Sleepwalking Through Trevor Noah's House

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Merch. We got that merch, baby.
Look at that. Listen, the other day I was walking around the house and Jules was wearing, or Rudy was wearing this sweatshirt.
And I saw the back and it put joy in my heart. It was joy in her heart.
It says,

Rudy, put down those knives.

This is an authentic

Bad Friends sweatshirt.

That's right.

And if you want to be cool,

go to badfriendsmerch.com

or if you're on YouTube,

look down below.

There's all the,

on the merch bar,

you can click on one of those sweaters

down below

or whatever else we got there

and buy yourself a Rudy hoodie.

Also,

I'm going to be Salt Lake City,

Dallas,

Houston,

Boston, Atlantic City,

and then a bunch

of other stuff. Go to AndrewSantino.com for dates.

AndrewSantino.com for dates.

I'm on tour. And I'm going to be

nowhere. You're not doing stand-up yet?

Yep. Come see me live, AndrewSantino.com.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Watermelon sugar, hi.
Watermelon sugar, hi. Guy, he loves fruit.
Who is that? Harry Styles. He loves the fruit.
Well. Is watermelon pussy.
Is watermelon pussy? Yeah, because Kalani goes, maybe it has to do with genitals. Watermelon sugar.
You know what I mean? Yeah, well, can you. But there's no sugar in vagina.
Yeah, there is. No, it's.
The good ones are sweet. I know.
I guess when, you know what? There was a picture of like when a mango is cracked open. There's more salt, I think.
In watermelon? No, in pussy. A hundred million.
Yeah, it's so much more. It's more salt.
It's a salt block. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Salt block, sugar. It's like a sugar.
You know what it is? It's like one of those, you know how like Asians that they like to put salt on their apple? Have you ever had to try that? What? You never, yeahala makes fruits. She puts salt on an apple.
She doesn't make fruit, but she slices the fruit. She doesn't make it, right? And she puts sprinkled salt on it.
Do you do that? Yeah. You know what she said to me? She goes, when I came home last week.
Wait, time out. Before you get into that.
In my life, I've never heard of salt on a fruit.

It's not apple.

It's more mango and papaya.

Okay, see, I get like tajin on fruit.

Makes sense because it's spicy.

What's tajin?

You don't know tajin?

What is tajin?

Tajin is like the, have you never gotten the fruit cart?

The Mexican guy fruit cart on the corner?

He puts tajin.

I don't do fruit carts.

What?

No, because one time I was in Hawaii and I was with my Sarah Highland when I was dating her. Rest in peace.
She's still alive. Oh, she is? Yeah.
Oh, shit. Rest in peace.
And we were at the Grand Wailia Hotel. Love.
You've been there? Yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah.
And then back then, I don't think, because I just recently went there. They don't have it anymore.
But back then, when you're out there, there were just some guys selling hot dogs. Just down on the street? No.
You're at the resort. You're sitting there.
You know how they sell like $20 ice cones? Yeah. Which is crazy.
Yeah, but I'll buy them. I'll do it.
I'm hot. But I'm parched.
And so some of the dude was selling hot dogs there. i go i'll have a hot dog and i ate it and we we right after that we packed to go to the airport and we missed the flight because of the hot dog because i literally couldn't um yeah move yeah you know i mean because it wasn't a hot dog what do you mean it wasn't hot dog what was it no it's what do you It's cat meat? No, I don't know.
Yeah. I don't know what they get out there.
What do they have? Hawaii's America. Hawaii's not America.
It's the 50th one. It's not.
It is. It's a part of the Confederacy.
There's 42 states in the United States. There's 50.
42. Oh, the rest of them are like...
Liars. Like Puerto Rico? The Puerto Rico?

No.

Whenever I see Puerto Rico,

you're not an American.

You're not ours.

They try to say,

oh, no, we're a part of the...

No, you're not.

No, you're not.

And Texas doesn't want to be

in the United States.

Yeah.

They said,

we're not...

We'll be our own country.

You know how we knew

Puerto Rico wasn't?

When the fucking...

What was it?

The tsunami or hurricane hit?

Mm-hmm.

Right?

Mm-hmm.

And the president threw fucking...

Remember he threw paper towels at their faces? Paper towels. Yeah.
At at their faces but it would have helped paper towel tsunami those bounty quicker picker uppers are unbelievable the amount of water that you can get on those things i love tsunamis don't you love tsunamis i love me a good tsunami baby oh wait you reminded me when you said salt on fruit yeah my buddy puts in the north uh northeast part of the United States, you know, like New England, they put cheese on pie. Yeah.
No. On like savory pies.
Apple pie. Not apple pie.
They will put a slice of cheese on apple pie. They do.
It's probably good. Incorrect.
You could try. Try.
Trace, next week, get us apple pie and slices of it's supposed to be sharp thick Tillamook cheddar cheese awesome or when you get like a dumpling like sometimes we get dumplings and I'll order a bunch and then I'll like I'll think oh my god there's a pork pork and shrimp dumpling and I'll bite into it thinking it's gonna be and it's a red bean I hate red bean I hate red bean oh red bean the best it's so gross oh fuck you about red bean red bean is asian and let me say something right that's not at all it just doesn't taste good you know what she said though what she goes um last week she comes home she goes and she goes the bird and tom yeah they're just nicer than you and and and Andrew are you being serious? wait a minute you think those guys are nicer than us? no I just I just like their company oh my god you don't like birds birds oh god it's like being and you don't like our company. No, I also like your company.

But you like theirs more.

A little.

Oh, my God.

Go to their show.

It's like I'm a vampire

and they're throwing holy water on my skin.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You really like those guys.

I just see them as like fathers

and you two are like...

Brothers.

Uncles.

Uncles.

What? I don't get it at all. That seems the same.
I think uncles are always cooler. Yeah, yeah.
Uncles are the ones that let you get away with stuff. We're not going to snitch.
They're like the cooler fathers. Ah.
So we're like fathers too, but not as cool. I guess.
We neglect our kids and stuff. Yeah.
Don't rape. We go out for cigarettes and we don't come back for a couple of days.
Okay. So she likes them that's a little annoying i gotta tell you because of how well we've treated you and you know what i just said to bobby what did i do when i called you before we came i said last night uh uh i had a conversation with someone about you leaving and going to school and she said what are you gonna do without rudy and i said i don't know that really my feelings.
I haven't really thought about it. I got sad.

And I said,

I'm going to miss... Can I have a moment?

I said,

I'm going to miss Rudy.

I don't know what we're going to do.

You know?

And then I got really

kind of depressed about it.

And I said to him,

I said,

if she goes to UC Davis,

maybe we can fly her down

every week from San Francisco.

Well, first of all,

she got accepted to UC Davis.

Did we say that already?

We didn't do it publicly.

And she also got accepted to what? UC Riverside. UC Riverside.
What's up? Riverside, home of the river rats. What else? Home of the fighting river rats.
Now, the school that you want to go to is Cal State Long Beach, right? No, Long Beach State. Same thing.
Cal State Long Beach, Long Beach State. No, Long Beach State and there's California.
What? I think it's Long Beach State. Are they the same things? Long Beach State, Cal Beach I think it's but I think it's um just let's just Google it California Cal State Long Beach I thought it was Long Beach State yeah it's Cal State look at Pete Google in a way Pete California Cal State Long Beach wow you're wrong.
I always call it Long Beach State.

Oh, look at there.

Long Beach State is also, it's the same thing.

Yeah, but the proper way to say it is Cal State.

No, because right on the website it says Cal State.

What says it first, though?

No, no, no, dude.

Look, click on Long Beach State.

Look at the actual Google thing.

It says Cal State, Long Beach.

I know, but Long Beach State University Athletics.

Let's move on.

It's one and the same.

Okay.

It's like you and me. I've never heard of it that way, but that's fine.
You've never heard of Long Beach State? I've heard of Cal State Long Beach. I used to live in Long Beach.
We called it Long Beach State. Okay, that's fine.
That's the school you want to go to. Yeah, but they haven't emailed me, so I think they rejected me.
No, that's not true. Here's what we're going to do now.
I want everyone to go on their Facebook page. Yeah, we got a campaign to get her accepted to Cal State London.
Because if that doesn't happen, she's going to go to fucking UC Davis. And then we're going to have to replace her.
That's too far. Yeah.
And so here's what I also want to do is I want to do and Andreas, memorize this. Just in case she has to move.
Memorize this? Write it down. Just memorize it.
All right. Put it in that bank of yours.
Yeah, do not write it down. Put it in that memory bank.
Don't write it down anywhere. Don't save it.
Go ahead. So anyway, she...
We want to hold auditions. To replace Rudy? Yeah, and I want her to be the judge of them.
Oh, that's great. Because she can only judge who replaces them.
100%. Only you submit um an audition if you live first of all you have to live in southern california the la area yeah la county specifically la county la county number one number two you have to bring this is what you have to bring you have to bring her essence you have yes um island energy big island energy.
Yeah, yeah. Number two, you have to be innocent.
Okay. A weird word, but yeah.
No. Why is that in it? Why? Innocence weird.
There's something about it that's like... She's purely innocent.
She's like Sleeping Beauty here. She has knives on the wall.
I understand that, but she hasn't used them. That we know of.
Oh, maybe. In the middle of the night, after a killing, she cleans them off, comes back in the studio.

She's like, good night for tomorrow.

And then she leaves.

How crazy would that be if there was like a night stalker thing in LA, right? And then at three in the morning, because this is what she does.

This is crazy.

Yeah.

And this happens every fucking night.

Don't laugh.

Every fucking night this happens.

So Klaela and I are sleeping. And we hear, like an alarm ring right and you can let it go for an hour she won't wake up it's in her room it's in her room next to her face yeah the literally the phone is because she lives it's a double bed right you know, she has a scrawny body, so it's like right next to her head, right? Yeah.
And she has two dogs sleeping with her. In bed? In bed.
Does the dog sleep in the bed? Yeah. And when I go into the room to tell her to turn it up, the dogs are...
Up. They're up.
Turn off the alarm, please. Please, God.
They're fucking up, right? Wow. And I go, Jules...
This is how she's sleeping. Jules.
Jules! she goes okay and she pushes and snooze but I don't know this I go back into the room 15 minutes 15 minutes later this goes on all night long to what time does this start 1 in the morning why why I set my alarm to one, two, three, four, five, six. Why? Because I don't wake up at the sound of it.
So I need to hear it a lot of times. You got to go to therapy.
Something is deeply wrong. There's something deeply wrong.
One, two, three, four, five, six. Four, five, six, seven.
I would make you sleep outside. If you lived at my house, you're in the garage.
And her room's right next to ours. We share a wall.
Oh, what a nightmare. Nightmare.
Why do you do that? I've never heard of that in my life. I don't know.
Yeah. Well, we got to hold all this to replace you.
Not only that, here's another thing, right? Why do you sleep with three lights on? You sleep with the lights on? Not just the lights. She has a fucking lamp on.
The room lights, right? And a nightlight. Jules, what are you doing? With the alarm.
Because I can't wake up with the alarm and I'm afraid I'm going to sleep in. So I need the light.
She also has a problem. She asked this and you have to admit this, okay? You have a sleeping problem.
Yeah. No shit.
You just told me she wakes up at 1. She has a real condition.
She'll sleep all night long and she'll sleep all day long. Just like you.
No. You sleep 10 hours.
12 hours. She sleeps about 15-16 hours.
Alright, she's got you beat. Yeah, yeah.
What's wrong? I don't know.

I always feel tired.

Why do you always feel tired?

Are you sad?

No, Takayla said because I sleep a lot, so it makes you feel more tired.

It probably does.

Yeah, you should only get like six to eight hours.

I've never heard of that before in my life.

So we're going to hold auditions.

Of sleeping that much and not being able to just like get to sleep and stay asleep. And then when you get to sleep, what wakes you up? At the Kalilah's voice.
Do you ever wake up like this? Do you have those? No panic sleeps? No. Here's another thing that she does.
Sorry. She farts in her sleep? No, she never farts.
I fart. Yeah, but i don't hear she always goes i farted and i go and nobody knew no no no one knew when you fart did the dog sniff it sometimes all the time my dog why just they dart right for it yeah just and the dogs are like yeah what's up for my breath yeah see the is that shit okay yeah poop breath.
Yeah, your mouth in a butthole. When you fucking talk to me, do you think that I have bad breath? Sometimes.
Honestly. This six foot thing because of the pandy has served our relationship well.
Very well. No, dude.
You don't have bad breath. You have nice teeth.
Smile. Look at the camera and smile.
How'd the show go last night? It was fun. I had a really good really good time these doing these shows back as which one was this skyler or was this uh um mark mark uh saratella no no mark hayes saratella is another show but do you do the saratella ones yeah in hollywood outside the houston brothers yeah two guys that own uh this is mark oh mark hayes does the? He's got one too.
They all do them at the west side

at Jam in the Van and then they do...

Then they have other ones elsewhere.

Is there a crowd? Yeah.

How many? Well, the one in Hollywood's like

150. Yeah.

This other one's maybe 70?

I can't really... It's a small outside thing.

It's nice.

Honestly, it's so nice to be back and to be trying new jokes.

Oh, God.

I get called every fucking day now. Just it i can't why it's it's brennan was there last night good comics are doing them sarah silverman was there like yeah like accomplished comedians that one they'll do all they'll do all of them i've done jam with them i've done nova i've done both so sarah was there yeah sarah was there she she did it um rory albanese me sarah uh well last night both.
So Sarah was there. Yeah, Sarah was there.
She did it. Rory Albanese,

me, Sarah.

Well, last night they weren't there, but that was the other show I did with them. But Brendan was there last

night. Ian Edwards was there last night.
Yeah, man.

Speaking of Skyler, he called

me. We should call him.
He's got

like the... You want to talk about crazy energy,

this guy. I can't even talk to him right now.

Why? Are you mad at him?

Well, I'll just... Can I just say something I did the other day to him? Yeah.
call him yeah of course but don't bring it up i won't i don't know if i should say this but say it so we do an a meeting together and um well he's publicly sober yes and he'll do so he's he leads the meetings so he calls on people. Oh, boy.
There's like 20 people.

Yeah.

He always calls me last.

Yeah, to give you time.

No.

No?

No, because you're on timers.

You talk for two minutes.

But I'm saying he's giving you time to think about what you're going to say.

I want to speak early.

People tune out.

Then just say that.

I want to speak early.

No, he doesn't. Well, you say people tune out because you want people to hear your story.

I have funny things to say. I know.
See, it's a show. It's a set.
You're doing a set. Oh, always.
Always. I always try to get to the last.
That's why I think a lot of comics get sober so they can go do sets in front of AA people. Yeah, there's a lot of great comics on this.
You know what I mean? This Zoom AA meeting. Like legends.
Oh, right. That's right.
It's Zoom. Yeah.
So what I do is I'll do this right when he's about to call me to go last. I'll leave.
So did. Like a baby.
You just walk out? I just leave the Zoom meeting. And then I'll text him.
I'll go, yeah, my battery was... Liar.
What is this? It's Theo Vaughn calling you guys out. Again, these guys? It's over.
It's stupid. It's dumb.
You guys want to move past that or you want to play? I want to hear what he's fucking says but what does he say let's play it's like a high school fucking football team going we can beat the uh patriots we already won yeah yeah what do you can't we're fucking the we're monsters what does he say you guys are bad friends get the fuck out of here you guys are both two guys that i told i wouldn't do podcasts with. That's who you guys are.
So let's fucking go. God's fired.
Bobby Lee, you're taking that. Santino, you're taking that.
Bobby Lee's not even awake right now, and it's 4 p.m. in the afternoon.
That's funny. Can you imagine doing a podcast with Theo? Well, first of all, when he said that both of us have asked me to do...
Never. I swear to God on my mother's life.
Sure. And she's the only one I have right now.
Yeah, and me. I've never asked.

He's the last guy

I would ever do one.

First of all,

you would never get one done.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

I don't know, man.

I don't know.

I'm in Oklahoma, man,

doing casino

or I'm with fucking,

you know,

some UFC fighters.

You know how he hangs out

with you?

I'm with Corey Sanhagen.

Hey, I love,

by the way, I like him a lot.

No, he's really close.

Corey Sanhagen is the beast.

Yeah, Sanhagen's the shit.

He's really close with...

What's the kid from Louisiana?

What's wrong with...

Poirier.

Yeah, Dustin Poirier.

Dustin Poirier.

Yeah, he loves him.

That is a funny clip.

I love Schultz.

You two are bad, but you're making fun of our show.

That's funny, dude.

That's why you fucking ran away to Nashville.

How do you know, everyone's... I'm getting texts from comics i love these should we move to austin idiots yeah everybody wants to move to austin no and it's like well there's no comedy scene in la why because joe rogue i love he's the king no he's i don't want to attack him no there's nothing it's like it's like there's so many other acts.
Yeah. Right? And new ones come out.
It's like at least Congress is not dead. The whole thing is so cocky.
In the words of Bill Burr, Bill Burr said it best. He goes, dude, only one of those guys has $100 million.
And I was like, yeah, that's right. Yeah.
Only one of those guys is retiring out there. Bill's not moving, is he? No.
That's what he's saying. What would he move for? Yeah.
He has a wife and kids here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I get why some people are moving. There's certain people we have to convince to stay, though.
Well, Bill's got to stay. Bill's got to stay.
I think, who else? I'm sad that Tommy Segura and Christina Pierre. I know, that's sad.
I said goodbye to the crew. I think Bert's got to stay.
Bert will stay. He loves LA.
Yeah. Guys like Natasha, like girls like Natasha, they're going to stay.
Moshe. Moshe.
Jazza Lonek will stay. Sebastian will stay.
You think Sebastian will stay? 100%. They love it here.
Like what's, you know, it's just the whole idea. Sebastian's house is like.
It's not a house. It's a compound.
Not just a compound. It's an institution.
it's just the whole idea it's not a house it's a compound not just a compound it's an institution it's like when you they have a school in it you know how you drive by like you know a city building you know what I mean that's the capital that's where he lives it's insane is that the hall Sebastian's house. He lives where Gwen Stefani used to live.

Yeah, he bought their house.

You've been there, right, Jules?

Big? It's really big.

It's just so much money.

It's so much money. I don't know if I'd ever spend a ton of money on a house like that.

That's a lot of money.

You know what I would do? I would never even get that much

money, but even if I did, I'd be like, that seems like so much

to buy a house. I would do what Craig Ferguson did.

Yeah.

You know what he did?

No.

If you go to his place, he bought four houses and just enclosed the whole fucking thing.

So he made it his own.

So if you go through the gate, then you just see houses and you're like, he owns all of it.

Wow.

And then you know who else is doing that is the director.

He did, what's his name? He's one of the biggest directors in the world. Christopher Nolan.
Oh, yeah. Nolan is doing, he bought four houses and then just kind of enclosed it.
Wouldn't you do that? I don't know. And then we could all live together? You wouldn't want to live with me? I would want to live on the same land as you, not in the same house.
No, no, we would have a different house, right?

But wouldn't that be nice?

Who would live in our little plot?

Oh, it'd be great.

It'd be you in one house.

Just a couple of canceled guys so we can protect them.

I've always wanted to protect some people.

You are a protector.

Yeah, yeah.

Did you see Trevor Noah's house?

Google Trevor Noah's house.

You know, he bought like a $24 million house? Yeah. $24 million.
Why? Look at that thing. Look at the fucking size of that thing.
Where is it? In LA? Beverly Hills, I imagine. He lives in LA now? Yeah.
$27.5 million Bel Air home. $27 million.
My God. I tweeted, I wrote, Comedy Central is paying.
How come I never got any of that money? I think for my half hour they gave me like a hundred bucks. And I slept at a Marriott courtyard.
I knew where he was. Poor? Not poor.
I was in South Africa. You met him in South Africa? You know the story between me and Trevor, right? No.
so I was in South Africa. You met him in South Africa? Well, you know the story between me and Trevor, right? No.
So I was in South Africa, and he has said this out loud also in front of people, so it doesn't... I feel weird sharing this.
Go on. So I was in South Africa with Pablo Francisco, Jeff Dunham.
We're doing some sort of festival. Sure.
Comedy festival. And every show, it would play, this is right when comedy was kind of new in South Africa, so it's like, every show that you would do, it was sold out, packed.
Totally. Like, you'd do a coffee shop and it was just like, the rafters would be filled.
Like, people would be looking through windows on top, you know what I mean? Yeah? On the rooftop. I mean, it was insane.
And we would do, every night we would do this theater that was like 2,000, 2,500 seats or whatever, every night for like 30 days. Straight? Back to back to back? Yeah, yeah.
It was crazy. Wow.
How much time would you each do? 15? 15 minutes, yeah. Yeah, that's not bad.
But we always had this kid on it. Yeah.
Trevor Noah. Yeah.
And he would crush. bad.
And, but we would always have this kid on it.

Yeah.

Trevor Noah.

Yeah.

And he would crush.

And at the time he was just a local.

Nobody knew him.

No, he would have, he was like known in South Africa because it's like you would go down

a street and there would be like a German watch company and Trevor Noah would be the

model.

Right.

And he, he had this German like supermodel girlfriend and he had um he had money he was like the biggest guy in south africa but he would honor he's the nicest guy he was on our shows so funny and so nice and um i just go dude do you have reps and he goes no man you know I don't know if he rubs so I called CAA for him

yeah reps and he goes no matt you know i don't have any reps so i called caa for him yeah and you got him signed with so i called caa and i called matt blake and i go um there's this kid he's like i'm not gonna fucking south africa to see this kid and i go all right so then like months later or whatever when i'm back in america trev i get in contact with Trevor. Trevor goes, I'm doing a gig in Las Vegas.
So I go, Matt, you got to go see this kid. And Matt went and saw him.
He flew out and saw him in Vegas. And then he signed him.
Wow. So Matt Blake owes you commission.
And then when Trevor got The Daily Show, I tried to get a correspondence audition. Not a chance.
No, not a chance. I don't see you in a suit on that show.
At that time, I needed something. I know, but you wouldn't be good on that show.
All right. I'm just saying.
Give me a shot. Okay, look into that camera and do, let's do it.
No, no, no, no. Let's do it.
No, I know because I remember because I'll tell you why I thought. Here with a correspondence, Bobby Lee? No, I was doing, you know, Larry Wilmore? Of course.
They flew me to New York to audition for that show. Because they love you.
No, so it was the same type of, you know, job. Right.
Like a correspondency kind of a job. And I tested in front of all of Comedy Central.
And Larry was there. But could you imagine? And I did okay.
Yeah, because you're funny. Yeah, so it's like I just thought I had nothing else going on.
You're right. I'm not right for it.
You'd be terrible on that show. Like unless they needed like a tornado.
Why can't they be weatherman? They don't have weather weatherman they don't have weather come up with a different like correspondence weather go go it's gonna be sunny out in LA and there's gonna be earthquakes sell it sell it into the camera no I'm not doing this you would be bad on that'm so shy now. You're not shy.
Oh my God. Are you kidding me? Really? You're shy? Yeah.
I've seen your butthole outside. Anyway, so then, you know, years passed and I thought maybe he just kind of forgot about me.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah.
I'm so proud of him, by the way. And then, I was with'Elia.
And we were at a CAA Christmas party. And he rolls up.
And I remember my manager being there and a bunch of people being there. And he walks into this party.
He sees me. I haven't seen him since South Africa.
Wow. And I remember, I'm not kidding you, Jennifer Aniston was like standing right here.

There was like people just standing around.

And he just kind of walks in and he goes, there he is to me.

And he tells the story.

About him getting signed because if you.

I don't know.

Yeah.

How I helped him and all that kind of stuff.

Right.

Yeah.

And it made me feel like I wanted to cry.

That's really sweet.

Yeah, I mean,

so it was a nice, you know.

And then he got in a jet pack

and took off.

He's like,

Bubby Lee, great guy.

Yeah, yeah.

But what a nice, talented...

I've heard he's a great dude.

I've never met him.

Great guy, great guy.

But I just,

I'm blown away by the amount of money.

He deserves that,

whatever that is.

That is,

I mean,

do you want a $27 million home,

Jules?

If I lived with other people, yeah. He lives with one girl, one woman.
That is, I mean, do you want a $27 million home, Jules? If I lived with other people, yeah.

He lives with one girl, one woman.

How much do you need?

Would you buy a house that big, Jules, if you had all that money?

Not that big.

How much money would you spend on a house?

Not a million.

Under a million?

Yeah.

What are we talking?

Is $100,000 big?

So $100,000 could probably get you... a closet in that house no what a hundred thousand dollars it would probably get you a nice tent from rei that you could throw up underneath the one yeah i mean it would be maybe a porta potty and maybe a nice you get a sleeping bag a canteen a little grill heater yeah a grill heater yeah right and And then maybe like a...
Oh, a MyPillow? A MyPillow. You could get a MyPillow.
No, you love that guy. And you could get a cricket wireless phone that I'm sure you could call some people on from, I think it's noon to six is their only time that they work.
New Balance socks. New Balance socks? Yeah, yeah.
Double layered. Double layered.
A hundred grand. Man, I love you so much.
How much is a car? Do you know how much a car is? 50, much a car is 50 000 50 000 so you're saying a car is 50 000 and you can buy a house for 100 000 yeah no could you get it could you get it's crazy could you get a trailer for 100 000 maybe oh yeah yeah of course you could yeah you could well trailer would be nice no you could live in a nice trailer would be nice, no? You could live in a nice trailer. That's fine.

See?

No, you wouldn't be fine.

You know what?

Yes, you would.

No, because I know that she's a dog lover.

You could have dogs.

You have tons of dogs in the trailer.

She has two dogs.

You don't want a yard?

I don't want a yard.

Where's what state in the United States do you want to live in?

I want to go to San Francisco.

That's still in the same state.

Yeah, that's a little cheap.

Yeah. The city of San Francisco, $100,000.
I think it's one of the cheapest places to live right now. That's four months of rent.
100 grand? Yeah. Maybe.
Three. Maybe two and a half.
Security deposit, you're done. You have one month.
Maybe the last month free. So yeah, you'll get June taken care of.
Yeah. Our dogs are such a problem.
Isn't it a problem? One of my dogs' eyes eyes fucking fucked up and then I think it's internal bleeding I fucked it up you hit it no what I hit with a car with your how is it internally I threw out the window I was driving no I I saw a dog one time in Hollywood jump out the back of a truck when it was moving and it scared me yeah jump right out of the back of a truck did it live yeah i never didn't stick around i had a meeting i saw i used to see i used to drive by every once in a while like a dog on the freeway that was hit and i used to feel nothing not a thing because i'm the one that hit it no what no um Because this is when I...

Have you ever hit an animal with your car?

Oh, yeah.

What have you hit?

I've probably killed about six rabbits.

Rabbits are fine.

What?

Rabbits are fine.

I'm fine with rabbits.

Maybe one cat in my life.

Cat?

That's sad.

That's sad.

It's bad.

I hit a human.

Yeah, I hit a human too.

Yeah, yeah.

Did you really hit a human?

I did.

I hit a guy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I hit a guy in the rain.

Fast? Pretty fast. I was going pretty fast was he hospitalized as far as i know i was gone so i don't know hit run i did not stick around yeah it was hit and run no no i did stay he was he he left the scene i swear to god he was acting real skittish and his buddy was like we gotta go i was like hold on wait the ambulance is coming i called the police i want to make sure you're okay he's like we gotta go man they were kind of uh transients and they had bags and but i hit him pretty hard i hit him so hard his head shattered my windshield like glass in my face i had little pieces of glass that cut my face did i ever talk about how i hit that guy nope what guy oh he was paralyzed from the waist down you paralyzed the guy yeah don't laugh i don't know I don't know why.
Jesus. It was so shocking.
You smoked the guy with your car? I think he can walk now. Oh, he got it back? Well, he has a limp.
He has a limp. He drags his leg.
Oh, he's a dragger. Yeah, he's a dragger.
Uh-huh. I was, this is so fucking crazy.
What car? The Prius? No. This is way back when I was a kid.
So this is in the 80s. Okay.
And so when I was 17, I got sober. Yeah.
So I would go to these meetings and I had this really just white truck. But it was like the windows were broken.
The engine was... It would always explode.
It was like a... It was hard to get started.
It was a fucked up car. What brand? Toyota.

Oh, yeah. What do you mean?

Ah, you know.

So I was at this meeting and

I don't know if it legally... Oh, fuck it.

I can sue it again.

The cops aren't listening. Right.
So I...

One cop. So

this meeting was in a hill. I was coming down this

hill. It was at night and I was taking a

ride, but there was no stop sign.

There was a stop sign, but it was

Thank you. One cop.
So this meeting was in a hill. I was coming down this hill.
It was at night, and I was taking a right. But there was no stop sign.
There was a stop sign, but it was, like, mowed over. So that's when the cops came.
Yeah, but still, I should have known. Because there was another street this way, right? Right.
When I take a right, right? Right. So I took a ride and I didn't stop.
I just went, I just,

I think I just accelerated.

And I'm like this

and all I hear is a spark.

I see a spark

in my rear view window mirror

from the back of my truck

and then I just see a body

being hurled

in front of my fucking car.

It was a guy on a bike?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I,

so you do what you normally do in that situation yeah you exhilarate right and then i hear right which you do right yeah so right and then i go and i just kept going bob i know it's bad where is he now well then I pull over and I look and it's just like, it's like Mad Max. Oh, he's in bad shape.
I mean, it's just like his motorcycles in pieces in the street. I just see this body laying in the middle of the street.
Did his shoes come off? And I did a cackle. You laughed? Not just laugh.
It was like a mad, because I thought, oh, I'm going to prison for the rest of my life. So might as well get it out now.
So I just laughed because this is my life. So I went, like the Joker.
You know what I mean? Like a crazy person. Right? Like a hyena.
In the night, right? Imagine what he's thinking. He's laying there.
He's writing in pain. And you just hear the...
In the background. He's like, kill me.
Just take me out. So I get out and your adrenaline is pumping, right? Yeah.
So I grab his body. Why? Because I wanted to pull him away.
He's in the middle of the street. Yeah, but you're not supposed to touch the people that are injured.
I don't know the rules. That's the rule.
All right, but I don't know. So I pull him on the side of the street.
I don't know why, but I start grabbing motorcycle parts.

You know what I mean?

I'll fix it.

Yeah, I'm trying to build it.

I'll fix it.

Well, I think I'm Asian.

I can do it.

You know what I mean?

You know what I mean?

You can rebuild it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So I'm trying to put things together in the middle of the street.

What does this do?

You know what I mean?

I'm trying to put it together.

And I just remember the ambulance coming, all that stuff. And then you take them all.
Did you talk to him? Did say anything i'm sorry i didn't see you know what did he say the blood the blood in his mouth oh he's gonna sue you so so then what happens is next thing i know oh so what happened that night, because we had no cell phones back then. Right.

So I went to the nearest pay phone, and I'm putting a quarter,

my hands are bloody.

I'm putting a quarter in this machine.

I'm 17 years old, by the way.

Yeah.

I'm in high school.

Yeah.

And I call my dad.

Hello.

He was sleeping.

Yeah.

And I go, Dad, I ran somebody.

Oh, that's your problem. Like he didn't even, like most parents would be like, you know what I mean? Oh my God, are you okay? What do we do? What do we do? Can we get there? And he hung up.
Yeah. That's your problem.
He's right. I hung up, right? That's your problem.
Fuck. Right.
And then my truck was fine. The truck was okay.
Yeah, yeah. Thank God.
I mean, it was dense, but it was always dense. You know? Look at my Prius.
It was in terrible shape. So I went home, and then the next couple years, I end up like every other week just being in court rooms and meeting lawyers and insurance people.
So you got sued? I was in trouble. How much did you...
I mean, did you...

Half a million dollars he got.

What?

From my insurance.

From insurance.

What did you have to pay?

I don't remember.

Half a million.

Yeah, yeah.

Personal injury shit.

But then I found out through my lawyer,

and he goes,

that guy was a bad guy.

Oh, so you should have killed him.

I go, why?

And he goes,

I don't remember this.

It was like either

he was charged with the rape.

Right.

Or some sort of molestation.

Chester the molester, yeah.

He was like some kind of guy that had a big criminal record.

So that was the way I was able to go, I'm okay with that.

You feel okay.

Yeah.

That was a tool for God.

God said, I'm going to.

Actually, God tried to have you kill him. And you just just didn't succeed maybe I didn't succeed in the mission you know how many people get hit on bicycles down there in Orange County and San Diego because all those windy turns I see them all the time last time I was at La Jolla Comedy Store a guy got fucking hit, smoked and died like the Friday before the show I was coming back from golfing with a friend in northern san diego and they had the road closed you know that via whatever that is to get down to the store you know what i mean down to to get out to um what's it called what's the neighborhood that the store at la jolla and um and they had closed the road because a guy had got hit on his bicycle and i it had just happened you know like soon enough where they hadn't cleaned up yeah wow this fucking dude's bicycle was maybe 50 yards away from where the body was oh my lord 50 half a football field half of a house half a house wow the house is 150 yeah it's a car he hit him so fucking hard and his shoes came off that's why i asked you their shoes come off all the time they do people get hit by cars their shoes come off wow yeah i can tell why I asked you.
Their shoes come off all the time. They do? People get hit by cars, their shoes come off.
Wow. Yeah, I can tell why.
Why? Because you're flying. Things come off.
Yeah, but shoot my shoes. When Dorothy was flying in the whirlwind or whatever.
Her shoes stayed on. They did.
Yeah. Look it, my shoes are so tight.
They couldn't, these wouldn't come off if I get hit by a car. Yeah, these would fall off though.
I don't know why your story brought this up, but, and I had just gotten a haircut and my hair was like a mushroom. You had bangs? No, it was like a mushroom.
Oh, like on Matt TV. And I was so mad.
Yeah, but like I was playing a character then. You're always a character.
I literally had this like mushroom haircut, and I remember being so mad. Like even – like they didn't want to go down to La Jolla.
I'm like, I can't go down there with this haircut. And they're like, don't be a pussy, bro.
Right? So we drive down there and it's like night.

It's like 7 p.m. or whatever.

Yeah.

And we're driving down Gerard Street or whatever or Pearl Street. Pearl.
Pearl. Pearl.
Yeah. And there was this kid in the corner of Pearl.
He's wearing a skateboard. And he does this.
he goes

and I just so

I was so sensitive

about my fucking haircut

right

I go Chris

pull over right and i run out right this kid the car right and then once i get to the kid i realize the kid's like six three he's a man yeah but he's a kid a kid but a man yeah he had like he was a huge kid and i but i was like still like i'm gonna die but are you a racist you know i mean you like racism you know i mean like i didn't know what to say right don't be racist please and i kind of walked away if he was smaller though i think i would have gotten uh what were you gonna do punch him oh that's true yeah that's what a waste yeah what would you do to the skateboard get steal a skateboard i guess yeah see you it's so funny as a guy you've never like experienced that type of thing racism yeah well people make fun of me that's i mean they're not the same though i don't think it's the same because i was made fun of because of my personality and who I was as a person.

Okay, but like – Making fun of you because you're Asian is making fun of you because it's something you can't help, right?

Like I have red hair.

I got made fun of constantly for having red hair.

I can't help that.

Oh, that's true.

You know?

Yeah, yeah.

It's not like getting picked on for something that I could service or change.

But do you get – so you get like into yourself like – like, you get to make fun of...

I used to hate it.

It used to drive me nuts as a kid.

As anything does when you're a kid.

Yeah.

But then you grow up and you're like,

I couldn't care.

It doesn't matter.

Once you find how little you...

But I'm not saying it's the same

as someone being like,

that's not the same.

Yeah, yeah.

But we all get picked on for something.

Did you ever get picked on, Jules?

There's this guy in school and then... What's his fucking name? Here or in the Philippines? Here.
What? What? What? Who is it? But he wouldn't... I don't fucking care.
Give me his name. Google him, Pete.
What's his name? Yes. I don't know his name.
Yeah, you do. Liar guy.
I don't know. At school, you know.
You know. He was just a classmate from English.

And then he was. Classmate from English.

Good Google.

Very good, Pete.

Very good.

So go ahead.

And then he just asked me, like, what are you?

And I said, Filipino.

And then I don't know.

I have an accent.

And then he imitated a Filipino accent.

But not out the love.

Now, did this Filipino accent get a laugh?

No, I didn't laugh. It was just to her.
It was just to you. Yeah.
Because we were seated. What did you say to him? Because I didn't want to fight, so I was just like, ha-ha.
So you did laugh. But it's not a laugh, like a genuine laugh's a really fucking you know on an enthusiastic laugh ha ha ha yeah and then i didn't um like talk to him what's his first name you don't need to say his last name i don't know i don't know isaac isaac his name was isaac yeah google isaac from english class yeah so and then you had to sit next to him every day for that year? Yeah, but I didn't talk to him.
He would try to talk to me. He has a crush on you.
That's what it is. That's a clear if he continued to talk to you after he's like where are you from? And you're like I'm from the Philippines.
He's like oh that's weird. And then he went home at night and was like learned everything about the fucking Philippines and got obsessed because obsessed because he has a crush on you that's why he wanted to talk to you this is the loser young weirdo uh what do they call the kids that are uh what do they call the incels incels yeah yeah that's him there he is and look at that pete found him is that him yeah that's him yeah you guys you guys see this guy it was cute was ugly.
Yeah. It's funny.
Think about what you were like at 19. Me? Yeah, the things I was doing at 19.
And all the history that I had before 19. What was 19? Sophomore in high school? Or I mean in college? Yeah, freshman in high school.
No, no, no. College, yeah.
I mean I was wild. I mean I was in college being a fucking a fucking maniac but i was also um i mean okay by the time you were 19 right let me ask you something yeah had you smoked weed yeah had you been drunk before a thousand times cocaine no any lsd or anything acid mushrooms a lot right a lot of mushrooms i only did acid twice yeah i did like by the time i was in 10 i probably done 60 hits of acid.
Irooms. Acid.
A lot, right? A lot of mushrooms. I only did acid twice.
Yeah, I did like, by the time I was I'd probably done 60 hits of acid.

I've only done twice.

I've only done two tabs. I did meth

before at 19. Never did meth, and that's obvious.

Prostitutes I've had. No.

Yeah. No.
Sucked dicks.

Didn't. Never did it.
Never tried it.

You got me beat. Yeah, molested.

Didn't happen. Yeah, yeah.

No, sorry. So imagine

when I see her

every day, I think

That's a nice line. She gets straight A's.
That's where innocent came from. Yeah, that's why I say innocent.
Because you've never had a drink of alcohol. 19.
I did. I tried weed.
When did you try weed? Did you tell Bobby's face? When? When? What? Last year With Roger What really? You smoked weed last year With Roger? How much? Three Did you get high? No Sometimes people don't get high When they first time smoke She didn't get high You took three hits Yeah three hits Did inhale it? Yeah. Did you breathe in your lungs? I don't think she did.
Some people don't inhale and they're like, I'm not high. It's like, well, you're not smoking it.
Yeah. I did.
Roger saw me. Do you want to do it again? Yeah, because I want to feel the high.
You want to feel the high. Oh, you do.
You know what I, Can we get some weed? Fly in some weed, Grace. You know what? Coming up.
That's acid because. Acid's fun.
Because because for the first 45 minutes you don't feel anything

right

so you're like

this drug

like the first time

this drug sucks

and then

and then

I mean

I mean

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I mean

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I mean Thank you. a lot of people want to go to like people always go like let's take acid and go into the desert nope or the forest nope i'm a mall guy yeah i like going to the mall that's cool because i like seeing people's teeth you know i mean and walking around and it's so fucking i everything becomes like cartoony for me yeah see i like that but then i saw a demon once in my room and i fucking oh my god dude i was fucking i had this duran duran right poster in my room yeah of rio you know that that one woman yeah right bring it up so people see what that looks like so i was it had a bad trick i was sitting there and all of a sudden the walls started closing in on me i hate that right and then the rio yeah so dude yeah so she's right i had that on my wall right and she was just like this right and i was like she.
Yeah. So she's right.
I had that on my wall. Right.

And she was just like this.

Right.

She looks so evil.

She went.

And she came out of the fucking poster poster. And she was red with fucking wings.

And she was coming toward me.

And I was in the corner of my room.

My dad come in.

Hey, what are you doing?

Be quiet.

I sleep. Yeah, man.
are you afraid of the real poster yeah yeah i one time i did mushrooms at a concert and i came home and i thought that the mushrooms were done yeah like i was like these are done these are out of my body yeah so i but i laid in bed and i couldn't sleep like it my come down was just started to like it was just i was anxious and shaky yeah and i was like oh so i laid down on the floor right and i remember thinking to myself just go to sleep just go to sleep it's okay you can just go to sleep this this is over you're gonna be fine come on come on get to go to sleep i did this for what i thought was a fucking hours i mean hours i had tossed and turned and tossed and turned and i put on a sweater i took a sweater i got cold i got too Tossed and turned and tossed and turned and tossed and turned. And finally, I stood up to go piss, to go to my bathroom piss.
My mom, who had saw me come in, was still up cleaning up in the kitchen. Yeah, yeah.
She was like, what are you doing? I was like, oh, I can't sleep. She's like, what do you mean? I was like, I've been tossing and turning all night.
Yeah. She's like, you've been home for 15 minutes.
And I was like, oh. In my mind, I was like, this has been all night.
I you've been home for 15 minutes and i was like oh in my mind i was like this has been all night i thought it was hours had gone by yeah and i went and sat in the fucking bathroom i sat on the toilet just staring until my body finally got tired and then i went to bed it was that sometimes they come down from mushrooms i i don't enjoy yeah acid's not like that. Acid kind of ends and then you feel a little for the next whatever.
It's like a meth come down. What's meth? I don't know what those are like.
Three days you can't eat or sleep. You feel like shit.
You just constantly. And then when you come down on it, it's like the worst feeling, man.
It's like you sleep for like 24 hours oh it's terrible you just feel chemicals in your body how do you flush out how do you get rid of any of that stuff i don't know i mean i would do it now by going to the spa probably but you know sweat it out but i have to say about this real thing is is that i don't know if it was the acid that the demon or because you not been possessed in that room room Bobby you were not possessed yes I was you were not did you know about the possessions yes but you were not possessed my brother was possessed as well they almost got a shaman don't see that's what I don't like about you that the rolling the eyes yeah yeah

you were possessed dude one time my eyes flickered back i'm not kidding why are you laughing i don't like your i don't like your tone you're being rude okay fine you're being rude you got possessed no i'm just telling you how did you get rid of the possession is it still with you i'm gonna tell you one time i'm gonna tell you one i'll tell you i'll tell you okay what's so funny so stupid? So stupid. It's not stupid, dude.
So one time, right? Let me say it. What happened? I was in the bed and I opened my eyes and I go, I can't move.
Your whole body. It was a Saturday.
I wasn't on drugs. Right.
You weren't on drugs. No, nothing.
Right. I can't move.
And all of a sudden I felt a heat my chest. And I couldn't move.
And then I felt my mind. I was thinking about crazy things.
Like evil shit? Yeah. Like you want to hurt and kill? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow. Kill yourself.
It just felt an evil presence. And hurt other people? Yeah.
Really? Mm-hmm. How did you get rid of the possession so i just said you gotta get

so i was like this i was like you get out of me and i i ran we had a swimming pool so right by the garage you're right there's a door and it goes right and i was possessed and i you gotta get out of me right and swimming pool was cold yeah right because it was during the winter time and i jumped in the swimming pool

and I snapped out of it.

So every time

with my clothes on.

So the secret for those at home who get possessed is jump in a pool. I might have jumped in that pool eight times in my life with my clothes on.
So every time you got possessed you would jump in the pool. Yeah.
How do these demons not know how to figure out that water is the catalyst? My aunt who died. Rest in peace.
Was at one time, I hear a commotion going on. My brother used to take Bible verses.
What's so funny? It's just whatever happens next. Right, so he, my brother was really religious.
Yeah, I remember that. Right, so he took, and he would take Bible.
My parents would have to buy him Bibles. Isn't one good? No, because he used to cut them out.
He was like, he was like Kevin Spacey in the movie Seven. All over the walls? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He was like, stick them out in there, right? Like Memento? Right, so he would like, he would cut the, oh, this is important. Sorry, we'll pause for the beanie.
He would cut Bible verses out of the Bible. the bible and just paste them on the wall what stuff that he cared about that i don't know what they probably know he just liked the way it looked or whatever okay and he would like draw like crosses on the wall what yeah no wonder he got possessed i don't know i mean it's because so anyway devilish one time i come home and my whole families there whole family's there.
I have uncles and aunts. I have 28 first cousins.
The house is filled. Yeah.
And I walk into my brother's room, and my aunt had three aunts, an uncle, and my brother was naked. And my brother was like, you know what I mean? In the living room? No, in his room.
In in his room in his room right you know i mean his little penis was out no his dick wasn't out this is not his dick you said naked well his dick was out yeah yeah it wasn't hard that'd be weird your aunt and uncle he's like my brother's like you know i mean twitching twitching right and go, is he being... Because I knew what it was.
A possession. He'd be possessed.
And he was getting exorcised. I don't know what they were doing.
They were probably giving him kimchi jigae or something, right? Some sort of oxblood soup or something to get him out of it. But yeah, and then we moved out of the house and it stopped.
When you moved, it never happened again? No. Can we know the address? i can do the road i want to know the address i want to look it up so bad what take i want to look about i want him to look it up on google my brother knows the address do it's ranch hollow road highway california ranch hollow road go to google maps pete and do because i want to see the i want to see the home i'm gonna call my any negative vibes.
I want to call my brother. Okay.
Yeah. I'm on Bad Friends with Andrew right now.
Hey, baby. Yeah.
Were you ever possessed in the house? Yeah. Yeah.
Okay, good. Wait, hold on.
Hold on, Stevie. Do you really think that you had something take over your body? Yeah, there's like 20 demonic, like, Indian spirits, whatever, spirits on me, holding me down.
How did you, were you naked? You were naked. Bobby said you were like.
No, I wasn't naked, but I had Bible verses on my walls and shit. And who told you to put the Bible verses up on your wall? They're whispering holding me down like, you know?

What were they saying?

Nothing good.

Nothing good. Nothing good, dude.

How did you get rid of this?

It was real.

No, that place was heavily,

it was probably built

on some poltergeist shit

like on an Indian burial ground.

DV, how did you get rid of it?

How did you get rid of the...

I had to yell out Jesus

but I only got the J-E. They're holding my mouth.
He was to yell out jesus but i only got the j uh they're holding my mouth he was trying to get out you he only got the je part and i jumped i jumped in the pool right yeah you got rid of him by the pool, yeah. That was one way to do it also.

What was the address?

Do you remember the address?

Ranch Hollow Road.

15944 Ranch Hollow Road.

15944 Ranch Hollow Road.

We are looking it up.

15944 Ranch Hollow Road.

It's real.

It's real.

There it is.

Let's go to satellite.

Okay.

All right.

Thanks, Steve.

Love you guys.

Bye.

Love you, brother.

All right. So look at that.
That's it right there. That's it.
It looks real. There it is.
Let's go to satellite. Let's go to satellite.
All right. Thanks, Steve.
Love you guys. Bye.
Love you, brother. All right.
So look at that. That's how.
That's it right there. That's it.
Oh, it looks creepy. Full screen it, baby.
I don't like this at all. Yeah, yeah.
Look at that. Oh.
And look at that blue truck, that ominous Native American blue truck. Zoom in on the house.
Click in on the house so you can see. Can you click, click? Yeah, yeah.
what do this copy and paste that address and go to zillow that's the best thing you can do because then we can look at the inside of the home copy and paste that address yeah go to zillow.com and then we'll be able to see the inside of them and we'll be able to see how much the house is worth now yeah yeah we'll see how fancy you really are that's what i used to oh god i've all cast the those show the house again hold on one second let him put this in there's a funny story i just saw a little area perfect yeah there it is poway click clack four bed three bath 3 700 square feet 1.5 million is what it's worth now oh wow oh you could rent it for five grand can you click there's no other photos eh sometimes they have other photos that you can scroll through nothing huh why is it why are they renting it out no they're just saying you could rent it out if you wanted to rent it out yeah somebody lives there right now but that that's the satellite view right there you can see so if you look at the house yeah let's go back to go back to the house go back to that okay so right so zoom into the house to the left side you can't really okay so anyway right in between that house and that house so that side of the that side of the house was my room right and see that house to the left yeah and see those trees over there yeah one night i don't know who lived there but there was a kid wearing a cowboy outfit yeah okay okay and he was going making noises okay i don't know what the noises were okay he's going right right and i remember just opening it then i go i was a kid shut the fuck up man i would yell right he wouldn't stop shut the fuck up man i would just yell it out so then I went out he had a fucking toy gun right and I walk up to him I meet him in between the houses and I go hey man I'm trying to take a nap man you know what I mean and he goes shut the fuck up man and he fucking takes the butt of the gun and hits me in the tummy. Shut up.
Yeah. How old was he? Oh, he must have been 13.
And you're 13. Man, I was like 16.
That's a little boy. Gun butts you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I went back in there, my room, and all night long, I could just hear him in the tree.
You think he was possessed? No, but he was just like, you know, there's nothing I could i could do about it you just got beat up we never had anything creepy in my house except my sister sleepwalks and she would fall down the stairs sometimes cute your sister enough she used to fall she used to trip down the stairs so they had to put up a rope by the stairs so my sister wouldn't fall face first down the fucking stairs she would just sleepwalk all the time and then they had to which i didn't i didn't know you're not supposed to wake someone up from a sleepwalk do you know that no if you wake someone up from the middle of a sleepwalk they die they can have like they can they think they're going to die they're having like panic look that up why you don't wake people up from a sleepwalk because apparently like you're supposed to let them wake up on their own because they're really conscious like they're actually like aware and they kind of are half awake but you're not supposed to do it because apparently it's really dangerous they can have a heart attack and die oh it's not dangerous experts who discourage a quote it's unsuccessful and leads to patient disorientation ease them back to bed without making forceful attempts right i've heard that they just get they freak out out, they panic. They might think their life is in danger.
Oh, wow.

You're supposed to let them walk it out on their own.

Do this, by the way.

Sleepwalk, just do sleepwalk TikTok girl.

Have you seen this fucking girl?

It can't be real.

No, no, no, it's hilarious.

Her boyfriend, her husband,

videotapes her TikTok-ing.

Whenever I see stuff like that,

I think to myself that they're acting.

That's her, Selena Spooky.

For the video.

No chance.

I mean, some of these are unbelievable. You could just tell she's actually sleepwalking.
That's her. Selena's spooky.
For the video. No chance.
I mean, some of these are unbelievable.

You can just tell she's actually sleepwalking.

I'm a sleepwalker.

I've always been a sleepwalker.

And I sleepwalk along.

I'm scared.

So we have security cameras

outside and this is how my night is.

No, no, no. You'll see.
Look.

This is her going outside. Ten minutes.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. She grabbed- I was naked behind the plaza! I think this one's my favorite.
You can tell she walks the same when she does it. She's naked? No.
Oh.

She's like a moose muscle.

She's throwing beers into the snow outside.

See, this is how you know she's not... It's just a human walking by.

Yeah.

And they mumble. They don't make any sense would you break up with a girl they did that 100 the relationship end's end.
End her. End game for me.
Sleepwalking and then I have to deal with cleaning up your shit the next day? Once she went outside, I would lock the door. You're gone.
Maybe that would teach her. Yeah.
She'd wake up in the snow all cold. Dead, first of all.
You'd die. Hypothermia.
100%. Oh, then no.
No, you'd save her. I let her back in.
You'd save her. Yeah, save her yeah yeah yeah you would save her if you if you were with someone Jules if you were with a boyfriend and he was he ended up being a sleepwalker would you break up with him if it's like extreme then yeah but if it's just like going around the house it would depend on it'd be hard for him to sleepwalk because you'd never get to fucking sleep with you because every hour on the hour the phone is can I can i say something going on you go ahead we'll have to cut it out no say it but it would depend how hard she was because if she looked like that that's and that's a breakup huh breakup that's a breakup because she eats all the pizza right right she snores in sleep you know what i mean and she sleepwalkss right no I but if she looked like you know what's that the Kardashian girl the Jenner what's her name Kylie what not Bruce Kendall or Kylie yeah either one you know Kendall is the tall model yeah the tall yeah Kendall right I just be like I could maybe a couple more years yeah you just to deal with it.
But if she looked like, you know... That girl.
Yeah, Kendall. Is that mean to say? No, that's honest.
Is that honest? You're very honest. If nothing else, it's very honest.
Look, also, maybe she doesn't like you. Yeah.
You know, I saw something scary on YouTube yesterday where I was looking up the most loneliest people in the world.

Why?

Who is the most loneliest person in the world?

So there was this woman that – this is in the 1800s.

Okay.

And she told her mom that she wants to marry this lawyer or whatever.

She lives in a Victorian town or whatever.

She goes, you're not married to a lawyer. So she kept the fucking girl locked in her attic.

The mom did?

Yeah.

For like 35 years.

Oh my God.

Look that up.

And look at what she looks like at the end when they found her.

The authorities found her.

Loneliest woman in the world.

Locked in the attic.

Is this a documentary about this?

No, it was like, you know how they have the seven most loneliest people in the world. No, you said that like it's a normal category I find on Yahoo News.
Yeah, yeah. But see the girl on the left? That's what she looked like before.
Oh, on the far left? Yes. Wow.
So she's like, I'm marrying a lawyer. No, you're not.
And then boom. And then boom.
Yeah, then boom. That's so fucking crazy.
Is that crazy? And look at the picture where the mother kept her on the fourth photo. Look at fourth one they show where she kept her up in that corner and that's the mom huh yeah piece of shit for like 35 40 years didn't feed her how did she live well every every month she would go in you still want to marry the lawyer and she's like yeah then she kept her in there and she kept saying.
And then the lawyer dies from old age. Yeah.
Yeah. And then she's still up there.
That's how women believe in love so much. Like a guy, if you're like, you still want to marry the girl? You're like, no, I want to get out of here.
Fuck, I don't Tinder. Give me the app, you know what I mean? I don't give a fuck.
Why do you think, do you believe in love that deeply? Do you believe there's one person for you?

That's a loaded question.

Of course it is.

Because I once heard that like every human being,

there's like 33 million people that are compatible.

Well, there's 7 billion on earth.

Right.

It'd be hard to be just one.

You know, it's like,

I was playing the Witcher video game.

Witcher 3.

Yeah, Witcher 3, the video game. And there was this one moment.
I forgot what mission it was, but there was a tree. And the tree was haunted because she said that her lover, you know what I mean, was going to return to her.
And he never did. So she just died lonely.
And her spirit was in this tree. She became a tree.
Yeah. And it's like, I didn't do that mission because I thought it was bullshit.
Yeah, fuck the tree, you know what I mean? Yeah, fuck that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's ridiculous, I thought. It's an insane idea.
It's an insane idea, yeah. But like, you know, women believe in like that kind of everlasting.
Forever. Yeah.
One person, like they believe that there's only one. Yeah.
You're the one. Whereas if I was an emperor, I'd be fine with like 3,000 concubines.
100%. Do you believe in love, Jules? For family, yeah.
But... Not for the opposite sex, right.
Like, do you think there's a person out there for you at all? That's the face. That's it.
I don't know. But I want to date someone.
You want... Oh, God.
All right, kid right kid she's 19 she's going to college i know well you had you know look you could capitalize from this show and date another 19 year old that's probably a fan from the show yeah she thinks that like when she goes to college no one's going to recognize her yeah they are yes they are yes they are yeah what if she becomes like an asshole and is like super... You know what I mean? Yeah, if there was a Bad Friends guy, right? A big fan.
He's cute in college and he goes, Oh my God, are you Jules from Bad Friends? What would you say? Yeah. Yeah.
Hi. Hi.
That's an asshole. Yeah.
What? Yeah. He'd be like, all right, relax, fucking star.
Because I don't know how to interact with him. Oh, you be the guy.
Hey, oh my God. Are you Rudy from Bad Friends? Yeah.
Whoa. I'm Micah.
And I'm Dave. That's my buddy Dave.
We're new here. Are you new here at University of California State, Long Beach State? can call me Jules oh yeah because Rudy was because of Giuliani we're big fans of the show huge fans hey can we get your number you want to hang out maybe I can give it to you tomorrow I left my phone and I don't remember my number you don't remember your your cell phone number? Your fucking number? No.
Weird. Weird.
That sounds like that. Wow.
How long have you had a cell phone? Just two years. So in two years- Two years? Wait.
I have to go. My mom's here.
Your mom's here? You're in college. Yeah.
I live with my mom. Oh.
Oh, really? Yeah. Because on the show, we pay attention to the show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You lived with Tito Bobby down in Los Angeles, right? No, he's lying.
Dave here. Let me ask you something.
What's Bobby Lee like? He's dirty. Okay.
But he's funny. I like him.
Cool, yeah, he's funny, yeah? Sometimes he's annoying. What's annoying about him? Just him trying to put boogers on my face.
All right, okay. What about the red-headed guy? Oh, he's fine.
I like him. He's nice? He's nice.
Yeah. What about the Mexican guy who does the sound? He's really sweet.
Yeah? I like him. We're curious about him.
He seems a little weird. Yeah, serial killer-like.
He's just fancy. Has he ever said anything to you that you're like, ew, you're weird? No.
Really? He's kind. What about that new guy, Pete, that they've got over there? What's his deal? I haven't really talked to him.
He doesn't seem like someone you'd talk to. Yeah.
Yeah. He's like an android.
Yeah. He comes in like a gigantic android.
I have to go. Oh, you have to go? Okay, my bad.
My bad. Fuck.
I like that you just get to blow us off. I have to go.
Well, wherever you choose, I'm excited to see where you end up going to school. And that's the thing.
We need to make an email. Let's make one right now.
Drace, write this down, Fancy, that it's got to be um uh i want to be rudy at gmail.com i want to be rudy at gmail.com email there if you want to submit and rudy gets to judge who's going to take over in the interim period if that even happens we don't even know you got to live in los angeles county you gotta have your own car be able to get here. Yeah.
It's a long shot.

It's very long, but it could be fun. And also, I don't think it should be someone who's trying to be a comedian.

I just want someone that –

No, we don't want anyone in show business.

We want basically – and this is why it's a difficult find because what makes Jules here special is, number one, she doesn't really want to be here.

She hates this, yeah. Yeah, it's number two two she doesn't know exactly what it is we're doing same right yeah she doesn't know what the world is yeah number three obviously doesn't care number four um you have to be there's got to be and when I say innocent uh you get what I'm saying you know it's like someone who's um almost ignorant not ignorant but that's also true yeah yeah yeah she's a little ignorant she thought a car and yeah her innocence is the best word and also do we want only um girl submissions i think some guys would be some guys too well if it was a guy we would be really harsh on them though we'd be mean the whole time so mean that's why if it's a girl at least it bounces out with female yeah there's some rules that we can't cross some lines with women well with a woman here gives us nice female energy with another guy it becomes a guy it's you know right you're gonna pick you are you into that yeah are you afraid of losing your spot no do you care a little like honestly if you we you went to uc davis and we're gonna find a new person that person comes in it fits perfectly you won't be jealous no that hurts will you miss doing the show at all i'll miss it yeah but you won't really care that much i'll tell you why because she thinks that she's going to go off, right? And all these great things are...
And great things are going to happen for her, right? Maybe. Yeah.
But at the end of the day, right, this is the gift. This is the gift.
Right. She doesn't realize, though, how cool this is.
This is the gift. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. No, you don't think that, though.
It's like people that are living for the afterlife. You You know, people that say like, I want to be good so then I can get into heaven.
But you're like, but now is the thing. Yeah, it's one of those things.
This is heaven. Yeah, the journey, right? Is the destination.
Is the destination. And the destination is the end.
I'll be honest with you. So Will Sasso has a post.

I'm going to show you a post.

And this made me want to cry.

From Will?

From Sasso.

He was on his Instagram.

But it made me literally want to cry because I'm going to show you it.

I put it on my story as well.

But let me see here.

Hold on.

I got to show you this thing.

It's kind of cool. Oh, no.
What did Sasso post? Right. So check this out.
So he direct messaged it to me. Okay.
So basically it was when I was my first year on Mad TV, you know, Will Sasso said, let me give it to you in a second.

Okay.

Will Sasso goes, hey, kid, you know, I'm going to this WWF event.

Do you want to go?

And I go, yeah, I was so excited.

Like, you know, a senior cast member wants to hang out with me.

So Will used to take me around everywhere, right?

And he shows me this thing that they televised.