Tito Debate Election 2020

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends.

Speaker 2 Bobby was late. It's an update.

Speaker 2 You're late every day. It pisses me off.
And that's why I'm always mad. You're so f late.
I'm late to the show. I'm not always late.
You're late every every time we film.

Speaker 2 You're late every time we film. Bob, without fail.

Speaker 2 Yeah, bro. Yes.
You're too early. That's your problem.
It's always being on time too early? No, no, no. What you do is you come here like 20 minutes before, so it seems like longer.

Speaker 2 What you do is you come 20 minutes before to set up the show to make sure that everything is in order. So then when we shoot, we're ready.
But it's all about perception and time.

Speaker 2 It's all about, it's all about, right, Jules? No, no, don't, don't, don't, don't.

Speaker 2 What do you mean it's all about perception and time. It's how you perceive it and how you live your time.

Speaker 2 Swing. Swing in a miss, and that one's way outside, Bobby.
I don't know. I live in the moment.
Yeah, and the moment is the time we're supposed to shoot. Live in that moment and be on it.

Speaker 2 Right, but we're here now in the moment shooting. Late, but other people have, we have stuff to do, you know? What do you have to do? I have to go to a thing this evening.
What thing?

Speaker 2 Another COVID party? I'm watching a premiere. Another COVID party.
I'm watching a premiere tonight. Are you in it? Mm-hmm.
What is it? Davey plus two? No, that's FX3.

Speaker 2 This season is about to start, and it's FXX. Thank you very much.

Speaker 2 Let's not make fun of my show. I'm not making fun of your show.
I'm

Speaker 2 a premiere. The way you say it, the way you say

Speaker 2 Davey, you're on Magnum PL. I'm gallis.
Is Magnum P Alley the cool show to be on? I'm Galus. You are Galas.
Yeah. Good to see you, boop.
No.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. Because

Speaker 2 what you don't understand.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. Is that I woke up right

Speaker 2 in a fury. Why? When I called you? No, because we have construction in the house.
Because of the floor. Yeah.
So there's people,

Speaker 2 buzz saws going,

Speaker 2 dogs barking, you know?

Speaker 2 Crazy. I can't find my keys.
And then all of a sudden, like, I'm spilling drinks because I'm looking for, and things are splashing all over the fucking place. And, you know, there's tension.

Speaker 2 Check it out. Check it out.
Let me finish. Yeah.
There's tension, right?

Speaker 2 I run down, right? You know what?

Speaker 2 I go, baby, get me Starbucks. She orders me Starbucks, right? I run down and I'm like, maybe I'll just, maybe going in front of Jules downstairs, right? Because she's in school, right?

Speaker 2 It'll make me feel better. So I go in there and she just gives me fucking judge eyes.
You know what I mean? Judge eyes. Like Judge Edo eyes.
She's just like, everything I'm like, I'm OJ. Guilty.

Speaker 2 Yeah, guilty. Right?

Speaker 2 And so then I'm playing Warzone and then like I can't get no kills. I'm just like,

Speaker 2 I'm just dying out there, man. And then all of a sudden, like, you know, then

Speaker 2 the Starbucks is late, and we're supposed to go here.

Speaker 2 And I go, should I get my coffee and have my little sandwich? Or should I come to malnourished to this podcast? Should I come malnourished? Check it out. Yeah.
Check it out.

Speaker 2 We called, I talked to you at 230. Okay, you had an hour and a half to put food in your body.
Okay, but here. And to get here on time, I didn't.

Speaker 2 I didn't tell the story, right?

Speaker 2 I didn't tell the story right. So everything was just a lie, what you just said? No, no, there's one little thing that I forgot to mention.
Is it an important detail? Really huge.

Speaker 2 And why'd you leave it out?

Speaker 2 Because I just wanted to get through the fucking story. Oh, so the important things you should take out.
Yeah. Okay, so what's the one thing that you wanted? So that Starbucks wasn't the first option.

Speaker 2 When I came down there, right,

Speaker 2 right to your room.

Speaker 2 Timeout. How long did you play Warzone for? We were waiting for...
Let me just finish my point.

Speaker 2 So when I came down there, what did I say was coming first initially? A sandwich? No?

Speaker 2 Burrito. Oh, burrito.
Did I say burrito? Yeah. Okay, thank you.
So I go, we ordered burritos from Koufax. Yeah, I love it.
Breakfast burritos. Burritos.
Great, right? Yeah, great.

Speaker 2 So then I started playing Warzone, and I'm texting Kalila. You can see the text.
Where is it? We have to go, right?

Speaker 2 And then she goes, it's coming. We're waiting.
And then all of a sudden she says, they fucking canceled the order.

Speaker 2 Because it was a breakfast burrito and you ordered it at 2 p.m.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 That could be it. I don't know what it is.
And you might have a point, but that's irrelevant. It's irrelevant.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Whatever the reasons why they canceled it, they canceled it. Sure.
Right? So I'm like, now it's like, we're supposed to be here at four. Now it's like 3.45.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, I can't podcast without coffee. And I need to get some nutrients in my body because I'm a human being.
And that's what I fucking drive on. Could have some food at the house.
Could.

Speaker 2 No, because... Could have some food around the house.
The construction is what?

Speaker 4 They're blocking the fridge. Yes.

Speaker 2 So? So I can't go up there because, and it has nothing to do with their race or anything. Oh, it's not.
It's the Hispanics. Oh, boy.
That's what it is. You don't like to be around Mexicans.

Speaker 2 No, that's dude. I love them.
You get nervous about this. I love them.
Cinco de Maya. I'm fucking, I'm the one with the fucking spices, man.
You go upstairs and get it.

Speaker 2 I bring bring the spices to the bottom. Hora, senior, and you're like.
No, I don't. So I can't go up there, and it's like,

Speaker 2 so we're late, all right? But there's a reason why.

Speaker 2 All that other shit you just talked about? Was that not it? Yeah, those are the reasons. Those are the reasons.
Yeah, yeah. So I think that in a court of law, I would win.
Mm-mm.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
No way. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's no way. In the court of law, I would win.
All right, well, I got you a gift anyway. For what?

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 2 I got you two gifts.

Speaker 2 Because we're concerned about your sleep patterns and I hear you breathe, the fans have noted that you're breathing so much, they can hear how you breathe in the mic, and they're concerned.

Speaker 2 A lot of people hear fluttering within your lungs. People are getting concerned.
We've had a lot of fans write in. Medical fans have said, I work in the medical field.

Speaker 2 Bobby sounds a little sketchy when he breathes. So breathe through your nose into the mic.
Go ahead.

Speaker 2 They're worried.

Speaker 2 So we got you two things. I'm getting you help, by the way.
I'm getting you a sleep apnea coach is going to to be on next week, okay?

Speaker 2 But I've got you two things that I'd like you to try on now. This is an anti-snoring chin strap, the white one.

Speaker 2 Let's see if that works.

Speaker 2 See if it maybe helps a little bit with your breathing technique.

Speaker 2 These chin straps are from

Speaker 2 Amazon. They were the cheapest one I could find, so I don't know if they're...

Speaker 2 And they're made in Wuhan, China. I don't know where that is or if that's a good spot to come from, but that's what these are made.

Speaker 2 You place the wide part. I already know how to use these before.
You used it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But then put the other part behind your head. So unstrap the Bob.

Speaker 2 Are you snoring? No. This is perfect.
Working. These are great.

Speaker 2 Well, there's a black one too. But we also got you one more thing as a gift.
This is from the crew here at Bad Friends. This is a two-in-one.

Speaker 2 Anti-snoring and an air purifier. This is actually very dope.
This came highly recommended. You put this in your schnaz.
You won't snore. It'll help you not have sleep sleep apnea stuff.

Speaker 2 And on top of it,

Speaker 2 you're filtering out all the stuff that's in the air here in Los Angeles. We have crappy air, you know? So throw that in your schnaz and let's see what that does.

Speaker 2 We have really bad air. Have you ever seen the dust outside? When you look at the furniture, isn't it disgusting? It's gross.

Speaker 2 This would mean that I would have. Is it that dusty back home? This would mean I would have.
In the Philippines? Yeah, is it dusty in the Philippines? It's bad.

Speaker 2 I would have every hole in my body, in my face covered if I have this. Correct.
Because I covered my eyes, my ears. Yeah.
And now my nose.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 I have one more hole. My mouth.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah, but we're going to put a snake.

Speaker 2 Dicks in your mouth. Yeah, night, yeah.

Speaker 2 We're going to put a sleep apnea machine in your mouth. You could put the dick in your butt.
What is this? You can still put the dick in your butt.

Speaker 2 Go ahead and put it up your schnaz and see how it works.

Speaker 2 Now breathe into the mic. Let's hear it.
Hello? No, no, no. Breathe with your nose.

Speaker 2 How much smoother does that sound?

Speaker 2 Dude, this is going to change your life. No, but why?

Speaker 2 I don't. I don't.
Well, first of all, I don't hear a difference. There's a huge difference.

Speaker 2 I'm fine with my nasal passive sway. But you don't know what's really going on, Bob.
Of course I do. I'm the one that's living in it.
You barely know what's going on with your body.

Speaker 2 I know exactly what's going on with my body. You really do? It's a good machine.
It's a bad machine. It's a broken machine.
It's an old Xerox machine. We need to fix it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but it's not, I'm not going to die. Oh, I don't know.
Am I going to die? Is that what they're saying? People are fucking emailing us that I'm going to die.

Speaker 2 People are saying they're concerned about your sleep habits because it's really dangerous. How?

Speaker 2 People die so much younger when they have sleep apnea, when they can't get good sleep, when they stay up too late and their body isn't on a good time schedule. This is how people die young.

Speaker 2 Okay, I'll keep it in there. It sounds good.
It does? Honestly, it sounds like you're getting full filtered air in there.

Speaker 2 You feel that?

Speaker 2 It's smooth, right? I literally am dizzy. Because you're getting so much oxygen.
No, no, no. I'm like, I'm about to faint.
Don't faint. Okay.

Speaker 2 Should I keep it in? I think you should take it out. No, I'm going to keep it in.
Keep it in. I'll keep it in.
Look, it's going to help you tremendously. Okay.
And people.

Speaker 2 Okay. Who are these doctors? People from the internet.
Yeah, internet doctors? Internet doctors.

Speaker 2 So what are they saying on the what they're saying that they're that they they're saying that when they're listening to the fucking podcast, they can hear me breathe.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they can hear you breathe through your schnaz. And it sounds it sounds like you're not getting enough oxygen.
You don't know your body.

Speaker 2 What kind of body fat percentage do you have, do you think? 4.5 over the redux of my body fat. Really? Yeah.
I'm going to get a body fat at measuring machine, and I guarantee you're like 20 or 30.

Speaker 2 You're almost 30% body fat. Pie over fucking grams.

Speaker 2 Put your arm out to the side. Put your arm straight out.
I'm here, man. All right, jiggle it.

Speaker 2 Like this. Do it like that.
Look at that. Fuck you.
There's nothing here. There's no muscle.
That's like a... There's no muscle, but there's no fat.
Yeah, there is. Look on the underside.

Speaker 2 Look at all that fat wiggling down there. Skin.
Nah, that's not fat.

Speaker 2 I come from a big skin family. You guys have a lot of skin? We have longer skin, and we have more skin genetically in my family.
Okay. Yeah.
But there's no fat. No fat.
There's fat in my stomach.

Speaker 2 But anywhere else it doesn't exist. Mm-mm.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Well, I hope this works. At least this, I think, is a good start.

Speaker 2 I'll try tonight, though. I think you should, honestly.
So this, what is this going to do? It's going to open up your nasal passages, right? It's going to get more airflow.

Speaker 2 That's why you feel like fainting because you're actually probably getting a lot of oxygen in your blood i'm a little high right now it's cool that's cool yeah you do get a little stone from air yeah yeah yeah have you ever had an oxygen machine have you ever had like a have you ever been in the mountains before oh i'm a mountain man no you're not oh fuck yeah where'd you go big bear

Speaker 2 mammoth okay okay okay um mammoth is good mammoth is up there mount soledad mount soledad yeah most mount soledad when did you go mount soledad there's one in la jolla Oh, that's not.

Speaker 2 No, there's one in Mexico that I'm thinking. You're not, you didn't.
Mount Soledad is like a hill. Yeah, it's not a mountain.
But it's called Mount Soledad. Sure.

Speaker 2 Yes, that's true. Right? Yeah, there's a high school called Mount Carmel.
It's not on a mountain. I know, but it's still uphill.
Sure, it's up a hill. Yeah, it's up.
And you're elevated.

Speaker 2 Okay, yes, it's a mountain. It's not a mountain, but I'm just saying they call it Mount Soledad.
I'm just giving you facts. Yeah, but that's not a mountain.
I need to know mountains.

Speaker 2 Fiji and Fuji. Fiji water, Fuji water? Yeah, yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 I drank

Speaker 2 Fiji water on Mount Fuji. Did you really? Yeah.
That's kind of fun. That's really good.

Speaker 2 It's going to get more oxygen in your blood. It's going to help you sleep better.
And it's filtering the air. So then if Kalila lets one rip at night or one of the dogs, you won't be able to smell it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Or you.
Or you. If you don't want to smell your body.
Surely has me really concerned, though, man. This is kind of freaking me out.
Same to us. That's why we're doing this.

Speaker 2 No, but do I really need to go to a doctor and get a fucking machine? We're getting a guy on the machine. I have to do a test.
That's what my doctor says.

Speaker 2 He's going to analyze everything up front and find out how, if you really need to come in and get a machine. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I think he's going to find out that, yeah, you're drinking 87 ounces of coffee. You're still smoking.
You're drinking Red Bull.

Speaker 2 Your diet consists of pizza, boogers,

Speaker 2 and, you know,

Speaker 2 Korean barbecue.

Speaker 2 I mean, when was the last time you had just a salad?

Speaker 2 For real. Monday, maybe.
But was a salad with fix-ins on it?

Speaker 2 It was a pizza salad. Pizza salad, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, that makes sense.
Well, it's a pizza, right, with the sauce, but they put salad on top.

Speaker 2 They really do. I know.
It's really good. Yeah.
Yeah. Pizza salad's fine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we, I love, um, is um

Speaker 2 carbonara a salad? Carbonaro is not a salad, no. It's delicious, though.
Sure. Can we admit that? Yeah, but

Speaker 2 it also fills you up. Sure does.
It gives you energy. No, I don't know if it gives you energy.
Yeah, yeah. There's I like carbonara a lot.
You know, I don't know if that's a salad. And

Speaker 2 penne with carbonara, I'm sure that's not a salad. Penne is a pasta.
Yeah, yeah. But it is

Speaker 2 really good. Yes.
I also like

Speaker 2 what fruits do I like? I like

Speaker 2 blueberries. Okay.
Bananas. Bananas are good for you.
Yeah. I like peanut butter with my banana, though.
Same. You do? I put peanut butter on my waffles too.
I had blueberry waffles.

Speaker 2 So what I'll do is I'll chop up maybe five bananas

Speaker 2 and then I'll stick like three

Speaker 2 spoonfuls of peanut butter. Okay.
And then I'll drench it with honey.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I'll make two gigantic pieces of toast and I'll take all that and chunk it, you know what I mean? Mm-hmm. And is that a salad? Yes.
Okay. That's a salad.
Yeah, yeah. By

Speaker 2 probably by.

Speaker 2 By proxy. By proxy, yeah.
It's near enough by salad. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Take that out of your nose. Will you do it tonight for real? Will you really try it tonight and sleep with that in the chin strap? Will you lick this? Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 To be honest, you what? Let me ask you this: all right, that's an old Korean custom, right?

Speaker 2 It really is.

Speaker 2 I trust nothing the Koreans have done. I understand that, but you know what it would mean a lot to me? It'll make me laugh.
You want me to make me laugh? Yeah. You want to make me laugh?

Speaker 2 You would make me cackle laughing. If I could make George lick that? No, if you licked the tips of these right now.
Like, stick this in your mouth. Yeah.
Right now. I just got over coronavirus.

Speaker 2 You want me to get a new virus?

Speaker 2 You have food twice in SARS, okay?

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 but I'm, you know what I mean? I'm on antibiotics, right? It would make me laugh. Are you on antibiotics right now? Why are you on antibiotics? I always take them.
It's like a vitamin for me.

Speaker 2 They're so bad for you. Oh, shit.
I'll stop. They deplete your immune system.
Oh, fuck. Bobby, don't take antibiotics.

Speaker 2 I don't take it. Could you lick this? No, you're not.
Yeah, lick this. I could see you just throwing down an

Speaker 2 eight tips.

Speaker 2 The fans will love it. It's entertainment.
The fans will love me licking your snot

Speaker 2 device. Yeah.
Why don't you make one of these guys do it? it? Yeah. Get in here, George.
You fuck. You lick it.

Speaker 2 George. He just laughed.
George.

Speaker 2 He literally goes, he just left. Nobody sounds like you, George.
It's you. He just left.
You know what, Andrew?

Speaker 2 You're a coward. Thanks.
Okay. Okay.
I'll lick that if on camera you lick my open butthole.

Speaker 2 On camera. I will on camera

Speaker 2 moon there and you lick my open tush and I'll lick that. Okay.

Speaker 2 Really? For the laugh? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I do anything for the fans. I know.
It's the sound. You squeeze that, right? I know.
I would do anything for the fans. I think it's hilarious, right? I'd have to put a mask on.
No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 No, I'll stick my tongue out, but I have to wear the mask out. No, it's gotta be tongue to, it's gotta be tongue-to-tush.

Speaker 2 Can I do something that's like equivalent to this, though? I just feel like you took it to a next level. Comedy.
Elevate always.

Speaker 2 No, but it's a contract. Right? Yeah, and my deal is better than yours.
No, no, no. The contract is this.
It should be equal.

Speaker 2 Equal contract.

Speaker 2 Why don't you do this, right? Why don't you stick a fucking tissue in your nose, right?

Speaker 2 Swirl it all around. I'll eat the tissue.
You lick the tip of this. So you guys are afraid to go out to eat at restaurants.
Yeah. But you want me to lick your nose, Contract.
Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 2 Let's be real. Let's be real.
George trying to get away from that. George, we should have made George do it.
No, no, no. What do we make him do? Let's do it.
Let's have him do it or he's fired.

Speaker 2 Do it or you're fired, George.

Speaker 2 George, get in here. I'm not being real now.
George? George, lick the tip of or you're fired. You're fired.

Speaker 2 Is that what you want? You want to be out on this? And also, I'll tell you this, George. You're going to get a lot of fans.
A lot of fans. You'll be punk rock.
Do you want to be punk rock or not?

Speaker 2 Think Steve-O. How cool is he?

Speaker 2 Think Steve-O. Correct.
Think Steve-O. All right.
All right, Bob. I'm fired.
You're fired. Yeah, what's up? Okay, so two weeks ago, people know we put up an ad about

Speaker 2 Riso-Soma audio victims of George's Laugh. Because George's Laugh is,

Speaker 2 quite frankly, a lot of fans have complained. Well, I've been, it's it's like, I'm immune to it.
It's like when you watch, like, you know, a scary movie.

Speaker 2 I've been watching the haunted house of Blythe House. What is that called? Bly Manor.
Hill House Blythe. On episode.
Bly Manor.

Speaker 2 She's just like, Blybe.

Speaker 2 Blythe Manor. Blythe Manor.
Bly Manor, whatever. Blythe Manor, yeah.

Speaker 2 And, you know, and there's a woman that just constantly, she has to cover the fucking, you know, mirrors because she sees a ghost all the time. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 2 But she's used to it. Yeah, she's used to it.
Yeah, I'm used to George's laugh. But if I heard it for the first time, I would probably need trauma therapy.
Right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like so like, you know, it's heavy. Invasive.
Does it do anything to you? I like his laugh. You do? Oh, my God.
She's crazy. She's a crazy human being.

Speaker 2 She's like an insane, a little insane person we have in the studio. Yeah, yeah.
Well, we had put up that.

Speaker 2 I like his laugh. I like his laugh.
I like the laugh. We put up that commercial for the victims to call the hotline.
It's a real number. Some people used it.

Speaker 2 We've got some

Speaker 2 concern. These are real fans who are actually very concerned with what George's laugh has done to them.
I'm going to play you guys a couple of clips, okay?

Speaker 2 Here we go.

Speaker 6 Let's hear this one.

Speaker 2 George has caused my family to leave me. His annoying laughter has ruined my life in every conceivable way.
It haunts my dreams, caused me to lose sleep at night. I lost my job.

Speaker 2 My wife left me and took our daughter and moved back home with her family. Fuck you, George.

Speaker 2 More, please, please, more. These are real.
These are from real people. Man, I can't get it out of my fucking head.

Speaker 2 Every time I try to go to sleep at night, I just hear that stupid son of a bitch's laughter. It's driving me insane, man.

Speaker 2 I punched my wife in the throat the other day because she laughed just almost identical to him.

Speaker 2 But then again, maybe I'm just hearing it. I don't know.
She was asleep, so I doubt it. That's great.
Fuck, man. I gotta make stuff, though.

Speaker 2 Hello, hello, uh,

Speaker 2 coming a little bobby. Uh,

Speaker 2 I can hear.

Speaker 2 I'm not gonna hear no more.

Speaker 2 Please, I can't hear little Bobby.

Speaker 2 Rudy, is that somebody that you know? That sounds like somebody you might know. Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, I don't know. You don't know who that is? No.

Speaker 2 That's your mother. That was your mom that called honey.
That's honey. Yep.

Speaker 2 George's annoying laughter, but I was listening to the podcast one day while driving, and it just popped up out of nowhere. Wait, mom, I'll change your diaper now.

Speaker 2 It just popped up out of nowhere, and it honestly scared me. I almost swerved right into a 14-wheeler next to me.

Speaker 2 He almost killed me. I should sue him.
You're going to get sued, George. You're going to get sued.
That message, though, was very good. Because he beat me, he did a bit.
He did a bit. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He's changing his mother's diaper. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was really fun. It was really nice.

Speaker 2 But when he says changing his mother's diaper, but he's yelling across the room, that must mean they're reusing diapers, he must be cleaning it out, right? He's in another room for sure, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, right.

Speaker 2 It was disturbing. Um, I mean, I got the joke, but he would just howl in the back and

Speaker 2 fuck me up, man. Like, I don't know, like, where the fuck is George, man?

Speaker 2 People are really disturbed. Honestly, George, this is bad.
George's laughter has completely destroyed my life.

Speaker 2 I can't go to sleep at night. I can hardly wake up in the morning.
Every time I hear laughter,

Speaker 2 I'm always worried that George might be somewhere near me, and it's the scariest thing ever. I truly think I'm suffering from emotional distress.
I need your help. I need your legal representation.

Speaker 2 So here's the deal. We have a law firm that people called, and you know, you and I are both, we both have, we passed the bar here in Southern California.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, I passed the bar in three states. You have three? I only have one.
Yeah, one in Nevada, one here, and one in Delaware. Why Delaware? It's the smallest state.
It's the easiest bar to get over.

Speaker 2 It's easy to get. It's low to the ground, isn't it? And not only that, it's just easier to get one there.
Yeah, they just want to hand it to you. Yeah, yeah.
You're a lawyer there in Delaware. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We got one more call from someone who's very concerned.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Is this real?

Speaker 2 I'm not going to lie. I love George's laughter hearing it in the background.
You guys give Pink Tick too much shit. Yes.
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Speaker 2 I'm tired of

Speaker 2 people thinking that we're being mean to people. Please, they know we're having fun.
We're having fun, and

Speaker 2 you know, I have to be honest with you, George is not a good guy.

Speaker 2 Tell me more. Well, George, and these are things, and I, you know, when I first met George,

Speaker 2 we had a meeting, and he says, you know, these are things that please don't, you know, tell people about it.

Speaker 2 About my life, about my history. And you did it right away.
No, I've never said it, and I'm saying it here for the first time. Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He likes, when he was a kid, right, he fondled squirrels.

Speaker 2 No, he really would fondle squirrels. Really? Yeah, yeah.
He would touch them. Well, he was from the forest.
I understand. Right, he's from the woods.
He was raised in the wild.

Speaker 2 Right, so he would capture, you know, I mean, but these aren't just adult squirrels. These were kid squirrels.
Oh, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 They didn't have no, they didn't, they didn't have that brown patch of hair down there. And their squirrel nuts haven't dropped yet.
Yeah, they're little drop, no squirrel nuts. Right.

Speaker 2 And he used to lick his finger like that, right?

Speaker 2 And like, rub, even the penises, rub it like this, right?

Speaker 2 And the squirrel was like,

Speaker 2 right? And he would rub it hard, right? And one time,

Speaker 2 two squirrel babies, right? He rubbed it so much, it started a little fire. Oh, no.
And they burst into flames, yeah. He lit squirrels on fire by rubbing their genitals?

Speaker 2 Yeah. He rubbed like this, so hard.
Circular, yeah. So that's number one.
And so that's, you know, not illegal. You still wanted to work with the guy, huh? Yeah, he's very good with numbers.
He is.

Speaker 2 And he's very proactive. Yes.
Right. So, and the second thing he did was

Speaker 2 he didn't, there was an old lady in the forest that lived, right?

Speaker 2 And she had 52 bags

Speaker 2 of safe

Speaker 2 bags full of groceries. One, one for each week.
She liked to hoard, she likes, no, she likes to hoard, right, and get all her shopping done

Speaker 2 for the year. Right, I'm saying she has one bag for a week.
Exactly. Yeah, right.
Yeah. So she's like, George, will you please help me? And he goes, fuck you, bitch.
Or something like that. George.

Speaker 2 Yeah, fuck you. Right.

Speaker 2 And so she was carrying a Mac truck.

Speaker 2 She died. She got hit by a Mac truck? And then George's laugh at the cross the street.
George, did you laugh when an old lady died? 17 years old, 17 years old. Ew, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 What are other secrets? Here's another secret. He was taking a shit, right, in the forest, right?

Speaker 2 And he didn't have any toilet papers, so he wiped his ass with the Bible.

Speaker 2 Whoa. Yeah.
Corinthians. Corinthians.
Dude, Corinthians? Corinthians. New Testament? Yeah, New Testament.
New Testament? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right.

Speaker 2 You've heard things, correct? I've heard so much bad stuff about George.

Speaker 2 In fact, here's what happened. When we talked about doing this show,

Speaker 2 we met at a restaurant on Ventura

Speaker 2 in the neighborhood. And I said to him, hey, I'm going to be running a little bit late because I have to go right next door and grab something from CBS.
He says, I'll just get us a table.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's how he sounds.

Speaker 2 And he got us a table. Yeah.
Right? And I walk in on time, actually. So he thinks I'm going to be two minutes late.
I'm actually on time because it worked out better.

Speaker 2 I see the way he's talking to the waitress. I'm not kidding.
I'm not making this up. She's a little plump.
She's a little thick.

Speaker 2 She's probably five, two,

Speaker 2 you know, three thirty. Rotund.
She's rotund. Right, right.
She looked like Violet Beauregard when she blows up in William Wonka.

Speaker 2 Anyway, George looks her in the face. I'm not joking.
He goes, I said club soda, fat ass. And she starts crying.
And he goes, yeah, keep crying. Maybe you'll lose some weight.
Maybe you'll.

Speaker 2 I swear to God. He goes, Maybe you're carrying around water weight.
Right. And so then I enter and I said, George, what was that all about? And he stumbled.
Mrs. Oh,

Speaker 2 oh, I left something in my car. He got in his car.
He left. So that's how he treats people when we're not looking.
Can I tell you another thing he does? Please.

Speaker 2 Just because you take a letter out of a like racial, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Slur

Speaker 2 doesn't make it right. Of course not.
Like we were driving, right?

Speaker 2 We back.

Speaker 2 You can't say we back. You say we back.
That's it. He said, yeah.

Speaker 2 See, he's laughing. He loves it.
He loves it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 When I met George outside of your old place for the first time when I first did Tiger Belly,

Speaker 2 you were like, oh, George will come down and open up the gate. And George comes downstairs, and I'm not kidding.
He's got his penis out. George had his penis out.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he's pushing in the code for the gate with his penis.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's going like this to me, smiling with his hands.
I know.

Speaker 2 I know, I know, I know. And I thought for a second, okay, comedy world, he gets comedy.
This isn't this, okay. But then, this is insane.
I look across the street.

Speaker 2 What's across the street from your old place? An elementary school. Wow.

Speaker 2 And he wasn't waving at me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's waving at the kids.

Speaker 2 Poop, showing him the code. Well, you know, I went to repulsive.
We went to a pottery class. Uh-huh.
George and I went to a pottery class. Right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And there's children, old ladies, you know what I mean? A couple of black people

Speaker 2 as well, right? Right, yeah. yeah, all kinds of people.
Everybody likes pottery, right? Right.

Speaker 2 And you're painting, and he did the same. You know, there's two, a brush, you know, because we molded.
Oh, you did it on the wheel? We molded on the wheel.

Speaker 2 We did it like the movie Ghost, right? So he went right behind me, right?

Speaker 2 And we're just doing it, right? And then all of a sudden, I'm like,

Speaker 2 is your dick in my asshole? Was it? Yes. Ew.
His dick was in my asshole. No approval by the way.
No approval, right? George.

Speaker 2 And then after the fucking pottery thing got dry, put in the oven and whatnot, right? He painted it with his dick. Oh my god.
Right, so it was just like these like little

Speaker 2 dots from his hole, like a little, you know. From a slip.
Yeah, from the slit. Yeah.
I got to tell you, I don't approve. Rude, do you like George at all?

Speaker 2 Now that you know the secrets that we're not supposed to tell,

Speaker 2 how do you feel? Yeah, he's scary. See? He is very scary.
Very scary. And he's not a man that you want around you, correct? I'm going to tell you right now, Jules, when he calls you ook,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 Jules, and you're like, what does that mean?

Speaker 2 I'm afraid to tell you what it is.

Speaker 2 But he always goes, hey, you ook, right? And I'm like, you know. He thinks it's cute.
He goes, hi, ookie. He says, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
He thinks it's like a fun term of endearment.

Speaker 2 It's like, I was afraid to tell you what it meant. And so I'm just letting you know, add whatever letter you want in front of ook.

Speaker 2 I bet you could figure it out. Yeah.
You could fill it. It's not a vowel.
How about that? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyway, so George is a bad guy.

Speaker 2 He's really good with numbers and he's

Speaker 2 very hardworking. He's a politician.
Yeah, he's very good. Speaking of which,

Speaker 2 it's election time and

Speaker 2 I'll tell you what I'm looking forward to right now. Kanye.
Kanye 2020. Yeah.
Yep. We want him to win president, of course.
You did. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Here's the deal. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We

Speaker 2 have a thing that we're about, I'm filling you in as we go. We're going to do best, since we can't have a president of the podcast, right?

Speaker 2 People say, why don't you guys do a presidential race of the podcast? I said, no one can be the president of the podcast because there's three parties, right?

Speaker 2 You can't, and there has to be only two parties.

Speaker 2 But she's kind of like the green party. She's the green.
Right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. And what are you? Democrat.
And what am I? Republican. You bet your ass.
Yeah. No, but the truth is, we have to run against each other.
And I think we've decided to make...

Speaker 2 You and I are going to run. Andres has compiled some questions for us.
Okay. And Ruby.
So there's a debate.

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck. Because of that.

Speaker 2 I didn't prepare.

Speaker 2 Neither did I. But we're running for best.

Speaker 2 You have debate people that you practice with. We're running for best Tito, okay? Best Tito, and she's going to choose who's best Tito.
Do you understand?

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 5 Good evening from the Bad Friends Studio in Los Angeles, California.

Speaker 5 I'm Fancy B, your moderator, and I'm welcoming to the first and only Bad Friends Best American Tito debate of 2020 between Tito Bobby and Tito Andrew.

Speaker 5 The Commission of Very Important Debates have decided the format, four sections of approximately four minutes each, with one minute of interrupted opening statements from each candidate.

Speaker 5 For the record, the candidates have not agreed to respect any rules. I have decided the topics and the questions.

Speaker 5 and I can assure you none of the questions have been shared with any of the candidates.

Speaker 5 As a a precaution, the candidates have agreed not to shake hands at the beginning of the debate.

Speaker 5 George has promised not to laugh. No noise, except for now when we welcome Tito Bobby and Tito Andrew.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you so much. Thank you, thank you.
Third to be here. Thank you.

Speaker 5 So, gentlemen, a lot of people have been waiting for this moment, so let's start.

Speaker 5 Our first topic is house rules. Tito Bobby, you have said you leave dirty plates everywhere, you have a drawer full of ants, and you leave boogers in your guest bedroom.

Speaker 5 Tito Andrew, you have called your opponent disgusting and accused him of unsanitary practices.

Speaker 5 You prefer to have plastified, unused furniture and spotless rooms. Why are you right and your opponent, Ron? We start with you, Tito Bobby.

Speaker 2 I am right because,

Speaker 2 as we know,

Speaker 2 life is hard. For some of us, yes.
For most.

Speaker 2 For you, for sure. Well, for us that struggle, right, and know what humanity is about and know what hardship is.
You're risking. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 He's been taking money from the Chinese for years.

Speaker 2 He's been taking money from the Chinese. Excuse me.
Excuse me. Explain the email.
Excuse me. Explain the email.
Excuse me.

Speaker 2 There's a little email that we have on file that says that says you're taking Chinese money.

Speaker 2 There's no red or blue. Oh, there's red and yellow.
There's Americans. No.
We're Americans. Are you? Where were you born?

Speaker 2 I was born in San Diego, California. Show me your passport.
I hear my passport. Show me.

Speaker 2 I don't need a passport because I have a birth certificate. Oh, show me that, too.

Speaker 2 Show me your birth certificate.

Speaker 2 Folks, fake news. How am I fake news? Okay, you're the one who

Speaker 2 keeps unkept records of yourself.

Speaker 2 You were late to this debate. You were late.
What kind of person wants a Tito unless she's late to the debate? Can we ask the question that had to be dead?

Speaker 2 Why don't we leave the questions up to the moderator? I'll finish my point. Okay, go ahead.
Thank you. Yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 2 Will you shut up, man? Life is hard.

Speaker 2 Honestly, can I finish without him interrupting? That's 30 seconds. How was that?

Speaker 2 30 seconds? When you fucking interrupted me. Here we go.
All right. So let me just finish.

Speaker 2 All right, sir. Thank you.
Life is hard, okay? And I know that when Jules leaves our house, right, she is going to be confronted with all kinds of elements, right?

Speaker 2 And I want to be able to toughen her skin, right? I want her to succeed, and I want her to know what tough love is, etc., etc. So what I do is I put things around the house purposely.
Bodily fluids.

Speaker 2 Yeah. He puts bodily fluids around the home.
I'm going to tell you this right now. You want a Tito who does stuff like that? Yeah, can I say something right now? When she goes out in the world, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah. And some homeless person spits in her face, she'll know what to do.
She'll have the immune system to fight it off. Homeless people, by the way,

Speaker 2 under my regime as Tito, everyone's homeless. Everyone's homeless.
Yeah, I know. Everyone's homeless.
Everyone's homeless.

Speaker 2 That's right. So I am preparing her for a hard life, a difficult life.

Speaker 2 And she one day will be grateful. for my fucking tutelage.

Speaker 2 Okay, can I have the floor, please?

Speaker 2 Thank you. Obviously, this guy.

Speaker 5 Well, Andrew, you have been going over the limit.

Speaker 2 Great.

Speaker 5 So, I think we have a lot of questions.

Speaker 2 We have to thank you.

Speaker 2 And you know what? This is this is CNN propaganda.

Speaker 2 That's what this is. This is MSNBC.
And I know, and I know. And let me tell you something.

Speaker 2 Why don't you talk?

Speaker 2 What? They muted my mic.

Speaker 2 They should mute mics. Why don't you talk about your son? Why don't you talk about your son who was on heroin? My son, Alfredo, right? He was on

Speaker 2 the business. He got human.
Human trafficking business was never on heroin. He owned a pizza parlor and the Clintons were running kids out of the parlor.
What's the excuse there? We made pizzas.

Speaker 2 My son made pizzas. He made salad pizza.
He had a human trafficking business. You made salad pizzas.
He did not shoot heroin. He did not shoot heroin.
Next question. Okay.

Speaker 5 Our next look is dedicated to holidays.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Matt's Bertis, by the way.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Well, you're welcome.

Speaker 5 You have handled Halloween by turning the lights off your house and hiding from kids.

Speaker 5 Tito Andrew, on the other hand, have been given 50 bags of candy. 50.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 5 the question that nephews and nieces across America want to know, how are you going to deal with Christmas?

Speaker 2 Well, here's what

Speaker 5 we start with Tito Andrew.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Well, I, as a Christian, God-fearing adult male who loves baby Jesus, both black baby Jesus and white baby Jesus, I handle Christmas with care, with precision, with expertise, and with love.

Speaker 2 I decorate my home.

Speaker 2 I give away gifts to the homeless, increments of 1,000. I give away 10, $100 bills to people at random on the street.
I'm very giving. I'm very loving.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I believe that during the holidays, we need to be praising the good Lord, preaching the good word, and making sure that we instill these beliefs into the youth for the rest of time.

Speaker 2 And and I am someone. I'm a Tito who gives gifts, as people know of this show.
Have I given you gifts? Yeah, I have. Okay.
Have I given you gifts? I'm not done. Have I given you gifts?

Speaker 2 No, you have not. I just gave you two today.

Speaker 2 This is not a gift. Sure.
And this is how we feel. This is not a gift.
And this is how a privileged person feels. This is insulting.
This is how a privileged person feels about everything.

Speaker 2 They don't want anything you give to them. It isn't enough because it didn't cost enough.
He didn't like his cake I gave him for his birthday because it was from Vons. Right.

Speaker 2 It's like if I give you an eyebrow trimmer, that is not a gift. That is something to help you.
I would love it if you gave me one.

Speaker 2 May I have the floor? Why not die?

Speaker 2 May I have the floor? Rebuttal.

Speaker 5 Tito, Andrew.

Speaker 2 I mean, shut up.

Speaker 5 Tito, Bobby. Give your time.

Speaker 2 It is true. I will deport you.
This guy is getting deported after this. It is true that I do not give children candy on Halloween.
Yeah. That is a fact.

Speaker 2 But what you do not realize is that I give the kids candy every other day

Speaker 2 after that. Prove it.
I do. I go around, ask, I go around right after Halloween.
I'll go up to any random child, give them candy, and they go, why?

Speaker 2 Because I will give you candy, not Halloween, but every single other day. And they go, thank you.
There's no proof of this. This is a lie.
It is not a lie. No one's ever seen it.

Speaker 2 I do do it. All right.
And here's the thing. What? You've given fucking Juliana gifts? You've given her the gift of life.
You didn't give, you're not her father. I know, but I give her food.

Speaker 2 And shelter, and blankies? As we know. Do you not have a blankie? Do you have a blankie? I have.
Right. As we know.

Speaker 2 Do you have a tempor-pedic bed? Yes. Thank you.

Speaker 2 As we know, Tito Bobby only gives gifts to Rudy Jules to hold them over her head when he wants something in return. He has tried to blackmail her, as you've seen on the show.

Speaker 2 Have you seen on the show, he blackmailed her with Starbucks? He told you. What can she do for me? What

Speaker 2 can she do for me? Enrich, enlighten. She is the youth.
That's the future. I have not learned anything except for certain anime shows from her, what the sharpest knives are.
Yep. Right?

Speaker 2 That's pretty much it. She's given you more than you could ever give to anybody because you're a selfish person and she is not.
Next question.

Speaker 2 Next selfish question.

Speaker 2 Mike's got cut. Good.
Next question.

Speaker 2 Okay, so.

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Speaker 2 Candles lit, music on, hot tub warm and ready.

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Speaker 6 Again, in the middle of my spa day, what a wet blanket. Looks like another spell of itchy red skin.
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Speaker 2 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 5 On the topic of being being a good uncle,

Speaker 5 on your last episode, Tito Bobby, you have described Rudy as an ungrateful, mongol-feed oak.

Speaker 5 Tito Andrew, you have mocked Rudy's accent constantly.

Speaker 5 So, why would any of you be a good uncle for America, Tito Bobby?

Speaker 2 Like I said, okay, the reason why I put the boogers on her wall and I insult her, right, is because I'm trying to strengthen her because she doesn't, she is not from this country, right?

Speaker 2 She is not. She is from the islands of the Philippines.
It's taking money from China and people from the Philippines. Just know that that's his agenda.
She is in a new land, right?

Speaker 2 And I am just trying to

Speaker 2 help her grow.

Speaker 2 She's grown. She's a human being.
She's an adult, grown human being. She can survive in this crazy world.
She knows how. Right? She doesn't need, and she doesn't need your disgustingness.

Speaker 2 And let me tell you something. And when you call her ook.
I never said that.

Speaker 2 Fake news.

Speaker 2 Ook. Fake news.
You're a white person. Fake, fake news.
For you to do that. For you to do that, not blood-related.
Fake. I'm blood-related.
No, you're not. Yes.
No, you're not. Yes, she is.

Speaker 2 No, you're not. She's my sister's fucking daughter.
No. I have a sister name, honey.
My daughter. That's not your sister.

Speaker 2 You're not Filipino. I am Filipino.
No, you're Korean. 25%

Speaker 2 Filipino. You're 112% Korean.
And the extra 12, we can tell. We all know where that 12% is.
But you are obviously white, sir. I'm obviously not white.

Speaker 2 You can call a young Filipino lady a island panface ook. No, I never said that.
That's crazy. You were the one that says Mongol feet.
You were were the one that says racial epithets. I simply can't.

Speaker 2 Have you ever seen her climb a tree? No. She can.

Speaker 2 And quickly.

Speaker 2 The I only tease her accent because it's sweet and loving. I've never insulted her.
I've never called her names like you have. You call her degenerate brat.
You've called her the C-word off-air.

Speaker 2 I've seen it. Yeah.
Yeah. Catherine.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I've called her Catherine.
But Catherine in Filipino means something else, pal. Beautiful.
No, it means the C word. It means cunt.
Yes. Yes.
He does this, and this is.

Speaker 2 Okay, we, we, yes, thank you.

Speaker 5 Guys, thank you. Let's try to keep it civil.

Speaker 2 We're trying.

Speaker 5 Okay, we have our next topic is quality time.

Speaker 2 Oh, Tito Bobby. My expertise.

Speaker 5 You have complained about waking up to go to see a satellite launching or to go fishing.

Speaker 5 You decided to stay in the pool while your family went hiking in the Philippines and stay in your hotel during your recent trip to Joshua Tree.

Speaker 5 What would you say to those who call you lazy and that you want to spend time?

Speaker 2 It's really about point of view and perception.

Speaker 2 And let me ask you something, all right? When you hike, when one hikes anywhere in the world, right,

Speaker 2 you don't want to,

Speaker 2 you don't want it to take a week. You want it to take a couple of hours, right?

Speaker 2 If I went on the hike, it would take weeks for you to get through the hike because I'm so slow like a sloth right so i'm being mindful about their time right i want to go to the hikes i look them in the eyes but you don't may i go but you don't go and they say tito babby she says tito babby right

Speaker 2 you know i have school next week right i have a life to live you mean i want to be able to get through this hike today

Speaker 2 right

Speaker 2 so you can watch you know what i mean your movies in the hotel room right and you can go to the buffet in the morning right the high-class one, right? And have your pastries, right?

Speaker 2 Well, I partake, but thank you so much for volunteering. And this is

Speaker 2 what somebody says when they don't have the best Tito. Someone like me, best Tito.
You've never taken her anywhere.

Speaker 2 You've never taken her.

Speaker 2 You know why? You know why? You know why? I've taken her to San Francisco, Canada. I can't take her anywhere.
Canada, New York, Hawaii. I can't take her anywhere because...
Because you're.

Speaker 2 Because I'm a white male. No.
And if I'm seen around town with her in a van, they're going to think that's a kidnapped kid. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why do you have a white van? Why do you have a white van? Why is it white?

Speaker 2 So everyone can see where I'm going. All right.
I'm a great Tito, and I would love to take Rudy out to lunch or somewhere nice. I would always be on time.

Speaker 2 I would take her for a hike, and I would get the hike done on time. A good Tito.
You've never done it, sir. Because it's ill.
You're all talk. Because it's illegal.

Speaker 2 Because it's illegal.

Speaker 2 Because it's illegal. You keep her caged up in your house.
I'm the one that have proof. Do you have a France? Do you live in a cage?

Speaker 2 Kinda. Kind Kind of.
You live in a f cage? She lives in a cage.

Speaker 2 You heard it, America. You live in a cage.
The least harder cage. Be honest.
You live in a cage. Yep.
Kinda. Oh, all right.
I love it. Next question.

Speaker 2 Okay, but Tito Andrew, and on this topic of quality time,

Speaker 2 I just know.

Speaker 2 Mute him.

Speaker 5 Yep.

Speaker 5 Tito Andrew, it looks like you have some rage issues. It's not unusual to see your face go red.
I mean redder than usual.

Speaker 5 Your eyebrows like palpitate and and you yell a lot you know like

Speaker 5 so why would anyone want to spend some quality time with you

Speaker 2 here's why the only time that i get upset and i get more red than i am is simply when somebody disrespects my time and or space tito bobby the worst tito in the room never respects my time or my space.

Speaker 2 Doesn't care about what I've got scheduled or what I've got going on. And that's the only reason that I have anger issues, which by the way, I'm in therapy.
I've been in therapy for for a long time.

Speaker 2 I'm working through it.

Speaker 2 I have multiple therapy therapists, by the way. Okay.
I am in therapy. It's working.
I'm struggling through it. It's not easy.
But I'll say this. Have I ever yelled at you directly?

Speaker 2 Have I ever screamed at you? I have not. I yell at someone that disrespects me and my time, and I am, therefore, the best teacher.

Speaker 2 Tito Andrew screamed, though. Yeah.

Speaker 2 At whom? At whom? Tito Bobby. That's right.
Do you get affected by it?

Speaker 4 It's scary sometimes.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much.

Speaker 2 But it's called residual. No.
It's residual for me.

Speaker 2 It's scary because you think I might actually hurt Tito Bobby, but he deserves it. It's funny.
It's funny, my friend. It's funny, my friend.
Oh, don't talk to me like that. I'm not your friend.

Speaker 2 I've had so many people call me and go, how do you work with that guy? Oh, is that what they say? Right. You know what they say to me?

Speaker 2 How do you work with that guy?

Speaker 2 How do you work with that guy? He's unreliable. He's full of rage.
He's unreliable. He's full of full anger and hostility.
And he's dirty.

Speaker 2 And I say, I can see through that thick, fucking, disgusting crust and see

Speaker 2 a kind of a human. And yours is so thick I can't see through it.
That's who you really are. And you always result to meanness.
Ladies and gentlemen, I am, of course, the best Tito.

Speaker 2 I am the best Tito because I'm the one that have had the actual experience of the facts. He's never lived in our house.
He's never been a Tito. I am a Tito.
I'm the one that I'm a Titan.

Speaker 2 I have two Nises. I've never actually done it.
I have two Nises, and I'm a great Tito. I'm the one that I'm the one that's taking her to San Francisco.
I'm the one that takes a cabanara sauce.

Speaker 2 Oh, San Francisco, the most dangerous city in the United States.

Speaker 2 Melrose, that restaurant that you really liked? I got you cabanaro that night. Cut his mic.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 5 Final question. The most important of all.

Speaker 2 You live in a cage, huh?

Speaker 2 Interesting. A lot can be learned

Speaker 2 from how others judge you.

Speaker 5 So, can you please take your phones out and open your Uber app? Please tell America what your rating is.

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay.
What's your, what's your what's go ahead, Tito Bob? What's your rating on Uber?

Speaker 2 On Uber?

Speaker 2 What is it?

Speaker 2 488.

Speaker 2 488. Yeah.

Speaker 2 My Uber rating

Speaker 2 is

Speaker 2 four eight nine.

Speaker 2 I swear it's four eight nine.

Speaker 2 That's fine.

Speaker 2 There you have it. There I have it.
Okay.

Speaker 5 Now we have Rudy here to decide

Speaker 5 who is the best Tito.

Speaker 2 Put your phone down.

Speaker 2 I think. Oh, sorry.
Hold up. Sorry.
I don't want to interrupt.

Speaker 3 This is real interesting.

Speaker 4 I think both of you just kept screaming

Speaker 4 at each other.

Speaker 9 There weren't a lot of points taken.

Speaker 2 you have to choose one, but I think

Speaker 2 you have to choose one. No, I can't.
You have to choose one.

Speaker 2 How are those sandals that you're wearing?

Speaker 2 The new ones, they're comfortable, right?

Speaker 2 You have to choose one, or that knife. Remember that cool knife I got you?

Speaker 2 Or that framed art behind you? You have to choose one. This is hard.
It doesn't matter. You have to choose one right now.

Speaker 5 The choice is clear.

Speaker 5 Do you want to sleep in your bed tonight?

Speaker 2 Be honest. Just answer.
There's no consequences. Okay.

Speaker 9 I think Tito Andrew is really nice and I'm very grateful to Tito.

Speaker 2 I know where this is going.

Speaker 4 But I think Tito Bobby wins.

Speaker 2 Take off the shoes.

Speaker 2 Take off the shoes!

Speaker 2 Best Tito.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 5 as you see,

Speaker 2 I'm not far off, because I'm the best other Tito.

Speaker 2 I got a little hostile. Cheers.
Cheers, my friend. Cheers to the best Tito.

Speaker 2 I would love one. Okay.
But you know what? I want to do transportation.

Speaker 2 How about removal of people? Yeah, yeah. Removal of people is fine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got to get rid of some people.
That's true. That is true.

Speaker 2 That is true. Hey, I appreciate the honesty.
You did a great job.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you why mine's a 48. I know why.
Mine is. The first time I ever did Uber, I didn't know how it worked, right? And I didn't tip the person through my app.

Speaker 2 They don't, but that's not why they rated you low. Yeah.
Really? Yeah. I got rated low because I was low.
But I was low, all the first one, like a zero or something. And I'm like, what?

Speaker 2 I gave a friend, you know how I called an Uber for a friend? Yeah. And he threw up in their car, okay? And Uber charges you a puke fee, right? Yeah.
So the next day, he by the way. Who's the friend?

Speaker 2 it's a guy from back home.

Speaker 2 He doesn't tell me.

Speaker 2 I don't, he doesn't tell me that he threw up. I think he took the Uber home and he was fine, right? I called him the Uber because we were still staying out.

Speaker 2 Well, I get a charge of $100 and it says damage to vehicle. So I contacted Uber.
I said, damage to vehicle. Because I had taken an Uber later and I was like, how? I took one to the airport.

Speaker 2 What did I do to the car? This is a lot. That guy's a liar.

Speaker 2 And he goes, yeah, well, there's throw-up in the car and it's a cleanup fee. It's a mandatory fee that we charge you automatically.
And I said, I never threw up in the car. Finally, it clicks.

Speaker 2 I call my buddy. I'm like, do you throw up in the car? He's like, yeah, dude, I'll Venmo you.
And I was like, why wouldn't you tell me? And he was like, I just figured out.

Speaker 2 Is that a game changer for you with that friendship? We're not friends anymore. No, be real.
We're not friends anymore. Because of that event.
Yeah. Yeah.
You threw up and you didn't tell me?

Speaker 2 That's so lame. Why wouldn't you just be like, my bad? I need forgiveness.
No, not today.

Speaker 2 It ruined my rating. I had such a...
You got to be real. See, no, be real.
I was in the four nines. No,

Speaker 2 you'd be real. I swear to God, in my life.

Speaker 2 It's a real story. You're literally not friends with me.
We don't talk. Right.

Speaker 2 Don't throw up and not tell me that's so fucked up. Because what if I was, why? That's not, it's not money.
It's just like, that's not cool. So then I got a bad rating.

Speaker 2 I contacted the driver personally through Uber in the email, and I was like, hey, man, that was my friend. This isn't me.
So please, can you change my rating?

Speaker 2 He's like, no, you can't change the rating.

Speaker 2 Once I already gave you a star, it doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 And then he wrote an email, don't let your friends use your Uber. That's what he said.

Speaker 2 I was being nice, and I gave someone a ride because they were like, oh, oh, I don't have Uber on my phone. So I gave him a lit of a...

Speaker 2 When a friend does something, right, that's a little weird to me, like really weird. Like that? No, like, it completely ruins the friendship.
Like, I went out to eat with a friend of mine,

Speaker 2 and I said, it's my treat, right? Yeah. Is it cool? And then he ate half a salad.
What? Yeah, he ate half of a salad, and he tells the waiter, he goes, don't charge me for that. It was terrible.

Speaker 2 No. Yeah.
You ate it. You pay.
Yeah, but I looked at him and I went, dude, don't worry about it. I'm paying for it.
He's like, no, no, no, dude. Don't you can't you can't you can't pay for that?

Speaker 2 That's it. It made a stink of it, and I just thought to myself, oh, we're done.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 that's a cheap guy. I can't do it.
How much was the salad? 10 bucks? What could have been? What a case? Yeah, it was just the act of it. That's what I'm saying.
Like, how cheap? I don't like it.

Speaker 2 Have you lost friends like that from a bunch from others, a lot of other stuff? Mm-hmm. What else?

Speaker 2 I'm trying to become friends with this guy again.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Because I feel guilty about it. But he does one thing that really bothers me.
What is it?

Speaker 2 Because we were kids, we grew up together.

Speaker 2 So he does this thing where he touches me and run away.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Like a child playing tag? Yeah. And then I have to touch him and I run away.
Right? Well, you participate. I know, but it doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 It's like, if I if I don't touch, like, if he touches me, right? And he runs away and I don't chase after him, he will touch me again.

Speaker 2 Until you chase him. Until I chase him.
So then eventually it'll get to a point where, oh fuck, you know, it's always after dinner. When does it end? It just goes back and forth.

Speaker 2 And then in my mind, I gotta win. Right? So him and I just running around in a fucking parking lot.
I'm in my 40s, running around in a parking, like he's hiding behind a fucking dumpster.

Speaker 2 He climbs a fucking fence. I tag his shoe.
Then I run the other way and he chases me. It's a fucking nightmare.
This sounds like you're just upset because you don't win. No.

Speaker 2 It's like, I don't want to do this game anymore. But you do because you participate.
So because he touches me first. So you do want to play the game.
I don't want to play it. I just don't.

Speaker 2 I need the last touch. So don't touch me at all.
So you do play the game. If he starts it, he starts it every fucking time.

Speaker 2 He starts the game every fucking time. But

Speaker 2 you just don't want to lose. That's what it is.
Once he touches me, the game is on.

Speaker 2 Right? But if he didn't touch me, it's shaking hands on one thing, but that's not how he goes. He'll go...

Speaker 2 And he'll run. He'll hit you a little bit.
Yeah, like that, right? Like, it's starting. We're starting now, right? How old is he? And I want to go, I'm on TV.
I don't do that anymore. Yeah, you do.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I still do. How old is he? Same age? Yeah.
I grew up together. Two guys almost 50.
Yeah, yeah, 50 playing tag. Can I tell you something? Yeah.
Something sweet about that.

Speaker 2 It's something gay about it, too. Why? Do you guys kiss at the end?

Speaker 2 Is that how you know who wins?

Speaker 2 No, but do you understand how that would bother one? I guess, but like I have friends from that I grew up with that. You have that old game that you play.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
I still, I have a photo I can show you that when we were in the game.

Speaker 2 I hang out with old friends and then they say something like, you know, remember Martin Coyd?

Speaker 2 And you're like, what? And when you were 12, you know what I mean? You know what I mean? Like somebody threw a rock on your shoulder and you cried. Yeah.
But it's like an experience. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like, yeah, I remember Martin Coyt quick as a fuck. And they're like, wasn't that crazy? Yeah, it was crazy.
It's like, yeah, 30 years ago.

Speaker 2 I don't give a fuck. I have a friend that I always hit in the nuts.
We always hit each other in the nuts. Yeah, don't you? You hate it, right? I do, but I choke him.
I always choke him.

Speaker 2 I really love it. I get behind him.
I like to choke him from behind. Yeah, yeah.
Like if he's at a, if we're like walking to another another bar or restaurant, I'll always sneak up behind him and

Speaker 2 I'll put him in a choke. Do you like all that old shit, though, or no? It feels good when I can choke him.
Because you can't do that to other adults now.

Speaker 2 And that's only with friends that you grew up with. You can't do that to new friends.
And I'll tell you another thing that kind of bothered me, but I'm going to do it.

Speaker 2 Remember that band that kicked me out? Yeah. They're going back together.
Laxton? Yeah. Laxton Supreme is making a fucking comeback? Yeah.
Why don't we make a band and compete with you?

Speaker 2 No, they invited me back. Can I go? But I'm thinking, are you using my

Speaker 2 notoriety to?

Speaker 2 No, they would never.

Speaker 2 Maybe not, huh? I do it. No, of course I'm using your notoriety, you bozo head.
I'll do it, huh? No.

Speaker 2 Are they cool still? Yeah. Do you talk to any of them? Yeah.
Have you been keeping up with all of them? No. No.

Speaker 2 But they text me. Why don't we form a band? Why don't you and I form a band? What kind of music, though? The Bad Friends Band.
Rudy, can you play anything? No. She can sing.
I've seen you sing.

Speaker 2 Will you sing a little something for us? I can't. I can't.
I can't.

Speaker 2 I hear it.

Speaker 2 Can I say something? Here's the deal. You either sing or you're off the show forever.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 All right, so

Speaker 2 she had to audition for some sort of school. Look at her.
School play? School play.

Speaker 2 All right. So.
Oh, rude.

Speaker 2 What was the play?

Speaker 2 Something rotten. Right, yeah.
Oh. So the whole family, it was like Christmas or something.
The whole family was in the house. We're talking about, why are you laughing? Because it's embarrassing.

Speaker 2 It's not embarrassing. It's about 20 people, right? Okay.
And somebody mentions, Jules, you have that audition coming up. She's like, you know what? What? No? What? And we're like, yeah, do it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Sing the song. And then we all kind of gather together on the couch.
So mean. I know.
And she walks in front of everybody.

Speaker 2 She starts singing. And then halfway during it, just

Speaker 2 her eyes bulge out.

Speaker 2 She's committing to the song. Tears coming down her eyes, shaking.

Speaker 2 Why are you crying, Jules?

Speaker 4 I don't know. I just cried.

Speaker 2 Wait, were you emotionally hurt or upset?

Speaker 9 No, I don't.

Speaker 2 Are you upset now? No.

Speaker 2 What's the song? What is it?

Speaker 9 Lumineers by...

Speaker 2 No. The band is the Lumineers.
Yeah, yeah, Lumineers. Yeah.
You sing it now? Yeah, will you sing it now?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you sing it now. You sing it.

Speaker 2 What's the song? What's the name of the song? Before and after. We'll always sing it together.
Yeah, we will.

Speaker 2 What's it called?

Speaker 2 Ophelia's the one that goes, uh-uh. Girlfriend.

Speaker 9 Dead Sea.

Speaker 2 Dead Sea. Okay.
Well,

Speaker 2 you have to sing the. Okay,

Speaker 2 we'll play the.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You do first, I do second.
She does third verse. You ready? Yeah, yeah.
Start from the top. Ready?

Speaker 2 I headed west. I was a man on the move.

Speaker 2 You're next. I thought you were reading the whole thing.
You're doing the whole fucking thing.

Speaker 2 Oh, wait. So it goes, I headed west.
I was a man on the move. New York had lied to me.
I needed to. No, sing it.
Just sing it. You know, oh, I needed someone, needed someone I could trust.

Speaker 2 Is that the same thing? Yes. I don't gamble, but I do bet on us.
I'm like, okay. You're perfect.
I headed west. I was the man on the move.

Speaker 2 New York had lied to me. I needed the truth.

Speaker 2 Oh, I needed something, someone I could trust. I don't gamble, but if I did, I would bet on us.

Speaker 2 Like the Dead Sea told me I was dead, like the Dead Sea.

Speaker 2 You'll never sink when you are with me.

Speaker 2 Oh Lord,

Speaker 2 oh Lord,

Speaker 2 like the Dead Sea. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 9 I'm like the Dead Sea.

Speaker 9 The finest words you ever said to me.

Speaker 9 Honey, can't you see?

Speaker 9 I was born to be

Speaker 2 your dad. See?

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 We're making a band.

Speaker 2 We're making a band. That's not hard.
That was so good. You about to cry again?

Speaker 9 No, but my throat is very tight.

Speaker 2 That's our band name. My throat is very tight.
Yeah, yeah. Rudy, you're really good.
Yeah, you want to do the whole thing? No, please.

Speaker 2 It was so good.

Speaker 2 You told me you were good at running away.

Speaker 2 Domestic life, it never sued you. So, did you like a suitcase?

Speaker 2 I don't know the tone. You left with just the clothes on your back.

Speaker 2 You looked the best when you took the map.

Speaker 2 Yes, there are times we live for somebody else.

Speaker 2 Your father died and you decided. I think she's out.
I think she's out. Okay.
I think she's out. Oh, then you're out of the band.

Speaker 2 Because we're trying our best here to make a band. But here's the thing, rude, Jew, Julie, is that, you know, you sang it in front of the house in front of

Speaker 2 10 people. You just sang it in front of

Speaker 2 just now. Well, how many people are listening? Hundreds of thousands.
Hundreds of thousands of people. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Now, can you do it in Christmas, do you think? This Christmas? Do it. Yeah, I think so.
You can?

Speaker 2 When she did, it was so heartbreaking. It was pretty.
When she cried. Oh, when she, oh, I was going to say, the song wasn't.
She had to be whisked away. You know how they do that? Yeah, they.

Speaker 2 You come here, sweetie, and the girls whisk them away into her room. Yeah.
And I'm like smoking, giggling.

Speaker 2 She went out. Yeah, yeah.
Like, ha ha ha ha. You know what I mean? It should have been Steve Harvey at the Apollo where they pull the cane.
You know, when she's.

Speaker 2 He's like, get your ass off stage. And they just pull her back.

Speaker 2 So we're forming a band. That's it.
You guys comment below on what you want the band to be called because we're starting a band, the Bad Friends Band. You're not going back to Laxton.

Speaker 2 We're starting a new band. Have you watched the Comedy Central documentary about the Comedy Store? Showtime documentary about the Comedy Store.
Whatever. I have.
Is it good? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's pretty powerful. They did some great stuff.

Speaker 2 I smoked a smoke smoke. I spoke to Mike Binder today about it, who created it, literally.
What do you say?

Speaker 2 I mean, you know, it was just, we kind of went into the depths of like, it was wild about how Sam Kinnison really died.

Speaker 2 For young people that don't know who Sam Kinnison was, or you do if you're a kid.

Speaker 2 It's a sham. Well, look, no, no, no.
I shouldn't say young. Some people don't know.
Some people are older and don't know who he was, but

Speaker 2 Kinnison had died. I heard two different versions of the story, and I told Mike this today.

Speaker 2 I said, you know, I had heard two versions of the story that Kinison had gotten clean and was going to do the gig in Laughlin, Nevada.

Speaker 2 And spoiler alert, he dies. He got hit.

Speaker 2 He tried to pass a truck and an 18-wheeler, and he got smoked head-on, and he died, and his wife lived.

Speaker 2 Carl LeBo is there. Okay, so Carl LeBo tells the story in the documentary, which I highly recommend.
And I'm not blowing anything because it's known that Kinison died with Carl.

Speaker 2 But Carl's perspective was interesting because he told kind of the opposite, which was, no, he was still getting fucked up. He was still using Coke heavily, still drinking, still being irresponsible.

Speaker 2 And Carlovov tells the moment that Kinison died in his arms. Yeah.
And I got to tell you, it's on the documentary. I highly suggest watching it.

Speaker 2 It's extremely powerful because it's simple. He's telling it.
You can tell he's not hyperbolizing the story. There's no lies.
You can tell he's saying it like.

Speaker 2 literally what happened. He was looking away from him.
He said his eyes looked like they were at the sky. And it kept saying, you're going to be okay, buddy.

Speaker 2 You're not going to die. Because he kept saying, I don't want to die right now.
Yeah. And he said, what are you talking about? You're not going to die.
And he goes, I realized he wasn't talking to me.

Speaker 2 He was looking straight up in the sky. Oh, my God.
And he was talking to somebody else. Oh, my God.
And he reiterated the way he says it.

Speaker 2 And he said, when he snapped back into reality, he could hear cars and ambulances and his wife crying. And he said, it took a lot for me to forgive him.

Speaker 2 But the thing I never knew, what Karlobov told me, or told us was, yes, he was still getting fucked up. He wasn't sober.
He hadn't reached that point, which was a lie publicly. People thought he was.

Speaker 2 And also, Karlobov's daughter. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's the most Shakespearean. Well, can I finish it for the fans?

Speaker 2 Yeah. But I just want to...
Can I just throw in my... Yeah, but let it.
It's Shakespearean?

Speaker 2 Let this go real quick.

Speaker 2 Karlobov's daughter turned out not to be his daughter. It was Sam Kinnison's.
His best friend was sleeping with his wife on drugs. She got pregnant, had the kid.
They never were able to talk about it.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 imagine your friend.

Speaker 2 Imagine I knock up Kalila.

Speaker 2 I would know. How? The baby comes out all red-headed and freaky looking.
Oh, you don't think you can have a red-headed baby? Yeah, it's going to have fucking bushy eyebrows and angry.

Speaker 2 Imagine a red-headed baby. He's going to cry like that.

Speaker 2 Imagine a red-headed Filipino kid.

Speaker 2 How bad would he get beat up? If I sell red hair on that baby, I might go to prison. Why, for killing the baby? I might throw it across the street.
Yeah, but they're resilient. They can bounce.

Speaker 2 Red-headed babies can bounce.

Speaker 2 Do you think we have them thrown out of windows?

Speaker 2 It would be devastating. I'm going to tell you this right now.
If I had a baby and it came out with a little redhead and I asked Kalila, is that Andrew's baby? And she said, yeah, right?

Speaker 2 I would literally probably kill you. Why?

Speaker 2 It would be great for the show. All right.

Speaker 2 The numbers are good? The numbers are good.

Speaker 2 Because Carl, see, Carl, you know, when I came to the comedy store,

Speaker 2 him and I became instant friends. Yeah, I've heard he's a good dude.
Yeah, in fact,

Speaker 2 he used to, like, him and his, at the time he was dating

Speaker 2 an ex-waitress from the the comedy store. Yeah, and they would invite me to his house.
I was like, kind of like an open micer almost. Yes, like today.
And they would make food, right?

Speaker 2 And then when I made some money, I helped to get his teeth fixed. Oh, really? Yeah.
What? Because he had messed up teeth? One day he was talking and it smelled like shit. And I said, um

Speaker 2 so mean. It just smelled like pure dog shit.
That's so mean, Bob. It didn't smell good.
He had rotting teeth? Yeah. And I go, oh man, what the fuck? Is that shit?

Speaker 2 Did you eat shit for lunch? Yeah. And he goes, no, man, I just have this hole and it hurts so bad.
And he goes, I, you know, I asked Roseanne for some money and she wouldn't give me any for my teeth.

Speaker 2 She's like,'How much do you have to do?' How much million do you have? How much is it? And he's like, $2,500. And he paid me back, but I gave him the money.
That's amazing. Because I love him so much.

Speaker 2 That's so nice to do. He's one of my idols.
Yeah. In fact, you know,

Speaker 2 Sabrina, one of Sam Kinnison's.

Speaker 2 His wife. Well, yeah.
Right.

Speaker 2 She

Speaker 2 one day, this actually happened, because she knows I was a big Sam Kinnison fan. And she comes to me, and I was like, I think I just got on Mad TV or something.

Speaker 2 And she goes, she gives me a plastic bag.

Speaker 2 And I open it up.

Speaker 2 And it's just a gigantic, stinky

Speaker 2 shirt with a cut down here like this, open.

Speaker 2 I go, what is it? She's like, this is the

Speaker 2 Sam's favorite shirt that he used to perform in. I never watched it.
Wow. And I had it on today.

Speaker 2 I found it today. You need to frame that.
I found it today, right? And I tried it and I looked in the mirror. It's so big on me, right?

Speaker 2 And I, um, yeah, but it's ironic, coincidental, that you brought that up. Yeah, that you wore a Kinnison shirt today.
Yeah. Bobby, I'm being genuine when I say this.

Speaker 2 I'll buy you a frame, but you must frame that. I'm going to frame it.
Because that's the thing that'll just get lost on accident. You're right.
That's like dope. It's not like the rooster.

Speaker 2 Those can go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean? Like, that's the thing that I like. George Carlin gave me that.

Speaker 2 He's dead. Let me get another one.

Speaker 2 No, it's really special.

Speaker 2 But people should watch the Showtime documentary. It's about the comedy star if you care.
I know people sometimes are like, we've already heard about it.

Speaker 2 It's like, look, this is beautiful insight, and it's Leno, Letterman,

Speaker 2 Jim Carrey,

Speaker 2 Burr. But Paulie yelled at me because

Speaker 2 apparently he said that I said in the documentary that the green wound smelled like his mom's pussy. Did it? I don't know, but I don't know remember.
Did I say that on the documentary? I don't think.

Speaker 2 I don't remember that. That's what he told me that I said, and he yelled at me.

Speaker 2 I don't remember that. Was I in it?

Speaker 2 You are in it. Okay.
Yeah. They said, it said resident noodle.
That's where the tags are there. All right, that's enough.
Stop it. That's crazy.
Hi, JK.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

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