BEST OF 2020!

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Speaker 4 You cut your part off! Fuck you!

Speaker 2 Cutting that part off! Fuck you!

Speaker 4 Homeball, we leave.

Speaker 5 No, lemon head.

Speaker 6 This is you.

Speaker 2 Hey.

Speaker 2 I'm Andrew Centino.

Speaker 7 Your house looks like a fucking anthropology store.

Speaker 10 It's light enough.

Speaker 11 You're fucking bullshit.

Speaker 12 And I have to sit there and get a bunch of people.

Speaker 14 You live in a booger cave.

Speaker 15 Fucking piece of shit. Don't talk shit about my mom.

Speaker 16 The hovel is what I like to call her.

Speaker 15 So you're saying because we're real friends,

Speaker 15 you don't care about white piece of shit.

Speaker 18 You look down on other people.

Speaker 5 This is my holiday. You look down on people.

Speaker 19 This is my holiday.

Speaker 13 You look down on other people's culture, dude.

Speaker 21 You're so annoying.

Speaker 22 You know what rat leather is?

Speaker 23 Rat leather? Yes.

Speaker 15 Is it what your mom uses to make your clothes when you were a kid?

Speaker 24 No, rat leather is similar to the stankiness of your mom's vagina.

Speaker 26 Okay.

Speaker 10 I mean, you started with life.

Speaker 27 You started with my mom.

Speaker 15 It's a professional workspace. Dude, we can get

Speaker 19 fucking angry for no reason. I'm asking a question.
Don't point it at me.

Speaker 14 Don't fuck around.

Speaker 20 Don't point it out. Back around me.

Speaker 14 Put it onto the

Speaker 13 give it to me!

Speaker 7 Yeah, and keep it in. Don't even edit it out.

Speaker 31 That's what you are.

Speaker 7 That's what you are.

Speaker 34 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 35 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 4 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 36 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 27 You two are something.

Speaker 37 We're bad friends.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey, hey.

Speaker 38 Hey,

Speaker 2 hey, hey, hey.

Speaker 11 Welcome to another episode of Bad Friends, everybody.

Speaker 43 Yesterday was Father's Day.

Speaker 45 And oh boy, I miss my dad.

Speaker 47 And the thing is, I wanted to write a Father's Day song.

Speaker 48 And I told you I was going to do that, too.

Speaker 15 Yeah, you promised me, and I thought you weren't going to do it. I'm being serious.

Speaker 45 And I forgot about it.

Speaker 49 And then we were sitting here outside waiting for you because you were late.

Speaker 47 I wasn't late.

Speaker 15 I was getting you Sugar-Free Red Bull. Rudy.

Speaker 15 Was I getting Sugar-Free Red Bull?

Speaker 26 Yeah. See?

Speaker 50 Okay, but

Speaker 50 were we here before I called him?

Speaker 26 Dude, you called me. It doesn't matter.
No, no. You called me.

Speaker 12 Can we do the Father's Day?

Speaker 51 What's this angry about?

Speaker 15 You always do this to me. You trample on me.

Speaker 52 Trample, trample.

Speaker 4 You're a trample. You trample on me.

Speaker 6 You trample, trample. That's you.
Trample, trample. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 45 Go ahead, Trampoli. So, you know, while we were waiting for you,

Speaker 24 because we were early.

Speaker 15 Because I got a Sugar Red Bull Ugo.

Speaker 54 Yeah, and I wrote a song real quick.

Speaker 45 Because I write a lot of music on my garage band, so I just came up with it.

Speaker 47 I have an old, older, like, weird song.

Speaker 48 you know what I mean?

Speaker 45 So I wanted to I wrote a song for my dad.

Speaker 9 Okay, let's hear it. All right.

Speaker 58 Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

Speaker 58 Daddy, I can fly.

Speaker 27 Daddy, I miss you.

Speaker 27 Why Why are you dead?

Speaker 27 Why did you die?

Speaker 27 Daddy, I need you.

Speaker 27 I need you so badly.

Speaker 27 Laying in your bed.

Speaker 27 Laying in your bed.

Speaker 28 I'm sorry I took photos of you while you were dead

Speaker 4 and sent it to the Hudson's what was in my head.

Speaker 19 You were dead, and I whipped out my phone.

Speaker 59 I can't fucking believe I did that shit.

Speaker 4 I'm all alone.

Speaker 27 I can miss you, Daddy. I love you.

Speaker 60 Okay, there we go. That's a song.

Speaker 61 Very good.

Speaker 57 And I have another thing that I do that I don't really talk about, but if I'm on an elevator and anyone over the age of 60 walks onto the elevator, I'll get- You hold your breath.

Speaker 63 No, I'll get off the elevator.

Speaker 64 Period. Anytime.
Every time.

Speaker 3 Why?

Speaker 8 Because, especially if I'm alone in the elevator, because if this person dies, I'll probably just leave.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 8 You know what I mean?

Speaker 66 And because I don't know how to call, and I don't know who to call.

Speaker 7 I don't know what papers to sign.

Speaker 49 I don't know who to interview with. I got shit to do.

Speaker 15 You don't have to do almost any of that.

Speaker 39 If you died in an elevator and you're just by yourself,

Speaker 50 you can't just leave.

Speaker 15 You would just go, somebody died in there, and then they show up, and then the paramedics help them.

Speaker 17 Okay, so let's get this.

Speaker 8 Let's play this out. Okay.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 47 I'm in an elevator. Yeah.

Speaker 18 Old man walks in.

Speaker 8 and he goes hello young man

Speaker 8 I was in the Korean war because old people always say something like that Or they'll say you know, oh, I love that Chinese restaurant down the street

Speaker 6 And I'll be like, okay, cool

Speaker 71 Dead, right?

Speaker 66 Elevator opens. I call

Speaker 72 is this the hospital?

Speaker 38 I don't know who to call is this hospital?

Speaker 72 Well, you had to call 911.

Speaker 38 Oh, fuck that 911. 911, yes.

Speaker 10 An old man died.

Speaker 13 What's the address?

Speaker 38 I don't know.

Speaker 14 I'll be right back.

Speaker 39 And I gotta run outside.

Speaker 11 I gotta look at the address.

Speaker 73 It's 55443.

Speaker 14 What street are we on?

Speaker 39 They're at Tamberlin. Tamberlin.

Speaker 14 What state?

Speaker 14 California, it's California.

Speaker 73 Oh, fuck, California.

Speaker 11 Tamberlin, 995543, California, Tamberlin.

Speaker 39 Okay, well, then the ambulance will be there as soon as possible.

Speaker 2 Can I leave?

Speaker 15 No, you have to go back in with the man.

Speaker 74 Go in right now. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 72 As I run back in.

Speaker 71 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 35 I gotta do something.

Speaker 57 I gotta put my mouth in his mouth.

Speaker 27 I blow.

Speaker 38 Then I fucking chest

Speaker 8 I leave the elevator I'm leaving the elevator to go back outside.

Speaker 66 I'll probably have a cigarette

Speaker 10 Now by this time though

Speaker 69 Sir Were you the man that called the police?

Speaker 73 I am the one

Speaker 2 okay what where what happened to the man where is he?

Speaker 38 He's in the elevator

Speaker 2 get Get with me right now.

Speaker 20 Come on, let's go.

Speaker 6 Let's go run in.

Speaker 23 Oh, shit.

Speaker 20 Is that him right there?

Speaker 73 Of course.

Speaker 11 No, there's another dead guy around the block.

Speaker 20 Sir, I don't need your attitude.

Speaker 15 I'm just trying to find out how this man died and when he died. Did you make him shit or poop?

Speaker 14 Did you make him?

Speaker 73 I don't know what to do. So I just punched his chest.

Speaker 20 So you caused this man to throw up and have diarrhea inside of this elevator?

Speaker 11 Well, because I put my mouth on his mouth and I'm like, turn around, sir.

Speaker 23 You're under arrest. Turn around.
You're under arrest.

Speaker 74 What the fuck? I have an idea. You're under arrest.

Speaker 66 That's it. That's what happens.

Speaker 8 That's why I don't want to be in the elevator with him.

Speaker 15 That makes perfect sense.

Speaker 75 If there was an animal you had to have sex with, though.

Speaker 15 Forced?

Speaker 76 Yeah.

Speaker 15 Probably sheep.

Speaker 15 I'm from Ireland. I think they do that shit all the time.

Speaker 63 Yeah. Sheep.

Speaker 15 I think because it's soft.

Speaker 68 Yeah.

Speaker 4 And they're, don't laugh at me. Yeah.

Speaker 15 I think because they're soft. Yeah.
And even if they get upset, they're just like, eh.

Speaker 21 So it's not that bad.

Speaker 31 For me, it would be panda.

Speaker 21 Oh. because they're so cute.
Well, I didn't even think that's through.

Speaker 17 And you could, I could, I, here's the thing.

Speaker 62 If I was having sex with an animal, I wouldn't want them to think, hey, hey there.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Right?

Speaker 26 Somebody fucking me.

Speaker 48 Right. I wouldn't want them to think that.

Speaker 15 You just want it to be a thing.

Speaker 29 I don't want them to go, hey there.

Speaker 15 Well, then if you fucked a big animal, then.

Speaker 31 And what I would do with a panda is you give them a grade A bamboo.

Speaker 7 Oh, like high. I would love to chew that shit.

Speaker 8 Waigu bamboo. Right? So I'd be like, here's bamboo.

Speaker 63 They'd be like, hey there.

Speaker 75 And then I would, you know what I mean?

Speaker 67 Bump bum bump.

Speaker 31 And they'd be just so focused on.

Speaker 15 But don't they get so fucked up from the eucalyptus? Is that eucalyptus'?

Speaker 61 Is that pandas?

Speaker 80 No, man.

Speaker 61 Who eats eucalyptus?

Speaker 15 Sloths. Sloths.
And they black out, right? They just pass out.

Speaker 15 Yeah, they get really fucking high.

Speaker 31 Because sloths, they go, whoa, sloths live in trees.

Speaker 45 How can you get them?

Speaker 49 Because I thought about this, right?

Speaker 81 Honestly, I don't know why I thought about this, but in Papua New Guinea, there's a lot of sloths, right?

Speaker 79 I didn't know that. There is, right? Yeah.

Speaker 31 So what they would do is they would go to Papua New Guinea, right? And sloths, you don't know, I Googled this.

Speaker 81 I don't know why.

Speaker 56 I don't know why I researched this.

Speaker 7 But sloths, they come to the ground while they take a shit or they go to the bathroom.

Speaker 82 I've seen this.

Speaker 15 Right. I've seen this in Costa Rica.
They come to the ground.

Speaker 21 Right. Yeah.

Speaker 7 So imagine a bunch of sloths in the tree, right?

Speaker 83 Where are you going, Johnny?

Speaker 2 And sloths like, I gotta take a shit.

Speaker 66 I gotta take a shit.

Speaker 2 I'll be right back.

Speaker 43 And as soon as he lands,

Speaker 30 50 dudes come out.

Speaker 7 They form a train.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Right?

Speaker 50 And he's trying to run away.

Speaker 4 Right.

Speaker 11 And he's like, and his buddies are going,

Speaker 27 run,

Speaker 27 Frankie.

Speaker 74 And Frankie's, I'm trying

Speaker 2 to run.

Speaker 67 Right. And he gets on the tree.
Right. He's already been raped 40, 50 times, right?

Speaker 7 And people are like jumping up and tagging him.

Speaker 67 Right. And just ripping him.

Speaker 4 Well, as he goes up,

Speaker 21 the taller guys get to go.

Speaker 54 Yeah, the the taller guys, right?

Speaker 8 I mean, that would be a nightmare.

Speaker 76 They'd be extinct.

Speaker 15 Play this for you because this is from my family to yours.

Speaker 15 This is happy birthday in Korean. Let's all sing along for Bobby.

Speaker 4 Let's do it.

Speaker 41 Sango chaka.

Speaker 27 Sangi chuka hamida da. Ji jukiso, jujukiso, ji sang ramahami da.

Speaker 27 Kita boga, jaka pi,

Speaker 27 be a boga jaki.

Speaker 4 Jajo

Speaker 27 Happy birthday to you.

Speaker 61 You're welcome, dude.

Speaker 15 That was so nice.

Speaker 60 They don't do shit like that for you in North Korea. No, they don't.

Speaker 24 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 79 Can I say this? Yes, sir.

Speaker 33 Tracy? Yes. All right.

Speaker 39 Have you ever met anyone from North Korea?

Speaker 86 Yes. Yes.
No, you haven't.

Speaker 60 Yes. It's like an Eskimo.

Speaker 11 You've never met an Eskimo. You've read about the books and the fairy tales.

Speaker 60 What the fuck?

Speaker 11 You could play with them in video games, maybe, but you've never met one.

Speaker 15 Your energy needs to change.

Speaker 54 You get it going.

Speaker 8 Go Go get your Coke.

Speaker 66 Go get your Diet Coke.

Speaker 15 Your energy needs to change.

Speaker 8 Your energy needs to change. What?

Speaker 57 I came in here. You were all fucking.
No hellos.

Speaker 66 I said hello.

Speaker 53 No, you're like in your own world or whatever.

Speaker 89 You're fucking working on the show that you're on with me.

Speaker 13 I just go working on the computer. Get your fucking thing.

Speaker 64 Getting stuff done. Get your thing.

Speaker 15 It's going to be a good one. I'm taking your fucking.
I'm taking your fucking butt. Don't.

Speaker 5 Give me this fucking

Speaker 88 seriously don't

Speaker 49 back up then back up that's dangerous I'm serious

Speaker 27 back up then back up then put it on the safety what don't don't don't don't

Speaker 66 back up the back the back up don't point it back up then don't point it I want this put it down I'm gonna shoot you with this put it down put the safety back up put the safety on back up put the safety on back up dude I swear to God

Speaker 43 it's not even on safety you can fucking hurt someone real bad don't shoot dude back up then I will not shoot it if you come if

Speaker 57 I have a boundary.

Speaker 90 Do not cross the boundary.

Speaker 91 Put it on the desk.

Speaker 12 I will shoot you with it if you don't fucking sit down.

Speaker 11 Put it on the desk.

Speaker 91 Put it away from you.

Speaker 88 Put it away from you. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 92 Put the safety on.

Speaker 90 No, I'm not putting the safety on.

Speaker 67 Yes!

Speaker 2 No, dude.

Speaker 91 I'm leaving. I'm not going to record today.

Speaker 8 I will not shoot you, I promise you.

Speaker 40 If you get anyone near me.

Speaker 15 I'm putting the safety on the gun.

Speaker 87 Sit down. I'm putting the safety on the gun.

Speaker 84 No, no, no, no, no, no, I don't know how to unsafety it, friend.

Speaker 49 No, you don't.

Speaker 2 I will shoot you.

Speaker 50 I will shoot you.

Speaker 11 Sit down.

Speaker 11 I promise you, I won't shoot you.

Speaker 27 If you shoot me, I'll never do it.

Speaker 88 We will never talk again.

Speaker 91 That will fuck. You know how dangerous that is?

Speaker 50 All right, so dangerous. Sit down then.

Speaker 93 Don't give me a shot.

Speaker 3 No, I will not.

Speaker 27 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Sit down.

Speaker 73 I said, I will shoot you.

Speaker 13 Just sit down. Point that at me and don't do that.
All right, well, then just sit down.

Speaker 11 I won't.

Speaker 73 No!

Speaker 11 Don't talk about safeties.

Speaker 11 Don't talk about safeties. Don't talk about safeties.

Speaker 79 Oh, my God. Don't talk about safeties.

Speaker 43 Don't point that at me ever again.

Speaker 88 I won't.

Speaker 11 You pointed it at me.

Speaker 73 No, I didn't. Huh?

Speaker 5 No, I didn't.

Speaker 11 Pretending you must dial.

Speaker 93 No, you walked in and I showed you the gun.

Speaker 13 All right.

Speaker 93 I showed you the gun.

Speaker 11 You didn't shoot my fucking hat.

Speaker 66 Give me the gun here.

Speaker 67 I will shoot your red-headed face.

Speaker 60 Don't point it at me.

Speaker 30 Don't fuck up.

Speaker 14 Back up.

Speaker 2 Don't point it back. Back up, back up.

Speaker 64 Put it right here. No, I'm not going to put it there.

Speaker 7 Put it here. I need to protect myself.

Speaker 14 Put it under the safety.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 13 Give it to me. Why are you so angry?

Speaker 86 Because that can fucking really do damage.

Speaker 66 I'm not going to hurt you.

Speaker 17 I need to put the safety on. No, just put the safety down.
Let's start the podcast.

Speaker 54 I will not fucking do it.

Speaker 66 Give it to me. Put it down.

Speaker 15 It's fine give me it okay i will shoot your head if your attitude doesn't change look i'm i'm being 100 serious with you i'm being 100 serious as well if you shoot me with that gun yeah if you fucking shoot me yeah i'm i'm i'm dead serious i'm dead serious my my hands these hands yeah will fucking pummel your stupid face until it's sitty silly putty okay i will knock all your teeth out i'll stomp your fucking neck in i'll beat the living shit out of you interesting if you shoot me in the face with that you're fucked okay can i look at me in the eyes you're fucked if you if i shoot you in the head with this yeah and you beat the shit out of me yeah you're fucked why

Speaker 49 you'll see why because i you think that this is the only weapon that i have right now that's my gun i had i know

Speaker 15 i have other weapons as well give me my gun no let me just have it no bobby you'll get it at the end of the podcast i want it all right let me ask you another um question may i

Speaker 8 if i shoot you in the head If you shoot me in the head, let me just follow this through, please.

Speaker 54 And you beat the living shit out of me.

Speaker 49 Listen, would you end this podcast forever?

Speaker 8 You swear to God.

Speaker 15 If you shot me in the fucking head with an airsoft gun, those are rock hard BBs. Yeah, yeah.
They're not even the plastic ones.

Speaker 94 What?

Speaker 15 I would beat the living shit out of you, and then I'd make you do a podcast with me, and that would be our final podcast. I'd make you do one all fucked up.

Speaker 15 Yeah, yeah, and bleeding and dripping, and no teeth.

Speaker 94 Yeah.

Speaker 15 And me with a bullet.

Speaker 79 Can I say George?

Speaker 3 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 18 Yeah. Don't point it at people.
I'm not going to throw it.

Speaker 57 Look at my hands aren't even on the trigger.

Speaker 15 Dude, it's supposed to be on the side. It's supposed to be on the side.
Your trigger finger should be on the side of the gun.

Speaker 74 Like this. Don't point it at me.

Speaker 8 Like this. Like this.

Speaker 71 Yes. Okay.

Speaker 15 Put the safety on.

Speaker 90 I'll put the safety on. You don't know how.

Speaker 15 You have to pull back on those things and

Speaker 15 it's not on.

Speaker 65 S.

Speaker 52 It's on the S.

Speaker 15 No, dude. It's not on.
Look, I'm going to show you.

Speaker 15 Yes. Put it up.
Now put it away. Put it down.

Speaker 65 Okay.

Speaker 15 That's it. Now the safety is off.
You just turned it off again.

Speaker 54 It's

Speaker 15 with the red. That's fine.
It's going to fire right now. Okay.

Speaker 15 It's not going to fire.

Speaker 63 Okay, good.

Speaker 15 Point it at the plant. Shoot the plant.

Speaker 15 Shoot the plant.

Speaker 87 Yeah. Okay, good.

Speaker 15 You know what my fucking, you know what? You know what?

Speaker 7 Can I shoot the screen? No.

Speaker 15 The TV? Yeah.

Speaker 90 Let's just see what happens.

Speaker 4 It could ricochet. It could ricochet.

Speaker 94 Close your eyes. Close your eyes.
Turn around.

Speaker 15 Are you going to do it? Yeah. But that's my TV.

Speaker 30 How much is it?

Speaker 15 I don't know. It doesn't matter.
It's a fucking TV. Like, well, what? Then we got to go get a new one.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 15 I kind of want you to do it now.

Speaker 90 I want to.

Speaker 15 But if you do it, I'm cool with it.

Speaker 26 We just have to go get one then.

Speaker 22 I'll go buy one now.

Speaker 95 I'll do the best one and get a better one.

Speaker 15 Here's my only fear.

Speaker 4 I don't care about the TV.

Speaker 15 It's a piece of shit TV. But the cameras, what if it hits one of the cameras?

Speaker 31 The odds.

Speaker 50 If I look at

Speaker 15 it, it bounces. The ball's going to bounce everywhere.

Speaker 84 The odds of it.

Speaker 69 Shoot your hat again.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's going to ricochet.

Speaker 96 I'm going to aim it here.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 90 If I aim it like this, it'll hit George in the face.

Speaker 85 I'm not going to do it.

Speaker 26 God, dude, if you do it. Here's your time.

Speaker 15 Thank you. I'm going to do it.

Speaker 22 I'm going to do it.

Speaker 59 Close your eyes, Bobby.

Speaker 33 Really?

Speaker 15 I'm going to do it.

Speaker 54 You don't have the balls.

Speaker 15 I don't have the balls to shoot my own TV. Yeah, you're a pussy.

Speaker 15 Oh my God, dude. I'm so scared.

Speaker 90 You're a pussy.

Speaker 50 You're weak, right?

Speaker 90 That's what it is.

Speaker 84 If you shoot me, I honestly, I don't need to do this podcast.

Speaker 44 Me neither.

Speaker 17 If they shoot me, we're dead.

Speaker 90 This is it. This is it.
The last one we do.

Speaker 7 You're right.

Speaker 4 Okay. Say we're dead.

Speaker 15 Then take out your penis. Let me shoot your penis.

Speaker 76 No.

Speaker 15 I would never shoot you. Hold out your hat, though.
Can I shoot your hat on you?

Speaker 79 No, no, no.

Speaker 54 Shoot the screen or nothing.

Speaker 15 I don't want to shoot the fucking TV. Then we're going to have to get a new TV.
You're weak. That's it.

Speaker 84 Be a man, Bobby.

Speaker 35 In life, this is for showbiz.

Speaker 56 This is for entertainment purposes.

Speaker 15 It's going to ricochet and bounce off in her.

Speaker 22 I'm going to turn around.

Speaker 22 Watch your eyes.

Speaker 15 And I close my computer.

Speaker 59 Yeah, you can close the computer.

Speaker 22 All right, ready? Yeah.

Speaker 59 Three,

Speaker 21 two, no signal. One.

Speaker 15 Oh, right in the middle.

Speaker 30 Holy shit, you did break it.

Speaker 45 And it says no signal.

Speaker 15 By the way, it rigorous shit didn't hit me right on the shoulder.

Speaker 54 No, really? I swear to God, it did.

Speaker 66 Oh my god, it did hurt. It did break it.

Speaker 49 Oh, I'm so sorry.

Speaker 26 That's all right.

Speaker 35 Why did you do it?

Speaker 83 You fucking said to. I was kidding.
Why would you do that?

Speaker 21 It was kind of fun.

Speaker 15 It was fun, huh?

Speaker 69 Hey, everybody.

Speaker 69 Okay.

Speaker 18 Tokipang here.

Speaker 17 Today, I oh Jimmy Kimur, Jimmy Kimur.

Speaker 15 I don't wanna I don't wanna do this.

Speaker 97 Bob, I don't wanna do this.

Speaker 15 I don't I don't wanna. What you made me fucking do it?

Speaker 18 Jimmy Kimmur, he uh he not gonna host the show for a while.

Speaker 98 So I I'm going to uh try to get the job there to do the hostings.

Speaker 15 You have to fucking do it. I can't because I don't know what to say.
This is your fucking idea. Give me any joke to say.

Speaker 17 I do comedy too.

Speaker 11 Talk about comedy. No, don't you shut the fuck up.

Speaker 87 Okay, here we go.

Speaker 15 Hey, Alive Around the World is the world is absolutely insane right now. What's going on around the world?

Speaker 11 Everybody talking bang here.

Speaker 64 Oh, boy, what's going on in the world right now?

Speaker 62 It's crazy.

Speaker 98 150 million

Speaker 17 thousand people die from corona.

Speaker 18 And boy, Melania Trump.

Speaker 2 I do, I fuck her.

Speaker 3 I fuck her.

Speaker 15 You You gotta make it uh G-Redding. It's for network T V.

Speaker 98 So oh okay, so I saw this how they said, oh boy, what going on around this town right now?

Speaker 88 Holy moly.

Speaker 66 Shit.

Speaker 98 150,000 million people die from COVID-19. Donald Trump wife, Melania, I I stick it

Speaker 17 I stick it

Speaker 27 to the President's wife.

Speaker 91 Do anything else but that.

Speaker 23 Oh shit, okay.

Speaker 15 There was a guy who was raising sea turtles and check this out. And he's selling them.

Speaker 15 He's selling them at

Speaker 15 two shells of pop.

Speaker 15 This guy's getting a good, he's getting a killer deal on that.

Speaker 18 Don't talk about the Maloney.

Speaker 87 Yeah, not about, don't talk about the president's wife.

Speaker 35 The BLM, Black Aliva, they matter.

Speaker 98 And, you know, you go to the protest, right?

Speaker 44 You stood sign.

Speaker 98 Do not do that to the black, right?

Speaker 98 And, you know, one time I went to a protest, and I saw a woman who are protesting with her, where she looked like,

Speaker 96 you know, Milani.

Speaker 15 No, not the president's wife.

Speaker 101 No, but she, she's not, do it, was not her because this was in LA. Okay.

Speaker 17 So this is not her, but she looked like, okay.

Speaker 96 She looked like Maloney.

Speaker 98 So she protesting black lives, black lie.

Speaker 2 I was

Speaker 102 getting toward the two, like black lives. getting to that right

Speaker 98 and then i hit like this her hip right and i look at her I go, you know, one day, you and I could go gong bang bang.

Speaker 28 No, stop saying you're gonna have sex with the president's wife.

Speaker 87 She's not there.

Speaker 44 Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 87 Skip to your current events.

Speaker 99 Oh, current occurrence. Okay, okay.

Speaker 71 My God,

Speaker 87 what's going on with the UI2K?

Speaker 98 The Y2K, man, 2000.

Speaker 13 Everything is gonna be wiped out.

Speaker 15 There is a um

Speaker 52 the Malania Malania.

Speaker 65 What?

Speaker 52 Malania trial.

Speaker 27 She's hot.

Speaker 15 We're never going to get this gig if you do that.

Speaker 36 Teaming up with nonprofits to serve its communities and do good for dogs. Make your next cocktail with Tito's.
Distilled and bottled by Fifth Generation Inc., Austin, Texas. 40% alcohol by volume.

Speaker 36 Savor responsibly.

Speaker 15 If it's balut, I'm walking out.

Speaker 3 Is it balut?

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's try.

Speaker 4 You have to try.

Speaker 2 No way. You have to.

Speaker 64 Let's try.

Speaker 4 I'm gagging right now.

Speaker 3 I never had it.

Speaker 64 I won't do it. Can we open it? No, you.
Nope.

Speaker 3 I'll open it.

Speaker 64 No. Will you look?

Speaker 23 Honestly?

Speaker 14 Don't be a f- You know what, dude? You can't just.

Speaker 27 You know what? You're a fucking

Speaker 17 white piece of shit. You're fucking...

Speaker 18 you look down on other people.

Speaker 5 This is my holiday. You look down on people.

Speaker 19 This is my holiday.

Speaker 13 You look down on other people's culture, dude, and

Speaker 64 stop being like that.

Speaker 15 No, that's what this whole thing is about.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 11 So give me the balut.

Speaker 21 Yeah, yeah. Tony, don't throw it.

Speaker 30 Don't be a fucking dick, dude.

Speaker 13 I'm going to throw up.

Speaker 2 You're going to eat it.

Speaker 15 All right, you're going to watch me throw up.

Speaker 18 That's fine. We'll watch you.

Speaker 2 No, I'm not going to eat it.

Speaker 17 That's so fucking rude. It's my people, dude.

Speaker 85 Okay, bring the balut.

Speaker 23 I'm not going to eat it.

Speaker 71 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Nope. Oh, my God.

Speaker 24 All right.

Speaker 50 So, now, honestly, where do you get the Balut?

Speaker 23 Put it there. I'm not gonna get it.

Speaker 7 You don't get this at Vaughn's. Where do you get this at?

Speaker 45 Where did you get it? Vaughn's.

Speaker 45 I ordered it.

Speaker 50 The Vaughn's in the Philippines.

Speaker 67 Alright, so you just break this open?

Speaker 60 Get him over a napkin.

Speaker 49 Oh, yeah, give me a napkin because I've never had this before.

Speaker 35 Don't be a dick. No, no, no, I'm not thinking.

Speaker 79 I'm going to take my jacket off because I'm sweating for some reason.

Speaker 67 Oh, God. I'm scared.

Speaker 57 I've never,

Speaker 15 alright, so people, for people that remember, Balut is a Filipino.

Speaker 7 We talked about it last.

Speaker 57 I talked talked about it, yeah, yeah. Give me the napkin, right?

Speaker 85 So you just crack open the top? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 57 Alright, so let me put this back on.

Speaker 57 Let me crack open the top.

Speaker 9 Oh, don't.

Speaker 15 Oh, my God.

Speaker 63 It's so hard, it won't crack.

Speaker 65 It won't crack.

Speaker 27 You can do it on the

Speaker 56 crush it like this?

Speaker 56 Oh, my God.

Speaker 45 Oh, fuck. This fucking cracked.

Speaker 2 Okay, that's fine.

Speaker 27 Okay. Do it in

Speaker 3 Yeah, you have to drink the juice and move it.

Speaker 24 Okay, first, I'll just tell you what it is.

Speaker 7 This is like the movie Aliens.

Speaker 8 Remember the movie Aliens?

Speaker 84 First of all, smell it. Smell it.

Speaker 2 Smell it. Bro.

Speaker 15 Bro. Give me the garbage can.
I'm going to throw up.

Speaker 4 Honestly, honestly.

Speaker 6 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Honestly.

Speaker 5 Honestly. I'm going to throw up.

Speaker 4 Honestly.

Speaker 15 And I had good ramen. I had ramen that that I liked for me.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Oh my god. Alright, alright.

Speaker 4 So, so.

Speaker 57 There's juice all over the place.

Speaker 66 There's blue juice. Try the drill.

Speaker 27 I'm gonna throw up.

Speaker 4 I'm gonna throw up.

Speaker 69 Oh, my God.

Speaker 27 No, I gotta get out of here.

Speaker 15 I have to get out of here. I'm gonna throw up.

Speaker 43 Honestly, that's so fucking gross.

Speaker 35 Alright, so.

Speaker 35 Fuck.

Speaker 66 Alright, so.

Speaker 23 I'm gonna throw up. What is this part?

Speaker 65 I can't see.

Speaker 65 Oh, God.

Speaker 56 What is that part?

Speaker 56 Um, that's the, um, I think it's the foot.

Speaker 4 But that's the foot. Oh, the foot.

Speaker 20 Oh, my God. That's the foot? Let's try this yellow.

Speaker 50 What is the yellow, though?

Speaker 17 I have to know the body part.

Speaker 23 I don't want to look at eat its fucking asshole.

Speaker 56 I think it's the... It's the yolk part? Yeah.

Speaker 84 Alright, how about this, Andrew?

Speaker 15 This is my nightmare. I know.

Speaker 50 I'll eat a little bit of this.

Speaker 2 You eat a little. No.

Speaker 21 Yeah, yeah. I almost threw up now.

Speaker 2 I don't care. I'm going to try.

Speaker 4 I'm going to throw up.

Speaker 4 Oh, God.

Speaker 4 It's good.

Speaker 43 Oh, God.

Speaker 55 It's so fucking gross.

Speaker 15 Oh, God. Get that the fuck out of here.

Speaker 5 Get it out.

Speaker 23 No, no, try it.

Speaker 64 No, I'll get it out.

Speaker 4 Let's open the whole thing though.

Speaker 10 I don't think there's any duck there.

Speaker 57 I'm gonna throw up. Oh, look at the look, dude.
Look at this part.

Speaker 71 Oh, my God.

Speaker 23 I'm gonna throw up.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 65 Oh, my God.

Speaker 83 Oh, there's no face.

Speaker 20 Where's the face at? Oh, my God.

Speaker 68 Where did you get this?

Speaker 3 This is Edvon's. Oh, is that the face?

Speaker 57 Oh my god.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 15 You should be ashamed.

Speaker 92 This is what I get for joking about Thanksgiving earlier.

Speaker 46 Because I got a fucking just fucking duck juice on my fucking.

Speaker 15 Drench this table, George. So nothing.

Speaker 23 Oh my god, in bleach.

Speaker 67 Yeah, where's the sauce? You have sauce?

Speaker 15 My god, is this the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life?

Speaker 23 I mean, I'm not even kidding.

Speaker 5 No, get it away!

Speaker 27 Get it away!

Speaker 31 Dude,

Speaker 31 you forgot my roommate,

Speaker 31 never.

Speaker 41 George, get this the fuck away!

Speaker 57 Not COVID, I gotta get out of the room.

Speaker 71 Oh my god.

Speaker 71 Please.

Speaker 15 Are you gonna eat this? Can you eat that?

Speaker 8 No, you're not gonna eat that.

Speaker 23 No, she'll eat that one. Don't eat that.
There's the new one. Don't eat it.

Speaker 15 Here, here's the trash can.

Speaker 15 Oh my god, I'll be right back.

Speaker 55 If you had a ranch, are you being real?

Speaker 15 No, I need to wash my hands. Yeah, yeah, me.
Because I fucking coughed into my hands.

Speaker 15 Oh, my fucking god.

Speaker 76 Rudy,

Speaker 15 how much is a blued egg?

Speaker 76 One dollar, um, no, 25 cents.

Speaker 102 25 cents?

Speaker 15 That's what a little bird's life is worth. 25 cents.

Speaker 4 Yeah. Rocks are more expensive.
By far. Yeah.

Speaker 15 You know what's so funny? For people that didn't see the other episode, we talked about Balut. It's a baby duck that they eat in the Philippines.
And they just... What do you got? Salt?

Speaker 15 Oh, my God.

Speaker 57 Are you really going to eat it? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 51 How do you know if it's not rotten?

Speaker 15 I mean, it smells rotten.

Speaker 84 Is it rotten?

Speaker 34 I'll try.

Speaker 59 I don't think so.

Speaker 7 Oh, you try first, and then your stomach hurts, then you stop? What the fuck? The Philippines.

Speaker 90 What kind of system is that?

Speaker 15 I just, I can't. And do you eat it in one whole bite?

Speaker 76 Everything? No.

Speaker 3 Do you eat that? Oh, it's good.

Speaker 4 It's good? No.

Speaker 76 God.

Speaker 15 Look, I respect the culture. No, you don't.
No, I do.

Speaker 21 No, you don't.

Speaker 15 And you know what I want want to say?

Speaker 15 I'm sorry to the Native Americans for what they did.

Speaker 4 What? Yes. Why?

Speaker 15 I'm getting reflective.

Speaker 63 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 You're so sorry.

Speaker 15 Because what Western Europeans did to the Native Americans is disgusting, and it's not funny, and it's gross, and this is giving me perspective.

Speaker 85 Well, I don't know if this is a problem, but I can ask a question.

Speaker 26 Yeah.

Speaker 7 So she likes this actor.

Speaker 60 What's the actor that she likes?

Speaker 30 Cool.

Speaker 85 Some Hispanic actor that she likes.

Speaker 79 Michael Pena?

Speaker 103 No.

Speaker 54 If it's him, I'd kill myself.

Speaker 79 Fluffy? No, really.

Speaker 67 Yeah, so anyway, I go,

Speaker 22 we were hooking up and I go, blow me, I go, blow me like that actor, the guy that you liked, right?

Speaker 31 And she did things that she's never done before to my day.

Speaker 15 Because she pretended you were who?

Speaker 33 Some other actor, right?

Speaker 21 So I got an

Speaker 85 shaft and she started licking my balls, right?

Speaker 56 And then she spit on it and she was like sucking on the hair.

Speaker 100 Like, I was like, and I go, stop!

Speaker 73 I go, stop doing it like that.

Speaker 60 and then I got I got mad I go

Speaker 10 That's you do it better for the other guy?

Speaker 15 Yeah, of course, but that's okay, but that should be okay in a healthy sexual relationship fantasy fantasy fantasy you don't do ever fancy you don't ever think she's somebody else do I want those moves too you you just got them you got it exactly yeah but as for me no well you're not you anymore yeah you're not you anymore you've been together too long Because if I email a girl and she's like, do it like Natalie Portman, I wouldn't go and do all the young man spit and do the whole fucking thing.

Speaker 40 You know what I mean?

Speaker 15 No, you'd sit and have a conversation with her.

Speaker 95 She's Natalie Portman, now an award-winning actress.

Speaker 21 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 15 What do you mean? Do you ever visualize she's somebody else?

Speaker 105 Or when I'm at in my mind, maybe?

Speaker 82 Yes. Yeah.
Do you do it?

Speaker 15 You have to. Yeah, you don't have a choice.

Speaker 51 You have to.

Speaker 26 What do you mean?

Speaker 15 Once you've had sex with your significant other enough,

Speaker 15 your mind has to make up that there's something else. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Absolutely, man.

Speaker 85 We do role-playing.

Speaker 26 Oh, you do? What role play?

Speaker 45 Okay, I'll say it and then I'll see if it's okay to say it.

Speaker 4 Yeah.

Speaker 15 Yeah, we'll see if if it's okay.

Speaker 90 Hold on.

Speaker 90 We do camp stuff.

Speaker 15 Like you're camping?

Speaker 47 No, like we're at a summer camp.

Speaker 15 Like she's a counselor and you're a student?

Speaker 15 No shit.

Speaker 76 Dope.

Speaker 15 What is her name? Does she have a counselor name?

Speaker 54 No.

Speaker 104 I just call her Counselor Kalila.

Speaker 15 Counselor Kalila?

Speaker 61 And she's like, yes, little boy.

Speaker 15 How old are you in this fantasy? Are you Jewish? Do you put on a yarmulke?

Speaker 15 Is it Jewish summer camp?

Speaker 16 But I have asthma like Jewish people do.

Speaker 77 I have psoriasis like a Jewish.

Speaker 7 Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 68 No, Dairy.

Speaker 45 Go ahead. So So I, um,

Speaker 9 yeah, I'm a kid.

Speaker 15 You're a little boy, and you're, what happened? Did you be bad? Were you bad by the lake?

Speaker 79 Look at her.

Speaker 84 Is that uncomfortable?

Speaker 4 No, it's fine.

Speaker 15 Do you want her out? She can get out of the room while you tell this nasty story.

Speaker 33 It's not nasty.

Speaker 104 Well, it's beautiful. Okay.

Speaker 7 Yeah. So I'll go like, did you get in trouble by the lake?

Speaker 15 What did you do? Huh?

Speaker 7 What did you do, bad boy?

Speaker 85 She's like, come here, Tammy. She'll give me a name.
Timmy?

Speaker 94 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 102 I go, what did I do wrong?

Speaker 26 I'll do a boy.

Speaker 7 Yeah.

Speaker 50 We're like, you know.

Speaker 7 And she's like, you know, you know, I told you, you know, to put away the equipment and you didn't put away the equipment.

Speaker 79 Right, you left the balls out.

Speaker 102 No, but I know I was playing with Johnny and the boys or whatever.

Speaker 85 And then she'll go, like, yeah, but when I say something, so let me take your pants off. You need a spanking.

Speaker 76 Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 26 I'll go, okay.

Speaker 7 Right. And I'll slowly, right.

Speaker 56 Meanwhile, like, when she sees the underwear, it's just

Speaker 4 already, right? Hard as a red. I like it, right? Yeah.

Speaker 61 Do you have on little boys underwear for the course?

Speaker 79 I only have teddy weddies. So

Speaker 7 one pair, there's a brown streak, and it's all wet in the tip. It's a tip.

Speaker 85 There's a tip there. That's wet.

Speaker 45 And then she'll go, lay on your back.

Speaker 85 I'm going to give you a spanking, right?

Speaker 22 And I'll go, I'll lay on my back, but how can you spank me if I'm on my back?

Speaker 82 Right? Right.

Speaker 22 She goes, you're clever, Timmy.

Speaker 76 Right?

Speaker 4 And

Speaker 4 she goes,

Speaker 102 she goes, you know your magic stick? I go,

Speaker 6 you mean my pee-pee.

Speaker 102 Your magic stick.

Speaker 55 And I go,

Speaker 55 I peek.

Speaker 4 Right?

Speaker 4 Take out your peepee.

Speaker 102 What are you going to do?

Speaker 102 I scared.

Speaker 4 I always say that. You scared?

Speaker 3 I scared.

Speaker 105 Right? Yeah. And then she,

Speaker 105 you know what I mean?

Speaker 102 Let me kiss it like a lollipop.

Speaker 105 I'm already coming.

Speaker 60 Sure.

Speaker 54 I mean, that juices are just like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 7 It's like bubbling.

Speaker 33 Yeah. You know what I mean? Like little fucking cum bubbles.

Speaker 26 That's hot.

Speaker 4 Right, right. That is hot.

Speaker 47 But then it's like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 48 But then it turns into, well, I'm Timmy and she's on top of me.

Speaker 55 Right. She'll go, she'll switch it up, which is, I don't like.

Speaker 4 She's like, I'm Mark now.

Speaker 35 No, but no, something like that.

Speaker 17 She'll go, like, you know,

Speaker 62 do you like it, Mark? Or Frank?

Speaker 56 So I have to be a play a different character.

Speaker 15 Oh, she wants you to switch me.

Speaker 21 Right, right.

Speaker 24 So like, she's now fucked everyone at the camp.

Speaker 4 Oh, shit.

Speaker 40 Yeah, you know what I mean?

Speaker 67 Like, she's like a serial.

Speaker 19 She's like, run a train on me.

Speaker 17 But now it's now it turns into like very aggressive.

Speaker 50 Right. Right.

Speaker 62 Where, like, I've already, now I'm Mark and I've already heard the rumors, right?

Speaker 15 Right. So you know what she's been saying.

Speaker 7 I knew all the things, and I don't want to because maybe I'm gay or whatever.

Speaker 60 Right.

Speaker 45 So it turns into me trying to get not maybe.

Speaker 51 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What? Not maybe. Yeah.

Speaker 40 No, we are.

Speaker 15 He may have something good, he may have nothing. You never know with him.

Speaker 15 He's a fancy bee.

Speaker 15 fancy bee.

Speaker 4 Fancy bee.

Speaker 15 Our special guest is Andreas de Fancy B Rosende. We're excited.

Speaker 15 He's going to be giving us his stand-up comedy stylings, and if he's good enough, he's going to open for me and Bobo when we go back on the road.

Speaker 23 You ready?

Speaker 3 You ready? Okay.

Speaker 23 Yeah, let's ready.

Speaker 15 Let's hear it, sweetheart.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 37 Wait a second.

Speaker 23 I'm ready. Yeah?

Speaker 37 Wait a second.

Speaker 45 He has to wear his dice jacket.

Speaker 3 What's up?

Speaker 15 Is that a rack of DVDs back there, or is that books?

Speaker 23 Oh shit.

Speaker 3 What's up, motherfuckers?

Speaker 3 He has to keep coming back for more, huh?

Speaker 37 I guess you really need some talent on this show.

Speaker 37 Who produces this shit, by the way? Because everyone's seeing George. They want to miss him.

Speaker 37 How bad do you have to suck at your job?

Speaker 37 that you get replaced by a high school girl and the show gets better.

Speaker 37 In what?

Speaker 3 Laughing too hard?

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 37 It was so loud in the end that the neighbors called animal control because they thought you guys have a hyena in the room. Yours reminds me to that kid in Home Alone.

Speaker 37 If he grew up to have dancing,

Speaker 37 he wants to be a comedian. Oh, yeah.
He really wants to understand that. Your comedic inspiration is done in Kruger.

Speaker 37 Because you suck, but you don't know how much you suck.

Speaker 3 Learn from me. What do you mean?

Speaker 37 My comedic inspiration?

Speaker 3 Freddy Krueger.

Speaker 37 Because I kill every time. Even in your dreams.

Speaker 37 Anyway, so let's talk to someone else. Who else is here? Oh, yeah.
Let's go to our favorite mute of bad friends. Rose.

Speaker 37 Hey, Rose, what a journey you had.

Speaker 37 You left Mayo Head Ed for this year?

Speaker 27 I know.

Speaker 37 Look, Rose or Jules or Rudy, you had more nicknames

Speaker 37 than what you have said in this video.

Speaker 37 It looks like you auditioning for the quiet place every time.

Speaker 37 And still,

Speaker 37 you got more lines in than Bobby and the rom kiss.

Speaker 93 Oh, he takes out the mic, he's slapping it and he loves it.

Speaker 3 Wow!

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 37 Are you you're saying something, Jules? You have to speak into the mic.

Speaker 37 You know who that might girl?

Speaker 37 Like Andrew would be speaking on the center of the disaster artist

Speaker 37 because smell like George's breath, which smells like walls.

Speaker 37 Because he sucked so much of it.

Speaker 37 Jules, I wanted to understand your struggles. So, I saw Antides Piance.

Speaker 37 Rose's dad lives on a pig farm.

Speaker 37 So, how do you manage to find the only place in America that is worse than living with a pig? Living with Bobby Lee?

Speaker 37 See, what is the American dream? Cleaning millionaire's houses. That sounds more like the Mexican dream to me.

Speaker 37 I sympathize. I also came here looking for the American dream.
But mine doesn't include a knife and bitch hand. You have some psycho dreams, girl.
Living with Bobby Lee is like living with a puppy.

Speaker 37 Except you can probably train a puppy.

Speaker 37 You're playing video games than in real life.

Speaker 37 You came here as a teenager, and now you have to raise one.

Speaker 3 Wow.

Speaker 37 Anyway, that's all I got for you guys.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 15 Hey, let's heckle you. Now we get to heckle you.

Speaker 37 Sure thing.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 15 Yeah, look at it. What's up, Pablo espresso bar?

Speaker 15 I like that jean jacket. Whose is that? Tell me that's your girlfriend's.

Speaker 23 This,

Speaker 23 yeah.

Speaker 37 No, this is George's.

Speaker 2 That's even better.

Speaker 20 That's even better. All right, see you.

Speaker 15 Andres, great job.

Speaker 20 We love you. We love you.

Speaker 3 Really fun.

Speaker 50 Bye, buddy. Real fun, bud.

Speaker 15 You're the guy inside.

Speaker 9 What a chance. What a guy.

Speaker 3 I brought a Ouija board.

Speaker 27 No, no, I can't do it.

Speaker 20 Please. No,

Speaker 8 I'm not doing a Ouija board.

Speaker 15 Let's contact your dad.

Speaker 2 Please.

Speaker 26 Please.

Speaker 15 Put your hand.

Speaker 15 It's just one hand.

Speaker 15 It's one hand.

Speaker 53 Let's do it.

Speaker 15 It is real. I know.
And we're going to respect it.

Speaker 15 We're not.

Speaker 15 We have every idea.

Speaker 15 So am I.

Speaker 15 I know it's real.

Speaker 3 So?

Speaker 15 You just have to say goodbye, and it closes the door. You start on Ouija.

Speaker 15 Here's the rules. Put your headphones on, put your mic back.

Speaker 15 Here's the rules.

Speaker 45 You start on Ouija.

Speaker 15 Oh, that's not good. Blowing out a candle at the beginning is a bad omen.

Speaker 15 Oh, boy, is that not good.

Speaker 15 Now that's actually scary to me.

Speaker 15 I know, but that's what it's supposed to do.

Speaker 94 It's a crickle-crackle candle.

Speaker 15 Put on your headphones and get your microphone near your mouth.

Speaker 15 Okay?

Speaker 92 The proper way to do this is for you to put a hand and I put a hand.

Speaker 3 Okay?

Speaker 23 Alright, here we go.

Speaker 15 Bob, hold on. Listen.
Listen to me. We're going to contact your pops.

Speaker 3 Okay?

Speaker 15 What's his name again?

Speaker 15 Robert. Robert E.
Lee.

Speaker 3 Yeah. Bob Lee.

Speaker 15 We have to say goodbye at the end, otherwise, his spirit will still remain.

Speaker 4 Alright?

Speaker 15 Now put you two hands on. Two hands.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 15 Now calmly and slowly, the bravest amongst us asks the first question.

Speaker 3 So go ahead.

Speaker 90 Dad, are you in heaven?

Speaker 15 I'm not touching. I am not moving.
Look.

Speaker 23 Yeah, you are. No, I'm not.

Speaker 85 You have to be.

Speaker 4 No, I'm not.

Speaker 15 I promise I'm.

Speaker 15 What is it? What is it?

Speaker 27 T.

Speaker 15 T? Yeah.

Speaker 15 What does that say?

Speaker 15 I can't read it. I can't see it.
What is it?

Speaker 5 TG? TG.

Speaker 15 I don't know what it is. What's TG?

Speaker 56 He's at TGI Fridays.

Speaker 85 He loved TGI Fridays.

Speaker 15 Are you being serious?

Speaker 43 Yeah, he loved TGI Fridays.

Speaker 85 That's his favorite fucking restaurant.

Speaker 15 Well, let's ask him another question. Obviously, he's having fun.

Speaker 3 This is fun. See?

Speaker 2 TGI Fridays in heaven.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow.

Speaker 15 Let's ask. Okay.

Speaker 15 Um,

Speaker 15 I want to ask him a question about you

Speaker 15 Do you miss Bobby? Okay. Do you miss Bobby?

Speaker 15 Lightly, lightly. Put your finger.
No, don't wean.

Speaker 23 Don't lean your weight on it.

Speaker 15 Should be like this. I'm not.

Speaker 15 You're pulling it. I'm not.
I swear to God, I'm not pulling it. Look.

Speaker 15 Lightly.

Speaker 15 You're pulling it. No, I'm not.
I'm not.

Speaker 5 You're so strong. I'm not pulling.

Speaker 15 I did not pull it. Because I tried to pull it wouldn't pull my way.
I'm not pulling it.

Speaker 23 Come here. You have to go.

Speaker 69 I am not pulling it.

Speaker 15 You have strong fingers. Do you miss Bobby?

Speaker 4 Bobby.

Speaker 5 I'm not.

Speaker 5 You have to be pulling.

Speaker 4 I'm not.

Speaker 35 Oh, you gotta be kidding me. I'm not.

Speaker 26 You're pulling it, pushing it my way.

Speaker 21 No, I'm not.

Speaker 2 What's that?

Speaker 27 It says you.

Speaker 75 The letter you.

Speaker 15 Does he miss you?

Speaker 106 No, so what was the question?

Speaker 15 Does he miss you?

Speaker 100 Okay, let's let that let's get the other letters.

Speaker 27 Alright.

Speaker 59 What is that?

Speaker 23 M.

Speaker 5 U. M.

Speaker 56 Oh, I know what it is.

Speaker 15 What's UM?

Speaker 45 So ask me if I'm the dad.

Speaker 85 Ask me.

Speaker 15 Mr. Lee, do you miss do you miss Bobby?

Speaker 15 So he doesn't okay.

Speaker 31 No, he's thinking about it.

Speaker 15 Oh, he doesn't know you know or you and the University of Montana is there month is there University of Montana of course there is

Speaker 15 no be real home of the buff bluffs. Yeah

Speaker 56 So maybe that has something to do with it.

Speaker 85 Because my dad my dad lived in Montana for a bit

Speaker 23 What you am,

Speaker 15 Bobby, uh, Mr. Lee, tell us

Speaker 69 what's the one thing

Speaker 15 what's the one thing that you would ask Bobby now about what's going on?

Speaker 15 What do you want to know about Bobby?

Speaker 57 What do you, yeah, what do you want to know about me, Dad?

Speaker 15 Wait, G.

Speaker 52 Oh my god,

Speaker 15 what is that?

Speaker 15 You have to recenter it. Go back to the Ouija and recenter it.
Put your fingers on lightly.

Speaker 4 I'm not.

Speaker 15 Oh my god.

Speaker 15 A GA

Speaker 87 Why?

Speaker 3 Gag.

Speaker 7 You are pulling it with your fucking.

Speaker 23 Say goodbye. Say goodbye.

Speaker 50 Say goodbye. Goodbye, Dad.

Speaker 4 Bye, Dad.

Speaker 46 He's how many days now? Fifteen days.

Speaker 7 Fifteen days of no pornography.

Speaker 87 Wow. Wow.

Speaker 91 Wait, How bad was your problem, Steve?

Speaker 107 It wasn't that it was

Speaker 107 bad, bad. It was that

Speaker 107 I didn't like what pornography was doing to my mind.

Speaker 23 Sure. Sure.

Speaker 107 Because I realized,

Speaker 107 I mean, because, you know, we're messed up. I mean, I'm not blaming him.

Speaker 107 He definitely, I know, we have. Nothing to do with it.

Speaker 12 I know, I know. But you, you want, you know, don't clump me in with your shit.

Speaker 107 But I just remember it was a progressive thing as far as I remember younger. This this is before the internet, like him having like a DVD.

Speaker 107 He had a whole like collection of them, and I would take one or two and then. How many

Speaker 95 three?

Speaker 3 You?

Speaker 84 He could have filled up like an amoeba record, like a whole store.

Speaker 42 You know those, what are those booklets?

Speaker 14 You know those booklets where he put CDs in?

Speaker 86 You know those books, those big black, thick booklets?

Speaker 26 He had hundreds of those.

Speaker 12 Just collections. Like the Beatles.

Speaker 27 Collections.

Speaker 19 Collections.

Speaker 5 Collections.

Speaker 72 Yeah, just collectors.

Speaker 4 Just failed.

Speaker 4 Failed.

Speaker 88 Sorry.

Speaker 92 But the rest, but Steve, Steve, let me ask you, though.

Speaker 92 So what was the reason that you quit?

Speaker 6 What was the moment?

Speaker 107 Well, I realized that

Speaker 107 it affected just

Speaker 107 my relationship. Sex life?

Speaker 107 Yeah, or just it just kind of like it not only desensitized me like as far as because I noticed too, like when I was like, like I would be on Pornhub or X videos, my searches would be a little bit more

Speaker 107 further, like going kind of outside the box, you know? Like what?

Speaker 88 Give us an example.

Speaker 107 Well, it started with just like

Speaker 107 PLV Doggy or, you know, something like that. Or, you know,

Speaker 107 cream pie or, you know,

Speaker 107 just like your,

Speaker 107 I don't know if that's standard.

Speaker 4 That is, that's running

Speaker 107 the milk. But then it started going into like crackhead cream pie.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 10 And then well, I'm not done there though.

Speaker 107 So it started with that and then

Speaker 107 it started progressing to grandma.

Speaker 107 Like grandmother stuff.

Speaker 6 Grandma cream pie.

Speaker 107 I was like looking at granny.

Speaker 5 He goes, I was looking at grandmothers.

Speaker 17 He goes, Bob.

Speaker 39 I go, yeah.

Speaker 20 He goes, do you ever masturbate to grandmothers?

Speaker 4 To grandma. I go,

Speaker 19 like, who does?

Speaker 39 No.

Speaker 6 He goes, oh, okay. And he's hung up.

Speaker 2 So just the...

Speaker 107 Just the type of...

Speaker 4 Why do I like grandma's?

Speaker 107 Well, I'll tell you how it makes you feel afterwards.

Speaker 107 When you're laying there and you had just ejaculated watching a grandmother

Speaker 107 getting cream-pied,

Speaker 45 you don't feel so good about yourself.

Speaker 2 No, no.

Speaker 78 I wouldn't.

Speaker 31 Think you would.

Speaker 107 Yeah. I mean, that walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up is a lot more worse than

Speaker 88 I would especially if it's me playing in the background

Speaker 83 Yeah the bad friends drinking game

Speaker 67 Here's how you play

Speaker 67 Every time Bobby Lee says

Speaker 101 is that the thing is is that because the thing is is that the thing is is that the thing is is that the the thing is is that the thing is is that your thing is is that have a drink

Speaker 15 must be legal drinking age to play but whatever dude we're not the fucking cops okay

Speaker 15 wow that's really nice of you but i'm doing this for you because i really want you to care though really or yeah see this is what's annoying is it for everyone this is the crux of what we're talking about

Speaker 24 yeah why do you here's my question for you why is it why do you have to assume ill intent with everything that either one of us are doing when it comes to our friendship towards you automatically yeah it's just automatically there's some kind of agenda i have no agenda I have genuine love for you.

Speaker 24 I'm going to tell you why.

Speaker 15 Let me explain something real fast. Yes, it's on the show because I think it's entertaining to put on the show, but I knew the only way you would take me serious is if I put it on the show.

Speaker 15 If I said I'm going to get you hitting up therapist off air, you'd be like, I don't want to do a fuck you. Shut up, leave me alone.

Speaker 67 I'm just going to give you an example.

Speaker 4 True, true.

Speaker 24 I'm just going to give you an example. This

Speaker 45 encapsulates my relationships with you, Hollywood types.

Speaker 15 Oh, my God.

Speaker 6 Oh, my God.

Speaker 4 You're the most Hollywood. How are you going to do that?

Speaker 74 I'm a man of the people.

Speaker 19 You're the most a man of the people.

Speaker 27 You're wearing a $9,000 shirt.

Speaker 28 What? You're wearing a $9,000 shirt.

Speaker 67 $90 a shirt.

Speaker 2 You're the most Hollywood Earth.

Speaker 4 You're the most Hollywood guy on earth.

Speaker 11 I take a very big offense to that.

Speaker 4 Oh, you're the Hollywood guy. I'm a man of the people.
Oh, all right.

Speaker 24 I grind it out with the fucking common folk.

Speaker 15 You complain constantly about not being around common folk.

Speaker 15 You say stuff that you know what you said to me on the phone when we had dinner at the house?

Speaker 61 What, what? About the steak thing?

Speaker 15 And I said, oh, man, I should go get steaks. And you go, ew, ew, no, have someone bring us steaks.
That's what you said.

Speaker 42 Yeah, postmates. Was he complaining?

Speaker 72 Poostmates.

Speaker 42 Because he's always telling me I'm i'm complaining yeah but all this motherfucker does is complain yeah i'm gonna tell you but the narrative is out there that all these fucking idiot ass fans like oh you complain you need to get gripping because anything he says so i gotta have fat lando for the rest of my fucking life

Speaker 42 you know all this shit that these people say to me and that's that's one of these narratives where i go this motherfucker complains all the time we you we commiserate with each other but then you put it out there like i'm the only

Speaker 75 one to tell you a story of that encapsulates please my fucking relationship with you hollywood types Okay, I'm gonna say that again.

Speaker 6 Go ahead, we're not Hollywood types, all right.

Speaker 45 So, um, I have a friend named Steve Byrne, we know him well, okay.

Speaker 46 So, um, he calls me one day and he says, Is this an Asian beef?

Speaker 90 It's not an Asian beef, okay?

Speaker 7 I'm just no, wait, because he happens to be half Korean.

Speaker 95 I love, I love Asian beef, by the way, yeah, it's delicious, Mongolian, yeah,

Speaker 15 go ahead.

Speaker 47 He calls me one day and he goes, I'm doing a movie, I'm doing a movie, he says, right?

Speaker 3 And I go, Okay, cool, I want you in it.

Speaker 96 Thank you.

Speaker 16 A week later,

Speaker 85 when I'm supposed to shoot, right,

Speaker 75 I see Jimmy Oyang going, I'm in Steve Burns' movie.

Speaker 9 He's good.

Speaker 15 He's a good actor, and he's very funny.

Speaker 30 Listen, I picked Steve Burns.

Speaker 4 I would pick Jimmy Oyang.

Speaker 6 I get that.

Speaker 4 That's really good. Go ahead.

Speaker 83 It's either him or Dat fan.

Speaker 4 You know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Either or, either or.

Speaker 27 All right, all right.

Speaker 15 Anyway, you see Jimmy Oyang.

Speaker 96 You see Jimmy Ory's shooting the movie.

Speaker 7 Right. So I call Steve and I go,

Speaker 51 hey, I thought you called me for the movie.

Speaker 90 He goes, yeah, you know, I just, I'm going to use Jimmy Oyang.

Speaker 31 Yeah.

Speaker 7 You know, but was my feelings hurt?

Speaker 56 No, because that's what I expect out of you types.

Speaker 89 This is not, Steve Byrne has nothing to do with us.

Speaker 10 Wait, wait, Andrew, Andrew, Andrew.

Speaker 93 Would this kind of be like if I said,

Speaker 77 hey, let's do a podcast

Speaker 68 together.

Speaker 9 Yeah.

Speaker 61 And then you go,

Speaker 68 I decided to go with Andrew.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 21 Because see, you Hollywood types.

Speaker 6 No, you Hollywood types.

Speaker 3 Listen.

Speaker 6 You're a Hollywood motherfucker.

Speaker 60 Hey, you.

Speaker 4 You a Hollywood motherfucker.

Speaker 27 I already told you.

Speaker 4 How is it different? Tell me how it's told.

Speaker 10 I already told you what.

Speaker 4 You two Hollywood types.

Speaker 43 I said, right, stop.

Speaker 2 I said,

Speaker 8 like to you, I said, you know how he is like. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Right? He's a bully.

Speaker 84 He's aggressive. He's a bully.

Speaker 60 He's a bully.

Speaker 21 Shut up. It's a big one.

Speaker 21 Shut up.

Speaker 62 And he's cornering me into a fucking, like, you know, it's like.

Speaker 61 And you know, I'm nice.

Speaker 24 You're nice.

Speaker 68 And you took advantage of that and didn't tell me like you wanted Steve Byrne to tell you.

Speaker 4 No, that's not true. Okay.

Speaker 45 I'm just saying that I already called you.

Speaker 68 Would you have wanted a respectful call from Steve Byrne being like, Bobby, I've actually decided to go in a different direction.

Speaker 42 Would you have liked that call? Would that have made you feel good?

Speaker 24 Right. And that's why I called you.
You didn't.

Speaker 45 This is the same call.

Speaker 7 No. Yeah, I called you and I said,

Speaker 105 talk man to man, right?

Speaker 33 Friend to friend, right? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 18 And I said, wow, you know what? Was I on that call?

Speaker 4 That call? Yeah.

Speaker 15 I called you. So he threw me under the bus.
He goes, he's a bully. He blamed everything on me.
By the way, this wasn't even my idea.

Speaker 35 Whose idea was it?

Speaker 10 Yours? My idea?

Speaker 15 Kalila was the first one that said, you guys really should. The fans on the last belly said, you should, you should, you should.

Speaker 86 So then it was, you should, you should, you should.

Speaker 15 And then we finally just, I said, do you want to do one? I'll do one. Are we going to do one or no?

Speaker 15 And then you said, well, you know, Griff had asked me before, but it never worked out because then we did belly. And And then you said to me, no, we can't do a show.
And I said, okay.

Speaker 42 And then I said,

Speaker 15 do you want to do one or not? After the third time, we did the show.

Speaker 86 And, well, you guys should just do one together.

Speaker 30 So don't put it on me.

Speaker 47 No,

Speaker 18 you're twisting my fucking mind right now.

Speaker 104 How? You're a mind twister.

Speaker 78 How?

Speaker 3 That's true.

Speaker 72 To Talia.

Speaker 27 Tatalia.

Speaker 4 He's a mind twister right now, Judith, right?

Speaker 81 I am upset to leave everyone here in L.A.

Speaker 18 And it's not true.

Speaker 8 I do.

Speaker 15 And I'm so excited to go to Hawaii.

Speaker 45 I'm so excited, but I'm very excited as as well. And I'm so grateful for my life.

Speaker 4 I really am.

Speaker 19 I love everything.

Speaker 54 I look around my life.

Speaker 85 I walk outside my, I wake up and I walk outside my house.

Speaker 45 I look to see little Jewel sleeping in her room and the dogs, you know what I mean, running around.

Speaker 57 And I look at my beautiful girlfriend.

Speaker 26 You're about to say wife.

Speaker 9 Soon to be wife.

Speaker 9 Are you really going to get married? I'm going to marry her, yeah.

Speaker 4 When?

Speaker 15 Soon. Well, the fans want to know.

Speaker 45 I just don't know how to do it.

Speaker 9 The engagement?

Speaker 15 Yeah. Would you have a ring?

Speaker 95 I'll get one.

Speaker 15 Well, that's probably the first step. You have to go to the eye.

Speaker 100 Get Etsy or something, get it.

Speaker 15 Not on Etsy, eBay.

Speaker 84 Etsy. eBay.

Speaker 35 Etsy's cheaper.

Speaker 3 Is it?

Speaker 105 I don't know. I'll go to eBay.

Speaker 15 What do you think you would do for a proposal?

Speaker 31 Probably put it in a cupcake, but then she won't eat the whole thing.

Speaker 94 Right.

Speaker 18 Yeah, she doesn't eat it.

Speaker 7 And then I'll do it. You got to eat more of it.

Speaker 15 You know what you should do? What? Have one of the dogs eat it

Speaker 15 and be like, oh my God, we have to take him to the vet. And they go to the vet, and then they cut the dog open

Speaker 21 and put the ring inside.

Speaker 30 Yeah, and the dog is hemorrhaging hemorrhaging and and and while it's bleeding out i look out and they find the ring i go will you marry me perfect oh wow that's a good one perfect yeah you just got to hope the dog doesn't die yeah but if it does you're already at the vet or stick the ring inside the ain't my anal canal canal canal canal canal right and i'll say finger me right will she and then she fingers me with this i go no with this finger use your ring finger ring finger right and she and right and then boom and then as she pulls it out.

Speaker 82 Yeah, it's on.

Speaker 46 Will you marry me? That's perfect.

Speaker 26 Pretty good.

Speaker 85 What else is another one?

Speaker 15 Oh, Rudy, are any of these good, do you think, are a good way for a girl to get proposed to?

Speaker 34 I like the dog going.

Speaker 4 The one where.

Speaker 31 Of course you do. So creepy.
I know, because everything that I do, right, you don't like.

Speaker 15 No, no, she likes, she likes, she likes how sadistic it is.

Speaker 15 Yours is dirty, and this one was death. She likes death.

Speaker 46 Oh, she wants sadistic and death.

Speaker 15 Yeah, like Rudy's the kind of person that.

Speaker 56 All right, well, then I stick the ring.

Speaker 4 Right?

Speaker 61 If you walk into a green room,

Speaker 62 there are some comics, and they can't help themselves.

Speaker 55 They'll go,

Speaker 33 when I walk in.

Speaker 77 They do that too when you walk in.

Speaker 41 When I walk in.

Speaker 17 And then I've been conditioned to laugh at it.

Speaker 22 But it hurts.

Speaker 22 It burns.

Speaker 103 Really? Yeah, it burns.

Speaker 10 But you have to go,

Speaker 11 that's a good one.

Speaker 60 You know what I mean?

Speaker 24 You've seen it 30 million times in your life.

Speaker 4 Of course. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 10 Which is when they go, gong, and then they giggle.

Speaker 84 You know what I mean?

Speaker 61 People are really doing that.

Speaker 33 Oh, yeah, yeah, when you walk in the room, yeah.

Speaker 108 Well, tell tell Tom about you learning about microaggressions.

Speaker 45 All right, so yesterday I went to um, I was just googling things.

Speaker 85 This is before I found out that Trump had COVID, and then I went to my high school, you know, I'm obsessed with my high school, so I went to Powwell High School.

Speaker 15 I googled that on YouTube, and then they go, Wait, you're obsessed with your high school, yeah, because it's so pathetic because he wants to be in the high school hall of fame.

Speaker 92 They don't respect me, he wants to be in the alumni, the notable alumni.

Speaker 22 They don't like me, they don't like me.

Speaker 40 How are you not in the notable alumni?

Speaker 4 I am on Global.

Speaker 62 I'm not by them.

Speaker 24 Oh, right. Yeah, because I.

Speaker 2 Is this a big high school?

Speaker 25 It's pretty big. Yeah,

Speaker 54 they don't find me to be a credible

Speaker 85 entity when it comes to fame.

Speaker 96 They think that.

Speaker 109 That's kind of hard to believe, man.

Speaker 17 Well, they have people that are like, if you look it up, we've done this before on the show, where you Google, you know, their

Speaker 47 notable

Speaker 75 alums, and it's like, you know, Ving Trang, who, you know, plays the violin for the orchestra.

Speaker 33 How many seasons were you on Mad TV? Eight.

Speaker 71 Come on, man.

Speaker 109 Like, that alone.

Speaker 85 But they don't care.

Speaker 4 But anyway.

Speaker 108 The thing was on the air for eight fucking years.

Speaker 45 17.

Speaker 75 Well, the show was on air for 14 years.

Speaker 15 The one that you were on, though.

Speaker 7 Yeah, but I was on the show the last eight years of Mad TV.

Speaker 15 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 45 So I met you on the street.

Speaker 109 I met you on the street when you were doing that.

Speaker 9 And I remember that. No, you don't.

Speaker 103 What a great day.

Speaker 95 You don't remember it.

Speaker 109 i have a vivid memory of meeting him on the street this is he says this all the time go ahead tell him it was a fucking you're with some tall blonde really tall was she cute yeah she was like 6'1

Speaker 109 and then look at that i was super i was like excited to meet you yeah and uh we started um we started riffing

Speaker 109 uh like a bit right there on the street yeah and you hopped on my back That's right.

Speaker 22 Yeah, I don't remember that.

Speaker 95 I don't remember that. Yeah, I do.

Speaker 54 I hopped in your back and I go,

Speaker 96 I whipped you and I go gallop on.

Speaker 95 No, that's not the bit.

Speaker 76 Daddy. Nope.
No, no.

Speaker 109 Nope. It was about a fire rescue thing.

Speaker 109 I was rescuing you from a burning building.

Speaker 7 Tom, let me just say something.

Speaker 16 When I see people with your body type, I always jump on the back.

Speaker 109 Just body type meaning, you know, I can do deadlifts.

Speaker 48 No, no, no. Body type meaning that you're not.

Speaker 109 you know,

Speaker 49 overly fat like some people we know.

Speaker 103 Right?

Speaker 45 And you're, but you have a thickness to you.

Speaker 47 I am a thick boy. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 85 And it's, that's not a bad thing.

Speaker 92 And you, can you believe he's saying this? Bobby, you're basically like

Speaker 108 you're just a squished figure of a taller, fat guy, Bob.

Speaker 92 That's all, you're just somebody accordion to taller, fat guy.

Speaker 77 Jules like that one.

Speaker 95 Yeah.

Speaker 105 And

Speaker 103 hey, Andrew.

Speaker 108 It's true. What you talk like you're not like, you call him thick.

Speaker 92 You have such a rotund belly. You have a pot belly.

Speaker 4 I'm fat.

Speaker 10 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 19 I'm not denying that.

Speaker 92 Yeah, but you say you jump on his back because I'm smaller.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 11 A smaller fat guy is going to jump on a fatter fat guy's body.

Speaker 22 Right.

Speaker 10 Right? It's like the reverse.

Speaker 83 I'll get crushed by him.

Speaker 89 Let's go.

Speaker 110 Every fucking time. Oh, no.

Speaker 111 Oh, my God. Oh, no, no, no.

Speaker 110 You're such a fucking brat.

Speaker 110 What do you want? I want her to ask me. How I'm feeling.
And how often do you genuinely ask him how he is?

Speaker 34 You make me sound like I'm the bad guy.

Speaker 110 Get closer to the mic. back away.
Yeah, you have to get closer to the mic so we can hear you.

Speaker 111 No.

Speaker 110 Get closer to the mic.

Speaker 110 Get closer to the mic.

Speaker 110 Get closer to the mic.

Speaker 110 Get closer. Get closer to the mic.
Don't go away. Talking to the mic.
Just keep your mouth right where the mic is.

Speaker 111 Closer to the fucking mic. Closer to the mic.

Speaker 110 Get closer to the mic.

Speaker 111 Talking to the mic.

Speaker 112 Get closer to the mic, Jules. Talking to the mic.

Speaker 112 Talking to the moment. Talking to the fucking mic.

Speaker 111 Come on, Mike.

Speaker 111 Um,

Speaker 110 boo-boo.

Speaker 34 Happy Halloween get closer to the bike

Speaker 97 these mics actually get close to you

Speaker 77 I think we should just like

Speaker 97 we can take over

Speaker 97 do you think the show would be successful if we would do it

Speaker 76 maybe right maybe

Speaker 59 look we even have

Speaker 97 some of the homeless plus

Speaker 59 clothes from

Speaker 97 Tito Bobby.

Speaker 44 Yeah.

Speaker 103 Right?

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 97 Hey, welcome to Bad Friends.

Speaker 76 Hi.

Speaker 97 Right? And I can just like yell at you, because that's super easy.

Speaker 29 It's like, you're late.

Speaker 77 You're late today. Why are you late?

Speaker 59 Right? You just have to do nothing.

Speaker 97 This is the easiest job in the world. Yeah.
They don't even know how much we do.

Speaker 34 Can I still have my knife?

Speaker 59 Yeah, I think you should have your knife.

Speaker 81 Okay.

Speaker 59 That's it.

Speaker 4 There you are.

Speaker 34 If they interrupt us, then we use it.

Speaker 76 Yeah.

Speaker 97 Be so nice. I think this will be so much nicer.

Speaker 106 You're talking now? You're starting?

Speaker 106 Yeah, why don't you start the podcast?

Speaker 106 Let them start the podcast.

Speaker 8 Is it on? Everything on?

Speaker 33 Yeah.

Speaker 76 Okay, go ahead.

Speaker 60 Welcome to my friends.

Speaker 76 Hi.

Speaker 97 We decided to take over Bobby and Andrew.

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 97 Because this is such an easy job.

Speaker 34 We just get to talk and shout at each other.

Speaker 76 Right.

Speaker 76 Right. And be mean.

Speaker 97 And be mean.

Speaker 97 We could be good friends instead of bad friends.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Right?

Speaker 45 We're way nicer.

Speaker 97 So what did you do today, Juliana? Did you slept until like four?

Speaker 34 No, I slept until um five

Speaker 34 and I woke up because the constructors were coming to our house because um yesterday Tito Bobby flooded the house

Speaker 34 while we were on the beach.

Speaker 10 I didn't fucking

Speaker 89 shut up! Shut up!

Speaker 97 Yeah. Right, so what else happened?

Speaker 34 And then the floor is broken and then we have to move to another house in a week.

Speaker 97 How did he do that?

Speaker 34 I don't know.

Speaker 34 He couldn't hear it. So, but I don't believe him.

Speaker 97 Was he playing video games?

Speaker 34 He was doing yoga.

Speaker 22 Nah.

Speaker 97 He was exercising?

Speaker 34 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Oh, wow.

Speaker 97 You guys are doing a good job with him.

Speaker 97 What about you, Anya?

Speaker 34 Tito Bobby, can you get closer to the mic?

Speaker 76 I am close.

Speaker 4 Closer.

Speaker 13 This is it. It's what I end up.

Speaker 2 No, closer.

Speaker 38 I'm close now.

Speaker 14 This isn't the way.

Speaker 4 He can't get any closer than this.

Speaker 15 That's what you get. I used to read a scene from Hunter Hunter, her favorite show.

Speaker 15 And we'll let the fans decide if this is quality material or not.

Speaker 15 Which am I going to play? Which one am I?

Speaker 4 Andre.

Speaker 21 I'm Kalua. I'm Kalua.

Speaker 85 Ikalgo.

Speaker 15 Yes. Which one? You're Icalgo.
Well, go ahead and tell us how to say the names.

Speaker 4 You're the one that you're the expert.

Speaker 34 Kiloa, Kala.

Speaker 76 Kila, and Ikalgo.

Speaker 85 Ikalgo.

Speaker 33 Which do I get?

Speaker 15 I don't.

Speaker 15 This is my wig that they got for me.

Speaker 4 Do you want to wear this?

Speaker 99 No, you can wear it.

Speaker 15 It's not going to fit on your head. Well, because I need to look Asian.
You guys do look Asian.

Speaker 15 I'm the only one in here that doesn't look Asian, so I need to look like an Asian.

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 61 Do I look Asian?

Speaker 27 No, no, no, no.

Speaker 4 That didn't work. I don't look Asian?

Speaker 33 No, you look better.

Speaker 15 I look gooder. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I look more good.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 15 I'm Kalua, and who's Rudy?

Speaker 105 Nothing.

Speaker 15 Rudy's not in this. No.

Speaker 21 Or he's going to read. Oh,

Speaker 15 you're going to be the narrator. Yeah.
Yeah, because we can't hear Fancy B. He's too tough to make out.
Okay, here we go. This is a scene from Hunter Hunter, Rudy's favorite show.
Look at her smile.

Speaker 69 Look at her fat.

Speaker 15 See, we try to make her happy, too.

Speaker 4 Okay, ready? Yeah. Go ahead, Rude.

Speaker 34 Previously on Hunter, Hunter.

Speaker 113 These suction cups save me.

Speaker 23 Anyway,

Speaker 113 aren't you an octopus? Aww.

Speaker 20 Intro sequence: Hunter, Hunter.

Speaker 34 Go ahead. Strange beasts and monsters, vast riches, hidden treasures, evil hunts, uncharted frontiers, the mysterious unknown.

Speaker 34 The people who are captivated by the magic in those worlds are called hunters.

Speaker 34 A mob of assassins attacks Kilowa after he and Gon split up to stop the selection. One of them is Ikago, an octopus chimera ant.

Speaker 3 Aren't you an octopus?

Speaker 38 Don't call me an octopus!

Speaker 56 He files away. See ya!

Speaker 4 I need to find a new horse or I catch hot up my next shot.

Speaker 55 I'll let the ortho siblings take care for me here.

Speaker 34 But out of nowhere, Kiwa jumps on him, grabs his gun, and attacks and attacked himself to a rock using the Kimira arms.

Speaker 72 Yo!

Speaker 4 We meet again.

Speaker 113 Can I ask you something?

Speaker 3 Sure, go ahead.

Speaker 15 Why didn't you dive underwater to escape? You should have an advantage in the water.

Speaker 69 Don't tell me you can't swim.

Speaker 113 It's the blood, right?

Speaker 69 When they smell blood, your bodies in the water go berserk and ask the injured, no matter who it is.

Speaker 15 With those wounds, if you went in there, you'd be torn to shreds.

Speaker 4 Am I wrong? Oh, well, I suppose that one way too.

Speaker 15 Andreas, you're the dragonfly. Or dragonfly.

Speaker 28 Ikago, did you finish off the kid?

Speaker 22 No, he didn't change his voice.

Speaker 4 Jesus Christ, bro.

Speaker 31 Try to change your voice.

Speaker 31 Anything.

Speaker 15 Can't do it again.

Speaker 15 Lead him into it with your oh, well.

Speaker 13 Oh, well, I suppose that's one way, too.

Speaker 97 Ikalgo, did you finish off the kid?

Speaker 2 Same voice.

Speaker 15 He didn't even like it. Didn't make like a small attempt to change the voice.

Speaker 2 We're going to do it one more time.

Speaker 4 It's not even hard, Andreas. It's not hard at all.

Speaker 13 Oh, well, I suppose that won't weigh too.

Speaker 4 Oh,

Speaker 72 did you finish off the kid?

Speaker 29 You're fired, George.

Speaker 31 No, wait, let's give George a shot. George, go ahead.

Speaker 15 Try to be the dragonfall.

Speaker 42 Well, I suppose that one way too.

Speaker 4 Oh, I got.

Speaker 30 Did you finish off the kid?

Speaker 79 Pretty good.

Speaker 79 You're hired.

Speaker 3 No,

Speaker 84 we were still fighting.

Speaker 27 Who are you talking to?

Speaker 4 He screwed up!

Speaker 76 Wait, wait.

Speaker 24 Did we change roles there? Yep.

Speaker 7 Yep, let me do it again.

Speaker 4 Okay.

Speaker 73 No, we're still fighting

Speaker 3 Who are you talking to?

Speaker 69 I screw up right you can you all can communicate via telepathy talking to your boss It's that guy who was flying over me, right?

Speaker 47 Wait, now look here

Speaker 2 Hey, Calgo!

Speaker 20 He's Spanish.

Speaker 42 It's so funny.

Speaker 21 He sounds more Hispanic than Andres does.

Speaker 12 You could say that what I might be doing.

Speaker 86 Yes, we're still fighting.

Speaker 34 A dragonfly creature flies in the forest.

Speaker 84 I think, Jules, Jules, you're the creature.

Speaker 31 But you should do a different accent.

Speaker 4 Okay, ready?

Speaker 15 A dragonfly creature enters the forest.

Speaker 34 Oh, sorry to interrupt you. Let me know if you learn anything.
If he sees a dozen of dragonfly flying around inside a cave, the enemy would go suspicious. I won't be able to send my satellite.

Speaker 34 Dragonfly inside.

Speaker 31 Very good, Joel.

Speaker 35 Back in the cave.

Speaker 113 Let's make a deal then.

Speaker 15 If you tell me about his power, I'll spare your life.

Speaker 43 You have 10 seconds to answer.

Speaker 34 Kila throws the chimera arms in the water. The sea creatures go crazy, devouring it.

Speaker 113 Eight seconds left.

Speaker 34 Ikalgo is puzzled. Six seconds.
Ikalgo's mind wanders, dreaming.

Speaker 3 I want to protect you born a squid.

Speaker 3 I wouldn't give anything to him in a drop of

Speaker 3 forever.

Speaker 99 Do similar, if so, you're not mistaken. Octopi are ugly.

Speaker 93 Squids are squiderific.

Speaker 102 I think they look divine.

Speaker 14 Two seconds. I won't betray a body.

Speaker 34 Ikalgo cut his arm off and falls in slow motion.

Speaker 113 Yes, I could see that in your eyes.

Speaker 27 I could only hope that in my next life, I'll be born born on squeeze.

Speaker 34 With quick moves, Kiloa catches Ikalgo, rescuing from a certain death.

Speaker 113 Because you're a cool guy. In different circumstances, we could have been friends.

Speaker 87 Wow.

Speaker 18 I kind of want to watch a show now.

Speaker 4 Are we close?

Speaker 34 Your voices are very different because Kilowa is an 11-year-old.

Speaker 104 Oh. Oh.
What's Kilgalgo?

Speaker 34 Ikalgo is an octopus. He has like a squeaky voice.

Speaker 15 Why does he keep saying, don't call me an octopus, when he is one?

Speaker 34 Because he doesn't want to be an octopus.

Speaker 26 Who does he want to be?

Speaker 34 A squid, because all of his friends bully him.

Speaker 15 Oh, this is deep.

Speaker 9 Oh, we did.

Speaker 45 I wish I would. That's the context that we should have had.

Speaker 15 Well, if you read scripts, you'd know context.

Speaker 15 The lesson is learned here. That's pretty impressive, though.
I got to be honest with you. At first, I thought that was going to be like fooy, and I really did like it.

Speaker 15 Like at first, I was like, this is stupid, but it's really good, huh?

Speaker 59 Yeah.

Speaker 55 Could we try three crazy Andrew over here?

Speaker 45 He's crazy.

Speaker 79 You're nuts. Yeah.

Speaker 4 I'm a goof. Yeah.

Speaker 51 Could we try and actually get in it for at least 10 minutes at some point in this podcast?

Speaker 96 I think we should do an improv game.

Speaker 33 What do you think?

Speaker 100 So you say a sentence of a story.

Speaker 60 Just Andrew, just Andrew has never said no once.

Speaker 4 If a camera's going to be no.

Speaker 60 You know, just an old-fashioned second city improv game.

Speaker 18 You know what I mean? Where we

Speaker 40 and I'll make it up.

Speaker 7 I don't even know if this is a game, but

Speaker 7 you tell me one sentence of a story,

Speaker 7 right? One sentence. I'll do the second sentence, and we'll just keep going.

Speaker 47 Jules, you have to keep it.

Speaker 29 Oh, that is a game.

Speaker 27 You do one word.

Speaker 4 Jules. Word.
One word. One word.

Speaker 24 Everyone says one word.

Speaker 67 Is that what it is? Not the sentence.

Speaker 24 You say one word, and then you try and keep the cadence of an actual story.

Speaker 75 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 9 You want to try that?

Speaker 15 A phrase or a word?

Speaker 27 We're telling a story.

Speaker 79 Let's do the phrase.

Speaker 24 One word, I mean. Let's do a word.

Speaker 15 Okay, just a word.

Speaker 105 Yeah, so Jules, you're playing, number one.

Speaker 106 And number two, this is how it works.

Speaker 33 No, this is

Speaker 76 how you

Speaker 4 work.

Speaker 27 We'll be right back.

Speaker 56 Yeah, but that's exactly how it is.

Speaker 67 You, you, everyone says this, you know what I mean?

Speaker 7 You're supposed to say it,

Speaker 27 Jules, you're supposed to say it, but it's fine, all right?

Speaker 60 Jules, do you not want to try it?

Speaker 29 Jules, I'm ready to go.

Speaker 79 All right, once there was a pumpkin gourd in Connecticut and it

Speaker 61 went what did she say?

Speaker 4 Went yeah, this isn't gonna work. This is gonna be a lot of closer to the mic.

Speaker 25 Yeah, you have to get closer to the mic.

Speaker 6 Also, we can't you can't like take time.

Speaker 60 It has to be dot dot dot dot dot dot. Yeah, no one could take time.

Speaker 4 We didn't.

Speaker 15 She's got to speak up. She's got to speak up.

Speaker 2 You got to speak up.

Speaker 26 No, and louder.

Speaker 21 Put the mic to the mouth.

Speaker 45 I'm sorry, I vowed never to say that again.

Speaker 60 Put the fuck a mic to the mouth. Okay.

Speaker 4 All right.

Speaker 9 Don't get angry.

Speaker 27 All right, here we go. Ready? Okay.

Speaker 55 So.

Speaker 33 Once there was

Speaker 105 a woman named Clorine.

Speaker 33 And she swam very well.

Speaker 22 But one time

Speaker 9 there was this huge pumpkin.

Speaker 72 All right.

Speaker 4 What does it have to do with the swim?

Speaker 81 I know it's stop, stop, stop, stop.

Speaker 50 Right.

Speaker 50 You know, the last one we did.

Speaker 10 No, no, no, it's just fine. It's the first improv game.

Speaker 7 The last one we did, we brought up the pumpkin.

Speaker 62 And I'm just saying, there's just so many, you know, nouns that you could appear,

Speaker 4 right? Anything, anything, right?

Speaker 67 Anything ever on the earth, you know what I mean? Whatever.

Speaker 17 And you chose pumpkin, all right?

Speaker 60 So let's start over, right?

Speaker 41 And not use, we're starting complete.

Speaker 67 So this time, don't use previous words so that you can, you know, okay.

Speaker 4 Why don't we Bobby?

Speaker 60 I have a question. Yeah.
How about the three of us try to explain this to her real quick by using the game? Okay. Oh, yeah.
Why don't we do that? Yeah.

Speaker 77 Okay.

Speaker 61 First, you have to

Speaker 26 directly into the microphone.

Speaker 82 Then you must explain to the audience that we are

Speaker 105 not that smart.

Speaker 55 I really like this podcast.

Speaker 33 So

Speaker 22 one last one? Just

Speaker 7 giggles.

Speaker 21 But I want Rudy to start it.

Speaker 4 So you do have to start it, Rudy.

Speaker 76 Okay.

Speaker 76 One

Speaker 82 time. I.

Speaker 4 eight. Ah.

Speaker 15 Pumpkin.

Speaker 102 It's like, I've known you.

Speaker 18 Hold on.

Speaker 15 Is that music?

Speaker 26 Oh, are you cleaning a knife?

Speaker 76 Yeah.

Speaker 8 What is that for?

Speaker 34 Um, I just bought it.

Speaker 27 Brought it.

Speaker 27 What?

Speaker 9 What?

Speaker 34 I just brought it at home.

Speaker 45 You brought that knife?

Speaker 76 Yeah.

Speaker 4 Here.

Speaker 34 I asked Ati Kalila if I can play with it. And maybe decorate it here.

Speaker 22 And she said, yeah. Wait, wait.

Speaker 7 Whose knife is that? I've never seen that knife before in my life.

Speaker 34 No, I bought it at home and then I brought it here.

Speaker 31 You bought it in the mail?

Speaker 96 Yeah. And you brought it here?

Speaker 34 Yeah, on Amazon.

Speaker 7 Holy shit. You brought that.

Speaker 7 And what is that knife for?

Speaker 34 I thought that I could play with it, but then

Speaker 34 I thought also that I could decorate my table.

Speaker 45 Oh, you want to decorate your table?

Speaker 51 Well, you fucking

Speaker 45 putting on hunting knife? That's your station.

Speaker 15 You're allowed to do whatever you want to your station.

Speaker 7 This is really weird because I did not see.

Speaker 77 Dude, I heard a sing, sing, and I'm thinking it's music.

Speaker 78 No.

Speaker 77 No, I'm serious.

Speaker 15 I heard sing, sing, and I'm thinking, oh, someone's got music on in their headphones. No.
But she's cleaning the knife.

Speaker 22 Yeah.

Speaker 34 It's kind of rusty.

Speaker 15 Did you know this was, you brought this, you saw her bring this in?

Speaker 97 I swear to God on my mother's life that I did not see her bring that into the car No, I did you remember when we um got out

Speaker 15 I grabbed my hand at the back Is there a sleeve that it goes in is there like a leather pouch?

Speaker 7 Yeah, yeah, I think you cleaned it enough stick it back in the pouch. Can I see it?

Speaker 52 Yeah. Yeah

Speaker 63 Holy shit

Speaker 15 This has the dried blood of soldiers on it. Look at that.
That's the dried blood of men.

Speaker 55 Yeah.

Speaker 61 Where did you buy this rude?

Speaker 34 Amazon.

Speaker 15 Yeah, but like from a, from

Speaker 15 a guy?

Speaker 6 Um, yeah.

Speaker 15 Is it handmade?

Speaker 76 I don't, I don't know, but it was like $25.

Speaker 15 Do you want to cut something?

Speaker 52 That's all it was, is $25?

Speaker 22 Yeah, that's fine.

Speaker 15 Let me see. Do you want to cut? Should I cut this as hard as I can?

Speaker 26 No.

Speaker 76 Why?

Speaker 85 Limb, can I hold on to it?

Speaker 15 God, I don't trust you with it so much.

Speaker 7 Give me the fucking knife.

Speaker 15 Say please.

Speaker 21 Please. Fuck no.

Speaker 15 Jag off. You're a giving you a fucking weapon.
I'm giving you a weapon?

Speaker 18 Really?

Speaker 54 I don't have Amazon. I can't get a knife.

Speaker 15 Then get a knife and bring one yourself.

Speaker 4 I will.

Speaker 7 I want to bring other things as well.

Speaker 4 Okay?

Speaker 15 Give me the knife. Put your hand out real fast.
Let me do the knife game. You know the knife game? All right, do it.

Speaker 90 See what happens. Okay.

Speaker 3 Go ahead.

Speaker 15 Put it more in the middle. I can't do it.

Speaker 4 All right, ready?

Speaker 15 Oh, man. This is so fucking...

Speaker 77 Yee!

Speaker 29 Can I do yours now?

Speaker 4 No, because you'll stab me on Burless as a bit.

Speaker 10 No, you're going to do it as a bit.

Speaker 12 Why would I stab you as a a bit? I want to do it.

Speaker 15 Because you would do it and then you'd go, oh my God, I was just kidding.

Speaker 15 Yes, you were.

Speaker 15 What?

Speaker 4 You have no trust with me. Uh-huh.

Speaker 11 Yeah, put your fucking hand down, or I'm leaving.

Speaker 67 That's not fair.

Speaker 15 If you stab my fucking hand,

Speaker 15 I'm dead serious. Yeah.
I'm going to fucking beat the shit out of you.

Speaker 12 You don't think that that's going to be a yeah.

Speaker 22 Be a man, Darren. Slow.

Speaker 76 You

Speaker 14 know, don't go faster.

Speaker 20 Oh, fuck this shit.

Speaker 27 Rudy, Rudy, why do you have to have scary that you have that?

Speaker 34 I thought, I don't know.

Speaker 15 Get close to the mic.

Speaker 35 Rudy, get close to the mic.

Speaker 67 This is important.

Speaker 82 You thought what?

Speaker 34 I thought that I could decorate.

Speaker 61 I know, but...

Speaker 51 Yeah, but get candles and, you know, and photographs.

Speaker 67 That's what people use in America.

Speaker 34 Yeah, but then everyone's like saying that I'm Rudy with a knife.

Speaker 29 You are Rudy with a knife.

Speaker 67 Because you had one dream, but that doesn't make you who you are because you had a dream.

Speaker 34 But it's also nice.

Speaker 61 She does like knives.

Speaker 79 She does like knives.

Speaker 103 Oh, my God.

Speaker 31 She's a spooky girl.

Speaker 79 Oh, that's right.

Speaker 16 Yesterday was Mother's Day.

Speaker 15 So we put together a little video. Some of the fans sent in Mother's Day pictures.
We really appreciate it.

Speaker 15 We want to say thank you for that.

Speaker 26 That was your.

Speaker 23 Yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 15 Yeah, you fucking piece of shit. Don't talk shit about my mom.

Speaker 16 The hovel is what I like to call her.

Speaker 15 Yeah, so this is a lot of the fans sent in pictures of their mom, and we put together a little something for Mother's Day. Let's enjoy it.

Speaker 15 Is it our pictures of our moms or it's our fans' moms?

Speaker 4 Our fans, oh, that's great. Let's see, let's see.
Let's see.

Speaker 85 Don't make fun of them, by the way.

Speaker 104 Yay. This is no way.

Speaker 104 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 27 Beautiful women across the world.

Speaker 61 Listen to the song.

Speaker 28 You know it.

Speaker 26 Go ahead, girl.

Speaker 28 I want to take your mama out for date night.

Speaker 28 Make her feel all right.

Speaker 28 Give her conversation till the daylight. Cause she is so damn tight.

Speaker 28 I pick your mama up in a Ford Flex that I borrowed from my last ex.

Speaker 28 Leave your purse, mama, cause I got checks. Tonight gonna be about mental sex.

Speaker 28 We hit up TGI Fridays. Take the scenic route, forget the highways.
There's no such thing as my way.

Speaker 28 It's about you, mama, you my baby.

Speaker 28 When dinner's done, take your ass straight home. Walk you to the front door so you're not alone.
Kiss your hand and say thanks for the love you've shown. Get back in my car and then I'm gone.

Speaker 28 Show you respect like the queen you must be.

Speaker 28 You never stutter, always speaking directly. You ever need me, mama, you just text me.
Until then, you stay so damn sexy.

Speaker 15 Happy Mother's Day, mama.

Speaker 26 Happy Mother's Day, mama.

Speaker 4 Wow.

Speaker 31 You would have been better if we'd done that video, but you lip-synced it.

Speaker 31 That

Speaker 11 lip-sync one.

Speaker 24 Because at first, when we were playing the video, I thought, Andrew's singing this live.

Speaker 102 What a talent.

Speaker 15 I don't remember the lyrics. I wrote them when I was in the middle.
Let's try it.

Speaker 4 Let's just try it one real quick.

Speaker 15 By the way, by the way, I do want to say this seriously. Some of the fans sent in, a lot of fans sent in pictures of moms.
Beautiful mothers. And some of the fans' mothers passed away.
And

Speaker 15 some of these photos are of moms that are not with us anymore, which I just want to say we appreciate.

Speaker 15 You know, Bob knows about a loss of a parent, so it's cool that people included their moms that were gone.

Speaker 59 It was a big deal.

Speaker 15 I thought that was very nice. I thought that was very nice.
That's why the song is not disrespectful. It's very respectful to my video.

Speaker 53 Obviously, if I'm running,

Speaker 47 I know my frailties.

Speaker 24 I'm not like Trump, where I'm like, I know everything, right?

Speaker 60 Trust me, I know my frailties.

Speaker 78 You'd go back to the business.

Speaker 4 I know.

Speaker 79 Fucked. Yeah.
Right?

Speaker 75 So, I'm going to need somebody

Speaker 45 that, you know what I mean, could really

Speaker 15 imagine how big your teleprompter would need to be. You can't read the TV that's three feet away.

Speaker 7 I know, I would never read the prompter.

Speaker 79 So, what would you do with speech?

Speaker 15 Oh, you'd improvise every speech?

Speaker 60 Every speech.

Speaker 55 All right, here we go.

Speaker 15 A national address right now. You're the president of the United States.

Speaker 51 Oh, God, not this. Yes, we're going to do it.

Speaker 15 You're going to look right into your camera right there. No, no, this one right here.

Speaker 79 That one's straight ahead.

Speaker 15 Which one right here? I want you to make a national address to the country to tell them that we're coming to the.

Speaker 7 I'm not going to be funny about it, though. I want to be real.

Speaker 15 Yeah, of course. That's what they need out of you.

Speaker 21 You're the president.

Speaker 31 Because a lot of times, when I do these improvs,

Speaker 8 I lean toward funny.

Speaker 61 Don't be funny. I'm not going to do it.
I want to be real about it. This is real.
All right.

Speaker 4 Okay, so I want you to.

Speaker 99 Do not laugh. I'm not going to.

Speaker 105 Because it's not funny.

Speaker 61 Tell her.

Speaker 15 She's the one that does it. All right.
I want you to address the nation and tell them that we're what's going on, though.

Speaker 48 Tell me this scenario.

Speaker 61 Can I tell you? Yeah.

Speaker 15 We're under attack right now. We've had a terrorist attack.

Speaker 4 Okay. Okay.

Speaker 33 All right. Where?

Speaker 15 In New York City, in the subway line.

Speaker 42 Okay.

Speaker 15 But can I tell you what was going on down there? What? A bunch of terrorists decided to start raping.

Speaker 26 Okay, okay, okay. That's all you need to know.

Speaker 15 Raping and killing people in the subway.

Speaker 7 You're my secretary to defense.

Speaker 35 In the subway.

Speaker 7 This is what's going to go on backstage, by the way. You're my secretary to defense.
You're telling me.

Speaker 61 Sir, okay, sir.

Speaker 4 A bunch of people. I got it.
Okay.

Speaker 26 So you need to address the country.

Speaker 15 I got it. In three.
You said terrorists.

Speaker 7 Two.

Speaker 3 New York.

Speaker 96 Here, we hear.

Speaker 3 Look at that. Don't let her.

Speaker 23 Okay, well, you're my secretary to defense.

Speaker 96 Here, we hear to the people.

Speaker 85 I, your president, have a national interest for you.

Speaker 27 Okay?

Speaker 46 As we know, our Constitution creates a foundation in which we must react to global epidemics and also national ones.

Speaker 85 And something horrific occurred in New York City.

Speaker 102 I also want to add that

Speaker 45 I, as president, to the people, right, based on all the amendments, especially the second one and all of them.

Speaker 76 They're all important,

Speaker 48 by the way.

Speaker 35 The amendments were created, right, as you know, a tool set in which we can look down the line.

Speaker 55 We have 50 plus amendments.

Speaker 2 There are a lot.

Speaker 65 There are a lot.

Speaker 4 All right. Tell them what happened.

Speaker 4 We'll get to that because

Speaker 81 I know that I have to fill 30 minutes.

Speaker 27 But they want to know what happened.

Speaker 22 Tell them what happened, sir.

Speaker 9 Sir.

Speaker 4 I'm sorry. Some people are dying.

Speaker 55 This is no laughing matter.

Speaker 55 I apologize.

Speaker 22 This is no laughing matter, right?

Speaker 84 Yesterday.

Speaker 55 Last night.

Speaker 32 Last night.

Speaker 55 Last night. At two in the morning.

Speaker 55 So technically, today.

Speaker 4 So

Speaker 81 technically today, right?

Speaker 85 Although some would assume that it happened yesterday because it happened in the wee hours.

Speaker 55 Yesterday at 2 in the morning in the subways of our great city of New York, which is a part of the United States of America.

Speaker 76 Yeah.

Speaker 76 I'm sorry. I don't know why.

Speaker 15 Sorry. What happened, sir?

Speaker 60 A gang of terrorists, ISIS, aka Al-Qaeda.

Speaker 54 aka, you know, from Turkey.

Speaker 6 Yeah, Hassan.

Speaker 82 Okay. Hassan.
And his wife.

Speaker 85 Okay. Hassan and his wife, right? They dispatched their cronies, aka the ISIS, right?

Speaker 45 To come into our great city of New York, which happens to be in the United States of America, right?

Speaker 55 To terrorize us, right?

Speaker 45 With their ideology that's based on scriptures that don't go against the Bible.

Speaker 4 They do go against the Bible.

Speaker 45 They have a different ideology.

Speaker 46 Although be it, we have freedom of religion in this country. Yes.

Speaker 7 So you may worship any God

Speaker 55 as you want.

Speaker 105 So I am not judging one's religion or sect or domination.

Speaker 15 Dominatrix.

Speaker 105 Dominatrix, right?

Speaker 45 But yesterday at 2.32 p.m.

Speaker 105 a.m.

Speaker 45 of today, right, in the subways of our great city, you know,

Speaker 90 they attacked a bunch of

Speaker 100 elderly people in the subways.

Speaker 85 Now, this elderly group of people were going to a volleyball game.

Speaker 103 They were going to a volleyball tournament, right, in Brooklyn, right?

Speaker 22 They were going from Queens to Brooklyn, right?

Speaker 55 They were, this elderly volleyball team, right?

Speaker 85 They're called the Hasmatics.

Speaker 48 And they were fighting, you know, I mean,

Speaker 54 the Crutchers.

Speaker 45 Crutchies.

Speaker 46 The Crutchies in the final senior citizen volleyball tournament

Speaker 102 championships in Brooklyn.

Speaker 85 And they were waiting for the subway, right?

Speaker 46 And as you know, at 2:30 to 2 in the morning, the subways, they don't,

Speaker 85 they're not as active as often, right?

Speaker 96 And they come in waves, the subways.

Speaker 45 So in the window between, you know what I mean, stop and go, between the two junctions, right? To the people, right?

Speaker 96 Hiri.

Speaker 33 Right? No, I'm not done. Oh, shit.
I'm not done. Okay.

Speaker 71 A gang of al-Qaeda Assan

Speaker 79 terrorists, right?

Speaker 45 They came in with their masks.

Speaker 46 We had no idea what was going.

Speaker 56 We also have the best police force in the subways of New York, right?

Speaker 85 And they patrol them

Speaker 56 at every hour, in every station, in every point.

Speaker 85 And we, our salutes to them.

Speaker 56 So we salute them. All the seniors were raped.

Speaker 4 They were raped.

Speaker 85 They were bent over the benches down there in the subways in a line, right?

Speaker 8 And these Al-Qaeda ISIS people, right?

Speaker 52 They bent each one of them over.

Speaker 56 They looped their dicks because, as you know, American citizens and senior citizens, they have dry

Speaker 46 orifices between them.

Speaker 4 They're getting old, right?

Speaker 4 They were raped,

Speaker 85 then murdered, then left to rot.

Speaker 18 This morning at eight in the morning is when they were found.

Speaker 85 Oh, God.

Speaker 56 Yeah, so here, here, hearie.

Speaker 2 God bless America.

Speaker 31 We will get these perpetrators.

Speaker 103 And

Speaker 63 so long.

Speaker 20 Honestly?

Speaker 27 Yeah, pretty good.

Speaker 15 I mean, as your Secretary of Defense, pretty good. I'm impressed.
Thank you.