Fat Face Five w/ Chris Distefano

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Speaker 2 What up, bad friends? We got new merch. Look at this, huh? The bottoms of Turtle Island available now for pre-order only for this week for bad friends.
Monday through Friday, then that's it.

Speaker 2 A limited run. This is also what the sweater looks like.
We got a sweater and

Speaker 2 the t-shirt here of the bottoms of Turtle Island. If you're a fan of the film, which I know so many of you are, pre-order it right now.

Speaker 2 Look down in the merch bar down below or just go to badfriendsmerch.com to pre-order this just for this week only, and then it's gone. Badfriendsmer.com.

Speaker 2 Go there, pre-order it one week, and then it's gone. Also, come see me live, AndrewSantino.com.
Come check me out. I'm on the road.
Bobo is not, but I am.

Speaker 2 I'm going to be in Atlantic City at the end of the month. Then I go to Houston.
Then I go to Madison and Boston and Nashville. We're going all over the place.
So go to AndrewSantino.com for them.

Speaker 2 Tickets, baby. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends. I want to introduce.

Speaker 2 You know what? Rudy, you introduce our fill-in for the day, our fill-in guest. Go ahead, Rude.

Speaker 2 This will be great.

Speaker 2 Welcome, everybody.

Speaker 2 This is Dennis Pepis. Dennis Peppas.
Dennis Pepis. Here he is.
Dennis Pepis. Hi, I'm Dennis Pepis.
Do you know who this is? I know his first name is Chris. Chris? Yes.
What's his last name?

Speaker 2 Begins with a D.

Speaker 2 Don't. That's gross.
Don't do that. Don't go there.

Speaker 2 Begins with a D.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 You're not Chris DeLeo. No.

Speaker 2 Yes. No.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 This is Chris.

Speaker 2 Steph.

Speaker 2 De Stephen.

Speaker 2 Hi, how are you? Hi, nice to see you. you.
Welcome to the Bad Friends House. Thank you.
I want to say, Rudy, I apologize the last time I was in here.

Speaker 2 You gave everybody COVID. I gave everybody COVID, and I farted a lot.
And I just want to say I apologize for that. Remember how repulsed you were? He sat between us and he ate cake.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, you brought cake. I brought cake from the bakery across the street, whatever it's called.
Oh, cutesy pootsy puddin' pie. Cutesie Pootsy in my ass, yeah.

Speaker 2 Cutesie Pootsy Puddin' Pie, and now he's here today.

Speaker 2 But today, we really want, more than anything, Rudy to take over the show because Tito Bobby is gone, and I want her to kind of drive the engine today.

Speaker 2 And Tito Bobby is gone, I've heard forever on the news,

Speaker 2 that there was a crisis, that he's out. Do you know what happened in Hungary? Did you hear? No.
He broke the quarantine rules,

Speaker 2 which I'm, you know, I'm not surprised. And he went out to go get a video game.
They told him not to leave the hotel. He got a video game.
And now he's in Hungary jail. Yes.

Speaker 2 And it's not good for him because if you know anything about history is the Mongolians Mongolians with Genghis Khan had really a lot. They really ravaged through Hungary.

Speaker 2 And anybody who looks mildly Mongolian, which Bobby I would say looks moderately Mongolian. Mild to medium.
Mild to median Mongol, MMM. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He is, there's a lot of retribution there, rightfully so, from what happened. So Bobby, I don't know if he'll make it out of the Hungarian jail alive.
Probably not. TBH.

Speaker 2 Do you want to send a message to Tito Bobby? Because we're going to try to send this to Hungary.

Speaker 2 Hungary.

Speaker 2 So why don't you send a message to Tito baby we can send this to him in hungary hi to bobby i hope you're okay i hope the video game was worth it yep i know you said that you were really lonely there

Speaker 2 and i hope that you're okay

Speaker 2 and i think kalila is still mad at you

Speaker 2 bye bye bye it does seem like uh she it does seem like she doesn't even know him the more i hear her talk about him on the show it's almost like it's a guy she's never met before and and what is it it's her uncle well it's kalila's Kalila's niece, you know, niece's boyfriend.

Speaker 2 What's the relationship? She got it. I'm sorry.
Kalila's niece. This is Kalila's niece.
That is Kalila's niece.

Speaker 2 Got it. Okay.

Speaker 2 And, you know, and Bobby is,

Speaker 2 I mean, I guess they're technically married.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they have common law. Do you know that? In California, if you live together for...

Speaker 2 Look up Common Law California. I think

Speaker 2 if you live in the same residence for seven years,

Speaker 2 you're common law married, which means if they split, like the house, they'd have to split it. Common law marriage.
Oh, there's not in California. They don't recognize common law.
So he's good.

Speaker 2 He can get out. He's good.
He could get out. Does not have a common law marriage.
Unmarried couples who have been together for an extended period of time do still have some rights.

Speaker 2 So she would have some rights. Some rights.

Speaker 2 If that ended, if it ended, Tito Babby and what is it? What's anti again? Apicalailo. I thought there was a word for anti.
Tita. Tita.
It's Pilipino. Yeah, it's Filipino.
No, no, because I work a lot.

Speaker 2 When I was a physical therapist, I worked a lot with Pilipino. You did?

Speaker 2 In New York, at least, many of the healthcare professionals are Filipinos. Are they? Most of them are, especially physical therapists.

Speaker 2 I would say when I was working for the New York City Board of Ed, there was me, there was an Indian woman, and then there was like six or seven Filipinos. Really? Yes.

Speaker 2 Can you name some of these people by the first name?

Speaker 2 There was Arwen.

Speaker 2 Catherine. Katrin.
Arwin Catherine. Yep.
Bobby.

Speaker 2 Bobby. Yeah, the one guy's name was was Bobby, but you would say a Bobby.

Speaker 2 There was Manny, of course. Manny?

Speaker 2 Sure, he wasn't that wasn't just a Puerto Rican kid who got it. No, was like, no, I'm Pila Pedo.
No, no, you know what? Now that I'm thinking back, I think it might have actually been Manny Pacquiao.

Speaker 2 So, and then we would go to, there was a

Speaker 2 fast food place, a Filipino fast food, Filipino fast food place called Jolly Something. Jolly B.
Jolly B. They love, they love Jolly B.
So they have them in Los Angeles.

Speaker 2 Okay, so we would go to the one, and there was one in Jersey City, and I remember for Arwen's birthday, that's what I got him. I got him

Speaker 2 a whole thing of Jolly B and a rooster, and that they liked it. That's what they like.
Yeah, a live rooster. Why do you like Jolly? Why do you like Jolly B?

Speaker 2 We've talked about it on this show, but I really can't figure it out. It just reminds you of the homeland.
Yeah. And the chicken is really good.
It's very good.

Speaker 2 It's not like Chick-fil-A chicken. Yeah.
You don't need a Chick-fil-A chicken's better, isn't it? I've never tried Chick-fil-A. Filipino people are the kindest,

Speaker 2 I personally think, the kindest type of Asian.

Speaker 2 You don't think so? Japanese. I don't know many Japanese in New York.
Japanese is more out here. That's out here.
But Filipino,

Speaker 2 I like,

Speaker 2 to me, Filipino people are the kindest Asian. Right.
At least in New York. If I've met a Japanese person

Speaker 2 from Japan,

Speaker 2 you would like them more. I would like them more.
She'll tell you. Filipinos can be mean.
really

Speaker 2 it depends but she can be mean hold up your hands rudy if you don't mind very small hands you have bigger hands for a filipino person but most of the filipino people i worked with had had very small hands that's why they were good at physical therapists physical therapy because they get their small fingers really inside the muscles and behind the bones and i remember miss catherine said to me once i said what's the key for you to being such a good physical therapist and she said small filipino hands is that what she said that's what she said yeah and i and she said you're really she said your hands too big rudy is a giant in the Philippines.

Speaker 2 Very giant. She's 5'7? 5'5 ⁇ .
5'5's. How old are you, Rudy? I'm 19.
46. 19 years old.
So 19 years old.

Speaker 2 So there are, it's getting to the point now where you will be expected to, in the Filipino family, to start to marry children coming up or not, or more, they're more new school.

Speaker 2 No, I don't want to have kids.

Speaker 2 She hates kids. So, okay, so, okay.
Yeah. She doesn't want children.
And we're supporting that. We support that.
Because we also don't want her to start dating guys. That's like a big no-no.

Speaker 2 She's going away to college. We're getting surprised.
I want to date guys. No, no.
You want to date guys? Rudy, I already, we went over this. No.

Speaker 2 No. It's just not going to happen.

Speaker 2 We're going to arrange a marriage for her. We talked about it.
Okay. When she's 30, and we're going to arrange it.
We're going to put it all together. Fancy's going to be the little ring boy.
Great.

Speaker 2 You know, Pete is obviously going to be the flower girl. Sure.

Speaker 2 Bobby is going to be best man. I'm going to be bridesmaid.
Yes. Because

Speaker 2 I want my day. Yes.
And we're going to arrange the marriage. She's going to be 30 years old, and the wedding is going to take place in Riverside, California.
Riverside, California. In an empire.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 We want in the IE because we want trucker hats and flatbeds and bros. That's beautiful.
And Sublime. The whole Sublime is the song that we're going to play.
All the Sublime songs. Great.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Santeria is the first dance. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'll also come to the wedding. By that time, I would be about 50.
I should be about three, four years in a wheelchair.

Speaker 2 I hope so. Yeah.
Do you really feel like you're getting old like that? Yeah. Yeah.
No, I just feel like, I just feel like, you know, I just feel like with me. It's catching up.

Speaker 2 It's not that it's catching up, but I just feel like I'm destined to have some type of cerebrospinal injury.

Speaker 2 I didn't know where you were going. That sucks.
Yeah, you do. You probably will get paralyzed.
Yes. At some point, some way.
At some point.

Speaker 2 No, Rudy, you can start dating, and we're just so nervous about it. Because I feel like you're like part of my family now, and I just don't like the idea of boys in college and parties.

Speaker 2 But you're not going to be out partying. You're going to be still living at home, right? Yeah, but I also want to party.

Speaker 2 Rudy, what's your drew

Speaker 2 school? Dream college?

Speaker 2 I don't have. Yeah, she doesn't.
Okay. DeVry or? Phoenix Online is what I can do.
Phoenix Online. Yeah, Ph.D.U.
I can be, I can go to any school. I want you to go to Phoenix.

Speaker 2 Did you hear what you just said? Pepperdine. I can go to any school.
Because do you have good grades?

Speaker 2 I guess.

Speaker 2 She's very smart.

Speaker 2 Ask her any school question. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 Any school question, she's very smart. Seriously.
What's the capital of the Philippines? There you go. It's Manila.
Manila, that's easy.

Speaker 2 Give her another one. Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay. Look at how good she is.
Go. Anything.
Any questions? Anything from school.

Speaker 2 Anything from school, and not even American history, just any school. Oh, American history.
She did have to study American history. How many planets are there? And can you name them?

Speaker 2 That's not American, but yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, we discovered space. Americans discovered outer space.
Do you know the acronym for all the planets? No.

Speaker 2 What is it? My very.

Speaker 2 I don't know what it is. I just know them.
You know what I'm talking about? Well, let's see. Mercury.
Mercury, Venus, my very...

Speaker 2 Something mother. Earth, my very earth.
My very astute mother. Well, astute's with an A.
Astute? Astute. A-S-T-U-T-E? Yes.
Astute. Astute.

Speaker 2 Look up the acronym of the planets. My very astute mother or something like my very.

Speaker 2 I don't know what it is. Have you never never heard of this? You guys didn't do this in school? No.
Plan an acronym. My very educated mother.
See, just served us noodles. Racist.

Speaker 2 That is extremely racist. Racist.
That is extremely racist. And I want to say on behalf of the white community, I apologize for an acronym like that.

Speaker 2 That is horrible that a white woman did that. You see what they did? Served us noodles.
Educated mother, meaning like, oh, she's book smart. She must be an Asian mom.
Noodle. That's how they did that.

Speaker 2 That's disgusting. That's repulsive, Wiki How.
Disgusting. There are many other end foods.
Yeah, go ahead. My very educated mother served us Nutella.
Nutella.

Speaker 2 That's why you're a 36-waste. Yeah, I love, oh, I love sugar.
It's a hazelnut tree.

Speaker 2 Rudy,

Speaker 2 let's do an acronym for you.

Speaker 2 Let's see what your acronym would be for Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune. Although, didn't we...
We went back and forth on Mars for a while, didn't we? No, not Mars.

Speaker 2 What do you mean, Mars? Like, if it's a planet or not? If it's inhabitable, if it's habitable, if it's inhabitable, but we, you know, Pluto, Pluto is around, we thrown off. Yeah.
Well, good.

Speaker 2 We don't know. So, what would it be? What was it when we were kids? It would be my very because now they're missing Pluto.
So it'd say, my very educated mother served us noodles, pussy.

Speaker 2 Maybe that's how you remember the Pluto. That's how they had no problem dropping it off the end.

Speaker 2 My very,

Speaker 2 my very

Speaker 2 erotic mother. Yes.

Speaker 2 Just served us. No, just nasty pussy.
Just sucked.

Speaker 2 How about my very erotic mother? Just

Speaker 2 sucked you.

Speaker 2 Just sucked us. Just sucked us.
Nice. Nice.

Speaker 2 That's the one. Okay, Rudy, so that's what it is.
My very erotic mother

Speaker 2 sucked us. Nice.

Speaker 2 How disgusting. So you go to Pepperdine and you tell them that.

Speaker 2 See what they say in Malibu.

Speaker 2 Oh, my buddy told me such a funny story because when you said Japanese man at the beginning of this, it reminded me, you know, because when you put man after something, it's racist now, you know?

Speaker 2 What do you mean? Well, you can't say like Chinaman is racist. No, you can't say that.
Right. That's racist.
Right.

Speaker 2 But my friend had a driver for, like, he had a driver who was taking him to this job. And he was in London.
And the British guy was like,

Speaker 2 you know, he's talking about America and talking about PC culture and whatever. Oh, hello, in America.
Yeah, in America. And my buddy's just sitting there nodding off, just like, yeah, whatever.

Speaker 2 And he goes, I mean, you can't even say Chinaman anymore. And my buddy's like, no, I don't think you can.

Speaker 2 And he goes, but why not?

Speaker 2 He goes,

Speaker 2 I don't think they like it. And he goes, yeah, but look, he's from China, isn't he? Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's Chinese. He's a man from China.
Chinaman. I'm from England.
I'm a man. I'm an Englishman.
And he goes, yeah, but I think it's that they don't like it. He goes,

Speaker 2 what if some Englishmen don't like to be called Englishmen? And he's like, I think you guys got to make a big thing about it, and then it'll get more attention.

Speaker 2 So let's make a big thing right now because I'm racially Englishman. I actually just found out recently through Ancestry.com that I am, I think, 8% English.
No.

Speaker 2 Offended by what you just, the accent you just did, offended. Sorry.
I appended it. Offended.
Well, I'm sorry. I take it all back.
Yes.

Speaker 2 And I should work on, I'm trying to work on my accents because I'm watching

Speaker 2 The Drive to Survive, the Formula One show. Oh, me too.

Speaker 2 Dude, I'm in season two. Let me tell you something.

Speaker 2 Do you know what F1 is? No. You've never heard of it before? It's race cars.
Look up, pull up F1, Pete, so she can see it. I didn't know a thing about it.

Speaker 2 I had been here for two months in LA. When I got to LA, I didn't know a thing about this.
Now I cannot. I would pay.
Do you want to go to the one in Miami though? Look how bad he is at Googling.

Speaker 2 What are you doing? These fucking like kites. I mean, Pete, Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 God, Pete. He brings up kites.

Speaker 2 Do you mean for F1 kite kiting competition in Long Beach every year? No, Pete. Yeah, F1 cars.
That's what they look like. Have you ever seen these before? And yes, I do want to go.
It's in Miami.

Speaker 2 Grand Prix is in Miami at the end of this year. Well, you know, there usually is one in Long Beach, and I've been to the one in Long Beach.
Like the one with all these big-time drivers.

Speaker 2 Yeah, F1 is in Long Beach. Yeah, they did one.
So let me understand something, though, real quick.

Speaker 2 Okay, because watching that documentary, and maybe if this is too esoteric inside stuff, if it is, I'll be quick.

Speaker 2 Like Mercedes and

Speaker 2 who's the other one who always wins? Well, Frari. For a long time, it it was just Mercedes and Ferrari.

Speaker 2 But McLaren is doing pretty well. But they are, but it feels like, at least in this Netflix thing, it's like it's impossible to beat Mercedes and Ferrari.
It's not fair.

Speaker 2 Like, sports is fair in the sense of, yes, some team can get better players, but literally, they are in better machines.

Speaker 2 It's almost like Mercedes and Ferrari are allowed to use steroids and nobody else can. Correct.
So

Speaker 2 for me, it's a little bit of a disconnect where I'm like, they're not all in fair machines. No, well, no.
Well, technically, I mean, all the standards have to be the same, right?

Speaker 2 So they all have to meet the same kind of standards. You can't go like, you couldn't have an engine that would have so much more power than the other engines.

Speaker 2 I mean, tweaks make them performance better, but like there's a, there's standards of what they have to meet. Yeah, it couldn't be like one guy driving a Honda CR-V versus a Ferrari Tester Rosa.

Speaker 2 You know, you can't like, there's a, there's a level that all these cars kind of have to meet.

Speaker 2 They have to fall in these qualifications, both for like design of the cars and both for the weight and the engine output and all that stuff. It has to meet specifications.

Speaker 2 Because Mercedes and Ferrari, it seems like they're always winning, though. Is that just because they're Lewis Hamilton and the other guys? Lewis Hamilton is.
He's just a superior driver.

Speaker 2 He's one of the greatest drivers of all time. Right.
I mean, I think some people would say he might be the greatest F1 driver. And I mean, what a handsome dad.
Gorgeous.

Speaker 2 Do you know who this gorgeous man is? Lewis Hamilton? Look him up.

Speaker 2 What if Lewis Hamilton would like to take Rudy out on a date? Would that be okay? Would you go on a date with someone like Lewis? I don't even know how old he is.

Speaker 2 I think he might be in his 30s, but he gets paid $30 million a year to drive a 30. 30 million a 30.
He's driving race cars.

Speaker 2 Is he cute to you?

Speaker 1 Yeah, but he's so old.

Speaker 2 He's old. And that's how we feel with her.
We're old. Yeah.
We're old. Yeah.
He's not old. He's like 30 years old.
But to her, she's like, he's old and gross. He's, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I mean, we're, so we're disgusting then to you. I'm 36 and Andrew's 37.
Actual, truly hideous.

Speaker 2 I don't need it for me because I already know, Rudy, but on a scale of one to 10, our guest today, as a guy, looks wise. What is he looks-wise?

Speaker 2 Like an old man, you go, oh, that old guy, he's like a what out of 10?

Speaker 2 Five. Yeah, I knew that was coming.
I could feel that. Yeah, that's what you are.
Even with the smile. Doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 The smile makes it less, maybe. Four and a half.
Okay, okay. Try this.

Speaker 2 How about now, Rude?

Speaker 2 Four. Four.
Yeah, it got worse. I could feel that.
What about when I'm sipping a drink?

Speaker 2 Three. Two.
Yeah, it's gone down. It's gone way down.
A two? Yeah. What about side profile? Oh, my God, it's even worse.
Zero. Zero.
Yeah, you just keep plummeting to the point. So I got some points.

Speaker 2 When you're dead on not smiling, not eating or drinking, you actually look okay. So who's a handsome comedian to you? Oh, my God.
Pete Davidson? No. No.
Okay. I like John Mulaney.

Speaker 2 She likes John Mulaney. Well, taken by another Asian.
No, he's divorced. No, he's with Olivia Munn.
It's all over the news. He came out, he's dating Olivia Munn.
This is like he left his wife.

Speaker 2 I'm not,

Speaker 2 I'm not up to date. Yeah, well, you know.
Wait a minute, this just happened. Didn't he just go to rehab and get a divorce? And now now he's with Olivia.

Speaker 2 It's kind of like it was

Speaker 2 like it was one of those things I was sitting with with Jasmine, uh, my girlfriend who's like eight months pregnant, and she said the same thing. She was like, Wasn't John Mulaney?

Speaker 2 She's like, I thought that he was in rehab, and like, he always talks about his wife.

Speaker 2 And I was like, Yeah, but you know, that you know, because she saw on the New York Post and she was like, and now he's, she was like, and now he's out with Olivia Munn.

Speaker 2 And I was like, Yeah, and she goes, Oh, hell no.

Speaker 2 She like said that, she said that for like, she was like, If I was John Mulaney, If I was John Mulaney's child. She was like, I would be in his face.

Speaker 2 Like, you ain't walking around with this half Asian bitch in front of me. You know, like, I mean, but I mean, let's just be, let me just be honest on the record.
I don't care what it says.

Speaker 2 I mean, Olivia Munn, she is, I mean, vixen beautiful. She is going to ruin his life.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You thought drug rehab was going back to rehab. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I mean, sign me up. I mean, I'd love to ruin my life with actually Olivia Mon or John Mulaney.
He's a hottie. I agree with Rudy.
I'm gonna go with Mulaney on this one over Olivia Monn.

Speaker 2 I'd take him over. Hold him down and break him.
Well, because you can control him. Yeah, I'd like to control him.
He's definitely not a type A.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like if he starts, you know, coming around, eh, slap him around. I said, John Mannan.
Well, what do you get? You want to hang out and have sex.

Speaker 2 I grab him by the throat and I say, John, you shut up and you kiss me softly on the lips right now. Fucking do it.
Fucking do it. And he's like, well, I guess I will.

Speaker 2 You like that?

Speaker 2 Go ahead. Put on my underwear.

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Speaker 2 I like John Malane.

Speaker 2 I think he's a very funny dude.

Speaker 2 The one thing I found very strange was he did like all these, that Netflix thing he did with all the kids yes I was like what is who is this for yeah it's weird it's just here's why I don't I like him I think he's very funny dude he's an undeniably talented guy yeah but also but also it's weird when you do a kids show when you don't have kids I'm always if you're a guy if you're a girl like Tiffany Haddish talking to dumb young kids funny funny yeah John Malaney doing a play kind of like a theater play with kids right who doesn't physically have kids I'm always like hmm right I don't I don't think, it's one of those things where I don't think that it's anything necessarily inappropriate.

Speaker 2 Like, I mean, I didn't think it's inappropriate.

Speaker 2 But I think that's what I was going to get to. I think that's just like there's a part of his brain that's a little like weird.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because if you have kids and you do a kids' show, it's totally, it's like, oh, he's, it's why, like, uh, Wooded Sandler was like, yeah, yeah, people talk shit.

Speaker 2 I started making kids' movies because I have kids now. Well, that's right.
I made movies for my kids.

Speaker 2 Well, that's, that's the thing is, if I was in Adam Sandler's position or even a John Mulaney's position, I had the ability, I would probably make a kid show only because the entertainment I'm watching 90% of my day is children's stuff with my kids.

Speaker 2 So it's like in my, it's not even for them, it's just that's where my mind is in that zone. So I'm thinking about, okay, children's books, children's stuff, like animation, because that's all I want.

Speaker 2 So maybe he was watching a lot of kids stuff. Maybe he's downtime.
He just loved kids' stuff.

Speaker 2 Well, he's because a lot of white guys who like are into anime and all that stuff, they also have an Asian fetish. And here we go.
Yeah. It's Olivia Mun.
Yeah, that's why is that a thing? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like white guys, really nerdy white guys love Asian stuff and really nerdy black guys. Nerdy black guys, Ron Funch has had a great joke.

Speaker 2 He said, every young, nerdy black kid wants to be Japanese. Right.
And I think that's the reason for that, you think?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 No. Why do young black kids want to be Japanese? Young kids in your episode.
Ron said young, black, nerdy kids.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go, I'm going to, I'm going to, I'm going to make a statement and say all young black men want to be Japanese. I feel it.
I mean, the Wu-Tang clan, what was that about?

Speaker 2 What was that about? Tiger Woods? What was that about? What was that about?

Speaker 2 So if Olivia Munn breaks up with Mulaney,

Speaker 2 you'd think you'd be interested in him. And you know, he's also old compared to what you're thinking about.
He's older than me. He's older than us.
He has a lot more money than us. What is he, 40?

Speaker 2 No, he's like 30. He's our age.
He's 36, 37. Oh, wow.
He started stand-up when he was 15, 16 years old. He's fucking killing it.
Killing it.

Speaker 2 Good for him, dude. Good for him.
I'm driving a Nissan Armada. It's a Nissan Marauder, isn't it? I thought it was a Nissan Your Mama.
Your mama? 38 years old.

Speaker 2 Oh, what's his birthday? August 26th? Yeah. Guess who else's birthday is August 26th? Christopher Paul, Anthony, DeStefano.
That's right. Moi.
You share a birthday.

Speaker 2 He's exactly two years older than me and exactly $100 million ahead of me. At least.
Yeah, he's a whole F1 sports team ahead of me.

Speaker 2 Who else is... Type in Famous People's Birthday.
I know one.

Speaker 2 August 26th. Macaulay Calkin.
Really? Macaulay Calkin, August 26th. Let's see if Famous August 26th birthday is, if mine even popped.
I don't even think I'm on the ⁇ I'm not even on the

Speaker 2 notable notable alumni from my high school no oh you're not I'm not okay look at this oh wait do you know some of these people Rudy um little little teka you know little teka up top no who's little teka you don't know little teka who's little teka he does that song which one it's me little teka i'm just hanging out you don't know that song oh yeah it's me little teka i'm just hanging out It's me, Lil Tekka.

Speaker 5 I'm just hanging out.

Speaker 2 Yes. And his friends in our background are just like, we with Little Tekka and we just hanging out.

Speaker 5 You don't know that song?

Speaker 2 Yes, I have heard that song. It was in Mulaney's kids' show.
Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 James Harden, also same birthday. That's dope.
Wow, that's open.

Speaker 2 Chris Pine. Chris Pine, handsome.
Handsome. Mother Teresa.
Whoa.

Speaker 2 Mother Teresa.

Speaker 2 That's a big one.

Speaker 2 King Sid, who didn't learn how to smile at a young age and just kept that. Yes.
Melissa McCarthy, she's dope. Wow.
Look at all the August 26ers. I cannot believe you didn't make it.
I didn't.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I didn't make it. Keep going down.
Let's see how many other people. Oh, wow.
And these are.

Speaker 2 Okay, this is just nobody at some point. Look at that guy.
Look at Colin TV. Zoom in on Colin TV.

Speaker 2 You got beat. No, no, no, no, bottom up.
You got beat up by Colin TV. His name's Colin TV.
That's his full name. That's his full name.
Yeah. Yeah.
And I lost. Colin TV.

Speaker 2 This guy's more famous than anyone. Let's check your birthday.
Let's see if you made the list. All right.
Famous, famous people on October 26th. Exact way you put it in.

Speaker 2 Just type it into that very site, Pete. Yeah.
That's what that site is. Yeah, pull up more kites.

Speaker 2 Pull up more kites.

Speaker 2 That's what Pete's just going to. October 16th, let's see who the famous, and then we have to do Rudy Roode.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I actually know some of these because John Mayer and I have texted. Bryce Harper.
Yes. You made it? No, I didn't make it.
I just like Bryce. Okay, wait, wait, wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Okay.

Speaker 2 Like, zoom into Jay Fred.

Speaker 2 That guy is more famous than me? Jay Fred? He might have a bunch of YouTube followers. Is that our business manager? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That guy looks like a guy that works for me. Jay Fred.
Jay Fred. All right.
zoom out. Let's see who else.
I know John Mayer because we've talked about it.

Speaker 2 Who else? I mean, there's a whole genome.

Speaker 2 And he is not 25. That's a lot.
He's a 30-day. Look at this.
38-year-old man. This guy's in his mid-60s.
Right, but when you're Russian, you can do whatever you want. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Look at the girl that's dead is more famous than I am. Oh my God.
She died young.

Speaker 2 She died last year. Rest in peace, Ashley Ross.
I didn't know anything about her, but sorry about that.

Speaker 2 Look, here's Terry TV. Terry TV, right? You had Colin TV.
Yeah, you got Terry TV.

Speaker 2 Manute Ball. Wait, Manut Bowl is not going to be.

Speaker 2 Zoom out. You got beat by Manute Ball.
Look.

Speaker 2 But I love Manute. And Flea, by the way.
Flea's pretty cool. Flea's cool.

Speaker 2 Manute Ball's dead, too? Oh, my God. Yeah, he died in 2010.
Jesus. For being too bad.
You didn't make it. You and I didn't make it.
What's your birthday, Rudy? Let's see if you made it. Let's see.

Speaker 2 God, if you're on this, I'm going to be fucking walking out of this studio. She does.
Dude, you know, every time I ask it, what's your birthday, Rudy, so he can search? November 9th. November 9th.

Speaker 2 So every time I'm doing shows, afterwards,

Speaker 2 if I'm toying around with the crowd and I'm check drop and I'm asking questions, I'm like, let's, you know, let's have a chat because you can't, sometimes you just can't do meet and greets. I get it.

Speaker 2 And every time the question is about her, is Rudy going to stay on the show? Yeah. We love Rudy so much.
Dude, she has 70,000 Instagram followers. That's more than most people in comedy that we know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, people would kill Taverant. I know when I wear this sweatshirt, people come up to me and be like, oh, Rudy, do you know Rudy? Because it says Rudy's nines on the back.
That sounds so annoying.

Speaker 2 I said, yes, she doesn't want to be with anyone and she wants no no children. She wants no children.
She hates people. Yeah, and she's going to pepper dine.
Uh-oh, French Montana is on your birthday.

Speaker 2 Huh? That's what he says. Huh? Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 And Jerry Purp drank. Ooh, oh, Jerry Purp drank.

Speaker 2 I like that he has a really white guy nerd name, and Purp drank as his last name. Look at this, Cringe Carter.

Speaker 2 That's what his frat called him. Oh, God, he looks like a dick.
He's like, hey, old self. Somebody fucking French Carter, dude, fucking SAA for live, Dougie.

Speaker 2 Scroll down. Who else is on there? Christian.
Ooh, Nicola Shea has the same birthday as you. You don't even know who that is.
You don't know who that is? You've never heard of 98 Degrees?

Speaker 2 She's 19, dude. That was like it.
That was when we were fucking 19. What about the Backstreet Boys Are in Sync? I've heard of those two.
But you don't care.

Speaker 2 Crazy. Like, who was.
Oh, you know, how about this? How about this? Me and Andrew did podcasts with somebody from Fifth Harmony. Does that excite you? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, she says even no. Fifth Harmony is either herself.
That's too old. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Third one in on the first first row. Cisco.
Baby, make your booty go.

Speaker 2 Do you know what the thong song is?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. All right.

Speaker 2 That's great. Go down.
Oh, Hedi Lamar. Oh, my God.
Do you know anything about Hetty Lamar? Heddy Lamar, yes, that's Snow White. She's a genius.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So Hedi Lamar created, she was a very famous actress,

Speaker 2 but at the same time, was the one that created

Speaker 2 a frequency hopping. Yes.
Literally, created frequency hopping that our fucking military ended up using, and she didn't get credit for it for years. Yes.

Speaker 2 This is very, doesn't mean anything to anybody, but she really, she was really smart, and she was a cool actress, but she was like, I'm not just pretty, I'm smart.

Speaker 2 She created this frequency hopping where radios could communicate with each other on different channels. Yes.
And she was fucking. She was a fan of the creation.

Speaker 2 She was the original inspiration for Snow White. That's right.
That's her, Hedie Lamar. She was a big actress.
Snow White.

Speaker 2 White. White?

Speaker 2 Snow is what? Snow White.

Speaker 2 Go down. Scroll down.
Sleek white. Hail white.
We got it all. We got all the precipitation.
Fancy. Are you circumcised? Is that a thing in Spain? Absolutely.
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 And you guys love calamari out there, right? Isn't calamari like a calamari sandwich, like a main dish? Yes. Yes, it? Yes.
Calamari is huge in Spain. I just watched my octopus teacher, man.

Speaker 2 I'm pissed off about it. And I told you about that.
I thought he was being sexually aggressive with that octopus. So what did you think? It made me get emotional.
It also creeped me out a little bit.

Speaker 2 Did you guys see that? I didn't like it. What did you think? Did we talk about this already? We did.

Speaker 2 It made me emotional. I didn't.
I know, I didn't like it. I just watched it again.
I just was made me like on the plane. I shouldn't have watched it on the plane.
You know what?

Speaker 2 I don't like watching on stuff on the plane because you can feel people looking at your screen. Yes.
I don't like that. I don't like that either.

Speaker 2 iPad needs to come out with like a thing that just attaches to my eyes so I can just stare at it. No one can see it.
One time on a flight, this is like 2019.

Speaker 2 I was on a flight and I was reading a book, and the name of the book is The Nazi Symbiosis, and it has a big swastika on the side. And I was reading it, and it's about how.

Speaker 2 And the whole time you're just going

Speaker 2 dying laugh no no no it's i've i think i've told this story once on did i i probably told this story once on another podcast but it just what you're saying this is a real thing i was sitting next to a woman i didn't realize you know i was always in the aisle seat so she was she could see the cover because i was like that and there was a part in this book the nazi symbiosis which is really about it's kind of like about nazi and like the eugenics and like how like the mind how their minds turned into doing what they did it's like a it's like follows that so one part but they would talk about like the the horrors of the holocaust and there's a part in the holocaust where they

Speaker 2 it's not funny oh you're laughing already no no no no no no they wanted to like hitler and and and

Speaker 2 himmer and well goebels is the propaganda minister himmler was like really like right him

Speaker 2 they were the ones that were like doing like the experiments and they had one experiment where they wanted to they were going to try to like invent something where like Nazis could fly, like some type of like flying power.

Speaker 2 So they would, they would take members, like Jewish members, you know, people in the Holocaust and in like this big slingshot, shut up, I swear to God, like throw them up into the air with like this potion.

Speaker 2 And they would all just like

Speaker 2 to see if they could fly with this thing. Because they would do all these experiments and they would fall.
What?

Speaker 2 Like I'm talking about like a hundred yards in the air and then they'd fall and obviously die.

Speaker 2 And when I was reading it, like it was so shocking to me that I was like, like almost like repulsed and like laughing and this woman at the end of the flight was like you know I just thought it was a little inappropriate that you were giggling in that book and I want to know what that was about and I explained I've told the story before and I explained to her that hey like the Nazis were putting injecting members of the Holocaust with like this magic potion and putting them in a slingshot and throwing them up into the air and see and they were falling on the floor so it's horrible but I thought it was funny and she was like you know someone in my family killed was killed in the holocaust and I don't think anything about that book was funny.

Speaker 2 And I was like, nothing about the Holocaust is funny. Like, zero about the Holocaust.
That's funny.

Speaker 2 I was like, but that, you know, like, that's why I was laughing at. Slingshotting people.
They were slingshotting people into the air and then just standing there and be like, this one didn't work.

Speaker 2 That was so insane. You know, and so.
Well, try it again. Yes.
Catch it now, Divine Energy. Reload!

Speaker 2 Like, think about the mindset of these fucking pieces of shit. It is crazy that it's so interesting to want to learn about that stuff in history.

Speaker 2 But the more you read it, the more you're like, I can't believe this is what people actually thought.

Speaker 2 Well, it's one of those things, too, where I love history and I'm fascinated with reading books or watching documentaries about the enemies of the United States.

Speaker 2 Because when you read about the United States, it's like it's always like, you know, hey, we're winners or we're going to put it to our citizens in a certain way.

Speaker 2 But when you read about other countries, you're like, oh, it's all. It's all the same everywhere you go.
It's all the same.

Speaker 2 It's just the people, a group gets power and they treat the other group like dogs.

Speaker 2 That's just what happens anywhere from any country you go to. But it's interesting, but it's an interesting thing to

Speaker 2 read those books. It is.

Speaker 2 But that's why I'm so afraid.

Speaker 2 I don't want to look at stuff on a plane that I'm like, there's stuff that I want to read or watch, but you just can't. The guy on the way in was watching Game of Thrones.
He was a really cool dude.

Speaker 2 We started chatting. He was a baseball scout for the Cincinnati Reds.
Oh, sweet. Yeah.
And he gave me a shot. Can you be on the team because you have red hair? He said, yes.
Wow. He said, yes.

Speaker 2 I asked. He said, yes.
I said, my buddy Chris is going to want to know when I get back to LA if I could be on the team.

Speaker 2 And he said, you got it, kiddo. He gave me his card.
So I think I'm pitching next week. Great.
I got to go to Natty. I want to come.
He said

Speaker 2 he was watching Game of Thrones and he had it tilted a little bit.

Speaker 2 And he was talking about the F1 show. And he was like, that's great.
He's like, I'm watching Game of Thrones, but I got to be careful on a plane.

Speaker 2 He goes, you know, there's a lot of nudity on the show. And I'm like, well, you're, you know, you're good.
You're good for me. And he was like, yeah, but, you know, I've had it where like a kid.

Speaker 2 is looking through the crack, you know, behind like just like a little, like a little pervert kid is watching the sex. scene and he goes i had to like put my elbow up through to block the seat

Speaker 2 otherwise you have to turn to the dad and be like hey dude he's getting some titty education right now yeah yeah but that show i i you do realize that when you i when i watch stuff and i'm like i can't right i don't want to because even though even though it's like it's not like a porn it's just like a rated r show or movie yeah but then you see someone you're conscious of it like a whenever a sex scene i'm always like okay

Speaker 2 but you know what though my feeling though like if my kid you know i've been on flights with my kids i kind of like, once we walk, I tell them all the time, like, once we walk out, like, there are rules in the house.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, no cursing. Obviously, there'll be no nudity.
But once you walk out into the real world, you're going to see stuff.

Speaker 2 I don't want to shield them from that because then they grow up and they act like idiots. So I would just, you know, if they turned around and was like, what's going on?

Speaker 2 I'd be like, well, you know, Cersei's getting, she's getting fucked up.

Speaker 2 Well, I guess, you know, I guess

Speaker 2 the nudity and sexuality of the United States is so different. Like, is nudity common in the Philippines? It's not a big deal, huh? Yeah, my siblings, my brothers watch, like, anything.

Speaker 2 And my mom doesn't care. Right.
Nobody says anything. But, Rudy, even on like the equivalent of like the CBS, like the local, you know, like the mainstream shows, they don't even block it out, right?

Speaker 2 The Filipino, like the United States, we block all that stuff out, or we say, oh, you know, you can't say shit. You have to say poo-poo.

Speaker 2 But then, you know, they'll show Rambo with like AK-47s and grenades. And you're like, yeah, well, obviously, you know.
We're okay with guns and deaths.

Speaker 2 Because we're a militarized country we love the idea like we got that's defense dude defense but sex is naughty no to sex is wrong did you see today jeremy corbel came out uh there's more ufo stuff where they're saying like now there's more sightings and and now the navy is starting to say spokespeople spokes uh people from the active navy not like retired like active navy today are saying uh we believe they're a threat as well so now it's like it's gonna happen before the end before i i've been saying this in almost every podcast i go on before the end of this year is over i guarantee you they say the aliens are real and i guarantee you they will say they're a threat and here's the thing baby they are not real that is other governments making aliens using their technology that they found those aliens are not real do not believe it when you see it they are not real who's making them what country we have reverse engineered technology from these alien civilizations that have landed here, crash landed, and we have tape, and they are all but peaceful with us.

Speaker 2 They don't really care about us, but in order for a threat, I don't know if it's the 1%.

Speaker 2 Of course, it always could be George Soros. I don't know.
But people now are going to, because the only way to unite us again is to have a war. We've already fought each other.

Speaker 2 There's only so many countries you can blow up. So now you have the Israel-Palestine thing happening.
What's going on? Go on. Go on.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 it's about Jesus. Was it in that book? Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, so, so you have that, that's happening, and that's going to reach a precipice very soon. And then the aliens are coming right before the new year is up, and we're going to be at war.

Speaker 2 Maybe not at war with them, but the governments of the world are going to say, we need to unite, forget about racism and sexism and transgender bathrooms.

Speaker 2 We have a real threat now, and it's aliens want to take us away.

Speaker 2 Every time there's been a pandemic, every time there's been a pandywandy, alien sightings have increased. tenfold.
The bubonic plague, people start talking about aliens.

Speaker 2 1918, people talking about aliens. So a lot of people think now aliens may have been the ones that dropped COVID-19, not the people from Wuhan.
It sounds alien-esque.

Speaker 2 Yes, but do not believe it when you see it, folks. Yes.
So aliens did it. COVID-19.
Was aliens. Was aliens potentially, and the aliens that we're going to fight before 2021 is over are not real.

Speaker 2 They are government psyops. What government? Our government? Chrissy Sippies? One world government.
Oh, it's the Illuminati. Yeah, it's the Illuminati.

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Speaker 2 Rudy, can we interest you in joining QAnon? Oh, you're QAdenon. We're in QTIN.
It's a new group. Can we interest you in that in QAnon? Do you know what QAnon is? No.
Maybe you should go.

Speaker 2 I would, that's something I think to write a nice college essay on. On Q.
Pro-QAnon.

Speaker 2 You're pro-Q.

Speaker 2 What is that? Just

Speaker 2 be pro-Q and write about it. Just say I'm pro-Q.

Speaker 2 You believe in aliens? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Kind of. Yeah, that's part of it.
Okay, that's just a UFO sighting spike dramatically during the coronavirus. Why is that? Well, because, and it go,

Speaker 2 I watched this, saw this on Ancient Aliens, where every time there's a pandemic. You sound like my dad.

Speaker 2 My father loves Ancient Aliens.

Speaker 2 I mean, fox news and ancient aliens that's all it is yeah yeah he's like tucker carlson and the ufos yes it's funny that the same guys that are just like uh hardcore republicans are also like pyramids were built by aliens dude

Speaker 2 yeah well because they say like the the the the sightings there were no triangles nobody nobody did triangles before the uh uh egyptians did them and the pyramids and they say that some of the alien ships that they're seeing now are perfect triangles.

Speaker 2 But don't you think that could have just been figured out by a guy at some point? No.

Speaker 2 You don't think some guy was just like, okay. And that shape made sense.

Speaker 2 Look at that.

Speaker 2 They are beautiful structures. Have you ever been there? No, I'm not going to fucking Egypt.
Yuck. Why? Yuck.
I'm just kidding.

Speaker 2 I'm joking. No.
You know what's funny is they say, like, literally. I do want to go back.
Like, half a mile now from these pyramids is a pizza hut. There's a pizza hut.
I think it's less than.

Speaker 2 I think there's one inside the third pyramid.

Speaker 2 Pizza hut, the pyramid. Oh, look at that.
Pizza Hut. You can see the pyramid.
By the way, I like that. Get a cheesy stuffed crust and fucking go ahead and see the pyramids.
Why the hell not?

Speaker 2 Who's going to say no to that, dude? I think that's a great idea. Yeah.
That's like, that reminds me of that show,

Speaker 2 Idiot Abroad, Carl Pilkington. Oh, and Gervais.
Gervais, that was my favorite bit that they did when they went to that old,

Speaker 2 those old cities, those ruins that were built into the wall, built into the mountainsides. And the palace was on one side.
Oh, wait, no, I think it's like in Iran, right? Is it in Iran? Oh, Perth,

Speaker 2 it's in the Middle East. And he goes, and they take him to the palace, and then they take him to the slums.
And he was like, well, Rob, we'll live in the slums.

Speaker 2 Oh, well, you wake up and look at the palace every morning. Why would you want to wake up in a palace? Look at the slums every fucking morning.
And I was like, it actually makes

Speaker 2 so much sense. Yeah.
It's like, that is why, like, I... I like not living fancy, rich in the Hollywood Hills.
Yeah. Because I get to look up at the mountains.
Yeah, it's beautiful.

Speaker 2 I don't want to look down at scum like me.

Speaker 2 Nah, I don't want to live fancy and look down.

Speaker 2 By the way, I did, you know, first class that I was flying in this morning, only because I didn't pay for it.

Speaker 2 It did that thing where you get on the plane in the middle and then you split left and right. Ooh.
You know that? Where left is first class and right is that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it was kind of fun because there was a woman who was causing a real annoying fit at the front desk, like complaining about like why she was in whatever group she was in.

Speaker 2 She's an older blonde lady, big hair, probably had two fucking bottles of Kim Crawford Chardonnay before at 8 a.m. And she was just like, she was just being like annoying.
She's just loud.

Speaker 2 It's 8.30 in the fucking morning. And she's like, and the desk person is just like, bitch,

Speaker 2 what do you want me to do? It's a computer. You have one.
What do you want?

Speaker 2 It's over. And she wants to be in a da-da-da-da, whatever, whatever.
Anyway, I get on the plane, and then I see her get on, and she's kind of looking fancy, like she has rich stuff on.

Speaker 2 You know, when somebody looks like they have rich stuff? I don't even know, but it looks like it's like Pete's, like Pete's, like Fancy's pants. Exactly.
He looks like he has rich stuff.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it turns out it's Tommy Hillfinger. Right.
And I'm on the plane and I get up to grab my charger. I've already been on the plane.
I get up to get my charger out of my bag.

Speaker 2 And I look, and this old annoying cow doesn't make it left with us. She goes down to the back of the plane.

Speaker 2 I liked it. That's what she gets.
Yes. For complaining and thinking she's important.
People think they're important all the time. No.
She's so fucking special.

Speaker 2 And then you're going to Hawaii. I'm going to Hawaii.
Come on, I want to lay you, man. I cannot wait.
I'm going to the big island. I've never been to the big island before.

Speaker 2 I've never been to Hawaii, period. Have you been to Hawaii, period? No.
Yes, it's incredible. Yeah.
Is it great? I've been a few times. How have you never been?

Speaker 2 Well, because I think people who live in California go there, but you gotta, for us, it's like a 12-hour thing. Right, it's only five for us.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so you could, you could, I'm sure there's people in L.A. who go to Hawaii for the weekend and come back.
I don't know about the weekend, but people do. Oh, yeah, rich people, I guess they do.

Speaker 2 In New York, we go to Atlantic City. Oh, you guys, did you go with Bobby? Yeah,

Speaker 2 also, we're going next week. Oh, you guys are going back? Well, but Bobby's not coming.
No, he's not.

Speaker 2 Where are you guys going? Kauai. Yeah, Kauai is great.
It's like very vegetative. I've been to Maui, Kauai.
I've never been to the Big Island, though. What's the Big Island? Hawaii.

Speaker 2 Is that like Honolulu? Where Honolulu is? No, Honolulu is Maui.

Speaker 2 The Big Island's called the Big Island. It's Hawaii, the Big Island.

Speaker 2 Oh, so, but wait, so you're saying like when you fly into a place, you're like, somebody's asked me says, I live on 1713 Pineapple Street, the Big Island. It's actually Coconut Road.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 See, look, that's the one I'm going to, the big one, down in the bottom. Hawaii.
There you go. So Kauai.
How far of a flight is from Hawaii to the last one? I think. I think it's only an hour.

Speaker 2 But so do you, when you get on a flight, when you fly, like when you were going from Los Angeles to Hawaii, to Big Island,

Speaker 2 do you always have to land on the Big Island and then you take little planes from there? Or you can go directly? You can fly right into Honolulu. Got it.
Honolulu is on Hawaii. Honolulu is on Oahu.

Speaker 2 Sorry, yeah, that's right. And Maui is

Speaker 2 Waialea or whatever. Lanai is the one I want to go to.
Got it. That's where they have all the pygmy wolves that you can run out and catch.
You can do hunt and go seek.

Speaker 2 But do you, like, when you go to Hawaii, do you have to just usually pick one island or can you go in one trip go to a big island?

Speaker 2 A lot of people will fly into the big island and then you can, I think you can take boats and cruises and trips to around. There's cruises that go to all of them, you know?

Speaker 2 But which one is looks more like is in Honolulu, looks like just a city, right? Like, you're not really in Hawaii when you go to Honolulu. Honolulu kind of feels like shitty Beverly Hills.
Got it.

Speaker 2 It's kind of has like a lot of fighters, like Tommy Hill finger stores and Kate Spade. It has a lot of like typical commercial shit.
Um, uh,

Speaker 2 uh, Maui does too. I mean, I think, I think Kauai has the least amount of the shit.
Right. And the Big Island is the most populous, so it has everything you've ever known.

Speaker 2 Have you ever done stand-up there at that blue pearl room or something like that? No, but you know, that's literally why I'm going tomorrow to do stand-up.

Speaker 2 No, I know to do stand-up, but not at that place. Oh, I've never performed in Hawaii, whether it's for a private event like I'm doing or for public.

Speaker 2 I do know people that do that, that have gone tomorrow. Is it just you tomorrow, too? Just a one-man show? Yeah, it's a little awkward.
No, but who cares? You just go in there and you fucking.

Speaker 2 There's going to be it. There's like 15 people.
There's going to be it. They hand me the mic and I'm going to go, hey, hey.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey.
And three guys are just going to be like, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But we'll have fun. We'll have fun.
And then you go and you'll hang out there for a few days. You might have to do.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but hang out for a few days. And

Speaker 2 I'm going to go swim with sharks, which I'm excited about, and hopefully get my wife out there. And then the boat

Speaker 2 takes off. Great.
Help. And I'm like, where'd you go?

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. You come back.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And then you and I can do what we always wanted to do.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yeah, no, I think

Speaker 2 that's gonna be fun. I'd just fuck it back.

Speaker 2 Jasmine would fucking make it back. I know she'd make it back.
She'd been eight months pregnant. She'd swim back.
She'd swim back on the back of a shark.

Speaker 2 She'd come out of the water, Mal be like, you motherfucker. She'd be Rosie Mal Rezzit.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I swam all the way back. Yeah, she'd swim back to New York.
What should I do when I'm in Hawaii, Rudy, this time? Tell me what you guys are going to do. We're going to go hiking.
Boo, I do that here.

Speaker 2 Diving. Oh, I like diving.

Speaker 2 And that's it. And that's it.
And who's going? You and Kalila? And

Speaker 2 her sister. Her sister, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's so

Speaker 2 fun. So fun.
And you guys get an Airbnb? You stay in a hotel? I think Airbnb. Airbnb is the way to go, right? Are you staying in a hotel? Esmelle, or an Airbnb? I'm taining in a hotel.
Nice one.

Speaker 2 But I'm tainting in a nice one. Yeah.
One of the nicest ones.

Speaker 2 One of the ones where,

Speaker 2 you know.

Speaker 2 Yeah. One of the ones where you stay at it and you're like, this is a very nice hotel.
Yeah, one of the ones where they're like, whites only.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you walk in, they go, sir, you are perfect. Because I am very, very white.

Speaker 2 If you got a little tanny whanny, they're like, excuse me, sir. Sorry.
And you turn, you're like, my name is Bryce. And they're like, come on.
Come on. You're fine.
We just didn't know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm staying at a fancy pantsy hotel. I was in a Ritz Carlton

Speaker 2 two years ago. It must have been 2019.
It was me, Jazz, and the two kids. And I walked to the Ritz-Carlton.

Speaker 2 I walked in a little bit ahead, and I was holding the bags and the guy, you know, Belle person came over and then Jazz came and the little and the and you know, she was holding both the kids hands and some bags.

Speaker 2 And the guy said to me, Is that your nanny? No, in front of her. He goes, he goes, he goes, he goes, okay, dad.
He goes, dad, kids, you know, like, you know, he's like, you guys want to drink?

Speaker 2 He goes, and Mrs. Nanny, what would you like? And she was like, excuse me.

Speaker 2 And because he just genuinely thought,

Speaker 2 and he was like, and then I would make the same mistake. She was like, Mrs.
Nanny? She was like, I'm married to him. I was like, Now you're getting crazy.

Speaker 2 We're dating. It's Ms.
Nanny to you. To you, bitch.
I was like, We're together. She kind of is the nanny.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I take that back.
I take it back, Jazz. I take it back.
I take it back. I don't want

Speaker 2 to meet. No, she, I mean, she is.

Speaker 2 Well, no, her transgender uncle, T.T. Jerry, is technically our nanny and our cleaning lady.
Is he a godmother or godmother to your kids? He will be.

Speaker 2 Actually, Jazz and I discussed that today because we're having a second baby due July 4th. And she

Speaker 2 America. And we talked about T.T.
Jerry being the godmother and father. But T.T.

Speaker 2 is still a man. He hasn't transitioned yet.

Speaker 2 He has a Pischka deal, but he's on estrogen hormone therapy. So he's getting boobies.
So he has boobies already.

Speaker 2 And he said he never wants to cut it off because

Speaker 2 he likes having a penis. He likes feeling the ass of a man.
But wait a minute.

Speaker 2 At what point then when he's going through the transition,

Speaker 2 he become female. He doesn't want to become fully, he doesn't, he doesn't want to cut off his peeps.
But does he, then he, does he want to be called he or she?

Speaker 2 He said, whatever, like, for example, when he came and did my podcast, Chrissy Chaos, Tuesdays, 11 a.m. Eastern time.
Please listen to it. It's incredible.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 He, um, he, and also, hey, babe, Thursdays, 11 a.m. Easter time.

Speaker 2 And patreon.com. Slash Christie Comedy.
We're going to cut all this out. Go ahead.
Thank you. He, uh, Magic Spoon.
He, um,

Speaker 2 he, he, uh, when he came in to do my podcast, he was wearing one of my sweatshirts from the Denver Comedy Works. And then when he left, he was wearing one of Jasmine's leather jackets.

Speaker 2 So he wears, he in one day told us, if he feels like a man, he comes and acts like a man. If he feels like a woman, he comes out and acts like a woman.
If you go to his Instagram, at T-O-Jerry, right?

Speaker 2 That's T.T. Jerry.
Are you doing comedy spots tonight or no? Fuck no. No.
I got to get on a plane first thing in the morning. Rudy, do you think I look skinnier this time?

Speaker 2 You look the same. You do look the same.

Speaker 2 You don't think you lost weight. Did you think you lost weight? From the last time?

Speaker 2 How much you weigh? In September. How much do you weigh? Right now, maybe 225, but when I saw you, it was 240.
No, you weren't. Yes.
Were you really? So why doesn't anybody care about that?

Speaker 2 Well, that sweater makes you look bulky.

Speaker 2 I know. What about your face? You're skinnier underneath.

Speaker 2 Your face looks the same. I don't think his face, did his face skin.
It's the same. It's the same.
Would you say you have a fatter face or a face that doesn't look fat?

Speaker 2 In the middle? In the middle.

Speaker 2 You have a middle face. What about Andrew's face? Thinner.
Yes!

Speaker 2 What about homeless face? What about Pimp's face? In the middle. In the middle.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 How about Fancy? What about his face?

Speaker 2 He's a little fat in the face. Yeah.
Yeah. A little fat in the face.
Okay. I love leading him.
What about Bobby's face? Jesus Christ. Excellent.
So he's fat, so I don't have a fat face. No.

Speaker 2 But in between. Andrew's face is skinny.
Well, it's thinning out because I didn't eat lunch.

Speaker 2 You know what I've noticed about, one thing I have noticed about since I've been getting a little older is literally my body, I mean, it feels like pants will fit Friday and they won't fit Sunday if I eat bad Saturday.

Speaker 2 No, no, no.

Speaker 2 But when I was in my 20s, like it didn't matter. It would take a month to get fat.
Now it genuinely is in 24 hours, your whole life changes.

Speaker 2 Well, dude, yesterday I ate the worst meals I could have eaten and then and then Rogan wanted to go out after we did the show, and so he got a tomahawk steak at midnight. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 And you have to eat that with a dude. If it weren't for the HGH, he'd be dead.
Dead. How could you eat a tomahawk steak at midnight? It's insane.
Right. He was like, what are you having? A salad?

Speaker 2 I was like, yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. It's midnight.
It's midnight. Yeah.
These guys are eating 48 ounces of fucking meat. I was like, how can you do that?

Speaker 2 And he just gets up and he's more ripped the next morning. Honestly, yeah, more jacked.
And then there was a couple of UFC fighters that were there too. And those guys are just, they're so daunting.

Speaker 2 Dude, this one dude talked about, I'm not going to mention his name, but he talked about like, like after he got knocked out and he didn't do like, like, they try to do concussion protocol and they didn't really say like, you know, whether or not he had one.

Speaker 2 They didn't know. And then five days later, he just passes out.
Jeez. And then just like walking around.
Just passed out. And he was joking about it.
He was like, yeah, smack my head and everything.

Speaker 2 And I was like,

Speaker 2 are you okay? And he was like, yeah, it was okay. Yeah.
Because I fell face first on concrete. Yeah.
And he talked about it like it was like you and me saying, I guess, stubbed my toe.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. He doesn't.
Yeah, I hit my toe on the bench. You know,

Speaker 2 I think I heard it.

Speaker 2 Maybe it was Joe Rogan or maybe Matt Sarah, maybe Dana White, somebody was like, the thing with UFC fighting, it's obviously the, you know, the muscles and the fighting technique, of course, important, but the number one thing they need to have is fearlessness.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they just have to be just to be rawly, just raw. And

Speaker 2 that's what I did say about that F1 thing. The one thing about those youthful drivers, those kids, the kids are the best because they don't give a shit.
Yeah. They just are like, what?

Speaker 2 I'm not going to die. No, yeah, I know.
And if I do, fucking party. Dude, I used to go on roller coasters all the time.
Like, it didn't matter. I'm on roller coasters.

Speaker 2 And now, when you know, I, you don't go to the amusement parks for that long, but now the kids are old enough where they want to go.

Speaker 2 And like, yesterday, we were down at the Santa Monica Pier, and um, my stepson was like, Come on, let's go on the roller coaster because, you know, Delilah's too small and Jasmine's too pregnant.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so they can't go on. So I, and I was like, I was like, okay, let's go on.
Like, we'll go on. Like, that'll be the last one.

Speaker 2 And like, but I was trying to buy time because I was trying to like work myself up, work myself up to do it. And then I ate a

Speaker 2 like a funnel cake. Oh, yes.
I ate a funnel cake and I blamed the funnel cake. I said, oh, man, my stomach's killing me.
Like, we got to make like an emergency.

Speaker 2 But it was all, I was fine. I felt great.
It was because I didn't want to go on the roller coaster because I was scared.

Speaker 2 What if, because I have a fat face, thank you, and a fat body, what if when we're going on the roller coaster, the contraption

Speaker 2 goes up and I fall and that's how I die. And I was so scared to do that where I never would have thought about that when I was 25.
But now all these things, you think about like the roller coaster.

Speaker 2 I was like, they have it, it's you know, COVID protocols. Who knows if they, I'm not worried about getting the virus, but what you know, they're under manned, they're understaffed.

Speaker 2 What if this thing comes off the tracks? They're probably not checking it. They're, you know, right, people are just getting benefits from good old sleepy Joe Biden and not coming to work.

Speaker 2 So I was like, you know, all these things could happen, and then I'm going to be the one that died. So let me eat the funnel cake, fake the diarrhea, and then we'll go back home.
You're a wuss.

Speaker 2 Your kid, you should have helped your kid out. You're a fat funnel cake loser.

Speaker 2 I love you. I love you.

Speaker 2 Sleepy Joe. Sleepy Joe is going to be, yeah, he's probably in charge of all that stuff.
Yeah, well, you know, Kamala has to change his colostomy bag every day. Every day.

Speaker 2 Takes out of the poop bag and throws it out. Yes.
And then she's got to change his colostomy bag every single day. Crazy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 God bless Joe Biden. Let's see TT Jerry's

Speaker 2 Instagram profile. Now we can show up.
So look at TT Kenny. Look at that hot.
And by the way, are we still doing a donation for TT's transition? Yes.

Speaker 2 If you want to go to ChristyComedy.com, we got merch up there now. We're getting new merch merch from the Boys at Killer Merch.
Nice.

Speaker 2 Boys at Killer Merch are going to design a new TT Jerry shirt, which will also, proceeds are going to continue TT Jerry on her SG replacement therapy, which was stopped since she got out of prison.

Speaker 2 The government no longer will pay for your tits if you are not in prison.

Speaker 2 I think that's insane. They'll only give you tits if you're in jail.
So she literally is contemplating, she said, go back.

Speaker 2 She was like, well, I feel like I should fucking be out here smoking crack again so I could go back and get my tits. Just let her rob you guys.
Well, she probably is. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's been cleaning the house without us there. And I'm like, Jazz, that's a a ridiculous thing to do.
I mean, she did 25 years in prison for grand larceny.

Speaker 2 She's like, are you going to disrespect my family? I'm like, she's stealing all your shit. Yeah, but fine.
Fucking yeah. So TT, so there's TT.

Speaker 2 And by the way, please go, please go to ChristyComedy.com, buy some merch so we can get TT's full transition because I think that's important. And look at that rumpus shot right there.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, she's got a nice, fat ass. Yeah, nice, too.
Yeah, I mean, look at this one in the shorts over there. Yeah.
Looking good. Looking good.

Speaker 2 She looks exactly like my girlfriend. It's a coin flip.
And it's Jazz's Jazz's uncle. That's Jazz's uncle.
By birth, yeah. By birth, yeah.
Dad's brother.

Speaker 2 Mom's brother. Mom's brother.
Mom's brother.

Speaker 2 So she said. That's my favorite, by the way.
Love you guys. Love you guys.
She wants to remind you guys that she loves you guys.

Speaker 2 And most of these photos taken by the homeless pimp, especially the ones in the bikini. Pimped, great stuff.
Yes. I see how some wants to look like a guy.
She's got the mask on.

Speaker 2 Right, so that's what I'm confused. I'm not even making a joke.

Speaker 2 The pronoun thing is kind of wild because then you just don't know what pronoun she's going to prefer. Well, she told us, she told us on the podcast when she came on.

Speaker 2 It was actually really a fascinating episode because she said it was good she was like she was like you know you know being in jail she was like i've been transgender my whole life she's like this isn't like a movement for me she's like i always you know she's like i feel like a lot of the people now the younger kids she's like i think they're a little confused on you know this is her saying this she's like i just don't think they all really know what this life is about she was like and the pronoun stuff she's like when i walk past you

Speaker 2 She's like, when I walk, when I'm walking past you, and it doesn't matter what I'm thinking in my head, she's like, when I'm walking past you, if you say, excuse me, sir, I'm turning around.

Speaker 2 She's like, so I'm a man. She's like, even though I want to be a woman, I want to be looked at as a woman.
She still says she's like, that pronoun bullshit.

Speaker 2 She was like, that shit is embedded in my brain chemistry. That's what she said.

Speaker 2 Embreeded. Yeah, embretted.
Embreeded. Deeply fried, embreaded.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Look, as far as I'm concerned, I don't give a fuck at people, whatever people want to be called. I just do think it is kind of hard sometimes.

Speaker 2 You're like, well, you'd have to know the person to know what they prefer.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's not like you can check out somebody's Twitter bio as soon as you come up to them and be like, what do you, by the way, Instagram just added that. Did you see that? No.

Speaker 2 Literally this week, Instagram added pronouns on the profile because I went to go

Speaker 2 put up a post or something or like or edit the link on my post for YouTube. Right.
And here, look at this. When you go to edit profile on Instagram, pronouns.
Whoa, what are you going to put in?

Speaker 2 Put in, I don't know, loser. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Put in loser. Shit face.

Speaker 2 Redcock. Redcock.
Fire crotch. Ginger.
I know what I'm going to put in. Fatface.
Fatface. Fatface 5.
You said he's a 5, right? Fatface 5. Oh, my God.
Will you change it to fat face 5? Fat 5.

Speaker 2 Fatface 5. Your next album.
Fatface 5. Fat face 5.
Presents Chris DeStefano. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Are you going to do a special, by the way? I well, we, you know, we've talked about it because, you know, we have the same agent. We've

Speaker 2 spoken about it, but I don't know that anybody's going to take a chance on all Chrissy Nutbag. So

Speaker 2 take a chance on me. Someone's going to take a chance on you.
So, daddy's got shows coming up.

Speaker 2 We got a bunch of shows. ChristyComedy.com.
Hello. We got all we start in Providence.
We got, we just put a second show at the Fox Theater

Speaker 2 in Connecticut on Hale.

Speaker 2 So, and so get the tickets. Thank you.
But we may just take one of those shows because Pimp films everything.

Speaker 2 We may just mic the audience and do one of those and just put that special out on YouTube like our good friends Mark Norman did and

Speaker 2 you know Andrew Schultz andrew Schultz all these people I may just do that but what about you

Speaker 2 I don't really know man I don't really know what I want to do I haven't decided I can't really make up my mind for now I just want to do a bunch of live shows you know I just by the way the live show that I am the show I'm doing in Hawaii for the private event is for Prince Harry.

Speaker 2 Amazing. Yep.
He wanted a little competition. He said, come on, see if you can get my wife from me.
Yes. I said, I will.
Now you're not a part of the royal family. I'm going to get out of there.

Speaker 2 I'm going to get her.

Speaker 2 I'm going to get that briefcase girl. I'm going to get her from the Prince Henry.

Speaker 2 Prince Henry's saying now that

Speaker 2 Megan Markle is behind all the attire folks in the royal family. Oh, I thought it was a good idea.

Speaker 2 He just said, there's a headline I just saw right before I came in. He said said that Megan Markle's behind it all.
Wait a minute. Yeah.
Which one's the red-headed guy? Prince Harry.

Speaker 2 You're saying Prince William, you mean? No, no, no, no, no, no. He's calling out his own wife for.
That's what he said. Hold on.
Really? Yeah, hold on, hold on.

Speaker 2 Ooh, Albert Pujol signed with the Dodgers. Prince Harry.
He's not dropped. Prince.
No, he's not. What did we say? We took your dad to the game.
We took Chris's dad to the baseball game. Tampa Tony.

Speaker 2 And Tampa Tony. He looks special ed.
He is so funny. Yeah, he's got the one lazy hole.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But Tony was hunched over, and he just goes,

Speaker 2 his dad doesn't say much, but he's such a cool dude, like such a sweet guy. Yeah, and his dad was hunched over.
I go, Man, Pooh Holst was kind of at the end of the run, huh?

Speaker 2 And your dad goes, They should have had it, got rid of him a long time ago. Yeah, that's what, and then he just stared back at the field again.

Speaker 2 Yeah, your dad is almost like Rain Man in the idea that we started talking baseball, and he would just throw out facts

Speaker 2 out of nowhere. Yeah, we were talking about our favorite from our childhood, baseball players that kids don't know.
I mean, some of them know, but you know, we were saying, like,

Speaker 2 you brought up Bobby Bonilla, and then I think I had mentioned

Speaker 2 Jose Okendo, one of the greatest.

Speaker 2 Why can't I think of the word? What's wrong with me? Position, but he can switch positions all the time. Utility players.

Speaker 2 And your dad started rattling off numbers like rain, like in the casino. I mean, he started like bobbing autistically.
Yeah. It was like OBP, 492, 492, OBP, OBP.
I was like, oh, my God.

Speaker 2 And his eye would get lazy, and then he just had his pretzel and he was dipping in the cheese sauce.

Speaker 2 But he would just put the cheese under his eyes and then he would eat the pretzel. Tampatone was incredible.
Tampatone. But yes, so if you saw it, they pulled up a little bit.

Speaker 2 Prince Harry is saying that,

Speaker 2 yeah, well, but you had it, and then you lost it. Prince Harry, Megan Markle, opened my eyes to the unhappiness.
Oh, right, he's agreeing with what she said. Oh, he's agreeing.
Oh, okay. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 You see how misleading the New York freaking post is? Well, and page six is also clicked. Look at the New York Post.
Look at the New York Post article.

Speaker 2 They say Prince Harry suggests Megan Markle is behind attacks on royal family. That's so funny.
What is the law?

Speaker 2 What does this prove to us, if anything? That the media is bullshit. Don't believe them.
The aliens are psyops. Aliens aren't real.

Speaker 2 God, I wish to this day Trump didn't say fake news because people just hated him enough that they didn't take it serious and it became like a joke phrase. Right.

Speaker 2 If anybody else had coined fake news, it would have still had weight to it. Sure.
Because it's real. It is all bullshit.
Sure.

Speaker 2 That's proof that it's like one article thinks this way, the other one says this. Yeah.
And it's all bullshit. I want, yeah, dude.
I, I mean, yeah. What's your source of news, Rudy?

Speaker 2 Do you read news? Do you ever indulge in anything newsworthy? Sometimes, but see, this generation doesn't give a shit. They don't care, right? You just, whatever, it's on TikTok, kind of, right?

Speaker 2 I deleted TikTok. You deleted TikTok? Why? It's annoying.
It is, and it is getting annoying. It's so funny.
God, she's way cooler than us.

Speaker 2 Interesting. How did it feel? Did it feel liberating when you...

Speaker 2 It felt like nothing.

Speaker 2 Dude,

Speaker 2 she's the most.

Speaker 2 She doesn't have any emotions. Yeah, she's dead inside.
Serial killer. Okay, watch.
Watch this.

Speaker 2 Look straight into the camera. Let's go through this.
Ready? Okay. Put on a happy face.

Speaker 2 Put on a sad face.

Speaker 2 Put on an angry face.

Speaker 2 I don't know. It's all the same.
You see what I mean?

Speaker 2 It's all the same. Yeah.
Look up people that can't express emotions. Yeah.
What is that? Is that Asperger's? Yeah, look at, I bet you the first person that pops up is Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy.

Speaker 2 People that can't express emotion. Yeah.
Because Rudy doesn't know emotions. Yeah.
I love the name Rudy. I love the dynamic.
Related health conditions. Here, let's go.
Related health conditions.

Speaker 2 Go over to the right. Let's see.

Speaker 2 All right. Do you have alexidemia? It's a personality trait that's characterized by the subclinical inability to identify and describe emotions based on experience by oneself.

Speaker 2 So how would you describe yourself, Rudy?

Speaker 2 How would you say you are? What kind of personality do you have?

Speaker 2 Boring. I like to sleep.
I like dogs.

Speaker 2 This sounds like Alex Lathne. Yeah, I was going to say you're connecting things that don't make sense.
It sounds like Alex Sexia with a bit of Tourette's.

Speaker 2 Okay, let's go to the next one. What does that say? Go to the next one.
So, ADD, hyper. Do you have attention deficit disorder? Do you take Adderall? No.
So you don't have ADD. You don't have ADD.

Speaker 2 Okay. That's fine.
Well, it could, I think it's that one. It's alexithmia.
You have alexithmia. How do we say that?

Speaker 2 Alexthymia. All about alexythmia.
Alexithmia. And by the way, we don't want to fend the alexithmia community right now, by the way.

Speaker 2 Alexithmia isn't well understood. There's a possibility.
Oh, go up, Pete, right now. Oh, links to autism.

Speaker 2 Got it. Boom.
There's a possibility. It might be genetic.
The condition

Speaker 2 might also be a result of brain damage to the insula. Have you ever had brain damage, Rudy? No.
You sure you've never had damage to the insula? I don't think so.

Speaker 2 Were you ever punched as a kid or dropped or hit?

Speaker 2 I got a knock on your head. That's how that's how you normalize them.
That sounds like such an our generation dad thing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Your head is fine. Let's knock on the head around a little bit.
You knock on the head, you find out. Well, it does say emotions and depression.
It's linked with depression. Do you have depression?

Speaker 2 You sleep all the time. You're bored.
You're bored. You're angry.
You're mad. You're sad.
You love knives.

Speaker 2 You've thought about death a lot.

Speaker 2 Rudy,

Speaker 2 I think you have alexithmia.

Speaker 2 Alexa.

Speaker 2 Go up again. Alexa? Alexa.
Alexthemia. Alexa, what is it? It's called

Speaker 2 Alexith.

Speaker 2 Alexmia. Who can do that? Alex Mia.

Speaker 2 Fancy, say it? Alexithmia. Alexithia.
Sounds like that. Spain.
It's so nice. Alexismia.
Alexithmia. Why do they lick so much the air? El ecmielo.
Well, the Spanish? Yeah, what is that about? Why?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know that I'm sure people have beat this to death, but I do want to know, Fancy, why do

Speaker 2 Spanish people have that lisp?

Speaker 2 What is it?

Speaker 2 Do we know why, like... What is it, fans?

Speaker 2 We can distinguish between letters and sounds. So we have the S and the.

Speaker 2 It's two different sounds. He's being fucking condescending as shit.
He's being a little condescending.

Speaker 2 Don't forget that this country has bailed you out of everything since the beginning of anything. All right? Origins of the Lisp of Spain.
Now, say the Lisp of Spain. Lisp.

Speaker 2 If you study Spanish long enough, sooner or later, you'll want to kill yourself. What is that? Why does it say that?

Speaker 2 Sooner or later, you'll hear a tale about Spanish king Ferdinand who supposedly spoke with a lisp, causing Spaniards to imitate him, pronouncing the Z and sometimes the C to be pronounced with a th and the th.

Speaker 2 So they copied the king.

Speaker 2 That's how fucking, that's how, that's how

Speaker 2 lack of any sort of like, you know, personal integrity the Spanish have. They just copied the king.
Well, everything, all like even curse words, all come from the king. Like, that's what fuck means.

Speaker 2 You know what fuck means. I've heard this, but this has also been debunked over the years.
No, I've heard that it's real. The fornication under the consent of the king? Yes.

Speaker 2 I've been, this has been debunked many times because there's a, there is a, we're going to go into history dive, you and I. Yeah, I always make it happen.
You can say, do etymology of fuck.

Speaker 2 He wonder how to spell etymology. No, let's give it a shot.
Eat. Oh, yes, he did.
Wow. Yes, he did.
So that, that thing under the consent of the the king, I've heard, but also

Speaker 2 there is a word that is Latin that they think it suggested might come from as well.

Speaker 2 This article is definitely not good. Well, there you go.
Attested from earliest 16 C O E D, second edition for the forms of Fukit and the earliest attested appearance of current spelling, 1553.

Speaker 2 Presumably it's more ancient words. See, it's a more ancient word, but we don't know.
Okay. Okay.
We don't really know. We don't really know.
Oh, look at that, though.

Speaker 2 Buck cites proper name John LeFucker from 1278.

Speaker 2 Dude, John LeFucker. John LeFucker.

Speaker 2 John LeFaker.

Speaker 2 Perdon, Perdon, Perdon, Perdon. Huh? What is your name? John LeFaker?

Speaker 2 I would love to hang out with John LeFucker. Who is this guy? Let's look at John LeFucker.
Look at John LeFucker. No, that's not.

Speaker 2 There was going to be no images of him. It was from the fucking 1200s.
Go to all. There he is.
There's John LeFucker. John LeFucker.

Speaker 2 He's living literally near my house. This guy lives on the bridge.
Go to all. Go back to all all because I want to read his Wikipedia.
John LaFucker. Here we go.
Right there. Click on that.

Speaker 2 He was an Englishman. Zoom in.
He was an Englishman who what? Who appears in the administrative record of 1278, who has attracted attention unusual surname.

Speaker 2 Ah, his name has been proposed as incorporating the earliest recorded instance of the English swear word fuck, but this interpretation has been challenged. See, no one.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, Rudy.

Speaker 2 I said I wouldn't, but because you said I had a fat face, I just wanted to get you back one time. I know I'm used to it.
Okay. It's so gross.
Have you ever farted in front of the team?

Speaker 2 You farted in here once. No.
Yes, I think we caught you once. Oh, yes, Rudy.
We did. Yes, we did.
Remember, Fancy? Because she went on to go. She was like,

Speaker 2 she coughed. You did fart in front of us one time.
No. Yeah, so she's embarrassed now.
Fine. No.
I'll stop. No, Filipino, they don't.
They don't fart.

Speaker 2 Very small butts. And very small buttholes.

Speaker 2 John LeFucker, by the way, is not real. He's got to be real.
I mean, it was a guy, but you know, it's just not. He didn't do anything.

Speaker 2 Lefaku. Lefaku.
He was an Englishman, oddly enough, so it's not. It was Joan LeFaker.

Speaker 2 Hey, I'm John LeFaker.

Speaker 2 Isn't that your friend, Joan LeFocker? Joan LeFocker. Hello, John LeFucker, it is.

Speaker 2 Great.

Speaker 2 Hello, hello, hello. John LeFucker.
If your kid is born on the 4th of July, you're going to name it America or Stars and Stripes or Guns or what do you do? Donald. Donald.
Donnie. Donnie.

Speaker 2 No, if it's a girl, Melania. If it's a guy, Donald.

Speaker 2 Nah, we're going to name her Betsy Ross.

Speaker 2 Do you have a name picked? You can't say it on the air, I'm sure. No, no, no, why couldn't we? Are you not allowed to say that? I think women have a thing with saying the name.

Speaker 2 It's a little bit of a jinx. Oh, okay.
So then I guess.

Speaker 2 I don't know if Jazz might get mad. It's on you.
Okay. You'll get mad.

Speaker 2 All right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, we were gonna name you've never said it on the other pods no have i said it already on the other pods oh you have oh idiot

Speaker 2 did you tell jazz about that yeah jazz knows oh jazz doesn't know okay so we won't say it then

Speaker 2 we won't say it on yeah i'm gonna name her rudy it is a very pretty name rudy and ruby ruby's a very pretty name but neither are her real name her real name is juliana so why do they call her rudy rudy giuliani got juliana's a beautiful name too I like Juliana.

Speaker 2 Juliana is a beautiful name. And call her Julie Julian.
But we can't name that because there's already a baby Julie in my family, so we can't do that. But Juliana.

Speaker 2 Did they call you Julie when you were a kid? Yen.

Speaker 2 Same same, I guess. Same same.
That's like, did they call you Mark? It was like, no, they call me Steven. You're like, oh, right.
Yeah. Yes, it's the same thing.
Yeah. Wait, Yen? Yan.

Speaker 2 Isn't that Chinese money?

Speaker 2 Man, the Chinese are taking over everything. Everything.
No, isn't it? Even the Filipinos names. I think a dollar is a Chinese yen.
Yeah, Yen.

Speaker 2 What is Yen? What is Yan? I don't know. My aunt just said that, and then it just started my nickname.

Speaker 2 But now do people in your family call you Rudy or only known as Rudy on this podcast? Yeah, only here. Only here.
Do you like it?

Speaker 2 I'm getting used to it. Will you write a book one day because you have felt like you've been pressured into doing things on the show? No.
We've never,

Speaker 2 she has always opted out of anything she didn't want to do on the show or be a part of. She's always been the controller of her own universe.
Isn't that right, Rude? Isn't that right, Rudy? Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Rudy. See how that works? Yeah, Rudy.
Just tell her what to do. She has to do it.
She's got to say what she has to say into the camera. I want her to take more control.

Speaker 2 Let's close the show strong with Rudy. No, I don't want to go.
All right, we'll stay. I got to go.
You do. You got to go to Dinsky Doodles.
I got to go to Dinsky Doodles. We didn't get any Resis.
No.

Speaker 2 No reservations. Well, it's Saturday.
I know. I always think, I'm always at like 6 o'clock.
Like, hey, you got a party for 9 at 6.45? Yeah.

Speaker 2 They're like, no. They're like, yeah, sure, on the roof.
Yeah. You want to sit up by the air conditioning unit where the cooks smoke? Yeah.

Speaker 2 We're going to go to Malibu Boo first and take family portraits on El Matadori Beach. Today? With Homeless Pimpy.
Today. Yeah, because of Sunset.
If it is, you got to get out of here. No, but Sunset.

Speaker 2 We want to do some. Oh, Sunset.
You got a couple out. You got hours.
Yeah. And then

Speaker 2 we're going to go to a restoranto. Do you know Caitlin Jenner is running for mayor?

Speaker 2 I know that I'm trying to move things around where I can get a legal lawsuit. Governor.
I'm not governor. Sorry.
To give her a vote. Governor.
Republican.

Speaker 2 got my vote okay so here's what's crazy she's running as a republican she's always been a republican

Speaker 2 she's against gay marriage

Speaker 2 what what where do we live i love it she's a transgendered famous person who's against a part of a community that she is a part of right lgbtqia

Speaker 2 or what is it now it's lgbtqia whatever and i mean i'm not saying this in a disrespectful manner obviously i don't know all the acronyms now because they've just added some new She's a part of this community and she's against it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's the craziest craziest thing I've ever heard in my fucking.
I don't care that she's a Republican. I'm not saying that means as much.
I'm saying, how can you be against gay marriage?

Speaker 2 I don't understand. Yeah.
By the way, I don't understand that as someone who isn't trans.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't give a fuck if gay guys want to get gay women who I don't want to go to your wedding at all.
Yeah. I don't want to go to a heterosexual wedding.
They're fucking annoying.

Speaker 2 Annoying. I'm going to another.
I got to go to another one. I got to go to another one and I'm dreading it.
Yeah. By the way, you want to ban gay marriage? Ban straight marriage, too.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Ban all marriage. I'm in fine.
Yes. Yes.
Ban all marriage. Ban all marriage.
Ban all marriage. Get rid of marriage.
It's insane. Yeah.
You never want to get married, right? Yeah, she said that.

Speaker 2 She's smart. Good.
I don't know. How could it against against other people doing stuff?

Speaker 2 What kind of fucking bananas nonsense is that that you're like, I don't like that those people want to do something. No, it's ridiculous.
Mind your own business,

Speaker 2 you idiot. Anyway, I'm still going to vote for her.

Speaker 2 Yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 No, I do think she'll probably win. I genuinely mean that.
I think she will just because of popularity. For me, it's three R's.
Red, right, Republican.

Speaker 2 Google Caitlin Jenner.

Speaker 2 I want to see like her. Does she have a government website? Like I'm running for.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? You know, sometimes they do that where they have a lot of people. Yeah, like a campaign

Speaker 2 website. Yeah, that's what it is.
Let's see.

Speaker 2 And by the way, we're going to get you out of here. No, No, it's so funny.
It's been. I think Caitlin Jenner's hot.

Speaker 2 I like her as a woman a lot. Yeah, not as a man.
Oh, see, look. There it is.
Caitlin for California. Caitlin needs an honest leader with a clear

Speaker 2 California needs, sorry. California needs an honest leader with a clear vision.
Our campaign will be powered by everyday Californians who deserve leadership and accountability to them.

Speaker 2 So look at this. The donate box, 50, is jumping at you.
Yeah, it's saying, pick me, pick me, please.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Don't do five.
Should we donate to five? Do 50. Let's donate to her.
I'd give to give her to give her. Look at that number.
Look how weird this number is.

Speaker 2 525, 50, 100, 500, 1,000, 5,000, 10,000, and then 32,400.

Speaker 2 Who fucked up on the website?

Speaker 2 Is that like a number she needs left? That's like, that's all we need to pay off this gambling debt. Yeah, yeah.
I can't believe Baylor won. This doesn't make any fucking sense.

Speaker 2 Should we give her 25? What do you want to do? Let's do make this a monthly reoccurring donation. So make it monthly and just do the 32,400.
Yeah, let's do it.

Speaker 2 All right, so we remember the planets now. Just

Speaker 2 for a recap, what were the planets? Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Remember, remember the acronym. My very erotic, my very erotic mother.

Speaker 2 Who?

Speaker 2 No, not who.

Speaker 2 Oh, okay, guess who?

Speaker 2 Remember?

Speaker 2 No, my very erotic mother.

Speaker 2 Something just

Speaker 2 suck nice. Suck nice.
And the last P for pussy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Should we have him take us home? No.

Speaker 2 Yeah, let's have you because you're a guest of the episode. Okay, so then

Speaker 2 what's the thing? Because in a whiskey ginger, you say one thing. We always say thank you for being a bad friend together.
Okay.

Speaker 2 But I want you to kind of look in your single and end it the way you want to end it. And then you have to say at the very end of whatever you're going to say, thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Okay, so thank you. Okay, got it, got it, got it.

Speaker 2 Okay, I appreciate Andrew. I appreciate you allowing me the chance to fill in.
So I'm going to fill you up

Speaker 2 right after this.

Speaker 2 Rudy, it was a pleasure to be

Speaker 2 talked down to by you and also Andres to be talked down to by you. I will be calling immigration.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I just, and wait, how do we end it again? Thank you for being a bad friend. Okay.

Speaker 2 And of course, as always, I'd like like to look right in the camera and tell you that QAnon is still accepting members. Q Denon is still accepting members.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 that's all I have to say. And Bobby, Bobby Lee, if you don't come back, I'm going to take your job.
Yep.

Speaker 2 Because your people have been taking mine. So now we're taking yours.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Yay.

Speaker 3 I'm a guy, right? Yeah. And I work at like a liquor store in New York.

Speaker 2 Correct. Okay.
In Harlem. So yeah,

Speaker 3 I'm logging out. I'm closing the store.
It's not a 24-hour place, right? Right. So I'm locking everything up, right? And it shows me like just walking with my backpack to my little squalor house.

Speaker 3 I have a really, I live in the basement somewhere in Chinatown.

Speaker 2 What? You live in Chinatown. Why does it.
Okay, anyway, I'm Chinatown. It just feels right.

Speaker 2 I'm Chinese. For this movie, you're Chinese.

Speaker 3 I'll be Chinese for that.

Speaker 2 I'll be black in the movie. Well, we're right.
We're right. We'll rewrite.
We'll write it right there, yeah. You live in the basement of Chinatown.

Speaker 3 Chinese, right? So I, you know, and it just shows me, like, a little montage of me, like, cooking some ramen, right? Putting some ramen in it, right? Rat runs by. Rat runs by, right.

Speaker 3 I'm by a really rickety table, right? Sitting there. I'm slurpering on the ramen.
I'm watching some... something on TV, the news or something, right? Rabbity or TV.
Right.

Speaker 3 There's a cut scene where I'm just kind of reading a book on a mat. That's where I sleep.

Speaker 2 On the floor? Yeah. I'm all sad.
This guy is so so sad. So sad, right?

Speaker 3 And then I plug in my iPhone whenever I have a phone, right?

Speaker 2 Samsung.

Speaker 2 Samsung. Okay.

Speaker 2 Gotta be Samsung?

Speaker 3 All right, Samsung. I plug in my Samsung.
Shout out to TV.

Speaker 2 Right, right, right, right, right.

Speaker 3 Does it matter what kind of TV I'm looking at?

Speaker 2 Toshiba.

Speaker 2 Toshiba? Toshiba. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 A tube TV, no less. Like an old tube, not a flashback.

Speaker 2 So I assume, just by your thinking, I'm wearing a kimono. 100%.

Speaker 2 What else would you be wearing at your house? So just out in public.

Speaker 2 Kimono, I have a sword. A sword?

Speaker 2 And your hair is in a bun.

Speaker 2 Must be. And what's in it?

Speaker 2 What's holding your hair up? Chopsticks. Chopsticks, that's correct.

Speaker 2 Oh, you racist fucking. All right.
Come on, come on. Let's get back to where we want to be.
All right, so I'm

Speaker 2 for some

Speaker 2 reason.

Speaker 2 For some reason, I'm wearing regular clothes. You're wearing regular clothes at the liquor store.
But when I get home, there's got to be a mantasi where I put the capitalists.

Speaker 2 I put the chopped to my hair. People will love it.
People will love it. I have a Samsung Toshiba.

Speaker 2 Samsung Fongo, Toshiba TV. TV, TV, right? Right.
Oh, shit. Right.
So you're slipping your mouth. Right.
Then you lay on your mat. I lay on my

Speaker 2 bamboo mat. Your bamboo mat.

Speaker 2 Bamboo mat, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah. Right?

Speaker 2 And then I wake up on an island.

Speaker 2 You wake up crawling out of sand. Crawling out of sand.
Yes. Naked.
Butt naked.

Speaker 3 Butt naked. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 3 How about how about I still have the chopsticks in my hair?