Andrew & Bobby Hide a Body

Speaker 1 Hey bad friends, I'm on tour. Go to AndrewSantino.com for tickets.
I'm all over the U.S. I'm going to San Francisco and Boston and Seattle and Portland and Atlanta and I'm everywhere.

Speaker 1 So go to AndrewSantino.com for tickets. AndrewSantino.com for those tickets.
Also,

Speaker 1 Bad Friends fans, 20% off the entire site. For merch.
For merch. This week from the 23rd to the 29th, go to bad friendsmerch.com.
Bad friends. 20% off.
20% off. The entire site.
Entire site.

Speaker 1 Go to badfriendsmerch.com.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 1 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 You two or something. We're bad friends.
Look at that. Who wrote that?

Speaker 1 That's Prince. That's Prince P D, Prince P D, P P D.
Yeah. And that's King Fance.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who did that, Fancy?

Speaker 1 Look at this. Congratulations.
Fancy B has 35,000 followers. And what does George have? And what does George have? 20.
Whoa.

Speaker 1 29. Oh.

Speaker 1 He went back up. He did.
He was down to 18.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I think we're doing it a disservice.

Speaker 1 I think by promoting it, because there's always going to be... People feel bad.
It's like this. Yeah.
It's like when you look at like people, there's like people buy

Speaker 1 really bad music. Yeah, right? Yeah, because their tastes are bad.
Like Pete, what would Pete buy at the store? He's at the record store. Hi, I'm the guy at the record store.
You're Pete. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey, man, what's up? What were you looking for, album-wise?

Speaker 1 Oh, are you Pete from Bad Friends?

Speaker 1 Yeah, dude. Oh, dope.
I am. What kind of music can I find for you? I don't know how to pronounce it, so I'm just going to have to.
I wrote down. Sound it out.

Speaker 1 Yan,

Speaker 1 Jan, Yanni. Yanni? Yanni.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we have Yanni. You do? Yeah, of course.
And he works here.

Speaker 1 Yanni comes out. He's like, what's up, buddy?

Speaker 1 You like Mike Mule?

Speaker 1 I don't know why he's from Transylvania.

Speaker 1 Jules.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 1 Yeah, she just woke up, too.

Speaker 1 The amount of love I got in Denver for Jules was crazy. Really? And thank you for answering that.
I loved it so much. That was crazy.
Comedy World. I love that role.
They're finally back.

Speaker 1 It was the second week Marin was before, and they're finding their seat legs and all that stuff. And they were just like, dude, so happy to be back.
What are you doing?

Speaker 1 Just walking through the fucking... You know what I said? Do a Christian bail.

Speaker 1 That's what that's what that's like. Oh, good for you.

Speaker 1 Fix the camera.

Speaker 1 How can I work like this? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Under these conditions.

Speaker 1 So everyone asked about Rudy. And I broke them the bad news that you are actually going away to college to University of New Mexico.
Should we tell the the fans now? Yeah.

Speaker 1 She's going to University of New Mexico. What? You don't want me to share it? No, it's fine.
Well, so you're going to University of New Mexico and we're losing you in how many weeks now? Two weeks.

Speaker 1 Two weeks. She's gone.
She's gone. Dang.
And we're not going to have a replacement. I don't think we should.
Yeah, we're not going to have one. Who could replace you?

Speaker 1 I don't know.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it's a rhetorical question, but

Speaker 1 that is fine. I don't know.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Who could replace you? Let's think about that.

Speaker 1 And someone that we know. Who could replace you that we know? Well, it's got to be

Speaker 1 somebody brown. Who do we know?

Speaker 1 Nobody, really. We don't really need to know anybody.

Speaker 1 No, no one can replace you. We got to get it.
Why does it have to be that? What? Why do we have to replace her with a

Speaker 1 another brown girl? Yeah, brown girl. I just feel like it's, you know, that's like brown girl corner.
What do you like a fat white girl with a patch in her eye? If you can find it, I'll take it.

Speaker 1 Do you have a fat white girl in mind with a patch? Like Tourette's or something. Like a patch, Tourette's.
I like it. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I tried to watch Motherless Brooklyn on the plane. Did you watch that? No, what is that? Did you see that, Andre's? I did.
Motherless Brooklyn was with Sam Rockwell. Sam Rockwell? Edward Norton.

Speaker 1 Edward Norton. What's the difference? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Edward Norton, and he's got, and it's in the 1950s, and they're gangsters. Oh, I saw that being like a behind-the-scenes-y kind of thing.
And he's got a tick. He's like,

Speaker 1 you know, he does the

Speaker 1 autistic tick, do it. Or whatever.
Yeah, do the tick. Tourette's.
I don't want. Do a Tourette's tick.

Speaker 1 Cant! Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 1 That's what he does. Cant! Yeah, Kant, cat.

Speaker 1 Brooklyn, barp.

Speaker 1 And it was terrible. How bad was that movie, Andres? Pretty bad.
One of the worst I've ever seen. Really?

Speaker 1 By the way, Bruce Willis is such a hard ass, like, lovable hardass that we've loved for years and years. In this movie, you don't buy it.
Yeah, he's phoned it in, I feel like.

Speaker 1 Dude, 100%. He looks like a guy that, like, whatever is in front of him, he'll go, all right.
Fine. What's the money? How much? How much? I'll do it.
I'll do it.

Speaker 1 yeah that's like i just saw patton oswalt was doing a what was he doing i love him please don't no i'm not saying anything bad but it just threw me for a loop what was he he's doing like a sports betting commercial and i was like what yeah that guy's never picked up a bat or

Speaker 1 don't be rude no what

Speaker 1 because babe ruth was fat I didn't have anything to do with his weight. I just mean like his athletic prowess seems to be.
Yeah, yeah, Babe Ruth doesn't seem athletic. Sure, he does.

Speaker 1 He looks like a baker. What kind of baker, though? Like croissants or like scones? No, no, like an old school, like back in the day.
No, look at him. He was.

Speaker 1 That does not look like a baseball player. Look at how he's sliding.
I know. He's like,

Speaker 1 bread. Or a bread.

Speaker 1 That's what they promised him. His contract was bread.
He would get a loaf for every home run he hit. Yeah, yeah.
How many loaves did he get then?

Speaker 1 No, he was actually, that was kind of, wow, look at the face.

Speaker 1 His face looks like a baseball mitt. I mean, Jesus.
I mean, honestly, does that look like one of the greatest baseball players of all time? Yeah. No.
Is he?

Speaker 1 Well, he's one of the best hitters of all time. Yeah, I mean, he's legendary in the top five of all time.
Yeah. Babe Bruce.
Yeah. Ted Williams.
I mean, yes. Strawberry, Daryl Strawberry.

Speaker 1 No. Daryl Strawberry.
I mean, he's the best at doing cocaine and playing baseball.

Speaker 1 I'm just trying to think of all the baseball players I know. Let's name all the baseball players.
Let's go do that. Go, don't, do this.

Speaker 1 Let's do that. All right, all right.
Here we go. Rodriguez.
Which one? There is one, right? Well, which one, though? Do I get like 18 of them? It's such an easy one. That's 18 of them.

Speaker 1 There's such an easy Rodriguez. Who's the most famous Rodriguez you know? Rodrigo Rodriguez.

Speaker 1 No, Alex Rodriguez. A-Rod.
A-Rod. Okay, you got it.
That's the one with the Jennifer Lopez. That's the one with...
Used to have. Now Benny Benny.

Speaker 1 Now Benny Benny. Okay, so we've got A-Rod.
We've got Lil Manny. Manny.

Speaker 1 Another Mexican last name. Manny

Speaker 1 Trumpet.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Manny Trumpet. Manny Trumpet.
Okay. And he played for the...

Speaker 1 Please don't. Come on.
Sioux Falls. The Sioux Falls.
The Sioux Falls Idols. The Idaho Woo-Hoos.
The Idaho's. Oh, the Sioux Falls Idaho.
Yeah, the Sioux Falls Idaho. There he is.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Many Trumpet baseball player. And Pete's on it today.

Speaker 1 And then you have

Speaker 1 what else do you have? Come on. Gene Robinson.
Gene Robinson.

Speaker 1 Is there Robin?

Speaker 1 Robinson. Robinson.
Is there a Robinson, though? Caruso? No. No, no.
Is there a big Robinson guy? Stop. Don't look at.
Don't be afraid. Don't look at P-Pee.
Pete. Pete, don't show him.

Speaker 1 Robinson is his last name. He was a black guy.
What was his name? He played for the Dodgers. Jack Robinson.

Speaker 1 No, I'll be real, though. Yeah, you're right there.
Jack Robinson? But girly version. Jackie Robinson.
Jackie Robinson. Robinson.

Speaker 1 Robinson. Jackie.
Jackie Robinson. Jackie Robinson.
Right.

Speaker 1 Okay. This is really good.
No. What? Can you name any professional baseball players?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Okay. Good.
Thanks for trying.

Speaker 1 It's not. It's like, bring anything.
Connor. Connor.
Connor McGregor. Connor McGregor.
Connor McGregor. Yeah, he was very good.

Speaker 2 He's the UFC fighter.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Very good. Knock you out to play baseball.
No, no. But the only sport that I know is I know a lot of soccer.
Football. Football.
I know about, I can name probably 300.

Speaker 1 Okay, so for me, soccer is the only sport I don't know. I could name five.
I could name 300, 400. Maradona.
That's very good.

Speaker 1 And then the easy ones. What country did he play for?

Speaker 1 What his nation? Maradona. Espana.
No.

Speaker 1 Shut up, fans.

Speaker 1 Maradona.

Speaker 1 Is it South America? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Was he Brazil? No. No? Portugal? No.
That's not New York. Argentina? Yes.
Yeah, sorry. Tina.
Yeah. Blue.
Blue. I did know blue.
Okay, blue stripes. I did know blue stripes.

Speaker 1 The blue stripes, I do know that jersey. Okay, okay.

Speaker 1 Obviously, Pele, even though he's gone, but still, Pele Cal. He's still alive.
No, but he's not playing anymore. He's still playing very good.
No, he isn't. Pele Single.

Speaker 1 And then my very own. My very own.
Alexei Lawless. Alexey Lawless.
Love Alexey Lawless. Okay.
That's a very good one. I thought he was so cool when I was a kid.
I think

Speaker 1 that's what else? Well, then there's Beckham as easy. Yeah.
Then there's like

Speaker 1 Wayne Rooney.

Speaker 1 Good one. England, I know him.
He was great. Great.
And then I know like...

Speaker 1 Then the Easy. You know, 10 probably then, because there's so many big ones that you're missing out on.
But those guys, but I don't know, like.

Speaker 1 okay like there's a guy nolan nolan arenado uh-huh you don't know who that is no right that like you could name me 10 soccer players like that that i would never no like ryan giggs never heard one of the greatest soccer players yeah that's what i mean nolan is from wales

Speaker 1 um yeah um there's uh freddie youngberg one of the best that sounds fake it's not he was also you would fuck him let me freddie youngberg let me see if i'd bone him yeah yeah yeah my tastes have gotten better with athletes oh i could name you some soccer players that you would fuck name him well freddy youngberg Model.

Speaker 1 Freddie Youngberg model.

Speaker 1 Right there? No, that's not him. Youngberg.
No, he can. There it is.
Did you mean? Just click on Did You Mean, bud.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Is he the black guy for England? No, man. You're spelling it wrong.
Just do soccer.

Speaker 1 Freddie Youngberg soccer. Yeah, soccer will help you out a little bit, Pete.

Speaker 1 Is that him? No. Go up to.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean, you could. Yeah, one of them is.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 Yeah, him. Oh, young.
G. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 No, not playing. That's him playing, though.
That's him. He's sweating.
He's in the middle of the fucking game. That's what I get a model.
That's what I put Freddie Youngberg model.

Speaker 1 I find them the most attractive when they're swearing. No, no, no, no, no.
Freddy Youngberg model.

Speaker 1 Is he cute, Jules? No, no. See, no, he's not.
There we go. Now go to the third.
No. Oh, no.
Bro! Look at the tattoo. Zoom in.
It's a panther. I know, but look at the line between his pelvis there.

Speaker 1 That line. What do you call that line? Fuck gutters.
Yeah, the fuck gutter. I would stick my tongue and just go right down to the fucking channel.
You would. Yeah, channel and go right to the fucking.

Speaker 1 And you go,

Speaker 1 hot. My mouth train coming in hot.

Speaker 1 Zinedine Zidane.

Speaker 1 Hot. He's hot.
All right. He's hot.

Speaker 1 You know who's hot now as an older man? Eric Cantona. Cantona.
You know Cantona? Yeah. What about Ronaldo? Hot? Ronaldinho?

Speaker 1 Not hot. Not hot.
Fucked up teeth. Who's the ugliest soccer player? Oh, dude, you better look at this.
So this is the best one. Who is it? So there was a coach, manager, named David Moyes.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And David Moyes, right, used to play soccer as a younger man. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Look up David Moyes soccer young, as young, young. He looked good there.
No, when he was young. Okay, go to go to.
Go ahead and say it. Go ahead.
Go ahead and say it.

Speaker 1 Go ahead and say it, Rudy. Go ahead, Rudy.
Say it. It looks like you.
Yeah, it does. Yeah, yeah.
It does. Go to the second one, right? Go to the second one.
At that one. I mean, look how bad he looks.

Speaker 1 Look at his teeth fixed.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but that's the original one, I think. Well, how about the fourth one in? Go four in up.
Yeah. Is that him again? He looks all right there.
Not bad.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I guess he got older, looked better, but when he was going to be able to do that. And then go down two pictures down, straight down.

Speaker 1 Yeah. He looks fine there.
It's like it worked out for some reason. Yeah, sometimes it does that life.
Wow. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I got better looking as I got older.

Speaker 1 There was a kid in school where he made me blow him.

Speaker 1 He'll be right back.

Speaker 1 You ever made it? What did you, what do you mean? No, I don't know what you mean. And

Speaker 1 let's just put it, just say that. He made you kiss his pee-pee.

Speaker 1 Maybe, yeah. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 1 But then later in life, he didn't look so good. You think your pee-pee made him bad?

Speaker 1 maybe yeah maybe i have like that that effect i know kalila has been looking a little bit rougher lately

Speaker 1 after you have sex with someone they just become this like decrepit yeah

Speaker 1 maybe but maybe i but then i realized like later i've looked him up and he looks not as good why'd you look him up

Speaker 1 Did you want to back out? Oh, really? Maybe. He made you have sex with him? I didn't

Speaker 1 have sex with him. Let's just move on.
No, let's stick in.

Speaker 1 Let's move on, man.

Speaker 1 You could file a lawsuit. I've seen this commercial.
Have you seen the commercial that's been playing where they're like,

Speaker 1 it's so weird. It's like, we're fighting for justice.
I don't know what law firm it is, but it's like fighting for justice, respect, and something else.

Speaker 1 And it goes, were you sexually assaulted as a youth? And it goes by the following organizations. And it's like the Catholic Church, Boy Scouts of America.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 They name like the biggest perpetrators of this whole thing. These gigantic class action laws.
But they'll never really get them. They won't.
Can they move them around? They shift them around. Yeah.

Speaker 1 They just keep like little chess pieces. Yeah.
They keep moving them around. We have, by the way, side, get off of this topic.
I got a gift. We got a gift.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 We got a gift from the Bobby Lee's. The band the Bobby Lee's, our friends.
Oh, great. You remember these guys? Yeah, I loved them.

Speaker 1 So, by the way, not only do we have a gift from the Bobby Lee's, we have another band.

Speaker 1 You know how I reached out to, you know how we talked about the Lollapalooza in Chicago? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 We named a bunch of artists, and one of them that we named, we tried to give a boost to was, you remember his name? Very last guy. We named his song.
What was his name? I forgot his name.

Speaker 1 Take a guess. I don't remember.
Well, yeah, but that's

Speaker 1 Jack. No,

Speaker 1 what's his name? Jack what? Fancy? Jake Doobie. Jake Duby.
Jack Doobie. Jake Duby.
Jake Duby. So Jake Doobie

Speaker 1 has been killing it since we talked about him. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 And he wants to talk to us.

Speaker 1 He does. Presumably to say thank you.
I'm sure because he's gotten a bunch of streams. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So we're going to call Jake Doobie in a minute. All right.

Speaker 1 But this says Bobby and Andrew Bad Friends. Thank you so much for having us on your show.
We're playing L Cid in L.A. If you guys are around, let us know.
We'll put you on the list.

Speaker 1 Sam, Mackie, Nick, and Kendall. Awesome.
So look what they gave us. Awesome.
They gave us a sweater. Let me see.
Let me see. That's really cool.
That's a cool looking sweater.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 they gave us records here. Look at this.
The Bobby Lee's. We both got a record.
You don't get a record because you don't have a record player. Yeah.
And also, you don't deserve one, to be honest.

Speaker 1 This is Girth Circles. That's a magazine they gave us.
Awesome. Anyway, cool stuff in here.
Very cool stuff. Shirts.

Speaker 1 You want a shirt, Rudy? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Great.

Speaker 1 And there's a hoodie for me. And there's some other shirts.
Anyway, we'll look at all the shirts. But thank you to the Bobby Lee's.
Let's give a shout out one more time to the Bobby Bobby Lee.

Speaker 1 Please go see them. They'll be here in LA.
Go see the Bobby Lee's. We'd love to support them.
I've been watching. Can I just tell you what I've been watching, though? I watched.

Speaker 1 Oh, man, I have so much watching stuff to tell you. It's insane.
What did you ever see?

Speaker 1 No, you tell me first. Well, I've never seen forensic files.

Speaker 1 Never seen forensic files? No. Ever.
No, I used to watch this show called Autopsy on HBO, but I've seen all of them. I've never heard of that.
It was one of the original ones, way before

Speaker 1 forensic files. Okay.
Autopsy was great. What was the original original? 60 minutes.
I think autopsy was the original. 60 Minutes has to be the original of this kind of stuff.
Look up HBO Autopsy.

Speaker 1 Autopsy was great. But what, did you just saw, you just watched forensic files for the future? I just kept.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and autopsy is brutal because autopsy, this guy right here, this show, this dude right here, they show, they show shit like they show the bot the really bot yeah the real bot yeah

Speaker 1 i need it i need an hd you do you want to see i want to see all of it yeah yeah five dead men do tell dead men do tell

Speaker 1 and this guy looks creepy himself

Speaker 1 they always get a guy who looks creepy but doctor he's i think his name is not biden dr

Speaker 1 dr biden that's joe biden not just joe biden dr um baden oh what's his name anyway

Speaker 1 but you but they have one in um autopsy where they were in a like a fair there was a fair like a county fair like a county fair in like upstate New York or whatever

Speaker 1 and this happened in the 60s and there was like a ride where you would get on the ride right and it was a scary ride and there was like a mummy that went

Speaker 1 you know you know the mummy yeah you remember the movie in

Speaker 1 the the Madahorn oh yeah how unscary that is it was like

Speaker 1 it wasn't freaky at all yeah yeah yeah well it was

Speaker 1 always kind of broken it was like

Speaker 1 you flick that guy off. Yeah.
But there was one where that, so the mum was, and then it was actually a dead person in the mummy. What? Yeah, yeah.
They put a dead guy in there?

Speaker 1 Somehow there was a dead guy in there. Wow.
Yeah. So with that, you know, that's pretty scary.
That's what scared me. That's scary.
That would scary. You see his eye fall out or something?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but in forensic files, I was thinking to myself,

Speaker 1 with DNA testing and all that stuff. Yeah, the new technology.
Do you think that you and I could create a murder and get away with it?

Speaker 1 today yeah impossible i think we could you do yes how could we do it let's see if we let's try to kill okay let's say we kill jules no no no we not jewels that's she's a girl we have to kill a guy

Speaker 1 george george we kill did you hear what he said

Speaker 1 george george

Speaker 1 that's very boss boss the plane yeah george george georgia

Speaker 1 no so we kill fans obviously oh we call kill fans but how do we do it but here's the problem he's not he's got a wife he's not single so that's tough so there's something traceable there you'd have to kill a single guy okay

Speaker 1 Pete's not single either. Damn it.
We got to kill someone we know that's single because they got to be alone.

Speaker 1 See, that's her. Oh, you want to die? Well, we have to kill someone that's like kind of.
Yeah, we can't kill a girl, though. Why not? In the scenario we could, maybe.

Speaker 1 Yeah, in this scenario, we could kill Jules. Yeah, but I don't want to kill her.

Speaker 1 She cleansed her. She cleans my kitchen.
I kill her. She cleans my kitchen.
All right.

Speaker 1 That's right. That's

Speaker 1 all the. All right, let's back it up.
Let's just say we kill fans. Oh, let's kill fans.
Okay, so we're going to kill Fancy B.

Speaker 1 Because he doesn't have kids though no no kids well then it yeah yeah we'll kill him yeah yeah but his wife is cool so we got to get her on our team first no that's not how you do it do we kill her we don't even know we don't get in touch with her at all oh okay there's no we it's tra we can't trace her okay so how do you plan on killing him let's think um my instinct is

Speaker 1 something what do spaniards hate Yeah, like, what do they hate? Mexicans.

Speaker 1 So we take him down to Mexico.

Speaker 1 He's coming.

Speaker 1 Check it out. He's going down for your birthday party.
We're going to go to Mexico? No, no, no. We don't do that.
We don't. No, we don't do that.
No, just

Speaker 1 let me just. Please.
We do. Because that.

Speaker 1 This is what we do. We're doing a remote piece for Mad TV.
No, Mad TV for Bad Friends. Right on.

Speaker 1 Same show. I just woke up.
Sorry. Yeah, me too.
All right.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 we're doing a piece of

Speaker 1 sketch and

Speaker 1 stuff, right?

Speaker 1 So before we go there, though, we go down to Tijuana beforehand, right? Scope it out? No, we got to get somebody to kill them. Oh, there's so many people down there that would kill.
Right.

Speaker 1 So we could come down with cash, but we can't pull out. Is there any way you and I could pull out cash without anyone knowing that we'll pull out cash?

Speaker 1 Her money? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 All right. That's money.
That's money. There's money laying around.
Right, there's laying around.

Speaker 1 She's got some cash saved up. Yeah, yeah, okay.
And I have the guy in Mexico. I know who it is.
One of the little chiclets kids that sells their dogs.

Speaker 1 He's not going to do it. How do you know? How did he do it? Because we're going to give him 100.

Speaker 1 Cyanide and the chiclets? There it is.

Speaker 1 Measure, Mister. Chiclet Chiclet, right? And Fancy's like, oh, does my bretta smell? And we're like, yeah,

Speaker 1 it smells. Do you pack, do you pack the chiclets with cyanide? Every single piece of gum has cyanide.
But then we might kill other people. Oh, big deal.

Speaker 1 But what if he sells it to a, you know what I mean? To who, a fan? Soccer mom or something. Big deal.
She's got to go. All right.

Speaker 1 All right. All right.
All right.

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Promo code bad friends. All right, so look,

Speaker 1 we tell fans, hey man, we got to go down and shoot a sketch. Okay.
Are you coming down, fans? Of course. See, he's coming.
And I go, we don't need sound or a crew. It's just us three.

Speaker 1 We'll just do a gunk gorilla style. One, two, three.
One, two, three. And you have to be on the camera.
Yeah. And you're going to just go down with us.
Are you into that, fans? I'm so excited.

Speaker 1 He's so excited. He's so excited for that.
All right. So we take him down to Tijuana.
Right. And then it can't be like,

Speaker 1 it can't be in like... Tijuana's packed.
Slammed. It really is.
All the time. I know.
All the time. Too many people.
It's busy, right?

Speaker 1 So we have to go to like La Fonda Beach. Okay, we'll go to La Fonda Beach.
All right. It's kind of desolate.
A little desolate. It's got to be a beach.

Speaker 1 Let's do a sketch on the beach on La Fonda Beach, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. We have the kid there, right?

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I'm going to go.

Speaker 1 We don't have any money on us. Of course not.
We already gave the kid five grand. Yeah.
Five grand? Yeah. Really?

Speaker 1 it's too much money no no

Speaker 1 the murder they would do it for way three grand three two twenty five hundred i refuse it's principal give him a hundred bucks all right a hundred bucks

Speaker 1 a hundred dollars for murder a hundred bucks yeah yeah we got to give him more to help us get rid of the body so a hundred to start no we don't have to get rid of the body what are you going to do with it when we kill fancy

Speaker 1 we could do it this way okay we could chiclet chiclets yeah chiclet

Speaker 1 oh we want gum fancy right go get us some gum. Go get us some gum.
He pays for the gum.

Speaker 1 What if the kid charges $100?

Speaker 1 Fancy, $100? He's like, do you know that guy's murder you? Yeah.

Speaker 1 This is cyanide. It's expensive.

Speaker 1 So he gives him the, he pays the money. Yeah.
And then we, we, all day long before we even, you know what I mean, run to the chiclet guy,

Speaker 1 we say to fancy, dude, your breath stinks. It stinks.
Have you smelled your breath lately, fans?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Stinky mouth, bud.
So we'll go, chickle, chickle, your breath. He buys it.

Speaker 1 Please. Please eat it.
Eat it. It's gross.
He chews on it. He would die instantly.
Instantaneous. Instantaneous.
It gets right into his bloodstream. Maybe a couple minutes.
He falls over on the beach.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Face first in the sand.

Speaker 1 At that point, why can't we go murderer to the little kid?

Speaker 1 No, we can't do that. Why? Because he's a.
Murderer!

Speaker 1 He did it!

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 He's like, he doesn't speak English. He doesn't?

Speaker 1 They don't speak English. A little bit.
They know, like, they can get an interpreter. Chicklets, chicklets, chicken.
Yeah, he can go, you know, these guys gave me

Speaker 1 a $100. $100.
These guys gave somebody a hundred, and the cops are like, $100. So what would we do with the body?

Speaker 1 Now we have to kill the little kid. No, we've got to kill him.
No, no, no, we can't kill the kid. Why not?

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 we're not mass murderers on a killing spree. So we only kill one person.
We just want to kill one person. All right.

Speaker 1 So what we do is we hire two other guys. I see, this is getting too thick.
The problem is you have too many many people. Yeah, yeah.
The spider webs grow. Then they know people.
They tell people.

Speaker 1 I got it. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We spray paint an X on the beach. Pretty on the nose.
Right. Okay.
Right. For like a pirate? No.

Speaker 1 The X is where we need, this is where it's all got to go down.

Speaker 1 Just

Speaker 1 maybe not spray. Maybe somebody just draws an X, you know what I mean, with their hand.
Okay, that'll go away. But yes.
Yeah, yeah. No, we tell the chiclet guy, right? To draw a big X.

Speaker 1 Big X, so we know exactly when, you know what I mean, you're going to be all that, right? Okay, so what's the X for? But the X is near the X, we have already a pre-hole. We've dug a hole.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Near the X. Yeah.
Not right under the X. We have to give him another $100, though, to dig the hole.
Now, see, that's too much money already.

Speaker 1 What? I think $100 is all we can afford right now. We can afford it.
No, that's what we can start.

Speaker 1 That's in the budget. How about...

Speaker 2 I have an idea.

Speaker 1 What is it? Oh, here we go. I love this.

Speaker 1 Chop

Speaker 2 Fancy's body

Speaker 2 into pieces.

Speaker 1 During the day on a fucking body. You can do it at night.
You can do it at night. But there's no.
No, you can.

Speaker 1 Let her finish.

Speaker 1 There's an argument against that. So you can cut.
Let her finish. You can cut it up at night.
What are you going to use?

Speaker 2 Just any knife that the kid.

Speaker 1 This one. Good.
Perfect. Okay.
Well, then you're going to have to go. You're coming with us.
You're coming with us.

Speaker 2 I'll be the one to chop.

Speaker 1 Do you feel comfortable enough chopping up fancy? Yeah. Wow.
What would you cut first?

Speaker 1 Head? Head first. Head first.
Go in head first. Yeah, yeah.
You might as well. And then what else?

Speaker 2 And then after chopping into small pieces, just throw the pieces on this beach.

Speaker 1 In the scattering around like it's fucking graffiti.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because maybe there's sharks and they're going to eat it.

Speaker 1 On the beach. They're just sharks suntanning on the beach.

Speaker 1 Hey, Raul,

Speaker 1 where are you going? I'm going to sunbeat on the beach. And maybe there's going to be human meat.
Mexican charts. Raul.
Raul. Hey, Alejandro.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 The idea is insane. Why wouldn't you just throw it in the water?

Speaker 2 Yeah, in the water. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, you said that the beach said you're going to be. He said on the beach.
Oh, okay. All right, all right.

Speaker 1 In the water. Well, no, we don't bring her.
We don't bring her. She's too suspect.
She's way too suspect. She'll get us caught here.
Immediately.

Speaker 1 There's no. She's scattering it on the beach.
She just throws an arm on the beach. Yeah, yeah.
No, you have to create it. Small pieces.
How small. How small? That's

Speaker 1 little tiny, tiny pieces. Tiny pieces.
You know how long that would take? Tiny pieces. So

Speaker 1 hours and hours. Yeah.
24 hours. Someone would see you sawing through his bone.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And then we're yelling at you going, hurry up. And you're just on the fucking foot part.
Imagine me, me sitting there having a drink, you smoking a cigarette. We're yelling at her, hurry up.

Speaker 1 Hurry up. Yeah.
She's

Speaker 1 right through Fancy's arm. We can't do that.
We can't cut them into pieces. I got it.
Go ahead. I got it.
Go ahead. We got to meet someone down in Mexico who's got a boat.
There we go.

Speaker 1 We got to spend how much? Well, how much can you rent a boat for in Mexico? About 50 bucks, 60 bucks.

Speaker 1 Do boat rental.

Speaker 1 Dude, dude, dude, let me just say something.

Speaker 1 Baby, let me just say something, okay?

Speaker 1 Mexicans aren't dumb. It's not Mexicans.
It's just cheaper than Mexico. Yeah, but we're not going to go, hey, dude, how much is your boat? He's going to go, 50 bucks.
Can we put a dead body on it?

Speaker 1 He's going to be like,

Speaker 1 I need 10 grand. We're not going to tell him because guess what? What? When he gets out there with us.

Speaker 1 No, we're not killing anybody. I want to kill more than just

Speaker 1 wild. Why can't we just kill him?

Speaker 1 We don't want to kill innocent people. All right, look, we can rent a yacht or we can rent a sailboat for like $1,200 a day.
The whole day. In Mexico.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 that's a lot, but that's also, I can't do sailboat. Why? Do you know how to sail? Do you know how to sail? Dude, there's a guy that does it.
We can't have anybody with you.

Speaker 1 You just said I couldn't kill anybody. That's true.
That's true. So it's either we can take someone we can kill.
I can figure it out. You'll figure out how to sail.
I've seen enough movies.

Speaker 1 Can you imagine you're going to be able to do this? You've seen a sailing. I'm going to take a movie.
What? What side is the right side of the boat? What side's the left side? What are they called?

Speaker 1 Sternham. Sternham? Yeah, yeah.
Sternham is the left side? Yeah, yeah. And what's the right side? The anchor.
Anchor. That's right.
Yeah, Sternham and anchor. Well, then, you know what?

Speaker 1 I think we're going to work out this fine.

Speaker 1 I'm on the sternum half. And I'm on the anchor side.
Yeah, yeah. Without a doubt.
We pulled the guy up.

Speaker 1 Well, we don't. We call him the guy.

Speaker 1 He is no longer fancy. Oh, he's gone.
Because if I call him fancy, I might get emotional. Yeah, your heart is in it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I might be like, okay, so we kill the guy.
What do we do?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? So we kill the guy. Yeah, yeah.
And let me tell you something. He's a piece of shit.
He is a piece of shit. That's what we call him.
Right. We kill the piece of shit.

Speaker 1 So we have the piece of shit. Yeah, yeah.
And you know, what do we put his shoes in? His shoes. What do we put his shoes in? Concrete.
Cement.

Speaker 1 That's right. Quick dry.
Quick dry cement. I don't know how that works.

Speaker 1 His foot's already in the shoe. You put concrete in the shoe? No, dude.
You get two five-gallon buckets. You get two Home Depot five-gallon buckets.
You put quick-dry cement in there. Right.

Speaker 1 Literally put his feet in there. Put piece of shit's feet in there.
Within 10 minutes, it's solid as a rock. Right.
And then we throw him. So then I can't imagine.
I'll have nightmares. Just

Speaker 1 seeing in my dream. Him float to the bottom.
But he's just like floating forever, just waving his arms like this. But don't look.
I'll just toss him in and you look the other way. Have a cigarette.

Speaker 1 Look over the anchor side of the boat while I'm tossing him over the sternum side and just. Okay, so we throw him over.
I throw him over, and he's going down to the bottom. Right.

Speaker 1 This is at night, by the way. I've never sailed during the day or night.
I know. You should be sailing.
You should be probably sailing sailing during the day. We'll die.
Yeah, we'll die. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, so then maybe you sail. I'll sail.
At night. At night.
Yeah, yeah. There's not a lot of wind.
Yeah, I know. That close.
Yeah, yeah. We'd go deep in there.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we'll go two or three miles out. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So now he's at the bottom of the ocean. Now we're dead because we're going to be lost in the ocean.
I mean,

Speaker 1 so we come back. But isn't that? We come back.
We make it back.

Speaker 1 Make it back. And our getaway driver is there.
Yeah, Rudy's there. And she doesn't know anything about it.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hey, thanks for picking us up.

Speaker 1 And she's gonna go okay where's

Speaker 1 she's sleeping i know she's gonna go where's um fancy v

Speaker 2 say it and we'll where's fancy v

Speaker 1 wait a minute i thought he was with you he's not with you that's the best that's the best horror horror film line i thought he was with you

Speaker 1 i saw you and i saw fancy v and yeah he said okay bob and i said we were gonna go take some photos him and i and walk along the beach and fan said he was coming back to see you i never saw him coming back what do you mean you never saw him i don't think i believe you I was waiting for the three of you.

Speaker 1 Sounds like something's fishy with you, pal.

Speaker 1 See this? Ori, that's very good. What's going on? We sent Fancy up to see you, and he left us like 20-30 minutes ago.
Yeah, what have you been doing? Sleeping. Sleeping where?

Speaker 1 In the car. Really? Really?

Speaker 1 Huh. That's interesting.
That's interesting because look at that sign right there. It says no sleeping in cars by the beach.
Yeah. So what's going on? I didn't do anything.

Speaker 1 You didn't do what? Do what? I didn't do anything. You killed me.
You killed Fancy? No, we can't do that. We can't.
That's ridiculous. What are we accusing her of killing? We don't.

Speaker 1 She killed him. No!

Speaker 1 We have to help the police find out how

Speaker 1 she killed him. No, we.

Speaker 1 Yes, no. No, she's a murderer.
She's not a murderer. No, no, no.

Speaker 1 Bro, you're losing your mind already. You've got to calm yourself.
No, no, no. You're going hog wild.
I know.

Speaker 1 Dude, we've got to stay relaxed, dude. Because

Speaker 1 we're going to be in an interrogation room. Okay.
Right? So we just go, I guess we don't know where. So we would go straight to the police.
Right. We lost our friend.
Yeah, we got out of the car.

Speaker 1 We thought he was with us. You know what I mean? We have the camera.
What's on the camera? Nothing. We were going to shoot a sketch here in the dark with no lights.
Where did he go?

Speaker 1 Did he go to P or something? We don't know. We turned around.
He was gone. He was gone.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So then

Speaker 1 we go back to L.A.? Yeah, we go back to LA. Yeah, we go back to L.A., and then what happens? We get a new producer.
No, no, no, no. Dude, they're gonna look for people are gonna come to us.

Speaker 1 Well, then we have to be on the run. Now we're no, no, no, no, we don't need it.
You're acting great. You're not doing this.
You're not gonna be Yuma, Arizona. No, you're not doing this.

Speaker 1 You bought us a house already. You're not doing this with me.
I call my real estate agent. You're acting guilty already.
You gotta act cool, man. Okay, so we just stay where we are.

Speaker 1 We go, no, we have to first go. Then we come back to LA.
We go to the fucking police department. Why wouldn't we go to the police down there?

Speaker 1 We already went down to Tijuana and then we come back to LA and we go, because we're concerned, we don't know what to do.

Speaker 1 So we got to go. Listen,

Speaker 1 we went to Tijuana with our friend Fancy B. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And just hear me out. This is the cop.
Imagine they write down their like fancy B.

Speaker 1 And we're shooting a sketch. We have a podcast listening to that.
And we turned around, he was gone. We don't know what to do.
We went to the fucking Mexican police. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 What's so funny? It's just funny to hear me. We went to the fucking Mexican police.
And now we're going to the regular coach. And now we're going to the regular one.
The legitimate one.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And we don't know what to do. And they're like, okay, what's this? And so then we would probably have to call his wife.
Oh, no. Yeah, you do it.
I can't do it. All right.

Speaker 1 Hey, hello. Hello.
Oh, hey.

Speaker 1 Hey, it's Andrew. It's Andrew.
It's Andrew from Bad Friends. Oh, hi.
Hey, yeah. What's up?

Speaker 1 I don't know how to break this to you. What? But

Speaker 1 Fancy B was down in Mexico with us, and there was an accident.

Speaker 1 What? What do you mean, what kind of accident? Meanwhile, you hear me and behind you. We're going, just don't, just play it cool.

Speaker 1 Play it cool man

Speaker 1 yeah yeah there was an accident and he got lost and we don't know where he is is it an accident or is he just missing well i'm saying but he went missing by accident

Speaker 1 okay so what happened so you we went down to the beach yeah if i'm being honest with you i think rudy has something to do with his disappearance what the are you doing nothing

Speaker 1 i know what i'm doing shut the up so listen

Speaker 1 i don't know what's going on but bobby and i went down to the beach to shoot a scene and we came back up, and he was up by the van, supposedly, with Rudy, and he was gone.

Speaker 1 So he never made it to the van. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
That's me.

Speaker 1 Fuck, shut the fuck up. Shut up.
Shut up. So, yeah, that's what happened.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Who is this? This is Bobby. Oh, hey, Bobby.
Hi.

Speaker 1 Are you okay?

Speaker 1 Hi. Did you sleep well? Did you kill my husband? You would blow it immediately.
Oh, that's... I'm playing cool.
That's not playing it cool. Hi, did you sleep well? I don't know.

Speaker 1 I've never met him before. Yeah, Yeah, so you would never ask someone you never met, have you slept well? All right, dude, let me do it again.
No, you blew it.

Speaker 1 She knows. LAP is at her fucking door.

Speaker 1 We're going down.

Speaker 1 That was rehearsal. Right? Give me the phone.
Give me the phone.

Speaker 1 Yes, so

Speaker 1 what ended up happening? What happened?

Speaker 1 We got out of the car.

Speaker 1 Are you cringe clinching your teeth? That looks so upset right now. What's wrong? We'd turn around and.
Where is my husband? Jules killer.

Speaker 1 We would totally bail. We'd be like, Jules did it.
And I'd take the phone back. Jules did it 100%.
Call the police on Jules. Click.

Speaker 1 Then the best part is she gets deployed to the Philippines. We never hear from her again.
That's it. It's over.

Speaker 1 No, she would get tried here as a doctor. No, dude.
No, she would call the Philippines. She get tried here as a dope.
We can't fucking do that.

Speaker 1 We can't throw on the, we have to, okay, we, we stay with the plan. Google, what does a Filipino get for involuntary manslaughter? How much time? How much prison time is she going to face?

Speaker 1 You think it's a lot? In the Philippines? No, here. She's going to get tried here.

Speaker 1 A Philippines.

Speaker 1 It doesn't matter in our laws you are. Yes, it does.

Speaker 1 You're not paying attention to the law.

Speaker 1 Voluntary manslaughter, sentencing, and penalties. There we go.

Speaker 1 All right, so how long does she get? Sentencing, what does it say? Case by case, 10 years, bro. 10 years.
Can you do 10 years for us? That's nothing.

Speaker 1 You would?

Speaker 1 You would do 10 years for us? Probably seven and a half with Good Behave. Yeah.
We'd send her money into her. You know, they all get cards now.
Or I would, you know what I would?

Speaker 1 I would sneak into my. I've always wanted to do this.
Sneak in stuff in your butt? Yeah, sneak harem balloons.

Speaker 1 I would sneak in harem balloons in my butt.

Speaker 1 And I would have always wanted to see if I could get away with that. Could you imagine you'd hear like,

Speaker 1 right? And then what I would do is I've always imagined like get the harem would be gross. You have to puke it out? No, I would have it in my butt, then I would stick it in my mouth.
Why?

Speaker 1 And do a european kiss with you no yeah yeah yeah yeah that's how it works

Speaker 1 you want to shoot when you're in prison you're gonna want to shoot heroin it's well sell it because it's good for money no just use it it'll be i'll get you high-grade shit well it's gonna be in your butt then in your mouth i'll get it from the little boy from the chiclets

Speaker 1 he's my dealer right why don't you just poop it out and give it to her from there because you can't

Speaker 1 they see your hands they're you're not allowed to like kiss or touch any you're not allowed to touch you can do a european kiss i think you But how does she... How about I do a cough?

Speaker 1 And the bag gets a cake. And she goes,

Speaker 1 when she catches it. Right.

Speaker 1 And she doesn't. It hits her face.
And now she has to pick it up. Yeah.
You're right. She wouldn't be able to do it.
She wouldn't be able to do it. You'll serve 10 for us.

Speaker 1 Seven and a half with good behave. You'll do it.
Yeah, you'll do it. But do you think you'd fight the first person in prison?

Speaker 2 No, I'd be too scared.

Speaker 1 So what do you do? You know, first day in, you have to establish yourself. You either got to be with the white supremacists.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to be with the gangs.

Speaker 1 You got to choose your clan. Who's your clan? The Nazis? And here's the black guys? Go with the Nazis.
Go with the Nazis. But don't they

Speaker 2 don't like me?

Speaker 1 No one's going to like you. Yeah, no, but

Speaker 1 I mean, you could prove yourself to the Nazis. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
With your knives. Okay.
Your knife work. Look, look at these guys.
Do you think you could be like one of these?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 That's your group.

Speaker 1 No, that's not. Those are Nazis.

Speaker 1 That's our Nazis. What did you type in? Prison gangs? Type in prison.

Speaker 1 They're just called white supremacists. Prison gangs.
White supremacists. Asian prison gangs.
Ooh, this might be your click.

Speaker 1 Look at that third picture. It looks like just a bunch of breakdancers.
That just looks like that's your clan right there.

Speaker 1 Go with the Asians. Yeah, well, that guy in the far right looks white.
Oh, that's true.

Speaker 2 They look weak.

Speaker 1 You know what that is right there? What? Is MS-13. That is? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Respect MS-13. I think MS-13.
You've always wanted tattoos on your face. Would you be willing to get an MS-13 on your face? Yeah.
Really? You'd do it, huh? Yeah.

Speaker 1 But at the end of the day, what would end up happening is that

Speaker 1 she would be the boss. No, what would happen?

Speaker 1 The cops would be like, she didn't do it. You guys did it.
We're gone by then. We're in Yuma at the time.
No, no, no, no, we didn't get the house. Why can't we get the house?

Speaker 1 Because you don't think that they can find us there? In Yuma? Yeah. No, dude.
It's kind of on its own little paradise.

Speaker 1 Here's what we do: it's a three-bed, three-bedroom. Better, I like it.
I bought it already. We get, right? What's the Unobombergers name? Richard Klinkinski?

Speaker 1 Ted Kaczynski? Ted Kaczynski's. Yeah.
We get Ted Kaczynski's

Speaker 1 out in the Montana Mountains. Isn't he dead? Yeah, but we get his shed.
Oh, get his old shed? His shed. Oh, get his shed.
You and I can live in there. Okay.
Right? And.

Speaker 1 They're never going to find us out there, you think?

Speaker 1 In Ted Kaczynski's shed. Well, they might be able to hear us fucking.

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Speaker 1 That's the shed that he lived in. I can imagine the FBI, you know what I mean? Oh, they brought the shed back.
Is it in a museum? Yeah, I think it's in a museum, yeah. They brought it back.

Speaker 1 There it is. Wow.
Does that that look so creepy i know

Speaker 1 he lived there for like years it was over a decade wasn't it and he was building way longer building bombs the whole time yeah dude if you if you had to be a recluse like that yeah what part of the world would you move to to be alone if you're one of these people that has to be alone and like build chaotic machines and hate on the real world where do you live i wouldn't build a shed like that i would build um

Speaker 1 like a bunker no what i would do is in back in tore pines in in san diego right yeah there's a side of a cliff. I'm not kidding you.
This is not made up. No, I know, but it's so beautiful down there.

Speaker 1 It's like. Right, but somebody had chiseled a house along the side of a cliff.

Speaker 1 What do you mean? I'm not kidding you. Like chiseled a house out of a cliff? Yeah.
Wow. Yeah.
Maybe if Torrey Pines, I don't know. A house chiseled out of a cliff, there's no way you can find that.

Speaker 1 You could literally go there and you walk in and there's like a makeshift, somebody chiseled a bed. Wow.

Speaker 1 Right? So I would probably chisel something. So you'd be a chiseler.
I'm not good with woodwork.

Speaker 1 Right. Wood's expensive right now.
No, but I just don't know how to chop it. I don't know how to deal with it.
Well, then you think you're better at chiseling than I know how to do this.

Speaker 1 I know how to do this. It's much harder than that.
Why? Because you're going through stone, dude. Something to do.
Something to do out there. You're right.
No, you're right. All right.

Speaker 1 So you're moving to Torrey Pines and then a chisel place. No, no, no.
I would probably go to like, you know.

Speaker 1 A mountain range. South America somewhere.
Oh, okay. Find a mountain range.
Right. And chisel a little house on the side of a cliff.
That sounds kind of quaint and cute. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Where would you be, rude?

Speaker 1 If you're running away, you're going to be a recluse and you want to live in the middle of nowhere, perhaps cock some kind of evil plan. Where are you going?

Speaker 2 New Zealand or go back to the Philippines.

Speaker 1 Go back to the Philippines. The Philippines would probably be too safe for you.
Because that's New Zealand.

Speaker 1 That's

Speaker 1 much more risky. How many islands are there in the Philippines?

Speaker 2 7,000 something.

Speaker 1 What? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Because there's, I literally was like 50. No, no, no.
We were in a boat. Remember, we took the boat.
How many islands are in the Philippines?

Speaker 1 We took a boat in the Philippines and we would go to these little remote islands. And no one lives on them.
No one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 7,640 islands. Yeah.
No one lives. That's insane.
I never know. I thought it was like...
And the best is when you go to a small island like that. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And the water is so blue and no one's ever been on it, right? And it's just like, it's magical. It's your own little paradise.
Yeah. The islands sometimes are as big as this room.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, that's got to be, that can't last that long, right? What do you mean? Because of the

Speaker 1 changing of the ocean. Maybe.
Yeah. Maybe that was, it was at Hawaii at one point and then the sea line.
Yeah. Yeah.
7,000, though?

Speaker 1 Do you know any of them that are little secret islands that you're aware of? No. Is Epstein's Island there still?

Speaker 1 I don't know. Great parties.

Speaker 1 I mean, Rangers.

Speaker 1 Tell me what island you know. Is there a secret island that you used to go to when you were a kid?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I forgot the name.

Speaker 1 Isn't there one that's haunted with witches and stuff?

Speaker 2 No, that's just a place.

Speaker 1 That's just a regular place. Wait, wait, wait.
Tell me the story of that.

Speaker 2 It's near somewhere in Cebu, and they always say that

Speaker 2 there's witches there that live there, and kids should be scared because they take kids and they just eat kids.

Speaker 1 Oh, look at this. Escaro Pension House, a four-story building located in Escaro Street in Cebu City.
Believers claim it's haunted. Stories maintain that a monthly work that a monthly

Speaker 1 worker perished during its construction. Fort San Pedro historical.
Wow. So look up the Escaro Pension House.
I want to see it.

Speaker 1 That definitely looks like witches.

Speaker 1 No, that's not it. It's the first one.
That's not it. That's it.
That's it? God. That's so modern.

Speaker 1 But witches. That looks like a fucking Marriott.
Witches don't deserve to live in a more harsh house. No, no, they don't.
It looks like a Marriott courtyard. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, these little islands,

Speaker 1 I always think about maybe living in one-on-one.

Speaker 1 I want to take a makeup. I wonder how much you would go there?

Speaker 1 Badly. I want to go bad.
I've never been to the Philippines. I want to go.
Believe it or not, they have these really cool hotels and stuff, like high-end hotels.

Speaker 1 And they have great

Speaker 1 chefs.

Speaker 1 Well,

Speaker 1 you almost made me throw up.

Speaker 1 I haven't eaten all day and it burped up something. What was it?

Speaker 1 Something from yesterday? Like a bean or something.

Speaker 1 That's one bean. Imagine just one bean making its way up like I'm having these like.

Speaker 1 It's called heartburn. Yeah, but I'm having, I'm always kind of like burping up food.
It's acid reflux. That's what it is? Yeah, you should.
But I get chunks of food. That's what that is.

Speaker 1 I think it's, oh, so I went to the dentist today. Let me see.
No, you don't. You didn't clean.
Wait, let me see. Oh, it looks good.

Speaker 1 So, you know, I haven't been in tennis in a decade. Yeah.
And so my teeth is hurting.

Speaker 1 My teeth is hurting. All of them?

Speaker 1 Two of them. One down here, one up here.

Speaker 1 And so I've been taking ibuprofen. Advil every day.

Speaker 1 Yeah, it hurts so bad. And I just, because I go to New York next week, so I'm like, maybe I'll just go to.
And then Kalila's like, you got to go. And I know, I don't know a dentist.

Speaker 1 You don't have a dentist that you go to? I used to go to this place called Best Western Smile or whatever, but it's too far. It's a dental office in a Best Western hotel.

Speaker 1 I don't know what it's called. Like, rent a room, get a tape train.
No, but then, um, so I went to see her dentist, Kalilas.

Speaker 1 The dentist made me laugh because I didn't tell him, because, you know, I'm missing 19 teeth and I have coat, badge inivitis.

Speaker 1 And I didn't explain that to him.

Speaker 1 He found out fast. He opened my mouth and gets the first, gets the, no, the first two words out of his mouth was.

Speaker 1 I'll just tell you what it is. That poop? Question mark?

Speaker 1 No, no, no. He goes.
That poop? No. He goes,

Speaker 1 oh, boy.

Speaker 1 Did he really? Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Right? And I go,

Speaker 1 my teeth are hurting. And he goes, what teeth?

Speaker 1 Which is funny, right? Right. This guy's great.
Great. And then, but I need a root canal in this.
Ooh, I've had one. Yeah.
Oh, my God. I've had 15.
What? Yeah, I've had so many. 15 root canals.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Why?

Speaker 1 So many? Maybe seven. That's so many.
Maybe seven. I lie.
So you have to have one down here. So I have one out here, and then maybe one up here.
Why don't you just start taking care of your teeth?

Speaker 1 I brush. Do you floss?

Speaker 1 Ugh.

Speaker 1 The bean. There's a bean on it.
There's the bean? Yeah, yeah. When you say you brush, how many times a day do you brush?

Speaker 1 Night. One time? At night.
You never brush in the morning? No, because when I'm sleeping, I'm not eating. But when you wake up,

Speaker 1 your first thing when you wake up, you don't brush? At all. Holy shit.
Why? You should. Why? I didn't eat a sandwich while I was sleeping.

Speaker 1 No, but you don't just brush just because you weren't eating, bud. What happens? You brush your teeth because that's bacteria grows in your mouth.
Is that what it is?

Speaker 1 That's why you don't have that many teeth. Is that what it is? So look at it like this.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 If you don't take care of your neighborhood and clean up the streets and repave the street, repave once in a while and fix the sidewalks and fix the streetlights that are out, people are going to leave the neighborhood, aren't they?

Speaker 1 I never thought of it though. Your teeth people are leaving the neighborhood.
They're leaving the neighborhood. And the root canal? Yeah.
Are the other people coming in?

Speaker 1 Drug dealers, criminals, prostitutes. That's who's moving in.
Yeah. So you want to keep your neighborhood nice.
But I go, well, also,

Speaker 1 the next question I had was: do I have gum cancer? And? I don't. Thank you.
That's good. That's huge.
That's huge for me.

Speaker 1 But you know, you can get it pretty easily if you don't take care of your teeth at all. I know.
He goes, but you have really bad gingivitis. And he goes,

Speaker 1 and I think you should get implants. Because, you know, when I was in Hawaii last week.
What, like, like all of your teeth? No, just get bees done. Oh.
Because in Hawaii last week, I took,

Speaker 1 I just someone to mention there's this kid actor. His name is Martin Martinez.
Shout out to Martin Martinez. He's 23 years old.
Okay. And

Speaker 1 he was on Magnum PI. I shot Magnum P.I.
I took him to dinner because it was his birthday.

Speaker 1 23 birthday? His 23rd birthday. Is he a cutie pie? He's pretty cute.
I try to set him up. I've been selling him.
I figured. I've been selling.
She doesn't like him. What don't you like about him?

Speaker 2 His photos on Google.

Speaker 1 Bring up his picture. Marty Martinez.
Martin Martinez. Martin Martinez.
By the way, shame on his parents for doing that. What? what Martin Martinez

Speaker 1 pick a better first name when you're last name that's like me being Santi Santino he's a cutie patutie pie I know I mean he's got talent that's like you being Lee Lee I know he's got a he's like a got a Johnny Depp vibe look how thick his hair is beautiful he looks beautiful

Speaker 1 what you don't like this guy why

Speaker 1 his posing too much his pose he's posing too much really what do you want you fucking hey hey hey hey look at how chicks are man she doesn't like posers no but it's like they have so many conditions they do what i mean he's a a good actor.

Speaker 1 He's cute. He's a nice kid.
He's ageable. But he doesn't pose well.
Well, that fifth picture in the red shirt up there is really, this is what did he put that up for? I don't get that. It's fine.

Speaker 1 That's cool. That's a cool kid.
That's cool. What don't you like about that? The watch, the hands, the clothes.
Look at the clothes. Yeah.
What is he looking at over there? Maybe jewels.

Speaker 1 But anyway, we're eating dinner and he ordered a steak. Right? And I don't tell new people that I don't have any teeth.
And I have to chew steak with my front teeth. Yeah, Yeah, it's cute.

Speaker 1 It's like a little rabbit steak.

Speaker 1 So I'm sitting there.

Speaker 1 It's a little rabbit steak.

Speaker 1 And it takes me like five minutes. I'm not even kidding.
Five minutes just to get one chunk into enough, you know what I mean, pieces. What's so funny? Until I can swallow it, right?

Speaker 1 It's just that you need like liquid food. Yeah, yeah, so I'm doing this.
And he goes, hey, dude, what are you doing?

Speaker 1 And I'm just like, and I go,

Speaker 1 I need implants because this is insane. Bob.
That makes me feel sad. It's insane what I'm doing.
Well, should we start a GoFundMe for your teeth? No, I can afford it. You can? Yeah, I'm going to.

Speaker 1 Then let's knock it out and let's do it. Shout out to Marty Martinez.
Happy birthday, bud. Yeah.
By the way, I want to show you something.

Speaker 1 Jake is on the line. Oh, Jake is here? Let's get Jake on.
Let's get Jake on. All right, let's hear from Jake.
This is our good friend Jake Doobie.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I don't hear.
Hello. Jake?

Speaker 1 Hey. Bobby Lee here.

Speaker 1 What's going on? Hi, cutie. I mean, guy.

Speaker 1 I opened weird.

Speaker 1 When I said cute, I just looked at your photo and I just, in my head, I was like, oh, he's a cute guy, but

Speaker 1 I wasn't hitting on you already. He is hitting on you right now, Doobster.

Speaker 3 No, I get it. And I like Doobster, too.
I've gotten,

Speaker 3 I get, I get Doopster, Doob Squad, Pewby.

Speaker 1 Pewby is cool. I like Pewby.

Speaker 1 Jake Pewby.

Speaker 3 I get a lot of different things.

Speaker 1 How old are you, Duob?

Speaker 3 22.

Speaker 1 Right on. Right on.
Hey, we want to say congratulations on graduating from USC.

Speaker 1 Thank you. When did it happen? Did it already happen or is it happening?

Speaker 3 In May, I graduated.

Speaker 1 Oh, so it did happen. Congratulations.
Congratulations. Congratulations.
Andrew, let me ask you something. So, you know, we didn't know who you were when we.
I did. Bobby didn't know who you were.

Speaker 1 Well, I have his album, so go fuck yourself. Oh, you do? Yeah.
Okay. Okay, what's it called? Doobsey's on Planet Earth.
Dupes on Planet Earth is right. Right? Shit.

Speaker 1 That's a good album. That's a good album, but Jake.

Speaker 1 Anyway, so Jake, we didn't know.

Speaker 1 Jake, we didn't know who you were when we saw the La Lapalooza

Speaker 1 lineup. And we

Speaker 1 obviously could have been anyone on the last, you know, the last name on the thing. Right.
But you know what? I have to say,

Speaker 1 to be on a poster with all those talented people, that must have felt good, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah, honestly.

Speaker 3 Did you submit? No, and that's the funny thing. It's like people were like,

Speaker 3 people were like, how the fuck did you, like, how did you get it? Like, did you apply? Like, I was like, it's not a job. Like, you don't just apply.
Like, they just reached out. Like, I don't know.

Speaker 3 Like, people are like asking me how you get it. And I was like, to be honest, I don't know.
Like, they just reached out.

Speaker 1 So you have no idea how.

Speaker 1 I think I know how it happened. I think that somebody that works a lot of blues on the other side.
They were having a meeting, right? Somebody wants to learn

Speaker 1 the dupes. Right.
And it's like, all right, we got the lineup. We got the 300 people, right?

Speaker 1 And is that it? And then some hot chick in the meeting goes. Or guy.
Or guy? Yeah, or guy. Hey.
I love love dupster. I love dupster.
And they're like, who? And they're like,

Speaker 1 Jake Doopster. And they looked it up.
Yeah. And they all probably wetted themselves.
And they saw how cute he is. Yeah, yeah.
And they love the music. They love the music.
Love the music.

Speaker 1 The music's great. Yeah.
And then they go, just put him on the end. Put him on the end.
Yeah, yeah. Make him in the caboose.

Speaker 3 That's probably the most likely thing.

Speaker 1 Well, dupes. It makes sense.
Doopster, we're glad that, where are you from, bud? I can hear a southern accent a little bit or a draw.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I'm from Lexington, Kentucky.

Speaker 1 Right on.

Speaker 1 But genuinely, Doopster, we're happy that you called on the show, and we hope that you think we got a couple streams for you online. Do you think we helped?

Speaker 3 Yeah,

Speaker 3 I got a million DMs and comments letting me know that I was on the podcast and that

Speaker 3 and a bunch of people commented like Bad Friends sent me here.

Speaker 1 Hell yeah.

Speaker 3 And then I got, let's see, I'm trying to think of the exact number. I got.

Speaker 3 probably

Speaker 3 3,000 more monthly listeners in like 24 hours.

Speaker 1 That's great.

Speaker 1 And now that you're on here, you're going to get more. Let's grow the Doopsters fan base.

Speaker 1 And I hope some of the Bad Friends family starts listening to Jake Doobie and go check him out and support him. Doobsty is a part of our family now.
He is.

Speaker 1 And we're going to, let me tell you something, bud, all right?

Speaker 1 Just by talking to you on the phone right now. You seem like a good guy.
You seem like a good guy.

Speaker 1 And we're all, you know, in the beginning, you know, him and I were kind of joking around and this and that, but you know what? I think it's turned into a love affair. I love you, Doob.

Speaker 1 We love you, Duob.

Speaker 3 I love you guys.

Speaker 1 Well, hopefully, we'll talk to you in five years when you're selling out fucking Madison Square Guard. We better get backstage passes.
We better get backstage passes. We helped.

Speaker 3 You all got passes to any show automatically now.

Speaker 1 Okay. All right.
Thank you, Dupes, sir. Appreciate you, brother.
All right. Bye, dupes.
See you guys. Bye, dude.

Speaker 1 Nice, dude. What do you think? Bring up his photo so she can take a look.
Yeah, yeah. We can pimp him out now because we own him a little bit, right? We own him.
We manage him. We manage him.

Speaker 1 That's what I mean. We're his managers.

Speaker 1 Good-looking kid. What do you say? Do you like that pose? Is that pose okay for you?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Were you fucking it? Dude, you're such a brat.

Speaker 1 Look at him there. Look at the second picture in.
Look at how cute that one is. You don't like that pose? What's wrong with that?

Speaker 2 I want someone like Adam Driver.

Speaker 1 Oh, dawg.

Speaker 1 That's what he.

Speaker 1 Look, you like the drive stuff. You like the driver.
It's fine. It's fine.
So someone sent me this clip and they were like, you're going to love this. This is how they train

Speaker 1 the Cambodian police department. Yeah, like what they do is they train these guys, and they got to go through this rigorous training process, kind of like our military.

Speaker 1 But then at the end, they got to stand in line and stuff like that and just take it from the head guy. And I don't mean just like not full metal jacket yelling at you, yeah, physical, fucking them up.

Speaker 1 This dude fucks them up. Look at this, look at how great this is.
This is incredible.

Speaker 1 God, just

Speaker 1 punch.

Speaker 1 Oh. Oh.

Speaker 1 Look at that kid. Oh, my God.

Speaker 1 Oh, my God. He's kicking so hard.

Speaker 1 That one's my favorite. That's my favorite.
He's tripping. Oh, yeah.
Because he hadn't done that before. So the guy's like, he's going to kick me in the stomach.

Speaker 1 So he tightened his stomach and he tripped. It's funny.
Some of them are 14 and some of them are bald. It's like the gap of age is insane.

Speaker 1 They're laughing a little bit. They're smiling.

Speaker 1 Oh my god.

Speaker 1 See, he's smiling. He's smiling.
So it's kind of part of the thing you have to laugh it off. Yeah, yeah.
That's Cambodian Phil. By the way, Cambodian police, they don't mess around.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, there's more? You don't have to play. You want to play all of them? Look at this.
Does he kick them on their spread leg? Oh, he spreads their legs more.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. They want to see if they can get all the way down on the ground in the splits.
Can you do the splits?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but my question to you to you is push pause. My question to you is that what if this is all the training is? That's it.
So when they're actually on the field, right? They're just standing around

Speaker 1 waiting to get kicked. Yeah, waiting to get kicked.
The criminals are like, we're running away. And they're like, we have to wait.

Speaker 1 Well, if the criminals attack them, they're probably good at just standing there and taking the hits. And taking the hits.
That's actually true. That's good.
Maybe they just take the hits.

Speaker 1 Do they have guns? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Do they have guns or is it just or they just have to fight with their fists and their legs? I think they have guns. I don't know.

Speaker 1 In Cambodia? Do the Filipino police, are they mean?

Speaker 2 I heard that they used to do those things, but they stopped.

Speaker 1 Did you see there's one video I can't even, we can't even show here. Let's show it.
There's no way. We must.
So there's a cop, an ex-cop, right? He lives in a house in the Philippines.

Speaker 1 It's on video, online, right?

Speaker 1 And he has an argument, right? You saw that one, right?

Speaker 1 Is it bad? Yeah. It's pretty bad.
So he, some guy was making noise, or some neighbor he doesn't like, he comes over,

Speaker 1 this cop with a gun, and the grandma's like,

Speaker 1 we're sorry, we're sorry, you know, we won't make the noise or whatever, right, right? What was the noise? I don't know. He was probably playing the

Speaker 1 Pearl Jam or something. Got it, right? Vitology, probably, okay, right.

Speaker 1 And she's like, Don't worry,

Speaker 1 I'm better merged. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 He was taking a nap. He comes next door, and

Speaker 1 the grandma's like, no, no, no, no. And he just goes,

Speaker 1 whatever your language, I apologize, right? Sounds right.

Speaker 1 And he's like, no, no, no. And he just goes, pap, pap, pap, pap.
He just kills him. Yeah.
Sight unseen. On video.
On video. That's so awful.
You see everything, and it's so brutal.

Speaker 1 How about that, though, for real?

Speaker 1 The Afghanistan president just left.

Speaker 1 Dude, just left.

Speaker 1 Goodbye. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Some of those photos are so hard. If you were president of that country, would you leave too? Be honest.

Speaker 1 Well, I'm Korean, and Koreans, we just, the captain never leaves the ship. Right.
So you'd stay. I would stay.
You gotta, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 What would you do if your country was overthrown by the Taliban or the version of the Taliban in the Philippines? Do they have

Speaker 1 terrorist hate groups in the Philippines?

Speaker 2 I think so, but I don't really know the names of them.

Speaker 1 They're just not that popular yet? No. They're like the Jake Doobies of the Philippines.

Speaker 1 Please, please. What do you mean? He's a part of our family.
No, but I'm saying that he's not popular yet, but they're going to get there. They're going to get there, yeah.

Speaker 1 The Abu Sayyef primarily operates in the southern Philippines members traveling to Manila and other provinces. It was reported that Abu Sayyef.

Speaker 1 What is it? Abu Sayyaf. Yeah, so exactly how he said it.
It began expanding into neighboring Malaysia and Indonesia in the early 1990s.

Speaker 1 Abu Sayyef, one of the smallest but strongest of the Philippines Islamist separatist groups. Let me ask you a question.
Shout out to Abu Sayyef.

Speaker 1 When we went to the Philippines, remember we went to the Philippines and we went to the,

Speaker 1 you know, where the kids were, where they were poor? Yeah. Kids were running out of their huts naked.
And all the other things. And we had a bunch of food that we bought.
What's the poorest area?

Speaker 1 I know what that area is

Speaker 2 It's near where I lived before.

Speaker 1 Really? Yeah, yeah. So we went in there and it's this gigantic field of these huts and these terrible, right? Sad.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're like shacks. Yeah.
And kids are running out with no pants. Little kids, bigger dicks than me, all of them.
No pants?

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's going, you know, we want we had these spaghetti and a bunch of food for them.

Speaker 1 And like, what's so funny? Spaghetti.

Speaker 1 It's so cheap and cheap. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, and fruit drinks. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like grape rink, whatever.
Okay.

Speaker 1 And, um,

Speaker 1 but then there was like, I'm like, why don't just eat the, there's sheep there. Lamb.
No, those are their pets. Wasn't there a lamb there?

Speaker 2 Yeah, there was, but I don't know. They're pets.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they're pets, bud. But eat the lamb first.
It's a pet. You can't eat lamb chop.
How about this? I just go, eat the lamb first. I'll give you the spaghetti.

Speaker 1 You can make them kill and eat the lamb before they get a spaghetti? I mean, it just feels like it's ridiculous. There's a bunch of lamb laying around.

Speaker 1 This was right next to your neighborhood where you grew up?

Speaker 2 Yeah, a little near, like

Speaker 2 10 minutes away.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah, it's awesome.

Speaker 1 Did you ever go over there or no? You never went over there? No. No.
Oh, my God. Cause she's too classy, huh? No.

Speaker 1 You think you're better than those people?

Speaker 2 We have air conditioning. I just don't go there because I don't know anyone.

Speaker 1 Oh, they had air conditioning. Well, no, your house, though, there was a point, though, you guys did live in.
Like, what was the worst house you lived in? Near that. Yeah, so what was that?

Speaker 1 Was there... What was it made out of?

Speaker 2 Cement.

Speaker 1 Okay, but was there

Speaker 1 water?

Speaker 1 Was there running water? There was. Do you get hot water? No.
No hot water. Just cold water.
Yeah. You took cold showers when you were a kid?

Speaker 2 We have this kabo.

Speaker 2 There's no shower, so we just...

Speaker 1 It's like a

Speaker 1 bucket.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and we just shower with that. Wow.

Speaker 1 And you heat the water?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 1 You don't heat the water. You don't put it on the stove or the fire? Was there was the toilets work? No.
There's a poop in a hole, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, we...

Speaker 1 No, we use the bucket to flush. Your bucket? Whoever invented the bucket? Genius.
Genius. Who invented the bucket? I mean, it's like...
What a cool guy. Here's what you can do, right?

Speaker 1 You can put cement in it and drown people. You can kill fancy people.
Right, right. You can fucking poop.
You poop in it. Right.
You can wash the poop down. Wash the poop out.
You could wash yourself.

Speaker 1 You can play the drums on the street. The buckets.

Speaker 1 Flip it around.

Speaker 1 Amazing. You can poop in it later.
Right, right. If you wanted to.
And if you're a bad kid, you could stick it on your head. Right.
In the corner.

Speaker 1 Get over there. bucket head.
With the fucking bucket. The bucket.
Whoever invented the bucket. Well, I'll tell you who invented it.
Stellanas Sorel in 1837. Sturdy and rust-proof galvanized bucket.

Speaker 1 That was before that. 1837? Yeah.
No, they weren't using buckets. This was a bucket.

Speaker 1 Your hands were a bucket.

Speaker 1 This was a bucket. Because

Speaker 1 in Game of Thrones, where they put the bucket on the... Is that a bucket where they stick the rats in?

Speaker 1 It's more like a...

Speaker 1 Not really a bucket. I don't know.
What is that? What'd you call that? A carry-all.

Speaker 1 i don't know what that is yeah yeah is that it is that is that stellanis sorel the guy that invented the bucket look at this guy that's the guy he should georgia georgia sorel yeah the best inventor in the world where was he from yeah i want to know more click on the wikipedia page of him and see where this guy was from this by the bucket god but it's it's not even that it's like it's basically like this how do you pitch a bucket so you know it's like a cup

Speaker 1 but bigger but we already have big cups bigger than that one like a big big cup Yeah, like a big, big cup. For what? You don't need to be a bitch.
Venti. Venti.
Oh. Oh, you've been to Starbucks.

Speaker 1 I get it. A Venti cup.

Speaker 1 I guess that makes perfect sense. Yeah.
There's the first bucket right there. There's one of them.
That's it.

Speaker 1 Whoever invented that? Well, we saw George Salam.

Speaker 1 What a great guy. You know, the simple stuff like that? Who invents simple shit? I know.
Isn't that kind of about that? The simplest stuff. Yeah.
Who invented?

Speaker 1 Well, I mean. What?

Speaker 1 What? What were you going to say? Like, who invented the wheel? A caveman? Marcus?

Speaker 1 Kidding? Marcus invented the wheel? Marcus, he didn't have a last name. Who invented the wheel? Trump, apparently.
There was a picture of Donald Trump. I invented the wheel.

Speaker 1 The wheel was invented in 4th century B.C. in Lower Mesopotamia.
It's Iraq. So 4th century B.C., they invented a wheel.
But it took them thousands of years. To get out of here.
To get a bucket. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Probably a little lazy.

Speaker 1 I think once you get the wheel, you're like, we're done. Oh, that's fucking funny.
We got the fucking wheel. The wheel is dope.

Speaker 1 Because people are like, well, what are you going to carry stuff in you're like right here yeah you just carry stuff in your hands

Speaker 1 or you would just drink you know what they used to do before buckets for water yeah you'd have the fattest guy drink as much as he could and then he'd have to puke it back up yeah to the members of the like a bird like a mama bird

Speaker 1 and just puke back up the

Speaker 1 who invented you know that they have cock fights yeah and there's like little knives Oh, little knives on the cocks? On the cocks? Yeah, little knives with little cock knives.

Speaker 1 Who invented cock knives? Cock knives? It does sound like a German would make it. And on Sehan would have little tiny knives on the fingers.

Speaker 1 Because it sounds diabolical that a German would make that up. And little tiny gas masks.

Speaker 1 Right? Gas masks and knives. He will come in on a mercitis and have little tiny knives on his fingers.
That's amazing. The cock knives.
Who invented cock knives? That's a genius thought.

Speaker 1 That's a genius thought. It really is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Because

Speaker 1 the guy that invented it, right, there was always the first cock. And somebody probably went, that's not fair.
Because his cock was beating the shit out of it. He was killing everyone.

Speaker 1 He was like the determinator of all fucking cocks. He had the best cock.

Speaker 1 Just like slicing things up, you know. Limbs going all over the place.
And all these cocks were like, ah! They were trying to tell their owners, this guy's cheating.

Speaker 1 This cock is cheating. He's cheating.
This cheating cocks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What if we had suicide cock bombers? Oh, yeah. A little vest.

Speaker 1 And the cock gets in there, and he opens up and it's like, ah!

Speaker 1 Yeah, but it would be like truth. I mean, it would be.
It's a draw.

Speaker 1 It's a draw, but still,

Speaker 1 you can bet on a draw. You can bet on a draw.
Tie winner place. Yeah, dude.
You can bet on a draw. You can bet on a draw.
You know what I want to know? What? Who invented jockeys?

Speaker 1 The little guys that get on horses.

Speaker 1 God made them. No, dude, they're made in a lab.
No, no, no. Have you seen how small those people are? No, dude.
Because they're not quite LPs. They're not little people, but they're not.

Speaker 1 But my brother Steve.

Speaker 1 Not jockey enough. Wait, he's.
Average height and weight of a jockey.

Speaker 1 Dude, average height and weight of a jockey. Wait till you see this.
Steve is bigger than these. I'm telling you.
They're so small, but they're not LPs.

Speaker 1 They're not like our buddy Brad Williams. Yeah.
Average, 4'10 to 5'6. No one's over 5 feet tall.
It says 5'6 there. So my brother's Steve.
It says two men. That's the maximum.
108 pounds.

Speaker 1 Yeah, but I'm listening. Listen to me.
I'm calling your brother right now. No, no, no.
Stop.

Speaker 1 I'm 5'3.

Speaker 1 As we proved. 5'2 ⁇ .

Speaker 1 I'm not 5'2, bro.

Speaker 1 How tall? 5'2 ⁇ . 5'2 ⁇ .
She saw. She was there.
I'm I'm not fucking 5'2. I'm not 5'2.
Dude, you say... I'm not fucking.
Just because you yell it loud enough doesn't mean it's not true.

Speaker 1 I'm not 5'2.

Speaker 1 5'3! Because I said I was 5'4 before, and now I'm 5'3. No, we, dude, she was proof.
It was 5'2. No, it's fucking proof.
Okay, still, you're weigh more than 110 pounds. That's my point.
It's just that.

Speaker 1 You couldn't be a jockey. I know, but if I lost the weight, I could.

Speaker 1 Look at this bullshit says 5'5 on the fucking internet. That's 5'5? The internet does a lie! Bullshit.
Yeah, yeah. 5'5.
That's bullshit. Yeah, there we go.
Type in how much is Bobby Lee worth.

Speaker 1 This is how off the internet is.

Speaker 1 It'll say a million dollars. One million? Yeah.
Stevie.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Hey, babe, you're on the podcast.
Oh, what's up? Say hi to your brother. Hey, Steve.
What's up, Bob? Steve, we were talking about if we could be a jockey, like a horse jockey. How tall are you?

Speaker 1 I'm five

Speaker 1 four, five, five.

Speaker 1 No, Steve, Steve. See, maybe they got that mixed up.
Steve, Steve, Steve, five. They said Steve Lee is five five.
Steve, Steve, Steve. Bobby Lee is five, too.
Steve.

Speaker 1 How tall is your brother, you think, for real, Steve?

Speaker 1 5'4?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 Wait, you're taller than me, Steve?

Speaker 1 No, you know what? We're probably shorter. Yeah, maybe you're right.

Speaker 1 Yeah, maybe you're right. I'm 5'3.
So we can trust none of this information.

Speaker 1 I think I might be 5'4. You're 5'2 ⁇ .
You're 5'2 ⁇ . No, no, there's no way I'm 5'2.
There's no way. I'm 5'2 ⁇ .
If I'm 5'2, you're 5'2. If he's 5'2, you're 5'2.

Speaker 1 No, but I think Bob shrunk over time.

Speaker 1 I told you you shrunk. I didn't shrink over time.
Yes, Yes, you did. When I met you,

Speaker 1 when I met you, you were 5'4. When I met you, you were almost 5'5.
See? Thank you, Steve.

Speaker 1 Yeah, no problem. Love you guys.
Love you. Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, Steve.

Speaker 1 How much do you weigh? 135. See, couldn't be a jockey.
So that's what I'm saying. He's smaller than your brother.
Okay, okay. Has to be 20 pounds less.
Yeah, all right. By Steve, by Steve.

Speaker 1 No, Steve, could you lose 20 pounds? Do you think by the fall we want to enter you in a race?

Speaker 1 I mean, I would have to run every day, change. It has to be a whole life to style.
Are you committed? I don't know. Well, can we talk about it?

Speaker 1 Because I don't want to be put on the spot to become a jockey.

Speaker 1 All right.

Speaker 1 All right, buddy. Bye-bye.
Bye, dude. Love you guys.
Love you. Bye.

Speaker 1 That dude's the best. My brother? Your brother is the best.
He's great. So we can't make him a jockey.
What I was wondering is that did they, did

Speaker 1 little people. Careful.
Little people. You don't want the little people committed coming after us.

Speaker 1 LPC will fuck us up. A guy like Brad Williams, who's a little person.
Who's a good friend of ours? Who's a good friend of ours? Yeah. Could Brad Williams, did they try at first?

Speaker 1 Let's just try a little person. They put a little guy in there.
Yeah. And then they started resting, and the guy just flew away.

Speaker 1 Is that what happened? That's how Brad ended up in California. Yeah, yeah.
He's from Kentucky. Yeah, maybe.
And that threw him so hard ended up here. I wonder all the things that they tried.
Like

Speaker 1 who could be on the horse? Yeah. Let's try a baby.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He's light. You think a baby? But he can't control it.
Well, you just strap him on. Right.
So he's just on the side of the. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. Like a saddlebag.
Yeah. He's like a saddlebag.

Speaker 1 You put him in the saddlebag. You put him in there.
His little face is sticking out. Well, what are the rules?

Speaker 1 Do you have to control the horse or could you just smack the horse's button and let it go? Maybe if the horse is smart enough. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You meet, it meets the baby and you go, saddlebag baby, you go. Yeah.
Why do we even need to put the baby if the horse can do it on his own? Someone's got to be on the horse to make it official.

Speaker 1 That's true. It's got to have some kind of body on it.
Right, right.

Speaker 1 I wouldn't, yeah. Have you been to a horse race before? Fuck no.
You've never. The Delmar Fair, the fairgrounds are right next to your house.
There's no way. There's no way.

Speaker 1 You grew up down?

Speaker 1 I knew where it was. I was just like, I would drive by.
I'd go, yeah, I'll never go there. Why? Too white?

Speaker 1 I saw a movie called Let It Ride.

Speaker 1 What? There was a movie called Let It Ride with Richard Dreyfus. I've never seen that.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I was going to say, it sounded like a casino movie. Yeah, but it's with horses, right? Is it with horses? Yeah, it is.
There's horses in the background.

Speaker 1 Yeah, there's horses in the background, right?

Speaker 1 So, Let It Ride, here's how I know I saw the movie.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 Because I used to. Because you saw the movie.
No, no, no, that's not why. Because this is an interesting thing.
Okay. Is that I used to do a commercial, commercials with Joe Pitka.
I know him.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the violent guy. Yeah.
Right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So there was a legend where Joe Pitka was he directed Let It Ride. Right on.
And a Fox executive gave him a note in a scene. You know how, like, sometimes, you know, Cott and Fox

Speaker 1 guy just had a note. He's like, why don't we?

Speaker 1 And Joe Pitka

Speaker 1 head-butted him in the face and broke his nose. Cool.
Right? And then he was banned from making movies again.

Speaker 1 I like how that's such an innocuous movie. You're banned.
But

Speaker 1 he made Space Jam. Space Jam won.
One. Joe Pitka did.
Because Michael Jordan refused to do it without him. How did he know Michael Jordan?

Speaker 1 Because Joe Pitka is the Steven Spielberg of commercial directing. And Jordan did a Gatorade with him.
No, Jordan did all his commercials through Joe Pitka.

Speaker 1 I mean, but I want to know what was the first Joe Pitka commercial he did with Jordan. I don't know.
Because that would have been the thing.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 when I found that out, because I used to work for Joe Pitka. What did you do for Joe Pitch? I've done like

Speaker 1 10 commercials as an actor. And I heard that story on set.
And so I.

Speaker 1 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Joe Pitka.

Speaker 1 Oh, I've seen. Yeah, I know him.
Go down to director. Go down to director.
Oh, there it is. Go to the very first thing he directed.
Keep going all the way down. All the way down.

Speaker 1 Okay, up, up, up, up, up, up. So he Pepsi.
So he did a Pepsi, and then he did

Speaker 1 Hershey Syrup, Messi Marvin.

Speaker 1 What was the thing you think he did? Oh, look, he did with Michael James. Listen, let it ride.
No, no, no, but I'm just saying before that, he did something with Jordan. So, look, he did a bunch.

Speaker 1 Oh, he did Dirty Diana? Yeah. Dirty Diana.
He also did Bono's campaign. Oh, I love Bo Nose.
He also did when Michael Jackson's hair got caught on fire at the Pepsi. There you go.

Speaker 1 He did Hair Jordan, Nike, the Hair Jordan with Bugs Bunny. Yeah.
Which, oh, that's genius. That's eventually led to Space Jam.
How many years later? Look at that.

Speaker 1 Nike Hair Jordan, when the Hair Jordan shoes came out, was 92. Do you know what the Hair Jordans are? No.
Look up Jordan. Look at Michael Jordan Hair Jordan shoes.

Speaker 1 I had these shoes when I was a kid.

Speaker 1 These were like some of the coolest. It's so funny how he was so fucking good at putting his name on great designers, but the Hair Jordans were the shit.
Shoes, shoes. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, that's them right there. Okay.
The Sevens. Look at how fucking cool those are.
You don't even like basketball shoes? Those are fucking cool. Those are dope.
But when those shoes came out.

Speaker 1 Are they expensive?

Speaker 1 When we were kids, they were.

Speaker 1 If you wanted to buy an original Hair Jordan. The Hair Jordan Sevens right now.
Right now, brand new. I can tell you, or the Sixes, I mean.

Speaker 1 I can tell you how much they are. I can look up right now.

Speaker 1 How much do you think they'd be worth? Rudy, how much do you think those are for?

Speaker 1 $300? No, I would say about $10,000.

Speaker 1 $10,000 for Hair Jordans. Not anymore.
No, no, no, no. Well, because they've remade so many of them.
No, the original.

Speaker 1 What is the original? 1994? Yeah, Hair Jordans. 19.
Okay, 92, I mean. 92 Hair Jordans.
Authentic Hair Jordans.

Speaker 1 They won't take any bid under $5,000.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I mean.

Speaker 1 So they bid it and probably 10 grand. Wow.

Speaker 1 The original OG92s

Speaker 1 of the sevens right now in my size, five grand. Yeah.
Wow.

Speaker 1 300.

Speaker 1 You don't know anything about shoes. They're the originals.
He's saying you can buy them now for like 250 bucks. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But he's talking about the ones from then, if you could buy them today.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 I would never. What? I mean, I know you buy expensive shoes, but I would never.
Glossom calls me other daddy goes, so you want to go in on it? In on what? A magic card?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, you've seen these, right? They are. And I go.

Speaker 1 And I go, how much is it? He goes, well, if you and I pull together 100 grand, we can get it.

Speaker 1 I go, for a card?

Speaker 1 Is that really what they're worth? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Wait, really? Magic cards. How much are they worth? Like the prime ones? $100,000.

Speaker 1 For a fucking card. What's the most expensive magic card?

Speaker 1 Oh, I'm going to lose my mind. Did you ever play Magic? No.
Did you play Magic? Do you even know what it is?

Speaker 1 Yeah, these.

Speaker 1 Yeah, those are the ones. The 10 most expensive magic cards.

Speaker 1 Yeah, these are the ones. Time Vault.

Speaker 1 What I don't understand is these are just. How much is it? You use these cards in a game.
Yeah,

Speaker 1 how much is that card? Ah, dude, what are you talking about? $3,000. $3,000 to $3,000.
Oh, go down to number one. That's why it's going back to the bottom.

Speaker 1 All right. Let's see what it is for number one.

Speaker 1 250 grand. Holy fucking shit.
Yeah. What is that one called? The Black Lotus, of course.
$250,000. What does it add? Hold on.

Speaker 1 Go up. It adds three mana, three mana of any single color of your choice to your mana pool.
Then it's discarded. Tapping this artifact can be played as an interrupt.
It's a piece of cardboard.

Speaker 1 This is just

Speaker 1 like nerd porn. This is porn.
I know, but that thing right here. They read that and they're like, it's three mana.
If you get a high piece of any single color of your choice and a mana pool. I know.

Speaker 1 I know. But if you get a high grade,

Speaker 1 it's 250 grand.

Speaker 1 I just think there's no way that's worth that. The market.
It is. It is.

Speaker 1 How long can that last? I saw an antique road show. Because let me tell you something.
Baseball cards when we were kids. Like, they're going to be so much one day.
They went down in value.

Speaker 1 It is way high. I saw an antique road show.
Right. And this guy had this wife.
Yeah. She just went to the team.
She's like,

Speaker 1 my fucking stupid husband, fucking nerd.

Speaker 1 Over the years, he's been buying these magic. You know what I mean? It's like, I want to throw them away, but

Speaker 1 what are they worth? And the dude,

Speaker 1 what do they call him? Nerds. No, but the guy that's the...
Oh, dorks. No, the guy that assesses

Speaker 1 wieners.

Speaker 1 That guy, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 She opens it up, and you can just see come

Speaker 1 forming on his thing. Forming on his thing.
Yeah. And

Speaker 1 he started doing, you know what I mean, a shake. He's like, do you, do you, do you happen to have the original sleeves?

Speaker 1 And that card was in the thing. The Black Lotus.
The Black Lotus and all of the ones that are expensive. And where's the one road? Is he dead? No, he was just at work, probably.
She stole him.

Speaker 1 She stole it. It's like, uh-uh, she's throwing in the trash or bring it to the antique road show.
And then she left him. She took the money away from her.
She might have here. She might have.

Speaker 1 Fuck that. But I can't believe how much they are.
How about this? If any of our fans are into magic cards and you have a valued card, we'd love to talk to you. Yeah.
Look at that thing.

Speaker 1 We'd love to talk to somebody that has.

Speaker 1 Look at how they curate it. How they handle it with gloves.
Like, it's fucking forensics. It is.
Yeah. That's forensic files.

Speaker 1 Imagine this, though. If he bends it a little bit, there goes 50 grand.
50 grand.

Speaker 1 That's when you take him down to Mexico and you put them on a boat. If I was a lab guy, I would just go behind him and just rip it apart in front of him.

Speaker 1 Just be a fucking dick.

Speaker 1 And run? Yeah, and run. If you guys are into Magic the Gathering,

Speaker 1 anybody has

Speaker 1 anybody has a really cool one that we can talk about, we'd love to hear about it. And so if I had a time machine or I could go back in time,

Speaker 1 I would just tell myself, because in the early 90s, I can think this came out.

Speaker 1 I would just be like, just buy,

Speaker 1 because a box was back then full of these cards was probably like 60 bucks, right? Yeah, maybe. I would just buy, just go to every store and buy every single box and just put it in a fucking closet.

Speaker 1 That's what you do with a time machine?

Speaker 1 You go right back just for magic cards.

Speaker 1 I would tell myself to buy certain things, like certain stocks and stuff. Stocks.
I would do stocks. Yeah, I would do magic cards as well.
What stock would you buy?

Speaker 1 Would you go back and tell yourself to buy? Probably Apple. Apple.

Speaker 1 No? 100%. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Way back in the day, though. I'd do Facebook, but then I'd also tell myself, you got to sell it at some point, too, because Zuck is going to lose his mind.
Right. Zuck Zuck is going to lose it.

Speaker 1 YouTube, probably.

Speaker 1 Google. Google, YouTube, all that stuff.
Google is YouTube now. Yeah, with all, and I would just put 100 grand, 200 grand.
Every dime I ever had.

Speaker 1 And I would borrow it from friends and be like, let me tell you something. If it doesn't pay off, you can physically kill me.
But how would you do that? Because you're from the future. So

Speaker 1 how old was I when apple stock was like at its prime probably

Speaker 1 40 or 50 or something 45.

Speaker 1 fuck you in my 20s right in your 20s right yeah so i go back in time i would have to have cash to give me because i had no money back then right so how would you do it like you got to buy the stock and i'd be like this is five bucks a money it's actually a great idea for a movie you go back in time to tell yourself Kind of like how Back to the Future, he goes back and tries to give him the sports almanac.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. But like this, you go back in time and you tell your loser self, you're like, hey, man, you got to go get money to be able to buy these.

Speaker 1 So the whole movie is about, how do I get the money to be able to invest in things so I can make money? That's a really good idea. So you have to teach your dumb self how to like rob banks.

Speaker 1 Right, right. That's so funny.
That's so funny. If you as an adult had to go back and teach your young self how to get money enough to invest in stocks,

Speaker 1 write it up.

Speaker 1 Would that be? You know the knowledge. You know if you could invest, you could be a millionaire.
But you have to convince him. Oh, God.

Speaker 1 That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool.
Write it up, Rudy. Are you tired? No.
Yeah, she is. Go ahead and thank everybody, and let's get out of here, Rude.

Speaker 2 Yeah, thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 1 Great.