Bobby's 50th Birthday

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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
I was ready at fucking 550 to go. and she wasn't even

were you not in the house?

No, I wasn't.

Yeah, you weren't in the house, alright? We're bad friends. I was ready at fucking $5.50 to go.

And she wasn't even... Were you not in the house?

No, I wasn't.

Yeah, you weren't in the house, all right?

So you can't give me that look.

Here's the second thing I want to say, okay?

I just found out this fucking girl didn't get me anything for my birthday.

It's my 50th birthday, and I go,

where's the iPad?

And she goes, that's too expensive.

I got no money.

Yeah, you have fucking money, lady.

It's still expensive.

I know.

My point is,

then I go,

and then I ask you,

where's your money?

And you go,

I'm getting my teeth fixed.

She hasn't been to the dentist

one time since she's been in America.

So you fucking lied to me.

And she said,

my teeth are rotten.

And number two,

I'm not trying to be rude, all right?

I know you're a young girl, okay?

But what I'm saying is, is that I don't charge you rent in my house.

Not one rent, right?

When I go to a steakhouse or whatever, I always ask you, do you want some steak?

Be honest with me, Jules, right?

If I went to Morton's, right, and I go, do you want something to eat, right?

And you said, I want a T-bone steak

with baked potato and the trimmings, right?

Would I not give it to you?

You would.

Yeah, right?

And I would never use that against you.

I would just be like, here, my child,

here's some nutrients.

I turn 15 years old once a year.

I mean, not once a year, once a lifetime.

Not once a year.

Sorry, I'm in a rant.

Once, I apologize.

Once a lifetime, right?

In the Korean culture, the 50%, I'm in a rant. Once.
I apologize.

Once a lifetime, right?

In the Korean culture, the 50th birthday is the magical one.

That's why little Santino, right, put all these little candy treats in front of me right now.

They put all these little...

What a surprise!

This is sponge.

Who is this?

Buzz Lightyear.

Buzz Lightyear.

Is that what his name is? Luigi. This is Toy Story.
Luigi, right? Because you're my little toy. You're my little sex toy.
You don't start. You don't start.
You're my little sex toy. I'm your little pocket pussy.
I'm your little pocket pussy. Yes, you are.
So I just want to say to you, Jules, I'm going at the end of my rant, all right? Sushi in candy form. Look at that.

What a bright and ingenious way to present candy.

Isn't that cute?

To an Asian person.

From my little Japanese friend.

Yeah, yeah.

This, I'm a Korean.

What?

Korean.

Are you serious?

Yeah, but we'll eat this too as well, right? Okay, good.

So, I mean, I didn't get any candy from you.

I didn't get no treats from you.

We decorated and you gave nothing.

You gave nothing.

I have. What? What did you give? decorated, and you gave nothing.
You gave nothing. I have!

What?

What did you give?

Okay, here we go.

That's all I wanted out of you.

So tomorrow is my birthday.

I have it here!

Why are you screaming

and getting aggressive?

Because I just want to scream.

All right, so you have a gift here.

Where is it?

Oh! My bad then. That's all I wanted.
Can you bring it to me, please? No. Can you bring it to me? Feliz cumpleaños, dear Bobby.
Feliz Navidad. Open it up up What is it? What is it, Bob? I don't have to open it Show it to the fans People want to know what it is What did Rudy get you? It's a cold taco supreme from Taco Bell What a gift Is that it? You're not going to open it? I know what it is That's rude Open the gift Fuck you What if it's not? What if it's a piece of cake? Alright I'm gonna say this right now alright If I open this up And it's not an iPad Let's see If I open And this is not some futuristic taco That's gonna do something for me Right? I am gonna go fuck it I might not even do the fucking podcast Well let me just see just see what it is because I want to know.
All right, let's open it up.

All right.

What is it?

Oh, it's a cold taco fucking supreme.

Oh, it is.

Like I said.

But eat it though.

No, I can't eat it.

Bite, bite, bite.

No, no, no, no, no.

All right, well, throw it at her then out of anger and frustration.

Leave it to the side.

Thank you so much.

Very good.

Very good.

Do you want the taco?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

I also want to say this. Hook shot.
I also want to say this. What did I get you for your birthday? Anime thing.
Where's the fucking mic? Anime stuff. I know.
Anyway. I like knives.
Thank you so much for the gifts. I don't know why Toy Story.
I never saw the movies. Who did it? Do it again.
I like knives. Do it again.
I like knives. We have a board.
We have a board. We have a Rudy board.
We have a Rudy. We have a Rudy.
We now have a Rudy board. That's nice.
So is that when she's out of town? Yeah, yeah. Listen to all the ones we have.
Listen to all the Rudy board. Go.
I'm tired.

Of course.

That's a good one.

It's a classic.

One Direction, all combined, they have 4,000 tattoos.

To Bobby.

It's a fact I don't need to know.

I like anime.

Okay.

I don't know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Those are good. Can we sell those? Oh my God, those are NFTs.
Yeah, those are NFTs. As far as I know.
Those are NFTs. The reason that these are toy stories because there has been a toy story of our life, our relationship and our friendship is that of toys.
we are sweet little youthful people yeah and

speaking of pixar films pete go ahead and bring up that wikipedia real fast just because i want to show boob this real quickly can i eat this to bobby yeah was that the soundboard what is that click on that down at the bottom pete the last one there you go big screen it just for fun real fast show the fans yeah the characters themes narrative asner's vocal performance and genaccio score were praised as well as the vignette of carl and his wife ellie growing old together the film won two academy awards including best animated picture best nominated and that's from the fucking page itself what the wikipedia page itself acknowledges it's a vignette, not a montage. Did you change it? Once again from up.
I did not. Because I have other sources.
This is the source. No, no, you changed it because it was before the, a montage it was before! Rudy? And you changed it! Rudy? Yeah, yeah.
Rudy Soundboard, Rudy, did I change it? I like knives. Did I change it? No! See? Yeah, yeah.
You know what? You're making me so angry, i'm gonna vape you shove that up your ass fuck you do it no it's your birthday you old bitch hell yeah vape life what's up what's up dog vape king dog what's up player dude are you excited it's your 50th birthday no i i i death is around the corner yeah you're halfway well no for you it's definitely more than halfway you're like three quarters done because i look at like you know it was a sad week because norm died and then what i brought it down no no i just made me sad Diego Maradona died a couple years ago and he was 60 he was 60 so i feel like i have 10 years left norm was 61 so you've got 11 11 years Because, you know, Norm was a great guy, a legend, and it was so heartbreaking. Funny.
Think about this. If you die by funniness, you've got like three years left.
What does that mean? Well, Norm lasts at 61. He's fucking a legend.
He's a genius. He's so funny.
You might last 52, 53, maybe. Oh, you think that the funnier you are, the longer you the longer you last yep oh then why why you should have died in your 20s i gave you the joke i know i gave you the joke well that's the truth though i gave you the joke yeah i've seen you lately on stage who's funnier don't go there did i see you bombing the or a couple nights ago yeah you did yeah pretty bad pretty bad yeah but you brought me on stage like a sweet boy.
That crowd was rough. It was rough.
Will you give me that then? Yeah, but I did better than you for sure. I don't know if you did.
I sure did. Can I tell you why? I sure did.
I was like, I want to stay and watch Andrew. I couldn't even stay.
Because you had to go outside? No, I was watching him sit on my... Because you were so bummed at what you did on stage? You know, it was like a Touret's what you did i wanted i wanted to go there i want to go like this i want to go boring here's what you did on stage yeah you were searching you were hunting you were searching you were hunting in the woods for bigfoot you were never gonna find it it was a tough crowd it was a tough crowd yeah with colin quinn there's no way i did better who did better no there was a way yeah i got more laughs it was terrible it is by the way it's a special day today why not only is it your birthday it's also yom kippur do you know that do you know what yom kippur is do you have any jewish friends roger who's roger who's roger Antigalala's father He's Roger? Who's Roger?

Antikalilah's father.

He's Jewish?

Antikalilah's stepdad is Jewish.

Can we call him?

No, because he's got a heart surgery today.

Wake him up!

Do you know he had surgery today, right?

Is he okay?

Yeah, he's fine. My dad had surgery yesterday.

My dad had not heart surgery, but he had surgery. That's so sad.
I'm so sorry. Now his tube and his pee-pee.
Dude, I was asking him about a catheter. The most painful thing he's ever experienced.
What do they do? They just go through the hole? Right through the... No, they make another hole.
No, wait, no. No, they carve another hole in your penis.
Just go through the hole that already... Of course they do.
Of course they do. I don't know.
I'm not a doctor. Not anymore, you're not.
I not i know but so let me ask you something about the catheter that was again junk they stick a uh they stick a tube right in your in the hole of the penis oh yeah yeah oh yeah and then it goes to where does it go endless or does it is there an end it comes back out of your mouth it goes they and then it comes right out oh so when they pull it out it's like a magic trick how they do with cankerchief right right they pull a cankerchief right out no it goes into your fucking bladder and you know what he told me that was a bummer he said he has to then then when they're done you have to relearn how to hold your piss you have to relearn how to pee because it'll just come out. My dad says when he drinks now, piss just comes out.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Oh, that's not funny.

Well, no, he's fine.

You gotta laugh about it.

What can you do?

Is that forever now?

No, no, of course not.

No, it's only like a couple more.

I think it's like maybe a month or something,

and then they pull it out.

A couple more weeks.

Is it your stepdad though, right?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, not real?

No, he's real.

He's a full guy.

He's a real man. I know, but not your bio.
Yeah, but I have a bio dad and a stepdad how's he doing they're both alive great burn because my dead dad uh you're a dead dad daddy while you die but you know what i'm proud of you 50 years and and look at what you've done with your career and i'm being genuine right now look Look at what you've done. Look at where you've made it.
Shut up. Look at how fucking far you've come.
Seriously. You son of a bitch.
From like a loser Korean fat loser pussy-less lame-o in San Diego. Yeah.
To now becoming one of the kings of comedy in our generation. Can I show you a photo? Can I finish my fucking thing? No, because it's not sincere and doesn't feel right.
Has this been sincere?

Was I being sincere, Rudy?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Look at this photo right here.

Interrupt my fucking speech.

This is me, 21 years old.

Wow.

Show the kids.

Look at the kids.

Wow.

How many years ago was that?

Go, fast math, go.

That was 30 years ago.

That was 29 years ago.

There it is. Okay ago There it is

Okay

There it is

But I lied

I was 20 there

Oh you did

Okay

Okay

So I didn't lie

I don't even know who this other guy is

I think he died

Dead guy

Bill

Bill?

It was Billy

Do you remember anything about that man?

Yeah

So I knew

What I knew about Billy is

Him and I

There's a coffee shop I used to work at

Called the Panican

La Jolla Panican Coffee Shop. Yeah, yeah.
Next door to it was this place called D.G. – it's still there, I think – D.G.
Wells Bookstore. And that's where I met – like Hunter S.
Thompson used to hang out there. You know what I mean? Did you meet him, Hunter S.
Thompson? No, but I met, fuck, Alan Ginsberg.

Seriously?

Yeah.

The writer?

No, the fucking baseball fucking player.

Oh, the baseball, Alan Ginsberg.

No, Alan Ginsberg, the writer.

He wrote me a letter once.

What did it say?

He says, you watch too much TV.

Dear Bobby, you watch too much TV.

I have a letter in the house somewhere.

That's incredible.

But I used to hang out there.

I never read a book in my life. I know.
But you know what I used to do? I used to hang out there I never read a book in my life I know but you know what I used to do I used to hang out there and I would like for hours and just pretend to read you're waiting for someone cool to come in yeah it was like one of those places where all these cool writers and people playing jazz and stuff and like Dennis the owner of the book store like was a friend of mine and stuff how would you pick the book I would just would just go like- Best seller? No, I would go to like,

I would go to Kierkegaard.

Say it again?

Kierkegaard.

Sure.

Right?

Like he has a book called Fear and Trembling.

Mm-hmm.

Never read it.

I have.

Is it good?

Never finished it.

Yeah.

I've never finished it.

And I used to,

you know,

I used to open it up

and cross my legs and read.

So I met Billy there

and then Billy and I

went and saw

way before, it was three bands. It was Mudhoney.
Oh, I loved Mudhoney. It was Sonic Youth.
So good. And Pavement.
I don't know Pavement. Oh, it was one of my favorites.
And they played, and there was only like a hundred people there in Del Mar. It was one of the best shows ever.
Wait, where? At the fairgrounds or something? No, just in the city of Del Mar. Pavement's one of the best albums.
This is Pavement? What was their song? What was their hit song? Albums. They have their first album called Slanted and Enchanted is one of the best albums ever made in the 90s.
Slanted, Enchanted? Slanted and Enchanted. That was made for you.
Yeah. Slanted and Enchanted is one of the best.
They have a song called Summer Bay. That's amazing.
It's a great song. How come I never heard of this band? Because this is more cool.
You're more Creed. You're more Creed.
You're more like Midwestern. I grew up with hip hop, first of all.
Clown Powsy. Stuff you know nothing about.
Clown Powsy. What do they call it? What? Insane Clown Powsy? Yeah, yeah.
Clown Powsy. Clown Powsy.
How do you say it? Clown Powsy. Are y'all into Clown Powsy? Is it Clown Powsy? Insane Clown Powsy.
Insanese insane clown posse insane clown palsy palsy okay whatever okay posse whatever say posse your thing no my thing is i'm into cool stuff no i'm into hip-hop you're not and you know nothing about hip-hop and and you know what i grew up in poway in the suburbs yeah you're a loser white people okay so don't try to put creed on me because i don't like fucking i don't know pavement all right okay all right you don You don't know shit about hip hop. I can't control like, oh, I live in the suburbs.
No, you like white shit. We skip our black people.
You like white shit. White trash.
We skip our black people working in this fucking, living in this neighborhood. I didn't have control over that.
Yeah, well, okay. You have no black friends.
You're racist. But I had no control over that.
I would love the blacks. Well, admit that you're white privileged.
Admit you're a white privileged kid. Say, I'm a white privileged kid.

Say it.

I'm a white privileged kid.

Okay?

I went to country clubs.

I played tennis.

I'm a white privileged kid.

Thank you.

I like, you know what I mean?

Kind of arty, white.

Artsy white fucking bullshit.

Fucking bullshit.

Thank you.

But anyway.

Payment was good.

They have a great other,

they have another album called Crooked Rain,

Crooked Rain with the album after this.

Crooked Rain? Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain. Two times? I think it's Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain.
Is it Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain? Crooked Rain. Crooked Rain.
Oh, it is? Crooked Rain twice. Yeah, Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain.
Great album. Do you like this because Zolester Jones says it's her favorite album? Is that why? Why is she there? Because she said it's her favorite album.
I have no... Dude.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

Listen.

Sounds like somebody's...

Uh-oh.

Listen to this.

Fucked hard, okay?

My favorite album is

Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain.

Crooked Rain.

And listen to this.

Fucked old.

Give it to me, dude.

Dude.

Give it to me, dude.

Bye.

If you look at any...

If you look at any...

We'll be right back with two Theos. If you look at any if you look at any we'll be right back with two Theos if you look at any right yeah best albums in the 90s right Crooked Rain Crooked Rain and Slendin' and Chana would be on those fucking lists what do you mean best what according to who you not all time selling nobody fucking bought this album no inlaimed? Dude, Crooked and Crick, if you look at the top 500 best albums ever made, either Crooked Rain, Crooked Rain, or Slanted Unchanted would be on that fucking list.
According to whom? Sometimes really- Not sales. No.
Not awards. You're so dumb, dude.
So who likes it? Really? You and your buddies in Poway? You're in your Poway, bubs? Bro, you can hang on. You can't say something's the best if there is no reason to prove that it's the best bro listen to me okay reebok is the best shoe company according to who dude me and my poway buds listen to me okay people watch full house yeah lots right millions i've never seen that yeah right right right so more people probably saw Full House than saw the movie Yo Himbo sure are you saying that Full House is better than Yo Himbo because more people watched Full House yep you're wrong because a lot of people in this country, I want to say this to you, America, and not

bad friend fans, because you guys are bright, and you guys are artistic, and you guys are

open.

All right?

But I want to say this.

You're really being very combative for my birthday, by the way.

It's a rare condition.

You can stay in age.

All right.

You can read any good news on the newspaper page.

Let me tell you something.

And that wasn't Full House.

That was Family Matters.

Black show, by the way,

which I enjoyed more than

the white slave-driven show

of Full House.

Right.

White enslaved children

by Danny.

Ooh, Danny and his uncles.

It was a sex ring.

That's what they were running

out of that house.

It was disgusting.

You're describing Roots.

It was. Yeah.
You're missing... I're missing, mixing, you're switching the shows.
Roots is what you're talking about. Can I tell you something? What? I do know who Paveman is.
Did that make you mad? No. Okay.
Because you know why you know? Yeah. Because you're a bright guy.
I do know. Yeah, yeah.
I do know, but it was really fun. But can I say this? Yeah.
We got you something special for your birthday. Oh, gee, what is it? Andres, go ahead.
Will you come into the room and present this gift to me? Yeah. Yeah, do it in a monologue.
I don't want you in the other room. He does this.
This is his. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He said he was bringing you in a gift, and I didn't know what it was. Yeah, he wrote a poem Hello Hi Thank you Can you get forward a little bit So the cameras can catch you Go over there so they can see you Get onete what are you doing let him be on his knees okay okay hold on okay all right all right okay hello give him the mic

happy birthday bobby thank you actually today is a really happy day

stop for a second let me just absorb it. Take your time.
So happy birthday. Happy birthday.
Hello. You said.
Yeah. Today's a very.
Very happy. Happy day.
Yeah. Because.
Because you were born. I was born.
Yeah. And you just pride my day every day.
You pride in this day. I don't buy it, but okay.
Yeah. Also, it's Mexican independent.
Yeah. Yeah? Yeah.
And, you know, I remember those days when Spain was ruling Mexico. It was beautiful.
Good times. Yeah.
It was like, we live in harmony. What? Wrap it up? Yeah.
No. This is his birthday gift.
Yeah. I need the whole thing.
Anyway, thank you, Bobby. You're amazing.
Yeah. Love you.
Before you go, Andreas, do I get a physical gift from you? Yeah. Yeah.
Okay. What is the physical gift I'm getting from you? It's an iPad that Rudy is buying for you.
Coming tomorrow. So I get a brand new iPad tomorrow.
From the future. From the future.
From tomorrow, the future. Right.
And you didn't contribute to paying for it or anything like that? Yeah, it's from both of us. Oh, he financially chipped in.
Oh, so you spent some money on it? Of course. You did? Yeah.
Okay, so. I put the software, you know.
You put the software inside. Oh, you went to the factory and you was like, wait a second, I know it's a factory, right? But let me, for this specific one, give me the parts.
Yep. Right, they stop the mechanism, you know what I mean? Whatever the belt thing that they do and you put the fucking mechanisms in it and all the other fucking probably hispanic people sure yeah bro what are you doing we got to do 10 million today you know so many more to do yeah yeah and then you did that and you took it off probably the belt yeah right and you packaged yourself yeah well i put it in my bag you You stole it.
You stole it. Okay.
So you're admitting to thievery. Yeah, thievery.
And then for some reason, Jules has it. Yeah.
Yeah. Wow.
An accomplice. And I want to say this to you, Andreas.
I want to believe you. You don't believe it? Well, listen.
Let me finish, all right? First of all, thank you. I'm kidding.
And I'm grateful to have a friend like you. Right.
Because getting a gift like an iPad is just it says a lot. It's something that I use every day.
Every day. And the thing is, is that if I don't get one tomorrow.
Yeah. Right.
There is going to be a betrayal inside my heart. Big time.
And there will be something what they call Allah revenge.. A la.
A la revenge. A la huakbar.
A la huakbar. A la huakbar.
Oh, that's what it is? A la huakbar. A la huakbar.
Yeah. Rudy is in charge of that second part.
I understand that, but since it is a 50-50 present, Yeah, you said it was your present too. If I don't get one, you will get half the wrath.
Okay. What will he get? He'll get a la huakbar.
A la huakbar, which in turn translates to fired fired yeah she'll get fired as well okay yeah if i don't get a fucking the best ipad tomorrow one terabyte right right with i'm gonna open it up to see if he put the fucking stuff in there too because you sign it or something i did yeah so the mechanisms have little signatures on it right Yeah, so you'll know who did it. I'll know who did it.
Get some glitches. Right? It might glitch a little bit.
I don't care, right? But tomorrow, when I wake up tomorrow, right, I can't wait to open up that. I can't wait to see that.
I can't wait to see it. Right, right.
And I also love firing people and acting like a little baby. Oh, yeah.
And rageful. Unfortunately, I'm not going to be there in the morning,.
Rudy will. I'll never see you again, actually.
Well, that'll be the end of you. Yeah, yeah.
Because I'm going to get other people to do it. Yeah.
Right. So I'll never see you again.
Yeah. So I can't wait.
Thank you so much, Andreas. Thanks, Andreas.
You're welcome. And thank you.
And tell your people congratulations on Happy Independence Day. No, it's Mexican.
It's the other people. It's the other people.
You don't have a phone number? The other people got away from his people. I know, but you can't call them? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Good. So thank you.
Thanks, Andres. One more time for Andres.
What a joyous, what a pleasant day. I guess he's fired.
He's fired. I'll never see him again.
La lavanda ha vuelto a Starbucks. Pon un toque de primavera en tu taza con el ice lavender matcha.
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We got a Hello, Tushy here at the studio. Oh, I love the Hello, Tushy here.
I got one at my house. I'll save a poo.
I'll save a poo just to do it here. Save a poo just to do it here.
Because the Tushy in this, our bathroom, is so nice. It's the nicest one.
It's the nicest one. It is.
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Tag us at hellotushy on Instagram. What'd you get me for my 50th? Your birthday's not till tomorrow.
I mean, because I might not see you tomorrow. Your birthday's not till tomorrow.
I'm delivering something to your home tomorrow. So you so you'll get a fucking gift you little snot rag brat wow well you never got me shit for my fucking birthday when is it exactly but when is your birthday we already passed it i know when is it guys you know they do know shut up what's the date we are you know we did a celebration without you okay i will look it up it was three days ago three days ago.
I will look it up. It was three days ago, Bobby.

It's not September.

Yes, it is.

It's not.

What month is it then?

Andrew Santino.

What month is it in?

Birthday.

Birthday.

Here we go.

Your birthday is October 16th.

That's right.

And it's coming up.

It is coming up.

Yeah.

And I am going to get you something so good.

Yeah.

Look, underneath that is my little photo.

This is my birthday.

Because we're bubbies.

Yeah.

Who's Benny Blanco?

He's a world famous megastar producer who was on Dave with us.

Oh, really?

He's connected to you.

He's, yeah.

He's one of those guys that writes some of the most famous songs you've ever heard on the radio. And you might know it's him that did it i'm a big fan that's great good stuff he is good um hey can we can we call someone for your birthday who there's a guy who i found on the internet pete will you show the picture this is exactly what my penis looks like look at this like to the t yeah exactly i know i've held it before exactly um so I found this On the internet And it made me laugh really hard

This guy was doing

A live AMA

And it says

What's the AMA mean

Ask me anything

Okay

And it says

I have genital herpes

Ask me anything

Okay

So he was doing a live

And he was just

Fielding questions

About his herpes

Yeah

So I said

This guy

The bravery of this guy

Is badass

Most people hide their herpes

This guy's like

I got him

Do you have it

No

I don't even know

What it looks like

Herpes

Yeah

I bet you can guess

But how would I know

Well let's ask the expert

I don't even know what it looks like herpes yeah i bet you can guess but how would i know well let's ask the expert we've got him available to talk to okay this guy pick his name is pickering fitness hello how's it going hey herpo herpo herpo what's your name dude my name is christopher christopher we found chris i found you i was scrolling through tiktok on the shitter and i saw you doing an ama and it said i got herpes asked me anything and i thought this guy's brave as shit he just put it out there most people are scared to even talk about it but not you you were answering and you did an ama for how long oh I do them daily kind of educate the people so you do herpes daily herpes AMAs

every single day? Yeah, I do these live videos to educate people and grow my page. I love this.
That's great. Bobby knows nothing about herpes and he's very interested.
Well, there's things wrong with my shaft. Mm-hmm.
What's so funny? I heard about the drooping as well. Oh, yeah, I have droopers.
I got droops. He knows.
You know about the droops? Yeah, yeah. The skin down, you know? Yeah, yeah, the skin covers the head and makes cheese.
Chris, how'd you get the herpaderp? How did I get it? Just live my you know fucking oh knee deep in it do you remember who gave it to you is it like it's like yeah it was a nice did you do when i ask you that did you ask her before you hooked up that do you have the herps or is that something you assume it's a woman it could be a male you don't know oh yeah did you the dude is it a guy i believe it was a woman but you can never be sure these days. I love his attitude.
See? Yeah, yeah. You don't know.
Let me ask you something. Now, my penis has rashes on it.
It's got a purple heart because it's been in some wars. And, yeah, my penis has a cute personality.
You know, it's like a rotting sea anemone. That's the best way to describe it.
And

my penis has little bumps on it.

How do I know if I have herpes or not?

I would suggest

that if you have some bumps,

go to the doctor and

get them to do a test

of it because it's easier

to diagnose if you have symptoms as opposed

to no symptoms.

Let's say, who gives a fuck? If I have it, I have? Like why would I need to go to the doctor? You got it. You got it.
It gives my penis some like – Personality. Personality.
It looks like Edward James Olmos' face. You know what I mean? Nice.
Yeah, yeah. It's got some like potholes and like – It's a character.
It's a character actor. Your penis is a character actor.
Yeah, yeah. Like character yeah yeah like you can see him so unless anyone makes fun of you to the point where you decide to leave this plant there will be no harm to the body yeah it's not that big of a deal it's not that big of a deal then huh so if you're with a new girl do you tell her up front that I or a guy my bad if you're with a guy slash girl or a binary person non-binary non-binary would do you tell that or they would you tell them you that you have herpes very good so i will tell everyone that i think i'm going to get naked with but i will not just tell people on the first date is there a girl a girl that ever, is there a human being that's ever said, oh, you know what? I don't want that.
So I'm not going to hook up with you. Has that ever happened? Not directly, but yes, I've been rejected for having it, but I've also been rejected for being five foot five or, you know, this weird personality.
So rejection is going to happen.

You're five foot five.

Without herpes.

Are you five,

five?

Yes.

Yes.

I was given all of the terrible gifts just to either be an inspiration or a

joke in society.

I think you have to see which one.

I think you're an inspiration.

No,

you're a good guy.

I can tell,

man,

you seem like a good dude.

I appreciate it.

Yeah,

man.

I'm a big fan of blogging.

Thank you,

man.

That's his birthday.

It's my birthday. I love you.
I love you. I love you.
I love you. I love you.
I Thank you man I love you and memoirs of a geisha It was great Can Bobby make fun of you now? No I don't need to Absolutely I don't have to stoop to that level Do you have a big penis absolutely not no it's probably smaller than Bobby's honestly thank you that's a good that's a win for me anyway have you ever gone to hook up with somebody and you were like I have herpes and they were like I want to see I mean, memoirs of a geisha. Yeah.
Can we just let that sink in for a second? I did. Yeah.
No, because I let it. You know what? I'll be honest with you, bud.
When I heard it, I wanted to laugh at first. Yeah.
But then a little rage happened. You know, it hits a rageful part of me.
Yeah. And then I'm like, let it go.
And then we kept talking, right? I can't. Oh, so now you're mad.
I'm not mad. I just, I don't know why I can't.
Well, then tell them how you feel. Yeah, yeah.
Tell them how that makes you feel. No, I just want to, let me ask you, did you think that I was in the movie Memoirs of the Geisha or do you, was that a joke? That was a joke.
That was a joke. And it felt good then.
It's a funny joke. I actually wrote some material for this particular phone call just in case.
Oh, my God. Let's hear some of them.
Yeah. Let's hear some of the jokes.
That's really good. So let's go through the jokes then because now that feels good.
Yeah. I have some material.
Can I name the segment real fast? Yeah. Absolutely.
Jokes from a jerk with bumps. Nice.
Okay, good. And now, do some of these jokes need a setup for me? Like if I say something, then you could respond with something? Sort of, yeah.
Some of them can be. Yeah, so give me a setup and I'll set you up for one.
So give me a setup. Okay, so typically I will only wear like tank tops or wife beaters like in all of my herpes videos.
Yeah. So maybe you're going to be like, hey, man, is that the only thing you wear? How about that? No, I'll do it.
I want to hear your response. I want to hear your response.
I'll set it up. Hey, dude, so I watched some of your TikTok videos and stuff.
You wear wife beaters and tank tops and stuff. Is that the only things you wear?

Absolutely.

I'm completely naked from the waist down,

which is probably why I ended up with turkeys because of all the excess skin that's visible.

Ooh, that joke didn't hit.

Did not hit.

Oh, that joke didn't hit.

How can we make that better?

There's no way to do it.

Let's let go.

Let's go to the next show.

Okay.

Let's go to the next show.

We got a really long joke.

Yeah.

You know what you should have done?

Give us another setup.

You know what you should have done with that

is right when you were saying the punchline, rightline and you could tell that it wasn't going well, then you should have hit me back with memorabilia. Let's do that again.
Let's do that again. Just do a little talk.
Let's try it. I watch your TikTok videos and I see you wear tank tops and white beaters and stuff.
Is that all you wear? No, but I do sometimes wear that when I'm watching Memoirs of Geisha. Boom! There we go.
That's exactly very much better. Much better.
Give me another setup for another joke that you wrote. Okay.
Here we go. So I heard it is your birthday tomorrow, Bobby.
Yes. Okay, that means you're turning 50 this year.
You are the same age as a Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, but by the looks of you, it looks like you ate the whole Chocolate Factory. Ooh.
Ooh, ooh. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No.
For me, it's up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
For me, it's up for me it's up it's for me it's like um that was a burn how can we make that one better no i think that's a good one you like that one yeah because it's he the joke was as if i look like ralphie may let me tell his let me tell okay here's here's how it should have gone, Chris. Chris? Christopher? Chris, right? Chris.
Either one is fine. I have herpes.
It should have gone. See, that's a good joke.
That's what I love about it. That's a good joke.
That was a good singer. A girl goes, is it Chris or Christopher? Go, who cares? I have herpes.
Let's go get a drink. That's a good joke.
So it should have gone, Bobby, you're turning 50 tomorrow, which is the same age as Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory but from the looks of it I think I've seen you in memoirs of a geisha that would have crushed well I liked your AMA I think it was really good I thought it was really fun that you were answering questions and also dude let me say something I really something. I really like it.
Thank you for calling. That was my birthday gift to you.

That's the gift?

I appreciate it.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, Chris.

We'll talk to you soon.

Thank you, brother.

Sounds good.

Love you.

Bye, guys.

I said bye, guys, because I was saying goodbye to him and his herpes.

I want to say bye to both.

That was really funny.

Hey, that was my gift.

Yeah. Okay.
All right. Yeah, nah.
No thanks. We're trying, Bob.
Yeah, it's not. I don't think you are because I don't think anyone really is.
Because the only thing that I asked for really, to be honest with you. We got you gifts.
It's not your fucking birthday till tomorrow. Relax.
Don't yell. No, you're such a spoiled brat.
We're getting you gifts. Everybody got you a gift.
I'm just expressing something. That's all.
Well, say it. All right.
All I'm saying is that I only wanted one thing, and I feel like I'm not going to get the one thing that I asked for. You're going to get the fucking iPad, okay? It's not the iPad.
What is it then? PlayStation 5. You're not going to get the PS5.
I know. We couldn't.
And it hurts me. Well, that's not...
For For a year I've been looking for one. It's the market.
I know. But that's what I wanted.
That's the market, little boy. You can get one.
They're like five grand. Bob.
But that's the thing. It's like, you know, it's my 50th birthday, right? Why can't somebody splurge five grand? That's a lot of money, Bobby.
You can afford a fucking PlayStation 5. So can you.
I know, but it's not my birthday. I'm not going to give myself a birthday present.
Why? It is your birthday. No, I want someone to give it to me.
Okay. All right.
I respect it. All right.
Hey, so we've been following heavily the protests at the CDC because Nicki Minaj said, don't get vaxxed. Do you know this? No.
People are protesting at the CDC because Nicki Minaj was like, do make your own decisions she's basically saying don't get that yeah but so she so she said that and then people are just going to the cdc and protesting the cdc yeah it's pretty funny it's actually very funny to me would you have not would you have gotten vaxxed if you were single yeah and you didn't have the family the family, the kids, and- I would have gotten vaxxed. You would have done it anyway? Yeah, but you know what? I'll be honest with you.
Say it. You're anti-vaxxed a little bit? No, I'm not anti-vaxxed, but I am getting to the point, and I don't know if it's my age, but I'm leaning toward just make your own decisions.
Well, I feel that way. Yeah.
I feel that people, whatever you want to do. No, but I've always leaned.
I'm going to go get what I'm going to get. So to the left.
But I honestly, as I get older. You're becoming more conservative.
I'm becoming a little bit more conservative. It's weird.
Wow. Yeah.
What else do you think you're more conservative on? Pretty much everything. Like you're against gay marriage? No.
Not the social issues. Are you against gay rights? Here's what i believe in this is what i believe in yeah freedom it's not oh i like this this sounds like a little fox news listen i believe in freedom right too so a woman's right to choose hell yeah is freedom oh hell no you're gonna let them choose yeah yeah no they can't drive they can't think um put that baby in the kitchen sink the right to own firearms guns is freedom okay so conserve that's conservative that is very conservative all right so so kill your baby but no no no that's what i'm saying your baby keep your gun i think there should be regulations on guns on guns there are but more a little bit more but i still believe in the right to own some.
Okay. I don't believe that somebody needs an AK-47.
You know what I mean? Well, why not? For hunting. You ever shot one? They feel good.
They're so fun. They feel so good, don't they? They're so fun.
I know. Yeah.
That's the problem. Yeah, but I think that- Have one, have more, have fun.
I think- So let's go over the issues that you are conservative. Let me just get this point out.
I used to be very far left. And because of cancel culture, it's pushing me toward the center.
Okay. Toward the center.
Do you think you would? If Trump runs again, will you vote again? No, I'll always vote. I hate him.
Are you sure? I want to go January 6th. I wish I went.
What if he has the same policies? What if he starts saying stuff that you like? Like what? What if he's like, I'm fine, women. Keep your babies.
Kill them. Do whatever you want.
Gods are good. But he would never do that because his platform is Christian right.
You know what I mean? What if he flips the script? I think would he wouldn't get anybody what's another conservative issue that you think you're you're more conservative about now than that you were a democrat about before or i mean conservative i mean liberal about before well you know immigration i've always had because i'm an ethnic person and you know my parents came here and i... You want to stop that immediately.
No, I don't.

Well, you got in.

It's like, let's fucking close the gate. I think asylum is fair.

I think we should keep that in the books, but it's like illegal crossings is, you know...

Illegal crossings is bad.

It's not that it's bad, but it's like maybe we should be able to...

What, shut them out?

Kick them back?

No, that's all I'm saying either.

What are you saying?

I personally believe everything's fine at the border.

Is it?

I don't know what you're doing.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I really don't know what you're doing.

No, I don't either.

I'm asking you.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't like talking about this shit right here.

That's why it's so fun.

I know.

That's why it's fun.

I don't like talking about this shit because I just feel like people are going to be like,

you idiot.

You fucking don't know.

Who cares?

They're all idiots too.

Everyone's idiots.

I can feel myself like kind of drifting toward a center.

Rudy, how do you feel about illegal immigrants?

I feel like they need to have citizenship because they work here.

Yeah.

They try to serve Americans.

So I think they need to have citizenship. Okay.
That was a political answer. That's a pretty good one.
Because she said she didn't really take a stance on it. Yeah.
How do you feel about gay rights? I love gays. Perfect.
Yeah. That says everything.
I love gays as well. I don't know.
I do. I don't know.
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Yeah. Did you vote for the recall of Gavin Newsom? I did yesterday.
A little too late, but we did it. And who did you say? Did you? I just put no on the one thing.
Wait, so you said no to the recall? Yeah. You didn't want to recall him? No, I like him.
I recalled him. Why? Caitlyn Jenner.
What did it mean Caitlyn Jenner? Caitlyn Jenner was on that list of people that were running against him. I want to recall Newsom and put in Caitlyn.
No, but it was Larry Elder. You know what? What? No, Larry Elder was one of the names on the list.
There was a massive list of names you could have picked from. Caitlyn Jenner was one of the names, and I voted for Caitlyn.
I didn't know that. If I knew that.
She was on there. If I knew that.
No, see, I think you're against trans rights, and you're against trans people. No, that's not what it.
My girlfriend said push no. Your girlfriend's trans? my girlfriend said push no your girlfriend's trans what are you trying to say no no you're against the trans community she gave me the fucking the ballot and she told you what to do I was playing fucking a game on my phone oh my god just listen to what happened you bigot I was playing a game on my phone you voted to keep a white straight male in office instead of putting in someone like Caitlyn Jenner.
I didn't know. You make me sick, dude.
Fuck you. I didn't know.
A white straight male. Another Poway High.
San Diego's finest. That's what you did.
I was playing a game on my phone. And you didn't even pay attention.
She threw a fucking ballot down on my fucking bank. And what did she say? She said vote no? I put no down.
Did she say vote no? There was no other things that I could fucking put. I am upset.
And I put it in the fucking mailbox. Okay.
All right. So we'll just get another white straight male running this country into the fucking ground fuck you gives a shit i'll go fuck you what yeah fuck you so you heard it here first bobby lee is pro guns and anti-trans i'm tired he's pro guns he's anti-trans that's what he said can i say this trans people can i say this that's what you are you didn't sleep good last night what do you mean i could tell in your eyes why yeah you're grumpy and you didn't sleep well last and be honest.
Wait, don't deflect because's what you are. You didn't sleep good last night.
What do you mean? I can tell in your eyes. Why? Yeah, you're

grumpy and you didn't sleep well last night and be honest.

Wait, don't deflect because you didn't vote. I didn't.

No, don't do this to me. I don't know anything about it.

Let me say something. No, just because you

just because you're against

Caitlyn Jenner. And you're grumpy

and I don't know what you're doing. So sleep

well next time and then we'll meet, okay? You do know

what I'm doing. No, I don't.
Yes, I'm proving

what happened last night. What happened last night? You are pro.
Did you sleep well last night? You are pro-white power. Take an ambient.
Oh, you're white power now? You're a white power guy. Wait, you need to be on ambient to sleep? Are you a white power guy? You need to get rest.
I think you're overworked. I think you need rest.
You're overworked and you have a lot of stress in your life. Why are you against the trans community? I don't love them.
Why did you vote? Then why didn't you vote for Caitlyn? Why didn't you vote for Caitlyn? Because I didn't know what the fucking press on the fucking thing. Because you want another white, straight male.
He's cute. He's cute.
This is Fox News. Gavin Newsom's cute as fuck.
This is Fox News. Is he not cute? He's okay.
Yeah. I think Caitlyn is way prettier.
I know, but in terms of governors, it's like, who would

you, alright, listen to this. Uh-huh, who would

I rather have? Someone that snuck away during the middle of

COVID to go to French Laundry to eat dinner, or

Caitlyn Jenner? A hero. He loves good food.

In the middle of COVID, when he told everyone

not to leave their house, he went and ate fucking

dinner, while Caitlyn, while Caitlyn

was changing the fucking time.

Changing society. Bro,

say I'm sorry on your camera to Caitlyn Jenner for not voting for her. I'm sorry, Caitlin.
But I did see her documentary. I love it.
Okay, say it to her. I love your documentary.
I love it. The way you throw that pole.
The way she threw the pole when she was Bruce. Not pole.
No. I know what it sounded like.
Woo, woo, woo. No, the way you threw the pole.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

At the Montreal Olympics when you were Bruce.

Wow.

That's crazy to say?

So insensitive.

Why?

The way he ran around.

Bruce is dead.

Caitlin's now.

I know, but still, Bruce is a little inside him?

A little inside.

Her?

I don't think so, pal. Pal? I don't think so, buddy.
Pal, pal. Let me ask you this.
Is your home life stressful and you can't get rest? Are you trying to dig out of this hole right now? No, I'm not. I'm not in the hole.
You're so deep in this. I feel so good about it.
Bobby! No! Bobby! Bobby! And I'm going to be like, I'm up here. I'm above you.
I'm not even in the hole. You're in the hole, buddy.

You're in the hole, dude.

Honestly, for me to work with you,

you need to get more rest.

I love it.

I love that you're

the way you are.

Look at me.

I love it.

What do you fucking love, you asshole?

I love holding that against you that you voted for Gavin Newsom

and not Caitlyn Jenner.

Or Larry Elder, who's a black male. So instead of a black guy or a trans woman, you wanted a white, straight, heterotoxic male.
That's all I want to say. I'll admit to you then this.
That's all I want to say. All right.
Number one. Okay.
You got my money and my vote, Caitlyn. Listen.
Okay. I don't know a lot about governors, but I know Greg Abbott.
I know Ron DeSantis. No, just listen, right? I know Brian Kemp, right? He's a governor as well, right? So you have Texas, Georgia, Florida, right? And Gavin Newsom.
Line those four fuckers up, right? Kill them. Gavin's the cutest one.
Okay, fine. Will you admit that? Yes.
Out of the four? You know what? You're right. He's the cutest one.
And that's what I was holding on to. Okay.
Okay? Okay. So I know it seems shallow.
It's not. Yeah, yeah.
It's right in line with your normal. My way of thinking.
Yes. Right? I would never fuck the other three.
Kemp. What about Caitlin?

Yeah, but I didn't know Caitlin was in it.

I would fuck her too. Well, now you do.

Would you have sex over?

Who would you have sex over?

Caitlin or Gavin Newsom?

Probably Caitlin because I'm not gay.

That sounded weird.

Wait, wait.

That sounded weird.

That sounded weird.

Okay.

What I meant to say is.

Disappointed in you, Barbie.

I know.

I know.

That Caitlin is more feminine.

And that's what I would probably be drawn to.

Yeah.

And Gavin is not as feminine.

Okay.

I wouldn't fuck any of them.

All right.

I don't know what we're talking about.

I don't even know why we're here at this point where you're accusing me. This segment has made me so happy.
I know. It hurts me, though.
And my throat's fucked. Happy birthday to you.
Perfect happy. Happy birthday to you.
Ready? Happy birthday. No, not yet, you fucking asshole.
We have to finish singing before you blub out the candle Did you make a wish? Yeah Happy birthday To you I think I'm gonna move to New York Bob Yeah Today just taught me What? It pushed me to New York I think What do you mean? attitude what did I do you're just so like digging me and I just anyway thank you for the cake what is it it's cupcakes it's delicious eat it alright eat one you fat fuck you know I don't like icing I know neither do I yeah that's we have something in common. Eat it.
You know, can I just say something? Eat it. I will eat it in a second, right? This tells me.
It was homemade. No.
Those are homemade. No.
It's not homemade. Wait, those are homemade cupcakes.
This tells me you got this at either Vons or some Ralph or some grocery store. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Those were homemade cupcakes.
Why is it frozen solid? Because I put them in my fridge so they wouldn't go bad. Freezer.
I put them in my fridge so they wouldn't go bad. All right.
My fridge is cold. So this is, all right.
Those are made. Those are homemade.
Thank you. Did you like it? Yeah, good.
Rudy, do you want one? Yeah. Throw her one.
All right. Well, throw her the whole thing.
I don don't need it you want me to throw it at her no don't throw it at her please okay yeah fuck alright okay okay hold on oh it is frozen yeah it's yeah okay don't throw it here you Don't throw it. Here you go.

Just throw it.

Gentle.

Very good. Nice catch.

Nice catch.

Happy birthday, Bob.

Thank you.

But I have been like...

All week long, I've been on the Peloton.

You've been trying to get back in shape?

I'm trying to because I just...

I want to last a little longer. You know, I want to last a little longer.

You know, I want to last a little longer.

Big Red.

What do you mean? That was the old theme song.

Remember that?

Last a little longer.

Go fast a little longer.

Longer with

Big Red. Big Red.

You know what my favorite? Do the theme song

to Big Red. My favorite theme song was do Do you remember the old sugar cane commercial? Wait.
For what? For Hawaiian roles? No. For sugar cane.
For Hawaiian sugar cane. No.
Wait. Well, let me hear it.
No, because once I started talking. And I didn't know what I was talking about.
I lost the tune. C-N-H, C-N-H, pure cane sugar, that's the one.
What? When was that? You don't remember that? C-N-H, pure cane sugar, that's the one. What? Yeah, you don't remember that? C-N-H, pure cane sugar, that's the one.
Is that it? From 1976. I wasn't alive yet.
Yeah, I was born. C-N-H, pure cane sugar, that's the one.
Yeah, that's it. Look at how cute that is from 1976.
Rice-a-roni, the San Francisco. No, the San Francisco treat.
Ding, ding. I was going to say that.
No, but you were off rhythmically. No, no, no.
Let me do it, right? Okay, Okay try it Rice-a-roni The San Francisco treat No The San Francisco treat Wait hold on hold on Let me do my version Yeah You do your version And then you will go to the YouTube Okay Right And you be the judge okay Rice-a-roni The San Francisco treat Rice-a-roni The San Francisco treat. Rice.
Oh, Ronnie. The San Francisco treat.
Ding, ding. Okay.
Stop. I just did it.
Right. That's it.
Rice. Right.
It was on my closer. Right.
Rice. Oh, Ronnie.
The San Francisco treat. Yours is like the San Francisco.
It's fucking a minute long. Did I not get it right? I'm sorry that I wasn't born in 1962.
Right. Because the newer one, I think, is slower.
By Menon. Yeah, by Menon.
That one's right. That one's pretty clear.
What about... You got to see this show.
They go back and forth for about 25 minutes about commercial jingles. This fucking show.
I know. It's great.
It's great. People want to hear it.
I know. People do.
Yeah, people want to hear it. Wait, what's the other one that I was just thinking of? I don't know.
I live inside your fucking stupid head 588 2300 What Come on 588 2300 Empire Empire That right So 588 2300 Yeah, I know that one. Yeah, yeah.
So 588-2300 Empire.

That's a good one.

Today.

There's a today after that?

I think he says today.

Yeah.

The little guy.

He goes today.

Today.

And does Coca-Cola have one?

Yeah.

What?

Coca-Cola is always great.

Wait, it's always great, always refreshing. We don't like blacks.
Oh, yeah. That's it.
That was it. Always great, always refreshing.
We don't like blacks. Or Hispanics.
The 1983 version, they added Hispanics. We don't like blacks.
Or Hispanics.

Or the Asians.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yep, I remember that.

That's Coca-Cola.

What was Pepsi's?

Oh, yeah, Pepsi's was like...

Oh, goodbye.

He had a mission.

He had a mission to go to.

Do Pepsi's, Pepsi.

Pepsi, Pepsi, Cola, Pepsi. Pepsi, Pepsi, Cola, Pepsi.
That's the next line. Because everything that I have in my head is cancelable.
Yeah. So I'm like, I'm editing, you know what I mean? Well, it's not you that said it, Pepsi said it said it not you Pepsi Pepsi call the Pepsi Bob sings a jingle you know the jingle as well right you finish it off but you're a better singer I know but I think you should finish it because you love Pepsi so much you love Pepsi so much you do you're so obsessed.
You like Pepsi more. I think you should finish the jingle, right?

Pepsi, Pepsi.

I'll just say the beginning part.

Pepsi, Pepsi, Cola, Pepsi.

Jews are the worst.

Wasn't that it?

What was it?

That was the worst.

Pepsi, Pepsi, Cola, Pepsi. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Pepsi, Pepsi, Cola, Pepsi.
Stop, stop. Stop.
That was so wrong. What was theirs? Pepsi, Pepsi, Cola, Pepsi.
Say it. Well, they had the Asian Asian one Oh, what was that one? Pepsi, Pepsi Pepsi, Pepsi Cola, Pepsi Cola, Pepsi Nip, chink Zip, a head Let me ask you what they have in the Philippines.
Do they have Pepsi in the Philippines?

Yeah.

Obviously, they have Coke.

Do they have Dr. Pepper in the Philippines?

I've never tried.

Oh, my God. They don't have Dr.

How about Mountain Dew?

Yeah, we have.

Do they have Mr. Pibb in the Philippines?

That's like Dr. Pepper's little bitch.

All right.

So do they have, what else would it be? Orange Crush.

No.

Holy shit. 7-Up.

There's 7-Up. Sprite.

Gotta be. There's gotta be Sprite.
Because Coke owns that.

Yeah, there's gotta be Sprite. What about

Is there one that you don't think that we have here?

What's that? Orange.

Orange Crush. That's what he was saying.
Crush. No, it's not Orange Crush crush that's what he was saying no it's not orange crush it's another name I forgot the names of it thanks for being here Rudy Rudy I mean the contribution is just excellent through the roof it's amazing So when Jules first came to America with her family.
Yeah. Statue of Liberty.
They were in LA. And I go, let's go get some pizza.
So we went and got deep dish pizza. From? Chicago.
From that place in Echo Park, Mosa. Mosa.
Mosa. You been there? Oh, you're kidding.
Great, right? Yeah, it's delicious. We get the pizza.
I'm going, fuck yeah. On their side, they probably ate one piece, and they were just like this.
Why were they so sad? Because they don't – that's not the kind of pizza they have in the Philippines. Oh, right.
Deep dish is not – they don't have that for sure. I know, but they have – what do you have? They have round table, and that's their classy place.
Just really thin pizza. Right, like New York style.
Yeah, but you didn't like the deep dish? At first, I didn't. Now you do.
Why now? Because you keep buying it over the... See, I'm conditioning her.
Yeah. What else can you condition her to do? I can condition her to do a lot of things, right? Like what? Get a job? Pay rent? Maybe.
I think you should start paying rent. That's my opinion.
You know, what I would like to do is this. Just a very simple thing.
You know what? You want our relationship to get better? Do you? Okay. I don't know how many times I have to tell you.
Yesterday, I get in the car, and there's one bar left on the gas tank. Every time she fucking uses the car.
Dude, fill up the tank. We've done this before.
How come you haven't filled up the fucking tank? Do you not know how to get gas? I do. I just get tired.
Do you think Bobby doesn't get tired? Bobby's got to go do work. After we pod, he's got to go do shows.
So now what? It's full tank right now. Yeah, because he did it.
Lady? What were you going to say? I know, right? Say it. It's your birthday.
Bitch. There it is.
You know what? You fucking bitch. Yep.
It's my fuck. I filled it.
Yep. Because I'm responsible.
Every time I have to fucking fill the fucking tank up. Preach.
Right? And let let me say something right now in your buggies or whatever you have in the Philippines let it out right I don't know what you fill in those right you probably have little little Filipinos with little wheels you know what I mean underneath the engine you know what I mean like 15 of them you know what I mean but we use gasoline in America that's right light her up yeah we lose gasoline light her up yeah i will right you fucking bitch yeah yeah yeah you fucking fill the fucking tank next hell yeah all right you ungrateful let it out yes do you understand right you don't pay nothing you pay nothing give it to her Bob. Yeah.
Do you I?

Don't oh now now. What is that about now? You've what you there's something going on in your head

Are you getting angry right now? No, okay?

You know what you look like your mom right now

That makes her angry you remember how she roasted you a couple episodes ago. She called me a fat

ugly stupid she roasted you a couple episodes ago? She called me a fat, ugly, stupid.

Yeah.

So now it's your turn to roast her.

It's your birthday.

Because we're going to blanket out.

We'll beep out whatever you don't want to leave in.

You roast her.

Okay.

Light her up, dude.

You fucking hairless cave woman. Mud.
Mud monkey. Mud monkey.
Dirt squirting. Dirt squirting.
Fucking Neanderthal. Shit eating.
Right? Fucking hairless turd fucker. You.
Is that good? That's so good. That feels good, right? Yeah.
That's what you are. Do me, do me do me do me it's your birthday go redheaded fucking mutant you know what I mean demon spawning fucking cis eating right andres andres andres you fucking spanish fucking mole eating shit drool fucking you know what I mean? Pete, you fucking gigantism titty fucking hoarding.
Titty hoarding, titty maker, pieces of garbage human. Pretty good, right? Feels good, man.
Doesn't it feel good? It feels good to do it. She got it out.
She got it out. These guys compiled some comedians for Rudy to roast because she roasted you.
Rudy, you want to roast

comics that we're friends with and see what you can come up with?

I'll try. Let me see, Pete.

Bring it up. Pete decided

that she was so good at roasting you. She did.

I'm not going to lie. She lit you the fuck up.

I loved it, though. I mean, it felt

really good. I loved it.
I loved it. Alright, let's see

who she can roast. Go.

It's got to be rapid roast. Fast.

I just want to describe him. Yeah, that's what a roast is.
Yeah, you make fun of him. Okay.
Wrinkly. Oh, good.
He's a wrinkly bastard. Thin lips.
Yeah! You wrinkly thin-lipped. Hairy.
Hairy. Yeah, yeah.
And one more Pale skin Pale skin Pale skin Next Say next Next Next Okay how about this one Be careful it's their holiday Come on Say it Go ahead Come on Ew Yeah Can I say Yeah you can say Say whatever you want Because we're gonna blank out Whatever you don't want We're gonna blank out Whatever bad Yeah You Jewish That's I mean you could just end there You could just end there Next Next How about this one Yeah Fat Yeah I like Bert Oh man Alright next You say next, next. You say next.
You say next. Here we go.
Hairless. Yes.
Chipmunk. Yes.
Big eyes. Big eyes.
Tarsier. All right.
I don't know what that is. I don't know.
What is that? A small monkey. Oh, okay.
Great. She didn't say next.
You got to let her say next. Next.
Yeah, this one. Here we go.
Look at this one. He looks weird.
Exactly. Come on, come on, come on.
Start open with that. You weird.
Weird. You, you say you.
Remember how you're doing. You weird.
Yeah. Small-headed.
Yes. Hairless.
Hairless. Yeah, you like hair.
Yeah, yeah. Stupid face.
face Hit him Go for the throat He's a piece of shit Go for the throat Oh no Light him up Light him on fire You know Say it. What's the first thing that comes to mind? Say it.
What's the first thing that comes to mind? Say it. You.
Yes. Big.
Yes. Yeah.
Very big. Very big.
Can I say it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll bleep it.
We'll bleep it. We'll bleep it.
Come on, Rudy. Hit him.

Hairy.

Yeah.

Big nose.

Yeah.

Weird.

You could also say like bitch or you can add that stuff too for fun.

Bitch ass.

Bitch ass.

Next.

Please get it.

Come on, get her.

Please get it.

Get her.

You long face.

Yeah.

Bitch. Bitch.
get it get her you long face yeah um bitch that's it next oh shit oh yeah there we go pete no eyebrows he doesn't have any eyebrows that That's weird. That's weird.
No lips. Yeah.
Fuck face.

Yeah, another fuck face.

Next.

Next.

Do you know who that is?

No.

You don't know who that is?

He's been on our show.

He was just at the house, Rick Glassman.

He doesn't look like Rick.

Yeah, he looks exactly like Rick.

Yeah, that looks like Rick.

No.

All right, go ahead.

You nerd. Yeah, that looks like Rick.
All right, go ahead. You nerd.
Yeah. Fucking big nose.
Yeah. Thin lips.
Yeah. That's it.
I'm going to say this, though. You know, white people, you're saying thin thin lips a lot It's just because You're from a Big lipped People I just feel like He doesn't have lips She's not wrong I know she's not wrong We all do have small lips I feel like it's a bias We all have small lips It is part of our thing Okay okay Next It's one of our white privileges You know who that is? The Yoban? Yeah.
Weird looking.

Yeah.

I don't like the hair.

Okay.

Lesbian hair.

Lesbian hair.

Yeah, lesbian hair.

I don't like the smirk.

Yeah.

So do that smirk having.

Smirk having. Yeah.
Thick neck. Thick neck.
Thick neck, yeah. Weirdo.
Yeah. Next.
Bless you. Whatever the fuck that was.
Was that a sneeze? Yeah, I sneezed weird. Next.
Next. Damn, dude.
All right. I like Tom.
Fuck that. Fuck this guy.
You have to roast these guys. Fuck this piece of shit.
I like him. Look at his head.
Look at the head of a fucking penis But it's cute Alright you like him He's nice to you Fine We love him Tony Hinchcliffe He loves Asians He really does them. Yeah.
He's a real ally. He looks like a mouse.
Okay. But like with a long face.
Yeah. Okay.
He has big lips. But that's a positive, right? No, because it doesn't look nice on him.
Oh, okay. He should have thin lips then.
Yeah. I get it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah So if he has big lips it's bad If he has thin lips it's bad Yeah yeah Okay I got it Yeah Nice Yeah That's it That's it That was great That's a way to end Way to end Holy shit Rudy Oh can we show something real fast Pete bring up the Bring up the I mean Andreas bring up the advice Or actually I have it I have it Listen to this we got something about about your foreskin yeah from last week or two weeks ago whatever long foreskin solution so i just recently went through a period where my wiener was trapped behind some excess skin like mine yeah yeah mine was not due to age since i'm only 28 okay rude he doesn't need it he didn't need to do that yeah yeah it's rich slamming long story short that's very funny use of words i was using a penis enlarging device called the quick extender pro and all it did was stretch out the length of my penis around my length of the skin around my penis so i was stuck with a lot more skin than when i started with the same size penis i've been to a doctor and i'm now scheduled for a circumcision to bring my pecker back to the original picture he didn't include a picture and by back in the picture i mean not trapped behind the skin it's a bad joke i have a couple of tricks to you i use to keep the the head from sinking back into my penis skin so there is a community that's like you you're not alone there's a bunch of guys i didn't think i was the only one in the world well but i'm just i try okay first of, I was trying to be comforting and let you know that there is some other guys out there that have some penis problems.

He's going to go through surgery, though.

You think I should need surgery?

But what I would do first is I would go get one of these pro-penis, the quick extender pro-penis machine, so at least you get a bigger penis before you get surgery.

Because you've got to get it extended before you clip it down.

Why?

It's already extended the skin.

You don't have enough to work with.

I'm saying...

How do you know this?

About your penis?

Yeah.

I've seen it.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah, there's... Because you've got to get it extended before you clip it down.
Why? It's already extended the skin. You don't have enough to work with.

I'm saying swell up the- How do you know this?

About your penis?

Yeah.

I've seen it.

Oh, that's right.

Yeah, there's not much there.

So then I think we should buy you this kit.

Please don't say that in that way, though.

There's not much there.

Is it small?

It's not small, but it's not big.

Just be real with me.

Your penis for your height and weight and ethnic background is probably average. Okay.
I'll take that. That's fine.
I'll take that. But when your penis is being buried in its own skin, we're worried.
So we're going to buy this for you. Yeah.
If you will use it. I will use it.
Will you promise to use it? I'll use it, yeah. The penis enlarging kit? Yeah.
It comes with a DVD. Okay.
Do you have a DVD player? Okay. Well, we'll have to get you a DVD player.
Buy me a DVD player as well. But the results are guaranteed.
So we want you to use the penis enlarging kit. Okay.
Okay? Give me one, yeah. I do want you to use it though.
It does work. You feed your body, feed your penis, get your penis bigger.
Okay, I'll do it. Yes.
All right. Anyway, thank you for being- Let her take us out.
We actually have it on the soundboard. So all of us look into the camera and let her do it on the soundboard.
Go ahead. Smile big.
Thank you for being a bad friend. Perfect.
Perfect. That's so good.
Why is your fucking thumb blue? Is that like a David Cho thing? Shut up, man. It is, isn't it? It's David Cho.
This is the dumbest thing ever.

What is it then?

Why the fuck is your fingernail blue?

Because there's stuff on it, and I'm trying to cover it.

So you put nail polish on it?

Yeah.

Why?

Why don't you just leave it alone?

Because it's my body.

I can do whatever the fuck I want with it.

But why nail polish?

Because it was just sitting there.

I live with a bunch of girls.

Yeah.

All right.

I think we're losing you.

No.

You going to go Bruce Jenner, Caitlyn Jenner on you?

No.

Oh, I get a yellow one.

I get a yellow one?

Some things are on purpose.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Woo.
Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.