Bonus Episode: Drop Out of College feat Lil Esther

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 1 it's a bonus episode. This is our first bonus episode.
First bonus episode. Yo, Andrew.
Yep. Do you play games on your phone? I do.

Speaker 1 I only play games on my phone. And what's your favorite game on the phone? Oh, Candy, right?

Speaker 1 You know what? That's all they need.

Speaker 1 That's all you need is Candy Crush on your phone. I don't know why you go to...
The app should be just the app store should just be the Candy Crush app store.

Speaker 1 You open games, it just goes to Candy Crush? Yeah. That makes sense.
Hey, everybody, how about a shout out for this bonus Friday episode sponsored by Candy Crush? We don't do bonus

Speaker 1 episodes, and it's only in special engagements like this we do it. This is special.

Speaker 1 Candy Crush is making it so much. We all know and absolutely love Candy Crush.
The Candy Crush All-Stars Tournament is live now and still in the qualifying rounds. It's early.

Speaker 1 Andrew, all you have to do is classify as the top player in your leaderboard to move forward and compete against everyone in America. Everybody.
And Bobby and I are athletes. We're champions.

Speaker 1 We're both very good. Bobby's better than me, but that's fine.
We've been playing. And if you think you can beat us, I dare you to try.

Speaker 1 You can hit the link in the description to join in on the action everyone can play and anyone can win divine

Speaker 1 you two are bad friends who are these two idiots

Speaker 1 you two are disgusting

Speaker 1 let me just ask my fucking questions Can I just ask my fucking questions?

Speaker 1 Everyone calm down. All right.
Let me just ask my questions. Stop looking at me like that.
Are we rolling? Wait, brother. Let me just ask my questions.
So,

Speaker 1 how did this come about? Do you want to talk into the microphone? We're not starting this.

Speaker 1 This is not a podcast five. Yes, we are.

Speaker 1 How did this come up? What's your

Speaker 1 do you want to introduce the team, first of all? I mean, they look like the Von Trapp family. This is.

Speaker 1 This is the sound of me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Doe, a deer, a female deer. Ray, a bunch of

Speaker 1 son.

Speaker 1 Me, a name, I call myself Esther

Speaker 1 a long long way to run

Speaker 1 showing off showing off

Speaker 1 ladies and gentlemen Esther Pavitsky is in the house give it up for Esther Pavitsky

Speaker 1 family

Speaker 1 No, let me acknowledge fucking Esther don't roll me Esther, thank you so much for coming to the show Thank you so much for having me I was told to just show up and be quiet correct but bring the mic to your face That's what we do we always yell at her about mic to the face okay so you're auditioning to take over Rudy's spot Esther of course is one-third of the.

Speaker 1 I guess you're not really one-third. You're like,

Speaker 1 because you're not a full-size.

Speaker 1 You're a fun size. So you're like one third.
Bro, bro, bro. I swear to God, she's not a dwarf or anything like that.
Yeah, she is. Oh, you are? No, legally, no.
No, legally, no.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but rumor was. But from afar, if you were hanging out with Brad Williams from afar, they'd be look at their two.

Speaker 1 Would that happen, do you think? Esther is one-third of the Great Trash Tuesday podcast with Kalai La Koon and

Speaker 1 Annie Letterman. You say dwarf? Thank you for coming.
I really appreciate it. Little person.
Is that how you say it?

Speaker 1 She's not. She's as tall as you, by the way.

Speaker 1 And I'm not defending my size. I'm a little guy.
You're a little tiny guy. And I have a fucked up body.
And speaking of fucked up bodies,

Speaker 1 we have the Candy Crush team here.

Speaker 1 So the Candy Crush crew is here.

Speaker 1 They're pure. They're pure people.

Speaker 1 And that's my little sis. Do you know that's my sister for real? Is that really your sister? Yes.
Why? What do you mean, why?

Speaker 1 But first of all, all, your sister.

Speaker 1 There's like one more attractive red. No, I know, but can you take your mask down so I can look at your face? That's my sister.
That is your sister. It is.

Speaker 1 You work for Candy Crush? No, I'm the intern. She's interning.
She's interning? Yeah. Is she staying with you? Yes.
Where do you think? No, I'm staying at a hotel. Yeah, she's staying at my house.

Speaker 1 Congratulations. Thank you.
And that's what your sister looks like. She's very attractive.
That's enough. I didn't.
I wasn't. That one wasn't hitting on her.
That sounded like it.

Speaker 2 You just called the intern attractive.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Problematic. Is that problematic? Yes, I like it.
Esther is R-H-R.

Speaker 1 Would your sister's name?

Speaker 1 Yes. What does she look like? Livia.
Huh? Livia? Livia's not that bad. Lydia.
Oh, Lydia? Livia or Lydia? Well, you tell me. You're guessing, not me.
Alice. Okay, Alice? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Lydia, and what's the last name? I want it to be Montgomery. And Montgomery.
I've never met a woman named Nicole. Tell them your name.
Montgomery.

Speaker 1 It's Montgomery.

Speaker 1 Montgomery Santino. That's the name? Well, we have different last names, but yeah.
Yeah, all we have different. Oh, because.
Because. Let me guess.
Well, I'd hope you know after all these years. I do.

Speaker 1 I absolutely do. Yeah.
You had the same, but she's like prince or whatever. They want to change their name to like a symbol.
So she changed it to something else. Like a symbol of something.

Speaker 1 That's right. So what's the symbol? This?

Speaker 1 Show them your symbol.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's a symbol. That's it.
So her name is Montgomery. No.

Speaker 1 Her name is Lakina, but she goes by Locke. Lakina.
By Locke. But she goes by LOC.
Let's go back to the Candy Crush. Yeah, sure.

Speaker 1 No, I want to ask some questions before we even begin. Okay.

Speaker 1 So you're the president. You created Candy Crush.
He's one of the developers of the cross. You developed it.
How many developers were there?

Speaker 1 Like around 15.

Speaker 1 Oh, so it's not. 15.
That's big. That's big.
That's great. Yeah.
You're one of 15, and do you get a piece of the pie? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You get a piece of the candy crush pie. So you have some...
Because Candy Crush is killing it. A lot of money.
So you got, you're a rich guy now. You're doing well.
Yeah. Right? He's killing.

Speaker 1 You don't ever have to work again. Can you tell?

Speaker 1 No, yeah, I know, I know. No, because I can, because the shirt is Apollo, and it doesn't look like a vintage.
It looks brand new. So that's some money.

Speaker 1 I mean, those slides are something I would wear, so, you know, that's dope.

Speaker 1 The shorts, I don't know. The legs are fucking millions.
Those are brand new. Those legs are fucking millions.
Those are new legs, Lieutenant Dan. The next evolution of white legs.

Speaker 1 And what do you think the cherry shirt? What do you think she does?

Speaker 1 She is PR. Tell them what you do.
You're right. Yeah, you are right.
You're right. Are you PR? She does public relations.
You do public relations. She does.
I don't even know what that does.

Speaker 1 I know you don't. I think you have.
But why don't you guess?

Speaker 1 They deal with like social media, also

Speaker 1 creating, like, contacting like newspapers and ad agencies and this and that to promote their. Let's go to Esther to figure it out.

Speaker 2 Well, it's interesting that your first go-to for marketing is newspapers.

Speaker 1 I said social media first.

Speaker 1 No, you did say newspapers.

Speaker 2 But yeah, marketing, social media, yeah.

Speaker 1 Why is newspapers such a bad guess?

Speaker 2 I think that would be a bad place to advertise candy crush. There's feelings.

Speaker 1 You summon through a lot of newspapers? If I'm at the LA Weekly and the last thing was like a bunch of candies being crushed together. Last time you read an LA Weekly

Speaker 1 15 years ago, maybe. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The fuck are you talking about? Okay, well, they would. But did they contact like

Speaker 1 fuck

Speaker 1 They love the like Ellen. Yes, they'll contact Ellen She could contact Ellen you can contact have you contacted Ellen

Speaker 1 yeah yeah, but you have in your life

Speaker 1 There we go bingo there you go. Let's can we go around? Yeah, please stand up please No, that don't don't boss her around physically.
That's

Speaker 1 she's right there.

Speaker 1 I can't fucking see her seven feet away from us. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Take your mask down, please. No, no.

Speaker 1 All right, so you can't tell people what the physical is.

Speaker 1 So, thank you for standing. And I got a whole thing.

Speaker 1 You work also a part of the group? You're a part of the group? I want you to take a guess as well.

Speaker 1 What do you think she does?

Speaker 1 Is there offices there?

Speaker 1 What? Is there a physical office? They work from a van.

Speaker 1 I bought a candy crush van. Yeah, yeah.
Yes, there are offices, but all these people work in different locations. Even more interesting.
Oh, wow. Yeah.
You're Europe. Esther, what do you think?

Speaker 1 Is your Europe? What do you do for the company?

Speaker 2 I can't imagine other positions there besides marketing.

Speaker 2 Is there like office supply organization?

Speaker 1 No, no, no. That's rude.
That's so funny. No, I wasn't even looking at it.
You do pencils, you do pens. You do paper, you do staples.
No, I think you do. You're like an associate producer where you...

Speaker 1 Ooh, an AP. Like an AP where you deal with money.
Oh, wow.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? The flip.

Speaker 1 She's in the finance department. Am I right? So you're pretty close.
Okay. That's really good.
You're like, so far, you're like three for three. And then the last girl on the former also.

Speaker 1 Sorry, go ahead. Sorry.
Or

Speaker 1 they don't even work for Candy Crush. And

Speaker 1 this is your sister's friends. Ah.
And they're in town and they're just here. Ooh, it gets spicy.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so that could be also. Is that another option? That's an option.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you think? Well, what do you think this last?

Speaker 1 If she worked at France for Candy Crush, looking at her eyes.

Speaker 1 you're not going to believe it when I tell you. Okay, I'm going to say

Speaker 1 janitorial.

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 I'm just going to do it. Right on the money.

Speaker 1 I'm kidding. No, she is the poop cleaner.
No, no.

Speaker 1 You're social media.

Speaker 1 They're kind of. Yeah, yeah, you kind of dissocial media.
On the game, they have animated people.

Speaker 1 She's one of the main models that they animated them off of. Really? Yeah, she's the one.
Wow. She was the first one.
These two went to school together. Which ones? This gentleman, who the developer.

Speaker 1 I want to see everyone's name just from so I can memorize it.

Speaker 1 Go ahead. Let's see if you can try.

Speaker 1 Montgomery. We got that.
Montgomery symbol.

Speaker 1 You.

Speaker 1 Matthew. Vera.
Vera. Yeah.
Matthew Vera. Like Wang.
Yeah. Do word association.
Matthew. McConaughey.
McConaughey. Vera Wang.
Okay. Victoria.
Victoria Beckham. The Queen.
Beckham. The Queen for me.

Speaker 1 Beckham. Victoria Vectum.
Victoria Vectum.

Speaker 1 Perfect. What's Vectum? Victoria Vectum? Who's Beck Vectum? Who's Beck Vectum?

Speaker 1 Victoria Beckham.

Speaker 1 Is that David Beckham's wife? Spice Up Your Life. I love it.
Yeah. She was one of my favorite.

Speaker 1 In The Last Human? Yes. Sophie.
Sophie. Sophie's choice.
Sophie's choice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So at the end of the podcast, we're going to go back and see if you remember their name. I know it now.

Speaker 1 All right, so let's talk about the rules of what we talk about. So obviously, we all know how Candy Crush is played.

Speaker 1 You played Candy Candy Crush before?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. All right, can I tell you what's really going on? Yeah, tell me.
Because I know you want to know. I do.
So that girl right there is not my sister. Okay.

Speaker 1 None of these people work for Candy Crush whatsoever. Okay.
Yeah. These are Andreas's students.

Speaker 1 For what? The film school kit or the

Speaker 1 whatever it is. Are you serious?

Speaker 2 I believe that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was the point of it. What school do you guys go to? Quinnipiac.
Quinnipi. Quinnipi.
Quinnipac. Quinnipiac.
Where's Quinnipiac at? Quinnipac is where? Quinniac, Connecticut. Connecticut.

Speaker 1 What are you doing here? Living at Austin.

Speaker 1 They're just having a good time. You're having a good time.
You're some sort of intern?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're interns. We all are interns.

Speaker 1 For

Speaker 1 Andreas? No, we all have different internships or different companies.

Speaker 1 Andres is.

Speaker 1 He runs the program. He runs the program.
What? Andres is a teacher. How is he a teacher? He's not even an American.
He can't even speak English. That's insane.

Speaker 1 They hired a non-English-speaking guy to go. Did he even go to college? No.

Speaker 1 Why him? I don't know. Yeah, yeah, I think we think Spanish people are astute and

Speaker 1 the fancy accent. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do you like him? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You like Andreas? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Did he tell you, did you guys know that we call him Fancy B? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Some of you?

Speaker 1 Do you know why we call him Fancy B? Why? Do you guys not know?

Speaker 1 I guess you'll never know.

Speaker 1 So, fancy, what would the B stand for?

Speaker 1 Or Mexican. I'm going to give you a hint.
Maybe you should say it.

Speaker 1 No, because I already know what it is. This is a game.
So what do you think it might be?

Speaker 1 Beats me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Fancy beats me. Beats me.
Fancy beats me. What are you trying to say? What do you say? Fancy beats.
He likes it. Close your hand if you need help.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Esther, how have you been?

Speaker 2 Good. How about you?

Speaker 1 What's wrong with you?

Speaker 1 Are you high right now? She's uncomfortable. She's not high.
She doesn't know. This is weird for her.
She's not used to this. You know what her highness now, right?

Speaker 1 I know about you're smoking a lot of weed lately.

Speaker 2 I take edibles. I start, yeah, for the first time.

Speaker 1 What are you guys whispering about? What about you? What? How about you? About what? I'm dressed raw. I smell weird.

Speaker 1 No, I'm ugly. Do you want me to put them in the other room? No, no, I like them here.
Okay. Because we never had an audience before.

Speaker 1 What the fuck is your problem?

Speaker 1 Which one are you talking to? All of them. No, no, no.
Who specifically are you talking to over there?

Speaker 1 Fuck. I knew you wouldn't remember.
I will, I will, well.

Speaker 1 Victoria.

Speaker 1 That's the one in the corner. That's exactly.
Who I'm talking to. Oh, that's who you're talking to.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Esther,

Speaker 1 what's up with the weed intake?

Speaker 2 I've been sober for 33 years. And then this summer I had to take a really strong pain pill.

Speaker 1 And I was like, oh, I like how that felt.

Speaker 2 And so then.

Speaker 2 Literally how like addiction starts yeah and I was it was an opiate yeah which one it was uh hydrocoda oh my favorite one so good it's so good and I was like so you took hydrocoda and I was like oh I want more of that and then some of my friends were like we don't think you should like get into pills like I think what you're looking for is pot and then I tried smoking like a like a thing but it was making me cough so I'm like oh gummies so now weed gummies I'll do like five or ten milligrams at night and

Speaker 1 perfect cannot believe how amazing it is I can't believe I've gone so long without you came came to my party high.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You were high.
Yeah. You were a little high.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I could tell. Is that bad? Like, I don't know.

Speaker 1 What are the like? What was I doing to you when I would walk by by you?

Speaker 2 You came into my ear and you're like,

Speaker 1 that's what he does. Yeah.
Dicket dickety.

Speaker 1 Right. And she would laugh.
You said it in my ear what? What? What did you say in my ear when you walked by? Yours? Mm-hmm. I said, I can't say it.

Speaker 1 Say it.

Speaker 1 I said, I love you.

Speaker 1 Because I love him.

Speaker 2 Do you take edibles?

Speaker 1 You know, no. But his eyebrows do.

Speaker 1 Look at his fucking eyebrows. No, it's a, I take, I don't like edibles.
I like smoking weed. I like smoking a joint once in a while.

Speaker 2 I just can't believe how. Sorry, I know Bobby's sober.
Is this like inappropriate?

Speaker 1 I'm just Jonesing.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. Never mind.
I like watching Jeopardy too. That's also fun.

Speaker 1 While you're waiting. Why?

Speaker 1 Both. Yeah.
Do you guys smoke weed? Well, here's the deal. You're in the state of California.
It's legal here. You know that, right? There's nothing like mysterious and weird about it.

Speaker 1 You guys are 18, correct?

Speaker 1 They're all of age, they're all adults. So you can go to a store.
You can legally do it. In fact, when we were talking to you guys across the street from the improv, when I said hi to you guys.

Speaker 1 Oh, they are because I saw a photo. That's right.
Yeah, yeah. So they're, I don't know what they're doing here then.

Speaker 1 Andreas brought them.

Speaker 1 I know if I just. Do you don't like their presence? Yeah, I love them a lot.
We're really good. Yeah.
You are. Are you guys all from Connecticut? No.
No doubt. Where are you guys all from?

Speaker 1 Just say it real quick. Go, Montgomery.
New York City. Can't you tell? Yeah, I can tell.
She had that New York accent.

Speaker 1 New York City. She had that New York accent.

Speaker 1 Boston? I'm also New York. New York? Boston.
Boston.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Quinnett Piati. Have you ever heard of this school?

Speaker 2 Yeah, John Campanelli went there.

Speaker 1 Did he really? Yeah. What's it known for? It's liberal arts, right?

Speaker 2 What is it known for?

Speaker 1 Liberal arts.

Speaker 1 Are you guys sure you're going to school there?

Speaker 1 They have no fucking idea. I think I asked them that other night.
I said, what is it? And they're like, yeah, yeah, it's kind of like...

Speaker 1 So this this is what this is. It's a small private school.
This is where mom and dad were like, where do you want to go? And they're like, we're not smart enough to get into Harvard. Right.

Speaker 1 We're just from Yale. And look at that.
Yeah, that's their bragging, right? We're close to Yale, but they can't get into fucking Yale. They can't even go to the games.

Speaker 2 How much does it cost a year?

Speaker 1 $60,000. $60,000?

Speaker 1 You went to where? University of Illinois. You went to U of I, didn't you? Look at you.
You stayed in Illinois like a good girl. My parents made me.
Then I quit.

Speaker 2 Where'd you go?

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Yes, you. It's kind of funny.
I'm wearing this shirt. I didn't mean to wear this shirt, but I did.
Yeah, I went to Arizona State. I wanted to get the fuck out of Illinois.
I was not going to stay.

Speaker 1 Everybody I know went to Illinois, Iowa, Nebraska. Miami of Ohio.
Oh,

Speaker 1 yeah. Yeah.
And then some of my smart friends went to like

Speaker 1 Michigan. Yes, I did not get in there.
No chance. I don't want to talk about this.
You didn't get in anywhere, did you, bud? No, I don't want to talk about this.

Speaker 1 How many schools did you apply to when you were in high school?

Speaker 1 I applied to one. I didn't get in.
What was it called? DeVry.

Speaker 1 Didn't get in. Rejected.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 I couldn't get in.

Speaker 1 Did you really apply to anywhere?

Speaker 1 I went to Palomar.

Speaker 1 It's a community college, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's a good CC.

Speaker 1 What does Palomar CC rank? On community colleges? I think it ranked. Look at that.
Look at the symbol. It's nice.
Palomar College. That's it.
Shout out to Palomar College.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I went to four weeks of it.

Speaker 1 And then I ended up going there. They have these little piano rooms.

Speaker 1 So they have these little tiny rooms, right? Instead of going to class, right? I would just go. And they have little mini rooms where you can close the door.

Speaker 1 That's perfect for little Asian boys to sneak into little piano rooms. Like little magnets for you guys.
I know. You just place them around schools.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 How are we going to trap the Asians on this campus? Right, right, right. Put little piano rooms all over the school.
It's funny.

Speaker 1 Because one of the rooms has a piano, the other one has like num chucks against the wall. And so I would, you know what I mean? I would go in there and do two hours of just practicing of that, right?

Speaker 1 One just has a walk. Teach yourself how to walk.
Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And at Puenipiak,

Speaker 1 we talked, and you guys were doing all different things. Only one of you, you, are in the film business? Not really.
No? You are? Yes, she is. You are too, I thought.
I'm doing production, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, you're in film. That's film.
And then you are, she's in production. Yeah, you're in production.
And you are too. Yeah.
And what are you doing?

Speaker 1 So I'm a double major and then I'm minoring in film. Let's stop fucking brag to us, okay? Yeah, yeah.
We're blue-collar dropouts. We don't need you fucking boasting.
What are you going to do in film?

Speaker 1 Are you going to be... I want to be a screenwriter and actress.
Okay. Oh, awesome.
Get her out of here.

Speaker 1 Immediately.

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 1 all right, everyone.

Speaker 1 This episode of Bad Friends is sponsored by my favorite game. One of my favorite games of all time, which is Candy Crush.
And this is sponsored by Candy Crush All-Stars. The All-Stars.

Speaker 1 Bobby and I have been killing it.

Speaker 1 We've been playing. Off-camera, off-show, but now we got to do the show.
So we can't crush as much as we want to. And I think I might be doing better than Bobby, but to make it fair.

Speaker 1 No, you don't think so. I'm better than you when it comes to stuff like that.
Okay, fine. I don't want to argue about it.
But here's the deal. We got to do the episode.

Speaker 1 So we had to employ some of our employees

Speaker 1 to play for us.

Speaker 1 Fance, you want to play for me? Of course. Okay, Fancy B is going to play for me.
Yeah. And good old Puddin Pete is going to play for you.
How do you think about that? I like it. Is that okay?

Speaker 1 Got your deal.

Speaker 1 I'm going to make the arrangements.

Speaker 1 They're going to go head-to-head crushing each other, and whoever crushes the most levels is going to win at the end of the episode, and whoever loses has to make out with George. That's right.

Speaker 1 I like that. Yes, George.
Yes. Like, if Pete can't catch up to me, he's going to have to kiss George.
Open mouth or close mouth. I think tongue.
I want tongue. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 French, French, French, French. All right, so that's the deal.
That's what they got to do. If Pete can't catch up, that's what happens.
Check them out

Speaker 1 while we're doing the episode. You can watch them go head-to-head.
And you guys need to get in on this. It's free to play.
It's so much fun, Bob. Tell me about it.

Speaker 1 Okay, hit the link and try to beat us. And if you haven't joined yet, you're missing out.

Speaker 1 Now, guys, everyone that we know, I think, is playing Candy Crush All-Stars Tournament, even our friend Whitney Cummings. Whit's in.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Also, you know who else is in? Huh? Chloe Kay's in. Ooh,

Speaker 1 fancy. You know who else is in? Your good buddy.
The Gronk of Gronker.

Speaker 1 Get it on the action, you guys. It's your chance to win a year's supply of gold bars.
And if you haven't yet, hit that link and play in the Candy Crush All-Stars Tournament now

Speaker 1 sugar crush

Speaker 1 did you always want to be an actor i don't really know what i wanted i i think i just wanted to do you know what you want right now no i just want to be quiet

Speaker 1 it was good to get her for rudy i worked with her once on what on it we acted once on what this your

Speaker 2 show Oh yeah, on Alone Together. And we also worked together on Love.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I was on her show, too.
Yeah, you guys were both on it. Yeah, yeah.
You don't remember that? Was that that bad? No, of course.

Speaker 2 I remember, but I was thinking of love.

Speaker 1 You were crazy. What? You seem stressed out.
I was very stressed out.

Speaker 1 I always forget how tiny you are. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Look at your put your hands up. Look at how small your little hand is.

Speaker 1 Look at those things.

Speaker 1 It's like they're not even hands or paws. They're little tiny paws.

Speaker 1 You are so fucking small. Thank you.
Does Dave's penis look big in those hands? Oh, my God. Come on.

Speaker 1 Hey, of course it does.

Speaker 1 He's a little Jewy guy, right? He's not that little. He's not a little guy.
He's a little Jewy guy. That seems racist.
Do you say Jewy? Yeah, yeah. He's a brilliant little Jewy man.
He is Jewy.

Speaker 1 And he probably has a cute, pudgy, kind of matzo-yatso-y penis? Pee-pee, right? But in her little hands,

Speaker 1 they look gigantic. Massive.
Yeah, yeah. His penis is actually the exact same shape as a dreidel, genuinely.

Speaker 1 Have you seen Kalala's hands? Yeah. They're huge and long.
Baseball man. So my penis looks like, you know, like a Xanax.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, something like that. Yeah.
A pill or something.

Speaker 1 No question about that. Are you mad? Well, it's just Dave.
She doesn't want to talk about it.

Speaker 2 Dave's worst fear is that I'm talking about, like, that people are talking about his penis because every time he sees women together, his first thought is that they're talking about his penis.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry, we could edit it out. No, I think it's not that.

Speaker 1 He's got to grow, though. Yeah.
I think about his penis? Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's a paranoia that he needs to get over. Why? I agree.
Because it's like, I didn't say anything bad about his penis. Yeah, but this is not your issue.
It's his. That's true.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He thinks all women, but to be fair, and this is not being sexist, nine times out of ten, when I'm going to get coffee or lunch or whatever in public, if I'm crossing this morning, literally this morning, if I'm crossing the path of two women in a conversation, it's about a dude.

Speaker 1 It was. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, almost always. Always always.
Or something about a relationship thing or

Speaker 1 two girls together. two girls together what are you talking about

Speaker 1 usually relationship stuff

Speaker 1 stuff

Speaker 1 when you guys what do you talk about when it's just you and another girl a coffee go ahead hey s, what's been going on?

Speaker 2 I like makeup.

Speaker 1 Ooh.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Well, I'm also like in a nine-year relationship, so I'm not, there's nothing to talk about.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but they talk to you about their shit.

Speaker 1 Unless you're with another married girl or whatever, and then you're talking about

Speaker 1 the annoyances of the marriage.

Speaker 1 You know what Dave did yesterday that fucking pissed me off? What? That's what you would say. No.

Speaker 1 Do you never complain to girlfriends about Dave?

Speaker 2 Not really. Dave is a pretty good partner.
Like, I always say that if he killed me, I think it would be justified.

Speaker 1 When you guys look at Andrew and I, and be honest, and

Speaker 1 I'm Mr. You know what I mean? I like criticism.

Speaker 1 Because you guys are so young. Do you guys look at us as old men? Mm-hmm.
Not old.

Speaker 1 She nodded her fucking head.

Speaker 1 She went like that, ready? Which one? Ask me, and I'm going to be her. Yeah, in the middle.
I'm going to be.

Speaker 1 Get me and Andrew and I.

Speaker 1 Do you look at us like old men?

Speaker 1 That's literally what she thought.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she nodded her head. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Like, like, you guys look at us like

Speaker 1 older, but your parents. Like, you like.

Speaker 1 Like, your parents? Like, we've hung out at your parents' house.

Speaker 2 How old are your parents? 64.

Speaker 1 Whoa, really? That's older than I thought. Yeah, yeah.
How old is your parents? 50 and like.

Speaker 1 So I'm 50.

Speaker 2 You're not middle-aged.

Speaker 1 Can I guess your age? He's 50.

Speaker 1 He just turned 50. I just turned 50.

Speaker 1 No way. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so

Speaker 1 you guys look at me like I'm a parental figure. No, no.
See, ironically, they probably think I'm more of a parental figure than you, and I'm 12 years younger than you. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Who's more parental, me or Andrew?

Speaker 2 Don't be afraid to say me.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 To see this option. That your little friend that could save you from almost nothing.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Who's more? I'm for sure more parental. Who would you trust to take you on a road trip?

Speaker 1 Safely. Why?

Speaker 1 That's offensive.

Speaker 1 That hurts me.

Speaker 1 He yells at the GPS, but he's like following the GPS. Thank you.
And you think that I'm going, what's going on?

Speaker 1 What is that?

Speaker 1 I don't know how old are you.

Speaker 1 What? That sounds right, honestly. I feel like you'd be the one just to like jam out into the music.
No, no, no, I'll be the one that already don't.

Speaker 1 I don't need a GPS because I don't fucking know where we're going. Oh, you know how to to get there? No.
You know how to get to Santa Rosa? No, but I would pretend, though. I got this.
I got it.

Speaker 1 We're on a dirt road. There's no streetlights.
You end up in Mexico getting robbed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 What do you think?

Speaker 1 Like,

Speaker 1 probably you. Yeah, for sure.
There's no doubt. That's more parental and responsible.
Yeah, this is like not even a thing. It's not even.

Speaker 1 It hurts me, though, because it's like, I'm responsible. You play video games till four in the morning.
No, I don't. Sure, you do.
Three. No, three.
No, I mean,

Speaker 1 what does that have to do with it? What does that have to do with being a parental?

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're right. Now that I think about it.
Listen,

Speaker 1 just like Andrew, I own a home.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 I pay my mortgage. Yeah.
Yeah, it's basically the same thing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 What? Owning your house. Just shut the fuck up.
Hey, hey, hey, don't you do that to her. I'm sorry.
I love you, but shut the fuck up. Hey.
Hey. Okay.
I fucking pay my taxes. You don't? Yes, I do.

Speaker 1 No, you don't. Your business manager does.
It doesn't matter. I hired a businessman to fucking pay my taxes.
I know, but you don't physically do things.

Speaker 1 I physically call the guy and goes, can you do my taxes? Yeah, he says yes. You don't clean your house.
I know, I hire, I could clean it, but I hire somebody to clean it.

Speaker 1 I know, because you're a fancy guy. Yeah, but that has nothing to do with responsibility.
Kind of. No, I would disagree.
I wash and I bathe.

Speaker 1 Is that correct? You want credit for that? I want credit for that. I want credit for eating

Speaker 1 two meals a day. Okay.
I guess we're even closer to responsibility. But in terms of like on the general hour, like military.

Speaker 1 one to two I have my lunch seven to eight I eat my dinner yeah so that's responsible right you sleep until so you all think that I'm less responsible that you're responsible than him no they would just trust me to do the parental thing that's all

Speaker 1 a cooler dad

Speaker 1 yeah you'd be a cooler daddy so much more fun that's good yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 like he would discipline you that's right

Speaker 1 these are free-for-all yeah

Speaker 1 in fact you know what i would do if you guys are let's say you were my kids, all five of you, on Tukey for five, all five of you. This is what I do.
I would go, hey, guys, wink, right?

Speaker 1 Don't ever go into my wallet, wink, and take out thousands of dollars. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I'll just leave it out on the kitchen table while I go upstairs and go to take a nap, right?

Speaker 1 Also, I'll say, I never count my money. Wink, right?

Speaker 1 And that's cool, right? Number two, it's like you guys are smoking weed in the house. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 I go, hey, guys, stop doing that. It upsets me.
Wink. Wink.
Right?

Speaker 1 You guys can watch anything on the flat screen TV in the middle. No, not from not in my house.
None of you guys. No way.
Yeah. You let them steal all that money? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And also on this, it's like, no curfew at all. Come home whenever you want.
Yeah. And if I was your father, you would all get cars.
Wow. Yeah.
So

Speaker 1 not like we wouldn't go to like a used cars play, right? You're buying them all brand new cars. Whatever.
Teslas. Teslas?

Speaker 1 Fucking Teslas, dude. All you guys are getting Teslas, right? Why would you buy us?

Speaker 1 Well, first of all, you're all five sharing a car, and there's going to be a schedule on the refrigerator, and you're going to have to mark down when you need the car.

Speaker 1 And if the car isn't returned, you're banned from the car for the next ensuing few days. You know that.
You know that.

Speaker 1 Don't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right? See, that's who he is.
If I see $20 missing out of my money jar, you're all grounded. And then nobody gets the car.
And what is the car? What is the car?

Speaker 1 Your car? No. What is the car that they have to share?

Speaker 1 Like, what it looks probably looks like. Well, I'm going to get a fancy.
Daddy gets a fancy car because daddy worked hard. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 The kids are going to have to share a junk piece of shit. It looks like that mystery mobile from Scooby-Doo.
It's a van.

Speaker 1 It's a gutted-out van.

Speaker 1 You're driving a big van, a pass van. That's what it is.
That's what it is. You're driving the Scooby-Doo van.
The Scooby-Doo van.

Speaker 1 The mystery machine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're driving the mystery machine. And there is no mystery.
That thing's got to be back by 7 fucking p.m., pal. All of you have a curfew.
And you know what?

Speaker 1 Your curfew is staggered depending on your grades. That's right.
And you know, you get a little bit more pass because you're my favorite because of the red. the, did you ever curfew?

Speaker 1 No, I had no rules growing up.

Speaker 2 No religion, no rules.

Speaker 1 That's a lie. And then, no, it's not.

Speaker 2 And then I would, but that made me a good kid because there was no restriction, so then I didn't want to rebel against anything.

Speaker 1 Are you half Jewish? Yes. Mom? Dad.
So you're fake? Yeah. Right.
Yeah. You know that, right? Were you the funniest person in high school? I mean, when did comedy become a thing?

Speaker 2 I just always liked it.

Speaker 1 I don't know. But in high school, you were in plays and stuff?

Speaker 2 I was very silly. You know what? I took dance class

Speaker 2 every night after school, and I thought I wanted to be a dancer.

Speaker 2 And then I realized that the thing I liked about dance class that I was like embarrassing myself and being silly and making like the other girls laugh.

Speaker 1 Hmm. Hmm.
When did comedy kick in?

Speaker 1 I was still waiting. No, don't do that.
That's a bad joke, and you know you're very funny. When did it kick in?

Speaker 2 What does that mean, though, kick in?

Speaker 1 When did you go, fuck, I need to do this for this has to be my life?

Speaker 2 In college, when I decided to drop out, I was like, I'm going to pursue stand-up and any kind of comedy.

Speaker 1 It's so cool to drop out of college.

Speaker 2 Did you?

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Did you drop out? Oh, no, still in it. No, they're in it, but I'm kind of trying to.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It's cool. Not cool.
What'd you say, Fance? Not cool. No, it is very cool.
By the way, what is college? Fancy went to college. You know that, right? And you know what he's doing? He's working for us.

Speaker 1 He works for idiots, okay? I know. So who really wants? He works for us.
I went to Arizona State.

Speaker 1 I went to the dumbest college you can go to. Bro, I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know how to pronounce words. He's an idiot.
I'm a fucking idiot. And your teacher works for us.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So who won? I don't know anything.

Speaker 1 It's so dumb. I don't know how to tell the time with the hands.

Speaker 1 Well, they're facing the same way as bad. First

Speaker 1 start. Yeah, I know.
I don't know. I literally don't know how.

Speaker 2 I have never learned how to tell on a face clock?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I don't know how to do it. He does not know how to do it.
I don't know how to do it. And people have taught me, well, Bobby, it's easy.
I go, I don't want to know. Why Why do I have digital?

Speaker 1 Well, because he, yeah, he doesn't want to know. Can you write in cursive?

Speaker 1 No, no, no, okay.

Speaker 1 No, please don't tell. I don't know.
No, for fun. That one on the line.
Okay, here, though, because I don't want him to learn it. What time is that right there?

Speaker 1 2:30.

Speaker 1 What? Is that 2:30? You think that's 2:30? Yeah. So the little hand is.
I don't want to know about it. You don't want to hear it.
I'm just guessing based on what I see. Okay, 2:30 is right.

Speaker 1 Is it right? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you're right. But then I don't know, like, um, also when, what side the sun sets?

Speaker 1 The sun rises in the I don't want to know. Okay, don't ever tell me.
I guess that's not. I always go, oh, oh, or when it goes down, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Have you ever seen the sun and the moon up at the same time?

Speaker 1 That's never happened. It's impossible.
It's interesting. A sun and the moon aligned at the same time? That's impossible.
Both in the same way. They're on the opposite sides because

Speaker 1 obviously there's night and day. So the sun is up, the moon can't be up at the same time.
No, they both exist. It's not like one goes.

Speaker 1 Can you see both at the same day in the middle of the day? Can you see the sun and the moon? Yeah, if from these ends. Okay, if they're like this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

Speaker 1 So then you can see sun and moon. Yeah.
Otherwise, you can't have the sun in the sky and the moon in the sky as well. They got to be like this.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 If you're at the comedy store standing outside, do you know which way is north, south, east, west?

Speaker 1 Yeah, because I drive. Because I know that I know that.
The car has the fucking car. No, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 That's just not it, dude. I just know that like sunset goes west because I can get to Santa Monica that way.
So, that's obviously west. So, I do it by the road.
I'm not dumb.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? You are dumb. I am dumb, but I just don't know certain specific little things like

Speaker 1 how to tell time and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I know what's south, north, and where I am, like, if I'm walking around. You have good internal compass.
Your internal compass is good. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's okay. That's all you need.
You know, I have a job for her. Listen.
Who?

Speaker 1 What's her name? Montgomery. Yeah.
My manager was like, well, Andrew and Bobby want to do a film. Like, oh, we're really interested, maybe, right? Because my people are trying to push a movie with us.

Speaker 1 Yeah. She could play your sister.
That's right. We don't know if she can fucking act.
You'd have to read.

Speaker 1 We're not going to offer. Do we have a scene down there? Yeah.
Throw up a scene here. We have a scene.
You want to act? All right, let's do it.

Speaker 1 Wow, I like that.

Speaker 1 She's trying to get in the business.

Speaker 1 I want Esther to read action lines because she's really, really good at that.

Speaker 1 I don't want to be Tommy. I think you're better with Tommy.
First of all, it's you and her.

Speaker 1 Do you want to be not? I'll do the scene again. I'll do the scene again after, and then we can judge.

Speaker 1 No, you're going to be better because I can't do the accent of Tommy. Or because I'm a better.

Speaker 1 No. Is it because I'm a better actor?

Speaker 1 Okay, so here we go, Esther. Okay.

Speaker 2 Tommy has just told a story that's cracked up the the entire company of gangsters at a table.

Speaker 2 You know what? You're really funny. Really funny.

Speaker 1 What do you mean, I'm funny?

Speaker 2 You know, you're funny, you know, the story.

Speaker 1 It's funny. You're a funny guy.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? The way I talk?

Speaker 1 What?

Speaker 2 It's just... You know, it's funny.
It's just funny. You know, the way you tell stories?

Speaker 1 Funny? How? I mean, what's funny about it?

Speaker 1 Tommy, no. No, I don't write.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Anthony. He's a big boy.
He knows what he said. What'd you say? Funny how? What?

Speaker 2 There's a lot.

Speaker 1 Okay, you do it now. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 I'm sweating.

Speaker 1 Maybe I'm not a good actor. You're a great actor.
And why do I have all the lies?

Speaker 1 She picked the ones with the lies. I gotta...
Alright, sorry. Finish the scene.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 Just know, you're funny. No, you know, no, no, you, you, you,

Speaker 1 you mean, let me understand this. Because I, maybe it's me.
Maybe I'm a little fucked up, but fucked up, maybe. I'm funny now.
I mean, like, I can't do this. You're doing great.
I am, all right.

Speaker 1 Fuck you guys.

Speaker 1 Like, I'm a clown. I amuse you.
I make you laugh. I'm here to fucking amuse you.
What do you mean, funny? How, funny, how? How am I funny?

Speaker 1 I just,

Speaker 2 you know the story. You know how you tell it.

Speaker 1 No, no, I don't know. You said it.
How do I know? You said I'm funny. How the fuck am I funny? What the fuck is so funny about me? Tell me.
Tell me what's funny.

Speaker 2 There's a long, suspenseful pause.

Speaker 1 One and a two and a three and a four and a five. Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 1 You motherfucker. I almost had you.
I almost had him. You stuttering pick here, Frankie.
What was he shaking? I wonder what you sometimes say.

Speaker 1 I'm glad we did it. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 God.

Speaker 1 You got the gig. You hated it.
You're way better.

Speaker 1 You got the gig.

Speaker 1 You got the gig. You got the gig.

Speaker 1 All right, you're in the movie.

Speaker 1 Sorry, I was just sweating my face. It was really, really good.

Speaker 1 To close it, X out that scene.

Speaker 1 Do you guys know what movie that's from? No, no. That's sad.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 1 You guys know what movie that is?

Speaker 1 Wow, that really breaks me.

Speaker 1 I think I know. What is it? No, hold on.

Speaker 1 You're in film. You're a film student, aren't you?

Speaker 1 I'm trying to place it right now. Funny how? You think I'm funny? Funny how? It's a classic

Speaker 1 scene. Yeah.

Speaker 1 It's one of the best movies ever made. It has to do with the mafia.
That's right. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 What is it?

Speaker 1 What is it? Godfather?

Speaker 1 No, it's not Godfather. It's not Godfather.
I don't know. Yeah, like 30 years after that.
Yeah, wait, not Scarface.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Shea I looked on my little friend. That's Scarface.

Speaker 1 That's right. Have you seen Scarface? Yeah.
Have you seen Godfather? Yeah. What movie is it, Esther?

Speaker 2 I think I have two guesses. I think it's Goodfellas.

Speaker 1 That's right.

Speaker 1 My second guess is Casino. The Kids Casino.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 it would be close if you said Casino. You guys haven't seen Goodfellas? No.
Okay. They're all 19 or 20.
I know, but the thing is, I don't know. I don't get that.

Speaker 1 Well, but I think that because it's like what I

Speaker 1 can make my point, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I see, I sound arrogant sometimes.

Speaker 1 Right? Yeah. But I was born in 1971.

Speaker 1 But.

Speaker 1 Back when we only had crank windows in the car.

Speaker 1 You had to start an airplane by a rutter in the front. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But did I see... Apple Pay wasn't then.

Speaker 1 You couldn't swipe a phone and just get a product.

Speaker 1 It was much different back then, kids.

Speaker 1 You were born in 1971. Yeah, but I still saw movies before my time.
Of course, yeah. You know who the Rolling Stones are.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, even in the 50s, you would watch certain movies that were like funny face or whatever it might be. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 Hey. Hey.

Speaker 1 This episode of Bad Friends is sponsored by Candy Crush All-Stars. We made a bet to see who could crush the most levels by the end of this podcast.

Speaker 1 And we have Andres representing Team Andrew. Andres with Andres.
And

Speaker 1 Chubby Pete is representing

Speaker 1 the best. Powerful Pete is representing Bobby.
The loser has to forfeit from the tournament and get to

Speaker 1 open mouth, kiss George with tongues. Yes.
How are you boys doing? I think Pete is losing pretty hard.

Speaker 1 I'm doing great. I'm doing great.
I'm just going to have to kill him. I'm so nervous.
I'm so nervous. Pete is losing pretty hard.

Speaker 1 Pete, what do you think, George?

Speaker 1 You're 101. What are you at, Pete?

Speaker 1 I'm 60. I'm catching on.
No, no, no, I'm coming up.

Speaker 1 I'm making grounds here. I'm making it.
Get your chapstick ready, George. Yeah, what do you think George's breath tastes like, Pete? Because you're going to taste it in about 15 minutes.

Speaker 1 Maybe a little nicotine taste. Maybe some.
Is George smoking? He is smoking. You guys are listening right now.
You got to get in. It's free to play and so much fun.
Hit the link and try to beat us.

Speaker 1 Good luck. If you haven't joined yet, you are missing out.

Speaker 1 Everyone is playing Candy Crush All-Stars Tournament, even our friend Whitney Cummings, who has absolutely no chance of beating us. None whatsoever.
She's busy breeding dogs. I'm playing.

Speaker 1 Chloe Kay is playing. Gronk is in.
It's so much fun. The competition is good.
You can can get in on the action now. And like we said, it's your chance to win a year's supply of gold bars.

Speaker 1 Baby, a year's supply of gold bars. That's amazing.
If you haven't yet, you can hit the link and play the Candy Crush All-Stars tournament right now.

Speaker 1 And we'll be checking in soon to make sure that Pete's getting his lips nice and moist and plump for George. End that tongue.
What about a kiss on the cheek? Can we just

Speaker 1 you make out with him? End of discussion. I'm liking this more and more.

Speaker 2 What is like an old classic movie that you like? What's a classic movie to you? Casablanca.

Speaker 1 Casablanca is way before God, Goodfellas, and you saw Casablanca.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've seen Goodfellas. I just like couldn't.

Speaker 1 She just didn't remember that.

Speaker 2 Do you guys know who Michael Jackson is?

Speaker 1 That's crazy. Everyone fucking knows who Michael Jackson is.

Speaker 2 That's not true.

Speaker 1 There are young fellows. There is nobody on earth that doesn't know who Michael Jackson is.

Speaker 2 People who are 18 and younger kind of don't know who he is.

Speaker 1 I've heard. These people are all that age.

Speaker 1 Let's do a little fun game show. Okay.
I'm going to throw out people that I think you should know that are like Michael Jackson level.

Speaker 1 And raise your hand if you've heard of them,

Speaker 1 that person. But they all don't have to have Michael Jackson-type crimes, do they?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're all in this.

Speaker 1 They've all beaten a baby. Okay.
Yeah, yeah. No.

Speaker 1 O.J. Simpson.

Speaker 1 All right. You know who that is.

Speaker 1 Maybe you're right. Maybe let's go a level below.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but wait, do you know that he is a football star? Yes.

Speaker 1 Okay. I didn't know that.
He is?

Speaker 1 I just. No.
I thought he was awesome at killing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That guy. I didn't know that.
Best murderer. You didn't know? You didn't know.
Just raise your hand if you know who

Speaker 1 Christopher Reeves is. Ooh.
Okay, one.

Speaker 1 None of you know who Christopher Reeves is.

Speaker 1 Is he old?

Speaker 2 Who is he?

Speaker 1 Who is he? Do you know?

Speaker 1 Yeah, he wasn't old. But what was the iconic role that he did? Oh, my God.
I know.

Speaker 1 This is okay. We're not making fun of you.
We're not making fun of you. We're just interested.
I'm curious.

Speaker 1 The most famous superhero of all time is.

Speaker 2 Oh my god. She's not.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
So he was the original Superman. And why did he not continue to play Superman?

Speaker 1 What happened to Christopher Reeves? No, what happened? What do you love? He loves horses.

Speaker 1 He loves the horsey. He does a lot of commercials now.

Speaker 1 He is.

Speaker 1 He's not alive.

Speaker 1 They might CGI him into commercials. Yeah.
So Christopher Weez is the original Superman, and then unfortunately, he was horseback riding.

Speaker 1 He got bucked off the horse, and he became paralyzed from the neck down. That's right.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Superman? Superman? Question mark?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Sonny Bono.

Speaker 1 Sonny Bono.

Speaker 1 You guys don't know who Sonny Bono is. Yeah.
He fought a tree once.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Oh my god. Well, I mean, the tree won.
The tree won.

Speaker 1 Yeah, one-zero.

Speaker 1 One on the tree.

Speaker 2 Sonny Bono was Cher's husband. They had this Sonny and Cher, so I got you, babe.
And then he was in a skiing accident.

Speaker 1 Where he

Speaker 2 died.

Speaker 1 How?

Speaker 1 He hit a tree. Yeah.

Speaker 1 One zero. One zero.
The tree one. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Have you seen Titanic? Yeah, of course.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. Okay.
You've seen Titanic. Yeah, yeah.
You have not seen Titanic, sir.

Speaker 1 What do you mean, uh... Like, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Does it hold no interest to you?

Speaker 1 It's old. It's old.
It is old. Yeah.
Do you know who's in it?

Speaker 1 Leonardo DiCaprio. And Kate Winslow.

Speaker 1 Who cares about the girl?

Speaker 1 Who gives a shit who she is? Yeah. Once Leo.
Leo is everything. I understand.
Leo is everything.

Speaker 1 Could he have fit on the door? Yeah, yes. He could have.

Speaker 1 Isn't that the age-old question? Could he have fit on that door? Why didn't she move the fuck over?

Speaker 1 I'll miss you. I could stay.

Speaker 1 He should have said. I could stay.
What do you mean, the floating door in the ocean? Yeah, she wasn't that big. It was a door? It was a door.
I think it was a door. It wasn't a big one.

Speaker 1 I thought that was a piece of wooden debris. No, I think it was a door.
Let's see. Floating door with Jack and...
That's a door. That's not a door, dude.
It's a piece of... Debris.
Look at it.

Speaker 1 Look at how big it is. Scoot the fuck over, Kate.

Speaker 1 Scoot the fuck. There's James Cameron.
Could have gotten on there too. I don't know.

Speaker 1 All three of them could have been on that fucking thing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'll miss you, Rose. And look at how comfortable she looks.
Yeah. Oh, good luck at the bottom of the sea.

Speaker 1 I used to do a joke like this. About this? Yeah, I did a joke about this.
Really? What was it? That I'm like a coward, right? So if I was in that situation, right, I would have been like,

Speaker 1 if I was him, I would have been like, hey, Rose, it's much warmer in the water.

Speaker 1 Right? And then she plops it, and I would jump up

Speaker 1 and I start paddling away. Smart, shark, you know what I mean? And paddle away.

Speaker 1 I could easily see when they're like, women and children first, and then you covering up your hair and scampering in like, I'm a lady.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Help me.
I think I would. I think I'm a survivor in that way.
Yeah, coward. That's not a coward.
That's not cowardly.

Speaker 1 No, because I would. No, let me defend myself.

Speaker 1 Men and women

Speaker 1 are equal.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so they say.

Speaker 1 In my eyes, they are. Yeah, except for this.
No, I don't believe. No, in every scenario.
So if you're singing on a boat, it's not women and children. It's everybody who I think it should be everyone.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Don't you think if we're all equal? What do you think?

Speaker 2 I sort of agree because then you think about your splitting up family. Like, I would not be able to get on a lifeboat and leave like my dad or Dave.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I don't think I could.
I think it should be just men.

Speaker 1 The women and children got to stay on the boat.

Speaker 2 Do you think if you guys were on the Titanic, like what person

Speaker 2 would you be? Would you be like the guys playing the music?

Speaker 1 So condescending. Him and I are in the bowels of the boat.
I'm shoveling coal. He's in the kitchen.
You know what's really going on. Yeah, yeah.
We're dead. He's in the walk.

Speaker 1 He's like, hurry up, hurry up. And I'm shoveling coal with all the other Irish scumbags in the bottom of the boat.
You're up top, soiraying with the fancies. We're dead immediately.

Speaker 1 Me and Wang over here are dead within seconds. Why do I want to be Wang? Because that's what they used to call you back then.
No, Sullivan. No, I'm Sullivan.
I'm the Irish one. You should be Sullivan.

Speaker 1 No, they'd call me a Mick piece of shit. They'd be like, get down there, Wong.
And you'd be in the kitchen, and I'd be shoveling coal, and we would come out. I'd say, call me by my first name, Frank.

Speaker 1 All right. I would have changed my name.
I'm

Speaker 1 Frank Wang. Frank Wong.
I'm Frank Wong. Just call me by my first name.
Right? Right. Right.

Speaker 1 You're Frank Wong. I'm Frank Wong.
You're Frank Wong. Yeah, yeah.
And then what's an Asian first name? That's my first name. Toshi.

Speaker 1 I'm Toshi O'Sullivan. Yeah, Yeah, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Toshi O'Sullivan.
Frank Wong and Toshi O'Sullivan.

Speaker 1 We were best friends, right? Because nobody wanted to hang out with us. This is the movie.
This is the movie. Titanic.
This is the movie. Did the story between Toshi Sullivan and Frank Wong.

Speaker 1 All right. That's the movie.
They were playing cards, smoking as the boat is going down.

Speaker 2 That's a good premise, like a comedy about two other people's experience of the Titanic.

Speaker 1 The Titanic. I think we should seriously.
That's so funny to me. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 It'd be great if we did like a bunch of shorts.

Speaker 1 Like if we did that short and then we did, we did our perspective the the of the of a great movie from another viewpoint right yeah kind of how um buster scrub ballad of buster scrugs where they did like six shorts it was brilliant what if we did that where we did a bunch of the other scene the other version like jurassic park sorry what happened are you all right

Speaker 1 what's my beverage oh no cop me up

Speaker 1 i like my beverage this is what happens around here so you and i um i like the idea yeah but i want to do more movies yeah right So you ever see The Highlander? Yeah. Right?

Speaker 1 So you and I are just the two only immortals on earth. And we just, throughout history, Wang, right? Frank Wang and Toshi Sullivan.

Speaker 1 And Toshi Sullivan are all always in these tragedy, like historical tragedies. That's so good.
Right. So

Speaker 1 we'll be in Germany. Right.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? At Auschwitz. No, no, no.
No. Make it funny.
Which one? The Hindenburg crash.

Speaker 1 No, okay. All right, you're right.
The blip is hilarious. Yeah, that's it.
You and me blowing up. We're going down.

Speaker 1 So I can say lines like that.

Speaker 1 Here we go. You're right.

Speaker 1 And then we explode. Yeah, and then it goes home.
And then you and I survive. We just kind of.
Oh, we survived the Hindenburg crisis. No, because we're immortal.
We can't die. Oh, that's right.
Okay.

Speaker 1 So throughout history, you and I are best friends, and we always end up just in the center of these historical tragedy. Oh, how about this, though?

Speaker 1 Why don't we do this, right? So we We do an episode where I go.

Speaker 1 You know, you know, Toshi, I always add that the accent.

Speaker 1 Toshi, you know, why don't you visit my home? I don't want to.

Speaker 1 I've got to try an Irish.

Speaker 1 I don't want to go there. Yeah, yeah.
I don't want to be over there.

Speaker 1 All the dumb things. This is 1945.

Speaker 1 I'm from Hiroshima.

Speaker 1 All right. All right.
This summer. Listen, Frank, this summer we'll go to

Speaker 1 Hiroshima. You love it.

Speaker 1 This summer I'll go to Hiroshima. So now you and I are at a summation.
I'm taking a vacation. You were on a vacation, right? Yeah.
We have our like Hawaiian, for some reason we have like Hawaiian like

Speaker 1 trunks. This place is beautiful.
I told you, what's that? And we both look up, right? Here we go again.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. So awful.
So awful. This is really good, though.

Speaker 1 A series of comedy tragedies would be a great way to go back in time.

Speaker 1 Do you guys live together here?

Speaker 1 This is a program where every, like, all these

Speaker 1 are staying. You guys knew each other from the East Coast then, from school.
Is that fun?

Speaker 2 Like a big sleepover every night?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, it seems like so much fun.

Speaker 1 God, it's it's like you're it's almost like you're going back to your first year in college when you didn't have right because it's like mom and dad don't know I can stay up as late as I want, but you've already had that experience, but now you're doing it again.

Speaker 1 Does it feel like you're getting away with something again?

Speaker 1 Because you're in a different place? Yeah. Yeah.
Fuck, we're old. Do you guys fight?

Speaker 1 No. They fist fight.
They have UFC nights. Oh, they're using it.

Speaker 1 You two fight?

Speaker 1 Do you really? We're besties. But you fight because you're besties.
What do you guys fight about? Guess.

Speaker 1 She's just like so loud. You're so loud.

Speaker 1 He's so loud. Yeah.
So you guys love each other. You just hate your brother-sister type of shit.
Yes, exactly. But what's the fights usually about?

Speaker 1 You stole my...

Speaker 1 You stole my food type of stuff? You stole her pillow

Speaker 1 right. I figured it was stolen.
So you do look like a fucking thief. He feels like he takes.
You know what I mean? And he just, because he's cute and sweet, he gets away with it.

Speaker 1 Most people go, oh, Matt, he's just, what are you going to do? It's Matt. Do you guys live in any private rooms or is there like a wall separate?

Speaker 1 I live in my own bedroom. Oh, yeah, you would.

Speaker 1 You would, you brat. He is the little diva.

Speaker 1 You guys share a room.

Speaker 1 But two different beds.

Speaker 1 Okay, cool. You share a room and you share a room.
Yeah. But old princess over here gets...
Yeah. You would.
You would get your own little room, Brat.

Speaker 1 That's exactly how it would be if this whole office had to have something like that. I would have to share a room with those scumbags downstairs and this brat would get her own room.
100%. Am I right?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah, you know you.
You have more credits. No, no.
It's not. No, it has nothing to do with credit.
Seniority. Yeah, you're older, for sure.
That's what. I'm older.
That's what it is.

Speaker 1 I'm like 15 years older than you. 12.
That's right. 13.
Yeah. 12.
I'll tell you what.

Speaker 1 Can I just say something about myself? Because I know what my body looks like. Let me just say one last thing.

Speaker 1 I know what my body looks like. I know what my breath smells like.

Speaker 1 I know what some of the orifices of my body are just stank and not natural and not good, not pure. Right?

Speaker 1 So, you know, you look in the mirror, you're naked, you look in the mirror, you go, What can I offer? You know, I mean, a partner, right? So I go the extra mile, you know what I mean.

Speaker 1 And that's, I think, I think, you know, girls are cool. I mean, blessed to date someone like me.
You think so?

Speaker 1 What do you mean? No, I think. No, no.
I want you to be honest with me. I think you're the.

Speaker 1 I love you. You're my brother.
I know, but I. Something.
Slam me down. I'm going to.
Yeah, push me down to the ground. I love you to death.
I also know that you're living proof that women

Speaker 1 care much, much more about more than what meets the eye.

Speaker 1 You're living proof. I am living proof.
Let me get this straight. Let me finish it.
It's not done? No. Okay.

Speaker 1 That men are very shallow. Men are remarkably shallow, right? And women are intellectually

Speaker 1 further than us emotionally because they have the ability to see past physicality.

Speaker 1 and find something more real.

Speaker 1 You're living proof

Speaker 1 that women can, you know, have you ever gone, you've gone swimming in Hawaii with a lot of seaweeds and you have, and a lot of vegetation in the ocean, right?

Speaker 1 And somebody says, if you dive down, you're going to, there's amazing

Speaker 1 life down there. There's incredible, there's incredible,

Speaker 1 the sea floor is amazing. And a man might go, I don't know, look at all that fucking swamp shit.

Speaker 1 But a woman can go, I'm going to get through all all the swamp shit because I know there's beauty way down there. Way deep.
Way deep.

Speaker 1 There is a massive amount of swampy shit. Sludge.
Stinky, toxic, sludgy. Sludgy.
Particles. Particles.
And natural shit. And maybe like man-made things where you have to, like, plastics.

Speaker 1 A lot of man-made grossness. A lot of stuff that's man's own fault.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And they get through that

Speaker 1 to see the natural, real beauty. The real beauty.
Deep, though, deep. Like in the bottom where the

Speaker 1 where the the fish is very translucent correct you know like how you go really deep and you have that one with the little tail with the you know that purple lights up its own

Speaker 1 blood yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 and deep down this is you that's who i am yeah but you got to get through all the swamp

Speaker 1 yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 okay so so after all this time i want you to go down the list and say um our candy crush friends names there do you remember all their names because you did that word association it's been enough time where i think you should remember all of them.

Speaker 1 We spoke to them heavily. We had a great time with them.
Did you guys have fun? Yes. Good.

Speaker 1 Good.

Speaker 1 Now, what are their names?

Speaker 1 That sweet, sweet human on the left is named Montgomery.

Speaker 1 Correct. Now, what's the gentleman next to her? Matthew.
Matthew, and next to him.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to think.

Speaker 1 You don't remember?

Speaker 1 Give me like a hint. No, come on.
Look at her. Look at her sweet, sweet face, and you'll figure it out.
I love her. I love you.

Speaker 1 He loves you. She loves you.

Speaker 1 Definitely.

Speaker 1 Victoria is over there, but that's that one. That's Victoria.
Sophie.

Speaker 1 Sophie's choice. That's how I remember her.
Right. Who's the movie that I

Speaker 1 can? And can I be honest with you? Yeah.

Speaker 1 She is a huge fan of yours. That's the hardest part.

Speaker 1 The two other girls don't even know who you are. I know they don't.
I can feel their energy. And she loves you.

Speaker 2 I love your name, by the way.

Speaker 2 It's a fellow old lady name. Yep.
Yep.

Speaker 1 That's a good hint. That's a good guess.

Speaker 1 A good hint. Good hint, thank you.
Florence.

Speaker 1 But that's a good guess. That's a pretty good guess.
That's a fun guess. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Elis.

Speaker 1 Elise. Nope.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 The hint was the name of a

Speaker 2 person, was the hint that you used.

Speaker 1 Was the name of another person.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 A designer.

Speaker 1 Oh, a designer. Oh, it's so...
You should know it now.

Speaker 1 Okay, so let me think of the designers that I know. You know, Ralph...
Ralph? Yes. Ralph Laurent.
Okay, so that's one, right? Yeah. I think we mentioned it in the Titanic.

Speaker 1 We mentioned

Speaker 1 the last name in the Titanic bit. Okay.
We did.

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 What were some of the names that we said you were in the Titanic bit?

Speaker 1 When the captain came down to yell at us. Yeah, I was Frank.
Yeah, but he at first, your name, your last name is Sullivan. No, no, I'm

Speaker 1 O'Sullivan. Oh,

Speaker 1 I'm Toshi O'Sullivan, and you're Frank.

Speaker 1 Wild. No, it was an Asian sound.
It was an Asian name. Okay.
Frank.

Speaker 1 I gotta go.

Speaker 2 You're so defeated.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so you're Frank. I'm in my head.
I'm shut down. No, I'm not.
Frank. I'm in my

Speaker 1 Wanda.

Speaker 1 I'm in my own thing.

Speaker 1 I gotta get out of here. I'm sweating.
You're gonna figure this out for the sake of this. Just fucking tell me what it is!

Speaker 1 Sorry, sorry. What is it? Wang.
Wanda. Wang.
Wang chung. Wang.
Wang. Who wang? Wang chung.
Who wang?

Speaker 1 Fung wang. Fung wang.
Fung wang. Fung wang.
That's the word. Fiora.

Speaker 1 Fiora?

Speaker 2 You're getting so bad.

Speaker 2 It sounds kind of like that.

Speaker 1 Fiora.

Speaker 1 Fiora. Who's a designer named Wang?

Speaker 1 I don't know her name. I know she's got it.

Speaker 1 I don't know her.

Speaker 1 We're going to sit here until you get it. No, I'm leaving.
I'm going to leave. In fact, you know what? I'm tired of this.

Speaker 1 I don't know why I'm in this. I know.
I'm going to give you five seconds to tell me what the fucking name is. I literally want to.
Who are you talking to? You, man. Who the fuck are you talking about?

Speaker 1 Talking to. You fucking fucking fucking name now.
No, no. This is

Speaker 1 your responsibility with these. Tell me to fucking name somebody right now, man.
These are the people from Candy Crush. They're not the Candy Candy Crush people.

Speaker 1 I'm not afraid of these fucking people. Well, I want you to tell him your name and tell him how sad it makes you that he didn't remember.

Speaker 1 What is it? Vera. That's what I said.
He didn't. I never said it.
Check the tape. Vera.
Vera Wong. Vera Wang.
Wang. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Vera, I'm sorry, okay?

Speaker 1 I forgive you. That fast.

Speaker 1 It's all right.

Speaker 2 I know. We shut him down.
I feel so bad.

Speaker 1 No, you're not around here enough.

Speaker 1 This is my natural state. Yeah, this is him.

Speaker 1 Also, he deserves it sometimes. Thank you for being a bad friend.
No, I want them to do it. I want you guys as loud as you can to yell on the counter three, thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 1 So the mic's picking up. One, two, three.
Thank you for being a bad friend. That's good.

Speaker 1 Okay, so here it is. So Biden lost.

Speaker 1 Close your eyes.

Speaker 1 Close your eyes, eyes, George.

Speaker 1 That's a consequence. That's a consequence.
What? No, I close your eyes.

Speaker 1 Close your eyes, George. Close your eyes, George.
No. Close your eyes.