Sleepwalking Through Trevor Noah's House

Speaker 1 I had that dream again. My small business needs to hire, but I don't use LinkedIn and I hire wrong.
So our orders get all backed up. We're drowning in paperwork than actually drowning.

Speaker 1 Carol is fighting off shirks with a stapler and pirates are pillaging me off his copier and

Speaker 1 then I wake up. Don't let hiring nightmares ruin your dreams.
LinkedIn Jobs' new AI assistant goes beyond the resume, using unique insights to deliver a smarter shortlist.

Speaker 1 Post your job for free at linkedin.com/slash quality.

Speaker 2 Start hiring today with LinkedIn.

Speaker 2 Merch! Merch! We got that merch, baby. Look at that.

Speaker 2 Listen, the other day I was walking around the house, and Jules was wearing, or Rudy was wearing this sweatshirt, and I saw the back, and it made put joy in my heart. There's joy in her heart.

Speaker 2 Rudy, put down those knives. This is an authentic Bad Friends sweatshirt.
That's right. And if you want to be cool.
Go to badfriendsmerch.com. Or if you're on YouTube, look down below.

Speaker 2 There's on the merch bar. You can click on one of those sweaters down below or whatever else we got there and buy yourself a Rudy hoodie.
Also, I'm going to be Salt Lake City,

Speaker 2 Dallas,

Speaker 2 Houston, Boston, Atlantic City,

Speaker 2 and then a bunch of other stuff. Go to AndrewSantino.com for dates.
AndrewSantino.com for dates. I'm on tour.
Yeah. And I'm going to be

Speaker 2 nowhere. You're not doing stand-up yet.
Yep. Come see me live, AndrewSantino.com.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends. Watermelon sugar, hi.

Speaker 2 Watermelon sugar. Hi.

Speaker 2 Guy, he loves fruit.

Speaker 2 Who is that?

Speaker 2 Harry Styles. He loves the fruit.
Well, is watermelon pussy?

Speaker 2 Is watermelon pussy? Yeah, because Kalana goes, maybe it has to do with genitals. Watermelon sugar, hi.
You know what I mean? Yeah, well, can you... But there's no sugar in vagina.
Yeah, there is.

Speaker 2 No, it's. The good ones are sweet.

Speaker 2 I know. I guess when, you know what? There was a picture of like a, when a mango is.
There's more salt, I think.

Speaker 2 In watermelon? No, in pussy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's so much more. Yeah, more salt blocks.
It's a salt block. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Salt block chocolate. It's like a sugar.
You know what it is?

Speaker 2 It's like one of those, you know how like Asians that they like to put salt on their apple? Have you ever had to try that? What?

Speaker 2 You never, yeah, because whenever a kalella makes like fruits, she puts salt on an apple. She doesn't make fruit, but she slices the fruit, right? She doesn't make it, right? And she's she'll

Speaker 2 sprinkle salt on it. I've never, do you do that? Yeah.
She, um,

Speaker 2 you know what she said to me? She goes, when I came home last week, she's like, wait, timeout. Before you get into that, in my life, I've never heard of it.
It's not just on a fruit. It's not apple.

Speaker 2 It's more mango and papaya. Okay, see, I get spite, like, tajin on fruit.
Makes sense, because it's spicy. What's tajin? You don't know tajin? What is tajin? Tajin is like the...

Speaker 2 Have you never gotten the fruit cart? The Mexican guy fruit cart on the corner? No, I don't. What's Tajin? I don't do fruit carts.
What?

Speaker 2 No, because one time I was in Hawaii and I was with my Sarah Highland when I was dating her. Rest in peace.
She's still alive. Oh, she is? Yeah.
Oh, shit. Rest in peace.
And

Speaker 2 we were at the Grand Wairlea Hotel. Love.
You've been there? Yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah.
And then back then, I don't think, because I just recently went there. They don't have it anymore.

Speaker 2 But back then, when you're out there, there were just some guys selling hot dogs. Just out on the street?

Speaker 2 No, at you're at the resort and you're sitting there you know how they sell like 20 ice cones yeah which is crazy yeah but i i'll take i buy i'll do i do yeah i do

Speaker 2 i'm hot but um i'm parched and so some of the dude was selling hot dogs there so i go i'll have a hot dog and i ate it

Speaker 2 and we we right after that we packed to go to the airport and we missed the flight because of the hot dog because i literally couldn't um yeah move yeah you know what i mean because it wasn't a hot dog.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? It wasn't a hot dog. What was it?

Speaker 2 No, what do you think? It's cat meat? No, I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know what they get out there. What do they have? Hawaii is America.
Hawaii's not America. It's the 50th one.
It's not.

Speaker 2 It is. It's a part of the Confederacy.
There's 42 states in the United States. The 50th.
42. Oh, the rest of them are like liars.
Like Puerto Rico,

Speaker 2 the Puerto Rico, no. Whenever I say Puerto Rico, you're not an American.
You're not a Puerto Rican. They try to say, oh, no, no, we're a part of the.
No, you're not. No, you're not.

Speaker 2 And Texas doesn't want to be in the United States. Yeah.
They said we're not, we will be our own country. You know how we knew Puerto Rico wasn't when the fucking

Speaker 2 tsunami or hurricane hit? Mm-hmm. Right?

Speaker 2 And we, it's present through fucking

Speaker 2 paper towels at their faces. Paper towels.
Yeah. At their faces.
But it would have helped, paper towel.

Speaker 2 Tsunami, those bounty quicker picker-uppers are unbelievable the amount of water that you can get on those things. I love tsunamis.

Speaker 2 Don't you love tsunamis? I love me a good tsunami, baby.

Speaker 2 Oh, wait, you reminded me when you said salt on fruit, my buddy puts in the northeast part of the United States, you know, like New England, all that, they put cheese on pie. Yeah.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 On like savory pies. Apple pie.
Not apple pie. They will put

Speaker 2 a slice of cheese on.

Speaker 2 They do. It's probably good.
Incorrect.

Speaker 2 Try.

Speaker 2 Try. Trace, get us, next week, get us apple pie and slices of, it's supposed to be sharp, thick tillamook cheddar cheese.
Awesome.

Speaker 2 Or when you get like a dumpling, like sometimes we get dumplings and I'll order a bunch and then I'll like, I'll think, oh my god, there's a pork pork and shrimp dumpling.

Speaker 2 And I'll bite into it thinking it's gonna be, and it's a red bean. I hate fucking red bean.
I hate red bean. Oh, red bean's the best.
It's so gross. Oh, fuck you about red bean.

Speaker 2 Red bean, you make a decision, and let me say something right now. That's not at all, it just doesn't taste good.

Speaker 2 You know what she said, though? What? She goes, um, last week she comes home, she goes,

Speaker 2 Do you know Bobby? I go, we here? And she goes, the bird and Tom, I have

Speaker 2 they're just nicer than you. Hey, Andrew.

Speaker 2 Are you being serious?

Speaker 2 Wait a minute. You think those guys are nicer than us?

Speaker 3 No, I just

Speaker 3 like their company.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 You don't like their company.

Speaker 2 Fucking birds.

Speaker 2 Oh, God. It's like being.
And you don't like our company.

Speaker 3 No, I also like.

Speaker 2 But you're going to be like, but you're like, there's more. A little.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Go to their show.
It's like I'm a vampire and they're throwing holy water on my skin. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You really like those guys.

Speaker 3 I just see them as like, like, like fathers. And you two are like...

Speaker 2 Brothers.

Speaker 2 Uncles. Uncles.

Speaker 2 What? I don't get it at all.

Speaker 2 I think uncles are always cooler. Yeah, yeah.
Uncles are the ones that let you get away with stuff. Yeah.
We're not going to see them.

Speaker 3 They're like the cooler fathers.

Speaker 2 Ah. So we're like fathers too, but not as cool.
I guess. We like neglect our kids and stuff.
Yeah, we

Speaker 2 go out for cigarettes and we don't come back for a couple of days. Okay, so she likes them better.
That's a little annoying, I got to tell you, because of how well we've treated you.

Speaker 2 And you know what I just said to Bobby? What did I do when I called you before we came? I said, last night,

Speaker 2 I had a conversation with someone about you leaving and going to school. And she said, what are you going to do without Rudy? And I said, I don't know.
That really hurts my feelings.

Speaker 2 I haven't really thought about it. I got sad.
And I said, I'm going to miss.

Speaker 2 Can I have a moment?

Speaker 2 I said, I'm going to miss. I'm going to miss Rudy.
I don't know what we're going to do. You know? And then I got really kind of depressed about it.

Speaker 2 And I said to him, I said, if she goes to UC Davis, maybe we can fly her down every week from the street. Well, first of all, so you got accepted to UC Davis.
Did we say that already?

Speaker 2 We didn't do it publicly.

Speaker 2 And she also got accepted to what? UC Riverside. UC Riverside! What's up? Riverside! Home of the River Rat!

Speaker 2 What else? Home of the Fighting River Rats. Now, the school that you want to go to,

Speaker 2 Cal State, Long Beach, right? No, Long Beach State. Same thing.
Cal State, Long Beach, Long Beach State. No, Long Beach State, and there's California.
What? I think it's Long Beach State.

Speaker 2 Are they the same things? Long Beach State, Cal State, Long Beach?

Speaker 2 I think it's, but I think it's.

Speaker 2 Let's just Google it.

Speaker 2 Cal State, Long Beach. I thought it was Long Beach State.
Yeah, it's Cal State.

Speaker 2 Look at Pete. Googling away, Pete.
California,

Speaker 2 Cal State, Long Beach. Wow.
Yeah, you're wrong. I always call it Long Beach State.
Oh, look at that. Long Beach State is also, it's the same thing.
Yeah, but

Speaker 2 the proper way to say it is.

Speaker 2 Because right on the website, it says Cal State State. What says it first, though? No, no, no, dude.
Look, click on Long Beach State State. Look at the actual Google thing.
It says Cal State.

Speaker 2 You know what? Long Beach State University.

Speaker 2 Let's move on. It's one and the same.
Okay.

Speaker 2 You've never heard it that way, but that's fine. You've never heard of Long Beach State? I've heard of Cal State along.

Speaker 2 I used to live in Long Beach. We called it Long Beach State.
Okay, that's fine.

Speaker 2 That's the school you want to go to.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but they haven't emailed me, so I think they rejected me.

Speaker 2 No, so that's not a problem.

Speaker 2 Here's what we're going to do now.

Speaker 2 I want everyone to go on their Facebook page. Yeah, we got a campaign to get her accepted to Cal Campus.
Because if that doesn't happen, she's going to go to fucking UC Davis. I don't want that.

Speaker 2 And then we're going to have to replace her. That's too far.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so here's what I also want to do is I want to do, and Andreas, memorize this.

Speaker 2 Just in case she has to move. Memorize this? Write it down.
Just memorize it. All right.
Put it in that bank of yours. Do not write it down.
Put it in that memory bank. Don't write it down anywhere.

Speaker 2 Don't save it.

Speaker 2 Go ahead.

Speaker 2 So, anyway,

Speaker 2 we want to hold auditions. For to replace Rudy? Yeah, and I want her to be the judge of them.
Oh, that's great. Because she can only judge who replaces us.
100%. Only you.

Speaker 2 So everyone submit an audition.

Speaker 2 First of all, you have to live in Southern California. The L.A.
area. Yeah.
L.A. Specifically L.A.
County. L.A.
County, number one. Number two, you have to bring...
This is what you have to bring.

Speaker 2 You have to bring her essence, you have to bring it

Speaker 2 island energy, big island energy, yeah, yeah, number two, you have to be innocent, okay, a weird word, but yeah, no, why is that in it? Why? Innocent's weird.

Speaker 2 There's something about it that's like purely innocent. She's like Sleeping Beauty here.
She has knives on the wall. I understand that, but she hasn't used them that we know of.
Oh, maybe.

Speaker 2 In the middle of the night,

Speaker 2 after a killing, she cleans them off, comes back in the studio, and she's like, get a knife for tomorrow. And then she leaves.
How crazy would that be if she went on killing me?

Speaker 2 You know, there was like a night stalker thing in LA,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 And then at three in the morning, because this is what she does. This is crazy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And this happens every fucking night. Don't laugh.
Every fucking night this happens.

Speaker 2 So Kalila and I are sleeping.

Speaker 2 And we hear

Speaker 2 like an alarm ring. Right?

Speaker 2 And you can let it go for an hour. She won't wake up.
It's in her room. It's in her room.
Next to her face. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Literally,

Speaker 2 the phone is

Speaker 2 because she has, she lives,

Speaker 2 it's a double bed, right? So she, you know, she has a scrawny body, so it's like right next to her head, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she has two dogs sleeping with her. In bed? The dogs sleep in the bed? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And when I go into the room to tell her to turn it up, the dogs are

Speaker 2 up. They're up.
Turn off the alarm, please.

Speaker 2 Please go. Turn the fucking up, right? Wow.

Speaker 2 And I go, Jules, this is how she sleeps. Jules, Jules, turn the fucking alarm up.
She goes, okay, okay. And she pushes and snooze, but I don't know this.

Speaker 2 I go back into the room

Speaker 2 15 minutes later.

Speaker 2 This goes on all night long. So what time does this start? One in the morning.
Why? Why?

Speaker 3 I set my alarm to one, two, three, four, five, six.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 3 Because I don't wake up at the sound of it, so I need to hear it a lot of times.

Speaker 2 You got to go to therapy. Something is deeply wrong.
Deeply wrong. One, two, three, four, four, five, six.

Speaker 2 I would make you sleep outside. If you lived at my house, you're in the garage.
And her room's right next to ours. We share a wall.
Oh, wow. Oh, it's a nightmare.
Nightmare. Why do you do that?

Speaker 2 I've never heard of it in my life. I don't know.
Yeah. Well, we got to hold all this to replace it.
Not only that. Here's another thing, right?

Speaker 2 Why do you sleep with three lights on? You sleep with the lights on?

Speaker 2 Not just the lights. She has a fucking lamp on.
The room lights, right? And a nightlight. Jules, what are you doing?

Speaker 3 Because I can't wake up with the alarm, and I'm afraid I'm going to sleep in, so I need the light.

Speaker 2 She also has a problem. She has this, and you have to admit this, okay?

Speaker 2 You have a sleeping problem. Yeah.
No shit. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 Well, she has a real condition. She'll sleep all night long.

Speaker 2 And she'll sleep all day long.

Speaker 2 Just like you.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 You sleep 10 hours. 12 hours.
She sleeps about 15, 16 hours. Now she's got you beat.
Yeah, yeah. What's wrong?

Speaker 3 I don't know. I always feel tired.

Speaker 2 Why do you always feel tired? Are you sad?

Speaker 3 No, Atikala said because I sleep a lot, so it makes you feel more tired.

Speaker 2 It probably does. Yeah, you should set it in a lot.
You should only get like six to eight hours. I don't, I just, I've never heard of that before in my life.
You know,

Speaker 2 of sleeping that much and not being able to just like get to sleep and stay asleep. And then when you get to sleep,

Speaker 2 what wakes you up? up at the Kalila's voice yeah do you ever wake up like this

Speaker 2 do you have those no no panic sleeps no here's another thing that she does

Speaker 2 sorry

Speaker 2 but um she farts in her sleep no she never farts I fart yeah but I don't hear she always goes

Speaker 2 I farted and I go and nobody knew no no no one knew when you fart do the dogs sniff it sometimes all the time my dog why just they dart right for it yeah just and the dog's like

Speaker 2 at that. What's the dog for? My breath.

Speaker 2 See, the

Speaker 2 ship breath. Yeah, poop breath.
Yeah, your mouth and honest. Your mouth and a body.
You fucking talk to me. Do you think that I have bad breath? Sometimes.

Speaker 2 Honestly. This six-foot thing because of the pandy has served our relationship well.
Very long. No, dude, you don't have bad breath.
You have nice teeth. Smile.
Look at the camera and smile.

Speaker 2 How'd the show go last night? It was fun.

Speaker 2 I had a really good time. These doing these shows back is.

Speaker 2 Which one was it? Was this Skylar or was this

Speaker 2 Mark? Mark.

Speaker 2 Saratella. No, no, Mark Hayes.
Saratella is another show. Do you do the Saratella ones? Yeah, in Hollywood.
They're outside the Houston Brothers. Yeah.
Two guys that own.

Speaker 2 Oh, Mark Hayes does the show where? He's got one, too. They all do them at the West Side at Jam in the Van, and then they do...

Speaker 2 Then they have other ones elsewhere. Is there a crowd? Yeah.
How many? Well, the one in Hollywood's like 150. Yeah.
This other one's maybe 70? I can't really. It's outside.
It's a small outside thing.

Speaker 2 It's nice.

Speaker 2 Honestly, it's so nice to be back and to be trying new jokes. Oh, God, because I get calls every fucking day now.
Just do it. I can't.
Why?

Speaker 2 Brennan was there last night. Good comics are doing them.
Sarah Silverman was there.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Like accomplished comedians.

Speaker 2 They'll do all of them. I've done Jam with them.
I've done Nova. I've done both.
So Sarah was there. Yeah, Sarah was there.
She did it.

Speaker 2 Roy Albanese, me, Sarah.

Speaker 2 Well, last night they weren't there, but that was the other show I did with them. But Brennan was there last night.
Ian Edwards is there last night. Yeah, man.

Speaker 2 Speaking of Skyler, he called me. We should call him.
He's got like the. You want to talk about crazy energy, this guy? I can't even talk to him right now.
Why are you mad at him? Well, I'll just.

Speaker 2 Can I just say something I did the other day to him? Yeah. Before you call him.
Yeah, of course. But don't bring it up.
I won't. I don't know if I should say this, but.
Say it.

Speaker 2 So we do an AA meeting together.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 he's publicly sober. Yes.
And he'll do. So

Speaker 2 he leads the meetings. So he calls on people.
Oh, boy. There's like 20 people.
Yeah. He always calls me last.
Yeah, to give you time. No.
No?

Speaker 2 No, because everyone will get only you're on timer, so you talk for two minutes. But I'm saying he's giving you time to think about what you're going to say.

Speaker 2 I want to sleep. I want to speak early.
People tune out. Then just say that.
I want to speak early. No, he doesn't.
Well, you say people tune out because you want people to hear your story.

Speaker 2 I have funny things to say. Nah, I know.
See,

Speaker 2 it's a show. It's a set.
You're doing a set.

Speaker 4 Well, always.

Speaker 2 Always. I always try to get to the last.
That's why I think a lot of comics get sober so they can go do sets in front of AA people.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's a lot of great comics on this, you know, I mean, the Zoom AA meeting. Like, Legends.
Oh, right, that's right. It's Zoom.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So what I do is I'll do this right when he's about to call me to go last, I'll leave. So dick.
Like a baby. You just walk out? I just leave the Zoom meeting.

Speaker 2 And then I'll text him. I'll go, yeah, my battery was.

Speaker 2 Liar.

Speaker 2 What is this?

Speaker 2 It's Theo Vaughn calling you guys out.

Speaker 2 Again, these guys it's over it's dumb you guys want to move past that or you want to well i mean it's i i i want to hear what he's fucking says but

Speaker 2 what does he say let's play it it's like a high school fucking football team go we can beat the uh patriots we already won yeah yeah what are you can't we're fucking the we're monsters what does he say you guys are bad friends

Speaker 4 get the fuck out of here you guys are both two guys that i told i wouldn't do podcasts with that's who you guys are

Speaker 4 So let's fucking

Speaker 4 fucking.

Speaker 4 Popula, you're taking that.

Speaker 4 Santina, you're taking that. Popula's not even awake right now, and it's 4 p.m.
in the afternoon.

Speaker 2 That's funny. Can you imagine doing a podcast with Theo?

Speaker 2 Well, first of all,

Speaker 2 when he said that both of us,

Speaker 2 right, have asked me to do podcasts.

Speaker 2 Never.

Speaker 2 I swear to God on my mother's life sure and she's the only one I have right now Yeah, and me you that I've never asked he's the last guy I would ever do one first of all you would never get one done.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know I mean I don't know man

Speaker 2 I'm in Oklahoma man doing casino or

Speaker 2 I'm with fucking you know some UFC fighters

Speaker 2 You know he hangs out with you.

Speaker 2 I'm with Corey and San Hagen Hey, I love I by the way, I like him a lot. No, he's he's really close.
No, he's really close with Corey San Hagen's. Yeah San Hagen's a shit.
He's really close with

Speaker 2 what's a kid from Louisiana. What's wrong with

Speaker 2 Poirier? Yeah, Dustin Poirier. Dustin Poirier, he loves him.
That is a funny clip. I love Schultz.
That is about you two are bad for you making fun of our show. That's funny, dude.

Speaker 2 That's why you fucking ran away to Nashville.

Speaker 5 I got to go to Nashville to get away from all this LA chaos, man.

Speaker 2 Shut up. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Shut up. He's here.
I'm going to see him tonight or tomorrow. Where? He's back in L.A.
He comes to L.A. every five seconds.
A guy's spending fucking 800 grand a year on plane fleets.

Speaker 2 These fuckers, it's like, you know, everyone's, I'm getting texts from comics. I love these people.
We move to Austin.

Speaker 2 Everybody wants to move to Austin. No.
And it's like, well, there's no comedy scene in LA. Why? Because Joe Rogue,

Speaker 2 look, he's the king. No, he's.
I don't want to attack him. No, that is not the king of the king.

Speaker 2 It's like, there's so many other acts. Yeah.
Right? And new ones come on. It's like, LA's comics is not dead.
The whole thing is so cockamin. In the words of Bill Burr, Bill Burr said it best.

Speaker 2 He goes, dude, only one of those guys has $100 million. And I was like, yeah, that's right.

Speaker 2 Only one of those guys is retiring now. Bill's not moving, is he? No, that's what he's saying.
What would he move for? Yeah.

Speaker 2 He has a wife and kids here.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get why some people move.

Speaker 2 There's certain people we have to convince to stay, though. Well, Bill's got to stay.
Bill's got to stay. I think

Speaker 2 who else? I'm sad that Tommy Segura and Christina Pierre. I know that's sad.
I say goodbye to the crew. I think Burt's got to stay.
Burt will stay. He loves LA.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Guys like Natasha, like girls like Natasha, they're going to stay. Moshe, they'll love it.
Moshe,

Speaker 2 Jazelek will stay. Sebastian will stay.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You think Sebastian will stay? 100%.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 They'd love it here. Like, what's...
Yeah. What, you know, it's just the whole idea.
Sebastian's house is like. It's not a house.

Speaker 2 It's a compound. That's just a compound.
It's an institution.

Speaker 2 It's like when you... They have a school.
You know how you drive by, like, you know,

Speaker 2 a city building.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Like a government. It's a capital.
You know what I mean? That's where he lives.

Speaker 2 It's insane. Is that the Hall of Records? No, that's a good thing.

Speaker 2 You know, he lives where Gwen Stefani used to live. Yeah, he bought their house.
Yeah. And you go...
You've been there, right, Jules? Big? It's really big.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just so much money.
It's so much money. I don't know if I'd ever spend a ton of money on a house like that.
Yeah, you would. That's a lot of money.
You know what I I would do?

Speaker 2 I would never even get that much money. But even if I did, I'd be like, that seems like so much to buy a house.
I would do what Craig Ferguson did. Yeah.
You know what he did? No.

Speaker 2 If you go to his place, he bought four houses and just enclosed the whole fucking thing. So he made it.
So if you go through the gate, then you see houses, and you're like, he owns all of it. Wow.

Speaker 2 And then you know who else is doing that is...

Speaker 2 the director.

Speaker 2 He did,

Speaker 2 what's his name?

Speaker 2 He's one of the biggest directors in the world. Christopher Christopher Nolan.
Oh, yeah. Nolan is doing, he bought four houses and then just kind of enclosed it.

Speaker 2 Wouldn't you do that? I don't know. And then we could all live together.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't want to live with me? I would want to live on the same land as you, not in the same house. No, no, we would have a different house, right? But wouldn't that be nice?

Speaker 2 Who would live in our little plot? Oh, it'd be great. It would be you in one house.
A couple of canceled guys, so we can protect them.

Speaker 2 I've always wanted to protect some people. You are a protector.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Chime. You know, when I was younger,

Speaker 2 I was terrible at banking. I was abused.
So bad. Get overdraft charges.
Yeah, I just didn't know how to handle my money. I didn't know how to manage it.
And also, no one was there to help.

Speaker 2 But Chime understands that every dollar counts.

Speaker 2 That's why when you set up direct deposit through Chime, you get access to fee-free features like overdraft coverage, getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit, and much more, which definitely would have helped me when I was doing my PA jobs back in the day.

Speaker 2 Also, with qualifying direct deposits, you are eligible for free overdraft up to $200 or debit card purchases and cash withdrawal. You can learn more about it at chime.com slash bad friends.

Speaker 2 To date, Chime has spotted members over $30 billion, right? You need a little bit of help. You need a little money quicker than normal because something pops up.
It always does.

Speaker 2 You open up a check-in account with zero monthly fees and no maintenance fees, and you got access to over 47,000 fee-free ATMs. That's more than the top three national banks combined.

Speaker 2 All those ATMs are there for you to use, and don't get clipped. You got to try QIIME.
Work on your financial goals through Chime today. Open an account in two minutes at chime.com slash bad friends.

Speaker 2 That's chime.com slash bad friends. Chime.
Feel like progress.

Speaker 6 Chime is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services and debit card provided by the Bankwork Bank NA or Stripe Bank NA.
Members, FDIC.

Speaker 6 Spot me eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Timing depends on submission payment file.
Fees apply it out of network ATMs, bank ranking, and number of ATMs, according to U.S.

Speaker 6 News and World Report 2023. Chime checking account required.

Speaker 2 Hydro. I got it.
You? They gave me one. I got one at the house.
I love it so very much. It's incredible.
And I'm rowing in the morning and it wakes me up and gets me juiced. Well, what is it?

Speaker 2 What is it? Hydro is your ultimate go-to for ultimate full-body workout.

Speaker 2 How ultimate is it? You may ask. It works 86% of your muscles, arms, legs, and core, twice as efficient as cycling or running.
Just 20 minutes, all it takes to feel the results. And this is true.

Speaker 2 I do it for 15 to 20 minutes in the morning and I feel so good for the rest of the day. People have seen traditional old rowers.
The old ways are gone.

Speaker 2 Hydro's newest rower, the Hydro Arc, delivers such powerful results. GQ magazine named it the best rower of 2025, and I agree.
You've convinced me I'm getting a hydro today. We should get you one.

Speaker 2 Head over to hydro.com and use code BAD Friends to save up to $600 off on a hydro rower during this holiday season. That's hydro, H-Y-D-R-O-W dot com.
Code of course is Bad Friends to save up to $600.

Speaker 2 Hydro.com, code is Bad Friends.

Speaker 7 Tito's handmade vodka is America's favorite vodka for a reason.

Speaker 7 From the first legal distillery in Texas, Tito's is six times distilled till it's just right and naturally gluten-free, making it a high-quality spirit that mixes with just about anything.

Speaker 7 From the smoothest martinis to the best Bloody Marys. Tito's is known for giving back, teaming up with nonprofits to serve its communities and do good for dogs.
Make your next cocktail of Tito's.

Speaker 7 Distilled and bottled by Fifth Generation Inc., Austin, Texas. 40% alcohol by volume.
Savor responsibly.

Speaker 2 Did you see Trevor Noah's house? Google Trevor Noah's house. You know, he bought like a $24 million house.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 $24 million.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 Look at that thing. Look at the fucking size of that thing.
Where is it? In L.A.? Beverly Hills, I imagine. He lives in L.A.
now? Yeah. $27.5 million Bel Air home.

Speaker 2 $27 million.

Speaker 2 My God. I tweeted, I wrote, Comedy Central is paying.

Speaker 2 How come I never got any of that money? I think for my half hour, they gave me like $100.

Speaker 2 And I slept at a Marriott courtyard. I knew what he was.

Speaker 2 Poor? Not poor.

Speaker 2 I was in South Africa.

Speaker 2 You met him in South Africa? Well, you know the story between me and Trevor, right? No. So I was in South Africa and

Speaker 2 he he has said this out loud also in front of people so it doesn't

Speaker 2 I feel weird sharing this. Go on.
So I was in South Africa with Pablo Francisco, Jeff Dunham. We're doing some sort of festival.
Sure. Comedy festival.

Speaker 2 And every show it would play This is right when comedy was kind of new in South Africa. So it was like every show that you would do, it was sold out packed.
Totally.

Speaker 2 Like you do a coffee shop, and it was just like the rafters would be filled. Like people would be looking through windows on top, you know what I mean? On the rooftop.
I mean, it was insane.

Speaker 2 And we would do, every night we would do this theater that was like 2,000, 2,500 seats or whatever. Every night for like 30 days.
Straight? Back-to-back together. Yeah, it was crazy.
Wow.

Speaker 2 How much time would you each do? 15? 15 minutes, yeah. Yeah, that's not bad.

Speaker 2 But we would always have this kid on it. Yeah.
Trevor Noah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he would crush. And at the time, he was just a local.
Nobody knew him.

Speaker 2 No, he would have, he was like known in South Africa because it's like you would go down a street and there would be like a German watch company and Trevor Noah would be the model. Right.

Speaker 2 And he had this German like supermodel girlfriend and he had

Speaker 2 money. He was like the biggest guy in South Africa.
But he would honor the the nicest guy. He was on our shows.
So funny. And so nice.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I just go,

Speaker 2 dude, do you have reps?

Speaker 2 And he goes, no, Matt. You know, I don't have reps.
So I called CAA.

Speaker 2 For him. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you got him signed with CAAAAAAAAAAA. So I called CAA and I called Matt Blake.
And I go,

Speaker 2 there's this kid. He's like, I'm not going to go fucking South Africa to see this kid.
And I go, all right.

Speaker 2 So then, like, months later or whatever when I'm back in America Trevor I get in contact with Trevor and Trevor goes I'm doing gig in Las Vegas

Speaker 2 so I go Matt you got to go see this kid and Matt went and saw him he flew out and saw him and then he signed him

Speaker 2 wow so Matt Blake owes you commission and then when I

Speaker 2 when Trevor got the daily show

Speaker 2 I try to get a correspondence audition. Not a chance.
No, not a chance.

Speaker 2 You don't, that, I don't don't see you in a suit on that show. At that time, I needed something.
I know, but you wouldn't be good on that show. All right.
I'm just saying, give me a shot.

Speaker 2 Okay, look into that camera and do, let's do it.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no, no, let's do it. No, I know, because I remember, because I'll tell you why I thought.
Here with a correspondence booby-li?

Speaker 2 No, I was doing,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 Larry Willmore? Of course. They flew me to New York to audition for that show.
Because they love you. No, so it was the same type of job.
Right. Like a correspondency kind of a job.

Speaker 2 And I tested, you know what I mean, in front of all of Comedy Central, and Larry was there. But could you

Speaker 2 run? And I did okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because you're funny. Yeah, so it's like, I just thought I had nothing else going on.
You're right. I'm not right for it.
You'd be terrible on that show.

Speaker 2 Like, unless they needed like a tornado.

Speaker 2 Why can't it be Weatherman?

Speaker 2 They don't have weatherman. I don't know.
To come up with a different correspondence. Okay,

Speaker 2 weather. Go.

Speaker 2 Go. It's going to be sunny out in L.A.
and there's going to be earthquakes.

Speaker 2 Sell it. Sell it.
Sell it into the camera. No.

Speaker 2 I'm not doing this. You would be bad on that.
I would be. That's why I'm so shy now.
You're not shy. Oh, my God.
You're kidding me? Really? You're shy? I've seen your butthole outside.

Speaker 2 Anyway, so then, you know, years passed and I thought maybe he just kind of forgot about me. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Yeah. I'm so proud of him, by the way.
And then

Speaker 2 I was with Dalia

Speaker 2 and we were at a CAA Christmas party.

Speaker 2 And he rolls up. And I remember like my manager being there and a bunch of people being there.
And he walks into this party. He sees me.
I haven't seen him since South Africa.

Speaker 2 Since, yeah, since South Africa. Wow.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I remember like, I'm not kidding you, Jennifer Aniston was like standing right here. There was like people just standing around.
And he just kind of walks in and he goes, there he is to me.

Speaker 2 And he tells the story. About him getting signed because if you.
I don't know. Yeah,

Speaker 2 how I helped him and all that kind of stuff, right? Yeah. And it made me feel like

Speaker 2 I wanted to cry. That's really sweet.
You know what I mean? So it was a nice, you know. And then he got in a jetpack and took off.

Speaker 2 He's like, probably, great guy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But what a nice, talented guy. I've heard he's a great dude.
I've never met.

Speaker 2 But I just, I'm blown away by the amount of money. He deserves that, whatever that is.
That is, I mean, do you want a $27 million home, Jules? But if I lived with other people, yeah.

Speaker 2 He lives with one girl, one gentleman.

Speaker 2 How much do you need? Would you buy a house that big, Jules, if you had all that money?

Speaker 3 Not that big.

Speaker 2 How much money would you spend on a house?

Speaker 3 Not a million.

Speaker 2 Under a million? Yeah. What are we talking?

Speaker 3 Is $100,000 big?

Speaker 2 So $100,000 would probably get you a closet in that house. No.

Speaker 2 What? $100,000? It would probably get you a nice tent from REI that you could throw up underneath the 101.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, it would be. Maybe.
A port-a-potty and maybe a nice tent. You would get a sleeping bag, a canteen.
A little grill heater. Yeah, a grill heater.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 2 And then, and then maybe like. Oh, on my pillow? A my pillow.
You could get a my pillow. No, you love that guy.
You love that guy.

Speaker 2 And you get a cricket wireless phone that I'm sure you could call some people on from, I think it's noon to six is their only time that they work. New balance socks.
New balance socks? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Double layered. Double layered.
Oh, a hundred grand. Man, I love you so much.

Speaker 2 How much is a car? Do you know how much a car is?

Speaker 3 $50,000.

Speaker 2 $50,000. So you're saying a car is $50,000.

Speaker 2 You can buy a house for $100,000. Yeah.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Could you get a...

Speaker 2 This is crazy. Could you get a trailer for $100,000?

Speaker 2 Maybe. Oh, yeah, yeah, of course you could.
Yeah, you could. Well, a trailer would be nice, no? You could live in a nice trailer.

Speaker 3 That's fine. See?

Speaker 2 No, you wouldn't. You know what? Yes, you would.

Speaker 2 Because I know that she's a dog lover. You can have dogs.
You have tons of dogs in the trailer. She had two dogs.
Do you want a yard?

Speaker 3 I don't want a yard.

Speaker 2 What state in the United States do you want to live in?

Speaker 3 I want to go to San Francisco.

Speaker 2 That's still in the same state. Yeah, that's a little cheap.
Yeah. The city of San Francisco, $100,000? I think it's one of the cheapest places to live right now.

Speaker 2 Four months of rent. No, $100,000? Yeah.
Maybe. Three.
Maybe two and a half. Two and a half.
Security deposit, you're done. You have one month.
Maybe the last month free. So, yeah,

Speaker 2 you'll get June taken care of. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Our dogs are such a problem. Isn't it a problem?

Speaker 2 One of my dogs' eyes fucking fucked up. And then I think it's internal bleeding.
I fucked it up. You hit it? No.
What? I hit it with a car?

Speaker 2 How is it? I turned out the window. Oh, you were driving.

Speaker 2 I saw a dog one time in Hollywood jump out the back of a truck when it was moving, and it scared me. Yeah.
Jump right out of the back of a truck.

Speaker 2 Did it live? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I never didn't stick around. I had a meeting.

Speaker 2 I used to see, I used to drive by every once in a while, like a dog on the freeway that it was hit. And I used to feel nothing.

Speaker 2 Not a thing. Because I'm the one that hit it.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Because this is when I. Have you ever hit an animal with your car? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 What have you hit? I've probably killed about six rabbits.

Speaker 2 Rabbits are fine. What? Rabbits are fine.
I'm fine with rabbits. Maybe one cat in my life.
Cat? That's fine. That's sad.
That's sad. It's bad.
I hit a human. Yeah, Yeah, I hit a human, too.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. You really hit a human.
I did. I hit a guy.
Yeah, yeah. I hit a guy in the rain.

Speaker 2 Fast? Pretty fast. I was going pretty fast.
Was he hospitalized? As far as I know, I was gone. So I don't.
Oh, he didn't run. I did not stick around.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. I did stay.

Speaker 2 He left the scene. I swear to God.
He was acting real skittish, and his buddy was like, we got to go. I was like, hold on, wait, the ambulance is coming.
I called the police.

Speaker 2 I want to make sure you're okay. He's like, we got to go, man.
They were kind of transients, and they had bags.

Speaker 2 But I hit him pretty hard. I hit him so hard, his head shattered my witch.
I had glass in my face. I had little pieces of glass that cut my face.
Did I ever talk about how I hit that guy? Nope.

Speaker 2 What guy? Oh, he was paralyzed from the waist out. You paralyzed the guy? Yeah.
Don't laugh.

Speaker 2 Jesus. It was so shocking.
You smoked a guy with your car? I think he can walk now. Oh, he got it back? Well, he has a limp.

Speaker 2 He has a limp. He drags his leg.
Oh, he's a dragon. Yeah, he's a dragger.
Uh-huh. I was, um, this is so fucking crazy.
What car? The Prius? No, this is way back when I was a kid.

Speaker 2 So this is in the

Speaker 2 80s. Okay.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 so I went to, so when I was 17, I got sober. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I would go to these meetings, and I had this really just white truck, but it was like the windows were broken, the engine was, it would always explode. It was like a, it was hard to get started.

Speaker 2 It was a fucked up car. What brand? Toyota.
Oh, yeah. What do you mean?

Speaker 2 So I was going, so I was at this meeting, and

Speaker 2 I don't know if illegally.

Speaker 2 Fuck it.

Speaker 2 I could sue it again.

Speaker 2 The cops aren't listening. Right.
So I. One cop.
So this meeting was in a hill. I was coming down this hill.
It was at night and I was taking a right, but there was no stop sign.

Speaker 2 There was a stop sign, but it was like mowed over. So that's what the when the cops came.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but still I should have known that the because there was another you know street this way, right? Right. When I take a right, right.

Speaker 2 so I took a right and I didn't stop I just went I just I think I just accelerated

Speaker 2 and I'm like this and I hear all I hear is a spark I see a spark in my rear window mirror from the back of my truck and then I just see a body being hurled in front of my fucking car it was a guy on a bike yeah yeah

Speaker 2 and I so you do what you normally do in that situation you accelerance yeah you accelerate

Speaker 2 right and then I hear like,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 What you do, right? Yeah. So,

Speaker 2 right? And then I go, and I just kept going. Bob.
I know. It's bad.
Where is he now? Well, then I pull over and I look and it's just like,

Speaker 2 it's like Mad Max. Oh, he's in bad shape.
I mean, it's just like his motorcycle's in pieces in the street. I just see this body laying in the middle of the street.
Did his shoes come off?

Speaker 2 And I did a cackle.

Speaker 2 You laughed? Not just laugh. It was like a mad, because I thought, oh, I'm going to prison for the rest of my life.
So might as well get it out now.

Speaker 2 So I just laughed because I was like, this is my life.

Speaker 2 So I went, ah, ah, ah, like the joker. You know what I mean? Like a crazy person, right? Like a hyena.

Speaker 2 In the night, right? Imagine what he's thinking. He's laying there.

Speaker 2 And you just hear the

Speaker 2 in the background. He's like, kill me.
Just take me out. So I get out and, you know, your adrenaline is pumping, right? So it's like, I grab his body.
Why? Because I wanted to pull him away.

Speaker 2 He's in the middle of the street. Yeah, but you're not supposed to touch the people that are.
I don't know the rules. That's the rule.
All right, but I don't know.

Speaker 2 So I pull him on the side of the street. I start, I don't know why, but I started grabbing motorcycle parts.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm trying to. I'll fix it.
Well, I think I'm Asian. I can do it.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? And you can rebuild it. Yeah, yeah.
So I'm trying to put things together in the middle of the street.

Speaker 2 What does this do? You know what I mean? I'm trying to put it together. And I just remember the ambulance coming, all that stuff.
And then did you talk to him? Did you say anything?

Speaker 2 No, it's all right. I didn't see you.
What did he say?

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? With the blood in his mouth.

Speaker 2 He's going

Speaker 2 to sue you.

Speaker 2 So, so then what happens is, next thing I know, oh, so what happened that night? Because we had no cell phones back then. Right.
So I went to the nearest payphone and I'm putting quarter.

Speaker 2 My hands are bloody. I'm putting pay quarters in the screen.
I'm 17 years old, by the way. Yeah.
I'm in high school. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I call my dad. Hello?

Speaker 2 He was sleeping. Yeah.
And I go, dad, I ran somebody. Oh, that's your problem.

Speaker 2 Like, he didn't even, like, most parents would be like, you know what I mean? Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 What do we do? Can we get there?

Speaker 2 And he hung up. Yeah.
That's your problem. He's right.
I hung up. That's your problem.

Speaker 2 Fuck. Right.
And then

Speaker 2 my truck was fine. The truck was okay.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, there was dense, but there was always dense, you know. Look at my Prius.
There's always dense. Terrible shape.

Speaker 2 So I went home, and then

Speaker 2 the next couple years, I end up like

Speaker 2 every other week

Speaker 2 just being in courtrooms and meeting lawyers and insurance. So you got sued? I was in trouble.
How much did you, I mean, did you... Half a million dollars you got.
What? From my insurance.

Speaker 2 From insurance. What did you end up? What did you have to pay? I don't remember.
Half a million. Yeah, yeah.
Personal injury shit.

Speaker 2 But then I found out through my lawyer, and he goes, that guy was a bad guy.

Speaker 2 Oh, so you should have killed him. And I go, why? And he goes,

Speaker 2 I don't remember this. It was like either he was charged with the rape

Speaker 2 or some sort of molestation. Molestation.

Speaker 2 He was like some kind of guy that had a big criminal record.

Speaker 2 So that was the way I was able to go,

Speaker 2 I'm okay with it. You feel okay? Yeah.
that was a tool for God. God said, I'm going to.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Actually, God tried to have you kill him.

Speaker 2 Maybe I didn't succeed in the mission. I saw, you know, how many people get hit on bicycles down there

Speaker 2 in Orange County and San Diego is insane because all those windy turns, and they're, oh, I see them all the time. Last time I was at La Jolla Comedy Store, a guy got fucking hit, smoked, and died.

Speaker 2 Like the Friday before the show, I was coming back from golfing with a friend in northern San Diego, and they had the road closed. You know, that via whatever that is, they get down to the store.

Speaker 2 You know know what I mean? Down to get up to,

Speaker 2 what's it called? What's the neighborhood? The store. La Jolla.
La Jolla. And

Speaker 2 they had closed the road because a guy had got hit on his bicycle and it had just happened, you know, like soon enough where they hadn't cleaned up. Yeah.
Wow.

Speaker 2 This fucking dude's bicycle was maybe 50 yards away from where the body was. Oh my lord.
50 yards. Half football field.
Half of a house.

Speaker 2 Half a house. Wow.
Half a house is 150. He's a car.
He hit him so fucking hard and his shoes came off. That's why I asked you.
Their shoes come off all the time. They do.
People get hit by cars.

Speaker 2 Their shoes come off. Wow.
Yeah, I can tell why. Why? Because you're flying.
Things come off. Yeah, but shoe mushrooms.
My Dorothy was flying in the whirlwind and whatever. Her shoes stayed on.

Speaker 2 They did. Yeah.
Well, look, my shoes are so tight.

Speaker 2 These wouldn't come off if I got it. These would fall off, though.

Speaker 2 I don't know why your story brought this up, but...

Speaker 2 And I had just gotten a haircut, and my hair was like a mushroom. You had bangs? No, it was like a mushroom.

Speaker 2 And I was so mad. Yeah, yeah.
But like at that way, I was playing a character then.

Speaker 2 You're always literally had this like mushroom haircut, and I remember being so mad, like, even like they didn't want to go down to La Jolla.

Speaker 2 I'm like, I can't go down there with this haircut, and you're like, Don't be a pussy, bro, right? So, we drive down there, and it's like night, it's like 7 p.m.

Speaker 2 or whatever, yeah, and um, we're driving down Gerard Street or whatever, or Pearl Street, Pearl, Pearl, yeah,

Speaker 2 and there was this kid in the corner of Pearl, he's wearing a skateboard, and he does this: he goes, oh, daughter, oh, da-da-da-da-da-da.

Speaker 2 He goes, oh, da-da-da-da-da. And I just so, I was so sensitive about my fucking haircut, right? I go, Chris, pull over,

Speaker 2 right? And I run out, right? This kid, the car, right?

Speaker 2 And then once I get to the kid, I realize the kid's like 6'3.

Speaker 2 He's a man. Yeah, but he's a kid.
A kid, but a man. Yeah,

Speaker 2 he was a huge kid.

Speaker 2 But I was like, still like, I'm going to die, but. Are you a racist? You know what I mean? I mean? You like racism? You know what I mean? Like, I didn't know what to say, right?

Speaker 2 Don't be racist, please. And I kind of walked away.
If he was smaller, though, I think I would have gotten a. What were you gonna do? Punch him? Oh, that's true.
Yeah, it's like, what a waste. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What would you do to the skateboard? Steal a skateboard, I guess. Yeah, yeah.
See, it's so funny, as a guy, you've never like experienced that type of thing. Racism? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, people make fun of me. That's, I mean, it's not the same, though.
I don't think it's the same because I was made fun of because of my personality and who I was as a person.

Speaker 2 Okay, but like, making fun of you because you're Asian is making fun of you because it's something you can't help. Right? Like, I have red hair.
I got made fun of constantly for having red hair.

Speaker 2 I can't help that. Oh, that's true.
You know? Yeah, yeah. It's not like getting picked on for something that I could service or change.
But do you get angry? So you get, like, into yourself?

Speaker 2 Like, oh, what?

Speaker 2 Like, at nights,

Speaker 2 I used to hate it. It used to drive me nuts as a kid, as anything does when you're a kid.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But then I just, then you grow up and you're like i don't i couldn't care it doesn't matter once you find how little you but i'm but i'm i'm not saying it's the same as someone being like

Speaker 2 that's not the same yeah yeah but we all get picked on for something did you ever get picked on jules um there's this guy in school and then he what's his fucking name

Speaker 2 here or in the philippines here what what what

Speaker 2 who is it but he wouldn't i don't fucking care give me his name google him pete what's his name

Speaker 2 yes i don't know his name. Yeah, you do.

Speaker 3 He was just a classmate from English. And then he was...

Speaker 2 Classmate from English. Good Google.
Very good, Pete. Very good.

Speaker 2 So, go ahead.

Speaker 3 And then he just asked me,

Speaker 3 like, what are you? And I said, Filipino.

Speaker 3 And then, I don't know, I have an accent, and then he imitated a Filipino accent.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 But not other love. And now,

Speaker 2 did this Filipino accent get a laugh? No, I didn't laugh. No, it's just to her.
It was just to you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What did you say to him?

Speaker 3 Because I didn't want to fight, so I just like, ha-ha.

Speaker 2 So you did laugh.

Speaker 3 But it's not a laugh, like a genuine laugh.

Speaker 2 That's a really fucking,

Speaker 2 you know, unenthusiastic laugh. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Speaker 3 Yeah, and then I didn't like talk to him again.

Speaker 2 What's his first name? You don't need to say his last name. I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 3 Isaac.

Speaker 2 Isaac. His His name was Isaac? Yeah.
Google Isaac from English class.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, and then you had to sit next to him every day for that year.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but I didn't talk to him. Like, he would try to talk to me.

Speaker 2 Oh, this is he has a crush on you. That's what it is.
That's a clear. If he continued to talk to you after he's like, where are you from? And you're like, I'm from the Philippines.

Speaker 2 He's like, oh, that's weird. And then he went home at night and was like, learned everything about the fucking Philippines and got obsessed because he has a crush on you.

Speaker 2 That's why he wanted to talk to you. This is the loser, young, weirdo.
What do they call the kids kids that are

Speaker 2 what do they call that incels? Me. Incels.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's him.
There he is. There he is.
And look at that. Pete found him.
Is that him? Yeah. That's him.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You guys, you guys see this guy who was cute?

Speaker 3 No, he was ugly.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 At blinds.com, it's not just about window treatments. It's about you, your style, your space, your way.

Speaker 5 Whether you DIY or want the pros to handle it all, you'll have the confidence of knowing it's done right.

Speaker 5 From free expert design help to our 100% satisfaction guarantee, everything we do do is made to fit your life and your windows.

Speaker 5 Because at blinds.com, the only thing we treat better than windows is you. Black Friday deals are going on all month long.

Speaker 5 Save up to 45% off site-wide, plus an additional 10% off every order right now at blinds.com.

Speaker 2 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 7 I am so excited for this spa day.

Speaker 6 Candles lit.

Speaker 7 Music on.

Speaker 2 Hot tub warm and ready.

Speaker 7 And then my chronic hives come back. Again, in the middle of my spa day, what a wet blanket.
Looks like another spell of itchy red skin.

Speaker 7 If you have chronic spontaneous urticaria or CSU, there is a different treatment option. Hives during my next spa day? Not if I can help it.
Learn more at treatmyhives.com.

Speaker 8 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game?

Speaker 8 Well, with the name Your Price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it at progressive.com.

Speaker 8 Progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law.

Speaker 2 Not available in all states.

Speaker 2 It's funny, like, think about what you were like at 19. Me? Yeah, the things I was doing at 19 and all the history that I had before 19.
What was 19? Sophomore in high school? Or I mean, in college?

Speaker 2 Yeah, freshman in high school.

Speaker 2 College, yeah. I mean, I was wild.

Speaker 2 I mean, mean, I was in college being a fucking maniac, but I was also.

Speaker 2 I mean, okay, by the time you were 19, right, let me ask you something. Yeah.
Had you smoked weed? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Had you been drunk before? A thousand times. Cocaine? No.

Speaker 2 Any LSD or anything? Acid. Mushrooms?

Speaker 2 A lot, right? A lot of mushrooms. I only did acid twice.
Yeah, I did like, by the time I was 19, I had probably done 60 hits of acid. That's a fuck.
I've only done two.

Speaker 2 I've only done two tabs. I've done meth before at 19.
Never did meth, and that's obvious. Prostitutes I've had.
No. Yeah.
No. Sucked dicks.
Didn't. Never did anything.
Yeah, you never tried it.

Speaker 2 You got me beat. Yeah, molested.
Didn't happen. Yeah, yeah.
No. Sorry.
So I imagine I look at, then I, whenever I see 90, when I see her every day,

Speaker 2 I think,

Speaker 2 wow, what a

Speaker 2 nice line. She gets straight A's.
That's where innocent came from. Yeah, that's why I say innocent.
Because you've never had a drink of alcohol. 19.

Speaker 3 I did. I tried weed.

Speaker 2 When did you try weed?

Speaker 2 At Titawabi's face.

Speaker 2 When? When. What?

Speaker 3 Last year.

Speaker 2 With Roger.

Speaker 2 What, really? You smoked weed last year with Roger? How much?

Speaker 3 Three.

Speaker 3 Did you get high?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Sometimes people don't get high when they first see it. She didn't get high.
She didn't get high. You took three hits.

Speaker 2 Yeah, three hits. Yeah, yeah.
Did you inhale it? Yeah. Breathe in your lungs? I don't think she did.
Some people don't inhale, and then they're like, oh, no, it's like, well, you're not smoking. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I did. Roger saw me.

Speaker 2 Do you want to do it again?

Speaker 3 Yeah, because I want to feel the high.

Speaker 2 You want to feel the high. Oh, you do.

Speaker 2 You know what I, you know what I'm saying? Can we get some weed? Fly in some weed, you know.

Speaker 2 You know what drugs is acid. Acid's fun.
Because for the first 45 minutes, you don't feel anything. Right.
So you're like, this drug sucks. Like the first time, this drug sucks.
And then. And then

Speaker 2 you go,

Speaker 2 I like when things get pixelated on acid, when it becomes kind of like Minecraft.

Speaker 2 And then a lot of people want to go to like, people always go, like, let's take acid and go into the desert nope or the forest. Nope.
I'm a mall guy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I like going to the mall. That's cool.
Because I like seeing people's teeth, you know what I mean? And walking around and it's just so fucking I everything becomes like cartoony for me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, see, I like that. But then I saw a demon once in my room and I fucking,

Speaker 2 oh my god, dude. I was fucking, I had this Duran Duran, right, poster of my room.
Yeah. of Rio, you know, that one woman.
Yes. Right? Bring it up so people see what that looks like.
So I was,

Speaker 2 had a bad trick. I was sitting there, and all of a sudden, the wall started closing in on me.
I hate that, right? And then the Rio, yeah, so dude, yeah, so she's right. I had that on my wall, right?

Speaker 2 And she is just like this, right?

Speaker 2 She looks so evil.

Speaker 2 And she came out of the fucking poster, poster, and she was red with fucking wing,

Speaker 2 and she was coming toward me. And I was in the corner of my room, going, dude, dude.
And my dad come in, hey, what are you doing? Be quiet. Try to sleep.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Are you afraid of the Rio poster?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 One time I did mushrooms at a concert and I came home and I thought that the mushrooms were done. Like I was like, these are done.
These are out of my body.

Speaker 2 But I laid in bed and I couldn't sleep. Like my come down was just started to like, it was just, I was anxious and shaky.
Yeah. And I was like, oh.
So I laid down on the floor. Right.

Speaker 2 And I remember thinking to myself, just go to sleep. Just go to sleep.
It's okay. You can just go to sleep.

Speaker 2 This is over. You're going to be fine.
Come on. Come on.
Get Go to sleep. I did this for what I thought was fucking hours.
I mean, hours. I had tossed and turned and tossed and turned.

Speaker 2 And I put on a sweater. I took up a sweater.
I got cold. I got too hot.
Tossed and turned and tossed and turned and tossed and turned. And finally,

Speaker 2 I stood up to go piss, to go to my bathroom and piss. My mom, who had saw me come in, was still up cleaning up in the kitchen.
Yeah, yeah. She was like, what are you doing?

Speaker 2 I was like, oh, I can't sleep. She's like, what do you mean? I was like, I've been tossing and turning all night.
Yeah. She's like, you've been home for 15 minutes.
And I was like, oh,

Speaker 2 in my mind, I was like, this has been all night. I thought it was hours had gone by.

Speaker 2 And I went and sat in the fucking bathroom. I sat on the toilet just staring until my body finally got tired.
And then I went to bed.

Speaker 2 Sometimes the come down from mushrooms,

Speaker 2 I don't enjoy.

Speaker 2 Acid's not like that. But yeah.
Acid kind of ends, and then you feel a little

Speaker 2 for the next whatever.

Speaker 2 It's like a meth come down.

Speaker 2 What's meth? I don't know what those are like.

Speaker 2 Three days you can't eat or sleep. You feel like just constantly, and then when you come down on it, it's like the worst feeling, man.
It's like you sleep for like 24 hours.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's terrible. You just feel chemicals in your body.
How do you flush it out? How do you get rid of any of that stuff? I don't know.

Speaker 2 I mean, I would do it now by going to spa, probably, but you know. Sweat it out.
But I have to say about this real thing is that I don't know if it was the acid

Speaker 2 that the deem it or because you'd not have been possessed in that room? Bobby.

Speaker 2 You were not possessed. Yes, I was.
You were not. Okay.
Did you know about the possessions? Yes. In my house? Yes, but you were not possessed.
I don't believe that. My brother was possessed as well.

Speaker 2 They almost got a shaman.

Speaker 2 Don't. See, you know, that's what I don't like about you.
The rolling of the eyes. Yeah, yeah.
You were possessed. Dude, one time, my eyes flickered back.

Speaker 2 I'm not kidding. Why are you laughing?

Speaker 2 I don't like your tone. You're being rude.
Okay, fine. You got possessed.
You got rude. You got possessed.
No, I'm just telling you. How did you get rid of the possession? Is this the same thing?

Speaker 2 I'll tell you, okay?

Speaker 2 What's so funny? It's so stupid. It's not stupid, dude.
So one time, right?

Speaker 2 Let me say it. What happened? I was in the bed, and I opened my eyes, and I go, I can't move.
Your whole body. It was a Saturday.
I wasn't on drugs, right? You weren't on drugs. No, nothing, right?

Speaker 2 I can't move. And all of a sudden, I felt heat on my chest, and I couldn't move.
And then I felt my mind,

Speaker 2 I was thinking about crazy things. Like

Speaker 2 evil shit, like you want to hurt and kill and stuff. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kill yourself.

Speaker 2 I just felt an evil presence. And hurt other people? Yeah.
Really? How did you get rid of the possession? So I just said, you got to get out. So I was like this.
I was like, get out of me.

Speaker 2 Get out of this. And I...
I ran, we had a swimming pool. So right by the garage,

Speaker 2 there's a door and it goes right.

Speaker 2 And I was possessed, and I

Speaker 2 you gotta get out of me, right? And the swimming pool was cold, yeah, right because it was during the wintertime.

Speaker 2 And I jumped in the swimming pool and I snapped out of it. So, every time with my clothes on, so the secret for Diz, those at home, is to get possessed,

Speaker 2 I might have jumped in that pool eight times in my life with my clothes on. So, every time you got possessed, you would jump in the pool.
Yeah, so the one time I possessed that.

Speaker 2 How do these demons not know how to figure out why water is the catalyst?

Speaker 2 My aunt, who died, rest in peace.

Speaker 2 Was one time

Speaker 2 I hear a commotion going on. My brother used to take Bible verses.

Speaker 2 What's so funny? It's just whatever happens next. Right, so my brother was really religious.
Yeah, I remember that. Right, so he took, and he would take Bible.
My parents would have to buy him Bibles.

Speaker 2 Isn't it? Once it was... No, because he used to cut them out.
He was like, he was like Kevin Spacey in the movie Sevens all over the wall. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 he was like, stick them out in there, like a memento, right? So he would like, um,

Speaker 2 he would cut the oh, this is important. Sorry, we'll pause for the beanie.

Speaker 2 He would cut Bible verses out of the Bible and just paste them on the wall. What? Stuff that he cared about?

Speaker 2 I don't know what they probably know, he just liked the way it looked or whatever. Okay, and he would like draw like crosses on the wall.

Speaker 2 What? Yeah,

Speaker 2 no wonder he got possessed. I don't know.
I mean, no, it's because

Speaker 2 it's devilish. One time

Speaker 2 I come home home and my whole family's there. Like, I have, you know, I have uncles and aunts.
I have 28 first cousins.

Speaker 2 The house is filled. Yeah.
And I walk into my brother's room and my aunt, I had three aunts, an uncle, and my brother was like naked. And my brother was like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 In the living room? No, in his room. In his room.
Right.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? His little penis was out. No, his dick wasn't out.
This is not his dick. You said naked.
Well, his dick was out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That wasn't hard.

Speaker 2 That'd be weird. Your aunt and uncle.
He's like,

Speaker 2 and my brother's like, my brother's like, you know what I mean? Twitching. Twitching, right? And I go,

Speaker 2 I go, is he being... Because I knew what it was.
A possession. He's being possessed.
And he was getting exorcised.

Speaker 2 I don't know what they were doing. They're probably giving Kim Chichi Chig or something, right? Some sort of ox blood soup or something to get him out of it.

Speaker 2 But yeah, and then we moved out of the house and then stopped. When you moved, it never happened again.
No. Can can we know the address?

Speaker 2 I can see the road. I want to know the address.
I want to look it up so bad. What? I want to look him up.
I want him to look it up on Google. My brother knows the address.
Do it.

Speaker 2 And it's Ranch Hollow Road. Google Highway, California, Ranch Hollow Road.
Go to Google Maps, Pete.

Speaker 2 Because I want to see the

Speaker 2 home. See if we get a negative vibe.

Speaker 2 I want to call my brother. Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I'm on bad friends with Andrew right now.
Hey, baby. Yeah.
Were you you ever possessed in the house?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, good. Wait, hold on.
Hold on, Stevie. What, what? Do you really think that you were like, that you had something take you take over your body?

Speaker 9 Yeah, there's like 20

Speaker 9 demonic, like, Indian spirit, whatever, spirits on me, holding me down.

Speaker 2 How did you... Were you naked? You were naked.
Bobby said you were like.

Speaker 9 I wasn't naked, but I had Bible verses on my walls and shit.

Speaker 2 And who told you to put the Bible verses up on your walls?

Speaker 9 They're whispering, holding me down like,

Speaker 2 you know.

Speaker 2 What were they saying?

Speaker 9 Nothing good.

Speaker 2 Nothing good, nothing good, dude. How did you get rid of this?

Speaker 9 No, that place was heavily, it was probably built on some poltergeist shit, like on in on an Indian burial ground.

Speaker 2 TV, what, what, how did you get rid of it?

Speaker 9 How did you get rid of the um I had to yell out Jesus, but I only got the J.

Speaker 2 They're holding my mouth.

Speaker 2 He was trying to yell out Jesus, you only got the JE part. He goes, J!

Speaker 2 Yeah!

Speaker 2 Yeah!

Speaker 9 One strong burst, like you know, like the Ryu fireball.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I jumped in the pool, right?

Speaker 9 Yeah, you got rid of him by the pool, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 what was the address?

Speaker 2 What was the address? You remember the address? Ranch Hollow Road.

Speaker 9 15944 Ranch Hollow Road.

Speaker 2 15944 Ranch Hollow Road. We are looking it up.
15944 Ranch Hollow Road. It's real.

Speaker 2 It's real. There it is.
Let's go to satellite. Let's go to Jay.
All right, thanks, Steve. I love you guys.
I love you, brother. All right, so look at that.
That's how. That's it, right there.

Speaker 2 That's it. Oh,

Speaker 2 it looks creepy. Full screen it, baby.

Speaker 2 I don't like this. Yeah, yeah.
Look at that. Oh.

Speaker 2 And look at that blue truck, that ominous Native American blue truck.

Speaker 2 Zoom in on the house. Clicking on the house so you can see.
Can you click, click? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 How about this? You know what? Do this. Copy and paste that address and go to Zillow.
That's the best thing you can do because then we can look at the inside of the home. Copy and paste that address.

Speaker 2 Yeah, go go to Zillow.com and then we'll be able to see the inside of the home and we'll be able to see how much the house is worth now. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 We'll see how fancy you really are. That's what that's.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 okay,

Speaker 2 there's fill the house again. Hold on one second.
Let him put this in. There's a funny story here.
I just saw a little area. Perfect.
Yeah, there it is. Powwe.

Speaker 2 Click, clack. Four bed, three bath, 3,700 square feet, 1.5 million is what it's worth now.
Oh, wow. Or you could rent it for five grand.
Can you click? There's no other photos, eh?

Speaker 2 Sometimes they have other photos that you can scroll through. Nothing, huh?

Speaker 2 Why are they renting it out? No, they're just saying you could rent it out if you wanted to rent it out. Somebody lives there right now, but that's the satellite view right there.
You can see.

Speaker 2 So if you look at the house. Yeah, let's go back to the house.
Go back to the house. Go back to that part.
Okay, so right. So zoom into the house to the left side.
You can't really. Okay.
So anyway.

Speaker 2 Right in between that house and that house. So

Speaker 2 that side of the house was my room, right? And see that house to the left? Yeah. And see those trees over Yeah.

Speaker 2 One night,

Speaker 2 I don't know who lived there, but there was a kid wearing a cowboy outfit. Yeah.
Okay. Okay.
And he was going,

Speaker 2 making noises. Okay.
I don't know what the noises were. Okay.
He's going,

Speaker 2 right? Right. And I remember just opening.
I go, I was a kid. Shut the fuck up, man.

Speaker 2 I would yell. Right? He wouldn't stop.

Speaker 2 Shut the fuck up, man. I would just yell it out the fucking, right? Yeah.
So then I went out.

Speaker 2 He had a fucking toy gun.

Speaker 2 Right? And I walk up to him, like, I meet him in the between the houses. And I go, hey, man, I'm trying to take a nap, man.
You hear me? You're going to choose, right?

Speaker 2 And he goes, shut the fuck up, man. And he fucking takes the butt of the gun and hits me in the tummy.
Shut up. Yeah.
How old was he? Oh, he must have been 13. And you're 13.
Man, I was like 16.

Speaker 2 So the little boy gun butts you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I went back in there, my room, and all night long, I could just hear

Speaker 2 in the tree. You think he was possessed? No, but he was just like, you know, there's nothing I could do about it.
You just got beat up.

Speaker 2 We never had anything creepy in my house except my sister sleepwalks, and she would fall down the stairs sometimes. She's cute, your sister.
Enough.

Speaker 2 She used to trip down the stairs. So they had to put up a rope by the stairs so my sister wouldn't fall face first down the fucking stairs.
She would just sleepwalk all the time.

Speaker 2 And then they had to, which I didn't, I didn't know. You're not supposed to wake someone up from a sleepwalk.
Do you know that? No. If you wake someone up from the middle of a sleepwalk, they die.

Speaker 2 They can have like, they can, they think they're going to die. They, they're having like panic.
Look that up why you don't wake people up from a sleepwalk.

Speaker 2 Because apparently, like, you're supposed to let them wake up on their own because they're really conscious. Like, they're actually like aware and they kind of are half awake.

Speaker 2 But you're not supposed to do it because apparently it's really dangerous. They can have a heart attack and die.
Oh, it's not dangerous.

Speaker 2 Experts who discourage a quote: it's unsuccessful and leads to patient disorientation. Ease them back to bed without making forceful attempts.
Right.

Speaker 2 I've heard that they just get, they freak out, they panic. They might think their life is in danger.
Oh, wow. You're supposed to let them walk it out on their own.
Do this, by the way.

Speaker 2 Sleepwalk, just do sleepwalk TikTok girl. Have you seen this fucking girl? It can't be real.
No, no, no. It's hilarious.
Her boyfriend and her husband videotapes her TikToking.

Speaker 2 Whenever I see something like that, I think to myself, they're acting. That's her, Selena Spooky Viking.
For the video. No chance.

Speaker 2 I mean, some of these are unbelievable. You could just tell she's actually sleepwalking.

Speaker 2 I'm a sleepwalker. I've always been a sleepwalker.
And I sleepwalk a lot.

Speaker 2 So we have security cameras outside, and this is how my night has gone. No, no, no.
You'll see. Look, this is her going outside.

Speaker 2 10 minutes.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Speaker 2 no, no, no, no, no,

Speaker 2 even this one's my favorite.

Speaker 2 You can tell she walks the same when she does it.

Speaker 2 She's naked? No.

Speaker 2 She's throwing beers into the snow outside.

Speaker 2 See, this is how you know she's not. It's just a human walking by.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And they mumble, they don't make any sense.

Speaker 2 Listen, listen.

Speaker 2 Would you break up with a girl if they did that? 100%.

Speaker 2 It'd be a relationship. Ender.
It's

Speaker 2 an end game for me. Sleepwalking, and then I have to deal with cleaning up your ship.

Speaker 2 Once she went outside, I would lock the door.

Speaker 2 You're gone. Maybe that would teach her.
Yeah. She'd wake up in the snow, all cold.

Speaker 2 Dead, first of all. You'd die.
Hypothermia. 100%.
Oh, then no. No, you'd die.
You'd set her back in. You'd save her.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You would save her.

Speaker 2 If you were with someone, Jules, if you were with a boyfriend and he was, he ended up being a sleepwalker, would you break up with him?

Speaker 2 If it's like extreme, then yeah, but if it's just like going around the house, it would depend on it'd be hard for him to sleepwalk because you'd never get to fucking sleep with you because every hour on the hour, the phone is

Speaker 2 going on. I was

Speaker 2 to cut it out. No, say it.
But it would depend how hot her chew was.

Speaker 2 If she looked like that,

Speaker 2 that's end. That's a breakup, huh? Breakup.
That's a breakup. She eats all the pizza.

Speaker 2 Right? Right? She snores in her sleep. You know what I mean? And she sleepwalks, right? No,

Speaker 2 but if she looked like, you know, what's that?

Speaker 2 The Kardashian girl, the Jenner. What's her name? Kylie? Bruce.

Speaker 2 What? No, not Bruce. What?

Speaker 3 Kendall or Kylie?

Speaker 2 Yeah, either one.

Speaker 2 Kendall is the tall model. Yeah, the tall, yeah.
Kendall, right? Yeah. I'd just be like,

Speaker 2 maybe a couple more years of it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you just got to deal with it. Right.
But if she looked like, you know. That girl.
Yeah. Kendall.

Speaker 2 Is that mean to say? No, that's honest. Is that honest?

Speaker 2 You're very honest. Yeah.
If nothing else, it's very honest. Look, also, maybe she doesn't like you.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, I saw something scary on YouTube yesterday where I was looking up

Speaker 2 the most loneliest people in the world.

Speaker 2 Who is the most loneliest person in the world? So there was this woman that, this is in the 1800s. Okay.

Speaker 2 And she told her mom that she wants to marry this lawyer or whatever. She lives in some Victorian town or whatever.
She goes, you're not marrying the lawyer. So

Speaker 2 she kept the fucking girl locked in her attic. The mom did.
Yeah. For like 35 years.
Oh my God.

Speaker 2 Look that up and look at what she looks like at the end when they found her. The authorities found her.
Loneliest woman in the world.

Speaker 2 Locked in the attic. Is this a documentary about this? No, it was like, you know how they have the seven most loneliest people in the world.

Speaker 2 No, you said that like the normal category I find on Yahoo News. Hey, yeah, yeah.
But see the girl on the left? That's what she looked like before. Oh, on the far left? Yes.
Wow.

Speaker 2 So she's like, I'm marrying a lawyer. No, you're not.
And then, boom.

Speaker 2 And then, boom. Yeah, then boom.
That's so. Is that crazy? And look at the picture where the mother kept her on the fourth photo.
Look at the fourth one.

Speaker 2 They show where she kept her up in that corner. And that's the mom, huh? Yeah.
Piece of shit. For like 35, 40 years.
Didn't feed her. How did she live? Well, every

Speaker 2 month she would go in, you still want to marry the lawyer?

Speaker 2 And she's like, Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she kept her in there. And she kept saying, Yeah.
And then the lawyer dies from old age. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
And then she's still up there. That's how women believe in love so much.

Speaker 2 They're one like a guy. If you're like, you still want to marry the girl? You're like, no, I'm going to get out of here.
Fuck, I don't kind of

Speaker 2 give me the app. You know what I mean? I don't give a fuck.
Why do you think? Do you believe in love that deeply?

Speaker 2 Do you believe there's one person for you?

Speaker 2 That's a loaded question. Of course it is.
Because I once heard that like every human being, there's like 33 million people that are compatible.

Speaker 2 Well, there's 7 billion on Earth. It would be hard to be just one.
You know, it's like I was playing the Witcher

Speaker 2 video game. Witcher 3.
Yeah, Witcher 3, the video game. And there was this one moment, I forgot what mission it was, but there was a tree, right?

Speaker 2 And the tree was haunted because she said that her lover, you know what I mean, was going to return

Speaker 2 to her. And he never did.

Speaker 2 So she just died lonely. And her spirit was in this tree.
She became a tree. Yeah.
And it's like,

Speaker 2 I didn't do that mission because I thought it was bullshit.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Fuck the tree.
You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah. That's ridiculous, I thought.
It's an insane idea. It's an insane idea.
Yeah. But like, you know, women believe in like that kind of everlasting.

Speaker 2 Forever. Yeah.
One person, like, they believe that there's only one. Yeah.
You're the one. Whereas if I was an emperor, I'd be fine with like 3,000 concubines.
100%. Do you believe in love, Jules?

Speaker 3 For family, yeah.

Speaker 2 Not for the opposite sex, right?

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 2 do you think there's a person out there for you at all? That's the face. That's it.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 3 But I want to date someone.

Speaker 2 You want? Fuckers.

Speaker 2 All right, kid.

Speaker 2 She's 19. She's going to college.
I know. Well, you had, you know, look, you could capitalize from this show and date another 19-year-old that's probably a fan from the show.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she thinks that like when she goes to college, no one's gonna recognize her. Yeah, they are.

Speaker 2 Yes, they are.

Speaker 2 Yes, they are. Yeah, yeah.
What if she becomes like an asshole and is like super, like, like you know what I mean? She becomes a bad friends guy, right?

Speaker 2 A big fan, he's cute in college, and he goes, Oh my god, are you Jules from Bad Friends? What would you say?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, hi, hi,

Speaker 2 that's an asshole, yeah, what at all?

Speaker 2 Yeah, he'd be like, all right, relax, fucking star. Because I don't know how to interact with him.
Oh, you be the guy. Hey, oh, my God.
Are you Rudy from Bad Friends?

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 I'm Micah.

Speaker 2 And I'm Dave. That's my buddy Dave.
We're new here.

Speaker 2 Are you new here at

Speaker 2 University of California State, Long Beach State?

Speaker 3 Yes, you can call me Jules.

Speaker 2 Oh, cool. Oh, so you.
Oh, yeah, because, yeah, because Rudy was

Speaker 2 Liana, Jesus, Jules. So, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're big fans of the show. Huge fans.
Hey, can we get your number? You want to hang out?

Speaker 3 Maybe I can give it to you tomorrow. I left my phone and I don't remember my number.

Speaker 2 You don't remember your cell phone? Your fucking number? No. Weird.
Weird. That sounds like that.
Wow. How long have you had a cell phone?

Speaker 3 Just two years.

Speaker 2 So in two years? Two years? Great.

Speaker 3 I have to go. My mom's here.

Speaker 2 Your mom's here? You're in college. Yeah.

Speaker 3 I live with my mom.

Speaker 2 Oh, really? Yeah. Because on the show, we pay attention to the show.

Speaker 2 You lived with tito bobby down in los angeles right no he's lying

Speaker 2 davier um what's so what is let me ask you something what's bobby lee like

Speaker 3 he's

Speaker 3 dirty

Speaker 2 okay

Speaker 3 but he's funny i like him cool yeah he's funny yeah sometimes he's annoying what what what's annoying about him Just him trying to put boogers on my face.

Speaker 2 All right, okay.

Speaker 2 What about the red-headed guy?

Speaker 3 Oh, he's fine. I like him.

Speaker 2 He's nice? He's nice. Yeah.
What about the

Speaker 2 Mexican guy who does the sound?

Speaker 3 He's really sleep.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I like him.

Speaker 2 We're curious about him. He seems a little weird.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's just fancy. He's just fancy.
He's just fancy. Has he ever said anything to you that you're like, ew, you're weird?

Speaker 2 No. Really?

Speaker 3 He's kind.

Speaker 2 What about that new guy, Pete, that they've got over there? What's his deal?

Speaker 3 I haven't really talked to him.

Speaker 2 He doesn't seem like someone you'd talk to. Yeah.
Yeah. He's like an android.
yeah. He comes in like a gigantic android book,

Speaker 2 my pad. Fuck, I like that you just get to blow us off.
I have to go.

Speaker 2 Well, wherever you choose, I'm excited to see where you end up going to school. And that's the thing.
We need to make an email. Let's make one right now.

Speaker 2 Drace, write this down, Fancy, that it's got to be

Speaker 2 Iwanabe Rudy at gmail.com. I want to be Rudy at gmail.com.
Email there if you want to submit, and Rudy gets to judge who's going to take over in the interim period.

Speaker 2 If that even happens, we don't even know. You got to live in Los Angeles County.
You got to have your own car, be able to get here. Yeah.
And

Speaker 2 it's a long shot. It's very long, but it could be fun.
And also, I don't think it should be someone who's like trying to be a comedian. I just want someone.
No, we don't want anyone in show business.

Speaker 2 We want basically, and this is why.

Speaker 2 It's a difficult find because what makes Jules here special is, number one, she doesn't really want to be here. She hates this, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yes, number two, she doesn't know exactly what it is we're doing. Same, right? Yeah,

Speaker 2 she doesn't know what the world is. Yeah, number three, obviously doesn't care.
Number four,

Speaker 2 you have to be, there's got to be, and when I say innocent,

Speaker 2 you get what I'm saying. You know, it's like someone who's

Speaker 2 almost ignorant. Not ignorant, but that's also true.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's a little ignorant to stuff.
She thought a car and never saw $50,000 a power. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Her innocence is the best word. And also, do we want only girl submissions? Some guys? I think some guys would be some guys too?

Speaker 2 Well, she was a guy, we would be really harsh on them, though. We'd be mean the whole time.
So mean. That's why if it's a girl, at least it bounces out with female energy.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's some rules that we can't cross, some lines with women. Well, with a woman in here, it gives us nice female energy.
With another guy, it becomes a guy. It's, you know,

Speaker 2 you're going to pick. Are you into that? Yeah.
Are you afraid of losing your spot? No.

Speaker 2 Do you care?

Speaker 3 A little.

Speaker 2 Honestly, if you went to UC Davis and you go, we're going to find a new gut person.

Speaker 2 That person comes in. It fits perfectly.
You won't be jealous? No.

Speaker 2 That hurts. Will you miss doing the show at all?

Speaker 3 I'll miss it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you won't really care that much.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you why, because she thinks that she's going to go off. Right.

Speaker 2 And all these great things are. And great things are going to happen for her, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But at the end of the day, right,

Speaker 2 this is the gift. This is the gift, right? She doesn't realize, though, how cool this is.
This is the gift. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, you don't think that, though. It's like people that are living for the afterlife.

Speaker 2 You know, people that say, like, I want to be good so then I can get into heaven, but you're like, but you, but now is the ex, yeah, it's one of those things. This is heaven.

Speaker 2 Yeah. The journey

Speaker 2 is the destination. Is the destination.
And the destination is the end.

Speaker 2 These moments.

Speaker 2 I'll I'll be honest with you. So, Will Sasso has.
Did you see a post? I'm going to show you a post. And this made me want to cry.
From Will? From Sasso.

Speaker 2 He was on his Instagram, but it made me literally want to cry because I'm going to show you it. I put it on my story as well.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 let me see here. Hold on.
I got to show you this thing. It's kind of cool.

Speaker 2 Oh, no. What did Sasso post?

Speaker 2 Right, so check this out. So when I, so it's on my, he's direct messages to me.
Okay, okay. So basically, it was

Speaker 2 when I was my first year on Mad TV, you know, Will Sasso said,

Speaker 2 so let me give it to you in a second. Okay.
Will Sasso goes, hey, kid, you know, I'm going to this WWWF event.

Speaker 2 Do you want to go? And I go, yeah, I was so excited. Like, you know, a senior cast member wants to hang out with me.
Yeah. So Will used to take him around everywhere, right?

Speaker 2 And he shows me this thing that they televised and i was so young and i was so like green yeah but i remember being so excited and when i see this it makes me want to cry because it's just like this young asian kid you know i mean who's like the whole world's in front of him and i

Speaker 2 and as an older person now i'm 49 now i look back i go i should have just savored those moments yeah because this kid is thinking about the future

Speaker 2 This kid's going, I'm going to be a star.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? You know, I'm going to get movies and then this and this. I'm going to buy the mansion, all that stuff.
And none of those things that I thought were going to happen happened.

Speaker 2 But they happen in their own way. They happen in their own way, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And I had my own journey, but it's like, you know, it makes me realize that I didn't really appreciate all the little steps. It's hard.
It's hard, but now I feel like I want to.

Speaker 2 You have to soak in those moments. And I never did.
Yeah, you did. I'm sure you did sometimes.
No.

Speaker 2 I remember one time I was on Matt TV and Ryan Gosling, not Ryan Gosling, it was Ryan Reynolds.

Speaker 2 He was Deadpool, right? Yeah. Ryan Reynolds was sitting there with Dick Blessucci, the executive producer, and I just sat next to them and we just talked.
I didn't know who he was.

Speaker 2 And I was in my own thing. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 If I would have lived in the moment more.

Speaker 2 and just become, you know, and just kind of talk to the guy.

Speaker 2 But that's so hard to do. But you never know.
You know, I remember one time

Speaker 2 Green Day played.

Speaker 2 And I just was kind of just aloof to it all.

Speaker 2 And I'm like literally sitting there. Were you using at the time? No.

Speaker 2 I was just like in my own ego and in my own head. That sucks.
Right. And it's like everything, you know what I mean? I was just oblivious to, you know what I mean, the gifts that were all around me.

Speaker 2 But it's, well, but now you appreciate it, so at least you respect, you know, some of it. I'm trying to do it now.
I'm trying to take this in. You Right here, it doesn't seem like anything, but

Speaker 2 I really am trying to take this in. This is special.
This is not forever. Right.
And this is something special, I think, that we created, you and I, together. Yeah.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And it's like, I just want to be able to savor those moments a little bit better. Savor it.
So what I'm trying to say. Before you go away to college.

Speaker 2 Right now, these moments right now, I know you're playing with your hair. Doesn't care.
You're doing

Speaker 2 it.

Speaker 2 I'm saying that this right here.

Speaker 2 Doesn't care. This is, you know, this is it.

Speaker 2 This is it. Right.
And in your head, like, I'm going to meet a boy. You're going to meet all those things.
But he's going to cheat on you.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And he's going to lie to you. He's going to hit someone with your car and they'll tell you.
He's going to deceive you. He's going to steal from you.
He's going to steal from you money.

Speaker 2 He's going to date your best friend. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then, and then. And you're going to be crawling back here in your hands and knees.
You know what I mean? Please, Tito, can I do the show? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I failed out of you.

Speaker 2 We've got Simone or whoever is

Speaker 2 killing it. Killing it.
Killing it. She's getting just unbelievable.
She's like, laugh at their laugh at

Speaker 2 murdering. Yeah.
And I also want to say that

Speaker 2 I have a prediction that if we keep doing this and after you graduate from college, hopefully we'll do this for what, another 10 years? I would like to do it as long as we can. We can.

Speaker 2 How long do you think it's going to last?

Speaker 2 Six or seven months.

Speaker 2 I know, but do you think, I mean,

Speaker 2 I've never really thought about it. We've been doing it a year.
We've done it over a year now. In my heart, I would like to do this about five years would be cool.
Five more years.

Speaker 2 And then what happens between us?

Speaker 2 Well, I mean, we. Is there a hatred or is there a...
No, I think it's. I don't want it to end badly.
Well, what I think is going to happen is we're going to parlay this into something else.

Speaker 2 Like, I think Bad Friends will do a tour when everything is back to normal. I think, you know, we're doing the animated show that hopefully will get out to people.
So, like,

Speaker 2 I think we'll parlay this into other things, and then we'll be at other points in our life and career. Let's make a promise with each other, though.
I'll do it right now. There's no

Speaker 2 bad feelings. Never.
Okay. There never will be.
Yeah, because

Speaker 2 we're better than Theo and Brendan.

Speaker 2 We're better than Burt and Tom. We're better than those guys.

Speaker 2 And I know you say you like them more than us, which is a little repulsive to me, but I'm going to let you take the hit because it's like this.

Speaker 2 You live with us, we're like family, and they're outsiders coming in, so it's cool because it's different. But if you lived with them, you wouldn't like it.
Okay. Okay, anyway.

Speaker 3 Tito Bobby's right. This is it.
And thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Very good.

Speaker 2 I can lie, say I like it like that. Like it like that.

Speaker 2 Come on.

Speaker 2 Come on. What? I can lie, say I like it like that.
Like it like that.

Speaker 2 Woof.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Woof.