Santino Hits Bobby and Rudy’s Birthday!

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You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

White dude and Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

Welcome back to bad...

What's up?

Welcome to bad friends. Welcome back to bad...
What's up? Welcome to bad friends.

Welcome back to bad friends.

What's up?

How is everyone?

How is everybody... How's everyone doing?

Are you okay?

Well, I had to disinfect

the inside of the mask.

Yeah.

And now it's really, like,

chemically in here.

We got sent these masks

and they're giving me

a full-on panic attack.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, um... You know, when you make the slits as slannier than my slanny slits i think it's pretty accurate i think it's i think it's pretty dead on they slanted them out i think the accuracy is right on the money i can i only have half vision i had half vision before but now i have how are my are my eyes okay no your your eye hole isn in the eyes.
I don't know what you're doing.

Where's my eyes?

Is this my nose?

Yeah, my eyes are in the right place.

You can see me?

Yeah, I see you fine.

Oh.

Can you see me?

I can totally see you.

You can?

Yeah.

Just look through the mouth.

You can look through the mouth if you can't see much.

All right, I'm taking this off.

Why?

It's creeping me out. It's creeping me out so much.
It's like looking at you with that is grossing me and creeping me out oh you're just crazy yeah all right thank you oh for the masks yo bad friends welcome back thank you so much for the masks uh gianna and keen. Very cool of them.
Gianna and Kenan, guys, it's dead on almost. Fear Fuel Masks.
They're really nice. At Fear Fuel Masks.
Oh, so it's a company that makes masks. Yeah, Fear Fuel Masks.
So you could just send in your photo and they'll make masks? I hope so. I don't know.
They just did that for us as a gift. I don't know how they got my fucking cheeks right.
Just the right amount of sugar and spice and everything nice, baby. No, I'm just saying, honestly, how from a photo can you get the cheeks? I think you have a very specific type of cheek.
I'm treading lightly here. What do you mean specific type of cheek? Yeah, well, your cheeks kind of, they look like...
Bao, you know... Bao? Bao, yeah, you know Bao? The food? Yeah, Bao.
It looks like Bao. Yeah.
It has the same kind of perfect little plumpness to it. Where I know there's some liquid in there.
There might be some meat. Yeah.

But I do know that there's liquid inside of there.

Yeah.

You're a little dumpling.

Your face is dumpling cheeks.

Pull up your mask.

Yeah.

This is my mask.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't understand how they got... You know what...

I have sugar in my hair.

Yeah, yeah.

You know what rat leather is?

Rat leather?

Yes.

Is it what your mom...

Is it what your mom uses to make your clothes when you were a kid?

No, rat leather is similar to the stankiness of your mom's vagina.

Okay.

I mean, you started with my mom.

You always say me.

You really heard me just now.

No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did.

You hit my eye.

You always say disgusting stuff about my mom.

You just attacked my mom.

I knew when you said rat leather, you were coming after my mom.

I knew it.

No, your skin. But then you turned into a mom fight and then all of a sudden I had to go there.
I'm sorry. I have to win.
Okay, I'm sorry. Why do you mad guys resort to violence all the time? Because you people don't understand.
No, why do you resort to violence all the time? I had to throw this at you because the mom stuff It's enough I love your mom Bobby? I do She's my favorite You know if I ever see your mom? Bobby? I'm going to buy her candles I'm going to buy her candles Yeah I'm waiting I'm going to buy her a? Yeah, I'm waiting. Okay.
I'm going to buy her a Burke Williams, right? She doesn't go to that spa. Gift certificate? Fine.
But they have one in Chicago, no? I'm sure they do. Yeah.
I'll get her one. Okay.
I'm going to get her a $500 pass. Okay.
So these are seaweed wrap, right? Mm-hmm. Steam, all that stuff, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then I'm going to send her to... Are you going to get violent? No! You're not going to get violent? No.
I'm going to also have her go a day trip into the stables. No, horseback.
Do you want to see your head busted open for real? I'm fucking... Yeah, but I'll do it.
I'll do it. Okay, forget the stables, the horseback riding.
Okay. Why did you get so angry about that? I didn't sleep last night.
I didn't either that well. I had nightmares.
Why? All night long. Why? Vince Vaughn was in my nightmare.
I love him. I'm not kidding.
Big fan. He was chasing me.
He does that. He was chasing me and yelling at me.
Yeah. All I really wanted to do was start this episode on a good foot with the masks.

We did.

And say thank you.

And also, today is Rudy's birthday.

Rudy's birthday.

Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Ruth.

Happy birthday to you. Thank you.
How old are you? 19. Oh.
Oh. Oh, Andre.
No, we did it. Oh, man.
All right, so hold on. I don't know.
Do you guys make wishes in the Philippines? Yeah. Okay.
Do you blow out your candles and do the same thing in the Philippines? All right, so I don't know. I don't know what they do over there.
I don't know if they hit a squirrel for good luck. I don't know if you...
All right, so close your eyes and make a nice wish that you really, really mean. Yeah.
Okay? Okay, we're going to look the other way because we don't want to jinx it. Go ahead.
But wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, one second.
Before you make it. Before you do, if you don't blow out all the candles in one try.

I can't.

I can't do that.

I'm telling you right now.

The wish doesn't come through.

Yeah.

No, George will die.

Oh, don't blow them all out.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

George will die.

If you can't blow them out in one swift, then George dies and you don't get your wish.

Yeah.

Oh, wait.

What if that's her wish?

That could be a wish. Whoa.
That's heavy. All right.
All right. All right, dude.
That's heavy shit. So either way, I guess it's a win-win.
Yeah, so ready? Okay. Oh, damn it.
What did you wish for? What did you wish for? Anime. Don't tell us! That ruined, you can't tell.
You asked me! Yes, but you never tell. You never tell.
That's the rule. Yeah.
It wasn't the right wish, so it's fine. All right.
That's very clever. Okay, what was the fake wish then? For anime stuff? Yeah.
Well, Tito, Andrew. And Bobby.
No, just me. I got you a gift.
And Bobby. Here.
No, Bobby had literally nothing to do with this, and you know it, and you know it, and

you know it.

Bobby had nothing to do with it, and you know it.

Thank you.

Well, who's on the cover of the package?

Show your camera.

Who's on the cover?

Rude?

Hunter, Hunter.

Hunter, Hunter.

You still like them, right?

I sound like an uncle.

Yeah.

You still like those guys, right?

If the bow is too tight, we can scissors it.

We can just cut that.

Oh, there it is.

All right. So what's inside the bag? I'm excited.
What is it? What do we got? A few gifts. A few gifts.
Start off with Hunter Hunter Face Mask. Wow, that's cool.
Very cool. Very cool.
Very cool. And Hisoka's on there.

And then, what is that?

Are they nunchucks?

It's funny.

She never knows how to get close to the mic, but she'll hit it with all the stuff to make

it loud.

It's insane.

What is this?

Bobby guessed nunchucks, which is a good guess.

Yeah, chopsticks.

It could be an even better guess.

Oh, a scroll.

A scroll.

That's cool.

Show the camera so they can. A hunter, hunter.
Hunter, hunter. It's's like a I don't know, what do you call that? A little banner? I figured you could hang it up right there.
We could hang it up at your desk. Maybe over George's face.
And then, last but not least, I got you two... Oh, thank you.
Bobby! No, you know! Wait, so there's two of those. The redheaded one looks like me.
And then who's the other guy? Do you know? These guys are from the volleyball show. What's it called? Yeah, Haikyuu.
Haikyuu. Haikyuu, I know.
I knew that when I ordered it. It's Haikyuu.
Did you order it or did you go to Tokyo Town today? I ordered it online. I went to Tokyo Town today.
It's unbelievable. I went to Little Tokyo today.
Andrew. Me and my wife were so excited to get you gifts today, and the anime store was so fun.
Andrew. Bob.
It is so annoying that I ordered that shit three weeks ago online, and then you're fucking claiming it. Shout out to the anime store downtown.
How cool is that? Jules, you know that he did not go to fucking Japan Town today. I think he did.
Yeah, I definitely did. I went to

Tokyo. I went to Little Tokyo today.
It's fucking unbelievable, you.

And by the way, I forgot how

good the food is.

What'd you get down there? What do you think I got down there?

Ramen. Sush!

Oh, Sush? Sush and rum! Did you go to what?

Hamas? No, Hamas good, though. They were

closed. Oh.
Pandy.

The pandemic. The doors were closed.

It was? I don't understand. Half of the restaurants were open and half weren't open.
Really kind of broke my heart. So what are the names of those two guys? Because I don't even know.
This is Kageyama. And this is Hinata.
Listen, honestly, you're 19 now. Happy birthday, right? I think that when you were 18, I thought, I'm not going to really be so hard on her in terms of just doing simple things like talking to a mic.
Right, right, right. It seems simple.
But I think 19 is enough. I think that's a cutoff.
So see – listen, okay? Yeah. Look at my finger.
Okay. Your mouth should be in this distance.

Yeah, right on it.

Right on it.

Okay.

All right, so tell us who it is.

Yeah.

This one is Kageyama.

Kageyama.

He's the setter for the volleyball.

Is he your favorite?

Who's your favorite?

This one.

Oh, the one that looks like me.

Kageyama.

Let me pull up Kageyama again.

Wait, there's a little stand for him.

It sits upright in the little thing.

You don't have to do it right now,

but you see how there's a plastic thing. And then so that's

Kageyama and who's the other man? Hinata.

Hinata. And what is he on the team?

He's the middle blocker. Oh, that's

what I was. Yeah.
So

that looks like me and Andrew.

Yeah. In the show,

the Asian one, the one with

the dark hair. They're all Asian.

The redheaded one is Asian too. I've got

way more flavor than you know, dude.

Really? I ran my

21 and me, or whatever it is.

48 and me.

89 and me. 69 and me.
Guess what?

16% Irish.

I'm barely Irish. I thought I was a lot.

12% Nigerian.

6%

Korean.

48% Moldovian I'm Korean dude you're not Korean man I am I'll show you the 86 in me no I'll prove it a Korean person's penis isn't translucent it's the same size as a Korean person's penis I know but yours is like those it's a jellyfish it. You can see right through it.
Some people like it because then you can see what's going on inside of it. I don't need to know.
I don't need to be in science class when I'm sucking your dick. You know what I mean? I want all that stuff sheathed.
Yeah, you want a sheathed. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I got it. So happy birthday, Rude.
Thank you to Andrew. I love it.
Yes, well, I'm happy that you like it. I'm glad you did that.
You know what I said to the girl there? What? This is actually annoying. I asked a guy.
I said, hey, I'm looking. I said, for my niece.
I said, I'm looking for my niece for a gift. She loves Hunter Hunter.
And she loves Hisoka. And the guy there goes, oh, I don't think we have any Hisoka stuff left.
And then the girl says, oh, hisoka yeah and then she shows me those things then she goes does she like what's the volleyball show haikyuu does she like haikyuu i go you bet she does no idea was praying i was like i was like please be please like haikyuu yeah and then she said which which of the five figures the five main people do you like or six do you like? Yeah. And I picked the redhead because of me,

and the other one because he looks a little bit like you.

Right.

And the girl goes, oh, those are very popular characters.

So we picked her.

The other guys aren't as popular, right, huh?

Yeah, but I still love them.

You like them anyway.

Yeah, but who's your, honestly,

is your favorite one in there or no?

He's my favorite.

That guy is.

The redheaded one?

Yeah.

That's fucking crazy.

It's amazing.

That's amazing. It's crazy.
So happy birthday, Rude. Thank you.
Back to you for real. I didn't sleep last night.
And I know you haven't been sleeping. Yeah.
Is it dreams? Just nightmares, dude. Yeah.
Crazy nightmares. But like, they're not consistent.
One thing is something and then it moves to another part. Then it moves to another part.
And I tried to look them up and my aunt had one of these friends that used to read dreams. Yeah.
I sent her an email and it's like – It's so funny. They say that nightmares and dreams are only seven seconds long or something.
And the rest of your sleep is just you don't – I don't know. But like I've had like voyages, like expeditions in my dreams.
How are those are those only seven seconds long some of them i can plan out like i was in the house the other night yeah i could i could tell you room to room almost precisely what was going on in each room and like i remember walking up the stairs and it's probably because it reminds me of my old friend matt's house they had one of those landings you know a stair that has a landing it looks down into the house yeah and i remember how creepy it looked and someone was yelling i could really like map it out. Seven seconds seems way too short.
Yeah. And I remember how creepy it looked and someone was yelling.
I could really like map it out.

Seven seconds seems way too short.

Yeah, and then you'll have dreams.

Somebody will appear in your dream,

have a cameo

that you've never thought about in 30 years.

Why was Vince Vaughn in my dream?

Vince Vaughn was in my dream.

Yeah, it's like I'll be dreaming

and I'm like, Craig?

Right?

Craig Robinson.

No.

Craig Crawford.

Craig Crawford,

my friend from middle school. And he just popped in.
He'd just be in the closet like cooking something. He's like, beef stew? Yeah, and I'd be like, what are you doing to you, Craig? But they don't really talk for some reason.
I can't get an answer out of these people. Craig doesn't have any lines, but he's definitely in the show.
You know what I mean? That's the best thing. He's like, he's background.
He's background, but still, it's like, why would it? And it's like, you'll also, people that you don't like will be your friend in it. Well, that's, I hate that.
That's weird. When you are getting along with your enemies.
Oh, right. In your dreams.
That creeps me out. I don't like it.
Kevin Shea? What are we skiing for? You know what I mean? And Kevin's like, you know, come on down the slope. There'll be those hot chocolate down there yeah and you're alright Kevin meanwhile if I was conscious yeah I would kill him yeah but you get down there he's got hot chocolate for you by the fire yeah we're like laughing you know what I mean and you go to drink a cup of hot chocolate and it's Eric Griffin it's just melted in there right and then we do the hot dog thing where we're like biting each end and we bite and we kiss at the end.

I mean, it's like, why do dreams do that?

I don't know.

Maybe it's my self-conscious telling me to make up with him.

No.

No, it's that you've thought about him in the past certain amount of time.

Yeah, but why are we skiing together?

Because it's a metaphor for something.

You know what's so annoying about Def Jam?

What?

None of them were deaf.

Not one of those black comics was deaf. And I wanted them to put on one deaf black comic.
You know what's so annoying about Def Jam? What? None of them were deaf. Not one of those black comics was deaf.

And I wanted them to put on one deaf black comic.

You know?

Great to be here.

Can you say great to be here on a deaf comic show?

Yeah, yeah.

Great to be here.

Great to be here.

That's your first joke.

Great to be here. They still do the material, right?

Black people's butts are much higher up than white people's butts. Right.
You hear me? Bitches be crazy. Why is that funny to me? I don't know.
I don't know. It's so stupid.
It's such a dumb joke that I'm making we're meeting so look I've got you a meeting with a a sleep expert because look the internet the fans are worried so I've got you a meeting with a sleep expert ladies and gentlemen this is Dr. J Korsandi he is an expert in all things helping Bobby with his sleep troubles.
Yeah. So, Dr.
Korsandi, why don't you take it from here because we're worried about Bob's – Dr. Korsandi, I have to say that I'm not worried about it and everyone is like being crazy around me.
Yeah. I'm fine with it.
I've always slept the way I've slept. I have – when I sleep, my girlfriend records me when I sleep.
And you should see it's crazy what I do. I'll go like this when I'm sleeping.
Oh, gross. As if it's already not hard to date you.
I know. But I make that noise when I'm sleeping and she.
Yeah. Right.
And whenever I see it, I laugh because I go, what the fuck am I doing? Why do I do that? You know, when I'm asleep. Is that a sign of anything, Dr.
Corsandi? Is that a, is that. Yeah.
So when he says. Am I eating pussy? I just feel like I'm eating pussy in the dream.
You should do it more in real life. So, so, you know, I see a lot of patients that come in, especially guys.
And they say, you know, it's not a problem. It doesn't bother me.
It bothers somebody else. So in some ways, it could be indirectly bothering you because the girlfriend could be suffering from this.
She is. Yeah.
Trust me, she is. She is suffering.
But why am I making that noise? So that's called mouth breathing. And do you wake up with a dry mouth or do you have water by the bed or any of that going on?

Well, here's the thing.

I try not to drink water, a lot of water before I go to bed.

Yeah, I was going to say, are you doing a lot of bathroom trips at night as well?

Okay.

So here's the thing.

And, you know, I would say you probably do want to be a little bit worried about this because most of my patients, I'd say 90% are guys, 40 to 50. And I think you fall on that demographic as well.
That's you. What happens? Yeah.
When you turn 40, I call it an old pause. And what's happening is we're getting a big testosterone drop.
Typically, there's a partner or spouse involved, sometimes kids, you know, family, work, stress, life. And then weight tends to start creeping up.
And what happens is that constricts the airway. And that's what I specialize in.
It's what's called airway management or sleep disorder breathing. So snoring and sleep apnea.
And as you start to develop more snoring and sleep apnea, that's when the health concerns are going to start spiking. Things like elevated blood pressure, type 2 diabetes.
I know you guys are a little bit more degenerate on this show so we could talk about uh libido loss a lot of guys come in and say they can't get it up as much anymore they're taking viagra stuff like that so so these are problems well you know i used to be a fuck machine um and rabbit time usa 2020 all day long you know it was a drill i used to go like a I used to go, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, pa, like a, like, and how you going now? Hands free. Hands free.
Now it's like sloth style. It's, it's, it takes me about 45 minutes to an hour to get in the hole.
You know what I mean? And then when I'm in there, it's like, it's just like, you know, I don't even go up and down anymore. I go like a hula hoop.
Yeah. It goes around and around and around.
Around and around. And I do it real slow.
And then I just – last night – sorry for saying this, Jules. No, put your fingers in your ears.
Yeah, yeah. Put your fingers in your ears.
Last night – If you can. I made love to Kalilah, and I just whispered in her ear.
I go, I'm just going to lay on my back. Aw.
And she goes, you want me to do – All the work? I go, everything. All right, so I lay on my back.
She goes, you want me to do all the work? I got everything. All right.
So I laid on my back and she's just, you know what I mean? Does, you know, does her DAO, right? Yeah. And then.
Oh, you're sleeping in the middle. Yeah, and I fall asleep.
Yeah. So that's the big problem.
You know, your mouth breathing, that's a dry mouth, that kind of, that that sound that you make, those are all going to cause sleep loss for you. And research has shown that partners of people who snore, on average, lose an hour of sleep at night.
But is there death stuff involved? I wanted to really scare him with you. Am I going to die? Yeah, can he have a stroke? Can he have a heart because what I have to let you know is like, he's a reckless human being.
Four times likelihood of a stroke. Uh, those are the two biggest ones.
If you make it long enough, then you're looking at what's called neurocognitive decline, which is Alzheimer's, dementia, you know, brain capacity function loss. So, so these things tend to slow down.
And the reason this stuff happens is because poor sleep is an inflammatory process where we're not rejuvenating. We're not restoring.
If we're snoring at night, that's keeping our brain from getting into deeper stages of sleep. So it's just like if you have your phone and you plug it in a charger that's really beat up wire, you're not going to recharge as well, which means you're not going to function the next day.
But ultimately, it's going to... All right, Dr.
Shazdavan, what do we do here? What can we do to help him out? Does he need a sleep apnea machine? So the first step in something like this is a sleep study.

I mean, basically find out what's going on at night.

See, that's what that's.

So that.

Right.

So my doctor, Dr. Kawashiri, my doctor.

What's his name?

Dr. Kawashiri.

Is he a sleep doctor or just a doctor doctor?

He's my doctor.

He's a general practitioner.

He's a general.

Okay.

Well, this gentleman is specific.

I understand that, but I was talking – I don't know.

I'm just going to tell you a story.

You just let Kawashiri know that we're a little bit advanced.

Just remind him.

I'll let him know, but he's very good.

Well –

If you look him up, he's very good.

We will Google him.

Okay.

But go ahead.

So he does Fred Durst everybody.

Oh.

Yeah.

I just made that up.

But I just had to defend Dr. Kawashiri for a second.
But we talked to Dr. Kawashiri before the pandemic, and he goes, oh, well, you need to have a sleep study.
Yep. And I go, I'm out.
I'm like, what study? I'm not going to come here and try to sleep. I need wires.
So here's the deal. The old traditional way, old school way of doing sleep studies, yeah, you'd have to pack a bag, go spend the night at a facility or a hospital.
Yeah. Portable.
They're take home. They're even shippable.
We actually just send them to your house. You do it at night, and then you ship it back to us, and then we plug it in the computer, and we get the reports.
Super easy. Perfect.
So you can ship it to us, and we can use it, and we can ship it back to you and find the results. Oh! All right, brother.
Have a good day. Thanks, man.
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Call 1-844-4OTESLA or visit Otesla.com for prescribing info, info about cost, and more. My eye still hurts right here.
My eye still hurts. From what? From you throwing the mask at my face.
I didn't throw the mask at your face. You did.
No, I didn't. You did.
It's on tape. You got a little cut.
Do I I really? Yeah Little tiny cut Right above your eye Seriously right on your eye lid actually I see it now Yeah you did that Isn't that cool? It's fucked up What does that mean? That you would fucking attack me No but what does that mean to you? What does What means to me? That little cut What does that mean? Let it go man it's gone it's over it's not no it already happened it doesn't matter right it doesn't mean that that's in the past right no what it means to me is it doesn't even matter things don't even matter right yeah what it can i answer that cut that cut represents that cut represents every time that you said something about my mom every time you were late and, every time you acted like a baby about something, that's that little tiny minuscule nothing cut. The way that you go, why do you get frustrated at nothing? That cuts a little nothing too.
It doesn't even exist. Can't let it bother you.
But it's also a reminder. It's a hint.
Yeah. Hey, fuck with me and I'll fuck you up.

I'll give you bigger cuts.

I have more stuff to throw at you.

I know, but see, but now...

You pushed me to the edge.

All right.

You pushed me to the edge.

On your birthday, you called me a puss and then dared me throw the cake.

And everything in my power wanted me to throw the cake and also anime.

And punch through the cake.

Yeah.

And kill you. And just like fold in your head with my fist but why does it go to violence because there's no other way to get through to you violence is the only way to get through this for me to get through to you not to somebody yeah i'm never violent with rudy i would never yeah because she's she's conscious and aware and thoughtful you know so you have to resort to violence okay with you yeah i i know you have to resort to violence, okay.
With you. Yeah, I know.
I have to resort to violence with you. That you don't.
You don't have to. I do, because it reminds you of things that you shouldn't be doing.
No, it doesn't. What it does is it makes me want to double down.
And then I'm going to hit you harder. I know, and then it's going to end up us not being friends, and it's going to get ugly.
So why don't you stop with the violence? No, why don't you stop with the shit? Like what did I do? Everything. I brought up rat leather, right? To talk about your skin.
Cause I knew you talked to him about my mom. And then I attacked you about your mom.
That's right. And then I had, I had to retaliate.
I know, but you started with the mom stuff because you've unsolicited mom stuff at me all the time. Yeah.
You, do it all the time so i just had to hit you i didn't mean to make you bleed and i did think hitting you with a soft mask wasn't going to hurt but something caught you right in the eye and maybe that's god maybe that's jesus going god didn't hurt him god no it was the devil yes it was yeah it's dark shit that you have to work out you're very angry i'm working it working it out But with you you make it really hard No one's ever assaulted me That is so not true Who? I've seen you get assaulted at the comedy store multiple times Multiple people have punched you One Yeah and you deserved it Really do you know why he did it? You called him an ugly Jew bag no I didn't yeah you did you said you're a dirty Jew and he goes you don't like Jewish people and you said no he called me right because Natasha Leggero had cheated on him with who? with Ron Peterson I don't know who that is Ron Peterson was a Canadian actor he was Martin Martin Short's friend. Canadian actor.
You know the story, right? I do know the story. Then how come I – why do I have to tell you? Because some of the people don't know the story.
All right. So let's just go back, right? So Ron Peterson was an actor on MADtv when I was on MADtv.
And he was at the store with me. He saw Natasha Legger go up in the belly room.
And he goes, I want to penetrate her. And I go, she's seeing my friend Ari.
And then I went down to the OR to do my set. He stayed up there.
And when she got off stage, he got her number. She left Ari.
And then Ari comes to me and he says, can you break into Ron Peterson's office at Fox, steal his email, and then forward it to me. They go, I'm not breaking into somebody's fucking office to do that.
Then he said, if you don't do it, you're the one that set them up, and I'll fucking kill you. That's not nice.
Yeah, so that's the kind of shit you would do. That's not true.
Crazy violence. You're so crazy.
I know. So don't go there.

First of all, don't go there. I'm sorry about

the cut. I'm not sorry about throwing the mask.

That you deserved.

The cut, I didn't mean to hurt you.

But I did want to hit you with it because I thought that was fun.

Because this is like

a symbolic of me. Don't throw anything at my face

again. I'm going to throw stuff at you if I want to.

You break all of my

requests and rules. So...
What are your requests and rules? Let's let's just start there everything our friendship's on the line now okay all right so let's talk start there okay so what is what is the problem you have resentment let's do that how about not being so disrespectful of me and or my time okay so today like like like not texting me back or not answering my calls even even if it's just like a

oh okay cool okay matt rife wants you to do a stand-up shows you interested i respond i'm not performing until we have vaccine right on that's the last one i texted you what's the problem there that's just one let's go through the other scroll of how many blues are on my side and no response on your end.

I'll go through it too.

Bobo.

I don't know what to say to that. When somebody says, hey, what's up? You don't know what to say? That's what Bobo is? Is your name Bobo? Do people call you Bobo? Yeah, yeah.
Okay, so what do you mean? Andrew, if you said to me, hey, firehead, hey, freak, monster boy. But Bobo, let me just say something.
When you randomly say somebody's name, Bobo, it's not a question, right? It's an introduction to a conversation. It's not a statement in any kind of way.
I don't know how to respond to that. You use a name to start a conversation.
Hey, it's like saying, hey, if I go Rudy, she goes, what? And then we start a fucking conversation. I don't, yeah, I know.
I just don't know. Oh, so, all right.
So basically, you say Bobo. Instead of saying, I don't know what you're saying.
Yeah. You don't say shit.
So you say Bobo. Then I go, Andrew, right? You didn't say Bobo.
No, you didn't. You know what goes after that? You didn't.
You know what goes after that? I'll read what you said. I'm 69ing each other.
It's fucking gay. You send me videos.
So I'm supposed to go, ha, ha, ha, ha, LOL, LOL, smiley face, emoji, emoji. What the fuck? I mean, what the fuck is this? What are you getting angry? You're getting angry again.
No. Yeah, you're getting angry again.
You're getting angry again. No.
We're just having a conversation, okay? Okay. So the other day you said that I'm late.
It upset you, okay? Every time. You're late every fucking day.
I understand that. But today, right, at 3 fucking 30, right, I go, Kalilah, I got to go.
Kalilah, please text Andrew and say that I'm going to be late. No, I got to go now.
She's like, she goes, you can't go right now. I go, why? Because the fucking Postmates is running late.
And she goes, the fucking, was there not a red truck blocking my car out of the driveway? Right? So I go, holy shit. And I kept telling Kalilah – we were almost going to get in a fight.
I go, if I'm fucking late – I swear to God. I go, if I'm fucking late, Andrew is going to fucking yell the fuck out of me.
She goes, let me text him. She did text me.
Exactly. Right all that shit, I had no control over.
I know, but you know how when a drug addict is like, this time, I didn't, this time, or like, you know when someone goes, it was gonna be the last bank we robbed, or it was like, it was just that one more time, you know what I mean? So my point is this, it's not like this was the one or two or three time to the bank robbery let's go back to the bank robbery sure okay you and i are bank robbers okay and i look at you and i go um bro hey i forgot the masks that's what you would say oh fuck i forgot the masks to rob the bank yeah and i'd go how are we gonna rob the up with these masks. This is the mask.
You'd go, I got our mask to rob the bank. I know, but no.
What I'm saying is what you're saying that you're saying this is the last bank job we're going to do is the point, right, of this thing? No, the point is – And then let me just finish. So you and I write rob a bank.
Yeah. Okay.
Which one? Chase? Chase. Chase.
Chase. Okay.
And you say to me, this is the last one. I go, yeah, all right.
We robbed the bank, right? Mm-hmm. And we have a bunch of money that's going to take care of us for the next five, ten years.
Great. That's when we're not going to rob a bank, right? Okay.
And all of a sudden, like, we leave all the money in the trunk of a rental car. You leave all the money.
You leave all the money. Whatever, regardless.
Because I didn't leave it.

All right, all right.

Why did you leave it in the Malibu?

And then you're yelling at me like, you fucking left it in the Enterprise rental car?

Yeah, you already know the scenario.

And I go, yeah, we have to rob another bank.

Yeah, we would have to rob another bank.

That's what this situation is.

That's exactly right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And we'd rob another bank and we'd get caught.

We'd go to prison.

We said we had it.

If you didn't leave it in the Chevy fucking Malibu and return it to Enterprise rental car.

What you're saying to me, though, is that we can't.

Listen, I was late.

I love you so much. I hate you right now.
I love you. You hurt me, and I don't like when people physically assault me.
Oh, stop it. It was an accident.
Honestly, my eyes... I said I'm sorry.
I said I'm sorry. So let's talk it out, man.
I said I'm sorry. All right, don't throw anything at my face again.
I said I'm sorry. I didn't mean to cut you.
Are you going to throw something at my face again? I threw this. Can I throw something at my face again? Plastic.
You're going to throw myself at my face again? Don't. All I throw at your face now from now on is compliments and love.
Okay, Bobby? So why? Why are you doing it like that? No, I just, I'm being real. You're being sarcastic.
No, I'm not. Let's be real.
It seems like you have deep-seated resentment towards me. Because you bring out the worst in me sometimes.
I don't, man. Yes, you do.
You do it to yourself. I don't do it to Rudy.
You do it to yourself. I don't do it to fucking Andres.
Fancy B, do I ever get uppity with you and insane? See, nothing. Fancy B? Yeah, yeah.
I love it. People know, listen, all right? Yeah.
I know what kind of person. Okay, how about this? I'll only hurt men.
Let me just finish. Yeah, I will probably physically and emotionally hurt men.
You have a temperament. And I'll fight you and I'll kill you.
We know that. I want to kill you.
We know that. You have a temperament, right? You have a certain way about you, right? I accept you the way you are.
I really do. I accept you the way you are.
As long as I don't get physically hurt by you, right? Let me finish. Stop pretending like- I accept you! I accept you the way you are! Stop making it like this was an insane violence.
I threw a mask at you. But I'm scarred, flooded now.
Oh, shut up! Like a fucking pirate now. I have a story to tell, right? I gotta tell people the story.
He threw a fucking Andrew Santino fucking

mask at me. Who did it?

Andrew Santino! A funny story

nonetheless. He threw a mask

of his own head at your head? Yeah, and I'm gonna

say this right now. If you ever fucking put a scar

on my face again, right?

You'll see what's coming to you. What would

you do? Nothing. I know.
That's the point.

Nothing. But that's

gonna be sad. Because I'll have nothing to do with you.
Nothing. I know.
That's the point. Nothing.
But that's going to be sad because I'll have nothing to do with you. Yeah.
Go ahead. What you got? I have nothing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have nothing.
Get all – because this is the episode where you get all of it out. I've done it every episode.
All right, so – Every episode I tell you what bothers me. I told you that.
Let's fucking finish it off.

I told you that, right, that I'm going to do everything I can to show up here on time.

Today I tried.

You did a good job.

The fucking red truck fucking was in the way.

And I was fucking five minutes late. I wasn't even that bothered by it.

All right.

That's number one.

Yeah.

Number two, what else?

What else do you do?

Yeah, that bothers you.

Oh, my God.

I'll just.

Can I just email you? No, that bothers you. Oh my God.
I'll just, can I just email you?

No, tell me now.

No.

You have to.

I can't air it out.

Cut it out.

We'll cut it out.

No.

No, because you know what the irony is, Bob?

Yeah.

You know what irony is, right?

Yeah.

The irony is, I love you so much.

This is real. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You can cut this out. Yeah.
I love you so much this is real yeah you can cut this out yeah i love you so much yeah and i care about you see yeah no that's me absorbing it i'm sucking it in that even the things you do that fucking kill me i still love about you and it's a part of our relationship. The toxicity of what it does to me when you do shit that bothers me is probably why I like you.
If you were boring, I probably wouldn't want to be your friend.

So ironically,

the chaos that is Bobby Lee is why I think I love you.

Right.

And that's, you know.

And once in a while,

during the chaos of a tornado,

you get hit in the fucking head with a mask.

Yeah. Yeah.
Stuff flies hit in the fucking head with a mask. Yeah.

Yeah.

Stuff flies everywhere.

Uh-huh.

But the truth is I don't –

Being screamed at?

Being screamed at what?

I enjoy being screamed at.

I know.

That's why we're friends.

I know.

I enjoy these kind of moments of like – you know what I mean?

Hostility and weirdness and resentment and the little chaos. I don't resent you.
I know, but I'm just saying I enjoy... The tension.
The tension of it, right? I strive on it. That's my fucking fuel to live.
So let's keep it going. I don't like being physically harmed.
You're going to go back to this bullshit? I already apologize. I know.
No, I'm just... Because we're not going to talk about it again.
I'm just telling you what, what I do and don't like. I know what you don't.
Okay. Nobody likes to get hit in the face with a mask.
Right. I'm well aware.
I just don't like it. Okay.
You know, I don't like being, you know, I like being called a gook. I like being like, you know what I mean? I don't call you that.
I know. I'm just saying, I'm just telling you what I do like.
So I can from now on. No, no, no, no, no.
I'm just saying it doesn't, you know what I mean? I don't call you that. I'm just saying.
I'm just telling you what I do like. So I can from now on.
No, no, no, no. I'm just saying it doesn't – you know what I mean? I like confrontation in that way.
Right. Right? People, you're lazy.
You're fat. You're nothing.
You're good for nothing. All that stuff that you do, right? I enjoy.
You're insane. I only – You're nothing.
You're a nothing person. I compliment you constantly.
So I'm saying that I can handle any of that shit, right?

What I can't handle, right, is I don't want to die or I don't want to get scarred.

I wouldn't hurt you.

Right.

I wouldn't really hurt you.

You're that type of guy.

No, I wouldn't.

I beg you.

I beg you.

Honestly.

No, honestly.

Can I just go here?

And I'll get on my knees.

I'll get on my fucking knees, man. I'll get on my knees I'll get on my fucking knees man I'll get on my knees Please Please Don't physically hurt me again Okay I apologize Please sir Don't hurt me again okay I'll think about it No no be real Just say it right now I already told you I honestly Please don't do it again Please Don't do it again.
Please. Don't do it again.
I promise I won't. Okay, I'll thank you.
Okay. For comedic purposes, you do know right now would be the best time for me to throw this mask at you again.
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And also, can I just say this?

Bobby, shut up.

I love you too.

But let me just say this, okay?

And since we're doing this, Jules, don't fucking look at me that way.

Because when I was in the car with you, right?

When I was in the car with you, with some nice music on, right?

What did I say to you and you laughed

You said

I love you

And what was your response

I laugh

Yeah

Do you not love him

No she doesn't

And so now since we're doing this right now

We're doing it right now

That hurt

You threw fucking a mask in my face Thank you. And so now, since we're doing this right now, right? Yeah, we're doing it.
We're doing it right now, right?

That hurt.

You threw fucking a mask in my face, too, in the car.

An emotional mask.

You also laughed.

Because of your response.

Do you know what your response was?

Nice music was playing, right?

You know what I mean?

And I just kind of was driving, and I looked at her, and I go, you know what?

I love you.

And she goes, she was eating a sandwich. She goes, what? That's what she says.
So then I put down the volume and I go, I just said I love you. And she went like this.
She made this face. And then her response, their face made me laugh.
Like, what the fuck? All right, I don't love you. What the fuck? Right? And then we both laughed.
Right? So that's the truth. Right? What you did was hurtful.
You threw a mask at me earlier. Okay? That's what it really is.
Yeah. No.
This didn't even hurt that much. It did.
That hurt. So, um.
Stop touching your eyes. It hurts.
Oh, yeah hurts the last thing is I get weirded out I'm ready whatever it is please I get weirded out when friends send me cute memes or videos, cute memes. What did I send you? Or videos or something to, you know, let's giggle about something together.
You know what I mean? Like schoolgirls. What did I send you? I don't know what that is.
I didn't even watch it, right? But it's like whenever somebody sent. That's a video I sent you that we were going to play on this show.
Okay. But when you send me like.
So that's. Okay.
So I don't want to. You don't want me to send you shit that we might play? I I didn't know that.
Well, no you didn't! Because you didn't fucking watch it! Preface it. I don't send you fucking cute memes.
Look at how you're digging for shit that doesn't even exist. Yeah, you're right.
You're right. I'm just looking now.
There is none. Now you're pissing me off.
I know. Sorry.
I apologize. Thank you.
Look at me in the face. Yeah.
Say sorry. Say sorry, because I'm going to say it to you.
I can't. I'm sorry for hitting you in the face.
I can't. So say sorry for that.
Sorry for what? Sorry for making up shit, you fucking drama queen. I'm sorry.
I love you. So now you're allowed to get Starbucks, by the way.
Is this a new rule? Yeah, delivered. What's the difference if you go to the drive-thru window? They won't let me.
No, no, I'm asking. They won't let me! I'm asking.
What? What's the drive-thru window between a guy that delivers it?

I don't know. They won't let me.

I don't get it. Do you know what it is?

No, I just follow it. You follow the rule.

Yeah, yeah. The rules.

Now, I get not being

in an enclosed space, but I think

a drive-thru seems like that seems...

Regardless,

who's winning? Who's winning? You didn't get COVID

and I did, so maybe that's your... But I also don't go to

drive-thrus, ironically enough.

I don't think I will get COVID, God willing. You won't.
You won't. Because I just don't leave the house.
You don't think that I – You won't. You don't think that I desire to – To get it? Do you want to get it and get it over with? No, I have a...
Do you know Fauci said half of Americans are going to get it by the end of next year. Half of Americans will have had it by the end of next year.
What's that sticker on the back of your phone? Me and Kyla. Oh.
What is that? When is that from? Is that new? A long time ago. Oh.
Why? I've never seen it. Let's get into what...
Let's just get into what... Let's talk about the British Bake Off.

Oh, my God.

I love the British Bake Off.

Do you watch the show?

Are you kidding me?

Are you watching this season?

Yes.

No, be real.

I swear.

And we just finished the great pottery... The great British pottery show on Netflix.

Why can't I think of the name?

I don't know.

I watch the pottery show.

Oh, my God.

They make pots.

Oh, they do?

The pottering wheel.

I didn't know. But I don't know that one.
So can we talk about the British one? Fine. We can talk about the Breaking Bread too.
Breaking Bread. Breaking Bread.
Do you watch it really? Yes, we do. Or let me ask you, because I don't know if you do.
Who's in it? Like, give me a description of people that's in it. Margot.
Kalen. No, babe.
You don't watch it. Why don't you just be honest that you don't watch the show? Margot Kalen.

There's no Margot Kalen in it. The New Princess.
The New Princess. Do you not watch it? Of course I don't watch that show.
That's insane. You don't watch The Great British Bake Off? My sister loves it, and she got me to watch an episode or two with her when I was back home.
and I just don't know

that I don't know

if I care about watching people bake stuff. It's hard for me.
Okay. I tried.
I know people like it. No, no.
It's not about that. It is about baking.
That's the crux of it. That's the foundation of it, right? Right.
But here's why I like it. here's why i think it's a great show who okay who okay tell me why okay tell me why i must watch the show okay because you know we live in a um america i know we live right well but she's not feeling no you know you and i specifically right we live in this like kind of underbelly of comedy, right? We do.
Okay. And we live in terms of what we think about, what we talk about, some of our ideals and ethics.
And because we're always kind of so dark and gloomy, right, that we live in this kind of – you know what I mean? Under a shroud of – you know what I mean, a shroud. We're in the upside down.
We're in the upside down world, right? We see everything. We're in the pool.
The comedy show is so dark and I've seen dark things and drugs and all kinds of stuff, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And when you watch The Great British Bake Off, right? It's the polar opposite of that.
It's sweet. It's what it should be.
Yeah, it's happy.

Yeah.

It's number one, it's a competition show where it's when somebody leaves the show.

They hug them goodbye. There's no fucking cattiness.

Like, bitch, you know what I mean?

You should have fucking made croissants better, bitch.

You know what I mean?

There's none of that, right?

Yeah, but that's a funny show too.

I know that would be a great show, right?

It's like, Tanya was just, I'm so sad to see her go.

And they hug and it's really pleasant.

Even the coach and the judges, everyone gets together at the end and they talk about it.

But number two, it's a very creative show.

It's like there's the technical challenge in the middle, right?

But the first challenge and the last challenge, it's up to the person. They decide what they want to bake? If it's like bread week, right? It's like we want you to make a bread shaped as – you know what I mean? Colonial – make it a colonial building, right? But you can use any ingredients you want, right? And you can use any kind of bread that you want.
So everyone becomes creative, right? And it's interesting because you're like, number one, I love bread. I love anything baking.
Everybody loves bread. Right, but I just love people's ingenuity and because there's a time crunch too, right? There's the stress of it.

But it's like I just – it's a wholesome show and I feel like –

I need it.

I do think you do.

Because I – okay.

So what I agree with you on that I'll try it again.

Yeah.

The reason I like the pottery show –

Is there really a pottery show?

Because I've never heard of one.

I swear to God.

I swear to God that you're lying.

I swear to God it's on Netflix.

I swear to God in my life.

Why would pottery be a thing?

Pottery Netflix show. British.
Look. It's called The Great Pottery Throwdown.
I love it. The Great Pottery Throwdown.
It's on Netflix. Okay.
In the same way that you're talking about, the reason I love it.

I like it because I'm fascinated by pottery.

My therapist says I should pot.

You should pot.

I know, but you've got to buy the wheel.

And I know me. If once you're getting the pot molded just right and it folds in on itself, I'm losing it.

Maybe instead of buying the most expensive Mercedes, you could have got a pottery wheel. I didn't buy a most expensive Mercedes.
I don't even drive a Mercedes. What is that? Benz? What is that? That's a Kia Sorento that I drive.
It's not a Mercedes. It's a Kia Sorento.
It is? Yes. Oh.
Okay. Okay.
And that has nothing to do with the... I'm not going to buy a wheel,

pottering wheel for my house.

Why?

I'm just saying that you spend so much on other things.

What are the other things I spend on?

Take the fucking Mercedes.

It's a Kia Sorento.

I don't have a Mercedes.

That's not your car?

They're not that I see all the time.

There are 50 cars in our parking lot.

Is it a Mercedes?

It's not a Mercedes. It's a...
I got to go look at it then. That's mine.
That's his. Oh, you have a Mercedes? Fancy B.
Underline fancy. Oh.
That Kia Sorento's yours? That's mine. Oh.
Well, you get a better car, but you spend money on... I don't spend money on anything.
Okay. My clothes are terrible.
That's true. Okay.
Yes. Andres.
He just said yes to me. I've been to your house.
What? I buy nothing in my home. Your house looks like...
I'm sorry. Yeah, you hate it.
A show place. I know.
It is. It's from a movie set.
We rent it out every week. No, no, no.
I rent it out. Everything is...
It's like a showroom at a furniture store mise en place it's beautiful mise en place you have great conks and ottomans do you know what mise en place means no it's a it's a it's a culinary term it means everything in its place everything in its place a chef would say mise en place meaning everything goes where it's supposed to be you know i love spielberg movies especially when he portrays families because that's what I think a family should look like, the living room. Like if you ever see E.T., right? Everything's disheveled.
Yeah. And there's cups and, you know what I mean? It just looks real, right? He does middle-class America.
Yeah, when I look in your place, it's like bougie. Bougie.
Yeah. Your house is twice the price and twice the size of mine.
Yeah, but the inside is garbage. That's not— Right, right.
There's like fucking cat shit all over the fucking place. Yeah, but you guys have fancy furniture.
You have expensive stuff in your home. I don't have expensive— My couch.
How much was your couch? Well, it was a gift. So you got it for free? No.
It was a gift from someone that owns a furniture company that I know. Yeah, how much was it? I think it was like a couple grand.
And your couch was probably 20 grand. No.
30. 22.
22 grand. Yeah, but it's for front of Italy.
That's what they charge. See? You are fancy.
I'm not fancy. That's what they charge, right, Jules? How much is your bed? My bed was a Tempur-Pedic.
The bed frame. No, not the bed itself.
And you don't do Tempur-Pedic the bed frame no not the bed itself

and you don't

you don't do Tempur-Pedic

no I do

whatever our sponsor is

whatever our sponsor is

no no no

but like what's the most expensive

you buy expensive stuff

the last expensive thing

I bought for real

genuinely

my thing wasn't expensive

it was hand built

for the room

so yes it was expensive

no my buddy did it

I don't know him that well

let me go backwards

yeah yeah

Fidel

I don't know his last name

Castro

I'm sorry. built for the room.
So yes, it was expensive. No, my buddy did it.
I don't know him that well. Let me go backwards.
Yeah, yeah. I don't know his last name.
Castro? Yeah. I built, I love the pottery show because like the Great British Bake Off, when you lose, they're sad.
They cry. The host of the show cries.
He'll look at someone's pot. He'll look at this ceramic mug and he'll go the composition's quite incredible and look, the thinness that you've done at the base.
I can tell. I can tell.
You put something extra in there and that's what I really appreciate about this. He cries all the time.
It makes my heart glow. So I love the show because i don't care about pottery really although i'm supposed to do it to my therapist but they root for each other and if someone's done early like on on um chopped if you finish your cooking you're not gonna fucking help someone cook a meal yeah yeah when they finish on the great on the pottery show yeah they'll go help someone else put them in the thing so Oh, no, no.
That's what the British want. That's what I'm saying.
Well, these are all British people. This is British too.
That's what British does. Mate, you need more cumin.
I've got extra cumin. Because I run out.
Have you got extra cumin? And the guy will rush and give it to him. I don't know what cumin is.
Thanks for the extra cumin. It's like, have I talked about the antique road show on this show before?

No,

but I have a story.

Yeah, me too.

Go.

So I love it when like,

you know,

the appraiser gets something

that's so rare

they begin to cry.

Yeah, I love that.

Oh my God.

I've studied,

I went to Oxford

and read about

the history of this ornament

never saw it in the flesh.

I cannot believe that it is in front of me right now. How much is it worth? $14.95.
No, but they get like, you know what I mean? This China, Mingling Tao, right? With his hands and clay, right? This is when he lost his hands during the fucking war between the monks, right? With his nubs, he cal, you know what I mean, the statue. This cat? Yeah, he died.
While? While carving, right? Wow. And his cousin Eddie, his cousin Eddie had to grab it from Ming's hand and put it.
And it's like the only thing alive. The only thing that exists.
Left from that from Ming. From that from that.
His cousin Eddie grabbed his hands and still shaped it while he was dead. There was another one where.
To finish the sculpture. One guy was like hey man I just bought this Mexican painting at the thrift store.
Right? And the lady's like where is it? Like where do you hang it? In the garage man. It's in the garage by the tool shed.
Yeah. That painting's $5 million.

Shut up.

Yeah.

Like, who's old?

Did you ever see the one?

This is the best one.

Did you ever see the one of this man, right?

He had this blanket, right?

Uh-huh.

He had this blanket that was like... Like a throw blanket?

Yeah, that was just growing up in his house.

You know what I mean?

Just by the toilet, right?

Right?

Yeah.

You should see it.

It's really great.

And when you're him what it's worth, he brings the cry. Dude, it's so touching.
Can I just show it to you? Let's look it up. Oh, my God.
It is so touching. It's like this Navajo blanket.
40 to 18, 16. It's called a ute.
First phase. A ute? A ute first phase wearing blanket.
Watch, he gets emotional, the old man. But it's Navajo made.
They were made for ute chiefs. And they were very, very valuable at the time.
This is sort of, this is Navajo weaving in its purest form. All of these things that we see later with diamonds and all kinds of different patterns comes much later than this.
This is just pure linear design.

This is the beginning of Navajo. I'd wipe my ass with that.

If that was in the house, I wouldn't give a fuck about that.

Would you?

It looks like a bathroom mat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Unbelievable.

We see these.

We've got a little bit of damage over there.

It's made from hand-woven wool, but it's so finely done, it's like silk.

It would repel water.

And this here is

dyed with indigo dyes.

It was a very valuable dye at the time.

It's an extraordinary piece of art.

It's extremely rare.

It is the most important

thing that's come into the roadshow that I've seen.

Really? Do you have sense at all

of what we're looking at here in terms of value?

I haven't a clue.

Are you a wealthy man? No. Well, sir, I'm still a little nervous here, I have to tell you.
On a really bad day, this textile would be worth $350,000. $350,000? Yeah.
For a fucking blanket? Look at him. Yeah.
He's going to fucking die. Yeah.
He's like, I'm fucking seeing myself. No, I used to fuck my cousin on this rock.
In the backyard, you know what I mean? Yeah. $300,000, what does he say here? On a good day, it's about a half a million dollars.
Oh my God. And you had no idea.
I had no

idea. I just ran on

the back of a chair. Well, sir,

you have a national treasure.

Wow. A national treasure.

Gee. When you

walked in with this, I just about died.

Congratulations.

Congratulations. I can't believe

this. Okay, enough of that.

Two things here. Okay.
I'm pro'm pro Okay Good for this man Easy He's He can't even He's gonna die before he can spend any of that money Well To me I'd be like Already in my mind Right I'm gonna leave my wife I'm gonna You know I'm never gonna talk to my kids I'm gonna move I'm moving to Hawaii Cocaine Right And'm never going to talk to my kids. I'm moving to Hawaii.
Cocaine, right? And hookers. Vegas.
That's why he stopped talking. Yeah, that's what's going through his life.
But the other part of me that's like, not to sound like one of these dickheads, but it's like a Native American, and this old white guy has it. Right.
Kit Carson, though, right? His great-great-great-grandfather or whatever knew Kit Carson. Yeah.
I don't know who Kit Carson is. I don't know who that is either.
That's very important. Yeah, I don't know.
We're not good with stuff like that. But what they're saying is that if they could prove that it was Kit Carson's blanket, it's worth triple the amount.
Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I just think, how does this old white guy have guy have, like, a chief, an Indian, a Navajo Indian chief's youth blanket?

That seems, like, not nice.

Oh, you think that he stole it?

Like, his ancestors stole it?

His ancestors obviously killed the chief, and then they passed the blanket.

Let's trade blankets, right?

Right, back in the day, right?

He went to an Indian, right?

Let's trade blankets, right?

And the Indian's like, ooh, okay, right?

And you're like, mine is way warmer than yours. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gave him the blanket. They all died from smallpox.
And this guy gets a half a million dollars. He gets a half a million dollars.
Bad person. Okay, you know what? I take it back.
Fuck that old guy. Here, Christopher Hudson Carson, better known as Kit Carson, was an American frontiersman.
He was a fur trapper, wilderness guide, Indian. They say fur.
Yeah, fur. Yeah, yeah.
Wilderness guide, Indian agent, and U.S. Army officer.
He became a frontier legend, his own life biographies, nude articles. So clearly, Kit Carson stole this or killed someone for it.
Maybe he was friends with the Indian, because it says he was a Native American. He was an Indian agent.
What does an Indian agent mean? Do you know what that is? Does that mean he – Well, the Indians back then, right, they wanted to do a lot of commercial work. Oh, he was an agent for the pictures.
No. For the – No, what? Audition for an agent.
Yeah, for the pictures. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Back then they probably didn't have TV, right? They didn't have TV back then? No, no, no. When did TV get started? I don't know, in the 50s 60s yeah 1660s 1670s okay so it says Indian fighter Carson was 19 when he set off with Ewan Young's expedition Rocky Mountains in addition to furs and the company sold a free spirited rugged mountain men Carson sought action and adventure he found what he's looking for in killing and scalping Indians Carson probably killed and took the scalp of his first Indian.
He was 19. Yeah, this guy, this old man that we first saw, is the descendant of an Indian murderer.
This is not a joyful rug story. But what if we had a box next to him? He just had scalps.
He's like, we had these too. We had these scalps.
So this guy obviously was not a notion about Indians. Softened over the years.
Okay, he found himself more and more in their companies. He grew older.
You have to. I think you have to be Indian.
Well, you scalp enough of them, you finally feel bad. David Roberts believes his marriage to an Arapaho woman named Singing Grass softened the stern and pragmatic mountaineers opportunism.
Wait, wait, wait. He married a woman named Singing Grass.
Dude, you always think that there's wolves in it, right? Like Sleepy Wolf or whatever, which is Joe Biden. Or something like that, right? Sleepy Wolf.
Sleepy Wolf. Or something like that.
Yeah. But Sleep, what is it? Singing Grass? Singing Grass was his white name.
It is Singing Grass. What a great name.
That sounds like what Rudy's name would be. Yeah, Singing...
No. What would it be? Sharpie Knife? Yeah, Sharpie.
Bloody Knife? Yeah, something like that. Her.
Bloody Knife. Yeah.
So, oh my God. Carson had several encounters.
Look at this. The Blackfoot.
The group of teeth be with three Indian corpses inside. The three had died of smallpox.
This guy. Yeah.
And I love how it says, as an Indian agent, he saw to those under his watch were treated with honesty and fairness. So we know that's not true, by the way.
That's like a slave owner being like, I was nice to my slaves. Such bullshit.
The historian David Roberts said his marriage to his singing grass softened the stern and pragmatic manner. So he married a Native American woman.
And only then was he like, that ain't so bad. Yeah.
Yeah. These are what we this guy clearly left his family and gave it to this guy.
Someone very important thing. And now they're all dead.
And now yours would be yelling spear, yelling, yelling spear, yelling spear, something like that.

Yelling son, yelling son, yelling son, yelling son.

What's mine?

Sleepy Panda.

You would be.

Everybody liked it in the house.

They did.

You would have to be something with sleep.

You would be.

Well, OK.

Singing grass is pretty lazy.

No, no.

Sleepy because it has to be like sleepy or tired or restful.

Restful.

You know what?

You're like a tired nugget.

You're like a nugget of a person.

Tired nugget.

Tired nugget.

Sleepy.

Sleepy nugget.

So sleepy nugget.

Sleepy nugget.

Screamy son or yelly son.

Yeah, yelling son. Yelling son.
Yeah.ife. Bloody Knife.
And what's Andres? Fancy Bean. He already has it.
It stays the same? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's another Antique Roadshow that I have to tell you about.
Oh, wait. Let me tell you real fast.
I sat next to a guy on a plane. We were traveling somewhere.
He's like, where are you going? I usually avoid it, but he was a nice guy. And I said i'm a stand-up i'm actually going to wherever st louis for i said what do you do and he goes i'm on the antiques road show he's one of the presenters oh wow and i was like no shit yeah and rudely and i and i felt bad afterwards but i said that that's still on and i didn't mean it like oh it's it's going stronger than i know but i didn't mean it like i just meant like it? I've never, I haven't seen it in years except on the internet.
He's like, yeah, yeah, it is. And he was very cool.
And we had a conversation. I said, what's the craziest story that you've ever seen? And I think it's on YouTube.
We can look for it. A man was a World War II veteran.
And he was a World Wari veteran and world war ii and so this uh this man right here so the g the 1960 gmt master roller i've seen this one he goes he goes he said to me it was the craziest thing and he was that he's he was at this he was at this one right here he kept the receipts and all the boxes and stuff like so he was. Yeah.
A friend of a friend said – He bought one for his dad and himself. That's exactly right.
He's exactly right. All of these.
That's exactly right. Yeah, yeah.
And he goes – the army captain said – Make sure you buy – Make sure you buy a Rolex when we're there because they're going to be worth money someday. Back then, he was – an army guy like that would make $150 a month.

I think it's got to be

less than that.

Less than that.

Yeah.

And the watches were

so expensive.

I didn't even,

to me,

I'd be like,

no,

I'm going to eat.

I bought my Rolex

GMT Master

that I bought.

The GMT Master.

He's got all the receipts.

I bought it in Germany

in Zweibrocken.

Zweibrocken, Germany.

Wait, dude.

They showed the receipt

at the beginning there.

Yeah. $230 is what he paid for the Rolex.
Yeah, but't he didn't make a lot and so to me I'm like this guy look at that look at that thing still working yeah let me show you let me get to the part when they tell him the price because they go through all this he gets emotional oh my god it's actually probably the sweetest thing I've ever seen in my life. So look at that.
He paid $230 for it. The Rolex itself was $104.
One of them was $104. The one that he gave his dad was $120.
And then he bought a neck chain for $1.60 and two film, two pornographic films each for $1.95 that ended up being $3.90. The original Two Girls, One Cop.
Yeah. And this was in Zweibrochen, Germany, and none other than Hitler himself sold him the watch.
J.J. Hitler, that was his name.
People don't know that. It wasn't Adolf.
It was Julius Hitler. Adolf was his middle name.
So he tells him what he paid. He tells him what it's worth.
Hold on. Let's get to it.
He tells him, he does this thing, oh, you've got all the right stuff. You've got all the Nazi paperwork.
He's like, I got it. And it's even, he's still got the stamp here.
Maybe this is it right here. Dollars.
He just said it right there. $5,000.
Oh, here we go. Would be worth today between $35,000 and $45,000.
But this watch is worth much more because you save the box and all the paperwork for it easily today.

It's $65,000 to $75,000 in the market.

Probably more than a month's pay in the military right now.

Wow. I had no idea.
Look at him. He's getting emotional.
So sweet. I'm speechless.
If you would have told me $1,500, I would have been happy. That's great.
There's one I want to show you. But can I tell you something about this that I learned afterwards? He was a molesting.
Yes. He molested people.
No. That watch was a Ute Navajo Chief's watch, and he stole it.
Yeah. What's the other one? So the other one was this lady.
Yeah. I guess her grandmother or great-grandmother, right, had a boarding house, and she boarded the first professional baseball team but they were just kids this guy Spalding the Spalding Empire the company that makes balls the Wright brothers did planes whoever they could have been baseball players too and they stayed at this house.
So she has the original baseball cards, the very first ones. What? Yeah.
You should see how much it is. What is it? 18th Roadshow baseball cards? Yeah.
Original. Yeah.
There it is. It's got to be one of the top ones.
It's this old woman. It's that one.
It's that one. It's got to be.
It's that one. Back in 1871, my great-great-grandmother had a boarding house in Boston, and she housed the Boston baseball team.

Most of them had come from Cincinnati Red Stockings and were among the first to be paid to play baseball.

Do you know what they were paid in those days, the first professional teams?

Well, I know the Cincinnati Reds, the $93. Wait, push for a second.

This is when the appraiser gets emotional, too.

This is what's good about old white people.

This is the one...

They've got so much fun little

knick-knacky tidbits.

This is fun.

Yeah.

This is fun.

I mean, they're terrible.

Some of them are really bad people,

and they hate you.

No.

She hates you.

No, this one, no.

These types of white women love me.

They ask me if I read.

Because they don't think you can?

No.

One time I was at fucking – I was in Columbus, Ohio.

And I was at a bookstore, right?

And I was really depressed.

So I bought like a Deepak Chopra book.

Yeah.

I was so depressed.

I was about to kill myself. And I was standing – I was sitting on the curb and I was just depressed, so I bought a Deepak Chopra book.
I was so depressed. I was about to kill myself.
And I was sitting on the curb, and I was just opening it up and reading. And this old lady comes, just like her.
Young man! I go, what? What? Am I not supposed to be sitting here? I always get defensive. Yeah, you do.
You get nervous. I stood up.
I was like, whoa, I'm sorry. I put the cigarette out.
You know what I mean? You read? I go, yeah, I just, you know what I mean? It's like, oh, I'm so glad the youth are reading books because that's what I was raised with, reading books. You know what I mean? Oh, sweet.
I just read, you know, Sun Also Rise, by Heming May, just again. What a great, have you read that book, right? You've never read.
I don't know who that is. Yeah.
Right? And we just had this conversation about reading. Well, because people don't read.
No, but that's what I love about old white ladies like this. Some of them.
They talk about yarning. Because if you were down in Little Rock, it'd have been, young man! Yeah.
And you'd have gone, oh, sorry, oh, I gotta... Yeah.
She goes, what are you doing here, fella? Oh, right. What are you doing here, little Chinese fella? But the ending of this, guess how much those are.
So hold on. Well, guess how much they are.
Well, I want to hear what she says they got paid. Oh, yeah, yeah.
No, the Cincinnati Reds, the first $9,300 I read was the entire payroll for the baseball team at that time. $9,300 for the whole team.
The whole team. For a whole year.
Yeah, that's five bucks a person. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. All right, let's do it.
Now, all these cards went to your great-grandfather that's how that's how he got them and they got handed down to you they all look like that apparently he collected them and he unfortunately cut them down oh wow album so they're all whoa look at harry schaefer was blind that man is blind yeah god that's wild

David S. Burstall.
He's slightly askew. And the thing that's special in addition to the...
That's the look where he looks at immigrants getting in the cage. Yeah.
Getting in the cage. Okay, let's see how much this is worth.
It says it at the end usually, right? Mm-hmm. She gets emotional.
...cursor to the National and American Leagues american leagues so that all said you're going to keep them in the family right i want to yes okay i'm going to value this as an archive everything here if you're going to insure it sure i would insure it for at least one million Are you serious? Oh, my. Holy smokes.
It is the greatest archive I have ever had at the roadshow. Really? Holy smokes.
Guess I better put it in a bank vault. This is very funny.
And yes, I am going down this path, but it is always funny. The old, old white people have the same reaction.
Like anti-trocho would be so better if it was a black show. Oh, it would have been like the best.
They would have wiped as soon as it would have been already in a box in the car

driving away.

The reactions would be

so much better.

She goes,

oh my goodness.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

If it was like

an old black lady

and they were like,

these are worth it.

She's like,

oh shit!

It would have been

so much more fun

to watch someone

lose their shit.

You would see somebody

flipping in the background.

Just doing flips.

You know what I mean? I mean, it's a million dollars and she goes, oh my. Oh my.
Well. You can't put it in a bank vault.
Sell it! Sell it, you're gonna die soon. That is insane.
Cocaine, prostitutes, like the other guy. That's the first thing that, honestly though, let's think about it like this.
You move out of your house now, okay? And you don't even know that when they're clearing it out, there's stuff in there from the previous owners. And they find something.
Like, oh, you're redoing that when you're fixing the house, which is my dream. My dream is like they rip a wall and they're like, hey, there's a painting in here.
And you take it and they're like, dude, this is worth $2 to $3 million. Oh, my God.
What's your literal first thing you're doing right away? Bobby, this were two million dollars as painting. Jules Kolelik, get out.
No, no, no. It would just be like, would you give them money? Would you right away? Would your first thought be like, I'm going to break? No, nothing.
Right. OK, smart.
No, not a dime. No, we'd take a vacation, though.
Where? Anywhere they would want. I would say just anywhere you guys want to go, let's go.
Would you do like private? What do you mean? Would you fly private or you still do commercial? First class but for commercial. Right, still commercial.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a dream of winning a lot of money.
Yeah. And flying my whole family private somewhere.
But me being on another plane. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like putting them on one and then putting me on well i see i used to do that i got a girl broke up with me kind of because when we would fly i she would be in the coach you put her in coach you're such a dick yeah and it the best is when your girlfriend you're in first class and they have to walk by i know it's my favorite why would you put her in coach because i think the couple of times that did they only had one first class but a bunch of coach what about the other times what what about the other times you did it no those are the only couple times i've done it oh they only had one first class seat yeah yeah i only had one like it's either sit and coach with my girl and i would look at her and i go it was her name was Christine, I'd go. I'm just going to get only had one.
Like, it's either sit and coach with my girl, and I would look at her, and her name was Christine.

I'd go, I'm just going to get the one first class.

And she'd be like, what?

You don't even need the extra leg room.

I know.

I just need it.

But you, why?

Luxury?

Yeah.

But you never offered it to her?

There was only one available.

Correct. Between you and her, you never offered it to her once?

Is she on stage performing?

I don't think she is.

Thank you. but you never offered it to her there was only one available correct between you and her you never offered it to her once is she on stage performing I don't think she is okay let's cut to right now Kalilah and you you're flying to New York it's a long flight Mr.
Lee we're gonna refund you I'm at the desk Mr. Lee look so embarrassed, but we've overbooked.
We have one ticket in first class. The other one is in the 38th row by the bathroom, and it's actually bathroom, two babies, and on the other side is broken seat, and that's the jumper seat for the flight attendant.
So those two seats, what would you like us to do? It's the only flight we got to New York. This is it.
Well, what I would immediately do is go into a false routine in terms of like I would faint sickness. Right.
Mr. Lee, we've seen this before.
We need you to pick the seat. No, to the Kalilah.
Oh. I don't feel good.
She'd be like, what do you mean? I don't know. I think I need my medication.
Oh, let's get your meds. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Where is it? Oh, yeah, I still. You know, you could take it, sweetie.
Oh, you'd say that? Yeah, to her. But I would also faint.
Right. You know what I mean? So you'd put it on.
Yeah, I would put it on. Like, oh, I feel dizzy.
And she's like, no, no, you go ahead. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then do you say, yeah, yeah, okay. Like, right away.

No, are you sure?

None of that? No, no, no, no. Really?

I would offer it to her first. Yeah.
Right.

And then, you know what I mean, faint sickness of some sort. And then

when she gave it back to me, I would take it right away.

Bobby. What would you do?

If me and the old lady

were flying somewhere, and they had two,

I would let her sit in the first class. And that's

what I would offer it. No.

I would offer it first. But you knew you were playing the game to get out of it.
What? You have to fight for your right. Okay? You have to fight for your right to take first class? No.
You have to do it in a chivalrous way. Right.
Because I'm chivalrous. I'm a man.
You are chivalrous. Yeah, yeah.
And so I would have to put up that front. Sure.
Right. But I also have to, you know what I mean, play the card.
I have to play my card too. Play my hand.
Right. Right.
Because you're like, I'm a performer. I need the rest.
You're doing that thing. Even if we're going on a regular vacation.
Just to go rest more. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So because there's no harm in that. I agree.
Right? I'm giving you the option. Maybe she doesn't even care.
She does care. She cares.
Yeah. Do your feet touch the ground when you're all the way back in the seat? I just I see your feet like swinging like a little kid on a toilet.
Have you ever flown private? Be real. No.
Never? You know who else hasn't? Who?

Me. Yeah.
I refuse to do it.

No. If somebody else offers it to me,

I would do it. No, I don't.
No, because

Buddy Holly. What happened?

He died. He died?

Yeah, Buddy Holly and Richie Valens died.

I know. Who else died

private? In a private plane?

Mm-hmm. JFK.

No, that's not. Junior.
Yes, that one did, yeah. Yeah, JFK.
The other one, his head fell off. Well, half of it was there.
You ever think about that? I talked about this the other day for some reason. She's scooping his head back into his.
I mean, what would you do? To me, once that happened. As someone who plays Warzone yeah did you ever watch the footage

and be like

that's a good shot

kill shot

head shot

yeah yeah

that's insanely far

it's insane

it's crazy

I mean there was two shooters

yeah yeah

but just imagine scooping

your loved one's head

yeah

like imagine scooping

Kalyla's head

back into her brain

right

and then after that

it's like

that's it

that's it

life is completely

dark

I mean how could you be

and you can's it. That's it.
Life is completely dark. I mean, how could you be anything else? I mean, I don't know.
If you see the... Are you laughing? Yeah, why are you laughing? Oh, my God.
It's dark. She doesn't even know.
Do you know who JFK was? The president? No, the archaeologist. He was the archaeologist.
He was the famous American archaeologist. Do you know what we're talking about?

He got shot.

You know that, right?

His head got shot and killed.

Yeah.

Can I see the video?

Oh, my goodness.

Are you being fucking weird?

Yeah, I'm curious.

Do you know what you want to show?

It's probably not on YouTube.

Do you know what you need to show her is the Zapruder film.

Yeah.

Do you know what that is?

Do you know about any of this stuff?

There's conspiracy that JFK was...

There was two people, two separate gunshots.

I'm going to go ahead. Do you know about any of this stuff? There's conspiracy that JFK was – there was two people, two separate gunshots.
Here's the Zapruder film there. You've got to watch the whole thing.
I can't really scan through it. Well, this is – look.
This is kind of an example of – look at the bullet goes through, down and away, down and away. You need to really watch – this is the shot.
Look at how beautiful that shot was. His head got shot in that car.
In that car right there next to his wife. It happened in Houston, Dallas, right? In Dallas.
Why do I want to? I thought Dallas. Then you said Houston.
And I thought I was wrong. Yeah.
I think Dallas. Dallas.
It was Dallas, right? Fancy? Yeah. It was so sad.
Right there, they were having a great time. Three minutes after that, it was the worst time.
You ever think about what's the last thing he said right before he got shot? Yeah. It's hot.
It's hot out here. Yeah, it's hot out here.
How long is this ride? These Italian suits. What if he said something racist right before he got shot? Yeah.
He's like, these guinea wops can't make a suit for shit.

Right, right.

Wow.

You need to watch that.

You need to do your research about that.

You'll find out some crazy stuff, and you'll be getting to conspiracy depths.

It's a little dark.

Very dark.

I want to end this on a happy note.

I'm serious.

Yeah.

I love that we can talk and laugh and then apologize for our mistakes.

Yeah.

And it means a lot to me. Yeah.
I'm sorry I hit you in this. It still hurts.
Bob, I said I'm sorry. I'm just being real.
And genuinely, I love you. And I love you too.
And I'm sorry. But it's throbbing pain.
But look at me. I'm sorry.
You're welcome. No.
No. I'm sorry too.
You don't say you're welcome. How do you say it? You just say it.
I hear it. You can say thanks.
Heary, heary. Thanks.
thanks Thank you You mean a lot to me Hey

Hey

Shut up

Turn the music down

Look at me real fast

I love you

I love you too

Okay