Bobby's Existential Crisis

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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Welcome back to the Double Black Play Jam.
I'm here with Rudy and Bobby Lee. Rudy didn't talk at all last episode.

Yeah, you know why?

Because you brought in a dog and she had to control the dog who was whining.

The poor pup was whining and crying the whole time.

I know.

We have the whole house right now is an animal farm.

It's an animal farm.

It's driving me crazy.

Just barking, barking, barking, barking, barking.

How many are you fostering?

You right now look very Mormon.

Your hair, very Christian, very religious.

Me?

I don't like it.

Really?

Yeah, your hair, I don't like it.

It looks too...

You look so like, you know, knock, knock, knock.

Would you like to hear about Jehovah?

Can I tell you about Jesus Christ?

And I don't like it.

Can I tell you about Jesus?

Tell me about him.

He's the Savior.

I know he is.

Let me tell you what he did for you.

What?

You know what? Can I say something about that? No one's ever tried to save me. Well, you're unsavable.
Why is that? I've seen, I've walked through malls. People look at you and they go, can't save that guy.
There's no way to save you. You've got to, I can't be saved.
No, no, no. I want to be, try.
They're not going to. I want to be saved.
I have a soul. Save me, baby.
Look, you've already saved yourself. No, but I – what? You went to rehab.
You already saved yourself. No, but I just want – And they can smell that on you.
The strangers look at me like if I'm like – one time I was in San Antonio. Yeah.
And there was a man handing out pamphlets and little pamphlets. Yeah.
You're right? And I was walking by him. People were getting pamphlets from him.
Yeah. I went to Lord Jesus.
And I stuck my hand out and he didn't do nothing. Yeah.
No pamphlet. He was not going to help with you.
Why? I don't know. That's like the guys in Vegas, the Mexican guys that hit the hooker cards, you know? Yeah.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. I never get them from them.
They don't, they think I'm not. Or like star maps people.
Oh yeah. Star maps people, they never try to get me a map.
Do you know how fun this would be if me and you pretended to know star maps? We should do a fake star maps when Pandy's over and take people to houses that aren't real. Can I say something? Why would I care where Marlon Brando lives? Dude, you've lived in Southern California your whole life, right? But who gives a fuck where Marlon Brando lives? I'm explaining.
And then you drive by his house and go, oh, there he is. He's probably sleeping.
People take. He's in the cemetery.
What did he say? Why did you say you fucking goon? You fucking European goon. Shut your fucking mouth.
What did he say? The cemetery? I don't know. The cemetery.
He's dead. Marlon Brando.
He's not dead. Oh, that's not.
He's not dead. He's not dead.
Yeah. One of the greatest actors of our generation.
You know who I found out? I was watching Coming to America tonight. The part two? Part one.
Oh. No, one no the original but it some of the jokes are so bad you're like some of this is not funny it's so funny because some of it's really funny and some of it's just not funny sexual chocolate's funny hilarious sexual chocolate was funny but then when they go looking for girls at the beginning it's not funny it's not funny you're just like because the one girl is like lighting her hand on fire and she's like uh you know i'm possessed by the devil yeah and they're like next and you're like what it's it was some of it's not some of it when eddie's doing the characters it's the best the whole movie should have been him interacting with himself all the time right like every stranger should have been an eddie murphy character it's also funny that movie there's one guy that didn't have a very big scene at the time, he didn't know that he'd be a bigger star than all of them.
Arsenio Hall? No. No, who? Samuel L.
Jackson. That's crazy.
Isn't that crazy? Yeah, that is crazy. Because he played the crack addict in the...
He's a crackhead. Yeah.
At the McDonald's or something? McDowell's. McDowell's, right? He goes crazy, right? Yes.
And he probably at the time, right? God damn, I got fucking... Again.
12 lines? Yeah. Right? And then all of a sudden, like, he owns the world.
Well, it's the same thing with Chris Rock in that movie. Oh, that was great.
When he put the crack at it? Yeah. Why can't I think of the movie? What movie was that? He was pretty good in that.
When he goes, got changed for 100. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was really good. Yeah.
His lips were all, I remember watching it. Was that all ashy and white? All ashy.
Yeah, and cracked out? Yeah, yeah. Because the guy goes, how much for just one rehab? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he goes, got changed for a hundred. And he's like, get up, bottom muscle.
So you grew up watching black films, huh? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Anyway, no, I was going to say, I was watching the movie, and James Earl Jones, you know, who plays his father, King Kufi Kanan, whatever his name is. I was like, is he still alive? And I bet my old lady Cash.

Do you think he's still alive or not? Yes or no?

Oh, he's still alive.

I'm not going to tell you until everybody answers what they think.

Wait, so what part is it again? I wasn't listening.

What?

We made a bet if James Earl Jones

was still alive. James Earl Jones is alive.

So you think so or you know so?

To me, he is. Okay.
Do you think he's still alive or he's dead? She doesn't know who he is. I know that's the best part.
He's dead? Okay, great. What do you think, George? Dad! Dad, what do you think, Andres? He's alive.
He is alive. I know he's alive.
Andres, get off your phone! He's cheating. Do you know why I know he's alive? Because you just worked with him recently.
No, that's not... What yes i would never work with him really yeah you would never work with james they would never put me in anything with him and that's the right way to say it that's what i want i wanted to say yeah you said it came out weird it came out weird you said i would never but he i'm such a huge james earl jones you know what also movie he was in that no no one's not even aware of he's the voice of lion king he's the voice of the father and i understand understand that.
He's also Darth Vader. Yes.
Everybody knows that. Here's another thing that he was that people don't know.
What? He was in the movie Dr. Strangelove.
As what? He was in the airplane in the beginning of the movie. He was one of the pilots? No, he was one of the guys in the pilot.
Yeah. He was? Yeah.
Here's another thing that people don't know. Go ahead.
Keep talking. I want to look it up.
People don't realize that Lawrence Fishburne was in Apocalypse Now. No, I think people do know that.
I think people do know that. I guess no.
James Earl Jones in Dr. Strangelove.
Wow. Well, it came up so fast.
Oh, right.

No, don't go right all of a sudden out of nowhere.

Right.

I said the pilot?

Look at this guy.

That's Rick Glassman.

A better Rick Glassman.

Yeah.

Here we go.

Hold on.

Music?

We probably can't, huh?

One of the funniest movies ever made, I think.

Dr. Strangelove?

Yeah.

I laughed so hard in this movie.

Look at how bad that CGI is.

He'll come up in a second.

Which one is he?

He said, One of the funniest movies ever made, I think. Doctor Strangelove? Yeah.
I laughed so hard in this movie. Look at how bad that CGI is.
He'll come up in a second. Which one is he? He's not the white guy, obviously, you fuck.
What do you mean he's not white? I'm flying. He has one line.
There he is. There he is.
There he is. That was it.
That was him. He was a pilot.
I said he was one of the pilots. That's how little he is in the movie.
Yeah. And I'm still watching it.
You jones he's so talented he's everything he and yes of course i watch black films did you watch all the black films when you were a kid what he sounds like when you're making love when he comes oh yeah what if when he comes he goes yeah he gets real high oh yeah oh yeah Dark side. Dark side? Yeah.
Welcome to the dark side.

You think he says that?

I don't know. When he shoots? Anyway, look, I watched Carl coming to America.
Yoda coming would be weird. What would he say? I don't know.
You will be. I don't know what he would say.
Came I just. Yeah, but he...
Came I just, yeah. But I think his cum would be like...
A little piece of seaweed would come out, I feel like. I feel like a little him comes out of his penis.
What do you mean a little him? Like a little baby Yoda. Yeah, yeah.
Like a little Yoda comes out of... But like more liquid form.
Yeah, it's more goopy Yoda. Goopy, yeah.
Right. Almost bodiless.
But you could see the little green eyes. Boneless, boneless, yeah.
Oh, boneless.

My bad.

No, boneless Yoda.

My bad.

You're boneless. Yeah, it's late, and I sometimes don't know what I'm saying.

Do you like boneless wings, or do you like bone-in wings when you eat chicken wings?

Yeah, I don't like the bone.

The reason why I don't like bone is because I don't eat it right.

And Kalilah and this fucking piece of shit right here.

Hey, hey, be nice.

It's a new year.

What did I get you for Christmas?

The cane.

The rug.

Anime rug.

Yeah, we heard the rug.

Yeah, I got your rug.

Anyway, whenever I eat bone, the bone.

Right, bone wings.

Wings with bone.

Well, anything with bone.

Like a bone.

Boxing bone.

Bone?

Bone.

Ribs with bones?

Yeah.

You're white privileged, the way you eat that.

What does that even mean?

Because I don't eat like the cartilage and, you know what I mean?

You eat like a white guy eats.

I don't eat part of the bone part, you know what I mean?

Crunch on the fucking ligament.

I'm on your team.

I don't need to eat that.

It's like, I ate all the meat parts, you fucking animal. Yeah, you animal

savage. She's like, yeah, you're not, you know,

it's like when we eat fish with my mom.

She eats the brain

and the eyes and stuff. Why? Yeah, I just eat the body.

They eat the body. Yeah.

But they do say the other stuff has the most protein

and nutrients in it. I don't eat a thick, bro.

Good call, dude. You eat all of it,

don't you? Yeah. Savage.

Savage. Savage.

Yeah, they eat, and it's like

this animal right here.

I think it's like this animal right here.

Because every night I order Postmates.

I know.

And sometimes I go to good places.

Or sometimes Grubhub.

All the time, Grubhub.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait, no, tell me.

What is it?

DoorDash.

It was a joke, guys.

So what?

No, you order food every night. Right, so I'll go to like, you know what? Tonight I'll go to Morton's.
Something like that. How often do you get Morton's? Every other week, maybe.
You like steak cold? It's not that. It's just the idea that I can.
Money-wise. I just do.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You flex a little. On who? On Kalilah and Rudy do you ever does she ever pay for delivery no but I'll always go what do you want she goes don't worry about it I'll eat my own you'll eat your own what and I'll go what do you eat leftovers we have leftover food like something like we'll get like two months ago some Vietnamese guy will randomly come over he.
He's not Vietnamese. Who's this guy? Who's this guy? I think Kalaya's friend.
He's white. He's white? You think he's Vietnamese? Yeah, he'll come over and go, hey, here you go and give us, this is a restaurant by my house.
I bought you food. And I'll take two bites just to be courteous, right? Yeah.
And then I'll just put it in the fridge. And then she'll eat it two months later like an animal.
Not two months. How long? Two weeks.
Two weeks is fine. I think it's...
Two weeks? Dude, I think food in the fridge can last a couple of weeks. What kind of meat? It's cooked, right? Yeah, it's like, no, not two weeks.
What kind of food is it? A day or two. What food is it? Anything.
She'll eat anything that's like, yeah. They survive, dude.
But I'm offering her good food. Like anything.
You know what I mean? She won't take it. She's like, no, I don't want it.
And then like yesterday I asked her. She's like, I don't want it.
I'm fine. I got my own.
And then I come downstairs. And she's like in the corner.
You know, she eats like in a corner for some reason. Covered up? She just has this like hunchy thing.
There's a hunchy thing, right? And she also sits on the chair like this. Does she really? Yeah, like a gargoyle.
She's like a gargoyle. And she sits there like that.
And when you walk in the room, her back's turned. It's always dim light.
Dude, you're a horror movie. Yeah, it's like a dim light, right? This is a horror movie.
And she's eating something. I go, what the fuck is she eating, right? And I go, what are you eating? She goes, I got McDonald's.
I go, but an hour ago, you know what I mean? I was going to order you something better. Yeah, no, she got McDonald's.
She got her on her own. I don't think you like taking things from me.
Like you think that I'm going to like hold it over you for some reason. No.
If I'm going to order food for myself, I'll order for everybody. Don't be like a fucking gargoyle.
I'm not. What did you get for McDonald's? A fried chicken burger, ice cream, and nuggets.
A fried chicken burger? You mean a chicken sandwich? Yeah. She's in school.

So you get a fried chicken sandwich, nuggets, and...

Ice cream. What kind of ice cream?

The chocolate sundae.

Chocolate sundae. They're pretty good.

No, they're so good. I know.

McDonald's, though, the breakfast, I can't give it up.

The Wendy's, was it the freeze?

That freeze? Oh, the

frosty?

Forget about it. Fuck me.
I'll eat it right now. Suck it.
Suck it right now. Yeah, suck it right in my mouth.
Oh, did you hear 101 Cafe closed down? Permanently, forever. Never coming back.
Good. You know what's so funny? What? Everyone was being sweet online.
Like, oh man, I used to go hang out there all the time. I mean, we would go after shows.
Yeah. But like, I was also like, it was the most expensive diner I ever went to.
It was like nine bucks for eggs. No, but you're right I have good memories there yeah there's some memories I've had so sad that's where I met David Cho really yeah I was sitting there he was a cook there huh David Cho was cooking at 101 Cafe that's David Chang you're thinking of same guy no David Chang is the fucking chef David Cho's the artist the artists are chefs are chefs.
I know. But did you get them confused? Yeah.
You're dumb. Yeah.
Yeah. Save.
I just don't pay attention to Asians. Also, Asian and artist, that's an oxymoron.
Multimillion dollar artist. There's a lot of Asians that are multimillionaires.
David Cho. Street artist.
Oh, I do know who this is. Yeah, you do.
No, yeah, I do know who that is. Okay, anyway.
But I like David Chang better. David Cho, I see this guy, and he's dressed like a warlock.
And it's not Halloween. He's literally dressed like a warlock walking down in the 101 cafe late at night.
And I can tell when they're Korean. Well, you guys can smell each other, right? Isn't there like a – there's got to be something that gives you an indication.
Everything you say. No, no, no.
I mean like you guys internally. Like I know when there's another...
Like you think I smell like lychee fruit? No. You have an internal thing that you vibrate.
I just have this pudgy kind of face that I like. Yeah, the look.
That I like. You know what I mean? So I go and he sat next to me.
Just sat right... Oh, you were up at the singles? He goes, yeah.
I'm the artist.

He goes, David Cho.

I go, yeah, yeah.

And he goes, you're a comedian, right?

Yeah.

And then I – then he goes, I have a podcast with Ase Kira, the porn star.

Porn star, yeah.

And so Kalilah and I did it, and that's how we started Tiger Belly.

That was the beginning.

Yeah, because we were a regular on David Cho's podcast, and then it was called DVD ASA.

And they one day just decided not to do it anymore, and then me and Kala went, let's just start our own and we grabbed a little bit of their audience because, well, that makes sense because it was a Korean and a porn star and you're a Korean and Kala's a porn star I understand that, that transition makes sense you picked up where they left off when you attack my family don't roll your eyes And the way you roll your eyes is so fucking, it's so like 80s drama. I can't even do what you do.
You roll both of them up and I can't even do it. It's like, you know, it's so 80s drama.
Your eyes don't go up that high. No, it's just dumb.
This is white privilege. Because it's so obvious.
This is white privilege. I hate it.
That's wild that David Cho had a podcast with. How long did they do it for? They did it a lot.
Why Asakira, I wonder? Because they're friends in Asakira. Does she still do porn? She did some, I think.
But she has a kid now, and she lives in a different state. You know who – there was a comic that dated a porn star.
I don't want to say her name. And she stopped doing porn for a long time.
And I just saw online. You know when your Twitter's like suggestions of people that you're friends with? Yeah.
And it suggested her again and she's doing porn again. I really am always interested in why they go back.
Because once you quit, don't you think you've got to get out? Like that's kind of like you don't go back into the arena. I feel like once you're done, you're done.
Yeah. Once you quit porn, it'd be hard to be like, I'm going to come back.
There was a comic named Thomas Ward. Thomas Ward? I don't know.
You never knew him. No.
This was before your time. Yeah.
And I did open mics with Thomas. Right.
And then, you know, he looked just like Bill Cosby. In fact, yeah, he did some parody Bill Cosby porn.
You know how they say it? You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah And it's like he played Cosby Yeah All the porno? Yeah, yeah, so I'd be at the porn store And I would see him on the cover of this parody porn Bill Cosby thing And in my head, right, I'm like Oh, he's just doing comedy, like he's doing an impression In the porno? You You think he's a comedian in porn? No, he's playing Bill Cosby in a porn Where everyone else is fucking in the porn Oh, you think he's not having sex But he's not in it, he's a comic He's in it I remember going, he's pretty good He was good, huh? Yeah, I remember going Sometimes you dread it Even I see like a comic in a movie or a TV show that didn't think it was an actor and I get relieved. Like, oh, they're pretty good.
Like Nick Youssef – I was on a show called Animal Practice. With the monkey.
With the monkey. And Nick Youssef got a part in it.
I think I helped him with the audition or whatever. Okay.
But I couldn't believe they hired him.

Like, I remember the cast

going, oh, yeah,

we hired that guy, Nick.

What do you mean?

Because he did a bad job?

I don't know.

I never knew him as an actor.

I just knew him as a comic.

Right.

Oh, yeah.

So I remember being on set, right?

And his scene was after

one of the scenes I was in.

So I got to stay.

And I was behind the monitor, right?

And as soon as he opened

his mouth, I just left.

Why?

Because I'm like, oh, he knows what he's doing.

Oh, right.

You were worried at first.

I was worried at first, but he knew what he was doing.

And I was like, all right.

Did you think it was going to reflect badly on you?

No.

Because you didn't get him the role.

I did give, I'm going to name his name because he hates me.

But I did get one guy.

So there's one guy that asked me.

Please say his name.

I can't. Please.
Because there's a war and he wants to murder me. All right murder me Alright well look at me right now Say it and we'll bleep it out Go Okay Do you know him? Yeah What did you do? For why he's mad at me? Yeah No I don't want to get I don't want to redo that Alright well go ahead Well then talk about it again Don't do it eyes again.
You're 80s fucking. That's my white privilege.
Yeah. See you on the slopes, Chang.
Really good. Thanks.
So I go, I was on MADtv and I go, you know what would be great for this part? Someone saw. I said to the casting director.
The guy, yeah. And she goes, yeah, I don't know him.
I go, I'll call him. He'll come in.
And I go, I'll sit in that room with him. I was like, when he's auditioning, I'll just be in the room, right? So I sit next to the casting director.
And you have a piece of paper? Yeah. So I'm sitting there.
He comes in. As soon as he walks in, I went, in my mind, I'm like, uh-oh.
Why? Because of his vibe? No, he was just devastating nervousness. Oh, he was obviously...
Yeah, yeah. He was like...
His face was going... You know what I mean? He was so nervous, right? And I was just like, holy fuck, right? Why were you in there? Because he was my friend.
I was seeing him on Disney. See, that's weird.
The casting director should have made you leave. I know.
I shouldn't have been there. No, that's not okay.
I regret it. I regret it.
That's so uncomfortable. It's uncomfortable.
I'm uncomfortable. Yeah, yeah.
I did that. Anyway, so I go, all right, well, I just wanted to get it over with.
All right. Just go, right? And he picks up the script like this, right? The sides, right? Always be off book, by the way.
Yeah. I always have it, but I have it memorized.
Sure. And he does this.
He's so nervous. He's so nervous.
He's so nervous. The thing is going like this.
Right. You can hear it.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, normally, Cassidy Drew would be like, okay, thank you.
Right. Or you want to go on and prepare or something.

Right.

They would say, do you want to take a minute?

I just went, keep going.

Let's do it.

Let's finish.

Right?

Let's finish it.

I just want to get rid of him.

And it just got worse and worse and worse.

And he couldn't get a word out.

Right?

And we were up there probably 45 minutes.

Because I wanted to get something on tape.

Wait.

So you kept trying?

Yeah, we kept trying.

And he's just sweating.

You know what I mean? Oh, man. And just shaking no he hates me and then I called him and then I told him I think I go I'm such a piece of shit I go you did pretty we're gonna go I said I said we're gonna go with it in a different direction right but you almost got it, dude.
So mean, dude. That's so mean.
He goes, really? Yeah. Yeah.
It was just you. It was you.
Yeah. It's just that, yeah, because we know the other actress in it, and I just, you know, I don't think the chemistry's right, but it's not you personally.
Yeah, it was just, no, you know what is the vibe? It was just, didn't work this time. Since 1979, TireRack.com has been helping people find the right tires for how, what, and where they drive.
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Visit bestwestern.com for complete terms and conditions i can't i can't say this guy's name because here we go but he's a friend he's a friend he listens to this show he's a friend yeah and uh he was auditioning for a movie uh that a friend of ours was making and it was in one of those you ever go into those audition rooms or those it's like a it's like a commercial office and it's a ton of rooms. It's like seven rooms and they're auditioning in like all of them, right? And most of the time they're closed off and they're walled.
Well, this had, it was glass. It was like an office you could see right into it.
And he's sitting there, he does the audition and he kills. He's so fucking funny.
He's a super funny dude. And then he gets up and he's like, all right, well, thank you.
Like he was so confident, he was so stoked that he killed him he's like thank you and they were like thank you he's like take it easy and didn't turn and right into the glass in front of everybody just smashes his face and then he's like oh well oh oh that would have got a laugh but it was like a it was like a oh my god are you okay like it was loud yeah but I would have to me oh I would have died I would have been like I would have died if laugh. But it was like a, oh my God, are you okay?

Like it was loud. Yeah, but to me, I would have been like.

I would have died.

If I did that?

He laughed.

Okay, good.

No, but I mean, they were concerned he hit it so hard.

Right.

He's also a big guy.

So it wasn't like boom.

It was like.

I mean, he shook the fucking glass.

Yeah.

So they were like, oh, dude, are you okay?

Yeah.

His face is pure red from hitting the window.

And you know what the worst part was? He didn't get in the movie. He didn't get it? No.
It was just because it didn't work out, but he deserved to be in there. He deserved to be in it.
It's just it wasn't – they weren't going to have the role. Have you ever walked into the lobby of an audition and thought, oh, I should just leave? I mean almost every time I've done it.
No, but you see who's in the room. Yeah, I'll give you one.
I'm not going to name the cast director because she's famous. And I've gone for her like one time.
And I'm talking like I'm going up against like actual famous people, like very famous people. I have literally no chance.
Shia LaBeouf is there. Oh, yeah.
Why am I there? Yeah, yeah. Literally, why am I there? Yeah, yeah.
I see Shia LaBeouf outside smoking, reading lines in the patio area. Yeah.
If you know what I'm talking about, you know. And I have to go up a couple of stairs.
I'm nervous seeing Shia LaBeouf. Is this place, though, in, let me just ask you this.
Just a little bit. Is it in Santa Monica, Madison area? Yes.
Or is it in Echo Park? No, Santa Monica. I know what it is.
Yeah. Yeah.
That place is a nightmare. So I have to go up the stairs that place is a nightmare it is and you can see through the stairs you know stairs that have that place and i'm walking up the stairs and i see shiloh and i'm kind of staring at him smoking yeah yeah the door is opening someone's leaving i trip on the top stairs i'm not kidding yeah i trip on the top stair yeah and in my mind i'm like go back to your car go back to your car go back to your car i was like just leave yeah just leave i want i dude i was so they all saw me yeah he looked up he was smoking looked up like oh is that is that idiot redheaded guy okay yeah and everyone looked at oh my god and i sat there like just i mean you know what dripping with sweat because you're just yeah i'm so embarrassed i those feelings of i should have just gone and you know? I should have gone home.
Of course I didn't get it.

Why was I there?

You know Wendy O'Brien?

I love Wendy O'Brien. One of the best.

In the business. You know she's put me in almost everything I've done.

She put me in Davey.

Yeah, I've auditioned 50 things for her.

Not one thing. She's told me that.

Not one thing. She's told me that.

But she's the one person where I went, I'm not going to get it. Right.
I here I'm gonna kill it and I'm not gonna get it but I will go because she's so nice because she's one of those people that she'll bring you in yeah because you deserve to be there yeah but it's not her final call the casting directors don't have the final call I understand that but I'm not gonna get it I ask Kalilah yeah Every time I get one from her, you have to drive on Santa Monica Boulevard. Yeah.
Off with – yeah. Well, now she's on – It's kind of industrial area.
Yeah, it's in India. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's in an industrial park. Right.
So whenever I park there and I go – there are times where I've walked out of there and asked Kalilah. I said, I think I got it.
From Wendy. Yeah.
Didn't happen. Didn't happen.
Never happened. Let's give her a call.
No, don't call her. I'm going to call her right now.
Please don't. I like her so much.
Don't do it right now. It's late.
Hello? Wendy. Yeah.
Wendy, it's Santino, as you know. You're on, look, you're on my podcast, and Bobby wants to ask you something.
Hi, Bobby. Hi, Wendy.
How are you? Good. I was just watching Harold and Kumar's Christmas.
Oh, my God. Residuals.
Residuals for me. For you in your pocket.
We were just saying that you're like one of the best casting directors in L.A. and that we just love coming to see you.
That's all. And what did – no.
What else did you say? Wendy, he needs to tell you something honestly. What did I say? He's a little upset that after all these years he – I didn't see you.
That he comes out to see you and then he can't book with you. What? Is that, no, is that true? I have a picture of you with Boobies.
Dream Corps, if you had a nice set of... Oh, yeah.
Dream Corps. I was in Dream Corps.
So you did book with her. Yes, I did.
So you lied. You lied to our fans.
Okay. Can I just say this, though? Yeah.
All right. Number one, I didn't know that you were going to call Wendy.
I know. That's why I sprung this on you.
And now I'm watching. Yeah, you are.
I'm partly kind kind of Because I love Wendy so much, I'm partly angry at you I'm like rageful almost But also embarrassed And so right now I'm going to say Thank you so much for Dream Corps Wendy, I will read for you As many times as you want me to read I love you so much You know I love you Wendy, what he said was We talked about you and said how much he really enjoyed you. And he was like, I love her.
I'll read for her no matter what. Truthfully, that's what he said.
He said, no matter what I go, and I said, she's my favorite. And I said, well, why don't we give her a call, and you can tell her how you feel.
I love it. I literally was just watching you.
It was two nights ago. It came on.
I'd never seen any of the Harold and Kumar's before, but there you were. And I only stayed watching it because it's a scene with you in the office.
See? Thank you. And I was like, that's so good.
You look so good in the scene. You look so good.
And I thought, you're so good. See? You're so talented, by the way.
Thank you so much, Wendy. And I got to tell you something.
Wendy is, Wendy's going to gonna be casting something huge and she said they need Asians for it, so I think you might be in it. Wendy, I'll let you go.
I love you very much. Bye.
Bye, guys. Number one.
Take the jacket off. It's getting warm in here anyway.
Honestly? Honestly. No, let me finish.
She loves you. Let me do it.
Honestly. Honestly.
But tell the story. No, I'm not going to tell the story.
Honestly, I want to say this. Okay.
Honestly. Honestly.
Honestly. Okay.
Rudy, what's been going on with you lately? I'm fine. You're fine because you're acting a little bit weird.
You've been coming here acting really weird? Yeah, your vibe is strange No, I'm doing good You're doing very good? Yeah Alright, we're going to catch up with you in a second Hold on, Bob, you ready? Yeah Say what you need to say Go ahead So, and I'm going to just be completely truthful with you Yeah Rudy, remember that guy that you said you were going to go on a date with? Yeah. What happened with that? I ignored him.
Smart. Smart girl.
Alright, Bob, go ahead. Go ahead, Papa.
Honestly? Please don't do that again. Talk to Rudy? Yeah.
Why? She's my fave. Because I was literally in a rage.
I know. I'm calming you down.
I was in a rage. I know.
And that's not helping. You trying to be me this year? This year are you going to be me and I'm going to be you? No, no, that wasn't helping.
That was putting more fuel on the fire. I got it.
And I almost snapped. Relax.
But don't do that again. Relax.
So go ahead. Get it out.
But don't do that again. As someone who's been doing comedy for 30 years.

Do not do that again.

When you say don't, what am I supposed to do?

If you do it again.

In comedy this long, when you say don't.

If you do it again, I'm going to leave.

Yeah, okay.

And then you'll have to come back.

And then you'll have to close your eyes again.

Yeah, white privilege.

All right?

Okay.

Piece of fucking garbage. it Bro you Dude this is good You're me this year and I'm you this year Bro bro My stomach is bubbling so bad I don't give a fuck Cause I have bubble guts today Yeah yeah Let me say something You are on my last fucking nerve right now.
Mm-hmm. It's just fucking driving me crazy with your fucking attitude, man.

Yeah. All right?

You know, I've dealt with your bullshit for a fucking year.

Yeah, what bullshit?

Everything you do.

I'm fucking pure and simple good guy.

Okay.

I'm pure and simple a good guy.

What happened today that you got in such a bad mood?

I don't even know.

It doesn't matter.

You know, when people wake up and it's just a fucking bad day. Your life is great.
What happened? I know it is. I just had a bad day.
Tell me what happened. Right.
But what I'm just saying is that I get in the car. I drive here.
First of all, our food comes at 7 fucking 50, right? Because it's two hours late, right? It's cold because it's outside. You know what I mean? All my shit's soggy.
Let me – that face... Wipe that face off your face, man.
Keep that face up. Keep that face on your face.
Go down and get it. It doesn't come up for another 20 minutes.
And then so it's now 7... She's rolled her eyes.
7.50. I'm like, if we don't get in the car right now, Andrew's gonna be mad at me because we're fucking late.
Roll your eyes. Let me see you roll your eyes.
Oh, it's bad. Do it.
Try it. Yeah, there we go.
Yeah, that was good. So, um, late, right? Yeah, you're saying, I'm gonna be late.
We're gonna be late. So I couldn't really even eat the food because I was really getting late.
What about ordering the food earlier? We did. We ordered it at 6.
Your food didn't get there for an hour and 45 minutes. Yeah, yeah, because it was from the other side of town.
It was a big order. Right.
Came back soggy. And so then I, um, get in the car.
I come here. And I'm like, I was doing like You know, just, you know Just be mindful of Andrew and be nice And then I come in here And the rage Is still there, but then it's like You, it started with your eyes Rolling back in the back of your head That was like fucking You, you know, nagging me.
Yeah. It was just like boop, boop.
Here's how good of a day you had. You woke up late in the day.
You sat around and played video games and then you ordered food. Never played video games one time.
Not today? No. Wow.
That's why you're pissed off. That's not why.
Why are you mad then? What could have happened today? Wait, wait, wait. Remember the time that you got all dizzy and you fucking hit your head on the thing? Remember that pussy move that you did? Ooh, I can't fuck, you know what I mean? Did I give you shit about that? Yeah, you did! I know, but my point is that...
No, that is the point! I know, but the point is that we have weird days where we No, that wasn't a weird day! We take a shit and we go, ooh, I'm dizzy and we hit our head on the fucking thing! So did you hit your head on something? No, I'm just saying. We just had, you know, so today was my dizzy head.
Something had to be the catalyst. Today was my dizzy head day.
Yeah, but it had a catalyst. Something was a catalyst.
Nothing was a catalyst. We, you know.
Because when you say I had a bad day. We were watching a, I woke up and she was watching some, it wasn't Love Island, but it was some sort of MTV show where a bunch of fucking reality kids are in an island.
In Hawaii. No, just listen, right? And they're like trying to match up with each other.
Love Island? It's not Love Island. It's American.
Oh. It was that type of show.
And then, you know, I was watching it. I did five episodes of it.
Oh, that made you mad. No, I was just watching it, and I was just kind going, I didn't know what, because it wasn't the first episode.
It was like, I saw episode four on. Right.
So I don't know who's with what and I don't know why this show is on. I don't know why there's interest.
Right. And I just see a bunch of young, good looking people.
Yeah. I mean, go, you know, go ahead.
You know, I don't know if Johnny likes me, but I'm going to fuck his friend Billy. You know what I mean?

And then Billy's just like, yeah. Yeah, fuck fucking Savannah.
But you know what, dude? It's like I don't really like her. Margo's my girl.
Yeah, yeah. And it's like all of this going on and I'm watching just hours of it, right? And inside I'm like I want to kill everyone on this island.
But you couldn't stop watching it. I couldn't stop watching it.
And then it was like, in my early 20s, I would never. You know who would be asked to be on that show? In York? As a comic? Theo Vaughn.
He was on Rio. I know we can't mention that.
He hates it. He's a little snap.
We cannot bring that up. Why? He's not here.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
One time he told me. He goes, yo, man.
Don't talk about it anymore? I'll never talk about talk about that again well because you said it on a podcast no I brought it over that way oh you brought him on stage on stage yeah yeah oh right I think you've told me this story he got pissed off from road rules yeah and he just didn't like it right so um but dude everyone has a terrible thing in their past that they I know so what I know you don't think most of the things I did on mad tv I'm embarrassed about sometimes people used to bring me up to Punk'd like last year I was like what? it was a decade ago Club Stilbergo from MADtv it's like I did that fucking 12-15 years ago do you think some kids don't know what that is? do you think like I don't want them to know you really don't want but you were no I don't but see it's something you should be proud of because you were good on it. No, it's not that – listen, I was on a show for eight years.
They're like a family to me. Yeah.
And it was my first television experience. It was cool.
But you want to move forward. No, it's just – and also it's like I didn't – I never really – I couldn't like ride that wave.
It wasn't a wave you could ride. Yeah.
You know, some people get like a big thing and they can ride it into something else. I couldn't.
I almost had to go back on the beach, get a new board, and then swim back out. Yeah, but it's also because you're not – your priority was always like being funny and not – marketing is not – you don't do that thing.
I don't know how to do that. No, it's...
I'm just kind of just me.

I'm not great at it either.

It's really hard to do. I'm just using...

You know, Bobby Lee is the...

is my franchise, you know?

Selling this.

I mean, it's selling like hotcakes right now.

It's not selling...

I'm just...

This is what I'm selling.

So my point is,

I was watching this fucking...

A bunch of fucking...

Hot people.

Black and Mexican.

Ew!

You know what I mean?

Oh, white, okay. You know what I mean? And they get to go do free – they do free fucks.
Right. They drink and they fuck and they party.
They get free fucks. And in my 20s, I had to pay for it, grovel.
Right. Right.
I was never invited to the party. So this is just jealousy.
And I watched hours of it, and I think maybe that's what it is. Yeah, I do agree with you.

I think it's because it's like a—

And then I order food, and nobody listens to me.

Go get the food, and, you know, look at her face.

Look at her face.

You know what I mean?

I get you a rug, and I bring you a big dog.

Let everybody see your cool shirt, your Hunter Hunter shirt.

Who gave you that?

Tito Bobby.

Interesting. Very interesting.
That's an interesting fact, actually. Very interesting.
What did you say when he gave it to you? Who gave you that? Tito Bobby Interesting

Very interesting

That's an interesting fact actually What did you say when he gave it to you? I said thank you, I really love it Did you give him a big hug? A little hug You don't like hugs from her do you? No I do like hugs Let me ask you this Jules Sometimes I'll go Hug? And what do you say? No No, because he chokes me That makes perfect sense I've never choked you before in your life I think we're figuring something out here I've choked you When did I choke you? Last week I put my hands around your neck and I choked you You could choke from the side side. You don't need to do...
Side! Yeah, it's a side. That's a hug.
Choke. Hug.
Choke. Look at the way you're doing it.
Choke. What? That's a choke.
Yeah, but this is not her head. Stop.
Pause. Pause.
Look at your body figure. Her head's here.
This is a choke form. This is choke.
Her head is right here. Choke.
And I'm hugging her. Choke.
You think her head is here? Yeah, her little head right here. No, no, no.
Her head's here and I'm hugging like this. Strong hug.
I love you. Choke.
Yeah, yeah. So it hurts is what she's saying when you hug her sometimes.
It doesn't hurt. She's a delicate little girl.
You should see what I do to her mom. I beat the shit out of her mom.
I fart on her mom's face when she's sleeping. I don't give a fuck.
Why do you do that to her mom? Fuck, honey. That's her mom.
I know. Yeah, yeah.
I have a video on my Instagram where she's sleeping on, her mom, right, is sleeping on my couch in my hotel room, right? Oh, and you fart on her. I take out the hole.
That's so gross. From the tap, right? And I fucking, you know, unload one on her.
You're so, that's so mean. ID Tech, the first and most trusted tech camp is where kids ages 7 to 17 find their people

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Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
I fucking... I decide.
Because I'm a good guy. I decide, you know what? I'll take some of these fucking people, you know what I mean? These immigrantos.
Immigrantos. These immigrantos.
I want to take them to the greatest place in the world. Where is that? Disneyland.
Texas. Disneyland.
Oh, yeah. Right? So you bring these, you know, immigrantos to Disneyland, right? Right.
You buy the little... Mickey Mouse ears.
Is that the mouse? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You put the ears? Yeah. Right, you give them the...
What's that? Flag? The wand. Oh, fishing wire? Oh, the Mickey wand? The wand.
Yeah. Right, right? You give them...
Boobs? No, food, food. Oh, you feed them? You feed it? You feed them? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You feed them? Well, you throw it at them. You're right.
You don't give it to them. Catch it with your mouth.
Yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh.
So then, you know, we're going and I go, hey, so let's go on Space Mountain. No.
What? Right. The immigrants didn't want to go on Space Mountain.
No, we don't do. Yes, you do do.
You do do. You do do when I bring you.
Yeah, yeah. You do do.
Then we go to another ride. No, scary.
We don't do. Tower of Terror didn't want to do it.
Oh, that one? So now that's called what? The Guardians of the Galaxy? Yeah. Right? Yeah? It's called Guardians of the Galaxy now.
They made it scarier. Wait, Tower of Terror is gone? Yeah.
One of my favorite rides. They made it scary.
It's now Guardians of the Galaxy. Guardians of the Galaxy.
It's scarier. Really? Yeah.
It's so fucking scary. Do people still die in it? I go get in the night.
No. Wow.
They just sat on a bench and watched this ride. What? How rude is that? Why? I did most of the rides.
You did Guardians of the Galaxy. Only Guardians of the Galaxy I did.
Why didn't you do it? Yeah, what for? I was really scared. Oh, grow up.
Really scared. What could happen? Disney's a major corporation.
You think they're going to let you die or get hurt on that ride? No, but I was just scared. That's right.
No one's going to die. Just take the hit.
So I told them I'd go. I do think people die at least once a year on those things.
Yeah. But the odds.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
The odds. It's not going to happen.
But you know where I want to take them now? Next time they're in town? Knott's Berry Farm Magic Mountain oh yeah Six Flags but they'll never go on any of that shit no you said you would I would no you won't those are way scarier than Disneyland those are way bigger those things when you look at those things you're like can I do it? you're in line you're like what am I doing? That's how scary they are. No, they're freaky.
You don't even know how to get in. You got to put your ankles in a little metal thing.
Well, this thing. Well, this thing.
Click, click, click, click, click, click, click, click. When they lock you in.
But then also you start by flipping over sometimes. Yeah, you're forward.
Yeah, they go. Summer's starting.
I know. It's so freaky.
Oh, I love it. We all got to go.
Wait, don't make a face. What's that face? What's that face? I'm scared.
No, you gotta go. Again, how many people die a year? No, I'm afraid I'm gonna pee on my pants.
Oh, seriously? In your pants or on? She takes her pants off and just pees on them. Approximately four deaths annually in the United States associated with roller coasters.
Although traumatic injuries resulting in the deaths of roller coasters patron tend to receive the most needed. Four deaths.
That's too much for my fucking blood, I think. Four.
That's not that many people. How many rides are there, though? 20? Well, this is only in the United States.
Oh, isn't it? Okay. Four deaths.
How many people a year die at Disneyland? Yeah. Because there's got to be some.
A List of incidents reports. Oh, man, there's a whole list.
There's a lot. Like what? Well, this is negligence, part of the guest, part of the park.
Wow. Well, let's see.
Recently, on July 6, 2019, a fight broke out at Mickey's Toontown. After reports that a woman had spit into a man's face, the four people and their families were escorted off the property and charges were considered.
Like the Tower of Terror incident, it was filmed on camera phone uploaded to YouTube. What happened to Tower of Terror? Look at that.
2019 was the last time there was an altercation. Construction accident this year.
38-year-old construction worker was fatally injured when a steel plate fell on him while working in a trench. Oh, my God.

They tried to perform CPR, but he died.

Wow.

That's so sad.

That's a sad thing that happened to that guy.

But again, you know, you lose some, you lose some, I guess.

Parking structures?

Look at how many parking lot structures.

In Mickey's Toontown, what could provoke?

The fight broke out? Like, why would you? Hey, bro, you guys are skipping in line's Toontown, what could provoke? The fight broke out?

Like, why would you...

Hey, bro, you guys are skipping in line to Toontown, eh?

And then I would be like, hey, bro, my bad.

No, bro, not your bad, bro. We gotta throw down,

son. We've been here since

2.30. Are you gonna spit on me, bro?

Yeah, bro, back up, son!

Yeah. This has infectious diseases

too? Yeah. Between December 17th and 20th, visitors to the park were exposed to measles? Is that still around? And look where it's from.
Show her some of the rides at Magic Mountain. Oh yeah, you gotta see some of the Magic Mountain rides.
You gotta go on these. Hot.
Six Flags at the Park, baby. Magic Mountain, Six Flags.
It may be one of the best Six Flags ever. We had one in Chicago, outside Chicago.
It was called Great America. And they had the old, they had the American Eagle, was the wooden one.
Our rides. Okay, look, Apocalypse, all wood, sent from the future.
They still got Batman, which is crazy. Yeah.
The best one, I don't think they have anymore, Deja Vu. That was fun.
Well, no, it's not because it's in alphabetical order. Daffy's Adventure Tours and Dive Devil.
What's Dive Devil? That's one of those where you take a leap and it swings through the, you know? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Elmer's Weather Balloons? Yeah, forget that one.
And what's this photo they use? Yeah, Full Throttle. This is crazy.
This kind of shit is... Look at that.
Look at that. Bananas.
Bananas. You want to see what it looks like, Rudy? Yeah.
This is what we're going to do. We're going to do this.
As soon as Pandy's done... Look at it.
There it is. This is us on full throttle.
Oh, yeah, dude. And a lot of times people fall out right here.
People die. People die.
Ah, I'm dying. And they hit the rail.

They hit the rails.

And then the ground.

Right, they rail first.

Right, right.

And they break their neck.

And usually they end up, they don't actually die right away.

They take a watch.

These aren't as scary, though, when the loopy-de-loop ones.

No, I like the ones that are.

Yeah, I like the ones where you go straight from top all the way to the bottom.

There you go.

Yeah.

That's good diversity.

Yeah, yeah.

That's the one where it goes straight up.

See, I'm always afraid that these bars are going to break.

Yeah, well, look, it's on just like a hinge.

It's on like a –

It looks like a lollipop.

Yeah.

Yeah, but like lollipop material.

It's just like a hydraulic hinge.

What if this thing just decides to just be like fail, nip, nip, nip, and opens up?

Yeah.

Or you know how it doesn't – you know, like it locks?

Yeah, but –

I'm always afraid it's going to unlock.

Well, you know how it locks?

What?

But there's still some space.

All right. and opens up.
Yeah. Or you know how it doesn't, you know, like it locks? Yeah, but...
I'm always afraid it's gonna unlock.

Well, you know how it locks?

But there's still some space.

Do you know what I mean?

Like there's still,

it's still... Little space, yeah.

By the way, speaking of which,

have you seen the video

that circulated again

about DMX on the slingshot?

Uh-uh.

Come on.

Who's DMX?

DMX, the rapper.

What?

Oh, yeah.

This guy on the slingshot?

You've never seen this?

This is maybe one of the funniest videos I've ever seen in my entire life.

Has it gone yet?

No, he's amping himself up.

He's just getting excited to do it.

Just because he's nervous, so he has to yell.

Look at how fast he's breathing.

Look at his buddy.

Yeah. these are grown men keep going keep going no there's nothing happening they slowly let them down oh really yeah oh I like it when they pass out or they vomit on each other oh when people pass out pass out is my favorite.
Ugh, think of how your face is on this sweaty thing. This is my biggest pet peeve with rides and stuff.
Yeah. I mean, think about it.
Even pre-pandy, I hated touchy, gross, sweaty, blah, people all up in the thing. How rude would it be to just wipe it down? I would absolutely do that.
After a guy leaves, what if he turns around and looks at you?

And I go, you look gross.

It's not my fault. You look gross.

I would absolutely wipe off the...

In fact, do you think... I was talking to this.

Do you think people are going to start doing that now constantly?

Like when Pandy's over,

do you think that's just going to be the norm?

I mean, when I was on the flight,

you know what I mean? Everyone in first class

was like, you know what I mean? Wiping everything down. Yeah.
That's what I did. That's what I do.
You didn't wipe it down at all? No. I had two masks on.
Yeah, masks. And I had another fucking shield.
Were you touching it though? What? No, you know how I do it. You know what I mean? I snuck on like this.
I sat down, right? Yeah. I put the seatbelt on.
Right. And I put more, you know what I mean? Yeah, that's all.
And you don't, it's not like you use anything anymore. Well, I just figured like if some gets, COVID gets on my, first of all, you can't get it from surfaces, I heard.
You could if you touched it, it was fresh and you put it to your mouth or face or eyes. Yeah, but who are it so?

Here at Bad Friends, we're not licensed medical professionals.

We are comics with barely a high school diploma.

For medical information, go to the CDC website and, you know, don't fucking listen to us.

They have pictures of it.

Look at the COVID just hanging out, smoking.

No, but how long does COVID chill?

They don't really know.

A couple hours on certain services.

Andres' wife is in the medical.

Tell us, Andres.

Three days.

Three days.

All right, so if I, okay. So for instance, if there was COVID right here on this table, right? We cleaned this before everyone came in.
I know. I understand that.
But Andres? Yes. And I touched it, right? Yeah.
After like an hour. Yep.
And I put it in my eyeball. Why are you touching your eye? I put it in my eyeball, right? Could I eye i put it in my eyeball right could i get covid yes did we clean this desk this morning we do yeah we do every time yeah can you get covid from surfaces yeah no wait covid from surfaces i know from surfaces yeah i'll do it it may be possible that a person can get-19 by touching a surface or object that has the virus on it,

then touching their own mouth, nose, or possibly their eyes.

But this is not thought to be the main way.

Yeah, it's not the main way.

But it doesn't matter.

It's our way.

What?

It's got to be the main way, babe.

No, it's not.

That's like saying you can't get HIV from having non-butt sex.

No, it's like, you know— Butt sex is probably the most common way.

Not the main way.

But you could get it from non— What's the main way? Butt sex. Right.
What's the non-main way? Yeah. Vaginal sex.
Transfusion. Transfusion.
No, no. There's other ways to catch.
It's more like. I think that was a good example, Andres.
I know. I think.
Can you get HIV from spitting in somebody's mouth? No. But can you make out with somebody if you both have cuts inside your mouth? Still won't spread that way.
Even your cuts inside the mouth? Still won't spread that way. But if I had a cut on my dick and you were giving me a blowjob? Then the likelihood could be there.
Yes. Okay, so there we go.
So that's like what? Probably 0.1% gets it that way. It's happened.
Right. There was a guy.
I'm willing to take the risk. There was a guy that had a huge cut on it.
I'm willing to take the risk on that.

All right, well, I guess I'm going to

If I have a cut on my dick

and you have a cut in your fucking thing

and I have HIV or you have HIV

I'm willing to take the risk.

Well, if you have HIV

and you're going to give it to me

then you don't care at all.

Okay, but even if you had HIV

and you had a cut in your mouth

and I had a cut on my dick

I would fucking risk it.

You would?

Yeah.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

That seems silly to me. Because it's probably .001% chance to get it but the one existed but then I'll be like I'll go to fucking Magic Johnson's house he beat it I know give me your shit now do you think he got it from a guy? that's real because – that's real.
Because his wife doesn't have it. I think when we saw that Richard Pryor thing the other day, I think more guys fuck in the ass than we don't – that we're not privy to.
A lot of men have had sexual relations. With men.
Done stuff with men. I believe, and I truly believe this, that you've done some stuff with men.
Okay. And don't be embarrassed about it.
No, I mean, I haven't, but I mean- Don't be embarrassed by it. Okay.
Okay. You have, and don't be embarrassed.
What did I do? I don't know your private life, but I'm just, I know your nature. Yeah.
And I don't know what kind of guy you are. You've had- No, just being honest.
When did I do this? I don't know when you did it. No, you do, so tell me when.
You probably happened in college. What college did you go to? Arizona State.
Arizona State, right? It's a big party town. Big party school.
Right? You probably went to a party. Yeah, I'm there.
I see it. And you got drunk.
Yeah. Right? And you went, hey, John, just get a shit, shit, shit.
Come and blow, John. Yeah.
And John went, all right. The closest I've ever come is being in the devil's threesome me and my friend and a girl yeah but what'd you do in the devils uh the true story or the or the comedy version what'd you do the devils here's what's really sad what did you touch his penis no no your penises touch penises no not even close because she was dog style and I was hitting it from behind and then he was getting his

knobs lobbed.

And the worst part was is he started talking.

Yeah.

And it freaked me out and I had to like as fast as I could.

I had to.

He was like, oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I was like, no, no.

I was already weirded out about the whole thing.

Yeah.

You know what Mike Burton did to me?

Who?

He's a comic named Mike Burton.

What did he do to you?

He gave me a thumbs up.

While you guys were hooking up with something?

With a girl.

He did this?

he'd to you he gave me a thumbs up while you guys were hooking up with something with a girl he did this he gave you thumbs up he went like this i was just i was going down on her right and he was getting blown by her right man you got the raw end of that dude yeah i was eating her out and i look up and he looked he was looking at me the whole time i think yeah right because it's like because once i looked up he was already looking at he's just freaked me out. I was just like, I was doing my business down here.
Don't look at my work. You're diving and he's just chilling.
Hey, Bob. I'm down.
I look and he's like this and he looks at me and goes... And I went...
You kept going. Yeah, and I kept going.
That's very nice that you kept going. My buddy talked buddy talked don't look at me my buddy talked and I had to finish as fast as I could yeah and this was probably mean she probably took this the wrong way I got in the shower immediately they kept hooking up for the next like hour I got in the shower and went back downstairs at the party yeah that was the closest I've come to any kind of like male sexual encounter I've never had one I'll be genuine with you I would tell you if i had something weird brian i i've taken brian keith etherage and aaron cater bke you know bk yeah yeah yeah and aaron cater i've taken the breakfast with the girls afterwards wait what explain what you're saying i had a sexual thing with a bunch of girls and aaron cater and brian keith etheridge all you guys together yes weird combo and then after i know and then afterwards you know i mean i bought breakfast that's sweet no but that's one of the like i wish i hadn't done that was that a cafe 101 rest in peace no it was in leon it was in vegas oh okay but it's just a weird awkward breakfast of course why would you five in the morning you just want to go to sleep you want everyone out yeah because it's your hotel room right where you want everyone out and you're just kind of eating this shitty omelet you know i mean you know i mean you got like you have things in your mouth you know i mean you have like chunks of other things in your mouth right you're completely just depleted of any kind of like fluids right right and you're just you feel gross about the whole experience.
Also, I don't – at the time, I didn't know those two guys that well. How did that even happen? We weren't besties.
Right. You know what I mean? I met them on an open mic.
It was just a gig. It was a gig, right? Yeah.
And just eating this fucking shit and just looking at them. And you know Brian Keith, which is one of the ugliest guys I've ever seen in my fucking time.
You said it, not me.

Is he handsome?

I don't remember.

He has no chin.

Literally none.

Well, what if he hears this, Bob?

I've already talked about it.

I did this story on Comedy Central already.

But do you call him ugly?

Yeah.

He's one of the ugliest people

I've ever seen in my life.

Really?

You think this guy's one of the ugliest people you've ever seen in your life Really? You think this guy's one of the ugliest people you've ever seen in your life?

It depends on what photo you see

You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch

He's not that ugly

He again looks like another Rick Glassman

It is funny how many Rick Glassmans are

Is this him now?

That's what he looks like now, huh?

Wow

That's not him

Sure is

Sure is

That's not him

Yes it is

Yes it is, dude, that's him today

No, that's him right there. This right here? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's him. That's him.
Right there on the right. Not on the left.
This is him right here. Yeah, that's him.
He's all right looking. He's all right, I guess.
Rudy, what do you think about that guy? Is he he looks creepy he looks creepy she says oh he is creepy

he is very creepy what vibe why does he give you that vibe right away the mouth and the eyes see women can tell if guys are creepy by their mouth isn't that weird let's show her a picture of somebody and see if she thinks they're creepy just by their mouth who's somebody we're friends with that we can show her and see if they're creepy right just by their mouth a comic she might not know okay give me somebody who's someone that she might not know that do they look creepy yeah do you know anthony jeselnik is no great perfect close your eyes close your eyes all right is this guy is this guy a creep or no go zoom in about no no no zoom in the mouth first. I mean, that's mean that's as close As I'm gonna get No so she can look At the mouth And not the face And then she can zoom out Ah That's very smart Keep your eyes closed woman Yeah Alright that's as close As we can get on this dude You can't zoom into the mouth No There okay Okay there we go Do that Alright what doepy? Yeah.
Wow, interesting. And then that's what he looks like regular.
How would you think? Kind of. Oh, still.
Wow. All right, close your eyes again.
He's cute as fuck. I think he's really, yeah, he's a handsome guy.
Yeah. Jim Jeffries.
Do you know Jim Jeffries? She doesn't know who this is. She doesn't know any of them.
No. This mouth right here, right? Mm-hmm.
All right, Rudy. Creep or not a creep?

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

I don't think so.

That's Jim.

Oh, is it bad now?

It's bad now.

Is it bad now?

I know.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Great guy.

Great guy.

Another great guy, great comic.

Great guy.

So maybe you think all guys are creepy.

Yeah. Close your eyes.
Close your eyes. Let's do one more.
So maybe you think all guys are creepy. Yeah.

Close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

Let's do one more.

Let's do another one.

Let's do one more.

I want to see if you...

All right, Rude.

What do you think?

Is this guy creepy?

Yeah.

Yes, he is.

By the way, what a photo, Bob. Oh, my God.
Promo? Yeah. And they said, take another one, and you said, that one's the one.
Fuck you. That one'll do.
Yeah, fuck you. Let me see that photo.
I haven't seen that photo before. This one? Yeah.
What's going on? This is on a morning news show. Oh, yeah, yeah.
And you look like you're dripping from Coke sweat. Yeah, yeah.
It's really sad what they're able to put up on the internet without your approval. I know.
You don't have to say yes. You don't get to say yes to any of this.
Yeah, I have so many bad photos. Ugh, terrible.
Like, why is that up there? I don't know. Look at this one.
Kalilah looks great. She looks great on that.
She looks great. That's so funny.
Now, see that other Asian guy? His name is Bobby Lee, too. And he's trying to get- Yeah, he's trying to get into my fucking shit right here.
No, I know. Yeah.
God, his eyes are so far apart. I know.
Like a hammerhead shark.

This is not going anywhere

with this podcast.

I can't.

I can't.

We have to continue

some other time.

No, no, we're going to do

a little bit more time.

It's terrible.

I can't do it.

I'm just not,

everything I'm saying

is not good

and I'm just going,

yeah, yeah, right.

You're fine.

No, it's not.

It's not good.

I feel you.

It's tough. No, you don't.
I'm not adding in for me for some reason i'm just kind of like lost and i don't know what to say i don't know what every story i had to cut around because i've already said it a thousand times it's like i've done so many podcasts it's like you just you know i know i know years it's like you just kind of get to a point where it's like what else is there to say i don't know what else to say i don't know living we can live in the conversation at the moment and let it go where it is i know but it's like it's like sometimes it's like i don't know and we went into matching mountain rides and that was ridiculous and it was really kind of fun and then like it's drifting in and out of different things that don't really make any kind of sense to me why anyone would give a fuck it's amazing to me that anybody gives a fuck in general and they do who gives a fuck they do, they like it yeah you're really having a crisis right now do you do this on on Belly? No, because... No, because there's a guest.
That's not it. On Belly, it's different because it's like we talk about...
Belly's different because we talk about what's going on in the house. Also, we have a guest.
Yeah, no, the guest. And then we also...
It's also... I always tell, like...
It's just different, you know? guest and then we also it's it's also i always tell like it's just different you know this one the pressure is is more there's no pressure on that one because this one you know it's like you're so good that like you know i just sometimes i just kind of go i don't want to i don't know what i'm doing you don't want to, I don't know what I'm doing.

You don't want to do it anymore?

No, I want to do it.

I just, of course I want to do it.

No, I know.

You know what I mean?

I just don't know what I'm doing right now.

Well, let's get to another, let's get to another point and then we can, we can, all we have to do is cruise.

I'm going to need a little break or something.

Smoke a cigarette.

That'll help me.

Look at me.

Look at me.

I just have to, I don't know why anyone cares. Well, you're doing good.
Why are you having this existential weird moment? You don't know what anything means, really. Let's talk about that.
I don't know what anything means. I don't know anything.
That's another thing. I realize I don't know anything.
That's kind of fun. I don't know anything.
No, I really don't know. I don't know anything about anything.
I don't know how anything works. I don't know anything.
No, I really don't know.

I don't know anything about anything.

I don't know how anything works.

I don't know what I believe in. I don't know

how long

I have left.

What am I doing with the time that I have?

I mean, what is this?

I mean, genuinely.

Do you mean this?

Yeah. I have these moments of just like what would you rather be doing? even when I'm playing video games I'm like this isn't it what do you think you should be doing I don't know that's the thing you're having kind of like a midlife crisis no I'm not I think it has to do with like the pandemic because it's like I can't leave.
So it's like I can't leave and I can't do anything. I can't do anything that I want to do.
I can't do stand-up. I can't do anything.
So it's like my days are left of just watching old Star Trek Next Generation episodes to trying to watch other things that, you know what I mean, that people are saying, you should watch this. This is great on Netflix.
It's trending number three. You know what I mean? And you just kind of watch it.
This morning when I watched that reality show was just on, I was watching going, this is the day. And this is going to end the same as it did last night.
And then it's like – and then I realized like what's the point of it all? There's nothing to do. And then I'm going to Hawaii at the end of the week or in a couple – I don't know when I go.
But it's like why? Well, go. What's the point? Because there's a job there? I know.
But let's talk – I'm being serious. Yeah.
Are you having this crisis moment because you feel like you're not being fulfilled? It's not just fulfilled. What's the point of it all? Well, let's go over the point.
There is no point. I hate this business.
Mm-hmm. And I – Let's get out.
And I'm done, I think. You're done.
In a week, you're going to Hawaii to film another episode of Magnum P.I. That's not the business though That is literally the business Yeah but when you show up there It's like You realize They even go People watch this It's not a thing Like you know When I did Love Yeah And Judd Apatow's around Everyone's around And they take themselves seriously That right there To me is the business You know what I mean So you prefer when people Are taking themselves seriously No I want to be a part of that group I want to be a part of like the cool group I want to be a part of like you are in the cool group I'm not I'm in the like ghetto shit here's the problem that I think you're mistaken most people aren't in this fake group that you think people are in I want to be in it you're not in it I want to be because it doesn't exist it does no because you ask them and they'll even tell you I don't even know What you're talking about Yeah You want to be in it too And that's why You butt heads with them Butt heads with who? You know who you're talking about Who? I know Tell me who What's his name? Seth Seth? The guy that was In the disaster artist What's his name? Seth Rogen? Yeah How do I butt heads What are you talking about? You gave him shit about the lines and the thing and then he – No, I didn't give him shit about it.
I publicly talked shit about not having any lines. But you have to understand that there was tension between you two, you said.
No, the idea was like I don't think they cared that I was bummed that I got taken out. So that made me sad.
It was a bummer. But didn't you approach him and then he was like weird with you? No.
No. I didn't approach him about the lines.
But the next time I saw him, it was kind of weird. Yeah.
Are you weird now with him? I haven't seen him. Yeah.
But do you think there's weirdness? Do you think he likes you? I don't think he cares about me. I don't think he gives a fuck that I exist.
I think he probably. Yeah, that's what it is.
I think he probably. And there are people that he doesn't care about.
Well, of course. Yeah.
No, but I'm okay with that. I just think that he goes, that kid's nice, kind of funny.
It didn't work out with us. I don't think he cares.
But here's my thing. I got to start.
I got to be a part of a group, right, that's doing high level shit that everyone wants to be a part of. We make this show and people fucking love this show.
I know, but I'm, I know. I understand.
No, no, that's great. So you want this to be highbrow and fucking Harvard lampoon shit? No, no, I don't want to say high.
No, but I want it. Like, we're not smart enough.
You and I are not that smart. That's what I'm saying.
What are we doing? This is great. What do we do? We were dumb.
Yeah, it's great. What are we doing around? We're speaking.
We got to read something, man. We got to learn about things.
We're speaking for the idiots. Oh, God.
That's it. That's what it is.
We're dumb. We're dumb.
But we've always said we're dumb. Oh.
And let me tell you something. Yeah.
I don't want to be smart because this is fun. I'm having a fucking time being done with you is more fun than anything i've done and it's usually great it's usually you're in a weird headspace it's like you know there there are snooty parts about me yeah but you've been you've manufactured them no i'm very snooty when it comes to like you mean i don't like these kind of't like these kind of films or these kind of Yeah, you've manufactured that.
Right? You've made that up. And I've always wanted to be a part of like the cool group.
And it's like, even since I was in fucking high school, I could never get in. I could never get in with the cool kids.
Here's the irony. And I want to be in the cool kids now.
Name to me the cool kids because they were the dorks for sure. Who you think are the cool kids were dorks.
I know. So what are you even talking about? You don't want to be friends with them.
Whoever you're talking about, they don't exist. I know you make up the idea that there's this group that you would join and hang out with, but it's not.
You know, I do these podcasts because it was the last thing that i could do to survive at the beginning oh yeah it was the it was like oh it's either this or get a day job but now you do the podcast my point is is that so it's the podcasting stuff isn't you know i love doing it saved me in in a way right but it's like it wasn it wasn't why I came to L.A. Why did you come to L.A.? I honestly thought that I would be a movie star.
But that's not a real thought. I know, but that was my dream.
I'm going to be a movie star and I'm going to do these. I'm going to do all this stuff.
But you are a working act. Readjust your dream then.
I know. I'm going to have to.
But my point is that – and so every once in a while – and people think that I'm complaining or whining. I'm not whining.
I'm just – it gets to a point where you're just kind of like, what the fuck am I doing? And it has to do with the pandemic too. It's like I don't – here's another thing.
A part of my thing is every once in a while I like to go buy clothes I know you know I have this weird obsession with like you know I'll go you know I'll go to Self Edge and maybe I'll get a new you know what I mean Japanese raw denim you know what I mean I'll wear it out this year I'll just wear it every day right and get the creases and make it right right and so you look at my emails I've ordered ordered 10,000 things online. None of them come.
None of it's come. So I can't even do that.
Every morning I wake up and I go out to the balcony. From the balcony I can look down to see packages.
And there's all these gigantic boxes filled with Ottomans and chairs that fucking Kalilah gets. Or lamp fixtures right right i'm just looking for that little tiny jacket you know you know i mean or you know i mean the underwear that i bought right you know i mean or the socks or whatever right and it's a thing and they say it's delivering track your but i don't know how to do any of that right right so i don't know how to track it i don't know where it is i mean I mean I have things.
I bought a fucking – you know that French – Italian couch I have?

Right?

A part of that deal, I bought these really cool light things.

They're like light fixtures, right?

And I remember a year ago when I bought the fucking Italian couch, I said, hey, you think you can throw in one of those fancy light fixtures?

He's like, no problem, buddy.

How many do you want? I go, four. Great, man.
There's only four left anyway. And then we got the Italian couch, and I go, Clyde, where's the light fixtures? She goes, it's somewhere in Culver City in something.
And I go, I guess I'll never get it. You didn't get it.
You know what I mean? This sounds like – So I don't have – It's just you're not getting your you're not getting things during anything i can't get anything so it's like the frustration is obvious and i'm so sensitive i guess because of this pandemic i think that's a part of it so i can't take any kind of criticism criticism but that's okay yeah because we're gonna get through it and it's gonna be fine on the other end i'm just like end. I'm just a jumble of nerves.
You need a release. Yeah, there's nothing.
They're so rude to me at the house. You know what I mean? That I can feel.
Yeah, they're so rude to me at the house. I go, who's your king? And she goes, you're not my king.
Right. I go, tell me how you're king.
Do I not say that? Who's the king? And you won't tell me you're the king unless I threaten you?

Yeah Who is the king?

Interesting

That's what I'm saying

And she's not the king

But it's not

I

Let me

I

You think that

First of all

I'm usually

You know where I go?

It's okay

I'm so sorry about my existential

Thank you. I mean, I, I, I, I, I, you, you, you, you think that like when I was, first of all, you know what I mean? I'm usually, you know where I go? It's okay.
No, no, no. It's okay.
I'm so sorry about my existential. I'm going through something.
Look at me. Look at me.
Don't be sorry. Yeah, yeah.
It's a great, it's an honest moment that you're having. Yeah.
Honestly, this whole podcast, I was just like, the whole time thinking, what am I doing here? Sometimes your mind gets in those things. Why? What are we saying? Yeah.
You're, you're becoming like a nihilist. Yeah.
No,ist. No, I'm not.
I'm literally going, why would anyone want to listen to this too, you think? I don't know. Yeah, yeah.
But they do. And I appreciate it.
Yeah, yeah. And I'm appreciative.
I love when they call in the guy with gigantism and the dwarves and all the people and the lady. Everyone calling in and going, you know what I mean? Keep going.

And they buy the merch.

And they tag me in it and they make little videos of me.

And I really appreciate it. And I go,

but deep down I'm going, why do you like it?

You know what I mean?

And I'm glad you do. I'm going to keep doing it

because there's nothing else

to do. Do you like it? I love doing

it. I like seeing you and I like doing it.

There are times where I'm like,

oh, that's a funny bit.

We really, you know what I mean?

We went this way with it.

And that was fun, right?

But today was not it.

Today was just like, oh, that's not it.

I'm glad we had, I mean, a lot of it was great.

Right, George?

Yeah, I'm so good. Alright.
mean, a lot of it was great. Yeah.
Right, George? Yeah.

Short?

All right.

Hey.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.
Woo-hoo. Yeah.

Woo-hoo.