Fat Rehab

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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Happy Fourth of July weekend for you.
Everyone good. So good.
I got to Bobby's house for the Fourth of July party, and he made an announcement. He goes, the whites are here.
The whites are here. No, because I was telling everyone at the party, I go, I can't wait for the whites to get here.
It was so brown. Because it was so brown and uncomfortable for me.
Because I grew up in both worlds. Yeah, in Asian and brown.
And white. You had brown white you had brown you had brown yeah it's like if i was let's say i was a jedi right and half my time i grew up in tatooine and half my time i grew up in hoth that you split your time yeah so what do you like more what do i like more so if i was in hoth i'd be like um i can't wait for the sand people to get here like if my fourth of july party was at in hoth and the sand people would probably show up in those woolly mammoths yeah we like to call it the eric griffins and they would show up with eric griffins and they would get up whatever they do with the sticks yeah yeah there they are there we are yeah the sand people that's me right yeah that's you because it's closer to me me right that's how ethnic people and immigrants view white people with that that's kind of how we look we come with weapons and we look very scary and all we're really bringing is a tuna casserole but they're like these whites and in the mask you're mouthing the n-word.
The whole time. Oh, yeah, the whole time.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Racial epithets underneath. Yeah, yeah.
So just let that be known. You guys are sand people.
Sure. I'm a sand people.
So anyway, Sunday, I was like, when are the sand people going to get here? And then all of a sudden, you know, I hear you guys. You heard us coming.
Go, go, go, go, go. You know what I mean? Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.
And you guys came. We came.
And we had not only. Yeah.
But you but you had so much Filipino food.

Yeah.

Which I didn't touch.

You didn't have any of that.

I ate the Mexican food.

You ate the Mexican because there was a taco truck.

There are two options.

You know, like if it was just Filipino, I'd be like, I guess this is it.

Do you like to survive and sustain myself?

Yeah, but I can't do two different ethnicities.

You can only you can only pick one. Yeah.
yeah. That's why I never go to fusion restaurants.
Yeah, we've gone together. Yeah, I hate them though.
What fusion restaurant have we gone together? Parks Finest is fusion. Yeah.
No, that's more Filipino. But it's also Korean barbecue combined.
No, it's not. They do both.
That wasn't Korean barbecue at that park. There's two parks, by the way.
There's one on Vermont. I know.
We've talked about this. Right.
We already talked about that. And the one that you went to was a Filipino restaurant that we know a guy that runs it, right? But they also had a Korean barbecue.
That's not Korean food. There was a Korean guy there.
I was me. Yeah, I was there.
You were there. Yeah, but I'm not working there.

I figure if you're there, you're working.

No, no, no.

They got to put you to work.

So anyway.

I tried the Filipino food.

Did you like any of the stuff?

Who made all that stuff?

It was catered.

Yeah, catered.

What's the stuff that you like the most?

Filipino food.

No, what dishes?

I like the curry curry and the. What's curry curry?

Curry curry, but they did do it with a little accent.

It's not curry curry.

Curry curry.

Curry curry.

Curry curry.

Yeah.

What is curry curry?

It's just curry?

Is it yellow or red?

No, it's pork with like peanut butter sauce.

They have their own version.

Like peanut butter satay.

Ooh, curry curry Philippines.

Philippines.

So what was that?

There was curry curry.

And then there was crab legs sticking out of fried rice.

Yeah, I think that was also curry curry. You guys don't need to leave the legs in there.
You know that. It's yummy.
No, but it was like crawling out of. Yeah, the shells were like crawling out of the dish.
Yeah. Are you that lazy? Take the meat out of the shell.
Sometimes we can't eat. They crack the crab.
Don't crack it. Put it.
Take it out. They crack the crab's brain.
And the crab's like, oh my God. And they rip his body apart.
Yeah. And they stuff it into rice.
into rice right i was like just take the meat out i why were the legs sticking out of the it remember in beetlejuice when all the sculptures came alive oh right that's what it looked like in their on their in their dishes meanwhile the nice little mexican guy outside making tacos yeah delicious you thought you had some that's so good yeah so good so good those guys are the best they bring the flat top by the way he carried everything what the fuck is this that's in beetlejuice when everything comes out that's what the filipino dishes look like yeah right there yeah that's a filipino dish one banana yeah curry curry that's it right there that no that mexican guy carried up a grill upstairs to your house by himself yeah i understand that but can i just nobody helped him because we paid him no but dude that was like no a hundred pounds you don't understand we pay him we paid him dripping in sweat you don't understand friend i literally go you need help and he goes it's okay he was freaking out you know we go pedro how much did you pay Pedro? So we paid like 500 bucks or whatever for him to come.

Right?

To cook.

But I didn't know that.

So I just kept throwing him like hundies.

What's that noise?

What's that noise?

I don't know.

There's a song.

Do you hear that?

Where's that coming from?

What do you have on here? What was that? It it's just my music i don't know what it is but you know why so i have a playlist but the whites love that but this whole playlist is called fallout because in the game fallout they had all 50s music oh so i just anyway is that 50s i don something. So tonight, so tonight, guys.
Tonight we're doing the show. We're doing the show at Bray Improv.
You're coming. Sold out.
Sold out. Right.
And you guys are going to be in for a treat because we have a brand new talent going up on stage. Yeah, you're saying it like they're going to listen to it now.
This will come out way after the show. I know, but anyway, it doesn't matter because what I want to do is I want to she couldn't sleep last night why? I was scared she was scared because she has to do 30 seconds on stage you're having nightmares? yeah come on dude it's fine actually but Kalilah fought me on it she said only one minute and I said you said three I said three minutes we Okay, so he said three, so you got to do three.
We made a deal. One minute.
Raising your voice. It's rude.
Not the answer. And also it makes me angry.
You're going to piss off the papa. So here, I think that we should do, this is what I want.
And let's write it down. Do you have a thing? Yeah, bring it up.
Bring it up so we can write a script. We want to write a script.
I don't know why it's on this. Where's Andreas? Your brother stole him.
Speaking of which, your brother and the other guy from Scissors, they were at your house. They were too, yeah.
You know what Jeremiah brought to your house? Cookies. Chips Ahoy.
Chips Ahoy. Yeah.
And Lay's potato chips. I literally almost grabbed it and threw it into the street.
It's so rude.

Lay's potato chips and cookies.

We got it, Jeremiah.

We got it.

Yeah, yeah.

You went to the 99 cent store.

We get it.

So I don't know who she's bringing up, but let's just suppose it's-

Eleanor.

Yeah, Annie.

I think Annie.

Annie.

Right.

So you're going to say round of applause.

Round of applause.

For Annie Letterman.

For Annie Letterman. Can I say Ate Annie? Sure.
Yeah, sure. Change the script.
God damn. That's fine.
What are you, Bruce Willis? Jesus Christ. I want to say what I want to say.
Fine. Fine.
Round of applause for Ate Annie. Go back.
You got to put Ate Annie. Doesn't know how to spell it and is nervous to do it wrong, but let's see what he does wrong.

Auntie Annie.

That's fine.

That's fine.

Take Ratterman out.

Auntie Annie.

All right.

So then you're going to say – now, I also want you to put in parentheses, right, wait for applause.

Because I don't want her to run the thing, right?

So you got to wait.

Wait for applause. So how many seconds do you think is an applause?

1,000, 2, 1,000, 3, 4, 5 yeah 5 seconds 5 seconds but you have to wait the full 5 even if they've already stopped clapping just sit in it for a minute so I have to count? yeah count into the mic if you go less than 5 seconds I'm gonna make you do it over again so you just count start all over. Right.
So you just count. Not out loud, right? Sure.
Out loud is fine. Yeah, that's fine.
Yeah. One, one thousand.
Two, one thousand. Three, one thousand.
Four, one thousand. Five, one thousand.
Yeah, say it out loud. But say it in- Into the mic.
But say it in the mic and say it in your native tongue. Don't say it in English.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. How do you say thousand? Isang.
They don't count that high because nothing goes up that high. No, there is.
I just forgot. Isang They don't count that high Because nothing goes up that high No there is I just forgot Isang put Un sang put Un sang put Tung sang put Tung sang put Tung sang put Tung sang put Tung sang put Tung sang put Tung sang put Tung sang put Yeah do that Do that Sang put Yeah so One sang put Tung sang put Tung sang put Many sang put And then you gotta And then you got to say, because you have to say after that, you have to say, are you

guys having a good time?

Yeah.

That's very important.

Are you guys having a good time?

You guys having a good time?

So put that.

And then write, this guy knows what I'm talking about.

No.

Cool.

And you got to point, you got to pick a guy.

You got to point a guy in the audience.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Point at a guy. And then here's what you say I'm talking about.
This guy knows what I'm talking about. Point at a guy.

And then here's what you say.

You say, what do you do for a living?

So after you point to the guy, you pick a guy, and you say, what do you do for a living?

So you pick that guy and go, this guy knows what I'm talking about.

What do you do for a living?

And he's going to say something.

Now, it can be one out of, it's not hard.

It's one out of a thousand things, generally. What if he doesn't talk? He will.
Then that's what you say. Oh we got a mute in the audience.
Oh we got a mute in the audience. We're loading you up with good stuff.
If he doesn't talk you go oh we got. What do you do for a living? If he doesn't talk right.
And then say if he doesn't. Oh, we got a mute in the audience.
And then you follow it up with something like. We used to call them.
Well, what's a male Helen Keller? Listen here, Hank Keller, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's good.
Wait for, oh, we got a mute in the audience. Wait for a laugh.
What if they don't laugh? They won't. But just still do the pause, right? And that's the gamble.
That's the gamble. Yeah.
Yes, we got a mute in the audience. I call it the uncomfortable zone.
And then you can say this. Now, let's say he does say his job, you know? If he doesn't, you say, oh, we got to mute.
If he does say his job and his job is sales or, I don't know, what do people do? What are jobs? I don't know. Insurance.
Insurance, yeah. Insurance.
He says his job and right away- I'm an insurance salesman. Right.
What do you say? What do you say? Now, this is great. You don't even have to read the script on this one.
Right. You can just say whatever you want to say.
So if I said to you, I'm an insurance, what do you say? Nice. Nice.
Put that down. Nice.
And then wait for that to you for sure again. No, it's me.
Now you are doing the full time.

No.

Nice.

Wait for laughter.

Wait for laughter.

And then you say, then she's got to transition to something that's like.

No, no.

I think we should go now to.

Okay.

You guys have a good time?

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

What do you do for a living?

What do you do for a living?

Oh, we got a mute in the audience.

Or if he says his job, you just go.

Nice. Anyway.
You guys ready for more about. What do you do for a living? What do you do for a living? Oh, we got a mutiny audience.
Or if he says his job, you just go, nice.

Anyway.

You guys ready for more show?

Are you guys ready for more show?

I can't hear you.

You have to do that. I can't hear you.

I can't hear you.

No matter what the response is.

It doesn't matter if it's super loud.

Even if they're all standing and crying.

I can't hear you.

In fact, you know what?

Yeah. Why don't you you know what? Yeah.

Why don't you guys stand up?

No!

No, no, no.

And make some noise.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or, you know, here's a good old school way.

Let's do a wave.

Let's do a wave.

Let's do a wave.

Let's do a wave.

So what you do is, and you go, I'll start it.

You go, I start that.

And you just get on your knees and you go up like this, right?

And in the front row, they'll all do it.

It'll go through the audience.

Okay?

Let's do a wave.

Let's do a wave.

Okay, then you do a wave.

Then you do a wave.

That takes about, that'll take about a minute.

A couple minutes.

A minute or so.

A minute or so.

Wait for the audience to do a wave.

We're already, hey, look.

I don't think they'll do a wave.

They will.

Yeah, they will. They will.
If you do it. Oh, and when they do the wave do this like you're surfing yeah so you'll start the wave right they do the wave and you just do a surfing oh you know what's better you know what's better you know what's better yeah you divide the room yeah you know what then the you divide the room and you go this half i want you to say bad and that half you say friends so when i point you go bad friends and you can control you go bad friend.
You can go bad bad friends friends bad friends bad friends. You can do that.
You're going to feel like a wizard that could kill so much time. You know Lord of the Rings Saruman.
That's what the kind of stuff he would do. You're going to be casting spells over these people casting spells.
You're going to be bibbidi-bobbidi-booping them with your hand going bad friends bad friends. Yeah.
And you can do it as much. Bad, bad, bad, bad.
And you build it up. And then when they get excited, they go, another wave.
Another wave. Another wave.
Surf's up. Right.
This is great. I can't wait to see this.
And do the fucking thing. Right.
And then you bring up the next comic. That's us.
Oh, it's bring Up the Next Comics. so, this has got to be sincere.

Yeah,

you've got to be honest.

So,

it gives me

the utmost

pleasure

to bring up

two significant

role models.

I mean,

arguably the two

most important people

in your life.

Yeah,

arguably about the two

most important people

in my life.

Look at her face.

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

Yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

Thank you. the two most important people in your life.
Yeah, arguably, yeah. Say arguably about the two most important people in my life.
Mm-hmm. Look at her face.
Don't smoke. Yeah, don't do that.
Don't do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't do that. You know.
It gives me the utmost pleasure. Pleasure.
Arguably. The two most.
Imagine being raised. Yeah, imagine being raised by.
Wolves. Yeah.
That's us. No, hyenas and wolves.

Yes. Or something like two different.

Well, I'm a hyena.

Yeah.

Imagine being raised

by an orangutan

and a panda.

Yes.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the two...

Yeah.

Most important people.

Right?

Arguably the most important people

in my life.

Imagine being raised by an orangutan and a panda. And George, are you coming tonight? He can't.
He's got a baby. Who's coming? Nobody.
Gilbert's trying to come. Gilbert's coming? So tell Gilbert to record her on stage so we want to see if she does it right.
Yeah, that's true. Okay.
Okay. So she's got to be in the audience when she's on stage and he'll be recording it.
And she's going to bring this piece of paper on stage. And then you say, raised by an orangutan and a panda, comma, my Tito's.
My Tito's. Tito Bobby and Tito Andrew.
Yeah. And that's it.
That's all you have to say. That's all you have to say.
This is so simple. So simple.
It's a lot. All right.
So let's. Oh, you have to say, it gives me the utmost pleasure to bring these next people, to bring these next comics to the stage.
Arguably, they're arguably the two most important people in my life. Because it is an argument, because Kalilah is much more important.
They're arguably the two most important people in my life. Imagine me being raised by an orangutan and a panda.
My Tito's. Tito Bobby Tito.
Perfect.

Perfect.

So let's do a rehearsal.

Let's do a little baby rehearsal.

And then we'll move on. And then we'll move forward.

That's all we want.

Little baby one for the pod.

Annie just got off.

She just killed it.

Killed it.

Yeah, people love it.

All right, here comes Rudy.

She's on stage now.

She's on stage.

Go.

Round of applause for Auntie Annie.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, five Mississippi.

Are you guys having a good time?

Yeah.

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

I sure do.

Yeah, yeah.

What do you do for a living?

I'm an insurance.

Nice. Nice.

Great.

You guys ready for more show?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I can't hear you.

Yeah.

Why don't you guys stand up and make some noise?

Okay. Stand up.
Let's do a wave. Let's do a wave.
Good call. All right.
In their minds, they're like, we've never done a wave at a comedy show. This is unbelievable.
We're going to do one. Yeah.
Okay, I'll start. Yeah.
That's great. Woo! Nice.
Yeah. Surf wave.
Surf wave. Surf wave.
Cool. Yeah.
Okay. I'll divide the room.
The right says bad and the left says friends. Yeah.
Okay. Go.
No, you just point. Just point.
Bad. Friends.
Bad. Friends.
Bad. Bad.
Friends. Friends.
Bad. Friends.
Friends. Bad.
Okay.

See, you'll love that.

You'll love that.

Right.

And then when they do that, then you go, surf's up.

Surf's up.

You have to yell surf's up.

It's California.

This is what they do.

This is like SoCal.

Southern California.

This is so, so Cal.

Surf's up.

Surf's up.

Now, it's going to be chaos. Nuts.
And we need to shift in energy here So did I say quiet? Yes As loud as you can Quiet Quiet Instead of surfs up Get rid of that Get rid of surfs up And you just go like this Quiet Quiet As loud as you can And cross your arms Quiet Quiet Right! Quiet! Right? So say that. Scream it.
Scream it. Okay.
Quiet! Nice! Okay. Give it to me.
Now end it strong. It gives me the utmost pleasure to bring these next comics to the stage.
Yep. They're arguably the most important people in my life.
Imagine being raised by an orangutan and a panda. My titos, Tito Bobby, and Tito Andrew.
Dude, that, I can't wait to see that. You know, I'm scared because we have to follow that.
She might crush way harder than us. Yeah, it's going to be tough to follow.
It's going to be tough to follow. Oh, my...
We have to follow that. But let me tell you something.
She'll set us up to win. Maybe.
So, and also, you could just bring the piece of paper on stage. Yeah, I want to bring it.
You can. You can bring it on stage.
We print that out, George. By the way...
And also, what? You know what I watched last night? You night you loved it brought me to my knees what is it sweet tooth it's so good it's so good are you being sarcastic i'm being dead serious okay i love sweet tooth do you like seaweed oh what do i like seaweed you like seaweed i love sweet tooth you though? Did you watch Sweet Tooth? Yeah. What did you like about it? It just moved.
You saw all of it. Yeah.
Yeah. It moved me.
I don't want to give any stories away. Yeah, yeah.
If you haven't seen this, people at home, watch Sweet Tooth. It's so, so good.
It's well shot. It's beautiful.
It's stunning. The colors in it, it's beautiful.
It's stunning. But dude, the doctor, I don't want to get into the story great actor oh my god him and his wife amazing acting yeah even it's just look at i'll show this to you the audience can't see it look at my look at yeah yeah yeah we know what that is it dude yeah one of the best shows by you doing that i know that you saw it.
I know. Because that's very a subtle thing.

Yeah, people are going to see that at home on YouTube.

I'm telling you, though, it was so good.

I don't even know how to explain it.

I liked Will Forte in it.

So good.

I really liked him in it.

I love him, dude.

I love him.

He's great.

Last Man on Earth was great.

He makes a lot of great shit.

He does.

He always makes the right choices.

I know.

Yeah, he's great.

Why can't we do that?

We will. We'll start.
Yeah. We'll start.
We just need to go be on SNL and then get off and then do it again. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance.
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Call 1-844-4-OTESLA or visit Otesla.com for prescribing info, info about cost and more. Hi, this is Javon, your Blinds.com design consultant.
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So the first room we're looking at is for shop blinds.com now and get up to 40% off with minimum purchase blinds. com rules and restrictions may apply somebody sent me after we did the app two weeks ago about what's her name using korean babies foreskin oh yeah yeah okay look this up this is insane this is a real website someone sent to me it's called bloodstainedmen.com do you know what this is there is a movement bloodstainedmen.com.
Do you know what this is?

There is a movement, bloodstainedmen.com,

to warn the American people that circumcision is cruel, worthless, and destructive.

So these guys go around with bloodstains over their wieners,

and they're fighting against circumcision.

They go protest circumcision all over the world.

So these are the guys with the top still on.

These guys have the sleeve.

They have the top still on.

They have the hat.

They have the sleeve.

Yeah, they have a hat.

And you're hatless.

I have a helmet.

Yeah, mine's a helmet.

I have a helmet.

I just have a head.

Right.

But they have the skin over the head.

They have a turtleneck.

I don't like it.

They have turtlenecks. Just based on looks alone,

I don't like it. It looks strange.
Gilbert? He has a turtleneck. He has a turtleneck i don't like it they have turtlenecks just based on looks alone i don't like it it looks strange gilbert he has a turtleneck has a turtleneck did you know that yeah but he's also asian now i'm not doing i'm not doing a bit i'm not doing an asian small dick joke that being said that being said doesn't help it doesn't help especially when so especially when the skin is a lot and the dick is small.

Right?

So in his case.

It hangs over.

Yeah, it's like the skin has completely enveloped.

Oh, engulfs them.

Engulfed the dick itself.

It's so weird.

So it just looks like a little ball.

Like it's tied off at the end a little bit too, like a knot.

Yeah, it's like one of those shumai dumplings. Oh, I love shumai dumplings.
I love it to eat, but to look at as a penis to fuck with? No thank you. He pulls his wiener on and goes, shumai! Yeah, yeah.
These guys are trying to warn the world to provide people with information to help protect their children. So these guys literally go around protesting.
But I don't know the positives of keeping it on. Well, they say, well, they'll tell you, dude.
Should we have these guys come on the show we should i don't come on i don't want to meet them i want to meet them because if there's nothing i can do about it i already got it's over it's over they're trying to convince you not to do it to your kids that's their whole point if i have it my kids have it right then my kids are going to have extra pleasure but that's an american thing you know that they don't in europe what about the philippines most boys get circumcised don't they yeah see that's weird in europe they don't in Europe. What about in the Philippines? Most boys get circumcised, don't they?

Yeah.

See, that's weird.

In Europe, they don't.

In Europe, they all have sleeves.

Really?

All my British friends have sleeves.

They don't get clipped.

What about you guys?

Are you guys clipped or sleeves?

You got sleeves or you got helmets?

Oh, clipped.

For sure.

So he's got a helmet.

Well, you peep, peep.

Sleeve, right?

No, clipped.

Oh, clipped.

Okay, sleeveless.

He's going sleeveless.

He got angry.

Clipped.

Did you guys, wait a minute. did you clip your kids no whoa pete so your kid has a sleeve your kid has a sleeve he does whoa your wife your wife said she wanted to keep it because a lot of times the women want to keep it yeah my wife's european see the europeans they leave the sleeve they leave the sleeve so what did she say to you pete was it a conversation for real no i didn't want to circum it.
Yeah, my wife's European. See? The Europeans, they leave the sleeve.
They leave the sleeve.

So what did she say to you, Pete?

Was it a conversation, for real?

No, I didn't want

to circumcise him either.

Why not?

Because his wife didn't want to.

I mean, come on, Pete.

Come on, Pete.

Have an opinion.

Yeah, seriously.

Stand up for yourself.

What a fucking coward.

I didn't want one either.

What is it, Steve?

Steve?

Sleeve?

Pete?

Pete Sleeve?

Pete Sleeve?

Your new name is Sleeve.

Sleeve. Sleeve.
Sleeve. Sleeve.
Sleeve. Sleeve.
Sleeve. What is it? What is it? Why? Why we didn't circumcise him? Yes, Pete.
That's what we're talking about. No.
God, I miss Andres. Yeah.
Unbelievable. Why did the emperor die in Return of the Jedi? Yeah.
Come on, Pete. It was evil.
Why, Pete? We didn't want to cut him. So let me provide a real argument because Pete really can't come up with anything.
Well, he can't come up with anything. So what they say is you lose sensation.
When you keep your sleeve, you get more sensation. The reason that we used to do that was hygiene because people didn't – what is that? What are those? I don't know.
It's just black schmutz. Schmutz on the table.
I don um i don't know what it is it looks like poop yeah it's like little rabbit poop maybe you have a little rat in here is that rat poop do we have oh well don't yeah it's rat poop do we have a rat yeah don't flick it towards me well why is it on my side because it knows where it knows where it belongs it smelled my desk and was like, nah, it's been over by you. Oh, gross.
Okay, so go ahead. Anyway, we got rats.
No, so they say it takes away feeling. So like when you clip, you lose sensation, so they say.
And they also say that hygiene, that's why they did it, so you don't have to clean it as much. But they say now with technology and all that stuff, people aren't getting as infected as much.
But also, it's supposed to protect you from STDs and all that stuff. But does it – no, let's go – none of those other things matter except the feeling thing.
They say the feeling is way stronger. So it's like – then let's focus on the feeling.
That's what the one cell is. So let me – so what I get when I orgasm...
I want to hear kind of.

Do you? Not really, but I do. The fans want to hear.
Yeah, let me ask you this. Not a noise, but is there a face that you make? When I orgasm? Yeah.
Mm-hmm. You know what it is.
Oh, yeah. I go like this.
Oh. It's real subtle.
It's not subtle. It's so racist.
It's not racist. It's overtly racist.
No, it's not. It's not subtle.
That has nothing to do with race. It's overtly racist.
No, I just get really, I really get switched. It's like if, ladies and gentlemen, anyone that does that, the president of the United States,

he's openly like, oh.

That's me orgasm.

It's no.

That's me orgasm.

It's overtly racist.

That's me orgasm. Canceled.

That's not racist.

Why would it have anything to do with race?

You ask for my face and I go, oh.

That's what I do.

It's like if I orgasm, I do a white thing.

Hey, buddy.

That's so funny if you did that.

Yeah, I'd go, hey, buddy.

Gotcha. Oh, buddy.
That's so funny if you did that. Hey, buddy.
Gotcha.

Oh, whatever.

White collar crimes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A yacht.

Yeah.

No, that's my face.

No, my face is this.

My face is...

What's my face?

No, be real about it.

I don't know what I look like.

Yeah, yeah, you gotta be real.

You don't do any of that shit.

What do you do? With your wife. Okay, let's be real then.
You know what I look like. Yeah, yeah, you gotta be real.
You don't do any of that shit. What do you do?

With your wife.

Okay, let's be real then.

You know what it really is?

Yeah.

It's this.

Yeah.

That's it.

It's real subtle.

That's very good.

I believe that.

What's yours?

Let me think.

Oh, gross.

God, it's gross.

Because you look at your trial.

No, I'm just.

Because it builds.

It's not like a moment. Mine's a moment.
There's feeling.'s feeling hits me out of nowhere there's like a 10 second feeling that builds so it's more like Jules this is terrible she doesn't need to see this no I just I won't do that I'll just do my face right yeah don't do your hands yeah I won't do my there it is yeah that's good it's pretty good right that That's good That actually looks very realistic Thank you I would believe that in a sex scene Thank you Have you ever done a sex scene? No You know who else hasn't? They're never gonna write us They're not gonna write us in a sex scene They'll never write us in a sex scene Nope Nobody wants to see an Asian Even when I wasn't spilling up together there was a scene where we were in bed yeah right and i mean redheads and asians don't get a lot of no offense but like i think lindsey had a thing where because she played my wife yeah where we're just laying in bed and she has her arm like on me uh-huh and the director just went and took that arm off no yeah yeah really just it looks weird oh that's so sad and And I'm like's the word just best friends he's like you're married but nobody wants to see that you know i had i had to i've never been a part i don't know if that happened or not i've had i've masturbated on camera in a sex scene like in a i'm alone in my room yeah that's just doesn't count i know it's sad they don't want me on the only other time well this was we were shooting, I'm dying up here. I think I maybe told this story, but there was a sex scene going on.
And I have to come in the room and say a joke. Yeah.
Meanwhile, my buddy Jake's butthole is right in my eyeline. Yeah.
His butthole. His real butthole.
Yeah. Because you're wearing a Merkin, you know, on the front.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the thread goes through his butthole.
Yeah. So I see his butthole.
Yeah. And I have to walk in the room and say something like you know we're gonna be late something like that yeah were you laughing every time you laughed every time it was so hard because i yeah i see his nuts i see his nuts hanging and i'm looking right into his butthole yeah but you know it's different it's one of my close friends but when you're shooting it's so funny because when you're shooting a scene yeah because when i did the cabin with brick Brooke Chrysler and he was bent over.
So he was bent over. We're doing a colonoscopy, right? And he's just sticking it in, right? So I stick it in and his sacks – Huge.
Huge. Massive nuts.
Like fucking bear sacks, right? His asshole is like three layers of purple. It's pertinent.
Real tight. I'll tell you what his asshole looked like.
You put a donut down, and you put a smaller donut on top of that. I see it.
And a smaller donut on top of that. I love it.
Yeah, yeah. And that was kind of sticking out.
That was coming this way to you? Yeah. How would I know it goes inward? No, it was going outward.
So it sat, and there was a little mole right in the entranceway. Oh, you should get that checked out.
a little sign that says like inside the mole do not enter or whatever so it's like and then like and i'm doing this thing with i'm sticking the tube in his asshole and i see my friends everything about him everything and but you're like you know the camera's on you you're in the scene so you're just trying to like it's normal but it's horrifying have you ever done one of those colonics or whatever they're called oh yeah you have we should do one they had the the tube next to you they show you they show you what goes what's going out i can't like have you ever done one of those a colonic would you ever do one no why not you have to do one you they're good for you colon cancer you can get colon cancer how many pounds of undigested food are in the average human stomach? I read something one time that was like six pounds of like undigested shit is just hanging out in your colon. Oh, shit.
Like, did you lose weight after you did it? I'm going to have to get one. I know because.
What's wrong? Tacos? No, I went to that. One product claims that anywhere from six to 40 pounds of waste, feces, and undigested

food stuck in our bodies.

See, six sounded what I've heard. 40 sounds insane.

Another one compares the weight of the

waste to carrying a bowling ball in our gut.

I went to Self Edge to get jeans Saturday.

And I go...

She goes, okay, what size? I go,

normal size. You know, 32 inch

waste. Oh, you told me this at the barbecue.

Yeah, I go, 32 inch...

And I literally got

one foot in

Thank you. Normal, you know, 32-inch waist.
Oh, you told me this at the barbecue. Yeah, I got 32-inch.
And I literally got one foot in the actual opening. In the waist? In the waist opening.
I got one foot. I go, what's going on here? You're a 30? I'm a 37 almost.
That's big. It's big.
It's gotten a little big. But you don't look like you gained any weight.
Because my legs't show it But your tum tum It's my tummy It's like It's just the body But you have a really cute tummy I don't think so I think it's morbid Like even my brother Stand up and show the camera Even my brother went to the spa last week For the first time And my brother saw my body And he went He literally went Like normally he would make fun of me Like he's fatty but it made him sad he goes you're gonna die man let me see your stomach let me see so sad let me see this is real I know I'm looking yeah sideways yeah what do you think Jules it's big is it bigger than it used to be yeah i think so yeah but let me see the let me see turn keep turning a little bit yeah we got to get it on we got to do a diet we got to let's do a diet together do you want to do a diet or something we should do it i told i told janina the job on car the girl i was in um hungry with? Yeah. I go, do you know a nutritionist? Every time I ask people a nutritionist, they always go, you're not going to follow it.
That's not true. Yeah, you will.
I will follow it. What's your breakfast like this morning? Well, you don't eat breakfast in the morning.
Jersey Mike's. Okay, you woke up and had Jersey Mike's? Yeah.
What are we talking? Six inch? A regular. 12, full.
Not 12. It's 12 inches, isn't it? It is.
It's got to be a foot long, isn't it? I don't know. No, it's a regular.
It's not a foot. It's half a foot.
What is a Jersey Mike sub length? What did you have on it? Let's just go down what your diet is. Okay, okay.
Then we'll be able to break down the easiest way to get rid of it. Okay.
So what's an average Jersey Mike sub? Look it up, Pete. What did you have on the sub? I get the number two.
The number two is the turkey provolone. Yes.
That's healthy. No, it's not turkey provolone.
It's... Oh, 3-5-7.
Yeah. So you had a seven inch.
Seven inch is a regular. That's what I get.
That's fine. Okay.
Oh, wait. No, no, no.
And 14 to 15 is the giant. Yeah, but I don't get the giant.
No? Swear to God. Ever? Ever.
Okay, good. So what's the two? So what I'll get is, but I'll add jalapenos, avocados.
Safe, safe. Right.
Both okay. And I'll add, I'll do it Mike's way because I love it when he does it that way.
Right. Oh my God.
Then I get a bag of potato chips. Which ones? The Lay's regular.
That's not that bad. And then I'll get a Diet Coke.
That's what I get. That's what I had today.
So, but the number two is it's the Italian, right? Yeah. So it's a cold cuts.
It's a cold cuts, yeah. So I had that and then i'll get a diet coke that's what i get that's what i had today so so but the number two is it's the italian right yeah so it's a cold cuts it's a cold cuts yeah so i had that and then um then i won't eat look at the calorie menu on jersey mics please then i won't eat until tonight yeah but you're better off eating smaller meals during the day than eating two massive meals it's harder on your body So why don't you eat four meals, but tiny ones?

Jersey Mike's, so what are we talking?

Number two.

I just need, bro, bro, bro.

I just need somebody to go.

White bread or wheat bread?

White, of course.

Oh, no.

What?

That's 2,000 milligrams of sodium?

Yeah.

Holy shit.

That's a lot.

That's a lot of salt.

Because the Mike's way?

Yeah.

So it's 800 calories for that. That's not that bad, I think.
Can I just tell you what I need? What do you need, baby? I need somebody to go, like I'm in prison. This is it.
And this is all you can eat? No option. Why can't we do that, Rudy? Can you do prison meals for him? And I'm like...
He's going to yell at me. Yeah, that's probably pretty valid.
And so that's all I need. If I could get that, these are your three meals.
There's nothing you can do about it. Look up that company.
Is there a company called Prison Meal Plan that we can... I would love to do a company called Prison Meal Plan where a guy comes to your house and he goes, Eat it! Yeah.
You're like, I want more. He's like, no! Go to bed, bitch! Yeah, yeah.
I need that. Prison meals.
Or how about this? How about, can I go to a place for at least like a week or two weeks? I don't want that, man. Let's get him a prison menu, though.
That's what you should be eating. A package, bologna? No, no, because they don't give it that.
Health. I want something healthy.
Okay, but healthy is going to be veggies that's okay and protein i don't care that's it i need somebody to go this is what you're going to eat this is going to be good for you how come kalilah's in such good shape she exercises it needs she doesn't eat what i eat okay but you're not going to exercise so can i am going to exercise i have exercised before i saw the peloton yeah i just need somebody how many times i just need somebody just listen man i just i'm fucking panicking i just need somebody to go this is you're gonna what you're gonna eat i think i need to go to a an institution or something like a a place where i'm gonna wake up just for like a week like fat rehab yeah and go this is what you're eating right yeah you can't smoke you can't do anything okay and no no gadgets no phones no ipad nothing what are you gonna be doing just working out the whole time i'll write you won't i will okay i want to see that i want that is there a place and anyone out there listening right now get me that place get is there fat rehab weight loss rehab rehab just i just need a place where i can go residential weight loss treatment the first one go down go down, weight loss rehab? It's not fat rehab. I just need a place where I can go.
Residential weight loss treatment. The first one.
Go down. Go down.
Residential weight loss treatment. Positive alternative.
This is great. You're going to a fat camp.
Yeah, yeah. Structure House.
Structure House, yeah. Best residential weight loss and wellness program.
We're going to this. Okay.
Please look into this, George. Please go with me, though.
100%. You'll check in.
I swear to God I'll check in. For how long? For the show.
Oh, for how long? How long did we do it show How long does it have to be? Live in weight loss pro Personal coaching, diet nutrition, behavioral therapy Fitness and exercise Is there flexibility? Click on that one Because I'd love to know Yes, look at that Day structure package You could go for a day Just check in and check out Oh, it's four weeks it's one month interested in a stay longer than four weeks so most people go for four weeks look at the day structure package please you click on that link four weeks yeah a month is way too long i'm busy who is it okay for those who live locally seeking benefits so you can show up do it and go home well really. Really? Where is it at? Where is this at, dude?

Let's find out.

Look at the area code.

It's like Hawaii or something.

Where?

What is it?

855.

No, 855 is like an 800 number.

Oh.

You know?

717-1804.

Let me find out.

718-0404. Let me call and find out to see what what they can...
Oh, look at that. Look, where is that? Oh, dude, that's North Carolina.
This is in North Carolina. No.
This is in Durham. We need to do this.
You need to get this kind of... Dude, we asked for a place in California.
You brought me fucking North Carolina. Pete! Go back.

Click back on that page, Pete. God damn it, man.

Man.

We're trying to save my life here, man.

I miss Andres like crazy.

North Carolina's nice.

North Carolina is nice.

Thank you, Pete.

That's true.

Thank you, Pete.

Can I tell you something that I've seen twice already on HBO?

Yeah.

Tragedy.

What is-

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na. Tragedy.
I don't know what that is. Na na na na na na na na na na

Tragedy!

I don't know what that is.

Na na na na na na na na na na na

If you got that one and that one do my work

I'm a flyest man, no time to talk

We can't talk!

Who is that?

All night, it's okay It's all right, there are no way I can't talk You remember? I can't talk You don't know that? All night. It's okay.

It's a little bit.

Oh, no way.

I can't.

You remember?

You don't know that?

You know who that is?

Yeah, yeah.

Who's that?

Stay alive.

Stay alive.

Who's that?

The Bee Gees.

The Bee Gees, yeah.

They have a documentary.

They do?

Yeah, and I've been watching it.

I saw it twice already.

I saw it by myself.

It's that good?

I don't know.

Here's what I like about it. Were how else.
I saw it twice already. I saw it by myself.
It's that good? I don't know.

Here's what I like about it.

Were they gay?

No, man!

What?

They're not gay, man!

Barry Gibb.

He's not gay.

He's got like 52 kids.

Oh, you can have kids and not be gay? He's had the same wife the whole time.

He's the only Gibb's brother that's alive still.

You can't just say that he's gay.

I didn't say I asked.

I said, is he gay? No, he's not gay at all. Well, he looked, that picture looks gay.
He had gay teeth. That's the only thing gay about there is their teeth.
Does Barry, just say, does Barry Gibb have gay teeth? Wait, what does it say? Is he gay? What does anybody say? No? No, he's not gay. I didn't know.
I thought. Does he have gay teeth? Yeah.
Look at that middle picture, the white one, the white in the white. Yeah.

Look at how sexy he is though.

Yeah.

I say that as a man who might,

he could coerce me.

Yeah.

So Barry,

does that guy look gay,

Rudy?

A little.

Thank you.

It's the time period,

Rudy.

It's fucking the seventies

and it was the disco era.

Everybody was kind of gay.

Everyone was gay then.

Yeah,

they were.

I'm telling you right now,

if that's not a gay photo

of three gay men.

No,

that's not outside the abbey. They're fucking performing, dude.
That's not outside the abbey they're fucking performing dude that's not outside the abbey what do you think they should be wearing paul bunion gear well first of all does he have a camel toe look in the middle look at how that's robin gibb how dare you look at his camel toe yeah he does his penis up and away it looks like it's up and away no no dude dude dude look balls balls yeah it's up and away it's up up and away you know why why they just killed it on stage and he's just he rocks never got an erection when you were on stage no oh i get it all the time no you don't i do but no one can tell no they can't, they can't. I have it like that.
I have it tucked on my belly.

Up and away.

Up and away, yeah.

The guy on the right looks like it's a Photoshopped head.

Okay.

Well, the guy on the right is Rory Scoville.

So you watch the documentary about the BGs. So I'll tell you what I like about them.

I don't like disco.

You're so ignorant, dude.

Oh, what's ignorant?

Disco died.

So it obviously wasn't worth it.

Can I tell you about the Gibbs?

Thank you. I don't like disco.
You're so ignorant, dude. Oh, what's ignorant? Disco died.
So it obviously wasn't worth it. Can I tell you about the Gibbs? Go ahead.
All right. So they were big in the 60s, right? And they weren't a disco band.
They were like a British band, right? They did harmonizing and they were brothers. And they made it, right? They made it big in the late 60s.
In Britain?

And in the United States.

Right, but were they famous there first?

No, they actually blew up in both places at the same time.

That's incredible.

Right?

So then what happened was they broke up because Robin Gibb and Barry Gibb,

there was a power struggle.

Like any brothers.

Right.

Noel Gallagher, Liam, it's a tale of all as time. Right.
And actually, he's in the documentary. Who, the Gallagher's? Yeah.
But just which one? Noel Gallagher. No, Liam's not in it.
And also, one of the Jonas Brothers is in it as well. That's a weird.
That's a weird. Because they're talking about being brothers.
I know. And in show business.
I know. So anyway, so what happened was they did their own thing and they were eating it on their own.
So in the early 70s, they decided to get back together and they put out two albums and now they're doing shit rooms. They're playing bar shows.
No one's coming. 15 people.
It's over, right? In fact, they wouldin not to look in the audience oh because he would see what's half full oh man right yeah right so then what happened was eric clapton who was signed by the same manager did an album in miami and he just suggested the boys like well just come out here you always record your albums in england Come out here and record an album. And there's also an energy going on.
You know, the Miami Sound or whatever. And these guys went out there and they had one shot.
One fucking shot. They did it.
And they changed their sound, right? And that's what we call disco. Disco was birth.
But it reinvented them. And it was an amazing, it's an amazing thing, achievement.
because it's like most bands after the 60s when they died they're gone forever you know well if you flop once it's hard to come back so hard especially when you're known for one thing but these fuckers reinvented themselves it's really impressive it is impressive I just the music itself is just not I know but like I know but what happened was because of people like you white dudes like you and it's so interesting that you say these are white people by the way I just, the music itself is never my, it's just not, no way. I know, but what happened was because of people like you, white dudes like you, and it's so interesting that you say.
These are white people, by the way. They're ours.
They're whites. The Gibbs? They couldn't be more white.
They're Nordic. That's us.
That's the most white. Up north is white white.
Oh, that's true. Yeah.
These are like the Viking people. But there's, be honest though.
There's two different kinds of whites. Sure.
Right? Which one am I? The ones, the hardcore ones. Oh, I'm white.
No, you're like working class white. Right.
Trash. Garbage.
You can say it. Yeah.
Right? Trash white. But then you have like Liberace.
White. Fancy white.
White. You have Liberace.
You have the Siegfried and Roy. Fancy.
Fancy. Gay.
Fancy gay. No, they're gay.
Yeah. Don't throw out gay.
They're gay. Why? Because they like sparkles? Was Liberace gay? Yeah.
Yeah. But they like sparkles and they like tigers.
Gay. And lions.
Gay. And when they die, they like to wear them as well, right? I know.
Right? So look at here. They like to grow their hair like lions.

Fancy.

Right.

They're fancy.

They're fancy.

So what I'm saying is

when the disco was huge,

there was a guy in Chicago,

right, much like you.

Yeah, me.

Who started this disco sucks movement.

Which I couldn't agree with more.

Right.

Yeah.

So he had all these people

come out to Wrigley's.

Wrigley Field. Wrigley Field.
Yeah. Bring all your disco albums.
We call it church. Yeah, disco albums.
Put it in the middle of Wrigley's Field. And burn it.
And we're going to explode them in a bomb. Dude, that guy's the best.
Who's that guy? Look up the disco sucks guy. Dude, that guy.
That's you. Yeah, it is.
And when we were watching the documentary, we both at the same time, when he popped up on the screen. You and Kalilah? We went, Andrew.
I want to play this guy. If they make a scripted version of this, Disco Demolition Night.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
At Comiskey Park. Wrong stadium.
Oh, sorry. I didn't know.
Wow, dude. And they brought their records and burned them at Comiskey.
July 12, 1979 at Comiskey Park, which is where the White Sox used to play. They turned away 15,000 people.
That's how many people hate disco. 15,000 people with albums.
Can we get in? That's how much they hated it. Dude, that's incredible.
By the way, who's the name? It says it right there, doesn't it? The playing in the field was damaged that the fans of the White Sox were required to forfeit the second game to the Tigers because it was a doubleheader. That's the guy.
Steve Dahl is an American radio person. He's the owner-operator of Steve Dahl Network.
He's the one that was campaigning this. He's a Chicago shock jock guy.
Come on and bring your records down to Comiskey this weekend. We're burning them.
He looked like a punk rocker. Back then in the 70s, he was like a fatter with a green...
Still pretty fat. So this guy made you bring him down.
So admission was discounted at 98 cents to the attendees.

But who wins at the end of the day?

They bought the records.

The Bee Gees.

The Bee Gees will forever be known.

They have like eight songs that are just never going to go away in our conscience.

Yeah, no.

She doesn't know who that is.

They've gone away.

It's our generation.

We're done.

You know who the Bee Gees are. I know their music, not them.
Yeah, you know the music. You know that song? Yeah.
Yeah, but because in the Philippines, that's probably a hit now. Everyone fucking knows the Bee Gees.
They're probably in the streets going, That's probably their thing now in the Philippines, today. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, how far behind are the Philippines in music? I don't know. Well, they always say, like, Asia is a couple years behind, right? Like, a hit song out here is going to be late there.
Not anymore. Dude, the internet, bro.
What the fuck are you talking about? No, that's true because their culture, their pop culture music is bigger than our pop culture. They're creating their own pop culture now, fucking that.
Some of them. No, all of them.
No, K-pop is big. But not in Japan and not in China.
They're still behind us. They are.
Japan is not behind us in any way. As far as our music.
In terms of film, music, and any of that. No, man.
Our hits here happen first, and then they get over there. So by the time they're burnt here, they start to get over there.
That's just fact. That's just truth.
So what you're saying right now is some Japanese guys are opening up a present from their parents, and they go, Sublime album? Yes. 40 ounces to freedom.
Yeah, that's what you're saying. And they don't practice Santoria.
Then that's their whole life now. And they're like memorizing their favorite new artist's name.
Billy Joe Armstrong. Billy Joe Armstrong.
So they remember it. So it locks into their brain.
Yeah, yeah. Grinde, grinde.
Billy Joe Armstrong. Duki, D it, you know what I mean? So they remember it.
So it locks into their brain. Green Day, Green Day, Billy Joe Armstrong.
Dookie, Dookie. Do you know, do you know Green Day? Do you know that band? God, that's so weird.
He just wrote me a letter. Billy Joe Armstrong wrote you a fucking letter? When he sent me coffee.
Time out. What? Are you friends with him? Yeah.
You are? Yeah. He did TB? No.
He did the belly? I have a weird story with him. With Billy Joel Armstrong? Yeah, yeah.
Please. Like, arguably, so much of my influence when I was in a band in high school.
He did Mad TV, right? Oh, he was a guest. Yeah, Green Day played Mad TV.
Right. We would get Marilyn Manson and Green Day to play Mad TV, right? Wow, yeah.
And that's where I learned,

that's where I met like Ryan Reynolds.

We had young actors as well that would guest star or whatever, right?

So that's where I met Billy.

But then like Billy and I became,

for some reason,

Mad TV was like,

we're going to send you out to the Grammys to me,

and you're going to interview people on the red carpet.

That's great.

Yeah, so I would like interview people

at like, you know, the Emmys. That's awesome.
Or the Gram the grammys didn't you like that i hated it why bob because you're with the press so it's like yeah but they know you're a comedian i want to be no at the time no one knew who i was so i want to be like on the red carpet and i'm with 50 000 people with cameras and going hey hey hey you know i mean like it was terrible didn't they have a press person go excuse me we have a guy from matt tv be a comedian yeah no one would want to do it right yeah sorry i said something give it so hacky and it makes me sweat so much i can't i can't please oh my god it makes it so embarrassing so what we all have embarrassing shit. What was it?

So I me and Nicole Parker are at the Emmys. And no one will come.
And then William H. Macy Love.
Right? Decides to come, right? So how's the department stores? Did you really say that to William H. Macy? How are the department stores? Do you even get that joke, Rudy? No.
The department store is called Macy's. Do you know Macy's? Yeah.
You know, like Nordstrom's? Oh, his response was worse. Yeah, he probably said, go fuck yourself.
No. You're a comedian? And he walked away.
Oh, my God. I like that guy so much more.
Oh, my God. How much more do I like William H.
Macy now that he said that to you? You're a comedian? Walks away? But it was one of those things where it's like when it was coming out of my mouth, my mind and my filter and everything about me inside. You know what I mean? Code red! Bail! Bail! Yeah, yeah.
But it was still coming out. It was still coming out.
And they're like, sorry, boss, it's already in the thing! We sent it out! What did Nicole say? Oh, she blushed. All the blood you know what I mean? Just rushed into her face red.
And she was just kind of looking on the ground, cross-eyed, sweat dripping.

Upset.

Because imagine, so he goes, and you're a comedian?

He walks away.

This is me.

I would love to see that.

And Nicole Parker, we're just sitting there like this.

And I remember turning to Nicole and going something like, this is my last one of these. How many had you done? Like six or seven.
Were they paying you money? The show was. But I mean, that was just a thing you had to do outside of the show.
And also the show, I mean, obviously you're on a late night sketch show. You're not making that much money to ruin your career.
That started your career. At the time though, you think it's done.
Yeah. How's the department store? You're a comedian, huh? Oh, my God.
What did Billy Joel say? So, anyway, so Billy Joel, right, I remember one night, it was after some event or something, and his wife and him, I didn't know them at all. Right.
Like, what do you mean? I barely knew him. You know what I you know what I mean he was always nice to me though yeah he was always like a really nice guy he really is have you ever met him no but I think they're phenomenal so talented Trey cool I remember he goes fuck let's not go to that bar and I he goes we're staying at this hotel my wife and I come just to the room we'll hang we'll hang out.
I swear to God. No, it wasn't that vibe.
No, it wasn't the, yeah. It wasn't that vibe.
It wasn't that vibe. No, no.
So I just remember like, Come to the room and hang out with my wife and I? No, because his wife was in the room. I know, but also let's just meet.
So this is what happened. Never inviting someone up to my room with my wife.
Well, back then. It was the 90s.
Yeah. So we were just like, I just remember, he's laying on the bed.
Okay. It wasn't like that.
I'm lying on my back. He's laying on the bed.
I'm laying on my back, and his wife was knitting. This is hot.
On the fucking couch. This is porn.
She was like making a blanket or something. And we talked for like three or four hours.

Just sitting on the beds.

No, I'm laying on the ground.

He's laying on the bed.

We're just laughing and telling stories and stuff.

And I remember just going, all right, later.

And I left.

It was really sweet.

Yeah, it was a cool little.

I've had so many little moments, weird moments like that.

So you have to cherish those.

Yeah.

And know that those are really important instead of when you get upset and you get weirded out by the business and you're upset.

You have those moments for the rest of your life.

If I look back, I have so many little moments like when John Cena, like, you know John Cena, right? No, I don't know who John Cena is. Who is he? He's an actor.
Is he though? He's in the W, he was in the WWE. I saw Fast 9 I saw Fast Did you He's in that? John Cena John Cena is like The main opposition to So he Vin Diesel I remember like We're all about family I remember we did 24 with Bobby Lee Right? Mm- John Cena, I go, we did it in my apartment.

So I go, I'm sleeping, so you have to wake me up.

So slap me in the chest.

So the first take, he goes like that.

And I go, and I kind of got mad.

I was like, dude.

Hit me.

Look, this is television.

It reads.

Hit me.

Hit me as hard as you can.

Yes.

And he goes, I'll break every bone in your pocket.

I go, hit me.

I will break.

I go, hit me.

See, I... television it reads hit me hit me as hard as you can yes and he goes i'll break every bone in your body i go hit me i will break yeah i go hit me see i just remember like laying there and then like knocking out oh he woke you up to knock you out no i was unconscious like he went right on my thing right and i and went i went to heaven right jesus and i came I came back into my body Right And then for some reason I got up And then I go Go back to the first thing Yeah do what you did before Yeah do what you did before You're right Was he a cool guy? I love him One of the nicest guys See how many small Beautiful moments But I have these little tiny moments With Billy Joel With John John Cena, with a million things.
I'll tell you another thing. I've ever told you about the Asian sex party.
Wait. Have we talked about that on this show? Yeah, I think that was one of the first five episodes.
We did. Let me tell you something.
I've had a lot. I've been lucky to have a lot of little moments, but I was so young in the business that- You've had good moments.
Well, when I did Punk'd, we met a million celebrities. Right.
But I just, but I was so embarrassed about doing the show that it was a little hard for me. Like I, Drake, I drove Drake to meet the president.
He thought he was meeting Barack Obama and Joe Biden. Also, you're also playing, you have to be in the scene and commit to the scene and you have to play this guy.
Almost be invisible. Yeah, you do.
You have to be a chameleon. Yeah, you have to be a chameleon that must be hard and then it's also like it's not as if you're the star of the show you're kind of just a player right so you have to kind of be unknown almost well you do have to be unknown and then afterwards sometimes they like you and you get to know them i mean that's how i got to know bam margera like i got to know some people from the show because afterwards they were like yo that was great was great.
Yeah. Because we also wrote the show.
Yeah. So that was cool.
But there were moments where, you know, we would have to mess with celebrities. And you're like, then they're upset when it's over.
And then they hate you. And you're like, it's not me.
Yeah. It's a thing.
And they're like, no, fuck you. Really? Kind of.
I mean, are there times where, I mean, obviously this happens where they go, I'm not going to sign the NDA for that release. All the time.

That happened so much.

It was insane.

And then you have some producers come up, come on, man.

They beg and they offer money and whatever they can do.

I mean, it just doesn't work because people are like, no, we're not going to do it.

Wow.

Unless the star that punked them was so big, like when Bieber did people, when we worked with him, no one was going to say no. Right.
Because the airtime for them was like. Huge.
Anybody said, yeah. Yeah.
Mac Miller, who's passed away, he was incredible. And he was a kid.
He was probably 18 or 17. And man, he was so good, so young.
How did he die? Overdose. Oh.
I mean, you know, it's really weird because it was like, it was an accident. I think he went to bed and took a couple pills to go to sleep and just didn't wake up.
Yeah. That's the kind of stuff that you should be lucky that you're alive because of all the stuff that you did.
Some people just take a couple pills and they never wake up. Yeah.
And you did so much more. Yeah.
But you never did pills. I did.
That was my main thing. No, but you didn't like mix a bunch of stuff and then take pills and go to bed.
Yeah, I would take six Valiums. At night before you went to sleep? Yeah.
Oh, shit. I mean, Jerry Seinfeld saw my dick.
What is up with that? You hear about that? Yeah, we've talked about that on here. Yeah, we did.
Yeah. About Jerry.
Yeah, he hated it. Well, that apparently was just a rumor.
All right, George, I sometimes repeat myself. There's no way.
You don't have to fucking shame me. Yeah, we heard about that already.
Move on. He does that thing where he gets a little too uppity-buppity.
It's also, dude, listen. You know what he didn't do? You know what he didn't do? Didn't introduce me to his wife at the party.
She had to come up to me. I know.
I saw that. She goes, hi, we didn't get to meet.
Yeah, I saw that. george why didn't you introduce me to your wife and your baby i was busy with my baby sorry sir i was but but i show up i say hi i'm i did how nice bob was i i went around to everybody you were a sweetheart and i went around to everybody and i said hi and you know who's the sweetest to me yeah everybody but george who i know the most personal i know you more than anybody there kalilah's mom was so polite and nice the red-headed firefighter guy was incredible Jeff Jeff yeah whose wife works for NASA but UCLA but it's NASA too oh did you get that my favorite thing about when Bobby when you introduce me to people your information I know is wrong no it's not that I like to embellish and make people look good.
Always. Right? So if you work- She works for NASA.
And I go, really? And I go, in what capacity? You go, dude, on the aerospace, on the fucking rockets. And I was like, whoa.
And so when Jeff goes, hey, great to meet you. And I said, great to meet you.
And then he said, I said, your wife works for NASA? That's incredible. He goes, she works for UCLA, but in conjunction with NASA.
I go, is she a rocket scientist? And he goes, well, she works on the pieces for the pieces that go for the rockets. Yeah, she works at NASA.
You made it sound like she's fucking in a rocket. No, I didn't say that.
She was like a five- Does Tito Bobby exaggerate when he's talking about people and what they do? A little. Yeah.
We're going to add another minute tonight to your set. No! Yeah, this is good.
Another minute to your set tonight. Just a couple of minutes.
A couple of extra minutes. No.
Tell me. Yeah.
If this goes well, this thing that we're doing, do you want to do a Bad Friends tour or no? Yeah. Because last time we talked about it, you were a little skeptical.
In fact, you didn't even tell me you wanted a tour until 2022 I think that we should do this I think Here's what I'm willing to do I'm willing to do like How about if I do 15-20 minutes on stage As stand up You do 30 Whatever you want to do Right Then we do Come out together And do the show Come out together But we also do a podcast almost Yeah you come out and do the show We do a live podcast How do we. How do we do it? If we could do it somehow where we do the live podcast, but also do a little stand-up and also do a little double thing, right? And then Jules is there too on stage, right? If we go on tour, you're going.
Yeah. When does school start in the fall? August 30th.
August 30th. Yeah.
And then what do you have to do for school? Can you do stuff online doesn't have to be in person yeah it doesn't have to be in person dude the world has changed so much that's insane to me now she can tour and she doesn't have to worry about missing anything because we just have to have internet for her we just have to get those little mobile hotspots or whatever that's what we need to do honestly let's book life no honestly let's book some dates then let's try one we will no like in august i'm serious let's do it because that's funny because uh speaking of rudy's popularity which is a little much she was getting drunk at your house dude she was on four white claws not even just let me say something shit face because when i looked over and i said she was blitz i said what are you doing over there rudy and she goes fuck off fuck off. That's what she said by the pool.
Fuck off. Yeah.
I did not like it. I didn't like the attitude, but she said, black cherry.
That's what she said. Yeah.
Charles Bukowski is my favorite. Is that what she said? Yeah, Charles Bukowski is my favorite.
You're big on Bukowski now? Yeah. No, yeah, you know, you are.
I feel cool of's She's no longer a high schooler I can see it now Now she's an adult to you? Well she put half a tank of gas in the car Which is cool Did you really? I put full not half It wasn't full Is that the first time you've ever pumped your own gas? No I didn't while he was away It wasn't full No it wasn't full is that the first time you ever pumped your own gas no I didn't while he was away

yeah it wasn't full

it was a full

no it wasn't full

it was full

I swear on my mother's life

it wasn't

you're just blind

to Bobby

whoa

he's not gonna swear

on his mother's life

or something

that's not true

speaking of which

we still need to go out

to Phoenix

and see your mom

we will

I'm just blind

yeah

another minute

no

what is that

five now

yeah six minutes

oh six minutes now

yeah

you listen

you keep amping it up

this is what you're

gonna get into

Thank you. I'm just blind? Yeah.
Another minute. No.
What is that, five now? Yeah, six minutes. Oh, six minutes now.
Yeah. Listen, you keep amping it up.
This is what you're going to get into. What's the male Karen? Chad.
Chad? That's what they deem to Chad? Yeah. So Chad is the male Karen.
Yeah. You've seen this guy.
You know this guy. So for the context, Bob, show me the video.
See, he says the N-word. He's at someone who's recording and he and then he's bold enough to give his address yeah it's the best and okay let's play the video and then you know play the video he's out of here and he can't do shit that's me talking shit 3602 that's where i live come fucking see me.

He's getting pelted in the face.

Look at the guy.

Run, run, run, run, run, run, run.

This guy does a fucking slam dunk water ball.

Right here.

Amazing.

Watch what this guy does.

This guy's the best.

We got to get this guy on a podcast. Here's a D1 athlete.
Here we go. Here's a D1 athlete.
Ready? Yeah. Look at these hops.
Watch. Dude in the hat.
No! So wait a minute. He got pelted with bottles outside of his house.
Did a police escort him away? Is that what it was? Well, they arrested him for harassment. Ah, was harassing someone.
Yeah, right. So, you know, but they really went there because they didn't want him to get killed.
Yeah. So he's handcuffed, right? And he's like, also they broke the windows of his house.
Yeah. You don't yell the N-word and then say your address and say, come see me.
The dumbest fucking white nationalist I've ever seen. D address you give the address to your enemy i would give your address i give your address and then your address you don't give your own address what kind of dipshit goes yeah come see me attack you attack an entire race of people and go come to my house right and you're not in the.
No, dude, you're in New Jersey. Yeah, you're in Jersey.
You're in New Jersey. Not hard to get to.
Not hard to get to. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The fact that this, by the way, you know who I feel kind of bummed for? These cops are getting pelted with shit. Yeah.
And they're like, all we're trying to do is get this racist out of here so you guys don't kill him and we have to clean up a murder scene. I'll tell you why.
Because when you – the video that we saw before, it's a longer video. Of course.
So there's a moment where – Do you know the whole context of the video or no? The moment he's saying all these racial – whatever, whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's a cop there. Oh.
Right? And then he's like, he can't do nothing. The white nationalists are like, I know the law.
I can say whatever I want. They all know the law, by the way.
These guys are big. They're lawyers.
They're all lawyers. White nationalists are all lawyers.
That's my favorite thing on the internet. They go, I know my rights.
Yeah. Do you? Yeah.
Do you grade school dropout? Do you really know your rights? But let's take First Amendment, right? They go, I'm exercising my First Amendment rights. No, man, you can't yell racial epithets in the street.
Regardless, it's like, but these people, too, are exercising their rights. Well, not to throw bottles at your face.
I know that, but to show up. That's just karma.
I know, but to show up. To show up, yeah.
They can show up. They can show up outside of your house.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And protest your house.
Yeah, yeah. And protest you protest you as a human hitting you in the face with a bottle illegal but also fun funny yeah funny and funny check check on very funny hey man turns out you can't yell the n-word in the street and then give your address and then expect people not to show up and hit you in the face with stuff yeah just a vague that's an idea hey hey by the way if you hate black people or anybody um don't yell it in the street and then give your address.
Simple rule. I would love to have a time machine.
Simple rule. Go back in the past.
You know, back. Like if it escaped, like a slave escaped a plantation, white people would gather together with torches.
Like just like this, but the opposite. And hunt this person down.
Yeah. Right? Yeah.
I would love to go back in the past and just have this video i'm not laughing at what you're saying laughing at where your head is going and just and to look at these white people and go this is the future show them what it's yeah they will blow their minds yeah be careful what you're doing now because this is the future yeah show the go back to right under the play button to scratch scroll back yeah scrub to there here's where we watch our boy dunk one more time let's watch him dunk one more time you push pa i'll give you hold on you can turn the music off yeah if you give me the if you pause on it at the right spot okay go and mid hop ready and now beautiful beautiful look at that the hops on him. The hops.
Yeah. Look at the hook.
You know what? Also, for better grippage, the glove. Oh, he's got a glove on.
For better grippage. Because he was like, if I'm throwing water bottles, you know I'm bringing a glove.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it doesn't slip, you know what I mean? Because the water doesn't come out.
Right. Genius.
Genius. Now let's see how hard he throws it.
Let's press play. Really good rotation.
Real rotation. The follow through was incredible.
It's a spike. It's a volleyball spike.
It was a spike, dude. Volleyball coaches all over the country.
Yeah. We've got your guy.
Press play. And.
And. Right.
I mean, look at the elevation. Scholarship.
Look at the D1. D1 scholarship.
Hello, UCLA. Yeah, yeah.
I have your guy.

This guy's the best.

Look at the elevation.

Look at the elevation.

He used another human being.

A shoulder.

As a shoulder pump.

Perfect.

If you're going to jump.

Look it.

Let's do it one more time.

If you're going to jump and ready.

Look at this.

Well, he's holding on to hit one of his buddies.

Yeah.

It's like the Olympics where they go on the hobby horse thing.

The pommel horse.

The pommel horse.

Yeah, yeah.

He's pommel horse.

He's pommel horsing another person.

That's amazing. By the way, this is sprinkled with some whites out there.
They got some local white support. Look, there's a grocery bag.
Someone was just shopping trying to get home. Somebody was just coming home from Trader Joe's.
Speaking of the Olympics, that Sha'Carri Richardson thing is bullshit. Oh, the weed thing? It's bullshit.
Go on. Her mom died two weeks before it.
She wanted to smoke a little weed. Yeah, the problem is...
No, there's no problem. No, no, here's my thing.
I think it's bullshit that weed is still federally illegal. That's our bigger problem.
So the Olympics Committee now is obeying by the rules of the federal government yeah which the whole thing is is fucked up because you're a lot they're allowed to approve certain drugs yeah right you can take advil i can tell pain relief i can even take cortisol yeah okay to but because it's still federally legal they still obey by the federal law yeah my bigger question is why is it still federally illegal that's crazy why is it that i'm in state that I'm in? I can smoke pot on my porch with my family. Yeah.
I can go home with my- I can smoke a big joint. With your family.
Yep, I can. With your kids.
Well, no, not with my kids. But I mean, seriously.
Yeah. With your grandparents.
And we're good. The moment I cross an invisible line- Yeah.
An invisible- Estates are invisible lines. Yeah.
Now you go, you can go to prison for that. For life.
The dumbest shit I've ever heard in my life. It's dumb.
My bigger problem, the Olympics thing is bad. I feel bad.
But how is this still illegal? I can't. That's the broader problem.
Well, no, because I'm looking at it from, I'm saying, I understand why people are mad about it. But moreover, it goes, how come we can't go, can we fix this already and just make it federally legal? Get this over with? Because this is the kind of stuff where you go, this is why this is why the country hates each other is because certain states have certain laws that don't abide by other states and other laws.
And just because of that, the politics come into play. It's all bullshit.
It's all bullshit. Let these people smoke pot.

It infringes on no one's rights.

We can let the states do what they want to do for their own people.

I think it should be federally legal across the board.

Let the people do what they want to do with their own people.

Let the people do what they want to do with their own people.

Yeah.

I feel bad for that chick.

I think it sucks.

I think it's fucking bullshit.

But also- It's not a performance enhancement drug. Michael Phelps won fucking the most gold medals of all time and he was an avid pot smoker.
Yeah, what happened there? Nothing. Was he tested? He would pass those tests before he went to swim.
Yeah, I guess that's her bad, the timing. Part of it is like, lady, don't you know you gotta run in the Olympics? That's my other side of side of the story is I'm like it's bullshit but also someone should have gone Shikari yeah no you guys might play but you're running in the Olympics like if Shikari was at the weed party with the circle you know they're passing you're passing the joint and I was next to her I'd be like I get it right right I'd pass it back no you wouldn't you'd be in so enamored by the fact that you're with one of the greatest Olympic runners of all time.
She's like, I'm not supposed to because I'm running. And you're like, maybe a little bit? I don't know.
I don't think so. Maybe a little bit? No, I think I'd be like, nah.
You got to run, Chicago. You're like, you're in the Olympics.
You're in the Olympics, girl. We can't give it to you.
Wouldn't you do that as a friend, though? If I was running. No, because let me tell you something.
Yeah, or floating. I'm friends with certain pro athletes.
Yeah. I wouldn't, if I was getting high with a pro athlete but knew that they're not supposed to get high, I wouldn't stop them.
It's not my job. They're adults.
Who am I to tell them not to smoke pot? Do you know what I mean? Who am I? You're his friend. I know, but it's not my bitch.
He could be like, shut the fuck up, bitch. And I'd be like, okay, here's the weed.
The Shikari thing, but by the way, it's a two-sided story to me. I feel bad for her because it's bullshit.
Yeah. But these two things can coexist.
But at the same time, why did you do it right before the Olympics? I know, I know. That's my problem.
It's a two-way street. It's a bummer.
It's also bullshit. It's also bullshit.
They should let her run. Of course they should.
You didn't violate any real rules. He's got a great personality, a great vibe.
By the way, the amount of Olympians that cheat and use HGH. I know, dude.
What do you mean? Lance Armstrong was like, yeah, we all were taking steroids. Yeah.
Every fucking buddy. The Tour de France was all steroids.
But maybe that's a lesson to learn. Maybe a future Olympic runners will be like, well, remember Shikari, what happened to Shikari? I think the bigger issue again is, yes, it is a lesson, but it's a lesson that our country should federally legalize a fucking plant that has literally no performance enhancing fucking bit.
There's no scientific research that has been proven to find that marijuana gives you a scientific edge. Or, I mean, a performance edge.
You would think it would deter somebody. It would hurt them.
I mean, that's like kind of the old joke. It's like, oh, you get sleepy and hungry.
You wouldn't want to run. But it's like, but some people do use it during performance.
I know guys that smoke pot and go for long runs. They only will run when they're stoned.
I know dude that smoke pot. And lift weights.
And scenes oh please what do you mean i've been with those guys all day long there's guys how do you fucking do that what is it keenan from snl they say he stoned the whole time yeah but he's but he's a professional pot smoker that's what it is when you smoke pot all the time your body's used to it would you be able to act? No, I'd be just sleepy.

Yeah.

Sleepy.

So sleepy.

The point is, it's bullshit.

Let her fucking run.

Also, legalize pot.

Can we grow up and legalize pot?

And because our Tonight Show, the show tonight is going to feature Rudy Jules, I want her to end the show.

You know, last time people got mad, we didn't say thank you for being a bad friend.

So we're going to do it now. All of, last time people got mad, we didn't say thank you for being a bad friend.
Yeah.

So we're going to do it now.

All of us in the room, as loud as we can, on the count of three.

You guys, too.

Thank you.

No.

Look at me.

We're going to do it together.

One.

Two.

Three.

Three.

Bob.

One, two, three. thank you for being a bad friend Yeah.
Woo.

Yeah.