Are We Really Friends? w/ Erik Griffin

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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. I missed you, man.
Did you? I think so. Whatever, Bobby.
No, no. I honestly, I think so.
Whatever, Bobby. Just stop.
Just stop it. Wait, wait.
Stop. Before you came in here, dude.
Uh-huh. Before you came in here, I was talking to the guys and Julianne, I could, Rudy can attest to it.
Is this true? That I'm going internal. Okay.
I'm going internal with my life. You seem different.
Yeah, I'm going internal. And when I'm trying to do is- It took you to 50 to try to be a good person.
I'm 49. This is cool.
49. All right.
I'm going internal, and I'm trying to not be such a bully. Not to be- I joke aggressively, and I'm trying to- You joke from a place of insecurity, but go ahead.
I'm going to let that- You know what? I'm going to let that slide. What? Because my old self would have fought back.
My old self would have been like, I disagree or whatever. Can I tell you the difference already? The last time I came here, the first thing you said when you came in is you insulted me.
Yeah. You insulted me and you were attacking me.
Yeah. This time you said, hey, you look good.
And it was hard for you hard for you to say i could tell it was hard but that was you making an effort and i appreciate it it's it was so hard yeah i know i could tell it was like it was like they asked me to um speak at like the rnc convention right and you gotta be pro-trump and you gotta say the speech yeah it's like it just goes against everything that i believe in but. Because if they paid you, you'd do it.
No, they wouldn't. I wouldn't.
Okay. You know what? Maybe you're right.
You know what? Maybe you're right, dude. No, I'm not arguing.
I'm not arguing. Maybe you're right.
I mean, you did the dictator. You know what I mean? Okay.
Okay. You know what I mean? You know what it is? I'm just testing you.
I want to see if I can make you crack.

Yeah, you're not going to make me crack today.

I agree.

If the real you can come back.

I agree with you, man.

Are we going to call this like, you know, toenail clipper brothers?

So we could.

Very good.

Do you feel a sense of betrayal from Steve?

No, not at all.

Listen.

Yeah.

Not at all.

I tweeted about them.

I'm happy.

I mean, you know.

I think they're a good combination.

Yeah, they're both insane.

You know what I mean?

No, they're not insane.

They're both the same kind of person.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know?

I agree.

They're, um, I don't want to say it.

I'm not going to say it.

What, you're not going to say it?

Just say it.

No, I don't want to say it.

It's a safe space.

It's my brother.

You've said worse.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You think because it's your brother that somehow.

They have the same kind of insecurities.

Yes, I agree.

Is what I'm saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And them together, they can just feed off each other.

And also, they feel comfortable with each other.

Yeah, they do.

Yeah.

I know.

You look so good, man.

They try.

I'm happy for them.

You look good, I said.

I know.

I don't believe you, so I'm just like, whatever.

I'm trying, dude. I'm down 40 pounds and body fat.
You look good. You look good.
Thank you. Okay, thank you.
Let's start then. This is so great.
You're not going to. Let me just say something.
Let me. I want to be very.
You're Asian, bro. No, no, no.
I want to say something. Normally, I would say.
You're so Asian. Normally, I would say you have a big, fat, black head, and that wouldn't fit on it, on it so I like how he said it anyway I normally would have said that but let me finish I'm just saying that they made that too small hey welcome to Bad Friends give Eric Griffin a round of applause he's here you know what I wanted to do I wanted to come here one time and call it No Friends.
Are we? I mean, let's... And I would be here, like, no one's there.
It's just me being... That's funny.
No one's there, being No Friends, you know. Like, we almost called our podcast Riffin Without Griffin.
Which is, by the way, hilarious. I laughed so hard when I saw that.
If we would have called it that, would you have been angry? Well, first of all, you wouldn of all you wouldn't have called it i know but because your ego wouldn't have allowed to just have griffin in the name without you yeah but it would have been i think it would have been hurtful no at the time though at i'm okay my tone my tone i get at the time though right you i had promised you because remember you and i went to atc i know brother we drove to atc before andrew was even in the mix i know we met with al magical can i tell you something this is the only reason why i was upset that was it it was because you weren't up front with me we already went over this but i'm just saying all these things i keep hearing about this is like i am not i you guys are still my friends you think i don't I'm mad at you or something like that no I don't care I don't really care but my point I know but here's what I want to I want to get to the point of uh-huh right um and that's and that was my honest thing um I want to just get to the I want to be my energies I want to get to the point where um I don't think that none of us are real friends. Why would you say that? Let me just think – let's go down this path for a second.
Oh, please, please. Because at the – here's – First define – how about this? Before you go down this path, define what a friend is to you.
A friend is what I feel toward Kalilah. Oh.
No, no, no, no, no, no no aside from the sexual you know i mean energy and and and and the stuff right just in terms of like um uh i trust her with my money okay i trust her with um if i tell her a secret i just know that she'll keep it i trust trust her with just certain things that I would trust my brother with. It's just like this deeper understanding.
Okay, but how did you get there, though? Because we just – I don't know how we got there. We just did.
Time. That's how you got there.
I've known you for fucking longer. I understand that.
So you're the only person on the other side of this that thinks the way you think. No, this point of view though real quick I just wanted to hear what you thought a friend was so now I get it so it's like so before we were born you were born right and I was hatched is that what you want me to say or arrived there was a beam of light you? You know what I mean? There was a beam of light.

You act like you're like a normal Korean looking.

I am very normal.

What are you talking about?

Dude, if you didn't know me, right,

and you put my face next to 50 other Korean dudes,

you'd be like, oh, yeah.

No, you would look like,

remember how the Cabbage Patch dolls looked?

Remember how they had a really fat head and the body?

You look like that. It's like a compact version of.
It's more of a garbage pill kid. Yeah.
Yeah. Steve looks more like a Korean.
Like he. Whatever.
What do I look like then? Whatever gene got to you. Go ahead.
Be mean. I'm not being mean.
What do I look like? What do I look like? Tell me what I look like. I'm just saying we both came from the same planet.
Okay don't act like you're all cute all right thank you go ahead all right so um you look like i've already heard on like radio shows and whatever because people are sending me clips of you talking shit about me for no reason okay i apologize do you i do okay now go on with my please tell me why you think we're not friends no we are friends no no no you just said we weren't you said we're not really friends did you say that i'm going internal guys okay can i go internal go ahead right so um i was thinking about this it's like you know you're born you know you you're you grew up in you know a town you did right yeah okay? Yeah. Do you think I was in a colony or some kind of thing? I don't know where you're from, man.
I don't know anything about you. I'm from LA.
So you're from LA, the city. Okay, thank you.
And then you have your neighborhood friends. You have to become friends with the people that are in your environment, right? but that's where you start in the day in we didn't have no internet or anything so it's like yeah right so you you go to school and you see i don't know how many people were in your class but i had like 300 people in my class you started a neighborhood right your neighborhood first yeah yeah right right like i had a buddy across the street marius yeah buddy and you have like oliver that lives you know i mean two streets yeah right right exactly frank and then like frank is into like you know i mean he eats tree bark so you're like i don't know about frank but oliver seems normal so then you just forced yeah yeah yeah to be friends with oliver right because there's no one else there's no one else right you don't want to walk two or three blocks your parents wouldn't even let you let you.
You're just stuck with whoever's living there. Right.
And then you go to school. I had about 300 people in my class.
And then you have this. This is basically, you know what I mean, a pool of people.
Yeah. And you go, which one? Those are your Facebook friends.
Right. They're right there.
But because – and then you get older. You move out.
And the world opens up. Right.
And then the internet, obviously. and then all of a sudden you know you have then you then you follow then you discover the thing that you're gonna do for the rest of your life okay you know i mean is stand up okay right for you uh-huh and then all of a sudden you know you're amongst a smaller group of people.
Like you're back in school. Mm-hmm.
And then you're picking amongst like, you know, if I've met like at the comedy, how many regulars do you think we have? I don't know. Let's say 200 paid regulars.
Oof. Okay.
You know, some of them don't get spots. Mm-hmm.
There's probably a thousand. Yeah.
Wow. That's actually a good question to think about.
Yeah. I think the regular at the comedy store is almost like a U.S.
president. There's not that many.
I know. But there's also like, what are you Googling? They're not going to have that listed.
They're going to have that listed, man? Well, they might. Look at that.
Paid regulars comedy store. Maybe there's a list.
I've never thought to even look at this. Paid Regulars.
Oh, there you go. Oh, there is a list.
Wow. Oh, my God.
What a stupid way to do the list. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go all the way down. Go all the way down.
That looks like about 1,000. Just count down and across.
That looks about 1,000 names. Could be.
Right? Yeah. But I see Lenny Schultz.
Never seen him. Yeah, yeah.
There's a lot of people on there. If I'm not on there, I'm going to break this.
I see your name right there. Bobby Lee, Jody Miller.
Okay, okay. Yeah.
Karen Haber, Bobby Lee. Yeah, but you got like, look at the list.
Harry Basil. You know who he is? Yeah, yeah, Harry.
Yeah, I love Harry. Yeah, yeah.
But Harry, once in the last, I've never seen him. He's a club owner now.
Yeah, yeah. And then you have.
Melrose Larry Green. Don't know who that is.
You have Kelly Rogers. Have you heard of her? The fat doctor.
Maybe we both need to go to that guy. That was you.
See, I knew it. You see what I'm saying? You see him? I was going to count down.
I was going to count down. I saw that one.
I was like, let me see how fat. He was so quick.
It was like, look out. I said fat.
I didn't even get to finish fat. He was like, that's you.
Unbelievable. That's what they call you.
You don't know that? Oh, Bobby. They call you the fat doctor.
Okay, okay. Anyway, all right.
Take that off, please. Spanky Hayes.
Yeah. Charlie Hill.
Yeah, so most of these people we don't even know. You know Spanky Hayes? No.
Oh, I love Spanky Hayes. All right.
Spanky Hayes is a little. I'm being real.
Spanky Hayes is this little black kid. He's my height.

Shaved head.

Same body type.

Right?

And him and I, back in the...

We were open micers together.

And him and I wrote a movie.

Back then.

It was called War Babies.

War Babies?

Yeah.

So basically we're brothers, but we're like...

So how did you betray him?

Did you do the movie instead With like a white guy Woo You know when you laugh You look like you have no fur teeth Here we go It's cause I need a mustache On this lip I think that's what it is That's what's fucked up Yeah my lip is like Please grow facial hair I'm doing hair. I'm doing it.
It's coming back. It looks so weird.
Yeah, it's just not, you know. Let's start over.
No, no, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby. Let's start over.
No, I want to continue with this. All right.
Look, you start with, look, you go to middle school. You have those friends.
You don't keep in touch with them. You go to high school.
You have some high school buds. You sort of keep in contact with them more than you keep in contact with anyone else but you go to college if you go to college all right and those are some people that you know you have some similar interests but for us like in your entertainers like you whatever you do if you started working and then you started doing entertainment look there's a class of people you start with you have these open mic people but what happens is once you start to surpass them it's hard to keep in contact with them it's hard to stay friends with that's what i'm saying okay because that's that's exactly thank you so much yeah okay fat doctor um thank you the doctor has spoken so um what that's exactly what i'm saying because there was a lot of guys that open mics with That we would like Create stuff with And all of a sudden You're like You become a paid regular And then they're here And then all of a sudden You get TV spots They're still here And all of a sudden You run into them And then you're hanging out with All of a sudden What happens is You start getting shit And then the cooler ones Or the ones that you perceive to be cooler, which is so shallow.

Think about it.

So shallow.

Like a jazzle neck will go, what's up?

And you go, me?

Right?

You talking to me?

Right?

And all of a sudden, this guy that you were in open mics with, right, you just start drifting apart.

Are you still friends with the guys you started with? No. Exactly.
Not really. What happened? Well, it's just, again, you move on.
Your life, your life. But does that make us shallow? No, I don't know if it necessarily makes you shallow so much as it makes you like, you need to be around like-minded people sometimes.
In the same way that like Chappelle, Chris Rock, and those type people you know they they can sit around and have conversations about oh man you know yeah we made 20 million from netflix but i hate when netflix does this thing and they can complain about that i'm going to say something embarrassing that happened to me so i was doing that game show game on so i'm standing there with this this showed me where I was at in show business, all right? So I'm standing there with Keegan, you know, Michael Key. Yeah.
And Keegan, we were just talking or whatever, and then all of a sudden, where we shot our Game On, next to it was that Cedric show. What's that called? Neighborhood.
Neighborhood. The Neighborhood.
Yeah. Still on the air.
Yeah. Insane.
Absolutely insane. Just get me on to something like that So Cedric's walking down this lot And Keegan goes Come on Let's go say hi to Cedric And I go In my head I start running with him But as I'm running Keegan's running I'm running right in my head I'm like I don't know right I'm running with him like this right and they embrace it was as if they had served in Vietnam together you know Charlie Frank you know what I mean and they just hugged right and i go i tapped cedric because i'm there what am i gonna do right so i go what's up right he goes no that's all he said he goes okay he goes no i got one for you yeah tell you what happened to me okay i'm i'm Okay.
I'm having brunch. I'm having brunch with Gerard Carmichael.
Love him. Okay? Love Gerard.
All right? He has got it. Like, I just saw him in New York, and I was like, hey, Q, we want to have dinner tomorrow? And he's like, hi, Mike, but I'm having a meeting with Robert Downey Jr.
I'm not sure if it's... And I was like, of course you are.
Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Anyway, we're having brunch. Up walks Jamie Foxx, okay, okay with a couple people jamie fox is like talking to gerard yeah he's just like oh man his show was on the air at the time yeah he's going in and in and in they're talking i'm chiming in when i can yeah whatever and then jamie fox goes well let me get you let me get you let me get your number to draw it.
To draw it. They want to exchange numbers.
Yeah, yeah. Jamie Foxx looks at me

as if I'm supposed to get the number for Gerard. You're the assistant.
Yeah. You're the assistant.
He looked at me like I was one of his dudes that's just around. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I was like, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like, really? it's it's so i totally get what you're saying yeah but let's extrapolate this further okay because this is what i'm really getting from this right okay you think you shouldn't be my friend anymore that's what it is are you out of your control yeah yeah you is your mind no no you you think that like you're

now you out of control and cedric and so this is why you don't want to you don't you think that like somehow you're not supposed to be friends with me is your mind mental right now or what oh come on let's be let's be real let's just be honest about it let me see something this is why you give me that give me that this is why you wanted to be with this guy give me that You were like, you know what, know what Andrew he's more famous and so this will probably be a better matchup I'll make a point give me the mask and be better for you in the long run that's how you thought about it this is my relationship with Andrew give me the mask just watch this this one gesture this one gesture will tell you the relationship I have with the guy. Ready? I love him.
Bobby, you build friendships over time and experience. We had our experience together.
We went to the Middle East. We dealt with all that.
And then when we came back, we we've had these experiences we go eat when we can we we've had these conversations we've done these podcasts you're my friend for life we did it yeah but bobby you don't i don't think you really believe that or you don't act like that no matter what i do all right no matter what it no matter how many times i try to like let you know hey man i'm your friend i'm here for you you still somehow you just don't want to believe it like you feel like at some point i'm going to pull a knife out and stab you in the back you know and i don't get where you get that from you know maybe it's from your lifelong experiences you have with people so you have to like so the only way to really be your friend is i have to live with you and start a podcast with you and like you know take care of you bring my family around to you know to watch you secretly you know what i mean is this the only way that you can have a close friend that's what i'm getting at what i'm getting is i love you oh god i mean you're impossible no go go go coming down going down this path that's where I was going Is it? I love you so much Oh my god Do you? Yeah I do Can I tell you something? Let me ask you You're getting me so fucking mad now You're getting me so fucking mad Let me see something right now Fuck you because i'm going to tell you this right now all right that whenever right like this fucking situation right whenever andrew's like you know we gotta get another guy and i go i always throw out one or two people right you're always either one or two it's either my brother or you why fucked hard the reason why fucked hard is there a proof of this all right yeah all right dr this alright fat doctor fat doctor sorry I don't want to fuck up your stage name is because I love you and I believe that we have good chemistry together we're very funny together you know what the best time I that you remember my cousin had the movie my cousin's husband had the movie yeah EJ EJ I still work with him okay he hasn't called me since the movie but that really infuriates me by the way um so you know my cousin's husband uh is a producer yeah so he goes I did this independent movie Sean Austin's in it right they changed the name. What's it called? I don't know what it's called yet.
They changed the name. It was supposed to be something games, but they changed the name.
It's about to come out. It was good.
It's going to be called... It doesn't matter because no one's going to ever see it.
It will. Okay.
But I'm kidding. It's a great movie, and I love you, EJ.
Hence why your cousin's husband doesn't call you but go on so that day we worked one day right yeah and I vividly remember that day I remember going wow I've never been on a set you know what I mean with somebody that I'm this close to yeah I really wish we would have got every time I think, man. Now, let's go back to Superstore.
That could have been us. You tested for Superstore, right? Yes.
I got pinned. And when you...
So what I'm saying is that... You know what? They wanted someone to be gay for that role.
And that's fine. Yeah.
They can choose want to. But I did want to be on a show with you.
That was my dream. But whenever I get on a show it just gets cancelled right away.
I know. What do you mean I know? Well I mean...
I know. Hear that magic touch.
No, Bobby. Look.
Let's get back to it. No, no.
Here's the thing, man. It's okay.
Here's the thing. I think we're going down a really weird road.
No, we're not. We're going down a weird road.
Let's go different. Did you see Mortal Kombat? No, we'll get to that.
Here's the thing. So one day we're playing.
I'm playing video games. You hit me up.
Yo, what are you doing? Because you only hit me up when like you you have somebody somebody you need three to do your rebirth islands you're like who can we okay let's see if eric i'm i'm already playing with someone and this this is how you always respond does he have more credits than me is he more powerful than me in hollywood that's what you think makes like i wish you'd have said that that's this is how you are you did time. I wish you had said that.
You go, does he have more credits to me? And I go, what do I say? I go, Bobby, it doesn't matter. This is my friend.
I'm sorry. Can I just say – Could that been a joke? You know it wasn't because you say that all the time.
I know. I do it as a joke, a runner.
Is it? Yeah. It's called the callback runner joke.
Is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the point is.
Yeah. I'm blushing now.
You know, that is something I said. Are you blushing with me? Because it feels like I'm blushing.
It's like when I poked. I told you I poked the director in the stomach.
What? Yeah, so I was. In Hungary? No, no, no.
Years ago, I auditioned for this movie. And I did a good one.
And the director was chubby right I know I fucked up and you know how like after the audition tell me you didn't make like the marshmallow I did something worse so you know right after when you're done with the audition you just leave right but every once in a while something magical happens where they go stay and when they say stay they want to they ask more questions about you and you know at that point you're they want to know how you're like what you're like so that you know when you're on set they can feel you know i mean comfortable with you so you go tell me about yourself and i'm in my head i'm like i got this uh Right? How'd you fuck it up? And I was really close to him.

Like, we were, like, really close.

And we're, like, laughing about something, right?

And during, we both had this laugh.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Right?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

And I went fatty.

And I poked him in the tummy.

Right?

I go fat like this.

And he goes, thank you. And as i turned around and i left right sweat fear and just regret just like what is wrong with you well that's just being too familiar you know what it is that's the comic that's yeah it's the comedian like we don't know how to turn that off in regular society that's what i'm saying one time I was at the Iron Man premiere holy shit this guy with Jamie Foxx and the Iron Man I don't know why you didn't go I never get invited to anything Ahmed invited me to this so we're at the Iron Man premiere I want to talk about that guy we're at this party and it was fancy ass party because't know robert darnley jr i didn't even know none of this at the time that he was the star so everybody was there all right it was like just big thing this is a long time ago yeah a long time ago it's crowded man yeah okay i turn and p diddy literally bobby he's this close to me like this and i turned and his face was like this.
In my mind, I wanted to... You know? Just to be like, oh, I kissed P.
Diddy. I wanted to be the kiss bandit.
Just a real quick... And I had that impulse, but I said, oh, don't do that.
What are you doing? But it's that kind of comedian thing. You're just in a moment, you just want to do something like...
And you think, right? And then you get that response. When people go, what when people go what the fuck is wrong with you it's basically what sometimes your gut yeah you have to go against your yes right and you can't you don't know which one is right right so you go so i should when before i did that i should have said ah maybe i think it's an 80 20 right 80 to go bad right if it was a 90 10 90 positive right i have done it.
But that was like a 90-10 the other way. But I know in your head you think if he likes this, this is going to be the...
I'm in. He's going to write three movies.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's going to be a series of movies.
You're going to be his Clint Howard to Ron Howard. You know what I mean? It just didn't go well.
It didn't go well. I know exactly what you're saying.
You have these moments and you just go, oh, I don't know why I fucking did that. Yeah.
Oh, I have another one for you when you talk about, all right, so this is just what happened in New York, right? You know, so, first of all, Ray Romano calls me when I'm in the hotel. I know I'm going to hear from him because he's the freaking director, right? How did you audition for it? I auditioned for it.
I just auditioned on tape and then like like two months later i get to part you know what i mean oh great you know because i just read for something two days ago and already today i woke up going i didn't get it no no no it takes a lot it takes only because too they don't know what how they're going to shoot with all these stupid covid restrictions right right so he calls me i'm geeking out i don't know why but i just am legend it's fucking a legend legend and his voice is so distinct right he invites me out he goes yo we're gonna go to gonna get some pizza in the city and we're gonna go to the cellar in new york in new york i know i saw i knew that yeah okay all right so while we're eating he says this he goes you know i said yeah i auditioned i didn't think i was gonna get it he you were the first choice. I wanted you.
All right? And I'm like, wow. I get into my dressing room now later on set.
And the clothes come. The clothes have a tag on it.
And it says, my name in the movie is DJ Joey Bones. It says, DJ Joey Bones, actor, Mohamed Amir.
I was like, oh, shit. And I should have just let it go.
But, you know. Same thing happened to me.
I walk up to him. I had underwear.
No, no, I come to him and I go, I say, hey, Ray, um, you know, first choice. You, you, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, you confronted him? Yeah.
But I was doing it as a joke. But at the same time, I was like, at the same time, I'm like like don't fucking tell me i was the first choice if i wasn't it doesn't matter i'm never the first choice i get it i know i have to like so i was like yeah so you know the clothes uh bahamad amir huh when did he i said when did he drop out you know he goes he goes he's like no no man he was a new york hire yeah we it's a but low budget movie we're't, you know, low-budget.
And he couldn't do it at the last minute, but you were the first. Yeah, yeah.
And I know he was mad at, like, whoever put that. Right, right.
Even the game show that I did, it was Jimmy O. Yang.
Oh. Right? And he couldn't do it.
Wow. And they told me I was first choice.
I hate that. And then I didn't tell the producers But you know me I told everyone else Oh bro, I know why I told everyone else And then one day I show up into my dressing room And the producers are there We just want to let you know We want to let you know You don't know how these deals work buddy That's what he said you don't know how these deals work and what we do is we throw out three names right they're all equal value all right and we and we put them on on the table and we we right and you happen to be in the in the pile of the a ones that we wanted right we had this name this name and this name right it was miss mix and match That's how it works, buddy, right? When the whole time I knew that I would call my agent and go, am I doing this? He's like, yeah, they're still negotiating with Jimmy.
It's fine. I did it.
He didn't do it. It's fine.
But there is. Bobby, I know we're on the same page with this.
Come on. There's still a part of you that's like, you want to be the first choice.
We're never going to be. Listen.
We're never going to be. We're third.
Can I tell you for this pilot? Can I tell you what I went through for this pilot? I know. Because you would call me and I would be like, I was going to say, turn it down.
Dude. Because after you do two.
Bro. Listen.
After you do two. If you don't know.
After two, if you don't know i'm not doing it again all right okay cool so i get you know i do the first of all can we talk about mortal kombat or we can all right this is how we'll launch our movie review i'm so hot right now go ahead uh it is warm in here um i you know i do this audition it's. It's in front of the producers.

So I go in.

I have my room set up.

I'm ready to go.

I'm waiting 20 minutes past the time.

I'm calling my manager like, yo, do I get to write?

They pop on the screen.

Hi, Eric.

Hi, Eric.

Hi, Eric.

Hi, Eric.

I'm like, oh, okay.

Whoa.

And then they all go away.

They have the one girl who I'm reading with.

I read it one time.

Then they go, thank you.

That was great. I was like, well, that's that.
You know when it's a one-time read. Yeah, yeah.
You get an L.C. Gone.
Then I find out, oh, you're going to test. Great.
I test once. They call me.
They want you to. Can you do it again? But can you shave off all your hair? Wait, wait, wait.
So you're testing. You're at your house, which is much better, though, than being on a lot in some uncomfortable office.
know what when i look back on it i actually feel like this quarantine streaming online gaming and doing the podcast by myself trained me for like oh i can just be my you know the best version of myself just like this with no one you know it's better so i think that i think it's better yeah and i had the lights it was fine yeah but i did it once and they were like no can you shave off your all your face uh-huh and we want you to read with nicole ritchie you want to read with her wait wait she's my wife on the show nicole ritchie yeah she's she's acting yeah apparently she's good by the way good i love surprise okay i knew nicole ritchie before you know that yeah she's she's a sweetheart she's i knew her when she was in high school dude you know i love that girl i told her i was like who nicole richie is no wow i i know just kid um she doesn't know she hasn't seen anything i know it's just i already know it's like the age gap now now i get it you know? Look at her. And here's what the, can I tell you what the problem is? Yeah.
Let me tell you what the problem is. You know who Lionel Richie is? American Idol host.
That's probably how you would only know him from. The name sounds familiar.
Is it me you're looking for? That's Adele. No, that.
Adele is, hello, it's me. It's a different song.
Maybe I sing it more like, you know him? Yeah. He has a daughter named Nicole Richie, but they're not blood related.
You know that, right? Even though they look alike. I know it's weird.
It is weird. Maybe there's something we don't know.
Sweet girl. And she's dope.
She's just a regular ass mom too. Yeah, yeah.
You know? Anyway, the problem is, I know what it is. With my gray beard, even though she's like, she tells herself, she's about to be 40.
Yeah. But she looks 21.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So can we be married? I think that was what the thing was.
They made me shave off. Don't even start.
Stop it. Don't be mean.

Sitcoms are full of hot women, ugly husband. That's how it works.
I don't buy it. Honestly, can I just be out? Because I want to be, I'm going internal.
I honestly don't buy it. If I, I don't, I can't see you with it.
Like if I'm watching a show, I think you're great. But if I'm watching a show'm watching a show don't throw that in yeah yeah and there's a scene where you know i mean there's a attractive or or even like mid-range girl right lady in bed right and she's like saying some setup to a joke right by the way you're back this is your back so whatever work you've done in your personality and say that about me and then they do a pan to you.
I'm going to be like intruder! Or something that doesn't... Do you feel good about yourself right now? Did that feel good? It felt good.
You know what? Fuck internal. I'm going to go outward.
I'm going to be myself. Fuck it.
Let me say something to you. You're a very funny guy but you and Nicole Richie, there's no way.
Well, it worked. It happened? It worked.
It worked great. Did you get picked up? I he get picked up I don't know yet okay we'll see we'll see you know it's so funny because you've had so many cool jobs that I've like been so jealous of especially when you worked with Captain Picard oh yeah blunt talk it was great I mean it's like it makes me angry why because I love that guy so much now is it about that some sort of like- Anyway, did you see Mortal Kombat? What did you think? Did you see it? Did you see Mortal Kombat? Is it some kind of thing? Let's talk about it.
Look, it's okay to have- Let's talk about movies. It's okay to have like a- What do you want to say? Envious, jealousy, and that kind of thing.
It's fine. Bobby, you have a great career.
You were on Mad TV for like 19 years, okay? You had a long, lustrous career at MTV. You've done a lot of great movies, right? Come on, name some of them.
Help me. Dictator.
Dictator. What else? Another one.
Splitting Together. That's a show.
That was a show. Did you see Mortal Kombat? I did.
What did you like? Did you like it? The only thing I liked about it was that it was rated R. Because if it was PG-13 and it was no blood, it would have been.
Because there would be, what are we doing? Yeah. What are we doing? You know, it just.
It's like when Scorpion throws the thing, right? Yeah. And he goes, get over here.
When he says that? Yeah. He throws he throws it right don't you think it's cooler if he doesn't say it yeah even in the game it's just better to just to pull him over yeah you know i mean but get over here it's like and then you have the thing in your head right you're dead and you're like well i have no choice right i'm, right? Because you're being pulled over there.
I thought that the beginning of the movie, the first 15 minutes, was the best part of the movie. Oh, my God.
When you saw the first 15 minutes, I was like. This is going to be good.
Not only good, the greatest thing ever made. Yeah.
I'm like, this is great. This is real.
Yeah. Right? It puts these characters in a real, believable setting.
And by the way, nothing's better than those Asian movies. Those where it's like the noble Asian guy.
And he's got his family. And he cares about his family.
And it's always shot in some village jungle thing like that. And it's like a jungle thing.
Yeah. Yeah.
There's always some jungle. Yeah.
It's like a jungles of Korea or wherever. There's a jungle in Korea, fucker.
Wherever they do, those movies are always the best. Those kind of like...
When did it go bad? Right after that. Right after...
When it went to modern times. I was like, what? You're watching and you're going...
You see the beginning and you're like, okay, this is. And then you're just, you go back to modern times and then you're like, okay, just give it a chance.
I'm just giving you your thought processes, right? Give it a chance. Okay.
So he's this guy. He's an MMA fighter.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
That, I don't believe any of it because you know what I mean? That's not how these fights go. Yeah.
Yeah. What is he? Some underground fighter that, you know.
And you just show up in a gym. you're just sitting there in like where lockers are and like you're fighting today buddy it's like and by the way by the way if i had a birthmark that was a full-on dragon dragon tattoo right i'm not gonna just be like oh yeah you know i've had this my whole life no bitch this is something you know what i'm saying yeah yeah you don't just get a dragon on your body.
Right. And then you meet someone else.
Like, you know, I've had this my whole life. No, bitch, this is something.
Right. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You don't just get a dragon on your body. Right.
And then you meet someone else. Well, I would take a photo on the internet, first of all, right? Anybody have this dragon tattoo on the chest? Whether it's a movie night or just midday, Skinny Pop is a salty snack that keeps on giving.
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It's like we grew up with the video games, right? Can the lead be somebody from the games? Right. Pick one.
Yeah, it could have been anybody. It could have been...
There's 20 characters. Liu Kang.
Yeah. Make Liu Kang the guy.
Right? But they didn't. Let's throw in a curve...
You know what it is? It's the writers going, let's throw in a curveball. And when they go, when they throw in a curveball, they fuck it up.
Yeah. Put Liu Kang in it.
And I always like that they have to find, like they find the asian guy that you see him and you clearly think could he he might have some some white in him it's always that asian guy too what do you mean it's never like like asian asian you know what i mean you know what you're speaking my language you know what i'm saying it's never like really like like does that guy own a store in south central asian it's that Asian. Right.
You know what I mean? It's always like a guy that's like, he's like the most handsome Asian you could possibly find. It's the Steve Byrne Asian.
Yes. They put in the Steve Byrne Asian, right? And even he's a little more Asian than they really want.
He can do comedy, but that Steve Byrne Asian isn't going to be an action star. It's war baby Asian.
It's the kind of Asian where American soldiers went into colonized a place, raped some girls, and they had a baby and all of a sudden, boom. The lead of fucking Mortal Kombat.
Or it's like it always has to be horrible, or it's like you take Bruce Lee. I took it too far.
You took it too far. That was dark.
It could just be Bruce Lee who doesn't want to date Asian women anymore, and he finds a white girl. But can I say this, though? I've always liked that about him.
You know, I really did, because at that time, right? Before, like, when I was five, I realized just in your mind, you look in the mirror and you go, you're never going to fuck a white girl. That's never going to happen, right? That's not even – you know what I mean? You looked at your mom and went, that's pretty much my option.
Yeah, you're like, ooh. A four-foot-nine Yoda.
You know what I mean? Mean. Mean.
Mean. You know what I mean? And then you always looked at your dad and went that's what i'm gonna look like yeah five four you know what i mean and just a fucking asshole which i did turn into like i don't like big titties because my mom had big titties she had little titties what yeah well your mom had a little my mom had little titties so now you like little i find myself like always liking little titties it's so fucking weird my mom has little titties yeah my mom has little titties yeah i love little titties, so now I find myself always liking little titties.
It's so fucking weird. My mom has little titties.
My mom has little titties, and I love little titties. Exactly.
Yeah. My mom has no ass.
I've never seen my mom's ass, right? But just in a- I would think your mom has ass. No, in a scientific way, if I analyze my mom's body, it's just bone.
It's like she has a bone there. Like a flat bone.
Like somebody hit her with a book bag numerous times. Right, right.
Until her ass just shrunk in. It's really weird.
Yeah, so we are, I know what you're saying. So, but when Bruce Lee, though, when I saw Bruce Lee date this white girl.
You're like, it's possible. You know, I was just, hi-yah! You know what I mean? I was in the garage trying to like, hi-yah, hi-yah, hi-yah! I took classes.
I took take on no classes. Who got more girls coming up? You or Steve? Steve.
You know that. Yeah.
I would think so. No, don't.
I mean, don't say it like that. Well, I mean, yeah.
He definitely did. Steve's way cuter than you.
Steve was always cuter. And Steve always had like, he was like homecoming prince.
What? Yeah, yeah. Like he was also like.
Shut the fuck up! Yeah, he was also popular.

Wow.

Right?

And if you look at my brother, you know, in the yearbooks, he's always with the cool group, right?

And I have a... I don't know if you look at my Instagram from a long time ago, one of my first earliest posts.

You know, there was one photo that I posted of me doing improv.

Right.

In high school, on stage.

I was doing, like, a scene. You know what I mean? scene.
That pretty much embodies what I was like, I think. Also doing drugs and masturbating in the library.
You were doing drugs in high school? Is that when it started? I've said this before on the podcast. I used to do meth and then I would...
You were doing meth before meth was even..., it was a thing That means you had that dangerous meth I saw it coming No, but I'm saying they didn't even have it perfected back then No, raw It was no even Sudafed You had that I used to smoke it too Put it in tinfoil and take a glass thing and light it.

Oh, so good. Mortal Kombat, would you give it one through A through F? It was like a D.
A D? Maybe C minus. I think a C.
Give it a solid C. Yeah, because Kung Fu fixes a lot of shit.
That's what I'm saying. The Kung Fu was great.
If you put zombies or Kung Fu in any movie, it's going to be a much better movie. Okay? Yeah, of course.
More enjoyable. You put some zombies in the notebook.
Right. If you put zombies in the notebook, it would have been amazing.
Amazing. Because the zombies are trying to get in.
It's just a whole different movie. You have to decide, this bitch don't know what's going on.

Should I leave her?

Oh, that's right.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

So I just feel like if the zombie has dementia, would they even?

Anyway, it doesn't even matter.

My point is, so the kung fu always adds. And by the way, because it was rated R with kung fu, that made it not be an F.

Right.

PG-13.

And if they had little titties in it,

you would have been giving it probably a B.

No, C+.

C+.

How about King Kong versus Godzilla?

Loved it.

Loved every second of that movie.

One of the worst movies I've ever seen.

No, I just...

One of the worst movies I've ever seen.

Listen, I loved it.

Yeah.

I'm not saying it was a great movie.

I just loved that it was like, oh, they're finally trying to make entertaining movies. Not entertaining at all.
Oh, I thought it was very entertaining. It's annoying.
It's annoying that King Kong wakes up, right? And he picks up a tree and does a back scratchy thing. Bobby, if you want to break down the movie that way, I 100% agree with you.
Because my thing is like this. What the fuck is little girl doing with a 65 foot monkey yeah what is she like why is she just roaming around a monkey place by herself yeah i don't care what they think it's a monkey and then as soon yeah and as soon as like i don't know i don't remember if this was in it but i think it was when the little girl like he she's whatever like she sticks up a finger and his monkey finger, they touch.

Imagine an ant.

Right?

Yeah, dude.

Imagine an ant.

Even if I tried to do that with an ant, I might crush it.

Look, dude.

This thing right here.

Right, right.

If I'm just...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like this.

Right, right.

If I just come to it a little bit, it's going to move.

You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? Okay. Right.
Okay. This is the girl.
Yeah. Right.
This is the girl. Right.
Her finger. Right.
I'm King Kong. Right.
Oh, dad. Yeah.
I did too hard. How did you know how much control that he's going to need? So the monkey all of a sudden.
Yeah. You know, the monkey all of a sudden is fucking Yoda.
You know, like. Yeah, there's no way.
He meditates. He would have died.
They would have died. I just.
And I also think Godzilla and King Kong. You know how sometimes they make it.
So they make it like they're aware of what the good guys are. Yeah.
You know, like a helicopter will fly by and they're like, no, it's one of ours. You know what I mean? I don't just be smashing everything fuck yeah that's like like so people just going on with society yeah and a big ass dragon is just living in the ocean and he just come on and land like why rebuild like like i wouldn't rebuild now especially if this is a continuation of these others oh yeah the titans live on this planet they just live yeah and they just come in you know yeah they're just coming like yeah so but i well listen listen the reason why i enjoyed it is because if you saw this year's oscar movies miserable like every movie is miserable every movie is about something terrible happening to somebody terrible or something you know you just go why why is this entertainment now? are we praising this let's get back to just we're trying to just entertain and escape from society it seems like every movie that's made now the ones that the industry wants to praise has to be all right let's find you know let's find but those those movies those let me say those movies are movies that most people don't watch.
Ever. Ever.
They never watch them. They never watch them ever.
You couldn't name me the last 10 best picture movies. Right.
And they also know, the industry knows this, is the reason why they make a King Kong and these types of movies is they know that's where all the money is. Yeah.
And that's why they get all the great stars, big name stars. What else did you see? I know what we were going to talk about is the Snyder Cut of...
Justice League. Justice League.
What'd you think? I thought it was so much better. Masterpiece.
I thought it a masterpiece i think i think there were pieces of masterpiece but put together in a four-hour movie i wish they would have just made it he should have just said can i put this on hbo max for 10 episodes that would have been good i would have enjoyed it that would have been that would have been good they could have cut it up as a show but i think they could have lost the seventh chapter completely the dream sequence with the Joker. Oh, I loved that.
What? Oh, man. I want to see that.
Oh, you want to see someone's dream? No, no, no. I want to see that, but that's not a dream.
That's supposed to be a prophecy of the feud. What's happened in the future is Superman actually goes crazy.
You know, that's what that is. That's in the comics.
Oh, really? Yeah, it's in the comics. Superman, he loses Lois Lane, and he fucking can't take it.
And he's like, I'm fucking a god here. Can I ask you a question? Let's say, okay, we live on Earth.
All right. That's true.
We're here on Earth. You're a shlebby 49-year-old.
I'm what I am. Okay? A human piece of shit.
Really? really yeah you look like melting shit okay if i took all right you look like whale shit you look like if i took gathered whale shit and put on a beach you look like a sick piece of shit like you're the kind of shit like after you eat beets you know that you're that shit when it comes out when you look in the toilet and go oh my god i'm dying that's the kind of shit you like little titties you when you're naked and you look yourself in the mirror you probably don like your body then because you have big titties. No, I don't.
Yeah, look at those titties. No, you can say that all you want.
I can see your tits through your shirt. No, you can't.
I can. No, I'm...
So go ahead, I'm sorry. I'm doing a lot better.
We live here. We find out that there's some other planet that when we go, we have godlike I fantasize about this why the fuck would we stay here like I don't understand why the Kryptonians who have all this knowledge if they knew because they had to know I'll tell you what they should be like hey we need to go where there's a yellow sun because look what it does to us we can can fly.
We got x-ray vision. We got super strength.
Because you're saying that the Kryptonians are so smart that they think above that, right? Their thinking isn't above them. Not all of them.
Zod wasn't like that. He was.
Are those the ones that went to prison? Yeah, he's trying to conquer shit. But they were in prison.
That's why. Yeah, but what I'm saying is not all the kryptonians were smart also why do you put them in the like didn't they put like in the first star war superman 2 uh-huh remember they used to put that they put them in like that crystal or whatever that was that was what was it called the something zone the phantom zone yeah is there's no way to kill them why don't i just put krypton inject them with kryptonite and kill them the kryptonite see the kryptoniteite doesn't hurt them unless they're with the yellow sun, apparently.
I don't even know the lore. But anyway, my point is let's get back to Justice League.
So the changes that they made to Justice League I thought were fantastic. One, in the – by the way, do you think you have to see the original to really enjoy the Snyder Cut? Because I think you do.
I think that you have to see both. Oh, that's see both if you don't see both i don't know if the snyder cut you're gonna kind of like this is too long because my brother never seen any of them right my brother's never seen any of them and i go you guys should watch it my brother watched it and he goes that was a masterpiece that's too long to me i think you need to see both no i don't think so well like like for instance one of the changes i really loved is in the original flash is a pussy and an annoying character yeah in the snyder cut he was more heroic they took all that bullshit out in the in the original you didn't know who cyborg was yeah yeah yeah and in the new one you're like oh there's a backstory he's a good guy i like that whole thing where he was like he gave that lady money from the atm machine yeah right who was that lady just some lady yeah yeah that was really cool it showed his heart that's what i'm saying i know they just they but because they what he was saying i think snatter was like look man we lost to universe we lost to uh when you when you make love to a woman here we go let me you don't know how to do rabbit style rabbit style yeah like power fuck let's start to close your ears so You're power fucking Kalilo.
No, you go, you probably don't know how to do rabbit style. Rabbit style? Yeah, like power fuck.
Close your ears. So you're power fucking Kalilo.
No, you go, pat, pat, pat, pat, pat. You probably don't do that.
Yeah, I have my times when I want to go quick. I want to go quick.
That's gross. Don't let the size fool, man.
I'm a strong man. You're right.
I could beat your ass if I wanted to. Why is it when you're like, when people get knocked out in a movie, right?

And they wake up in a foreign area, unless they're either tied to a tree in a forest or they're in a dungeon.

What is the first thing they say when they wake up?

Where am I?

No, they go, hello?

Oh.

As if, like, the guy that captured them is gonna go hello they never do that they always go hello anyone there yeah right that's not the first the first if i was captured i woke up i'd be like like like no no like i'm on vacation in italy right right okay and all of a sudden i drink some something and i wake up in a thing i wake up i'm going like this you know what i mean yeah i'm not well i can tell you what the first thing the first thing that comes out of my mouth is this i'm only being real let's be real about it what the fuck that's the first thing what the fuck because you're kind of realizing what you're you go fuck man what the fuck i would probably say it five times i'm just being real right here yeah hello i probably say hello hello you're right you're right hello hello is what you would say because because i don't know you put yourself there and you still say hello i put myself there and then i i realized That hello you know what let me say Let me go back let me go back I wake up What the fuck Yeah I mean Hello would be the thing because You're in a situation where you don't know Where anyone is You're You're trying to figure out Is there anyone Is there anyone there Is anyone there Is anyone there I'm here I have to be like that How scared would you be I'd be scared if it was him What's that You ever see the human centipede you ever see The Human Centipede? No. Yeah.
What? That kind of shit. Scary movies like that.
But would you... Like, if you're surgically tied to a hot chick, even though you're tied to their anus, would that make it sometimes...
No. It would make it worse.
It would make it worse. Let's say you wake up and you're surgically tied to like, who's a hot hot woman yeah but but listen i don't care how hot they are a dirty butt is a dirty butt right like are they washing like yeah but i'd rather be like with like you know um who's like scarlett johansson right then for some reason tay diggs why that's odd choice.
Why? That you picked Taye Diggs out of your head. Or Delroy Lindo.
Is that better? Delroy Lindo. You know what I mean? I would rather have a hot chick, no? Anytime I see like a period piece movie.
Yeah. Where it's like oldie times or something, Sherlock Holmes times, I can't escape the fact that everybody's ass is dirty.
I always think that. If it's pre-1900s type stuff...
They had no bidets. There's no bidets.
Right. They're on a pirate ship or whatever it is.
And I'm just thinking to myself, everybody stinks on this.

Right.

So in this human centipede situation, it's not like the guy was, like, making sure everybody shower.

Like, there was no scene where the guy was, like, it wasn't like Silence of the Lambs,

like, pour the lotion.

Or, like, you think, like, it's a summer.

It's 17th century France.

Yeah.

Right?

It's hot.

It's hot. You meet a woman.
Right? And she's like, ooh la la, would you like, let's go eat, you know, at this restaurant. Yeah.
Right? You go to the restaurant, right? You eat, right? It's hot, right? It's hot as fuck. Right? She got her 18 layers of shit on.
Let's do some dancing. Yeah.
Right? And you do the, you know, whatever, the Acapulco or whatever. I don't know if that's a real dance, right? Uh-huh.
Right? And then you're like, and she's like, let's go back to my place, right? You go back to the place, right? I can imagine once you pull the pants down, right, and she spreads her legs open, there's always like. Yes.
Because there's like a. It's like, you know, what's the fireball from Street Fighter? You know what I mean? It looks like this.
You know what I mean? Yeah, that's what it looks like. It's just...
You just go, wow. You would think that...
You would go, whoa. And then you would have to like, you know...
And then she goes like this. What do you smell? You smell sweat? Blood, maybe? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. B.O.
B.O. Yeah, poo, a little poo.
Gotta be a little shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's no baby wipes at that time. Right, right.
Maybe that's why people spit. When did we start, when did oral sex become a thing? What? Always.
Not back then? It's the best. Not back then? Yeah.
Not see it. What do you mean?

It was always a thing then.

Especially when she went, can you, right?

And you would have to as a guy.

And I think what it is, you would get used to it.

Like our car right now, the car that I have smells like shit. I think one of the dogs may be shit in it.

Right?

And a couple days ago, we were like, God, do you smell? That's terrible. And's terrible and now you can't really smell it's still there I think that's what it is you go down and you just get used to the shit and the thing and then once you start looking and you know probably there's a acidic quality to the vagina maybe so you no matter what time of day you go down well in modern times now khalila will take a shower and we'll do it right but we're talking about 17th century no no no but this is what i'm saying even in modern times you don't just even with oh yeah even like even right now right now we're sweaty because it's hot in here yeah yeah yeah and if if Kalilah came in, everyone got kicked out.
She's like, let me bowl you right now. I'd be like, I got to go to the bathroom.
Right. Can I go freshen up? Yeah, I would freshen up.
What I'm saying is like, what was going on in 1735? I'm just used to it. Maybe there was some sort of like, you know.
Did they have perfume back then? I can't not think about that when I'm watching these kind of things. Right.
And then some love scene is about to i just go yeah don't do that yeah like what do you what's happening right now and also the toilet what kind of toilets did they have the toilet situation yeah how about this they always they had bedpans like bedpans so it's just like you have to shit so you're in bed they never they never show that but in the crown you don't have to shit you have to go like this You got to get, excuse in the same room. Just a second.
I gotta pull out a bucket and I'm going to shit in the room with you. It's difficult enough to shit and wipe yourself on a modern toilet.
Or like in Asia my grandparents, they lived on a mountain oh god okay and they my grandparents lived in a what do you call it a rice house everything was made out of wood and rice paper it's like one of those old school looking with the with the with the roof so like if the wolf came he would just blow that house down yeah yeah and it was one of those like you know everything was like dark wood flat everything was wooden you slept on these mats right i remember and the bathroom was because my great great great great grandfather lived there too because he's been there for hundreds and hundreds of years right and my mom grew up there right the bathroom was this hole in the ground right and there's no sewage and and you'd go in there and you have to balance yourself yeah right and take a shit but then in my thoughts i was like my great great great grandfather's shit is somewhere deep down in there yeah what's going on there like where does that is there's like some like it's i, like... It just, I think, absorbs.
What if, like, down the mountain, there's, like, someone else is living, and they're

just like, this...

There's an opening over here that just smells like shit.

Oh, you think so?

Yeah.

Yeah.

How come it didn't fill up?

Like, how many people...

How deep was it?

Yeah.

Like, where my mom grew up, my mom grew up in Belize, you know?

What's that?

In Central America, Belize, you know? It's like, anyway, they had like gutters in the street. Like these gutters, just like sewage running down the street.
This nasty, you know, it would come out of the houses. They had outhouses.
it just was like you think back like how far we've come even in just yeah 50 years but you know I think what you're saying what you're basically saying is would we eat pussy in the 17th century and I think we would and that because I think that we wouldn't know any different you know I mean and I think that in modern times we wouldn't well what because when did women start shaving their pussy anyway like that wouldn't even be like that wasn't going on either is that what you like no i'm not saying i'm not i'm not saying like i don't like it i don't i am have no preference no honestly honestly so if like you meet a girl yeah i've already i've already been there i've i've i've you met a girl and then she opened it and she had no hair down there i'm fine you wouldn't would you you would you would that even be an aware awareness thing where you would think wow there's no hair there or would you would just look past it i would look past it in a way i don't look past you just kind of go okay this is what you went with it oh this is nice you know that's not what i would think what would you think oh i can't say it because i have to cut it out I'd have to cut it out. I'd have to cut it out.
When it's really hairy, though, I like some grooming. But, you know, what hair really does, though, how it really grows, I don't think any chicks are doing that now unless they're just like they've given up.
You know, because it goes up here all the way down to the inner thighs yeah like it's it's just a like a throw rug i feel uncomfortable talking about vaginas and pubic here but i have to say something okay it's i i met i once met a girl um who you know i'm going to say that my penis isn't a fresh product let's just say that and it isn't the prettiest thing to see all right so i'm just going to preface that you know first the second thing i want to say is one time i met a girl and she had one of those um vaginas that came out oh yeah yeah i know you know what i'm saying where it was just kind of like a cauliflower you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah i mean or like you know jersey mike's roast beef right not the freshest yeah right but she had a lot of hair right so it looked like you know fungi growing in a forest yeah you know i mean it was just like you see the shrubbery and then you just saw this thing pop up that looked like a little mushroom. Yeah.
Right? And then, like, I didn't know where it began or where it ended. Right? I didn't know what to do.
Right? It was like a mystery. Yeah.
You know what I mean? But obviously, I'm a man. I still like it.
Right? You know what I mean? It's like you're having something that you haven't eaten before, right? So I went in. Yeah, it's like going to like a fancy restaurant.
Right, right, right. And the chef comes out, you know, today.
A delicacy. I don't like talking about women like that because, you know, we live in a different world now.
We're not talking. Is this inappropriate? I don't think so.
What do you mean you don't think so? You're not really insulting. Yeah, yeah.
It's different varieties. It also happened.
But you know there are people who are like, I don't ever want to see hair. I have buddies like that.
I'm not like that. Yeah, I'm not like that either.
You know what it is? You know what? The guys that say that, they're way more attractive than us. Attractive guys can say shit like, I don't like when chicks have fake boobs.
Or they go, I don't like... Attractive guys can say that because they got options.
It's like rich guys, people eating. Yeah, exactly.
It's like, let's say you and I eat at 7-Eleven because it's all we can afford and a rich guy would be like i would never eat that right yeah and it's like you haven't had it it's really good right exactly yeah but i go to you know i mean this is this that's the same kind of thing hot guys always have these like they're always like oh yeah i don't i had a guy tell me he said if i date a blonde the next one she can't be a launch. You gotta be something else.
I had a guy tell me, he said, if I date a blonde, the next one, she can't be a blonde. She got to be something else.
I was like, my shit is like, is she breathing? Yeah, me too. You know what I mean? Yeah, me too.
Because I'm always in shock. Any kind of attention, you know? I think that's why you and I, I can't relate to Andrew in that way because he's one of those guys that like – and I've seen other male comics like this.
I think I can say this.

I was walking down the street with one time Chris D'Elia.

Okay?

And we were going to go see Avengers.

Right?

Yeah.

I think Avengers 2.

And we're going to the – we're in New York. We're like – I don't know what street we were going to go see Avengers.
Right? Yeah. I think Avengers 2.
And we're going to the movie. We're in New York.
We're like, I don't know what street we were on. And we're late.
So we're just – Chris was mad. He's like, come on, dude.
That I woke up late. You know what I mean? Let's go.
We're missing it, right? And as we're walking, this beautiful supermodel – I'm not kidding you – came out of nowhere. She just came out of nowhere and she approaches Chris.

She's walking this way and we're walking this way.

And she looked like she had been crying.

Right?

So as she stops us and she goes, looks at Chris.

She – it was almost as if Chris D'Elia was holding a teddy bear.

That's what I was. That's what she looked at me.
Like it was some present for some child. Like I wasn't even human.
You were like make a wish. Right.
And your dream was to hang out with him. Right, right.
That's what it was. She was like, she might as well just tap me in the head.
Hello little, you know what I mean, little thing, right? She looks at him and goes, I don't know you. My my boyfriend just dumped me i've never done this before do you want to make out right now and dalia looks at me goes have fun at the movie and they just walk away right and now i'm in the theater now i'm in the theater popcorn popcorn right You know what I mean? Just because that'll never happen for me.
Yeah, man. I know exactly what you're saying.
It's a different world. It's a different world that good-looking guys.
Even being on the road, not that we're telling D'Elia stories, because that's not. But this is God honest truth.
I haven't been to one city where I've done comedy where if I'm talking past and I'm talking to a girl all of a sudden without her saying do you know Christelia I know in a way of like you know can you and I'm like okay see ya get okay, see ya. Yeah, see ya.
All right, get out of my face. I'm done with you.
Yeah. You know, so it's like.
I had one Crystalia moment that I thought. And you're still with her.
No, no, no, no, no, no. Where I thought, where I thought, where I thought, this has never happened, it's never happened before or after.
I was at the Tampa Bay Improv. This is before I met Kalilah.
Yeah yeah he has to preface it that way i met kalilah right and um there was this girl at the bar and she was brunette right and i walked by the bar and she goes hey to me oh hi that's whenever a hot chick whenever hot chick says hey i always say like that hi. Hi.
Or a question. You know what I mean? And then she goes so.
Basically you went Yeah. Like because you don't maybe it was toward somebody that was in back because that happened before me too.
Where some say I say hi and they're really saying hi to the guy in back of me. You know what I mean? So hi.
And she goes hey I grew up watching mad TV or whatever be and when that happens it's like maybe there's a shot right yeah and then there was a i went in the green room and there was a girl that was there that was wants to be a comedian and she was a preacher's daughter right because that's what she said i'm a preacher's daughter right but she was cute right and so after the show the brunette from the bar goes what are you doing afterwards i'm like i'm gonna go to eat preacher's daughter goes i want to go too right so they both and i was able to finagle this a miracle right i got them separated i go come over to the hotel room, right? So one of them came over, right?

And then she left and then the preacher's daughter came.

And that's never happened.

You know, that's kind of like, those are like Steve Byrne stories, right? Or like when good looking guys, right?

That happened one time where I hooked up with two girls in one night.

And I think I prayed.

I think when the preacher's daughter left, right, I got on my hands and knees by the bed. I did old school.
And you know how the hotel has a Bible? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I brought that out.
The Gideon's Bible. I brought that out.
I put my hand on it like this. Like I was testifying.
Right? I go, dear Lord, thank you so much. I'm so grateful.
I started crying. I'm so grateful.
Thank you so much. And then isn't it at that moment you realize.
Stand up is the best. Why you even got into business.
Yeah, that's why. Yeah, dude.
That's exactly why. I have had.
I've had. I know.
Look at you. I've had one of those.
What do you mean? Look at me. I'm kidding, man.
You just love saying that. It's a joke.
Does it make you feel better? It's a joke, man. I love you, man.
That's it. It's a joke.
Whatever. Yeah, you had these, of course, before Rachel.
You have to. Look at Rachel.
Just when I love you man That's it It's a joke Whatever Yeah you had these Of course before Rachel You have to Look at Rachel Just When I see you and Rachel In the same photograph I just go What the fuck man What a miracle She Hit me You know how This ripple was filled Oh stupid And that was bad It's It's okay. Andreas can clean up.
This is why he's going to... We're going to wake up.
I know. We're going to be tied to a...
Hello? But it's going to be like a podcast, too. He's going to be like, now we're going to talk about what I want to talk about.
Yeah, yeah. So I'll be...
And I've never really said this out loud again i'm the city's all about revelations okay i used to have this dream right or this fantasy where i had this brunette right girl dressed in white with no face it was a dream i had and i don't know why but she was always in Because my cousin Andy and Paul lived in a mansion growing up.

And – With no face. It was a dream I had.
And I don't know why, but she was always in the – because my cousin Andy and Paul lived in a mansion growing up. And she was – it was like a dream where this girl was, you know what I mean, in the driveway wearing a white dress with no face but with tall brunette, very brown.
And she's kind of swaying back and forth. And I always went, is that my future girlfriend? And I think that's Kalilah.
Oh. It works.
We meet people, and it just works. You go through all the things you have to go through to make it happen, and once it happens, you're in this situation and boom.

Are you a Woody Allen fan?

Sometimes.

Did you see the documentary?

No, I didn't see the documentary.

I didn't want to, you know why?

I'm off HBO documentaries, man.

Why?

Because a lot of them, it's like,

I don't know if they,

I think they're just doing them for shock value.

And did you call it at the store?

They called me, yeah.

You going up this weekend? I told them I was available. You know, you're scared to do it.
But did they put in at the store? They called me, yeah. You going up this weekend? I told them I was available.

You're scared to do it?

But did they put you on the list?

I have no idea.

Because the lineups are out.

So they fucked you.

I don't know.

The new people fucked you.

I know.

I'm going to call the store right now.

It's Emily.

Yeah, I'm going to know.

I'm going to call the store right now to see if you're on the list, okay?

Mm-hmm. If she doesn going to call the store right now to see if you're on the list, okay? Mm-hmm.

If she doesn't pick up for me right now.

This is Emily.

Emily, Bobby Lee.

Hi, Bobby.

How are you?

Hi.

I'm sitting here with Eric Griffin.

Yeah.

Not on Saturday either.

He called in, and he didn't get a spot.

What's going on?

Oh, no.

Sorry.

I will.

I'm reaching the lineup right now.

I will get back to you guys.

A lot of moving parts.

Right, so it's... spot what's going on oh no sorry i will i'm reaching the lineup right now i will get back to you guys a lot a lot of moving parts what so is eric gonna get a spot yeah let me let me just double check the lineup sorry i'm not walking my dog okay okay it looks like no then well you're on the podcast right now so you're on bad friends so we yeah so um so that was a screw-up on your end wait am i am I surprise guest? Yeah, you surprise guest.
Who's surprise guest? Who's surprise guest? Alicia Cooper. It's a surprise.
Argus Hamilton. Let's see.
Ron Funches. Okay, Rick Ingram.
Wait, wait. Argus gets a spot? And Eric Griffin, who's just booked a pilot? Let's see.
Jeff Ross, Neil Brennan, Tim Dillon, Danny Letterman, Brian Barrow. And Sandra LaColonano.
Yeah, I like him. He's very funny.
All right,, I'll rework it because you gotta put Eric in my spot, okay? Okay, bye-bye. I don't see you either, though.
I didn't call in. Oh, why not? I'm not gonna call in until May.
Why is that? After I get back from Europe. Oh.
Do you have a game for us? We do. It's called Imaginary Gift? Yes, and it's actually a real game.
A couple's game where one partner gives the other an imaginary gift. The couple talks about the gift without naming it or giving obvious clues.
The goal is for the partner who receives the gift to figure out what is a kind of guessing game. But the real purpose is for the couple to experience.
So I don't know what it is when I'm giving it to them. And we're not a couple, so we're not gay.
No, no, but you're doing it as like a bonding. It's more of like, hey, let's come up with it.
All right, let's do it. I'll try it.
I don't know how it works, but let's give it a go. But let me give you a gift.
The person who gives the gift knows what it is. Okay, let me think of what it is.
Why is he giving me the gift? See, I can't trust him. Why? I should be giving you the gift.
No, you should be giving me the gift. You never give me anything.
You know what? Okay, I know what it is. I know what it is, okay? Is this like charades? Just pretend I'm coming over to your house.
I'm going to knock on the door. Why would you knock on the door? When's the last time you knocked on someone's door? Hello? Let's just start with the improv or no? I've already started.
That's how you would answer the door? Yeah. Alright.
Who is it? Hey, dude, it's me bob bobby bobby lee yeah man hurry up man i got a present for you open the fucking door i'm not dressed give me a second oh fuck okay i'm okay welcome hey man how are you hey dude um happy belated birthday. Oh, thank you.
It was March. I can't believe I remember.
I know. I know.
And I can't believe I remembered how to get to your fucking house. But here it is.
Is that what happens in the improv? Yes. Does he open it or no? No, he has to guess what it is.
But before you open it, you're going to have to guess what it is. No, by what you talk about it, I'm supposed to figure out what it is.
Is that what it is? Yes. Okay.
Do I ask questions? Yeah, you have to ask questions. It's so big? Why is it so big? Because for a big fella.
Is it a jacket? No? Is that how they go How is this? Come and explain us this weird Come back in here This weird European game you have us playing You guys have to, together You're going to create something Yeah, but you said that I already know what it is Well, you're giving him something, but that's going to change Because he's going to say, hey, why is this red? Maybe you thought it was a banana, but now it's red. So you adapt.
Oh, is that what it is? Knock, knock, knock. Come in.
It's open. All right.
Hey, what's up, dude? Happy belated Christmas. Just don't.
Wait, wait, wait. You're supposed to agree.
Is this the energy? You're bringing me a gift Start over You did it like Kalilah made you go over there The scene before this was like You really should be nicer to him. Ding dong.
Hey. Hey, can I come in? Can I come in? Take your shoes off first.
I'll take my shoes off. I just want to let you know, bud, that I'm grateful for you.
I've been thinking about you a lot lately and I really enjoy your company and I you as a human being. And boy, I felt a lot of guilt for not getting you a Christmas gift.
I know it's August. I know it's August.
This guilt has been really building. Building, and I haven't been able to sleep well.
So I got you a gift. This is great.
Yeah. Wow, there's so much money.
I can't believe you had this much money into it. How can you tell I put money into it? You haven't opened it up yet.
I can tell by the wrapping paper. Yeah, the wrapping I got at, you know, I got it at JCPenney.
This doesn't look JCPenney, aren't they closed? Yeah, I know, but there's one outlet open in Oxnard. Oh, so you went to the JCPenney outlet.
Outlet, right? And it's so funny, it's like a weed store, the wrapping section, because it's like there's different tiers, right? There's the cheap one, right? But I got you the high-class one. So it looks like it's Dolce Galbana, but it's really JCPenney.
Anyway, you know what I mean? Here you go. All right.
Yeah. I'm going to open it up.
Yeah. Yeah.
Merry Christmas. Oh, wow.
Yeah. How did you know my size? Because from the internet.
The internet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a funny thing. The internet has different sites with celebrities and whatnot.
Celebrity sizes? Celebrity sizes. And I knew that this is the size of your head.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
Oh, wow. Yeah.
Oh, and it looks like it would fit, too. So you did a good guess.
Thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's elastic. Oh.
Yeah, so you know what I mean? It's an elastic situation. So if it's elastic, why did you worry about it? It didn't even matter the size because this is like one size fits all? No, it isn't.
Even if you put like an elastic thing on something too large, it might snap and it could hurt somebody. Okay.
Right. So I had to go on the internet to look at your size.
Yeah. So the elastic part fits on my head.
Yeah. You like the color? Yeah.
I like that it's black and orange. Yeah.
Because that's from your team The Pittsburgh Steelers The Pittsburgh Steelers And Put it on Oh, okay Wow, it fits perfectly on my head Yeah, yeah And Don't you like the Embroidery on it? yes um read the embroidery the embroidery it's oh wow this is very touching of you it's a i'm sorry for being such a dickhead asshole for our whole friendship yeah you know how every word every letter right cost five dollars oh wow so imagine you know and there's a there's a flap that comes out right there's a whole poem that you wrote. Oh, wow.
So imagine, you know. And there's a flap that comes out.

Right, there's a flap that comes out. With a whole poem that you wrote.

It's a whole poem.

Yeah, exactly.

And you paid $5 for this whole poem?

Yes, I did.

So it's like, no, $5 a letter.

I would like to see the poem in your words.

I want to see you.

Oh, give me the thing.

Give me the thing, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I would like to hear the poem from you.

Yeah.

Glorious night. Sweet dreamer to hear the poem from you.
Yeah. Glorious night.

Sweet dreamer.

Yeah.

I enjoy you so immensely.

The skylights, you know what I mean, create an atmosphere within each other to create energy and connections that make us a forever people.

And you and I are on a rainbow carpet ride.

A rainbow carpet ride into.

Is this your poetry sway?

Yeah.

Into the atmospheres of our own destinies.

Love.

Babaloo.

That's very nice of you.

Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, I gotta go.

That's it?

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

Now can we do that now?

Can you give me a gift?

I want a gift now.

We don't even know what it was.

Well, guess.

It's elastic.

It's a Pittsburgh Steelers hat.

It's a Pittsburgh Steelers hat.

I'm coming over to your place. All right.
so I have to like there's like a it's like one of these at the door right yeah so I'm sitting and now I'm in a room I'm in a room going oh somebody's at the door. Somebody's at the door.
Let me take off my kimono, hang it, right? Put on my regular street clothes. I don't want people to know that I wear that in the house.
And I, oh, Eric, what's up? Come on in. Come on in.
Wow, what's up? What a surprise. Yeah, it is a surprise.
What do you have there? This is a gift I have for you. Wow.
You drove all the way over here from Century City to get me a gift. Yes.
Wow. So it's very large.
Well, they only had this one box. Oh, right, right.
So anything could be in it. Yeah, exactly.
All right. Let me lift the box.
The box is big. Let me lift lifting.
A very light box. Yeah.
Okay, good. It's a joke box.
It's a joke box. But it's meaningful what's inside.
All right. May I? Yes, please.
All right. So I'm opening this gigantic box.
Okay. And Jules, can you go get me some scissors? Because there's like this.
Okay. Thank you.
Okay. I'll take this tape off.
Uh-huh. Ksh.
Ksh. Ksh.
Ksh. Ksh.
Uh-huh. Oh.
I don't really see it. Oh.
It's a little box. Yeah.
I pulled out a little box. Uh-huh.
And there's like a little. It says on the thing, Gucci.
So that's interesting on the thing.

I'm going to open it up.

Well, the Gucci box, you know, you can buy them at this place.

You know, at JCPenney's, they have different kinds of boxes that they sell there.

Oh, so right.

So whatever is the product that's inside the box might necessarily not reflect the box itself. It's called expensive wrapping.
You can get it at JCPenney's. Right.
It's the same one. Yeah.
I remember a year ago I came over and I got you that Steelers hat. And you made me think, you know, this is where you go to do fancy wrapping.
Right. So I influenced you in that way.
Yes, you did. So I went there and I was like, can I get the Gucci box? Right.
They said the big one. I said, no, no, give me the little Gucci box.
Right, right, right, right. Okay, so let me open it up.
Oh, my God. Is it a commemorative coin? Yeah.
Right, and let me see. And on it is, who is that? That's you.
That's me? Yeah. Heads is you.
Right. Let me flip it over.
And on the other side. Tails is you.
Yeah. Yeah.
Wow. So we have, you made this coin.
I'm on one side, right? And you're on the other one. And it's so funny because on this coin, like on mine, my face is in the middle of the coin.
But when I flip it over, your whole face is the coin. Really? If I'm looking at the coin right now, you can literally see the outline of my head in the middle of the coin.
And if I flip it, you have no outline. The actual coin is your head.

Right? So that's interesting.

That seems like that took a lot

of work. Yeah.

Yeah. That's interesting.

But you notice how the grooves

on the other side of your face, they...

Yeah, the grooves.

Yeah, I do notice the grooves. The grooves of your face,

they really had to do some special

detail to get the intricacy of like yeah the lip that's underneath your eyes yeah yeah they really had the epicanthic fold yes yeah and that must have cost extra money it did cost extra money right because that's really interesting right yeah on your side though go ahead right on your side they just did this like a shine right oh they did yeah yeah i i would call that a rustic shine yes yeah that's interesting yeah when you turn on the other side on your side as you can notice that there's a sort of mustard sheen it's like how did they do that how did they do that they had little kids pee on it let me just flip it right it always lands on your side because the weight is on that side of the coin let me flip no. Let me flip it again.
It's always on you, right? It's weighted. No, because the imbalance of your head from nose to chin is 6% of your face.
Right. And then from nose to the top is the other 94%.
So it's weighted that way that when you flip it, it's going to end up being on the other side. Anyway, this seems very expensive.
It was very expensive. Yeah, to do, to get the intricate details.
Yeah, you can actually buy things with that. Wow.
Anyway, thank you so much. I bought it with a Bitcoin.
Anyway, thank you for being here, and thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.
Somebody hit me up and say, why does Kalilah want to fuck Bobby in the ass with her? What? Yeah. Somebody said, my buddy hit me up who listens to it.
He was like, yeah, Kalilah went into detail about how she wants to put on a strap on. She's proposed it before.
And I go, I don't know. It's going to feel good.
And I go, just stick a finger in there or something. But she has like these long E.T.
fingers. And she did it once.
Didn't like it. It was like having like, um, Joey Diaz sticking his finger finger like a thick Cuban finger.

My asshole

is...

It seems like it's deep.

Oh, my asshole is very deep but tight.

Yeah.

Are you flirting right now? Woo-hoo. Yeah.

Woo-hoo.

Yeah.

Woo-hoo.