An Alligator and a Robbery

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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. I want to break free.

I want to break free.

I want to break free from my life and I don't know what to do no more.

I want to break free.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

How was it?

You had fun? I went out to Texas. It was good? I know.
It was so fun. So good.
It was so fun. Addison is great.
Yeah. Do they still have my photo up on the hallway? I took it down.
Joe Coy is up there now. I actually asked.
I said, is Bob in the hallway? And she goes, it's Joe Coy is up there now. No, Joe Coy was always there.
They had another photo of me out there. It's another one of Joe Coy.
So they have two Joe Coy's on the way. Oh, fuck.
Well, I had to get back there then. They said they miss you.
It's been too long. That's literally what they said.
Did they really take my photo off? I don't know. You're going to have to go back and see.
Did they take my photo off? You're going to have to go back and see. You're going to break my heart.
I didn't do it. Because I know that three weeks ago, some other comic was there, and they said that my photo was still up there.
Something changed. Something changed because I did not.
It was not up there. Joe Coy had two up there.
And Ralphie Mae was up there. Oh.
Well, he takes up a whole wall. It's a whole wall.
It's one side. He takes up a whole wall.
How have my kids been? Good. We were missing you.
Did you miss me? Yeah, we were missing you. I missed you guys.
I sent you a video on stage. I FaceTimed you on stage, all the Addison crew.
By the way, the number one question I got asked on the road at the very end, because I said no meet and greets, we can do a little Q&A, and the number one question, hands down, was is Rudy leaving? I shit you not. Well, I have an update for you.
Yes. She said to me the other day, and it was a little confusing.
She goes, I, Tito Papi? I go, yeah. She goes, I don't think, I think I'm going to do community college.
And I go, really? For two years. And I go, why? Because I want to stay on the best friends did you really say that rude he asked me first where i was going and then i said i was thinking of going to community college well you know at the end of the day though look what you get all right you don't okay so 80 000 instagram followers sleep okay you get to sleep on the hill which is so nice you know you you know people of your stature and age and color well that's i should have led with that you know people of your color they don't get to sleep on the hill yeah on the in the hills you know i had to I had to write a letter to Gavin Newsom.

I wrote a letter to Gavin.

I go, Mr. Mayor.

Was it governor?

It's either or.

Either or.

Yeah.

Governor Newsom.

I call him Newsom.

You do?

Are you that close to them?

We're very close, right?

Wow.

Newsom.

Newsom.

Right?

Newsom.

Newsom.

I said, listen, I have a half human, right?

Quarter maybe?

Yeah.

Quarter human.

Quarter human. And half a quarter other.
I don don't know I didn't know what to say And then I said She's from an island She's gonna be living Can she live He goes, no, no We don't have those in the hills I get that And I go, please And I said Why don't I go up to Sacramento? Because that's where he was at the time Oh yeah, right I'll suck your dick do you offer that to Gov News? I'll suck your dick to get I sucked his dick at his winery? I sucked Gavin Newsom's dick you went to his winery and you had a little Chablis I'm sober so they got a de-alkalized de-alkalized one de-alkalized? you. De-alkalized one.
You put a cock in that. But they took out the alcohol.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They took the alcohol.
And then you asked the Deezy's so she could live in the hills? Yeah. And then I said, well, also I wanted coffee.
So give me some coffee. You can put your cream in there.
Ah. So Gavin went right into the coffee.
I drank it after sucking his dick, right? And he goes, I will allow her to live in the hills. So that's number one I did for you.
That's so huge. Number two, you have your own bedroom, right? She doesn't have her own bathroom, though.
She does. What? Yeah.
I don't even have my own bathroom. You have your own bathroom, your own shower? You have your own shower? Yeah.
How many people did you have to share a shower with when you were in the Philippines? 70? 70, 80, right? Jesus. Right? So let me ask you this too.
Wow. How much do you pay rent? Zero.
Yeah, exactly. Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Zero, zero, zero? Zero, zero. Yeah, nothing.
Okay, that aside, what about like electric bills or internet or television or all that? Zero. Zero.
Okay, that aside, what about like taxes, you know, like property taxes which are very, very expensive. Very expensive.
Zero very very expensive zero okay so what about like food or stocking the home with all sorts of miscellaneous stuff like toilet paper or paper towels i sometimes buy she'll get mcdonald's she'll buy she'll buy mcdonald's yeah she'll buy mcdonald's sometimes okay you but you've button 7-eleven 7-eleven she'll get no big baller right big baller wait seven what do you get from 7-Eleven. 7-Eleven she'll get.
Oh, a big baller over there. Right, a big baller.

Wait, what do you get from 7-Eleven for the house?

Chips. Chips

for the house or chips for you? For me.

Okay, so again, this doesn't add up to the total of

what we're talking about. I buy vegetables.

What vegetables are you buying?

Here's another thing that she does that drives me crazy.

Broccoli. I'll go like...

How much is broccoli? Go ahead.

I'll go to her. I'll go, hey, I'm going to order dinner for myself.
I'm going to go to Morton's, right? Yeah. Do you want me to order you something? And she always goes, no, you could just do it on your own.
I'm just going to eat, you know what I mean? Whatever. You know what I mean? She doesn't take my.
But she could be having meat and potatoes. You could have steak.
You could have filet mignon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You don't want it? No. Why? It's wasteful.
Yeah, I just want eggs. That's all she eats.
You just want eggs. And rice.
She eats eggs and rice, and that's all she eats. All day.
What'd you have for breakfast? Eggs. No.
What'd you have just now? Three-day-old. No, breakfast, eggs.
A four-day- From where? From Vito It was into Bobby's leftover Vito's Oh Vito's You've been there? On Las Vegas? So good So good right? It's so good But wait a minute You said you're not eating pizza anymore Didn't you talk about this? I ate it You did I ate it Did you break your rules? No I never had a. You told me you were going to stop eating deep dish.
So this is what I did.

And then you stopped.

Bro, bro, this is what I did.

What?

So Friday night, right, was great because the girls went out to Vegas.

Really?

Yeah.

Where did you guys stay?

Marriott.

J.W. Marriott.

Right.

You know what the J.W. stands for.

Jew.

John Wick.

John Wick.

John Wick.

John Wick Marriott.

Yeah.

Sponsored.

So the girls go out to Vegas all weekend.

Party.

So guess what I did?

Ate.

This is my party.

I went to Vito's.

Got a large meatball pizza with mushrooms.

And then I went to the comedy store.

Oh, wait.

That's right.

It was open.

Yeah.

How was it?

Hung out backstage. Hung out with Tiana and a bunch of people.
Ren and Zizzy. Did it feel weird? What? Did it feel weird? No.
It felt totally normal. It felt so good.
Really? It felt so good. And then Saturday night, they were out, so I went, you know what? I'll call little David Spadey up.
So he goes, come to this, you know. Come to this.
When you take him out of his Jack in the Box, do you have to crank it or is he already? He's already out of the box. Because the box is in his house.
Yeah, he lives in the box. Does he have an assistant? No, no, no.
What happens is you go there, right? You know, it's shaped like a circus. It's shaped like a desperate, lonely single guy.
It's like a red, white tent, right? And you go in and then there's the bearded lady who

he's had sex with that's his what is that what is that his house may person house person house that's his house person house person and i go hello harry that's his name hi yeah hi and i go is uh can i can i wind up the box can i get him out of the box and he goes go ahead it's a huge lever.

He comes out.

Right.

And Can I get him out of the box? And he goes, go ahead. It's a huge lever.
He comes out. Right.
And he goes, hey, buddy. Hey, buddy.
And then that's how it works. But then.
Did you go hang out at his house all night? No. He goes, I'm at a restaurant called something in Essex.
Something in Essex. I don't know what it's called that's okay and I go who you going with he goes Tim Dillon yeah so I go oh I was just calling because you can't go could I come right you can but I didn't but you didn't want to feel that way I didn't want to feel that way so I go oh I was just gonna know see if i'm alone you know what i mean yeah he goes ah that's what he said in the text oh which means come on come

on he goes here it is so i go there and um i'm gonna get in trouble for saying this but please

it was like an mtv music video shoot why it was one of those places where there's a rope

Thank you. it was like an MTV music video shoot.
Why? It was one of those places where there's a rope. There's a gigantic black man wearing a suit.
Yes. He's got dreads.
He's a bouncer. I don't call him that.
What do you call him? A greeter. He's a greeter.
Sorry, he's a bouncer. Bouncer, yeah.
I shouldn't say the't say the r yeah what you want right right um yeah because i haven't been out in a while hey man i know you no i was wearing the mask oh he couldn't see you i go you think i'm scorpion huh he goes no he goes get over here yeah loved you in hangover all right the way you popped out of that trunk man yeah so then I and it was like people going hi um we've been out here for an hour it's like that oh yeah it was crazy I don't like that right and then they're like um yo little man step to the side to me I almost left wait so you just got shuffled along I got shuffled aside and this other guy another older you know how the older black say it I'm left. Wait, so you just got shuffled along? I got shuffled outside.
And this other guy, another older, you know, older black. Say it.
Older black guys who have like little things in their ears. What does that even mean? They have little things in their ears.
Earbuds? Something. They're talking to somebody like CIA has.
Oh, you mean. Yeah.
Like he works there. No, there was another guy.
He was just like talking. No, he was trying to get in he goes yeah you know who i am oh bluetooth headset yeah you know who i am right right right he's i don't know you man right and it was that kind of and then a bunch of women and then some woman goes asian lady goes tommy to you yes because there's people say that all the time why tom they think i'm they think tommy and bobby are the same it's so then i have to go no it's bobby oh yeah excuse me yeah bobby and she loved you right so i call spade i'm outside he's like just say my name right so i I go, David Spade? No contact.
Yeah, no contact. David Spade! Oh, you're with David Spade?

Yeah.

I go, David Spade. No contact.
No contact. David Spade.
Oh, you're with David Spade? Yeah. I go, yeah.
They bring me right. Dude, it was great.
They push all these. The guy with the thing gets brushed to the side.
All the girls with the little coochies hanging out on the side. The coochies hanging out.
Was it nice? I have to say... The girls were on vacation.
So little Bobby got a little look. I have to say I did a couple of glancy glances.
Yee! Like, coochie, coochie. Like, you know what I mean? And I saw it.
Blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink. And I go.
And it's like 90% like... It looks just music video people.
Who else famous was there? No one else. Really? Yeah.
Are you covering up? No, no one else. Because it feels like famous people were there.
No one else. I don't know anybody.
Maybe there's a demographic of famous people there that I don't know. Who do you think would be there? The MyPillow guy, maybe? No, no, no.
There's no way. You don't think he was there? MyPillow guy is more of a Boa kind of a guy.
I'm at at boa! Trying to get laid! Yeah, that guy's insane. My pillow is a boa guy.
Well, I had a little famous experience in Texas because Pat Mahomes, who you don't know, came to see me. I love Pat Mahomes.
Who is he? Basketball. Yeah? What sport? Okay, basketball.
What team? Mavericks. He does play for the Dallas Mavericks.
What position? I don't know. Well, guess.
Center forward. Center forward.
Pat Mahomes is center forward for the Dallas Mavericks. Came to see me do stand-up comedy.
Did I get it right? He's a football player for the Kansas City Chiefs. I thought I got it right.
I know you did. I was like, oh my God, I'm good.
Yeah, that was. No, he's a quarterback for the Kansas City Chiefs.
He won the Super Bowl. He came to see me and then we went out and you maybe get this one.
Yeah. This is how dope it was.
We go out, and then I'm like, oh, this is incredible. Then he's like, we want to go out-out.
And I was like, we're already out. We're already out.
He's like, nah, we're going out-out. They're younger than us.
They're way younger. You forget, these are 25.
Is he a fan of Whiskey Ginger? He met me through, I know Travis Kelsey, who's also a Kansas City chief.

And we became friends.

And he came and saw me when me and Rogan were in Kansas City four years ago.

And he was like, I got to see you when you come to Dallas.

Because that's where he lives.

So anyway, we go out, out again.

And then you'll love this.

Ezekiel Elliott was there.

You know he plays.

For the Detroit Lions.

Yes.

And what position? Running back. Yes, he does.
Yes, he does. Yes know he plays.
For the Detroit Lions. Yes.
And what position?

Running back.

Yes, he does.

Yes, he does.

Yes, he does.

Did I get my clothes?

Actually, you're much closer this time.

Which one?

Ezekiel Ella plays for the?

Dallas.

Dallas Mavericks.

No.

The sport was right the first time.

I don't know.

Dallas Cowboys.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's.

Running line. Jacked.
Linebacker. No, you had it right.
Running back. Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
Are you being real? Mm-hmm. No, what does he do? I swear to God.
Okay. Look it up.
And he was there and everyone was so cool and so rich. And you know how like, and they threw money.
Everyone was throwing money. Yeah.
I picked some up. What do you mean? They were, you know, they're making it rain.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I picked up some of the money.
I always, I do that at weddings. You think I'm not going to pick up the money? Yeah, yeah.
Why did you throw the money? When I'm at a wedding and they throw rice, I do the same thing. No, I do because I'm like, you're wasting all this rice? Right, so I'll just add a little scoop and I scoop the rice up, right? And then I'll go to my hotel room or wherever and I'll make the rice, you know what mean bobby's so good so good no yeah i did i scooped up the money like a like a chump yeah because it's the it's money there dude there was 20 bills on the ground yeah yeah i don't think you did that if it i swear i swear a scout's honor if i look if it was singles i'm not picking them up yeah there was a couple 20s and 10s in there i let's get a little money what am i gonna you know yeah how am am I going to tip the Uber guy? You know, it's funny when you're around – because I'm always the guy to pay.
For – you mean like when the group – Like at my level, with the people that I'm with and my group, you're – Bing! Bing! Right there, right? I'm always the one to pay. But it's like what I love about going out with like people that are above me – Don't have to pay.
Is you don't have to pay. It's so nice.
Yeah. Like when Spade always like it's already paid for before.
He doesn't have a choice. He should pay.
Yeah. He should pay.
Because he's got the most. But then you have to say – I looked at him, right? And I go, hey, buddy.
Just want to let you know. Next time.
And I see this every time I eat with him.

I've said it probably 50 times.

Next time?

Next time?

It's on me, pal.

He goes, don't worry about it.

I'm telling you.

You know what I mean?

Because I don't want him to think that that's why I'm going out with him.

But it is partially.

100%. Yeah.

100%.

I like free meals.

Yeah, they took care of the bill.

Yeah.

It was incredible.

The guy who was with me, Chris, he lost his phone in an Uber and he got it two days later. Could you be without your phone for two days? No.
Two days. I'd be dead.
Two days. I said I would be dead.
The guy, by the way, the guy, the guy that we had to get the Uber, the Uber driver that we had to get the phone back from, this text conversation is insane. So I get it.
We get his number off the app. I call.
We report a missing phone. The guy picks up.
That night, I remember, he was very like,

he had the pixies on, he was a huge afro,

and he was like, oh, you guys like this song, man?

And we're like, yeah, and he goes,

yeah, it's fucking groove, dude.

It's fucking groove.

That's what the Uber driver was like? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He was cool as shit.

He was high as a kite.

Yeah, yeah.

So, of course, this guy's-

He said it's groove?

This is fucking groove, man.

Oh, I've never heard that.

Neither have I. This guy, he was an alien.
Yeah, yeah. So then, of course, my friend Chris O'Connor, who opens for me, he was incredible.
He left his phone in the car. Chris O'Connor did.
Chris O'Connor dropped his phone in the Uber. So then we call this guy, this Groove off the app, right? This dude answered the phone.
He's like, what's up? And I was like, hey, man, we've been pinging the phone. You know how you can, like, ping? You you can send them it'll go to know it's lost yeah i go we've been pinging the phone he goes i heard that i go we called it like six times he goes i heard that too i was like you didn't want to pick it up and he goes yeah man i was gonna get around to it and i was like okay cool where are you so we can you so we can get the phone? And he goes, I'm at my house.
And then Chris is on his computer. You know, you can track my phone.
He's not at his house. He's driving around all over the place.
Oh, wow, wow, wow. I was like, can we meet you at a location? He goes, nah, let's do it tomorrow.
I'm like, but you have my friend's phone. He's like, I know.
I'm busy, man. I was like, was like okay he's one of these guys can I just set up a schedule so we can get the phone from you we'll give you money that's why I said we'll pay you money yeah he goes cool check it tomorrow call me I wake up around 3 and I go I'm used to that yeah and he goes and you can meet me wherever I am fine this fucking guy I wanna meet I want to meet this guy.
Dude, I get up in the morning. Yeah.
We do a whole day. I don't text until 2 just to see if maybe he got up early to pee.
Yeah, yeah. 2 p.m.
I text. No response.
3 o'clock rolls around. He goes, yo, beautiful day outside.
Took my bike out. And I was like, do you have the phone with you? On a bike ride ride i love this guy because he's giving information but very don't need yeah but very and very vague too took the bike out yeah yeah i don't know what do you what is that i said do you take the phone with you he goes at the house and he goes check it meet me at this address when i secure barbecue we'll exchange the phone when i secure barbecue that means lunch for them yeah when he gets barbecue we can have the phone oh wow okay so i'm working on barbecue right now so we take this we take a car all the way out to you're taking another uber another uber to an uber guy's house took a fucking uber to an uber guy's house yeah yeah so we get to this fucking house yeah he comes outside he answers chris the phone and then chris didn't

want to he at first was like i'm gonna give him money but then he was like this guy made it so

fucking hard yeah should we even give him some money yeah and chris hands the guy the money and

he takes the money because i think he's i was like 20 bucks or something like that he takes the money

like it wasn't enough he was like what are you not enough what do you what do you want it's not

enough we came to you it's 100 bucks a hundred bucks well who pays it me yeah you're the

Thank you. it's not enough what do you want it's not enough we came to you it's 100 bucks 100 bucks well who pays it me yeah you're the headliner that paid for my meal but I paid for you paid I paid for everything no no no so my opener loses his phone and I have to pay I paid for the Uber to get us there I took us out to the fucking nightclubs to the food I paid for everything let me say something okay yeah Jade Cat catapretta opened for me in florida somewhere and so we're done with the weekend this actually happened and i and now i have a thing with my openers i go the car picks us up at 7 a.m if you're not downstairs at 7 a.m it's gone i'm out because i don't like being late to a flight yeah nobody, nobody.
Yeah, no. And I always call a little early.
I always say, if it's 7.30, I'll go, just come at 7. Sure.
So at 7 in the morning, I'm standing at all my shit. I'm in the, you know what I mean, right next to the car and she's nowhere.
And I just called her. I was going to give her a farewell call.
Was she out drinking the night before? Yeah. Because that's almost always what happens.
And she goes, hello? Cry. Yeah, no, I got that.
Really? Is it acting good? It was pretty good acting, right? I don't know what else that could have been. Maybe she's in pain.
Hello? I slipped in the tub. I hit my fucking head.
Yeah, and I go, I gotta go to the airport. And I go, what's the matter? She's like, I can't find my sunglasses.
Swear to God. What? Yeah, swear to God.
Get in the fucking car! Right, I wanna say that, right? What are you talking about? But I go, I'll get you new sunglasses. I'll buy you the nicest pair of sunglasses you've ever had.
No. She has sentiment.
You know how – do you have sentimental value? Not to sunglasses. Not to anything.
No. To me, nothing.
No. Honestly, no.
Yeah, yeah. I have sentimental value when it comes to human beings.
People. Yeah.
But if I lost a thing, it's a thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe my car. No.
All right, but I would be bummed. If I lost my car.
We could have your car stolen right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You would not care. Probably, you're right.
I would drive you home. Exactly, you're right.
Yeah, we'd get a new car. I'd get a new car.
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Rules and restrictions may apply. So, um, I go, it's normal.
My uncle Felipe, he got me the sunglasses three years ago He right now has stomach cancer Or whatever I was Oh my god Felipe And I go Bye I mean what do you want from me So she comes down She's crying With her stuff Six bags you were there for two days yeah yeah and i go how much were they the glasses it's my responsibility as an as a headliner okay she goes 295 bucks and i got it gave her to her okay i would do the same i was gonna buy chris a new. I didn't give it to her.

Oh, here's another thing.

I just thought of another one.

Another funny one was when,

so Fahima and Anwar, same thing.

I go.

Love.

8 a.m., right?

And I go,

and I told him that,

I go,

I swear to fucking God I'll leave.

He's like,

dude, I got you, man. I got you, right?

I show up at the car,

and I go,

he's not here.

Make a courtesy call. He goes, I'm coming down right now, right comes down and he's like I'm ready man he's got like The shirt Upside down Inside out His luggage clothes is sticking out of the cracks It's hilarious It's like an 80's movie basically what happened was I called him he was asleep he hadn't packed he just threw shit on packed he probably left half his shit up there for sure but you know what I've done that with Rogan I've done that, blip, blip.
And I'm like, oh my God! And I just throw shit in the fucking bag. Yeah, yeah.
Because I always set my alarm. But you know what? The fucking iPhone sometimes, it'll just automatically set to PM instead of AM.
Yeah. So it's like, oh, set for 7 PM.
Yeah. So I'm woken up by, it's Mr.
Santino. There's a car downstairs, Mr.
Rogan. I'm like, oh, fuck! Because I know Joe is like, like so anxious to go.
He's like, where's the fuck oh he does that he wants to be so scared it's pretty right on the nose with him yeah and i'm so precise with my time yeah so with him with that because because we had gone out in like i don't know cleveland or some shit wherever the fuck we were and we met up with jessa may peluso love her love and we were going out and we weren't even stay out late i just had a couple of drinks and we just we hung out we weren't even like going out we just hung out at the club and then of course i go back i set the alarm wrong and he's he does this thing in the car look at you're me you're me when i get in the car go ahead open the door i'm you yeah you're and i'm joe all right we're good to go oh that hurt what you just did there so the whole way to the airport, I was going like this. I would do this.
You know where you do this? You go, those are fun shows. Why do you even say anything? Because I don't know what to do.
No, I shut down. I would shut down.
But then if you're too quiet, then he's like, what was going on last night? And then you have to go, when you went to the bed, you sound like an idiot either way. You're done.
You're done. So night and then you have to go when you went to the bed you sound like an idiot either way you're done and then also that same day by the way I got to drive, you don't care but I got to drive a Ferrari a McLaren and a Porsche because Brady Matthews brother-in-law owns a big fleet of beautiful cars and he let us drive them around and I felt like a little kid in a candy store I felt so cool for a moment in time driving around a Rari, you know? I'll never be able to afford it.
It's half a million dollars, the car that I was in. I drove a Ferrari like four months ago.
Where? In the opening scene of Magnum PI. Oh, he drives a Ferrari.
The opening shot is, they think it's Magnum driving the Ferrari. But it's Bobby Lee.
But it's my character driving the Ferrari. How far did you get to go?

I spent six hours driving all over Hawaii.

But were you driving it driving?

Yeah, yeah.

They had, you know, I have to follow a truck and a crane.

That's what I mean, right.

What?

Well, I was ripping around.

But I had rehearsals as well before.

I mean, I did it.

You did it.

Okay.

Do you know what kind of Ferrari it was?

A red one, like in the show.

I don't fucking know, man. Well, but there's a specific model two two nine x 360 it was a two nine x 360 yeah let me wait a minute the two nine x 360 i or the f f that the fast one yeah yeah the good one two nine x 360 f look that up please look up ferrari two nine x 360 f but can i tell you can i tell you something i want to see i want to see what i was thinking thinking about...
So when you were bringing up Joe Rogan, I was thinking about where it went wrong with him and I. You were thinking about what was the breaking point? By the way, is that the 29F360 right there? The girl.
That's what I wrote. What went wrong with you? That's what you wrote it.
Yeah, I wrote the girl. Cool.
And Joe will bring this up. He won't won't deny it the story so when i was a doorman at the la jolla comedy store yeah joe rogan was on this is before news radio before news radio yeah so he was he was a kid from boston but he was a headliner already yeah but he was a do arnold schwarzenegger impressions he was a man still then a real man he was like a black belt he was never a kid i think when he was born he was like rogan yeah yeah right so he comes into town and he's like um i'm a doorman and afterwards he's like he was with a diaz too joey diaz and they go and joey and i knew each other so joey goes hey uh take him to a strip club yeah so i take.
Girls, girls, girls. No.
Body shop. Deja Vu in San Diego.
Oh, I'm sorry. This is down south.
I was living in San Diego. Right, right, right.
Deja Vu is great. Yeah.
So we go there. By the airport.
Right. And I have no money.
Right. Like I'm broke.
He paid for me to get in there. What do you think is in your bank account at the time? Zero.
I don have one Genuinely I genuinely did not have one What I would do is I would take my paycheck And I would cash it at a cash checking point Like Western Union Yeah, yeah Wow I was at that point in my life Damn, Bob Yeah And then I have to tell you this Although there's another story that happened But anyway Because that sprung up another thing But anyway I'm at a strip club And I'm just sitting there I can't tip so I'm just sitting there but I want to act cool because it's Joe Rogan's there right? Right. So these gang members are sitting next to us Always.
Right? And they go what the fuck are you looking at Joe Rogan? She's like nothing buddy I'm just watching the show whatever.. What do you think? I'm looking...
There's naked girls here. Yeah, yeah.
Take a guess. I guess...
No, he was looking at them. Were they naked too? No.
Just four naked gang members? No, they had like wife beaters, tattoos on their neck. But the wife beaters, could you see their nipples a little bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe. And Joe goes, and they get in a spat.
Like they're yelling at each other. Kind of, yeah.
And then, I don't know why I did this.

Come on, Papa.

So the guys go, hey, fuck you, puto.

We'll be back.

To him?

Yeah, so they all leave to go to their cars.

Shit.

Joe turns to us, and he goes, let's get the fuck out of here.

Yeah.

And I go, what do you guys? I said.

You said, what do you guys?

What do you guys play?

No, pussies.

You said, what are you guys, pussies?

To Joey Diaz and Rogan in a strip club.

Yeah.

Because four Mexican gang members went to their car.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

What do you think they were going to get?

A blanket for you?

Maybe it's like, you know, what they did to the American Indians back in the day uh kill them polio or something you said what are you guys pussies yeah what did he say he didn't talk to me for years after that makes sense yeah yeah yeah because you should have got me because i thought i was being tough you're not i know but i'm from there what is that i'm just saying in my head at the time i'm like I'm from there? You're from Poway. I know, but I'm from there.
What is that? I'm just saying, in my head at the time, I'm like, I'm from there? You're from Poway. I know, but I'm from San Diego.
The Poway's in San Diego. I know, but Poway's not.
I know, it's the suburbs. Yeah.
Country clubs, the whole thing. Yeah, it's not.
I don't know what with my head. Did those guys, do you guys got the fuck out of there? Did they come back in, those guys? I stayed for a while because I drove my own car.
Those guys dipped? Yeah, they right because i couldn't i there's no way i could afford to get in there right so i didn't want to leave because i don't get to go in there right you're in you're in i'm in right you can't leave right you know but then i was like how do i pay for the two drinks so i think that's why i left did you get a job there eventually the dishwasher, so I'm going to tell you this other thing that happened. All right, so one morning, so I lived right by the comedy store on a street called Girard.
Oh, I know it, yeah. Okay.
Yeah. And I lived in what they call the ghetto of La Jolla.
It's like a strip of houses, right, that are just kind of worn down. Yeah, but it's still not the ghetto it's pretty ghetto back then bob yeah yeah la jolla never had a ghetto did they call it the why do they call it the ghetto of la jolla who's they i think i did yeah yeah i think it's you right yeah so my i had this landlord named jeff He was like this bearded white man.
Yeah. And he'd always do, he would always garden in front of the house that we were renting.
Right. He was always there.
One day Jeff knocks on the door and he goes, Bobby. Yeah.
I go, yeah, this guy's here to see you. So I go, I look out and there's this man who kind of looks like Santa Claus But he's got a long beard Like ZZ Top Super tan Right And the guy goes What's up man I go I don't know you He goes Bobby Lee right I go yeah He goes I'm friend with Jay Schweikert Who? Jay Schweik, who was the manager of this coffee shop that I worked at.
Okay. Right? He's like, oh.
And he's like, I am a photographer for a surfing magazine, man. And I go, cool.
I don't surf. I know, but this is what he says.
He goes, check it out, man. I have a Porsche.
And I, back in your alleyway, I parked it next to, so my neighbor's name is Linda. He goes, I packed it in backup.
You know Linda? I go, yeah. So in my car, I had $10,000 in cash and a pound of weed.
What? Yes, in the trunk. Yeah, you're not a photographer.
You're a drug dealer. Right, and he goes, it got towed, a photographer you're a drug dealer right and he goes it got towed man and i go oh and he goes if you help me get my car out i'll give you like a grand and some weed i didn't smoke weed at the time i was it was i was an aa right but you could sell the so i go how much is the tow you guys.
I had, I just opened up a bank account. I had $200 in there to my name.
So I'm like, a grand. I mean, the math is good.
Yeah. So I go, all right, get in my truck.
So I go to the, I go to the ATM. I pull out my last $200.
I give him the guy, right? Bobby. He goes, all right, now go to the towing place.
It's downtown. So we drive on, you know what I mean, the 5.
All the way downtown. All the way downtown.
And we get off the freeway, and there's this apartment complex to the left. He's like, the towing place is there.
But my sister lives here. That's what he says.
Okay. So I go, your sister lives there? He goes, yeah, I just want to go say hi to her real quick.
Why don't we just get your car first? I didn't say that. With the $10,000 and the weed in it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I go, all right, like an idiot.
So he runs into this apartment complex. I can see him open this door and he go into the, right? I'm probably out there for two hours.
At least. I can feel it in my bones.
I see the sun setting.

And you're just like,

ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.

I'm out there for like two hours, right?

Yeah.

And now,

this is how dumb I am.

At the two hour mark

is when I start feeling fishy.

There's something wrong.

Well, they're probably catching up.

There's a problem.

They could be having some tea.

So I'm like,

and this is back then,

we had no cell phones back then.

Just no cell phones. There was no cell phones there was no cell phones back then there were no cell phones right you had to you had to call people on a pay phone or just hope they would show up to the place you agree right so i could get out of the car and i go into the apartment complex and i look in the back and the other doors open he took off yeah immediately he actually went right through yeah he's probably in mexico by now you know what i mean and then i

he's back at your apartment so i don't know what to do so i go back to the panicking

right which is where jay schweiker the coffee shop right so i go jay i told him a story right

he said your name and he goes bro that happened to me two weeks ago

shut up it happened to

Jay Schweiker

two weeks ago

he pulled the

Thank you. him a story right he said your name and he goes bro that happened to me two weeks ago shut up it happened to jay schweiker two weeks ago he pulled the same thing yeah and then he got caught like a year later he's just that was his thing that's a good game he would like open up people's mailboxes see memorize people's names figure people out how would he know that you and jay knew each other because i'm i worked at it with the most famous coffee shop that everyone hung out he saw you yeah yeah wow yeah man i want i want to know where that guy is yeah that guy's fucking great that guy's awesome have you ever been scammed uh yeah like my whole life what do you mean i'm getting scammed right now what do you mean living in california everything i do is oh come on a real scam like a real ripoff yeah mostly in drugs mostly drugs almost always when i bought drugs i got scammed yeah yeah one time we went to uh in high school we went to this guy's house who was like 24 but he looked like he was 86 you know and we went there and he was selling weed out of his garage and he was like yeah yeah this is uh i don't even know it was like 60 bucks for you know for an eighth or whatever and i was like that's so expensive he's like yeah man that's what it is you know weed yeah yeah he's like yeah man that's what it is this older dude and he had known this other guy paul that i had known that was also that was a senior when i was like a sophomore yeah and i was like oh this guy seems like i don't know it seems really pricey and a little sketch i don't know he's like dude what do you mean like fucking it's weed just buy it let's smoke it let's get over it we all pitch in our money so of course i get the bag and we're like all nervous i don't even look at it i don't you know i put i put it in my pocket we get in the car we drive back to this other guy's house john who we would get high like behind his house like all right man let's roll it up now open up the open the bag of weed and it's i mean it's literally just like oregano you know he did that whole thing with like hard pieces of like dirt and shit in there so we smoked that I've been ripped off for weed when I was in high school like I mean when I was like a freshman I got ripped off all the time because you don't you know at that time you don't.
Well, who am I going to do? Call the cops? Also, you probably don't have cell phones.

Do you have cell phones then?

No, not my freshman year.

No.

But who would I say?

Who was I going to tell?

You can't.

People your age, you're so lucky because you could just go to a store. Store.

Is that insane?

You don't have to meet a shady guy in his Chevy Nova.

Yeah.

And the seats stink like sweat and dogs. I had to go in the woods.
Yeah, in the woods yeah there was woods in poway yeah where you have to go into the woods yeah right and there was a guy there you know i mean and some usually he wasn't there so you just be in the woods most of the time you'd wait and just wait there for like five hours he's not he's gonna be here he's like i'm on my way yeah he's eating breakfast yeah yeah there's just have to, by chance. But you're never going to do drugs anyway, right?

Uh-oh.

Did you do drugs in Vegas?

No.

But then tell me, Root, because I want to hear.

What did you do in Vegas?

We did spearfishing.

Oh, I saw that online.

Yeah.

Did you hit anything?

I got one.

You did?

Did Kalilah get anything?

She got two on Saturday and then one on Sunday. Did you guys eat the fish? Yeah.
You did? No, you didn't. We did for the striper.
But the carp, what happened to them? No, because they don't taste good, so we just kill them and then toss it. You could have just put it back in the water.
Yeah, we did. But you killed it first.
Yeah. Why did you kill it? Because they're invasive.
Ah. Now you know how it feels when people like you come to our country.
That's exactly right. That's exactly right.
Do you know that feeling? It's invasive. They're invasive.
Okay. And what do you do? You take over.
What does the invasive species usually do in the water? Tell me. They destroy the habitat.
That's right, don't they? They do. That's right, don't they? What? I know.
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But what I'm asking is,

what did they do, though?

I mean, it's like,

you're a carp, right?

Here I am.

You are a carp?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

We're both carp.

Can I be carp, too?

You are?

Yeah.

So we're a carp, right? Hey. We were born In this lake? Yeah Or the river? Lake and river Both You were born in the river I was born in the lake I made my way down Well no the lake is a city So I feel like you were born In the lake And I'm more country Yeah you're country Like I'm from the suburb So yeah That's us by the way Right so that's us in.
You're our buddies. And we're just like, I hate what other fish call us.
They just say so many mean names. They call us like, we are wet.
Or soaking. I'm soaking You call me scaly bee.
Yeah. I've called you that.
Yeah, you do. You do.
That's actually fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's actually fine. But there's hunters out here.
I've heard that they don't even, sometimes they catch you when you have food and then they kill you and then they throw you back in front of your family. Right.
Yeah, that happened to Tony and his family. Tony.
Right? Tony. They shot him, right? Then they took photos with dead Tony.
Dead Tony. And then they showed him to us.
Right, showed him. And then they went, fuck, you know what I mean? Fuck the family, threw it back in, right? And then little Tony, he cried.
You couldn't see because he's in the water.

He's wet.

Yeah.

He's in the water, but he was crying.

But then we ate him.

We ate, yeah.

It was pretty good.

Tony was good.

So you ate the other fish.

Yeah.

By the way, what lake?

Lake Las Vegas?

Lake Mead?

Lake Mead.

Yeah, you went down to Lake Mead.

Are you scared when you spearfish because you're underwater all the way? Are you the water underwater underwater and you are you wearing a tank no you just have to catch your breath and go down are you wearing something to keep the water there was no water dirty um in the lake it wasn't and in the river it was murky so what do you do when it's murky you can't you can't shoot in the murky water um we just go to the side and then we just um wait you sit and wait yeah yeah they're like these girls they because cowinda and kalilah grew up in the philippines and they were on the national swimming team so they're they can hold their water underneath there for like three or four fucking minutes it's insane hold their breath for four minutes but they'll invite me out there right and it's a completely different human five seconds and i float you do yeah i just everything is the dead sea to you yeah yeah and i just float and i have the goggles on and i could see them way in the bottom but isn't that nice and i'll wave sometimes you have so much buoyancy you could never drown i can't drown you're you're kind of like if i took a balloon underwater it'd just go right back to the top. But we went to Mexico once and she's like, you know how, you know, you have, my girlfriend is like, when you go to like a vacation, she doesn't want to do like the hotel package.
What do you mean? The thing that, the thing that all the tourists do. Oh, right.
Right. She goes, no, I called the guy I found on the internet.
We're going to do the real thing. I do like that.
No. You don't like that't like that you want fancy shit goes she goes we're gonna swim in this um bayou in the mexico i love this so i go this is jesus that's a that that's what they call him our guy our guide was his name is jesus right they're all called jesus yeah right yeah right was a maybe it was jose jesus was Jesus, right? By the way, can I just say something? Yeah.
They have to have, there's got to be an agency in Mexico that gives them more names. We got to invent more Mexican names.
It's like, it's either, I'm not kidding you. I've met 3,000 Jose's.
At least. Yeah.
2,000 Jesus's.

Yep.

That's it.

There's also Alejandro.

Yeah, but that's rare.

And those are the richer ones.

Mauricio.

Yeah.

Fancy, are you laughing?

No.

But do you understand what I'm saying?

Fancy, are you laughing?

They have to have a book or something.

They do.

Oh, they do? The Bible. Oh, that's a very clever what you did.
It's very clever what you did. But no, because there's no Spanish names in the Bible.
Jesus is based. I know Jesus.
Okay, so he's named after me. Andrew is Andres.
Isn't that true? True. I was named after you.

So anyway, let's go back to the story.

I'm in the Bayou.

I want to go through

the Mexican names in the Bible.

We will in a second.

Who's Joseph then?

Jose.

Jose.

Josef?

Who's Mary?

Maria.

Maria.

Who's,

who is,

who's,

I don't know any of the Bible.

I don't either.

What's the,

well, there's Matthew, Luke, and John. No, who's the guy, who's the guy wait wait wait say it again Mateo, Lucas, and Juan wow that's it Matthew, Luke, and John who's the asshole in the Bible that like lost God took all the Judas that no Judas is the one that helped kill Judas let me finish what I'm gonna say please alright he's a guy in the Bible where God took everything away from him.
Job. Job.
Job. J-O-B-E-B.
Yeah. J-O-B.
What an idiot. Yeah, Job was – well, it's Job in Mexican.
Hob. Hob.
Yeah, I've never met a Hob. Fancy, will you name your kid Hob? No.
Please. There he is.
Look at him. Looking like an idiot.
like an idiot is that job yeah that's job and then what happens so i will not renounce my integrity so what happens is you know the story no so god kills takes his farm away everything kills his family right and he still what that's his thing right he stays devout yeah right and at the end God gives him more? Yeah, he gets like all the gifts. Isn't that it, Fancy?

Doesn't he get, isn't that that he like gets everything and everything he ever wanted? He gets a new wife, more kids, the new kids and stuff. But it's like, what about my old wife? Yeah, I want her back.
I want, yeah. Louisa.
You killed Louisa. Yeah.
I was in love with her. I don't need, maybe, what if it's really hot though? If she if she's a hotter new wife yeah but what if she's uglier what if god's like i'd be like i gave you a new wife and she's like i'm your new wife see there he is he's crying his wife is like i'm gonna she's holding her chest i'm gonna die soon yeah because god hates you right and then of course look at there's other renditions of him where he's like um if you look at the cartoon down there pete no no to the left down that one no three three and one two three look at he's got warts all over his body right yeah he gave him um what is that called uh what's that called is that herpes what is that called boils right boils yeah boils and that's his wife saying get out of here joe Job.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. With your boils.
Yeah. He couldn't even put on clothes.
So Job, so Job, look at her though. Look at his wife.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe the replacement wasn't better.
Maybe that's his prayer. Please kill her now.
She's so ugly. Look at her.
Oh my ugly kiss. She looks like Willem Dafoe.
What a shit wife. This is where Shameless came from.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is where the show started.
Nice titt titties though maybe the titties are good doubt it job's wife yeah but look at those titties though oh jobe's wife yeah that's the story of jobe now you've learned another bible thing yeah okay who's moses then moises moises moises is the guy that that does my lawn that's his name look look Moises Moises look Moises Let me see. Moises is the guy that does my lawn.
That's his name.

Look.

Look.

Moises.

Moises, look.

Let me see.

What does it say?

Read it out loud.

Not his last name, obviously.

But don't say his last name.

Moises Gardner, Artemio.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Artemio is the other guy.

Oh, really?

They're awesome.

They're the best.

Wow.

Moises and Artemio.

Is Artemio, who's that based on?

Can I just say something, though?

Yeah.

Why'd you put Moises Gardner? Because I have another moises in my phone no you don't yes i do are you sure moises aloo all right the baseball player oh really do you not know him no so you know all these athletes yeah i know athletes yeah does it feel ah it feels cool it to me it doesn't well because you don't care about sports but okay okay no that's not true you care about mma if it was a really cool mma fighter you would be into it if an mma michael biz being on my show a couple times i'm a big fan of no no come to see you live and go out and hang out with him different story yeah different than being on the pod pod stuff's whatever but like when you get to go out with them and then you interact as humans and friends Yeah fun fun dude and i was saying another thing oh yeah so i was with jose in the fucking bayou in mexico that's the fucking story i was telling in the fucking first place i know we get diverted on this show yeah yeah that's the best part so i go who's jose she's like she's professional this is like not you know i mean your typical you know i? It's not your typical Jose. No, he goes, it's not your typical tour.
He's taking us to a bayou that's like, no tourists have been here. Right, locals.
Locals only. Not even locals.
Locals can't even go. Yeah.
We get in the water. He kills you.
No, and we're going in the water, and Jose goes, stop. Stop.
I go, what? What's so funny? I know this. Yeah, and I go, what's the matter? He's like, alligator.
And I go, alligator? I go, what alligator? And he goes, slowly turn your head to the left. Right? And I go, I'm in the water now, right? I'm shitting and pissing too.
Yeah. And trembling.
And there's a rock right there. And there's a fucking alligator.
Right near you. Right there.
Right? So I had one of those like underwater like cameras. I go, I'm going to die.
I have to do a selfie. Sure.
So I do a selfie with the alligator. Might as well.
But that's the kind of shit. That Jose gets into.
No, but that's the kind of shit that Kalilah gets me into. She loves that shit.
She loves that shit. Say no thanks for me.
And we stayed there for like five hours just floating. Waiting for fish? No, for him to go.
Oh, the alligator. Yeah.
Stop. How do you say alligator in Spanish, Vance? crocodile you jackass you jackass look at what a what a jerk off fucking idiot crocodile what's going on you're gonna fight esther pavitsky yeah so jules and esther yeah because we said it on the show yeah right that you guys are but i think you're in the same weight class right how tall she's your height, right? How tall are you? 5'5".

You're 5'5", my ass.

You're 5'4".

No, you're not 5'5".

No, I'm 5'4", and she's taller than me.

Pete, get the measuring tape out, please.

It's in the drawer.

If she's 5'4", I'm 5'3".

No, don't get the measuring tape.

No, I want to see it.

Don't get the measuring tape.

Pete, get the goddamn measuring tape.

I'm 5'4".

And we're going to mark the wall just like we did when we were kids. You know when you mark the wall? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm 5'4". I think you shrunk.
I swear to God I did. Really? Get up against the wall and Pete, measure correctly.
Okay. Flat.
Stay flat against the wall. Don't cheat.
Wait. Don't cheat.
What do you say, Pete? 5'4". Push your hair down.
5'5". Push down five five push the hair down five five the hair is poof it's all right it's five five shit get up there bub i'm five four get up there fuck pete pete pete there's a lot riding on there yeah pete, do not.
Beanie off. No.
That's cheating. No, no.
I have a long, I'm a good man. No, take it off.
You have to. That's the only, it's the only way it's fair.
It's the only way it's fair. All right, get up against the wall.
Take off your flip flops, Bob. Flip flops off.

No, look at his feet.

He's cheating.

I'm not cheating.

Yes, you are.

Flat.

Flat.

Look at your heels are off the ground, Bob.

His heels are off the ground, Pete.

Pete, his heels are off the ground.

You cheated.

Your heels are off the ground.

Do it again.

Do it again.

Do it again.

You cheater.

They were off the ground.

Were they off the ground?

No, they weren't.

Yes, they were.

She said they were.

Weren't they off the ground?

Yes, they were.

Bob?

No, no, no.

Bob?

Clock in your 5'3".

Clock in your 5'3".

I'm not 5'3".

I'm not 5'3".

How fucking dare you?

Wait a minute.

I'm not 5'3".

She cannot tell a lie.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay?

Were his heels off the ground? They were. They were.
You're 5'3". No, I'm not 5'4".
They were off the ground. I watched.
Not this much, but this much. Do you want to prove yourself? Then go measure again.
Pete is waiting. All right.
Beanie off. Beanie off.
Heels on the ground. All right.
Pete. Pete.
Pete. Ah, look at the heels.
Look at his toes. They're curling.
Shoot his toes. Get it.
5'4", right? Pete. Ah, look at the heels.
Look at his toes are curling. Shoot his toes.
Did it. 5'4", right? 5'3", and 3 quarters.
5'3", and 3 quarters. So guess what? What? When you mark it down on the internet, it's 5'3".
5'4". You can't do quarters.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. 5'3".
I'm 5'4". Damn, dude, I can't believe you shrunk.
When I met you... I can't drink! When I met you...

I can't fucking drink!

When I met you...

Stop saying that!

I didn't shrink anything!

I'm a man!

You were 5'4 and a half when we met.

I'm fine!

When we first met, you were 5'4 and three quarters.

You shrunk an inch since we met.

No, I...

I'm getting older!

I know, 50 in September.

Yeah, yeah, I'm getting older.

Speaking of which, what are we doing for Bob's birthday when he turns 50 this year?

That's huge.

We have to do something big. Well, I want to have a dinner.
Yeah, but something important. Yeah, an important dinner.
But we have to do a thing. Like we have to rent out Nobu or some shit, fun like that.
No, I was going to get that dinner at my house. I'm going to go to a restaurant and rent it out.
Like, you know, I used to have these spaghetti factory parties. Love.
But they're not here anymore. And they used to want to be on Sunset.
And I used to, do you remember that one? Oh, that one i loved it yeah and i used to have these birthday parties that everyone would show up well what can we rent out that we can get everybody to go to see that's the thing it's like you know a lot of people don't they just they have to pay for the whole thing no we'll pay for it the show will pay for it bad friends will pay for it but it just before when i was younger i I did Spaghetti Factory because I know that half the comics, I would have some famous people, but most of the comics were broke. You'd feed them.
So it ended up being like a free meal. And people that didn't even like me would show up.
We'll make it to the only people we want there. Yeah.
Have you ever seen the way that Eric Andre does it? Have you ever been to his party, his birthday party? Back when he was, I don't know what happened between us, because back in the day when he was young, he used to have these parties. He has the best parties.
And I used to go to those parties, and they were so wild. Bro, look up Eric Andre's birthday party.
And then once Eric Andre became a name, he just, he cut me out. Why? Him and I are closer than ever.

He hasn't changed a little bit.

Well, look.

These are flyers he makes for his party.

Call him.

Yeah.

Those are flyers he makes for his party.

Look, he wore that.

That was his quinceanera.

Ask him if he has a problem with me.

I'm going to right now. All right.

But I have to tell him.

Do you know Eric Andre?

He looks familiar.

The biggest dick I've ever seen.

Yeah, by far.

The biggest dick I've ever seen.

It's actually shocking. But he has the best birthday.
But look, look look maybe there's some birthday photos but the birthday bash i'm gonna tell him you're next to me okay he has great birthday parties and they're and they're like the last time i went to one he paid a bunch of people to uh like a bunch of old guys, some old people from a nudist colony

to just walk around with their boobs

and their balls out.

Look, that's like the party there.

You can see it in the background a little bit.

You can't really tell, but he always has

forwarded to an automatic.

We're not that close.

We're not that close, I guess.

Let me see if I can call him.

I have his number, I think.

Call him.

Does he have an old number?

Eric.

No.

Go on.

Okay.

No, no, no.

Why would you hang that up?

It wasn't Eric.

What do you think we're doing here? Making a fucking comedy show. Game time with Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino.
So corny. So unprofessional.
Okay, so gang time. Did he say gang time? What is he saying? It's game time.
Game time. All right.
Okay, so we're working to build up your relationship. So after all the fights from previous episodes, we would like for each of you to compliment each other.
So you guys have to use the letters of each other's names to compliment the other person. So I'm okay.
I'll start then. Okay.
Okay. So Andrew.
Yeah. Athletic.
Thank you. New.
Don't say the N word. New.
New. Diverse.
Sure. I'm just thinking of any word.
So athletic, new, diverse. Athletic, new, diverse.
R.

Careful here on this one too.

You think I'm going to say... I would never say...

You can't say that word.

What?

White guys can't say that right now.

You can...

Say it again.

Watch this.

Watch.

Say it again one more time.

Stop Asian hate.

Okay.

You can get away with it right now.

Resilient. Ooh, I like that.
Yeah. And an E.
I know. Elusive.
Elusive. Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
Is that a compliment? It's a compliment. Elusive is kind of like a dodgy creature.
A survivor. A raccoon is elusive.
Survivor. yeah yeah all right so and w and w w is uh a winner and white would have went good white no winner winner i love you okay so let's go uh uh athletic new diverse yeah uh uh what.
Resilient, elusive winner.

Yeah.

Pretty good.

Bobby.

Yeah.

Ready?

Yeah.

Bold.

Easy.

Bold.

Orangutan.

No.

Bold.

Yeah.

If you say,

you can't say obese. Outrageous.
There we go.'s good bold outrageous beautiful yes bombastic very good and why yellow yellow and then rudy yeah okay you do rudy i'll do jewels okay that's it okay rudy rudy respectful correct that's good understanding uh determined wow yellowish yellowish yellowish and then jewels jewish because we likes them. Yeah, yeah.
She mentions it all the time on the show. Loves them.
Understanding. Yeah.
Lackadaisical. Yes.
Yeah. Lackadaisical.
E. Enigmatic.
Because you're very unique That sucks with the E? Enigmatic Enigmatic Enigmatic And S Sweet Okay now you do fancy okay and it's fancy b okay f for fun fun yeah a for artsy artsy artsy is good he is and for nice yeah he is very nice c for crazy crazy he's Yellowish He's yellowish Thank you for being Let me just mention that game Fucking sucked It was bad It a bad game. But sometimes you have to end the show with a little bit of a...
It's a fucking sucky... You guys have to do more.
Can I tell you something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You usually have slides.
You have little buttons that we press. Why don't we threaten their jobs? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you want to say... Listen, guys, come back.
You both come in here. They're on probation now? Yeah.
Guys. Fellas.
That game, it feels like you came up with that game driving here. Oh, fuck, we forgot a game.
We forgot the game. Right? What do we do? You know what I mean? You got to try harder because there's other people that want your spots.
A lot of people that want the spots, I think. Well, probation, I guess.
Because what? It was Pete's idea? Oh oh look at pete shaking it off pete shaking it off pete shaking it off yeah because you know when we take this show on the road you know i mean we gotta step it up because we're gonna do rope yeah we're doing this on the road you're only taking one of us no we'll take both well first of all we were gonna take you both and now i'm a little hesitant to take you both well are we gonna take this on the road yeah we have to it'll be packed we have to where do we go houston we gotta go everywhere we have to go all over the south we have to go everywhere yeah bring bring jewels on a tour bus yeah oh yeah and jules gonna be doing school work maybe or maybe she'll meet somebody i don't want to i'm not prepared for that i'm not prepared for that yeah is going to take us out. Do you think that if Jules gets married, we'll go to the wedding? You two say it.
Would you ask Andrew to be in your wedding? I don't want to get married. Why are you getting so angry? I don't know.
If you ever got married, what would I be in the wedding? Would I have a title? Like, would I be the flower boy? You can be. I want to be the flower boy.
I'd be the ring boy. You'd be the ring guy? I'll be ring boy and you'll be flower boy.
Oh my God, me and you walking down the aisle together? You'd be so funny. We'll wear little tutus.
Cute. We'll wear dresses.
If one day you ever do get married, please, you have to let us be the ring boy and the flower boy. Okay.
Okay. Promise? Yes.
Look in that camera and say, I promise. I promise.
Thank you for being bad. No, no, no.
These two have to say it because they're in trouble.

Yeah.

Look in the camera and say it.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Perfect.

Sorry.

Eric?

Eric Andre?

No.

No?

Where is Eric?

No, I'm confused. I'm confused.
Are you sure? ¿Eric Andre? No. ¿No? ¿Dónde está Eric? Ah, no, se confundió el número.

¿Estás seguro?

Segurísimo.

Pues es el número que Eric me dio.

Llama a otro contacto de él para que te dé.

Uy, pero ¿cómo lo llamo si no tengo su número? Este es el número que me dio.

Llama contacto de él, su familiar. ¿Conoces a Bobby Lee? But how do I call him if I don't have his number? This is the number he gave me.
Call him.

Contact him.

Call him.

Call him.

Do you know Bobby Lee?

No.

If you know him, you'll have more contact him.

If not, then bye.

Well, well, bye.

See you later.

What did he say?

He was getting pissed off.