High Brow Friends

um i think i just won my taxes yeah i just switched to h&r block in about one minute all i had to do was drag and drop last year's return into h&r block and bam my information is automatically there so i don't have to go digging around for all my old papers to switch nope sounds like we just leveled up our tax game switching to h&r block is easy just drag and drop your last return. It's better with Block.
Can you hear me? I mean, kind of. But not really.
We can hear the fans more than anything else. Oh.
But it looks good. Does it really? Doesn't it look good, Jules? Yeah, it looks good.
All right, we can't hear you. I can't hear you now.
I can't hear you at all. But you look good.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Why are you in a bad mood, Jules? She's not in a bad mood.
She just... Let her say it.
No, let me. Why? Because she's going to deny it.
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
I'm her attorney. Okay, go.
Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah.
I'm representing her. Oh, you do? Okay.
Yeah, so my client here, hearsay. This is a hearsay.
Mm-hmm. Right? From different sources.
Right? I heard that she had her very first panic attack today. Did you really? Yeah.
Yeah. She didn't know what it was.
Welcome. I know.
Welcome to the club, man. I've had so many of them.
Thousands. Seriously.
I'm having one right now. Wait.
Will you seriously explain your experience? I was doing homework. Yeah.
Yeah. And then my hands started to feel numb and shaky.
Yep, that's a stroke. That's not a panic attack.
She's like, and my face fell asleep, and my eyeball drooped.

What is it?

What else happened?

My hands felt shaky and numb, and then I started to breathe heavily.

Like I couldn't breathe.

Like you were...

Yeah.

Did it feel like your heart was skipping a beat or no?

Was your heart pounding heavy?

Like you could feel it out of your chest.

Right.

Correct.

Another symptom.

These are all dire symptoms.

Do you know what you were thinking about at the time when it happened yeah what was it secret oh and now we're gonna have to get that yeah what's the secret what's the secret welcome welcome back to what's that secret the old saying you're as sick as your secrets that's exactly right right so what's your secrets? Secrets make you sick. Secrets secrets hurt someone.
What is it? Secrets secrets are no fun. Secrets secrets.
Secrets secrets hurt someone dumb dumb to you if you have it. If you have it.
If you have it. Every secret has a unique weight to it and you can only carry them for so long.
What is your secret? It's a secret. Okay, it's a secret.
And what is it?

Not for long.

This is where you make it up.

Okay.

If you don't want us to know the secret.

We've been doing this show for 51 weeks.

Make it up.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

My laptop broke.

Oh.

And I'm having withdrawals.

From what?

You're having withdrawals?

Yeah, yeah.

She's having withdrawals from what?

Valorant. Valorant.
Valorant. Yeah, yeah.
That's sad. What's the real secret, though? Yeah.
That's it. Lies.
Lies. That's it.
Yeah. That's such a...
What a bad... Also, by the way, to make you feel comfortable, I'm genuine.
I had panic attacks for years. And I had them in college.
I've told this story before, but this isn't fun. I was working at a restaurant and I was serving and I was tired and dehydrated and I just hadn't eaten all day.
And I felt really like hazy and woozy and I didn't feel one. I was like, oh man, I just haven't eaten, that's why.
But I also had worked myself, like I was working crazy hours, I wasn't sleeping and I get these things called ocular migraines. Do you know what that is? I go blind in one eye, like my vision goes away.
So I started to get an ocular migraine and I get these things called ocular migraines. Do you know what that is? I go blind in one eye.
Like my vision goes away. So I started oh am i the only one that's ever hit their head on a sink counter i did this movie called Heartbreakers and it was a really bad movie and great director.
And I remember and Sticky Fingers. Is that a rapper? Yeah, Sticky Fingers.
Fingers was in it. He was in the scene.
He's the chess player. Right, the chess player, right? Did I tell you the story about how i had a monologue no i mean

i know you guys play chess together we did play chess so i had a monologue with them right yeah and i go the camera set up right yeah it's a it's a it's a single from my waist up sure and they go and also i remember them they're running out of time like like they have to wrap that we gotta go We gotta go.

Right?

And I have this one-page thing.

Two words again to it. like they have to wrap that night we gotta go and I have this one page thing

two words I get into it

the hemisphere

whatever the line is

the hemisphere

and I stop

and I have a fucking panic attack

full on

I can't talk

trembling, sweating

cut, cut, cut

and people come

we gotta go

we gotta go Thank you. Trembling, sweating.
Right. Cut, cut, cut.
Right. And, you know, people come.
You all right? Because, you know, we got to go. You all right? Because let's fucking go.
We got to go. We got to go.
Which only, like, puts fucking fuel on the fire. Of course.
Right. Then it's way worse.
Yeah. So now I'm trembling.
Like, imagine if someone walked in the room when you're having a panic attack and I was like, what's wrong? And you're like. Yeah.
Yeah. And I remember they just moved on

because you can't get the scene

couldn't get it out

oh Bob

yeah yeah

but look

it happens to everybody

that's why when you call

the casting director

when I fail sometimes

you didn't have a panic attack

okay

you didn't have a panic attack

and you call me out in that way

another thing you call me

how is that calling you out

another thing you've been doing lately

which I don't like

let me just get this out of the way

I love you so much

okay I love you too

is you calling me

oh look at this weird crazy spider

on my microphone

yeah you deserve

George

You deserve it. Look at that.
Here's another thing that you've been doing this week that's been driving me cray-cray. What is it? Just flick it.
I want to save his life, though. I'll put him in a bag.
See what happens? My therapist told me this is going to happen. I have a resentment.
We'll save you for later. I have a resentment.
You mean I have the – I'm – No, it's fine. I'm brave enough.
I'm brave enough to bring it up and then there's a – So a lot's been going on in the news and in the social cycle What did I do? I called you this week to talk to you about a few different things No, you've been calling me This is what you've been doing Did you get it? Right? I did No, twice you did it But you still don't know. I do know.
You don't. I do.
Because you got it. No.
You got it. I didn't.
You got it. No, I didn't.
You didn't get it. No.
They gave it to... I don't know.
They don't tell you that on the phone. You can ask your agent.
Yeah, but I didn't even ask. They go, you didn't get it.
I don't know if I got it or not. You got it.
No, I got a call saying they love me.

They love you.

Right?

And they like my audition.

Told you.

Right?

See?

What are you doing on your grateful death party? She's not even listening.

That's what she's been doing lately.

Who are you?

Is it a boy?

She's not even here.

Are you here?

No, because I'm reading my school's emails.

Oh, bullshit.

Oh, bullshit. You bullshit.
You little fucking idiot. Fucking liar.
It's true. Read it out loud.
What does it say? It is true because in the car ride over. She was reading emails.
No, she goes like this. 16th, February 22.
She kept saying that. 16th, February 22.
I go, what are you fucking saying right now? What is it? She's like, I have to go back to school February 22 February 22nd you need to go back is that what the email is about yeah since you know the information can you let it go and be in the present moment and do the fucking podcast okay you're skating on thin ice oh man you're irritating the fuck thinnest ice irritating the fuck out of me right now and you know what we should make you tell the secret that's what we should make you do because of what you're up to But let me say something to Oh, man. You're irritating the fuck.
Thinnest ice. Irritating the fuck out of me right now.
And you know what?

We should make you tell the secret.

That's what we should make you do because of what you're up to.

But let me say something to you, Andrew.

I was hoping, right, that I wasn't going to get it.

Just-

I can give you shit about it.

I know, but that's the best part because you're going to get it.

And then I can give you shit about it.

Yeah.

But here's the deal.

Here's the stipulation.

What?

If you get it.

Yeah.

I have to fly over there with you.

You're going to go to Hungary.

It's in Budapest, is that where Hungary is? is Hungary in Budapest? yeah is that Hungary the capital? Hungary is the city Budapest is the state I know that, the country oh and it's within Turkey citizen. Yeah, the citizenship.
The citizenship. Right.
And Lithuania. And Greeks are dirty, shellfish-eating people.
They are. Yeah.
They're gross. They're dirty, hairy.
They're dirty, hairy people. Pieces of shit.
I know that fucking Hungary is a fucking country. Yeah.
All right, so don't be dumb, dumb. Budapest.
Budapest. You'll fly over there with me? I want to so bad.
I know. But when I go to Hawaii, you never show up.
First of all, first of all, I asked you. Yeah.
Hey, wouldn't it be cool if I came to Hawaii and we did like a little bad friends in Hawaii? Yeah. You know what you texted back? What? No.
Exactly. So what the fuck are you saying now? I want you to fight for it.
Oh, you want? I want you to fight for Hawaii, dude. You don't want this love to be that easy.
Yeah. I want you to go, come on, man.
You know what? I should just show up. Yeah.
I this dude i when i was in hawaii i had eight days off and you did nothing well i did stuff but kalyla wasn't there you were there alone yeah i would wake up and i go why doesn't she go with you because we have so many what are you doing nothing why do you yeah you were i'm checking time. The time that we're at now?

We just started.

I just wanted to check. Oh, you did it again?

I just checked the time.

You know what?

If you don't want to be here,

how about this?

If you don't want to be here, too bad because you have to.

Yeah, you have to.

Otherwise, you're done for.

You're gone.

Here's what we haven't even thought about.

Here's what we haven't even thought about.

Yeah.

She's getting accepted to colleges now.

Oh, no.

I know.

When do you go to college?

September.

Oh, my God. Yeah, so now.

What college?

I don't know yet.

But you got accepted to one.

What did you get accepted to, Rude?

DeVry.

Wait.

University Phoenix Online. Cal State.
rude uh devry university phoenix online cal state northridge no fullerton okay that's that close it's in it's southern california that's anaheim that's like fullerton's not far she could still drive to come to the podcast she has to if you go to fullerton yeah you have to what's the other one we don't know yet how many did you apply to eight eight of them Yeah, you have to. What's the other one? We don't know yet.
How many did you apply to? Eight. Eight of them.
Eight schools? What's your dream school? Long Beach. Yeah, Long Beach.
Yeah, Long Beach is a great school. Shout out Snoop Dogg.
Wait, the Long Beach State. Yeah.
Yeah, the home of the... What's their mascot? You're not going to get in if you don't know.
Home of the... What if their administration's watching this right now? Yeah, home of the...
We're really interested in this Rudy girl. Rudy Jules.
This is another time to improvise. Blue whales.
Home of the blue whales. No, the blue whales.
Home of the blue whales. Exactly.
Long Beach State, California State, Long Beach, CSULB. Home of the Dirtbags.
That's their baseball team. Home of the Dirtbags.
That's real. Yeah, that is real.
That is actually real. And they have a big pyramid where their basketball team plays.

Look, there's one right... Look, there it is right there.
George is pulling it up so you can see it. What's their new

mascot? It's called the LB?

The LB is

a shark. Click on the images.
I'd like

to see what the LB looks like.

E-L-B-E-E. The LB.

Wow.

Okay. What did it used to be? Something

racist? They had to get rid of it. What's that guy next to it? Prospector Pete.
Jay Leno. Jay Leno is a must.
That is literally Jay Leno. Take him for gold.
Take him for some gold. So this guy got banned, Prospector Pete, probably because it was embedded in some sort of racial narrative that they were like, we got to get rid of it.
Can I say something else?

It's so funny.

Can I say something else I have to admit?

Yeah, please.

And it's very difficult to admit it.

Admit it.

I will.

So how do I begin?

When you suggest things, you know?

When I suggest what?

Things to watch or listen to.

TV and film?

Yeah.

Yeah, I've done a great job. You know how many people commented and said in and of itself was...
Okay, so I'm going to talk about that. Life-changing.
Okay. And boy, I've got a list of new shit to watch because we've been watching.
Okay. Can I just tell you about my story? Get it out.
Okay. So you brought up In and of itself.
Yes. And I go, when you said it, I thought to myself, I'm never going to watch it.
I will not watch it. I will not.
I refuse. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. So I'm at home, right? And I'm just on Hulu.
Right? And I skim, right? I'm skimming. Skimming.
You know, they have the little things. Yeah, I suggest this.
Yeah. You might like this.
Yeah. And I run past it.
Yeah. I'm going to.
Just out of spite. Yeah, out of spite.
Dick. So I go, you know what, dude? I think I should watch it because I know I'm not going to like it.
I know that whatever he says, I know that whatever he says about it, right, is absolutely wrong. Right.
And so I'm just going to watch it out of spite. Right.
So that I can come back to the podcast and go, fuck you. You owe me two hours of my life or whatever it might be.
Right. You waste significantly more than two hours of your own life on dumb shit.
So go ahead. Okay.
I don't like the way you're fucking holding that fucking glass, by the way. It's the biggest cup we've got.
Okay. So I'm watching it.
Five minutes in. Five minutes in.
My eyes are going... I told you.
I'm not kidding you. I told you.
And I had to push pause. Because you're bubbling.
And I go, oh, God. Oh, God, that was so good.
Right? And I hated myself for it. By the end of the movie, you were moved, weren't you? Not moved.
Snot bubbles. No, I'm trembling right yeah oh my god that was life-changing yeah and i go khala you have to watch this yeah you guys well you facetimed me yeah and khala was in the background and she i didn't why didn't you watch it with her in the first place because she doesn't she's worse than when it comes to you yeah Yeah.
She's worse. Why? Because we just don't trust you.
You think we don't trust you? You don't trust my. We don't.
You don't trust my picking of stuff. But now I'm beginning to a little bit.
You should. All right.
You should. Now I'm beginning.
You didn't see it yet. No.
No, no, no. It's amazing.
Yeah, it is amazing. So what I'm saying is that – and other people I've read on Twitter that you suggested it.
I've watched it and they go, thank you. They love it.
I'm telling you right now. Now you get a second person to validate.
Okay? Okay. I'm saying that it's – I'll tell you why I like it and I'll tell you why it's genius.
I'm not going to give anything away. No, don't.
I'm not. But he's taking two performance arts mediums.
Correct. Combining them, right? And it's very authentic and original.
But it's also very life-affirming. And it's just well done.
Yes. Yeah, and it's like...
It's just, you can tell,

you know, they say,

people say this a lot about

you're not good at whatever your art is

until you hit your 10,000 hour mark,

you know?

Whether it's music or fashion

or comedy or writing or performing.

And you can tell that this is,

he said 10,000 hours.

Oh, yeah.

Do you know what I mean?

Like you can tell when someone,

it's almost like when you watch

a good comedy special

or listen to a great album when you go, these guys have really put in some fucking work yeah it's just like it comes together it's like card tricks for instance sure right i would never be able to do it never because i just know that i'll be doing it right fan right and i'll be doing it and i'll already in my head go i fucked up already you know i mean i don't know where the ace is right i lost it it was supposed to be here on this finger yeah i was supposed to be controlling it yeah and i lost the control it's in some guy's pocket you put the ace in me already yeah yeah no it's just you can just can't do magic you can tell that he you okay you know who else i i got into this weekend oh here we go i got into on hbo. There's a show called Painting with John.
Do you know that show? No. John Lurie.
Look up John Lurie. It's a series? So he had an original one called, do you know who this is? No, man.
John Lurie, you don't know who this is? I don't know John Lurie. It's crazy.
Mr. Lookit, there he is.
It's funny to think that you, Mr. Snob, Artistic Snob Rat Brat, don't know who he is because

he is a god in the artistic community.

Okay, can I?

One of Anthony Bourdain's best friends.

Bourdain's is his name.

One of Anthony Bourdain's best friends.

He said Bourdain.

I said Bourdain's.

I know who he was.

Can I say something to you?

Your attitude right now.

So he was in New York.

Take it down a notch.

He's a musician, a painter.

I know this. Oh, you know who he is?

Yes, man. You don't know who he is.
Yes, I do. He's my

AA sponsor.

See, that's how you improvise.

He just makes you up. This guy's got

a show about painting and it's phenomenal. I'm going to see something about art

though, okay? Yeah. I don't know much

about it. Correct.
And I've never claimed on the show

that I was an art connoisseur.

No, but you think you're a highbrow art...

I'm not high... and I don't like the way you're doing that with your finger.
You like. I don't like a highbrow.
You like highbrow art. I don't do this.
No, you want to be a part of a highbrow community. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. But you're not.
You're a beanie wearing. You know what I am? You know what I am? What? Lowbrow.
Yeah, you're very lowbrow. Yeah, I'm very lowbrow.
And we might be throwing gang signs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
These might be gang signs, by the way. But I'm going to tell you right now, dude, I've never claimed that.
I don't know any – okay, how about this? Let's do a contest. It's not that you don't claim it.
Name me 20 artists just off the history of the world. Go ahead.
20? 15. We're going to sit here while I go through them? Yeah, yeah.
I want to know. Artists of any kind? Yes.
Really? Yeah. Mediums, you know what I mean? But I can pick music.
I can pick – i can pick no no no in terms of just um painting either it'd be you know abstract or picasso there we go rembrandt here we go renoir dinging go ahead uh uh jackson pollock bingo. I can use him.

John Lurie.

There we go.

It is weird to name painters.

That's why I like doing this.

It's very hard.

I mean, I don't know anything about painting, but this is really fun.

Let's name some more painters.

Donaldo.

There's no Donaldo.

Yeah, there is.

If there's a Donaldo, I'll let it slide. Donaldo.
Go'll give you donald donald donald go ahead um uh warhol very good i guess yeah basquiat very good whatever i love basquiat i know you do you see exactly this is what i mean love it take a time out take a time out we're on eight okay you Dali. Yeah, Salvador Dali.
You would love Basquiat. You know why? Why? Because people have this affinity for that guy, even though what he made was only revolutionary because he was like a black artist in New York when it was all white hoity-toity.
Outside of that, his stuff wasn't that good. Basquiat's stuff wasn't that good.
None of it was like, wow. Oh Basquiat's stuff was fine.
It was like, yeah, that's fine art. I guess it's good.
It's good. But it wasn't mind blowing.
It was just unique because he was a young black artist in an all white world, which is credible. But this isn't that good.
That's very good. This isn't that good.
That's fine. Rudy can do that.
I've got to say this. Rudy can do that.
Look, look, look. You're very good.
This isn't that good. That's very good.
That's fine. So you...
Rudy can do that. I gotta say this, alright? Rudy can do that.
You're the... Look, look, look.
Very good. Not so good.
Can I just say this? Bring up a Renoir. Bring up a Renoir.
Alright, Renoir, but stop it. That's my point! Can I say this? Let me say what I want to say, okay? Let me say what...
Look at that! Look at that sex. Oh, realism.
Look at that fat... Look at that fat white girl by the water.
My Uncle Han can make a fucking realistic painting like that. No.
You know what? You know how technical that is? And Basquiat was like. Oh, really? All right.
So you think that Basquiat, blah, blah, blah, right? Yeah. What about this guy? What if you're a guy right here, right? Putting the fucking brush in the paint can and just doing this.
Jackson Pollock will fuck yourself. don't know jackson pollock i just named him that's your guy i just named him white guy that's your guy my art has been commended as being strongly vaginal i just named him okay what's a good asian artist then people i know who david cho you name one that's that's the only one get off a show no i'm not gonna he's a personal friend I'm gonna thank you so much give me another one give me another one give me another Asian artist that you love um I can't look at David Cho phenomenal yeah yeah okay so for my money I'll pay for that over Basquiat this is my point Basquiat was great look at how talented that is put that side by side with a Basquiat George look at my point.
Basquiat was great. Look at how talented that is.
Put that side by side with a

Basquiat, George. Look at how beautiful

that looks. And now show

me whatever fucking candle they're

selling at Urban Outfitters with a Basquiat

fucking label written on it.

That's what they do now. They sell his stuff on

Move!

No, go back. Go back.
Go to Boxer.

That's one of his most famous.

Yeah, yeah.

Look at this. Click on Boxer and make it big.
Images usually helps. There it is.
All right. Right there.
Look at this. Can I say something about this? My niece.
No, your niece couldn't do that. My niece.
I'll tell you what you're noticing. My niece can make it.
All right. When you have a realism, don't ever do that again.
This is my mic. Oh, that's right.
Okay, so what I'm saying is that.

Let's calm down for a second, okay?

Yeah, why did we get so hot?

Because you got mad about the artist thing.

I know, because, you know, a lot of artists can do realism.

All right?

I knew dudes in art class in high school that could draw my face.

Okay?

Really?

Yeah, technical.

Yeah.

Tough face to draw.

Tough face to draw.

Okay.

It's unique.

It's not.

It's round. You just do slits.
It's round, but it has cheekbones. You just do a circle, two slits, a mouth, and two holes.
It's like a smiley face. Yeah, all right.
It's very easy to do. You have a smiley face.
All right. Fuck you.
All right. All right.
I'm going to say about fucking Basquiat, right? David chose art. Let me finish my point.
Better than Basquiat. I said it.
David chose art's better than Basquiat. Let me finish my point.
Bam. Okay.
Is that no one could do what Basquiat does because that's an original. That comes from his mind.
What do you mean? David Cho paints nothing original? No, he does. But I'm just saying there's more realism.
It's abstract. You could look at a David Cho painting, although he's a friend of mine, he's very talented, right? And compare it to other people's, right? But with Basquiat, when you see a Basquiat, you know that it's him.
Yeah. Yes, because it's uniquely bad.
Because it looks like a child. No, no.
It looks like a child's painting in an art museum. Even a child couldn't do it.
Children do it all the time. They can't do that.
All the time they do it. No, they can't.
All the time. No, they can't.
You know what? I'm going to show you every fridge in Sherman Oaks. Every parent's like, look at what Brayden did.
Brayden does that. Yeah.
That looks like finger paint for Brayden. And you can't compare also.
I know. These are two different kinds of art.
I understand. You can't compare, right, like a movie like Elf.
Great film. Great film.
And a movie like Mean Streets. Yes, you can.
No, you can't. El is better all right all right then elf right and apocalypse now elf is better it's not fucking better elf is better elf is better it's not better it's not better you know it's not better you know You're just saying that to fucking drive me crazy.
Give me something else that you think will beat Elf, because I'm telling you right now, Elf is still winning. Okay.
Memorable lines, the characters. I'll give you another one.
I'll give you another one. Okay.
Elf versus the original Star Wars. Ooh, that's tough.
Two different movies. That's very tough.
Okay, two different. How about Elf and the original Alien? Ooh.
Two different movies you can't compare the two. I'm gonna go with, of course, Elf! Elf! You know what I'm saying, though.
You can't compare, right, it's hard. My point is, when I see Basquiat's stuff, I know it's his stuff.
Compare the Rotten Tomatoes between Elf. What did it get? In 84%.
Do you go by tomato score or audience score? Not audience. You don't do audience.
No, because half of those guys are fucking Trump supporters. They love Marjorie Taylor Greene.
What's the tomato score then? Who are they? What? People that know about film. No, no.
These are film people. Are they the ones that are buying all the box office tickets? No, the people matter.
The critics don't matter. No, no, no.
Now we're going into a fucking personal thing. And here's why I know.
Let me say something. Here's what happened at the Golden Globes.
All these names were released and everybody was like, what is this? No one watched any of that shit. Yeah, because that's why you have the Golden Globes and you have the People's Choice Awards.
No, People's Choice Awards isn't a real thing. No one watches the People's Choice Awards.
That's not a real thing. You don't have a fucking People's Choice Awards party.
Come on over. Let's watch.
Most likable sidekick. The Golden Globes should be about the people.
The Emmys should be about the Academy. Listen, okay.
When you... By the way, you and I are never going to any of these things.
We're never going to get invited. You know what I am? No, you're not.
I am. You'll go to the Razzies.
No, I will go to the Emmys one day. You'll go to the Floozies or the Azies.
I've been to the Emmys. What? What? Were you working? I interviewed.
Twice. You were interviewing people? Yeah.
I interviewed William H. Macy a couple of times.
Can I ask you a question? Yeah. Okay.
And the second thing is. You're not going to go to the Emmys.
Yes, I am. You're not.
You'll go as somebody's guest. I'm going to take you as my guest.
No, no. And I can't wait.
Holy fuck. I can't fucking.
No, no, stop, stop. If Dave gets nominated, I'm taking you as my guest.

I can't wait.

I'm not going to take my wife. I'm taking you.

I'm not going to get invited to the fucking Emmy.

I'm not going to go.

In your face.

You're not going to go.

Yes, I am.

You're not going to go.

Oh, you're saying that I'll get invited, but I won't go?

Oh, no, I'm saying you won't go.

You won't get invited.

I will get invited.

For what?

What was the show that I just sold to ABC?

No, I'm not going to win an Emmy.

You're so negative.

I love it. But I'm going to say this, okay? Yeah.
That got 84%, right? What did Alien get? What's Alien, George? 95. No.
Oh, that's Mean Streets. Mean Streets is 95.
Obviously. Mean Streets is a...
Come on. Obviously.
But you said earlier. Alien got what? What did Alien get? 98.
98. Higher than Mean Streets.
Right. So that means Alien is better than Mean Streets.

Right.

Your point is right.

You're right.

And it's also better than Elf.

In this world, yes.

But my point is you can't compare the two.

In Rotten Tomatoes' world.

You can't compare the two.

We just did.

I know, but that's one thing.

Maybe some other site would have some other opinion.

My point is that they're two different fucking arts.

Art is subjective.

Right.

But someone's got to judge at some point. Right.
And also, kind of to make this argument, too, is that there have been bands where people, you go, oh, why would anyone buy a Creed album? But millions of people do. It's a great band.
Oh, my God. Great band, great music.
You're fucking. You're really doing it.
You're a tad right now.

Nothing against Creed. Nothing against them.
But what I'm saying is that you can compare. It's just like it's not great.
I would never buy it. And it's like the people in hordes like stuff that aren't good because you can't trust people.
You can only compare it on a technical level. Right.
You can't go, Creed is not as good of a band, that term, not as good of a band as...

Any of them.

Stop it.

Because they are better than some of them.

Okay.

Creed is not as good of a band as the Black Keys, right?

You could say that.

Yes. And then someone would go, well, I don't like the Black Keys.

I love Creed. But you can say, Creed that person creed is a fucked heart okay you can say creed isn't as musically um technically talented as about and that's a more valid argument you look at a creed album right and then you look at okay computer sure right i'll side by side right side by side yeah it's not even a fucking okay computer blows it out of the water all right it's a masterpiece i don't i'm saying i just i album i agree from beginning to end it's a fucking masterpiece i agree but there's people out there that don't yeah and those people are the ones that fucking may review on rotten tomato i don't trust them.
That's my point.

Yeah, but some of those people are also the tomato leaders.

Listen, I know this.

And this is maybe

why some people

call me an elitist.

That's what it is,

an elitist.

You're driving me crazy today.

You're driving me crazy today.

But okay, so

I might be a little bit

of an elitist, right?

But there are certain things that are good. That's why when I even – when you say I'm not going to – fine, okay? That might be true, all right? I'm kidding.
You can go if you want. I don't – what do I – No, no, no.
Let me tell you something. It might be true.
Not only is your show – your show is going to get an Emmy, a Golden Globe, and it's going to be the first television show that gets an Oscar. Your show.
All right. Now you're being a fucking asshole.
And you'll get a Grammy. It's impossible.
You're going to get an EGOT. All right.
So what I'm saying, though, is. God, my throat is.
My throat. I can't even swallow.
What we're saying is. Neither of us know what we're talking about.
Yes, we do. Let me just close out my fucking.
Close it up. Close out my fucking argument.
Close it up, Papa. I do know there are just certain things in terms of art that are more creative, more relevant, more putting their finger on what's going on on the planet or the world.
Yeah, culture. yeah culture culture and there's some albums are just put out right quickly yeah right through some sort of like corporate machine yeah right and it's only there so that people the masses what is that the them that's the masses Right.
They'll go buy it. Right.
Right it and I'm not necessarily going to listen to them when it comes to film who do you listen to it's like those patriots they say America America is the greatest country in the world when a lot of them have never even visited other countries how How do they know, right? Well, you don't need to go anywhere when you're in the best. You're not going to leave a Morton Steakhouse and go to an Outback, are you? That's a good one.
All right. My point, though, right being is that a lot of these people go, this movie is the greatest movie in the whole world when they haven't seen Being There or Paris, Texas or you know what I mean? Any of these, you know what I mean? But maybe it's the best to them.
And that's still okay. No, but some of them say it's the best of all time.
This movie is the best. Oh, have you seen, you know what I mean? Any Kurosawa film or have you seen...
But there is no best of all time. It doesn't exist.
There are. There is no best of all time.

There are 50 films, right, that most people that critique films, right, and have seen all the films will say that generally we're pretty confident that these 50, right, are in the best films of all time.

Yeah, but we don't know what's coming next.

No, but I'm saying this is that I'll tell you that Citizen Kane will probably always be on that list. It'll be on a list of some of the best films, but it won't be forever.
Times will change, my friend. Yo, I'm sure in the fucking parliamentary days that they thought finger flicking they were like this is the illest

shit of all time. And it still is.

It's not. Really?

Yeah that's not that you don't put it on anymore.

You don't care. I used to Chopin all the fucking time.

You don't like Chopin. Yes I do.

When's the last time he's played Chopin

inside the house?

I don't know who's. Exactly.

She doesn't know who's Chopin.

She doesn't know. Name me six

composers right now.

Thank you. inside the house.
I don't know who's... Exactly.
She doesn't know who's Chopin. She doesn't know...
Name me six composers right now. This is tough.
This is tough. Go.
This is tough. Six composers.
Wait, I forgot everything already because it's pressure. You can't name one.
We just named one. Okay, we'll give you clues.
we'll give you clues we'll give you clues okay how about this one of them one of them was they did a movie about a dog a big hairy dog big hairy dog but that's the composer's name and the guy and John what was the actor's name he used to yell his name the dog's name all the time yeah yeah he used. He used to go...
It starts with a B. Yeah, B.
Bay. It starts with Bay.
Bay. Bay.
I don't know how to pronounce it. Say it.
Try it. Just try it.
Bay. Bay.
Beethoven. Beethoven.
That's it. Beethoven.
Wow. That's good.
That was very difficult. Okay, what's another one? Right.
There's another right there's another guy right his first name right was the guy that makes pizzas right there's a famous guy that makes fancy pizzas in Beverly Hills that's right has the same name as a composer I don't know okay his middle name his middle name his middle name is Amadeus I don't know First name His middle name His middle name Is Amadeus I don't know She doesn't know Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart Mozart Wolfgang Amadeus Puck He has a great restaurant Where you go in there And you jam out to classical music So you never heard of them Mozart I heard of him Mozart You know Mozart Beethoven Right. Beethoven.
Right. Bach.
Kind of. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kind of Bach? Yeah. Yeah.
I've learned in therapy today. I forgot what day it is.
Therapy day. It's therapy day.
So, um. I went to therapy this morning too.
I like to affirm my paranoia. Okay.
Like right so um what i did was friday night you know i'm on a show magnum you are yeah and one of the older episodes aired and some guy on twitter goes bobby lee literally is the worst actor right and who is and who is this guy well then today he made fun of my penis. So I know that he has something against me.
I'm sorry, guys. It was Andres.
Oh, my God. Andres, if it was you, I'd laugh so hard.
And you're fired. But what I do then is this.
So I read the tweet, right? Why? Well, because you're scrolling and then you kind of... I know, right? But this is what I said.
This is what my therapist got so mad at me today. So this is what I do.
I go – I read the tweet and I go, oh, fuck. Maybe he's right.
No, I know. It's crazy.
It's insane. So what I do is this.
I text a producer. Oh, because you want – Right.
I go, so was it bad? Which is like not good, man. And I do that when I take takes.
Like, if I don't think a take is good... You ask? No, but I'll hang out by video filming.
No, I really will. Like, if you're the director, I'll just stand around like this.
They're resetting a different style. Do you watch playback? Is that why? No, no, I'll just kind of go, do you get it? And my therapist goes, you can no longer do that ever.
You can't. That's so bad for you.
I know. I don't do it in a desperate, needy way.
No, it's not desperate. I do it in a very – I just kind of like – I whistle too.
I'll play with my feet a little bit. If they lock eyes, I'll go, do you get it? Yeah, we got it.
on come on why are you so insecure about it once you know once it's locked it's over i understand that i don't know but it's just like i'm just things that i'm learning in therapy that's all and your therapist said no longer you're gonna do it i can no longer do that but is there a way that you can check yourself to make sure you don't do it again i have to self-soothe you do i have to self-soothe and the way i go i don't even know what that means so what he she said was, cause I've had, I don't know why, but I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm,

I'm,

I'm,

I'm,

I'm,

I'm,

I'm,

I'm,

I'm,

I'm,

I'm,

I'm,

I'm,

I'm, to make sure you don't do it again i have to self-soothe you do i have to self-soothe and the way i go i don't even know what that means so what he she said was um because i've had i don't know why but i'm um for some reason like i'll just give you an example i can't tell you who but like this always used to happen to me like i'd be on stage this is like in 15 years ago like i'd be at the improv and I'd be on stage and a female comic

would walk in

right

with a black eye

I'm not kidding you

with a black eye

can I know who?

no I can't tell you who

and she'd be like

look at me

she would look at me

I was that guy

that you hit her?

no

that she would have to

talk to me

I was like

I was like

the female comics

tampon

right

right

where like

female comics would go

you know what I you know this guy was really aggressive with me what do i do you know i mean i was that guy did you do anything about the guy no no but i you know i'm just you know so i i'm good at soothing other people yeah i'm saying so how i deal with other people right i'm I'm going to do it to myself. Right.
That's how I'm going to self-soothe. That's good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So stop spending time trying to soothe for others.
You self-soothe. Yeah.
Self-soothe. I'm trying to self-soothe myself.
And what do you have to do with Rudy? You can't soothe – no soothing. She has a thing with me is that – and it may never work out.
Our relationship may never work out. I have to say that, and that's real.
But she's going to college. She's not working out.
Six months. I know.
And I'll tell you why, right? Is she doesn't – she has a thing where she doesn't come to me with any problems. She – well, that's why she's having panic attacks.
She goes to Kalilah, obviously. Or she's burying it.
No, she goes to Kalilah with all her problems, and I hear her problems via Kalilah. Right.
Yeah, she just – this happened. She would never say it to me.
Why? I'll come in the kitchen, and she'll just – this is what she does. I'll walk in the kitchen, and let's say she's standing right here.
As soon as I walk, she'll just go around the counter. To avoid you.
To avoid me. Yeah, but also to be fair to her, you can be very volatile at times.
Am I ever volatile? And be real. Sometimes.
Like in what way? And this is good. I think we should do this right now.
No, I just. I think this is the moment.
It's not negative so what is the thing that I do that's volatile I just let it out go ahead like you explain where I go like far away when you come in in the kitchen it's because you always want to punch me you want to punch her oh god this is so silly you fucking know you fucking rat time out Was the story with the girl with the black eye, was that Rudy? Not at all. Wait a minute.
Where does he punch you? Let her talk. Where does he punch you? Where? Yeah, like on the arm or in the stomach or on the...
What does he do? Arm. He hits you on the arm.
Hard? Sometimes hard. Sometimes hard.
Come over here. Come punch me how he hits you.
Come here.

No.

Wear your mask.

I want to feel it.

Wear your mask.

I want to feel how hard he hits you.

And be real.

Okay?

I'll be you and you be Bob.

Okay?

Ready?

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, hi, Tita Bobby.

Hi.

Good morning. Okay.
Oh, good morning.

Okay.

Honestly?

Yeah.

That was hard.

I've never hit her that hard.

I just saw the weight of it.

But can I tell you something?

You don't know your strength.

Okay.

So maybe you are hitting her harder than you think,

and she's a tiny little girl.

I do it as a joke.

Yeah, but that's not...

I do it as a joke.

Oh, you hit women as a joke?

No.

Playful.

In a playful way.

Oh, it's funny.

All right.

So here's the deal.

Now that I hear it now, right?

I hear it now.

I hear it now, right?

Yeah.

I won't do that again.

Okay.

So is that the reason why you don't come to me with your feelings and your and and what you're going through no yeah what is it you don't trust me i no i trust you i just go to the kalayla okay but let's say this what do you think it would take from bobo for you to say i want to tell you something personal that's bothering me? What would it take? I don't know. You don't know? Because the communication seems open.
He seems like he's really willing to do something. Even when we get into the car today, right? I go, we're coming here.
And I go, hey.

I open with that.

Hey.

Hey, you.

You know what I mean?

Creepy aunt.

Yeah.

Did I not do that?

Yeah.

Hey, how's the rule?

I didn't do anything.

I just looked at her and go, hmm.

I did one of those things.

Because you could tell she was upset.

Yeah, I make one of those noises too.

I go, hmm.

Hey, you.

You doing okay?

Right?

Yeah.

She was not fine.

Not fine.

Yeah, she's not fine.

You're not fine. Thank you.
You doing okay? Right?

Yeah.

She was not fine.

Not fine.

Yeah, she's not fine.

You're not fine.

So she can't really get that.

No, I see teacher Bobby as like the fun and like always positive uncle.

That's nice.

Here's another thing.

Yeah, and I'm tired of you calling Kalilah your sister Right Who she's your aunt right And you call me uncle Yeah Alright so maybe that has to Maybe it's because you put me in a role Right Yeah you put me in a Some weird like adult role Because you're old Okay Okay Okay bro bro she's 19 you're 49 you are very much the grown-up in this situation like okay she's an adult a young adult and you are a what's the word you used um tito no no no what you said he is what he's old old enough you're. You're an old adult.
I'm old. Okay.
Okay, so let me see. You're not like gross old.
I'm not offended by the word old, right? But you're old. I know.
Okay, you stop. Whatever you're doing right now.
I'm not doing anything. Yeah, you're getting me all riled up.
Time out. Let's take a break.
Let's self-soothe. Let'ssoothe.
It was this girl that used to shoot a comic and her comedian boyfriend used to punch her. Oh my, really? Yeah, it was crazy.
I gotta know the name. I know, I'll tell you later.
But it would be, I would be like in North Hollywood at a bar show. And she'd show up with scratches on her face.
Oh my God. How'd you know I was performing here what i mean and this guy is still around he's killing it he's doing well yeah but back in the then it was like the old west and at comics acted you know a fool they acted crazy back then sure yeah i mean but also acting crazy hitting somebody is a little.
It's way too much. It's different.
Yeah.

That's not being like a drunk who, you know, who throws up at the bar at the improv and pulls their dick out, which that happened at the improv.

I saw that.

Yeah.

That's different than hitting a woman in the face.

I mean, come on.

Right.

And speaking of hitting women.

So are you no longer going to hit Rudy?

That's a permanent thing.

I thought it was a joking thing.

But don't you think. I know.
And I bet you it was loving. But don't you think now she gets to hit you a few times? Isn't that only fair? She can hit me all that she wants.
No. Why? I'm not violent.
You love knives. Yeah.
You're a secret, violent, crazy person. You just are pretending that you're this sweet.
Everyone loves online Rudy's personality.

Your other uncle, not your

uncle, but your great uncle,

chopped his brother in half

with a machete.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot about that.

My grandfather.

Your grandfather?

He took a machete.

Not kidding you.

Went to his brother's, her other grandfather. He took a machete.
Yeah. Not kidding you.
Went to his brother's,

that's her other grandfather, right?

Just took a machete, right?

And in the torso,

just this part, right?

Sliced him in complete half, right?

Imagine the blood, right?

And he just, he went to prison, got out.

You can get out?

You can get out.

That's what's great about the Philippines. Philippines, you can cut someone in half.
By the way, you go to prison for life for weed. Yeah, yeah, here.
But you cut someone in half. And they're like, you're going to be out in 15 years.
And I knew this about him. So when I met that guy for the first time.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
I nearly sucked this dick. I was just like, I went, I gave him a hug.

He's a great guy.

And I whispered to him, I go, whatever you need, man.

I swear to God, whatever you need, man. He killed his brother? Yeah.
And why? Why? What was it? Why? Money. Money.
You know, it's always money. Isn't it? Dude, he cut his brother in half because of how much money? Do you know? I think his brother

I don't know

sold the house

to get money

and then he got angry so he's like a japanese kid went to school in france right in this japanese kid this really happened recently no about 20 years ago he went to school in france and um you can look it up but um he was um boarding school or whatever and his parents were wealthy and he just decides one day I don't know what came over him we have bad days he decides to eat somebody and he just kind of had that mind like I want to eat that lady so he eats another student wow whole like head to toe I don't know... I've never eaten a human, so I don't know what the good parts are.
You've never eaten a human? No, I don't know what the good parts are. Yeah.
And then what happened was... Ah, it's a Sagawa.
Was that him? Yeah, it's gotta be. Known as the...
Known as the what? Yeah. The Kobe Cannibal.
That's a cool name. Yeah, it's really good.
And then his parents were so rich, they got him out of France. Oh, so he was never extradited back to France? He went back to – no.
He was in France when it happened. I'm saying he got to Japan and they never took him back.
No, he was able to come out of France and then he just was never charged. Right.
Now he's just walking around. That's what I'm saying.
They never extradited him back. And it's the best story at parties.
Look at this guy. And he's 71.
And he's still alive. Oh, so it happened a long time ago then.
He's 71 and he's still doing it. 50 years.
He got arrested but released two years after pre-trial detention. Wow.
Bad, bad. And then he was shot.
Yeah. So like in some parts of the world, you know, you can eat somebody.
And it's all good. It's good.
Well, it depends on how many people are starving. It's like a misdemeanor.
Yeah. It's like a a cannibal ticket yeah uh speaking of france so uh i just read this morning the police this is happening all over the world the police just broke up an 81 person orgy 81 people from all over the world they flew in from nine countries and they got fined.
This is the funniest part. They got fined.
COVID.

They got fined because of COVID laws?

Yeah.

Guess how much?

Guess how much they each got fined?

Every person, 81.

How much?

$135.

That's it.

That's a lot.

That's nothing for an orgy.

These people flew for an orgy.

Yeah.

They flew across the world.

The fuck somebody ate?

$135 is nothing.

I'll pay that fine.

I want to go to the orgy.

How come I don't get invited to these orgies? Have you been in an orgy? No. I'm being real.
No, I'm serious. I've never been in an orgy.
I've never been to one. I've never seen one.
I want to see them. I want to go.
I've been in orgies before. A free orgy.
You've never been in a free orgy. And I instigated it.
I don't want to get into it, but I was the one that, let's do it today. How many people is an orgy? Mine was six.
What makes an orgy? More than four? I don't know what it is. I don't know what the rules are.
Can you Google what makes an orgy? What makes an orgy? But mine was six. An orgy is a wild party, especially one involving excessive drinking and unrestrained sexual activity.
That's all? I'm having orgies all the time. Wait, there's got to be, and that's an Oxford, that's Oxford Dictionary said that.

An orgy has to be a number, right?

Yeah.

Because like Greek orgies,

there were like 50 to 100 people.

Think how fun that would be.

Yeah.

What a party.

And by the way.

I'd be afraid to pull my dick

on everyone laughing.

No one's paying attention.

You don't think so?

No, you don't think so.

How embarrassing would that be though?

You show up, you're like,

hey guys,

and then everyone just does an applause break. The record stops.
i would probably put it back on and leave do you know why you know why orgies were invented why do you know why seriously so guys in the hubbub of it of it all yeah when all there's like everyone's fucking and sucking and moaning so a guy that wanted to fuck guys yeah could sneak it in and be like oh i didn I didn't know. Really? 100%.
Yeah. So guys could write in a guy's butt and be like, oh, I just thought you were a girl.
But at this point, it's like, I'm so thin. Okay, let me ask you this.
If you were an orgy, right? And you're fucking girls. Close your eyes.
I'm doing it right now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right? And then all of a sudden, you know, like, all of a sudden, like, before he died, Dustin Diamond's there. Oh, all right.
Jesus Christ. Soon? It literally just happened? Well, I just suppose Dustin Diamond was there.
Rest in peace, Screech. Rest in peace, Screech.
You were great. You're a great dude.
And, you know, he's having sex. I don't know if he was a great dude.
I take that back. He's having sex with a woman, right? Yeah.
And you look at his ass cheeks. And they're the perfect asses you've ever seen.
Like, his ass is so nice and plump. It's so nice.
Yeah. Would you just...
Yeah. You would, right? No, would you just stick your dick in there? Nah.
You know what? For me, boys' butts are too hairy. No, but it doesn't even...
It's like a Brazilian woman's butt. Oh, then yeah.
Yeah, yeah. It has the tan lines and everything.
Oh, it's got that bikini line? Yeah, and it sticks out. Then yeah.
And jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, jiggle, right? His whole body is white, but his ass for some reason is super tan. Perfectly tan.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He only...
What is that? Seven is probably a really mild semi-orgy. Oh, so I really wasn't in one.
You haven't had one. You had to have seven.
You need seven. But also, so the six that you had, how do you...
What do you say? Do you switch out condoms?

Do you?

I don't know because it'd be weird to like use a condom.

Let's say you're doing guys and girls.

You're fucking some guy in the ass, right?

Yeah.

You pull it out.

There's some shit.

And you see a vagina.

Do you stick it back, go in there or do you? Yeah.

Yeah.

I guess I don't know.

I don't know the rules.

I imagine that most of these unbridled orgies don't have condoms. Oh, yeah, do that don't you don't you think yeah there's no way yeah otherwise otherwise those should be sponsored by trojan they should put some money into the orgy game but i just think how do you first of all all this means to me when i read it what i really wanted to talk about was yeah how do you get invited to that kind of like 81 people right i'm not don't laugh at me i want to know how you get invited that that kind of – 81 people, right? I'm not – don't laugh at me.
I want to know how you get invited.

That's a privilege.

Your six people are people that you knew, correct?

No.

Did I tell you about the Asian orgy that I almost got involved in?

Famous Asian orgy?

Sometimes after sets at the comedy store, right?

I go to the fucking –

Carnies.

Carnies.

I know.

I've been with you.

It's embarrassing.

Right. And I get the chocolate.
I know. Why do you get that? It's so delicious.
I love bananas and chocolate. You love a chocolate-dipped banana.
So it's frozen, and I'm like a little kid. Yeah, sucking on a black dick on sunset.
Yeah, just walking down sunset. And I love when fans will come out of the showroom and they'll walk to their cars or whatever.
They'll go, good job, and I'll always do do like a dick sucking thing with them. It's so fun, right? And they always get to laugh.
Yeah, of course. They go, great job.
I'll go, oh, like that. And it gets a huge laugh, right? So this time it was like maybe 1, 1.30 in the morning and I'm walking back.
And this is when I was dating Sarah, a girl named Sarah. I remember her.
Okay, so. Yeah.
Yeah, never mind. I'm not going to say her name.
All right. So I was in the Hyatt there, right? There was probably 200 Asians all dressed in white.

A white party.

Right?

Yeah.

And then this is when like Mad TV – I was on Mad TV.

So I was on a show and Asians especially because I was the only really guy – You were the only Asian.

Guy on TV.

So they all knew who I was, right? Yeah. They go, oh, my Right And they go You wanna come up I go what's going up there And add the chocolate You know what I'm sucking Right Trying to get laughs Right And they're like We're a sex club You immediately You're like This is fake Yeah I go No I want What is Yeah.
We rented out the whole floor and you're invited. I mean, it's a club.
It's a club, but you can come up. And I go, I didn't know what it was.
So I go, all right, I'll go. I'm going to go.
Well, you would go, right? All right. Well, I'm gone.
I'm there in my mind. Right.
So you know how hotel rooms, the doors, each door is, there's a door that's locked to the other door. Those are all open.
Oh. So you can walk through – Pass-throughs.
Pass-through all these rooms. Wow.
Right, right, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So there's music, right? And at first, nothing was happening. People are just talking, right? Is anybody caught? I'm at the tail end of my chocolate thing.
My face is all chocolate-ed up, right? My tail end. And then all of a sudden, like, dudes are just taking their clothes off.
People are just making out. Are these people hot? Oh, my God.
People are hot? So hot. So everybody's hot.
Yeah. I'm the ugliest guy there, obviously.
Yeah, yeah. I wouldn't, if I didn't have Mad TV, I would never be invited.
Right. Okay.
Plus, you didn't have white on. So there was guys, you know what I mean, kissing girls.
And I was kind of walking around like, I think I got to get out of here. Were you talking to anybody? No.
No, just by yourself. So I go to this room.
And I go, this seems like a nice room. There's candles, right? And there's no guys.
It's all women. Oh, nice.
Right? Yeah. So there's these two girls on the bed.
And I'm sitting there on like just a hotel chair right my feet are all chocolatey I'm trying to think to myself should I have a cigarette on the bucket it's weird right yeah but no I'll watch and they're hooking up oh yeah they're eating each other 69 that's great nice cover your ears okay yeah I go but I should go because I was living with Sarah at the time you're allowed to watch I know exactly I'm watching so right I was gonna you know what I'm gonna nut in my pants because I was about to nut in my pants yeah right just explode without even touching it was amazing that's when your dick is going like this it's begging to get out right And then I see the girls look at me.

Yeah.

Right?

And they start whispering.

Meanwhile, when they're whispering, my penis is going –

Like juice is coming out.

Right?

Right?

Yeah.

And also I'm like –

All my spidey senses are –

Heightened.

Like you're in a territory where you don't want to be here.

Correct. Right? Yeah.

But I can't move. Can't move.

Right? You didn't go nowhere. My body's like, leave!

But I'm not leaving. No, you can't.

Yeah, I know you can't. Yeah.

Alright? So they get up from the bed.

Right? Walk toward you.

And they walk toward me. Right?

And one girl starts

kissing my neck. And I go like this.
I go, no! With my hand like this. Why? I go, no! Like this.
And I run out. Wow.
Yeah. The control.
The control, dude. A hot naked chick comes up to you.
I regret that moment every single day. Good for you.
I should have done it. I should have fucking done it.

I regret it. I'm not with her anymore.

When you were in the elevator, was it not running

into your head to be like, fuck this shit, I'm going to go. I got to go back up.

I got to go back up.

The one thing that I can say about myself

is I've never cheated

on anybody. And you were like, I'm not

going to do it with two random girls in this hotel.

I wanted to and I wish I did.

Yeah, you did. Yeah, but I didn't.
In your mind, you did. I didn't because it just goes against...
You wanted to. I wanted to so bad, but it goes against everything that I believe in.
But also, you don't know those girls. What would you have done in that situation? There's no way I would have been...
Genuinely, I would have never... If a guy was like, come upstairs, we're having a sex party.
Yeah. I know to be like, that is trouble.
I'm not, no way I'm going up there. Right.
I shouldn't have gone up there. Yeah.
Cause I knew, you know, because by the way, if you go up there at that point, you should fuck. Yeah.
You went up. You already did it.
Go do it. Yeah.
You did it. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
What is this? What is this guy? Oh yeah. Oh my God.
The religious guy. Okay.
okay this guy's great so what is he look at this though by the way because god we talked about save we talked about saving you on the show a lot no we've talked about saving people people being saved by religion oh yeah remember my buddy who was saved you know yeah look at this this guy's out here saving people and i want to give him a lot of credit this guy's great don't watch porn pray with me instead my friend started this new hashtag prayer watch porn and i guarantee that you maybe have been feeling a little bit tempted yeah maybe you were about to watch okay how much does this guy love porn too much the fact that he's got to say it out loud it's too much that means he's obsessed he needs to be put away yeah no he needs to go to like a six month like lockdown these guys deserve to be in prison for this. Yeah, yeah.
This is prison.

The fact that he's got to say,

you should pray to not watch porn

means his addiction was so violent

that it was like,

you know what I saw?

I'll never forget, dude.

My first time in New York.

My first time I ever was in New York

and I was going to visit my buddy in Brooklyn

and I was like,

I'm going to take the train.

You know what I mean?

Like I'll do the New York thing.

I'm not going to take a cab.

I'm taking the fucking train. The moment I get on the L train, a guy is on his phone watching porn, dick in hand.
Yeah. I was like, should have taken a fucking cab.
That's this guy, by the way. Yeah.
That's this guy. He's watching it in public.
Have you ever seen someone watch it in public? No. Watch porn in public? No.
Never? I feel like I see people doing it. I catch people all the time watching porn in public.
No. Really? Yeah.
Maybe it's my group of friends. No, it's just that.
It's just, I don't really. Well, I haven't been out in so long.
I know, but I don't walk by and people are watching. I always think they're watching the Avengers or something.
Or, you know, some cool thing. I saw a guy at the comedy store watching porn in the OR.
Yeah. Drunk as fuck in the back of the room watching porn on his phone.
Yeah. And honestly, I didn't blame him.
Well, I saw, you know, there used to be... I didn't blame him at all.
A series of porn. I think it was, I forgot what company it was, but they rented Pauly's house.
To do porn? To do porn. Which one? The one above the...
The old one? The old one way on the hill. You're right.
And every time I would watch him, I'd go, oh yeah, I've been there. There's a sense of like, I've been there, man.
Isn't that kind of nice? Yeah, yeah. That's kind of nice to be like, I've been to that porn site.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially been there you know i've been there man isn't that kind of nice yeah yeah that's kind of nice to be like i've been to that porn yeah especially when wait did he get did they get paid good money for that i don't but you know how he just rents that stuff that i know would you ever rent your house out for porn no look at me porn company comes it goes bob if if we're fans of you okay if i wasn't in asa akira's producing I've, no, because I have fucking Jules in the house.
I have dogs or someone. You kick her out.
You're not there while they're doing it. Oh, yeah.
It depends on where I am financially. They come to you and they go, look, we're going to rent the house out and we'll give you 15 grand.
No, I don't need it. We'll give you 25 grand.
No. We'll give you.
No. We'll give you $100,000.
Okay. How fast can you be out? Yeah.
No. How much do you need it for? One day.
Yeah, go ahead. $100,000? But we're going to get cum on everything.
There's already cum on everything. Wow.
What would you do? Well, you know, that's a thing. And I got a text from a friend yeah the other day that goes i couldn't be more annoyed with you right now why i go context and he goes your stupid fucking show is filming on my street all week so like you know because they get you know they put up a notice that says i'm filming on your yeah in your neighborhood and and i was like oh dude sorry yeah oh that's got to be a bummer because they block the streets.
You know, it's a whole thing. And he's like, this guy's house that we're filming in, he rents it out all the time.
For people that don't know, people in Los Angeles, they rent out their houses for film shoots all the time. And they give you like, I don't know, 10 to 20 grand, depending on how long they use the house, but they wreck the house.
We wreck the house. I mean.
You wreck it. And every time I always think, I would never rent my house out to a Hollywood production.
Never. Never.
Because you fuck it up. You fuck it up.
You leave shit everywhere. Things get banged and knocked and broken.
Everything gets broken. I always look through the drawers.
I always look through the drawers. Yeah, because sometimes the green room is in some kid's room.
It's a kid's room. Right, and you're in there.
You can tell that there's pictures up. Yeah.
Somebody, kid lives there. Somebody lives there.
I always just love it. And I go through things.
Yeah. One time we were at, what were we shooting? And we were in someone's house and they had tape on the doors that said, do not enter.
Guess what? What? I entered. Yeah.
How am I not going to check it out? You're always entering. I got to know what's in there.
When I was shooting Magnum and we were shooting on the street and this fucking guy with a MAGA hat, right? Comes and he interrupts. I hear action.
He interrupts the scene. And he goes, you guys are taking jobs away from Hawaiians.
And he walks away. And the boom operator, it's this gigantic brown guy.
You know what I mean? With tattoos all over. Everyone's Hawaiian.
He's holding and just, I'm Hawaiian, bro. Yeah.
We'll be right back. That was good.
Do you have any games today? Rudy has a project that she wants to pitch to you guys. Rudy's got a project? You got a project? She's got a school presentation she wants to practice.
I have a school presentation. Oh, great.
This is exciting. Oh, yeah.
She seems amped about it. Do you see her face? Yeah, I can tell that you're down.
Before we do this, can I talk to you? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Get into her heart, man. Are you sad? No.
Can I be real with you for a second? if you ever need to talk to someone about are you on your phone? oh the presentation if you ever need to talk to someone about panic attacks or anxiety you know you can always text me I'm being serious she will never text you you'll text me she will never I swear to she'll never text you. I suffer from anxiety and depression very much and I gotta tell you if you ever need, if you ever want advice If she, if Kaliah and I died for some reason, right? And she was homeless.
Yeah. Right? And she needed a sandwich.
You'd probably be the last person she'd go to. Last? Yeah, because there's...
Wow. Yeah.
And let that seep into your fucking heart. I mean, all the stuff I've done for you is pretty remarkable.
It's crazy. I know.
I've done so much nice stuff for you. Yeah.
Why don't we see your fucking presentation? Little shit. Alright, what is it? Oh, I like this.
Oh, The Grateful Dead. The Grateful Dead by Rudy.
Oh, let's see, Rudy. Let's hear it.
Hello, everyone. Hello.
I'm Rudy. And I'm going to be presenting The Grateful Dead.
Wonderful. Oh, sorry.
No, you don't clap. Oh.
My bad. So as you can see, there are a lot of names.
But the first people that formed the Grateful Dead were Jerry Garcia, Bob Wire, Phil Lesh, and Bill Krutzman. and then the other few were when those four or no, those three left

and then they replaced them. Right on.
And then the other names of the band are the other ones. You don't really have to.
The Dead. I like it.
Legion of Mary, Dead and Company, and Rat Dog. Rat Dog, baby.
Rat Dog, baby. And then the fans' names are called...
The fans' name is called Deadhead. Deadheads.
Exactly, Deadheads, yeah. And then those are the genres of the Grateful Dead.
Rock, psychedelic rock, blues rock, and et cetera. Yes.
And you're missing one of the members. Who's the newest guitar member? Who's the newest guitar player? He's not up there.

John Mayer?

John Mayer. Yeah.

He's not up there. Why is he not up there?

I forgot. You forgot.
Is John Mayer playing for the Great Dead? Yeah. I didn't know that.

Are you serious? Yeah.

Yeah. He's...
Yeah. Okay.
Do you know he's...

I won't get into it.

It's probably one of the best modern guitarists of our time.

I'm still presenting. Can I say this then? Genuinely.
I know you are, but can I just say that? Let me interject real quick. One of the best guitarists of our time.
He's great. No, no, no.
One of the best guitarists of our time. I want to say something even more controversial, though.
Oh, boy. Here it goes.
I think that Adam Lambert is better than Freddie Mercury. Next slide.
That picture of them was the first show that they did. Oh did oh cool and then they began as the warlocks and formed early 1965 in palo alto ca palo alto california an extremely wealthy area of northern california where stanford university is and then the name grateful dead was chosen from a dictionary and it meant the soul of a dead person or his angel showing gratitude to someone who arranged their burial.
Burial. But yes.
Don't correct her. Well, it is burial.
In the Philippines, it's called burial. Burial.
Yeah. I went to his funeral and burial.
Yeah. Next slide, please.
Fun fact. Say no to drugs.

Okay.

In 1970, the band was going to perform at the warehouse in New Orleans.

Yes.

And at the night of January 31, police raided their hotel and arrested 19 people with possession of various drugs.

Now, that's disappointing.

I never thought that band was into that kind of stuff.

That's disgusting.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

During the... arrested 19 people with possession of various drugs.
Now, that's disappointing. I never thought that band was into that kind of stuff.
That's disgusting. Mm-hmm.
Okay. During their Europe 72 tour, Pigpen's health, one of the members, deteriorated to the point where he could no longer tour with the band.
He died on March 8, 1973. That is his picture.
That is his picture. He is known for his long beard.
Thank you. That is his picture? Can you imagine if it was a picture of somebody else? That is a friend of his.
I'm going to be telling this slide, I'm going to be telling you of the deaths of the members. Oh, my God.
This is amazing.

Give us the deaths, baby.

On February 1975, Keith and Donna Jean Godchow. Just try for it.

Godchow.

They were both like a couple.

No shit.

Two random people with the same fucked up last name.

I'm just telling you because you might not know.

Yeah, you might not know. When Keith and Donna met, they're like, you're a gotcha too? They left the band, but then Keith died in 1980 because of a car accident.
Oh, no. That's right.
Midland, the keyboardist of Grateful Dead for 11 years, died due to narcotics overdose in 1990. Then shortly, Jerry Garcia, the main singer, Garcia's house started to decline and then Garcia was in a diabetic coma for several days in July 1986, later died on August 9, 1995.
Wait, wait, wait. He was in a coma for nine years? Several days.
No, days. A few days.
Wait, wait. Garcia was in a diabetic coma for several days in July of 86.
Okay. I thought he stayed in a coma for nine years.
And he played the whole time. He died in 1995.
Next slide, please. My high school girlfriend's brother had his hand.
You know, he only had four fingers on one of his hands. And he had his handprint on a poster in his room.
And it always intimidated me because his hand was so big and her brother hated me. Go ahead.
The Grateful Dead performed the last concert on July 9, 1995 at Soldier Field in Chicago. And that year was when

Joey Garcia died.

Joey?

Joey, Jerry. It doesn't matter.

Jerry Garcia died.

Whoa, alright, relax.

That's the way she yells.

Okay, and their legacy,

the Grateful Dead formed

during the era when bands such as

the Beatles, the Beach Boys, and the Rolling Stones

were dominating the airwaves. That's right.
They were part of the process of establishing what psychedelic music was. They were the pioneering godfathers of jam band world, and they sold more than 35 million albums worldwide.
That's impressive. And you can buy their merchandise.
We're plugging their merch on the show? No, I'm just saying. Okay.
Is that... What else? That is all.
Thank you for listening. Wait, you have to have some kind of ending.
That's what she was just doing. Thank you for listening.
Go ahead. She has a big thing planned.
Go ahead. Read the thing.
I mean, say it. What you were going to say.
That is all. Thank you for listening.
Goodbye. That was the big thing? Thank you for listening.
that was the big thing thank you for listening goodbye bigger thing than that that's your thing you were banking on thank you for listening goodbye that was it how about this let's let's let's add one more piece right now just to end it i want you to give us kind of a summation of what the group is and means to you and why they're important to music. Go ahead.
Yeah, and without looking at the notes. Go ahead.
The group is a rock band formed in the 1980s, I think. It's your book report.
What the band means to me is their use of drugs because when you see them perform they are more enjoyable when they use drugs that's correct I've never had I've never had a more accurate description in my life to a T that's perfect yeah just a bunch of drug addicts now you look in the camera right now yeah and you say thank you for listening about me and Grateful Dead and my broke report and thanks for being a bad friend you take us out thank you for listening to me on my class discussion on the Grateful Dead thank you for being a bad friend very good the best hello fresh oh my god you know Very good. The best.

HelloFresh.

Oh my God.

You know, I love HelloFresh, Andy.

No.

What do you mean?

Don't fucking call me Andy, you cunt.

Why?

I hate it.

It doesn't matter.

You call me Bob.

I hate that.

Okay, fine.

You're right.

Okay.

One, two, three.

HelloFresh.

You know what, Andy? Yeah, Bob. I hate that.
Okay, fine. You're right.
Okay. One, two, three.
Hello, Fresh. You know what, Andy?