Rudy's Stand Up Debut

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You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

So John Rambo is an alien.

So unnecessary to run over the cop car.

I just want to explain to her what's going on.

He could have just kept going up the street.

And this doesn't make sense either.

This duck and dive with this motorcycle.

Stay on the sidewalk.

I know.

What are you doing?

Yeah.

This is so poorly choreographed.

Just tell her the premise though.

So he's an alien.

He just landed.

And the local town, right?

They saw the spaceship land in the car. Freak! They freaked him out.
They say freak. Freak.
They get him. And they got him.
Because he was a lizard at first, and he came back as a human. Right? What? I don't believe you.
Anyway, so he lands. It's a lizard race.
He goes on. I'm John Rambo You know I'm Johnny He goes I'm Jonathan Rambo That's right, that's right I'm Jonathan Rambo Right And then And then The guys are freeze Get down Get down Right And then he goes and he turns into Sylvester Stallone.
Yeah, this sexy, muscly. So that's a lizard alien, but as a disguise, he's Sylvester Stallone from Rocky.
So everyone thinks now, some of the townspeople think it's Rocky Balboa. Yeah, they're looking for a fight.
Yeah, yeah. So they're like, hey, what are you fighting next? Where's Apollo? Remember one in the lines? Where's Apollo? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he's like, he's black. That's what he said.
He's black. Did he say that? He doesn't.
He does not. It's cool, man.
It's a great film. It's a great film.
But then the other lizards fly back down. And then one turns into Arnold Schwarzenegger.
And one of them is Steven Seagal. And the other one is Jean-Claude Van Damme.
And it's basically, you know what this is? A prequel to Expendables. Yeah, this is Expendables 1.
This is like the prequel. Expendables 1, really.
I don't know what's Expendables. It's like talking to a farmer's kid.
A wall. I don't know what he's doing.
I don't know anything. Do you know who John Rambo is? I mean, do you know who Rocky Balboa is? No.
You don't know who Rocky Balboa is? Tell her who Rocky Balboa is. Rocky Balboa was a famous blind fighter, a one-armed famous blind fighter from Johannesburg, South Africa.
He was very famous. Joburg, South Africa.
And he was half black and half white. But it's a movie that Sylvester Stallone did.
Yeah, he played it. This is before this movie.
It's what made him famous. And this is before CGI, by the way.
So he had to have one arm tucked and taped to his back. The whole film.
No, no, what they did was they had a harness. Oh, harness oh it was a face yeah so his arm was tied to his body like this and then they had a prosthetic like this and there was this one if you see the behind the scenes of the bloopers right i've seen the bts he was running and then the thing fell off right the actors in the eye yeah yeah yeah and so here's here's this guy from johann, South Africa.
Yeah. And he's half black and half white.

Yeah.

Now, when you say half black and half white, what do you think in your mind?

What do they look like?

They have light skin.

Right.

Right.

But this, he's physically half.

Like half black.

Half of his left side of his body is black and half is white.

Oh.

So the side with no arm is white. And here's the opening song of the fucking movie, right? One half is going, Ebony and Ivory.
It's a famous song for the film. You never heard Ebony and Ivory? Together in harmony.
It's famous. It's from the movie.
It's famous. They wrote it for the movie.
For the film do you know you never heard ebony and ivory together in harmony it's famous it's from the movie famous so he wrote it for the movie for the film and so anyway rocky balboa this one-armed half black half white guy he decides to take on apollo do you know who apollo is he's the he's like a lord like he's we have our galaxy right but we have a universe he's the lord of the universe he's the god of the universe yeah like Apollo you know what I mean like a god and part of this whole thing is Rocky is homophobic and Apollo is outwardly gay outwardly gay he's openly gay full blown gay and so they get into a full a fighting match about whether or not you know well he brought Apollo brought AIDS he brought AIDS to the earth that, in the movie... So Rocky's trying to beat AIDS, the whole film.
That was like what the whole film is. He's fighting for...
Fighting AIDS, fighting intergalactic, you know, species. Intergalactic AIDS, basically.
Intergalactic AIDS. And what...
And what happens in the movie is, Rocky, you know, I told you, he is from Philadelphia. He's born in Johannesburg, and then he starts fighting in Philadelphia because that's obvious.
That's where all the homophobes are. And he fights, and he beats Apollo.
He beats the guy who brought AIDS down, and that's kind of the beginning of Sylvester's career. That's why he's so famous.
But they did another movie as a sequel, but it wasn't like... Eventually, Rocky gets HIV.

He gets HIV, yeah.

And he gives it to Tom Hanks in the movie Philadelphia.

That's right.

That's why he died.

In this part two.

Right.

So Tom Hanks, right, he dies from HIV.

Yeah, of course.

But he got it from Rocky Balboa.

And here's a little behind the scenes.

But it's like intergalactic AIDS.

But they don't really mention it in Philadelphia. It's space AIDS.
Space AIDS, yeah. And he ended up giving it to Charlie Sheen, but in real life.
Can I see a Rocky Balboa? The picture of him? Yeah. I'm sure you can find it.
Yeah, find a Rocky Balboa picture. Find the Rocky Balboa picture.
There he is. There he is.
There he is. Look, you can see the right side is white, and the left side is obviously more dark.
See that arm right there? Yeah. Yeah.
That arm gets ripped off. No, this is right here, the prosthetic thing.
Right, it's all fake. It's all fake.
So on the left side, you can tell that he's black. On the left, you can tell he's white on the right.
See how it's shading? So the right side is dark. The left side is white.
And that's actually the beginning of the movie where he sings Ebony and Ivory. That's it.
Yeah, so it goes, Ebony and Ivory. That's it.
Yeah, that's it. That's it.
So you should watch those movies. That's why you like.
So good. You should watch some of these older movies.
Who killed at the Brea Improv, by the way? Oh, my God. You destroyed.
So she. Did she? Honestly.
Yeah, she killed. Did she not kill? She killed.
Yeah. The crowd went apeshit.
People don't. For people that don't know, me and Bob did a little Tuesday night.
It's Bobby Lee and friends. We did a Tuesday night at the at Brea and Bob brought me down.
And we, you know, last week's show, we did the script for Rudy. And man.
Let me just put it in contact. Can we see it no no don't put it don't don't do it yet okay let's just put everything into context though okay okay sold out that's not what i'm gonna say but it is sold out it was all mexican and whites again no blacks at this show three three we counted a lot of asians there's a good amount of asians yeah but no black people people, which I love.
So, um... For you, because you don't

get any black fans.

You know, um... You don't.

They don't like you.

Do you want to make me angry, or...?

No, no, no, of course not. Yeah.
Set it up.

Because I'm just... No, I have to address that.

Okay. No, don't roll your eyes.

I didn't. When you roll your eyes, it's so gross.

Yeah. So, um...

When I play Michigan

or Cleveland or they come out. Black people? Yeah.
Okay. Take a picture.
I will. Take a picture with all your black fans.
Yeah. And upload it.
And then let's make a contest to see how many more black fans I have than you. Fine.
Okay. Fine.
this in the context I'm just gonna be positive today and I looked in the mirror today when I woke up and I was just like I'm good enough I'm smart enough I'm just like don't get angry today don't get angry don't get angry every time I said I got more angry but my point is let's put this in the context give the context so the before, she couldn't sleep.

And for 24 hours, probably even 48 hours, she was just like doing every kind of angle in terms of like convincing me not to go up.

And I was just basically saying, all you have to do is introduce us.

And I'm getting her ready for – and if you think that we're bullying her to do it, no, because we have a gig in – Cancun.

November.

Yeah.

And it's in front of a live audience. She's got to be be there and i want her to be used to an audience yeah right so it's like it was like and we're not humiliating her and also i was gonna put her up on stage just on her own but i didn't do that i was on stage with her yeah you were up there with her it was nice nice.
To make it safe. Right? So, um, play it.
Killed it. Let's see it.
Why don't you guys give her the love, alright, that she deserves. Round of applause from Rudy, everybody! They're chanting, Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! Pause it, pause it.

The quality of this is just...

What did we shoot this through?

Spielberg directed it.

He did?

It's so good.

Wow, all right.

Well, let's see what Stephen was able to come up with.

So, we wrote an intro for Andrew, so...

I'm going to sit over here on the stool just to see if everything's going to be okay, alright?

I will go.

You're talking the mic.

Alright guys, Rudy, everybody, Rudy!

Pause it. What are you thinking right here, Rudy? what's going on in your head right now the crowd there's 500 people going rudy what are you thinking i was farting a lot before so i thought i was gonna poo okay can i just I thought I was going to poo.
What's up with you, man?

You're great.

You're great. You're great.
But here's what she did that was clever. What? Say you get what? You get nervous? When I get scared, my stomach starts to...
You know, Bobby and I can both tell you as comics, sometimes before shows, I used to poop. I used to poop before shows.
Oh, yeah. Because I get the butterflies.
I get butterflies. Yeah.
I got butterflies that night.

Did you?

Oh, yeah.

So what?

You had to poop, but you didn't.

No.

But she did a thing that was so funny, and she didn't mean to do it.

What? But she did a thing when she walked onto the stage as if she had been living in a cave

for 50 years.

So she walked up like, what is this place?

Like the lights just came on.

They came on.

It was a really funny, like, it almost made the audience feel like oh yeah she doesn't give a

fuck this is great yes well yeah did you give a fuck you didn't look nervous you look like i don't give a fuck she looked like she didn't care all right let's see Hello?

Hello?

Push, push, push.

Crush.

Hello?

You can say hello. Hello?

Push, watch, push, watch.

Crush.

Crush.

Hello?

When you can say hello.

Crush.

And get a laugh.

I mean.

There's something special going on.

She went up.

Hello?

Yeah.

She acted.

Well, it was like that same thing where it's like when people get captured and they get blacked out and then they wake up in a forest tied to a tree that's the hello that you do hello who did this yeah amazing all right good let's see next pause let's not use force ever again yeah okay we didn't force you to do anything we're not force you to be here. No, you enjoy it.
ever again. Yeah.
Okay, we didn't force you to do this. To do anything.
We're not forcing you to be here.

No, you enjoy it, partially.

Yeah.

And you wanted to do it.

Okay, let's see the rest.

But they wrote the script, so I'm just going to read it.

Already getting a round of applause.

A round of applause for Chad. She doesn't know the name.
You know the name. You know the name, but you made it seem like you're so indifferent that you didn't, and that's clever.
Yeah, that was funny. Chad? Yeah, you knew what Chad...
What was the other guy's name? Chad and who? There was TJ. Yeah, see, you know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the other guy, I forgot.
Who's the other guy? JT. His name was JT.
Let her have it. It's fine.
It's the same name. Who's the other guy's name? The taller white guy? I forgot.
Strider. Strider, remember? Tall white guy, he kind of looks like...
Yeah, yeah, name everyone in the room. So, who performed? Eleanor.
What? Eleanor. Eleanor.
Eleanor. Eleanor.
Eleanor. Eleanor.
Eleanor. Yeah.
Who else? Annie. Annie.
Yeah. You and Tutu Andrew.
Correct. Yeah, that's correct.
Chad. Yeah.
JT. Yeah.
And then I forgot. You literally just said it.
You said it again. Spreader.
Spreader was up there. Spreader killed.
It hit play. Are you guys having a good time? This guy knows what I'm talking about.
Push pause. Push pause.
That joke murdered. This guy knows what I'm talking about.
Okay, push pause. Push pause.
That joke murdered. This guy knows what I'm talking about.
Because they know, they get that she read it off the thing. I know.
That's why. I think that if we do this, just hear me out.
Even if we wrote her a set. It would crush.
You read it off the paper. Just like you did.
Just like you did. Look at her panicking already just do it let's play the whole thing now okay what do you do for a living?

Nice.

Okay, you guys ready for more shows?

I can't hear you!

Why don't you guys stand up and make some noise? Let's do a wave. I'm giggling.
I'm going crazy. Jesus Christ.

Okay, um...

I have to divide the room.

The right side has to say bad,

and the left side has to say threat.

Okay.

Bad, threat!

Bad, threat!

Bad,its! Bad Brits!

What?

Go and play it!

Okay. Um...

It gives me the utmost pleasure to bring the next comic to the stage.

He is arguably the better and the nicer Tito. Tito Andrew.
All right. I mean.
Okay, there was a rewrite? She did the rewrite. She did her own rewrite.
I have a feeling that you were in the room. Did I do the rewrite for you or you did it?

I did it.

See, I told you.

Okay.

I didn't have anything to do with that.

So, right when you're getting off the stage, be honest with me.

Yeah, give us our feeling, your feeling.

Your real feeling.

I was relieved and I had a headache And I just wanted to go home Really appreciates it Really was sitting in the moment I was relieved I had a headache I wanted to go home But what drives me crazy and bothers me about that statement I swear to god that's not entirely true Why? she lying? No, because she can't get herself to admit the actual feeling that she got from it.

Yes, it's relief.

When she says relief, there's other feelings in there.

Right.

Right?

That's in that little box that you have to kind of separate.

Yes, there is relief that you did it.

But there's another thing, right? Because it went over way better than you thought it was going to is that true i was kind of happy that i did it no but you did it go better than you thought it was gonna go yeah i thought no one right so that so when so when you're getting laughs and those reactions right that must have been a surprise to you yeah in the moment and i know because andrew and i have been doing this for many many years yeah right we know what that feeling is it's like telling a heroin addict and you feel like a kid that's never done heroin do you feel it no it's like we know you feel it because we do it yeah you do feel it yeah you didn't feel something special inside of you? A little. Why didn't you say that then? It doesn't matter.
It does matter. Yeah, that's so funny though.
She's right. Because it's fleeting.
Because you didn't buy into the feeling because you know it was only temporary. She's way ahead of her years.
But that's not it. I disagree.
I absolutely disagree. Yeah.
What is it? Because I know, and this is, I have to believe that this is a universal human feeling. It's just that I know that when I do something great, like either I do a good scene in a show or I have a great set or something, that that feeling is residual.
It's like a residual feeling. It lasts for days.

You might not know it, right?

But you'll lay in bed and you'll glimpse back, right?

And you'll think about certain moments

and that gives you endorphins.

It makes you feel good.

Yeah, no, it does.

So you can't tell me that you haven't had those moments.

I had. Yeah, so can we go back to how you were feeling then? No.
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Oh, is this post-show? What is this? Oh, there was a little post-show.

Good night.

Good night.

Good night.

Look at that moment.

You killed it.

You killed it.

Thank you.

Look at how happy you are.

What is she doing?

What is she doing?

I'm crying.

How do you feel now? Do you feel like a reliever? Are you pressing charges? are pause it there's so much happiness in your face right there yeah there's the the amount of joy is incredible kalilah was crying what are you doing what is that because i remember let it out no now when you look at me it kind of stopped all right go ahead but um there was there was a moment where um so i get off stage right and i see kalyla running right running toward the green room because she was in the audience right and i remember looking at her I don't know what came over to me, but I did a move. I went like this.
What is that? Success? Yeah! Like that. Yeah, it's like you felt it.
She kind of did a hop. She hopped.
Yeah. At the same time, I go, yeah! She does a? And I go, yeah.
I'm just yelling, yeah, right? I was so like. Are you getting teary-eyed? I was, yeah.
But not anymore. When you look at me, you have a way about you.
It just sucks it away. I get angry when I look at you.
So I love you. Okay, but why? I was trying to share the moment with you.
What are you doing right now? You started that. What are you doing right now? I was being nice.
I was being nice. I know.
Don't look at me when I get emotional. Okay, fine.
It takes me out of it. Well, that's a you thing.
That's a you thing. Fine, go.
Be emotional. I'm done with that.
No, I'm done with that. Be emotional.
I'm done with being emotional, but my point is that there was a sense of relief for myself, too, because it could have gone the other way and it could have been traumatic for her. Right.
Stop doing that. I'm done.
Well, I don't want to look at you now. I have no feelings.
So look at me again. God.
This is kind of nice. Doing the show like this is great.
Yeah. Hey, Bob.
Did you feel proud? Honestly, I really did. I thought it was one of those things where i knew you were going to do great just because i think you know sometimes things line up right but the next time she does it is going to be a disaster yeah that's what you have to do it a second time yeah you're gonna bomb yeah you're gonna eat shit yeah you have to experience heaven and hell yeah otherwise it doesn't exist yeah how do you know if one is good if not if you don't know what's bad yeah you have to know let me say something if you had had a bomb before that that would have been 10 times more oh you know it would have felt oh my god it would have felt so amazing imagine her bombing in cancun oh she will that's gonna be funny when would she make her do 15 minutes of stand-up she's gonna no not 15's what the contract said.
It said 15 minutes. It literally said, Bob and I have to do an hour together and you have to do 15 minutes to open the show.
Yeah. One minute.
No, this is not a negotiation. Your contract was with the fucking festival.
Imagine that. Like if she's held hostage.
I know. And they're like, give us $100,000.
And she's like, $1.

That's her negotiating.

She goes, $1.

Or you know how sometimes you're a hostage and they film something?

Yeah, film this.

You have to plea for your life, right?

She goes, help me.

Do you want to get let out of here?

Do you want to have someone come save you?

Yeah. Go.
Tell people to come save you yeah go tell people

to come help you take a lie help me that's it she's gonna be dead they're killing you right away they go this kid's worthless yeah but i have something else i want to talk to you about okay i think i saw a great show last night and i saw the full first season last night what you're not gonna like going to like it. What is it called?

Manifest.

Manifest?

Yeah. What is that about? It's some bullshit ABC or CBS.

Why is it bullshit?

Because it's like Lost.

Yeah, no I can't. This is it? Yeah, it's like Lost.

So it's basically what the, here's the

premise. Can I tell you the premise?

A lot of white people. Yeah.

There are some black people. A lot of whites for NBC.
Yeah, it's a lot of zoom in on there nbc is there any browns um there are i think the wife is a greek that doesn't count to greek is close oh there's an indian there's an indian girl as the far the far left right there is an indian girl i know but they just make it look like she's not right like this poster from far away are all those people white yeah i remember seeing that poster on like sunset boulevard going but i watched it i watched the full season it's good huh so no it's not no it's bad but the premise is this okay can i tell you the premise i'm listening well the reason i watch it because i was on netflix last night yesterday i was like um that's I don't know how that works. This was trending? Yeah.
Like top 10. Yeah.
I got to see the first pilot. So this is the premise.
This family. So this is what – okay.
There's a family in Jamaica. They're not Jamaican.
This family is in Jamaica? Yeah. They're on vacation in Jamaica.ica okay jamaica man so it's the central two leads is a brother and sister they're adults right and they have um the brother has twins and his sister is single but she's a cop oh right and they're there with their elderly parents And so they're at the airport and the announcement goes you know how we're overbooked right so anyone wants to take a later flight we'll give you a 400 coupon right when that happens at the airport i've never seen anybody go me never once never once never once never once right i need to get to where i'm going me too i don't.
You'd have to give me $40,000. Let's be honest.
Yeah. How much, what is the lowest you'd take? I mean, I don't want to sound like a dick, but the lowest I would take, if there was like- Well, here's the other problem.
If there were kids with cancer- You don't need to be there. Where are you going? You're going a day early already anyway.
Yeah. So you could actually get there tomorrow morning or later at the night flight.

Well, the flight attendant

or whoever the person is

would have to come up to me

and go, listen,

there's a kid that needs kidney.

There's three kids

that need kidney surgery.

Three of them.

That sounds like so many people

that need kidney surgery.

I know, but yeah.

All three of them are here.

There's three kids

that need kidney surgery.

Okay.

And the flight is booked.

Can you please,

we'll give you four grand.

Oh.

Four grand.

Yeah.

And you know,

no voucher.

I'll see you four grand oh four grand yeah and you know no voucher i don't even know what voucher means cash now and you do four grand cash four grand yeah in cash yeah if i have to wait the most i'll wait is five hours what if it's tomorrow morning well you gotta get me a nice hotel room tonight tonight like four seasons Like four seasons. Okay.
Four grand in cash. Okay.
Alright? What's so funny? Is that too much? No. I mean, it's, you know.
I'm not a four seasons. How about just a nice hotel? I don't want to be in a Holiday Inn.
Well, that's all we have, sir. I'll do it.
Okay, perfect. So we'll give you $4,000 in cash.
Yes. I'll take the Holiday Inn.
Okay. So we going to tell the families now.
Okay. Sir, this nice Oriental man has decided to give up his seats for you.
Five grand. You call me Oriental.
What? You can't see. Come on.
Sir. For four grand, it's fine.
I'll take the holiday. Go ahead.
So kids, we're going to get you those kidneys that you need because this nice yellow man over here has decided to give you... I'm sorry.
You work for American Airlines?

I do.

I am one of the top people here.

I've been at the desk for 37 years.

Yeah, but you called me yellow and also oriental.

No, I don't believe I said that, but... Well, I'm filming, so...

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay, guys.

So Wing Wang Wong over here

is going to give up his seat for you.

Right there.

Already, I'm making 40, 50 grand

because of this.

Really?

Yeah, I got sued this bitch.

I'll see you next time. Wang Wong over here is going to give up his seat for you.
Right there. Already I'm making 40, 50 grand because of this.

Really?

Yeah, I got sued this bitch.

I'll sue American Airlines.

This is crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're not allowed to be mean.

Can I just finish the manifest fucking premise?

I don't know if people care about manifest.

I want to just talk about it. All right, give it up.

Go ahead and talk about it.

You want to do that?

Go ahead.

I'm in the thing now.

I want to know. I do want to know.
All right. I'm just going to give you the premise to see if you like it.
I ahead and talk about it. You won't do that? Go ahead.
I'm in the thing now. I want to know.

I do want to know.

All right.

I'm just going to give you the purpose to see if you like it.

I know.

What is it?

All right.

Tell me.

All right.

Okay.

So there's an announcement saying that anyone to take this voucher.

So the brother and sister, right?

I will take it because the brother, one of his kids has cancer.

It's like it'll help.

Anything will help. Right.
So the brother and sister and the kid with cancer stay. The rest of the family leave.
They take a later flight. On the later flight, they're flying.
There's turbulence. There's kind of a blackout.
The plane is shaking. They go down.
And they think they're going to die, but all of a sudden,

you know.

They level out.

They level out.

The power comes back on.

And they go,

sorry about the,

you know,

that was crazy.

And then,

so they're approaching

JFK or whatever.

Let me guess.

What?

Yeah, guess.

This is what I want.

They time traveled.

Yeah.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Seriously? Yeah. In the past or the future the future well that's what you have to guess um i think everything's going retro now so the past they go went back to the past no oh they went future well i mean you have a kid that has cancer they're gonna go in the past what in the 1700s funny it's gonna fucking dead there's no chemo back then funny it is funnier very funny it's funnier to put him back then it is funnier because they kill you on the spot they go he's sick kill him yeah yeah alright so they go in the future how long in the future 100 years 5 years 5 is a little bit short that feels like it's very short yeah yeah I was hoping 5 years 5 years okay 5 years because the people I know they don't want to change the wardrobe that's not what it is it's just that the people will flew ahead of them they still need to be in the show whether they're fucking a thousand years old now yeah that's funny because the kid the kid with cancer has a sister who's a twin she's now right she flew before him oh right so now the kid is still eight with cancer and his sister who is a twin is now 12 or whatever.
I don't know what I... Right?

Well, 8, 8, 5... the kid is still eight with cancer and his sister who is a twin is now 12 or what I don't know whatever right well five years 13 or whatever right so it's like no I danced it in my head too I literally went so that's the premise of the show I like that yeah five years in the future five and a half years but the kid with cancer is but now technology now is advanced so the procedure that didn't exist five and a half years.
But the kid with cancer is- But now technology now- Is advanced. Is advanced.
So the procedure that didn't exist five and a half years ago. Well, the Indian girl is the actual person that created it.
And she's on the flight with that. She's on the flight too, right? So she's right before the turbulence, she's emailing the doctor or whatever she works with and saying that, I found the thing.
You know what I mean? Oh cure yeah or yeah so five years in the future yeah and this kid's cured a cancer not yet I mean I'm only the first season he's not cured yet imagine if he dies at the end of the first season I'd love it all that for nothing yeah I'd love it what he should do is you just get back on a bunch of planes keep taking planes and keep time skipping until they're 30-40 years in the future then he's definitely gonna to live through it it was a one thing anomaly one time deal one time anomaly but let's come up with something turbulence like that like that but what happens instead of going in the path tell me what happens you and I are on a flight in the middle of the night we're going to Cancun oh yeah let's talk about that so us three us three on the flight Cancun we're flying and she's nervous so she's got to poo okay Rudy goes in the bathroom just like in Lost Dominic Monaghan is shooting heroin in the bathroom we need a reason for it can she be shooting heroin sure poo or heroin either one she could be pooing doing heroin she's Filipino so she's smoking like ice smoking like ice oh she's smoking meth meth like smoke yeah ice yeah she's oh that's what ice is well hawaiian in hawaii they call it ice yeah that's right so you're smoking meth and then like there's a scene where you're sitting there and you're you have all that stuff out and then there's a no smoking sign right and she does something rebellious like she spits on it yeah yeah right on the no smoking sign a close-up of the sign and it just a chogie just wobbles down wobbles down and then she because it's network tv probably the show that we're doing this is network yeah yeah this is on nbc you can just see the smoke you don't really see you doing that well you see her go and then light the lighter and then as she goes to smoke it, it pans up to the no smoking. Right.
Very good. With the spit that comes down.
I would love to. Yeah, yeah.
So then we know she's smoking meth in the bathroom. Right.
You, of course, are. In first class.
In first class. I am.
Coach. Coach.
Middle seat. Middle seat between two conjoined twins.
What? They're conjoined at the head. So their heads are above me.
I didn't know. I'm below their heads.
That's good writing. Have you ever seen the two girls that their heads are joined? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know those two girls? Look up the two girls. I can't.
Please, I want to see it. No, no, wait, wait, wait.
For reference. Wait, wait, hold on.
For reference. Don't do it.
But for reference. Wait, this is for the show.
We're making our show. This is our manifest.
Do the ones where they're grown the teenager ones the teenager ones they drive they drive together they date yeah yeah oh they're at the body yeah they're at the body dude they're not at the head oh why don't i think they were at the head so it's two heads one how about how about this this that's funny there's a great song one on one end so she's with the two heads the two heads you could do a bit where it's you know, because you could do a bit where one of the head is coming into your space. Right.
Asking me for asking me, can I have some of that? Right. So you do a comedy thing where you kind of do a yawn.
Yeah. And you're trying to push one of the heads towards their space.
Yeah. And the other, and her head knocks against her sister's head.
The other one on the other side is somebody without a head. Oh, good.
Somebody. No, no.
Maybe their head didn't develop. It's down here.
Maybe it's down here on the shoulder. Yeah, shoulder head.
Right, so it's almost as like you do a joke like, you know, I wish I could just... Can I just...
I just want to swap a swap. Right, something like that, i mean shoulder head shoulder head okay so that's where i am and i'm in the middle seat right but i'm scrunched up and i just it's it's southwest so that it's funnier if i was there you are there no you would be the you have to be in first you're on your way i'm in coach you're on your way back let's get there you're in first class i'm in first class you're on your way back.
Let's get there. You're in first class.
I'm in first class. You're hanging out.
What happens?

Your iPad dies.

Shit.

And you don't have a charger.

Charger at all.

So you go, Santino's got one.

Yeah, but you don't have chargers in coach.

I have one in my bag for when we land.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Why can I?

Because you're trying to swap seats.

You come back and go.

But why can't I just grab?

Because this is in writing, right? Yeah. I could just grab the charger and just, I'll just grab it and I'll bring it back.
No. You say, hey, can I have your charger? My iPad died.
And I say, well, you have to sit in this seat. Right.
And then there's a bit where I look at both of them. Right? And I have to think.
And then me and you both go, I know. I wish you could.
Like we both get it. We both get it.

We have a little laugh.

And then you switch seats with me.

Now on my way to first class, I close the curtain.

I say goodbye to you.

I give you a little wink-a-doodle.

I got a good one.

What?

I got a good one.

When we land, right?

I've proposed to one of them.

Like literally.

Shoulder head? Or double down? No, even the one on the other side. Like literally.
Shoulder head?

Or double down?

No, even the one on the other side.

There's two heads, right?

The one at the window, I somehow develop a relationship.

Oh, neck head.

But this one right here hates me.

Okay, okay, I get that.

But we're getting engaged.

So you're getting engaged.

To the one on the right.

Oh, to one of the double downs.

Yes.

Don't call them double downs.

Double down.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's their name, the double downs.
Yeah. So Double Downs.
I'm going to get in trouble for this. Why? It's a movie.
Yeah, this is- It's a movie. It's a TV show, first of all.
It's a TV show. It's a TV show.
It's our show on NBC. So here's the deal.
You propose to the Double Down on the right. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. I'm in first class.
Yeah. You get up because you need to find Rudy Jules.

Right.

But can I just say this, though? Yeah.

I'll just throw something else in.

Yeah.

When I'm coming to get the charger and you go, let's exchange, right?

Maybe I do it because there's something even worse in first class.

That's sitting next to you.

That's sitting next to me on first class.

What is it?

It's either like Eric Griffin.

So dick. So mean.
No, who else? Who is somebody that. No, it's a kind of person.
It's a kind of person. Yeah.
Right. Somebody that's going to Houston.
Right. To be on 600 pound life.
So you've got a 600 pound human being next to you. Yeah.
And they're falling into your seat.

They're folding into your seat. They're melting into the seat.

Melting into your seat.

Yeah.

So you have to sit there.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

So I'm with the, you know what I mean, double down?

What do you call it?

Double downs.

I'm with the double downs and the no down.

You're the double down and the no neck.

No neck.

And the head neck.

Sorry, and the shoulder head.

Yeah.

Shoulder head.

Maybe there's a funny thing about like, you know, going, so have you guys flown this airline before? And then they go, yeah, we have. Anyway.
Wait, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, like, that i like that yeah yeah i like that okay so she's got she's got to get to the bathroom she's been smoking meth for quite a while yeah so what's going on with her she hits her meth she hits her rock yeah i mean it could be a funny moment check this out what she comes out of the bathroom she opens the door yeah and nobody's in the plane it's totally empty we're here we're rudy's pov she's ripped up on meth and she opens up and every seat is empty check this out yeah the door of the plane is open yeah logic ensues Cabin pressure would be gone How am I still breathing? How am I still alive? Man, this meth must be really good But she walks around for a second to look into the seats And then she freaks out So she runs back into the bathroom, closes the door And is like, come on, chill out This is just you, you You're doing this to yourself. You're freaking out, right? Oh, so what you're saying is that the ice, smoking the ice, puts her in a different dimension.
Correct. Or a plane.
Correct. Right.
So she can visit this plane and dimension every time she smokes ice. But watching it, just as a viewer, I'm watching it.
It's like she's just on drugs. You know what I mean? That's what she's seeing.
But it's pain medication. What? We insert a part of the story where because of her face and stuff and who she is, and something's wrong with her.
You can tell when you look at her, something's wrong with her. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And she needs the ice to survive. So people that are judging, like, she's doing drugs.
Like, no, she needs it for medication. Ice.
Ice. She meth crystal meth crystal meth right as a medication so check this out what this is rudy's pov this is actually rudy's show people don't know this rudy goes back in the bathroom smokes rock again yeah now when she opens the airplane door yeah she's somewhere completely different where you tell me kid right and so it's called rudy's ice Rudy's Eyes that's the name of.
Right. And so it's called Rudy's Ice.
Rudy's Ice. That's the name of the show.
That's what it's called. Rudy's Ice.
So when she goes back into different dimensions, she has to solve some of the issues, right? Like she has to go back into the plane where we were because a terrorist tried to take over the plane. The guy who was sitting next to me, 600-pound life, he was actually going to take over the plane.
That's what's really going on.

Yeah.

He's like, I'm taking over this airplane.

Right.

Right.

And he goes up to the – he holds one of the flight attendants hostage.

So Rudy now has to get back to that flight.

She has to save everyone's life.

It's like – you know what it's like?

Yeah.

You know what it's like?

What?

My name is Earl.

You know what? He has to go fix all of his problems from his past.

Yeah.

But it's my name is Rudy.

It's Rudy's ice, but she has to save people's lives.

First of all, I just want to say this.

You're making it way – first of all, I don't like the fact that it's her show. It's her show.
No, I don't like the fact that it's her show. Why not? Because you're throwing out this...
Listen, I like the idea. Yeah.
I like the idea, right? Rudy's Ice. That's a great...
Keep that as the title. Do you like this show? No.

Rudy's eyes, right?

I love Rudy's eyes.

Here's what I don't like.

It's almost as if we establish these great relationships with the double head.

We'll come back.

No head, right? We'll be back.

We have the 600-pound guy in the front, right?

We're coming back.

I mean, we would land, and then we all have a purpose together.

What is our purpose?

So we land, right?

Mm-hmm. Right? That's a...
Every time I land. have a purpose together.
What is our purpose? So we land, right?

Eee, right?

That's a eee. Every time I land.

Welcome to LA.

Eee, right?

Bum, bum, bum, bing, bing, bing.

But it's not.

When we land, it's eee, right?

We don't hear welcome to.

Guys, and we look out the window

in either one of two things.

One thing is we just see carriages like cowboy. Yee-haw! Right? Okay.
We're in the Wild West now? Wild West, yeah. I like that.
Yeah. You know what I mean? All that stuff, right? Or we land, right? And it's like hovercrafts.
The Jetsons type of shit. Or.
Or. I got it even better.
we're underwater no no that's good that's good but here i have a fourth one okay we land we look at the window and we see everyone either in the out there either 600 pounds uh-huh or with the double heads oh that's everybody that's everybody oh man that's everybody so we're in the lands of the fat and the double downs. Or the no heads.
Oh, the no heads. Yeah, yeah.
Right, right. And us three are the only ones with singular heads.
Right. And it's sort of like a reverse racism thing.
We're the outcasts. We're the outcasts.
And we get shamed. Right.
Right? So during the movie, there's a scene where I go to like a mannequin store or whatever, and I chop off a mannequin head, and I put it on my shoulder just so that I can put it. So you can be one of them? So you walk around the little man? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then like we have a scene where Rudy gets a fat suit. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right, right, right. And then we have a thing where you, right, we get a shirt, right, a mechanism Where the shirt ends here So you're like this really tall Weird guy, you know what I mean? With no head This is great And so we're walking around town Me with no head You with the second head And Rudy, 600 pounds But she's trying to fight ice in this world she's trying to find ice somehow she's jonesing she's jonesing for ice jonesing for ice yeah we don't know the economy now we don't know what the fuck is going what's money I don't know how they trade yeah yeah this is good and then we get shamed right and bullied it's a good message.
It's like a coming-of-age tale that also involves crystal methamphetamine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like it. You like it? Rudy Zeiss.
Rudy. Rudy Zeiss.
I think that's it. Do you like this show? Will you do this show? We have to go to.
What if we pitch this? We have to go to NBC. Can you imagine us pitching this for real? I swear to God we can get a meeting.
We won't get it sold. So what? But we can have the meeting.
Can I say something real? Oh, my God. I'm not joking.
Yeah. Can we somehow set up a meeting to go to NBC, pitch this show, dead serious? Yeah.
Okay? Pitch this show and film it. Oh, my God.
We'll blank out their faces and stuff. I understand that.
But that would, number one. Kick us out of the business forever.
We may never get another pitch again. I know, but that's funny.
It is funny. And number two, I think I would be laughing so hard.
What if they bought it? By the way, we're not being- But the network notes. You don't remember the network notes? Okay, let's go to cable.
Let's go to cable. No, rewrite the pilot, right? Okay.
We send it in, right? What are the notes like? We can't. The show can't be based on crystal meth, guys.
Yeah, it can't be crystal meth. Can it be crack? No, they'll say, can it be like she has a pharmaceutical pill addiction? That's what they'll say.
Oh, that's what they'll say. Yeah, something that.
Okay, how about another thing? More deadly, but more normal. So guys, there's not enough diversity in the show.
That's the first note. Yeah, can we make the double-headed guy black? Puerto Rican? We need a Puerto Rican in there.
And then we're like, we're trying to find a double-headed, like a real person. We don't want to CGI it.
Right. You know how like in movies now.
Hard to cast. We will make the double-headed person black.
I would do that as a writer, right? We would change that. 100%.
Yeah. Does it matter with the headless? That's the pitch To a networking executive That would be an argument Does it matter? Does it matter with the headless? But they're going to say We're going to see his hands We'd love some racial diversity Yeah we're going to see So we'll make the You know what? Does it matter with the headless? Oh my god That would be great So what is the headless person? Yeah You see arms yeah i'll just say um and the headless person once you put gloves out it'll be ambiguous but they can see your forearm oh the forearm unless we're wearing short long sleeves the whole show we'll make it yellow so it'll be asian so it's an asian guy yeah we'll make the asian all right be asian guy yeah asian okay perfect i already cast it right now oh you already know who it is he'd be great he would be good as a headless man so now the black the fat guy the fat guy in the seat in the front yeah let me ask you this what if what if i'm the executive you're you and i really did write this okay this is a note and i want to see what you would say perfect so the 600 pound guy can he be 300 no no 300 is not big 400 Not big enough I'm telling you We need 600 pound It's kind of the metric Of Of Of obesity Like the show 600 pound life It's very famous So we need a 600 pounder Yeah but how do But then A crane A crane You need a crane I know but, but do you know anybody? Reality show.
No, but would you? Get them off a reality show. No, we have to get an actor.
Oh, there's no 600-pound actors. No, we make an actor eat the food.
Oh, we make someone do that for the role. Yeah, it's called, what do you call it? A method.
A method actor. We get gotta method it out.
So Matthew McConaughey, he lost all that weight for Dallas Buyers, now he's gotta gain 450 pounds for our show. Yeah.
I think he would do it. You think so? Just him blobbing out in the seats like, all right.
Or you know who would do it? Christian Bale. Bale would do it in a heartbeat.
Bale could do it like that. Well, how big was the woman that was in What's Eating Gilbert Grape? She was big.
250. 250? literally no chance 300 way more no she had to been four or five hundred there's no way there's no way i'm telling you dude i'm telling you she was let's take a guess what's eating gilbert grape what's eating gilbert what's gilbert's last name you're gilbert gilbert galan what's eating gilbert galan gilbert grape here her name was darlene cates and by the way we're not making fun of uh overweight people but darlene uh darlene darlene darlene darlene darlene darlene darlene i love that song it's jolene jolene yeah jolene yeah yeah darlene cates was an american actress rest in peace she died a couple of years ago she was fucking incredible in this movie yeah how much did the mom weigh okay because that's the first question asked on google 500 pounds told you wow kates has been bedridden and weighed 500 pounds get her she's dead she died i just said that so we gotta get her anyway still gotta get her okay we'll revive her then yeah yeah she died at 69 huh 2017 we can't get her sadly you know what i i we should make this a movie so not a TV show yeah because all this network stuff is driving me crazy well because you're going through notes right now yeah because the notes and stuff they're going to change it all I want it to be ice you know what you could do though you just say when somebody's like hey here's a note just be like I think that's racist that's all you have to do is say I think that's racist and they'll go oh I didn't know and then you're like yeah we don't want to have nothing to do with the race like that's the whole point that's the whole point you know i mean ready i'll say this is what really okay so i'll they go bobby they go bobby check this out in the show in the korean spa show yeah so one of the network notes that i think we all kind of collectively didn't really enjoy is there's a little bit of you want to be nude in it and you want to do a thing where you windmill your penis around when you get out of the steam room where you windmill it around and you go, hey.
Yeah, yeah. We just, I don't think that's good for the show.
That's racist. We'll leave it in.
I think it's a good, I think it's a great, I think in fact not only should you windmill it, I think you should also tuck it. I get with that, right? Tuck it, flap it, flop it.
I know. Smack it, pull it, pop it.
What if something as simple as this, though? Pop it. Right.
You're the right writer.

Right.

So you know that scene where Jimmy, who's a white guy?

Yeah.

Right?

And he's eating corn.

You know what I mean?

Can it be carrots?

That's racist.

You can't see?

How?

That's racist.

How?

What about Jimmy?

He needs to eat carrots.

What do you mean?

Why does he need to eat carrots instead of corn?

Because...

Thank you. How? That's racist.
How? What about Jimmy? He needs to eat carrots. What do you mean? Why does he need to eat carrots instead of corn? Because...
Carrots have a long history of oppression of white people. No.
Yes, they are. Carrots were thrown at white people for many, many years.
Really? On stage. Yes.
You know that Carrot Farms is sponsoring... No, they're giving us money? Yeah.
Oh, he'll be eating carrots all day. Okay.

Okay, good. So there we go.
That doesn't work then.

It's the money thing, though.

Money trumps race. Money trumps race.

I see.

Rudy, do you want to do any of this stuff? She doesn't even want to participate today.

Yeah, what's up? We're over here just having a good time.

What do you think of Rudy's eyes, Rudy? Rudy, it's your show.

I like it. It's fun.
She's on this show, isn't she? I know. Yeah, we do have the Bobby Lees ready for a phone call.
Oh, the band. The Bobby Lees wanted to call us.
The Bobby Lees. We're about to get a phone call from the band, the Bobby Lees.
Because I've known about them for a couple years, but I was like, you know what I mean? Who is this Bobby Bobby Lee? Hello? Hello, this is Bobby Lee.

Am I talking to the Bobby Lees?

Hey!

Hey!

What's up?

We're talking to two of us.

One of us is in the bathroom, and the other one is not feeling well today.

What's going on?

The other one in the bathroom, does he have diarrhea or something?

I don't think so.

I just texted him to get back out here. Mackie, our drummer, is in the back room.
And who's sick? Nick, our guitar player, is sick. He thinks he has pneumonia.
Is it COVID? It's COVID. It's the Delta variant.
I bet it's the Delta variant. Is it Delta? It's Delta.
Is it United or Delta? Which one? So guys, guys, I've known about your band for a couple of years and i've always like really yeah i have so who is they was there a teacher or i mean why are you guys called the bobby lees it's kind of random it was like a it was an accident i guess that were named that i had written a song called bobby lee which was um like from our first record and it was i used to have these kind of psychotic episodes where i thought i was possessed by different people and i named one of them bobby lee and it was not supposed to be the band name but then we got our first show and uh we didn't have a name so i picked that very temporarily and i did not know that there was a famous comedian named that. And then once we started playing shows, I definitely became aware of who you were because everyone asked, are you based on, hey, Mackey's in the car.
What's going on? We told him, he asked if you had diarrhea. Oh, yeah, totally.
Well, why do you have diarrhea right now bud you know man put stuff in my body it just i get it bro i don't really know but but something in there just gets all tangled in a web of lies and deceit comes out painfully i get i get where do you guys live in the midwest where do you guys live we're live we're in woodstock new york oh upstate new york yeah yeah because i think i listened to when i found out about your but i think i listened to one of your songs i really liked it but then i was like confused about why you guys are called the bobby leaves but now um that you explained it um yeah but i still want to hear more the demonic so you had demonic visions of people as are you being real um yeah no i i mean i used to have a really bad drinking issue and i would start to hallucinate there's a thing called like alcoholic schizophrenia that i didn't know about until i had it um and i quit drinking and now i very not very often do i think um i'm possessed well can i get that can we get some of the like the um the psychology behind it like where does the word bob word Bobby come? Who is Bobby in your life, and what does Lee mean to you? How did that happen? Do you know what I mean? I have no idea. I was sitting in an apartment, and I used to think my radiator was talking to me at the time.
I knew I shouldn't be talking. No, no, no.
We like it because I'm a recovering drug addict and alcoholic myself. And I relate to those psychotic breaks.
I mean, I've had them myself. You know what I mean? So I think it's interesting.
And I believe you. Are you sober now? Yeah, I am.
Yeah. Congrats.
For how long? Six years. Bobby's going on.
Now I only have a couple years. At 17 years, I relapsed

and now I have a couple years. Here's what

I want to do. I know because

of COVID and the pandemic, it's probably

touring's out the window, but

if you guys ever play in LA

at the Troubadour, any of these places, or

Spaceland, is that still there?

I think so. Give us a call

and we'd love to come see you.

Yeah, we would love

you to come. We actually start

touring next month and we'd love to come see you. Yeah, we would love you to come.
We actually start touring next month, and we're going to be in L.A. in November.
I don't know what date yet or where, but we will be there. Please reach out.
We'd love to come and see you. Yeah.
Are you writing a song right now called The Andrew Santino by any chance or no? If you want us to. Write a called andrew santino please please make it angry and aggressive have you guys ever heard our show at all or no we heard about it when someone said we were on it and we were very excited right but i knew about you andrew i saw you on um i'm dying up here which i thought was awesome oh thanks yeah well we.
Yeah. Well, we like you guys.
We think you're cool.

We were interested.

At first, we were going to seek legal action.

Bobby wanted to sue for the likeness of his name.

He was going to sue you guys for 50 million.

That's what he said.

50 million.

Wasn't that the number?

We've made no money yet.

No.

No, we're kidding.

We're kidding.

No, we're kidding.

We're going to see you guys in November.

Thanks so much for talking to us.

We're going to be there.

The Bobby Lees, baby.

Thank you, guys.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for having us on.

Okay, bye.

Much love.

Bye, guys.

Bye.

Bye.

Can we play that video with that woman real fast?

I want you to see this.

This is funny.

It's not.

This whole Karen thing is annoying to me now.

It's like, all right, enough.

Like, it's annoying.

But also, this did make me laugh because of what she does.

Have you never heard of Alicia in the the city uh really really okay we'll wait for the police to clear it up go call him karen please karen call him karen get your phone and call the police i'm just waiting for him to come by pause it so he says which country should i go back to karen because apparently before said, go back to whatever country you're from. Yeah.
The reason she's mad is because these people are running, this is in New York, with their dog off the leash. They're like on a path of the dog off the leash.
She's mad. But here it is.
This is very funny to me. Go ahead.
Huh? Say it. Now you can't get your tongue.
Can't get my tongue? Yeah. Edit it out.
Go ahead, edit. Edit what out? Come on, puppy.
Come on. Pause it.
This psychopath tried to clap their dog into the street. Into a freeway.
Look, I'm not cool with it, but I was like, this woman's so fucking nuts. That's crazy.
Come on, puppy. On camera.
Imagine if the puppy ran out there. A Mack truck runs the puppy over, right? Look at this.
What do you think would happen to her? Nothing. No.
Nothing. She'd run away.
But she's on tape. I know.
There was a video out of a white woman calling out a puppy ontopping a puppy into the freeway And the fucking truck ran him over This woman would be Gone Her whole life would just disappear Play it again when she goes in the street It's not funny Come on puppy I'm sorry I hate this girl I hate this woman I'm not okay with it obviously I have a dog I love dogs but it made me laugh at how insane it was because she didn't know what to do because they got her and she's like okay I'm gonna double down she doubled down hard I'm gonna clap your dog into the street what do you like this woman Rudy no if she does that I would kill her what would you do would you admit violence on her you would the boys like, Rudy? No, if she does that, I would kill her. What would you do? Would you admit violence on her? You would.
The boys like it. Yeah? Honestly, be honest.
If she killed Stubbs. Woof.
Stubbs. Woof.
Even you? I would kill her for killing Stubbs. You love Stubbs.
Your other dogs, not as much, but Stubbs for sure. Is the best.
Oh, my God. So if she, Stubbs, you know, because Stubbs is a great dog.
Phenomenal. You know what I would do? What? Look at this.
You know what I would fucking do? I would fucking, you know what I would do? I would fucking, I would do that thing in Game of Thrones. What? Tie her up.
I would tie her up and I would take the bucket, a bucket, right? A wooden bucket, right? And put 15 rats in there. Tie it to her stomach.
Then light this end, right? So the fucking rats dig through her stomach and eat away through her spine to escape. And while she's screaming, fuck you! Fuck you! My fucking dog, man.
You don't fuck with my dog, That's so fucked I like that though You're standing up for stuff No it was really good I hate this woman That's what would happen I know She would die She's nuts I would just I would cut off Slowly Little tiny bits of her Pieces of her body Well you know Have you ever seen Have you ever seen a video Of like a blade saw That's spinning fast And And if you push stuff up to it, it just disappears. Oh, no.
I've got something better at it. I've got something better.
Pol Pot. Pol Pot.
Pol Pot. What did Pol Pot do? So you take bamboo, right? And at the edge of the bamboo, you make like spikes.
Sharp. Sharp.
And bamboo grows gradually. Right.
Right? Right. And so what he would do, Pol Pot would tie kids to a wall.
Oh tie people kids oh my god oh my god and put like spikes of bamboo in their fingers in their fingers and it would just slowly grow into their right but i would do that to her titties okay but she killed my dog i get it context she guessed it she's got it she gets what she deserves yeah yeah let me tell you something the funniest thing that happened stubs was brought to the improv to the braille improv two things one the moment that warmed my heart with stubs is i had my arms like this on your at your house yeah i'm sitting on the um stoop yeah and my this hole in my arm right here yeah it's perfect for what a dog a dog head yeah stubs walks up behind me and puts right through this hole and then leans on my on my hip i almost fucking i almost fell into i almost i could if if god gave me a heart attack yeah with the dog like that yeah fine if my heart was like and stopped yeah stubs on my hip fine the best fine it warmed my soul and i sat there and i couldn't believe it i looked around i was like Stubbs on my hip, fine. The best.
Fine. It warmed my soul.
And I sat there and I couldn't believe it.

I looked around.

I was like.

So Stubbs came to the improv.

And this made me laugh harder than I've ever laughed.

Bobby is trying to order Stubbs food.

They have a full kitchen at the improv.

Okay.

And Rudy says, get him some chicken.

Right.

Get Stubbs some chicken.

Bobby says, get me two chicken strips. So they get you two chicken strips and then what do you say just take off the breading you could have just ordered chicken the whole time you could have just ordered chicken so they got you a bunch of chicken strips and then he was trying to peel off the breading of the chicken and we were like why you just order grilled chicken? Because the breading could be pre-packaged that way, right? Like frozen.
Uh-huh. Like, you know.
Yeah, they're frozen for sure. Yeah, right.
So like when you go to McDonald's, you get chicken nuggets, right? They don't put the breading on the fucking chicken. It's already on there.
Yeah. Right? Yeah.
So I thought that the chicken strips are pre-breaded. They are.
Yeah And I didn't know that they had regular chicken So I just got two chicken strips So I could take the breading off You thought they didn't have regular chicken? No Okay Okay How bizarre That's not weird It is It's not Did you think they had regular chicken? No You guys are weird No you're weird I think in this scenario Honestly You're weird because it's like sandwiches They have chicken patties I don't eat at comedy clubs I don't know the menu Right You've never eaten at a comedy club You had a pretzel every time we've gone down there Yeah that's the only thing because I know that because I saw somebody else eat it It's like oh they have pretzels here You didn't look at the menu once No So my point is is that I know every place has chicken strips Yes Everything yes right so i'm like and chicken sandwiches yeah maybe breaded pre-frozen i don't know if it's grilled okay yeah so i think my logic my logic is correct in this no oh yeah 100 i'm telling you no and you're so funny you're trying to shame me when it comes to logic the first thing that i would get i would say is do you guys have chicken breast yes we do yeah can i have some yeah that's where i'd go yeah but since i don't eat a comedy class i don't know what the fuck they have you've never eaten you didn't eat when you were coming up you didn't eat when you were coming up here's another thing you never ate at the improvs on the way up here's another thing all right the improvs a lot of them are attached to an umami burger well they used to be where they used to be they used to be, right? Yeah, copper blues now. So in my head, right, I know that menu, right? They don't have a grilled chicken sandwich on that menu.
At umami burger? Yeah, they have a breaded chicken sandwich. That's pre-breaded.
So you do eat at comedy clubs? Umami burgers, yeah. And so if I want to look at that menu, there is no grilled chicken.
So in my logic- All you know is umami burger. Yeah, so in my head, like, you know what I mean? Okay.
So so you're wrong about this and it's so funny when you're wrong you get all no i'm not wrong red yeah look at you no you would ask for chicken breast no you wouldn't yeah you would no well i can't even i can't even ask the boys because they don't know any better no one would side you with you on this okay fellas pete what would you ask for a chicken breast or chicken strips and ask to peel off the breading? I'd ask if they had grilled chicken, probably.

Do you have a chicken breast?

And they would go, yeah.

It's funny.

A Pete who's never been to a comedy club before.

Yes, he has.

Pete, have you been to a comedy club?

Of course.

How many?

Through five?

Yeah.

Five.

That's it.

I've been to all of them.

Now watch this.

Watch this. Yeah.
George. Now watch this.
Watch this.

Yeah.

George.

Yeah.

He's lying already.

He went.

He got excited.

George, would you ask for, how would you phrase it?

Would you say, do you guys have chicken?

Or would you say, give me chicken strips, and then in your mind, you're just going to

peel off the breading?

I would go with the chicken strips, probably.

I knew it.

Also, could I just say this?

Dude.

It's not that big of a deal.

Do you know what a dingleberry is?

You.

Do you know what I'm saying? going to peel off the breading. I would go with the chicken strips probably.
I knew it. Also, could I just say this? Dude.
It's not that big of a deal.

Do you know what a dingleberry is? You.

Do you know what a dingleberry is? Yeah, I do. It's like a piece of

toilet paper that gets caught in your poo hairs,

in your butt hairs. I thought it was a little round ball of

poo that's in. Typically, it's because toilet paper gets caught

in there and stuff like that. It's poo and

toilet paper and hair. It's all in your hair.
A dingleberry is

just the round ball of poo. There's no toilet paper.

No, yeah, usually it's because. There's no toilet paper.
Yeah, residue. Residue.
Anyway. But don't say toilet paper.
Toilet paper and hair. It's all in your hair.
A dingleberry is just the round ball. There's no toilet paper in it.
No, yeah, usually it's because. There's no toilet paper.
Yeah, residue. Residue.
Residue. Anyway.
But don't say toilet paper. Toilet paper.
George is your dingleberry. Chicken strips.
George is your dingleberry. And will hold on to your poo hair as hard as he can.
Regardless, even if he knows that he would clearly ask for chicken breast. Now, ask me if George is my dingleberry.
Is George your dingleberry? But that's not necessarily why he's saying that. Yes, it is.
I think it's logic. George, do you not think you're Bobby's dingleberry? No, I'm like...
Kalilah's dingleberry for sure. Who are you more afraid of? Kalilah or me? Be honest.
That'd be Kalilah. Yeah.
Oh, really's you're that much more scared of her she's so

pleasant what are you scared of she's maleficent maleficent yeah what a film yeah wait really are you really scared of kalilah well if she's if she's angry it actually means something and if he's angry what it's a day of the week oh man hold on let me put on my seatbelt

I don't think that's it dude i think that my anger right you know that i'm half joking yeah right whereas kalilah it's full commitment there's no joke or when she's angry you know i could be i yell for no reason i could be fake angry or yeah trying to make a false scene right where's kalilah is like really angry when she's angry and it's scary when she's mad she's actually very mad yeah no i get it i get it yours so i just want to say that the chicken strip thing that you had planned it's not planned stop for a for a second. It's not planned.
Can I talk? It's half of my podcast as well. Barely.
All right. It's so funny because the chicken strip grilled chicken.
It was so stupid. It backfired in your stupid face.
See? You're starting shit. And you look like a fool today, bud.
And I think that we're not cutting that out. I just want the audience to know that you're a fool oh okay you're a fool who's dumber you or me you're much smarter than I am but in this specific situation scenario you're the dumb one and you're foolish but see what an idiot would do is not understand the logic of asking for a chicken breast prior to asking for chicken strips so what smart smart people do, what smart people do is...
If I'm at a Mexican restaurant, I'm not going to say, hey, do you guys have jambalaya? You're not a... The improv isn't a Mexican restaurant.
I'm not going to go to like... The improv is a fucking comedy club that has bar food and almost every bar in the world has a chicken breast sandwich.
It's depending. Some of them have a copper blue attached to them.
Some of them have a fucking mommy burger. Almost every bar has a chicken.
Vote below. Guys, vote below.
There's no voting below. My logic is I know for a fact that when I – Stop.
I have it figured out. When I go to a comic club, they always have chicken strips, right? Yeah.
I've never ordered – first of all, it's also an item I've never ordered. I've never ordered chicken without some sort of breading.

I know.

I can see that.

Yeah.

Now you go to, because you're losing the argument, now you go to body shaming.

You call me a fool.

So you insulted me twice.

So me insulting you is only even.

You go to body shaming.

You insulted me.

You called me a fool.

So yes, I'm going to do that to you.

But let me show you the logic.

It might be hard for you to pick up. And that's condesc condescending check it out now watch stop now watch yeah yeah so here starting point right starting point bobby bobby needs right over here chicken for the dog right instead of going hey do you have chicken for the dog bobby stopped off at the gas station over here for cigarettes and red bull and went do do you guys have chicken strips? Yeah, we do.
Okay, good. So now I have chicken.
But also, I need to come over here. Let's go back.
Okay. Let's go back.
Okay. Yeah.
Hey, do you have chicken? No, no, no. A to B.
Let me do mine. Let me do mine.
Do you have chicken? We do. Good.
Instead, you went over here. No, no, let me do mine.
Down here. No, no.
I'll get chicken strips. I'll peel them off.
No. No.
Just do you have chicken we do good instead you went over here let me do down here no no i'll get chicken strips i'll peel them off so no just do you have chicken then if they said no then you oh do you have chicken strips we do so that's it all right this is my dog right this is me right okay that's the waitress yeah okay are you making an insult about the way the person that served us it's just there's only three items on the fucking but look at that. Look at that.
So it's like this. Now this person, me, right, has 50,000 things going on.
Like what? In charge of the lineup, who's going what, I'm worried about her. There's so many things going on.
So why did you have to handle the chicken? Right? So what I'm saying is that people are barking, Kalilah is trying to feed, right, you guys brought something out of the car that was like kind of, you didn't know if it was fresh or not. Do you remember you said that? So you went to Kalilah and go, is this fresh? I have all these things going on in my head.
Right. In terms of lineups.
And I saw that the food, that dog food that you had in your hand that couldn't. So I don't know.
I don't know what they have. I don't have time to look at the menu.
So I go, just give me some chicken strips so we can. In my head, it's like it's not that hard.
It's not. Yeah.
And you're making a big deal out of fucking nothing. Thank you for being a bad friend.
They always remake movies. I think the new training day, you should be denzel's part no oh yeah hey let's remake dude how funny would be training day remade same script but we put jewels as denzel washington how great would that be it wouldn't make any sense it'd be so weird but i would love to see it you want to do it and and ethan hunt what and ethan no we got to get so many other someone ridiculous as ethan hunt who should we get andreas yeah andreas andreas is ethan hunt yeah yeah i want to play the cuba gooding journey part was that no that? Yeah.
Is that that same movie? Right. No, that's that's American.
American Gangster. American Gangster.
And then Cuba. I think American Gangster would be another good remake we could do.
Yeah. With Jules.
Absolutely. Yeah.
There's just so many movies. If they remade it with you in it, that would just change it, but it better in a weird way.
Here's another one. Jewel starring in First Blood, Rambo.
Yeah. Just her walking down the street when Brian Dennehy, you know, he's in his cop car and looks through his rear view window and sees, you know what I mean, sees John Rambo, you know, with his green fatigues walking down the street.
I think that right there would get a 20 minute laugh in the theater. Yeah.
And then you're like, hey, buddy, what are you doing around here, man? You know what I mean? And just Jules lightly, like, well, I just want to get something to eat,

you know? And then that whole scene

where she's in the cop station

and she escapes and then her falling

off the cliff and then her sewing

herself up.

Let me feel so good. Yeah.
Woo.

Yeah.