Judge Rudy's Court

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You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

Are we ready to go, you guys?

We are.

Okay.

We are. We are.

We are.

We are.

We are.

We are ready to go.

We are ready to go.

See?

I've been watching that show,

Queen's Gambit.

Oh.

And he looks like,

both George and him

look like people

that should be in that show.

George looks like the creepy guy

that tries to have sex with her at the beginning, right? Right, right, right. And also, what's his name? Andres.
Andres. Andres looks like a guy that, like, you know, he's at the booth signing people in, and he's questioning her, like, you know what I mean? Like, are girls even allowed to play chess? Yeah.
Right? And then he gets his ass kicked. He has that kind of like, you know what I mean? Who do you guys think you are in the show? Do you think you're somebody else, George? That's who you are.
I'm the suave guy. Is there a suave debonair guy? No, there's not a suave debonair.
You're not suave, you piece of shit. You're not suave at all, George.
You're greasy, dude. You're clumsy.
You're super clumsy. You're a used car salesman.

You are a used car salesman.

That's what you are, George.

A used car salesman.

But what dealership, by the way?

Oh, not even used shit cars.

Yeah, like old, like they're not-

Like 80 years from now?

Junkyard.

In the future.

Junkyard.

Priuses from now he'll be selling.

You're a junkyard car dealer, George.

And Andres is, Andres is-

I'm the guy who plays fast chess really well. Fast chess.
Fast chess really well. No, you're not.
I play fast chess. You're the guy in 20 moves, she beat you.
Yeah. And then the next episode, you're the guy that says, yeah, I just decided to become an engineer.
Right? Like you quit because of the heat. Yeah, 100%.
What a great show, though. It's phenomenal.
Are you finished? I'm on episode 8 love it yeah I don't know exactly what happens the uh didn't you finish Rude? yeah I did she did so good it really is a well done show so wait are you watching it by yourself or you guys are watching it together? I'm watching it with Kalilah oh okay she's already seen it yeah so we're just kind of re- just kind of re-watching it. But what a good show.
Did you watch it? Are you watching it again? No. No, you're over it.
Once is enough. I can't watch a show more.
I know people that do that all the time. They're like, I'm re-watching The Office from the start.
I'm like, I can't do that. Well, I've seen every disaster movie probably a thousand times.
Like, I've seen Volcano. Oh, yeah.
Probably 200 times. I've seen Deep Impact a thousand times.
What about Twister? That's not, I'm not, I don't know. It's a good movie, though.
It's okay. Really? Yeah, I think the graphics aren't as good, yeah.
Well, of the time. It was pretty good.
What was the worst, what's the worst movie that you've watched multiple times and you don't know why? The Core. The Core? Yeah.
What is that? I don't know what that is. So The Core is a disaster movie, right? And so when you think of disaster movies, you think what? Meteor.
Right. Right.
Let's say Tsunami. Those were some sort of tsunami.
The World Ending. The World Ending, right, or some sort of thing, right? of they ran out of ideas.
Hollywood. So they went, what do we do? What do we do? And so this one is the core of the earth.
It just stopped spinning. What? Yeah.
Like the world ceases to spin. No, just the core, the molten, the metallic,

you know what I mean?

It just stops spinning.

And then?

And then gravity dissipates

and then the solar winds

come and destroy the Earth.

So the only way they can,

so the only way they can save,

right,

is to get to the core

of the Earth,

right,

and get it to spin again.

What?

Yeah.

So they create a ship

to go into the, and they have great actors, Hilary Swank. What? Yeah.
So they create a ship to go into the middle and they have great actors. Hillary Swank.
What? Aaron Eckhart. When did this come out? I don't know, 12 years ago maybe.
Who else? Wait, wait, wait. Stanley Tucci.
Spoiler alert, spoiler alert. How did they get it to spin? What was their...
Duh. You got to go to the center of the earth.
And run as fast as you can around it. Then you release Hussein Bolt.
What is his name? Saddam Hussein Bolt. No, what's his name? What's his name? Usain Bolt.
Yeah, Usain Bolt. Yeah.
Have him run. Yeah.
Right? No, they put- Michael Phelps. No, they put little nuclear charges and detonate it.
So it would create inertia to keep...

Yeah, to create inertia.

Right?

It didn't work.

It does.

That would have bad...

This is such a bad movie.

I know, but it worked.

That's what I love about it.

Fancy, you laughed because you've seen this movie?

I have, yeah.

And did you like it?

It's a bad movie, but I enjoyed it.

Like, would you watch it again?

Like, Bobe has seen it more than once.

Yeah, I know the director, too, so it's director too so it's a... What does he do now? Industrial film for Southwest Airlines? No he's a postmates driver.
No he's a pretty cool guy. What does he do now? He does TV shows.
What kind? Yeah yeah yeah. Which one? He was doing The Borges Oh, that's a really good show.
That's a good show. Good luck I'm cast in that now, guys.
Shut up. Shut up, you fucking.
Shut up, George. You car sales.
Yeah, if we want to Prius a thousand years from now, then we'll come to you. Yeah, we'll call you.
We'll give you a ring. You fucking piece of shit.
Let's give a shout out right now to my pup cub. I brought cubby to the universe because why? I brought cubby because I got a FaceTime call from Kalilah and you three nights ago.
Yeah. And the argument that was going on inside of your house was what? Go ahead.
What do you mean? You had an argument that I don't love my dog. No, no, no, no.
That's not what the argument was. That's what she said.
I understand that, but see, now I have to share my worldview when it comes to white people and their dogs okay go ahead i don't want to i don't want to share that because it's going to cause anger between who controversy between me and the whites the whites don't like you we took a vote the whites i've been down many white vaginas we like you okay you can make fun of us go ahead it's not making fun of, you know. You think whites aren't good with animals? No, that's not what I'm saying.
You remember the fucking lady, Jane whatever, lived in the jungles and lived with the monkeys? Jane Goodall, yeah. Yeah, Jane Goodall.
Yeah, so I know they love them. So what is it? Yeah, but it's like, uh.
We love them too much? No, is, okay, do you ever see the movie Signs? With the water?

What?

No.

M. Night Shyamalan's movie Signs.

Yeah, yeah, the water.

Wasn't it water that killed them?

Oh, yeah, the aliens, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, it was like the worst fucking-

You can't just say water, right?

You can, because everyone remembers that was the worst plot.

They were like, and all it is is water that hurts them.

It's like, what?

That's what fucking M. Night Shyamalan came, Swing Away, right? The baseball bat thing.
Amazing movie. It was so good.
One of the best movies. Andres, help.
Fancy, help. I really like this movie.
Yeah, I think the movie is amazing. It was one of the worst movies he made.
Because you don't. No, it's not.
Yes. It's a sleeper.
Were you going to say it's the one? The Sixth Sense is, I think, the one.

No, I think that Signs is his best movie

and the Sixth Sense is second.

You're fucking insane.

It's such a good fucking movie.

Bobby, you're doing this just to argue with me.

I swear to God, I fucking love Signs.

You think that's better than the Sixth Sense?

100%.

The only thing that Sixth Sense had that was great

was the greatest plot twist.

Toni Collette. You're so annoying.
You never saw that coming. You never saw the plot twist coming.
Yeah, the surprise. But, dude.
That's the whole thing. But when my brother and I watch Signs, right? I'm not kidding you, dude.
My brother and I held each other's hand. Yeah.
Right? At the end of the movie. And we started shaking, right? And we – you know how you cry in a movie, right? Sure.
You can't really see the tears until you lock eyes and the glare of the fucking screen hits my fucking tears. Yeah.
And I saw my brother's tears, and we looked at each other, and we started shaking. And then we burst into laughter because it looked ridiculous that we were crying at the same time.
And then we, my brother and I remember us walking down the street for like two hours going, is that the best movie we've ever seen? So yeah. No way.
Yeah, because I'll tell you why I like the movie and this is, okay, it's... Fancy, is Sixth Sense better than Signs? Yes.
Yes, thank you. I didn't think so.
But can I have my own opinion? No. Yes.
You know it's not. I'll tell than signs or sign yes thank you i didn't think think so but can i

have my own opinion no yes you know i'll tell you i'll tell you why also i like it all right okay

and this is the thing it like the movie right it's it's like because my brother this is gonna sound

so dumb and i want to dive into this but i'm going to right please just defend myself right

but because my brother and i right i don't even speak for my brother i'll speak for myself all

right that i believe in some weird thing which is a higher power i believe in higher power

Thank you. But because my brother and I – I don't even want to speak for my brother.
I want to speak for myself, all right? That I believe in some weird thing, which is a higher power. I believe in a higher power too.
Because of my – but it's because of my 12 steps. I know.
I'm not dumb. I know.
But what I believe is that – this is what I believe is that I believe that everything happens for a reason. There are no coincidences, right? And it's like there have been too many things in in my own personal life.
And I'll give you examples, right? If I can give you real deep examples of why I believe that I'm taken care of. You know what I mean? And I don't believe in Jesus.
I just believe that when I see a coincidence I think that it's like something that was meant to be. Right? So that's what the movie's about.
Yes. Right? So the switch for me, I didn't know that the little cups of water around the fucking living room that the little girl leaves around all the time, that, you know what I mean, that that was all meant to be to kill the aliens, right? And the kid had asthma, right? Spoiler! So that the poison doesn't go, what? Spoiler! Fuck you! If you've ever seen signs in, you can fuck yourself! He's right.
That's true. He's right.
No, no, no, you're right. If you haven't seen signs by now, fucking jump off a roof.
Thank you. Yeah.
Right, so all those little things when it happened at the end, yes, in retrospect, it's cheesy. Beyond.
All right, but at the time, right, my brother and I went, oh, that's why the water. Right? And then, oh, he had asthma because, right? And then, you know, and then the mom being clinged to the tree when the car hit the mom.
It was insane. And she was dying, right? And she goes, swing away, Meryl.
Swing away. And that's why she said it.
And he grabbed the thing. so all that stuff at the time when I was watching it

it hit me

because I related to it

it seems like

they just inserted

a bunch of stuff

you know what it seems like

that Sixth Sense

was such a banger

was such a banger

and they were like

dude you got

your sophomore album

gotta be as good

as the freshman one

and he just compiled

a bunch of weird

dumb tropes

and the boy has asthma

and the aliens killed him

it was like

he was just

it was the third movie

by the way

whatever

it was just bad

Unbreakable was great

Thank you. and then he just compiled a bunch of weird, dumb tropes.
And the boy has asthma and the aliens killed him. It was like he was just It was the third movie, by the way.
Whatever. It was just bad.
Unbreakable was great. Unbreakable was good.
Okay. Did you like The Village? Loved The Village.
Okay. Loved it.
We're on the outside. Most people hated it.
Fancy B? I like it a lot too. Those four.
Okay. Because people hate The Village.
Did you see The Village? No. No, she doesn't watch anything.
The village people hated, but I was like, why? I think this is great. But the one thing about signs is now let's go back to the dog thing.
Okay. Right? Yeah.
And when my brother and I saw it, I remember thinking to myself, yeah, that's about right. Why? When I saw this scene.
Why? When they were all – so the aliens are attacking. Yeah.
Right? And now Mel Gibson, Joaquin, and the two kids are in the house. They boarded everything up, right? And then they go, oh, fuck, we forgot the dog that was outside by the barn.
And then they can hear the aliens killing the dog. And in my head, I thought, that's about right.
Because in our home, right, I leave Jules out first before the fucking animals. You're right, you're right, that's ridiculous.
Certain people are going to get left behind. Right, so when you're watching the movie and you see the dog getting killed out by the barn, in my head I'm like, yeah, they would leave the dog out.
You know what I mean? Whereas in Independence Day, right? When, I forgot her name, Will Smith's, she was a stripper in the movie. What's her name? His girlfriend in the movie.
Oh, yeah, what is her name? Oh, God, I like her. And I forgot her name.
Oh, I can't think of her. I can see her face.
I can draw a photo of her. Her name is Fox.
Vivica A. Fox.

Oh, my God.

How annoying.

So annoying.

Vivica A. Fox, right?

Remember when they called their dog?

Because the aliens were attacking.

They were in that, you know, under the tunnel or whatever.

And the car was under.

And they're like, come on.

I feel like black people would do that.

Yeah, yeah.

Come on. It's not a black.

White people would just leave.

That's so not true.

Yeah.

I would do anything for that dog.

Anything.

I'm in love.

I'll see you next time. that.
Come on! White people would just leave. That's so not true.
I would do anything for that dog. Anything.
I'm in love with that dog. Alright, let me ask you this.
Would you give up a liver to put that into that car? 100%. Well, no, you can't live without your liver.
What do you mean? Would I give up like a... What do people get? A kidney.
A kidney. Yeah, of course.
You would, all right. And if they said you might die from giving up the kidney, I go, sure, whatever.
How about they say that- Pandemic is, I don't fucking care anymore. Inside your penis.
Yeah. Right? Yeah.
Inside your penis, there is a blood vessel, right? Yeah. And inside that blood vessel, there's a sack.
Right? There's a little sack in a blood vessel. Okay.
Right? That has, because he's dying from a really specific disease. That's a girl.
She's dying from a very specific disease. The only way we can save this dog is we have to get to that little sack and take the juice, the material in there, and we have to create an antidote.
But the only way we can do that is we have to completely chop your dick off.

Right.

Do you put it back?

Are you guys going to put it back on?

No, we can't put it back.

It just destroys the penis.

Well, okay.

Is there a way for me

to get a cadaver penis?

Can I get another guy's penis?

No, the only way we could do it,

we could take the remains

and take the sensational parts

of your...

Sure.

...and tuck it in.

Oh, give me a vagina?

Yeah, pussy.

Done.

You wouldn't do that! I would love to have a vagina. I've had a dick for 37 years.
Would you let me fuck it? Yes! Be real. Okay, good.
Yes. Let's do it.
But my point is that, so those are my reasons why. You think whites are, yes, you think you value.
And then what did you say? When me and Kalilah called you, what did you say? Something racist? Yeah, you did. What did I say? You said, we eat our dogs.
You do. You guys eat dogs.
No, we don't. Have whites ever been, has there any historical reference of a white eating a dog? No.
Is there some historical? Let me think. Okay.
No. Are there historical references of Asians eating dogs? Yes.
Today? This moment? Probably. I'm saying in this time period.
Probably this moment. Yeah, okay.
So, end of story. I've seen the videos on YouTube.
Have you watched the videos on YouTube? I've seen. You've seen it? Yeah.
Okay. Wait, wait, in real life? Yeah.
Yeah. No, you've seen...
Shh. No, you've seen a dog eaten in real life.
Yeah. Gross.
Done. I'm done.
No, no, no. Let's talk about it.
And you're a bad people. Let's explore it.
And you're a bad people. Let's explore it.
And I'm a problem. How did you see it? It was in my...
Hut. It was in one of our huts.
Like village. In my house.
It was in my house. It was my dog.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
In your village just out in the street? Yeah. It was a stray dog.
Oh, well that makes it okay. Yeah.
Tell me what happened. And then my cousin said that they were going to eat a dog and they invited me.
It was like a dinner party? You get like an invitation in the mail? An evite? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'd love for you to join us for dog this evening.
Yeah, yeah. Do you even know what kind it was? No.
What did you say?

I said no.

Have you ever tasted pup?

No.

You don't want to.

You think that's wrong.

I don't want to, yeah.

But then people there, like if you voiced your opinion, if you were like, hey, I don't think that's okay to eat a dog, did they get mad at you?

Yeah, because it seemed normal there.

Wow, see?

That's crazy.

It's a cultural thing.

But here's the deal.

We eat cow here all the time. And Indians, it's sacred.
So it's disrespectful to the animal. So we say it's crazy only because it's the viewpoint that we have.
Yeah, but when you say, though, that Asians do it, some Asians have. Lots.
Not here in America, though. Lots.
Not in America. You don't think they bring that with them? They bring everything else.
They don't bring it like it's some sort of dance or something. No, the culture.
Yeah, that's a cultural thing. You know what I mean? Do you think some people would come over here and do it over here in secret? Maybe.
Yeah. It's not out of the realm of reality.
Okay, maybe. Why? Just because they fly to a different place, it's like, well, we're going to stop doing what we used to do? Yeah.
That's crazy. How many cultures did your dad and your mom do? What are your cultural things that your dad and your mom do that was from Korea that they wanted to make sure that they passed along and they had here? There were things that they did, right? Yeah, but we do it here as well.
That's my point. Like beat their kids, you mean? Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you yeah, yeah.
Is there nothing indicative of Korean culture that your parents brought over here that we don't do here culturally that they wanted to instill in you guys? Yeah, maybe things around food. Yeah, like what? Like, you know, when you go into...
By the way, things around food, dogs, food. Right.
So the thing we're talking about is the thing that exists. Yeah, you would see when you came to my house, we had a normal-looking kitchen aside from the fact that there was like squid and stuff being hanging.
We have squid, dried squid hanging all over the place. What? Yeah, as if it's like mistletoe or something.
Right? But instead of kissing underneath it, you eat it. Wait a minute.
Drying it out? Just dry squid? Yeah, you just have squid laying around. Why? Just eat later.
I don't know why. Why doesn't it just go in a fridge or something? I don't know.
I have no idea. I never have.
Okay, this is my point. So to them, drying out a golden retriever is not that big of a deal.
Right, and then you would, and it was embarrassing when I had my white friends over, right? I never wanted them to open our refrigerator because then you have to. Ah, yeah.
Right? So then they'd open up and you would see like a gigantic orange jug, right? And they're like, what is that? And then you hit the jar, right? And an eyeball would, foo pie! It's hard to explain. No, but see, there's cultural things that exist when people come over.
Or you go to like, you know, when you guys eat fish, right? When we eat fish, like my mom and my dad, they go right to eyeballs. Right, they eat the worst part first.
Yeah, they dook dook and they stick it in their mouth. It's like, you know what I mean? You don't do that.
No way. No, no way.
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to your door shop confidently with our 100 satisfaction guarantee hurry to blinds.com spring cyber monday sale now save up to 45 with minimum purchase plus a free measure blinds.com rules and restrictions may apply why are you dressed like this what the fuck is going on here oh dude yeah you've been served you've been served i've been served okay this is a bit That's why they're wearing Suits I don't know Yeah it's exactly what it is You think I'm a dum-dum? Yeah I come in here They're wearing raggedy tag Fucking suits Hey first of all Those are expensive Those are Joseph A. Bank suits Yeah Those were two for eight For eight cents What happened? Playtiff This is the Playtiff Andrew Santito He claims claims his podcast co-star refuses to come to the show on time, even though he promised he would.
He's suing for an apology. This is the defendant, Robert Lee.
He says the plaintiff is a big ginger bully who always bosses him around. He contends that being late isn't his fault and it's not a big deal.
He's accused of being a selfish man-baby. Do not throw these papers away.

They're official papers that affect your rights.

Okay.

You may show up to the Bad Friends trial on December 14th.

You're here.

Legal assistance.

We have provided you with the best public defender we could spare.

Do not apologize.

You got a PD.

You have a PD right there.

I don't need you.

Can I defend myself?

Oh my, how offensive. You don't want to use the public defender? That fucking piece of shit? No, I'd rather defend myself.
Your taxes pay for him. I don't care.
Wow. Do I have to use them? No.
All right. I'm going to defend myself.
Would you like to be a part of my counsel then, George? Oh, shit. Yes, then.
Two lawyers. I've got two lawyers.
You know what? I would like an outside help. I want Jules to be my lawyer.
Well, that's Judge Jules. Oh, she's the judge? That's Judge Jules.
I'll defend myself then. I still don't know what the complaint for an apology.
Facts. The plaintiff states that the following facts are true.
Robert Lee is always late, which shows a lack of respect for the plaintiff causing him undue stress. I know, but this is from all the previous times.
I know. So that's right there a fact.
Well, use that in the case. I will.
Okay. Let's start.
Let's start. The Honorable Judge Jules.
Should we all rise? All rise for the Honorable Judge Jules. There you go.
Tell us when to sit. You may sit.
Okay, thank you. Thank you.
The meeting can now start. Oh, great.
Okay, thank you. And your honor.
Your honor. Don't make fun of my lawyer.
Already a bad start. So we're here because my client, Mr.
Andrew Santino, the great Andrew Santino, very punctual Andrew Santino, has been constantly under distress because the defendant here always gets laid, comes laid. It's always not on time, basically.
And we want a formal apology. That's right.
Get off your phone.

We're in the middle of court.

I'm literally having,

I have evidence.

You have,

yeah, so I'm gathering evidence.

So may I look at my phone, please?

I mean, ask the fucking judge.

I have evidence on the phone, right?

So may I look at my phone?

As long as it's all evidence.

As long as it's all evidence.

It is all evidence.

Okay.

And I'll show you. Okay.
And it's all evidence. As long as it's all evidence.
It is all evidence. Okay.

It'll show you. Okay.
And it's coming in.

Okay? So go ahead.

Your Honor, I'd like to present my first my lawyer and I would like to present

our first witness. It's

George Kimmel.

No relation to any of the famous Kimmels.

George,

would you say

on average I am on time to the podcast? I'm sworn to... Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're under oath. Put your hand on your penis real fast.
Put your right hand on your penis. And say, I do solemnly swear to tell the truth.
The whole truth is not about the truth. On my penis, I swear.
Fantastic. And if you don't, so, George, would you say that I'm I'm not even done with the witness.
Can I cross my No, I'm not done with the witness! Would you say that I'm typically on time? I would say Mr. Santino is typically 5 to 15 minutes early.
Would you say that the defendant is not on time, usually? I would That's a matter of depending It depends what you mean by on time. Thank you.
Such a pussy. Would you say, okay, you're correct.
Would you say... Please don't call your witness a pussy by the way.
I said it to you. I know, but I'm the defendant.
He can't hear us. I looked over like in court.
Would you say then, Mr. Kimmel, that Bobby comes after the arranged time that we've agreed to start?

Usually.

Yes.

Yes.

Okay.

Okay.

And do you think, Mr. Kimmel, that playing video games, waiting for Uber, losing your keys, or other reasons like that are a good reason to miss the time? Life happens, Mr.
Rosende. I believe we have all been through a time where we've been forced by life to be late for something.
Have you ever had an Uber? Even when he's a witness, he's still taking your side. Yeah, may I cross your exam? Yeah, sure.
At this point, it doesn't matter. Let me ask you, George.
Before we even started this podcast, did Andrew Santino say that I'll take charge, right? I'll set everything up. Don't worry about it, Bobby.
You know what I mean? Just show up. Show up on time.
No, let me finish. Just show up on time.
Just show up, right? Just show up on time. And let me ask you this, George.
Show up on time? Can he not interrupt me? Ask the judge. Judge, can he not interrupt me so I can, can I? Thank you so much.
Order in the court. Don't tell her't tell her what to say order in the court right I'll take a cheeseburger fries didn't Andrew say right that before we started bad friends you know but way back in the day right that he would take care of everything right and he would set everything up by all the equipment and do all the things right did you not say that objection your honor the lawyer is leading the lawyer is leading the witness.
Hell yeah. Okay.
What? It's leading. You're leading.
Okay. Let me ask you this, okay? Bobby, you may not lead the witness.
Bro, I hope... Let me ask you this question.
This would be bad. When I show up even late...
Have I showed up on time? Let me ask you that before. would we would this would be bad when i when i show up even late have i showed up on time let me ask you that before yes you were on time today exactly i was on time today right and as soon as i showed up were we ready to go or did we wait about 10-15 minutes before we started we were ready to go yeah but did we start when did we start though we were ready to go i know but did we start right when we walked in? Or is there like a 5, 10-minute time where we kind of chat around? When he goes or smokes a cigarette.
Objection, you're on there. And we get...
Let me ask you... That's a real question.
Or do we start right away? The cameras are rolling when you walk in. Right.
But just when we start... I'm not sure which way we're trying to go here.
When we start? When do we start? Do we start as soon as I walk through that door? Yes. No, we't don't argue what are you arguing with the witness all right you can't say that to him okay do not start on time that's always a little we need to warm up you know it's a comedy podcast we need to warm up a little bit beforehand that's exactly what i'm saying okay and the second question i want to ask you okay is is that you know my lifestyle, correct?

Yeah.

Right?

So let me ask you this question, okay?

If somebody had a – let's say somebody had a day job, right?

They were a teacher.

Which you don't.

7 in the morning.

Which you don't. And they end their work around 5 or 6 p.m.

They go home, right?

Right?

And then if that person was asked to show up on right? Yeah. So that's the way they live, right? And they wake up at 1 in the morning to do another job.
My point being is that – my point though being is that – No. Yeah.
My point is that – Not even. Yeah.
Literally finished. My point is that, right? And then the rhythms of what you asked me to do doesn't literally fit into the time frame of when I'm awake and when I'm it goes against the clock in which I live witness witness inspirational Twitch streamer, your A job is to play video games.
Witness, witness, witness. Objection.
Your Honor, this is bullshit. Oh, yes.
This is what happens for not using a lawyer, Mr. Lee.
No, I'm still, I'm fine, I'm fine. I'm completely fine.
No, you're crumbling. Go ahead, attorney, go ahead.
May I make another statement? The attorney can speak. The I speak now, though? She just said no.
Dude, doesn't a lawyer, I'm representing myself, don't I have an opening? But you already represented it. No, don't I have an opening? Don't I have an opening? Don't I have an opening statement that I can have.
May I have my opening statement? No.

No.

You have to listen to the fucking judge.

I don't get my opening statement.

You've been talking for five minutes.

That happens at the beginning.

Yes, opening means begin. You cannot have an opening statement in the middle.

All right.

Judge, please dictate who you'd like to talk.

Attorney can speak now.

Go ahead.

Okay.

I would like to call another witness.

Yeah.

I'm calling Judge Rudy to the stand. Oh, interesting twist.
Okay twist This is an M. Night Shyamalan twist So, Judge Rudy Have you experienced Basically, lateness, tardiness Because of Tito Bobby not being on time? Yes Really? That did happen happen like once in a blue moon or is mostly like a daily thing? A daily thing.
Really? I have no more questions, Your Honor. Really? All right, so.
Dude, I got the best lawyer. Let me ask you this.
I got the best attorney. Let me cross-examine.
All right? All right. Before we came today, right? Yeah.
What were you doing? I was sleeping. You were sleeping, right? You're a teenager.
I know. So did I have to wake you up, right, to get you ready to come here? Yeah.
If I hadn't done that, would you have slept through it? I would have waited for the Kalilah. I know, but with Antikalilah...
You can hit it and tell me to be quiet. If Ante Kalilah didn't say anything, right? Which she wasn't going to, if I didn't.
And didn't wake you up, right? Would you have showed up on time? Would you have slept through it? I wouldn't have slept through it because I have to go with you. I understand that, but I had to have woken you up.
So if I hadn't woken you up, right, you would have slept through the time. Maybe.
Yes. No, no, don't leave.
Yes is leaving. Let me remind you that Judge Rudy is not accused of anything here.
That's right. And let me ask you another thing.
All right. Many times, right, I have to wait for you downstairs.
I do. I go, I'll meet you downstairs.
I say that to you a lot. I'll meet you downstairs and you come down.
Right. And then you kind of slouch your shoulders and eventually you end up there.
Right. Let me ask you, do you think that that kind of behavior might feed into the reason why that we are late to this podcast? No, because you always say 15 minutes and you can come down.
Right, but by me saying that, though, means that I am, you know what I mean, I'm aware of the time, right? I'm aware that we have a destination to go to, right? And I'm the one that's always having to tell you, right, when we have to leave, when we have to go. Because I depend on you.
Alright? I have to speak. Okay, go ahead.
Because I depend on you. I'm awake at 8 in the morning and we record at 3 and you wake up at like 2.50.
No, I don't. You do.
You do. Hit the fucking count.
I also like to say something. May I say something? This is your closing statement right now.
This is it right now. You've got it.
When I was I think I was in 7th grade. I used to take the school bus to school Like most kids I did I know but what the fuck Your honor relevance This is very relevant Let me express my point So one.
How long was the bus? The bus ride was probably 20 minutes long.

Oh, the physical bus.

How big was it?

It wasn't a short bus.

And you know what I mean?

He's making assumptions that I'm retarded.

Excuse me?

That it was a smaller bus.

Excuse me?

It was a smaller bus.

Language.

Your Honor, language.

But by him asking me.

Your Honor.

Besides the bus.

Your Honor.

Means that he wants to fucking imply. That's disgusting imply that I have some sort of mentally retardation.

Your Honor, objection.

Your Honor.

I fucking find that to be blasphemy.

Your Honor.

How fucking dare you.

Your Honor, I am simply asking about buses in San Diego, Your Honor.

I have no idea what they're like down there.

I'm not privy to San Diego buses. Close your statement.
I'm going to finish, all right? So one morning, I woke up five minutes late. I missed the fucking bus, okay? So on the car ride, my mom had to drive me to school.
On the car ride, this really did happen. On the car ride to school, right, that bus that I missed by five minutes got in an accident.
A truck hit it, and four kids went to the emergency room. One kid almost died.
Okay? And that traumatic experience, right, makes me always, like, not want to show up exactly on time. It's one of those traumatic effect that's affected my daily adult life.
Everywhere I go, I'm always about five or ten minutes late because I think that I just never really dealt with that experience. What a manipulative fucking...
What's a manipulative story? It's a story that actually happened. It was really good.
But it was really good manipulation. Right.
So what I'm saying to you right now is that... Is that your closing statement? You're done.
You have to be done. You're dragging.
Your honor. Your honor.
Your honor, please. I'm not fucking done.
Your honor. Your honor, this is insane.
Our closing statement. Your honor.
Alright, alright. You have 10 seconds.
No, I don't have 10 seconds. Don't disrespect the judge.
You have 10 seconds. This ain't fucking Russia, man.
I have my fucking closing statement. No, you already have it.
They don't give you a time limit for closing statement. Yes, the judge can.
No, I've never seen that in any fucking court of fucking show. I'm the judge.
I can say anything. I don't give a fuck, man.
And you know what? You fucking have. You have to say it.
Yeah. I fucking, you're going to get it.
You fucking bitch. Oh, you called me the honorable judge for me.
Oh, my God. You're done for, bud.
I'm sorry. Your Honor, close it up.
I apologize. Yeah, that'll make up for it.
My closing argument is this. The times that these podcasts occur, right, are times where it's very inconvenient for me.
4 p.m. Right.
Very inconvenient for me. 4 p.m., audience, we shoot this show.
All right. That's number two.
Number two, I had a traumatic experience growing up, right, that I haven't really dealt with that has caused me to be five or ten minutes late to every occasion. Number three, I would argue that me being late doesn't really have an effect on the future.
Anybody else but you. It doesn't really have an effect on his life.
He's a millionaire because of podcasting. This is so bullshit.
Five seconds. No, not five seconds.
Four, three, two, one. He makes a lot of money on the road, right?

And this is just all fun and game, and it doesn't affect him, right?

He's a multimillionaire because of this.

That is not true.

And what I'm saying, what I also want to say is that.

Shut up, sir.

Remind him he's under oath.

And I believe that this accusation, right, is just a part of his entitlement, right, to put down a minority. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! A minority comic, right? And this is just his way, right? So let's put that in the books.
Okay. Do you have that recorded? All right, thank you.
Objection, Your Honor. I would think we should strike this statement of the books.
Okay.

Attorney, you can have your final statement. Give me my closing statement.

Attorney, go ahead.

Your Honor, we have abandoned evidence.

The accused doesn't even want to refute the accusation of being late.

I don't understand a word you're saying.

You are late.

This is a fucking talk. This is not Perry Mason.
This is real life. You cannot come here and just say a bunch of bullshit, Your Honor.
He is late. He has been proven late.
45 episodes we recorded. He's been on time twice.
So life can happen once or twice, but not 42 times. So we are, my client is entitled to an apology.
And I'm sure you will find it in your heart and in your brain, your honor, that all the, you know, you can cut through his bullshit

and tell it as it is.

My client deserves

an apology. Your Honor, that's

our closing statement. Your Honor, also, let me just say

No, you're done! You made a closing statement!

You can't say anything anymore.

There are consequences. The meeting

is closed. Hit it harder.

Shut up. You're done.

Your Honor, please give us the judgment.

Okay.

I have decided that

Andrew won

the case, and Andrew

deserves an apology.

Thank you, Your Honor.

We won.

We won, Andres. Yes.
Yes!

Alright. Go ahead.
When you're ready. I'd rather go to prison.
When you're... Your Honor, if he doesn't apologize, what kind of sentence is he going to serve? I'd rather go to prison.
Your Honor, what kind of sentence can we guarantee? Give me the death penalty. What kind of sentence can we guarantee? If he doesn't make an apology, he has to take out all of the trashes.
Hide all his video games. Hide all the video games.
No. That's not going to happen.
And you will tell Auntie Kalilah that he went and got something when he wasn't supposed to. Even if it's not true, right? Yeah.
Good. Okay.
No, I'd rather suffer those consequences. Really? Yeah.
You're not going to apologize. You lost the case, fair and square.
I don't care. I gave you an attorney.
We gave you a public defender. I refuse.
Wow. Yeah.
Okay. You sore loser, dude.
I'm not a sore loser. No, no, you are, because you lost the case fair and square.
I served you. We sued you.
Fuck. You get the fuck out of your form, piece of shit.
No, get in here. And I will call fucking, you know.
If you call, hey, if you call. I want to see his green card.
I also want to do. Run.
I want to see a something I'm a little concerned about when I brought the pup in. Go ahead.
When we take, do you guys have this with your dogs? When you take them on road trips, do you know about anal secretions? Yeah, I get them all the time. No, the dog.
She will, you'll be sitting in the car going on like a long drive. Yeah.
And then all of a sudden you'll be like. Yeah.
Yeah. Julio does that.
We have a dog named Julio that does that. And the puppy does it too.
We took her into the vet because we were like, hey, man, she's like, it's the foulest smelling shit on earth. It doesn't smell like poop.
It smells like, you know what it smells like? Pussy? Dirty vagina. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It smells like dirty vagina. It does.
Dirty vagina a bit? A little bit. But when she does it, she's done it on my shirts and ruined shirts.
Because it's when she's anxious. When she's like this, when there's a lot of action, she gets a little bit like, what's going on? So I was afraid I was going to get some sacriche on the shirt.
Julio does it? Yeah. I just can't believe that the traumatic experience I had as a kid on the pus didn't sway the fucking...
Can I tell you something? Yeah. Because that really did happen.
It was really good, though. That was an incredible defense.
That was really good. It didn't help, but it was good.
But why wouldn't that help? Because you called her a bitch. Oh, that's right.
That's right. You can't call the judge a bitch.
Right, right, right. That's like rule number one.
Don't call the judge. Don't make fun of the judge.
Have you ever seen those videos of people in court being assholes of judges? And the judge is like, yeah, I was just going to give you, like, two years, but now it's, like, six. Like, are you dumb? Yeah, yeah.
I'm the one that doles out the thing. Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, you're done for with that, dude. Yeah.
You can't do that stuff. You've got to be sweet to the judge.
Yeah, but I have to say that I know that was all, you know, for fun. It was not.
That's a real lawsuit, pal. All right, pal.
But I have to say that I know that was all for fun. It was not.
That's a real lawsuit, pal. All right, pal.
But I have to say that you'll never get an apology from me. You did already on an episode.
You did already say I'm sorry. We went through this already.
We've already done this. Did I really? Yeah.
We've already done this. Well, you get one.
You're such a turd. I'm not.
That's not true. You apologized the other day via text over some something you said sorry what was it i'm not gonna talk about it but you said sorry what the apology was you said okay i'm sorry you said i'm sorry and we i'll go back yeah you can look it up yeah let me look it up and if it's too sensitive because i feel like it's a sensitive is it a sensitive thing i mean i don't think you should talk about it live on air i won't but let's go to your thing but you said okay was about.
Oh, yeah, sorry. Hey, not going to...
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what it is.
Yeah. I just think that between you and I, there is the utmost trust.
Okay. Okay.
I'm not even going to... I would like an apology.
Okay. For that, for what you...
Serve me papers and we'll go over it. I will.
Serve me papers. I will.
And we'll go over it live. May I get an apology?

No.

Serve me papers.

All right.

Serve me papers, bitch.

Go through the right channels.

Bitch, because I'm going to say this, right?

You have a lot of nerve.

You fucking roly-poly.

You have so much nerve.

Now you go into names, okay?

Yeah, because I...

You have a lot of fucking nerve.

You got a lot of nerve.

You have a lot of nerve.

You garbage human.

You're a garbage human, right? You have a lot of anger and a lot of nerve. You have a lot of nerve.
You garbage human. You're a garbage human, right? You have a lot of anger and a lot of resentment, and it's ugly.
Cool North Face jacket and North Face beanie, you fucking loser from 20 years ago. Well, why? This is not in fashion? It hasn't been for 20 years, you fucking loser.
What are you, an REI fucking catalog? Grow up, dork. Yeah? Are you a surfer? With your fucking, you know what I mean, loose fucking sweatshirt and your little fucking ocean symbol on your fucking, you've never surfed a day in your life, you piece of shit.
What does this have to do with surfing? Right, it's just the, it's the beach bomb. It looks like a surfer's shirt.
Surfers don't wear shirts in the water, you fucking idiot. And if you're going to wear a puffy jacket, it should have sleeves, you dork.
You look like you're in a fucking surf cabana late at night. Just wear a real jacket, you fucking dork.
They would keep you out of Winssey or North Shore, you piece of shit. Because look at this albino piece of shit at the fucking beach, thinking that he could surf.
No, get the fuck. Go to the snow.
Yeah, I would. Right? And you know what? I'd wear a North Face coat that had sleeves on it, you fucking idiot.
Incomplete coat. An incomplete coat.
That's what you're wearing. This is a very beautiful attire.
A vest. What a dumb idea.
Get a coat. All right, we're done.
We're done with what? We're done with what? Bad. What?

I'm done with that bit.

Yeah, but we're not doing, I'll tell you this.

There are no more apologies in this house.

If you want an apology from me, you can serve me papers.

No, let's be real.

I'm not going to serve you papers.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm not going to ever do this because it's ridiculous.

No, it was efficient.

If you have a resentment.

And you didn't obey the judge's rules.

That's what's annoying. The judge made a judgment call.
You stepped into the courtroom. What the judge doesn't realize is the judge lives with me, right? And what the judge doesn't realize is that there are real-life consequences.
Yeah. Oh, there are.
Oh, there are. Because let me say this.
Like what? What are you going to do? She knows. She has to smell things.
Can you imagine the power that the judge has with her aunt over you? The judge's court is way deeper than your shit. Yeah, that's right.
Think deeply about that. Do something goofball-y with her.
I wish you wouldn't have done this either because this has been a very depressing week for me. Why? I've just been really depressed.
Well, tell me why. There's a lot of elements.
Okay, let's put away the jokes and put away the joking around. There's a lot of elements.
Then let's be serious. I had a really difficult week.
Okay, let's be serious. I'm very down and depressed.
What happened? I'm just like almost borderline suicidal. And then I come into this podcast.
No, I'm just being real, right? Okay's the light at the end of the tunnel. I get to see my body.
And then you serve me papers. And I'm being real, dude.
It's like, oh, this week is worse than I thought it was going to be. You're so dramatic.
No, I'm not being dramatic. It's been such...
Ask my therapist yesterday. Take time out.
Take a time out. So what I'm saying is...
Take a time out. Real fast.
Let me just finish my point. Do you know what those are? What? These are cameras.
Yeah. This is a comedy show.
It's fake. I understand that.
The papers are fake. It doesn't matter.
You know that's not a judge? You know that's just Rudy Jewells? Yeah. This isn't real.
I understand. Do you know that this isn't real? Do you know that George isn't a star witness? Do you know that Andreas not only doesn't have his law degree,

he's not even a fucking citizen in the U.S.

They're going to fuck us.

If you joke around about that, they're going to find out.

They're going to come and they're going to deport him.

Do you realize that?

Because he's not even legally supposed to be here.

Let me tell you something.

Go ahead.

When you're on a scene, you're a TV show guy.

Right? You're an actor. Yes.
Right? You get what you're, a scene You're a TV show guy Right You're an actor Right And it's all fun and games When you're acting in a scene And sometimes there's improvised moments I was in an improvised scene in a movie once And the co-star or the guy I was doing the scene with And he improvised something He goes yeah that's right fatty Oh and, fatty. Oh, and that hurt.
Right, right? And you laugh. You go, ha, ha, ha.
That was a good one, right? And then you get the fucking van. You get in the van.
And they drive you to your car. Yeah.
Right? And you're just, fatty. It hit home.
Yeah. Because he took a piece of reality into art.
It still hurts. Because it was.
Even though it's fun and games. Even though it's fake...
Even though it's fake... It was real.

There's a little bit of truth.

Okay.

Right?

Little kernels of truth.

Okay.

So I'm just letting you know...

Playing a victim.

I'm not playing a victim.

You are.

I had a really bad week.

I'm saying to you as a friend, we're done with the comedy shit right now.

Yeah.

All the jokes are done.

That was all fake.

This was all for fun.

Okay?

Yeah.

This is all a joke.

Tell me why you had a bad week.

I didn't. I didn you had a bad week.
I didn't.

I didn't have a bad week.

It's been a great week.

Go fuck yourselves.

That's what I'm saying.

That was great.

You're dealing with something above you, man.

You're above me?

Yeah, you're dealing with something more twisted.

In what way?

In every way, my friend.

How are you above me?

I'm kidding. Yeah, you're fucking right you are.
I'm doing it again. Yeah, you're fucking right you are.
I'm doing it again, my friend. You're not above shit.
Right. You're not above shit.
Lean back, Cha-Cha. I'm above you.
All right, Pocahontas, lean back. Take a fucking walk.
All right, relax. Take 10,000 steps a day, you fat fuck.
All right, Fonzarelli, you're not the Fonz. You want to be the Fonz so bad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're not that guy. I am the Fonz're Joni And who are you Chachi Yeah fucking right I'm fucking Chachi dude And I'm fucking Joni You know who you are What In Small Wonder Oh here we go Here we go It has to be Small Wonder Go ahead I'm the small wonder fuck you're the little girl yeah yeah no no you're facts of life oh who am i in there corky fuck you facts of life hey yeah you know who's the there was a girl on facts of life can i say something by the way yeah I say something, by the way? Yeah.
Before we get into Facts of Life. What? All this stuff.
Yeah. I love you guys.
Fuck you. I love you.
It's so dumb, dude. I love you, dude.
I'm not buying it. I love you.
Yeah, yeah. What are you doing? This is the happiest part of my day.
Oh, God. Here we go, dude.
No, it really is. You know what I said on the set of Dave? What? I said, they said, what are you doing on your day off? I off i said i'm i'm working what are you working i said i'm shooting i'm doing bad friends and they go what is it yeah they said what is that i said it's a podcast and then two of the crew guys were like we love it we listen to it i said oh yeah yeah and then and then i said it's it's my favorite thing to do it's more fun than any tv job i've ever had it's more fun than any job i've ever had because i tell you what happened to me that.
When I was in Hawaii. This is my favorite thing on earth.
When I was in Hawaii. Yeah.
Because I don't, you didn't text me, but a lot of friends did. Because last Saturday was my AA birthday.
Time out real quick. Yeah.
I called you in Hawaii. We FaceTimed.
I know. I'm just saying that this Saturday.
Oh, for your anniversary? It was my AA anniversary. What do you mean in Hawaii? You weren't in Hawaii this Saturday? No, but I'm going to tell you what happened before Hawaii that relates to that.
But I'm just saying Saturday Okay, well don't bury me on shit that isn't real. I called you the whole time when you were in Hawaii.
No, I know. I know.
It's like, you know. Okay, so I didn't call you on your sober birthday.
If it's my birthday and you called me two months later it doesn't matter. You should call me on my birthday.
I call you on your birthday every year. What are you talking about? I'm done let me finish my fucking thing fine I didn't do your AA birthday I missed it go ahead your AA whatever it's a non-event for you it's an anniversary yeah it has to do with my life but anyway don't roll your eyes it's so when you roll your eyes you roll it all over the fucking place.
I love it. Like a silly Billy.

So you really are a silly Billy.

But so when I was on set, a crew member, like he had tattoos on his neck and to his wrist.

Was he a local Hawaiian guy?

Yeah, but he was half Asian looking.

So half cool, half Asian?

Okay. So that's so dumb.
But really play on words. Very good.
Stumbling? No. Get it out.
So he goes, I'm going to get it out. Tattoos on his neck.
He goes, hey, man, here you go. And he had a box.
Like one of those. It was almost as if there was going to be a ring in it.
And I lifted it. And there was a golden one-year anniversary.
Congratulations. You know what I mean? Sobriety.
Sobriety. And I took it and I go, I don't even know you, man.
He goes, yeah, but I listen to Bad Friends and stuff. And I know that it was your birthday is coming up.
And I wanted to give you that because I'm sober too and really inspire me.

And I looked at him and I go, you know, it's so funny.

Even the guy that I do with bad friends with would never do this.

It wouldn't even cross his mind because he's such a self-serving, selfish kind of a guy.

No, be real.

I said that to him. He goes, I know that about you.
I know you're the fun-loving guy selfish kind of a guy. No, be real.
I said that to him.

He goes, I know that about you.

I know you're the fun-loving guy on The Thing.

And I go, I know.

I'm the fun-loving guy on The Thing.

I'm the joy.

I'm the joy of the show, right?

And I go, I'm the one that gives people the warm feelings.

Right.

And he gives the cold pricklies.

And so I grabbed the thing, right?

And I stuck it right in my fucking front pocket.

And I gave the guy like a little, you know, COVID hug.

You know what I mean?

He had his mask on and whatnot.

Yeah.

And go, thank you for doing something that Andrew would never do.

Mm-hmm.

And we departed.

And that's what I love about human beings.

Let me tell you something what I love about human beings.

When I was in Denver Comedy Works, I was at...

You know what I mean?

It's a true story.

You know what I mean?

It's a 100% true story.

I was moved to tears because a man who says he suffers from mental health issues, because I've spoken very honestly about my mental health issues, I've said it openly. I have depression.
I have anxiety. I suffer from it severely.
And I've gotten help over the years, and it's been very hard. I've connected with my fans, and I've said my truth about it.
And it's very hard for me. And a man came up to me, and he was a veteran.
A veteran for this country. F fought for this country.
Okay? Not a tattoo neck crew guy from a fucking movie shoot. This is a veteran who fought for this fucking country, for the freedoms of this country.
Sure. Okay? Yeah.
And this guy gave me his patch. His patch.
He gave me a patch off his fucking jacket. No, a patch.
He was a pirate? No, a patch that was awarded to him from the military, the U.S. fucking military.
Okay? Piece of shit. A patch that he gave to me and he said, this meant so much to me to get this and I want to give it to you because you've meant so much to me and that's a reflection of how I feel.
Can I finish my fucking story? To get a medal, not a patch, but go ahead. Everyone gets a patch.
No. Go ahead.
Not this. Not this patch that I have at my home.
Not this. Not everyone gets this patch.
Every Boy Scout gets a little patch. And let me tell you something.
Oh, you You're comparing the Boy Scouts to the U.S. military? That's smart.
Smart move. And what he said to me was, this means a lot to me.
And I said, oh, thank you. And he said, you mean a lot to me and what you've done for me has helped.
And I said, I appreciate that. And he said, particularly what you do with Bobby, I think the show is really great.
And I said, oh, thank you so much. And he said, I want you to take this patch and remember me.

Every time you do the show, think about me.

and just remember that I would have killed that when I was over there.

And I gave him a big hug and he kept walking.

And I'll never forget that.

It's the Korean War.

Huh?

Korean War?

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was a Korean War event.

And that's what he said.

Those are not my words.

He said that. It was the Korean War.
Huh? Korean War? Yeah. Yeah.
It was the Korean War event. And that's what he said.
Those are not my words. He said that.
You know that the Americans were in cahoots with South Korea, right? So they were working together, fighting the North. He just knew you who you were.
He just knows what kind of— Right. So he made an assumption that I was North.
Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.
That story didn't happen. I think by the way you look more than anything else.
That story didn't happen. And by the way, that story did happen.
That story didn't happen, and the medal that I got from the guy did happen. That story didn't happen.
I think by the way you look more than anything else. And by the way, that story did happen.

That story didn't happen and the medal that I got from the guy did happen. This story

is real. This is a real thing.

Okay. What he

said at the end? And I have a story after that.

Right?

I'm bummed that my grandfather

didn't kill that guy. Yeah, well

he was too weak. He probably would have never got it done.

There's hostility? No, there's none at all. In fact, well, he was too weak.
He probably would have never got it done. There's hostility?

No, there's none at all.

In fact, this is a very fun episode.

Ellen DeGeneres got COVID.

I know she did.

But I sat down in the car today.

I was with the girls

getting Christmas trees,

which is something that Jules,

the judge, you know what I mean,

didn't really remember.

Judge Jules, did you guys

get a real tree?

Yeah.

How many? $400 on a fucking tree. Why do you say it's so negative? I'm just saying that you would think that when you do good things to the people that you love that's in your house, that they would defend you in a court situation.
Okay. Okay.
Let me make a side note. That story I told was 96% true.
What was false about it? I'll leave it up to the audience.

Then he said he wouldn't kill me.

I don't know what he said. Yeah, that's what it is.
Anyway,

he was a great man that gave me a patch off his

jacket. So anyway,

today when we found out that COVID... Wait, two real trees?

Yeah. When we found out that

COVID got

Ellen.

When Ellen got COVID, I thought, that doesn't surprise me. Why? Why do you say that? She just seems like she would have, like, you know, these social distancing gatherings at her mansion.
Like she's still having parties? Yeah. Yeah, you mean like every Hollywood person is doing? Yeah, some of them are, you know what I mean? And, like, some of them aren't.
You know what I mean? I feel like some, you know what I mean,

are isolating.

Yeah, but here's... It's a reflection

of what people are doing in America. A lot of people

you know what I mean, are still

going to, you know what I mean, shindigs

and gatherings, and some people aren't.

Right. Yeah, but I mean...
She seems like

somebody that would. Oh, you think so? Yeah.

She claims she has no idea

how she got it. Yeah, that's what they say.
I mean, I... You know, I was supposed to do a movie yesterday, right? You can't go because what? He got COVID canceled? Yeah.
Wait, who... So, you know, Dermar is directing this movie.
All right, buddy. Shout out to our buddy, Brandon Dermar.
And I was supposed to do... He wrote me a scene in it.
Yeah. And I was about to drive over there.
And he calls me late Wednesday night and he goes.

Somebody tested.

The lead actress's sister who they lived together got COVID and I can't, you know.

Yeah, but that's great.

But at least they're doing testing.

Yeah, I didn't get to do his movie.

You'll get to do it.

They'll pick it back up.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

What do you mean?

You got somebody else that's in the bubble to do it. Oh, right.
They don't want to bring you into the thing. Oh, my God.
Do you think there's going to be a movie or a TV show that's shot with all actors that have COVID? What do you mean? Like an all COVID cast? That had it or have it at the same time? Both, whatever. If you're like, fuck it, let's just do an all COVID.
Let's just cast people that have had it or have it right now. No.
You should. The whole crew should have it.
Everyone should have it. And then you're like, well, we're doing an all COVID movie.
They should have done an all HIV movie then. They did.
Philadelphia. Yeah, but they didn't actually have it.
Tom got it. Tom Hanks got it.
Oh, he did? Yeah, he got AIDS for it. For the role? Yep.
Oh, he's doing that diet. That guy commits.
Yeah, he's so good. The lesions are so real.

Speaking of which, Tom Hanks was the first guy that got COVID when they saw him.

Remember that?

He was like the first dude.

Oh, you know how shocking that?

Remember we were like, he's going to die.

We didn't know much about it.

I was so annoyed.

I was like, don't kill Tom fucking Hanks.

Yeah.

And then I remember Mikel Arteta got it.

He's a coach.

Anyway.

Oh, I know.

I know who that is.

Yeah.

I know who that is.

He got it and he lived.

Can we answer?

Answer the phone. No, but my mom, mom Her text is She texts me every day And it's like I don't know what the fuck to say What does she say? Sorry I'm a little late I watched Da Vinci Code Good night Love mom Wait did you have a conversation planned No And she just bailed? Oh she's saying, sorry, I'm late texting you late.
She texts me every time, right, at around six. Yeah.
Right? And she goes, I'm a little late. And a lot of this is like, it rained today just enough to cover the ground.
Love you. Good night, sweet dreams.
And I never know how to respond. I'm like, I love you too, mom.
That's sweet. I know, but every single one.
Today, partly cloudy currently. Hey, hey, say cloudy, please.
Okay. Today, partly cloudy currently.
The high temperature was forecast as 81 degrees. The very good weather for me to go outside.
Where does she live? Arizona. Wait, but what part? Phoenix.
I thought she was in northern Arizona. No.
I mean, the watering today. The watering day? Oh, the watering day.
Maybe this is the only day to go outside freely and enjoy it. Love you, my son.
I miss you. I mean, they're sweet.
That's so sweet. But they don't make any sense.
Do you have a text chain with your brother and your mom? No. You don't have any of those? No.
Whoa. What is that about? You don't have any communication with your brother and your mom at the same time you don't have like a i haven't talked to my mom in a year you just she just texted you now we text only no phone call we haven't talked since the bts oh since the since the bts since the bts problem yeah why I don't know.
We text every day.

You do know.

Was it embarrassing for her?

Like, did it put her in a place where she felt like, I'm embarrassed and mad?

I think partly it's, I think her BTS obsession has even gone further down the road.

Where she's like doing creepy shit?

Like she has cutouts and stuff and she's kissing them and dating them?

Yeah, maybe.

You know what I mean?

So what I'm saying is that I think she doesn't want to talk about it.

Thank you. Where she's like doing creepy shit? Like she has cutouts and stuff and she's kissing them and dating them? Yeah, maybe.
You know what I mean?

So what I'm saying is that I think she doesn't want to talk about it.

So she doesn't call and I don't call.

Why don't you call and just break that ice?

Because she texts me every day.

Yeah, I know.

But call her and say like we should start having conversations instead of just these weird texts about the watering outside.

I know.

Let's call her right now.

I love you.

Call her right now. She's sleeping.
Just call her. You're texting her right now.
No, this is from a couple hours ago. She's sleeping.
Just call her. I love you.
Hey, look at me. Call her right now and just go, I just called to tell you I love you.
I don't want to do it right now. We'll do next episode.
Say I called to tell you I love you. We'll do next episode.
Well, for the fans that want to know, we are planning a trip in the new year. That'll be great.
Once we get a vax to bobo's mom we're doing a road trip out uh to phoenix does judge judge rudy get to come or no i don't know can i show you can i listen my so my brother and i and and and so kalilah almost broke up with me last night shut up i'm being real no this is annoying because now you've been fucking around all day with this stuff. What do you mean? You've made a ton of jokes about bullshit.
I'm depressed with a tough week. Is this real? Yeah.
She really tried to break up with you? No, she was really upset last night. What did you do? So downstairs, when I played Warzone at one in the morning, Did you hear it last night? No.
I went crazy.

You turned on the... No, so my brother and I

and my friend

Dylan, who's a drummer,

very talented. 18?

No. 19? He's in his 30s.

And Dylan, he's in the band

Monkshi with my brother.

Right, your brother's band. Your brother's band, yeah.

Okay.

So we're playing Warzone and we were at the last circle.

Sure.

Okay.

So there's five people left on the board.

Okay.

Don't do this.

No, I'm listening.

Just go.

I am.

I just talk slow.

Okay.

No, no, no.

I know, but you're saying even the listeners might not know.

So you're in the last stage with Dylan.

Yeah, so Dylan.

And Dylan's now down. He's dead.
And It's between my brother and I and another guy. My brother, every time when he's in that situation, he does something like he'll shoot at a cloud.
You know what I mean? He'll face the opposite direction and the guy will shoot him in the back. Or my brother will do something ridiculous because he can't handle the pressure.
He gets nervous under pressure. Yeah, he goes, he always says, Bob, where are you? That's the main thing.
Where are they? Where are they? Right, he doesn't know, right? Isn't it showing you on the map where they are? Yeah, but he doesn't know, right? But this last night, he did something, you know what I mean, that was like miraculous. What? He goes, I go, oh, Steve, it's between us and another guy.
But in thinking in my head, he's going to die, my brother, and I'm going to have to fucking finish this guy off. Totally.
Right? So I go, I see my brother. You know what I mean? Oh, what's going on? Right, right? And I see this guy come from a tree with his gun and my brother just goes and downs him.
We win. No way.
And so then we have it recorded if you want to hear it the last 10 seconds of it. I absolutely want to hear it.
Okay, so... By the way, by the way, by the way, side note.
Can the other guy hear you guys? What other guy? When you're like, when you're like, oh, there's one guy left. Can he hear you guys?

What other guy?

When you're like, oh, there's one guy left.

Can he hear you guys talking shit?

You mean the other guy that we're killing?

Yeah.

No.

Okay.

So I'm going to fast forward this to the end.

Put it up to the mic.

Where's Dylan?

I'm dead.

There's one more.

Two versus one, Steve.

He's coughing.

He's right back.

He's back. Why don't back.
He's in back.

Guide him, focus shield.

Yes!

Yes! I did it!

Yes!

I did it!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

I didn't fail!

I didn't fail!

Sorry, guys.

I did not fail!

I triumphed. I didn't fail.
I kept cool. You triumphed.
Yeah, baby. Woo! Felt good.
Felt good. Now that, right? Now when I did that, right? Yeah.
Right? Kalaya was upstairs. 1 a.m.
Yeah. Right.
Just absorbing these screams. Right.
I get it. That's annoying.
It's annoying. Yeah.
So I go up there and I'm like, yeah, I always come up when we win. I always come up with a smile on my face.
Right. You know what I mean? Like.
Right. And she's.
So immediately. She's in bed, by the way.
Yes. Immediately.
My joy. You know what I mean? Because she doesn't really understand, you know.
She doesn't understand that a 49-year-old is celebrating and winning at the end of one in the morning. I think she gets it.
No, it has to do with my brother stepping up and growing. Look, as your friend, I think that's an incredible moment.
Relationship-wise, relationship-wise, it's terrible. It's annoying.
It's annoying. She's right.
Right. It's 1 a.m.
Right. So, you know what I mean? It was a feeling of complete joy and freedom and being proud.
Punished. Right? And then all of a sudden I'm being punished for feeling that.
And then what was you – but did you not say, I'm sorry, we were just having a good time. It was me and Steve and she was like – No, I mean you have to say stuff like, well, I guess the next time I play, I won't say nothing.
You know what I mean? You try to – you know what I mean? You say that. She goes, you say that, but you keep doing – well, I'll just be more mindful about, you know what I mean, my vocal range.
Did she say she would end the relationship because of it? She goes, if this continues, I can't do it anymore. It's that type of thing.
Really? Yeah. That's serious.

It's pretty serious.

Well, can I offer a suggestion?

Stop playing.

No.

Of course you're not going to stop playing.

Thank you.

That's insane.

No way.

That's insane.

Can I offer a suggestion?

Uh-huh.

Soundproof the room.

Yeah, George.

It's the podcast room.

How come you haven't soundproofed it yet?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Time out.

Get in here, George. George, get in here george george get in here get in here right now no george are you trying to tell me stand over there so we can yell you on camera or sit down so we can yell you on camera yeah are you trying to tell me that he's doing the game out of the pod room and it's not properly equipped to equipped to be soundproof so he can play video games in there after hours? Is that what I'm hearing? I've never heard a request to have a soundproof No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's not what's happening here. I need an attorney! No, no, no.
These are assumptions that you should have already. What I'm hearing is Bobby's relationship is getting there's cracks in the concrete and it sounds like you're the construction worker that should be fixing them.
Bobby, when you broke your own screen who bought you a new one? You see him pointing his finger at you real aggressive? Let me ask you a different question. Let me ask you a different question, George.
Isn't Tiger Belly and Bad Friends your two biggest podcasts that you produce yes do you make money from those two things do you think that if Kalilah broke up with me that we would continue Tiger Belly I don't think so and I think that I would be so depressed he I can't do this show. So where would that leave you financially? I'm going to buy – I'm booking a – are you – when's the time to get somebody to – I mean, be real.
I mean, think about – I am real. Right.
This is straight up an emotionally abusive relationship, and I'm here for it. Yeah, I love it.
So soundproof the room. That way, George, we don't have to have Bobby getting in trouble for things that he shouldn't be getting in trouble for.
Because to be quite frank with you, this falls on you, pal. This falls on you, pal.
I'm sorry. You may leave.
I'm sorry, Dalton. You may leave.
I want to say one last thing to our listeners, though, too. George, you're the best.
Can I say something to my listeners? What? You know, a lot of listeners, I know that they think that I'm a man baby, which is true. And I know they do.
They say it all the time. You're a man baby and you're 49 and this is, you know what I mean? And they accuse me of like, you know what I mean, just behaving badly and saying, but this is the reason why this works.
Look, they know it's a comedy show. I know, but some people don't.

They literally think, grow up and all that stuff.

And I want to tell those people, I will not.

I will not change.

Yeah, it's a comedy show. And I'm going to do what I'm going to do.

We're going to continue to be fun.

And everything's working, right?

So go fuck yourself.

Yeah.

This show is fun because we love to poke fun at all this stuff.

People aren't taking it serious.

And if they are, fucking not my pride.

No!

That's the dude. A lot of nerve, pal.
No, honestly, that's rude. I don't give a fuck.
That's so rude. So rude that you wouldn't even come up with that bullshit.
I didn't. My attorney did.
Fuck your attorney. I didn't have a choice.
And he's not going to be your attorney as long as he's going to be in Spain in a week. And you know what? I wasn't going to call you out on this, but I think I'm going to throw you under the bus.
Throw her under the bus. I caught her eating a booger today.
Oh boy. Oh boy.
And I wasn't going to say anything and I looked at you and I go, okay, I get what you're doing. There was no chips.
It was stuck in my mouth, in my teeth. There was no chips.
What kind of chips, Ruth?

Potato chips.

What brand?

I forgot.

Chips, huh?

You don't remember what chips you ate?

I remember every chip I've ever eaten.

They were like chips, like salty, but not chips.

They were air chips.

Anyway, thank you for being a bad friend. Shut the fuck up.
Rudy, don't listen to him. Such a piece of shit.
You're such a fucking intimidating, mean person.

You're so mean.

Shut up.

Okay.

Right?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.