Is Bobby Bi?

Speaker 1 I am so excited for this spa day.

Speaker 2 Candles lit.

Speaker 1 Music on.

Speaker 2 Hot tub warm and ready.

Speaker 3 And then my chronic hives come back.

Speaker 2 Again, in the middle of my spa day.

Speaker 1 What a wet blanket. Looks like another spell of itchy red skin.
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Speaker 2 What's up, mate? I'm so excited. Why? My merch is out.
Oh, we got done the merch. Click the thing that belongs.
Look below in the merch bar. Or

Speaker 2 go to badfriendsmerch.com. Or click the thing below.
Or click the thing below.

Speaker 2 Do it.

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White thief.

Speaker 4 I mean Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 They're bad friends. Is your mood.
My mood is good. Why were you late? I wasn't late.
I had to finish something and I was like, I'll never make it home. You didn't golf? No, I wasn't golfing today.

Speaker 2 What was it? It's Sunday, so what were you doing?

Speaker 2 You really want to know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I was going to get my father something. It's his birthday.
You couldn't have done that previously? I mean.

Speaker 2 Don't talk to me about management on time.

Speaker 2 Don't you dare talk to me about management on time. I'm not even doing that.
I'm asking you.

Speaker 2 I went to go get something custom made for my dad.

Speaker 2 A belt buckle? It was on the west side. Belt buckle? Socks.
Custom dad socks. Are you really? No, be real.
I went to get my dad a gift. What is it?

Speaker 2 I'm not going to say it. He watches the show.
Congratulations and happy birthday, Mr. Santano.

Speaker 2 Listen, I'm disrespectful. Oh, shit.
Congratulations, Mr. Buzz Santano.

Speaker 2 But my birthday. Mr.
Santano. So that's why you're late? That is what you're on the west side getting socks made or whatever? I was in Santa Monica.
That's a far way away from here. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 2 People, everybody knows we shoot the show in Santa Clarita. It's far.
Yeah. No, we do.
You know where to shoot this. We shoot this in Valencia.

Speaker 2 We are coming to you live from the inside of the six flags. Bro.
Rudy Jules is here in a really bad mood. I texted her.
I said, can we push a little bit today? She wouldn't respond.

Speaker 2 She didn't respond. And then she did this.
She gave me the middle finger emoji. Yeah.
It's funny. She says, she said to me

Speaker 2 on the car right over here.

Speaker 2 You know what she said? What?

Speaker 2 I almost crushed the car.

Speaker 2 When she said, I was like, what? And we almost died. What did she say? She goes,

Speaker 2 She calls me Tito Bobby. I don't know if you know that she calls me Tito Andrew.
Yeah, yeah, so she goes Tito Bobby. I go yeah just out of nowhere she goes I think you're bisexual

Speaker 2 Really and I go

Speaker 2 really

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, and I go why I just think you do I think she's right. You think that I'm bisexual? I think so why because you've had experiences with men that doesn't make one bisexual to have experience.

Speaker 2 You think I liked it? Yeah. You think guys that go to prison and they have they get raped or have prison sex, they like it? No,

Speaker 2 some of them, I think, what if, what if you open up a can? A few people might be like, yuck, a few guys might go, hey, this is pretty good.

Speaker 2 I had someone else. I think I am 12.
I don't think I am, but why do you think so, Jules?

Speaker 4 We were talking something before that.

Speaker 2 About,

Speaker 2 which we can't talk about. Yeah.
So go ahead.

Speaker 4 And then I don't know because, like Tito Vanju said, past experience, and then when we were driving.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 No, go tell them. You saw a good-looking guy.
Tell him. Tell him what happened.
Who do you see?

Speaker 4 We saw a very hot guy.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 4 And then I was just silent. And then Titababi was like, he screamed.

Speaker 2 I what? He screamed. I didn't scream.
You did? Scream. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Scream.

Speaker 4 Not like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then you almost

Speaker 4 stopped the car.

Speaker 2 No, I don't fucking tell this. Who was the guy? Was he a famous guy? No.
So we're driving down the hill. Yeah.
Right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 this guy was jogging up.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? So I'm passing him. I see him right now in my head.
Shirt off. Shirt off.
Oh, I love this guy. It's like Chris Hemsworth.
I know the guy.

Speaker 2 Buff. Olive skin.
Long hair. Long hair flowing in the wind.
Flowing in the wind. Very handsome.
Did you see his picage?

Speaker 2 Did you see his acorn or what? I didn't see his face. You were just.

Speaker 2 So he's jogging up, and I kind of went, whoa, whoa. You know what I mean? How short are the shorts? It's black, black shorts, pretty short.

Speaker 2 Nice thighs?

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. So, you know, I go, whoa.
And then I look at Juliana and then we just both laugh. We started laughing.
A couple giggly girls. Yeah, and

Speaker 2 I go, did you see that guy? She's like, yeah, I did, but you saw him too. And I go, yeah, I was just going, whoa.

Speaker 2 No, because it's when you see,

Speaker 2 you know, I completely identify with this. Thank you.
So when you see a guy, like, because I obviously have eyes and I have a mirror. Small ones, but they're there.

Speaker 2 Rude, but touche.

Speaker 2 So I, and I look in the mirror, and I, I, what I've been doing lately is really, because you know, you, when you see yourself in the mirror, yeah, you don't go, oh, that's me.

Speaker 2 You just kind of, it's just like something that's a reality and something that you see. I hate when we look in the mirror.
Yeah. But what I've been doing lately is analyzing myself.

Speaker 2 You're like your body. Yeah, I just kind of look to see what I did to it

Speaker 2 and what was given to me. I caught a glimpse of myself in my side mirror on the way out of the bathroom and I said, look at that fucking creamsicle.

Speaker 2 I look like a big fat creamsicle right now. Yeah, so when you know when you look at something,

Speaker 2 I'm like kind of like going,

Speaker 2 oh, that's the reality of my situation. Right.
Right. It's just like.
And don't you feel blessed? Yellow, like a yellow dumpling. Like a beautiful little dumpling.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then, and then you kind of look and you go, you know what? But what can I do? There's nothing I can do. Who cares? Somebody wants to do that.
But when you see somebody, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 That's the exact opposite. Yeah, who's hot?

Speaker 2 A hot. Sorry, you're not hot.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 you're not hot.

Speaker 2 Dude, fuck. I didn't say I'm hot.
No, but you're definitely not hot. I know, but you're sexy, maybe, but you're not hot.
I'm because I'm going to say. You're so far away from hot.

Speaker 2 Okay, but do you know that? Like on the scale of hot,

Speaker 2 you're not even close.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 Because in a lineup, in a room full of criminals,

Speaker 2 Of hot criminals, you're not even. Listen, you're the first one.
You know how they go on a scale? They go height by height. You know how you go to a museum? You're so unbelievably nice.

Speaker 2 When I go to a museum, when I was a kid, right? And I had moved out of my parents' house and I would go to the, in San Diego, the Palboa Museum of Arts or whatever.

Speaker 2 And I used to save up money because I didn't have money back then, but I would go once a week. Why would you go every week? Because I really didn't have any friends.

Speaker 2 And I just, I was like one of those guys that played chess till three. It was gross.
I would play chess till three in the morning at a coffee shop. And like, I started reading, like, you know, coffee.

Speaker 2 Kierkegaard, you know what I mean? And like philosophical books, right?

Speaker 2 This is like a foreign Asian guy. You're from America.
This sounds like you're an immigrant Asian. Yeah, anyway, I would go there and I would sit and I would look at the paintings.
Right.

Speaker 2 And Renaissance paintings. And you would see like how they used to draw women back then.
Thick. Yeah, thick and like with the holes.
Right.

Speaker 2 Not the vagina, but like cellulite almost sometimes and the rolls and whatnot. And that's what they viewed as beautiful.
So yeah, in our modern current climate, I am not hot.

Speaker 2 But back then, I could have been. You would have been a hot woman.
You would have been a hot round woman.

Speaker 2 Or a man. Not a man.
No, because men had muscle and everything back then still.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah, back then, men were still in good shape. Because I

Speaker 2 let me make a defending myself. Women have seen statues.
Yeah. You've seen the statue.
You go to a fountain. Yeah.
A white people's fountain. David.
David's James.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and you see, you know what I mean? A white man. Right.

Speaker 2 He has either grapes. Right.

Speaker 2 And he's doing this. Yeah, he's thinking.
And he's also doing this hip, you know what I mean, thing like this.

Speaker 2 And he's just like pondering things. Yeah, he's thinking a lot.
Right. And then you look at the dick, and it's like, I kill it.
It's a small dick. Yeah, it's a real small dick.

Speaker 2 Well, we didn't start to get big dicks until the late 1800s.

Speaker 2 Hormones, milk, and all that stuff. Really? Yeah.
Interesting. Everybody had small dicks.

Speaker 2 So everybody. I'm serious.
Historically, most people had small dicks. Are you making this up? No, this is a fact.
All right. Well, I just learned something new.
But think about it like this.

Speaker 2 If you think David's, Michelangelo's Dave, you think David had a small dick in comparison to his body? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And the running joke about Asians having small denisen. Imagine how small Asians' penis were.
If that was regular for a white guy, what was regular for you for a while?

Speaker 2 Well, they would save a lot of fucking cement or whatever.

Speaker 2 They would like, like, we have some dust left over.

Speaker 2 There's his penis.

Speaker 2 Oral gum. They took gum and just stuck it on there.

Speaker 2 You're right, though.

Speaker 2 You would have been back in the... But the reason that women were beautiful because they were thick was because people could eat.
Eat meant you had money.

Speaker 2 But this is an interesting thing to talk about. Skinny meant you're poor.
Because it's like socially, right, and our culturally, right? We deem certain things attractive.

Speaker 2 And don't you think it's just a consensus? We're programmed to think that someone like a Brad Pitt, oh my God, he is high. You've stumbled when you talk.

Speaker 2 You started a jewel when you talk I got scared I get scared sometimes but yeah when you look at like somebody like you think that you know we're conditioned yeah you know no but he's no no no something

Speaker 2 attractiveness yeah and on that level yeah is not subjective it's objective symmetry is attractive to us right yeah so symmetrical faces clean, like smooth skin, no matter what the race is.

Speaker 2 Are you getting horny right now? No, I'm not. Because I've been thinking about this one incident when I was,

Speaker 2 so before, I used to have this girlfriend, Christine Portilla, but before Christine, right, there was this one girl, and she was like from the Midwest.

Speaker 2 I forgot her name, but I remember I hung out with her like for six months. And we connected on a level that was pretty cool.

Speaker 2 You know, I mean, we liked the same films and music, and we'd hang out all day. And then one night I go, that was a comic.
I mean, this is

Speaker 2 right after Mad TV. So it was like, you know, it wasn't like I was a poor comic.
We were doing fine. I was doing fine.
And one night I went in

Speaker 2 for a kiss. Oh.
Right. And she did this.

Speaker 2 Oh. You know when that happens? What was she looking at?

Speaker 2 Anything but me.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Look. You know what I mean? The skyline.
Oh. Yeah.
Yeah. Or whatever.
Cool. And then I go, oh, whoa, so I read it wrong.
She's like, there's just no way.

Speaker 2 I go, there's no way.

Speaker 2 I go, what?

Speaker 2 Just look at, I just, you're,

Speaker 2 everything about you is just, there's nothing. Really? Yeah, and I go.
You have six months of this? Yeah, yeah. And I go, really?

Speaker 2 I mean, just friend. By the way, six months.
I know. She goes, friend.
Friends.

Speaker 2 Hard D.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, so hard D. Friend.
Right. And then that's when I realized that, like, if I just looked a certain way, right? Yeah.
That maybe she would have done it. No.

Speaker 2 No, because women aren't as shallow as men. Women will date a man that's unattractive.
They'll just be attracted to them for other qualities, i.e. who you're with right now.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So it's like, there just was no connection with you and that girl.

Speaker 2 No, because I'll tell you. No sexual connection.
No, because I'll tell you what happened. What?

Speaker 2 Not with her, but with somebody else. Do you know Patrick Swayze? No, Patrick Keene.
Patrick Keene's a comedian. Yeah, I know him.
You know him? So Patrick Keene used to live in Koreatown, right?

Speaker 2 And there was another another girl, right, where she was an artist, and I begged,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? I begged on my hands and knees for her to please us make out. Right.
She's like, no, no, nope. No way.
No way. She turned away too.
Another friend. Can I even go for a kiss?

Speaker 2 And she turned away. You're making a lot of friends, at least.
I know. But then later, right,

Speaker 2 I remember she brought paintings.

Speaker 2 This is before I was on Matt TV. Sure.
And then she brought paintings to the comedy store, right?

Speaker 2 And she told a doorman, she goes, I didn't know that he would become famous and I want to hook up with him again, like hang out with him again. And I drew him up a painting.
No. Right? And no.
No.

Speaker 2 You know, I got the painting and I threw it in that big dumpster. You know,

Speaker 2 in the store? Yeah. Yeah.
I've thrown only two things in that dumpster. I threw, I've thrown that painting in that dumpster.
It was a painting of you.

Speaker 2 I don't think it was. I think it was a painting of like Asians like working on a farm.

Speaker 2 Rice farm or something. I would have liked that.

Speaker 2 And And then I threw away one of Sebastian's pairs of shoes. Why would you do that? Oh, man.
What he did was

Speaker 2 what Sebastian Monascalco did was blasphemy. What?

Speaker 2 So I'm at the comedy store one night, minding my own business.

Speaker 2 Here comes Sebastian. And he looks, you know, back then he used to wear like silk.

Speaker 2 red, you know what I mean? T-shirt. I mean, button-ups.
Oh, yeah. Black slacks.
Yeah. Right? Dress shoes.
But so there we go. So it's the shoes.
I look down and I almost vomited.

Speaker 2 I went, you know what I mean? I go, what the fuck is that? Right. And he goes, oh, I just got this from, you know, online, from Italy.
Right. And I go.
It's a good impression, by the way.

Speaker 2 No, please don't right now. Not right now.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 oh, I just got this from Italy.

Speaker 2 So what they were were black dress shoes. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So imagine black, and they're slip-ons. So imagine slip-on, black dress, which is fine.
Farragamos? Yeah, yeah,

Speaker 2 which is fine. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 have you ever seen ninja shoes? Ninja shoes. Yeah, where like the, it was the toe.
Yeah, the toe. You could see the toe.
Right. And then there was another section for.
Which shoes were that? Yes. No.

Speaker 2 Leather, right?

Speaker 2 But with the toe. Ninja turtle toes.

Speaker 2 Right. One big toe, another toe.
Right. He goes, look at it.
It's fucking, you know, futuristic or whatever, right? They've never done this before or whatever. And I go, how much were they?

Speaker 2 He goes, I don't know, $125.

Speaker 2 I had $200 in cash. I'll give you $200 right now.
And there was a bunch of comics standing around. Why did you want the shoes so bad? To throw them away.

Speaker 2 You just wanted them. So you bought them? He took the shoes off? He took them off.
He had like sandals in the car. Yeah.
He goes, I got sandals. I go, give me, here's $200.
And people were laughing.

Speaker 2 Right. Right.

Speaker 2 And I gave him the $200. I took them and everyone saw.
I threw them in the the dumpster. Did he see? Yeah.
Blasphemy. And he was laughing, too.
Did he go get him? Oh, he could have.

Speaker 2 I bet you he went and got him. What a coward if he did.
He's like, good night, everybody. Climbing in the trash.
Yeah, but so I've done two things. I've thrown that painting

Speaker 2 and that. Why did Pat Keene come into that story?

Speaker 2 Where was Pat Keene? Because Pat Keene used to live in

Speaker 2 a shitty apartment in Koreatown. And she lived there.
No. He used to have people in the building hang out there.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was sort of like a gypsy gypsy kind of dwelling i don't even know what that means just people coming in and out and you know oh like a like you mean like a like a traveler yeah yeah it was like uh you know a halfway house or bohemian bohemian halfway house yeah come and go as you please yeah and um she used to hang out there and i um but i think i've been thinking about but the gay thing the bisexual thing um i think you're wrong because um are you afraid of being bisexual no i have nothing against me a bisexuality you know no of you of you being bi Are you afraid of bio?

Speaker 2 No, no, because you don't think that I, you know, you know,

Speaker 2 who said a life not self-examined is a life not worth living. I think it was Socrates who said that.
Sure. Right.

Speaker 2 So I've examined my life. You know what I mean? I know what I like, what I don't.
And I've gone internal. It's just natural when you see a hot guy to go, wow, that's a hot guy.
Right.

Speaker 2 So what you read was, you know, I'm just going, oh, there's a specimen for you. What do you think? Do you think that's a lie?

Speaker 4 I just think if there's an opportunity that Tito Bobby could

Speaker 4 do something to a man, he would.

Speaker 2 Hmm, that sounds fair. That's fucking crazy.
That sounds fair. But what gives you that idea?

Speaker 4 I just feel it.

Speaker 2 We got a little soothsayer over there. Right.

Speaker 2 She can feel the vibe. I know, because she, I'll tell you what she's getting, though.
It's like I tell jokes around the house, right?

Speaker 2 Like, like, we'll watch a movie like Mad Max. Mm-hmm.
You know what I mean? And then, you remember the first scene in Mad Max where you see Tom Hardy's back? Yeah. Right.

Speaker 2 And he turns around and he has a lizard in his mouth. Right.
Whenever he turns around, I go, boink.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? I'll make that noise to get a laugh from the hot. Maybe that's a way of you covering up your insecurity about it.

Speaker 2 You can actually feel

Speaker 2 not weirded out by it and not know how to address it. Let me tell you something.
You know who Tyler the Creator is? The rapper? Yeah, of course. Okay.

Speaker 2 When we worked together on punked, this is before he kind of came out as,

Speaker 2 I don't know, I think he's pansexual, means anything, right? Isn't that what it is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what he came out as, but whatever.
He used to come come up to me all the time,

Speaker 2 constantly, and call me gay. Constantly.
He'd be like, you gay ass, gay ass red motherfucker. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Every day. Yeah.
And I'd be like, I'm not gay.

Speaker 2 I mean, I don't care, but why is he just saying? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And he would say that all the time to people.

Speaker 2 And then years later, when it came, I was like, oh, it's just because he loved playing with the idea because it was his truth to

Speaker 2 say things were gay. Right, right.
Because he was cool. That was in him somewhere.
So maybe it's in you somewhere. Well, here's where I'll.

Speaker 2 Because maybe you saying boink is comedy covering up for fact. No, it's not that, man.
You heard it here on Bad Friends. Bobby Lee is Bobby.

Speaker 2 Please submit to give me some of that, Bobo. I'm not denying it.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to deny it yet, but let's explore it for a second. I want to.
What I'm saying is, is that, like, for instance, right? If there was a guy, a producer of a huge movie,

Speaker 2 right? Yeah. And you were going to get paid, the role was $2 million.
You just knew that it was going to change your fucking life and your career. I know where this is going.
Right.

Speaker 2 So what I'm asking is most guys would be like, no, I wouldn't suck that producer's dick for the job. Right? Would you? Bobby Lee.
Would you?

Speaker 2 I would not. You would not? You know what? Me either.

Speaker 2 No, yeah, you would. Me either.
Yeah, you would. Me either.
See, you have to say it so loud because it's real. No, no, no.
Yeah. No, I'm like, I'm not gay.
That's like a 13-year-old. I'm not gay.

Speaker 2 Me either, dude.

Speaker 2 How about this? Yeah. Give me a scenario.
What if I told you you're in the room with him and he said, I want you to just kiss me? I just like to be kissed on my penis, but I don't have to complete.

Speaker 2 Oh, like a, oh, like just a peck on the tip? Like this. Oh,

Speaker 2 I'd even do this. Right.

Speaker 2 And I would even do this at the end. Right to the tip.
And do a lick. And he says, you have to do that for 10 minutes.
A lick? 10 minutes, and then I'll give you the roll. You have to kiss me on it.

Speaker 2 But I also want to. No, like I'm eating a vagina, and I'll do it on the tip of his penis.
Right, you have to do that 10 minutes. And he has to get a picture of it.

Speaker 2 Well, could I be laughing? No. You got to take it serious.
Because I would be laughing my head off. And he wants to take one photo of it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's so funny because Kalila, Kalila, we were laughing at this idea of like a sex scene with me and some other male guy, right, in it.

Speaker 2 And I go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, there's no, because there are just certain guys, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Like, for instance, I talked to Joe Coi yesterday, and I thought to myself, if I had to do, you know, a makeout scene with Joe Koi, I just wouldn't be, we would just be like, we can't do it.

Speaker 2 You'd be laughing the whole time. Because we would laugh so hard.
And then I, and she goes, what about Santino? And I go, there is absolutely no way. There's no way.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't do a sex scene with me. I just, it depends on the money.
Okay, all right. So you're getting a million.
I'm getting a million, right? I'll do it.

Speaker 2 No, and then we both have to be literally naked on the set. I'll do it.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Speaker 2 no. We have to, we don't have to

Speaker 2 do tongues, but we have to do open mouth as we're making out. I'll do it.

Speaker 2 I'll do it for the sake of the comedy. I know.
No, it's not. It's a drama.
I know, but

Speaker 2 afterwards, it's comedy. Okay, do you really, literally think,

Speaker 2 first of all, if it's a one-day,

Speaker 2 they're shooting for one scene? Do you think people are believable that you and I are in love? Yeah, they could. People at home think we're in love.
Yeah. That's why we do this show.
But it would be,

Speaker 2 it would take a week to get that scene done. Sure, but we'll get it.
We'll be laughing so hard. But we'll get it.
Yeah. I'm going to do it.
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Speaker 2 So Ike Baron Holtz, when we were on Matt TV together, we did this geisha sketch where, you know,

Speaker 2 you know, and he played like this American soldier, and I played a geisha. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And we were doing a montage scene. Right? What do you mean? Like, it was just like montages of us making love.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? On a refrigerator, you know, into just different places, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And then Ike goes,

Speaker 6 Let's scissor,

Speaker 2 which wouldn't make any sense, right? Makes a lot of sense to me, right? So, we got on this mattress and we got in the scissoring position, and we almost got fired.

Speaker 2 We were laughing so hard, you couldn't get through it, we couldn't get through it, tears coming down our face, right? So, I'm saying that I don't know if I could do it.

Speaker 2 Would you do a kissing scene with uh Eric Griffin?

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 why

Speaker 2 he's not my type. No, no, no, be real, why?

Speaker 2 He's not my type. So I'm your type?

Speaker 2 You're my type for...

Speaker 2 Yeah, if I was going to be a dominant sex. No, I'm the dominator.

Speaker 2 You're absolutely. You're the bottom for sure in the sand.
Really? Yeah. You're the bottom.
You're a little jelly baby.

Speaker 2 You're for sure the bottom.

Speaker 2 But to break stereotypes, right? And to do a different angle on it. More inclusivity.
Right, that you would have to be the bottom. I just, I could.
It wouldn't be possible. Yes, it would be.

Speaker 2 You'd lay on my stomach, on your stomach. You'd crush me.
Right.

Speaker 2 i would lay bare it would hurt imagine dude imagine you layering laying bare think about it on your stomach with your pale red white cheeks yeah right me taking off my pants right

Speaker 2 and then me laying on top of you

Speaker 2 rolling rolling right on top of you imagine though what if i got erect what would you say i i go figures Figures. Yeah.
Slip it in.

Speaker 2 Slip it in. Stop being a goose.
I said no to Eric Griffin, too, when Kalila brought his his name up. Well, who's going to play it? What do you mean? Who's going to play your lover?

Speaker 2 Who's going to play this gay lover in the show? She was throwing Joe Coy in the menu. I don't think I couldn't do anything that's fine.

Speaker 2 Why don't you get a really good-looking guy and really test your ability? You really want to test Rudy's theory? Get a super hot guy to do it with. Like the guy that was just jogging.

Speaker 2 We should have just pulled over. You went apart? Uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah. He's like, wait, what's up? Of course.
Yeah. Yeah, you should get a really hot guy to test your.
Rudy's theory might be right.

Speaker 2 I'm Brandon Ruth. Who?

Speaker 2 Brandon Ruth. Is that his name? I don't know who Brandon Ruth is.

Speaker 2 He was Superman.

Speaker 2 Is he like your celebrity crush?

Speaker 2 Well, I'll tell you. It's weird because me and my old lady have the same celebrity guy crush.
Brandon Ruth, that guy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, you like him? Dude. Rudy, is that guy good looking? Yeah.
Yeah, that was quick.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 click on one. I'll tell you my story with Brendan Ruth.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So the casting that we talked to. Yeah.
Not my type, again. She called in.
Yeah. She had this weird part.
So the two people she wanted maybe for it was either him or me. Same guy.

Speaker 2 So, we were sitting in the lobby together, right? We didn't say anything. Yeah, we're just kind of going over our lines because he thinks there's no way you're out for the same role.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that guy looks at you and goes, Well, we're not going out for the same thing. But I looked at the sign-in sheet, and it said the same character.
Wow, yeah, well, they want diversity.

Speaker 2 I don't know what it was, but I remember just going, you know, when you read that,

Speaker 2 that I'm we're going for the same part, I you almost want to leave. I would leave, yeah, like you're gonna get this.
So

Speaker 2 I'm leaving, yeah, yeah. Unless they're going for comedy.
But I remember thinking, like, I did maybe five glances.

Speaker 2 I did this. I was reading.

Speaker 2 You were wanting him to return a glance? You never did. And then I did a longer one.
I went.

Speaker 2 Do you know why? Why? Hot people don't see ugly people the way that we see them.

Speaker 2 You're saying stuff. I swear to God.
You're saying blasphemy. I'm telling you.
That's crazy. I've been around enough hot people.
They don't look at us the same.

Speaker 2 They look at us. They look through you a little bit.
No, they look at you like you're sort of like

Speaker 2 furniture. Right, like you might be able to, you're help.
I've had high, high, hot people use me as furniture. Right.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Like lean on me. Yeah, because you're

Speaker 2 like, you know,

Speaker 2 you know, like someone like Oliver Hudson, he's better looking than I am. But yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Right.

Speaker 2 And I remember one time when we were splitting up together,

Speaker 2 the director was giving us notes and he kind of leaned on my head. Cute.
I know, like this, and I was just kind of like, you know what I mean? Just, yeah, what do you do? Yeah, thank you, Oliver.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. May I have another one?

Speaker 2 You're right. So they

Speaker 2 look at you. Your objects, you're kind of like

Speaker 2 in a hot person's world, we are different colors. You're not in the same category as me.

Speaker 2 Because you. Me and you? Yeah.
We do get lumped in the same. There's no way.
Because I'll tell you why.

Speaker 2 We get lumped in the same as far as like red-headed men get lumped in this like oh, he's the he's like a he's like

Speaker 2 one of the sad boys

Speaker 2 put him in the ugly

Speaker 2 because I Because there's things that I know about you

Speaker 2 right things that happen to you that would never happen to me

Speaker 2 Okay, but so what my point is is that you know

Speaker 2 Aside from show business, yeah, right if you're just lining us up outside on the street no one knew who the fuck we were and you would say who's better looking?

Speaker 2 They would say, neither, and keep driving. You think so? They'd go, goodbye.
You're both weird.

Speaker 2 And they'd be gone.

Speaker 2 Between you and George, though. So what's George then? If we're ugly, what is George? George is,

Speaker 2 well, you see, George is a nerd, right? A smart. Because smart, ugly people are actually more coveted in their community.
And of the nerds, he's kind of a good-looking nerd. He's a Silicone Valley.

Speaker 2 Exactly. Right, he'd be killing it.
Exactly. Ah.
When you're a nerd like George is, and you're

Speaker 2 a full-blown dork. Freakazoid nerd.
Yeah, yeah. Black poindexter doofus.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Then when you look like George, he kind of is the top end of good-looking dork. Yeah.
In the dork world, he's up there because he doesn't have buck teeth.

Speaker 2 He says like words that I don't ever say. Like he probably five times a day says this word, algorithm.
Algorithm.

Speaker 2 Analytics. Analytics.
Analytics. Algorithms.
Algorithms.

Speaker 2 With George, he's the top of that category. Right.
But let me say this. Let me jump backwards real fast.
Look, I am agreeing with Bobby.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to go with you on this, Jules, that you're not bisexual. You're just conscious of your, of your, you're comfortable with your manhood.
You're conscious of your feelings.

Speaker 2 Some men are like, ew, other guys aren't good looking. It's gross.
But like, I see a guy and I'll go, sometimes I'll pass a guy with my lady and I'll go, don't you see that fucking guy? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, good. And then she'll go, and then she'll go,

Speaker 2 I mean, what? No. And I know she's lying.
Right. Of course you saw that guy.
Yeah. The whole fucking Trader Joe's saw that guy.
Yeah. I wanted to follow him.
Yeah. I wanted to go where he was going.

Speaker 2 I didn't even need stuff from the frozen sex, but I'm going there now because Hot Guy's there. Because the shirts fall on their back just right.
Yeah. Their pants always fit the best.

Speaker 2 Their shoes are cool. Also, their hair is just neat.
The way it just like lays. What gets me?

Speaker 2 Like, I know he's not. This episode is called We're Not Gay.
Yeah, we're not gay. But we are.
What gets me? I have a friend. He's an actor.

Speaker 2 He's small like I am, but I think he's cute.

Speaker 2 His name is Ashton Holmes. Do you know him? What a name.
No, but what a name. So he was in a movie called

Speaker 2 History of Violence. I love it.
Did you see that movie? No, but I love it. Vigo Morrison.
No, I didn't saw it. So he played Vigo Morrison's son in the movie.

Speaker 2 And Ashton, I've had coffee with him, right? Yeah. And many times when I've had coffee with him, I've been so focused on his...
He has wet lips.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I'm drinking it, right? I try not to do it, right? And he'll be talking about like he loves yoga. Of course he does.
Yeah, yeah. You know, so I was doing the downward dog, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And he's talking about this thing about the the downward dog, right? And I'm like, yeah, I know, that's a difficult. And I'll just kind of look at his lips and I'll just get lost in it.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? No, not in a gay way. Not in a sexual way.
What do you mean, not in a gay way? Because your lips are so fucking dry, it disgusts me. Why do that to keep you away from me?

Speaker 2 I don't want you to start getting turned on.

Speaker 2 You have naturally moist lips and you

Speaker 2 dry out. You dry.
Before I come here, I put the hair down. You're right.

Speaker 2 So, like, I'll be having coffee with Ash and I'll just be kind of lost in his moist pink lips. Yeah.
Yeah. It kind of looks like a pussy almost.
That's why. Yeah, maybe.
Hot people are so hot.

Speaker 2 Sometimes they're androgynous where you don't know

Speaker 2 it's hot for a guy or hot for a girl. It's the one and the same.
Yeah. Sometimes they're so hot, it doesn't matter what it is.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But that's just because they, that's why I'm saying it's, it's objective. It's obvious when someone's hot.
We all go, well, look, that person's hot. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That guy that was in Drace's movie that we showed last week, Aiden Canto, the guy that was in the sitcom with me. Yeah.
I'm not joking.

Speaker 2 When we would go to get lunch together and go to like Crafty, the way that people looked at him just to get lunch was like what a pleasant like like they brought he brought them joy by being so good looking

Speaker 2 he go hi how are you and they're like hey yeah they give joy and they're so nice and they're sweet he brightens and then i go and i go hey what do we have pork loin today and they're like yes yeah

Speaker 2 yeah yeah take it and get the fuck out yeah it's just hot hot people make people feel um vulnerable Because they're better than us.

Speaker 2 It's almost unfair. They're better than us.

Speaker 2 You know that whole idea you know how that whole this is what i don't i believe in god all right okay okay but but this when when religious people say this yeah and god loves everyone the same it's not true it's so not true yeah not true obviously has favoritism going on yeah like just imagine like him making a chris hemsworth or a tom hardy right i'll give him talent but let's spend a week on the face right with me right

Speaker 2 yeah they went you gotta go

Speaker 2 this one

Speaker 2 right

Speaker 2 we gotta make a billion of them go go

Speaker 2 and he just threw them you know what i mean yeah not just one at a time in groups god i think god plays jokes yeah he makes jokes and then they say he gave me pimples on top of pimples yeah what is what that is that a bit

Speaker 2 Like they were they were like getting drunk and he was just like pimples and then he was like, put them on top of the other pimples.

Speaker 2 Why? Yeah, and that probably like Moses or somebody said to God, why? Let's just see what happens. It's funny.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's funny.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then like you, you see, like, some kids are born as a Rockefeller. Right.
They're born. And then some kids are like born in some tundra in Africa.
You know what I mean? Right. Right.

Speaker 2 With just famine, war, disease. That's the quick.
That was a.

Speaker 2 There's no, God doesn't love everyone the same. It's impossible.
It's impossible. It can't.
It literally can't be. It doesn't make any sense.

Speaker 2 But also, you stumbled up for a second when you said God, I do believe in a thing. I don't call it God.
I don't like that.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah, what I mean by God, I don't mean like, you know, a Western religion version of it. I just don't like the idea of it being some dude in the sky with sandals.
I think that's absurd.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's absurd. But

Speaker 2 I don't like it when someone does religious imposition. Like last night, or a couple nights, two nights ago, I was with my friends and their baby, right?

Speaker 2 And we're walking in the neighborhood, and a woman is clearly coming from the bar around the corner, and she's tanked. And she's like, oh, my God, is that a baby? Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, it's not a baby in the stroller. What the fuck do you think this is? Yeah.
Yeah, it's a fucking baby. Oh, yeah.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. God bless.
And God bless you and the baby. And she kept saying, God bless over and over and over.

Speaker 2 And it's almost like, okay, but like, God bless your baby and God bless the health of your baby. Yeah.
What if my friends don't believe in God? Yeah. Stop saying God bless the baby.

Speaker 2 Also, what if God hates that baby? Yeah.

Speaker 2 what if it's a really ugly baby yeah so don't do that to the baby and the family yeah god bless you and god bless the baby maybe god didn't bless the baby it's got one eye yeah religion is um

Speaker 2 one of those things that people because i understand it right we're a product of our environment right for instance you know i always tell my christian friends that like you know if i was born right

Speaker 2 in a Buddhist colony somewhere in Tibet or whatever, right?

Speaker 2 I'm not going to be a Mormon, right? No, I'm a fucking Buddhist. You're a Buddhist.
You're just, you're, whatever is around you, you get fed that stuff. Totally.
And it molds you.

Speaker 2 And that's what you are.

Speaker 2 Until you decide I don't want to do it anymore. Some most, a lot of people do that.
Or continue. Yeah.
And then, so for me, it's like I wasn't raised

Speaker 2 with any kind of religion, really. I mean, I was baptized Mormon.
You were? Yeah, you don't know that? I've never known that. Yeah, yeah.
Do you know that? No. You were baptized Mormon, yeah.

Speaker 2 What? Paul. You know, Paul? Paul.
Remember the phone thing that we, that the invention that he made? Yes, Paul. Yeah, yeah.
We sold a lot of those. Did we? Yeah, so my uncle, Paul's dad,

Speaker 2 was a Mormon. And you got baptized a Mormon.
And he used to make us get in the car.

Speaker 2 Right? And it's a Sunday. Imagine, I was never even raised religious.
Just one day, my mom was going, you have to get out that we have to go to the, you have to go to the church.

Speaker 2 So you'd go to the church. So I would go, and then I auditioned for the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
What?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and I i didn't even make it the first round because they could tell i put the bow tie on and everything right and i was like

Speaker 2 out get out

Speaker 2 right so then i auditioned for that and then i would go and then next thing i know i'm i'm in water how old are you

Speaker 2 12 i don't know really i don't know how old i was Well, because

Speaker 2 in Catholics, we baptize when you're a baby. No, I was in the, like, I had, no, I didn't have hair.
I didn't have hair until I was 19 or whatever, which was when it happened.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute, you were in water.

Speaker 2 When I discovered hair,

Speaker 2 it was as if I won a billion dollars in the lottery. Yeah.
One hair kind of sprouted when I was like 19.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was so excited. Were you in a tub? Where did you get baptized? It was at the

Speaker 2 church, the church in Powwe, where I'm from. I know, but how big was what were you in a tub? It was like a jacuzzi.

Speaker 2 Not somebody's backyard. It was the size of a jacuzzi, but square.

Speaker 2 they have jacuzzis at church yeah the mormons are tight and they you go down these stairs and i remember the water being really cold and i remember shaking because it was because they didn't want to do it right like you know when you you're just going down and some white man old white hand right imagine an old wrinkle it white hand he grabs the back of your head and he slowsly dunks you in right and then you're like you know what i mean yeah you're in the water and you're like Wow, what am I doing here?

Speaker 2 Does he say something while he's dunking you?

Speaker 2 I don't remember. Because the Catholics, they do a whole thing and they flip the baby and all that.
That's why I would baptize Mormon men. And why didn't you continue Mormonism? I stopped and

Speaker 2 they're worse than like

Speaker 2 with the

Speaker 2 student loan people.

Speaker 2 They hound you. About coming back.
Yeah. Every day I would get phone calls.
You're going to come back? Yeah. Where are you? Right?

Speaker 2 Do you think that's why you started Partying Hard? Was because Mormonism?

Speaker 2 No, I think it was because I was, number one, born with that disposition. Disease.
Right. Number two, I think

Speaker 2 what exasperated it, you know what I mean, was the beatings from my dad. Yeah.
The violent nature of my house. Right.
And then I was molested. See, I think this is a thing.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Rudy might be avoided to something because of when your dad used to tell you, you can't be gay. Yeah.
Maybe that's because he felt like you might have been gay and he was trying to beat it out of you.

Speaker 2 Gonna beat the gay right out of you is what your dad was trying to do. So subconsciously, you might have gay thoughts.

Speaker 2 I've told you that. I don't know if I've told you this, but there was a kid at parties

Speaker 2 that used to just go, suck my dick in the bush, and I would do it. Yeah, you told me that, right? Yeah.
So, I remember when he used to grab my head to do that.

Speaker 2 I have his name, but I'm not going to say it. Say it.
No. Say it and we'll bleep it out.
It'll be fun. No, because I can't say it because it's like Beetlejuice.
He wrote me a letter. No.

Speaker 2 You say three times, he'll come back and say, No, no, no, no, what happened was

Speaker 2 when I was at the American Comedy Company,

Speaker 2 during a weekend there, I go into

Speaker 2 the back dressing room or whatever,

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 there's a note You know what I mean on the table right and it doesn't say any kind of apologies. I'm sorry that you know I made you suck my dick You know me 10 times or whatever, right?

Speaker 2 It was like I have a family now I have kids and I just want to congratulate you congratulate you on all your success and Here's my number if you ever want to hang out and like I'm like I'm gonna call that so that

Speaker 2 next thing you know, I'm at his house. Right.
Sucking his dick. There's all these bushes in the backyard.

Speaker 2 in front of his family

Speaker 2 which one which one you know his wife is like do it yeah so um

Speaker 2 what was i saying yeah but i remember him doing that and in in when i was a kid younger and going was he the same age yeah and going i don't want to be doing this i hated it yeah you know what i mean so i don't know i don't think i'm gay well that

Speaker 2 that's abuse that's not

Speaker 2 What do you mean? What he was doing was abuse. It's not like you're like, oh, yeah, this isn't right for me.
That's not how like gay men hook up.

Speaker 2 They don't get like physically forced into sucking random guys' penises. He was cute, though.

Speaker 2 It's consensual before.

Speaker 2 I don't have any... I don't have that.
I'm not trying to fish to find out.

Speaker 2 I have no...

Speaker 2 Rudy thinks so. Honestly, honestly, dude, I don't have any...

Speaker 2 Even if like

Speaker 2 if I was like

Speaker 2 I went to like some sort of clinic

Speaker 2 and they did all these tests on me, right? And I went to a bunch of different gay test? yeah, just a gay test, right? They, they, you know what I mean? They got to know my history, right? Right.

Speaker 2 And I was completely, they, they injected me with some honest serum, some truth serum, truth serum, whatever, that's what it's called, yeah. Yeah, and I'm babbling off.

Speaker 2 And if, and at the end of the, because when my dad died and I went to that trauma place, I told you about that like last year,

Speaker 2 they had this thing where all the counselors, right,

Speaker 2 all the therapists at this place put me in a gigantic kind of like mini gymnasium.

Speaker 2 And they all had notes of analyzing me and they're telling me what's wrong with me whoa right and everyone stood up well i did it you know i mean a two-hour session yeah and i found this about him you know

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 so i if if they did that and they said but there was one for gay people and they said we you know what i mean we've done all the you know tests yeah we think that he is 100 true homosexual right i wouldn't i would be like all right you would accept it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I don't think that that would happen. All right, but it sounds like you kind of want it to happen.
No, I don't want it to happen. And I'm going to tell you another thing, too, all right?

Speaker 2 Here's another thing to defend myself. I like that you think there's a gay test.
It doesn't matter. There's no, but here's another thing.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is

Speaker 2 I can't tell you the comic's name, but there was a comic.

Speaker 2 I heard a rumor that he,

Speaker 2 him and another comic guy, sucked each other's dick in a movie theater. And you got jealous? No, I didn't get jealous.

Speaker 2 So then I remember, so the second time I had, I remember watching him hook up with this girl, right? And he, I remember him going,

Speaker 2 I don't know what's wrong. Oh, right?

Speaker 2 Sorry.

Speaker 2 Sorry, Juliana. It's fine.
Sorry, Juliana. But then here's what I'm saying.
Now you say sorry?

Speaker 2 No. It's been 55 weeks of this.
This is something that this is new.

Speaker 2 Okay, good.

Speaker 2 So 17 years ago, when I got sober the last time, you know what I mean? When I knew I was going to get sober,

Speaker 2 what I did was for a whole week, because I lived in Silverlake. Yeah.
And I used to just invite comics and people over to my house, right? Because I'm going, I'm going to rehab, right?

Speaker 2 So let's just come to my apartment. Let's smoke weed and drink whiskey all week long.
Yeah. Right.
Yeah. So we were watching Platoon.

Speaker 2 It was just Platoon was on, right? And I was high and drunk. Right.

Speaker 2 And he said that he was on my couch. It was just him and I.
So

Speaker 2 we're watching Platoon. I'm high and drunk.
And you have to imagine I hadn't been high and drunk in 12 years. Like, right? So I had been sober for that long.
Right.

Speaker 2 And he goes, hey, let's suck my dick, man.

Speaker 2 Let's suck my dick. He goes, suck my dick, man.
From behind. And I don't know if, like, if I was so high and drunk, because I remember going, just watched Willem Defoe in this movie.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Yeah. And I think he's, come on, man, suck my dick.
Right.

Speaker 2 And I was just like, focus on it. Pretending to not hear it.
Oliver Stone is so talented. You know what I mean? Pretending not to hear it.
You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, if I had this, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 This was what was happening, right? Literally. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Just focus on this. Right.
He's sitting next to you. And then I remember going, you know, I'm getting kind of tired, man.
It was like seven.

Speaker 2 It was 7 p.m. Get a little tired, man.
Get the fuck out of here, man. Trying to crash early, dude.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Let me ask you about this, though, because this actually happened today about the Asian accent thing.

Speaker 2 So I got offered, you know, a very big movie with a very big star. We not say who? No, I don't want to, because I talked to the director today on Zoom, and he's the nicest guy in the world.

Speaker 2 He huge fan. Who is the director? Do I know? I'll tell you later.
Okay.

Speaker 2 But he was just like, you're right for the part. And it's like...

Speaker 2 a thick Asian accent. And I'm just like,

Speaker 2 I just can't do it. But why? See, I'm curious because I remember doing when I was on the dictator and I did an accent for that.
Well, I love a George Clooney, he's an old-fashioned movie star.

Speaker 2 He's gay, he sucks my dick.

Speaker 2 No, those are just rumors.

Speaker 2 Are you homosexual? I remember having a conversation with John Cho, and I go, Is that weird? He goes, I would never do it.

Speaker 2 Right. Like, I've never done it.
But he's, but he's, you know, what?

Speaker 2 You know. No.

Speaker 2 Like a real actor.

Speaker 2 I know he is. Well, we're not real actors.
We're comedic actors. I understand that.
But still, it kind of like

Speaker 2 it kind of jarred me. It hurt your feelings a little bit, too.
A little bit because.

Speaker 2 He's like saying, I'm better than you. No, it wasn't that because, you know, I, you know, I...

Speaker 2 It was. He got some sort of lifetime, like, Asian Excellence Award thing that he wanted me to be the presenter.
I mean, he's always liked me, and I always liked that hand.

Speaker 2 Right, but he knows that he's his skill level is different than yours. Yeah, because he did beat me out of Harold Lakuma, 100%.
Yeah, obviously. Yeah, I mean, they put you in the movie, no less.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but

Speaker 2 um,

Speaker 2 yeah, so whenever he said that back then, you know, I mean, I had only done it like I had curb, I did an Asian accent. It was very funny, though.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I did Asian accents for, you know, remember Josh Gad? Josh Gadd? Josh Gadd and Billy Crystal had a show, right? It was called The Comedians. The Comedians.
Yeah. I did an Asian accent for that.

Speaker 2 Did they ask you to, or you did it on your own? No, because it's Larry Charles. I know.
So Larry Charles, he did all three of them, Dictator, Curb,

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 that show was all Larry Charles. I know, I love him.
And he likes the way I do Asian accents. So he just,

Speaker 2 if he needs an Asian accent, he always calls me. Well, you're going to do it.
Also, you know, so like, but then after John said that, I was just like, I just can't fucking do it anymore.

Speaker 2 It just does, it just.

Speaker 2 but why do you think asians don't have asian accents

Speaker 2 i think it's because um if the camera

Speaker 2 back in the day that's all they wrote us sure right and that's how they see us but back in the day there weren't a lot of american asians yet until if i was generation if i was in a show called deadwood yeah and i was playing a fucking you know i mean a chinese man who was doing laundry obviously i would do an accent because that's what was around it fits the you know the environment but you're saying there's no asians in 2021 with But in 2021, what I'm saying is that I'm a guy in L.A.,

Speaker 2 right? Right.

Speaker 2 It's like, why do I have to do an Asian accent? Because you just came over here from Korea.

Speaker 2 I understand that. You just got here a year ago.
Right, then get

Speaker 2 an actor.

Speaker 2 My argument is that, because it was written for like a 70-year-old

Speaker 2 Asian man. Perfect.
Right?

Speaker 2 Like, do you ever see The Matrix, obviously, The Key Master or whatever his name is, you know what I mean? Yeah. That type of guy.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 They had one in John Wick, too, where it's like he's the medic. Yeah.
This old Chinese man, right? That's what it was written, you know, that archetype, character type, I mean.

Speaker 2 And it's like, get that guy. But he's busy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, you're next on the list, kid.

Speaker 2 Why do you do this? I want you to do an Asian action. No, no.

Speaker 2 Stop for a second.

Speaker 2 Why do you do this? The show? No, no, no. Why do you do? Why do you always, right?

Speaker 2 I say one thing. I do it for Rudy.
And no, no, no, I'm asking you, all right? I say one fucking thing, dude, right?

Speaker 2 And you always take the opposing, right, point of view to fucking make my throat sore. Right.

Speaker 2 Why do you do that? All right. Let me start the, let's do it the other way.
Okay. Now, I'm going to agree with everything you say.
I'm not going to oppose anything.

Speaker 2 Okay. Now

Speaker 2 you answered the question. That's right.
Right. That's right.
To create.

Speaker 2 To create conversation. Conversation.
Right. We're making a fucking show here.
Okay. All right.
We're making a fucking show. So let's go.
Welcome to Bad Friends. Let's go the other way then.
Okay.

Speaker 2 All right. All right.
So they made me do, they're making me do this Asian accent. Oh, why would they make you do the Asian accent? Exactly.
Why would they do that in fucking 2021? Yeah, wake up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's just as good.

Speaker 2 You shouldn't ever do an Asian accent.

Speaker 2 But I say that honestly because you're not good at it. I'm better at the Asian accent than you are.

Speaker 2 And can I say something? I mean it. And I mean this.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 you're making me so mad. You're making me so mad.
But I mean this.

Speaker 2 I would have to agree with you. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Only because yours, you look so Asian that

Speaker 2 when you do the accent, they go, this is fake.

Speaker 2 But for me, I look like me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like one, you know.

Speaker 2 It's like my Indian accent. It's because I grew up next to an Indian family.
Yeah. And I listened to them every day.

Speaker 2 And we would, and I would just be able to impersonate it because it was monkey see monkey do. Yeah.
So most people do an Indian accent. It's not going to be gay.
And it's clearly not gay. You are.

Speaker 2 I'm not gay. Honestly, you are.

Speaker 2 This whole episode, it's been, you know, whatever, 40 minutes. We're just figuring it out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like,

Speaker 2 I'm not gay, but I'd be okay if I was. Yeah.
Because who cares? Like, if someday I figured out, I was like, maybe I guess no, I am.

Speaker 2 You, you continue to tell me that you're not gay with so many gay lived experiences. Yeah.
You don't understand the vibe that you put out. Okay.

Speaker 2 I think other people think you might be sexually

Speaker 2 open. Why read it on the internet? Because you've had more people say to you, hey, suck my dick.
Hey, let's go to have sex with. It has to do with my size.
No, it has to do with your vibe.

Speaker 2 That shirt's kind of gay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because you know what's so funny? You have a gay vibe, maybe. It's so funny because

Speaker 2 I was at the Abbey. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's a gay bar here. It's the most famous gay bar here.
So I was at the Abbey during the day. I don't know why.

Speaker 2 I know why.

Speaker 2 No, so anyway, I was at the Abbey and I was with

Speaker 2 a couple of guys. Justin Martindale.
No, I wasn't.

Speaker 2 No, I wasn't. Yeah.
And we were just sitting around the Abbey, I think, because I was sober at the time, right? And I was just drinking like a Diet Coke or whatever. And this guy I was with, right?

Speaker 2 He had a buddy that came that just kind of happened to see him. Sure.
Right. And he sat with us.
And then he put his hand

Speaker 2 on your pants. On my leg,

Speaker 2 and started rubbing my knee. I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, dude.
I said to him, dude, I'm not. You know what I mean? I mean,

Speaker 2 I'm flattered. Right?

Speaker 2 and he goes oh i thought you just give off those vibes you do and i go oh i shouldn't be doing that well it's hard it's your aura it's your essence right you give off a vibe of like i could be down yeah you're like a you're like a challenge yeah a guy a good-looking guy sees you and he goes look at that little pudgy challenge look at that little fucking load of the earth challenge

Speaker 2 i think you're a you're a challenge yeah but that's a compliment yeah right a gay guy sees me and he goes no chance no see but greg i i equate it to this you know greg Fitzsimmons. Of course.

Speaker 2 Love him. Yeah.
Best comic. Yeah.
So Fitzsimmons told me a story where back in the day when he was in Boston,

Speaker 2 he was a young man and he goes, one day I just wanted to see if I was gay or not. Test the water.
Right. So he goes, I went to a park where I knew gay dudes were fucking in a what?

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, I know that every city has a park. Every gay has a park.
Yeah. People were fucking in the forest.
In the woods, yeah. In the woods, right?

Speaker 2 So he goes, you know, I just showed up there one day, right? And I was talking to him about it. And he goes, I walked into the forest and this guy comes up to me, right?

Speaker 2 And he came really close to me. And I guess Greg pushed him.
Yeah. And he just left the forest and realized he wasn't gay.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? So he just committed a hate crime.

Speaker 2 So when he told me that story, I was like, you know, that's me. It's like, I, I, I, I've always been kind of curious about it.
You've been close to the edge.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and I like being in close to the edge on everything, drugs. Right.
Like, I like visceral movies, you know what I mean? I like weird music, you know?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't know what that has to do with being gay. No, no, but I'll tell you why, because I'm whimsical in that way.
Whimsical. You are whimsical.
Yeah. Which is why you borderline.
I'm not gay.

Speaker 2 Can you look up take a gay test? We should take a gay test. I'm going to find out.
I'm not gay. By the way, you say it negative.
It's fine.

Speaker 2 If I happen to be one, that's fine. But I'm just not one.
I don't know why this podcast has turned into this. Well, because

Speaker 2 Rudy said that she thinks you might be.

Speaker 2 And let's take this quiz. Let's take this quick quiz and just to find out.
All right. By the way, this is from MIT developed.
Oh, this quiz. It's got to be real then.
Yeah. Okay.
Let's start.

Speaker 2 Let's try it. Okay.
Why'd you decide to take the test, Bob? Is that what? Yeah, to check how gay you are.

Speaker 2 I'll read it to you. No, zoom it in.
Okay, zoom it in. Zoom it in.
Pinch and zoom. There we are.
Okay, so.

Speaker 2 Why did you decide to take this test? To check how gay I am. Exclamation point.
To make sure that I'm straight. Exclamation point.
Just to have fun. Sometimes I have fantasies about the same sex.

Speaker 2 Go click on the second one. Just to make sure that I'm straight.
Yeah, yeah. Right.
Safety net. Okay, so have you ever looked at a person of the same sex and felt attracted in a sexual way?

Speaker 2 Let me read. Okay, go ahead.
Yes. Have you ever looked at a person of the same sex and

Speaker 2 felt attracted in a sexual way? Yes, all of my crushes are same sex. Yeah.
Sometimes, but I also have a crush on the opposite sex. Never.
I'm not gay at all.

Speaker 2 Very rarely, but there were a few moments when I really liked someone of the same sex. Give me four.
Okay, so very rarely, but there were a few moments when I really liked someone of the same sex.

Speaker 2 Yes. Yes, give me four.
Perfect.

Speaker 2 If your best friend confessed to you that he is gay, you would feel delighted and welcome him or her into the club, get excited and start flirting with him or her, make a joke about it, or tell him or her that sometimes you feel attracted to the same sex too.

Speaker 2 Third. Make a joke about it.
Right.

Speaker 2 Have you ever worn or fantasized wearing clothes of another sex? All the time? Sometimes, we're probably not going public like that.

Speaker 2 Never or rarely, but sometimes I may wear my partner's clothes outside.

Speaker 2 I think it's four. Yeah, rarely, but you actually sometimes wear Kalila stuff.
Yeah. How frequent are your same-sex sexual fantasies?

Speaker 2 All of my dreams are about the same sex most of the time, never or rarely.

Speaker 2 How many frequent are your same-sex fantasies? How many times do you have a dream about the same sex? You've never had a dream with another guy in it. Nope.
You sure? Yep. All right.

Speaker 2 There were no people left in the world except for someone of the same sex.

Speaker 2 You would be happy as no one would ever flirt with you ever again, be disappointed that you're losing out on another sex, or fall into despair as you will never have a sexual partner ever again.

Speaker 2 Probably three. Fall into despair.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex? Yes, I do it all the time. Once or twice.
No way. Or I love kissing people regardless of their sex.
Third. No way? Yeah, absolutely.
You've never

Speaker 2 dick, but never fucking. Well, why can't we make that the same thing? They're not the same thing.
They're not the same thing.

Speaker 2 I know. You went to third base instead of first.
No, no, I was kissing somebody. They're kissing.
They're so sensual.

Speaker 2 They're saying, did you ever hit passion? They're saying, did you ever hit a single? And you're like, well, I got a triple. Yeah, that's not what the question is.

Speaker 2 I think for your sake. No, no, I want to answer the question.
All right, you did. Never.
I only. Never.
You only like the opposite sex. No way.
No,

Speaker 2 we're on a new one. We went forward.
Okay, if your partner. If your partner offered you a threesome with someone of the same sex, you would feel excited about it.
Be confused. Never.

Speaker 2 Or do it as long as do it because I don't care about the sex of another person. Be confused, but I would probably do it.
Never.

Speaker 2 I only like. Here's the problem with that.
Kalila said it's a really good looking guy. Okay, here's the problem with that.
There should be a fifth one in there. But there's not.

Speaker 2 I know, but can I give you the fifth one? Yeah. Is I would do it just as long as I don't have to touch the guy.
Okay, so I think that would be do it as I don't care about the sex of another person.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I think that that's, you know what I mean? That's not what the question that they're asking. We're as close as we can get.
I think it's do it. I think you'd do it.
No, I would go three.

Speaker 2 Never. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't like that answer. Yeah, yeah, but that's it.
But I think you're lying because you want to break the gay test. No, I'm not trying to break it.
I'm trying to answer as honestly as I can.

Speaker 2 Okay, so what you said then, as long as you don't have to touch the guy, then that would be two. Be confused, but you'd probably do it.
Okay, go. Two.
That's right.

Speaker 2 Would you be comfortable with a gay colleague flirting with you at work? Well, I do this almost every week.

Speaker 2 Sure, it's a lot of fun. I guess so.
It depends on the situation. I would feel very awkward about it, or it's never appropriate to flirt at work.
Four. Never appropriate to flirt at work.

Speaker 2 Yep, it's not appropriate. Okay.

Speaker 2 Your friends decide to go to a party at a gay bar. You would feel like you're going home.
Let's party.

Speaker 2 Get excited to go check out a new venue. Feel threatened or uncomfortable or get secretly excited as you always wanted to check out a gay bar.
Second. Get excited to check out a new venue.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I like new things. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're 54% straight, 45% buy. That's right on the line, kid.

Speaker 2 Right down the line. Wow.
I'm 54% straight. So, I mean, and that's.

Speaker 2 You have one of those questions. Let me tell you something.
You could read it. You can read it that way.
You have one of those questions, though? Because you're reading a glass half empty.

Speaker 2 If you read a glass half full, it's I'm 45% bi or gay. That's a lot of bi-gay.
That's almost half of you is bi-gay. Yeah.
Yeah. So? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Huh. I want to vote.
Let the fans vote. Yeah, yeah.
Let the fans vote because, you know,

Speaker 2 this is as close as we're going to get to accuracy. Yeah, but let me just,

Speaker 2 can I do my final?

Speaker 2 Let me have a final say here. A final plea for your sexuality.
No, no, no, no. I'm not pleaing for anything.
I'm accepting what are the, although one of the questions I was coerced into doing.

Speaker 2 You weren't coerced. I think you were trying to lie your way out of it.
I wasn't laying why. I wasn't.
I was being coerced in it. I think that, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 The one about me having my fucking... The threesome.
The threesome was coerced. It's only because

Speaker 2 your answer wasn't there, but the closest question.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't do it.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't want it. The guy that was jogging that you and Rudy saw.
Yeah, but I don't want it. He comes up to the car and goes, Bobby Lee? No, I wouldn't do it.
And it's been such a big thing.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't do it.
And he goes, all I want want to do is. So I think that I'm 25%.

Speaker 2 No, you're not. The results are in.
No, because of that question. Anyway, let me do my final conclusion.
45% buy. Let me just do my last defense.
The name of this episode.

Speaker 2 Let me do my last defense. Yeah.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 2 My defense is this. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is that,

Speaker 2 you know, I was highly sexual as a kid. Yeah.
You know,

Speaker 2 and from where I was raised, the area that I was raised in, right,

Speaker 2 it was 95% white. Yeah.
Right. San Diego.
San Diego. This is the area that I was raising.
It's the most white place in Southern California.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 it was, you know, you have to understand that I went to high school in the 80s,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 So the only, you know, Asian, right now, there are a lot of women that are being raised with, you know, all kinds of information out there in terms of like what they can be, what they're conditioned to think.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Because there's, you know, we have now

Speaker 2 K-pop and people love, you know,

Speaker 2 BK, what's that? BLM?

Speaker 2 What's that? White OBS? What? BTS? BTS.

Speaker 2 You know, women, young, you know what I mean? White American girls like BTS, right?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 because of the internet and whatnot, right? They're just exposed to all kinds of things, right? Sure. But back when I grew up, they didn't have that, right?

Speaker 2 So it's like when they would look at an Asian guy, especially white chicks, right? There was just no sexual feelings toward them. Plus, I'm not like a BTS-looking one.
I'm more Mr. Miyagi.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like smaller, right?

Speaker 2 I am. I'm more Mr.
Miyagi, right? I'm smaller. I look like I'm good at clipping, you know, trees, bonsai trees, or whatever.
They're sushi, you're Panda Express. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, yes.

Speaker 2 I'll absorb that. Okay.

Speaker 2 So, you know, so imagine being highly sexual. So it's like, I remember like going to my friend's house, my friend Alan Meadows, for instance, right? I know that his dad had a lot of pornography.

Speaker 2 So I used to go over there, right, and go, hey, God, let's look in your parents' room because they're at work, you know, and try to find pornography.

Speaker 2 And I would take one of his magazines, I was drug off to whatever, right? Of course. They were never male ones, right?

Speaker 2 And I was, you know, and in high school, no one really wanted to, you know what I mean, hook up, but I was highly sexual, right? So, you know, I also was on drugs and stuff and whatnot.

Speaker 2 And I used to get drunk a lot, drugs. So it's like the little gay, you know what I mean, exposure that I did or behavior, right, was

Speaker 2 out of necessity, you know, just because just wanting, you know, I mean, some sort of connection with somebody or whatnot, right?

Speaker 2 Until I became a stand-up when I was 23, and I could just get regular chicks because I had confidence and talent and ability.

Speaker 2 And so it's like, you know, am I gay? I don't think I am. Am I 45% bisexual? I don't think that I am.
I think so.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I think that so. If you're saying you're not gay for the sake of your father, no, I'm not.

Speaker 2 Why would I care? He's not around anymore. I understand him.
I don't care. He can't.
If I was gay, I would be out. I don't give a shit.
I'm out about everything.

Speaker 2 I'm the most honest podcaster out there. I know, but why are you yelling then?

Speaker 2 I don't know why. Why? For entertainment? No, I know, but you know what it really is.
What? Look at me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Shut the fuck up, dude. Look at me.
Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 Bobby, look at me. Shut the fuck up, dude.
Bobby. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You're gay.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Look, I have a lot of gay friends, and I would love to add you to that list.

Speaker 2 And I have a lot of gay friends.

Speaker 2 I want to add you to that list. That's fine.
I was coerced. I'm 25%.
20%.

Speaker 2 You're 45.

Speaker 2 Rudy,

Speaker 2 how much is he?

Speaker 4 50.

Speaker 2 50.

Speaker 2 You think that I'm 50% bisexual?

Speaker 2 Yeah, she does. Yeah, yeah.
She called it from the jump. Yeah, yeah.
I shot another commercial. Can I show you a commercial I shot? Sure.
Show them the commercial that I shot, a beer commercial.

Speaker 7 When I played baseball, I could hit the ball halfway to China. So I figured I could do the same thing with a golf plump.

Speaker 2 No way.

Speaker 7 But after digging up some turf, there's nothing we like better than Cold Miller Light. It's less filling and it's got that big taste as hackers appreciate.
Where let's go

Speaker 2 no matter where you play.

Speaker 2 I shot that commercial a couple months ago for Miller Light. I hit the ball all the way to China.
It's my point. That's my point.

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 2 back then,

Speaker 2 if I was an actor,

Speaker 2 that would have been the part. That's the only part available to me.
Oh, I don't know. I don't know.

Speaker 2 What the heck?

Speaker 2 Imagine going to Juilliard. Yeah.
Where you're an Asian actor. And the next thing you're going, oh, I don't know.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 Why did the ball come out of nowhere? But, you know.

Speaker 2 And then all of a sudden, that's it. You got paid.
So, if I was like, like, you weren't,

Speaker 2 let's say, I was I understand why that's not appropriate. I mean, I work at an ad agency, you're my boss, yeah, right, and I give you the script for that, yeah.

Speaker 2 So, basically, it's like you know, three white guys and a black guy, yeah, they're playing golf. That is, by the way, that's I'm blown away.

Speaker 2 That is as racist as the commercial was, I can't believe they added a black guy to the group. Yeah, because this is pre-Tiger Woods, right, right, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, this commercial is like, it's they're like, let's be racist against agents, but we do want a black guy,

Speaker 2 right, right. Go all the way.
So, anyway, so here's the script, and they're playing golf. And he goes, you know, I am so strong that I can hit a ball to China.

Speaker 2 I used to be able to hit a ball halfway to China. Right?

Speaker 2 So, he drinks a beer. By the way, halfway to China would be the ocean.
Go ahead. Yeah, he drinks a beer and then he hits the ball.
All the way to China.

Speaker 2 No, no, check it out. Yeah.
But then you cut to the ball landing in China on a golf course. Oh, I love it.
And then you have four Chinese monks. They're not monks.

Speaker 2 They're just in like, they look like they belong in Mortal Kombat. You know what I mean? You know,

Speaker 2 I did say it was Sub-Zero. Was that? Sub-Zero? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And they get confused. They have the accent, obviously.
That's what's funny about it.

Speaker 2 Well, what is going on here? You know what I mean? And what do you think of that? Let's put it on the air. Let's do it.
Yeah. I think it sounds like...

Speaker 2 Let's do it.

Speaker 2 But that's, I get, look.

Speaker 2 I'm using that as an example of why it's a coincidence that you talked about not doing the Asian accent. I get it.
Look, I get that that's absurd. Yeah, it's when you...
I get it.

Speaker 2 But it's back to the coronavirus, the kung flu shit that, you know what I mean, people were saying and stuff like that. That was funny.
I know, but now you can

Speaker 2 see the real consequences of

Speaker 2 old Korean people, Asian people, are getting beat down in the middle of, you know, during broad daylight. But you should just, but as a Korean, you should just tell them.

Speaker 2 If a bunch of thugs are like, hey, China boy, just be like, I'm Korean.

Speaker 2 They'll leave you alone. Can we live in a world, though, that

Speaker 2 just doesn't come up? Of course. Not.
Of course not.

Speaker 2 Why? You're never going to get rid of racism. That's insane.
I know it's funny because the country was founded on racism.

Speaker 2 Because I, you know, remember last episode, I talked about watching Ken Burns' Vietnam. Right.
He taught me a lot. But now I'm watching the Civil War.
Ooh.

Speaker 2 So far,

Speaker 2 boring.

Speaker 2 Wasn't fun, huh? First of all, right? Yeah. The music.
Well, there was no good music there.

Speaker 2 That was the music. Right.
Right. And it's like, there's nobody that they could

Speaker 2 interview that was actually there. Well, they didn't let black people make music back then, so you're not going to have any good music yet.

Speaker 2 That's what I was thinking. That's the point.
Now check it out.

Speaker 2 You know, like,

Speaker 2 you know, we have deep philosophical type figures like James Baldwin back in the 60s and 70s, right?

Speaker 2 Just a brilliant writer, right?

Speaker 2 You have, like, you know,

Speaker 2 black people obviously are so talented

Speaker 2 in every area. Okay.
Right.

Speaker 2 So you imagine, though, when you're watching a Civil War documentary, of how many of those people that were slaves, that were actually geniuses. That never got a chance to show.

Speaker 2 Never had the opportunity, you know,

Speaker 2 to show off, you know what I mean, who they are and what they are. Right.
That's the fucking crazy part of it.

Speaker 2 Well, then they got, then, then that's why the war was fought over that being part of the biggest. Yeah, but we could have lost it.
That's what's crazy about it. Well, we didn't.

Speaker 2 I know, but my point, though, is that

Speaker 2 if we lost it, you're saying, what would the world be like now? What would America be like?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and also you look at, so during the insurrection, January 6th, some fucking guy had a Confederate flag just walking around the Capitol inside, you know. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you have to realize how absolutely fucking insulting that is.

Speaker 2 And people still think that way. Sure.
Right. And it's like.
You're never going to get get rid of it. It's so sad.
I know, but let's look at it like this, if we're being serious. Yeah, I'm trying to.

Speaker 2 On the scale of racists, right? Yeah. We're good.
America's good.

Speaker 2 Everywhere is racist.

Speaker 2 We have this weird idea that we're the only country that's racist. I told a joke in my special about in Costa Rica, I saw them beating a guy in the street.

Speaker 2 I asked why.

Speaker 2 And the guy said, because he's from Panama.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they don't like him. They don't like him and his collection of friends that come over here.
People are racist all over the...

Speaker 2 Do you like, do the Japanese like Chinese or the Koreans? You guys like each other? Now, yeah. Nah.
No. Yeah, now.
Here in America.

Speaker 2 But a Japanese mainland, a man that's born and raised in Japan right now, they don't like the Chinese.

Speaker 2 The whole world is racist, my friend. We're not the only ones.
Everyone is racist. Everyone is racist.
But I think to get through it, though,

Speaker 2 we're just good. We're good.
We're an alien invasion. We show it off now.
If we had an alien invasion, I think that would unite us.

Speaker 2 Do you? Yeah, because it's like if this, like, like Independence Day,

Speaker 2 if this gigantic alien race came and they were going to devastate our planet, we would have to unify. And then I think that we would get through.
So you think we'd come together?

Speaker 2 I think also it's like there was a lot of, like the Vietnam War, right? There was a lot of,

Speaker 2 you know, white kids from the suburbs or the Midwest that never grew up with black guys, right? Sure. But because they were now sent, right, onto the battlefield, right? They were brothers.

Speaker 2 You know, if one died, they would carry their body fucking, you know, thousands of fucking feet to get them into a helicopter.

Speaker 2 I mean, they would risk their own lives just to save their fellow Americans. My point is, is that we should all be in the army.

Speaker 2 No, my point is, is that we, I think that we need some sort of outside, you know what I mean,

Speaker 2 element to unite us.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 so you want to get invaded? Yeah. So aliens should invade us, and I think we'll come together.
It would devastate probably most of the planet, but the ones that survived, I think, you know.

Speaker 2 Would be because we came together over race? I don't know how funny. That's not funny.
It's just an idea. No, it's very, it's very real.

Speaker 2 Are you racist at all, Rudy?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 At all? That sounded really. The hesitancy was huge.

Speaker 2 No, but.

Speaker 2 Oh, here's the butt. There's always a butt.

Speaker 2 There's always a bud.

Speaker 4 I don't, I don't, I don't, um, it's my own skin that I don't like.

Speaker 2 No, not other skins. It's so sad.
What do you mean,

Speaker 2 you don't like your own skin?

Speaker 4 No, because like when I lived in the Philippines, Filipinos hate on other Filipinos because their skin is darker.

Speaker 2 Racism, see?

Speaker 4 So they use like whitening products and everything.

Speaker 2 Right. You want to be they want more light skin.
Yeah. Dude, what, what, what, who is, who are the Philippines, who, who are people in the Philippines racist towards?

Speaker 2 Themselves. And outside of that, who else, though?

Speaker 2 nobody nobody yeah well it isn't it's islands so you know they're all out there that is an interesting thing about like you know

Speaker 2 wanting to lighten up your skin yeah yeah bleaching one's skin yeah that's I mean that's but that's a big deal in many brown cultures right that's like a common theme and look at Andres

Speaker 2 yep Andres is a light-skinned Latin person. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. He thinks, and he said this to me, he's better than dark-skinned Latin people.
Isn't that right, Andres? That's right. See?

Speaker 2 Because he has lighter skin, he thinks he's superior. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow. That's real, isn't it, Andres?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, Andres, when you're like, if people, if like a, you know, let's say just some southern white guy looked at you and go, you fucking Mexican wet back or whatever you might say.

Speaker 2 That's how they say hello.

Speaker 2 Would you be offended by that? Of course. But you, but you tell him, I'm not.
Yeah, I'm Spanish. And then they'd be like, oh, my bad.

Speaker 2 You'd say, what? I flew here. I didn't wet my back.
Whoa.

Speaker 2 That's a good comeback.

Speaker 2 I flew here. First class.
What if the plane was warm?

Speaker 2 What did he say? Oh, my. I didn't hear what he said.

Speaker 2 Can I repeat what he said? Sure, what did he say? So he did a stock

Speaker 2 1950s vaudeville.

Speaker 2 George? Yeah. I mean, I flew here.
Boy, are my arms tired is what he fucking just said.

Speaker 2 So going back to king of the nerd type of shit. Yeah, yeah.
It's not even, but that, but that reference, though,

Speaker 2 is so fucking old. It's so annoying.
It's like, you know, when stand-ups go, you know what I mean? Don't bother me when I'm working. I don't go to your job.

Speaker 2 And smack the dick out of you. Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Speaker 2 It's like that fucking heck.

Speaker 2 I'm available for children's parties.

Speaker 2 Try the veal. Yeah, yeah.
You know what? When we do a Bad Friends tour,

Speaker 2 I want George to come open for us. Oh, he has to, MC.
Yeah. Yeah.
Can you do 15, George? I've got five on boutons, and then I've got

Speaker 2 ten more.

Speaker 2 We should also get, write Jules, write her a one-minute bit. Yeah, you have to come.
We already talked about this. You have to come along.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Would you do perform her for how many people do you think we can get in a theater? A couple thousand, two. A couple thousand.
Right. So, would you perform her for a couple thousand people?

Speaker 4 One minute. No.

Speaker 2 You could do one minute. You got to do more than one minute.
One minute is so fast. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So fast. Three.
Three minutes. Three's good.
Three minutes. Three minutes.
That's a solid amount. Do you have a joke lined up right now? Jules, when you're bombing, three minutes is an eternity.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's like an hour. Yeah, yeah, it is.
You're just in a sea of sadness. It's shocking how scary it is when you, when you, when you're bombing.

Speaker 2 It's like when it's silent and you know you're bombing and they hate you.

Speaker 2 It's the worst and you still have to finish.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? I can't wait for you to go through that. Me too.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 What would you do?

Speaker 4 Cry and then run away.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 No, they'll love you. No.
They're going to love you. Rudy's got some songs.
But you have a presentation today? Yeah. I'm excited.
But

Speaker 2 get this done.

Speaker 2 Stop your riding about.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's time to straighten right out.

Speaker 2 Stop your riding around.

Speaker 2 Making trouble in the town.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 Rudy.

Speaker 2 A message to you, Rudy. This is good.
A message to you, Rudy.

Speaker 2 Nice.

Speaker 2 Who does this? Clause it.

Speaker 2 Fans, I wanted to recreate because we legally can't play any song on here because YouTube bans us all the time.

Speaker 2 So the song Rudy. That's a good song.
Rudy. Let's hear the other one a little bit.

Speaker 2 Sometimes I can't breathe.

Speaker 2 Original? No. Yeah, this is an original.
But I think of you online,

Speaker 2 and we could have babies, and I'll leave you at midnight. Because red-headed head Asians make a man leave your sight.
I'll still be with you, just away from those kids.

Speaker 2 We can get Boba or some other cruel shit. Rudy,

Speaker 2 you put a knife right through me.

Speaker 2 This is good, guys.

Speaker 2 I'll probably not pick child support.

Speaker 2 And if you really stab me, then I promise I won't call the cops.

Speaker 2 It's down.

Speaker 2 All cops are bastards. Yeah.

Speaker 2 All cops are bastards.

Speaker 2 All cops are bastards.

Speaker 2 Really good song. This is this is really good.
I like that song. The first one's good too.
Shout out to the best. This is an original, but this is an original.
This is his song. Yeah.

Speaker 6 Hey, it's your boy C Nasty.

Speaker 2 Uh-oh, here comes C Nasty. Don't worry.

Speaker 6 You're going to be able to actually understand the words in this song.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Watching my favorite podcast about who friends are bad. Got this tiny little Asian man and a ginger, always mad.
Then one day, up on my screen, I see something new. Oh my god, who is this? Who is she?

Speaker 2 She's so damn cute. Her name's Rudy, and she's a cutie, and she's very, very shy.
It don't matter, seems so sweet and innocent. Couldn't tell a lie.

Speaker 2 I'll come through, break you out of that shell like a hermit crab. Not with a physical violence or anything, fucking kind of bad.
I mean, I'll take you on a date. We'll get whooper floats.

Speaker 2 Anybody making

Speaker 2 pretty good. That's pretty good.
Pretty good. A little too aggressive for me.

Speaker 2 Okay, Rudy has a presentation. Let's hear the pre this is good because now you're going back to school, so we want to make sure that you're uh, you know,

Speaker 2 that you're ready for school stuff. Yeah, um

Speaker 4 since I forgot what show Tito Bobby was in, I wanted to apologize and be the better person. So I'm gonna have a presentation and be right.

Speaker 2 Great

Speaker 4 background of Mad TV. Mad TV.
Mad TV was an American sketch comedy television series and first premiered on October 14, 1995. Wow.

Speaker 4 The one-hour show first ran on Saturday night at 11 p.m. on Fox.
Its rival was a Saturday, Saturday night live.

Speaker 2 One of those is still around?

Speaker 4 Yes. Mad TV was pre-taped and consists of sketches, cartoon shorts, and musical performances.
The show went for 14 seasons and won 12 awards, including seven Emmys.

Speaker 2 Did you ever get an Emmy? No. That's the beginning.

Speaker 2 Bummer.

Speaker 4 The key cast members are like the important

Speaker 2 people that did the most important. Successful?

Speaker 4 Yeah, were Ike Baron Holtz? Yep. Deborah Wilson.
Yep. Nicole Sullivan.
Yep. Aries Spears.
Will Sasso. Yep.
Phil Lamar.

Speaker 4 Alex Bernstein.

Speaker 2 Remo Collins. Yes.

Speaker 4 Michael McDonald. Yep.

Speaker 2 Jordan Peel. That's it.
All right. Good.
Next slide.

Speaker 2 What about Keegan? Yeah, Keegan. It was Keegan.
And more. Next slide.
Nobody else. That's it.

Speaker 4 Couriers.

Speaker 4 Mad TV was the top sketch comedy show, and it helped launch couriers for a lot of people that we know are really famous today, like Artie Lang, Michael McDonald, Alex Bernstein, Keegan Michael Key.

Speaker 4 He was in Lion King, the live action, Toy Story 4, and also the host of Game On.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 4 And Jordan Peele. Wow.

Speaker 2 Who also won. Those guys did a lot of great stuff.
All right, next slide.

Speaker 4 Wow. And then there was Bobby Lee.
First and only Asian cast member.

Speaker 4 DC Comics, owned by Mad TV parent company Warner Brothers, is ran by chief creative officer and famous comic book illustrator Jim Lee, who was also Bobby's cousin. Interesting.

Speaker 4 Connie Chung is his most famous character because during the show, he shit in his pantyhose.

Speaker 2 Timeout.

Speaker 2 Jim Lee is your cousin? No, I don't know. No, Jim Lee.
Wow, liar. Next slide, liar.
We see how you got the job.

Speaker 4 And of the end of Mad TV. Mad TV had a long, complicated history of Fox.

Speaker 4 And because of that, Fox reportedly decided not to renew Mad TV when production costs became too high, given the show's low ratings. 4.5 out of 10.
Ended May 16, 2009.

Speaker 4 And as a result, Mad TV never escaped the shadow of SNL.

Speaker 2 That's the funniest shit I've ever

Speaker 2 fucking.

Speaker 2 She gives the four on the IMDB rating. Yeah, yeah.
Unfortunately, never escaped the shadow on Saturday Night Live. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That was all devastating.

Speaker 2 You were there for when it mattered, baby. No, I was in the last of it.
No, the last of it was very recently. They just did a season like two years ago.
Oh, yeah, yeah. That was.

Speaker 2 You were in the heart of it. I was in the heart of it, yeah.
They did it now. They did it.

Speaker 2 With comics that we know. And I was on it.
Would you do a cameo or something? I did three episodes. Did you really? Yeah.
I didn't know that. I did one where Ike

Speaker 2 is revisiting the new Matt TV set.

Speaker 2 This was so embarrassing. And he was looking through the dressing rooms, the same dressing rooms.
And I was still living in the closet. But I was like a caveman.
That's fine. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I think I jump out of a hole. Hey, I've been here since, you know what I mean? Were the sketches good on the new show? Because we know guys on it, Adam and Amir.
Amir, yeah.

Speaker 2 No, I I thought it wasn't gonna work, but um because it's complicated. But it was still fun to do to see everyone, you know,

Speaker 2 same producers and, you know.

Speaker 2 Anyway, what a, I'm not gay, but right? So that's what we came to. You're gay.
I'm 45% bisexual. You're gay.
It was still a fun episode to do. It was a great episode.

Speaker 2 And fans will decide. And fans will decide.
Thank you. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Woof

Speaker 2 Yeah

Speaker 2 Woo