Is Bobby Bi?

hey guess what man what's up man i'm so excited why i'm rushes out we got the new merch click

the thing here below look below in the merch bar or or go to badfriendsmerch.com or click the thing below or click the thing below do it you two are bad friends who are these two idiots A white dude and an Asian dude

You two are disgusting

You two are something

We're bad friends

Is your mood...

My mood is good. Why were you late? I wasn't late.
I had to finish something and I was like, I'll never make it here. Did you have to finish golf? No, I wasn't golfing today.
What was it? It's Sunday, so what were you doing? You really want to know? Yeah. I was going to get my father something.
It's his birthday could have done that previously i mean don't talk to me about about management of time don't don't you dare talk to me about management i'm not even doing that i'm asking you i want i went to get something custom made for my dad and it was and it was a belt buckle it was on the west side belt buckle socks custom dad socks are you really no real. I went to get my dad a gift.
What is it? I'm not going to say it. Okay.
He watches the show. Congratulations and happy birthday, Mr.
Santano. Listen, I'm...
Disrespectful. Oh, shit.
Congratulations, Mr. Santano.
Santano, but my point... Mr.
Santano. So that's why you were late? You're on the west side getting socks made or whatever? I was in Santa Monica.
That's a far way away from here. Okay.
Okay? Everybody knows we shoot this show in Santa Clarita. It's far.
Yeah. No, we do.
You know where to shoot this? We shoot this in Valencia. We are coming to you live from the inside of the Six Flags.
Bro. Rudy Jules is here in a really bad mood.
I texted her. I said, can we push a little bit today? She wouldn't respond.
She didn't respond. I know.
And then she did finger emoji yeah it's funny she says she said to me no she did look at her starburst sweater you know what she said what it i almost i almost crashed the car when she said i was like what and i we almost died what'd she say she goes um she calls me tito bobby i don't know if you know that she calls me tito andrew yeah yeah so yeah. So she goes, Tito Bobby.
I go, yeah. Just out of nowhere, she goes, I think you're bisexual.
Really? And I go. Really? Yeah, yeah.
And I go, why? I just think you do. I think she's right.
You think that I'm bisexual? I think so. Why? Because you've had experiences with men.
That doesn't make one bisexual to have experience. You think I liked it? Yeah.
You think guys that go to prison and they have they get raped or have prison sex, they like it? No, they're just lonely. I think some of them.
What if you open up a can? A few people might be like, yuck, a few guys might go, hey, this is pretty good. I had some fun in 12C.
I don't think I am, but why do you think so, Jules? We were talking something before that. About? We can't talk about.
Which we can't talk about? Yeah can't talk about yeah so go ahead and then I don't know because like Tito Andrew said past experience and then when we were driving yeah oh yeah go tell him you saw a good looking guy tell him tell him what happened who did you see we saw a very hot guy Yeah And then I was just silent And then Tita Bobby was Like He screamed I what? He screamed I didn't scream You did? Scream Yeah Scream Not like that Yeah yeah yeah And then you almost You almost stopped the car No no Fuck it's ridiculous. Who was the guy? Was he a famous guy?

No.

Or just a hot guy?

So we're driving down the hill, right?

Yeah.

And this guy was jogging up.

You know what I mean?

So I'm passing him.

I see him right now in my head.

Shirt off?

Shirt off.

Yeah.

Oh, I love this guy.

It's Chris Hemsworth.

I know the guy.

Buff.

Olive skin.

Long hair.

Long hair.

Flowing in the wind.

Flowing in the wind. Very handsome.
Did you see his piquage? Did you see his acorn or what? I didn't see his face. You were just...
Yeah, that right now. So he's jogging up and I kind of went whoa.
Whoa. You know what I mean? How short are the shorts? It's black.
Black shorts. Pretty short.
Nice thighs? Oh, fuck. So, you know, I go, whoa.
And then I look at Juliana and then we just both laugh. We started laughing.
A couple of gayly girls. Yeah.
A couple of young girls. I go, did you see that guy? He's like, yeah, I did.
But you saw him too. And I go, yeah, I was just going, whoa.
No, because when you see, you completely identify with this. Thank you.
So when you see a guy – because obviously I have eyes and I have a mirror. Small ones, but they're there.
Rude, but touche. So I look in the mirror and what I've been doing lately is really – because when you see yourself in the mirror, you don't go, oh, that's me.
It's just like something that's a reality and something that you see. I hate looking in the mirror.
Yeah. But what I've been doing lately is analyzing myself.
You're like your body. Yeah.
I just kind of look to see what I did to it and what was given to me. I caught a glimpse of myself in my side mirror on the way out of the bathroom and I said, look at fucking creamsicle i looked yeah i look like a big fat creamsicle right now yeah so when you know when you look at yourself you i'm i'm like kind of like going oh that's the reality of my situation right right it's just like and don't you feel blessed yellow like a yellow dumpling like a beautiful little dumpling yeah and then and then you kind of look and you go you know what but what can i do there? There's nothing I can do.
Who cares? Somebody wants to eat it. But then when you see somebody, you know what I mean? That's the exact opposite.
Yeah, who's hot? A hot, sorry, you're not hot. I mean.
You're not hot. Dude.
Fuck. I didn't say I'm hot.
No. But you're definitely not hot.
I know, but. You're sexy, maybe, but you're not hot.
Because I'm going to say... You're so far away from hot.
Okay, but do you know that... Like on the scale of hot, you're not even close.
I know. Because...
In a lineup, in a room full of criminals, of hot criminals, you're not even... Listen.
You're the first one. You know how they go on a scale? They go height by height.
You know how you go to a museum? You're so unbelievably not hot. When I go to a museum, when I was a kid, right, and I was...
I moved out of my parents' house and I would go to the... in San Diego, the Balboa Museum of Arts or whatever.
And I used to save up money because I didn't have money back then, but I would go once a week. Why would you go every week? Because I really didn't have any friends, and I was like one of those guys that played chess until 3.
It was gross. I would play chess until 3 in the morning at a coffee shop, and I started reading like, you know, Kierkegaard, you know what I mean, in like philosophical books, right? This is like a foreign Asian guy.
You're from America. This sounds like you're an immigrant Asian.
Yeah, anyway, I would go there and I would sit and I would look at the paintings. And Renaissance paintings.
And you would see how they used to draw women back then. Thick.
Yeah, thick and with the holes. Not the vagina, but cellulite almost sometimes.
And the rolls and whatnot. And that's what they viewed as beautiful.
So yeah, in our modern current climate, I am not hot. But back then, you would have been a hot woman.
You would have been a hot, round woman. Or a man.
Not a man. No, because men had muscle and everything back then still.
Really? Yeah, back then men were still in good shape. No, because I'm going to defend myself.
I've seen statues. Yeah.
You've seen the statue. You go to a fountain.
Yeah. A white people's fountain.
David. David's jacked.
Yeah, and you see, you know what I mean, a white man. Right.
You're right. He has either grapes and he's doing this.
Yeah, he's thinking. And he's also doing this hip, you know what I mean, thing like this.
And he's just like pondering things. Yeah, he's thinking a lot.
Right? And then you look at the dick and it's like, I kill it. It's a small dick.
Yeah, it's a real small dick. Well, we didn't start to get big dicks until the late 1800s.
Oh, really? Hormones, milk and all that stuff. Really? Yeah.
Interesting. Everybody had small dicks.
I'm serious. Historically, most people had small dicks.
Are you making this up? No, this is a fact. All right, well, I'm learning to something new.
But think about it like this. If you think David's, Michelangelo's David, you think David had a small dick in comparison to his body? Yeah.
And the running joke about Asians having small... Imagine how small Asians' penis were.
If that was regular for a white guy, what was regular for you folks? Well, they would save a lot of fucking cement or whatever. They would like, we have some dust left over.
There's his penis. Or gum.
They took gum and just stuck it on there. You're right, though.
You would have been back in... But the reason that women were beautiful because they were thick was because people could eat.
Eat meant you had money. But this is an interesting thing to talk about.
Skinny meant you're poor. Because it's like socially, right, and culturally, right, we deem certain things attractive.
And don't you think it's just a consensus? We're programmed to think that someone like a Brad Pitt, oh, my God, he is hot. You've stumbled.
You started to drool when you talk about it. I got scared.
I get scared sometimes. But yeah, when you look at somebody, you think that we're conditioned.
No, but he's – no, no, no. Attractiveness on that level is not subjective.
It's objective. Symmetry is attractive to us, right? Yeah.
So symmetrical faces, clean, like smooth skin, no matter what the race is. Are you getting horny? no I'm not because I've been thinking about this one incident when I was so before I used to have this girlfriend Christine Portia but before Christine right there was this one girl and she was like from the Midwest I forgot her name but I remember I hung out with her like for six months and we connected on a level that was pretty cool you know what I mean yeah like the same films and music we'd hang out all day and then one night i go that was a comic i mean this is right after mad tv so it was like you know it wasn't like i was a poor comic you're doing fine i was doing fine and um one night i went in for a kiss.

Oh.

Right?

And she did this.

Oh.

You know when that happens?

What was she looking at?

Anything but me.

You know what I mean?

Look.

You know what I mean?

The skyline.

Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

Or whatever.

Cool.

And then I go, oh, well, so I read it wrong.

She's like, there's just no way.

There's no way? I go, oh, well, so I read it wrong. She's like, there's just no way.
There's no way? Yeah, I go, what? Just look, I just, everything about you, there's nothing. Really? Yeah, and I go.
Six months of this? Yeah, yeah, and I go, really? I mean, just friend. By the way, six months? I know, she goes friend.
Friends. Hard D.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So hard D.
Friend. Right.
And then that's when I realized that like if I just looked a certain way, right? Yeah. That maybe she would have done it.
No. No, because women aren't as shallow as men.
Women will date a man that's unattractive. They'll just be attracted to them for other qualities, i.e., who you're with right now.
Yeah. So it's like there just was no connection with you and that girl.
No, because – No sexual connection. No, because I'll tell you what happened.
What? Not with her but with somebody else. Do you know Patrick – Swayze? No, Patrick Keene.
Patrick Keene's a comedian. Yeah, I know him.

So Patrick Keene used to live in Koreatown.

Uh-huh. Right? And there was another girl right? Where she was

an artist. Uh-huh.
And I begged.

You know what I mean?

I begged on my hands and knees.

Please let's make out. Right.

She's like, no, no, nope!

No way. No way!

She turned away too. Another friend.
I didn't even go for a kiss

and she turned away. You're making a lot of friends at least.

I know. But then later, right, I remember she brought paintings.
This is before I was on Mad TV. Sure.
And then she brought paintings to the comedy store, right? And she told the doorman, she goes, I didn't know that he would become famous and I want to hook up with him again. Hang out with him again.
I drew him a painting. Nope.
No. I got the painting and I threw it in that big dumpster.
You know what I mean? In the store? Yeah. I've thrown only two things in that dumpster.
I've thrown that painting in that dumpster. It was a painting of you.
I don't think it was. I think it was a painting of Asians working on a rice farm or something.

I would have liked that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then I threw away one of Sebastian's pairs of shoes.

Why would you do that?

Oh, man.

What he did was – what Sebastian Maniscalco did was blasphemy.

What?

So I'm at the comedy store one night minding my own business.

Here comes Sebastian.

And he looks, you know, back then he used to wear like silk, red, you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. T-shirt.
I mean, button-ups. Oh, yeah.
Black slacks. Yeah.
Right? Dress shoes. But so there we go.
So it's the shoes. I looked down and I almost vomited.

I went, you know what I mean?

I go, what the fuck is that?

And he goes, oh, I just got this from online, from Italy.

It's a good impression, by the way.

Please don't.

Not right now.

Oh, I just got this from Italy. So what they were were black dress shoes.
Yeah. So imagine black, and they're slip-ons.
So imagine slip-on, black dress, which is fine. Were they like Ferragamos? Yeah, which is fine.
Yeah. But have you ever seen ninja shoes? Ninja shoes.
Yeah, where like it was the toe. Yeah, the toe.
You could see the toe. the toe right then there was another section his shoes were that yes no leather right but with the toe ninja turtle toes right one big toe another toe right he goes look at it's fucking you know futuristic or whatever right they've never done this before or whatever and i go how much were they he goes i I don't know, $125.
I had $200 in cash. I'll give you $200 right now.
And there was a bunch of comics standing around. Why did you want the shoes so bad? To throw them away.
You just wanted, so you bought them, he took the shoes off? He took them off. He had like sandals in the car.
Yeah. He goes, I got sandals, I go, give me, here's $200.
And people were laughing. Right.
Right? And I gave him the $200, I took them, and everyone saw, I throw him in the car yeah because i got sandals i go give me here's 200 and people were laughing right right and i gave him the 200 bucks i took him and everyone saw i threw him in the dumpster did he see yeah blasphemy and he was laughing too did he go get him oh he could have i bet you he went and got him what a coward if he did he's like good night everybody climbing in the trash yeah but so i've done two things i've thrown that painting and that. Why did Pat Keene come into that story? Where was Pat Keene? Because Pat Keene used to live in a shitty apartment in Koreatown.
And she lived there. No.
He used to have like people in the building hang out there. Yeah.
It was sort of like a gypsy kind of dwelling. I don't even know what that means.
Just people coming in and out.

Oh, you mean like a traveler?

Yeah.

Yeah, it was like a halfway house.

A bohemian.

A bohemian halfway house.

Yeah, come and go as you please.

Yeah, and she used to hang out there.

But I've been thinking about,

but the gay thing, the bisexual thing,

I think you're wrong because...

Are you afraid of being bisexual? No, I have nothing against me. A bisexuality.
No, no, you. Of you being bi.
Are you afraid of you? No, no. Because you don't think that I – who said a life not self-examined is a life not worth living? I think it was Socrates who said that.
Sure. Right.
So I've examined my life. I know what I like, what I don't.
And I've gone internal.

It's just natural when you see a hot guy to go, wow, that's a hot guy.

So what you read was, I'm just going, oh, there's a specimen for you.

What do you think?

Do you think that's a lie?

I just think if there's an opportunity that Tito Bobby could do something to a man, he would.

That sounds fair.

That's fucking crazy. That sounds fair.
But what gives you that idea? I just feel it. We got a little soothsayer over there.
Right. She can feel the vibe.
I know because she, I'll tell you what she's getting though. It's like, I tell jokes around the house, right? Like, we'll watch a movie like Mad Max.
You know what I mean? And then, you were the first scene in Mad Max where you see Tom Hardy's back yeah right and he turns around and he has a lizard in his mouth right whenever he turns around I go boink you know what I mean I'll make that noise to get a laugh from the maybe that's a way of you covering up your insecurity about it you could actually feel it and be weirded out by it and not know how to address it let me tell you something you know who tyler the creator is the rapper yeah of course okay when we worked together on punked this is before he kind of came out as i don't know i think he's pansexual means anything right isn't that what it is yeah yeah i don't know what he came out as but whatever he used to come up to me all the time all constantly yeah call me gay constantly he'd like you gay ass gay ass red motherfucker every day and I'd be like I'm not gay I mean I don't care but why does he keep saying and he would say that all the time to people and then years later when it came I was like oh it's just because he loved playing with the idea because it was his truth to call gay say things were gay right right because he was cool that was him somewhere. So maybe it's in you somewhere.
Well, here's where I'll... Because maybe you saying boink is comedy covering up for fact.
No, it's not that, man. You heard it here on Bad Friends.
Bobby Lee is by... No, no, no.
Please submit to... Stop, stop, stop.
Give me some of that bobo at gmail.com. I'm not going to deny it yet, but let's explore it for a second.
I want to. What I'm saying is that, like for instance, right, if there was a guy, a producer of a huge movie.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

And you were going to get paid.

The role was $2 million.

You just knew that it was going to change your fucking life and your career.

I know where this is going.

Right?

So what I'm asking is most guys would be like, no, I wouldn't suck that producer's dick for the job.

Right?

Would you?

Bobby Lee. Would you? I would not.
You would not? You know what? Me either. No, yeah, you would.
Me either. Yeah, you would.
Me either. See, you have to say it so loud because it's real.
No, no, no. Yeah.
I'm not gay. That's like a 13-year-old.
I'm not gay. Me either, dude.
How about this? Yeah. Give me a scenario.
What if I told you you're in the room with him and he said, I want you to just kiss me. I just like to be kissed on my penis, but I don't have to complete.
Oh, like a peck on the tip? Like this. Oh, I'd even do this.
That's what I'm saying. And I would even do this at the end.
Right to the tip. And do a lick.
And he says, you have to do that for 10 minutes. A lick? 10 minutes and then I'll give you the roll.
You have to kiss me on it, but I also want to... No, like I'm eating a vagina, but I'll do it on the tip of his penis.
Right, you have to do that for 10 minutes a lick 10 minutes and then i'll give you the role you have to kiss me on but i also like i'm eating a vagina but i'll do it on the tip of his penis right you have to do that 10 minutes and he has to get a picture well could i be laughing no you gotta take it serious because i'll be laughing my head off and he wants to take one photo of it yeah it's so funny because kalilah kalilah uh we were laughing at this idea of like a sex scene with me and some other male guy, right, in it. And I go, no, no, no, no, no, no.
There's no – because there are just certain guys, you know what I mean? Like for instance, I talked to Joe Coy yesterday and I thought to myself, if I had to do a makeout scene with Joe Coy, I just wouldn't be – we would just be like, we can't do it. You'd be laughing the whole time.
Because we would laugh so hard. And then she goes, what about Santino? And I go, there is absolutely no way.
There's no way. You wouldn't do a sex scene with me? I just, it depends on the money.
Okay, all right. So you're getting a million.
I'm getting a million, right? I'll do it. And then we both have to be literally naked on the set.
I'll do it. No, no, no.
Stop, stop. We don't have to do tongues, but we have to open mouth as we're making out.
I'll do it. I'll do it for the sake of the comedy.
I know. No, it's a drama.
I know, but afterwards it's comedy. Okay, do you really literally think – first of all, if it's a one day – they're shooting it for one scene.

Do you think you and I – people are believable that you and I are in love?

Yeah, they could.

People at home think we're in love.

Yeah.

That's why we do this show.

But it would be – it would take a week to get that scene done.

Sure, but we'll get it.

Because we would be laughing so hard.

But we'll get it.

Yeah.

I'm going to do it.

Sign me up.

So Ike Barinholtz, when we were on Matt TV together, we did this geisha sketch where you know the you know and he played like this american soldier and i played a geisha yeah and and we were doing a montage scene right what do you mean like it was just like montages of us making love uh you know on a refrigerator you know just different places you know i mean and then i goes, let's scissor, which wouldn't make any sense.

It makes a lot of sense to me. Right.

So we got on this mattress and we got in the scissoring position and we almost got fired.

We were laughing so hard.

You couldn't get through it.

We couldn't get through it.

Tears coming down our face, right?

So I'm saying that I don't know if I could do it.

Would you do a kissing scene with Eric Griffin? No. Why? He's not my type.
No, no, no. Be real.
Why? He's not my type. So I'm your type? You're my type for, yeah, if I was going to be a dominant sex.
No, I'm the dominator. You're absolutely not.
You're the bottom for sure in the scene. Really? Yeah.
You're the bottom. You're a little scene really yeah you're the bottom you're a little jelly bean you're for sure the bottom but to break stereotypes right and to do a different angle on more inclusivity right that you would have to be the bottom i just i could it wouldn't be possible yes it would be you'd crush me on my stomach on your stomach you'd crush me right i would lay bare it would imagine Dude, imagine you laying bare Think stomach, on your stomach.
You'd crush me. Right? I would lay bare.
It would hurt. Imagine, dude, imagine you laying bare, think about it, on your stomach with your pale red white cheeks out, right? Me taking off my fucking pants, right? And then me laying on top of you, right? Rolling, rolling on top of me.
Imagine, though, what if I got erect? What would you say? I go, figures. Figures.
Yeah. Slip it in.
Slip it in. Stop being a goof.
I said no to Eric Griffin, too, when Kalenler brought his name over. Well, who's going to play it? What do you mean? Who's going to play your lover? Who's going to play this gay lover in the show? She was throwing Joe Coy in the mix.
I don't think that works. Why don't you get a really good-looking guy and really test your ability? You really want to test Rudy's theory? Get a super hot guy to do it with.
Like the guy that was just jogging? We should have just pulled over. You want to part? Uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah. He's like, wait, what's up? Of course.
Yeah. Yeah, you should get a really hot guy to test your...
Rudy's theory might be right. Brandon Ruth.
Who? Brandon Ruth? Is that his name? I don't know who Brandon Ruth is. He was Superman? Is he like your celebrity crush? Well, I'll tell you.
It's weird because me and my old lady have the same celebrity guy crush. Brandon Ruth, that guy.
Yeah. Oh, you like him? Dude.
Rudy, is that guy good looking? Yeah. Yeah, that was quick.
So I'll tell you my story with Brandon Ruth. Yeah.
So the casting that we talked to.

Yeah.

Not my type again.

She called in.

Yeah.

She had this weird part.

So the two people she wanted maybe for it was either him or me.

Same guy.

So we were sitting in the lobby together, right?

We didn't say anything.

Yeah.

We're just kind of going over our lines.

Because he thinks there's no way you're out for the same role.

Yeah. That guy looks at you and goes, well,

we're not going out for the same thing. But I looked at the sign-in

sheet, and it's the same character.

Wow. Yeah.
Well, they want diversity.

I don't know what it was.

But I remember just going, you know, when you read

that, that

we're going for the same part, you almost

want to leave. I would leave.

Yeah, like, you're going to get this, so

I'm leaving. Yeah, the hot guy? Unless they're going for comedy.
But I remember thinking, I did maybe five glances. I did this.
I was reading. You're wanting him to return a glance? You never did.
And then I did a longer one and went... Do you know why? Why? Hot people don't see ugly people the way that we see them you're saying stuff i swear to god you're saying blasphemy i'm telling you that's crazy i've been around enough hot people they don't look at us the same they look at us they look through you a little bit no they look at you like you're sort of like like you furniture right like you might be able to your help i've had hot people use me as furniture you know what I mean like lean on me yeah because you're the help you know like someone like Oliver Hudson he's better looking than I am but yeah yeah right and I remember one time we were when we were splitting up together he the director was giving us notes and he kind of leaned on my head cute I know like know, like this.
And I was just kind of like, you know what I mean? Just, yeah, what do you do? Thank you, Oliver. Yeah, yeah.
May I have another? You're right. So they don't look at you.
Your objects, you're kind of like, in a hot person's world, we are different colors. You're not in the same category as me.

Because you.

Me and you?

Yeah.

We do get lumped in the same.

There's no way.

Because I'll tell you why.

We get lumped in the same as far as like redheaded men get lumped in this like, oh, he's like one of the sad boys.

Put him with the ugly. You're not – because there's things that I know about you, right?

Things that have happened to you that would never happen to me.

Okay, but that's –

So what my point is is that aside from show business, right?

If you're just lining us up.

Outside on the street.

No one knew who the fuck we were.

And you would say, who's better looking?

They would say neither and keep driving. You think so? They'd go, goodbye, you're both weird.
Yeah. And they'd be gone.
Between you and George, though. So what's George then? If we're ugly, what is George? George is, you see, George is a nerd, right? Because smart, ugly people are actually more coveted in their community.
And of the nerds, he's kind of a good-looking nerd. Like in Silicon Valley.
Exactly. Where he'd be killing it.
Exactly. Ah.
When you're a nerd like George is, and you're... A full-blown dork.
Freakazoid nerd. Yeah, yeah.
Poindexter doofus. Yeah, yeah.
Then when you look like George, he kind of is the top end of good-looking dork. Yeah.
In the dork world, he's up there because he doesn't have buck teeth. And he says words that I don't ever say.
He probably five times a day says this word, algorithm. Algorithm.
Analytics. Analytics.
Algorithm. Algorithms.
With George, he's the top of that category. Right.
But let me say this. Let me jump backwards real fast.
Look, I am agreeing with Bobby. I'm not going to go with you on this, Jules, that you're not bisexual.
You're just conscious of your – you're comfortable with your manhood. You're conscious of your feelings.
Some men are like, ew, other guys aren't good looking. It's gross.
But like I see a guy and I'll go – sometimes I'll pass a guy with my lady and I'll go – let me see that fucking guy. Yeah.
Okay, good. go I mean what no and I know she's lying right of course you saw that guy yeah the whole fucking Trader Joe's saw that guy yeah I wanted to follow him yeah I wanted to go where he was going I didn't even need stuff from the Frozen section yeah but I'm going there now because hot guy's there because the shirts fall on their back just right.
Their pants always fit the best. Their shoes are cool.
Also, their hair is just neat. The way it just like lays.
What gets me, like I know he's not. This episode is called We're Not Gay.
Yeah, We're Not Gay. But we are.
What gets me, I have a friend. He's an actor.
He's small like I am, but I think he's cute. His name is Ashton Holmes.
Do you know him? What a name. No, but what a name.
So he was in a movie called History of Violence. I love it.
Did you see that movie? No, but I love the name. With Viggo Morrison? No, I didn't even saw it.
So he played Viggo Morrison's son in the movie. And Ashton, I've had coffee with him, right? Yeah.
And many times when I've had coffee with him, I've been so focused on his – he has wet lips. Yeah.
And I'm drinking it, right? I try not to do it, right? And he'll be talking about like he loves yoga. Of course he does.
So I was doing the downward dog, you know what I mean? And he's talking about this thing about the downward dog, right? And I'm like, yeah, I know. That's difficult.
And I'll just kind of look at his lips and I'll just get lost in it. You know what I mean? No, not in a gay way.
Not in a sexual way. What do you mean not in a gay way? Because your lips are so fucking dry, it disgusts me.
Well, I do that to keep you away from me. I don't want you to start getting turned on.
You have naturally moist lips and you – Yeah, I dry out. You dry? Before I come here, I put the hairdryer on my lips.
So like I'll be having coffee with Ash and I'll just be kind of lost in his moist pink lips. Yeah.
Yeah. It kind of looks like a pussy almost.
That's why. Yeah, maybe.
Hot people are so hot. Sometimes they're androgynous where you don't know.
Right. It's hot for a guy or hot for a girl.
It's the one and the same. Yeah.
Sometimes they're so hot it doesn't matter what it is. Yeah.
But that's just because they – that's why I'm saying it's objective. It's obvious when someone's hot.
We all go, well, that person's hot. Yeah.
That guy that was in Drace's movie that we showed last week, Aiden Canto, the guy that

was in the sitcom with me.

Yeah.

I'm not joking.

When we would go to get lunch together and go to like Crafty, the way that people looked

at him just to get lunch was like, what a pleasant, like, like they brought, he brought

them joy by being so good looking.

He go, hi, how are you?

And they're like, hey.

Yeah.

They give joy.

And they're so nice.

And they're sweet. He brightens them.
And then I go and I go, hey, do we have pork loin today? And they're like hey yeah they give joy and they're so nice and they're sweet he brightens them and then i go and i go hey what do we have pork loin today and they're like yes yeah yeah yeah take it and get the fuck out yeah it's just hot hot people make people feel um vulnerable because they're better than us it's it's almost unfair they're better than us you know that whole idea you know how that whole – this is what I don't – I believe in God. All right? Okay.
Okay. But when religious people say this, and God loves everyone the same.
It's not true. It's so not true.
Beyond not true. He obviously has favoritism going on.
Yeah. Like just imagine like him making a Chris Hemsworth or a Tom Hardy.
Right. I'll give him talent, but let's spend a week on the face.
Right. I mean, with me, right? Yeah, they went.
He's got to go. This one's got to go.
Right. We got to make a billion of them.
Go, go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he just threw them, you know what I mean? Yeah. Not just one at a time, in groups.
I think God plays jokes, too. Yeah, he makes jokes groups I think God plays jokes He gave me pimples on top of pimples Is that a bit? They were getting drunk And he was like put them on top of the other pimples Why? Yeah and probably like Moses Or somebody said to God why? Let's just see what happens.
It's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's funny. Yeah.
And then like you see like some kids are born like as a Rockefeller. Right.
And then some kids are like born in some tundra in Africa. You know what I mean? Right.
Right, with just famine, war, disease. That's the quick – that was a – God doesn't love everyone the same.
It's impossible. It's impossible.
It literally can't be can't be it doesn't make any sense but also you stumbled up for a second when you said God I do believe in a thing I don't call it God I don't like that what I mean by God I don't mean like a western religion version I just don't like the idea of it being some dude in the sky with sandals I think that's absurd but i don't like it when someone does religious imposition like last night or a couple nights two nights ago i was with my friends and their baby right and we're out we're walking in the neighborhood and a woman go is clearly coming from the bar around the corner and she's tanked and she's like oh my god is that a baby yeah no it's not a baby in the stroller what the fuck do you think this is yeah yeah it's a fucking baby oh yeah oh my god oh my god god bless and god bless you and the babe and she kept saying god bless over and over and over and it's almost like okay but like god bless your baby and god bless the health of your baby. Yeah.
What if my friends don't believe in God? Yeah. Stop saying God bless the baby.
Also, what if God hates that baby? Yeah. Probably does.
What if it's a really ugly baby? Yeah. So don't do that to the baby and the family.
Yeah. God bless you and God bless the baby.
Maybe God didn't bless the baby. It's got one eye.
Yeah. Religion is one of those those things that pp because i understand it right we're a product of our environment right for instance you know i always tell my christian friends that like you know if i was born right in a buddhist colony somewhere in tibet or whatever right i'm not gonna be a m Mormon, right? No.
I'm a fucking Buddhist.

You're a Buddhist. You're just, you're, whatever is around you,

you get fed that stuff.

Totally.

And it molds you.

Right.

And that's what you are, right?

Until you decide I don't want to do it anymore.

Most, a lot of people do that, right?

Or continue.

Yeah.

And then, so for me, it's like,

I wasn't raised, right, with any kind of religion, really.

I mean, I was baptized Mormon.

You were?

Yeah, you didn't know that? I've never known that. Yeah, yeah.
Do you know that? No. Mormon? Yeah, I was baptized Mormon, yeah.
What? Paul. You know Paul? Paul.
Remember the phone thing that we, the invention that he made? Yes, Paul. Yeah, yeah.
We sold a lot of those. Did we really? Yeah, so my uncle, Paul's dad, was a Mormon.
And you got baptized a Mormon. And he used to make us, get in the car! Right? And it's a Sunday.
Imagine, I was never even raised religious. Just one day, my mom would go, you have to get up.
You have to go to the church. So you'd go to the...
So I would go, and then I auditioned for the Mormon Tapernaum Choir. What? Yeah, and I didn't even make it the first round.
Because they could tell. I put the bow tie on and everything, right? And I was like, Ah, yeah, bye, yeah, bye.
They go, out. Get out.
Right? So then I auditioned for that. And then I would go.
And then the next thing I know, I'm in water. How old are you? Twelve.
I don't know. Really? I don't know how old I was.
Well, because in Catholicsolics we baptize when you're a baby no i was in the like i had no i didn't have hair i didn't have hair until i was 19 or whatever which was what had happened wait a minute you were in water hair when i discovered hair right it was as if i won a billion dollars in the lottery yeah one hair kind of sprouted when I was like 19. Uh-huh.
And I go, ah! Yeah, I was so excited. Were you in a tub? Where did you get baptized? It was at the church in Poway where I'm from.
I know, but how big was – what were you in a – It was like a jacuzzi. Not somebody's backyard.
It was the size of a jacuzzi but square. They have jacuzzis at church the mormons are tight and they you go down these stairs i remember the water being really cold and i remember shaking because it was because i didn't want to do it right like you know when you you're just going down and some white man old white hand right imagine an old wrinkly white hand he grabs the back of your head and he slowly dunks you in, right?

And then you're like,

you know what I mean?

You're in the water and you're like,

wow, what am I doing here?

Does he say something

while he's dunking you?

I don't remember.

Because the Catholics,

they do a whole thing

and they flip the baby

and all that shit.

That's why I was baptized Mormon, man.

And why didn't you continue Mormonism?

I stopped.

And they're worse than like

with the student loan people. They pound you.
About coming back. Yeah.
Every day I would get phone calls. You're going to come back? Yeah.
Where are you? Right? Do you think that's why you started partying hard? Was it because Mormonism? I think it was because I was, number one, born with that disposition. Disease.

Right.

Number two, I think what exasperated it, you know what I mean, was the beatings from my dad.

Yeah.

The violent nature of my house, right?

And I was molested.

See, I think this is a thing.

Yeah.

Rudy might be a bond to something because when your dad used to tell you, you can't be gay.

Yeah.

Maybe that's because he felt like you might have been gay and he was trying to beat it out of you gonna beat the gay right out of you is what your dad was trying to do so subconsciously you might have gay thought i've told you that i don't know if i've told you this but there was a kid at parties that used to just go come suck my dick in the bush and i would do it yeah you told me that right yeah so i remember when he used to grab my head to do that i have his name name, but I'm not going to say it. Say it.
No. Say it and we'll bleep it out.
It'll be funny. No, because I can't say it because – It's like Beetlejuice? He wrote me a – no.
It'll you say three times. He'll come back and make yourself his dick.
No, no. What happened was when I was at the American Comedy Company doing a weekend there, I go into the back dressing room or whatever, and there's a note on the table, right? And it doesn't say any kind of apologies.
I'm sorry that I made you suck my dick 10 times or whatever, right? It was like, I have a family now. I have kids.
And I just want to congratulate you and all your success. And here's my number if you ever want to hang out.
And I'm going to call that so that next thing you know I'm at his house and there's all these bushes in the backyard in front of his family which one his wife is like do it so um I remember him doing that when I was a kid, younger, and going – Was he the same age?

Yeah, and going, I don't want to be doing this.

I hated it.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

So I don't think I'm gay.

Well, that's abuse.

That's not –

What do you mean?

What he was doing was abuse.

It's not like you're like, oh, yeah, this isn't right for me.

That's not how gay men hook up.

They don't get physically forced into sucking random guys' penises. He was cute, though.
It's consensual before. Right.
I don't have any – I don't have that. I'm not trying to fish to find out.
I have no – Rudy thinks it's a fact. Honestly, dude, I don't have any – even if, like, if I was like – I went to like some sort of clinic and they did all these tests on me, right? And I went to a bunch of therapy.
Like a gay test? Yeah, just a gay test, right? You know what I mean? They got to know my history, right? Right. And I was completely – they injected me with some honest serum.
Some truth serum. Truth serum, whatever that's called.
Yeah. Yeah.
And I'm babbling off. And at the end of the – because when my dad died, I went to that trauma place.
I told you about that. They had this thing where all the counselors, right, all the therapists at this place put me in a gigantic kind of like mini gymnasium.
And they all had notes of analyzing me. and they're telling me what's wrong with me.

Wow. Right? And everyone stood up.

Well, I did a two-hour

session and I found this

about him.

So, if

they did that and they said,

but there was one for gay people, and they said,

we, you know, we've done all the

tests, we think that he is 100% true homosexual. I would be like, all right.
You would accept it. Yeah, but I don't think that that would happen.
But it sounds like you kind of want it to happen. No, I don't want it to happen.
And I'm going to tell you another thing too, all right? Here's another thing to defend myself, all right? I like how you think there's a gay test. It doesn't matter.
But here's another thing. Yeah.
is I can't tell you another thing too all right here's another thing to defend myself all right i like you think there's a gay test it doesn't matter there's no but here's another thing yeah is i can't tell you the comic's name but there was a comic i found i heard a rumor that he him and another comic guy sucked each other's dick in a movie theater you got jealous no i didn't get jealous then I remember, so the second time I had, I remember watching him hook up with this girl, right?

And I remember him going, I don't know what's wrong.

Oh.

Right?

Sorry.

Sorry, Juliana.

It's fine.

Sorry, Juliana.

But then here's-

Now you say sorry?

No. In 55 weeks of this shit? This is something that is new.
Okay, good. So 17 years ago, when I got sober the last time, you know what I mean? When I knew I was going to get sober, what I did was for a whole week, because I lived in Silver Lake.
Yeah. And I used to just invite comics and people over to my house, right? Because I'm so let's just come to my apartment let's smoke weed and drink whiskey all week long so we were watching Platoon it was just Platoon was on and I was high and drunk and he said that he was on my couch it was just him I.
So we're watching Platoon. I'm high and drunk.
And you have to imagine I hadn't been high and drunk in 12 years. Right? Because I'd been sober for that long.
Right. And he goes, hey, let's suck my dick, man.
Let's suck my dick? Yeah, he goes, suck my dick, man, from behind. And I don't know if I was so high and drunk because I remember going, just watch Willem Dafoe in this movie.
You know what I mean? Yeah. And I think he, come on, man.
Suck my dick, right? And I was just like, focus. Pretending to not hear it.
Oliver Stone is so talented. You know what I mean? Pretending not to hear it.
You know what I mean? Yeah. Like if I had this, you know what I mean? Horse blinders.
This is what was happening, right? Literally, you know what I mean? Just focus on this, right? He's sitting next to you or behind you. And then I remember going, getting kind of tired, man.
It was like 7. 7 p.m.
Get a little tired, man. Get the fuck out of here, man.
Trying to crash early, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me ask you about this, though, because this actually happened today about the Asian accent thing. So I got offered a very big movie with a very big star.
We did not say who? No, I don't want to because I talked to the director today on Zoom, and he's the nicest guy in the world. Huge fan.
Who is the director? Do I know? I'll tell you later. Okay.
But he was just like, you're right for the part, and it's like a thick Asian accent, and I'm just like, I just can't do it. See, I'm curious.
Because I remember doing when I was on The Dictator, and I did an accent for that. I love George Clooney.
He's an old-fashioned movie star. He gay? He suck my dick?

No, those are just rumors.

Are you homosexual?

I remember having a conversation with John Cho, and I go, is that weird?

He goes, I would never do it.

Right.

Like, I've never done it.

But he's, you know.

What?

You know. No.
like a real actor i know he is well we're not real actors we're comedic actors i understand that but still it kind of like it kind of jarred me it hurt your feelings a little bit too a little bit because it's like saying like saying I'm better than you. No, it wasn't that because I –

It was.

He got some sort of lifetime like Asian Excellence Award thing that he wanted me to be the presenter.

I mean he's always liked me and I always liked that.

Right, but he knows that his skill level is different than yours.

Yeah, because he did beat me out of Harold and Kumar.

100%.

Yeah.

Obviously.

Yeah.

I mean they put you in the movie no less. Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, they put you in the movie, no less.

Yeah.

But that looks...

But yeah, so whenever he...

When he said that back then,

you know what I mean?

I had only done it like...

I had Curb.

I did an Asian accent.

It was very funny, though.

Yeah.

I did Asian accents for...

You remember Josh...

Gat?

Josh Gad?

Josh Gad and Billy Crystal had a show.

Right.

It was called The Comedians.

The Comedians.

Yeah.

I did an Asian accent for that. Did they ask you to or you did it on your own? No, because it's Larry Charles.
I know. So Larry Charles, he did all three of them, Dictator, Curb, and that show.
It was all Larry Charles. I know.
I love him. And he likes the way I do Asian accents.
So he just – if he needs an Asian accent, he always calls me. Well, you're gonna do it.
Also, you know, so like, but then after John said that, I was just like, I just can't fucking do it anymore. It just, it just.
But why? Do you think Asians don't have Asian accents? I think it's because, um, if the character. Back in the day, that's all they wrote us.
Sure. Right? And that's how they see us.
But back in the day, there weren't a lot of American Asians yet until the next generation came.

If I was in a show called Deadwood and I was playing a fucking – you know what I mean?

A Chinese man who was doing laundry.

Obviously, I would do an accent because –

That's what was around.

It fits the environment.

But you're saying there's no Asians in 2021 with –

But in 2021, what i'm saying is

is that i'm a guy in la right right it's like why do i have to do an asian accent because you just

came over here from korea i understand that just got here a year ago right then get an an actor

what my argument is is that because it was written for like a 70 year old

you asian man perfect right like um do you ever see the matrix obviously the key master whatever

as argument is is that because it was written for like a 70 year old you asian man perfect right like um do you ever see the matrix obviously the key master whatever his name you know i mean yeah that type of guy you know i mean they had one in john wick too where it's like he's the medic yeah this old chinese man right that's what it was written you know that archetype character type i mean and it's like get that guy but he's busy yeah well you're next on on the list, kid. Why do you do this? I want you to do an Asian accent.
No, no. Stop for a second.
Why do you do this? This show? No, no, no. Why do you always, right? I say one thing.
I do it for Rudy. I don't know.
I'm asking you, all right? I say one fucking thing say one fucking thing dude and you always take the opposing point of view to fucking make my throat sore why do you do that? let's do it the other way I'm going to agree with everything you say I'm not going to oppose anything now you answered the question that's right right that's great to create conversation conversation right we're making a fucking show here okay all right we're making a fucking show so let's go welcome to bad friends let's go the other way then okay all right all right so they made me do they're making me do this asian accent oh why would they make you do the exactly why would they do that it's fucking 2021 yeah wake up yeah that. This is good.
You shouldn't ever do an Asian accent. But I say that honestly because you're not good at it.
I'm better at the Asian accent than you are. And can I say something? I mean it.
And I mean this. You're making me so mad.
You're making me so mad. But I mean this.
I would have to agree with you. Really?

Yeah.

Only because yours, you look so Asian that when you do the accent, they go, this is fake.

But for me, I look like me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was like when, you know, it's like my Indian accent.

It's because I grew up next to an Indian family.

Yeah.

And I listened to them every day. And I would just be able to impersonate it because it was monkey see monkey do yeah so most people do an indian accent and it's cliche you are i'm not gay honestly you are this whole episode it's been you know whatever 40 minutes we're just figuring it out yeah yeah like i'm not i'm not gay but i'd be okay if i was yeah because of who cares cares? Like if someday I figured out, I was like, maybe I guess, no, I am.
You continue to tell me that you're not gay with so many gay lived experiences. Yeah.
You don't understand the vibe that you put out. Okay.
I think other people think you might be sexually open. Well, I read it on the internet.
Because you've had more people say to you, hey, suck my dick. Hey, let's go to have sex with.
It has to do with my size. No, it has to do with your vibe.
That shirt's kind of gay. Yeah, because you know what's so funny? You have a gay vibe maybe.
You're so funny because I was with – I was at the Abbey. Yeah.
It's a gay bar here. It's the most famous gay bar here.
Yes, I was at the Abbey. Right.
During the day. I don't know why I was there.
I know why. No, so anyway, I was at the Abbey.
Yeah. It's a gay bar here.
It's the most famous gay bar here. Yes, I was at the Abbey.

Right.

During the day.

I don't know why I was there.

I know why.

No.

So anyway, I was at the Abbey and I was with a couple of guys.

Justin Martindale.

No, I wasn't.

No, I wasn't.

Yeah.

And we were just sitting around the Abbey.

I think because I was sober at the time, right?

And I was just drinking like a Diet Coke or whatever.

And this guy I was with, right? He had a buddy that came that just kind of happened to see him. Sure.
Right? And he sat with us. And then he put his hand on my leg and started rubbing my knee.
I go, whoa, whoa, dude. I said to him, dude, I'm not, you know what I mean? I mean, you know, I'm flattered, right? And he goes, oh, I thought you just give off those vibes.
You do. And I go, oh, I shouldn't be doing that.
Well, it's hard. It's your aura.
It's your essence. You give off a vibe of like, I could be down.
Yeah. You're like a challenge.
Yeah. A good looking guy sees you and he goes, look at that little pudgy challenge.
Look at that little fucking low to the earth challenge. I think you're I think you're a challenge.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's a compliment.
Yeah. Right? A gay guy sees me and he goes, no chance.
No, see, but Greg – I equate it to this. You know Greg Fitzsimmons? Of course.
Love him. Yeah.
Best comic. Yeah.
So Fitzsimmons told me a story where back in the day when he was in Boston, he was a young man. And he goes, one day I just wanted to see if I was gay or not.

Test the water.

Right.

So he goes, I went to a park where I knew gay dudes were fucking in a – what?

Yeah.

No, I know that every city has a park.

It has a park.

Yeah.

People were fucking in the forest.

In the woods.

In the woods, right?

So he goes, I just showed up there one day, right?

And I was talking to him about it.

And he goes, I walked into the forest and this guy comes up to me, right? And he came really close to me. And I guess Greg pushed him.
Yeah. And he just left the forest and realized he wasn't gay.
You know what I mean? So he just committed a hate crime just to find out? Yeah. So when he told me that story, I was like, you know, that's me.
It's like I've always been kind of curious about it. Even close to the edge.
Yeah. And I like being close to the edge on everything.
Drugs. Right.
Like I like visceral movies. You know what I mean? I like weird music, you know? Yeah.
I don't know what that has to do with being gay. No, no.
But I'll tell you why. Because I'm whimsical in that way.
Whimsical. You are whimsical.
Yeah. Which is why you borderline.
I'm not gay. Can you look up take a gay test? We should take a gay test to find out.
I'm not gay. By the way, you say it negative.
It's fine. If I happen to be one, that's fine.
But I'm just not one. I don't know why this podcast has turned into this.
Well, because Rudy said that she thinks you might be. Let's take this quiz.
Let's take this quick quiz just to find out. This is from MIT.
This has got to be real then. Let's try it.
Why did you decide to take the test, Bob? Yeah, to check how gay you are. I'll read it to you.
Pinch zoom it in. Okay.
Zoom it in. Zoom it in.
Pinch and zoom. There we are.
Okay, so why did you decide to take this test? To check how gay I am. Exclamation point.
To make sure that I'm straight. Exclamation point.
Just to have fun. Sometimes I have fantasies about the same sex.
Go click on the second one. Just to make sure that I'm straight.
Yeah, yeah. Right, safety net.
Okay, so have you ever looked at a person of the same sex and felt attracted in a sexual way? Let me read. Okay, go ahead.
Yes. Have you ever looked at a person of the same sex and felt attracted in a sexual way? Yes, all of my crushes are same sex.
Yeah. Sometimes, but I also have a crush on the opposite sex.
Never. I'm not gay at all.
Uh-huh. Very rarely, but there were a few moments when I really liked someone of the same sex.
Okay, give me four. Okay, so very rarely, but there were a few moments when I really liked someone of the same sex.
Yeah, give me four. Perfect.
If your best friend confessed to you that he is gay, you would feel delighted and welcome him or her into the club, get excited and start flirting with him or her, make a joke about it, or tell him or her that sometimes you feel attracted to the same sex too third make a joke about it right have you ever worn or fantasized wearing clothes of another sex all the time sometimes we're probably not going public like that never or rarely but sometimes i may wear my partner's clothes outside i think it's four four yeah rarely but you actually sometimesilah stuff. Yeah.
How frequent are your same-sex sexual fantasies?

All of my dreams are about the same sex.

Most of the time.

Never or rarely.

How many frequent are your same sex?

How many times do you have a dream about the same sex?

You've never had a dream with another guy in it?

Nope.

You sure?

Yep.

All right.

There were no people left in the world except for someone of the same sex.

You would be happy as no one would ever flirt with you ever again, be disappointed that you're but never fucking... Well, why can't we make that the same thing? They're not the same thing.
They're not the same thing. I know.
You went to third base instead of first. I know, but keeping somebody so sensual.
They're saying, did you ever hit a single? And you're like, well, I got a triple. Yeah, that's not what the question is.
I think for your sake. No, no, no.
I want to answer the question. All right, you did.
Never, I only... Never.
You only like the opposite sex. No, wait.
No, we're on a new one. We went forward.
If your partner offered you a threesome with someone of the same sex, you would feel excited about it, be confused, never, or do it as long as... Do it because I don't care about the sex of another person.
Be confused, but I would probably do it. Never.
I only like... Here's the problem with that.
If Lila said it's a really good looking the i only like here's the problem with gliela said it's a really good looking guy okay here's the problem with that there should be a fifth one in there but there's not i know but can i give you the fifth one yeah is i would do it just as long as i don't have to touch the guy okay so i think that would be do it as i don't care about the sex of another person yeah but i think that that's you know mean, that's not what the question that they're asking. We're as close as we can get.

I think it's do it.

I think you'd do it. No, I would go three.

Never? Yeah. I don't like

that answer. Yeah, but that's true.
But I think you're lying

because you want to break the gay test.

No, I'm not trying to break it. I'm trying to answer as

honestly as I can. Okay, so what you said then, as long as you don't

have to touch the guy, then that would be two. Be confused,

but you'd probably do it. Okay, go.
Two.

That's right. Would you be comfortable with a gay colleague flirting with you at work while I do this almost every week? Sure, it's a lot of fun.
I guess so. It depends on the situation.
I would feel very awkward about it or it's never appropriate to flirt at work. Four.
Never appropriate to flirt at work? Yep, it's not appropriate. Okay.
Your friends decide to go to a party at a gay bar. You would.
Feel like you're going home. Let's party.
Get excited to go check out a new venue. Feel threatened or uncomfortable or get secretly excited as you always wanted to check out a gay bar.
Get excited to check out a new venue. Yeah.
I like new things. Yeah.
You're 54% straight, 45% buy. That's right on the line, kid.
Right down the line. Wow.
I'm 54% straight. So, I mean, and that's...
Yeah, but one of those questions... Let me tell you something.
You can read it that way. Yeah, one of those questions, though? Because you're reading it glass half empty.
If you read it glass half full, it's, I'm 45% bi or gay. That's a lot of bi gay.
That's almost half of you is bi gay. Yeah, yeah.
So? Yeah. Huh.
I want to vote. Let the fans vote.
Let the fans vote because this is as close as we're going to get to accuracy for you. Let me just do my final plea for your sexuality.
No, I'm not pleading for anything. I'm accepting one of the questions I was coerced into doing.
You weren't coerced. I think you were trying to lie your way out of it.
I wasn't laying, I wasn't. I was being coerced in it.
I think that, you know what I mean, the one about, you know what I mean, having my fucking, The threesome. The threesome was coerced.
It's only because, because your answer wasn't there, but the closest one was. I wouldn't want, I wouldn't do it.
I wouldn't want it. The guy that was jogging that you and Rudy saw.

Yeah, but I don't want it.

He comes up to the car and goes, Bobby Lee.

No, I wouldn't do it.

I've been such a big fan.

I wouldn't do it.

I wouldn't do it.

And he goes, all I want to do.

So I think that I'm 25%.

No, you're not.

The results are in.

No, because of that question.

Anyway, let me do my final conclusion.

45% bye.

Let me do my last defense.

The name of this episode.

Let me do my last defense. The name of this episode.
Let me do my last defense. Yeah.
Okay. Okay.
My defense is this. Yeah.
Is that, you know, I was highly sexual as a kid. Yeah.
You know? And from where I was raised, the area that I was raised in, right, it was 95% white. Yeah.
Right? San Diego. San Diego.
This is the area that I grew up in. It's the most white place in Southern California.
So, and it was, you know, you have to understand that I went to high school in the 80s, right? So the only, you know, Asian, like right now, there are a lot of women that are being raised with, kinds of information out there in terms of what they're conditioned to think.

You know what I mean?

Because there's – we have now K-pop and people love – what's that?

BLM?

What?

What's that?

BYOB?

What?

BTS?

BTS.

You know, young – you know what I mean? White American-O-B what? BTS BTS you know young you know what I mean white American girls like BTS right and because of the internet and what not right they're just exposed to all kinds of things right sure but back when I grew up they didn't have that right so it's like when they would look at an Asian guy especially white chicks right there were just no sexual feelings toward them plus I'm not like a BTS looking one I'm more Mr. Miyagi yeah like smaller right I am I'm more Mr.
Miyagi right I'm smaller I look like I'm good at clipping you know trees bonsai trees or whatever they're sushi your Panda Express yeah okay yes I'll absorb that. Okay? So imagine being highly sexual.
So it's like I remember going to my friend's house, my friend Alan Meadows, for instance. I know that his dad had a lot of pornography.
So I used to go over there and go, hey, let's look in your parents' room because they're at work and try to find pornography. And I would take one of his magazines.
I would jerk off to it or whatever they were never male ones right i was you know and in high school no one really i wanted to you know i mean hook up but i was highly sexual right so you know i also was on drugs and stuff and whatnot and i used to get drunk a lot and drugs so it's like the little gay you know i mean exposure that i did or behavior right was um out of necessity you know just because just wanting you know i mean some sort of connection with somebody or behavior, right, was out of necessity, you know, because just wanting, you know, I mean, some sort of connection with somebody or whatnot, right? Until I became a standup when I was 23 and I could just get regular chicks because I had confidence. And talent and ability.
Right. And so it's like, you know, am I gay? I don't think I am.
Am I 45% bisexual? I don't think that I am. I think so.
And I think that so. If you're saying you're not gay for the sake of your father.
No, I'm not. I don't give a fuck.
Why would I care? He's not around anymore. I understand.
I don't care. He can't hurt you for being gay.
If I was gay, I would be out. I don't give a shit.
I'm out about everything. I'm the most honest podcaster out there.
I know, but why are you yelling then? I don't know what I... For entertainment? No, I know, but you know what it really is.
What? Look at me. Yeah.
Shut the fuck up, dude. Look at me.
Shut the fuck up. Bobby, look at me.
Shut the fuck up, dude. Bobby.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're gay.
Yeah. Look, I have a lot of gay friends, and I would love to add you to that list.
And I have a lot of gay friends. I want to add you to that list.
That's fine. I was coerced.
I'm 25%. 20% tops.
You're 45? Rudy, how much is he? 50. 50! You think that I'm 50% bisexual.
Yeah, she does. She called it from the jump.
I shot another commercial. Can I show you a commercial I shot? Yeah, sure.
Show them the commercial that I shot. A beer commercial.
When I played baseball, I could hit the ball halfway to China. So I figured I could do the same thing with a golf ball.
No way. But after digging up some turf, there's nothing we like better than cold Miller Lite.
It's less filling and it's got that big taste as hackers appreciate. Where'd that go? Hi-ya! No matter where you play.
I shot that commercial a couple of months ago for Miller Lite.

I hit the ball all the way to China.

Is that my point?

That's my point.

Because back then.

Yeah, that was cool.

If I was an actor.

Yeah, you would have done it.

That would have been the part.

That's the only part.

I know.

Available to me. I don't know.

What happened?

Imagine going to Juilliard.

Yeah.

Where you're an Asian actor. And the next thing you're going.
don't know what happened Why did the book come out of nowhere And then all of a sudden that's it You got paid I understand why that's not appropriate I work at an ad agency You're my boss And I give you the script for that So basically it So basically it's like, you know, three white guys and a black guy. Yeah.
They're playing golf. That is, by the way, that's, I'm blown away that as racist as the commercial was, I can't believe they added a black guy to the group.
Yeah. Because this is pre-Tiger Woods.
Right. Right.
Yeah. Yeah.
Like this commercial is like, they're like, let's be racist against Asians, but we do want a black guy. Right.
Right. Go all the way.
So anyway, so here's the script and they're playing golf and he goes, you know, I'm so strong that I can hit a ball to China. I used to be able to hit a ball halfway to China.
Right? So he drinks a beer. By the way, halfway to China would be the ocean.
Go ahead. Yeah, he drinks a beer and then he hits the ball.
All the way to China. No, check it out.
Yeah. But then you cut to the ball landing in China on a golf course.
Oh, I love it. And then you have four Chinese.
Monks. They're not monks.
They're just in like – they look like they belong in Mortal Kombat. You know what I mean? I did say it was Sub-Zero was there.
Sub-Zero, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they get confused.
They have the accent, obviously. That's what's funny about it.
Oh, yeah on here right you know what i mean and what do you think of that let's put it on the air let's do it yeah i think it sounds like let's do it that but that's i get look as that i'm using that as an example of why it's a coincidence that you talked about not doing the asian accent i get it look i, I get that that's absurd. Yeah, it's when you-

I get it.

But it's back to the coronavirus,

the Kung Flu shit that, you know what I mean?

People were saying and stuff like that.

But that was funny.

I know, but now you can see the real consequences

of old Korean people, Asian people,

are getting beat down in the middle of,

during broad daylight.

But you should just, but as a Korean,

you should just tell them.

If a bunch of thugs are like,

hey, China boy, just be like, I'm Korean.

That was... are getting beat down during broad daylight.
But as a Korean, you should just tell them. If a bunch of thugs are like, hey, China boy, just be like, I'm Korean.
They'll leave you alone. Can we live in a world, though, that just doesn't come up? Of course not.
Of course not. Why? You're never going to get rid of racism.
That's insane. I know.
It's funny. The country was founded on racism.
Because I remember last episode, I talked about watching ken burns vietnam right you taught me a lot but now i'm watching the civil war oh but here so far boring wasn't fun huh first of all right yeah the music well there was no good music that was Right. Right? And it's like there's nobody that they could interview that was actually there.
Well, they didn't let black people make music back then, so you're not going to have any good music yet. That's what I was thinking.
That's the point. Now, check it out.
You know, like we have deep philosophical type figures like James Baldwin back in the 60s and 70s, right? Just a brilliant writer, right? You have like – black people obviously are so talented in every area. Okay.
Right? So you imagine though when you're watching a Civil War documentary of how many of those people that were slaves that were actually geniuses. That never got a chance to show their genius.
They never had the opportunity to show off who they are and what they are. Right.
That's the fucking crazy part of it. Well, then they got – that's why the war was fought over that being part of the biggest – Yeah, but we could have lost it.
That's what's crazy about it. Well, we didn't.
I know. But my point, though, is that if we lost it, you're saying what would the world be like now? What would America be like? Yeah.
And also you look at. So during the insurrection, January 6th, some fucking guy had a Confederate flag just walking around the Capitol inside, you know.
Yeah. And you have to realize how absolutely fucking insulting that is.
And people still think that way. Sure.
Right? And it's like... You're never going to get rid of it.
It's so sad. I know, but let's look at it like this, if we're being serious.
Yeah, I'm trying to be. On the scale of racists, right? Yeah.
We're good. America's good.
Everywhere is racist. We have this weird idea that we're the only country that's racist.
I told a joke in my special about in Costa Rica. I saw them beating a guy in the street.
Yeah. I asked why.
Yeah. And the guy said, because he's from Panama.
Uh-huh. Yeah, they don't like him.
They don't like him and his collection of friends that come over here people are racist all over the how do you like do the japanese like chinese or the koreans you guys like each other now yeah nah no yeah now here in america but a japanese mainland a man that's born and raised in japan right now they don't like the chinese every the whole world is racist my friend we're not the not the only ones. Everyone is racist.
Everyone is racist. But I think to get through it though – We're just – we're just good.
We need an alien invasion. We show it off more.
If we had an alien invasion, I think that would unite us. Do you? Yeah, because it's like if this – like Independence Day.
Right. If this gigantic alien race came and they were going to devastate our planet, we would have to unify.
And then I think that we would get through. So you think we'd come together? I think also it's like there was a lot of – like the Vietnam War, right? There was a lot of white kids from the suburbs or the Midwest that never grew up with black guys.
Sure. But because they were now sent, right, onto the battlefield, right? They were brothers.
They would – if one died, they would carry their body fucking thousands of fucking feet to get them into a helicopter. I mean they would risk their own lives just to save their fellow Americans.
My point is that – We should all be in the army no my point is is that we i think that we need some sort of outside you know i mean element to unite us well so you want to get invaded yeah so aliens should invade us and i think we'll come together it would devastate probably most of the planet but the ones that survived i think you know would be because we came together because we came together over race? I don't know how funny. That's not funny.
It's just an idea. No, it's very real.
Are you racist at all, Rudy? No. At all.
That sounded really, the hesitancy was huge. No, but.
Oh, here's the butt. There's always a butt.
I love the butts. Always a butt.
I love the butts. I don't, I don't, I don't, it's my own skin that I don't like.

No, that's so sad.

What do you mean you don't like your own skin? No, because like when I lived in the Philippines, Filipinos hate on other Filipinos because their skin is darker.

Racism.

See?

So they use like whitening products and everything.

Right.

You want to be, they want more light skin.

Yeah. Who are the Filipinos, Who are people in the Philippines racist towards? Themselves.
And outside of that, who else though? Nobody? Nobody. Yeah.
Well, it's islands. So, you know, they're all over there.
That is an interesting thing about like, you know, skin color. Wanting to lighten up your skin.
Yeah. Yeah.
Bleaching one's skin. Yeah.
I mean, but that's a big deal in many brown cultures, right? That's like a common theme. And look at Andres.
Yep. Andres is a light-skinned Latin person.
Yeah. Right? Yeah.
He thinks, and he said this to me, he's better than dark-skinned Latin people. Isn't that right, Andres? That's right.
See? Because he has lighter skin, he thinks he's superior. Yeah.
Wow. That's real, isn't it, Andres? Yeah.
So, Andres, when you're, like, if people, if, like, a, you know, let's say just some southern white guy looked at you and go, you fucking Mexican wet back or whatever you might say.

That's how they say hello.

You're right.

Would you be offended by that?

Of course.

But you tell him, I'm not.

Yeah, I'm Spanish.

And then they'd be like, oh, my bad.

You'd say what?

I flew here.

I didn't wet my back.

Whoa.

That's a good comeback.

I flew here. First class.
What if the plane was warm? What did he say? Oh, my. I didn't hear what he said.
Can I repeat what he said? Sure. What did he say? So he did a stock 1950s vaudeville joke.
George? Yeah. I mean, I flew here.
Boy, are my arms tired. Is what he fucking just said.

So going back to King of the Nerd type of shit?

Yeah, yeah.

It's not even – but that reference though is so fucking old.

So annoying.

It's like when stand-ups go, you know what I mean?

Don't bother me when I'm working.

I don't go to your job.

Job and smack the dick out of your mouth.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Right.

It's like that fucking hack – I'm available for children's parties.

Try the veal.

It's like that fucking hack. I'm available for children's parties.
Try the veal. Yeah, yeah.
You know what? When we do a Bad Friends tour, I want George to come open for us. Oh, he has to, I'm saying.
Can you do 15, George? I've got five on futons and then I've got six. I can get 10 more.
We should also write Jules, write her a one minute. Yeah, you have to come.
We already talked about this. You have to come along.
Yeah. Would you do performer? How many people do you think we can get in a theater? A couple thousand.
A couple thousand. Right.
So would you perform in front of a couple thousand people? One minute. No.
You could do one minute. You've got to do more than one minute.
One minute is so fast. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So fast. Three Three minutes.
Three's good. Three's good.
Three minutes is good. That's a solid amount.
Do you have a joke lined up right now? Jules, when you're bombing, three minutes is an eternity. Yeah, it's like an hour.
Yeah, yeah. It is.
You're just in a sea of sadness. It's shocking how scary it is when you keep bombing.
It's like when it's silent and you know you're bombing and they hate you.

It's the worst.

And you still have to finish.

I can't wait for you to go through that.

Me too.

What would you do?

Cry and then run away.

No, they'll love you.

They're going to love you.

Rudy's got some songs.

But you have a presentation today?

Yeah, I have another. I'm excited.

But get this up.

Stop your running about.

Oh, yeah.

It's time to straighten right out.

Who sings that?

Stop your running around.

Making trouble in the town.

Oh, Rudy, a message to you, Rudy.

This is good.

A message to you.

Nice.

Who does this?

Pause it.

Who's doing this?

Fans, I wanted to recreate, because we legally can't play any song on here, because YouTube bans us all the time. So the song Rudy.
That's a good song. Rudy.
Let's hear the other one a little bit. Ooh.
Rudy. Rudy.
I wish your heart wouldd with mine Sometimes I can't breathe The original? No. Yeah, this is an original.
But I think of you on online And we could have babies and I'll leave you at midnight Because red and head Asians make a man leave your sight I'll still be with you just away from those kids. We can get Boba or some other cool shit.
Rudy. You put a knife right through me.
This is good. Good.
I'll probably not pay child support. And if you really stab me then I promise I won't call the cops Hey dad Hey dad All cops are bastards Yeah All cops are bastards Yeah All cops are nasty Really good song

This is really good

I like that song

The first one was good too

Shout out to that guy

This is an original

This is his song

Yeah

Hey it's your boy C Nasty

Uh oh here comes C Nasty

Don't worry

You're gonna be able to actually understand the words in this song

Okay Okay. Pretty good.
A little too aggressive for me. Yeah.
Okay, Rudy has a presentation. Let's hear the pre.
This is. Because now you're going back to school, so we want to make sure that you're ready for school stuff.
Yeah. Since I forgot what show Tito Bobby was in, I wanted to apologize and be the better person.
So I'm going to have a presentation and be right. Great.
Background of MADtv. MADtv.
MADtv was an American sketch comedy television series and first right. Great.
Background of Mad TV. Mad TV.
Mad TV was an American sketch comedy television series and first premiered on October 14, 1995. Wow.
The one-hour show first ran on Saturday night at 11 p.m. on Fox.
Its rival was a Saturday Night Live. One of those is still around? Yes.
Mad TV was pre-taped and consists of sketches, cartoon shorts, and musical performances. The show went for 14 seasons and won 12 awards, including seven Emmys.
Did you ever get an Emmy? No. That's the beginning.
Bummer. The key cast members are like the important.
The most important people that did the show. Yeah, the most important members.
Successful. Yeah, were Ike Barinholtz, Deborah Wilson, Nicole Sullivan, Aries Spears, Will Sasso, Phil Amore, Alex Bernstein, Mo Collins, Michael McDonald, Jordan Peele.
That's it. All right, good.
Next slide. What about Keegan? Yeah, Keegan.
And more. Next slide and more nobody else that's it Mad TV was the top sketch comedy show and it helped launch careers for a lot of people that we know are really famous today like Artie Lang, Michael McDonald Alex Bernstein, Keegan Michael Key he was in Lion King the live action, Toy Story 4 of Game On.
Wow. And Jordan Peele.
Wow. Who also won.
Those guys did a lot of great stuff. All right, next slide.
Wow. And then there was Bobby Lee.
First and only Asian cast member. DC Comics owned by Mad TV parent company Warner Brothers is ran by chief creative officer and famous comic book illustrator Jim Lee, who was also Bobby's cousin.
Interesting. Connie Chung is his most famous character because during the show, he shit in his pantyhose.
Time out. Jim Lee is your cousin? No, I don't know.
No, Jim Lee. Wow.
Liar. Next slide.
Liar. We see how you got the job.
The end of Mad TV.

Mad TV had a long, complicated history of Fox.

And because of that, Fox reportedly decided not to renew Mad TV

when production costs became too high given the show's low ratings, 4.5 out of 10.

Ended May 16, 2009.

And as a result, Mad TV never escaped the shadow of SNL that's the funniest shit I've ever she gives the 4 on the IMDB rating yeah yeah unfortunately never escaped the shadow on Saturday Night Live that's all devastating you were it mattered, baby. No, I was in the last of it.
No, the last of it was very recently. They just did a season like two years ago.
Oh, yeah, yeah. You were in the heart of it.
I was in the heart of it, yeah. They did it now.
They did it again. I did it.
With comics that we know. And I was on it.
Would you do a cameo or something? I did three episodes. Did you really? Yeah.
I didn't know that. did one where ike um is revisiting the new matt tv set this is so embarrassing and he was looking through the dressing rooms the same dressing rooms and i was still living in the closet and but i was like a caveman that's funny i mean i think i jumped out of a hole i think i've been here since you know i mean were the sketches good on the new show because we know guys on it adam and and amir Amir, hole.
I've been here since, you know what I mean? Were the sketches good on the new show? Because we know guys on it. Adam and Amir.
Amir, yeah. I thought it wasn't going to work, but it was still fun to do, to see everyone, you know? That's nice.
Same producers and, you know. Anyway, I'm not gay, but, right? That's what we came to.
You're gay. I'm 45% bisexual.

You're gay.

It was still a fun episode to do.

It was a great episode, and the fans will decide.

And the fans will decide.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Yeah Woo Woo

Woo