Are We Really Friends? w/ Erik Griffin

Speaker 1 I am so excited for this spa day.

Speaker 2 Candles lit.

Speaker 1 Music on.

Speaker 3 Hot tub warm and ready.

Speaker 3 And then my chronic hives come back.

Speaker 1 Again, in the middle of my spa day. What a wet blanket.
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You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 A white dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 Probably you two or something. We're bad friends.
I missed you, man. Did you?

Speaker 2 I think so. Whatever, Bob.
No, no, I honestly

Speaker 2 just stop.

Speaker 2 Just stop.

Speaker 2 Wait, stop.

Speaker 2 Before you came in here, dude. Uh-huh.
Before you came in here, I was talking to the guys and I got... And Juliana could, Rudy can attest to it.
Is this true?

Speaker 2 That I'm going internal okay you know I'm going internal with you seem different yeah I'm going internal and what I'm trying to do it took you to 50 to try to be a good person 49 this is cool 49 all right I'm going internal and I'm trying to um

Speaker 2 not be such a bully not to be um I joke aggressively

Speaker 2 and I'm trying to you joke from a place of insecurity but go ahead

Speaker 2 I'm gonna let that no you know what I'm gonna let that slide what because you know my my my old self would have fought back.

Speaker 2 My old self would have been like, I disagree or whatever. Can I tell you the difference already? The last time I came here, the first thing you said when you came in is you insulted me.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You insulted me and you were attacking me.

Speaker 2 This time you said, hey, you look good. And it was hard for you to say.
I could tell. It was hard.
But that was you making an effort and I appreciate it.

Speaker 2 It was so hard for me. Yeah, I know.
I could tell.

Speaker 2 It was like they asked me to speak at the RNC convention.

Speaker 2 Right? And you got to to be pro-Trump and you're going to say the speech. Yeah.
It's like, it just goes against everything that I believe in, but I'll do it. Because if they paid you, you'd do it.

Speaker 2 No, they wouldn't. I wouldn't.
Okay. You know what? Maybe you're right.

Speaker 2 You know what? Maybe you're

Speaker 2 right, dude. No, I'm not arguing.
I'm not arguing. Maybe you're right.
I mean, you did the dictator. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay.
You know what I mean? You know what it is? I'm just testing you. I want to see if I can make you crack.
Yeah, you're not going to make me crack today.

Speaker 2 The real you can come back. I agree with you, man.
Are we going to call this like, are we going to call this like, you know, toenail clipper brothers? So we could.

Speaker 2 Very good.

Speaker 2 Do you feel a sense of betrayal from Steve? No, not at all. Listen.
Yeah. Not at all.
I tweeted about them. I'm happy.

Speaker 2 I think they're a good combination. Yeah, they're both insane.
You know what I mean? No, they're not insane. They're both the same kind of person.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? I agree.
They're.

Speaker 2 I don't want to say it. I'm not going to say it.
What, you're not not going to say it just say it. No, I don't want to say it.
It's a safe space. It's my brother.
Yeah, you've said worse.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You think because it's your brother that's. They have the same kind of insecurities.
Yes, I agree. That's what I'm saying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And them together, they can just feed off each other. And also, they feel comfortable with each other.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I know.
You look so good, man.

Speaker 2 They try.

Speaker 2 I'm happy. You look good, I said.
I know. I don't believe you.
So I'm just like, whatever.

Speaker 2 I'm trying, dude. I'm down 40 pounds in body fat.
You look good. You look good.
Thank you. Okay, thank you.
Let's start then.

Speaker 2 This is so right. You're not going to.

Speaker 2 Let me just say something. And

Speaker 2 I want to be very. You're Asian, bro.

Speaker 2 I want to say something.

Speaker 2 Normally, I would say. You're so Asian.

Speaker 2 Normally, I would say you have a big, fat, black head, and that wouldn't fit on it, right?

Speaker 2 So I like how he said it anyway. No, I wouldn't.
I would normally have said that, but what I'm saying, let me finish, right? I'm just saying that they made that too small. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Hey, welcome to Bad Friends. Give Eric Griffin a round of applause.
He's here.

Speaker 2 You know what I wanted to do?

Speaker 2 I wanted to come here one time and do, like, and call it no friends.

Speaker 2 Are we, I mean, let's, let's listen. And I would be here and, like, no one's there.
It's just me being no one's there. I'd be no friends, you know.

Speaker 2 Like, we almost called our podcast Riffin Without Griffin. Which is,

Speaker 2 by the way, hilarious. I laughed so hard when I saw this.

Speaker 2 If we would have called it that, would you have been angry? Well, first of all, you wouldn't have called it that. I know, but

Speaker 2 your ego wouldn't have allowed to just have Griffin in the name without you. Yeah, but it would have been, I think it would have been hurtful.
No,

Speaker 2 no, no at the time, though.

Speaker 2 Okay, my tone. My tone.

Speaker 2 At the time, though, right?

Speaker 2 I had promised you. Because remember, you and I went to ATC.
I know, brother. We drove to ATC before Andrew was even in the mix.
Yes, I understand. We met with Al Madrigal.
Can I tell you something?

Speaker 2 This is the only reason why I was upset. That was it.
It was because you weren't upfront with me.

Speaker 2 We already went over this, but I'm just saying, all these things I keep hearing about this is like, I am not,

Speaker 2 you guys are still my friends. You think I don't, I'm mad at you or something like that.
No, I don't care.

Speaker 2 I don't really care. But my point.

Speaker 2 I know, but here's what I want to get to the point of. Uh-huh.
Right.

Speaker 2 And that was my honest thing.

Speaker 2 I want to just get to the point. I want to be, my energies.

Speaker 2 I want to get to the point where.

Speaker 2 I don't think that none of us are real friends. Why would you say that? No, let me just think.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 let's go down this path for a second. No, please, please.
Because at the here's, you know, first define, how about this? Before you're going down this path,

Speaker 2 define what a friend is.

Speaker 2 A friend is what I feel toward Kalila.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Wow, I'm sorry.
Not the sex.

Speaker 2 No, no, not no, aside from the sexual, you know, I mean, energy and

Speaker 2 the stuff, right?

Speaker 2 She's in terms of like, um,

Speaker 2 uh, I trust her with my money. Okay.

Speaker 2 I trust her with um if i tell her a secret i i just know that she'll keep it uh-huh i trust her with just certain things that i would trust my brother with you know it's just like this deeper okay but how did you get understanding

Speaker 2 because um we just i don't know how we got there we just did time

Speaker 2 that's i've known you for over longer i understand that so you're the only person on on the other side of this that thinks the way you think

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 because listen to this point of view, though, real quick. Honestly, now I just wanted to hear what you thought of Fred was so now I get it.
So it's like somebody could do before.

Speaker 2 Okay, so you know we live our regular we were born. You were born, right? Mm-hmm.
And I was hatched. Is that what you want me to say? Or arrived from you know,

Speaker 2 there was a beam of light, you know, from a you act like you're like a normal Korean looking. I am very normal.
What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 Dude, if you didn't know me, right, and you put my face next to 50 other Korean dudes, you'd be like, oh, yeah. No, you would look like,

Speaker 2 remember how the Cabbage Patch dolls looked? Remember how they had like a really fat head and like a slip like the body? You look like that. It's like a compact version of

Speaker 2 it's more of a garbage pail kid. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Steve looks more like a Korean.
Like he,

Speaker 2 whatever gene. What do I look like then? Whatever gene got to you.
Go ahead. Be mean.
I'm not being mean. What do I look like? What do I look like? Tell me what I look like.

Speaker 2 I'm just saying we both came from the same planet. Okay, so don't act like you're all cute.

Speaker 2 All right. Thank you.
Go ahead. All right, so um you look like

Speaker 2 I've already heard on like radio shows and whatever because people are sending me clips of you talking shit about me for no reason

Speaker 2 Okay, I apologize. Do you? I do.
Okay. Now go on with the friend my party.
Please tell me why you think we're not friends. No, we aren't friends.
No, no, no, no. You just said we weren't.

Speaker 2 You said we're not really friends.

Speaker 2 I'm going internal, guys. Okay, go ahead.
Can I go internal? Go ahead. Right.
So

Speaker 2 I was thinking about this. It's like, you know you you're born you know you you you grew up in you know a town you did right yeah okay

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 and um do you think i was like in a colony or some kind of thing i don't know where you're from man i don't know anything about i'm from la all right

Speaker 2 so you're from la yeah the city yeah born in lady thank you so um and then you you know you have your neighborhood friend you're you you have to become friends with the people that are in your environment, right?

Speaker 2 Not necessarily, but that's what you started. Back in the day, we didn't have no internet or anything so it's like

Speaker 2 yeah right so you you go to school and you see i don't know how many people were in your class but i had like 300 people in my class you started a neighborhood right your neighborhood first yeah right right right like i had a buddy across the street marius yeah buddy and you have like oliver that lives you know i mean two streets yeah right right exactly frank yeah and then like frank is into like you know i mean he he eats tree bark So you're like, oh, but Frank.

Speaker 2 But Oliver seems normal. So then you just forced

Speaker 2 to be friends with Oliver. Right.
Because there's no one else. There's no one else.
Right. You don't want to walk two or three blocks.

Speaker 2 They wouldn't let you. You just stuck with like whoever's living there.
Right. And then you go to school.
I had about 300 people in my class. And then you have this.

Speaker 2 This is basically, you know what I mean, a pool of people. Yeah.
And you go, which one? Those are your Facebook friends.

Speaker 2 They're right there. But because, and then you get older, you move out and the world opens up.
Right.

Speaker 2 And then the internet, obviously.

Speaker 2 And then all of a sudden, you know, you have, then you, then you follow, then you discover

Speaker 2 the thing that you're going to do for the rest of your life. Okay.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Is

Speaker 2 stand up. Okay.

Speaker 2 Right? For you.

Speaker 2 And then all of a sudden, you know,

Speaker 2 you're amongst a smaller group of people. Like you're back in school.

Speaker 2 And then you're picking amongst like, you know, if I've met like at the comedies, how many regulars do you think we have? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Let's say 200 paid regulars.

Speaker 2 Okay. You know, some of them don't get spots.
There's probably 1,000. Yeah.
Wow, that's actually a good question to think about. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think there's a regular at the comedy stores like, you know, almost like a U.S. president.
There's not that many. I know.
But there's also, like,

Speaker 2 what are you Googling?

Speaker 2 They're not going to have that listed. They're going to have that listed, man.

Speaker 2 Well, they might. Look at that.
Paid regulars comedy store. Maybe they're, maybe there's a list.
I've never thought to even look at this. Paid regulars.
Oh, there you go. Oh, there is a list.
Wow.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. What a a stupid way to do the list.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is just a list of the list.
Just all the way to Jolie. Just go all the way down.

Speaker 2 So that looks like about a thousand. Just count down and across.

Speaker 2 That looks about a thousand names. Could be.
Right? Yeah. But I see like Lenny Schultz.
Never seen him. Yeah, yeah.
There's a lot of people on there. If I'm not on there, I'm going to.

Speaker 2 I see your name right there. Bobby Lee, Jody Miller.
Okay, okay. Yeah.
Karen Haber, Bobby Lee. Yeah, but you got like, look at the list.
Harry Basil. Yeah.
You know who he is? Yeah, yeah, Harry.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I love Harry. Yeah, yeah.
But Harry, when's the last? i've never seen him

Speaker 2 yeah yeah and then you have melrose larry green don't know who that is you have kelly rogers have you heard of her the fat doctor maybe we both didn't know that guy knew it you see what i'm saying you see him i was gonna count down i was gonna count down i saw that but i was like let me see how fat he was so quick it was like look out

Speaker 2 i said fat i didn't even finish fat he was like that's you

Speaker 2 Unbelievable. That's what they call you.
You don't know that? Oh, Bobby. They call you the fat doctor.
Okay, okay. Anyway, all right, take that off, off, please.
Spanky Hayes. Yeah.
Charlie Hill.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so most of these people we don't even know. You know Spanky Hayes? No.
Oh, I love Spanky Hayes. Spanky Hayes is a little.

Speaker 2 I'm not being real.

Speaker 2 Spanky Hayes is this little black kid.

Speaker 2 He's my height. Shaved head, fat, same body type, right?

Speaker 2 And him and I, back in the, we were open micros together. And him and I wrote a movie

Speaker 2 back then. It's called, it was called War Babies.

Speaker 2 War Babies. Yeah.
So basically, we're brothers, but we're like. So, how did you betray him? Did you do the movie instead with like a white guy?

Speaker 2 Woo!

Speaker 2 You know, when you left, you look like you have no friends. There we go.

Speaker 2 It's because I need a mustache on this lip.

Speaker 2 I think that's what it is. That's what's fucked up.
Yeah, my lip is. Please grow your facial hard.
I'm doing it. It's coming back.
It's so weird. Yeah, it's just not.

Speaker 2 Let's start over. No, no, Bobby, Bobby, Bobby.

Speaker 2 want let's start over no i want to continue with this all right look you start with

Speaker 2 look you you go to you go to middle school you have those friends you don't keep in touch with them you go to high school you have some high school buds you sort of keep in contact with them more than you keep in contact with anyone else but you go to college if you go to college all right and those are some people that you know you have some similar interests but for us like in your entertainers like you whatever you do if you started working and then you started doing entertainment look there's a class of people you start with you have these open mic people but what happens is, once you start to surpass them, it's hard to keep in contact with them.

Speaker 2 It's hard to stay friends with them. That's what I'm saying.
Okay.

Speaker 2 That's exactly. Thank you so much.
Yeah. Okay, fat doctor.

Speaker 2 Thank you. The doctor has spoken.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 that's exactly what I'm saying because there was a lot of guys that I had open mics with that we would like create stuff with.

Speaker 2 And all of a sudden, you're like, you become a paid regular

Speaker 2 and then they're here, and all of a sudden you get TV spots, they're still here, and all of a sudden, you run into them, and then you're hanging out with

Speaker 2 all of what happens is you start getting shit, and then the cooler ones, or the ones that you perceive to be cooler, which is so shallow.

Speaker 2 Think about it, so shallow. Like, you'll like a jazzleneck will go, what's up? And you go, me?

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 You talking to me, right? And all of a sudden, this guy that you were in open mics with, right?

Speaker 2 You just start drifting apart.

Speaker 2 Are you still friends with the guys you started with? No. Exactly.
Not really. What happened? Well, it's just, again,

Speaker 2 you move on. Your life, your life, you're going to be a little bit more.
But does that make us shallow?

Speaker 2 No, I don't know if it necessarily makes you shallow so much as it makes you like you need to be around like-minded people sometimes.

Speaker 2 In the same way that like Chappelle, Chris Rock, and those type of people, you know, they can sit around and have conversations about, oh man, you know, yeah, we made 20 million from Netflix, but I hate when Netflix does this thing, and they can complain about that.

Speaker 2 I'm going to say something embarrassing that happened to me.

Speaker 2 So I was doing that game show, Game On.

Speaker 2 So I'm standing there with,

Speaker 2 this showed me where I was at in show business. All right.
So I'm standing there with Keegan, you know, Michael Key. Yeah.
And Keegan, we were just talking or whatever. And then all of a sudden,

Speaker 2 where we shot our game on, next to it was that Cedric show. What's that called? Neighborhood.
Neighborhood. The neighborhood.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Still on the air. Yeah.
Insane.

Speaker 2 Absolutely insane. Just get me on something like that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, right. I know.

Speaker 2 So Cedric's walking down this lot, right?

Speaker 2 And Keegan goes, come on. Let's go say hi to Cedric.

Speaker 2 And I go, in my head, I start running with him. But as I'm running,

Speaker 2 you know, Keegan's running right in my head. I'm like, I don't know.

Speaker 2 Right? I'm running with him like this, right?

Speaker 2 So we get to him, right?

Speaker 2 And they embrace.

Speaker 2 It was as if they had served in Vietnam together. Yeah.
You know, Charlie, yeah. You're Frank.
You know what I mean? I thought you were dead. And they just hugged, right? And I go, I tapped Cedric

Speaker 2 because I'm there.

Speaker 2 What am I going to do? Right? So I go, what's up? Right? He goes, no.

Speaker 2 That's all he said. He goes, okay.
He goes, no. I got one for you.
Yeah. Tell you what happened to me.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm having brunch. I'm having brunch with Gerard Carmichael.
Love him. Okay.
Love Gerard. All right.

Speaker 2 He has got it. Like, I just saw him in New York, and I was like, hey, Q, you want to have dinner tomorrow? And he's like, I might, but I'm having a meeting with Robert Downey Jr.
I'm not sure if it's.

Speaker 2 And I was like, of course you are. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. Anyway, we're having brunch.
Up walks Jamie Foxx, okay, with a couple people.

Speaker 2 Jamie Fox is like talking to Gerard.

Speaker 2 He's just like, oh, Meg. His show was on the air at the time.
He's going in and in and in. They're talking.
I'm chiming in when I can. Yeah.
Whatever. And then Jamie Fox goes, well,

Speaker 2 let me get your number. To Gerard.
To Gerard. They want to exchange numbers.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Jamie Fox looks at me as if I'm supposed to get the number for Gerard.

Speaker 2 You're the assistant. Yeah.
You're the assistant. He looked at me like I was one of his.

Speaker 2 You're the assistant. One of his dudes that's just around.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was like, wow.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, really? It's insane.

Speaker 2 So I totally get what you're saying. Yeah.
But let's extrapolate this further. Okay.
Because this is what I'm really getting from this right now. Okay.

Speaker 2 You think you shouldn't be my friend anymore. That's what it is.
Are you out of your control? Yeah, yeah. You think that.
Is your mind out of your control? No, no, no. You think that, like, you're now

Speaker 2 Jamie Foxx and Cedric. And so this is why you don't want to, you you think that like somehow you're not supposed to be friends with me.
Is your mind mental right now or what? No, come on.

Speaker 2 Let's just be honest. Let's be real.
Let's just be honest. Let's be honest.
Let me be honest.

Speaker 2 Let's be honest. This is why you.
Give me that. Give me that.
This is why you wanted to be with this guy. Give me that guy.
You were like, you know what, Andrew's a, he's more famous.

Speaker 2 And so this will probably be a better matchup.

Speaker 2 I'll make a point. Give me the mask.
It'll be better for you in the long run. That's how you thought about it.
This is my relationship with Andrew. Give me the mask.
All right.

Speaker 2 Just watch this. This one gesture, right?

Speaker 2 This one gesture will tell you the relationship I have with the guy. All right, ready? Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 Listen. I love him.
But we,

Speaker 2 Bobby, you build friendships over time and experience. We had our experience together.
We went to the Middle East. We dealt with all that.
All right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then when we came back, we've had these experiences. We go eat when we can.

Speaker 2 We've had these conversations. We've done these podcasts.
You're my friend for life. We've done it.
Yeah, but Bobby, you don't, I don't think you really believe that or you don't act like that.

Speaker 2 No matter what I do. All right.
No matter what it is, no matter how many times I try to like let you know, hey, man, I'm your friend. I'm here for you.

Speaker 2 You still, somehow you just don't want to believe it. Like you feel like at some point, I'm going to pull a knife out and stab you in the back, you know, and I don't get where you get that from.

Speaker 2 You know, maybe it's from your lifelong experiences you have with people.

Speaker 2 So you have to like, so the only way to really be your friend is I have to to live with you and start a podcast with you and like, you know, take care of you, bring my family around

Speaker 2 to watch you secretly. You know what I mean? Is this the only way that you can have a close friend?

Speaker 2 That's what I'm getting at.

Speaker 2 What I'm getting is I love you. Oh, God.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 you're impossible.

Speaker 2 No, go

Speaker 2 down this path. That's where I was going.
Is it? I love you so much. Oh, my God.
And that's where we're at do you yeah i do because you know you make

Speaker 2 let me ask you fuck you you know you got me yeah you get me no no you make it really hard

Speaker 2 now you make it really hard to be your friend let me say something right now so hard to be friends

Speaker 2 because i'm going to tell you this right now all right

Speaker 2 that whenever right like this fucking situation right whenever andrew's like you know we got to get another guy and i go i always throw out one or two people right you're always either one or two it's either my brother or you.

Speaker 2 Why? Fucked hard.

Speaker 2 The reason why fucked hard. Is there a proof of this? All right.

Speaker 2 All right, Dr. Fat is this.
All right, Fat Doctor. Fat Doctor, sorry, I wouldn't want to fuck up your stage name.

Speaker 2 Is

Speaker 2 because I love you and I believe that we have good chemistry together. We're very funny together.
Yeah. You know what? The best time I...
You remember my cousin had the movie?

Speaker 2 My cousin's husband had the movie? Yeah, EJ. EJ.
I still work with him.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 He hasn't called me since the movie, but it's just a movie that really infuriates me, by the way.

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Speaker 2 So, you know, my cousin's husband

Speaker 2 is a producer. Yeah.
So he goes, I did this independent movie. Sean Austin's in it, right? They changed the name.
What's it called? I don't know what it's called yet. Yeah.
They changed the name.

Speaker 2 It was supposed to be something games, but they changed the name. Yeah.
It's about to come out. It was good.

Speaker 2 It's going to be called no one, it doesn't matter because no one's going to ever see it.

Speaker 2 They will. Okay.

Speaker 2 But I'm kidding. It's a great movie.
And I love you, EJ. Hence why your cousin's husband doesn't call you.

Speaker 2 But go on. So

Speaker 2 that day, we worked one day, right? Yeah. Right.
That was, and I vividly remember that day. I remember going, wow, I've never been on a set, you know what I mean, with somebody that I'm this close to.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I really wish we would have got, every time I see Superstore, I think, man.

Speaker 2 Now, let's go back to Superstore. That could have been us.
You tested for Superstore, right? Yes. I got pinned.

Speaker 2 And when you, when you, so what I'm saying is, is that...

Speaker 2 You know what?

Speaker 2 They wanted someone to be gay gay for that role. And that's fine.
Yeah. They can choose whoever they want to, right?

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 I did want to be on a show with you. That was my dream.
But whenever I get on a show, it just gets canceled right away. I know.
What do you mean, I know? Well, I mean.

Speaker 2 I know. You hear that magic touch.

Speaker 2 No, Bobby. Look, let's get back to it.
No, no. Here's the thing, man.
It's okay. Here's the thing.
I think we're going down a really weird world. No, we're not.
We're going down a weird word.

Speaker 2 Let's go there for... Did you see Mortal Kombat? No, we'll get to that.

Speaker 2 Here's the thing. So the one day we're playing, like, I'm playing video games, you know, you hit me up.
Yo, you know, can I, what are you doing?

Speaker 2 Because you only hit me up when like you, you have somebody, somebody, you need three to do your rebirth islands. You're like, who can we? Okay, let's see if Eric, I'm already playing with someone.

Speaker 2 And this is how you always respond. Does he have more credits than me?

Speaker 2 Is he more powerful than me in Hollywood? That's what you think

Speaker 2 makes like I wish you'd have said that. That's how you are.
You did this all the time. I wish you hadn't said that.
You go, does he have more credits to me? Okay, you'll get it. And what do I say?

Speaker 2 I go, Bobby, it doesn't matter. This is my friend.
I'm sorry. Can I just say,

Speaker 2 could that have been, could that have been a joke? You know, it wasn't because you say that all the time. I know.
I do it as a joke. A runner.
Is it? Yeah, it's called the callback runner joke. Is it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But the point is. Yeah, I'm blushing now.
You know, that is something I said.

Speaker 2 Are you blushing with me? Because Because

Speaker 2 it feels like I'm blushing. It's like when I poked, I tell you about I poked the director in the stomach.
What? Yeah, so I was

Speaker 2 in Hungary? No, no, no.

Speaker 2 Years ago, I auditioned for this movie, and I did a good one. And the director was chubby, right? I know.
I fucked up.

Speaker 2 And you know how, like, after the audition. Tell me you didn't make like the

Speaker 2 marshmallows.

Speaker 2 I did something worse.

Speaker 2 So, you know, right after, you know, when you're done with the audition, you just leave, right? Yeah. But every once in a while, something magical happens where they go, stay.

Speaker 2 And when they say stay, they want to ask more questions about you. And you know, at that point,

Speaker 2 they want to know how you're like, what you're like, so that, you know, when you're on set, they can feel, you know what I mean, comfortable with you. So you go, tell me about yourself.

Speaker 2 And I'm in my head, I'm like, I got this. Uh-oh.
Right. How'd you fuck it up? And I was really close to him.
Like, we were like, really close.

Speaker 2 And we're like laughing about something, right? And during, during, we both had this laugh,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 And I went fatty and I poked him in the tummy,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 I go fatty like this, and he goes, thank you.

Speaker 2 And as I turned around and I left, right?

Speaker 2 Sweat, fear, and just regret.

Speaker 2 Just like, what is wrong with you? Well, that's just being too familiar. You know what it is? That's the comic.
That's the, yes.

Speaker 2 that's the comedian like we don't know how to turn that off in regular society that's what i'm saying i know exactly look one time i was at the iron man premiere okay holy shit this guy with jamie fox and the iron iron premiere yeah i don't know why you didn't go

Speaker 2 you know at the time ahmed invited me to this at the time you know so we're at the iron man premiere i want to talk about that guy but all right we're at this party okay

Speaker 2 and it was fancy ass party because i didn't know robert darney jr i didn't even know none of this at the time that he was the star so everybody was there all right it was like this big thing.

Speaker 2 This is a long time ago. Yeah, long time ago.
It's crowded, man. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I turn and P. Diddy literally, Bobby, he's this close to me like this.
And I turned and his face was like this. Yeah.
In my mind, I wanted to,

Speaker 2 you know, just to be like, just to be like, oh, I kissed P. Diddy.
You know what I mean? I wanted to be the kiss bandit. You know what I mean? Just a real quick.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, and I had that impulse, but I said, ooh, don't do that. What are you doing? But it's that kind of comedian thing.
You're just in a moment, you just want to do something like, and you think, right?

Speaker 2 And then you get that response. But people go, what the fuck is wrong with you? Especially with that.
Sometimes your gut. Yeah.
You have to go against your gut. Yes.
Right. And you can't know.

Speaker 2 You don't know which one is right. Right.
So you go, so I should, when before I did that, I should have said, ah, maybe, I think it's an 80-20.

Speaker 2 Right? 80% to go bad, right? If it was a 90-10, 90% positive, right? I might have done it. But that was like a 90-10 the other way.

Speaker 2 But I know in your head, you think, if he likes this, this is going to be.

Speaker 2 He's going to write three movies. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's going to be a series. You're going to be his Clint Howard to Ron Howard.
You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Just, but it just didn't go well. It didn't work.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 it didn't go well.

Speaker 2 I know exactly what you're saying. You have these moments and you just go, oh, I don't know why I fucking did that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, I have another one for you to talk about. All right.
So this is just what happened in New York. All right.

Speaker 2 You know, so

Speaker 2 first of all, Ray Romano calls me when I'm in the hotel. I know I'm going to hear from him because he's the freaking director, right?

Speaker 2 How did you audition for it? I auditioned for it. I just auditioned

Speaker 2 on tape. And then, like,

Speaker 2 two months later, I get the part. You know what I mean? Oh, great.
You know? Because I just read for something two days ago, and already today I woke up going, I didn't get it. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 It takes a while.

Speaker 2 Only because, too, they don't know how they're going to shoot with all these stupid COVID restrictions.

Speaker 2 So he calls me. I'm geeking out.
I don't know why, but I just am. Legend.
It's fucking a legend. Legend.
And his voice is so distinct, right? He invites me out.

Speaker 2 He goes, yo, we're going to go to get some some pizza in the city and we're going to go to the cellar. In New York.
In New York. I know.
I knew that. Yeah, okay.
All right.

Speaker 2 So while we're eating, he says this, he goes,

Speaker 2 you know, I said, yeah, audition. I didn't think I was going to get it.
He goes, even before the audition, you were the first choice. I wanted you.
All right. And I'm like, wow.

Speaker 2 I get into my dressing room now later on set. And the clothes come.
The clothes have a tag on it. And it says,

Speaker 2 my name in the movie is DJ Joey Bones. It says DJ Joey Bones, actor Mohamed Amir.

Speaker 2 I was like, oh, shit.

Speaker 2 And I should have just let it go. But you know, the same thing happened to me.
I walk up to him. I had underwear.
Dude, I come to Ray. I say, hey, Ray.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, first Joey.

Speaker 2 You confronted him? Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I was doing it as a joke. But at the same time, I was like...
At the same time, I'm like, don't fucking tell me I was the first choice if I wasn't. It doesn't matter.
I'm never the first choice.

Speaker 2 I get it. I know I have have to like, so I was like, yeah, so, you know, the close of Muhammad Amir, huh? When did he, I said, when did he drop out?

Speaker 2 You know, he goes, he goes, oh, drop, oh, no, no. He's like, no, no, man.
He was a New York hire. Yeah.
It's a low-budget movie. We're trying to save money.

Speaker 2 So we didn't, you know, low-budget, and he couldn't do it at the last minute, but you were the first, you know. Yeah.
And I know he was mad at like whoever put that. Right, right.

Speaker 2 Even the game show that I did,

Speaker 2 it was Jimmy Oyang. Oh,

Speaker 2 right. And he couldn't do it.
Wow. Right.
And they told me I was first choice. I hate that.
And then he, and then there was a, and then I, I didn't tell the producers,

Speaker 2 but you know me. Yeah, yeah.
I told everyone else. Oh, bro.
I know why, dude. I'm right there with you.
I told everyone else. We're kind of spirits together.

Speaker 2 And then one day, and then one day I show up into my dressing room, and the producers are there. We just want to let you know.

Speaker 2 We want to let you know. You don't know how these deals work, buddy.
That's what you said. You don't know how these deals work.
And what we do is we throw out three names, right?

Speaker 2 They're all equal value. All right.
And we put them on the table. And we, we, right? And you happen to be in the pile of the A ones that we wanted, right?

Speaker 2 We had this name, this name, and this name, right? It was

Speaker 2 mix and match. Mix and match.
That's how it works, buddy, right? When the whole time I knew that I would call my agent and go, am I doing this? He's like, yeah, they're still negotiating with Jimmy.

Speaker 2 Which fine. I did it.
He didn't do it. Yeah.
It's fine. But there is, Bobby.
Yeah. I know we're on the same same page with this.
Come on.

Speaker 2 There's still a part of you that's like, you want to be the first choice. We're never going to be.
Listen, we're never going to be. No, no.
We're third. Can I tell you for this pilot?

Speaker 2 Can I tell you what I went through for this pilot? I know. And because you would call me and I would be like, I was going to say, turn it down.
Dude. Because after you do two,

Speaker 2 bro. Listen.
After you do two.

Speaker 2 If you don't know. After two, if you don't know, I'm not doing it again.

Speaker 2 All right. Okay, cool.
So I get, you know, I do the first of all. Can we talk about Mortal Kombat? We can.
All right.

Speaker 2 This is how we'll launch our movie. I'm feeling hot right now.
Go ahead. It is warm in here.

Speaker 2 You know, I do this audition. It's Zoom.
It's in front of the producers.

Speaker 2 So I go in.

Speaker 2 I have my room set up. I'm ready to go.
I'm waiting 20 minutes past the time. I'm calling my manager like, yo.

Speaker 2 is it do i got to write you know they they pop on the screen hi eric hi eric hikeric hieric you know i'm like oh okay whoa you know and then they they all go away they have the one girl girl who I'm reading with.

Speaker 2 I read it one time. Then they go, thank you.
That was great. I was like, well, that's that.
You know, and it's like one-time read. Yeah.
You get an LF, gone. Then I find out, oh, you're going to test.

Speaker 2 Great. I test once.
They call me. They want you to.
Can you do it again? But can you shave off all your... But wait, wait, wait.
So you're testing. You're at your house.

Speaker 2 Which is much better, though. than being on a lot in some uncomfortable office.
You know what?

Speaker 2 When I look back on it, I actually feel like this quarantine, streaming online, gaming, and doing the podcast by myself trained me for like, oh, I can just be my, you know, the best version of myself, just like this with no one, you know?

Speaker 2 It's better. So I think that helped.
I think it's better. Yeah.
And I had the lights. It was fine.
Yeah. But I did it once and they were like, no, can you shave off all your face?

Speaker 2 And we want you to read with Nicole Ritchie. You want to read with her.
Wait, wait. She's my wife on this show.
Nicole Ritchie. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's acting. Yeah.
Apparently. She's good.
By the way, good. I love it.
I'm surprised.

Speaker 2 I knew Nicole Richie

Speaker 2 before.

Speaker 2 Did you know that? Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's a sweetheart.

Speaker 2 I knew her when she was in high school, dude. You know, I love that girl.
I told her, I was like... You know who Nicole Richie is? No.
Wow.

Speaker 2 I know. This kid.

Speaker 2 She doesn't know. She hasn't seen anything.
I know. It's just, I already know.
It's like the age gap now. Now I get it.
You know? Look at her. And here's what the.
Can I tell you what the problem is?

Speaker 2 Let me tell you what the problem. The problem is.
You know who Lionel Richie is?

Speaker 2 American Idol host. That's probably how you would only know him from.
The name sounds familiar. Is it me? Your little bit of a drink.
Let's go.

Speaker 2 No let.

Speaker 2 Adele is, hello.

Speaker 2 It's me.

Speaker 2 It's a different song.

Speaker 2 Maybe I sing it more like. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know him? Yeah. He has a daughter named Nicole Richie, but they're not blood related.
You know that, right? Even though they look alike.

Speaker 2 I know it's weird. It is weird.
Maybe there's something we don't know. Sweet girl.
And she's dope. She's just a regular ass mom, too.
Yeah, yeah. You know? Anyway, the problem is, I know what it is.

Speaker 2 With my gray beard,

Speaker 2 even though she's, like, she doesn't, she tells her herself, she's about to be 40. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But she looks 21.

Speaker 2 So can we be married? I think that was what the thing was.

Speaker 2 They made me shave off. Don't even start.
Stop it. Don't be mean.

Speaker 2 Sitcoms are full of hot women,

Speaker 2 ugly husbands. That's how it works.
I don't buy it.

Speaker 2 I honestly, can I just be because I want to be, you know, I'm going internal. I honestly don't buy it.
If I, I don't, I can't see you with it. Like, if I'm watching a show,

Speaker 2 I think you're great. But if I'm watching a show.
Don't throw that in. Yeah, yeah.
And there's a scene where, you know what I mean? There's an attractive or even like mid-range girl, right?

Speaker 2 Lady in bed, right? And she's like saying some setup to a joke.

Speaker 2 By the way, you're back. This is your back.
So whatever work you do.

Speaker 2 do i don't know why uncle jam say that about me and then they do a pand you right i'm gonna be like intruder or something right that doesn't do you feel good about yourself right now did that feel good it felt good

Speaker 2 you know what internal i'm gonna go outward i'm gonna i'm gonna be myself it right let me say something to you right you're a very funny guy but you and nicole ritchie there's no way yeah well it worked it happened yeah and it worked it worked it worked did you get picked up i don't know yet okay we'll see we'll see you know it's so funny because you've had so many cool jobs that I've like been so jealous of, especially when you worked with Captain Picard.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, Blunt Talk. It was great.
I mean, it's like

Speaker 2 it makes me angry. Why? Because I love that guy so much.

Speaker 2 Is it about that or is it about some sort of like... Anyway, did you see Mortal Kombat? What did you think?

Speaker 2 Did you see it?

Speaker 2 Did you see Mortal Kombat? Is it some kind of thing? I talk about it. Look, it's okay to have...
I'll talk about movies. It's okay to have like a

Speaker 2 envious, jealousy, and that kind of thing. It's fine.
Bobby, you've got envious. You have a great career.
You were on on Mad TV for like 19 years, okay? You had a long, lustrious career at MTV.

Speaker 2 You've done a lot of great movies, right? Come on, name some of them. Help me.
Dictator.

Speaker 2 Dictator. Well, that's another one.
Splitting together.

Speaker 2 That's a show. That was a show.
Did you see Mortal Compact? I did. Give me, what did you like? Did you like it? The only thing I liked about it was that it was rated R.

Speaker 2 Because if it was PG-13 and it was no blood, it would have been because there would be the what? What are we doing? Yeah, what are we doing?

Speaker 2 You know, I it just there are things it's like when Scorpion throws the thing, right? Yeah, and he goes, get over here

Speaker 2 when he says that, yeah, he throws it, right?

Speaker 2 Don't you think it's cooler if he doesn't say it? Yeah, even in the game, it's just better to just to pull him over, yeah, you know what I mean, but getting over here.

Speaker 2 It's like, and then you, you have the thing in your head,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 And you're you're like, What? I have no choice,

Speaker 2 right? I'm going over, right? Because you're being pulled over there.

Speaker 2 I thought that the beginning of the movie, the first 15 minutes, was the best part of the movie. Oh my god, when you saw the first 15 minutes, I was like, This is gonna be good.

Speaker 2 Not only good, the greatest thing ever made. Yeah, I'm like, I thought this is great.
This is real, yeah, right. It, you know, it puts these characters in a

Speaker 2 real, believable setting. And by the way, nothing's better than those like

Speaker 2 Asian movies those where it's like you know the noble asian guy and you know he's got his family and he cares about his family and it's always shot in some like village jungle thing like that and it's like jungle thing yeah yeah there's always like some like you know jungle yeah it's like the jungles of korea or wherever

Speaker 2 wherever they do those movies are always the best yeah yeah those those kind of like when did it go bad right after that Like right after, you know, when it went to modern times. It was like, what?

Speaker 2 No, you're watching and you're going, you see the beginning, you're like, okay, this is going to be good.

Speaker 2 And then you're just, you go back to modern times and then you're like, okay, just give it a chance. I'm just giving you your thought processes, right? Give it a chance.
Okay, so he's this guy.

Speaker 2 He's like MMA fighter. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, that I don't believe any of it because, you know what I mean? That's not how these fights go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What is he? Some underground fighter.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 And you just show up in a gym. You're just sitting there in like where lockers are.
And like, you're fighting today, buddy.

Speaker 2 And by the way, by the way, if i had a birthmark that was a full-on dragon dragon tattoo right i'm not gonna just be like oh yeah you know i've had this my whole life no bitch this is something

Speaker 2 right you know what i'm saying

Speaker 2 you don't just get a dragon on your body like yes and then and then you meet someone else like well i would take a photo on the internet first of all right anybody anybody have this dragon tattoo on the chest

Speaker 2 also can i just say this too it's like

Speaker 2 we grew up with the video games, right? Can the lead be

Speaker 2 somebody from the games? Right. Pick one.
Yeah, it could have been anybody. It could have been

Speaker 2 20 characters. Liu Kang.
Yeah, yeah. Make Liu Kang the guy.
Right? But they didn't. Let's, you know what I mean? Let's throw in a curveball.
You know what it is?

Speaker 2 It's the writers going, let's throw in a curveball.

Speaker 2 And when they go, when they throw in a curveball, they fuck it up. Yeah.
Put Liu Kang in it.

Speaker 2 And I always like that they have to find, like, they find the Asian guy that you see him and you clearly think, could he, he might have some, some white in him. It's always that Asian guy, too.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? It's never like Asian Asian. You know what I mean? You know what you're speaking my language? You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 It's never like really like, like, does that guy own a store in South Central Asian? It's never that Asian.

Speaker 2 Right. You know what I mean? It's always like a guy that's like, he's like, it's the most handsome Asian you can possibly find.
He's the Steve Byrne Asian. Yes.

Speaker 2 They put in the Steve Byrne Asian, right? And even he's a little more Asian than

Speaker 2 they really want. Right.
He can do comedy, but that Steve Byrne Asian isn't going to be an action star. You know what? It's war baby Asian.
Yeah. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 It's the kind of Asian where, you know, I mean, American, right? Or America, right?

Speaker 2 American soldiers went into a, you know what I mean, colonized a place, raped some girls, and they had a baby, and all of a sudden, boom, the lead of fucking Mortal Kombat.

Speaker 2 Or it does not always have to be horrible. Or it's like you take Bruce Lee.
I took it to Tafara. You took it too far.
That was dark.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it could just be Bruce Lee, who doesn't want to date Asian women anymore. And he finds a white girl.
But can I say this, though?

Speaker 2 I've always liked that about him.

Speaker 2 You know, I really did. Because at that time, right?

Speaker 2 Before, like, when I was five, I realized,

Speaker 2 just in your mind, you look in the mirror and you go,

Speaker 2 You're never going to fuck a white girl. That's never going to happen.
Right?

Speaker 2 That's not even, you know what I mean? You looked at your mom and went, ah, that's pretty much my option. Yeah, you're like, ooh.
A four-foot-nine, you know, four-foot-nine Yoda. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Mean, mean, mean, you know what I mean? And then you always looked at your dad and went, that's what I'm going to look like. Yeah.
Five, four, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And just a fucking asshole, which I did turn into. Like, I don't like big titties because my mom had big titties.
She had little titties. What? Yeah.
Well, your mom had little titties.

Speaker 2 My mom had little titties, so now you like little titties. I find myself always liking little titties.
It's so fucking weird. My mom has little titties.

Speaker 2 Yeah. My mom has little titties.
Yeah, I love little titties.

Speaker 2 Exactly. Yeah.
My mom has no ass. And that I see it.

Speaker 2 I've never seen my mom's ass, right? But just in a. I would think your mom has ass.
No, in a scientific way of if I analyze my mom's body, it's just bone. It's like she has a bone there.

Speaker 2 Like somebody hit her with a flat bone. Like somebody hit her with a book bag numerous times.
Right, right. Until her ass just

Speaker 2 shrunk in. It's really weird.
Yeah, so we are, I know what you're saying. So, but when Bruce Lee, though, when I saw Bruce Lee date this white girl, it's possible.

Speaker 2 You know, I was just, hey, yeah, in my, you know what I mean? I was in the garage trying to like, hey, hey, yeah, hey, yeah. You know, I took classes.
I took take on no classes.

Speaker 2 Who got more girls coming up? You or Steve? Steve. You know that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, don't. I mean, don't say it like that.
Well, I mean, yeah. He definitely did.
Steve's way cuter than you. Steve was always cuter.
And Steve always had like, he was like homecoming prince. What?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Like, he, he always, he was also like.
Shut the fuck up. Yeah, he was also popular.
Wow. Right.

Speaker 2 And if you look at my brother, you know, in the year books, he's always with the cool group, right?

Speaker 2 And I have a, I don't know if you look at my Instagram from a long time ago, one of my first earliest posts. You know, there was one photo that I posted of me doing improv

Speaker 2 in high school on stage. And I was doing like a scene.
You know what I mean? That's pretty much embodies what I was like, I think. Yeah.
Also doing drugs and masturbating the library.

Speaker 2 You were doing drugs in high school? Is that when it started?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I used to. I've said this before on the podcast.
I used to, you know, do meth, and then I would.

Speaker 2 Wow, you were doing meth before meth was even. Yeah, it was a thing.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That means you had that dangerous meth. I saw a comic.
No, but I'm saying, like, they didn't even have it perfected back then. No,

Speaker 2 yeah. I was doing the experiment.
It was no even Sudafed. You had that.

Speaker 2 I used to smoke it too. Shit.
Put it in tin foil and take a

Speaker 2 glass

Speaker 2 thing and light it

Speaker 2 oh so good mortal kombat would you give it one through a a through f it was like a d a d maybe c minus i think it's c give it a solid c yeah because it because kung fu fixes a lot of shit that's what i'm saying like you take kung fu was great if you put zombies or kung fu in any movie it's gonna be a much better movie

Speaker 2 okay yeah of course more enjoyable you put some zombies in the notebook

Speaker 2 right? If you put zombies in the notebook, it would be amazing. Oh, amazing.
Because, like, that shit's the zombies are trying to get in. It's just a whole different movie.

Speaker 2 You know, you have to decide, this bitch don't know what's going on. Should I leave her? Oh, that's right.
Yeah, yeah. You know what I'm saying? So I just feel like if the zombie has dementia,

Speaker 2 will they even, anyway, it doesn't even matter. My point is, so the kung fu always adds, and because, and by the way, because it was rated R with kung fu,

Speaker 2 that made it not be an F. Right.
PG-13. And if they had little titties in it, you would have been gave it a probably a B.
No, C ⁇ . C plus.
How about King Kong versus Godzilla? Loved it.

Speaker 2 Loved every second of that movie. One of the worst movies I've ever seen.
No, I just, you know, I just.

Speaker 2 One of the worst movies I've ever seen. Listen, I loved it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm not saying it was a great movie. I just loved that it was like, oh, they're finally trying to make entertaining movies.
Not entertaining at all. Oh, I thought it was very entertaining.

Speaker 2 It's just annoying. It's annoying that King Kong wakes up, right, And he picks up a tree and does a back scratchy thing.

Speaker 2 Bobby, if you want to break down the movie that way, I 100% agree with you because my thing is like this. What the fuck is this little girl doing with a 65-foot monkey? Yeah, what is she playing?

Speaker 2 Like, why is she just roaming around a monkey place by herself? Yeah. I don't care what they think.
It's a monkey.

Speaker 2 And then, and as soon, yeah, and as soon as, like, I don't know, I don't remember if this was in it, but I think it was. When the little girl, like,

Speaker 2 whenever, like, she sticks up a finger and his monkey finger, they touch. yeah, right.

Speaker 2 Imagine ant,

Speaker 2 right? Yeah, dude. Imagine an ant.

Speaker 2 Even if I tried to do that,

Speaker 2 even if I tried to do that with the ant, right, I might crush it. Look, dude, this thing right here, right, right.

Speaker 2 If I'm just, if I'm just, like, if yeah, yeah, yeah, look, like, it's like this, right, right. If I just come to it a little bit, you know, it's gonna move, like, yeah, right,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 You know what I'm saying? Okay, right, this, okay. This is the girl, yeah, right.
This is the girl, right? Her finger, right? I'm King Kong, right?

Speaker 2 oh dad yeah i did too too hard how did you know how much control that he's he's gonna need so the monkey all of a sudden yeah you know the monkey all of a sudden is yoda you know like yeah there's no way he meditates he would have died they would have died i just i i also think godzilla and king kong you know how sometimes they make it so it's they make it like they're they're aware where the good guys are yeah You know, like a helicopter will fly by and they're like, no, he's one of ours.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? I don't think he would, he would just be smashing everything. I don't like, fuck, yeah, that's like, like, so people just going on with society.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And a big-ass dragon is just living in the ocean and he just came on and land. Like, why rebuild? Like, I wouldn't rebuild now.
Especially if this is a continuation of these other. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 The Titans live on this planet. They just live.
Yeah. And they just come in, you know.
Yeah. They just come in.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So, but I will listen.
Listen. The reason why I enjoyed it is because if you saw this year's Oscar movies,

Speaker 2 miserable. Like every movie is miserable.
Every movie is about something terrible happening to somebody terrible or something. You know, you just go, why is this entertainment now?

Speaker 2 Why are we praising this? Let's get back to just, we're trying to just entertain and escape from society. It seems like every movie that's made now,

Speaker 2 the ones that the industry wants to praise, has to be, all right, let's find, you know, let's find. But those movies,

Speaker 2 let me say it, those movies are movies that most people don't watch. Ever.

Speaker 2 Ever. They never watch them ever.
They never watch them ever. You can't name me the last 10 best picture movies.
Right. And it's like,

Speaker 2 and they also know, the industry knows this, is the reason why they make a King Kong and these types of movies is they know that's where all the money is.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And that's why they get all the great stars, big, like big name stars.

Speaker 2 What else did you see? I know what we were going to talk about is the Snyder cut of

Speaker 2 justice lake justice lake

Speaker 2 what'd you think

Speaker 2 i thought it was so much better masterpiece than i thought that was a masterpiece i think i think they were pieces of masterpiece but put together in a four-hour movie because i wish they would have just made it he should have just said can i put this on hbo max for 10 episodes that would have been good i would have enjoyed it that would have gone that would have been good they could have cut it up as a show but i think they they could have lost the seventh chapter completely the dream sequence with the Joker.

Speaker 2 Oh, I loved that. What? Oh, man.
I want to see that.

Speaker 2 Oh, you want to see someone's dream. No, no, no.
I want to see that, but that's not a dream. That's supposed to be a

Speaker 2 prophecy

Speaker 2 of the few, what's happened in the future. Superman actually goes crazy.
You know, that's what that is. That's in the comics.
Oh, that's really that. Yeah, it's in the comics.

Speaker 2 Superman, like, he loses Lois Lane and he fucking can't take it. And he's like, I'm fucking a god here.
Which, can I ask you a question?

Speaker 2 Let's say, okay, we live on earth, all right? That's true. We're here on earth, you're a slebby, you know, 49-year-old.
I'm what I am, okay,

Speaker 2 and a human piece of human shit. What really? Yeah, you look like melting shit.
Okay, if I took

Speaker 2 whale shit, you look like if I took gathered whale shit and put on a beach shit, you look like a sick piece of shit.

Speaker 2 Like, you're the kind of shit, like, after you eat beets, you know, that you're that shit when it comes out. When you look in the toilet and go, oh my God, I'm dying.
That's the kind of shit.

Speaker 2 You like little titties? When you're naked and you look at yourself in the mirror, you probably don't like your body then because you have big titties. No, I don't.
Yeah, look at those titties.

Speaker 2 No, you can stay that way. I can see your tits through your shirt.
No, you can't. I can.
No, I'm. So go ahead.
I'm sorry. I'm doing a lot better.

Speaker 2 We live here. We find out that there's some other planet that when we go, we have godlike powers.

Speaker 2 I fantasize about this. Why the fuck would we stay here?

Speaker 2 Like, I don't understand why the Kryptonians, who have all this knowledge, if they knew, because they had to know it wasn't no they they had to i'll tell you why they should be like hey we need to go where there's a yellow sun because look at what it does to us we can fly we got x-ray vision we got super strength like because you're saying that the the kryptonians are so smart that they they're they think above that right they're thinking they're thinking isn't a problem

Speaker 2 zod wasn't like that he was Are those the ones that went to prison? Yeah, trying to conquer them. But they were in prison.
That's why. Yeah, but what I'm saying is not all the Kryptonians were smart.

Speaker 2 Also,

Speaker 2 why do you put them in the prison? Like, didn't they put, like, in the first Star Wars Superman 2? Uh-huh. Remember, they used to put that, they put them in like that crystal or whatever that was.

Speaker 2 What was it called? The something zone. The Phantom Zone.
Yeah. There's no way to kill them.
Why don't I just put Krypton, inject them with Kryptonite and kill them?

Speaker 2 See, the Kryptonite doesn't hurt them unless they're in with the Yellow Sun, apparently. I don't even know the lower.
But anyway, my point is.

Speaker 2 Let's get back to Justice League. So,

Speaker 2 the changes that they made to Justice League, I thought, were fantastic. One, in the original.
By the way, do you think you have to see the original to really enjoy the Snyder cut?

Speaker 2 Because I think you do. I think that you have to see both.

Speaker 2 If you don't see both, I don't know if the Snyder cut, you're going to kind of

Speaker 2 deep steep because my brother had never seen any of them. Right.
My brother's never seen any of them. And I go, you guys should watch it.
My brother watched it, and he goes, that was a masterpiece.

Speaker 2 That's too long to me. I think you need to see both.
No, I don't think so.

Speaker 2 Well, like, like, for instance, one of the changes I really loved is in the original, flash is a pussy and an annoying character yeah in the snyder cut he was more heroic they took all that bullshit out in the in the original you didn't know who cyborg was yeah yeah yeah and in the new one you're like oh there's a backstory he's a good guy i like that whole thing where he was like he gave that lady money from the atm machine yeah right who is that lady just some lady yeah yeah like that was really cool it showed his heart that's what i'm saying i know they just they they but because they what he was saying i think snyder was like look man we lost to university We lost to

Speaker 2 when you make love to a woman. Here we go.

Speaker 2 You don't know how to do rabbit style. Rabbit style? Yeah, like power fuck.

Speaker 2 Close your ears. So you're power fucking Kalilo.
No, you go.

Speaker 2 You probably don't do that. Yeah, I have mine times when I want to go quick.

Speaker 2 I want to go quick. That's gross.
Don't let the size fall. Yeah, no.
I'm a strong man. You're right.

Speaker 2 I could beat your ass if I wanted to. Why is it when you're like, when people get knocked out in a movie, right?

Speaker 2 And they wake up in a foreign area, unless they're either tied to a tree in a forest or they're in a dungeon. What is the first thing they say when they wake up? Where am I? No, they go,

Speaker 2 hello? Oh.

Speaker 2 As if like the captor, the guy that captured them is going to go, hello.

Speaker 2 They never do that. They always go, hello? Anyone there? Yeah.
Right?

Speaker 2 That's not the first.

Speaker 2 If I was captured and I woke up, I'd be like,

Speaker 2 no, no, like I'm on vacation in Italy. Right, right.
Okay.

Speaker 2 And all of a sudden, I drink something and I wake up in a thing. I wake up, I'm going like this.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm not.
Well, I can tell you what, the first thing, the first thing that comes out of my mouth is this.

Speaker 2 I'm being real. Let's be real about it.

Speaker 2 What the fuck? That's the first thing. What the fuck?

Speaker 2 Because you're kind of realizing what you're... You go, the fuck, man.
What the fuck? I would probably say it five times. I'm just being real right here.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hello? I could probably say hello. Hello.
You're right.

Speaker 2 You're right. Hello.
Prove yourself. Hello.

Speaker 2 Hello. Hello.

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 You put yourself there and you still.

Speaker 2 I put myself there and then I realize that hello. You know what? Let me say it.
Let me go back. Let me go back.
I wake up.

Speaker 2 What the fuck?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, hello.

Speaker 2 Yeah, hello would be the thing because you're in a situation where you don't know where anyone is. This is happening.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 you're trying to figure out,

Speaker 2 is there anyone there?

Speaker 2 Is anyone there? Maybe with essay, is anyone there?

Speaker 2 I'm here.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's always the guy have to be like that.
How scary, scared would you be? Well, I'd be scared if it was him. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. What's that? Yeah, he.
Or like, remember the human.

Speaker 2 You ever see the human centipede? Oh.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what that's those that kind of shit scary movies like that, but would you

Speaker 2 like if you're surgically tied to a hot chick even though you're tied to their anus would that make it sometimes no it would make it worse. It would make it worse.

Speaker 2 Let's say but let's say you're you wake up and you're surgically tied to like who's a hot hot woman. Yeah, but but but listen I don't care how hot they are a dirty butt is a dirty butt.

Speaker 2 Right. Like are they washing?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I'd rather be like with like, you know,

Speaker 2 who's a hot chick? Like, Scarlett Johansson,

Speaker 2 right? Than, for some reason, Tay Diggs.

Speaker 2 What? That's a very odd choice. Why?

Speaker 2 That you picked Tay Diggs out of your head.

Speaker 2 Or Delroy Lindo.

Speaker 2 Is that better? Del Roy Lindo. You know what I mean? I would rather have a hot chick, no?

Speaker 2 Anytime I see like a period piece movie

Speaker 2 where it's like oldie times or something, Sherlock Holmes times, I can't escape the fact that everybody's ass is dirty.

Speaker 2 Like I always think that. Like if it's like seven, like if it's like pre-1900s type stuff.
Yeah, no bidets. There's no bidets.
Right. You know, they're on a pirate ship or whatever it is.

Speaker 2 And I'm just thinking to myself, everybody stinks on this. Like, right.

Speaker 2 So in this human centipede situation, it's not like the guy was like making sure everybody shower.

Speaker 2 Like there was no scene where the guy was like it wasn't like silence of the lambs like pour the lotion or like it's you think like it's a summer it's 17th century france yeah right it's hot it's hot you meet a woman right and and she's like oh la la would you like to like let's go eat you know at this restaurant yeah right you go to the restaurant right you eat right it's hot right hot as right and then she got on 18 layers of

Speaker 2 do some dancings yeah right and you do you did you do the you know uh-huh you know i mean whatever the acapuko or whatever i don't know if that's a real dance right and then right and then you're like and she's like, let's go back to my place, right?

Speaker 2 You go back to the place, right? I can imagine once you pull the pants down, right? And she spreads her legs open, there's always like,

Speaker 2 yes, you know, because there's just, there's like a,

Speaker 2 it's like, you know, what's it? The fireball from Street Fighter. You know what I mean? It looks like this.
Like, you know what I mean? Like, yeah, that's what I was like.

Speaker 2 It's just, right, it looks like this. You just go, right, wild.

Speaker 2 You would think that, you know, you would go, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 2 And then you would have to, like, you know, like. And then she goes like this.
What what do you smell?

Speaker 2 You smell sweat, just blood, maybe, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, yeah, yeah, yeah, B.O., B.O., yeah, poo, a little poo. Gotta be a little shit.
Yeah, you gotta let that be a little bit.

Speaker 2 There's no uh, baby wipes

Speaker 2 at that time, right? Right. Like, it's like, maybe that's why people spit.
Like, when did you, when did we start?

Speaker 2 When did oral sex become a thing?

Speaker 2 Because it has always,

Speaker 2 not back then, the best, not back then, yeah.

Speaker 2 Now I'm saying, what do you mean? It was always a thing then.

Speaker 2 Especially when she went, can you? Right? And you would have to as a guy. And I think what it is,

Speaker 2 you would get used to it. Like our car right now, the car that I have, smells like shit.

Speaker 2 I think one of the dogs may be shit in it. Oof.
Right? And, you know, a couple days ago, we were like, God, do you smell that? It's terrible. And now, you know, you can't really smell it.

Speaker 2 It's still there. I think that's what it is.
You go down and you just get used to the shit and the thing.

Speaker 2 And then once you you start looking, you know, probably there's an acidic quality to the vagina. Maybe.
So you.

Speaker 2 No matter what time of day,

Speaker 2 you go down.

Speaker 2 Well, in modern times, now Kalila will take a shower and we'll do it, right? But we're talking about 17 cents. No, no, no, but this is what I'm saying.
Even in modern times, you don't just, even with.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Even like, even right now, like, right, right now we're sweaty because it's hot in here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And if Kalila came in, everyone got kicked out.

Speaker 2 She's like, let me ball you right now. I'd be like, I got to go to the bathroom.

Speaker 2 Can I go for the bathroom?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I would freshen up. What I'm saying is, like, what was going on in 1730s?

Speaker 2 Maybe there was some sort of like, you know.

Speaker 2 Did it have perfume back then? I can't not think about that when I'm watching these kind of things. Right.
And then some love scene is about to happen. And I just go, ooh, don't do that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, what's happening right now? And also the toilet. What kind of toilet situation? What was the toilet situation? How about this? They always, they had bedpans.

Speaker 2 like bed pans so it's just like you have to shit so you're in bed they never they never show that but in the crown you don't have to shit you have to go like this you got to get excuse me like you're in the same room yeah just a second i gotta pull out a bucket and i'm going to shit in the room with you yeah

Speaker 2 you know how it's difficult enough to shit and wipe yourself on a modern toilet or like you know in asia you know

Speaker 2 uh my grandparents, they lived on a mountain. Oh, God.
Okay. And my grandparents lived in a,

Speaker 2 what do you call it? A rice house. Everything was made out of wood and rice paper.
It's like one of those old school looking

Speaker 2 with the roof.

Speaker 2 So like if the wolf came, he would just blow that house down. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it was one of those, like, you know, everything was like dark wood, flat. Everything was wooden.
You slept on these mats, right? I remember. And the bathroom was

Speaker 2 because my great great great great grandfather lived there too because he's been there for hundreds and hundreds of years right and my mom grew up there right the bathroom was this hole in the ground right and there's no sewage and and you'd go in there and you would to balance yourself yeah right and take a shit but then in my thoughts i was like

Speaker 2 my great great great grandfather's shit is somewhere deep down in there yeah what's going on there like where does that is there's like some like it's something absorbing what if like down the mountain, there's like someone else is living, and they're just like, this, this, there's an opening over here that just smells like,

Speaker 2 oh, you think so? Yeah. Yeah.
How come it didn't fill up? Like, how many people, how deep was it? Yeah. Look, where my, where my mom grew up, my mom grew up in Belize, you know,

Speaker 2 in Central America, Belize. You know, it's like, anyway, they had like gutters in the street, like these gutters, with just like sewage running down the street

Speaker 2 This nasty You know, it would come out of the houses.

Speaker 2 They had outhouses It just was like you think back like how far we've come even in just Yeah 50 years but you know, I think what you're saying what you're basically saying is would we eat pussy in the 17th century?

Speaker 2 And I think we would and that because I think that we wouldn't know any different, you know what I mean? And I think that in modern times, we wouldn't.

Speaker 2 Well, because when did women start shaving their pussy anyway? Like that wouldn't wouldn't even be like that wasn't on either. Is that what you like?

Speaker 2 No, I'm not saying I'm not I'm not saying like you like it?

Speaker 2 I am have no preference. No, honestly.
Honestly. So if like you meet a girl.
Yeah, I've already I've already been there. I've

Speaker 2 you met a girl and then she opened her and she had no hair down there. I'm fine.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't would you you would you would that have even been an aware awareness thing where you would think wow there's no hair there

Speaker 2 or would you would just look past it. I would look past it in a way I don't look past you just kind of go okay this is where you went with it.

Speaker 2 This is nice, you know? That's not what I would think. What would you think? Oh, I can't say it because I have to cut it out.

Speaker 2 I'd have to cut it out.

Speaker 2 When it's really hairy, though,

Speaker 2 I like some grooming.

Speaker 2 But, you know, hair, what hair really does, though, how it really grows. I don't think any chicks are doing that now unless they're just like, they've given up.

Speaker 2 You know, because it's like, it goes from like up here all the way down to the inner thighs. Yeah.
Like it's, it's just a, like a throw rug.

Speaker 2 I feel uncomfortable talking about vaginas and pubic here, but I have to say something. Okay.

Speaker 2 It's, I, I met, I once met a girl

Speaker 2 who,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 I'm going to just say that my penis isn't a fresh product. Let's just say that.
And it isn't the prettiest thing to see. Right.
So I'm just going to preface that,

Speaker 2 you know, first.

Speaker 2 The second thing I want to say is one time I met a girl and she had one of those

Speaker 2 vaginas that came out.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
I know what you're saying.

Speaker 2 You know what I'm saying? Where it was just kind of like. It's like a swollen cauliflower.
You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Or like, you know, Jersey Mike's roast beef.

Speaker 2 Right. Not the freshest.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 2 But she had a lot of hair. Right.

Speaker 2 So it looked like, you know, fungi growing in a forest. Yeah.
You know what I mean? It was just like you could see the shrubbery and you just saw this thing pop up that looked like a little mushroom.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Right.
And then like, I didn't know where it began or where it ended. Right.
I didn't know what to do. Right.
It was like a mystery. Yeah.
You know what I mean? But you obviously I'm a man.

Speaker 2 I still like it. Right.
You know what I mean? It's like you're having, you know, something that you haven't eaten before, right? So I went in. Yeah, it's like going to like a fancy restaurant.

Speaker 2 Right, right, right. You know, and the chef comes out, you know,

Speaker 2 then

Speaker 2 I think I don't like talking about women like that because, you know, we live in a different world.

Speaker 2 We're not talking. Are you thinking? Is this inappropriate?

Speaker 2 I don't think so. What do you mean you don't think so? You're not really insulting.
Yeah, yeah. We're just insulting it's different varieties.
It's different varieties. It also happens.

Speaker 2 So, you know, but you know, there are people who are like, oh, I don't ever want to see hair. I have buddies like that who park like that.
It's like, I'm not like that. Yeah, I'm not like that either.

Speaker 2 You know what it is? You know what? The guys that say that? Yeah. They're way more attractive than us.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Attractive guys can say shit like,

Speaker 2 I don't like when chicks have like fake boobs. Or they go, I don't like.

Speaker 2 Attractive guys can say that because they got options. My shit is like.
It's like rich guys people eating.

Speaker 2 Exactly. It's like, you know, let's say you and I eat at 7-Eleven.
Yeah. Because that's all we can afford.
I love the ketos. And a rich guy would be like, ooh, I would never eat that.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And it's like, you haven't had it.
It's really good. Right, exactly.
If I go to, you know what I mean? This is just that's the same kind of thing.

Speaker 2 Hot guys always have these, like, they're always like, oh, yeah, I don't. I had a guy tell me, he said, if I date a blonde, the next one, she can't be a blonde, she got to be something else.

Speaker 2 I was like, my shit is like, is she breathing?

Speaker 2 And me too. You know what I mean? Yeah, me too.
Because she's breathing out. I'm always in shock.

Speaker 2 Any kind of attention, you know?

Speaker 2 I think that's why you and I, I can't relate to Andrew in that way because

Speaker 2 he's one of those guys that like and I've seen this, I've seen other male comics like this. I was I think I can say this.
Um, I was walking down the street with one time Chris Dalia.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 and we were gonna go see Avengers, right? Yeah, I think Avengers 2.

Speaker 2 And we're and we're going to the movie, we're in New York.

Speaker 2 We're like, I don't know what street we were on, and we're late. So we're just

Speaker 2 Chris was mad. It's like, come on, dude.
Dad, I woke up late you know what i mean let's go we're missing it right and as we're walking this beautiful supermodel i'm not kidding you came out of nowhere

Speaker 2 she just came out of nowhere and she approaches chris she's walking this way and we're walking this way and look she looked like she had been crying

Speaker 2 right

Speaker 2 so as she stops us and she goes looks at chris she

Speaker 2 It was almost as if Chris Delia was holding a teddy bear. That's what I I was.

Speaker 2 That's what she looked at me. Like it was some present for some child.
Like I wasn't even human. So you were like, make a wish.

Speaker 2 Your dream was to hang out with him. Right, right.
That's what it was. She was like, she might as well just tap me in the head.

Speaker 2 Hello, little, you know what I mean, little thing, right?

Speaker 2 She looks at him and goes, I don't know you.

Speaker 2 My boyfriend just dumped me.

Speaker 2 I've never done this before.

Speaker 2 Do you want to make out right now? And Dahlia looks at me and goes, have fun at the movie.

Speaker 2 and they just walk away, right? And now I'm in the theater.

Speaker 2 Now I'm in the theater,

Speaker 2 popcorn, popcorn, popcorn, right?

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Just if you, because that's that'll never

Speaker 2 happen for me, yeah, man. I know exactly what you're saying.

Speaker 2 It's just, it just, it's a different world, it's a different world that good-looking guys, even like being on the road, like, just not that we're telling Delia stories because that's not,

Speaker 2 but I have this. This is the God honest truth.
I haven't been to one city where I've done comedy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Where if I'm talking, but in the past and I'm talking to a girl just all of a sudden without her saying, do you know Crystalia?

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 In a way of like, you know, can you? And I'm like, okay, let's see you. Yeah, see you.

Speaker 2 Get on my face. I'm done with you.
Yeah. You know, so it's like, like, I had one Crystalia moment that I thought.
And you're still with her. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 Where I thought this has never happened. It's never happened before or after.

Speaker 2 I was at the Tampa Bay Improv. This is before I met Kalila.
Yeah, he has to preface it that way. When I met Kalila, right?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 there was this girl at the bar, and she was brunette,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 And I walked by the bar and she goes, hey, to me. Oh, hi.

Speaker 2 Whenever a hot chick,

Speaker 2 whenever a hot chick says hey, I always say it like that. Hi.
Or a question. You know what I mean? And then she goes,

Speaker 2 basically you went. Yeah.
Like, because you know, maybe it was toward somebody that was in back, because that happened before me, too. Oh.
Where some says,

Speaker 2 I say hi, and they're really saying hi to the guy in back of me. You know what I mean? So hi.
And she goes, hey, you know, I grew up watching Mad TV or whatever. It might be.

Speaker 2 And when that happens, it's like, maybe?

Speaker 2 There's a shot, right? Yeah. And then there was a, I went in the green room and there was a girl that was there that wants to be a comedian and she was a preacher's daughter,

Speaker 2 right? Because that's what she said. I'm a preacher's daughter, right? But she was cute, right?

Speaker 2 And so

Speaker 2 after the show, the brunette from the bar goes, what are you doing afterwards? I'm like, I'm going to go to eat. Preacher's daughter goes, I want to go too, right?

Speaker 2 So they both, and I was able to finagle this a miracle, right?

Speaker 2 I got them separated. I go, come over to the hotel room, right? Right.
So one of them came over, right?

Speaker 2 And then she left, and then the preacher's daughter came. And that's never happened.
You know, that's kind of like, those are like Steve Byrne stories, right? Or like when good-looking guys, right?

Speaker 2 That happened one time where I hooked up with two girls in one night. And I think I prayed.
I think when the preacher's daughter left, right?

Speaker 2 I got on my hands and knees by the bed. I did old school.
And you know how the hotel has a Bible? Yeah, yeah. I brought that out.
The Gideon's Bible. I brought that out.
I put my hand on it like this.

Speaker 2 Like I was testifying, right?

Speaker 2 I go, dear Lord, thank you so much for that. I'm so grateful.
I started crying. I'm so grateful.
Thank you so much. And then isn't it at that moment you realize? Stand-up is the best.

Speaker 2 Why you even got into the business? That's why. Yeah, dude.
That's exactly why. I have had...

Speaker 2 I've had.

Speaker 2 I know. Look at you.
I've had one of those. What do you mean? Look at me.
I'm kidding, man. You just love saying it.
It's a joke. Does it make you feel better? It's a joke, man.
I love you, man.

Speaker 2 That's it. It's a joke.

Speaker 2 Whatever. Yeah, you had these, of course, before Rachel.
You have to. Look at Rachel.

Speaker 2 Just thought. When I see you and Rachel in the same photograph, I just go, what the fuck, man?

Speaker 2 What a miracle.

Speaker 2 She hit me.

Speaker 2 You know how... This red bull was filled.
Oh, stupid. And that was bad.
It's okay. This is coke.
Andres can clean it up.

Speaker 2 This is why he's going to, we're going to wake up and he's going to be a little bit more. I know, we're going to be tied to a podcast.
Hello.

Speaker 2 but it's gonna be like a podcast too he's gonna like now we're going to talk about what i want to be talking about

Speaker 2 yeah yeah

Speaker 2 so um i'll be and i i've never really said this out loud again i'm the city's all about revelations okay

Speaker 2 i used to have this dream right or this fantasy where i had this brunette right girl dressed in white with no face it was a dream i had and i don't know why but she was always in the because my my cousin Andy and Paul lived in a mansion right growing up, and she was it was like a dream where this girl was, you know,

Speaker 2 in the driveway wearing a white dress with no face, but with tall brunette, very brown, and she's kind of swaying back and forth. And I always went, Is that my future girlfriend?

Speaker 2 Or, and I think that's Kalila.

Speaker 2 It works.

Speaker 2 We might, we meet people, and it just works.

Speaker 2 You go through all the things you have to go through

Speaker 2 to make it happen.

Speaker 2 And once it happens, you're in this situation and boom. Are you a Woody Allen fan?

Speaker 2 Sometimes. Did you see the documentary? No, I didn't see the documentary.
I didn't want to, you know why? I'm off HBO documentaries, man. Why?

Speaker 2 Because a lot of them, it's like, I don't know if they, I think they're just doing them for shock value. And that, did you call in at the store? They called me, yeah.
You're going up this weekend?

Speaker 2 I told them I was available.

Speaker 2 You're scared to do it? But did you put you put you on the list? I have no idea. Because the lineups are out.

Speaker 2 So they fucked you. I don't know.

Speaker 2 The new people fucked you. I know it.
I'm going to call the store right now. It's Emily.
Yeah, I'm going to know. I'm going to call the store right now to see if

Speaker 2 you're on the list, okay? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 If she doesn't pick up for me right now.

Speaker 2 This is Emily. Emily, Bobby Lee.
Hi, Bobby. How are you? Hi, I'm sitting here with Eric Griffin.

Speaker 2 Not on Saturday either. He called in and he didn't get a spot.
What's going on?

Speaker 2 Oh, no. Sorry.
I will. I'm rejoining the lineup right now.
I will get back to you guys.

Speaker 2 A lot of moving parts. What? So is Eric going to get a spot?

Speaker 2 Yeah, let me just double-check the lineup. Sorry, I'm out walking my dog.
Oh, okay. It looks like no, then.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it looks like a fear. Well, you're on the podcast right now, so you're on bad friends.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so

Speaker 2 that was a screw-up on your end. Wait, am I surprised guest? Yeah, yeah, you're surprised guest.
Who's surprised guest?

Speaker 2 Who's surprised guest?

Speaker 2 Alicia Cooper. It's a surprise.
Argus Hamilton. Let's see.
Ron Funches. Okay, Rick Angle.
Wait, wait, Argus gets a spot. And Eric Griffin, who's like just booked a pilot and does a bunch of stuff.

Speaker 2 Jeff Ross, Neil Brennan, Tim Dylan, Andy Letterman, Brian Bowers, and Sandra La Calanana. Yeah, I like him.
He's very funny.

Speaker 2 Sandra. All right, anyway, I'll rework it because you got to put Eric Gimme a spot, okay?

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay, bye-bye.
I don't see you either, though. I didn't call in.
Oh, why not? I'm not going to call in until May. Why is that? After I get back from Europe.
Oh. Do you have a game for us?

Speaker 2 We do. It's called Imaginary Gift.
Yes. And if they're actually a real game.
A couple's game where one partner gives the other an imaginary gift.

Speaker 2 The couple talks about the gift without naming it or giving obvious clues. The goal is for the partner who receives the gift to figure out what is a kind of guessing game.

Speaker 2 But the real purpose is for the couple to experience. So I don't know what it is when I'm giving it to them.
And we're not a couple, so we're not gay.

Speaker 2 No, no, but you're doing it as like a bonding, as more of like, hey, let's come up up all right let's do it i'll try i don't know how it works but let's give it a go but let me give you a gift the person who gives the gift knows what it is okay let me think let me think of what it is this is why is he giving me the see i can't trust him right why why why

Speaker 2 i should be giving you the gift no you should be giving me the gift i'm gonna you never give you know what you know what okay i know what it is

Speaker 2 i know what it is okay

Speaker 2 so i'm gonna knock is this like charades no well let's just pretend i'm coming over to your house i'm gonna knock on the door how did you knock on the door just when's the last time you knocked on someone hello Let's just start with.

Speaker 2 You're going to step to improv now.

Speaker 2 I've already started. That's how you would answer the door? Yeah.
All right.

Speaker 2 Who is it? Hey, dude, it's me, Bob.

Speaker 2 Bobby.

Speaker 2 Bobby Lee? Yeah, man.

Speaker 2 Hurry up, man. I got a present for you.
Open the fucking door. I'm not dressed.
Give me a second. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'm dressed. Okay.
Welcome. Hey, Bobby.
Hey, man, how are you? Hey, dude, happy belated birthday. Oh, thank you.
Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 I can't believe it. It was hard to get it.
I remember

Speaker 2 I know. I know.
And I can't believe I remembered how to get to your fucking house. But

Speaker 2 here it is.

Speaker 2 Is that what happens in the improv? Yes. Does he open it or no?

Speaker 2 No, he has to guess what is in the middle of it. But before you open it,

Speaker 2 you're going to have to guess what it is. No, by what you talk about it, I'm supposed to figure out what it is.
Is that what it is? Yes. Okay.
Do I ask questions like, oh, it's...

Speaker 2 Yeah, you have to ask questions.

Speaker 2 It's so big?

Speaker 2 Why is it so big?

Speaker 2 Because for a big fella.

Speaker 2 Is it a jacket? No. Is that what?

Speaker 2 That's a big... How does this.

Speaker 2 Come and explain us this weird game. Come back, India.
This weird European game you have us playing.

Speaker 2 You guys have to, together, you're going to create something. Okay, yeah, but you said that I already know what it is.

Speaker 2 Well, you're giving him something, but that's going to change because he's going to say, hey, why is is this red? Maybe you thought it was a banana, but now it's red. So you would adapt.

Speaker 2 Oh, is that what it is? Knock, knock, knock.

Speaker 2 Come in, it's open. All right.
Hey, what's up, dude? Happy belated Christmas.

Speaker 2 Just

Speaker 2 don't. Wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 2 Is this the energy you're bringing me a gift?

Speaker 2 Start over. Start over.
That belated Christmas.

Speaker 2 You did it like Kalila made you go over there.

Speaker 2 The scene before this was like,

Speaker 2 I really should be nicer to Eric.

Speaker 2 Ding-dong.

Speaker 2 Hey. Hey.
Can I come in?

Speaker 2 Take your shoes off. Can I come in? Take your shoes off first.
All right. I'll take my shoes off.

Speaker 2 I just want to let you know, bud, that

Speaker 2 I'm grateful for you. And I've been thinking about you a lot lately, and I really enjoy your company, and I enjoy you as a human being.

Speaker 2 And boy, you know, I felt a lot of guilt for not getting you a Christmas gift. I know it's August.

Speaker 2 I know it's August.

Speaker 2 This guilt has been really building. It's been building.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I haven't been able to sleep well. So I got you a gift.

Speaker 2 This is great. Yeah.
And this is, wow, this is so much money. I can't believe you, you, you, this much money into it.

Speaker 2 How can you tell I put money into it you haven't opened it up yet

Speaker 2 I could tell by the wrapping paper yeah the wrapping I got at you know

Speaker 2 I got it at JC Penny

Speaker 2 just doesn't look JC Penny aren't they closed yeah I know but there's one outlet open in Oxnard oh so you went to the the JC Penny outlet outlet right and

Speaker 2 it's so funny it's like it's like a weed store the the the wrapping section because it's like you could get there's different tiers right there's the cheap one right but i got you the high class one so it looks like it's dolce galbana but it's really jc penny anyway you know what i mean here you go all right yeah i want to open it up

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 merry christmas oh wow yeah

Speaker 2 how did you know my size

Speaker 2 because um from the internet

Speaker 2 The internet? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's funny there's, you know, the internet has different sites with, you know, celebrities.

Speaker 2 Celebrity sizes? Celebrity sizes. And,

Speaker 2 you know, I knew that

Speaker 2 this would be, this is the size of your head.

Speaker 2 Oh. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. Yeah.
Oh, and it looks like it would fit, too. So you did a good guess.
Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's elastic.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, so you know what I mean? It's an elastic situation. So if it's elastic, why did you worry about...
So you didn't even, it didn't even matter the size because this is like one size fits all.

Speaker 2 No, it isn't. Even if you put like an elastic thing on something too large, it might snap and it could hurt somebody.
Okay, so right. So I had to go on the internet to look at your size.

Speaker 2 So this, yeah, so the elastic part fits on my head. Yeah.
You like the color? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I like that it's black and orange. Yeah, because that's from your favorite team, the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Speaker 2 The Pittsburgh Steelers. And

Speaker 2 put it on. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow, it fits perfectly on my head.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 don't and don't you like the

Speaker 2 embroidery on it? Yeah. Read it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Read the embroidery. The embroidery.
Oh, wow. This is very touching of you.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry for being such a dickhead asshole for our whole friendship. Yeah, you know how because every word, every letter, right, cost $5.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. So imagine, you know.
And there's a, there's a flap that comes out. Right.
There's a flap that comes out. With a whole poem that you're going to be.
There's a whole poem. Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you paid $5 for this whole poem? Yes, I did. So it's like, no, $5 a letter.
I would like to see the poem in your words. I want to see.

Speaker 2 Give me the thing. Give me the thing, right? Yeah.
I would like to hear the poem from you. Yeah.
Glorious night, sweet dreamer. Yeah, I enjoy you.
So immensely.

Speaker 2 The skylights, you know what I mean, create an atmosphere within each other to create energy and connections that make us a forever people.

Speaker 2 And you and I are on a rainbow carpet ride.

Speaker 2 A rainbow carpet ride into

Speaker 2 this is your poetry sway? Yeah, into the atmospheres of our own destinies. Love,

Speaker 2 bubbaloo. That's very nice of you.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyway, I gotta go.

Speaker 2 That's it? Yeah, yeah, that's it. Now, can we do that now? Can you give me a gift? I want a gift now.
We don't even know what it was.

Speaker 2 Well, guess it's elastic. It's a Pittsburgh Steelers hat.
It's a Pittsburgh Steelers.

Speaker 2 With embroidery and a poem that flips out the back. That's exactly what it is.
All right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What do you think of that gift?

Speaker 2 Not good.

Speaker 2 Okay, now you, yeah.

Speaker 2 All right, so I'm coming over to your place.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 So I have to, like, there's like a, it's like one of these

Speaker 2 at the door.

Speaker 2 Right? Yeah. So I'm sitting at,

Speaker 2 and now I'm in a room. I'm in a room going, oh,

Speaker 2 oh, oh, oh, someone is at the door. Someone's at the door.
Let me, let me, let me

Speaker 2 take off my kimono.

Speaker 2 Hang it, right? Put on my regular street clothes. I don't want people to know that I wear that in the house.
And I, oh, Eric. Hey, what's up? Come on in.
Come on in. Wow, what's up? What a surprise.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it is a surprise.

Speaker 2 What do you have there? This is a gift I have for you. Wow.
You drove all the way over here from Century City to get me a gift. Yes.
Wow. So it's very large.

Speaker 2 Well, they only had this one box.

Speaker 2 Oh, right, right. So

Speaker 2 anything could be in Atlanta. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
All right. Let me lift the box.
The bobby gets big. Let me lift it.
A very light box. Yeah.
So, okay, good.

Speaker 2 It's a joke box. It's a joke box.
But it's meaningful what's inside. All right, may I? Yes, please.
All right. So, I'm opening this gigantic box.
Okay. And Jules, can you go get me some scissors?

Speaker 2 Because there's like this. Okay, thank you.

Speaker 2 Okay, this tape off.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 I don't really see it.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 it's a little box. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I pulled out a little box

Speaker 2 and there's like a little, it says on the thing,

Speaker 2 Gucci.

Speaker 2 So that's interesting on the thing. I'm going to open it up.

Speaker 2 Well, the Gucci box, you know, you can buy them at this place. You know,

Speaker 2 at JCPenney's, they have.

Speaker 2 Oh, right. They have different kinds of boxes that they sell there.

Speaker 2 Oh, so, right. So whatever is, the product that's inside the box might necessarily not reflect the box itself.
It's called, it's called expensive wrapping. You can get it at JCPenney's.
Why?

Speaker 2 It's the same one. Yeah.
I remember you know I came over it. Remember and I got you that Steelers.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that Steelers hat. And you made me think, you know, this is where you go to do fancy rapping.
Right. So I influenced you in that one.
Yes, you did.

Speaker 2 So I thought I went there and I was like, can you give me

Speaker 2 the Gucci box? Right. They said the big one.
I said, no, no, give me the little Gucci box. Right, right, right, right.
But okay, so let me open it up.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. It's a,

Speaker 2 it's, is it a commemorative coin? Yeah. Right.
And let me see. And on it is who is that?

Speaker 2 That's you. That's me? Yeah.
Heads is you. Right.
Let me flip it over. And on the other side.
Tails is. You.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow. Yeah.
So we have, you've made this coin. Uh-huh.
I'm on one side, right? And you're on the other one. Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 And it's so funny because on this coin, like on mine, my face is in the middle of the coin. Uh-huh.
But when I flip it over, Your whole face is the coin.

Speaker 2 Oh, really?

Speaker 2 Well, if I'm looking at the coin right now i'm in the you see my you can literally see the outline of my head in the middle of the coin right and i flip it you have no outline the actual coin is your head right so that's interesting uh-huh that seems like that took a lot of work yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's interesting but you notice how the grooves on the other side of your face they

Speaker 2 yeah the grooves see that literally yeah i do notice

Speaker 2 the grooves of your face. Yeah.
They really had to do some like special detail. Yeah,

Speaker 2 to get the intricacy of like

Speaker 2 the lip that's underneath your eyes. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 They really had the epicanthic fold. Yes.
Yeah, and that must have cost extra money. It did cost extra money.
Right.

Speaker 2 That's really interesting, right? Yeah, on your side, though. No.

Speaker 2 Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Right. On your side, they just did this, like a shine, right? Oh, they did.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they did like, yeah, I would call that a rustic shine yes yeah that's interesting yeah when you turn on the other side though on your side as you can notice that there's a sort of mustard sheen

Speaker 2 it's like

Speaker 2 how did they do that how did they do that well they

Speaker 2 they had they had little kids pee on it yeah

Speaker 2 let me let me let me just wait right let me just flip it right yeah oh it always lands on your side because the weight is on that side of the coin no no yeah that what what it is. Let's flip it again.

Speaker 2 It's always on you, right?

Speaker 2 It's weighted. Yeah, no, because the imbalance of your head

Speaker 2 from nose to chin is 6% of your face. Right.
And then from nose to chin

Speaker 2 is the other 94%.

Speaker 2 So it's weighted that way that when you flip it, it's going to end up being

Speaker 2 the other side. It's very expensive.
It was very expensive. Yeah, to do, to get the intricate details.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 you can actually buy things with that. Oh, wow.
Anyway, thank you so much. I bought it with a Bitcoin.
Anyway, thank you for being here. And thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Hello, whoa.

Speaker 2 Somebody hit me up and say, yeah, why does Kalila want to fuck Bobby in the ass with a...

Speaker 2 What? Yeah. Yeah, somebody said, like, my buddy hit me up.
Who listens to it? He was like, yeah, Kalila went into detail about how she wants to put on a strap on.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she's she's proposed it before.

Speaker 2 And I go, I don't know, it's not gonna feel good. And I go, Um, just stick a finger in there or something.
But she has like these long ET fingers, and she did it once, didn't like it.

Speaker 2 It was like having like, um, you have to try it, Joey Diaz sticking his finger, like a thick Cuban dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 2 my asshole is um, it seems like it's deep. My oh, my asshole is very deep, but tight,

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Are you flirting right now?