No Tater Tots In Spain

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Terms and conditions apply. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? White dude and Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
I have the iPhone 13. It doesn't exist.
I know. That's how cool I am.
Okay. I know a guy that has a time machine.
What's his name? Salvador Dalo. Salvador Dalo.
Yeah, yeah. Not Dali.
Dalo. Dalo.
Salvador Dalo, right? He's a Spain futurist. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he can time travel between different time periods.
That's what time traveling is. Right.
Right. And, well, last night I was watching a movie.
It's an Indonesian movie. I get a knock on my bedroom door.
And I go, bonjour. Bonjour.
He goes, hello. He has a weird accent.
He's from the future. And I go, what's up? And there was a glow.
Like he's knocking, but there's a glow too. Right? And I could see that he's glowing.
It was a pinkish, orangish, bright light. So it's like my – No, it's better.
Okay. It's more prominent.
And he goes – like waved it, right? And then I waved my hand like this, and it appeared in my hand. That's what the iPhone 13 does.
Wow. Yeah, it transports.
Can I tell you what I did the other day? What? I hit someone's car with my car. That's not have anything to do with iPhones.
Yes, it is. What happened? I hit the car and iPhones fell out.
It was an Apple car.

It was? Yeah. Wow.
That's how I got the new iPhone. That's how you got it? Yeah.
You hit an Apple car. Apple car, yeah.
Right? I've seen those on the road. They're all over the place.
Right. You hit them as hard as you can.
I saw it and I hit the gas. Because it's a run on iPhone 12s.
It runs on 10 and 11. Oh, it does.
I got that.

And they have 12 and 13 inside.

Ah, I got that.

And normal people are walking around with the 12 like it's cool.

The 13 is what we've got.

The new one that's not even out yet.

Yeah.

But you know, it's like whenever these things come out, you go, what is it?

What's the real improvement here?

Nothing.

They do one little thing.

I know.

We got a new filter for you on the camera. It a thousand dollars it just isn't the same it isn't it used to be a member before i said that to i got into an argument with an apple employee and he was like just being rude yeah and i was like you know this place went to shit when that guy died apple was so much cooler when you said out.
Yeah. When he died from that fucking stupid cancer.
Yeah, cancer. I think that's what you said.
No. Well, yeah, cancer is stupid.
Sure. I said when Steve Jobs died, Apple went kaput.
It's true. How inventive was it back in the day? Oh, it's right.
So cool. Yeah.
And then at some point when he died, they were like, we'll put out a watch. And you're like what yeah or i hate when they go this is the new phone and then you're like what is it and then see the cover it extends or like it wraps around like the screens in the back too so what like who gives a shit yeah i don't care i don't want to do this no it's i want to look at the front keep it right here well you know what they did now on the new phone you phone? You don't get a charger anymore.
Yeah. You get the cable, but you don't get the wall block.
Yeah. But the cable they give you is USB-C, not USB, not the old one.
So the old little blocks that you have? Yeah. Gone.
I mean, you could still use them with the same fire thing. So they want you to buy their new usbc wall chargers and no headphones right they're bastards about that why no headphones i like the wire headphones i still like them yeah i like the wire ones but i also hate the fact that like my ipad doesn't charge on the mobile one does yours wait my ipad for this one my ipad doesn't charge on the mobile one.
Does yours? Wait, my iPad. For this one, my iPad doesn't charge on this charger.
What? Seriously? Yeah. Is it the old? Wait.
I don't know what the fuck, but I got to get two different ones. My iPad, I got one, and it charges on this thing.
This thing is the same now. It is? I think so.
I don't know. I don't know.
Because I just put the wires there. There's an Apple charger in every port in my house.
Yeah. And then the iPhone also makes you feel like you have to lie to it.
All the time. When you're driving.
Yeah. And it says, this phone won't turn on unless, because you're driving.
Are you driving? But then you press and you say, I'm not driving. I'm not driving.
But I am driving. You know what I mean? So then you have to lie to it.
Yeah. I'm not driving, right? Meanwhile, I'm playing Candy Crush.
The whole time. The whole time when I'm driving.
Like this. Yeah, yeah.
Why do you make me lie? You know, do you enable location services? This is a real big debate whether or not – do you let Apple – do you send data back to Apple? Oh, yeah. I want to know – I want them to know where I am.
They do. Good.
They know regardless. Because if I'm lost – if, like, for instance, let's say this, okay? Uh-huh let's say this okay one day i just vanished from the face of the earth please okay no a lot of people feel no no no no that's fine no okay but and then it's like and all of a sudden i wake up i get knocked knocked unconscious and i'm in the desert where were you with that night that it happened do you remember oh yeah i was at a raven ramona oh you're? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So there's a city named Ramona by my – I grew up in Poway. Yeah.
And the town north of us – I think it was – or east was a town called – I'd never been there. But I was in a Raven Ramona.
Ah. Right? And I'm – I have glow sticks, right? I have a lollipop in my hand, right? And there's only three people there.
There's only three people. And I'm doing it, right? I'm doing it.
I'm doing it. And then I hear zap, zap, zap, zap.
Right? I hear a bunch of zaps. Ooh.
And all of a sudden I black out. I open my eyes and I'm in a desert Mojave desert.
Mojave. That's what I said.
Right. That's what you said.
Yeah, yeah. That's what I said.
So you're in the Mojave Desert.

Mojave Desert.

Right.

And who's around you?

No one.

And I'm in a shack.

Oh, you're in a shack.

But you're safe.

So you're safe.

No.

There's no walls.

Oh.

There's no walls.

It's like a...

It's a gazebo.

Gazebo.

You're in a gazebo.

Yeah, my bad.

Which can be nice depending on who made them.

Yeah, but there's also a bed, right?

And I wake up...

A twin? A single? A single bed, right? I wake up and I'm completely naked. Okay? And I have my iPhones on my chest.
Just perfectly in the cavern of your chest? Yeah, the cavern of my chest. And when you wake up in the desert in a gazebo, you make a certain noise.
I don't know if you've ever been in that space. No, what is it? Oh.
Yeah. Like calming, really.
Oh, it's... No, okay, paranoid.
Yeah, it's more. Oh, it's bad.
It's more like... I'm scared.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, I'm scared.
So I'm... You know what I mean? I don't know where I am.
I was in a fucking rave in Ramona. Right.
Right? And then all of a sudden... but then all of a sudden you hear a car.

Drones.

Oh, a car.

Yeah, yeah, not a drone.

Sorry.

Yeah, not a drone.

The noise sounded like a drone, to be fair.

Well, that's because it's from far.

Oh, the car far away?

Yeah, because the drone, I get what you're saying.

If there was a drone near me, it would sound like that.

You wouldn't hear a drone 10 miles away.

Yeah, you would.

You might.

You're right.

You're absolutely correct. Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, but this is what a car sounds far, far away. That's what it is.
Small hum. Why don't you do the sound effects in my story? Okay, here we go.
Yeah. But you know what? I know what that is.
You know what I know what it is? It's the Apple car.

They're on the way to rescue you.

And they show up and they go, Mr. Lee.

Yeah, thank you for turning on your location. Thank you for turning on your location services.

And I go, it does work.

And they put you in the car and they go, you bet.

Yeah, and I'm in the car with what?

Apples.

Yeah, but 12s and 13s.

New apples.

Wow. Do you have an iPhone, Rudy?s and 13s.
New apples. Yeah.
Wow.

Do you have an iPhone, Rudy?

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's an iPhone 2.

That's all they have in the Philippines.

You have to still crank it to turn it on?

Yeah.

No?

No, it's an XR.

What's that?

A 10?

10, 10.

It's a 10?

Extra regular.

Yeah, it's an extra regular phone.

The XR.

Wait, 10 is, it's X.

X10, right? X is 10. X means 10 in Roman numerals.
You like it? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
She plays her mobile legends on it. She likes to get on her Instagram.
You know, kid stuff. Did you ever, okay, this is a good question for your generation.
Did you watch Quibi? Do you know what Quibi is? No. That says everything you need to know of why they went bankrupt.
Yeah. Do you know what they are? I just did this.
That thing I did was a Quibi thing. Oh, it was? Yeah.
They're just bankrupt, right? They're done. So it's not going to come out, the thing I did? I mean, it's over.
I mean, Quibi is dissolved. Like, it's going to be...
I mean, I don't... I think that the app is still running, but I mean, they're leveling the company.
Because Bill Burr... Bill Burr...
Who's that? He's... You should know.
It's like me not knowing who Ben Bong is. Ben Fong? Ben Bong.
I call – that's Ken Jeong, but we call him Ben Bong. That's like me not knowing Ben Bong.
Ken Jeong's got more shows on television than anybody I've ever seen. He's hosting a new show.
Yeah. But so – Doesn't want to talk about it.
I'll talk about it in a second. But no, I'm really concerned now because Bill Burr – Produced it.
Has a sketch show on Quibi, and then a bunch of us did the sketch show.

Yeah.

So that's not going to come out then.

Maybe.

I mean, Quibi is, to my understanding, Quibi is no more.

Can we talk about you going to Zion or no?

I'm not going to Zion.

Where are you going?

Zion is in the movie The Matrix, correct?

Zion, the National Forest.

Is that where we're going? Oh, I didn't know. How do you not know where you're going? I thought we were going to go to the desert.
Zion is in the desert. Zion.
Joshua Tree. Joshua Tree and Zion aren't the same thing.
Are they close? No. We're going to Zion instead of Joshua Tree? I just know we're going to the desert.

See?

This family.

Wait, wait.

When I said Zion,

when he just said Zion,

you agreed with him?

She just said yes to say yes.

No, no, get your mic to the mouth.

When I said Zion,

you agreed with him.

Did you understand what he was saying?

I thought Zion was in Joshua Tree.

Yeah, but Zion is not.

So we're going to Joshua Tree. Right.
So we're not going to Zion. Yeah, but Zion is not.
So we're going to Joshua Tree.

Right, so we're not going to Zion.

Yeah.

Why are you laughing?

This poor girl hasn't gotten any sleep in days.

So you're going to Zion or Joshua Tree?

Where are you going?

Joshua Tree.

I thought you said Zion.

George, didn't you say Zion?

I said J-Tree.

He said what?

J-Tree.

Jewish tree?

No, Joshua Tree. Oh, okay.
Well, Josh could be a Jewish. It's a Jewish name.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess it-Tree.
He said what? J-Tree. Jewish tree? No, Joshua Tree.

Oh, okay.

Well, Josh could be a Jewish.

It's a Jewish name.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess it could be true.

Yeah.

So you're going to Joshua Tree, which is in California.

Zion is in Utah.

Two completely different places.

A five-hour difference.

Yeah, I'm not going.

If I were going to Utah, I would not be going.

It's beautiful out there, bud.

I'm sure it sounds beautiful with the lakes and all that stuff, but I'm not going.

The Utah lakes?

Whatever.

Yeah. I'm not going to go.
So what are you going to joshua tree for ah wow well that's an interesting question it's there to connect with spirituality and the natures two things you don't do and i'm trying and i'm going to tell you something right now there's a peaceful um there's a peaceful feeling out there there's a peaceful nothing a peaceful. There's nothing going on.
Easy feeling.

Wait a minute.

Are you guys staying in a glamping thing?

You're doing like a glamping hut?

Yeah.

We always stay in like a trailer house out there. And there's always Filipino games we play like Chikicha, you know.

And it's pretty much Chikicha and then eating.

What's Chikicha?

I don't even understand it, but it's a game where you have to get rid of all your cards. Can you explain it? I'm not really good at Chickie Cha.
Tito Bobby's good, so I don't know how to explain it better. I'm pretty good at it.
Chickie Cha. I'm not going to go into the fucking details of a complicated card game.
How do you know the fans don't want to know what Chickie Cha is? Okay, Chickie Cha is this, all right? By the way, it inherently sounds like a racist card game name. What do I mean? Chick-A-Chaw? Get down in that hole, Chick-A-Chaw.
What are you guys playing? Chick-A-Chaw? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're chasing each other around the desert? Chick-A-Chaw? Look what I did.
I hung about 15 Chick-A-Chaws in that one tree. Right? You see the Chick-A-Chaw came to town.
We gonna kick him out. Yeah.
But, yeah, it's a card game. And then what else do I do?

What I'm gonna bring my new Game Boy

and probably start a new farm on Stardew Valley.

To really connect with nature, the Game Boy out there.

Do you mean Game Boy, Nintendo's Game Boy is back?

Not Game Boy, Switch.

Oh.

Yeah, Nintendo Switch.

40 years difference of games.

Whatever.

I miss Game Boy.

I love Game Boy, yeah.

But I'm gonna bring my Switch out there

and then there's gonna be a lot of arguing. Yeah.
About Bob let's go on the fucking trail not gonna happen I have to go but then I complain a lot how many people are going in total ten ten ten yeah okay but um the four of us is going to stay in one house and then the other.

Yeah.

Wait, who's four?

Me, you, Kalilah.

And me.

No.

Roger, Matas.

But Kalilah's going to sleep with Atika Winda.

So I'm sleeping by myself?

Yeah.

Why?

Because Atika Winda doesn't have Renzo.

The dog?

No.

Yeah, yeah. Renzo the dog.

Her partner.

Yeah. Who is a dog? Which is sad.
It's called Peace Valley. And I'm not for it.
Me neither. But they rub the coochies together at the front.
Don't you want to sleep alone? I love sleeping alone. I do.
I hate sleeping in the same bed. I love going on the road and finally...
In your own hotel by yourself? Oh my god, dude. And I put candy on the fucking bed.
You know what? I just talked to somebody about this today, about eating in bed. Eating in bed is my favorite thing on earth.
I'll go to some convenience store and I'll get fruits and candy and some breads. And I'll just lay them all over the bed.
I'll sit in Indian style. I'll turn on some garbage TV.
Native American style? My bad. Latinx? Latinx style.
And I just crumbs all over the bed. Peanut butter, I don't give a fuck.
And I wake up with just shit on my face. You know what I mean? And sometimes I'll sleep at 9 in the morning.
You'll go to bed at 9 in the morning? Yeah. Well, they got the blackout curtains.
Do you have blackout curtains in your room at home? I don't know what it is, but light seeps through. It drives me crazy.
You know what you can do? For like $3 on Amazon, you can buy the stuff that we've got here in the studio, and you put it on the windows. It's just black.
It doesn't look good, though. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, you. It's only, it covers up windows.
It doesn't look good, though, on the windows. Oh, who cares? And the windows that I have is the wall window.
Oh. The whole wall is a window.
Oh. Right, so it's a whole thing.
Oh, that's a nightmare. We have a button that you press, and it comes down.
When it gets stuck, that'll be fun for you to deal with.

I'll already replace it twice.

It gets unraveled, right?

And then you have to, oh, it's the worst.

So we're getting the house painted right now.

Parts of the place inside the house.

And I painted a lot when we first moved in.

I did a lot of handiwork.

But then at some point you're like, I can't, I don't want to, it's way too hard.

Too much room to paint.

And the guy today, I go uh he's cleaning out a brush and i go oh hey the hose is right there yeah and he goes the what i go the hose is right there because he was using like cups of water yeah and he goes oh the hose oh okay okay and then he goes i'm not kidding i'm not making this up. Yeah.
I'm saying to him... Please tell me he's Mexican.
Huh? Huh? Is he Mexican? He's Korean. That's what he sounds like.
Yeah. Okay, okay.
Okay, okay. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, a little Korean guy. Yeah, yeah.
And I think he knows that I'm saying, use the hose to clean your brushes and stuff on the side of the house. Yeah.
Oh, good. Don't use cups of water.
He goes, gets the hose. I go back.
I'm putting the dog in the other room and giving her food and as I pass the window I see him. He's drinking out of the hose.
I'm not kidding. So that's what he thought you meant? I think so.
Yeah. He probably didn't even want to do it.
He was just like, the master. He says to the other guy, he goes, he made me drink out of the host.
Yeah. I think maybe he was still cleaning but had a drink.
But then I was like, no, you guys can have water in here. I gave them bottles of water and Gatorade.
Real good water. Yeah, I gave them fucking, I gave them good water and Gatorade.
What if they use that for the paint? He probably did. But when he was drinking the water and then I kind of looked at him

and you know when you make eye contact

and he's watching me

while he's drinking?

Yeah.

And I stopped and I was like,

oh, fuck.

And I had to keep moving

because I didn't want to make

another conversation out of it.

So now I'm afraid that

he thinks I was making him

drink hose water.

Oh.

And then it's like

he's going to be on like

Republicans, voters against Trump and do a video. He's like, I was painting his house.
The news is going to be out front of my house. Yeah, I'm going to vote for Biden.
Channel 9 News, we're here outside of Andrew Santino's house. Israel, tell us what happened.
Well, the man, the orange head man. He's definitely a Trump supporter.
He is orange like Trump? He's a bad guy? He made me drink hose water? By the way, hose water is fine to drink. It's not.
Yes, it is. Can I tell you something that happened? You haven't noticed it yet, but so we've had construction inside our house all week.
I know. We have to barricade our doors.
We have to go out. We don't cross with them.
Sure. But at nights when they leave, I can go out into the living room and look at their handiwork.
And some fucker, I don't know who, was eating hash browns from McDonald's. Oh, I love those.
I know. But he spilled it.
And there's now a hash brown in the house. You haven't seen it? No.
And it's been there for like a week and a half. Well, how come you don't pick it up? I refuse to.
Right. Whose job is it? The Mexican guy.
Rudy. Oh, okay.
No, the guy that dropped it. Right.
And it's now decaying. Why don't you say something? I don't even know whose hash brown it is.
Do you know how to say, can you clean up your hash brown place? No, I don't even know how to to say that in Hispanic language. Well, let's find out, because I just got the new translator app on my iPhone.
Yeah, let's try. And let's see.
I wanted to say, can you pick up the hash brown on the floor, please? Okay, here we go. Let's hear what it is.
In Spanish, it is... Wow.
Hey, Andres, we have a resident in here, a resident B. Is that real? Everything except for the hash brown.
What is hash brown? We don't have that word. That's why she said hash brown.
She said hash brown. She said hash marron.
Yeah. What's marron? Nothing.
No, she was saying hash brown. Let's hear what she said.
We're just pronouncing it in Spanish.

Puede recoger el hash marron en el suelo, por favor?

So what did she say?

Can you pick up the...

Can you pick up the blank from the floor?

Hash marron?

Hash marron.

Yeah, what's hash marron?

Yeah, but your Spanish, maybe in Mexican it means hash brown.

Your Spanish, maybe in Mexican it means hash brown.

Yeah, maybe.

No, but I'm just saying, you know, I know they speak the same language. Spanish, Mexico Spanish, different, correct.
They might have different slang words. I'm agreeing with you.
Okay. So maybe you're wrong, Andres.
Maybe hash brown does mean. Yeah.
Yes, yes, you're right. How about this, dude? Why don't you go back to Spain? Whoa.
No. Oh my God.
Come back too. We want you to come back.
But go back to Spain whoa no oh my god come back too we want you to come back but go back to Spain and maybe fucking get all the scholars together yeah get them and fucking create a word for hash brown yeah you really should you guys not have hash browns there are no hash browns in fucking Spain fuckface are there hash browns what do you call them fries They're not fries. They're not fries.
We have to make them like that.

So you think, so everything that's fried potato is a fry?

Is a fry?

Yes.

What about tater tots?

Do you guys have tater tots?

We don't have tater tots.

Oh, fuck you.

What a dumb country.

All right, so what an uninventive country.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

They look at a potato.

Fries.

Fries. Everything is fries.
That's it. You want to bake it? No, fry.
Fry? Yeah. What do you call a baked potato, fuckface? Patata asada.
Patata asada. Wait a minute, for real, you don't have tater tots? We don't.
You've had them here in the United States? Yes. Do you have curly fries? No, no, no.
Wait a minute. No, no, no.
Do you have them them but you refuse to create a name for them like they cut it into a like they know how to make it yeah right and they just go there it is fries fries so the kind of fries that you have right yeah are they thin like mcdonald's are they steak fries right we have them both okay, yeah, yeah. Now you're getting a little...
Oh, we have them both. Fuck you.
We don't have tater tots. We have words all over our clothes.
Yeah. Andres, do you guys have shoestring fries? Do you know what that is? I do.
They're super, super thin. Yes, we do.
You do. What do you call those? We call them patata paja.
Patata paja. What is paja? Straw.
Oh, they do have straw fries. Straw fries.
Straw fries. Okay.
So that does work. All right.
But the no tater tot thing and no curly fries really grinds my gears, bud. I think that's annoying that you don't have that.
They have that kind of stuff in the Philippines, right? We don't have tater tot. It's sad.
But I think in their case, you know... They have like fried frog legs.
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What do you guys even need out there?

Balut.

You know what Balut is?

Baluga whale? Balut. Balut.
Balut. You know what Balut is? Beluga whale?

Balut.

Balut.

You know what it is?

No.

I'm going to show you what it is, and it's going to freak you out.

How do you spell it?

B-A-L-U-T.

Balut.

Yeah.

So basically what it is, it's a duck egg.

Okay?

Mm-hmm.

But you know how like in America.

We have duck eggs here.

I know.

But when we eat duck eggs, right, we don't eat it, you know what I mean, eight months

Let's do this. like in america we have duck eggs here i know but when we eat duck eggs right we don't eat it you know i mean eight months into its you know i mean cycle oh it's an it's an aborted duck egg pretty much like there's a baby in there and they are eating it early yes uh right so i'm going to show you what they look like so when you open it up right it's a duck it's a baby duck it's a baby duck but they it's a street food yeah it's like what we would have like you know and you and you bite into the duck but it's the head and everything so they do this oh no no i'm just i know that's what they do don't do that i'm gonna throw up i don't.
I don't want to see it. I know, but that's what, you know.

Oh, my God.

You do that?

Yeah.

Wait, there are the bones in there.

But it's still soft.

Oh.

You're savage.

Feathers.

Feathers.

So you're like, we'll go to the... To pick the feathers out of your mouth?

Right, right.

So when you eat the balloon, right, you can literally taste the feathers?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Right.

And then you probably crunch down.

That was the eyeball.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can you taste?

Okay, so the internal organs

are not fully grown?

Yeah, it's not.

Yeah, yeah.

But you put, like, sauce in it.

Oh, well, that makes it better.

Put sauce in it.

Yeah, eating babies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's crazy.

What's the sauce?

Vinegar. And you put it.
Yeah, eating babies. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's crazy. What's the sauce? Vinegar

and you put like

baby duck juice.

What we do is

we take the baby duck,

all right,

grind it.

Vinegar and what?

Vinegar and soy sauce.

Vinegar and soy sauce.

Yikes.

Jesus Christ.

Have you eaten Balut?

Are you out of your mind now?

I won't do it.

When we go there,

I go,

hey,

let's try Balut.

And no one in the car would ever, they're not, everyone's, even them, the Filipinos, like, ah. Because they've all tried it, though.
Yeah. Like, when's the first time? Dude, when you're a kid, does everybody eat it when you're a kid? Yeah.
Like, as a snack? Yeah, everyone's excited about it. When you're young? Yeah, when you're young.
When you get older, nobody, like your mom doesn't eat it? Yeah, no. No.
Well, what's the excitement, though? It's like boba. It's not like boba! Yeah, because when you, you know when boba ball pops, it's the same as a little duck head from a blue day.
Yeah, but it's not a duck skull with brain in it. But they pretend that it's like boba.
Yeah. They don't think it's a duck head.
What do you think when you eat it? Do you think it's a little baby duck? No, we just see it as like an egg. Yeah, you think it's an egg.
Alright, so if I had a blute right now and you were hungry, you would eat it? Yeah. Oh, wow.
The juice in it is really good. Oh my god, dude.
Oh my god. But is it good without all the stuff? Yeah.
So it's good on its own. Because I feel the same way about like, you don't like, I bet you you don't like oysters.
Oh, I love oysters. Oh, you do? I love your fucking mind.
Okay, okay. We've had oysters together.
Do you eat oysters without anything on it? Yes, I can do that too. Because some people have to have Tabasco and horseradish and all that stuff.
You can just go. I can do that.
And have I been known to put Tabasco? Yeah. I mean, everybody does.
Everybody does. But I'm saying, but you like them raw too.
I love anything raw in that way. Really? Yeah.
Octopus? Well, I won't eat octopus because of that one documentary, but I used to eat octopus. What documentary? My Octopus Teacher.
Someone... What is that to watch it my octopus teacher yeah it's on Netflix you see it yeah what is it oh my god dude it'll break your fucking heart I'm already breaking so it's like this South African I guess he's a video journalist like he does like natural geographic shit you know what I mean in the tundra and he'd been doing that all his life and he got sick and tired of it.
He went home. He decided to quit and live in his house that he grew up in, which is right on the coast of South Africa.
What he would do every day is go in the water. He had equipment, but he would go free diving.
He would and he would film things you know what I mean like underwater sea creatures sure but one day he runs across a little octopus and at first like octopus would see him because he'd be just this white man floating in there right and he would scurry away but eventually what happened is the octopus recognizes him and pull out his hand and shake his hand. No way.
Yeah. And then they became friends.
And the octopus would come out of its little hole and go onto the guy's chest and just sleep there. Just cut it out.
No, I'm kidding you. I'm not kidding you.
They were friends. Right? And the octopus would get

excited to see them. So it has that kind

of sentient, you know.

It's got an understanding.

Understanding. Wow.
How do you know?

How does it get excited? Like all of its arms start waving?

Yeah. That's how it gets excited? And they would

play too. They would tag, tag, and they would swim

around and play around

and stuff. Really? Yeah.

Are those arms or legs?

And then I have to say

there's a scene where

Um, he had a... around and play around and stuff.
Really? Yeah. Are those arms or legs? And then I have to say there's a scene where He has sex with the octopus.
No, no, no. A shark comes along to hunt the fucking octopus when he's already befriended it and the shark bites the octopus in the arm, rips an arm, and the dude's just filming.
Yeah. Like a fuck face.
But he has seven more. You lose one arm, you got seven more arms, bud.
It does grow back. Yeah.
So it's not that big of a deal. It's like a dick.
So you got... Can you imagine if your dick fell off, you just got a new one sometimes? Oh, you know what would be great? You're like, oh, it's June.
Or like a black one grew. Well.
That'd like you lost your yellow my little yellow one and a black one and a big like but then every year you lose that you never know what you're gonna get next year right right so you got a really kind of you can get one like that's uh really dark indian style or crooked all right like a total l have you ever seen those like the l shapes or Or like one like yours just like completely just white. That's mine.
Yeah.

And that's how it is too.

A little chody chode.

Just really round.

What if it cuts off and all of a sudden

you get a vagina?

Oh, that would be the worst.

That's what you got

for every year.

It's one whole year

with a vagina.

That would be the worst.

Or what if it

and then it's a butthole.

You know how it do?

What if it's two buttholes?

I would stick to it.

You would.

If I, dude,

if I lost my penis

and a vagina grew back,

I might fuck a couple of dudes. You'd be a whore a whore I just want to see what it feels not you you'd let me have sex no not you it'd be too funny you wouldn't let me have sex no you'd be so angry I would be like dude slow down I would choke you out I know but I could just see you just look at me and just and just I would just be like dude slow down right it hurts yeah right and then it would be the weirdest if i like came right imagine you're pumping me right yeah well andrew andrew and i just go yes and I walk away.

And then I'd be like,

do you not get me a warm towel?

I'm like, I'll see you at the podcast at four.

Yeah, yeah.

And I'd have to make that walk to the bathroom,

take the towel, warm it, and wash my veg.

That'd be so sad.

That would never happen.

If I had a vagina...

Who's the first guy you'd have sex with? In the building? No. In the world.
Who would it be in the building? Me, Andres, or George? If I had to pick one guy in the building, it would be Andres. Why? Are you on here? You think it's you? You're the last one, George, you piece of shit.
You're the last one,orge you piece of shit you're the last one you know shame the shame i would his dick inside his flesh he's like inside me yeah right right i just came you know i mean oh and he doesn't even do it in the hole it's like on the lips right george you missed you missed but um andreas andreas because um He's cute He's very cute Yeah No he's really cute Little dick Medium Probably little I saw it medium Medium Yeah Yeah he would probably be Really respectful in there He's like Are you finished yet? Yeah yeah Yeah He'd make sure that you got yours But you know what Probably in the world I would probably try Like go to. Yeah.
I would probably try to... Any of like an Avenger probably.
Oh. Yeah, Hemsworth or...
Chris... Yeah.
Pine? I love Chris Pine. I would let Chris Pine do it.
Yeah. Is Chris Evans also? Chris Evans, yeah.
Chris Pine isn't in the Avengers movies. I don't know the difference between those two guys.
Well, Chris Pine is... See? Star Trek.
Right, I don't know. Yeah.
those two guys Well Chris Pine is See Star Trek Right I don't know But Chris Evans and Chris Pine for me seem like they're the same guy Yeah they're not No And I would fuck Chris Pine over Chris Evans Chris Pine over Chris Evans Yeah Chris Pratt Chris Pratt's good looking too But he's more of a comedian. I don't know.
Probably not. He's funny.
Too funny. Too funny for me.
You want someone serious. Tom Hardy is my guy.
That's literally my guy. I let him come inside me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or Charlie Hunnam.
Yeah. Now, if you had a vagina, would you let me fuck you? I would.
Even if I had a vagina, I would still be fucking you. Right, you'd be the top? I'd be slamming it.
I'd be like, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Yeah, no, it'd be too hard with you. In the building, if I had a vagina, I would do, I guess I'd let Andres go first as well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then you, and then obviously, obviously, George last.
But that would be, you would have a stopwatch. With George? Yeah.
Yeah.

You get three minutes.

Max.

Once this goes off, I'm going to push you.

Punch him in the face.

I would punch him right in the face.

I'll frock sock you, right?

You got to wear a condom.

Yeah, with George, for sure.

Everyone else, no condom.

Yeah, because George is a dirty, dirty boy.

You got to wear gloves.

Yep.

Yeah.

Coronavirus mask.

I want him in a suit.

I want him in a hazmat suit. Yeah.
With a little opening to put his little fucking junk junk. Yeah, I put my little peepee through the hole.
Yeah, it would be difficult. Yeah.
I would tape it. Film it? Yeah, because it would be like, I would do it just so that it's more of an acting job.
It's a story. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's good for the pod. It's work.
Yeah, it's work. It's work.
I'm not getting anything out of this. Right.
Right. It's a full job.
That's a full-time job. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dealing with that. This is for a project.
Yeah, we're doing this for a project. But it wouldn't be like for his any satisfaction.
How about this? Andres. Yeah.
If you had a vagina, who's the first guy in here you'd have sex with? Oof. Don't sound so enthusiastic.
Yeah. Probably you you who second Bobby okay George the best part about this game is I'm not even we don't even ask George he doesn't even get to be a part of it he's in last place in the game that he can't play I want to know what George is saying so George, if you had a vagina, who would you have had sex with first? In this room.
In this room. I'd go with you, Bobby.
There's a curiosity back to there. He's such a kiss-ass.
I knew he was going to say you. And you know what? That feels good.
It's fake. It's not fake.
It's real. You know he would go with Andres first.
Everybody wants the fancy B. He's so intimidated by me.
Even yesterday, I was playing video games, right? And he comes in the garage, and he always feels what my mood's going to be.

Why do you play video games in the garage?

That's where all the console is and stuff.

Oh.

Where the podcast is.

You haven't been over, huh?

Where do the cars go?

In the driveway.

Not in the garage.

Yeah, yeah.

But the podcast is in the garage.

I didn't know.

I haven't been to the house.

You have air conditioning.

I haven't been to the house.

Pandemic's been happening.

I haven't been to the house.

I understand.

So yesterday, I was playing games, and I could hear him squeak open the door And I could see him tiptoe around He doesn't say hi He'll just look to see what my mood is He still is Intimidated by me a little bit After all these years How many, five has it been? Six you've worked together? Way longer than that now, probably eight years Wow wow and he still just can't get the manhood up together to like approach he's never raised his voice at me he's never um really put his foot down why do you think that is um that's why he works with me right that's the he's i think i think it's because he's a survivor and he gets certain people. How about you?

He doesn't talk back to you.

No, no, no, no.

But also my rapport with him is different than you.

What do you mean?

I treat him a little bit more human than you do.

I treat him more like a person.

And you treat him more like an object.

No. Yeah.
No, because I'm going to say something about George. Yeah.
That I believe that everything happens for a reason. I believe you meet certain people in certain times.
I believe that. And I believe that I was meant to meet George.
I believe that he has a lot with my recent successes in, in my career. I don't know about that, but okay.
I can't believe that. Okay.
I'm not going to give him that kind of credit. I am.
Okay. And I believe that, um, he's good with Kalilah.
He's good with my family and, and Jules. She doesn't like him.
I know she doesn't. Yeah.
I know you don't. He freaked me out.
And I will never

let him in fully. Right.

Right? Yeah. Because

when you let people like that in,

they take advantage of you. They take all of it.

They take all of it. You wake up one day

and you're in the Mojave Desert with an iPhone

in your chest underneath the gazebo.

So, but that's the nicest thing

I'll ever say about him. Yeah.

He'll never get that again from me.

We'll have to cut that from the pod, Andres. We don't even leave that in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but I really do believe that.
I think that he, I trust him. Yeah.
Like, thoroughly. No, look, but you and I's relationship is different.
Does that feel good or no? No, don't give him any more. George.
That's enough. What? Thanks, Bobby.
I love you, too. See, that's what I'm saying.
I know, I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Him and I. But is different does that feel good or no George thanks Bobby I love you too see that's what I'm saying but we're never we're gonna stay the same okay you're still my first see it works every time it works every fucking time he's such a sellout I know he is he winner.
He really is. And he married an Asian woman just because of you.
You know that, right? He had zero intentions on... Well, the honest truth is this.
You know what the true story is? Of how they met? This is going to make you laugh. Yeah.
So, Kalilah's best friend growing up is a girl. I not gonna say let's just i want to just change her name because i want to put her into it right let's just call her veronica give me a better one yeah uh jamie love it okay thank you and so um jamie now is married and has as a kid sure right but jamie um was a girl that was hanging out with all of us, you know what I mean, when she was single.
Right. Is Jamie white? What? Is she white? She's Korean.
Korean. Another one.
So Jamie was around and she was free, you know, in many ways. Hippie dippy.
A little bit. Fun.
Fun. Fun.
And George fell in love with her.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Are you being serious?

Yeah.

Like Ashley was like, I love this girl.

Yes.

Wow.

And he would go as far as buying her gifts and stuff.

What kind of gifts?

I don't know. What kind of gifts, George?

I didn't buy her gifts.

He bought her gifts.

Dinner?

I brought her eggs from my chickens.

Right, right.

Botu eggs?

He has a farm, right?

I mean, it doesn't surprise me.

You know what I mean?

He has a farm.

Right.

And he has chickens.

He's Dwight Schrute.

He is Dwight from The Office.

Right.

And he did everything he could.

Yeah.

And she completely rejected him.

Wow.

Not even like a, I'll let you take me out on a date? Nothing. Wow.
And it broke him. It broke his heart.
He went deep off the edge. Yes.
And then he found another one. Another Korean.
Yeah. Right.
Where do you find him? Koreatown? But he can I say something about his wife? She really does love him. He I would hope so they're married it's real do you think it's do you think he likes his wife as much as he liked that that Jamie more you sure more George Jamie's here to say hi what if we brought out Jamie no because she's she's up is she going with us yeah to.
To the desert. Oh, she is? Yeah.
Is George going with us? No. Thank God.
That would have been bad, huh? We try not to mix the two. I get it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I get it.
But so Jamie is in the past, and now George is happily married. Right, George? But he has a thing with Koreans, I think.
Why? Why is it, George? I mean, look. He's...
Look. He wanted you first.
He wanted you first. He wanted me first, right?

He works with a Korean.

And when I went into Maker, when I met him a long, long time ago, right, he was the only

guy to really outwardly, he was like this guy.

We had 20 producers in a room, right?

I'm not kidding you.

No, I know.

And the person that owns the company goes, all right, so what producers want to work

with? That's George in the back. Me! And I go, who the fuck is that country nerd? Yeah.
Right? And that's George. He's new.
I go, fuck him. Oh, you wrote him off.
Yeah, in the beginning. I would write you off in the beginning, right? Oh, completely.
You brought my assistant into a writer's room and kicked me out once. I remember that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The funniest thing.
Yeah. But you know what I realized through time is I go, you know what? This guy really believes in me.
Yeah. And I feel bad because I treat him like shit.
No, you don't. I did.
You did past then, but now you don't. No, now he got in.
He works for me at Tiger Belly. He's my producer there.
He's my producer here. He does a great job.
He does an okay job. He could do a better job.
Yeah, yeah. But he is somebody that is a part of the family.
He is.

Yeah. I love him.

I got to tell you, I like George just fine. I lean much more towards Andres.

Something about that little guy that I love the most.

I know you do.

He's got the flavor that I like.

I know you do.

I don't trust white people, and that's part of it.

Yeah.

And I don't trust George as much because he's white.

And Andres, I know he's trustworthy.

And even if Andres backstabbed me, he's Spanish, They would do it in a cool way. With care.
With care. See, he, the Spaniards have pride in the way they do things, right? They're smooth.
They're silky. You know, I just, their culture embodies something about the trickery is at least beautiful, right? Yeah.
Like if me and Andres were dating, if he cheated on me, I know he would have a, the way he

would tell me about it would be smooth and suave, you know?

Like how would we do it?

I met someone else, you know, but.

Yeah.

I'm you.

Yeah.

All right.

Andrew.

Well.

I have. Hey, man.
Hey. I've been calling you.
I've you. Yeah.
All right. Andrew.
Well. I have.

Hey, man.

Hey.

I've been calling you.

I've been calling you.

Yes.

How come you haven't called me back?

I have to tell you something.

What is it?

I met someone new.

No.

But my love for you does not waver.

No.

I love for you to hear to the moon and back.

Yeah. This new person in my life.
life, he is a fleeting shooting star. What? You mean the world to me.
Yeah. But I just want to sleep with him for a little while.
And when I am done with this trash man person, back to the love of my life. You know that song? You know that song if a bird, if you let a bird from a cage and let it free? If he's a love, he will come back.
You know that? No, that's really good. That's you to me.
It's so good. It's sweet.
He's a sweetheart. Dude, I want you to play that guy in a movie, dude.
That's really good.

The accent's terrible.

Is the accent really, really bad?

No, but there's something that's sincere and doughy about it. Yeah.
Your eyes. Yeah, it's sweet.
It really becomes doughy and it gets watery. Yeah.
And really just sweet. Why can't we go back to character-driven movies like that where they're just like dumb and fun? my buddy and I said that today

because I said

like

Billy Madison

and Happy Gilmore were both such hits because they were such dumb characters. Yeah.
But you loved, you were along for the ride. A hockey player is going to make it on the PGA.
It's like, no way. But I love that, like, those movies like that in our, when, you know, we were coming up was like, it didn't matter matter that it was insane yeah nobody cares that a 28 year old guy cannot go back to elementary school it doesn't matter it was funny they don't everything now has to be rooted in some kind of reality and it's played real like what's played real yeah like when's the last time you saw a comedy movie where the fantasy was like that where it's just it's so dumb how about you guys did you hear anything do you when's the last time you saw a comedy that the fantasy was ridiculous like that but you just bought in well it's also how they play it like um what's steve carell right yeah in um for your man okay right that character that he plays but that was a that was a whole movie about people from that time period i know but that character is so exaggerated.
Brick. Right? That character that he plays.
But that was a whole movie about people from that time period. I know, but that character is so exaggerated.
Brick. Right? And so, like, dumb almost, that character.
Yeah. Right? It does play into more of a broad, unreal character.
Yeah, but to be fair, that movie is not about him. I'm saying, when is a lead? Anchorman, Will Ferrell's character in Anchorman is still another not realistic portrayal.
Yes, it is. Totally.
Of a guy of that era, for sure it is. Don't you guys think so? Yes, it is.
Yeah. Will Ferrell is actually just a misogynistic newscaster reporter who's full of himself.
It's so exaggerated though, is what I'm saying. I know, but it's still realistic.
Right. Like a misogynistic news.
Like, did you ever see Richard, what was his name that used to do Family Feud? What was his name? Richard Dawson. Yeah, and he, I mean, he was that guy.
He was like, hey, nice tits, sweetheart. Why don't you guess something? They would smoke.
He would pat them on the butt when they get, Oh, you would kiss them a lot. You'd kiss them on the mouth.
Yeah. It was the, that's what Ron Burgundy was.
Right. So I'm saying like, I can't think of a film that I've seen since that era when we were younger,

that like the lead character.

Yeah.

Was a just insane.

Like what?

What about that Nick Swartzen movie that he did called Bucky?

Uh,

Oh yeah,

yeah,

yeah,

yeah,

yeah.

Bucky,

Bucky Larson.

Uh,

yeah.

Yeah.

Fame thing.

Is that fallen to caliber?

It is.

I guess that is.

It wasn't a bigger, it wasn't like a massive movie, movie but yeah that was more of like a fun comedy indie. Yeah.
It got 0% on Rotten Tomatoes. No it didn't.
Really? Seriously? Yeah. That's mean.
It's mean. Zero? I think so.
Let me look it up. Yeah but why zero? I don't know know.
But when that, I felt, I wanted to call him when that review came out.

Or when the Rotten Tomatoes.

Did you?

No.

No, he decided not to.

But what do you say to somebody?

I heard about.

He put his fucking.

I heard about the zero.

I don't know.

How do you, you know, how do you even start that conversation?

Oh, it got, no, it's not zero anymore.

What is it?

It's 3%.

Oh, no.

See?

Yeah, that's good.

It's not zero. Why would they do? 3%.
Yeah, that's good.

It's not zero.

Why would they do that?

See, that to me is being cruel for no reason.

Because look up here.

Look up this now.

I go to see Tyler Perry's movies, and they're atrocious.

But I love them because they're bad.

Look up any Medea.

Look up Medea boo a Halloween or whatever.

I went to see that a couple years ago with a friend in a movie theater, and it was that.

It's so bad. It's funny.
Medea's family reunion? Sure, any of them. What are those? These are not well done films.
26%. Alright, still better than three.
Yeah. But those movies are terrible.
Yeah. And they're just fun to go watch because you know they're going to be bad and poorly Dude, one time in that Medea, one of the Halloweens see a boom operator i'm not even kidding you can see a man on the front lawn yeah holding a mic and he looks right at camera and he goes like this he goes yeah yeah and then looks away like he's gonna hot if he looks away it won't be holding a fucking huge boom yeah i like that movies a lot see me too that's my point but i don't think i think being mean about it is stupid don't give it a three consensus of all different reviews right it's not just one guy It's See, me too.
That's my point. But I don't think, I think being mean about it is stupid.
Don't give it a three.

But it's a consensus of different reviews, right?

It's not just one guy. It's like, you know,

the 3% is like 300

reviews that were bad. I know, but

they all like jumping on the same train.

Right. They think it's

fun to pile on because it's like,

you know when you do this to friends when you go,

if you went out to eat or something, you're like,

did you like it? And everyone's like, I don't know. If everyone kind kind of went, not really, you would also go, yeah, not really.
Yeah, it's true. I think that in many ways good movies are like that too.
Like you see a movie at a film festival. Right.
And you look toward like a group of critics that are huge. That look like they know what they're talking about.
Also, they're just – they've been around for a long time. You're right.
And like that guy Joe Morganson from the New York Times. Times, yeah.
Or whatever. And then afterwards, everyone doesn't just disperse.
They chat. They go, hey.
And they talk. What did you think, Joe? Oh, masterpiece.
Yeah. Everybody.
Even though the guy fell asleep in it. You know what I mean? During it, right? It's a masterpiece.
Right. Maybe that happens as well.
I totally think so. I think there's movies that could blow on it.
I thought Once Upon a Time in Hollywood was fine. Masterpiece.
It was fine. Masterpiece.
Of the Tarantino movies, not even close. Yes.
Pulp Fiction was a way better movie. No.
Kill Bills were better than that. It was a masterpiece.
Jackie Brown was better than that. It was so good.
I loved every that movie Poo poo He drove around the city For the most time That's what I loved about it Why? Because you hold to LA? First of all right It's an homage to that era So what? What do you mean? So what? The story jumps all over the place It's just all over All these movies Jump all over the fucking place No but there's a concise story None of those None of those sets, right, like when he's driving through town was CGI. They were all hand-built.
You're just impressed with the production value more than the movie itself. No, I thought every frame of that movie made me smile.
From the homage to – I love old Hollywood and the way they portrayed it to this weird story about some TV actor who's on his way out and his stuntman. And then also the switch at the end.
I thought the whole thing was so great. And I've seen the movie 20 times.
I love that. The switch at the end, the story that was based on a true story but ended up not being true.
Yeah, an alternate reality show is so good, man. I'm okay.
Because I didn't expect it. and then when all that went down at the end, it was so funny.
Well, that was the best part of the movie, right? The fight scene was amazing. The whole thing was great.
Other than that, I was just like, oh, this is okay. See, that's my point, though.
I think you and I should be movie critics. Right, it'd be great.
Because you're not gonna influence me. I think that movie was a masterpiece.
Andres is a film student. Andres, did you love that movie? Why the pause? Well, I was going to betray Andrew with care and was looking for the right words, but I think...
You loved it, huh? Bobby's getting more attractive by the day, yeah. So you loved it? Yeah, I thought it was great.
You thought that was better than his other films? Not better, but that's good. Not better? That's good.
What film is better than that, then, of his collection? Maybe Pulp Fiction. Pulp Fiction 100.
Fuck him. This is my point.
I'm not saying it's a bad movie. It just is not as good as his others.
It's better than Jackie Brown. No, it's not.
Jackie Brown is a phenomenal story. Yeah, it's better than...
I'm just telling you my... Better than Jackie Brown.
Incorrect. Better than Hateful Eight.
Reservoir Dogs. Right.
Not better than Reservoir Dogs.

Not better than Reservoir Dogs.

No way.

All right.

Or Pulp Fiction.

It's on par with Inglorious Bastards.

Yes.

Sure.

Right there.

Those are probably similar.

It's on par with Django Unchained.

No, I disagree.

Yeah.

It's on par.

I think the story of Django was-

Django was so good too.

Was way better.

Yeah, yeah.

That's my point.

It's a Tarantino movie. They're all good.
That's the thing. It's up there.
It's not as good as the rest of the stuff. It was overhyped.
You have no idea what you're talking about. No, see, that's a dumb statement that a dumb guy says.
Here's another reason why I like it. You can't just say that.
Here's another reason why I like it, okay? I love the fact that the fact that like... Jackie Chan gets...
I mean... Bruce Lee gets...
It's so racist. Bruce Lee gets beat up.
But here's... Just listen to my point, okay? Jackie Chan! Is maybe in my point of view, you know, I enjoyed the relationship between the two.
Brad Pitt. That's the first time you've talked about it.
What? You first of all mentioned the set and the... No, no, no.
I love their relationship. And that Hollywood used to be like that, right? Where the stuntmen, you know, became really good friends with the actor.
You pine for old Hollywood. Not only that, right? And I also like, and I relate to it, the movie.
Here's a kid, right, who's on his way out. And I felt like that in my career before.
Yeah, but he's a really good looking movie star. Well, no, but Leonardo DiCaprio was a TV star trying to get into movies.
I'm sorry, he was a really good-looking television star. I keep...
The first part is very important. I know.
And you're trying to dig at me, but... It's not a dig.
It's just you're nothing like him. I understand that.
I know, but... You're a goofball who gets, you know, who fucking shows your belly on stage.
This guy is supposed to be a debonair hot guy from TV.

I know, but I'm just saying just the idea of a good looking.

I know I'm not that, right?

Right.

But a guy who's.

On his way out.

On his way out is what I'm saying.

And I can relate to that aspect.

Sure, that's true.

Right?

Of a guy that's on his way out.

And how, like, after this fucking chaos that happens, right?

At the end, it seems as though that he was able to reinvent himself too. So there's a good story.
You know what I mean? Yeah. He gets invited into the Polanski house, right? Yeah.
Right, which is fucking crazy. Insane.
But I love the idea, like those scenes where he is like in a scene and he cuts, you know, he cuts himself like he starts over or the frustrations in the fucking green room. I'm sure you've done that.
Yeah, totally. Where you fucked up on a scene and you're fucking, you know what I mean? Yeah, you lose it.
You lose it. And all that stuff I've never seen in a movie before, betrayed, and I relate it to it.
I guess, look, it is a good, I said it's a good film. It's just not, of the stuff he makes, the reason, maybe my inherent issue is I'm not in love with movies about hollywood i never have liked there we go then i just fuck no it's just it just isn't ever seen swimming with sharks no oh my god who what who is that kevin spacey benicio del toro you have to watch is it about hollywood yeah this is my problem i don't like it's so good hollywood is already jerking off in its own mouth.
I would rather see original stories that have nothing to do with Hollywood. And we have that.

You know, I don't like Emma.

And I think they're better.

I don't like Emma.

And I think they're better.

I don't like Emma or any of these fucking colonial fucking English, you know what I mean, 1700 movies.

I don't relate to it.

Or people wear wigs and, you know, or whatever.

I don't like it.

You do like some of them.

No, I don't.

You like none of them?

No.

I don't relate to it. When I'm watching it, I'm like, oh, these are just aristocratic white people in a castle arguing about status and betrayal.
I don't give a fuck. I get that.
You like it. No, no, no.
I mean, I get that. That's annoying to you.
It's annoying to me because I'm a fat Asian guy. Yeah.
Why would I relate in any way? Imagine if they had an aristocratic fat Asian one. No, but I do like old Asian ones.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
So I relate to those. But I agree with you.
I don't like the Victorian stuff either. That's not my go-to.
It's not my thing. I like – But the point is there's movies for everyone, right? But it's like there are some movies where I'll – like Dangerous Liaisons is a Victorian kind of – I that movie okay you're right because there's just something about I just like the movie I get it I just I'm a weirdo for for things about Hollywood I think I don't I don't love it my dad was a fan of westerns and I only like spaghetti westerns Italian ones I like Sergio Leone films well yeah they Well, yeah, they're great.
The Bad and the Ugly because I think they're shot like a Tarantino movie. Well, they're phenomenal.
They're so good. Once Upon a Time in the West.
Do you like anything by John Wayne or no? No. Never.
I've never seen it. Bill O'Grum.
Yeah, I don't like it. None of his stuff.
Well, I like The Conqueror. You know what that is.
Yeah.

What?

The what?

The Conqueror?

No.

Or it's when John Wayne played Genghis Khan.

Did you know that?

Good movie.

Did you know that?

No.

At one point in his career, he goes, I want to play Genghis Khan.

Yeah.

And the studio was like, no, no, no. He's like, I'm John Wayne.
Right. I'm going to do a screen test.
Listen here, Pilgrim. Here, Pilgrim.
Ching-chong, ching-chong. I'm going to be Genghis Khan.
I'm going to show you. You think I'm lying? No.
John Wayne. How insulting.
You know what I think about?

Is all the Chinese actors who auditioned for it and then found out that he got the rock role. Well, there's no way they auditioned anybody.

They just gave it to him.

Do you think so?

And then they casted it with a bunch of Chinese people and they were like, why wouldn't you cast a Chinese guy?

And they're like, because it's John Wayne.

Yeah.

I mean.

It looks good, actually. Really? He did have squinty eyes.
Yeah. John Wayne was always like this.
Yeah. Yeah.
It's pretty good. It's so insulting.
My dad loves Westerns. I know, but this is so insulting.
Is it, though? Yeah, it is, dude. Why? Because it's a fucking, because let me say this right now.
What if there were no big Chinese actors back then? There was. Who? Fucking Sulu.
From Star Wars? Yeah. He wasn't like manly enough to be Genghis Khan.
What, because he's gay? No, just because he's not like a big, strong, tough guy. Genghis Khan was like a big guy.
Back then, probably, Mr. Miyagi was probably around.
Was he not around back then? Mr. Miyagi's like 5'3", like 86 pounds.
Pat Morita. Pat Morita, yeah.
Pat Morita, right, yeah. No, he couldn't do it.
How tall are you, by the way? 5'4". It's my mom's height.
I was thinking about it. I know that.
Somebody asked me how tall you were. By far, I'm a little thinking about I know that somebody asked me how tall you were yeah and I'm a little guy I said 5'6 but I had no idea yeah I'm so small that I can't go out of the green room sometimes because especially if I'm in Texas yeah like if I'm at the Addison Improv because whenever I walk around after the show someone will always pick me me up.
Yeah, they grab you. Hey, man!

Here he is!

Here he is!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate it.

I don't like to be touched.

I think it's okay to say no to all that stuff.

Why don't you just get one of the security guards there to walk you up to where you're going to take pictures and stuff so then nobody can grab you?

Oh, yeah.

I had to one time when I was at the Miami Improv.

You ever play that room?

The old one?

Not the old one, no. Oh, my God.
It was a nightmare. And there was a riot in the room.
Like a fight? Yeah, like a group of family. One family was fighting another family.
Oh, wait. Did you put it on YouTube? No.
Oh, that was another fight I had. Sandy Danto put that on YouTube.
Yeah, I had another fight in my Ontario show. That was here in California? Yeah, yeah.
yeah. Oh.
Where it was just, sometimes riots break out in my shows. That was a fist fight in like the third row.
That guy was punching that guy in the back of the head. It was crazy.
It's on YouTube. People can find it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, and so I remember afterwards, the security, like the doorman had to walk me to my hotel room.
Because they were scared that you were going to go to the hotel? Because I started the fight. What did you do? I don't remember.
You did something. I always something i always say things and i go oh why did i say that and it's starting a fight now were you the one who who who got the um rocks glass thrown at their head in the or was that you no somebody got a i thought that was you somebody got a full glass of of like whiskey or whatever a drink at a rock class yeah and it just missed their head and it hit the wow i don't know i thought that was you for some reason but i remember hearing that story in my mind i thought they had said it was you and i said dude if you get hit in the head with a rocks glass you you're done you're you could you could you'd pass out and then what if you hit your head on the ground and split open your skull that stuff scares me when someone threw something like that i that? I saw Charles Cozart, it was a black, back in the day, in the OR, and an audience member punches him in the face, and Charles Cozart does one of those things where, you know how fighters, when they get knocked so hard, they freeze? Oh, their arms go up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he gets hit, and he freezes like this, right? And it made me laugh.
It's funny. It's funny's funny.
So he freezes but he doesn't fall right away. Oh he's still there.
He's trying to like control it but he's frozen right? So he freezes and he has the mic in his hand like this and he slowly falls and he falls over then the guy that punches him runs out. We never find him again.
Yeah. It's the best.
That's what happens. Yeah.
That guy got away with it. I was at the club that night that that guy got shot in the chest.
Were you there? Oh, my God, no. On the patio.
You know that story, don't you? That's a real scary story. A man ran up to a guy on the patio of the comedy show.
I'll never forget. I was in by the the belleroy side people were smoking we were talking by the parking lot and a guy literally got out of a car walked right onto the patio went right up to a guy and shot him in the chest chest and then the guy dies immediately and josh nasser and a couple doormen yeah holding his body i know while he dies yes right so the guy's dying bleeding out in the front out.
From the front door of the OR. Somebody's on stage.
Somebody's on stage. Right.
Killing. Three feet away.
Killing in a different way. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
How crazy is it that at that club, in recent memory, some guy just got shot in, you know. It was three years ago.
Like if you were working at like Jamba Juice, right? Let's say we were working at Jamba Juice, right? And some guy got shot. Yeah, Orange Dream.
In front of Jamba Juice. What an insane.
Insane, right? You and I would probably never work at that Jamba Juice again. I'd leave California.
Yeah, I would leave. That would scar me.
Yeah, that's it. I would never drink juice.
You know what I mean? Juice is out.

Every time you see a Jamba, you'd shudder.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. PTSD.

I have to say this.

I am very, very jealous that you're going to Hawaii.

Because I need a vacation so bad.

And I'm not lying.

I want to go so bad, but I can't.

You can go for three days.

We're shooting.

No.

And they make you quarantine, dude.

Oh, that's right.

So I lose too many days.

And I'm shooting now, so I can't. Have you read the script? Yeah, I've read four of them.
Right. Are you and everyone? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, but the first one takes place in a different... Time period.
No, it takes place somewhere else. Oh.
Oh, God, yeah, I can't. I almost slipped it out.
Okay. But anyway, but I will say this.
I can say this. some of the cameos that we have this year in the rap world yeah insane it's just it's gotten to the point where like because Kevin Hart is a producer imagine Kevin Hart texts literally whoever yeah they all love him everyone in the rap world everyone in the comedy world knows him and him.
That's why the power of those guys is astonishing to me.

Have you met him?

Kevin?

Yeah.

I mean, no.

Now be real.

No, I mean, yes, no.

That's weird.

Kevin and I have met.

He doesn't know it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You know what's weird?

We met for five seconds at the thing.

People go all the time like, what was so-and-so to work with?

Don't know.

And you're like, I don't know.

Yeah.

You could be on screen with them.

Don't know.

Don't know.

You know, I did a sketch with Ryan Reynolds.

But you didn't.

I didn't because we were in the same area.

He wasn't there.

Yeah, I was in a scene with James Franco in Pineapple Express.

We were like, he was right there.

And me and Ken Jeong were guns right here. Never met him.
He doesn't know who the fuck I am. Do you even say hi? No, they go, don't even look at him.
I bet you he knows who you are. He might, but I'm just saying, don't look.
They said that, don't look at him. Really? Yeah.
And I'm like, you know, I'm like, Bobby, stop staring at the sky. I'm just saying like you, you.
Yeah. Well, I said that to one of the one of the press women said, what's it like working with Kevin Hart? Yeah.
And I said, I have no idea. And she goes, come on.
He's the executive producer. Tell us.
And I go, no, I don't know. And then she goes, you know, she's kind of getting annoyed at my answer because it's too truthful.
She wants me to be like, it's incredible. You know, she wants me to do the thing.
Yeah. Yeah.
And instead I go, ma ma'am he's in the green room that i'm also in right we're in the same green room without yeah we're not we don't know each other we don't know he's in the room it's crazy people just because they see it and they go they assume these things that's like but sometimes it is true like jim carrey did i'm dying up here and i we had dinner all the time right right so right. Sometimes it's cool.
Sometimes it is real. A lot of people aren't Magnum PI fans, but the stars, everyone on the cast, we text and we're good friends.
Why do you say they're not fans? I think people love that show. I love the show.
I love doing the show. But my point is that sometimes it does work, but then sometimes it's like I have no idea even who they are or what – they have no idea about me.
Who's an actor that you worked with that you – I know this is for you because I know it will be somebody – that you don't know if this is true but you think they don't like you. But you don't know that to be true.
But you worked with them for a while and you're just like, I don't even know if they like me or not because you just never really connected or talked or had a lot of scenes together like you just can't tell not a mean way not like you don't like them but just Sasha Baron Cohen you just don't know if he likes you I don't know if he likes me but you worked with him I think he would say hi I don't know how he feels though you don't know if he thinks you're funny I think he thinks I'm funny I just don't know if he likes you as a person I don't know isn't it so weird I don't know I don't know how he feels though. You don't know if he thinks you're funny? I think he thinks I'm funny.
I just don't know. If he likes you as a person.
I don't know. Isn't it so weird? Yeah, I don't know.
I don't like that feeling. Yeah, but you know, it's not my job to know.
Well, he respects you enough to hire you. He hired me one time.
That's a huge thing. I also worked with him some time.
Yeah. Did you see the new movie or no? No, I wanted to go.
I haven't seen it either. I want to.
I don't know. I think it's me because it's like I get – I remember the first time I did Curb and Larry David was like doing a crossword puzzle.
He was super sweet, right? But I remember like I was just like how I was – what I was thinking. And sometimes when I'm around certain people and I'm in a situation where like I can't believe I'm here.
Yeah. I get so overly nervous that I overthink.
Same. Right? And I get ultra sensitive.
So one little, like, head twitch where I go, oh, that means he doesn't like me. Right.
But where you just assume certain things. He's riding and you're like, is that your car? And he's like, yeah.
And you're like, oh, cool. Do you like it? And he's like, yeah.
Yeah, I like it. Yeah.
And then you in your head and you're going. But there are people that are around you, believe it or not, that feel the same way.
About me? Yeah, because, you know, there are people, right, that like. Just say who it is.
No, I'm not. I don't want to say anything specific, but it's like I've been in situations too where like I'm at a club, right?

And some opener is opening for me and they're really excited.

And you can tell they're overly excited, right?

And so I don't want them to think that I don't like them because I know they're ultra sensitive as well.

Sure.

Right?

But then there are sometimes I do.

I become mean just to see what they do. Why? I don't know.
I just do. Like, well, this was the one girl.
I was in Phoenix. Yeah.
And this one girl was so nervous. I go, you better do a good job.
Bobby. No, just legit.
And she, I was just kidding. Yeah.
She goes, I know. I've only been doing it for like eight months, but I'm going to be fine.
She's having like a fucking mental breakdown I don't know man It's an A room It's so mean I know I was just I've been doing it every night Every night I've been going up My agent's here My agent's here Of course they're not there so she goes up on stage and she says a joke and he gets a laugh and I'm you know in the green room laughing that's a funny joke she's really doing it right and then three minutes later she says the same joke oh no she said the same, and at the punchline, she pauses, and she goes,

Did I say this joke already?

And the audience all simultaneously goes,

Yes!

And she goes,

And she starts crying.

Because you!

No, she starts crying. Because of you!

Right?

And I'm in the green room, and I can't breathe. Dying laughing.
Dying laughing. Meanest guy on earth.
Right? I'm on the floor like a fucking fish. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Everybody's laughing, right? She gets off, right? And she's, you know, snot bubble crying. Snot bubble.
I'm so, so, so, so sorry. And I jokingly go, you're fired.
Bobby. I know.
And she goes, okay, I'm kidding. We all make the mistake.
Right? And I teach her lessons about all these experiences. She killed herself.
She's dead. She's dead.
Yeah, I went to her funeral. And at the funeral, you're telling the story.
You're like, and then she's up there. Snot bubbles.
What an idiot. Yeah, yeah.
Well, you know, it's fun to mess with people. I like messing with people.
It's fun, but also you can't do that anymore. I can be mean.
You can't do that anymore. I'm not going to do it anymore.
Not in this world. Not in this new world.
Have fun in the desert. All right.
Thank you for being a bad friend. Hey, it's Hingo.
I did get COVID. We kept it a secret for privacy purposes.
It was hard to keep it a secret. You know I'm a blabbermouth.
Think I told anybody? Yes, I do. Because she called me.
She said, I heard you got up with COVID. How are you peeing? Sweet.
How are you peeing? Good. How are you peeing? I heard you got up with COVID.
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Everything that we've done so far has been very good, I think What do you guys think?

Okay

I'm sure you're so offended

See, it's Jules

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