Bear Friends with Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura

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Merch. Merch.
We got that merch, baby. Look at that.
Listen, the other day I was walking around the house and Jules was wearing, or Rudy was wearing this sweatshirt. And I saw the back and it put joy in my heart.
It was joy in her heart.

Rudy, put down those knives. This is an authentic Bad Friends

sweatshirt. That's right.

And if you want to be cool, go to

badfriendsmerch.com or

if you're on YouTube, look down below. There's all the

merch bar. You can click on one of those sweaters

down below or whatever else we got there

and buy yourself a Rudy hoodie.

Also, I'm going to be Salt Lake City, Dallas, Houston, Boston, Atlantic City,

and then a bunch of other stuff.

Go to andrewsantino.com for dates.

andrewsantino.com for dates.

I'm on tour.

Yeah.

And I'm going to be nowhere.

You're not doing stand-up yet.

Yep.

Come see me live, andrewsantino.com. You are bears yep he's a bear all right you want to be fat friends how uh how you doing today bob welcome to the fucking what is it called bear friends Friends Hey guys don't fix your dials on your tele What fucking year is this? You've tuned in to the right show Get ready to unsubscribe My name is Bobby Lee And I'm Ditto Andrew Tito Andrew But I can call you Tito Tom And Tito Andrew.
Tito Andrew. But I can call you Tito Tom.
Okay. Oh, call him Tito Tom.
And Tito Bert. Oh, just Bert.
That sounds weird. No, but it sounds very like, okay, Tito Bert.
It's good to see you. You know why we do this at 4 p.m., right? Why? Because the guy that normally sits there sleeps till 3.
So that's when he does the show at 4 p.m. This is amazing.
We we do our show at 10 a.m i can't wait to do a podcast where you only get 200 000 subscribers who fucking made out on this deal i know the fucking bad friends are all of a sudden on a podcast yeah it's pretty cool now all of a sudden we gotta fucking lift them up we to come into this shit box and listen to this fucking dope out there.

So is this, should this be like someone's, like, would this, is this where people would

shoot heroin at, this building?

This looks like a fucking storage unit.

It's kind of sketchy, right?

I like it.

Jesus.

Jesus.

They have beaten the fuck out of you, haven't they?

You know you can be honest with us.

You don't have to be like, it's cool here.

I like Andrew and I like Bobby. You can tell us the truth.
You don't have to be like, it's cool here. I like Andrew and I like Bobby.

You can tell us the truth.

I don't like them.

Thank you.

That's what I'm talking about.

Thank you, Miss Giuliani.

Yeah, thank you, Miss Giuliani.

So, Miss Giuliani, how did you hook up with these guys?

I'm just out of curiosity.

Atikalaila.

Oh, wait, are you related?

Yeah.

Did you just get a tattoo?

No.

Wait, do you live with them? Yeah. I know who the fuck you are.
I know who the fuck you are. Okay.
Who the fuck is she? Oh, no wonder. I just put the math together.
I was like, she's Filipino. Yeah.
Of course. You are really good at doing this, man.
I'm sitting here going, Jesus, is she like a fucking kidnapped or something? I know. Like blink twice if you need to get let loose i know she looked she was like i was i was in the philippines they promised me some modeling work they grabbed my passport next thing you know i'm sitting here on the third mic on a fucking mediocre podcast this is some fucking ginger talk to a fucking korean guy to a guy who looks like an organism be honest hold.
Hold on. Cheers.
Cheers. To bad friends.
To bad friends. How bad is it to live with Bobby? Oh, that's right.
You live with Bobby. Yeah.
Live with Bobby. How gross is he? So what time does he get up to work out? Workout? I was joking.
I was joking. He wakes up around, I guess, 2.
Oh, because he's probably up all night reading. Playing.
Playing? What does he play? Like hide and go seek and stuff? He plays Call of Duty. Is it weird to you that a guy that sleeps till 2 p.m.
and plays all night actually has a career? Like, and owns a house? does it do you go like that's america like yeah you can kind of be like hey i don't really try but it's confusing but he does it so yeah what do you think's worse a guy who drinks every night starting at like say 4 30 until maybe 10 o'clock at night but then gets up and works out at in the morning. Do you think that's more self-destructive? Or a guy who starts playing video games at 9 o'clock eats Sour Patch Kids all night? And plays until like 6 in the morning.
And plays until 4 in the morning and then sleeps until 3. Who do you think's got more of a problem? The second one.
Right? Yeah. Now, do you think Bobby would be better off if he just started drinking and using drugs again and never touched a video game? Yes.
Right? See, I think I'm saving my own life. Now, let's pick apart Andrew, okay? Okay.
Now, had you ever seen a redhead before when you saw it? Not in the Philippines. Wait, was it exciting or gross when you first saw him? I thought it was really weird.
Yeah. His beard was really red.
But that sounds like you're leaning more gross than... Gross.
Like when you saw him, you just thought he was holding his breath really hard.

Yeah.

Like you're like, the only thing I know is like when stray dogs in my village have that little dart that comes out, that looks like you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do you have like a pejorative term for redheads in Tagalog or something?

No.

What would you... I mean, if you wanted to insult him.

They've never seen one.

Well, yeah.

That's like in America. What do we call those little animals that put on a cape and then do flips off a wall? Oh, we don't know what that is.
That's only in the Philippines, right? What are those called? Um. I just saw it on someone's Twitter feed.
Oh, TikTok. On TikTok, there are these little animals that put on capes and they're like this tall and they run around.
The Philippines? Those are dogs. Dogs, yeah.
God damn it. It's on someone's TikTok.
I just saw this today i'm obsessed with tiktok by the way you are yeah that's a new obsession for you do you do the dance what the tiktok i don't do any of the dances and i'll tell you why i just i really like a lot of this knowledge i've accrued off tiktok like those little animals that run around the philippines with capes on yeah and run off the wall it's an animal okay i'm I'm going to explain it to you, George. See if you can find it.
Oh, George is going to struggle, but go ahead. It's an animal that runs up a wall and does a flip backwards off the wall.
How about this? Type in mythical animal Philippines. What mythical animals do you have in the Philippines? Like in our Northwest, we have Bigfoot, right? Yeah.
And then way, way, way north, they have the abominable snowman. I just realized, you sit here and you work with a fucking fancy bee.
Yeah. Isn't that rough, knowing what they did to your country? Who's fancy bee? Fucking the Spaniard, man.
Oh. I don't know what they did.
Welcome to the show. That guy.
Welcome here. The Spanish people were the first people in the Philippines? Well,'t the first people but they went in there the best people yeah they fucked it up really sure they resent them that's why there's Catholicism there really oh Tom's Peruvian they did the same thing to his people except his people hit up on the top of a mountain at altitude and it took those guys forever to get up there and then they killed them all like 60 of them killed a fucking country so wait philippine mythical creatures that everyone should look out for molto do you know what that is molto is just a monster okay keep going yeah yeah we've all got those we got those let's scroll keep going aswang as about Aswang? Aswang? Yeah, Aswang.
What's Aswang?

What's that?

I think it's just a-

Is it this big?

No, it's a lady.

I think she's really-

Like a bitch?

No, I think she's a ghost.

Okay.

Okay, how about a mankukulam?

That's a-

Mankukulam?

Mankukulam.

A witch?

A witch?

It looks like a witch.

God, that's so funny. She's kind of a cute witch.
I couldn't understand who you were, and now I totally know who you are. How about Diwata? Diwata is...
Sigbing. Is it Sigbing? A little creature? No, it's not.
I don't think so. What's the little creature? It's called a fucking chihuahua.
What? Is it Duende? Is it Duende? I don't know. Look up Duende, George.
Get the fuck on it. God.
I saw a real one on TikTok. Are Duende real? They say it's real.
They say it's real. That sounds like no one's captured it on TikTok.
No, some guy got one on TikTok. They say it's real.
It's like Loch Ness Monster shit. I wish you could go through and see the TikToks that you did.
Your wife got me addicted with TikToks. She creates the best curation.

Dude, some people.

It's in her story.

She always puts up the craziest ones.

I saw John Mayer.

Yeah.

Let's talk about John Mayer for a second.

The singer-comedian?

Same one.

Yeah.

He does all of it.

This guy never paid him any mind in my life.

I know these friends with Chappelle.

I'm sure he's probably a really cool guy to hang out with. Yeah, I'm sure he is.
He's never paid any mind. His music hit when I was already out of college.
Have you ever heard of John Mayer? I know he's part of the Grateful Dead. Perfect.
Wait, is she right? By the way. Well, he tours with them now.
Oh, okay. I was like, he's done at all as part of the Grateful Dead.
He toured at, I guess, for more recently, took the Garcia slot, I think. Oh, yeah.
Well, that's the only one open. I don't know.
He's like, Bob, scoot over. I'm going to take your spot.
You play Jerry. I'm going to play you.
Yeah. Yeah.
No. Yeah.
Yeah. So he, I guess he's really big on TikTok.
Like he's into TikTok. I didn't know that.
I guess. I don't know.
But I never, I never, his music came out when I just moved to New York. So, like, I never, I wasn't, the music I was listening to then was more, I don't know, Limp Bizkit Corn.
Yeah. That's why I never really listened to him.
And then I, when I moved to LA is when he got into comedy. And you know how comics are when other people get into comedy were always like, okay, whatever.
Yeah. But he was friends with Sherrod.
So I was like, he must be a cool a cool guy i know anything about him he made a tiktok today that made me laugh so fucking hard can you play my tiktok i know i put it on my instagram stories pull up my instagram stories i think we can play his tiktok on this show right sure okay you ready here's the song i'm gonna play a bit of my song whiskey whiskey whiskey for you i don't have a harmonica i'm just gonna play it without it without the harmonica. Because of this.
Two, three, four. He didn't like it.
That was funny. Did you like it? Did you get it, though? Yeah.
No, no. Maybe you should watch it again, maybe.
Again? I'm joking. I just thought it was fucking funny.
All right, whatever. You said that shit really fucking made you laugh.
It made me laugh hard as shit this morning. Why't know man By the way write down I can be a DJ I could be a DJ I could be a DJ Dude I'm DJing Hold on that's my thing now I'm DJing Wait when are you DJing I'm DJing a party in three weeks You are not Do you realize that is like legit fucking money Uh yeah And you don't have to do anything.
All you have to do is put let's put your hand to your ear and go. Yeah.
Yeah. And then one, two, three, four and smoke comes out.
Smoke comes out. I have a travel case, dude.
No, you don't. Yes, I do.
No, you don't. I have a whole Serato set up.
Yeah, I'm doing Serato. Yeah.
Shut up. Yeah, man.
Show me what you got on the thing. I want to see your setup.
Yeah, I'm doing it. A Serato? Yeah.
Shut up. Yeah, man.

Show me what you got on the thing. I want to see your setup.
Hey, wait, do you know how to DJ? Yeah. Do you have videos of you DJing? I can send you a video, yeah.
For real? Yes. Like when you DJ, do you play mashups or do you do your own just beat and then just play it? Serato has this thing in the program where- What's Serato? It's the actual software.
so the software that you plug your MacBook into, and it tells you the BPM beats per minute of every song. So you can – So those little boxes with all the squares that light up.
That's different. So those – you can put like drops in there.
You can cue things up so that you can have like – you program songs to start at certain points. It's a whole thing.
Yeah. And so how hard is it to learn because it looks pretty simple yeah it's easy man you got it yeah but um so wait this is back is this when you started djing that was right before i decided to take it seriously like seriously scale of one to ten what are you a better dj than john mayer is a comedian i don't know i don't want to i mean i heard he's really funny actually okay so that's my question though yes i don't know i don't know okay um could you i sold out a party no you didn't i sold out a party oh hold on one second sold out how big how many people a couple hundred people for real yeah but it's after i do a show oh so you're going and then how much does it take us to your uh to your um to your gig 20 bucks 20 bucks yeah and so you're going to do a show then you're going to a club yep and you're going to dj at a club for another 20 bucks yeah so you're doing three shows three shows yeah yeah and the last one's just you up there and that's going to go until like three in the morning yeah oh so that's a hard-earned 20 but and you're playing the whole time well yeah i mean that no because they'll they have somebody else there that can kind of like he puts he puts his hard drive in and then he can okay give me an example of someone that is famous that djs like you that you can dj like that you're like oh if you watch uh deborah de luca oh i you know who my idol is in djing quest love let me see quest love can you play some quest love but then just we can hear it do you know how to do that i feel like we're losing're losing you.
Rudy. Rudy? No, I'm listening.
Okay. It's just, I don't know if I believe that you DJ.
Why? Is it because he's overweight? No. Why? It's because he doesn't have a full head of hair.
It's because he doesn't have long hair? What do you expect a DJ to look like? And what doesn't Tom have? What excuse does Tom not have? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm asking all the same questions and has anyone ever cleaned this mic just out of curiosity no I wouldn't imagine so that's that one I would be more scared of than this one no fucking shit my lips been touching it I'm a little freaked out this he's my idol okay so this is the kind of DJ you doing so this is what you do Well, hold on.
I don't know what he's my idol. Okay, so this is the kind of DJ you're doing.

So this is what you do.

Well, hold on.

I don't know what he's doing yet.

And they'll say, DJ, dad mouth. Yeah, I have that all that shit program.

No way.

I swear to God.

For real.

I swear to God.

And they'll be like, two bears, one game, one game, one game, one game.

Bad friends, friends, friends, friends, friends, friends.

You got it.

See, and I have my MacBook set up just like that. Her body, her choice, choice, choice, choice, choice.
So basically, let me get this right. Well, see, here's the thing.
As a DJ fan, like if you're a fan of yours as a DJ, then I'm just a fan of the same music you like. You don't really create music.
I don't create music. You just like play a little bit of a song and then play another little bit of a song and then do some like but it's about a vibe so you go like what what's the vibe like this right this is a vibe right here okay it's like a laid back kind of like rhythmic almost electronic that's what it sounds like from from where i'm at right now it sounds like it sounds like a nice it's like you're in a lounge like a nice hotel that's what this you know i mean when you're in new york hotel and they have a lounge kind of going, that's what this feels like.
But the one that I'm going to do is a little more hype. I don't know enough about DJs to know about this guy.
So I don't know. All I know is like...
Questlove is very famous. As a DJ? As a personality, as a musician, as a...
Yeah, as a DJ, as a... Sure.
Questlove? I'm surprised. Oh, I know Questlove.
That's who we're talking about. Oh, I know Questlove.
I know who Questlove is. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, Questlove was born in like 1971, right? He's professionally known as, I was thinking of question mark love. Gotcha.
Not Questlove. When you say Questlove, you got to say his real street name.
Hey, take a look at this. What? Look at this.
It's like she's trying to catch a bird oh yeah oh shit don't you did we schedule anything fun for them when they're at our studio because this is fucking awesome no not at all shouldn't even i don't think she really knows what she's doing i think they told her to do this she doesn't know what she's about do you regularly eat those yeah no you do not i do do bobby buys them for me no you're them for me. No, you're fucking lying.
Can you throw him one? Are you being serious? No. I can't give you one.
This is a bit. This is a real big bit.
Why can't you give him one? Because I'm really hungry. I just came back from school.
Are you going to eat all of them? Yeah, there's only four. You're going to eat four right now? Yeah.
You're so hungry from school? Yeah, I didn't eat lunch. What are you, a physical trainer? What kind of school do you go to? I'm still in high school.
You're in high school? How old are you? 19. What year are you in high school? Senior.
Hey, wait, is this a whole bit? Is she even Filipino? I am.

Are you from Guatemala?

No.

All right.

This isn't real.

This is real.

This is a bit.

I don't think.

Let's find out.

Yeah, let's see if.

Hold on.

I'm going to call Santino.

I'm going to call her fucking aunt.

Tom.

She loves you.

Who?

I did, what's it called? What's his, Tiger Belly? Yeah. Man.
Hey, man. Hey, man.
We definitely haven't started yet because Bobby's late, but also I don't want to talk shit or come off like I'm not appreciative of this, but the dog answers the door, and I said, hey, man, great to see you. And he goes, let's get this going, you f***ing this going That's what he said to me Jesus What is that about I don't get it I don't know if that's his thing now He's got a lot of pent up Like Jay anger deep within He does And I don't know he was like I'm on break When I said hey will you help me set this thing up he said i'm on break and he was in the second room there just eating nickels he was just killing nickels that sounds right he does that because he thinks they're pennies now let me ask you something uh there's no way this is fucking real so giuliani's over here and she's fucking just going fucking ham on these uncrustables yeah so that you know they you know, they're Bart's favorite treat.
And then I go, hey, can you throw him one? She goes, there's only four and I'm hungry. The kid's got to eat though.
But, well, make Bart do something for it. You know what I mean? But four? I mean, what the fuck? She weighs like 80 pounds.
She can't just eat four.

Dude, we let her eat only on the show.

Otherwise she goes back in her cage when she goes back home.

She doesn't get to eat until we take.

So when we film, she's allowed to snack.

And then after we film, she goes back in her cage.

But I will say this, make Bart do some semblance of a competition to get one of those for her.

She loves competition.

Okay, I'll do that. And let me tell you something else just before I let you go here.

We were really excited to work with a high-level producer, and that shit is not happening over here. No, it's not.
No, no, no, it's not. Is it the Mexican kid or the, what is he, Argentinian or whatever? Is he there? I don't know where the fuck he's from.
He looks like he's from North Africa. He's at atrocious and is uh is uh pink there george yeah and it takes him fucking 30 minutes longer to search for shit than it takes native he couldn't even search quest love he's right here tom has tom doesn't like what's going on at the studio he's mad what's going on dude it's terrible i mean fucking rudy won't share her snacks um uh fucking the the fancy b is he's just like he's holding his pinky up when he talks to us like he's real fancy and then george is terrible at everything that a producer would do okay can i just say this yeah at least we didn't have to drive nine hours to get to the fucking studio you piece of shit but your studio Hey, this studio is like three blocks from my house bobby you owe me fucking gas money you fuck i'm saying my dog almost died today you piece of shit i have to drive all the way out of you you fuck i'm saying you ever fucking talk to me like that again you have another thing comment all right bye all right bye jesus god that went well yeah that went really well i feel like we solved a lot of issues by the way I wish Nadav was like his genuine cunty self to them Oh yeah Like genuinely Like the way you get attitude from him And you go I don't think you meant to say it that way And he just has his mask on And it's up on his eyes Because he's overweight And he's just breathing And his glasses are all fogged up He got vaccinated because he's so fat Are you serious? Yeah They have a thing If you're like morbidly obese, you do a thing online and you can get it.
So he got it and he was like bragging about it. He's like, oh, I'm so fat that I can get vaccinated.
God, I wish. I wish.
By the way, I look jacked just in my arms. For real, right? Super jacked.
I mean, this is like next level. That's crazy.
When you see this, you're 19.

I have a hard time talking to her right now.

I'll ask for him.

I'm children.

Do you feel like that's a nice bod?

Nope.

I don't even want to know the answer.

I just eat your uncrustable.

It's a big arm.

It's a big arm.

Yeah.

Well, yeah, you're 19.

You're around high schoolers all day.

Yeah.

Do you feel like it's a dad bod?

Yeah.

But like a respectable one? Yeah. How did you end up moving in with Bobby? And when they said, you can move in with my boyfriend, he's a movie star.
You were like, whoa, Jet Li? No, I didn't really know him, so I didn't care. You didn't know him at all? No.
Like you'd never heard of him or anything? How bad are the Philippines that you're moving with Bobby's better?

That's a pretty good question. I guess.

Did you live in the Philippines and then came here to live with Bobby?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

And how long ago did you move here?

Last year.

Last year.

So did you only have a year left in the Philippines or no?

Yeah, a year left.

Jesus.

We need to get more children on our set.

Now, let year left. Jesus.
We need to get more children on our set. Yeah.
Are you opening a third? Yeah. Are you fucking serious? This isn't real.
How often do you do this? This isn't real. I'm hungry.
Every day you do this? Every day you eat four Uncrustables? She would have been perfect for a show. I know.
She'd be like Krispy Kreme donuts and potatoes. How many donuts can you go through like a Krispy Kreme? Six.
You can just rip through six? We get a box of donuts. You want to fuck up some donuts? We get Georgia running down the Yum Yums.
Yeah. It's right down the street.
Do you eat dinner? Will you eat dinner? No, yeah. Yeah, I will.
What will you have, you think? Eggs and rice. Eggs and rice.
Keeping it real fucking old. Oh, my God.
Do you know what I had the other day? Motherland fucking dessert, huh? Do you know what I had the other day? What's that? I took pasta in... Fried egg.
The greatest fucking thing I've ever had in my life. You never had that before? Never had it in my life, and I will have it every day now.
I just made a big thing of angel hair pasta. And you put that in a pan? I take the pasta, and it's cold.
It's out of the fridge, and it's got butter in it and garlic, little capers, a little bit of lemon. And I kind of let it – I toss it a little bit just to get it warm.
And then I run it like a circle around it. Like put a circle, like a toilet, and then i put a egg in the center and then close the top put uh parmesan on top of it wait do you but do you mix up the egg no you just let it side up sunny side up it's the best thing i've ever had and then you crack the yolk when you're done so then i put it on a plate and i uh and then i very slowly i take my time with it i've never taken my time with anything i have a little pasta I put in a little squirrel and then I break the egg yolk and I have the egg yolk in the center and I dip it in the egg yolk take a bite dude it's the best you're making me fucking hungry right now it's one of the best things I feel like I could eat fucking four uncrustables right now I could fuck it up I've never enjoyed something more what's like a typical breakfast in the Philippines? Eggs and rice.
Eggs and rice. Like scrambled eggs and rice? Or like...
Fried. I wouldn't mind.
I'll tell you what. I wouldn't mind.
Yeah, fried. A fried egg on top of some rice? Oh, and like you guys have...
A hot, hot sauce like that. Because my Filipino friend brought over...
Went to a store and brought over these like Filipino sausages too. Oh, you're from the Philippines.
Do you wipe your ass with your hand? Leaves. Leaves.
See, I wipe my ass with my fingers sometimes. Hold on.
Don't look at me. You just had leaves.
She just went like this. Okay.
So wait. What's the bowl in the Philippine that everyone has it's called a called a bowl not a bowl we say it bowl no no no Joe Koi sells them on his website they're like what are they called um tabo tabo tabo cabo not cabo cabo can you imagine if I did that to you? You're like, you want coffee? I go, that's coffee.
Coffee. Say it.
Coffee. Okay.
Joe Koi has something, and I thought it goes by your toilet, and you dip your fingers in it, wipe your ass, right? Yeah. Some people do that.
Yeah. It's fucking awesome.
Wait, but do you still use leaves when you're here? No. She goes, she's going outside.
Hey, where are you going? Why not though? Why not get a bunch of leaves and then bring them in? Because there's a nice bathroom inside. Oh, okay.
So wait, I'm just asking. Jesus.
I don't mind. What kind of leaves? I wouldn't mind trying to leave.
Yeah, what kind of leaf? Any kind of leaf, as long as it's like brown and big because you don don't want thin. Can I tell you? Can I tell you already? Because then you get dookie on your hand.
Can I already tell you? Yeah. When she said leaves, I assumed it was a handful of leaves, like small tiny leaves.
Yeah. And you just kind of just were like, I just hope not get on my finger.
And then when you said big, I went, yeah, that makes more sense. Yeah.
I'd go out to the fucking Bird of Paradise and grab one of those the leaves are for an outdoor dookie though right

oh you know go out get some leaves

come back in yeah I would

yeah okay yeah

Taco Bell or Taco Bell

just got a brand new um

they have leaves no they got a brand new you're gonna get a lot of

leaves for this Taco Bell they just got

a brand new cheese

cheese lupa

falupa what

Taco Bell's got a brand new thing

Thank you. You're going to get a lot of leaves for this Taco Bell.
They just got a brand new cheese lupa. Falupa? What? Taco Bell's got a brand new thing.
I don't know. Ask the Fancy B.
Fancy B. Just type in Taco Bell and then news.
Quesalupa. Quesalupa.
It's only fucking 610 calories. That looks like a fucking just a talk, man.
The Quesalupa. That's some fucking bullshit.
Right, Fancy B? Yeah, that thing is shit. I mean, is that even a thing? Hold on, hold on, hold on one second.
Are you proclaiming that thing is shit, or should we try it and decide if that thing is shit? I'm proclaiming it. You're proclaiming it? Yep.
This is a guy who knows. Oh, yeah.
I know my tacos. Did you say tacos? The word is tacos.
Tacos. We're very specific about accents on our show.
Yeah. Name a country.
I'll do an accent. Oh, this is a fun game.
Go ahead. Argentina.
Argentina. There you go.
Really good. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Ready? I'll say it. France.
No, hold on.

I'll do a full sentence.

Hi, I am from Argentina.

I'm so sorry my cow got into your yard.

However, let me grab my boliodeiros. I will catch him, bring him back over to my house.

I'll make a little bit of that green stuff I like to make and put on my meat.

And then we will have some Argentinian beef.

All right, next one.

France.

France.

Hello.

Oui, oui, monsieur.

I'm so sorry I gave you herpes.

I was smoking and I could not talk properly

as I drank my wine and came on your teeth.

Oui, oui, monsieur.

Very good.

How about Australia?

Okay.

All right, mate.

Let me get these Aborigines out of here. Get my kangaroo.
And I'll catch this croquis. And I'm going to throw it in the back of my big truck.
You're nailing it today. Keep going.
Germany. And I'm from Germany.
I like to be tied up and shit on That is my thing Cause I am from Germany Kind of fading off there But yeah Keep going First three Greenland Greenland? Hello I am from Greenland Very nice to have you in my country. A lot of people assume that Iceland has green stuff and Greenland has ice stuff, but it's not that way.
I'm from Greenland. Would you like a piece of whale? Keep going.
Russia. So, hello.
I am Russian. Are you the machine? You are? Okay I think my accent's falling apart Back to France I think I'm going back to France Nailing it Korea Korea? I'm not going to do that one Do it in honor of Bobby No, no, no, no, no, no, no Hi, I'm Bobby I'm Bobby Lee.
I take my shirt off. I have a small dick.
All right.

Yeah.

I only do white people accents because it's racist to do other than that, I think.

Right.

Is that how that works?

Yeah.

Wait.

So you, oh, you do. Do you give them permission?

Can you do a.

Will you give them permission to do it?

Yeah, I give you permission.

You're not Korean.

Filipino.

Okay.

Filipino. Is that it? Did that sound like it not Korean.
Filipino. Okay.
Filipino.

Is that it?

Did that sound like it?

No.

No.

Okay.

Ready?

You do my accent to me.

Okay.

And just word for word.

Really, really try to make it sound like me.

Okay.

Hi.

I'm Bert Kreischer.

Again.

Hi.

Let's go word for word.

And then we'll piece the sentence together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This will be good.
Okay. Ready? This is a good idea.
Ready? Hi. Hi.
Let's go word for word. And then we'll piece the sentence together.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. This will be good.
Okay, ready? This is a good idea. Ready? Hi.
Hi. I'm Bert Kreischer.
I'm Bert Kreischer. Wow.
That was really good. That was really fucking good.
That was really good. That was really good.
Okay. Okay, ready? Keep going.
Ready? Okay. And.
And.

I have AIDS.

I have AIDS.

Well, if that's not memeable, I don't know what is.

Yeah, that's pretty good.

That was pretty fucking great.

That was really great.

Do you want this, Tito?

Yeah, I would.

Okay.

I would love it.

So are you familiar with who either of us are? No. you say thank you in Filipino salamat with a T salamat salam alaikum I don't know that is it from salamat same same are you Me too.
What are you doing for Easter?

Nothing.

You're not going to pray?

No.

You're not going to go to church?

No.

He is risen.

We just don't do that.

Jesus.

These are nice and cold too.

Can I tell you?

She's three deep already.

Watch this.

Wait, wait, wait. Okay, let's see.

American.

Yeah, you're American, all right.

All right.

All right, I've been sleeping like shit.

Really bad, yeah.

Me too lately.

I need to fucking call Bobby and figure out how to do it right,

because I've been getting up to pee at like 3.34,

and I don't go back to sleep.

I stay awake.

Stay awake till like 6.30 and I get up.

With panic attacks?

No, but... I've been getting up to pee at like 3.34 and I don't go back to sleep.
I stay awake. Stay awake till like 6.30 and I get up.

With panic attacks?

No, but just like my mind runs and then, you know, I've been getting pretty high like with edibles to go to sleep.

I think I'm getting too high.

Like I'm like buzzing.

See, that's what I'm afraid of.

I'm afraid.

That's why I'm afraid to take edibles.

Because I'm afraid I'll take it and then wake up with searing anxiety attacks. That could happen.
I already wake up with anxiety attacks. If I drink, I wake up with anxiety attacks.
If you drink? So don't you have them pretty often? I didn't quit drinking, but I just stopped for a while because I was like, this is killing me. But didn't you just drink the other night? Yeah, last night, but I'm not drinking tonight.
Okay, but you have anxiety last night then? Yeah, in the middle of the night. What time? Searing anxiety.
Like really? Like four in the morning, and I go don't look at your watch, don't look at your watch, don't look at your watch, and then I look at my watch, I'm like I swear to God, there should be a game show. What's your anxiety about? Death.
Death? I'm fucking my life up and I'm dying. From what? Just drinking too much and partying and not eating right.

Can I have another one, by the way?

Are you going to eat it?

You ate three fucking Uncrustables?

Yeah.

Does she really do this all the time?

Yeah.

Jesus.

That's unbelievable.

I'm like thirsty, thirsty today.

You are?

What do you want?

Oh, yeah. I'll take a water.
I'll take both of them. I have a problem with excess.
Have you ever gotten drunk before? Yeah. Oh, for real? What's the drinking age in the Philippines? Any age.
Any age. Just get down.
When was the first time you got drunk? How old were you? 12. No, not drunk, but I...
You drank at 12. I drank at 12 12 but i got drunk at 16 um do you have any questions you'd like to ask me um do you know who i am you're a comedian yes do you know my do you know which one's bert which one's tom you're a tito board you're that's right yeah okay i love that tito shit do you um have you ever seen-up? No.
Do you ever watch stand-up? A little. Who do you like to watch? I like...
Wait, John Mulaney. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Everyone does. Give us someone that no one likes.
Yeah, I mean, Jesus. Joke away? Hey, dude, for real? Joke away? He's fucking hilarious.
All right, he also sells stadiums out. Give us a fucking obscure one.
You're like, oh, you know who I really like, which I didn't think you'd know about, is... Do you like Bobby's stand-up? I don't watch.
Do you like Andrew's stand-up? I don't watch. Kind of mean and racist a little bit.
I don't watch any of their stand up by the way you made the right choice hey did you like my recommendation in and of itself? on Hulu? could not sit through it why not? what was the point of it? that's an interesting question what do you think i'm sure i had to be had to have a really great secret ending where he was related to every secret ending or something had to have something because i was i don't mean to shit on it i'm sure that guy's extremely talented he is he is he's a but here's the other thing is like i did a podcast with me i know i saw that and then i was like and you're like i don't want to give away your show. So I was like, okay, it's going to be a good show.

I started watching it with Leanne, and Leanne's such a cunt.

Do you guys have the word cunt in Philippines?

What is it?

We can say piste or putangina.

Putangina?

Putangina.

Putangina.

Putangina.

And that's the fucking Spicks did that.

They came there, and they gave you puta. He can say that he's's Spanish I hope you don't think I'm apologizing for spick and I'm his friend I can say it too put that Leanne just goes I don't get it like five minutes in so now I'm like because it takes a little long because he's like this is the cross and Leanne's like I don't get it where is this going Where is this going? And I'm like, because it takes a little long.
Because he's like, this is the cross. Yeah.
And Leanne's like, I don't get it. Where's this going? Where's this going? And I'm like, hey, can you stop, please? Because I'm trying to enjoy it.
And she's like, okay. Yeah, that's how to ruin it.
Yeah. And then she's like, it's slow.
And I was like, babe, it's not slow. It's just he's building to something.
Yeah. And then I'm rooting for him.
I'm like, please do something fucking big. Oh, yeah.
And then 45 minutes in, 47 minutes in, he still kind of hadn't done anything big. And I'm like, it was interesting when he's like, all right, can the person that was here at the last show stand up? And then that person stands up.
You'll be here tomorrow. You don't know what's going on.
They don't know what's going on. It's like building to something.
I'll watch the second half. It was just at 47 minutes.
I was sober. And I was like, it needs to speed up.
Okay. Like, there's not a lot of action.
And then I'm like, I'm definitely not watching.

Settle, settle, settle.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, no.

Because I'm like, I can't trust your fucking recommendation.

You should see the feedback on my recommendations.

No.

Yes.

Have you guys seen In and of Itself?

Yeah.

Fancy Beat.

Did you like it?

I loved it.

How the fuck?

Bro, listen to me.

Okay. You saying that you didn't get it and tapped out is an endorsement of the show.
And 000 is unbelievable. It is unbelievable.
So you think the guy that did in and of itself watched it and he goes, yeah, I didn't want you to watch it. No, I don't think he said that at all.
He's a really, really nice, interesting guy nice interesting very nice very but by the way his face doesn't change in a podcast or that show yeah yeah it's almost like he's got like he's got a shit but he doesn't know where the bathroom is like he's like this like he would laugh at that i'm assuming he would laugh at that i saw i saw him on the podcast as soon as i saw him on podcast i go all right i'm watching in and of itself yeah and i start watching it and it's i mean it's good like with card stuff it was really good yeah but i need something big okay there's big stuff i'll tell you what i'll watch the rest of it tonight i'll give you feedback okay tomorrow on our podcast and now just so you know zero zero zero is is we're not talking about the same type of thing at all that is a crime saga insane story eight episode that's

it they're only doing one season they spent 165 million dollars on eight episodes for real yeah

it better look like 165 million hey man this is a shit show

what's the problem everything's a problem problem. The fucking, the chairs, goddamn Rudy, your staff.
Put it up, put it up, put it up, put it up to the mic. You know, I come in here, dude.
I come in here, dude, right? Speak English. Speak English.
Go ahead. Oh, that's very funny.
I come in here, right, and I say hi to the larger guy that works here. Uh-huh.
I can do it. Whatever that, the guy.
Bert? Yeah. The circle, right? And then I come in here, I say, hey, Nevad, right? Nevad.
The other guy, the Jew, right? So nice, even though I was 20 minutes late. So nice, right? 30 minutes late, right? What are you doing over there? That woman in there, her name is Jules.
She's my daughter pretty much. They're trying to steal her food.
That's crazy. Hey, guess what? What? Bert took one of her Uncrustables.
Oh, shit. Let me talk to Jules.
Okay. Dito Bobby? How are they? They're really kind.
They talk like a white person. Hi.
Hi. Get out of there.
Hi. Hi, Bobby.
Hey, Bobby. Everything is good.
Everything is good. Oh, my God.
She's fucking tied up. Okay, bye, Tito Bobby.
Hey. Hey.
Tito Bobbyito Bobby. Hey, I got to tell you something.
Hung up on him. That was fun.
Oh, Tito Bobby, yeah? That thing's just staring at me. Yeah, you really, I can tell.
Fuck up some Taco Bell. Because I don't feel like eating on a podcast counts as calories.
It doesn't. And plus you worked out today.
I ran five miles, five and a half miles. Do you think I could run the LA Marathon? Maybe.
I did. That's a good trick question for someone.
Does it look like I do triathlons? I do.

Yeah, I work out like crazy.

It doesn't show.

My body doesn't show it.

All the arms show.

Those arms are no joke.

Let's see.

How much do you curl?

I have no idea.

Like 50 pounds.

50 pounds in each arm?

20 times.

20 times.

That's cool.

How's that deadlift going?

3.05.

Just like that. First time? First time for 3.05.
And then right now I do 60% of that weight 12 times, four different sets. And then I do 75% of that weight six times, four different sets.
Look at you, man. Yeah.
I'm really lifting weights. My back is strong as fuck right now.
I believe you. I feel good.
I love lifting weights.

I really am turning into a meathead.

Like when you get up and you feel good and you've been lifting weights and then you go in the mirror and you're like,

God damn, I look fucking good.

And then you hear your wife go,

You're like, it's not that bad.

Do you think Bobby's ever going to have kids?

He wants to, but Kalilah doesn't want to.

She doesn't want kids?

I didn't know it was like that. I figured it would be the other way around.
I definitely thought it would be the other way around. I definitely would guess it's the other way around.
You know what she said about you? Who? Kalilah. What did she say? She was like, I love him.
I'm pretty amazing. Only you would take it like that.
Wait, say it again. She was just saying how she had the best time podcasting with you.
Because we both have the same OCD ocds we have a lot in common really like we're very both very broken people like all our all our fucking eccentricities all dial into the same shit really yeah because what i did is before i did their podcast i got a covid test and then sent it to them and so more a mask going in and then told everyone i was taking a mask off and then she was like just you know she's worried about the COVID and she was like just thank you for doing all that it means a lot oh wow I didn't do any of that yeah I know I walked in here you're already raw dog and everyone talking on the phone yeah I'll take the private jet to fucking point shut up have you ever flown in a private jet no oh you should hang out with Tom he goes every's got a hot tub in it. Hey, I think you're going on one pretty soon.

Where are you going again?

I don't know.

It's pretty far.

Isn't it pretty far?

No.

That sounds like a long flight.

Change the subject.

Oh, okay, okay.

Interesting how that works.

Yeah.

You walked into that one, didn't you?

I walked right into it.

Yeah, you sure did.

All right, let's read a script. They wrote scripts for us? This is the singing ring.
Hey, Andres. Yes.
Were you offended by my use of the pejorative word spic? No, I'm from Spain. Yeah, that means you're a spic.
You know what that stands for? No. I thought those words were used with Mexicans.
No, sir. Okay, so then, yes, I'm offended.
How does this I have no idea. I'm not, wigs freak me out.
Yeah. I guess you're Andrew.
Where's your wig? I don't have. Okay.
Katie is sitting with Regina. You are Regina.
I'm Regina? Yes. Okay.
Do I look good? I'm playing a woman in this? Yes. All of you are women.
Do you guys do a script every episode?

Not every episode.

Just this one.

Wait, you're who?

I'm Regina.

And who am I?

Kate.

Caddy.

Wait, and who's Rudy?

Gretchen.

Okay.

Where's Gretchen at?

She's in there.

Next page.

Okay.

Here we go.

Do you guys want to read the action or do you want us to read the action?

Sure, I'll read the action.

Okay.

Interior.

Cafetria. A few minutes later, Caddy sitting with Regina and her best friend Karen and Gretchen.
These are the plastics. Why I don't know...
Why don't I know... Why don't I know you? I'm dyslexic.
Why don't I know you? I'm new. I just moved here two weeks ago from Africa.

What?

I used to be homeschooled. Wait, what?

My mom taught me

at home. No!

I know

what homeschooled is. I'm not...

So actually, you've never

been to a real school before?

No.

Shut up!

Regina looks at Gretchen, excited, then looks back at Caddy.

As she was staring at a unicorn.

Shut up!

I didn't say anything!

You know, you're really pretty. you so you agree what oh this is from fucking mean girls yes oh okay oh i'm like wait this is a fucking dick stole this from someone so you think you're really pretty oh i don't know regina grabs katty's arm to look at Katty's bracelet.
It's a white brown leather band with decorative holes punched in it. Where did you get that bracelet? I love it.
My mom made it. It's adorable.
It's so fetch. What is fetch? It's like slang from England.

Regina rolls her eyes. So, if you're from Africa, why are you white? Oh my god, Regina.
You can't just ask people why they're white. Katty, could you give us some privacy for like one second? Sure.
Regina Gretchen turn around and whisper. Okay.
Okay, let me oust Say that we don't Do this a lot So you should know that this is like A huge deal We want to invite you to have lunch with us Every day for the rest of the week Oh okay Great so we'll see you tomorrow On Wednesdays we wear pink Can we take that from the top now that I know what movie this is? I think so. Let's do it one more time.
I've never seen this movie. Oh, it's fucking fetch.
It is so good. Yeah.
It is fucking, it's a really good movie. And can I just say that I think that if we're going to give second shots to people, if we're bringing back Paris Hilton, right? Yeah.
And now everyone that ever made fun of Paris Hilton is getting canceled for it, then we should bring back fucking Lindsay Lohan. She is awesome.
Is she gone or something? No, but just no one's giving her a second chance. And the fucking world trashed Lindsay Lohan and she was an awesome fucking actress.
An awesome actress. I'll tell you right now, if I have money, I put her in a movie.
Yeah? In a heartbeat. She was fucking awesome.
Freaky Friday with Jane Curtin. Not Jane Curtin.
Jane, never mind. I hope you get to make a movie someday.
Alright, let's go ahead. Here we go.
And from the top. Take her from the top.
Read our action a little faster. Wait, hold on.
Stop. Stop.
You have any direction? I don't know what I'm reading here. Okay.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Okay, so you're Lindsay Lohan.
That's Katie? Yeah, and right now you're in like sloppy dress. You're like dressed like a hippie.
Your mom is, you're really smart but you don't want those these girls to know that okay and you've never interacted with people

because you were born in africa and your mom homeschooled you okay and so you don't know how

to interact so like when when we get to the part where i say where i say uh so you think you're

pretty like i'm trying to trick you because i'm a mean girl yeah right so you just like kind of

confused like no okay okay okay all right so you kind of just uh so wait you're caddy right katie right katie yeah katie katie okay okay here we go let's try it from the top are you ready yeah and also maybe you set up rudy's character too who the fuck's rudy oh yeah yeah rudy you're you're stupid okay so you're played by you Love Hewitt. Is it Jennifer Love Hewitt? Amanda Siegfried.
Is it Amanda Siegfried? Yep. So you're kind of stupid.
Okay. It's like, that's so fetch.
Okay? Okay. So you really like that.
Can you do that accent? Let's try to get that accent off the ground. Ready? Okay, here we go.
Can you do like a ballet girl? Oh, no. That's so hard.
Like, oh, my God. Ah, my God.
Do this. Say what I'm talking about.
Go, ah. Ah.
And then say all the words like that. Oh, my God.
There you go. Perfect.
You got it. You got it.
Great job. Great job.
You're killing it, Rudy. Okay.
Try that at school. You'd be like one of the cool girls.
I want an uncrossable.

You guys eat like four uncrossables

every day.

I had rice and egg today.

I want an uncrossable.

I wipe with leaves,

you guys.

You guys have my leaves.

That's so fat.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

So really, really bring that accent.

Andres.

Okay.

We're going.

Yeah.

Interior.

Hey, can I, no offense.

Okay.

But you're really selling your own passionate language down the fucking drain here.

Can you read it with a little, like, read it like we're in bed.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

There you go.

Like, like, like, your name is Diego Mont. Okay? Okay.
Yeah, there you go. Like you're talking to a woman.

Like your name is Inigo Montoya

and I killed your father. There you go.

Katie is sitting with Regina

and her best friend. Come on, do it like that.

Yeah, sexy. Okay.

Let's not do it like you're just checking to see if we have

stolen cigarettes in our backpacks.

Interior

cafeteria. A few minutes

later, Katie is sitting with Regina and her her best friend Karen. These are the plastics.
Why don't I know you? Oh, I'm new. I just moved here two weeks ago from Africa.
What? I used to be homeschooled. Wait, what? My mom taught me at home.

I know what homeschooled is.

I'm not ready.

So actually, you've never been to a real school before?

No.

Shut up.

Regina looks at Gretchen, excited.

Then looks at Caddy again, as if she was staring at a unicorn.

Shut up.

I didn't say anything. You know, you're really pretty.
Thank you. So you agree? What? You think you're really pretty.
Oh, I don't know. Regina grabs Caddy's arm to look at Caddy's bracelet.
It's a white brown leather band with decorative holes punch in it. Where did you get that bracelet? I love it.
My mom made it for me. It's adorable.
It's a white brown leather band with the Cardiff Hall's punch in it. Where did you get that bracelet? I love it.

My mom made it for me. It's adorable.
It's so fetch. It's like, what is fetch? It's like slang from England.
Regina rolls her eyes. so, if you're from Africa, why are you white? Oh my god, Regina.
So good. You're killing it.
You can't just say, you can't just ask people what they're white. Kenny.
Kenny can you be so proud to see for like one second? So, Regina and Gretchen turn around and whisper, Okay. Let me just say that we don't do this.
We don't do this a lot, so you should know that this is like a huge deal. We want to...
Keep going. Start the line over.
That was perfect. You're doing it great.
We want to invite you to have lunch with us every day for the rest of the week. Oh, okay.
Great. So we'll see you tomorrow.
On Wednesdays, we wear pink. We wear pink! That was fucking awesome! Oh my god.
Amazing. That was fucking awesome! You really take direction.
Do I look good? Give us another scene. Come on.
We're so in the fucking no. This looks so good.
This is fucking fun here you go what you got for us all right and then one of you can be the director one of you can be the uh rudy's wheel rudy's wheel rudy's wheel all right tom i think i should help direct rudy in this yes okay and then tom you play Tom, you play Sean. What's this from? Or do we not know? I know what it is.
You know what it is? Yeah. Okay.
Let's read it one time. Okay.
Let's read it one time. I already know what this is.
And Rudy is Will? Will. Okay.
Rudy's Will. Okay.
Go ahead. It's going to be tough, Rudy.
Okay. Sean.
Interior. Sean's office.
Day. Sean looks to turn.
It's Will. He's standing in the doorway.
I can come back. Sean smiles.
A beat. Will sees a file on Sean's desk.
What's that? Oh, this is your file. I have to send it back to the judge with my evaluation.
You're not going to fail me, are you? Sean smiles.

So, what's it say?

You want to read it?

No. Have you had any experience with that?

20 years of counseling, you see a lot of... No.
Have you had any experience with that?

Yes.

It sure ain't good.

My dad used to make us walk down to the park and collect the sticks he was going to beat us with. Actually, the worst of my beatings were between me and my brother.
We would practice on each other trying to find sticks that would break. He used to just put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on the kitchen table and say, choose.
Gotta go with the belt there. I used to go with the wrench.
The wrench? Why?

Because fuck him, that's why.

Is that why me and

Skylar broke up?

I didn't know you had. Do you want to talk about

that? I don't know a lot,

Will, but let me tell you one thing.

All this history, this shit,

look here, son.

Will, I'm sorry, I got so lost

in the acting. Will, who's been looking away, looks Sean this is not your fault oh I know it's not your fault I know it's not your fault I know it's not your fault I know it's not your fault don't fuck with me it's not your fault I know it's not I know I know okay Sean takes his arm puts him around Will Ben Affleck shows up this ladies and gentlemen is goodwill hunting never seen it are you serious okay here so you're Robin Williams okay okay so you need to really vary your accent a little up.
Like, you got to really Robin Williams it up. Yeah, I would take the wig off.
Yeah, sure. Now, you're going to need a Boston accent.
Southie, if we can. What is that? Okay.
You're going to park the car. Okay? Park the car.
Ah, that fucking fuck that guy. You ever know who Bill Burr is? Fucking fuck that guy.
Hey, cut that. Okay, that's a really good

bird, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ready?

So let's work on

I can come back.

Okay. It's almost like a

bird. Like a Boston person sounds

like a bird that's standing

outside your window and wake you up in the morning.

I can.

Okay, so then let me hear that. I can

come back. I can come back.
That's perfect Boston accent. That is a perfect Boston accent.
So if you can say that now, here's the only thing I'm going to need you to do. Okay.
These are the two notes I'm going to give you. When we get to.
You guys really connect when he says, when he says the wrench, why? I need you to take your time.

I want you to look down.

And then I want you to look up confident.

Now you're confident right now, okay?

And I want you to smile at Tom.

And with your Boston accent, go,

God's fucking, that's why.

Okay?

It's a little, I mean,

you're going to do the Boston accent better than that?

Like you're going to smile like fucking confident

because you're about to lose your shit. Because what I need right here, it's not your fault, I know.
Smiles. I know.
Like this. Like this.
Ready? I don't want to give you line reads, but like this. The first one, I know.
Right? And then he's going to go, hey, it's not your fault. And then you're going to go, I know.
And then he's going to go, it's not your fault. And then you look him in the eyes.
I know. Okay? And then when he goes, it's not your fault.
I want you to, now you're about to cry. Oh, I'm getting chill bumps.
You're about to cry. Can you cry on command? No.
Okay, bite your inner lip like this. Can I throw something at you? Will that freak you out? Maybe.
Bite your inner lip, and I want you to start crying. Don't fuck with me.
Okay? Don't fuck with me is when you start to go, don't fuck with me. Okay? That's when I want to see emotion.
And then he's going to go, it's not your fault. And then I want you to go around the thing and hug her.
It's not your fault. And then I, I know you're falling apart.
Okay? At the end. So you need to build to that.
Smiles. Serious.
I know. Right? And then, hey, don't fuck with me because you don't want to cry because you're a guy from Boston, and all you've ever done is, like, sip beers and shoot pops and fucking kick cars.
Cars. Ready? Cars and cats.
Cars. Say car.
Wall buggers. Car.
Yeah, there you go. That's a Boston accent.
All right, we're going to take it from the top. Here we go.
Here we go. You got your accent.
You got your accent? Wait. Say it again.
Okay. No, I can come back.
Say I can come back. She wants you to say I can come back the way you want her to say it.
Oh. The first line.
Oh, oh. I forgot how to do it.
I can come back. Now I'm lost in my accent.
Can you play a Boston accent up here? Type in Boston accent. YouTube.
This is his exact accent accent if we could hear it voice that's your voice that's what it's like no i mean no i i i would i would have to put it on to do a really sharp one you ready um teach me a little boston this is a boston i say if i go to boston like the word ma right for your mother yeah yeah so you'd say ma downstairs? Any sort of Eastern accent's acceptable, okay? So just, ah, fucking ma. Ah, you don't, ah, I don't, ah.
And feel free to, if you don't like the word, just go, ah, bah. If you want to do it with, like, another nation's accent, that works, too.
Okay. Okay? All right.
All right. I can come back.
Okay? Okay. Let's go.
I might not be the best dialect coach. I'm digging it, but let's start.
Okay, here we go. Interior of Sean's office.
Day. Sean turns to look.
It's Will. He's standing in the doorway.
I can come back. Sean smiles.
You're killing it. Keep there.
Sean smiles a beat Will sees a file on Sean's desk What's that? Oh You're doing great You're doing great You're doing great You are This is your file I have to send it back to the judge With my evaluation You're not gonna fail me are you? You're killing it. You're killing it.

Sean smiles.

So what's it say?

You want to read it?

Nah.

Have you had any experience with

that? 20 years of

counseling, you see a lot of...

Nah. Have you had any experience

with that?

Yes.

It sure ain't good. My dad used to make us walk down to the park and collect the sticks he was going to beat us with.
Actually, the worst of the beatings were between me and my brother. We practiced on each other trying to find sticks that would break.
He used to watch just-

He used to just put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on the kitchen table and say choose. Gotta go with the belt there.
I used to go with the wrench. The wrench? Why? Because fuck him, that's why.
Perfect. A long, quiet quiet moment is that why me and skylar broke up i i didn't know you had do you want to talk about that but i i don't know a lot will but let me tell you one thing all this history this look here son Will had been looking away looks at Sean This is not your fault.

I know.

It's not your fault.

I know.

It's not your fault.

I know.

It's not your fault I know it's not your fault I know it's not your fault don't fuck with me it's not your fault I know it's not I know I know I know I know I want to direct a high school musical.

Rudy.

Rudy, you're killing me.

Oh, my God.

You're amazing.

What are you talking about?

You're an actor.

You really are.

You nailed the accent.

I mean, I really thought you were from Southie.

I almost wanted to buy a cod off you.

Bobby's going to lose his place as the acting king in your house. Jesus.
Jesus is right. Good Will Hunting, your range.
You played a white chick, a valley girl, and you played Will, Tom, Matt Damon. You were fantastic.
You're fucking amazing. I can't believe this piece of shit isn't answering the phone God I think people are going to be blown away call Bobby Bobby you think he'll answer yeah what if it went to ring super offensive Elizabeth Banks struggles with a Boston accent.

What accent do you think I have?

I don't know.

A normal one?

Really?

Isn't that crazy?

I think that America is just accent-free.

They're not answering.

Those guys are too good to answer.

The fucking worst.

I forgot I had a wig on, and I was like, does it feel good? Wait, you're not going to do it because Leanne doesn't want it? Did he just call right back? He did. Santini.
Brandy. Hey.
Oh my God, what the fuck is that? What happened? Oh my God, Tommy. Bobby just hawked up what looks like a tonsil stone that's that's no shit i'm not kidding it's the size of like an m&m hey that's huge it's on your table it's gonna stay there oh listen what's up rudy just fucking won an oscar she is she's an actor man she's an actor we know like we we know how dope she is.
By the way, the crew over here is loving us. He even said to us, this is a completely different level, guys.
A new level. He said, you guys are leveling up this show.
We coming down a bit, you know? Yeah, you should. You should.
Nikav said, slow down a little bit. You guys are crushing way too hard for the time he's like usually tell him if they're having a good time do two episodes yeah yeah hey listen we need to bank some shows go ahead and do a second for us good call hey but I feel like Rudy's ten times the actor Bobby is I feel like it's gonna going to cause some problems at home.
Oh, his face just dropped.

His face just dropped. Oh my God.
Oh my God, dude.

No, he's touching his face. But wait, why

doesn't he ask... He's nervous when he touches

his face. Oh my God, when he gets sad, he touches

his face. Why doesn't he ask her

for help when he has auditions and stuff?

She's a natural. She's an accent queen.

Dude, you're getting him. He's touching the mic.

Oh, what was the horror movie? He sanitized the mics. Oh, yeah.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, shit, but just give him a second. Bobby says he wants to poop on the table.
Oh, that sounds like a Bobby move. Oh, man.'s so fun doing this It's a really good idea I'm so glad we switched the team Why the fuck would we do that with this team Tell Nadab Tell Nadab what he's listening Is he listening Tell him to get his phone by him Yeah tell him his up your phone, Navad.
Jesus. Hey.
What's up, Bert? Sanitize the mics, please. Sanitize the mics, he said.
First of all, you guys got corona. That's true.
Now, I already had it. Yep.
Bobby is impervious to it. How is he impervious? Because, you know, they say if you're...
His blood type is soy sauce. They can't get it.
Dude, he eats birds. Oh, shit.
You might. Honestly, you might.
Hey, let me see where they are. I want to see how close they are to Mike's.
Yeah, he wants to see. Can they see? Alright, hold on.
Oh, Bobby's on my side? Of course. Yeah.
Oh, fuck. He's disappointed that you're on his side his side Bobby's mad right now He's pissed off that you said that about the acting thing Oh really Oh he thinks it's a waste of time Okay Love you Do you want to ask any more questions to us Do you like Bad friends Alright that was it was a lot of thank you for being a bad friend is that how it ends yeah hang on let me let me make sure we've covered all the subjects we didn't sing a song let's fucking go man we didn't sing a song we should sing one song why um what's a what's a good what's a good song that incorporates bad friends daddy why you die oh yeah daddy Oh, yeah, Daddy, Why You Die.
What's that song? You don't know Daddy, Why You Die? Daddy, why you die? Why you die? I love you. Daddy, daddy, daddy, I love you.
Why are you there, daddy? Please come back. It's just me and mom and brother.
Dad, brother, daddy. Come on, try to do it.
Try to do it. Play with us.
Ready? We'll sing it. Daddy, daddy, why are you dead? Come back.
It's just me and mother in my Bulgogi, I'll be I love this, I love this, I love this. All right.
Have you guys ever, have you ever heard the song Elephant in My Backyard? No. I think you could probably sing along.
Okay. Here we go.
There's an elephant in my backyard and it won't stop honking.

Come on, sing it with me. There's an elephant in my backyard and it won't stop honking.
It's gray and it's big and it's ears flap like telephone books. Have you guys ever heard the song, I Went Fishing and Guess What I Caught? Okay, here we go.
You ready? I think you know it. Oh, I went fishing.
Guess what I caught? I caught a telephone. I caught a telephone.
And it was on a motorcycle. Is this a special needs song? Is this how they teach? Okay.

I want to sing this song. I want to sing this song.
Let me tell you why I love you. Okay? Okay.
Ready? Oh, let me tell you why I love you. It's your eyes And your nose

And your mouth Tell you why I love you. It's your eyes.

And your nose.

And your mouth.

And your...

Listen.

Listen.

By the way, this is so much fucking fun.

Wait, you do a song to me, okay?

You do a song to me.

What's the name of the song?

Anime.

The name of the song is Anime?

Okay, okay.

All right, here we go.

Let's start it off.

Let's start it off with, ready?

I like watching guys with big eyes and they're so petite.

I don't think you knew the game we were playing.

I don't think you knew the game we were playing. Okay.
Look into your camera, goddammit. He just started singing a song! My...
We did it!

Oh my god! He just started singing a song. We did it four times.
We did it together. Just now when I was 13, he just started singing.
I said, what's the name of your song? She goes, anime. And I go, okay, so what's up to you, anime? She goes, I like watching anime because of their big eyes.
Did you think I was going to guess that? Did you think I watch anime? You know we both watch anime. And then we both were drawn to a big eye character.
Oh, I'm sweating. I'm fucking sweating.
We did four fucking songs. Did you know what we were doing? I feel it.
Oh, my God. All right.
Oh, my God. She just started saying why she liked anime They liked her features I like big eyes I get lost when I watch anime I like a little blanket Okay Rudy you're the best Rudy if you ever want to come over to Two Bears One Cave and have a safe place it's on I'm fucking sweating I gotta take this fucking shirt off okay oh my daughter's gonna put this on it's gonna smell like fucking armpits.
What? This shirt is a small. Why are you going to put it on? Because it's hers.
Oh. It's not my shirt.
I had to find my daughter's shirts like Bobby puts on her shirt to do this show. I can't believe that she just started singing.
That was great. She's like, look, because their eyes are made, their features are exciting, and the stories evolve.
The stories are easy to follow. There is fantastic artists involved with the animation.
What the fuck? How do you not know this, man?

Why can't you do it when I sing?

I can't fit yours, but you can't fit mine.

I said, what's the name of your song?

And she just goes, anime.

I've been waiting for this all day.

I don't want to tell everyone about anime it originated in japan i have so many friends that like anime also sometimes when i'm in school all i do is think about it look what's behind her top He's fucking here there's unsuspecting violence that you'll never know is coming in all right oh all right fuck me look in your goddamn camera

is this at the same time yeah yeah ready one two three thank you for being a bad friend why why is jules rudy did you andrew said that um about rudy giliani juliani yeah juliani yeah yeah and that's how they name me. That you're like him?

No. Yeah, you have a lot of similar

characteristics. I mean, I see it.
I mean, I physically

see it, but I'm like... I was going to say Andrew

Cuomo, but yeah, Rudy Giuliani.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So what do you have in common with him, though?

Besides, like, you both in Italian?

I think, I don't know, maybe just

his face.

I see that. Yeah.
I see that. Let me see, smile once.
Let's see. Oh, yeah.
She smiled like she was selling you the teeth. Yeah, yeah.
Do you want them all? Woo-hoo. Yeah.
Woo-hoo. Yeah.
Woo. Yeah.

Woo.

Woo.

Yeah.