Cinco de Amigos

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 3 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends.

Speaker 2 You know what it is? The themes.

Speaker 2 Don't do the themes. That's what fucks me up.

Speaker 2 The theme fucked me up. The theme? Look around.
Look what Andre has to put someone. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Ah,

Speaker 2 Aye, aye, aye.

Speaker 2 Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye. Happy Cinco de Mayo, Bob.
Happy Cinco de Mayo.

Speaker 2 Happy Cinco de Mayo. Happy Cinco de Mayo.

Speaker 2 Do you know what Cinco de Mayo means, Rudy? No. What is it? Yeah, you do.
You know what it is, right?

Speaker 2 Yes, I do. What is it?

Speaker 1 It's

Speaker 2 Happy Fifth

Speaker 1 Mayonnaise.

Speaker 2 Happy Fifth Mayonnaise.

Speaker 2 My favorite Cinco de Mayo movie is La Bamba. La la la la la.

Speaker 2 That's a great movie.

Speaker 2 Can I ask you a question? I had a dream too, Richie. One of his brothers?

Speaker 2 His brother was an artist, right? Yeah. Right? And then at the end of the movie, he had to get it out, you know?

Speaker 2 I had a dream too. Yeah, but your art's not as good as his.
It's really bad.

Speaker 2 He's a cartoonist, right? It's bad. Yeah, it's not good.

Speaker 2 So you didn't have to say that out. It's like, you know, it's like, you know, if I was one of the Baldwins.
You are, kind of. Oh, yeah.
Alec Billy Bobby.

Speaker 2 Yeah. If you were a Baldwin brother.
Dude, if I was a Baldwin, dude, but I was adopted.

Speaker 2 If I was genetically adopted.

Speaker 2 What a good story, by the way. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know how the Wahlburgers have a burger joint? Yeah. The Baldwins have just like a fucking Korean street food joint?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Billy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 The one brother I wouldn't get along with, I think, is Stephen.

Speaker 2 No, you would not get along with Stephen. Because he's kind of alti-right.

Speaker 2 Is he alt-right? Yeah, he's kind of like, you know, right-wing a little bit. Oh, he is? Yeah, he doesn't get along with Alec and all those guys.
I mean, they still hang out and stuff.

Speaker 2 And Alec is like fucking so far left. Yeah.
He's the most left, and his brother is

Speaker 2 super far right. Yeah, but Stephen's daughter.
But Bobby's in the middle. But Stephen's daughter.

Speaker 2 She's hot. She is? Isn't she dating?

Speaker 2 Wait, who's dating

Speaker 2 Justin Bieber? Yeah. That's...
Oh, right. That is his daughter.

Speaker 2 I thought it was Alec Baldwin's daughter. No, Stephen Baldwin's daughter.
Oh, is Haley Baldwin?

Speaker 2 Haley Baldwie. Haley Baldbie.

Speaker 2 Haley Bald Bieber? Yeah. And I would be the creep.

Speaker 2 If I was the

Speaker 2 adopted

Speaker 2 uncle,

Speaker 2 I would probably try to talk her out of Bieber

Speaker 2 so I could get in there. Can you imagine trying to convince her to be with you instead of Justin Bieber? Yeah.
Go ahead and do it. I'm Haley Baldwin.

Speaker 2 That's creepy, though. I'm Haley Baldwin.
Go. Well, since I was adopted.
Hey, what's up? If I was adopted, I would have a little accent. Yeah, of course you would.
Yeah. Yeah.
Hey, what's up? Oh, Bob.

Speaker 2 Hey, it's so good to see you. Are you going to join us for dinner? No, no, I want to talk to you.
Oh, what's up? You want want to talk to me alone? No, you know, you know, back in the shed.

Speaker 2 You want to go outside to the shed? Yeah, just, I'd like to talk to you real quickly. Let me just ask Justin.
Justin, is that okay? Yes. Justin, get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey, don't talk to Justin like that. By the way, you did a great show at the fight.
You know, where he did the fight? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very good. Very good.
Yeah, you did, baby.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. We'll be right back.
We're going to go to the shed. She's just an all of a sudden.

Speaker 2 She's just an all of a sudden. We're going to go to the shed, okay? Okay.
Have a good time.

Speaker 2 Here we go. Anyway, anyway.
What did you want to talk to me about? I want to talk to you about unusual suspects.

Speaker 2 Yo, you're dad. You know, my brother, Steve, your dad, my brother.

Speaker 2 He did a really good job. He's so good in that movie.
So good. Yeah, you know, who else was in it? It was the Kevin Spacey, was it? I went to the premiere.
Kevin Spacey. Yeah, yeah.
I love him.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's a really good actor. You know what I mean? But he likes.
He's such a people person. Yeah.
Well,

Speaker 2 when I went to the premiere, you know, the unusual source of premiere, right?

Speaker 2 Kevin goes, come to the bathroom. Like I did with you at the chef.
Yeah, sure. He did the one, come to the bathroom.
What are you guys doing there? Well, I pee in New York.

Speaker 2 You know, when I go to the bathroom, I wash my hand first. Yeah.
Right?

Speaker 2 I wash my hand twice. I wash my hair first.
Right. I pee, right? Because I'm from China, originally.
Really? Yeah. I thought you were a Korean.
No, originally.

Speaker 2 Originally, I'm from Chinese. Originally.

Speaker 2 Originally, I'm from China. Yeah.
Right. So I go in, I wash my hand for, right? I pee-pee, right? Then sometimes I get the pee-pee on my hair.
Sure. So I wash again.

Speaker 2 Right. Right.
Anyway, this time, I wash my hair, right? And Kevin washed his hand, but not in the faucet on my ass crack.

Speaker 2 I don't know what he was doing back there, but he was just kind of doing this. You know what I thought you were saying?

Speaker 2 I thought you were going to say that while you're washing your hands, Kevin Spacey put his penis in between your hands while you're

Speaker 2 that's a funny that's a funnier you're like that's a funnier while you wash your hands

Speaker 2 he just slips his dick in his hand He's like, what's going on? Yeah, and

Speaker 2 it'd be weird because your hand would be wet.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that'd be good. But you're like, I can't keep the soap won't come off.

Speaker 2 So, um, oh, there he is. There, Space Dog.
Anyway, what? I don't know why I brought you to the show. Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Speaker 2 I was just telling you, I was just telling you, I was telling you how much I love our user suspect. Anyway, Johnson people,

Speaker 2 he uh

Speaker 2 he gay.

Speaker 2 He is?

Speaker 2 I know for fact he's gay. Okay.
Because when Kevin Spacey, when I was washing my hand and his penis was in my hand, right? He told me, he goes, yeah, do it like, you know, do it like Bieber do it.

Speaker 2 Oh, just like Bieber do it. So I was going, what, Bieber, what?

Speaker 2 Two and two click in my head, right? I go, aha, right. And number two, you know, you and I are in that blood relation.

Speaker 2 That's the pitch. You know what I mean? Not related.

Speaker 2 But you know what?

Speaker 2 If you were hitting on me and I was Haley Bald Bieber, I'd be into it no i don't think so i would especially when you have those beanies on when you let me tell you something when you wear beanies your sex quotient goes through the roof without beanies fine you're cute bob yeah with the beanie there's something that you do with the little beanie do you wear beanies when you're naked i wear well i do i sometimes i'll wake up right but jewels i'll

Speaker 2 i mean look at this your beanie your your beanie sex quotient goes through the roof by the way that picture that i think liz vid liz viggiano took of you which one the with the green shirt top right oh that's dope i think that's one of the best photos you you have.

Speaker 2 And she is so talented.

Speaker 2 What's her name again? Liz Vigiano. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 She's so good. She's the fucking best.

Speaker 2 So, Cinclio de Mayo, what else Hispanic movies do you like?

Speaker 2 Three Amigos.

Speaker 2 Really good movie. Such a good movie.
Yeah, really good movie. I mean, granted, the three of you.
Did you ever see Three Amigos? Oh, it's a classic. You have to watch it.

Speaker 2 It is three white guys, which does really cultivate. It's really awesome.
It's a little weird. Yeah.
But you know who was in it that you're not aware of, but he was a comedy store guy. Hold on.

Speaker 2 Let me guess. You're not not going to guess it.
Well, no, no, hold on.

Speaker 2 I'll give you a paycheck. I know this is my wife's favorite movie.
Literally. You've seen the astounding name.
Okay, so it's a stand-up.

Speaker 2 Right? He's a comedy store legend. Yeah.
Right? He was in the movie. Okay.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 was he one of the Mexican gangsters? No.

Speaker 2 You can't.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay, okay, no guesses. He was Mexican.
He still is, I hope.

Speaker 2 I don't think he was Mexican in real life. But he played Mexican in Three Amigos? Yeah.
Okay. Yeah, yeah.
And he might be. I don't know.

Speaker 2 We have to look it up later, but he was in the movie, and I'll give you all my proceeds that I make now

Speaker 2 for this episode, and I'll give it to you. Okay.

Speaker 2 You're never going to get that's how I pulled up.

Speaker 2 Freddy Soto. No.
He was fucking Freddie Soto was three years old when that fucking came out. I know, dude.
I know.

Speaker 2 I don't know who it was. His name, but we got the first right name, right?

Speaker 2 Freddie Prince? No, his name was Freddy Asparagus. Shut up, Bobby.
Freddy Asparagus? Look it up, Freddie Asparagus.

Speaker 2 That was his state. What's his real name? That's his name, Freddie Asparagus.
That guy at the bar? That's him. That's one of my favorite.
I love that. That's Freddie Asparagus.

Speaker 2 I fucking told you, dude. Freddy Asparagus.
Can I tell you something about Freddy Asparagus?

Speaker 2 That scene

Speaker 2 is one of my favorite. He's like.
He was so good.

Speaker 2 You'll hear for the Germans. Yeah, that scene? Yeah.
Freddy Asparagus? He was a comedy store guy? Oh, yeah. Bro.
Was he funny?

Speaker 2 Go Freddie Asparagus' comedy store. Just see what that happened.
Hold on one second. That tequila scene, by the way, when they're like, yeah, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's one of the best scenes of all. I can't, you need to watch three Amigos.
Yeah. Yeah, that's okay.

Speaker 2 It's so sad because there's a whole group of comics that, you know, the comedy store is known for, you know, the famous people that came out of there. Sure.
But there are a whole

Speaker 2 group of guys and girls that almost made it. that were like, you know,

Speaker 2 that nobody knows about. I mean, say that's the majority of people, right? Yeah,

Speaker 2 but they were also Mitzi's favorites, so they would get spots every night. Right.
Right. So there's like, you know, Freddy Asparagus.
Then you have Wild Willie Parsons. I know who that was.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And then you have

Speaker 2 Tomaya

Speaker 2 Atsuku, which will be one B1.

Speaker 2 There's a whole group, and it's kind of sad. Well, because they were like occult classic versus commercial classic films.
Same kind of thing.

Speaker 2 Like, Mitzi liked quirky, weird, specific, really unique comics, but it doesn't mean they were going to have commercial success. But she also knew who was going to blow up.
No, but there was one. Who?

Speaker 2 Okay, so there was one. If you ask anybody from the 80s, you ask Jim Carrey, you ask anyone from that era, right? Yep.

Speaker 2 Howie Mendel, whoever it might be, you go, Rose Empire, you go, name me one person that back then you thought was going to be the biggest star ever, and you've never even heard of him.

Speaker 2 His name was Finnis Henderson. Finnis, look that up.
Finnis Henderson? I think that's his name. And what happened? Did he die?

Speaker 2 That's him. He looks like dice in that topic.
I know. That's Finnis Henderson.

Speaker 2 He's a weird-looking character. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So

Speaker 2 this guy, right, apparently, when he performed,

Speaker 2 it was like standing out.

Speaker 2 Because you know why?

Speaker 2 Because he sang, danced, did impression. He sang dead impressions, twist, twirl, right? In a 15-minute spot.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And and then people in the back would be like oh fuck i gotta follow this guy because anyone that does music and does the dancing right right and he crushed it i heard is he not still around did he pass i don't know i've never met him go to the go to the picture of him in the white beater in the down left third row yeah so that's finished that's finished now and he can do your hedges and plant

Speaker 2 for 13.99 yeah yeah he looked this he looks like it's not going as well as it was when you were talking about it yeah yeah but you know what's so weird He's like an extra in Oz.

Speaker 2 That's what he looks like. It doesn't even look like, you know what I mean? Yeah, that's right.
But he has one line in Oz. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, dude.
Or he's like, you know, he is the guy.

Speaker 2 In a movie, he is the convict, right? That's older. He's that cleaned up his act and is teaching other kids.
Yeah, yeah. I'm not doing that no more.
Yeah, he's that guy. What do you mean, Finn?

Speaker 2 You were the one that let this clock.

Speaker 2 Right. Look at the vein.

Speaker 2 How about this? It's like

Speaker 2 the guy that took that headshot.

Speaker 2 Couldn't even have said, hey, did you take any photos where it it didn't expose every vein in my neck

Speaker 2 actually i bet he he he wants that as the look yeah okay can you photoshop all the veins in my neck hey hey you're my photographer i'm finned yeah yeah this is a regular photo now tell me tell tell me to give you some more vein well here's the first shot ready yeah yeah

Speaker 2 um no um ifn yeah can i call you finn of course yeah yeah yeah um can you um for right before i shoot don't breathe for like 15 seconds okay right and also just tense your body up okay and then and then okay lean your head back Yes.

Speaker 2 Right? Yeah. And just, especially on your neck, just tense every day, but don't breathe as well.
Is that good for photos, you think? It's great. People love it.
You're going to work all the time.

Speaker 2 All right. Well, give me the camera.
You know, I'll tell you right. You know what's big right now? What? Rolls?

Speaker 2 A lot of roles where convicts need to shoot heroin through their neck. Oh, really? Yeah.
There's a lot of parts that way. Okay.
Heroin neck shooters. All right.
Yeah. Cam up.
Let's go. All right.

Speaker 2 So anyway, do the I'm ready. You're breathing.
Bring up the camera and let's go. Stop breathing.
Ready? All right. One, two, three.

Speaker 2 That's what it is. I hope Finnis is doing well, by the way.
I hope you're doing well. I don't know where you are.
I hope you're crossing. Also, look at his lips.
Right?

Speaker 2 Work done.

Speaker 2 Work down. Work done.
Look at that. And how about this? Can I say this too?

Speaker 2 You know, whoever did the headshot, right? Or his makeup, right?

Speaker 2 Could he have said, hey,

Speaker 2 do you guys have anything, a moisturizer for my lips or a lip? No? Chopstick? Nothing? We don't. We don't.
Okay, just go. Because it's really, we're in the desert right now.

Speaker 2 I don't know why we're shooting in the desert, but... Holy shit, dude.
Put something on there. Or Finn.
Finn, I hope you're doing well.

Speaker 2 So he used to be the crusher. He was a crusher.
Well, you know, maybe he's still doing great and he's doing his own thing and he's doing his own way. I have one more name for you.

Speaker 2 I wonder why these stories don't work. Beaumont.

Speaker 2 Beaumont Green? Beaumont Bacon. Beaumont Bacon? Just stop for a second.
Why did everybody have names?

Speaker 2 Beaumont Bacon, dude, right? Beaumont Bacon was a a Japanese guy. No.
Beaumont Bacon was a woman.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah. That's her right there.
That's her right there. That's Beaumont Bacon.
There's Beaumont Bacon. I love Beaumont Bacon.
So Beaumont Bacon was in the movie, Jerry Maguire. She had one line.

Speaker 2 Wait.

Speaker 2 You're not going to remember. I used to jerk off to that movie.
What? Opening scene.

Speaker 2 He's having sex with her in his.

Speaker 2 Don't you remember the opening scene? I used to jerk off to Reanimator.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 You know what Reanimator is? No. Reanimator was a horror movie.
Reanimator? Yeah, Reanimator. B movie.
Did you like that movie? B movie. It's a B movie, yeah.
It's called Reanimator. Oh, dude.

Speaker 2 All right, so there's a scene where I think this woman is like, she had her tits out. That's hot.
Right. So I would pause the VCR, right? Because

Speaker 2 back then when you were in high school, we had VCRs. Can't have porn.
There's no porn. There's no porn.
You can't find it.

Speaker 2 I don't have a car. I can't go nowhere.
You have to pause the hat. So you have to get what you get.

Speaker 2 Right? So she was like,

Speaker 2 where cancer came

Speaker 2 right yeah and i would pause perfectly right and i would look to see if my parents were like sleeping yeah and i would just jerk off frantically yeah and then i would feel so you know that feeling yeah of you when you after you shame unload shame it's like a hole in your gut yep and you can feel the wind blowing through it it's so empty yeah you feel like you feel you feel like the saddest boy in the world yeah and then meanwhile you're just sitting there after you nut and you have like cum on your hand little teenage cum yeah it's it's very sticky viscous viscous viscous viscous yeah and you're just like and then you start wiping it on your shirt or whatever right and there's just a sadness there you call your dog you go come here come here puncho

Speaker 2 no

Speaker 2 you grab a couple of socks yeah that reanimator uh the the headless tit thing look dude we all had to do it she was headless though i don't know i don't think she was

Speaker 2 someone was headless in the scene

Speaker 2 I don't think she was. I think somebody was headless.
I mean, I used to do it to scramble, you know, scramble television, you know, scramble porn channels.

Speaker 2 where was

Speaker 2 that? And then you'd get like, uh-huh, and you're like, oh, hold on to that noise.

Speaker 2 You'd hear one more, and you'd see maybe a little half tit that would fade in and sap away. We had to jerk off to imagination.
I just attributed it to medical books. What?

Speaker 2 Like from health class or something? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Where there was like a uterus from,

Speaker 2 you know, how a drawing of a woman's body? Yeah. Right? Half of it's like inside.
It's open. All of her insides.
You know what I mean? Right? Her lungs, where the ribs are, right?

Speaker 2 And the other half, right? So I would just close one eye.

Speaker 2 I would close one eye and just

Speaker 2 have at it. I would like anything.
Yeah. Anything.
Well, dude, I mean,

Speaker 2 Victoria's Secret was

Speaker 2 my mom never got it. She's like, I can't believe I don't get those anymore.
I'm like, yeah, but I can't believe you don't get them either. I don't know where they all went.

Speaker 2 Meanwhile, like the underneath your mattress is like, you know, dude, you could,

Speaker 2 I would use it. I would jerk off in it.
Yeah. And then I would stuff it in my backpack, rolled up, you know, filled with, and I'd put it in my backpack.

Speaker 2 And on my way to school, I would hide it in other trash cans in the neighborhood. Can I admit that's something that I did? Give it, baby.

Speaker 2 So, there was this girl named Rebecca Druskin. Do we want to say her name? Yeah, she's a friend.
Okay. Now,

Speaker 2 and she used to date this guy named Michael Carano. Do we want to say his name? Yeah, because he works for the improv.
We're good. He's a good friend of mine.
Then we're great. So, Rebecca,

Speaker 2 you're not going to be able to find her. Well, don't Google her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fine.
Yeah, that's good. Leave Bacon up there.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I want to tell you about your bacon. Yeah, I want to know about Beaumont Bacon.
I'll tell you about Beaumont Bacon. Tell me she has a southern accent.
She does. 100%.
Okay, so

Speaker 2 let's go to Bea Mountain first, and then I'll go to the Mountains. Okay, okay.
So, because I don't want to see her face anymore. Are you kidding me? I love it.
Yeah, I want to get rid of it.

Speaker 2 She goes, hey, hey, y'all. So, Beaumont Bacon was like one of those girls that Mitzi always put on at 10 o'clock Friday, Saturday.
She got 10 spots. Oh, yeah.
That's incredible.

Speaker 2 And she was a screamer.

Speaker 2 Were people coming to see her?

Speaker 2 Are you okay?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Have some Red Bull, Papa.
Okay, I think that's what the problem is. It's okay, have more.
Yeah, you always got to fix the problem with with the problem.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 she would destroy, right? But she was like, she was a female version of Sam Kinnison. Ah, right.
That kind of act. Yeah, screaming.
High-level, super high-energy.

Speaker 2 And so many male comics were like trying to get her out of there. Because they were threatened by her.
I think at the end of the day, this is a time when there was not. Chelsea Handler wasn't around.

Speaker 2 None of the girls were around, right? Right.

Speaker 2 The class of people that we know now. So back then, the comedy store was run.
I was a kid. Was Margaret there then? She wasn't a store person.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 there was not a lot of girls. All the women that I would tell you about right now, you've never heard of.
Give me some of them.

Speaker 2 There was this one named Cheryl Vendetti who used to wear a s like one of those

Speaker 2 feathered scarves around her neck. And she would wear like a 1940s, you know what I mean? She was like Natasha Legero.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but she was a wait like a waitress from like in New York in the 40s, you know what I mean? Right. Or tap danced.

Speaker 2 I don't know what they did back then, but they all tap danced yeah I've got your dream she would come in and with the makeup and she would do a thing ah then we had a guy named

Speaker 2 a girl you mean oh yeah girl um then we had one a friend of mine Kelly Kirsten who's now a producer yeah on e but she was very funny but not a lot of people that you would hear of but she the guys threw out pretty much but Beaumont banking got pushed out she was she was because she would crush a 10 I always liked her and people couldn't follow her no that's the insecurities through the the roof.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was so funny.
And then you never saw her again. But see, what was different about that era, and I don't want to stick on it for much longer because who cares?

Speaker 2 But what was different about that era to me from an outside perspective was that was threatening when someone was crushing harder than you.

Speaker 2 And now I think when people are doing well on 15-minute handoff spots, it's only good for you. If you crush before me, it's so good for me.
Because then it necessarily. What do you mean?

Speaker 2 Because, you know, at one time I made the mistake of calling Adam and go, you know what, dude, I want to grow.

Speaker 2 And he goes, well, what do you mean? I go, well, because you give me really good spots. I always got like 945.
Yeah, you had cake spots. I had cake spots.
Yeah. Put me on 11.
Exactly. Right?

Speaker 2 Mariah had used to be. Right.
And he goes, all right.

Speaker 2 So it was like one of the lines was like

Speaker 2 killers from 9 a.m. 9 p.m.
I mean,

Speaker 2 till 11. But it's like, but right before me, it's usually like Rogan,

Speaker 2 Diaz,

Speaker 2 you, Dahlia. I mean, it was just like, and I just realized that after about 11, there's an energy drop, big time, right? Big time.

Speaker 2 So, when I went up there with my usual, like, what's I'm gonna crush, and then you immediately notice it's not working.

Speaker 2 No, you have to change it, so then you have to start thinking of how to change it, yeah, your energy level, right, and start doing self-deprecate, you know.

Speaker 2 And then, so, what I would do, I would say honest things like, this is my fault for calling Adam Egot.

Speaker 2 Then you

Speaker 2 tell them what happened, right?

Speaker 2 And they usually laugh at that. But my point is, is that

Speaker 2 necessarily true.

Speaker 2 Well, I just think that's, I think, more now than ever was like there was, like, because guys back then used to do, they would go way over their time because they could and they didn't give a fuck about someone buying.

Speaker 2 I don't, that didn't happen as much in our era that it did in that era. You grew up with famous guy will do as long as he wants and you just have to deal with it.

Speaker 2 Things around the famous guy was, I hate to talk shit, but like, go ahead. We had this guy named Anon Chalani.

Speaker 2 Non-chalante? T?

Speaker 2 Anon Chalani? I'm non-chalante.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he was Indian, obviously. Yeah.
Big Indian accent. Non-bred, non-chalante.
That would be a great Indian accent. He was a doctor.
He was like going to medical school.

Speaker 2 And he would say, I don't know even why, you know what I mean? Mexican. That's good.
That's just how he sounded.

Speaker 2 Probably had an Indian accent. No, this is the way he sounded.
Non-chalante. This is the way he sounded.
You didn't know. My name.

Speaker 2 You did not even know him. You sound like a Mexican magician.

Speaker 2 Okay, can I do my story? Is this your card?

Speaker 2 So nonchalante. Yeah, he came up to me.
I won't do the accent then. Please, for fun.
All right, thank you. So I would love to.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 He would say, I don't even know why, you know, I'm like a regular. I just opened my mic one night.
Mitzi came and said, you know what I mean? You're regular. That's literally the truth.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He was a doctor who was just fucking. Yeah, I was goofing around.
I told my friends that I'll try to open mic. But did he crush? No, he was just bomb.

Speaker 2 So Saturday night, I cut to Saturday night like six months later, right?

Speaker 2 I'm following him, but I'm in the hallway. This is way before your time.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I'm talking to like, I don't know who, and then all of a sudden, he just got up.

Speaker 2 He just got. I heard his name up.
Two minutes later, I'm just talking to somebody. I hear, Bobby.

Speaker 2 I'm not kidding you. Nonchalanti.
Yeah. And I look in the showroom and he's sweat, just sweat dripping dripping down his face.
For sure. Right? I think I'm done.

Speaker 2 And I go, you know what?

Speaker 2 I went in the OR and I never saw him after this. I screamed.
He killed himself. Do your time.

Speaker 2 So funny. Like a fucking asshole.

Speaker 2 Did you make him do 15 minutes? I made him stay up there. Oh, Bobby.
No. Yeah.
15 minutes? You got to do your time. Nonchalanti, for sure, walked him aside.
You got to do your time. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's like, well, that's it for me.

Speaker 2 One time,

Speaker 2 because I couldn't get girls. Right.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 careful here.

Speaker 2 How stalkery was this? No, no, nothing like physical. Right.
Right. Just follow you home and watch you at night when you're in the middle of the

Speaker 2 sharpening and knife. No, no, no, no, nothing like that.
What was it? So, um, Rebecca Druskin, right? So I worked at a coffee shop with her. Which one?

Speaker 2 It was called Disc Cafe and a radio station in San Diego called 91X. 91X, Disc Cafe.
Go get yourself a cup of coffee for the hot Korean guy down there. It was our cool alternative station.

Speaker 2 They owned it. Right.
Right.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 it was cool, the Disc Cafe, because I would be washing dishes there. We had a stage.
It was the first cafe that I knew about. And this is in the early 90s, right? Where we were a record store as well.

Speaker 2 That's cool. So you could listen to CDs.

Speaker 2 While you had coffee? Well, you had coffee. We had listening stations.
Oh, that's cool. And you could buy stuff, right? Not only did that, but it's like we had a stage as well.
Like for performance.

Speaker 2 For music. And people would just hop up there, but we wouldn't let anyone up there.

Speaker 2 I'm not kidding you. One time I was sitting there washing dishes and I was with Mike Halloran, who owned Disc Cafe, who's still a friend of mine.
I talked to him the other day. And he goes,

Speaker 2 oh, Jules here. So Jewel would go up on stage.
Jules? No, not her. Jules? Jewel, the singer.
Yeah, Jules? Not this Jewel. Jules.

Speaker 2 So Jules was there. She was not even existing then.
Huh? Yeah, yeah. So Jul would go up there, or like Frank Black from the Pixies would go up acoustically.
It was cool. Jewel would show up?

Speaker 2 Yeah, she's from San Diego. I thought she was from Canada.
No.

Speaker 2 Really? I have a funny jewel story that will say

Speaker 2 her? Yeah. I have.

Speaker 2 I have a.

Speaker 2 Did I ever tell you about the Fishbowl Jewel story? No, hit me with it. Okay, so I was.
So there was this coffee shop called Java Joe's

Speaker 2 in Pacific Beach. This is a true story.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So this is when I was maybe two years into doing stand-up, but I could crush for five minutes. Yeah, you were murderous for five minutes.
I was a murderer for five minutes. For six minutes?

Speaker 2 Off of a cliff. I'd eat it, right?

Speaker 2 So like, and whenever I, Java Joe had a big crowd, right? He would call me. And go, hey, man, I got a big crowd here.
Do your five minutes and crush. Right.
Right.

Speaker 2 And so

Speaker 2 he calls me one night. He goes, I can't, I don't know what's going on, man, but it's fucking packed in here, man.
Come do the five. I called other artists as well.
Right.

Speaker 2 So I had another gig, but I'm like, I can fit it in, then I can go do my other gig. So I drive down there.
Yeah. And I walk in.

Speaker 2 And when you walk in, there's a little table to your left and a fishbowl full of business cards. Right.
Right?

Speaker 2 And the business card's filled with business cards, right? I guess that's how they got. I don't know.
That's how they win a dinner or something. I don't know.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 Or that's like a part of a party.

Speaker 2 And I walk in, and Jewel's there.

Speaker 2 Jules. Yeah.
No, the secret Jewel, right?

Speaker 2 And I'm standing there, and Joe,

Speaker 2 Joe, tells Jewel,

Speaker 2 hey, can he go up? You know what I mean? Can he go up? You bumped Jewel. No, and I, for five minutes, and I, and it, Jewel was already like on the cover of Time magazine at the time.

Speaker 2 What was she doing at Java Joe? She lived in San Diego. She lived in like Del Mar in that area.
Sure.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 I go,

Speaker 2 hey,

Speaker 2 could I do five minutes before you? What? Right, like that? Yeah. She goes, you know, I'm just going to just do my little set and then leave and then you can go up.
It'll be like five minutes.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go five minutes.

Speaker 2 So I go, okay.

Speaker 2 And now I know I'm going to eat it, right? Yeah. So she's up there.
She sings one song and the crowd. gives her a standing ovation in this coffee shop.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 2 And then they go,

Speaker 2 one more, one more, one more. Right, right.
Yeah. She goes, I'll do another one.
Of course. And she does another one, right?

Speaker 2 One more. One more.
One more. She does another one.
And then she does, in the middle of, now it's 30 minutes. Two albums.
And I got to go. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 2 And I'm furious too. I'm in a rage.
Right.

Speaker 2 And this is so embarrassing. So she's singing like a very sensitive song.

Speaker 2 This is a new one. This is about heartbreak or whatever.
My grandfather got HIV.

Speaker 2 And it's you could hear a pin drop in the room, right?

Speaker 2 And I don't know what came over me, but I was so angry. I kicked

Speaker 2 the table where the fishbowl is. With the business card?

Speaker 2 Bobby.

Speaker 2 So she's singing it, and I kick it, right? And I can see the business, the fishbowl,

Speaker 2 and it's a slow motion, right?

Speaker 2 And it falls off right at the table.

Speaker 2 Bing, she stops playing. The whole place turns around, and I go, I don't know why I said this.
I go, that's right.

Speaker 2 I go, that's right. That's right.
I said, that's right. And I left.
I never played it again. That's right, Jewel.
And I didn't say Jewel. Clean up these fucking business cards.
It's embarrassing.

Speaker 2 I already told you. So that happened.
That's funny, though. That's right.
It's insane. I want you to reach out to her.
It's insane behavior. Let's call her.
She's not going to remember.

Speaker 2 Let's call her. So anyway,

Speaker 2 oh, so Rebecca Druskin. They worked at the coffee shop.
That's what it is. Jamba Joe's.
No, at this cafe. All right.
Am I boring you? No. Okay.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 she used to work there with me. She's short blonde hair.
Yeah. Glasses.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I had a crush on her. No, I can tell.
And one night I was with my brother Steve. You know?

Speaker 2 Yeah, the crazy. I go, Steve,

Speaker 2 it's like one in the morning. And I go, can I just, I've been doing this lately.
Can I just park outside this girl's house?

Speaker 2 Bobby. Stop.
I didn't do anything weird.

Speaker 2 That's not weird.

Speaker 2 Just to see if she was safe. You're the dangerous hair.

Speaker 2 You're a dangerous anti. This is when somebody kills a famous person.
They're like, I just want

Speaker 2 to make sure no one else kills her. She's a little PB.
And she had in the second floor of this. And you would park outside of her window.
Across the street.

Speaker 2 In like a silhouette.

Speaker 2 You know, with this, like, like in the movie, um, taxi driver when she's with the curtain drawn and the yeah, you know, taxi driver that Martin Scorsese scene, yes, yeah, yeah, same thing, yes, right?

Speaker 2 And I would just wait till her bedroom light turned off, oh, Bobby, and I would drive away, Bobby. Well, I didn't do nothing, it's just so strange.

Speaker 2 I admit it, real quick, by the way, I cannot wait till this video is being played in court and they pause it and they go, Your Honor, no further.

Speaker 2 I went to a rehab with this girl named Tara Black. Cool.
She lived in Encinitas.

Speaker 2 And one night, I don't know what happened, but she goes, spend the night. She was so cute.
In her room. No,

Speaker 2 she goes, we'll watch movies. And she had lived with her parents.
This isn't at rehab. No, this is after rehab.
So I was still in high school. Right on.
Right. So

Speaker 2 she,

Speaker 2 and I'd.

Speaker 2 This is so embarrassing.

Speaker 2 And I've already told this a long time ago or something, but

Speaker 2 she fell asleep on the couch and I pretended I was,

Speaker 2 and her little feet were in the blankets like this. Careful now? I am careful.
Go on. This is not illegal I did.
Sure, go on. And I would get my, because it was dark.

Speaker 2 So I would try to get my light adjusted to, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Your eyes.

Speaker 2 The dark night. Sure.
Right. Kind of like Bane did in that prison.
Good comparison.

Speaker 2 Let the eyes adjust. Yeah, let the eyes adjust.
And I would just stare at her fucking feet. Just her toes.
For 10 hours until she woke up. You wouldn't touch her? I would wait until the light went up.

Speaker 2 No, I would just stare at her toes. You wouldn't touch yourself?

Speaker 2 No. Okay, don't.
What do you think? I'm a criminal? Don't act like that's crazy. You're not a criminal.
You slowly peeled her feet out.

Speaker 2 I'm not a bad guy, man. Okay, okay, but

Speaker 2 you just watched her toes? Yeah. And what was it about the toes?

Speaker 2 Just, I've never seen white feet. Right, it's us.
No, not yours, guys. I've never seen white female feet.
I got nice toes. I'm pretty sure they're good, but I'm going to pass for now.

Speaker 2 But I've never seen white feet and they were just, they would glow. I only see, I've only seen yellow feet.
Bring up some white feet. Oh, don't do that.
I'll stare at that forever. Wow.

Speaker 2 I will stir at that. Okay, wait, yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, that one, like in the dead center, third row down, dead center.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. That is that.
So that's what it was. Yeah.
So imagine that, right? Right. And I would just, I couldn't believe it.
Because the only female feet I'd seen was my mother's.

Speaker 2 And they were like, they were hooves. Claws.
And yeah, they had like, yeah, they had like nail growing over them. Scratch the wooden floor when she nailed it.
Exactly, right? She would scratch.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? But that is what you saw. Yeah, so I saw that, right? It's just imagine that glowing with my eyes adjusted, right? And seeing it, right? And imagine me just not in a sexual way.

Speaker 2 No, just your fantasy.

Speaker 2 Not fantasizing either. It doesn't have to be nasty.
It's not even nasty. It's like seeing something like, like, I'll be honest with me.
If you were in England. I'm there now.

Speaker 2 Okay, and you were in a field frolicking. Hello, Mike.
Right? By yourself. Why am I alone? Just in this scenario, you're alone.
I'm alone. I got all right.
I see it. So imagine it's prairie land,

Speaker 2 green pastures, rolling hills. There's a little forest to your left.
No, no, no, no, no, no, don't do that.

Speaker 2 This is thousands of years before that. Okay, got it.

Speaker 2 And to your left, you see

Speaker 2 what you think is a horse. God damn it.

Speaker 2 It's a white horse, right? It looks like a white horse. Yeah.
And then as it comes out, slowly comes out of the forest. Look at the size of its dick!

Speaker 2 That's not what you're, that's not what I'm saying. That's not what I'm doing.
No, no, that's not what you're like. No, I'm not going to get that.
Okay, so I see the horse come out. And you

Speaker 2 realize it's a fucking unicorn. Whoa.
Imagine that. I see it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You would be shocked, and you would stare at it for 10 hours like I did with these feet. And that's the way that's the feet.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I get it. Something I didn't think knew existed.
This is because you loved her.

Speaker 2 That's love.

Speaker 2 You were obsessed with her. Jules, do you think I'm a creep? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 2 Maybe that's true. That's a creepy thing, right?

Speaker 2 If you woke up, if you were hanging out with a guy that was friends with you, right?

Speaker 2 Like when you go to college and unfortunately when you start dating, which I'm not a fan of, and a guy says, let's hang out, and you guys are hanging out, let's just say you're watching a movie and you see him staring at your feet.

Speaker 2 What's your first thought? I'd be really scared.

Speaker 2 Call the cops. No, you wouldn't.
Call the cops. You wouldn't call the cops.
That seems like a murderer. Okay, if I'm sleeping, I'm sleeping.

Speaker 2 I'm in a sleep, right my and i go my toes seem you know a little chilly right i open my eyes and some chick is staring at my feet but not in an angry way in a delightful way coveting your feet not coveting it's more like you know walking by you know being an orphan right

Speaker 2 in france yeah walking by i'm there

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 a pastry shop with the windowsill. Oh, we're good.
And looking at the fresh baked, you know what what I mean? Hello. Right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then you're like, I wish I could have that, but I can't afford it because I'm an orphan. They have no money.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So that's what it is. That's the same thing.
Exactly what it is.

Speaker 2 But you think it's really creepy, huh? Really creepy. Yeah.
Why? Hold on, Mike.

Speaker 2 Really creepy because I don't want someone just looking at my feet and like, I don't know what his ideas are. What is the idea?

Speaker 2 Yeah, what would be an idea? Well, what was your idea when you were doing that?

Speaker 2 It's like a science.

Speaker 2 No one's attacking you just what what do you think was going on in your head when you were watching it i was like um i found her attractive of course right and um were you nervous to be laying next to her i was on the floor and she was on the couch yeah i'm not laying next to her oh i didn't know i just like sleep on the floor you didn't make immigrant you

Speaker 2 basically was the you know chinese people go on the floor in my house

Speaker 2 Right, so you were nervous to be around her. I'm on the floor.
But you popped out. I could hear her little cute snoring.
Yeah. Right? Yeah.
I go, it's time. And you slowly.

Speaker 2 Feet time. Feet time.

Speaker 2 Right. And I.
You don't like it? I don't like it. Jules.
Yeah, Jules. This is not that bad.
Also, this is not. Listen, Jules, right? This is in the 80s.
Times were different back then.

Speaker 2 You were allowed to look at broad feet.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I'll tell you, you know what? You just, for some reason, to remind me of, I just, when you're nervous.
You've never done anything like that, like with a girl. I'm honest, no.

Speaker 2 But, but, but, like, but I'm just being honest. But, like, also, you just made me think of a time when like when girls used to make me so nervous because I they were out of my league exactly.

Speaker 2 Okay, so like this like there was a girl in college

Speaker 2 I was in love with her like I had the biggest crush on her and and her friend kind of liked me, but I her friend was like

Speaker 2 her friend was like a beast She was gross. Yeah, yeah, and I kind of would hang out with them just to get close to the girl that I liked but the friend kind of took it as a you know, like whatever.

Speaker 2 Anyway, one night we all get drunk and the friend passes out. And I kind of admit to this girl that I'm, you know, into her.
How do you do it?

Speaker 2 Do you do it in a confident way? Are you nervous? Make a joke. Make a joke.
Make a joke. Make a joke.
It was always make a joke. Okay, I'm the girl.
Yeah. Right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, so my friend, the ugly one, is asleep. Right.
She's asleep. Yeah, she's gone.
What's her name? Barbaduke. Okay, Barbad.

Speaker 2 God, Barbaduke just really passed out. Yeah, she sure did.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, it's a lot of weight.
You got to kind of get off those knees at some point. That's mean.

Speaker 2 No, I'm just, I'm kidding around. I'm just joking around.

Speaker 2 She's my best friend. No, I know, I know.
I just, she did complain about her knees and her back earlier, so I just was saying she needed maybe rest.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I just thought you were doing a fat joke or something. Oh, my God, no.
And Barbadook isn't fat. That's not her name.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 2 No, her name is Sally. Yeah, I know, but Barb, she...
Oh, you're the only one that calls her Barbaduke. I do.
Yes, I do. What does Barbadook mean? It means fat.

Speaker 2 It means fat queen. Yeah, yeah, fat queen.
So, anyway,

Speaker 2 I don't even want to watch Last Action Hero. I don't want to watch this anymore.
I think it's one of Arnold Schwarzenegger's best work. It is, but I don't want to watch this right now.

Speaker 2 I got to be honest with you.

Speaker 2 I just hung out after she's fallen asleep, and I don't want to go home because I have this huge crush on you.

Speaker 2 And I know you're way, way out of my league, but I figured maybe, you know, it's the offseason and you might want to.

Speaker 2 you know, hang out with a practice squad sometime.

Speaker 2 Is that really your ankle? No, but I mean, I'm just doing that now.

Speaker 2 That's really cool. Did it work? That worked.
Would you go slept with me? Yes. All right.

Speaker 2 Because all those little things, it means a highly elevated sense of humor. Because I was joking about like that.

Speaker 2 It's not like, you know, pre-teen or post-teen, you know what I mean? Dick humor. Sure.
It's elevated. All right, so check this out.

Speaker 2 So after whatever I did to whatever we said, I don't remember. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's into it. Yeah.
We go back into her room. I had already had sex at this point in my life.

Speaker 2 It wasn't like a weird, it wasn't like a, like, this was not an abnormal thing to go back to a girl's room or come to my room.

Speaker 2 I went in there and she lay down on the bed and took her pants off, like almost immediately. Oh.

Speaker 2 And I got so nervous by her progressiveness, her, but just being like taking her pants off. Yeah, yeah.
I locked up. And I'm not kidding.
Yeah. I kept all my clothes on.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I just went down on her for like 20 minutes. I just dozed.
Listen, man. What?

Speaker 2 What? Jules says. oh you said way worse in front of her i never did that talk about going down on someone please you've talked about getting your penis sucked by a retarded person

Speaker 2 oh yeah yeah yeah

Speaker 2 my bad jules

Speaker 2 no but i but but that and i could only do that i was like paralyzed with the fear that it i i didn't make another move to have sex with her wow and i just went down on her did she no did she excuse my language jules did she orgasm no

Speaker 2 no you didn't have the technique back then no I was a freshman in college. And I was also a good technique now though, oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 You're licensed professional, right?

Speaker 2 Can I see your card? Yeah,

Speaker 2 I got my wallet. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, but I was so nervous that it kind of just ended naturally. Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I actually think she pulled me up to like kiss or hang out, and then we just turned over and I fell asleep. And before she could wake up, it was like five or six a.m., I got the fuck out of it.

Speaker 2 I was like, fuck this, because she paralyzed me with how like

Speaker 2 hot and cool. And I was nervous.
I knew I couldn't do it.

Speaker 2 yeah i bailed oh i bailed you're a pussy oh bro yeah oh bro everyone's had those where they're like intimidated and they they i up yeah i just there was no her taking off her pants i vividly remember being like what

Speaker 2 she has all the power uh i have no control you have no power yeah so i just felt like i just jumped in i just like dove head first um into the puss pond yeah do you like it when they tell you what to do down there or do you like just improvising well yeah as you get older in sex you you love love, I love the communicate, the communication, right?

Speaker 2 And when you're young, no one talks. Yeah, because when they tell me what to do, I, in my head, I don't think I can do it, right? So then I panic.
Yeah, that's a free cut.

Speaker 2 Yeah, can you just do it quickly up of to the left? And I get like, it's like MapQuest. I don't know, even if I don't have math quests, I don't know what, right? I don't know, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 It's like trying to memorize. Is there an act in an app for a video game? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like A, B, up, what is it, left, right?

Speaker 2 I've had girls say, that's not it, and then you go, but that's all of it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm doing my everything. Your butthole, your butthole's your butthole, lady.

Speaker 3 So what's up, black friends? I love you guys.

Speaker 3 Greetings from Tijuana, a city that Bobby knows very well. So my name is Hector, and I'm challenging Andres to a dance off to prove that Mexico is much, much better, much better than Spain.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay. This is that, this is that, this is that.
This is that. This is that.
This is that. This is that.
Alright. Mexico is better because it has more drugs.

Speaker 5 Mexico is so much better than Spain because they got better music.

Speaker 6 Today I am going to be telling you about why the Mexico is

Speaker 6 better than the

Speaker 6 Spain.

Speaker 2 Hey Fancy.

Speaker 2 You let me know when Spain has Tijuana trans.

Speaker 2 And I'm sure Mr. 45% bisexual would agree with me.
Right, Bobby? Mexico is better than Spain. Because as you know, and as Rudy knows,

Speaker 2 Spain was really bad to the Philippines. And you know who wasn't fancy?

Speaker 2 Mexico. I ain't never heard of Spain having donkey shows.
And let's be real. If I was in Mexico,

Speaker 2 I'd probably ask someone where I could go see a donkey show.

Speaker 7 They actually work full workdays and earn the right to sit around in a hammock at the end of the day instead of in Spain where you work a three-hour workday, go home at noon and sit around drinking terojo saying things like did you see Zach Snyder's Justice League?

Speaker 8 Spain may have a lot of cool history and you know Christopher Columbus was a badass but Mexico has one thing and that's crazy.

Speaker 8 The crazy cartel with crazy drugs and crazy sexy ladies and not to mention their crazy awesome food.

Speaker 2 Mexico has everything. The food, the culture.

Speaker 2 Spain is just like the gay cousin of Mexico.

Speaker 9 Selena, cantinflas, picente Fernandes,

Speaker 9 um frida, tacos, enjilades, chiraquiles,

Speaker 9 um, tamales,

Speaker 9 dia de los muertos, tequila, cancún, cosumer, praa del carmen. We have like ruins, like Native American ruins.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 9 nothing really gets cooler than that.

Speaker 9 Spain is only known for

Speaker 2 colonizing rape and fancy people.

Speaker 6 Mexico has

Speaker 6 Mexicans and Spain has

Speaker 6 Andles.

Speaker 2 By the way, Jules, you've heard way worse out of him. That wasn't explicit at all.
Yeah. Yeah, thank you.
Jesus. So we also forgot to remember she's 19.
She's a grown-up.

Speaker 2 She's 20 in November. But you're not dating anybody until you're, what do we say? Married.
Married. You get to date someone when you're married.
I don't want to get married. Okay,

Speaker 2 be a nun. I dare you to be a nun.

Speaker 2 Can you be a nun?

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 Let's send her to the nunnery.

Speaker 2 Can you look up a local nunnery here? Yeah, there's a. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's see what a local nunnery looks like.

Speaker 1 It feels scary.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, it's great. Being a nun? Yeah.
No, you'd crush. You'd crush as a nun.
The nunnery. There was this documentary about.
Can we give them a call? Can we call the nunnery? No, no, let's not talk.

Speaker 2 I don't want to go to the da-da.

Speaker 2 You don't want to be that close to God? No, I don't want to be that close to Galat God.

Speaker 2 I like how they're closed. I like how there's a time for the nuns.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. No, we're closed that hour.
Did you see that documentary about that nun that used to date Elvis back in the day? She was a movie star. Wait.

Speaker 2 This sounds familiar, but maybe. Yeah, I used to date Elvis, I think that's what it was called.
Or I went out with Elvis or something. Nun dated Elvis? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Before she was a nun, Dolores Hart. Dolores Hart.
Is that it? She's an American Roman Catholic Benedictine who was previously a prominent actress.

Speaker 2 Following the movie debut with Elvis Presley in Loving You,

Speaker 2 she made 10 films in five years, including Wild is the Wind, Kincreed, and Where the Boys Are, and she dated him after that. Wow.

Speaker 2 The Connecticut nun who kissed Elvis, she kissed him. Yeah.
That's all she did.

Speaker 2 Imagine getting 10 movies.

Speaker 2 In five years. Yeah, in my career, you've done 10 movies

Speaker 2 in 30 years.

Speaker 2 This bitch was on fire. killing it, right? And then she's just like, I see why she's gorgeous.
And she just became a nun. And then what happened was she lived on this monastery.

Speaker 2 And in the documentary, it's a great documentary. She, there was this guy that, like, back then, after Elvis, there was a guy that,

Speaker 2 you know, wanted to marry her. Right.
She's like, I'm going to be a nun. Right.

Speaker 2 And I think he waited, you know what I mean? Until she was 80. And he kept visiting her every year.
Trying to convince her to stop the money.

Speaker 2 No, he just realized, you know, that's the love of my life, right? I can't meet anybody like her. Right.
So I'm just going to live, you know, in a next city adjacent to her

Speaker 2 and visit her as much as I can for the rest of my life. So there's two roads here in my mind.
Yeah. That guy, that same guy,

Speaker 2 used to be the stare at the toes guy late at night. You, right?

Speaker 2 You could have either continued to be that guy, and that would be you.

Speaker 2 That's true. Or you snapped out of it and became Bobby Lee and you figured it out.
That's true. Because that guy for sure stared at her toes.
He definitely stared at her toes. 100%.

Speaker 2 While she was like kissing Elvis. Yes.
Yeah. Can you look up Dolores Hart's toes? Let's see if they have any toe shots, can you? There's no way.
1960. There's no way.

Speaker 2 There's no way. There's no way.
Dolores Hart's feet. I'm telling you, she's on WikiFeet, baby.
Oh, she is. Bring up those feet.
Bring up the feet. The third one on the beach.
Oh, that's a good one.

Speaker 2 Is that Dolores Hart? Yeah, there it is. Sure is.
Let's look at the feet. Bobby, those are your porcelain toes.
That's your porcelain toes. You stared at those toes.
100%. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Give me the one on the beach. Can you pull up the one on the beach? Because that one,

Speaker 2 there might be a couple of better shots like that.

Speaker 2 There's one below that. Who was with? Who was that? The one right below.
To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right. The one with

Speaker 2 a guy? Yeah. Yeah, that one.
She's covering her feet. She's covering her feet.
You know why? Because she knows people are going to J-O to them.

Speaker 2 This is better. Yeah, yeah.
Look at her feet. Beautiful.
Beautiful feet. Wait, who is that? Is that

Speaker 2 who is that, Andre?

Speaker 2 Peck. Gregory Peck? That's Gregory Peck.
Is it? That has to be. It kind of looked, they all kind of looked the same.
That's Gregory Peck.

Speaker 2 You know how they all kind of looked the same a little bit at some point?

Speaker 2 Was it Gregory Peck?

Speaker 2 No, it was Harvey Levin.

Speaker 2 Harvey Levin? Henry Levin. Henry Levin.
I don't know who that is. George Hamilton? Oh, was that George Hamilton? Oh, that was George Hamilton.
Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That was George Hamilton.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he was a good one. Yeah, it was, you can see.
And we know his son.

Speaker 2 What is his name? Ashley. Ashley.
Ashley Hamilton. He He used to do stand-up.
Yeah. Does he still do stand-up? No.
Bring up his. We know his son.
Ashley Hamilton. Ashley Hamilton.

Speaker 2 He used to show up in like cool leather jackets and shit. Yeah.
And.

Speaker 2 Oh, dude, what happened to that guy? What does he do now? Is he a musician or some shit? Yeah, that's him.

Speaker 2 This guy used to come to the comedy store. But Tyl, we used to see him once.

Speaker 2 I have a history with him. Oh, bad? Yeah.
I have some bad history with him. Let's talk bad.
No, no, I can't. No, okay.
But he.

Speaker 2 Yeah, let's hear it.

Speaker 2 Well, I think he looks like Sugar Ray in that picture with the tattoo with the look at the third. Yeah, look.
Look at that photo. What is that shirt, Buzz?

Speaker 2 Do you think he's handsome?

Speaker 2 No. Women look at the past.
Oh, she paused way too long. Well, bring up the handsome photo back again.

Speaker 2 Look at that one or the second photo.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that guy's not handsome to you.

Speaker 1 He looks okay there. I like the tattoos.

Speaker 2 You like the tattoos?

Speaker 2 I think we're fine with her dating, by the way. I think we're going to be fine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She, um, so

Speaker 2 there was this one incident where Jules.

Speaker 2 It happened at the Laugh Factory where, um, this is when Eleanor Kerrigan didn't like me. Why didn't she? Oh, I know, yeah.
Right. There was a whole history.
Yeah, I remember. I love her, by the way.

Speaker 2 And she was, her and Ashley Hamilton were upstairs. Yeah.
And apparently there was like 50 comics around. And they were telling everybody that I gave Andy Dick a blowjob.
Well, I heard that.

Speaker 2 I mean, I've heard that.

Speaker 2 I've heard a version of that.

Speaker 2 I've heard a version of that.

Speaker 2 Not that you like finished or anything or enjoyed it. I didn't do it.
I've heard that you did. I didn't blow Andy Dick.

Speaker 2 I don't believe it, but I don't not believe it. How about that? As one of you,

Speaker 2 please. Closest friends.
We have to get to a point now in our relationship where you have to be more toward, I don't believe it. Oh, I don't believe it.

Speaker 2 But I don't not believe it.

Speaker 2 Not believing it? I don't believe it. That needs to be out.
Okay. Like a cancer.
Somebody says,

Speaker 2 somebody says,

Speaker 2 your good friend, Bobby Lee. You love him.
I love you so much. It's fine.
You're family to me. Exactly.
They say, Bobby sucked Andy's dick. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I come here, I say, Bobby, somebody told me that you sucked Andy Dick's dick. I'll tell you what happened.
And then you say to me, no, I didn't. And a piece of me goes, but it sounds right.

Speaker 2 It just sounds. Okay, it should sound wrong.

Speaker 2 I want it to sound wrong to you, and that's where we need to be. Okay, prove it to me.
It's wrong. I'm going to tell you what's wrong.
Tell me how it's wrong. I'm working the door.

Speaker 2 Okay, I don't know who Andy Dick is. Until.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Go nice and be it. Yeah.
Go on. I was a doorman in 1996.

Speaker 2 Eight. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And this is when Joe Rogan was on a show called News Radio. Great show.
Andy Dick was on the show. Yes.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So Joe was in the OR or whatever, and some of the, I think Phil Hartman came, a bunch of people came. Rest in peace.
And I was in the bathroom as a doorman. I'm wearing the Comedy Store shirt.

Speaker 2 Sucking Andy Dorman. No, no.
sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm jumping the shark.

Speaker 2 So anyway, I'm taking a piss and I forgot to lock the door. In comes Andy Dick.
In comes Andy Dick, right?

Speaker 2 And he goes, well, well, well. You know how he does.
Dick is out. Now, in that bathroom, right, you have stairs, like right in the back of it, there's these windows.
It's like a window with these

Speaker 2 slots. Yeah, the slats.

Speaker 2 It's the slats windows, right? Is that the face he made? Yeah. He goes, well, well, well, right?

Speaker 2 so there's these stairs that go up and I'm literally standing there Andy walks in and I turn around and there's 15 faces in the fucking slots right ready to see what you're about to do yeah yeah and I go get dude I don't know you man I got to go to work I'm working the door right that's all that happened

Speaker 2 that's all that happened I don't like your face well no I'm not rude no no no it's absolutely rude

Speaker 2 there's a couple of missing puzzle pieces here go ahead why are they looking in the window did Andy say I'm gonna go in the bathroom and Bobby's gonna suck my cock I don't know why.

Speaker 2 Well, why would they be looking in the window? No one ever looks in that window.

Speaker 2 Do you see how there's some, do you see how there's some weird. Did you make a joke outside? No, no, no.

Speaker 2 I think maybe people saw me walk in, they saw Andy Dick walk in, and they figured you guys were what?

Speaker 2 No, no, no. I'm just trying to do it from the viewer's perspective.
Yeah, it's, it's, you know, if you ask Andy, I never blew him. In court?

Speaker 2 Yeah, he would in a court. If I was.

Speaker 2 You might be, this might be found guilty. I mean, there might not have been anything.

Speaker 2 I ask you, can I be honest with with you? Stop it. No, no, no.
No, stop it. I'm not going to stop it.
Stop it. No, because you got me there.
You got me on the edge.

Speaker 2 Of course, you didn't suck Andy Dick's dick. I didn't suck his dick, man.

Speaker 2 Okay. All right.
I believe you. All right.

Speaker 2 But people,

Speaker 2 but people, so Eleanor, years later,

Speaker 2 Ashley Hamilton are spreading this rumor that I'm gay and I sucked Andy Dick's dick. Right.

Speaker 2 Would help you now, by the way, career-wise.

Speaker 2 My career is great. I know, but that would be what a boost.
No, it wouldn't. What a boost.
Not a boost. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 What, you think, let me say something. By you saying that, do you think, even if secretly I did suck his dick, that I would finally go.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah, I was hoping.

Speaker 2 I wanted a little piece.

Speaker 2 I want you to be like, well, I kissed it. Whatever, blah, blah.
Jules, do you think I sucked Andy Dick's dick?

Speaker 2 I think so.

Speaker 2 So, anyway, they're spreading around rumors, which you're pissed off about. I'm pissed off about it.
Because it's bullshit because it's bullshit. And that's my, that was my.
You and Ash Dog.

Speaker 2 Did you ever hash it out with him? He was one of those guys where if I, like, if I was in a,

Speaker 2 if I was at Green Blantz and I was with a bunch of comics and he walked in and I didn't say hello to him directly, that he would find that to be disrespectful. Oh, grow up.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 So then, like, two weeks later,

Speaker 2 I'll go, what's up, Ashley? He won't say anything. I'll go, you have a problem? He goes, yeah, because at Green Blacks, a couple of weeks ago, you didn't say hi to him.

Speaker 2 You know, he's that kind of guy. Oh, God.
Yeah, so I was. What an unmemorable thing.
He's a nice guy, though. Yeah, but that's weird.
Some people do that thing where they're like,

Speaker 2 you know, who I hadn't seen in a long time, by the way. You talk about good-looking guys.
Lachlan Patterson came. We were both doing

Speaker 2 Salt Lake. You don't know him? He's so funny, dude.
Canadian Comic moved here years ago. Look at him.
I want to see this. Lachlan Patterson.
He's awesome. Lachlan, that's him right there.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Love him. He's so funny, that guy.
So when I used to. He's a good joke writer.
Oh, he's a brilliant joker. When I first met him, he looked like the short-haired headshot that you see.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And now, that's what you just first clicked on.
That's who he is now. Yeah, yeah, he's Venice.
Surfer, fucking, yeah, he's such a cool dude. Yeah, he was down there too.

Speaker 2 And this guy, do you think he's handsome? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's so funny.
This guy, I mean,

Speaker 2 even with short hair, he was a good looking. You know what? Short hair, he looks like one of the property brothers a little bit.

Speaker 2 No, he looks like literally what I want Jesus to look like with the long hair. Go back to long hair.
That is Jesus. Yeah, yeah.
I have risen. But don't you want a little bit more tan?

Speaker 2 No, that's perfect. A little bit more tan.
I want him whiter, actually.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Like,

Speaker 2 closer to who he is. Right.
Closer to who he should be. That's what it is.

Speaker 2 So if he rose like that,

Speaker 2 then you'd be. I'd be like, dude, that's what Jesus generally kind of looks like to me.
A little darker, though. What does Jesus look like to you, Jules?

Speaker 2 Big breath.

Speaker 1 I don't know. Long hair.

Speaker 2 What color is his skin? What's the best photos of Jesus?

Speaker 2 Let's go into that. What color is he? Let's judge Jesus based on these photos.
Well, I can tell you which one it's definitely not. That bottom left one.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So the one my grandmother has all over her house? Yeah. Okay, this is a good game.
Which Jesus does my grandmother have literally all over her house? Oh, I already can tell. Go ahead.
The first one.

Speaker 2 On the far left? Or, can I give you a second one? No, you the far right.

Speaker 2 Let Jules guess two.

Speaker 1 I was going to say the right one.

Speaker 2 The far top right? Yeah. Correct.
That's all over my grandmother. That very photo is littered all over her.
Literally, Jesus literally did not look like that. Yes, that was him.

Speaker 2 Blow that picture up a little bit. Can you pinch and zoom? So, the Jesus on the left is who they want you to believe an Egyptian would look like right there.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But that Jesus right there to the right,

Speaker 2 that's what he looks. Soft eyes.
He looked like he might have played in a band in the 80s, in the late 80s. Go to the one to the left.

Speaker 2 Not that one, the second one right here.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I think that's the closest to what Jesus looks like.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't know.
Yeah, yeah. Egyptians are fair-skinned like me.

Speaker 2 I understand that, but go to the alt-right.

Speaker 2 That's Andrew. That's Andy Dalywhite.
I know. That's who Jesus was.
He wasn't Andy Daly White. That's who Jesus was.
No, no, no, no. Do you, what color was Jesus? Do you know?

Speaker 2 Like, tan or a bit darker. Yeah, exactly.
Very dark. He was mad.
Maybe down to there.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Obviously, that's more close to what Jesus looked like right there. Yeah, yeah, to the left.
Yeah. Egyptian.
Egyptian. He was fucking Egyptian.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 The idea, though, that they paint him like the one that my grandmother has is really strange.

Speaker 2 Like, that's fucked up. That's what you see all the time.

Speaker 2 That looks like Matt Reif. You know what I mean? Yeah, it's really strange.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 it's such a weird.

Speaker 2 And holding the baby lamb, that's what you see those photos all the time. Yeah.
They're making a

Speaker 2 Last Temptation of

Speaker 2 Passion of the Christ Part 2. Is Mel doing it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's awesome. And Kaviel.
Was it Jim? Jim Kavizel? Really? Yeah, this is after

Speaker 2 part two, what happened after

Speaker 2 the cave incident. After he called that cop a dirty Jew or whatever? No, no, no.
No, after

Speaker 2 Passion of the Christ. At least now I know.

Speaker 2 Let me see. Let me see.
If I was Jesus, would I let you in?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God, dude. No, I mean, because...
At the door, I'd be like, bad friends. I'd be like, yeah, but that was just my, you know.

Speaker 2 What? Yeah, earthly project. I know, but that was, but it gave you meaning and fun and life.

Speaker 2 I would just say, wait, go. There's a line.
You're going to make me wait in the line.

Speaker 2 There's already a line. You're in the front of the line.
I know. I just had to

Speaker 2 get up here. Go off to the side.
Bobby. Go off the side.
I got to see who else is coming in. Bobby.
No, no, no. Bobby, I waited in the line.
I didn't even skip the line.

Speaker 2 I could have skipped the line and said hi to you. It doesn't matter.
Dude, I'm Jesus. I run the fucking thing.
I understand, but I.

Speaker 2 Security.

Speaker 2 All right, so they put it to the side, right? Get off of me. Get the fuck off of me.
I'm not going downstairs. You're making it up.
You're not going downstairs. All right, you're not.
Watch.

Speaker 2 Now, watch who else I let in. All right.
Kevin Spacey, come on in. Come on.

Speaker 2 I would let you in, but I would fuck with you. I know you would, right, right away.
What would you do? Or you'd put me in hell for like 15 minutes and then be like, come on.

Speaker 2 Okay, so would you let me in? I'm Jesus at the gates. Yeah.
All right, you're with Rudy. You guys both show up.
Well, we'd have to have, because the line's long. So many people die a day.

Speaker 2 Right. Hold on.
So I'm Jesus. Right.
So

Speaker 2 we had died in a car accident. 100, obviously.
Right. Because she was driving.
Yeah, she was driving. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And well, I think if that was the case, if we were in line, I'd be like, you know, you didn't see the red light. You guys are arguing.

Speaker 1 You're the one that's driving.

Speaker 2 No, you're driving.

Speaker 2 You're driving.

Speaker 1 You don't want me to drive because you always say that I drive slow.

Speaker 2 But you were driving.

Speaker 2 Fine.

Speaker 2 And that's why we got an accident. Because you didn't even know the fuck you were driving.

Speaker 1 No, you were screaming, so we got distracted.

Speaker 2 Well, regardless, because we're dead now. It's your fault.
Your fault. It's her.
Hello, my children. Hi, Tito.
Hello, Tito.

Speaker 2 Ah, Jules. A lovely spirit, a light.
Come in. Thank you.
Hey, I'm just going to go with her then. Next!

Speaker 2 You won? Next!

Speaker 2 You won. I'd let you write in.
Are you the number one? Like, if I Google Andrew Santino, Santino, are you the number one Andrew Santino that comes up? What? What the fuck does that even mean?

Speaker 2 Of course I'm the number one fucking idiot. There's only one of them.
Well, how come when you Google your name, right? And I'm the third one that pops up. What are you talking about? Watch.
Go right.

Speaker 2 get out of this Google search search. Get out?

Speaker 2 No, go back to Andrew Santino.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 And then go down

Speaker 2 to what? I don't know. There was like what people, other people searched for.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, right there.
Why am I the third?

Speaker 2 Because we're connected. Yeah, but why is Theo more connected to you? Why is he first? I think I make fun of him more.
I don't know why. I don't know why.
How does that work?

Speaker 2 Well, I don't think that's in order. That's not? No, it can't be.
Click on mine.

Speaker 2 And click on that.

Speaker 2 Right, I'm the second. You're second.

Speaker 2 And my girlfriend's first, so I should be fucking second. Yeah, I guess that's true.
And Magnum P.I. is on there.

Speaker 2 Man, they'd love you from that show. Wright is Bobby Lee.
Wright is Bobby Lee. Is in front of it.
Is Bobby Lee? And let's see what these are. Married Korean, related to Bruce Lee.

Speaker 2 That's a good question.

Speaker 2 Honestly, that's valid. Yeah.
Are you still married? Is Bobby Lee Cook alive?

Speaker 2 Is this when you were with Dane Cook for a a few years i don't know that bobby lee cook was a guitarist is bobby lee chinese by the way is he korean and is he chinese we keep with people they don't know what you really are yeah you want to tell them that you're japanese i am japanese they have no idea okay put an is andrew santino is andrew santino

Speaker 2 married in the office irish have a special wife dating from net worth they want to know my money

Speaker 2 this is all this is all this is nothing special they don't Well, Irish. Is Andrew Santino Irish?

Speaker 2 Were you in the office? Yeah, I did an episode of The Office.

Speaker 2 Yeah, one episode.

Speaker 2 I mean, but fucking, what a weird.

Speaker 2 By the way, we spent this whole time having a good time, and we didn't even mention that Cinco de Mayo shit.

Speaker 2 That's what I wanted to do. Well, how do you feel about immigration?

Speaker 2 About which kind?

Speaker 2 Oh. That's right.
Exactly. Mexicans I like.
You do? Love. Cubans.
Same thing, no? Yes. Any Latin I'm good with.
Latin's good. How about

Speaker 2 Haitian?

Speaker 2 There's no Latin. I like the food.
Okay, good. I like the food.
All right. What about if they were

Speaker 2 Aborigine

Speaker 2 from Australia? From Australia? Yeah. I don't want Australians in here.
Okay. Australians.
All Australians. Okay.
I don't want them ever here. Eskimos.

Speaker 2 That's what. They're from the United States.
That's true. Yeah, there are.
That was a trick question. There are people.

Speaker 2 That's a trick question. Okay.
All right. What about,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 this game, I'll tell you where this game is leading.

Speaker 2 This game is going to lead to me saying either Chinese or Korean and you saying absolutely not. I'm waiting for it.
No, so I'm not going to. I'm going to go to the fans.

Speaker 2 Give them what they want. No, no, no, no, no.
I am done with the game. The joke is that I'm okay with everybody, but

Speaker 2 I know, but I just knew that this line of questioning was going to go to there. I know, and you have to.
You're going to nip in the butt now. You didn't have to break it up.
Thanks for playing.

Speaker 2 For the sake of comedy, we could have just kept going. All right, let's go back then.
Let's go back. All right.
No, no, no. It's ruined now.
But yeah. Japanese people, yes, love.
Love them. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hmong.

Speaker 2 Let them in.

Speaker 2 Hmong, let them in. Yeah, let them in.
What about China? Fine. Sometimes.
Tai?

Speaker 2 Tai?

Speaker 2 I'm looking to you because you know those people better than I do. Oh, yeah.
Yo, let them in? Yeah. Filipinos.
Definitely not. Filipinos.
Definitely not.

Speaker 2 Gary, good. The fact that there's two of them in this office right now scares the shit out of me.
I'm not Filipino.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's right. Gap gap.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 She, yeah, it's between these two Filipinos. By the way, she looks identical to Gilbert.
It's so scary. You know what I said to her when she came in? Yeah.
I go, oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 I've seen your face for the first time because I've only seen her with a mask. Yeah, yeah.
So when I first came in,

Speaker 2 she had taken off her mask for a second. Yeah.
And she took off her mask, and I said, that's weird. I wondered what she looked like.
But now that I saw Gilbert, I was like, I should have known.

Speaker 2 A couple of weeks ago, episodes ago, we did an

Speaker 2 episode where we wrote a movie called The Bottom of Island. The Bottoms of Turtle Island.

Speaker 2 Turtle Island. And a lot of

Speaker 2 our fans made movie posters. Yeah.
And we'd like to see. Let's check out some posters.
So this one, I don't like the font above. It just needs to be bolder.

Speaker 2 You don't like the, it looks like a pirate wrote it. Yeah.
It looks like it's done with it. But I like how our names are in white so you can see them.
Right.

Speaker 2 Can I see the whole thing? Is there any way to look at the whole thing? Is that the whole thing? Full screen it? Full screen that one photo? I I think that's as big as they get. Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 2 There's no bottom to it then? Well, it's the bottom of Turtle Island. No, I think that's as far as it goes.
Yeah. Is that an animated GIF of Rudy? No, it looks like it moved.

Speaker 2 Well, what I like about this, that's the stairwell that we... Oh, that's cool.
You know? Right, Rudy's down there with the knife. But she's smiling,

Speaker 2 which we said she was.

Speaker 2 But the bodies are behind her. You see all the bodies? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then to the left, you see the turtle itself that lives on the turtle. Oh, wow, wow, wow.
That's amazing. I really love it.
Somebody really put the work in. Thank you so so much for that.

Speaker 2 And obviously, I'm giving you a piggyback ride because that's how the S and the D starts. That's how all that stuff.
And this island looks like it. It looks not that important in the movie.

Speaker 2 It is not that big of a theme. Yeah.
By the way, the island looks exactly how I thought it would look. That's great.
Very small, rocky on one side. Yeah.
It's a great poster, man.

Speaker 2 Thank you for who did that.

Speaker 2 Thank you for who did that. And then this one, of course,

Speaker 2 introducing Rudy Jules. I like that.

Speaker 2 I like that. We should be the stars.
We're the stars and introducing Rudy Jules.

Speaker 2 As if her performance

Speaker 2 is like, you know, you're going to be like, wow. Wait till you see this.
Yeah, because if her performance isn't good, they're not going to say that. No, they won't.
Introducing.

Speaker 2 Bobby Leander Santino, introducing Rudy Jules, and the drawings of us are good. There's Little Island.
Yeah. The bottoms of Turtled Island.
How long can they survive?

Speaker 2 Bad Friends Productions presents a film by Andres. Yeah, yeah.
What is it? No, it says Anita Bryant. Oh, that's who that is.

Speaker 2 Written by Bobby Leanando Santino, starring Bobby Leandro Santino, Juliana, Rudy. Eric Griffin's in it.
Why is he in it? Why is he in it? Did we put him in the original film? No, he's got to audition.

Speaker 2 We definitely got to make him read it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Music by Fancy Bee, produced by Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino, and directed by Fancy Bee, of course. Bottoms of turtleisland.com.
We should have

Speaker 2 that website.

Speaker 2 Oh. This is good.
This is like, you know what? You know how sometimes they make movie posters for like Europe or Japan? You know what I mean? That's what this is. This is the Japanese one.

Speaker 2 Well, there's the hot walk there and the pub. So, oh, this is really clever.
This is clever. Your hot walk restaurant is right next to the pub that we talked about.

Speaker 2 There's the bodies on the hill. Yeah.
By the way, do you notice in the photo you're laying atop me there, nude?

Speaker 2 Does my ass have to be in the.

Speaker 2 Of course.

Speaker 2 In the poster. How do you want to sell the movie, Bobby? This is a Japanese movie.
I know, but the thing is, is that I just don't want my...

Speaker 2 I don't want to.

Speaker 2 If we're trying to crush the foreign market,

Speaker 2 we have a cute little tushied Asian boy with chopsticks in his hair in a bun

Speaker 2 clutching to a pale ginger boy. Yeah.
This is going to sell. I guess, I guess.
It's going to sell. I just need need approval.
You know what I mean? Next time.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, but these are already on the streets of Japanese. We sent these out.
It's already sent out for next time.

Speaker 2 Can you please give me approval? Yes, but you're going to be upset. This is in Times Square as well.
We put it up in Times Square.

Speaker 2 Huge.

Speaker 2 What's the next one? That's really good. That's a great one.
And this is our

Speaker 2 see, this is our relationship. This is it.
And this is for Amsterdam. Yeah, this is a foreign poster for Amsterdam, for sure.
The bomb turtle island, right? Star. And what's what I love.

Speaker 2 Exactly. Did you get approval for this?

Speaker 2 I actually did. I didn't approve of it, but I do now that I see it.
Yeah, yeah. You have a very small ass.

Speaker 2 And your ass is your whole back.

Speaker 2 That's true. Your butt is the size of your back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, I love our catchphrases down there at the bottom.
Suck, suck, suck. Yeah, yeah.
And I love.

Speaker 2 And I love that Jules is in the middle. Do you see that? Jules and the swords.
Zoom into the Jules and the Sword. Oh, that is wonderful.
Yeah, she is. And on the bodies, skulls?

Speaker 2 See, that's the most accurate picture of Jules. That's a great fucking poster.
Look at how we're looking at each other. I don't know.
Let me ask you this, though. Why do I have a Fu Manchu mustache?

Speaker 2 You have one right now. No, I don't.
A Fu Manchu mustache. I mean, it's about as close to a Fu Manchu as it can get.
Okay. It's there.
It looks good. All right.
That's a good one. All right.

Speaker 2 And this one. This one is.

Speaker 2 Whoa. Whoa.
Bobby.

Speaker 2 It's a street art. They made you jacked.
Yeah. No, that's pretty much it.
That's what it looks like. Yeah, and look at you.
Clutching to your leg. Look at you.

Speaker 2 You zoom in.

Speaker 2 Look at you. Zoom in more.

Speaker 2 Look at you. I'm admiring the size of your sword.
I know. My point is that that's about it.
Do you think that's what the movie would be like?

Speaker 2 I think if they did a real poster of the movie, that that would be pretty much it. You think they would make you a jacked-in-shape guy?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and they would barely have you in it as if you were a tattoo on my leg. Okay.
Yeah. Yeah.
It depends on what level of comedy they wanted. Next poster? Yeah, yeah.
No, don't.

Speaker 2 Let's look at this masterpiece. I think this one's a piece of shit.

Speaker 2 Whoever drew this can fucking burn. Yeah, yeah.
Here we go. This is by Paramount Press.
This This is Paramount Plus. Yeah,

Speaker 2 this is in America. This is currently.
These are billboards in America. Oh, sure.
Yeah. So

Speaker 2 look at Rudy. How scary she is.
Do the noise right now for me.

Speaker 2 Right. And that's all you hear when you walk into the theater.
There it is. The bottom shit.
I don't know why I still have chopsticks in my hair. What do you mean? You got to keep them in the hair.

Speaker 2 How's your hair? Your hair is going to get in your hair. I know.
Why do I have to be. Why do I even have to have Sandra Bullock hair? Well, here's why.
You have long, flowing, beautiful hair. I know.

Speaker 2 When we're S in each other's D's, it's gonna get in your face. All right.
You can't suck me. You have to tie your hair up when you're sucking.

Speaker 2 That's true. That's a great post.
And that one is available now at Paramount Plus. If you don't have, use the promo code bad friends at Paramount Plus.

Speaker 2 Thank you guys for sending in the bottoms of Turtle Island. We really do appreciate it.
We appreciate it.

Speaker 2 Rudy, go ahead and and take us home

Speaker 2 and look into your camera and say say goodbye.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being a bad friend and bye.

Speaker 2 And bye. Bye.
Bye.

Speaker 4 Is that is that? Is that is that? Is that? Is that? Is that, is that? Is that? Is that? Is that? Is that? Is that? Is that.

Speaker 2 No, fuck you. Fuck you.
Don't get angry, dude. Don't joke.
Why can't I call you out, man? Let's read the thing. Go suck Andy Dick's dick again, you fucking dude.
I'd suck his dick, man.

Speaker 2 I didn't suck his dick again. Okay.
All right. Okay.

Speaker 2 Oh, I could say some shit right now, but I'm not. About sucking Andy Dick's dick? No, other things.
Yeah, say it. I'm not going to fuck you.
Fuck you. Fucking bitch.

Speaker 2 Call me that again. See what happens.
I'll fucking beat the shit out of you in this studio. Call me that again.
See what happens. Fuck you.
Fuck you. All right? Fuck him.
You and you fucking.

Speaker 2 For angry issues, better help.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you fighting.

Speaker 2 One, two, three. Better help.
Oh, Andrew. Yes, Bob.
This is something that we both need, especially you.