How The Bobo Ruined Christmas!

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Speaker 3 It's time for a Christmas tale.

Speaker 4 How the bubble ruined Christmas.

Speaker 3 It was the day before Christmas right here in LA. The people delighted, each in their own way.

Speaker 3 Faces were smiling and

Speaker 2 stop. Stop it.
This is terrible. Andres, they're never going to understand you.

Speaker 2 You're too fancy, B. Scoot over, scoot over.

Speaker 3 Move. Fine.

Speaker 2 Move.

Speaker 2 It was the day before Christmas, right here in L.A.

Speaker 2 The people delighted, each in their own way.

Speaker 2 Faces were smiling, and joy filled the air. Excited for gifts that they ordered this year.
The people in town were filled with glee, all except one.

Speaker 5 Who could it be?

Speaker 2 In the hills of Hollywood, tucked just behind the sign, stood a mountain of boogers, a stockpile of slime. Atop Booger Mountain, overlooking L.A.,

Speaker 2 lived a mean yellow creature in his gross Booger Cave.

Speaker 2 Grumpy and cranky from gaming all night, he peered down on the city. He hated the sight.
He was so sick of Christmas, so tired of it. For 49 years, he dealt with this shit.

Speaker 2 The festivities, the songs, they're all just so lame. It's that jerk Santo.
He was to blame. He must ruin Christmas, he thought to himself.
He must ruin Christmas. But how, Bobo? How?

Speaker 2 He then had an idea so vile and so mean.

Speaker 2 He'd give this crap town something special indeed.

Speaker 2 Quickly he jumped in his ramshackled van. He raced down to the city with a horrible plan.

Speaker 2 At every house, pad, and condo, on each and every floor,

Speaker 2 the Bobo white boogers on gifts at their doors.

Speaker 2 When the townfolks checked on their presents that night, they were greeted with the disgustingly horrible sight. Quickly they opened their Santa Claus app to leave their reviews.

Speaker 2 Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap.

Speaker 2 Back on the north side at the Christmas workshop, Santo's business was booming and growing non-stop. His orders were filled and delivered on time.

Speaker 2 Suck on it, Bezos. This holiday's mine.

Speaker 2 With peace of mind, without disconcert, suddenly his phone rang out. Red alert, red alert.
Christmas spirit was plummeting as fast as it could. Someone in Hollywood was up to no good.

Speaker 2 Santo was enraged. How could this happen? Quickly he dispatched his red elf assassin.
Rude Elf the Redblade boarded a plane. She flew to Los Angeles to investigate.

Speaker 2 Down Hollywood Boulevard and all over town, disgusting green boogers were left all around. Rudolph the Ninja leapt through the streets, searching for traces of the boogery fiend.

Speaker 2 She found where he lurked, yet he was not there. In the distance she could see the Bobo's green lair.

Speaker 2 Of course, Booger Mountain, overlooking LA, where the mean Bobo lives in his gross booger cave.

Speaker 2 Rudolph the ninja snuck in with stealth, where Bobo was playing video games all by himself.

Speaker 2 She snuck and she slunk and she crept up behind, placed her blade to his throat, grabbed her phone, and she dialed. FaceTime connected, and Santo saw clear, the Bobo was done for.

Speaker 2 His life will end here. Wait! Santo cried out to stop Rudy's blade.
He knew something was wrong. Just look at Bobo's face.

Speaker 2 With With tears in Bobo's eyes, Santo could see he wasn't mean at all. He was sad and lonely.
Santo's temper and rage was calmed and subdued. It was a miraculous thing.

Speaker 2 His tender heart grew.

Speaker 2 Release him, said Santo. This Bobo's just sad.
Instead, we'll give him the best Christmas he's ever had.

Speaker 2 The Bobo replied, if I could have just one wish, I've always wanted a friend to play my games with.

Speaker 2 So upon Christmas morning, to Bobo's delight,

Speaker 2 Santo stopped by the Booger Cave for a video game fight. The Bobo was happy, but Santo was a noob.

Speaker 2 Gaming was not something Santo could do.

Speaker 2 Round one, fight.

Speaker 2 You win perfect.

Speaker 2 Perfect, perfect. Round after round, it was much of the same.
Santo got his ass whooped, game after game.

Speaker 2 Santo Santo had had enough, his temper irate. This brutal assault he could no longer take.
That's it, you scumbag, Santo screamed out. The Bobo just laughed with a hollering shout.

Speaker 2 Santo's heart shrank down to its regular size. With a snap of his fingers, the Bobo met his demise.
Rudolph's red blade slashed down with such might.

Speaker 2 Merry Christmas, you bastards, and to all a bad night.

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. A YouTube or something.
We're bad friends. Ho, ho, ho.
Hi, Bob.

Speaker 5 Bobby must move for a mistrial now. That trial was an abomination and proved everything wrong with the judicial process in this country.
Bobby must move for a mistrial and demand a proper trial.

Speaker 5 The main witness in the case is a presiding judge.

Speaker 2 here.

Speaker 5 The judge happens to be a material witness and cannot testify unless she recuses herself as a presiding judge over this matter.

Speaker 5 If not, Bubbu's motion for a mistrial is deemed granted and new trial must be conducted.

Speaker 2 Merry Christmas!

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 5 for a week I've been thinking about this.

Speaker 2 You've been thinking about how the case?

Speaker 5 Yeah, anyway, I already lost and I paid. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 Ho, ho, ho. I'm sorry.

Speaker 5 Thank you. Ho ho ho, But I want to say this before we even start.

Speaker 2 No, we already started because we got that I'm sorry on there.

Speaker 5 I'm sorry.

Speaker 5 But case in point, though, you know, I showed up here right on time

Speaker 5 and I had to wait.

Speaker 2 You should actually show up five minutes early.

Speaker 5 Exactly, but it's now 8:02.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and we started two minutes ago when you started reading that long thing. A minute ago.
No, we literally started when you started reading that.

Speaker 5 One minute.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Ho, ho, ho, come on on with me. Happy Mary.
Mary Mary Mary.

Speaker 2 You know, everybody knows. Mary Mary.

Speaker 2 Everybody.

Speaker 2 Mary, Mary, Mary.

Speaker 2 Can I just say something about your outfit, though? Yeah, well, I'm Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Speaker 5 The thing is, is that

Speaker 2 what I don't get about Rudolph, can I just ask what?

Speaker 5 I don't know much about him.

Speaker 2 100%. I'll tell you everything you need to know.

Speaker 5 Thank you so much.

Speaker 2 So Rudolph was being teased.

Speaker 5 He was teased and bullied about

Speaker 2 having this red nose.

Speaker 5 And so at nights, probably Rudolph went to sleep crying a lot. Yeah.
Right? He probably couldn't sleep well because every time he'd close his eyes, the bright shine of the nose probably woke him up.

Speaker 2 Right. Right.

Speaker 5 Imagine that. Yeah.
You're trying to go to sleep, and then all of a sudden you just see this red glow in your face. Right.

Speaker 2 Terrible. That's, yeah.
That's how it is in my house and my wife.

Speaker 5 And then he would wake up and all the other fucking reindeer would be like, you fucking freak. Yeah.
Look at your nose, you freak.

Speaker 5 And they probably fucking, like dogs do with a fucking, you know, they piss like this

Speaker 5 on his fucking face.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 5 And then one day it's really snowy out,

Speaker 5 right? There's a blizzard or some shit. Santa Santa is, he's like scared.
Yeah. He's like, how am I going to navigate? And then he realizes the freak.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right? Yeah.

Speaker 5 Goes, hey, Rudolph, the freak, you're head.

Speaker 2 And Rudolph's like, why?

Speaker 2 Right? Right.

Speaker 5 Because if your freak knows.

Speaker 2 Right. Right? And Rudolph goes, okay.

Speaker 5 And he does it. And then all of a sudden, everyone likes him and he's cool.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 That's fucking a bullshit story.

Speaker 2 What they don't tell you is

Speaker 2 the next day, they still went back to beating the shit out of him.

Speaker 5 I know, that's true. They bullied him again.
That's what I always think, that they bullied him afterwards.

Speaker 2 Of course they did. Yeah.
Yeah. He got his little moment in the sun.
Yeah. But then after that, it was like, that's it.
Let's beat the shit out of him.

Speaker 2 Because I don't know if you know, but Donner and Vixen,

Speaker 2 they were in a gang.

Speaker 5 It sounds like it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Donner and Vixen were in a gang.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, they were Crips.
They probably had tattoos on their bellies. They were Crips.

Speaker 2 Little underbellies. Yeah, yeah, little reindeer underbellies.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they were Crips, and they hated that he was a blood. Rudolph was a blood.
Do you know he was a blood from South? That's why he's a red nose. He was a blood.
What is the freak?

Speaker 2 What's the only, what's your least favorite of all of these songs or limericks?

Speaker 5 I'll tell you, yeah.

Speaker 2 Taiya, ta-ya, ta-ya.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I was just in Hawaii, and I was at an ABC store. You know what an ABC store is? Yes, I do.
They're like their 7-Elevens.

Speaker 2 Same thing. Much better.
Yeah. Well, they're...
Cleaner. They're a little bit higher end than our 7-Eleven.
I think it's more like,

Speaker 2 what would we call it? It's like between CVS and.

Speaker 5 It's like an upgraded. You know how they started upgrading Starbucks's?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's like that. It's kind of like a high-end 7-Eleven.
7-Eleven.

Speaker 5 It's a 9-11. So it's there at 7-Eleven or their ABC store.
Yeah. And this is like in the beginning of December.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 And they start playing Christmas music, which is always bizarre in Hawaii.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, it feels like here, too. When you hear it here, you're like, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 5 Then they start singing this song.

Speaker 2 Let's get it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Frosty

Speaker 2 the snow. Snowman.
Right?

Speaker 5 And immediately in my head,

Speaker 5 Frosty hates Hawaii.

Speaker 2 He can't stand it.

Speaker 5 He would die instantly.

Speaker 2 Instantaneously.

Speaker 5 He'd get off the plane.

Speaker 5 It would be the puddle. It'd be Frosty the puddle.

Speaker 2 Just his nose and his eyes.

Speaker 5 He would just be dead.

Speaker 2 He hates Hawaii. Who likes Hawaii that's in the.
No hot. None of them.
None of them. Yeah.

Speaker 5 Santa Claus hates Hawaii. Do you think he's going to travel half the Pacific Ocean for 30 kids.

Speaker 2 How many kids are in Hawaii? Yeah. 40 tops? Maybe.

Speaker 5 Imagine Santa Claus, right? He thinks it's his last house in Cleveland. Right.

Speaker 2 Right? All right.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 5 Five in the morning, right? He just drops it off, and an elf calls him.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Bas.
Bas. And Santa's is like, yeah, yeah, what?

Speaker 5 I'm almost done.

Speaker 2 Hawaii. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 5 You know what I mean? He's got to get in it. He probably doesn't even have the presence.
Right.

Speaker 5 He has to look around. What do they like?

Speaker 2 Coconuts?

Speaker 2 Coffee. Here you go, kid.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Santa Claus hates Hawaii.

Speaker 2 Hates him. Yeah.
Does it like Southern California?

Speaker 5 No, he doesn't. Well,

Speaker 5 it's in the mainland.

Speaker 2 I guess it's easier. It's simpler to get.
It's easier to get.

Speaker 5 It's easier for him to do it.

Speaker 2 Do you think Santa judges the people? He goes, I don't really give better gifts because of this area. I don't like this area.
Probably. Yeah, that's right.
Probably.

Speaker 2 Like he sees what, and he goes, I don't like.

Speaker 2 He looks and he goes, Albuquerque. Yeah.
I don't know. Rudy, what's the best gift you ever got for Krimas?

Speaker 6 I don't know.

Speaker 3 Shoes.

Speaker 2 Shoes? That's the best that you've got. I gave you shoes.
On the show, I gave you shoes.

Speaker 5 It's fucking bullshit what she's saying. And the kind of fucking garbage that comes out of this ungrateful lady's fucking mouth.

Speaker 2 Well, hold on. I gave you shoes.

Speaker 2 Show your shoes right now because I know what's going on. Lift your feet up to the camera because you have one of ours on that I got you, the sandals I got you.

Speaker 6 I'm wearing two different.

Speaker 2 Yeah, why?

Speaker 6 I forgot. I didn't see.

Speaker 2 What? What do you mean you didn't see?

Speaker 6 Because the tobacco was yelling at me to go.

Speaker 2 Because you were late again.

Speaker 2 Were you late again? No, because

Speaker 2 of her. Yeah, no, I'm saying she was late.

Speaker 2 It sounds like that's the truth.

Speaker 5 That really is the truth.

Speaker 2 No, genuinely. So I'm yelling at her, right? Yeah, let's go.

Speaker 5 I don't want another trial.

Speaker 2 I say. Right, you don't want another trial, right?

Speaker 5 And she's like, but I'm sleeping or whatever she's doing, right? And she waddle, waddle, waddle. She's not wearing the right shoes or her eyes, the sleep in her eyes.

Speaker 5 I mean, it's, it's a fucking, you know, but what you said there, shoes is the best that you've gotten. That's the best thing.

Speaker 5 Didn't I give you a fucking iPad?

Speaker 2 You had an iPad?

Speaker 6 Oh, but you didn't give that. It was like a game.
And then I picked the iPad.

Speaker 2 But I bought the iPad, right? Yeah.

Speaker 5 And you picked it out of the fucking thing right so so so he gave you an iPad yeah so that's wait no no no no so shoes

Speaker 2 are better than an iPad no I forgot about the iPad did I ever let me ask you let me ask you this you fucking little one did I ever buy you a computer oh yeah oh my god you got an iPad and a computer which also is a computer yeah but I bought them both I bought you a computer no yeah what kind a couple of thousand dollar computer um MacBook Pro.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Do you know anybody else you're raising as a MacBook?

Speaker 2 You know, I didn't get a MacBook Pro until I was in my 30s.

Speaker 2 Yeah. She has no idea.
Is it an iPad Pro?

Speaker 6 No, it's a mini iPad.

Speaker 5 Oh, those are cool. Yeah, so I got a mini iPad, and I also got

Speaker 2 a computer.

Speaker 5 Did I get it for you for Christmas or your birthday?

Speaker 2 The computer? Yeah.

Speaker 6 No, it was the first time I got here.

Speaker 6 And then you gave it to me because I was taking care of Julio.

Speaker 5 Yes, so basically, I gave you a fucking computer just for funsies.

Speaker 2 For funsies. You know? You got a funsies computer.

Speaker 2 And yet, okay, I get it. Wow.
Yeah. And I'm grateful.
And so I said, what's your favorite gift? And you said

Speaker 2 shoes. Right.
It says a lot.

Speaker 5 It says so much, dude. It breaks my heart.

Speaker 2 What's your favorite gift that you've ever gotten?

Speaker 5 Oh, I've gotten some good ones.

Speaker 5 Or what's your favorite gift?

Speaker 2 It's not really that funny, but what have you given that you love?

Speaker 5 I give what, I don't give what they desire. I give what the most expensive thing is.

Speaker 2 Like, what do you give your mom?

Speaker 5 Like, I got my mom a house.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's amazing.

Speaker 2 I got her a house. You bought her a house in Arizona.
Yeah, her house is. Yeah.
It's your house.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I paid the mortgage.

Speaker 5 So Merry Christmas. Here's the mortgage.

Speaker 2 When she dies, it's your house again. Yeah.
So you have two houses.

Speaker 5 I actually have more.

Speaker 2 How many houses do you have, Bob?

Speaker 5 I own an apartment complex, too.

Speaker 2 Where?

Speaker 5 In Marina Del Rey area.

Speaker 2 do you really yep I don't want to talk about it we're talking about it what happened you're under your right eye

Speaker 2 there's a cut

Speaker 2 what is that from

Speaker 5 let's talk about it it's a sad story well I'd love to hear it it's not exciting it's not podcast fodder hey make it up

Speaker 2 oh

Speaker 2 a tarantula a tarantula yeah

Speaker 5 tried to have sex with your eye tarantula farm

Speaker 5 underneath the house it's not ours it was there before ours And we didn't know.

Speaker 2 Oh, really?

Speaker 5 We didn't know there was a tarantula farm downstairs. Underneath the house, I mean.

Speaker 2 What really happened?

Speaker 5 Okay, so

Speaker 5 you know that we're fostering animals. Yes.
A puppy. Yeah.
Her name was Sora.

Speaker 5 And when Sora sees me, she gets so excited that what does she do when she sees me?

Speaker 2 She pees. She pees.
Coddling. Yes.
She loves it. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 5 She doesn't pee really when she sees the other ones. Only me.
Yeah. Which means I'm a beast master.

Speaker 2 I pee sometimes when I see you. I know you do.
I get excited. Yeah, no, Ronika, I get excited.
I go, bubbles here.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 So I went in, you know, Sora stays in Juliana's room, and

Speaker 5 I visit every once in a while. Yeah.
And I came in, and she went wild, and I laid down on my back, and she did that to my face.

Speaker 2 Oh, she clawed at you?

Speaker 5 She bit it. Oh, she that was her mouth? She was biting, and then one of her teeth scraped it like that.
Yeah, yeah. And it was bleeding pretty bad, but I forgave her.

Speaker 2 What do you do? Do you discipline or no?

Speaker 5 Yeah, I just gave her one right back.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you bite her back.

Speaker 5 No, there's a scar right on Sora's face like this. You bite them back? I didn't with a nail.
I just went like that.

Speaker 5 So it's precise. But today,

Speaker 5 we did something very sad. We gave Sora a home.
So

Speaker 5 we went to a house and there was a white couple. Apparently, one of them works at Netflix.

Speaker 2 And they're... Oh.
Oh, shit. Are you okay? What was that?

Speaker 5 I don't know. Something came up.

Speaker 2 Wait, so the white folks and they took the money.

Speaker 5 So they were on the lawn. We showed up.
They were leaving. You know what I mean? To make it seem like they weren't serial killers.

Speaker 2 Did they know who you were?

Speaker 5 I don't think so. And

Speaker 5 we gave the dog.

Speaker 5 And then.

Speaker 2 Rudy cried. She started crying.
Rude.

Speaker 2 It hurt, huh? Yeah. What did you say? Did you say goodbye?

Speaker 6 Yeah, I gave her kisses.

Speaker 2 What did you say to her? Did you say something? Did you say, I love you forever and always, and we'll be reunited one day?

Speaker 6 No, I just said bye, Sora, and I love you.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 it's cute, but it's a little, that's a little, that's it, huh? Yeah, goodbye, I love you.

Speaker 5 I was telling her, I go, I don't want to do this anymore, yeah, because giving away the dog is tough.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't want, look at her, she's emotional now. Oh, yeah,

Speaker 2 I don't want to do this anymore because

Speaker 5 it's you know,

Speaker 5 it's not only I think because Kalila's like,

Speaker 5 we're helping a dog, you know what I mean? You know, kicking, you know, in trouble, You're doing the right thing.

Speaker 2 You're doing the right thing. Yeah.

Speaker 5 But what I think it does, though, is, yeah, we're doing the right thing, but I think there's some scarring when it comes to the dog.

Speaker 5 I think the dog goes, hey, I love this house.

Speaker 5 I love these Asians. Yeah.
You know what I mean? They're feeding me nice clothing. And they're with me 20.

Speaker 2 They're feeding you nice clothing.

Speaker 2 Food, I mean.

Speaker 5 I just woke up from a nap.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 I'm not fully there. It's okay.

Speaker 2 So what? Yeah. And you think it's hurting the dog? That's interesting.
It might.

Speaker 5 And I think the dog kind of just walks around going, oh, I'm in this new house, but where's mom?

Speaker 2 Where's mom and dad? Yeah. Where's mom, dad, and the little one?

Speaker 5 The little one, yeah.

Speaker 2 And Rudy, I'm sorry.

Speaker 5 And I just think that it's, yeah, she's not. And this is scarring for all of us.

Speaker 2 Well, here, let me put it like this. I think maybe it does something better for the humans than it does for the dog.
The dog might be confused for a little while and they get its bearings again.

Speaker 2 But like for Rudy, I think it's a good thing because then it teaches you lessons of life, right?

Speaker 5 What lessons?

Speaker 2 That things are going to come and go in your life. Nothing lasts forever.
That's going to happen with relationships, both friendships, you know?

Speaker 5 Yeah, but usually when that happens, it's like either

Speaker 5 like relationships, usually when those end, you're glad.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no, no. Sometimes you just, as you've gotten older, something she will learn, your friendship circle sort of changes, right?

Speaker 2 And over the years, like people come and they go, and you don't see people as much.

Speaker 5 Yeah, but death is the only thing that's, I think, equivalent to what we went through.

Speaker 2 No, because you can still go take her back.

Speaker 2 Steal it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why wouldn't you just go steal it back? Yeah, yeah. If you really missed it, I would steal it back.
Yeah. By the way, that'd be a great heist movie.

Speaker 2 Going back to get the dog that you gave away for adoption. Yeah.
That's hilarious.

Speaker 5 That's a fun movie. That would be really fun.

Speaker 2 Yeah. To watch Rudy sneak back in and steal it.
You know where they live. Let's go get it.

Speaker 5 Yeah, but the dog would have to be in peril.

Speaker 2 You mean you'd have to be sad and gross what they're going through.

Speaker 5 Yeah, like they have to be in a well, like in a Buffalo, like Buffalo Bill's dog. Oh, man you know what i mean yeah like just on top of a you know i mean well barking at a scared fat lady

Speaker 5 remember the scared fat lady that's under you know in the well yeah you know i mean and then she tricked her with the bone so sad that was a good trick though it was a good trick when she was doing that i was like in the theater going yeah yeah yeah get in there what is it weird it was weird because you were rooting for her to hurt that dog in the movie but that dog didn't do shit For some reason, you were like wanted it.

Speaker 2 I don't know why I wanted it to happen.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah, because I love dogs, but in that specific, it's like because it was Buffalo Bill's dog, right? In Silence of the Lambs, that you wanted it to get hurt.

Speaker 2 But the dog didn't do anything wrong.

Speaker 5 I know, he was just being playful, like, is that white lady?

Speaker 2 Hey! You know what I mean?

Speaker 5 Like, it's just being joyful.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 But she's like, no, I'm going to take this, you know, pail or whatever, stick a fucking chicken bone to it. And then she did it.

Speaker 2 Jerk it down, yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah, it broke its leg, I think. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Sanitana.

Speaker 5 Like, yeah, that little fucked that dog, but that dog didn't do shit.

Speaker 2 That dog didn't do nothing. Yeah.
I think you can't do adoption anymore. I think that's going to hurt Rudy too much.
She's already scarred.

Speaker 5 It hurts me. I just don't cry.

Speaker 2 You don't know how to cry at all?

Speaker 5 I had to go, you know, I told you that when my dad died, I didn't cry. Yeah.
Yeah, so I had to cry when I had to go to a therapy. Like, I had to go to Arizona to an institution

Speaker 2 for me to cry. Yeah.

Speaker 5 So it's like, I don't really, I cry like that Disney movie. What was that Disney movie about the dog? Mulan.

Speaker 2 The dog?

Speaker 5 With Wilm Dafoe in it?

Speaker 2 The Way Home or whatever?

Speaker 5 What was it called? The dog's name was Norbit or something.

Speaker 2 Or Taro or Tarot. Tarot? Tarot.
Tarot. Tarot.
Is it Tarot?

Speaker 5 I think.

Speaker 2 Tarot is a fruit. Yeah, it's delicious.

Speaker 2 Wait, was that the movie? That was the dog movie. Taro, yeah.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I cried hard

Speaker 2 in that, yeah.

Speaker 5 And there was a couple of instances in Queen's Gambit where I kind of teared up a little bit.

Speaker 2 It got me a little emotional. Togo.
Togo. Togo.
Togo. Togo.
Togo.

Speaker 5 Togo was good.

Speaker 2 By the way, one of my college buddies used to sell weed out of the drive-thru window window at Togo's. The sandwich? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that reminded me.

Speaker 2 I cried so hard, and I'll do it every single time at the first vignette of Up. You know, the vignette before Up?

Speaker 5 Oh, dude, I can't even watch that vignette.

Speaker 2 Balling.

Speaker 5 It makes me so emotional.

Speaker 2 Bawling. Yeah.

Speaker 5 They should end the movie there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that was the best part. Yeah, yeah.
That was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

Speaker 5 Because whatever happens after that, right, his life might get a little, that little fat gook. Was that little fat gook? Yeah.
Was a fat gook?

Speaker 5 A little fat, chubby fucking fat.

Speaker 2 They don't ever say

Speaker 2 what it was, the kid.

Speaker 5 He was a little fat, China fat.

Speaker 5 That's what he was.

Speaker 5 And he was like constantly in the Boy Scout.

Speaker 2 He was a Boy Scouts. He was a Boy Scout, right?

Speaker 5 There are no fat

Speaker 5 China fats.

Speaker 2 You're saying there's no fat Chinese people?

Speaker 5 In the Boy Scouts? No.

Speaker 5 There's got to be. I've never seen any fat China China in a fucking.

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Speaker 2 Andres, what's up, Papa?

Speaker 3 Oh, I was just saying that since you guys are in this holiday spirit, maybe it's time to do Secret Santa.

Speaker 2 Oh, Secret Santa? Santa didn't bring a gift. What do you mean? What?

Speaker 5 For Secret Santa, I had to get put a.

Speaker 2 We all brought a gift for Secret Santa.

Speaker 2 What are you doing? We agreed to do Secret Santa. Didn't you bring a gift?

Speaker 5 No one told me about George. You never told me about Secret Santa.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? We picked names live on the air. I have proof.

Speaker 5 Did you get one?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, what are you talking about?

Speaker 2 We just picked the names. We just did it.

Speaker 5 I never.

Speaker 5 I hope I'm not Bobby's. I never got a gift.

Speaker 2 George, thank you, Andres.

Speaker 5 I forgot what even name I got.

Speaker 2 Andres, I got your gift. Oh, awesome.

Speaker 2 Come here, this is for Andres. What? It's under here.
Where is it?

Speaker 5 Let me see it.

Speaker 6 This is yours.

Speaker 5 So you got a gift from me? I never saw you bring anything to the fucking car.

Speaker 6 No, but I delivered it to George's house so that you won't see it.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute. Wait, are you lying? I'm not.
No, we all got gifts. Why didn't you?

Speaker 2 Who's yours? I don't even remember. Bobby, who's yours? I swear to God, I don't remember.
Bobby, who's yours? I swear to God, I don't know. Well, I'm giving a gift to Andres.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And Rudy's got one for you.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then George. Yeah.
So who do you think yours is?

Speaker 5 Yours.

Speaker 2 And what did you get me?

Speaker 5 Merry Christmas.

Speaker 2 You didn't get me a secret Santa gift. I forgot.

Speaker 5 I just totally forgot. I totally forgot.

Speaker 2 I forgot. And then you get a gift? Yeah.

Speaker 5 Before I open it, what is it? Open it. No, tell me what it is.

Speaker 2 I know what it is. Tell me what it is.

Speaker 2 I don't want to say it.

Speaker 2 Tell me what it is.

Speaker 6 Chicken hot pies.

Speaker 5 Chicken pot pies?

Speaker 2 Chicken hot pie?

Speaker 2 Chicken pot pie.

Speaker 5 Oh, you got it from uh

Speaker 2 yeah, congratulations. That's really nice.
Cool.

Speaker 2 You so you're so annoying.

Speaker 2 George, make sure the are those frozen? No, no.

Speaker 2 No, it's still frozen. It's corrosive.
Alright, I'm sorry. I forgot.

Speaker 5 I forgot about it.

Speaker 5 If I would have remembered, I would have gotten you something great.

Speaker 2 We pulled the names literally like four days ago.

Speaker 5 I don't know shit. I don't know what's going on.

Speaker 2 Who did you pull? I think it was you. You know it was me.

Speaker 2 I don't remember.

Speaker 5 But I think it was you.

Speaker 5 George, you should have fucking reminded me.

Speaker 2 No, that's not his fault. We just pulled the name.

Speaker 5 George, you should remind me.

Speaker 5 I didn't know you had an angry. If you had had me, it would have been fine.
No, no, no, no, come here. come in here for a second.
I'm sorry. Just back up for a second.
Hold on, just take a look at it.

Speaker 2 Hold in here for a second. Hey, Andres, where's the video?

Speaker 2 Let me send it to you.

Speaker 5 Just stay right there.

Speaker 2 Send it to my email.

Speaker 5 Okay, you know, all right, that I'm forgetful about things, right? Yeah. You know, you also knew, right, that I would, you also knew.

Speaker 5 I know, but you also knew that I wouldn't forget.

Speaker 5 Well, there's a chance of that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So the reason why you didn't tell me because you wanted the drama that, you know what I mean,

Speaker 5 of me shit.

Speaker 5 It doesn't matter. You should just remind me, whoever your person is, you should get the gift.
You should have reminded me.

Speaker 2 No one else needed a reminder.

Speaker 5 I don't know when my... Dude, I just...

Speaker 5 Yeah, because I know what Christmas is on the 25th. I know that.

Speaker 5 Right? So my point is, is this.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 5 My point is, is that, no, I'm being real.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 5 My point is this, okay?

Speaker 5 I don't know. I forget about the little things that we do here.
First of all, I was so enraged by the trial.

Speaker 5 Did we pull it before the trial?

Speaker 2 Just after. Right after, literally right after the trial.

Speaker 5 But I was still in my emotional distress over the trial, right?

Speaker 2 You were?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You were emotionally distressed from the trial that we did on YouTube?

Speaker 5 Yeah. So my point is, is that you knew I wouldn't show up here with a fucking gift.
You knew that this would cause some sort of drama between me and Andrew. And I know that it's my fault.
I'm sorry.

Speaker 5 It's my fault, and I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 Thanks.

Speaker 5 All right, but I gave you the $4,

Speaker 5 and you fucking flicked it, and that's fucking rude.

Speaker 2 You really? $4? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Thank you, Andrew. This is a really nice gift.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 6 You're welcome. Thank you, George.
I really love it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm like heartbroken now.

Speaker 2 It was so good. Well, everyone show their gift and show what they got.
What did you get, Andres?

Speaker 3 I got a bunch of film books. Really nice.

Speaker 2 What did you get, Rudy?

Speaker 6 I got a keychain and this.

Speaker 2 That's all. awesome.
What is that?

Speaker 6 It's Inosoke from a favorite series I watched.

Speaker 2 Inosoke? Yeah. What does Inosoke mean?

Speaker 6 I don't know, but it's his name.

Speaker 2 Inosoke. It's a pig person.
It's a pig person?

Speaker 6 No, he wears a pig head. Like, he chopped.
He killed a pig and then he wears it.

Speaker 10 That's what she's into.

Speaker 2 And then, George, what did you get?

Speaker 10 I got my favorite Japanese notebooks, and I don't know what this is. It's probably a pen from the context, but it's really hard to open.

Speaker 2 Are you going to love your pot pies?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 I love pot pies. It's really thoughtful, thank you.

Speaker 2 It is thoughtful. Yeah.
And I'm happy you thought of me.

Speaker 5 Why didn't you remind me?

Speaker 6 I thought you knew. Because you were buying gifts.

Speaker 2 No, no, no.

Speaker 2 Were you online buying gifts?

Speaker 5 Yesterday.

Speaker 2 And so you didn't think about this.

Speaker 5 This shows how crazy this is.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Yesterday, right, I didn't even get Kalila anything.

Speaker 2 Who'd you buy gifts for?

Speaker 5 That's right. So yesterday, I wake up.
I'm like, should I play,

Speaker 5 let me talk this through. Okay.
I wake up and I go, let me just, should I play Ground War on Warzone?

Speaker 2 What am I going to do today, you know?

Speaker 2 I understand. I'll just grab some coffee.

Speaker 5 I grab some coffee.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 And then Kalila goes, what'd you get so-and-so for this other thing that we have to do next week for the family? Sure. I go, what's next week?

Speaker 5 And she goes, it's Christmas.

Speaker 2 I go, it is?

Speaker 2 That's what I, it is? Yeah,

Speaker 2 December. I go, oh, fuck, it is.
Right.

Speaker 5 And then I'm thinking,

Speaker 2 what did I get Kalila? Nothing.

Speaker 5 Right? So then I'm thinking, I got to get this guy that's on the, you know, that I fucking drew.

Speaker 5 I don't want to see what it is. And then while I was doing that, I go, I might as well just buy a bunch of shit for Kalilo right now.

Speaker 2 Right. So the guy, but the guy who you drew, the guy's name that you drew, do you remember drawing my name out of the thing for our side?

Speaker 5 Yeah, because Kalila reminded me, I would have completely forgotten about it.

Speaker 2 But you did, but you do remember the moment you drew his name. No, I don't.

Speaker 5 I don't even know. I go, who's my guy? You told me it was so hard.

Speaker 2 Do you remember the moment you drew my name out of our? I don't remember. Let's take a look.

Speaker 2 Fuck, man.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we'll do Secret Santa. Let's do this.
Yeah. Well, here,

Speaker 2 we're doing Secret Santa this year.

Speaker 2 Bobby's first. Who'd you pull? Let's look at Bobby's eyes.

Speaker 2 Don't tell anybody.

Speaker 2 Literally looks right at me. Twice.
Three times.

Speaker 2 Four times.

Speaker 2 Five times.

Speaker 2 You're a center. Look at it.

Speaker 2 Why? That's how you most get lost.

Speaker 2 Look at how many. Did you see how many times Bobby looks me in the face? Look at this.
Let's watch it again.

Speaker 2 Right as Bobby pulls it. Look at this.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we'll do Secret Santa. Let's do this.
We'll do Secret Santa. Here,

Speaker 2 we're doing Secret Santa this year.

Speaker 5 Right here, right now. I'm okay.

Speaker 2 Look at Bobby's eyes. Ready?

Speaker 2 One. Don't tell anybody.
Two, three,

Speaker 2 four,

Speaker 2 five,

Speaker 2 six.

Speaker 2 You know that? Put your results, buddy.

Speaker 2 Why? That's how you know it's good luck.

Speaker 5 In my culture, we put it in Red Bill.

Speaker 2 Put it in Red Bull. Red Bill?

Speaker 5 So here's the deal. Yeah, I remember putting it in the Red Bull.

Speaker 2 You do.

Speaker 2 So, Bobby, we knew that you were never going to remember.

Speaker 5 Thank you.

Speaker 2 So every name inside of the cup had my name on it.

Speaker 2 So on purpose, we devised this plan. Are you being real? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Every name inside of the cup. Let me finish.
Every name inside of there had Andrew written on it because we knew Bobby's never going to remember. In fact, I said to George.

Speaker 2 I said to George, I said to George, George. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 What if he remembers? And George goes, oh, he won't remember. And sure enough.

Speaker 2 You didn't remember. I didn't remember.
So not only did none of us, those gifts are all arranged by George. Thank you, George.
You did a great job. and on drinks.

Speaker 10 And on December, she never got chicken pop.

Speaker 5 No, she didn't.

Speaker 2 No. Yeah.
George got it.

Speaker 5 No, when you made up that you were shipped to George, did you make that up on the spot?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was good.

Speaker 5 That was a very good improv. She really did kill it.
You did very well.

Speaker 2 That's how well we knew you weren't going to get me a gift. So George put my name on everyone's paper.

Speaker 5 It's so good.

Speaker 2 It worked. It was really working.

Speaker 2 It did work. Wow.

Speaker 5 And

Speaker 5 I was feeling pretty bad.

Speaker 5 And you should have seen what you were going to get.

Speaker 2 What was I going to get?

Speaker 5 Because when I fuck up like that, I double down.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 So you would have gotten something great.

Speaker 2 I don't need anything from you.

Speaker 2 Just your life.

Speaker 5 That was really a good trick. Oh, God.
I was so scared. So that's why George didn't remind me because it was that serious, George would have reminded me.
100%.

Speaker 2 He knew. George knows better to remind you when real life happens.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5 Okay, good. Thank God.

Speaker 2 Well, fuck you.

Speaker 2 Merry Christmas. I want to show you one thing, by the way.
There's a famous

Speaker 2 guy, Alex Tonello. This guy pointed this out to me.
You know, Run DMC's Christmas and Hollis Queens.

Speaker 2 Do you know that song?

Speaker 2 Christmas and Hollis Queens. You never heard that song?

Speaker 2 Well, we can't play it because we'll get sued. But I want to show you something.
You are in this music video.

Speaker 5 I get what you're saying because there's a little photo that says

Speaker 5 Bobby Lee on it.

Speaker 5 I've been getting tweets about it for the last 10 years.

Speaker 2 It's insane. I've never seen this.
Look at that. There's Bobby Lee.

Speaker 5 Just because my name shows up.

Speaker 2 But it said you were nice.

Speaker 2 That's you. Yeah.
Bobby Lee, Hong Kong.

Speaker 2 Naughty or nice. Yeah.
Bobby Lee, Hong Kong.

Speaker 10 But nice.

Speaker 5 Yeah, but if I looked that cute, I would have been a comedian.

Speaker 2 That kid, obviously, by the way. That's cute.
That kid is. So, because that says Bobby Lee, Hong Kong.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Does that kid look like he's from Hong Kong?

Speaker 5 He could be from Hong Kong, yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Let me see another frame of it real fast.

Speaker 2 He looks like a Hong Kong kid?

Speaker 5 Who fucking, dude? Listen to me.

Speaker 2 Everybody knows what a Hong Kong kid looks like. No, no, no.
When I'm on a plane. You just talked about him before.

Speaker 5 Jules,

Speaker 2 if you're on a plane,

Speaker 5 you sit by an Asian person, do you immediately know where they're fucking from?

Speaker 5 No. Exactly.
It's very difficult.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah. You can't tell?

Speaker 5 I can't see a Japanese guy.

Speaker 5 Sometimes Japanese I can get, but sometimes I'm wrong. I go, hey, Japanese.
They go, oh,

Speaker 2 Cambodian. And then you're like, oh, fuck, my bad.
Well, maybe we should have you guys start to wear something that identifies.

Speaker 5 The reason why we shouldn't do that, because it doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 It does. Where we're from.
Well, we want to know which ones are the good ones and the bad. No, no, no.

Speaker 5 Every place has good ones and bad ones.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Yeah, dude.
I think some are bad and some are good.

Speaker 2 Japanese, good. Korean, bad.

Speaker 5 No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. There's a lot of great...
Like, I just saw something right now, A bunch of fucking South Koreans. What they do is they go to this river by the DMZ, the line.

Speaker 2 By the TMZ?

Speaker 5 The DMZ. Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 The line. The demilitarized zone.
Exactly.

Speaker 5 And what they do is they either put rice.

Speaker 5 Check this out.

Speaker 2 I'm not kidding. No, I know what you said.
Check this out. Check this out.
Check this out.

Speaker 5 They put rice inside, like, bottle of water.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 They take the water out. And then little messages like money, or they'll put like your little

Speaker 5 USB like memory chips in there so that people can

Speaker 5 because they can see news and stuff like that yeah news and they put it in the river so that it drifts and maybe lands on the other side or they'll take balloons and they'll put different things you know I mean like messages and stuff and they'll float it over the thing and so that the North Koreans can get some stuff that's incredible right but then that South Koreans just illegalized it why because they were like because this is what happened was they were they're afraid of a war no South Koreans were like drawing pictures of like Kim Jong-un

Speaker 5 like as a fat, crazy monster.

Speaker 2 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 5 They're afraid of a war. Right.
And so that, and then I guess they're getting annoyed by it.

Speaker 5 Because now all these North Koreans are getting like, you know what I mean, these pictures of Kim Jong-un like eating fucking, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 White people and babies and stuff. You know what I mean?

Speaker 5 So they're like, it's completely illegal, but they've been doing it for years.

Speaker 2 Well, no, South Koreans. So those are good people.
Of course, I know that there's many good. I'm making a joke.
That is incredible that they would do that.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 5 Would you give a fuck?

Speaker 2 Okay, let me tell you something. We live in Los Angeles, right? Let's just say right outside of LA,

Speaker 2 people had to be enslaved, basically. You would feel terrible for them, knowing that they're right next to you and they have to be enslaved

Speaker 2 without any chance of really getting out or having a future. But okay, let's suppose.
If they were right next to you, you'd feel it more.

Speaker 5 I don't know because

Speaker 5 let's suppose it's Mexico. Okay, let's just say Mexico.
Let's say Mexico was an authoritarian country,

Speaker 5 dictator,

Speaker 5 and they were enslaved and a lot of bad shit was going on. And they had no means

Speaker 5 to get any kind of news, you know, and they're getting fed this propaganda from their own country.

Speaker 5 And I don't know if we would go down to

Speaker 5 the border and put up balloons and giving them a- I think citizens would.

Speaker 2 You think so? I think people have good hearts. I think people really care.

Speaker 5 I would do it too.

Speaker 2 What's the nicest thing you've done this year? How about that? Have you done something nice?

Speaker 5 Yeah, but it's not stuff that you would think it was nice.

Speaker 2 Well, tell me what you think is nice.

Speaker 5 Well, there's this comic that I don't really like that much. And I had heard that in the pandemic, he was struggling.
Yeah. So I Venmo'd him just out of the blue $500.

Speaker 2 It's very nice. Why would I not think that's very nice?

Speaker 5 Because I think when I think about it, maybe it was a power play on my part.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're going to use it against him.

Speaker 5 Well, maybe it's something to use against him or to show him, hey, I know, you know what I mean, we're frenemies, right?

Speaker 2 But you're not really enemies.

Speaker 5 Yeah, but we're not like...

Speaker 5 Like, if he called me and goes...

Speaker 2 I think you're inflating it. You think so? I think you're making it out to be a thing that it's not.
The fact that you even did that to him shows how good of a heart you have, that you really do care.

Speaker 5 I did that to like maybe four or five comics. That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 You really care.

Speaker 5 I don't like comics or friends of mine. Struggling.
Struggling, especially talented people. It's, it, you know, it sucks.

Speaker 2 See, that's what I'm saying. So you do care, I guess.
That's a really nice thing. Yeah.

Speaker 8 I am so excited for this spa day.

Speaker 2 Candles lit, music on, hot tub warm and ready.

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Speaker 9 Again, in the middle of my spa day.

Speaker 2 What a wet blanket.

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Speaker 2 Rules and restrictions apply. I adopted three teenagers

Speaker 2 for the holidays. I adopted three teenagers.
Usually it's a family, but we did teenagers this year.

Speaker 5 It's just gross that you would say it out loud. Sometimes when you do a good deed, you should just keep it to yourself.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 5 Because when you announced it.

Speaker 2 It felt really good. I know.

Speaker 5 But when you announced it.

Speaker 2 You announced giving someone $500. You asked me.
Okay.

Speaker 2 You never asked me questions.

Speaker 2 I got to fill it in myself.

Speaker 5 But you hear yourself talking.

Speaker 2 And I gave each of them $10,000.

Speaker 5 See, it's so gross.

Speaker 2 I'm kidding. It was $25.

Speaker 5 No, did you really adopt free teenagers or is it a joke?

Speaker 2 No, we do. Every year we usually do families.
Are they...

Speaker 5 What are they?

Speaker 2 Like, what color are they?

Speaker 2 Yeah. They don't tell you.

Speaker 5 So you don't know their names?

Speaker 2 Mario Lopez.

Speaker 5 No, no. You don't know their names or what they look like?

Speaker 2 No, because they don't want to create...

Speaker 2 They don't want to to create this weird. They tell you their name and they tell you the things they need and then they tell you.

Speaker 5 Yeah, but how do you know it's going to them? That's my problem.

Speaker 2 Because it's a community program that we've worked with in the past.

Speaker 5 Yeah, but still in the past, they probably never told you who they were. What if...

Speaker 2 You mean saying what if these people steal from... Yeah, maybe.

Speaker 5 I always think that

Speaker 5 how do I know that all my money is going to go to them?

Speaker 2 It's going to go to these people. Well, it's gifts.
It's gifts. It's gifts.
It's not physical cash.

Speaker 5 It's gifts. Can't they take the gifts and then sell that shit on Etsy?

Speaker 2 Sure, but if they did that, then they're the ones that are going to burn, burn, not me. You know, like I did the right thing,

Speaker 2 like I did the right thing. What do you want me to do? Right.
You can only do so much.

Speaker 2 When you, it's like saying when somebody gives a dollar to a homeless person, they're like, Yeah, we're spending on drugs. Like, what do you care? It's over.
You did the right thing. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 The rest is out of your control. Right.
But you know what, piss me off today? I read the news that said Bezos, his wife, Mackenzie Bezos, she gave away $4.4 billion.

Speaker 2 And then people were tweeting, like,

Speaker 2 yeah, but she made $26 billion during the the pandemic yeah but it's like yeah but what do you want her to what's when is enough enough like what you're mad that she gave some money what if she gave zero you wouldn't have said anything some people don't say give any that's not

Speaker 2 my point like what do you want her to do okay if you had 4.4 billion dollars if you had 20 billion what would you do

Speaker 2 i'd probably i'd invest as much as i could to know that my kids kids kids would be set up forever

Speaker 2 i would tell my business manager i go how much do i need to put away until everyone in my family all my uncles and aunts and cousins and everybody, everyone in my family, extended family. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Are they good? Yes? Okay. With the rest of it, I'm going to have fun and I'm going to give some of it away.
How much? 20 billion? I'd give away

Speaker 2 a million.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I don't know.
I don't really know. Maybe I'd probably give away $1 billion.
I'd probably give away a little bit of a business.

Speaker 5 If you spend the money for yourself, but you let unfortunate people come party with me? Yeah, come and come along.

Speaker 2 Like I rent a G5 jet and I put a a bunch of homeless guys on it. Yeah, something like that, right? Yeah.

Speaker 5 I got a Playboy boat

Speaker 5 with a bunch of naked ladies, right?

Speaker 2 Homeless, come on on.

Speaker 5 We'll give them a shower, scrub them down, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 And get a nut off.

Speaker 2 Here's some cocaine.

Speaker 2 Whatever. You know what I mean? And then when we're done, when we get back to LA, go back to your fucking.
Get to the hut. Yeah.
You get right to the tent.

Speaker 5 The dungeon, yeah.

Speaker 2 No, I don't know. How much would you would you give away a bunch of money if you got a bunch? If you got that,

Speaker 2 if you, okay, look, if you got like Rogan's deal, if you got a hundred million tomorrow, would you give any of it away to charity?

Speaker 2 Yeah, that silence says everything.

Speaker 5 I'm thinking.

Speaker 2 I know, but to think about it is pretty heavy.

Speaker 5 No, because I don't want to give you a lie. I want to give you an honest answer.
Respect.

Speaker 2 Respect it. I respect that.

Speaker 5 So give me a second.

Speaker 2 I'll go to Rudy right now. Rudy, would you give away any money if you got $100 million? Yeah.
How much?

Speaker 6 $50.

Speaker 2 $50 million.

Speaker 2 You'd give half of what you made?

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 million. That's really generous.
$50 million you'd give away?

Speaker 5 I'd give $5 million.

Speaker 2 Of $100 million. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 No judgment.

Speaker 5 Don't judge me.

Speaker 2 No judgment.

Speaker 5 I have shit to do.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 5 No, I'd probably $20 million.

Speaker 2 That seems fair. Yeah.

Speaker 5 $20 million is good.

Speaker 2 20%. Yeah.

Speaker 5 It seems fair. It seems good.
Okay.

Speaker 2 But where would you give it to?

Speaker 5 No, I would probably do,

Speaker 5 I don't like, you know what breaks my heart is when I see, like, um, young children get cancer.

Speaker 2 It's disgusting. I hate it.

Speaker 5 It's disgusting. So probably something, you know, when it comes to that.

Speaker 2 Like children's hospital or like hope and all that stuff.

Speaker 5 Something like that, yeah. And then I would probably, um, I would probably go to a an island or a place where these brown people come from.
Yeah.

Speaker 5 And I would go I really would, because, and I would probably set up, um,

Speaker 5 you know, two things.

Speaker 5 You know, um hospital? No, not a hospital. Right.

Speaker 2 Um

Speaker 5 because you have a lot of stray dogs. Yeah, we talked about this.
So I would do like a, you know.

Speaker 2 A dog shelter.

Speaker 5 A ranch.

Speaker 5 For stray dogs to just live on. Right on.
And then we could feed them and Jules can take care of it. I'll pay her to do it.
Would you do that? Yeah. If I paid you good money, go, this is your ranch.

Speaker 5 Take care of these dogs. Yeah.
And then I would probably do

Speaker 5 something for like,

Speaker 5 you know what, you know what I feel bad? Dwarves.

Speaker 2 Little people?

Speaker 5 Yeah, but I want them to get the little leg extensions.

Speaker 2 We have a friend, like Brad Williams is a friend.

Speaker 5 He doesn't want it. I've asked him.

Speaker 2 He doesn't want legs?

Speaker 5 No, I go, you want to do the leg extension? He goes, I'm fine, buddy.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? How do you get, what do you mean, leg extension?

Speaker 5 Well, in China, what they do is they operate.

Speaker 5 They kick the bone.

Speaker 2 Shut up. I swear to God, they do.
They build them legs? No.

Speaker 5 See the bone? The leg bone? Yeah. I don't know which one.

Speaker 2 They

Speaker 5 cut it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 And they leave a space. And the bone grows.

Speaker 2 Whoa. Right?

Speaker 5 And it takes like a year, so they can't walk for a year. So a wheelchair.
Yeah, but

Speaker 5 you can gain like five inches.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah. Why don't they just take the legs out and put fake legs in?

Speaker 5 People want their legs, man.

Speaker 2 People do want their legs.

Speaker 5 They like to wiggle their toes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I guess.

Speaker 2 I've never heard of leg extensions. But then their arms are still short.
What do you do with the arms? They look weird. Okay, so yeah.
So just really short. They're horse almost.
They're like T-Rexes.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 But they know what they're going to be for Halloween.

Speaker 2 That's great. That's true.

Speaker 5 But they do do. Look it up.
Leg extensions. Yeah, Chinese leg extensions.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'll look it up right now. Surgery.

Speaker 2 Little person leg extension. Little person leg lengthening.
Yes. Limb lengthening is meant to help little people born with dwarfism.

Speaker 2 The most common form is a chondriplasia, a genetic condition afflicting one in 10,000 newborns. People with a chondroplasia have average-sized heads, torsos, but abnormally shortened.

Speaker 2 The operation just isn't about the physical.

Speaker 2 That's crazy. So this is a real thing.
Dwarves divided over limb lengthening. God, is that a great headline? Yeah.
Say that ten times. Dwarves divide.
Dwarves divided over limb lengthening.

Speaker 2 Dwarves divided. Dwarves divided over limb lengthening.
Dwarves divided over limb lengthening. That's going to be the name of my next album.
Dwarves divided over limb lengthening. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's one.

Speaker 2 Wait, should we call? Let's call Brad and see if he would do it. Should we call him?

Speaker 5 I think that's insulting. I know, but we're talking.
I've got somebody calling me going, hey, you want to get your eyes round?

Speaker 2 Do you, though? No. Why? I'd do it for you.
I don't want it. If I paid for it?

Speaker 5 Would you get your eyes done?

Speaker 2 I'm fine with yeah your eyes are pretty round yeah you don't know she has nice eyes she has nice eyes mine aren't nice they're okay

Speaker 2 they're okay they're fine they're good they're like a they look like a little cave i want to hide out in okay that's good yeah it looks it looks mysterious do you know what i mean yeah that's good let's call brad but you have to tell him because you're the one that came up with this yeah but i can't i don't i can't confront him about it you have to say it first i'll say it but he's gonna be he's i'll do it i'll give a fuck you should i love brad

Speaker 2 well let me say hi first because he'll you Can you hear me? Sure. This? Yeah.

Speaker 12 What's up, man?

Speaker 2 Hey, baby boy, you're on the podcast. You're on Bad Friends.
I just want to give you a heads up. And Bobby wants to ask you something, okay?

Speaker 2 All right. Okay.
What's so funny?

Speaker 12 Well, because

Speaker 12 I know, Bobby, if you have a question, it's not going to be like, hey, I need a new recipe for something.

Speaker 5 Yeah, but I just wanted to call you and say,

Speaker 5 happy holidays. I know your people love it.

Speaker 2 Are you guys working a lot? You guys working a lot?

Speaker 2 Bobby is bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bobby,

Speaker 2 tell him what you taught me. Well, um,

Speaker 5 well, so, um,

Speaker 7 if,

Speaker 2 hi, you good? How's the kid?

Speaker 12 The kid is great, Bobby. How much do you need?

Speaker 2 I don't need money. I don't need money.

Speaker 5 No, because we were talking about, like, um,

Speaker 5 You know how

Speaker 5 you're a. Are you a dwarf?

Speaker 2 We've known him for years. I don't know.

Speaker 5 I don't know what the

Speaker 2 he doesn't understand terminology.

Speaker 2 You know, he's not the smartest man. He just doesn't understand terminology, so he needs to be informed.

Speaker 12 I was going to say, Bobby, have you not seen five minutes of my act?

Speaker 2 I'm pretty sure I cover it.

Speaker 13 I like having fun. I like to party.
I don't know about you, but when I party, I like to drink.

Speaker 13 And one of the main reasons I like to drink is because I never have to pay for it.

Speaker 2 Ever.

Speaker 13 Because everyone wants to know what happens when a dwarf gets drunk.

Speaker 2 Right now you're thinking, like, I wonder what happens. I would really like to know that.

Speaker 13 And I know, it's like me and hot chicks. Me and hot chicks have that thing in common where we walk into the club and everyone just looks at us and goes, we're getting that fucked up tonight.

Speaker 13 I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but I have tall friends, okay? It's not like the midgets get together every Sunday under the tree stump and watch football.

Speaker 2 I ran track in the Special Olympics.

Speaker 13 Now, if you have never seen a midget run, holy shit, you don't know what you're missing out on.

Speaker 13 You want to know what happens when a six-foot-two guy gives a four-foot guy a chest bump, four-foot guy gets a dick in the face.

Speaker 2 That's what happens. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He goes over it.

Speaker 5 Yeah, but because when I see you, I don't see you as anything, you know, I see you as just a comic, my friend.

Speaker 5 I don't treat you differently. We love each other.

Speaker 2 We're brothers. We're brothers.

Speaker 2 I treat you differently, Brad, and you know that.

Speaker 2 I look down on you, and you know it.

Speaker 12 Absolutely.

Speaker 12 No.

Speaker 5 How do you feel about, let's get to the point. How do you feel about, you know, certain dwarves getting this leg lengthening operation, you know, where they separate the bone and the bone grows in?

Speaker 12 Oh, God. No.

Speaker 12 Yeah, I'm not a fan of that.

Speaker 12 It's a surgery that takes like over a year and a half to get done. You separate your bone by millimeters a day, and then overnight it grows back in.

Speaker 12 And the thing is, is

Speaker 12 even when you do it and it's all done, you still look like a dwarf, but just that went into like a tappy stretching machine.

Speaker 2 That's what we said. Yeah, that's what we said.
That's what we said.

Speaker 2 You're just a taller dwarf.

Speaker 12 Yeah. No, well, have you guys heard that now there's actually an injection that you can give to dwarf children?

Speaker 2 What do you mean? What do you mean?

Speaker 12 It's in phase three of trials right now.

Speaker 12 It's a shot and you give it to them and then the

Speaker 12 bad parts of dwarfism kind kind of go away.

Speaker 2 What? Wow. Like, what do you mean? Wait, wait, wait, what do you mean? Like, they can, like, they can like the funny head.

Speaker 2 The wobbly funny head, I like. Brad, Brad, what does that mean? What does that even mean?

Speaker 2 You give it to the kid, and it gets rid of what? Like, like

Speaker 2 internal stuff, like organ stuff?

Speaker 12 They tend to grow more, and some of the health complications that are associated with dwarfism are lessened.

Speaker 2 Wow. Wow.
Holy shit.

Speaker 5 Would you have taken that as a kid?

Speaker 12 No. No.
I don't want to have to write a new hour.

Speaker 5 Because, you know, for me, you know, when I, you know, I used to think to myself, even just

Speaker 5 being Korean and weird looking, I wish that I was Korean and weird looking. And I would go to an all-white high school.

Speaker 5 And I used to think, I wish I was, you know, there was times where I would pray, I wish I was just a white guy, a regular looking white guy, you know what I mean? But

Speaker 5 as you grow in your own skin and

Speaker 5 you

Speaker 5 develop a personality and you have these, you know, you have your own thoughts and ideas about things, and then your self-esteem builds.

Speaker 5 You look in the mirror one day and you go, you know, I'm just perfect the way I am. You know, I would not change.

Speaker 5 No, I think that I'm perfect.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 I'm not. No, no, no.

Speaker 5 Because you're a racist.

Speaker 2 I'm a bigot, not a racist.

Speaker 5 And Brad Williams is perfect the way he is. He is.

Speaker 2 I know. Look, I'm going to agree with you.
You said a great thing. It's true.
When I was a kid, red hair,

Speaker 2 it was so repulsive to me. It was like the most annoying thing on earth.
And I shaved my head.

Speaker 2 I just wanted to not have it anymore.

Speaker 2 And now that I'm older, I look in the mirror and

Speaker 2 I still wish I had normal hair.

Speaker 2 But it's okay. No, you're right.

Speaker 2 You grow into it.

Speaker 12 Andrew, I'd much rather be a dwarf than a redhead.

Speaker 2 Are there any red-headed dwarves?

Speaker 2 Oh, God.

Speaker 2 You guys, there's no way they live past. They got to get taken care of.

Speaker 2 A red-headed dwarf? Yeah. We have to look one up, and we have to get one on this show.

Speaker 5 Yeah, Brad, you know, when you take the injection,

Speaker 5 does that take away your mythological powers?

Speaker 12 Yeah, unfortunately.

Speaker 2 By the way, we have one. Look at this.
Oh, my God. We have one.

Speaker 2 I found a red-headed comedian dwarf.

Speaker 5 I used to open for her. You know that, right?

Speaker 2 Tannalee Davis?

Speaker 5 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 Tanny Davis. Yeah, she's a store girl.
Wait a minute.

Speaker 2 So all this time you guys have known a red-headed dwarf and didn't. Yeah.
This is crazy.

Speaker 5 But you know what?

Speaker 2 what the worst you didn't want to hook me up? No, huh? No,

Speaker 5 no, no She's very funny Brad, but I used to have to open for she used to what she I don't know if she is but she was married to like a six foot eight like giant guy of course right and used to like carry her around like a pocket pussy

Speaker 5 Right, so one time like he wasn't around and she's like bab, you know I mean let's open for me at this casino.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 5 So then I had to like like we our hotel room was on like the third floor and there was like no elevator. So I had to carry her up.

Speaker 5 Fuck. She was heavy, bro.

Speaker 2 Really? Oh my god.

Speaker 5 Dwarves are heavy.

Speaker 2 Well, they're well.

Speaker 12 We're a very dense people.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dense. Brad is bottom heavy because this kid's a tripod.
Do you know about this kid? No kid. I'm not going to get into it, but do you know about Brad? His dick? Seriously, do you know?

Speaker 2 Pretty big.

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 2 Little? No, not. No, pretty big is not.

Speaker 2 Large. Besides this microphone.

Speaker 2 Length and girth.

Speaker 5 Your dick is that big, Brad?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 12 I can't see the microphone. I don't know what you're doing.

Speaker 2 You know what the side these are? You don't know how big these shores are. Look at this.
This is it. It's this.

Speaker 5 Is your dick big, though, Brad? Yep.

Speaker 12 No,

Speaker 12 it just looks big on me.

Speaker 5 No, I tell you. Let me ask you this.
Let me know your dick is bigger than mine.

Speaker 2 Oh, definitely bigger than yours.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you how I knew. Brad and I went golfing one time, and he went to go take a pee because when you're golfing, there's no bathroom, so you just piss outside.

Speaker 2 And he pissed outside, and we had had a couple of drinks, and he came back, and he was a little, little sloppy. And I said, Oh, Brad, you got pissed.

Speaker 2 He shook, you know, when you shake, and he shook, and he got pissed on his pants. And I'm not exaggerating.
The piss shake is about this far out from where it should have been.

Speaker 2 This far out. It was like a foot away from where normal piss would be.
And I was like, Jesus, how do you pee down there?

Speaker 5 When you golfed with Brad, was the golf course, did they have a windmill?

Speaker 2 Brad, go ahead and answer.

Speaker 12 No, we play big boy golf.

Speaker 2 Big boy golf.

Speaker 2 How funny. You know what?

Speaker 2 That joke is okay.

Speaker 5 Yeah, it's fine.

Speaker 2 That joke is okay? Yeah. I mean, it didn't do well, but I know we broke.
I would like to set up right now because there's nothing but love here, and Brad knows we. I love you so much, Brad.

Speaker 2 You know that. And obviously, for the audience, it's all jokes.
This is our friend.

Speaker 2 I do want to set up a match between you and Brad to have a physical altercation of some kind because I cannot wait to watch him beat you.

Speaker 5 No, no, first of all.

Speaker 2 I would bet my bank account.

Speaker 5 Bank account. I was...
Dude, you know I was on the wrestling team, right?

Speaker 2 I would love to watch you fight Brad.

Speaker 5 Boxing?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you got to fight him.

Speaker 5 I would kick his ass.

Speaker 2 Okay, Brad, let's set it up.

Speaker 5 I wouldn't want to, Brad. I would kick the living shit out of you, man.

Speaker 2 You're done, dude. No, no, no.

Speaker 12 No, Andrew, here's the deal: because Bobby just said that he was on the wrestling team, right? Yeah.

Speaker 12 I was also on the wrestling team in college.

Speaker 2 Let's go. Let's

Speaker 2 set it up.

Speaker 12 So we got to do this. So we got to do this.

Speaker 12 Nate Robinson, Jake Paul style.

Speaker 2 We will strike all pay-per-view records.

Speaker 12 And it'll be Bobby Lee against Brad Williams in the ball pit of a Chuck E.

Speaker 2 Cheese. Let's do it.

Speaker 2 Here's what's going to happen, though.

Speaker 2 Brad's going to show up in a trench coat, and he's going to be on my shoulders, and we're going to beat the shit out of you.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Brad, we love you very much.

Speaker 2 Thanks for picking up.

Speaker 2 Merry holidays, baby boy. I love you.
I'll talk to you soon.

Speaker 2 All right, brother. Bye.
Love you guys. Thanks.

Speaker 2 What are you doing?

Speaker 2 What are you doing? Oh, we've got.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Andres got off last time on doing trivia. Yeah.
Where's the fuck? Where's your costume?

Speaker 2 Oh, it was getting hot out there. Oh, it was.
So we've got some trivia. Andres wants us to do trivia.
Yeah. And he's got some trivia lined up like he did last time.

Speaker 5 But I answer questions and I put it on.

Speaker 2 We're going to hit the buzzer because last time the problem was there was no judgment over

Speaker 2 who could buzz in first.

Speaker 2 So now this is everyone's got a buzzer.

Speaker 5 But what's if I get an answer wrong, what happens?

Speaker 2 You get hit. Okay.

Speaker 2 We've got some trivia. So Andres, why don't you set up the rules, set up the Christmas trivia.
I'm excited about it. Okay, so

Speaker 3 the person who gets five questions right wins.

Speaker 2 Five.

Speaker 3 The person who hits the buzzer first will answer the question.

Speaker 3 You guys cannot go over, like in the price is right this time. So if you go over the number, it's what it should have been.

Speaker 2 You go over, it doesn't count, just like the price is right.

Speaker 3 And if you guys fight the judge, you lose that point.

Speaker 2 Okay, go ahead. Oh, so these are just numbers.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 5 Are these questions just all involving numbers?

Speaker 2 No, he's just saying he's setting up the rules in case there is a number question. Go ahead, go ahead.
Because you yelled about it last time. Right.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 5 Okay.

Speaker 5 There's an ABC. Are they multiple choice? No.

Speaker 2 Just listen up.

Speaker 3 No multiple choices here.

Speaker 2 All right, who's going to pay attention to the buzzers?

Speaker 3 I will. Okay.

Speaker 3 In case there is like an arbitration, I'll have a set of eyes here with George called in it.

Speaker 2 Oh, by the way, and if you buzz in prematurely before the question is done, you can't answer. Yeah.
Correct. You have to wait till the question is done being read.

Speaker 3 All right, so first question.

Speaker 3 In the song Frosty the Snowman,

Speaker 3 what made Frosty come to life?

Speaker 2 All right, Andrew.

Speaker 2 Um,

Speaker 2 the uh

Speaker 2 the hat and the scarf. When she put on, she put on the hat and the nose and the eyes and the scarf, and that made him come to life.

Speaker 3 An all-silk hat, correct.

Speaker 2 Yeah, baby.

Speaker 2 Boom! All right, one for one. White people question.
This is weird. You don't know Frosty the snowman?

Speaker 2 Yes. This is a Christmas episode.
What the fuck do you think this is?

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ. I'm going to lose.
Okay.

Speaker 3 Who spies on kids and reports back to Santa?

Speaker 2 Who spies on kids? Yeah. Who spies on kids? Yeah.

Speaker 6 The elves.

Speaker 3 The elf on the shelf. We'll give it to you.
110.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she does get it. She said elf.
It's part of the, you know what I mean?

Speaker 3 What Christmas decoration was originally made from strands of silver?

Speaker 2 I got it.

Speaker 2 Garland?

Speaker 5 The star on the top.

Speaker 2 Ah, no. Strands of silver?

Speaker 2 I just don't got anything I know. Rudy?

Speaker 2 The balls?

Speaker 2 The balls? No.

Speaker 2 You mean the ornaments? Tinsel.

Speaker 2 Tinsel.

Speaker 2 It sounds like a tinsel. Yeah, yeah.
Right. Right.
Yeah, we're dumb.

Speaker 3 Who played George Bailey in the Christmas classic It's a Wonderful Life?

Speaker 3 Fuck, what's his name?

Speaker 2 Bobby? No, that was me. That was you.
Oh, yeah. He doesn't even know.

Speaker 2 It's uh the guy that sounds like that.

Speaker 2 Jimmy.

Speaker 2 His name is

Speaker 2 Time. Time.

Speaker 2 Anyone else? What's his last name? Jim.

Speaker 2 Jimmy.

Speaker 2 Oh, come on, guys.

Speaker 2 Well, I know. We all know who it is.
I just...

Speaker 5 I couldn't get it out.

Speaker 3 Jimmy Stewart.

Speaker 2 Damn it. Jimmy Stewart.
Jimmy Stewart knew that one. But I had everything.
Doesn't the voice count for the count?

Speaker 2 No, it doesn't count. Jimmy Stewart.
Jimmy Stewart. Damn it.

Speaker 3 What Christmas beverage is also known as milk punch?

Speaker 2 Damn it. Bobby? Ecknog.
Yep. Fuck.
Okay.

Speaker 2 One, one, one.

Speaker 3 One of Santa's reindeer shares a name with a famous symbol of Valentine's Day. Which reindeer is that?

Speaker 2 Yes. Cupid.
Yep.

Speaker 2 Correct. Two points.

Speaker 2 So you're the

Speaker 2 poor loser, and it's ugly. Dude, you're the poorest winner.
You're the poorest winner.

Speaker 2 When you win, you rub it in people's face. It's disgusting.
It's disgusting.

Speaker 5 See, when you get gifts, get gifts, you throw it. $3.

Speaker 5 That's fucking... It doesn't matter.
It's with the heart.

Speaker 2 No, it's not.

Speaker 2 You thought not about it at all. Shut up.
Go ahead, George. Andres.

Speaker 3 What Southeast Asian country

Speaker 3 votes the longest holiday season, starting with decorations and carols as early as September, and celebrations that last sometimes until January.

Speaker 2 I was first. Rudy? I was first.
I think Rudy was. Rudy was first.
He's looking. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Rudy. Philippines.
Correct. I swear to God, I was first.
It's only appropriate, though.

Speaker 5 I swear to God, I was throwing it off. She's looking.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 we'll do a replay. Okay.

Speaker 2 2-2-1.

Speaker 3 What Christmas-themed ballet premiere in St. Petersburg, Russia, in 1892?

Speaker 2 We're out. No, I got it.
We both did it before the question's over. We both.
No, we're doing it. He didn't finish the question.

Speaker 2 I already know the answer. We both did.
You can't answer when he's not done.

Speaker 2 you can't do it she's the only one that can try i don't know well then it's i get to do it he doesn't know i get to do it right no yes yes yes yes nutcracker that's insane we said the question doesn't count if we if we buzz in she i misses it yeah i can buzz because she missed it and i just got it the nutcracker two two two go fuck yourself so you're the shittiest you're the shittiest of all

Speaker 2 yeah i know but you're a brat you're a little fucking fat

Speaker 5 angry you get for no fucking reason did you not see me no because you said fuck you to me

Speaker 2 did you say fuck you Fuck you.

Speaker 3 Go ahead, Andrew. Because of this bad behavior, you both get one point taken away from you.
So it's two for Rudy, one, one.

Speaker 2 I hope you like what you did. You did that.
No, you did.

Speaker 2 You could have let go of the first fuck. You said F you to me.

Speaker 5 You could have let that go.

Speaker 2 You didn't have to say it. Idiot.

Speaker 3 That's a warning.

Speaker 2 Okay. So we're gonna lose this fucking candy.
I know.

Speaker 3 What's the best Christmas candy?

Speaker 2 Bobby? No, it was me.

Speaker 2 Candy canes.

Speaker 2 Nope.

Speaker 2 What's the best Christmas? According to who? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Bobby?

Speaker 5 Candy corn.

Speaker 2 Please give me candy corn.

Speaker 2 It's Halloween. I know Halloween.
Rudy?

Speaker 5 I don't know.

Speaker 2 God, if she gets it.

Speaker 2 I'm going to be so pissed off. She doesn't even know.

Speaker 2 Snickers. Snickers.
Yeah, it's Snickers. It's a Snickers, correct?

Speaker 2 One point for Rudy.

Speaker 2 So annoying. That's not it.
No, I'm sure it is. Is it really?

Speaker 3 It is Sneakers.

Speaker 2 They have it written down.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 In Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, what would Mr. Scrooge's first name?

Speaker 2 Okay, Andrew? Ebenezer. Correct.

Speaker 2 Wait, is it 321? Correct.

Speaker 3 What traditional Christmas decoration is actually a parasitic plant?

Speaker 2 I got it.

Speaker 5 You can make any noise. Yeah, it did.

Speaker 2 Yours didn't make any noise.

Speaker 3 Yes, Bobby got it first, but he didn't make any noise. But I saw it.

Speaker 2 So I'm the first. Go ahead.
This will tell. Correct.

Speaker 2 322.

Speaker 3 Which fairy tale inspired the first gingerbread houses?

Speaker 2 Andrew? Hansel and Gretel. Correct.
Fuck yes. 332.

Speaker 5 I'm going to lose it. I don't know much about Christmas.

Speaker 3 What Animated 2004 film is about a train that carries kids to the North Pole on Christmas Eve?

Speaker 2 Andrew?

Speaker 2 Uh, the Polar Express. Correct.

Speaker 5 What is it now?

Speaker 2 342.

Speaker 2 Did you know that answer?

Speaker 6 Yeah, but I forgot the name.

Speaker 2 Step it up. I know.

Speaker 3 What's the most fun Christmas tradition?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Opening presents.

Speaker 2 Incorrect. Rudy?

Speaker 6 Caroling.

Speaker 2 Correct!

Speaker 2 Son of a bitch.

Speaker 5 Just as long as she wins, I'm happy.

Speaker 2 That's what he's doing. Yeah.

Speaker 5 That's all I care.

Speaker 2 4-4-2.

Speaker 3 Where was baby Jesus born?

Speaker 2 I got it. Rudy? I got it.

Speaker 6 Jerusalem.

Speaker 3 No. Bethlehem.

Speaker 2 Correct. He wasn't next.
Yes, I was.

Speaker 2 Yes, I was next. He was next.
I was next.

Speaker 2 Bethlehem.

Speaker 2 Andrea. Oh, Jesus.
Jerusalem.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 Jerusalem.

Speaker 2 It's not wrong. It's not right.
It's not right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Close enough. Jerusalem.

Speaker 5 Because you had more.

Speaker 2 I do. Let's do another one.
I won, but let's do another one.

Speaker 5 No, no, no, no, no, you didn't win.

Speaker 2 It's not over. Yeah, I won five.
Let's do best of ten.

Speaker 3 Who was the star of the Christmas movie Jingle All the Way?

Speaker 2 Andrew?

Speaker 2 Uh

Speaker 2 Tim Allen.

Speaker 2 Incorrect. I don't remember.
I don't. What the fuck is it jingle all the way? It's a movie, I know.
Tim Allen was a Santa Claus.

Speaker 3 It was Arnold.

Speaker 2 Arnold Fortuneager. I remember that.
What's wrong with me?

Speaker 3 Which food do you leave for Santa?

Speaker 2 Go ahead, Rudy. Rudy?

Speaker 6 Cookies and milk.

Speaker 2 Correct.

Speaker 2 He loves when she gets it right.

Speaker 2 Correct. He does a little Spanish.
Correcto.

Speaker 3 Correcto.

Speaker 2 He doesn't do it for us.

Speaker 3 As the clock chimes midnight in the New Year's, a Spanish tradition involves eating 12 of what? One for each time.

Speaker 2 No, can't. Rudy?

Speaker 2 Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Grapes. Correcto.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Don't stop. Stop.
Fuck this game. Hey.
I'm out.

Speaker 5 Why? I don't know anything.

Speaker 3 In the movie Elf.

Speaker 5 It's not in my. It's not.

Speaker 2 In the movie Elf, you know this movie in the Elf.

Speaker 5 Peter Tinklich. He's in it.

Speaker 2 Peter Dinklich.

Speaker 2 Peter Tinklich. You know, he got leg lengthening.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Which country started a tradition of putting up a Christmas tree?

Speaker 3 Yes.

Speaker 2 I'm going to say Canada.

Speaker 3 Nope. Damn.

Speaker 2 Bobby?

Speaker 5 Germany.

Speaker 2 Correct.

Speaker 3 Germany.

Speaker 2 Look at that.

Speaker 2 It's not Germany. Yeah, it is Germany.

Speaker 2 It is Germany.

Speaker 5 Is it really Germany? It is.

Speaker 2 They do have a lot of German terms in Christmas. Sante Klaus.

Speaker 5 You could use any word and put a German accent to it.

Speaker 2 It'll sound like Miseltau.

Speaker 2 No, but they did, but like Sante Klaus, that was like a big...

Speaker 2 I think it was a German thing.

Speaker 2 It is a German thing. It is, right? It isn't.

Speaker 3 Yes. What is the most popular meal for Christmas in Japan?

Speaker 2 yes,

Speaker 6 noodles, no,

Speaker 2 Bobby,

Speaker 5 chicken pot pie,

Speaker 2 no

Speaker 3 sushi, no, KFC fried chicken.

Speaker 2 I knew that they love KFC over there. Have you never known about this? There's more KFC franchises there than anywhere else in the world.
Japanese love KFC.

Speaker 5 Yeah, we turn them into fried chicken in fuck Hiroshima.

Speaker 2 All right, next question. Okay, since

Speaker 3 you guys know a lot about presidents? Which president established Christmas as a national holiday?

Speaker 5 Yes? Teddy Roosevelt.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 3 Yes?

Speaker 2 Eisenhower. No.

Speaker 6 Is it still Lincoln?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 3 It's Ulysses S. Grant.

Speaker 3 How many points does a snow flake traditionally have?

Speaker 2 Andrew?

Speaker 2 Seven.

Speaker 5 No.

Speaker 2 Eight.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 Six. Six.

Speaker 5 Six. Six.

Speaker 3 Rudy, Rudy's catching up.

Speaker 2 Shut up. No, but don't shut up, but keep reading.

Speaker 3 What Bing Crosby's son is the best-selling single ever?

Speaker 2 Bobby?

Speaker 5 Why Christmas?

Speaker 2 Correct. That's good.

Speaker 3 What Christmas movie sequel includes a cameo by Donald Trump?

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 5 What is it?

Speaker 2 It's Home Alone.

Speaker 2 Yes. It's all Lost in New York.
Donald Trump is in Lost in New York, Home Alone. Correct.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he kisses McCullough Culkin on the mouth when he says goodbye. He goes, I gotta go.

Speaker 2 Merry Christmas. Yeah, he kisses him.

Speaker 3 What words follow Saddle Night in the Sun?

Speaker 2 Yes. Holy Night.

Speaker 2 Correct.

Speaker 2 I'm running away with this.

Speaker 3 Miracle on 34th Street.

Speaker 3 is based on What Real Life

Speaker 3 Department Store?

Speaker 3 Yes?

Speaker 2 Macy's. Correct.

Speaker 3 Okay, it looked like, so only one person here enjoys Christmas.

Speaker 2 I love it.

Speaker 3 Okay. I try, Rudy.

Speaker 2 He tried so hard to sabotage us. He took away points from us and everything.

Speaker 2 The Spaniard. You can never trust a Spaniard, dude.
Honestly.

Speaker 5 It's just you're just embedded in like white Midwest ritualistic things like fucking Christmas. I was never exposed to that.
We didn't have a Christmas tree.

Speaker 5 Everything that I learned is through just like glimpses of media, you know?

Speaker 2 Same thing. What do you mean?

Speaker 5 You guys had the Christmas tree and you guys.

Speaker 2 You never had a Christmas tree your whole childhood?

Speaker 5 You guys had.

Speaker 2 Did you have a Christmas tree when you were a kid? Yeah. Yep, I did.
Okay, all right. So she's.

Speaker 5 So what I'm saying, no, my point, though, is that it's just completely unfair because it's a tradition that I didn't grow up with.

Speaker 2 Well, that's you a tradition that you grew up with that I didn't then.

Speaker 5 There is no tradition, alcoholism.

Speaker 2 I did grow up with that, obviously. I know you did.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute. How old were you when you guys finally got a tree?

Speaker 5 I think we got one, but it was never decorated, and it stayed in our living room for like a year and a half because no one would ever. So and then my mom used to put like, it was like a real tree.

Speaker 5 Yeah. And then my mom used to hang clothes on the like the barren branches.

Speaker 2 To dry? Yeah.

Speaker 5 So it became like a drying rack? A drying rack.

Speaker 5 And for like a year and a half, it was just sitting there, you know what I mean, in the living room with like socks and shit drying on it.

Speaker 2 How long did you have the Christmas tree up for?

Speaker 5 For a couple years and then we're like after that we find my dad finally go fuck it. I'm gonna turn it down take it down.
He chopped it down.

Speaker 2 What? Yeah and then we never had one after that. Why? Did you ever get gifts though?

Speaker 5 Yeah my dad would go like Christmas we would sit around we wouldn't have any of the traditional I don't even know what food you would eat but we would sit around and my dad would go here Merry Christmas and he would give you an envelope full of cash and I would go buy weed with it.

Speaker 2 How much money would you get in the envelope? 300 bucks. And he'd be like, That's it.
Merry Christmas. Yeah, Merry Christmas.
No gifts open up in the middle.

Speaker 5 No money. There was no, like, you never had one Merry Christmas.
None of this magical shit that you guys grew up with.

Speaker 5 But when I watch it, when I, like, right now, we have two trees in our house.

Speaker 2 Real or fake? They're real.

Speaker 5 And we went and bought it, you know what I mean? And we went, I picked, we fucking lugged it in the house. Yeah.
And then her and Kalila and Juliana spent all night with all the decorations.

Speaker 5 And then I just sit there and watch, and I go, you know, I want to, I don't want to be like, you know,

Speaker 5 I want to get involved. You know what I mean? The best I can because I just don't, but I don't know much about the culture or the rituals of it.

Speaker 5 So I just kind of like, I do the best I can, but at the end of the day, I'm dead inside when it comes to the holiday season.

Speaker 2 No, you're not. I am.

Speaker 5 I don't care.

Speaker 2 I don't care.

Speaker 5 Okay. You know, so.
When we play games like this,

Speaker 5 I play along and the answers that I have are just out out of just

Speaker 5 stuff that maybe I gathered by listening to a song one day at a mall. Right.
But like nothing that I, you know, I mean, grew up, you know, learning.

Speaker 2 Does it make you Christmas movies?

Speaker 5 I don't, I've never seen any of them.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you have. I haven't.
Have you never seen Miracle on 34th Street?

Speaker 5 I don't even know what it is.

Speaker 2 But some movies fall into the category of Christmas movie, even though they're not. Right.
Like what? Home Alone is a Christmas movie, even though it's... I saw Predator once.

Speaker 2 That's a good Christmas movie.

Speaker 5 Yeah, yeah. Like the first one.

Speaker 2 What about like

Speaker 2 Planes, Strange, and Automobiles?

Speaker 5 Great movie.

Speaker 2 Great movie.

Speaker 5 But that was more of a Thanksgiving movie.

Speaker 2 I think he was home for Christmas.

Speaker 5 Thanksgiving.

Speaker 2 Was it? Yeah. It was.
You know why? Because of the fat lady that was at the go, gobble, gobble. You're right.
Okay, that was. All right, let me think of another Christmas movie.
Die Hard.

Speaker 2 Die Hard was a Christmas movie.

Speaker 5 Die Hard 2.

Speaker 2 No, Die Hard, the Original was a Christmas movie.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I did see that one.

Speaker 5 But you can't learn much from it.

Speaker 5 You learn how how to, like, I mean,

Speaker 5 the only thing I learned from Die Hard about Christmas is you could run on broken glass with bare feet.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You can climb through vents and Nakatome Tower.

Speaker 5 Yeah, I never heard of the term Yippie Kai before.

Speaker 2 Well, no one had. Yeah.
Didn't he make that up on that movie?

Speaker 5 No, I think that's Yippie Kai is an old Western term.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but motherfucker, is it? Yes.

Speaker 5 He combined the two. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He made it. Yippee Kae motherfucker.
Yeah, that's his. But Yippie Kaye is a, yeah, but you love Westerns.
You said you love Westerns. That's like like a situation.

Speaker 5 I know, but I'm just saying, though, that Christmas movie is. And I don't mean to bring anyone down.

Speaker 5 When people are saying Merry Christmas or I've bought gifts from people, I just, my honest feeling about it is that I've never gotten the Christmas spirit, and I wish I could get it, but.

Speaker 2 Maybe you can try this year.

Speaker 5 I fucked it up by one of my best buddies. I couldn't.
You sure did. I couldn't even get you a fucking gift, man.

Speaker 2 You sure did. You know what I mean? Are you going to make up for it at some point? Fuck you.
Thank you.

Speaker 5 That's my. I don't know why I just did that.

Speaker 2 I I know why. Why? Because it's a defense mechanism.
It is. It's sad.
For showing how much you actually love me. I love you.
It's fine. I love you too.
I really do. I love you.

Speaker 2 I know it's the end of the year.

Speaker 2 I want to say how much I love and appreciate you guys. This is the Christmas spirit is giving.
And I want to give you guys

Speaker 2 a little gift. If you, Andres, reach under your seat there and see.
I've left you a little gift under there. Do you see it?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 And George, look under your seat. Did you get it?

Speaker 10 It's incredible.

Speaker 2 You're welcome.

Speaker 5 What is it?

Speaker 2 It's just a little something from me to the crew. Oh, God.

Speaker 10 Wow. I've got a gift to.
What about from Bobby?

Speaker 2 Did you get the guys anything?

Speaker 5 Yeah, but mine is in the mail. You know,

Speaker 5 UPS is backed up right now.

Speaker 2 They are.

Speaker 5 They are. So mine's arriving a little late.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Well, I want to say thank you to all you guys. I also want to say thank you to the fans because we mean it.
We love you guys.

Speaker 2 We're not a year yet, but this has been a fun journey. I I hope everyone has a great holiday.

Speaker 5 You know,

Speaker 5 I mean that

Speaker 5 I have to be honest with you.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 May I please?

Speaker 2 100% Christmas spirit. Spirit.
People are going to be watching this around the fireplace with their families.

Speaker 5 Merry Christmas to you and loved ones, and may you have a jolly time.

Speaker 2 We should also say happy Kwanzaa and

Speaker 2 Honica.

Speaker 5 Wait, J2 Plus is texting me. Hold on.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, that makes more sense.

Speaker 2 He just put it

Speaker 5 I want to say

Speaker 5 that I don't know how long we've been doing this podcast. 45 weeks.
Yeah, but I remember, you know,

Speaker 5 I was thinking about doing one with other people at one point. Yeah.
And I just couldn't get myself to do it. The motivation wasn't there.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 5 And when Andrew came along,

Speaker 5 although my gut said no,

Speaker 5 no, I'm being, this is going to come out good.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 5 My butt said no. And my head said, maybe.

Speaker 5 My heart said yes.

Speaker 5 And I said, you know what? I just for some instinctually, I think this is maybe the way to go. And once we started doing it,

Speaker 5 I

Speaker 5 was grateful for it because

Speaker 5 I don't know if that's love, I don't know if it's hate, but there's something there between us that's bubbling underneath the surface. And we could kill each other,

Speaker 5 but or we could make love. You know, that's the magic of it.
It is, you know. But I'm really,

Speaker 5 really happy that I did it with you.

Speaker 2 I'm happy that I did it with you.

Speaker 5 Okay, so

Speaker 2 happy holidays. Happy holidays.
And your family. And everybody else.

Speaker 2 Thank

Speaker 2 you. Thank you for being a bad friend.