How The Bobo Ruined Christmas!

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Ho, ho, ho.

Hi, boys and girls.

Vengan, vengan.

Les voy a contar una historia de Navidad.

Es time for a Christmas tale.

How the bubble ruined Christmas. It was the day before Christmas right here in L.A.
The people delighted, each in their own way. Faces were smiling.
Stop, stop, stop it. This is terrible.
Andres, they're never going to understand you. You're too fancy, B.
Scoot over, scoot over. Move, fine, move.
It was the day before Christmas. Right here in L.A., the people delighted, each in their own way.
Faces were smiling, and joy filled the air, excited for gifts that they ordered this year. The people in town were filled with glee, all except one.
Who could it be? In the hills of Hollywood, tucked just behind the sign, stood a mountain of boogers, a stockpile of slime. Atop Booger Mountain, overlooking L.A., lived a mean yellow creature in his gross booger cave.
Grumpy and cranky from gaming all night, he peered down on the city. He hated the sight.
He was so sick of Christmas, so tired of it. For 49 years, he dealt with this shit.
The festivities, the songs, they're all just so lame. It's that jerk Santo.
He was to blame. He must ruin Christmas, he thought to himself.
He must ruin Christmas. But how, Bobo? How? He then had an idea so vile and so mean.
He'd give this crap town something special indeed. Quickly he jumped in his ramshackled van.
He raced down to the city with a horrible plan. At every house, pad, and condo on each and every floor the bobo white boogers on gifts at their doors.
When the town folks checked on their presents that night, they were greeted with a disgustingly horrible sight. Quickly, they opened their Santo Claus app to leave their reviews.
Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap. Back on the north side at the Christmas workshop, Santo's business was booming and growing nonstop.
His orders were filled and delivered on time. Suck on it, Bezos.
This holiday's mine. With peace of mind, without disconcert, suddenly his phone rang out.
Red alert! Red alert! Christmas spirit was plummeting as fast as it could. Someone in Hollywood was up to no good.
Santo was enraged. How could this happen? Quickly he dispatched his red elf assassin.
Rudolph the Red Blade boarded a plane. She flew to Los Angeles to investigate.
Down Hollywood Boulevard and all over town, disgusting green boogers were left all around. Rudolph the Ninja leapt through the streets, searching for traces of the boogery fiend.
She found where he lurked, yet he was not there. In the distance she could see the Bobo's green lair.
Of course, Booger Mountain, overlooking L.A., where the mean Bobo lives in his gross booger cave. Rudolph the Ninja snuck in with stealth, where Bobo was playing video games all by himself.

She snuck, and she slunk, and she crept up behind, placed her blade to his throat, grabbed her phone, and she dialed.

FaceTime connected, and Santo saw clear that Bobo was done for. His life will end here.

Wait! Santo cried out to stop Rudy's blade.

He knew something was wrong. Just look at Bobo's face.
With tears in Bobo's eyes, Santo could see. He wasn't mean at all.
He was sad and lonely. Santo's temper and rage was calmed and subdued.
It was a miraculous thing. His tender heart grew.
Release him, said Santo. This Bobo's just sad.
Instead,

we'll give him the best Christmas he's ever had. The Bobo replied, if I could have just one wish,

I've always wanted a friend to play my games with. So upon Christmas morning, to Bobo's delight,

Santo stopped by the booger cave for a video game fight. The Bobo was happy, but Santo was a noob.
Gaming was not something Santo could do. Round one, fight! You win! Perfect! Perfect! Perfect! Round after round, it was much of the same.
Santo got his ass whooped game after game. Santo had had enough, his temper irate.
This brutal assault he could no longer take. That's it, you scumbag! Santo screamed out.
The Bobo just laughed with a hollering shout. Santo's heart shrank down to its regular size.
With a snap of his fingers, the Bobo met his demise.

Rudolph's red blade slashed down with such might.

Merry Christmas, you bastards, and to all a bad night. friends who are these two idiots a white dude and an asian dude you two are disgusting oh you two are something we're bad friends ho ho ho hi bob bobby must move for a mistrial now that trial was an abomination and proved everything wrong with the judicial process in this country bobby must move for a mistrial and demand a proper trial.
The main witness in the case is a presiding judge? Here, the judge happens to be a material witness and cannot testify unless she recuses herself as a presiding judge over this matter. If not, Bobo's motion for a mistrial is deemed granted and new trial must be conducted.
Merry Christmas. I mean, for a week I've been thinking about this.
You've been thinking about the case? Yeah. Anyway, I already lost and I paid.
I'm sorry. Ho, ho, ho.
I'm sorry. Thank you.
Ho, ho, ho. But I want to say this before we even start.
No, we already started because we got that I'm sorry on there. I'm sorry.
But case in point, though, you know, I showed up here right on time. And I had to wait.
You actually showed up five minutes early. Exactly.
But it's now 8.02. Yeah, and we started two minutes ago when you started reading that long thing.
A minute ago. No, we literally started when you started reading that.
Give me a minute minutes. No, it's in it.
One minute. You know what I mean? Ho! Ho! Ho! Give it a hole in me! Happy! Merry, merry! You know, everybody knows.
Merry, merry! Everybody. Merry, merry, merry! Can I just say something about your outfit, though? Yeah, well, I'm Rudolph the Red-osed Reindeer.
The thing is that what I don't get about Rudolph, can I just ask? I don't know much about him. 100%.
I'll tell you everything you need to know. Thank you so much.
So Rudolph was being teased. He was teased and bullied about having this red nose.
And so at night probably Rudolph went to sleep crying a lot. Yeah.
Right? He probably couldn't sleep well because every time he'd close his eyes, the bright shine of the nose probably woke him up. Right.
Right? Imagine that. Yeah.
You're trying to go to sleep, and then all of a sudden, you just see this red glow in your face. Right.
Terrible. That's, yeah.
That's how it is in my house when my wife sleeps. And then he'd wake up, and all the other fucking reindeer would be like, you fucking freak.
Yeah. Look at your nose, you freak.
Yeah. And they'd probably fucking do like dogs do with a fucking uh you know they piss like this on his fucking face yep and then one day it's really snowy out right the blizzard or some shit santa santa is uh he's like scared yeah how am i gonna navigate and then he realizes the freak.
Yeah. Right? Yeah.
Goes, hey, Rudolph the freak, your head. And Rudolph's like, why? Right? Right.
Because if your freak knows. Right.
Right? And Rudolph goes, okay. And he does it.
And then all of a sudden everyone likes him and he's cool. Yeah.
That's fucking a bullshit story. What they don't tell you is.
What? The next day, they still went back to beating the shit out of him.

I know.

They bullied him again.

That's what I always think, that they bullied him afterwards.

Of course they did.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He got his little moment in the sun.

Yeah.

But then after that, it was like, that's it.

Let's beat the shit out of him.

Because, I don't know if you know, but Donner and Vixen, they were in a gang.

It sounds like it.

Yeah.

Donner and Vixen were in a gang.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

They were Crips.

They probably had tattoos on their bellies.

They were Crips.

Thank you. And I was just in Hawaii and I was at an ABC store.
You know what an ABC store is? Yes, I do. They're like their 7-Eleven.
Same thing. Much better.
Cleaner. They're a little bit higher end than our 7-Eleven.
I think it's more like, what would we call it? It's like between CVS and… It's like an upgraded... You know how they started upgrading Starbucks's?

Yeah, it's like that.

It's kind of like that.

It's like a high-end 7-Eleven.

It's a 9-Eleven.

So I was there at 7-Eleven or their ABC store.

Yeah.

And this is like in the beginning of December.

Yeah.

And they start playing Christmas music,

which is always bizarre in Hawaii.

Yeah, well, it feels like here, too.

When you hear it here, you're like,

it doesn't belong. Then they start singing this song.
Get it? Yeah. Frosty, the snowman.
Right? And immediately in my head, Frosty hates Hawaii. You can't stand it.
He would die instantly. Instantaneously.
He'd get off the plane. It'd be Frosty the puddle.
Just his nose and his eyes. He would just be dead.
He hates Hawaii. Who likes Hawaii? None of them.
Santa Claus hates Hawaii. Do you think he passes over? He's going to travel half the Pacific Ocean for 30 kids.
How many kids? How many kids are in Hawaii? 40 tops? Maybe. Imagine Santa Claus, right? He thinks it's his last house in Cleveland.
Right. He's alright, 5 in the morning, right? He just drops it off and an elf calls him.
Mass. Mass.
And Santa's like, yeah, yeah, what? I'm almost done. Hawaii.
Oh, fuck! He's got I mean? He's got to get in it. He probably doesn't have the presents.
Right. He has to look around.
What are they, like coconuts? Coffee. Here you go, kid.
Yeah. Santa Claus hates Hawaii.
Hates him. Yeah.
Does it like Southern California? No, he doesn't. Well, it's in the mainland.
I guess. It's easier.
It's easier to get to. It's easier for him to do it.
Do you think Santa judges the people? He goes, I don't really give better gifts because of this area. I don't like this area.
Probably. Yeah, that's right.
Probably. He sees what, and he goes, I don't like.
He looks, he goes, Albuquerque? Yeah. I don't know.
Rudy, what's the best gift you ever got for Krimis? I don't know. Shoes? Shoes? That's the best that you've gotten.
I gave you shoes. On this show, I gave you shoes.
It's such fucking bullshit what she's saying. And the kind of fucking garbage that comes out of this ungrateful lady's fucking mouth.
Well, hold on. I gave you shoes.
Show your shoes right now because I know what's going on. Lift your feet up to the camera because you have one of ours on that I got you, the sandals I got you.
I'm wearing two different... Yeah, why? I didn't see.
What? What do you mean you didn't see? Because little Bobby was yelling at me to go down. Because you were late again.
Were you late again? No, because I'm late because of her. Yeah, no, I'm saying she was late.
It sounds like that's the truth. That really is the truth.
No, genuinely. So I'm yelling at her, right? Let's go.
I don't want another trial, I say. Right, you don't want another trial.
And she's like, but I'm sleeping, or whatever she's doing, right? And she's not wearing the right shoes, or her eyes, they're sleeping in her eyes. I mean, it's a fucking, you know, but what you said there, shoes is the best thing you've gotten? That's the best thing.
Didn't I give you a fucking iPad? You got an iPad? Oh, but you didn't give that. It was like a game, and then I picked the iPad.
But I bought the iPad, right? Yeah. And you picked it out of the fucking thing, right? So he gave you an iPad.
Yeah. So that's...
Wait. No, no.
So shoes are better than an iPad. No, I forgot about the iPad.
Did I ever... Let me ask you this, you fucking little one.
Did I ever buy you a computer? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God.
You got an iPad and a computer, which also is a computer. Yeah, but I bought you a computer, no? Yeah.
What kind? A couple of thousand dollar computer. A MacBook Pro.
Wow. Yeah.
Do you know anybody else your age that has a MacBook Pro? You know, I didn't get a MacBook Pro until I was in my 30s. Yeah.
She has no idea. Is it an iPad Pro? No, it's a mini iPad.
Oh, those are cool. Yeah, so I got a mini iPad and I also got a computer.
Did I get it for you for Christmas or your birthday? The computer? Yeah. No, it was the first time I got here.
And then you gave it to me because I was taking care of Julio. Yeah, so basically I gave you a fucking computer just for funsies.
For funsies. You know? You got a funsies computer.
Yeah. And yet, okay, I get it.
Wow. Yeah, you're ungrateful.
And so I said, what's your favorite gift? And you said, shoes. Right.
It says a lot. It says so much, dude.
It breaks my heart. what's your favorite gift that you've ever gotten oh i've gotten some good ones um or what's your favorite really that funny but what have you given that that you love i i give what i don't give what they desire i give what the most expensive thing is like what do you give you give your mom? Like, I got my mom a house.

Yeah.

That's amazing.

I got her a house.

You bought her a house in Arizona.

Yeah, her house is, yeah.

It's your house.

Yeah, I paid the mortgage.

I go, Merry Christmas.

Here's the mortgage.

When she dies, it's your house again.

Yeah.

So you have two houses.

I actually have more.

How many houses do you have, Bo?

I own an apartment complex, too.

Where?

In Marina Del Rey area.

Do you really?

Yeah, but I don't want to talk about it.

We're talking about it.

What happened under your right eye?

There's a cut.

What is that from?

Let's talk about it.

It's a sad story.

Well, I'd love to hear it.

It's not exciting.

It's not podcast fodder. make it up oh a tarantula a tarantula yeah we tried to have sex with your eye farm underneath the house it's not ours it was there before ours and we didn't know oh really we didn't know there was a tarantula farm downstairs underneath the house i mean What really happened? Okay, so you know that we're't know.
Oh, really? We didn't know there was a tarantula farm downstairs. Underneath the house, I mean.
What really happened? Okay, so you know that we're fostering animals? Yes. A puppy? Yeah.
Her name was Sora. And when Sora sees me, she gets so excited.
What does she do when she sees me? She pees. She pees.
Coddling, yes. She loves it.
Yeah. Yeah.
She doesn't pee really when she sees the other ones. Only me.
Yeah. Which means I'm a beast master.
I pee sometimes when I see you. I know you do.
I get excited. Yeah.
No. I get excited.
I go, Bobo's here. Yeah.
So I went in. Sora stays in Juliana's room and I visit every once in a while.
Yeah. And I came in, and she went wild.
And I laid down on my back, and she did that to my face. Oh, she clawed at you? She bit it.
Oh, that was her mouth? She was biting, and one of her teeth scraped it like that. Yeah, yeah.
And it was bleeding pretty bad, but I forgave her. What do you do? Did you discipline her or no? Yeah, I just gave her one right back.
Yeah, you bite her back. No, there's a scar right on Sora's face like this.

You bite them back.

I did it with a nail.

I just went like that.

So it's precise.

But today, we did something very sad.

We gave Sora a home.

So we went to a house, and there was a white couple.

Apparently, one of them works at Netflix.

And they're – Oh, shit. Are you okay? What was that? Something came up.
Wait, so the white folks and they took the dog? They were on the lawn. We showed up.
Hey, Bob! To make it seem like they weren't serial killers. Did they know who you were? I don't think so.
And we gave the dog. And then...
Rudy cried. She started crying.
Rude. It hurt, huh? Yeah.
What did you say? Did you say goodbye? Yeah, I gave her kisses. What did you say to her? Did you say something? Did you say, I love you forever and always and we'll be reunited one day? No, I just said, bye, Sora.
And I love you. Aww.
That's cute, but it's a little... That's it, huh? Goodbye, love you.
I was telling her, I go, I don't want to do this anymore. Yeah, because giving away the dog is tough.
Look at her. She's emotional now.
I don't want to do this anymore. Because it's, you know...
It's not only... I think, because Kalilah's like, we're helping a dog.
You know what I mean? We're taking – in trouble. You're doing the right thing.
We're doing the right thing. Yeah.
But what I think it does though is, yeah, we're doing the right thing. But I think there's some scarring when it comes to the dog.
I think the dog goes, hey, I love this house. Yeah.
I love these Asians. Yeah.
They're feeding me nice clothing. They're with me 24- They're feeding you nice clothing? Food, I mean.
I just woke up from a nap. I know.
I'm not fully there. It's okay.
So what? And you think it's hurting the dog. That's interesting.
It might. And I think the dog kind of just walks around going, oh, I'm in this new house, but where's mom?

Where's mom and dad?

Yeah.

Where's mom and dad and the little one?

The little one, yeah.

Rudy, I'm sorry.

And I just think that it's – yeah, she's not.

And this is scarring for all of us.

Well, let me put it like this.

I think maybe it does something better for the humans than it does for the dog.

The dog might be confused for a little while and they get its bearings again. But for Rudy, I think it's a good thing because then it teaches you lessons of life, right? What lessons? That things are going to come and go in your life.
Nothing lasts forever. That's going to happen with relationships, both friendships, you know? Yeah, but usually when that happens, it's like either – like relationships, usually when those end, you're glad.
No, no, no, no, no. Sometimes you just – as you've gotten older, something she will learn, your friendship circle sort of changes, right? And over the years, like people come and they go and you don't see people as much.
Yeah, but death is the only thing that's I think equivalent to what we went through. No, because you could still go take her back.
Steal it? Yeah. Why wouldn't you just go steal it back? Yeah, yeah.
If you really missed it, I would steal it back. Yeah.
By the way, that'd be a great heist movie, going back to get the dog that you gave away for adoption. Yeah.
That's hilarious. Yeah, it's a fun movie.
That would be really fun. Yeah.
To watch Rudy sneak back in and steal it. You know where they live.
Let's go get it. Yeah, but the dog would have to be in peril.
You mean you'd have to be sad and gross what they're going through? Yeah, like they have to be in a well, like in a Buffalo Bill's dog. Oh, man.
You know what I mean? Yeah. Like just on top of a, you know what I mean, well barking at a scared fat lady.
Remember the scared fat lady that's in the well? Yeah. You know what I mean? And then she tricked her with the bone.
So sad. That was a good trick, though.
It was a good trick. When she was doing that, I was like in the theater going, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get in there. What is it? It was weird because you were rooting for her to hurt that dog in the movie, but that dog didn't do shit.
For some reason, you were like wanted it. I don't know why I wanted it to happen.
Yeah, yeah. Because I love dogs.
But in that specific, it's like because it was Buffalo Bill's dog. Right.
In Silence of the Lambs, that you wanted it to get didn't do anything wrong i know he was just being playful like is that white lady hey you know what i mean like it's just being joyful yeah but she's like no i'm gonna take this you know pale or whatever stick a fucking chicken bone to it and then she did it jerk it down and it broke its leg i think yeah yeah sad like yeah that little fuck that dog didn't do shit. That dog didn't do nothing.
Yeah. I think you can't do adoption anymore.
I think that's going to hurt Rudy too much. She's already scarred.
It hurts me. I just don't cry.
You don't know how to cry at all? I had to go, you know, I told you that when my dad didn't cry. Yeah.
Yeah. So I had to cry.
I had to go to a therapy. I had to go to Arizona to an institution for me to cry.

So it's like I don't really – I cry like that Disney movie.

What was that Disney movie about the dog?

Mulan.

The dog?

Did it have Willem Dafoe in it?

The Way Home or whatever?

What was it called?

The dog's name was Norbit or something?

It's like Tarot.

Tarot?

Tarot. Tarot.
Tarot. Is it Tarot? I think.
Taro is a fruit. It's delicious.
Wait, was that the movie? That was the dog movie. Taro, yeah.
Yeah, I cried hard in that. Yeah.
And there was a couple of instances in Queen's Gambit where I kind of teared up a little bit. It got me a little emotional.
Togo. Togo.
Togo. Togo.
Togo was good. By the way, one of my college buddies used to sell weed out of the drive-thru window at Togo's.
The sandwich? Yeah. Yeah, that reminded me.
Yeah. I cried so hard, and I'll do it every single time at the first vignette of Up.
You know, the vignette before Up? Oh, dude, I can't even watch that vignette. Balling.
It makes me so emotional. Balling.
Yeah. They should end the movie there.
Yeah, that was the best part. Yeah, yeah.
That was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Because whatever happens after that, right, his life might get that little fat gook.
Was that little fat gook? Yeah. Was that fat gook? That little fat chubby fucking China fat? They don't ever say what it was, the kid.
He was a little fat China fat. That's what he was.
And he was like constantly in the Boy Scout. He was a Boy Scout, right.
There are no fat Chinese China fats. You're saying there's no fat Chinese people? In the Boy Scouts, no.
There's got to be. I've never seen any fat China China in a fucking...
Hey guys, to keep

on this holiday...

Shut up. We're in a flow, you fuck.

We're in a fucking flow, dude.

You beat the shit out of you, man.

We love fucking Andreas

last episode. Did he get good reviews?

I saw some tweets saying, oh, he was really funny.

He said this one line, so now he's trying to interrupt.

Andreas, what's up, papa?

I was just saying that since you guys are in this holiday spirit, maybe it's time to do Secret Santa. Ooh, Secret Santa.
I didn't bring a gift. What do you mean? What? For Secret Santa, I had to put a...
We all brought a gift for Secret Santa. What are you doing? We agreed to do Secret Santa.
Didn't you bring a gift? No one told me about... George, you never told me about Secret Santa.
What do you mean? We picked names live on the air. I have proof.
Did you get one? Yeah. Yeah, what are you talking about? We just picked the names.
We just did it. I never...
I hope I'm not Bobby's. I never got a gift.
George, thank you, Andres. I forgot what even name I got.
Andres, I got your gift. Oh, awesome.
Come here. This is for Andres.
It's under here. Where is it? Let me see it.
This is yours. So you got a gift from me? I never saw you bring anything into the fucking car.
No, but I delivered it to George's house so that you won't see it.

Wait a minute.

Are you lying?

I'm not.

No, we all got gifts.

Why didn't you?

Who's yours?

I don't even remember.

Bobby, who's yours? I swear to God, I don't remember.

Bobby, who's yours?

I swear to God, I don't remember.

Well, I'm giving a gift to Andres.

Yeah.

And Rudy's got one for you.

Yeah.

And then George. Yeah.
So who do you think yours is? Yours. And what's got one for you.
Yeah. And then George.

Yeah.

So who do you think yours is?

Yours.

And what did you get me?

Merry Christmas.

You didn't get me a secret Santa gift.

I forgot.

I just totally forgot.

I totally forgot.

I forgot.

And then you get a gift?

Yeah.

Before I open it, what is it?

Open it.

No, tell me what it is.

I know what it is.

Tell me what it is.

I don't want to say it.

Yeah, say it.

Tell me what it is.

Chicken hot pies.

Chicken pot pies?

Chicken hot pie.

Chicken pot pie.

Oh, you got it from Old Belly?

Yeah.

Congratulations.

That's really nice.

Cool.

You're so annoying.

Oh my god.

You got really upset.

George, make sure Are those frozen? No. No, it's still frozen.
It's cold. All right, I'm sorry.
I forgot. I forgot about...
If I would have remembered, I would have gotten you something great. We pulled the names literally like four days ago.
I don't know shit. I don't know what's going on.
Who did you pull? I think it was you. You know it was me.
I don't remember. But I think it was you.
George, you should have fucking reminded me. No, that's not his fault.
We just pulled the names. No, George, George, you should remind me.
I didn't know you had an ad room. If you had me, it would have been fine.
No, no, no. Come in here for a second.
I'm sorry. Just back up for a second.
Hold on. Just take a word.
Come in here for a second. Hey, Andres, where's the video? Let me send it to you.
Just stay right there. Send it to my email.
Okay. You know, all right, that I'm forgetful about things, right? Yeah.
You know. You also knew, right, that I would.
You also knew. I'm not on trial.
I know, but you also knew that I wouldn't forget.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So the reason why you didn't tell me because you wanted the drama that, you know what I mean, of me.

I don't know who you have.

It doesn't matter.

You should just remind me whoever your person is, you should get the gift.

You should remind me.

No one else needed a reminder?

I don't know.

I don't know when my – dude, I just –

You have an iPad and I have to remind you to get – Yeah, because I know when Christmas is on the 25th. I know that.
Right? So my point is this. Okay.
My point is this. No, I'm being real.
Okay? Okay. My point is this.
Okay? I don't know. I forget about the little things that we do here.
First of all, I was so enraged by the trial.

Did we pull it before the trial?

Just after.

Right after.

Literally right after the trial.

But I was still in my emotional distress over the trial, right?

You were?

Yeah.

You were emotionally distressed from the trial that we did on here?

Yeah.

So my point is that you knew I wouldn't show up here with a fucking gift.

You knew that this would cause some sort of drama between me and Andrew. And I know that it's my fault.
I'm sorry. It's my fault.
And I'm sorry. Thanks.
All right. But I gave you the $4 and you fucking flicked it.
And that's fucking rude. You really? $4? Yeah.
Thank you, Andrew. This is a really nice gift.
Yeah, yeah. You're welcome.
Thank you, George. I really love it.
Yeah. Ugh.
I'm like heartbroken now. It was like heartbroken now Well everyone show their gift And show what they got What did you get Andres? I got a bunch of film books Really nice What did you get Rudy? I got a keychain and this What is that? It's Inosuke from a favorite series I watch Inososuke? Yeah.
What does Inosuke mean? I don't know, but it's his name. Inosuke.
It's a pig person? No, he wears a pig head. Like he chopped, he killed a pig and then he wears it.
What? That's what she's into. And then George,

what did you get? I got my favorite

Japanese notebooks and I don't know what this

is. It's probably a pen from the context,

but it's really hard to open.

Are you going to love your pot

pies? Yeah.

I love pot pies. It's really thoughtful.

Thank you. It is thoughtful.
Yeah.

And I'm happy you thought of me. Why didn't you remind

me? I thought you knew because is thoughtful. Yeah.
And I'm happy you thought of me. Why didn't you remind me? I thought you knew.
Because you were buying gifts. No, no, no.
Were you online buying gifts? Yesterday. And so you didn't think about this show? This is how crazy this is.
Yeah. Yesterday, right? I didn't even get Kalilah anything.
Who'd you buy gifts for? That's right. So yesterday, I wake up.
I'm like, should I play?

Let me talk

this through. I wake up

and I go, let me just

should I play Ground War on Warzone?

I don't know what I'm going to do today, you know?

That's just the thought of my head. I understand.

I'll just grab some coffee. I'll grab some coffee.

And then Kalani goes, why'd you

get so-and-so for this

other thing that we have to do next week for the family? Sure. I go, what's next week? She goes, it's Christmas.
I go, it is? That's what I – it is? Yeah, so you forgot. It's December.
I go, oh, fuck, it is. Right.
Then I'm thinking, what? I didn't get Kalila nothing. Right? So then I'm thinking, gotta get this guy that's on the that I fucking drew.
I don't want to say what it is. And then while I was doing that I go I might as well just buy a bunch of shit for Kalilah right now.
Right. But the guy who you drew the guy's name that you drew do you remember drawing my name out of the thing for our show? Because Kalilah reminded me I would have completely forgotten about it.
But you do remember the moment you drew his name. No, I don't.
I don't even know. I go, who's my guy? You told me it was so.
Do you remember the moment you drew my name out of ours? I don't remember. Let's take a look.
Fuck, man. Yeah, we'll do Secret Santa.
Let's do this. Yeah.
Well, here. We're doing Secret Santa this year.
Bobby's first. Who'd you pull?

Look at Bobby's eyes.

Don't tell anybody.

Literally looks right at me.

Twice.

Three times.

Four times.

Five times.

Put it in your mouth.

I'm just serious.

Look at it.

Why?

That's how you know it's good luck.

Look at how many.

Did you see how many times Bobby looks me in the face?

Look at this. Let's watch it again.
Right as Bobby pulls it. Look at this.
Yeah, we'll do Secret Santa. Let's do this.
We'll do Secret Santa. Here, we're doing Secret Santa this year.
Right here, right now, I'm still upset about the trial. Okay, look at Bobby's eyes.
Ready? One. Don't tell anybody.
Two. Three.
Four.

Five.

Six. Swallow it.

You know that?

Put it in your mouth.

You're so funny.

Why?

That's how you know it's good luck.

In my culture, we put it in Red Bull.

Put it in Red Bull.

Red Bull?

So here's the deal.

I remember putting it in the Red Bull.

You do.

So Bobby, we knew that you were never going to remember.

Thank you.

So every name inside of the cup had my name on it. So on purpose, we devised this plan.
Are you being real? Yeah. Every name inside of it.
Let me finish. Every name inside of there had Andrew written on it because we knew Bobby's never going to remember.
In fact, I said to George. I said to George

I said to George

George

what if he

what if he remembers and George goes, oh, he won't remember. And sure enough, you didn't remember.
I didn't remember. So not only...
None of us... Those gifts are all arranged by George.
Thank you, George. You did a great job.
And Andres. And Andres.
You never got chicken pop pies. No, she didn't.
George got it. No, when you made up that you were shipped to George, did you make that up on the spot? Yeah, it was good.
That was a very good improv. She really did kill it.
You did very well. That's how well we knew you weren't going to get me a gift.
So we put, George put my name on everyone's paper. It's so good.
It worked. It was really working.
We knew it. It did work.
Wow. work Wow And you made I was feeling pretty bad And you should have seen What you were gonna get What was I gonna get? Because when I fuck up like that I double down Yeah So you would have gotten Something great I don't need anything from you Just your love That was really a good trick Oh god I was so scared So that's why Georgeorge didn't remind me because it was that serious george would have reminded 100 he knew yeah george knows better to remind you with real when real life happens yeah yeah okay good thank god well fuck you i want to show you one thing by the way there's a famous um of uh this guy alex Tonello.
this guy pointed this out to me.

You know Run DMC's Christmas in Hollis Queens?

Do you know that song?

Christmas in Hollis Queens?

You never heard that song?

Well, we can't play it because we'll get sued.

But I want to show you something.

You are in this music video.

I get what you're saying.

Because there's a little photo that says

You've seen this.

Bobby Leona.

I've been getting tweets about it for the last 10 years. It's insane.
I've never seen this. Look at that.
There's Bobby Lee. Just because my name shows up – But it said you were nice.
That's you. Yeah.
Bobby Lee, Hong Kong. Nice.
Naughty or nice. Yeah.
Bobby Lee, Hong Kong. Yeah, but – Nice.
Yeah, but if I looked that cute, I would have been a comedian That kid obviously by the way That kid So cause that says Bobby Lee Hong Kong Yeah Is that Does that kid look like he's from Hong Kong He could be from Hong Kong yeah I don't know Let's Let me see another frame of it Real fast He looks like a a Hong Kong kid. I, who fucking, dude, listen to me.
Everybody knows what a Hong Kong kid looks like. No, no.
When I'm on a. You just talked about him before.
Jules, if you're on a plane. Yeah.
You sit by an Asian person. Do you immediately know where they're fucking from? No.
Exactly. It's very difficult.
Really? Yeah. You can't tell? I can't see a Japanese guy.
Sometimes Japanese I can get, but sometimes I'm wrong. I go, hey, Japanese.
They go, oh, no, Cambodian. And then you're like, oh, fuck, my bad.
Well, maybe we should have you guys start to wear something to identify. No, it doesn't.
The reason why we shouldn't do that, because it doesn't matter where we're from. Well, we want to know which ones are the good ones and the bad ones.
Every place has good ones and bad ones. I don't know.
Yeah, dude. I think some are bad and some are good.
Japanese, good. Korean, bad.
It's pretty easy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
There's a lot of great – like I just saw something right now. A bunch of fucking South Koreans.
What they do is they go to this river by the DMZ, the by the TMZ? the DMZ the line the demilitarized zone exactly and what they do is they either put rice check this out I'm not kidding no I know but you said check this out check this out check this out they put rice inside like bottle of water yeah they take the water out water out. And then little messages like money.
Or they'll put little USB memory chips in there so that people can get messages. Because they can see news and stuff like that.
Yeah, news. And they put it in the river so that it drifts and maybe lands on the other side.
Or they'll take balloons and they'll put different things, you know what I mean? Wow. Like messages and stuff.
And they'll float it over the thing so that the North Koreans can get some stuff. That's incredible.
Right. But then the South Koreans just illegalized it.
Why? Because they were like, because this is what happened was they were- They're afraid of a war. No, South Koreans were like drawing pictures of like Kim Jong-un, like as a fat, crazy monster.
That's what I'm saying. They're afraid of a war.
Right. And so that, and then I guess they're getting annoyed by it because now all these North Koreans are getting, like, you know what I mean? These pictures of Kim Jong-un, like, eating fucking, you know what I mean? White people and babies and stuff.
You know what I mean? So they're like, it's completely illegal, but they've been doing it for years. Well, no.
So those are good people. Of course I know that there's many.
I'm making a joke. That is incredible that they would do that.

Yeah.

Would you give a fuck?

Okay.

Let me tell you something.

We live in Los Angeles, right?

Let's just say right outside of LA,

people had to be enslaved basically.

You would feel terrible for them

knowing that they're right next to you

and they have to be enslaved

without any chance of really getting out or having a future. If they were right next to you, you'd feel it more.
I don't know because, let's suppose it's Mexico. Okay, let's just say.
Let's say Mexico was a authoritarian country. Dictatorship.
Dictator, yeah. And they were enslaved and a lot of bad shit was going on.

And they had no means to get any kind of news.

And they're getting fed this propaganda from their own country.

Sure.

And I don't know if we would go down to the border and put up balloons and giving them –

I think citizens would.

You think so? I think people have good hearts. think people really care i would do it too what's the nicest thing you've done this year how about that have you done something nice yeah but it's not stuff that you would think it was nice well tell me what you think is nice well there's this comic that i don't really like that much.
And I had heard that in the pandemic, he was struggling.

Yeah.

So I Venmoed him just out of the blue, $500.

It's very nice.

Why would I not think that's very nice?

Because I think when I think about it, maybe it was a power play on my part.

Yeah, you're going to use it against him.

Well, maybe it's something to use it against him or to show him, hey, I know, you know, me, we're frenemies, right?

But you're going to use it against him. Well, maybe it's something to use it against him or to show him, hey, I know, you know me, we're frenemies, right? But you're not really enemies.
Yeah, but we're not like, like if he called me, he goes. I think you're inflating it.
You think so? I think you're making it out to be a thing that it's not. The fact that you even did that to him shows how good of a heart you have, that you really do care.
I did that to like or five comics that's what i'm saying you really care that's i don't like comics or friends of mine struggling struggling especially talented people it you know it sucks see that's what i'm saying so you do care i guess that's a really nice thing yeah i adopted three teenagers for the holidays. I adopted three teenagers.

Usually it's a family, but we did teenagers this year.

It's just gross that you would say it out loud.

Sometimes when you do a good deed, you should just keep it to yourself.

No.

Because when you announced it. It felt really good.

I know.

But when you announced it.

You announced giving someone $500.

You asked me.

Okay.

You never ask me questions.

I got to fill it in myself.

But just hear yourself talking. And I gave each of them 10 grand.
See, that's so gross. I'm kidding.
It was 25. No, did you really adopt three teenagers or is it a joke? No, we do.
Every year we usually do families. Are they? What are they? Like what color are they? Yeah.
They don't tell you. So you don't know their names.
Mario Lopez. No, no.
You don't know their names or what they are they? Yeah They don't tell you So you don't know their names? Mario Lopez No, no You don't know their names Or what they look like? No Because they don't want to create They don't want to create this weird They tell you their name And they tell you The things they need And then they tell you Yeah, but how do you know It's going to them? That's my problem Because it's a community program That we've worked with in the past Yeah Yeah, but still, in the past, they probably never told you who they were. What if...
You mean saying, what if these people steal from... Yeah, maybe.
I always think that how do I know that all my money is going to go to them? Well, it's gifts. It's gifts.
It's gifts. It's not physical cash.
It's gifts. Can't they take the gifts and then sell that shit on Etsy? Sure, but if they did that, then they're the ones that are going to burn, not me.
You know, like I did the right thing. Like I did the right thing.
What do you want me to do? Right. You can only do so much.
It's like saying when somebody gives a dollar to a homeless person, they're like, yeah, I'm spending on drugs. Like, what do you care? It's over.
You did the right thing. Yeah, yeah.
The rest is out of your control. Right.
But you don't piss me off today. I read the news that said Bezos, his wife, Mackenzie Bezos.
Yeah. She gave away $4.4 billion.
And then people were tweeting like, yeah, but she made $26 billion during the pandemic. Yeah.
But it's like, yeah, but what do you want her to – when is enough – like what? You're mad that she gave some money? What if she gave zero? You wouldn't have said anything. Some people don't say give any.
That's my point. Like, what do you want her to do? Okay, if you had...
$4.4 billion. If you had $20 billion, what would you do? I'd probably...
I'd invest as much as I could to know that my kids, kids, kids would be set up forever. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I would tell my business manager. I'd go, how much do I need to put away until everyone in my family, all my uncles and aunts and cousins and everybody, everyone in my family, extended family, are they good? Yes? Okay.
With the rest of it, I'm going to have fun and I'm going to give some of it away. How much? $20 billion? I'd give away a million.
I don't know. I don't really know.
Maybe I'd probably give away $1. I'd probably give away a billion.
What about if you spend the money for yourself, but you let unfortunate people.

Come party with me?

Yeah, come.

And come along.

Like I rent a G5 jet and I put a bunch of homeless guys on it?

Yeah, something like that, right? That's right.

Yeah.

I got a Playboy boat.

Yeah.

With a bunch of naked ladies, right?

Woo!

Homeless, come on on.

We'll give them a shower, scrub them down, right?

And get a nut off.

Here's some cocaine.

Here's a cocaine.

Whatever, you know what I mean?

Thank you. With a bunch of naked ladies, right? Homeless, come on on.
We'll give them a shower, scrub them down, right?

And get a nut off.

Here's some cocaine.

Here's a cocaine.

Whatever, you know what I mean? And then when we're done, when we get back to L.A.

Go back to your fucking...

Get to the hut.

Yeah.

You get right to the tent.

The dungeon, yeah.

No, I don't know.

How much would you...

Would you give away a bunch of money if you got a bunch?

If you got that...

Okay, look.

If you got like Rogan's deal, if you got $ hundred million dollars tomorrow, would you give any of it away to charity?

Yeah, that silence says everything.

I'm thinking.

I know, but to think about it is pretty heavy.

No, because I don't want to give you a lie.

I want to give you an honest answer.

Respect.

Respect it.

I respect that.

So give me a second.

I'll go to Rudy right now.

Rudy, would you give away any money if you got a hundred million dollars?

Yeah.

How much?

50.

50 million.

Dollars.

You'd give half of what you made?

Wow.

That's really generous.

$50 million you'd give away?

I'd give $5 million.

Of $100 million?

Yeah.

Okay.

No judgment.

Don't judge me. No judgment.
i have shit to do i know no probably 20 million that seems fair yeah 20 million's good 20 yeah it seems fair it seems good okay but where would you give it to no i would probably do um i don't like you know what breaks my heart is when i see young children get cancer. It's disgusting.
I hate it. It's disgusting.
So probably something – when it comes to that. Like Children's Hospital or like Hope and all that stuff.
Something like that, yeah. And then I would probably go to an island or a place where these brown people come from.
And I would go, I really would and I would probably set up you know,

two things.

You know.

Hospital?

No, not a hospital.

Right.

Because you have a lot of stray dogs.

Yeah, we talked about this.

So I would do like a,

you know.

A dog shelter.

A ranch.

Oh. For stray dogs to just live on.

Right on.

And then we could feed them

and Jules can take care of it.

I'll pay her to do it. Would you do that? Yeah.
If I paid you good money, go, this is your ranch, take care of these dogs. Yeah.
And then I would probably do something for like, you know what I feel bad? Dwarves. Little people? Yeah, but I want them to get the little leg extensions.

We have friends, like Brad Williams is a friend.

He doesn't want it.

I've asked him.

He doesn't want legs?

No, I go, you want to do the leg extension?

He goes, I'm fine, buddy.

You know what I mean?

How do you, what do you mean leg extension?

Well, in China, what they do is they operate, they take the bone.

Shut up.

That's what they do.

They build them legs?

No.

See the bone, the leg bone?

Yeah.

I don't know which one.

They cut it.

Yeah.

And they leave a space.

And the bone grows.

Whoa.

Right?

And it takes like a year.

So they can't walk for a year.

So a wheelchair.

Yeah, but you can gain like five inches.

Really?

Yeah.

Why don't they just take the legs out and put fake legs in? People want their legs, man. People do want their legs.
They like to wiggle their toes. Yeah, I guess that's true.
I've never heard of leg extensions. But then their arms are still short.
What do you do with the arms? They look weird. Okay, so you can't.
Yeah. So just really tall.
They look worse almost. They're like T-Rexes.
Yeah. But they know what they're going to be for Halloween.
That's great. That's true.
Look it up. Leg extensions? Yeah, Chinese leg extensions.
Okay, I'll look it up right now. Surgery.
Little person leg extension. Little person leg lengthening.
Yes. Limb lengthening is meant to help little people born with dwarfism.
The most common form is achondroplasia, a genetic condition afflicting one in 10,000 people with achondroplasia have average-sized heads torsos but abnormally short the operation just isn't about the physical though that's crazy so this is a real thing dwarves divided over limb lengthening god is that a great headline yeah say that 10 times dwarves dividing over limb lengthening dwarves divided over limb lengthening that's gonna be the name of my next album. Dwarves Divided Over Limb Lengthening.
Wait, let's call Brad and see if he would do it. Should we call him? I think that's insulting.
I know, but we're talking about it. It's like somebody calling me going, hey, you want to get your eyes round? Do you, though? No.
Why? I'd do it for you. I don't want it.
If I paid for it? Would you get your eyes done? I'm fine with my eyes. Yeah, your eyes are pretty round.
Yeah. No, she has nice eyes.
She has nice eyes. Mine aren't nice? They're okay.
They're okay. They're fine.
They're good. They look like a little cave I want to hide out in.
Okay, that's good. Yeah, it looks mysterious.
Do you know what I mean? Yeah, that's good. Let's call Brad, but you have to tell him because you're the one that came up with this.
Yeah, but I can't confront him about it. You have to say it first.
I'll say it, but he's going to be – I'll do it. I'll give a fuck.
You should. I love Brad.
Well, let me say hi first because he'll – Can you hear me? Sure. Do this.
Yeah. What's up, man? Hey, baby boy, you're on the podcast.
You're on Bad Friends. I just want to give you a heads up, and Bobby wants to ask you something, okay? All right.
Okay. What's so funny? Well, because I know, Bobby, if you have a question, it's not going to be like, hey, I need a new recipe for something.
Yeah, but I just wanted to call you and say happy holidays. I know your people love it.
Are you guys working a lot? You guys working a lot? Bobby is bad. Yeah, yeah yeah bobby tell him tell him what you taught me well um okay well so um if if hi you good how's the kid the kid is great bobby how much do you need i don't need money.
No, because we were talking about, like, you know how – are you a dwarf? We've known him for years. I don't know.
I don't know what that term is. He doesn't understand terminology.
I don't know terminology. Brad, you know he's not the smartest man.
He doesn't understand terminology, so he needs to be informed. I mean, yeah, I was going to say, Bobby, have you not seen five minutes of my act? I'm pretty sure I cover it.
I like having fun. I like to party.
I don't know about you, but when I party, I like to drink. And one of the main reasons I like to drink is because I never have to pay for it.
Ever. Because everyone wants to know what happens when a dwarf gets drunk.
Right now you're thinking, like, I wonder what happens. I would really like to know that.
It's like me and hot chicks. Me and hot chicks have that thing in common where we walk into the club and everyone just looks at us and goes, we're getting that fucked up tonight.
I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but I have tall friends, okay? It's not like the midgets get together every Sunday under the tree stump and watch football.

I ran track in the Special Olympics.

Now, if you have never seen a midget run,

holy shit, you don't know what you're missing out on.

You want to know what happens when a six-foot-two guy gives a four-foot guy a chest bump?

Four-foot guy gets a dick in the face.

That's what happens.

Yeah, he goes over it.

Yeah, but because when I see you,

I don't see you as anything. I see you as just a comic, my friend.
I don't treat you different. We love each other.
We're brothers. We're brothers.
You bet. I treat you differently, Brad, and you know that.
I look down on you and you know it. Absolutely.
Yep. No.
How do you feel about – let's get to the point. How do you feel about certain dwarves getting this leg lengthening operation where they separate the bone and the bone grows in? Oh, God, no.
Yeah, I'm not a fan of that. See? It's a surgery that takes like over a year and a half to get done.
You separate your bone by millimeters a day and then overnight it grows back in. And the thing is, even when you do it and it's all done, you still look like a dwarf, but just that went into like a tappy stretching machine.
That's what we said. Yeah, that's what we said.
That's what we said. You're just a taller dwarf.

Yeah.

Well, have you guys heard that now there's actually an injection that you can give to dwarf children?

What do you mean?

It's in phase three of trials right now.

It's a shot, and you give it to them, and then the bad parts of dwarfism kind of go away.

What?

Wow.

Like, what do you mean? Wait, wait, wait. What do you mean? Like they can...
Like the funny head? The wobbly funny head I like. Brad, Brad, what does that mean? What does that even mean? You give it to the kid and it gets rid of what? Like internal stuff? Like organ stuff? they tend to grow more and some of the

health complications that are associated with dwarfism are less. Wow.
Wow. Holy shit.
Would you have taken that as a kid? No. No, I don't want to have to write a new hour.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The best.

Yeah, because for me, I used to think to myself, even just being Korean and weird looking, I always thought I was Korean and weird looking. And I would go to an all-white high school, and I used to think, I wish I was – there was times where I would pray.
I wish I was just a white guy, a regular-looking white guy. You know what I mean? But as you grow in your own skin and you develop a personality and you have your own thoughts and ideas about things, and then your self-esteem builds.
You look in the mirror one day and you go, I'm just perfect the way I am. I would not change.
Not perfect, but yeah. No, I think that I'm perfect.

Well, yeah.

Okay.

You, I'm not.

No, no, no. Because you're a racist.

I'm a bigot, not a racist.

And Brad Williams is perfect the way he is.

He is.

I know.

Look, I'm going to agree with you.

You said a great thing.

It's true.

When I was a kid, red hair, like, it was so repulsive to me.

It was like the most annoying thing.

And I shaved my head.

I just wanted to not have it anymore.

Yeah.

And now that I'm older, I look in the mirror and I still wish I had normal hair. Yeah.
But it's okay. No, you're right.
You grow into it. Andrew, I'd much rather be a dwarf than a redhead.
Are there any redheaded dwarves? Oh, God, I hope not. You guys, there's no way they live past, they got to get taken care of.
A redheaded dwarf? Yeah. We have to look one up, and we have to get one on this show.
Now, Brad, you know, when you take the injections, does that take away your mythological powers? Yeah, unfortunately. By the way, we have one.
Look at this. Oh, my God.
I know her. I found a redheaded comedian dwarf.
I used to open for her. You know that, right? Tannily Davis? Yeah, Tannily Davis Yeah she's a store girl Wait a minute Yeah So all this time You guys have known a redheaded dwarf And didn't Yeah This is crazy But you know what the worst You didn't want to hook me up? No Huh? No She's very funny Brad But I used to have to open for her She used to I don't know if she is But she was married to like to, like, a 6'8", like, giant guy.
Of course. Right? And you used to, like, carry her around like a pocket pussy.
You know what I mean? Right? So one time, like, he wasn't around, and she's like, man, you know what I mean? Let's open for me at this casino. Right.
So then I had to, like – our hotel room was on, like, the third floor, and there was, like, no elevator. So I had to carry her up.
Fuck, she was heavy, bro. Really? Oh, my God.
Dwarves are heavy. Yeah, well – We're very dense people.
Yeah, dense. Brad is bottom heavy because this kid's a tripod.
Do you know about this kid? No kid. I'm not going to get into it, but do you know about Brad? His dick? Seriously, do you know? Pretty big.
No.

Little?

No, pretty big is not.

Large.

Besides this microphone, length and girth.

Your dick is that big, Brad?

Yes.

I can't see the microphone.

I don't know what you got. You know what the size of these, you know how big these shores are.

Look at this.

This is it.

It's this.

Is your dick big though, Brad?

Yep.

No, it just looks big on me. No, it's okay.
Let me ask you this. Do you think your dick is bigger than mine? Oh, definitely bigger than yours.
Yeah. It's not.
Fuck you. Let me tell you how I knew.
Brad and I went golfing one time and he went to go take a pee because when you're golfing, there's no bathrooms. You just piss outside.
And he pissed outside and we had had a couple of drinks and he came back and he was a little sloppy. And i said oh brad you got pissed you he shook you know when you shake and he shook and he got pissed on his pants and i'm not exaggerating the piss shake was about this far out from where it should have been this far out it was like a foot away from where normal piss would be and i was like jesus how do you pee down there when you golfed with brad it was the golf Of course, did they have a windmill? Brad, go ahead and answer.

No, we play big boy golf. Big boy golf.
Big boy golf. You know what? That joke is okay.
Yeah, it's fine. That joke okay? Yeah.
I mean, it didn't do well, but... I know.
I would like to set up right now because there's nothing but love here and Brad knows. I love you so much, Brad.
You know that. And obviously for the audience it's all jokes this is our friend i do want to set up a match between you and brad to have a physical altercation of some kind because i cannot wait to watch him beat you no no first of all i would bet my bank account bank account i was dude you know i was on the wrestling team right i would love to watch you fight brad boxing yeah you got to fight him i would kick his ass okay brad let's

set it up i would i wouldn't want to brad i would kick the living shit out of you you're done dude no no no no andrew here's the deal because bobby just said that he was on the wrestling team right yeah i was also on the wrestling team in college let's go let's set it up so we so we gotta do this so we got to do this nate nate robinson, Jake Paul style. We will break all pay-per-view records, and it'll be Bobby Lee against Brad Williams in the ball pit of a Chuck E.
Cheese. Let's do it.
Here's what's going to happen, though. Brad's going to show up in a trench coat, and he's going to be on my shoulders, and we're going to beat the shit out of you yeah brad we love you very much thanks for picking up the merry merry holidays baby boy i love

you i'll talk to you soon all right brother bye love you guys thanks what are you doing what what

are you doing oh we've got he yeah andres andres got off last time on doing trivia yeah where's

the fuck where's your costume oh it was so we we've got some trivia. Andres wants us to do trivia.
Yeah. And he's got some trivia lined up like he did last time.
But I answer questions and then I press the buzzer? We're going to hit the buzzer because last time the problem was there was no judgment over who could buzz in first. So now this is, everyone's got a buzzer.'s if i get an answer wrong what happens you get hit okay we've got some trivia so andres once you set up the rules set up the christmas trivia i'm excited about it okay so let's do it the person who gets five questions right wins five the person who hits the buzzer first will answer the question.
You guys cannot go over like in the Price is Right this time. So if you go over the number.
It's what it should have been. You go over, it doesn't count, just like the Price is Right.
And if you guys fight the judge, you lose that point. Okay, go ahead.
So these are just numbers. What? Are these questions just all involving numbers? No, he's just setting up the rules in case there is a numbered question.
Go ahead. Because you yelled about it last time.
Right. Right.
Okay. There's an ABC.
Are they multiple choice? No. Just listen up.
No multiple choices here. All right, who's going to pay attention to the buzzers? I will.
Okay. And in case there is like an arbitration, I'll have a set of eyes here with george uh calling it oh by the way and if you buzz in prematurely before the question is done you can't answer yeah correct you have to wait till the question is done being read all right so first question in the song frosty the snowman what made Frosty come to life?

All right.

Andrew.

The hat and the scarf.

When she put on the hat and the nose and the eyes and the scarf,

and that made him come to life.

An old silk hat.

Correct.

Yeah, baby.

Boom.

All right.

One for one.

White people question this.

You don't know Frosty the Snowman? It's all Christmas? This is the Christmas episode! What the fuck do you think this is? Jesus Christ! I'm gonna lose. Who spies on kids and reports back to Santa? Who spies on kids? Yeah.
Who spies on kids? The elves? The elf on the shelf. We'll give it to you.
One, one, zero. Yeah, she does get it.
She said elf. It's part of the...
You know what I mean? What Christmas decoration was originally made from strands of silver? I got it. Garland? The star on the top.

Strands of silver?

Just throw out anything I know.

Rudy?

The balls?

The balls?

No.

Do you mean the ornaments?

Tinsel.

Tinsel.

It sounds like a tinsel.

Yeah, yeah.

Right.

Yeah, we're dumb.

Who played George Bailey in the Christmas classic It's a Wonderful Life? Fuck, what's his name? Bobby? No, that was me. That was you.
Oh, yeah. He doesn't even know.
What's his name? It's the guy that sounds like that. Jimmy.
His name is Time

Time

What the fuck's his last name?

Jim

Oh come on guys

Well I know we all know who it is

I couldn't get it out

Jimmy Stewart

But I had everything Doesn't the voice count for like a half a point? No, it doesn't count. Jimmy Stewart.
Jimmy Stewart. Damn it.
What Christmas beverage is also known as milk punch? Damn it. Bobby? Eggnog.
Yep. Fuck.
Okay. One, one, one.
One, one, one. One of Santa's reindeer shares a name with a famous symbol of Valentine's Day.
Which reindeer is that? Yes. Cupid.
Yep. Correct.
Two points. You're a poor loser, and it's ugly.
Dude, you're the poorest winner. You're the poorest winner.
When you win win you rub it in people's face It's disgusting See when you get gifts You throw it in people's face It doesn't matter it's with the heart No it's not You thought not about it at all Go ahead George or Andres What Southeast Asian country boasts the longest holiday season, starting with decorations

and carols as early as September and celebrations that last sometimes until January?

I was first.

Rudy?

I was first.

I think Rudy was.

Rudy was first.

He's looking.

Yeah.

Rudy.

Philippines.

Correct.

I swear to God, I was first.

It's only appropriate, though.

I swear to God, I was first. She's Filipino.
Look at the back of the thing. Okay, we'll do a replay.
Okay. 2-2-1.
What Christmas-themed ballet premiered in St. Petersburg, Russia in 1892? We're out.
No, I got it. We both did it before the question's over.
No, I did it. No, we, no.
I'm doing it. He didn't finish the question.
Who cares? I already know the answer. We both did.
You can't answer when he's not done. You can't do it.
She's the only one that can try. I don't know.
Well, then it's up. I get to do it.
He doesn't know I get to do it, right? No. Yes, yes, yes.
Nutcracker. We said the question doesn't count if we buzz in.
If she misses it, then I can fucking buzz because she missed it and I just got it. The Nutcracker.
Two, two, two. Go fuck yourself.
See, you're the shittiest of all time. I'm tied.
I'm not even winning. I know, but you're a brat.
You're a little fucking fat brat. See how angry you get? For no fucking reason, dude.
No, because you said fuck you to me. You need therapy.
Did you say fuck you? Fuck you.

Go ahead, Andres.

Because of this bad behavior, you both get one point taken away from you.

So it's two for Rudy, one, one.

I hope you like what you did.

You did that.

No, you did.

You couldn't let go of the first fuck.

You said F you to me.

You couldn't let that go.

You didn't have to say it.

Idiot.

That's a warning.

Okay. We're going to lose this fucking one.
I know. What's the best Christmas candy? Bobby? No, it was me.
Candy canes. No.
What's the best Christmas? According to who? Yeah. Bobby? Candy corn.
Please give me. It's Halloween.
I know, Halloween. Rudy? I don't know.
God, if she gets it. I'm going to be so pissed off.
She doesn't even know. Snickers.
Yeah, it's Snickers. It's a Snickers, correct.
One point for Rudy. So annoying.
That's not it. No, I'm sure it is.
Is it really? It is Snickers.

They have it written down.

Okay.

In Charles Dickens' A Christmas Carol, what would Mr. Scrooge's first name?

Okay, Andrew.

Ebenezer.

Correct.

Wait, is it?

Three, two, one.

Correct.

Ugh.

What traditional Christmas decoration is actually a parasitic plant?

I got it.

You didn't make any noise.

Yeah, it did.

Yours didn't make any noise.

Yes.

Bobby got it first, but he didn't make any noise.

But I saw it.

So I'm the first.

Go ahead.

Whistletoe.

Correct.

322.

322.

Which fairy tale inspired the first gingerbread houses?

Andrew?

Hansel and Gretel.

Correct.

Fuck yes.

3-3-2.

I'm going to lose.

I don't know much about Christmas.

What animated 2004 film is about a train that carries kids to the North Pole on Christmas Eve?

Andrew?

The Polar Express.

Correct.

What is it now?

3, 4, 2.

Did you know that answer?

Yeah, but I forgot the name.

Step it up.

What's the most fun Christmas tradition?

Yes.

Opening presents.

Incorrect. Rudy? Caroling? Correct.
Son of a bitch. Just as long as she wins, I'm happy.
That's what he's doing. Yeah, yeah.
That's all I care. 4-4-2.
Where was baby Jesus born? I got it. Rudy? I got it.
Jerusalem? No. Bethlehem.
Correct. He wasn't next? Yes, I was.
I did my thing. Yes, I was next.
He was next. I was next.
Bethlehem. Oh, geez.
Jerusalem? I don't know

Jerusalem

It's not wrong

It's not right

It's not right

That's close enough

Jerusalem

Do you have more?

I do

Let's do another one

I won but let's do another one

You didn't win

It's not over

Yeah I won five

Let's do best of ten

Who was the star of the Christmas movie Jingle

All the Way?

Andrew?

Tim Allen. Incorrect.

I don't remember. What the fuck is a jingle

all the way? It's a movie, I know.

Tim Allen was a Santa Claus.

It was Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Arnold Schwarzenegger. I remember that.

What's wrong with me?

Which food do you leave for Santa?

Go ahead, Rudy.

Rudy?

Cookies and milk.

Correct.

He loves when she gets it right.

Correct.

He does a little Spanish.

Correcto.

Correcto.

He doesn't do it for us.

As the clock chimes midnight in the New Year's, a Spanish tradition involves eating 12 of what? One for each time. No, can't.
Rudy? Go ahead. Grapes.
Correcto. Yeah.
Don't. Stop.
Stop. Fuck this game.
Hey. I'm out.
Why? I don't know anything. In the movie Elf.

It's not in my, it's not.

In the movie Elf.

You know this movie with Will Ferrell.

Peter Dinklage.

He's in it.

Peter Dinklage.

Peter Dinklage.

You know, he got leg lengthening.

Really?

Yeah.

Which country started a tradition of putting up a Christmas tree?

Yes. I'm going to say Canada.
Nope. Damn.
Bobby? Germany. Correct.
Germany. Look at that.
It's not Germany. Yeah, it is.
There's no way it's Germany. It is Germany.
Is it really Germany? It is. They do have a lot of German terms in Christmas.
Santa Claus. All right.
You could use any word and put a German accent to it. It'll sound like it.
Misseltoe. No, but they did.
But like Santa Claus, that was like a big. I think it was a German thing.
It is a German thing.

It is, right?

Isn't it?

Yes.

What is the most popular meal for Christmas in Japan?

Bobby.

Yes?

Noodles?

No.

Bobby?

Chicken pot pie.

No.

Sushi? No. KFC fried chicken.
I I knew that they love KFC over there have you never you know about this there's more KFC franchises there than anywhere else in the world Japanese love KFC and we turn them into fried chicken and fuck Hiroshima alright next question okay since you guys know a lot about presidents Which president established Christmas

As a national holiday?

Yes?

Teddy Roosevelt

No

Yes?

Eisenhower

No

Is it still Lincoln?

No

It's Ulysses S. Grant

Oh

How many points does a snowflake

Traditionally have?

Andrew?

Seven

No

Eight

No

Six

Rudy is catching up

Shut up

No but don't shut up but keep reading

I don't know. Six.
Six. Six.
Rudy, Rudy's catching up.

Shut up.

No, but don't shut up, but keep reading.

What Bing Crosby song is the best-selling single ever?

Bobby?

White Christmas.

Correct.

That's good.

What Christmas movie sequel includes a cameo by Donald Trump?

I know. What is it? It's Home Alone.
Yes. It's all Lost in New York.
Donald Trump isn't Lost in New York. It's correct.
Yeah. And he kisses Macaulay Culkin on the mouth when he says goodbye.
He goes, I gotta go. Merry Christmas.
Really? Yeah, he kisses him. What words follow Silent Night in the Sun? Yes.
Holy Night. Correct.
I'm running away with this. Miracle on 34th Street.
What a movie. Is based on what real life department store? Yes.
Macy's. Correct.
Okay. It looks like only one person here enjoys Christmas.

I love it.

Okay.

I try Rudy.

He tried so hard to sabotage us. He took away points from us and everything.

The Spaniard.

You can never trust a Spaniard, dude.

Honestly.

It's just you're just embedded in white Midwest ritualistic things like fucking Christmas.

I was never exposed to that.

We didn't have a Christmas tree.

Everything that I learned is through just like glimpses of media, you know?

Same thing.

What do you mean?

No, you guys had the Christmas tree and you guys—

You never had a Christmas tree your whole childhood?

You guys had—

Did you have a Christmas tree when you were a kid?

Yeah.

Yeah, but I did.

Okay, all right.

So she's—

So what I'm saying—

No, my point, though, is that it's just completely unfair

because it's a tradition that I didn't grow up with. Well, let's do a tradition that you grew up with that I didn't then.
There is no tradition. Alcoholism.
I did grow up with that, oddly enough. I know you did.
Wait a minute. How old were you when you guys finally got a tree? I think we got one, but it was never decorated, and it stayed in our living room for like a year and a half because no one would ever – and then my mom used to put like, it was like a real tree.
Yeah. And then my mom used to hang clothes on the like the barren branches.
To dry? Yeah. So it became like.
A drying rack? A drying rack. And for like a year and a half, it was just sitting there, you know what I mean, in the living room with like socks and shit drying on it.
How long did you have the Christmas tree up for? For a couple years.

And then we're like, after that, my dad finally goes, fuck it.

I'm going to turn it down, take it down.

He chopped it down.

What?

Yeah, and then we never had one after that.

Why?

Did you ever get gifts though?

Yeah, my dad would go, like Christmas, we'd sit around.

We wouldn't have any of the traditional.

I don't even know what food you would eat.

But we would sit around and my dad would go, yeah, Merry Christmas. And he would give you an envelope full of cash.
And I would go buy weed with it. How much money would you get in the envelope? Like 300 bucks.
And he'd be like, that's it, Merry Christmas. Yeah, Merry Christmas.
No gifts open up in the morning. You never had one Merry Christmas? None of this magical shit that you guys grew up with.
But when I watch it, like right now we have two trees in our house.

Real or fake?

They're real.

And we went and bought it, you know what I mean?

And we went and we fucking lugged it in the house.

And then her and Klyla and Juliana

spent all night with all the decorations.

And I just sit there and watch and I go,

you know, I want to,

I don't want to be like, you know,

I want to get involved, you know i want to i don't want to be like you know um i want to get involved you know me the best i can because i just don't but i don't know much about the culture or the rituals of it so i just kind of like i do the best i can but at the end of the day i'm dead inside when it comes to the holiday season no you're not're not. I am.
I don't care.

I don't care.

Okay.

So when we play games like this,

I play along,

and the answers that I have are just stuff that maybe I gathered

by listening to a song one day at a mall.

Right.

But nothing that I grew up learning.

Does it make you... Like Christmas movies.
I've never seen any of them. Yeah, you have.
I haven't. Have you never seen Miracle on 34th Street? I don't even know what it is.
But some movies fall into the category of Christmas movie even though they're not. Right? Like what? Home Alone is a Christmas movie even though it's...
I saw Predator once. That's a good Christmas movie.
Yeah, yeah. Like the first one.
What about like... What about like Planes, Trains, and Automobiles? Great movie.
Great movie. But that was more of a Thanksgiving movie.
Yeah, yeah. Like the first one.
What about like Planes, Trains, and Automobiles?

Great movie.

Great movie.

But that was more

of a Thanksgiving movie.

I think it was

Home for Christmas.

Thanksgiving.

Was it?

Yeah.

It was.

You know why?

Because of the fat lady

that was at the

gobble, gobble.

You're right.

Okay, that was.

All right, let me think

of another Christmas movie.

Die Hard.

Die Hard was a Christmas movie.

Die Hard 2. No, Die Hard, the original, was a Christmas movie.
Yeah, I did see that was. All right, let me think of another Christmas movie.
Die Hard. Die Hard was a Christmas movie.
Die Hard 2. No, Die Hard the original was a Christmas movie.
Yeah, I did see that one. But you can't learn much from it.
You learn how to like... What do you mean? The only thing I learned from Die Hard about Christmas is you can run on broken glass with bare feet.
Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You can climb through vents and knock a Tome Tower. Yeah, I'd never heard of the term Yippee-ki-yay before.
Well, no one had. Yeah.
Didn't he make that up on that movie? No, I think that's a Yippee-ki-yay is an old Western term. Yeah, but motherfucker isn't.
Yes. He combined the two.
Yeah. He made it Yippee-ki-yay motherfucker.
Yeah, that's his. But Yippee-ki-yay is a, yeah.
But you love Westerns. You said you love Westerns.
I know know but i'm just saying though that uh christmas movies i don't mean to bring anyone down when people are say merry christmas or i've bought gifts from people i just my honest feeling about it is is that i i've never gotten the christmas spirit and i wish i could get it but maybe you can try this year i i fucked it up by one of my best buddies i couldn't you sure did i couldn't even get you a fucking gift, man. You sure did.
You know what I mean? Are you going to make up for it at some point? Fuck you. Thank you.
I don't know why I just did that. I know why.
Why? Because it's a defense mechanism. It is.
It's sad. For showing how much you actually love me.
I love you. It's fine.
I love you, too. I really do.
I love you. I know it's the end of the year.
I want to say how much I love and appreciate you guys. This is the Christmas spirit is giving.
And I want to give you guys a little gift. Andres, reach under your seat there and see.
I've left you a little gift under there. Do you see it? Oh, yeah.
And George, look under your seat. Did you get it? It's incredible.
You're welcome. What is it? It's just a little something from me to the crew.
Oh, God. Wow.
I got a gift, too. What about from Bobby? Did you get the guys anything? Yeah, but mine is in the mail.
You know, UPS is backed up right now. They are.
They are. So mine's arriving a little late.
Okay. Well, I want to say thank you to all you guys.
I also want to say thank you to the fans because we mean it. We love you guys.
We're not a year yet, but this has been a fun journey. I hope everyone has a great holiday.
You know. I mean that.
I have to be honest with you. Okay.
May I? Please. It's Christmas.
100% Christmas spirit. Spirit.

People are going to be watching this around the fireplace with their families.

Merry Christmas to you and loved ones, and may you have a jolly time. We should also say happy Kwanzaa and Hanukkah.
But I want to say – wait, J2 Plus is texting me. Oh, yeah.
That makes more sense. I want to say, I don't know how long we've been doing this podcast.
45 weeks. Yeah, but I remember, you know, I was thinking about doing one with other people at one point.
Yeah. And I just couldn't get myself to do it.
The motivation wasn't there. And when Andrew came along, although my gut said no.
No, this is going to come out good. Okay.
My gut said no. And my head said maybe.
My heart said yes. Oh, Bob.
And I said, you know what? Instinctually, I think this is maybe the way to go and once we started doing it I was grateful for it because I don't know if that's love I don't know if it's hate but there's something there between us that's bubbling underneath the surface. And we could kill each other, or we could make love.
That's the magic of it. It is.
But I'm really happy that I did it with you. I'm happy that I did it with you.
Okay. Look at me.
Happy holidays to you. holidays happy holidays and your family

and everybody else

thank you for being a bad friend Yeah. Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.