Cinco de Amigos

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You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

I say, no, you know what it is, the themes. or something.
We're bad friends. Ah! I saw it.
No.

You know what it is?

The themes.

Don't do the themes.

That's what fucks me up.

The themes fuck me up.

The theme?

Look around.

Look what Andres put so much.

Happy Cinco de Mayo.

Ah!

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Ay! Thank you. Ay, ay, ay.
Ay, ay, ay, ay, ay. Happy Cinco de Mayo, Bob.

Happy Cinco de Mayo, Ruth.

Happy Cinco de Mayo.

Happy Cinco de Mayo.

Do you know what Cinco de Mayo means, Rudy?

No.

What is it?

Yeah, you do.

You know what it is, right?

Yes, I do.

What is it?

It's Happy Fifth Mayonnaise.

Happy Fifth Mayonnaise. Happy Fifth Mayonnaise.

My favorite Cinco de Mayo movie is La Bamba.

that's a great movie can I ask you a question

I had a dream too Richie

one of his brother

his brother was an artist right

and then at the end of the movie he had to get it out

I had a dream too

yeah but your art's not as good as his

it's really bad

he's a cartoonist right

it's bad

yeah it's not good yeah i mean so you didn't have to say that out it's like you know it's like you know if i was one of the baldwins you are kind of oh yeah alec billy bobby yeah if you were a baldwin dude if i was a baldwin dude but i was adopted if genetically a Baldwin What a good story, by the way You know how the Wahlburgers have a burger joint? The Baldwins have like a Fucking Korean street food joint Billy The one brother I wouldn't get along with, I think, is Steven No, you would not get along with Steven Because he's kind of alt-y right Is he alt-right? Yeah, he's kind of like right-wing a little bit. Oh, he is? Yeah, he doesn't get along with Alec and all those guys.
I mean, they still hang out and stuff. And Alec is like fucking so far left.
Yeah. He's the most left.
And his brother is super far right. Yeah, but Steven's daughter.
And Bobby's in the middle. But Stephen's daughter.
Hmm. She's hot.
She is?

Isn't she dating... Wait, who's dating...

Justin Bieber?

Yeah.

That's...

Oh, right.

That is his daughter.

What?

What did you...

I thought it was Alec Baldwin's daughter.

No, Stephen Baldwin's daughter.

Oh, is Hayley...

Hayley's...

Hayley Balder.

Hayley Balder.

Yeah, Bieber.

Hayley Balder.

Yeah, Bieber.

And I would be the...

If I was the adopted, like,

adopted, like, uncle... Yeah.
I would probably should attack her out of Bieber so I could get in there. Can you imagine trying to convince her to be with you instead of Justin Bieber? Yeah.
Go ahead and do it. I'm Haley Baldwin.
That's creepy though. I'm Haley Baldwin.
Go. Well, since I was adopted- Hey, what's up? If I was adopted, I would have a little accent.
Yeah, of course you would. Yeah.
Yeah. Hey, what's up? Oh, Bob.
Hey, it's so good to see you. Are you going to join us for dinner? No, no.
I want to talk to you. Oh, what's up? If I was adopted, I would have a little accent.
Yeah, of course you would. Yeah.
Hey, what's up? Oh, Bob, hey, it's so good to see you. Are you going to join us for dinner? No, no, I want to talk to you.
Oh, what's up? You want to talk to me alone? No, you know, back in the shed. You want to go outside to the shed? Yeah, I'm going to talk to you real quickly.
Let me just ask Justin. Justin, is that okay? Yes, it's fine.
Justin, get the fuck out of here. Hey, hey, don't talk to Justin like that.
By the way, you did a great show at the fight. You remember he did the fight Oh yeah Very good Very good Yeah you did baby Yeah yeah We'll be right back We're gonna go to the shed She's Justin all of a sudden She's Justin all of a sudden We're gonna go to the shed Okay Okay Have a good time Here we go Anyway What did you want to talk to me about I want to talk to you about Unusual Suspects.
You're dead. My brother.
Steve, your dad, my brother. He did a really good job.
It's so good. In that movie.
It's so good. Yeah, you know who else was in it? It was Kevin Spacey.
I went to the premiere. Kevin Spacey.
Yeah, yeah. I love him.
He's a really good actor. actor.
You know what I mean? But he likes to- He's such a people person. Yeah.
Well, when I went to the premiere, Unusual Special premiere, right? Kevin goes, come to the bathroom. Like I did with you at the shed.
Yeah, sure. He did the one, come to the bathroom.
What did you guys do in there? Well, I pee in the- When I go to the bathroom, I wash my hand first. Yeah.
Right? I wash my hand twice. I wash my hand first.
Yeah. Right? I pee.
Right? Because I'm from China. Originally.
Really? Yeah. I thought you were Korean.
No. Originally.
Oh. Originally.
Originally. Originally, I'm from China.
Yeah. Right? So I go in.
I wash my hand first. Right? I pee pee.
Right? Then sometimes I get the pee pee on my hand. Sure.
I wash again, right? Anyway, this time, I wash my hand, right? And Kevin washed his hand, but not in the faucet on my ass crack. I don't know why he was doing back there, but he was just kind of doing this.
You know what I thought you were saying? I thought you were going to say that. While you're washing your hands, Kevin Spacey put his penis in between your hands while you're watching.
That's a funny, that's a funnier.

You're like, that's a funnier.

While you watch your hands.

That'd be funny.

He just slips his dick and he's like, what's going on?

Yeah, and it'd be weird because your hand would be wet.

Yeah.

Yeah, that'd be good.

But you're like, I can't keep, the soap won't come off. Right.

So, um.

Oh, there he is.

There's Space Dog.

Any, I don't know why I brought you into the shed.

Oh yeah, I forgot.

I forgot. I was just telling you.
I was telling you how much I love a YouTube suspect. Anyway, just some people, he gay.
He is? I know for a fact he gay. Okay.
Because when Kevin Spacey, when I was washing my hand, and his penis was in my hand, right, he told me, he goes, yeah, do it like Bieber do it. Oh, just like Bieber do it.
So I was going, what Bieber, what? Two and two click in my head. I go, aha.
And number two, you know, you and I are not blood related. That's the pitch.
You know we're not related But you know what

If you were hitting on me and I was Haley B. Bald Bieber

I'd be into it

I don't think so

I would

Especially when you have those beanies on

Let me tell you something

When you wear beanies

Your sex quotient goes through the roof

Without beanies

Fine, you're cute Bob

With the beanie

There's something that you do with the little beanie

Do you wear beanies when you're naked?

I do

Sometimes I'll wake up, right?

And Jules

I mean look at this

I'm sorry. With the beanie there's something that you do with the little beanie Do you wear beanies when you're naked I do Sometimes I'll wake up right I mean look at this Your beanie sex quotient goes through the roof By the way that picture that I think Liz Vigiano Took of you With the green shirt top right I think that's one of the best photos you have And she's so talented What's her name again Liz yeah.
She's so good. She's the fucking best.
So Cinco de Mayo, what else Hispanic movies do you like? Three Amigos. Really good movie.
Such a good movie. Yeah, really good movie.
I mean, granted, did you ever see Three Amigos? Oh, it's a classic. You have to watch it.
It is Three White Guys, which does really culturally appropriate. It's a little weird.
Yeah, yeah. But you know who was in it that you're not aware of, but he was a comedy store guy.

Hold on.

Let me guess.

You're not going to guess it.

Well, no, no.

Hold on.

I'll give you a paycheck.

You know, this is my wife's favorite movie.

Literally.

I've seen it a thousand times.

Okay, so it's a stand-up.

Right?

He's a comedy store legend.

Yeah.

Right?

He was in the movie.

Okay.

Was he one of the Mexican gangsters? No. You can't.
Okay. Okay.
Okay. No guesses.
He was Mexican. He still is, I hope.
I don't think he was. I don't think he's Mexican in real life.
But he played Mexican in Three Amigos? Yeah. Okay.
Yeah, yeah. And he might be.
I don't know. We have to look it up later.
But he was in the movie. And I'll give you all my proceeds that I make now.
Seriously. For this episode.
and I'll give it to you. Okay.
You're never gonna guess that's how I pulled up. Freddy Soto.
No. He was fucking, Freddy Soto was three years old when that fucking game.
I know, dude. I know.
I don't know who it was. His name, but we got the first right name right.
Freddy Prince? No, his name was Freddy Asparagus. Shut up, Bobby.
Freddy As it up, Freddie Asparagus That was his real name That guy at the bar? That's him That's Freddie Asparagus, I fucking told you, dude Freddie Asparagus Can I tell you something about Freddie Asparagus? That scene He was so I know. Is one of my favorite.
He's like. He was so good.
You'll hear for the Germans. Yeah.
That? Yeah. That scene? Yeah.
Freddie Asparagus? Yep. He was a comedy store guy? Oh, yeah.
Bro. Yeah.
Was he funny? Freddie Asparagus comedy store. Just see what that happened.
Hold on one second. That tequila scene, by the way, when they're like.
Yeah. That's one of the best the best scenes of all.
I can't. You need to watch Three Amigos.
Yeah. Yeah, that's okay.
It's so sad because there's a whole group of comics that the comedy store is known for the famous people that came out of there. Sure.
But there are a whole group of guys and girls that almost made it that nobody knows about. know um that nobody knows about i mean that's the majority of people right yeah but they were all but they were also mitzi's favorite so they would get spots every night right right so there's like you know freddy asparagus then you have wild willie parsons i know who that was yeah and then you have um um to my hat seek it's at su Which probably would be one.
There's a whole group and it's kind of sad. Well, because they were like cult classic versus commercial classic films.
Same kind of thing. Like Mitzi liked quirky, weird, specific, really unique comics.
But it doesn't mean they were going to have commercial success. But she also knew who was going to blow up.
No, but there was one. Who? Okay, so there was one.
If you ask anybody from the 80s, you ask Jim Carrey, you ask anyone from that era, right? Yep. Howie Mandel, whoever it might be.
You go, Roseanne Barr, you go, name me one person that back then you thought was going to be the biggest star ever. And you've never even heard of him.
His name was Finnis Henderson. Finnis, look that up, Finnis Henderson? I think that's his name.
And what happened? Did he die? That's him. He looks like Dice in that top ten.
I know, that's Finnis Henderson. He's a weird-looking cat.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So this guy, right, apparently when he performed, it was like standing out.

But you know why?

Because he sang, danced, did impressions.

He sang dead impressions, twist, twirl, right?

In a 15 minute spot.

Yeah.

And then people in the back would be like, oh, fuck, I got to follow this guy.

Because anyone that does music and does the dancing, right? And he crushed it, I heard. Is he not still around? Did he pass away? I don't know.
I've never met him. Go to the picture of him and the wife beater on the down left, third row.
Yeah. So that's finished now.
And he can do your hedges and plant. For $13.99.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks like it's not going as well as it was

when you were talking about it

he's like an extra in Oz

that's what he looks like

he has one line in Oz

or he's like

in a movie he's the convict

that's older

that cleaned up his act

and is teaching other kids

I'm not doing that no more

what do you mean Finn you were the one that led this block. Right.
Look at the vein. How about this? It's like the guy that took that headshot.
Couldn't he have said, hey, did you take any photos where it didn't expose every vein in my neck? Actually, I bet you. He wants that as the look.
Yeah. Can youoshop all the veins in my neck hey hey you're my photographer i'm finn yeah this is a regular photo tell me tell me to give you some more vein well here's the first shot ready yeah yeah um no um finn yeah can i call you finn of course yeah yeah um can you um for right before i shoot don't breathe for like 15 seconds.
Okay. Right? And also just tense your body up.

Okay.

And then lean your head back.

Yes.

Right?

Yeah.

Especially on your neck, just tense everything, but don't breathe as well.

Is that good for photos, you think?

It's great.

People love it.

You're going to work all the time.

All right.

Well, give me the camera up.

I'll tell you, right.

You know what's big right now?

What?

Rolls.

A lot of rolls where convicts need to shoot heroin through their neck.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

There's a lot of parts that way.

Oh, really? Yeah. There's a lot of parts that way.
Okay. Heroin neck shooters.
All right. Yeah.
Cam up. Let's go.
All right. So anyway.
I'm ready. You're breathing.
Bring up the camera and let's go. Stop breathing.
Ready? All right. One, two, three.
That's what it is. I hope Finis is doing well, by the way.
I hope you're're doing well i don't know where you are also look look at his lips right work done work done work done look at that and how about this can i say this too yeah whoever did the headshot right or his makeup right could he have said hey um do you guys have anything a moisturizer for my lips or lip no chopstick nothing we don't we don't okay just go because it's really we're in the desert right i don't know why i don't know why we're shooting in the desert but holy shit dude put something on there or finn finn i hope you're doing well whoever if he was so he used to be the crusher he was a crusher well you know maybe he's still doing great and he's doing his own thing and he's doing his own way. I have one more name for you.
I wonder why these stories don't work. Beaumont.
Beaumont Green? Beaumont Bacon. Beaumont Bacon? Just stop for a second.
Why did everybody have names like this? Beaumont Bacon, dude, right? Beaumont Bacon was a Japanese guy. No.
Beaumont Bacon was a woman. Really? Yeah.
That's her right there. That's her right there.

That's Beaumont Bacon.

There's Beaumont Bacon.

I love Beaumont Bacon. So Beaumont Bacon was in the movie, Jerry Maguire.

She had one line.

Wait.

You're not going to remember.

I used to jerk off to that movie.

What?

Opening scene.

He's having sex with her in his...

Don't you remember the opening scene?

I used to jerk off to Re-Animator.

What? You know what Re-Animator is? No. Re-Animator was a horror movie.
Re-Animator? Yeah, Re-Animator. B-movie.
Did you like that movie? B-movie. It's a B-movie, yeah, it's called Re-Animator.
Oh, dude. All right, so there's a scene where I think this woman is like, she had her tits out.
That's hot. Right, so I would pause the VCR, right? Because back then when you're in high school.
We had VCRs. You can't have porn.
There's no porn. You can't find it.
What am I going to do? Can't find it. I don't have a car.
I can't go nowhere. You have to pause the headless tits.
So you have to get what you get. Right.
Right? So she was like, and there was a tits. Freeze her tit.
Right? Yeah. And I would pause perfectly, right? And I would look to see if my parents were like sleeping

and I would just jerk off frantically.

Yeah.

And then I would feel, you know that feeling?

Yeah.

Of when you, after you unload?

Shame, shame.

It's like a hole in your gut.

Yep.

And you can feel the wind blowing through it.

It's so empty.

Yeah, you feel like the saddest boy in the world.

Yeah, yeah.

And meanwhile, you're just sitting there after you're not, and you have like cum on your hand, little teenage cum. Yeah.
It's very sticky. Viscous.
Viscous. Viscous.
Viscous. Yeah.
And you start wiping it on your shirt or whatever, right? There's just a sadness there. You call your dog, you go, come here, come here, Pooncho.
Don't have a dog. No? Don't have a dog, no.
You grab a couple of socks? Yeah.

That reanimator, the headless tit thing.

Look, dude, we all had to do what we have to do. I don't think she was headless, though.

I don't know.

I don't think she was headless.

She was just dying?

Someone was headless in the scene.

I don't think she was.

I think somebody was headless.

I mean, I used to do it to scramble television,

you know, scramble porn channels.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Where it says, says, says.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then you'd get like, ah.

And you're like, oh, hold on to that noise. Ah.
You'd hear one one more and you'd see maybe a little half tit that would fade in and sap away we had to jerk off to imagination porn I masturbated to medical books what? like from health class or something? yeah you know how a drawing of a woman's body yeah half of it? Half of it's like inside. It's open.

All of her insides.

You know what I mean?

Right?

Her lungs,

where the ribs are,

right?

And the other half,

right?

So I would just close one eye.

I would close one eye and just have at it.

I would like anything.

Yeah.

Like anything.

Well,

dude,

I mean,

Victoria's Secret was,

my mom never got it.

She's like,

I can't believe

I don't get those anymore. I'm like, yeah, I can't believe I don't get those anymore.

I'm like, yeah,

I can't believe

you don't get them either.

I don't know where they all went.

Meanwhile,

underneath your mattress

is like, you know what I mean?

Oh, dude, are you kidding me?

I would use it.

I would jerk off in it

and then I would stuff it

in my backpack,

rolled up,

you know, filled with

and I put it in my backpack

and on my way to school,

I would hide it

in other trash cans

in the neighborhood.

Can I admit

that's something that I did?

Give it, baby.

All right.

So there was this girl

named Rebecca Druskin. Do we want to say her name? Yeah, she's a friend now.
And she used to date this guy named Michael Carano. Do we want to say his name? Yeah, because he works for the improv.
We're good. He's a good friend of mine.
Then we're great. So Rebecca, you're not going to be able to find her.
Well, don't Google her. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's fine. Yeah, let's Google her.
Leave bacon up there. Yeah.
I want to tell you about your bacon. Yeah, I want to know about Beaumont bacon.
I'll tell you about Beaumont bacon. Tell me she has a southern accent.
She does. 100%.
Okay, so let's go to Beaumont first and then I'll go to the next. Okay.
Okay. Because I don't want to see her face anymore.
Are you kidding me? I love it. Yeah, I want to get rid of it.
She goes, hey, y'all. So Beaumont bacon was like one of those girls that Mitzi always put on at 10 o'clock Friday, Saturday.
She got 10 spots? Oh, yeah. That's incredible.
And she was a screamer. Were people coming to see her? Are you okay? Oh, my God.
Have some Red Bull, Papa. I think that's what the problem is.
That's okay. Have more.
Yeah, you always got to fix the problem with the problem. So, she would destroy, right? But she was a female version of sam kennison all right that kind of act screaming high level super high energy and so many male comics were like trying to get her out of there because they were threatened by her i think at the end of the this is a time when there was not chelsea handler wasn't around none of the girls were around right right the the class of people that we know now So back then the comedy store was run I was a kid Was Margaret there then? She wasn't a store person But there was not a lot of girls All the women that I would tell you about right now You've never heard of Give me some of them There was this one named Cheryl Vendetti Who know one of those um um feathered scarves around her neck and she would wear like a 1940s you know i mean she's like natasha leggero yeah but she was a wait like a waitress from like in new york in the 40s you know right or tap dance i don't know what they did back then but um they all tap danced yeah yeah now i've got your dreams she would come in and with the makeup and she would do a thing ah then we had a guy named um a girl you mean oh yeah girl um then we had one a friend of mine kelly kirsten who's now a producer yeah on e but she was very funny but not a lot of people that you would hear of but she the guys threw her out pretty much but bowman banking got pushed out she was she was because she would and people couldn't follow her that's the insecurities through the roof yeah yeah yeah she was so funny and then you never saw her again but see what was different about that era and I don't want to stick on it for much longer because who cares but what was different about that era to me from an outside perspective was that was threatening when someone was crushing harder than you.
And now, I think when people are doing well on 15-minute handoff spots, it's only good for you. If you crush before me, it's so good for me.
Not necessarily. What do you mean? Because one time I made the mistake of calling Adam and go, you know what, dude, I want to grow.
And he goes, what do you mean? I go, why? Because you give me really good spots. I always got like 945.
Yeah, you had cake spots. I had cake spots.
Yeah. Put me on 11.
Exactly. Right? Where I had used to be.
Right. And he goes, all right.
So it was like one of the lines was like killers from 9 a.m. 9 p.m.
I mean. Till 11.
But it's like right before me, usually like Rogan yeah Diaz you know so you Dalia I mean it was just like and I just realized that after about 11 there's an energy drop big time right big time so when I went up there with my usual life what's I'm gonna crush and then you you immediately notice it's not working now you have to change So then you have to start thinking of how to change it. Yeah.
Your energy level, right? And start doing self-deprecate, you know? And then so what I would do, I would say honest things like, this is my fault for calling Adam Egan. You tell them what happened, right? And they usually laugh at that.
But my point is, is that it's not necessarily true. Well, I just think that's I think more now than ever was like there was like because guys back then used to do they would go way over their time because they could and they didn't give a fuck about someone.
But I don't that didn't happen as much in our era that it did in that era. You grew up with famous guy will do as long as he wants and you just have to deal with it.
Things around the famous guy, I hate to talk shit, but like- Go ahead. We had this guy named Anon Chalani.
Non-chalant-ty? Anon Chalani. I'm non-chalanti.
Yeah. And he was Indian, obviously.
Yeah. Big Indian accent.
Non-bred, non-chalanti. That would be a great Indian character.
He was a doctor. He was like going to medical school.
Right. And he would say i don't know even why you know i mean mexican that's just how he sounded i probably had an indian probably had an indian accent no this is not this is the way he sounded nonchalante this is the way he sounded you didn't my name you didn't let you didn't even know him you sound like a um a mexican magician okay can i do my story? So once...
So nonchalante. Yeah, he came up to me.
I won't do the accent then. Please, for fun.
All right, thank you. So I would love to.
Thank you. He would say, I don't even know why, you know, I'm a regular.
I just opened mic one night, meets a game and said, you know what I mean? You're a regular. That's literally the truth.
Yeah, yeah. He was a doctor who was just fucking around.
Yeah, yeah. I was goofing around.
I told my friends that I'll try the open mic. But did he crush? No.
He was just bomb. So Saturday night, I cut to Saturday night like six months later, right? I'm following him.
But I'm in the hallway. This is way before your time.
Yeah. And I'm talking to like, I don't know who.
And then all of a sudden, he just got up he just got i heard his name up two minutes later i'm just talking to somebody i hear bubby i'm not kidding you it's not chalante yeah and i look in the showroom and he sweat just sweat dripping down his face for sure you're right i think i'm done and i go go, you know what, I went in the OR and I never saw him after this. I screamed.
He killed himself. Do your time! So fucked up.
Like a fucking asshole. He did, did you make him do 15 minutes? Yeah, I made him stay up there.
Oh, Bobby. No.
Yeah. 15 minutes? You gotta do your time.
Nonchalante for sure walked into sunset. You got to do your time.
Yeah, he's like, well, that's it for me. One time, because I couldn't get girls.
Right. Careful here.
How stalkery was this? No, nothing like physical. Right.
Right. Just follow you home and watch you at night when you sleep.
No, no, no, no. Nothing like that.
Just sharpening a knife. No, no, no, no.
Nothing like that. What was it? So Rebecca Druskin, right? So I worked at a coffee shop with her.
Which one? It was called Disc Cafe, a radio station in San Diego called 91X. 91X Disc Cafe.
Go get yourself a cup of coffee from the hot Korean guy downstairs. It was our cool alternative station.
They owned it.

Right.

Right.

And it was cool, the disc cafe, because I would be washing dishes there.

We had a stage.

It was the first cafe that I knew about.

And this is in the early 90s, right, where we were a record store as well.

That's cool.

So you could listen to CDs.

While you had coffee? While you had coffee, we had listening stations. Oh, that's cool.
And you could buy stuff, right? Not only did that, but it's like we had a stage as well. Like for performances? For music.
And people would just hop up there. But we wouldn't let anyone up there.
I'm not kidding you. One time I was sitting there washing dishes, and I was with Mike Halloran, who owned Disc Cafe.
He's still a friend of mine. I talked to him the other day.
And he goes, oh, Jules here. So, Jules would go up on stage.
Jules. No, not her.
Jules? Jules the singer. Yeah, Jules.
Not this Jules. Jules.
So, Jules was there. She was not even existing then.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Jules would go up there, or Frank Black from the Pixies would go up acoustically it was cool jewel would show up yeah she's from san diego i thought she was from canada no really i have a funny jewel story that who will say so her yeah i have i have a do you ever tell you about the fishbowl jewel story no hit me with me with it.
Okay, so there was this coffee shop called Java Joe's. Okay.
In Pacific Beach. This is a true story.
Okay. So this is when I was maybe two years into doing stand-up, but I could crush for five minutes.
Yeah, you were murderous for five minutes. I was a murderer for five minutes.
Six minutes off of a cliff. Eat yeah eat it right so like and whenever i java joe had a big crowd right he would call me and go hey man i got a big crowd here do your five minutes and crush right right and so um he calls me one night he goes i can't i don't know what's going on man but it's it's fucking packed in here, man.
Come do the five. I called other artists as well, right? So I had another gig, but I'm like, I can fit it in, then I can go do my other gig.
So I drive down there, and I walk in. And when you walk in, there's a little table to your left and a fishbowl full of business cards.
Right. Right? And the business gets filled with business cards, right? I guess that's how they got, I don't know.
That's how they win a dinner or something. I don't know.
Or that's like a key party. And I walk in and Jewel's there.
Jewel's? Yeah, no. The secret Jewel, right? Oh, right.
And I'm standing there and Joe tells Jewel, hey, can he go up? You know what I mean? Can he go up? You bumped Jewel. No he go up You know what I mean Can he go up You bumped Jewel No and I For five minutes And Jewel was already like On the cover of Time Magazine At the time What was she doing at Java Joe's She lived in San Diego She lived in like Del Mar In that area Sure So I go Hey Can I do five minutes Before you? Right, like that? Yeah.
She goes, you know, I'm just going to do my little set and then leave and then you can go up. It'll be like five minutes.
I'm going to go five minutes. Mm-hmm.
So I go, okay. Now I know I'm going to eat it, right? Yeah.
So she's up there. She sings one song.
And the crowd gives her a standing ovation in this coffee shop yeah right and then they go more one more one more one more right right yeah she goes i'll do another one of course and she does another one right one more one more one more she does another one and then she does in the middle of now it's 30 minutes two albums and i gotta go yeah right and and i'm furious too i'm in a rage right and this is so embarrassing so she she's singing like a very sensitive song this is a new one this is about heartbreak or whatever my grandfather got hiv and it's you could hear a pin drop in the room right and i don't know what came over me but i was so angry i kicked i kicked the table where the fishbowl is with the business cards bobby all right so right so she's singing it and i kick it right, right? And I can see the fishbowl. It's in slow motion, right? And it falls off, right? The table.
She stops playing. The whole place turns around.
And I go, I don't know why I said this. I go, that's right.
I go, that's right. That's right? I said, that's right.
And I laughed. I never played it again that's right jewel now i didn't say jewel clean up these fucking business cards it's embarrassing i already told you so that happened that's funny though that's right it's insane i want you to reach out to her it's insane behavior let's call you i'm not gonna remember let's call her so anyway um oh so rebecca draskin i work at the coffee shop that's what it is jamba Joe's no at this cafe alright am I boring you? no okay so she used to work there with me short blonde hair glasses yeah and I had a crush on her I can tell and one night I was with my brother Steve you know the yeah the crazy I go Steve it's like one in the morning and I go can I just I've been doing this lately can I just park outside this girl's house Bobby stop I didn't do anything weird that's not weird just if Just see if she was safe.
She was in a dangerous area. She was in a dangerous area.
This is when somebody kills a famous person. They're like, I just want to make sure no one else kills you.
She was in a PB and she had in the second floor of this. And you would park outside of her window.
Across the street. Like in the movie, Taxi Driver.
When she's with a curtain drawn in the. Yeah.
taxi driver that martin scorsese scene yes yeah yeah same thing yes right and i would just wait till her the bedroom light turned off and i would drive away bobby what didn't do nothing it's just so strange i admit it real quick by the way i cannot wait till this video is being played in court and they pause it and they go, your honor, no further.

I went to a rehab with this girl named Tara Black. Cool.
She lived in Encinitas. And one night, I don't know what happened, but she goes, spend the night.
She was so cute. In her room.
No, she was, we'll watch movies. And she had lived with her parents.
This isn't at rehab.

No, this is after rehab, so I was still in high school.

Right on.

Right.

So she, and I, this is so embarrassing.

I love this.

I've already told this a long time ago on something, but she fell asleep on the couch, and I pretended

I was, and her little feet were in the blankets like this. Careful now? I am careful.
Go on. This is not illegal what I did.
Sure, go on. And I would get my...
Because it was dark. So I tried to get my light adjusted to...
You know what I mean? Your eyes adjusted to the light. The dark, the darkness.
Sure. Right? Kind of like Bane did in that prison.
Good comparison. Let the eyes let the eyes adjust And I would just stare at her fucking feet Just her toes For 10 hours until she woke up You wouldn't touch them I would wait until the light went up No I would just stare at her toes You wouldn't touch yourself No Okay don't What do you think I'm a criminal Don't act like that's crazy I'm not a criminal man You slowly peeled her feet out and stared It doesn't matter I'm not a bad guy man Okay You slowly peeled her feet out and stared.
It doesn't matter. I'm not a bad guy, man.

Okay, okay.

But you just watched her toes?

Yeah.

And what was it about the toes?

I'd never seen white feet.

Right, it's us.

No, not yours, guys.

I'd never seen white female feet.

I got nice toes.

I'm pretty sure they're good,

but I'm going to pass for now.

But I'd never seen white feet,

and they would glow.

I've only seen yellow feet. Bring up some white toes.
Don't do do that i'll stare at that forever wow i will stare at okay yeah okay that one like in the dead center third row down dead center yeah yeah that is that so that's what yeah so imagine that right right and and i would just i couldn't believe it because the only female feet i'd seen was my mother's and they had like hooves. Claws.
Yeah. They had like nail growing over it.
Scratch the wood floor when she walked. Exactly.
Right. She would scratch.
You know what I mean? But that is what you saw. Yeah.
So I saw that. Right.
It's just imagine that glowing with my eyes adjusted. Right.
And seeing it. Right.
And imagine me just. Not in a sexual way.
No. Just you're fantasizing.
Not fantasizing either. It doesn't have to be nasty.
It's not even nasty. It's like seeing something like, I'll be honest with me.
If you were in England. I'm there now.
Okay, and you were in a field frolicking. Hello, mate.
Right? By yourself. Why am I alone? Just in this scenario, you're alone.
I'm alone. I see it.
So imagine it's prairie land, pastures rolling hills there's a little forest to your left no no no don't do that okay this is way this is thousands of years before that okay got it and to your left you see you what you think is a horse god damn it looks like a horse it's a white horse right looks like a white horse yeah and then as it comes out slowly comes out of the forest look at the size of it

dude horse god damn it looks like a horse it's a white horse right looks like a white horse yeah and then as it comes out slowly comes out of the forest look at the size of its dick that's not what that's not what i'm looking at that's not what you're like all right okay so i see the horse come out and you see you realize it's a fucking unicorn whoa imagine that i see it yeah you would be shocked and you would stare at it for 10 hours like i did it with these feet and that's the way that's the feat. Yeah.
I get it. Yeah.
You would be shocked and you would stare at it for 10 hours. I am.
Like I did it with these feet. And that's the way, that's the feet.
Yeah. I get it.
Something I didn't think knew existed. This is because you loved her.
That's love. You were obsessed with her.
Jules, do you think I'm a creep? Yeah. Really? Maybe I am.
That's a creepy thing, right? It's really creepy. If you woke up, if you were hanging out with a guy that was friends with you, right? Like when you go to college and unfortunately when you start dating, which I'm not a fan of, and a guy says, let's hang out and you guys are hanging out, let's just say you're watching a movie and you see him staring at your feet.
What's your first thought? I'd be really scared. Call the cops.
No, you wouldn't. Call the cops.
You wouldn't call the cops. That't call the cops that seems like a murderer okay if i'm sleeping i'm sleeping i'm in a sleep right my and i go my toes seem you know a little chilly right i open my eyes and some chick is staring at my feet but not in an angry way in a delightful way covet feet.
Not coveting. It's more like, you know, walking by, you know, being an orphan, right?

In France.

Yeah, I'm there.

Walking by.

I'm there.

You know, a pastry shop with the windowsill.

And looking at the fresh baked, you know what I mean?

Hello.

Right?

Yeah.

And then you're like, I wish I could have that, but I can't afford it because I'm an orphan. I have no money.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I am poor.
So that's what it is. That's the same thing.
Exactly what it is. But you think it's really creepy, huh? Really creepy.
Why? Hold the mic. Really creepy because I don't want someone just looking at my feet and like, I don't know what his ideas are.
What is the idea? What would be an idea? Well, what was your idea when you were doing that? It's like a science. No one's attacking you.
What do you think was going on in your head when you were watching it? I was like I found her attractive. Of course.
Right? Were you nervous to be laying next to her? I was on the floor. And she was on the couch? Yeah, I'm not laying next to her.
Oh, I didn't know. She's like, sleep on the floor.
You didn't make it. Immigrant.
Basically was the- Chinese people go on the floor in my house. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right, so you were nervous to be around her. I'm on the floor.
But you pulled her feet out. I can hear her little cute snoring.
Yeah. Right? Yeah.
I got it. It's time.
And you slowly- It's feet time. Feet time.
Right, and I- You don't like it. I don like it jules yeah jules this is not that bad also this is not listen jules right this is in the 80s times were different back then you were allowed to look at broad's feet yeah i'll tell you you know what you just for some reason to remind me of i just when you're nervous you've never done anything like that like with a girl i'm honest no but but but like but I'm just being honest, but know what you just for some reason to remind me of? I just, when you're nervous.
You've never done anything like that, like with a girl. I'm honest, no.
But like, I'm just being honest. But like also, you just made me think of a time when like, when girls used to make me so nervous because they were out of my league.
Exactly. Okay, so like this, like there was a girl in college.
I was in love with her. Like I had the biggest crush on her and her friend kind of liked me.
But her friend was like, friend was a beast she was gross yeah yeah and i kind of would hang out with them just to get close to the girl that i liked but the friend kind of took it as a you know like whatever anyway one night we all get drunk and the friend passes out and i kind of admit to this girl that i'm you know into her how do you do it are you do you do it in a confident way are you nervous make a joke make a joke make a joke make a joke it was always make a joke okay i'm the girl yeah right yeah so so that you're my friend the ugly one is asleep right she's asleep yeah she's gone what's her name barbadook okay barbadook barbadook just really passed out yeah she sure did yeah yeah i mean it's a lot of weight you gotta kind of get off those knees at some point that's mean no i'm just i'm kidding around i'm just joking around she's my best friend no i know i know i just she did complain about her knees in her back earlier so i just was saying she needed maybe rest yeah i just thought you were doing a fat check or something oh my god no and barbadook isn't fat that's not her name. Really? No, her name was Sally.
Yeah, I know, but Barb, she,

oh,

you're the only one that calls her Barbadook. I do.
I guess I do. What does Barbadook mean? It means fat.
It means fat queen. Yeah, yeah, fat queen.
So anyway... Look, I don't even want to watch Last Action Hero.
I don't want to watch this anymore. I think it's one of Arnold Schwarzenegger's best work.
It is, but I don't want to watch this right now. I got to be honest with you.
Okay. I just hung out after she's fallen asleep, and I don't want to go home because I have this huge crush on you.
And I know you're way, way out of my league, but I figured maybe it's the off season, and you might want to hang out with the practice squad sometime. Is that really your angle? No, but I mean, I'm just doing that now for the show.
That's really cool. Did it work? That worked.
Would you have slept with me? Yes. All right.
Because all those little things, it means a highly elevated sense of humor. Because I was joking about myself and shit you up.
It's not like, you know, preteen or post-teen. You know what I mean? Dick humor.

Sure.

It's elevated. All right, so check this out.
So after whatever I did, whatever we said, I don't remember. Yeah.
She's into it. Yeah.
We go back into her room. I had already had sex at this point in my life.
It wasn't like a weird, it wasn't like a, like, this was not an abnormal thing to go back to a girl's room or come to my room uh-huh i went in

there and she laid down on the bed and took her pants off like almost immediately oh and i got so nervous by her uh progressive her but just being like taking her pants off yeah yeah i locked up and i'm not kidding yeah i kept all my clothes on yeah and i just went down on her for like 20 minutes i just go listen man what what

jules is oh you said way worse in front of her i never did that talk about going down on someone please you've talked about getting your penis sucked by a retarded person oh yeah yeah my bad jules no but i but but that and i could only do that i I was paralyzed with the fear that I didn't make another move to have sex with her. Wow.
And I just went down on her. Now, did she, excuse my language, Jules, did she orgasm? No.
No way. You didn't have the technique back then? No, I was a freshman in college.
Oh, yeah. And I was also...
You have good technique now, though. Oh, yeah.
You're licensed professional, right?? Oh my God. Can I see your card? Yeah, hold on.
I'll be doing your wallet. Yeah, I got my wallet.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but I was so nervous that it kind of just ended naturally.
Do you know what I mean? I actually think she pulled me up to like kiss or hang out. And then we just turned over and I fell asleep.
And before she could wake up, it was like five or six AM. I got the fuck out of it.
I was like, fuck this. with how like hot and cool and i was i knew i couldn't do it yeah i bailed oh i bailed you're a pussy oh bro yeah oh bro everyone's had those where they're like intimidated and they they i fucked up yeah i just there was no her taking off her pants i vividly remember being like what she has all the power.
I have no control. You have no power, yeah.
So I just felt like I just jumped in. I just like go head first into the puss pond.
Yeah, do you like it when they tell you what to do down there or do you like just improvising? Well, yeah, as you get older and sex, I love the communication. Right.
And when you're young, no one talks. Yeah, because when they tell me what to do, in my head, I don't think I can do it.
Right. So then I panic.
Yeah, that's a freak out mode. Yeah, can you just do it quickly up to the left? It's like MapQuest.
I don't know. If I don't have MapQuest, I don't know.
Right. You know what I mean? It's like trying to memorize a code.
Is there an app? I need an app. Yeah, for a video game.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, A, B, up, what is it? Left, right? I've had girls say, that's not it.
And then you go, but that's all of it. Yeah.
I'm doing my everything. Your butthole's your butthole's your butthole, lady.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So what's up, my friends? I love you guys.
Greetings from Tijuana, a city that Bobby knows very well. So my name is Hector and I'm challenging Andres to a dance-off to prove that Mexico is much much better much better than Spain Mexico is so much better than Spain because they got better music.
Today I'm going to be telling you about why Mexico is better than Spain. Hey Fancy, you let me know when Spain has Tijuana trannies.
And I'm sure Mr. 45% bisexual would agree with me.
Right, Bobby? Mexico is better than Spain. Because as you know, and as Rudy knows, Spain was really bad to the Philippines.
And you know who wasn't, Fancy? Mexico. I ain't never heard of Spain having donkey shows.
And let's be real. If I was in Mexico, I'd probably ask someone where I could go see a donkey show.
They actually work full work days and earn the right to sit around in a hammock at the end of the day. Instead of in Spain, where you work a three-hour workday, go home at noon and sit around drinking Te Rojo, saying things like, did you see Zack Snyder's Justice League? Spain may have a lot of cool history, and you know, Christopher Columbus was a badass, but Mexico has one thing, and that's crazy.
The crazy cartel with crazy drugs and crazy sexy ladies and not to mention

their crazy awesome food. Mexico has everything the food the culture.
Spain is just like the gay cousin of Mexico. Selena, Cantinflas, Vincent Fernandez, um, Frida, tacos, enchiladas, chiraquiles, tamales, Dia de los Muertos, tequila, Cancún, Cozumel, Playa del Carmen.

We have like ruins, like Native American ruins.

So nothing really gets cooler than that.

Spain is only known for colonizing, rape, and fancy people. Mexico has Mexicans and Spain has Angles.
By the way, Jules, you've heard way worse out of him. That wasn't explicit at all.
Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you. Jeez.
So we also have to remember she's 19. She's a grown up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's 20 in November.
But you're not dating anybody until you're, what do we say? Married. Married.
You get to date someone when you're married. I don't want to get married.
Okay, well then you're never going to date. You're going to be a nun.
Be a nun. I dare you to be a nun.
Can you be a nun? Why? Be a nun. Let's send her to the nunnery yeah let's see what a local nunnery looks like it feels scary oh no it's great being a nun yeah no you'd crush you'd crush as a nun the nunnery there was this documentary about can we give him a call can we call the nunnery no no let's not talk I don't want to go to the...
You don't want to be that close to God?

No, I don't want to be that close to God.

I like how they're closed.

I like how there's a time for the nuns.

We're closed that hour.

Did you see that documentary about that nun

that used to date Elvis back in the day?

She was a movie star.

Wait, this sounds familiar, but maybe you told me this?

Yeah, I used to date Elvis, I think.

Or I went out with Elvis or something.

Nun dated Elvis?

Yeah, yeah. Before she was a nun, Dolores Hart.
Dolores Hart. Is that it? She's an American Roman Catholic Benedictine who was previously a prominent actress following the movie debut with Elvis Presley in Loving You.
She made 10 films in five years, including Wild as the Wind, King Creed, and Where the Boys Are. And she dated him after that.
Wow.

The Connecticut nun who kissed Alva, she kissed him.

Yeah.

That's all they did.

So she, imagine getting 10 movies.

In five years.

Yeah, in my career, I've done 10 movies.

In 30 years.

I know.

This bitch was on fire.

Killing it.

Right?

And then she's just like, oh. I see why.

She's gorgeous.

And she just became a nun.

And then what happened was she lived on this monastery. in the documentary um it's a great documentary she um there was this guy that like back then after elvis right there was a guy that you know wanted to marry her right i'm gonna be a nun right and i think he waited you know i mean until she was 80 and he.
Trying to convince her to stop the memory? No, he just realized, you know, that's the love of my life, right? I can't meet anybody like her. Right.
So I'm just going to live, you know, in a next city adjacent to her. And visit her.
And visit her as much as I can for the rest of my life. So there's two roads here in my mind.
Yeah. That guy, that same guy, used to be the stare at the toes guy late at night.
You, right? You could have either continued to be that guy and that would be you. That's true.
Or you snapped out of it and became Bobby Lee and you figured it out. That's true.
Because that guy for sure stared at toes. He definitely stared at her toes.
A hundred percent. While she was like kissing Elvis.
Yes. Yeah.
Can you look up Dolores Hart's toes? Let's see if they have any toe shots from 1963. There's no way.
There's no way. Dolores Hart's feet.
I'm telling you she's on wiki feet, baby. Oh, she is.
Bring up those feet. Bring up the feet.
The third one on the beach. Oh, that's good.
Is that Dolores? It sure is. Let's's look at the feet bobby those are your that's your porcelain toes scared at those toes 100% yeah give me the one on the beach can you pull pull up the one on the beach because uh that one there's there might be a couple of better shots like that oh there's one yeah below that who was with who was the one right below to the right to the right to the right to the right the one with it was she was with a guy yeah yeah that one oh she's covering her feet you know why because she knows people are going to J right, to the right, to the right, to the right.
The one where she was with a guy. Yeah.

Yeah, that one.

She's covering her feet there. Covering her feet.

You know why?

Because she knows people are going to J-O to them.

This is better.

Yeah, yeah.

Look at her feet.

Beautiful.

Beautiful feet.

Look at her.

Wait, who is that?

Is that, um...

Who is that, Andres?

That's Peck.

Gregory Peck?

That's Gregory Peck.

Is it?

That has to be.

It kind of looked...

They all kind of looked the same.

That's Gregory Peck.

You know how they all kind of looked the same a little bit at some point? Was it Gregory Peck. Is it? That has to be.
It kind of looked, they all kind of looked the same. That's Gregory Peck.
You know how they all kind of looked the same a little bit at some point? Was it Gregory Peck? No, it was Harvey Levin. Harvey Levin? Henry Levin.
Henry Levin. I don't know who that is.
George Hamilton? Oh, was that George Hamilton? Oh, that was George Hamilton. Wow.
Yeah. That was George Hamilton? Yeah, he was a good, yeah, it was, you can see.
we know her son his son what is his name ashley ashley hamilton he used to do stand-up yeah does he still do stand-up no bring up his photo we know his son ashley hamilton he used to show up in like cool leather jackets yeah yeah and um oh dude what happened to that guy what does he do now is he a musician or some shit yeah that's him there's actually this guy used to come to the comedy store but how we used to see him i don't i don't i have a history with him oh bad yeah i have some bad history with him let's talk bad no no i can't i can't no okay but he yeah let's hear it well i think he looks like sugar ray in that picture with a tattoo with the look at the third yeah is that shirt, papa? Do you think he's handsome? No. Oh, she paused way too long.
Bring up the handsome photo back again. Look at that one of the second photo.
That guy's not handsome to you? He looks okay there. I like the tattoos.
You like the tattoos? I think we're fine with her dating, by the way. I think we're going to be fine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tattoos.
Tattoos. There was this one incident where- Jules.
It happened at the Laugh Factory where- This is when Eleanor Kerrigan didn't like me. Why didn't she? Oh, I know.
Yeah. Right.
There was a whole history. Yeah, I remember.

I love her, by the way.

And she was...

Her and Ashley Hamilton were upstairs.

Yeah.

And apparently there was like 50 comics around.

And they were telling everybody that I gave Andy Dick a blowjob.

Well, I heard that.

I mean, I've heard that.

I've heard a version of that.

I've heard a version of that.

Not that you like finished or anything or enjoyed it. I didn't do it.
I've heard that you did. I didn't blow any dick there.
I don't believe it, but I don't not believe it. How about that? As one of your closest friends.
We have to get to a point now in our relationship where you have to be more toward I don't believe it. Oh, I don't believe it.
But I don't not believe it at all. That not believing in it? I don't not believe it.
It needs to be out. Okay.
Like a cancer. Somebody says to me.
We have to cut that out. Somebody says, you're a good friend Bobby Lee.
You love him. I love you so much.
It's fine. You're family to me.
Exactly. They say, Bobby sucked Andy's dick.
Yeah. And then I come here, I say, Bobby, somebody told me that you sucked Andy Dick's dick.
I'll tell you what happened. And then you say to me, no, I didn't.
And a piece of me goes, but it sounds right.

It just sounds.

Okay, it should sound wrong.

It sounds.

I want it to sound wrong to you, and that's where we need to be.

Okay, prove it to me it's wrong.

I'm going to tell you what's wrong.

Tell me how it's wrong.

I'm working the door.

Okay, I don't know who Andy Dick is.

Until.

No.

I was a doorman in 1998. Six.
Eight. Okay.
Yeah. And this is when Joe Rogan was on a show called News Radio.
Great show. Andy Dick was on the show.
Yes. Okay.
So Joe was in the OR or whatever. And some of the, I think Phil Hartman came, a bunch of people came.
Rest in peace. And I was in the bathroom as a doorman i'm wearing the comedy store shirt sucking and no no sorry i'm sorry i'm jumping the shark so anyway um i'm taking a piss and i forgot to lock the door in comes andy dick in comes andy dick right then he goes well well well you know how he does that bathroom, right? You have stairs.
Right in the back of it, there's these. It's like a window with these slots.
Yeah, the slats. The slats windows, right? Is that the face he made? Yeah.
He goes, well, well, well, right? So there's these stairs that go up. And I'm literally standing there.
Andy walks in and I turn around and there's 15 faces in the fucking slots.

Right.

Ready to see what you're about to do.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I go, get, dude, I don't know you, man.

I got to go to work.

I'm working the door.

Right.

That's all that happened.

That's all that happened.

I don't like your face.

Well, no, no, no. It's rude.

No, no, no.

It's absolutely rude.

There's a couple of missing puzzle pieces here. Go ahead.
Why are they looking in the window did andy say i'm gonna go in the bathroom and bobby's gonna suck my cock i don't know why well why would they be looking in the window no one ever looks in that window do you see how there's some do you see how there's some weird did you make a joke outside no no i think maybe people saw me walk in they saw andy dick walk and. And they figured you guys were going to fuck each other.

I'm just trying to do it from the viewer's perspective.

Yeah, it's, you know, if you ask Andy, I never blew him.

In court?

Yeah, he would, in a court.

In a court of law, you might be, this might be found guilty.

I mean, there might not be enough evidence.

Actually, can I be honest with you?

Stop it.

No, no, no. No, stop it.

I'm not going to stop it.

Stop it.

No, because you got me there.

You got me on the edge. Of course you didn't suck andy dick's dick i didn't suck his dick man okay all right i believe you all right but people but people so eleanor years later so they're spreading ashley hamilton are spreading this rumor that i'm gay and i sucked andy dick's dick right.
Would help you now, by the way. What? Career-wise.
My career's great. I know, but that would be, what a boost.
No, wouldn't. What a boost.
Not a boost. Go ahead.
What, you think, let me say something. By you saying that, do you think, even if secretly I did suck his dick, that I would finally go, yeah.
Okay. Yeah, finally go yeah okay I wanted a little piece

I want you to be like

well I kissed him

whatever

Jules

do you think I sucked

Andy Dick's dick

I think so

so anyway

they're spreading around

rumors

which you're pissed off about

and I was pissed off about it

because that's bullshit

because it's bullshit

and that's my

that was my

you and Ashdog

did you ever hash it out

with him

he was one of those guys

where if I

like if I was

in a

if I was like

Thank you. Because it's bullshit and that's my – You and Ashdog.
Did you ever hash it out with him? He was one of those guys where if I was in a – if I was at Greenblatt's and I was with a bunch of comics and he walked in and I didn't say hello to him directly, that he would find that to be disrespectful. Oh, grow up.
You know what I mean? So then like two weeks later, I'll go, what's up, Ashley? He won't say anything. I'll go, you have a problem? He goes, yeah, because Greenblatt's a couple weeks ago.
You didn't say hi to me. He's that kind of guy.
Oh, God. Yeah, so I was just saying.
What an unmemorable thing. He's a nice guy, though.
Yeah, but some people do that thing where they're like, you know who I hadn't seen in a long time, by the way? You talk about good-looking guys. Lachlan Patterson came.
We were both doing Salt Lake. You don't know him? He's so funny, dude.
Canadian comic moved here years ago. Look at him.
I want to see's his face patterson he's awesome lachlan that's him right there yeah love him he's so funny that guy so when i use a good joke writer oh he's a brilliant joke when i first met him he looked like the the the short-haired headshot that you see yeah yeah and now that's what you what you just first clicked on that's who he is now yeah yeah he's so funny surfer fucking yeah he's such a cool dude yeah he was down there too and this guy do you think he's handsome yes yeah yeah yeah yeah he's so funny this guy i mean we even with short hair he was a good look you know what short hair looks like one of the property brothers a little bit no he looks like literally what i want jesus to look like with the long hair with the go back to long hair that is j yeah. I have risen.
But don't you want a little bit more tan?

No, that's perfect.

A little bit more tan. I want him whiter, actually.

You know what I mean?

Porcelain Jesus?

Closer to who he is.

Closer to who he should be.

That's what it is.

So if he rose like that.

Then you'd be into it.

I'd be like, that's what Jesus generally kind of looks like to me.

A little darker though.

What does Jesus

look like to you

Jules?

Big breath.

I don't know.

Long hair.

What color is his skin?

Look at all these

photos of Jesus.

All right.

Let's go into that.

What color is

Let's judge Jesus

based on these photos.

Well I can tell you

which one it's definitely

not.

That bottom left one.

Yeah. So the one my grandmother has all over her house.
Yeah. Okay, this is a good game.
Which Jesus does my grandmother have literally all over her house? Oh, I already can tell. Go ahead.
The first one. On the far left? Or, can I give you a second one? No, you...
The far right. Let you all guess too.
I was gonna say the right one. The far top right? Yeah.
Correct. That one.
That's all over my grandmother. That very photo is littered all over my grandmother.
Literally, Jesus literally did not look like that. Yes, that was him.
Blow that picture up a little bit. Can you pinch and zoom? So the Jesus on the left is who they want you to believe an Egyptian would look like.
Right there. Yeah.
But that Jesus right there to the right, that's what he looks. Soft eyes.
He looked like he might have played in a band in the 80s, in the late 80s. Go to the one to the left.
Not that one, the second one I hear. I think that's the closest to what Jesus looks like.
I don't know. I don't know.
Egyptians are fair-skinned like me. I understand that.
But go to the all right. That's Andy Daly White.
I know, that's who Jesus was. He wasn't Andy Daly White.
That's who Jesus was. No, no, no.
What color was Jesus? Do you know? Like tan or a bit darker. Yeah, exactly.
Very dark. He was Middle Eastern.
Like maybe down to there. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Obviously, that's more close to what Jesus looked like right there.
Yeah, yeah, to the left, yeah. Egyptian.
Egyptian, yeah. He was fucking Egyptian.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The idea, though, that they paint him like the one that my grandmother has is really strange.

Like, that's fucked up.

That's what you see all the time.

That looks like Matt Reif.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, it's really strange.

Yeah, it's such a weird—

And then holding the baby lamb, that's what you see those photos all the time.

Yeah, they're making a last temptation of— not last temptation, Passion of the Christ Part 2. Is Mel doing it? Yeah.
That's awesome. And was it Jim Caviezel? Really? Yeah.
This is after what happened, Part 2, what happened after the cave incident. After he called that cop a dirty Jew or whatever it was? No, no, no.
After Passion of Christ. At least now I know you.
Let me see. If I was Jesus, would I let you in? Oh, my God, dude.
No, I mean, because- At the door, I'd be like, bad friends. I'd be like, yeah, but that was just my, you know- What? Yeah, earthly project.
I know, but it gave you meaning and fun and life and- I'll just say, wait, go. There's a me wait in the fucking line there's already a line you're in the front of the line I know I just it took me forever to get up here go off to the side go off to the side I gotta see who else is coming in no no no I waited in the line I didn't even skip the line I could have skipped the line and said hi to you it doesn't matter dude I'm Jesus I run the fucking understand but security all right so they put it to the side right get off of me get the fuck off you're not going downstairs you're making it you're not going downstairs all right you're not watch now watch who else i let in all right kevin spacey come on i would let you in but i would fuck with you i know you would right right away would you do? Or you'd put me in hell for like 15 minutes and then be like, come on.
Okay, so would you let me in? I'm Jesus at the gates? Yeah. All right, you're with Rudy.
You guys both show up. Well, we'd have to have, because the line's long.
So many people die a day. Right, hold on.
So I'm Jesus. Right, so.
And you and Rudy are together. We had died in a car accident obviously right because she was driving yeah she was yeah and well i think if that was the case we if we were in line i'd be like you know you didn't see the red light you guys are arguing you're the one that's driving no you're driving she's driving you're driving you don't want me to drive because you always say that I drive slow.
But you were driving.

Fine.

And that's why we got an accent.

No.

Because you didn't even know the fuck you were driving.

No, you were screaming.

So I got distracted.

Well, regardless, because we're dead now.

It's your fault.

Your fault.

Hello, my children.

Hi, Tito.

Hello, Tito.

Ah, Jules.

A lovely spirit, a light.

Come in.

Thank you.

Hey, I'm just going to go with her then. Next! You won? Next! You won? I'd let you right in.
Are you the number one? Like, if I Google Andrew Santino, are you the number one Andrew Santino that comes up? What? What the fuck does that even mean? Of course I'm the number one fucking, there's only one of them. How come when you Google your name right and i'm only i'm the third one that pops up what are you talking about watch go right uh get out of this google search search get out no go back to andrew santino uh right and then go down to what i don't know it was like what people other people search for yeah.
Why am I the third? Because we're connected. Yeah, but why is Theo more connected to you? Why is he first? I think I make fun of him more.
I don't know why. I don't know why.
How does that work? I don't think that's in order. That's not? No, it can't be.
Click on mine. And click on that and see.
Right, I'm the second. You're second.
Kalilah. And my girlfriend's first, so I so i should be fucking second yeah i guess that's true yeah and magnum pi is on there man they'd love you from that show right is bobby lee right is bobby lee is in front of it is bobby lee and let's see what these are married korean related to bruce lee that's a good question honestly that's valid yeah is are still married? Is Bobby Lee Cook alive? Is this when you were with Dane Cook for a few years? I don't know.
Bobby Lee Cook was a guitarist. Is Bobby Lee Chinese? By the way, is he Korean and is he Chinese? We keep fucking with people.
They don't know what you really are. Yeah.
You want to tell them that you're Japanese? I am Japanese. They have no idea.
Okay,rew santino is andrew santino fun game married in the office irish have a special wife dating from net worth they want to know my money this is all this is all there's nothing special they don't well irish is andrew santino irish is andrew Were you in the office? Yeah, I did an episode

of The Office. Oh.
Yeah, one episode.

I mean

but fucking what a weird...

By the way, we spent this whole time having a good time

and we didn't even mention that Cinco de Mayo...

That's what I wanted to do.

How do you feel about immigration?

About which kind?

Oh. That's right.
Exactly.

Mexicans I like. You do? Love.
Cubans. same thing, no? Yes, any Latin I'm good with.
Latin's good. How about Haitian? Yeah, I like the food.
Okay, good. I like the food.
All right. All right.
What about if they were aborigine from Australia? From Australia? Yeah. I don't want Australians in here.
Okay. Australians.
All Australians. Okay.
I don't want them ever here again. Eskimos.
That's what – they're from the United States. That's true.
Yeah, there are. That was a true question.
There are people. That's a true question.
Okay. All right.
What about, you know, this game, I'll tell you where this game is leading. This game is going to lead to me saying either Chinese or Korean, and you saying absolutely not.
I'm waiting for it. So I'm not going to go.
Show it to fans. Give them what they want.
No, no, no. I am done with the game.
The joke is that I'm okay with everybody but Asians. I know, I know, but I just knew that this line of questioning was going to go to there So I'm going to nip in the butt now Thanks for playing For the sake of comedy we could have just kept going Alright let's go back then No no no it's ruined now But Japanese people yes love them Let them.
What about China? Fine. Sometimes.
Thai?

Thai?

I'm looking to you

because you know those people

better than I do.

Oh, yeah.

You all let him in?

Yeah.

Filipinos.

Definitely not.

Filipinos.

Definitely not.

Very good.

The fact that there's two of them

in this office right now

scares the shit out of me.

I'm not Filipino.

Oh, that's right.

Gap, gap.

Shh.

Yeah, I know. She, yeah yeah it's between these two filipinos by the way she looks identical to gilbert it's so scary you know what i said to her when she came in yeah i go oh fuck i've this i've seen your face for the first time because i've only seen her with a mask yeah yeah so when i first came in she she had taken off her mask for a second yeah and she took her mask and i said that's weird i wondered what she looked like.
But now that I saw Gilbert, I was like, I should have known. A couple of weeks ago, episodes ago, we did a episode where we wrote a movie called The Bottoms of Turtle Island.
Yeah. And a lot of our fans made movie posters.
Yeah. And we'd like to see some of them.
Let's check out some posters here. So this one, I don't like the font above.
It just needs to be bolder. You be bolder You don't like It looks like a pirate wrote it Yeah It looks like it's done with a pen But I like How our names are in white So you can see them Right Can I see the whole thing Is there any way to look at the whole thing Is that the whole thing Full screen it Full screen that one photo I think that's as big as I get Yeah that's it There's no bottom to it then Well it's the bottom of Turtle Island No I think that's as far as it goes Yeah Yeah, that's it.
There's no bottom to it then? Well, it's the bottom of Turtle Island. No, I think that's as far as it goes.
Yeah. Is that an animated GIF of Rudy? No, it looks like it moved.
Well, what I like about this, that's the stairwell that we- Oh, that's cool. You know? All right, Rudy's down there with the knife.
But she's smiling. With smiling.
Which we said she wasn't. Right.
But the bodies are behind her. You see all the bodies? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then to the left, you see the turtle itself that lives below you. Oh, wow, wow, wow.
That's amazing. I really love that.
Somebody really put the work in. Thank you so much for that.
And obviously, I'm giving you a piggyback ride because that's how the S and the D starts. That's how all that stuff.
And this island looks- Which is not that important in the movie. It is not that big of a theme.
Yeah. By the way, the island looks exactly how I thought it would look.
That's great. Very small, rocky on one side.
Yeah. It's you for who did that thank you for who did that and then this one of course introducing rudy jewels i like that i like that we should be the stars and we're the stars and interesting region as if her performance right right is like you know you're gonna be like wow wait till you see this yeah because if her performance isn't good they're not gonna say that no they're introducing bobby leander's antino introducing rudy jewels and the drawings of us are good there's little island yeah the bottoms of turtle island how long can they survive bad friends productions presents a film by andres yeah yeah what is it no it says anita bryant oh that's who that is written by bobby leander's santino starring bobby leander's santino juliana rudy eric griffin's in it why is he in it why is he in it did we put him in the original no he's got audition we definitely gotta make him read music by fancy b produced by bobby lee and andrew santino and directed by fancy b of course bottoms of turtle island.com god we should have i hope we get that website oh this is good this is like you know what you know how sometimes they make movie posters for like Europe or Japan? This is the Japanese one.
Well, there's the hot walk there in the pub. So, oh, this is really clever.
This is clever. Your hot walk restaurant is right next to the pub that we talked about.
There's the bodies on the hill. Yeah.
By the way, do you notice in the photo you're laying on top of me there nude? Am I, am I, does my ass have to be in the? Of course. In the poster.
How do you want to sell the movie, Bobby? This is a Japanese... I know, but the thing is that I just don't want mine to be...
I don't want to... If we're trying to crush the foreign market, we have a cute little tushy Asian boy with chopsticks in his hair in a bun clutching to a pale ginger boy.

Yeah.

This is going to sell tickets.

I guess.

I guess.

It's going to sell tickets.

I just need approval.

You know what I mean?

Next time.

I'm sorry.

These are already on the streets of Japan.

We sent these out.

It's already sent out.

It's on every phone call.

Can you please give me approval?

Yes, but you're going to be upset.

This is in Times Square as well.

We put it up in Times Square.

Huge.

Yeah.

What's the next one?

That's really good. Great one.
And this is obviously- Here we go. See, this is our relationship.
This is it up in Times Square. Huge.
What's the next one? That's really good.

Here we go. See, this is our relationship.

This is it. And this is for Amsterdam.

Yeah. This is a foreign poster for Amsterdam.

For sure. The bottom of Turtle Island,

right? And what's what I love

exactly. Did you get approval

for this? I actually did.

I didn't approve of it, but I do now that I see it.

Yeah, yeah. You have a very small

ass. And you and your

ass is your whole back.

That's true. Your butt is the size Thank you.
I didn't approve of it, but I do now that I see it. Yeah, yeah.
You have a very small ass.

And your ass is your whole back.

That's true.

Your butt is the size of your back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

By the way, I love our catchphrases down there at the bottom.

Suck, suck, suck.

Yeah, yeah. And I love that Jules is in the middle.

Do you see that?

Jules and the sword.

Zoom into the Jules and the sword.

Oh, that is wonderful.

There she is.

And on the bodies, skulls. See, that's the most accurate picture of jewels.
That's a great fucking poster. Look at how we're looking at each other.
I don't know. Let me ask you this, though.
Why do I have a Fu Manchu mustache? You have one right now. No, I don't.
A Fu Manchu mustache. I mean, it's about as close to a Fu Manchu as you can get.
Okay. It's there.
It looks good. All right.
That's a good one. All right.
And this one. This one is.
Whoa. Whoa.
Bob. This is street art.
They made you jacked. Yeah.
No, that's pretty much it. That's what it looks like? Yeah.
And look at you. Clutching to your leg.
Look at you. Mm-hmm.
Zoom in. Look at you.
Zoom in more. Look at you.
I'm admiring the size of your sword. I know.
My point is that that's about it. Do you think that's what the movie would be like? I think if they did a real poster of the movie, that that would be pretty much it.
You think they would make you a jacked in shape guy? Yeah, and they would barely have you in it. As if you were a tattoo on my leg.
Okay. Yeah.
Depends on what level of comedy they wanted. Next poster? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, don't. Let's look at this masterpiece.
I think this one's a piece of shit. Whoever drew this can fucking burn.
Yeah, yeah. Here we go.
This is by Paramount. This is Paramount+.
This is Paramount+. Yeah, this is in America.
This is current, yeah. These are billboards in America.
That's true. Yeah.
So look at Rudy. How scary she is.
Do the noise right now for me. Right.
And that's all you hear when you walk into the theater I don't know why I still have chopsticks in my hair What do you mean you gotta keep them in there Your hair's gonna get in your eyes Why do I even have to have Sandra Bullock hair Well here's why You have long flowing beautiful hair When we're S-ing each other's D's It's gonna't suck me. You have to tie your hair up when you're sucking.
That's true.

That's a great post. And that one is available now

at Paramount+. If you don't have, use the promo

code BADFRIENDS at Paramount+. Thank you

guys for sending in the bottoms of Turtle Island.

We really do appreciate it. That was fun.
We appreciate it.

That was fun. Rudy,

go ahead and take us home

and look into your camera and say goodbye.

Thank you for

being a bad friend and bye.

And bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Is-a-zat, is-a-zat, is-a-zat, is-a-zat, is-a-zat, is-a-zat, is-a-zat, is-a-zat, is-a-zat,

This is that.

This is that.

This is that.

This is that.

This is that.

No, fuck you.

Fuck you.

Don't get angry, dude.

Don't joke.

Why can't I call you out, man?

Let's read the thing.

Go suck Andy Dick's dick again, you fucking phony. I suck his dick, man.

I didn't suck his dick. No, fuck you.
Fuck you. Don't get angry, dude.
Don't joke. Why can't I call you out, man?

Let's read the thing.

Go suck Andy Dick's dick again, you fucking phony. I suck his dick, man.

I didn't suck his dick, man.

Okay.

All right?

Okay.

Oh, I could say some shit right now, but I'm not.

About sucking Andy Dick's dick?

No, other things.

Yeah, say it.

I'm not gonna.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

Fucking bitch.

Call me that again.

See what happens.

I'll fucking beat the shit out of you in this studio.

Call me that again. See what happens.
Fuck you. Fuck the shit out of you in this studio.
Call me that again.

See what happens.

Fuck you.

Fuck you.

All right?

You and you fucking.

For angry issues, better help.

Yeah, are you fighting?

Yeah.

One, two, three.

Better help.

Oh, Andrew.

Yes, Bob?

This is something that we both need, especially you. Woo-hoo Yeah Woo-hoo

Yeah

Woo-hoo

Yeah

Woo-hoo