KATS and Hey Babe Clap Back

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Hey, hey, y'all. Hey, y'all.
We got new merch available. And I'm telling you right now, we sell them.
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Click it. Go to badfriendsmerch.com.
Click whatever you need to click. Go get it.
Or go get it. Also, your boy is going to be in Salt Lake City, April 8, 9, 10.
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Me too. Go to AndrewSantino.com to get those tickets and buy some merch down below.
Thank you. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
What's the vote? What's the consensus? That you're gay. People think that I'm bisexual.
Someone wrote a song about it. Someone wrote a song about it? Yeah.
Oh, that's interesting. Love song? Somebody wrote...
Okay, so last week, the episode did well. A very hot guy.
A very hot guy. Ooh, ooh, ooh.
Body's just a little pie. Just a little pie.
45% of pie. 45% buy.

Dance! Dance! Dance!

Make her dance!

She won. Make her dance.
Bobby's just a little bye. That's a great song.
Continuation from last week. Bobo is back from Hawaii.
Makala, maka, hey, no. Oh, hello, hello, hello.
To you. Bro, geez, when I was in Hawaii, I saw this.

I saw a couple of that Woody Allen thing.

Oh, the documentary?

Do you watch it?

No, two movies.

I saw Manhattan and Annie Hall.

How were they?

Really good.

Yeah?

He's a great filmmaker.

People don't realize.

You know, he does slapstick well.

No, he does.

Yeah, he does.

He does slapstick.

He does bananas and sleeper slapstick-y.

I don't know.

Soon-Yi is his dog.

I have no idea what you're saying right now.

Let's make it up.

Oh, you want to make it up?

Yeah.

Okay, let's make it up.

Go ahead.

No, wait a minute.

In the documentary, Andres, you saw it?

Not yet.

Did you see the documentary?

No, I didn't watch it yet.

I wanted to watch it. Neil Brennan had the best joke.
He said, it's the worst Woody Allen movie I've ever seen. It's funny.
It's funny. So he adopts this girl from where? He doesn't adopt.
She was already pre-adopt. What do you mean? By Mia Farrow.
Mia Farrow had already had this little chingling. You know, because you can get chinglings from over there for cheap.
Cheap. Yeah, real cheap.
Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Yeah.
So what do you mean? She got 50 of them. She has a bunch.
Discount. You know what I mean? So she adopts this girl.
She got in bulk. She got chinglings in bulk.
She got Costco chinglings? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So they came over, right? Named them, you know what I mean? Yeah.
You're Moses, you know what I mean? Moses? Yeah, there's one with the thick glasses. His name is Moses.
It's Moses. Okay.
I'm Moses? Yeah, you're Moses. Yeah, but my real name, Ting Ting.
You know what I mean? No, you're Moses now. Okay, Ting Ting, you're Moses now.
And then, so, Sun Yi was already, but she, they fucked up because they adopted Sun Yi. She was the only one that was adopted later in life.
How old was she when they adopted her? I don't know, like seven? 13, 17. How old was she? Seven.
Seven, eight. Okay.
He raises her as his stepdaughter. Not really.
He came in and he's just like, you know, at first standoffish a bit. You know what I mean? What do you mean? Why are you laughing? Why are you geeking? He did raise her, right? Am I stupid? Did he raise her, Andres? I don't want to say raise because he had his own apartment he would come by all the time hey soon you know it's me woody in the beginning because you want me to film you in the beginning she was like you know um they make her a slave or do they make her a maid around the house let me try to um say these words appropriately so that i don't get in trouble well how could you get in trouble? You didn't – No, because I need to – I have a thought about it.
So when she – when he first was dating Mia, she was young, right? And she kind of looked – but as she got older, she really became taller and more attractive. And I think through time – You're talking about Soon-Yi became more attractive.
Yeah, yeah. I think through time, after three or four years, he came to breakfast one day and she probably gave him pancakes or whatever.
And he looked up and looked at her little... You know what I mean? Boink, boink! Yeah, anyway.
Oh, Sun Yi. But how old was she when this relationship happened? She was...
she, Andre? Do you know? Yeah. I think she was legal.
Barely legal. Barely legal.
17, maybe. At 17.
Okay, and then they became lovers. But that's not the crazy one.
What's the crazy one? Dylan. Dylan.
Is the younger one who was his real adopted one. Okay.
Who was white. He adopted a white? Yeah.
Okay. Dylan was white.
Expensive babies, huh? It cost about half a million dollars or whatever. The ching-chings from bulk, 50 of them? $38.75.
$14.95. Two payments.
Yeah, two payments. Well, you do two easy payments.
$14.95. Yeah, payments Yeah And they come over in a ship Yeah Like you know When you get a European one It comes in a plane Right This one comes like nine months later in a ship Yeah the European one comes A stork is actually carrying it In a box Yeah yeah yeah When you get the Asian ones It's like you have to open up a bunch of packaging too You do and then and they're just like you know they're freeze-dried they're stuffed in and you put water on them they're freeze-dried at first you put water on them and then they yeah float it into but so wait this dude he adopts we're in trouble this is bad he adopts the white one So he adopts the white one and then he goes and you know

he she so you know it always happens

where you know she catches him doing

stuff. Right.
Right. So

the one thing that I think somebody caught him doing

was um. Having

sex with his stepdad. No.

He was doing um teaching

her how to suck his finger.

You know that old move?

I don't care if that's real or not.

No, it's real. Shut up.

Andres? I don't know.

I swear to God.

Faro is a little crazy too.

Don't do that right now.

Excuse me.

You know what this is? That's because where he comes from

they're pig-headed,

misogynistic, bull-headed males. Isn't that right? Yeah.
Where do women belong, Andres? And the house. Oh, right.
That's how he feels. Yeah.
And the ratings of that documentary in Spain is zero. Zero.
Yeah. Because they watch two minutes of it and they're like, oh, fuck it.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
These girls, they're all crazy. Yeah, yeah.
These are all crazy girls. So he got caught.
He was like teaching her to tongue the tip of his finger. That's so gross.
Yeah. So gross.
Right. And I'm like pretty gross.
And then he – so Mia's out of the house because they have this house in Connecticut. He comes over, right, because it's like a weekend.
Yeah. And all the kids – he has so many kids.
There's like 32,000 kids. And they're so, you know, and they have three babysitters.

So it's like, how do you keep track of all of them? Sure. Right? And so he goes to the attic, right? You know this, right? Yeah.
He goes to the attic with Dylan. Oh, is it yucky? Well, I don't know what yucky is.
You know. I think they're going to the attic.
What are they doing up there? They're not looking for Christmas decorations. No, the Ouija board.
Oh. No, he's squeezing her tight.
She's squeezing me tight and he was playing with my naughty nons downstairs. Oh, no.
And how old? She's what? 12? Gross. So what's going to happen to him now that this documentary's out? Nothing? You got a five-pitcher deal.
Yeah, yeah.

So, yeah.

Yeah, Universal's like, pick him up.

Pick him up.

No, I – well, I think – you know, because he used to make a movie a year.

It's what's interesting about him.

He hasn't done that for a long time.

Yeah, but what's interesting about him is that, you know, this shit that – like, for instance, one of my favorite – I mean, if you go to my house, you know the Woody Allen picture I have in my house? Have you seen that one? Do you know who Woody Allen is? Yeah. Scoot the mic.
Yeah. No.
We've been doing this for 55 weeks, and the mic starts at the end of the day. She doesn't know.
Wait, you don't know who Woody Allen is? No, that's why I'm trying to look him up. Well, we'll pull it up here on the screen.
You can see he was a filmmaker who made a bunch of very successful, very famous, very well-respected films. There he is right there.
How does he look? Okay, just bring up that picture. Will you click on just that photo and see how – how do you feel about that guy right there? How does that guy make you feel, Jules? Does he look like he would adopt an Asian girl and then make her his bride? Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
Okay. So I have a Woody Allen old school framed photo of Woody Allen in my house.
Right. So when I was watching the documentary, I called Kalilah and I go, I screamed at her.
I go, flip the, flip the fucking. Yeah.
Take it down. No, not take it down.
Just flip it over. Don't take it down.
You know what I mean? Yeah. So I was like, I'm a huge Woody Allen fan.
Sure. I love Broadway Danny Rose.
I love – but I love his later ones like Husbands and Wives, Crimes and Misdemeanors. But the movie that I loved that I've seen with Kalilah before is Husbands and Wives.
Yeah. But what's interesting about that movie is halfway during that movie, right? Uh-huh.
So Mia is like stopping by – she has keys to his apartment. And he's not home.
So she just comes to stop by because she was in the area. And she sees naked photos of Sun Yi on his drawer, like on the top of a drawer.
But not – she's a hustler, like legs open. Barf.
What? Barf. Okay.
And imagine – so she's in the middle of – she's a hustler like yeah yeah yeah barf what barf

okay

and imagine

so she's in the middle of

she's the co-star

of husbands and wives

and she sees those photos

she sees the photos

right

she's like

this is gonna be a good movie

I can't say anything

yeah this is

you know

that's her daughter

right

gross

gross right

how old was

and the daughter was young

so she calls

she's like

you know confronts him

whatever

and she goes

I think you need a two week break

so they hold production

for two weeks

but then they keep shooting

so now if you's like you know confronts him whatever and she goes i think you need a two week break so they hold production for two weeks but then they keep shooting so now if you watch husbands and wives you know that somewhere in there wow right she mia knows get out of time yeah yeah so i think i want to watch re-watch that movie it just throws it in a different context i want to know yeah yeah and we'll how about we guess how about let's watch next week'll try to guess what point that she we think she knew already there's a moment where she questions because she leaves him in the movie yes so there's a moment where she questions their relationship I hope to think that that's when well maybe he's just a good filmmaker and he did that all for the sake of the film maybe interesting he went fucking method on it super method method. Super method.
Super method. So he was like, what I do is, I'll get, you know, I'll, I'll, Suni, you know, she's what, 17? Yeah.
She's got a little breasts. Yeah, a little tiny breasts.
And I'll, you know, I'll, I'll just film her, you know, take photos of her vagina. I'll leave them all over my desk.
Yeah. It'll just give up.
And then Mia. Mia will discover them.
And then. And then, boom.
We got a picture. Oscar.
Mia. Wow.
Maybe it was deep. Maybe, maybe.
So you've never heard of this man before. No.
Will you bring a picture of him and Soon-Yi up so we can all take a look at it? There she is right there, right? Yeah. Oof, tough.
She kind of looks like you, Bob no but she does will you blow that up just stretch stretch out so we can see it bigger like him i do that's me and you that's me and you yeah bad friends 2032 if we keep doing this podcast that's you and me bad friends 2032 guy i didn't know he had a lazy eye i never noticed that eye is lazy. He's like 90,000 years old.
He's got one eye looking at the camera and the other one looking at Sunier. Look at that.
He's like, don't you go nowhere, Sunier. Don't you get back on that ship.
Don't you get back on – and she's looking kind of at him going, I'm not going to get back on that ship. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So all this shit, like in 92 and stuff, all this stuff comes out, right? Yeah. I remember when it first kind of became a thing.

Yeah, it first came out, right?

And he still, after that, did movies with Scarlett Johansson.

Yeah.

And he did Blue Jasmine with Cate Blanchett.

Yeah.

And he just kept going.

Yeah.

I think that now it's like the culture has completely changed.

Totally.

Because look at a movie like Manhattan and also Husbands and Wives, right?

He has, in Manhattan, guess who his girlfriend is? She's, in the movie, she's 17 years old. Yeah, she's under, yeah, she's a young girl.
And he's 45 or whatever. Right.
Right? Right. In fucking Husbands and Wives, he's married to Mia Farrow, but he's a teacher and he has an affair with a 16-year-old student.

They make out at a birthday party or whatever.

There's all these themes in his movies.

Signs, you would say.

One would say hints. Yeah, little crumbles.

Yeah, little breadcrumbs.

But when you were watching it back in the day –

You didn't think that way.

Why?

Because now I look at it and I go, that's fucking crazy. I think it's culture but when i saw manhattan i was like masterpiece well yeah i mean well yeah beautiful right right the way it was shot but it's also like the history of america too right you think about how these guys like you talk to like my grandparents on how they're how people in their generation met they're like he was 30 and going off to war i was nine and he met me at a bus stop.
Right, right. It was just like the crazy, it was okay.
Back in the day, yeah. We were watching these, we finished the Egyptian tombs documentary, you know? I've seen that one.
It's phenomenal. I re-watched some of it just because I wanted to know.
It's all right. Get real.
Get real. It's incredible.
I've seen tombs before. It's phenomenal.
Yeah, but once you see one tomb, you've seen them all. What? A tomb? The discovery of the new tombs, that doesn't blow your mind and make you feel something? I'll be honest with you right now.
Can I say something to you right now? You don't like Egyptians. No, I loved Egyptians.
I'm a big Ahmed Ahmed fan. I have all those albums.
I love all the comedy albums. You know what I mean? Oh, sure.
9-11, Here I Am. You know what I mean? That's one of them.
9-11 again. 9-11 again, right.
I'm killing, literally. Literally 9-11 one more time.
Yeah. So, no, I love Egyptians, but they will discover more tombs in the future.
Forever. Yeah, and then you're going to be the white guy.
Wow, remarkable. Unbelievable architecture.
And wow, the way they mummify these corpses and the deities inscribed inside the walls are just amazing. How many Koreans have they found in tombs? We don't do that because when you're dead, you're dead.
That's right, because you don't matter. When you're dead, you're dead.
You don't matter. When you're dead, you're dead.
No, you're – no.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And back to Woody Allen. Anyway, yeah.

So Woody Allen, the documentary.

You know what, Bloom?

I had to go get dental work, dude.

I got – we were going to have to film.

I'm going to have to get my wisdoms removed.

Ooh.

I have kept them in my whole life.

You do?

They never said I needed them out.

Do they hurt now?

No, but he was like, we got to take them out now.

Why? Shifting my teeth now. Now my teeth are being pushed I want him in Are yours out? I have no teeth Yours just naturally fell out You wanna see something? Yeah it's repulsive I can't believe that But this is my point Did you get your wisdom teeth removed? No.
Did they do that over there?

Do you guys have dentists?

What do they do over there?

No, what they do is they put their head, you know what I mean, on a slab.

A rock slab.

Yeah, take another rock.

They stick the rock in the mouth, right?

And they take a little hammer, right?

Right like that.

You'll fix.

You'll fix.

You have them, huh?

Yeah, and it's shifting my teeth.

Yeah, they try to make you take them out at your age because it's a lot easier. Apparently, it's be more painful and we'll have to get me on drugs is that what you want also as well what else do you want you ungrateful lady hey hey hey we love rude no but I went to the dentist and he was like oh man the teeth thing yada y.
And it made me flashback to when we were watching the Egyptian thing and I'm like, these guys still got all their fucking teeth 3,000 years later. They were in pain all the time.
Good. They were in pain all the time.
Do you really think so? I never saw the Egyptian thing. It's impossible.
I know you did. I know you did.
I could tell. I could tell because you were making it up.
Yeah, yeah. But I gave you credit for it.
Is it good? Honestly, it's unbelievable. Yeah.
To watch them discover something. I saw, and actually, can I just say something?

I saw maybe two episodes with Kalilah, and I was watching it.

I was playing video games on my phone while I was watching it.

So I remember them, I'm being real, right?

They discover this tomb, right?

It's one guy, right?

He was like a...

Well, there's one guy, and his whole family is in there.

Yeah, his whole family, but it's one guy's thing, and he was like a...

He wasn't the king, but he was like a – not a priest, but something like that.

He was a priest.

Yeah, he was.

And it's beautiful.

I saw it.

I swear to God.

No, I can tell.

I saw it.

I saw it, right?

But at one point, I just went – I just kind of went back into my game, and I never went back up.

I get that.

I've done that.

Because, no, it was that uninteresting to me.

Okay. Because it's like once they – once you see it, right? Yeah.
Cool. How ancient.
But you're learning how amazing it is that they discovered Amazing. This was the first finding in this episode the first finding ever of a lion cub being mummified.
They've never found a lion cub. And it was incredible to watch the reaction of these scientists who have spent their entire career dedicated to saying, they're like, we've only found cats and people.
The Egyptians love cats. These motherfuckers were wild for cats.
They found a salamander once. Did they? Yeah.
A mummified salamander. A mummified salamander? In Egypt, right? 50 bucks.
She doesn't know what a salamander is. All right.
50 bucks. Egyptian name, Muhammad Toot.
They found this thing. Muhammad Toot? Yeah.
And they found these little tiny – just listen. I am.
For once. And they found his mummified body.
And around his body, right, they had these little tiny like rock pots. Huh.
Right? Obviously, you know, archaeologists are like, what is this? Right. Say, you know what I mean? And they open it up.
And there you see. What is that? A little salamander.
And he's going, I died 9,000 million years ago. 3,000.
Who gives a fuck? It's important. You know what the archaeologist did? He went.
No. And he fucking threw it on the ground like, I don't give a fuck.
That's what he did. They used to get buried with important stuff or stuff that they wanted to take to the afterlife.
What would you get buried with, Rudy? If they said you're dying tomorrow, we got to bury you. What are we burying you with? My dogs.
Which ones? Which ones? We have to kill your dogs? We're saying you die, not die not the dogs No they have to be with me Morbid What I would do just in that case If I was an addition I'd be like If I pass when my dogs Eventually pass Put them in there I wouldn't go if I die kill everyone else At the same time I want them all at the same time What do you want to be buried with Bob I wouldn't be because they I die, kill everyone else at the same time. I want them all at the same time.
What do you want to be buried with, Bob? I want to be – Because they believed you got to take that, whatever that was, into the afterlife. What would you want? Just be buried then.
Nothing? You wouldn't take anything with you? No, because I need glasses to do my thing. I'm talking about today.
If you got buried today. Oh, today.
I'll tell you what I'd do today. Okay.
Thank you so much for that. Right? Thank you so much for that.
You got it. Lay up.
Right? You got it, kiddo. I appreciate it.
Yeah. What I would do is I would be – I have to be dressed in like a 1940s tuxedo.

Like a three-piece suit?

With a top hat.

Okay.

Not be real.

Do you want a cane?

Yeah, the whole thing, right?

And I need you to put me in a gigantic jar of formaldehyde.

Oh, you want to be – okay. So I want to be floating with the cane, the top hat, right? And I want little buttons.
Right? So if you, like, and it'll say, like, Andrew. You know what I mean? And you'll press it.
You'll come to my, you know what I mean? Of course I'll come. Memorial or whatever.
I'll be there. I'll go, what's up, dude? That was fun, bad friends.
That's all you would say. All the time we spent together.
What's up, dude? That's fun. How many people in there? I know so many people.
Yeah, but you'd have to be. There's so many buttons.
You wouldn't give everybody a button. No, I would give Andreas a button.
You would give him a button. I would go, you did all right.
Or something like that, right? I love you, fancy.! Yeah, I love you fancy. I would give everyone a button.
What would Kalilah's button say? That would be long. It'd be really sweet and endearing.
I wouldn't do that voice either. What would your brother's button be? Oh, it'd be probably long.
That would be long? Who'd be the shortest button? Who would get granted a button but be the shortest message? Eric Griffin. You know what his name is? What? Sip.
That's it. Sip.
Sip. You know what I mean? He's like, oh, man, this motherfucker don't rip me up.
I'm going to die in this motherfucking funeral. Because I wouldn't see him complain.
Yeah, he would have bitched. If I was in heaven, I would love to press Eric, right? Sip.
I wouldn't see him complain. And that's all I got, Bobby.
I know. You would do that.
He would. He'd be so mad.
What would you do? I don't know what I would get buried with. I was thinking that's how you'd be buried.
I think if I was going to be buried with stuff that I want to take to the afterlife, probably like a golf club. I want to be able to hit golf balls in the afternoon.
I could play golf in heaven all day. So fucking white.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You just be your golf club and your confederate flag, you fucking piece of shit.
Confederate flag. Yeah.
The Union Jack. You mean my number one flag in my house.
People are always like, I can't find your address. I'm saying look for the Union flag on the roof, bro.
Do people recognize you in public at all? No. Yeah.
Like she's going back to school now. Oh, how's school kiddo? Right.
So she goes back to school. She goes in.
She's friends with these two twins, you said?

Yeah. Right? They're your friends?

Yeah. So you wear a mask the whole time?

Mm-hmm. And there's social distancing

in the classrooms? In the classroom,

but outside, no one is doing it.

Yeah, but you're outside. Are you doing it?

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Do they make fun of you, like, oh, look at the fucking foreigner

wearing a mask? No,

they don't. They don't? No.

So do they, um, so the two twins

that you're friends with,

Thank you. Do they make fun of you like a little fucking foreigner wearing a mask? No, they don't.
They don't? No. So the two twins that you're friends with, they're two guys.
Yeah. Right? And you knew them last year before the pandemic.
Yeah. So when you came into class the first time this time, what did they say to you? Hi.
They're not. They're not.
Just let it. Just let it.
This is what I have to deal with every day What are their names? Alex and Jonathan And which one do you like more? I like both Can you tell the difference between the two? Yeah because Alex is shorter And Jonathan is Oh so they're fraternal And then Jonathan has a red hair and Alex has blonde hair. They're not identical.
No. Oh, then that's no fun.
That's no fun at all. Then why do you even hang out with both of them? You just pick the one you like and then move on.
Yeah. With twins, you kind of have to hang out with both of them usually because you're like, I can't make the other one feel bad because it's the same guy twice.
You know? Like the Sklar brothers. Which one do I like more? I don't know.
I'm not allowed to pick. Yeah.
But she also been driving my car to school. I know.
I'm really happy that you're driving. And tell them what you did today.
I got gas. And then I paid it.
But then when I... Oh, you paid for the gas? Yeah.
And then I thought it was already full. So when I went back inside the car, it still had two bars.
Wait a minute. You put gas in the car and how much did you put in money-wise? I used my card.
How much did it say you charged? $49.50? $49 only got you two? Just think about it. The logic of it the logic I'm not understanding let me just yeah speak for her she goes to the car she gets out she puts the thing in right she puts the credit card in right yeah and there's no way it's $49.50 but I'll tell you why the logic of that it's a Prius $29 most right it's hybrid so it's $49.50, but I'll tell you why the logic of that.
It's a Prius, $29 a month. Right, it's hybrid.
So the $49- Was a guy from before. A guy from before, right? So her credit card was never charged.
Of course not. Okay.
So she has the thing in the thing, right? She's in the car now. I don't know how long she waits.
Probably 15 minutes. 20, 30 minutes.
15, 20 minutes, right? Yeah. That's how long she thinks it takes.
Half of this episode. Yeah.
Yeah, she's in the car. She goes out.
She looks at the, oh, 49, 50, whatever. Must be full.
Must be full. Puts the thing in the thing.
Screws it back in. Gets in the car.
She's driving now. How come two bars? Because, ding dong, you got to squeeze...
Oh, you gotta pump the gas, actually. You gotta pump it, actually.
I did! No. No.
Did you feel it? You can feel the liquid coming through. Yeah, and I even saw liquid going out.
What do you mean? It's not see-through. I was talking about...
It was an Apple gas station. It was clear.
Yeah. Space gray.
You didn't see the liquid coming out No, you didn't Your credit card was not charged No It wasn't charged You didn't even ring it in You didn't press the fucking regular Which one are the three buttons? Low, medium, or high? Or. Or did you do diesel? Diesel, yeah, she did diesel.
No, I didn't do diesel. You said unleaded.
That's exactly what it is, unleaded, yeah. Did you press unleaded? Yeah.
Yeah. So what you're telling me is this.
You had ghost gasoline. Yeah, ghost gas.
That car's going to run on the hope. You had ghost gas.
What you're telling me is this, is that we can sue Shell. Oh, yeah.
We should sue them. Yeah, sue them, right? For ghost gas.
No. Right.
So what do you think the logical thing is? That you didn't do it right? I didn't do it right. What? I said I didn't do it right.
So you have to teach me. This is what I have to deal with.
But it's like. I taught her how to tie shoes.
But you're such a... I did.
Well, they don't have shoes.

And the flip lights.

She came to...

I don't know how it works.

I go, you lift it up like this.

Come in.

What is that?

Sun inside?

Yes.

We got to teach you how to pump some gas.

That's fine.

What are the things you need to learn?

They don't teach you this kind of stuff, I guess.

No, because in the Philippines, there's like a worker who does it.

Right.

We have that here in certain states, United States.

They pump gas for you.

We don't do that here in California.

Yeah, no.

There's always a guy.

And it's... There's a worker who does it.
Right. We have that here in certain states in the United States.
They pump gas for you.

We don't do that here in California.

No.

Yeah, no.

There's always a guy?

And does he wash your windows too?

Yeah.

How much do you pay him?

$2.

$2.

Okay.

That's a lot for them.

Is it?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Half a balut.

Here, go get yourself that balut.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

To less than $2 to pump the gas, clean the windows. But now you now you gotta worry about all sorts of stuff what if the tires go flat what happens if you get a flat tire do you know about have you taught her about any of this stuff what if a tire goes flat what's gonna happen call at the Kalilah okay so okay look you're driving on the freeway and then poof tires start what do you do what's the first thing you do you slam on the brakes you push on the gas you slowly push on the brakes and then you go to the right side oh someone took a driving test she has a license you fuck face it doesn't sound like it apparently they don't teach you how to fucking fill gas well that's super important I know they should they should yeah they should don't.
They don't teach you anything about it. They just teach you how to follow their arbitrary rules, like stop signs.
Don't stop at stop signs. You know that, right? You don't have to.
You don't have to. California law.
It's so funny because when I'm driving, because she just took the classes, everything I do, she's like, but Uncle Tito, you're not supposed to, what are you doing? Oh, she knows all the particulars. And it's like, I don't, you know, they're just suggestions.
Yeah, yeah. Really, for me.
Yeah, they're just saying, hey, maybe, maybe do this. Yeah.
No, thanks. Like, all the stop signs should have a question mark.
Stop. No, thanks.
Yeah, yeah. And just keep going.
Yeah. Your friends from another podcast, we're talking shit about you guys.
These guys won't give up. I heard about it.
Yeah, these guys won't give up. I heard about it.
Oh, I wanted to bring up this to you guys. I don't know if you saw Bad Friends.
They were, they fired some shots at you guys. It was actually a response to Theo calling out Bobby, called him sleepy.
That's right. It was a response.
He started the war. You know how you can tell? He has an eye that just wanders sometimes.
But what about these two douches are doing, right? Is that you're trying to provoke a war with real warriors. Right, with real warriors.
Yeah, yeah. They're trying to provoke a war with true warriors.
Yeah, you know what? We have mental capacities. Yeah.
Yeah. Here's the thing.
You and I say we're stupid all the time. Yeah.
We do that as a fun—we go, we're dumb and we're not that smart. These two guys? Yeah.
I'm not kidding. Pound for pound.
The dumbest people I've ever met in my life. I doubt that.
It was a lot more of the same of that. Just taking shots.
And who are these guys? I'm sorry. Look, are they trying to do a shitty version of King of this thing?

Pause it.

What?

Bring up the numbers.

Who's doing better?

Don't do that.

Don't do that.

We don't want to do that. All right, stop.

We don't want to do that.

But also, bring up the numbers.

We don't want to go down that road.

I know, don't.

But also, also.

Because we could have a bad week.

Bring up the numbers.

I understand. I understand.
No, we shouldn't. Because we know the numbers.
I know. They're better.
And it feels good. It feels good.
Bring up the numbers. No.
But honestly – But my point is that they're great guys. They are.
I'll admit one of these guys is a great comment. You know – Pause it.
It's tough to – yeah. What do you think he's talking about? No, but you know what I mean.
No? The numbers are right. But who do you think he's talking about no but you know what I mean no the numbers are right but who do you think he's talking about he's saying that you're a great comic I'm not I don't know I don't know yeah yeah but he's doing this to try to divide us I know what he's trying to do I don't care I think you're a way better comic than I am I think you're a one play the video okay go ahead this good day by the way good tactic I'll say this work for myself.
And here's the deal with what they don't realize is that there's nothing that can destroy this. It's a bond for life.
Yeah, yeah. It's so thick.
And these two out-of-work reality stars. Go ahead.
What else, dude? Look, these are great guys. I remember I was there for Bobby, and Bobby doesn't like to talk about this.
but when he Bobby a lot of people do not know

auditioned to be in a... Find it.
Find it. Find a lie.
I don't want to say... Be careful in all China.
I don't want to get the wrong E's, but I want to say Japanese or Korean E's. Korean E's.
And he, it was a, what's the group of, it's like the people and they can't, they're kind of smaller and they're getting older, but they're trying to get that lady at the diamond mine or something I'm talking about? No. Seven Dwarfs.
Seven Dwarfs. Oh.
So Bobby auditioned to be in that, dude. And he was like the eighth dwarf or something, bok choy.
And didn't get it, bro. And I remember reading the fucking scripts with him and the lines were so easy, you know.
It was like, I'll wake her up, you know. Just like the fucking basic shit, man.
Easy shit. Isn't that a Daniel Day-Lewis script, you're saying? And he went in there and just bombed it, you yeah and um and I was there for him after that and so I mean I have like a long history the history with the other guy uh guys I because of this I checked out uh your INDB pages just to see you know who has worked more in oh who's worked more and it's kind of interesting if you guys want to see.
I'd love to see. Yeah, let's check it out.
I'd love to see. Thank you.
I've never looked. I've never looked either.
All right, let's see. So let's see.
Let's see. Whoa, 75 credits there.
Who is that? Who is that? Me? Yeah, that's you and he's 15. That's close.
Yeah, that's pretty close. What is 75 minus 15? 50.
I did 50 more things. 50 more.
But also what things? Because I think he is in short films and a little bit of like... 60 more things.
Well, he's probably done some really big stuff. Namcar Night Race official music video.
Pretty good. That probably was pretty heavy.
Pretty good. Burning Man Dan 2.
Great movie. Great movie.
They should have won an Oscar, but he got snubbed. I can't believe they got snubbed.

And yeah, some other bangers.

Oh, he did Bad Babies Music Video.

That's actually pretty awesome.

Oh, but look what it says. Bad Babies Music Video.

Child Predator Pedophile. That's what he played?

Yeah. Okay.
Cool.

And then you can see also

Andrew versus

Brendan. Okay, let's see.
I did how many things? 30 things. Pretty good.
One. One thing.
That's very funny. But the one thing he did was great.
It was phenomenal. Yeah, what was it? Fighter and the Kid 3D.
3D. Anyway, these guys are, we love those dudes.
They're up and coming. They're on their way.
They're newbies. So just let them...
Let a couple more years, and then they may one day get to our level. It'll pop.
They might get to our level. It'll pop.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'll pop.
They're very good dudes. We love them both.
Shout out to... Yeah, to Johnny Schwab and Jason.
To Schwab and Baum. Schwab and Baum.
Schwab and Baum. We love those dudes, man.

What else do they got to say?

You want to see the rest of whatever they got to say?

Not really, but let's keep going.

By the way, let's make it known again.

They started this bullshit.

We didn't come at them.

Yeah, but you know what?

Because, you know.

We got a lot of people that are trying to start shit with us, including Chrissy Chaos and Sal Vulcano over there.

Yeah.

They sent us a bag of shit, and we have our retaliation on the table.

You know what we're going to do to them, right?

We decided as we were going to do it, Chaos and Sal Vulcano over there. Yeah.
They sent us a bag of shit, and we have our retaliation on the table.

You know what we're going to do to them, right?

We decided as a group that we want to give them a little slice of home, a little spice of life.

Yeah.

So we've got some buzzers.

I've got my trimmer here.

I think we give them a bag of our pubes.

What do you say, kiddo?

I have a lot of pubes right now.

I'd love to shave them. All right.

Rudy, you've got to leave the room for this inappropriate bit that we're about to do, obviously.

I would love to shave them.

So please get out of the room.

Rudy.

Yeah, we're shaving pubes now.

Yeah, obviously.

Insane, get out.

All right.

Okay, come on in here and bring him.

Where are the shavers?

Do you even know who this is, by the way?

He's great.

Do you know his name?

Randy John.

Randy?

Yeah.

You think his name's Randy?

Yeah, he's the best.

It's the funniest thing I've ever heard in my entire life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

All right, so how can we make sure we get this in the bag?

How do we get it in the bag? How do we get in the bag?

I don't know. Hand.
You put it on the table and then you put it in your hand. How?

I'll show you. Alright, let's do it.

Well, no, no, you gotta open the bag

first somehow. No, you put it on the table

and you scoop it up and put it in the bag. And then you shuffle

it in the bag? Yeah. Good call.
Okay, go ahead.

Should we do it at the same time? Hold on.

Hold on. We should do it at the same time, Bob.
Hold on.

Alright. Hold on, Bob.
Hold on, please. Rudy, close your please.
Rudy, don't go. Rudy, you're not allowed to look.
All right. Look at how hairy he is.
Oh, my God. I've never seen orange pubes like that before.
I hate it. It's a lot, right?

Okay.

No, we should mix the orange and the black in one bag.

Oh, you're right.

That's funny.

Yeah, that way they get it together because we're a unit. Yeah.

Great.

Gross.

So many pubes. It hurts.
Alright. So, um...
Pubes everywhere. Let's do this as a ritual.
There's an old Korean ritual. You eat one little hair.
What ritual is that?

It's a Korean ritual.

Is it really?

Because I feel like I've never heard of that before.

So I eat one of your hairs.

It'll bond us for life.

I have to eat one of your pubes and you have to eat one of mine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we have to stick it.

See it on the tongue.

I'll go first.

Okay.

All right. Look at the fluff there's on my pubes on my phone oh dude please this is that's a lot honestly this looks like um don't do it hair please don't do it it looks like my don't do it don't do it oh my god how does it taste go ahead ahead.
Get some. Look at how long that one is.
Yeah, yeah. Stick it in your mouth.
Stick it in your mouth. No, stick it in your mouth.
No, I didn't see you do it. It's in.
No, you threw it away, dude. I put it in my mouth.
That's fucking bullshit, dude. I put it in my mouth.
I'll give you a piece. I'll give you a piece.
No! I'll stick it in your mouth. No.
Yes. No.
You're mad, dude. No.
I have to see it. Because you know I...
No, give me your mouth. No, look at how many pubes that is.
I will put it all in. You didn't put any in your mouth.
Yes, I did. This is like first communion.
It's like what? First communion. Cameras on.
Cameras on. Okay.
No, that's so many. Put your fucking hand up.
The cameras on, dude. Don't be a a fucking dick, dude.
Let's show this. There we go.
All right, let's mix them together. Here we go.
I'll just do it in my bag. Okay, yeah.
And send your bag over to me. So we're going to give those guys a gift.
Oh, my God. Okay.
Oh, my God. I know.
I shaved so close.

I don't have a lot here, huh?

I've got a ton.

I told you I was growing for a while.

Yeah.

What is that going to do?

We should put shit in and cum.

Okay.

I'll do whatever you want to do, bud.

It's a lot.

A lot of poop's coming out of me.

Okay.

Let's get this off the desk. I don of want to shave all of it, though.
Go ahead. What do you think about this? You think we came from monkeys? Oh, yeah.
You do? Oh, yeah, yeah. How long? How many years? Billions.
Billions of years. Then why are monkeys still around? Because they're starting to evolve as well.
And so how long will it take them? A billion years years And then what will we have? Another human species? And then we will evolve into something else What do you think we're going to evolve? I think our thumbs will not be there anymore Yeah I think that eventually We're going to have controls We'll be half cyborg for sure? Yeah, yeah, because they're going to start putting stuff in our bodies like nanotechnology. No shit.
Nanobots. You believe that? Yeah, we'll have our credit cards and all our information stored in our body within chips.
I don't like that chip thing. So then when we walk by, we go to CVS, there'll transactions.
It'll be, you know what I mean? It'll go, you know, zero. What was the name of that movie? Justin Timberlake was in it, where you like traded Lifeline numbers.
What was that called? Time. Time, yeah.
But it'll be something like that. But then you'll get robbed.
People will stick and be like, give me your arm, and then they'll grab you for your chip. No.
You don't think that's a possibility?

Because I think inevitably it'll be like Star Trek where we will have no crime.

You think in the future there's not going to be

any crime? I don't think there's going to be need for

money.

What's going to replace money?

Our quest for knowledge

and growth. What are

you talking about? If you

would have said digital money, I would have made more sense, but Bitcoin and stuff. No, no.
Eventually, we will evolve as a species, and we will have no need for the things that even sex we won't have need for. That's insane.
It's an innate human built-in thing. No, but we will evolve above it.
You think we'll go beyond sex? Yeah. We'll just have babies.
How? Just by artificial insemination? Yeah, through technology. Machines.
Machines, yeah. They'll take an egg.
They'll take the sperm. They'll put it outside of the body.
Yeah. That we'll just have babies.
How? Just by artificial insemination?

Yeah, through technology.

Machines.

Machines, yeah.

We'll take an egg.

They'll take the sperm.

They'll put it outside of the body.

Yeah, yeah.

It'll happen quickly.

Wow.

Yeah, you'll be able to grow a baby in like two weeks.

Well, you know, you can already pick the baby.

You can pick like the...

What's that?

Look that up.

What's that called?

You can pick like the genetics of the baby.

You can choose like eye color now.

You can go into like all sorts of crazy specifics. Yeah.
For millions of dollars, you can pick what your baby is going to look like. Would you do that? No.
You want to gamble? You want to roll the dice? No, I'll tell you why. Because there are things about me that to the layperson or an outside observer will go, that's not good or I don't like that.
Right? I don't like that. Right.
Or that way, I don't like the way that looks. Or I don't like how that human is behaving.
But to me, there are specific, you know, Bobby Lee traits that are my own. Yeah.
Right. And I would love to pass, if me and Kalilah had a baby, I would love to see what our mixtures would do.
Right. And maybe our kid will definitely be sensitive and fucked up and wild.
Or the opposite. You don't know.
We don't know, right? It could have taken out maybe more like my dad, more withdrawn. Yeah.
I don't know with Kalilah, but whatever it is, our kid will be our kid, and it'll be interesting. The mistakes will be worth it.
I think so, man. Yeah.
I think that I've been watching a lot of baby videos on YouTube. What do you mean? Just like baby goofy? Yeah, but baby is like farting or laughing and stuff like that.
Yeah, I mean. Because you're baby hungry right now? I'm not baby hungry.
I've just been looking at dogs. Dogs and babies, one and the same.
Well, I was looking at dogs, and then you know how you look at dogs for a while, and then all of a sudden they'll suggest a baby once. That's what I mean.
You click baby. Yeah.
And all of a sudden, 15 hours later, you're looking at aliens. You know what I mean? Right.
You know what I mean? Conspiracy theories. Yeah, aliens built the pyramids.
And then you watch Tombs again, and it's all sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, but – yeah, I've been watching a lot of baby videos, and I kind of go, I think that's interesting. And I think I want to try.
You want to make one? Fuck yeah, man. You do.
Yeah. Kalilah was on my show, and we talked a little bit about it.
I don't want that specific. We talked about you guys making a baby.
What'd she say? She's not into it. I know she's not.
I know she's not. No, she is.
I don't think she is. No, because we talk about it.
Sometimes she's in. Sometimes she's out.
Sometimes she feels like a nut. Sometimes she don't.
You don't like babies at all, right, Jules? No, I don't. Would you like our baby? No.
I'll be kind. I'll be kind.
I'll be kind. Said the serial killer.
I'll be kind. So you won't, like, love it? No.
No, I will care, but I'll still hate babies. So interesting.
What is it about babies you don't like? You don't like their little fucking head, their big heads, or you don't like the way they cry, or what is it? I don't like everything about them. You don't like anything about them? Like, there's nothing cute about them.
I'll tell you why. Because she was the oldest in her clan.
Right, and she doesn't want to. And she had to raise little ones.
Yeah, it's annoying. And she was much older, right? Me? Yeah, I'm...
Yeah, like, your two brothers, like, your youngest brother, how old is he? I think six. Six.
So you were, like, what? You were 12 when they were born? Yeah, 12. Yeah, 12.
So it's like, you know, so she's like... And then her mom's working her dad, so she's like, can you look after...
And then, you know, this is a 12-year-old. You got your childhood taken away from you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why.
Well, that's why you hate kids. Yeah, yeah.
God, the way that we can damage kids is so sad. Just by making them be babysitters, huh? Yeah, it's little things.
I would have to take a course. On how to raise a kid? Yeah.
What not to do. Yeah, because look, everyone's going to make mistakes, but you still live the life of a teenage boy, so it would be tough for you.
What do you mean? Like a baby schedule? You play video games from— Bro. Bro.
Stop. Bro, bro, bro, bro.
First of all, if I knew a baby was coming, I would do some internal voyages within myself. In what regard? In terms of like— You stop drinking Red Bull, stop smoking, stop playing you stop drinking red bull certain things that i would have to change what would you change fuck man i would um i would only i'd only play video games during the day don't believe it okay i'm just telling you okay i.
I would... No more Red Bull.
You'd quit Red Bull. I would drink just coffee.
Like black coffee. I drink black coffee at home.
Do I not? Right? And a complete smoking completely forever. You'd stop smoking? 100%.
Like that? 100%. I hate the documentary about the murder of the Mormons.
Mormons? We didn't watch it. We were going to watch it last night.
All these things I want to talk to. I saw it.
Yeah, but we can't give away anything that people haven't seen yet. What if they haven't seen it? Yeah, it was fucking crazy.
Mormons have always been that secret. But this is different.
This guy. Do we have water? I have a pube in my throat.
Yeah, we need some water. I have like orangey pubes in my mouth.
Tell me about the Mormons. The documentary is about Mormon artifacts.
Thank you. Thank you.
You know what I mean? Wash down these pubes real fast. Yeah, me too.
Like old Mormon literature documents. The Mormon thing was found, right? Didn't he find it in a hat? Isn't that what it was? No, man.
Joseph Smith. Joseph Smith didn't have to find it.
There was a Moroni or whatever the fucking God came down. A Moroni? That's his name, Moroni.
Here comes Moroni. Moroni came down.
I am Moroni. I am Moroni, right? And Joseph was sleeping in the cabin.
I don't know exactly what it about. I think this is...
I think I'm right. There was a glow through the window.
Right.

Right. And I think Moron, I took his hand

through the window and did like a little,

wake up. Hey.
Yeah.

That's what you do when you're a spirit. Hey.

You can't just show up. You got to put a hand through

something and go, hey. Right.

So just, you know, when you see a

spiritual hand through your cabin

window, you get a little scared. I'm

sorry. It's happened to me three times, right? Especially from a nap.
Big time. You're like, what the fuck? Right? Oh, a spirit.
Yeah, yeah. A spirit, right? But then you realize, oh, it's Moroni, right? So then, so Joseph Smith walked out of the thing, and Moroni was standing there and going, well, hey.
Hey. Yeah, I mean, I'm Moroni, right? Moron.
Moroni. Whatever.
And Joseph Smith is probably, I mean, if that happened, you'd be urinating yourself. Yeah, you'd piss yourself.
Yeah, a little bit. But then you're trying to act cool because it's God.
Hey, God. Yeah, yeah, but you're really peeing.
Have you pissed yourself? Yeah, he would know, though, right? I did. Right, and he goes, hey, check this out.
And they go into the forest. Now, for me, you know, if Moroni said come into the fourth, I would have to ask, what are we doing first?

Because I'm not going in there.

We could always do it in my kitchen.

Yeah, right.

You have to ask, where are we going?

But Moroni, he's noble.

Yeah, but Joseph's the ding dong.

So he's like, duh, let's go.

Right.

So he went in there.

And I guess Moroni took a shovel.

Yes. Because I guess they had shovels back then, right? Yeah, of course they did.
A shovel? Yeah. And you just start digging.
Yeah. And obviously Joseph's like, am I going to die? Are you going to bury me? Or whatever.
And then there was these golden tablets. Tablets, yeah.
Do you remember those? Yeah, they were buried. They're buried.
Yeah. And he goes, this is, you know what I mean, was left out of the Bible.

You know what I mean?

I forgot to put this in the Bible.

It fell out.

Right.

God was rushing and he's like binding the Bible together.

Right.

And he forgot. He's like, oh, there's four pages in my office.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's what happened.

Yeah.

And he also thousands of years later decided.

Well, he just remembered.

Oh, you think that's what it is?

Well, God was sitting around with a friend and he was having a conversation.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he was talking and he was like.

Oh, no, no. He had a housekeeper cleaning his office.
Yeah. Right? And underneath the couch.
Right? Four pages. God? God, what are these four pages? I suck up your pages.
He's Mexican in heaven. They have to be.
I suck up your pages, God. What happened, Esmeralda?

I suck up the four pages of I think the Bible.

And then he went, holy fuck!

God probably did. Holy fuck!

He's freaking out.

Because he's already, they've already published it.

It's down there. It's down there.
They've read it.

A hundred times. Thousands of years.

You go, fuck!

And then he goes, what do I do? Just Moroni! That's what he said. Moroni's like, yes, boss! Yeah, yeah.
What do you need? You gotta go down! To Earth? Yeah! Oh, boy. Okay.
I'll make these gold. It'll be heavy, God.
I'll just take the sheets if you don't mind. Right.
The regular paper's fine. I want to make it hard for you.
Okay. I'll take gold.
Right. So then he goes, send them down there, and he probably, because if I was God, I would have been like, go to New York.
Right? I wouldn't go, go to Utah. Utah.
Right. In the middle of the fucking, you know what I mean? First of all, you'd place it somewhere holy.

God would have been like, go to the Vatican.

Right.

Where the Pope is sleeping and put it atop his house.

Or go to the Pope.

Or go to the Pope.

You wouldn't go to the Pope.

Yeah, you wouldn't just go to a guy named Joseph and go, bury it.

I imagine Moroni goes down.

That's what it was.

He was supposed to go to Vatican City to the Pope.

And Moroni comes down here, the goofball that he is, and he forgets where he's going. They didn't have Maps no how does he know they have Google Maps but yeah no MapQuest he doesn't print out directions he's like yes this is it who looks like he's in the middle of the fucking forest in Utah in one cabin he probably wasn't even supposed to see Joseph of course not yeah yeah of course not and Joseph's an alcoholic I guess that guy is the guy I was trying – you know what I mean? Joseph was sleeping off a bender.

And Joseph was just sitting there picking his nose, jacking off in a fucking cabin.

Right?

And he goes, come with me to the forest.

Yeah, so he goes out there and so –

There's pubes on my mic.

I know.

Me too.

I still have pubes in my mouth.

Me too.

Yeah, it's very –

But – and it's – I had one pube between my teeth, I think, and I wet it.

Now it's – I wet it. Now it's a noodle-y.
It's a noodle-y. It's a noodle-y one pube Between my teeth I think And I wet it Now it's I wet it Now it's a Noodly It's a noodle pube It's a noodly Orange pube in my mouth But so then They go to the forest And he says Dig So this is And he goes And You can make another book With these pages He's like But I got But how Yeah Also it's like I'm playing chess with my wife I mean I got shit going on You know what You know what I mean? Got a whole thing planned.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then he's like, yeah, this is – call this the Book of Mormon.
Because Moroni. Is that why? That's right.
Okay. And so then I guess that's how the church was started.
That's exactly right. Right.
And then – so what the documentary is about is I guess in the beginning of the church, there were a lot of documents. Because back when you're starting you gotta keep tabs you gotta write it all down so there were some letters written and the documentary is about this one guy Mark Hoffman love the name who he at an early age discovered one of the earliest documents right of Mormon literature right and um I have to give away the show okay spoiler alert if you haven't seen the documentary then look away this is not interesting skip skip skip skip and it'll be time coded below you'll see when to go, yeah.
Okay, go ahead. But it's also something that was also world famous.
It was known. It's known.
It was known. So this guy discovers that.
And then all of a sudden he discovers even stuff that has nothing to do with Mormon literature or history. Like American history shit.
Oh. You know what I mean? Like a letter from John Adams or something, right? Cool.
And he goes to flights to New York, goes all over the country, and that's what it is. He's a treasure hunter.
Where is he finding all this shit? Like, he goes to libraries. He looks things up, like, you know what I mean? And he goes, but at the end of the day, and he sells shit.
Like, sells – so the first one was a letter from a Joseph Smith wife to somebody, and it says in the letter that there was no Moroni. It was a white salamander.
What? What? Yeah. Bring up a picture of a white salamander so I can see what he's talking about.
So a white salamander showed up at – I'm not kidding you. That's what Moroni looked like.
No, that wasn't Moroni. No.
So the letter goes – it wasn't Moroni. It was actually a white salamander.
Very cute, by the way. Very cute.
Very cute, right? Very cute. I get it.
Who led Joseph Smith to the tablets. By the way, I'm going with that thing in the woods.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going right to the woods.
Yeah. If that little thing is like, hey, come to the woods.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess I'm going to the fucking woods.
Also, what are you doing out of the water and how long can you be out of the water? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That would be concerning.
Yeah. How long can you be out of the water? Well, I would have a bucket.
Right. I'd go, well, hold on, hold on.
I would get like, you know, my, you know, Pasani water. Purified water.
Like, really good shit. Pasani, yeah.
Yeah, or Fiji Or Fiji or whatever And put in a nice

You know what I mean

Clean

And I would stick it

I put little rocks in there

Leaves

Oh nice

Like a white salamander

Just let me know

You know

And point

And he'd be like

That way

So he

In the letter it says

A white salamander

Led him

To write the tablets

Which destroys

All of

You know what I mean

Sure

The Mormons you know

Thinking about

How it started in the first place

They think a salamander

It throws everything off

Thank you. Which destroys all of, you know what I mean? Sure.
The Mormons, you know, thinking about how it started in the first place. They think it's Solomon.
It throws everything off. Right.
Right. So, you know, and then, so the Mormon church bought it.
Now they're like, okay. No, no.
They wanted to buy it to hide it. Right.
We can't let that shit out there. Yeah, man.
They'll find out. Right.
Because Moroni is our guy. We have statues.
We built a lot. We built a lot for Moroni.

So that he would do, he discovered all these letters. Let me guess.

What?

They killed him.

No.

They had him killed.

No.

No?

He did blow up in a car.

So they had him killed.

No.

Bobby, he blew up in a car?

How do you think that?

Cars don't just blow up all the time.

This isn't casino.

I'm telling you.

Can I tell you what it is then?

Yeah, leak it.

Spoiler alert all over the fucking place.

Well, then I won't tell you.

You're asking me.

I'm saying to them.

I'm listening to you.

All right, fuck, man.

People are listening.

He, all of it?

In fact, the salamander letter went to the FBI.

It was fake.

The FBI looked at it. Authentic.
It's fake. He's the greatest forger to ever live on planet Earth.
Wow. What year was this? In the 80s.
Yeah, but the technology was whack back then. We didn't have a forensic science either.
It doesn't matter. For the FBI to look at a letter and go, this is legit from, you know what I mean? The at some of the letters.
Show me some of the letters. The salamander letter.
Where's the salamander letter? That's what he forged. Stretch that out, baby.
And what he would do is this, dude. Yeah.
The white salamander letter. So what he would do is he would take paper.
And age it. But not only would he age it, He would write the letter.
He would take a suctioner on the other side of the thing to suck because I guess when ink bleeds through time. So he sucks all the ink into the page.
He puts chemicals on it, dries. He made this jar where he lit smoke so the letter would get smoke.
Wow. And it would take months to create one of these masterpieces.
Sure. And there was no way to differentiate.
It's art. Right? And people went, oh, buy that.
They were going to buy one that was $1.5 million. Wow.
So what happened was one guy was on to him or whatever. So he sent him a package, blew him up.
There's another guy, his body, he blew up. And then the next day he goes, oh, I think they're all pointing to me that I blew these guys up.
They died, right? So I'll just kill myself. So he – Who was this guy that did all the killing? Hoffman.
Right. The guy that does the forging.
He killed all all these other guys. Yes.
Because he thinks they're onto him. Onto him.
And then he kills himself. The next day, but he doesn't die.
He blows up in a car. He's so good at this, but he can't kill himself.
Yeah. Right.
And then he's on the sidewalk. He's on fire.
Right. He's everything's gone.
Right. He's just right.
And he's alive. They saved this guy.
Yes, people came out. It's Hoffman! You know what I mean? You know what I mean? Hoffman's on fire! On fire, right? And then he wakes up in the hospital, right? Yeah.
And he's still alive now. Wow.
Where is he? Is he in prison? Yeah. No, he's fucking Hawaii.
Well, some of these guys, they got away from Whitey Bulger and was living in Venice.

No, but he, yeah, it's an amazing documentary.

Wow.

Yeah, he had everyone fooled.

And he did it.

He, as a kid, would do shit like that.

Ford stuff.

No, he loved pranking people.

Oh, this is a long prank.

That's a good bit.

Yeah, and he also said like. MTV's historic pranks yeah yeah so it was like who would host that he's the he's the best at whatever that is also Andrew you have that prank call you did to the video store oh let's hear it hey is this the video store yes cool so i'm sitting here with my buddy and we're having a conversation about some of the greatest movies ever made okay and this fucking guy is talking about the movie elf you ever seen this movie elf the movie l it's the christmas movie fucking Will Ferrell.
Okay, okay, yeah, yeah, I've seen that, yeah. This fucking guy said that Elf? It's the Christmas movie.
Fucking Will Ferrell. Okay, okay, yeah, yeah.

I've seen that, yeah.

This fucking guy said that Elf is better than Enter the Dragon.

I'm going to put this moron on the phone.

Elf is phenomenal.

Oh, my God, don't even.

Please, please, whatever.

That's some bullshit.

Excuse my French, I'm sorry.

It's not even the case, no.

It's unique.

Memorable lines, great film.

It's incredible.

No, I'm sorry. It's not even the case, no.
It's unique. Memorable lines, great film.
It's incredible. No, I'm not going to say it's not a terrible movie.
Right. But you can't compare it to any, to one of these martial arts movies, what your buddy just said, man.
It's no comparison to me. You can only compare it on a technical level.
It's a fucking Christmas movie. Exactly.
I want this stuff for Christmas.

Like, without karate movies,

you can watch it year-round.

Exactly.

You know?

Yeah.

Elf is the illest shit.

Yes.

Yes.

And that's exactly, it's funny, but like I said,

it's no comparison to a martial arts movie.

Even like, for example,

It Man.

It Man 1.

It Man 2.

It Man 3.

It Man 4. No comparison, It Man 2, It Man 3, It Man 4.

No comparison, man.

Elf is better.

I'm sorry. I cannot even justify that.

Really?

I mean, I even brought up Mean Streets, one of the greatest movies of all time.

This fucking guy still says Elf is better over Mean Streets.

Oh, my good. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
i will i don't like mean streets i love elf something else that you think will beat elf as far as martial arts yeah okay okay martial arts right now i might say into the dragon china's connection five things are deaf sure hitman four hitman one um crossing tiger hidden dragon i keep going on Oh, man. Ooh, that's tough.
is connection. Five Things at Death.
Hitman 4. Hitman 1.

Crossing Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I keep going

on and on, man. Ooh, that's tough.

That's very

tough. I'm gonna go

with, of course,

Elf! Man,

Shogun Assassin. Elf is

better. Master Killer.

Elf is better. Fist of the White Lotus.

Three Evil Masters.

Elf is better. The extensive

knowledge that that guy has of

I'm sorry. Elf is better.
Master killer. Elf is better.
Fist of the White Lotus. Three evil masters.

Elf is better.

The extensive knowledge that that guy has of kung fu movies.

I don't agree with him either, though.

Somebody cut that up.

That was really good.

That guy that cut that up and used my voice.

Well, that's not real.

Are you out of your mind?

That's a fan of ours.

Use that clip of the argument we had about Elf.

Many episodes ago. He cut my voice up up that's using one of those machines whoa yeah that's not me that's a fan using like that's really good it's also very scary they can cut us up to say anything that is pretty scary think about the shit that we say on the show other guy though that calls he's the fan he calls the video store he pretends to be my buddy sitting in the same room with me using our voice.

Fart Simpson as far as we know.

Yeah, no, he took my voice and clipped it up from when we got an argument about Elf.

When are you going to Hungary?

Are you excited?

Can we tell the fans that you're going to Budapest?

Yeah, I mean, I guess you can say that I'm going to Budapest.

I just, I'm a little... Bobby's going to shoot a movie

for three weeks or four weeks?

Five weeks.

Wow. Five weeks, yeah.
Maybe that'll be the end of the show. I'm nervous about it.
I'm really nervous about it. Why are you nervous? Because, you know, it's like, I don't know.
It's because I don't really. Are the girls coming? Klyla will mid-trip.
Yeah. But it's like, it's, you know, I'm never invited to do big things.
This is huge. It's a huge movie.
And I have a small – obviously like it's as small as what I did in Harold and Kumar. Who cares? Who cares, right? But it's like there is an excitement, but there's also a little of unknown factor of like – you know what I mean? What is – because I've been on two times because i was in um that was a big movie set was the dictator and i also was in um um pineapple express yeah pretty big you know i mean so huge movies huge movies and um it's just a different you know thing and then i thought i was kind of out of the game for many many years just doing you know my own thing with you and all this stuff.
It felt good, but then now I got invited to this thing, so it's exciting. That's going to be huge.
That's going to be such a... Are you proud of Tito, Bobby? She doesn't give a shit, and I don't care what she says.
Are you proud, Jules? Yeah, I am. She's proud of you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's never seen anything I've done.
That's not true. She has.
We talked about it one time. Look at her face.
She's never seen anything I've done. I've seen Splitting Up Together.
It's a good show. Fuck you.
Wait a minute. It was a good show.
Yeah, she did. It got canceled, but it was a good show.
Yeah, yeah. Didn't deserve to be.
I'll tell you that. Did not deserve to be.
I'm on my sixth month of filming Dave. A lot of fans say, why do I say Davey? Because you say that.
Yeah. I'm going to say honest with you.
I've never seen Dave. I said it the right way just now.
Fine. Right? Yeah, I don't care.
But from the clips, I've seen clips. It's a funny looking show.
No, I'm being real. I'm being honest with you.
Okay. And I've seen ads with you in it.
Yeah. Like advertisements with you in it, right? Okay.
You look great in it. I'll give you a compliment, man.

Thanks. And did you have to audition for that? They

did. They ran me through a big rigmarole.

I don't think you auditioned.

I did. Did you audition

for it? No, you didn't.

I had to do chemistry reads with Dave. Yeah, but you didn't audition

for it. Same thing.
I had to do chemistry reads with Dave.

This is, okay, I just want to let

everyone know what this is, okay?

Most people

I had to audition. Shut the fuck up, man!

It's insane. It's not insane.

I had to audition. Let me finish

what I'm saying. Is that my

podcast too? Stop acknowledging me and get through

it then. Go.
I will.

Most people,

your average actor,

they call their agent and they go,

hey, is there anything? Right? And their agent goes, hey, baby, I'm out of my Gulfstream jet right now. I don't know.
There's nothing down on earth. Right.
Good luck. And then they hang up on them.
Right? Yeah. But some people, they go, hey, FX really wants you for this thing.
But obviously, you have to do a chemistry read with the lead, right? They already saw 2,300 people for the part. Stop.
Don't shake your head again. And if you roll your eyes, I'll gouge them out.
I will gouge them out, right?

Chemistry, you and

Seth Green, probably.

It's always

like two big names.

You and Seth Green, either one of you will get it.

Come and read. You show up.
They have

fucking cappuccinos.

You don't sign up. You go

and you talk. You talk to shop, whatever.

You want to put it on the feet?

You're also in a beautiful

rehearsal hall. It's not like a little

So... You don't sign up.
No. You go and you talk.
You talk shop, whatever. You want to put it on the feet? You're also in a beautiful like rehearsal hall.
It's not like a little office. No, I did mine in a little office.
Fuck you. And so they go and then you show up and you go, no, let me finish my cappuccino and then we'll do it.
Yeah. Right.
So you drink your cappuccino. You talk to the guy.
Go take a phone call real fast. Right.
Right. And then you do it and it's like after you're done, you know, It's like one of those things where when people audition, the cast manager goes, all right, thank you.
And you kind of leave. But what he does is after they do the take, they laugh.
I go, man, you improvised that line. You improvised that line.
That was great, man. That was good.
We were in sync. Let's do it again.
Let's try it this way. You know what I mean? And they work on it.
Yeah, for about an hour. For about an hour, right?

And when you audition, you have to park on the street 15 miles away, right?

And then you have to go through 15 gates.

Just let me finish, all right?

Yeah.

15 gates, right?

And you have to show ID. And then it's like – then you show up in a fucking hallway with 50 people.

You sign your name.

You have to wait for three hours.

And then you go into a little office.

But for his thing, chemistry reading, right, he gets to drive on a lot. Did you drive on? Did you drive on? Did you drive on? No.
Yeah, you did. He drives on.
They have his name on a fucking fucking thing, right? You park, right? You probably have a room. First of all, I had a driver, so I didn't drive on.
Right, right. My point is that it's a little different.

It's a little different, but I know I had to audition for the show.

That's not auditioning!

I didn't do the—it's not like the—it was—

Anyway, thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

I got up

From my seat

Right?

I know

I counted 26 times

Okay?

As we're literally

Descending into LAX

Right?

The flight attendants

Are all strapped in

Right?

And in my mind

I'm like

I'm counting

I'm like

I don't think

I just kind of

Calculated in my mind

Right?

I'm going, I'm counting. I'm like, I don't think.
I just kind of calculated my mind, right, of my body. I go, I can't.
There's no way. Never going to make it.
Never going to make it. Never going to make it.
So I get up, right? Yeah. And then the stewardess go, sit down.
Sit down. We're descending.
And I turn to first class. I have diarrhea.
Like I yell it. I don't know what else to say, right? I'm in the fucking plane, right? Yeah.
I pulled out my pants, right? A Jackson Pollock painting. Right? I've never been in the bathroom landing.
Have you ever done that? No. Oh, you feel so guilty.

But how cool is it?

It's cool.

And also, you don't need a seatbelt.

I was able to do it.

Well, I had my pants down, right?

I was shitting all over the place, right?

But I was shitting all over the place, right?

And then I get out, right?

And then I have to go to the steward, everyone, and go.

I'm sorry.

I don't feel well.

And they're like, it happened, sir.