When the Plane Goes Down

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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. I just got off an airplane.
I just got in from Houston. How was it? Pretty good, dude.
Sold out? Sold out. Four shows in Houston.
Did you meet Raymond yet? Did you meet Raymond? Who's Raymond? He's the general manager, all of them over there. No, I didn't meet a GM.
So when we were driving here, this is what Jules goes. Jules goes.
What does he say? We had a really nice moment because we're driving and she goes, Tootie Papi, I go, what? Can you play American Pie? Can you play? American Pie. Oh, the song American Pie? The song American Pie.
Really? So I'm driving and I'm like, you know what I mean, trying to find it.

Yeah.

We park.

I finally have it on.

Right?

And I go, the music starts playing.

You know, I don't want to sing it because I want to get flagged, but like.

Now you can sing it if it's original.

Go ahead.

Do your version.

Bye, bye, Mr. American Pie.

Yep.

Right?

And I'm kind of like dancing a little bit. And she and she's sitting there i'm like this could be a moment between you guys yeah like a cool summer moment yeah you know and we're we're listening to a fucking song that she requested and her uncle you know and my niece we're just having a moment yeah and she goes let's go inside and there's waiting.
And I go, no, let's have a moment. No, I don't want to.
Right? And I go, we're finishing the song. Right? So we sit there and I'm trying to get the song and she does not want to have a moment with me.
Why don't you want to have a moment with Tito? Because we're late. No, you weren't late.
Well, you were already late. It didn't matter.
So at that point, just enjoy it. Do you not like having moments with him? Is that what it is? Are you scared of having a really nice, sweet moment? No, I'm okay with it.
All right, well, let's have one right now. I want you to look him in the face right now and say, Tito Bobby, I love and respect you.
You mean the world to me. And then we're going to play American Pie.
You can't play it, huh? We can play it. You sing your own version.
Okay, ready for you guys right now? So let's do it again. Turn on the radio.
So say, tell me to play the song Tito Bobby can you play American Pie Excuse me sweetheart Which is what I would not say My lovely sweetheart excuse me Can you play American Pie Oh sweetheart My love I'll play it Play Bye Miss American Pie. Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry.
And good old boys were drinking whiskey and ice. She has a migraine.
Don't do that with your face. Let's have the moment.
This will be the day that I die. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.
Okay, good. Yeah, fuck it.
It's not working. Why don't you want to participate and have a moment with him? You know, he's getting older and he thinks about this stuff.
My parents do this too. They're getting older and they want to soak up these moments because they're fleeting.
You only got, seriously, think about this. You have 30 summers left.
That's it. Maybe even less, probably 20 summers.
Isn't that crazy to think about? It's crazy. 20 summers left.
And when I look in the mirror now yeah i go i literally think oh you're dying you're dying like i could see my my the bags on my eyes and the wrinkles and the and the liver spots forming right yep and i could just see when i get up i go oh i have to make a noise ah my knees you know my back right so it's like i'm dying she's dying and you you don't want to have a fucking moment with me why not rude i don't know i'm tired she's tired she's tired you're tired a lot yeah she's you know she's tired i get you why she's tired because she um what she died a busy day today she she saw a black widow oh and that's it Oh, my God. That's it? That's so tiring.
That was your day? Yeah. Oh, cool.
I flew from Houston, okay? Then I got home, had to make dinner, clean up the house, and do my laundry, and then I got here on time. So shut up.
Yeah. Black Widow.
Black Widow. How did you like it, though? It was good, wasn't it? I heard it was good.
What was it? It was the biggest box office. Top to the bottom It was the biggest box office Top to the bottom You know what I also saw last night Which I didn't want to like I finished Manifest by the way Did you see the whole season? I did not I just couldn't get through How many episodes did you get in? Five at me.
Let him go. No.
Yeah. I can't break it.
You know what I mean? I had, there was a moment where I was like, is he, is this a bit? No. Make me watch this as a bit.
I'm on the plane watching manifest. It's good in a bad way.
It's like what lost was, but lost, lost was pretty, lost was kind of good. Lost had good.
You know, you know, it's weird when you're watching a plane crash on the airplane? Because people look over at you watching people on a plane crash. Oh, that's so funny.
Or like a plane moment. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like when the turbulence and the lights go out and the guy looked next to me and I looked at him and I was like – You know, I always thought – because we fly a lot. And I always think to myself – This is the one.
This is the one. And then like I've had turbulence where it was really bad.
Me too. I'm always thinking if we were really soaring down and they lost complete control, like the engine is out and the lights are going off and people are screaming, what I would do? What would I do? What would you do? I don't think I would scream.
I've asked this before. I say, if you could yell out two words, what would your two words be? Suck on.
Suck on? Yeah, yeah. Suck on.
Suck on. Because I'd probably see a hot chick.
Right. Suck on.
And we're going down. And I think the cheating at that point, I'm dying.
Right. And you think she's going to undo her seatbelt and be like, okay.
Maybe. I don't know, but I think I would probably eye out.
I always eye out the hottest chicken thing, right? So if she's like five rows behind me, right? I'd probably turn and go, suck on! And she goes, okay! Right? We'd be like, it'd be difficult. It'ddun.
And then I would pull it down, right? And we're, like, trying to – Sock on. Sock on.
We're trying to balance, right? You have to – I mean, I'm not trying to be aggressive, but I would have to grab her head. I mean, I guess because the plane is moving it.
It's shifting all over the place. Just to hold myself, you know what I mean? Right.
Right. And then as she's doing it, the plane would level out, right? And I'd just be like – Sorry about that, folks.
That was just a little bit of turbulence there. But then would you...
I hope nobody has their dick out and they yelled, suck on in the middle of that crash. But would you tell your girlfriend? Yeah, you'd have to.
I don't think so. Because you almost died so that it passed? Because I didn't come.
Oh, right. Okay, then yeah.
I didn't come. I think if I came...
That's the rules. That's the rule, right? That's the rules.
Yeah, yeah. If you're in a dying situation.
But then other people, probably two or three people on the plane maybe recognize me. Do you think? Yes, for sure.
A couple of people. I think a few.
Yeah. So I think they would say something.
Right. That's kind of like those people that are, you know, there might be people trapped in that building in Florida.
You know, they had to go look. It's a nightmare.
But can you imagine? This is sad and weird and gross. Nightmare.
But imagine you're trapped for like two days. Nightmare.
And you know you're going to die. And you don't know if they're going to save you.
Do you ever just, you think somebody just rubs one out? This is the last go? Don't you want one last nut? You're like, look, I'm trapped underneath rocks. And I'm just like, I've been yelling help for two days.
Even if my hands were pinned, right? You would just rub it against the rocks. I'd find like a fucking pipe sticking out.
And I would try to get my dick in the pipe. And I would just do like 15 plumps.
I would definitely. And they would find my body with my dick out.
With your dick in a pipe. In a pipe.
But with a smile on the face. Yeah.
I think you'd want one more nut. Yeah.
Like I thought about that when Franco was in that 127 hours or whatever. I would have fucked a crack.
but with a smile on my face. I think you'd want one more nut.
Yeah.

I thought about that when Franco was in that 127 hours or whatever.

I would have fucked a crack.

You would have fucked a crack.

You would have fucked a crack?

Yeah, you would have fucked a crack.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's interesting to me.

If you're trapped and you know you're going to die, because the chances of getting out are almost non-existent.

Yeah.

Maybe you want one more.

Let's say you're pinned underneath the thing.

Yeah, pinned. And you have your left hand, right? Yeah.
Maybe you want one more. Let's say you're pinned underneath the thing.
Yeah.

Right?

Yeah, pinned.

And you have your left hand, right?

Yeah.

And there's a girl next to you.

That's all I'm going to end.

I'm going to end there.

No, that's not what I was going to say.

Oh, what were you going to say?

Are you okay?

Yeah, are you going to tap her

to see if she was fine?

Yeah.

Pat tap her,

are you okay?

Are you alive?

And she'd be dead.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

What are your last two words

on a plane, Jules?

It's going down.

Bamp, bamp, bamp.

Going down and it's,

oh no, everyone's freaking out. And then, Jules, you get to yell out.
When I yell, I usually say mama. Mama! Just kill the man! You yell mama, some guy in the back goes, ooh.
Mama. Ooh.
That would be hilarious. The pilot's like, didn't mean to make you cry.
And everyone sings Bohemian Rhapsody. That would be so cool.
That would be cool. What a cool way to go out.
That's a cool way to go out. As it's crashing.
That's cool. You would start a song.
You would start a song. That's amazing.
I love that. What song else could you start? On a plane like that? Well, you know, it's got to be a song that everyone knows.
You know, like the song they play at the stupid Red Sox games is Sweet Caroline. Yeah.
Ba, ba, ba. You know.
Yeah. Sweet Caroline.
But you'd be embarrassing if you're flying, you think, I'm going to start a song.

We're dying.

And you try.

And you go, sweet.

And no one says anything.

And you're just kind of like, oh, that's a bummer.

You go, sweet Caroline.

And everyone's like.

It's so dark.

Dude, you know what?

But every time I fly into Burbank, it's so sketchy.

The runways are this big.

And they have to barrel down.

And this time we landed on the left wheel

and then the right wheel went down

and everyone went like this.

Yeah.

Like you feel it, dude.

Let me ask you this.

When you're sitting,

you know how when you sit down

in the emergency exit row

and I'm not doing a hacky joke,

but I'm like a stewardess comes up to you

and he says,

in the case of emergency,

are you going to be able to help?

Yeah.

And you always go,

yes, of course. But you know deep down inside you're not never going to help because i don't know how it works no first of all i'm opening the door i don't know how any of the levers work or anything like that i'm pulling it up and i'm running out by myself but is that all you do is pull it up yep i'm leaving everybody behind me i feel like there's three or four things you have to do with that door yeah yeah i think yeah there's no way no it's that big lever cracks open and the door the door swings sideways and pushes out and it's off yeah i would just run what it will if i was in this emergency exit road i would be passed out and i'd just be a blockage i think sir yeah they'd have to hop over my body be a whole like a you know i mean extra thing that's an extra thing to have to deal with on the way out yeah but you don't sit by the exit road anymore you're a rich guy you sit in first class baby i don't but that only started in the last couple of years because before it's like i don't want i want to say what my manager's like cheap yeah they book the flights for you my manager books the flights oh still to the day it's just it's a free hour flight so just do middle seat Southwest.
And I'd be always like, all right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The worst was when.

You never chose your own flights and shit?

Dude, that's like my nightmare.

Here's where it ended.

So I, this is a true story.

So I did the Oddball Comedy Festival. San Francisco.

No.

Wasn't in San Francisco?

I did the Texas run.

Oh.

So it was me, Sebastian Maloskalko, Ali Wong tom segura a bunch of people right gang cook wow and um big names we're all supposed to book our own flights so i have the manager who i have so we all are flying out in burbank to texas but we're all at the airport yeah all. All the managers got their clients first class.
Except for you. Wow.
So they get in first, and now I'm sitting there. I'm also zone three or four.
You're the back of the plane. Yeah, I'm the back of the plane, right? You're not even getting in.
And I'm just literally thinking, should I fire my manager? Right? And then as I walk through fucking first class, these guys start throwing fucking shit at my face. That's funny it's so funny segura and those guys oh yeah they start pillows and they're like boo you know what i mean get back you're like yelling get back back to the boss you little immigrant you know what i mean and like just acting a fool and so i'm back there and each one of them through the flight would go back there and throw me like peanuts or

stuff that they got in the first class.

That's so mean.

It's so mean, but it was so funny.

But that's big props because you would you Bobby Lee would do that.

Absolutely.

To somebody else.

No, if we were on the same flight and I went past you, you would totally fuck with me.

Yes, you would.

So fun.

Yes, you would.

It'd be so fun.

But you'd fuck with.

So then after that, I got back in town.

I said to Abby, I go, I just i think we can do sometimes first class yeah especially in that situation it's like if you're flying as much as as much as we fly yeah i get that by the way when we go to cancun yeah when we do bad friends cancun what does she get first class that's a big thing they're paying for it i know but they they asking us what flights we want and where we want to sit so do we put her in the first have you flown first class I think when you never have no we went to Seattle and it was first class I put you chick. I know.
She just wants to have moments with me. It's crazy.
And you don't want to have a moment in the car where he wants to sing one song. No.
You know what? That right there, you're not getting in first class on the way to Cancun. And Cancun is not a close flight, by the way.
Yeah. That's a nice little trip.
And in fact, when we land in the airport, you're going to find your own way right home. That's right.
To the hotel I mean. Yeah, so start learning Spanish right now.
Yeah, yeah. How do you say take me to the resort in Spanish? You know how? Well, you better learn it, kiddo, because you're going to be on your own.
And since that Tuesday she performed, she got a little... Oh, she's getting cocky.
I knew it, dude. I could feel that she was getting a little bit...
Because she walked in here and she kind of sloughed her way in and she goes, same studio, huh? Yeah. That's what she said.
Like it's old news news to her. And like one of the dogs is her dogs.
Yeah, one of the dogs is her dog. She's like the primary.
Yeah. And this fucking dog's shitting all over the house.
And she doesn't care. And now, she used to, but now I have to clean it.
Really? She's like, Tito Bobby. With her finger, Tito Bobby.
Oh, she waggles it at you? Tito Bobby. You got a lot of nerve, kid.
Yeah, yeah. you got a lot of nerve you got a lot of nerve

and then you know what she also did

which literally was

the most horrifying thing

I've ever seen in my life

in terms of like

my body reacting to it

I got goosebumps

I'm not kidding you

from the top of my head to my toes

I cringed

and I almost kind of yelped

so I'm in the backyard

I'm goosebumps. I'm not kidding you.
From the top of my head to my toes, I cringed, and I almost kind of yelped. So I'm in the backyard smoking.
You know what I'm talking about. And so I put the cigarette out, and there's a gigantic – not gigantic, but a mid-sized metallic trash bin with a lid on it.
So I put out the cigarette, and I always put the butts in there. So I lifted it up and there was probably,

oh my God,

there was probably

200,000 maggots.

Ew.

I know.

Crawling up this thing.

What did you leave in there?

I don't,

and then dog vomit.

Oh my God. Dog vomit.
Who threw dog vomit in? You did. Yeah.
Yeah. And the maggots were all over that? Oh, dude, you got to hose that out, kid.
We already sprayed it with insecticide spray, so. Okay, that probably does work.
I guess. Are you going to water? I hose it out.
Whenever the dog pukes, I just hose out the grass. But when you have maggots, what do you do? I've never had that situation ever.
But when the dog throws up in the yard, I just break out the hose and hose it out. Not her.
She clumps it together, leaves it open, and puts it in the hot summer sun. I put it in a plastic! If you find maggots in food or trash You can boil them and the eggs together

To kill them Boil them? Who's taking the maggots inside? Another option is to thoroughly sprinkle them with salt Or spray them with insecticide You did it Boil You can boil them and the eggs Well that's for the Filipinos Do you guys eat maggots? No I don don't know. Funky overseas stuff.
Oh, dude, look at this. I got this sent to me.
This is real. Cheetos that taste like steak.
From where? This is all Japanese stuff. Open it up.
I'll see if it tastes like steak. Yeah, try one.
Have you eaten one of these yet? No, this just came in to me today. This is from a guy who sent them to me.
Steak Cheetos. This is a guy named Sunny Hill Exotics, and he sent me all this stuff.
Look at this. Yeah, yeah.
Oreo Thins Vanilla Mousse. That sounds good, right? You've had these pink Kit Kats from Japan, right? These are the best.
Does it taste like steak? Let me see. We got to give some.
People don't wanna hear you chew for three minutes. Hold on.
Well, give me the bag. Let me taste it! Can I have the bag so Jules can have some and I can? Can I be honest with you? Yeah.
Here's my commentary. Give it.
It tastes like Doritos if they just put some salt on it. It doesn't have a steak taste at all? Not to me, no.
Not even a little bit? No. I mean, I had steak for dinner.
Maybe that's what it is. Be honest.
Steak? No, but they're good. They're very good.
It's not steak. Yeah, it's not steak, but it's good.
What is it, though? It kind of tastes like... Let's try another one.
This one is... Let's see.
This one is... What is that? Who can read that? What's the symbol? What's the symbol? You can't really tell.
I can't. I'll be able to.
You're Asian. You should be able to know what it is.
That symbol is. Do you like it? That symbol is pork.
No? It looks like pork. That's what I thought it was.
I think it's pork. You do? Yeah, yeah.
Try that one. Open that one.
And this one is, this one is, see it says made with real beef these are made with beef is that one good oh my god it's terrible it's bad but kinda good honestly these will fuck you up because you don't know what it is because I don't know what that symbol is what that symbol is. Right, that could be...
It's freaking me out. It could be dog testicles that you're eating right now.
Let's see. This is pork.
No. That was good.
I like it. You do? No.
I hate it. It's gross, but it's good.
No, it's not good. Let the flavor hit.
Yeah, no, it's the basket. Yeah, yeah, I don't like it.
Maybe that went bad. It went bad.
Give me, um... This is Jolly Rancher Misfits.
And look at this. These Oreo wafer roll sticks.
What do you want? You want this one? This is real beef. This says it's made with real beef.
It's not made with real beef, dude. Give me the fucking, um...
Made with real beef. Just because it says it doesn't mean it's true.
Of course it does. Everything is true if it's printed.
Everything is true if it's printed. No, but you could it could be soaked in like some sort of

you know,

pork broth.

No, it says

made with real beef.

Cranberry ginger ale.

Okay.

Give me the sweet stuff.

Which one?

These?

Jolly Ranchers?

Misfits.

Gummies.

Yeah, this guy

sent me this stuff.

When we were in Japan,

did you like these?

It's okay.

Did you like the first one?

I like the second one.

You like this one better? You can keep here, no i have a kit kat yeah you want a kit kat these are fucking dude these are fucking amazing bob i'll eat one later my dad works in b2b marketing he came by my school for career day and said he was a big ro-ass man Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friend's still laughing me to this day.
Not everyone gets B2B. But with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do.
Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign. Go to linkedin.com slash results to claim your credit.
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LinkedIn, the place to be to be. La lavanda ha vuelto a Starbucks.
Pon un toque de primavera en tu taza con el Ice Lavender Matcha. Que lo disfrutes.
Tus Ice Lavender Lattes están listos en Starbucks. Kavitz, but that condo collapsed.
Look. Let me talk about it real quick.
Let me get this out of my mouth. All right.
I wasn't making a joke about the condo collapse. That's sad.
Okay? That's very sad. It's nightmarish.
It's sad. But also, I have thought about, because sometimes when I go skiing, and I go off by myself, if I do a couple of runs solo, I genuinely get scared that I'm like, what if I got an avalanche and then what am I going to do? Yeah.
What do you do? They can't find you for days and days. You're just sitting there.
What do you do? But the condo thing is – I just want to ask you this. I don't think that – isn't there any way to get that shit – you know they did a search and rescue for what over a week yeah right and if i was literally if if my brother or you or anybody was in that rubble i'd just be like get the cranes in there let's go yeah but i think it's not as easy as that because if you move one piece another piece falls it's like jenga you're playing You're playing like Jenga.
Get the best Jenga fucking players in the world.

Who's the best Jenga player in the world?

Look that up.

Yeah, yeah.

Get him out there.

Get the best Jenga kid out there.

It's kind of like how the Japanese kids with the Rubik's Cube.

You know, these guys can do it in like May 13th at his home in Pima County, Arizona.

Ty Star Valentini officially bested his own world record for most Jenga blocks.

Get Ty.

So get Ty. So we call up Ty Star Valentini.
Condo collapseo collapse call Thai that's what I'd say as a please Thai shows up right and he goes alright remove that piece first and he labels them he goes A6 B7 right right and then they can go are you sure it's like the probability is 98% that that's supporting he's like a beautiful mind he mind. He's doing the math.
There's got to be people out there like that. This guy, Ty Star Valentiani.
This brings me up to the most embarrassing that happened to me two days ago. I wasn't even going to bring it up.
I'm going to bring it up. Yes.
Okay. It's that I don't know if you guys know, but I'm obsessed with magic.
Yeah. All right.
I love magic. And I love my favorite magician nowadays is a kid by the name of Shin Lim.
Shin Lim. Yeah.
He's the best. Where is he from? He won not just America's Got Talent, but he also won the.
Oh, I know this guy. Right.
Yeah. So I'm with Howie Mindell two days ago.
Yeah. And I'm like, you know, if I have a wedding, I want if, you know, my dream would have Shin Lim Help me with the proposal Do like a magic proposal Magic proposal And Kami goes Oh he's a good friend of mine Oh that's cool And you guys are like he's Asian He definitely knows who you are You guys are like Asian So he'll definitely know who you are And in my head I just head, I just assumed he would know me.
I don't know why. Because it's Asian, yeah.
Right? You would think, right, if another redheaded guy... That he knows me.
He knows me. No doubt.
No doubt. If he's a comedian, he knows me.
Exactly. Yeah.
We're both performers. Entertainment, yeah.
He knows me. He knows you.
And so, Howie hands me the phone first. Oh, your face hand? Because he doesn't have Howie's number.
They got his number from somebody else. Oh.
So it's like, it's not as if when he called it says howie it says howie mandel right right he faced he picks up the facetime and i'm like hey and he's like no who are you he had no idea and i go oh i'm a comedian he's like no don't know is he flipping cards the whole time

no he's doing his own

Vegas show

in the Mirage

right he's a residency

he's a residency

he's like a big star

he's huge

so then Howie takes the phone

meet me Howie

but I'm now blushing

yeah you feel like shit

I feel like shit

right you look like me

you're bright orange

yeah yeah

now I don't even want to

now you don't want to go see him

no

let's go see him in Vegas

he said he'd give you back

say pass

of course he would

now that that embarrassing moment happened

now he has to make want to now you don't want to go see him no let's go see him in Vegas he said he'd give you backstage of course he would now that that embarrassing moment happened now he has to make up for I know but have you seen this guy perform? I saw him on AGT I saw that this guy is so good yeah his stuff I mean it's listen you can see like because I know Penn Jillette and it's like you go to YouTube and you see like you you know, magic revealing videos. Yeah, like they crack the code.
They crack the code. But a lot of the shit that he does, they can't even they don't know how he does it.
Well, that was like Penn and Teller had a show called Fool Us or something like that. No, that's and Shin did that.
Oh, he did that show. He did that show and he filled them twice.
Two times. Yeah.
And then Penn just called me a week and goes, he wants me on the show. He wants a guest judge or something on the fool us or what what is the show called is it called it's called fool yeah but um so let's link up with shin let's get shin let's get shin let's go to vegas and go watch the show and then we should be like i've been figure out how i've been itching to go to vegas me too i want to go it's open you know what she said too huh her dream is to go to Vegas and go to.
I want to go. It's open.
You know what she said too? Huh?

Her dream is to go to Vegas and go to clubs.

It's not a dream.

I just want to do it.

It's a reality.

Let's go.

We can do it.

Next year.

Yeah, next one.

What month are you again?

November, right?

What if Shin Lim is the door guy in Vegas

and we walk up,

he's like,

I don't know.

Yeah.

That'd be embarrassing. Door guys know who we are They're listening Even today If I go on the road Even before the pandemic And I'll be at a restaurant or something After a show like a late night And some guy will go Hey there's a club man You want to go Because I'm going to meet a bunch of people there i strictly i don't want to go because i might i the biggest my biggest fear in the world is not being recognized no not being able to get in but they'll set it up so you get in and that happens like we went to that uh that remember that ramen place right called ginya yeah i love ginya right one other, right? Last week we tried to go and they're like, no.

You thought they were going to notice you and be like, oh, we have a safe.

Yeah, but they're like, no.

Yeah, but with Vegas you just pay for it in advance so it's all taken care of.

And that no, it rings in my head.

I know.

Okay.

All night long.

Well, here's what I say.

I just hear, no, no, no, no.

Let's get the room at the Palm where it has the pool That goes out over the Let's do it Let's take a private jet And you know who will pay for it? What? George Their company Their company But you know what I love to do They produce the show We can get Shin Lim We can get Shin Lim tickets We can see Penn and Teller because they're my friends now. VIP.
Right? VIP of Penn and Teller.

Carrot Top.

You know Carrot?

You must.

We all know each other.

Okay, good.

So you and Carrot, right?

Can you call him Carrot?

I can.

I can.

You can't.

I have to call him Carrot Top.

You say CT or Carrot Top.

Right, right, right. I can call him Carrot.

Right.

So do you really play Carrot?

Because whenever I see him, I've seen him five times in my life, I always say Carrot Top.

You have to. And it's weird to say the whole thing.
What's up, Top? Have to You can't say Carrot What's his first name? Spionk I have no idea I've never known his real name Because I love it when you see a famous person That has a different name But they're like call me by Scott Yeah call me by my real name It is weird when he's like hey I'm Scott And you're like You're a carrot top You're not Scott You know what I mean No you're not Your name is not Scott Yeah That is funny that I assume You assume that That other person Their real name It doesn't exist anymore Yeah it's like That guy that did our show Chad Yeah Chad That's not his real name I know it's not It's Tom Yeah Chad and JT And he goes When I first met him a couple weeks ago, he was like, just call me Tom. I go, no, it's Chad now for life.
It has to be. It has to be.
I'm not calling Edge anything else. No.
It's the Edge. It's the Edge.
Sting is Sting for life. Bono is Bono for life.
What is Sting's real name? I don't even know. No one cares.
That's insane. Isn't that funny? Yeah.
At some point, what's Sting's real name? Yeah. take a guess, hold on what's Sting's real name?

Leonard, that's such a good guess

Adam

I'm going to say it's Robert

British

British

this is a fun game because I don't know these names

Gordon Matthew Thomas Sumner

yeah it's Gordon

what's CBE?

that's when you get

you know, is that when you get knighted by the queen no he has like a probably like a cbd company that marijuana what is cbe is that that's when you get knighted right you put cb you're allowed to put cbe at the end of your or something what's prince's real name do you know prince's real name was um Marcus or something like that? Marcus? What was it? I don't know., do you know? Prince's real name was Marcus or something like that.

Marcus?

What was it?

I don't know.

What do you think?

I want to go for...

Dude, this is really good.

Marlon.

Okay, Marcus Marlon.

What's Prince's real name?

Michael.

Michael.

Michael.

Marlon.

What's Prince's real name?

His real name is Prince.

Prince Rogers Nelson.

You know how dope that is? His real name is Prince. That's is prince that's pretty dude cool that's why that guy was so cool his parents birthed him into being cool and he was so androgynously cool like he wasn't gay he wasn't straight he wasn't he wasn't a guy he wasn't a girl bro he wasn't black he wasn't white i went to some nbc state i was maybe the out front or something like that

where it was like at a bar he wasn't he and the bar was attached to another bar so the only way

to get to this other bar is through the shitty bar that i was in so annoying right yeah so he

walked through with his entourage and i'm like sitting there with i mean there's a bunch of

celebrities in the room right like big tv stars and whatnot right as soon as he walked in

Thank you. And I'm like sitting there with There's a bunch of celebrities in the room Right Like big TV stars and what not As soon as he walked in The music stopped You could hear no sound In the bar And people just went Like somebody had died And he's just kind of walking through And everyone's just kind of looking on the ground How smooth did he walk? Oh my god He didn't have the legs He was floating He was like shifting through the room He was going That's how he breathed That's how he breathed, right? And he just kind of floated It felt like 10 minutes Yeah, I think he was in slow motion I remember just going going, like, I was crying.
You started crying. Oh my God.

I was like,

my lips were trembling.

It's Prince, dude.

I was crying.

My lips were trembling.

And he woke up floating by.

And as soon as he left,

people just started talking.

Then the music took back on.

Yeah, everyone came back on.

I feel like that's what happens.

But he held,

guys like him

can stop anything.

Everything.

Everything. Everything.

I don't think you can have...

No one has that kind of power anymore.

Like the Beatles back in the day.

Well, that's different.

We could stop...

The world.

The world.

They could tell everyone to kill themselves.

They could be like,

we're all going to commit suicide on the 14th.

Everybody would.

It could be the first day of some sort of marine training

and people are climbing the thing. As soon as the Beatles showed up, they just would freeze on the fucking thing.
On the cargo nets? On the cargo thing. And they would walk by, and then they would keep going afterwards.
I mean, they just have that kind of like- Oh, essence. Power.
You know, sometimes you do meet celebrities, and they have that. When I first was a PA, I met Bradley Cooper before he was Bradley Cooper.
Yeah. And he was kind of still on the come the come up yeah and I was a PA and I had to walk him to one of the executives offices and we get to the office and he was really really handsome and I walked him there and like he was really nice he asked me my name and everything and I said okay you're good in here and then nobody was in there his this guy's assistant was gone and he goes you want me just wait in this empty room I was like uh I mean you don't have to you can go back we can go back to the front and he's like you have a kitchen and we go to the kitchen and i'm not kidding he's like i just want to make something to eat real fast and he opens the fridge and he takes out deli meat like a piece of deli meat he wraps it in a piece of cheese and he's just eating it talking to me but even him eating it was really sexy i was just like watching him eat a hand sandwich yeah brent morin says the same thing about him sexy dude brent morin was working at conan remember yeah and he ran into bradley cooper and i guess brent morin they were talking face to face and he had the urge of just going well just want to kiss him on the mouth.
Yeah, he was really hot.

Okay, so.

He was hot, dude.

This is when I was shy.

And I didn't know what to say.

But if I had this opportunity.

So it's not as big as.

Oh, my God.

Blow that image up.

It's not as big as Bradley Cooper.

So when I was on MADtv, we had a young actor.

Yeah.

Ryan Reynolds.

Oh, yeah.

Right?

So Ryan Reynolds is sitting there with Dick Blasucci.

Right?

Who's that? The executive producer? The executive producer of Mby sit here meet ryan i don't know who he was really much right but i just sat next to him right and i was just like you don't know what to say like now what are you gonna say now no different with who i am now yeah that i would be having that guy's number in my phone in five minutes well making jokes. Yeah, yeah.
I would be able to get him into my world in five minutes. But back then...
Yeah, it's so awkward. What's going on? Like, I don't know what to say.
Think about it like this. You know when someone comes up to you and they say hello to you? Yeah.
Right? And they don't know what to say because they're a fan. Yeah.
It's the same feeling. Yeah.
You know who came up the airport who a pilot a pilot is walking you know how they walk with like two flight attendants two pilots are walking the flight attendant with two flight attendants and he literally we cross each other and he goes santino and i turn like i know him i go hey yeah and he goes hey and i was like i don't fucking know this i've no but he didn't know what to say he just wanted to say hi yeah yeah what are you going where are you going where are you going yeah i love it where the fuck yeah yeah on a plane you make them feel comfortable right i try but it sometimes the energy is weird when people say hi and i don't know what to say yeah like especially if they go like this dude in the bar at the bar this big big jack black dude in the bar he goes hey are you that dude from dave and i was like yeah and he goes yeah i thought so i know what do i say you never you don't know what to say i just go yeah you don't know what to say it's me yeah don't hurt me i guess i hope you like it yeah because what if somebody goes hey bobby lee right you're bobby lee black people do that to me you know they go yeah my dog my dog give me a pound right and i'll go oh thank you like i because i want to go opposite right i don they go? Yeah. My dog.
My dog. And they'll give me a pound.
Right. And I'll go, oh, thank you.

Like, because I want to go opposite.

Right.

I don't go, yeah.

No.

That would be weird.

Yeah.

I just play to my fucking strengths.

And go, hey, what's up, buddy?

Right.

And they go, my dog.

My dog. And I do a little pound.

That's all I do.

You want to really put them

in an awkward position?

What?

And they go, my dog.

Just bow and see what they do.

Oh, that's where I like that.

My dog. What's up? Don't say my buddy? No.
All right. All right, go ahead.
My dog. awkward position they go well my dog just bow and see what they do oh that's right like that my dog

what's up don't don't say my buddy no all right all right my dog that no perfect no why they would love it they go this motherfucker's hilarious oh yeah they call you stupid when black dudes call you stupid that means they love you yeah when they go he's stupid they love you yeah it's, it's, you know, I love... Black people? Yeah, well, I mean, especially comics, because I just have an angle with all of them.
And it's... What do you mean? It's hard to explain.
I'm going to try to explain it. You're going to say like a minority angle? No.
What? It's different. It's touching me for a little too long angle.
What do you mean? Like they know, like if like I see Ian Edwards or anybody or I saw Finesse Mitchell the other day. Right.
Right. And they're happy.
What's up, man? And I hug. Right.
And I hug enough until they pull away. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right. But you can tell like I'm bringing me in and they have to physically force their wear out.
Black guys have a time limit on how long you can hug. Time limit, that's what it is.
A white guy, you can hug and kiss me on the face and we'll laugh about it. I know, I know, I know.
You can't do that to the black guy. And I love it.
Yeah, they gotta push you away. Because they go, ah, you're weird, man.
None of that gay shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I do that like Donnell, oh my God. I'll take my fingers.
Like if he's sitting there in Mitzi's booth in the OR. Yeah.
And he doesn't know I'm coming. And he thinks I'm a girl.
And I'll just lightly in the back of his head do this, right? And he'll be like, he thinks it's Whitney or something, right? And he'll be like, goddamn motherfucker. He'll like really get angry, right? Because he loved it at first.
He thinks that like God is watching. And when he gets to the afterlife, he's going to be like, you had seven gay moments.
Let's play them back. Like they saved all these times when something weird.
But it's so funny. Whenever I have ever had gay moments, you have to laugh them off.
Like when Justin Marndale used to take us out to gay nightclubs, and my penis would get grabbed, the amount of times I was sexually assaulted in a gay nightclub, every time I've gone out. Every time.
Just like grab my, like, and they pull on it. Like it's a yank chain from a toilet in England.
They're like, they grab it, you're a fucking dick. And you just have to go, there's nothing you can do.
I was at the Abbey. Yeah.
With my friend Mike, who's gay. I've been there.
Right? We're at a table. And he knows eight of these dudes.

And he's there.

Yeah, they all know each other.

They all know each other, right?

And they're having drinks.

I'm having diet codes I don't drink, right?

And my knee, right, brushed up against another guy's knee.

That's across me.

I don't know, right?

That's a go.

But you know that I have, what do you call it?

Clubbed feet?

OCD.

What?

I have to touch things three times.

Oh, yeah, OCD. Yeah, so in my head I'm like, I got to now brush my knee.
Shut up. That's what I got.
Two more times against his leg. Right? So I go, one, two.
He thinks now. That's a signal.
Yeah, that I'm like, we're going to go fuck in the bathroom. Yeah, it's tapping under the stall.
So then he kind of like puts his hand on my knee like this no yeah but what do you do you have to let it be no i pulled away and he goes he goes excuse me and i go excuse me and he goes he goes and i go oh i'm not gay and he goes i thought you were oh no i'm not sorry yeah i'm sorry but it's like but you did end up i did i blew him in the bathroom you have to yeah i don't have a choice yeah yeah I did the knee thing once you did the knee thing the knee thing fucked me wait I want to tell you something real fast before I went there was a long line in the bathroom at the airport this image was singed in my brain it was so hard to not start laughing there's a long line and everyone's doing this thing when there's a line in the men's bathroom they're like did you check that stall because people? Because people have to pee so bad. They're like, because the stall doors are all closed.
So I'm not kidding. I'm not fucking kidding.
I'm second to go. And the guy in front of me is like really antsy.
And he goes and he's checking all the stall doors. Well, they're all red.
They get green to red. They're all red.
They're all red. Well, one of the locks wasn't locked all the way.
Dude, I'm not kidding. He opens it wide up, and the dude on the pooper goes down to grab his penis,

and he just goes like this.

I'm in here.

I swear to God.

I'm in here.

And the guy goes, oh, and he closes the door.

What else could he say?

He didn't have to say anything.

We see.

We see.

I know, but what do you say?

I open the door.

You're pooping.

There's like 17 dudes staring at you now. What do you say? I honestly, okay, so I'm pooping.
You're pooping. I swing open the door.
That's it? Yeah. What if I then go, oh, and then I walk in and just start peeing right between your legs? You gave me the nod.
No, that'd be weird. I pee right between you.
That would never happen. I'm going to piss on your chest.
I'm going to cascade right down you. Okay, that would never happen.
But if it did happen,

then after that,

every time that happened,

I would say,

hey, I'm in here.

Hey, I'm in here.

But at this point in my life,

it's never happened.

It's never happened before.

What would you say

if a girl opened the door

and you were in there?

If a woman opened the door

and you're in the stall,

what do you say?

I wouldn't say anything.

You just stare right at him?

I just shut the door back.

No, you can't.

It's too far away from you.

It's not that close. He was in an airport.
It's pushed back. I just stare.
Stare at him? I just shut the door back. No, you can't.
It's too far away from you. It's not that close.
He was in an airport to push back. I just stare.
Stare at him. Okay.
Okay, how about this? How weird. I was in Germany maybe 20 years ago.
I was doing a commercial there. Which one? It's an IBM commercial that they flew me all over the place.
Yeah, the one with... With the space one.
Yeah, right. Joe Pitka.

Yeah.

So I was in Germany at a steam room

and I was the only one in there.

So there was like two levels

and at the Korean spot where I'm at,

where I go right now,

I always go to the last level

because there's no one ever in there

and I'll just stand there.

You stand on top of the top level?

On the third level in the steam room and just stand there like this why do you do that why would you stand like it's super hot yeah and you want all the steam to be in every orvis of my body yeah so stand there like this right and then three in germany i did this three hot chicks walk completely naked it It's mixed. No.
It's mixed. So I was like, hug.
That's the smallest dick in the steam room. Were they cool with it? No, they were just like, what the fuck is this little Asian guy? Was ist das? Yeah, yeah.
It must have been, like they thought it was a gargoyle, a part of the... Ambience? Yeah, yeah.
Jose included a gargoyle inside the steam room. I don't know if that's true now, but back in the day, 20 years ago, it was mixed.
Like you would have old ladies and everyone would be naked. It wasn't a problem.
I think that's kind of harmonious. I think it's better.
Have you ever been to a nude beach? Oh, yeah. Once you go to a nude beach one, once you kind of understand who goes to nude beaches.
It's never. It's never good looking people.
Yeah, it's never the ones you want. But it is always old dudes with long penises.
Long. They're always long.
They may not be thick, but they're long penises. Yeah, and gray.
Long and gray. Yeah.
Gray penises. Long and gray.
Because I got to put zinc on it so it doesn't get sunburned. It's like that Beatles song.
The long and winding road. I'm serious, though.
You have to put sunscreen on your penis. Yeah.
Would you ever go to a nude beach? No. Why not? You feel self-conscious? You don't have to get naked at the beach.
You know that, right? Yeah. You can wear a shirt.
I went and you don't have to be naked. Oh, then I can go.
So you want to see people naked at the beach? She's getting curious. Like when I go to nude beach, I'm wearing armor.
Yeah. Battalion outfit.
I'm wearing a sweater. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm wearing a jumpsuit when I go to a nude beach. I don't ever like to – I also – the idea of your wiener in the sun is weird to me.
Why do you want – your penis isn't supposed to have sun all over it. Well, it makes you – but who told me this? Somebody told me that they tan their nuts.
They tan their nuts? Yeah, every day they'll spend an hour in the sun, but they put their nuts in the sun and it makes it more virile no way yeah look that up type in testicles in the sun type in testicles in the sun let me go on like a testy in the sun testicles in the sun testicle sunning boosting testosterone sunbathing your balls that's what i'm telling you somebody told me that boosting your testosterone by sunbathing your balls yeah yeah that's right testicle sunning or sun in your balls not to be confused with the viral trend of butthole sunning which is what i was talking about yeah i'm talking about nuts the practice of exposing your testicles to direct sunlight you're gonna be doing it tomorrow i'm doing it tomorrow morning i'm gonna send you video can i come with you 100 come back i'm gonna sit up by the pool and do it our nuts but how would you do it though what do you mean like how do i hide my wiener but tan my nuts yeah because i don't want to see your dick i put i i have my pants my shorts still on i just unzip my zipper and pull my nuts through my zip hole go through the fence ah i see what you're saying the fence and put my nuts out i'll do that too let's do that well you want to tan our? Nuts out, I'm so into it Sunscreen You don't need it You can tan a little bit Which I want to talk about You know because Wait hold on Now of course you might need less time under the sun based on your skin tone. I, yeah, it can cause skin damage, skin cancer, but apparently the, okay.
So you really can improve your testosterone levels by sun and your nuts. Maybe this is something I need to try.
Yeah. Huh.
Butthole sunning is not butthole sunning. However, very different.
What's the point of butthole sunning? It's really good for you. What? They get a parent.
Look, there they are right there. Look at those fellows right there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Apparently, high levels of vitamin D can enter through your anal cavity.
You know, vitamin D is really good for you. So that's really good to sun your butthole.
Let's see that video. I want to see these fellas sun their butt.
I would never sun my butthole. Full screen that, papa.
In a mere 30 seconds. Of course, that's what he looks like.
100% it's that guy. Of course that's what he looks like.
You will receive more energy from this

electric node. See?

Then you would in an entire day

being outside

with your clothes on.

So you receive more energy when you sun your butthole.

This is so tight.

I'm doing it tomorrow. I swear to God.

I want to do this. Can we get a picture of you and I sunning our butthole

like this and send it in? Yeah, I will.

Honestly, dude. We'll tape it

tomorrow. Okay.
Should I come to your

house? Come to my house. Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry. I want to do this.
Can we get a picture of you and I sunning our butthole like this? You want to come over to my house? Do it at my house? Yeah, I will. Honestly, dude.
We'll tape it tomorrow. Okay.
Should I come to your house? Come to my house. Oh, yeah.
Come to my house and sun. Yeah, yeah.
Because I get a ton of sunlight in my backyard. Who's going to tape it? Because I don't want your wife to tape it.
We'll have one of the guys. One of these guys do it.
Okay, yeah. Pete, can you come tape us sunning our buttholes? He's got kids.
He's not going to... We don't have to bring the kids.
No, but he's not going to tell his wife. I've got to go fucking tape the guys sunning their buttholes It's his job You'll check it out So we'll do do For like 30 minutes we'll sun our buttholes I think it's at 30 seconds I don't think you're supposed to sit in the sun It takes a while for me You need a lot of buttholes sunning I don't think it's going to work right away for me.
I think I have a lot of layers of stuff. Butthole sunning.
Yeah, yeah. So let's do like 30 minutes of butthole sunning.
All right, fine. And we'll do 30 minutes of nut sunning.
No, nut sunning has to be much less. No, we'll put stuff on it.
Okay, we'll- Go get- I'll go to the pharmacy. Let's go to CVS and go get sunscreen.
I'll get the sunscreen. Okay.
I'll get different varieties. Okay.
Right? It's pretty rigid already. Bryce? Yep.
Can you do me a favor and get me another Diet Coke like this, but do the thing that you did with the lighter to open it? Sounds good. Thank you.
Oh, you don't know how to do that? How to crack it open? No. Come here.
I'm going to teach him. Don't open it.
I'm going to teach him. There's no way I'm going to learn.
I'll break the thing. Will you learn, please? We have plenty of those Diet Cokes.
We have seven of those in that thing. Hey.
We got a lot of Diet Cokes. I don't know how to open it.
I'm going to teach you, dude. How do you do it with the lighter? Yeah.
I'm going to show you. But I'm going to...
That starts fights in the house, right? I always go, where's the fucking bottle opener? No, see, I know. Here, give me the lighter so I can...
I'm not going to open it. You are, but I'm going to show you the way.
Okay. See? You need to put sunscreen...
Okay, hold on. I have this one.
Okay. You need to put sunscreen on your butthole right now This says, pose people Right, you should be sunning, you should be doing it Alright, we'll do it So look, grab it like this, and there's one of two ways You can either brace it here I like to brace it right here On this view, it's easier So you just go like this, and you see you're bracing it with this And all you do is crack it up, it's really easy very very easy all right let's see it like this no look using this look using that as a yeah hold on let me see no no no no no no there it is yay bobby bobby bobby bobby yeah did you like that yeah yeah it worked great the boys were clapping downstairs hey yeah now that you're in diet coke mode what i want to show you something this will be good oh my god this is my favorite stream of videos on the internet right now go ahead there is a guy there well there's a group of guys i don't know the origins so i can't i don't to speak out of turn.
But they play these pranks on each other.

And you've seen this on the internet. I'm sure you've seen this if you're on the internet at all.

Okay.

But look what these boys do to each other.

Okay.

Asian?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Wait, wait, wait.

Stop.

Stop, stop, stop.

They put Mentos and Coke

and it explodes into order for it.

They do this to each other all the time.

So it doesn't explode everywhere.

He puts his mouth over it

to let it stop the stream.

Yeah, but why can't they just put it in his hand?

It will never work.

And it's funnier when it's the other way.

Okay.

Here you go.

No, no, no, no, no, no. when it's the other way.
Okay. Here you go.
It's good. It's good.
It's good. It's good.
It's good. It's good.
It's good. It's good.
It's good. It's good.
It's good. It's good.
It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

It's good.

I love these guys.

I know, but it's...

Do the one where they're in the car.

It's staged, though.

I know.

It's great.

It didn't used to be.

That's what I said.

When it started out,

they used to naturally do each other in a car. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They would do it in the car and then now they do it staged, of course. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Look at how big that thing is.
Do that again. Dude, it's so fun to watch.
I know it's staged anymore, but it's fun to watch them have fun with each other. It's so stupid.
It's so good. It's so stupid.
I'm'm gonna be in a house party movie and uh oh you already did it no i'm gonna do it next week and then i do it in august again wait wait so i'm the only white guy in the house party i swear to god i mean every cool black person and then me it's like tell me who's in the house it's like it's like they put up the they put up the breakdown and they were like cool black guy cool black girl cool black guy and cool black girl yeah and andrew zantino and i'm like i want to see who's in it dc young dc young fly eerie soleil uh toson cole george lindberg jr these are all like cool young hip black guys yeah girls wow yeah they're cool as shit and we're and then funny and then i'm in it'm in it. It's a comedy though, no? It's House Party.
It's like it's a remake of... Yeah, it's a comedy.
Kid and Play's comedy, yeah. I would play...
Are you a cop in it? What are you in? I'm one of the dorky next door neighbors. Like the white, like, hey guys, turn it down.
That's me. Oh, I love it.
Yeah. I love it.
Well, like, you know, did you see the original John Witherspoon? Rest in peace. Yeah.
One of the greatest. Was he in House Party? He was.
He was in the original. He was one of the neighbors.
Oh, I didn't know. Yeah, dude.
Which is sad because if he was still around, you know they would have had him play as an homage again. Right.
I love that when actors get to come back to movies that they first did and get to redo it. Actually, can I be honest with you? Yeah.
I'm envious that you're in that movie. In House Party? Oh, yeah.
I'm in it for three-tenths of a second. It's not even going to be real, dude.
I'm not in the movie. For what it's worth, I'm envious that you're in that movie and house party? I'm in it for three tenths of a second it's not even going to be real dude I'm not in the movie for what it's worth I'm one of the neighbors so it's like there's always that in any neighborhood movie there's always that annoying neighbor so you knock on the door so there'll be a scene of you knocking on the door like a cop or whatever and excuse me can you turn it down please fellas yeah well i'm not gonna give i'm not gonna give away what the scene is but yes i but it's that type of scene right yeah you're gonna be in the movie and it's gonna be memorable maybe yeah i could easily see them uh um uh the rooming me you know did they do you don't die in it no but something happens to you yes something crazy something cool because you know it's so funny you are you know how they yeah yeah they reintroduce me to do something cool at the end yeah something crazy though something that happens to you something that you'll that you will go i love it i love it yeah because i love the ferris hey jules you ever see Ferris Bueller's Day Off? No way.

I knew she hasn't.

No way.

One of the best movies in the history of film.

One of the best movies in the history of film.

John Hughes.

John Hughes.

Yo.

Yeah.

Tim Robinson's show?

I think you should leave.

Have you ever seen it?

Who's Tim Robertson?

Holy shit.

You don't know who Tim Robinson is?

No.

Oh my God.

Tim Robinson was a writer for Saturday Night Live.

He's an amazing comedian.

Yeah, yeah.

He had a show on Netflix called I Think You Should Leave. Yeah leave yeah and the first season was great the second season just came out it's i'm not kidding it's one of the funniest things i've ever seen in my life because you've said that before and then i've not out it's knockout hilarious here's the pro here's the thing about sketch i'm gonna preface this and i'll say this to our audience too yeah and i loved him i texted him on the plane on the plane and I said, dude, incredible.
The thing about sketches and my, this is my stupid opinion. Oh my God.
I love it already. You either are hitting a home run or it's a foul ball.
Yeah. So here's what I like about sketches.
Sometimes it's a miss. Yeah.
Sometimes it's a strikeout. Yeah.
That happens in all of them. Yeah.
But the ones that are home runs are fucking amazing. Yeah.
There's no double. I mean, Key and Peele had some.
Key and some key and peel had the classics and they had a couple of the funniest things you've ever seen in your life some couple of them were a little long yeah yeah yeah but this guy tim robinson is a fucking genius and i'm telling you dude yeah this show has some bits in it that will you will shit your pants they're so funny oh i can't wait to watch you're gonna love it yeah you're going to love it i already can see it in my head you're gonna love it yeah yeah it's he's quirky he's great no i just from the photo itself oh he's so good you mean it's like oh i have to watch that have you guys seen it i've seen the first season yeah it's great you like the first season yeah i haven't seen the second i think this is better than the first season i like the first season but i think this has more home runs in it because what he does in it he goes through this world of like reintroducing characters and old bits from other which i love you know mr show used to do that remember same thing where you're like oh that's that guy that's the character from this other sketch that he put into this sketch yeah it's a callback yeah it's really wonderful you've seen it huh pete yeah bryce you never watched it you don't have time You're going to watch this. Hold on.
Someone sent me this video.

I want to show you this real fast because this guy is my favorite guy. Do you know who Kevin Samuels is? Have you ever heard of him? Do you know who that is? I don't know anybody.
This guy is amazing. This guy.
So he's like a – I want to preface this. Okay.
This guy is like a motivational speaker, and particularly he talks often to black audiences only. Like his directive is like helping black men and women talk open and honestly about relationships and sex and presentation.
And he's a little brutally honest. Okay, so watch some of this.
Just watch some of this. You got a big dick? Huh? You have a big dick? I mean, it's above average.
I ain't i ain't know ron jeremy no no no no i asked you if you had a big dick i just said it was above average i don't know what that is really got a big dick every dude know whether or not he got a big dick i know i got a big dick you don't know i mean you don't have a big dick that's the point you don't have a big dick you don't have a big wallet. You a big, you a big dick.
You don't know? I mean... You don't have a big dick.
That's the point. You don't have a big dick.
You don't have a big wallet. You're a fat dude.
And you got a lot of nerve thinking you should get choosing signals that 5'10 and 300 pounds making less than $1,000 a month at 20 years old. And women should approach you.
What they get, they don't even get a big dick and then he hangs up on people the other guys are like I would shoot myself in the face Bobby people call him for advice and they let him shit on them I gotta see more I love this guy who's we a Samuels. Who's we? A black man? Who's that? Who's we? Who is that? Who is that? Check your shit.
I'm talking to one person, not you. We're like, fuck you up, Kevin.
Really? Fuck you up. Get this big bitch.
Look at this little fool. You like men, Kevin.
Look at this little fool. Look at this little fat fool.

That's why I just sat there and let her talk.

Bro.

That's why I just sat there and let her stupid ass talk.

This is why you're dying alone.

I just let her sit there and talk.

I found God.

I done it.

Ain't nobody rushing to try to make.

That was a straight. Bro.
Yeah. It's endless.
I've watched this. I'm not kidding.
I have to watch all of them. I watch hours of him.
Hours. How do you find him? How do I find him? Kevin Samuels or just YouTube all of it.
Kevin Samuels. Wait, but let me tell you one before this next one plays.
The funniest one I think I've ever seen in my life. Yeah.
He's got a guy and a girl. I couldn't find it.
He's got a guy and a girl and he's doing kind of like a match a matching thing but he all he's really doing he's setting them up to tell them their flaws to each other yeah like making her go what don't you like about this guy yeah and in the middle he's adding stuff so she'll go well he you know he's bald and he'll go yeah he bald and he's fat and he got big old forehead and he'll just like yeah yeah and they love it they do and they take it but but but is it is he a relationship coach no dude he is a life he is a life coach yes and particularly his whole goal was like to get away from these i deserve um uh stigmas of like a lot of times he would try to coach women and be like here's why guys don't want you this is his whole thing by the way white guy cancelled if this is a white guy they're gonna kill him but in the black community they can take this fun honesty and they go back and forth if you said that to a group of white chicks they'd sue you they'd sue you let me see. Talk about this.
No, ma'am.

Marriage is a natural choice because if marriage was a spiritual

choice, God would be responsible for all

the divorces, and he is not. But God

created marriage. No, he did not.

Yes, he did. No, he didn't.

Okay, you're going to argue. Okay.

I'm not going to argue. You're 24.

You're not going to argue with me because, one,

I know what I'm talking about, and I can... First of all, even if you're a Christian, you shouldn't be arguing with me the first place.
Correct. Were Adam and Eve married? Yes.
Who performed the ceremony? Jesus did. Oh, shit.
Seriously?

I'm saying oh, shit, because are you serious?

Adam and Eve were married?

There was only one person on the planet.

It was Adam.

God put him to sleep and he wrote, went inside of him, took out a rib and said, flesh of my flesh.

He made Eve.

He presented Eve to Adam. They didn't get married.
did the ceremony simba are you kidding they weren't married let me see another one that one's okay hold on let me see another one and how tall are you i'm five three how much do you weigh that's none of your business i told you i was fat oh okay we don't play that shit on my channel You get your big fat ass on somewhere i don't deal you big sassy ass brawls as an image consultant and as a person and a professional there it is you can be five three and weigh so much that you don't even want to tell somebody how much you weigh and think you're gonna get a man to marry you a high value man so you go ahead and gone go on back over and get your two piece or three piece or whatever you got coming from, you know, Chick-fil-A or Popeye's. You think she talked to Brad that way? Hell no.
Oh, I love this guy. Kevin Samuels.
Kevin Samuels. Can we find a way to connect with him to get him on this show? Wouldn't you love that? Yeah, but it's guy's great he is great but it's like um he's so mean it's wonderful it's mean but it's not necessarily true what do you mean because it's like this is his five three i understand let me tell you something yeah these people the people that call into the show yeah they know what it is i know i don't get it so i understand that but i'm just saying so i'm just saying it's like all right there's several ways to get a man of course right so you're five three right and you weigh what 200 pounds yes fat right yeah right but the inner skills have to be great yeah right so for instance he's an image i know i know he's talking about image only that's his whole thing right but i'm just saying that these women are calling i can't find a man i know five three right shame on them for calling this guy i know but there's just several i'm just saying if i was an like a consultant a life consultant yeah right like there's two ways either lose the way look look good or become, right, right, right.
There's only two ways, but that's not. Look, the reason Kalilah's with you is not because you're a good-looking five-foot-four guy.
Exactly. It's because you're talented.
I have other things I knew. You make up for your flaws.
I looked in the mirror long ago and he's a young man and I went, okay.

Better be funny. You love beautiful women.

Yeah. I did.
I've

always liked it, right? And I'm not like

the other guys, my types, going

I'm just going to go for what I, you know,

I always aim high in everything that I

do. Right, well, because if you aim, you know,

shoot for the moon, you'll end up in the stars.

Yeah, like for instance, I came into

this business, think I was going to be Tom Cruise. This is where I landed i landed yeah this is fine by me though you're tongo cruise now right so what i'm saying is is that like you know i looked in the mirror and i go what do i need to do you figure out your strengths i had to go i'm funny right i have interest you know i mean and maybe it's doing some sort of performance yeah right i'm not a good musician so i did musician.
So I did that early on. That's not true.
You were a good musician. Okay, right? But it's like I think that I got to do something.
So I did incredible risk-taking. I would just go up.
I have no experience performing really. So I walked up to a club and I just signed my name and i waited for six hours they called my name and i ran up there and i have no writing you know i mean i don't went to a seminar or i'd go to college for writing me either i just wrote down whatever i thought might be funny and 95 of it was junk but every week i would just keep going and then i would go three four five times a times a week and eventually I figured it out and eventually I started getting women that were like above my pay grade.
So I'm just saying that I know what he's saying. First of all, what he's doing is entertainment.
He's just doing this just to create content. It is funny.
He's trolling people. He's trolling people.
But it's wonderful. It is wonderful.
I want him on the show. I want Kevin on the show.
But you don't feel bad for these women that are calling in? I didn't say any of the mean things. I like listening to it because it's hilarious.
But he does this to guys. In the first clip we saw, he's like, you got a big dick.
He does it to everybody. He's trolling you.
And by the way, that's my point. If you don't like him or you don't like the behavior of that talk, don't call in.
Don't watch. Don't listen.
Right, right. That's my whole point about censorship in our business at all.
Howard Stern has been the filthiest mouse. Like here's a dude who's like, I'm a vegan and we rescue dogs.
It's like, dude, he spent the first half of his career being like, show me your tits. I mean, dude, what do you mean? He's a shock jock guy.
Even us. It's like I've read comments on Bad Friends.
Yeah. Stuff.
The worst podcast or whatever I i might say the worst you did they think we're the worst somebody had said that the worst podcast there are so many worse podcasts unlistenable right every week they say every week it's unlistenable right huh but they listen every week yeah oh right right so it's like it kind of was like there's way worse podcasts out there. Good for you.
My point is, is that like, I should stop reading that shit. Yeah, 100%.
It's meaningless. 100%.
100%. It doesn't mean anything.
You know what? And let me say this. Let me say this, because I'm going to close the episode with something sweet.
Out of all the questions I got this past week in Houston, a lot about you, which was very annoying. It's very annoying, because she's getting a little bit too big for her britches and i'm getting a little frustrated yeah and they all asked about her because they love you and at the very end one guy said i don't have a question i have a comment i just want to thank you and thank you guys for giving us content every week for doing what you do because it means a lot to us whether or not you recognize that we know that it's you know putting in work and time and effort and all that stuff so to that dude i wish i'd give him a big hug i think that was amazing because i we do appreciate all the fans what i don't give a shit about the comments positive or negative i just want to say thank you to the fans because it does mean a lot dude it means a lot when they come to the shows and they're super supportive and they're excited about this us doing this i mean what i'm being genuine endedBrayo show I did, you had left the stage.
Yeah. And I literally tried to be vulnerable, and I really meant it.
I said, you guys have recreated me. It's reinvented.
You reinvented me. Yeah.
And I feel like, I've had fans before, but not this intense and personal. And so it's like when they come up to me and they go, can I get a photo? Or I talk to them like regular, like it's regular.
It's like. It is.
I think, I think, I look them in the eyes. I thank them.
I say, I take every photo. Yeah.
And I'm just very like in awe of it. And I, you know it I know that we do what we do as a service but we get it back from them it fuels us and it's like it literally is just the most amazing life that I could ever imagine.
We love you guys.

You do it.

I thought you were going to do it with me.

Let's do it.

Let's do it really softly and quietly because we mean it.