Fat Face Five w/ Chris Distefano

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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.

You two are something. We're bad friends.

I want to introduce, you know what, Rudy, you introduce our

fill-in for the day, our fill-in guest. Go ahead, Rudy.

This will be great um welcome everybody this is dennis pepus dennis pepus dennis pepus here he is dennis pepus hi i'm dennis pepus do you know who this is i know his first name is chris chris yes what's his last name name? Begins with a D. Don't.
That's gross. Don't do that.
Don't go there. Begins with a D.
No. You're not Chris DeLeo.
No. Yes.
No. No.
This is Chris De... Stefano.
YesStefano. Hi, how are you? Hi, nice to see you.
Welcome to the Bad Friends house. Thank you.
I want to say, Rudy, I apologize the last time I was in here. You gave everybody COVID.
I gave everybody COVID and I farted a lot. And I just want to say I apologize for that.
Remember how repulsed you were? He sat between us and he ate cake. Oh, yeah, you brought cake from um from the bakery across the street whatever it's called oh cutesy pootsy pudding pie cutesy pootsy in my ass yeah cutesy pootsy pudding pie and now he's here today but today we really want more than anything rudy to take over the show because tito bobby is gone and i want her to kind of drive the engine today and tito bobby is gone uh i've heard forever, on the news.
Yes. There was a crisis that he's out.
Do you know what happened in Hungary? Did you hear? No. He broke the quarantine rules, which I'm not surprised.
And he went out to go get a video game. They told him not to leave the hotel.
He got a video game. And now he's in Hungary jailary jail yes and it's not good for him because if you know anything about history is the uh mongolians with genghis khan had really a lot they really ravaged through hungary and anybody who looks mildly mongolian which bobby i would say looks moderately mongolian mild to medium mild to medium mongol in mm yeah he is there's a lot of retribution there, rightfully so, from what happened.
So Bobby, I don't know if he'll make it out of the Hungarian jail. Probably not.
Do you want to send a message to Tito Bobby? Because we're going to try to send this to Hungary. So Hungary.
So why don't you send a message to Tito Bobby? We can send this to him in Hungary. Hi, it's Bobby.
I hope you're're okay i hope the video game was worth it yeah i know you said that you were really lonely there yeah and i hope that you're okay and i think kaila is still mad at you bye bye bye it does seem like uh she it does seem like she doesn't even know him the more i hear her talk about him on this show it's almost like it's a guy she's never met before. And what is it? It's her uncle? Well, it's Kalilah's niece's boyfriend.
What's the relationship again? You got it. I'm sorry.
Kalilah's niece. This is Kalilah's niece.
That is Kalilah's niece. Yeah.
Got it. Okay.
And Bobby is... I mean, I guess they're technically married.
They they have common law do you know that in california if you live together for look up common law california i think if you live to get if you live in the same residence for seven years you're you're common law married which means if they split like the house yeah they'd have to split uh common law oh there's not in california they don't recognize common law so he's good he can get He could get out. Does not have a common law marriage.
Unmarried couples who have been together for an extended period of time do still have some rights. So she would have some rights.
Some rights. Well, if that ended, if it ended, Tito, Bobby, and what is it? What's auntie again? I thought there was a word for auntie.
Tita. Tita.
And it's Filipino. Yeah, it's Filipino.

No, no, because I work a lot.

When I was a physical therapist, I worked a lot with Filipino.

You did?

In New York, at least, many of the healthcare professionals are Filipinos.

Are they?

Most of them are, especially physical therapists.

I would say when I was working for the New York City Board of Ed, there was me, there was an Indian woman, and then there was like six or seven Filipinos.

Really?

Yes.

Can you name some of these people by the first name?

There was Arwen, Katrin.

Katrin.

Arwen, Katrin.

Yeah.

Bobby.

Bobby?

Yeah.

The one guy's name was Bobby, but you would say Bobby.

There was Manny, of course.

Manny? Yeah. Are you sure he wasn't? That wasn't just a Puerto Rican kid who got it no was like no I'm Filipino no no you know what now that I'm thinking back I think it might have actually been Manny Pacquiao I think but so and then we would go to um there was a uh a fast food place a Filipino fast food Filipino fast food place called um Jolly something Jolly Bee.
Jolly Bee. They love, they love Jolly Bee.
So they have them in Los Angeles. Yeah.
Okay, so we would go to the one and there was one in Jersey City and I remember for Arwen's birthday, that's what I got him. I got him a whole thing of Jolly Bee and a rooster and they liked it.
That's what they like. Yeah, a live rooster.
Why do you like, why do you guys like Jolly Bee? We talked about it on this show, but I really can't figure it out. It just reminds you of the homeland.
Yeah, and the chicken is really good. It's very good.
It's not like Chick-fil-A chicken. Yeah.
Chick-fil-A chicken's better, isn't it? I've never tried Chick-fil-A. Filipino people are the kindest, I personally think, the kindest type of Asian.
You don't think so? Japanese.

I don't know many Japanese in New York.

Japanese is more out here.

That's out here. But Filipino,

I like,

to me, Filipino people are the kindest Asian. Right.

At least in New York. If I've met a Japanese

person from Japan,

I would

like... You would like them more.
I would like them more she'll tell you their filipinos can be mean really it depends but she can be mean hold up your hands rudy if you don't mind very small hands you have bigger hands for a filipino person but most of the filipino people i worked with had had very small hands that's why they were good at physical therapists physical therapy because they get their small fingers inside the muscles and behind the bones and i remember miss catherine said to me once i said what's the key for you to being such a good physical therapist and she said small filipino hands is that what she said that's what she said yeah and i and she said your hand she said your hands too big rudy is a giant in the philippines very giant she's five seven five five five five5". 5'5".
How old are you, Rudy? I'm 19. 46.
19 years old. So 19 years old.
So there are... It's getting to the point where you will be expected to, in the Filipino family, to start to marry children coming up or more new school.
No. I don't want to have kids.
She hates kids. Okay.
So she doesn't want children. And we're supporting that.
We support that. Because we also don't want her to start dating guys.
That's like a big no-no. She's going away to college.
We're getting scared. I want to date guys.
No. No.
You want to date guys? Rudy, we went over this. No.
No. It's just not going to happen.
We're going to arrange a marriage for her. We talked about it.
Okay. When she's 30 and we're going to arrange it.
We're going all together fancy's gonna be the little ring boy great you know pete is obviously gonna be the flower girl sure uh bobby is gonna be best man i'm gonna be bridesmaid yes because yes i want my day yes and we're gonna arrange the marriage she's gonna be 30 years old and the wedding is gonna take place in riverside californide california inland empire yeah we want in the ie because we want trucker hats and yes flatbeds and bros that's beautiful and sublime the whole sublime is the song that we're going to play all the sublime songs great yeah they're going to santeria is the first dance yeah i'll go i'll also come to the wedding by that time i would be about 50 i should be about years in a wheelchair. I hope so.
Yeah. Do you really feel like you're getting old like that? Yeah.
Yeah. No, I just feel like, you know, I just feel like with me.
It's catching up. It's not that it's catching up, but I just feel like I'm destined to have some type of cerebral spinal injury.

I didn't know where you were going.

Yeah, you probably will get paralyzed.

Yes.

At some point.

At some point.

No, Rudy, you can start dating.

And we're just so nervous about it.

Because I feel like you're part of my family now. And I just don't like the idea of boys in college and parties.

But you're not going to be out partying.

You're going to be still living at home, right?

Yeah, but I also want to party.

I know, but it's not worth it.

What's your dream school? Dream college?

I don't have.

Yeah, she doesn't. Okay.

DeVry or? Phoenix Online

is what I think we're going to do. Phoenix Online, yeah.

Yeah, P-H-E-D-U. I can be, I can go

to any school. I want you to go to Pepperdine.

Ooh, did you hear what you just said? Pepperdine! I can go to any school. Because do you have good grades? I guess.
She's very smart. Ask her any school question.
No, no, no, no. I'm not smart.
Any school question, she's very smart. Seriously.
What's the capital of the Philippines? There you go. It's Manila.
Manila, that's easy. Give her another one.
Okay. Look at how good she is.
Go. Anything.
Anything from school. Anything from school.
Not even American history. Just any school question.
American history. She did have to study American history.
How many planets are there? And can you name them? That's not American, but yeah. Well, we discovered space.
Americans discovered outer space. Do you know the acronym for all the planets? No.
What is it? My very... I don't know what it is.
I just know them. You know what I'm talking about? Well, let's see.
Mercury. Mercury, Venus.
My very... Something mother.
Earth. My very Earth.
My very astute mother. Well, astute's with an A.
Astute? Astute. A-S-T-U-T-E? Yes.
Astute. Astute.
Look up the acronym of the planets. My very astute mother or something like my very because i don't know what it is have you never heard of this you guys didn't do this in school no plan an acronym my very educated mother see just served us noodles racist that is extremely racist that is extremely and i want to say on behalf of of the white community, I apologize for an acronym like that.

That is horrible that a white woman did that.

You didn't see what they did?

Served us noodles.

Educated mother, meaning like, oh, she's book smart.

She must be an Asian mom.

Noodles.

That's how they did that.

That's disgusting.

That's repulsive, WikiHow.

Disgusting.

There are many other end foods.

Yeah, go ahead.

My very educated mother served us Nutella.

Nutella.

That's why you're a 36 waste.

Yeah, I love so much. are many other end foods yeah go ahead my very educated mother served us nutella nutella that's why you're a 36 waste that's yeah i love oh i love sugar and it's a hazelnut treat rudy let's make let's let's do an acronym for you my let's let's see what your acronym be for mercury venus earth mars jupiter saturn uranus neptune although didn't we we went back and forth on Mars for a while, didn't we? No, not Mars.
What do you mean Mars? Like if it's a planet or not? If it's habitable. Oh, if it's inhabitable.
But we, you know, Pluto. Pluto is around.
We kicked it off. Yeah.
Well, good. We don't need it anymore.
So what would it be? What was it when we were kids? It would be my very, because now they're missing Pluto. So it's a my very educated mother served us noodles, pussy.
Maybe that's how you remember the Pluto.

That's how.

They had no problem dropping it off the end.

I know.

My very erotic mother.

Yes.

Just served us.

No, just suck.

Nasty pussy.

Just sucked.

How about my very erotic mother just sucked you. Sucked us.
Just sucked us. No, just suck.
Nasty pussy. Just sucked.
How about my very erotic mother just sucked you. Just sucked us.
Just sucked us. Nice.
Nice. That's the one.
Okay, Rudy, so that's what it is. My very erotic mother just sucked us.
Nice. How disgusting.
So you go to Pepperdine and you tell tell them that let's see what they say in malibu oh my buddy told me such a funny story because when you said japanese man at the beginning of this it reminded me you know because when you put man after something it's racist now you know what do you mean well you can't say like china man is racist no you can't say that right that's racist right but my friend had a driver for, like he had a driver was taking him to this job.

And he was in London.

And the British guy was like, you know, he's talking about America and talking about PC

culture and whatever.

Oh, hello.

America.

Yeah, in America.

And my buddy's just sitting there nodding off, just like, yeah, whatever.

And he goes, I mean, you can't even say Chinaman anymore.

And my buddy's like, no, I don't think you can.

Yeah. And he goes, but why not? he goes uh i don't think they like it and he goes yeah but look he's from china isn't he yeah he's chinese he's a man from china china man i'm from england i'm a man i'm an englishman and he goes yeah but i think it's that they don't like it he goes what if some englishmen don't like to be called englishmen he's like i think you guys got to make a big thing about it and then it'll get more attention so let's make a big thing right now because i actually englishman i actually just found out recently through ancestry.com that i am i think eight.
Offended by what you just, the accent you just did. Offended.
Sorry. I apologize.
Well, I'm sorry. I take it all back.
Yes. And I should work on, I'm trying to work on my accents because I'm watching the Drive to Survive, the Formula One show on Netflix.
Oh, me too. Dude, I'm in season two.
Let me tell you something. Do you ever watch this? Do you know what F1 is? No.
You've never heard of it before? It's race cars.

Pull up F1, Pete, so she can see what they look like.

I didn't know a thing about... I've been here for two months in LA.
When I got to LA, I didn't know a thing about this. Now I cannot...
I would pay... Do you want to go to the one in Miami? Look at how bad he is at Googling.
What are you doing? He's fucking like kites. I mean, Pete, Jesus Christ.
God, Pete, he brings up kites like do you mean f1 kite kiting competition in long beach every year no pete yeah f1 cars that's a look have you ever seen these before and yes i do want to go it's in miami yeah grand prix is in miami at the end of this year well you know there there usually is one in long beach and i've been to the one in long beach like the one with all these big time drivers f1 is in long beach yeah they did they did one so i let me understand something though real quick okay because watching that documentary and maybe if this is too esoteric inside stuff if it is i'll i'll be quick but like mercedes and and and um who's the other one who always wins well for a long time it was just mercedes and ferrari but but that but mclaren is doing pretty well but they are but but it feels like at least in this in this netflix thing it's like you it's impossible to beat Mercedes and Ferrari. But McLaren is doing pretty well.
But they are. But it feels like, at least in this Netflix thing, it's like it's impossible to beat Mercedes and Ferrari.

It's not fair.

Like sports is fair in the sense of, yes, some team can get better players.

But literally, they are in better machines.

It's almost like Mercedes and Ferrari allowed to use steroids and nobody else can.

Correct.

So for me, it's a little bit of a disconnect where I'm like, they're not all fair machines no well no well technically i mean all the standards have to be the same right so they often meet the same kind of standard you can't go like you you couldn't have an engine that would have so much more power than the other engines i mean tweaks make them performance better but like there's a there's standards of what they have to meet yeah it couldn't be like one guy driving a honda crv versus a ferrari testarosa you know you can't like there's a there's standards of what they have to meet. Yeah, it couldn't be like one guy driving a Honda CRV versus a Ferrari Testarossa.
You know, you can't like, there's a level that all these cars kind of have to meet. They have to fall on these qualifications, both for like design of the cars and both for the weight and the engine output and all that stuff.
It has to meet specifications. Because Mercedes and Ferrari, it seems like they're always winning though.
Is that just because there's Lewis Hamilton and the other guys? Lewis Hamilton is... He's just a superior driver.
He's one of the greatest drivers of all time. Right.
I mean, I think some people would say he might be the greatest F1 driver. And I mean, what a handsome devil.
Do you know who this guy is? Lewis Hamilton? Look him up. What if Lewis Hamilton would like to take Rudy out on a date? Would that be okay? Would you go on a date with someone like Lewis? I don't even know how old he is.
How old is he? his 30s but he gets paid 30 million dollars a year to drive a 30 million he's driving race cars is he cute to you yeah but he's so old he's old and that's how we feel with her we're old yeah we're old yeah he's not old he's like 30 years old but to her she's like he's old and gross he's yeah and i mean where so we're disgusting then to you i'm 36 and andrew's 37 actual truly hideous be i don't need it for me because i already know rudy but on a scale of one to ten our guest today as a guy looks wise what is what is he looks wise like old man you go oh that old guy he he's like a what out of 10 five yeah i knew that was coming that was coming. I could feel that.
Yeah. That's what you are.
Even with the smile? Doesn't matter. The smile makes it less maybe.
Four and a half. Okay.
Okay. Try this.
How about now, Rude? Four. Four.
Yeah. It got worse.
I could feel that. What about when I'm sipping a drink? Three.
Two. Yeah.
It's gone down. It's gone way down.
A two? Yeah. What about side profile? profile oh my god it's even worse zero zero yeah you just keep plummeting so i i got some points when you're dead on not smiling not eating or drinking you actually look okay so who's a handsome comedian to you oh my god we went davidson no no okay i like john mulaney she likes john mulaney another Asian.
No, he's divorced. No, he's with Olivia Munn.
It's all over the news. He came out.
He's dating Olivia Munn. This is like he left his wife.
I'm not up to date. Yeah, well, you know.
Wait a minute. This just happened.
Didn't he just go to rehab and get a divorce? And now he's with Olivia Munn. It's kind of like.
It was one of those things I was sitting with Jasmine, my girlfriend who's like eight months pregnant, and she said the same thing. She was like, wasn't John Mulaney? She's like, I thought that he was in rehab and he always talks about his wife.
And I was like, yeah, but you know, because she saw on the New York Post and she was like, and now he's out with Olivia Munn? And I was like, munn and i was like yeah she goes oh hell no she like said that now she said that for like she was like if i was john mulaney if i was john mulaney she was like i would be in his face like you ain't walking around with this half asian bitch in front of me you know like i mean but i mean let's just be let let me just be honest on the record i don't care what it says i mean olivia munn she is i mean vixen beautiful she is gonna ruin his life yeah and he thought drug rehab was he's going back to rehab yeah it's gonna get bad but i mean sign me up i mean i'd love to ruin my life with actually olivia munn or john mulaney he's a hottie. I agree with Rudy.
I'm going to go with Mulaney on this one over Olivia Munn.

I'd pick him over her.

Because I'd hold him down and break him.

Well, because you can control him.

Yeah, I'd like to control him.

He's definitely not a type A.

Yeah, like if he starts, you know, coming around, slap around.

I say, John, slap.

Well, what do you get?

You want to hang out and have sex?

I grab him by the throat and I say, John, you shut up and you kiss me softly on the lips right now.

Fucking do it.

Fucking do it.

He's like, well, I guess I will. i will you like that go ahead put on my underwear i like john malena i think he's a fun i think he's a very funny dude i i had no i the one thing i found very strange was he did like all these that that netflix thing he did with all the kids yes i was like what is who is this for yeah it's weird it's just here's what i don't i like him i think he's very funny dude he's an undeniably talented guy yeah but but also it's weird when you do a kid show when you don't have kids i'm always if you're a guy if you're a girl like tiffany haddish talking to dumb young kids funny funny yeah john mulaney doing a play kind of like a theater play with kids right who doesn't physically have kids i'm always like right i don't i don't think it's one of those things where i don't think that it's anything necessarily inappropriate like no i didn't think inappropriate but i think that's what i was gonna get to i think it's just like there's a part of his brain that's a little like weird yeah because if you have kids and you do a kid show it's totally it's like oh he's it's why like uh what did sandler was like yeah yeah people talk shit i started making kids movies because i have kids now well that's i made movies for my kids well that's that's the thing is if i was in adam sandler's position or even a john malaney's position i had the ability i would probably make a kid show only because the entertainment i'm watching 90 of my day is children's stuff with my kids so it's like in my it's not for them.
It's just that's where my mind is in that zone. So I'm thinking about, okay, children's books, children's stuff, animation, because that's all I watch.
So maybe he was watching a lot of kid stuff on his downtime. He just loved kid stuff.
Well, because a lot of white guys who are into anime and all that stuff, they also have an Asian fetish. And here we go.
Yeah. It's Olivia Munn.
Yeah, why is that a thing? Yeah. It's like white guys, really nerdy white guys love Asian stuff, and really nerdy black guys.
Nerdy black guys. Ron Funches had a great joke.
He said every young, nerdy black kid wants to be Japanese. Right.
And I think that's... What's the reason for that, you think? I don't know.
Why do young black kids want to be Japanese? Maybe that's the name of the episode. Ron said young black nerdy kids want to be Japanese.
I'm going to make a statement and say all young black men want to be Japanese. I feel it.
I mean, the Wu-Tang Clan, what was that about? What was that about? Tiger Woods? What was that about? What was that about? So if Olivia Munn breaks up with Mulaney, you'd think you'd be interested in in him and you know he's also old compared to what you're he's older than me he's older than us he's he has a lot more money than us what is he 40 no he's like 30 he's our age he's 36 37 oh wow he started stand-up when he was 15 16 years old he's fucking killing it that's insane good for him good for him i'm driving a nissan armada it's a nissan marauder isn't it i thought it was a nissan your mama your mama 38 years old uh oh what's his birthday august 26th yeah guess who else's birthday is august 26th christopher paul anthony de stefano that's right moi you share a birthday he's exactly two years older than me and exactly a hundred million dollars ahead of me at least yeah he's he's a whole F1 sports team ahead of me. Who else? Type in famous people's birthday.
I know one. August 26th.
Macaulay Culkin. Really? Macaulay Culkin, August 26th.
Let's see a famous August 26th birthday if mine even pops. I don't even think I'm on.
I'm not even on the notable alumni from my high school. No.
Oh, you're not? I'm not. Okay, look at this.
Ooh. Wait, do you know some of these people, Rudy? I don't.
Little Tecca? You know Little Tecca up top? No. Who's Little Tecca? You don't know Little Tecca? Who's Little Tecca? He does that song.
Which one? It's me, Little Tecca. I'm just hanging out.
You don't know that song? Oh, yeah. It's me, Little Tecca.
I'm just hanging out. It's me, Little Tecca.
I'm just'm just hanging out yes and his friends in our background are just like we with little tucker and we just hanging out you don't know that song yes i have heard that song it was in milaney's kid show oh okay um james harden also same birthday that's dope wow that's good all these beard fear the beard chris pine chris pine handsome mother theresa whoa mother Mother Teresa. That's a big one.
King Sid, who didn't learn how to smile at a young age and just kept that. Yes.
Melissa McCarthy, she's dope. Wow.
Look at all the August 26ers. I cannot believe you didn't make it.
I didn't. Yeah, I didn't make the list.
Keep going down. Let's see how many other people.
Oh, wow. And these are, okay, this is just nobody at some point look at colin tv zoom in on colin tv you got beat no no bottom left you got beat up by colin tv his name's colin tv that's his full name that's his full name yeah yeah and i lost colin tv this guy's more famous than you let's check your birthday let's see if you made the all right famous famous people on october 26th exact way you put it in just type it into that very site, Pete.
Yeah. That's what that site is.
Yeah, pull up more kites. Pull up more kites.
That's what Pete's just going to. October 16th.
Let's see who the famous. And then we have to do Rudy Rude.
Yeah. I actually know somebody because John Mayer and I have texted.
Bryce Harper. Yes.
You made it? No, I didn't make it. I just like Bryce.
Okay, wait, wait, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Okay. Like, zoom into J.
Fred. That guy is more famous than me? J.
Fred? He might have a bunch of YouTube followers. Is that our business manager? Yeah.
That guy looks like a guy that works for me. J.
Fred? J. Fred.
All right, zoom out. Let's see who else.
I know John Mayer because we've talked about it. Who else Who else? I mean, there's a bunch of nobody.
Who's Ila Fedorovic? And he is not 25. That's a lie.
He's a 38 year old man. This guy's in his mid 60s.
Right. But when you're Russian, you can do whatever you want.
Yeah. Look at the girl that's dead is more famous than me.
Oh my God. She died young.
She died last year. Rest in peace, Ashley Ross.
I didn't know anything about her. I'm sorry about that.
Look, here's Terry TV now.

Terry TV, right.

You had Colin TV.

Yeah, you got Terry TV.

Manute Boll.

Wait, Manute Boll is on my birthday?

Zoom out.

You got beat by Manute Boll.

Look.

But I love Manute.

Me too.

And Flea, by the way.

Flea's pretty cool.

Flea's cool.

Who else?

Manute Boll's dead too?

Oh my God.

Yeah, he died in 2010. Jesus.
For being too dope. too you didn't make it you and i didn't make it what's your birthday rudy let's see if you made it let's see god if you're on this i'm gonna be fucking walking out of this studio she does dude you know every time i ask it what's your birthday rudy so he can search november 9 november 9 so every time i'm doing shows afterwards i'm you know like if i'm toying around with the crowd when i check drop check drop and I'm asking questions, I'm like, let's have a chat because sometimes you just can't do meet and greets.
I get it. And every time the question is about her, is Rudy going to stay on the show? We love Rudy so much.
Dude, she has 70,000 Instagram followers. That's more than most people in comedy that we know.
Yeah, people would kill Tevron. I know when I wear the sweatshirt, people come up to me and be like, oh, Rudy, do you know Rudy?

Because it says Rudy's Nights on the back.

That sounds so annoying.

I said, yes, she doesn't want to be with anyone.

She wants no children.

She wants no children.

She hates people.

Yeah.

And she's going to Pepperdine.

Uh-oh.

French Montana is on your birthday?

Whoa.

Huh?

That's what he says.

Huh?

And Jerry Perp drank.

Ooh.

Oh, Jerry Perp drank.

I like that he has a really white guy nerd name and Perpank is his last name. Look at this.
Cringe Carter. That's what his frat called him.
Oh, God, he looks like a dick. He's like, hey, old self.
It's me fucking French Carter, dude. Fucking SAE for live, Dougie.
Scroll down. Who else is on there? Chris Jericho.
Ooh, Nick Lachey has the same birthday as you. You don't even know who that is.'t know who that is you've never heard of 98 Degrees she's 19 dude that was like that was when we were fucking 19 what about the Backstreet Boys are in sync I've heard of those two but you don't like care crazy like who was oh you know how about this how about this me and Andrew did podcasts with somebody from Fifth Harmony does that excite you oh yeah Oh, yeah.
No, she says even no. Fifth Harmony.
That's too old for her still. That's too old.
Oh, my God. Third one in on the first row.
Cisco. Baby, make your booty go.
That dong, da dong, da dong, da dong. Do you know what the thong song is? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. All right.
That's great. Go down.
Oh, Hedy Lamarr. Oh, my God.
Do you know anything about Hedy Lamarr? Hedy Lamarr, yeah. That's Snow White.
She's a genius. Yeah.
So Hedy Lamarr created, she was a very famous actress, but at the same time was the one that created a frequency hopping. Yes.
Literally created a frequency hopping that our fucking military ended up using and she didn't get credit for it for years. Yes.
This is very, doesn't mean anything to anybody, but she really, she was really smart and she was a cool actress but she was like i'm i'm not just pretty i'm smart she created this this frequency hopping where yes radios could communicate with each other on different channels yes and she was fucking she was the face she was the original inspiration for snow white that's right that's her hedy lamar she was a big actress snow white white White! Snow is white! Snow white! Go down. Scroll down.

Sleep. actress snow white white white snow is white snow white go down scroll down sleep white hail white we got it all we got all the precipitation fancy are you circumcised is that a thing in spain absolutely absolutely and you guys love calamari out there right isn't calamari like a calamari sandwich like a main dish yes yes calamari is huge in spain i just watched my octopus teacher man i'm pissed off about it and i told you about that i thought he was being sexually aggressive with that it made me cry it made me like get emotional it also creeped me out a little bit did you guys see that i didn't like it what did you think did we talk about this already we did i did it was it made me emotional i didn't i know i just watched it again i just was made me like on the plane i shouldn't have watched it on the plane you know what i don't like watching on stuff on the plane because you can feel people looking at your screen yes i don't like that i don't like that either ipad needs to come out with like a thing that just attaches to my eyes so i can just stare at it no one can see one time on a flight this was like 2019 i was on a flight i was reading a book and the name of the book is the nazi symbiosis and it has a big swastika on the side and I was reading it and it's about how the Nazis – And the whole time you're just going – It's a dying laugh.
No, no, no. I think I've told this story once on – I probably told this story once on another podcast, but it just – what you're – this is a real thing.
I was sitting next to a woman. I didn't realize, you know, I was always in the aisle seat.
So she was she could see the cover because I was like that. And there was a part in this book, the Nazi symbiosis, which is really about it's kind of like about Nazi and like the eugenics and like how like the mind, how their minds turned into doing what they did.
It's like it's like follows that. So one part.
would talk about like the the horrors of the holocaust and there's a part in the holocaust where they it's not funny well you're laughing already no no no no no they wanted to like hitler and and and gobbels himler and well gobbels is the propaganda minister himler was like really like right himla himla Himmler. Himmler.
They were the ones that were like doing like the experiments. And they had one experiment where they wanted to.
They were going to try to like invent something where like Nazis could fly. Like some type of like flying power.
So they would take members, like Jewish members, you know, people in the Holocaust and in like this big slingshot. Shut up.
I swear to God, like throw them up into the air with like this potion. they would all just like what to see if they could fly with this thing because they would do all these experiments and they would fall what like i'm talking about like a hundred yards in the air and then they fall and obviously die and when i was reading it like it was so shocking to me that i was like like almost like repulsed and like laughing and this woman at the end of the flight was like you know i just thought it was a little inappropriate that you were giggling in that book and i want to know what that was about and i explained i've told the story before and i explained to her that hey like the nazis were putting injecting members of the holocaust like this magic potion and putting them in a slingshot and throwing them up into the air yeah they were falling on the floor so it's horrible but i thought it was funny and she was like you know someone in my family killed was killed in the holocaust i don't think anything about that book was funny and i was like nothing about the holocaust is funny like zero about the holocaust is funny i was like but that you know like that's why i was laughing at that shotting people they were slingshotting people into the air and then just standing there and be like, this one didn't work.
So insane. You know? And so- Well, try it again.
Yes. Get it now, Devonnie.
Reload. Like, think about the mindset of these fucking pieces of shit.
It is crazy that it's so interesting to want to learn about that stuff in history. But the more you read it, the more you're like, I can't believe this is what people actually thought.
Well, it's one of those things, too, where I love history and I'm fascinated with reading books or watching documentaries about the enemies of the United States.

Because when you read about the United States, it's like it's always like, you know, wait, we're winners or we're going to put it to our citizens in a certain way.

When you read about other countries, you're like, oh, it's all it's all the same everywhere you go.

It's all the same. It's just the people group gets power and they treat the other group like dog shit that's just what happens anywhere from any country you go to yeah but it's interesting but it's an interesting thing well that i mean those books it is it like that but that's why i'm so afraid i don't want to i don't want to like look at stuff on a plane that i'm like there's stuff that i want to read or watch but you just can't the guy on the way on the way in was watching game of thrones he was a really cool dude we started chatting he was a baseball scout for the cincinnati reds oh sweet yeah and he gave me on the team because you have right here he said yes wow he said yes i asked he said yes i said my buddy chris is going to want to know when i get back to l if i could be on the team yeah and he said you got a kiddo gave me his card so i think i'm pitching next week great i gotta go to natty i want to come he said he's uh he's he was watching game of thrones and he had and he had it tilted a little bit and uh he was talking about the f1 show and he's like that's great he's like i'm watching game of thrones but i gotta be careful on a plane because you know a lot of nudity on the on the show and i'm like well you're you know you're good you're good for me and he was like yeah but you know i've had it where like a kid is looking through the crack you know behind like just a little like a little pervert and he goes i had to like put my elbow up through to block the seat otherwise you have to turn to the dad and be like hey dude he's getting some titty education right now yeah but that showed i you do realize that when you when i watch stuff and i'm like i can't right i don't want to because even though even though it's like it's not like a porno it's just like a rated R show or movie yeah but then you see someone you're conscious of it like a whenever a sex scene I'm always like okay but you know what though my feeling though like if my kid you know I've been on flights with my kids I kind of like once we walk I tell them all the time like once we walk out like there are rules in the house like you know no cursing obviously there'll be no nudity but once you walk out into the real world you're going to see stuff i don't want to shield them from that because then they grow up yeah and they act like idiots so i would just you know if they turned around i was like what's going on i'd be like well you know cersei's getting she's getting fucked in the ass but well i guess you know i guess the nudity and sexuality of the United States is so different.
Is nudity common in the Philippines? It's not a big deal, huh? Yeah. My siblings, my brothers watch anything.
And my mom doesn't care. Nobody says anything.
But Rudy, even on the equivalent of the CBS, the local mainstream shows, they don't even block it out, right? The Filipinos. like the United States, we blockbs like the local you know like the mainstream shows they

don't even block it out right the filipino like the united states we block all that stuff out or we say oh you know you you can't say shit you have to say poo poo but then you know they'll show rambo with like ak-47s and grenades and you're like yeah well obviously you know we're okay with guns and deaths because we're a militarized country we love the idea like we got it's defense defense. But sex is naughty.

Notice. Sex is wrong.

Did you see today Jeremy Corbel came out? There's more UFO stuff where they're saying, like, now there's more sightings. And now the Navy is starting to say spokespeople from the active Navy, not like retired, like active Navy today are saying, we believe they're a threat as well.
So now it's like, it's going to happen. Before the end, before, I've been saying this in almost every podcast I go on, before the end of this year's over, I guarantee you, they say the aliens are real.
And I guarantee you, they will say they're a threat. And here's the thing, baby.
They are not real. That is other governments making aliens using their technology that they found.
Those are not real do not believe it when you see it they are not real who's making them what country we have reverse engineered technology from these alien civilizations that have landed here crash landed and we have take and they are all but peaceful with us they don't really care about us but in order for a threat i don't know if it's the 1%. Of course, it always could be George Soros.
I don't know. But people now are going to, because the only way to unite us again is to have a war.
We've already fought each other. There's only so many countries you can blow up.
So now you have the Israel-Palestine thing happening. What's going on? Go on.
Go on. So it's about Jesus.
Was it in that book? Yes. Yeah so so so you have that that's happening and that's going to reach reach a precipice very soon and then the aliens are coming right before uh the new year is up and we're going to be at war maybe not at war with them but the the governments of the world are going to say we need to unite forget about racism and sexism and transgender bathrooms we have a real threat now and it's aliens want to take us away every time there's been a pandemic every time there's been a pandy wandy alien sightings have increased tenfold the bubonic plague people start talking about aliens 1918 people talking about aliens so a lot of people think now aliens may have been the ones that dropped covid19 not the people from wuhan It sounds alien-esque.
Yes, but do not believe it when you see it, folks. So aliens did it.
COVID-19. Was aliens.
Was aliens potentially. And the aliens that we're going to fight before 2021 is over are not real.
They are government psyops. What government? Our government? Chrissy Sippe's? One world government.
Oh, it's the Illuminati.

Yeah, it's the Illuminati.

Rudy, can we interest you in joining QAnon?

Oh, you're QAnon.

We're in QAnon.

It's a new group.

Can we interest you in that in QAnon?

Do you know what QAnon is?

No.

Maybe you should go.

That's something I think to write a nice college essay on.

On Q.

Pro QAnon.

You're pro Q, okay?

What is that?

Just be pro Q and write about it.

Just say I'm pro Q. You believe in aliens? Yeah.
Yeah, kind of. That's part of it.
Okay, that's just a UFO sighting spiked dramatically during the coronavirus. Why is that? Well, because...
I saw this on Ancient Aliens where every time there's a pandemic... You sound like my dad.
My father loves Ancient Aliens. Fox News and Ancient Aliens.
That's all it That's all it is. He's like, Tucker Carlson and the UFOs.
Yes. It's funny that the same guys that are just like hardcore Republicans are also like, pyramids were built by aliens, dude.
Well, because they say like the sightings, there were no triangles. Nobody did triangles before the Egyptians did them in the pyramids.
And they say that some of the alien ships that they're seeing now are perfect triangles. But don't you think that could have just been figured out by a guy at some point? No.
You don't think some guy was just like, oh, okay. And that shape made sense? Look at that.
Yeah. They are beautiful structures.
Have you ever been there? No. I'm not going to fucking Egypt.
Why? Yuck. I'm just kidding.
I'm joking. No.
You know what's funny is they say like literally. I do want to go back.
Like half a mile now from these pyramids is a pizza hut. There's a pizza hut.
I think it's less than. I think there's one inside the third pyramid.
Pizza hut. The pyramid.
Oh, look at that. Pizza hut.
You can see the pyramid. By the way, I like like that get a cheesy stuffed crust and fucking go ahead and see the pyramids why the hell not who's gonna say no to that dude i think that's a great idea yeah that's like that reminds me of that that show uh idiot abroad carl pinking pilkington oh and gervais gervais that was my favorite bit that they did when they went to that old those old cities those ruins that were built into the wall, into the mountain sides and the palace was on one side oh wait um in i think it's like in iran right is it in iran it's in the middle it's in the middle east and he goes um and they take him to the palace and then they take him to the slums and he was like well rod will live in the slums why you wake up and look at a palace every morning why would you want want to wake up in a palace, look at the slums every fucking morning? And I was like, it actually makes so much sense.
Yeah. It's like that is what, like, I like not living fancy, rich in the Hollywood Hills.
Yeah. Because I get to look up at the mountains.
Yeah, it's beautiful. I don't want to look down at scum like me.
Ugh. Nah.
I don't want to live fancy and look down. Gross.
By the way, I did, you know, first class that I was flying in this morning, only because I didn't pay for it uh it did that thing where you get on the plane in the middle and then you split left and right oh you know that word left is first class and right is it yeah and it was kind of fun because uh there was a woman who was causing a real annoying fit at the front desk like complaining about like why she was in whatever group she was in she's an older blonde lady big hair probably had two fucking bottles of kim crawfordford Chardonnay before by 8 a.m. And she was just like, she was just being like annoying.
She's loud. It's 8.30 in the fucking morning.
And she's like, relax. And the desk person is just like, bitch.
Yeah. What do you want me to do? It's a computer.
You have one. What do you want? It's over.
And she wants me to da, da, da, whatever, whatever. Anyway, I get on the plane and then I see her get on.
And she's kind of looking fancy, like she has rich stuff on. You know when somebody looks like they have rich stuff? I don't even know, but it looks like it.
Like Pete's fancy pants. Exactly.
He looks like he has rich stuff. It turns out it's Tommy Hilfinger.
Right. And I'm on the plane, and I get up to grab my charger.
I've already been on the plane. I get up to get my charger out of my bag, and I look, and this old annoying cow doesn't make a left with us she goes down to the back of the plane i liked it that's what she gets yes for complaining and thinking that she's important people think they're important all the time no fucking special and then and then you're going to hawaii i'm going to hawaii come on i want to lay it man i cannot wait i'm going to the big island i've never been to the big island before i've've never been to Hawaii, period.
Have you been to Hawaii, period? No. Yes, it's incredible.

Yeah, is it great?

I've been a few times.

How have you never been?

Well, because I think people who live in California go there,

but for us, it's like a 12-hour thing.

Right, it's only five for us.

I'm sure there's people in LA who go to Hawaii for the weekend and come back.

I don't know about the weekend, but people do.

Oh, yeah, rich people, I guess they do.

In New York, we go to Atlantic City.

Oh, did you go with Bobby? Yeah. Last time? Also, we're going next week.
Oh, you guys are going back? Well, but Bobby's not coming. No, he's not.
Where are you guys going? Kauai. Yeah.
Kauai's great. It's like very vegetative.
I've been to Maui, Kauai. I've never been to the Big Island, though.
What's the Big Island? Hawaii. Is that like Honolulu? Where Honolulu is? No, Honolulu is Maui.
So the Big Island's called the Big Island. It's Hawaii, the Big Island.
Oh, so... But wait, so you're saying like when you fly into a place, you're like somebody's address is, I live on 1713 Pineapple Street, the Big Island.
It's actually Coconut Road. Yeah.
See, look, that's the one I'm going to, the big one, down in the bottom. Hawaii.
There you go. So Kauai, how far of a flight is from Hawaii to the last one, to Kauai? I think it's only an hour.
But so when you get on a flight, when you fly, like when you were going from Los Angeles to Hawaii. To Big Island, yeah.
Do you always have to land on the Big Island and then you take little planes from there or you can go direct? You can fly right into Honolulu. Got it.
Honolulu is on yeah that's right and maui is wailea wailea or whatever lanai is the one i want to go to got it that's where they have all the pygmy wolves that you can catch you can run out and catch you can do hunt and go seek but do you like when you go to hawaii could you have to just usually pick one island or can you go in one trip go to a lot of people will fly into the big island and you can i think you can take boats and cruises and trips to around there's cruises that go to all of them you know but which one is looks more like is in honolulu looks like just a city right like you're not really in hawaii when you go to honolulu kind of feels like shitty beverly hills got it it's kind of has like a lot of fighters like tommy hill finger stores and right kate spade it has a lot of like typical commercial shit um uh uh uh maui does too i mean i think i think kawaii has the least amount of the shit right and the big island is is the most populous so it has everything you've ever needed have you ever done stand up there at that blue pearl room or something like that no but that you know that's literally why i'm going tomorrow to do stand up no i know to do-up but but not at that place oh i've never performed in hawaii whether it's for a private event like i'm doing or for public i do know people that do that that have gone just you tomorrow too just a one-man show it's a little awkward no but who cares you just go in there and you freaking this is gonna be it there's like 15 people there's gonna be it they hand me the mic and i'm gonna go yeah hey hey hey hey hey and three guys are are just gonna be like yeah yeah but we'll have fun well fun and then you go and you'll hang out there for a few days might have to do yeah but hang out for a few days and i'm gonna go uh i'm gonna go swim with sharks which i'm excited about and hopefully uh get my wife out there and then the boat takes off great help and i'm like where'd she go yeah dude you come back yeah and then you and i can do what we always wanted to do yes just just just yeah no i think uh i know my think it's gonna be fun make it back uh-huh jasmine would fucking make it back i know she'd make it back even eight months she'd swim back she'd swim back on pregnant. She'd swim back.
She'd swim back on the back of a shark.

She'd come out of the water and be like, you motherfucker.

Yeah, Rosie Perez.

Bitch.

I swam all the way back.

Yeah, she'd swim back to New York.

What should I do when I'm in Hawaii, Rudy, this time?

Tell me what you guys are going to do.

We're going to go hiking.

Boo.

I do that here.

Diving.

Oh, I like diving.

And that's it. And that's it.
And who's going? You and Kalilah? And her sister. Her sister, yeah.
That's going to be so fun. So fun.
Do you guys get an Airbnb or stay in a hotel? I think Airbnb. Airbnb is the way to go, right? Are you staying in a hotel, Ismelly, or an Airbnb? I'm staying in a hotel.
Nice one. But I'm staying in a nice one.
Yes. One of the nicest ones.
Yes. One of the ones where, you know.
Yeah. One of the ones where you stay at it, and you're like, this is a very nice hotel.
Yeah. One of the ones where they're like, whites only.
Yeah. Yeah.
You walk in, they go, sir, you are perfect, because I am very, very white. No.
If you got a little tanny-wanny, they're like, excuse me, sir. me sir sorry and you turn you're like my name is bryce and they're like come on come on you're fine we just didn't know yeah i'm staying at a fancy pants i was in a ritz carlton uh two years ago must be 2019 it was me jazz and the two kids and i walked to the ritz carlton i walked in a little bit um ahead and i was holding the bags.
And the guy, you know, bell person came over, and then Jazz came, and she was holding both the kids' hands and some bags. And the guy said to me.
Is that your nanny? No, in front of her. He goes, okay, dad.
He goes, dad, kids, you know, he's like, you guys want a drink? He goes, and Mrs. Nanny, what would you like? And she was like, excuse me? So bad.
And because he just genuinely thought. Yeah.
And he was like, and then. I would make the same mistake.
She was like, Mrs. Nanny.
She was like, I'm married to him. I was like, now you're getting crazy.
We're dating. It's Ms.
Nanny to you. To you, bitch.
I was like, we're together. She kind of is the nanny.
Yeah. I take that back.
I take it i take it back i take it back i don't want to beat the shit out of me no she i mean she is well no her transgender uncle tt jerry is technically our nanny and our our cleaning lady is he a god mother or godmother to your kids he will be actually jazz and i discussed that today because she said we're having a second baby due july 4th and she uh america and we talked about tt jerry being the godmother and father but tt is is still a man he hasn't transitioned yet he has he has he has a he has a pishka deal but he's on estrogen uh hormone therapy right so he's getting he's getting boobies so he has boobies already and um and uh he said he never wants to cut it off because he likes he a penis. He likes feeling the ass of a man.
But wait a minute. At what point then when he's going through the transition does he become female? He doesn't want to become fully he doesn't want to cut off his peeps.
But then does he want to be called he or she? He said whatever like for example when he came and did my podcast Chrissy Chaos Tuesdays 11 a.m. Eastern Time.
listen to it it's incredible thank you he um he and also hey babe thursdays 11 a.m eastern time and uh patreon.com slash christy comedy we're gonna cut all this out go ahead thank you he uh magic spoon he um he he uh when he came in to do my podcast he was wearing um one of my sweatshirts from the Denver Comedy Works. And then when he left, he was wearing one of Jasmine's leather jackets.
So he wears – he in one day told us if he feels like a man, he comes and acts like a man. If he feels like a woman, he comes out and acts like a woman.
If you go to his Instagram, at T.O. Jerry, right? That's T.T.
Jerry. Are you doing comedy spots tonight or no? Fuck spots tonight or no fuck no no i gotta get on a plane first thing in the morning rudy do you think i look skinnier this time you look the same you do look the same but i you don't think you lost weight did you think you lost weight from the last time well i saw you how much you weigh in september how much you weigh right now maybe 225 but when was 240.
No, you weren't. Yes.
Were you really? So why doesn't anybody care about me? Well, that sweater makes you look bulky. What about on my face? You're skinnier underneath.
Your face looks the same. I don't think his face...
Did his face get... It's the same.
It's the same. Would you say you have a fatter face or a face that doesn't look fat? fat in the middle in the middle you have an a middle you have a middle face what about andrew's face thinner yes what about homeless face what about pimp's face in the middle in the middle okay who's how about how about fancy his what about his face he's a little fat in the face Yeah.
Yeah. A little fat in the face.
Okay. I love leading her in this stuff.
What about Bobby's face? Fat. Jesus Christ.
Fat. So he's fat.
So I don't have a fat face. No.
But it's in between. Andrew's face is skinny.
Well, it's thinning out because I didn't eat lunch. You know what I've noticed about? One thing I have noticed about since I've been getting a little older is literally my body i mean it feels like like pants will fit friday and they won't fit sunday if i eat bad saturday no that's a fact but but when i was in my 20s like it didn't matter it would take a month to get fat now it genuinely is in 24 hours your whole life changes well dude yesterday we ate i ate the worst meals i could have eaten and then and then rogan wanted to go out after we did the show, and he got a tomahawk steak at midnight.
Oh, my God. And you had to eat that with him? Dude, if it weren't for the HGH, he'd be dead.
Dead. How could you eat a tomahawk steak at midnight? It's insane.
Right. He was like, what are you having, a salad? I was like, yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's midnight. It's midnight.
Yeah. These guys are eating 48 ounces of fucking meat.
I was like, how can you do that? And he just gets up and he's more ripped the next morning. Honestly, yeah, more jack.
And then there was a couple of UFC fighters that were there too. And those guys are just, they're so daunting.
Dude, this one dude talked about, I'm not going to mention his name, but he talked about after he got knocked out and he didn't do, they tried to do concussion protocol and they didn't really, whether or not he had one. They didn't know.
And then five days later, he just passes out. Jeez.
And then just like walking around. Just passed out.
And he was joking about it. He was like, yeah, I smacked my head and everything.
And I was like, are you okay? And he was like, yeah, I was okay. Yeah.
Because I fell face first on concrete. Yeah.
And he talked about it like it was like you and me saying, I guess stubbed my toe. Yeah, yeah, my toe on the bench you know that i think i think i heard it maybe it was joe rogan or maybe matt sarah maybe dana white somebody was like the the thing with ufc fighting it's it's obviously the you know the muscles and the fighting technique of course important but the number one thing they need to have is fearlessness yeah they just have to be just have to be rawly just raw and yeah we that's what i did say about that f1 thing thing about those youthful drivers, those kids, the kids are the best because they don't give a shit.
They just are like, I'm not going to die. No, yeah, I know.
And if I do, fucking party on. Dude, I used to go on roller coasters all the time.
It didn't matter I'm on roller coasters. And now, you don't go to amusement parks for that long, but now the kids are old enough where they want to go.
And yesterday, we were down at the Santa Monica Pier, and my stepson was like, come on, let's go on the roller coaster because Delilah's too small and Jasmine's too pregnant, so they can't go on. And I was like, okay, let's go on.
We'll go on. That'll be the last one.
But I was trying to buy time because I was trying to work myself up, work myself up to do it. And then I ate a funnel cake a funnel cake oh yes i ate a funnel cake and i blamed the funnel cake i said oh man my stomach's killing me like we got to make like an emergency but it was all i was fine i felt great it was because i didn't want to go on the roller coaster because i was scared what if because i have a fat face thank you and a fat body what if when we're going on the roller coaster the contraption you know goes up and i fall and that's how i die and i was so scared to do that where i never would have thought about that when i was 25 but now all these things you think about like the roller coaster i was like they haven't it's you know covid protocols who knows if they i'm not worried about getting the virus but what you know they're under man they're understaffed what if this thing comes off the tracks they're probably not checking it they're you know right people are just getting benefits from good old sleepy joe biden and not coming to work so i was like you know all these things could happen and then i'm gonna be the one that dies so let me eat the funnel cake fake the diarrhea and then we'll go back home you're a wuss your kid you should have helped your kid out you're a fat funnel cake loser i love you sleepy joe sleepy joe is Joe.
Sleepy Joe is going to be, yeah,

he's probably in charge of all that stuff.

You know Kamala has to change his colostomy bag every day. Every day.

It takes out of the

poop bag and throws it out. Yes.

And then she's got to change his colostomy bag.

It's pretty crazy. God bless.

God bless Joe Biden. Let's see TT Jerry's

Instagram profile.

Now we can show up. So look at TT killing it.
And and by the way are we still doing a donation for tt's um transition yes if you want to go to uh christy comedy.com we got merch up there now we're getting new merch from the boys at killer merch nice boys at killer merch are going to design a new tt jerry shirt which will also proceeds are going to continue tt jerry on her sg replacement therapy which was stopped since she got uh out of prison The government no longer will pay for your tits if you are not in prison. I think that's insane.
They'll only give you tits if you're in jail. So she literally is contemplating.
She said – Go back. She was like, well, I feel like I should fucking be out here smoking crack again so I could go back and get my tits.
Just let her rob you guys. Well, she probably is.
Yeah. She's been cleaning the house without us there.
And I'm like, Jazz, that's a ridiculous thing to do. I mean, she did 25 years in prison for Grant Larson.
She's like, are you going to disrespect my family? I'm like, she's been cleaning the house without us there and i'm like jazz that's a ridiculous thing to do i mean she did 25 years in prison for grand larson she's like you're gonna disrespect my family i'm like she's stealing all your shit yeah but fine fuck it yeah so tt so there's tt and by the way please go please go to christycomedy.com buy some merch so we can get tt's full transition because i think that's important and look at that rumpus shot right there oh no she's got a nice nice yeah i mean look at Nice. Tushy.
Tushy. I mean, look at this one in the shorts over there.
Yeah. Looking good.
Looking good. Looking good.
She looks exactly like my girlfriend. It's a coin flip.
And it's Jazz's uncle? It's Jazz's uncle. By birth, yeah.
By birth, yeah. Dad's brother? Mom's brother.
Mom's brother. Mom's brother.
So she... That's my favorite, by the way.
Love you guys. Love you guys.
She wants to remind you guys that she loves you guys. And most of these photos taken by the homeless pimp, especially the ones in the bikini.
Pimp, great stuff. Yes.
Honestly. Let's see how some she wants to look like a guy.
She's got the mask on. Right.
So that's what I'm confused. I'm not even making a joke.
The pronoun thing is kind of wild because then you just don't know what pronoun she's going to prefer. Well, she told us.
She told us on the podcast when she came on. It was actually really a fascinating episode because she said- It she was like she was like you know you know being in jail she was like i've been transgender my whole life she's like this isn't like a movement for me she's like i always you know she's like i feel like a lot of the people now the younger kids she's like i think they're a little confused on you know this is her saying this she's like i just don't think they all really know what this life is about she's like in the pronoun stuff she's like when i walk past you she's like when i walk when i'm walking past you and it doesn't matter what i'm thinking in my head she's like when i'm walking past you if you say excuse me sir i'm turning around she's like so i'm a man she's like even though i want to be a woman i want to be looked at as women she still says she's like that pronoun bullshit she was like that shit is embedded in my brain chemistry thatded.
Deeply fried, embredded. Yeah.
Look, as far as I'm concerned, I don't give a fuck whatever people want to be called. I just do think it is kind of hard sometimes.
You're like, well, you'd have to know the person, know what they prefer. Yeah.
It's not like you can check out somebody's Twitter bio as soon as you come up to them and be like, what do you... By the way, Instagram just added that.
Did you see that? No. Literally this week, Instagram added pronouns on the profile because I went to go put up up a post or something uh or like a or edit edit the link on my post for youtube right and uh here look at this when you go to edit profile on instagram pronouns whoa what are you gonna put in put in i don't know loser yeah uh loser shit face uh yeah red cock red cock uh fire crotch ginger i know what i'm gonna put in fat face fat face fat face five you said he's a Five said he's a 5 right Fatface 5 Oh my god Will you change it to Fatface 5 Fatface 5 Fatface 5 Your next album Fatface 5 Fatface 5 Presents Chris DiStefano Yeah Are you going to do a special by the way? Well you know We've talked about it Because, we have the same agent.
We've spoken about it.

But I don't know that anybody's going to take a chance on old Chrissy Nutbag.

Take a chance on me.

Take a chance on me.

Someone's going to take a chance on you.

So Daddy's got shows coming up.

We got a bunch of shows.

ChristyComedy.com.

Hello.

We got all.

We start in Providence.

We just put a second show at the Fox Theater in Connecticut on sale. So get the tickets.
Thank you. But we may just take one of those shows because Pimp Films everything.
We may just mic the audience and do one of those and just put that special out on YouTube like our good friends Mark Norman did and Andrew Schultz and all these people. I may just do that.
But what about you? I don't really know, man. I don't really know what I want to do.
I haven't decided. I can't really make up my mind.
For now, I just want to do a bunch of live shows. By the way, the live show that I am, the show I'm doing in Hawaii for the private event is for Prince Harry.
Amazing. Yep.
He wanted a little competition. He said, come on, see if you can get my wife from me.
Yes. I said, I will.
Not another part of the royal family. I'm going to get her.
I'm going to get her. I'm going to get that briefcase girl.
I'm going to get her from the- Prince Henry. Prince Henry.
Prince Henry's saying now that- He was mad at Joe Rogan. Meghan Markle is behind all the attacks on the royal family.
Oh, I thought it was the UFO stuff. He just said, there's a headline.
I just saw one right before I came in. He said that Meghan Markle's behind it all.
Wait a minute. Yeah.
Which one's the redheaded guy? Prince Harry. You're saying Prince William, you mean? No, no, no, no, no.
He's calling out his own wife for- That's what he said. Hold on.
Really? Yeah, hold on, hold on. Oh, Albert Pujol signed with the Dodgers.
Prince Harry. He's not dropped? Prince- No.
What did we say? We took your dad to the game. We took Chris's dad to the baseball game.
Tampa Tony. And Tampa Tony.
Who looks special ed? He is so funny. Yeah, he's got the one lazy eye.
Short bus. Yeah.
But Tony was hunched over and he just goes, his dad doesn't say much, but he's such a cool dude, like such a sweet guy. Yeah.
And his dad was hunched over and I go, man, Pujols was kind of at the end of the run, huh? And your dad goes, they should have had a guy rid of him a long time ago. Yeah.
That's what, and then he the field again. Your dad is almost like Rain Man and the idea that we started talking baseball and he would just throw out facts out of nowhere.
We were talking about our favorite, from our childhood, baseball players that kids don't know. I mean, some of them know, but we were saying like, you brought up Bobby Bonilla.
And then I think I had mentioned Jose Oquendo, one of the greatest—why can't I think of the word? What's wrong with me? He can switch positions all the time. Utility players.
And your dad started rattling off numbers like in the casino. I mean, he started bobbing artistically.
Yeah. It was like, OBP, 492, 492, OBP, OBP.
I was like, oh, my God. And his eye would lazy and then he just had his pretzel and he was dipping it in the cheese sauce.
But he would just put the cheese under his eyes and then he would eat the pretzel. Tampa Tony was incredible.
Tampa Tony. But yeah, so if you saw, they pulled up an article.
What did Prince Harry say? Prince Harry is saying that, well, you had it and then you lost it. Prince Harry, Meghan Markle opened my eyes to the unhappiness.
Oh, right. He's agreeing with what she said.
Oh, he's agreeing. Oh, okay.
I'm sorry. You see how misleading the New York freaking Post is? Well, and page six is also clickbait.
Look at the New York Post. Look at the New York Post article.
They say Prince Harry suggests Meghan Markle is behind attacks on royal family. That's so funny.
It's such a lie. What does this prove to us, if anything? That the media is lying.'t believe them the aliens are psyops aliens aren't real god i wish to this day trump didn't say fake news because that people just hated him enough that they didn't take it serious and it became like a joke phrase right if if if if anybody else had coined fake news it would have still had weight to it sure because it's real it is all bullshit sure that's proof that it's like one article thinks this way the this.
Yeah. And it's all bullshit.
I want, yeah, dude. I mean, yeah.
What's your source of news, Rudy? Do you read news? Do you ever indulge in anything newsworthy? Sometimes. See, this generation doesn't give a shit.
They don't care, right? Whatever is on TikTok, kind of right? I deleted TikTok. You deleted TikTok? Why? It's annoying.
It is annoying. It is getting annoying.
That's it is getting annoying god she's way cooler than us interesting how did it feel did it feel liberating when you it felt like nothing dude she's the she's the the most she doesn't have any emotions yeah she's dead inside serial killer okay watch watch this look look look Look straight into the camera. Let's go through this.
Ready? Okay. Put on a happy face.
Put on a sad face. Put on an angry face.
I don't know. It's all the same.
Do you see what I mean? It's all the same. Yeah.
Look up people that can't express emotions. Yeah.
What is that? Is that Asperger's? Yeah, look at, I bet you the first person that pops up is Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy.
People that can't express emotion. Because Rudy doesn't know emotions.
Yeah. I love the name Rudy.
I like Rudy and Rudy. Here, let's go.
Related health conditions. Go over to the right.
Let's see. All right.
Do you have alexidemia? It's a personality trait that's characterized by the subclinical inability to identify and describe emotions based on experience by oneself. So how would you describe yourself, Rudy? How would you say you are? What kind of personality do you have? Boring.
I like to sleep. I like dogs.
This sounds like Alex Lafnaia to me. Yeah, I was going to say, you're connecting things that don't make sense.
It sounds like Alex Lafnaia with a bit of Tourette's. Okay, go to the next one what does that say go to the next one so addd hyper do you have attention deficit disorder do you take adderall no so you don't have addd you don't have addd okay that's fine well it could i think it's that one it's alexithmia you have alex how do we say that alexemia all about alexithmia alexithmia and by the, we don't want to offend the alexithmia community right now, by the way.
Alexithmia isn't well understood. There's a possibility.
It'll go up, Pete, right there. Oh, links to autism.
Got it. Boom.
There's a possibility it might be genetic. The conditions also be a result of brain damage to the insula.
Have you ever had brain damage, Rudy? No. You sure you've never had damage to the insula? insula i don't think were you ever punched as a kid or dropped or hit i got a knock on your head that's how that's how you know that sounds like such a our generation dad thing yeah you your head is fine let it knock on the head around a little bit knock on the head you find out yeah it does say emotions and depression it's linked with depression do you have depression you sleep all the time.
You're bored. You're bored.
You're angry. You're mad.
You're sad. You love knives.
You've thought about death a lot. Rudy, I think you're an owl.
I think you have alexithmia. Go up again.
Alexa? Alexa. Alexa, what is it? It's called alexith...
How can, who can do that? Alexith that? Fancy, say it. Alexithmia.
Sounds like from Spain. It's so nice.
Alexithmia. Why do they lick so much the air? The Spanish? Yeah, what is that about? I know that I'm sure people have beat this to death, but I do want to know, Fancy, why do Spanish people have that lisp? What is it? Do we know why? What is it, Fancy? We can distinguish between letters and sounds.
So we have the S and the T. It's two different sounds.
He's being fucking condescending as shit. He's being a little condescending.
Don't forget that this country has bailed you out of everything since the beginning of anything. Yeah.
All right? Origins of the Lisp of Spain. Now, say the Lisp of Spain.
Lisp. If you study Spanish long enough, sooner or later, you'll want to kill yourself.
What is that? Why does it say that? Sooner or later, you'll hear a tale about Spanish King Ferdinand. Got it.
He supposedly spoke with a lisp, causing Spaniards to imitate him, pronouncing the Z and sometimes the C to be pronounced with a S and the S. So they copied the king.
Fin. That's how fucking, that's how lack of any sort of like, you know, personal integrity the Spanish have.
They just copied the king. Well, everything, all like even curse words all come from the king.
Like that's what fuck means. You know what fuck means.
I've heard this, but this has also been debunked over the years. No, I've heard that it's's real the fornication under the consent of the king yes i've been this has been debunked many times because there's a there is a we're gonna go into history dive you and i yeah i always make it happen you can say do etymology of fuck he won't know how to spell etymology let's give a shot oh yes he did wow yes he did so that that thing under the consent of the king I've heard, but also there is a word that is Latin that they think it suggests it might come from as well.
This article is definitely not good. Well, there you go.
Attested from earliest 16 COED, second edition of the forms of Fukit, and the earliest attested appearance of current spelling, 1553. Presumably it's more ancient words.
See, it's a more ancient word, but we don't know. Oh, okay.
Okay. We don't really know.
Well, we don't really know. Oh, look at that, though.
Buck cites proper name John LeFucker from 1278. Dude, John LeFucker.
John LeFucker. Pardon, pardon, pardon, pardon.
What is your name? John LeFucker. I would love to hang out with John LeFucker.
Who is this, pardon, pardon. Huh? What is your name?

John LeFucker.

I would love to hang out with John LeFucker.

Who is this guy?

Let's look up John LeFucker.

Look at John LeFucker.

No, that's not.

There's going to be no images of him.

It was from the fucking 1200s.

Go to all.

There he is.

There's John LeFucker.

John LeFucker.

Yeah.

He's living literally near my house.

This guy lives on the bridge.

Go to all.

Go back to all because I want to read his Wikipedia.

John LaFucker.

Here we go.

Right there.

Click on that. Was an Englishman.

Zoom in.

He was an Englishman who what?

Who appears in the administrative record of 1278 who has attracted attention and unusual

surname.

Ah, his name has been proposed as incorporating the earliest recorded instance of the English

swear word fuck, but this interpretation has been challenged.

See, no one. I'm sorry, Rudy.
I said I wouldn't, but because you said I had a fat face, I just wanted to get you back one time. No, I'm used to it.
Okay, sorry. It's so gross.
Have you ever farted in front of the team? You farted in here once. No.
Yes, I think we caught you once. No.
Yes, Rudy. Yes, we did.
Yes, we did. Remember Fancy? Because she went like this.
She was like. She coughed.
You did fart in front of us one time. No.
Yes, look at she's embarrassed now. Fine.
No. I'll stop.
No, Filipino, they don't. They don't fart.
Very small butts. And very small buttholes.
John LaFucker, by the way, is not real. He's got to be real.
I mean, it was a guy, but, you know, it's just not. He didn't do anything.
Ah, LeFucker. LeFucker.
LeFucker. He was an Englishman, oddly enough, so it's not.
It was John LeFucker. Hey, I'm John LeFucker.
Isn't that your friend, John LeFucker? John Joan LaFucka. Hello, Joan LaFucka it is.
It's a great name. Hello, hello, hello.
Joan LaFucka. If your kid is born on the 4th of July, you're going to name it America or Stars and Stripes or Guns or...
Donald. Donald.
Donnie. Donnie.
No, if it's a girl, Melania. If it's a guy, Donald.
Nah, we're going to name her Betsy Ross.

Do you have a name picked?

You can't say it on the air, I'm sure. No, no.

No, why couldn't we?

Are you not allowed to say that?

I think women have a thing with saying the name.

It's a little bit of a jinx.

Oh, okay.

So then I guess...

I don't know.

If Jazz might get mad, it's on you.

Okay.

You'll get the...

All right.

Yeah.

No, we were going to name... You've never said it on the other pods.
Have i said it already on the other pod oh you have oh you idiot did you tell jazz about that yeah jazz knows oh jazz doesn't know okay so we won't say it then yeah i'm gonna name her rudy it is a very pretty name rudy and ruby ruby's a very pretty name but neither are her real name her real name is juliana why so why do they call her her Rudy? Rudy Giuliani. Juliana's a beautiful name too.
I like Juliana. Juliana is a beautiful name.
She doesn't like it. But we can't name that because there's already a baby Julie in my family.
So we can't do that. But Juliana.
Did they call you Julie when you were a kid? Yen. Same, same, same, I guess.
Same, same. That's like, did they call you Mark? It was like, no, they call me steven you're like oh right yeah yes it's just same thing yeah wait yen yen isn't that chinese money man the chinese are taking over everything everything no isn't even a filipino's names i think a dollar is a chinese yen yeah yeah yeah what is it what is yen what is yan i don't know my aunt just said that and then it just started my nickname.
But now do people in your family call you Rudy or only known as Rudy on this podcast? Yeah, only here. Only here.
Do you like it? I'm getting used to it. Will you write a book one day because you have felt like you've been pressured into doing things on the show? No.
She has always opted out of anything she didn't want to do on the show or be a part of. She's always been the control of her own universe.
Isn't that right, Rude? Isn't that right, Rudy? Yes. Rudy.
See how that works? Yeah, Rudy. Just tell her what to do.
She has to do it. She's got to say what she has to say into the camera.
I want her to take more control. Let's close the show strong with Rudy.
No, I don't want to go. All right, we'll stay.
I got to go. You do.
You got to go to Dinsky Doodles. I got to go to Dinsky Doodles.
We didn't get in any resis. No? No reservations.
Well, it's Saturday. I know.
I always think I'm always at like six o'clock. Like, hey, you got to party for nine at 645? Yeah.
No chance. They're like, no.
They're like, yeah, sure. On the roof.
Yeah. You want to sit up by the air conditioning unit where the cooks smoke? Yeah.
We're going to go to Malibu first and take family portraits on El Matador Beach. Today? With homeless pimpy.
Today? Yeah, because of sunset. If it is, you got to get out of here.
No, but sunset. We want to do sunset.
Oh, sunset. You got a couple hours.
Yeah. You got hours.
Yeah. And then we're going to go to a restaurant, though.
Do you know Caitlyn Jenner is running for mayor of Los Angeles?

Do you know that I'm trying to move things around where I can get a legal Los Angeles address to give her a vote?

Governor.

Republican.

Got my vote.

Okay, so here's what's crazy.

She's running as a Republican.

She's always been a Republican.

She's against gay marriage.

Where do we live? I love it she's a transgendered famous person who's against a part of a community that she is a part of right lgbtqia or what is it now it's lgbtqia whatever and i mean i'm not saying this in a disrespectful manner obviously i don't know all the acronyms now because they've just added some new. She's a part of this community and she's against it.
Yeah. That's the craziest shit I've ever heard in my fucking...
I don't care that she's a Republican. I'm not saying that means as much.
I'm saying, how can you be against gay marriage? I don't understand. Yeah.
By the way, I don't understand that as someone who isn't trans. I don't know.
I don't give a fuck if gay guys want to get gay women. Who? I don't want to go to your wedding at all.

Yeah.

I don't want to go to a heterosexual wedding.

They're fucking annoying.

Annoying.

I'm going to another.

I got to go to another one.

Yeah.

I got to go to another one and I'm dreading it.

Yeah.

By the way, you want to ban gay marriage?

Ban straight marriage too.

Yes.

Ban all marriage.

Yes.

I'm in.

Fine.

Yes.

Yes.

Ban all marriage.

Ban all marriage.

Ban all marriage. Get rid of marriage.
It's insane. Yeah.
You never want to get married right yeah she said that she's smart good i don't know how could against against other people doing stuff what kind of fucking bananas nonsense is that that you're like i don't like that those people want to do something no it's ridiculous mind your own business you idiot anyway uh i, I'm still going to vote for her.

Yes.

Yeah, of course.

I vote.

No, I do think she'll probably win.

I genuinely mean that.

I think she will just because of popularity.

For me, it's three R's.

Red.

Right.

Republican.

Google Caitlyn Jenner.

I want to see her.

Does she have a government website?

I'm running for... You know what I mean? You know sometimes they do that yeah like a campaign website yeah that's what it is let's see and by the way we're going to get you out of here no it's okay I think Caitlyn Jenner's hot I like her as a woman a lot yeah not as a man oh see look there it is Caitlyn for California Caitlyn needs an honest leader with a clear...
California needs...

Sorry.

California needs an honest leader with a clear vision.

Our campaign will be powered by everyday Californians who deserve leadership and accountable

to them.

So look at this.

The donate box, 50 is jumping at you.

It's saying...

Pick me.

Pick me.

Please.

Please.

Don't do five.

Don't do 25.

Do 50.

Let's donate to her.

I'd give her...

Look at that number.

Look at how weird this number is.

525, 50, 100, 500, 1,000, 25 50 100 500 1000 5000 10 000 and then 32 400 who fucked up on the website is that is that like a number she needs left that's like that's that's all we need to pay off this gambling debt yeah yeah i can't believe baylor won this doesn't make any fucking sense should we give her should we give her 25 what do you want to make this a monthly reoccurring donation so make it monthly and just do the 32 400 yeah let's do it all right so we remember the planets now just for a recap what were the planets go ahead remember remember the acronym my very er. My very erotic mother.
Who? No, not who. Okay, guess who? Remember? No, my very erotic mother.
Something just suck nice. Suck suck nice and the last P for pussy should we have him take us out no yeah let's have you because you're a guest of the episode okay so then what's the thing we always say thank you for being a bad friend together but I want you to kind of look in your single and end it the way you want to end it and then you have to say at the very end of whatever you're We always say thank you for being a bad friend together.
Okay. But I want you to kind of look in your single and end it the way you want to end it.
And then you have to say at the very end of whatever you're going to say, thank you for being a bad friend. Okay.
So thank you. Okay.
Got it. Got it.
Got it. Okay.
I appreciate, Andrew, I appreciate you allowing me the chance to fill in. So I'm going to fill you up right after um rudy it was a pleasure to be uh talked down to by you and also andres to be talked down to by you i will uh be calling immigration and um i just and wait how do we end it again thank you for being a bad guy okay and um of course as always i'd like to look right in the camera and tell you that QAnon is still accepting members.

QAnon is still accepting members.

And that's all I have to say.

And Bobby Lee, if you don't come back, I'm going to take your job.

Yep.

Because your people have been taking mine.

So now we're taking yours.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Yay! I'm a guy, right? Yeah.
And I work at like a liquor store in New York. Correct.
Okay. In Harlem.
So yeah, I'm logging out. I'm closing the store.
It's not a 24-hour place right so i'm locking everything up right and it shows me like just walking with my backpack to my little squalor house i have a really i live in the basement somewhere in chinatown you live in chinatown why does it okay anyway i'm chinese it just feels right i'm chinese for this movie or chinese okay Yeah, okay. I'll be Chinese for this.
I'll be black in the movie. We'll rewrite it.
We'll rewrite it. We'll rewrite it.
You live in the basement of a Chinese food store. Chinese food store.
And it just shows me a little montage of me cooking some ramen, putting some ramen in it. Rat runs by.
Rat runs by. And a really rickety table sitting there.
I'm slurping on the ramen. I'm watching something on TV, the news or something, right? Rabbity or TV.
Right. I'm by this really rickety table.
Yeah. Right.
Sitting there. I'm slurping on the ramen.

I'm watching something on TV, the news or something.

Right.

Rabbit or TV.

Right.

There's a cut scene where I'm just kind of reading a book on a mat.

That's where I sleep.

On the floor?

Yeah.

I know. This guy is so sad.

So sad.

Right.

And then I plug in my iPhone or whatever.

I have a phone.

Right.

Samsung.

Samsung.

Okay.

Got to be Samsung. All right.
Samsung. I plug in my Samsung.
right? Samsung. Samsung.
Okay. Gotta be Samsung?

Alright, Samsung.

I plug in my Samsung. Chinatown.
Right, right, right.

Does it matter what kind of TV I'm looking at? Toshiba.

Toshiba?

Toshiba. Yeah, yeah.

A tube TV, no less. Like an old tube,

not a flat screen. Okay, so I assume

just by your thinking, I'm wearing a kimono.

100%.

What else would you be wearing at your house?

So just, all right.

Out in public, you have street clothes.

All right.

Kimono, I have a sword.

A sword.

And your hair is in a bun.

Must be.

And what's in it?

What's holding your hair up?

A chopsticks.

Chopsticks, that's correct.

Oh, you racist fuck. All right.
Come on, come on. Let's get back to where we want to be.
All right, so I'm... For some reason.
For some reason. For some reason, I'm wearing regular clothes.
You're wearing regular clothes at the liquor store. But when I get home, there's got to even Montossi where I put the cupola on it.
I put the chopsticks

in my hair.

People will love it.

People will love it.

I have a Samsung

Toshiba.

Samsung phone

or Toshiba TV.

TV, right?

Right.

Oh, shit, right?

Okay, so you're

slurping your nose.

Right, right.

Then you lay on your mat.

I lay on my

bamboo mat.

Your bamboo mat.

Bamboo mat, right?

Yeah.

Right, and then I

wake up

on an island. You wake up crawling out of sand.
Crawling mat, right? Yeah. Right.
And then I wake up on an island.

You wake up crawling out of sand.

Crawling out of sand.

Yes.

Naked.

Butt naked.

Butt naked.

Yeah.

Right.

How about, how about, I still have the chopsticks in my hair.

Oh, yeah.