The Boys Are Back!

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LinkedIn, the place to be, to be. You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

You two are something. We're bad friends.
What's up, Brad? You good? Good to see you, pal. What's up? What a good time.
Hi, kid. That's great.
What's up, pal? Can't wait for this. How's my little boy? Oh, man, that's great, man.
How's my little boy? Can't wait for this, man. Rudy.
It's like a fucking reunion, man. Look at your hair.
Wow. It's a real reunion, man.
Rudy. I actually think she's fucking Selena.
What is this? You think you're Selena? Welcome back, Tito Bobby. You wrote this? Oh, look at this.
Who spent time on this? I did. This is a fucking 10-second fucking job here.
She just did this. Did you just do it? My boyfriend's back, and I'm gonna get in trouble.
Hey, now. I'll be honest with you.
Hey, now. My bobo's back.
It's weird to be back. It's weird to be back.
And I missed him so much. Dun, dun, dun.
Hey. Hey.
I missed his Asian touch. Okay.
Bum, bum, bum. Okay.
What's up, you guys? What's up, man? So how was the fat one? Was he good? The numbers were good. Yeah.
We were slacking on our pimple. People missed us.
But it's so nice that the fat one you know I mean filled in I'm glad that you're back it's good to be here how do you feel I should not call him that you already did I know I already did and let's erase that part but here's the deal okay that I'm not used to being back so I'm gonna have to do some editing and you know I'm gonna have to put it through a filter in my brain. Like self-censorship? Yeah, yeah.
So, you know what I mean? Let's start from the top. How was Eric? Was he good? How was Eric? Was he good? Eric who? Griffins.
He did this show? Yeah, I was looking at the socials. Not that I remember.
Oh. Yeah, he was great.
Yeah, yeah. We had some good fill-in guests.
And wait a minute. Rudy Jules.
What's up with your hair? What's up with your hair, girl? You know what I'm proud of about her with her hair? Yeah. She was just basically like yesterday, like, I'm going to go get my hat done.
And I'm like, oh, do you need? And she said, I got it. So she's self-efficient.
Wow. She makes appointments on her own.
She her own she's independent she tells her I wanna do the Billie Eilish with the streaks you know what I mean oh you wanna be Billie Eilish yeah yeah yeah she does her nails I wanna do the Billie Eilish I'm not doing anything with my nails see your tone that's what she's been doing since I've been back it's her raising of her voice and I frustrate her by the way did you write that welcome back Tito Bobby you wrote that give me that let me see that yeah yeah that's insane that's insane yeah of her voice. And I frustrate her, I think.
By the way, did you write that? Welcome back, Tito Bobby. You wrote that? Give me that.
Let me see that. Yeah, yeah.
That's insane. That's insane.
Yeah, analyze it. I mean.
Analyze it. Do you want to talk about minimal effort? Oh, my God.
Nothing. What? Dude, I sign autographs better than.
100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're going to college? Yeah, yeah. You have terrible handwriting.
Yeah, yeah. Welcome back.

Oh, my God.

You spelled welcome wrong.

Look at her face.

No, I'm kidding.

No, it looks good.

Yeah.

I like your hair.

I like this.

It's called ombre, right?

Yeah.

I'm learning.

And I got a shag.

What's a shag?

Like the two bobbies.

You mean like a mullet?

No, you didn't see what I got going.

What?

What?

You don't see what I got going.

Let me see, Bo.

Oh, bro.

Bro, bro, bro.

It might be... You mean like a mullet? No, you didn't see what I got going.
What? You don't see what I got going. Let me see, Bo.
Oh, bro. Bro, bro, bro.
Am I from Blade Runner or what, bro? Duh. I'm from the future, right? Undercut, bro.
Yeah. Skate or die.
Are you a poser? No, I'm like a cyborg. You know what? I'm like a cyborg.
What are those like repo men? Can I say something to you and don't take this the wrong way? What? That thins you out. what she said last yesterday you look thinner with that that's what everyone said yeah well you should shave the other side and see how thin you get there you go bud what do you think you look good thanks man hungry treated you well huh let's talk about hungry i can't believe you got into a fist fight with Cate Blanchett.
That's crazy. I didn't get a fucking fist fight with her.
Cate Blanchett. Bobby called me and she...
I didn't get a fist fight with her. She came to his room.
Don't say stuff like that. She came up to his room and she was like, It's me, it's Cate Blanchett.
And Bobby said, Oh, what's up? And he opens the door and she goes, They delivered my chicken strips to your room. And Bobby had already eaten all the chicken strips.
And she's like, you fat fuck. And they got into a fist fight and you punched Cate Blanchett.
Can I tell you my relationship with Cate Blanchett? Yeah, what is it? Okay. I'll just give you an example.
Please. So the second to the last day I was there, I went to the restaurant that was in the hotel.
Kate was there with Gina Gershon. They were having breakfast, right? And they both look at me and they go, what's up, Bobby? And I walked by so fast with my phone.
No, I wasn't talking to anybody. Why did you do that? Because I get so nervous.
Around Kate? Around them, right? I go, hey, good morning. Right, and I'm really just this weird guy.
Skat, skat the morning? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Skat, skat the morning.
Right? And I just, like, run past. Yeah.
And then I'll eventually come back. Because then I'll sit there and I'll go, we should have done that, man.
And I think that you're a fucking meth addict. You know what I mean? Yeah.
And weird, right? Yeah. So then I'll, sorry, guys, I just woke up and needed to get my coffee.
You know what I mean? I'm like a weird guy, dude. Well, but you told me you also interacted with them.
You went out to dinner. Yeah.
You went to the – Well, okay. In the beginning – Okay.
So in the beginning, I'm like – I literally – When I was – I'll just tell people what I'm in. Yeah.
People don't know. Yeah, you can say it.
So I can say it now. Were you not allowed to at some point? No.
But I never really talked about it. Yeah, but you made it seem like you were not supposed to talk about it.
No, I could.

I just didn't want to talk about it because I didn't know what it was and I don't know

how it was going to go.

All right, so tell everybody what you're doing.

All right, so I don't like your stuff in my teeth.

No.

Great.

I should spit out this gum.

So there's this video game called.

Rudy, how have you been?

I really want to know.

I'm good.

I feel like your energy is so good today. You know So Shout out to my boy Pete Downstairs Pete Pete Big Pete I'm not going to All right.
Are you going to do one of those comedy bits again?

It's a comedy show.

I know, but it's like- There's a pretty good chance I'm going to do it again.

All right.

But now I'm going to be apprehensive, but I'll try.

Yeah.

And then do your bit again.

Here's what we always do.

Yeah.

You know I'm going to do the bit again.

I know, but now it's like I'm anticipating the bit.

Yeah.

So I don't want to really fully get into the fucking thing.

Don't anticipate it.

All right.

Here we go.

Yeah. Go ahead.
So there's a video game called what's up andreas no i did it before you i did it before you i'm gonna do it before you did it for you stop up on the table you're gonna knock my head down and so there's a video game called um borderlands and um they're being a movie about it and um where'd you get your shirt no No, no. I didn't see it.
Where'd you get your shirt? I really like that shirt. No.
Where'd you get it? She's worn that a thousand times on the show. I wasn't going to do it.
Don't fucking do it. Because I'm going to do it before you.
Okay. All right.
So, you know, like you and I, we audition for things and we never get things. I don't audition for anything.
We can talk about that later. Okay.
But there was a time. Bobby calledby called me by the way he booked another thing bobby's going away to do another job so he just did a job sold a show to abc did a bunch of magnum pis uh just did a huge movie is just booked another job you were a job machine you know who's calling my phone nobody nobody can i just get into life? Yeah.
And what's going on with me?

Yeah.

And then we'll go into your satellite afterwards.

Dude,

I'm on a show.

It's,

uh,

it's great.

Davey's great.

It's cruising.

It's a great one.

You've never seen.

I love Davey though.

You've never seen it once.

Yeah.

What's his name?

The weasel.

What's his name?

What's his name?

Davey.

He has like a nickname.

Uh,

yeah.

The weasel.

Yeah.

The weasel.

Yeah.

Pauly Shore.

I don't know,

but he's great though.

What's up Davey? Yeah. He's a funny guy.
So there, so then, you know, I audition Yeah, Pauly Shore. I don't know.
But he's great, though. He's very funny.
What's up, Davey?

Yeah, he's a funny guy.

So then I auditioned, and I sent him the tape, and then I got it. And you helped.
I did. Yeah, you helped a little bit.
I helped facilitate it. Because you know, one of the producers who's very kind, and I became friends with her as well.
I was going to say, you guys got along, huh? Real well. Yeah.
And so, yeah, Emmy's great. Shout out to Emmy.
I love her. She's one of the nicest people.
The best. So it's got like all these big stars in it Like Cate Blanchett, Jamie Lee Curtis

Kevin Hart, Jack Black, all these fucking people, right? Yeesh! Edgar Ramirez. Yeesh! It's just the list.
My good friend Janina now, who's now one of my best friends. Yeesh! Anyway.
And? What? Bobby Lee. I'm in it.
Robert E. Lee makes it in the movie.
Okay, watch me right now. I'm looking at you.
Watch me right now. Watch my hands, okay? Yeah.
Do you see that? That's your role in the movie? That's how fast I am in the movie. You'll never see me again.
So when you're watching the movie, and then I'm gone. Give me a line that you said in the movie.
What's up, Roland? I swear god you just killed it i go good when i see kevin's heart card i i'm in a bar i go ah that's one of my lines kevin hart's name is roland in the movie yeah yeah so when i'm flying over there i'm like come on man he he's a character from the fucking game don't do your fucking head turn there's a a black guy in the game Borderlands named Roland. Google if there's ever been a black guy named Roland.
In Borderlands. In life.
In the game. Just based on the game.
Games are fake. All right.
Has there ever been a black guy named Roland? Black guy named Roley. Famous Rollins.
Bring it up. Roland Orzabal roland young roland emmerich roland barthers roland james oh roland james is black there we go what was roland james an american oh god oh my god now we're on yeah yeah he made the car what did roland james do who is he he's can i just go back into fucking thing? Oh, an American professional football player.
Can I go back into the fucking thing, man? Let me get my bed out, please. Oh, my bad.
I forgot how it works. I miss you.
I excuse. Okay, so yeah, his name is Roland in the movie.
So anyway, that was my life. So when I was flying over there, I was like, okay, this is going to be one of those really like really lonely experiences because you know i only function well with like comics at my level you know i mean and i have my group you know i mean i have you yeah i've got um a couple of guys you know i mean they're no longer with us i could say that people that died yep uh we've got um i think i guess guys Madrigal, Bill Burr.
I mean, they're just a big group of Chelsea Handler, Whitney Cumming. That's pretty much the- That's your group.
The group, right? So in my head, I'm like, I don't know any of these people. It's like, I'm a comic, so I'm just going to be spending the next month and a half by myself.

Because everybody there is a real actor.

And I say real actor.

Yeah, you know.

You're an actor, but those are like.

No, these are real.

Real actors.

Award winning actors.

Right.

Who I'm a huge fan of all of them, right?

Yeah.

Have you ever been nominated for an award, by the way?

I've never even been to an award show.

Well, no.

I'll never go to an award show.

Well, that's because they don't. Right.
They don't want me there. That would be weird.
I've never even done... Where would they put you? I've never even done a talk show.
No. Ever.
Not couch? You've never done couch? No. Ever.
Me neither. Yes, you have.
I've seen you. No, I've done stand-up.
No, I've seen you do a bit on the Jimmy Fell. Yeah.
Okay, yeah. That's not it? It was with James Corden, but it was- It doesn't matter.
You did it, though, right? Because it was with Jim Carrey. It doesn't matter.
You're on a fucking show with Jim Carrey on a fucking Tanakh talk show. On a Tanakh show.
Yeah, and that's huge. No, but yeah, it was for Jim.
And they're called talk shows, by the way. Tanakh shows.
They're called talk shows, by the way. Welcome back to the Tanakh show.
Tonight, my guest is Bobby Lee. Yeah, yeah.
Let's do it right now. Ready? Here we go.
We're back. Thank you to the band Rudy Jules.
What's going on? You good? Awesome. My guest tonight, ladies and gentlemen, you're going to love this guy.
This guy's incredible. You've seen this guy.
By the way, the way I would do it. We're live.
We're on fucking air. I know, but that's what I would do to make it funny.

Oh, to interrupt my intro?

Yeah, yeah.

You're killing it.

This is great.

Don't you think that would be funny?

The crowd's losing it right now.

Like, I'm already out of the, yeah, it's the curtain.

Exactly.

I'm already out of the curtain, right?

And you're trying to introduce me, and I'm interrupting you.

Oh, Bobby.

So do it again, do it again.

Well, we're already in it.

Start over.

Okay, start over.

I would go back. I would go back to the thing.
How's Rudy Jules and the band? Let's check in with Rudy Jules and the House Band. I'm good.
Rudy Jules and the Hombres. I'm next to you now.
I already got out. I'm already now sitting on the band.
Explaining to me? Yeah, I'm already sitting next to me. Oh, Bobby, you're already here.
I'm here. Wow.
No need for the intro, bud. I'm just happy to be here.
Oh, awesome. So what's been going on in your life? I can't even believe I'm on this show.
I'm so grateful. Thanks for asking me.
We're so happy that you're here. Yeah, yeah.
We heard you did a movie with Kevin Hart. Ooh.
Ooh. There's no applause? There we go.
Man, this audience is dumb. They don't, maybe they don't have streaming and they don't know who he is.
They don't know. Okay.
But you did, you did, you had a great time in this Kevin Hart movie, and I heard a little birdie told us that you punched Cate Blanchett. I did not kick, bro.
That's what we heard. Stop for a second.
Something about chicken strips. I didn't do it.
Well, tell the story to the audience. There was no fucking anything.
Audience, do you want to hear them tell the chicken strips Cate Blanchett story? Yeah. All right, so she came up to my room because I took the last chicken strip.
And? And she goes, hey, did you take my chicken strip? And I go, fuck yeah. And then she goes, she punches me in the face, man.
Audience, you love it? Yeah, yeah. Who did the wah, wah, wah, wah? Pete.
Pete, Pete. Don't ever do wah, wah, wah.
Oh, Pete, you're going to get fired. But thanks for the Red Bull.
I really appreciate it. Can we go back to the story? Pete, give me wah, wah one more more time for Bobby.
I know. Womp Womp Womp

Womp Womp

I know.

I hate that sound.

Out of all the

Womp Womp

that's the worst

Womp Womp

I've ever heard.

That's the worst

Womp Womp.

Yeah.

That's what happens

when I ejaculate.

That's the sound

that happens.

When you cum?

When I cum

and it goes down

you know how your penis

kind of slowly goes down

and the cum is

sorry, close your head.

Here's the sound Pete, here's the sound that comes out when I ejaculate. Ready? Yeah.
And this is mine. Go ahead.
I always smell it. Ew! I always smell it.
Why? Because I want to. All right.
Let's see if it's healthy or not. So anyway, so can I just finish my thing? God, I'm happy you're back I miss you So I go to the hotel room When I get the thing And there was a note saying Hey, congratulations I mean, not thanks Welcome to the movie I would love to meet you and it's Jamie Lee Curtis wow and I go what the fuck that's weird did she sign it yeah she signed it and then cool she texts me and she goes tomorrow lunch how does she have her phone number I don't know dude they can get anything they need they get whatever they want they get it all yeah she has my email my address everything let's get lunch yeah so I go oh fuck Now I'm like nervous right Did you think about what to wear No You wore a peyote t-shirt You gotta be yourself You gotta be yourself Yeah I guess you're right You do I don't give a fuck Yeah And so I go down It's me Janina Penn Jillette Penn I love Penn from Penn and Teller I know

and

and we all went to Burger King

shut up

shut up

that's it

they wanted to go to Burger King

no they didn't want

Penn goes

I want to go to Burger King

because they have a vegetarian

oh he's vegetarian

like there's a

impossible burger

a veggie burger

right

thing and I

we go alright we'll go

and we went to fucking Burger King

do you

there's a photo on my Instagram

of you at Burger King

yeah yeah

that's kind of cool

it was cool

you Jamie Lee Curtis

Penn Jillette

And Veggie burger thing. And we go, all right, we'll go.
And we went to fucking Burger King. There's a photo on my Instagram.
Of you at Burger King? Yeah, yeah. That's kind of cool.
It was cool. You, Jamie Lee Curtis, Penn Jillette.
That was cool. That was the first day.
That was day one. Day one.
Out of the gate, you're killing it. It's fun because I just wanted to say this.
That she is, if you hear anyone talk about that lady. Jamie Lee Curtis? Yeah.
She's one of the greatest women I've ever met in the business.

Yeah. Person.

Yeah.

Honestly.

No, I'm saying yeah,

I don't know her.

She's so sweet.

Like, you know,

there was one time where

I was in her hotel room

and we're just talking

on her couch

for like three hours.

Right.

Like she said that type of person.

What were you talking about?

Private stuff.

Share.

No.

Well, the sound that... Share.
The sound that happens when I masturbate. Share master share no i'm not gonna share because share share i'll share with you later share no share all right we talked about share share we talked about share you're talking about share yeah yeah and how we love moonlight so you sat on our couch you guys just chatted about yeah it was cool man was it deep and Cher? Yeah, yeah, and how we love Moonlight.
Do you believe Moonlight?

So you sat on our couch and you guys just chatted about- Yeah, it was cool, man.

Was it deep and philosophical?

Yeah, it was deep.

It was.

Yeah, because she knows-

Well, she's married to one of the most well-respected-

She's talented in her own right.

I'm not discrediting her.

She also happens to be married to one of the most talented writer, director, producers-

Christopher Guest.

In the history of comedy.

One of my idols. Same.
I got to work with him once and it was the coolest thing I've ever done. What would you do? He had a show on HBO called Family Tree.
I did an episode of it. Oh, my God.
Me and Matt Bronger. You know Matt.
Oh, I love Matt. We were Confederate soldiers at a reenactment.
Oh, my God. And this girl shot and killed us.
Whatever. The scene was fun.
But working with him was incredible those two people together that's hollywood what did they what do they call it power couples yeah yeah never again is that gonna happen i know like you can't get that no one does that anymore no and it's like um and when you're in that situation you just you're not yourself like you stepped out of yourself a little bit you're kind of you're you're pretending i feel like you're pretending to be someone that I'm not because you're kind of worried about what she like in my head I'm like don't say midget you know what I mean like I go through these things don't say that don't say that and just go through the motions because I'm a nice guy but I say fucked up things but you up things. But you say it in jest.
You're joking.

I do it in jest, right?

But it's like you don't want to like ruin it.

You don't want to be having coffee with Jamie Lee Curtis and be like, I mean, all lives kind of matter.

And she's like, what?

I don't want to spend all this time on fucking Budapest.

So let me just finish it.

What do you mean?

Let me just finish this.

The kids want to know where the boys have been.

Okay.

People thought we broke the band.

No, never.

Never. I thought about you twice.
Can I tell you? Twice. That's a lot.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's more than you thought about her.
Yeah. Can I share with them the one little moment that you gave before you continue? Bobby texted me and said, I'm going to crack.
And I said, what's going on? And then we FaceTimed and you were sad and you were bored. Yeah.
And you said it. I don you're gonna admit it But you said it That you missed me I did You said I missed you I did And I said I missed you too And I was driving through the rain in New Jersey And I was like I miss you too I know I did have a good moment It was a sweet moment Yeah it was a sweet moment I missed my boy And I did miss you But then Because that was What happened was When I first got there I shot for three days And then I had three weeks off And you did miss you.
But then because that was what happened was when I first got there, I shot for three days. And then I had three weeks off.
And you did nothing. Well, the first week, that's when I called you.
Yeah. Everyone was working.
And you were alone. And I was alone.
In the hotel. Well, there was a black actor.
Careful. From England who became Charles.
Me and Charles hung out. Me and Charles hung out.
Yeah. And he's a sweetie.
Okay. A real sweetie.
And we became good friends. Charles, what's his name? Charles what? His last name's difficult to say, so.
Say it. I'd have to look at it.
No, let's try it. Baba Blazing Abba.
Something like that. Charles Baba Blazing Abba? Yeah.
Let's look up Charles Baba Blazing Abba. Blazing Abba he was in the Mary Magdalene movie with River Phoenix is that him right there on the far left is that Charles Baba Blazing Abba that's him wow I can't believe that literally is him I genuinely can't believe his name is Charles can you zoom in on the name down there Charles Charles okay Charles.
Okay, let's have Rudy. No, let's have Rudy pronounce it.
How do you say that, Rudy? Charles what? Baba Lola. Baba Lola.
Charles Baba Lola. What a cool name.
He's a great actor. Charles Baba Lola? Yeah, and he's young.
Mr. Dabalina, Mr.
Bob Dabalina. English, and him and I hung out every fucking day.
How young is this young man? He's 30?

Look at how good looking he is.

Oh, man, he's so talented.

Babes love him, huh?

Yeah, but can I say this?

Yeah.

All his friends from England?

Yeah.

They're Asian?

They're Korean?

They're short.

They're old? Bad friends fans.

They're BF fans?

All the Brits are?

I would call.

Did he know that? Yes. He did? Yeah.
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He was the only one when I was on set where he was like, how did I? Well, he's English. Yeah, how did he sound? How did I? How did I? How did I? How did I? How did I? It's Bobby Lai that's pretty good Bob

yeah

holy shit

it's Bobby Lai

holy shit

it's Bobby Lai

and I'd be like

what's up man

he's like

come and have a cigarette

man

oh you go have a smoke

with him

yeah and like

you want a cigarette

with me

yeah I'd love to have

a cigarette with you

man

and would you guys

chat

and then we

we would have

breakfast

dinners

we would walk

around town

so you had a little

oh yeah

him and I were like

a little

little rush hour

but can you imagine

does he live in LA

no he lives in England

okay Thank you. And then we would have breakfast, dinners.
We would walk around town. So you had a little...
Oh, yeah.

He might have were like a little rush hour out there. But can you imagine...
Does he live in LA? No, he lives in England. Okay.
Because he could be living here now. But something happened between us.
You said the N word. Broke it up.
You can't. I told you.
You can't just say it. I know.
You can't. No, something happened.
So then last night he was in town. Yeah.
He's a big Manchester United fan. And they were in the Um

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah

Yeah I know. You can't.
No, something happened. So then last night he was in town.
Yeah. He's a big Manchester United fan.
And they were in the Europa League final. Yeah.
And he goes, Mike, come up and watch the game. You hate Man U.
I hate Man U. But I went to do it because it was his last night.
Sure. So I sat there and Man U lost in penalty kicks at the end.
Yeah. And he was like, out, mate.
He just kicked you out? Like we spent a week together every single day. And this is his last night.
Get out. And you could see tears walling.
He's out, mate. I'm like, well, it's good to me.
He's out. Out.
And then like an hour later, he texted me. And he's like, I'm sorry about that, man.
But you understand as a soccer fan. As a soccer player, I get it but it was a little rude so um did he know you were an arsenal fan yeah i told him we talked all you do is hang out no no i know but like you know how you said sometimes you get nervous you don't admit stuff like that seems weird because he was such a diehard man you fan you know is there is there a moment you're because i you didn't want to to tell him? No, because there was a guy named Ji-Soon Park.

Okay.

Who played for Man U Chester United.

He's a Korean dude.

And so that's my – when Ji-Soon Park was on Man U, I liked them.

Right.

Because he was Korean.

Right.

And he was a busy bee on the pitch.

He was just –

Hard worker.

Moving around.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just zipping around.

Right.

It was like he was on like a Hyundai factory. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Always out there.
Bolts, bolts, bolts. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wait, how about the guy that died then was survived? The soccer player that died and survived? With a heart attack. Wow.
Yeah, Erickson. By the way, the coolest move I've ever seen in sports was from the other team captain asked the players to form an arm chain fence around him so that if it was his last moments, they didn't want to broadcast on television.
Wow. What a classy move.
Yeah. He said to the other players, he goes, get around him right now in case this is his last moments.
He didn't want to broadcast to the world that people were going to watch him die on the pitch. Yeah.
And I thought that was such a cool... He used to play for Tottenham, which is Arsenal's nemesis.
Yeah. So there was a feeling.
So you almost wanted him to die. Yeah.
No, I'm sorry. No.
She didn't like it. She didn't like it.
I joke with it. But let me.
There he is. But by the way, he's alive.
Go back to. No, he is.
He is. And they put up implant in him.
What kind? Like a heart implant. Like a stimp? Yeah't know i don't know so god bless but here's what here's what god bless here's what made let's just just wrap up the whole strip no more no we're not done so when i got there what made me nervous was the day i had to go on the set and meet the director and you can name the director now eli roth eli roth huge you know who loves eli roth fans oh do you like eli i love eli great guy so eli goes thanks for joining us man i'm a big fan this and that and then he introduced me to kate and kevin everyone's there yeah did kevin like you man.
Did you tell Kevin you were a stand-up or not? He already knew me. He knew you.
And I just – he was a great – he was so good to me. Does that mean a lot? Dude, I'll tell you why.
Because I didn't tell you this. In the table read – so three weeks before I even go, I have to do a table read.
Right. And I get on, and I don't know anybody, and everyone's there, right? And I don't know Eli Roth.
I don't know anybody. It's on Zoom.
It's on Zoom, and it's like Saturday morning. So it's like 7 in the morning because it was like 5 o'clock in Hungary, and that's where a lot of people were.
I'm sitting there uncomfortable, and Kevin gets on. He goes, what's up, Bobby? On the Zoom.
Really? Yeah. In front of everybody.
In front of everybody. Wow.
Which broke the ice for me. What's your phone do? Nothing.
We turn it off? I already did. And it's rude.
I'm sorry. She wants to be involved a little bit more.
No! You will be. You will be.
Just let him finish the story. There's a couple of things I want to talk to you about too, so we'll get to you.
Let's do it now. No! No! I want to hear the rest of the Zoom story.
So anyway, that's what he did. So he said, what's up, Bobby? So when I got on the set, he was just absolutely as if, you know, we've known each other for all our careers.
Wow. Like he was like, he's a comic.
I know. Yeah, so he was, you know what I mean, funny and, you know what I mean, and he would laugh at my bits, like at my takes, because all my scenes are with him.
Yeah. So he would just laugh at my takes, and then- That's awesome.
It was actually the first day of shooting, I was so nervous, because I was out in the desert, and oh, so check this out. Hungary has a desert? So check this out.
I was so bummed, so check this out. Yeah.
So I'm dressed like- did I show you what I- So funny. Okay, so I'm dressed like- can we show a photo of it to the fans no we can't damn it but so but i can describe it i'm dressed like a stormtrooper no but it looks like a red stormtrooper a red stormtrooper but it looks like a um it looks like a like you know how space balls made fun of yeah yeah you look uh star wars you look like if you guys were making fun of Stormtroopers and it was like a comedy version of Stormtroopers.

Right.

That only looks like when the grown adults are wearing this outfit, which is what everyone else is like. When the full, like people with nice bodies, they look good.
Yeah, I look like a bobblehead. Right.
Right. It's a cartoon.
And now we're out in a desert. Okay.
And it's one of those sets where it's's just if you look like a half a mile down there's these gigantic green screen things up yeah and they all these like spaceships and machinery and like gigantic like dinosaur bones sticking out of the sand I mean it's like and there's three four five hundred people just a sea of people working on all kinds of stuff. And I'm in metal.
Everything's metallic, right? And they put a ponytail on the back of my head. That wasn't your hair? What do you mean? You showed a picture.
I thought that was your ponytail. It is my ponytail.
But they put a ponytail on the back. You mean they put your hair? They clumped all my head into the samurai...
And made it a ponytail. Yeah.
I'm describing it. Go ahead.
Right? Yeah. And so...
They gave you a ponytail? They just clumped that... You know how they clumped the back of your head? They made...
Go ahead. So I'm sitting there and the helmet won't come on my head because of the ponytail because of the ponytail right so and they're about to shoot so they go we gotta take all the padding out of the helmet of the helmet because it's a gigantic metallic thing right so they start ripping the padding out right so now they're just metal spikes inside the fucking helmet and edges right and they stick it on my head and there's metal like this right and i'm out there for six hours with a mask on no name do you have any lines no no lines and i'm also with 300 of people that look like me so they don't even know it's me right, this is what happens.
And this, I literally cried in my helmet. The sound guy who doesn't know, you know, he's Hungarian.
He doesn't know anything. What do they sound like? I can't even describe.
I know, this is my favorite when you try, though. I don't know.
So I'll just describe what he says, right? He goes, you know, you know, you're wearing the helmet. He's Japanese? Yeah.
You know, you're wearing the helmet. He's Japanese?

Yeah.

You know you're wearing the helmet.

Is this Christmas?

Wait, wait, wait.

You know.

Let me just do it that way.

Let me just do it that way.

He's Italian?

Yeah, yeah.

Well, that's close to Italy.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know you're wearing the helmet the whole time.

Oh, the whole?

And I go. I go.
I mean the helmet, right? I go, what do you mean? Even when I say my lines? He goes, yeah. Which means now imagine no one's going to know I'm in this movie.
Wait, you never show your face? That's what he says. Wait a minute.
What about when you're doing scenes with Kevin Hart? Exactly. So I go, well, I have dialogue with Kevin and he goes, no, you wear the helmet then too.

No.

Yeah, that's what he says to me.

No.

Now I have, yeah,

now I have this metal spiky thing in my head.

It's fucking 105 degrees.

Yeah.

I'm sweating, right?

I'm bleeding out of my face, right?

Now I'm in my head.

I'm like, oh, I'm an extra.

Yeah, your background.

No one's going to know.

Your background plus.

Right, and I'm just standing there with a gun

for like eight hours in the desert like this. And just like in so much pain.
Did you actually get to take your helmet off and have lines? No. With Kevin.
So check it out. This is what happens.
No one's going to know it's you. So check it out.
This is what happens. So there's a scene now where, all right, let's do, let's.
We have a scene with Janina and Bobby where, you know, he says there's a,, the plane, the plane. Yeah, the plane, the plane.
Right. So we rehearse it and they go action.
And I come with the fucking, I'm wearing the helmet. I pop in and I do my light, right? And then Eli goes, why do you have the helmet on? Oh, he was fucking with you.
No, the sound guy didn't know. Oh, I thought he was playing a joke.
No, the sound guy didn't know. And I'm like, I wanted to rat out the sound guy.
Shoulda. No.
Shoulda. So I just, oh, I just, I'm sorry.
He was like, take off the helmet. So I took the helmet off and then I did my lines and all the lines are without the helmet, obviously.
Yeah. But also would have been funny if they made you wear the helmet the whole time well that i i thought about that and i think that would have been a funny story yes i was there for six weeks and i just kept this helmet on right and then they could voice over my fucking voice yeah right and use like denzel washington just like just like a big handsome black guy like man what's going on yeah, I would probably relapse.
I probably would have relapsed.

That would have been really fucked up.

Well, what if you get cut out of this film?

I thought about that too.

There's no way to do it.

Huh.

There's no way to do it because there's a will, there's a way.

There's no way.

There's a will.

Because there's a through line in the thing.

About you?

The whole movie would not make sense if they just completely cut me out.

Really?

Yeah, because there's a scene where Kevin needs to escape this thing. Yeah.
And the whole reason why he's there is because of me. You know what I mean? Yeah.
So it's like it wouldn't make any sense. I think about those things.
I know you do. I don't really think.
I just got offered a role in a movie, by the way. What is it? I can't say it.
It's not real. Because it's not real.
It's not real. But I want it.
I know you'll get it. I want it.
And you'll get it and you'll get it and you deserve it and I hope it comes Tom Hanks right Tom Hanks Tom Hardy all the Toms are in it Tom Cruise Tom Hanks Tom Hardy Tom Hiddleston Tom Middleditch yeah yeah everybody's in it everyone's in it how about this I'm gonna actually say the movie that I did just get a role in. What? Well, unless I blow it, but I might do it.
No. Yeah? See, it's like, I want to be in that.
I'm probably not going to end up getting it. They said there's a thing for me, but they were like, we'll see.
Maybe. If it works, it'd be cool.
Yeah. But isn't that wild they're bringing that back? Yeah.
But can I tell you something that you and I should do? I did 10 escape rooms in Hungary because that's where it originated. Did they change? Or is it the same room that you tried to escape from? No, every corner has an escape room.
It's like our Starbucks. Isn't that just like what – don't people just want to get out of Hungary? Isn't it like – is that a metaphor for it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But so they have these- Have you been to an escape room? No, of course not. Okay.
That's an insane- Why would I do that? Can I just do this? Yeah. Right? I hate it.
I hate it. Why would I do that? I'll give you an example.
Claustrophobia, panic. If somebody told me, and this is not a joke.
Yeah. If somebody told me, you have to go into the escape room by yourself, Bobby, and you're not going to be able to eat unless you get out i'm going to kill myself no i'd be dead you would find my body there three weeks later in the skeleton and without any solving any of the puzzles it's so fucking you're in the first room you'd be you walk into a fucking room right and they go okay have fun and they lock you and they lock you in no and then you're like and you look around and you don't know what to do meanwhile who are you with i'm with edgar ramirez how cool janina they're all there charles went and they're like underneath tables writing down notes they're figuring it out they're figuring it out and then I became the guy to hold things.

Right?

They found puzzles.

Right?

They found like an object.

He's a key, but we don't know.

Bobby.

So you just held it.

Yeah, I held the key.

Yeah, you were a table.

And I would sit there and I would be sweating.

Right?

And they're like, are you going to do anything?

This is it.

You're doing it.

I don't know.

That's participating.

Have you tried it?

You and I should do one.

I will.

No, we should film it. Andreas, we should film Andrew and I doing an escape room.
Absolutely. Because they're so fucking hard.
Yeah, but did you have fun? No. See, that's what I mean.
They're the opposite of fun. That's why I don't want to do it.
I know, but we should do it. All right, we'll do it.
Yeah, but it's really hard. Will you come with us, Rudy? I think she would be good.

Dude, you see, she's so exhausted.

Everything, you asked her something.

I know, it's everything is to do with her.

Why don't you want to do it with us?

What's the reluctancy?

I just know that both of you will be fighting.

Yes.

Okay, that's why.

I know, but we need someone there to balance us out.

So why won't you balance?

You can be the mediator or whatever that is.

I don't want to be.

Oh, great. Okay.
Great. She don't want to be.
Oh, great.

Okay.

Great.

She doesn't want to do shit. I'm glad you're on the show.

Let me just tell you.

I wasn't even going to bring this up.

Bring it up.

There's a new guy.

Here?

No, no.

So in our family, right?

What do you mean?

There's this guy, right?

I don't want to say his name, but he's younger than you are.

No, he's older than you are.

Okay.

He's older than you are. Okay.
And he gets Kulia. Kulia.
Kulia, and you get Tito. Wait, what's Kulia? Kulia is brother.
Tito is uncle. Yeah, I'm Tito, Andrew.
Yeah, but he's older than you are, and he is brother. Who is this man? I can't bring his name up.
Atika Lila's, like, boy best friend. Boy best friend.
A boy best friend. Yeah.
Just a man in her life that was an old best friend? Yeah, and today in the car- Did they ever date? No. I think they did.
Something tells me they did. Ati Kalilah's sister and him dated.
Yeah, I think I knew something. There was something there.
There were some juices exchanged, right? There were some fluids. But she said something today in the car.
And how long have you known this guy? Two months. Two months.
Two months, right? And I asked you in the car, I go, who do you like more, me or this guy? And you said to me, the same. Equal.
Wow. Are you serious? Wow.
Why? He just feels like family. Let me ask you something.
Dude, you got a whole... This family member.
Holy shit. This new family member.
Did he give you a fucking job? What has he done for you? Did this family member give you shelter? What has he done for you? Has he given you food? He hasn't done shit. What did he do for you? Yeah.
He's funny. I know.
I pay for gas. Time out.
Yeah. He's funny.
She's funny. He's a nice guy.
He is. What's his name? I can't say it.
Let's give him a nickname. Let's just call him Frank.
No. Toby.
Toby. Okay.
With an I. Tell him Toby, right? Toby with an I.
And then, so here's another ridiculous thing. He's like family.
We got a new couch, and they go, Toby's coming tomorrow to put the legs on. No.
I can do that. They don't trust you to do it.
See, look at her. You don't, you don't trust them.
I know how to fucking screw in the legs on a couch. But let me, can I tell you something? What? I don't know how.
You don't. Yeah.
No, you don't. I know I don't.
I know I don't. And by the way, I'm going to.
I'll fuck it up. How about this? Will you ask Toby to take the legs off and see if he can put them back on? Yeah.
Shoot that. Yeah.
But if I, if I can put the legs on, will you give me respect? Maybe. Maybe.
Yeah. But so, you know, she likes us the same.
No. Yeah.
She said him or. And also, I get back.
I got back two days ago, and it's like, she says another rude thing today. I was cleaning the house.
Just no one told me to. You just started cleaning? Do you know why? Because.
Good guy. I'm a good guy.
You're a good guy. Yeah.
Clean guy yeah clean the house right why did you really clean the house i just felt it was a little clutter i think i was i made the mess maybe you made it so i'm just taking care of my thing picking up after yourself i had one cup of coffee on the fucking counter like this that i forgot right and she goes dito bobby what the fuck she said that i kind of like that When she gets assertive like that, I do like that. She was bossing people.
And when you were gone, dude, she would yell at Andres. Really? Yeah, she'd go, get in here, idiot.
And he would come in here. Oh, really? Yes.
And she goes, I want coffee, iced coffee. And he would go across the street and get her iced coffee.
And one time she took a sip and spit it in his face. Oh, wow.
She goes, too we're going we might be going to cancun right we're going to cancun bad friends is going to cancun bad friends is going to cancun i forgot to announce that that's right we're going to cancun november november november right first week in november and she and we got her some money to go yeah you're coming with us she wanted more do you remember that yeah she's she goes yeah she goes i'm not enough not enough for me not enough for me i go that because by the way you know what she you know what she said to me what do we all get the same hotel room because i want a suite that's what she said i can see i can see it you don't get a suite because we don't get a suite yeah we're all getting the same kind of room in fact you know what you're sharing a room with george and andrea she's going with kalilah K kalilah's going no kalilah's gonna stay with you and she's gonna get her own room and she's and no you were gonna get your own you're gonna share with pete and george and andres how about that i want my own room no no no you have to share with the boys yeah i had a sleepless night last night because you were so excited to come here that That and also I was thinking why don't why people don't ask me to do those Asian hate PSAs? Because you hate on Asians all the time? No, no, no. That's not it.
I'm a comic, right? So I make fun of everyone. Yeah, but Asians a lot.
It doesn't matter. If we did a super cut right now of the amount of times that you've done like the eyes and all that stuff.
That one has nothing to do with the other. Kind of.
No, no, no. Stop, stop.
Right? Let me just say something, okay? That I, right, have a job, which is I make fun of a lot of people. Everybody.
Everybody, right? And it's like, but Bobby Lee as a spokesperson is different.

He does.

I have feelings.

And I feel like Asian hate.

Are you Bobby Lee the comedian right now or Bobby Lee the spokesperson?

Right now, I'm Bobby Lee the spokesperson.

So the peyote shirt that you're wearing right now, do you think that's a good message we're sending to people?

You're wearing a shirt that says peyote on. I think it awakens people's minds.

It opens people's minds.

Okay, good.

Okay.

And I'm a sober guy and I'm wearing this.

Right. Is that sending a good message? I didn't know this.
I thought this meant Pepsi and Spanish. Is this his peyote? Yeah, it's his peyote.
Oh, yeah. I didn't know.
I just got this. But anyway.
Is he racist towards Asians? I don't think so. Yeah, yeah.
No, I love Asians. Look at me.
Look at me. Be honest.
And also, hey. Is he racist towards Asians? Bro, bro, bro.
Dude, but let's not get us twisted. Stop Asian hate.
I want to speak out for it, but my point is last night, let me just finish what I'm saying, right? You're mad. I'm mad.
I'm going, why would they ask me? Because everyone's doing it, right? Who? Like Randall Park. John Cho.
John Cho. Cho Ken John everyone gets invited

everyone

but those are serious

Olivia Munn

no they're not

and I never get asked

I can do a watch

let's do one

hold on one second

look into your single

and let's do a real

give me the line though

no let's do a real

stop Asian hate

yeah but give me the lines

I need someone written out for me

okay well

let me feed you some stuff

and you figure it out

okay

so you gotta say

hey it's me it's Bobby Lee

hi

okay

let me just give you everything

and you can put it together

can I just do it

yeah do it in real time

Thank you. Well, let me feed you some stuff and you figure it out.
Okay. So you got to say, hey, it's me.
It's Bobby Lee. Hi.
Okay. Let me just give you everything and you can put it together.
Can I just do it? Yeah, do it in real time. Hey, this is Bobby Lee and I'm a comedian.
I wouldn't say that, right? Do people say what they are? For you, you'd have to. Because they would see you and go, who the fuck is that? Right, right, right, right.
Hi, I'm Bobby Lee and I'm a podcaster and comedian and a sometimes actor. And in this day and age, in this climate.
In this day and age, in this climate. I'm getting sick and tired.
I'm sick and tired of Asian Americans. Kung flu! I can't help myself.
I can't help myself. Kung flu.
That's why they can't have you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because even though you're going to make a joke about it, they're never going to publish that. Yeah, but I thought, I thought, the reason why they don't ask me, right? I literally thought, it's because I know too many white people.
You're friends with too many whites. I have so, I'm pretty much, I think, maybe white.
So this morning, this is what I did. Your circle of Asians is very small.
It's the people you live with and that's it. But what did I do this morning? This morning I woke up early Which before nine And I called an Asian guy Who? My friend Gene Okay So I go what's going on? Just to check in? And he goes what's going on? It's early I go you want to have breakfast? No Yeah I drove to Larchmont To have breakfast? With my Asian friend What Chinese food place did you guys go to? We went to- I figured you would go to an Asian place.
No, we went to Creation. Create? Korean? No, Creation.
It's fucking juices. Oh, it's like bowls and stuff.
Yeah, but not sushi, tuna bowls. Like boba and stuff.
No, that's not boba, dude. It's just like regular juice that you would get.
Oh, like bim-bim-bap and all that stuff. Yes, all right, bim-bim-bap.
We went to a Korean place, you fucking asshole. So I'm sitting there, right, and I'm like, you know, because I'm literally thinking to myself, I'm switching it.
Oh, you're going to now only hang out with Asians? I want to start reaching out so that I can get invited to these PCAs. Not because you actually like these people.
I just want people to ask me to do these PCAs. So I asked i go you know i was uncomfortable but i go psa is it psa i think it's psa is it what's pca i don't know well what would you guess the acronym would stand pca what would that public consumer was it pca advertisement isn't it public service announcement that's what it is psa i I fucked it up.
your PSAs are Oh your personal care assistant That's what you are Yeah Look at that's Bobby Maybe that's why I don't get asked During breakfast I go So Do you get In the last couple months Have you been Because he's in the business Are you getting attacked No are you You know Are you involved in protests And this and that He goes This is what he says to me He goes No i was in hawaii with adam levine i go he's more white than wider than i am then how is he getting invited right so he's not either but he's not a comedian yeah but he's a what is that oh yeah alpha ears oh yeah kalilah sent me this by the way i know and she sent it to me too and i love fears are trending in china are undergoing surgery to get them. And you know what? Yeah.
This is dope. So Bobby can't make fun of you anymore for your ears.
But I only have one elf ear. Show the one elf ear.
Take off your headphone and show the one elf ear. Yeah, yeah.
See, that's what they've been. So weird.
So good. So weird.
Look, it is an elf ear. Yeah.
You know, people are shaving the corners to make him look more elfish. You could be a good elf.
I think you should. Your attitude is so stinky.
What did I do? That. What's your deal? What's going on with you? What's going on with you? Nothing.
Did you congratulate her on her graduation? No. It's not that big of a deal.
Because I did it. Yeah, you did it.
Graduate it anybody can do yeah pete pete did you graduate high school yes no way i know did you really pete yeah yeah of course what high school did you go to pete it's like asking lenny from meis and men did you where'd you go to high? Glendora High School. Where's Glendora? Is that inland? It's inland, about 20 minutes east of Pasadena.
Wow, this doesn't matter at all, this conversation, does it? Pete looks like a guy that would like just to kill time crush mice in his hands. He does.
Yeah, just crush mice. I took care of the mice.
Pete, you're a lovely guy. What year did you graduate high school? 2004.
Did your parents give you anything when you graduated? Yeah, we had a big party. But did they give you money or a gift? Yes.
They did. What did they give you? Like cash.
How much, Pete? I don't remember. A bunch of relatives gave me cash.
did you get money when you graduated I got a car

you got a car

what did you get when you graduated

we ate at the Korean barbecue

Chosun

do you have a spot tonight? it's Saturday

I don't took off tonight

my mom and dad are in town

it's father's day by the way

happy father's day

I know your dad is dead

Thank you. dad are in town it's father's day by the way happy father's day i know your dad is dead but mine's not i actually have two of them stepdad and a regular dad here's your dad no you want to wait wait no he's not wait about years? Your dad isn't even this.
Your dad is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Your dad's in the wind.

Yeah.

Your dad's dead.

You got a dead dad.

I know.

Dead dad.

Andres, you have a dead dad or a real dad?

Or a live dad?

Alive dad.

What about you, Pete?

Alive dad.

What about you?

Alive.

You know what?

Loser.

I know, I'm a loser.

But guess what now? What? When your dads die, Yeah Who's gonna be gleeful? You are You are Yeah yeah And I'm gonna spit right in your face You know what? Hey I'm gonna say your dad dad Right in your face My dad's gonna live so much longer I know He's gonna live for a long time He's a terrible person And that's the No he's not Yeah yeah yeah Real bad guy He's great too Yeah yeah look what he raised a piece of fucking garbage don't be mad is your dad's dad i'm gonna go golfing with my alive dad we're gonna have so much fun we're gonna go get food he's gonna have a heart attack tomorrow like erickson but he erickson lived not your dad you think he's gonna die like your dad yeah ground up into sand and be on someone's mantle yeah where is your dad right now he's in the garage is he really yeah the bottom half oh you kept the bottom and your brother that's upper half yeah god bless you the dead um your father was a great man and uh he really wasn't he wasn't no he was violent but let's pretend okay but great guy god bless the dead yeah and i'm sorry that your dad's not around yeah and you know what you're just going to be a good dad and you're going to do all the things that he never did do you want to tell everyone the good news yeah that you're having a baby do you want to tell people i told you not to well all right i thought we wanted she doesn't even know you're having a baby okay we won't talk about it dude i won't we won't talk about it Yeah, but I fucking told you not to do that Okay, we won't talk about it They'll blank it out They can cut it out Yeah, but I don't want anyone to fuck it out You guys have to cut that out We'll cut it out Andres, so good to go with the bib We'll cut it out I'm sorry Hey sorry. I fucking, she fucking.
Okay, pretend you don't know. Can you pretend you don't know? Yeah.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
We're not having a baby. You guys fucked it up because that could have been really good.
That could have been good. Yeah, but then him saying.
It fucked it up. It fucked it up.
You can't trust it up a little bit too no i was you should have played it a little bit better but i was playing it because we could have fucked her up no no i was it was we could have made it seem like she didn't you still think it might have happened yeah yeah no but we could have really dug it in i know but i pretended like it was wasn't it was a joke and then she thought in her head well he's just doing it was good though no you did a good job it was pretty good huh yeah what's the new job that you got will you tell everybody another acting job they're doing a movie no they're doing a uh a limited series on what i don't know what it is no what network is on netflix oh it's on hbo yeah wow yeah what are you doing on that show I play a fucking podcaster. No shit.
Yeah.

They didn't need... Oh, it's on HBO.
Wow. What are you doing on that show? I play a fucking podcaster.

No shit.

Yeah.

They didn't need another one?

What do you mean?

They didn't need like another one with you?

No, because the podcaster is with the two girls that are on the show.

Maybe they need another guy.

They didn't.

Ask them!

No, because it's like, let's say I'm say i'm just listen to me okay just hear me out right let's say i'm i'm in the 60s right late 60s and i i i work for a college and i need to put on a show what city i'm in wisconsin somewhere right milwaukee right you just whatever dude let me just listen Korean guy in Wisconsin, Milwaukee? Yeah, yeah. And I'm like, I need to get a band, right, to play our school, but I can't afford Simon and Garfunkel, so I'm going to hire Simon.
I'm Simon. No, I'm Simon.
I'm Simon. No, I'm definitely Simon.
I'm Simon, You're Garfunkel. And so they asked Simon to do it.
I'm Simon.

And they go, Garfunkel, we don't have the budget for him. Diamond's on the shoulders of our fucking shoes.

I'm Simon.

No way.

I'm Simon.

Dude, I'm Cher.

You're Garfunkel.

I'm Cher.

You're Sonny.

No, you're not.

You're Sonny.

You're Sonny.

No.

Sonny died.

I'm a tree killed Sonny.

You're Sonny.

No, you're Sonny.

I'm definitely Cher, dude.

No, you're not.

You're not pretty enough.

Yeah.

You're not pretty enough.

I'm Tina.

No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're the abuser.

I don Bobby Brown. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I'll beat the shit out of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You bitch. Honestly, though, like in Wham, I'm George Michael.
No one even knows the other guy's name. That's who you are.
Who's the other guy in Wham? I don't know Wham. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, because I'm under 50. You're definitely the second.
I'm the first. You really think that? I'm the first.
Maybe. I think Garfunkel thought he was the first.
He walked around going, you know what I mean? No, no, no. I'm the first, right? Andrew Ridgely.
Yeah, Andrew Ridgely. And he was the other guy in the duo.
The other guy in the room. Yeah, yeah.
I feel... What is he, shooting heroin? I mean, he must feel real bad.
No, what do you mean? He's cas and checks. I know.
You know who I feel bad? How much is Andrew Ridgely worth? Type that in. That guy's cash and checks.
But you know who I feel bad for in terms of music? Who? Pete Best. Why? Do you know who that is? Why do you feel bad for Pete Best? Do you know who that is? No.
Then why would you ask? I have no idea who that is. All right, so.
30 million laughing all the way to the bank. Oh, wow, killing it.

So let me ask you something.

Yeah.

So Pete Best, right, was the original drummer for the Beatles.

Oh, before Ringo, huh?

Before Ringo.

And Pete Best goes, guys, I'm going to go to art school.

And they're like, Pete, please.

Drum with us.

Yeah, and he went to art school, that guy. Where is he now don't i mean what happened to pete best what happened to be best damn that's so sad and they kick and then they were like well you know they got ringo right and then they blew up the biggest band of all time having survived depression in a suicide attempt yeah it makes sense he's now a contended family man who tours the world with his own group, Pete Best Band.
His story began in India where he was born to an Indian medical student, a British Army captain in Liverpool. Wow, so he's touring the world now.
Let's look up Pete Best tour dates. Can we go to PeteBest.com and see if some of his tour dates? Would you go to a Pete Best show with me? I would have killed it myself.
He thought about it. He tried.
I know. He's a family man now.
That's one, that's an old, that's a Jerry Seinfeld joke that I loved. What? These guys that attempt suicide and they don't complete the task.
And he goes, that's just one more thing they're not good at. That's a funny joke.
That was a great joke. That was a very dark Seinfeld joke.
That's a really good joke. By the way, I have a famous musician story.
I hung out with fucking Maynard James Keenan of Tool. When? I just went to his restaurant.

Me and Rogan went to his restaurant in Arizona.

He has a winery in Scottsdale we went to.

Two nights in a row.

It's fucking awesome.

You like Tool?

You a fan?

I have ever...

I listen to all their albums.

Well, we hung out all night.

Saw our comedy.

Loved us.

Seven...

Tempest, but with seven...

Seven...

Seven...

That song is great. It was great.
And he fed us wine and told us how he homemade champagne. Interesting cat.
You know, I'll be honest with you. And he said he's a big fan of the show.
Of what? Of Bad Friends. Don't lie to me, man.
I'm lying. He didn't say that.
I know he didn't. Yeah, he had no idea who I was.
He never heard of me in his entire life. But he knows you now.
He thinks my name is Anthony. But I'm a huge fan of his.
No, he was very cool, man. It makes me jealous.
That shouldn't. You hung out with fucking Cate Blanchett and Jamie Lee Curtis and Edgar Ramirez.
And what do you mean? I went and had pizza at fucking Maynard's restaurant. That's true.
How much do 150 bucks how much is it 300 to do that you could do that I could do that at home me and you should do that 300 we'll do 200 we'll do 225 Pete you get your haircut for 25 dollars yes wait let's guess let's all guess where pete gets his haircut from super cuts you say super cuts what do you say i don't know i know floyd's okay floyd's yeah i change your answer what do you say bob's jr bob's jr bob's jr jr's a great haircut place i said they all closed but there's still a. Yeah, there's one on Pico.
Yeah, yeah. I'm going to guess Fantastic Sam's.
I think his wife cuts it. My wife cuts it.
You pay your wife to cut your hair? No, I don't pay her. You said $25, Pete.
Wait, wait. Kalilah and I got a haircut today, and I paid for both of them $2.50.
Because it's just a haircut. Oh, is that why?

It's just a haircut.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

$250?

I got streaks.

How much?

Yours costs $100?

My guys are the best.

$100?

Great.

You didn't do anything different to your hair.

It looks the same.

It doesn't look the same.

You said my face looks thinner.

Your face does look thinner.

Then that's it.

But he just shaved the side of your head.

Yeah, but he also does... What? He um a hundred for a hundred dollars yeah cross cut what i know what do they call they he uh how they chop chop layer it they layer it yeah a hundred dollar layering job yeah yeah there's there really yeah all right if there's a if there's someone out there that wants to start cutting bobby's hair please let us know yeah because a hundred dollars is what you probably cost when you get thousands twenty dollars because there's not a lot of hair to not a lot of hair to cut yeah yeah it's like six or seven bucks yeah but i don't pay a hundred dollars yeah that's insane you could spend a thousand on your eyebrows though are you jealous no your eyebrows are disgusting are you jealous because your eyebrows don? Yeah.
Look at your little thin bullshit eyebrows that they blend into your face. It's beautiful.
You know what? I just don't think you... I think you should keep it like that so you don't accent your eyes.
That's the problem. You don't want to show those things off.
My beautiful eyes? Those little beady holes that you've got. All right.
Cancel. Cancel yourself.
Oh, really? Oh, yeah. Cancel myself? Yeah, cancel yourself.
Because I said you have beady eyes?

Yeah.

That's not even a fucking ethnic slur.

You want to say gook eyes?

Of course I do.

That's what you want to say.

But I can't say it.

Yeah, you can't say it.

Because the New York Times will say he called one of his good friends the G word.

Say it.

I can't.

One, two, three.

What?

Oh, I thought you were going to say it. Thank you for being a bad friend.
No. Oh? Oh, I thought you were going to say it.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

No.

Oh, what?

I thought you were going to say the G word.

No.

One, two, three.

I asked Rick Glassman if he wants to direct The Bottoms of Turtle Island

Okay so I have a proposal for you

For real

Does that hurt

Oh is Andrea's going to direct it

Well let me give you something real

Do you know who Steve Howey is

I love Steve you know him I did a pilot with him once he reached out to me because a friend of his has a script for Bottom of the Turtle Island and they want to shoot it wait wait based on our description of the show yeah like he put it together are you being real? I am beyond serious but they actually have a budget and they actually are willing to shoot this in Hawaii with us up to bottom turtle island I swear to god it's so ridiculous they want to do it would Jules be yeah you're in it what do you mean? it's you I don't know how to act you're in it. What do you mean? What do you mean? You're the fucking...
It's you. You're the lead.
It's you. I don't know how to act.
You're doing it right now. You're doing it right now.
You're acting like you want to be here sometimes. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. We're doing it.
I'm dead serious. Wow.
Yeah. Who's going to direct it? That's up for us to decide, I think.
Let's think, though. Do you like Andres? I think And have to do it just for a second because it can't be good no we want it to be bad all right andres you're hired thank you guys no but andres really come in here do you want to see him in here yeah he's down there on camera all right so andres Okay.
All right? Let me ask you something, all right? What would you bring to the movie? Sell us. Enthusiasm.
We're taking a coffee meeting with you right now. Yeah, yeah.
Sell us on the fact that you want to be the director of the film. Go ahead.
Little guys. Little guys? No.
You start off with an insult? Oh, shit. Fuck you.
Look, guys, my movie, The Devil Below, is number three on Netflix right now.

Because who?

I promoted it.

That's what I'm saying.

Like, this team works.

Oh.

Good twist.

Good sound.

That's good.

So tell me, what can you bring to the film that other directors couldn't?

Well, I know you guys well.

For example, I know that Bobby probably doesn't want to do too many takes.

Okay.

That's not true.

First of all, listen.

That sounds valid.

No, at the end of the day, we would be directing it. He can be on the...
You want him to DP it? No, he'll be the director, but obviously we're like, you're shooting everything on medium? No, get a fucking wide. So we're going to boss him around.
Yeah, we'll boss him around. Okay.
So how many directors can be bossed around in Hollywood? That's true. This is interesting.
This is interesting. So are you willing to let us boss you around and push you around on set and also step on your shot list and also deny almost every request that you have? Don't I do it every week? Andreas, and this is what's going to happen.
This is actually really good. This is what we're doing and we're going to take in, right? Yeah.
Andreas, give me a note, an acting note, and this is what I'm going to respond with.

Well, let's finish the scene and then he can tell us, all right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So we have to get down there immediately or they're going to kill us.

Would you suck my dick again?

Fine.

All right.

Cut.

That was good, Bob.

That was really good.

Thanks, man.

Honestly, man.

Killing it today.

What's up?

What's up?

Bobby, that was great, but can you put a little more emotion when you look at Andrew in the

eyes?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can you give me a cup of coffee?

Yep, coming up.

That's exactly what I'd say.

Yep, coming up.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fancy.

Maybe you do have the job.

And then he comes back with the coffee.

We've already done nine more takes.

We already kept going.

Yeah, yeah, we kept going.

Let's go.

Keep rolling.

Keep rolling, right?

Let's do this in a runner.

How many coffees do we send to him to go get? Oh, every time. All day needs to call background do you need coffees get him make him get coffee for background right but this is a real proposal we have a proposal to actually shoot the bottom turtle island that's amazing it's a real thing yeah so um it's a how many characters are in it that's the thing what what let me this is very isolated yeah let me ask you something i forget because i think get on the island Well you were working You went home to eat ramen Below the Chinese restaurant And you go to sleep And when you wake up You're under sand in the island That's right So we wake up there And we don't reveal that mystery yet.
Right. Is this a short or we're doing a full feature? I think it's 125 minutes.
We could fill 125 minutes. The script was 225 pages.
He said, we'll shoot half of it. Wow.
I do have a script. I'm going to send it to you for real.
Are you being real? I swear to God, this is real. This guy just, so he listened to Bad Friends.
Howie called me. Steve Howie.
Yeah, who's the shit. And he said, hey, you know, he played a little catch up and he goes, I have a weird request.
I have a friend who's a fan of the show. He has a script.
They have a budget. They actually have money to shoot this in Hawaii.
And if you guys want to do it, we can do it. So I called the guy.
100%. I called the guy and I said, are you for real? He goes, I swear to God.
And he sent me the materials. And he said this week, will you talk to Bobby about it? And I said, well, we'll talk about it on the show.
Wow, this is going to become a reality. So what's the budget though? I think they all turn in their permits for money.
It's like a hundred bucks. Right.
Let me ask you something. Could we? We're going to lose money on it, but it's going to be fun as fuck.
Oh yeah, because we won't get paid. No, paid.
No, no paid no there's no way no yeah you won't get paid and then we you have to take a boat to get to hawaii yeah yeah but for for makeup and special effects i already know the woman i want to use okay fine jen espinal okay it's locked it's whatever we want they want to work jen espinal okay she's uh she's won some awards but she did she was snl now be real we can't afford someone that's won awards, dude. No, but she's a friend.
We're working on a shoestring budget. She did SNL for 20 years back in the day.
She is not doing this. And then she did Mad TV when I was on for like 15 years.
We can't ask her for a favor. She's a real.
She's real. No, Jen Espinall will do it.
She will. And she's great at prosthetics and special effects.
Imagine her listening to this in her car being like, No! No! I'm making Jen Espinel do it. Okay.
Because that's where the money will go. I'm asking.
The money will go there. Well, the money has to go to editing and all that shit, and cameras.
How do we get her to look like that? She kind of looks like that. Yeah, that's true.
That's not a lot. Actually, you know what? Yeah, yeah.
Well, we just have to grow out your fingernails and dye them yellow.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But this is going to come to fruition.

Yeah, that's amazing.

Those that sleep will die first.

That's what they say.

You cannot sleep.

Yeah, that's amazing.

It's a great story.

It's so fucking funny.

The fans want it.

It's ridiculous.

I think it's going to happen.

In between all the other stuff that you've got going on, we do need to make this happen for real. I would not work again to make this happen.
Really? 100%. Okay.
This right here is going to ruin our career. It'll be, it's dead.
Okay. But I have to see it through.
Yeah. It's one of those things like if it dies, it dies.
But what would this, really, truly,

this could be one of those,

like this is like-

Yeah, but us sucking each other's,

there's a lot of dick sucking in it.

We can, we,

but that's,

dude,

Is that in the script?

I think so.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's 2021, dude.

People are down

for cool shit like that now.

I know,

but isn't there,

like let me just say,

when we're in the bottom,

isn't there a lot of guys

in there where all,

there's a lot of

Fellini shit going on?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

There's a lot of men

blowing each other.

Caligula.

Caligula,

tons of Caligula.

That's it. isn't there a lot of guys in there there's a lot of Fellini shit going on yeah there's a lot of men blowing each other Caligula

but the cool thing about what's going on right now

societally is that

who's gonna get mad at us for doing

shit like that on film

but let's try to make it great

we're gonna make it really good

no I'm being real

I wanna make this movie

yeah let's make it great

there's only one point of contention

Thank you. make it great.
We're gonna make it really good. No, I'm being real.
So am I. Yeah, yeah.
I wanna make this movie.

Yeah, let's make it great.

There's only one point of contention.

What?

The guy said, we love you guys,

but we also know globally we wanna sell tickets.

Let me just say, guys,

here's where the slam is.

He's gonna slam me,

and it's gonna hurt, but I have a slam back. So, honestly, honestly, I'll only do it if Bill Burr plays your part.
Okay. Okay.
And if Ken Jeong plays your part, then I'll do it. All right.
So we're not going to get it. Slams aside, we do have to do the whole thing in Chinese because they need to sell this to China.
Okay, that's the slam? No. That's a you slam.
No, I'm just saying, do we have to talk like that? We have to talk like that. Or they can just get a guy to dub it.
No, I'll have a Chinese guy dub it. That'd be funny.
But this does need to sell overseas. Okay, no one's gonna...
Let me ask you something. Our audience is huge in China.
I know, but... Huge.
No, they're not. Yes, we have a ton of Chinese fans.
When I was in fucking Hungary, I was testing it out. Hungary is in China! I know, but I went to...
I tested it a ton of Chinese fans When I was in fucking Hungary I was testing it out Hungary is in China I know but I went to I tested it out I went to There was this place Where there's a Ferris wheel And skateboarders And all these young kids That's where the Chinese are No In Hungary I got recognized For a month and a half Twice Bobby From fucking Bad Friends Hungary Twice That's not our market That's not our market. That's not our market.

Yeah.

Our market is Ireland, Philippines, China.

Yeah.

Korea?

Not really.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If I'm being honest, it's mostly China.

All right.

Speaking of which, did you see John Cena speaking Chinese?

No.

What?

No.

Can you play this clip?

Can you play John Cena?

You don't know this?

No.

He called Taiwan. Fuck, fuck i'm gonna fuck it

up john cena speaks no that's not it it john cena apologizes in chinese

Hello China, I'm Chow Xina.

I must say that now, in the future of the city, I have done a lot of interviews. So in one interview, I...
How does that work for information? Hun juniao means very important. I love and respect China and the Chinese people.
Sorry about my mistake.

Sorry.

He's very sorry.

He said it five times.

Again, he really doesn't respect the Chinese people.

Yeah, they can't fuck up fast in their videos.

Right.

What he did was he called Taiwan.

What did he say about Taiwan?

Go back. I was just mesmerized that he

could speak Chinese that well. Yeah.

It was fucking real.

Startling to me. You know, I've

done two sketches with him. Do you ever see that?

Do you ever see 24? Here.

John Cena apologized because we referred to Taiwan as a country.

Can I promote my own shit?

This whole show. Yeah.

If you go to YouTube 24 with Bobby Lee and John Cena.

Have you seen it?

Yeah.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

That's it.

That's a good album. Yeah.
Woo. Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.