An Alligator and a Robbery

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 3 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends.

Speaker 2 I want to break free.

Speaker 2 I want to break free.

Speaker 2 I want to break free from my life and I don't know what to do no more.

Speaker 2 I want to break free.

Speaker 2 Oh, God.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. How was it? You have fun? I went out to Texas.
It was good? I know. Oh, it was so fun.
It was so good. It was so fun.
Addison is great. Yeah.
Do they still have my photo up on the hallway?

Speaker 2 I took it down.

Speaker 2 Joe Coi is up there now. I actually asked.

Speaker 2 I said, is Bob in the hallway? And she goes, it's Joe Coi's up there now. No, Joe Coi was always there.
They had another photo of me out there. It's another one of Joe Coi.

Speaker 2 So they have two Joe Coys in the hallway. Oh, fuck.
Well, I had to get back there then.

Speaker 2 They said they miss you. It's been too long.
That's literally what they said. Did they really take my photo off? I don't know.
You're going to have to go back and see. Did they take my photo off?

Speaker 2 You're going to have to go and see. You're going to break my heart.
I didn't do it! Because I know that three weeks ago, some other comic was there, and they said that my photo was still up there.

Speaker 2 Something changed.

Speaker 2 Something changed because I did not, it was not up there. Jokoi had two up there.
And

Speaker 2 Ralphie Mae was up there.

Speaker 2 Oh. And he's.
Well, he takes up a whole wall. It's a whole wall.
Yeah, yeah. It's one side.
He takes up a whole wall. How long? So my photos of my kids have been.
Go ahead. We were missing you?

Speaker 2 Did you miss me? Yeah, we were missing you. I missed you guys.

Speaker 2 I sent you a video on stage. I FaceTimed you on stage, all the Addison crew.
By the way, the number one question I got asked on the road at the very end, because I said, no meet and greets.

Speaker 2 We can do a little QA.

Speaker 2 And the number one question,

Speaker 2 hands down, was, is Rudy leaving? I shit you not. Well, I have an update for you.
Yes. She said to me the other day, and it was a little confusing.
She goes,

Speaker 2 tito papi i go yeah he she goes um

Speaker 2 i don't think i think i'm gonna do um

Speaker 2 community college and i go really for two years and i go why

Speaker 4 because i want to stay on the bed prints did you really say that rude he asked me first where i was going and then i said i was thinking of going to community college

Speaker 2 Well, you know, at the end of the day, though, look what you get.

Speaker 2 All right. You don't.
Okay, so. 80,000 Instagram followers.
You get to sleep. Okay.
You get to sleep on the hill, which is so nice. So nice.

Speaker 2 You know, people of your stature and age and.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 I should have led with that. You know, people of your color?

Speaker 2 They don't get to sleep on the hill. Yeah.

Speaker 2 In the hills. You know who?

Speaker 2 I had to write a letter to Gavin Newsome. I wrote a letter to Gavin.
I go, Mr. Mayor, was it governor? It's either or.
Either or.

Speaker 2 Governor Newsie. Yeah.
I call Nusi. You do.
Because we're close. We're very close, right? Wow, Nusi.
And then Noosnus. Right? Noosnus.

Speaker 2 I said,

Speaker 2 listen, I have a half human, right? Quarter, maybe? Yeah, a quarter human. Quarter human.

Speaker 2 And half, a quarter other.

Speaker 2 I didn't know what to say.

Speaker 2 And then I said,

Speaker 2 She's from an island. She's going to be living.
Can she live? He goes, no, no. We don't have those in the hills.
I get that. And I go, please.
And I said, why don't I go up to Sacramento?

Speaker 2 Because Sorry was at the time. Oh, yeah, right.
I'll suck your dick.

Speaker 2 You offered that to Gov? Yeah, I'll suck your dick to get.

Speaker 2 You know what? I sucked his dick. You did?

Speaker 2 At his winery? I sucked Gavin Newson's dick. You went to his winery.
Yes. And you had a little Chablis.
Chibli. Well, I'm sober, so they got a de-alkalized.
Decoccalized one. De-coccalized?

Speaker 2 Decoccalized. Decoccalized.
Decoccalized one. You put a cock in it.
Right, but they took out the alcohol. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 They took the alcohol.

Speaker 2 And then you asked the DZs. I said, so she could live in the hills? Yeah.
And then I said, well, I also wanted coffee. So I'll give me some coffee.
You can put your cream in there.

Speaker 2 Right. So Gavin went

Speaker 2 into the coffee. I drank it after sucking his dick, right? And he goes, I will allow her to live in the hills.
So that's number one I did for you. That's so cool.

Speaker 2 Number two, you have your own bedroom.

Speaker 2 She doesn't have her own bathroom, though. She does.
What? Yeah. I don't even have my own bathroom.
You have your own bathroom, your own shower. You have your own shower? Yeah.

Speaker 2 How many people did you have to share a shower with when you were in the Philippines? 70? 70. 70 to 80, right? Jesus.
Right?

Speaker 2 So let me ask you this, too.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 How much did you pay rent? Zero. Yeah, exactly.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Zero. Zero, zero, zero.
Zero, zero. Yeah.
Well, okay, that aside.

Speaker 2 What about like electric bills or internet or television or all that? Zero. Zero.
Okay, that aside. What about like taxes? You know, like property taxes, which are very, very expensive.

Speaker 2 Very expensive. Zero.
Zero. Okay.
So what about like food or stocking the home with all sorts of miscellaneous stuff like toilet paper or paper towels?

Speaker 4 I sometimes buy

Speaker 2 McDonald's.

Speaker 2 She'll buy

Speaker 2 McDonald's. Vegetables! Yeah.
She'll buy McDonald's sometimes.

Speaker 2 You've button. 7-Eleven.
7-Eleven she'll get. No, a big baller or something.
Right, big baller. Wait, Sev, what do you get from 7-Eleven for the house?

Speaker 4 Chips.

Speaker 2 Chips for the house or chips for you? For me. Okay, so again, this doesn't add up to the total of what I've got.
I buy vegetables.

Speaker 2 What vegetables are you buying? Here's another thing that she does that drives me crazy. Broccoli.
I'll go like. How much is broccoli? Go ahead.
I'll go to her. I'll go,

Speaker 2 hey, I'm going to order dinner for myself. I'm going to go to Morton's, right? Yeah.
Do you want me to order you something? And she always goes, no, you could just do it on your own.

Speaker 2 I'm just going to eat, you know what I mean, whatever. You know what I mean? She doesn't take my.

Speaker 2 But she could be having

Speaker 2 meat and potatoes. You could have steak.
You could have filet mignon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You don't want it? No. Why? It's wasteful.

Speaker 4 Yeah, I just want eggs.

Speaker 2 That's all she eats.

Speaker 2 You just want eggs. That's all.

Speaker 2 She eats eggs and rice, and that's all she eats. All day.
What did you have for breakfast? Eggs. No? What'd you have just now? Three days old? No, breakfast, eggs.
The four-day-year-old pizza.

Speaker 4 And then for lunch, the pizza.

Speaker 2 From where?

Speaker 4 It was into Bobby's leftovers. Vito's.

Speaker 2 Oh, Vito's. You've been there? On Los Angeles? So good.
So good, right? It's so good. But wait a minute.
You said you're not eating pizza anymore. Didn't you talk about this? I did.
I did. I ate it.

Speaker 2 Did you break your rules? No, No, I never had a rule like that. You told me you're going to stop eating deep.
So, this is what I did. And then you stopped.
Bro, bro, this is what I did. What?

Speaker 2 So, Friday night, right, which is great because the girls went out to Vegas.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah. Where did you guys stay?

Speaker 1 Marriott.

Speaker 4 J.W.

Speaker 2 Marriott. Right.
You know what JW stands for? What? Jew.

Speaker 4 John Wicked.

Speaker 2 John Wicked. John Wick.
John Wick Marriott.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So the girls go out to Vegas all weekend. Party.
So guess what? What I did? Eight. This is my party.
I went to Vito's, got a large meatball pizza, mushrooms,

Speaker 2 and then I went to the comedy store. Oh, wait, that's right.
It was open. Yeah.
How was it? Hung out backstage, hung out with Tiana and a bunch of people at Renazizi. Did it feel weird? What?

Speaker 2 Did it feel weird? No. It felt totally not.
It felt good. Really? It felt so good.
And then Saturday night, they were out. So I went, you know what? I'll call little David Spadey up.

Speaker 2 So he goes, come to this, you know? know, he goes, come to this. When you take him out of his jack in the box, do you have to crank it or is he already?

Speaker 2 He's already out of the box.

Speaker 2 Because the box is in his house.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he lives in the box at home. Does he have an assistant?

Speaker 2 No, no, no.

Speaker 2 What happens is you go there, right? You know, it's shaped like a circus. It's shaped like a desperate lonely circle.
It's like a tent. It's like a single guy.
It's like a red, white tent.

Speaker 2 It's a tent. Right? And you go in, and then there's the bearded lady who he's had sex with.
That's his, what is that? What is that? His housemaid person? House person? Houseman?

Speaker 2 Yes, that's his houseperson. Houseperson.
and I go hello Harry

Speaker 2 hi yeah hi

Speaker 2 and I go is uh can I can I wind up the box can I get him out of the box and he goes go ahead it's a huge lever

Speaker 2 he comes out

Speaker 2 right and he goes um

Speaker 2 hey Batty hey Batty and then um that's how it works but then um did you go hang out at his house all night no no no he he goes I'm going I'm at a restaurant called something in Essex.

Speaker 2 Something in Essex. I don't know what it's called.
That's okay. And I go, um,

Speaker 2 who are you going with? He goes, Tim Dylan. Yeah.
So I go, oh, I was just calling, because you can't go, could I come? Right.

Speaker 2 You can, but I didn't. But you didn't want to feel that way.
I didn't want to feel that way. So I go, oh, I was going to, you know, see if I'm alone.
See what that's doing.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Yeah. He goes, oh.

Speaker 2 That's how he said in the text.

Speaker 2 Which means, come on. Come on.
He goes, here it is. So I go there, and I'm going to get in trouble for saying this, but

Speaker 2 it was like

Speaker 2 an MTV music video shoot. Why?

Speaker 2 It was one of those places where there's a rope.

Speaker 2 There's a gigantic black man

Speaker 2 wearing a suit. Yes.
He's got dreads. He's a bouncer.

Speaker 2 I don't call him that. What do you call him? A greeter.

Speaker 2 He's a greeter. Sorry, he's a bouncer.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 Shouldn't say they are. Yeah.
You go, what you want? Right. Right?

Speaker 2 Because I haven't been out in a while. Hey, man, I know you.
No, I was wearing the mask. Oh, and he couldn't see it.
I go, you think I'm scorpion, huh?

Speaker 2 Hey, he goes, no. He goes, get over here.
Yeah. Love you and hang over.

Speaker 2 All right. The way you popped out of that trunk, man.
Yeah. So then I, and it was like people going,

Speaker 2 hi, um,

Speaker 2 we've been out here for an an hour. It's like that.
Oh, yeah. It was crazy.
I don't like that. Right.
And then they're like, yo, little man, step to the side to me. I almost left.

Speaker 2 Wait, so you just got shuffled a lot? I got shuffled aside. And this other guy, another older, you know how older black,

Speaker 2 say it?

Speaker 2 Older black guys who have like little things in their ears. What does that even mean?

Speaker 2 They have little things in their ears. Earbuds? Something they're talking to somebody like CIA has.
Oh, you mean, yeah, like that, he works there. No, there was another guy.
He was just like talking.

Speaker 2 No, he was trying to get in. He goes, Yeah, you know who I am? Oh, Bluetooth headset.
Yeah, you know who I am. Right.
Right? Right. He's like, I don't know you, man.
Right. And it was that kind of.

Speaker 2 And then a bunch of women. And then some woman goes, Asian lady goes, Tommy.

Speaker 2 Do you? Yes.

Speaker 2 Because people say that all the time. Why Tommy?

Speaker 2 They think Tommy and Bobby are the same. It's not.
So then I have to go, no, it's Bobby. Oh, yeah.
Excuse Excuse me. Yeah.
Bobby. And she loved you.
Right.

Speaker 2 So I call Spade. I'm outside.

Speaker 2 He's like, just say my name.

Speaker 2 Right. So I go, David Spade.

Speaker 2 No contact. Yeah, no contact.
David Spade. And then oh, you're with David Spade? Yeah.
I go, yeah. They bring me right.
They dude, it was great.

Speaker 2 They push all these, the guy with the thing gets rushed to the side. All the girls with the little, you know, their coochies hanging out onto the side.

Speaker 2 the coochies hanging out but was it nice

Speaker 2 um i have to say the girls were on vacation so

Speaker 2 i have to say i did a couple of glancy glances

Speaker 2 and i saw

Speaker 2 and um

Speaker 2 i go

Speaker 2 and it's like uh

Speaker 2 90 like uh it looked just music video people who else famous was there no one else Really? Yeah. Are you covering up? No.
No one else. Because it feels like famous people.
No, no one else.

Speaker 2 I don't know anybody. Maybe there's a demographic of famous people there that I don't know.
Who do you think would be there? The My Pillow guy, maybe? No, no, no. There's no way.

Speaker 2 You don't think he would be? My Pillow Guy is more of a Boa kind of a guy. I'm a BOA.

Speaker 2 Trying to get laid. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that guy's insane. My Pillow is a Boa guy.
Well, I had a little famous experience in Texas because Pat Mahomes, who you don't know, came to see me.

Speaker 2 I love Pat Mahomes. Who is he? Basketball.
Yeah. What sport? What sport? Okay, basketball, what team? Mavericks.
He does play for the Dallas Mavericks. What position? I don't know.
Well, guess.

Speaker 2 Center forward. Center forward.
Pat Mahomes and center forward for the Dallas Mavericks. Came to see me do stand-up comedy.
Did I get right? He's a football player for the Kansas City Chiefs.

Speaker 2 I know you did. I was like, oh, my God, I'm good.
Yeah, that was. No, he's a quarterback for the Kansas Cieffs.

Speaker 2 He won the Super Bowl. He came to see me, and then we went out, and you maybe get this one.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is how dope it was. We go out, and then I'm like, oh, this is incredible.
Then he's like, we want to go out out. And I was like, we're already out.
Like, it's, we're already out.

Speaker 2 He's like, nah, we're going out out. Right.
They're younger than us. They're way young.
You forget, these are 25.

Speaker 2 Is he a fan of whiskey ginger?

Speaker 2 He met me through.

Speaker 2 I know Travis Kelsey, who's also a Kansas City chief.

Speaker 2 And we became friends. And he came and saw me when me and Rogan were in Kansas City four years ago.
And he was like, I got to see you when you come to Dallas because that's where he lives.

Speaker 2 So anyway, we go out out again. And then you'll love this.
Ezekiel Elliott was there. You know, he plays plays for the Detroit Lions.
Yes. And what position? Running back.
Yes, he does. Yes, he does.

Speaker 2 Yes, he does.

Speaker 2 Am I close? Actually, you're much closer this time. Which one? Ezekiel Elliott plays for the

Speaker 2 Dallas Mavericks. No.

Speaker 2 The sport was right the first time. I don't know.
Dallas Cowboys. Yes.
Yeah, yeah. And he's running line

Speaker 2 linebacker.

Speaker 2 No, you had it right. Running back.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah. Are you being real? Mm-hmm.
No, No, it is a deal. I swear to God.
Okay. Look it up.

Speaker 2 And he was there, and everyone was so cool and so rich. And you know how, like, and they threw money? Everyone was throwing money? Yeah.
I picked some up.

Speaker 2 What do you mean?

Speaker 2 You know, they're making it rain. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I picked up some.

Speaker 2 I do that at weddings. You think I'm not going to pick up the money? Yeah.
Why did you throw the money?

Speaker 2 When I'm at a wedding and they throw rice, I do the same thing.

Speaker 2 No, I do, because I'm like, you're wasting all this rice? Right? So I'll just add a little scooper and I scoop the rice up, right?

Speaker 2 And then I'll go to my hotel room or wherever, and I'll make the rice. You know what I mean? Bobby's so good.
So good. No, yeah, I did.
I scooped up the money like a chump. Yeah.
Because

Speaker 2 it's money. Dude, there were $20 bills on the ground.
Yeah, yeah. I don't think you did that.

Speaker 2 I swear, I swear. A scout's honor.
If I look, if it was singles, I'm not picking them up. Yeah.
There was a couple 20s and 10s in there.

Speaker 2 Let's give a little money up. What am I going to, you know? Yeah.
How am I going to tip the Uber guy? You know, it's funny when you're around because I'm always the guy

Speaker 2 to pay For, you mean, like, when the guy's like, like, at my level, with the people that I'm with, and my, my group, you're

Speaker 2 right there, right? I'm always the one to pay. But it's like, what I love about going out with, like, people that are above me

Speaker 2 is you don't have to pay. It's so nice.
Yeah, like when Spade always, like, he's already paid for before. He doesn't have a choice.
He should pay. Yeah, he should pay.
Because he's got the most.

Speaker 2 But then you have to say, like, I looked at him, right, and I go, hey, buddy, I just want to let you know next time. And I I said, I see this.
I see this every time I eat with them.

Speaker 2 I've said it probably 50 times. Next time.
Next time, it's on me, pal. He goes, don't worry about it.
I go, I'm telling you. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Because I don't want him to think that that's why I'm going out with him. But it is partially.
100%.

Speaker 2 100%. I like free meals.
Yeah, they took care of the bill. It was incredible.
The guy who was with me, Chris, he lost his phone in an Uber and he got it two days later.

Speaker 2 Could you be without your phone for two days? No. Two days.
I'd be dead. Two days.
And I would be dead.

Speaker 2 The guy, by the way, the guy, the guy that we had to get the Uber, the Uber driver that we had to get the phone back from, this text conversation is insane. So we get his number off the app.

Speaker 2 I call, we report a missing phone. The guy picks up.
That night, I remember he was very like,

Speaker 2 it was like he was like, had the pixies on. He was a huge afro.
And he was like, oh, you guys like this song, man? And we're like, yeah. And he goes, it's fucking groove, dude.
It's fucking groove.

Speaker 2 That's what the Uber garage driver was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He was cool as shit. He was high as a kite.
Yeah, yeah. So, so, of course, this guy.
You said it's groove? This is fucking groove, man.

Speaker 2 I've never heard that. Neither have I.
This guy was, he was an alien. Yeah, yeah.
So then, of course,

Speaker 2 my friend Chris O'Connor, who opens it for me, he was incredible. He left his phone in the car.

Speaker 2 Chris O'Connor did. Chris O'Connor dropped his phone in the Uber.
So then we call this guy, this groove, off the app, right? This dude answered the phone. He's like, what's up?

Speaker 2 And I was like, hey, man, we've been pinging the phone. You know how you can like ping, you can send him, it'll go

Speaker 2 to know what's lost? Yeah. I go, we've been pinging the phone.
He goes, I heard that. I go, we called it like six times.
He goes, I heard that too.

Speaker 2 I was like, you didn't want to pick it up? And he goes,

Speaker 2 yeah, man, I was going to get around to it. And I was like, okay, cool.
Where are you? So

Speaker 2 we can get the phone. And he goes, I'm at my house.
And then Chris is on his computer. You know, you can track my phone.
He's not at his house. He's driving around all over the place.

Speaker 2 I was like, can we meet you at a location? He goes, nah, let's do it tomorrow. I'm like, but you have my friend's phone.
He's like, I know. I'm busy, man.

Speaker 2 I was like, oh, okay. Okay.

Speaker 2 Can I just set up a schedule so we can get the phone from you? We'll give you money. That's why I said, I'll pay, we'll pay you money.
Yeah. He goes, cool, check it.
Tomorrow, call me.

Speaker 2 I wake up around three and I go, I'm used to that. Yeah.
And he goes, and you can meet me wherever I am.

Speaker 2 Fine. This fucking guy.
I want to meet this guy. Dude, I get up in the morning.

Speaker 2 We do a whole day. I don't text until 2 just to see if maybe he got up early to pee or 2 p.m.

Speaker 2 I text, no response. 3 o'clock rolls around.
He goes, yo, beautiful day outside. Took my bike out.
And I was like, do you have the phone with you?

Speaker 2 On a bike ride. I love this guy.
He's giving information. But very vague.
Very don't need. Yeah, but very, and very vague, too.
Took the bike out. Yeah, yeah.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 What is that? I said, do you take the phone with you? He goes, at the house. And he goes, check it.
Meet me at this address. When I secure barbecue, we'll exchange the phone.
When I secure barbecue.

Speaker 2 That means lunch for them? Yeah, when he gets barbecue, we can have the phone. Oh, wow.
Okay. So I'm working on barbecue right now.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 we take a car all the way out to.

Speaker 2 You're taking another Uber. Another Uber to an Uber guy's house.
Took a fucking Uber to an Uber guy's house. Yeah, yeah.
So we get to this fucking house. Yeah.
He comes outside.

Speaker 2 He hands Chris the phone. And then Chris didn't want to, he at first was like, I'm going to give him money.
But then he was like, this guy made it so fucking hard. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Should we even give him some money? Yeah. And Chris hands the guy the money and he takes the money because I think I was like 20 bucks or something like that.

Speaker 2 And he takes the money like it wasn't enough. He was like,

Speaker 2 what are you? Not

Speaker 2 do you want? It's not enough. We came to you.
It's 100 bucks.

Speaker 2 100 bucks. Well, who pays it? Me? Yeah.
You're the headliner that

Speaker 2 paid for my meal. But I paid for everything.
You're in the middle of the day. I pay for everything.
No, no, no. So

Speaker 2 my opener loses his phone and I have to pay for, I paid for the Uber to get us there. I took us out to the fucking nightclubs, to the food.
I pay for everything. Let me say something, okay? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Jade Catapreta opened for me in Florida somewhere.

Speaker 2 And so

Speaker 2 we're done with the weekend.

Speaker 2 This actually happened. And

Speaker 2 now I have a thing with my openers. I go,

Speaker 2 the car picks us up at 7 a.m. If you're not downstairs at 7 a.m.,

Speaker 2 I'm out because I don't like being late to a flight. Yeah, nobody, yeah.
And I always call a little early. I always say,

Speaker 2 if it's 7.30, I'll go, just come at 7. Sure.
So at 7 in the morning, I'm standing with all my shit. I'm in the, you know, I mean, right next to the car, and she's nowhere.
And I just call her.

Speaker 2 I was going to give her a farewell call. Was she out drinking the night before? Yeah.
Because that's almost always what happens. And she goes,

Speaker 2 crying. Yeah, no, I got that.
Yeah. Really? Well, the way you do that.
Is acting good?

Speaker 2 It was pretty good. Pretty good acting, right? I don't know what else that could have been.

Speaker 2 You something stuck in your brain.

Speaker 2 Maybe she's in pain.

Speaker 2 Hello.

Speaker 2 I slipped in the tub. I hit my fucking head.
Yeah, and I go, I got to go to the airport.

Speaker 2 And I go, Jay, what's the matter? She's like, I can't find my sunglasses.

Speaker 2 Swear to God. What? Yeah, swear to God.
Get in the fucking car. Get in the car.

Speaker 2 Right, I want to say that. What are you talking about? But I go,

Speaker 2 I'll get you new sunglasses. I'll buy you the nicest pair of sunglasses you've ever had.
No. She's sent to.
You know how, do you have sentimental value? Not to sunglasses. not to anything.

Speaker 2 No, I have to nothing. No.
Honestly, no. Yeah, yeah.
I have sentimental value when it comes to human beings. People.
Yeah. But if I lost a thing, it's a thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Maybe my car. No.

Speaker 2 All right, but I would be bummed.

Speaker 2 If I lost my car, we could have your car stolen right now. Yeah, yeah.
You would not care. Probably.
I would drive you home. Exactly.
Yeah, we'd get a new car. I'd get a new car.
Yeah.

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Speaker 2 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 2 I go, and she's like, no,

Speaker 2 my uncle Felipe, he got me the sunglasses three years ago. He right now has stomach cancer or whatever I want.
Oh my God, Felipe. Yeah, yeah.
And I go,

Speaker 2 Bye.

Speaker 2 I mean, what do you want from me? What can I do? So she comes down. She's crying.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 With her stuff. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Six bags. You were there for two days.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I go, how much were they? The glasses. It's my responsibility as a headliner.
Okay. She goes, $295.
And I got it to her. I gave her it to her.
Okay. I would do the same.

Speaker 2 I was going to buy Chris a new phone. I didn't give it to her.
You did?

Speaker 2 You son of a man. You didn't give it to her.

Speaker 2 Oh, here's another thing. I just thought of another one.
Another funny one was when Sophie

Speaker 2 Annoir, same thing. I go, love, 8 a.m., right?

Speaker 2 And I go, and I told him, I go, I swear to fucking God, I'll leave. He's like, dude, I got you, man.
I got you, right?

Speaker 2 I show up. I show up at the car, and I go, he's not here.
Make a courtesy call. He goes, I'm coming down right now, right? Well, he's going to strap the bombs on.
How does he,

Speaker 2 he comes down, and he's like, I'm ready, man. He's got, like, the shirt

Speaker 2 upside down. Inside out.
Inside out. His luggage, clothes is sticking out of the cracks.
That's hilarious. Right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 He, it's like an 80s movie. Yeah.
Like they're running to the basically what happened was I called him. He was asleep.
Yeah. He hadn't packed.
Right. He just threw shit on, right? Packed.

Speaker 2 He probably left half his shit up there. For sure.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you know what? I've done that. You have? With Rogan, I've done that before.
Yeah. Where it's like the hotel phone's like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, oh my God. And I just throw shit in the fucking bag.
Yeah, yeah. Because I always set my alarm, but you know what?

Speaker 2 The fucking iPhone sometimes, it'll just automatically set to PM instead of a.m. Yeah.
So it's set, it's like, oh, it's set for 7 p.m. Yeah.
So I'm woken up by, it's Mr.

Speaker 3 Santino. There's a car downstairs, Mr.

Speaker 2 Rogan. I'm like, oh, fuck.
Because I know Joe is like,

Speaker 2 like, so anxious to go. He's like, where is the fuck? Oh, he does that? He wants to.
I'd be so scared. It's pretty right on the nose with him.
Yeah, I'd be scared. And I'm so precise with my time.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So with him, with that, because we had gone out in like,

Speaker 2 I don't know, Cleveland or some shit, wherever the fuck we were. And we met up with Jessime Peluso.
Peluso. Love her.
Love. And we were going out, and we weren't, we didn't even stay out late.

Speaker 2 I just had a couple of drinks, and we just, we hung out. We weren't even like going out.
We just hung out at the club. And then, of course, I go back and set the alarm wrong.

Speaker 2 And he's, he does this thing in the car. Look at you're me.
You're me when I get in the car. Go ahead, open the door.
I'm you. Yeah, you're, and I'm Joe.

Speaker 2 All right, we're good to go. Oh, that hurt.
What you just did there? So the whole way to the airport, I was going like this. I would do this.
You know, you do this. You go, you go,

Speaker 2 those are fun shows.

Speaker 2 Why do you even say anything? Because I don't know what to do. I would shut down.
I would shut down.

Speaker 2 But then if you're too quiet, then he's like, what was going on last night? And then you have to go,

Speaker 2 when you went to the bed,

Speaker 2 you sound like an idiot either way.

Speaker 2 You're done. You're done.

Speaker 2 So, and then that also that same day, by the way, I got to drive, you don't care, but I got to drive a Ferrari, a McLaren, and a Porsche because Brady Matthews' brother-in-law owns a big fleet of beautiful cars.

Speaker 2 and he let us drive them around. And I felt like a little kid in a candy store, and it's just so it was so, I felt so cool for a moment in time driving around a Rari.

Speaker 2 You know, I'll never be able to afford it. It's a half a million dollars, the car that I was in.
I drove a Ferrari like four months ago. Where?

Speaker 2 In the opening scene of Magnum PI, the opening shot. Oh, he drives a Ferrari.
The opening shot is,

Speaker 2 they think it's Magnum driving the Ferrari. But it's Bobby Prime Minister.
But it's my character driving the Ferrari. How far did you get to go? I spent six hours.

Speaker 2 You were driving all over Hawaii. But were you driving it, driving? or are you going to drive? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 They had crane. You know, I have to follow a truck and a crane.
That's what I mean, right? What? Well, you can't. I was ripping around.
But I had rehearsals as well before. I mean, I did it.

Speaker 2 You did it. Okay.
Do you know what kind of Ferrari it was? A red one. Like in the show.
I don't fucking know, man. Well, but there's a specific model.

Speaker 2 29X360. It was a 29X360? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute, the 29X360i or the F? F.

Speaker 2 The fast one. Yeah, yeah, the good one.
29X360F. Look that up.
Please look up Ferrari 29X360F. But But can I tell you something?

Speaker 2 I want to see what it is. I was thinking about

Speaker 2 Joe Rogan. Yeah.
I was thinking about

Speaker 2 where it went wrong with him and I.

Speaker 2 You were thinking about what was the breaking point. By the way, is that the 29F360 right there? The girl.
That's what I wrote. What went wrong with you? That's what you wrote it.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I wrote the girl. Cool.

Speaker 2 So, and Joe could... Joe will bring this up.
He won't deny it. The story.

Speaker 2 So when I was a Dora man at the La Jolla comedy store, Joe Rogan was on. This is before news radio.
Before news radio, yeah. So, he was, he was a kid from Boston, but he was a headliner already.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but he was a man. He would do Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.
He was a man still then. A real man.
He was like a black belt and top one. He was never a kid.

Speaker 2 I think when he was born, he was like, Rogan. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 So he comes into town and he's like,

Speaker 2 I'm a doorman. And afterwards, he's like, he was with a Diaz too, Joey Diaz.

Speaker 2 And they go, and Joey and I knew each other. So Joey goes hey uh

Speaker 2 take him to a strip club yeah so I take him to um girls girls girls no um body shop deja vu in san diego oh oh this i'm sorry this is down south i was living in san diego right right right deja vu is great yeah so we go there by the airport right and i have no money right like i'm broke i i he paid for me to get in there what do you think is in your bank account at the time Zero.

Speaker 2 I don't have one. Genuinely.
I genuinely did not have one.

Speaker 2 What I would do is I would take my paycheck and I would cash it at a cash check like western union yeah yeah wow i was at that point in my life damn bob yeah

Speaker 2 and then i have to tell you this other where

Speaker 2 there's another story that happened but anyway because that sprung up another thing but um anyway i'm at a strip club and i'm just sitting there i can't tip so i'm just sitting there but i want to act cool because it's joe rogan's there right right so these gang members are sitting next to us always right and they go what the fuck you looking at to joe Rogan?

Speaker 2 Ah, just like, nothing, buddy. I'm just watching the show, whatever.
What do you think? I'm looking at there's naked girls here.

Speaker 2 Needed guesses. I guess, no, what he was looking at them.
Were they naked too? No, just four naked gangs. No, they had like wife beaters, tattoos on their neck.

Speaker 2 But the wife beaters, could you see their nipples a little bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah, maybe.

Speaker 2 And Joe goes, and they get in a spat, like they're yelling at each other. He kind of, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then, I don't know why I did this. Come on, Papa.

Speaker 2 So the guys go, hey, fuck you, Puto.

Speaker 2 We'll be back. To him? Yeah.
So they all leave to go to their cars. Shit.
Joe turns to us

Speaker 2 and he goes, let's get the fuck out of here. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I go, what do you guys, I said,

Speaker 2 you said, what are you guys? What are you guys

Speaker 2 playing? No, pussies.

Speaker 2 You said, what are you guys pussies? To Joey, Diaz, and Rogan in a strip club. Yeah.
Because four Mexican gang members went to their car. Yeah.
Okay. Yeah.
What do you think they were going to get?

Speaker 2 A blanket for you?

Speaker 2 Maybe it's like, you know, what they did to the American Indians back in the day.

Speaker 2 Give them polio or something.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't know. You said, what are you guys pussies? Yeah.
What did he say? He didn't talk to me for years after that. That makes sense.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, because you should have gotten it.

Speaker 2 Because I thought I was being tough. You're not.
I know, but I'm from there. What is that? I'm just saying, in my head at the time, I'm like, I'm from there.
You're from Powwe.

Speaker 2 I know, but I'm from San Diego. The Powwe is in San Diego.
I know, but Poway is not. I know it's a suburbs.
Yeah. Country Club, the whole thing.

Speaker 2 I don't know what went in my head. Did those guys, do you guys got the fuck out of there? Did they come back in, those guys? I stayed for a while because I drove my own car.

Speaker 2 Those guys dipped. Yeah, they dipped.
Wow. Right, because I couldn't,

Speaker 2 there's no way I could afford to get in there. Right.
So I didn't. I didn't want to leave because I don't get to go in there.
Right. You're in, you're in.
Right, I'm in. Right, you can't leave.
Right.

Speaker 2 You know, but then I was like, how do I pay for the two drinks? So I think that's why I left. Did you get a job there eventually?

Speaker 2 The dishwasher? Yeah, yeah. Oh, so I'm going to tell you this other thing that happened.
All right. So one morning, so I lived right by the comedy store on a street called Gerard.
Oh, I know it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I lived in what they call the ghetto of La Jolla. Which is like a strip of houses, right, that are just kind of worn down.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But it's still not the ghetto. It's pretty ghetto back then.
Bob. Yeah, yeah.
La La Jolla never had a ghetto. They call it the ghetto.
Why do they call it the ghetto of La Jolla? Who's they?

Speaker 2 I think I did. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think I did. It's you.
Right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So my landlord named Jeff. He was like this bearded white man.
Yeah. And he'd always do, he would always garden in front of the house that we were renting, right? He was always there.

Speaker 2 One day, Jeff knocks on the door and he goes, Bobby.

Speaker 2 I go, yeah, this guy's here to see you.

Speaker 2 So I go, I look out, and there's this man who kind of looks like Santa Claus, but he's got a long beard, like ZZ Top,

Speaker 2 super tan, right?

Speaker 2 And the guy goes, what's up, man?

Speaker 2 I go, I don't know you. He goes, Bobby Lee, right?

Speaker 2 I go, yeah.

Speaker 2 He goes, I'm friend with Jay Schweikert.

Speaker 2 Who? Jay Schweikert, who was the manager of this coffee shop that I worked at. Okay.
Right? So I go, oh, and he's like, I

Speaker 2 am a photographer for a surfing magazine, man.

Speaker 2 And I go, cool. I don't surf.
I know, but this is what he says. He goes, check it out, man.

Speaker 2 I have a Porsche.

Speaker 2 And I, back in your alleyway, I parked it next to, so my neighbor was name is Linda.

Speaker 2 He goes, I packed it and back up. You know, Linda? I go, yeah.

Speaker 2 So in my car, I had $10,000 in cash and a pound of weed. What? Yes, in the trunk.
Yeah, you're not a photographer. You're a drug dealer.
Right. And he goes, it got towed, man.

Speaker 2 And I go, oh. And he goes,

Speaker 2 if you help me get my car out, I'll give you like a grand and some weed. I didn't smoke weed at the time.

Speaker 2 I was an AA. Right.
But you could sell the weed. So I go, how much is the tow? He goes, $150.

Speaker 2 I just opened up a bank account. I had $200 in there to my name.
So I'm like, a grand.

Speaker 2 I mean, the math is good. Yeah, yeah.
So, all right, get in my truck. So I go to the

Speaker 2 ATM. I pull up my last 200 bucks.

Speaker 2 I give him the guy, right? Bobby. He goes, all right, now go to the towing place.
It's downtown. So we drive on, you know what I mean, the five.
All the way downtown. All the way downtown.

Speaker 2 And we get off this,

Speaker 2 off the freeway, and there's this apartment complex to the left. He's like, the towing place is there, but my sister lives here.

Speaker 2 That's what he says. Okay.
So I go, your sister lives there. He goes, yeah, I just want to go say hi to her real quick.
Why don't we just get your car first? I didn't say with the $10,000 in the weed.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I go, all right, like an idiot.
So he runs into this apartment complex. I can see him open this door and he go into the, right?

Speaker 2 I'm probably out there for two hours. At least.
I can feel it in my bones.

Speaker 2 I see the sun setting. And you're just like,

Speaker 2 I'm not throwing it on the weekend. I'm two hours, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And now, this is how dumb I am. At the two-hour mark is when I start feeling fishy.

Speaker 2 There's something wrong with them. Well, they're probably catching up.
Here's their problem. They could be having some tea.
So I'm like, and this is back then, we had no cell phones back then.

Speaker 2 There's no cell phones. There was no cell phones back then.
There were no cell phones.

Speaker 2 You had to call people on a pay phone or just

Speaker 2 hope they would show up to the place you agreed with. Right.
So I could get out of the car and I go into the apartment complex and I look in the back and the other doors open. He took off.

Speaker 2 Yeah, immediately. He actually went right through.
Yeah, he's probably in Mexico by now. You know what I mean? And then I.
He's back at your apartment. So I don't know what to do.

Speaker 2 So I go back to the Panikin, right? Which is where Jay Schweikert. The coffee shop.
Right. So I go, Jay,

Speaker 2 I told him a story, right? He said your name. And he goes, bro, that happened to me two weeks ago.

Speaker 2 Shut up. It happened to Jay Schweikert two weeks ago.
He pulled the same thing off. Yeah, and then he got caught like a year later.
He's just, that was his thing. That's a good game.

Speaker 2 He would like open up people's mailboxes,

Speaker 2 memorize people's names, figure people out. How would he know that you and Jay knew each other? Because I worked at the most famous coffee shop that everyone hung out at.
I saw you. Yeah, yeah.
Wow.

Speaker 2 Yeah, man.

Speaker 2 I want to know where that guy is. Yeah, that guy's fucking great.
That guy's awesome. Have you ever been scammed?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, my whole life.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? I'm getting scammed right now. What do you mean?

Speaker 2 Living in California, everything I do is a scam. Oh, come on.

Speaker 2 A real scam? Like a real rip-off? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Mostly in drugs. Mostly drugs.
Almost always when I bought drugs, I got scammed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 One time we went to, in high school, we went to this guy's house who was like 24, but he looked like he was 86, you know? And we went there and he was selling weed out of his garage.

Speaker 2 And he was like, yeah, yeah, this is.

Speaker 2 I don't even know. It was like 60 bucks for,

Speaker 2 you know, for an eighth or whatever. And I was like, that's so expensive.
He's like, yeah, man, that's what it is. Indeed.
Yeah. He's like, yeah, man, that's what it is.

Speaker 2 This older dude, and he had known this other guy, Paul, that I had known, that was also, that was a senior when I was like a sophomore. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I was like, oh, this guy seems like, I don't know, it seems really pricey and a little sketchy. I don't know.
He's like, dude, what do you mean? Like, fucking, it's weed. Just buy it.

Speaker 2 Let's smoke it. Let's get over it.
We all pitch in our money. So, of course, I get the bag and we're like all nervous.
I don't even look at it. I don't, you know, I put it in my pocket.

Speaker 2 We get in the car. We drive back to this other guy's house, John, who we would get high, like behind his house.
They're like, all right, man, let's roll it up. Open up the open the bag of weed.

Speaker 2 And it's, I mean, it's literally just like oregano shape. You know, he did that whole thing with like hard pieces of like dirt and shit in there.
So we smoke that.

Speaker 2 I've been ripped off for weed when I was in high school. Like, I mean, when I was like a freshman, I got ripped off for weed.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because you don't, you know, at that time, you don't know where to go. Well, who am I going to do? Call the cops? Also, we'd, you'd probably have cell phones.
Do you have cell phones then?

Speaker 2 No, not my freshman year. No, but who, who, what would I say? Who was I going to tell? You can't.

Speaker 2 People your age, you're so lucky because you could just go to a store. Isn't that insane? You don't have to just meet, you don't have to meet a shady guy in his Chevy Nova while

Speaker 2 and the seats stink like sweat and dogs. I had to go in the woods.
Yeah, there was those woods in Poway where you would have to go into the woods. That's right.
And there was a guy there.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? And usually he wasn't there. So you would just be in the woods.
Most of the time you'd wait.

Speaker 2 And you just wait there for like five hours. He's not going to be here.

Speaker 2 He's like, like i'm on my way yeah he's eating breakfast yeah yeah there's just you just have to it's by chance but you're never gonna do drugs anyway right

Speaker 2 uh oh did you do drugs in vegas

Speaker 2 but then tell me rude because i want to hear what did you do in vegas we did um spear fishing we did oh i saw that online yeah did you hit anything i got one you did did kalila get anything she got two on the on saturday and then one on sunday did you guys eat the fish yeah you did no you didn't We did for the striper.

Speaker 2 But the carp, what happened to them?

Speaker 4 No, because they don't taste good, so we just killed them and then tossed it.

Speaker 2 You could have just put it back in the water.

Speaker 4 Yeah, we did.

Speaker 2 But you killed it first. Yeah.
Why did you kill it?

Speaker 4 Because they're invasive.

Speaker 2 Ah.

Speaker 2 Now you know how it feels when people like you come to our country. That's exactly right.

Speaker 2 That's exactly right. Do you know that feeling? It's invasive.
They're invasive. Okay.
And what do you do? You take over?

Speaker 2 What do the invasive species usually do in the water? Tell me.

Speaker 4 They destroy the habitat.

Speaker 2 That's right, don't they? They do. That's right, don't they? But

Speaker 2 I know

Speaker 2 you do destroy.

Speaker 2 But what I'm asking is, what do they do, though? I mean, it's like you're a carp, right? Here I am.

Speaker 2 You are carp?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. We're both carp.
Can I be carp too? You are? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So we're carp, right? Hey, we were born in this lake. Yeah.
Or the river?

Speaker 4 Lake and river.

Speaker 2 Both.

Speaker 2 You were born in the river. I was born in the lake.
I made my way down. Well, no, the lake is a city.
So I feel like you were born in the lake and I'm more country. Yeah, you're country.

Speaker 2 Like, I'm from the suburbs. So, yeah.
That's us, by the way. Right, so that's us.
So,

Speaker 2 all right. So, we're both in, right? We, and you and our buddies, right? Yeah, and we're just like, so, um,

Speaker 2 you know, I hate, I hate people, I hate what other fish call us. They just say so many mean names.
They say say so many mean things.

Speaker 2 They call us like.

Speaker 2 We are wet. Or Soka.

Speaker 2 I'm Soca. Yeah, yeah.
So they call me a scaly bee. They call me a scaly bee.

Speaker 2 I've called you that. Yeah, you do.
You do. That's actually fun.
Yeah, yeah. That's actually fun.

Speaker 2 But, you know,

Speaker 2 there's hunters out here. I've heard that they don't even...
Sometimes they catch you, you know, when you have food, and then they...

Speaker 2 And then they kill you, and then they throw you back in front of your family.

Speaker 2 Right, right. Yeah, that happened to Tony and his family.
Tony. Right.
Tony. They shot him, right? Then they took photos with

Speaker 2 dead Tony. I didn't even know him.
Dead Tony. And then they showed him to us.
Right.

Speaker 2 And then they went, fuck, you know what I mean? Fuck the family. They threw it back in.
Right? And then little Tony, he cried. You couldn't see because he's in the water.
He's wet. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He was in the water, but he was crying. But then we ate him.
We ate. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But he was good.

Speaker 2 So you ate the other fish. Yeah.
And you, by the way, what lake? Lake Las Vegas?

Speaker 4 Lake Mead.

Speaker 2 Lake Mead. Yeah, you went down to Lake Mead.
Are you scared when you spearfish because you're underwater all the way? Are you in the water? Underwater? Underwater. And are you wearing a tank? No.

Speaker 2 You just have to catch your breath and go down. Are you wearing something to keep the water?

Speaker 2 Wasn't the water dirty?

Speaker 1 In the lake, it wasn't.

Speaker 4 And then in the river, it was murky.

Speaker 2 So what do you do when it's murky? You can't shoot in the murky water.

Speaker 4 We just go to the side and then we just

Speaker 4 wait.

Speaker 2 You sit and wait. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like these girls, because Kalinda and Kalila grew up in the Philippines and they were on the national swimming team.

Speaker 2 So they can hold their water underneath there for like three or four fucking minutes. Insane.
Hold their breath for four minutes? But they'll invite me out there, right?

Speaker 2 And it's a completely different human experience. For seconds.
And I float. You do.
Yeah, I just... Everything is the Dead Sea to you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I just float.

Speaker 2 And I have the goggles on, and I can see them way in the bottom.

Speaker 1 But isn't that nice to be able to? And I'll wave sometimes.

Speaker 2 You have so much buoyancy. You could never drown.
I can't drown.

Speaker 2 You're kind of like if I took a balloon underwater, it'd just go right back to the top. But we went to Mexico once, and she's like, you know, how college, you know, how, you know, you have a.

Speaker 2 My girlfriend is like, when you go to like a vacation, she doesn't want to do like the hotel package. What do you mean? The thing that, the thing that all the tourists do.
Oh, right. Right.

Speaker 2 She goes, no, I called the guy I found on the internet. We're going to do the real thing.
I do like that. No.
You don't like that? You want fancy social.

Speaker 2 She goes, we're going to swim in this bayou in the Mexico. I love this.
So I go, this is Jesus.

Speaker 2 That's what they call him.

Speaker 2 Our guide was, his name was Jesus. Right.
They're all called Jesus. Yeah, right.
Or Jose. It was Jose.
Jose. It's either Jesus.
It was Jose, right?

Speaker 2 By the way, can I just say something? Yeah. They have to have...
There's got to be an agency in Mexico that gives them more names. We got to invent more Mexican names.

Speaker 2 It's like it's either, I'm not kidding you. I've met 3,000 Jose.
At least. Yeah, 2,000 Jesus'.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 2 That's it.

Speaker 2 There's also Alejandro. Yeah, but that's rare.
And those are the richer ones. Mauricio? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Fancy, are you laughing? No. But do you understand what I'm saying? Fancy, are you laughing? They have to have a book or something.

Speaker 2 They do.

Speaker 2 Oh, they do? The Bible.

Speaker 2 that's a very clever.

Speaker 2 You did.

Speaker 2 Very clever.

Speaker 2 Well, but no, because the Spanish. What, how many Spanish? There's no Spanish names in the Bible.
Jesus is based people.

Speaker 2 I know Jesus. Okay, so and he's named after me.

Speaker 2 Andrew is Andres. Isn't that true? True, I was named after you.
So, anyway, let's go back to the store. I went to Bayou.
I want to go to the Mexican names in the Bible. We will in a second.

Speaker 2 Who's Joseph then?

Speaker 2 Jose. Jose.
Joseph.

Speaker 2 Who's Mary? Maria. Maria.

Speaker 2 Who's

Speaker 2 who is.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I need a Bible.
I don't need it.

Speaker 2 What's the one? Well, there's Matthew, Luke, and John. No, who's the guy? No, who's the guy? Matte Lucas Ijuan.
Wait, wait, wait. Say it again? Mateo Lucas Ijuan.

Speaker 5 Wow, that's it. Matthew, Luke John.

Speaker 2 Who's the asshole in the Bible that lost... God took all the.
Judas.

Speaker 2 No. Judas is the one that helped kill Jesus.
No, that sounds like, will you let me finish what I'm going to say? No, please. All right.
He's a guy in the Bible where God took everything away from him.

Speaker 2 Job. Job.
Job.

Speaker 2 J-O-E-B. Yeah.
J-O-B. What an idiot.
Yeah, Job was a more... Well, what's Job in Mexican? Hob.
Hobe. Hobe.
Yeah, I've never met a Hobe.

Speaker 2 Neither. Fancy, will you name your kid Hobe? No.
Please.

Speaker 2 There he is. Look at him.
Looking like an idiot. Is that Job? Yeah, that's Job.
And then what happens?

Speaker 2 I will not renounce my integrity. So what happens is, you know the story?

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 2 So God

Speaker 2 takes his farm away. Everything.
Kills his family. Right.
And he still, that's his thing, right? He stays devout. Yeah.
Right. And at the end, God gives him more.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he gets like all the gifts. Isn't that a fancy? Doesn't he get, isn't that that he like gets everything and everything he ever wants? A new wife, more kids, the new kids get that.

Speaker 2 But it's like, what about my old wife? Yeah, I want her back. I want, yeah, Louisa.
You killed Louisa. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was in love with her.

Speaker 2 I don't need, maybe it's, but what if he, it's, what if it's really hot, though? She's a hotter new wife? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what if she's uglier?

Speaker 2 What if God's like, I'd be like, I gave you a new wife. And she's like, I'm your new wife.

Speaker 2 See, there he is. He's crying.
And his wife is like, I'm going to, she's holding her chest. I'm going to die soon.

Speaker 7 Yeah. Because God hates you.

Speaker 2 Right. And then, of course, look at, there's other renditions of him where he's like, if you look at the cartoon down there, Pete, no, no, to the left, down, that one.

Speaker 2 No, three, three, and one, two, three. Look at he's has warts all over his body, right? Yeah.
He gave him,

Speaker 2 what is that called?

Speaker 2 What's that called? Is that herpes? What is that called? Boyles, right? Boyles. Yeah, boils.
And then that's his wife saying, get out of here, Job. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
With your boils.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 He couldn't even put on clothes. So, Joe, so Job.

Speaker 2 Look at her, though. Look at his wife.
Yeah, yeah. Maybe the replacement wasn't.
He gets his prayer. Please kill her now.

Speaker 2 She's so ugly. Look at her.
Oh, my God. She's like Willem Defoe.

Speaker 2 What a shit wife. This is where Shameless came from.
Yeah, yeah. This is where the show started.
Nice titties, though. Maybe the titties are good.
Doubt it. Job's wife? Yeah.

Speaker 2 But look at those titties, though. Who? Job's wife?

Speaker 2 Job's wife's titties.

Speaker 2 That's the story of Job. Now you've learned another Bible thing.

Speaker 2 Okay, who's Moses then? Moises. Moises.
Moises. Moises.
Moises is the guy that does my lawn.

Speaker 2 That's his name. Look.
Look. Moises.
Moises, look. Moises.

Speaker 2 What does it say? Read it out loud. Not his last name, obviously.
But don't say that. Moises, Gardner, Artemio.

Speaker 2 Right. Yeah, yeah.
Artemio is the other guy. Oh, really? They're awesome.
They're the best. Wow.
Moises and Artemio. What is Artemio? Who's that guy? Can I say something, though? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why'd you put Moises Gardner? Because I have another Moises in my phone. No, you don't.
Yes, I do. Are you sure? Moises Hallou.
All right. The baseball player.
Oh, really? Do you not know him? No.

Speaker 2 So you know all these athletes. Yeah, I know athletes.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Does it feel...

Speaker 2 It feels cool.

Speaker 2 To me, it doesn't. Well, because you don't care about sports.
But okay. Okay, no, that's not true.
You care about MMA. If it was a really cool MMA fighter, you would be into it.

Speaker 2 If an MMA fighter, I've had Michael Bisbing on my show a couple times. I'm a big fan of Michael.
No, no, no, no come to see you live and go out and hang out with him. Different story.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Different than being on the pod. Pod stuff's whatever.
But like when you get to go out with them and then you interact as humans and friends,

Speaker 2 fun.

Speaker 2 Fun, dude. And I was saying another thing.
Oh, yeah. So I was with Jose in the fucking bayou in Mexico.
That's the fucking story I was telling in the fucking first place.

Speaker 2 I know we get diverted on this show. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's the best part.

Speaker 2 So I go, who's Jose? She's like, he's professional. This is like not, you know what I mean, your typical, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 This is not your typical Jose. No, he goes, it's not your typical tour.
He's taking us to a bayou that's like, no tourists have been here. Right, locals.
Locals only. Not even locals.

Speaker 2 No, locals can't even go. Yeah.
We get in the water. He kills you.
No, and we're going in the water. And Jose goes,

Speaker 2 I go, what?

Speaker 2 What's so funny? I know this yeah and I go what's the matter he's like

Speaker 2 alligator

Speaker 2 and I go alligator I go what alligator and he goes slowly turn your head to the left

Speaker 2 right and I go like I'm in the water now right I'm shitting and pissing too yeah and trembling And there's a rock right there.

Speaker 2 And there's a fucking alligator right near you. Right there.
Oh Oh, my God. Right? So I had one of those like

Speaker 2 underwater cameras. I go, I'm going to die.
I have to do a selfie. Sure.
So I do a selfie with the alligator. Might as well.
But that's the kind of shit. That Jose gets into.

Speaker 2 No, but that's the kind of shit that Kalila gets me into. She loves that shit.
She loves that shit. See, no thanks for me.
And we stayed there for like five hours just floating.

Speaker 2 Waiting for fish? No, for him to go. Oh, the alligator.
Yeah. Stop.
How do you say alligator in Spanish, fans? Cocadrilo.

Speaker 2 That's crocodile, you jackass. You jackass.

Speaker 2 What a jerk off. You fucking idiot.
Crocodillo. What's going on? You're going to fight Esther Pavitsky? Yeah, so Jules and Esther Pavitsky.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because we said it on this show. Yeah, yeah.
Right? That you guys are. But I think that's the one.
You're in the same weight class,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 She's your height, right? How tall are you?

Speaker 4 5'5.

Speaker 2 You're 5'5 ⁇ , my ass. You're 5'4?

Speaker 2 No, you're not 5'5 ⁇ . No, I'm 5'4 ⁇ , and she's taller than me.
Pete, get the measuring tape out, please. It's in the drawer.

Speaker 2 If she's 5'4, I'm 5'3 ⁇ . No, don't get the measuring tape.
No, I want to see it.

Speaker 2 Don't get the measuring tape, Pete, get the goddamn measuring tape. 5'4.
And we're gonna mark the wall just like we did when we were kids. You know, when you marked the wall? Yeah,

Speaker 2 5'4. I think you shrunk.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, I did. Really? Get up against the wall and Pete, measure correctly.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Flat. Stay flat against the wall.
Don't cheat.

Speaker 2 Don't cheat. What do you say, Pete?

Speaker 2 5'4?

Speaker 2 Push your hair down. 5'5.
five. Push the hair down.

Speaker 2 Because the hair is poof.

Speaker 2 It's five five. Shit.
Get up there, Bub. I'm five four.
Get up there. Fuck!

Speaker 2 Pete.

Speaker 2 Pete.

Speaker 2 Pete. There's a lot riding on there.
Yeah, Pete, do not.

Speaker 2 Beanie off.

Speaker 2 No!

Speaker 2 That's cheating!

Speaker 2 No, no, no.

Speaker 2 I'm a long, I'm a long time. No, no, take it off.
You have to. That's the only, it's the only way it's fair.
It's the only way it's fair. All right, get up against the wall.

Speaker 2 Take off your flip-flops, Bob. Flip-flops off.
No, look at his feet.

Speaker 2 He's cheating. I'm not cheating.
Yes, you are. Flat.

Speaker 2 Look at your heels are off the ground, Bob. His heels are off the ground, Pete.

Speaker 2 Pete, his heels are off the ground.

Speaker 2 You cheater, your heels are off the ground. Do it again.
Do it again. Do it again.

Speaker 2 You cheater. They were off the ground.

Speaker 2 Were they off the ground? No, they weren't.

Speaker 2 Yes, they were. She said they were.

Speaker 2 Weren't they off the ground? Yes, they were. They weren't.
Bob? No, no, no. Bob, clock in your 5-3.
Clock in your 5-3. I'm not 5'3.
I'm not 5'3. I'll fucking hear you.
Wait a minute. I'm not 5'3.

Speaker 2 She cannot tell a lie. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. Were his heels off the ground? They were.
They were. You're 5'3.
No, I'm not 50. They were off the ground.
I watched. Not this much, but this much.

Speaker 2 Do you want to prove yourself that go measure again? Pete is waiting.

Speaker 2 Beanie off. Beanie off.

Speaker 2 Heels on the ground

Speaker 2 Pete Pete

Speaker 2 Pete

Speaker 2 look at the heels look at his toes are curling

Speaker 2 shoot it shoot his toes

Speaker 2 and three quarters five three and three quarters

Speaker 2 so guess what

Speaker 2 when you mark it down on the internet it's five three

Speaker 2 four you can't do quarters yeah yeah yeah five three i'm five four damn dude i can't believe you shrunk when i met you

Speaker 2 when i met you

Speaker 2 when i met you

Speaker 2 I get straight anyway.

Speaker 2 You were five, four and a half when we met.

Speaker 2 When we first met, you were five, four and three quarters. You've drunk an inch since we've met.

Speaker 2 I'm getting older. I know.
50 in September. Yeah, yeah, I'm getting older.
Speaking of which, what are we doing for Bob's birthday when he turns 50 this year? That's huge. We have to do something big.

Speaker 2 Well, I want to have a dinner. Yeah, but something important.
Get an important dinner.

Speaker 2 But we have to do a thing. Like we have to rent out Nobu or some shit, fun like that.
No, I was going to get that dinner at my house.

Speaker 2 I want to go to a restaurant and rent it out like you know you i used to have these spaghetti factory parties love

Speaker 2 so they used to be here anymore and there used to want to be on sunset and i used to do you remember that one i loved it yeah and i used to have these birthday parties and everyone would show up well what can we rent out that we can get everybody to go to see that's the thing it's like you know a lot of people don't they just

Speaker 2 i have to pay for the whole thing no we'll pay for it the show will pay for it bad friends will pay for it but it just like before when i was younger i i did spaghetti factory because you know i know know that half the comics, I would have some famous people, but most of the comics were broke.

Speaker 2 Do you feed them?

Speaker 2 So it ended up being like a free meal. And people that didn't even like me would show up.
See, we'll make it that's the only people we want there. Have you ever seen the way that Eric Andre does it?

Speaker 2 Have you ever been to his parties, his birthday party? Back when he was, I don't know what happened between us because back in the day when he was young, he used to have these parties.

Speaker 2 He has the best parties. And I used to go to those parties and they were so wild.
Bro, look up Eric Andrews.

Speaker 2 And then once Eric Andre became a name, he just

Speaker 2 cut me out. Why? Him and I are closer than ever.

Speaker 2 He hasn't changed a little bit. Well, look, these are flyers he makes for his party.
Call him. Yeah.
Those are flyers he makes for his party. Look, he wore that.
That was his quinceanera.

Speaker 2 Ask him if he has a problem with me. I'm going to right now.
But I have to tell him he's part of it. Do you know Eric Andre?

Speaker 4 He looks familiar.

Speaker 2 The biggest dick I've ever seen. Yeah, by far.
It's under. The biggest dick I've ever seen.
It's actually shocking. But he has the best birthday.
But look, look, maybe there's some birthday photos.

Speaker 2 But the other birthday, Bash,

Speaker 2 I'm going to tell him you're next to me. Okay.

Speaker 2 He has great birthday parties, and they're like, the last time I went to one,

Speaker 2 he paid a bunch of people to

Speaker 2 like a bunch of old guys to walk in a nudist, some old people from a nudist colony to just walk around with their with their boobs and their and their balls out. Look, that's like the party there.

Speaker 2 You can see it in the background a little bit, but you can't really tell, but he always has

Speaker 2 forwarded to an automatic. We're not that close.
We're not that close, I guess. No, sometimes.
Let me see if I can call him. I have his number, I think.

Speaker 2 Call him. Does he have an old number?

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 Eric.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Okay. No, no.

Speaker 2 Why would you hang that up? It wasn't Eric.

Speaker 2 What do you think we're doing here?

Speaker 2 Making a fucking comedy show!

Speaker 1 Game time with Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino.

Speaker 2 So corny. So unfortunately.
Okay, so gang time. Did you say gang time? What is he saying? It's game time.

Speaker 2 All right, okay, so

Speaker 8 we're working to build up your relationship. So after all the fights from previous episodes, we would like for each of you to compliment each other.

Speaker 8 So you guys have to use the letters of each other's names to compliment the other person.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'll start then. Okay.
Okay. So Andrew.
Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Athletic. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Don't say the N-word. New.
New. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Diverse. Sure.

Speaker 2 I'm just thinking of any word. So athletic, new, diverse.

Speaker 2 Athletic, new, diverse. And are.
Careful here on this one, too.

Speaker 2 I think I would say.

Speaker 2 I would never say.

Speaker 2 You can't say that word. What?

Speaker 2 White guys can't say that right now.

Speaker 2 You can say it again.

Speaker 2 Watch this. Watch.
Say it again one more time. Top Asian hate.
Okay. You can get away with it right now.

Speaker 2 Resilient. Ooh, I like that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And an E? I know.

Speaker 2 Elusive?

Speaker 2 Elusive? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Is that a compliment? It's a compliment. Elusive is kind of like a dodgy creature.
Like a raccoon. Survivor.
A raccoon is elusive. Survivor.
That's good. Okay, fine.
Yeah, yeah. All right, so

Speaker 2 O W? W is a winner.

Speaker 2 White would have been white.

Speaker 2 No, winner's a winner. I love it.
That's more positive. Okay, so let's go.

Speaker 2 Athletic, new, diverse. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What was that her? Resilient. Resilient.

Speaker 2 Elusive winner. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Pretty good. Bobby.
Yeah. Ready? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Bold.

Speaker 2 Easy.

Speaker 2 Bold.

Speaker 2 Orangutan. No.
Bold. Yeah.
If you say, you can't say obese. Outrageous.
There we go. Because that's good.
That's good. Bold, outrageous.

Speaker 2 Beautiful. Yes.

Speaker 2 Bombastic. Very good.

Speaker 2 And why?

Speaker 2 Yellow. Yellow.

Speaker 2 And then Rudy. Yeah.
Okay. You do Rudy.
I'll do Jules. Okay, that's yeah.
Okay, Rudy. Rudy.

Speaker 2 Respectful. Correct.
That's good. Understanding?

Speaker 2 Determined. Wow.

Speaker 2 Yellowish. Yellowish.
Yellowish. Yellowish.

Speaker 2 And then Jules.

Speaker 2 Jewish.

Speaker 2 Because we know how much she likes them. She mentions mentions it all the time on the show.
She loves them.

Speaker 2 Understanding. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Laxadaisical.

Speaker 2 Yes. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Laxadaisical.

Speaker 2 E.

Speaker 2 Enigmatic. Because you're very unique.
That sucks with the E? Enigmatic.

Speaker 2 Enigmatic. I've never said that word before.
It might not be.

Speaker 2 Enigmatic.

Speaker 2 And S.

Speaker 2 Sweet. Sweet.
Yeah. Sweet.

Speaker 2 Okay, now you do fancy.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 2 And it's fancy B. Okay.

Speaker 4 F for fun.

Speaker 2 Fun. Yeah.

Speaker 4 A for

Speaker 4 artsy. Artsy.

Speaker 2 Artsy is good. He is.

Speaker 4 N for nice. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He is very nice.

Speaker 4 C for

Speaker 2 crazy. Crazy.
He's kind of crazy. Crazy's good, yeah.

Speaker 4 Y4.

Speaker 2 Yellowish. Yellowish.
He's yellowish.

Speaker 2 He's yellowish.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being. Oh.
First of all, let me just mention that game. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Fucking suck.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was bad. Yeah, it's a bad game.
But sometimes you have to end the show with a little bit of. It's a fucking sucky game.
You guys have to do more. But can I tell you something?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, you usually have slides. Well, how about we?

Speaker 2 Why don't we threaten their jobs? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want to do you want to? Listen, guys, come back.
You both come in here. They're on probation now? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Guys,

Speaker 2 that game,

Speaker 2 it feels like you came up with that game driving here. Oh, fuck, we forgot a game.
We forgot the game. Right?

Speaker 2 What do we do? You know what I mean? You got to try harder because there's other people that want your spots. A lot of people that want the spots, I think.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 probation, I guess.

Speaker 2 Because what?

Speaker 2 It was Pete's idea. Oh, look look at Pete's shaking it off.
Pete's shaking it off. Pete's shaking it off.
Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Because, you know, when we take this show on the road, you know what I mean? You got to step it up. Because we're going to do rope.
Yeah, we're doing this on the road. You'll only take in one of us.

Speaker 2 No, we'll pick both. Well, first of all, we were going to take you both, and now I'm a little hesitant to take you both.

Speaker 2 Are we going to take this on the road? Yeah, we have to. It'll be packed.
We have to. Where do we go? Houston? We're going to go everywhere.
We have to go all over the south.

Speaker 2 We have to go everywhere. Yeah, bring Jules.
On a tour bus. Yeah, oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 And Jules is going to be doing schoolwork the whole time.

Speaker 2 Or maybe she'll meet somebody. I don't want to.
I'm not prepared for that. I'm not prepared for that yet.

Speaker 2 All right. Jules's going to take us to the moment.

Speaker 2 Do you think that actually gets married? We'll go to the wedding. You two say it.
Would you ask Andrew to be in your wedding? I don't want to get married. Why are you getting so angry? I don't know.

Speaker 2 If you ever got married, what would I be in the wedding? Would I have a title? Like, would I be the flower boy?

Speaker 2 You'd be the flower boy. I'd be the ring boy.
You'd be the ring guy? I'll be ringboy, and you'll be flower boy. Oh, my God.
Me and you walking down the aisle together so funny.

Speaker 2 We'll wear a little tutus. Cute.

Speaker 2 We'll wear dresses. If one day you ever do get married, please, you have to let us be the ring boy and the flower boy.
Okay. Okay.
Promise. Yes.
Look in that camera and say, I promise.

Speaker 4 I promise.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being bad. No, no, no.
These two have to say it because they're in trouble. Look in the camera and say it.
Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Perfect.

Speaker 2 Eric?

Speaker 2 Eric Andre?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 No? Don't you stay, Eric?

Speaker 9 No,

Speaker 2 no, no, it's good.

Speaker 9 Yama contacts your favorite.

Speaker 5 cono se cono se bobby li

Speaker 9 si cono sa eric que tú esti tendas más contacto de er, no entre se adios.

Speaker 2 Bueno cos nada, hasta luego.

Speaker 2 What did he say? I was just getting pissed off. He was getting mad at you.