Fancy Is Back!

Business taxes. We're stressing about all the time and all the money you spent on your taxes.

This is my bill?

Now Business Taxes is a TurboTax small business expert who does your taxes for you

and offers year-round advice at no additional cost so you can keep more money in your business.

Now this is taxes. Intuit TurboTax.

Get an expert now on TurboTax.com slash business.. Intuit TurboTax.
Get an expert now

on TurboTax.com

slash business.

Only available

with TurboTax Live

full service.

So hey guys,

we have some new merch.

New merch.

This merch is very special.

Yeah, it's special to us.

And it's going to help

somebody that we love.

So much.

And she's going to,

she created a little,

written a little monologue.

A little monologue for it.

To pitch it.

Go ahead.

So go ahead.

Please. No.
No, no, no. What the fuck? Please buy the merch so I can pay for college and I can go to parties.
Look sad. Look sad.
Say, please buy. If you don't buy, I don't have party and fun.
If if you don't buy then i can't go to parties and i can't learn anything okay show the shorts show the shirt and show the shorts rudy yeah go to go to badfriendsmerch.com and buy that stuff for rudy jewels so she can um go to parties and have fun also uh i'm on tour andrewsantino.com i everywhere. Everywhere.
AndrewSantino.com. Come see me, baby.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. I was in a good mood coming here.
No, I'm being real. I was in a really good mood coming here where I was singing songs.
Be free together every day. Be free together.
Right? And I was singing these songs I was making up. Yeah.
And I come in here, and as soon as you opened your mouth, it was like... I like how higher up you are in the chair now.
Yeah, you did this. No, I didn't do it.
I didn't do it. Pete did it because he said Bobby's getting longer.
He's getting wider this way and shorter this way. I think the more your belly grow, the lower you go to the earth, baby.
Let's do some of these comedy. Pete.
Pete. What the fuck, man? Come on, dude.
The thing fell off the wall again. Oh, shit.
Sorry. Sorry, sorry.
Dude, I asked him to screw...

Oh, my God. Where's the remote?

I thought the screws

would work that we had. I'm sorry.
No, they did. I said

give me one-eighth of an inch, and then what did you get me?

I got the quarter inch. Yeah, you got a quarter inch,

dude. It's not even that hard to do, Pete.

No offense, but now

we have to be at Home Depot

in the middle of our shoot. I'll be better.

Is that fancy? No way. No way.
Fancy! Fancy! Get over here. What are you doing? Oh.
Hey, guys. What are you doing here, Fancy? Well, you guys fired me from the show and I fell on hard times, but I'm working.
Do you guys need any help? No, we don't need any help. Yes, we need help at the show.
Get in the car. Get back to the show.
Get in the car. I don't...
Get in the car. Say goodbye to your friends and get in.
I will do it if you want, my friend. Okay, we can get him instead.
You want me to get him? Okay. Get in.
Get in. Say goodbye.
Hasta luego. Hasta luego.
Fancy. Welcome back, Fancy B.
Fancy B. But I have no inclination.
Are you excited that Fancy is back? Fancy. Fancy.
I'll be honest with you. Fancy.
I'll be honest with you. What? I didn't even know he was gone.
You didn't even miss him a little bit. I'm going to tell you the truth right now.
I didn't even know he'd gone. Fancy, I missed you so very much.
Rudy, did you miss the Fance? Yeah, I missed you, Andres. Thank you, guys.
Yeah, honestly, you know, I didn't know you were gone, so I didn't miss you. But by seeing you now, it's good to see you again.
Well, you definitely missed Fance. Well, when's the last time I saw him? Because all we had, when we had Pete and Bryce, which is like.
But I understand that. But it's when I was, did Fance leave after I got back from Hungary? Yeah.
So I got back from Hungary. Then he left.
He was gone, I think. I think.
And then for a couple of weeks you were gone. And where'd you go? Where'd you go, bud? I went to Spain to see my family.
Oh, because you hadn't seen them in a long time. In two years, yeah.
And what does Papa Andreas look like now? He looks good. He looks good.
How come you... How come you don't look good, Fancy?

You're so... No, it's skip the generation.

Oh, it does.

Is that what it is?

It's skip the generation, yeah.

It's always like really handsome, right?

And then just ugly, ugly.

No.

And then it goes back to handsome.

He's a cutie patootie.

I missed him so very much.

And also, I want to make it aware,

Rudy's wearing her Rudy University shirt. Rudy, show the shirt for the fans.
There it is. These Rudy University shirts are available now, and Rudy is going to get this money for college.
And what do we say? The money from the shirts is going for college. No Coca-Cola.
No Coca-Cola. In the nose.
In the Coca-Cola in the nose. None of the funky stuff.
If we find out that they're using the money for something else, you're done for, pal. We'll sue you.
I won't. Also, you can't take the nose.
In the Coca-Cola in the nose. None of the funky stuff.
Don't smoke it. If we find out that they're using the money for something else, you're done for, pal.

We'll sue you.

I won't.

Also, you can't take the money and go on vacation with Diego.

What?

All right.

Is this like popping off?

You have a real relationship now with Diego?

No, I don't have any relationship.

Hi!

Can I tell you what happened, though?

Yeah.

So, we're at the beach, right? And Diego's there selling coconut water. No, no, no.
Diego was there with his family. Selling coconut water.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And some sort of weird mushroom that he collected, you know what I mean? And then, so he was there and- These are chanterelle.
No, he was actually like a cute, very handsome young man. How tall? Is he a tall guy? 5'9", 5'10".
Okay. Just like kind of got Keanu Reeves-y hair.
Oh, good, nice hair. Yeah, yeah.
And he just kind of comes up and he goes, Hey, dude, it's not my fault that you're famous. He comes to me.
That's what he said? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good line.
That's a great line. Hey, man, it's not my fault that you're famous.
I got to get a photo, dog. This guy's great.
Great gotta get a photo dog this guy's great great right I love this guy I got half hard yeah ooh right ooh so you know I'm looking at him and we take the photo and um young cute and he just kind of walks away smooth he goes he does a he goes jives into the ocean he does he does he does his, you know, the butterfly. Oh, he can swim.
Yeah, there's butterfly. Does he swim? Is it something he does? I don't know.
And you saw the back muscles shimmering in the ocean, right? Are you sure you're not into it? No, no, no. And like, you know how like the bathing suit gets wet? So you can see the ass cheeks better.
So he's doing and the ass cheeks would come out some way how old is this boy legal definitely legal right his ass cheeks would stick out of the water right and i would like all right and at one point i didn't know where he went so i kind of just walked around the beach to locate him again yeah there he is now he's on his back and you know, not that I was looking but his little pee-pee was sticking out of the ocean. Boink, boink.
Out of the ocean, right? And it was kind of like a buoy. To me it was like a buoy.
So I could follow the buoy. He was just bobbing through the water.
Almost like a shark. Like dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.
So anyway, then what's a crispy? What is that noise? What's crunching? Fancy. Your mic is on.
Are you chewing or are you? Oh, yeah. Turn your mic off.
This fucking piece of shit. Dude, you're a...
This guy, this is what happened. I'm in the middle of a thing.
Because he gets fired and he thinks... Now he thinks he's hot.
He's safe. You're not safe.
You're not safe, pal. You're not safe, dude.

What are you eating into the microphone?

You cannot fire me again.

Oh, my favorite candy.

What is it?

It's called congitos.

It's amazing.

Give it to me.

Give it to us so you can't have it anymore.

I want some.

I feel like a teacher.

Bring it into the office right now or you're going home, pal.

Is it really your favorite candy?

Is this real?

What is it?

Give it to Rudy.

What is it called?

It's called Coquitos.

Do you see it?

Let me see.

It might be the most racist thing I've ever seen.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
So the audience can see it at home. Oh, my God.
It's the most racist. Fancy.
I mean, yeah. Fancy.
Yeah. Congitos means what? Like, let me just say something.
Do you want to guess? But can I also say this, right? It's like when they were designing the M&Ms, right the little M&M's yeah and they went to the brown M&M some guy said just don't put red lips on it you know what I mean and Congitos was like yeah Congitos said fuck it you have to put red lips on it holy shit this couldn't be more racist it's the most racist thing I've ever seen it's so funny Pete bring up an image up an image of congitos so people can see. What is it? It's chocolate.
What again? It's chocolate. Yeah.
It's peanuts. Oh, it's just peanuts.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
This is so... Oh, my God.
Go all in the right. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Congitos.
Oh, my God. Congitos.
The delicious racist treat. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Holy shit.
Do you like chocolate-covered racism? Congitos. I know.
I can't. That is insane.
But can I be honest with you? Yeah. These are so good.
So fucking good. It's worth it.
Sometimes it's just like- Yeah, sometimes it's worth it. That's how confident they are.
Yeah. Right? We're going to put this racist thing, but they'll still buy it.
You know why? It's so fucking delicious. They're confident.
They're so good. They can be racist.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fancy, did you honestly like bring those in and make the noise so you could do that bit? No.
Such a good actor. No.
No. Such a bad actor.
That is so funny though, by the so funny though By the way But I'm just saying This is the way That worked To me Now thinking back It was perfect So he's in Spain Yeah You know he's at like A store He sees Conquitos How do you say 11 Once Siete once He's at the 7-11 there. The siete onse.

And he looks at the thing.

I think this will be good for bad friends.

Oh, this is a good beat.

Yeah, so he brings it back.

Right?

He eats it live in front of us.

He makes the rapper loud.

Turns up his mic.

Who the fuck eats like that?

He does.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

So I get out of how it works.

But you know what?

It worked for the program, so.

Thank you, fans.

Thank you.

One, two, three.

Thank you, fans. Thank you, fans.
Rudy, I watched watched did you post on your story in hawaii of you swimming with sharks yeah did you why didn't you keep that video up i oh i just posted it on my story not mine so cool did you swim with sharks i did it the last time i didn't do it this time oh it looked so cool it was scary do you still have it on your phone, the video? I think. Send it to Pete so we can show it.
The time before that I did it, I was with Kalilah and her sister. And there was one point where me and Quinda, Kalilah's sister, was clinging onto the boat, like scared.
Of sharks. Yeah, because it's like, they have all these rules, right? Like, you know what I mean? Don't, what were the rules? Don't lock eyes.
Do you lock eyes with it or no? You have to lock eyes. You lock eyes with it.
So it knows that you're not afraid of it. Right, then you have to be above it.
Right, is that one of them? Swim above. You can't flounder, flounder.
What was it, flounder? Don't flounder? No, don't. Don't be a cool little cute fish in the sea.
No, no, no, let's go. Don't move your limbs erratically.
Yeah, but what is that word? Foundering floundering don't flounder whatever that is whatever that is don't do that right but it's like but let me say something it's like that in the human world as well you look people in the eye no you do all those things you stay above them above them and you don't flounder right but and then the human beings that you live amongst, right, they act accordingly, right? But you always have crazy ones. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. You always have the Dahmers.
You have the guy that showed up Virginia Tech. You know what I mean? You know, on the edge.
A couple of loose sharks out there. Loose, right.
So when you're out there and they tell you the rules, that necessarily doesn't mean that you can't get eaten.

Right.

There can be rogue.

There can be rogue sharks.

Right, so me and Quinda were out there and one shark was looking up at us and he goes, nah.

Oh, he was over it.

Yeah, I was doing all the things like this, you know what I mean?

Right.

I just locked eyes on it and I could see him go, nah.

You know how they say that people, because a lot of times surfers get bit, they say, because it looks like a fish.

Because the surfboard is bowed like this.

Yeah, yeah.

And then your arms are out.

So it looks like a fish because the surfboard is bowed like this. Yeah, yeah.
And then your arms are out. So it looks like the limbs of a turtle or a fish.
For you, they look up. It looks like a perfect little dumpling just floating, a beautiful little – like a piece of bao, a piece of dim sum, just a beautiful piece of fried pork and veggies.
You could have said something like a seal. No.
Like a pudgy seal. I had to make it an Asian thing.
I know. But you do look like a seal.
Thank you. No, but in a good way.
Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I probably don't look like the humans.
Like a regular human. Yeah, like a lean, you know what I mean? Like an in-shape regular.
I kind of, you know what I mean? I do this like a turtle. They think you're a turtle.
Yeah, yeah. So I'm out there like this.
They think you're on a surfboard. This is literally what they see, right? And I'm doing this with my face.
I'm scared, right? And then they're like, nah. So one shark went up, and then Quinda and I went to the surface.
We clung onto the boat, and we tried to climb on the boat. Did it come near you, near you? Yeah, it was like right by our legs.
Waiting for you to slip up. So this time when they went, I was like, no.
No, you're not doing it. You weren't scared at all, were you, Rudy? I was kind of scared, but when I got in.
Hey, just lie. Just lie.
Were you scared? No, I wasn't scared. Perfect.
Wait, you were a little bit scared when you first got in? Yeah. You were? Yeah, but when I got in.
What calmed you down? When I got in the water and I saw them, I just didn't care anymore. You just didn't no wow if this is true is this true this is stupid I'm being a dumb guy but is it true that they don't allow you to go in if you're on your period do they ask women if you're on your period no it doesn't matter it doesn't matter why blood blood and water they can smell much blood no no but they can just smell any leakage of blood yeah so if, like, I bite my nails.
Seriously, if there's blood in the water, they can smell blood from miles away. I have, like, blood farts.
Like, if I fart in the ocean. Blood fart guys can't go in.
That's their rules. They said, people with their periods, blood fart guys, and if you've got a hangnail.
Maybe that's what it was, because I always do blood farts. In the water? In the water.
Well, that's what a shark. It makes a bubble, like a red bubble in the ocean.
So you're swimming. And it's a red bubble, and the sharks go, yum.
Oh, that guy looks good. Yeah, yeah.
I'll just gobble up the bubble. You know what I mean? Blood farts.
Blood farts. Back to Diego.
I know you want to go back to Diego. You thought I was going to go away from him.
No, I knew we were going back. He's a nice guy.
We're not making fun of him, right? So he's, how old is he? 20? 21? 20 or 21. He was there with his family.
He's from San Diego. So we go, Jules, Jules, go swim, right? Because she said that he was cute.
And yes, Diego, she thinks you're cute. Wake up.
Wake up. Obviously, she thinks you're cute, Diego.
Also, Diego, right? Get a hint. She's the co-star of a very popular podcast.
No, no, no. The most popular podcast.
One of the most popular podcasts. The most popular podcast.
Let's equate it to music back in the late 60s. We're...
Mamas and the Papas. We're Bee Gees.
We're the Bee Gees. We're the Bee Gees.
Right. And she's Maurice...
We're Jefferson Starship. She's Maurice Gibbs.
100%. So who am I? You're Barry.
You're Barry. I'm Barry.
You gotta be Barry. Yeah, and you're- I'm the one with the fucked up face.

You're the one with the fucked up face.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Face, face, face.

With the teeth.

The teeth.

Yeah, yeah.

So, but you're Maurice, right?

So we're the Bee Gees.

Anyway, she was too shy to do it.

We kept pushing her.

Well, the pushing her is not gonna make her go do it.

But her sister came up.

Whose sister?

Diego's sister.

Oh, Diego's sister.

You know what I mean? How old are they? Diego's sister was 23. A little bit older, a little bit more confident.
She just comes over and she goes, my brother said that you were famous. I just don't know who the fuck you are.
Ooh, a little cocky. Yeah, but I liked it though.
Yeah, smooth. I liked it.
I didn't even know who you are. My first reaction, I wanted to go like this right on the face.
Like that right, right, right. But I went, good.
Good. That was confident.
Very good. So she says, my brother says you're famous.
I don't know who you are. And you say, yeah, bitch, I'm.
No, I go, you have to play humble. So I go, yeah, not a lot of people do.
It's a cult thing. So cute.
It's a cult thing. So then Diego comes out of the water.

Looking like a snack.

Oh, it's just wet.

Looking like a congitos.

Looking like a chocolate-covered peanut.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Here comes the congitos.

It was Diego, not Ian Edwards.

All right.

It was Ian Edwards.

It was Ian Edwards.

Yeah, okay.

It was Diego, not Devon.

I understand.

Devon, right.

All right. So he comes up up and they exchange information Right? Are you embarrassed right now? I'm being genuine when I say this How does this go in your generation now? Is it right away like let me get your number Or is it like let me get your Instagram Or how does that work? Yeah it's Gram, see that's like, can I have your, you'd have to ask the girl for her number.
Your home number. Right, can I have your home number? Can I have your home phone number? Right, you can never get them at home either.
Right, you just, you would call 20 times a day. This is what happened, literally, it was a, and the dad would answer.
Hello? Hang up, immediately. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I would hang up immediately. Uncomfortable.
I was so scared. Or, I always wanted, like, answering machine.
I loved answering machine. Right? And here's the thing.
I would leave a message. Like if I met a girl.
Yeah. And then I wouldn't leave the house for three days.
Just waiting for them to call back. Until the phone call.
Right? Dude, this is so funny. And back then you had no Postmates or anything like that, right? No.
So you'd just be sitting there. You're like, I'm not going to eat food for a day and a half.
Yeah, you wouldn't even go to the other room because you wouldn't miss the call. I can't call i can't miss this call yeah so you're just staring at the phone for like 24 hours god that's so funny you guys will never know that feeling of like when you leave a message so if i called a girl and her mom answered then i could handle it right but if the dad answered or the you would hang up or the brother oh my god i'd throw the fucking phone yeah yeah the brother's like what's up i'm like fuck this i would hang up immediately yeah because the brothers already hated you they fucking hated you so you weren't gonna be like hey man what's up cause they were like what do you want what did people do when they were like late for work like you're in the car right you were just allowed to be late are you sure well then you'd show up and you'd go sorry I was late there was an accident and because they couldn't check it on social media they were like oh there must, there must have been an accident.
Oh, you could say anything. You got away with everything.
Yeah, there was a gigantic lizard. Like, I thought it was Godzilla first, but...
And everybody, your boss was like, wow, lizards are out again. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, good luck in the office. Every cup of Nespresso coffee is an invitation to transform your morning routine into a ritual you can treasure each and every day.
Using the Virtuo Pop, a simple touch of the button, freshly brews bold aromas, and a rich velvety crema layer for delicious cafe-quality coffee at home. Whether you enjoy your coffee hot or over ice, every sip every morning is unforgettable.
Nothing tastes like Nespresso coffee. Visit Nespresso.com or our app to explore our full range of easy-to-use machines and coffees not found anywhere else.

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.

Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game?

Well, with the name Your Price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget

and potentially lower your bills.

Try it at Progressive.com.

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates.

Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.
It's time to rewrite the vacation rules. With Royal Caribbean, your family can look forward to just about anything.
Break the thrill barrier. Flooring down the tallest water slide in North America.
Jump into breathtaking jungles and jaw-dropping coves. Vibe off the charts on our private island perfect day at Coco Cay.
And end the day knowing things are just getting started. Because this isn't just any vacation.
This is all the vacations. Come seek the Royal Caribbean.
Chips Registry, Bahamas. I remember going to the movie theater.
I never forget. I was meeting my friends, Matt, Brent, Sean, at the movie theater, and something was miscommunicated.
The timing or something, right? I get there. Nobody's there.
Yeah. Nobody's there.
Yeah. My mom dropped me off.
This is the thing. I text mom come back no i'm there alone yeah at the

movie theater what did i do i watched the movie by myself yeah i went and i watched the movie and

then when i came out my mom picked me up she's like how was it i was like nobody was here yeah

i was here by myself and then i realized when we i got home i called them and they're like

no tomorrow we're going tomorrow okay i already saw it so now it's so i can't go there was no way

to go oh shit we screwed up it's tomorrow no you just have to like live through those moments

Thank you. tomorrow we're going tomorrow okay i already saw it so now it's so i can't go there was no way to go oh shit we screwed up it's tomorrow no you just have to like live through those moments although you you were around when when you got auditions you had to show up at your agency to get the sides please and also you had to fucking do this the stupid like slate videos in their office and hand them a headshot you'd have to go get your headshots printed out hand them the headshots stand there and they would take photos yeah and you just gave them a fucking photo yeah and then they would do a video of you going hi a six foot one and then turn to the side and then turn to the side and then you'd give them all your shit read your shit and then get out well we would they my agency had a filing cabinet in an alleyway outside the agency.

And they would say, you know, the office is closed, but go to the filing cabinet.

So that you would show up.

You would drive all the way to Beverly Hills or wherever.

Right.

You'd wait in line with other actors.

To get the sides.

To get the sides.

And some guy doesn't know his last name.

Jachowski.

Where's the day?

You know what I mean?

And then you would spend two hours doing this.

That's insane. And then you would get it finally.
and your line is, yes, I can. Or whatever it is.
It's like one line, and then you're just like, ah. Super salad.
And then you don't get it either. Of course you're not going to get it.
You show up the next day, you don't get it. No.
It's the worst. Those days are all gone.
Now you have the easiest convenience of, let me get your Instagram. So he gets your gram back to Diego, our favorite congitos.
So he gets your Instagram and you go hit me up on the gram and I'll talk to you later and then he goes away? Yeah. You weren't chatting a little bit? He just asked if I was related to Tito Bobby.
And you said yes? Yeah. And then that's, what else? We're not.
Yeah. But for this it doesn't matter.
Oh, but in circumstances, some circumstances, you use that. Of course.
But in other circumstances, you don't. Like we're at a restaurant and I'll go, that's my daughter.
And she'll go, no, he's not, we're not blood related. She'll just say that out loud.
I don't know. I just happen to live with it.
You know what I mean? She like goes into an explanation. But when it comes to fucking Diego, you go, yeah, we're related.
I get it. I totally get it.
You got to use it to your advantage. You would do the exact same thing.
Anyway, they've been doing messages back and forth. Okay, so you DM.
Instagram. No, but no phone number exchange yet.
No phone number. Just DM.
Right. Does it ever go to phone number or no? I don't know.
She doesn't know how to do it. That's what we're going to help her.
Is this the first time DMing with a boy like this? Kind of. Ooh.
Yeah. He lives in San Diego.
So I was telling her to just go. Here's something Rudy doesn't know.
We've hacked your phone. We're going to bring up the DMs, Pete.
We have them right here. We'd like to read them out loud.
Yeah. No.
But what she has to do is take a risk and go, at least, hey, if you're ever in LA, let's hang out. Something like that.
Or invite him up to LA.

Yeah, yeah.

Why don't you invite him up?

Be like, come up here and- Let's watch a movie or have dinner on a movie.

Would you do that?

No, it doesn't seem interesting.

Can you do this?

And this would really show me-

Why?

If you think we're blood related and we're really close,

that means trust and there's a bond and a trust that you and I have. And it would really show me a lot if you just gave me your Instagram right now.
No. I guess there's no trust.
No trust. And just listen.
And we won't, I promise you, we won't send it until we get your okay,

the message.

I think that's, let's do it.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't trust you.

No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no.

Rudy, Rudy.

Rudy, come on, just do it.

Rudy, Rudy, just do it.

Rudy, I promise you, I promise you I won't send it.

This is for the show, and if I send it,

how about this?

If I do send it without your approval,

we keep mama.

Okay.

Okay, okay.

Oh, my God. Now she wants you to send it.
Yeah, yeah. All right, so throw the DM over there.
And we're not going to be able to put it up to show the fans, so you have to dictate everything because we can't show them. I'll dictate it.
Yeah. Don't start deleting stuff now.
I won't. Go hand him the phone.
Yeah, give me the phone. This is great.
This is a breakthrough moment for you guys. I know.
Bring it over here. All right, slow down, slow down.
You don't want to be that kind of parent, you know? Give me the fucking thing. When are you not in pajamas, by the way? I know.
I said that earlier. I said that earlier.
Wear some adult clothes. Should we need to buy you some clothes? I just read one thing that makes me want to vomit already.
Do you want me to do it so it's less harmful for you? Because she knows I'm not going to text him. No, no.
I just want to say, you just said George is the best. What? What does that even mean? So you're lying? I like George.
He's not the best. He's not even close to being the best.
Yeah, he's middle. He's fine.
He's okay. He's fine.
He's normal. George is the best.
I want to see what you type in it. He's not going to type anything yet.
Can I just say this right now? And time out real fast. George has 16,000 followers.
I want to say this for my fans right now because Fancy and I went to lunch today. George has 16,000.
Fancy has 15.9. He is about to pass George on Instagram.
And you know how mad George is going to be. Oh, it's going to be great.
Please. Please follow Fancy B.
Please follow Fancy. And we'll put it right down here.
It's Fancy B.1. Fancy B.1.
Please follow Fancy. We love it.
Go ahead. Dude, dude, dude.
So I just want to. This is the kind of.
She's playing a game. What? Just let me finish.
Don't yell. We'll cut this out if you're too uncomfortable about it.
All right? Bob, we're not going to cut it out. I know.
So I just want to. So at 1252 today, right? PM.
PM. Today.
Post Meridian. He goes, how does it feel like to be back in LA? How does it feel like to be back in LA? To her, right? Okay.
No response from her. Let's hear what it sounds like from a Spaniard.
Let's hear how he would say it. Go ahead, Vance.
How does it feel to be back in LA, Rudy? Right. Okay.
But no response from her. Oh, cold.
So now he's kind of waiting around. He's like, oh, no response.
So he gives another thing. Uh-oh, Diego.
Diego. Uh-oh, Diego.
Uh-oh, Diego. Actually, how long have you been in L.A.
for? Let's hear it, fans. How long have you been in L.A.
for? Oh, it sounds desperate. It's so desperate.
It's so desperate. Right? And then you haven't responded back.
Why not? Because I just don't want to yet. We're really blowing up your spot.
So let's respond then. Yeah.
Yeah, because you know what? By the way, we're not making fun of Diego or your DM exchange. And if it was very private, we would never talk about it on the show.
That being said, we're showing Diego live on a show how rude you are not responding rude no that is yeah it's so rude so rude um let's respond bob how long have you been in la how about like um you know for a while but i haven't really met anyone quite like you yeah for a no! For a while. That's great! Hold on, hold on.
Make a joke first. All right.
Make a joke first, like the boat sunk after I got over here. You know, something like that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, how long have you been in L.A.? Long enough.
They'll say like 80 suns or something like that. 80 suns.
Make like a joke. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
80 suns sons Make like a joke 80 sons 80 sons How long have you been in LA? Almost 3 years 3 years But it feels like No don't say 3 years 3 years is what? 365 times 3 is Say over a thousand sons Over a thousand sons Let. Over a thousand.
Over a thousand sons. Let's see if he gets that.
Yeah. A thousand sons.
Over a thousand sons. Because in the Philippines, that's how they refer to a day is a son.
Now, do I have my permission to send this? Over a thousand. Over a thousand sons.
She sent. She's going to have to do so much damage control.
I sent it. All right.
Over a thousand sons. Over.
And since he did two, what did you do two? I agree. I agree.
I agree. I think it should be back to back.
Two for tat. Two for tat.
And you should say now you're going to answer the first question. And the first question was what? You did 1,000 suns.
I want to do my own message, right? Go ahead. Yo, son.
Yo, son. You looked hella rip on that beach.tw bt dubs yo son no no no no no btw

what's btw by the way by the way btw you looked hella ripped yeah by the way you looked hella Ripped.

Hello, Ripped.

Looked.

Hello.

Ripped.

On da beach, D.A.

Ripped on da beach.

And then what's another good phrase? Beach, cuz. I just want to say...
Cuh, C-U-H is cuh. It's like a bruh.
It's like a new... C-U-H? Cuh, C-U-H.
C-U-H. You look hella ripped.
Read it. By the way, you look hella ripped on da beach, cuh it yeah yes what yes you want me to say i can send that she's having fun yeah i'm fine by the way i sent it if this this doesn't mean i'm keeping fucking the dog because it's sending it if you know i mean if you disapprove yeah if it's so we did two he goes how does it feel to be back in LA space actually how long

have you been in LA for

and you said

over a thousand sun

by the way

you looked

hella ripped

give it back

Rudy

he's never gonna respond

he's never gonna respond

to that

oh my god

shit

the arm bro

when does this air

let's give it up for Rudy

by the way

great job

when does this air

the second

Monday the second

August 2nd. Oh.
That's fine. You're fine with the thing? Yeah.
All right. August 2nd.
What's why? What's wrong? What was it? What? There was something. Was there a problem? But no, here's what she's going to do now, though, is this.
I broke that guy's arm. No, no, no.
It was already broken. And it's all the way over there.
Yeah, so the third message, she's going to send a third message and she's going to go, that was just, those last two messages were from Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee. No, but at least let him, let's see if he can play with it.
Like, let's see if he at least has fun. Yeah, yeah.
Because, let it sit for a second. Yeah.
Right? Because you can do that third message, even if he doesn't respond and he it's weird three hours from now and then he'll be like oh that was funny. Keep the DM open to see if he's seen it.
Okay. And just let us know if anytime during the pod you can see it.
Wait wait it shows you that you can see it? It says seen. Yeah.
I didn't know. Yeah I know because when I text you it says read.
Yeah yeah. And then you pretend like you didn't know and I was like I saw you read it I saw you read it I think I'm a weasel yeah let's be real let's take a vote let's take a studio vote yeah we'll come in here no they can do it from where they see their faces all right come in here I'm the I have to turn this on.
It's so hot in here. I'm so sweaty.

Are you warm now?

Yeah.

You were cold before.

Yeah, yeah.

All right.

Okay.

Well, we're not going to be able to see them on camera, but you just want to be able to see them.

No, I want to see their faces, right?

All right.

Get in here, fans.

Pete, I'm looking at you right now, bud.

And before you even answer, I have to say, you know what I mean?

I have to say, it's been a pleasure working with you.

Weasel.

He called you a weasel right away.

Okay, you can leave.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let him stay.

Let's safe. on time you do a really good job and you know here's another thing that you do is you have a trustworthy kind of energy about you like i feel safe i feel like um rudy's safe we're all safe in your in your presence and i just think that um i'd really like to work with you for the rest of my life am i a weasel you know what you got caught up in it happens to anybody no thank you that's a no from Pig.
Pig, you're dismissed. Thank you.
I'm going to change my answer. Okay, you can sit there, right?

Yeah. You know, I think that the exchange we do back and forth and the energies exchange, it's like two people, two souls that's been doing that for eternity.

It really does feel like that.

It's like we were sort of you're my yin

and I'm your yang.

Yeah, you are more of a yang, I guess.

You don't have to say that.

I've always thought I was more yang.

You're very much of a yang.

I've been more yang-y.

You've been so much more yang.

You're more yang than any yin I've ever met. But here's the thing.
He's super Yang as well. He's remarkably a high amount of Yang.
Yeah, so if he's more Yang than I am, I have to be the Yang. I got to tell you, there's a lot of Yang.
We're both Yangs. Okay, fine.
That's why. Yeah, yeah.
And that is why I think that since I feel like we've been doing this eternity in our souls and that we're two pieces in a pot, as I say.

And I feel like I've known you forever.

And I just really think that I feel comfortable with you as well more than that fat piece of shit that was just in here.

Whoa.

Ask him already.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, come on.

The buffalo with tits that was in here.

Oh, my God.

Oh, come on.

I'm sorry. Ask the question.
Ask him him do you think I'm a weasel I don't really know the meaning of that word oh that's great he's using the cop out of the second language that's really smart you gotta let him go on that yeah you're dismissed good luck thank you fans I think I have weasel energy. You're not a weasel, dude.
No, because I've done stuff like... You have weasel tendencies for sure.
No, I did that at the store once. What? I did a big weasely thing.
What'd you do? So I was at the store, and we had this Thai manager. You never met him.
And his name was Kirk. What do you mean? The guy that ended up owning that restaurant down in Santa Monica? Didn't he open up a Thai place down in Santa Monica? Yeah, that's not him.
That was Tony. Tony.
Yeah, yeah. Okay.
So Kirk was this, like he was in like the Thai military. So if you showed up a minute late, you're fired.
I love it. If you went over your time, you never got spot again.
Wow. Like he was militant.
Legit. Legit.
I like it. But nobody liked working with him.
Because he was just too much. Yeah, everyone hated him.
But that was a time when I wasn't getting any spots because the talent coordinator didn't like me. Who? I can't tell you.
Fine. Tommy.
No, way before Tommy. No, I was just filling in a name.
Oh, that's funny. So, and everyone hated Kirk, but Kirk, because I was Asian, Kirk would walk up to me and go, Hey, buddy, you want some time? He loved you.
And I go, you put me up there? I'd do well for you, for you, anything. Oh, he loved you.
I loved me. So he would put me up.
It would enrage everybody. Why? Why? You weren't good enough yet? That was okay, but it's like- You didn't deserve the spots yet.
Not really. Okay.
I mean- That's fine. Every time.
Someone was late. Bobby, come over here.
You want to go out? Do some time. Hey, that's Asian privilege.
Asian privilege, right? So then Eleanor and the whole staff, even the comics, all wrote a petition- No! To get Kirk fired. Because you were getting stage time? No, because he didn't like him.
They just hated him. They hated him.
Okay. But when I caught wind of this petition, I went to the top.
Oh, you went to Mitzi? Holy shit. And Pauly, the whole family.
Oh, wow. You're just pushing your weight around.
To rat these insubordinates. Oh, my God.
What were you ratting on them about? I was warning them about this list of people that I'm signing. And then I was like, I was also, Crook's a great guy.
You dick. Yeah, like a weasel.
You are a little weasel. Because I'm a survivor.
You are? I'm trying to survive, right? You're a cockroach. But then everyone found out that I did that.
Yeah, of course. and then everyone for years hated me for years old would say hi to me who hated you the most eleanor does she does she hate you now no we love each other but she did there's a deep love now what did you you think what get what got her over the hump like what made her stop hating you i don't know what happened um about okay so that happened over 20 years ago

a long time right yeah so she didn't talk to me for 20 years holy shit in fact when i saw her in the hallway i'd have to go around because she could beat the shit out of you not that it was just the shit her energy i should beat the shit out of you yeah that's what it was yeah so one day

maybe three years ago

there was a party

like a Christmas party

and i was downstairs you know where the podcast room was at the comedy store yeah and a bunch of people were down there i walk in there i didn't know eleanor was there and then there were so many people there i got just kind of got stuck near i couldn't get out and then i turn around like this and eleanor's right here perfect right and she looks at me and I look at her and she goes, do you want to do my podcast? Oh. And I go, yeah.
It was all gone. No.
We had to do it on the podcast. Oh, you hashed it out on the podcast.
On the podcast, we hashed it out. But it was cathartic.
It was great. Oh, that's good.
It was great. But I have done a lot of weaselly things in my life but only out of survival right it's fight or flight and you're gonna fight you're fighting yeah you don't have a choice and i'm generally only like that when it comes to my career career yeah that is true i agree with you on that but i'm sure you've done stuff in your career that's a little shady to save my own ass or to go ahead oh how about this okay i've actually been my agents weaseled and lied about a thing that they approved that i got in trouble for when i can't tell the whole i can't i know it's hard but there's a lot of incidences but what they did was weasel and so what i did was rat them all out.
I showed the emails.

Yeah.

Because they denied it.

They're like,

we never said that that was okay for him to do.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

Send, send, send.

I sent all the emails.

Yeah.

They all approved it.

All of them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because they were trying to,

agents are just,

all they do is go,

we never said to him,

we didn't say he could do,

we didn't do that.

Yeah.

Yeah, you did.

I said that.

I can't tell the story.

It's not fun.

But no,

I'll do it to protect. You do it if they're backing you into a corner.
Yeah. You don't have a choice.
Yeah. You didn't have a choice if you didn't have a choice.
Why did you paint your nails, by the way? Show the audience. So.
We'll hold it up to the camera so they can actually see it. So the girls.
So the girls were going to Hawaii. Yeah.
And they, you know how they do their little girly things. And they go around the table.
You felt left out. No, they had all the stickers and stuff.
They were like, Tito Bobby, paint your nails. I go, why? Because we're going to Hawaii.
Okay. That's pretty much it.
Did you want him to paint his nails? You did? After all these years, you still can't put the mic near your face.

It's almost shocking.

It's insane.

It's insane.

At this point, it's almost scary.

So did you ask him or did Kalilah push for it?

I think I told him.

You said he had to do it.

Did you paint them or did he do it?

He did.

Why don't you have the girls do it?

Look at how much better of a job they would have done.

That's nicking and scratching and chipping.

I have another thing I want to hash out with her. Oh, go ahead.
Is, so this new guy. Diego.
Oh, let's check in with Diego. Did he do that? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Welcome back to check in. Hey, let's have fancy say checking in with Diego.
Go ahead. Checking in with Diego.
Checking in with Diego. Anything? Nothing.
Damn, this guy. Damn, I'm doing smiting.
You know what it is, though? He probably sees that you've DM'd him, but he doesn't want to open it because he wants to give it time. Well, I have...
Let me see if he befriended my friend request because I could also do a second thing. You know what I mean? Yeah.
Ask him. Yeah, yeah.
So let's do this. Oh, wait.
You requested his friendship? Yeah. Smooth.
Yeah. So let's go to...
Because is his profile private? is that why yeah he befriended it so i can now message okay so sup brah sup brah yes and give the shaka give this give the shot br a h what's up brah and then shaka and then shaka give the shaka emoji can to do a thumbs up is not the same shockH What's up, brah? And then Shaka. And then Shaka.
Give the Shaka emoji. Can I do a thumbs up? Is that the same? Shaka's way better.
Shaka is brah. I know, but I can't find it.
Oh, there it is. Right under the hands.
Right under the hands. Yeah.
Sup, brah? Sup, brah? Yeah. Can I see a picture of this guy? I want to see what he looks like.
He doesn't have any photos of him. Well, let me see.
That's his dad. Just give me the phone no there's no i'm not looking that's his mom that's his sister well i can compile what he looks like through those two people i guess oh there we go that's him because he took a photo with me oh he is good looking yeah yeah he's a good looking guy wow d eggs uh-oh.
Spaghetti-o's.

I think we're off to

a little romance. And he lives in

SD. Can I finish this message or what, brah?

Yeah, sap brah. I thought sap brah is all we needed to say to this

guy. Really? Well,

sap brah says a lot. Sap brah.
Sap brah.

Alright, send. You could be trying to fight him.

You could try to hang out. Sap brah.
Sap brah. Send.

Right, and then if you message

his back, that'll be good.

So this was a one-time love story in Hawaii.

Yeah.

No, there was another one, right?

Jesus.

Another one, right?

No.

Damn, she got a lot of Hawaii lovers, huh?

I don't.

There's no one.

The guy that asked for surfing instructions?

Uh-oh.

It was nothing.

But you liked him. Yeah, it was cute.
Yeah. But? Did you get the number? The DM, the DM.
No, my aunt got his number. Yeah.
Those Filipinos are aggressive. Give me your number for my aunt.
I know. I know.
But we just need her to open up a bit, you know? She's really shy. I think if you look back on the episodes that we started this show you've definitely changed your vibe you've definitely gotten more open more you're getting more confident more confident yeah you know like look Bobby in the eye right now let's see your confidence level tell him to go fuck himself look him right in the eye and say go fuck yourself do it go fuck yourself whoa that was so believable i love it man this is good i like this new rude do more do more do more do more tell her look him in the eye and say you're a fat piece of shit move the mic down so the camera can see you move below your mouth there you go look him right in the eye and do it you're a fat piece of Shit.
Shit. Ready?

Ready for another one?

Look at him right in the eye and say, you're not my blood and I don't respect you at all. You're not my blood and I don't respect you at all.
Oh my God. It looks so real when she says it.
Wow.

Woo.

That was a good one.

That was a good one.

One more.

One last one.

You want another one? One last one for the room.

I like it.

It's so magic, isn't it?

I like it.

I like it.

Look at me in the eye and say, I can't wait till Auntie Kalilah leaves you.

I can't wait till Auntie Kalilah leaves you. Oh, my God.
Oh, that one hurts. That one stung.
He's getting hit a little bit. Stung me, fuck.
Wow. That was a good one.
Now say I'm sorry. I mean none of it.
I'm sorry, Tito Bobby. I don't mean any of it.
That I don't believe. I don't believe that.
That I didn't believe that. That's the thing.
I didn't believe that last part. That last part was a lie.
It was a lie. All the other stuff was truism.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Let's look him in the eye again and say, I didn't mean any of that. I didn't mean any of that.
No. The inflection.
I didn't mean any of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You meant a lot of that stuff. No, no.
Wow. But you know what? What did you smell in the car ride From the airport to home All farts Yeah All farts That's what you get That's what you get That's your clothing company I knew you were going to say that today All farts Right so yesterday I did preemptive Farts in your face You loaded up Yeah They were nasty Play that clip Pete What is that AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH guy He's shaking I like that it fills up his belly.
Look, it fills up his stomach. Yeah.
This guy's great. Would you go out with this guy? Yeah, is this guy dateable? Is this like Diego? Is this a dateable guy? Too fat? All right, get rid of it.
Get rid of it. Hey, so I want to ask you if you've seen this show, and this clip is from the show.
It's called... Oh, we'll do this first.
There's a show called Sexy Beast. Do you know what that is? I saw the movie, but not the...
Look at this. So it's called uh oh we'll do this first uh there's a show called sexy beast do you know what that is i saw the movie but not that look at this so it's a dating show on netflix yeah and you get dressed up like a furry yeah and you go on a date yeah to see if you fall in love and then if you get through uh like love is blind and all these shows then you get to take off the makeup and everything but they have to go on a date and look like that's hilarious can you and i do and I do this? I'd love to do it.
I'm serious. We can hire professional makeup people.
I'd love to do it. To make you and I go out when we go do our date.
Date who, though? You and me are going out on a date. Oh, okay.
Let's do it. I want to do a first date with you.
Yeah. And look like, look at how good the makeup looks.
It's so good. Is it all guys or? No, no, no, no, no.
That was a woman there. Look.
Oh. And they go out on dates like this.
That's insane. I can't wait to see the show.
Yeah. I just saw the clip today.
Look at how good the makeup is. It's so good.
That baboon. Look at that.
Look at that. That's amazing.
But it's not as if they shoot this in one day. No, it takes forever.
It takes months. So every morning, this person gets a 4 a.m.
wake-up call. Yeah, and they do three hours of his makeup.
No, that's six hours of makeup, dude. It's insane.
It's insane. I love dating shows.
Have you seen this show? Do you know about this show? No. Show that clip.
Show that clip of the one from the one. Look at that guy.
Show that clip from the old dating show, the first kiss show. I'm hoping that he's a really great kisser for sure because I really have tried everything with dating.
I've dated online. I've hosted singles events.
I've approached strangers. It's like a first kiss show where you have to kiss them the moment you see them.
I think I am definitely more confident this time because I've already had that first kiss out of the way.

I think my strategy is just go for the kiss.

Maybe I'll be able to slip tongue and then from there things take off and who knows, maybe she's my first girlfriend.

Maybe she's his first girlfriend.

Yeah, there he is.

All right.

Walking towards her.

Get ready to make that move.

How's it going?

Good, how are you? Good. What's your name? I'm William.
I'm Josh.

Hi.

Can I kiss you? Can I kiss you? Sure. hey cuz it go back to just He kisses her on the cheek It's so uncomfortable But something happened Well he got so scared You hear when he walks in He audibly goes Yeah yeah yeah That's a good sign.
Hello. Hello.
How's it going? Good. Good.
What's your name? I'm William. He's smiling.
He's like murder smiling. Yeah.
Gotta kiss you. Oh, yeah.
Stop, stop, stop, stop. Hold on.
Gotta kiss you. Gotta kiss you Gotta kiss you

Oh my god

How does she not feel threatened immediately?

I would just turn around and just walk away

Walk away?

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Go ahead

Or say no

No

Go

Sure

Okay

Oh my god okay the way he had to hold her shoulder

I feel so fucking bad for her

I feel so bad for her

because she said yes you can kiss me

imagine the amount of rejection

she feels

she's way prettier than this guy

and she's like I guess you can kiss me can I fuck you yeah Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and then hugs her. Wait, no, he calms.
He calms. He calms and they just hold her like that.
I mean, this dude. I love this guy You know guys like this should just be like I'm a monk I'm a monk now And just go out into the mountains And do the And make the thing Pick things Do the thing.
You know what I mean? You know, gong every day.

You know what I mean?

And just go to sleep.

Meditate.

Light the incense.

Right.

And the candles.

The candles, right?

Make a routine.

At night, you blow everything out.

Right?

Do more of this.

Yep.

Go to sleep and then just die.

You gotta.

Yeah.

No.

You don't think monks jerk off?

They might, but it's like this.

Are monks allowed to masturbate?

Are monks allowed to masturbate?

Google that.

Because wouldn't you think you'd have to?'re not allowed to see people right it's like priests priests can't have they can't have sex are monks allowed to masturbate uh buddhist monks are forbidden from any sexual activity including masturbation and watching porn strictly enforced how would they know well you'd have to go in the forest imagine that's what we did when we were kids. We weren't monks.
Yeah. We'd go jerk off in the woods.
Yeah. You couldn't do it at home.
You'd get caught. If you had brothers and sisters, you were going to get caught.
Brother Elias, where are you going? Oh, just to the woods for a moment. That's a dead giveaway.
Why? Because you have to be specific. Ask me.
Keep talking to me. I'm trying to cover up my own story.
All right, all right, all right. So, Elias, a monk name but he's brutus monk right i'll make it up right okay brother tongo where are you going to the woods to meditate we have a temple right over here where everyone else is meditating i understand but the lord is closer to me with the trees But since we're Buddhists, we don't believe in a Lord.
You got me there. So, brother Togo, again I ask, again I ask, again I ask, why are you going into the forest? Because I want to be one with nature.
You're jerking off again. Okay, I'm jerking off.
You got me there. You got me there.
This monk always says you got me there. Yeah, I need everything.
You got me there. Every day, every day.
You got me there. Every day.
This monk, my brother Togo, right, is out of the forest jerking off. And he has some weird conversation with these guys every fucking day.
He tries to make other fucking excuses. He tries to cover it up.
Every day. Next day.
How about next day? Brother Togo. Brother Togo.
Yes. Where are you going? To the woods to meditate.
I don't know why that makes me laugh. Oh, that makes me laugh so much.
Every day. Every day.
By the way, I come back and I clearly have semen on my rope. Ask me what it is.
I come back in the woods. I clearly have semen.
Brother Doggo, Doggo, what's that on your rope? Oh, this must be tree sap from one of the trees.

Tree sap?

It's tree sap from one of the trees I was rubbing against.

Thank you for telling me.

Now tell me it's jizz.

Now tell me it's clearly jizz.

Oh, my son.

I don't know why that made me slap so hard.

Tell me it's clearly jizz.

Now it's just tree sap from one of the trees. Brother Togo, it's obviously jizz.
You got me there. How would you cover it up? How could you even do it? I don't think you would.
Brother Magul, why are you leaving the temple? I would just be honest. Brother Togo, thank you for asking.

Where are you going?

I would just be like,

I would say anything to get away from

not answering the question.

Right, right.

Just keep skirting around.

Ask me.

Brother Magul,

why are you leaving?

The mushroom stew

we had this morning

was a little too salty.

You're going to shit

in the woods.

Yes.

All right.

Sister Magul. All right.
Sister. All right.
That's so funny. By the way, impossible.
You know this is a lie. What? They have to masturbate.
No. Bobby, it's natural.
It's ornate. It's in your body.
It's a part of your being. It's like when they say they say like um you can't repress sexualization no here's the thing it's is that when you go to essay meetings right or you go to a place like i went to a couple years ago right yeah and sex and and pornography and sex is an addiction it's substance abuse yeah you know i've talked to friends of mine and i go did you masturbate you go we're allowed to masturbate but we don't think of anything or we don't look at porn.
What do you do then? They're just basically unloading. Just getting relief.
I think that if you didn't masturbate for six months or- Six months? Yeah, or get it out of your body. I think that a couple of tugs- And it's out.
And it's out. Think about it like this, though.
This is insane. No, because the longest I've gone is 47 days.
Without jerking off. Without ejaculating.
Or sexual contact. Nothing.
47 days. When did you do this and why? I did it with my friend Charlie about nine years ago.
What do you mean with my friend Charlie? No, we were at a Starbucks. We were at a Starbucks.
On the 47th day, you're like, we're fucking each other. You know, he lasted seven months.
He had no sexual contact. No, but I lasted 47 days and I just couldn't do it.
But wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold on, hold on.
No sexual contact with somebody or is it no ejaculation? Like, could he kiss? Could he kiss? Yeah, but those little, those things will always lead to No shit. so you're saying no kissing no touching of another wow holy shit seven months no physical interaction people do it for years Steve O did it for years for years no sexual interaction for years why because of addictions because his sponsor said that like let a time.
And he goes, all right, I'll do a year.

And then a year went.

And then he did another year.

Because he used sexual.

And then he got a girlfriend.

Yeah, a wife now.

A wife.

And now he fucks her.

But my point is that, you know, it's doable.

You went 47 days.

Yeah, it was so hard, though.

How many years ago?

Like 10 years ago. Okay, today.

Bobby Lee, right now, today, 2021.

How long could you go without sexual release? Well, if it was a competition between you and I? Forever. Forever.
Do you want to do it? Yeah. You really do? How will I know if you're lying or not? Well, we're going to live stream each other 24-7.
Pete's going to follow you and Andres will follow me around with a camera. In our beds with us at night.
Honestly, let. It's not impossible.
I think we can do it if we wrote a contract. If you said to me This is the Seinfeld episode.
Four days from now, dude, I did it. Okay, cool.
I won. What I'm telling you is I don't think you can last like you think you can last.
Dude, I lasted 47 days. I can do it.
10 years ago. Yeah, what's the difference? I was 40.
Times change. No, I can do it.
When was the last time you jerked off? Two nights ago. Okay.
But my libido, right, is much lower now. I know, you're older now.
Yeah, so it's like, I think I can do it. You really do? Yeah, I can beat you.
No, that's only because you want to beat me. That's just the thing because in your little brain, you're like, I just need to beat him.
So you'll just hurt yourself just to beat me. I don't think I would be hurt either.
I think it would be good. What are you going to tell Kalilah? What if she's like, I'm feeling like I want to hook up tonight? Well, I would tell her tonight.
I would tell her tonight. I go, me and Andrew are doing this thing, abstinence thing, right? And we're going to see how long we can go.
I think she'll be fine with it. Okay, fine.
My help. Okay.
Will you tell your girl? Yes. Let's do it.
All right, so you guys heard it here first. We're going to do it.
Let's see how long we can hold out. All right.
I'm going to jerk off the moment I get home. Are you really? No.
Yeah, yeah. No, I'm going to hold it out.
Because I go to New York Tuesday. That's good.
The longer you're out of town. Oh, no, that's bad because hotels are jerk-off friendly.
It's a jerk-off city. The moment I landed a new city for comedy, I'm jerking off in the hotel.
Me too. A jerk-off city.
What else am I doing there? Yeah. I poop, I take a big chug of water, and I jerk off.
I unload on the sheet. Furniture.
No, like the fucking, the walls. Lampshades.
Lampshades, everything. Everything.
Everything. Because it's like...
It's freedom. It's not just freedom, it's marking.
Oh, territory. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like a little... I was here.
Pheromones. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's funny. You don't want to hear any of this stuff, do you? No.
No. Well, tell me if Diego hit you back already, will you? He did, didn't he? Nothing.
Did he see it? No. Did you ever see...
Did you ever stay at the condo at the La Jolla Comedy Store? Yeah. That condo, though, is fascinating.
Well, because the amount of semen that's been in that condo? No, it's more semen than you would know because I'll tell you why. Because I stayed there once with Brian Bradley.
I don't even know who that is. You don't know him.
Brian Bradley? And these were 1980s, the first gay comedians. Way before Jason Stewart.
These were the first first gay comedians and they were old men and I was a young kid right and I was staying at the condo with them and late night they go hey kid you wanna hear a story and I go I was scared I think I didn't think but I go I like stories and he goes in 1979 or 78 Brian was a 78 or 79. I think I didn't think, but I go, I like stories.

And he goes,

in 1979 or 78,

Brian,

what is this?

78 or 79, right?

I think it was 79 because,

you know,

and then they're like,

anyway,

we went to,

we were staying in this condo and went to this gay club

and we just got so drunk,

we just announced,

I just stood up and announced,

RG at the condo.

So we all,

right,

just 80 guys

Let's go. stood up and announced, RG at the condo.
So we all, right, just 80 guys in the condo. Back to the comedy store condo.
Yeah, you needed an umbrella. Yeah.
And just walked through, right? It's raining, kids. It's raining cum.
And so once they told me that story and asked anybody else, I've never stayed in that condo again. Hotel.
I always ask for a fucking hotel. That place is so gross.
I could not sleep. I have nothing against other people's cum.
Sure you do. Just I don't want it in my mouth or my skin.
Or anywhere near me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't want it anywhere near me. No, but if there was me.
Let's say you're standing there and you see a puddle of cum right here. You'll be okay with it.
I would not. That would be...
Immediately go, Andres, get in here. Who did this? And Pete.
Pete would go, it was me. That's what's so cool about a gay community.
That's totally kosher. You can walk into a club.
You today they can be like orgy back at our place people would go you can't be at a bar and be like orgy back at our place you'd be in prison immediately the cops are like get out of here I mean there is a thing where I've thought about I wish I was gay because especially being's just, especially being little and Asian.

You would get tossed right around. I would just be,

they would call me the hole.

The hole.

The hole's here.

The hole's upstairs.

And I'm just gonna come in,

my ass was so bad,

I just walk in like this.

Come on, the hole, right?

What do they say when I show up?

They go, the big angry top is here.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I think that you would have gained weight.

I would definitely.

You'd be the bear.

I'd be a bear with that. The red bear's here.
The big red bear is here. Big red guy.
Hey, boys. I would gain like 150 pounds.
But we would fuck. So much.
So much. So much easier.
I mean, come on. I would go troll down Santa Monica.
I've said this before on here. When Justin Martindale used to take us out to those clubs.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
I could get laid by so many of those dudes. I felt so confident.
It was great. Guys would come up and they'd find out that I was straight and they'd be like, fuck out of here.
Yeah. But it was hot.
I was like, look at these guys. I love me.
In the 80s, I would have got the thing. Yeah, you would have gotten HIV.
No, that's not what I'm saying. Yeah, you would have gotten HIV.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure, because you would have just been the hole.
You would have just laid there.

People would have just come run trains on you.

Yeah.

And they'd let you up sometimes. I wouldn't even care.
I'd be like sleeping. Literally, I'd be sleeping, and people would just be unloading on my back, right, on my asshole, right? And I would just wake up and I'd go, hey, Charlie, and go back to sleep.
Dad? I saw a dude

I'll just say this. I saw a dad fan once on, in New York.
He was doing, what's his name show? It was on Comedy Central. What's that guy's name? The older guy.
He's kind of like Jimmy Schubert, but New York. Colin Quinn.
Colin Quinn. Yeah.
So quinn had that show on comedy central one of the greatest shows of all right yeah so dad fan was on it right right when he won last comic standing and it was voss patrice o'neill oh my god and they ripped him apart it's a firing squad yeah they ripped him apart to the point where i felt bad for him right for dad and patrice kept making asian jokes i'm sure right so Bring up that clip if you can find it. When I saw that, I went, that's not going to be me.
Right. I'm going to fight them back, and I'm going to survive, and I'm going to win.
Right? So that's what I have the style that I do is because I just don't want to be a victim. Dude, tough crowd with Colin Quinn with Dat Fan.
Yeah, Datfan. It's brutal, dude, if you see it.
They light him on fire. Well, Patrice was so good at making racial jokes.
I don't even know if I can see it even. It's so sad.
Datfan. D-A-T-P-H-A-N.
Datfan. Oh, boy.
Is that it? Yeah, that's it right there. The first one's got to be it.
Tough crowd, Patrice O'Neal, Datfan, Rich Voss Rich Voss yeah how long is it? 16 but we'll scroll through and they'll edit it let's see some of it folks I think he's just moved by trying to move a war around he's like okay we're just gonna move it over to Iraq now I mean that doesn't do anything I mean it's like in Vietnam it's like what if they go okay the war's getting too crazy here we're gonna move it over to Cambodia yeah that now that worked out well what would what would your mother say about this

Look at his face. Did you just do your hat Korean mama as Osama Bin Laden?

Hat Korean is being the mean.

No, it's not the last comic standings.

Shut up, Dad.

Wait, I'll explain.

You were doing Pol Potts.

Moving the war.

Right?

Pol Potts as your mama from last comic standings.

Can he do the rest of the show hiding behind a tree, please? No, that's racist, in the tunnel. Please.
Now, Dad fan, who was complaining about this? Was it Asians or other people? I have no idea. This is the deal.
The people that paid him. Oh, yeah.
Come on, he needed one. Go's the deal, I spent an hour and a half after we're signing autographs and 90% Asian students were in line.
Don't you think if an accent isn't comedy about height or whatever they're called or accents or differences too? Yeah, I mean, it's the culture that I grew up in. My family has accents.
You know, I mean, if black comics make fun of, you know, their own culture or race, whatever. They don't make fun of our culture, but go ahead.
Okay. Not a niche show.
Oh, if you see, like, Rich Voss, you do some Jewish jokes, right? I do maybe one. I usually talk about my life.
You know, I talk about my Vietnamese mother a lot. But, you know, the thing is, if Asians do it, then all of a sudden it's like, oh, okay, this guy, he's crazy.
You know, like, I mean, we're just, this is what we do. You know what I mean? We're basing it on the air.
I mean, the stereotypes are part of this. Go ahead, fellas.
I'm just saying, I read that article, that complaint about him. The thing that pissed me off today, referred to him in the article as a comic.
And I was really upset. You know, now all I'm saying is that it's 514 and that man got one more minute left on his fame.
So I think that he should go. What do we just have like Vietnamese coaches? That's right in the middle of the...
Patrice was ruthless though. Yeah, but I'm just saying that When I did Open Anthony with Patrice

They couldn't do that with me

Because I just became wilder

When I saw that

I was like I'm never going to be him

Just taking it on the shit

No

Fuck you

You gotta fight back

You gotta fight back dad

It's so sad

But I mean

He knows better

Here we go. fight back fuck you yeah you gotta fight back you gotta fight back dad yeah you know what i mean it's so sad but i mean you he knows better that's the lion's den that show was so hard i just wouldn't do it no you shouldn't do it unless you're like if you don't come in swinging with shit like you got deadpool you gotta have you gotta have deadpool yeah and just be like i'm here and cut them all up and then what happens is when you start making fun them and combating them, they just stop doing it.
Well, or it becomes part of the rhetoric of like that we all are shitting on each other. What you and I do on our show, we make fun of each other.
That's because we love each other. But that disarms all the chaos.
You just shit on each other. But if you're not willing to have the get shit on stuff, then you're in trouble.
Yeah, and I just think that you know instead of focusing on as a message to asian performers i do it is that i don't focus more on that being representing my my ethnicity i focus on being better than all the other people all right right i don't when i i'm at the store people go i've heard people go well you're on the lineup because you're the asian guy no i i believe i'm on the lineup oh you're good no it's not that i'm good it's just that nobody you can't say like if you know rogan goes up or anybody else goes up right that i didn't do as good you know i mean right and i don't want to be up there just because of my color of my skin well you're not i know i know that right i feel that right you're saying that exists and yeah so i'm just saying that like you know um to asian performers or whoever you're saying you know if tiger billy is not considered an asian show i don't give a fuck it is no it's not apparently to them who was that credible source? I mean, it was only the New York Times. What do they know? You know what I mean? How about this? How about this? Do top Asian podcasts.
Top Asian podcasts. What are we doing here? What are you trying to do? I want to try to see if Tiger Belly's on there.
We're not on there. Scroll through all the way.
Keep going down to the right. Up at the top, that bar.
Up there, Pico. All the way to the right.
All the way. Now click on that arrow.
No show with George can be a consideration. Right.
He's married to an Asian woman. He's got a half Asian baby.
Nothing. But how about this? Oh, I've got the fix.
Top Asian comedy podcast. There it is.
Top Asian comedy podcast. Now it'll be there.
No doubt. Same list.
Same list. Keep going.
going there's i'm guarantee you is there any way to do this though it's not there see look at it wow so let me ask you something let me ask you something does tiger belly do better than these yeah yeah for sure all of them right yeah for. Then why aren't we on it? Because this is- We're not Asian.

No, this is being promoted by something.

That's being promoted by a machine.

If we go top comedy podcast, would we be on it?

Maybe.

I don't know.

But that's what I'm saying.

Put it on.

Top comedy podcast.

Well, it depends on who promotes this thing.

Yeah.

Top comedy podcast.

There you go.

Where?

Are we there?

No, we're not on there yet.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

Nope.

Doughboys is on there.

Nope. Nope.
Nope. Nope.
Nope. Nope.
We're not on there. That's it.
Now, do you feel bad? No, because that's a machine. A little bit.
No, that's a machine. I don't know who, I don't know how that gets fucking arranged by what is this? This is made by what? What's the article? Who's by good housekeeping.
This is by fucking good housekeeping. They arranged that.
What does that even fucking mean? Yeah.

Good housekeeping?

Yeah.

What the fuck is that?

No, I don't care.

We, dude, I know how much our fans love and appreciate us,

and I love and appreciate them.

Yeah.

That's what I care about.

I don't care about fucking an article in good housekeeping.

It doesn't mean anything to me.

Yeah.

Aren't you happy about the fans, Rudy?

Now you're getting boyfriends from it.

Let's check in with Diego.

Andre, say it.

Let's check in with Diego.

Come on, please say he looked or texted or said something back.

Thank you. How cool would that be? No response.
Did he respond to you? No. OK, so I want I want her to write no response.
Question mark. Fuck you.
How cool would that be? No response. Fuck you.
No, because he texted her and she didn't respond for six hours. Six hours.
Give him six hours at the sixth hour this evening. Right.
No response. Fuck you.
Poor Diego. We love you, Diego,go wherever you are you beautiful um what was the name of that racist snack conquito all right bob thank you for being a bad friend twenty dollars off your buffy comforter when you visit bad friends that's twenty dollars off your Buffy comforter when you visit...
Bad friends! That's $20 off your Buffy comforter when you visit Buffy.com Bad friends. That's $20 off your Buffy comforter when you visit Bad friends.
That's $20 off your Buffy comforter when you visit Buffy.co and enter the code Buffy. Cocks up it.
Yeah. Woo-hoo.

Yeah.