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You're cutting that part out. No, fuck you.
You're cutting that part out. Fuck you.
I'm Bobby Lee. No, Lemonhead.
This is you. Hey.
I'm Andrew Santino. Your house looks like a fucking anthropology store.
It's light and nice. It's fucking bullshit.
And I have to sit there and go. You live in a booger cave.
Fucking piece of shit. Don't talk shit about my mom.
The hovel is what I like to call her. So you're saying because we're real friends, you don't care about me.
White piece of shit. You look down on other people's culture.
This is my holiday. You look down on other people's culture, dude.
You're so annoying. You know what rat leather is? Rat leather? Yes.
Is it what your mom uses to make your clothes when you were a kid? No, rat leather is similar to the stankiness of your mom's vagina. Okay.
I mean, you started with my mom. It's a professional workspace, dude.
We can get sued. You get fucking angry for no reason a question.
Don't point it at me. Back up.
Don't fuck around. Don't point it at me.
Put it on to give me the safety. No, no, no.
Give it to me. Fuck.
Yeah, and keep it in. Don't even edit it out.
That's what you are. That's what you are.
A fuck. Cut that.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude You two are disgusting You two are something We're bad friends Hey Hey Hey Welcome to another episode of Bad Friends everybody Yesterday was Yesterday was Father's Day.
And oh boy, I miss my dad. And the thing is, I wanted to write a Father's Day song.
And I told you I was going to do that too. Yeah, you promised me and I thought you weren't going to do it.
I'm being serious. And I forgot about it.
And then we were sitting here outside waiting for you because you were late. I wasn't late.
I was getting you sugar-free Red Bull. Rudy, was I getting sugar-free Red Bull? Yeah.
See? Okay, but were we here before I called him? Dude, you called me. It doesn't matter.
No, no. You called me and said- All right, can we do the Father's Day? What's you angry about? You always do this to me.
You trample on me. Trample, trample.
You're trampled. You trample on me.
Trample, trample. You trample, trample.
That's you.

Trample, trample.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Go ahead, Trampley.

So, you know, while we were waiting for you, because we were early.

Because I got sugar real, you go.

Yeah, and I wrote a song real quick.

Because I write a lot of music on my garage band, so I just came up with it.

I have an older, like, weird song.

You know what I mean?

So I wrote a song for my dad.

Okay, let's hear it. All right.

Daddy, I love you. Daddy, why you die? Happy Father's Day, Daddy.
Daddy, I'm good flying. Daddy, I miss you.
Why are you dead? Why did you die? Daddy, I need you. I need you so badly.
Laying in your bed. Laying in your bed.
I'm sorry I took photos of you while you were dead and sent it to the heart since what was in my head you were dead and I whipped out my phone I can't fucking believe I did that shit I'm all alone miss you daddy I love you. I love you.
Okay, there we go. That's a song.
Very good. And I have another thing that I do that I don't really talk about.
But if I'm on an elevator and anyone over the age of 60 walks onto the elevator, I'll get – You hold your breath. No, I'll get off the elevator.
Period. Anytime.
Every time. Why? Because especially if I'm alone in the elevator, because if this person dies, I'll probably just leave.
Yeah. You know what I mean? And because I don't know how to call and I don't know who to call.
I don't know what papers to sign. I don't know who to interview.
I got shit to do. You don't have to do almost any of that.
If you died in an elevator and you're just by yourself, you can't just

leave? You would just go, somebody

died in there and then they show up and then

the paramedics help them. Okay, so let's

get this. Let's play this out.
Okay. All right.

I'm in an elevator.

Yeah. Old man walks in.

Old man walks in

and he goes, hello, young

man. I was in the Korean

War. Because old people always

say something like that. Or they always say

I think it's a good thing. the old man walks in and he goes hello young man I was in the Korean War because old people always say something like that or they'll say you know I love that Chinese restaurant down the street and I'll be like okay cool oh my my heart dead right elevator open I call.
Beep, beep, beep, beep. Hi, um...
Is this... Is this the hospital? I don't know who to call.
Is this hospital? Well, you gotta call 911. Oh, fuck.
911. 911.
Yes. An old man died.
What's the address? I don't know. I'll be right back.
And I got to run outside. I got to look at the address.
It's 55443. What street? Sir, what street are we on? Tamborlin.
Tamborlin. What state? California.
It's California. Oh, fuck California.
Tamborlin 995543. California,lin Okay well then Ambrison will be there as soon as possible Can I leave? No you have to go back in with the man Go in right now Oh fuck I said I run back in Oh fuck I gotta do something I gotta put my mouth in his mouth I blow Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I gotta do something. I gotta put my mouth in his mouth.
I blow. It goes up.
Then I fucking chest. His bowels just lost.
Chest, chest, chest. Oh, fuck.
Yeah, yeah. Then I leave the elevator.
I'm leaving the elevator to go back outside. I'll probably have a cigarette.
Now, by this time, though... Sir, were you the man that called the police? I am the one.
Okay, what happened to the man? Where is he? He's in the elevator. All right, come with us right now.
Come with us right now. Come with us right now.
Get with me right now. Come on, let's go inside.
Oh, shit. Is that him right there? Of course.

No, there's another dead guy around the block.

Sir, I don't need your attitude.

I'm just trying to find out how this man died and when he died.

Did you make him shit or poop?

Yes, I don't want to die because I didn't.

I don't know what to do.

So I just punched his chest.

So you caused this man to throw up and have diarrhea inside of this elevator?

Well, because I put my mouth on his mouth and I blew it.

Turn around, sir.

You're under arrest.

Turn around.

You're under arrest.

What the fuck?

I have an audition.

You're under arrest.

That's it. That's what happens.
That's why I don't want to be in the elevator. That makes perfect sense.
If there was an animal you had to have sex with, though. Forced? Yeah.
Probably sheep. I'm from Ireland.
I think they do that shit all the time. Yeah, yeah.
Sheep. I think because it's soft.
Yeah. And they're...
Don't laugh at me. Yeah.
I think because because they're soft yeah and and even if they get upset they're just like so it's not that bad yeah for me it would be panda oh because they're so cute well i didn't even think that's through and you could i could i here the thing. If I was having sex with an animal, I wouldn't want them to think, hey, hey there.

Yeah.

Right?

Somebody fucking me.

Right?

I wouldn't want them to think that.

You just want it to be a thing. No, I don't want them to go, hey there.

Well, then if you fucked a big animal, then they wouldn't.

But what I would do with a panda is you give them grade A bamboo.

Oh, like high end. They love to chew that shit.
Waigoo bamboo. Right be like here's bamboo they'd be like hey there and then i would you know and they'd be just so focused on but don't they get so fucked up from the eucalyptus is that eucalyptus is is that pandas no man who eats eucalyptus sloths pass out.
Yeah. Yeah, they get really fucking high.
Because sloths, they go, well, sloths live in trees. How can you get them? Because I thought about this, right? Honestly, I don't know why I thought about this, but in Papua New Guinea, there's a lot of sloths, right? I didn't know that.
There is, right? Yeah. So what they would do, they would go to Papua New Guinea, right? And sloths, you don't know, I Googled this.
I don't know why. I don't know why I researched this, but sloths, they come to the ground while they take a shit or they go to the bathroom.
I've seen this. I've seen this in Costa Rica.
They come to the ground. So imagine a bunch of sloths in the tree, right? Where you going, Johnny? And sloths like, I gotta take a shit.
I gotta take a shit. I'll be right back.
And as soon as he lands. Get him! 50 dudes come out.
They form a train. Yeah.
Right? And then he's trying to run away. Right? And he's like, and his buddies are going, run Frankie.
And Frankie's like, I'm trying to run. Right? And he gets on the tree.
Right. He's already been raped 40, 50 times.
Right. And people are like jumping up and tagging him.
Right. And just ripping him.
Well, as he goes up, the taller guys get to go. Yeah.
The taller guys. Right.
I mean, that would be a nightmare. They'd be extinct.
I play this for you because this is from my family to yours. This is Happy Birthday in Korean.
Let's all sing along for Bobby. Let's do it.
Let's do it. Let's do it.
Let's do it. Let's do it.
Let's do it. Let's do it.
Let's do it. Let's do it.
Let's do it. Let's do it.
Let's do it. Let's do it.
Let's do it. Let's do it.
Let's do it. Let's do it.
Let's do it. Oh, dude.
That was so nice. They don't do shit like that for you in North Korea.
No, they don't. Yeah, okay.
Can I say this? Yeah, say it. Yes.
All right. Have you ever met anyone from North Korea? Yes.
Yes. No, you haven't.
Yes. It's like an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo. You've read them all in the books and the fairy tales.
You can play with them in video games maybe, but you've never met one. Your energy needs to change.
Get it going. Go get your Coke.
Go get your Diet Coke. Your energy needs to change.
Your energy needs to change. What? I came in here.
You were all fucking... No hellos.
Nothing. I said hello.
No, you were like in your own world or whatever. I'm fucking working on the show that you're on with me.
I'm still working on the computer. Get your fucking thing.
And we're getting stuff done. Get your thing.
It's gonna be a good one. I'm taking your fucking, I'm taking your fucking butt.
Don't. Look at this fucking thing, man.
No, don't. Seriously.
Don't, don't, don't. Back up then.
Back up then. That's dangerous.
I'm serious. Pack up then.
Back up then. Put it on the safety.
What? Don't, don't, don't, don't. Back up.
Back up. Don't point it.
Back up then. Don't point it.
I want this. Put it down.
I'm going to shoot you with this. Put it down.
Put the safety on. Back up.
Put the safety on. Back up.
Put the safety on. Back up, dude.
I swear to God. That's not even on safety.
You can fucking hurt someone real bad. Don't shoot him.
Back up then. I will not shoot it if you come.
I have a boundary. Do not cross the boundary.
Put it on the desk. I will shoot you with it if you don't fucking sit down.
Put it on the desk. Put it away from you.
Put it away from you. No, no, no.
No. Put the safety on.
No, I'm not putting the safety on. Yes! Dude.
I'm leaving. I'm not going to record today.
I will not shoot you, I promise you. If you get anyone near me.
I'm putting the safety on the gun. Sit down.
I'm putting the safety on. No, no, no.
I don't know how to unsafety it, friend. No, you don't.
if you if you get anyone near me i'm putting the safety on the gun sit down i'm putting the safety no no i don't know how to unsafety it friend no you don't i will shoot i will shoot you sit down i promise you i won't i won't shoot you if you shoot me yeah i'll never do i will we'll never talk again that will fuck you know how dangerous that is all right sit down then don't give me no i will not oh my god sit down i said i will shoot you just sit down point that at me and don't give me. No, I will not.
Oh my God. Sit down.
I will shoot you.

Let me put the safety.

Just sit down.

Don't point that at me.

Don't do that.

All right.

Well, then just sit down.

I won't.

No.

Don't.

Don't.

Don't talk about safeties.

Don't talk about safeties.

Don't talk about safeties.

Oh my God.

Don't talk about safeties.

Don't point that at me ever again.

I won't.

You pointed at me.

No, I didn't.

Huh?

No, I didn't.

310 to Yuma style.

No, you walked in and I showed you the gun.

All right.

I showed you the gun.

You didn't shoot my fucking hat.

Give me the gun.

Thank you. I need to put the safety on.
No, just sit down. Let's start the podcast.
I will not fucking do it. Give it to me.
Put it down. It's fine.
Give me it. Okay.
I will shoot your head if your attitude doesn't change. Look, I'm being 100% serious with you.
I'm being 100% serious as well. If you shoot me with that gun.
Yeah. If you fucking shoot me.
Yeah. I'm dead serious.
I'm dead serious. My hands, these hands, will fucking pummel your stupid face until it's city silly putty i will knock all your teeth out i'll stomp your fucking neck in i'll beat the living shit out of you interesting if you shoot me in the face with that you're fucked okay look at me in the eyes you're fucked if you if i shoot you in the head with this yeah and you beat the shit out of me yeah you're fucked.
Why? You'll see. Why?

Because you think that this is the only weapon

that I have right now?

That's my gun.

I know.

I have other weapons as well.

Give me my gun.

No.

Let me just have it.

No, Bobby.

You'll get it at the end of the podcast.

I want it.

All right, let me ask you another question, may I?

If I shoot you in the head.

If you shoot me in the head.

Let me just follow this through, please. Okay.
And you beat the living shit out of me. Listen, would you end this podcast forever? You swear to God, if you shot me in the fucking head with an airsoft gun, those are rock hard BBs.
Yeah. They're not even the plastic ones.
Right. I would beat the living shit out of you, and then I'd make you do a podcast with me,

and that would be our final podcast.

I'd make you do one all fucked up.

Yeah, yeah.

And bleeding and dripping and no teeth.

Yeah.

And me with a bullet.

Can I shoot George?

Yeah.

Okay.

Don't point it at people.

I'm not going to throw it.

Look, my hand's not even on the trigger.

Dude, it's supposed to be on the side.

What do you mean?

Your trigger finger should be on the side of the gun. Like this? Don't point it at me! Like this.
Like this. Yes.
Okay. Put the safety on.
I'll put the safety on. You don't know how.
You have to pull back on those things and it's not on. S.
It's on the S. No, dude.
It's not on. Look, I'm going to show you.
Yes. Now put it away.
Put it down. Okay.
That's it. Now the safety is off.
You just turned it off again. It's S with the red.
That's fine. It's going to fire right now.
Okay. It's not going to fire.
Okay, good. Point it at the plant.
Shoot the plant. Shoot the plant.
Yeah. Okay, good.
You know what my fucking... Can I shoot the screen? No.
The TV see what happens close your eyes turn around are you gonna do it? but that's my TV how much is it? I don't know it doesn't matter it's a fucking TV like what then we gotta go get a new one alright I kinda want you to do it now I don't want to but if you do it I'm cool with it we just have to go get a new one. Alright.
I kinda want you to do it now.

I don't want to.

But if you do it, I'm cool with it.

We just have to go get one then.

I'll go buy one now.

I know. I'll go to the best one and get a better one.

Here's my only fear.

What?

I don't care about the TV.

It's a piece of shit TV.

But the cameras.

What if it hits one of the cameras?

The odds.

The odds.

If I look at...

It bounces. The ball's gonna bounce everywhere.
The odds of it. Shoot your hat again.
Yeah, it's going to ricochet right at him. I'm going to aim it here.
If I aim it like this, it'll hit George in the face. I'm not going to do it.
God, dude, if you do it. Thank you.
I'm going to do it. I'm going to do it.
Close your eyes, eyes bobby don't really i'm gonna do it you don't have the balls i don't know i don't have the balls to shoot my own tv yeah you're a pussy oh my god dude i'm so scared you're a pussy you're weak right that's what it is if you shoot I honestly I don't need to do this podcast me neither if they shoot me

we're dead. This is it.
This is it. The last one we do.
You're right. Okay.
Say goodnight. Then take out your penis and let me shoot your penis.
No. I would never shoot you.
Hold out your hat though. Can I shoot your hat on you? No, no, no.
Shoot the screen or nothing. I don't want to shoot the fucking TV then we're gonna get a new TV you're weak that's it be a man Bobby in life this is for showbiz this is for entertainment purposes it's gonna ricochet and bounce off and hurt I'm gonna turn around watch your eyes I'm gonna close my computer yeah you can close my computer alright ready? yeah 3 2 no signal 1 oh right in the middle holy shit you did break it and it says no signal by the way a ricochet didn't hit me right in the shoulder no really? yeah I swear to swear to God, it didn't hurt.
It did hurt. It did break it.
Oh, I'm so sorry. That's alright.
Why did you do it? You fucking said to! I was kidding! Why would you do that? It was kind of fun. It was fun, huh? Hey, everybody.
Okay. Today, I owe Jimmy Kimmel.
Jimmy Kimmel. I don't want to do this.
Bob, I don't want to do this. I don't want to.
What? You made me fucking do it? Jimmymel, he's not going to host the show for a while, so I'm going to try to get the job there to do the hostings. You have to fucking do it.
I can't, I don't know what to say. This is your fucking idea.
Give me any joke to say. I do comedy too.
Shut the fuck up. Okay, here we go.

Hey, Alive Around the World,

the world is absolutely insane right now.

What's going on around the world?

Hey, everybody talking bang here.

Oh, boy, what's going on in the world right now?

It's crazy. It's 150 million,

1,000 people dying from corona.

And boy, Melania Trump, I do her I fuck her oh okay so I saw it oh boy what going around this town right now holy moly shit 150,000 million People die from COVID-19. Donald Trump, wife Melania, I stick it.

I stick it.

Stay away from having to do the president's blood. Do anything else but that.
Oh, shit. Okay.
There was a guy who was raising sea turtles. And check this out.
And he's selling them. He's selling them at two shells of pop.
This guy's getting a killer deal on that. Don't talk about the Maloney.
Yeah, don't talk about the president's wife. The BLM, Black Alive, they matter.
And, you know, you go to the protest, right? You still sign. Do not do that to that to the black right and you know one time i went to a protest and i saw a woman protesting with her where she looked like uh you know melanie no but she i she'd not do it was not her because this was in la okay Okay.
So this is not her, but she looked like.

Okay.

She looked like Maloney.

So she's protesting black lives, black lives. I was getting to her too, like a black lives.

Getting to that, right?

And then I hit like this, her hit, right?

And I look at her, I go, you know, one day, you and I could go bang, bang.

No.

Stop saying you're going to have sex with the president.

Why?

She's not there.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Skip your current events.

I'll see you know, one day, you and I could go bang, bang. No.
Stop saying you're going to have sex with the president.

Why?

She's not there.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Stick to current events.

Oh, current events.

Okay.

My God.

What's going on with the Y2K?

The Y2K, man. The Y2K, man.

Two thousand.

Everything is going to be wiped out.

There is a...

Malania. Malania.
What? a... What? She's hot.
We're never going to get this gig if you do that. Thank you.
I couldn't have completed this project without a little extra coffee. And since I brush with colgate's pro series toothpaste with

an expert level whitening for a vibrant glow i could show up to set each day camera ready and smiling wide well kelly looks like a little colgate gave you a lot of confidence colgate optic white find it at all major retailers If it's Balut, I'm walking out.

Is it Balut?

Yeah. Let's try.
You have to try. We have to try.
No way. You have to try.
We have to try. Let's try.
I'm gagging right now. I never had it.
I won't do it. Can we open it? No.
You, no. I'll open it.
No. Will you look? Honestly? Yeah, don't be a, you know what, dude? You can't just die.
You know what? You're a fucking...

You're a white piece of shit.

You're fucking...

You look down on other...

This is my holiday.

You look down on other...

This is my holiday.

You look down on other people's culture, dude, and just...

And stop being like that, dude.

No, this...

That's what this whole thing is about.

Yeah.

So give me the balloon.

I'm not...

Bring it here.

Yeah, yeah.

Don't eat.

Don't do it.

Don't be a fucking dick, dude.

I'm gonna throw up.

You're gonna eat it.

All right, you're gonna watch me throw up.

That's fine.

We can...

We'll watch you throw up then.

No, I'm not gonna eat it, but...

That's so fucking rude.

It's my people, dude.

Thank you. Don't do it Don't be a fucking gig dude I'm gonna throw up You're gonna eat it Alright you're gonna watch me throw up That's fine We'll watch you throw up then No I'm not gonna eat it That's so fucking rude It's my people dude Okay bring the balut I'm not gonna eat it Yeah Nope Oh my god Alright so Now honestly Where do you get the balut? Put it there I'm not gonna touch it You don't get this at Vons Where do you get this at? Where did you get it? Vons.
I ordered it. The Vons in the Philippines.
Oh, so you just break this open? Get him over a napkin. Oh, yeah.
Give me a napkin because I've never had this before. Don't be a dick, dude.
No, no, no. I'm not being a dick.
Open your heart. I'm going to take my jacket off because I'm sweating for some reason.
Oh, God. I'm scared.
I've never been up before. All right.
so for people that remember, Balut is a Filipino.

We talked about it last. I talked about it, yeah, yeah.

Give me the napkin, all right?

So you just crack open the top?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right, so let me put this back on.

Let me crack open the top.

Oh, don't.

Oh, my God.

It's so hard, it won't crack.

It won't crack. You can do it Do it on the Crush it like this? Slowly Oh my god Oh fuck This fucking cracked Okay that's fine Okay Do it in the middle Yeah you have to drink the juice Okay first I'll just tell you what it is This is like The movie Aliens Remember the movie Aliens? First of all, smell it Smell it Bro Give me the garbage can, I'm gonna throw up Honestly Honestly I'm gonna throw up And I had good ramen I had ramen that I Oh, my God.
Honestly. Honestly.
I'm going to throw up.

Honestly.

And I had good ramen.

I had ramen that I liked for dinner.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

All right.

All right.

So.

You can walk me to do this.

There's juice all over the place.

There's blue juice.

Just try the juice.

I'm going to throw up.

All right.

I'm going to throw up.

Oh, my God.

I got to get out of here.

I have to get out of here.

I'm going to throw up.

Honestly, that's so fucking gross.

All right, so.

Fuck.

All right, so.

I'm going to throw up. What is this part?

I can't see. Oh, God.
What is that part? That's the... I think the foot.
That's the foot. Oh, the foot.
Oh, my God. That's the foot.
Let's try this yellow. What is the yellow, though? I have to know the body part.
I don't want to look at it.

It's fucking asshole.

It's the yolk part?

Yeah.

All right, how about this, Andrew?

This is my nightmare.

I'll eat a little bit of this.

You eat a little.

No.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I almost threw up now.

I don't care.

I'm going to try.

I'm going to throw up.

Oh, God.

It's good.

Oh, God. It's so fucking gross.
Oh, God. Get that the fuck out of here.
Get it out. Now try it.
No. Get it out.
Let's open the whole thing now. I don't think there's any duck there.
I'm going throw up. Oh, look at this part.
Oh, there it is. Oh my God.
I'm gonna throw up. Oh my God.
Oh my God. Oh, there's no face.
Where's the face at? Oh my God. Where did you get this? It's at Vons.
This is at Vons? Oh, is that the face? Oh, God. Where did you get this? This is at Vons?

Oh, is that the face?

Oh my God.

Yeah.

You should be ashamed.

This is what I get for joking about Thanksgiving earlier. Because I had a fucking, just fucking,

duck juice on my fucking...

Drench this table, George. So not good.
In's so not good. Oh my god, in bleach.
Yeah, where's the sud? Do you have sauce? Yeah, you forgot? Alright. My god, is this the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life.
I know. I mean, I'm not even kidding.
No, get it away! Eat it. Get it away! Dude.

George, get this the fuck away!

Oh my god.

Please.

Are you gonna eat this?

Can you eat that?

No, you're not gonna eat that.

No, she'll eat that one.

Don't eat that. There's the that one.
Don't eat that.

There's the new one.

Don't eat it.

Here.

Here's the trash can.

Oh, my God.

I'll be right back.

If you had a ranch.

Are you being real?

No, I need to wash my hands.

Yeah, yeah. Me too.

Because I fucking coughed into my hands.

Me too.

Oh, my fucking God.

Rudy, how... How much is a blued egg? One dollar, no, 25 cents.
25 cents? That's what a little bird's life is worth, 25 cents. Yeah.
Rocks are more expensive. By far.
Yeah. You know what's so funny? For people that didn't see the other episode We talked about Balut It's a baby duck that they eat in the Philippines And they just What do you got? Salt? Oh my god Are you really gonna eat it? Yeah How do you know if it's not rotten? I mean it smells rotten Is it rotten? I'll try I think so.
Oh, you try first and then your stomach hurts and then you stop?

What the fuck?

The Philippines.

What kind of system is that?

I just, I can't.

And do you eat it in one whole bite?

Everything?

No.

Do you eat that?

Oh, it's good.

It's good? Yeah. Oh, God.
Look, I respect the culture. No, you don't.
No, I do. No, you don't.
And you know what I want to say? What? Go ahead. I'm sorry to the Native Americans for what they did.
What? Yes. Why? I'm getting reflective.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're so sorry.
Because what Western Europeans did to the Native Americans is disgusting and it's not funny and it's gross and this is giving me perspective. Well, I don't know if there's a problem but can I ask a question? Yeah.
So she likes this actor. What's the actor that she likes? Who? Some the actor that she likes cool it's like a hispanic some hispanic actor that she likes michael peña no if it's him i'd kill myself uh uh fluffy no anyway glasius yeah so anyway i go she was we're hooking up and i go blow me i go blow me like that actor the guy that you liked right and she did things that she's never done before to my day because she pretended you were who some? Some other actor.
She lifted the shaft and she started licking my balls. And then she spit on it and she was sucking on the head.
And I go, stop! I go, stop doing it like that! And I got mad. I go, you do it better for the other guy? Yeah, of course.
But that's okay. But that should be okay in a healthy sexual relationship.
Fantasy, fantasy, fantasy. You don't ever think she's somebody else.
I don't do it. I want those moves too.
You just got them. You got it.
Exactly. Yeah, but as for me.
No, well, you're not you anymore. Yeah.
You're not you anymore. You've been together too long.
Because if I'm in our grocery and I do it like Natalie Portman I wouldn't go and do it, you know what I mean? And spit and do the whole fucking thing. You know what I mean? You'd sit and have a conversation with her.
She's Natalie Portman. I wouldn't go and do the whole fucking thing.

You'd sit and have a conversation with her.

She's Natalie Portman.

She's an award-winning actress.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Do you ever visualize she's somebody else?

In my mind, maybe?

Yes.

Do you do it?

You have to.

Yeah, you don't have a choice.

You have to.

What do you mean?

Once you've had sex with your significant other enough,

your mind has to make up that there's something else. Absolutely, man.
We do role-playing. Oh, you do? What role-play? I'll say it, and then I'll see if it's okay to say it.
Yeah. Yeah, we'll see if it's okay.
Hold on. We do camp stuff.
Like you're camping? No, like we're at a summer camp. Like she's a counselor and you're a student?

No shit.

Dope.

What is her name?

Does she have a counselor name?

No, I just call her Counselor Kalilah.

You're like, Counselor Kalilah.

Yeah, yeah.

And she's like, yes, little boy.

How old are you in this fantasy?

Are you Jewish?

Do you put on a yarmulke?

Is it Jewish summer camp?

But I have asthma like Jewish people do.

I have psoriasis like a Jew.

Oh, yeah, yeah. No dairy.
Go ahead Go ahead So I um Yeah I'm a kid You're a little boy And what happened Did you be bad Were you bad by the lake Look at her Is it uncomfortable No it's fine Okay okay Do you want her She can get out of the room While you tell this nasty story It's not nasty Well It's beautiful Okay Yeah So I'll go like Did you get in trouble by the lake? What did you do? Huh? What did you do, bad boy?

She's like, come here, Tammy.

She'll give me a name.

Tammy?

Yeah, yeah.

I go, what did I do wrong?

I'll go with boys.

Yeah.

We're like, you know.

Yeah.

And she's like, you know, I told you to put away the equipment and you didn't put away

the equipment.

Right.

You left the balls out.

I know.

I was playing with Johnny and the boys.

Or whatever.

And then she'll go like, yeah, but when I say something, so take your pants off. You need a spanking.
Okay. I'll go, okay.
Slowly, right? Meanwhile, like when she sees the underwear, it's just already, right? The heart is a rock. I like it, right? Do you have on little boys underwear for the course? course I only have on tighty weddies so one pair there's a brown streak and it's only wet in the tip there's a tip there a little wet and then she'll go lay on your back I'm gonna give you spanking right and I'll go I'll lay on my back but how can you spank me if I'm on my back? Right.
Right. She goes, you're clever, Timmy.
Right? And she goes, you know your magic stick? I go, you mean my pee-pee? Your magic stick. And I go, my pee-pee.
Right? Yeah, take out your pee-pee. What are you going to do you gonna do I scared I would say that you scared I scared right yeah and then she okay you know what I mean let me kiss it like a lollipop I'm already coming sure I mean the juices are just like you know what I mean it's like bubbling yeah you know what I mean like little fucking cum bubbles that's hot right right that is hot that's fucking hot you know what I mean? It's like bubbling.
You know what I mean? Like little fucking cum bubbles. That's hot.
Right, right. That is hot.
That's fucking hot. But then it's like, you know what I mean? But then it turns into, well, I'm Timmy and she's on top of me, right? She'll go, she'll switch it up, which is I don't like.
She's like, I'm Mark now. No, something like that.
She'll go like, you know, do you like it like it Mark or Frank so I have to play a different character oh she wants you to switch me so like she's now fucked everyone at the camp you know what I mean like she's like a serial she's like run a train on me but now it turns into like very aggressive where like I've already now I'm Mark and I've already heard the rumors. Right? Right.
So you know what she's been up to. So I knew all the things and I don't want to because maybe I'm gay or whatever.
Right? So it turns into me trying to get. Not maybe.
Yeah. What? Not maybe.
Yeah. No, we are.
He may have something good. He may have nothing.
You never know with him. He's a fancy bee.

Fancy bee!

Fancy bee!

Our special guest is Andreas Fancy Bee Rosende. We're excited.

He's going to be giving us his

stand-up comedy stylings, and if he's good enough,

he's going to open for me and Bobo when we go back on the road.

You ready?

You ready? Okay. Let's hear it, sweetheart.
Okay. Wait a second.
I'm ready. Yeah? Wait a second.
He has to wear his dice jacket. Is that a rack of DVDs back there, or is that books? Oh, shit.
Oh! What's up, motherfuckers? You guys keep coming back for more huh I guess you really need some talent on this show Who produces this shit by the way Cause I want to see George You know I'm missing him How bad do you have to suck at your job That you get replaced by a high school girl

and with a show guest better.

I guess nobody has a master's degree, right?

In what?

Laughing too hard?

Wow.

It was so loud in the air

that the neighbors called animal control

because they thought you guys have a hyena in the room.

George reminds me

to that kid in Home Alone if If he grew up to have dancing, he wants to be a comedian. Oh, yeah.
He really wants to just stand up. Your comedic inspiration is done in Kruger.
Because you suck, but you don't know how much you suck. My Witt inspiration, Freddy Krueger.

Because I kill every time.

Even in your dreams.

Anyway.

So let's talk to someone else.

Who else is here?

Oh yeah.

Let's go to our favorite mute of bad friends.

Rose.

Hey Rose.

What a journey you had.

You let Mayo head out for this shit?

I don't...

Look, Rose or Jules or Rudy,

you had more nicknames

than what you have said in this show.

He left that himself.

It looks like you auditioned

for The Quiet Place every time.

And still,

you got more lines in than Bobby

in the wrong business.

Oh, he takes out the mic, he's slamming it he loves it

wow

you're saying something Jules

you have to speak into the mic

you know who that mic girl

like Andrew about speaking on the set

of the disaster artist

you're angry

I can tell

because you smell like George's bread

which smells like balls

Thank you. Yeah, but I know why you're angry at that.
Because it smells like George's bread, which smells like balls. Because he sucks so much of it.
Jules, I wanted to understand your struggles. So, I saw 90 Days Fiance.
And yeah. Rose's dad lives on a pig farm.
So, how did you manage to find the only place in America that is worth living with a pig? Living with Bobby Lee? Since Rose's American dream, cleaning millionaires' houses. That sounds more like the Mexican dream to me.
Yeah. I think that's nice.
I also came here looking for the American dream.

But mine doesn't include

a knife in each hand.

You have some cycle dreams, girl.

Living with Bobby Lee is like

living with a puppy. Except

you can probably train a puppy.

You don't know more playing video games

than in real life.

You came here as a teenager and now you have to raise one. Wow.
Anyway, that's all I got for you guys. Yeah.
Hey, let's heckle you. Now we get to heckle you.
Sure thing. Yeah.
Yeah, look at it. What's up, Pablo Espresso Bar? I like that jean jacket.
Whose is that? Tell me that's your girlfriend's. This? Yeah.
No. This is George's.
That's even better. That's even better.
All right, see you. Andres.
Great job, buddy. We love you very much.
Thank you. Bye, buddy.
Real fun, bud. You're the guy.
Bye. What a champ.
What a guy. I brought a Ouija board.
No, no, no. I can't do it.
Please. No, I'm not doing a Ouija board.
Let's contact your dad. Please.
Please. No, no.
Wait, stop. Stop.
Stop. I'll be real, dude.
Put your hand. It's just one hand.
Hold on. It's one hand.
Do it. No.
Let's do it. You want to get haunted at night? It is real.
I know. And we're going to respect it.
We're not. We have every idea.
So am I. I know it's real..
You just have to say goodbye and it closes the door.

You start on Ouija.

Here's the rules. Put your headphones

on. Put your mic back.

Here's the rules.

You start on Ouija.

Oh, that's

not good. Blown out a candle

to begin is a bad omen.

Oh boy, is that not good.

Now that's actually scary to me.

It's sizzling in my ear.

I know, but that's what it's supposed to do.

It's a crickle crackle candle.

Put on your headphones and get your microphone near your mouth.

Okay?

The proper way to do this

is for you to put a hand and I to put a hand.

Okay?

All right, here we go.

Bob, hold on.

Listen.

Listen to me.

We're going to contact your pops. Okay? What's here we go.
Bob, hold on. Listen.
Listen to me. We're going to contact your pops.

Okay?

What's his name again?

Robert.

Robert E. Lee.

Yeah.

Bob Lee.

We have to say goodbye at the end, otherwise his spirit will still remain.

Okay.

Alright?

Now put your two hands on.

Two hands.

Okay.

Now calmly and slowly, the bravest amongst us asks the first question. So, go

ahead.

Dad, are you in heaven?

I'm not touching. I am not moving.
Look.

Yeah, you are. No, I'm not.

You have to be. No, I'm not.

I promise. Why are you moving? What is it? What is it? T? T? Yeah.
What does that say? I can't read. I can't see it.
What is it? TG? TG. I don't know what it is.
What's TG? He's at TGI Fridays.

He loved TGI Fridays.

Are you being serious?

Yeah, he loved TGI Fridays.

That's his favorite fucking restaurant.

Well, let's ask him another question.

Obviously, he's having fun.

This is fun.

See?

There's a TGI Fridays in heaven.

Oh, wow.

Let's ask.

Okay. Okay.

I want to ask him a question about you.

Do you miss Bobby?

Do you miss Bobby?

Lightly, lightly.

Put your finger...

No, don't lean your weight on it.

It should be like this.

I'm not.

You're pulling. I'm not.
I swear to God, be like this. I'm not.
You're pulling it.

I'm not. I swear to God, I'm not.

I'm not pulling it.

Look.

Lightly.

You're pulling it.

No, I'm not. I'm not.

You're so strong.

I'm not pulling... I did not pull it.

Because I tried to pull, it wouldn't pull my way.

I'm not pulling it.

Come here, you have to go...

You have strong fingers.

I am not pulling it. You have strong fingers.
I am not pulling it.

You have strong fingers.

Do you miss Bobby, Bob Lee?

I'm not.

You have to be pulling.

I'm not.

Oh, you gotta be kidding.

I'm not.

You're pulling it, pushing it my way.

No, I'm not.

What's that?

It says U.

The letter U.

Does he miss you?

No, so what was the question?

Does he miss you?

Okay, let's get the other letters.

All right.

What is that? M. U.M.? Oh, I know what it is.
What's U.M.? So ask me if I'm the dad. Ask me.
Mr. Lee, do you miss Bobby? Oh.
So he doesn't... Okay.
No, he's thinking about it. Um.
Um. Oh, he doesn't know.
He doesn't, okay No, he's thinking about it Oh, he doesn't know He doesn't know Or you at the University of Montana Is there a University of Montana? Of course there is Home of the Buff Bluffs, yeah The Buff Bluffs are up there So maybe that has something to do with it. Because my dad lived in Montana for a bit.

What?

You am.

Bobby, Mr. Lee, tell us, what's the one thing that you would ask Bobby now about what's going on?

What do you want to know about Bobby?

Yeah, what do you want to know about me, Dad?

Ouija.

Oh my God.

What is that?

G?

You have to re-center it. Go back to Ouija and re-center it.

Put your fingers on it lightly.

Why are you pulling?

I'm not.

Oh, my God.

A. A.

D. A.

Y. Gay.
You are pulling it with your fucking straw. Say goodbye.
Say goodbye. Say goodbye.
Goodbye, Dad. Bye, Dad.
How many days now? 15 days. 15 days of no pornography.
Wow. Wow.
Wait, how bad was your problem, Steve? It wasn't that it was bad, bad. It was that I didn't like what pornography was doing to my mind.
Sure. Sure.
Because I realized, I mean, because, you know, we're messed up. I mean, I'm not blaming him.
Don't. He definitely, I know.
I have nothing to do with that. I know, I know.
But you want. Don't clump me in with your shit.
But I just remember it was a progressive thing as far as... I remember younger, this was before the internet,

like him having like a DVD. He had a whole like collection of them and I would take one or two and then...
How many? Three. You? Ooh.

He could have filled up like a- You?

He could have filled up an Amoeba record a whole store.

You know those booklets where you put CDs?

You know those big black thick booklets?

He had hundreds of those. Collections.
Like the Beatles. Collections.
Collections. Collections.
Yeah, just collectors. Just filled.
Filled. Sorry.
But the rest. Hey, but Steve, let me ask you though.
What was the reason that you quit? What was the moment? Well, I realized that it affected just my like my relationship sex life yeah or just it just kind of like it not only desensitized me like as far as because i noticed too like when i was like like i would be on porn hub or x videos my searches would be a little bit more further like going kind of outside the box. Like what? Give us an example.
Well, it started with just like POV doggy or something like that or, you know, cream pie. Just like your...
I don't know if that's standard. That's run in the mill.
But then it started going into like crackhead cream pie. So...
I'm sorry. Shut up, bitch.
Shut it started with that And then Then it started progressing to Grandma Like grandmother stuff Grandma cream pie I was like looking at Granny's was looking at grandmothers. He goes, Bob.
I go, yeah. He goes, do you ever masturbate to grandmothers? To grandmas.
I go, no. Like, who does? No.
He goes, oh, okay. And he's hung up.
So just the type of. Why do you like grandmas? Well, I'll tell you how it makes you feel afterwards.

When you're laying there and you had just ejaculated watching a grandmother getting cream-pied,

you don't feel so good about yourself.

No.

I wouldn't think you would.

I mean, that walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up is a lot more worse than I would. Especially if it's still playing in the background.
Yeah. The Bad Friends Drinking Game.
Here's how you play. Every time Bobby Lee says...
The thing is, is that. The thing is, is that.
Because the thing is, is that. The thing is, is that.
The thing is, is that. The thing is, is that.
The thing is, is that. The thing is, is that is that Have a drink Must be legal drinking age to play But whatever dude, we're not the fucking cops Okay? Wow, that's really nice of you But I'm doing this for you because I really want you to quit smoking Do you care though, really? Yeah, see, this is what's annoying This is the crux of what we're talking about Let.
Let me say it right now. Here's my question for you.
Why do you have to assume ill intent with everything that either one of us are doing when it comes to our friendship towards you? Automatically. Yeah, it's just automatically there's some kind of agenda.
I have no agenda. I have genuine love for you.
I'm going to tell you why. Hold on.
Let me explain something real real fast yes it's on the show because I think it's entertaining to put on the show but I knew the only way you would take me serious is if I put it on the show if I said I'm gonna get you a hypnotherapist off air you'd be like I don't wanna do it fuck you shut up leave me alone I'm just gonna give you an example I'm just gonna give you an example This encapsulates my relationships with you Hollywood types.

Oh, my God.

And I'm a man of the people.

You're the most Hollywood person.

I'm a man of the people.

You're the most man of the people.

You're wearing a $9,000 shirt.

What?

You're wearing a $9,000 shirt.

This is $90 a shirt.

More.

You're the most Hollywood person.

You're the most Hollywood guy on earth.

I know.

I take very big offense to that.

Oh, you're the Hollywoodist motherfucker.

I'm a man of the people. Oh, my God.
I grind it out with the fucking common folk. You complain constantly about not being around common folk.
That's not true. That's not true.
You say stuff to me. You know what you said to me when we had dinner at the house? What? About the steak thing? What? And I said, oh, man, I should go get steaks.
And you go, ew, ew, no. Have someone bring us steaks.
That's what you said. Yeah, Postmates.
Was he complaining? Postmates. Because he's always telling me I'm complaining.
Yeah, he complained. But all this motherfucker does is complain.
Yeah. I'm going to tell you.
But the narrative is out there. All these fucking idiot ass fans are like, are you complaining again, Griffin? Because anything he says.
So I got to have fat Lando for the rest of my fucking life. You know, all this shit that these people say to me.
And that's one of these narratives where I go, this motherfucker complains all the time. We commiserate with each other but then you put it out there like I'm the only...
I was gonna tell you a story that encapsulates my fucking relationship with you Hollywood types. Okay.
I'm gonna say that again. Go ahead.
We're not Hollywood types. All right, so I have a friend named Steve Byrne.
We know him well. Okay, so he calls me one day and he says –

Is this an Asian beef?

It's not an Asian beef.

Okay, I'm just curious.

No, because he happens to be half Korean.

I love Asian beef, by the way.

Yeah, it's delicious.

Mongolian.

Yeah.

Go ahead.

He calls me one day and he goes, I'm doing a movie.

I'm doing a movie, he says.

Uh-huh.

Right?

And I go, okay, cool.

I want you in it.

Thank you.

A week later, when I'm supposed to shoot,

I see Jimmy O. Yang.

I'm in Steve Byrne's movie.

He's good.

He's a good actor.

And he's very funny.

Listen, I'd pick Steve O. Yang.

I would pick Jimmy O. Yang.

I get that.

He's really good.

Go ahead.

It's either him or Dat Fan. You know what I mean? Either or.
Either or. All right.
All right. Anyway, you see Jimmy O.
Yang. You see Jimmy O.
Yang. He's shooting the movie.
Right. So I call Steve and I go, Hey, I thought you called me for the movie.
He goes, yeah, you know, I just, I'm going to use Jimmy O.ang. Yeah.
You know. But was my feelings hurt? No, because that's what I expect out of you types.
This is not, Steve Burton has nothing to do with us! Wait, wait, Andrew, Andrew, Andrew. This, would this kind of be like if I said, hey, let's do a podcast together.
Yeah. And then you go, I decided to go with Andrew.
No. Because see, you Hollywood types.
No, you Hollywood types. Listen.
You're a Hollywood motherfucker. Hey, you.
You're a Hollywood motherfucker. I already told you.
How is it different? Tell me. Let me tell you something.
I already told you why. You two Hollywood types.
I said, right? Stop. I said, right to you, I said, you know how he is like.
Yeah. Well, he's a bully.
He's aggressive. He's a bully.
He's a bully. Shut up.
He's a big bully. Yeah, you are.
Shut up. You're a bully.
And he's cornering me into a fucking, like, you know, it's like. And you know I'm nice.
You're nice. And you took advantage of that and didn't tell me like you wanted Steve Byrne to tell you.
No, That's not true. I'm just saying that I already called you.
Would you have wanted a respectful call from Steve Byrne being like, Bobby, I've actually decided to go in a different direction. Would you have liked that call? Would that have made you feel good? Right, and that's why I called you.
You didn't. This is the same call.
Yeah, I called you and I said, talk man to man, right? Friend to friend, right? Oh. Yeah.
And I said, you know what? Was I on that call? Yeah, I called you. So he threw me under the bus.
He goes, he's a bully. He blamed everything on me.
By the way, this wasn't even my idea. Whose idea was it? Your idea? Kalilah was the first one that said, you guys really should.
The fans in the last belly said, you should. You should, you should.
So then it was, you should, you should, you should. And then we finally just, I said, do you want to do one? I'll do one.
Are we going to do one or no? And then you said, well, you know, Griff had asked me before, but it never worked out because then we did belly. And then you said to me, no, we can't do a show.
And I said, okay. And then I said, do you want to do one or not? After the third time we did the show, and well, you guys should just do one together.
So don't put it on me. No, you're twisting my fucking mind right now.
How? You're a mind twister. How? That's true.
To tell you. To tell you.
He's a mind twister right now, dude, right? I am upset to leave everyone here in LA. It's not true.
I do. You're so excited to go to Hawaii.
I'm so excited. But I'm very excited as well.
And I'm so grateful for my life. I really am.
I love everything. I look around my life.
I walk out. I walk outside my, I wake up and I walk outside my house.
I look, see a little jewel sleeping in her room and the dogs, you know what I mean? Running around. And I look at my, at my beautiful girlfriend.
You're about to say wife. Soon to be wife.
And are you really get married i'm gonna marry her yeah when soon well the fans want to know i just don't know how to do it the engagement yeah would you have a ring i'll get one well that's probably the first step you got to get etsy or something get it not on etsy ebay etsy ebay etsy's cheaper is it don't know. I'll go to eBay.
What do you think you would do for a proposal? Probably put in a cupcake, but then she won't eat the whole thing. Right.
Yeah. And then you've got to eat more of it.
You know what you should do? What? Have one of the dogs eat it and then be like, oh, my God, we have to take him to the vet. And they go to the vet and then they cut the dog open and there's a ring inside.

Yeah, and the dog is hemorrhaging.

Hemorrhaging and while it's bleeding out,

I look out and they find the ring.

I go, will you marry me?

Perfect.

Oh, wow, that's a good one.

Perfect.

Yeah.

You just got to hope the dog doesn't die.

Yeah.

But if it does, you're already at the vet.

Or stick the ring inside my anal canal. Canal, right? And I'll say, finger me.
Right? Will she? And then she fingers me with this. I go, no, with this finger.
Use your ring finger. Ring finger.
Right? And then boom. And then as she pulls it out.
Yeah, it's on. Will you marry me? That's perfect.
Pretty good. What else is another one? Rudy, are any of these good, do you think? A good way for a girl to get proposed to I like the dog one the one where of course you do so creepy I know because everything that I do right you don't like no no she likes she likes she likes how how sadistic it is yours is dirty and this one was death she likes death oh she wants sadistic and death yeah like Rudy's the kind of person Alright well then I stick the ring Right If you walk into a green room Yeah There are some comics And they can't help themselves They'll go When I walk in They do that too when you walk in Yeah when I walk in And then you And then I've been conditioned to laugh at it But it hurts It burns Really? Yeah it burns But you have to go that's a good one you know what i mean like you've seen it 30 million times in your life of course yeah yeah they go gong and then they giggle you know what i mean people are really doing that oh yeah yeah when you walk in the room yeah well tell tell tom about you learning about microaggressions all right right, so yesterday I went to – I was just Googling things.

This is before I found out that Trump had COVID.

And then I went to my high school.

I'm obsessed with my high school.

So I went to Poway High School.

I Googled that on YouTube, and then they go –

Wait, you're obsessed with your high school?

Dude, it's so pathetic.

He wants to be in the high school hall of fame.

They don't respect me.

He wants to be in the alumni, the notable alumni.

They don't like me.

How are you not in the notable alumni?

I am on Wikipedia, but I'm not –

Thank you. He wants to be in the high school hall of fame.
They don't respect me. He wants to be in the alumni, the notable alumni.
They don't like me. How are you not in the notable alumni? I am on Wikipedia, but I'm not by them.
Oh, right. Yeah, because I don't.
Is this a big high school? It's pretty big. Yeah, they don't find me to be a credible entity when it comes to fame.
Hmm. Right? think that, like...
That's kind of hard to believe, man.

Well, they have people that are, like, if you look it up,

we've done this before on the show,

where you Google their notable... Yeah, alums.

Alums.

And it's, like, you know, Ving Trang,

who, you know, plays the violin for the orchestra.

How many seasons were you on MADtv?

Eight.

Come on, man.

Like, that alone. They don't care.
But anyway. That thing was on the air for eight fucking years? Well, the show was on air for 14 years.
The one that you were on, though. Yeah, but I was on the show the last eight years of Mad TV.
Wow. I met you on the street.
I met you on the street when you were doing that. I remember that.
No, you don't. What a great day.

You don't remember it. Tomás.
I have a vivid memory of meeting him on the street. He says this all the fucking time.
Go ahead. Tell him.
It was a fucking, you're with some tall blonde, really tall. Was she cute? Yeah.
She was like 6'1". And then I was super, I was like excited to meet you.
Yeah. And we started riffing like a bit right there on the street.
Yeah. And you hopped on my back.
That's right. Yeah.
You don't remember that. You don't remember that.
Yeah, I do. I hopped on your back and I go, I whipped you and I go, gallop on.
No, that's not the bit. Fatty.
Nope. No.
No. No, it was about a fire rescue thing.
Oh, it was? I was rescuing you from a burning building. Tom, let me just say something.
When I see people with your body type, I always jump on the back. Just body type meaning I can do deadlifts? No, no, no.
Body type meaning that you're not morbidly fat like some people we know. Right? But you have a thickness to to you i'm a thick boy yeah yeah and and it's that's not a bad thing and you can you believe he's saying this bobby you're basically like you're just a squished figure of a taller fat guy bob that's you're just if somebody accordion to taller fat guy jules like liked that one.
Hey, Andrew?

It's true. You talk like

you're not, like you call him thick.

You have such a rotund belly.

You have a pot belly. I'm fat.

Yeah.

I'm not denying that.

Yeah, but you say you jump on his back.

Because I'm smaller.

A smaller fat guy is going to jump on a

fatter fat guy's body. It's like the.
I'd get crushed by him. Let's go.
Every fucking time. Oh, no.
Oh, my God. Oh, no, no, no.
You're such a fucking brat. What do you want? I want her to ask me how I'm feeling.
And how often do you genuinely ask him how he is? You make me sound like I'm the bad guy. Get closer to the mic.
Don't back away. Yeah, you have to get closer to the mic so we can hear you.
Yeah, yeah. No.
Get closer to the mic. Get closer to the mic.
Get closer to the mic! Get closer to the mic. Don't go away.
Hey, talking to the mic. Just keep your mouth right where the mic is.
Closer to the fucking mic. Closer to the mic.
What? Closer to the mic. Get closer to the mic.
Talking to the mic. Get closer to the mic, Jules.
Talking to the mic. Your mouth closer to the mic.
Talking to the fucking mic, Rudy. Talking to the mic.
Talking to the fucking mic. Talking to the mic.
Um, boo-boo. Happy Halloween.
Get closer to the mic. These mics actually get close to you

I think we should just like

We can take over

Do you think the show would be successful if we would do it?

Maybe

Right?

Maybe

Look we even have

Some of the homeless plus

Clothes from

Tito Bobby

Yeah

Thank you. That's super easy.
It's like, you're late! You're late today. Why are you late? Right? You just have to do nothing.
This is the easiest job in the world. Yeah.
They don't even know how much we do. Can I still have my knife? Yeah.
I think you should have your knife. Okay.
That's it. There you are.
If they interrupt us, then... Then we use it? be nice be so nice i think this will be so much nicer you talking now you're starting yeah why don't you start the podcast let them start the podcast all right is it on everything on yeah okay go ahead welcome to bad friends hi

we decided to take over bobby and andrew yeah because this is such an easy job we just get to talk and shout at each other right right and be mean be mean we could could be good friends instead of bad friends. Yeah.
Right? We're way nicer. So what did you do today, Juliana? Did you slept until like four? No, I slept until five.
And I woke up because the constructors were coming to our house. Because yesterday, Tito Bobby flood the house.
No. Well, we were on the beach.
No, no, no. I didn't fucking.
Shut up. Shut up.
Yeah. Right.
So what else happened? And then the floor is broken, and then we have to move to another house in a week. How did he do that? I don't know.
He couldn't hear it, but I don't believe him. Was he playing video games? He was doing yoga.
Nah. He was exercising? Yeah.
Oh, wow. You guys are doing a good job with him.
What about you, Admir? Tita Bobby, can you get closer to the mic? I am close. Closer.
This is it. It's right in my mouth.
No, closer. I'm close now.
This is the way. It can't get any closer than this.
That's what you do. We have to read a scene from Hunter x Hunter, her favorite show.
And we'll let the fans decide if this is quality material or not. Who am I going to play? Which one am Ires jord kaluha i'm kaluha i'm kaluha i'm kaluha i'm kaluha yes which one you're well go ahead and tell us how to say the name you're the one that you're the expert um kilo and i calgo i don't this is a this is my wig that they got for me do you want to wear this No, you can wear it.
It's not going to fit on your head. Well, Do I get it? I don't...
This is my wig that they got for me.

Do you want to wear this?

No, you can wear it.

It's not going to fit on your head.

Well, because I need to look Asian.

You guys do look Asian.

I'm the only one in here that doesn't look Asian,

so I need to look like an Asian.

Okay.

Do I look Asian?

No, no, no.

That didn't work? I don't look Asian? No, you look better. I look gooder.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I look Asian no no no that didn't work I don't look Asian no you look better I look gooder yeah yeah yeah I look more good okay I'm Kalua and who's Rudy nothing Rudy's not in this no I'm gonna read oh you're gonna read oh you're gonna be the narrator yeah yeah cause we can't hear Fancy B he's too tough to make out okay here we go this is a Hunter x Hunter, Rudy's favorite show.
Look at her smile. See, we try to make her happy, too.
Okay, ready? Go ahead, Rude. Previously on Hunter x Hunter.
These suction cups save me. Anyway, aren't you an octopus? Oh, don't call me.
Don't call me an octopus. Intro sequence.
Hunter, Hunter. Go ahead.
Strange bees and monsters, vast riches, hidden treasures, evil hunts, uncharted frontiers, the mysterious unknown,

the people who are captivated by the magic in those worlds are called Hunters.

A mob of assassins attacks Killua after he and Gon split up to stop the selection.

One of them is Ikalgo, an octopus chimera ant.

Aren't you an octopus? Don't call me octopus! He flies away. See ya! I need to find a new horse.
I can't charge. My next shot.
I'll let the awful siblings take care of me here. But out of nowhere, Kilwa jumps on him, grabs his gun, and attacks himself to a rock using the Kimura arms.
Yo! We meet again. So we do.
Long time no see, you know. Can I ask you something? Sure, go ahead.
Why didn't you dive underwater to escape? You should have an advantage in the water. Don't tell me you can't swim.
Ah, well... It's the blood, right? When they smell blood, your bodies in the water go berserk and ask the injured no matter who it is.
With those wounds, if you went in there, you'd be torn to shreds. Am I wrong? Ah, well, I suppose that one way too.
Andreas, you're the dragonfly. Or dreagonfly.
Ikago, did you finish off the kid? No, he didn't change his voice. Jesus Christ.
Try to change your voice. Or anything.
Cut, do it again. Cut, lead him into it with your oh well line.
Oh well, I suppose that's one way too. Ikago, did you finish off the kid? Same voice.
Didn't make like a small attempt to change the voice Not even a shift or anything? We're gonna do it one more time One more time, bro It's not even hard, Andres It's not hard at all Oh, well I suppose that one way too Oh, Ikalgo did you finish off the key? Oh my god You're fired Let's give George a shot George go ahead try to be the dragonfly I suppose that one way too did you finish off the kid pretty good you're hired no we were still fighting who are you talking to he screwed screwed up! Wait, wait.

Do we change roles there?

Yep.

Let me do it again.

Okay.

No, we're still fighting!

Who are you talking to?

I screw up!

Right.

You all can communicate via telepathy.

Talking to your boss, it's that guy who was flying over me, right?

Wait. Now look here.
Oh, sorry. Hey, Icargo! Come to me! He's Spanish.
He's Spanish. It's so funny.
He sounds more Hispanic than Andres does. You could say that.
What I might be doing is we're still fighting. A dragonfly creature flies in the forest.
I think Jules, you're the creature, but you should do a different accent. A dragonfly creature enters the forest.
Oh, sorry to interrupt you. Let me know if you learn anything.
If he sees a dozen of dragonfly flying around inside a cave, the enemy would go suspicious. I won't be able to send my satellite.
Dragonfly inside!

Very good, Jules.

Back in the cave. Let's make a deal then.
If you tell me about his power, I'll spare your life. You have ten seconds to answer.

Killar throw the chimera arms in the water. The sea creatures go crazy, devouring it.
Eight seconds left.

I can'touring it. 8 seconds left.
Ikalgo is puzzled. 6 seconds.
Ikalgo's mind wanders dreaming. I wanted to take it for us to eat.
I wouldn't give anything to have been a true person. Do similar.
If so, you're mistaken. Octopi are ugly.
Squids are squid-erific. I think they look divine.
Two seconds. I won't betray a body.
Ikago cuts his arm off and falls in slow motion. Yes, I could see that in your eyes.
I can only hope that in my next life I'll be born on squid. With quick moves, Killua catches Ikalgu rescuing from a certain death.
What? Because you're a cool guy. In different circumstances, we could have been friends.
Wow. I kind of want to watch the show now.
Are we close? Your voices are very different because Kilawa is an 11-year-old. Oh.
What's Kilgago? Kilgago is an octopus. He has like a squeaky voice.
Why does he keep saying don't call me an octopus when he is one? Because he doesn't want to be an octopus. What does he want to be? A squid because all of his friends bully him.

Oh, this is deep.

That's the context that we should have had.

Well, if you read scripts, you'd know context.

Lesson is learned here.

That's pretty impressive though. I gotta be honest

with you. At first I thought that was gonna be

phooey and I really did like it.

At first I was like, this is stupid.

But it's really good, huh?

Could we try three crazy Andrewrew over here he's crazy you're nuts yeah i'm a goof yeah could we try and actually get in it for at least 10 minutes at some point in this podcast i think we should do an improv game what do you think so you say a sentence of a story just andrew just Andrew has never said no once if a camera's been on him. You know, just an old-fashioned Second City improv game.
You know what I mean? Where we – And I'll make it up. I don't even know if this is a game.
But you say – you tell me one sentence of a story. Right? One sentence.
I'll do the second sentence, and we'll just keep going. Jules, you have to – Oh, that is a game where you do one word.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You do one word.
No, no, no, Jules. Word.
One word. One word.
Everyone says one word. Is that what it is? Is that the sentence? You say one word, and then you try and keep the cadence of an actual story.
Yeah, yeah. You want to try that? A phrase or a word? A word.
We're telling a story. Let's do the phrase.
One word, I mean. Let's do a word.
Okay, just a word. Yeah.
So, Jules, you're playing, number one. And number two, this is how it works.

No, this is how you works.

We'll be right back.

Yeah, but that's exactly how it is.

Everyone says this, you know what I mean?

You're supposed to say it. J mean? You're supposed to say it.

Jules, you're supposed to say it.

But it's fine.

All right?

Jules.

Do you not want to try it?

Jules.

I'm ready to go.

All right.

Once.

There.

Was.

A.

Pumpkin.

Gourd.

In.

Connecticut.

And.

It.

Went.

What did she say?

Went.

Yeah, this isn't going to work.

Get closer to the mic.

Yeah, you have to get closer to the mic. Also, you can't take time.
It has to be da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, this isn't going to work.
Get closer to the mic. Yeah, you have to get closer to the mic.

Also, you can't take time.

It has to be da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Yeah, no one can take time.

I didn't.

Yeah, you did.

She's got to speak up.

She's got to speak up.

Okay.

And louder.

Put the mic to your mouth.

Here we go.

Ready?

I'm sorry.

Ready?

I vowed never to say that again.

Put the fucking mic to the mouth.

Okay.

All right.

Don't get angry.

All right, here we go.

Ready?

Okay.

So. Once.
There. Was.
Alright. Don't get angry.
Alright, here we go. Ready? Okay.
So once there was a woman named Clarine and she swam very well. But one time there was this huge pumpkin.
Alright. Stop.
What does that have to do with the swimming? Stop. stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.

What does that have to do with the swimming?

Stop, stop, stop, stop.

All right.

You know, the last one we did.

It's fine.

It's our first improv game.

The last one we did, we brought up the pumpkin. And I'm just saying, there's just so many, you know, nouns that you could have picked.

Right?

Anything.

Anything, right?

Anything.

Ever on the earth.

You know what I mean? Whatever. And you chose pumpkin chose pumpkin all right so let's start over right and not use we're starting complete so this time don't use previous words so that you can you know okay why don't we bobby i have a question yeah how about the three of us try to explain this to her real quick by using the game okay all right yeah why Why don't we do that? we do that? First, you have to talk directly into the microphone.
Then, you must explain to the audience that we are not that smart. There we go.
I really like this podcast. So, one last one? Yeah, let's do one.
Just for shits and giggles. But I want Rudy to start it.
Yeah, you have to start it, Rudy. Okay.
One. Time.
I. Eight.
A. Pumpkin.
It's like, I've known you all. Hold on.
Is on is that music oh are you cleaning a knife yeah what is that for um i just bought it what what i just brought it at home you brought that knife yeah? Yeah. Here? I asked that to Kalilah if I can play with it and maybe decorate it here.
And she said, yeah. Wait, wait.
Whose knife is that? I've never seen that knife before in my life. No, I bought it at home and then I brought it here.
You bought it in the mail? Yeah. And you brought it here? Yeah, here yeah on amazon holy you brought that and and what is that knife for um i thought that i could play with it but then um i thought also that i could like decorate my table oh you want to decorate your table with a fucking Clingon hunting knife? That's your station.

You're allowed to do whatever you want to your station.

This is really weird because I did not see... Dude, I heard a sing-sing

and I'm thinking it's music.

No, I'm serious. I heard sing-sing

and I'm thinking, oh, someone's got music on in their

headphones. But she's cleaning the knife.

Yeah. It's kind of rusty.

Did you know this was... You brought this.
You saw

her bring this in?

I swear to God on my mother's life that I did not see her bring that into the car.

No, I did.

You remember when we got out?

I grabbed my hand at the back.

Is there a sleeve that it goes in?

Is there like a leather pouch?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think you cleaned it enough.

Stick it back in the pouch.

Can I see it? Yeah. Yeah.
I think you cleaned it enough. Stick it back in the pouch.
Can I see it? Yeah.

Yeah.

Holy shit.

This has the dried blood of soldiers on it. Look at that.
That's the dried blood

of men. Yeah.
Where did you buy this,

Rude? Amazon. Yeah, but like

from just like a guy?

Um, yeah. Is it

handmade? I don't know.

But it was like $25.

Do you want to cut something? That's all it

was? It was $25? Yeah, that's

Thank you. Um, yeah.
Is it handmade? I don't know, but it was like $25. Do you want to cut something? That's all it was, is $25? Yeah, that's fine.
Let me see. Should I cut this as hard as I can? No.
Why? Can I hold on to it? God, I don't trust you with it so much. Give me the fucking knife.
Say please. Please.
Fuck no. Jag off.
You're a jag off. Giving you a fucking weapon.
I'm giving you a weapon? Really? I don't have Amazon. I can't get a knife as well? Then get a knife and bring one yourself.
I will. I'm going to bring other things as well.
Okay? Give me the knife. Put your hand out real fast.
Let me do the knife game. You know the knife game? All right, do it.
See what happens. Okay.
Go ahead. Put it more in the middle.
I can't really. All right, ready? Oh, man.
This is so fucking... Can I do yours now? No, because you'll stab me on purpose as a bit.
No, you're going to do it as a bit. Why would I stab you as a bit? I wouldn't do it.
Because you would do it and then you'd go, Oh, my God, I was just kidding. Yes, you were.
What? You have no trust with me. Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Put your fucking hand down or I'm leaving.

That's not fair.

If you stab my fucking hand.

Yeah.

I'm dead serious.

Yeah.

I'm going to fucking beat the shit out of you.

You don't think that that's going to be a... Yeah.

Be a man, dude.

Slow.

You cucksucker.

Oh, no, no.

Go faster. Oh oh fuck this shit Rudy why do you have this I thought I don't know get close to the mic Rudy get close to the fuck you thought what I thought that I could decorate I know but yeah but get candles and you you get candles and, you know, and photographs.
That's what people use in America. Yeah, but then everyone's, like, saying that I'm Rudy with a knife.
You are Rudy with a knife. Because you had one dream, but that doesn't make you who you are.
Because you had a dream. But it's also nice.
She does like knives. She does like knives.
Oh, my God. She's a spooky girl.
Oh, that's right. That's right.
Yesterday was Mother's Day. So we put together a little video.
Some of the fans sent in Mother's Day pictures. We really appreciate it.
We want to say thank you for that. Was your mom? Yeah, go ahead.
Yeah, you fucking piece of shit. Don't talk shit about my mom.
The hovel is what I like to call her. Yeah, so this is a lot of the fans sent in pictures of their mom.
And we put together a little something for Mother's Day. Let's enjoy it.
Is it our pictures of our moms or? It's our fans' moms. Our fans.
Oh, that's great. Let's see, let's see.
Don't make fun of them by the way. This is no way.
Happy Mother's Day, mamas. Oh, yeah.
Beautiful women across the world. Oh, there we are.
Listen to the song. You know it.
Go ahead, girl. I want to take your mama out for date night.
Make her feel all right. Give her conversation till the daylight.
Cause she is so damn tight. I pick your mama up in a Ford Flex That I borrowed from my last ex Leave your purse mama Cause I got checks Tonight gonna be about mental sex We hit up TGI Fridays Take the scenic route Forget the highways There's no such thing as my way It's about you mama, you my baby When dinner's done, take your ass straight home, walk you to the front door so you're not alone Kiss your hand and say thanks for the love you've shown, get back in my car and then I'm gone Show you respect like the queen you must be.
You never stutter, always speak indirectly. You ever need me, mama, you just text me.
Until then, you stay so damn sexy. Happy Mother's Day, mama.
Happy Mother's Day, mamas. Wow.
You know what would have been better is if we'd done that video, but you lip-sicked it lip-sync what? because at first when we were playing the video I thought Andrew's singing this live what a talent I don't remember the lyrics let's just try one real quick by the way I do want to say this seriously a lot of fans sent in pictures of moms beautiful mothers and some of the fans mothers passed away. And some of these photos are of moms that are not with us anymore, which I just want to say we appreciate.
You know, Bob knows about loss of a parent, so it's cool that people included their moms that were gone. It was a big deal.
I thought that was very nice. I thought that was very nice.
That's why the song is not disrespectful. It's very respectful of the mamas.
Okay. Obviously, if I'm running, I know my frailties.

I'm not like Trump where I'm like, I know everything, right?

Trust me.

I know my frailties.

You'd go back on so much.

I know I'll be fucked.

Yeah.

Right?

So I'm going to need somebody, right, that, you know what I mean, could really back me up.

Imagine how big your teleprompter would need to be.

You can't read the TV that's three feet away. I know.
I would neverter so what would you do with speeches? you'd improvise every speech? alright here we go, a national address right now you're the president of the United States oh god not this you're going to look right into your camera right there no no this one right here I want you to make a national address to the country to tell them that we're I'm not going to to be funny about it, but I want to be real. Yeah, of course.
That's what they need out of you. You're the president.
Because a lot of times when I do these improvs, I lean toward funny. Don't be funny.
I'm not going to do it. I want to be real about it.
This is real. All right.
Okay, so I want you- But do not laugh. I'm not going to.
Because it's not funny. Tell her.
She's the one that does it. All right.
I want you to address the nation and tell them that we're- What's going on though? Tell me the scenario. Can I tell you? Yeah.

We're under attack right now.

We've had a terrorist attack.

Okay?

Okay.

All right?

Where?

In New York City in the subway line.

Okay, okay.

But can I tell you

what was going on down there?

What?

A bunch of terrorists

decided to start raping-

Okay, okay, okay.

That's all you need to know.

Raping and killing people

in the subway.

You're my Secretary of Defense.

In the subway.

This is what's going to go on backstage,

by the way.

You're my Secretary of Defense.

You're telling me.

Sir, okay.

Sir, a bunch of people.

I got it.

Okay.

So you need to address the country.

I'm it. Okay.
So you need to address the country. I got it.
In three. You said terrorists.
Two. New York.
Hear it, hear it. Look there.
Okay. You're my secretary of defense.
Hear it, hear it. To the people.
You know what I mean? I, your president, have a national address for you. As we know, our Constitution creates a foundation in which we must react to global epidemics and also national ones.
And something horrific occurred in New York City. I also want to add that I, as president, to the people, right, based on all the amendments, especially the second one and all of them, they're all important, by the way.
The amendments were created, right, as, you know, a tool set in which we can look down the line. We have 50-plus amendments.
There are a lot. There are a lot.
All right? Tell them what happened. We will.
We'll get to that because I know that I have to fill 30 minutes, right? Yeah, but they want to know what happened. Tell them what happened, sir.
Sir. I'm sorry.
People are dying. This is no laughing matter.
I apologize. This is no laughing matter, right? Yesterday, last night.
Last night? Last night at 2 in the morning. So technically today.
So technically today, right? Although some would assume that it happened yesterday because it happened in the wee hours. Yesterday at two in the morning

in the subways of our great city of New York,

which is a part of the United States of America.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I don't know why.

Sorry.

What happened, sir?

A gang of terrorists, ISIS,

a.k.a. Al-Qaeda.
A.k.a. from Turkey.
What? Yeah, Hassan. Okay.
Hassan and his wife. Okay.
Hassan and his wife, right? They dispatched their cronies, a.k.a. the ISIS, right? To come into our great city of New York, which happens to be in the United States of America, to terrorize us with their ideology that's based on scriptures that don't go against the Bible.
They do go against the Bible. They have a different ideology.
Although be it, we have freedom of religion in this country. So you may worship any god as you want.
So I am not judging one's religion or sect or dominatrix. Dominatrix, right? But yesterday at 2.32 a.m.
of today, right, in the subways of our great city, you know, they attacked a bunch of elderly people in the subways.

Now, this elderly group of people were going to a volleyball game.

They were going to a volleyball tournament, right, in Brooklyn, right?

They were going from Queens to Brooklyn, right?

They were this elderly volleyball team, right?

They're called the Hazmatics. And they were fighting, you know what I mean? The Crutchers.
Crutches. The Crutches in the final senior season volleyball tournament.
Championships. Right, championships in Brooklyn.
And they were waiting for the subway, right? And as you know, at 2.30, 2 in the morning, the subwaves, they don't, they're not as active as often, right? And they come in waves, the subwaves. So in the window between, you know what I mean, stop and go, between the two junctions, right, to the people, right? Hiri.
Right? No, I'm not done. Oh, shit.
I'm not done. Okay, yeah.
A gang of Al-Qaeda, Ahsan terrorists,

right?

They came in with their masks.

We had no idea what was going on.

We also have the best police force

in the subways of New York,

right?

And they patrol them

at every hour,

in every station,

in every point.

And we are salutes to them.

So we salute them.

All the seniors were raped.

They were raped.

They were bent over the benches down there in the subways in a line, right?

And these Al-Qaeda ISIS people, right?

They bent each one of them over.

They lube their dicks because, as you know, American citizens and senior citizens, they have dry orifices.

They're getting old, right?

They were raped, then murdered, then left to rot. they have dry orifices.
Dry tush. They're getting old, right?

They were raped, then murdered, then left to rot.

This morning at eight in the morning is when they were found.

Oh, God.

Yeah, so heary, heary, heary.

God bless America.

We will get these perpetrators.

And so long.

Honestly?

Yeah, pretty good. I mean, as your secretary of defense? Pretty good.
I? Yeah, pretty good.

I mean, as your secretary of defense,

I'm impressed. Thank you.
Woo Yeah