Bear Friends with Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura

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Speaker 3 Merch! Merch! We got that merch, baby.

Speaker 2 Look at that.

Speaker 2 Listen,

Speaker 4 the other day I was walking around the house and Jules was wearing, or Rudy was wearing this sweatshirt, and I saw the back, and it made put joy in my heart.

Speaker 3 There's joy in her heart.

Speaker 4 Rudy, put down those knives. This is an authentic Bad Friends sweatshirt.

Speaker 3 That's right.

Speaker 4 And if you want to be cool, go to badfriendsmerch.com.

Speaker 3 Or if you're on YouTube, look down below. There's all the on the merch bar.
You can click on one of those sweaters down below or whatever else we got there and buy yourself a Rudy hoodie.

Speaker 3 Also, I'm going to be Salt Lake City,

Speaker 3 Dallas,

Speaker 3 Houston, Boston, Atlantic City,

Speaker 3 and then a bunch of other stuff. Go to AndrewSantino.com for dates.
AndrewSantino.com for dates.

Speaker 2 I'm on tour. Yeah.
And I'm going to be

Speaker 2 nowhere.

Speaker 3 You're not doing stand-up yet. Yep.
Come see me live, AndrewSantino.com.

Speaker 2 You two are bears. Yep, he's a bear, all right.

Speaker 2 I do.

Speaker 2 You wanna be fat friends?

Speaker 2 How are you doing today, Bob?

Speaker 5 Welcome to fucking, what is it called?

Speaker 2 Bear friends. Hey guys, don't fix your dials on your tele.
Dials. What fucking year is this? I don't know.
You got to write. You've tuned into the right show.
Get ready to unsubscribe. Yep.

Speaker 2 My name's Bobby Lee.

Speaker 5 And I'm Ditto Andrew.

Speaker 2 Tito Andrew. Tito Andrew.
Tito Andrew.

Speaker 2 I can call you Tito Tom. Okay.
Oh, come Tito Tom. And Tito Bert.
No, just Bert.

Speaker 2 That sounds weird. No, but it sounds very like,

Speaker 2 okay, Tito Bert.

Speaker 5 It's good to see you. You know why we do this at 4 p.m., right?

Speaker 2 Why? Because

Speaker 5 the guy that normally sits there sleeps till 3.

Speaker 5 So that's when he does the show at 4 p.m. This is amazing.
We do our show at 10 a.m.

Speaker 2 I can't wait to do a podcast where you only get 200,000 subscribers.

Speaker 2 Who fucking made out on this deal? I know. The fucking bad friends are all of a sudden on a hit podcast.
Yeah, it's pretty cool. And now all of a sudden we got to fucking lift them up.

Speaker 5 We got to come into this shitbox and listen to this fucking dope out there.

Speaker 2 So is this, should this be like someone's, like, would this, is this where people would shoot heroin at this building?

Speaker 5 This looks like a, this looks like a fucking storage unit.

Speaker 2 It's kind of sketchy, right? Um, I like it. Jesus.
Jesus, they have beaten the fuck out of you, haven't they? Do you have, do you, you can know? You can be honest with us.

Speaker 5 You don't have to be like, it's cool here. I like Andrew and I like Bobby.
You can tell us the truth.

Speaker 2 I don't like them. Thank you.

Speaker 5 That's what I'm talking about. Thank you, Miss Giuliani.

Speaker 2 Yeah, thank you, Miss Giuliani. So, Miss Giuliani, how did you hook up with these guys? I'm just out of curiosity.
Um,

Speaker 2 Atikalaila.

Speaker 2 Oh, wait, are you related? Yeah. Did you just get a tattoo? No.
Wait, oh, wait. Do you live with them? Yeah.
I know who the fuck you are.

Speaker 2 I know who the fuck you are.

Speaker 2 Hey, who the fuck you are? No wonder. I just put the math together.
I was like, she's Filipino. Yeah.
Of course. You are really good at doing this, man.

Speaker 2 I'm sitting here going, Jesus, is she like a fucking kidnapped or something? I know. Like, blink twice if you need to get let loose.
I know.

Speaker 2 She was like, I was in the Philippines. They promised me some modeling work.
They grabbed my passport. Next thing you know, I'm sitting here on a third mic on a fucking mediocre podcast.

Speaker 2 Listening to some fucking ginger talk to a fucking Korean guy? To a guy who looks like an organism.

Speaker 5 Be honest.

Speaker 2 Hold on. Cheers.
Cheers. To bad friends.
To bad friends. How bad is it to live with Bobby? Oh, that's right.
You live with Bobby. Yeah.
Live with Bobby.

Speaker 2 How gross is he? So what time? Yeah, like what time does he get up to work out? Work out?

Speaker 2 Like, exercise.

Speaker 2 He wakes up around,

Speaker 2 I guess, two. Oh, because he's probably up all night reading.
Playing. Playing? What does he play? Like high and go seek and stuff he plays um

Speaker 2 call of duty is it weird to you that a guy that that sleeps till 2 p.m and plays all night actually has a career like and owns a house yeah yeah right does it do you go like that's america like yeah you can kind of be like hey i don't really try but it's confusing but he does it so yeah what do you think's worse a guy who drinks every night starting at like say

Speaker 2 4 30 until maybe 10 o'clock at night, but then gets up and works out at 8 in the morning. Do you think that's more self-destructive?

Speaker 2 Or a guy who starts playing video games at 9 o'clock, eats Sour Patch Kids all night and plays until like 6 or 4 in the morning and then sleeps till 3? Who do you think's got more of a problem?

Speaker 2 The second one. Right? Yeah.
Now, do you think Bobby would be better off if he just started drinking and using drugs again and never touched a video game? Yes. Right?

Speaker 2 See, I think I'm saving my own life. Now, let's pick apart Andrew, okay? Okay.

Speaker 2 Now, have you ever seen a redhead before when you saw it? Not in the Philippines.

Speaker 5 Wait, was it exciting or gross when you first saw him?

Speaker 2 I thought it was really weird. Yeah.
His beard was really red.

Speaker 5 But that sounds like you're leaning more gross than...

Speaker 2 Gross. Like when you saw him, you just thought he was holding his breath really hard.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like

Speaker 2 you're like, the only thing I know is like, like when stray dogs in my village have that little dart that comes out, that looks like you. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 Do you have like a pejorative term for redheads in Tagalog or something?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 5 What would you, I mean, mean, if you wanted to insult him? They've never seen one.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah, but. That's like in America.
What do we call those little animals that put on a cape and then do flips off a wall? Oh, we don't know what that is. That's only in the Philippines, right?

Speaker 2 What are those called?

Speaker 2 I just saw it on someone's Twitter feed. Oh, TikTok.
On TikTok, there are these little animals that put on capes and they're like this tall and they run around the Philippines. Those are dogs.

Speaker 2 Dogs, yeah. God damn it.
It's on someone's TikTok. I just saw this today.
I'm obsessed with TikTok, by the way. You are? Yeah.

Speaker 5 That's a new obsession for you.

Speaker 2 Do you do the dance? What?

Speaker 2 I don't do any of the dances. Not the dances.
What do you do? Why?

Speaker 2 I really like a lot of this knowledge I've accrued off TikTok.

Speaker 2 Like those little animals that run around the Philippines with capes on and run off the wall. It's an animal.
Okay, I'm going to explain it to you, George. See if you can find it.

Speaker 5 Oh, George is going to struggle, but go ahead.

Speaker 2 It's an animal that runs up a wall and does a flip backwards off the wall. How about this? Type in Mythical Animal Philippines.
What mythical animals do you have in the Philippines?

Speaker 2 Like in our northwest, we have Bigfoot, right? Yeah. And then

Speaker 2 in the way, way, way north, they have the abominable snowman.

Speaker 5 I just realized you sit here and you work with a fucking fancy bee. Yeah.
Isn't that rough knowing what they did to your country?

Speaker 2 Who's Fancy B?

Speaker 5 Fucking the Spaniard, man.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 The guy most likely did. Welcome to the show.
That guy. Welcome here.
The Spanish people were the first people in the Philippines?

Speaker 5 Well, they weren't the first people, but they went in there and they. Well, they obviously weren't the first people.

Speaker 2 The best people.

Speaker 5 Yeah, they fucked it up.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Really? Sure.
Is that why? They resent them.

Speaker 5 That's why there's Catholicism there.

Speaker 2 Really? Oh, Tom's Peruvian. They did the same thing to his people.
Yeah. Except his people hit up on the top of a mountain at altitude, and it took those guys forever to get up there.

Speaker 2 And then they killed a volcano. Forever.

Speaker 2 Like 60 of them.

Speaker 2 Killed a fucking country.

Speaker 2 So wait, Philippine mythical creatures that everyone should look out for. Molto.
Do you know what that is? Molto is just a monster. Okay, keep going.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've all got those.

Speaker 2 We've got those. Go on.
Let's scroll.

Speaker 5 Keep going. How about Aswang?

Speaker 2 Aswang? Yeah, Aswang. What's Aswang?

Speaker 2 It's... I think it's just a...
Is it this big? No, it's a lady. I think she's really what? No, she's...

Speaker 2 I think she's a ghost.

Speaker 5 Okay. Okay, how about Mankukulam?

Speaker 2 That's old. Mankukulam.
Mankukulam. A witch.

Speaker 5 A witch. Oh, it looks like a witch.
God, this is. But she's kind of a cute witch.

Speaker 2 I couldn't understand who you were, and now I totally know who you are. How about Diwata? Diwata is.

Speaker 2 Sigbing! Is it Sigbing, a little creature? No, it's not. I don't think so.
What's the little creature? It's called a fucking Chihuahua. What, what?

Speaker 2 Is it Dewende? Is it Dwende? I don't know. Look up Dwende, George.
Get the fuck on it.

Speaker 2 God.

Speaker 2 I saw a real one on TikTok.

Speaker 5 Are Dwende real?

Speaker 2 They say it's real.

Speaker 5 They say it's real. That sounds like no one's captured it on TikTok.

Speaker 2 No, someone got one on TikTok.

Speaker 5 That's like Loch Ness Monster.

Speaker 2 I wish you could go through and see the TikToks that you did. Your wife got me addicted with TikToks.

Speaker 5 She creates the best curation. Dude, some people.
He's in her story. She always puts up the craziest ones.

Speaker 2 I saw John, uh, John Mayer. Yeah.
Let's talk about John Mayer for a second.

Speaker 5 The singer-comedian. Same one.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 He does all of it. This guy never paid him any mind in my life.
I know these friends of Chappelle. I'm sure he's like probably a really cool guy to hang out with.
Yeah, I'm sure he is.

Speaker 2 He's never paid any mind to him.

Speaker 2 His music hit when I was already out of college. Have you ever heard of John Mayer? I know.
He's part of the Grateful Dead. Perfect.

Speaker 2 So, wait, did she write?

Speaker 5 By the way. Well, he tours with them now.

Speaker 2 Okay. I was like, he's dying at all.
He's part of the Grateful Dead.

Speaker 5 He toured at, like, he, I guess, for more recently took the Garcia slot, I think.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Well, that's the only one open.
Okay. I don't know.

Speaker 2 He's like, Bob, scoot over. I'm going to take your spot.
You play Jerry. I'm going to play you.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So, yeah, yeah.
So he,

Speaker 2 I guess he's really big on TikTok. like he's into tick-tock.

Speaker 5 I didn't know that.

Speaker 2 I guess I don't know, but I never, I never, his music came out when I just moved to New York. So like I never, I wasn't, the music I was listening to then was more, I don't know, limp biscuit corn.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's why I never really listened to him. And then I, when I moved to LA, is when he got into comedy.

Speaker 2 And you know how comics are when other people get into comedy were always like, okay, whatever. Yeah.
But he was friends with Sherrod. So I was like, he must be a cool guy.

Speaker 2 I didn't know anything about him. He made a TikTok today that made me laugh so fucking hard.
Can you play my TikTok?

Speaker 2 No, I put it on my my inscript stories pull up my in script stories i think we can play his tick tock on this show right sure okay you ready here's the song i'm gonna play a bit of my song whiskey whiskey whiskey for you i don't have a harmonica i'm just gonna play without the harmonica because like this two three four

Speaker 2 you didn't like it i thought that was funny

Speaker 2 did you like it

Speaker 2 but you didn't you did you get it though yeah no no maybe you should watch it again maybe

Speaker 2 again i'm joking i just thought it was fucking funny all right whatever.

Speaker 5 You said that shit really fucking made you laugh.

Speaker 2 It made me laugh hard as shit this morning. Why? I don't know, man.
I just, oh, by the way, write down. I can be a DJ.
I could be a DJ.

Speaker 2 I could be a DJ. Dude.

Speaker 2 I'm DJing. Hold on.
That's my thing now. I'm DJing.
Wait, when are you DJing?

Speaker 5 I'm DJing a party in three weeks.

Speaker 2 You are not. You know that.
Do you realize that is like legit fucking money? Uh, yeah. And you don't have to do anything.
All you have to do is put, let's put your hand to your ear and go, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And And then one, two, three, four, and smoke comes out. Smoke comes out.

Speaker 2 I have a travel case, dude. No, you don't.
Yes, I do. No, you don't.

Speaker 5 Yes, I have a whole Serato setup. Yeah, I'm doing it.

Speaker 2 A Serato? Yeah. Shut up.
Yeah, man.

Speaker 2 Show me what you got on the thing. I want to see your setup.
Hey, wait, do you know how to DJ? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Bro, I do. Do you have videos of you DJing?

Speaker 5 I could send you a video. Yeah.

Speaker 2 For real? Like when you DJ, do you play mashups or do you do your own just beat and then just play?

Speaker 5 Serato has this thing in the program where it's...

Speaker 2 What's Serato?

Speaker 5 It's the actual software. So the software that you plug your MacBook into, and it tells you the BPM beats per minute of every song.

Speaker 2 So those little boxes with all the squares that light up.

Speaker 5 That's different. So

Speaker 5 you can put drops in there. You can cue things up so that you can have like, you program songs to start at certain points, you know?

Speaker 2 It's a whole thing, yeah. And so how hard is it to learn? Because it looks pretty simple.

Speaker 5 Yeah, it's easy, man. You got it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So wait, this is back. Is this when you started DJing?

Speaker 5 That was right before I decided to take it seriously.

Speaker 2 Like seriously, scale of one to 10. What? Are you a better DJ than John Mayer is a comedian?

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't want to.

Speaker 5 I mean, I heard he's really funny, actually.

Speaker 2 Okay. But that's my question, though.
Yeah, so I don't know. I don't know.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Could you?

Speaker 5 I sold out a party. No, you didn't.
I sold out a party.

Speaker 2 Oh, hold on one second. Sold out how many people? A couple hundred people.

Speaker 5 For real? Yeah, but it's after I do a show. Oh, so you're going.

Speaker 2 And then how much of the tickets to your

Speaker 2 to your

Speaker 2 to your gig? 20.

Speaker 2 20 bucks. And so you're going to do a show.
Then you're going to a club and you're going to DJ at a club for another 20 bucks. So you're doing three shows every night.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And the last one's just you up there.

Speaker 5 And that's going to go until like three in the morning. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, so that's a hard-earned 20. And you're playing the whole time.

Speaker 5 Well, yeah. I mean, no, because they have somebody else there that can kind of like,

Speaker 5 he puts his hard drive in and then he can stay.

Speaker 2 Okay, give me an example of someone that is famous that DJs like you that you can DJ like.

Speaker 2 That you're like, oh, if you watch uh Deborah de Luca oh I you know who who my idol is in DJing Questlove let me see quest love can you play some quest love but then just we can hear it

Speaker 2 do you know how to do that I feel like we're losing you rudy rudy no I'm listening okay it's just I don't know if I believe that you DJ

Speaker 2 why is it because he's overweight no why It's because he doesn't have a full head of hair. It's because he doesn't have long hair? What do you expect a DJ to look like? And what doesn't Tom have?

Speaker 2 What attributes does Tom not have? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5 I'm asking all the same questions.

Speaker 2 And has anyone ever cleaned this mic just out of curiosity? No. I wouldn't imagine so.

Speaker 5 That one I would be more scared of than this one.

Speaker 2 No fucking shit. My lip's been touching it.
I'm a little freaked out.

Speaker 2 This is the one and only.

Speaker 5 He's my idol.

Speaker 2 Okay, so this is the kind of DJ you're doing.

Speaker 2 So this is what you do.

Speaker 5 Well, hold on. I don't know what he's doing yet.

Speaker 2 And they'll say, dj dad mouth dad done all that shit program for real no way i swear to god for real i swear to god and it'll be like two bears one cave one game one game one game one cave

Speaker 2 bad friend friend friend friend friend friend you got it

Speaker 2 see and i have my macbook set up just like that her body her choice choice choice choice choice

Speaker 2 so basically basically give me let me get this right well see here's the thing as a d as a dj fan like if you're a fan of you as a dj yeah yeah yeah then i'm just a fan of the same music you like you don't really create music I don't create music.

Speaker 2 You just like play a little bit of a song and then play another little bit of a song and then do some like. But it's about a vibe.

Speaker 5 So you go, like, what? What's the vibe?

Speaker 2 Like this right here.

Speaker 5 This is a vibe right here. Okay.
It's like a laid-back, kind of like rhythmic, almost electronic. That's what it sounds like from where I'm at right now.

Speaker 2 It sounds like a nice.

Speaker 5 It's like you're in a lounge at like a nice hotel. That's what this, you know what I mean? When you're in New York or a hotel and they have like a lounge kind of going.
That's what this feels like.

Speaker 5 But the one that said I'm going to do is a little more hype.

Speaker 2 I don't know enough about DJs to know about this guy. So I don't know.
All I know is...

Speaker 5 Questlove is very famous.

Speaker 2 As a DJ?

Speaker 5 As a personality, as a musician, as a, yeah, as a DJ, as a...

Speaker 2 Sure. Questlove.

Speaker 2 I'm surprised. Oh, I know Questlove.
That's who we're talking about.

Speaker 2 I know Questlove. I know who Questlove is.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, Questlove was born in 1971, right?

Speaker 2 Ah, yeah. He's professionally known as...
I was thinking of question mark love. Gotcha.
Not Questlove. When you say Questlove, you got to say his real street name.

Speaker 2 Hey, take a look at this. What?

Speaker 5 Look at this. It's like she's trying to catch a bird.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Oh, shit.
Don't you?

Speaker 2 Did we schedule anything fun for them when they're at our studio? Because this is fucking awesome. No.

Speaker 2 Not at all. She doesn't even, I don't think she really knows what she's doing.
I think they told her to do this, and she doesn't know what she's about to do.

Speaker 5 Do you regularly eat those?

Speaker 2 Yeah. No, you do not.
I do. Did you bobby buys them for me? No, you're fucking lying.

Speaker 2 Can you throw a mine? Can you throw a one? Are you being serious? No.

Speaker 2 i can't give you one

Speaker 2 this is a bit this is a no why can't you give them one because i'm really hungry i just came back from school you're gonna eat all of them yeah there's only four

Speaker 2 you're gonna eat four right now yeah how you're so hungry from school yeah i didn't eat the what are you what are you a physical trainer what do you study

Speaker 2 i'm still in high school

Speaker 2 You're in high school?

Speaker 2 How old are you? 19.

Speaker 5 What year are you in high school? Senior. Senior.

Speaker 2 And wait, is this a whole bit? Is she even Filipino? I am. Are you from Guatemala? No.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 This isn't real. This is real.

Speaker 2 This is a bit. I don't think.

Speaker 5 Let's find out.

Speaker 2 Yeah, let's see if.

Speaker 5 Hold on, I'm going to call Centina.

Speaker 2 Fucking. I'm going to call her fucking Ann.

Speaker 2 Tom.

Speaker 5 She loves you. Who?

Speaker 5 I did.

Speaker 5 What's it called?

Speaker 2 What says it? Tiger Belly? Yeah. Man.

Speaker 2 Hey, man.

Speaker 5 Hey, man.

Speaker 2 We definitely haven't started yet because Bobby's late. But also,

Speaker 2 I don't want to like talk shit or come off like I'm not appreciative of this. But like, the Dav answers the door and I say, hey, man, great to see you.
And he goes, let's get this going. You.

Speaker 2 That's what he said to me.

Speaker 2 Jesus,

Speaker 2 what is that about? Dude, he goes, I just,

Speaker 2 I don't get it. I don't know if that's his thing now.

Speaker 5 He's got a lot.

Speaker 5 He's got a lot of pent up, like, J anger deep within, you know?

Speaker 2 He does. You know, and I don't know, he was like, I'm on break when I said, hey, will you help me set this thing up? He said, I'm on break.
And he was in the second room there just eating nickels.

Speaker 2 He was just selling nickels. That sounds right.

Speaker 5 He does that because he thinks they're pennies. Now, let me ask you something.

Speaker 2 There's no way this is fucking real.

Speaker 5 So Giuliani's over here and she's fucking just going fucking ham on these uncrustables.

Speaker 5 Yeah. So, you know, they're Bart's favorite treat.
And then I go, hey, can you throw them one? She goes, there's only four and I'm hungry.

Speaker 2 the kids got to eat though but well well make like make Bart do something for it you know what I mean like but I mean

Speaker 2 but four I mean what the fuck she weighs like 80 pounds she can't she has to eat four dude we let her eat only on the show otherwise she goes back in her cage when she goes back home she doesn't get to eat until we cake so when we film she's allowed to snack and then after we film she goes back in her cage but i will say this make bart do some semblance of a competition to get one of those for her she loves competitions okay

Speaker 5 I'll do that. And let me tell you something else just before I let you go here.

Speaker 5 We were really excited to work with like a high-level producer. And that shit is not happening over here.

Speaker 2 No, it's not. No, no, no, it's not.

Speaker 2 Is it the Mexican kid or the, what is he, Argentinian or whatever? Is he there?

Speaker 5 I don't know where the fuck he's from. He looks like he's from North Africa.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's atrocious. And

Speaker 2 is Pink Tick there, George?

Speaker 5 Yeah, and it takes him fucking 30 minutes longer to search for shit than it takes native.

Speaker 2 He couldn't even search Quest Love. Bobby's right here.
Tom has, Tom's doesn't like what's going on at the studio. He's mad.
What's going on?

Speaker 5 Dude, it's terrible. I mean, fucking Rudy won't share her snacks.

Speaker 5 Fucking the fancy B is, he's just like, he's holding his pinky up when he talks to us. Like, he's real fancy.
And then George is terrible at everything that a producer would do.

Speaker 2 Okay, can I just say this? Yeah. At least we didn't have to drive nine hours to get to the fucking studio, you piece of but your studio sucks hey this studio is like three blocks from my house

Speaker 2 all right you owe me gas money you

Speaker 2 i'm sick my dog almost died today you piece of i have to drive all the way out of you i'm sick if you ever talk to me like that again you have another thing coming

Speaker 2 all right bye bye all right bye Jesus guys that went well yeah that went really well I feel like we solved a lot of issues by the way I wish Nadab was like his genuine county self to them like genuinely like the way you get attitude from him and you go I don't think you meant to say it that way.

Speaker 2 And he just has his mask on and it's up on his eyes because he's overweight and he's just breathing and his glasses are all foggy.

Speaker 5 He got vaccinated because he's so fat.

Speaker 2 Are you serious? Yeah.

Speaker 5 They have a thing if you're like morbidly obese, you do a thing online and you can get it.

Speaker 5 So he got it and he was like bragging about it, you know, like he's like, oh, I'm so fat that I can get vaccinated. God, I wish.
So then I wish.

Speaker 2 By the way, I look jacked just in my arms for real, right?

Speaker 5 Super jacked.

Speaker 2 Like just, I mean, this is like

Speaker 2 crazy. When you see this, you're 19.
I have a hard time talking to her right now. Can I, I'll ask for him.

Speaker 5 Do you feel like

Speaker 5 that's a nice bod?

Speaker 2 Nope. I don't even want to know the answer.
I just eat your uncrossable. It's a big arm.
It's a big arm. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah, you're 19. You're around high schoolers all day.
Yeah. Do you feel like it's a dad bod? Yeah.
But like

Speaker 2 a respectable one. Yeah.

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Speaker 2 Chronic spontaneous urticaria or chronic hives with no known cause. It's so unpredictable.
It's like playing pinball.

Speaker 2 Itchy red bumps start on my arm, then my back,

Speaker 2 sometimes my my legs. Hives come out of nowhere,

Speaker 2 and it comes and goes. But I just found out about a treatment option at treatmyhives.com.
Take that, chronic hives. Learn more at treatmyhives.com.

Speaker 2 How did you end up moving in with Bobby? And

Speaker 2 when they said you can move in with my boyfriend, he's a movie star. You were like, whoa, Jet Lee?

Speaker 2 No, I didn't really know him, so I didn't care.

Speaker 5 You didn't know him at all?

Speaker 2 No. Like you'd never heard of him or anything.
How bad are the Philippines that you moving with Bobby's better?

Speaker 2 That's a pretty good question. I guess.

Speaker 2 Did you live in the Philippines and then came here to live with Bobby? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And how long ago did you move here?

Speaker 2 Last year. Last year.

Speaker 5 So did you only have a year left in the Philippines or no?

Speaker 2 Yeah, a year left.

Speaker 2 Jesus.

Speaker 2 We need to get more children on our set.

Speaker 5 Yeah. Are you opening a third?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Are you fucking serious? This isn't real.
How often do you do this? This is real. I'm hungry.
Every day you do this? Every day you eat four uncrustables?

Speaker 2 You would have been perfect for our show.

Speaker 2 Like Krispy Kreme donuts.

Speaker 5 How many donuts can you go through, like a Krispy Kreme?

Speaker 2 Six. You can just rip through six.

Speaker 2 You want to fuck up some donuts? Because Georgia run down to yum yums. Yeah.
It's right down the street.

Speaker 5 Did you eat dinner? Will you eat dinner?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I will. What will you have, you think?

Speaker 2 Eggs and rice.

Speaker 5 Eggs and rice. Keeping it real fucking old.

Speaker 2 Oh my god, do you know what I had the other day?

Speaker 5 Motherland fucking dessert, huh?

Speaker 2 Do you know what I had the other day? What's that? I took

Speaker 2 pasta in fried egg.

Speaker 2 The greatest fucking thing I've ever had in my life. You never had that before? Never had it in my life, and I will have it every day now.
I just made a big, I made a big thing of angel hair pasta.

Speaker 5 And you put that in a pan?

Speaker 2 I take the pasta and it's cold it's out of the fridge and i it's got butter in it and garlic little capers a little bit of lemon and i kind of let it i toss it a little bit just get it warm and then i run it like a circle around it like put a circle like a toilet and then i put a egg in the center and then close the top put uh parmesan on top of it wait do you but do you mix up the egg no you just let it sunny side up sunny side up it's the best thing i've ever had and then stack the yolk when you're done so then i put it on a plate and i uh

Speaker 2 and then I very slowly, I take my time with it. I've never taken my time with anything.

Speaker 2 I have a little pasta, I put it in a little squirrel, and then I break the egg yolk and I have the egg yolk in the center and I dip it in the egg yolk, take a bite.

Speaker 5 Dude, it's the best thing.

Speaker 5 You're making me fucking hungry right now. It's one of the best things.
I feel like I could eat fucking four uncrustables right now.

Speaker 2 I could

Speaker 2 fuck it up.

Speaker 2 I've never enjoyed something more. What's like a typical breakfast in the Philippines? Eggs and rice.

Speaker 2 But scrambled eggs and rice? Or like I wouldn't mind,

Speaker 2 but I wouldn't mind. Yeah, fried.
A fried egg on top of some rice.

Speaker 5 Oh, and like, you guys have hot, hot sausage. My Filipino friend brought over, went to a store and brought over these like Filipino sausages, too.

Speaker 2 Oh, you're from the Philippines. Do you wipe your ass with your hand?

Speaker 2 Leaves. Leaves.
Ah, Joe, Joe. Yeah.
See, I wipe my ass with my fingers sometimes. Hold on.
Don't look at me. You just said leaves.

Speaker 2 She just went like this.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 So, wait, so i joe the what's the bowl in the philippine that everyone has it's called a called a

Speaker 2 bowl not a bowl

Speaker 2 no

Speaker 2 no no no joe koi sells them on his website they're like

Speaker 2 what are they called um taboo

Speaker 2 cabo cabo not tabo

Speaker 2 can you imagine if i did that to you

Speaker 2 you're like you want coffee i go that's coffee coffee said coffee

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Jokoi has something, and I thought it goes by your toilet, and you dip your fingers in it and wipe your ass, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, some people do that. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Wait, but do you still use leaves when you're here?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 She goes, she's going outside. Hey, where are you going?

Speaker 5 Why not, though? Why not get a bunch of leaves and then bring them in?

Speaker 2 Because there's a nice bathroom inside. Oh, okay.

Speaker 5 Why don't you ask him? Jesus.

Speaker 2 I don't mind. What kind of leaves? I wouldn't mind trying a leaf.

Speaker 5 Yeah, what kind of leaf?

Speaker 2 Any kind of leaf, as long as it's like brown and big, because you don't want thin.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you? Can I tell you already?

Speaker 5 So then you get dookie on your hand.

Speaker 2 Can I already tell you? Yeah. When she said leaves, I assumed it was a handful of leaves, like small tiny leaves.
Yeah. And you just kind of just were like, I just hope not to get it on my finger.

Speaker 2 And then you said big, I went, yeah, that makes more sense. Yeah.
I'd go out to the fucking bird of paradise.

Speaker 5 The leaves are for an outdoor dookie, though, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Oh, you know, go out, get some leaves, come back in.
Yeah. I would.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Taco Bell or Taco Bell just got a brand new. Um they have leaves.
No, they got a brand new, you're gonna get a lot of leaves for this Taco Bell. They just got a brand new cheese, cheese lupa,

Speaker 2 falupa. What is it? Taco Bell's got a brand new thing.
I don't know. Ask the fancy bee.

Speaker 2 Fancy bee.

Speaker 2 Just type in Taco Bell and then news.

Speaker 2 Quesalupa.

Speaker 2 Quesalupa. It's only

Speaker 2 610 calories.

Speaker 5 That looks like a a fucking just attack, man.

Speaker 2 The quesalupa. That's some fucking bullshit.
Right, Fancy Boot? I haven't had it anymore. Yeah, that thing is shit.

Speaker 5 I mean, is that even a hold on, hold on, hold on one second.

Speaker 2 Are you proclaiming that thing as shit, or should we try it and decide if that thing is shit?

Speaker 2 I'm proclaiming it. You're proclaiming it? Yep.

Speaker 5 This is a guy who knows.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 7 I know my tacos.

Speaker 2 Did you say tacos?

Speaker 5 The word is tacos.

Speaker 2 Tacos. We're very specific about accents on our show.
Yeah. Isn't that fun? Name a country.
I'll do an accent.

Speaker 5 Oh, this is a fun game. Go ahead.

Speaker 7 Argentina.

Speaker 2 Argentina. There you go.

Speaker 2 Really good. Okay.
Okay, I'll get ready. I'll say it.

Speaker 2 No, no, hold on. I'll do a full sentence.
Hi, I am from Argentina. I'm so sorry my cow got into your yard.
However, let me grab my bolioderos. I will catch him, bring him back over to my house.

Speaker 2 I'll make a little bit of that green stuff I like to make and put on my meat.

Speaker 2 And then we will have have some Ardentinian beef. All right, next one.
France. France.

Speaker 2 Hello, we, monsieur. I'm so sorry I gave you herpes.

Speaker 2 I was smoking and I could not talk properly as I drank my wine and came on your teeth. Oui we, monsieur.
Very good. How about Australia? Okay.
All right, mate.

Speaker 2 Let me get these Aborigines out of here. Get my kangaroo.
And I'll catch this crookie. And I'm going to throw it in the back of my big truck.

Speaker 5 You're nailing it to the keep going.

Speaker 7 Germany.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I'm from Germany. I like to be tied up and shit on.

Speaker 2 That is my thing, because I am from Germany.

Speaker 5 Kind of fading off there, but yeah, it was good.

Speaker 2 You first said first three.

Speaker 7 Greenland.

Speaker 2 Greenland?

Speaker 2 Hello.

Speaker 2 I am from Greenland.

Speaker 2 Very nice to have you in my country. Lot of people assume that Iceland has green stuff, and Greenland has Ice Top, but it's not that way.
I'm from Greenland. Would you like a piece of whale?

Speaker 2 Keep going. Russia.

Speaker 2 So, hello, I am Russian. Are you the machine? You are? Okay.

Speaker 2 I think my accent's falling apart back to France. I think I'm going back to France.

Speaker 2 Nailing it. Nailing it.
Korea. Korea? I'm not going to do that one.

Speaker 2 Do it in honor of me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Hi, I'm Bobby. Bobby Lee.
Take my shirt off. I have a small dick.
All right.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't do. I only do white people accents because it's racist to do other than that.
I think. Right.
Is that how that works? Yeah. Wait.
So you, oh,

Speaker 5 do you give them permission?

Speaker 2 Can you do you do a...

Speaker 5 We give them permission to do it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I give you permission. You're not Korean.
Filipino. Okay.
Filipino.

Speaker 2 Is that it? Does that sound like it? No. No.

Speaker 2 Okay. Ready? You do my accent to me.
Okay.

Speaker 2 And just word for word. Really, really try to make it sound like me, okay? Okay.
Hi, I'm Burt Kreischer.

Speaker 2 Again.

Speaker 2 Hi.

Speaker 2 Let's go word for word. And then we'll piece the sentence together.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This will be good.
Okay, ready?

Speaker 5 This is a good idea.

Speaker 2 Ready? Hi.

Speaker 2 Hi.

Speaker 2 I'm Bert Kreischer. I'm Burt Kreischer.
Wow. That was really good.
That was really fucking good.

Speaker 5 That was really good.

Speaker 2 That was really good.

Speaker 5 Okay. Okay, ready? Keep going.

Speaker 2 Ready? Okay.

Speaker 5 And

Speaker 5 I have AIDS.

Speaker 2 I have AIDS.

Speaker 2 Well, if that's not memeable, I don't know what is.

Speaker 5 Yeah, that's pretty good.

Speaker 2 That was pretty fucking great. That was really great.
Do you want this? Do you throw it?

Speaker 2 Okay. I would love it.

Speaker 2 So are you familiar with who either of us are?

Speaker 2 No. Oh.

Speaker 2 How do you say thank you in Filipino? Salamat. Salamat.
With a T. Salamat.

Speaker 5 Salam alaikum.

Speaker 2 As-salamu alaikum.

Speaker 2 I don't know that. Is it from Salamat? Is that

Speaker 2 the same, same?

Speaker 2 Are you Catholic?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Me too.
What are you doing for Easter? Nothing. You're not going to pray? No.
You're not going to go to church? No. He is risen.

Speaker 2 We just don't do that jesus

Speaker 2 these are nice and cold too

Speaker 2 kataya

Speaker 2 she's three deep already watch this yeah wait wait wait look at this

Speaker 2 american

Speaker 5 yeah you're american all right all right all right i've been sleeping like shit really bad yeah

Speaker 5 i need to fucking call bobby and figure out how to do it right because i've been getting up to pee at like 334 3.34 and I don't go back to sleep. I stay awake.

Speaker 5 Stay awake till like 6.30 and then get up.

Speaker 2 With panic attacks?

Speaker 5 No, but just like my mind runs and then, you know, I've been getting pretty high like with edibles to go to sleep. I think I'm getting too high.

Speaker 2 Like I'm, I'm like buzzing. See, that's what I'm afraid of.
I'm afraid I'm gonna, that's why I'm afraid to take edibles.

Speaker 2 Because I'm afraid I'll take it and then wake up with searing anxiety attacks. Hmm.
That could happen. I was already wake up with anxiety attacks.
If I drink, I wake up with anxiety attacks.

Speaker 2 If you drink?

Speaker 5 So, don't you happen pretty often?

Speaker 2 I didn't quit drinking, but I just stopped for a while because I was like, this is killing me. But you didn't use drink the other night? Yeah, last night, but

Speaker 2 I'm not drinking tonight.

Speaker 5 Okay, but you have anxiety last night then?

Speaker 2 Yeah, in the middle of the night.

Speaker 5 What time?

Speaker 2 Searing anxiety.

Speaker 5 Like, really?

Speaker 2 Like four in the morning. And I go, I go to, I go, don't look at your watch.
Don't look at your watch. Don't look at your watch.
And then I look at my watch. I'm like,

Speaker 2 I swear to God, there should be a game show. What's your anxiety about? Death.
Death?

Speaker 2 I'm fucking my life up and I'm dying.

Speaker 5 From what?

Speaker 2 Just drinking too much and partying and not eating right. Can I have another one, by the way? Are you going to eat it?

Speaker 2 You ate three fucking uncrustables? Yeah.

Speaker 5 Does she really do this all the time?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Jesus.

Speaker 5 That's unbelievable.

Speaker 2 I need like, I'm like thirsty, thirsty today. You are? What do you want?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, I'll take a water. I'll take both of them.

Speaker 2 I have a problem with excess. Have you ever gotten drunk before? Yeah.
Oh, for real? What's the drinking age in the Philippines? Any age.

Speaker 5 Any age. Just get down.

Speaker 5 What was the first time you got drunk? How old were you?

Speaker 2 12. No, not drunk, but I.

Speaker 2 You drank at 12? I drank at 12, but I got drunk at 16.

Speaker 2 Do you have any questions you'd like to ask me?

Speaker 2 Do you know who I am?

Speaker 2 You're a comedian? Yes.

Speaker 2 Do you know which one's Bert and which one's Tom? You're a Tito Burt. You're a Tito.
Yeah. Okay.
I love that Tito shit.

Speaker 5 Do you you um have you ever seen him do stand-up no

Speaker 5 you ever watch stand-up um a little who do you like to watch i like

Speaker 2 wait john mulaney oh yeah yeah yeah everyone does like give us someone that like no one likes yeah i mean jesus and jokoy

Speaker 2 hey do you for real

Speaker 2 Jokoy,

Speaker 2 he's fucking hilarious. All right, he also sells stadiums out.
Let's give us like, give us like a fucking obscure one.

Speaker 2 You're like, oh, you know who I really like, which I didn't think you'd know about, is

Speaker 2 do you like Bobby Stand Up?

Speaker 2 I don't watch. Do you like Andrew's Stand Up? I don't watch.

Speaker 2 I don't watch any of their stand-ups.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I think you, by the way, you made the right choice.

Speaker 5 Hey, did you like

Speaker 5 My Recommendation in and of itself?

Speaker 2 Ooh.

Speaker 2 On Hulu?

Speaker 2 Could not sit through it. Why not? What was the point of it?

Speaker 5 That's an interesting question.

Speaker 5 What do you think the point of it was?

Speaker 2 I'm shy. It had to be had to have a really great secret ending where he was related to everyone.
Secret ending. Or something.
Had to have something because I was, I don't mean to shit on it.

Speaker 2 I'm sure that guy's extremely talented. He is.
He is.

Speaker 2 But here's the other thing:

Speaker 5 I did a podcast with him.

Speaker 2 I know, I saw that. And then I was like, and you're like, I don't want to give away your show.
And so I was like, okay, it's going to be a good show. I started watching it with Leanne.

Speaker 2 And Leanne saw Ja cunt. Do you guys know the word cunt in the Philippines?

Speaker 2 What is it? We can say pisti or putangina. Putang ninga? Putang ninga.
Putang ina. Putanginna.
Putangina.

Speaker 5 And that's the fucking Spics did that. They came there and they came in.

Speaker 2 He can say that he's Spanish.

Speaker 5 I hope you don't think I'm apologizing for Spic.

Speaker 2 And I'm his friend. I can say it too.

Speaker 2 Leanne just goes, I don't get it. Like five minutes in.

Speaker 5 Five minutes in.

Speaker 2 And so now I'm like, she's because it takes a little longer because he's like, this is the cross sign of the cross whatever yeah yeah and so and leanne's like i don't get it where's this going where's this going and i'm like hey can you stop please because i'm trying to enjoy it she's like okay yeah that's how to ruin it yeah and then she's like it's slow and i was like babe it's not slow it's just he's building to something yeah and then i'm rooting for him i'm like please do something big oh yeah and then 45 minutes in 47 minutes in he's still kind of done anything big and i'm like i'm he brings It was interesting when he's like, all right, could the person that was here at the last show stand up?

Speaker 2 And then that person stands up. You'll be here tomorrow.
You don't know what's going on. They don't know what's going on.
It's like building to something. I'll watch the second half.

Speaker 2 It was just at 47 minutes. I was sober and I was like, it needs to speed up.
Okay. Like, there's not a lot of action.
And then I'm like, I'm definitely not watching settle, settle, settle.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, no, because I'm like, I don't can't trust your fucking

Speaker 2 recommendations.

Speaker 5 You shouldn't see the feedback on my recommendations.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Yes. Have you guys seen In and Of Itself? Yeah.
Fancy Beat. Did you like it?

Speaker 4 I loved it.

Speaker 2 How the fuck?

Speaker 5 Bro, listen to me.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 You

Speaker 5 saying that you didn't get it and tapped out is an endorsement of the show.

Speaker 5 And 000 is unbelievable.

Speaker 2 It is unbelievable. So you think the guy that did in and of itself watched it and he goes, yeah, I didn't want you to watch it.

Speaker 5 No, I don't think he said that at all.

Speaker 5 He's a really, really nice, interesting person.

Speaker 2 Very nice. But by the way, his face doesn't change in a podcast or that show.
Yeah. Yeah, it's almost like

Speaker 2 he's got his shit, but he doesn't know where the bathroom is. Like he's like this.

Speaker 5 He would laugh at that. I'm assuming he would laugh at that.

Speaker 2 I saw him on the podcast. And as soon as I saw him on the podcast, I go, all right, I'm watching it in and of itself.
Yeah. And I start watching it.

Speaker 2 And it's, I mean, he's good like with the card stuff. It was really good.
Yeah. But I need something big.
Okay. I'll watch it.
There's big stuff. I'll tell you what.
I'll watch the rest of it tonight.

Speaker 2 I'll give you a feedback tomorrow on our podcast. And now, just so you know, 000

Speaker 2 is,

Speaker 5 we're not talking about the same type of thing at all. That is a crime saga, insane story.
Eight episodes, that's it. They're only doing one season.
They spent $165 million on eight episodes.

Speaker 2 For real. Yeah.
It better look like $165 million.

Speaker 5 Hey, man, this is a shit show.

Speaker 2 It's so rude.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 What's the problem?

Speaker 5 Everything's a problem. The fucking

Speaker 5 chairs, goddamn Rudy, your staff.

Speaker 2 You know, I come in here, dude. I i come in here dude right speak english speak english go ahead

Speaker 2 oh that's very funny i come here right and i say hi to the

Speaker 2 the the larger guy that works here uh-huh i can do it whatever that the guy

Speaker 2 yeah the circle right and then i come in here i say hey nabad right right to the guy other guy the jew right so nice even though i was 20 minutes late so nice right 30 minutes late right what are you doing over there that woman that in there her name is jules she's she's my my daughter, pretty much.

Speaker 2 They're trying to steal her food.

Speaker 2 That's crazy.

Speaker 5 Hey, and guess what?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 5 Bert took one of her own crustables.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. Let me talk to Jules.
Okay.

Speaker 2 That's like the old. That's like so low.
Did the Bobby?

Speaker 2 How are they?

Speaker 2 They're really kind. Talk like a white person.

Speaker 2 Hi, Roddy. Hi, Roddy.
Get out of there, Bobby. Hi.

Speaker 2 Hi, Bobby.

Speaker 2 Hey, Bobby, everything is good. Everything is good.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. She's fucking bodybuilding.

Speaker 2 Okay, bye, Tito Bobby. Hey.
Hey, hey. Tito Bobby.

Speaker 2 Hey, I got to tell you something. Hung up on him.

Speaker 2 Oh, that was fun. Oh, Tito Bobby, yeah?

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Speaker 2 Rules and restrictions apply. That thing's just staring at me.
Yeah, you really, I can, I can tell you. Fuck up some Taco Bell.

Speaker 2 I don't, because I don't feel like eating on a podcast counts as calories. It doesn't.

Speaker 2 And plus you worked out today. I ran five miles, five and a half miles.
Do you think I could run the LA marathon?

Speaker 2 Maybe. I did.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's a good trick question for someone.

Speaker 2 Does it look like I do triath-ons?

Speaker 2 I do.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I work out like crazy. I just, it doesn't show.
Like, my body doesn't show it.

Speaker 5 Oh, the arms show. Those arms are no joke.

Speaker 2 Let's see. How much do you curl? I have no idea.
Like 50 pounds.

Speaker 5 50 pounds in each arm.

Speaker 2 20 times. 20 times.
That's cool.

Speaker 5 How's that deadlift going?

Speaker 2 305.

Speaker 5 Just like that. First time.

Speaker 2 First time for 305. And then right now I do 60% of that weight 12 times, four different sets.
And then I do 75% of that weight six times, 12 different sets, or six times,

Speaker 2 four different sets. Look at you, man.
Yeah, I'm really lifting weights. My back is strong as fuck right right now.
I believe you. I feel good.

Speaker 2 I love lifting weights. I really am turning into a meathead.

Speaker 2 Like when you, like, you ever get up and you feel good, and you've been lifting weights, and then you go in the mirror, and you're like, God damn, I look fucking good. And then you hear your wife go,

Speaker 2 and you're like, it's not that bad. Do you think Bobby's ever going to have kids? He wants to, but Kalila doesn't want to.

Speaker 5 She doesn't want kids? I didn't know it was like that. I figured it would be the other way around.

Speaker 2 I definitely thought it would be the other way around.

Speaker 5 I definitely would guess it's the other way around. You know what she said about you?

Speaker 2 Who?

Speaker 5 Kalila. What did she say? She's like, I love him.

Speaker 2 I'm pretty amazing

Speaker 2 only you would take it like that wait say it again

Speaker 2 she was just saying how how she had the best time podcasting with you because we're both we both have the same ocds we have a lot in common really like we're very both very broken people like all our all our eccentricities all dial into the same really yeah because what i did is before i did their podcast i got a COVID test and then sent it to them and wore a mask going in and then told everyone I was taking a mask off and then she was like, Just, you know, she's worried about the COVID.

Speaker 2 And she was like, just thank you for doing all that. It means a lot.

Speaker 5 And I was like, wow, I didn't do any of that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know. I walked in here.
You're already raw dogging everyone talking on the phone. Yeah, I'll take the private jet to fucking.
Shut up.

Speaker 2 Have you ever flown in a private jet? No. Oh, you should hang out with Tom.
Shut the fuck up. He goes, every week, it's got a hot tub in it.

Speaker 5 Hey, I think you're going on one pretty soon.

Speaker 2 Where are you going again? I don't know. It's pretty far.
Isn't it pretty far? No. That sounds like a long flight.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay. Interesting how that works.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You walked into that one, didn't you? I walked right into it. Yeah, you sure did.

Speaker 2 All right,

Speaker 2 let's read a script.

Speaker 2 They wrote scripts for us?

Speaker 2 This is a singular reading.

Speaker 2 Hey, Andres.

Speaker 5 Yes. Were you offended by my use of the pejorative word spic?

Speaker 7 No, I'm from Spain.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that means you're a spic.

Speaker 2 Do you know what that stands for? No.

Speaker 2 I thought those words were used with Mexicans.

Speaker 7 No, sir.

Speaker 2 Okay. So then, yes, I'm offended.

Speaker 2 These are all offended. How does this fuck you? I have no idea.
I'm not. Wigs freak me out.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I guess you're Andrew.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 I don't have.

Speaker 2 God damn it. Okay.
Katie is sitting with Regina.

Speaker 7 You are Regina.

Speaker 2 I'm Regina? Yes. Okay.

Speaker 2 I'm playing a woman in this? Yes.

Speaker 7 All of you are women.

Speaker 2 Do you guys do a script every episode? Not every episode. Just this one.
Wait, you're who? I'm Regina. And who am I?

Speaker 2 Katie.

Speaker 2 Wait, and who's Rudy?

Speaker 7 Gretchen.

Speaker 2 Okay. Where's Gretchen at? She's in there.
Next page. Okay.
Here we go. Do you guys going to read the action or do you want us to read the action? Sure, I'll read the action.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 2 Interior, cafeteria.

Speaker 7 A few minutes later, Katie is sitting with Regina and her best friend Karen and Gretchen. These are the plastics.

Speaker 2 Why I don't know. Why don't I know? Why don't I know you? I'm disliking.
Why don't I know you?

Speaker 2 I'm new.

Speaker 2 I just moved here two weeks ago from Africa.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 I used to be homeschooled. Wait, what?

Speaker 5 My mom taught me at home.

Speaker 2 no

Speaker 2 I know what homeschooled is I'm not

Speaker 2 so actually you've never been to a real school before no

Speaker 2 shut up

Speaker 7 Regina looks at Gretchen excited then looks back at Caddy

Speaker 7 if she was staring staring at a unicorn.

Speaker 2 Shut up! I didn't say anything.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 you're really pretty.

Speaker 5 Thank you.

Speaker 2 So you agree.

Speaker 2 What? Oh, this is from fucking mean girls. Yes.

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm like, wait, this is a fucking...

Speaker 2 Stole this from someone.

Speaker 2 So you think you're really pretty?

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 7 Regina grabs Catty's arm to look at Katie's bracelet. It's a white brown leather band with decorative holes punched in it.

Speaker 2 Where Where did you get that bracelet? I love it.

Speaker 5 My mom made it.

Speaker 2 It's adorable. It's so fetch.

Speaker 2 What is fetch? It's like slang from England.

Speaker 7 Regina rolls her eyes.

Speaker 2 So, if you're from Africa, why are you white? Oh my god, Regina, you can't just ask people why they're white. Caddy, could you give us some privacy for like one second?

Speaker 2 Sure.

Speaker 7 Regina and Gretchen turn around and whisper.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Let me oust

Speaker 2 say that we don't do this a lot. So you should know that this is like a huge deal.
We want to invite you to have lunch with us every day for the rest of the week. Oh.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Great. So we'll see you tomorrow.
On Wednesdays, we wear pink. Can we take that from the top now that I know what's going on? Thanks so much.

Speaker 2 Let's do it one more time. I think you've seen this movie.
Oh, it's fucking fetch. It is so good.

Speaker 2 It is fucking. It's a really good movie.
And can I just say that I think that if we're going to give second shots to people, if we're bringing back Paris Hilton, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And now everyone that ever made fun of Paris Hilton is getting canceled for it, then we should bring back fucking Lindsay Lohan. She is awesome.
Is she gone or something?

Speaker 2 No, but just no one's giving her a second chance. And the fucking world trashed Lindsay Lohan, and she was an awesome fucking actress.
An awesome actress.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you right now, if I have money, I put her in a movie. Yeah.
In a heartbeat. She was fucking awesome.
Freaking Friday with Jane Curtin. Not Jane Curtin.
Jane. Never mind.

Speaker 5 I hope you get to make a movie someday. All right.
Let's go ahead.

Speaker 2 Here we go. Here we go.
And from the top. Take it from the top.
Read our action a little faster.

Speaker 5 Wait, hold on. Stop.
Stop. You have any direction? I don't know what.
I don't know what I'm reading here. So.

Speaker 2 Okay. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Okay. So you're Lindsay Lohan.
That's Katie. Yeah.
And right now you're in like sloppy dress. You're like dressed like a hippie.
Oh, okay. Your mom.

Speaker 2 You're really smart, but you don't want these girls to know that. Okay.
And you've never interacted with people because you were born in Africa and your mom homeschooled you. Okay.

Speaker 2 And so you don't know how to interact. So like when we get to the part where I say,

Speaker 2 where I say,

Speaker 2 so you think you're pretty, like, I'm trying to trick you because I'm a mean girl. Yeah.
Right. So you're just like kind of confused.
Like, no. Wait.
Okay. Okay.
Okay. All right.

Speaker 2 So you kind of just, so wait, you're Katie, right? Katie. Right.
Katie. Yeah, Katie, Katie.
Okay. Okay.
Here we go. Let's try it from the top.
Are you ready?

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And also maybe you set up Rudy's character, too.

Speaker 2 Who the fuck's Rudy? Oh,

Speaker 2 Rudy. Rudy.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Rudy, you're stupid. Okay.
So

Speaker 2 you're played by

Speaker 2 Jennifer Love Hewitt. Is it Jennifer Love Hewitt? Amanda Siegfried.
Is it Amanda Siegfried? Yep. So you're kind of stupid.
Okay.

Speaker 2 It's like, that's so fetch. Okay.
Okay. So you're really like that.
Can you do that accent? Let's try to get that accent off the ground. Ready? Okay.
Here we go.

Speaker 2 Can you do like a valley girl? Oh, no. That's so hard.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Ah, ah, ah. Do this.
Throw it on your mouth. Go, ah.
Ah. And then say all the words like that.

Speaker 2 Oh, my god. There you go.

Speaker 2 You got it. You got it.
Great job. Great job.
That was good.

Speaker 2 Okay. Try that at school.
You'd be like one of the cool girls.

Speaker 2 I want an unclassable.

Speaker 5 You guys ate like four unclassicals ever dad?

Speaker 2 I had rice and egg today.

Speaker 2 I wanted uncrantables. I'll wipe with lives, you guys.

Speaker 5 You guys are like lives.

Speaker 2 That's so fat.

Speaker 2 Okay, so really, really bring that accent.

Speaker 2 Andres,

Speaker 2 okay, we're going. Yeah.
Interior. Hey, can I? No offense, okay? But you're really selling your own passionate language down the fucking drain here.

Speaker 2 Can you read it with a little, like, read it like we're in bed, okay? Okay. Yeah, there you go.
Like, like you're talking to a woman.

Speaker 2 Like, your name is Anigo Mentoya, and I kill your father. There you go.
Katie is sitting with Regina in a room. Oh, Freddy.
Come on, do it it. Sexier on the side.
Yeah, sexy. Okay.

Speaker 2 Let's not do it like you're just checking to see if we have stolen cigarettes in our backpacks.

Speaker 2 Interior cafeteria.

Speaker 7 A few minutes later, Katie is sitting with Regina and her best friend, Karen.

Speaker 2 These are the plastics.

Speaker 2 Why don't I know you?

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 I'm new.

Speaker 5 I just moved here two weeks ago from Africa.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 5 I used to be homeschooled.

Speaker 2 Wait, what?

Speaker 5 My mom taught me at home.

Speaker 2 And I know what homeschooled is. I'm not ready.

Speaker 2 So actually, you've never been to a real school before?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Shut up.

Speaker 7 Regina looks at Gretchen, excited. Then looks at Caddy again, as if she was staring at a unicorn.

Speaker 2 Shut up!

Speaker 5 I didn't say anything.

Speaker 2 You know, you're really pretty.

Speaker 5 Thank you. So you agree.

Speaker 2 What? You think you're really pretty. Oh,

Speaker 4 I don't know.

Speaker 7 Regina grabs Catty's arm to look at Catty's bracelet. It's a white brown leather band with the Cartiff Hall sponge in it.

Speaker 2 Where did you get that bracelet? I love it.

Speaker 5 My mom made it for me.

Speaker 2 It's adorable. It's so fetch.

Speaker 2 It's

Speaker 2 like.

Speaker 5 Wait, what is fetch?

Speaker 2 It's like sang from England.

Speaker 2 Regina rolls her eyes.

Speaker 2 So, if you're from Africa, why are you white?

Speaker 2 Oh my god, Regina.

Speaker 2 You're killing it. You're killing it.
You're killing it. You can't just say, you can't just ask people what they're white.

Speaker 2 Kenny, can you give us some privacy for like

Speaker 2 one second?

Speaker 2 Sad.

Speaker 7 Regina and Gretchen turn around and whisper.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Let me just say that we don't do this. We don't do this a lot.
So you should know that this is like

Speaker 2 a huge deal.

Speaker 2 We want to

Speaker 2 keep going. Keep going.

Speaker 5 Shut the line over. That was perfect.

Speaker 2 You're doing it great. You're doing it great.

Speaker 2 We want to invite you to have lunch with us every day for the rest of the week.

Speaker 2 Oh. okay.

Speaker 2 Great. So we'll see you tomorrow.
On Wednesdays, we wear pink. We wear pink.
Rudy. That was fucking awesome.
Oh my god. That was

Speaker 2 fucking amazing. Awesome.

Speaker 2 You really take direction. Does I look good? Give us another scene.
Come on.

Speaker 2 Give us another. We're so in the fucking no.

Speaker 2 This looks good. This is fucking fun.
Here you go.

Speaker 5 What you got for us?

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 And then one of you can be the director. One of you can be the

Speaker 2 Rudy's Will. Rudy's Will? Rudy is Will.
All right, Tom. I think I should help direct Rudy in this.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Okay, and then Tom, you play Sean.

Speaker 5 What's this from, or do we not know you?

Speaker 2 I know what it is.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Okay.
Let's read it one time. Okay.
Let's read it one time. I already know what this is.
And Rudy is Will? Will. Okay.
Rudy's Will. Okay.
Go ahead. It's going to be tough, Rudy.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Sean.

Speaker 2 Interior. Sean's office.
Day. Sean looks to turn.
It's Will. He's standing in the doorway.
I can come back.

Speaker 2 Sean smiles. A beep.
Will sees a file on Sean's desk. What's that?

Speaker 5 Oh, this is your file. I have to send it back to the judge with my evaluation.

Speaker 2 You're not going to fail me, are you? Sean smiles. So,

Speaker 2 what's it say? You want to read it? No.

Speaker 2 Have you had any experience with that?

Speaker 5 20 years of counseling, you see a lot of... No.

Speaker 2 Have you had any experience with that? Yes.

Speaker 2 It sure ain't good.

Speaker 5 My dad used to make us walk down to the park and collect the sticks he was going to beat us with. Actually, the worst of my beatings were between me and my brother.

Speaker 5 We would practice on each other trying to find sticks that would break.

Speaker 2 He used to just pull...

Speaker 2 He used to just put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on the kitchen table and say choose.

Speaker 2 Gotta go with the belt there. I used to go with the wrench.
The wrench? Why? Because fuck him. That's why.
Is that why me and Skylar broke up?

Speaker 5 I didn't know you had. Do you want to talk about that?

Speaker 5 I don't know a lot, Will, but let me tell you one thing. All this history, this shit,

Speaker 2 look here, son.

Speaker 2 Will, I'm sorry, I got so lost in the acting. Will, who's been looking away, looks at Sean.

Speaker 5 This is not your fault.

Speaker 2 Oh, I know.

Speaker 5 It's not your fault.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 5 It's not your fault.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 It's not your fault. I know.
It's not your fault.

Speaker 2 Don't fuck with me.

Speaker 5 It's not your fault.

Speaker 2 I know. It's not.

Speaker 2 I know. I know.

Speaker 2 Okay. Sean takes his arm, puts him around Will.
Ben Affleck shows up. This, ladies and gentlemen, is Goodwill Hunting.

Speaker 5 Never seen it.

Speaker 2 Are you serious? I swear. Okay, here.
So you're Robin Williams, okay? Okay. So you need to really vary your accent a little up.
Like,

Speaker 2 you got to really Robin Williams it up. Yeah, I would take the wig off.
Yeah, sure. Now you're going to need a Boston accent.
Southy, if we can. What is that? Okay.
You're going to pack the cow. Okay.

Speaker 2 Pack the cow. Act that fucking fuck that guy.
You ever know who Bill Burr is? Fucking fuck that guy. Heck, that bad.
Okay,

Speaker 2 really good burr, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ready? So, so let's work on, let's work on, I can come back. Okay.
I've never worn head.

Speaker 2 It's almost like a bird, like a Boston person sounds like a bird that's standing outside your window and wake you up in the morning.

Speaker 2 Okay, so then let me hear that. I can come back.

Speaker 2 I can come back. That's a perfect Boston accent.

Speaker 2 That is a perfect Boston accent. So, if you can say that now, here's the only thing I'm going to need you to do, okay?

Speaker 2 These are the two notes I'm going to give you. When we get to

Speaker 2 you guys really connect when he says, when he says the wrench, why? I need you to take your time. I want you to look down.
And then I want you to look up confident.

Speaker 2 Now you're confident right now, okay?

Speaker 2 And I want you to smile at Tom. And with your Boston accent, go.

Speaker 2 Cause fucking, that's why.

Speaker 2 Okay. It's a little, I mean, you're going to do the Boston better accent better than that.
Like, you're going to smile like fucking confident because you're about to lose your shit.

Speaker 2 Because what I need right here, it's not your fault. I know.
Smiles. I know.
Like this, like this. Ready?

Speaker 2 I don't want to give you line line reads, but like this. The first one, I know, right?

Speaker 2 And then he's going to go, hey, it's not your fault. And then you're going to go, I know.

Speaker 2 And then he's going to go, it's not your fault. And then you look him in the eyes.

Speaker 2 I know. Okay.
And then when he goes, it's not your fault. I want you to, now you're about to cry.
Oh, I'm getting chill bumps. You're about to cry.
Can you cry on command? No.

Speaker 2 Okay, bite your inner lip like this.

Speaker 5 Can I throw something at you?

Speaker 2 Will that freak you out? Maybe. Bite your inner lip, and I want you to start crying.
Don't fuck with me. Okay, don't fuck with me is when you start to go, don't fuck with me.

Speaker 2 Okay, that's when I want to see emotion. And then he's going to go, it's not your fault.
Then I want you to go around the thing and hug her. It's not your fault.

Speaker 2 And then I, I know, you're falling apart. Okay.
At the end. So you need to build to that.
Smiles, serious.

Speaker 2 I know, right? And then, hey, don't fuck with me because you don't want to cry because you're a guy from Boston and all you've ever done is like sip beers and shoot pops and fucking kick cows.

Speaker 2 Cow, Ready? Cause and cats. Ca.
Say cow, wild buggers. Ca! Yeah, there you go.
That's a Boston accent. All right, we're gonna take it from the top.
Here we go. Here we go.
You got your accent.

Speaker 2 You got your accent? Wait, say it again. Okay, ca!

Speaker 2 No, I can come back. Huh? Say I can come back.

Speaker 5 I want you to say I can come back the way you wanted to say it.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 5 The first line.

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, I forgot how to do it.

Speaker 2 I can come back. Now I'm lost in my accent.
Can you play a Boston accent up here? Type in Boston accent, YouTube.

Speaker 2 This is his exact accent.

Speaker 2 If we could hear it. Voice.

Speaker 2 So that's your voice. That's what's like.

Speaker 4 I mean, no,

Speaker 8 I would have to put it on to do a really sharp one. You ready?

Speaker 2 Teach me a little Boston. This is Boston.

Speaker 6 That's what I say if I go to Boston.

Speaker 8 Like the word ma, right?

Speaker 2 To your mother.

Speaker 8 Yeah. Yes.
You'd say, is Ma downstairs?

Speaker 2 Any sort of Eastern accent's acceptable, okay? So just fucking Ma. You know, but

Speaker 2 I don't got it. And feel free to, if you don't, if you don't like the word, also just to go,

Speaker 5 if you want to do it with like another nation's accent, that works too.

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 2 All right. All right.

Speaker 2 I can come back. Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay.
I might not be the best dialect coach.

Speaker 5 I'm digging it, but let's start.

Speaker 2 Okay, here we go. Interior Sean's Larva's day.
Sean turns to look. It's Will.

Speaker 2 He's standing in the doorway. I can come back.

Speaker 2 Sean Smiles.

Speaker 2 You're killing it. A keep there.
Sean Smiles a beat. Will sees a file on Sean's desk.
What's that?

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 You're doing great. You're doing great.
You're doing great.

Speaker 5 You are. This is your file.
I have to send it back to the judge with my evaluation.

Speaker 2 You're not going to fail me, are you? You're killing it. You're killing it.
Sean Smiles.

Speaker 2 So what's it say?

Speaker 2 You want to read it?

Speaker 2 Nah.

Speaker 2 Have you had any experience with that?

Speaker 5 Twenty years of counseling, you see a lot of...

Speaker 2 Nah, have you had any experience with that?

Speaker 2 Yes. It's shine good.

Speaker 5 My dad used to make us walk down to the park and collect the sticks he was going to beat us with. Actually, the worst of the beatings were between me and my brother.

Speaker 5 We would practice on each other trying to find sticks that would break.

Speaker 2 He used to watch just he used to just put a belt, a stick, a wrench on the kitchen table and say truth.

Speaker 5 Gotta go with the belt there.

Speaker 2 I used to go with the wrench.

Speaker 2 The wrench? Why? Because fuck him, that's why.

Speaker 2 Perfect. A long, quiet moment.

Speaker 2 Is that why me and Skylar broke up?

Speaker 2 I didn't know you had.

Speaker 5 Do you want to talk about that?

Speaker 5 I don't know a lot, Will, but let me tell you one thing. All this history, this shit,

Speaker 2 look here, son.

Speaker 2 Will, who'd been looking away, looks at Sean.

Speaker 5 This is not your fault.

Speaker 2 Here we go. I know.
Yeah, there we go. There we go.
More accent. It's not your fault.

Speaker 2 And now.

Speaker 5 It's not your fault.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 5 It's not your fault.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 It's not your fault. Don't fuck with me.

Speaker 5 It's not your fault.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 It's not.

Speaker 2 I know, I know.

Speaker 2 I know, I know.

Speaker 2 I want to direct a high school musical.

Speaker 2 Rudy. Rudy, you're cute.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 You're amazing. What are you talking about? You're an actor.
You really are. You nailed the accent.
I mean, I really thought you were from Southeast. I almost wanted to buy a cod off you.

Speaker 2 Bobby's going to lose his place as the acting king in your house.

Speaker 2 Jesus.

Speaker 2 Jesus is right. Good Will Hunting, your range.
You played...

Speaker 2 A white chick, a valley girl, and you played Will

Speaker 2 Tom Matt Damon. You were fantastic you're fucking amazing i can't believe this piece of shit isn't answering the phone

Speaker 2 god i think people are gonna be blown away call bobby

Speaker 2 bobby

Speaker 2 you think he'll answer yeah what if it went a ring went

Speaker 2 super offensive

Speaker 2 Elizabeth Banks struggles with a Boston accent.

Speaker 2 What accent do you think I have?

Speaker 2 I don't know, a normal one. Really? Isn't that crazy? I think that America is just like accent-free.
They're not answering.

Speaker 5 Those guys are too good to answer.

Speaker 2 The fucking worst. I forgot I had a wig on, and I was like,

Speaker 2 Does it feel good?

Speaker 5 Wait, you're not going to do it because Leanne doesn't want it?

Speaker 2 Did he just call right back? He did.

Speaker 5 Santini.

Speaker 2 Brandy.

Speaker 2 Hey. Hello.
Hey. Hey.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. What the fuck is that?

Speaker 2 What happened? Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Tom, Bobby just hawked up what looks like a tonsil stone.

Speaker 2 That's no shit. I'm not kidding.
It's the size of like an MM. Hey, that's huge.
It's on your table and it's going to stay there.

Speaker 5 Oh, listen. What's up? Rudy just fucking won an Oscar.

Speaker 2 She's got chopped.

Speaker 5 She's an actor, man.

Speaker 2 She's an actor.

Speaker 2 We know how dope she is. By the way,

Speaker 2 the crew over here is loving us. And

Speaker 2 he even said to us, this is a completely different level, guys. A new level.
He said, you guys are minding up this guy.

Speaker 2 Should we come it down a bit? You know? Yeah, you should. You should.

Speaker 2 Nikov said, slow down a little bit. You guys are crushing way too hard for the telling.

Speaker 2 He's like, usually.

Speaker 2 Tell them that they're having a good time. Do two episodes.
Yeah, yeah. Hey, listen, we need to bang some shows.
Go ahead and do a second for us.

Speaker 5 Hey, but I feel like Rudy's 10 times the actor Bobby is. I feel like it's going to cause some problems at home.

Speaker 2 Oh, his face just dropped. His face just dropped.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Oh, my God, dude.

Speaker 2 No, he's touching his face.

Speaker 5 But wait, why doesn't he ask her?

Speaker 2 He's nervous when he touches his face. Oh, my God.
When he gets sad, he touches his face.

Speaker 5 Why doesn't he ask her for help when he has auditions and stuff? She's a natural.

Speaker 2 Accent queen. Dude, you're getting him.

Speaker 2 He's touching the mics.

Speaker 2 Oh, what was the horror movie? Sanitize the mics. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, dogs. Sanitize the phone.
Let me call them the dog. Call him.
Keep them on the phone. Okay, they're distracted.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay. What did he just say?

Speaker 5 He's saying pretty racist shit, but just give him a second.

Speaker 2 Bobby says he wants to poop on the table.

Speaker 5 Oh, that sounds like a Bobby move.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. That'd be great.
It's so fun doing this.

Speaker 5 It's a really good idea.

Speaker 2 I'm so glad we switched the team. Why the fuck would we do that with that?

Speaker 5 Tell Nadab.

Speaker 2 I got a dog. Tell Nadab why he's listening.
Is he listening? Tell him to get his phone by him.

Speaker 5 Yeah, tell him his phone's ringing.

Speaker 2 Pick up your phone, Navad.

Speaker 2 Jesus.

Speaker 5 Hey, who's yours?

Speaker 2 What's up, Bert? Sanitize the mics, please.

Speaker 2 Sanitize the mics. He said, first of all, you guys got Corona.
That's true. Now, I already had it.
Yep. Bobby is impervious to it.
How's he impervious?

Speaker 2 Because, you know, they say if you're...

Speaker 2 His blood type is soy sauce. They can't get it.
Dude, he eats birds.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. You might.
Honestly, you might. Hey, let me see where they are.
I want to see how close they are to Mike's.

Speaker 5 Yeah, he wants to see. Can they see?

Speaker 2 All right, hold on. Oh, Bobby's on my side?

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. He's disappointed that you're on his side.

Speaker 2 Bobby's mad right now. He's pissed off that you said that about the acting thing.
Oh, really? So just waste your time. Oh, he thinks it's a waste of time.
Okay. Okay.
All right. All right.
All right.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 I love you. Bye.
Do you want to ask any more questions to us?

Speaker 2 Do you like bad friends?

Speaker 2 All right, that was a good episode, I think.

Speaker 5 Yeah, that was a lot of. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Is that how it ends? Yeah. Hang on, let me make sure we've covered all the subjects.
We didn't sing a song. Let's fucking go, man.
We didn't sing a song. We just sing one song.
Why?

Speaker 2 What's a good song that incorporates bad friends?

Speaker 3 Daddy Why You Die?

Speaker 5 Oh, yeah, Daddy Why You Die. What's that song? You know what, Daddy Why You Die?

Speaker 2 Daddy Why You Die, Why You Die, I Love You Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, I love you.

Speaker 2 Why are you dead, Daddy? Please come back. It's just me and mom and brother.

Speaker 2 Dad, brother, Daddy. Come on, try to do it.
Try to do it. Play with us.
Ready? We'll sing it.

Speaker 2 Why are

Speaker 2 you dead?

Speaker 2 Please come back. It's just

Speaker 2 I love this. I love this.
I love this. All right.

Speaker 2 Have you guys ever, have you ever heard the song, Elephant in My Backyard?

Speaker 2 I think you could probably sing along. There you go.

Speaker 2 There's

Speaker 2 an elephant in my backyard, and it won't stop honking.

Speaker 2 Come on, sing away. Round and round.
Elephant in my backyard. And it won't stop honking.

Speaker 2 It's

Speaker 2 great.

Speaker 2 And it's big.

Speaker 2 And its ears

Speaker 2 flap like telephone books.

Speaker 2 Have you guys ever heard the song? I went fishing and guess what I caught? Okay, here we go. Here we go.
You ready? Ready?

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 I think you know it at the beginning.

Speaker 2 Oh, I went fishing and guess what I caught.

Speaker 2 I caught a telephone.

Speaker 2 I caught a telephone.

Speaker 2 And it was on a

Speaker 2 motorcycle.

Speaker 5 Is this a special needs song?

Speaker 2 Is this how they teach?

Speaker 2 I want to sing this song. I want to sing this song.
Let me tell you why I love you, okay?

Speaker 2 Okay, ready?

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 let me tell you why I love you.

Speaker 2 It's your eyes

Speaker 2 and your

Speaker 2 nose and your mouth

Speaker 2 and your

Speaker 2 listen.

Speaker 2 By the way, this is so much fucking fun. Wait, you do a song to me, okay? You do a song to me.
What's the name of the song? Um, anime.

Speaker 2 The name of the song is anime? Okay, okay. All right, here we go.
Let's start it off.

Speaker 2 Start it off with, ready?

Speaker 2 I like wise games

Speaker 2 with big eyes and they're so petite. I don't think you knew the game we're right.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 5 Look into your camera, goddammit.

Speaker 5 He just started singing a song.

Speaker 5 We did it third time.

Speaker 5 We did it together.

Speaker 5 And when it was her turn, she just started singing.

Speaker 5 I said, What's the name of your song? And she goes, Anime.

Speaker 5 I was like, oh, okay, so it's interesting in anime. She goes, I like watching anime.
She goes with their big eyes.

Speaker 5 And you think I was going to catch that?

Speaker 5 Did you think I watched anime?

Speaker 5 You know, we both watched anime.

Speaker 5 Hey, we both were drawn to the big eye kick.

Speaker 5 Oh,

Speaker 5 oh, I'm sweating. I'm fucking sweating.
We did four fucking songs and you don't figure out what we were doing.

Speaker 5 Oh my god.

Speaker 2 All right. Oh.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. She just started seeing why she liked anime.

Speaker 2 I liked their features. I like big eyes.

Speaker 2 I can't lay a blanket.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Rudy, you're the best.

Speaker 5 Rudy, if you ever want to come over to Two Bears, One Cave

Speaker 2 and have a safe place. Yeah.

Speaker 5 It's on.

Speaker 2 I'm fucking sweating. I got to take this fucking shirt off.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Oh, my daughter's going to put this on. It's going to smell like fucking armpits.
What? This shirt is a small.

Speaker 5 Why is she going to put it on?

Speaker 2 Because it's hers.

Speaker 2 It's not my shirt. I had to find my daughter's shirts like Bobby puts on her shirts to wear into this show.

Speaker 2 I can't believe that she just started singing.

Speaker 2 She's like, look at it.

Speaker 5 Because their eyes are, I mean, their features are exciting, and the stories evolve.

Speaker 2 The stories are easy to find.

Speaker 5 There is fantastic artists involved with the animation.

Speaker 2 What the fuck?

Speaker 2 How do you not know this, man?

Speaker 2 I can't even do it without saying

Speaker 2 why.

Speaker 2 I said, What's the name of your song? And she just goes, Anime?

Speaker 2 I've been waiting for this all day.

Speaker 2 I don't want to tell everyone about anime.

Speaker 5 It originated in Japan.

Speaker 2 I have so many friends who like anime also.

Speaker 2 Sometimes when I'm in school, all I knew was think about it. Look, what's finding?

Speaker 2 He's fucking anime.

Speaker 2 There's unsuspecting violence that you'll never know is coming in.

Speaker 2 All right. Oh.

Speaker 2 All right. Fuck me.

Speaker 5 Look in your goddamn camera.

Speaker 2 This is going to have to do this at the same time. Yeah, yeah.
Ready?

Speaker 4 One,

Speaker 2 two,

Speaker 2 three.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 5 Why is Jules Rudy?

Speaker 2 Did you answer that

Speaker 2 about Rudy Giuliani? Giuliani. Giuliani.
Yeah, Giuliani. Yeah.
Yeah, and that's how they name me.

Speaker 5 That you're like him?

Speaker 2 No. Yeah, you have a lot of similar characteristics.

Speaker 5 You do. I mean, I see it.
I mean, I physically see it, but I'm like, is it?

Speaker 2 I was going to say Andrew Cuomo, but yeah, rudy giuliani yeah yeah

Speaker 5 yeah so what what do you have in common with him though besides like you both being italian i think i don't know maybe just in space

Speaker 5 i see that yeah i see that let me see smile once

Speaker 5 let's see

Speaker 2 oh yeah

Speaker 2 she smiled like she was selling you the teeth

Speaker 2 do you want them all