Living Someone's Dream and Chris Rock Hates Us!

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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude.
Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Hello, Jeremiah. Hi, Frank.
Hello, Tonga. Tonga the Kid.
Hello, Patrice. Patrice Bamblunga.
Bambi-a-ya. B-a-ya-ya-ya-ya.
What were you doing in the car? Why were you late? Because I was reading tweets. You know, people think that I'm stupid.
Not true. People think I'm stupid.
What was he doing in the car, Rudy? He was popping his pimple I was reading tweets

And you still have the pimple thing on your nose

I was reading tweets

You know, I haven't seen you in a while

And this is not a really good way to start

You know, it's

Hello, how are you?

How's Hawaii?

Did you say hello, how are you to me?

Let's not fight again

Listen, that last episode where we're fighting It's really vulgar It's good Oh, How's Hawaii? Did you say hello, how are you to me? Let's not fight again. Listen, that last episode where we're fighting, it's really volatile.
It's good. Oh, it's what? Volatile.
It was one of the best episodes we ever made. It doesn't matter.
It's volatile. Let's start out the right way.
Ready? Yeah. Hey, Bob.
See, it's not organic. It doesn't work.
No, because I'm absorbing it. You know what the problem with America is? Oh, God.
Why we're divided? We don't absorb hellos. What are you talking about? We need to start absorbing hellos.
So when somebody says hello, right, our immediate response is hello back, right? Because it's conditioned to do that. We're conditioned to do that.
Well, someone goes hello. Right, so when you say hello, I absorb it.
Hey, Bob. Hello.
Now, what you're not hearing is this. You're not hearing that.
But it's happening. Say hello to me.
Well, let's do it again. Okay.
You say it first. Okay.
Let fun little island um i spent just but first of all my hotel room i i'm it was almost as if like you know a rock band stayed there because you destroyed it it? Yeah What did you do? It just The maids I had to give them an extra 50 Every day? Because I don't have it cleaned every day I let four days pass So wait you leave $50 for every few days? Yeah and then still They're very hesitant of cleaning it Yo that's crazy It's It's insane. I have like fucking sunflower seeds on the wall.

Because you're flicking from bed.

No, from my little Warzone chair.

Right?

Everything's sticky.

They have to throw out that chair.

You know that.

What?

They have to throw out all that furniture.

They do.

Right?

That's so sad.

It's just like blood, cum, everything.

Blood, cum, everything. And they bring a hazmat to you.
It's coming. Yeah, I'm pretty nasty, dude.
Bobby Lee was in this room. Yeah, and I do it fast.
I can make things messy real fast. How many did you order? Do you order extra towels and pillows every day? Oh, it's also food.
I didn't go to a restaurant. Not once? No.
But isn't Hawaii pretty safe, right? Isn't Hawaii safe right now? Because they quarantine. They quarantine.
Way too safe. Did you go to the beach? Bro, when I got there, when I got there, dude, they almost didn't let me in the island.
What do you mean? I was on the island. I was on the island.
I was at the airport. But they wouldn't let me, like, come on.
Because you're Korean? No. That's silly talk.
Well, no. Hawaii.
I don't know. Do they like you guys? They love Korean.
That's silly talk. Is it mostly Japanese people, isn't it? No, it's just Japanese.
Who else is there? The whites are there? Yeah. Okay.
No, because I didn't fill out the... You have to fill out all this paperwork.
Right. And I never did it.
Did you have to do that when you came back to L.A.? I heard there's a paper at LAX that people have to fill out. No, I didn't.
No. No? No, no.
Let me through. They recognized me.
Let's be honest. From what? Bobby Lee.
From what? What do you think people recognize you from? I did a national El Pollo local commercial. I did.
a national local commercial i've um done i was in that um show that nick rutherford did on um what's it called love no nick rutherford has a show on uh what's that cartoon network on adult swim don't swim dream core yeah was it cool Corps? I have one line on that. What was the line? Tricky Ricky is here.
Perfect. Yeah.
I'd give you the gig again. And I didn't even, I memorized that eight months ago.
I still have it. Did anybody recognize you from Bad Friends in Hawaii? Did anybody say I love Bad Friends? They do.
Yeah. And it's funny because it's obviously, you know, I'm walking around Hawaii with a mask on, right?

So obviously, you know, when Asians don't have masks on, it's hard to tell.

Well, people get scared when they see you.

I'm more comfortable when Asians have masks.

But with the mask on, we're like, you know, it's very, we're hard to recognize.

Sure.

But for some reason, my voice people recognize.

Well, yeah, Bob. It's a deep, fucked up voice, right right it's deep for a korean guy i guess yeah yeah you sound it sounds guttural yeah yeah i go excuse me bad friends nice that's the only word i use a little korean guy we were shooting downtown a little korean guy sprinted up to me no one of the background guys why does he have to be little he was very small because i was it a boy well i couldn't hear him at first I had to grab my pictumum off the ground and I had to get.
No. One of the background guys.
Why does he have to be little? He was very small. Was it a boy? Well, I couldn't hear him at first.
I had to grab him. I picked him up off the ground.
Yeah, yeah. And I had to get him up at eyeline.
What do you go? Boss, boss. Hey, are you Andrew, boss? The plane, the plane.
No, and he said, he ran up to me and he says, bad friends, bad friends. My favorite show.
Really? Say hi to Bob, please. And I said, of course, of course.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was like so wide-eyed and happy, so he says hi.
What's his name? Something Kim, I guess. I don't like it.
Memorize the name. Wong Park? Yeah, yeah.
I don't know. Do you get recognized often? Well, I don't go anywhere anymore.
I mean, even before, though. No.
No. No.
How many times a day? One, maybe. And how does it make you feel? It was...
I don't know. It depends on the scenario.
If I'm at a restaurant just wanting to eat and pass the time and talking to somebody, it is what it is. I'd rather just keep going.
But do you remember the first time you got recognized? Maybe. Yeah, yes.
No, I do think I I do. Of course you do.
Yeah. The first thing.
Yeah. Of course.
And then what happened? It felt incredible. It does at first, right? Yeah.
It changes you. Yeah.
It does change you. Wait, wait, wait.
This is very uncomfortable to talk about. Well, it's just weird.
It's weird to talk about, but I'd like to talk about it. Well, hold on.
So what happened? Well, I got recognized. The first thing I did was punked and I got recognized for.
You got recognized for punked? Well, because we did promo for Jimmy Kimmel. And I went on Jimmy Kimmel and I climbed on his desk in a Speedo and Guillermo tased me.
I'm in a Speedo and Guillermo tased me. And Justin Bieber was on.
So it was just a big or a big viewed you know yeah Jimmy Kimmel episode and like three or four days later I was walking on Third or Beverly one of those where all the restaurants are and a kid goes I saw you I saw you naked on Kimmel and I was like I was in a Speedo and he was like yeah it was gross that was funny and I was like oh thanks and then it made me sad about that I was gross because my, I was in a Speedo. And he was like, yeah, it was gross.
That was funny. And I was like, oh, thanks.

And then it made me sad that I was gross because my body was gross on Kimmel.

And then I thought, well, I got to get in shape.

And that literally was like part of the impetus of me.

Oh, really?

100%.

Oh, wow.

Because I saw the photos and it was like my little penis is in the little Speedo.

Yeah.

My little tiny penis.

It is a little penis.

Yes.

And my doughy midsection was spilling over the speedo

and I was like oh shit

that's how people

before you see yourself on TV

you don't know how bad a shape you might be in

and then once you see what you look like on TV

I have eyes in a mirror

yeah but you don't really know

until you see it amongst other people on TV

yeah I know how fucked up my body is

well you've always had a bad body though

you never were in shape

you've always had a bad body

I know but it's been good for me

yeah no it works

I'm sorry. Yeah, I know how fucked up my body is.
Well, you've always had a bad body, though. Whoa.
You never were in shape.

You've always had a bad body.

I know.

But it's been good for me.

Yeah, no, it works.

No, it feels normal to me, though.

Sure.

Yeah, I don't feel like, oh, I'm jiggly.

I can hardly walk.

Well, do you jiggle at all when you walk?

I wobble.

Yeah, but I don't jiggle.

That's why we call it Weeble Wobble. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But I do wobble the fuck out of things.

You're kind of like one of those punching bags.

You know, they wobble back and forth.

Do you ever get recognized, Rudy?

No.

Never?

No.

It's going to happen, though.

It's going to happen.

Just wait.

The first time I had...

So I did the Tonight Show in 2000.

Oh, earlier.

Okay.

I thought it was one of the original with Carson.

I mean, you're 50.

You could have done... You literally could have done...

I couldn't have.

How not?

Carson did it until the 70s.

Late...

In the 80s.

No, he went to the 80s.

You just couldn't have.

Yeah, you could have.

Stand up?

I couldn't have.

I just couldn't have.

That's crazy.

Yeah, because you were busy...

Yeah, you were losing it.

2000... You just rattled me Shut up, 2001

No, don't do that either

Let me absorb it

Okay, ready, absorb it

When did you do the Tonight Show, Bob?

Sometime in 2000

Not in the 70s

It was Leno, not Carson

So I did it

And then two weeks later

Never got recognized

But two weeks later Never got recognized But two weeks later I was at the Panikin Coffee Shop in La Jolla Because I was doing La Jolla At the comedy store And the Panikin is a place I used to work Panikin Yeah, it's a coffee shop in La Jolla I used to do the morning shifts You have to have to wake up five in the morning. It's where I ground up the cockroaches.
Oh, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I remember, so now I'm back at the Panikin after doing the Tonight Show. And no one's recognized.
It's fine. I wasn't thinking about it.
Right. And a young lady and her mother was at a table.
And I'm just drinking my coffee. And I have my legs crossed like this.
You're right. And I think you could smoke at that time.
So I was smoking. And she goes, excuse me.
I go, yes. And she goes, did you do the Tonight Show a couple weeks ago as a stand-up? I go, yes, I did.
She goes, it was pretty good. That's good.
Pretty good is good. It fucked me up for like six months.
Why? Pretty good? Pretty good is terrible. No.
Pretty good? What did you want her to say? It was really good. But it wasn't.
I know. I know.
So that's what I was thinking about, like what I could have done better. But to me, when you do a set, right? Yeah.
When somebody says it was pretty good, you don't feel good. Well, when someone says the set is pretty good after you've just done a live show, that means it's really bad.
When somebody goes, pretty good. Oh, so time, it's like wine.
Time. I see.
Yeah. It's settled a little bit.
Also, television is way different than live. So when somebody goes, that TV set was pretty good, it's probably pretty good.

When somebody sees you live and goes, yeah.

I don't like the band Creed.

Why?

I just don't, right?

With arms wide open.

Yeah, but if I saw the lead singer walking down, I'd be like, I love you guys.

Why?

Just because I want them to feel good.

I would ignore them.

No.

I would just keep moving.

I go, I love all your albums. I hate them.
But I would say it to him to feel good I would ignore him no I would just keep moving I go I love that all your albums I hate them but I would say it to make him feel good if I've seen comics right what if you just don't say anything at all I've seen comics not do well at all right name them right no no I wouldn't name them stop it alright but one of them name one or I've seen like I don't want to hurt his feelings but do it no I'm not I'm not going to do it. Give me the initials.
Let me know. Let me think of a good one that wouldn't be hurt.
Or I've seen Whitney have an okay set. Right, like not so good.
Yes, one time she had an okay set. Not so good.
And afterwards I said, oh, that was amazing. Why did you do that? Just to make her feel better Chris Rock Chris Rock watched me go up in the OR yeah uh do you ever have you ever been there when Rock is there late like sometimes Rock will he stays at the hotel next door and he'll just walk in late and he'll just watch late sets I saw this car get towed once from the club? yeah he parked right in front of the club and while he was on stage they towed? they towed him oh my god and then when off all right i'm the one that had to tell him oh no yeah and he did not look good was this recently or when you were working way back in the day when you were working there yeah oh this is way back this is before bring your pain bring the pain bring the pain whatever bring your pain whatever that's actually a good title bring your pain to my show bring your pain anyway rock was in the bucket seats and he showed up late and i had i had pushed my set because i had done the improv changed their time and the factory changed their time and then i told adam i'm gonna be late so i was late so then my spot you know your spot slides down and i slid down i said i'll still do it and it was a late spot there was barely anybody in the room i'm like i guess i'll just try some new shit i get up there you know those you know those nights when you're like whatever's nobody here.
It's like a Tuesday. So I get up there.
I'm trying a bunch of new shit. It's going like mediocre, but it's fine.
In my head, I'm like, this is fine. This is exactly what I wanted.
It's a bunch of new stuff. I get off stage.
I go to sit down to look at my phone to turn off my recorder. Rock sitting next to me.
And I was like, fuck. Fuck.
And I turn hey and i was like hey what's up yeah and i just sat there on my phone and then before he gets up he kind of is like you know like looking to get up and leave without it being like weird because we i just sat right next to him and he kind of goes turns to me and he just goes a good set man and And then he walks away. And I was like, no, he knows.
He knows. He knows how bad it was.
And when you say good set man. And walk away.
It's not good. So now he'll remember that.
Who, that kid? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nah.
Did I tell you what happened to me with him at Caroline's? Uh-uh. Oh, my God.
This is the reason why I don't carolines i'll they've asked i'll just say no because of this one experience did you used to play it all the time all the time i've only played it once so um this is before tiger belly or bad friends or anything i'd like i just didn't have an audience yeah you did i had were dwindling. Sure.
Right? So I would like sell okay tickets one show. Right.
And then there'd be some shows that would be completely not good. Right.
Like 20, 30 people. Right.
This one particular night, it was a Saturday night, second show, and just no tickets were sold. Zero.
I mean, I had maybe 12 people. Saturday night in New York is so hard.
It's so hard. And then also, I remember this night because my friend, Bess Hanley, came from Long Island.
Because she had moved to Long Island. Yeah.
I mean, I knew her from San Diego. And she brought her husband.
And she had this, you know, because I could see her. She was like up to the left.
Right. And this is her face through my whole set.
She's trying to read something from far away. Yeah, just like confused and like also like very concerned.
Yeah. Like he might need to get a job.
Were you bombing? It was not good. It was just you, yeah.
And it got to the, because I, you know, I do this thing at the end of my set. Where you show your penis.
Where I get completely naked and I run around. It's the closer.
It's my closer. It's very humiliating.
They call it the career closer. So, this is so humiliating.
So, 15 minutes on my set, I just decided to do it in the middle. I just said, I got to do it now.
In the middle of the show?

I'm bombing so bad, right?

I don't know what the fuck to do.

You're like, I'll just... And also, I knew it was okay because at the time, Paul Mooney did a third show.

I don't understand.

So on Saturday nights, Paul Mooney had like a kind of...

He was a...

He was like 7, 10 midnight or something?

Yeah, he was like the midnight show. But he came early and they're like you can go short because paul's here and there's a big crowd outside to see paul of course of course yeah and also you have people have to realize that when paul mooney performs you know everyone shows up no matter what city you're in like if you're in la paul mooney performed eddie murphy and everyone would show up%.
Right? So I knew Paul Moody. So I go, I just do it now and get out.
And just say, oh, Paul's performing or whatever. And I'm on stage.
I'm sweating. It's cold as fuck.
I'm sweating. Yeah.
And I'm naked. And no one's laughing.
People are kind of getting right? My friend Bess's face is even getting worse

down here like this, like anger almost.

And I remember just picking up my clothes.

Good night!

No cheer, right?

Walking up.

And then I just remember sweat and tears welling up, right?

And it was just terrible.

And you sat in that tiny little green room they have?

Yeah, so there's a scream up to the left, right?

Yeah.

So I see a guy leaning against the wall in the corner.

I don't know who it is.

Oh, yeah.

I don't know who it is Oh, yeah I don't know who it is I have my clothes And I'm walking, I'm walking, I'm walking Completely naked, by the way, right? And I realize as I get closer I go, if that's Chris Rock I swear to fucking God Oh, no I'm gonna quit So I see it's Chris. So I go, I don't know what else to say.
So I go, Hey. I go, I go, Hey.
What up, man? Right? I'm shaking. Hey, what up, man? What up, man? And what he said to me has been ingrained into my psyche.
It's what I wake up to. It's what I sleep with.
Yeah. What are you doing, man? You should get that tattooed on you.
What are you doing, man? And here's my response. I don don't know and i remember being in that green room dressing right and i remember thinking to myself i'm gonna stay for paul moon no no no i got my leave and i just wandered into the city gone yeah gone those nights you deserve to disappear i have there's 10 shows in my life that almost ruined you that that there was, I had a fucking show at Cobbs.
Al Magical saw it, where I went to the kitchen, and I literally got on my hands and knees, and I, and I looked up in the sky, and just cried. It was that terrible.
Natasha Legger was there, and I just went going, ah! I mean, there's, there's 10 of them in my life that stays with me shows forever that were so bad yeah and and there are always like situations where um it could have

ruined me like that show with it at cobs yeah was zuckerberg it was for facebook what yeah so

facebook was rented out cobs and they get us the best comics it was me ian edwards natasha

Thank you. Zuckerberg it was for Facebook what? yeah so Facebook was rented out Cobbs and they get us the best comics it was me Ian Edwards Natasha Leggero Al Magical I thought they said the best comics back in the alright come on but at the time yeah no no no great yeah all good very good comics and so and I had to close right but by that by that time, they were drunk.
Yeah. And I just remember like, people are dancing.
There's music playing for some reason. I'm on stage and people are just, like the party started.
People are just, Zuckerberg, everyone's just dancing, right? And I'm telling my jokes, right? People are just dancing, not even paying attention, right? I remember just putting the mic back in, going, getting on my knees and just screaming crying crying in the kitchen oh my god it was terrible i bet you played there again magical loved it you never played cobs again after that no that's the reason so people so i played the punchline yeah right which is like 150 seats well they're owned by the same person i don't know so cobs is like you know i could make four more money 425 and every year they go bobby you're different now you can sell it out you can make so much money and i go i won't enter that because that was that that cobs is where dr ken jung physically assaulted me when he when when you guys uh yeah so the cobs has there's always like these these events in my life yeah that life that are granted in my memory that I, like, I just can't.

So whenever I walk in, I get, like, this PTSD kind of, like, oh, that's where I had the broke dead.

This is where Ken attacked me.

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Apparently there was a rumor that, you know that's like a hotel up above and it was like a halfway house?

There was a rumor that one time a guy died.

And you know when you die, you like begin to leak?

Your body like leaks after a few days.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

And he leaked through the ceiling.

That's gross.

Like the zip?

That's gross. No, seriously.
He leaked through the ceiling. That's gross.
Like the zip? That's gross.

No, seriously.

He leaked through the floor.

Wait, so your body liquefies,

absorbs into the wood?

When you die,

after a few days,

you start to disintegrate and the liquid inside of you

leaks out of your body.

Ugh.

And he leaked through the ceiling

and they had to replace the ceiling. And I'm not kidding.
The only reason i think i remember this is because when i was there in last year they had a leak from the hotel again because someone had flooded their apartment or whatever and it was leaking into the club there was a water dude i'm on stage i'm on stage and i hear this i'm like what the fuck i look there a bucket. And the audience is laughing because they've already addressed it.
Nobody told me. I had no idea.
I look up. There's a leak coming out of the fucking ceiling.
And all I could think of was, is this a dead guy? It's the dead guy's apartment? Yeah, yeah, yeah. They said that some guy had leaked through.
He had done drugs. Your body, I did not know that about the human body.
You know that, Rudy? Kind of. What do you know about the human body? What do you mean kind of? When the body dies.
You do, you don't. What have you heard when the body dies? I know that the body, what's the word that you use? Well, it disintegrates.
It does kind of slowly. It decomposes.
It decomposes, yeah. But yeah, I know that the liquids go out.
They come out. Yeah.
You know like most dead bodies just poop, poop, poop. Yeah.
Whenever I watch like forensic shows and stuff like that, I just – and a lot of people want to do that as a business. Why? Why would you want to do that? There's a guy on Twitter.
There's an account on Twitter or TikTok or something. And they show you when they go into crime scenes after they're done or when people die in in their apartment it's insane they wear hazmat suits they have to like clean and disinfect everything there's so much when someone dies there's so much shit everywhere yeah blood poop it's it's insane how much blood and poop yeah because if i was a forensics guy i watched so many movies that i would do things that they do in movies and then it's probably not something that you would do in real life.

So they'd be like,

what are you doing?

Right?

Like, you know,

if I was at a crime scene

and I would like

take the refrigerator

and like pull it forward

and they're like,

what are you doing?

I go, there could be

a sign back there.

Looking for evidence.

Yeah, yeah, sloth.

You know what I mean?

Or whatever, you know what I mean?

Like he had a heart attack

right here.

Yeah.

Who knows?

Who knows?

I'm ripping out the ceiling.

You see seven?

Yeah, seven, yeah.

I would do things based on like the movies, you know? right you come in eating a sandwich bobby yeah this is a crime scene yeah or like i would put the stuff on that you know like in um um silence of the lambs where they put the stuff underneath the nose i've always wanted to know what that smelled like oh i'm obviously not good. No, the stuff that you do to...
Yeah, it's got to be super strong to mask everything. It must smell delicious, though.
Maybe it's like... Because it's shit, right? It smells like shit.
It's probably vapor rub. It's like Vicks.
It's probably like menthol. It's strong menthol.
You think so? It's got to be. What else can block the smell? What else is that strong? I always think it's like some sort of like, you know, like a dragon fruit.
Ooh. Yeah, like a dragon fruity kind of like a little mandarin liche like really kind of um light you know i mean sweet you think yeah or something that maybe mixes well with dead things so it's a with a combination of poop and that makes a good smell yeah right it's a chemical reaction i always wanted to know what that smelled like it's like hot hands you know what hot hands are yeah it can, it can't just be something you buy at fucking 7-Eleven No, no, that's special order type of shit You gotta know someone that has like those The hookups for like industrial strength Things to be able to even get the chemical Compounds to do that To be able to have the reaction You can't buy it at Walgreens You gotta have a hookup I hookup.
I don't want to go dark, but I'm going to... Let's do it.

I don't know why, but that reminds me of that...

I don't know what the kid's name is,

but there was a kid

who was maybe 11

years old, 12 years old.

Right? And he

wakes up one day

and he has a mom

where he lives in an apartment. He has a sister as well.
Is it a real story? It's a real story. He wakes up one day, this He has a mom Right he lives in an apartment He has a sister as well Is it a real story? It's a real story Okay He wakes up one day This 12 year old kid And he goes He gets in a little argument With his mom Like you know I want to go out and play And she's like No you can't Or whatever So he decides to go take his Like Playstation controller Wire And he strangles his mom What yeah he dies and then um he cuts her brain like he cuts her skull skull yeah yeah by the way this is why they have wireless controllers now you know that with this one moment yeah and then um he decides to stick his finger stop it no i'm not kidding you no yeah in her head in her head he wanted to know what it felt like right so he He stick his finger.
Stop it. No, I'm not kidding you.
No. Yeah.

In her head?

In her head.

He wanted to know what it felt like.

Right?

So he took his finger and he went and mixed it.

He wanted to mix the brain, he said.

Maybe give her a different thought.

Right.

Then what this little kid, why he's wild, this kid.

What he does is.

I already know.

What?

He puts his penis in there.

Not the brain, the pussy.

He has sex with his dead mom?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, no, no, no, no. Not the brain.
That's crazy. That would be sick.
It'd be funny. Yeah.
Right? It'd be funny. Yeah.
He had sex with his dead mom with a hole in her head? Yeah. And then, this is, he waits for his sister.
Because he's going to do the same thing. Yeah, but you know what's so funny? Well, I don't know if this is funny.
You know what's so funny? So this is what he does to turn himself in. He goes next door.
There's this old white people. Yeah.
Right? This old white people. This couple living in the house.
He rings the doorbell and he stands there, right? Hello, William. He's got brain on his face, on his fingers.
You know what I mean? He's like, he's got his mom's, you know, vaginal juice in his face, sweating. You know what I mean? Yeah.
And he goes, good evening. And they go, young man, what's the matter? I fucked my mom.
No brain. You know, he fucking.
he just told him told him

yeah he's like

I killed

killed my parents

squished my brain

just because

just because she said

no to something

what's his name

Kevin Davis

are you sure

how was he able

to choke his mom

when he was 11

sorry

oh did you hear

time out

did you hear what

Rudy just said

what

say it

how was he able

to choke his mom

when he was just 11

those cords

or Sorry Time out Did you hear what Rudy just said Say it How was he able to choke his mom when he was just 11

Those cords are hard to break

I mean

Yeah yeah that is Kevin Davis

So he choked his mom

She's got a good point though

He was really strong at 11 years old

He looks like an engineer

Ew that's the kid

Jesus Christ what an ugly looking kid

I know

That's the mom

Oh poor mom

And he was 11 years old

Thank you. Ew, that's the kid? Yeah.
Jesus Christ, what an ugly looking kid. I know.
That's the mom. Oh, poor mom.
And he was 11 years old? He's like, how old was he? Well, you're on it. I'm 14 maybe.
You're looking right now. Maybe I exaggerated.
Rudy, good call. How can you, an 11-year-old choking out a mom is pretty strong.
Well, maybe he was a strong kid and she was- He was 15? Seven. Oh, I'm sorry.
Huge gap. Massive difference.
I know, but you know, when I tell stories, it has to has to be that I understand so this kid is 5 and he's beating the shit out of his father 17 how gross yeah how gross still young so young yeah I got a new show what's it called How To with John Williams HBO. Maybe one of the funniest shows I've ever seen in my entire life.
It's called How To. How To with John Williams, I believe is the name.
John Williams. Nathan Fielder executive produced it.
You know Nathan Fielder from Nathan for You, right? This kid, this guy, this man makes me laugh so fucking hard. How To with John Williams.
You must watch. John Wilson.
Sorry, John Wilson. This guy made me laugh so hard.
He's basically like a filmmaker, and he goes around New York, and he kind of jumps scenario to scenario to scenario, and you follow him along this brilliant line of just free-form comedy thinking. It's a documentary? It's a comedy docu-ser's behind the camera.
You don't really ever, you don't ever get to see him. You just hear him narrate the whole thing.
Fascinating. Bob, fascinating.
It's so funny. I'll watch it.
It's just, it's just such a weird. I like watching comedies that don't have comedians in it.
Yeah. He's, he's definitely just like kind of Nathan Fielder was like a super straight man.
Yeah. He's a's a comic, but he's a straight man.
I should be better at that. Being a straight man? No, to be able to support friends and things.
You do. You do.
You do. You support Davey.
You talk about my show Davey all the time. I don't watch it though.
Of course not. I know, but it's like I want to be able to like go watch something that my that's my friends are in i think if you fall upon it naturally it's probably better yeah but do you watch things that your friends are in um uh no no no but why oh that's not true i mean i saw love and you were in love yeah but you didn't know i was and i had three lines that's right Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What else? Yeah, I'm trying to think of the shows that my friends are on that I watched, but like, no. There's shows that I wish I was friends with the people on the shows.
Like what we do in the shadows, I wish I was friends with them. Oh, right.
Because I think they're all – I know one guy in there. They're brilliant.
The TV show? Yeah. Who, Matt? Yeah.
He's so – So funny. Beyond talented.
But – Like most of of the things i watch i don't have anybody that i know in it but also like what are our friends in that we should be watching what's in some what's something that we should be seeing when the league was out did you watch that i saw a couple episodes but did you yeah yeah yeah no i did i did i watch i would watch it i'd watch it i i don't i don't appointment view tv ever i never was like i gotta watch it Workaholics. You ever watch that? Sure.
I did. I'd watch it.
I would watch it. I'd watch it.
I don't appointment view TV ever.

I never was like, I got to watch it.

Workaholics, you ever watch that?

Sure.

I saw some of those too.

Yeah.

But I never watch things habitually.

I don't ever do that.

Now that we're in this time of like,

I can consume all the episodes I want.

Like I can sit and watch How To.

I can watch them all in one night and then I'm done.

But that wasn't the way years ago.

You used to, you know, it's like,

oh, I saw this episode. I see that episode.
Yeah, but as a kid, I was a fan. Like, I would watch anything comedy-wise.
No matter what it was. But it was scheduled comedy.
Like, it was Tuesday night. No, it was even just movies.
Like, even if it was like a movie, right, that like, you know, I knew three people in. But are they making comedy movies anymore? No, even, do you not get what I'm saying I'm saying well like what you're saying you would watch it even if you knew one person and they had one line it just takes me out of it because you know them now it takes me out of it right yeah I don't know what it is it's like they could be the best actor it just kind of just makes me go ah who do you think you're friends with that's the best actor what what which one of your friends literally the best actor out of all your friends? That's a good question.
That even the public would go, yeah, that person is probably – That I know personally? Yeah, that you're actually friends with, not someone that you like. And they have to be a stand-up? No, just the best actor that you're friends with.
Like someone that – I think that the best actor that I know is Stone Street eric yeah i mean he's a very talented actor he's a good actor yeah he's a good actor he's a really good actor and he's won emmys yeah so that's pretty good yeah what else um you think you'll ever win a trophy seriously no do you not care i just too too scared. Of being good? No, I just know myself on sets, and I'm just confused.
Right. I don't think they're confused.
You think they know exactly? I don't know what's going on. They know exactly what they're doing.
Like, there's like, this is so embarrassing to say. Give it.
This is so embarrassing. But...
This is so embarrassing. I have to say it so when i was i didn't when i just was in hawaii yeah right i don't read the scripts do you read the scripts yes what you read the whole script it's your job i don't read it you've never read the script no i don't know what's going on so how do you know what scene you're doing I always go I tell whoever the guy is Right A PA Yeah Night before Just send me the sides Right they do Yeah They email them to you Yeah so I read the sides But you don't read the full episode No no no So sometimes I don't know The context of why I'm saying certain things You know what I mean That's a huge Yeah.
So like there was a line where I got, so there was this old lady there, right? Mm-hmm. And we're having this banter back and forth, right? I don't know who this old lady is, right? I know her name, real name is Jade Wu.
She's from New York. She's an old Asian actress.
She's done a million things. Stop saying old.
Older. She's 67.
Older. Older.
Yeah. And so we hung out.
You know what I mean? We smoked cigarettes together. We banter about, you know what I mean? Life and pandemic or whatnot.
Did you guys squat while you smoked? Were you squat? No, we don't. We have chairs, man.
Don't be like that. I just, in my head, you and a little Asian woman squatting and smoking.
So I can't believe, I never thought that. So there was this line where I'm saying like, you know, if you were younger I would date you.
Right? And... Time out, would you? No, but in the line I say that, right? But I thought I was being literal.
Oh, you're, oh, right. Right? Because I don't know our relationship.
You don't know the context. Because you didn't read the fucking script.
Yeah, so I was like I was like reading it like you know what I mean you know if you were younger I would date you like like I was being real yeah you were being literal literal and then cut cut and people talking right you could hear people talking and they come to me and you go dude you're it's you're joking and you're like that's mean and I wouldn't joke about that and I go oh right but then it's like then everyone realizes that you don't read the script that I don't read the script right and there's like a little bit of embarrassment going on sure right where I go sorry I don't read the scripts I say it out loud but they don't care I know but I know, but still, I should read it. Yes.
Yeah. Yeah.
But. Yes.
So I'm doing this. I want people to make an announcement.
Please. Don't roll your eyes on that.
I didn't. It's fucking rude.
I didn't. But I got a big movie.
Bob. Okay.
What is it? I can't tell you what it is. Well, then why even bring it up? Because they won't let me.
But I got a big movie, and I'm the second lead in it.

Wow.

Okay.

Can you say who else is in it?

No, I don't want to.

Cover your mouth. December 12th, I'm going to be in Phoenix

There's some tickets left for me

I'm doing a couple shows in Phoenix

One time only desert show

Rick Bronson's room?

No I'm going to be downtown

Oh you're doing

Jules's room

That's a great room

Phoenix

December 12th

Go to my website

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Rules and restrictions may apply. I've never read any script, right? I've done a thousand things, right? But I'm starting to do it.
Yeah. And how was the script? Really good.
Really funny. Did you say yes before you got the offer or like, did you say yes before you read it? No, because I had to read it first before I had the meeting because I had to still vie for the job right because you were still nervous you might not land no i had to they wanted they didn't offer it to me i had to have a zoom meeting right to talk about the script they just wanted to prove that you could read the script right so like when i was in the zoom call yeah i had to talk about it right, yeah, I think my character is very interesting because he changes and shifts through, you know what I mean? And you have to talk about, right? You have to bullshit.
You bullshit your way through it. And I had to immerse myself in the material.
I know how to do it. When I read a script, I understand it.
I understand what characters do and whatnot. I'm just so lazy.
Yeah. I just don't do it.
You know what you could do next time is hire somebody

to read it for you.

I found that reading it, right,

and then also convincing them

that I was the right guy for the job,

it made me less nervous

about even doing it, really.

When you read scripts,

do you envision it

or you're just kind of getting through it?

This time I did.

I was envisioning it. And also, I just...
here's the one thing that i've never done before i've never done before where i read it i was like i can't wait to do this but so i read that but um and it's you know i'll be honest with you everybody listening is that you know i'm getting you know andrew too i think feel like you too that we're getting a lot of you know love from bad friends bad friends is my favorite no being real i think so am i i like doing this more than i like doing anything else i'm just saying though that are you listening kind of yeah that i feel like what we're doing george you know Alonzo Rudy

I think what we're doing here

Is What we're doing, George, you know, Alonzo, Rudy, I think what we're doing here is a good thing. I think it's a wonderful thing.
Don't be like that. I'm beyond genuine right now.
This is my favorite thing. Do you think I'm kidding when I say this? I like doing this more than I like doing stand-up, more than I like doing Dave.
It's just I get to come here and be free with my friend. It's like my favorite thing on earth.
I don't dislike any – not to disrespect the other things. This is the most fun I get to have.
Yeah. And I, unlike you, I do like to read the scripts, and I don't get offered anything.
So maybe I should go to not reading them because you – You do so many things, dude. You beat me out of a roll.
I already told you that. It's fine.
But that being said, on this transitional note,

Rudy, as we know, likes bad scripts.

She likes terrible stuff that have no

depth, no character development.

And so, in lieu of this, Rudy...

This is her request.

She wants us to read a scene

from Hunter x Hunter, her

favorite show. And we'll let the

fans decide if this is quality material or not.

Who am I going to play? Which one am I? Andres? You're Kalua. I'm Kalua.
I'm Ekalgo? Yes. Which one? You're Ekalgo.
Well, go ahead and tell us how to say the names. You're the expert.
Kiloa and Ekalgo. Ekal it? This is my wig that they got for me.

Do you want to wear this?

No, you can wear it. It's not going to fit on your head.

Well, because I need to look Asian.

You guys do look Asian.

I'm the only one in here that doesn't look Asian,

so I need to look like an Asian.

Okay.

Do I look Asian?

No, no, no.

That didn't work?

I don't look Asian?

No, you look better.

I love it. Do I look Asian? No, no, no.
That didn't work? I don't look Asian? No, you look better. I look gooder.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I look more good.
Okay, I'm Kalua, and who's Rudy? Nothing. Rudy's not in this? No.
I was going to read. Oh, you're going to be the narrator? Yeah.
Yeah, because we can't hear Fancy B. He's too tough to make out.
Okay, here we go. This is a scene from Hunter x Hunter, Rudy's favorite show.

Look at her smile.

See, we try to make her happy, too.

Okay, ready?

Go ahead, Rude.

Previously on Hunter x Hunter.

These suction cups save me.

Anyway, aren't you an octopus?

Oh, don't call me. Don't call me an octopus.
Intro sequence. Hunter, Hunter.
Go ahead. Strange bees and monsters, vast riches, hidden treasures, evil hunts, uncharted frontiers,

the mysterious unknown, the people who are captivated by the magic in those worlds are called hunters.

A mob of assassins attacks Killua after he and Gon split up to stop the selection.

One of them is Ikalgo, an octopus chimera ant.

Aren't you an octopus?

Don't call me octopus!

He flies away.

See ya!

I need to find a new horse.

I can't charge.

My next shot?

I'll let the ortho siblings take care of me here.

But out of nowhere, Kilo jumps on him, grabs his gun, and attacks himself to a rock using the Kimura arms. Yo! We meet again.
So we do. Long time no see, you know? Can I ask you something? Sure, go ahead.
Why didn't you dive underwater to escape? You should have an advantage in the water.

Don't tell me you can't swim.

Ah, well... It's the blood, right?

When they smell blood, your bodies in the water go berserk and ask the injured, no matter who it is.

With those wounds, if you went in there, you'd be torn to shreds.

Am I wrong?

Ah, well, I suppose that one way too.

Andres, you're the dragonfly. Or dregonfly.
Ikago, did you finish off the kid? No, he didn't change his voice. Jesus Christ.
Try to change your voice. Or anything.
Cut, do it again. Cut, lead him into it with your oh well line.
Oh well, I suppose that's one way too. Ikago, did you finish off the kids? Same voice.
You didn't make a small attempt to change the voice. Not even a shift or anything? We're going to do it one more time.
One more time, bro. It's not even hard.
It's not hard at all. Oh, well, I suppose that one way too.
Ikalgo, did you finish off the kids? Oh, my God. He's fired you fired.
You're fired, dude. No, wait.
Let's give George a shot. George, go ahead.
Try to be the dragonfly. Well, I suppose that one way too.
Oh, Icargo, did you finish off the kid? Pretty good. You're hired.
No, we were still fighting. Who are you talking to? I screwed up!

Wait, wait.

Did we change roles there?

Yep.

Yep, let me do it again.

Okay. Okay.

No, we're still fighting!

Who are you talking to?

I screw up!

Right.

You all can communicate via telepathy.

Talking to your boss, it's that guy who was flying over me, right? Wait. Now look here.
Oh, sorry. Hey, Icargo! Answer me! He's Spanish.
He's Spanish. It's so funny.
He sounds more Hispanic than Andres does. You could say that.
What i might be doing yes we're still fighting a dragonfly creature flies in the forest i think jules you're the creature but you should do a different accent okay ready a dragonfly creature enters the forest oh sorry to interrupt you let me know if you learn anything If he sees a dozen of dragonfly flying around inside a cave, the enemy would go suspicious. I won't be able to send my satellite.
Dragonfly inside! Very good, Jules. Back in the cave.
Let's make a deal then. If you tell me about his power, I'll spare your life.
You have ten seconds to answer. Killar throw the chimera arms in the water.
The sea creatures go crazy, devouring it. Eight seconds left.
Ikalgo is puzzled. Six seconds.
Ikalgo's mind wanders dreaming. I wanted to go to the forest kids.
I wouldn't give anything to hell. Being true of my own brother.
Do similar. If so, if I'm mistaken, octopi are ugly.
Squids are squitterific. I think they look divine.
Two seconds. I won't betray a body.
Ikago cut his arm off and follows in slow motion. Yes, I could see that in your eyes.
I can only hope that in my next life, I'll be born a squid. With quick moves, Killua catches Ikawago, rescuing from a certain death.
What? Because you're a cool guy. In different circumstances, we could have been friends.
Wow. I kind of want to watch the show now.
Are we close? Your voices are very different because Kilawa is an 11-year-old. Oh.
What's Kilgalgo? Kilgalgo is an octopus. He has like a squeaky voice.
Why does he keep saying don't call me an octopus when he is one? Because he doesn't want to be an octopus. What does he want to be? A squid, because all of his friends bully him.
Oh, this is deep. Oh, I wish that's the context that we should have had.
Well, if you read scripts, you'd know context. Lesson is learned here.
That's pretty impressive, though. I got to be honest with you.
At first, I thought that was going to be like phooey, and I really did like it. Like, at first, I is stupid but it's really good huh did you watch that show undoing on hbo no okay what is it what is it have you is that what it's called yes the undoing finished it i did because i'm on i'm on it's not a comedy right it's not no no um i'm on episode andre's like It's a murder mystery.
Yeah, I finished episode four. Yeah.
And it's just so depressing. It's like I find it hard to continue.
Is it worth it? I think so. It just – now, listen.
Like I'm at a point – maybe I'll talk to you after the show about it. But, you know, it's like – it's just so fucking depressing.
It's like – The undoing? undoing yeah listen nicole kidman by the way we can't give spoilers away anymore because people online are really mad that whenever we talk about a show we just give away the show i think we've done that like six times people are like why are you guys spoiling the show they're not gonna watch it they are they're not all right give it away no i i haven't seen i haven't i don't know because i don't want to i don't want him to spoil it for me that's why i want to talk to him all right good Talk to him afterwards. Don to watch it.
They are. They're not.
All right, give it away. No, I haven't seen...
I don't know because I don't want him to spoil it for me. That's why I want to talk to him afterwards.
All right, good. Talk to him afterwards because don't ruin it.
Yeah. Don't ruin the depth of the undoing.
Rudy, you have a surprise for us, I heard. George told me you've got something.
Yeah. Oh.
Take a chance on me. Sing it.
No.

Do it now.

No.

No.

She was singing Take a Chance on Me

by Abba in the car.

Take a chance on me.

Take a chance on me.

I only know the chorus.

Take a chance.

Take a chance.

Take a chance.

Take a chance.

Take a chance.

Take a chance.

Take a chance on me.

Take a chance on me.

That's it.

You want to talk about

our new puppy?

Oh, yeah.

But wait a minute.

Don't you have...

Yeah, I want to talk about Thank you. Take a chance on me.
Take a chance on me.

That's it.

You want to talk about our new puppy?

Oh, yeah.

But wait a minute.

Yeah, I want to hear it.

But don't you have a report for us?

Oh, I have something to promote.

Yeah, what is it?

I'm doing a senior project that focuses more on giving back to the community,

specifically for the dogs in the Philippines.

This is great. And then there are about 12 million stray dogs in the philippines and most of them are ascals ascals are our indigenous street dogs and they're often overlooked abused and not taken care of because they aren't purebreds so um i'm doing i'm gonna be selling shirts beanies and stickers and to raise money and everything that I will profit to be selling shirts, beanies, and stickers to raise money.

And everything that I will profit will be given to five main shelters in Cebu and maybe Manila.

Especially at a time like this where a typhoon just hit the Philippines.

Awful.

So a lot of dogs have died.

A lot are currently starving.

So I hope you help me in this and buy my things. Yes.
What are you selling? Shirts, beanies. Are they just your shirts that say your face? No, the designs will be dogs.
And you're designing them? Yeah, I'm gonna be... Oh.
Isn't that awesome? That's awesome. Yeah.
12,000 stray dogs? 12 million. What? No.
12 million? No, Rudy. No way.
Yeah. 12 million.
12 million stray dogs? Yeah. It's just dogs.
Yeah, yeah. She did say.
She was like a typhoon hit, and I was like, God, all those people. She's like, but the dogs were dead.
The people of...

She didn't care about the people at all.

No, but you do see a lot of them.

And they're like, you know, they look like pirate dogs.

They're just like walking with...

One eye missing.

Like a wooden paw.

You know what I mean?

Just like walking down the street.

And it's just like...

The dog is smoking.

Yeah, yeah.

It's really sad.

Sad.

Yeah.

So Rudy, when's that stuff going to be up?

We have to tell the peeps when it's going to be up.

It's still going to be next year.

Next year.

So at the beginning of next year, you guys got to watch out to support the rude Jude

because she deserves it.

She wants to help out other people.

And all the profits are going to go to a foundation?

Is that what it is?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

Were you there when we went to the Philippines? We're in Cebu, and we fed the kids, those homeless, are they homeless? Kids? They live in squatter areas. Squatter areas? Yeah.
So they're like, we went and got like little lunch boxes, thousands of them. Yeah.
In a truck. Okay.
Right, and we go to this place, right? And it's like roosters and just garbage

and in this landfill,

right?

And then they have like

little like,

it could be huts or caves.

What are they?

Hut caves.

Hut caves,

yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

And you have a table,

you set it up

and they all come running out

and some of them are naked

because they have,

they are.

I'm sorry.

Why are you laughing?

Well,

because when you,

I think about you naked when you say naked. I'm too I know and I'm running with them you're like we brought you lunch we brought you lunch and it's like and goats as well right there's goats right tied to like like on sticks yeah on the ground right and they're just like is it food no I don't know what they are.
Are they pets? Food. It's for milk and for...
Yeah. Goats milk and...
But it's just... And you're feeding them and when you're doing that you just kind of realize, you know, we have to do more of it.
I completely agree. We do.
Every year we adopt either a family or we adopt teenagers that are homeless here in Los Angeles. And I got to tell you.
You told me this yesterday. I got to tell you.
On the phone. It moves me.
And here's why. And I'm being very genuine when I say this.
Yeah. Okay.
I had two moments of, like, movement in my life that, comedy aside, when you get the email, the request list from these people, what they want for Christmas, and it would make you feel disgusting about yourself because it's like socks, paper towels, a bath towel, like a new towel to take a shower.

And you get these lists and you're like, this is this kid wants they don't ask for toys they don't ask for like hey i want the new ps5 it's like hey i'd love socks i don't even have socks or i don't even have a fucking clean bath towel so we didn't get him any of that shit we got him a ps5 but no but but it does make you feel like, oh, it just it puts things in perspective. It puts a lot of things in check.
And subsequently, of course, yesterday I was having a long day. We're shooting 15 hour days on Davey.
It's insane. I shot till 3 a.m.
this morning. Oh, my God.
And one of the girls in one of the scenes was sitting there next to me. And I was kind of out of it, not paying attention to because I'm not up.
I'm in my chair. Yeah.
And I'm kind of like dozing out of it. And she was saying, Oh, I love the show.
I said, Oh, thanks. That's very cool.
And she's like, I'm just so elated to be here. And I said, yeah, she was like a guest star for the day.
I said, yeah, that's, it's awesome. I'm glad that you're here.
You're, you're doing great. And then it's kind of quiet.
And she goes, is this not exciting for you? I said, no, no, no.

I just it's it's one in the morning.

I'm tired and we got here, you know, and she's like, no, I know.

I know.

Yeah, no, I was here and she was peppy.

And and she goes, just just just know you're living someone's dream.

That's what she said to you.

Yeah.

And then you know what I was that that's crossing the fucking line.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

She she meant because she's living out her dream and she's like, you're living someone's dream.

She didn't mean it as like a F you to me.

So she walked away and did her scene.

And it made me like sit in it for a minute.

I was like, that is right.

This is somebody's dream.

Oh, sorry.

It was.

It's somebody's dream.

I apologize.

And then I walked up to the second AD.

And I said, what's that girl's name? And he said her name. said okay good and he said why what's up and I said you know I want to remember her name and I want to say her name today what's her name you forgot I forgot I forgot and genuinely I had.
Yeah. I forgot.

And genuinely, I had her fired.

Because I said, don't you fucking talk to a principal actor that way, you guest star.

I know.

I struck her across the face, and I said, get me a tea.

No, she was very sweet.

And genuinely, I didn't ask for her name.

But it did make me think, oh, yeah, this is neat.

That is someone's dream.

So it put things into perspective.

It's the holidays, you know?

Yeah.

It's tough for you to absorb that kind of stuff.

It's a wall there's a big wall up you have to let those things you know it is someone's dream it is of is It's a lot of people's dream Like you got to go to Hawaii Shoot Magnum P.I. That's incredible It is incredible They flew you Take it off Papa Is this the closer? No.
It's not the closer.

No, it's not the closer.

It is someone's dream, and you have to remember that.

That's fine, and I believe that.

Okay?

But?

There's no but.

There's a but.

You know, it's...

There it is.

That's the but.

No, it's not.

Okay.

I didn't say but.

I said it for you.

But?

But I don't want that in it.

Okay, I won't.

All right. But.
But. But said it for you, but.
But I don't want that in it. Okay, I won't.
All right.

But.

But. Really, I do need to say but.
Yeah, you have to say but. It's not as if – and my journey is not your journey.
Correct. Right? We have two different journeys.
But. There it is.
I know. when I'm on a set and I see like a girl that like her parents are actors and actresses right and they're 17 right and they this is the first thing I auditioned for and I got it right right maybe for that person you know what I mean it's somebody else's dream they should be fucking grateful but for me it's like you know what I mean? It's somebody else's dream.
They should be fucking grateful. But for me, it's like, you know, I came here, you know, from a different sort of circumstance.
On a boat from Korea. It felt like that.
Right. You know, it felt like I'm homeless.
I was in L.A. living with – I'm not trying to do a boo-hoo story, but like with 12 guys in a one-bedroom apartment in Silver Lake for years.
So this was your dream? No, I'm not trying to do a boo-hoo story, but with 12 guys in a one-bedroom apartment in Silver for years. So this was your dream? No, I'm just saying, though, that I crawled.
10,000 auditions got getting nothing. Right.
Right? Yeah. And then finally getting to a place where, because of podcasting, I feel like.

Talent, ability.

You know, whatever.

You know what I mean?

Sure.

And so when I'm on the set, I don't really go.

When people go, well, this is great.

A dream.

It's like, bitch, I fucking worked my way here.

Right.

Should I have said that to her?

No, but that's how I feel about it.

Right.

Right.

It's like I don't, you know, it's like, yeah, you're fucking. you have a dream, but it's like, I fucking crawled my way into the situation.

Right.

You earned it.

I worked at it!

And you worked at it by not reading one script.

Yeah!

I feel like I'm being ungrateful, but there is a feeling of, like, dude, I fucking worked to get here.

These two things can exist.

Are you sure? 100%. I feel gross saying it.
That's good. But, you know what I mean? Like that Chris Rock story.
I had to go through that. Right.
I had to live through just, you know what I mean, that. I had to live through like, you know what I mean? Carrying your clothes.
Yeah, not being able to eat for weeks. Yeah.
Right? Yes. When I did that scene in Hawaii with that lady, Jade Wu, right? The lady that you didn't – yeah, correct.
Okay. And we hung out, right? And there's another lady on the show named Amy Hill.
Okay. Right? Who she played Margaret Cho's grandmother when she had her show American Girl back in the day.
Right. Okay.
So I'm friends with Amy, right? And I know, right, especially Asian women, these are actresses from the 70s, 80s, and 90s, right, who had to live through being concubines, right, having one line, right, and just having these terrible roles that they had to fucking audition for. You know, working at a liquor store and they have broken English.
And there's so much more than that, right? You break, you buy every scene. Yeah, right, right.
So now, right, now they're getting shit. Sure.
Right? I don't look at somebody like Jade Wu or fucking Amy Hill and go, wow, you're lucky to be here. You worked your ass off.
You went through some fucking difficult decades where Hollywood treated like shit. So when they're getting these regular lines with no accents and they get to play real people in a real show, right? I applaud them and I go, you fucking deserve to be here.
Totally. Right? Yeah.
And you worked your ass off. But...
And you're not lucky. They're living someone's dream.
That's all. She's just saying, you're living someone's dream.
How wonderful. You know, there's certain things about you, right? You know what I'm saying.
Right? Yeah. And you like to, because I have a sore throat right now because I'm being argumentative.
Yes. And throw fucking hot coals in it why do you think I do that? you like to play devil's advocate why do you think to get me riled up so I can have a stroke so it can kill me well it makes for a good show if you stroked out on this show one of our most successful episodes I know are you kidding me? the thumbnail would you be the thumbnail would you be you stro you stroking out and me going, by the way, make that the thumbnail.
Me going like this and Bobby, yeah, there it is. You're correct.
You worked very hard. You deserve what you got.
What I'm saying is perspective wise, she didn't mean it any negative way. She just meant you're living someone's dream.
How wonderful. Yeah, but a gall, right? Just listen now.
You're all sitting there on set, right? And you memorize your lines, right? and you're living someone's dream. How wonderful.
Yeah, but a gall, right? Just listen now. You're all

sitting there on set, right?

And you memorize your lines, right?

And you're getting focused

on the scene, right?

And some girl going,

we're just really lucky to be here. You're living someone's dream.

I just kind of want to go, yeah?

And just poke her fucking,

flick her eye. I want to grab her cheeks and go,

oh yeah? Looks like,

right? That's what I

want to do. What do you think, Rudy? But then what you have to, yeah, go ahead.
I want to hear her because she's got good perspective. She's young.
She's smarter than us. I understand, I see you, Bobby, that you work hard for it, but You do.
the intention of the girl wasn't bad. She just said that you're living someone else's let her finish there are people there who doesn't who doesn't wasn't born to be like like fortunate and then yeah they're just like they're they have they dream of something better and then i i don't know the girl's intention wasn't bad then why are you the intention's not bad don't yell the intention's not bad okay she comes from a good place right it's just it's one in the morning yeah it's one in the morning okay you're tired I'm very tired right she doesn't know you that well not at all you know your history or anything right yeah and just this bubbly thing, like, you know, you're living someone's dream, just out of nowhere, you know what I mean? What I would have done is I would have went, oh, nice, thank you.
That's right. You'd have to have the response.
But then you should see, she's not going to see the other side of it. What is it? Where I go, thank you.
Like, she won't see this part of the face, right? But that i would have done right right it's that turn of like absorb and like what the fuck yeah how like how dare you oh yeah you're bummed right but then you come back around like this yeah yeah yeah all right let's try let's try the exercise right now.

You're on set.

And Rudy is the girl.

Rudy, say it and let's see how Bobby reacts.

Given the circumstances...

What do you want me to do here?

I want you to understand what she was just saying to you

and what I was trying to say to you as well.

And take that into consideration with your response.

I will.

Okay.

Hi.

Hi.

Well, you said hi.

This is our fourth scene together. I just want to let you Hi.
Well, you said hi. First of all,

this is our fourth scene together.

I just want to let you know.

No, it's me!

As an actress,

I know your name is Sally, right?

So Sally,

I want to say,

you said hi to me,

you know,

nine hours ago

on our first scene.

Is this how you're really

going to react?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So don't say hi again.

It's weird.

Sally, say hi if you want to say hi.

I want to say hi.

Hi again.

Hi again, Sally.

Here we are on set doing our fourth scene.

Hi.

Okay.

Come on.

Here we go.

Okay.

Let's start from the top.

Yeah, please.

And let me be real how I normally would do it.

Do it for real.

All right.

So I'm sitting there.

I have my script in my hand.

No, you have your phone in your hand.

I have my sides.

You have your phone in your hand.

I always have my sides crumble up. I'm looking at it.
Okay. Okay? That's true.
Okay. And I have to highlight certain things.
Okay. Alright, so I'm highlighting.
Go ahead. Whenever you're ready.
Hi, Bobby. Let me...
Do it again. Say the same thing.
I want to do something. No, why? That was great.
Hi, Bobby. Hey.
Sally. It must have been nice, huh? It's a bit of a nice.
It must have been nice, huh? It's a bit huh? It must have been nice, too. Yes.
It's nice. What is nice? To be living someone else's dream.
Yes. It sure is.
Aren't you grateful? I'm so grateful that I am living off someone else's dream. Thank you for sharing that, Sally.
Okay, bye. Bye.
Okay, bye. Bye.
And I'm just, then, and then, I'll be pretending to read my script, or my lines. Right, you're not reading.
But the whole time, I'm thinking about, I might even Google her. To find out.
To find out her IMDb, like if she's worked before. Right.
Like Sally McMullins. Sally McMullins.
Let's see what she's done. This is her first thing.
That's where it's coming from. And now knowing that, now she comes back, and she's now going to ask you, hey, do you know where Crafty is? Hey, do you know where Crafty is? Yeah, it's right there where all the fucking peanuts and the fucking M&Ms are.
See, right there? With a table right next to me. you know where Crafty is? Yeah, it's right there where all the fucking peanuts and the fucking M&Ms are.

See, right there?

Where the table, right next to me.

You don't have to be mean.

I'm not being mean.

You asked me where it was, and I'm just telling you it's right there.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Enjoy.

Thank you.

Bye.

You're welcome.

Fucking newcomer.

Relax.

Your scene's up in a minute.

All right.

Sally.

Yeah.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?

Yeah.

You should ask where the bathroom is.

Thank you. Fucking newcomer Relax Your scene's up in a minute Sally Do you have to go to the bathroom? You should ask where the bathroom is Bobby Sally Do you know where the bathroom is? I really need to pee I know you do I just wanted to let you know real quick It's really great to work to work with you, right? But I am a principal on the show.
I'm not a PA. See John? Hey.
Ask him. Hey, I'm John.
Yeah, John. Ask him.
But it's my first time here. See where that door right there? It says women and has a symbol of a woman with a dress on it, right? Yeah.
That's the bathroom. Oh, I didn't see.
Sorry. It's right by Crafty.
She didn't see? Yeah, right by Crafty. Can you go to the bathroom with me? No.
In case I get lost. Sally, I'm being honest with you right now.
Are you a blind special needs actor? I mean, what is going on here? I don't have my contacts on. Oh, shit.
All right, fine. My bad.
All right. Let's go.
Thank you. It's right here.
That's how quick, by the way. Ask if he'll wait for you.
Can you wait for me? Mm-hmm. I get really scared when I pee.
Okay. You get scared.
Okay. And it takes long.
I'll wait right here but you know we're about to shoot our scenes take your time but hurry up it takes long now I'm going to tell you what's going to happen now no no hold on let her wait Bobby I fell on the toilet on the toilet she fell you have to help me you have to help you have to get in there and help bob you can't watch me though no you can't watch me i can't watch you fall in the fucking you have to close your eyes fuck you all right i'm opening my eyes no fuck you be nice she's disabled john i fuck you all right okay first of all this, okay? Yeah. Number one, who the fuck is this? Am I being pranked? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, this is a...
Yeah, you got pranked. Sorry.
Sorry, man. This is actually the director for the next four episodes.
Yeah. And the way you treated her, we're going to...
That's going to get reported. So you think that what I just did there, right, is mean? Okay, I'll show you.
Okay, tell me how it's done. Alright, go ahead.
Now you're doing with Andrew.

Hi, Andrew.

Hey, what's up?

Already? Fuck you,

alright? This is how I would do it.

I know, but it's not. That's how it happens.

I know, I know. Ready? This is how it happens.

Ready? Okay.

Hi, Andrew. Hey, how you doing?

Let me get through it.

Go ahead.

I love it.

Isn't it nice?

What's that?

Isn't it nice to be living someone else's dream?

Yeah.

Aren't you grateful?

I am.

I actually am, Sally.

I'm also grateful.

Where are you from?

Texas. Oh, nice.
What part of Texas? Somewhere there. What city? What city in Texas? Dallas.
Oh, I love Dallas. I also love it.
Where do you live? I live here. I live in Los Angeles.
You mean where I'm from? Yeah. I'm from Chicago.
Oh, okay. You know, there's something about Dallas.
I don't know if you've ever known, but if you go down 386, if you're on that highway on the right-hand side, there's one of my favorite little stores there. Have you ever been to Bunham's Web? No, I haven't.
No, you haven't? You have to go. You have to go.
Give me your phone number. I'll text you.
I'll text you the address for Bunham's Web. Okay.
What's your number? 590. 590? Yeah.
590. All right.
So it's 59 in the letter D? Zero. 590.
590? 1878. 1878.
All right. I'm going to call you right now to make sure that's your number.
Oh, you got it? Yeah, I got it. Okay, great.
Show me that you got it. Cool.
Okay, bye. Okay, bye.
Scene. A great exchange.
She left. Right.
She left. Yeah.
All I had to do was talk about something that she wasn't interested in, and she left.

This is what you do, though.

Let's do it for real.

Let's do it for real.

You want to see it for real?

You would not do that.

Number one, right?

I know, I know.

Let's do it for real.

So you asked her, right, what part of Texas, and if she didn't know, you, Andrew Santino,

would have known she was lying.

She was a liar.

Or there's something weird about how she doesn't know what city she lives in.

It did piss me off.

Yeah, so you would have

confronted that.

Okay, let's go.

This is for real.

I'll do it for real.

Here we go.

Give her a different state, right?

Throw them a different state.

She can do it.

She knows all the states.

Go ahead.

She had to learn the capitals

to become a citizen.

Hi.

Hi, Andrew.

Hey, Sally.

Isn't it nice

to be living someone else's dream aren't you grateful I am yeah I am I am actually yes I am Sally it's my first time here so I'm also grateful is this your first show oh my god this is wonderful huh well i gotta tell you you're doing a good job thank you yeah okay bye bye yeah that's what that's what happens yeah let me try it see let me try it let's try it yeah let me try it wait give me the give me the Hi Bobby Hi Sally

Isn't it nice that you're living someone else's dream? What? Isn't it nice to be living someone else's dream? Yeah. Aren't you grateful? I am.
Nice. It's nice to live someone else's dream.
Thank you. You know, really, you know, it Here it goes.
It's funny, Sally. You know, a lot of times in this rigmarole in this business, you know.
This rigmarole. You become self-centered and it's all about me, me, me, me, me.
And, you know, it's really nice every once in a while to just live in the moment, take a deep breath, and to realize that we are so fucking grateful to be here. That's right.
That we're working. And what an amazing fucking job we have.
Is that not right, Sally? It is right. Where are you from, Sally? I'm from Wyoming.
Wyoming. What city in Wyoming? Why? You don't know any city in Wyoming.
Like, why? You picked a state with no city that you know.

Then don't ask where I'm from.

And they'll give you

a different state, all right?

Wait, but how you know

cities and states?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So what state are you from, Sally?

I'm from California.

There we go.

What part is California?

San Francisco.

I'm from San Francisco.

Cool.

You know, Bobby used to play

Cobbs in San Francisco.

You ever go to Cobbs?

No. Oh.
What comedy clubs do you go to in San Francisco? This bitch isn't from San Francisco. You're a liar.
Let's expose her. Where are you really from? I'm from the Philippines.
What are you doing here on this set? What are you doing on this show? I'm just an intern. You're just an intern?

What?

Why do you have sides and why are you in wardrobe?

Yeah.

Someone told me to do it.

Who?

Andrew.

Are we all high?

This episode is specifically for people that smoke pot.

Let's say this. I will say something.
I'm grateful that you're back and you're healthy and you're safe. I'm happy to see you.
I'm happy to see both of those guys. And I'm excited.
I'm excited for the holidays to come. I put up my Christmas lights and my house looks sparkly.
Oh, it's nice. Jingle, jingle.
Did you put up your lights on your house?

Nothing.

Are you going to pay someone to do it? No, no, nothing.

Pay someone to do it.

I'm not going to do it.

Will you pay me and I'll do it?

Yeah, we'll do that next episode when we talk about Christmas, but I want to talk about it right now.

Will you pay me to put up your lights?

No, I'm not putting up fucking lights.

Because you're Jewish?

No, it's not Jewish.

It's pointless.

Speaking of which, Rudy's comment about Jewish, about who celebrates Thanksgiving the next day, and it was Canadians, and she guessed Jewish, and boy, is the Jewish community pissed.

Huh?

So mad.

So mad.

They are pissed.

I didn't mean it like that.

I'm kidding, Rudy.

I'm joking.

People love it.

She did get somebody to attack her on Instagram.

What do you mean?

She got her first like.

Hater?

Yeah.

If you know why. Why? Because she's here living someone's dream.
Oh, my mean? Did you get her first like? Hate her? Yeah. If you know why.

Why?

Because she's here living someone's dream.

Oh my God.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Woo-hoo Yeah

Woo-hoo

Yeah