Bobby Lee Rocks the Scissor Bros

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Only available with TurboTax Live full service. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Ooh.

Ooh. or something.
We're bad friends. We're bad friends.
You're my friend. You're very bad.
Probably the worst friend You look like Muppet You look like Godzilla's pre-com Stevie Weeby is in the house Bad friends, bad friends Bad friends to the end You got a baby You got a baby. You got a baby.

And you got a lady.

And she's gone.

She's in Vegas.

All the guys are hitting on her right now.

The old Bob is in Vegas too. They do.
He's jerking off on her chest jerking off on her chest Brendan Shaw wants to fuck her too Brendan Shaw wants to fuck her too all night long he wants to grab her by the hand

Hair dog

Hair dog

He's got a very, very big muscular penis

He wants to insert inside her

Filipino flower

His dick has deltoids

Bad friends

Bad friends

Friends to the end

I'm sorry. as deltoids.
Bad friends. Bad friends.
Friends to the end. Friends to the end.
You gonna sing a lyric? You sing the next four, the next, you sing the next you sing the next chunk. Go ahead.
They can't hear you. Do the mask.
Take the mask off. Take the mask off! Are we recording? Yeah, we are next.
You're doing the next of yours. Okay.
Bad friend. My friend Andrew.
Yeah. He is a ginger.
Yeah, yeah. Colder than winter.
Yeah, he Bobby He has a tummy Bad friends Last name Santino Has red pubes Downstairs Downstairs he has freckles too Bobby has gangrene on his feet It smells like diarrhea And fungus Don't talk about my feet Bad friends His feet are so gross Bad friends Don't talk about my fucking feet Don't talk about my fucking demons. Don't talk about my...

Jeremiah is next.

Bad friends.

His feet look like they died in a coal mine in 1922.

We did it.

We did it.

Welcome, Jules.

Good to see you.

Hi.

Okay, good.

What's up, Andrew?

No, let's not do that anymore. Okay.
It's so good to see you. Good to see you.
Hi. Okay, good.
What's up, Andrew? No, let's not do that anymore. Okay, sorry.
It's so good to see you. Good to see you.
I love you and my family and I love you the most. Take the wig off.
You'll play Jeremiah now. Why don't we start off with a little prayer? Oh, yeah.
I brought a knife. Oh, you still want to do the bit? Oh, just for one more minute because I brought a knife.
Yeah. Okay.
Go ahead. Let's start with a prayer.
Okay. Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for blessing us today and allowing me to see my brother.
I am going to get vaccinated soon. Are you really going to? Yeah, I am.
Do you know who to call? Yeah, my friend Eric is working on it as we speak. Wait, Eric works at a clinic? He knows someone at a clinic.
But you could just... Anyway.
This is my prayer, though. This is my prayer.
Thank you for allowing Jeremiah to be here today. Thank you, Tito Bobby.
Thank you for allowing us to start Scissor Bros podcast together. Yeah.
And thank you for our health and that we're allowed to podcast during these times. These times.
Thank you for allowing us to have food in our systems every day. Yeah, in our bodily systems because In our bodily systems.
Yeah, we need nutrients. We need nutrients.
And thank you for the sunlight. Whoa.
You know, a lot of people don't ever think the sun. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Without the sun, what happens? You die.
Maybe. You will.
Okay. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then do the closer.
We say this in your name.

Let's do our God.

What's the song?

How does it go?

Our God is an awesome God.

He reigns from heaven above.

All right, right.

Okay.

Our God is an awesome God.

He reigns from heaven above with wisdom, power, and love.

Our God is an awesome God.

Yeah, I love it. I love it.
Do you still believe in Jesus? No. What happened because you were so devout? Oh, I got brainwashed.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, good.
Yeah, yeah. That allowed me not to get girls in high school.
You already know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Do you jerk off still every night? know what i was i was staining for months you know that yeah i know you were doing good for like two three months you were doing good i folded brother in a major i just got you know yeah yeah but like you because i've done that i think i've lasted myself about 27 days.
It's difficult.

I was doing meetings and everything.

Oh, you were?

Oh, yeah.

Zoom meetings, all that.

Yeah.

Now, the baby, Jeremiah.

How is it?

Is it a boy or girl?

It's a boy.

So happy.

Yeah.

And so excited.

Yeah.

What's the boy's call?

I texted Bobby and he didn't respond.

His name is Wilder.

That's a great name.

Gene Wilder? Yeah. Like Wilder Watkins.
Wilder Watkins. That's a great name.
Wilder J. Watkins.
Strongly. Wow.
Beautiful. Did you have an argument with your girl about that? No, we came up with it together.
Oh, she was like, who said it first though? She did. She brought up, we were watching a Gene Wilder movie and she goes, what about Wilder? I go, I love that.
That's great. Yeah.
I love how that happens. Yeah.
Yeah. Because I'm glad it's not like the standard, like, call it Jeremiah because you're first born.
Right. And it's going to be Jeremiah the second.
I don't have that much ego on me. Oh, you don't? Jeremiah Jr., no.
Yeah. Have you been at the comedy stores or any? No, it just opened up on Friday.
And I went. I went last night and Saturday.
Oh, nice. It was just weird.
It was good to be back. I didn't perform.
I just went to hang out. What was the capacity there? Like how many people were in the main room? Probably about, in the main room, probably about 75, 80 people.
Okay. So yeah, that's for the main room.
But they were still like scattered. But it was good to see everybody.
I saw, you know, the whole gang. Yeah.
You know, Bill Burr was there. A bunch of people.
And then last night I went to, you know, Brian gang yeah you know bill burrow was there a bunch of people and then last night i went to you know brian monarch show down in hollywood have you been to that one supernova yeah i've done a couple times it's great i mean it looks amazing it's an amazing show i went there with spade and um tim dylan yeah and um it was just i just needed to go just to get my juices flowing i'm scared of it oh You haven't done it in a while. Yeah, I'm scared of it.
Are you rusty? Yeah, I'm rusty. You are? I don't know what I'm...
You don't need to do it up there? I'm scared to do it. You're scared? I'm scared to do it.
So it's like you're an open-miker again. Yeah, I feel like it...
No, well, settle down. Okay.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Settle...
Don't you have to apologize? Okay, okay, okay. Listen, Steve, I'm? Listen, Steve.
I haven't seen you in a long time.

I love you.

I haven't seen you in so long.

You don't miss me?

Of course I miss you.

But I feel like I see you all the time because we play Warzone together every night.

Yeah, but it's not the same.

I know.

Because you get annoyed by me when we play Warzone.

I feel like you're not having fun anymore.

You're doing Cold War shit.

I'm not having fun with that.

You're not enjoying resurgence. You know? I know.
I'll like you're not having fun anymore. You're doing Cold War shit.
I'm not having fun with that. You're not enjoying resurgence.
You know. You know.
I know. I'll tell you.
Well, I think. Well, what's your excuse? Because.
We want to play that. Just listen to what you're saying.
What? Okay. Listen to what you're saying.
Okay. And then put your age into it.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So I'm 50 and we're talking about, you know what I mean? You're not know i'm a man child yeah i know but it's like that i think that's a part of it yeah because when you were not you me and dylan are doing chemical engineering chemical engineering you and then when we wherever whenever we drop into chemical engineering you get really excited like a little baby yeah because i like going i going. I have like a whole.
Oh, yeah. Great.
You know what I mean? I have a routine. You know, you have my routine.
Yeah, you know what door to go in. I know what chest is there.
Yeah, yeah. I'll get my bullfrog.
It makes me want to vomit. All right, then.
We can play a different game. No, I want to put.
Okay. I've tried to play with Steve recently.
Yeah, we had fun. No, because we have a full squad.
He's like, I already have trios. Yeah.
We have a squad. It's nothing against you, though.
I know. It's not appropriate.
We have a squad. It's a numbers game.
I get it. I get it.
Exactly. Yeah.
But are you really going to get vaccinated? Be honest. Yeah, I am.
Because when I called you, you're like. No, I didn't know anti-vaxxer.
Don't. I'm going to.
I'm just lazy about it. I'm going to take him.
Yeah.

I'm just saying because you said to me on the phone.

I just want to.

Dude, I'm not anti-vax.

I'm not anti-vax. I'm just saying.

I'm going to get vaccinated.

I just said, have you gotten vaccinated?

He goes, well, I don't know what it does to the body.

That's what you said.

So I've been on YouTube.

I don't know.

No, no.

You said YouTube?

No, no.

You said YouTube?

I don't know what it does to the body.

There ain't no conspiracies to me.

No, no, no, no.

There's something going on.

The reptilian shit's different.

It is.

Yeah, it's different.

I'm going to get vaccinated.

So you don't think the reptilian alien race has-

No, no, no, no.

I want to see mom.

Yeah.

Come on.

Oh, you do?

Yeah.

Okay, because-

I text her every day.

I do too.

Every day.

Well, because she texts you first, right?

Absolutely. She does these long- I love the inspirational quotes.
It's weird. Does she send emojis or bitmojis ever? No, quotes, inspirational quotes.
She'll have like, it'll be like a photograph of a butterfly. And it'll say, today is the only day that we have live in the moment.
And there'll be this butterfly. Oh i love it and then i don't know what the text back so i'm like i never heard that before or heart emoji what heart emoji you send a heart emoji all every day that's all you put you don't say i i do three or four i go i love you mom one day yeah love you Where's your phone I'm gonna read you Let's see if they're similar Okay No I did say the same stuff Yeah yeah yeah Cause I'm very similar On mine too I do the same thing Alright so I'm gonna go Where's mom Where's mom Mom I do the same Okay so So here's mine Okay And these are like Read yours.
Read yours. All right.
So. So she goes.

You read three or four.

I'll read three or four.

Just you want to do responses.

Here's my response.

Okay.

Three or four.

Good night and dream beautiful dreams.

No.

Read hers first.

All right.

I'm sorry.

Yeah.

To give context.

All right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't.

Okay.

Don't be rude.

Okay.

Sorry.

You are here for a reason.

There's nothing accidental about you. There's a specific purpose, yeah.
Don't be rude. Okay, sorry.
You are here for a reason. There's nothing accidental about

you. There's a specific purpose,

assignment, and mission on Earth

that only you can fulfill.

Never doubt your specialness.

Then I go, goodnight and

dream beautiful dreams.

That's better than mine.

What is yours? Okay,

at Cigna Pharmacy, I picked up

some medication and on the way home I stopped attson's and got some groceries. Yeah.
Good night, exclamation point. Wishing you a peaceful night's rest.
That's your response? No. And then my response is, you too, Oma.
Heart. All right, all right.
Yeah, heart. I'll give you the one.
Okay. So this is my mom.
She does a Dr. Seuss quote.
Seuss quote She goes Why fit in when you were born to stand out Dr. Seuss Then she says Stay safe and healthy Good night and sweet dreams Love you And then my response is That's a good quote mom Hope everything is okay Ask if you need something You're doing way better than me.
Give me your hand. Time to go to bed.
Stay safe and take care. Good night and sleep tight.
Love you. And my response, night, mom.
Heart. That's all the...
Do two more and then we'll wrap it up. We'll wrap it up.
I'll do one more. Let's do one more and we'll wrap it up.
93 degrees. She says 93 degrees right now.
I think the summer is around the corner. Good night and sleep tight.
Hope you're feeling good. Miss you so much.
I love you with all my heart. You're killing me.
Yeah, go ahead. It's windy outside, but the temperature is perfect today.
Take care and stay safe. Good night and sleep tight.
Love you. What's your response? Love you, Oma.
I did a repeat. You did a repeat.
But I left a heart emoji. Yeah, but that's...
you did a repeat You know what you're right I need to do more thoughtful You know what it is I want to do repeats too Can I be honest Since dad passed Yeah It's been tough You know like Because I don't know How to communicate like I don't know how to explain this But I think I just Subly keep it brief like so oh you're trying to detach when she dies no no no no nothing like that I think it's just because I don't I don't know what to say like your responses are way more thoughtful no it's I'm I'm sitting there I spent 45 minutes on it oh you do yeah oh no no mine just go, oh. No, no.
I just kind of stare and I go, what do I say? Yeah. And sometimes I'll rewrite it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I don't want to.
I wanted to do that heart emojis or just I love you. But I want her to think that I'm thinking about it a little bit.
Yeah. But do you talk to her? I talked to her two weeks ago.
Yeah. Do you?

Yeah.

Oh, you do?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

What did she talk about?

Just what she did,

where she went,

and what she's watching,

and all that, yeah.

Your mom texted me too.

What did she say?

Go ahead, Jeremiah.

She said,

at the end of hardship

comes happiness,

and it's a picture of a yak.

And then it says, steve vaccinated yet yeah i'm sorry i'm sorry i love you i love you what's that oh yeah did you see any movies um what's that demon movie you told me to see? The Taiwanese one? You already saw it. That was scary.
Let the Devil Take You. Okay.
I saw Justice League. I know, but it's the only thing.
You know, Chris Stuckman, our favorite reviewer. Oh, I love him.
He reviewed a movie called The Empty Man. Have you seen that, Jeremiah? No.
Okay, so there's a... The movie in itself is okay, but there's one scene in The Empty Man.
I want you to see the movie, because there's one scene that's so weird and creepy. Is it a horror flick? It's a horror flick, yeah.
Like The Empty Man, what do you think it's about? I don't know. A guy that's hungry? Psychological thriller? Yeah, yeah.

Maybe.

Yeah.

Yeah, but it's a horror movie.

But there's this one scene that's so scary.

But I want you to see the movie and then you'll call me.

I can't believe you're here right.

I can't believe I'm looking at you.

I know you too.

You love me or what?

Of course I love you.

You love your brother?

Why would you ask something like that?

I don't know.

I just, you know, I haven't seen you in a while.

Why would you ask something like that?

I haven't seen you in a while.

What do you get angry about? No, I'm just getting emotional.

I've seen you.

I know.

This is beautiful.

Idiot.

Yeah.

It's weird, huh?

It's like, I haven't seen...

When's the last time I saw you?

The last time we podcast?

Months.

It's been months?

Let me ask you something.

Yeah, go ahead.

Have you seen what me and this guy's doing?

We're going to promote your podcast.

No, no, no, no.

I just...

No, just in passing.

Just in passing. Just in passing.

Like just a general response.

Do you like it?

I'll tell you something.

I wasn't going to say this, but I'm going to say something to you.

Last night, I was at the Nova.

Is that what it's called?

Super Nova.

Yeah, with Spade.

And these two girls came up to me.

And they were like, you look at me too. Sorry.
Respect me. And these two girls came up to me and go, oh my God, we're Tiger Valley fans.
And I go, cool. And they watched Bad Friend and they were actually there to see Tim Dillon.
So I go, oh, you like Tim too? Yeah, can we take photos? I go, yeah. And then they pulled me aside and they go, we're really hooked on Scissor Brothers.
And I go, what? He's like, yeah. We think that that has legs.
Yeah. You're lying.
I am. Oh, were you? Wait, what? You lied the whole thing? You hooked us up? I you looked at i lied i did i mean we believed you i know steve and i were looking at each other like we had a breakthrough i know i felt good i'll be honest with you i'll be honest with you dude what you just did hurt me to the freaking core i know it was fun though it hurt me to the core what you just did hurt me to the freaking core.
I know, it was fun, though. It hurt me to the core what you just did.

I know, but can I-

Why did you do that?

Can I just say this, though?

Wow.

This was what you were warning me about, Steve.

What?

That hurt me so-

I'm so-

Just let it go.

Pain is just running through my veins, my friend.

Are you angry?

Oh, just so sad.

Guess what this?

Guess what, though? So sad. Guess what, though? What? After this, if you guys want, I'll take you to dinner.
Really? You know what? What? Since you did this, I'm going to flip it on you. Have you seen our challenges? Yeah, I saw your challenges.
I saw the one that was really funny when you guys ate the hot thing that you ate. Hot sauce.
There was a hot sauce. Hot sauce, right? What kind of hot sauce was it? Oh, dude.
You got it from the farmer's market. Yeah, it's called.
The hottest freaking hot sauce. The hottest fucking hot sauce.
Right. And it made me.
I told you. I called you about that.
It made me laugh so hard because what was that last thing that you said when it was – you said – It's not affecting me.

I feel great.

Yeah.

It was so hot.

I feel real good, man.

I feel real good, man.

Oh, dude, boogers.

Yeah, it was really funny.

And then when you put the stuff on your dick.

Bengay.

We did a Bengay nut challenge.

That was really good.

We have a challenge today.

For you.

Can we do it if it hurts?

Can we do it at the end so that I can –

No, it would be good to do it now because what you did, that hurt us, dude. That hurt our feelings.
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caribbean chips registry bahamas what is that what is it tiger tiger bomb and then where do you put the tiger bomb where do you put ask me again i why okay where do you put the tiger? Pagabong? Our nuts. Okay.

So,

it's one for all, every man for himself.

So, we're brothers, we're brothers,

but I haven't won a challenge,

so it's every man for himself. Okay, you put this, let me just,

let me ask the rules.

This is going to be great.

Let me ask the rules.

You see me put the stuff on my nuts? Yeah, we we're gonna uh so uh we can't do it on camera but i just need to know it's no they'll censor it later we just stand up and pop yeah so you have to um with your left hand grab it like a tennis racket you're gonna evenly hold up dude you made me do the bend game when i was a kid I know I made you You owe me Can I grab my nuts The way I wanna grab them You can grab the way But you have to Nicely coat it evenly It can be a racquetball Racket A badminton racket I was thinking more Ping pongy Yeah yeah yeah We're all gonna do it Together But you're not gonna Put it on my sack No of course not Every man for himself You put it on my sack What the fuck That's not sanitary You put it on my sack You wanna get COVID I'm vaccinated But dude I might have some other shit You don't want that I'm not putting this on your nutsack That's? That's fucking... Dude, that's not sanitary.
You just lost the challenge. Wait, what? I have to do it? Come on, you're my scissor, bro.
Come on. Be a friend.
You're vaxxed, right, Jer? Yeah, he's vaxxed. Yeah, you put it on my nutsack.
You're vaxxed. That's the only way I'll do it.
Because I can't do this. You won't do it unless I put it on your nutsack? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And what, you're putting it on mine? No, you put it on your own. No, you got to finish me off if I'm finishing you off.
No, no, no. This is how this works.
No, no, no. This is prison.
If I put it on my balls, you're putting it on my house, dude. This is prison.
I was in prison. I've been in prison longer.
You're vast. Let's look at comedy.
Let's just let me. Let's look at comedy like a prison, okay? I've been in prison longer, so I know the ropes.
You know what I mean? I have some power in prison, right? And you're a new inmate. We don't fuck each other the first year.
I fuck you. Jeremiah, you're my brother, dude.
You got to do it. You got to do it.
You're vaccinated, dude. Why won't you do it? But he's vaccinated.
I know, but you think it's gay? You think it's gay? No. You think it's incest? No, I don't know.
It's just, I'm not, he's more suited for that. I'll make you a deal.
I'll do it, right? What if he gets a nut and I get a nut? Okay, that's fine. We'll spread it.
That's fine. Jeremiah, you get one nut.
Okay, I'll get one nut, you get one nut. And then I get one nut.
All right, that's okay. You're my sister brother.
Dude, that's respect, bro. That's complete respect.
You get the best of it. Yes, it'll be good.
It's great content, man. It's great content.
So what are the rules? You put it on my nutsack, and then we continue? And we put it on ours, too. And then we continue to podcast.
No, but the thing is, whoever wipes it off. How do you wipe it? George, do you have baby wipes? So, George, what I I need from you take a couple paper towels go to the sink dab the towels with some cold water okay help me with this have them ready have them ready on the table the first person it might be quick who loses I'm gonna wanna win to want to win.
You know it. Okay, so you get a nut.
First, you put it on first. But Jeremiah, you have to get a nut too.
I'll put it on a nut. Okay, but you guys put it on yourselves first and then put it on me.
No, but then we have to do it all. We have to kind of do it simultaneously.
It's a love triangle. Yeah, it's a love triangle.
All right, so we're all going to put our nut sacks out. Yes.
And then I'll stick, so you'll stick it on one and I'll put it on the other. Yeah.
But then you'll, if you don't put it on yours, oh, we are, dude, if you don't put it, if you double my sack, if you double my sack and then you guys don't put it on yours, we're shutting this thing down. Oh, and I know.

There's a problem.

I know.

I know.

There's a problem.

I'm going to be like that.

I'm going to go like, I'll be.

You're going to watch.

I'm going to see you do the whole thing.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, absolutely.

No, you know what?

You know, how about that?

You do half a sack, right?

And then I want to see you do the whole thing.

And then because I.

Dude, you got to be.

All right.

Let's just do it.

This is going to be a disaster.

This is going to be a disaster. This is gonna be a disaster.

You're not seeing my day.

I know.

You have nice ass.

Okay, so...

I'll let you go with a box.

I can't...

Fucking idiot.

I'll get to the right one.

Are you ready?

You go first!

You go first!

What do you mean? You put a little on your first. Give me your fucking sack.
Give me your fucking sack. Okay, okay.
I don't feel anything. I don't feel anything.
Do you feel anything? Not yet. I don't feel anything.
No, god damn it. I don't feel anything.
Well, we might have to change it then. No, no, no.
We're not changing anything.

No, we do.

I don't feel anything.

I know.

That's why we have to change it.

Wait, wait.

You don't come up.

Oh, no.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

I feel something.

I feel something.

I feel something.

I feel something.

I definitely feel something.

Yeah, I feel something now.

I definitely feel it.

Isn't it fun though?

It's not fun.

It's not fun.

Steve, it's really starting to hurt.

It's not fun.

Do you guys give up? No, I don't give up. I'm not giving up yet.
Let's continue. Okay.
Yeah, yeah. Let's continue.
Oh, that's cool. What? It's a cool, like, cold wind.
Yeah, it's like my balls got in a fight with Sub-Zero. Mine feels like a microwave.
I don't know what you guys are talking about. It's burning and freezing at the same time.
Yeah, it burns and frees. So anyway, let's continue.
So the baby is at... Hold on.
Okay. So the baby...
No, hold on. Is the baby cry at night? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. It does? It does, yeah.
I know. You guys can handle it.
I can handle it. We have to raise it up a couple notches, though.
Why? Because I feel it, but I think we'd feel it more in our butt. I'm not putting it in my butt.
Come on, dude. We already did it on my sack.
This is great content. I'm telling you, this is great content.
Dude, this, man, people would love this to see this. People would love it.
I don't understand how you're not feeling it. I don't understand why you're not feeling it right now.
It's killing me right now. It hurts so bad.
It hurts so bad to me right now. It does? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It feels good. Dude, Steve, it's getting hot in here, dude.
Yeah, it's so so bad It is? How about your baby? How about this? No, no, no, no No, no, no, no, no, no, no Stop, stop Don't, don't, don't Let's just, let's think about this No, I want We'll raise it up Steve, are you getting hot? Oh, yeah So, no, so, Jeremiah Jeremiah Let's just do this, okay? Well, it's just, you know, promotion. Promotion, baby.
You know, we need help. Jeremiah, let's just do this.
Pretend you're in an acting scene, right? This podcast is a film. Steven Spielberg is directing.
And you cannot let anyone know what you're doing right now. Yeah.
Just try to, no,'re doing right now I can still see that you're suffering so right now if people tuned in right now to the podcast they would see the Lee brothers as if nothing happened but they would look at you and they'd be like oh my god that guy's going through something I'm um... You want me to do an acting scene? No, just

pretend it's not happening. So your baby...

No, sir.

You guys, this is not strong. We gotta do something.

Honestly, you need to go to the hospital.

No, let's do this. We have to figure out what's

going on with your physiology. This is the next.

How much do your balls hurt?

It burns so bad right now. No, that's not

I'm going to go to the hospital. No, let's do this.
We have to figure out what's going on with your physiology. This is the next.

How much do your balls hurt?

It burns so bad right now.

No, that's not.

This is nothing.

I thought it'd be more.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We do our penises next, then the butthole.

How we did the Benkay.

We got to do the whole thing, you know?

Or else we're just half-assed doing it.

So go to snacks.

So go back in the corner, guys.

Come on.

Please.

What do we do?

Go to snacks.

But no asshole.

Penis, no asshole.

No asshole.

I won't do my asshole.

All right.

Okay.

But we have to do our own.

We're not going to take you out of my penis. I have to see you do it first.
And you go first. So anyway, so the baby, is your baby a crier? Does it cry at night? Yeah, occasionally.
But are you staying up? Who's in charge of staying up? Who's in charge of staying up? Is it you and your wife? Do you have shared duties? It's mainly my wife because I've been busy editing the Scissor Brothers podcast. Oh, yeah, yeah.
And then I had a gig in Ventura last night, so she watched the baby was I was gone doing shows oh cool man yeah yeah man I'm a professional the fear has said I'm a professional I'm a friend yeah so for me you know I'm going professional. The fear has set in, my friend.
I'm a professional. The fear has set in.
I'm a professional. I'm a professional.
Yeah, so for me, you know, I'm going. It hurts, doesn't it? Yeah.
So for me. Does your penis hurt now? Yes.
It doesn't get better. Yeah, so what I'm saying to you.
What I'm saying is I'm going. Stop.
Let's be serious. Yeah, yeah.
You know what? Let's start over. And I want people to feel Let's start over I'm going to start the podcast over And let's make people pretend that we didn't do it Okay Alright so here we go right 5 4 3 Hey welcome to another episode of Red Friends we've got my brother Steve.
I haven't seen you in a while. It's good seeing you.
Good seeing you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And we've got Jules there. Jules is there.
Yeah, yeah. Hi.
Hi. Yeah, yeah.
Hi, Tito. Hello, Jules.
Welcome back. I mean, well, hello.
Anyway, so I haven't seen you in so long. It's good seeing you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Real good seeing you.
You want to do a prayer? Oh, yeah. Yeah, do a prayer.
Dear Lord, thank you for allowing us to meet today and congregate. And thank you for such a beautiful day.
Thank you for our food that we eat every day and just allowing all these great opportunities that you're providing.

We say this in your name, Lord.

Amen.

It's a good prayer.

Thank you.

It's a really good prayer.

When does it go away?

It won't.

What do you mean it won't?

Yeah, it won't go away.

So, I'm going to, I'm going out of town. I'm going out of town.
Yeah. You have some show dates? Yeah.
No, I'm going to do a movie in Hungary. Oh, that's right.
That's right. So what's your role? Like, can you tell us about your role? No, I don't want to talk about the role.
Oh, but. I don't want to talk about the role.
Did you have to audition for it? Yes, I did have to audition for it. Are you crying? Yeah.
Look at this. You okay? No.
Okay. You give up? Let's keep going.
No, I'm not going to give up. Do you give up? No.
I don't give up. So I'm going away.
You know, and it's funny because I was in Oklahoma last week. So I've been kind of going out and I've been going out in the town and eating dinner with friends.
It's been good. I feel like everything's coming back.
You said you had some good barbecue in Oklahoma? Yeah. What's your favorite kind of barbecue? It wasn't barbecue that I ate.
I ate at Steakhouses. Steakhouses? Yeah.
What I do is yeah, anyway. You know what happened was, you know what I did? You know those scooters?

The birds?

Yeah, I did that.

This is not enough, guys.

You guys, cut the act.

Really.

You know what we have to do.

Buttholes?

Yeah, we have to.

Steve.

We have to. I get his left eyeball.

We have to do it?

Steve, Steve.

What?

We're not doing our buttholes. What do you mean? We have to.
Steve? It's this trifecta it Steve, Steve What? We're not doing our pot What do you mean? We have to Steve? It's this trifecta Steve, Steve Boom, boom, boom Right here, Jeremiah Back me up, dude Scissor brother We gotta do it We have to do it And then how do we do it? I'm just I'm not gonna do it I'm not gonna do it I'm not gonna do it I'm not gonna do it What does it entail? You have to really swirl in your tonka mok.

Inside the hole?

Yeah.

Inside the butthole.

Inside.

Yeah.

We have to, right?

Yeah.

We have to do it.

Dude, it's great content.

Trust me.

Trust me.

It's great content.

Great. Yeah, but let me ask you this.
Can I ask you this what isn't it fun though it's not fun it's absolutely not fun okay okay I came here I have all these ideas of how we're gonna do the it's not it's all off the window what do you mean you can't think so let me ask you this my friend what let me ask you this um so you said the sack first we did it yeah right i guess the pain wasn't you know i mean that great for you yeah so then you went let's try penis right we did the penis okay that was worse right it feels bad now yeah it does real bad okay now what makes you think the asshole to... Have you tried it on your asshole? Yeah, it's heightened like crazy.
It's going to be heightened because it's more... It's more of a sensitive area.
Yeah, it's a sensitive area. The penis head is not more sensitive than the asshole? No.
Let's find out. Let's find out.
Right, Jeremiah. Oh, my goodness.
I gotta see you put it in your asshole. I never see you put it in the asshole.
Okay. Hurry up, hurry up.
I'm sorry. Hurry up.
Go ahead. You have to do it.
I did the dick tonight! Okay. Hurry up, hurry up! You guys are stalling! Hurry up! Hurry up! Dude I want you around.
I want to make sure you do it

You guys are stalling please I'm going Okay, okay, okay. Alright.
Go back to the seat. Did he do it?

I think so.

I think so.

I think he did.

Now we're good.

Can I say something?

You're right. Steve.
Steve. You're absolutely correct.

It is more sensitive.

It is more sensitive than the penis.

It's unusual.

You discover things every day.

You would not think.

It's a new level.

It's the top.

It's the top level.

It's the top.

Yeah, wow.

Nirvana.

It's a new level. It's the top.
It's the top level. It's the top.
Yeah, wow. Nirvana.
It's not Nirvana. No, that's not Nirvana.
Okay. It's the polar opposite of Nirvana.
Oh, it's hell. Yeah, it's hell.
How are you feeling, man? I'm not even kidding. Are you guys seeing any black specks right now? I do.
I've always seen black specks on my penis. Yeah, yeah.
So let's regroup.

I'm being real.

Let's start over.

Okay, let's start over.

So let's put our acting ads.

It never happened.

Watch this.

Watch this. Watch this shit.

Right, you want to watch some shit?

Yeah.

Hold on.

Just let me do it.

Okay, okay, stay with me.

We're bad friends. Try smiling.
It's hard. Okay.
Look at me. Oh, great.
Welcome to another episode of Bad Friends. I'm Bobby.
Andrew's out of town. So we have my brother filling in.
Thanks for having me. And we got Jeremiah Watkins.
We have a new podcast called Scissor Brothers. Yeah.
Yeah. How's that experience going? It's going pretty good.
Yeah. Every week, we come up with new challenges.
What else, Jeremiah? We do a lot of music together. We do musical things.
Oh, we have a lot of fan mail. How did that come about, Scissor Brothers? Well, the name comes from...
Steve, you're sweating a lot. The name comes steve and i started trimming each other's pubes years ago at jeremiah wonders and then someone said scissor bros and then somebody said that we're scissors brothers so it just it just stuck it just stuck um and we had the same pair of scissors we found out at our both of our homes no but initially when you guys started how did it start well the show is called good friends for the first episode.
It was like April Fool's. Yeah, it was a joke.
Yeah, but I was wondering where that came from. Well, so it was a play on Bad Friends.
Yeah, it was a play on Bad Friends. And we did like a, you know.
But it was a one-off. It was a one-off.
Yeah. You guys give up?

Mm-mm.

Mm-mm.

Listen to me. Okay.

You know the song?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's an all-Korean.

Korean song. It's an old Korean.

Korean songs.

It's an old Korean song that my mom used to sing to us to go to bed.

How about this one?

Okay.

No, that's not.

Okay.

What? Yeah. I don't know the rest, do you? No.
Yeah. I want to join in so bad.
I know you do. Oh, my God.
So, yeah. Did you see Mortal Kombat? Yeah, I did.
Oh, no, no. That's out? Yeah, it's on HBO Max.
Okay. Yeah, I saw it.
So, how was it? Was it pretty good? Some people hate it, but I thought but I thought it was fun you know I thought it was fun I thought it was better than the 95 I thought it was way better and the first 10 minutes of it was really dude I'm so sorry I thought it'd be good you know like fun it would mix things up with bad friends because you guys don't do challenges I thought it'd be a good idea back me up what do you think I thought it was gonna be a good idea too Yeah, that'd be good, you know, like fun. It would mix things up with bad friends because you guys don't do challenges.
I thought it'd be a good idea. Back me up.
What do you think? I thought it was going to be a good idea, too. Yeah, I thought it'd be a good idea.
Dude, you're crying. Because anger.
It's not a sadness, I promise you. It's not a furious.
I'm furious. Are you really upset? Yeah, I'm really upset.
How do we make it up? I'm sorry. There's no way to make it up.
Wait, there's no way to make it up? No. Can we still go to dinner after this? No.
Why not? Absolutely not. That's out.
Why not? Come on. Listen, you don't fucking look up shit, right? If I die...
Well, I could die too. Yeah, but what if I died? What if I died and you didn't die? No, I would die.
What if I died? I just had a son. That would be terrible.
That would be terrible. But, you know what I mean? That would be awful.
But I'm just saying

that what if you guys lived and

I died from this stupid fucking prank thing

that you did? How would you feel? I'd feel horrible.

We'd feel like a bad friend.

I would kill myself probably.

Don't say that. No, if you died because of

a tiger bomb in your butt. How funny would that be?

If you died. If I died and then you

killed yourself, how funny would that be?

And then mom gets the call. Ring ring.
sorry hello Mrs. Lee Yes Are you the mother of Are you the mother of Bobby and Stephen Lee Oh yes are they okay I'm sorry ma'am I have to call Tell you they both passed away What What happened? No.
No. Oh.
That's not what you would hear. Oh.
This is what you would hear. The phone drop.
That's what you'd hear. Oh, God.
Yeah. Because of my dumb idea.
Yeah. Right? Then she Well your brother Steve is that Steve your youngest son Yeah Right They do podcasts He brought over Tiger bomb What's tiger bomb She knows what it it is Yeah yeah Oh yeah tiger bomb Yeah And Steve Told your brother To stick it on his testicles Keep going His penis Yeah And inside his anus Why? Of course Yeah Because that's the question Why? why? you know what his response would be? what? I don't know that's what the police officer's response would be alright you guys I don't know and then let's wipe it off guys no just stop no I'm not wiping it off I'd rather die I'd rather die to teach you a lesson no yeah I'd rather die To teach you a lesson I don't want that to happen Yeah yeah So let me say something I didn't know this information Was out there Let me say something right now And then what happened And then mom goes And then what happened to Steve And you know that What happened to Steve Oh he felt so guilty Cause he Bobby died from the poisoning It poisoned his body We poisoned our That Steve We poisoned our We poisoned himself Shot himself in the face with a shotgun.
Yeah, let's see you guys.

Let's end the joke.

I'm sorry.

And then what would mom do?

Oh, she would be devastated.

She would kill herself.

Devastated.

And there goes our family.

Okay, you guys, the joke's over.

You guys want to wipe yours off?

No, I refuse.

You're keeping it out for the rest of the podcast.

Teach you a lesson.

Can we still go out to eat after this?

Maybe.

Okay.

I'm hungry.

We're bad friends. tell me about your dreams

Steve, tell me about your dreams

Steve, your fingers are weird

what are you talking about?

they're like clubbing

what are you talking about? really? yeah, your fingers are clubbing. Like what? Like a caveman? No, no, no.
No, no, no. Let's talk about it.
Yeah, yeah. What do you talk about? You know how the nails, you know, your arteries and stuff are closing up? So now your nails are like, what's the guitarist for the Rolling Stones? Keith Richards? You know, his fingers are clubbing.
My fingers are clubbing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How could you tell?

Let me look at your fingernails.

Yeah, look at your index.

This one right here.

This one?

Mine are clubbing as well.

What?

But they start curling.

That's how you know your arteries are like clogging up and getting tight.

So it's like stroke is.

What?

Yeah.

Now, do you think about that? I'm on blood pressure medication. You are? Oh, blood thinners? No, blood pressure medication.
Oh, my. What? I don't want to get a stroke.
Dad got a stroke. You know what my brother and I did? Our grandmother...
We went to Korea. Our grandmother was paralyzed from the neck down.

And

did we ever tell you this story? No.

And one day my dad

walks in, and my grandmother never left

one room for like 25 years.

She just sat against this wall,

smiling. Oh, the bee stingers.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she's just

there smiling. And one day

she's just sitting there smiling, and my dad looked at her body. And there's all these welts on her body.
Yeah. And she goes, dad comes to us and goes, what? How come grandma? She's got all these things on her body.
Right. And my brother and I go, we don't know.
Right. And then the next day my dad walks into the room.
And he catches my brother and I taking these sticks And just Hitting her about it I don't remember Yeah yeah Really Yeah You were just hitting your brain Because you can't feel anything So what's the harm I don't remember that And she's just standing there like this Because I think she was just happy That we were like Paying her any attention You used her as a human punching bag I don't think we did that I don't remember that Yeah did. I remember her getting stung by bee stingers.
How? They would give her these... No, we hit her with sticks at one time.
No, I remember bee stingers. Maybe the both can be true.
I don't remember hitting her with the sticks. I think I would remember that.
I think you blocked it out of your mind. What? Yeah.
I think there's a lot of things that you blocked out of your mind. Oh, yeah.
Absolutely. Absolutely.
I don't remember hitting it. Can you tell – I've explained to them – I explained to these people on my podcast about the fight that you saw me.
Who did I fight when we were kids? Oh, Derek – We talked about that, right? Yeah, we talked about it. We did.
Yeah. Yeah, but can I hear your point of view of what happened?

Oh, yeah.

It was the whole talk of the town.

All the kids knew.

He beat your ass.

Yeah, he beat your ass.

But where did he beat me at?

My ass.

It was like this grassy knoll, an open lot.

Yeah.

You know, attached to Martin Coit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

More towards the hill.

Yeah, yeah.

And dude, the whole school was there.

Yeah.

The whole thing. grassy knoll, an open lot attached to Martin Coit.
More towards the hill. And dude, the whole school was there.
Straight out of the movies, the whole school was watching the fight. It was like a scene in a movie.
And he was just beating you down. Boom! Beating you down.
Sorry? My mom had to save him. Your mom rescued drive by she just happened to be driving by and then she saw her son just getting beat the crap out yeah and were you ashamed that day yeah but you know what I don't want to demoralize you know we've talked about this there's a let's talk about a positive when I was in 7th or 8th grade here we go a positive story about me yeah a positive story about you yeah yeah I I kind of talked about and passing on King and the Sting.
Okay. But I want to be more in depth.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a good time.
Yeah, they did. I'm going back into like a week and a half.
They betrayed you and then they brought you back in? Yeah, they brought me back in. Yeah, yeah.
But anyway, so I... Can we talk about King and the Sting real quick? Yeah, we can.
Yep. So when we played the prank here, where I called Nick, right, the producer, by saying that- I didn't cry, though.
I didn't cry. What do you mean? Because you said that I cried.
I didn't cry. And it opened up this whole thing where people were messaging Steve saying, hey, you're a pussy.
You cried. Yeah.
A lot of people were- A lot of people. A lot of trolls came after Steve for crying.
A lot of people- Did you up Yeah Thanks a lot Now you say sorry I don't think you know the power of your word If you say something My words are very powerful Can I say this though At the you're telling you're glamorizing i know i don't glamor i know but you're kind of you're sprinkling you're sprinkling it up right but i didn't cry though at all i was upset yeah but when i called nick right yeah because the whole thing is that when i say he cried because like when i called nick yes right Right. Just listen.
So when I'm calling Nick on a prank, right?

Obviously, you're going to exaggerate it.

Yeah.

I was thinking about adding other things.

You know what I mean?

Right. He almost hung himself in a closet.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

But those details come back to me.

Right.

And I just learned a new lesson.

I'm telling you.

So what do people say?

What are you, a pussy? Yeah. What you What are you a pussy But crying It's a natural human emotion But these guys are like trolls They're like oh you can't You fucking cried you pussy What the hell you cry for Stand up for yourself You know what I mean like all that stuff Day after day You exaggerate dude you exaggerate dude like because you said that you do exaggerate because you said santino got a lawyer he was thinking about getting a lawyer to sue steve and i for the the good friends april fool yeah yeah he had a bunch of trolls hitting him up thinking that was real because you exaggerated it's chaos yeah it's you love it you you i think you do a part of you like you thrive i don't it makes me feel like shit.
It makes me feel like shit. Really? Do you really? Really? Is that an act?

Yeah. You love it.
I think you do a part of you like you thrive on. I don't.
It makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel like shit.
Really? Do you really? Really? Is that an act? No, it's not an act. Let me say something right now, okay? Because your words matter.
I understand. Okay, okay, okay.
But I'm going to tell you that it makes me feel shame. Put that down.
Okay, sorry. It makes me feel shame.
It makes feel bad I know there's these You know Consequences that happen Yeah That aren't You know That aren't in the forefront of my mind When I'm doing these mischievous You know what I mean Verbal assaults You know On my friends No that's fair And my family right Will I stop No Okay that's fine Look at me right now That's fine Look at at me right now Yeah I will not stop Okay, that's fine Okay Can I go back to my story When I felt proud of you? I'd love to Okay So we're at the Poway High School gym And he was wrestling Another Asian kid From Monta Vista This story I remember that match And so This kid was his nemesis He was good I I think his name was Pineapple Or something, he was from He was from Monta Vista He was an Asian kid named Pineapple? No, we were racist We were racist He was Filipino and had a mustache But he was an Asian versus Asian Right, but you called him Pineapple No, that was the nickname that the whole team Called him that. Yeah, I think it came from you, though.
Let's call him Pineapple. Let's call him Pineapple.
Everyone starts calling him Pineapple. See what he did with his words again? I'm putting my foot down.
There's no way. It didn't come from me, ladies and gentlemen.
Again, he's exaggerating. Why would anyone shame you? Fabricating the story.
Why would anyone shame you on a comment saying that it was... Fabricating the story.
Let's stick with the positivity. I want to get to where I felt proud of you okay okay just let him say he's proud all right it went to overtime against against this against kid from monta vista this filipino kid from monta vista who was good by the way they both get back into the middle of the circle and this other kid, it was like the scene from,

you know,

Karate Kid 1,

you know,

Daniel versus Johnny.

This kid did like a whole Bruce Lee like pose

and it was like the ending of that scene

and you know what my brother did?

He blew him a kiss.

He went like this.

He went... And then the whistle blew my brother went down for a double and freaking slammed him on he slammed him he got he he won in overtime and i was on as a kid on the side of the mat just like so freaking proud like what the fuck yeah you fuck? Yeah.
You know what Coach Branstad said? What? He didn't say anything. He did one of those things in movies.
Like, what do you mean? Where I looked at him from afar. Do you remember that, man? I do.
I looked at him afar from the gym. He looked at me, and guess what he did? What? He went like this.
Right? He did like a nod. Dude, that was the proudest i've ever felt and it made me go

he likes me you know i remember that feeling um can i just say the jay leno thing was cool you book and mad tv was awesome but for me as a as a younger brother i felt the most proudest at that moment

no cause it's like

it was like a movie to me

I was like

it was cinematic man

yeah

it was the most proudest at that moment.

No, because it was like a movie to me.

I was like, it was cinematic, man.

It was literally, this match was literally to the final moment.

Can I tell you my proud moments of you?

Don't talk about state.

I'm not gonna.

I'm not gonna.

Okay, okay.

My brother was ranked probably two in California, right? Of all of California in his weight division. 103.
He would go to, like, CIF, right? Three years in a row. Three years in a row.
You go to the CIF. It's like, you know, like, as a kid, you know, they had the tunnel, you know what I mean, with the smoke.
And they would call my brother's name down. And my brother would run through this tunnel as if it's like the WWF or whatever and my brother would like do moves on the mat that like was inspiring to me like one time a guy stood up my brother had it was yeah my brother put his right hand right over his under his shoulder and took his neck and snapped him back from standing position right and the whole the whole audience went right you're right and he would do that every year and he was supposed to win state okay i didn't want like i don't know where you're going right now i like that i.
That was beautiful. You were ranked number two.
And everyone, when my brother, you know what I mean? I'm not going to go into state, but I'm just saying. No, go ahead.
Just do it. I'm not going to do it.
If you do it, do it all the way. I'll do it all the way.
Go all the way. I'll do it all the way.
So my brother was like in the newspaper. People would write articles.
They have a plaque in the... He has a record still in the Poway High School wrestling gym.
Fastest pin. My brother was like, he's going to win the whole thing.
Because everyone at State was guys he just manhandled. Right? And then I drove.

It was in Stockton.

So I'm from San Diego.

I drove.

You drove all the way there.

Yeah, and my mom.

Give me a hug.

Not later.

After the story.

I don't know if I want to hug you after the story, actually.

I'll hug now.

Let's hug now.

Hug it out.

Thanks for driving.

Okay.

I drove like nine hours. Yeah up there No hotel Just nine hours And I sat in my seat My brother's first match And As soon as I saw my brother Walk onto the mat I almost got back In my fucking car And drove back You knew I knew.
I knew. There was fear in his eyes.
I've never seen, you know what I mean, fear manifest in a body. That's when my alcoholism kicked in.
It was like this. It was like this.
Frozen. Frozen.
Here's a guy in every other tournament would just, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? Just eye people, right every other tournament Would just You know what I mean

You know what I mean

Just eye people

Right

What's up

You know what I mean

And then

I froze

His face was like

You know

Like a statue

No like in Aliens

You remember that little creature

Comes on the face

It was as

As if they took the

Took the creature off

Right

And

He was on the mat

Blood squirting out of

Do you even know

The depression

That I went through

After that

I know

I'm kind of sorry

I went

Thank you. Yeah.
You're right. Yeah.
I should be more supportive. That was a very traumatic...
You know, I learned a lesson I learned a lesson I learned a lesson What's the lesson? You can't let fear dictate your life And the way you navigate through life Because to be honest with you I was my worst enemy You know So like Because I've thought of I've replayed that event In my head think about that thing no because you learn lessons from it what is it okay so the lesson is let's say if i tried my very best and wasn't fearful and i lost i'd be okay with that it's because the fear set in and i wasn't at my best that's where i have. Does that make sense? Yeah, I had a similar thing happen.
Go ahead, Jeremiah. Spelling bee.
Go ahead. Is this real? This is real.
This is real? Okay. I went to regionals.
Did you really? Yes. I was going to go to nationals.
I had learned every single word in fifth grade. Wow.
I killed it at state, went to Texas. I'm from Kansas.
So I went from Kansas to Texas, and then the next step was nationals. Wow.
Did you have the little number thing? Yes. I love that.
Yeah. Yeah.
Because fear, I knew knew the word i knew the word and it's the it's the the the first and last time i got legit stage fright i spelled the word wrong and i knew that i was doing it wrong because i was feared because i wanted out you were so scared yeah were you purposely said it wrong because of the fear i think because the fear said it and you couldn't think straight?

You knew it.

I knew it.

It was an easy word.

People were getting lullaby.

Lullaby?

Lullaby.

Yeah.

Do you know how hard I kicked myself after?

I still can't spell that word.

Let me try lullaby.

Okay.

I'll try it too.

L-U-L-L-A-B-Y? Yes. That's it? That is correct.
Yeah, that's it. That's a lullaby? Yep.
You couldn't spell that? I spelled it L-U-L. Yeah.
And then I went A-B-Y. And then go, I'm sorry.
And I knew I was spelling it wrong. Oh my God.
were your parents in the audience yes my mom had flown to texas with me what was she's probably i'll imagine the shame in the audience i mean all these kids like around me were like i'm so sorry nailing like like really hard words and i was like okay i know that one i know that one that was meant to be though because we're scissor brothers now we both we both went through a similar dude i feel close to you from the ashes we wrote yeah like we had we share that right one two come on bob three four five i don't know what this is i've never done this what's it eight a hundred nine no we're not's something that we do to clench the power. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So that's interesting.

I've had a lot of –

But have you dealt with that?

Oh, I didn't –

Fear.

I'll tell you.

I'll tell you a story.

Tell me a story.

So three years ago –

I don't care because Amy Poehler is producing this pilot, right?

And I'm like, you know, I'm going to get it you know so I memorized it from backwards and forwards and I go I'm sitting in the now I'm at I don't know NBC what I'm sitting there and I don't even have the script in my hand I just have like this because I had no it you know I mean it's memorized so and I'm also so cocky about it. I'm like sitting in my chair like this.
Other actors walk in. What's up? I know I'm going to get it.
You're going to get it. You're going to book it.
Yeah. And then the lady goes, are you ready? Yeah, I'm ready.
About time. I walk in and I didn't know that she was going to be that Amy Poehler's there.
Right? She's sitting there. And like in my head, I'm like, let's start, let's start, let's start.
I have it right. Then she does this.
Bobby! I go, hey! She goes, she introduces me everyone in the room. And as that, during that process, I'm like, I, it's all now now gone i don't know the first word oh no yeah so then i start the audition as soon as i say the first word i go and i go right into the page and i literally put the fucking page in front of my face and i just read it like that right I'm like, also the page is doing this.

Let's suppose this is the script?

Yeah.

This is what they see.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Because I'm so scared.

Right?

And I go,

I go,

thank you,

and I try to justify it

and I go like this,

I go,

I should have memorized it.

Sorry,

I just cold read it

just to justify it and she goes, she. I go, I should have memorized it.
Sorry. I just cold read it just to justify it and she goes, out loud.
She did that? Yes. I swear to God.
I walked in the hallway and I had this big, long bottle of smart water. Oh, you hit it.
I hit my head over the head. I remember that.
Yeah, 50 times. I remember what you did after.
You went boom, boom. And I was bleeding down my face.
He was hitting himself. Punishing myself.

Before you even left the lot?

No, in your car, right? In my car.

Yeah.

I'm driving and just banging myself.

When I got home, my face was bleeding.

Because she's like, what happened?

Getting in a car accident?

I just auditioned.

Just auditioned.

You walked in.

I booked it.

Yeah, yeah.

But I've had so many of those experiences where I would audition for something. Get close? No.
Okay. Just a disaster.
And I would be in my car crying in shame. Over an audition? Yeah.
Yeah. I've had those too.
And no, I learned right now it's different. That was years ago, maybe ago now it's completely different i'm you know i don't give a fuck now because i um you know i have tiger belly and i have this you know i mean and this you know and then for some reason now it all that kind of stuff i needed money right that's what it is i always there's a time where it's like well if you're desperate it comes through always right right i'm like i need to book something so i can get my career going right and there was years where i wasn't and so then i was like i would punish myself and then i one day i just went you know what i'm just gonna do my own thing which is bad friends and tiger belly and podcasting and stand up and that other kind of stuff that i have control over and then the other stuff just came along with that.
Right? But, yeah, I know what that shame is like. Yeah, it hurts.
And I think because, but the reason why you beat yourself up over state is because of the trauma that you felt growing up in our house. Yeah.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
And, you know, you have to deal with that trauma. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.
Yeah, yeah. You know, when dad beat you with that little Casio keyboard when completely naked.
My brother had a friend over. It was Derek's.
Oh, yeah, the guy that beat me up's brother. Was it really a Casio like that one? Yeah, but with a little one.
It was the first sampling keyboard like the Freddy Krueger one. You could go, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
You know? Yeah. Like a second of sampling time.
Yeah, and then my brother was playing it to him. My dad was taking a nap.
During the daytime. During the daytime.
Around this time, yeah. And my dad came in.
Yeah! Shikero! That's like, shut up. You know what I mean? But butt naked.
Completely naked. And what he had in his ass? Tiger bomb? No, tissue paper.
Tissue paper. Like a string, string Like dental floss Like he had a fucking tampon

In his asshole

Sticking out of his butthole

Yeah

Scared the shit out of me

Yeah

But that's the only thing

I remember

You look like a Korean kite

Yeah

Right

So he comes in

And he goes

He takes a Casio keyboard

He rips the keyboard

Out of the socket

Right

And like a sledgehammer

Yeah

And keep in mind

We're on our stomachs

Just playing with this thing

And they're

Eight

Yeah

And he just beats me like a hammer. Like, boom.
Boom. Imagine his friend.
Oh, he never came over again. He never came over again.
Never came over again. That's it.
Yeah. My dad did that with Street Fighter 2 on Super Nintendo.
He beat you? He didn't beat us, but he took it to his workbench. Yeah.
He goes, you boys are going to fight. He took a sledgehammer.
Yeah. Fight over this.
Oh, my God. Broke it to pieces.
Brand new video game. Ah, no.
Why? Why? Christmas gift, gone. Did he buy you another one? No.
He one time hid our 007 GoldenEye as a punishment because we were fighting over it again. Yeah.
And then he forgot where he hid it. And you never saw it again? Uh-uh.
What if it's still there somewhere like behind a wall? In the house? In the house. It might be.
Wait, do they still live in the same house? What? My dad and my brother and my mom or what?

No, where he hit that golden eye.

Oh, no, we don't live in that house.

That's like a childhood.

Was that a difficult question?

I don't know.

Dude, my butthole is...

I know, I know.

I'm still in pain.

I think we're doing okay

with that being the pain.

Yeah, we've been doing great.

Do you guys still feel it though?

I do.

I didn't want to...

Yeah, I do.

Do you guys still feel it?

It's more of a like...

It's a weird sensation. It's like an ice cube in my butthole.
Yeah, it's cooling off. It still feels like a little ice cube in my butthole.
Does it burn at all? A little bit, yeah. I think I have blood in my shorts.
Yeah. It's weird when you experience it.
Now, let me ask yourself this though, because you have Wilder now, your kid. Are you going to do that shit with him? No, you're a great're not gonna do any of that are you sure though what you just wait me because they drive you so crazy that you just resort to certain certain things no i don't think i think i'll go more the disappointment route yeah or time out the time out route yeah where time out works oh if because when your parents get disappointed with you that's longer lasting than rage and everything like that yeah because rage and stuff like that it lingers within the kid too right and it just kind of manifests itself in weird ways as an adult maybe that's why you're not going to have kids huh I want I want it.
Do you? Yeah, but dude, it's like... What? Time.
What do you mean time? We're getting older. I could still have it.
Look at Steve Martin. Yeah, he had kids at like 70.
How old was he? At 70. At 70.
Oh, okay. You're good.
But now you see him like, you know what I mean? He was a six-year-old kid. Do you want kids? He's in a walker and he's at the park.
Do you want it? You know, look at me right now. Because you're at the age like you know i mean he was a six-year-old kid do you want he's in a walker and he's at the park do you want it you know i look at because you're at the age you know what what age okay i'm sorry i'm sorry but you know i'm 50 i know but this is a good age it's a great age i'm in it at a good age are you guys gonna do it yeah yeah i want to but here's here's the deal.
Kalilah's dad was 60 when he had her. So I just feel like, but if I'm going to do it, I have to do it now.
You should do it now. Yeah, I want to do it now.
I want to be like, because when I'm 70, my kid will be 20. He'll be out of the house.
And then maybe I can. Do you still have sperm? Do you have like healthy? Do you still have sperm, Bobby? like not just like dust bubbles like a library book first of all first of all if I had is it like a do you have like Smithsonian come no if I looked at my comedy was dust bubble yeah I don't even know what that is by the way sanders yeah if it was it was, yeah.
If there was sand. Grainy.
Grainy in my cum. I would go to the hospital.
Do you still masturbate? Yes, I do. You fuck.
Okay. That shit works, bro.
Oh, yeah, it works good. It's a machine.
Like, you could still get it. You could still get it.
Yeah, dude, I'm not fucking, you know what I mean, 90. No, I haven't talked to you in a long time.
Yeah, my dick works. I know, but you could get heart and everything.
Instantly. Yeah, of course.
I was just wondering.

So you do-

Well, you're only three years younger.

I know.

Do you have dust bubbles in your dick?

Oh, no.

It's working great.

Real good, right?

Oh, yeah.

It's beautiful.

Yeah, it's beautiful.

Bing.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah.

You feel have the same sexual desires?

Oh, yeah.

Me too.

Do you still use toys and stuff?

What do you mean?

Well, you know the Pringles thing?

You know, they call us the Pringle Boys. Well, it's a little hard when you're- Because you can make a homemade- I know.
It's hard when you are living with a kid. You know I have a high schooler in my house.
Yeah, Rudy. Yeah.
So I don't want a flashlight laying around the living room. Yeah.
You know what I mean? So you're just old school? And also also when i masturbate i can't just masturbate in the bed you know i mean next to kalilah that's weird right i've never done i've never done the watch porn masturbate you can't do that so what do you have to go downstairs no i have to do it either um well sometimes i do it in the garage you do i have done it like where tiger belly's's filmed? Yeah Oh, down there?

Where the video game is So I'll be playing Warzone

She thinks you're gaming

Not in the guest seat or anything, right?

No, no, no

Not in the guest seat

That's rude

No, I'll be gaming

And then I'll just go

And I just

Because, you know

I have to quit at a certain time

So I go

It's getting almost 1.30

I gotta stop

Maybe I'll just

Masturbate real quick And I'll just do it What do you go ahead spank bank what do you mean spank bank or do you look at something I look I just want to enter this hallway what do you look at what are you watching I look what do you look at though Bobby I want to know what you're watching I'm not like I'm not doing because I don't want to... I used to spend so much money on buying membership.
See, I always question that. It's for free, right? Yeah.
Oh, you're specific. No, it's not about specific.
Okay, sorry, sorry. It's about...
The free ones are like four-minute videos sometimes. They don't do...
No, 10 minutes, 15. Sometimes, right? But it's not high definition.
Yeah. You know what I mean? I like all that stuff.
Okay. I like new, you know? No, but what else? Do you like topical porn? No, I like relevant porn.
What do you mean by relevant? I think you- Just like- Go ahead. Go ahead.
Keep going. No, I just like ones that are like, you know- Well, I- Think about it.
What do you mean? Just think about what you're about to say, though. I just want you to.
What are you talking about? I just want you to be, you know. Think about it.
I go on Pornhub. Okay.
That's true. Yeah, that's safe.
Yeah, but I go premium. Oh.
I pay for the premium. What's the difference? You just get a lot more content.
Oh, okay. And higher definition videos and longer videos.
Far more access. Do you get through longer videos, though? Do you know what I mean? Do you keep watching after you complete? And does it take longer for you? I've noticed it takes longer for me.
Oh, no. You're like, boom.
No, I get into manic obsession. Really? Yeah, I know how to focus my attention because I play a game called Match 3D.
What? There's a game called Match 3D where you have to put like symbols inside a little thing as fast as you can. And if you don't focus, especially on your phone because on your iPad it's easier, but on your, you have to really look.
And I use that technology and that system when I watch porn. Oh, my.
I focus into the pussy. Oh, so your mind just goes right in.
Yeah, yeah. And I'm like nothing.
You know, sometimes you'll be watching porn and you'll hear a noise. I go, is that a ghost? Or, you know what I mean? Or you start thinking about other things.
It's the only two options. Whatever.
You know what I mean? Or is that my girlfriend? Maybe that would be the right. Or you think about, what do I have to do tomorrow? I know how to laser focus and do the situation.
Do you know how to do that? It takes me like an hour. I'm the opposite.
To finish? It takes me a long, I mean sometimes hours. Hours.
Just to finish one load? Oh yeah. Really i have one hour longer sometimes what a two hour what are you just laid three are you out baby the sun will be out baby are you jerking off the entire time i take breaks the sun's out baby the sun is out i understand that can i ask you this can't you do like two or three What are you talking about I mean it's like are you like You know what it is It desensitizes you Cause uh I noticed that I'll get sick of watching one scene And I'm like ah this is not doing it And then I'll cut to another you know what I mean It's just like boom boom boom boom yeah That's why it takes so long I mean, I'll get sick of watching one scene and I'm like, ah, this is not doing it.
And then I'll cut to another.

You know what I mean?

It's just like boom, boom, boom, boom.

Yeah.

That's why it takes so long.

I mean, I'll be honest with you.

I have gone through

five or six videos.

Maybe 10.

Mine's hundreds.

Yeah, but tons.

You need help then.

What are you talking about?

If you have to look at hundreds of videos.

Not hundreds, maybe 50.

Is that normal?

No, it's not. 50 is...
I'm trying to have your back. Yeah, 50 is hard.
I have your back. Yeah, it's normal.
50 is difficult. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Maybe you should just take a break.
You know what? That's healthy. Are you worried about me? I'm worried about it.
I'll tell you what I'm worried about. I'll tell you what I'm worried about.
And this is... Real talk.
We're just talking about real talk. This is not comedy.
Okay. What I'm worried about is, you know, one night we were all waiting for you for Warzone.
And we're trying to contact you. And Dylan and I, and you weren't around, so we went in.
You thought the worst. No that you died.
Okay. Well, I thought you guys thought something happened.
No, and then you said I just woke up and it was like 1230 at night. Oh, I'm improving though because since the Scissor Bros, yeah.
No, no, no, but I'm just saying that worries me that you're waking up at 1230. My sleeping schedule? And I'm not blaming – I'm not saying you're partly to blame, but as a kid – I haven't seen you in a year.
But as a kid, I'm not deflecting. I'm just kind of – As a kid, I taught you how to do it.
No, no, let's go down the timeline. Let's go down the timeline.
I remember when we were kids, before he started stand-up, he'd be like, not, you know, come in my room, hey, you know, like Martin Lawrence, stand-up. He's the – you know, like he would talk about stand-up specials hey stay up with me and watch this thing and so i remember i'm not blaming you but i'm just giving you it sounds like you're blaming me no no no i'm just giving you a timeline i'll give me the timeline and so i just remember like oh okay i'll stay up i'll stay up you know like hollywood shuffle all these great like movies or comedy special yeah yeah i make them stay up till midnight no no longer than that like this is the vhs days and everything and i just remember back then i'm like all right i'll stay up and then it's i just remember it started back then it's progressively got worse and then i have a i'm it's not my fault it's not my fault i have myself to blame right it's everything he's been waking up earlier though we've been doing the podcast way earlier yeah reach it brother yeah keep going he's on time every every time shows up early yeah when do you shoot though 7 p.m oh you do yeah keep going keep going he shows up with he shows up with ideas he thinks about stuff all week he comes up with every challenge that we do from week to week oh wow wow yeah every week we shoot extra content at least once or twice a week outside of when we record the podcast talk about the ad reads we do very unique ad reads okay where we dress up i'm always early that's not what what i'm worried about is this though it's um you know um i just feel like you know i just want you to be in a relationship keep in mind

I went through a breakup

it's only been 5-6 months right give me that let me go through my thing you know what I mean let me go through it a little bit cause you didn't use that you know cause let's talk about real time things have happened and I have been in a dark spot but yeah I're we're i'm crawling out of it right jeremiah i'm crawling yeah he's been dating some people and stuff he's trying to meet he doesn't have a car i know what we're working we're working on that we're working on it okay you get a car license yeah you get vaccinated there's certain things that he just doesn't he's sort of like off the off the grid i know i'm there to help him with that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's been great. We've been doing positive things.
Let's keep it positive, baby. Okay, okay, okay.
Contestant number one, please introduce yourself. My name is Panjani McGivens, and I'm from Yellowstone Elementary School in Lubbock, Texas.
And that's it. Okay.
So how do you spell intelligence? I N T E L I L. L.
A-G-N-C-E. That was incorrect.
I know it was. Was that correct or incorrect? Incorrect.
I lost, then. Go ahead.
Okay. Please introduce yourself.
Timothy Kramer, Tucson, Arizona.

Hi, Timothy.

Handkerchief.

Can you use it in a sentence, please?

Yes, I use my handkerchief when I cry to wipe my tears.

Handkerchief.

Handkerchief. Hinkerchief.

Am I saying that correctly?

Yes.

Hinkerchief.

H-A-N-K-E-R-C-H-I-E-F. Almost.
Handkerchief. Thank you for participating.
Bad note. No.
Incorrect. All right.
Our last contestant here. Please introduce yourself.
Hi. My name's Darius Finnegan.
You have to standgan You have to stand up Yeah, you have to stand up

Oh, no, no, not too high

That's good, that's good

Hi, my name's Darius

You're in your wheelchair

Yeah, yeah

Hi, my name's Darius Finnegan

I got a Sacagawea grade school

I'm ready for the word

LaGoria

Can you repeat the word. Logaria.

Can you repeat the word, please?

Logaria.

Margarita?

No, Logaria.

One more time?

Logaria.

Logaria?

Yes.

Could I get the definition of the word, please? A tendency to extreme loquacity. Could you use it in a sentence, please? Yes.
My economist professor, lagaria, can be frustrated in times. I'm kind of having bad flashbacks right now.

Lagaria?

Yes.

L. L.
A-G-U-R-I-L-L-A.

La Guerilla.

Incorrect. Incorrect.

Imagine all your friends Love you to the end of time My friends Bad friends Good friends and all the friends you have in the world.

Don't say no, because you, I know that you're a dream.

I don't know how to rest.

Okay.

Thanks for tuning in

Thanks for being a bad friend

There you go

We haven't started yet

We like that, though

I love it

What the fuck are you doing?

We can see you next time. What the fuck are you doing?

Richard Ramirez is my favorite serial killer

he snuck into your house

Rape

I don't know

I'm not going to start with that that's too dark it was too dark Rape. I don't know.

I'm not going to start with that.

That's too dark.