Bobby’s Stinky Little Secret

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Speaker 2 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 3 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends.

Speaker 2 Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 Ladies and gentlemen, gentlemen, before we start, Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 Look at this.

Speaker 2 I forgot it was in my travel bag,

Speaker 2 but there was a man who came to the show in Denver Comedy Works. Shout you out.

Speaker 2 He was a little frantic because he was drunk. He was wasted.
He was like,

Speaker 2 I love bad friends. And

Speaker 2 I give you something for Rudy. And so he gave me this to give to you.
Do you know who this is? That's from My Hero Academia. Academia is my favorite too.
My hysterectomy? What is that? Macadamia nut?

Speaker 2 My hysterectomy macadamia nut? Yeah. Yeah.
What is his power?

Speaker 2 He's like the strongest. He spreads new

Speaker 2 variants of COVID.

Speaker 2 New variants of COVID. Yeah.
CR124 come from him. Yeah.
He also looks like

Speaker 2 he mixes fentanyl in a lab. Right.
This is the fentanyl king.

Speaker 2 Snort it.

Speaker 2 This guy's great. What is his name?

Speaker 2 Midoria. Oh, Midori Sour.

Speaker 2 Good drink. All right.
I don't want to throw this to you because I don't want it to break, but I do want you to open it up so I can see it.

Speaker 2 Thank you to the fan that gave that. Look into your camera and thank that man.
Wikipedia. Thank you to the drunk man.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Wikipedia says, right? What do they say? The first 10 minutes of up is a montage.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you wrote that on Wikipedia. Yeah, I don't even know how to do that.

Speaker 2 No, I don't even know how to do that. You wrote that on Wikipedia.
How do I know? George, do you believe that I know how to do that?

Speaker 4 That is the only saving grace you have, sir.

Speaker 2 You know that I have no skills or tech wizardry to even do that. I

Speaker 2 paid someone to do that. No.

Speaker 2 That's how it goes. You sneaky little shark.

Speaker 2 Last night I was coming home late. I bought a box of Captain Crunch peanut butter.

Speaker 2 Yuck. Bro.
Good. So good.
I haven't had that in years. Bro.
And sliced up the roof of my mouth. I was bleeding while I was brushing my teeth.
It was worth it.

Speaker 2 What's the cinnamon? What's the cinnamon toast crunch? That thing fucks up the bottom of my. Yeah, it slices up your mouth.
It slices up my mouth. Love it.

Speaker 2 But I'm a big,

Speaker 2 the wheat thins guy. You like the wheat thins? I like the thick cubes with the frosting on one side.
Oh, no, that's frosted mini wheats.

Speaker 2 What's that called? Frosted mini wheats. I love frosted mini wheats, man.
They're my favorite. I like those because the milk soaks in the fucking thing.
I know. Yeah.

Speaker 2 When it gets soggy and they get heavy and fat,

Speaker 2 they get like fat and heavy. Yeah.
Like

Speaker 2 they got diabetes that they're going to give you. And then you pick it up out of the milk and it's falling over your spoon.
I love that.

Speaker 2 It reminds me of, because I have to shave my pubes because all the juice when I'm making love absorbs into my pubes like that.

Speaker 2 Right? So then like a day later, like I could squeeze the pubes and I can get a little bit of juice out. You don't just do that in the shower? You don't just shower it out? Nah.

Speaker 2 How thick is your jungle? Real good. No, but I I shaved it already.

Speaker 2 I shave it at the spa, yeah.

Speaker 2 So what I do is I'll.

Speaker 2 What? Yeah, you shave at the spa. They have razors in there.
Yeah, at the Korean spa, I get the razors, but the Korean men,

Speaker 2 they hate it. Why? Because I sit in.
Because there's two types. There's the shower, and then there's a Japanese-y kind of shower where you're sitting down on a plastic chair, a little plastic chair.

Speaker 2 Everybody shares the same plastic chair? No, there's six chairs around this kind of thing, right? Where it's a sit-down washing washing bath, right? Right?

Speaker 2 And I'll put, you know, shaving cream on my pubes. Yeah.
And I just start like shaving, and then the Korean men always walk by me and they go,

Speaker 2 you know, they'll say something. What is that? What's the word? Are you good? This son of a bitch.
You know what I mean? Dirty Korean. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Hey, we got invited to somebody's wedding. Who?

Speaker 2 Courtney and James.

Speaker 2 That's the loving couple right there. Let me see.
Courtney and James. Hold on.
It's

Speaker 2 Saturday, October 30th, 4 p.m.

Speaker 2 In Kentucky. There's no way.
What do you guys think? Do you want to go? I'm free. She's free? Should we do...
Wouldn't that be fun if us to just fly her out there? Just her? Just me? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's so funny. Can Andres come? Can Andres come? I don't know, because to be honest with you, he hasn't been here in...
Let's see. You don't know them.
Imagine. No, no, no, dude.
They're a fan.

Speaker 2 They sent it to us. They sent it to the Bad Friends crew, and they invited the whole crew to the wedding, I think.
I wonder what would that be like if we showed up to that wedding?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, we would run it. It would not be about, it certainly wouldn't be her special day, it'd be our day.
Well, you know what? Now we have to go. That's James, Courtney and James.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 I think we'll go. Courtney and James, we're going to be sending Rudy Jules to your wedding.

Speaker 2 Rudy Jules is going to go to Kentucky. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 What are you going to give them as a gift, Rudy?

Speaker 2 A rice cooker. Appropriate.

Speaker 2 That makes sense. Why? Why not? People love rice.
Yeah, but to them, it's going to be like, you just probably found it around your house. But what do you think they think she is?

Speaker 2 She shows up and they're like, the Mexican girl gave us a rice cooker. Yeah, that's definitely.
They'll go, hi, not a tortilla. You don't want to give us a tortell maker?

Speaker 2 I guarantee you if we put her in the middle. They probably think it's like an armadillo without the scales.

Speaker 2 They just ripped off the scales and the Rudy's showed up. Rudy, if we.
Did that hurt your your feelings? No. No.
Okay, make fun of me now. Go.

Speaker 2 Come on.

Speaker 2 No, I can't. No, just shame me right now.
I want you to learn because I want you to survive in the world. Go ahead.
You got to shame me. Shame me.
I shamed you.

Speaker 2 I called you an armadillo without scales.

Speaker 2 Um.

Speaker 2 You don't have eyebrows.

Speaker 2 Oh, burn. Oh, I'm not going to be able to sleep for a week.
All right, well, take that. Okay, so use the idea that you know he doesn't have eyebrows.
Just okay, but make up something about that.

Speaker 2 Like, use that for the joke. That's not the joke, but use that.

Speaker 2 I don't know how to make a joke. All right.

Speaker 2 We'll teach you.

Speaker 2 Your eyebrows are, you know what your eyebrows look like? They look like what? What's mean that looks thin

Speaker 2 and almost not that? You know, aside from that, right? Why don't you try something where just I know that you're a nice person,

Speaker 2 but

Speaker 2 say something that you think is going to really hurt my feelings, yeah,

Speaker 2 right? And I think that's where you should go, me too, right? So say something that's you think that's really gonna hurt my feelings, but I'm okay with it.

Speaker 2 So just try. Go ahead.
I can't. Yes, you can.
What would hurt my feelings? Go ahead.

Speaker 2 You look

Speaker 2 like

Speaker 2 an old there. We go

Speaker 2 fat.

Speaker 2 There we go. I love it.

Speaker 2 Warmer.

Speaker 2 Getting warmer.

Speaker 2 Stupid.

Speaker 2 That's good.

Speaker 2 It's hurting.

Speaker 2 It's working. Warmer.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, stop.

Speaker 2 Stop.

Speaker 2 First of all,

Speaker 2 she win. That is.
She took an angle. That's not what I meant, but...
That's what I meant. I know that's what you meant, but that was great.
Okay.

Speaker 2 That was...

Speaker 2 I look like an old, fat, stupid.

Speaker 2 You know, if somebody said that at a roast, right? Yeah. I would be mad.
But it'd have to be that slow. It'd have to be that slow.
Yeah. Right.
You say it outright, it's just not that good.

Speaker 2 It's the balance of everything that she did. That's really amazing.
Now, I want people to listen at home, right?

Speaker 2 She was forced to say that. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
And, you know, she was cornered. Yeah, we bullied her like an animal.
We bullied her. And we bullied her to say that.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 She didn't have a choice. And it hurt.
It did. But I'm proud of you.
Proud of you, Rudy. Inner Rudy.
Did that feel bad saying it? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It did? Oh.

Speaker 2 It didn't feel good a little bit. Just a little bit.
No.

Speaker 2 Really? It's mean.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's true. It is, but it's fun.

Speaker 2 I know. Why is that fun? Because mean stuff is fun.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's because it's all in good fun. You don't really mean it.
Yeah, I was at, you know, I forget that, like, when you're around comedians, you can say certain things.

Speaker 2 But I made the mistake one time of making fun of a guy that was in line.

Speaker 2 So I was opening for Carlos Mancia at the Ice House, and a guy was in line.

Speaker 2 And he,

Speaker 2 I literally thought he was making a face.

Speaker 2 Right? So we standing in line like this.

Speaker 2 Like that, right? And I walked up to him and went, hey,

Speaker 2 like I see him. And he goes,

Speaker 2 and it was. Oh, it was his face.
It was his face.

Speaker 2 And I went, oh, fuck. What do you say to that? Nothing.
I just walked out. Yeah, keep going.
Yeah, you got to keep going. He's still a fan.
He's listening to us right now.

Speaker 2 He's like, I love you anyway.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Tell everybody what you said to

Speaker 2 somebody's son at the comedy store.

Speaker 2 How do you know about that? You told me.

Speaker 2 You walked into the green room of the main room. Oh, yeah.
So

Speaker 2 I feel so bad about it. It was very funny to me.
It was not.

Speaker 2 Me and Tom Papa were laughing. I know.
So

Speaker 2 I'm standing there with Shane Gillis

Speaker 2 and Tim Dylan, and we're in the parking lot.

Speaker 2 And Sherry Shepard, if you don't know Sherry Shepard, she was on The View. Very funny.
Very funny lady. I've known her for 25 years.
We've always been friends. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she has her son. So she comes up to me and goes, and she is wearing her mask.

Speaker 2 So she has to say out loud, hey, it's Sherry Shepherd, because it's like, I mean, I would already have known who she was. It's either her or, you know,

Speaker 2 so I give Sherry a hug. We have our masks on, right? And her son's wearing a mask, and he's a shorter black guy.
And I go, young, he's like, he's 14 years old. Yeah, he's a young boy.

Speaker 2 So I go, what's up, Kevin Hart?

Speaker 2 Right. And he does this.

Speaker 2 He, like, tenses up. He tenses up like this.
And then she immediately goes, Well, he's 14. He hasn't been in the club before.
You know what I mean? She's trying to, like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And they kind of walk away.

Speaker 2 And I look at Tim. I'm blushing.
Oh, yeah. And look at Tim and Shannon go.
And they're like,

Speaker 2 wrong thing to say, man.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Wrong to the.
And I, I, till this day, I don't, I don't feel like that. That's a bad thing.
You just, what you just said was, hey, short black guy.

Speaker 2 That's true.

Speaker 2 That's what I said.

Speaker 2 But I thought, I honestly thought, right, that you know how, because when you see a comic,

Speaker 2 you see someone like Faihim Anwar is perfect. So Femi, Faheem Anwar will always be around guys I've never seen before, but you just make this assumption that they're either writers

Speaker 2 or a comedian. Yeah, it's fucking 10:30 on a school night.
Yeah. So in your head, you're like, he should be in bed.
So you're just crossing off these things in your head really quickly.

Speaker 2 That can't be that. That can't be that.
It's got to be a guy. It's got to be a comedian or her boyfriend.
I don't know. I don't know what her situation Well, in the mask, I couldn't tell.

Speaker 2 He kind of looked 14. Okay.

Speaker 2 So I threw it out there. And

Speaker 2 it reminded me of the fucking thing I did at the Lake. The Life Face.
No, the river

Speaker 2 in Budapest. Wow.
Where I was with Cheyenne and those guys.

Speaker 2 I told you that story on this podcast. What?

Speaker 2 Oh, I never told you that story? I don't think so. Well, the first day I was there, just real quick, I was there.
I get a letter from Jamie Lee Curtis saying, tomorrow, meet me at noon.

Speaker 2 So I don't know anybody, so we're having lunch. And Jamie Lee Curtis, I'm with this guy named Cheyenne Jackson and Pen Teller,

Speaker 2 Pen Jillette. Yeah.
And they're, and Mary and Jamie Lee Curtis goes, we're going to go by the river. I want to show you something.
See, we go to the river. Do you know the story?

Speaker 2 Y'all want to see a dead body?

Speaker 2 Yeah. So we go to the river, and along the side of the river, there's these little bronze shoes.
And they're like kind of cemented into the side. And there's probably 60 of them, pairs.

Speaker 2 And back in

Speaker 2 during the Holocaust,

Speaker 2 Hitler and his gang, his boys, his boys, they just lined up Jews on the side of the river and shot them and they threw them over the river, right? Which is really sad. Yeah, sad.
And

Speaker 2 then

Speaker 2 Jamie Lee and Cheyenne and a bunch of people are around these pair of shoes that were like a little boy's pair of shoes.

Speaker 2 And Cheyenne goes, oh my God, because he has a son that's young.

Speaker 2 And he goes,

Speaker 2 a little boy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I go, as loud as I can,

Speaker 2 it could have been a midget.

Speaker 2 And then the group, they don't know me.

Speaker 2 I had one lunch with them.

Speaker 2 They all collectively turned their backs on me

Speaker 2 and walked away. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm still staring at the shoes. Trying to figure out if it was a midget or not? No, no, no.
Trying to figure out what in God's green earth I was thinking about saying that. I mean, it's funny.

Speaker 2 I understand that if I was with a bunch of comics, would have worked. I think it would have worked.
Crushed.

Speaker 2 But around actors, and especially people who were like emotional and crying, I was just like, yeah, you read it wrong.

Speaker 2 Did I read it wrong? A little bit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you think I read it wrong. Yeah, a little bit.
Okay, well, that's, you know. But you got to try.
No, you don't. Because then what happened after that is there was 12 times.

Speaker 2 I was there for like a month and a half. Yeah.
12 times where I stopped myself. From making jokes.
From making a fucked up joke. Were there no other comics there at all?

Speaker 2 No, like I would have lunch with all these people, right? And it would be a window and my gut would go, now,

Speaker 2 right? Your gut just goes, this is it. Say it.
And my body just went, no. You can't.

Speaker 2 And so now everyone on the show now thinks I'm kind of like a clean comic or a nice guy because I'd show up on time, smile. Yeah, but they don't know.
Maybe you're friendly. What? They know.

Speaker 2 I think maybe deep down they don't.

Speaker 2 They can feel that you have that dark sense of humor.

Speaker 2 I don't even see it as a dark sound. It's not dark, but it's just raw.

Speaker 2 It's not even raw. It's just like the way I survived as a kid.
Yeah. You know what I mean? People would attack me

Speaker 2 physically or whatever, and I would defend myself by saying the most fucked up thing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And that's just the way. That's kind of what comedy is a little bit.
I guess, but it's like,

Speaker 2 I should just know better.

Speaker 2 You live, you learn. I mean, look, dude, you're a young guy.
I'm 50. in

Speaker 2 fuck you, you asshole.

Speaker 2 I'm 50 in

Speaker 2 a month. One month, a month.
A month. No,

Speaker 2 three weeks. Two weeks.
Next Friday. Next week.

Speaker 2 Yeah, next week. I forgot what it is.
Yeah, next September. Yeah, next Friday, I am.
Oh, yeah. Speaking of which, look at this.
What does that say? I feel like we're all much closer, bad friends.

Speaker 2 Now that Bobby has flaked on all of us now,

Speaker 2 we know he does it to his closest friends. It's good to know he does it to his bad friends.
Oof, and the Reddit thread. Bobby's birthday party is canceled.
Well, it's not our fault.

Speaker 2 It's not Bobby's fault. What are you supposed to do? Well, why'd you even show me that? I don't have control.
It's so hurtful. Hey, fuckface, why'd you show me that? That hurts me.

Speaker 2 Well, it was a good segue from me talking about. I know, but I just want to apologize to people, but it was because of the Delta and all that stuff.
No, it's not Delta, it's a new one. Moo.

Speaker 2 Moo, the Moo Virus. Is it Moo? What is it called? MU.
Yeah, the Moo virus, yeah. Moo, Mu.
But they don't know, like, it's, it sounds scarier. Moo virus.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, doesn't it?

Speaker 2 Coming to theaters this fall. Right? The moo virus, yeah, move over like the book.

Speaker 2 The movie before that was like a Disney Delta, yeah, welcome to Disney Delta virus, yeah, yeah, but ooh, they went darker. This is this is really dark, yeah, and the next one will be like an A24 film.

Speaker 2 It'll be like really subversive and weird and off, and people who get it will like lose a limb, like your like your eyeball will just fall out of your fucking head.

Speaker 2 Yeah, nether the nether nether world, the nether virus, the nether virus, yeah, yeah,

Speaker 2 nether presented by A24, yeah, The nether virus. And you have to double mask.
Triple mask. Triple mask.
Six vaccines. And you can only 69.
Yeah. You have to 69.

Speaker 2 That's the only way you're allowed to sex with people. Yeah.
Genitals can't touch genitals anymore. Only genitals to mouth.
That's how you fight the nether virus.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 it's constantly going to mutate. Yes, it's never going to go away.
But are they going to get worse, these mutations? Yes, we're fucked.

Speaker 2 We are fucked up. We're never gonna get away from it.
No, we're gonna die. Everyone will die.
Everyone's gonna get it, though. Everyone will get it.
Yeah. A version of it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I cannot wait for you guys to get it.

Speaker 2 Why? I can't wait. Because you gotta experience it, dude.
You know, you went through it already. Yeah, you gotta live it.
You gotta do it.

Speaker 2 You're acting like it's like a ride at Magic Mountain or something. It's a rite of passage.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, did you ride the new fucking blue virus? I waited in line. Yeah, yeah.
Trying to get the fucking skip pass to get up to the. No, I feel like it is a rite of passage somehow, some way.

Speaker 2 You know what we got to do, you and I, when, when, when, um, when you guys get it? No, when um, amusement parks are open. Oh, let's go.
But she has never been. No, she has.

Speaker 2 She just won't go on them because of fear. A fear of what? So many times we had to go.
I'm falling. You're not going to fall.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? I'm just scared. Dude, when's the last time an accident happened at an amusement park? Probably 50 years ago.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Last accident at amusement park. Rudy, it's got to be so long ago before the technology.

Speaker 2 Three months. Three months ago.

Speaker 2 Three months ago?

Speaker 2 Three months ago? No, look down. Yeah, what? List of amusement park accidents in the United States.
Yeah, but when they have a list like that on Wikipedia or whatever, right? It can't be a lot.

Speaker 2 What's the biggest fear? Upside down? You don't want to go upside down? Yeah. In case you slip out? Yeah.
That thing was. Has someone ever diarrhea?

Speaker 2 Oh, I diarrhea every time. Has someone ever diarrhea? I mean, yeah, Bobby squirts a little bit, but I mean, you mean has someone had like a real bad diarrhea accident? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Has someone shit on a roller coaster? Perfect.

Speaker 2 Did a tourist get diarrhea on a roller coaster and splash 14 people? Wow. Wow.

Speaker 2 I mean, kudos to the ability.

Speaker 2 Would you be mad? Reports of a tour. I'd be like, 14 of us got it.
That's impressive. No, bro.

Speaker 2 Imagine the ride's over, you have shit all over your face.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Well, you would do that because of the photo.
Yeah. They always do a photo, so you're like, I know I have diarrhea in my face, but I don't want to wait back in that line.

Speaker 2 So I'm going to go, hey, you do the face. I don't know.
If we do send you to Kentucky for the wedding, Andres can't go because he's busy. Look at this picture of this guy, by the way.

Speaker 2 Go to Andres' page. Look at this, dude.
Who the fuck does this guy think he is? This fucking soft. Andres Rosende Novo.
Novo. Director of the Quinnipec Los Angeles program.

Speaker 2 Born in Spain, raised in Los Angeles.

Speaker 2 Look at him. Andres has directed multiple successful short films that have played in more than 200 film festivals.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Look at it. Oh, my God.
He won the International Award, including the DJA for Best Latin Short. But he is a talented guy.

Speaker 2 Andres also produces the hit podcast Bad Friends starring comedians Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino. Is that real? You just say that.

Speaker 2 Andrew also produced the hit

Speaker 2 Andres

Speaker 2 starring comedian Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino. Interesting.
George is not on there. George is not on there.
Oh, my God. Oh, how does that feel?

Speaker 2 Is he the sole producer?

Speaker 4 I mean, it feels like betrayal. That's what it feels like.

Speaker 2 I know, but George, who's the executive producer of Bad Friends? Uh, me and Bryce, Andreas Rosende Novo. It's Andreas, according to this.

Speaker 4 According to this article, yeah, he's using me just for now, more about clout for his regular job, too.

Speaker 2 Pete, zoom in on that face. Look at his smug little smile.
Yeah, look at that. Just pinch it.
Look at that. Look at that.
Oh, yes. Hello.
I am the sole producer of Bet Friends. And look at his lips.

Speaker 2 When has it ever been that color? Never.

Speaker 2 When this dude put gloss lips on his fucking lips and stuff. And he even painted a little bit of facial hair, which I think was cool.
Yeah. He can't grow that.
But you know what he is wearing?

Speaker 2 Those shitty fucking European shirts he wears. Yeah, you hate it.
Look at that. Look at the inner lining of it.
I know. Flowers.

Speaker 2 The more patterns, the more expensive, bud. Oh, but he's cute there.
He is a little babe. Yeah, yeah.
We miss our little Andres. Yeah, where is he?

Speaker 4 He's out

Speaker 4 east doing a thing for the school.

Speaker 2 He's like teaching something in school.

Speaker 2 Good for him. BetterHelp.
Oh my God, Andrew, BetterHelp is something that I, a service that I partake in, and it's really helped me. I'm going to ask you a question, Andrew.

Speaker 2 Is there something interfering with your happiness or is it preventing you from achieving your goals? Is there? Yes, actually. Well, then, BetterHelp is for you, my friend.
Thank you very much.

Speaker 2 I start communicating in under 48 hours. We both use BetterHelp.
All joking aside. It's not a crisis line, guys.
It's just not self-help. It is professional counseling done securely online.

Speaker 2 There's a broad range of expertise available, which may not be locally available in many areas, but the service is available for clients all over the world.

Speaker 2 You can log into your account anytime and send a message to your counselor. Yep, you can.
You've got timely and thoughtful responses. You can schedule weekly or video phone sessions.

Speaker 2 You won't ever have to sit in an uncomfortable way. It's fast, guys.
You guys have to do this. We do recommend therapy.
It's a little bit cheaper than traditional therapy.

Speaker 2 And I think if you're looking to talk to somebody, BetterHelp is the way to do it. Visit.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. Yeah, go ahead.
Visit betterhelp.com slash bad friends.

Speaker 2 That's better H-E-L-P and join the over 1 million people who have taken charge of the mental help with the help of an experienced professional. Also, visit their website and read their testimonials.

Speaker 2 They're posted daily. Yeah, you can see them right there at betterhelp.com slash reviews.

Speaker 2 In fact, so many people have been using it. They're recruiting additional counselors in all 50 states.
This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp and Bad Friends.

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Speaker 2 Tough day in history. The Robert E.
Lee statue was removed from Virginia. Your great, great, great, grandfather, wait, great, great, great-grandfather, Robert E.

Speaker 2 Lee, his statue was removed from Virginia Street. They took it down.
Yeah, it's funny because it's like people make these jokes on Twitter and stuff going, you know,

Speaker 2 how dare you put Bobby Lee Live's statue down? What it's just, number one, we don't share the same middle name. His name is Robert.
My name is Bobby. He's white, and I'm fucking a fat Asian guy.

Speaker 2 I mean, how does it? I still think you might have some blood. You think so? Your principles are similar.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? What name means some of his principles?

Speaker 2 He was again, he was pro-slavery. Czech.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Check. Go ahead.
He was pro-railroads and the Asians. Check.

Speaker 2 And he was pro

Speaker 2 like pillaging and raping. Check.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Don't even have to finish that. Check.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You're the same.
You're just like Robert E. Lee, but they tore down his statue.
Oh, that's bad. I'd be people bummed.
I think certain groups of groups of people are very bummed.

Speaker 2 This is the problem with me. I'm not, I don't, statues are really...
Who gives a fuck? I'm really who gives a fuck guy. Yeah, there's two things I hate.
Statues or I don't give a fuck. You know also?

Speaker 2 fountains, yeah, what the fuck? Yeah, look at our fountain, look at all this water. Yeah, I hate it.
We're showing off the third world countries. That's all that is.

Speaker 2 It's like a middle finger to the third world country. My mother, look at all this moving water.

Speaker 2 We used to go to this mall, and there was a fountain in the middle of this mall.

Speaker 2 And I went to the bathroom, I came back, and my mom had

Speaker 2 taken her pants

Speaker 2 and rolled it all the way up to her fucking ankles. And she's waiting in the fucking, the fucking fountain.
And I remember as even as a kid going, like, you're not supposed to do that?

Speaker 2 Like, who does that? It's not for that. Is it though? In her Korean mind, she's like picking up the pennies.
Yeah. Yeah.
Like, look out the money I have. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 It's like all these wishes going away. You know what I mean? Yeah, but she's getting all the wishes.
That's the original dreamcatcher. Yeah, my mom used to do that.
With the wish stealer.

Speaker 2 She also used to sleep just on the floor. Yeah, it's so good for your back.
Like in the

Speaker 2 middle of the mall. Oh, what? Yeah.
When you're out at the mall? Yeah, she would just sleep,

Speaker 2 take a nap in the middle of a fucking mall.

Speaker 2 It was so embarrassing. Like, she doesn't know the rules.
Were you with friends when this happened? No, no, no. I didn't have friends then.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah, they don't have.

Speaker 2 My dad used to be with golf clubs. No, we know, we know, but you're...
Seriously.

Speaker 2 Your mom would just lay down in the middle of the mall and take a nap? Yeah, yeah. My mom backhanded me once.

Speaker 2 I was dropped off at a I went to a camp,

Speaker 2 right? Concentration? No, summer. Oh.
Yeah. We applied for a concentration.
Didn't get accepted. She needed more focus.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I remember

Speaker 2 the yellow bus coming back to the school to drop us off. We'd gone for two months.
And all the parents are there. How big was the bus? It was a little kind.
Is that a problem?

Speaker 2 No, it just wasn't a problem. I had to wear a helmet.

Speaker 2 Is that weird? Bobby! Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I remember the kids would get off the bus and their parents would be so happy to see them.

Speaker 2 And they would pick the kids up, kiss them. You know what I mean, this and that.
I don't know why I did this, but when I saw my mom, she goes, Bobby, I pushed her.

Speaker 2 You pushed her out of your way. Pushed her out of the way.
Because I thought it was embarrassing. Oh, yeah.
Well, how old were you?

Speaker 2 Nine. Yeah, that's that age.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I remember on the car ride home, she backhanded me 25 times. In the car? Yeah, yeah.
Just pop as hard as you could, by the way.

Speaker 2 But while she's driving, yeah, while she's driving drops, the fact that parents could be like, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, still be able to drive like 25 times.

Speaker 2 Wow, and I remember looking at the rear view view, what that was on the window on the mirror, the rear, oh no, the side mirror, the side mirror.

Speaker 2 And I remember looking at my face, it was just like bleeding, and I had like fucking think my mom's finger like marks on my face. But you deserved it, didn't you?

Speaker 2 I think I did.

Speaker 2 I think that, I think that

Speaker 2 another time my mom another time my mom we were gonna go to an amusement park and I was at my cousin Andy's house and I said get me these pants because I was I spent the night at my cousin Andy's house and she was gonna pick us up and she didn't get the same the pants that I wanted right and I go fuck you mom this and that what and we ended up not going yeah no shit yeah you don't have to say

Speaker 2 how old were you though

Speaker 2 11 and you were saying fuck you to your mom Yeah. Bad boy.
Yeah. You deserve to get hit.
I was a bad kid. But you squared off.
It worked out somehow. What do you mean? Well, you're fine.

Speaker 2 You're not a bad person.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but

Speaker 2 you didn't do weird things growing up? A lot of weird shit growing up. Yeah.
But mine was always like,

Speaker 2 we got in trouble for like stealing stuff.

Speaker 2 We got in trouble for...

Speaker 2 fights or or like

Speaker 2 I brought a gun to school

Speaker 2 and that guy got in trouble for that. Yeah, yeah.
That was bad. This is preschool shooting.
Like, if you and I, it wasn't a real gun.

Speaker 2 If you and I were, like, friends back then,

Speaker 2 and we got drunk in a tent,

Speaker 2 right? Do you think we'd be getting a fist fight? We'd probably do some gay shit.

Speaker 2 If you and I were drunk in a tent, we'd probably do some gay shit. That's exactly what I wanted to hear.
We would do gay shit today. Yeah.
If you really. We can't go gay again on this fucking podcast.

Speaker 2 We always go gay. That's what this show is.
Exactly. So let's talk about it.
We're in the tent.

Speaker 2 We're in the tent.

Speaker 2 But you did, you aren't, you did experimental gay stuff when you were a kid. Did you ever have a circle jerk?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I remember. Were you jerked off?

Speaker 2 I can't say names, but I remember my parents were going out of town. They were going to San Francisco.

Speaker 2 And I remember that night I called my friend Alan.

Speaker 2 You're like, I'm not going to say names right away. Yeah, but he didn't do anything.

Speaker 2 There's other people that he didn't do anything. Alan just watched.

Speaker 2 i don't know where alan went right but he didn't do anything he's just hiding behind the couch

Speaker 2 but we had a bunch of people

Speaker 2 and somebody brought over a vhss tape of a porn

Speaker 2 and but we also got my dad it was alcoholic so he had a wine like a liquor you know what i mean uh in the cabinet yeah in the living room

Speaker 2 with shots of whiskey and stuff like that next i next next thing i know we're all in each other no we're not each other but we're all kind of jerking off like somebody just pulled it out and they said...

Speaker 2 You didn't even get like a blanket? No, we just all just started doing it. Got to get a blanket, but and then I blew, then I blacked out.

Speaker 2 It's coming so much? No, I don't know. I don't know what happened, but this is, I distinctly remember.
Five in the morning.

Speaker 2 So you have my bedroom, right?

Speaker 2 And when you walk out my bedroom, if you take a left and a quick right, is where the washer and dryer is, but also there's a bathroom to the left.

Speaker 2 And if you open the up the door, there's a fucking pool. Okay.
Somebody Somebody please draw that. So,

Speaker 2 in the bathroom to my left, I hear something,

Speaker 2 right? And I'm kind of sobered up a little bit. I'm kind of wandering the house, and I see a figure,

Speaker 2 one figure, right?

Speaker 2 It's a fucking shower, right? So, I open up the shower, and it's a friend of mine. He looks, he locks eyes with me.
He's completely naked, right?

Speaker 2 His penis is erect,

Speaker 2 right? And he looks at me, and he says something that

Speaker 2 anywhere I want to get a laugh or a giggle. And I don't know why it was funny to me.
Right.

Speaker 2 But instead of going, you know, wait, if I'm naked and I'm in a fucking shower and you open the door, I'm going to cover up. That's not what this fool did.
Maybe. I don't know.

Speaker 2 This fool looks at me, locks eyes, and he goes,

Speaker 2 I can't come.

Speaker 2 That poor guy. That's what he said to me.
That poor guy. And I remember closing it, right, and going back to my bedroom.
Sorry. And I remember like giggling, right? Going, how long was he in there?

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? For four hours, right? I don't know.

Speaker 2 I can't come. I can't come.
Yeah. You didn't help him or nothing or all that? No, I just went right to my fucking business.
It'd be so funny if he was like, I can't come. And you're like,

Speaker 2 yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Boys do just such gross shit because we're such horny weirdos. Yeah, we're weirdos.
One time I rode my bike home.

Speaker 2 I was riding my bike home and the way my balls were rubbing on the seat, I got a boner on the bike ride home. Yeah.
And I pulled over behind this shed, and I just jerked off. Yeah.
Just outside. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I had to.

Speaker 2 It was like dusk, and it was like near a field. I just jerked off near a field.
And the shame that you feel, the moment that you're done,

Speaker 2 you just want to jump into a fucking hole and disappear. Yeah.
I don't know why the universe makes you feel bad after you come. It makes you, I know.
What is it? Because you just, everyone's dead?

Speaker 2 I think it's because it's like you're doing something animalistic, right?

Speaker 2 And there is an empty,

Speaker 2 when you unload, there is an, I think, a physiological thing that goes on within the body where it's like, there's an emptiness, or you just know that it's out of you. It's gone.

Speaker 2 And the desire, I think God made it that way. Yeah.
So that you're not constantly.

Speaker 2 But you still are constantly doing it. Yeah, but yeah, I guess, yeah, you're right.
As a young guy, I can probably do it two or three times. In a day?

Speaker 2 In a row, maybe. What? Dude, if I was 16 and you put a hot chick in front of me, I could do it probably four times

Speaker 2 in a row. I could do two, maybe.

Speaker 2 Dude, imagine a supermodel. A supermodel.
Right.

Speaker 2 And I'm 16. Imagine, right? I see it.
I've never seen a naked body before.

Speaker 2 And it would be like... I would do it three or four times.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I guess that's possible.

Speaker 2 Did you ever attend when you masturbated and nothing nothing came out?

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 talk about 50. The other night, I

Speaker 2 close your ears.

Speaker 2 She's not even here. So I talked to my girlfriend, my therapist with my girlfriend yesterday,

Speaker 2 and I'm going to reveal something that I've never revealed to anyone before.

Speaker 2 I feel like my age has caught up to my

Speaker 2 sexual drive? Sexual drive. Oh, man.
Yeah. Do you not want to have sex at all? I can feel it.
No, it's just like certain things like

Speaker 2 before, if I was at the comedy store and I see a group of girls walking in, let's say where they're wearing summer dresses or skirts. I love summer dresses.
And they're just,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? They're just like,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? You're going to laugh. And they do twirls.

Speaker 2 They just do a twirl in the dress. It's kind of the.
I love comedy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that happens all the time. And before I'd be like, I would do a memorization

Speaker 2 of what she looked like. Of what they wore, their smell.
I'd just get, you know, certain things. Right.
And then later in the night, right, I would probably jerk off to that, right? Okay.

Speaker 2 Now it's like,

Speaker 2 like, I'll literally do three steps back and be,

Speaker 2 I'll be sick. Why?

Speaker 2 Because I just know, number one,

Speaker 2 even if I was single, they would have no interest in me because I'm old now, right?

Speaker 2 And it's just like, I don't want to deal with the voices and their opinions. Okay, but even with the person you love, you still don't want to have sex.
No, I do.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, but it's like I can see my body

Speaker 2 not doing it. So I think I need to be on something.
Testosterone. Maybe.
Should we get you some tea on the show? I think I need testosterone. Let's get you some testosterone on the show.
Because

Speaker 2 I can feel it zapping away. Does your penis not stay hard anymore? It also does something weird, and I don't even know if I should talk about it on this.
Please.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 You know when a penis is uncircumcised? I sure do. Are you?

Speaker 2 No. So the skin around my penis,

Speaker 2 the loose skin around the head is now so loose. The sleeve? The sleeve, right? That it...
It's a long sleeve now? It swallows the head. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And if I don't constantly untuck it, right?

Speaker 2 A smell occurs. Oh, boy.
Yeah, like a cheesy smell. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You got to clean it, bud. I know, but it's like, I'm circumcised.
So I don't know how to do it. Wait, what?

Speaker 2 You're circumcised. Yeah.
And you still have sleep skin? Now, because the fucking skin around my shaft is so loose. Oh, no.
It's now wrapping over your head. Wrapping over my head.

Speaker 2 That's what I'm saying. I've never heard this in the history of anything.
Well, I'm telling you, it's happening.

Speaker 2 Like, if I pull my penis out right now, it'll be wrapped. It's wrapped around the head.
Yeah. I mean, it's keeping it warm.

Speaker 2 No, it's just that maybe I've played with it so so much that the skin's just like, ooh.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? We're not trying. You know what I mean? That's so sad.
It's so sad. So now I'm getting this like cheesy smell out of it.

Speaker 2 What do you mean?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Please let me spread it on a cracker.

Speaker 2 So now constantly on stage, I did it last night.

Speaker 2 What? Where I have a technique now. Well, there's two things I've been doing.

Speaker 2 I shouldn't be.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Okay.
So last night I did it on stage without even, and there was a packed room. I took my two fingers like this.
I stuck it on my pants, and I just.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? What? Yeah, I went.

Speaker 2 To show people? No. No, I just

Speaker 2 to adjust. To adjust it because I could see it being engulfed.
Yeah. And I'm sweating on stage.
I don't want it to smell.

Speaker 2 That's why Bad Friends is excited to announce sleeve backs. Sleeve backs.
Pin back your penis skin.

Speaker 2 But here's the second thing I've been doing. Yeah.
I was trying this, and it was working, but then it's like I was suffocating my penis. Oh, he couldn't breathe.

Speaker 2 So what I was doing was my girlfriend's headband, you know, the little thin,

Speaker 2 where they put tone.

Speaker 2 Hair tie.

Speaker 2 So I've been doubling up the hair tie and stinging it between the head and the shaft. Get the fuck out of here.
No. You're really doing this? I'm doing this.
Well, then we need sleeve backs. Right.

Speaker 2 So then, but it's getting so tight that it's cutting off. It's suffocated.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, right. And it's turning all purple and like not getting any blood.
You know, it's getting too much blood or something. It's already purple, there's no doubt.
Right, right.

Speaker 2 So it's like, I'm like, I don't think that's the right way. You got to let it.
We got to invent a.

Speaker 2 Maybe add like a sweater or something. If there's any guys out there that have this problem, please write into the Bad Friends show because we can help you.
Maybe you can create a product.

Speaker 2 Cosby sweater.

Speaker 2 Imagine.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? That type of style. 80s.
Like a coochie sweater. And just put it around the thing so that

Speaker 2 his head is constantly. Yeah, you know, I need something.
But we got to make little little arms coming out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Imagine us pitching this

Speaker 2 in the hand, a little pudding pop. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.

Speaker 2 Welcome to Shark Tank.

Speaker 2 Hello, sharks. Today we have an investment.

Speaker 2 Today, we have an investment for you.

Speaker 2 We'd like $10 million for 2% of our company.

Speaker 2 Sleeve backs. Hi.
Sweaters, sweatshirts to pull back the loose skin on your penis. Bobby? Yeah, I'm CEO Bobby Lee.
Hi.

Speaker 2 So I'm 50 and I'm

Speaker 2 a fat Asian.

Speaker 2 And, you know, as you know, when you're a fat Asian, right, you masturbate a lot. Yeah.
Right. And then you also have to do a lot of tugging down there, if I may say.
Cut to Mark Cuban.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Nodding.

Speaker 2 And so,

Speaker 2 and what I realized through time, right, that the skin around in the shaft area droops. It droops.
Oh,

Speaker 2 right. go, yeah,

Speaker 2 Lori's writing it down. Writing it down right, yeah, droops, penis skin.
So, what occurs, you know what I mean, um, is that the skin engulfs the head, good word, right?

Speaker 2 Right, that's a good word, right? We'll show a slide of it, right? Engulf. We just show it, we just were showing it happening, right?

Speaker 2 And maybe we'll show, like, in Star Wars, you know, that creature, you know what I mean, that sticks his head out of the dirt sand, you know what I mean? And then we'll put it in reverse or something.

Speaker 2 Yeah, maybe reverse, yeah, I don't know, something like that, right?

Speaker 2 And then we might have to get the rights or something.

Speaker 2 We'll borrow it, We'll borrow it, right?

Speaker 2 So anyway, a cheese.

Speaker 2 You guys like cheese? Yeah.

Speaker 2 We have some samples. No, I mean, gorgonzola.

Speaker 2 And they're like, yeah. Imagine that, but 10 times worse.
Oh, no. Yeah.
Around the head of the pee-pee. We've got a solution.
Yeah. Bobby? Yeah.
Show him what it looks like.

Speaker 2 You'll pull your penis out. He'll be wearing the Cosby sweater.

Speaker 2 Right. Then Mark Cuban would be like, why the Cosby sweater?

Speaker 2 And then it's like, well, it's fashion.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's fashion. But it's fashion, Mark Cuban.
Yeah, it's math. There's different.
No, we have different eras. Yeah, that's the.
We have a gold one that's like sparkly for the 70s. Right.
Right.

Speaker 2 Disco.

Speaker 2 Disco dick. We even have a Michael Jackson glove.
Right. Michael Jackson glove, right? And then we also have,

Speaker 2 what else do we have? Hip-hop. Oh, hip-hop.
Yeah, we have.

Speaker 2 It's a hoodie. It's a hoodie.
And notice the little chain around the, you know, a gold chain around the, you know,

Speaker 2 something like that. Would you think they'll buy this? What do you think, sharks?

Speaker 2 Well, by that time. Is she a shark?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, what do you think, sharks? Sharks, what do you think?

Speaker 2 Can it have a Harry Styles

Speaker 2 shark? You bet.

Speaker 2 You bet. You bet.
You bet. You bet.
In fact, we have Harry Styles here.

Speaker 2 Harry comes out, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah. And he has like a watermelon, like a watermelon sweater.
Wearing his own. Yeah, his own thing.
So will you buy it? Yes.

Speaker 2 Easy money. Yeah, but you don't have to deal with it because you're in your 30s still.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just almost over, though. I know.

Speaker 2 But when you're 50. Yeah, loose penis skin is not a when you're 50, it'll happen.
I feel like you don't try, believe me. Can I show you? Yeah, but Rudy can't be in the room.
Yeah, get out of the room.

Speaker 2 Get out.

Speaker 2 Let me see what it looks like when it's hiding. Bespoke post.
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Speaker 2 There's funky, fun things in there.

Speaker 2 There's knives for Rudy. There's kitchen tools.
I like the bar setup stuff.

Speaker 2 Scarves. They have little tents.
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Speaker 2 Let me see what it looks like when it's hiding. Let me see.
I didn't even touch it.

Speaker 3 Holy shit.

Speaker 2 That's so weird. So weird.

Speaker 2 It's engulfing your whole penis. I know.

Speaker 2 I've never, ever seen that. I'm not exaggerating for the sake of the show.
I've never seen that before. Did you see me talk? I didn't tuck it in there.
Nothing. Nothing.
It's its natural state.

Speaker 2 You need to go to the doctor about that. I have a lot of things I have to see the doctor about.

Speaker 2 There's like six things. Are we doing your teeth? That's even, that's eighth.
I mean, I got to do it. You're not going to go to the.
I thought we got to go back to the dentist soon, no?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but sorry. Sorry.
It's fine. Yeah, but I have a list of six things, so I got to figure it out.
I'm getting older, so it's the scariest thing I've ever seen, I'm not going to lie. Why?

Speaker 2 It doesn't hurt. No, but it looks like it's wrong.

Speaker 2 It's definitely wrong. It's wrong.
It's not right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like somebody drew it, and you were like, that's wrong. Yeah, that's wrong.
Something's wrong. Yeah, something's definitely wrong there.
I got to untuck. Yeah, untuck it right now.

Speaker 2 Two fingers and pull. Yeah, pull.
I'm going to show you one of my favorite videos on the internet. Show him.
Show him Ferrari. Look at this guy.
Talk about overcoming adversity, this guy.

Speaker 5 My dear fragrance army, Jeremy Fragrance here, that purchased his Ferrari in cash after being in a gay relationship that he did not enjoy.

Speaker 5 After a woman tried to sue him for rape, after his father died, after was totally destroyed. And now, Phoenix from the ashes, guys.

Speaker 2 Listen to that confluence of events. Yeah.
I was in a a gay relationship.

Speaker 2 I didn't want to be in. He was accused of rape.
Sued for rape. Sued for rape.
His dad died. His dad died.
Phoenix from the ashes. Phoenix from the ashes.
Bought a Ferrari. I love this guy.

Speaker 2 This guy is unreal. This guy is unreal.
Unreal. What's going on with his eyes? He had plastic surgery.
Plastic surgery. A lot, a lot.
Play one more time for fun, just so I can hear this guy.

Speaker 2 Hey, guys.

Speaker 5 My dear fragrance army, Jeremy Fragrance here, that purchased his Ferrari in cash after being in a gay relationship that that he did not enjoy. Okay, after a woman tried to sue him for rape,

Speaker 5 after his

Speaker 2 gay relationship, he didn't enjoy. So maybe he's not gay.
I know, but he's trying. I like

Speaker 2 that. Gay relationship, which I did not enjoy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. After a woman sued me for rape.
Right. Which I did enjoy.
Probably that's the concept. That was the con right.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And my dad died. Dad died.
We don't know if he enjoyed that or not. He might have enjoyed his dad's death.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But click on it, he bought a Ferrari.

Speaker 5 Mother died after I was totally destroyed.

Speaker 2 Totally destroyed him.

Speaker 5 Destroyed. And now, Phoenix from the ashes, guys.

Speaker 2 He has a Ferrari. He's got a fucking Rari.
That's amazing. Dee, that's the American dream.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's the American dream. Yeah.
What this guy had. You try a gay relationship.
You get sued for rape. Your dad dies.
You get to buy a Ferrari. America.
Greatest country on earth.

Speaker 2 That's what I do love about this country. That all that can happen.
A lot of things like that can happen. That's insane.
That's insane. That is insane.
Yeah. But he's also, you know, to see

Speaker 2 what I've been watching. There's a show on Netflix, a series called Untold.
Have you seen them?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Okay. But I've watched so much shit on Netflix that I don't remember.
There's a series called Untold, right, on Netflix.

Speaker 2 And there's like one on Caitlin Jenner.

Speaker 2 But there's one called Crime and Penalties. What is the one about Caitlin Jenner about? What's Untold? It's amazing.
It goes into when she killed that

Speaker 2 woman? No. No, it wasn't about the murder.
No, it's about her Olympics.

Speaker 2 When Bruce was in the Montreal Olympics. When she was Bruce and he was in the Olympics.
Right, and it follows her.

Speaker 2 All the documentaries follow a sporting event. Oh.
Right. Well, then I would love it.
You would, but there's one called Crime and Penalties. I think, is that what it's called?

Speaker 2 Crime and Penalties. Oh, I saw Malice at the Palace.
That's untold. That's untold.
That's wild. Oh, I watched that.
I didn't know it was untold. But this one right here, dude,

Speaker 2 is the funniest one. Who is that? I've ever seen.
It's this kid named AJ

Speaker 2 Galante.

Speaker 2 When he was 17 years old, his dad was like the head of the mafia in Connecticut. And he just decides to buy him a hockey team.

Speaker 2 Wait, what? Yeah. The dad buys him a hockey team.
A hockey team. A pro hockey team? No, there's a league before, but like the B league.
Sure. Right.

Speaker 2 But there's a whole

Speaker 2 league. I want to watch this.
Right.

Speaker 2 And he starts Googling, like, he doesn't look for

Speaker 2 stats in terms of how good the players are. Right.
He he

Speaker 2 sees what kind of crimes they've committed. Yeah, if they're violent enough.
Oh, that's right. That's super smart for hockey.
Yeah, right.

Speaker 2 So he, so the first match they ever play, his dad, the mafia guy, tells the center four. I don't know how the positions are.
Sure. As soon as the ref drops the puck,

Speaker 2 take your gloves off. Start a fight.
And start beating the shit out of the other guy.

Speaker 2 And like clockwork, beep, throws it down. It starts rip fucking chaos.
It's amazing. It's one of the funniest documentaries.
But it's real. They're called those people.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he had one guy named the Nigerian Nightmare.

Speaker 2 Some guy that was in the NHL, but too violent for the NHL. Right.
I mean, started working somewhere else, and then they don't know. I don't know the story.
But he just loves to fight. It's so good.

Speaker 2 I want to watch that. You should watch it.
But all these ones, right, are very good. I watched Malice in the Palace.
That was a great one. You didn't see that, did you? I love that one.

Speaker 2 I want you to look this up real fast. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Actor

Speaker 2 pled guilty, 650 million. Who? I got sent this today.
Who? This is insane. You don't know this man, but this article is going to blow your fucking mind.

Speaker 2 Actor pleads guilty. Zachary Horowitz has agreed to plead guilty to operating a $650 million Ponzi scheme, fake Netflix and HBO deals.

Speaker 2 He was telling people, investors, that he had all these deals with Netflix and HBO and was fabricating all this fucking information, and he acquired $650 million.

Speaker 2 How fucking dumb

Speaker 2 are the people that gave him that kind of money? That just shows you rich people will just give other people money if you can sucker them. $650 million.

Speaker 2 He's going to get 20 years in prison, and he paid back a quarter of it, is what I read. If you read the article.
Whenever I hear of like

Speaker 2 Ponzi schemes or the pyramid schemes or all that kind of stuff,

Speaker 2 it breaks my heart, especially like old you know. No, no, no, no, no, no.
He didn't rip off humans. He ripped off multi-millionaires, billionaires.
Oh. He didn't rip off like street people.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you would think that, like, you know. I'm almost okay with this.
You fucked the rich. It's funny.
I know, but I don't understand how, like,

Speaker 2 for me, let's say I was a millionaire, right? And then you were like.

Speaker 2 Let's say I was one. You are a millionaire.
I'm not a millionaire. You're a millionaire.
Look at what Bobby Lee's worth. That's not a real thing.
Yes, it is. Look at what I'm worth.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Dude, what Bobby Lee net worth?

Speaker 4 Sorry, I got distracted with a little something that actually affects the bad friend's family.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 4 Andres worked for this guy.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Fancy B worked for this guy? Wait a fucking minute.

Speaker 2 Dude, I have to call the fans.

Speaker 4 He might be on an airplane right now, but hopefully he's landing.

Speaker 2 Holy shit, George. Please answer, fans.

Speaker 2 The devil below. He produced that movie that Fancy did.
We promoted that on this show. Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 Oh, fans, be off a plane.

Speaker 2 Fancy. Please leave your Damn it.
Damn it. Fuck.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Fancy worked for this guy.
So can we trust Fancy?

Speaker 2 Wait, but did the guy come up with money to do it? Bob, he would go to people and lie and be like, I've got a Netflix deal for, you know, a six-picture deal for so-and-so, so-and-so.

Speaker 2 I need third-party investor funding for these movies, and you'll get a percentage kickback. Like a Hollywood producer.
Yeah. These guys gave him all this money and he would use the Ponzi scheme.

Speaker 2 He would use their money to fund other lies. But what I'm saying is, is that

Speaker 2 is he pocketing the money and not doing anything with it, or is he doing a couple of productions to make it seem like no, no, no, it seems like he did set up a production house and did one thing with him.

Speaker 2 That's what I'm saying. So he did try to do something.
So it looks legit on him. Right.
Right. But what you do is just push the money around.

Speaker 2 You go from one, you push the money from this project to the next one.

Speaker 2 But in the meantime, he's buying mansions and Ferraris. And that was him, by the way.
That was... Yeah.
That was the same guy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but what I don't get about these pieces because Enron was like that, too.

Speaker 2 The Ponzi scheme and Enron? Yeah, but they were, yeah,

Speaker 2 you know, I don't know what they call it, but they would say that the company is worth this much.

Speaker 2 It's like almost future predictions. Yeah, they would inflate their numbers.
Right, right. So it's like next year, you know what I mean? This is what we're going to be worth.
$7 billion. Right.

Speaker 2 And they didn't actually come up with anything. They just kept

Speaker 2 doing this. That's for the market.
And then it, for the market, and then they obviously crashed. Right.
And it's...

Speaker 2 Well, then in those other people, they pulled out all their stocks and stuff like that. No, but a lot of people got fucked.
Like, you know. Fuck.
I mean.

Speaker 2 But I just don't mind it when you do this to the rich.

Speaker 2 I think this is funny, dude.

Speaker 2 Go back. You telling me he got that many people to give him $650 million.
Look at this. Horowitz acknowledged that he has failed to pay.

Speaker 2 So he's paid all back, but $231 million. So he only owes $231 million.
Not bad. You can probably scrounge that up somehow.

Speaker 4 My favorite quote from one of these articles is one of his friends said, I did not think he was smart enough to do this.

Speaker 2 Oh, really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 How much time is he getting? 20 years, maybe. Faces up to 20 years.
You know what that means? What? Nothing. He'll serve nothing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but what I would do as Avosam is like, because when you're starting a Ponzi scheme like this, you know inevitably it's going to crash. Of course.
It's going to catch up to you. Well.
Right?

Speaker 2 So the smart guy would, what I would have done is... Should we do one?

Speaker 2 Think about it, though. We take, right, and we stash.

Speaker 2 liquid it into cash. Yeah.
We bury the shit. Like physically bury it.
Yeah, and then you and I know we're going to get 10 years in prison. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then when we get out, we fucking uncover it, get the cash that we.

Speaker 2 How are we going to get all that cash out? What do you mean get it out? How are you going to get out like 20 million from the 231 million from the bank? No, you.

Speaker 2 They're not going to walk you out of there with that kind of cash. No, no, no, but can't you get like

Speaker 2 if I had 251 millions in the bank,

Speaker 2 right? I can't get 30 million. You could, but they would cause a thing.
It'd be a big thing. Why? Because they'd be curious as to why you want 30 million in cash.
They would probably alert internet.

Speaker 2 They'd probably alert,

Speaker 2 what's the internet? The Interpol. Because they'd be like, this guy might be skipping the country.
Okay,

Speaker 2 can you set up some sort of fake charity or something that you can go to? That we could do. Yeah, right.
Let's set one up. So you have a limp leg.

Speaker 2 You've had one for years. You've had one for years.
We have a charity for you and your limp leg. For a good old limp leg, okay.
Call it Rudy's Sunrise. Rudy's Sunrise.
Charity. Rudy Sunrise.
Charity.

Speaker 2 Right. Right? And then.
Get a leg up. That's okay.
Get a leg up is our leg up.

Speaker 2 That's our phrase. Yeah.
Our catchphrase. So Rudy Sunrise, get a leg up.
Donations are going to go to fix her limp legs. So please send to the name right here.
We'll put a dance with one leg.

Speaker 2 What? You can still dance with one leg.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Let's move on.
Get a leg up. No, let's fight between them.
Let's stick with mine. No, you can still dance with one leg?

Speaker 2 All right, it'll be Rudy Sunrise. You can still dance with one leg, but get a leg up on it.
That's it. Got it.
Step by my quote with your quote so that I can feel like I'm contributing.

Speaker 2 All right, fine.

Speaker 2 You named it Rudy Sunrise. I know.
All right, well, here, we're going to put Chiron right here something to donate. Please donate to the Rudy Sunrise.

Speaker 2 So is there a way, do you know the right guy that's going to be able to do that? That can funnel all that and make that happen? Of course. So then can we liquidate it in the cash?

Speaker 2 All right. We bury it.
Where are we going to bury it? Well, we can't tell these fucking people, then they'll know. This is just mock.
All right, then we'll fake it. We'll fake it.

Speaker 2 So where would we do it?

Speaker 2 Where's like a smart place to bury money? I know where. Chula Vista.
No. Where?

Speaker 2 We go to the Philippines. Oh, yes.
We go to to the Philippines because you know they have 6,000 islands. We got to find it.

Speaker 2 We can go to Dutarte. Dodarte.
Is that the name? Dutarte. Yeah.
And go,

Speaker 2 you like money?

Speaker 2 I do, I do. Right? And we go,

Speaker 2 and I go, we'll give you 5 million in cash.

Speaker 2 Can we buy a small island? Is that how much islands cost? I don't know. We don't know.
I don't know. How much do islands cost in the Philippines? Yeah.

Speaker 2 5 million seems like a fuckload of money for the Philippines. It's an island, though.
Dude, but it's how much land is really really there? A million. I would say a million.

Speaker 2 Islands for sale in the Philippines. There you go.
Let's buy one right now. Yeah.
It's got to be one on sale. Look at those.
Beautiful. Wow.
Dow Island. How much is that?

Speaker 2 Dow, can we buy Dow? I want to buy Dow.

Speaker 2 47 acres. How much? Wait, that says 117 acres.

Speaker 2 How come they're not going to tell you? They're going to tell you. It says inquire now, top right.
Yeah, you'd have to ask. Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, we get that island. What a beautiful island.

Speaker 2 That's ours. Right?

Speaker 2 And then in the center of that, we bury it. Okay, but how do we keep the money safe while we're gone?

Speaker 2 Oh, she lives there now. We build her a little hut

Speaker 2 with her knives. She's a knife wall.
Right? This sounds like the actual preemptive beginning of Bottoms of Turtle Island.

Speaker 2 I think this is

Speaker 2 the prequel. This is the prequel of Bottoms.
And we were going there to get our money back, and she wouldn't let us. Well, now she died protecting us.
No, no, no, no, no. How about this?

Speaker 2 We're in prison, of course. Right? Yeah.
We build her a little shack. You'll have a pool and you'll have all that, all the trimmings, right? In this shack, right?

Speaker 2 And you're bored. You have dogs, obviously, because you get bored.
Right. And one of the dogs is missing.
Let's say Julio's missing, right? Nightmare. You're going, Julio, right?

Speaker 2 And in the distance, you hear, quack, quack. You hear him barking, right? That's more of a duck.
Yeah, that was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dogs don't do that. Yeah, but Julio does.
Quack, quack, quack, quack.

Speaker 2 Right? So you're, and then he finds, right?

Speaker 2 What Julio finds is a fucking one, what do you call it, a tombstone,

Speaker 2 but with some ancient writing on it. What language? In not

Speaker 2 Egyptian. Oh.
So it makes it weird. Yeah, very weird.
Very out of place.

Speaker 2 There's even an Egyptian. Break the answer? No.
Oh. You know how they...

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What is this? Stupid.

Speaker 2 No, but you know, a little

Speaker 2 chiroglyphic. Chiroglyphics.
Is that what they call it? Hieroglyphics. Hieroglyphic.
Hieroglyphic. Hieroglyphic.
There it is. They have one like this on there, right? Serving food.

Speaker 2 Some Egyptian thing, right? Right. But in the thing, right?

Speaker 2 The hand sticking out of the tombstone, this figure, right?

Speaker 2 This one, if you push it down,

Speaker 2 there's a lever.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 And there's a spiral staircase that leads.

Speaker 2 You walk all the way down there, right?

Speaker 2 And that's maybe one of the portals to hell. Oh, shit.
Right?

Speaker 2 And there's even a sign, Portal to Hell. Portal to hell.
Yeah. It's pretty on the hell.
Right, right. Just so that the people watching the movie.
But what language?

Speaker 2 In English, just to make it in English so that we don't have to do subtitles. It's a good one.
Right, right. That makes sense.
Portal to hell, right? You go inside that. It changes you.
Forever.

Speaker 2 We get out of prison.

Speaker 2 We ring your cell phone. What the fuck? Where the fuck is she? Yeah.

Speaker 2 We're trying to get our fucking money. We have $20 million hidden in that fucking stupid Dow Dow.

Speaker 2 Dow Island, right?

Speaker 2 We go, we go into the shack.

Speaker 2 All we see is skeletons of our dogs. She ate the dog.
Yes. Julio, maybe barely still alive going, quack, quack.
She ate half of Julio.

Speaker 2 So half of him is dead. Maybe, yeah, maybe he's barely alive.
Wow. And he's trying to tell us,

Speaker 2 she's a demon. She's a demon.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she's a demon. That's a parrot doing that.
Is that what it is? Yeah. We will have a parrot then.
She's a demon. Forget Julio's a parrot now.
She's a demon. She's a demon.
She's a demon. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And we're like, Bad Rudy, bad Rudy. Bad Rudy.
Yeah, yeah. Bad Rudy.
Right. Right.
And we're going, something bad. But we don't even.
What did you do with the baby?

Speaker 2 We don't even give the parrot the fucking acknowledgement that he said it. We just go, I think something bad's going on.
She's a demon. Something bad.
Something bad. Rudy's a demon, I think.

Speaker 2 Something bad. And we never acknowledge the parrot.
Where are all the dogs that were here? She ate them. She ate them.
She ate them. Yeah, yeah.
So then. She gave us all the hints.
Right.

Speaker 2 Portal to hell. Portal to hell.
Yeah, right.

Speaker 2 And then, is there a little mountain? Yeah, there's a little hill. In the center, there's a little hill.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You make it up the hill in five minutes.

Speaker 2 It takes me 24 hours because I'm fat. For sure.
Right? Physical. So you're like constantly going, come on, dude.
Like Sisyphus, I have to push you. Yeah,

Speaker 2 I see a thing here. You know what I mean? An empty.

Speaker 2 And I barely finally get up there 24 hours later.

Speaker 2 And then what happens? You push me in. I push you in the portal to hell.
Right. And that's where.

Speaker 2 Is that part two or what's going on here? I have no idea. Are we rewriting? Yeah, we have to.
Yeah, we're writing. We've gone so far.
So far. Yeah.
But I pushed you in the portal of hell.

Speaker 2 That opened, that's the beginning of the film. But when do we set each other's down? And that's the vignette of the day.

Speaker 2 I want to know in the script. Right before I push you in the portal of hell.

Speaker 2 No, way before. As you're blocking.
When we got out of prison. Right when I come, I push you in the portal of hell.
We get out of prison the same day, right? Before we go to Dow Island.

Speaker 2 We didn't do any gay shit in prison, but we do right when we're in the city. We were different.
We're different. They don't want to.
Isn't it in the same prison? The moment we get out. Right.

Speaker 2 And the taxi ride. And I learned so much there.

Speaker 2 like in my prison because you were a toy i was a toy yeah you're like i learned how to do 19 dicks at a time right i know how to jerk somebody out with my feet you know what i mean like i'm a master yeah and you became a christian big time yeah so you never did anything jesus christ so we call each other after we get out of prison and go you're like let's go to dow island i go no let's go to the hilton no i want to go to dow no let's go to hilton no i want to go to i need to say i i need to don't you think we should we should catch up

Speaker 2 okay

Speaker 2 there we go thank you We meet at the Hilton. Yeah.
And you think there's two rooms. Yeah.
I go, no, I just thought because, you know,

Speaker 2 we can talk all night. I got two different beds.
Sure.

Speaker 2 They're pushed together, though. I know.
I did that. Why? Because I want to talk and I have a bad earring.
Oh, that's right. Right, right, right.

Speaker 2 And then.

Speaker 2 Why are your clothes off? Because, you know,

Speaker 2 well,

Speaker 2 I want to fuck.

Speaker 2 I guess that's the giveaway. Yeah, that's the dead giveaway.
Yeah, I want to fuck. Which is fine, but why is your penis head covered? Oh, because I'm 50.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Just push hard.
I don't want that in the movie. You don't want your penis head?

Speaker 2 I don't want my penis in the head. I want hilarious.
I don't want my penis in the movie. How could we not put that in the movie?

Speaker 2 Because I wanted to play younger in the movie. You're not going to be able to, bud.

Speaker 2 What does it matter? You don't like the cheese smell? That's exactly why. I don't want that.
All right. I want to clean it up.
Anyway. Okay.
Let's call Bobby Lee real fast, then we got to go.

Speaker 2 Hello? Can you hear me?

Speaker 2 Can you? What?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I can hear you. What's up?

Speaker 2 Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee?

Speaker 3 Yes, yes, yes. This is speaking.
Sorry, that was a weird intro. I was just talking to a dude.
Very, very dark topic. So I'm like on a curve right now.

Speaker 2 What was the dark topic?

Speaker 3 Cancer stuff, like their brain stuff.

Speaker 2 We love cancer. We love cancer.
We love cancer.

Speaker 3 We've been going on an ayahuasca trip, so that was the great news, actually.

Speaker 2 Nice. I see.
Bobby Lee, you're talking

Speaker 2 about Bobby Lee.

Speaker 3 This is amazing. This is

Speaker 2 Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 Now, did you know about

Speaker 2 me as Bobby Lee before?

Speaker 2 Have you ever.

Speaker 2 Did you know there was another Bobby Lee out there that was a comedian?

Speaker 3 No, no, I've known about you for like 20 years or longer. Not 20 years, but like 10 years.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Or whatever.
2008,

Speaker 3 back in Pineapple Express.

Speaker 2 Oh. I was a fan.
But let me say this:

Speaker 2 Were you a fan? Did you really like him, or were you just whatever?

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 it's cool. It's so cool.
It's like, I mean, there's only however many names in the world, and like, and I'm sharing it with him, so like, that's different. You know,

Speaker 2 and I'm a huge fan of yours as well. He's a big MMA fan.

Speaker 2 So, Bobby,

Speaker 2 what's your record now in the MMA?

Speaker 3 My record in professional fighting is 12-6.

Speaker 2 What about street fights?

Speaker 3 Street fights? Ooh, technically, like

Speaker 3 only 1-0, but there was like a couple of people.

Speaker 2 That's right. Bobby Lee, we support you wholeheartedly as your career continues.
We're thinking about sponsoring you. Yeah, Bobby.

Speaker 2 We think you're the man. We love your name.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 maybe we can throw him some bad friend stuff so he can wear bad friend stuff. We would love to do that.
I think that would be the way to do it. Where do you live right now, Bobby?

Speaker 3 I'm in Minneapolis. I moved down just this week to be closer to this really good gym.

Speaker 2 Oh, cool. You know, I used to live in Adina.

Speaker 2 That's crazy. I did not know that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 When's your next fight, Bob?

Speaker 3 It's six weeks down. It's October 16th in Phoenix.

Speaker 2 October 16th in Phoenix. Watch out for Bobby Lee.
He's fighting.

Speaker 2 Who are you fighting?

Speaker 2 Nick Brown. Nick.
He's the only one who's right.

Speaker 2 What weight class are you?

Speaker 3 155, lightweight.

Speaker 2 155. Amazing.
Bobby Lee versus Nick Brown, October 16th, my birthday, by the way, which

Speaker 2 I'm excited for for you. So go kick his ass, Bobby.

Speaker 2 Thank you for talking to us. We support you, man.
Support you, man.

Speaker 3 I have to shout out to a friend who's listened to every single one of your episodes.

Speaker 3 Austin Halverson has listened to every single one of your episodes. He's a huge fan.

Speaker 2 Shout out to Austin. Austin, thank you.

Speaker 2 Fuck yes. Thanks, man.
All right, Bobby. We'll talk to you soon.
Thanks, buddy.

Speaker 5 Have a good one. Bye.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.