The Bottoms of Turtle Island

Does it ever feel like you're a marketing professional just speaking into the void?

Well, with LinkedIn ads, you can know you're reaching the right decision makers.

You can even target buyers by job title, industry, company, seniority, skills.

Wait, did I say job title yet?

Get started today and see how you can avoid the void and reach the right buyers with LinkedIn ads.

We'll even give you a $100 credit on your next campaign. Get started at linkedin.com slash results.
Terms and conditions apply. Yo, we got a merch update.
The greatest rock and blues band of all time, Bad Friends, is here, compiled by, of course, Rudy Jules, with Carlos Antilius, Peter Blythe Moulave, and, of course, your favorite, George Trinidad. So pick up those shirts.
And also, 420 Special. For 420, man, we are restocking these tie-dyes and the tie-dye tees.
So go check that out right now at badfriendsmerch.com or in the merch bar down below if you're on the YouTubes. Also, this weekend, Andrew Santino, I am going to be in Brea, Southern California.

If you live in the Southern California era and you want to see me do an hour,

I'm going to be at the Brea Improv, the 23rd and 24th, four shows.

That's all we got.

Come see me.

Go to andrewsantino.com for tickets.

andrewsantino.com, Southern California.

Let's go.

You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

Puppy report.

Oh, puppy report.

It's very chaotic.

It's chaotic.

My room smells like poo.

Dude, we have three puppies.

What you posted was so cute, that dog's face.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

So cute.

They're so cute.

I always go in there.

Are they pooping all over your room?

Piss, poo, everything.

Love it.

Why?

I just think it's a part of puppy life. Yeah, it is.
And the puddles are this big. They're not big.
I know, but you have to understand that her room, we have a little gate. Yeah.
And then we have three adult dogs wanting to get at these three puppies and eat them. Yeah.
So it's a whole event.

But isn't it just upstairs, downstairs?

You separate them by floors.

Don't you do that? No, not.

You got it for the puppies.

You should just in case.

Yeah, but then she has to stay downstairs.

There's nothing downstairs.

It's grim down there.

Is it scary down there?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you not like sleeping down there?

No, I like it.

I'm fine with it.

Yeah, she loves creepy shit.

Look at her.

Are you stoned? No, I just woke up I'm fine with it. Yeah, she loves creepy shit.
Look at her. Are you stoned?

No, I just woke up.

I know.

She just woke up from a nap.

Dude, what?

I know.

What do you have?

You don't do anything.

She has this week off, too.

It's like, you're on vacation, correct?

Yeah, but I'm taking care of that puppy.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is a lot.

Well, that's annoying.

I understand how long.

It's a lot.

When we had our dog, it was literally.

I was shooting at the time, too. So I was getting no sleep already because I was shooting 14-hour days.
And the puppy would wake up 3.30 a.m., 4.30 a.m., 5 a.m., kind of like your alarm. 5, 6, 7, and then I'd go to work at 7.30.
Do you want a second dog or no? Really bad, actually. You want to take a look at our puppies?

Yeah.

Actually, I'm serious.

We literally just talked about getting another dog.

Take a look at our puppies.

What kind of they?

At the call, I said they might be half pit bull.

My only worry is how big they get.

I can't have really big dogs.

We have one called Stumpy.

Oh, I like that already.

They're all the same.

But don't we have Stumpy?

Yeah.

He looks like a hot dog.

He looks like a hot dog.

Not only that.

Like a wiener dog?

He looks like one, yeah.

Wiener dogs are awesome.

But it can't be because then they're all wiener dogs, no?

Or can a dog have like a poodle and a Rottweiler come out?

Well, these are all from the same litter?

Yeah. So they're all the same.

But wait a minute.

One looks like a wiener dog and one looks like a-

He's actually-

Stumpy.

No, he's-

I don't want to say this, but-

Say it.

I'm not saying- She said it.

He's just slow.

He's slow.

Can dogs have Down syndrome?

I don't know, but he just like,

this is,

you go in the room and the puppies are coming toward me.

Yeah.

Stumpy is just like,

when he barks,

he's like,

yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

Can dog,

because Down syndrome is categorized

as having 47 chromosomes,

23,

oh, right, right. That's not right.
It can't be diagnosed in dogs who by default have 78 chromosomes wow wow do dogs have can dogs be slow though is that a real thing like can you have i mean obviously some dogs are smarter than others no but i'm saying okay right but that's like some people are smarter than others but i'm saying can they have a mental disability there has to be they're right yeah because my buddy's dog yeah i'm not making this up used to run into the walls all the time in the broad daylight and they got his vision checked they thought maybe he has he's blind they were like no he's fine what's wrong and he's like well he's just running into the walls and they're like bad depth perception it's like yeah maybe he's maybe the dogs have to have Tourette's too right it is also true also true that dogs develop mental illness. Dogs can acquire forms of anxiety.

Yes, we know that.

Compulsive disorders, PTSD.

But no, they don't get...

Okay.

I don't know.

Imagine a dog with Tourette's.

He's like, fuck, fuck.

And then he covers his mouth with his mouth.

But sometimes he barks.

He's like, arf, arf.

He's like, come here, buddy.

He's like, oh, shit, shit, cunt, cunt.

Yeah, yeah.

That's silly.

Wait a minute.

There's three pups, right?

Three pups in the litter?

Yeah.

Okay, three pups in the litter.

I'll take a look at them.

We really will.

I mean. My only concern is how big.
I can't have big dogs. They're not going to be big.
I don't have a big enough yard. I think big? I think they'll be just medium.
Medium. You can tell by their paws.
Do they have big paws? Kind of. They're going to be big.
They have pretty big paws. When you have big paws.
Yeah, yeah. When you look at them? Of course.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Because you know your dogs, your dogs are, you don't have any dogs that are that big. No, we have little ones.
Well, they're mediums. Yeah, they're all like, you know, they're accidents, man.
It's like. Yeah, that's why I like them.
You know, like the one that I have, the old one, we have a 90-year-old man living in the house. He's 96, right? Remy.
Yeah, Remy's 96.

Right.

And Remy, you can tell by his fingers.

They're fucked up.

And he goes like this. Each fingernail is a different color.

Black, brown, yellow, right?

And then there's a nail that just comes out of the paw itself.

He's deformed.

Right?

And he walks around like this.

And he's just grumpy.

Peas everywhere.

Peas everywhere. Well, he has no bladder control anymore.
That's so control anymore and if it was up to me in the beginning it's like I could have just thrown it across the street but then what happens is he falls in love with you you fall in love with him and now we're stuck back in the day when we were kids a lot of people would have dogs that they couldn't take care of or they had to get rid of and they just became outside dogs.

But we have the middle one, Julio, that she fucked up.

Yeah, but that's –

Because she raised up.

She raised – listen.

Don't shake your head.

You raised Julio as a puppy, right?

Yeah.

And now look at Julio.

He's not adjusted to the world, right?

We've had the best trainers in the world try to train him and then they always walk around. Yeah, it's nah.
It's a lost cause? It's a lost cause. He's like, yeah, but there's nothing.
And I always point to her. I go, what did you do to Julio? I didn't do anything.
Yeah, you did. You and your sister.
My sister. Did you hit it? Did you do something to it? No.
Did you sharpen knives in front of it? Listen. No.
Okay, so you think the puppy was just born that way? Yeah. I don't know.
I don't know. I don't think so.
Do you kiss Julio on the mouth? No, sometimes. Okay.
Do you let him lick all over your mouth? No, but he does. That's okay.
That makes sense for him. Yeah, yeah.
And that's also- It's on brand. It's on brand.
Yeah. I'm curious as what you did to Hulu to make him so damaged.
Do you mouth kiss your dogs? 100% no. Okay.
No. You don't? No.
Why? Because I just don't get, I don't like that. Like white people have, just let me ask you something.
But I'm not a white. I'm not a normal white.
Whites do. I've seen your family.
You're fucking white as fuck, bro. Yeah, I know.
Welcome. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So what I'm saying is that what I've noticed is growing up, like, you know, like if we were going to go out, like if I left the house with some friends on a Friday night. Sure.
And my dad was sitting at the kitchen table. And if he wasn't drunk, if he was drunk, that's another thing.

When was he not drunk?

There were some times he wasn't like when he got back from work right away.

So if I was leaving, he'd go, I'm going out.

He'd go, okay, bubble.

And I would kiss my dad on the lips.

Bro, I hate people that do that.

That's the grossest shit.

Your dad, you're a grown up, you're a teenager and you kiss your dad on the mouth. Not tongue kiss, you fucking...
I didn't say that. Oh, popo dad? I mean, are you out of your fucking mind? And he's like, yeah, popo.
Yeah, popo. Oh, yeah, popo, and you hear it, zip.
What does popo mean? Kiss. Popo.
Yeah, popo. Popo, hey.
Popo, hey. Popo, hey? Yeah, popo, hey.o hey And I go You peck Or he'll kiss you on the cheek Cheek is fine Yeah yeah yeah Sometimes on lips Mouth I don't like Okay My point though is cultural Popo Yeah And then like Wife folks Right You guys don't I know like some of my friends Never even said I love you To their parents Well those are just damaged people.
Do you say, I love you? Of course. To your dad.
I say, I love you. Not your stepdad.
Yeah, I do. Not your stepdad.
Yes, I do. You don't really love him, though, as much as you.
What? Come on, man. Are you crazy? Why are you smirking? No, no, no.
You're totally opposite. My stepdad raised me.
He was like my father. He was one that I- You don't have the full experience, though.
No. No though no i mean if you're being genuine right now not comedy no i that's the opposite my step dad was like my father he raised me my whole life like he i met him when i was nine or no younger than that what do i mean you don't even know you don't even know he became crazy it is he he became like my dad no so i do i love him so much like i say i love all the time to him.
Can I ask you? I say I love you to you and to Rudy. Yeah, but for you, it's like, well, because you say it a lot, it just doesn't mean as much.
Right. That's why I say it.
Because I've seen you say it to like Dorman at the Comedy Store. Sure.
I kiss him on the – I go, po-po. I love you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he go, good set tonight.
I go, pop-pop. Pop-pop, hey.
Yeah, yeah. No, no.
I say I love you a lot to people that I really do care about. So I say it all the time.
I say it all the time. Because if I really like you, I love you.
Like, Andres, have I said I love you to you? You have. Yeah.
Do you really love Andres? Look me in the face. Yeah.
I love Andres. Fancy is a wonderful person.
Pete, you haven't gotten it yet but that's you got it you got some time and also okay i want to play a game with you that i just did okay what okay just real quick okay yeah so this is a game i just made up okay and it's like you know that you know that app right that changes people to different genders or whatever uh sure so i have some comics comics that you know. Okay.
And I changed their gender.

Okay.

And I want to see if you can guess who they are.

This is a female comic that's a man.

Okay.

And go.

Are you asking me hot or not?

No, who are they?

Oh, who is this? Yeah.

That is, look at how widespread the eyes are.

Yeah.

Who?

This is a little hard because she's not a comedy store comic.'s not a comedy store comic right that doesn't matter she's uh she did chelsea lately a lot sarah colana no damn uh uh uh give me one more hint i'll just you're never gonna guess it i'll just give you the initials just give me the initial a m arden mirren yeah yes i got it okay that now i see it in her eyes whoa that's ard and mirin next whoa she's a comedy store comic female comedy store comic regular gets spots a lot all right i'm looking in the eyes yeah yeah and she and she also uh by the way that's a pretty handsome dude. Yeah, yeah.
She just had a baby. That's Natasha? No.
Oh, no? No. That's Sarah Tiana.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, I see it in the eyes.
That's so much fun. All right, next one.
Wow. Next one.
Okay, comedy story. It's a man comic.

Yeah.

He's a regular.

He gets spots maybe on two spots a week, a Wednesday or Saturday, right?

This dude is, to me, a legend.

He's in the same school as like – he was friends with like Mitch Hedberg and what's the guy from Arizona?

Doug Stanhope?

Doug Stanhope.

That crew. Short hair.
How about this? He spent a lot of time in Europe. Like lived there.
He lived in Amsterdam. Fuck.
Yeah. You got to give me the initials now because I'm out.
TR. TR.
Tom? Uh-huh. Tom Rhodes.
Yes. Oh, Tom Rhodes.
That's Tom Rhodes. Oh, my God.
Tom Rhodes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And by the way, is he at like a Republican rally? I don't know. I just found that photo.
No, but wait, wait. Oh, you found the photo to imagine? Online, yeah.
Let's go online. I thought the app gives you a girl.
No, no, no, no. Oh, that's wild.
Okay, this one, I'll give you. You know what, dude? I'll give you my salary for a month.
on this podcast if i can guess that but you have to give me one hint there's no way well my salary okay okay fine all right so okay okay she i don't even believe that i put this in there this is a hard one so this one hangs out with jason collings okay and brent um mor. Yeah.
He does their podcast as well. Okay.
Right? He's not a regular at the store. He just kind of hangs out.
Is a stand-up though. Yeah.
He's opened for me several times. The kid that the kid.
I know what his. You know his name? I'll just tell you what it is.
What's his name? Will Burkhart. Burkhart.
Yeah. Will.
I knew his name was Will. I get your salary.
Next one. Yes, I do.
Next. This one right here is a good one.
You're going to love this one. These look like...
I know. This is a girl.
This guy's next door. Yeah, this is a girl, right? Yeah.
She's not a regular at the store, but she's a cover booth person. That's Chelsea.

Yes.

That's Chelsea.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I saw it in the eyes.

Yeah.

No, I'm pretty good at this.

This is good.

Cover booth.

There's only one girl that has a cover booth.

That's not true.

Oh, there's several.

That's not true.

There's a few.

Next.

Oh, this is so easy.

Go ahead.

It's Tony Hinchcliffe.

And I can tell.

This actually looks, if he just put on a wig, that would look exactly like that.

Yeah.

Next one.

That's Adam Ray. yeah.
Next one. That's Adam Ray.

Next one.

That's Theo Vaughn.

I'm getting good now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Next one.

By the way, hold on.

Go back to Theo Vaughn.

Yeah.

Wow.

Fockable.

Wow.

Fockable.

Dude, because there's a trend on TikTok.

If my friends were girls, would I sleep with them?

That's like a big trend.

Theo, for sure.

Go back to Adam.

No.

No way.

she's like a

Thank you. Dude, because there's a trend on TikTok.
If my friends were girls, would I sleep with them? That's like a big trend. Theo, for sure.
Go back to Adam.

No.

No way.

She's like a talk show host.

She's on The View.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go back one more.

Who was the one before?

It was Tony?

No.

Maybe.

But she looks like in the morning, the next morning after you've like a one-night stand.

She's like, why don't you hang out and we go to brunch together? No. Okay, go forward, go forward.
Theo for sure though. Yeah, this one.
Wow. And this one is super hard.
No, it's not. I didn't know off the bat.
I can usually see it in the eyes right away. This one's not hard.
Not a comic. Not a comedian.
No. But a comedic actor.
Celebrity. Oh, a celebrity.
Who I know. Who's a good friend of mine.
Won an Emmy. Play, you know, he's kind of a bigger guy, obviously.
And he, do you know who it is? Eric Stonestreet? Yep. That's Eric? Yep.
Oh my God. Next one.
And by the way, I would not. Would not.
I didn't mean that. That's a no, it's a pass.
Okay, this one. That's a real comic we know.
No, no. This one's easy.
This one's easy. You do? Yeah, I know right away.
It's Nikki Glaser. I thought you know.
I can tell. That was amazing.
I can tell by the nose. Amazing.
I can see by the nose and the eyes. Next one.
Yeah. This one.
This one's hard. No, it's not.
It's the easiest one. And? Eleanor Kerrigan.
Yes. God, I'mrigan.
Yes! I'm doing it. I'm doing it.
I'll get this one right here. Zoom in.
This one is the million dollar one. Regular.
Yeah. You know him.
Am I friends with him? Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah.
Regular and friends with him, right? Yeah. Story person, that's all I can give you.

I don't know why, but when they changed this person, it was weird.

It was like, that does not look like him.

He's tall.

Would be like, Jesselnik is tall.

Galern is tall. You would know that if those are Galern or Jesselnik.

Maybe.

I mean, because you said it doesn't look anything like the guy. Just look at the nose.
Who's tall like that? Who's tall like that? With a pointy nose. Older.
Who's tall like that? The Kirk Fox? That's Kirk Fox? Yeah. Wow.
Isn't that crazy? He's hot. I'd fuck Kirk Fox.
That's hot. Yeah that hot? Yeah Yeah yeah Yeah Rudy Can I call Kirk Fox Because I haven't talked to him a long time? Why? Because I really like him I like him too We'll tell him how hot he is as a girl His voice is just so great Baby boy Kirk What's up? Hey hey you're on me and bobby's podcast yeah just letting you know bobby did this game where he puts your picture into an app on the phone and it turns you into a girl and i'm telling you i'm gonna send you this photo you're so hot as a girl like we would fuck you we would fuck you.
Can I change into that for real? I mean, I think they're doing this all the time now, right? This is easy to get done. 20, 30 K and you can look like that.
So what do I do? Is there a place I go? Because I don't like the way I look as a man. I don't like the choices I make.
I just don't like the feeling. but if i'm a hot woman yeah can i write it out no imagine that voice with that face bobby's being mean again kirk we love you bobby bobby uh bobby and i are gonna be spending some time together soon you guys are shooting together we're shooting What are we doing? I think we might be in Oklahoma together, Bobby.
Oh, are you doing that show? Yes. Oh, I'll see you there, buddy.
Same episode? Same episode? I'm going to be in a lot of them, so our paths will cross. Oh, wow.
That's awesome. That's awesome.
All right, well, then when you see... Let me tell you, Bobby, it's going to be probably a lot of them so our paths will cross oh wow that's awesome all right well then well then when you see let me tell you bobby it's going to be probably the best show in the world these guys are amazing of course that's why i did it i was so busy i was like i found out who was involved so i go i just gotta i have to find time yeah i did the pilot in september and uh now i'm going back they decided to keep the mustache.
That's amazing. So how many episodes did they pick up? Well, they're doing the first season.
Oh, that's awesome. Congratulations, brother.
That's great. That's great, you guys.
Yeah, sorry, Andrew. I forgot you were even here.
No, yeah, no problem. All right, you're hot as a woman.
Have fun in Oklahoma. I love you.
I miss you, buddy. Okay.
Send me that picture quick because I'm about to take a shower. I want to see you.
Okay. All right.
Bye. Bye.
Bye. Look at this one.
You know. He's the best.
I love that dude. That's Kyle Dunn again.
No. No? That's a guy right there.
Oh. It's a few.
This is a message from sponsor Intuit TurboTax. Taxes was getting frustrated by your forms.
Now, Taxes is uploading your forms with a snap and a TurboTax expert will do your taxes for you. One who's backed by the latest tech, which cross-checks millions of data points for absolute accuracy, all of which makes it easy for you to get the most money back guaranteed.
Get an expert now at TurboTax.com. Only available with

TurboTax live full service. See guaranteed details at TurboTax.com slash guarantees.

I saw a movie last night called, let me see if I got the right word. I love Italian crime stuff.

Tutto bene. Do you like zero, zero, zero? Zero, zero, zero.
Si, si. I saw a movie like The Vigil.

I'm going to go ahead word for it. I love Italian crime stuff.
Tutto bene. Do you like zero, zero, zero?

Zero, zero, zero.

Si, si.

I saw a movie like The Vigil.

Oh, yeah.

You saw it?

Yeah.

What is it about?

The guy who prays to the candles.

It's the horror movie where he's got the candles, the horror movie.

There are candles, right?

It is a horror movie.

Yes. Right, but what else? It's the guy who prays to the candles, the devil that lives in the candles.
You almost had it? I was close. You almost fucking had it, but you've never seen it? No.
Okay. But was I close? Pretty close.
I guess there's a ritual in old... In old Napoli? No, I don't know.
In the old Napoli, that's amore. No, there's a ritual where...
When the moon hits the guy. A Jewish ritual, right? But it's like...
What do you got? Hasidic? Hasidic? Hasidic. Yeah.
Old Hasidic ritual where when somebody dies, right, their body's in a house, and then you have somebody that looks after the body

for like 12 hours or whatever

to protect it from spirits or whatever.

Right.

So this dude needs money, right?

He needs 500 bucks,

and he's just like,

I got a...

And some guy offers him this job

in this creepy house

with this old Jewish dead man there

and his wife upstairs.

It's fucking scary as fuck, bro. Does theish dead man at some point come back to life something like that but the thing is is that it's like the whole time i'm you're just like leave just get out yeah in the beginning there was so many chances where he could just leave yeah at one point you realize that he can't leave because now the curse is on him now he's he's sucked in he's sucked in but yeah pretty good i want to suggest that to people the dead body pops up and goes oh this casket's so uncomfortable he's like oh let's create let's create a horror movie right now okay what are you afraid of what am i the most afraid of yeah that's i think we should play on our fears right yeah first of all what we you and I are both, if we were going to write a horror movie, figure out what our fears are, right? And then we'll just try to wrap a movie around it.
Okay, middle of nowhere stuff creeps me the fuck out. I'm always down for middle of nowhere films.
I'm always like, ooh, it's so sketchy. Okay, middle of nowhere.
Like in the woods. But in the mountains in the woods.
In the mountains in the woods. Even more dangerous, right? Where you can lose power, it can be cold.
Yeah. Mine has to do with the ocean.
Okay, so on a mountain over the ocean. We got there.
We're just being in the middle of the ocean. Oh, okay, we're going to put it on a boat then.
No, we'll do both. No, no, but listen.
Middle of nowhere is the middle of the ocean to me. Okay.
One and the same. Right.
How about one where it's on an island?

But is that-

Islands are wonderful.

What a great place to be haunted.

Okay.

A haunted island.

A haunted island.

Right.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Here's another thing that I'm afraid of.

Being buried alive.

Everyone.

Everyone.

That's everyone's fear.

That's everyone's fear.

What is it?

Kids?

I've got it.

You and I wake up.

You and I-

Okay.

You.

Okay.

Starts on you.

Right.

Sand is in your mouth. You climb out.
Yeah, okay. You starts on you.
Right. Sand is in your mouth.
You climb out. You were buried alive.
Right? All right. So what you're saying is that I'm a guy, right? How about this? Let me just create my character.
I'm a guy, right? And I work at like a liquor store in New York. Correct.
Okay. In Harlem.
So yeah, I'm logging out. I'm closing the store.
It's not a 24-hour place, right? Right. So I'm locking everything up, right? And it just shows me like just walking with my backpack to my little squalor house.
I have a really, I live in the basement somewhere. In Chinatown.
What? You live in Chinatown. Why does it, okay, anyway, I'm Chinese.
It just feels right. I'm Chinese.
For this movie, you're Chinese. Yeah, okay.
I'll be Chinese for this. I'll be black in the movie.
We'll rewrite it. We'll rewrite it.
We'll rewrite it. You live in the basement of a Chinese food store.
And it just shows me a little montage of me cooking some ramen, putting some ramen in it. Rat runs by.
Rat runs by. I'm in a really rickety table sitting there.
I'm slurping on the ramen. I'm watching something on TV, the news or something, right?

Rabbit or TV.

Right.

There's a cut scene where I'm just kind of reading a book on a mat.

That's where I sleep.

On the floor?

Yeah.

Oh, sad.

This guy is so sad.

So sad, right?

And then I plug in my iPhone, whatever.

I have a phone, right?

Samsung.

Samsung.

Okay.

It's got to be Samsung. All right, Samsung.
I plug in my Samsungsung chinatown right right right yeah um does it matter what kind of tv i'm looking at or a toshiba yeah yeah um a tube tv no less like an old tube not a flat screen so i assume thinking, I'm wearing a kimono. 100%.
What else would you be wearing at your house? So just, all right. Out in public, you have street clothes.
All right. Kimono, I have a sword.
A sword. And your hair is in a bun.
Must be. And what's in it? What's holding your hair up? A chopsticks.
Chopsticks, that's correct. Oh, you racist fuck.
All right. Come on, come on.
Let's get back to where we want to be. All right, so I'm...
For some reason, for some reason, for some reason, I'm wearing regular clothes. You're wearing regular clothes at the liquor store.
But when I get home, there's got to even montage where I put the... Come on, go on.
I put the chopsticks on my hair. People will love it.
People will love it. I have a Samsung, Toshiba.
Samsung phone with Toshiba TV. TV, right? Right.
Oh, shit, right? Okay, so you're slurping your nose. Right, right.
Then you lay on your mat. I lay on my bamboo mat.
Your bamboo mat. Bamboo mat, right? Yeah.
Right, and then I wake up on an island. You wake up crawling of sand crawling out of sand naked, butt naked I still have the chopsticks in my hair because we need to have you have materials to use for some reason I still have the bun with the chopstick in my hair I come out right completely naked and it's the brutal day of the sun it's bright bright and all of a sudden you your character digs out right and you're wearing like a green suit like a leprechaun like a leprechaun like a leprechaun and where my penis is is a little pot of gold a little tiny pot of gold going spilling over so you're wearing a leprechaun costume.
I work in finance. I wear suits, but I went to bed.
I wake up. When you go to bed, when you go home, you drink Irish whiskey.
Correct. Right? Right.
You wear the green leprechaun. I wear it and I do a jig.
Right. And I jig myself to sleep.
All right. How about this? Look.
Okay. Okay.
All of the bullshit aside, we both wake up on the island no we're both are we keeping that stuff in or no that's just a joke it's a joke it's a joke but it could be fun okay we're both butt naked we wake up on the island wake up on the island and you and i are ready to fight because we don't know how this happened did you do this to me no of course that's not gonna we're both coming out of holes where i'm not gonna go but i did you did you put me in this hole me, and then put yourself in a hole and bury yourself? Yes, yes, yes. No.
That's the logic. That's not the logic.
When we both come out, we're just going to be like we were both buried. What happened? We're trying to explain what happened.
So what's going on? That could be a twist at the end where it turns out that you did do it all. We'll leave it for later.
Oh, yeah, yeah. Correct.
So we jump out of the hole. Yeah, we jump out of the hole.

We're freaked out.

We're panicked.

Of course we are.

We have no idea what's going on.

Where are we?

Oh, you always say something like, who are you?

Who are you?

Yeah, you're right.

That's the dialogue.

Who are you?

Who are you?

You're right.

And we kind of calm down.

We try to calm down.

I go, all right, so my name is Yoshi.

Am I Yoshi?

Yoshi.

Yoshi, right?

And I'm?

Yeah.

Lucky. Lucky.

Lucky.

I'm not Yoshi.

I'm lucky.

Yeah, yeah.

Do we have to have accents?

For this, we should.

I'm a Yoshi.

How funny would it be if I had the Asian accent, you had the Irish accent?

No.

Don't make me.

I know, I know.

Don't make me. I'm lucky.
I'm Yoshi. I'm Lucky, Yoshi.
What are we doing here? I wouldn't even get to the first fucking scene. Right? So Yoshi and Lucky.
So now they bonded together. Let's be real.
Let's be real about it.

All jokes aside.

We're back.

We're back.

We're back.

So is there a third?

Well, here's the thing.

Yeah, yeah.

So washing up ashore is a woman badly hurt, bleeding, right?

And it washed up ashore.

It's rude.

Okay?

No, let's cut that.

Cut.

Rewind it.

It's gone.

Let's cut that out.

Okay, so in this island, it's not a big island.

Very small.

It's maybe, what, a half a mile around?

Thank you. okay no let's cut that cut there's rewind it it's gone cut that out okay so in this island it's not a big island very small it's maybe what a half a mile around not even quarter mile around quarter mile very small but there is in the middle of the island is dense dance there's trees and one thick very thick but there is a path right right you and i you go it's so hot out here we have to get i'm gonna we covered I'm gonna get sunburn Yeah you're almost In flames I'm done Right And I go Alright so let's I found a trail We go on the trail In the middle of this island Yeah You see like a little tiny Like a hill Like a stony Kind of a hill Yes I see it But in the middle of it Right Is a statue Of her But it's And it's been there And it's been there For a long time 10,000 years 10,000.
And it's been there for a long time. 10,000 years.
10,000 years. And it's old.
It's not even just old. It's her statue like this, right? Her eyes are black.
Black. Right? And there's red blood tears.
Right there. Right.
Blood tears, right? And obviously she has knives. Two knives like this.
Two knives like this. And she's staring.
But by the way. Yeah, she's like this, right?

Right.

Blood like this and just sitting like that.

And staring off straight through the distance. There's like a little message underneath.

What does it say?

I can't read it.

I don't know.

What does it say?

It says, those that sleep will die first.

Right.

Something like that.

Those that sleep will die first.

Well, okay.

I can't go to the show. Those that sleep will die first.
Right. Something like that.

Those that sleep will die first.

Well, okay.

I can't go to bed.

We can't.

The whole goal of this horror movie is you and I can't sleep.

We can't sleep.

We can't keep each other up.

Keep each other awake.

Yeah, yeah.

And you know what happens when you don't get sleep?

What?

You have delusion.

Delusion. You hallucinate.

Right.

Right?

You also get horny. You're super horny.
Because you start getting delusional, right? Yes. You start getting real horny.
There is a sex scene. There has to be a sex scene.
Right, so... I wake up with your dick in my mouth.
I'm just trying to keep you awake. I don um.
I don't want you to die. All right, so here we go.
Let's go back. By the way, by the way, what a good device.
We can't go to bed. We realize.
And so, first of all, we read it. Those that sleep will die first.
I go, this is bullshit. You know, stupid, right? Yeah.
Can't be true. But the first night, we both are like, fuck, what if it's true? Yeah.
So we decided- Or maybe that the sleep, could it be more of a thing that's like, you know, at nightfall, right? Don't be on the ground. Don't be on the ground.
Yeah. But we would just build a canopy and then that would be good.
Right. So you and I are always- So check that out.
Yeah. You and I build a canopy.
Yes. Right? Amongst the trees.
Yeah. Like a platform, right? And then we're laying down trying to go to sleep.
But then we hear things below us. No, just like.
Oh. Right? A creature and different things.
That's like an old guy. Yeah, whatever.
An old man down there. Yeah, yeah.
Right? And we're just, we're naked. We're naked, right? Of course.
You don't have the green suit. That was gone.
Yeah, no. We woke up naked.
We woke up butt naked. Butt naked.
So you and I are completely naked, I imagine, right? On these platforms we built, right? Maybe we're, I say, it's not high enough. Oh, we'll have to build it higher in the morning.
Don't talk loud because I hear you. Right, something like that.
That's something like that. I can't hear you.
Something like that, right? I like that. But then we hear her too.
What's her noise? You make a noise. Oh my God, fuck.
And you know what? We can't tell where it's coming from. Fuck.
Because I'm like, it's coming from over there. And you're like, it's coming from over there.
Fuck, dude. It's surround sound.
Do it again. Oh, fuck, dude.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is it? Do we suck each other's dick then? Yes.
First night. First night.
The film critics are are like it was a brilliant idea

they kept blowing each other

the whole movie

I forget the subject

so we wake up the next day

Pete's writing down

they start blowing

they blow each other

to make it go away

this is the only way

to make the sound stop

oh god

okay

alright so here's the deal Thank you. each other to make it go away.
This is the only way to make the sound stop.

Oh, God.

Okay.

All right.

So here's the deal.

I do like the device that we're not supposed to sleep, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

So you don't like the platform thing?

No, I do.

But like we can make it say like those that sleep first, die first. Those that touch ground.

Make it like a bunch of rules.

Oh, it's a don't sleep.

Okay.

And then the touch ground. They who sleep first, dies first.
They who touch ground make it like a bunch of rules oh it's a don't sleep okay and then the touch ground they who they who sleep first dies first they who touch ground at night fall uh those on ground will die like uh and the last one has to be um one rule has to be uh uh um not only so you can't sleep you have to be above ground at nightfall you can't make noise during the day during all day no at night at night so this is all nighttime stuff correct okay good right so it's like imagine now not a completely naked yeah up above ground cannot say a word like this and we hear all these crazy noises yeah and we just have to look at each other yeah yeah yeah and then at some part maybe your leg is hurt yeah right right because i cover your mouth You know how they do that So you don't make Yeah like something fell from a tree Yeah yeah yeah Cut my leg open A spiky coconut A spiky coconut Yeah a spiky coconut Fell from the tree right Hit your leg right It's blood squirted Like an artery right I take like a strip of leaves Or something I try to make a tourniquet Right But I cover your mouth and the whole time I'm like yeah yeah yeah and then I bite your fingers because it hurts so much and then you go to yell and then I cover your mouth you cover my mouth right so we're I'm covering your mouth and then I'm covering you're covering my mouth I'm covering your mouth I'm spraying blood because you bit me right right and then your leg spiky coconut right and just... Right.
And that's all night long. All night long.
But then once the dawn helps, we're excited. And then as soon as we see the sunlight, we go...
Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, fuck! Oh! I can't do this. I'm tired.
I can't do this. I'm tired.
Yeah. This is good.
This is really good. Really good.
So... By the way, just as a side note, what would be funny is if you were pinching your butt

because you had to let out a fart.

You know?

It's not a comedy, though.

Sorry, you're right.

Go on.

It's a too broad comedy thing.

But very funny.

Very funny.

We'll put that in it.

Yeah, maybe that's it.

Yeah.

Maybe third night we do that.

We'll get it as scripted.

We'll do one for us.

We'll do a couple alts.

Yeah, because we have to eat.

Okay, so here's the next day. So we made it through night one.
Our first conversation after night one should be this. We got to get water.
We have to get food and water. That's the most important.
Yeah, because we already built a shelter. And we got to get the fuck out of here.
I think getting the fuck out of here is number one. Well, we have to see where we are.
Food and water, right? Food and water, yeah. But if that's island-

You build a help sign out of rocks, right?

And you said, you have to write help in the sand

in case if a plane flies over.

Okay.

That's what everybody does.

Okay, all right.

Yes.

Why do I have to do the hard shit?

It's stones.

It just feels like I have to pick up rock

and then make a help and then make a big.

I'll do it.

You know, that's going to take all day.

I haven't eaten or drank in one. What the fuck? Why do I get that job? This is the conversation on the island.
Yeah, yeah, yeah a big? I'll do it. You know, that's going to take all day.
I haven't eaten or drank in wine.

What the fuck? Why do I get that job? This is the conversation

on the island. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, I'll do it. Yeah, yeah.

Alright, what do I do? You have to find us food.

Okay.

Now, do you want to write help in rocks?

I'll find us food. Yeah, okay.

Because I'd rather go, like, I think I'm better

at maybe going in the ocean

with a spear. Sure.

And I'd find fish. You fashioned a spear

but you get out there and guess what? What?

No fish. Just sharks.

Let's go. maybe going in the ocean with a spear.
Sure. And I'd find fish.
You fashioned a spear, but you get out there and guess what? What? No fish. Just sharks.
Sharks. We are on an island surrounded by- Great whites.
No. What are the most dangerous ones? Not great whites.
The Megalodon. The Megalodon sharks.
The Megalodon sharks. Yeah.
That's where they come from. That island.
The island's called Megalodon. Oh.
Megalodon Island. And on the other side of the island right is where they birth so that's where all their eggs are right that's where i go that's where you go to get food you get eggs you think we can eat a megalodon yeah megalodon egg right yeah that's our plan that's our plan so i come back right you're you you haven't even made h yet no it's like eight hours in and you're just one line of the h i'm I'm into it.
And I'm like, we have that argument like, that's all you got is half an H? There's not that many stones! There's not that many stones on the island! And then you're gonna go, where's the food? I'm sorry, but it's not my fault that we're on Megalodon Island and there's fucking 52,000 Megalodons in the ocean. They'll fucking eat me! You take me over there.
Then I say, but check it out, man.

I was watching them go around the island, right?

I know where their eggs are, brother.

Perfect.

Omelets.

Megalodon omelets.

Have you ever had one?

No, but I can't wait to.

But let me ask you something.

Megalodon would have like, they wouldn't have eggs.

No, no. It's kind of like caviar, big.
We have to make a creature that – we have to have a creature that makes eggs because sharks don't have eggs. They just come out as little sharks.
So whatever we make in the ocean, it has to make eggs. There is no fucking creature in the ocean that makes eggs.
We make it up. Yeah, but then we have to explain the science behind it.
The whole thing isn't real. No, we don't.
How do we get on the island? Who cares?

We're making it up.

Let me ask you something.

Do turtles make eggs?

Yes.

That's what we have.

Turtles.

Gigantic.

Killer turtles.

Killer turtles.

Killer turtles.

That's what it is.

La lavanda ha vuelto a Starbucks.

Pon un toque de primavera en tu taza con el ice lavender matcha.

Que lo disfrutes.

Tus ice lavender lattes. Let it be.
Your ice lavender latte is ready at Starbucks. That's right.
What is, okay. I'm in the, you're making the H, right? I'm on the water.
I'm in the water, right? Yeah. Imagine the scene, I'm in the water, and you see a turtle come toward me, right? And you think it's cute.
And my face is like this Turtle. Yeah, because I love turtles, right? Who doesn't love a turtle? I love them.
And you know how you're, right? And then you see the turtle, it opens its mouth and it has like. Just rows of teeth.
It hits. So I swim.
And I. Right? Right? And I'm swimming back onto the hill, right? I get on the the back on the beach right right and i realize there's like 50 000 of them in the water swarming around now and i and i'm running towards you what happened that's how i would do it right what happened oh you can't believe it I can't believe what I

what what's out there

dude fuck

I was mad

I was trying to fight

fish for us

yeah

I was a fucking turtle dude

turtles you're scared of turtles

you're not normal

you go out there

I will

alright right

you go out there

you go out there right

and I get

bitten by a turtle

you get bit by one

yes

right

so now they've tasted our blood

our blood

so now they're ready

now you're

and also now you

fucking believe me

now I do believe you

of course

but then I go

hey I was watching

Thank you. by a turtle.
You get built by one. Yes.
Right. So now they've tasted our blood.
Our blood. So now they're ready.
And also now you fucking believe me.

Now I do believe you, of course.

But then I go,

hey, I was watching some National Geographic.

Yes.

In my little squalor place

in Chinatown

when I wear my kimono.

Your kimono Chinatown apartment.

And my television.

On Toshiba?

On Toshiba.

On television, right?

I was watching this National Geographic

about turtles, right? Obviously it was, you know, in Chinese. You know what I mean? Correct.
So that's subtitled, right? Right. Yeah.
And so they lay eggs on the beach, bro. What? We have to find where they lay eggs? Yeah.
So I don't know if you can make omelets out of their eggs. We're going to try.
But we're going to give it a go. So we hunt.
So we look around. We dig.

Dig.

And we find some.

We find their eggs.

We find a couple.

But.

There's no frying pan.

There's no frying pan.

How the fuck are we going to make this shit?

Right.

We don't have fire either.

Tonight.

Today we make fire.

We grab the eggs.

Okay.

No.

I do what Rocky did.

What?

You just eat it raw?

Yeah.

Yeah. No.

You put a hole on top. There's a scene like like that There's a scene where I crack it right? And I drink it And I drink it But then what comes out Is like um Blood? Like black ooze blood It's black This is not no normal No when you open up It's like um It's like uh Like asphalt Like when asphalt's liquidized You know and it's like Like super thick It's like balut.
It's balut. It's balut.
It's balut. It's turtle balut.
Turtle balut. Right? I open it up, and there's an eye.
And you... Yeah.
Right? We're like, oh, we can't eat these! It's alive. Yeah, we can't eat these.
Right? So then... Now the sun's...
Right? Sun's going down. We still have no food.
No food. Nothing.
This is the first day, right? Right. And we get in a little fight like...
You fucking don't need to have an age! Right. So then now the sun's, right? Sun's going down.
We still have no food. No food, nothing.
This is the first day, right? Right. And we get in a little fight like, you forgot what you did, half the age, right? Half of the age.
Right. Right.
And then we got to get back on the thing, right? Right. We climb back up and then another night of.
But what happens that night? Tropical. A thunderstorm.
What? Where a tsunami is coming.

A tsunami is coming.

We can feel

the winds pick up.

So we can't talk,

though.

We can't even explain

what's going on.

So we're just kind of like...

And guess what?

When we get back to work...

We communicate with our eyes.

Right?

So we're like laying there

naked, right?

Now it's become the room.

And you're looking at me

with that.

What are you seeing

with your eyes? Which is what? I'm horny. Suck my dick.
Suck my dick. That's every night scene.
Yeah. What if this? What if I read your eyes? What if I read that your eyes were saying I'm horny, but I'm reading it wrong, and I just start sucking your dick? I said I'm hungry.
Yeah, and the next day. You're like, why'd you suck my dick? I thought you said you were horny.
But I can't say anything when you're doing it. I'm just like...
This movie... All right, this movie's diverted.
Diverting. Diverting, right.
But here's the deal. Here's the deal.
Yeah. If someone in our fan group has a good ending to this, because we've laid out a lot of tracks here.
Yeah. This is good tracks, don't you think? Pretty good tracks.
Yeah. Someone has to help us finish this movie, because I think right now- No, no.
We're going to end it. We're close.
We're going to end it, because what we do- No, let's do one more day. Okay.
We go one more day. Three days.
We go three days. All right.
next day, we're like, okay, we have no water. Okay, we're starving.
We have no food, right? Thirsty. Here's the deal, dude.
We're delusional. Let's be real.
Yeah, no sleep. There's got to be something about the statue.
So we go back to the statue. We have to go back to the statue, and there's got to be a fucking something there that's going to give us a clue how to get the fuck out of here.
Right. Right? On the other side of the statue is Braille.
And I said, my mom was blind. I can read Braille.
Right? Right. So I read the Braille and it says a limerick along the lines of, we need to get beneath the island to save our own lives.
So we start digging. Right? Wow.
We need to get beneath the island to save our- Right. Or maybe not that.
Maybe not that. Can I finish the joke? Okay, go on.
And we dig all the way to China. Go ahead.
Yeah. Go ahead.
What does it say? And then that's why i have the chopsticks still in my hair dig all the way with the chopsticks that's why i have it that's it no seriously yeah yeah what does it say on the back of there what does the statue have to do we have to do something with the statue yeah something the statue uh maybe the statues um are we doing like a sword in the stone no like maybe i you can turn it. Oh, you lean against it frustrated.
Oh, like, yeah, like, right? And it kind of turns. Very Indiana Jones of us.
Yeah, let's not do that. Let's just go.
It's circular on a little fucking platform. How about this? You get mad at it.
You get mad and you pick up a coconut. A spiky one.
And you throw a spiky coconut. Yeah, yeah.
And boom. And then her arm.
And you're like, what the fuck? What the fuck? And then it, maybe there's like a little cliff on the left. Right.
And it opens up a door. Oh.
Right? Yeah. And then there's like stairs that lead down.
Yes, we go in. We have to.
We have to. We go in.
And it's a big looping spiral. You know what it is? Huh? It takes 12 hours.
It's like 12 miles. To the center of the earth.
Not to the center. No, we're not going to China.
I want to go to China. No, we're not going to China.
We're going to try another movie. Okay, fine.
That's right. We go to China.
We walk all the way down. Yeah.
We finally get to the bottom. And what's there? Jules.
Jules is there. What does this scene look like to you? No shit.
Sleeping, but with a lot of dead bodies. Oh, wow.
How many? A thousand. There's a thousand.
Imagine. A lot of extra.
A thousand. That's a lot.
Can we just do a hundred? Can we do a hundred? Because it's just easier for the low budget. It's a low budget thing.
Or we could use 10 and CGI. CGI the rest.
Right, the rest. And just double.
We'll figure out which one's cheaper. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's just say a hundred. Let's say a hundred for now.
Yeah, yeah. So you're sleeping and you're surrounded by 100 dead bodies, right? Do we wake you up? Yeah.
Yeah, okay. And what do you say to us? No, no, no.
No, no. What? She's sleeping on a slab, like a slab, a concrete slab.
No, no, no. She's sleeping on bodies.
Okay, she's sleeping on the- On the bodies. How do we not know? How do we know who's who then? What do you mean? Oh, it goes to the top and she's just on top? Yes.
Like she's like a cherry on top of a sundae? King of the hill, yeah. Alright, so she's on top of this gigantic sundae body.
But she looks remarkably comfortable. Yeah.
Or maybe she's not even slaying. She's sitting Indian style.
And she's like the statue. She's got the knives.
Oh my god. She's like the statue.
She's like the statue. She has blood in her eyes.
Right Right And she's just sitting there like this Right And slowly her eyes open No What we do is No No we go No Cause that's not I know I know You and I go We go We have to figure out What I would say maybe We would whisper first of all We gotta figure out What all these people did wrong What did they do wrong And how do we not do that Yeah you know what I mean Right There's something that they did Well we can't ask them Because they're all fucking dead They're dead I understand that We have to figure out What there's clues Okay Right Alright So we look and we go Maybe You know what we see Yeah We look at At the walls Around in this thing Right Right Staircase But there, right? Of course. And we see fingernails, people trying to climb up this thing.
Uh-huh. Right? Right.
They would have used the stairs. Stairs, yeah.
They would have used the stairs. When we get to the bottom, the stairs go away.
Disappear. They go away.
There we go. Now we can go.
The stairs are gone. There we go.
Thank you so much for helping me with that device. So the stairs are gone.
Yeah. They've just removed themselves.

So we can't even fucking – because we would run out anyway.

Like as soon as we saw her up there, we would go back up.

We would run up the stairs 12 miles.

We cannot.

Yeah, yeah.

It's gone.

So now we see fingernails.

People trying to – these dudes – imagine.

Dudes have been doing this for thousands of years.

By the way, it's all dudes.

It's all guys.

No, half of them are fat Asian guys. Yes, and half of them are red-headed guys.
Right? Yeah. So there's got to be something there too.
That's the pattern. Right.
And then what happens? Do you have something in your brain? What do you do? What do you want from us? I want her to wake up. I want her eyes to slowly open.
Her eyes open. She must

say something. Right.
Yeah.

You've made it this far. You've made it this far.

You say that. Say that.

You've made it this far.

Yeah. In order for

you to survive.

In order for you to survive.

Fuck.

Right. Fuck.

And then you're going to say

you must solve this riddle.

You must solve

Thank you. Fuck Right Fuck And then you're gonna say You must solve this riddle You must solve this riddle Yes Okay give us a riddle Give us a riddle Give us a riddle If I If I Had Ten Bunnies If I had ten Ten what? Bunnies If I had 10 bunnies.

If I had 10 bunnies.

Bunnies.

If I had 10 bunnies.

If you had 10 bunnies.

I think you said Ted Bundy.

Yeah, just 10 bunnies. If I had 10 bunnies.

Finish it.

And Andrew took nine.

She knows my name.

Yeah, she knows your name. Yeah name yeah yeah I would go one you're dead right away I did oh that's not okay so if I you're ten bunnies Andrew took nine give me the finish it how many does Bobby have one that's not it wrong no no because I took nine.
You have none. Zero! I'd be dead.
You'd be dead. No, how about this? You say, I had nine bunnies.
Andrew took nine, right? I took one. You say, I took one, right? Can I wrap this up a better way? Go ahead.
She says, only one gets to leave. You must fight each other to the death.
But we've bonded. We've sucked each other's dicks.
Three nights in a row. Back to back to back.
Without even saying anything. We just kind of looked at each other.
You know what I mean? Through our own. So we don't know if we really want to kill each other.
Can we do this? Right. Right? And then you know what I would do? We start sucking each other's dicks.
No, but when we find out when we actually have to, because these two swords drop. Right.
The two swords she's holding. Yeah, the two swords.
They come out, right? No, she goes like this. Yeah.
And they land right at her feet. Right, right, right.
And once I realize, you know what I mean, I had to fight you to the death, right? I'll probably do one like fun glance at your penis. I go like this.
I go. And then, hey, and then we cut into my penis.
We cut into my penis and cut up and then you go, wink. Yeah.
Then we know. Yeah.
Check this out. We grab the swords and we're both like, I'm sorry.
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Here's a twist. Yeah.
The twist is this. Yeah.
We both look like we're going to attack each other. Right.
But we somehow know to attack her oh you mean no no we start fighting people are watching no we start fighting yeah we start fighting okay we start fighting as we're fighting in the middle of it yeah i'm giving you the eyes with the eye communication that we have yeah but i don't know if your eyes are saying suck my dick or attack fucking her i know you learn we learn so we're fighting we, and as we're fighting, I'm giving you the eyes towards her.

Oh, right, right, right. Right?

And so, are you sure of that or that?

And I go like this.

And as we're fighting with the swords, check it out.

And I go like this. I go, one,

two,

we let go of our swords, and

it crosses through her.

And she goes,

what do you say? You bitches You bitches She calls them bitches She disintegrates into sand And all thousand of the bodies they come alive Come alive A bunch of luckies and yoshis Yeah A bunch of guys What happened? How did I get here? What is going on What happened? How did I get here? What is going on around here? What happened?

How did I get here?

What's going on?

What's happening to me?

I don't know.

I was watching my Toshiba TV out of nowhere.

You know what I mean?

And then.

But we're still super down.

Let's check it out.

Yeah.

That's the horror part of it.

We're trapped?

Yeah.

The stairs are gone.

Right.

She's gone.

Yeah.

But there's no way up.

We have to get on each other's shoulders. No, you know what would happen.
If there's how many? If there's fucking 500 redheaded Andrews. And 500.
Right. We are all going to suck.
Shooter's dick. That's the finale.
It's an orgy. The finale is an orgy.
It's like an orgy. Right.
And a disco ball comes down. It's great.
I've got two red dicks, right? I have another Yoshi stuck in my dick, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It becomes a gay nightclub.
It's a gay nightclub. Right.
Right. That's good.
I like it. It's a good movie.
Write it, write it. Dear Paramount Plus, fund us.
What's the movie called? Sucking dick I don't know What was it called? Turtle I like turtles I like turtles What could be a good play on A gay nightclub bar scene Name with turtles involved On an island I don't want I don't want to give anything away in the turtle. We won't.
It'll just be like a nod.

Right. You know?

Like, okay, you know, in gay

turtles... Suck the turtle.
No, that

sounds pretty on the nose. Turtle suck?

You know, in the gay community... Like, you know,

sucker pot. In the gay community, there's a bottom, you know, like a top

and a bottom. Oh, yeah.
So it's called the

bottom... Turtle.
Bottom of Turtle Bay? The bottom of Turtle Island. The bottom of Turtle Island.
Yeah. The bottoms of Turtle Island.
The bottoms of Turtle Island. That's what it's called.
The bottoms. The bottoms of Turtle Island.
See, that's great. And it's got so many double entendres because it means the bottom of the gay community.
It also means the bottom of the bottom when we go down. Right.
The bottom of Turtle Island Island. I want people listening to this right now.
You got to make movie posters. Have to make a bottom of the Turtle Island.
And maybe, you know, maybe animate some of it. I would love that.
I would love it. It's a good movie.
Look at what Pete actually wrote this. There's a mass dick sucking.
Oh my God. He wrote like six pages of this.
That's amazing. I felt like we talked more than that.
He took good notes. Okay, good.
We rambled pretty heavily. Yeah, yeah.
We have it recorded. So Pete, go back into our transcript and just, you know what I mean? Andres, you want your directing debut with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee? You got it, kiddo.
I think this is the best movie I've heard. The best pitch.
This is a really good pitch. Imagine if we made it.
I mean, I know it's dumb. Imagine if we made this movie.
But why couldn't we make something so dumb? I mean, this is so dumb. I would love to try.
How much fun would we have making this movie? Yeah, I mean, I would do the whole thing. Put the chopsticks in my head.
You know how many bad reviews we would get? But they would... What? Every review will be bad.
It would get 0% of Rotten Tomatoes. Right.
And then it would be a cult classic. And then they'd be playing us at movie theaters all over the country.
People want to see. But here's the thing.
People know that we made it up on a podcast on the spot. Yeah, so it's great.
And the absurdity of us actually making it could be the thing. I would love to make this movie.
Wow. We could just go do it at Catalina Island, by the way.
We could go shoot it. The Bottoms of Turtle Island.
The Bottoms of Turtle Island. The Bottoms of Turtle Island.
I really love that. The Bottoms of Turtle Island.
Yeah, I like that. You guys are in? Andres, do you like that? Absolutely.
Would you direct it, Andres? Yeah. The one thing I'm worried about is her fees and all that stuff.
Like, you know she's going to want the biggest trailer. She's going to complain about crafty.
Oh my God. She's going to be like the worst.
I want a double. I want a double trailer.
Double wide trailer. The one that Will Smith has with the bed.
I want two of those. Two of those.
I want one for day shoots, one for night shoots. Yeah.
And I'm not, you know, you know that when you make the statue, you're not going to do, what did they call it? A cast of my body? No. No.
No. I'm going to get a double for that because I'm going to get a double for me.
I'm not doing that. for me i'm not doing that yeah and then your demands are so heavy dude i don't even know if we can we'll have to just we'll have to like get someone that you know i don't know could do no i can sleep on the island oh i don't need a trailer you don't you yeah she's from an island oh right that's your use just go in the tree did anything like this happen in the Philippines? A bit.
Yeah. I think some of this stuff might have happened, right? Yeah.
Lucky gives Yoshi. I got to tell you, I hope this movie does kind of come together in some degree.
I haven't laughed so hard in so long. I mean, that was what a fun...
You know what's so fun about doing that? I see it in my head. I see the island.
I see the movie. I see the island.
I see it. I see the grim.
I don't know why we're picked. Why redheads? I would say we have to have a twist that shows why we were chosen.
Not because it's redheads. No.
By the way, those guys down there, it's just us. It's like other – I got it right here.
It's often – I got it right here. Okay.
We put a shining – we put a shining moment in it where it's a little confusing and people don't know why. So basically what happens is, right, we're in there.
We kill the goddess, whatever, and we're all – Goddess? We're all downstairs. We're all like whatever she is, right? The demon, right? The demon, demon.
And we're all sucking each other's dick down in the bottom of this you know i mean yeah and then it cuts to right my liquor store the one i work at and right or my it cuts to my house my little squalor and the camera just kind of slowly moves through my house right right and it zooms in where the Toshiba television is. Right next to it is a frame of a photo.
And? Of you, me, and her, right? Just, you know what I mean? Playing in the, yeah, we're just playing in the park. In Cabo or something.
Cabo Park, right? Yeah. And it zooms in, right? Yeah.
And it's us that we knew each other And the audience thinks What the fuck Right What is that What is that And I want people to You know talk about it Let them make it up Right On the internet Maybe they'll do a documentary About that photo Right That photo Explaining right Yeah Something mysterious I like it Do you like that Can I give one more Go ahead Yeah something like that Can I give one more Yeah The liquor store Yeah, something like that. Can I give one more? Yeah.
The liquor store that you work in, you're a stock boy. Yeah.
Okay? So after the orgy party, whatever, right? We cut back to New York. We go back to the stock room.
Yeah. Right? The stock room.
The stock room. Where I work.
Where you work. Yeah.
And there's a little young Korean boy who's being taught by the owner to stock. Right.
You know? Another, like another one in the cycle. Right.
We gotta go back to my job. And the guy goes, you could see the guy goes, you want this job? He's like, yeah.
Mm-hmm. Your new name is Yoshi.
But that's not my name at all. My name is Mark.
No. I know, but but to work here your name is yoshi yoshi right

right he's like okay okay and it's the way it's the way it's got to tie together is

put this chopstick in your hair right he's like god this is really racist yeah yeah it's like trust me trust me yeah trust me light sugar fish I'm sorry.

That's very funny.

I know.

So go back to Nozawa.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

So wait. Time out.
It has to all tie in. It's an inside joke.
Wait. It has to all tie in.
It has to all tie in. So it's got to be either I work or like we have to open with my job being shitty too.
We didn't do that. We'll do that.
Okay. Cut back.
Cut back. In the beginning of the movie, right? We're writing right now.
We both work and live in dingy sad fucked up disgusting you work at like a you know uh a pub and but i'm in the basement i'm the stock boy i'm changing the kegs yeah all that stuff you have a shitty pub job and the pub is right next door right to the liquor store to liquor store you work at a liquor store or don't you work at a chinese food place i feel like you do no. No, liquor store.
Are you sure it's not a Chinese food place?

Liquor store.

Because, but I-

Liquor store.

When I see the pub,

right next door is a Chinese-

All right.

I work at a Chinese place.

All right.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Right?

Chinese restaurant.

And the landlord-

Yeah.

Of the buildings-

Yeah.

Right.

Is her.

Right, so this is what you do. Yeah.
This is what you do. Got it.
This is what you do. I can you do got it this is what you do forget now you can see it right yeah thank you for that right go ahead so after the orgy in the bottom of the thing right we cut to now right a camera moving into the chinese restaurant right right and it goes like there's a cashier and just a, right? Yes.
And it goes, and there's a photo of her on the thing. Right? On the wall.
On the wall. Like, she owns it.
Right. And it goes back into, right, the pub.
Right. And it zooms in on a photo.
But she has red hair now, but the same face. Same face, red hair.
Right, right. And she's the owner.
And she owns it, yeah. Rosie McCann.
Yeah, McCann, yes. Right.
Rosie right rosie mccann yeah and then we okay right so rosie mccann is the owner here this is what she's trying to tell us we're right next door to each other we've never met we literally cinematically how pretty you'd see the moral of the story hold on okay you'd see like look at how cinematically this would play andres yeah you you see us and you see everyone partying in the bar and you see everyone eating in the Chinese food restaurant and you zoom down, you know, like when you can like go down to

another floor, you know what I mean?

But it's the same scene and below in the floor, that's where you're working in a dingy thing

and you suck down there and everything is shitty and sad and I'm down and we're literally

one wall separating us.

I got something better.

I got something better.

And Rosie McCann owns mine.

What about this?

What about this?

What about this?

And Rosie Chan owns yours.

After the orgy in the bar, right?

Yeah.

It says five years ago that we in the bar. Tran.
Right? Yeah. It says five years ago.

Now we're going back.

Oh.

Right?

Okay.

We're going back.

And you and I, we're on a bus.

Like a Greyhound bus?

Yeah.

No, we were on like a bus, city bus.

Oh, okay.

City bus.

You're in one seat.

I'm in the other seat, right?

Mm-hmm.

And I'm reading, you know what I mean?

My book, you know what I mean? Dumplings or whatever it is, right? I don't make dumplings, right? And we have this look. You look at me, and I look at you in the bus.
Yeah. And we don't actually – we want – you know what I mean? Are we gay? I don't think so.
A lot of this stuff is us being gay. I don't think we are.

I don't know. I mean, we should

be at some point. I don't think we are.

But there was a moment, right, five years ago,

right, that we should have sucked

each other's face.

It never happened. It's a lesson or

something, you know what I mean? Right.

She just wanted us to meet.

That's all this was. That's all it was.

Are we ever going to explain how we ended up waking up on the island naked? No. Oh, wait.
The comedy version? Yeah. We cut to like in the end credits.
It's literally Rosie McKinnon comes downstairs and she's like, you know, you had to change the Guinness Cag and you didn't do it again. And I'm like, sorry, Rose.
And then she hits me on the head and I pass out. And then someone comes down to Yoshi.
Yeah.'t you know you haven't filled all the fortune copies yet no no no no it takes away from hits you on the head no no no it takes away from the like the scary aspects of it the mystery yeah I think because you have to remember we wake up on an island buried naked out of nowhere this is not like like in the beginning of the movie when we go to sleep right we both go to sleep right an hour later we're in the beginning of the movie, when we go to sleep, right?

We both go to sleep, right?

An hour later,

we're in the middle of the Pacific in some fucking island.

Right.

Right?

So it's that like mysterious.

Rosie McCann in mine

and Rosie Chan in yours.

Yes.

And it's the exact same girl.

It's her.

Same person, right.

Right, but a different colored hair,

different look.

Yeah.

This is good.

I like the movie.

It's still called

The Bottoms of Turtle Island, right? Are we going to end on the orgy? No, because we have the cutaway scene. Five years.
Either we can do two things. We either do the panning into the thing seeing Rosie's photo.
Right. Or we can do both.
We do that, right? We pan, pan, right? And then eight years ago, you and I were on a bus. Right.
Or maybe even younger.

Something fell out of your pocket and I picked it up for you and I handed it to you.

Right.

And you handed it to me and we kind of touched fingers.

Right.

But we touched fingers a little too long.

Right.

Right.

So I dropped something.

This is how long we did touch fingers, right?

You handed it to me and there's a little bit of this.

Just like three little things like this.

And I go and I kind of do a smile. And it's your stop do a little chuckle pull your hand away do a chuckle it's too much too big tone it down tone it down too obvious here here do it right now uh give me you dropped your um your your math how appropriate is this yeah yeah um oh your mask you dropped it Take that? Take mask.
Take it.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, your mask. You dropped it.

Take that?

Take mask.

Take it.

Okay, here we go.

Oh, you dropped it.

First of all, I don't want to work out the scenes.

We're writing it. Well, we're trying to work it out right now.

I know.

I'm writing it.

All right, give me the chuckle.

Okay.

Just give me the light chuckle.

That's perfect.

Okay, good.

So we do eight years then.

Yeah.

But I know this is not film school. Kid will hate this.
We cut right back to the orgy. We do.
No, because I'll tell you why you do. Because I think this is a franchise.
Oh, shit. We have to set up a sequel.
We do. We have to set up a sequel.
We do. Right.
Okay, so how do we do that? So what we do is something else has to happen, right? Just out of nowhere, right? So we do. Okay, so we go see the photos of her face on the restaurants.
Right. Eight years ago on the bus, right? We do the thing, right? Right? Yeah.
We cut back to the orgy, right? Yeah. And everyone's like, ah! We're sucking each other's digs, right? We're just partying.
All of a sudden, there's like a... Right? It shakes.
Everything shakes. Opens up above us.
Right? And then like... Eric Griffin...
Eric Griffin's got to be in it. Man, Bobby, what the fuck? What the fuck? You guys suck.
You just suck. No.
What happens? It opens up and we hear a voice. Yeah, yeah.
And it says, he who sucks hardest gets out first. Whatever.
Right. We think whoever's sucking the best.
Yeah, suck the hardest, right? And we all have to look at each other. And everyone's going, suck, suck, suck, suck, suck.
No, no, you wouldn't say suck, suck. If everyone's competing.
Because you can go like this. No, no, no.
If everyone's competing... If everyone's competing,

then get the fuck out.

There's one guy that needs to get it, right?

They're not going to encourage each other

to suck each other's dick.

But it could be like this.

It could be...

Suck.

No.

Suck.

Suck.

You wouldn't do that.

Suck.

You wouldn't do that.

This is what you'd see.

The guy saying, all right?

Whoever sucks the hardest, right?

Immediately, you'd go like this.

He's like...

Right?

And you would just...

Fucking focused. And during would just fucking focused.

And during all this chaos.

I'm getting sucked off, right?

And you're sucked off.

But this feels so good.

This feels so fucking good.

Wait.

Amidst all the chaos.

Amidst all the chaos.

Amidst all the chaos.

One guy, Bobby.

One guy.

Gets. Get extricated one guy right and he is gotta be that's the sequel that's the sequel and i don't know what happens to him right he's our guy one red and what one red and one yoshi gets to go up right because i i you're not gonna go up and then i'm not gonna i'm gonna be the sequel as well correct i know thank you all right all right so one for yourself one yoshi and up.
Get sucked up. You're not going to go up, and then I'm going to be in the sequel as well.
Correct. I know.
Thank you. All right.
Don't set up a sequel for yourself. One Yoshi and one Lucky gets sucked up.
We both get sucked up, right? Not the original guys. Right.
Just two other guys. Right.
Let's just open up with the second movie. Let's just open up with the second movie.
We both, right? And then the credits go. Right.
Two, right? We're up, right? Right? Credits, right?

The bottom is a turtle island.

Yeah, right.

Right, the music.

And then all the... And everyone in the theater is like,

oh, God, we're going to wait a year for the next one.

Guess what?

You don't.

You don't.

We released a second one a week later

because we filmed them back to back.

Like the Lord of the Rings.

Like the Lord of the Rings.

Right.

We had like a secondary team.

We filmed them back to back to back. We had a secondary team.
Yeah, yeah two movies wow fuck dude anyway oh god man I laughed so hard on that one of the most fun movies I think that will hit the theaters hopefully in 2022 yeah 2025 never bottoms of turtle too much S and the D stuff but that's okay too much I feel like way too much S and the D if the D. If I was a film critic, you know what I mean? I think the first thing is like, I think it was a little bit too much focused on the sexuality.
That being said, pretty good film. Pretty scary.
Pretty scary. Honestly, our fans, please, can you draw up some anime? Actually, if you're a good artist, can you draw some stuff for us so we can get...
We need to have a storyboard. To be able to pitch this...
We have a storyboard, right? We need some art concepts. We do need art concepts for this.
Concepts, yeah. So please send in that stuff.
But don't just submit just to write to go, I loved it. Don't do that, please.
Yeah, yeah. Submit real art to this.
Submit real storyboards. I thought it was very good for just coming up with it.
I loved it. On the spot.

I loved it.

I thought it was a great movie.

Yeah, yeah.

I thought it was a great movie, and I can't wait to make it with you.

We're a good writing team, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

We bounce well.

We bounce well.

And Pete, we're going to make an NFT over this script that Pete did and sell it on the

internet for $800 million.

Yeah.

I want to let Rudy take us out.

Thank you for being a bad friend, and then the noise into that camera. Go ahead, Rudy out Thank you for being a bad friend

And then the noise into that camera

Go ahead, Rudy

Thank you for being a bad friend

So scary Woo-hoo. Yeah.
Woo-hoo.

Yeah.

Woo-hoo.