Close Encounters of the Yellow Belly

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 1 Number one, hello. Hello.
Hello. Number two,

Speaker 1 I have a secret about you, but I'm afraid my colleague told me not to tell you, but I it's itching. You have a secret for me? No, from you.
I have to keep a secret from you. Tell me.

Speaker 1 But let's go to him first. Introduce our guest again, who's here.
Okay, well, we got this guy right here, right?

Speaker 1 He got a little too much love last time. It was so much.
It drove me. Bring Doc back.

Speaker 1 Where would he drop you?

Speaker 1 Where are you performing? Yeah. Are you really? He's Ha Ha Cafe.
Yeah, what did you respect? Is that

Speaker 1 what you're doing? I'm not making me, but I'm just saying.

Speaker 1 Oh, they go. You know what I mean? Where is he performing? How about this? How about this? Where there's a coffee shop with a stage?

Speaker 1 Wow, that's that's

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
He's on Jefferson and Venice.

Speaker 1 You have to go to the corner with a mic. You know what I mean? Are you still directing planes at Van Nuys?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Telling jokes.

Speaker 1 Doc is the man. Doc is back.
We love Doc to death. And by the way, I see you're performing on Friday at The Laugh Factory.
Why don't you bring Doc?

Speaker 1 I'm performing

Speaker 1 tonight. Oh, tonight? Yeah.
Then bring Doc tonight. I can't just bring this little guy over here.
Famous Bobby Lee.

Speaker 1 Superstar famous Bobby Lee.

Speaker 1 The biggest name on the flyer. Can't bring somebody to do it against it.
First of all, can I just say this? Interesting. I'm on the outs there.
Why?

Speaker 1 Because last night I found out something very interesting. What?

Speaker 1 Is this the secret you were going to tell me? No. Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 I can't think I can tell you. Wait, why? Do we need to blank it out? Is that why? No.
I think you should just be very upset. I would be upset? Yeah.
Tell me. But can we do the laugh factory first?

Speaker 1 Fine. All right.

Speaker 1 So yesterday, I was supposed to be there last night.

Speaker 1 I called and I go, I can't make it. And they go, we got a birthday cake on stage for you.
Oh.

Speaker 1 And Joe Coy and all these people showed up. Happy to show up.
They go. I'm like,

Speaker 1 I can't go. Right?

Speaker 1 Why? When I killed you because I was at a two Michelin star

Speaker 1 sushi restaurant.

Speaker 1 Two's not enough for me. No, you're a three-man.
I'm a three-star. I get it.
But when you slum, you do two. When I'm roughing it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, when you're roughing it.

Speaker 1 Have you ever been to a Michelin star restaurant? No. Do you know what that is? No, I don't even know what that is.
I love that shit. Yeah, yeah.
It's good shit away.

Speaker 1 You know what Michelin the Tire Company? Yeah. The car tire company? They also rate restaurants internationally, believe that or not.
What the fuck? How did it happen?

Speaker 1 Because back in the 19, like early, back in the day, they were more like prestigious. They were the only tire companies.
They're still very prestigious.

Speaker 1 In the sense, you know, Michelin has like a tire on your Honda. Right.
But they also make very, very high-end tires for like F1 and Indy, for like high-end cars. Okay, I get you.

Speaker 1 So they were a prestigious, very wealthy company, and they had this side branch of doing fucking

Speaker 1 rating restaurants. Kind of like Guinness Book of World Records is Guinness, the beer beer company.
What? Yeah, so you don't know that? In France,

Speaker 1 in France, it's probably like 15,

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 two or three stars.

Speaker 1 How many Michelin star restaurants are in France? Look that up, because honestly, probably 30. Maybe 30 or 40.

Speaker 1 So Michelin owns these restaurants? No, no, no, no. What they do is they, if you get a star, one star, it's like this restaurant hovers above any other plain restaurant you go to.
Correct. Right.

Speaker 1 Okay. Two stars is like you're going to drop a grand.
A lot. Look at 57 new starred restaurants in in France.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 638 restaurants in France, and including 57 new ones. Holy shit, 638 restaurants have Michelin stars.
Yeah, it's quite quality. That's insane, though.

Speaker 1 So, what's the difference between Michelin and Yelp?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 oh, man, I need to hire money Jefferson and Sautella at 9:30 tonight. 930 denied, right? 9:38.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you know what? For real, though, it's just snooty shit.

Speaker 1 It's like fancy social media.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's just for high-end people.

Speaker 1 no you could you could go i could go yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 1 we would have we would have to take you there yeah there would be no easy yeah

Speaker 1 you could go though okay yeah yeah and i feel like

Speaker 1 miss your bobby lee we uh you and andrew we've happy to have you there is a little black man outside

Speaker 1 trying to get

Speaker 1 he ordered the um french fries

Speaker 1 so my point is so a michelin star restaurant so last night i went to a two-star there's one on la sienaga Yes. And

Speaker 1 it cost a lot. How much per person? $400.
Jesus Christ. And you don't even drink booze.
No.

Speaker 1 See, because when I drink alcohol and if I go to any fancy restaurant, it's another fuckload of money because you're drinking two drinks. Each drink is like $40.

Speaker 1 But it's also a two and a half hour event. Yes, it's a night out.
Yeah, you don't do this all day. This is like a dance or something, or is it just eating?

Speaker 1 Did you say dancing? Are people singing and dancing?

Speaker 1 No, it's not a black funeral show.

Speaker 1 He did. He did it.
He did it. He did.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. If I saw a black funeral once on TV or whatever,

Speaker 1 some guy did a fucking somersault crying. Into the casket.
No, toward the casket, though. Like

Speaker 1 he tumbled toward it. It was amazing.
Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Why do you guys get so anyway? Well, you know,

Speaker 1 very emotional people. This is very not 2021.
We're doing it. What is not? What is it?

Speaker 1 We're very stereotypical and we're telling jokes that are like we've been doing this since the beginning of the show. I know, I understand that.
Maybe we should. Let's move on.

Speaker 1 So, anyway, the Michelin Star Russell. You want to stop having fun on the show?

Speaker 1 There's a one called Cali on Melrose. I've been to twice.
Yeah. It's really good, but we should take you to one.
I'm being real. No, we should.
We should take him to Cali or one of these ones.

Speaker 1 Like Bestia in downtown. Is it Michelin? I love, I like it.
I've been to four seasons. Is that the same? No, but they do have very high-end chefs.

Speaker 1 I didn't pay either. Eric Griffin and them.
Well, Gerard and them paid.

Speaker 1 Gerard paid. Yeah.
Let's make Eric pay for this. Let's take EP and make Eric pay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Eric will pay for this for you.
Yeah, he should.

Speaker 1 For being on this program. Oh, so anyway, let's go back to the Laugh Factory.
So I'm in trouble there. What did you do? So I call and they go, I can't make it.
It's timeout. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The Michelin Star restaurant. You went there with whom? My brother.

Speaker 1 Just you and Steve? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Steve, my boy. What did he get? What are you doing there, Steve? It's one of those sushi restaurants where you can't order.
Oh, oh, you went to Park, no? No, no, we went on La Ciena.

Speaker 1 Park's not a fucking Michelin Star restaurant. Sushi Park is.

Speaker 1 I don't know. But anyway, is it? Yeah, it is.
You're talking about Above Joe's Pizza. No.
Sushi Park.

Speaker 1 That's Michelin? Oh, yeah. All right, my bad.
But that one, there's no menu either. Okay.
Wait a minute. So, how do you go on the Michelin website to find a sniper? What is this?

Speaker 1 Yeah, when you're ordering tires, right? You click on, I want to get two sets of slim tires. Oh, this is really good.
And smell crab. I'm just trying to educate myself.

Speaker 1 No, you know what? We love it. That's how we love you.
That's what we love.

Speaker 1 Actually, by the way, yes, he's right. You can go to the Michelin website to find out the restaurants that are on the Michelin Coast.
Exactly, you can. So, yes, you can.

Speaker 1 You can make reservations or look at probably menus and stuff.

Speaker 1 Pete, look it up. I mean, you know what? You might be more right than you think.

Speaker 1 And we laugh for no reason. We laugh for no reason.
We're laughing in your face. But, like, Michelin.
What's the fanciest restaurant you've been to?

Speaker 1 And here in California? Yeah. No, give us Nevada first.

Speaker 1 Delaware? Let's go from East Coast. Delaware on.

Speaker 1 I've been to

Speaker 1 four seasons. That's it.
That's nice. That's nice.
Okay, so look, Michelin Guide has, they've got like, look, you can scroll down, you can see the restaurants that they've got on.

Speaker 1 They have hotel ratings and all sorts of stuff. Discover the Michelin Guide restaurant selection.
So there you go. You can look it up right there on the website.

Speaker 1 So why don't you say, why don't you talk shit back to Bobby for laughing at you about that?

Speaker 1 He's an asshole. More than that.
Give him something more than that.

Speaker 1 You know, it ain't worth it. He's not even worth the fucking energy right now.

Speaker 1 It's funny. I'm the one that called you to get on the screen.

Speaker 1 I've been to Michelin in Japan, by the way. Yeah? Which one?

Speaker 1 It was called

Speaker 1 Sai. S-A-I? Sigh.

Speaker 1 Was it good?

Speaker 1 Was it fucking? How much was it? Too much. How much was it? I don't embarrass about that kind of thing.
I just said.

Speaker 1 You're proud of it. I'm embarrassed.
No, I'm not embarrassed. I'm embarrassed too.
You have to say it because I said 400 of fucking pop. Bobby, you've been out of the country before, too?

Speaker 1 What? What's wrong with it?

Speaker 1 Hey, man, that's insane. Hey, man, that's it.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you where I've been in the world. Okay? Okay.
I've been to Tokyo, Korea, right? I've been to South Africa,

Speaker 1 England,

Speaker 1 France,

Speaker 1 Germany,

Speaker 1 Australia. Germany is my favorite.
You love that. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, also, yeah, I can wear the outfit. Yeah, do you still have that jacket? Yeah, I do.
Yeah. Mexico, I've been to Honduras.
Honduras. Canada, obviously.

Speaker 1 Where else have I been? I've been

Speaker 1 obviously in the Philippines, yeah. Hold on, my mom's calling.
Okay. Mom, you're on the Bad Friends podcast with me and Bobby and our special guest, Doc.
Say hi, Miss Santino.

Speaker 1 How come you, hey, mom, how come you didn't call me back the four times that I called you today?

Speaker 1 I'm calling you now. Yeah, but I was going through a tough time all day today.
I called you crying from the McDonald's drive-thru this morning. You didn't call me back.

Speaker 1 That's funny.

Speaker 1 I love you. I'll call you after the show.

Speaker 1 Bye. Love you.
Yeah. Bye.
So, yes, I've been out of the country. Oh, wow.
Have you? Tijuana.

Speaker 1 This guy's like a classic. What did you do do in Tijuana? You're a classic.
Other than buy chicklets. What did you do down here?

Speaker 1 Me and the comic named Cisco, we did a show in. Oh, I know, I do.
I love Cisco.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we just went over there to get some tacos.
Oh, so you were in San Diego doing a show? Yeah, and we walked across the border. Tacos.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Brown tacos?

Speaker 1 Yeah, just regular brown tacos. On a street or in a restaurant? It was in a hotel.
Street. Yeah, it's the street tacos.

Speaker 1 It's a hotel. It's a restaurant over there.
He went to have tacos. The four seasons in Tijuana.
But we were just walking blocks, too. Tacos.

Speaker 1 They met two tacos at a bar. Yeah, yeah.
And they had tacos at a hotel.

Speaker 1 I see. That's what they did.
That's what they did. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What did you do down there? Tacos. Yeah, bro.

Speaker 1 Anyway, he walked around. So, can I go back to the laugh act right now? What happened? Yes.

Speaker 1 So in the background, I was talking to Enrique, the manager. In the background, I hear.
Great, great dude. I love him.
Is trying to flip that place around hard.

Speaker 1 After the panel. I used to work for him for the improv, too, when he worked there.
I loved him

Speaker 1 so i hear in the background these son of a bitch this fucking guy we call you know me him about you it's jamie masada in the background about you yeah and i go what the fuck is he rambling about and then jamie comes on you broke my foot

Speaker 1 you broke his foot yes when two years ago wait what yeah how i broke his foot doing what so i was at the laugh factory before the pandemic and i had a good set and i was like jumping around in the lobby I see it right now, right?

Speaker 1 And he goes, You calm down, calm down, right? And I walked up and what are you gonna do, right? And I started hopping, right? And I slammed down on my foot on his foot. And you broke his foot.

Speaker 1 And he goes, He was drunk. So he goes, Aha! He's like, screamed.
He goes, Ah, ah. And I thought he was kidding around, like, not exaggerating.

Speaker 1 He goes, buddy, buddy, I think you had something wrong, wrong. I'll see you later.
You broke it. I had to go to the store.
He's 90 years old. I know.

Speaker 1 I go, see you later, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then he never called me one time for years. Should we call him?

Speaker 1 what? Should we call him? Yeah, let's see how he's doing.

Speaker 1 By the way, you know what I used to do to Jamie Masada? People that don't know, Jamie's the owner of the Laugh Factory, really sweet guy.

Speaker 1 He, I would used to complain that they weren't paying us enough. Yeah, so I'm not kidding.
Because you know, he would, he takes money by the door for tickets and seats for the booth.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so he'll attest to this. I'll bully him.
I would bully him in the hallway. I'd go, I want more money.
Yeah. And he goes, come on, buddy.
But I would do it in front of people.

Speaker 1 I'm not kidding. I would grab money out of his pocket and take it.
And he'd be like, come on. Will this come into the thing or no? Huh? Will this come under the earpiece?

Speaker 1 It's going to be through here. Okay.
Oh, just do it. Because I'm not connected.
Okay. Did you actually call him Jamie? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I'm going to talk about his broken foot.

Speaker 1 But I'm going to tell you, the money story is real. I used to bully him bad.
One time I stole 400 bucks from him. Wow.
Michelin. Went right to the restaurant after that boy.
He's not going to answer.

Speaker 1 He's two kids now. Let's see who he picks up for.
That's funny. He had a second.
Let's see who he picks up for. Yeah, yeah, two kids.
Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 That old Persian sperm is strong.

Speaker 1 It's all

Speaker 1 those years of oppression went into his balls. He created two.
Are you ready? Little kids. Hang up now.

Speaker 1 Did you hang out? Hold on.

Speaker 1 My goodness. Yeah, that's his kids.
Okay, so.

Speaker 1 This is an exercise, and he's going to pick up the phone just because it keeps ringing now. No, that's not what it is.
Yes, it is. No, hilarious.

Speaker 1 Yes, because it's ringing now. He's going to be like, what are all these people calling me for? Something happened.
No, that's not what happened. I would do the same thing.

Speaker 1 He's not going to pick up for me. Yes, he will because he he saw his phone blown up.
That's not right. If his phone's blowing up, it's because he thinks, oh my god, something happened.

Speaker 1 He's so paranoid that he because you're doing this. This is bad.
Do you know where y'all got this podcast?

Speaker 1 I don't think even we even know each other. He knows we got the podcast.
Yeah, he does. Yeah.
All right, so he's not picking up. Let me wait.

Speaker 1 But I'll leave a message maybe to say sorry for breaking your tongue. Yeah, you should.

Speaker 1 He's in Jamie. My, I got him, ladies and gentlemen.
That's very cute.

Speaker 1 That's very cute. That's his wife.
Jamie, Bobby Lee, man. Hey, man, I'm sorry for breaking your foots.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 last night I was like

Speaker 1 thinking about it, and I felt really bad about breaking your foot. It's funny, though.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, but it's funny.
And good luck. And good luck, bud.
I'll see you soon. Love you.
Love you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so I broke his foot. And he was pissed.
Yeah. Yeah, man.
He's literally,

Speaker 1 he's one of those Egyptian mystics where he might be a thousand years old. Yeah, he is.
Like just returning. He has one of those vibes.
Right. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 He also knows, like, he hangs up with a, look at Quincy Jones is one of his best friends. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Quincy Jones? Bro, he's. Oh, you know him, though.
I know him.

Speaker 1 Jamie's collection of old friends is insane. I mean, dude, he used to, his legacy is understated because Mitzi gets all this credit for the comedy store and nobody talks about Jamie.

Speaker 1 Jamie ran that area of Sunset on his own, solely on his own. Well, the club.

Speaker 1 He bought that thing. But But I thought he was like.

Speaker 1 I thought, like, the highest he had was like Damon Wayne's.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? Fucking everybody performed. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 I'm thinking of it.

Speaker 1 In the beginning, it was just a hallway. Did you know that? Yeah.
So when you walk into the lobby of the fucking Laugh Actory, that's essentially what it was. Look at what Pete spelled it.

Speaker 1 Jamie Iosada.

Speaker 1 Like he's Japanese. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You got it right there. See what it says.
Did you mean? Just click on that one, Pete, learning Google for the first time. There he is.
Look at him looking fucking good. That little

Speaker 1 cancer. He looks great.
And he talks like this, body, body, body, body. So, Jamie, so Jamie, and then later, obviously, they bought the rest of the side, the

Speaker 1 club.

Speaker 1 But back in the, like, probably in the 90s and 2000s and stuff, I think if Comedy Store had the reign of the 70s and 80s and part of the 90s, Jamie definitely took it over the rest of the

Speaker 1 time because he discovered, like, he had a lot of acts that we didn't have at the store. Like, he had Dane was huge for him.
Oh, the Wayne's brothers.

Speaker 1 Harlan Wayne. Harlan Williams back when Harlan was harmless.
Chappelle used to go over a lot. Chappelle, yeah, a lot of people

Speaker 1 fucked with that guy. That guy's the best luck.
Because you know why? He's a really good dude. He's a good guy.

Speaker 1 He really is a sweet guy. And he cared about comedy a lot.
Like he just wanted to be able to make.

Speaker 1 You know, a lot of club owners, I think

Speaker 1 they want to get famous. Yeah.
And they also want to do stand-up. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Jamie never worked. But he was a comedian, right? Yeah, he was.
Yeah, yeah, but he knew when he didn't need to be a comedian anymore. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 He learned pretty fucking fast. He worked at the store.
He was a cover booth guy, didn't you? I know. Yeah.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 But he learned that he wasn't going to be a comedian. He knew he needed to cultivate talent.
I mean, he figured it out that he was like, I got to stop doing this.

Speaker 1 And he also discovered Tiffany Hattis. Let's be real.
100%. Yeah, yeah.
100%. When she was 16, 16 or 16, she used to take the button.
I met her then. There she is, right there.
She is right there.

Speaker 1 There it is.

Speaker 1 My beauty. Yeah.
So, Jamie. Could have been my wife.
Could have been. A great guy.
Yeah, we could have dated. Tell me my little secret, please.

Speaker 1 Or the thing that I'm not supposed to know that you're going to. How do you detail this guy? Because he is hurting.
I want to know. I lost.
Come on.

Speaker 1 I lost. Just say it.
I lost your.

Speaker 1 You lost what? What? You lost my fucking birthday gift?

Speaker 1 Did you seriously, dude?

Speaker 1 We don't know where it is. We don't know where it is.

Speaker 1 We don't know where it was.

Speaker 1 We don't know. We lost some song.
We don't know where it is. Are you being fucking serious? I wasn't even supposed to tell you, bro.
Do you know how nice that was, dude? That was such a nice gift.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much for coming. It was a vintage fucking movie poster.
It was beautiful. It was beautiful.
And very expensive, might I ask.

Speaker 1 I don't know why. How do we lose a baby?

Speaker 1 Are you fucking

Speaker 1 fellas?

Speaker 1 No, don't wait.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 whoa, dude. That's $2.

Speaker 1 Oh, that's real money. I spilled water.
I'm kidding. Are you joking? Yeah, I swear to God.
That was good. That was good.
Oh, my God. That was good.

Speaker 1 I'm on steroids. You can't do that to me.
You brought out the demon. I know.
God, relax. Easy, son.
I am on steroids right now. I did lose it, but you did.
I know you did. know we lost it.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 1 I'm soaking wet. Why are you getting angry? I'm soaking wet.

Speaker 1 Here, give me all of it, Pete. Just give me the roll.
Thank you, Pete. Let's give it up for Pete for the roll.

Speaker 1 I'm soaking wet. I'm on steroids.
That's why I'm angry. Prednisone.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You know why? Honestly. Because of my fucking

Speaker 1 you did lose it. I know you did.
No, but we have it.

Speaker 1 How the fuck did we lose it? But what's the real secret then? That was it. I was talking about it.
Speaking of something else, I can feel it. There is something else.
There isn't nothing else.

Speaker 1 What is it? There is nothing else. I'm glad you didn't lose it.
But did you like it? Loved it. In fact,

Speaker 1 have we talked about my party? A little bit, but not really.

Speaker 1 Also, people listening, it wasn't like the party that we were going to invite fans and stuff to. It was a dinner.
It was basically a dinner, and it was a surprise for me. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 It was a surprise dinner. So Kalala goes, hey, dad, six.
I'm having dinner with Sterling. Do you want to,

Speaker 1 you should come.

Speaker 1 So I go, all right. Right.
So we meet Sterling. And so now I'm at Choson, this Korean restaurant.
The best. And I'm walking down.

Speaker 1 Now, where is that at? Koreatown. Koreatown.
Koreatown. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey, man, I don't want to get out.

Speaker 1 I know. Now we're going to fucking start taking it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then I

Speaker 1 come around the corner, and it was like

Speaker 1 25, 20 people?

Speaker 1 17, I think, was the number. 17, 16 people.
Yeah, 17, 16 people. And it was like...

Speaker 1 I was like... You were genuinely shocked.
Shocked. I have video of your mouth going like this.
I'm so surprised. Oh, yeah.
I was so surprised. But be honest.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You got some good gifts, but like I said, I said when I gave you my gift, I go, this is unorthodox. It's unusual.
I think he's really going to love it. I love it.

Speaker 1 And I go, he'll love it when he gets home and

Speaker 1 gets to look at it.

Speaker 1 It's beautiful. You got a lot of stuff.
Yeah, yeah. It's beautiful.
And you also,

Speaker 1 your wife, I was going to say her friend my guy, but you guys both. You can say it, scuba.
Scuba. Yeah.
You guys both, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You guys put a lot into it and a a lot of attention into it. Thank you.
And it's also, you stayed for the whole thing. Yeah.
Yeah. You didn't even stay for the whole thing.

Speaker 1 No, because I had to do a dumb fun thing. I know, but that's ironic.
You left. I left.
Wait, you left? Griff left. I turned around.
Yeah. It was me and Rosenbaum.
Mike Rosenbaum, yeah. Me and Rosie.

Speaker 1 And he's like, you got to get your back fixed in Romania L. Rey.

Speaker 1 DoorDash. I'll tell you what, Andrew, when I go to Hawaii or anywhere in this country.

Speaker 1 Anywhere? Oh, yeah. Because you can use it all over the country.
Yeah. That's true.
My number one delivery service I use is DoorDash because they're most effective.

Speaker 1 It's the only one I have on my podcast. They're nice, fast.
They have the most variety of places. By far.
Did you forget something at the store?

Speaker 1 Now you can get snacks, drinks, and household essentials in 30 minutes with DoorDash. Come on.
Dinner, check. Deodorant, check.
Morning, pick me up from Dunkin' Donuts, check.

Speaker 1 Get everything you need whenever you need it with DoorDash. You want Chinese or Korean?

Speaker 1 Or pizza? Yeah. Yeah.
Someone's craving Froyo in your house with Sprinkles. There's something for everybody at DoorDash.
They connect you with the restaurants you love right now, right to your door.

Speaker 1 And it is safe and contactless so they can drop off of your front door without you even seeing the human that did it.

Speaker 1 With over 300,000 partners in the U.S., Puerto Rico, Canada, and Australia, you can support your neighborhood go-to's or choose from your favorite national restaurants like Popeyes, Chipotle, and Cheesecake Factory.

Speaker 1 Look, all this stuff aside, Bob and I use this app because we love this app. And if you get food delivered, why wouldn't you use it and try it?

Speaker 1 For a limited time, our listeners get 25% off and zero delivery fees on their first order of $15 or more more when you download the DoorDash app and enter the code Bad Friends 2021.

Speaker 1 That's 25% off up to a $10 value and zero delivery fees on your first order when you download the DoorDash app in the App Store and enter the code Bad Friends. Bad Friends 2021.

Speaker 1 Don't forget, Bob, that's... Bad Friends 2021.
For 25% off your first order with DoorDash, subject to change terms apply. Blue Chew.
Oh my God, I'm getting old. You know.
Yeah. And my PP don't work.

Speaker 1 Not as much as it used to. But you know what? It's working now.
I'll tell you why. Because of Blue Chew.

Speaker 1 I've been using using it and it works it has the same active ingredients as viagra and sialis but in chewable tablets and at a fraction of the cost you can take them anytime day or night plan ahead be ready whenever the opportunity arises the process is simple sign up at bluechew.com consult with one of their licensed medical providers once you're approved you're going to receive a prescription within days to get your pee peehod blue chew tablets are made in the usa We love the USA because we're Americans.

Speaker 1 They're prepared and shipped direct to your door in a discrete package. Yeah.
And by the way, we've both used them. They definitely work.

Speaker 1 It gets you up and ready to go. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Fall is coming and you need a stiff breeze. You could use some Blue Chew.
You know it. We know it.
If you could benefit from some extra confidence times to perform, Blue Chew can help.

Speaker 1 We've got a special deal for our listeners. Try Blue Chew for free when you use the promo code BADFRIENDS at checkout.
Just pay $5 for shipping.

Speaker 1 That's Blue Chew.com, promo code BADFRIENDS to receive your first month free. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information.
And we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast.

Speaker 1 You know Mike Rosenbaum? No.

Speaker 1 You ever see Smallville? Small Lutheran. You ever see Smallville?

Speaker 1 You talking about the Superman movie? Yeah, I mean, the TV show.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I don't know. Oh, he played Lex Luth though.
Here, we'll. Oh, okay, yeah, the ball.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 By the way, you and Kirk Fox are making a great, great, great showing in Reservation Dogs. You saw it? Yeah, and I saw Burrs in there, too.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That dude, that show, I told you, that show I watched before I knew you were in it. I forgot that that was the name of the show that you you did with Taco.
Oh, really? That's him. That's him bald.

Speaker 1 So Rosie came, and who else came? Oh, you know who else?

Speaker 1 Huh? David Jo? Oh, David Cho came. Who else came? Gina Gio Gina came.
Gina Gershon.

Speaker 1 Who else came?

Speaker 1 Brandon Dermer. Derm, my boy, my boy.
My boy. My boy.
Dermer, your boy. Love.
Yeah, who else? And then a few other

Speaker 1 close nicks.

Speaker 1 Gene came. Magnum P.I.
Who I love. I love that guy.
Don't know why I know him, but I love that. I asked him to write us out an episode.
Willie? Yeah. Please.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, by the way, for those that want to know. It was Kalila, hold on.
It was divided into an Asian table and a non-Asian table. I'm so fucking sick of this, you guys, vacationing Hawaii thing.

Speaker 1 I'm tired of it. Why? Because I'm jealous.
I don't get a fucking vacation. You can

Speaker 1 go buy a ticket. Tell me when I have time.

Speaker 1 We find the time for shit like that. No, you ruin other stuff and you make time for it.
What?

Speaker 1 Can you tell? It was a different energy tonight. I love steroids.
I know.

Speaker 1 Somebody photoshopped

Speaker 1 yeah yeah yeah yeah so um

Speaker 1 yeah but you you here's the thing

Speaker 1 i don't do the road because right you don't need the money i want to do i love stand-up exactly my point is is that stand-up's okay i like it oh i'm in love with it i know i like it but it's like i'd rather go to hawaii Nah, fuck that.

Speaker 1 So that's what we choose.

Speaker 1 I'd rather go to Hawaii and take a vacation, but right now we can tour for a year and a half. So I want to tour.
I want to go do standout. Okay.
That's your business.

Speaker 1 Do you want a little break in between there? Get a little pleasure up in there? No.

Speaker 1 Have you been to Hawaii?

Speaker 1 I do. Have you been to Hawaii? I ain't even been out the country.

Speaker 1 Well, you went to Mexico.

Speaker 1 That's another. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I'm from different countries.

Speaker 1 I'm going to count our country.

Speaker 1 He doesn't need to know.

Speaker 1 Is that colonization?

Speaker 1 Kind of.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I mean, here's what we do. Like Costa Rica,

Speaker 1 Costa Rica is insane. We went down there.
Yeah. and they were like, hey, we can't afford to have an army.

Speaker 1 And we were like, all right, you can use our army, but then we're going to get to do whatever we want.

Speaker 1 And Costa Rica was like, okay. Yeah, that's a fair exchange.
Well, then we get to help them against the other, you know, against like Panama and all these other places that want to fucking kill them.

Speaker 1 But we did that because we wanted the Panama Canal. We wanted more access to the Panama Canal.
Right. And also

Speaker 1 we probably have a huge military base there, right? In Costa Rica. In Costa Rica? Yeah.
I wouldn't say, I mean, I can't talk about size, but I know that our presence is there.

Speaker 1 Like, our soldiers soldiers are there.

Speaker 1 There's not three guys with like handguns. It's so funny.
We have an army.

Speaker 1 Just three guys

Speaker 1 on the beach. A couple of guys who use a round of store.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But there's one. That's a turtle, John.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yeah.
Well, look at this. For the last time, the U.S.
does not have an army base in Costa Rica. Look at that.
It says we don't have a base. Wow.
Yeah. I mean, so, Doc, since we last saw you,

Speaker 1 active soldiers there, but no. When we last saw you, have you been fucking or what? To the embassy.
What is wrong with you?

Speaker 1 Fucking, this guy is.

Speaker 1 What have you been up to? Since we saw you. I just saw you.
What have you been doing? I've just been chilling, working, working, doing a few shows. You know what I'm saying? And that's it.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Ain't nothing. Are you depressed or happy? I'm happy for the most part.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Are you fucking? Nah, I'm chilling. Are you dating? No.
Are you on dating sites? I'm just chilling. What's going on?

Speaker 1 I think like

Speaker 1 you're saying it like you're hiding something from us. Are you in a relationship and we don't know? Nah.

Speaker 1 Be real with me then. Be straight up because you know I am.
Straight up. Straight up.
Right now I'm chilling. Because you don't want to fuck with anybody.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just let me let me ask you another question, all right? Good for you. You and I are about the same height.
We agree I was taller, he was he was he was an inch taller than you.

Speaker 1 No, I wasn't. You're 5'1, he's 5'4.
Oh, that's right. Yeah, so I'm taller.
Doc, well, how are you 5'1? 5'3. 5'3, you're 5'4.
We're both 5'3 ⁇ . So we're the same size.
But.

Speaker 1 Oh, you're well, not the same size. I mean, because you know that stereotype, right?

Speaker 1 That black.

Speaker 1 What is it? Our big.

Speaker 1 Okay. But do you think you and I...
Wait, what's the stereotype? The blacks.

Speaker 1 What is that? The The black dick. Their pants are better? Their pants are better.
What are you pointing at?

Speaker 1 They're pointing at this pee-pee.

Speaker 1 I don't know what it is. Well, you know what a dick is, bro.
I don't know what the stereotype is. That they're bigger?

Speaker 1 That they're bigger brains? They have bigger brains. No,

Speaker 1 the genitals are bigger. Like their testicles?

Speaker 1 Both.

Speaker 1 Maybe. Okay.

Speaker 1 I've never heard it. Never heard it.
Okay.

Speaker 1 But, like, because you're so small, right? And we sat, if we were naked side by side to each other, right?

Speaker 1 We're about to go down on this pair of money. No, we're not.
Okay, We're not going down a gay path. Let's listen.

Speaker 1 We're not going down. You and I.

Speaker 1 Let me just paint out a scenario. Okay.

Speaker 1 An alien race.

Speaker 1 They kind of look like Koreans. Exactly.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So, and they're like, you know,

Speaker 1 let's capture a couple specimens. I've got two of them, boss.
Right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, I got two of them, right? One of them's black and white. And so now you and I, yeah, now you and I are both like in a, you know, a futuristic cyber fight cage.
A probing cage.

Speaker 1 Probing cage. Probing cage.
Or we're completely naked. Of course.

Speaker 1 And we're strapped down on the bench, right? Both of us. No, but we're kind of upright and it's like these metal slabs, right?

Speaker 1 It's really cold. Sounds more like a fantasy to you.

Speaker 1 Yeah, this is going on. Metal slabs completely naked, right?

Speaker 1 Arms and legs strapped in. We're strapped in like this.

Speaker 1 You know, at first we look at each other, what the fuck is we would look at each other, right? That's real. And for some reason, you have an erection.
Why, Doc?

Speaker 1 Why do you have an erection in this situation? Maybe because

Speaker 1 I'm thinking about Space Pussy. I want to date it in the middle of the day.
Oh, right.

Speaker 1 Space pussy. That's a good one.
Truest thing I've ever heard. Truest thing I've ever heard.
You see some space pussy go by. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Now,

Speaker 1 so then we're like this, and we're on slabs, right? We're tired, right? And you can't get hard. I can't get hard.
It's tough. It's hard.
It's hard. It's difficult.
Well, it's not hard.

Speaker 1 Now, why is that? I'm getting older. Okay.
Yeah. Okay, I'll take you.
But maybe with you.

Speaker 1 You think if you looked over at his penis hard, you would get harder. I think if his penis was hard, you would get hard.
I'd just be like, oh, why is he excited? I'm excited. Yeah.

Speaker 1 You don't want to be left. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It would go down quick.

Speaker 1 Yeah, like, motivation, Judas. Okay.
Doug, hard hour.

Speaker 1 Okay. Right? So we're both hard.
I see it now. Right.
And the aliens are like, why are they hard? Well, they don't know what it is. What? They wouldn't know what that is.

Speaker 1 They wouldn't know what genitals are. No, no, no.
They wouldn't understand why it rose. I'm sure they did.
No. They could travel 35,000 light years and they don't know what that is.

Speaker 1 Then why are they examining you naked? They want to compare the penis sizes.

Speaker 1 I think they just want to suck us. Maybe.
You think so? Yeah. Yeah.
So which ones, so the aliens, which one do you want to suck off first?

Speaker 1 Right? Well, the smaller one seems more palatable. Yeah, yeah.
But now, would

Speaker 1 we have the same size? We would have the same size.

Speaker 1 Or do you think yours would be bigger? Mine would be bigger. All right.

Speaker 1 So confident. So confident.
I don't know. So very fat.

Speaker 1 I don't even like it. Yeah, yeah.
Okay, I doubt it. I'm not a goddamn sloger, but I'm all right.
You're all right. Yeah, you're all right.
Right.

Speaker 1 Like between you and, you know, what's the guy from Different Strokes? Gary Coleman. Gary Coleman, the black.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Now, are you guys the same type of blacks?

Speaker 1 The same type of blacks? Hey, man, this is just. I don't know what that was, right? You, Emmanuel.
Who you been? Emmanuel Lewis and Lewis. Emmanuel Lewis, yeah.
Emmanuel Lewis.

Speaker 1 Me and Emmanuel Lewis and Gary Coleman. Are you guys the same type of blacks? I mean, I don't think.

Speaker 1 I don't know how to take that. I feel so bad saying it.
Yeah, you should. But I know, but what I'm saying, like, you know,

Speaker 1 there's only like four of you. You, Spud Webb.

Speaker 1 I know there's multi-boats. Yeah, maybe kids.

Speaker 1 The kids, right? Maybe like a 12-year-old kid,

Speaker 1 right? Is your size.

Speaker 1 No, no, we're talking about grown men. We're grown men yet.

Speaker 1 So when it comes to grown men, right? It's you. You.
Muggsy Bogs. Mugsy Bogs.
Spud Webb. Spud Webb.
Emmanuel Lewis. And Gary Coleman.
And Kevin Hart. And Kevin Hart is one of them, too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Kevin Hart is small.
He's small, yeah. He's taller than me, but anyway.
How do you know? How tall is Kevin Hart?

Speaker 1 He's about five. He's not.

Speaker 1 He's not. I've shot a movie with him.
I shot a movie with him, and he's not. He's not tall.
I'm taller than him. Between 5'2 ⁇ and 5'4 ⁇ .
Yeah, I'm taller taller than him. He's your height.

Speaker 1 He's your type. Okay.

Speaker 1 I don't know what that means.

Speaker 1 Who is that racist? I don't know. You're like, I'm not being racist.
Yeah. You're not being racist.
That's in your heart.

Speaker 1 Don't look at me. Yeah, yeah.
Separate. Ask, stop if you're being racist.
Am I being racist? Yeah, yeah. How is that racism and sizes? That's how you are.
Sizism. It's not racism.
Stop. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You said, are you the same type of black? Yeah, small black people. Well,

Speaker 1 that's.

Speaker 1 That's not racism. No, no, no.
But then you would just say, are you all the same size? Are you a dwarf or a little person? Is that what you're saying? No, that's not. No, I wouldn't.

Speaker 1 Well, first of all, let me say something, right? What are you saying, bro? Number one, I know you're not a dwarf or a little person,

Speaker 1 right? Because I couldn't go there with you

Speaker 1 the way I'm talking now. That's true.
What do you mean? That's true. Like, I wouldn't be able to say these things, I don't think.

Speaker 1 I mean, Brad Williams is talking to me. I probably wouldn't.

Speaker 1 You would have called me right. So what I'm saying is that you're a full-grown, right? You're full-grown, right?

Speaker 1 You're a full-grown man.

Speaker 1 You're full grown.

Speaker 1 You're not going to grow out longer? Yeah, no. Okay, so off.

Speaker 1 Right. All right.

Speaker 1 Ask him the same question, Peter.

Speaker 1 That's not fair. Why? Are you full grown? Yep.

Speaker 1 I'm not, maybe.

Speaker 1 Okay. And I'm not offended by the fucking.
You're the smallest one I've seen. I'm the smallest.
What?

Speaker 1 Say it. I'm the smallest one.
Say it. Little yellow bellies.
What are you calling?

Speaker 1 You just call me up. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 1 What are you calling me?

Speaker 1 Stush, stop, stop, stop.

Speaker 1 Whoa, dude. Yellow bellies.
Yellow bellies. Wow.
I'm sorry. All right, I don't know.

Speaker 1 Everyone listening to that right now, right?

Speaker 1 Now, what do you think of Doc? Right?

Speaker 1 Do you know, my friend?

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 You made him do that. All right, so my point is that I wasn't making, I was, first of all, going down a comedy path.
I saw. You saw the comedy path, right? I got it.

Speaker 1 And then the path got, you know, there was stuff in it, obstacles,

Speaker 1 and I went around them.

Speaker 1 Landmines. You get landmines, right?

Speaker 1 I feel like I got to the other side unscathed. You did.
You did okay. Although the yellow belly stuff is going to stick out.
This episode is going to be called Yellow Belly.

Speaker 1 I was vibing all the time. Yes, he was vibing.

Speaker 1 Come on Belly again. I want to keep it.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much. You do correct all your goals.

Speaker 1 Hey, what I'm saying. Why did you say bastard?

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. I'm just saying, listen, okay?

Speaker 1 I just want to know. I want to fucking know.
If you're at the comedy store, right? Yeah. And you see Emmanuel Lewis.
Right. He's dead.

Speaker 1 No, I mean, Emmanuel's still alive. Gary Coleman's dead.
Oh, right. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And you guys eye each other. You might not even say hi, but there's a connection.

Speaker 1 Do you guys go, what's up? He's another one. Like another one.
You know, you cut on. That's how you do it from the hood.

Speaker 1 No, not just what you do to another blind guy. He's asking if you get a dick.
If you have a

Speaker 1 little dude.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, a little dude.
The little black dude connection.

Speaker 1 Is that a thing?

Speaker 1 Like an anti-company. Some like magical, like, dance, you know, very fucking.
Do you think they have a secret handshake or some shit? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 No, that ain't even crazy.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Maybe they're like a different.

Speaker 1 Maybe they could be aliens.

Speaker 1 Tiny black men?

Speaker 1 I mean, think about it. Well, you remember the Zimbabwe incident with the UFO situation.
Tell me. You didn't see the on Phenomena? No, what? I don't know if this is what's in the city.

Speaker 1 So in Africa, these kids at school were visited by these black aliens, and they were little, and a couple of them were chubby. Now, this is real talk.
Hold on, let him, let him finish.

Speaker 1 I want to hear it. Yeah, Google it.
School kids who said they saw aliens. Even I'd have had it on Joe Rogan talking about it.
You know what I'm saying? This is real talk. Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Speaker 1 In 1994, 60 children at the aerial school in Rua Zimbabwe said they seen a UFO and aliens with big eyes in bush land near their playground. The story was reported around the world.
Wow. Okay.

Speaker 1 And you said black aliens. Yeah, they're black.
So stop. That's what they claim.
That's what they said. So number one, Ryan.
They said that, but in the middle of the night, how do they see him?

Speaker 1 It went in the night. It was during the day.
Oh, it had to. Yeah.
Also, Andrew, this is a story you and I aren't privy to, right? What do you mean? But we didn't know about this, though.

Speaker 1 Did you just know about it? Of course not. But he does.
Why? Oh, that is interesting. Right?

Speaker 1 I think something that you know something about, and you absorb it, you throw it out casually like that. Uh-huh.
There's a connection. So what do you know?

Speaker 1 Where are you from? Where are you from? I'm from here. What are you guys?

Speaker 1 Oh, what planet are you from, dude? I am from. They don't like that word, Pete, the P-R.

Speaker 1 What star are you located? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. He's wearing a fucking NASA shirt.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, is that not a dead giveaway?

Speaker 1 I love Earth. I love Earth.

Speaker 1 You fucking foreign.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Yeah, yeah. I'm scooting over.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Don't be scared.

Speaker 1 That's what they say. Don't be scared.
Don't be scared. Yeah, yeah.
Don't be scared. That's what they teach them.
In space, what do you travel through?

Speaker 1 Wormhole. Black hole.

Speaker 1 It might be a little bit more.

Speaker 1 You travel through black holes.

Speaker 1 There's a black hole on this fucking shit.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. Bro, you're.

Speaker 1 Where are you from?

Speaker 1 Where are you from?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Oh, my.
You think you know me? You don't know me. You understand what I'm saying? Yeah.

Speaker 1 I could see 80 years ago, right? Yeah. Five of them.
Of him? Kevin, him, Emmanuel, Gary, right? That's for the aliens? No, they went. They were them.
No, yeah. They went, let's go to Hollywood.

Speaker 1 So they landed in Zimbabwe. Yeah, and they're like, we'll become actors.
You become a comedian. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 That's perfect. Oh, no, Kevin.
Kevin's a comedian. Yeah.
Two of us will be actors.

Speaker 1 One basketball. You play basketball.

Speaker 1 Cat Williams. He's short, too.
He's not. Cat Williams.
Cat Williams. He'll do crack.

Speaker 1 Yeah, he'll do crack. Easy, fellas.
Yeah, so awesome. Wait, wait, is that not a real story?

Speaker 1 Didn't he he do crack and punch someone in a grocery store? No, no, nothing about that.

Speaker 1 Do you see what he did? He protected. They protect each other.
He protected Cat Will. He didn't do crack.
He never said he did crack.

Speaker 1 He didn't smoke crack in the grocery store and punch someone in the face. Cat Williams opens up about drug-enhancing the creativity of

Speaker 1 comedian Phase on Love says Cat Williams is on crack. That's Phase On Love.
That's why I love Phase on Love.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 all right, so

Speaker 1 you're denying it. Denying what? Where you're from.
Yeah, of course. Oh, what do you mean? You're from.
I've told you where I'm from. Okay.
I don't know, but. I don't buy it.

Speaker 1 I think you came down in Zimbabwe. Yeah.
You and the others. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think so, too. This is going to be called the most racist podcast of all time.
No, but are you?

Speaker 1 I don't think so. No.
There's three of us.

Speaker 1 You got one of me, one of you, and one of him. Yeah, yeah.
We should be okay. We're fine.
Are you offended? No, for what? Wait, because we're broke.

Speaker 1 No, here's the thing. Of course not.
I always equate it to like

Speaker 1 back in the day when you had a harbor city or a town, right? And you'd had people from different lands, you know what I mean? In a port somewhere, right?

Speaker 1 And the way they would bond with each other is they would call each other's nicknames and make fun of each other's accents and rib on each other.

Speaker 1 Then they all go to the bar or whatever, have a drink, right? And that's how human beings connected, right?

Speaker 1 And it's like they're trying to take all that away.

Speaker 1 Well, here's the thing. We're always going to do it with people that you love.
Yeah. You just can't do it to people you don't know anymore.
Exactly.

Speaker 1 So that was the difference. You were hard to do it

Speaker 1 Of course.

Speaker 1 Of course.

Speaker 1 You know.

Speaker 1 Coinbase. Hey, if you identify as crypto curious and you've thought about entering the world of cryptocurrency and felt a little bit overwhelmed, trust me, you're not alone.

Speaker 1 Coinbase makes learning to buy and sell very simple.

Speaker 1 Cryptocurrency might feel like a secret or exclusive club, but Coinbase believes that everyone, I mean everyone everywhere, should be able to get in the door.

Speaker 1 Whether you've been trading for years or just getting started, Coinbase can help. It sure can.
I use Coinbase. I am into crypto.

Speaker 1 If you've been following the cryptocurrency craze, you know it's time to start getting involved. Coinbase makes it quick and easy to start your own portfolio and learn to trade like a pro.

Speaker 1 Everybody is doing it. You should do it.
There's some good money to be made, man, if you're smart about it.

Speaker 1 It's legit. Finally, after all these years, people were nervous.
It's going to help your financial portfolio. It's always good to diversify.
Why not try to use Coinbase?

Speaker 1 They offer a trusted and easy-to-use platform to sell, buy cryptocurrency, portfolio management, protection, learning resources, a mobile app.

Speaker 1 You can trade securely and monitor your crypto from one place. Millions of people and over 100 countries trust Coinbase with their digital assets.

Speaker 1 So for a limited time, new users can get $5 in free Bitcoin when you sign up today at coinbase.com slash bad friends. Sign up at coinbase.com slash bad friends.
This is $5 in free Bitcoin.

Speaker 1 This offer is for a limited time only. So be sure to sign up today.
That's coinbase.com slash bad friends. Express VPN.
Oh, I love VPNs, Andrew, right? I can watch stuff all over the world now.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you can.

Speaker 1 I know that none of you guys watch porn. In case you have any friends that do, you want to pay attention to this porn freaks.

Speaker 1 With everything going on in the world, governments have increased their surveillance using their devices to track your location movements in many countries.

Speaker 1 Your internet activity, you don't want to be caught with your pants down. One of the best ways is to keep your online browsing activity private by using Express VPN.

Speaker 1 When you use Express VPN, your internet connection is rerouted through a secure, encrypted server so you can surf the web anonymously without anyone looking over your shoulder.

Speaker 1 You did this when you were in Hungary, right? When you were overseas, you were watching. I did VPNs.
VPN. Because I was able to watch

Speaker 1 from my streaming devices because it's blocked, but when I use VPN, I can watch anything I've got. Got them.

Speaker 1 Even when you use incognito mode, your internet provider can see every single website that you visit. You guys already know that.

Speaker 1 And if you live on campus, if you're in Coolidge and you shared Wi-Fi, of a network, the admin can see that too. To be honest, it's a little kind of sketchy.
You're leaving yourself wide open.

Speaker 1 That's why we use Express VPN whenever we go online. We recommend it to everyone.
You should do the same.

Speaker 1 Without Express VPN, you're giving people free license and access to peek over your shoulder and see the freaky stuff that you're looking at.

Speaker 1 Or not freaky stuff, but you don't want other people to see your stuff.

Speaker 1 Protect your privacy. Yeah.
Go ahead. So protect your privacy today and get three months of ExpressVPN for free.
Visit expressvpn.com slash bad friends.

Speaker 1 That's E-X-P-R-E-S-S-V-P-N.com slash bad friends for three months free with a one-year package. Visit expressvpn.com/slash bad friends to learn more.
Yo, you have a weird, like a cool confidence now.

Speaker 1 What do you you mean? Just offstage. I've been observing you.
What are you talking about?

Speaker 1 They're just a thing where it's like you walk into a room or a hall, the hallway or you're walking down, and just your voice and the way you walk and stuff, which is

Speaker 1 Archie, you know what I mean? Archie, yeah. And just slinging, you know what I mean? And people kind of moving out of your way.
Yeah, yeah, not being real. That's not real.

Speaker 1 I've been observing you for real, dude. And I'm like, huh.
But it's not done out of swire. It's not auto.
You're not being cocky. It's just you.

Speaker 1 I think you've gotten to the next level or something, and you demand a certain amount. And I'm the same way.
Sure. A respect.
But there's something like a, you know,

Speaker 1 like a rat pack flare. Okay, I'll take it.
Right, right. But don't say deed, not demand, command.

Speaker 1 No, it's the more demand. No, I think I command something.
I have a commanding presence. So do you.

Speaker 1 But it was never always, it was never like that with you. Sure, because I was probably more sad before.
Yeah, before you were like crunchy. Yeah.
And you would come in, hey guys.

Speaker 1 Just being in the grind, I think sometimes the grind got to me.

Speaker 1 And then now, I think what he's saying, truthfully, and I mean this, I've found that post-pandemic, I've found the rhythm I need to do comedy in. When I used to be like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

Speaker 1 And now I'm like, dude, I can do less shows and work out better material in less time if I work harder at the times that I have. Okay.

Speaker 1 Instead of doing three shows a night and two of them are fucking mediocre because my effort level is low. Right.

Speaker 1 because I'm tired, I'm hungry, I didn't eat dinner, we came from this, like, or whatever. I think that changed my mentality.
Yeah, that's probably

Speaker 1 that switch right there. Yeah, it probably did because I feel more like I need to focus on making it good while I'm there.
Instead of, it used to be how many sets can you do?

Speaker 1 You know, I mean, back, dude, you know, too. Five years ago, it was when it was fucking chaos at the store.
Yeah, how many times can I get up? It was like, how many times a week can I get up?

Speaker 1 It was like a competition. Everyone's like, to get on.
You're there. Yeah, you're there.
You're there. You're there.
You're there. You're there.
Two shows. Main room now there.
Then I'm factory.

Speaker 1 Then then an improvid. I think I was burning out, I was fucking just burning out.
Yeah, I think that what the pandemic did for me was when I'm on stage now, I don't care as much about the reception

Speaker 1 that's huge. It's for me, it is because it's like I used to need a kill at every moment, right? And I could see myself not doing as well and still being okay.

Speaker 1 Like, we should all take a note from Norm McDonald. When you watch his stuff,

Speaker 1 like even his, even his,

Speaker 1 what's the presidential speech, you know, where you do the correspondence dinner, correspondence dinner.

Speaker 1 I said it. There we go.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 no, but even when you watch that correspondence dinner, his first joke is, I didn't want to come up here and bomb in front of the president. And it's like smattering of laughter.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And he goes,

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 But he liked the idea. I'm not that guy.
You're not that guy. Yeah, yeah.
But like, we should all take a little note.

Speaker 1 from him when you do watch his stuff that you're like oh yeah he was comfortable just fucking around oh yeah he was just fucking around. I saw someone

Speaker 1 like that. Yeah, but Dave, Dave,

Speaker 1 Dave was always kind of prophetic. Like, he wanted to be like, what I'm saying is profound.
Oh, yeah. Where Norm was like, this is fucking dumb.

Speaker 1 And he let you sit with how dumb something was that he said. I think it was just.
Dave, I think, thinks his words, and I'm not shitting on him. I think he wants his words to be powerful.

Speaker 1 I think Norm wants to make you just.

Speaker 1 It's more.

Speaker 1 God, I wish I knew how to.

Speaker 1 It's just more like uh i know what you're saying it's more it's more like little tiny like no no he's doing it above you almost yes right but he's letting you get there right but he also doesn't like i can i've seen norm perform where you're in the audience and there are like people that just don't get it they don't get it right and i'm like i look over and i'm like you know how do you not get that but because you forget that sometimes joke structure is so familiar to comedians but not to audience members that you know he's doing it because he knows they don't get it did you see Norm on the View when he was promoting his

Speaker 1 when he talks about Bill Clinton the murderer? Yeah, the murderer. It's the funniest thing on earth.
But what if you like, I rewatched it after his passing, right? And it's a guy sticking to his guns.

Speaker 1 Oh, he doesn't bother. Not tendering to the liberal side of things.
Dude, this is the second time you've gone nationalistic, and I love it.

Speaker 1 Why, why? Because you're going full repub on this show. I'm not.
You're going repub on this show.

Speaker 1 He is, bro. Hilarious.

Speaker 1 You know what? You know what he said the other other day?

Speaker 1 He goes, welfare is bullshit. No, I never said that.
I never said it. I never said that.

Speaker 1 On the phone to me, he goes, dude, EDD is a joke.

Speaker 1 I think government serves its purpose, right? And I like programs for the, you know. Do you want your government big or small? I like it big.

Speaker 1 You like interactive government? But for me, because of cancel culture, right? It's driven me toward the center. I know.
We talked about this last night. I know, so I've already said that before.

Speaker 1 But you know what? You should be able to be however you want to be. This is who I am.
I don't give a fuck. My point is that.
And Norm was like that too.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and when I was rewatching that, I was like, you know, I don't really even agree with what he did. Norm? Yeah, on the thing.
It's not like me going, because, you know, it's like, you know,

Speaker 1 he was saying Bill Clinton was a murderer. Yeah, and it's also, it's like he's.
But

Speaker 1 they're all presidents are murderers.

Speaker 1 But Bill is. Yeah, but all presidents are murderers.
No, I know. Okay, so

Speaker 1 Bill Clinton did go to Epstein's Island 26 times. Anyway, 26.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 it's not like I believe in the politics of what he's saying.

Speaker 1 I get it. So what I'm saying is that he's a guy.

Speaker 1 Because if I was in there in that situation, I would have read the room and switched so that everyone would love me. You would have pushed out.
Yeah, and he didn't do that, and I honor that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because they were like, you're not going to be on the show anymore. He goes, ha.
I just don't want a president that's a murder.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, it's amazing. It's great.
It's great, yeah. But you know what? That's a special type of guy.

Speaker 1 Like, there was only, there's only fucking one in a million people that are like that in comedy. And it's not like, who's the funniest? I don't like when somebody goes, funniest guy to ever live.

Speaker 1 It's like, that's not a real statement. That's not a real statement.
Stupid fuck. I hate when people say that.

Speaker 1 Norm was great at what he did. He was phenomenal.
He was his own thing. That's why he was so good.
Yeah. I'm going to also say something where I've grown in terms of comedy.
It's like

Speaker 1 the guy that kills the most at a club isn't necessarily the funniest guy. Of course not.
Sometimes the guy that doesn't do as well, right? But

Speaker 1 their approach to certain topics or angles

Speaker 1 and point of views is original. And something about their persona, right, is like unique that not everyone's going to get, right? But is extremely inventive and innovative.
Like Dura. Dura comic.

Speaker 1 That's a great example. Not at all.
No? No, I'm kidding. Yeah.
Draw.

Speaker 1 Yeah, because

Speaker 1 I'll tell you who that is now. Brian Simpson.
Oh, Brian Simpson. Yeah, he's fucking

Speaker 1 Right now,

Speaker 1 I don't know if I've watched a funnier developmental mind in terms of like he knows his voice. I'm not saying if I'm saying what he's forming right now.
Yeah, it's dude, he's yeah, Brian is there.

Speaker 1 He's got phenomenal.

Speaker 1 I think he's one of the best comics out right now, by far. Yeah, Brian's great.

Speaker 1 Look, fuck this.

Speaker 1 Yeah, Gerard is. Oh, you don't want to talk about comics anymore? Yeah, so.

Speaker 1 All right, let's cut all that.

Speaker 1 Wait, I want to get back to something real. What's that? that? I want to be serious.
All right.

Speaker 1 Be real. You're taking.
Are you taking a break from seeing people, seeing, because you want to focus on life? Or did something happen?

Speaker 1 You know, when my mom passed away, that was one of the things she told me. She said, you got to stop dealing with all these women and just focus.

Speaker 1 Why are you laughing?

Speaker 1 He talked about his mom dying in your fucking mind.

Speaker 1 She never said that. Yes, she did.

Speaker 1 On her dying death, on her deathbed. There's no way she said that.

Speaker 1 She was like,

Speaker 1 Yeah, come on.

Speaker 1 She was dying.

Speaker 1 Not when she was dying. It was before that.
It was like a bunch of people. You need to stop focusing on all this pussy.

Speaker 1 Get yourself in some way. Now, I don't say I'm totally focused, but I'm saying, like, I'm not,

Speaker 1 I'm not, I don't have a consistent girlfriend. You know what I'm saying? Doc, doc.

Speaker 1 Doc, doc.

Speaker 1 You're going to make me.

Speaker 1 blow out an artery. I'm going to laugh so hard, all right? No, I don't know why.
No, thanks, Doc, Doc.

Speaker 1 You're going to make me have a fucking stroke, right?

Speaker 1 Will you stop this line of things that you're saying? Stop right now at your tracks.

Speaker 1 You're going down the stroke, bro. And it's going to make me laugh so hard.
You didn't laugh because I don't care.

Speaker 1 No, no, no. I'm not fighting with you.
I'm my friend. But

Speaker 1 it's absurd. What's up?

Speaker 1 This is the most ridiculous. Bobby, his mom died.
I know. I gave him a piece of advice.
Sorry.

Speaker 1 So,

Speaker 1 what did your mom say? She told me that I need to focus and stop thinking about these women and messing with these women and just do the comedy and work on it.

Speaker 1 She said that when my time comes, she'll come and I'll meet the one. But I have to stop.
Well, number one, like, because I used to like messing with a lot of guys' girls, right?

Speaker 1 Oh, so you would purposely go after dudes, the girls that had boys? Yeah, because you ain't have to, you know, pay for the dinners and dates and stuff. So you just fuck, right?

Speaker 1 So my mom was just like.

Speaker 1 Wait, wait, stop. Did you do this a lot? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Here's what I'm talking about

Speaker 1 fucking stop

Speaker 1 our girls

Speaker 1 straw stop This is not true. Well, I hope you have a stroke then go ahead

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. Did you and the Zimbabwe alien crew fuck our girls? Yeah, no, we didn't okay good

Speaker 1 Wait a minute. So you would find out you would find out

Speaker 1 you'd wait wait you'd find out that they would have a boyfriend and then you'd move in. So like the last woman that I that I talked to her about in that situation,

Speaker 1 I was just talking to her, and it was a woman, and I found out that another guy liked her, and she was dating this guy. So, I always told my mother, I was like, you know what?

Speaker 1 I'm going to go ahead and take her from him. And then she goes, Don't you do that shit? I'm sick of you doing that shit.
And I go, what? And I go, What do you mean? Sick of doing what?

Speaker 1 She said, You've been doing this shit all the time. You always taking people's girls.
Stop doing that. And I said, No, I'm not.
Maybe you're right. And then she said,

Speaker 1 And she said, and then I was like, Well, I said, Well, that's not true. She said, Please, you've been doing that since I've known you.
That's all you do. She said, so stop doing that.

Speaker 1 She said, for now on, I want you to find your own girl. Like, just get

Speaker 1 your wise. It's pretty valid.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, she's right. And then

Speaker 1 it's very, you can put yourself that way. Have you ever gotten in trouble with the boyfriend? Did you ever get caught?

Speaker 1 Nah, because I was like one of those dudes that was satisfied with, you want to fuck?

Speaker 1 And then getting that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then you go back to him. Let's go.

Speaker 1 You're like that meme I see. You're like a guy climbing out out the window with his pants.
No, I never had that sit. Where is he? I never had a side.

Speaker 1 They just

Speaker 1 hit the hill. No.
All right.

Speaker 1 He doesn't get high. You don't get high?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Why did you ask him that? I get a little vino, though, though, Bobby. I get that barefoot and that sitter home.
Yeah, you don't like that sitter? No. Okay.

Speaker 1 Wait, also, Doc,

Speaker 1 no dating sites. No, I don't fuck with dating sites.
Then how do you meet these? No, no, no. How do you meet these? I did.
I did. He did now.
I did. Can we start a profile from this show for you?

Speaker 1 Can we?

Speaker 1 Can we create a Tinder profile for you? Nah. Please.
Please. Do you have a Tinder? Nah.

Speaker 1 We're going to do it right now. That's what I'm saying.
The boys are going to do it. There's going to be women all over the place.
No, no, no. It's you.

Speaker 1 We're going to create a profile with you, right? And your profile picture. I'm not.

Speaker 1 Let me help you out. We're going to make Andreas run it.

Speaker 1 Like, I don't have a problem with getting women. That's not what you're doing.
We're not you. You're insane.

Speaker 1 What the fuck is yours? I don't need Chuck Willery.

Speaker 1 I'm going to need that. You're going to need that.

Speaker 1 Chuck Willery.

Speaker 1 Let's just stop for a second, okay?

Speaker 1 Listen, we want you on this podcast. Yeah.
You know, to fill in for Jules when she's gone. I think we might just replace Chuck.
I know. You're like the second.
You're our set.

Speaker 1 You're on the team. Yes.
You're on the team, right? And you're on the bench, but we're going to sub you in a bunch of times. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Because I think our fans like you. We like you.

Speaker 1 It's a good chemistry. Right.
Right. So I think that it'd be great for a bit,

Speaker 1 right, to create a Tinder profile

Speaker 1 of Doc. See the bait right there.
Well, this is going to get cut out because we're going to do the bit.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? We're doing it. I know we're doing it.
Yeah, you don't even need to tell him.

Speaker 1 And the profile photo is going to be you

Speaker 1 and you and I, you're in the center and we're with you, right?

Speaker 1 I think it'd be great. So good.
It'd be great, right?

Speaker 1 And you're going to get so many fucking.

Speaker 1 But

Speaker 1 we want to record you going on a date with one of these girls because we want you to get a nice girl, too.

Speaker 1 I know you can get girls, but your past has been you getting girls who have boyfriends let's get you a good one no we wear suits and we're his bodyguard but that's not the only love it y'all making like that's not the only thing out there you're like only dudes with you know only you said it you said it yeah but i'm saying though i've it's both but yeah i just used to hook up with a lot of man you guys are uh

Speaker 1 we believe yeah y'all make me into it like i'm this

Speaker 1 let us get you a nice girl We want to get you a nice girl.

Speaker 1 Is there a Christian? Are you a Christian? He is now. You are.

Speaker 1 You believe in Jesus? Yeah, I believe in Jesus. Do you go to church out on Sunday? No, we don't.
I used to. I used to.
Let's go to plentyofish.com. Sign him up for Plenty of Fish.
Plenty of Fish.

Speaker 1 No, let's go to fucking Tinder. No, you said religious.
Let's do a religious subject. But Plenty of Fish is not fucking religious.

Speaker 1 Isn't the fish a reference to fish and God and Jesus? No, no, no, no. What's a Jesus one? Love life.
What is this? Let's go to Tinder, old school. Okay.
We create a Tinder profile.

Speaker 1 Oh, what about Black People Meet? You like Black Girls? Is that the only one you want to date?

Speaker 1 He likes all girls, but let's

Speaker 1 do black people.

Speaker 1 Black people meet,

Speaker 1 whatever. Do you have to be black to be on that side? That's racist.
No. Google, do you have to be black? Why would I need you to help me find a black woman? This is fucking preposterous.

Speaker 1 This is like.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you something.

Speaker 1 What is a fucking list of people?

Speaker 1 This is white and Asian spaining at its best. Okay.

Speaker 1 Do you have to be black to be

Speaker 1 you don't anyone can join regardless of their ethnicity. It's people that want to meet black people.
Right. Right.
All right, so let's get you on there. Why would y'all have to go?

Speaker 1 Sign him up. No, I want.

Speaker 1 I want Tinder because I want him to have white, gay dates, and black, different colors. Gay dates.
Gay dates. Dates.

Speaker 1 No, we don't. No, no, we don't do that.

Speaker 1 We don't do gay dates, bro. Wait, why not? That's not me.
Y'all should know what it is.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. When you go on a gay date, you don't have to fuck them at the end.
That's right. Right? But we can still go on the date, asshole.
No, we don't go on gay dates. No, no, no.
whoa, dude, dude.

Speaker 1 Listen to me right now. Okay.
I don't like your fucking. Well, there's no tone.
There's no goddamn tone.

Speaker 1 Doc.

Speaker 1 If you go on a gay date, spit out your goddamn venom. I'm going to listen to you.
If you go on on a gay date, that doesn't necessarily mean that you're gay. Correct.

Speaker 1 And that doesn't necessarily mean that we have to go, you're going to go fuck the guy after the date. That's right.
We're just going to have dinner. You're going to go on a fucking gay date, man.

Speaker 1 Let's give reasons over why it's a good thing.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 He might pay.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 That's a a good thing. Okay.
It's going to be a nice place.

Speaker 1 Gay guys don't go to fucking shanty shacks. Yeah, yeah.
You're not going to Applebee's. Okay.
You might go to a Michelin restaurant. Yeah.
Oh, well. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay. They valet? They valet for sure.
They're not finding street valet parking. They're valeting in a nice car.
Right. They open your door.
Open your door. Right? They open your door, dude.

Speaker 1 They open your door. Yeah.
I don't need my goddamn door open.

Speaker 1 Oh, goddamn. Dude, dude, let me just say something right now, okay?

Speaker 1 I know when you open the door,

Speaker 1 the jump from the seat to the ground. Oh, dad, it's coming.
You feel good about yourself? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 He does a little fucking step-to-step with his hands. All right,

Speaker 1 so you don't have to hurt your knees. He goes like this.
He goes,

Speaker 1 Come.

Speaker 1 Okay. Glad you all enjoyed it.
We gave you four good points

Speaker 1 over why. And by the end of the, and here's the fifth good point.
At the end of the night, you can say, hey, you know, I had a really good time. I'd like to be dropped up in my house.
And that's that.

Speaker 1 Boom, boom, that's it. No expectations.
No nothing.

Speaker 1 Okay, give me the negatives over why you don't want to go on a gay date. Number one, I'm still not persuaded.
That's dude. That's the date.
Okay, but aside from that,

Speaker 1 give me the reasons why you would not go on a gay date. Because I'm not gay.
So why would I do that?

Speaker 1 No fucking deal. Hey, God, you don't use people like that.
See, y'all two are users.

Speaker 1 You're talking good ass.

Speaker 1 Can I ask you another question?

Speaker 1 We've been on plenty of gay dates.

Speaker 1 If I was an agent, if I was an agent right at UTA or whatever, and I was gay and I wanted to sign you, would you sign with me? Of course.

Speaker 1 What's just his work?

Speaker 1 And he goes, And he goes out to dinner with you. Hey, Doc.

Speaker 1 Doc, I'm a huge fan of your comedy. And I loved you.
I was driving down Pico

Speaker 1 and Western on the corner there. And I had a fucking green light.
And

Speaker 1 I stopped because I had to

Speaker 1 finish that joke. Anyway, I'm going to take you to dinner and see if we want to sign you.
Would you do it? Would you go to that dinner with an agent? With an Asian guy? An agent. Or an Asian guy?

Speaker 1 No, yeah, a gay Asian agent. What's the difference between that? Because you're not going to figure out.
Because you said a date. This is not.
All right. You're just talking about the date.

Speaker 1 What defines a date? A date is a date. But if you're talking about shows, so we'll just call it something else.
Hey, Doc, you're going to just have dinner with a random gay guy. No, we're not.

Speaker 1 No, we're not doing that. That's not.

Speaker 1 It's done. Why?

Speaker 1 Because I think it's like you were playing with the gay guy's livelihood. You know what I'm saying? You should never set a gay guy guy up like that.
Oh,

Speaker 1 that's not good. Because he thinks he's going to get little black person ass,

Speaker 1 right?

Speaker 1 And at the end, you're like, you know what I mean? Later, right? And so I see what you're doing.

Speaker 1 There ain't no spooning.

Speaker 1 I still think you should do it. I think you should do it.
No, I'll tell you.

Speaker 1 Here's the thing. I got three gay uncles and a gay cousin, right? Well, then, have you ever gone to dinner with those guys? Yeah.
No. Yeah, but that's, but you,

Speaker 1 yeah, that's family. Family is family.

Speaker 1 You're talking about hand. How about we just say,

Speaker 1 here's you guys. This is you guys.
You're going to have dinner with this random gay guy. He's your cousin.

Speaker 1 Might want to rub Cox.

Speaker 1 That's what they're doing. We didn't say that.
We're not making a fire here. That's what a date is.
No, it's not. That's what a date is.
Yeah, yeah. That's what a date is.
It leads to rubbing cocks.

Speaker 1 Rubbing cocks. You think that's what gay people do

Speaker 1 to everywhere. They pull your dick out.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'm going to pull my dick out. Get around.

Speaker 1 That's just rubbing together like it's a backstick. But you understand what I'm saying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What are you fucking talking about? That's a good time for those guys.

Speaker 1 But for me, that's not a good time for anybody.

Speaker 1 No one ever does that. Imagine two guys just staring at each other, just rubbing cocks together.
No hands.

Speaker 1 No hands. Just smashing their boners against each other.
And then the mom walks in and she goes, Why'd you learn that? He goes, We were listening to bad friends and we got to the back board.

Speaker 1 Here's the bottom line: you're going on a gay day.

Speaker 1 Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 That ain't going down. Oh, here's what we do.

Speaker 1 We say he's from WME or something. We bait and switch it.
We bait and and switch. It's going to be so easy to do.
So we say, hey, so you're going to have dinner with this agent from WME.

Speaker 1 He's also your cousin.

Speaker 1 It's blood. He has his blood.
So you know, it's an agent and family.

Speaker 1 He just happens to be gay. Would you have that dinner?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Wow. Wow.
See how crisp that was. Huge Hollywood agent.

Speaker 1 I mean, dinner just to have dinner? Yeah. We're an agent.
This is an agent, yeah. All right.
I don't be lying. There we go.
It's a date.

Speaker 1 But if I get there and then he have any googly eyes or some shit like that, he's like, Mommy.

Speaker 1 You know what googly eyes is. Googly eyes is that I want you.
You know what I'm saying, Dad? Yeah, you know, honestly. Explain your perfect date with a woman.
Explain the perfect date with a woman.

Speaker 1 Perfect date with a woman. Because there's some women out there that listen.
There's going to be some women that want Doc.

Speaker 1 So, Doc, explain your perfect date with a woman. I don't know.
I just feel like a perfect date. Five attributes.
How about that? Here's the thing.

Speaker 1 This is what I think a good date, great day with a woman.

Speaker 1 It's not so much as the place or whatever, it's the chemistry that we have when we get out there.

Speaker 1 The way we talk,

Speaker 1 the way we talk, the way we kick it, and everything else is second.

Speaker 1 Like

Speaker 1 wherever you go, it don't matter. Doc, we're going to ask you some questions.
Okay. Here we go.
Here we go. So let's just ask him some questions.
Number one,

Speaker 1 this girl that you're going to date with, how old are you, Doc? 47. 47, right? So

Speaker 1 she's... She's 50.
I'm 50. So she's 35.
Is that okay? Yep.

Speaker 1 She has a kid. Is that okay?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 She smokes. Is that okay? She smokes two packs a day.
Nah, I don't fuck with this. She doesn't like smokes? Nah.
Because it takes away smokes. What about weed? Nah.

Speaker 1 Okay, so take that away. Any recreational drugs? Nah.
Liquor?

Speaker 1 I don't really drink. Not if she's like one of them.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 You're not going to dig Charles Bukowski.

Speaker 1 Somebody that just has it on the weekend on the platform.

Speaker 1 Hunter S. Thompson.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay, so no drugs, no alcoholic. No drugs.
No smokes. Liquor is fine.
No doubt. Tattoos.

Speaker 1 Tattoos is cool. As long as it ain't too many.
What's too many? Yeah. Too many, you know, when they have it all on their fucking

Speaker 1 corner. Yeah, right, right.
Have you ever dated someone with tattoos?

Speaker 1 Yeah, she had tattoos. On her face? Nah.
On her back, right here. And she had one right here.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay, what if she had one tattoo, but it was a Mark Furman?

Speaker 1 Just one tattoo, a big one on her back with Mark Furman. Just

Speaker 1 four.

Speaker 1 Mark Furman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Mark Furman. This guy right here.
Yeah, I know who Mark Furman. You know, Mark Furman Furman is, right? Why not? Yeah, say him.
Okay. Is that okay? No.

Speaker 1 I would.

Speaker 1 You can't be specific. You don't see it till you get naked.
Yeah, yeah. His head is right by her bush.

Speaker 1 Well, what if she had a tattoo of Rosa Parks? Would it be nicer? Mm-hmm. Uh-oh.
Would change it to Rosa Parks? He's right there. Wait, wait, I don't know if it's a valid question.

Speaker 1 Uh, he's right there. Oh, okay.
Come where!

Speaker 1 We were in the beginning. Well, where is she at on the bus? What?

Speaker 1 Where is she at on the bus? Is she in the back? In the back. She's in the back.
She's in the back. She's in the back.
Then you don't want that tattoo. You don't want that at the back.

Speaker 1 That's a bad tattoo.

Speaker 1 Okay, so. What if you took off the hottest girl in the world's shirt and she had a swastika right on her shoulder? She's the hottest girl you've ever been with.
You're going for it? And a swastika.

Speaker 1 Big swastika right on her shoulder. Nah.
You don't care? Nah. I'm going, nah, that will have to go.
Oh, it depends. If she said, you know what?

Speaker 1 Nobody hear this.

Speaker 1 I used to hate your kind, but I changed. You know what I'm saying? They know it would be like, you're kind.
What if she was like, fuck the racism out of me, Doc?

Speaker 1 Nah, because she might

Speaker 1 slip up and and say the word in the bed, and then she'd be out. What do you care? Yeah, you got it.
You're hard dogging a fucking out of your body. Oh, no, it's going to be protection.

Speaker 1 She's got to be back in the bed. Running in these streets like that.

Speaker 1 Words. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 What do you want to do here? Let's go. What's your ideal woman? Yeah.
Give us your ideal woman then.

Speaker 1 Because, Doc, this is Doc's ideal woman, and the girls out there, the bad friends fans that are out there that are, that are, what's your age limit? I would say 30. 30.
30 is the youngest.

Speaker 1 30 is the youngest. And the oldest.

Speaker 1 What's the oldest? The oldest is about. 60.
Hell no. Okay.
You don't like 60? What's wrong with 60? Nah. 54.
I'll tell you why.

Speaker 1 Because I still kind of, in my mind, I still want to have children, so I'm looking at in between 43 and 30. 30.
So 30 and 43. Odd number, but okay.
You should write this down. 30, 43.
Right.

Speaker 1 White or black? Do you have any preference? They're writing it down. Okay.
Okay, I get

Speaker 1 what's your preference? Black, Latino. So it goes in order: black, Latino, Latinx.

Speaker 1 Latinx. Latinx.
Three is. No white says.
Or Asian. Asian

Speaker 1 So it goes black, Latinx. There's really no order.
It's just. No, there's an order.
There is an order. Everyone has an order, right?

Speaker 1 She goes black, Latino, Asian, Asian, then whites.

Speaker 1 So white's last. No, it's not last.
What's last? What's last?

Speaker 1 I don't know, because I don't have a last. I don't understand.

Speaker 1 I'm a fucking

Speaker 1 idiot. I get it.
I get it.

Speaker 1 We got the four. We got the four.
Height. So height.
Does height matter?

Speaker 1 She can be be no more than like 6'2 ⁇ , 6'3.

Speaker 1 She can be 6'3?

Speaker 1 Yeah, no more than that. You've seen a lot of 6'3 girls running around? I mean, if she wants to.
What are you hanging out with volleyball practice? Is she ready? Okay. That's so fucking funny.

Speaker 1 What's the shortest she can be? I don't.

Speaker 1 4'9?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 4'9, 4'8? 4'5? 4'9, whatever. Okay, okay.
So it is the gambit between

Speaker 1 4'9

Speaker 1 and 6'3.

Speaker 1 Pretty much any girl girl ever that's ever looked. I just told you.

Speaker 1 Alright, so 6'3 ⁇ . Okay, this is great.
So 6'3. 4-4-8- and 6-3.
He said, Okay, now,

Speaker 1 these are the religions. So, you're okay if she's Christian? I'm okay with a lot of religions.
Okay. Oh, she ain't Satanic.
I don't know. Okay, Jewish.
So, how about Scientology?

Speaker 1 Scientology is a little weird. You can keep it.
Okay, so no Scientology. No, Scientology.
Not all religions. Mormon.
That's cool. Jewish?

Speaker 1 Cool. Mennonite.

Speaker 1 Well, it's the same thing, basically. Mennonite? That's a different

Speaker 1 style. What if Zoroastria? Oh, Zoroastria.
What the fuck is that? Come on, first religion before.

Speaker 1 It's the beginning. The beginning.

Speaker 1 Zoroastrialism. Yeah, Zoroastrianism.
Is that okay?

Speaker 1 I don't even know what the fuck that is.

Speaker 1 You don't know? Put it down. Put it down.

Speaker 1 What about FSM? What is that? Flying Spaghetti Monster. Do you know that religion? Be fucking with me.

Speaker 1 That's a real thing.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, Flying Squadron Spaghetti Monster. I've heard of it.
Look up FSM. Let's do the list.
Let's do the list. I've never heard of it.
Okay, so those are religions are fine.

Speaker 1 Let's go further, right? Judaism? Socioeconomic. Let's go socio-economic.
Socio-economic status.

Speaker 1 She makes

Speaker 1 $8,000 a year.

Speaker 1 What's the lowest they can make? Yeah. For you.
I don't really have any preference with that. Okay, so they can make no money a year and you're good.
You're supporting.

Speaker 1 Well, she's got to be wanting to work. She can't just be a lazy.
Because she might be in between jobs. You know how to shoot in.
Yeah. Okay, so she has to have a job or be getting a job.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she's got to be somebody who's. But do you have a discrimination against what job? Ambition.
What if she's in fast food? No strippers, no prostitutes. No strippers, no prostitutes.
Okay.

Speaker 1 We call them sex workers over here.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you this. Remember when you ate tacos in Mexico?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 Do they need to have all the limbs?

Speaker 1 Wow.

Speaker 1 No, I'm asking you.

Speaker 1 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 It's a real question. It's real.

Speaker 1 If they're missing a leg, okay?

Speaker 1 How many limbs can they be missing? They're looking for that. I know, but I'm just thinking, would it be okay for a missing leg?

Speaker 1 I guess.

Speaker 1 These are crazy. How many limbs can they be missing? What's your limit? One, two limbs? This is fucking weird.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, this is all on the profile.

Speaker 1 It's a profile. How many limbs? Just say, I want all limbs and we can move on.
What profile is that? Yeah, yeah, maybe that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, all limbs.

Speaker 1 What is it? Is it all or nothing? Yeah, give me all limbs since I got all mine. Let's do it like that.
And that's what it's going to say.

Speaker 1 Give me all limbs because I got some mine.

Speaker 1 I got so mild. Okay, give me all limbs because I got so mild.

Speaker 1 Okay, so how about the now? Can we do this? Hair color preference?

Speaker 1 I don't like too much of that purple and all them colors. Oh, you're traditional.
You want traditional natural hair? It don't matter, man.

Speaker 1 What if her natural hair is purple? That's cool. Okay, here's the thing.
I don't pay the woman who have their hair colored. It's a big deal.
What about this? Do you fuck with redheads?

Speaker 1 Yeah, have you ever hooked up with a red-headed woman? Never. Never.

Speaker 1 Wait.

Speaker 1 In college, I had one that I was. Yeah.
So you did have one?

Speaker 1 You did have one. Okay.
So

Speaker 1 it would be weird if there's an Asian woman who's 4'8 and has natural red hair, but that's fine with you. It is what it is, Bob.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Okay. And she has a Rosa Park tattoo on her back.
That's fine. In the back of the bus.
Yeah, yeah. In the back.
You've got to be attracted to her. All right.
So I have another now.

Speaker 1 These are the most important questions now. We're talking about now

Speaker 1 personality disorders. Right.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 what? Yeah. No,

Speaker 1 I can't get nobody normal. No, no.

Speaker 1 Everyone has something, right? So she, this girl, this woman. No, Bobby, everybody.

Speaker 1 Stop, stop. Let me ask you a question.
Okay. She has a little Tourette.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And she doesn't swear words. Maybe she'll say like an animal.
Cow.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Pig, pig, pig.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. Bird, bird.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 No, no, no Tourettes.

Speaker 1 Put no Tourette's. All right, I don't know, man.
How about a little downs?

Speaker 1 Just a little. Like 10% downs.
Nah, because then I feel like I'm doing like a charity case. No, I don't want to be.
No, that's not.

Speaker 1 You feel me.

Speaker 1 I feel it. Don't be bad.
No downs. No downs.
You know, yeah, don't be bad. I don't like all this discrimination, by the way.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think you should be open to all of it.
What if she's

Speaker 1 at least I'm real? What if she's

Speaker 1 a coalition calling me and shit? That's kind of everybody out here. Yeah.
Narcissistic. Narcissistic.
What a bipolar disorder. No, no, no narcissists.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Multiple personality disorder. Nah.
No bipolar narcissism. I got to just be a normal woman.
Well, you're friends with people with disorders. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We have disorders. What? Us? What do you have? What do you have? So many.
I got 10% downs.

Speaker 1 You got what? 10% downs. I think it's 12.

Speaker 1 It's like 12.5 downs.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. So you don't have to.
All right, the point is,

Speaker 1 we've acquired the list. Oh, by the way, piercings.
Yeah, yeah, that's it. I'm acquainting the piercings.
No piercing. No piercing.
Have you ever had titty piercings? Nah. Never? Never.

Speaker 1 You've never had down there piercings either? Bro, you don't know what you're missing, bud.

Speaker 1 Tongue ring? I don't see the problem.

Speaker 1 We have one last question.

Speaker 1 Have you ever hooked up with a girl with a tongue ring? Nope. You're fucking missing it.
We have one more category that's very important. I don't think it's sexy.
Oh, wait.

Speaker 1 How about this?

Speaker 1 Oh, okay.

Speaker 1 C. Santino.

Speaker 1 Their point of view, right? It's like, even when I'm talking about

Speaker 1 disorders, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about people's opinions.
Uh-huh. Right? So

Speaker 1 Trump supporter, like, she was there January 6th. So was he? Oh, that's right.
He stormed the cabinet. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
You were there. What the fuck is that?

Speaker 1 They were standing on his shoulders to get into that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Or a gay Trump supporter was.

Speaker 1 You don't care about the politics. Are you having a good time?

Speaker 1 Nah. Good.
Oh, that's crazy. That's cool.
What about

Speaker 1 she just has this weird thing? What if she was in the KKK and she got out?

Speaker 1 And she's like, I escaped. That's not me anymore.
I mean, she changed, so why would I even. Okay, but be careful because there could be a little bit of get out in there.
No, we don't.

Speaker 1 She might be trapped.

Speaker 1 She needs to go in here to

Speaker 1 get the rest of that out before she takes.

Speaker 1 She accidentally. You found out she accidentally

Speaker 1 killed her kids. Accidentally.
Ooh, how did what they left him in the tub? In the tub, face down. They drowned.
Yeah, they drowned. But she went to court.
There was a trial.

Speaker 1 Well, they said it was an accident. They ruled it an accident.
They ruled it an accident. But you heard the story, and it kind of sounds weird.
It's a little weird.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 If I'm feeling like that, like it sounds kind of weird. Triplets, all three kids, they died.
She was on the phone downstairs. Right, she had two previously weird about it.
I ain't gonna do it.

Speaker 1 But if I feel like, that's all right, I'm gonna

Speaker 1 go ahead and smash. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 1 Okay, yeah.

Speaker 1 She had two previous husbands, right? But they died in mysterious ways. Very mysterious.

Speaker 1 Like, what is mysterious?

Speaker 1 One of them was an engineer for airplanes. Yeah.
Right?

Speaker 1 And somehow,

Speaker 1 some way, he got stuck in the bottom of the plane and it flew and dropped him from 30,000 feet. But what would that have to do with her, though? Exactly.
Exactly. Yeah.
But the second husband,

Speaker 1 a piano fell on his head in New York City. What is this? Did Lauren Hardy?

Speaker 1 Anyway, they both died very missing. You know, they both went missing.
They both went missing.

Speaker 1 While she was with them. Yeah, she was never a suspect.
But she was never a suspect suspect in either. She was with them, a person.
A person of interest. Of course she was.

Speaker 1 When they're the partner, they're always a person of interest. But you've never seen a fucking murder mystery show before? They both disappeared on a lake.
Where do you think I got the word? Lakes.

Speaker 1 Two times. Two times.
They went fishing. They both disappeared on a lake, but she's never tried or convicted for it.

Speaker 1 Two husbands disappeared at the lake. Boom, boom, back to the back.
Back to back.

Speaker 1 Was she there? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just won't be going to no lakes with her that one. That's the smart thing.

Speaker 1 The problem is she lives at Arrowhead Lake. Yeah.
So to go see her, she'd come up here to dinner. Right, but you said on the lake.

Speaker 1 She lives on the lake. Yeah, yeah.
Her house is on the lake. Oh, her house is on the soul.
She's very rich. Okay, so would you go to the side of the lake? Like, you don't want to get in the lake.

Speaker 1 Yeah. But if you know that she, two husbands died in a lake, right? And she goes, let's go on the shoreline, the shoreline, would you go there? I would always.

Speaker 1 God damn, this is a would you go there? No, I probably wouldn't. You know what I would do? What you would do? Walk ahead of me.
Yeah, you got to walk in front. Yeah, yeah.
I like to be behind.

Speaker 1 But what if, like, that's how she killed her husband? She turned around and then shot him and some shit like that. And then threw him in the bag.
Then you should bring a gun.

Speaker 1 Once she turns around, you fucking tackle her from behind. Well, this isn't even a good dick right here.
This is. Yeah, yeah.
It was good up until she tried to kill you.

Speaker 1 No, but you heard, but you heard. So two guys died, right? Husbands, right? Yeah.
But you heard from 10 people, she gives the best blowjobs on the shoreline.

Speaker 1 Only on that shoreline. Okay.
Right? So you're walking like, I don't want to die, but she's still going to get the best blowjob on earth.

Speaker 1 She says to you, you know, I only kind of suck dick at the shoreline. Yeah.
I won't do it in the house, at the bedroom, in the car. Like, it's just not for me.
I want to be outside by the shore.

Speaker 1 She sounds like a setup. Y'all don't feel that? No,

Speaker 1 it sounds kind of hot. It feels hot.

Speaker 1 I feel a little bit in your voice. Have you ever gotten a blowjob by the shoreline? No.
Okay, well then. Yeah, there you go.
That's on you. It's on you, Bub.
Yeah, yeah. But what?

Speaker 1 Have you ever gotten a blowjob on a shoreline? Yes, yes. Yeah, everywhere.
Yes. You guys do.
Pull the closer and everywhere. Well, okay.
Yeah. He blew me on a shoreline.
Well, now he's a wife.

Speaker 1 That's just not easy. And you know what?

Speaker 1 We didn't go on one of those dates beforehand. We just did it.
Yeah, yeah. You guys are.
All right, so we have the profile. We're going to set it up.
Yeah, we're going to set it up. That's amazing.

Speaker 1 This is going to be on Tinder. Hilarious.
Okay. It's got to exist.
Yeah. Andre, so we're good with all that? Of course.
We have someone was commenting.

Speaker 1 Someone that you guys really like was commenting on the vignette

Speaker 1 versus Montage thing. Who is it that we like? It's someone who Bobby will have a huge respect for.
Ooh. And he commented on it and they call it a vignette.

Speaker 1 You cocksucker.

Speaker 1 You yourself call it a vignette.

Speaker 1 You cocksucker. We talked about up on the Christmas episode.

Speaker 1 Let's hear it. Oh, I can't wait.
Dude, that.

Speaker 1 I can't even watch that vignette. Balling.
It makes me so emotional. Balling.
Yeah. They should end the movie there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that was the best part. Go back.

Speaker 1 I can't even watch that. What? Turn it the fuck up.

Speaker 1 What the fuck? Oh, dude, I can't even watch that vignette. Boy, it makes me so emotional.

Speaker 1 I can't even watch that vignette.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. I feel so fucking good.

Speaker 1 The steroids are kicking in.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being a bad friend. Oh, my God.