Mr. Bond & Odd Job

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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
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Because his name is Carlos? What's your last name, Carlos? Herrera. That's, that's, not Jules, that was Andresing Herrera.
Herrera. Herrera.
It's Herrera. Yeah, I know it is because I've known you for years.
No, it's Herrera. Carlos Herrera.
I understand that, right? Carlos. Carlos.
Let's say there's a guy named Toshi Mofofuki. Let's say there's a guy named Toshi Mofofuki.
And if Toshi Mofofuki gets adopted by, you know what I mean, white people. He's still Toshi Mofofuki.
I know, but he's still white, though. But if he was raised in a white house in, like, Kalamazoo, Michigan.
He's still Toshi Mofofuki. He's still going to be Japanese.
That's true. Yeah.
You can't take that away. You can't take that away.
Can you roll your R's? Let me hear it. Say Carlos.
Carlos. Carlos.
Carlos. I can't do it with my tongue, but I can do it with my throat.
Carlos. Carlos.
Carlos. Carlos.
Herrera. Herrera.
Do it. So I do it with throat.
Say Carlos. Carlos.
Herrera. Herrera.
That's pretty good. How do you do it say Carlos Carlos Herrera Herrera that's pretty good how do you do the tongue Carlos canalingus what how do you do it though Carlos canalingus I can't do it I can't roll my tongue can you go I guess I have a fat down syndrome tongue you have a downy tongue I have a downy tongue you can't do all? I can't do it.
I've never been able to do it. She can do it.
Carlos. Carlos.
All right. That's perfect, dude.
You guys are bragging, man. Well, we got a new one.
Guess what I saw last night? Hello. Beamed.
Jan's beamed. It was really good.
It was? It was really good, man. I love it.
I love that. You know, I realized when I was watching, I go, I can never be James Bond.
Danny Craig. Yeah.
Now, do you think he's the best James Bond? Yeah. You think over Connery? Yeah.
Really? Yeah. Wow.
What do you say, fans? The best one. You think Daniel Craig is better? Yeah, because I never looked at Connery.
Maybe I was a kid. I never said, I would suck that guy's dick.
You wouldn't suck? I would suck his dick now. No, I mean, why is everything gay? Why does it always go to there? That's a you thing.
I know. I got to stop doing that.
I know. So I never looked at Sean Connery and went, I would hug him.
You're sexually attracted to Daniel Craig. I'm not sexually attracted to him, but he's just one of those commanding guys that would be like, you know.
Do you know who these guys are? I know the latest James Bond. He's hot.
He's hot. Oh, so you like him.
You think Daniel Craig is hot? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
See, he is. He's handsome.
Okay. The best one looking one was Roger Moore.
Right. He's hot.
He's hot. Oh, so you like him.
You think Daniel Craig is hot? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
See, he is. He's handsome.
Okay, the best looking one was Roger Moore. Right.
He's traditionally the most sexy. Yeah, Roger Moore was- I don't know.
Look at that. He's a mega babe, this guy.
Yeah, I know, but his face is old. Go to Roger Moore.
Go to Roger Moore. Roger Moore.
Remember Adultery 2, right? Yeah, but Roger Moore, he had more of like a James Bond he's not handsome at all to you that's a bad photo switch the photo go to the fourth one in yeah that's a great photo he's not handsome he's not handsome what about Roger Daltrey the fourth one? There was one. There was another one that did one movie.
No, that's the guy from The Who. It is Roger Daltrey.
That's the guy from The Who. Yes, how about this guy? Is he good as James Bond? Is that the guy from The Who? No, no.
Timothy. No, Timothy Dalton.
No, but how about this? Is this guy good as James Bond? Can you imagine if they were like, Roger, we're thinking about offering you James Bond. Yeah, yeah.
He like no shit Never You're so fucking ugly Yeah Look at how long that chin is Why the long face Raj He must have got it tucked Look at the first picture It's almost like he pulled his It's almost like his face He could combo the role right It's like I'm James Bond right Teenage wasteland That would actually be cool That would be cool When he's beating someone up Teenage wasteland Oh yeah Yeah he could sing While he's shooting That'd be cool dude Yeah that's sick Yeah yeah Alright show Show Yeah Timothy Dalton Timothy Dalton Dalton? Is it Dalton? Timothy Dalton is his name? Yeah that's it Alright what do you think About this one? Is this guy a handsome Bond? Yeah. Oh, you like this guy? You like this guy.
Interesting. That was a good one.
Do you like his butt chin? Yeah, it's cute. There was only four then, right? There was Sean Connery, this guy.
Dalton did two movies, right? Or one. I think one or two.
One. Roger Moore did a bunch.
Right. Right.
And then Daniel's done three or something. Daniel's done five? Maybe five, yeah.
Yeah bunch oh Pierce Brosnan don't forget Pierce Brosnan bring up the Pierce do you know Pierce Brosnan has a he's got a what is it called? Prince William what's it called when you pierce your penis? feels good it It's called a feels good? Yeah. He's got one.

Do you think he's? He's hot. He's so hot.
Come on. You know what I love about him too? That he's just a icon.
No, but his wife is like, you know, a heavier woman and he doesn't care. What does that even mean? We've done this before on this show.
I'm sorry. Is that bad? Actually type in Pierce Brosnan wife Heavier woman Doesn't even care I feel so gross saying it That picture is Not Fun for either of them Yeah This is like Yeah This is like I mean he's 90 now I know but nobody Wants to have pictures of them How about this No more pictures on the beach Yeah You know what they just I just saw a photo of Leonardo DiCaprio on the beach Oh I love that one the beach photo there's a new one there's a new one it's even sadder oh i like the older one just do on beach it's like the saddest thing no that's the no that's the old one i think oh the new one is the far right maybe this one yeah what yeah that's fine no it is but why he doesn't want that on the internet keep the cap off you're in the water.
No, it's not. You like the cap? I think he's cool.
Cap is cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I mean, it's all. He's got like a Von Dutch hat, too.
You know what I mean? He's, that's a. Right? Yeah.
And he's got a little tan line on the bottom. Well.
He's got a bikini thing. He's burnt.
First of all, he's burnt. He's burnt as fuck, yeah.
You didn't think a guy like that could burn? Yeah. Like, go back to the previous page.
Pierce's- Oh, that one. No, how about that one right there? That's the old one, right? Where he's hanging out with- What's his name? Yeah.
Who is that, by the way? That's the guy from Speed Racer. Emile Hirsch.
Emile Hirsch, yeah. Emile Hirsch.
He's gone, right? He died. No, he's not.
He's alive. Oh, he is? Yeah, Emile Hirsch.
I never know anymore who dies. Yeah.
Anyway, you don't want those pictures on. Go back real quick the page with pierce brosnan and i gotta tell you even still bad for even saying it i know but it's already out there yeah yeah i mean i'm i shouldn't say it but we're all thinking it when you look at that photo what look at the size of her teeth oh look at the size of her teeth I mean she has huge teeth yeah she has big teeth I mean those gotta be so heavy those teeth gotta weigh you down there's no way she has never herniated discs like me but her stomach is as big as her teeth you see what I did was I replaced tits with teeth so what you would do is replace stomach with another S, a body part that was S that would make sense.
Okay, rewind it.

All right.

I mean, look at the size

of her teeth.

Her toes are as big as her teeth.

No.

Her toes are as big as her teeth.

I'm replacing her stomach.

S with an S.

Oh, with an S.

Toes with teeth.

Tits with toes.

All right, go ahead.

I mean, look at the size

of her teeth.

Right.

Look at the size of her teeth. Right.
Look at the size of her sack.

Her sack.

Look at the size of her sack?

We call a stomach a sack?

Yeah.

You got a big sack.

Give me another one chance.

Look at the size of this girl.

Look at her sockets.

Her eye sockets.

Oh, her sockets big.

Yeah, her eye sockets are big. I mean, that just just looks there's no way that's comfortable that looks painful and i mean that i mean her teeth her teeth look painful yeah so wait a minute without telling us and every don't spoiler yeah is the movie worth going to see yeah it is it's still good real good and the reason why it's good is i don't know what's going on.
You're totally confused? I don't know what's going on. I don't know who's who.
I don't know what the factions and the organizations. I don't know who M is.
I don't know who Mullpenny is. No, Moneypenny.
Moneypenny. Mullpenny.
Mullpenny. I don't know who Mullpenny is.
I don't know who Q is. You don't know.
Q? No, you forget about this stuff. So you're just kind of going.
George is Q. You know that, right? He's Q.
When it comes to here. Wait, wait, wait.
When it comes to this podcast, you think you're fucking 007? 100%. I hate the fact that you fucking designated yourself as.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What am I then? What's a little guy in GoldenEye with the short little midget, the best character you could play because he was so low to the ground? That's so fucking fucked up.
What was his name? Yeah. No, I'm the fucking Japanese dude with the fucking hat.
No, you're not. Why? What's the guy from fucking GoldenEye 007, the Nintendo 64 game, that was low to the ground? Carlos knows.
Carlos. Oddjob job you're odd job you're hot job look i don't like how excited you are that's fucking yeah that's who i am you're 100 odd job yeah i'm my job and he was so good to get in the game because he was so low to the ground you couldn't kill him i am odd job i am odd that is 100 you and that's me yeah yeah and that's Pete that's you me and Pete yeah and she's Q she's Q 100% yeah she's like the weapons person yes yeah yeah well who is fancy I don't know but I don't want to can I not be Oddjob you have to be this couldn't line up any better he doesn't have a prevalent part in the movie yes he does he's in one movie yeah you get.
You get, what, 20 movies? I'm in one movie. It's kind of similar to real life.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello, Hollywood.
All right, so. You're our job.
There's no way to get out of this. I'm sorry.
Why, because he's a fat Asian guy, me too? Bing, bing, bing. What else do you want? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right. Did you go with him? Did you see? No, no.
I saw with Gene.

Oh, you did?

My buddy Gene, yeah.

Do you have no interest in going to see stuff like that?

No, but I want to watch Venom.

Oh, that's because you have a crush on TH.

Yeah, you do.

The first one was weird.

I still...

Did you see it?

I liked it.

Yeah, I thought it was a little weird.

I like Tom Hardy a lot.

He's great.

A lot.

Yeah, he's great.

So I think this one will be better maybe.

I think they probably worked out some kinks.

Yeah.

They're doing a Matrix 9 too.

Do you see the-

What?

The new Matrix.

No.

Yeah.

They're doing a new Matrix?

They already did.

It's coming on December.

Who is it?

Keanu.

It is?

Yeah, yeah.

And is Laurence Fishburne in it?

No.

Really?

No.

Who is it?

But his porn star

daughter's in it

what?

kidding

oh

no

wait is it

yeah who's in it

the same girl

the lady in it

what's the lady's name?

Carrie Ann Moss

Carrie Ann Moss

Carrie Ann Moss

Carrie Ann Moss

yeah her

Carrie Ann Moss is in it

who else is in it?

well from the trailer

I saw Carrie Ann Moss Keanu that's it that's all I could recognize. Did the trailer look good? It looked pretty good.
But they're back in the Matrix. Keanu's older now.
He's like, you know what I mean? I got a job. Well, did you watch Bill and Ted, the new one? Was it good? I watched it on an airplane.
Bad. And at the beginning, I was like, this is going to suck.

Yeah.

And then at some point, I was like, this is exactly what it's supposed to be.

It's supposed to be fun and fake and over the top and kitschy.

Right.

I liked it.

I actually thought it was fun.

I watched it on a plane.

But it was a plane movie, so I don't know.

It's not going to win an award.

What are you doing?

By the way, do you know Madonna was offered that role in The Matrix?

And she turned it down.

With the Carrie-Anne Massa part? She said no chance. She thought the movie was going to bomb.
She was like, no one's going to watch it. Well, Diana was fourth.
On the list. On the list.
I think they went after Johnny Depp first. Tom Cruise.
Tom Cruise, a bunch of people, and they're like, nah, idiots. I can't believe that.
But you know what's cool is like Sean Connery, right? He turned down Gandalf. Unreal.
And then, so this is what he, so I swear to God this has happened this is what happened so he gets called he's a gandalf fuck that you know i mean give me an oscar fuck that right then fucking lord of the rings becomes a hit so he calls his agent goes i need you know i mean i need something you know like some sort of superhero type of sci-fi right so he that's when he did league of of Extraordinary Men. No, I'm being real.
He thought that it just doesn't matter what. You just got to do one.
You just got to do one, right? And then that fucking ate it. Bad.
Yeah, yeah. So he just, is he dead? He's dead? Yes.
Yeah, he's dead, yeah. We should play that game, Who's Dead? Remember that? We were so bad at that.
You and I were like 40% on who was dead. now really yeah i've been reading are you doing more reading when it was because when you're when you turn 50 you look up who's dead because you're next yeah i think i'm next what do you think it would say at the do you think you would get to well you wouldn't do you wouldn't get the academy awards memorandum would you get it at the emmys that you think have you ever been on a show that's been nominated? I don't like your tone.

I haven't either.

I'm not,

I'm not,

I'm just saying,

I wouldn't make it.

I know,

but I just don't like your tone.

Would you make it on the Emmys

in memory?

No.

You wouldn't.

I wouldn't even,

even if Comedy Central had one,

I wouldn't make that one.

You know,

sometimes they put up like a gaffer

on the,

and you're like,

who did that guy know?

Like,

also it's like,

when I,

because Norm McDonald's

is still up there.

Yeah.

Rest in peace. Yeah.
How long do you think yours would be up there? At the comedy store? Yeah. Probably like split between the early show and the late show.
They'd have to take a time. No, really how long? Honestly, a day, a two days.
I don't think so. You'd be a weaker.
A week? Yeah. You'd get a month? I think I would get a week.
We'd both get a week. Who gets longer a week who gets longer than a week then i don't know i think led bigger people i don't know like but i've been but see norm wasn't norm wasn't like always like he performed there what 10 times he wasn't a store guy i've been there i've performed in that whole life i'm not even kidding probably 6 000 times well between that and Diego.
Yeah, thousands of times. I think, what if they give you a week and a day because of your special? I want six months.
That's insane. I want six months.
Well, they don't even put up the names anymore, do they? Do they put up names? I feel like now the store doesn't even display names who's there. I haven't seen them.
No, they haven't done that in a long time, no. usually now best of or can i just say another thing that i saw what did you see midnight mass oh the movie midnight mass it's a tv show on netflix oh duncan trussell's thing no what is that not his thing no that's not his thing man i do you guys know what midnight mass is yeah yeah yeah duncan's not it thank you Carlos what's Duncan's thing called that is called I don't even know who you know Duncan Trussell look up Duncan Trussell Netflix show real fast just so I know I'm not crazy what is his called Midnight Gospel sorry it was so fucking far off Midnightnight Mass? All you guys can suck my dick.
It sounds like the same thing. I wasn't taking you over anything.
I just never fucking heard of it. Yeah, but the way you came at me when I said, it sounded like it wasn't even close.
How did you attack us when I didn't do it anymore? No, yeah, you did. Yeah, you did.
You made it sound like it was so far off. All right, so what was Midnight Mass? Was it good was it good jules have you seen this um i'm planning to watch it yeah plan on it plan on it so she does nothing she doesn't i don't know what you do i don't know who you are to the show yeah people just love you yeah yeah they're wrong they're obsessed all right So what is this? So anyway, hi.

I could have first? Hello. Let's start our energy over.
I think that's what it is. I'm having so much fun.
I think Carlo's coming in. You know what I mean? It's fun.
Tell me about Midnight Mass. I will in my own time.
All right. All right? I don't like being thrown or pushed into something, okay? Okay.
So I just want to talk about my relation to you right now, right? And I want to say, dude, that you're one of my best friends. You're one of my best friends.
I'm being real. Me too.
And I want to say this also. How's your family? Good? How's your family? Good? It's good.
Great. And everything's fine in the house Yeah Good the dog's healthy

Oh I forgot about the dog

He died

It's a girl

Okay

Yeah she's fine

Congratulations

Yeah I was gonna say

She's yeah

So um

You have a good week

Just let me do

Do what I

It's my podcast too

I had an okay week

It's my podcast too

I was trying to lead you back to midnight mass

And I will do it in my own way Yes ma'am Okay I did have a good week Good and

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and and and and and and week good and i got sick and my back oh that's right i got messed up what'd you get i had an infection midnight mass is um that's all i wanted to do it in my own time okay okay it's one of those shows where you turn what you when you turn it on you it's you go i don know what this is. And I don't think I like it.
But it's shot so well. And it's still compelling that you just go through it.
You watch the first one. You're like, because it seems like.
Are the actors good? Amazing. From cinematography to direction, everything is amazing.
But it's one of those feelings of like, is this like lost in the sense that like nothing really means anything you know i mean it's just like these mythological scares something flying in the sky they never explain it this and that right but by the third episode what happens i don't want to give it away but when you're watching you then you once you figure out what it is you go i love it yeah you know you really get in yeah so in the beginning You're like, I don't out what it is, you go, I love it.

Yeah.

You know?

You really get in.

Yeah.

So in the beginning, you're like, I don't know what this is.

There's some weird, surreal moments in it and these quirky characters and this and that.

But then after third or fourth episode, when it all goes, you kind of, oh, this is this kind of movie.

Oh, it's a movie?

A TV show.

Oh, TV. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How many episodes did you see? And I'm going to give it away now. Are you going to reveal it? this is this kind of movie oh it's a movie a TV show oh TV

yeah yeah yeah

how many episodes

did you see

and I'm gonna give it away now

are you gonna reveal it

I want it so bad

you can't

because it's so new

I know

do you know any of the actors in it

like do you recognize anybody

yeah E.T.'s in it

Elliot I mean

no Elliot from E.T.

oh he is

yeah

what's his name

Henry

Mike Flanagan

no that's the director

and writer

oh Mike Flanagan

yeah

He was a man. No, Elliot from E.T.
Oh, he is? Yeah. What's his name? Henry.
Mike Flanagan?

No, that's the director and writer.

Oh, Mike Flanagan.

Yeah.

He does Haunted Hill House.

Yeah.

Everyone's great in it, especially the main priest.

He was amazing.

But the show is really good.

It's just a slow burn, but I think by the third or four episode, you get it.

And you're like,

this is amazing.

What's that kid's name that was in E.T.?

Henry?

What the?

Is his name Henry?

I don't remember.

What's his name?

They don't know.

Elliot.

Elliot was the name.

From E.T.

Henry Thomas.

Henry.

Did I say that right?

I said Henry, right?

You did, you did.

Yeah.

Henry.

Have you seen the tape

of him crying to Spielberg?

No.

You've never seen that on YouTube

I don't want to see that little boy crying Yeah do it it's the best Oh his audition Oh I bet it's great Spielberg is like I don't want to give it away but you'll see It's powerful Did you ever see E.T. kiddo No There it is it's the first one.
Oh, my God. Is this powerful? I love Audrey.
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Yeah, there you go. All right.
No, no. Don't play yet.
So I just want to- I'll set it up for Jules. Let's just set it up.
Oh, yeah. She's never seen the movie.
It's not just the auditioning process. Yeah.
So there's probably nine kids maybe. It's not a cattle call, but they probably have about five.
I think at this point they probably got three. Two or three.
Let's say four. Okay.
All right. I don't want you to win.
I know. Yeah.
So let's just say three or four. Probably down to two or three.
Two or three. Okay.
Let's go back to two. Probably two.
Right. And who knows? He could have been first.
He could be last. He could be in the middle.
True. But he probably waited there, right? And, you know, it's like at this point, Spielberg had already done Close Encounters, Jaws, huge director, huge opportunity.
So there's a lot of pressure, I think. Tons.
But I think as an adult, you take the pressure on in a different way than kids because they don't know what's at stake kind of no we right when we were let's say you're an unknown actor and you're about to audition for spielberg and you're poor right and then you're like this could change my trajectory so all those things come into play when we go in and read yeah he doesn't have to pay rent he doesn't he doesn't think about those you know but i'm sure he still feels a little nervousness but now he goes in for steven spielberg and he reads yeah and this is what he does. I haven't seen it.
take him away he's mine but it's not my choice the president asked me to come here and get him i don't care what the president says he's my best friend and you can't take him away well it's it's real possible elliot that he'll come back and you can have him again but we just want to talk to him and see where it came from and try to find out about other planets and he he probably is the key to a lot of things that we have to know but how do i know you're gonna bring him back well i'm afraid some i can't guarantee it i think he's afraid of you that may be true but the government tells me what to do and i just follow their orders well he's lying and he lives with me and he likes me and he wants to stay here. He likes it here.
Well we wouldn't hurt him or anything. All we want to do is talk to him.
But I don't want you to take him away. You know I've had to talk to your mom about it and she knows that the government has the right to do it.
And who told you all this? Well, we learned about it. We know that he's somewhere around here.
I mean, I do have a search warrant. I could look around the house.
Tell me to keep your eye. Right.
Tell me to keep your eye. That's Spielberg talking.
Well, I'll tell you what. If you let me talk to him for five minutes,

I'll tell my boss that you can keep it.

Would that be okay with you?

If I could just talk to him for five minutes?

Would you feel better then?

Would you be happy if you could keep me

if all I had to do was talk to him for five minutes?

That might make your whole day, huh?

Might make your whole life, huh?

Then he'd be your friend forever and i

wouldn't take him away okay okay kid you got the job can you believe that okay kid you got the job and then probably that's one of the most but imagine now okay kid you got two kids waiting to read.

Right?

And they're sitting there,

you know,

they're with their mom,

right?

Going through,

you know they're with their mom right going through I don't want you to take him I don't want you to take him away he's my friend why don't you shed a tear mom I'm gonna do when I'm in there okay take him away take him away right Spielberg comes out you guys can go home what right and then then they just get... Do you think they read or...
No. Yeah.
Okay, kid, you got the job. If Spielberg said that so confidently, it was like, that was it.
It was over. There was a guy that like, so Mork and Mindy.
Yeah. When they auditioned for Mork.
Nanu, Nanu. Right.
So a guy, an actor wrote a book about About this About He was right after Robin Williams Oh to audition Audition for Mork Right So he's at the You know what I mean Network or whatever And he's in the lobby And you know Robin Williams Is in there for an hour You know what I mean And like The walls are shaking He's killing so bad Uh huh And I never read the, but I can only imagine him going. Wait, wait, this is funny.
The guy has the script and the walls are moving as he's reading the script. He's just shaking against him.
Yeah. You know what I would say? I go, anybody have a pen? Yeah, here you go.
And I would go to the sign and shit and just cross my name out. Just go home.
And just go home. That's the kind of thing.
You couldn't compete. There's no way.
It was his role anyway. He was born to do that role.
That was him. First of all, offer.
Why audition? Offer. Yeah, but also because I think they just wanted to see him play.
Oh, I have a story about Mork and Mindy. I cannot share the actor who told me the story.
It's private, but I'll tell the story. But she worked on the show, show as many people did and was an actor on the show and she said you know robin was you know he was partied out all the time yeah yeah i love it and he showed up to set one day and she was new and he comes up and he's like well you're gonna be with us you're gonna be working with us and he's in character but they're not rolling this is and then she's like oh yeah i'm gonna be working with you and he goes ah yeah welcome to whatever the land was i can't remember the name where he was from what was it called he was from uh i knew i knew it was all i know oh fuck what was it whatever he's like uh where i come from uh we did a little bit of this and he honked her tits i swear to god yeah and he grabbed her hand he goes and some of this and then smacked his penis like smacked himself on the penis with her hand.
And then he goes, good day. And then ran away.
She told me the story. I was like, are you fucking serious? She was like, it was weird.
It was wild and weird back then. He was also laced up on coke.
I saw a Richard Pryor. He was in a movie.
And they did behind the scenes. And he's like literally just smoking crap.
I mean, back then how they just let you do it yeah it was chaos yeah yeah it was fucking chaos back then smoking crack all right i mean imagine that now it's like you're a minute late are you kidding me fucking a sag rep will yell at you yeah if you you you like look nowadays when I change in the trailer

yeah

they

you know

sometimes you go to wardrobe changes

you change in front of people

yeah

now I haven't

no it's not like that anymore

yeah

they don't even want to see you

in your underwear

because they're like

what if you get offended

that I see you changing

all this stuff

it's fucking nuts

yeah even

I was still in Hollywood

when you could do weird stuff

like

I would show up in Michael Rosenbaum's

dressing room

because we would do that movie

Kicking All School

Thank you. yeah even i was still in hollywood when you could do weird stuff like i would show up in michael rosenbaum's dressing room because we would did a movie that movie it's kicking all school and we would just i'd just be naked in there right right well you couldn't you could do it to a guy friend you still you can't do that now though to a guy friend i had just met him that day well that's weird yeah we didn't have a rapport i just kind of was there naked right okay that you both laugh right but my point is is you can't do that now no yeah no not now no did i tell you about that one time where i get i what happened to me and splitting up together where i um i think i told i must have told you where i had a six o'clock in the morning call time i have to tell you this no i had six in the morning call time and i had this day where it's like just a conversation scene between me and jenna fisher right so she had a six five five thirty in the morning because she's a girl yeah they do makeup so it's like 10 30 you're late no i'm asleep i'm asleep at home when i was living on my Beachwood condo, right? And I hear someone in my fucking living room, right? I go, what the fuck? I think I grabbed the katana.
I have a katana, a sword. I bring the sword out.
I run in there. I go, what? And there's this guy from the show.
They've been shooting. They're doing all the Jenna's coverage.
Who where are you it's 10 30 and i go they sent some i go what what i'm freaked the fuck out oh my god i was freaking the fuck out right and he goes just go now i i was in like whatever i was sleeping in right so i have one slipper on and i go and so they did all her coverage and there's the worst was did she stay for your cover for when it flipped on good but the worst part was is i'm doing my coverage now it's like one yeah right she's at home no she's still there because you had other scenes like i mean but she's in a dressing room right I'm doing my coverage, and I could see behind a tree, like something like this, right? Hold on, let me show you. Always use the space.
I could see the showrunner, right? Mm-hmm. Just staring you down.
The whole day just. So angry.
Yeah, yeah. Or like if we'd moved, if we moved shots, right? She would just come behind from a desk and come up like this.
Like she was all over the fucking place. You fucked up.
And then this is what she does. Her name is Emily Katnick.

Does she like you now?

She's the best.

But she goes, I remember at the end of the day,

I'm just sitting there and I'm hunched over.

And she walks up from behind me.

Right?

She puts her hand on my shoulder.

Assault.

No.

And she looks at me and I look at her and she gave me a look she didn't say anything but it was like i answered her even though she said oh yeah yeah it won't happen again it was that look like by the way that's i'm gonna let this go that's power but yeah it was like a jedi thing but and i go i'll never do that again she. She squeezed my shoulder and she walked away.
The next day everything was fine. Right? But it's like, if this was the 70s, I could show up for a week, not show up.
Yeah, didn't matter. Yeah, and come back with coke on my face.
You know what I mean? And they're like, where were you? What do you give a shit? Yeah, I was in Cancun. We're doing a show? Let's go.
Let's roll. You know what I mean? Let mean let's go but like stars could like get away with shit back in the day it was wild yeah but now it's like everything's just because number one there's so many there's so many jobs now yeah right that not one job is gonna make or break you right yeah that's true no because there's a thousand things you know you've seen like i you know i'll turn on like you know youtube watch trailers you'll see what's

what what'd you do i had something in my eye don't do that man keep talking i don't like what you

just did man i just did this there was something in my eye oh that was a fucking it's some sort of

like way of like going move move on no don't do do that, man. That was nothing.
You do shit like that where you shrug your shoulders when I'm talking and it's like, it's like, come on, sucks. Are you projecting? Do you think what you're about to say sucks? Yeah.
Okay. I didn't know where I was going.
I didn't know where you were going either. I'm just waiting.
I didn't either, right? But don't do that because I'm trying to create something here man Okay next time you know you're projecting I don't even what does projecting mean It's something you actually think and feel you're saying as if I'm saying it Yeah but don't do that Am I projecting that? Yes so next time you think you're telling a story And it sucks why don't you go like this to me You should bail Just go like this when you're I'm watching trailers on YouTube, and then I'll move to something else. Okay.
So when I'm doing... So I'm talking...
Oh, so I'll give you an example. Let's just play it out, right? So, Matt, can I tell you this other story? Yeah.
You know, one time my mom, she used to like to go to the Korean grocery store in Koreatown, right? And she'd wander around and, you know, she didn't know. So, okay, this week on Bad Friends.
Is that? Yeah, we'll shift. That's very good.
We'll shift to something else. So then you give me the hand signal where you want to move on.
Something simple like that when I want to move on. No, no, no.
No? It gets so obvious people can read it. Oh, I didn't know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, give me something that like- A simple hand signal.
What if you just kind of do this, you know how detectives from the olden days- What about this? That's the fucking white supremacist. This is? Yeah.
This is A-OK. No, it's not A-OK, dude.
This is white supremacist. How is this white supremacist? Dude, you know what happened to that guy in San Diego, right? Prove to me that this is white supremacist how is this white supremacist dude you know what happened to that guy in san diego right prove to me that this is white supremacist i'll give you i'll give you so i can't say okay anymore no really yeah i can never go somebody goes hey how's the food and i go no one does that yeah i do it all the time do this no that okay that's white supremacist what's why is this this is white supremacist yeah because they be like, hey, should we burn the cross? And they're like, mm-hmm.
Yeah, but that's just saying okay, right? This is not giving you the go-ahead to burn the cross. Okay, this was the go-ahead.
Yeah. And this was.
Let's give you an example. Okay, how about this? Why don't you go walk up to 50 Cent, right? And just do this in front of him, see what happens.
Well, what's the context? I'm not just going to do it out of nowhere. You're okay.
If he's like, hey, how's the party? And I'm like, he'll get it. I don't think he would.
What do you think he's going to think I said? I think when you do this, a gun will go through here like this. I think that's what's going to happen.
All right? Why would 50 cent? Why would I have 50 cent? Just give me a fucking symbol. Nothing like this.
No circle. All right? I'll give you – can I just say that? Okay, I'll go like this.
Let me just say this. Okay, real quick.
Let me talk for a second, okay? This guy that worked at San Diego Gas and Electric, right, a year ago, okay? Mexican guy, right? Union job, right? He's driving home to go to – he has a you know one of those SDNG whatever San Diego I don't know what it's called and he's at a stop sign right and when he's driving he likes to stick his hand out the window and because he he works with his hands and he has like arthritis or something so he likes to like of stretch out his fingers. This actually happened.
Okay. Right? And he's at a stop sign.
At the same time, there's a BLM protest. So out the window, he's doing this.
And then he does this. They take a photo of this.
Right? A Mexican guy. This Mexican guy.
Doing this symbol. But he's stretching his finger.
Proof that it's not white supremacy thank you he gets he lost his job they fired him yes he lost his job because they think a mexican is a white supremacist look it up he doesn't even fit the first word of the criteria i know no he's a mexican guy He lost his job. There's got to be something else.

There is nothing else.

He lost his job.

Well, let me tell you something.

Yeah.

If that is true, then it's good to have another one of our Mexican brothers on our team, man.

Yeah.

So give me a symbol.

That's insane.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SDG and E-worker fight over alleged racist gesture.

It says he was cracking his knuckles.

It just seems like something's missing here.

No. A Mexican guy? Yes, he's Mexican.
Let's see the video that's it that's him now go in it was a photo not a video so zoom in in the photo oh that does look like he's doing the white supremacy symbol this dude this is insane his job because of he still doesn't have a job okay what's his name oh it says right there cafferty is a mexican-american says he comes from a diverse family of all races he's proud of it he's proud of sdg and e for taking any allegations of racism seriously but he wants his job back i'm sure he got his job back he never did he still doesn't have his job okay go up to find his name and let's find him and see if we can contact him we'll give him a job here on bad friends and he can do this all he wants that's his job his job is just to come in to scream every once in a while and do that yeah by the way yeah everybody who knows this show that knows obviously we're making a joke about it but you've got to be a fucking moron to think a mexican dude is doing this meaning white supremacy i know you have to be a fucking but we live in that kind of society people are fucking dumb because it got it became it was trending by the way we are going to find out he is a white supremacist like no he's not no he's because i've seen him in interviews he has met his his family's all like you know i mean san diego mexicans i just think this feels insane to me. I just don't get it.
I know, but I'm just saying, so don't do this. You're doing it now.
I know. I'm just telling you not to do it.
I think it's upside down. It is upside down.
Oh, it is? Yeah, this is. This is okay.
Yeah, it is. He should have done this then.
Well, yeah, then it's fine. Yeah, he shouldn't have done that.
Uh-uh. You're doing it again.
You've done it three times now. Oh, yeah, yeah.
All right, you're right. We're going to make a meme of it.
So give me a symbol a symbol that's not obvious that when you want to move you want me to jump in to shift the conversation. Alright, here.
It'll be very subtle. Okay, good.
Look, I had just a little to move on face. Okay, but we also need symbols.
Oh, a symbol for her? Mm-hmm. Oh, my God.
What's your symbol? She doesn't talk. She doesn't need the symbol.
Can I do this? Yeah. Yeah, you can do that.
That makes sense. Yeah.
She does come in with some good ones. Hello, Tushy.
I'll tell you this right now, my friend. If my dad was still alive and he saw my butthole.
He's not. I know, but if he was.
Did you Tushy your dad's butthole before he died? No, no, no. But if you saw my butthole right now, you go, holy moly, why is so clean? And I would say, because it's Tushy, the hell of Tushy.
I'm being real. It's amazing.
It's a modern day company that washes away even the messiest of shits, leaving you with a better cleaner butthole than toilet paper alone. My dad's never said holy moly.
Holy moly. He's never.
It's funny to say that when you look at someone's butthole. So anyway, we have a Hello Tushy in our bathroom here at that friend.
At the office, yeah. And I love coming here and just spraying it into my ding dong dong, bong bong.
Your bong bong. Bong bong.
And it cleans it out. It's so good.
There's nothing like water. You save money on toilet paper.

Big time.

It's good for the environment.

Yeah.

I just like that little spritz of water in my tushy

because I got to tell you,

your hole gets so much abuse over these years.

Take care of it and give it a little dab dab,

just like with a napkin on the corner of your mouth

after you eat a good meal.

The tushy bidet features this, okay?

Washes your bum with water

for a better clean than toilet paper.

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ShipStation. Oh my God.
We wouldn't have a business, I don't think, without. Not without ShipStation.
I mean, we have merchandise. It goes out and we do use ShipStation to use it.
Yeah. Look, the holidays are coming up.
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Just go to shipstation.com,

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ShipStation,

make ship happen.

But we have to also have a symbol

in terms of like

Thank you. Just go to shipstation.com, click on the microphone at the top, and enter bad friends.
Shipstation, make ship happen. But we have to also have a symbol in terms of like, you know, if I think your story's meandering.
Is it the same symbol? We'll just do that for all of us. Just knock on it out.
Yeah. We'll just do that for all.
A little tap tap on the desk. Yeah, a little tap tap.
A little tap tap. Yeah.
Let's practice one. Go ahead.
I'll start. Go ahead.
So last night at the Great British Baking Show, I was watching that because, you know, every week on Fridays, a new episode comes on, right? And last night was bread week. Oh.
So anyway, loved your show last night. Oh, what's that? move on move on move on okay I love it what was I even okay so what was I even talking about when you did the fucking eye thing these guys will know you were saying you were watching trailers on YouTube about what though About how not one actor has so much power these days because there's

too many jobs. Can I finish my

point, though? Please. Before you do the I thing.

Please. Okay.
I'm just saying

that there's no one...

There's...

God.

You know, some days I love you.

I really do. Some days

I go. I'll wake up and go, man,

I'm so blessed to have...

Thank you. God You know some days I love you I really do Some days I go

I'll wake up and go

Man

I'm so blessed to have

So many good friends

Like Ed or Wright

But some days

I just literally go

I think I hate him

Yeah

I think today's one of those days

Good

Yeah

How do you feel about me right now?

I'm in love with you more than I've ever been

Oh why?

Because I'm

Because you're sweet

That annoyed me even more i know wait tell me though you were watching no actor can you were saying it i just know i'm just saying though you can't act like that anymore well look some of those we're expendable some of those things are good yeah i love it honking this woman's boobs is not fucking cool i mean it's a funny a funny story for someone to tell, but you're like, that's fucking nuts.

South Korea's next president.

Oh, by the way, this is a big win for South Korea.

I want to tell you congratulations.

This is Haeyo Kyung-young, the levitating mystic who claims he's got an IQ.

Go up.

He's got an IQ up.

He's scrolling on the wrong way.

He's got an IQ of 430 and is offering voters $85, vote for him do you vote for this guy yeah he can fucking levitate well if you can do something that no other human can do i think that's an asset and 85 grand yeah look at that look at how and there's people there's skeptics on the internet saying he can't levitate that's him levitating above a mountain i'm seeing it right now obviously so tell me how that happened and then i'll tell you yeah exactly um also he's able to and look at look listen he's able to physically remove and replace his hair at any given time right not only that can i just say it's just based on the photo he loves to punch angels because look at that fist right he loves to punch angels Do it. Do him in heaven.
Do him up there levitating punching angel. Wait.
I got to do Indian style. Hold on.
I got to get in there, right? Tokadan! What's tokadan? Tekadat. Tekadat.
Because you have to tell the angel. You have to tell the angel, take that.
And then they're like, they take one yeah right you know scroll down on this guy this guy's fucking great I don't know why they don't want to vote for him people are saying that he he said he's showing off his flexibility with a kick alongside Donald Trump and he tells all the observers to look into his eyes to help him levitate.

I don't know man. This guy seems dope as shit.
I think it's...

This is the kind of people we should be voting

for. We've been getting

lied to by politicians for far too long.

And it's also like if you can

do something mystical.

Like this.

Don't you think that's an asset?

By far. So they say

Jesus walked on water. They say

Gandhi could not eat for whatever the fuck, a thousand years or whatever. A thousand years, man.
This guy. Yeah.
He floats. He can fucking levitate, dude.
The Dalai Lama. Yeah.
What's his thing? The Dalai Lama? What's his thing? His thing is he can make crickets disappear. Out of thin air.
Out of thin air, dude. And locusts.
That's a thing? I think so. Yeah, that's a thing.
Right? Would you vote? Hey, hey, hey. Would you vote for him? If he can levitate.
See? Yeah. Wait, that's the thing, though.
He would... But what's tough about this, He'd have to Prove it one time How does David Blaine Not run for anything then He could just be like You should vote for me Because I can do this And then Disappear into a tank Because you have This is a true thing Right You have If you look at David Blaine's videos On YouTube And whatever There's always Reveal.
Of how he did it? Yeah. So like when you see any magician, that's why when like there's certain- That sucks.
I know, but there's certain machines like Shin Lim. Yeah, I know Shin Lim.
I know Shin Lim, right? Yeah. So Shin Lim, there's some, they don't do some reveals on his because they don't know yet.
Right. They can't, right.
Penn and Teller couldn't figure out his tricks. Yeah, yeah, that's how good Shin Lim is.
But if you watch David Blaine or any other magician that you see on a talent show, there's always reveal videos. Some of them I don't think you could find a reveal for.
Yeah. There's this guy named, his name is some, Oak Darby, Darcy, Darcy Oak.
Dar oak cute handsome darcy oak is a handsome canadian magician they all kind of look like chris angel yeah yeah ish this dude did something on bgt obviously put the shirtless one up pete yeah yeah yeah there we go like the one that's him we obviously want to hot right Is he hot? Could he be James Bond? He looks like he would hit women. Oh.
I see. What gives it away? The stars going down to his penis on his pelvis? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. This guy's probably a great guy.
No, he seems very nice. He's probably nice.
Why do you think he's going to hit women? It's just his face. It's just his face.
But he does a thing on stage where he can make doves appear. This guy? Yeah.
Right. Have you seen it? Oh yeah, he does it as an audition on PGT.
He makes doves appear then he can make like two doves appear with two like cages with two doves in it and stuff like that. Seriously? Yeah, yeah.
That's pretty interesting. And then he puts the doves, all the doves in a cage, and he lifts the cage, and there's a woman underneath it that rises.
Really? Yeah. Let's go see this guy.
Anywho, right? You can watch it on YouTube. My point is, all those stuff, I know how he did it.
Yeah, but you can't do it. I'm not going to spend 15 hours a day for 20 years of my life practicing that.
That's my point. That's the only point.
I know. My point is that I think it's awesome that he can fucking do it.

Yeah.

Right?

But my point is that it's not magic.

Yeah, it is magic.

It's magic that he was able to spend that much time to figure out how to do it and actually

work.

That's magic.

I know.

Let's go back to him.

That's real magic.

That's real.

Let's go back to him.

The guy's got my fucking vote.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right.

What's the next piece you had, Pete?

Can I just say something real quick?

Oh.

Why is everything Korean right now?

It's Korean.

Don't you know it's South Korean month?

All of October.

It is.

I've never heard of South Korean month.

It is.

Type it in.

I've been in Korean for 50 years.

What month is South Korean celebration month in the United States?

Watch.

It's fucking October. You don't know that.
It's it's my birthday month what does it say what did you google where is it there pete just typing the word october after no no there you go i have i have the internet there it is no i'm gonna go south korean month ah bingo. The day, look at the day the sky opened.
Look at, what does that say? Zoom it in for him. No, I'm going to look.
Look, Bobby. I have my whole internet.
Look, Gachi Chun-Jol. A public holiday in South and North Korea on October 3rd, known as the English name National Foundation Day.
The holiday celebrates the legendary formation of the first Korean state of Gojusun in 233, 2333 BC. Told you.
Told you. I put South Korean month and it says

Sunday, October 10th.

Told you.

2021.

That's now.

You not know what year it is?

So today is it.

Told you.

Go back to the article.

I think when I put South Korean month right now,

the internet's just going,

this is what the day is in South Korea.

Let's figure it out.

Go back to the thing.

Go back to the...

Am I losing my fucking mind?

Yeah.

Yeah, all right.

South Korean president,

the current president suggests a ban on eating dog meat.

What do you say?

Yeah, 100%.

Why?

Shut up, man.

Shut up, man.

It's insane.

Yeah.

Moon Jae-in, a dog lover says, time has come for traditional practice to end.

Yeah.

Why is it so funny?

It's insane.

It's fucking insane.

Look at how cute these dogs are.

Yeah. It's insane to think someone might break into your house, fucking insane.
Look at how cute these dogs are. Yeah.

It's insane to think someone might break into your house, not to steal something, but to grab a dog.

Yeah.

That's insane. No, but these dogs are bred for it, right?

They don't look like...

They're bred to be eaten?

Yeah, but they're not...

I've seen some of the videos.

No, that's in China.

They steal from people's houses.

It's insane.

I know in China, but in Korea, they're bred.

Oh, they have... Like the pigs.
So it's like they're in a kennel. You know what I mean? Right.
So they're made people's houses. It's insane.
I know in China, but in Korea, they're bred. Oh, they're like the pigs.

So it's like they're in a kennel.

You know what I mean?

Right.

So they're made to be eaten.

But they just don't have friends that are human.

Well,

they do right before they eat them.

The human goes,

hi puppy.

And the puppy's cute and licking them.

And then they're like,

no,

that's not how they do it.

It's like,

it's like mass production,

I think.

Right.

You mean like a breeder? Like a breeder. And it's like like these dogs have terrible lives.
Yeah, because you're going to eat them. Yeah, but it's also their daily life is they just feed and put in a cannel.
What does dog taste like? Apparently, it's the best meat. Don't give me apparently.
I'm telling you right now. Don't give me me apparently Just tell me what it tastes like

It's real good

I don't know

I would never eat it

What's the weirdest animal you've ever eaten?

Don't say dog

Monitor lizard

Monitor lizard?

Do you know what that is?

I know what a monitor lizard is

I don't know if you can eat it

Are you making that up?

No

She ate one In Philippines you eat monitor lizard? Yeah How do you eat it? How does this prepare? Doesn't it look so delicious? It looks so moist and delicious. Well, you know what they say? You know what they say like foods, like specifically like fruits and fruits are colored differently.
Yeah. And aesthetically they throw away fruit that doesn't look good.
Yeah. Do you know what I mean? In up yeah imagine looking at this there's no way and being like i gotta try it i can't you have to be starving not only that not only that you can't hang it you know how you go to chinatown and you see like dangling carcass ducks in the window ducks in the window right yeah You can't hang that anywhere.
That has to just be on the menu, the last thing, right?

And just put ML.

They're like, we have clam chowder soup.

We've got a couple of specials today.

We've got a card on blue and a monitor lizard.

So what can I get your drink?

And you're like, what was the last one?

Monitor lizard?

Yeah, yeah.

What part of it do you eat?

I don't know.

Do you eat like the legs? I think so. My uncle just gave it to me.
Oh, so you just ate it? Yeah, yeah. What part of it do you eat? I don't know.
Do you eat like the legs?

I think so.

My uncle just gave it to me.

Oh, so you just ate it?

Yeah.

And he just says...

What is it?

Is there a sauce?

There's no sauce.

Do you at least get like a Chick-fil-A sauce or something?

It was just fried.

Oh, it's fried.

Well, I bet it's good.

But can you get it like cage style or black?

I mean, there's got to be a way where it's going to be the best way. I just want to see a diner.
It was good. It was spicy.
It was. Yeah, because they have to put the spices in.
That was the Cajun style. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Cajun style. Yeah, wow.
I liked it. You fry.
Maybe if I would do it with, there was like, you know, breading. Yeah, if it was deep fried.
Deep fried, breading, deep fried. Mm-hmm.
Pounded, right? Yeah, you thin it out like a lizard pie yard monitor lizard pie yard because there's a restaurant in China and it's a months of reservations right and they all they serve is different types of animal testicles and penis just it's called just genitals no it's like yeah it's just penises and balls yeah no female uh no that's kind of sexist i know but you have a couple vaginas but you it's like a crowded people love it people fucking love it and it's just penis just penises yeah have you eaten animal penises no like a bull penis that's popular i know people eat bull penises. Like I was wondering, like let's suppose,

and a lot of people like at work,

like their boss at work

will be like,

I got reservations

and then everyone at work

would have to go.

Ugh.

Right?

And imagine being there

and you're like,

Just eating dick.

What would you order?

What,

like what animal's cock

would I have?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know what I would do.

I mean,

if I'm hungry,

probably a horse dick. No, no, no.
It's fucking huge. No no because I don't want to eat it so I would say field mouse right but then but I imagine if I order field mouse right and it comes like like cereal right there's a fuckload of it's a bowl of field mouse and it comes with milk.
And you see him pouring it. That's so funny.
That's so funny. A bowl of field mice cocks.
Yeah. And you finish.
You're thinking getting one over, right? You're not. But you finish a bowl.
You finish the bowl. And they're like, oh, you're ready for your second serving? Field mouse sticks.
It's like four. Right.
They're like, we know that's not enough for you to eat. So obviously we had to pack it in.
I would have to like whisper. Like I'd be so shy to do it.
So when the waitress or waiter comes up, do you know what you want? Right. I would have to whisper it because I would be so embarrassed.
I'd say, donkey dick. Excuse me.
I did not hear you. It's a donkey dick.
Come again. Come again, right? And he's, oh, donkey dick.
And she yells at the fucking cook. One donkey dick.
One donkey dick for this guy right here. Raise your hand.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What animal dick would you eat? A duck's dick.
Ooh, duck dick. A duck dick.
That's very clever. That's's clever duck dick probably tastes very good yeah because we eat so many parts of the duck chicken dick would be good ah chickens are dirty yeah you're right yeah chickens are dirty yeah pig dick pig dick probably fatty as shit what would get a picture of a pig dick up there what would eric griffin get elephant cock yeah yeah does it do elephants have huge like 15 guys come in they come in with it other shoulders yeah wait a minute google which animal has the biggest penis i want to know yeah andrew santino the blue whale yeah of course let me see you the picture let me see a blue 10 feet penis a 10 foot cock shit wow wow there it is where that's it the second picture do blue whales penis right there pete no right there just google blue whale penis let's see it oh my god that's it right there in the water the one in the water no hold on zoom into that guy's face look at this guy holding his penis yeah he's it's like a disneyland vacation family photo he's so turned on right now and the kids are like dad this is not cool yeah i'm gonna hold the penis yeah get it get in charlene get me holding the penis how That's a fucking penis right there.
But let's see it live in the... Go to the right.
The one right there in action. No, the one on top.
Above. Right.
Right, right, right, right. That one.
Oh, my God. That's live.
Look at it jumping out of the water. They've got it mid-action.
They've got mid-flight dick. He's just going on his...
Suck it! You know what I mean? He doesn't give a fuck, that guy fuck that guy suck it go to the one where he's jumping out of the water yeah yeah that's a dare from his buddies yeah yeah he's like i got a boner they're like do it jump in front of the boat he's like i'm not gonna do it they're like do it he's just a teenager yeah fucking Larry he's fucking crazy crazy Larry dude look at how small that looks Because of how big they are but that's 10 feet

Yeah that's a big dick

That's huge

What's that one somebody touching it

Yeah he's grabbing it

Let me see that one

The largest penis in the world

Wait I don't

Zoom in

Wow

Is that even erect

That's gotta be soft

That's soft

Thank you. Zoom in.
Wow. Is that even erect? That's got to be soft.
That's soft. Because that's like four feet, five feet.
What if that guy works for the restaurant? Not ready yet. Still too tender.
Still too tender. Look at that dick, man.
Beautiful. Imagine being the guy they newly hired,

and they're like,

look, we need help.

Help wanted bad.

And he's like,

I'll do anything.

They're like,

you've got to go see if the dicks are ready down below.

That's his job.

You've got to go fumble through the dicks. That's the guy.

Go find the dick.

The dick catcher.

Well, he went to chef school, whatever.

He gets a good job there,

but his first job,

when you first get hired there,

is that.

You're the dick prep guy. Fine.
Fine. Get downstairs and go...
Yeah, yeah. So the monitor lizard is the weirdest you've ever eaten.
Yeah? Have you eaten anything that you're not supposed to tell us? No. Did you eat something bad? No.
Did you eat something illegal? No. Have you ever? Never.
How about like a hawk? Have you you eaten an endangered species no do you know what that is have you seen their have you seen their bats no filipino bats have you seen their fucking bats bro no look up filipino giant gold that fucking thing look at That's literally... That's a guy.
That is a guy.

Brew, that's Their bats That's a full size adult man Yeah yeah What Dude Look at the storefront run Go back to the storefront That looks like a guy In a Halloween costume It's not Dude That's a fucking Bat Oh my god Wait a minute Do you What happens that comes around that can fucking kill you yeah at this point do you they have names hey Mike you're living in fucking Narnia yeah dude that is insane do they attack people I've never heard of them attacking people. Do you see them sometimes flying?

I've never seen them.

You've never seen one.

This has got to be in a certain part of the Philippines then?

Look at this, the one that they caught and they've strung it up.

The one that's hung up.

That's insane, dude.

Look at that.

That's like a 15-foot wingspan.

I know.

That's insane, that thing.

I wonder what those taste like.

Have you eaten those?

No.

What is it called?

Go to the name.

Go to the regular Google search.

I want to find out the name of these things. Just hit all.
Those things are insane, dude. Here's what you need to know about.
The giant golden crown flying fox. Also known as the golden caped fruit bat.
It's not eating fruit. That's eating human beings.
Yeah. It's a mega bat in the Philippines.

Yeah, that thing's insane, man.

Dude, this has got to be five feet long.

It's five feet.

It's a fucking.

It's my height.

It's taller than you.

Doc.

It's five foot six.

If you put fucking wings on Doc.

No, dude, it's five six.

It's five six?

It's five six.

Holy shit.

That's bigger than you.

He's taller than I am.

That's what you would look like hung upside down next to the bat.

You would be the same. It would be almost the same size wow that's insane i would move would you move that was the competition no way no i just like if those are flying around they'd kill you sleep well at night google if those things have ever killed a human being or attacked a human being they've got to been able to kill or hurt somebody.
And large bats are being killed by the thousands. Oh, we're killing them all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're probably like sweet.
Yeah, they're probably nice. Yeah.
They eat fruits, bro. That doesn't look like fruit.
Yeah, they eat fruits, bro. They look like they eat cows in the middle of the night.
Yeah. Those are insane.
Anyway, you haven't eaten those? No. No.
Is there any other creatures over there that are like that? Like that? I don't think so. But if you look at that photo, what is the difference between them? Just listen to me.
You might have to get this out. Really think about it, though.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I I'm listening you see that thing upside down yeah what's the only difference between that uh huh and that I don't know except for the wings right let me say something alright you can clip wings can you not can you not? Can you not clip them?

You can clip them.

Right.

Yeah.

Like I saw an X-Men movie where Archangel,

when he was a boy,

he was clipping his own wings in the bathroom of his house.

Yeah.

I mean, I've never really looked at her back.

I'm not a bat.

I didn't accuse you of a bat, that you were a bat.

Please isolate that sound.

Yeah.

I'm not a bat. I'm not a bat.

He's not saying you are a bat, but how can you prove that you're not?

Yeah.

I don't have any wings.

Anymore.

Yeah.

I don't look like a bat.

You sound a little guilty.

Yeah.

It feels like, go back to the picture of the one thing hanging upside down and zoom in

it on its face.

Yeah.

Zoom in, zoom in, zoom in it on its face yeah zoom in zoom in

i don't know jules rudy the ears are different well you can always shave well pull your let me see pull your head one headphone aside let's see your ears are big turn turn that way and pull your pull your hair aside so the camera can see

it's not

oh my god

holy shit

I don't know And pull your hair aside so the camera can see. It's not.

Oh my God.

Holy shit.

I don't know.

Throw a fucking apple in front of her.

She bites it in midair.

I don't know.

Rudy, I'd like to see some proof next episode.

God, those things are so scary.

Let's get a book report on why Rudy isn't a bat for the next episode. Well, let's play this clip real fast.
Let me see this clip. I had a reason.
Shut the fuck up! Stop talking to me, bitch! No, not you. I'm talking to the dumbass fat bitch over there.
Eating too many pork chops. Fat ass bitch.
Shut up, you fat bitch! Stop eating so many pork chops! Back up off the tank! Go on a diet, you fat ass bitch. That's why you ain't got no man.
You're too fucking fat. Nobody want to fuck you.
You're too fat, bitch. You eat too many pork chops, too much rice and beans.
You dumb ass, stupid ass bitch. I love New York.
It's the greatest city in the world. You stupid ass bitch.
That's why I got no man. You eat too many pork chops.
You stupid ass bitch. I love that so much.
I love it so much. You don't like that, Bob? Why? Because he's fat.
Yeah. And he also can't walk.
Play it again. Why? Pork chops, baby.
Don't try to reason. Shut the fuck up.
Stop talking to me, bitch. No, not you.
I'm talking to the dumbass fat bitch over there. Eating too many pork chops.
Fat ass bitch. Push pause for a second.
There's just so much ammo that I could get back at that guy.

That's why this is hilarious.

But why didn't she fight back?

Because it's fun, man.

I don't know.

Maybe I don't know.

It's so good to me.

Press play.

I love it.

Shut up, you fat bitch.

Stop eating so many pork chops.

Back up off the tank.

Go on a diet, you fat ass bitch.

That's why you ain't got no man. You're too fucking fat.
Nobody want to fuck you. You're too fat, bitch.
You eat too many pork chops back up off the tank go on a diet you fat ass bitch that's why you got no man you're too fucking fat nobody want to fuck you you're too fat bitch you eat too many pork chops too much rice and beans you're dumb ass stupid ass bitch dude this is how accustomed new york people are to fucked up shit no one's even laughing you wouldn't be laughing if that guy's doing... Look at this guy on his phone.
Look at Fancy B on his phone. No, I...
Uh-uh. You wouldn't laugh that that guy was calling that girl fat ass bitch you eat too many pork chops.
No. That's not funny to you.
It wouldn't be... It would be interesting, but I would just...
I'd be dying. Dying laughing.
Yeah. Here's me recording.
Yeah, that's it. Dying.
Yeah. White guy.
Shut the fuck up. Thank you for being a...
Go ahead and the fuck up thank you for being a go ahead and say it thank you for being a bad friend you fucked it up by fucking yelling it takes me out of the fucking talking about it why do you do that how was it no it's calm down now go back to the thing i did the beat ready how was it my sides how was midnight mass there's no comedy what i'm saying i just want to recommend things to people that's all yeah and so what we're doing is a podcast so what they would do is they would cut it right after we yelled yeah a funny moment of me going so how was it do you understand how this works oh dude i don't like your tone right now dude what is wrong with you dude what the fuck is wrong with you look at your face do you know how this works you fucking condescending fuck dude you're not the fuck you're not bond man i'm not heads up it's our job and i'm not Hacksaw Is that his name? Our job Our job

I call myself Hacksaw

I've seen you once again

What?

Now listen

You're so low to the earth our job

This show

It's almost as if you can suck your own little tiny penis

Did you show this?

No

Did you see this?

No Yeah. Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.