Bobby's Valentine's Ring

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Happy Valentine's Day.

Hi, Bob.

Happy Valentine's Day.

So,

I came in here,

right?

First of all,

offered you cookies.

Okay.

Rudy had them

and they were good, huh?

Yeah, but when I get

offered a cookie,

I look at the packaging first.

And when they're in a Ziploc bag.

Because they're homemade.

I didn't know that, though.

They're in a Ziploc bag.

Did I say they were from home?

Yeah.

Yeah, I did.

Okay.

I didn't hear that.

Okay.

I did not hear that.

All right.

Number two, I don't like little designs on it.

All right.

So let a cookie be a cookie.

No. It's a kissy lips because it's kissy lips time of the month.
No. Whenever I'm at a comedy club, all right, and I see a comic.
Thank you. Throw it at him.
When I see a comic dressed all fancy on stage, I don't trust it. Like dressed in a suit? When they're fancy.
I don't trust it. Sebastian Maniscalco.
Yeah? Suit. Jerry Seinfeld.
Suit. That's when they do specials.
Do you not trust them when they do specials? Only when they're not doing specials? Oh, okay. That makes sense.
All right. So I looked at the Ziploc bag.
I saw these fancy designs on the circuit. And I, you know, my first impulse was I don't trust it.
Right? But once she ate it, Julesules and said they're good

I decided to have one

Too late

And I'm going to have one

Too late

I'll show you the kind of power I have

You don't have any power

No, because they're going to get eaten by them

That's what they deserve

They deserve their cookies

And you don't get to be a spoiled brat

And boss people around to have something

Can you bring me a cookie please

Don't bring him a cookie dude

He's working right now

Give me a cookie please or I people around to have something. Andreas, can you bring me a cookie, please? Don't bring him a cookie, dude.
Don't do it. He's working right now.
Give me a cookie, please, or I will not continue. No, don't do it.
George? I will not shoot this. Dude, you're such a brat.
If you don't give me a cookie. Everyone's going to see how much of a brat you are.
I need a cookie. Thank you, Andreas.
Thank you. Give it to me, and I'll give it to him.
Give it to me. Andreas, Andreas, if I don't get a cookie in my mouth, you know.
Give it to me. Dude, give me that him.
Give it to me. Andres, if I don't get a cookie in my mouth, you know.

Give it to me.

Dude, give me that cookie.

If you give it to him, I'm not going to get a cookie.

I made them.

Give me the cookie.

He loves his parents equally.

He loves his parents equally.

Split it.

Split it.

Split it.

Split it.

No, no, no.

You know, Andres, you know that I won't do it.

You know that I will not do the podcast.

George, give me a cookie right now. Oh.
Okay. I'm not doing it.
I'm not doing the podcast. All right? There's three in there now.
All right. I'm going to eat all of this.
Good. Pour it in your mouth.
Is it smashed? It doesn't matter if they're smashed. It's easier to eat for your old teeth.
I win. Your old little brittle teeth.
Pour it down your throat right now. You like it? It's good though, isn't it? It's pretty good, yeah.
Happy Valentine's Day, Bob. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Anchor. If you haven't heard about Anchor.
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Let me explain. Oh, please.
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You can do it from your phone like on the go. Oh, my God.
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Where do we have to go, Bob?

Download the free Anchor app or go to anchor.fm to get started.

I'm excited to have Valentine's Day with literally my two favorite people on earth.

I don't want to put that in my mouth.

I don't know where that's been.

Happy Valentine's Day, baby boy. Happy Valentine's Day to you.
Just delicious cookies. Did you have any plans for Valentine's Day? It was yesterday.
Did you do anything yesterday for Valentine's Day? Yeah. Well, I did.
And I got my girlfriend a bouquet of flowers. Really? Mm-hmm.
What kind? I don't know yet because... Because we're filming this before Valentine's Day? Yeah, yeah.
I don't know yet because... Do you have anything planned for Valentine's Day? I don't know yet.
Because we're filming this before Valentine's Day?

Yeah, yeah.

I don't know yet.

Do you have anything planned for Valentine's Day?

I do.

What is it?

Because you can tell us now.

Well, I was playing.

You know, I like the video game Warzone.

Yeah, you love Warzone?

And sometimes I play with randoms.

What do you mean?

Like completely?

No, you play with people that you're semi-familiar with.

People I've never met in the flesh, though.

Right, but they become friends because of online. Yeah, people that you're semi-familiar with.
People I've never met in the flesh, though.

Right, but they become friends because of online.

Yeah, so when you're in a war with somebody, I assume it's like that in the Vietnam War.

Probably pretty similar, yeah.

If you were in a platoon with somebody, you know.

All the guys from Vietnam were sitting in their boxers.

Like when we remember Forrest.

Yeah, that guy.

Bubba.

Remember his legs were blown off?

Yeah. And Forrest Gump.
I forgot his voice. I'll try it.
Forrest Gump or Bubba? Yeah, I'll try toba. Bubba.
Remember his legs were blown off? Yeah.

And Forrest Gump.

I forgot his voice.

I'll try it.

Forrest Gump or Bubba?

Yeah, I'll try to do Forrest Gump.

Wait, wait.

How did he sound?

No, Forrest was like, life is like a box of chocolate. Life is like a box of chocolate.

There you go.

That's as close as you're going to get.

Yeah.

So he said Bubba.

No, I'm doing that. I know, but when you're doing that with your lips It automatically goes boba like that Stop doing that with your lips Alright, go ahead Boba, boba And he's running He ran like 20 miles Grabbed him And it was just a carcass Well, he was carrying him out of the carcass So anyway, back back to Warzone, about Valentine's Day.
All right. So I play with randoms, and we go into war.
And there's this one guy named, I don't know his last name, but his name is Alex. Very specific.
Yeah, and he's under, actually, in my phone. It's okay.
It says Alex Warzone. Cool.
yeah and um he does uh if i text him something he

immediately does it for me another slave yeah and so i go today we got rid of slavery in this country a long time ago by the way yeah yeah and um i didn't vote on that to get rid of it so i'm still you know me well you were around back then i know i was yeah that's rude because of my age Mm-hmm.

Okay.

So I text Alex, I need bouquet of flowers.

He's always, what kind?

This man. then i know i was yeah that's rude because of my age okay um so i i text um alex i need bokeh flowers he's always what kind this man lives in los angeles yeah yeah okay i know where he lives i don't know what he looks like i don't know where he lives i don't know what it looks like i have not if i saw him at a rave right what are you doing what are you doing at a rave i dancing oh right i dancing yeah right so i have the glow sticks Alex, you know what I mean, glow sticks next to me, I was like, what's your name? And he'd be like, dude, it's me, Alex.
And I would have to go specific. You got to go.
Get more specific. He goes, warza.
And then I'd be like, oh. Thanks for all the little things.
So he's going to get me. He's gotten me face washed before.
Okay. You just said give me Face Wash? Yeah, I texted him Face Wash.

Does he have your home address?

Oh, yeah.

That's a bad idea.

No, because he's friends with other friends.

Other people that you know online, Bobby, these aren't real friends.

You don't actually know these people.

No, he's friends with people I've met in the flesh.

Are you saying that to say that?

No.

My friend Gilbert takes Kung Fu classes with Alex.

And I also play with Nick, the master Kung Fu guy.

Okay, so these people are real. He's a part of a dojo.
Still knows where you live, Mike. Anyway, so if I tell him, get me face wash, he'll deliver it to me.
So he got you face wash, and then what? He's going to get you a bouquet? I don't know. I'll get you the bouquet.
Why don't you ask for more stuff? Does he ask for money ever?

Oh, I have to give money.

So how do you deliver him the money?

Venmo?

Venmo, yeah.

So let's ask for a lot of stuff and then just be like,

I can't Venmo you anymore

because Collider will know.

I need guys like this.

Because I don't go to the group.

You could just get an assistant.

I could do that.

No, she's not.

She barely likes me at this one.

That's not true.

You'd be a good assistant,

wouldn't you?

I think so. She's just woke up from a me in this one.
That's not true. You'd be a good assistant, wouldn't you? I think so.

She's just woke up from a nap, so don't even...

Talk about not being able to sell yourself at all.

Is this a job interview?

I know.

Yeah.

So are you interested in the job?

Do you really want this job at Home Depot?

I think so.

I'm going to interview you right now for the position of Bobby's assistant, okay?

Yeah, yeah.

Let's see if you're...

Okay.

Hi, thanks for coming in. I appreciate you coming in.
You are a little bit late. Is there a reason for your tardiness? It was traffic.
I'm sorry. Traffic, you should plan for that because Bobby also is someone that needs to be kept on schedule.
So if you're late, he's going to be late. You're in the room during the interview? No, I'm a different – can I be a different guy? Yeah.
I'll interview you afterwards.

No, no, no.

I want to be your assistant.

Oh, you're with me.

Yeah, I'm with you.

Okay, so let me introduce my assistant before I go any further.

My name is Jermaine.

That's Jermaine.

Hi, Jermaine.

Nice to meet you.

So tell us,

do you have qualifications

on being a personal assistant in any way?

I have a bachelor degree. Oh, you have a from what from what's college? Long Beach.
Oh, Long Beach State. Yeah, that's state.
Yeah, that's good. What's a bachelor degree? What is it? Science, medicine.
Oh, why do you want to be a personal assistant? Yeah, I just want to have more experience. Have you heard of the glorious, magnificent Bobby Lee? Oh, did you know this man? Yes, I heard of him.
Are you a fan of his? Yes. In what capacity? What have you seen him in? I've seen him in...
You know that he was on a show for eight years. Yes.
What's the? I'm blanking Get out of my office You're fired Wait, you don't fucking know the show No, I know I'm just blanking She forgets so much Why do you forget so much? She just woke up I think that's what it is Why are you taking a nap so late in the day? Because I had school and I need to... She's in high school.
She has to get up at six in the morning. I know, bro.
But most of us from high school, I remember, I would nap in the afternoon. Yeah, I told her to do that.
And then I'd be up all night long. Yeah, I told her to do that.
That's what everybody does. Yeah.
In fact, when I used to get home from high school, the Victoria Secret would come in the mail. And I would steal it and I would go into my room.
Your mom's? The magazine. Yeah.
The Victoria's Secret. I go now.
Your mom's? Well, it's not my dad's. Could be.
It was my dad's. Okay.
We were an open family. Yeah.
I would steal it. I'd go upstairs and I would jerk off and I'd fall asleep.
And then my mom, at one point, I would falling asleep every single day. Why are these pages so stuck together? Would you say that? No, no.
I'd throw it away. She never get it.
She never got them. It never existed.
She probably signed up for it and just never knew it. It didn't, it just never came for her.
I subscribed to, I did, I came, but it never came for her. And so she would literally come in the room, wake me up and be like, why are you so tired? Yeah.
Are you on drugs? That's what she'd say. Are you on drugs? And now I was on drugs.
What drugs did you do in high school?

Mostly weed.

I mostly smoked weed.

And then I didn't.

You don't smoke weed now that much though.

Not as much as I used to now.

You know why?

Why?

Because I'm so tired already that if I smoke weed, I can't even enjoy the weed.

Right.

I get exhausted when I smoke weed.

Right.

And she would say, you're on drugs.

And I would say, no, but I was, but I was just tired from basketball and from high school so and i had come come all over my tongue did you get straight a's no i was a bad high schooler what was it what was your grade point average

b's and c's i don't know what my gpa was b's and c's but in college i did well

i had the third worst gpa in my high school uh you know who had the first the worst one

tom de long he had died my sophomore year tom de long died no no what

Then we'll see you next time. worst GPA in my high school.
You know who had the worst one? Tom DeLonge. He had died my sophomore year.
Tom DeLonge died? No, no, no. What? The guy that had the worst? Yes.
He died your sophomore year and he had the worst? He had the worst. What was his name? I forgot his name, but my senior year, that's the reason why he was last.
Oh, wow, they replaced... What was your GPA? Like 0.7.
Can you get an 0.7?

You never got one passing grade?

No.

Never?

Uh-uh.

Wow.

But it's not because you're stupid.

It's a lack of effort.

Yeah, the Asians in my school were so angry at me.

You were disappointing to them.

Yeah, they would look at me like, they would come into class.

You know, Asians, they love classes. How exciting.
When she goes to school, no. Asians love it.
They have their notebooks, they have their calculators and their abacus and everything. They use real quick, the abacus, right? 46.
When they used to see me, they just go, you would disappoint the community? Yeah. You never went back for a high school reunion? They never invited me.
That's so sad. Can we find out when it is and have you go this year? I would love, I mean, I did get, so, this is interesting.
Let's do like a Romy and Michelle's high school reunion, but me and you go back to your high school. I would love to go.
That would be so fucking fun to film. We'd do a live podcast there.
Oh my God. That would be fun.
We should do that, dude. Yeah.
But I got a text yesterday from a lady by the name of Megan Lee. Yeah.
I don't know who that is. I'm going to tell you.
Oh, okay. I thought you said it as if it's someone I know.
No, I'm going to fucking tell you. I'm ready.
God. Yeah.
So I used to work at a restaurant. Did you know that? In San Diego, yeah.
We told the story, yeah. And yeah, so she owns a restaurant.
And she texted me, and I'm going to do – she goes, I'm doing a 30-year reunion for my original waitstaff, which was me. So the restaurant opened, and you were one of the first? Yeah.
Oh, wow. Yeah.
And then I got fired because I spilled red wine on the lawyer perfect the lawyer of megan lee he came in with his wife and i had chart not red chardonnay um i had um merlot right yeah is merlot red uh yes yes i'm just the vision is in my head of you spilling wine i had a ponytail to remember right long ponytail and you know the cork yeah't get it. Like, you know how you stick the thing in and it starts crumbling? You fuck it up? Yeah, you fucked it up.
Right. So then I was digging.
Yeah. You know how you take the cork and you start digging? I don't do that, but right.
Yeah, yeah. You did.
I didn't twist. No, you just – Yeah, I dug.
You're trying to just mole man out of cork? So I'm now trying to mole it out, right? Yeah. And then I finally got some of it out went like this, and it sprayed all over his white shirt.
Oh, my God. Yeah.
I'm so sorry. You know what I mean? And then I'm busing for the next six months.
And then she finally wants you back in her realm. I came back.
So what's the deal, though? 30-year reunion. And I said, I'll be there.
And she goes, you bet your bottom dollar. You know how white people just say that? Yeah, you bet your bottom dollar.
You bet your bottom dollar you will. Yeah.
I go, fuck yeah, man. I don't know what that means.
Are you really going to go? I want to. That's a no.
No, I want to. I'll tell you why.
Because she was the one that was like, I remember going, hey, I have a show tomorrow night. Can I leave early? Can I not even come? Oh.
And she would be like, it's your dream, so go ahead. That's so nice.
Yeah, so she was like really cool. Why'd you say white if her name is Amy Lee? Megan Lee.
Megan Lee. She's white.
Look, Robert E. Lee was white.
He was? Yeah, man. A Confederate general? He was a Confederate general, right? That's the good side or the bad side.
I don't remember. I think it was the bad.
But confederates I thought were the good guys. No, the confederates were bad.
Stars and stripes and stripes, pal. No.
He was white. There's no Asian guy that's a confederate fucking guy.
How funny if there was one confederate Asian. I would love to be that guy.
They're like, what do we love? He's like, slavery. Dude, a Confederate Asian would be...
Oh, my God. An Asian Confederate, that's the movie we should write for you? Yeah.
Is the only Asian Confederate? Yeah. Holy fuck, how funny.
What's the name of this guy, this Asian Confederate soldier? Robert E. Lee.
Oh, Robert E. Lee.
Yeah, yeah. The real story.
The real story. The real Robert E.
Lee. Well, yeah, that would never happen.
Because no one would even, I'm not going to fucking follow your order, chink. Pick it a cotton faster.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
That's a movie I would love to go watch. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's just confused. Yeah.
He doesn't really know. He doesn't know.
He's stuck in a weird, he was born and raised there. Yeah.
No, he can't. He has the accent.
No, he was born. The mom popped and then they disappeared.
Parents left him. You have to take care of him.
What if they. What if.
Right. What if this happened? Right.
He comes from China. Right.
So, you know, I always assumed like when Chinese people back in the day. Right.
Came here. They gave him options.
Oh, right. So, listen here, man.
China boy. Laundromat? Opium den.
Opium den. Railroads.
Railroads. Or.
You mean confederate? You know what I mean? Confederate soldier. So what you want to do? Yeah, yeah.
And he's like, what is, what is, what is Confederate soldier? You love America? What do they involve? Do you love America? I love it. You're perfect for the job.
Wow. We got ourselves Wang Lee over here.
Robert E. Lee.
Yeah, yeah. Robert E.
Lee, the story of the only Asian Confederate soldier would be a fucking smash online. Yeah, it would ruin my career.
Honestly? Yeah, yeah. But at what point could comedians make a movie that's so over the top like that? Yeah.
That you might be able to – it might be okay because it's absurd. If you're making fun of the Confederacy.
It's so funny to even talking about this because this type of comedy, these bits, right? Yeah. 10, 15 years ago, it's a no brainer.
So, yeah, everyone's in. It's a no brainer.
Now people are like, yeah, but now, you can't say that. Even by doing, because we're playing characters and we're doing a bit, we're making fun of the thing.
I know, but when we're doing it though, right? There's this thing that comes up in my mind. Yeah.
Of an editor. I have an editor in my mind.
Yeah, somebody going, and it's going, cut, yeah cut yeah yeah cut yeah stop yeah but some of it look if we can't make fun of those ridiculous scenarios come on you know did rudy like it she doesn't get it yes no she does she's smarter than you give her credit for but by the way your grateful dead presentation last week was a hit smash you know how many deadheads are on your jock now? People think you are People think you're part of the clique What are you going to do for Valentine's? I have a big thing planned at the house Like what? I hired a pony to come to the house and be in the backyard Because my dog loves ponies And I have a pony to come to the house to play with the dog. Honestly? Yes.
I've never even seen a pony. What do they look like? They're tiny little horses.
They're tiny little horses. And I paid.
It was quite expensive, to be honest with you. It was $1,000 an hour.
Who rides it? Like Brad Williams? I was hoping to see Brad Williams ride one. We should buy him a pony.
Yeah. He has one.
Have you seen his dog? His dog goes up to his head. He's a huge big dog.
He could ride that. He has.
I've seen him get on it. Oh, really? Yeah.
Are you being real? I swear to God of my life, he can get on the back of his dog. I would think that a little person could ride like- A Great Dane.
A Great Dane or even a maybe even a Rottweiler yeah

yeah

but they're so

aggressive

yeah

it'd be more like a bull

what about the Beethoven

what dog is that

a St. Bernard

is that what that is

yeah

that's what they could ride in

because they're sweet and cuddly

yeah

I think I would ride

I wish I was small

in that way

you are relatively

right

you're not a big guy

but I've

what are you saying

you're 5'4

5'

what

you're 5'4

how tall are you

5'4

yeah you're 5'4

yeah how tall are you

Thank you. But you think that? Every time I see you.
Wow. I go, Mike Judge.
Mike Judge made that. Where do I come to your chest in terms of – do I come to your shoulder? Genuinely? Yeah.
You're right at here length. So I can't imagine walking into a room and working with a guy that small.
Right. Let's have one.
Do you want to get a guy in here that is that small? We should get another person in here who's tinier than all of us. Yeah.
I guess because I've been this size for so long that you just get used to it. When did you peak? High school and then you hit your – that's how tall you were always going to be? I was 17 and then it stopped.
Really? Yeah. It's weird because you know you're not going to get that big as an Asian man.
Right?

You know you're not going to.

Well, that's not true.

Yes, it is.

The ones that – like Yao Ming and those guys, they were made in a lab.

Asians – there's never been – in the history of Asians, there hasn't been one over six feet tall organically.

As soon as Asians were introduced to Western diets, it grew exponentially.

Still, though, you haven't – under six feet still. No.
If I go to Korea, they look down on me and go, oh, you're some more. You know what I mean? Really? Oh, yeah.
You're tiny to them. Yeah.
And they bump me. Are Koreans.
If I'm walking down the street, they literally, they'll check on me. Are they the most aggressive of the Asians? No, the Japanese were the most aggressive.
See, they See, but publicly they seem the most pensive and polite.

Once you throw a nuclear bomb

on somebody, it tames them.

Yeah, sit down.

Because they were aggressive. Sit down! That's what we said.

I know. They were aggressive,

right? Up until then. Oh my god, they took

over the Philippines, they took over Korea, they took everywhere.

Right.

And Emperor Hiroyito, he thought he was a sun god.

Why couldn't he be though?

Because I don't know.

What is a sun god?

Obviously, God spoke to him and told him he was special.

No, but he thinks – they thought he was a god.

Probably.

No.

You don't think so?

No, because a god – actual god, if you throw two nuclear bombs, he'd be like, oh,

no big deal. Yeah? That's a a nothing that's like a mosquito bite you know what I mean but he was like oh we're sorry he's panicked do you think gods walk amongst us like do you think we have gods that walk amongst us on earth like how about this I'll give you a better do you think? No.
No? You think there's only one god? Well, I don't know. I think I've heard things about Gandhi later in life.
Like he doesn't tip. I don't know.
Something like that. No, be real.
No, be real. There was like some rumor about him.
They caught him cheating at Batgammon one time in 1982. Yeah, yeah.
He was at Commerce Casino.

Bad Friends has been imperative to my well-being.

Imperative, Bobby, it's

really important, like critical.

Congratulations on your anniversary. You guys

make me laugh and you guys just brighten up

my day. So I love all of you

and

Fancy B.

They show me so much to me because I

actually met my best friend during March

Thank you. So I love all of you and Fancy B.
They showed me so much to me because I actually met my best friend during March of 2020 because of Bad Friends. And you guys have been very special.
You guys helped me get through a very, very hard time. And you know, I know it's not a one-man team.
Shout out Fancy B. Shout out Rudy.
Shout out George. I love you guys.
Bad Friends has been the best thing that has happened this year. It's the reason I haven't killed myself this year.
This is what bad friends has meant to me in the past year. It's like putting this weird fork thing in my head.
Is it stupid? Yeah. But is it fun to watch? Oh, absolutely.
You know my story with Deepak Chopra, have I told you? No. I've never told you about my Deepak Chopra.
No, you have an interaction with Chopra? There is a little bit of an interaction. Not fully, I've never met the man.
Sure. But my life has kind of, for a second, revolved around it.
What happened? So, you know who Jason Galern is? The comedian. Yeah.
Yeah, of course. So I used to walk around the commons store with boils on my face.
What? What do you mean? Pimples? They were just bigger than pimples. Like these – my mom gets on her head.
I used to get them on my face. You have to get lasered off or whatever? No, I would do a home remedy What was your remedy? Which would fuck my face up even more What was the remedy? I didn't know what to do because I had no money, right? When I was a young comic So, and I would get these gigantic boils So what I would do is I would go and buy Go to 7-Eleven Uh-uh Yes Yeah And I would buy ice cubes Yeah Right? So I'd take a bag of ice cubes, right? And I'd go to the bathtub in my little apartment in Silver Lake.
Yeah. Right? And I would take hot water and pour, like, you know, like the faucets here.
And I'd put my face over it and it would steam it. Right? And then I would take ice cubes and then freeze it.
Oh, my God. And I would do that repetitively.
And eventually what happens, a white head would form. And then you'd pop it.
And I would pop it. It would just be Niagara Falls.
It would spray out on my face. So I was getting these boils on my face and I used to hang out at the store like that.
Just boil face bob. Boil face.
Yeah. BFB.
And one time Jason Galern goes, man, you look like shit. And he's not a male model.

I know.

I mean, you look like you're stressed out.

Yeah.

I go, yeah, I can't get anything going, man. I can't get an agent.

I'm stressed out.

I have no money.

I don't have a future.

Pre-Mad TV.

Yeah, before.

He goes, two words for you, bud.

I go, what?

He goes, Deepak Chopra. What? Yeah.
Deepak Chopra is all he said. Yeah.
I go, what is that? I thought it was a food. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Sounds like that. Like, I don't have the money, you know what I mean, to go to that restaurant or whatever.
And so he goes, yeah, at that time at the Rolling Stone magazines, he wasn't on the cover, but there was an article about him. In Rolling Stones.
Yeah, so go buy the Rolling Stones and read this article. Right.
Right? So I go to the 7-Eleven. I think I steal one.
That sounds about right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I read the article. And I go, I can't get any of these books.
I have no money, right? So a miracle happened. I'm not kidding you.
Okay, what? So I prayed about it that week. So then that weekend – You prayed to God, get me – Yeah, get me – Deepak Chopra's books.
Books, right. So then that weekend I was – You know how if you lived in Hollywood and you were a doorman back then, you could open sometimes on the weekends in a Hoya.
Right. So I was hosting for Tamayo Atsuki.
Nope. Yeah, you don't know her? No.
Please don't do that. She eats cats.
Oh. Friend of the pod.
Yeah. Is she alive still? I have this.
So Tomayo Atsuki. Is she alive? Yeah.
Shout her out then. Tomayo, hope you're good.
Hope the feline feast is good. Tomayo Atsuki used to date Sam Kinison.
Oh, that makes sense. The cat eating thing.
Yeah, and she used to wear a kimono on stage. She was like, you know, in terms of Asians, like one of the first Asian female comics, way before Margaret.
Yeah, well, this has to be. Have you seen photos of her at the store, like in the yearbook and stuff? I've seen those photos.
I thought that was... And she has a neon light in the OR.
Oh, she does. Yeah, so this is Tumaya Tsuki, right? So she was on a sitcom.
Which one? I forgot what it was called. It was canceled right away, but she used to date Sam Kinison.
Yeah. And then she went crazy, and then she started living in the jungles of Hawaii.
Oh, cool. Right? And then one time, years later, I don't know how long, I saw her, and she looked like – she didn't look good.
Like she was dying. Like she looked homeless.
Like the cats had caught up to her. No, and she goes, I live in Hawaii now.
I go, really? That's nice. No, I live in the jungle.
I'm not kidding you. So I go, you live in the jungle? Yeah, and she showed me a photo.
I eat cat. Right? Yeah.
I don't know if she was being real or not. No, she's being real.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's being real.
And you could see a hut that she had made in the middle of the jungle, right? And she had some sort of like makeshift rock table that she had made. Yeah.
And there was like sliced up little meats. I eat the cat, right? And I go, you want to go up? You know what I mean? So I was opening for Tamayo.
Yeah. So after, right? So I'm on stage.
I'm on stage and I look down and there's this white chick in the front row. Yeah.
And she's just like, look at me like this, right? Like she's going to kill you. And I, no, I knew her.
Oh. But I couldn't like really remember how.
Because, you know, I grew up in San Diego, right? Yes. Then I look, I go, Katie? And it was a girl that I used to work with named Katie.
Okay. So after the show, I go, what are you doing? And I have boils on my face.
She's like, you look like shit. And she goes, I work, I'm Deepak Chopra's assistant.
Shut the fuck up. Really? So I go.
Did you almost start crying? I would have started crying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was like, something was happening something was happening yeah right so i was getting like goosebumps of course the whole thing right of course and i go um he lives here she goes yeah come on by tomorrow it was like right down the street the deepak chopra is no longer there right but there used to be a deepak chopra learning-huh. Right? Uh-huh.
So the next day I go over there and she just handed me a bunch of books. Just take it.
Shut up. Right? So I take it.
So this is really – and people are going to make fun of me for this, but – No, they won't. I started reading it.
Reading the books you were given? Yeah. That math adds up.
Shut the fuck up. Fuck you.
So I started reading them. Yeah.
Right. And I started applying them in my life.
Like really putting them to practice. I'm not kidding you.
Give me an example. So like in the six, seven spiritual laws of success.
Yeah. Right.
One of the laws was, you know, in order to achieve success, you have to help other people achieve success.

Correct.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Okay.

Give to get.

Right.

So what I would do is I would set up showcases

because I had a year with Mitzi.

Right.

So I would get people,

like I brought Brody to the comedy store.

I helped Kevin Christie become a stand-up.

Wow.

And that was all during that time period

of getting them in, you know what I mean,

in front of Mitzi or getting them a doorman job. So you were helping people a lot.
I was doing everything I can to help people. And I'm not kidding you.
Yeah. In three months, my whole life changed.
Now, have you continued to put those things in practice? Stopped. Right.
I stopped. That's good.
Yeah, yeah. I'm done.
I'm done with that. Because once I got in, I'm like – once you get in the water – You're in.

You're swimming.

I'm on the surf, but now I can ride the waves.

Yeah, now you're riding.

So I had to get in the water.

But wait until that tsunami comes.

Right, and I'm going to – yeah, yeah.

You're going to kill everyone.

Bye, Andrew.

Bye, everybody.

Yeah, yeah, it'll be gone.

But so then –

So the boils stopped at what point?

Right then and there too.

When you started helping people, the boils went away.

Because – What are you laughing at the boils for? That's mean. Because the three- I'm going to curse you with boils.
Boily, squirly, squirly, roily. So I'll tell you the things that happened.
Put boils on you. As soon as I started applying all this stuff, within like a three to six month period, right? Yeah.
I got- So I auditioned. So I took a bus, right? I'm not kidding you.
I know. So I took – I had no money.
I took a bus to an IBM commercial audition. The one with – No.
Oh. There was this one where I was a space astronaut, right, with this guy named Eric Kirchberger from New York.
Okay. And so I audition, then I get a call back,

take another bus,

and then I get it,

and my manager, you know Abby?

Yeah.

She calls me, she goes,

you got it,

and I go, oh cool.

So I thought,

how much do you think a commercial is?

Well, I know,

you should ask her,

because I'm very aware of a commercial.

Well, yeah,

so how much do you think though?

Back then?

Yeah, in the 90s.

In the 90s, was it buyouts? No, it was a national campaign. Right.
And you got residuals. It was a national campaign.
$100,000. No.
What was it? I got $350,000. Wow.
For one day of work. Wow.
Because it was, but you didn't get residuals, right? It was a buyout. No, it was a buyout.
Right. So I did six of them in one day.
Right? So you did six times 350 grand? No. I just got it all at one.
But dude, going from no money. I know.
Going from boils on the face, stressed out. Yeah.
Right? And then a couple of – so Ross Mark – Ross and Bob – I forgot their names. Bob Ross? The painter? No.
Ross Mark and Bob – something or – right. They were bookers for The Tonight Show.
Oh. Right.
And one day I was working the back door. This is after the commercial.
I was still working at the store. Yeah.
But I was gloating. You were bragging a little bit.
A lot. Got 350 grand.
Yeah, I had gotten a car. Now you're buying cigarettes that are pre-rolled.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And they came up to me and they go, we work for The Tonight Show.

We want you to audition for The Tonight Show.

Just from the commercial?

No, they were just seeing me around town.

Maybe my great deeds was, right?

Your good deeds was paying off.

I thought it was paying off.

And then, so I'm working on that.

And then Abby called me and goes, we auditioned for, it was called Mad TV. The show I was on for eight fucking years.
I remember now. You fucking memorize that? Yeah.
What's it called? Mad TV. What is it called? Right.
So then I got, then I got mad after that. Wow.
And then, so it all kind of happened. So commercial, Tonight Show Mad.
Yeah. Yeah.
You had more money in your pocket than you've ever had in your entire life.

Yeah.

I remember moving out of the place I was and got a new place.

The first thing you bought?

Was a car.

Second thing you bought?

Well, then I told you about the GTI thing that happened.

You got a GTI?

So what happened was, this is how dumb I am.

This is how dumb I am.

So you know who Aaron Cater is?

Of course. Comic, yeah.
Yeah. So I go, I got this money But I want to get a car He goes, cash He's telling you to buy a car all cash Yeah, right I go, how much? If a car is like $23,000, right? If you have $20,000 in cash, right? You could just get it Correct Right, so I go, alright, let do it.
So I go to the bank. I get cash.
You got 20 grand out. Yeah.
So I go, and I get this GTI. This is going to drive you crazy, this story.
Yeah, I feel it already. Yeah.
Then like two or three weeks later, I lived in Silver Lake on Sanborn and Sunset. Yeah, I know what it is.
Right, right. Oh, yeah.
And it just wasn't there anymore.

The car? Yeah.

One day disappeared. It just was not there

anymore. And what do you think happened to it? I don't know.

Let's take a guess.

It got

impounded? It got stolen, probably, right?

I don't know what happened, but I

thought that once

a car is gone,

you just got to go get another one so i went back to era i go i gotta get another one it's not a piece of gum it's like well this one's done i gotta just grab a new one years later i found out you can call you know i mean the cops yeah i didn't do any of that. Insurance? It was gone.
So you went and bought another car. Yes.
What was the second one? GTA? You bought the same car. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you just got 20 grand out, 20 grand again. Yeah, yeah.
And no one questioned you because they thought maybe Bobby's on a roll. I didn't know, yeah.
Damn, Bobby, that's so dumb. So you pissed away that 350K fast.
Oh, it was gone. Fast.
Yeah. Is that the fastest? I would go so this is so i don't know why i'm getting so um sentimental but i like it yeah you do well it's valentine's day sweet so so um tell me more i'll tell you more so it got to the point where i had to go to arish because and then arish shafir right the jewish guy the tall yeah so arish shafir started getting commercials And I was running out of money.
Yeah. So I went to Ari.
I had no money again because I burned through everything, right? You blew $350. Yeah.
And I went up to – and this is still – I'm on Matt TV. But when I was on – they didn't pay you a lot.
Can I take a guess? What? It was an episodic rate, right? You were getting paid per episode? No. I still had a deal, but it was like the lowest you could get.
It was like something like $4,500 a week. Oh, it was a weekly thing.
Oh, right, right, right. They don't pay – that's right.
They don't pay you episodes over there, right. Yeah, yeah.
So it was just like – and then with taxes and giving – Managers and agents and lawyers. It really wasn't much, right? So I remember going up to Ari and going, give me 30 grand.
Give me 30 grand. Yeah he gave you 30k but didn't say I want it back yeah he did but I didn't pay him for years and then every week I would have to avoid him almost so when he beat the shit out of me yeah what a night people think it's because of the Natasha and all that kind of stuff It's the 30 grand Deep down inside, I think Because I remember once he beat the shit out of me the first time I went to the bank because I had the money then And I gave him the money back So it was about the money Yeah But then he beat me up two more times so I don't think so But that's just the racism.
It's because he's racist. Yeah.
That's wild to think that it was about the money, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I never knew that detail. Hey, guys.
My name's Tyler. I'm enough years old, and I'm from Newfoundland.
I love the Bad Friends podcast. Bad Friends really changed my life.
I appreciate you guys a lot. Kickstarting every week off with Bad Friends has been great.
I really appreciate everything that you guys have done to keep us all entertained during the fucking apocalypse. You guys really put a smile on my face.
You can put a smile on my face on everyone else. You guys mean so much to me.
I love you guys so much. You guys bring it with the realness.
You bring it with the honesty and you bring it with the jokes. Congratulations on making it to the one-year anniversary of Bad Friends.
You guys are fucking hilarious. You guys are the best podcasts out there.
You guys are hilarious. All you guys from Andrew, Bobby, Jules, Andreas.
Not George. Fuck George.
Don't you think, by the way, saying what you said if we're going to get serious about Deepak Chopra, don't you think you should start doing super nice things for for other people again and that will increase your luck or no well that's why you're my friend you know alex the war zone guy you're helping him out by making him get you because i don't give him you know it's like you know he does things for me and you pay him for them i pay him for him but i pay him good that's not like a good deed that's just like you employing somebody and overpaying them a good deed deed would be like giving fancy B some time off.

See?

He laughs because he needs it so bad.

This is him and it can be,

I could really use that time off.

But Georgie boy,

Georgie boy is having a baby.

And we're going to give him some time off.

Are we though?

Yeah.

Do we do paid paternity leave and all that stuff?

No, we don't do that.

So he doesn't get paid.

You're not here, you don't get paid.

Did you hear that? But good luck with the baby. right by the way if you bring that baby in here oh you know you're gonna want to i want to see it i want to see the baby yeah i want to kiss the baby um will you bring the baby to the show yeah can we put it right between us but speaking of valentine's day um you know i i ordered a ring shut up you know, I ordered a ring.

Shut up.

You did?

You seriously ordered a ring?

Well, I'm talking to a guy.

You're going to do it. I don't know what I'm going to do.

Is he full of shit?

I think he will.

Are you being serious?

Yeah.

I don't know how it works.

I don't know what to say.

I'm going to say yes.

I'm going to say yes. I'm going to never ask you.
What do you mean? I would never marry you. What is the ring for? It's for my significant other.
Oh. You know, it's so funny that you say that.
Oh, that's cool. No, that's funny.
It's a funny bit. Well, then let me fucking have it.
All right, but I had a show idea a long time ago. I think that you and I could do it.
What is it? It's called – I think it was called Cuffed or something. You know what I mean? Okay.
And basically it's a reality show. Okay.
You take two guys with polar personalities. Yeah, you handcuff them, and they just have to live with each other for like a month.
I would rather – I know, but I'm just saying. Me and you together? Yeah, and you film 24-7.
I go to the grocery store with you. We never take it off.
We take showers together, right? Do we jerk each other off? I don't know. Maybe there's a thing.
I got to jerk off, right? No, we have to. You have to cover the blanket.
We have to jerk each other off. No, no, no.
I would never jerk you off. Come on, cross arms.
Yeah. But are you right-handed? I'm ambidextrous.
I learned because when I broke my arm, I learned how to go with my left. Sometimes I throw it in there just when I'm feeling fun.
Yeah, me too. I do that.
But I think that that would be a good show. Cuffed? Me and you cuffed? Yeah.
I mean, it's scary. Yeah.
It would probably end this show. You think so? Yeah.
Yeah. We would be like, this is a fun segment.
And then we would do it. I wouldn't be able to even sleep.
Would you be able to even sleep? No. Would you be next to you? But also, you'd be up all night.
I mean, like, what's your schedule? when are you when are you really going to obviously i wouldn't be able to play war zone at four in the morning with me cuffed to you or maybe i could i think i could well it'd be me i'd be one my one arm like this but then i would then i would have to do stuff that you'd want to do like golf oh my god you'd be taking you golfing you know how bad the fans want to see you go golfing with me yeah but you i was handcuffed too well you'd be obviously

on what my one my my left arm that i need my one dominant arm right so let's say we're hooked here

so i would have to go around you around this and we do it and do it together yeah yeah i would do

it yeah actually if we did a cuffed pitch i would do it we should pitch it to netflix and be like

we're willing to do this yeah but i was thinking about doing it where you could do it as a series where other people could do it too. Maybe it could be – Like we're cuffed season one.
Or you could do it maybe – because I think that doing 13 episodes constantly – eventually I would just be dead or vice versa. Yeah.
You would kill each other. I would kill you first.
Yeah, you'd probably kill me. You'd be dragging around this Asian dead guy.
Yeah, just dragging this little dead fat Asian guy, yeah. I like Cuffed.
It's a good idea. It's almost like, what's that show, Wife Swap? It's like that, where you take two people that should not be living in the same quarters all the time.
But what would your wife do if you and I are cuffed? I mean, they'd have to be cuffed together too. That would be great.
That would be fun. And then who do we cuff to? Rudy? Yeah, yeah.
Who do we cuff to Rudy? Yeah, Rudy, we cuff her to... Fancy B.
Fancy B. How great would that be? They would get along so well.
Oh, yeah. Just two dorks hanging out all the time.
We'd build things together. Yeah.
We're playing a gazebo. Like.
We found a cure for HIV. Yeah, yeah.
Rudy and I have been working diligently on getting cellulized to the moon. So you have a pony coming Sunday? Pony coming on Sunday that's for the dog.
And I've also ordered some of the best meats. And I'm going to cook filet mignon with a mushroom and truffle butter sauce.
Do you really know how to make those things? 100%. That's unbelievable.
You come over to the house, man. I watch on a food network.
I can cook almost anything at this point. How did Valentine's start? What's the origin of Valentine's Day? You don't really know? I really don't.
St. Valentino? You don't know him? No.
St. Valentino was an Italian explorer.
Obviously. Why? He could have been.
Valentino. Okay.
You got it. Okay.
He was an Italian explorer. This is actually a true story.
This is a true story. Let me finish.
But can I just say this? No, because I have to finish. Okay, go ahead.
Tell me what you're going to say. I'm just saying, please be honest, because if it's a joke, then I'm going to have to Google it later.
I'm going to Google it anyway, no matter what you say. Yeah.
All right. Go ahead.
I'll just – Valentino. Okay.
Who's his first name? Marco. Marco Valentino.
Yeah, dude. All right.
Okay. Stop questioning me.
So Marco Valentino, he went to the government and said, I want to go explore new lands, right? So all these boats are already heading out, right? Who's heading out of the boats that we know? Colombo. Columbus.
Magellan. Yeah.
Nostastrof. Nostastrof.
Pop, pop, pop. These guys are out there on the seas.
Valentino says, I want to go out there. And they said, Valentino, you can't.

We've already paid for these men to get out at sea.

We don't have any more room for you.

And he said, well, what if I build my own boat?

And they laughed in his face.

Right.

The government's like, Valentino, this guy's going to send you a build his own boat.

And they're dying.

Right.

He's an idiot.

He's poor.

This is a poor cobbler.

You know what a cobbler is? Yeah, dude. They make apple make apple cobbler exactly he's making apple cobbler shoes yeah apple cobbler shoes which is such a bad business it's such a bad business but he's doing it yeah it's squishy the shoes yeah and they're every time you're done in a day yeah yeah and so he's so he's a poor cobbler and he says i'm gonna make the boat out of love i swear to god they're now Not only is he stupid, he's crazy.
They're like, and he says, I'm going to make the boat out of love. I swear to God.

Not only is he stupid, he's crazy.

They're like, you're dumb and you're insane.

He says, I'm going to build the boat out of love and watch.

And I swear to God, just like your Deepak Chopra story, he would go around to people in the town and offer his heart and love and honesty and say, I want to give new land to the rest of the world and find new places.

Will you donate?

And his love that he gave to them, they would give to him. The community came together.
They built a boat, the love boat. You know the show The Love Boat? That's what it's based on.
Yep. Valentino set sail.
He found a new land, and it was called Love Island. This week on MTV's Love Island, three couples.
Let me ask you this, though. Yeah.
I believe you. Thank you.
Who's Cupid? Who's Cupid? How did Cupid get in there? Is that his name, Cupid? Cupid was actually an aborted baby. Oh, that's why they had the angel.
That's exactly right. Right.
He was aborted. It was Valentino's first aborted baby.
Valentino's first aborted baby. Right? And the arrow that he's trying to kill.

He's trying to kill Valentino for aborting him.

Yep.

You know what I mean?

Because he made his girlfriend get an abortion. Yeah.

I would have liked life, fucker.

And by the way, his aggression, because the baby is doing that.

Yeah, yeah.

It turns into a love arrow.

Shit.

Because God doesn't allow that from angels.

Fuck, man.

See?

It all makes sense. Is that close? Very close.
Great. Really? Yeah.
What's the real story? Do you have it? Here's what I'm going to say to you, Andy. Yeah.
Andrew, I'm sorry. Yeah, don't do it again.
It really, because when I talk about you at home, I call you Andy. Andy did this, or you know what I mean? Oh, we got to go see Andy, you know, like today.
Yeah. We got to go see Andy.
And it's just like, I had a cousin named Andy. Yeah, at the house.
I call you Andy. Andy did this, or, you know what I mean? Oh, we gotta go see Andy, you know, like today.

Yeah. We gotta go see Andy, and it's just like

he had a cousin named Andy. Yeah, I

know. I know your cousin named Andy.
Yeah, and, um. We promoted his

product on this show one time. That's Paul.

They're all the same. Okay.

And, um, it just, Andy

is a cuter, comical name.

You don't like when I call you Bob, though.

But that's my name. Your name

is Bobby Lee. It's a version of my name.
Alright. You can call me whatever you want.
I am. And that's why I keep doing it.
What can we call her? By the way, Rudy Tools. People don't even know why your name is Rudy.
They don't get it. Yeah.
And if you weren't sticking around, if you weren't that early on in the pod, then you're never going to know. You know what's going to drive her crazy if you call her? What? Call her Honey.
Because that's her mom's name all right honey fuck it when i call her honey at home yeah she goes it's juliana she gets angry do you get really actually upset no you love your mom because you know why as she gets older juliana you're gonna He says I'll be fat like my mom. Well, you might.

You keep stuffing your mom. Because you know why? As she gets older, Juliana...
But he says I'll be fat like my mom.

Well, you might.

You keep stuffing your face with a balloon. You think I say that? Yeah.

I say that you're getting fat

like your mom. You will be fat

like my mom. Is your mom fat?

Yeah.

How big? How fat though? Really?

She's not that fat. She's thick.
Chubby.

Chubby, but Chubby's great. But you look at photos of.
You look at photos of Honey as a young person. She was skinny.
Was she not? Yeah, she was really skinny. Right, so I'm just warning you.
Start eating the dumplings. What does she eat that makes that? What's going to make her fat, do you think? I think the ramen.
How many times a day are you eating? Breakfast and dinner. No lunch.
She's not getting fat. No, but she eats a lot of junk.
Like what? One time I walked into a room and she was eating McDonald's. What's your McDonald's order? I think we went over this last night.
Yeah. Chocolate sundae.
Chicken nuggets. Chicken nuggets and hamburger.
And a hamburger. That's good.
That's good. That's's a good She's eating a little McDonald's And you're swagging your finger at her You're going, hey, you're going to get fat Why are you worried about her weight? Because she's my daughter Yeah, but let her get fat Then you have more material Juliana I have to say that I have parental feelings towards you.

And you treat me like garbage.

No.

You don't?

I don't.

You treat me good.

Yeah, I can.

No, you don't.

I'll tell you why you don't care.

Because who does – do I do conversations with you not involved in the conversations?

Yeah. Yeah.
So I'll go like this. We'll be in the living room.
Right. Because she doesn't say anything to me.
Right? Yeah. So I'll just go yeah I'm pretty good.
Yeah this morning my back hurt a little bit and she'll just be cooking something. Like making ramen or something.
Right. And she's not saying anything and I'm just answering questions I wish she would ask me.
Right. She's sitting there just stirring a pot.
Yeah, yeah. But as I get older, I have other dreams.
And she'll just be cooking. You don't pay any mind to him? No, I say good morning to Bobby.
But you're not really engaged about his life? No. You don't care, right? No.
Right. That's honest.
Yeah, but that's what I'm saying.

Are you doing something for Valentine's Day?

No.

Has a boy on the internet asked you out for Valentine's Day?

No.

If you're lying, we'll find out.

I'm not lying.

Are guys still hitting on you on the Instagram?

Who?

Direct messages. We found out you were getting DMs.

Oh, yeah, but I don't talk to them.

You don't?

Any of them?

No.

Rudy?

Swear to God.

Yeah.

Rudy?

I promise.

Okay.

Okay.

Because she's starting school.

Now they're going in-room classes now, so I'm letting her have my car.

Wait, seriously?

They're doing in school?

Yeah, in about a month, right?

Yeah.

For how much longer?

When is school done?

In June? In June? Oh, really? Yeah. Why did I think we were earlier than that? April or May or something? What is this? What is this? Is this the real definition of Valentine's Day? From February 13th to 15th, the Romans celebrated the feast of Lupecalia.
Never mentioned that in your story. The men sacrificed a goat and a dog.
Yes, I did. And then whipped women with the hides of the animals they had just slain.
What? Whoa, we should do this. You get to hit somebody you love with a...
Zoom in closer, please, because my eyes are fucked. Zoom in closer.
There it is. From February 13th to the 15th.
From February 13th to the 15th, the Romans celebrated the feast of Lupercalia. The men sacrificed goat and a dog, then whipped women with hides of the animals they had just slain.
What the fuck? And the Roman romantics were drunk. They were naked.
Says Noel Lenski. Young women would actually line up for the men to hit them.
The women would get in line to get hit with the hides of animals. They believed this would make them fertile.
Wow. We gotta say this to chicks today.
I know. The brutal feat included matchmaking lottery, which young men drew the names of women from a jar.
The couple would then be coupled for the duration of the festival, or longer if the match was right. So you just, this is like a key party.
I would draw a fucked up name. Yeah.
Like, fuck Rosie O'Donnell. You know what I mean? Get over there.
You would get like someone hot. Yeah.
I get a supermodel. Yeah.
The ancient Romans may also be responsible for the name of the modern day of love. Emperor Claudius II executed two men, both named Valentine, after my story.
On February 14th of different years in the 3rd century AD, their martyrdom was honored by the Catholic Church with the celebration of St. Valentine's Day.
Whoa. So nothing that you said.
No, no. this is what also was happening while I was saying what I said.
Yeah, but this is the important stuff. Why would you leave off this stuff? Well, because this, well, yeah, you're right.
I wanted this to be found after I told you the original story. Yeah.
It's pretty impressive, though. Yeah.
They used to beat women with the hides of dogs. So how do you make a hide? You kill a dog first? Skin it You skin it, you dry it out Dry it, skin it Right And then you Oh It's used as like an area rug or a carpet Yeah, and then how do you You roll it up and you hit somebody with it? Yeah Roll it and smack it, baby You never heard of roll and smack I don't know about roll and smack So it was a yoga mat, but for beating women.
Yeah, it was a yoga mat. Instead of, you'd roll it up like a yoga mat, hit a woman, right? Why can't they use a stick? Sticks were just like, you know.
What do you mean sticks were? There wasn't as many trees back then. No.
The trees have come as time has gone. Or isn made from hide a switch of a whip is made from a hide leather yeah leather yeah that's the same thing whip but it takes a long time with this way you you skin the dog you already got your your you know your rolling beat yeah i you know i i are you into snm or i thought about stuff like that? Look, did we buy a harness? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. My biggest fear about all that stuff is murder.
Because what if somebody takes it too far? Yeah. Every time I see it, I'm like, what if you hit someone and hurt them and kill them? Yeah.
How do you explain that to your family? Imagine you calling Kalilah's family. We were just playing around.
We were just playing around. She was was tied up but why did she have a ball gag in her mouth and and she had so many things stuffed into her anus just that the ball gag was the size of a ping pong ball we didn't think that was going to do anything yeah yeah but all the things you put in her anus what was all that marshmallow toothpicks yes yeah also something was on fire sticking out of her m80 why would you do that i you do that? I don't know.
I like the sound of Kaboom. Could you imagine? You'd have to explain to somebody how – if S&M accidents happen, I'm sure.
You're hanging people from the ceiling. You're tying them up.
Yeah, but what's the pleasure though? The punishment is the pleasure. Like I'm tied up.
Right. Right? A woman's whipping me.
She's in leather. Shut up! Yeah.
And it hurts. Oh god yeah.
It's like ah! Right? What about the women that step on guys? They step on their balls. Oh yeah.
Guys love it. They kick them in the balls.
But I think it's because I think the guys get off on it because they like to be submissive and sometimes the women, they want this dominant I control you because men are so controlling. Or when the guy is like in a baby, like in a bib.
Feed me. Feed me.
And they're in a chain, right? And they're crawling around. Right.
You're right. It's like, and then the next thing you know, they're working at an office.
These people are in HR. Right.
These are normal accountants. They're out working, right? And at home.
Do you guys know that today is your anniversary, too?

This is our 52nd episode.

Oh, my God.

It's our one year.

One year anniversary.

Oh, my God.

Of what?

Of the pod.

There's one year of the pod.

Are you kidding me?

Wow.

You and I have been talking for that long?

For a year.

Well, we've been talking longer than that.

We've known each other significantly longer.

I know, but we never really knew each other.

We know each other as well as anybody knows each other in comedy. I know, but we never really knew each other.
We know each other

as well as anybody

knows each other in comedy.

I know,

but that's nothing.

It is,

and it's supposed to be that way.

I know.

I went to your birthday party once,

I guess,

at the bowling alley.

You did,

and I went to your birthday party.

And then we did some sketches together.

Yes, we did.

No, we did some stuff.

We did some stuff.

But in comedy,

it's hard to get really in-depth.

You know why?

Why?

You're so hungry,

hustling for your own...

This is what people don't know,

and we talk too much business sometimes.

But what people don't understand is like when you say you put in years of work, when I say

we put in years of work, they all are kind of like, yeah, whatever.

They don't understand that you're like 10 hours a night.

It's not even that though.

And 10 hours a day.

And then the four hours that you're supposed to have to yourself, you're panicking about

why you can't make money and make rent and how many other gigs you need to do to make sure it's all going to work out and who doesn't like me? Why can't I get booked to this thing? It's never ending. But when you show up to – So it's hard to make relationships.
When you're young, right? Yeah. You have to imagine that everybody wants to make it.
That's what I'm saying. Everybody will cut your throat.
Yes. To get ahead.
Yeah. Right? So you're in this environment, right? But also you have to play nice play nice.
You have to be a decent, nice human. You have to go, good set.
You did good. That was funny.
You're going to go places. But then they talk shit.
They slash you behind your back. And you have to navigate all this fucking bullshit.
Right. And then like I remember one time when Mitch Hedberg shot his first special on Common Central.
Yeah. I was there.
Were you really? Yeah, I was there. The one that he bombed? Yeah, where he bombed.
He was terrible. It was bad.
I remember how bad – and he made fun of how bad it was the whole time. Yeah, so I was there.
But I was there because I begged 10 people to even get into that place. And then I was like – you know what I mean? Just backstage.
I didn't know anybody. Right.
And nobody knew me. People would walk by.
Like Norm Macdonald, I remember who was there. I know people.
And I was just like, no one knows me. I beg to get here.
Right. And I can't mingle.
I don't know who to talk to. You just kind of stagnate.
Right. And you leave and you go home and you're like, that was worthless.
You know what I mean? And you just never know how to make it. Yeah.
How do you make it? That's why you have to fight. You have to fight the whole time.
And then years later, you just kind of realize, oh, I know what the key. The key is this.
You just don't stop. Well, you got to be talented.
No, you have to be. But there's a lot of guys.
I can tell you 10 guys right now that are super talented that haven't made it and they've been around for a long time. So what's the problem with them? It's just a look.
You've got to have a look. That has a lot to do with it.
Yeah, like you've got a look and I have a look. We do.
No, we do. We stand out.
That's my point, yeah. I think that our personalities and our comedy – We're not good looking.
I know, but our characters are kind of chiseled out. We know what we are.
Yeah, it's very obvious. It's obvious.
And so when I go in to an audition, it's like I know generally – They know what they're getting. Yeah, this is what they want, right? Yeah.
So it's like – and a lot of it has to do with timing. It's a lot of timing.
It's harder for white guys now. Is it? Yeah.
It is, isn't it? It's so hard.

They don't want us. In terms of acting, comedy, it's just hard.

You could tell by – I want to say this.

A couple of new faces ago at Montreal.

Yeah.

Right.

I remember hearing a couple of managers and agents going, it's the end of comedy because now they're choosing people to tick a box. Instead of by how funny they are.
Right. Right.
So they have to have the fat black guy. They have to have the Asian guy.
They have to have six women. They have to have – instead of going – Who's the funniest? Yeah.
Comedy merit. But what if the fat black guy and the Asianian woman all that stuff what if they are very funny they just didn't get a chance to get shown but still that's another side of the funnier white guys should get in the funnier the funniest people should get in period yeah right but that doesn't necessarily mean that um so some of those check marks won't be checked sometimes if you went through if you based it on just talent and the room- And work ethic and all that stuff, some check mark, you know what I'm saying.
I know what you're saying. Yeah.
And you also want to be probably the top Asian dog for a while. What do you mean? I shouldn't use Asian and dog in the same, but I mean you want to be the top guy for a while because you want to be, you don't want another couple of young Asians creeping up on you.
They're already there. I know, but I'm saying it's a little, it's a weird, huh? No, it's not.
Because you were kind of holding your own for a long time. I know.
And Joel Kim Booster is. No, no, no.
No, no, no. Yeah? There was a time, yeah.
No, there's some guys that are creeping up right now. No.
Some very funny Asians. I don't know what you're trying to do.
No, I'm serious. No, no, no.
No. There is a- Do you know why? Yeah.
Do you know why no? Why no? Because of the fact that I'm old. Oh, yeah.
Right? Oh, yeah. And you can't take away the things I've done.
Age. Right.
You can't take away age. Right.
Experience, I mean. Not as experience, it's just like in terms of the relationships I have.
Right. And the things that I've carved out.
And I did a lot of firsts. You know what I mean? A lot of people owe you favors.
No, that's a fact. You've cultivated a lot of relationships.
And you've let a lot of people down as far as what you've given them. But they owe you.
Have I gotten my fucking role on Magnum PI or not? I'm going to get it. Because we watched it the other night because of you.
put it on Instagram Yeah You and the washing machine Can I do your scene?

What?

Can I do your scene?

I'm gonna say this

You be Jay and I'll be you

Alright, I'm ready

Yeah

Okay

Alright, you're Jay Hernandez

I don't know what his lines were

Yeah, man, make it up like we do on the show about everything

Alright, fuck you, alright

Yeah

Hey, Jin, what are you doing?

Ooh, what's his name?

Jin

No, your name

Jin, that's why I just said it

I'm Magnum Yeah, I'm Jin Yeah, so go, hey, Jin, what are you doing? Right, okay, sorry. Hey, Jin, what are you doing? Magnum, what are you doing here? Oh, I don't know, but what are you doing in that? Laundry? Oh, my God, you're making me so angry right now.
Why? I don't know why. That's the scene.
Yeah, yeah. Laundry? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It looks like you're doing more than laundry. No.
And then does he open it? Is that what happens? Yeah, he opens it. So he opens it and then it's money.
You see it's money. Yeah, yeah.
And I go, oh no. Yeah.
And you say- It's money and you're laundering money. No, I'm not.
How about this? I fucking hate you. And then you go- Yeah.
And then you say something to the effect of- Yeah. It's a couple of side gigs.
What's a little bit of hustle? Yeah. You want to get in on it? Yeah.
It's not that big of a deal. That type of thing, yeah.
Yeah. And then he says, what? Magnum says, clean up your action.
Yeah. George and I were celebrating your anniversary, and we reached out to a lot of celebrities who are- Are you serious? Huge fans of the show.
Oh. wow.
I like that. And they just send us a few messages for you guys.
Okay. That's great.
If they're not real celebrities, I'm going to be so... Good afternoon.
This is John Cleese. I'm sure you know this because you aren't buffoons.
A life without love is simply like the moon without stars, flowers without a smell, a sky without sun, or in your case, a podcast without comedy.

Happy anniversary.

Wow.

That's an impression.

Anyone can do that.

So we're calling them out?

Are we going to call them out?

Frank Caliendo did that.

Who did that?

Who did that?

John Cleese?

That was John Cleese. Also, he didn't say our names.
Okay. Go ahead.
This is Morgan Freeman. I just want to tell you, boy, you're an addiction I never want to get over.
I hope to spend every Valentine's Day of our lives together. That's Morgan Freeman.
We got a lot of good celebrity friends. Who else hit us up? For millions of years, man has been searching for a podcast.
David Attenborough. That will fill its hearts with joy and love.
I dare say you boys have done it. Next time I'm in town, let's show each other our mating dances.
Is that you? It's David Attenborough. Okay, give me another one.
None of these are me. McConaughey here.
Hope you boys find love. That's Matthew.
Not only in people, but also in everything you do and everything around you. That actually sounds like him.
And look around you.

Yeah, I want to know who the impressionist is.

You see everything around you?

You see the walls?

Maybe there's a table.

There's some things on the table.

Just pick up something.

Hold it in your hand.

Feel it in your fingers.

Love that.

Okay.

They're not specific.

All you need is love.

Be specific.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Don't say boys.

Say Bobby, Andrew, sent you a bad friend.

You know, something like that that narrows it down.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

So is there more?

One more. Oh, wow.
We've got so many celebrity buds that love us. These are all real.
They're not. I had to call you, boys.
I mean, wow. I really had to tell you.
I want Christopher Walken to the fucking bad friends. He loves this show.
I have a fever and the only prescription is more bad friends. Can you send that to me in pill form? Or maybe a suppository? I can shove it up my ass.
Call me back. Ciao.
That's great. Is it an app? Yeah.
It's an app. I don't know.
What is that, you guys? It's not a lot of just celebrity friends. No, it's not! It's not.
Be honest with me. Who did that?

Well, George and I sent the podcast to a lot of celebrities,

and those are the five who actually watch it and liked it.

That's pretty cool that those guys actually watch the show.

Yeah.

I can't believe you don't give them credit.

Thank you.

We have a lot of messages from...

Let's play a couple of messages.

Are they real or what?

Let's play a couple of messages. Are they real or what? Let's see if they...
From fans. Are we a fan messages? Yeah.
All right, let's hear fans. What's up, Andrew? Bobby? Woody, Jules? Andradez? Andradez? Andradez? Andradez? Andradez? It's me, George.
I wanted to thank you guys for, you know, 52 weeks of bickering and banter and love. You guys literally give me the energy and inspiration to fucking plow through every day at full force like a freight train.
I'm down 60 pounds now. Hell yeah.
Oh, yeah. I'm going to do for BMI surgery.
Oh, that's awesome. Oh, my God.
You know what that is? Yeah. He stapled himself? Yeah.
I just wanted to show you guys some fucking tremendous love from Kankakee, Illinois, buddy. Kankakee! What a nice guy.
Hey, what's up, Bobby and Andrew? My name's Alex, and just wanted to give you guys a quick thank you. Obviously, with 2020 being the train wreck as it was, your podcast could not have come along at a better time.
I mean, with all the negativity and hate and everything going around. Scratching his asshole.
Really was much needed comic relief. Scratching his asshole.
That's good. So you guys and everybody on the team, Nancy B and George, work is much appreciated.
Keep the content coming. It's clever.
Thanks very much for everything, guys. I like that guy.
Very clever. guy he's from Chicago I can feel it he says content thanks for the content Andrew, Bobby, Jules, George, Fancy B I made the intro music for the show there it is it's okay if you guys cut this out and don't use it we're gonna cut it for letting.
We're going to cut it. How much I appreciate the show for letting me be a tiny part of it at the beginning of each episode.
It's been a year, and I think that's insane, and you guys are so huge. I can literally talk to anyone now and say, oh, I made that intro music for this podcast, and they know what I'm talking about.
Very cool. You guys are killing it, and I can't wait to see what the future brings.
I'm about to cry. Don you're really nice every monday and i love it that's my boy that's nice rocom's the shit i like it more i like it you like this making you touching you in a good way i like this bob there are other people that look like you uh bobby andrew jules andres the behind the scenes producers that are remote and no one else fuck you pink dick

this guy's awesome meant a lot to me this year i played during online classes to procrastinate work and it's really a big deal to me to see another uh weird mutant freak red-headed person making it big time yeah baby you know it's kind of like there's hope how bobby must have felt when he first saw like enter the dragon um yeah thank you bye it's great dude my kid has a good sense of humor i love it little asian joke we got to throw a couple in there as redheads it's part of our thing yeah Rick Glassman again making an appearance on our podcast Bobby's really lit Andrew's really lit Rudy's really lit and it's just fun to watch sometimes I like that guy short and simple and the bl bl bl bl bl the lips was really cool That was really good Happy anniversary to two of my favorite comics In the world I listen to you guys I mean fuck A lot While I brush my teeth While I cook dinner My roommate thinks I'm an absolute psychopath Because I. Because I blast you guys' conversations throughout the apartment.

Love it.

Some of it may be a little controversial, but it sure as fuck makes me laugh.

Do we say controversial stuff on it?

Yeah, like Robert E. Lee stuff we did earlier.

That's good stuff.

How much you've helped me this year throughout the pandemic.

It's been rough out there.

Thank you so much. See, there are good-looking redheads.
She's cute. There's some good-looking redheads on the surface.
Yeah, see? Yeah, yeah. I told you we got some in the...
We have some in the stable. Yeah, yeah.
Also, I want to say this as a very serious note. Thank you to our fans.
We really do appreciate it. It's our anniversary, and this has meant a lot to us.
Probably as much as it's meant to you guys, we love it. You know what I want to say sincerely is that sometimes, because the studio is just down the street from our house.
It's a mile from our home. So we just kind of get in the car and we drive here.
Yeah. And you think you're doing, because I don't go out, so I don't really know.
What's going on. Really what's going on and what the reaction really is.
you know we don't go on the road and we don't need everybody you can't feel it we don't feel it so it's like so you kind of feel like you're doing it in a vacuum you know yeah and but when you get messages like this you realize that people do listen to it I don't know why because they love it I know but I'm just know, I have to ask. Don't do that again.
I do know why. It's magic.
It's magic, baby. So we thank you.
We thank you so much. And Rudy wants to thank you as well.
Ruth? Say something. Thank you, everyone, for listening.
Oh, my God. Happy anniversary.
No, be sincere. This idiot gets off a fucking boat.
Knows three words in English. We get her a job.
a job Internet superstar Yeah, she's an internet superstar And that's what she comes up with Be sincere I am No, say something more Say more Thank you Thank you again She starts with thank you Okay For If you say being a bad friend. No, thank you for always...

I don't know.

Fucking finish it!

Finish it!

You're going to talk for two minutes.

Yeah, you got to talk.

Fill in the fucking dead air.

Fill in the dead air.

Two minutes, go.

Thank you for supporting the podcast.

Thank you for listening to us, even if it's stupid. Thank you for...
You don't have to say thank you. Yeah.
Just say your heart. Yeah, your heart.
Go ahead. I love coming here so much.
The boys treat me better than I ever could have expected. Back where I come from, all I had was one balloon a week to eat,

and now here I eat every day anything I want.

So thank you to the fans, to America, and to Donald Trump.

This is the greatest country.

Keep moving your lip.

This is the greatest country on earth.

Make America great again.

We got you saying that on tape. Yeah.
My name is Rudy. And January 6th, I went to the Capitol.
And I had my back and I had my Confederate flag. And I tried to bash in the window, but I'm so weak.
So I went to the front door and went in. I said, hey, where's Nancy Pelosi office? I'm going to hang her.
I don't know if I'm going to get in trouble, but no one did nothing. So I'm back here doing bad friends.
Thank you for being a bad friend. That's great.
Thank you for being a bad friend. All my life I've been waiting for the bad love

to belong to good love

All my life

I've been waiting

for the hard times

to belong to good times

If you come around

Maybe I will get

the hopes up

Maybe it's a good job.