Urban Bobby & The Gucci Gang

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the bad friends podcast with bobby lee and my boy andrew santino so if everyone's listening are you recording we're recording that's what it sounded like right so um he's from a different land you know that oh yeah yeah so um andrew is uh shooting dave right now he's gonna be a little late jules is in hawaii surfing or something with kalilah so she couldn't make it So we asked my man right here Doc to fill in Jules But now Andrew's not here So we're just going to start without him To see what happens Do you get pussy? No I can tell I've always been able to tell That you struggle to get the pussy No I never struggle That's the problem with you You always get it You always, yeah, you can't. I can't.
I've always been able to tell that you struggle to get the pussy. No, no.
I never struggle. That's the problem with you.
You always get it? You always get it. Yeah.
You always. Here's your thing.
Yeah, yeah. You have this.
You live in Bobby's world, right? And in Bobby's world, whatever he believes, that's what's real. And it's like, no.
Yeah, yeah. So you remember one time.
Yeah, go ahead. You looked at me and you was like, Doc, you're a nerd.
And I go, what?

Did you know anything?

If you said that to anybody else who knew me,

they'll be like, bro, who are you talking to?

Okay, stop, all right?

I want to get to know you better, that's all. You do, dog?

That's why you're here.

I want to get to know you better.

So you get a lot of pussy then.

Nah, I get what I get.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Which is what? In a year, dude. In a year, here's mine.
Be honest. I'm telling you.
Because I've never seen you with a girl. But it don't matter what you see.
You know what I'm saying? Right, right. It doesn't matter what I see.
Yeah. What if you live in your world? What in your world, right? You think that you have all this stuff.
And I don't have it? Yeah, but it's all in your head so that's what you believe that's good all right yeah you want to know that so you get so you let's just put it this way yeah i get women it's not it's not hard it's never and that's the thing about california i never even understood when dudes say they don't get women i'll be like what how's that possible how do you not get women coming like it's easy out here all day yeah you see you didn't start getting them until you got famous right what you didn't start getting them until you started getting famous say that again slowly you didn't start getting women until you got like famous right there dude they're rude what you're saying well you know i got a little rude in me yeah yeah yeah so what you're saying to me is that before I could get a name for myself, I couldn't get any girls.

Right.

Is that what you're saying?

Yeah, that's 100% what I'm saying.

That's not, I don't even think you got to read between the lines.

I know.

I said that so perfect.

Let me challenge you on that then.

Okay, let's do it.

How long have I known you?

Shoot.

Since I probably,

I was talking about 2001,

that's when I first started

going to the comedy store.

Right, so 20 years.

20 years, yeah.

Right?

Not one time.

Not one time

have I seen you with a woman.

Oh, wow.

20 years.

But working at the store.

You've only seen me

at the store working.

We're not arguing.

Don't get emotional.

Don't get emotional.

Don't get emotional.

You're getting emotional.

Here's your problem.

I don't get emotional you're getting emotional here's your problem don't tell me what i have problems yeah okay go ahead tell me what my problem is okay one problem you're crazy to the motherfucker that's one right there yeah yeah and like i said you live in this little bubble yeah and for some reason yeah you actually believe the shit that you have in your head. And it's not real.
I'll tell you why, though. Okay.
You know, I find you cute as a button. Okay.
You're awkward. Yeah.
A little awkward. Yeah.
Okay. When I tell you that, how do you feel? Like nothing.
Like, okay, thanks. Yeah, yeah.
I literally want to grab you. Oh, shit.
I see. And stick you in my pocket And walk around I think that you are just And number two I always thought that like How tall are you? Five, three There's no way What? How tall are you? Who's taller than you or I? That's a good question.
I never even paid since.

Okay, let's do this.

America, we about to show y'all.

Let's do this.

Let's do this.

I got you, man.

I'm taller.

Where are you at?

So you're like 5'4"?

I'm 5'2".

No, you're not.

Yeah, I'm 5'2".

No, bro.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bro, you're 5'0". No, don't do that.
What do you mean? What do you mean? Hold on, hold on. Let me just sit you with it.
That's frustrating right there. Why, why, why? Because you can't take away.
No, because we already measured myself. Who did? Here at Bad Friends, we already did the measurements.
No, no, no. You're pushing.
No, I'm not. Hey, come here.
We can do it again. We can do it again.
Do it again. No, no, no.
We're not hey did we come here we can do it again we can do

it again no no we're not doing it again but five two that's what i'm talking about all right so you're not five two you're not five two because i'm five three so i'm five four yes if that's all i want maybe five three and a half at the most you're not i'm an inch taller than you for short. I just did it.

I just think your shoulders

is big.

No one's ever said that.

I've had big shoulders. Like Michael Phelps.
Yeah, like they fucking got little traps. You know what I'm saying? So I'm 5'4".
He's a wrestler. Yeah, so this feels good.
This feels good. So you're 5'2".
I'll just say 5'2". I'm 5'3".
Well, let's go one inch lower. Okay.
Okay. And I have to apologize for a couple of things.
All right. Let's hear it.
All right. In our history.
Yeah. You owe me some guy.
I apologize. I want this shit to come out.
Yeah. I've been waiting.
Number one. Go ahead.
I remember when Gary Coleman died. I saw you at the comedy store and I walked up to you.
You were with a bunch of friends and stuff. Right.
And I said to you, I thought you had died. Yeah.
And I could see. How do you have a memory? I do because I remember seeing your face.
Right. And you got a laugh in front of your friends but you had a face and never apologized for that I don't think I was hurt by it I'm a comedian so if I didn't sit back and giggle a little bit but look I'll say this somewhere there was a baby that died somewhere when you say that I don't know what i'm saying i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about i'm just trying to express myself yeah yeah yeah no baby died man yeah my bad my bad america no baby died yeah um number two my second apology is you open for me okay did you not host it for That's opening.
I thought the feature was the opening. No, they're both opening.
Oh, okay, yeah. What, you think the host is opening for the feature? No, I just thought the host was like the warm-up dude, not the- No, no, no, no, no.
You opened, right? Right, right, right. And I made you do some things on stage.
Like what? You don't remember? Uh-uh. Like I said, when you go up on stage, you have to say yabba dabba do oh yeah 10 times and not tell the audience why you're saying it but man yeah so man now y'all know what the the comic this is the equivalent to fret hazing this is just yeah yeah but it's funny then you'd have to go up yeah yeah and say yabba dabba do yeah in between jokes and not explain to the audience while you said it all right that was the first yeah that was like the first thing damn yeah i forgot all the most yeah man i forgot i think i was i told you to do another thing where i go just randomly when you're opening you have to just without explaining yourself you have to do a little hopscotch right like you don't mean like they're do it in hopscotch, right? And you have to just, without explaining yourself, you have to do a little hopscotch.

Right?

Like they're doing hopscotch, right?

And you have to do it across the stage

and not tell the audience why you did that.

Man, you know what's funny?

Because it's for me.

Yeah, I know, but it's so funny because

between you and Steve Byrne

and the crazy things

that go on in these shows, it's so much fun and You forget about all of that. I forgot.
Especially you. You are like.
Did I ever do this to you where they would say your name and I would block the door so you wouldn't go up on stage? No, you didn't do that. Yeah.
I used to do that too. Yeah.
And the opening would be like, let me up. I go, no, just wait a minute.
You know what I mean? So there's like no one on stage. They already said your name.
It always gave me a lot of pleasure but is that bullying you think? Yeah, it is. That's how you are though.
You think I'm a bully? Yeah. Do you really think I'm a bully? Yeah, that's how you are.
Really? It makes you feel good in your heart. It doesn't make me feel good.
I'll tell you why. I was bullied so hard, not only growing up, but in comedy.
It's like when I finally could do it, I didn't snip the behavior. You know what I mean? I kept it going right within myself.
So it's like, yes, I did some bullying things. Do I regret it? I do.
I'm sorry. But it's not that, man, get out of here.
I'm so sorry. It's not that type of bullying.
It's not something that you gotta be sitting up here grieving about. Nah, it's fun and games.
It's practical jokes. That's not bullying.
I'll say practical jokes. That's what you are.
You kind of a prankster. I have a third apology.
Bobby Lee is a goddamn prankster. I'm a prankster.
I have a third apology. Okay, what's the third?

Did I... Did I...

Yeah, go on and say it.

Did I...

Did I hug you for too long?

Man, I don't know if you want to consider

the...

Every time I would see dog...

You hug everybody too goddamn long.

That was your fucking thing. I know, you want to consider that.
Every time I would see dog.

You hug everybody too goddamn long.

That was your fucking thing.

I know, but you.

You know why?

Because I think you knew that it embarrassed me and it fucking like irritated me and you would do it and I would just try to laugh it off.

You know, I would go fucking Bobby.

That's how long.

How long do you think I would hug you for?

Like if you would count the seconds.

Longer than a big red commercial.

Thank you. How long do you think I would hug you for? Like if you would count the seconds.

Longer than a Big Red commercial.

Yeah, like a minute.

Yeah, hot.

Man, it's so fun to do to hug people for like a minute or two.

A minute or two.

Man, it's...

And then after about 45 seconds, I could feel you trying to get out.

And then what do I do?

I do underhooks. Yeah, you do the underhooks.
Yeah, yeah. And I do a leg out.
And then what do I do? I do underhooks.

Yeah, you do the underhooks.

Yeah, yeah.

And I do a leg thing.

And then you use your goddamn wrestling techniques from school.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You fucking, this guy is, man, this guy is something else, man.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So now, those are the three things that I wanted to apologize.

And do you accept my apology?

Let me think about it, bro, because there's a tear right there.

Okay.

Yeah.

No, you know what, Bobby?

I'm going to let that go.

I'm going to go ahead and forgive you.

Thank you. Let me think about it, bro, because there's a tear right there.

Okay.

Yeah.

No, you know what, Bobby?

I'm going to let that go.

I'm going to go ahead and forgive you.

Now, let me ask you this then.

What's that?

Are there things that you have resentments toward?

Do you have resentments toward me and I'd like to hear them?

Resentment towards you?

Yes.

So we can resolve anything. Is there anything hidden that I'm not aware of or privy to that you...
The only thing that I've ever... Here we go.
I'm trying to think. The only thing that I've ever...
But this is something that... It's not even like anger.
This is more of like disappointment. Uh-oh.
You know what I'm saying? And it's like... Because it's a comedy story.
So when you're a comic, you're like, oh, I want to get out and do as much time. So I was always thought that for some reason I had this belief that I said, man, Bobby going to start taking me out more.
I'm going to do more. I'm going to do more shows, blah, blah, blah.
And it never happened like that. And I was like, fuck.
So it was like. Oh, shit.
But I did that with a lot of people. It's not just you.
I just like, well, maybe this person or maybe this person. So it was like.
I'll be brutally honest with you. Yeah.
Okay. it's not just you i just like well maybe this person or maybe this person so it was like i'll be brutally honest with you yeah okay it's um how do i say this the growth that i saw you as an opener i i mean you're hilarious there's just something about you up there that like i've always felt that too i've always said that about you okay did i not yeah yeah you've always said yeah i feel like you're being don't don't be defensive i'm not gonna hurt you no no but what happens is number one um i don't i didn't think that you could do the 30 minutes okay at the time right right and number two um i just prefer female openers you know i used a lot of female features like jade and Sarah Tiana.
But you used other guys too, Fahim. You know, I used a lot of female features like Jade

and Sarah Tiana. But you used other guys too.

Fahim, you used

Fahim Anwar is like

Fahim, you used

Jack Knight.

One time.

Sean Kerrigan,

you used. I don't even know who

Sean Kerrigan is. Who the fuck is Sean Kerrigan?

You don't remember. Yeah, yeah.
I don't know who Sean Kerrigan is. Well, them probably the names that you use the most consistent that I know of.
No, I'll tell you who I use most. Nick Youssef.
Yeah. You definitely use Nick a lot.
I use Nick a lot. Okay.
And it was because his style. Here's the problem with you and me too.
We're both little. Right.
And cute. Right.
Right. And we jump around like little jelly beans up there.
You're sexy for me, though. That's what I got, the whole sexiness.
I'm like that little Buddha right there. Hey, Doc, Doc, Doc.
Man, you're a hater, man. You're always big.
Doc, Doc, you literally. I bet you your boy's back there like.
Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc, you literally don't. You're not sexy.
No, you're a hater. That's what I'm saying.
I'm not a hater. That's a fucking fact.
Okay, well. All right? All right.
But I think you're great. I don't.
You're not sexy. No, you're a hater.
I'm not a hater. That's a fucking fact.

All right? But I think you're great.

You make it like

I'm supposed to actually keep up.

Yeah, yeah.

So

you were just too close

to what I did, I think.

Okay. That's acceptable right there.

That's another thing.

But is that it? That's all the resentment yeah i don't know because i don't uh you you ain't what have you done to me to make me because this is the type of dude i let me ask you a question if you make me angry yeah about something that i gotta resist i wouldn't even talk to you that's how i am oh yeah that's you are yeah bobby's goofy ass If you and I got charged with a crime

Mm-hmm I talk to you. That's how I am.
Oh, yeah, that's how you are. I talk to Bobby's goofy ass.
If you and I got charged with a crime and you and I were cellmates and we got life in prison. Okay.
And my feeling is this. Fuck.
My feeling is this, is that five years would go by and I'd be like, man, I'm not gay, but just listen, listen. I'm listening.
Go ahead, dog. I'm not gay, but it's horny as fuck, man.
And my best friend is, dog, we did this crime together. So we're your best friends because we so much.
I know. We did the crime together, and also we're the same size.
Okay. Because, you know, I don't want to be like Big T You know big T's down the row He's 6'5 Gorilla dick And then I'm like you know Doc has a chimp dick You know what I mean So it's like you know So I'm like I think I want to I think we could be good you know what I mean so it's like you know so I'm like so that would be like I think I want to you know I think we could be good you know lovers or whatever so then I'd be like now let's say like at night we're sleeping right and we're in bump beds I'll probably be in the top because I'm older right I'm a headliner too yeah you're in the bottom so I slip down a pole you know whatever the thing is and I you're laying I bet you do you sleep on your stomach nah do you ever sleep on your stomach nah do you sleep on your side yeah good perfect okay here we go perfect so you're sleeping on your side right yeah yeah and I up behind you right okay i'm naked sure right i think i already know where the story's going now and i start doing like tiny little kiss taps on your neck okay yeah yeah you know man okay what would you do you know i'll probably whoop your ass in the cell you did the guard gonna have to come because you're gonna get you're not you're not putting yourself in in the scenario you're you're I'm in a scenario.
No, you're not. No, yeah, I'm there.
I'm mad at the cell. The guard gonna have to come.
You're not putting yourself in the scenario. I'm in the scenario.
I'm mad to the motherfucker. I can feel...
Five years we've been in there. Five fucking...
Ten years. Let's make it ten years.
It don't matter if it's 30. You're still in a deserted island.
Deserted island. No fucking.
That's it. We'd be just two dudes looking out at the goddamn sea.

You wouldn't touch me once.

Nothing.

For what?

All right.

It ain't even fucking nothing.

It's terrible.

I hope to God.

So now I'm not a humanitarian.

So I'm not a humanitarian.

This guy.

God, I'm never on a deserted island with you.

Well, I hope not either.

I don't want to be on air with you if I'm going to be sleeping on my side and have to worry about- Is there any scenario- Who thinks like that? What do you mean? I mean, it's just- All right. How about this then? That's a fucking memory now.
I'm like, I don't want to- You're so homophobic. You're so homophobic.
It's not even homophobic. It's just what you like and what you don't like.
How about that we're in Africa? In Africa. We're in Africa, right? And we're on a safari.
Okay. Okay? And we're not holding hands or anything.
We're just friends. Just friends, yeah.
Yeah, right? Bobby and Duck. Bobby and Duck, you know.
You know, good dude. And all of a sudden, you hear this.
You know, it's rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle, rattle. Right? It's a snake.
Intense. It's a snake, right? For some reason, my penis is out.
Yeah's hot there's a snake there's a snake is out okay yeah two snakes are out two snakes not snakes in the plane but okay i feel you i'm in with you okay and all of a sudden the snake it fucking he bites my dick right someone's gotta suck the venom's got to suck the venom out.

Would you suck the venom out?

Oh, damn, man.

I'll just wait.

No, no, no.

Would you suck the venom out?

I'm trying to give you the good answer, man, without breaking your goddamn heart.

I'm trying to.

You'd let me die.

I'd definitely be thinking about your mom and your family.

You would let me die?

Yeah, pretty.

That's so fucked up, dude.

Go ahead, then.

Let me tell you something right now, right?

Okay, what's that?

If a snake bit you on the penis, right? I would suck the venom out, right? And just to make you feel better, I'd probably let you come in my mouth. Wow, that's...
I mean, I'm doing it. But even just to assume that I'm going to be her.
That right there is just... That right there is disrespectful.
I'm making assumptions. You're making assumptions.
I'm making this up. Like, I'm doing it.
But even just to assume that I'm going to be her. That right there is just disrespectful.
I'm making assumptions. You're making assumptions.
I'm just automatically going to get excited off a blowjob by Bobby. You probably use your teeth and everything.
All right. Let's let it go.
Let's let it go. It's getting weird.
Is it getting weird? Yes. Thick-ass cloud of weirdness.
It's just weak. Yeah.
All right. You know.
Let's suppose we both die. die first though yeah right when i die i tell god i go let me be the doorman of the pearly gates right i'm good at checking ids and god's like go ahead you're dead now you're waiting in line to get into heaven right and? And then I, you know.
You know what I mean? Yo, you want to get in? You want to get in? Because there's an elevator that goes down to hell. You want to get in? Right? What would you do with that? I'm going to tell you.
You don't even have to ask. Before I even get up to the line, I'm going to go on here and start walking to the elevator.
I ain't even going to get to you. I'm going to be like, God damn, Bobby is the gatekeeper.
I'm fucking going up to the line I'm gonna go on here and start walking to the elevator I ain't even gonna get to you I'm gonna be like god damn Bobby is the gatekeeper I'm fucking going straight to the goddamn elevator That's fair enough Andrew's here move out of the way Fucking asshole I gave him three scenarios What's up doc What's the last time you guys see each other It's been a last time you guys see each other? It's been a long time. It's been a long time.
It's been a long time. Too fucking long.
Try a town in a D-town in a building. My man.
Along with San Diego. Oh, shit.
This is what you guys are going to do? Well, no. Here's the deal.
Don't be back. This is proof.
This has always been proof of the culture that I have that you don't have. What this is great we talked about this before this is great black people this is wonderful black people don't they think you're funny but they don't it's not the same with me they love me you don't even know how to do this do it do it no no no shit Let me ask you something Let me ask you something Do you get that from me Do you think that you're closer to Andrew Because Andrew is more in touch Of black culture or Understands the people better I don't even feel like it's about closeness I just feel like he's just exactly what the fuck he said.
You have no clue. That's all it is.
We discussed this before we got here. And for some reason, you want to embrace it.
It's true. This is really interesting.
This is really interesting. This is an intervention for you.
So for the last 20 years, right, that we've been fucking with each other,'ve always felt that about me There's a disconnect Between me and your culture I don't know Bobby The statement is wrong That's what it is Reframe it for me The way you're saying it Say it in your way in an urban way why don't see that's what i'm talking about that's it right there i think that's it that's exactly that's why you just said that's exactly what we're talking about yo what's up that's not it either that's not it no urban bobby's not it let me hear What's up, dog? Shit. That's not it? Perfect.
Raise the roof, dog. Raise the roof.
Raise the roof. Come on, man.
That was good. That was pretty good.
There you go. That was pretty good.
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Subject to change, terms apply. So, I'm so insulted.
Number one. Doc, I miss you, man.
This is so good to see you, bro. Shut the fuck up.
We're connecting. I know, but it's irritating.
You know who I was just shooting a scene with today? Who? Who did I work with today? Who? Kevin Hart. Did you really? Kevin Hart, blackness confirmed.
Kevin even said it. And I said, you know who I'm doing a podcast with? Because he made a joke.
We made a joke. Do you know what Korean hearts are? No, but tell me what.
Did he remember me? No, look, this is Korean hearts. You've seen this before.
This is a Korean heart. Does he remember me? Does Kevin? Yeah.
I said, because we made a joke about Korean hearts.

One of the girls on the show, she said this.

And he said, that's funny.

And she goes, you don't know.

I said, one of my best friends is Korean.

She goes, oh, really?

You hang out with Koreans?

I said, yeah.

From here, I'm going to work with one of my Korean best friends.

And she goes, who?

I go, Bobby Lee.

And I turned to Kev.

I said, comedian.

You know Bobby Lee.

He's a comedian. What do you think he said? I don't know him.
No. You know each other.
I know, but- What did he say? I don't know what he said because I wasn't there. He said, that motherfucker that get naked? That's what he said.
That motherfucker that get naked? That's what he said. That's an accurate description.
I fucking did a movie with him. I didn't fucking get naked on the movie.

One time.

Did you get movie?

You didn't get naked once.

Not one time.

Really?

I'm going to get naked on a fucking $150 million fucking movie.

Maybe.

No.

Maybe.

No.

Was it part of the role?

No.

There was nothing in it.

I was wearing armor.

He didn't say that.

He didn't say that.

What did he say?

No.

He said, I don't know who the fuck is. That's work.
No lee he goes i love bobby lee i love he said i love bobby lee he was great uh anyway doc doc how has this been was this abusive yeah yeah a little bit a little bit why here's the thing though i'm so comfortable with this guy i was like ah breeze you know what i mean yeah it's easy with them yeah it's easy let me tell you something about i'll tell you the reason why you're on this podcast because jules was gone it wasn't going to be here right and i literally this is not a joke okay i was watching a documentary about black holes no i'll be real let me can i just finish i know i know it's uncomfortable but no no uncomfortable It's not uncomfortable because black hole Is something me and him this guy would say This guy So what happened with black holes Stephen Hawking's in it right and there's also a bunch of Scientists trying to take a photo Of a black hole which is Black hole which is like 25,000 light years away.

It's very difficult to take a photo. So what they do is they aligned all these satellites from all around the world to take a photo of the same image.
And maybe they can take all the information, create. So they finally have an image of what a black hole looks like.
And when it showed it, I don't know why, but it reminded me if Doc's asshole was on fire. I laughed.
I go, that looks like Doc's asshole on fire, right? And then when this came up, I go, I got to get black hole in there. You said it so fast.
I said, where's Rudy? You go, black hole's coming. Yeah hole's coming yeah yeah yeah so it just kind of I don't know why the connection there but there's just something fiery about you don't remember there's something you would say to me I want to get in that little tiny black hole you try to sexually assault Doc no no no I was just joking but he you know it's not sexual assault when both people are online On the same job For sure For sure If he's part of the party It's fine Right Okay Doc, what's been going on? I want to talk to you a minute Did you guys talk a little bit About what's going on? Yeah Let me just Let me just May I be your representative? Well Let me just tell you Say, he's getting a lot of pussy.
Why would you say that? Because let me ask you this. How long have you known Doc? How many years? At least.
You came to the store by 08? Yeah, it's got to be that long. So what's that, 12 years? I don't even know.
I've known him for 20. Yeah, we for 20 yeah we know out of all the times that he you saw him do you ever see him with a woman what do you mean yes I did actually multiple times I saw Doc out to dinner one time I saw him at a really nice steakhouse he was out to dinner with two females.
Two tall bitches.

All right.

Well, then that confirms

his point of view.

And he had on a pimp suit.

He had on a three-piece pimp suit.

Oh, no.

Now you know it.

Yeah, there it is.

Yeah, there it is.

Yeah, there it is.

He did.

Driving a Bentley?

But I said to Doc,

the one thing I did say to him,

he was in this booth

with these two beautiful,

tall, like, model bitches.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he had his arms

around both of them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I said,

how tall are these girls?

Yeah.

Because Doc is not a tall guy. Yeah, yeah.
And then I come up to him i go what's going on five three five three and then he goes like this to me he goes like this like i don't want to blow up a spot right so when the girls leave he goes why don't you girls go out i'll meet you outside yeah and then he hopped out of the booth yeah yeah and when he got you know then then it was like this out of the table and And he said, don't blow up my shit.

Are you 5'3", Doc?

That's funny because him and I stood up.

On this show?

On the show, and I'm an inch taller than him.

I know, but check it out.

Did you flatten the head?

No, check it out.

I'm an inch taller than him.

He says he's 5'3". You think I'm 5'2", right?

5'2", you are.

So he's 5'1".

No.

First of all, that would be 5'1". You're bad at math.
Yeah, 5'1", I mean. Yeah, 5'1".
He's 5'1". Okay, fine.
I'm not 5'1". But you know what? I've been measured, bro.
Okay, but you know what? It's not. He may be short, but he's got a pipe.
You don't think he's got a pipe bigger than yours? I have no question it's bigger than mine. That's what I'm'm saying That's why he doesn't care that he's short

If he doesn't have a bigger penis than me

He should kill himself

That's why his ego isn't in question

When you say you're short

He doesn't care

Because he's packing

I don't care

You get sensitive about it

Because it's a thing

Round belly small penis tiny guy

That gets in your own brain

It doesn't

I don't give a shit

You think I give a shit about what I look like?

Why are you insulting that he doesn't get women?

Why do you think he doesn't get women?

I'm not insulting him

Because mommy

Oh here we go

Thank you. Doc doesn't give a shit I don't give a shit You think I give a shit about what I look like?

Why are you insulting that he doesn't get women?

I'm not insulting him Bobby told me I was a nerd, Andrew

He's a fucking nerd

That's what I've been trying to tell you

And he just won't take it

You're a fucking nerd

You're a fucking nerd

I'm a nerd

But I'm not ashamed of it

he's not a nerd

he looks like one though now

why

what is it

tell me what it is

that makes him a nerd

I went to a renaissance fair once

I went to a renaissance fair once

no

not even kidding

I saw a little black man

an LP

an LP

an LPB

yeah

on a horse

on a pony

not a full size

Thank you. kidding i saw a little black man an lp yeah an lpb yeah on a horse on a pony it was probably a full-size horse but yeah it was a pony and he had one of those like miniature like you know a little a little javelin a little joust stick yeah it was one of those things but it was a toothpick yeah yeah right and i go doc and he turned around and it was like same glasses same hairdo Hold up, you told me this story.
And I go, Doc? And he turned around, and it was like, same glasses, same hairdo.

Hold up.

You told me this story.

Is this real?

Because I thought you told me you've seen somebody that looked just like me.

I'm not lying.

Oh, fucking.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So once I go, they're the same type.

Oh, you think that's the same kind of guy?

Yeah, this is the same kind of guy, right?

Like Urkley.

Urkley?

Yeah, Urkley. A little Urkley.
Yeah. Right'm like you know there's you know there are black urkles out there urkel is black that's true urkel was black there'd be white urkles there's white urkles there's all kinds of urkles out there there are there's probably billions of asian urkles there's so many asian urkles yeah so many right but oh cool yeah so um you thought that was's so many Asian Urkels.
Yeah, so many, right? Urkel. Urkel.
Yeah, Urkel.

Urkel.

Yeah.

So-

You thought that was his?

So when I saw him,

when I saw the guy

at the Renaissance Fair,

I go,

oh, there's-

I just made a-

I put him on one box.

Right.

And I walked up to him

the next time,

you know,

after I got back

from the Renaissance Fair

and I go,

are you a nerd?

And he got so offended. He got upset about it? Yeah, because here's another thing.
But you asked him. You didn't call him a nerd.
No, I asked him gently. Like, are you a dork? I whispered in his ear.
I go, you don't have any nerdish qualities. I don't know where he's.
That's what I'm trying to tell you. He doesn't have any dork shit.
Bobby's world. Yeah, Bobby's world.
He's not a nerd, dude. Would you say Jordan Peele's a nerd? Yes.
Compared to me? Yeah, 100%. That's not even a competition.
Okay. Yeah.
But Jordan would probably say he's nerdy. But here's another fascinating thing that we didn't even talk about.
I know about Doc. What? And I don't know why.
It just makes me laugh. And don't be offended by it.
Well. All right? Don't be offended by it.
It. It makes me laugh and I giggled the first time you told me because I visualized it and it just made me giggle, okay? Okay.
Is Doc used to be a gang member. Why? Just tickle your face.
So I don't know why that just puts joy in my heart. What gang was it? The mashed potato gang.
I don't know. Back in the Detroit was the Gucci boys.
The Gucci boys. Yeah.
I love that shit. Were you the runner? I mean, what happens? Give me a lollipop.
Well, the bit that you hear me talk about me being a coat holder the first time we fought, that was actually happening. Oh, the coat holder.
Yeah, it was coat holder in the beginning. But then after a while it broke.
Did you have to kill someone? Hey, man, this is a podcast. No, I am not and even never.
So Doc was a coat holder. Yeah, coat holder.
What does that mean? Coat hanger. He would put his arms up like this and they'd put their coats on.
No, they just started throwing their coats at me whenever we got ready to fight. When're ready to fight you hold my shit and then they just started fighting i was holding everybody's jacket it would be funny though if you just stood there like this yeah yeah so that so when did you move up like you have jackets on your face so it's coat holder then what's the next what's the next level it wasn't even like um i don't think it wasn't like it was a designated coat holder it was was just automatically they just threw the shit to me.
Because you were small.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying?

Okay.

But then it was like there was other small guys,

but they just for some reason just hold my jacket, hold my jacket.

It was just out of nowhere.

I was like, what the fuck?

I thought I was going to be fighting.

What is going on?

Because I think they sensed a nerdy quality of you.

No.

Fuck it, Bobby.

No, I think at that time.

They might not have seen him.

They might have just thrown their jacket and he was down there and the coach just fell. So dick.
Yeah. Doc, you know what I really want to know about the gang shit? Yeah.
And you don't have to expose your personal shit, but do people get beat in? Yeah. Like, okay.
I didn't. You didn't get beat in? No.
Did you watch, did you beat someone in? No. But you watch people get beat in? Yep.
Is that the worst shit to see or the most fun? It's fun because it's within, so they're not really trying to kill them or nothing. Right.
They just want- Yeah, just see how tough they can handle it. Could you imagine fucking getting the shippied out of you by your best friends? Man, you're talking about black eyes and everything.
They beat your ass for like two minutes straight, three minutes straight, and then they're cool with you. But our gang was kind of, Detroit gangs are a little bit different.
What do you mean? They more, it's more about money and crack, especially back then. So jumping you in was just like only a few, I only seen it like maybe once happen.
Did you sell rock? Yeah. Crack, heroin, weed.
I was out there. I thought you used to sell weed.
I didn't know you sold rock. No, I sold everything.
God damn. Did you make good money? Yeah.
What was the most money you made a day selling rock? I'll tell you the fastest I made on a corner. And this is a corner where about 10 to 15 of us.
I made 500 in an hour. 500 an hour selling crack? Yeah.
What the fuck are we doing in Hollywood that was the 80's the 80's was cranky for some reason I feel like it was the corner where the Toys R Us for some reason the Toys R Us people coming out of Build-A-Bear. Y'all want to buy some credit?

Was your voice this deep when you were a child?

Yeah, kind of.

You probably always sounded like that.

Yeah.

You know how powerful, for people that don't understand,

and let's give a moment of respect,

how influential Doc is to our home.

The comedy store, Doc was... Can I go first, though?

No, because I started it. that's true doc doc forever will have embedded in the culture of the store whether you like it or not will always have the respect because you you were a a figurehead of that place and you couldn't go around that club and not talk about you being a part of it for the history of the club.
Because for real, that, like that, everyone knows, like, what's up, Drew? Everyone knows, everyone's got their Doc impression. Mine was always like, what's up, Drew? And he was always happy to see me.
And for you was, hey, Bobby, down. But you really did forever of the people that will be cemented there.
Oh, yeah. it or not you were such a figurehead embedded in the culture of the club 100 and and the people man so yeah they would go what's up doc so that's it meant a lot but it was real no what i what i was going to say is, you know, there are certain people there like Jeff,

Jeff Scott.

Rest in peace.

He died?

He did.

I'm kidding.

He got shot.

No, he didn't.

Like 13 times.

No, he didn't.

He got shot.

That's how he died.

Jeff Scott didn't get shot.

What happened?

He died from a heart attack.

Oh.

Yeah. I thought he got shot.
No, another guy died that way who some customer last i do i was there when i got shot 2015 i was there when that guy got shot on the patio yeah i was there well i went there that night i was off that night i was there that night i was in the back in the fucking back by the hallway when they when that guy got shot you know what happened to him that guy got out of his car he went up to his chest and shot him he got back in his car did you see the body yeah what do you mean i saw i heard the gunshots we ran yeah back by hollow ground then by the time i came out and cops and amy was were there he was there on the ground that's so crazy it was fucking gross it was right on the front patio was there blood everywhere i mean not as much as you thought isn't that weird i thought it was going to be more blood. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was enough. Was it, what's so funny? I don't know.
I'm just looking. What's so funny? It was nasty.
It was wild though. Was it a white guy? No, it was a black guy.
Okay. Yeah.
Why would you make that face? Here's what it was. Here's what it was.
A lot of white guys getting shot from fucking gang-related shootings. The guy was actually visiting the Andasas he had nothing to do with the store so he came five minutes after he left the andas to come over there because tripping's tuesday show ended he just came over there to have a drink on the pad he was having a drink yeah and then five minutes later a guy ran across the street and shot him up and uh so what it is is the guy but he didn't shoot anybody else which i was i thought that guy was from new york right and it was a new york hit on him but i'm saying i give give the guy props he didn't just spray into a crowd back in new york it was it started like a big war and they caught the guys and they arrested some guys not here in la it's not in la the whole history he got away i know he got back to new york and then there was some sort of war in new york They started a gang.
This was like a gang. I know.
He got back to New York and then there was

some sort of war in New York.

They started a gang.

This was like a gang hit.

Yeah.

That's why they didn't

shoot into the crowd.

He got out of his,

he went right up to his chest

and shot him in point blank.

My God.

That was drug dealing hit.

It's wild.

It is pretty wild.

It wasn't,

it's not like the cryptic blood.

It was like drug

and you know what I'm saying?

Like they actually

like a hit for it.

That was a hit.

He was,

he did something he shouldn't have died. Can I go back to my compliment or no?

Please.

Okay, go ahead.

I really want to hear this, Bobby.

I want to say that you,

not only were you like a part of the store,

like you were a part of the building, right?

I also saw you develop.

Like in the beginning when I saw you, you weren't good right nobody was that good it took them a little longer I think would you agree with that yeah that's because I wasn't hitting the mics like I should it's fine it's not a bad thing alright but eventually you started I feel like you started finding your voice right And I remember one time you were on stage and you were killing, right? And I just thought to myself, I wish I was in prison with the guy. See, always go back to the old bunk bed, huh? Upstart.
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bad friends no but i i honestly like and when you left to me it's like um number one you never got

passed there right yeah you did get no no no i never got there yeah i think that's the crime

Thank you. I never became a hot guy as a stand-up, period, anyway.
So the main reason why I wanted to leave, I said, let me just see what I can just push myself. Because it's something I'm not doing.
For me to have to do, I don't have to depend on the story. Look at all the people that come through there that never got passed.
Louis wasn't passed by her. Louis CK.
I know, I know. So it's like- Seinfeld, right? I had to be honest with myself.
So I left based on that, but I left more so because I just was disappointed in Paulie and what happened. Because Adam, everybody think I was mad at Adam.
I'm like, nah, Adam ain't got nothing to do with why I left. I just left because of all I had went through there.
I said, I'm gone. That was me.
You were there for how many years? 12. 11 and a half.
So what are you doing? Are you doing stand-up now? Yeah, I still do. I hit mics and I do little shows here.
I got two little shows tomorrow. Where? Right here at the Comedy Chateau.
I'm doing a little five-minute spot over there. And then I'm doing a little show with Kathy Lewis in Riverside.
Oh, cool. Still the grind.
Still grinding. He's still grinding.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just hitting it.
Yeah. I think we need to help you a little more.
Hey, man. I just really want to do stand-up, man.

I get it.

I get it.

Well, let's do this.

But Bobby's taken from you so much.

What can he give to you?

What do you mean?

What do you mean?

You've just taken.

No, I haven't.

So many people.

I've helped him so much.

Will they help him more then?

Did you ever open for... Andrew, he's open for me.

He wouldn't open for me.

I've never asked him.

Yeah, he's never asked.

You didn't ask me.

I don't know. then did you did you ever open for andrew he's open for me he's why he wouldn't open for me i've never asked yeah he's never i you didn't ask me i asked you everybody i asked you to do it everybody wants to ask me so i mean i feel like i've done more yeah you have maybe 100 100 but it's just different with doc yeah it is in fact in fact you're here not because of him but you're not you're here because You're here because of me.
But you're a store guy. He's a store guy, but you're a born and raised store guy.
That's right. So you have a method that you was taught and that was inherently given to you to miss.
You worked at the club. As the guys like him, 90% of the guys that come that's just regulars like him, they never take no more.
He is not organic store. With the exception of like Al Madrigal.
I'm organic store. I'm real.
That's what you're saying, right? I'm real store. I mean, you know, yeah.
He is not real store. Put it that way.
Of course I'm fucking real store. No, you're not.
Am I not real store? He's definitely... Who's more real? Who's more real? Andrew Ryan, be honest.
Real store? What the fuck is... What is an innocuous bullshit thing? Listen, honestly.
No, because it's a fake question. Real store? What the fuck does that mean? They both got passed by Missy, so you both real.
You know goddamn well. fake question real store what the fuck does that mean both got passed by missy so you both real you know goddamn well you mean real store born and raised okay born and raised and then yeah yeah because you used to work there no it's not beyond that yeah you worked there you fucking scumbag that's the only reason why you're it's the only reason because you were so you slum the phones and i didn't do that no that's that's the only difference i put the same fucking work that you did.
Shut the fuck up. You don't get to throw around bullshit.
Why are you getting so angry? Because I get to defend myself. Let me finish my point though.
Can I finish my point? My point is this. I'll tell you what you're like.
You're like Spade. Spade? You got good and you got a name.
Then you got into the store that way. I got good at the store.
Where I started at the store and I grew. Then I started at the fucking store.
He watched me start at the store. Are you out of your mind? I was there when me and fucking D'Elia saw you for the first time in the OR.
I started at the store. Yeah.
So I didn't get good and come to the store. Stop arguing.
I'm not arguing with you. I'm just throwing facts down, man.
Relax. All right.
And I remember me and Delia looked at each other and we saw you perform and we've told you the story before. I remember.
Right? And you killed? Yeah. Who kills like that if they're not developed already? Think.
I developed at the club. No, you didn't.
Yes, I did. You were good already.
He saw me. How many nights? You saw me at the club playing late club you weren't doing stand-up you weren't bobby you weren't there for the late night spots when i was getting late nighters you weren't fucking there he was there listen let doc say but i was gonna ask you didn't you didn't do comedy before that at the at the club yeah i was doing other shit oh but the store is where i went every fucking night but I mean I would go do a show in fucking Santa Monica back the old West Side Theater oh so you weren't in the clubs all over no man the first club that passed me was the improv but back then it wasn't the same you would get passed and then they'd give you a spot once a fucking month so you weren't there with the club i could go every night fine thank you all right it's like you're like a guy i am a fucking guy i know you're like a guy like if i was born in this country and you moved here when you were 10 immigrant not an immigrant but you're kind of still american kind of you know you're gonna tell me to go back to my country go back to the fucking improv dude go back to the improv because we don't need you you're not real who are you talking to you don't even go to the store anymore well really I was there last time going tonight and tomorrow see something is talking it's you it's not mine my phone's off it's got to be you it's not me it's Bobby or it's downstairs it's Bobby it's Bobby they can fucking hear it what what what open your phone up and find out what's going on you're probably on a call still no we can hear it it's not me you're out of your fucking mind the boys can hear it can't you boys we just heard it did you like yeah but it's not.
Grab my phone. There's nothing on here.
You're so stupid. It's like you're losing an argument.
No, I'm not losing. You present it.
See what he does? It's called gaslighting. It's called gaslighting.
It's his favorite thing to fucking do. I'm just saying that, you know, I just want to settle this right now, okay? You're a store guy through and through.

100%. I'm more store.

Let's move on.

I mean, fine.

It's a fact.

It's fine.

I mean, I'm funnier there, but yeah, you're good.

Yeah, you do well.

Okay, that's fine.

Please don't.

You do do well.

How do you say, man?

I mean, Doc.

Shots fired on me.

Bro, bro.

No, you're funny.

You're so much funnier than I am.

I know.

And you kill better.

I know.

And you're a better comic.

I know.

Okay. Better actor.
You're everything better. I know.
Yeah, you fuck better. I know.
Everything's better. I know.
Okay. But you're an original store guy.
Yeah. That's what you got.
Yeah, yeah. Well, you got it.
Yeah, I did get it. And you're just a visitor.
A faker. I'm a faker? Yeah, you're not real.
Do you want to start? No, no, no. Whoa, let's start.
That's what I thought. The demons is coming out.
These claws will fucking start ripping. Yeah.
So anyway, let's move past- I'm happy that you're back, by the way. I missed you.
I missed you so much. Go suck your dick.
Who called you? Who called you while you were gone? Where were you? I was in New York. He went to New York.
I call him all the fucking time to see how he is. New York is the greatest, man.
Love New York. I love going to fucking New York.
I miss going. I feel like I don't get opportunities to go anymore.
And also now, New York is so much hotter than LA comedy wise that I feel like they're alive over there. We feel like we're in this weird coma.
Like we're just getting out of it. New York's always been the best of them.
I know. But even post COVID, I'm saying it's alive as fuck.
I went to the cellar. It's bumping.
It's not like that at the store. I don't know, man.
What do you mean? Did you go to the cellar? no but what I I not like that at the store I don't know man what do you mean did you go to the cellar

no but

what I

I do feel though

because you know

I'm staying in Brooklyn

no D on the end

just Brooklyn

you put a D on it

Brooklyn

yeah no it's Brooklyn

no it's not Brooklyn

I was in Brooklyn

which is what I said

twice

I don't know where you get the D

maybe it's my phone

but um

did anybody else hear a D

I heard a D

yeah

okay

I was in

I said it wrong

Thank you. Which is what I said twice.
I don't know where you get the D. Maybe it's my phone, but...
Did anybody else hear a D?

I heard a D.

Yeah.

Okay.

I said it wrong.

Brooklyn.

Brooklyn?

Yeah.

And I'm walking about in town, right?

Yeah.

In Brooklyn.

Correct.

Right?

And there's a lot of Bad Friends fans.

A big time.

Right?

And they're like, what are you doing here? We never thought... Some guy goes, I just never thought I'd ever see you here.
You're shooting on the stages. That's why, right? In Brooklyn? No, I was shooting on the stages, but the hotel is right in the middle of white.
Wait, why? The stages are in Manhattan? It's in Brooklyn. No, that's what I'm saying.
You're shooting the stages in Brooklyn. That's why they put you over there.
And you're walking the streets all day just meeting bad friends people yeah it was amazing who's who what do you mean who you fucking he said that fan yeah yeah that fan that fan was there what are you talking about that fan I thought that's what you said I couldn't even understand he's just like Rudy I know I know that's why I picked him I thought you said that bad friends fan the show oh bad friends oh my bad I thought you said that fan I thought you said that. Bad Friends fan, the show.
Oh, Bad Friends. Oh, my bad.
I thought you said that fan. Doc, awesome.
You said that. Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc, Doc.
Doc, I said. Goose.
If you play back the recording, I said Bad Friends. I don't know where you get that fan from.
My bad. That's what it sounds like to me.
I was over here like, that fan got that many fans in New York? That's what I thought. Let me back this up.
Yeah. Fuck.
Have you been getting a lot of ass lately? Is that what I missed? Did I miss a lot of you? This is what it is. Yeah.
I've been trying to find how to get this goddamn comedy going. So that's where I've been.
Yeah. Just trying to do that and working at a regular part-time job with Amazon.
That's all I've been doing. What are you doing with Amazon? Just doing some shopping.
It's like, you know, they give me an iPhone, people shop, and then I go and shop for the food for them, put them in bags, and then they send them off. That's it.
That's easy. Yeah, it's an easy job.
You do it at the warehouse or is it at a store? Both. One of them, it's not a warehouse per se.
It's more of just like a big shopping center with just us in there. No customers or nothing.
And we just shop. Do you put in headphones? You don't have to talk to anybody? They don't let us no more.
Why? Because safety regulations. You don't do your thing.
Do you have an Instagram? Yeah. What is it? Doc Willis Comedy.
Can you believe this guy asked me? I don't even follow it. Do you follow it? Do you have a podcast? No.
Why wouldn't you have a podcast with a voice like that? That's just, man. Listen to the smoothness of that.
It's so smooth. Will you introduce this show real quick? Will you go, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Bad Friends Podcast featuring Andrew Santino, Bobby Lee, and me, Doc Willis.

Say that real smooth.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Bad Friends Podcast.

Take two.

Take two.

Go ahead.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Bad Friends Podcast with Bobby Lee and my boy, Andrew Santino.

Get it.

Damn, that's good.

Would you say this with me?

You notice how we put my boy in front of me Yeah yeah yeah I just like it Do this Go deeper Bobby I'm not saying No because I'm Throwing a football Oh the football Oh go deeper Bobby No slow it down though Go deeper Bobby Good Go It's hard to say. For some reason.
So slower. Yeah.
I really got to do this for this guy, man. Yeah, you do.
All right, you know what? For you. It's my show.
Go deeper, Bobby. Doc.
You see my face, though. But now imagine, Doc, now imagine Bobby is Bobby's.
You're locked in a room, Doc, you're locked, and he's got to smash on the door. No, no, no, locked in a room.
And then you say, go harder, Bobby, because he's got to smash the room, smash the door. Say that one.
Yeah. Let me do it, because I'm envisioning.
He's got to, go harder, Bobby. Slow it down, though, slow it down.
Deeper voice. Go harder, Bobby.
I like that. I like that a lot.
Yeah. Give give him another one and then it's like imagine now yeah just imagine that you guys are you're making like you're hard boiling you're hard boiling eggs hard boiled eggs you know and you gotta take them out before they get too hard otherwise you know what I mean it gets bad so say ooh take it out Bobby ooh take it out Bobby yeah real slow twice no no this is for the this is for the animated this is okay this is acting ooh take him out Bobby take it out it's just one egg so he's only boiling one egg boiling one egg he says not He says not that hungry of a guy.
He's not making a salad? No. Okay.

Ooh, take it out, Bobby.

Perfect.

I got one.

All right.

You got another one?

Yeah, I'm coming to your house.

I'm coming to your house. This is the final.

I knock on your door, right?

Just say slowly, come inside, Bobby.

Let him in the house.

No, come inside, Bobby.

Come inside.

Come inside, Bobby.

That sounds real inviting. It sounds warm and welcome warm and welcome feels good yeah okay good I don't know what I feel so fucked up yeah yeah we're you know we we love you we're just kidding you know I really you know I fuck with you but you know that's what it is that's what our relationship is I want to say I want to ask you a to ask you a real question.
When you did leave the store, what did you say to Adam? Did you say goodbye to anybody? I said goodbye to everybody because everybody knew I was going to leave. And they actually threw me like a- I know.
But I'm saying, I know that. But I mean, did you privately go up to people and say some shit or no? or no? Did you ever go up to anybody and have your final goodbyes like a fuck you to anybody that you didn't like? Nah.
No? But let me ask you this because it wasn't Are there guys that you didn't like? Nobody worked for all that Are there guys you didn't like? There were guys there you couldn't there was for sure guys you didn't like. Yeah.
I mean I wouldn't even say yeah that I did yeah it's definitely guys I didn't like but it's not they ain't worth my energy they ain't worth my time who was the biggest asshole to you in the lot in the lot Ahmed Ahmed oh my god it's like I can't even it's like it's a given I this Alright so what happened with him was You know how I parked the cars And this is back when they used to be crazy on the lot Right? Right Jam packed Just to let people know The parking lot probably legally fits seven cars Yeah six or seven cars They fit 20 to 30 cars I'm not exaggerating To the point where there is a Hyatt next door, or Andes, right? A hotel. A hotel, and there's a gigantic driveway that goes up.
Incline driveway, yeah. They made some sort of deal where we could park our cars along that railing.
Just on the rail. All the way up.
Right, to the house. Yeah, and I've seen Chris Rock's car be towed.
I mean, crazy shit, right? So it's a clusterfuck, to the least i've done it before and i did it one night and i don't know if it was an asian or whatever they just said you can't do it again you do yeah your sheer disregard yeah yeah you know how i drive oh yeah i don't think they're gonna do it so bad right i know you know so what so tell me what do. So he says Doc get my car and I get his car and I pull it out I move all the cars you know how you gotta do this goddamn Tetris in the back.
Yeah yeah. I move it get it and then he's not ready to go.
So I fucking had to get other people out I had to maneuver again to move people back and put this shit back and then he came out again 30 minutes later and was like i gotta go and i go fuck and i do it again yeah and then he leaves again then yeah he comes back out i move all the cars then i move all the cars on the ramp this time it's like 11 30 it's jam-packed this is when everybody's there yeah that's like so i move all the cars on the ramp and i had to put three cars on sunset so i had to block the driveway of the hyatt for people to go in and coming out oh my god so and the car i was in i had to come out to the second lane on the other side of that and block that whole lane our man pulls up my god and he starts talking to Chris D'Elia from the Trump for like five minutes. This motherfucker.
Then he, and then

the... up and he starts talking to Chris D'Elia from the truck for like five minutes.
This motherfucker. And then the police come and they honk the siren at me.
Hey, move your car. You're blocking.
I go, man, this guy. Fuck.
So I pull back in. He's still talking.
Then he's like, okay, doc. I want to go.
I go, you want to fucking go now i said okay so i pull back out and block the traffic again now mind you the cars are still blocking the driveway of all the cars trying to get out right like they're stuck now now i got a line there everybody's honking at me and they're like who's this little black gary coat you know what i'm saying he's fucking doing yeah right so i pull back out he pulls up and then he stops and starts talking to neil brennan now by this time the cops see what's going on yeah they yell from the siren to him hey no no actually i get out the car and i start yelling at him yeah i mean what the fuck yeah why don't you look at this yeah this is crazy yeah and then he pulls up yeah and he says hey doc you know you should have a little bit more zen about this is zen are you fuck do you see this shit like man he was like you know that's a little bit too much and then the cop yells from the speakerphone hey move your car you have all the traffic back up he's like oh okay officer alright I'm like oh you wanna listen to the officer yeah yeah that was like god and then the next day he came in we got into an argument about it oh you got into a fight about and then he and then like it was something i had to do later on and i wanted to contact him about something and he fucking blocked me on facebook and deleted me oh my god fuck so i was just like That was it for you? Yeah, that was like, fuck. But we, after that, I think we had made up after that.
But it was just like, that was like the worst I've ever... Most bullshit you dealt with? Yeah.
I don't know, man. That just triggered me, that story.
Did it? A little bit. Because of the past? Yeah.
It brings up a lot. It triggered me.
Bobby is so maniacal. He plans someone's demise and when he watches them fall, he sits in his underwear in his little room and his little fingers.
Yes, you love that shit. You love watching your enemies get fucked.
Listen, listen. I'm in real deep therapy right now.
Just hear me out, okay? And I'm addressing all that stuff, right? As in today? Did you go today? Yesterday I did. How was it? It was good.
But my point is that there's issues that I look at. Like I ask, why do I do certain things? Why do I behave in the way I behave? It's like a lot of it's just fear really well fear of what um rejection and i also have i avoid things because i i fear trauma right and it's like um i'll just give you an example the the two jobs that i'm doing right now right which is the reservation dogs and sex in the city are two jobs that I'm doing right now, right, which is the reservation dogs and sex in the city.
Yeah. Are two jobs that in the beginning I turned down because of fear.
Fear that you couldn't – I just – you know, one of them was a doctor. It's like, do I even know how to do that? To be a doctor.
Yeah, and the other one was something else. Do I know how to do that? And it turns out that I know i mean i do and you know but it's like but before i would just not do things because of fear because things you know so that's something that you know that you're working through yeah and it's also i i do have this thing where i get slighted by people and i um by who by? Yeah.
Who's slighting you?

It's not a slight.

It's like one time I want to name that person, but two years ago, before the pandemic, I was in the OR.

And the guy, it was Martin Lawrence.

I was literally next.

Yeah.

And he goes, but Bobby Lee.

And as I'm walking, some other person walked in front of me and went up on stage i gotta go she goes i gotta she goes i gotta go i'm going up now in my head i'm like and this person never apologized right so i hold on to those little things but now i let them go you're learning to let them go yes you still have a few in your belly there's some you'll never let go no i no i really will let it go you will even something happened to me recently that i'm letting go you want to say it what is it who did it you know what it is man oh fine i'm letting go do you hold on to shit do you go to therapy no you don't go to i should have my mother told me i should have when i was when i was younger why do you think why do you think you want it you don't want to do it you think it's not cool is it just like at the time what if you want to be honest with you yeah there was this street shit you just can't talk to a therapist about right what there's street shit you can't talk to a therapist about what isn't there a confidentiality hell no what the fuck no you ever you ever go uh if you ever there's a there's an italian mafia hit a guy named michael francis you know what i'm And so he did a podcast with Vlad all the time. Yeah.

And then he said

on there he was talking about whether Sopranos was true. And he said that he said, are you kidding me? He said if a mafia member went to a therapist he'll end up in a trunk a week later.
That's how it is. Street guys can't go to a therapist.
You just don't... If you've done things as a teenager on the street, wilding out.
So you can't go to a therapist and be like, yeah, you know, this happened. This is like one of those things where you just go, okay, well, you know what? We're going to let this one go.
They have to tell the cops if they hear anything illegal. If you do anything illegal at all, they're going to snitch.
Hmm. They don't have your back like that.
That's not your buddy. So you're saying that you have certain things that you did in your past that were illegal that could get in trouble now.
No. I doubt that.
I don't think he's ever seen. Here's the thing.
Here's the thing. You can't kill anybody with a squirt gun.
That's what he... That's what he does.
Those mini baseball bats you got in front of him. Everyone has a machine that he's...
No, you know, and then like, well, here's one thing, Dad, I just couldn't talk to her about was when I was selling crack, my father was on crack, so I used to sell crack to my father. Oh, shit.
So like, that's one of the things. Would you charge him full little family discount yeah i used to hook him up you know i'm saying but here's what happened right did that did you ever feel guilty selling crack to your old man after he died but that first night when he was a lot no because he would he would smoke his whole check away right right and you should so and he never gave you money yeah so when he would bad for me it was like child support yeah no not even child support it was more like uh kids would be like, hey, where you should.
And he never gave you money. Yeah, so when he would buy it from me, it was like.

Child support.

Yeah, not even child support.

It was more like kids would be like, hey, where do you get the new shoes from?

I would be like, yeah, my daddy bought me these.

You know what I'm saying?

I didn't have to tell him that he bought crack.

It's like my father.

You know what I'm saying?

How much have you talked about that on stage?

I may have talked about it once, twice maybe.

So you're telling me you're not. It's a dark area.
No, it's it's a great area it's real You sold crack to your old man So did he die from crack? No no no Suicide Oh fuck It's been a long time It's so fucked to laugh about it Why is it so funny I don't know What did he do Yeah how did he kill himself I found him in the basement You found him Yeah I thought you knew this I didn't know I didn't know You found him Oh fuck You found him Yeah Me and my mother No he hung himself He hung himself And so Don't What Don't What I wasn't gonna do anything Don't I'm not I'm just asking go ahead don't what I wish I knew what you thought I was going to do because I want to do it but I don't think you I'm not locked into was your dad as tall as you or taller he was taller than me I just got the bad end of the stick my mama was taller than me she was about Bobby height how high were the ceilings in the basement regular you know regular height he did it with a chair you were thinking it you were thinking it I know that's what I you son of a bitch I wasn't even thinking about the height thing you know how hard it would have been for him to get him down? Just got to go to the garage and get the biggest fucking ladder they've got. That's fucking funny, bro.
His mom's like, come on, Doc, hurry up. So fun.
So he was awful. For real, you need to talk about that shit.
That's so real. So you walked in, you saw him, you know, dangling.
I'll tell you, I'll tell you know dangling i'll tell you i'll tell you like it's not a fucking tell us how it happened yeah uh chicago what year detroit detroit i mean detroit 1991 1991 right so y'all gonna edit this out right hell no but anyway he he was supposed to bring my mother because they had separated yeah because i moved she moved me out so that i can get myself together and then she moved and then so he can try to get himself together but he never did so he was supposed to take her some clothes the rest of her things and he never showed up she called me he had actually called me before her and he tells me that he's going to kill himself and then he tells me told you yeah yeah he went through the whole thing and we talked about it and he told me and i said uh well you don't have to do it blah blah blah and i said you know you know you can fight this he's like nah i can't and then he told, he left me some instructions to take care of my mother and my grandmother. And he was like, so then, when my mother called me, she was like, he's supposed to bring these clothes.
He never came. Can you go and get the clothes? And I go, oh, shit.
So I forgot that I actually talked to him early. Like, completely forgot.
So he said, I'm going to kill myself. And you're like, yeah, yeah, I got stuff to do.

Oh, no, no, no.

Let me...

How could you forget?

It was four days later.

Oh, I was like the same fucking day?

No, no, no.

It was four days later.

That's what it was.

But did you really believe he was...

Did he meant it when he said that or no?

Yeah, because he tried to kill himself before that.

Shit.

Oh, my God.

And me and my mother caught and found him on the ground.

Did you...

Did you...

What, same thing? Try to hang himself? No, this time he had drunk a bottle of iodine iodine yeah yeah almost but he didn't so wait a minute so hold on one second so then he told you that day yeah did you go call anybody or talk to anybody or did you not say a word like i didn't say anything because you told nobody yeah because i didn't even like it didn't even register after i got off the phone with him that he was gonna actually go and try to attempt it i forget you know i'm 17 you thought it wasn't that you thought it was yeah he'll be all right man he's just having a bad day you know right so then four days later then four days later she called me he's supposed to bring the clothes can you go get the clothes yeah i get in

the car i go over there do you have a feeling on the way there that something's wrong or no

yeah 100 you knew yeah you're like so when i got there i was like oh shit and because i didn't tell her i was like oh shit i did talk no because she asked me what can i call a smart car she asked me she said did you talk to him it was a wind up

you had to pull it all the way back

before he got in it was a wind up

you had to pull it all the way

you had to pull it all the way back

before he got in

okay doc go

so dick

you done?

yeah I put it

he's like

hold it down

now are you done?

okay I'm done

so you go

so uh

we go

what happened

oh so

Thank you. it down yeah all right now are you done okay i'm done yeah yeah all right so you go so uh we go what happened oh so when she told me that and she asked me did you talk to him and i go yeah i'll talk to him friday but that's it so she's like we'll go back to the house so i go over there like i say and when i got to the front door and i got ready to open the door one of my friends from from she one of the street dudes ran up to, hey man.
He said, hey, your pops been in this house, man. He said, we haven't seen him since Friday.
He said, you know, your pops used to let the dog out. Something wrong.
Let's kick the door in. And I said, nah, man.
No, no. Wait.
I was about to open the door. I said, damn, I forgot my goddamn key.
And then he was like, kick the door in, man. I'm telling you, man, he ain't been out.
He in there. Something wrong.
And I was like, nah, man, chill out. Let me go get my key and I'll be back.
You went back home. Yeah, I went back home to get my key.
You went and got a sandwich. So, yeah.
Yeah, fucking. Man, I'm hungry.
I would break the door down. I mean, it's.
Nah, nah, because I still didn't think nothing really at that point. You didn't think? Too much.
No, I felt it. But I'm saying I was more like, man,, nah, chill.
Don't go there. Yeah, you're probably fighting the feelings.
Yeah. So I was like, damn.
I said, okay. How far is your house from there? No, you're talking.
30 minutes. Yeah.
Like I'm on the east, that's on the west side of Detroit. I was on the east side.
Oh my God. With my aunt.
So it's a pretty big distance. So I go home, get the key, and then it kicks in.
And I'm like, holy shit, let me go get my mama. So I drive up to the job and I was like, hey, you got to come with me.
And she's like, what? And I'm like, you got to come with me. I said, something wrong like that.
And she goes, are you, you, okay. And then she then she goes in tell her whatever and then we leave so we get there and as soon as we open the door and we walk in no no we walk when i walk when before we open the door the dog runs into the window and he's got foam all on his mouth and he's barking like hella aggressive he never looked like looked like this.
And I go, what the fuck? Probably hasn't eaten and drank anything in days. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
So I'm like, fuck. And I'm like, calm down.
And when he sees me, he starts going crazy. He starts getting happy.
What's the dog's name? What's the dog's name? Lee. His name is Lee.
Bobby Lee. What a moment.
Anyway. So then I go in.
That's his real name, too, Lee. I believe you.
L-E-E. So we go in and she says, you go upstairs and see if he up there.
And then I'm going to check down here. You said that.
In the living room. She said that to me.
So I go upstairs and this guy has all the doors to the rooms closed upstairs. Bathroom door, every door closed.
And I'm like, fuck. So I'm like, all right, fuck it.
If you want one of these rooms, I guess I'm gonna find them. I kick open my old bedroom door, it's not in there.
I kick open the bathroom bedroom door, then there was another door down the hallway, I kicked that door open. Then they masked the bedroom, I was like, shit! So I waited, and then I pushed the door, I kicked it open, well not kicked it open, pushed it open, and And then I looked in and all the sheets were pulled off the bed.
And in the middle of the bed, there was a life insurance. So I looked at him and I said, what the fuck is this? Because he worked for four or two.
So I looked at the life insurance and I was like, what is this? And I said, okay, whatever. And I go down the stairs.
You didn't put that together? You didn't? If the sheets are pulled off the bed, there's a life insurance thing on the bed you think nothing about it bro i'm telling you just like that just fucking just willy-nilly doc's like doc like there was this note saying goodbye and i was like what is this is he going on vacation this dude's leaving so many fucking breadcrumbs and doc is like where is he outside so? Is he outside? So then you go, what, to the basement? Yeah. So no.
So then I go down to the living room. And my mother's in the living room.
And she's like, he's not in here. And I said, OK.
She said, he's not in the kitchen. He no way around here.
At any point, are you yelling out, Pop, Dad, are you guys yelling through the house? No, we never called for him. No.
Yeah, yeah. And then so I say, well, hell no.
Because for me, I told you I was already feeling eerie and shit. I was like, man, oh, fuck.
And I'm like, I'm already just like, damn, like this might be. So she says to me something about the dog in the basement.
And the dog kept grabbing my pants and pulling me toward the basement. It'd run back, grab my pants and I kept slapping.
I'm like, stop playing.

Lee? Yeah, Lee. I said, Lee, stop playing.

You knew.

I was like, yeah, you knew. That's good.
Listening.

Yeah. My friend.
Anyway.

So

we

she says, well, the dog

is probably hungry. Go downstairs and get his

palace in the basement. I go, oh, shit.

I said, you didn't go in the basement?

And she goes, what? I go, you didn't

I'm going to go. She says, well, the dog is probably hungry.
Go downstairs and get his palace in the basement. And I go, oh, shit.
I said, you didn't go in the basement? And she goes, what? I go, you didn't go in the fucking basement? And I said, listen, call the police right now. And then she goes, what? What's wrong with you? And I said, no, call the police.
She said, boy, come here and go in this basement with me. And I was like, nah, you need to.
So you knew. Of course you knew.
I knew then. Life insurance.
Sheets, doors closed. Four days.
The dog going, it's in here. Whenever he smoked crack, he always smoked.
He always smoked in the basement. So that was like the first place she should have checked.
I was like, he fucking probably was in the basement because he smoked crack in the basement. He would never smoke crack upstairs? I don't know.
I just only came home. We surprised him.
He in the basement. Oh, shit.
Happy birth. He's like, oh, no.
Cracked up. I had a real shit though.
There was just a couple of times where he didn't hear us come in or whatever and go in the basement. I'm like, god damn.
You in there smoking crack? Get back to the day. Okay, now.
Okay. So there's this door.
We open the door and there's this stench come up. I said, oh shit.
Oh my God. What does that smell like? Crack.
No, it's dead body. For me, yeah.
And crack. And it's the summer too.
So it's been out there for about four days. Summertime crack.
Yeah. So, man.
Damn. Damn, dude.
So you walk down the stairs so she's i'm behind her i stopped like five stairs before her i'm like i'm not going down the stairs it's like a haunted house and she was like get down here and come down here it ain't what are you talking about like that she's not thinking nothing i said all right so i start coming down and she gets down to coming down. I'm about a couple of stairs behind her.
Yeah. And she goes, see, look, that's all this doodle on the ground.
You smell it, blah, blah, blah. And then I look down.
I said, oh, I guess you're right. And then she looks up and she says, what are you? Like she's about to ask him what he's doing to question.
And then I would turn and I ready look at him and she screamed and then she pushed me it was like so for me right now to this day i still don't have that image of what was over here the only image i have now is just her face so when when i look like this over here towards him she screamed and pushed me so it was like a boom boom so it wasn't enough for me to grasp a hundred percent and just well i grasped it but not enough to where it it fucked with me but it wasn't as bad that i i feel like it wasn't so you never looked at the body not at all she went back in the house and everything and touched him and everything god damn i like shit so you never after that you never saw it again no i going nah. Until you went to the funeral? Yep.
You had an open casket? Well he No because he was so swollen you couldn't have an open casket. Oh my God.
So we didn't even get to have it open. Wow.
This is a comedy podcast spot. You asked.
Man how do we You asked for the story. How do we We can make some jokes.
Huh? We can make some jokes. Go ahead.
Well, we did throw a couple in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He was swollen and you couldn't have a funeral? Nah. Black people love funerals.
No, we don't. Nobody likes funerals.
They dress up. They do it.
I've seen some really good. I've seen some where they prop up the body at his favorite video game table.
Yeah, that's some weird shit that they do now. I'm like the why are the fuck people doing really shit yeah some black fienders they go all the fuck out with latino black fienders they now they if they have a favorite thing that they like to do they put them in that position at a position and decorate like and pass up the bill for them like a set yo can you bring this up i don't know if i want to see this no it's not it's not gonna creep you out i mean it's just it just, it's not going to I don't want to see a guy playing Warzone, but he's dead.
And they're standing around him like yo! I swear to God. That's crazy.
I swear to God it's the wildest shit. Look at that.
Look at that. Look at that.
Like a guy in a boat. Oh my God.
That's hilarious. That's hilarious.
That's a white guy though right there. Yeah, that is.
White's doing it too, huh? Wait Elvis a dead guy no no no okay up to the right you see that dead people life like poses that's it dead people life like poses right there that's a woman they propped up there that's dead unbelievable click on that article that'll tell you that's unbelievable you know Shan shanie she loved her wine so we proper bush light hold look at that drink and go down and see if there's insane wait wait she said look at like look at this no that's insane look at this dude let me zoom it in the body of mickey esterling in new york's new orleans socialite sits on a bench surrounded by flowers look at, my. I think that's a good idea.
You want to be like this? Yeah. Scroll down a little bit.
Look at this one. Look at how crazy that is.
No, no. Dude, why don't pass the photo? That? Stay.
Lynette Carmona, right. The wife of late boxer Christopher Riviera hugs the boxer.
The guy to the left is a boxer that's dead? He's dead. Yeah, he's dead.
No, he's alive. That guy's going, I'm getting the next hug.
That's really a guy. That's a guy.
Look at this. That's how they do it.
That's insane. Stands next to his body, propped up in a fake boxing ring in San Juan, Puerto Rico.
Dude, this is a thing. Go down, go down.
This is amazing. This guy's on the floor.
No, no, no. Why are you missing the photo? There's no way.
Yeah. Look at this guy.
A guy on a motorcycle. That's his.
Go guy look at this guy the body of David Morales was placed on his motorcycle in peculiar viewing ceremony that his family requested shot in San Juan, Puerto Rico apparently it's a lot of Puerto Ricans that are doing this shit that's dope thing. I don't think that I know of.
Scroll down. This is amazing.

Oh, I wish there was more.

There's none more.

Do Puerto Rican-themed funerals.

Apparently, the Puerto Ricans got this shit on lock.

Show this to Doc, Doc.

Doc, do you know?

Doc.

Look at that, Doc.

Do you know what that is?

Yeah, Steve.

That's Steve and Bobby's mom.

Oh, and their father. My dad died.
Right in the moment my dad died right now he's dead he takes his photo right now right this moment no no no not today I mean in this picture I was about to say what kind of shit is this trust me we've said it before okay this guy he has this in his I mean you took that picture Bobby yes look at this guy That's amazing. That's amazing.
I'm telling you, the Puerto Ricans made that. Look at that.
Yeah, see? Gambling. Gambling.
With his homie. With his homie.
Whatever they like, that's the theme of it. Oh my.
Puerto Rican theme. It's black dudes and Puerto Rican dudes.
That's who does it. Look at the milk crate.
And what is that one? What? Is that the guy waving? No, no, that's a sketch. Oh.

That's a sketch.

No, that's just a regular picture.

That.

Standing him up in the corner.

How old is that kid?

Puerto Rican gangster propped up, playing dominoes at his own funeral.

No, that's a real guy.

There's no way that's a guy.

It says Sam on Puerto Rico.

The dead man is sitting with his eyes open at his own funeral. That motorcycle is sweet, though.

That motorcycle clip is bad as fuck.

That's insane.

It's so morgan.

I don't know what it is.

Look at this guy.

Yeah, yeah.

He was a drummer.

Look at it.

They put it outside.

Isn't that weird?

That's outside the funeral.

Yeah.

What would you do?

What would you want your body to do?

I don't know. What position do I want in? Yeah.
This in this podcast studio, just in front of the podcast, Mike, you and me. Yeah.
I would just say, put me in like diapers. Yeah.
Put me in a gigantic panda. Uh-huh.
I have a lasso. I'm on the pan.
You know what I mean? Riding the panda? Yeah. Just.
I I could see that I could see you hanging from like a bamboo tree like Doc and I die at the same time oh here it is would you be mad at that we're dead already what does it matter what does it matter you're both dead yeah and we're just like um like 69 you know i'm the bottom i have my hands on like this i'm going to that field what about my wishes oh that's true what do you want what do you want doc how do you want to be totally as far away from this guy how do you want to be propped what would your theme if i had if? If I had a pro... Oh, damn.
That would be... Just make you tall? Duncan.
Yeah, they make you Duncan. Just fucking...
But just hanging from the hoop? Now, here's something. With Bobby in it, under my nuts.
Oh, Duncan on Bobby's ass. And you're like this.
How funny to see... Stick my tongue out.
How funny, though, if they hook Doc

on the hoop and he just hanging from the hoop.

That would be so funny.

That would be so funny.

Let's have Doc sign off.

Say thank you for being a bad friend.

Look at that camera, that one in the corner and say thank you

for being a bad friend. Slow and smooth.

We might put some funky ass music beneath it.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

No, no, no. Come on.
Draw that shit out like it.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Draw it the fuck out.
Thank you for being a bad friend. No, no, no.
Come on, draw that shit out like, thank you for being a bad friend.

You know, draw it the fuck out.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Damn, I love that.

So good. Yeah.
Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.