The Fight & Rudy's Gotta Boyfriend!

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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude.
I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
What did you watch last night? Well, it was a movie called The Dark and the Wicked. And I didn't know.
I've never heard anything about it. So, you know, I saw it on iTunes.
I was like, I'll look at some reviews. And, like, I saw 30 reviews on YouTube.
So I bought it. I watched it last night.
Oh, it's so good. The Dark and the Wicked.
Oh, yeah. Who's in it? No one that you would know, but a lot of white people.
No, I know a lot of white people. I know, but there's so many white people.
You don't know all the white people. You don't know.
We kind of know each other. Not all the whites.
Well, name one. I don't even know their names.
I mean, I've never seen them before. The dark and the wicked.
But it's like, it's basically, I'll just tell you the premise of the movie. Ooh.
By the way, Maren Ireland. Know her.
Michael Abbott Jr. I know him.
Julie Oliver Touchstone, Lynn Andrews, Tom Nowicki, Michael Zagst. You know all those guys.
I know all these guys. From your white meetings? Yeah, my white meetings.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. My late night white meetings.
When you do your Zoom white meetings, is there like a billion fucking little slots there? Well, there's not a billion of us. There's not a billion white people?

I don't think so.

I'm sure there is.

It feels because your egos are so big.

It seems like a billion.

There's 375 million Americans.

Yeah.

How many of them are white?

I would say...

The dominant majority.

45%?

You think less than 50?

I think that minorities or ethnic people collectively. Make up more than whites? I think so.
Okay, so then we're 40%. So why are you guys complaining that you're the minority? Sounds like we're the minority, pal.
Collectively. We have joined forces like the Avengers.
You should. to take on the great white ghost.

Maybe you're right.

We're complaining too much.

The Dark and the Wicked is about so it's in the

country. It's so scary.

Whenever I go to a farm, I'm scared

as it is. I don't want to go anywhere near

farms. I know me either.

I've done road gigs where I'm driven by

farms and I'll be with a comic

and they go,

let's go touch a cow.

I go, fuck that.

Nope.

Fuck that cow.

Yeah.

I go, moo, fuck you.

Moo, moo, foo.

Moo, foo.

And I just don't trust it.

And so.

Because crazy shit happens

on Children of the Corn.

Well, even real things

like Ed Gein.

Ed Gein Farmhouse.

Farmhouse.

Who else?

What else was Farmhouse crazy stuff?

George.

George is born in a farm.

Yeah, so that's all I need to know.

So basically it's in a farmhouse.

And so this older couple, probably in their 70s, right?

Perfect.

The father is sick.

So he's kind of in hospice in the house, dying. He's got tubes in the – Yeah.
There's a nurse there. Right.
And then the mother is telling her two adult children not to come, but they come anyway. Don't come.
Daddy's ain't going to – he's not going to last. No, no, something else.
Don't come. I can't tell you what it is.
Well, don't give it away. I'm not going to.
Okay. But don't come because shit's going down around here.
Well, then you're going to come. That sounds fun.
What's going on? No, like levitating. Levitations.
Okay. Shit moving around.
But they come anyway like white people do. Because if my dad called, don't come.
All right. Okay, bye.
I will be here. No.
Right back to video games. No.
But you, right? I mean, if your parents said don't come, would you come? No. Yeah, that is white instinct.
I would go, why? Why don't you want me to come? Something happened. Yeah.
Asian instinct is, we trust you. Yeah.
There's something going on. You don't have to explain it.
I'll go the other way. But there's an instinctual thing going on.
Yeah, we go home. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's why I have to add another point of view. That's why I don't like now Asian horror movies.
Why? Because the characters in the Asian horror movies don't seem as scared. Right.
Someone's like, ah, and they're just like, ah, ah. No, but like if they're zombies, right, we'll fight back.
Zombie! Right, and they'll pick up a sword. Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi!

Hi!

Right?

Whereas white people would run.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

So they don't seem as scared to me.

And who lives?

The whites.

The whites live.

That's true.

And the Asians are like...

They get fit and eaten.

So back to the dark and the wicked.

Yeah.

The adult children come, right?

And then...

You can't give anything away. I'm not going to give it away, but can I describe a scene? Well, that's giving it away.
I know, but it's not the plot of the point of the movie. I think it's in the trailer.
All right, go ahead. All right.
Spoiler alert. Yeah, spoiler alert.
It's late at night. Let me just say, if this happened to you, what would you do? Okay.

Your mom decides at midnight to chop vegetables.

Oh, I'm leaving.

No, I'm really right just on that.

I'm leaving. Why are you up

chopping vegetables at midnight? Right. What are you

doing? And then what kind of kid are you to

not go, what are you doing?

Mom, what are you doing?

You're making the pot roast now? Right. In silence, right? She was cutting.
So they go to bed. The adult children.
Like, no big deal. Yeah, cut.
You know? She's going through something. Okay.
Right? And then she starts cutting faster. Yeah, and then it starts going fast.
And she goes past the onion. Right.
Right. She goes past the onions.
Cuts off the dad's dick. No, and starts chopping her own fingers.
Right? But not just one part, just like it's like diced onions. Slicing dice.
Yeah, yeah. The kids wake up, and they go to the kitchen, and they see beautifully sliced onions, beautifully sliced carrots, right?

With fingernails and shit.

Pieces of fingers.

Pieces of finger and blood all over the place.

Right.

And they're like, these were good onions.

Shit, what the fuck's going on?

Right?

Yeah.

And then they go, mom.

Right?

They yell out into the farmlands.

I don't know what they call it.

Farmlands sounds right.

Yeah, yeah. They yell out in the farmlands.
I don't know what they call it. Farmlands sounds right.
Yeah, yeah. They yell out in the farmlands.
Yeah. Mom! Mom! And you can see them running around, right? Mm-hmm.
And in the distance, the camera cuts back. Pans out.
Well, the camera's in a farmhouse, right? It's zoomed into them yelling, Mom! And as it peels back, you can see the feet of the mom dangling from the farm she's she hung herself because she cut her hand no that makes sense how does that make sense because if you accidentally cut your finger and you're like oh god i gotta kill myself right it's embarrassing next step yeah the next step so that's how the movie opens right Ooh. Right? So then, you know, you can see.
Where does it go from there? It gets fucking so scary. Cool.
Lots of murder? Not murder. Just suspicious things going on.
Oh, I like it. Did you watch it? No, she won't watch it.
Why? But there's shit that goes on in these white people fucking horror movies. It's better.
They're very good because of your fright. Witnessing your fright, right, makes me experience what it's like to be you.
To be white? Exactly. But you'll never be white.
Never. No.
I'll never be a coward. And I'll never be weak.
You are very weak. I know I am.
You could be white. I am white.
Why are you so scared to watch horror movies, Rude? I'm not. This is how she watches it.
I want to watch it, but Bobby doesn't enjoy it. No, no, no.
This is how she watches it. Okay.
She goes into like a pill bug, right? Yeah. Into a ball.
Right. Then she'll take 52,000 blankets and put it on top of her.
right? Right? In a ball.

And then one eye is watching the whole fucking thing.

Why are you so scared?

Because it's scary, but I still want to watch it.

But when you watch them with Tito Bobby and Kalilah.

Kalilah's in a ring.

Well, I was going to say Tito Kalilah,

but I was going to say Tito Kalilah.

My girlfriend's name's Kalilah.

Auntie Kalilah. When you watch it with them, do you never get through it? You have to quit early? Or can you finish the whole thing? I can finish.
See, are you good at finishing in one sitting? Oh, yeah. I can't.
Not because I'm freaked out or anything. Just every movie, every show, I got to stop.
Well, it takes you out of the momentum, no? Nah, something, I need a break.

Like, you know how you need a cigarette once in a while?

I need to just walk away for a little bit. You walk away and then you come back next day?

A couple hours later, next day.

I can't do it in one swing.

Any movie?

Any show, any movie.

Movie theater is the only thing that can keep me in there the whole time.

Right.

If I'm watching movies at home.

Have you ever left a movie?

About a hundred times. Where you just stood up Star Wars Which one? The second one? The second or third Which one was the one that came out And it came out here We'll ask one of the resident dorks down below The one that I almost walked out I think it's the same one 2000 It's the one where Princess Leia flies in space Yeah, whatever that was Yeah, yeah, yeah Gone Once she did that It's the one where Princess Leia flies in space.
Yeah, whatever that was.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Gone.

Once she did that, and she did that like Mary Poppins flying through the space.

Get out of here.

I stood up.

I left.

And I was making a decision.

I was like, I don't know.

That's ridiculous.

So annoying.

That's not a force.

No.

Right?

I'm going to go. And then I was with people.
Just leave them. I go, you want to go? And they're like, nah.
All right. You stayed.
I stayed. You're a good friend.
This just got worse and worse. And then there was a part in there where like- Which one was that, you guys? They went to the casino when they went to the- You know what I mean? Where they had the fat chubby Asian chick.
Yeah. Which she's a great actress, by the way.
And she got roasted online. Yeah.
Right. Well, you didn't help just now.
I know it. She's a very talented actress.
Sure. She looks like me.
Yeah. She looks like me, but with a vagina.
You're mad because she stole the role. That could have been for you.
No way. When they say steal the role, are they referring to your body type as well? All right, go ahead.

Okay, that's rude.

It's real.

And you're being mean.

And that's mean but fun.

You're one.

I'm not.

You are.

That's gross.

Which Star Wars is it?

It's the second one.

It was called Return of the Jedi.

Is it Return?

No.

Which one is it, Andres?

Yeah.

Last Jedi. Last Jedi.

Last Jedi.

The Last Jedi.

Yeah, and it was the last time I watched one.

You didn't see that in follow-up?

No.

I wanted to see the follow-up of it just to see what – because J.G. Abrams was in the helm again.

Right.

He directed –

Yeah, so he's like, I got to fix it.

Yeah.

So I was just wondering, could he?

Could he fix it?

Right?

But you know what threw me off in the third one is when I saw the trailer for the third one coming out? Yeah. And at the end of the trailer, do you remember what you heard? Someone laughing.
No. The Emperor.
Oh. Right? And I'm like, he's alive.
He's alive, yeah. They just gave that away.
The Emperor's alive. The Emperor.
The one that got thrown in that shaft. Electricity.
Was it electric? Remember he was zapping Luke? He was zapping Luke with his shit, right? His wizard shit, right? He was like, no, no, whatever he was doing, Luke, right? And then fucking Anakin or Darth Vader, not my son, right? He picks up, right? The Emperor throws him and the Emperor's flying still with the electricity, right? He's going, ah! With the electricity, he's like, ah! Falling, right? Ah! This is how far he falls. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Times 10.
times 10 right yeah it probably hits the asphalt implodes yeah right explode whatever whatever he does then you hear in the fucking trailer he's alive he's fucking alive so but i saw it anyway yeah because i wanted to see if he could do it. And he kind of did.
You know what that reminds me of? What? Do you remember the original Batman, Batman 1? Do you remember Batman 1 well or no? With the Michael Keaton... The greatest one? Yeah, that wasn't the greatest one.
Best one, by far. Oh, I love this.
Best one, by far. You're blasphemy.
Best one, by far. Why? Because of Jack Nicholson? Jack and Michael together were two.
Look. Great movie.
Here's why. Great movie.
When I was a kid. Yeah.
And I was a huge fan of Batman. Batman is my, by far, the only superhero I like.
Yeah. Okay? Because I think Superman is whack.
I don't like any of the other ones. I like Batman.
And when I saw his face in the mask, that looked like what Batman was to me. It just made perfect sense.
And his voice was perfect. You know who directed it? Who directed it? Edward James Almost.
No, who directed your favorite Batman movie? I know exactly who directed it. Who was it? The same guy that helped write it.
He's the same guy that did Edward Scissorhands. Yeah, what's his name? Sid! Edward James Olmos.
No, no, that's his name. What's his name? He did Nightmare Before Christmas.
Yeah, what's his name? You forgot his name, did you not? He did. You forgot the name? Tell me the name! He did...
He did... Yeah.
No, I know it's Tim Burton, but he did... Okay, good.
Very good. No, I'm a huge fan.
Did you go see the exhibit when it was at... Oh, yeah, I was at the exhibit.
I went twice. I put the stuff up.
You did? Yeah. That was you? I'm the one that was putting the stuff up.
They were yelling at you. I know, they were yelling faster.
Come on, you little duckling. Yeah, I was like, boom, boom, boom, boom.
Right. No, Burton, the reason I loved it so much, but that laugh that you did was, remember when the Joker had fallen off the building? Uh-huh.
And he died, and he was smashed into the earth below, But in his pocket was the little laughing chatter. Oh, that was a really good scene.
And it was. Yeah, that was a really good scene.
So I used to do that around my house. My mom would fucking lose it.
Right. I'd be in another room going.
Yeah, yeah. And she'd go, stop it.
Stop it. Yeah.
If you were. I watched that movie a thousand times.

If I was a Batman villain, which one would I be?

Ooh.

I already know who you're going to say.

Mr. Freeze.
No, I'm kidding.

You'd be the Penguin. You'd be the Vito.

Yeah, exactly. Fuck you.
I knew you were going to say that.

Oswald Cobblepot.

You'd be Two-Face.

Yeah, you would be.

My coin?

Who would Rudy be?

Poison Ivy.

Oh yes you would be. You think, yeah, yeah.
Fink. My coin? Yeah.
Who would Rudy be?

Poison ivy.

Oh, yes.

Poison ivy.

You would be poison ivy.

Yeah, for sure.

Because you seem at a distance, just like poison ivy physically, the plant, it seems fine and harmless.

Then what happens?

You touch it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's paralytic.

You become.

Yeah.

That's your poison ivy, aren't you? Yeah, George would be... Bane.
The opposite of Bane. George would be...
I don't know. There isn't one.
Because I would... Well, Andreas is the Joker.
No, Andreas is the Riddler to me. I'm the Riddler.
Okay, Riddler, Joker. It's the next intonation.
They're two different characters. I know, but they came from one another.
They're not brothers. What are you talking about? They influenced one another.
They all influenced each other. No? Yes.
How did the Penguin get influenced by any other? How did the Riddler get influenced by the Joker? They have a similar demeanor. Yeah, but they weren't like, you know, like Riddler didn't call Joker and go, hey, man, I'll just let you know.
Yes, he did. My style is based on your clothing.
They never had – they never – was that disgusting. You don't think they sat down and had a drink and gave him props? No, there was not like – And he wasn't like, I got most of what I have from you.
It's not like J.J. Abrams and Spielberg.
You know what I mean? Same guy. All right.
They're both Jewish. I think that – so you're saying that the first Batman – First Batman is the best Batman.
Is better than The Dark Knight. The Dark Knight is a great movie, right? But you love The Dark Knight mostly because of the visuals, right? But in its time, Batman for its time, the original, because without crazy special effects that we've got today and the visuals that we're able to do today, for its time was remarkable.
Christopher Nolan isn't necessarily – his whole thing is less, you know what I mean, visual effects and more real-time effects. It still has it anyway.
I understand that. But the thing is, you know, number one, The Dark Knight is a superior movie.
It's not. It really is.
You just like it because it's way more current. It's realistic.
It's more current. What was not realistic about the original? If somebody falls into a vat of chemicals, they would die.
Is this Roger Rabbit? What movie are you talking about now? How does the Joker become the Joker in your version of the Batman? First of all. First of all.
How does he become the Joker? He doesn't fall into a vat. What does he fall into? Chemicals, right? Part of his body gets chemicalized.
He falls into a gigantic thing of fucking chemicals. Yeah, but you don't know if they're corrosive.
We don't know if they're going to kill you. It's going to kill you, that green shit.
The emperor is still alive. Hmm? No.
This transcends. It's not real.
None of it's real, you fucking goof. You wanted to say gook, huh? Goof.
Gook. I said goof.
You wanted to put the K in. Nope.
That's what you want to. No.
Don't call me goof then. It's too close to gook.
Goof is fine. All right.
You fucking goof. You fucking.
What if it's goof? Goofk. That's a good.
You goofk. That's good.
That's really good. It's a better film.
Yeah, it's not. It's my favorite.
Look, I think The Dark Knight is one of the greatest movies I've ever seen. Yeah, it's incredible.
It's just, I love Batman 1 because it was everything to me as a kid. Because I could also say then that the second one.
Yeah, yeah, really good. The score was incredible.
The second one is so good too. What? Oh, the second Batman.
The Tim Burton one. Yeah.
I thought that was really good. Yeah, and then after that, it got insane.
It got real bad. Clooney was maybe the worst Batman choice of all time.
Chris O'Donnell closed the Robin. Executives were like, we're not doing that ever again.
It's over. Game over.
Why would we do that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who else do you think? Who else? You know, I've worked with him before.
I'm sure he's a great guy. He's a really nice guy.
It's not his fault. It was like, we're not doing that ever again.
It's over. Game over.
Why would we do that? Yeah. Yeah.
Who else do you think?

Who else?

You know, I've worked with him before.

I'm sure he's a great guy.

It's not his fault.

He's a really nice guy.

It's a bad role.

Yeah.

Who else could have been?

I wanted to say, I wanted to say, because at one time he was sitting next to me.

We're doing a scene.

And I want to say, I just want to let you know.

It made me laugh.

I wasn't going to do this, but I want to tell Chris O'Donnell, I want to go, I just want to let you know that I think that you're gonna do this but i want to tell chris o'donnell i want to go i just want to let you know that i think that you're robin's the best robin you mean because there wasn't one you why didn't you say that it would have been funny if i would have said that he would have liked it no i don't think so why i don't think so you think you don't think he knows you don't think he's enough self-awareness i don't know but i just didn't know enough to like because he could have gone way bad. So I just kept that to myself.
But it made me laugh. God, that's funny.
In your mind when you go, please do it, do it, Bobby, do it. I think you should.
But I couldn't do it. Yeah, there's no way.
Now would you do it now? No. Why? Enough time has passed? Because it's the same reason why I can't bring up Bucky to Nick Swartzen.
Why? Because he got such bad reviews on Rotten Tomatoes and I like the guy so I just don't want to bring it up. Yeah, but I think once things do poorly and we're past them, you have to be able to make fun of them, particularly if you're a comedian.
Chris O'Donnell's not a comedian, I guess, but with Nick or any of our friends, you've done stuff that flops. Yeah, everything I've done.
But I mean, we have to make fun of it all. Yeah, and also Chris O'Donnell is like, it's not his fault.
That's what I said, yeah. It's so funny because I was defending Sarah Silverman, not defending what, basically somebody was going to sell her silverman.
Well, you did black face on a sketch she did years ago. Yeah, right, right.
By the way, we all did blackface on a sketch. I did.
Oh, you did? Oh, yeah. I did a thing where I was Jordan Peels and Keegan's third brother or something.
On MADtv. On MADtv, and I had to wear a ball cap, and they painted my face black.
But blackface, as an Asian guy, it's a little different. It's not as, right.
It's a little different. It's not the same.
I could be Tiger Woods. You know what I mean? I look like Tiger Woods.
Yeah, you do. But the thing is – so I was defending – You look like Tiger Woods if he was a bowler.
Go ahead. I was – That hurt.
Come on. They burned though.
What do you mean? Goof. Goof.
So that's really good.

Oh, Bowler. But Sarah Silverman did – I was like – Well, where was this? People were attacking her online? On Twitter.
And I was just basically saying it's not as if like you as an actor, you have a lot of control over things. You have almost no control at some point.
Right. People tell you what to do.
Right. You mean there's forces that are more powerful than you you know i mean that are like convincing you to do something that you don't really feel quite comfortable with right but you do it anyway because it's like you're on a tv show and you're just gonna do it well also also the reason i imagine she did it because at the time i'm sure it's satire too yeah i'm sure she was making fun of the thing.
And it's also, another thing is, you know, it's,

she had, the time i'm sure it's satire too yeah i'm sure she was making fun of the thing and it's also another thing is you know um it's it's she has a pass when it comes to all the black comedians right know who she is and knows what her heart is and she they know that she's doing satire problem yeah here's the problem what black comedians aren't the ones that are upset about it i know it is period yeah so this is the issue that's the issue yeah right like like any that's not the ones that are upset about it. I know it is.
Period. Yeah.
So this is the issue. That's the issue, yeah.
Right, like any – that's not the person that gets upset about it because if people don't understand the difference between the joke and the reality, I don't know what to tell you. Like it's just – that stuff's hard.
Well, because look, look, Jimmy Kimmel, he did a blackface sketch. He was Shaq or somebody.
I don't remember what he was – and they tried to blow up his spot this past summer. You know? Yeah.
And it didn't work. It doesn't work, yeah.
Because every black person he's associated with that was in that sketch with him was like, no, that was part of the joke. It's some fucking liberal, annoying brat at their computer.
Social justice. The attacks were from the right wing, by the way.
Why? Oh, because she's so far left. Yeah.
The attacks are from the right wing. Like, you did this.
But you're a hypocrite. That's why you need to be somewhere in the middle.
But it's like when Mickey Rooney and I said – remember before in the previous podcast, I said John Wayne played Genghis Khan. I don't really blame them because also the time period.
Right. Yeah, right.
Right. Times have changed.
It's like when times change. Even 10 years ago, we have a different outlook on race as we do now.
Right. It's constantly changing.
We used to be able to beat Asians in public. Now it's a big nyo-nyo.
You can't do that. I used to hit every Korean kid I saw on the street.
I know. Japanese.
Because you're a bully and you're a bad person. No, I'm not.
And I would never hit Koreans. Right.
The Chinese. But here's the thing about you, though, is, you know, when I first met you.

I'm racially ambiguous, by the way. I know you are.

You can't put me in a category.

I know, but when I first met you, right, you know, there was a part of me that's like, oh, he's a bully.

Yeah.

Just in your first – my first impression of you is that he's just an East Coast, you know, Midwest, you know, bully-ish. But then I realized that he's a softie.
You're a softie, right? Well, I'll beat the shit out of you if you make me mad, but otherwise I want to be your butt. I want to squeeze you and hug you.
But you have rage. A ton of it, yeah.
Yeah, I know. I'm working it out.
I know you are. There's been suggestions from fans that we get you help on the show that I need to get help on the show.
Like what kind of help do I need?

No, no, no. We've already done that for you.
Remember we got the

we tried to get you to quit smoking. Yeah, we need help for you.

We'll get a therapist in here. George, you want to get me a therapist

for the next time and I'll

do a therapy session? Okay. An anger

management therapist. Yeah.

And maybe it'll calm me down a little bit.

But I've been really good lately because I've been

able to run again. Yeah, I know.

But I have... When I can't run though.
I'm getting close to you. Do you know how I know this? I know your spots.
Yeah, I know. No, I do.
And I'm not going to say the spots because I don't want to get you there. Sure.
But I know the spots. Yeah.
Right? And I could say three or four things right now. Right now in a row.
Yeah, yeah. Right? Uh- Right? That's going to take you to a level of rage.

Right.

Right?

Right.

That's going to just destroy this whole building.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

I'm not going to do it.

Good boy.

You know why?

Why?

I'm a good guy.

A good guy.

Right?

But I have even new information, right?

Oh.

And facts.

Oh.

And things I could shoot you with.

Oh.

Right.

But I wouldn't do it, right?

But that's how... See, I'm not going to do it.
I love you. But that's the kind of power I have.
And let me tell you the power I have. Go ahead.
This is all chess. It's just chess, yeah.
Speaking of chess, by the way, Queen's Gambit is the best show on television. That's what my girlfriend says? The best show on television.
I have to watch it then. It's...
It's... Do you know it, Rude? Yeah.
Have you seen it? Yeah. Oh, so you watched it with Klyla?

No, I've watched it by myself. How many

episodes? Seven total.

Have you watched? Seven. You saw seven?

I'm still on five. It's a limited series.
There's only

seven episodes in total. I love chess.

Do you play chess? I'm so bad.

Every time I play, I lose.

Oh, I love that. You'll beat me.
You'll beat me. No way.

Dude, honestly. You know how it works, though.

What do you mean? I don't want to play chess. Oh, you do? How do it work? What happens? You know how it works, right? Do you know how to play chess? Not really.
Yeah, yeah. So people don't know how it works.
Well, you have to know what pieces can move where. But it's not just the relationships between the pieces.
Correct, yes. Yeah, yeah.
No, I know how to play chess. I learned when I was in high school, but I was never good and I never kept going.
When I moved to West Hollywood, there's Russians that play chess in Plummer Park. Oh, yeah.
And I went down there one morning and I watched for two hours. Did you bring your mat or something? You bring your own mat and you're fucking.
No, I watched and I thought, I bet you I could at least put up a little bit of a fight against one of these guys. There's no way.
I went, sat down, lasted maybe two minutes, maybe a minute and a half. And he beat me and he looked up at me and he was like – he didn't even talk.

Yeah.

He gave me a head nod that meant fuck off.

And I did.

I fucked off.

I knew better.

There's a rapper named Sticky Fingers or something?

Sticky Fingers.

Is that his name?

Sticky Fingers.

Do I have it right?

Yeah.

By being real?

Yes.

I did a movie with him once.

With Sticky Fingers.

Yeah, yeah.

And he plays chess.

Yeah, so we were on set. He's like, yo, man, I got my? Yes.
I did a movie with him once. With Sticky Fingers.
Yeah, yeah. And he plays chess.

Yeah, so we were on set.

He's like, yo, man, I got my chess board.

And I went, I'm not going to play you.

I'll kill you.

I'm Asian.

I just said that.

And all his homies were like, ah!

They're laughing, right?

Yeah.

Come through then, right?

Come through.

I go, when?

Keep it 100, play chess, come through.

I said, I'll come through. Through.
Where is it? Say through. I'll come through.
Through. Right? Come through.
I go, when? Keep it 100, play chess, come through. I said, I'll come through.
Through. Where is it? Say through.
I'll come through. Through.
Right? So then, like, what trailer is it? Because a bunch of actors or whatever. The one with the smoke coming out of it, it literally was.
It's just hot boxing. It's just like smoke coming out of it because of the weed.
Right. Right? So, you know, I look at the trailer and I go, I made that noise.
Here we go. I literally walked in and I walked out.
I lost. That's how fast it was.
I walked in like this and I walked out like this. And I fucking lost.
He was so fucking good. In fact, I thought to myself, I've probably played about Eight black people In my lifetime in chess Never beat any of them They're so good at strategy They really are Well, people that love chess That really love chess Black people are especially good at it though Well, because Because I bet you He had his own shit It was his own board His special pieces and stuff Custom made, right? This isn't just like a Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You're accusing him of fraud? What? You're not accusing him of fraud, are you? No, I'm saying it's custom. I'm saying he probably invests time and money into chess.
Most people that play chess aren't casual. You either are fucking obsessed with chess or you go, I played, I'm not that good.
Because we bought a board. We bought a board for the pandemic and it's still in the wrapper.
That's what I'm talking about. Most people, you're either fucking insane about it or you're like, I don't really play chess.
We'll get one in here and let's play. I'd love to play a game with you.
But I want to learn how to play speed chess. Well, that's the same rules, but faster.
Yeah, but I mean, no. Yes, it's the same rules I'm saying, but the skills are unbelievably different.
I know they are. I want to do it and you need to watch Queen's Gambit.
How good is it? The little red-headed girl.

Is it me?

Yeah.

It's me.

I love Chet.

Do you see Searching for Bobby Fischer?

Of course.

Great movie.

Do you know who that is?

You don't know who Bobby Fischer is?

No, dude.

They don't have that in the fucking Philippines.

You know who Magnus is?

Magnus?

Yeah.

Like Magma?

Magnus.

Magnus.

Magnus for Magnuson?

The strongest man in the world

at one point? Magnus is this – I think he's from – It sounds like Sweden or some of the Nordic countries. Yeah, Sweden or – yeah.
And he's – I think he's the number one chess player in the world, but he's young. He's a cool, blonde-headed kid.
Oh. And there was a documentary about him.
I watched it. You did? It's really good.
And he's getting – the other kid came and took over. I watched that.
It was a documentary. It's about the next in because there was one kid that was like – Well, the documentary is called Magnus.
How did you not know what I was talking about? I don't think it's called Magnus. I think it's called something else.
I've got to get my phone out. But whatever – No, let me just do it, okay? Magnus Carlsen.
Yeah. No, no, no, dude.
There's another documentary about... Yeah, but the Magnus documentary.
Oh, dude, I'm thinking of the Rubik's Cube thing. I watched that.
There are two different fucking things, you fucking idiot! Same thing. What? You fucking...
Moron! Hey, hey, hey. I didn't see it.
Hey. Yeah.
Magnus Carlson.

This documentary is called Magnus.

Magnus, yeah.

Right?

So you would have known this.

I'm thinking of.

Watch this documentary.

I watched a Rubik's Cube one.

Watch this documentary.

And they're two different fucking things.

Same kind of guy.

Yeah.

Same kind of brain.

I saw a football movie.

It was called Hoosiers.

It was fucking amazing.

Same kind of brain.

Shut the fuck up.

Same brain.

Fuck.

Yeah, and keep it in.

Don't even edit it out.

That's what you are.

That's what you are.

A.

A.

A.

A.

A.

Thank you. brain.
Fuck. Yeah.
And keep it in. Don't even edit it out.
That's what you are. That's what you are.
Cut that. Cut that out.
Or bleep it. Do you look like a fool? You know, it's like so funny.
It's like when people do foolish things like that and they say that they go into a thing like what you're doing. You're frozen.
I know you're're frozen right now because of shame. No, no, no.
I'm listening to your bullshit. No, you're going like this.
No, I'm listening to your bullshit. Oh, shit.
How do I get out of this one? No, it's not getting out of it. I'm faster than you.
I'm funnier than you. I'm stronger than you.
I'm taller than you. I'm better than you in literally every physical way and mental.
How do I get out of this one? You're a little tiny round booger rat moron. And that's where you're going to go.

You're a stupid person.

You're going to name calling.

You call me an R-tard.

Yeah, but we're going to cut that out so it doesn't even matter.

No, we're not.

We're leaving an R-tard.

You said it to me.

You called it to me three times.

Just apologize for making a mistake. No.
Yes, you made a mistake. I'm not apologizing for fucking thinking something was something else.
I said, no, it's a Rubik's Cube movie. But chess and Rubik's Cubes are two different things.
It's the point of the film. It's not the fucking item.
It's that, oh, yeah, there was a kid who was the champion, and he got taken over, and I'm thinking, oh, it's a fucking Rubik's Cube. But it wasn't even called.
How would you, Magnus, it's not even called. I don't know the title of the fucking movie.
Fuck, man. You made a mistake and you look like a fool and that's all.
No, it's only because you ran into it with your car. No.
It could have gone, oh, yeah, it was a Rubik's Cube, not a chest one. It was really sad to watch you just now.
Just freeze and like go through that fucking thing. You're, you're, you're.
Go ahead, go name calling. I'm fat.
Fucking'm weak. Yup.
Yup. Yeah.
I wouldn't be able to survive in a forest. Fact.
Yeah, that's true. Unless there was a fucking bakery, then there were an elf in a tree who made cookies, you fat piece of shit.
Am I not alive? I hope your fucking feet fell off. There we go.
Now that's where we go. You diabetic fucking turd.
When white, listen, ladies and gentlemen, bad friends, friends, fans. When your teeth fall out from smoking.
Just listen your little rat mustache So when Andrew Makes a mistake This is how we No, it's only when you go at it with me And so I want to let you guys know that we do need a therapist Because he has massive issues Look at him He's trying to laugh it off, but I see it in his eyes When Bobby goes after me After I said I said Oh yeah no yeah I said that the wrong Then I have to attack you back No You put me up against the wall Yeah What do you want me to do? See? See? Yeah You see what you did? What? See what you did? You ruined my vibe You fucked up my vibe I it. And you've never listened to the Scorpions

once. That's true.

Yeah, you fucking poser. You

fake fuck. Cut that out.
No, you Hollywood

punk. You cut that part.
No! No!

Yeah, you cut that part out. No! No, fuck you!

No, fuck you! You're cutting that part out. Fuck you!

We're cutting that part out. No, George, you're

fired if you fucking keep that in. Fuck you, then

fuck you, George. Get fired, you fucking cunt.

Don't hire someone else. You cut it out.
Andres, you touch that fucking Scorpion thing. Andres, if you don't cut out the scorpion thing.
What are you gonna do? What are you gonna fucking do? What are you so angry about? I love it. I love it.
Just for a second. Here's why.
We have too many. I just admit that you were wrong.
I did. I did.
You were wrong and you looked like a I literally said. You were wrong and you look like a fool.
That's it. See, then you add look like a fool.
I did not add that. You add look like a fool.
I know, but just let's move on. No, I move on.
Let's move on. I said, oh, yeah, it was a Rubik's Q movie.
Just calm down and move on. No, don't do that.
All right. Don't go low.
Breathe. Can you breathe? You started it.
I didn't start it. Andres, get on the fucking mic and say who started it.
People are listening right now. Shut the fuckres who started it Say it Don't be a Say it Yes Stop everything stops She said Tito Bobby Cause she knows Say it in the mic She did Tito Bobby I you.
I started it? Yeah. Wow.
When he was wrong, you immediately humiliated him. You could have just...
Yeah, but was he not wrong? Yeah, but it wasn't a big thing. Let her finish! Go ahead.
It wasn't a big thing. Right.

Well, he mistake like a chess board with like a little cube.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Thank you, Andreas.

I have some defense here.

No, he's not defending you.

What were you saying, Andreas?

He mistake a chess board with a little cube.

Right.

Is that a big puffer?

It's a medium size.

Medium size.

Yeah. My response was medium size.
medium size. Medium size.
Yeah.

My response was medium size.

No, it wasn't.

Yeah.

How big was the response, Jules?

You said the R.

You said the R word over and over.

Which we'll cut it out.

No, we're not.

We're leaving it in because we need to teach you a lesson.

So I'm going to let you know, all right?

Don't point it or put your finger down.

Put your little fat finger down.

All right.

You just betrayed me.

Put that finger down now.

You betrayed me.

I know that.

All right?

And you know what?

I'm glad I'm leaving tomorrow.

And you're lucky that I'm leaving tomorrow.

Jules, I love you.

You're a good friend.

Tell people how excited you are to go to Hawaii.

I'm going to Hawaii tomorrow.

You know how much love I have for you in my heart?

When I was in the shower, you know what I was singing? My focus isn't on you anymore. My focus is on...
Let it go. No, I'm not.
Grow up. This fucking Shakespearean fucking bullshit right here.
First of all, she's an aggressive genius who has dangerous qualities. Do you really want to get on her fucking bad side? That's why I'm not getting physical.
Okay, well, I would watch your tone with her too. I'm not getting physical.
Because she'll fucking kill you. I'm sorry.
Good boy. This morning in the shower, I thought of you And I got excited for you Well I gotta breathe through this And I was singing I was singing Israel Kamakawe'o lies Somewhere over the rainbow You know brother Iz The big fat Hawaiian guy I was singing that song in the shower Jules were you singing for us? Ah, Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Jules, will you sing for us?

Oh, no.

Chess is not like Rubik's Cube.

They're two different things.

Oh, so you don't make mistakes?

Is that where we're going to go back?

I'm singing the song.

Is that how the lyrics go?

Lower your voice.

Is that how the lyrics go?

Is that how the lyrics go? Lower your voice. Is that how the lyrics go? Is that how the lyrics go?

Lower your voice.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

I buy shirts of bands I don't know.

You're cutting this out.

No.

Because now you're getting...

That's not fair.

You get to make fun of me for a mistake.

I can make fun of you.

I understand that, but there's things...

No, it all stays.

It all stays, because we've gone too far.

And by the way, if you think it's going to get cut, I'm going to reference it four more times in the podcast. And then we're going to have to cut out four different things.
No, they won't. No, they won't.
We have to cut out the R word and we have to cut out the scorpion stuff. No, no.
Because they're one and the same. They're one and the same.
We're going to beep the R word. It's going to go.
But everyone already knows what you said. And we've talked about it too much.
Stop bringing it up. If you want to cut out, stop saying it.
So move forward. Don't bring up this though Why do you care so much about the Scorpions? It's a band that you don't know And you don't want to be a white girl from LA? You are Except your reality Except your reality Andrew What island are you staying on in Hawaii?

Stop for a second

Let's go back to the thing you want to cut out

We're not going to cut it out now

We're not going to cut it out now

Because I want to make a point now

For the record we are going to bleep the R

That's fine

Keep the scorpions in

I know but I want to make a point now

I'm there but I'm not

I'm at the line

There's certain things Thank you. Scorpion's in.
Because we cannot say it. But I know.
I know. But I want to make a point now.
And I'm not – I'm there, but I'm not.

I'm at the line.

Okay.

Okay?

Is there's certain things, right, that – and I don't know why it is, right?

But there's certain things that I'm paranoid about or I'm sensitive about.

Like what?

This.

Why?

Because I should know – because I make fun of people that wear shirts. So perhaps you need to think about not making fun of people i don't know how i got this it was just in my i really don't so then just say that no but just listen to what i'm saying okay i i would even when i was putting it on today you thought about it i thought about i don't think i should wear it because i don't really know much about the band right so i don't know how i got this but see this moment of vulnerability is better than the opposite i I'm just stopping.
Just let me just say something. Okay.
Let me finish this. Okay.
And there are certain things, and I'm not going to say it, right? The things that you are sensitive about as well. Sure.
It feels the same. That? Yes.
I don't know why. Wearing a shirt.
I don't know why, but it does. So my physical insecurities, right? It does.
It feels that way to me. You think that feels the same as a shirt you put on? Yeah, because I have no physical insecurities at all, so I don't know.

I can't relate to you on that level.

That's not the same thing at all.

Yeah, because I'm very paranoid about it.

I'm sensitive about it.

Yeah, but that's a thing you've made up.

It's not even a real thing.

And your physical –

No, that's real.

I feel – I see it.

I know it.

It's real.

Yeah, but it's not – no one else feels that way.

You feel that about yourself.

Right, but the projection you have because of a shirt you put on is completely different. It's only because you make fun of people that do that exact same thing.
Right. So don't make fun of those people anymore.
But you also make fun of people with physical things as well. Like what? Who do I make fun of? You'll make fun of a woman's body.
They're shaped like an eggplant or whatever it might be. What? You're making that up.
I've seen you say that. Where? Look at that lady who looks like an eggplant.
Where? When we're hanging out? It's just something that you would say, I think. No, see, you're making shit up.
All right. I don't make fun of people's bodies unless, of course, they're in a wheelchair.
Then I pick on them, for sure. Yeah.
No. What island are you going to? I don't know, man.
Are you going to Maui? I don't know. I guess, man.
Shut up.'t know i guess man shut up no kawaii no oahu i'm excited i'm so fucking jealous yeah i think i need a break you need a break yeah from this all you've been on a break not really no touring barely tv TV, podcast.

That's all you've been doing.

You're not writing any new shit.

You're not doing any jokes.

You're not having any stages.

You're not traveling.

You're not on planes.

This has been a break.

Yeah,

but I kind of,

I like working and,

me too.

I miss it.

And I,

and I,

I'm just kind of excited to work.

That's all.

You need a break from podcast LA life.

That's what I meant.

A break from you.

From this. And Kalilah.
No, that's, you know, no. Oh.
Maybe her. Her? Yeah, maybe.
They're not going with you? Kalilah and her aren't going. No, they were, but they're not now.
Why? Because it's just too much to worry about in terms of like animals and traveling. Oh, the animals.
Yeah, and all that stuff. It's just too much to worry about.
Are you going to miss Kalilah? I'm going to miss Kalilah a lot. Are you going to miss Rudy? I'm going to miss the dogs.
Is Rudy one of the dogs? Do you classify her as one of the dogs? No. In your house? I used to classify her as a daughter.
You felt like she's a daughter to you? Yeah. See, to me, it feels like my little sister.
Do I feel like an older brother to you? Yeah. I feel like family, but...
That feels like my sister. You used to feel like her father.
Now, what do you feel like to her? A father still. Oh.
But a father betrayed. Maybe a stepdad.
Yeah. You kind of seem like a stepdad to her.
Yeah. She's not mad.
She doesn't really like stepdads sometimes. She doesn't.
But why doesn't stepdad just know she's in a growing period? I'm fine. She's growing up.
I feel great. You know, one day she's going to leave.
I feel good. I'm excited about Hawaii.
You're sad? I'm excited about it. And I'm sad to leave you.
I'm sad to leave you I'm sad to leave I'm sad to leave everyone here in LA and it's not true I do you're so excited to go to Hawaii I'm so excited but I'm very excited as well and I'm so grateful for my life I really am I love everything I look around my life I walk outside I wake up and I walk outside my house I look to see little Jewel sleeping in her room, and the dogs, you know what I mean, running around,

and I look at my beautiful girlfriend.

You're about to say wife.

Soon to be wife.

Are you really going to get married?

I'm going to marry her, yeah.

When?

Soon.

Well, the fans want to know.

I just don't know how to do it.

The engagement?

Yeah.

Would you have a ring?

I'll get one.

Well, that's probably the first step. You have to get the thing.
I'll go to etsy ebay etsy ebay etsy's cheaper is it i don't know i'll go to ebay what do you think you would do for a proposal probably put in a cupcake but then she won't eat the whole thing right she's yeah yeah so then i'll and then i'll do you gotta eat more of it you know you know what you should do what have Have one of the dogs eat it and be like, oh, my God, we have to take him to the vet. And they go to the vet and then they cut the dog open and the ring inside.
Yeah, and the dog is hemorrhaging. Hemorrhaging.
And while it's bleeding out, I look out and they find the ring. I go, will you marry me? Perfect.
Oh, wow. That's a good one.
Perfect. Yeah.
You just gotta hope the dog doesn't die. Yeah.
But if it does, you're already at the vet. Or stick the ring inside my anal canal.
Canal. Canal, right? And I'll say, finger me.
Right? Will she? And then she fingers me with this. I go, no, with this finger.
Use your ring finger. Ring finger.
Right? And then boom. And then as she pulls it out.
Yeah, it will you marry me that's perfect pretty good what else is another one oh Rudy are any of these good do you think a good way for a girl to get proposed to I like the dog one the one where of course you do so creepy I know because everything that I do right you don't like no no she likes she likes she likes how how sadistic it is Yours is dirty and this one was death. She likes death stuff.
Oh, she wants sadistic and death. Yeah, like Rudy's the kind of person that- All right.
Well, then I stick the ring. Right? Here's how Rudy's going to get proposed to in 10 years, by the way.
No time soon. No more.
You're still- How old are you now? 19? Yeah. 19? It's gonna be 12 years we want you until you get married.

Right? 12 years? She has to be 30.

She's never gonna get married. She's never gonna have any kind of boyfriend as long as she lives in my house.

Do you ever want to get married? I've never,

you said you didn't want to have kids. We know that's

off the docket because you hate children.

I don't know about marriage also.

Yeah, it's a scam. Well, she's flirting with guys on

her, um. No.
Yeah, she is.

No, I don't want to hear it. On what?

On Instagram? Some direct

message on Instagram. What? You're gonna betray

Thank you. It's a scam.
Well, she's flirting with guys on her... No.
Yeah, she is. No, I don't want to hear it.
On what?

On Instagram?

Some direct message on Instagram.

What?

You're going to betray me?

I can't betray you a little bit?

No, I'm fine.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

She's flirting with two guys.

What are their names again?

Well, we don't need to know their names.

What's going on?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Look at her face.

Look at her face now.

Look at her face.

And she's texting them back and forth.

Love, love, Texas.

Is this really going on, Rude? Kinda. Oh, boy.
Yeah, You see what I'm saying? You might get your phone privileges revoked. Yeah.
You keep that up. But they have to get through me.
I'm not going to let her out of the house. Have you met up with any boys? No, because of COVID, right? Because of COVID.
That's kind of good. Then she can't even see any of these idiots.
Oh, and also, even if she does, I'm going with her. Right.
Oh, really? You think, let's say the pandemic's over.

Yeah.

And the way you're treating me today, right?

You think you're going to, no.

I think that's fine with it.

Yeah, but I'm not.

We're two different people.

I'm going to go with you.

What movies do you guys want to watch tonight?

Oh, you want to watch that romantic thing with Ryan Gosling?

The Danceman number?

You know what I mean?

Dancing in Atlanta?

Is that a movie?

I don't know. Dancing in Atlanta? Whatever, it's something that he would do, right? I'll go.
You know what I mean? Dancing in Atlanta? Is that a movie? I don't know.

Dancing in Atlanta?

Whatever.

It's something that he would do, right?

I'll go.

You guys want to go to Fuddruckers?

I'll eat a hamburger.

Is that still open?

Delicious.

There's one in Burbank.

I love it.

There is?

Yeah.

I thought they all closed down.

There's a spaghetti factory, too,

at West Covina.

Spaghetti factory.

Spaghetti factory.

But I'm going to go with you.

Yeah, you are.

How are you going to leave?

What if I don't tell you?

Oh, wow.

So it's Friday night.

You're putting makeup on your face and putting glitter on your whatever fucking young girls do.

Glitter, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Patching the glitter on her face.

You know what I mean?

Glitter patches.

I look like a fucking, you know, fairy.

Whatever.

I'm a fairy. That's what they do.
Right. What they do, what they do right they put their lips ooh my lips you know what I mean they need me shiny and colorful I'm a fairy with puckered lips puckered lips right she puts on her jam jams on whatever they fucking call them jam jams yeah yeah she puts on her fucking uggs oh oogus yeah oogus right right? And get your toes done.
And then she's like, Bye! I go, and I'll go, you know when you say bye, you know what I'll say? Bye! To Kalilah, because we're both leaving. Right? So I'll drive, you can drive whatever, but I'm fucking going.
Okay. That's how it goes, kid.
You don't have a choice. You don't have a choice you don't have a choice well also you know it also has clearance over where you guys are going because she's 18 19 you're 19 in American years but that's like 15 in Filipino no she's 19 in Filipino years but that's like 15 in American years right I don't know if she likes that but but it makes perfect sense to me.
But you're going to be controlled for sure. Bobby's going to have to go with you.
In fact, how about this? Bob can go on a date with you guys. George has to come film it.
Do you want to come? Can I come? You should come. Let's go on a date, all four of us.
It's a double date. Let's do a triple.
Let's bring Claude and your wife. Okay.
Do you want to do that? Yeah. Then all three of us go on a date.
All three of us. What's wrong with that? That way, we're not going to go to some shitty hamburger spot.
You can come, but you can sit on another table. Whoa, you don't tell us where to sit.
This way we can go, hey, you want to go to Morton's?

Steakhouse.

Yeah, I mean, or you want to go to Palm's?

Like somewhere nice.

Boa.

Let's go to Boa Steakhouse.

You want to go to Boa and get a steak?

Right.

So then we bring up, you pick up your mechanic friend.

Freddy.

Whatever his name is. What's the mechanic's name?

You don't have to say it.

No, say his name.

We'll bleep it out.

Oh, we'll bleep it.

We'll bleep it.

Freddy.

No, that's not his name. It's Freddy.
No, it will believe it will believe it freddy no that's not his name it's freddy no it's not i told you it's freddy freddy okay so we pick up freddy we're not we're leaving that in we're leaving it okay yeah no no we're leaving it and we pick up freddy yeah at the fucking you know gas station right right and then get in kid yeah and he's like wiping his hand with grease, right? Ding, ding. Yeah.
Throws the fucking rag down. Hey.
Hey. Bye, Dad.
Takes off his onesie. His dad always works there, too, right? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. His dad's like.
Right. Well, he says bye, and his dad's like, fuck you.
Yeah. I love you, Dad.
Right. He gets in the car, right? And then we go to a nice restaurant.
Mm-hmm. And then we can grill the fuck out of him.
Yeah, we can find out all we need to know about this guy. All kinds of stuff, yeah.
So what are you Googling Pornhub? He's like, I don't watch pornography, sir. Then that's good.
Liar, though. He's a liar.
Give us your phone. Yeah, oh, that's true.
I want to go through his phone. I want to see how many other girls he's texting.
I want to see what his safari search history is. Right.
Yeah. I also want to see – I also want a little deep dive in to see if there's any protected folders on his phone.
You know what I would also do is I would bring up my medical gear and go to the bathroom and go, let me see it. Whip out your penis now.
And just see if there's any bumps or any – wait, wait. Right? I would do it all, right? Right.
Dick, look, look. I might even just, just for a laugh, I would do this.
Just for a giggle. We're going on a triple date.
And we're going to meet Freddie. Are you into it? No.
Good. Yeah, I know.
But that's going to happen because you're not going to go into some guy's car. And the next thing you know, it's three in the morning.
You're right. We can't get a hold of you.
Young Filipino girl goes missing in L.A. Yeah.
And then it's like it's like in the Freddie, like the next day is working at the mechanic store. No, he's gone.
They took off. We'll go back to the we'll go back to the gas station.
He quit. And his dad and his dad.
Freddie. Yeah.
Oh, no. He left years ago.
Oh,'s a ghost it's a ghost it's a ghost right we're like well where can we find him he's like I think he went to one of them farms way up in Visalia that's right because when I was checking his sack right my hands went through the sack it was like a paranormal fucking yeah so then we go up to the farm in Visalia we go. So then we go up to the farm in Visalia.
We go to the farm in Visalia. Yeah.
And where is he? In the kitchen. His back turned to us.
Yeah. And we all walk in and...
Freddy! And you ask his name. Say, Freddy! Who am I playing? You.
You're Bobby. Yeah? I'm me.
Freddy! Freddy! Freddy! Freddy. Call his name.
Freddy. I mean, act like you're in the scene with us.
Freddy. Freddy.
You know, what if it was something scary where it's like we can't ever find her, right? Yeah. She's missing.
She goes missing. Right.
And then they find her like in a tomb in Egypt. Rudy? Yeah.
Wow. Like she's in a cat tomb.
Well, you know how the pharaohs? Yeah. And they found, yeah, they find, you know what I mean? Juliana, right? With the ears, right, in a cat tomb like this.
And they say she's been dead for 3,000 years or whatever. Whoa.
4,000 years. That wouldn't surprise me.
And then what is she now to us? Oh. Right.
We don't know. See, she's a prophet from another dimension.
That would be scary. If our show, if Bad Friends was a murder mystery movie, who gets killed first? Well, the premise of the thing would be Jules is dead.
Jules is dead. Yeah, because if we did a real movie, she, first of all, I don't think she would want to act in it.
She's a good actor. I know, but she doesn't want it.
Like whenever we go, like I go like sing for me or look at her face. She doesn't like singing.

Do you know how many comments we got about us

making a band

that we had?

You know when we sung?

I know.

You know how many people

said that you were

a great singer

and they loved it?

Yeah.

No, I didn't see.

So many people.

Yeah.

And if we did a band,

right,

you would be the lead singer.

You didn't know that?

No.

Yeah.

Yeah, you would.

You would.

Sing something for us.

Please.

Please.

My throat hurts. No, no, no, it doesn't.
Drink some of that hand sanitizer. Yeah, you would.
You would. Sing something for us.
Please. Please.
My throat hurts.

No, no, no, it doesn't.

Drink some of that hand sanitizer.

Yeah, drink some hand sanitizer.

It'll clear it right out.

Yeah, but I think, so if we did a show about a murder, she would have to be dead.

So then she could play a dead girl, right?

Right.

Right.

She could just, you know, whatever.

A dead girl.

A dead girl, yeah.

Do you think, Andres, if we were a murder mystery, George is the neighbor, the creepy neighbor. Andres is – he's got to be someone that works on the farm for us.
Also, Andres is also the mystery guy. Andres is the guy in the movie where the whole audience suspects he does it.
it, right? But he's not the guy.

And he's also the guy that gives us valid information at the end of the movie.

Right.

It's like an Aaron Brockovich.

Do you remember Aaron Brockovich?

You love this movie.

I love Aaron Brockovich.

You've seen a thousand times.

Yeah.

Where that one character was like really creepy, would like show up, hang out, like kind of

see-

They wanted you to not like him.

And then he had all the information. Right.
Right. That character.
Yeah. That's Andres.
That's Andres. Except with a little Latin flair.
Right. Andres, do you prefer to be called Latinx? No.
Because, I'm asking you, I'm being serious. Is Latino offensive? I don't think so.
I mean, everybody's very concerned now about that stuff. But I'm also not Latino.
I think Latino means Latin American. Yeah, that's where you are to us.
Okay, then yes. Then I'm Latinx.
Thank you. Would you think you were European? You're not.
You're not. You're not.
You're south of the border, bud. Yeah.
You're Taco Bell to us. Yeah, you're below the equator for sure.
Right? Yeah. You know that, right? Yeah.
I wonder how many people really take offense to any of that stuff. Hey, Andreas.
Yeah? Be honest with you. Me.
Not you, but just be honest with me. Do Spanish people just have a general feeling that they're better than Mexicans? Of course.
Think first are you spanish x it's like british to americans you know oh fuck you we threw them out of here we won that war we won dude fucking a we won our independence and we got our own country okay so it's big why do you why do you hate mexicans so much not you but just your no no no him he does i know why do you not like them uh dude it's so funny because you and i you and i get in the hot seat every week we say something stupid yeah now it's time for him to make a right just make a listen people like to people love this podcast because we express our point of view. And it's as stupid as it may be.
And it's dumb. Yeah.
Right? That's what's great about this podcast. I just say dumb things and I don't even know what I'm saying, but I just do it because this is who I am.
Well, just for fun, Andres. Tell us.
Be authentically you. They mess up the language a lot, you know? Oh, they mess up.
Oh. And that's annoying to you, isn't it? That's annoying? Yeah.
What about their fashion? Yeah, they're not as fashionable. Well, you don't like it? It's okay.
Yeah. So let me tell you something, Andres.
You know who, but just before we get into that, is Hispanic people, especially in like, because the only Mexico that I've seen, I've never been to Mexico City. Resort Mexico you've been to.
Some, but I've also mainly been to Juarez and Tijuana. Right, across the border.
And I love – I have every Mexican dude that I've seen, like older Mexican dude walking around Tijuana, I've wanted to buy their jeans. They have great jeans.
What they're wearing. Why? Because they're so weathered.
Right. From working.

Yeah, but they're being – you know what I mean?

I buy shit like that because I'm being ironically hip about it, right?

But I want to buy their jeans because it's – but they don't have no idea that they look cool.

Well, they look – right.

You like it because it looks like they're putting effort.

I just said something so gross just now.

It was.

But it's okay.

I'm being honest.

You're being honest and it's fine. I get it.
Andres. Yeah.
In your apartment that you're in right now. Yeah.
Let's say a Mexican couple moves in next door. You got beef already with them or no? Yeah, absolutely.
Wow. I'm telling them to put the music down.
Put the music down.

Andres, if he comes over and he introduces

himself, are you going

to be polite and nice or are you going to automatically

give him a little bit of shit?

Yeah, totally. Polite and nice.

Knock, knock, knock, knock. He's here.

He's here.

Mister, my name is Javier.

Mister, my name is Javier. I'm your new neighbor.

I don't speak English.

Oh, excuse me. You are speaking English right now.
Oh, sorry. I don't speak Spanish.
Oh, why the attitude, sir? Look, I'm tired of, you know, your food, your music, your loud. This is so racist.
Andres has shown his true colors. Oh, my God.
He hates Mexicans. He hates them.
Wow, I didn't know there was that much beef. Yeah, there is some beef there.
Look, I'm tired of your music, he says. Yeah, yeah.
Your food? Your food. Their food's the best.
Best? You don't like Mexican food? Three times a week I eat it. Andres, do you not like Mexican food? For real? No, I love it.
Oh, you do? Okay. I also love the music.
I know you do. All right.
Good character. I like the bit.
Good bit. I like the good bit.
Andres, good bit. Yeah, yeah.
Now, is your wife racist at all? Absolutely. She's from the South.
She's from the South. Oh, she's from the South.
So there's a difference between like the North and the South of Spain? No, she's from the south of the US.

Dude, she's from here.

His wife is one of us.

Wait, wait.

Your wife.

We'll put it in reverse if you're going to go back.

That's how I do it.

No, you eat means you stopped.

Oh, that's true.

I used the wrong.

Yeah, yeah.

I used the wrong.

But let me just do my sound effect. All right, do yours.
Wait a second. Right? So your wife is Mexican? No.
No. She's white? She's from America.
Is she white? Yes. He doesn't like to say it.
Oh, he doesn't? Because in case his family hears it, they're disappointed. She's white.
She's white. I see.
His family doesn't like it that his wife is white. Are you being real? Yeah, it bothers them.
Who do they want him to see? Someone like him. He's white, kind of.
He's close. Yeah.
Do they know her name, at least? No, they don't. No.
They don't. He hasn't revealed anything.
I've made up a name for them. Wait, wait.
They don't even know you're dating anybody? No. You're married to her, right? What did you tell your family her name was? Maria.
You know it's... Maria.
And you're married to her, right? Yes. And they didn't go to the wedding? No, they didn't.
How do you do that? Well, we just run to the courthouse. They went to the courthouse.
And so when are you going to tell your parents?

Oof, in a couple of years, maybe when there's, you know.

When they're close to dying.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

So Maria, your wife, has never met your parents.

Right.

And your parents, they don't miss you?

Not really.

Wait, wait, so you're, how many kids, this is very interesting to me.

Can I just ask you some questions? Absolutely. So you grew up with a mom and a dad, correct? They don't have mom and dads in Spain Yeah, it's more like an uncle than a nun Nope So your parents, what did your parents do for a living? Shoemakers Don't they all make shoes? Yes They just works.
Clogs. Yeah.
They just work at the university. Oh, so they're smart.
Yeah, they're smart. So then how many siblings do you have? One.
Right. So when you have parents – when you have kids, you raise them, right? You don't – and it's just odd to me that they wouldn't want to even have any kind of contact with you.
Right. So did something happen? Yeah.
What happened? I married an American white girl. But they don't know about it, so how could that be a conflict yet? Well, I think my brother told them.
And so they're mad. Yeah.
They said don't come back. Don't come back.
They said don't come back? Right. Oh, shit.

That's heavy shit.

That's fucking heavy and bullshit, dude.

What part of the country is your wife from?

The South.

You know, the bad part.

No, no, no.

What state?

South Carolina.

Ooh.

Oh.

You married a redneck, huh?

Yeah.

I mean, that's what it was.

No, you know what's so funny?

You think if you married a Yankee, it would have been fine?

If you married a girl from like... Maybe.
I don't know. Your cousin what? My cousin married a Vietnamese girl.
She's a kind girl. And my uncle and aunt didn't go to the wedding.
Really? Yeah. Because she was Vietnamese.
Shut up. I swear to God.
What do they say? How do they justify that? They go – we won't support it?

Yeah, it's funny. I've had – my brother and I have had a wear on our parents over the years.
Sure. Whereas if we didn't do that, my parents would have voted for Trump I think.
You know what I mean? If I hadn't done that, I think my parents would be like – if they saw a gay person, they'd run across the street. Really? Oh, yeah, yeah.
I think that – I think, yeah. yeah i think it's american kids if you're an ethnic kid you know with immigrant parents and they have a certain ideology i think it's our job to fucking change it change it and cut away at all those things right now you know before my dad died they were all they loved all people they they loved all you know genders that's because you influence and we influence them it's like i i won't have it right any other way it's like who are you gonna vote for mccain no barack so you just told them and they would do it you know i mean so it's like you know you it's our jobs to do that i think well it's your job to teach him to not hate that yeah yeah and it's like so um i just um i don't know i just think it's so fucking fucked up, man.
They wouldn't go to the – I told you what happened. I told you I was in a bar in Philadelphia and I ordered bullet bourbon and I like drinking it.
I just wanted to have a little bit and the girl says, we don't serve that here, okay? Real attitude like – Bullet bourbon? Yeah. And I was like, oh, OK, I'll just take something else.
And she goes, yeah, what else? I said, maybe knob. Do you have knob or something? Yeah.
Leaves. Comes back.
She like slams it down. And she goes, you know, they're homophobes.
The whole family is homophobic. And this is a gay bar.
You're in a gay neighborhood. I said, OK, I don't care.
I i just wanted to have how would you know that anyway well there was a guy sucking dick at the front door no how would you know that the the the liquor that you're you know i mean i know that was what i said how the fuck would you know that how could i know so i pick up my phone i get on there one of those situations where i'm like oh this is why the parent you know old white dude old white kentucky you know that old family of bourbon the daughter's gay and she's the only one that's not in the in the company doesn't get any of the money from the company and the father refused to support her marriage to her her girlfriend so then that's why it had got i didn't know i never heard that fucking story before but i I was like, that's a bummer. I also – I'm still going to drink Bullet Bourbon.
It's really good. Can I tell you something? How could I know? I did an IBM commercial once.
Yeah, and they're racist. No, but I booked the commercial and this – I'm not going to say who.
We still know who she is. The casting director? No, but she's a comic.
I'm not going to say who it is. What what time about the comic that's in the commercial no i somebody the people found out in in the comedy community that i booked a ibm campaign sure and some girl came up to me i can't believe you're doing that and i go what do you mean making money yeah and she's like no you know ibm helped with counting you know the nazis they use some of their technology to count the numbers of the Jews and stuff like that.
Really? Yeah. That's a real story? Yeah.
They had something to do with it. Like the algorithms? Yeah, algorithms or something, right? And I go, oh, well, I'm still going to get paid.
I mean, why do you want me to – you know what I mean? Like I'm not going to do it. You know what I mean? That was a long time ago.
But I call bullshit on anyone that says that stuff because you know that's not – It's crazy. Well, how about this? Yeah.
I work for Disney now. Yeah.
Walt Disney was like a known anti-Semite. Like out loud.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like out loud.
Yeah. So what are you saying? All the people that work for Disney now, should they all just quit their jobs? Well, you know, yeah, it is a strange...
30,000 people. It's bullshit.
Like, I was watching Apocalypto, and I liked that movie, but I know that Mel Gibson is a little... Right? A little bit.
A little bit, right? And I know how we feel about certain things. So there is that question of, like, should I be watching this? He still gets jobs.
That's true. That new Santa Claus movie looks good.
It looks really good. Yeah, yeah.
I'm not going to watch it, but. I might.
I might. I might.
I just don't think you can control any of that stuff. I said that to Neil Brennan and I were talking one time about how people were.
Remember when people deleted Uber off their phone because the CEO was. Was it Uber or Lyft? Uber.
It was Uber. The CEO was.
What was it? Against gay marriage? It was something like that. Like they were.
Whatever. And people were all self-righteous like, oh, fuck Uber, I'm not going to, because he donated to like a Republican campaign, some bullshit.
But I was like, look at the irony that you're tweeting about deleting Uber from your phone made by Chinese slave kids. Yeah.
Like how fucking justified are you? These things are made by slave kids, dude. Yeah.
So shut the fuck up.

I mean, I know.

Like you think you're so self-righteous.

It's so hard.

Everything you make is made by someone who's probably getting underpaid and overused.

Your shirt, your jeans, your car, everything we do, this is all made by a kid.

It's hard.

I mean, it's a bummer, but it's made by kids over there. Over there, yeah.
Do you have any friends that worked in a clothing factory? No. Do you know about them? They don't have those in the Philippines.
It's not? It's just Thailand? No, it's just Thailand. I feel like I've seen Philippines on stuff.
Yep. There are.
There are, but I don't feel like... I've never heard of like...
You didn't have a family friend who worked in a factory? Some of them, yeah. Like what do they make? I think China is a thing.
Yeah, China is too obvious. I mean they always outsource to like Philippines.
We outsource to China. China outsources to the Philippines? Yeah, to save even more money.
It costs way less to make it there. China costs less for us.
This costs less for them. And I don't even know what's below them.
But I think that Philippines is a hub of shady shit in terms of like, because I heard of, just hear me out, North Korea, right? One of the great imports. Greatest country.
Crystal methamphetamine. North Korea is one of the biggest importers of crystal meth.
A lot. A big importer.
And this is what I heard. Wait a minute.
Just let me tell you what I've heard. Okay.
And then you can make questions. I'll pick it apart.
Pick it apart. So that I heard that Korea has a lot of crystal meth and fatamine factories.
And they don't feed. This is what I heard.
They don't feed their employees or the people that work there. They feed them with, pay them with crystal meth.
So they work harder. Yeah, smart.
So then they ship the crystal meth, a mass amounts of it, to the Philippines at their harbor, and that's where they, you know what I mean, they section it off. This is going to go to America.
Right, right, right. What do you know about that? Have you heard anything like that? No, but I think that might be kind of true because in the Philippines, there's a big war on drugs.
Isn't drugs in the Philippines really illegal? Yeah, really illegal. You could die, right? They can kill you.
Yeah, you can. They beat you to death if you have...
They shoot you in the street. Oh, they shoot you? Yeah, the government can do anything.
So can they... When I see they've beaten someone to death for committing a crime, who gets beat to death? What do you have to do to get beat to death? If you're suspected on having drugs or selling drugs.

They can beat you to death.

Yeah.

That's crazy.

Marijuana?

Yeah.

Marijuana.

It's illegal there.

It's illegal.

Do people smoke weed there?

Yeah.

They have to hide in the back or in the jungle.

Hide in the jungle. Smoke weed in the jungle.

Which makes sense, I guess.

It's hot.

It's hot. And humid.
And the cops aren't going to go in there. They're not.
They'll beat you to death for smoking weed. Yeah, or just shoot you.
Or they just shoot you. Yeah.
Do the cops, they just shoot people sometimes and people just are like, okay. Yeah.
That's why the people are very scared. Well, no shit.
Well, it's like in Thailand. You know the rules in Thailand? Did I ever tell you about Thailand? What? What if you're watching a movie in Thailand, they show a 20-minute movie about the king.
Oh, yeah, beforehand. And you have to stand.
Yeah, and you have to watch that before they get to see the movie. No, you have to stand and salute it.
Right? In Thailand? Yeah. That sounds like North Korea.
No. And then when you're walking down the street at like 6 p.m., they have all these speakers in Thailand and music starts playing.

Propaganda.

Right.

And you have to freeze, right, until the music's done and then you can move on.

Do they want you to –

Right.

But this is what I did because I was there with a bunch of actors and stuff from Australia.

Yeah.

So we would be walking in the park and people would freeze and I would do this. For like 12 minutes.
And then when the music stopped I would see how long I could stay in this position. For like 45 minutes I would do it to make people laugh.
What's coming out of the speaker? Like some music and some propaganda about the king. And also there's statues of statues of the king, right? Yeah.
And I would do stuff like to piss. Like I would just piss off like the production.
Like we would see it and I would spit on the – I would take a gum and just spit it at the king. You can get me bad.
Can they hurt you for that? Yeah, they can behead you for it. What? Yeah, yeah.
Wait, didn't the Thai king just come out after like 20 years in hiding?

Wasn't that a news story that just came?

I don't know.

Did you read that?

I don't know that much about history.

I'm just telling you the rules.

No, no, no.

I'm saying he-

I'm just telling you the rules, man.

He never makes appearances.

Yeah.

And apparently he just made an appearance.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Yeah.
Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.