Tito Debate Election 2020

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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Bobby-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
Bobby was late. It's an update.
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. You're late every day.
It pisses me off. And that's why I'm always mad.
You're so f***ing late. I'm always late.
Late to the show. I'm not always late.
You're late every time we film. You're late every time we film.
Bob, without fail. Every single time? Yeah, bro, yes.
You're too early. That's your problem.
So is being on time too early? No, no, no. What you do is you come here like 20 minutes before, so it seems like longer.
What you do is you come 20 minutes before to set up the show to make sure that everything is in order so that when we shoot, we're ready. But it's all about perception and time.
It's all about, it's all about, right, Jules? No, don't, don't, don't, don't. What do you mean it's all about perception and time? It's how you perceive it and how you live your time.
Swing and a miss, and that one's way outside, Bobby. No, no, no, no, I live in the moment.
Yeah, and the moment is the time we're supposed to shoot. Live in that moment and be on it.
Right, but we're here now in the moment shooting. Late, but other people, we have stuff to do, you know? What do you have to do? I have to go to a thing this evening.
What thing? Another COVID party? I'm watching a premiere tonight. Are you in it? Mm-hmm.
What is it? Davey plus two? No, that season is about to start, it's FXX. Thank you very much.
Let's not make fun of my

show. I'm not making fun of your show.
I'm just saying

what kind of fucking premiere are you going to? The way you say it,

the way you say Davey, you're on

Magnum P.I. Is Magnum P.I.

the cool show to be on? I'm

gallus. You are gallus.
Yeah.

Good to see you, Boop. No.

No, no, no, no. Because what you

don't understand is

that I woke up, right, no, no. Because what you don't understand is – Go ahead.
Is that I woke up, right, in a fury. Why? When I called you? Because we have construction in the house.
Because of the floor. Yeah.
So there's buzz saws going, dogs barking, you know. Crazy.
I can't find my keys. and then all of a sudden like I'm spilling drinks because I'm looking for and things are splashing all over the fucking place and you know there's tension check it out check it out let me finish there's tension right I run down you know what I go baby get me Starbucks she orders? I run down.
I'm like, maybe I'll just – maybe going in front of Jules downstairs, right? Because she's in school, right? It will make me feel better. So I go in there, and she just gives me fucking judge eyes.
You know what I mean? Judge eyes. Like Judge Ito eyes.
She's just like everything I'm doing. Like I'm OJ.
Guilty. Yeah, guilty, Right? And so then I'm playing Warzone, and then like, I can't get no kills.
I'm just like, I'm just dying out there, man. And then all of a sudden, like, you know, then the Starbucks is late, and we're supposed to go here, and I go, should I get my coffee and have my little sandwich, or should I come to Malnourished to this podcast? Should I come Malnourished? Check it out.
Yeah. Check it out.
We called. I talked to you at 2.
2.30. Okay.
You had an hour and a half to put food in your body. Okay.
And to get here on time. I didn't tell the story.
But you wanted to wait to the story. I didn't tell the story, right? I didn't tell the story, right? So everything was just a lie, what you just said.
No, no, there's one little thing that I forgot to mention. Is it an important detail? Really huge.
And why'd you leave it out? Because I just wanted to get through the fucking story. Oh, so the important things you should take out.
Yeah. Okay, so what's the one thing that you didn't...
All right, so that Starbucks wasn't the first option. When I When I came down there, right to your room.
Time out. How long did you play Warzone for? We were waiting for that.
Let me just finish my point. Okay.
So when I came down there, what did I say was coming first initially? A sandwich? No. Burrito.
Oh, burrito. Did I say burrito? Yeah.
Okay, thank you. So I go, we ordered burritos from Koufax.

Yeah, I love it.

Breakfast burritos.

It's great.

Great, right?

Yeah, great.

So then I start playing Warzone, and I'm texting Kalilah.

You can see the text.

Where is it?

We have to go, right?

And then she goes, it's coming.

We're waiting.

And then all of a sudden she says, they fucking canceled the order.

Because it was a breakfast burrito and you ordered it at 2 p.m.? I don't know. That could be it.
I don't know what it is. And you might have a point, but that's irrelevant.
It's irrelevant. Okay.
Whatever the reasons why they canceled it, they canceled it. Sure.
Right? So I'm like, now it's like, we're supposed to be at 4. Now it's like 3.45.
And I'm like, I can't podcast without coffee. And I need to get some nutrients in my body because I'm a human being.
And that's what I fucking drive on. Could have some food at the house.
Could. No, because.
Could have some food around the house. The construction is what? They're blocking the fridge.
Yes. So? So I can't go up there because,

and it has nothing to do

with their race or anything.

Oh, it does.

But that's up with the Hispanics.

Oh, boy.

That's what it is.

You don't like to be around Mexicans.

No, that's what I love them.

You get nervous around Mexicans.

I love them.

Cinco de Mayo,

I'm the one with the fucking spices, man.

You go upstairs.

I bring the spices to the party.

Hola, señor.

And you're like.

No, I don't.

So I can't go up there

and it's like, so we're late.

All right.

But there's a reason why.

All that other shit you just talked about.

Was that not it?

Yeah.

Those are the reasons.

Those are the reasons.

Yeah.

So I think that in a court of law that I would win.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

No way.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

There's no way in the court of law would win.

All right.

Well, I got you a gift anyway.

For what? Because. I got you a gift anyway.
For what?

Because I got you two gifts.

Because we're concerned about your sleep patterns and I hear you breathe, the fans have noted

that you're breathing so much.

They can hear how you breathe in the mic.

Yeah.

And they're concerned.

A lot of people hear fluttering within your lungs.

People are getting concerned.

We've had a lot of fans write in.

Medical fans have said, I work in the medical field.

Bobby sounds a little sketchy when he breathes.

So breathe through your nose into the mic.

Go ahead.

They're worried.

So we got you two things.

I'm getting you help, by the way.

I'm getting you a sleep apnea coach.

It's going to be on next week.

Okay?

But I've got you two things I'd like you to try on now.

This is an anti-snoring chin strap.

The white one.

Let's go. going to be on next week okay but i've got you two things i'd like you to try on now this is an anti-snoring chin strap the white one let's see if that works see if it see if it maybe helps a little bit with your breathing technique these chin straps are are from uh from amazon they were the cheapest one i could find so i don't know if they're and they're made in wuhan.
I don't know where that is or if that's a good spot to come from, but that's what these are made. You place the wide part.
I already know how to use these before. You used it? Yeah.
Put the other part behind your head. Unstrap the...
Bob? Are you snoring? No, this is perfect. Working.
These are great. Well, there's a black one too.
We also got you one more thing as a gift this is from the crew here at bad friends this is a two-in-one anti-snoring and an air purifier this is actually very dope this came highly recommended you put this in your schnoz you won't snore it'll help you not have sleep apnea stuff and on top of it you're you're filtering out all the stuff that's in the air here in Los Angeles. We have crappy air, you know? So throw that in your schnoz and let's see what that does.
We have really bad air. Have you ever seen the dust outside when you look at the furniture? Isn't it disgusting? It's gross.
This would mean that I would have... Is it that dusty back home? This would mean I would have...
In the Philippines? Yeah, is it dusty in the Philippines? It's bad. I would have every hole in my face covered if I have this.

Correct.

Because I cover my eyes, my ears, and now my nose.

Oh, I have one more hole.

My mouth.

Well, yeah, but we're going to put a sleep... But I have dicks in it.

Dicks in your mouth at night, yeah.

We're going to put a sleep apnea machine in your mouth.

You could put the dick in your butt.

So what is this? You can still put the dick in your butt. Go ahead and put it up your schnoz and see how it works.
Now breathe into the mic. Let's hear it.
Hello? No, no. Breathe with your nose.
How much smoother does that sound? Dude, this is going to change your life. No, but why? I don't.
First of all, I don't hear a difference. There's a huge difference.
I'm fine with my nasal passageways. But you don't know what's really going on, Bob.
Of course I do. I'm the one that's living in it.
You barely know what's going on with your body. I know exactly what's going on with my body.
You really do? It's a good machine. It's a bad machine.
It's a broken machine. It's an old Xerox machine.
We need to fix it. Yeah, but it's not...
I'm not going to die. I don't know.
Am I going to die? At some point... People are fucking emailing us that I'm going to die.
People are saying they're concerned about your sleep habits because it's really dangerous. How? People die so much younger when they have sleep apnea, when they can't get good sleep, when they stay up too late and their body isn't on a good time schedule.
This is how people die young. Okay, I'll keep it in there.
It sounds good. It does? Honestly, it sounds like you're getting full filtered air in there.
You feel that? Mm-hmm. It's smooth, right? I literally am dizzy.
Because you're getting so much oxygen. No, no, no.
I'm about to faint. Don't faint.
Okay. Should I keep it in? I think you should take it out.
No, I'm going to keep it in. Keep it in.
I'll keep it in. Look, it's going to help you tremendously.
Okay. Who are these doctors? People from the internet.
Yeah, internet doctors? Internet doctors. So what are they saying? They're saying that when they're listening to the fucking podcast, they can hear me breathe? Yeah, they can hear you breathe through your schnoz.
And it sounds like you're not getting enough oxygen. You don't know your body.
What kind of body fat percentage do you have, do you think? 4.5 over the redux of my body fat. Really? Yeah.
I'm going to get a body fat at measuring machine? I guarantee you're like 20 or 30. 4.5.
You're almost 30% body fat. Pie over fucking grams.
Put your arm out to the side. Put your arm straight out.
Right here, man. All right, jiggle it.
Like this. Do it like that.
Look at that. Fuck you.
There's nothing here. There's no muscle.
There's no muscle, but there's no fat. Yeah, there is.
Look on the underside. Look at all that fat wiggling down there.
It's skin. Nah, that's not skin.
I come from a big skin family. You guys have a lot of skin? We have longer skin and we have more skin genetically from my family.
Okay. Yeah.
But there's no fat. No fat.
There's fat in my stomach. But anywhere else it doesn't exist.
Okay. Well, I hope this works.
At least this, I think, is a good start. I'll try tonight, though.
I think you should, honestly. So what is this going to do? It's going to open up your nasal passages, right nasal passages right it's gonna get more airflow that's why you feel like fainting because you're actually probably getting a lot of oxygen in your blood I'm a little high right now it's cool that's cool yeah you do get a little stone from air yeah have you ever had an oxygen machine have you ever had like a have you ever been in the mountains before oh I'm a mountain man no you're not oh fuck yeah where'd you go Okay, okay, okay.
Mammoth is good. Mammoth is up there.
Mount Soledad. Mount Soledad.
Yeah, Mount Soledad. When did you go to Mount Soledad? There's one in La Jolla.
Oh, that's not... No, there's one in Mexico that I'm thinking...
You're not... You didn't...
Mount Soledad is like a hill. Yeah.
It's not a mountain. But it's called Mount Soledad.
Sure. I promise you that.
Yes, that's true. Right? Yeah, there's a high school called Mount Carmel.
It's not on a mountain. I know, but it's still uphill.
Sure, it's up a hill. Yeah, it's up.
And you're elevated. Okay, yes, it's a mountain.
It's not a mountain, but I'm just saying they call it Mount Soledad. I'm just giving you facts.
Yeah, but that's not a mountain. I need to know mountains.
Okay, Fiji and Fuji. Fiji water, Fuji water? Yeah, yeah, I know.
I drank Fiji water on Mount Fuji. Did you really? Yeah.
That's kind of fun. That's really good.
It's going to get more oxygen in your blood. It's going to help you sleep better.
And it's filtering the air. So then if Kalilah lets one rip at night or one of the dogs, you won't be able to smell it.
Yeah. Or you.
Or you. If you don't want to smell your body.
This really has me really concerned though, man. This is kind of freaking me out.
Same to us. That's why we're doing this.
No, but do I really need to go to a doctor and get a fucking... We're getting a guy on the next week.
But I have to go get to a test. That's what my doctor said.
He's going to analyze everything up front and find out how... If you really need to come in and get a machine.
Yeah. But I think he's going to find out that, yeah, you're drinking 87 ounces of coffee.
You're still smoking. You're drinking Red Bull.
Your diet consists of pizza, boogers, and, you know, Korean barbecue. I mean, when was the last time you had just a salad? For real.
Monday, maybe. Was it salad with fixings on it? It was a pizza salad.
Pizza salad, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, that makes sense. Well, it's a pizza, right, with the sauce, but they put salad on top.
They really do. I know.
It's really good. Yeah.
Pizza salad's fine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then I love, is carbonara a salad? Carbonara is not a salad, no. It's delicious, though.
Sure. Can we admit that?

Yeah.

It also fills you up.

Sure does.

It gives you energy.

No, I don't know if it gives you energy.

Yeah, yeah.

I like carbonara a lot.

I don't know if that's a salad.

And penne with carbonara,

I'm sure that's not a salad.

Penne is a pasta.

Yeah, yeah.

But it's really good.

Yes. I also like...

What fruits do I like i like um blueberries okay bananas bananas are good for you yeah i like peanut butter with my banana though same you do i put peanut butter on my waffles too i had blueberry waffles so all i'll I'll chop up maybe five, and then I'll stick like three spoonfuls of peanut butter. Okay.
And then I'll drench it with honey. Yeah.
And then I'll make two gigantic pieces of toast, and I'll take all that and chunk it. You know what I mean? And is that a salad? Yes.
Okay. That's a salad.
Yeah, yeah. By, probably by...
By proxy. By proxy, yeah.
It's near enough by salad. Yeah.
Take that out of your nose. Will you do it tonight for real? Will you really try it tonight and sleep with that in the chin strap? Will you lick this? Mm-hmm.
No, to be honest, you know what? Let me ask you this. That's an old Korean custom, right?

It really is.

I trust nothing the Koreans have done.

I understand that.

But you know what it would mean a lot to me?

It would make me laugh.

You want me to make me laugh?

Yeah.

You want to make me laugh?

You would make me cackle laughing.

If I could make George lick that?

No, if you licked the tips of these right now.

Like stick this in your mouth right now. I just got over coronavirus.

You want me to get a new virus? You have had bird flu twice and SARS. So, but I'm on antibiotics, right? It would make me laugh so hard.
Are you on antibiotics right now? Why are you on antibiotics? I always take them. It's like a vitamin for me.
They're so bad for you. Oh, shit.
I'll stop. They deplete your immune system.
Oh. Bobby, don't take antibiotics.

I'm kidding.

I don't take it.

Can you lick this?

No, you're not.

Yeah, lick this.

I could see you just throwing down a Z-pack.

Just lick the tips.

The fans will love it.

It's entertainment.

The fans will love me licking your snot device?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Why don't you make one of these guys do it?

Yeah.

Get in here, George.

You lick it.

George.

George. He literally goes, he just laughed.
Nobody sounds like you, George. It's you.
He just laughed. You know what, Andrew? You're a coward.
Thanks. Okay.
I'll lick that if on camera you lick my open butthole. On camera.
I will on camera moon there and you lick my open tush and I'll lick that okay really for the laugh yeah I'd do anything for the fans I know it's disgusting you know that right I would do anything for the fans I think it's hilarious right I'd have to put a mask on no no no no I'll stick my tongue out but I have to wear the mask out no it's gotta be tongue it's gotta-to-tush. Can I do something that's equivalent to this, though? I just feel like you took it to a next level.
Comedy. Elevate always.
No, but it's a contract, right? Yeah, and my deal is better than yours. No, no, no.
The contract is this. It should be equal.
No, contracts are never equal. Why don't you do this, right? Why don't you stick a fucking tissue in your nose, right? Swirl it all around.
I'll eat the tissue. You lick the tip of this.
So you guys are afraid to go out to eat at restaurants. Yeah.
But you want me to lick your nose. That's true.
Yeah, that's right. Let's be real.
Okay, let's be real. George trying to get away from that.
George, we should have made George do it. I know, no, no.
What do we make him do? Let's have him do it or he's fired. Do it or you're fired, George.
George, get in here. I'm not being real now.
George? George, lick the tip of, or you're fired. You're fired.
Is that what you want? You want to be out on the streets? Also, I'll tell you this, George, you're going to get a lot of fans. A lot of fans.
And you'll be punk rock. Do you want to be punk rock or not? Think Steve-O.
How cool is he? Think Steve-O. Correct.
Think Steve-O. Alright, Bob.
You're fired. You're fired.
Yeah, what's up? Okay, so two weeks ago, people know, we put up an ad about Riso Soma audio victims of George's Laugh. Because George's Laugh is, quite frankly, a lot of fans have complained.
Well, I've been, it's like, I'm immune to it. It's like when you watch, like, you know, a scary movie.
And that's like, I've been watching The Haunted House of Blythe House. What is that called? Bly Manor.
Hill House Bly. Yeah.
Bly Manor. She's just like, Bly Bean.
Bly Manor. Bly Manor.
Bly Manor, whatever. Bly Manor, yeah.
And, you know, and there's a woman that just constantly, she has to cover the fucking, you know, mirrors because she sees time. Yeah.
Right? But she's used to it. Yeah.
I'm used to George's laugh. But if I heard it for the first time, I would probably need trauma therapy.
Right. Yeah.
It's like so like, you know. It's heavy.
Invasive. Does it do anything to you? I like his laugh.
You do? Oh, my God. She's great.
She's a crazy human being. She's like a little insane person we have in the studio.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, we had put up that commercial.

I like his laugh.

I like his laugh.

I like his laugh.

We put up that commercial for the victims to call the hotline.

It's a real number.

Some people used it.

We've got some concern.

These are real fans who are actually very concerned with what George's laugh has done to them.

I'm going to play you guys a couple of clips, okay? Here we go. Let's hear this one.
George has caused my family to leave me. His annoying laughter has ruined my life in every conceivable way.
It haunts my dreams, caused me to lose sleep at night. I lost my job.
My wife left me and took our daughter and moved back home with her family. Fuck you, George.
More, please. More.
These are real. These are from real people.
Man, I can't get it out of my fucking head. Every time I try to go to sleep at night, I just hear that stupid son of a bitch's laughter.
It's driving me insane, man. I punched my wife in the throat the other day because she laughed just almost identical to him but then again maybe i'm just hearing it i don't know she was asleep so i doubt it that's great man i gotta make a stop though hello hello uh i'm calling a little bobby uh i can't hear i'm not gonna hear no more I not going to hear no more.

Because it's Jordan.

He's been laughing for so long.

I can't hear no more.

Please, I'm not going to hear no more.

Rudy, is that somebody that you know?

That sounds like somebody you might know.

Yeah.

No, I don't know.

You don't know who that is? No. That's your mother.
That was your mom that called. That's honey.
Yep. George's annoying laughter but I was listening to the podcast one day while driving and that's, they just popped up out of nowhere.
Wait, mom, I'll change your diaper now. It just popped up out of nowhere and it honestly scared me.
I almost swerved right into a 14-wheeler next to me.

He almost killed me.

I should sue.

You're going to get sued, George.

You're going to get sued.

That message, though, was very good.

Because in between, he did a bit.

He did a bit.

He's changing his mother's diaper.

Yeah, yeah, that was really funny.

It was really nice.

But when he says changing his mother's diaper, but he's yelling across the room, that must mean they're reusing diapers.

He must be cleaning it out.

Right.

He's in another room, for sure.

Right.

Yeah.

Right.

It was disturbing. I mean, I got the joke, but he would just howl on the back and fuck me up, man.
Like, I don't know. Like, where the fuck is George, man? Oh, George! People are really disturbed.
Honestly, George, this is bad george's laughter has completely destroyed my life i can't go to sleep at night i can hardly wake up in the morning every time i hear laughter i'm always worried that george might be somewhere near me and it's the scariest thing ever i truly think i'm suffering from emotional distress i need your help i need your legal representation so here's the deal we have a law firm that people called and you know you and i are both we both have we passed the bar here in southern california oh yeah yeah i passed a bar in three states you have three i only have one yeah one in nevada one here and one in uh del. Why Delaware? It's the smallest state.

It's the easiest bar to get over. It's easy to get.

Low to the ground, isn't it?

Not only that, it's just easier to get one there.

They just want to hand it to you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're a lawyer there in Delaware.

Yeah.

We got one more call from someone who's very concerned.

Oh, my God.

Is this real?

I'm not going to lie.

I love George's laughter hearing it in the background. You guys give Pinkton shit yes you don't know shit you idiot moron i'm tired of um people thinking that we're being mean to people please they know we're having fun we're having fun and um you know i have to be honest with you george is not a good guy tell me more well george and these are things and i i you You know, I have to be honest with you.
George is not a good guy. Tell me more.
Well, George – and these are things – and I – you know, when I first met George – Yeah. We had a meeting, and he says, you know, these are things that please don't tell people about my life, about my history.
And you did it right away. No, I've never said it, and i'm saying it here for the first time oh okay yeah yeah um he likes well when he was a kid right he fondled um squirrels you know he really would fondle squirrels really yeah yeah he would touch him well he was he's from the forest i understand right he's from the woods he was raised in the wild.
Right. So you would capture, you know what I mean? But these aren't just adult squirrels.
These were kid squirrels. Oh, no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They didn't have that brown patch of hair down there.
And their squirrel nuts haven't dropped yet. Yeah, they're a little dropped.
No squirrel nuts. Right.
And he used to lick his finger like that, right? Index. And like rub, even the penises, rub it like this, right? And the squirrel would, right? And he would rub it hard, right? And so one time, two squirrel babies, right? He rubbed it so much, it started a little fire.
Oh, no, George. Yeah, they burst into flames, yeah.
He lit squirrels on fire by rubbing their genitals? Yeah. He rububs like this so hard.
Circular, yeah. Right? So that's

number one. And so that's, you know,

not illegal. You still wanted to work with

the guy, huh? Yeah, he's very good with numbers.

He is. And he's very proactive.
He is.

Right. So, and the second thing he did

was, um,

he didn't, there was an old

lady in the forest that lived,

right? And she had

52 bags of

safely bags full of

groceries. One for each week.
She liked to hoard

I'm going to go over. in the forest that lived, right? And she had 52 bags of safely bags full of groceries.

One for each week.

No, she likes to hoard, right?

And get all her shopping done

for the year.

Right, I'm saying she has one bag for a week.

Exactly, right?

So she's like, George, will you please help me?

And he goes, fuck you, bitch.

Or something like that.

And so she was carrying a Mack truck. She died.
George, will you please help me? And he goes, fuck you, bitch, or something like that. Yeah, fuck you, right?

And so she was carrying a Mack truck.

She died.

She got hit by a Mack truck?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then George's laugh across the street.

George, did you laugh when an old lady died?

He was 17 years old.

17 years old.

Ew, dude.

Yeah.

What are other secrets?

I hear another secret.

He was taken to shit, right, in the forest, right?

And he didn't have any toilet paper, so he wiped his ass with the Bible.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Corinthians.

Dude, Corinthians?

Corinthians.

New test?

Yeah, new test.

Old test?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Right.

You've heard things, correct?

I've heard so much bad stuff about George.

Give me one.

In fact, here's what happened.

When we talked about doing this show, we met at a restaurant on Ventura in the neighborhood. And I said to him, hey, I'm going to be running a little bit late because I have to go right next door and grab something from CVS.
He says, I'll just get us a table. You know? Yeah.
That's how he sounds. And he got us a table.
Yeah. Right? And I walk in on time, actually.
So he thinks I'm going to be two minutes late. I'm actually on time because it worked out better.
I see the way he's talking to the waitress. I'm not kidding.
I'm not making this up. She's a little plump.
She's a little thick. She's probably 5'2", you know, 3'30".
She's rotund. Right, right.
She looked like Violet Beauregard when she blows up in Willy Wonka. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Anyway, George looks her in the face. I'm not joking.
He goes, I said club soda, fat ass. And she starts crying.
And he goes, yeah, keep crying. Maybe you'll lose some weight.
Maybe you'll, I swear to God. He goes, maybe you're carrying around water weight.
Right. And so then I enter and I said, George, what was that all about? And he stumbled.
Mr. Oh, I left something in my car.
He got in his car. He left.
So that's how he treats people when we're not looking. Can I tell you another thing he does? Please.
Just because you take a letter out of a racial, you know what I mean, slur, doesn't make it right. Of course not.
Like we were driving, right? We back. You can't say we back.
I back. That's what he said.
Yeah. Yeah.
See, he's laughing. He loves it.
Yeah. Yeah.
When I met when I met when I met George outside of your old place for the first time when I first did Tiger Belly. Yeah.
You were like, oh, George will come down and open up the gate. And George comes downstairs.
And I'm not kidding. He's got his penis out george had his penis out yeah and he's pushing in the code for the gate with his penis yeah yeah yeah and and he's and he's going like this to me smiling i know i know i know and i thought for a second okay comedy world he gets comedy this isn't this okay but then this is insane i look across street.
What's across the street from your old place? An elementary school. Wow.
And he wasn't waving at me. Yeah.
Yeah. He's waving at the kids.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
And there's children, old ladies. Yeah.
A couple of black people as well. Right.
Yeah. All kinds of people.
Everybody likes pottery. Right.
Right. And you're painting and he did the same.
You know, there's a brush, you know, because we molded. Oh, you did it on the wheel.
We molded on the wheel. Oh, wow.
We did it like the movie Ghost. Right.
So he went right behind me. Right.
And we're just doing it. Right.
And then all of a sudden I'm like, is your dick in my asshole? Was it? Yes. Ew! His dick was in my asshole.
No approval, by the way. No approval, right? George.
And then after the fucking pottery thing dry, put it in the oven and whatnot, right? He painted it with his dick. Oh, my God.
Right? So it was just like these little dots from his hole. Like a little, you know.
From a slip. Yeah, from the slip.
Yeah. I got to tell you, I don't approve.
Rude, do you like George at all? Now that you know the secrets that we're not supposed to tell, how do you feel? Yeah, he's scary. See? He is very scary.
Very scary. And he's not a man that you want around you, correct? And I'm going to tell you right now, Jules, when he calls you ook, right?

Jules, and you're like, what does that mean?

I'm afraid to tell you what it is. Right.

But he always goes, hey, you ook, right?

And I'm like, yeah.

Well, he thinks it's cute.

He goes, hi, ookie.

He thinks it's cute.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He thinks it's like a fun term of endearment.

It's like, I was afraid to tell you what it meant.

And so I'm just letting you know, add whatever letter you want in front of ook.

I bet you could figure it out. Yeah.
You could fill her figure. It's not a vowel.
How about that? Anyway, so George is a bad guy. He's a bad guy.
But he's really good with numbers and he's very hardworking. He's a politician.
Yeah, he's very good. Speaking of which, it's election time and I'll tell you what I'm looking forward to right now kanye kanye 2020 yeah yep we want him to win president of course you did yeah um here's the deal yeah we we have a thing that we're about i'm filling you in as we go we're gonna do best since we can't have a president of the podcast right say, why don't you guys do a presidential race of the podcast? I said, no one can be the president of the podcast because there's three parties, right? You can't, and there has to be only two parties.
So I think... Well, she's kind of like the Green Party.
She's the Green. Right.
Yeah. Okay.
And what are you? Democrat. And what am I? Republican.
You bet your ass. Yeah.
No, but the truth is we have to run against each other. And I think we've decided to make you and I are going to run.
Andres has compiled some questions for us. Okay.
So there's a debate? Uh-huh. Oh, fuck.
Because of the— I didn't prepare. Neither did I.
But we're running for best. You have debate people that you practice with.

We're running for best Tito, okay?

Best Tito.

And she's going to choose who's best Tito.

Do you understand?

All right.

Good evening from the Bad Friends studio in Los Angeles, California.

I'm Fancy B, your moderator.

And I'm welcoming to the first and only Bad Friends Best American Tito debate of 2020 between Tito Bobby and Tito Andrew. The commission of very important debates have decided the format, four sections of approximately four minutes each, with one minute of interrupted opening statements from each candidate.
For the record, the candidates have not agreed to respect any rules. I have decided the topics and the questions, and I can assure you none of the questions have been shared with any of the candidates.
As a precaution, the candidates have agreed not to shake hands at the beginning of the debate. George has promised not to laugh.
No noise, except for now, when we welcome Tito Bobby and Tito Andrew. Thank you.
Thank you very much. Thank you so much.
Thank you. Thank you.
Good to be here. Thank you.
So, gentlemen, a lot of people have been waiting for this moment, so let's start. Our first topic is house rules.
Tito Bobby, you have said you leave dirty plates everywhere, you have a drawer full of ants, and you leave boogers in your guest bedroom. Tito Andrew, you have called your opponent disgusting and accused him of unsanitary practices.
You prefer to have plastified, unused furniture and spotless rooms. Why are you right in your opponent run? We start with you, Tito Bobby.
I am right because, as we know, life is hard. For some of us, yes.
For most. For you, for sure.
Well, for us that struggle, right, and know what humanity is about, and know what hardship is. You're rich.
He's been taking money from the Chinese for years.

He's been taking money from the Chinese.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Explain the email.

Excuse me.

Explain the email.

There's a little email that we have on file that says,

that says you're taking Chinese money.

You have to fucking unite and group together.

There is no sides.

There's no red or blue.

Oh, there's red and yellow.

We're just Americans.

No.

We're Americans.

Are you?

Where were you born?

I was born in San Diego, California.

Show me your passport.

How dare you?

I heard my passport.

Show me.

Here we go. red or blue.
Oh, there's red and yellow. We're just Americans.
No. We're Americans.
Are you? Where were you born? I was born in San Diego, California. Show me your passport.
How dare you? I don't need a passport because I have a birth certificate. Oh, show me that too.
Thank you so much. Show me your birth certificate.
Hoax, fake news. How am I fake news? Okay.
You're the one who keeps unkept records of yourself. You were late to this debate.
What kind of person wants a Tito who's late to the debate? Let me ask the question at hand. Why don't we leave the questions up to the moderator? Let me finish my point, sir.
Okay, go ahead. Thank you, all right? Yeah, go ahead.
Will you shut up, man? Life is hard. Honestly, can I finish without him interrupting? 30 seconds.
How is that? 30 seconds? What, he fucking interrupted me. Here we go, all right? So let me just finish.
All right, sir. Thank you.
Life is hard, okay? And I know that when Jules leaves our house, right, she is going to be confronted with all kinds of elements, right? And I want to be able to toughen her skin, right? I want her to succeed, and I want her to know what tough love is, et cetera, et cetera. So what I do is I put things around the house purposely.
Bodily fluids. Yeah.
He puts bodily fluids around the to tell you this right now you want a tito who does stuff like that can i say something right now when she goes out in the world right yeah and some homeless person spits in her face she'll know what to do she'll have the immune system to fight it off homeless people oh by the way in my under my under my regime as tito right everyone's homeless everyone's homeless i know everyone's homeless. That's right.
So I am preparing her for a hard life, a difficult life. Right? And she one day will be grateful for my fucking tutelage.
Okay. Can I have the floor, please? Thank you.
Because obviously this guy. Well, Andrew, you have been going over the limit.
Great. So I think we have a lot of questions.
We have to. Thank you.
And you know what? This is CNN propaganda. That's what this is.
This is MSNBC. And I know...
And let me tell you something. Why don't you talk...
What? They muted my mic. They should mute mics.
Why don't you talk about your son? Why don't you talk about your son who was on heroin? My son, Alfredo, right? Yeah, he was on heroin. He got kicked out of the Air Force.
Human trafficking business was never on heroin. He owned a pizza parlor, and the Clintons were running kids out of the parlor.
What's the excuse there? We made pizzas. My son made pizzas.
You made salad pizzas. And I said he had a human trafficking business.
You made salad pizzas and sold kids. He did not shoot heroin.
Next question. Okay.
Our next look is dedicated to holidays. Thank you.
My expertise, by the way. Thank you.
Well. You're welcome.
You have handled Halloween by turning the lights off your house and hiding from kids. Tito and Andrew, on the other hand, have been given 50 bags of candy.
So the question that nephews and nieces across America want to know, how are you going to deal with Christmas? We start with Tito Andrew. Thank you.
Well, I, as a Christian, God-fearing adult male who loves baby Jesus, both black baby Jesus and white baby Jesus. I handle Christmas with care, with precision, with expertise, and with love.
I decorate my home. I give away gifts to the homeless, increments of a thousand.
I give away 10 $100 bills to people at random on the street. I'm very giving.
I'm very loving. And I believe that during the holidays, we need to be praising the good Lord, preaching the good word, and making sure that we instill these beliefs into the youth for the rest of time.
And I am someone, I'm a Tito who gives gifts, as people know of this show. Have I given you gifts? Yes.
I have. Have I given you gifts? I'm not done.
Have I given you gifts? No, you have not. I just gave you two today! This is not a gift.
Sure, and this is how we feel. This is not a gift.
This is insulting. And this is how a privileged person feels.
This is insulting. This is how a privileged person feels about everything.
They don't want anything you give to them. It isn't enough because it didn't cost enough.
He didn't like his cake I gave him for his birthday because it was from Vons. Right.
It's like if I give you an eyebrow trimmer, that is not a gift. That is something to help you.
I would love it if you gave me one, and that would be a gift. May I have the floor? I'm not dying.
May I have the floor? Rebuttal. Tito Andrew.
I mean, shut up. Tito Bobby.
It's your time. It is true.
I will deport you. This guy's getting deported after this.
It is true that I do not give children candy on Halloween. Yeah.
That is a fact. But what you do not realize is that I give the kids candy every other day after that.
Prove it. I do.
I go around asking. I go around right after Halloween.
I'll go up to any random child, give them candy. They go, why? Because I will give you candy, not Halloween, but every single other day.
And they go, thank you. There's no proof of this.
This is a lie. It is not a lie.
No one's ever seen this. I do do it.
All right? And here's the thing. You've given fucking Juliana gifts?

Yes. I've given her the gift of life.
You didn't give. You're not her father.
I know, but I give her food. And this is what he does.
And nutrients and shelter and blankies. As we know.
Do you not have a blankie? Do you have a blankie? I have. Right.
As we know. Do you have a Tempur-Pedic bed? Yes.
Thank you. as we know Tito Bobby only gives gifts

to Rudy Jules to hold I have a Tempur-Pedic bed. Yes.
Thank you.

As we know, Tito Bobby only gives gifts to Rudy Jules to hold them over her head when he wants something in return. He has tried to blackmail her, as you've seen on the show.
What can she do for me? As you've seen on the show, he blackmailed her with Starbucks. What can she do for me? What can she do for me? Enrich, enlighten.
She is the youth. That's the future.
I have not learned anything except for certain anime shows from her. What the sharpest knives are.
Yep. Right? That's pretty much it.
She's given you more than you could ever give to anybody because you're a selfish person and she is not. Next question.
Next. Selfish.
Next question. Mike's got cut.
Good. Next question.
Okay.

So on the topic of being a good uncle,

on your last episode,

Tito Bobby,

you have described Rudy as an ungrateful,

Mongol-feet ilk.

Tito Andrew,

you have mocked Rudy's accent constantly.

So why would any of you be a good uncle for America?

Tito Bobby?

Like I said,

okay,

the reason why I put the boogers on a wall

I don't know. Constantly.
So why would any of you be a good uncle for America? Tito Bobby?

Like I said, okay, the reason why I put the boogers on a wall and I insult her, right, is because I'm trying to strengthen her.

Because she is not from this country, right?

She is not.

She is from the islands of the Philippines.

It's taking money from China and people from the Philippines. Just know that that's his agenda.

She is in a new land, right?

And I am just trying to help her grow.

She's grown.

As a human being.

She's an adult grown human being.

And survive in this crazy world.

She knows how.

Right.

She doesn't need, and she doesn't need your disgustingness.

And let me tell you something.

And when you call her ook.

I never said that.

Yeah, when you call her a fan-faced ook.

Fake news.

You're a white person. Fake news.
For you to do that. For you to do that, not blood-related.
Fake. I'm blood-related.
No, you're not. Yes.
No, you're not. Yes, she is.
No, you're not. She's my sister's fucking daughter.
No. I have a sister named Honey.
My daughter. That's not your sister.
Yeah, she is my sister. You're not Filipino.
I am Filipino. No, you're Korean.
I'm 25% Filipino. You're 112% Korean.
And the extra 12, we can tell. We all know where that 12% went.
But you are obviously white, sir. I'm obviously nothing.
For you to call a young Filipino lady an island pan-faced uke is crazy. No, I never said that.
You were the one that says Mongol feet. You were the one that says racial epithets.
I simply... Have you ever seen her climb a tree? No.
She can. And quickly.

The I only tease her accent because it's sweet and loving.

I've never insulted her.

I've never called her names like you have.

You call her degenerate brat.

You've called her the C word off air.

I've seen it. Yeah.

Catherine.

Yeah.

I've called her Catherine.

But Catherine in Filipino means something else, pal.

Beautiful.

No, it means the C word. It means cunt.
Yes. Yes.
He does this, and this is. Okay, okay.
Yes. Thank you.
Guys, thank you. Let's try to keep it civil.
We're trying. Okay.
We have, our next topic is quality time. Oh.
Tito Bobby. My expertise.
You have complained about waking up to go to see a satellite launching or to go fishing. You decided to stay in the pool while your family went hiking in the Philippines and stay in your hotel during your recent trip to Joshua Tree.
What would you say to those who call you lazy and that you want to spend time with your knees. It's really about point of view and perception.

And let me ask you something, all right?

When you hike, when one hikes anywhere in the world, right,

you don't want it to take a week.

You want it to take a couple of hours, right?

If I went on the hike, it would take weeks for you to get through the hike because I'm so slow, like a sloth, right? So I'm being mindful about their time, right? I want to go to the hikes. I look them in the eyes.
But you don't. May I go? But you don't go.
And they say, Tito Bobby? She says, Tito Bobby, right? You know, I have school next week, right? I have a life to live. I mean, I want to be able to get through this hike today, right? So you can watch, you know what I mean, your movies in the hotel room, right? And you can go to the buffet in the morning, right? The high class one, right? And have your pastries, right? Well, I partake.
But thank you so much for volunteering. No, thank you.
And this is what somebody says when they don't have the best Tito. Someone like me, best Tito.
You've never taken her anywhere. You've never taken her anywhere.
You know why? You know why? You know why? I've taken her San Francisco, Canada. I can't take her anywhere.
Canada, New York, Hawaii. I can't take her anywhere because I'm a white male.
No. And if I'm seen around town with her in a van, they're going to think, that's a kidnapped kid.
Yeah. Why do you have a white van? Why do you have a white van? Why is it white? Yes.
So everyone can see where I'm going. All right.
I'm a great Tito, and I would love to take Rudy out to lunch or somewhere nice. I would always be on time.
I would take her for a hike, and I would get the hike done on time. A good Tito.
You've never done it, sir.

You're all talk.

Because it's illegal. You lie?

Because it's illegal.

You keep her caged up at your house.

I'm the one that have proof.

Do you have a cage? Do you live in a cage?

Kind of.

You live in a cage? She lives in a cage.

You heard it, America. You live in a cage.

The Lees have a cage. Be honest.
You live in a cage. Wait, stop.
You heard it, America. You live in a cage.
The Lees have a cage.

Be honest.

Be honest.

You live in a cage.

Yep.

Kinda.

Oh, all right.

I love it.

Next question.

Okay, but Tito Andrew, and on this topic of quality time.

Yes.

I made me so fucking mad just now.

Nude him.

Yep.

Tito Andrew, it looks like you have some rage issues.

It's not unusual to see your face go red.

I mean, redder than

usual. Your

eyebrows palpitate

and you yell a lot.

So why would

anyone want to spend some quality time with you?

Here's

why. The only time that I get

upset and I get more red than I am

is simply when somebody

disrespects my time and or space. Tito Bobby, the worst Tito in the room, never respects my time or my space.
Doesn't care about what I've got scheduled or what I've got going on. And that's the only reason that I have anger issues, which by the way, I'm in therapy.
I've been in therapy for, for a long time. I'm working through it.
I'm, I have multiple therapy, therapists, by the way. Okay.
I am in therapy. It's working.
I'm struggling through it. I have multiple therapists, by the way.
Okay? I am in therapy.

It's working.

I'm struggling through it.

It's not easy.

But I'll say this.

Have I ever yelled

at you directly?

Have I ever screamed at you?

I have not.

I yell at someone

that disrespects me

and my time

and I am therefore

the best Tito.

Have you ever heard

Tito Andrew scream, though?

Yeah.

At whom?

At whom?

Tito Bobby.

That's right.

And do you get affected by it? It's scary sometimes. Thank you so much.
It's called residual. No.
It's residual fear. It's scary because you think I might actually hurt Tito Bobby, but he deserves it.
It's funny. It's funny, my friend.
It's funny, my friend. Oh, don't talk to me like that.
I'm not your friend. I've had so many people call me and go, how do you work with that guy? Oh, is that what they say? Right.
You know what they say to me? How do you work with that guy? How do you work with a man full of rage and anger and hostility? And he's dirty. And I say, I can see through that thick, fucking, disgusting crust and see a kind of human.
And yours is so thick, I can't see through it. That's who you really are.
And you always result to meanness. Ladies and gentlemen, I am, of course, the best Tito.
I am the best Tito because I'm the one that has actual experience and the fact he's never lived in our house. He's never been a Tito.
I am a Tito. I'm the one that's actually done it.
I have two nieces and I'm a great Tito. I give them gifts.
I'm the one that's taken to San Francisco. I'm the one that takes a cabanero sauce.
Oh, San Francisco. The most dangerous city in the United States.
Melrose, that restaurant that you really liked? I got you cabanero that night. Cut his mic.
Okay. Final question.
The most important of all. You live in a cage, huh? Interesting.
A lot can be learned from how others judge you. So can you please Take your phones out And open your Uber app Please tell America What your rating is Okay Okay What's your Go ahead Tito Bob What's your rating on Uber On Uber What is it?

4.88.

4.88.

Yeah.

My Uber rating is...

4.89.

I swear it's 4.89.

That's fine.

That's fine. And there you have it.
There I swear it's 489. That's fine.

And there you have it. There I have it.
Okay. Now we have Rudy here to decide who is the best Tito.
Put your phone down. Hi.
Oh, sorry. Hold on.
Sorry. I don't want to interrupt.
This is real interesting. I think both of you just kept screaming at each other.

There weren't a lot of points taken.

You have to choose one.

But I think...

You have to choose one. No, I can't.

You have to choose one.

How are those sandals that you're wearing?

The new ones, they're comfortable, right?

You have to choose one.

Or that knife.

Remember that cool knife I got you?

Or that framed art behind you.

You have to choose one.

This is hard.

It doesn't matter.

You have to choose one right now.

The choice is clear.

Do you want to sleep in your bed tonight?

Be honest.

Just answer.

There's no consequences.

Okay.

I think Tito Andrew is really nice.

And I'm very grateful to know him.

I know where this is going.

But I think Tito Bobby wins. Take off the shoes.
Take off the shoes! Best Tito. Well, as you see, I'm not far off because I'm the best other Tito.
I got a little hostile. Cheers.
Cheers, my friend. Cheers to the best Tito.
May the best Tito ask one. You want a cabinet position? I would love one.
Okay. But you know what I want to do? Transportation.
How about removal of people? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Removal of people is fine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got to get rid of some people.
Yeah, that's true. That is true.
That is true. Hey, I appreciate the honesty.
You did a great job. I'll tell you why mine's a 48.
I know why. Mine is.
The first time I ever did Uber, I didn't know how it worked, right? And I didn't tip the person through my app. They don't – that's not why they rated you low.
Yeah. Really? Yeah.
I got rated low because – I got rated low. The first one, like a zero or something, and I i'm like what i gave a friend you know how you i called an uber for a friend yeah and he threw up in their car okay and uber charges you a puke fee right yeah so the next day he by the way it was a friend it's it's a guy from back home he doesn't tell me i i don't he doesn't tell me that he threw up yeah i think he took the uber home and he was fine right i called him the uber because we were still staying out well i get a charge on my hundred dollars and it says damage to vehicle so i contact uber i said damage to vehicle because i had taken an uber later and i was like how i took one to the airport what did i do to the car this is a lot that guy's a liar yeah and he goes yeah well there's throw up in the car and it's a cleanup fee it's a mandatory fee that we charge you automatically and i said i never threw up in the car finally it clicks i call my buddy i'm like do you throw up in the car he's like yeah dude i'll venmo you and i was like why wouldn't you tell me and he was like i i just i figured is that a game changer for you with that friendship we're not friends anymore no be real we're not friends anymore because of that event yeah yeah you threw up and you didn't tell me? That's so lame.
Why wouldn't you just be like, my bad? I have forgiveness. No, not today.
It ruined my rating. I had such a...
You gotta be real. No, be real.
I was in the four nines. No, you being real right now.
I swear to God of my life. It's a real story.
You're literally not friends with him anymore. We don't talk.
Right. Don't throw up and not tell me that's so fucked up.
Because what if I... Why? It's not money it's not money.
It's just like, that's not, that's not cool. So then I got a bad rating.
I contacted the driver personally through Uber in the email. And I was like, hey man, that was my friend.
This isn't me. So please, can you change my rating? He's like, no, you can't change the rating.
Once it's changed. Once I already gave you a star, it doesn't matter.
Yeah. And then he wrote an email.
Don't let your friends use your Uber. That's what he said.
I was being nice and I gave someone a ride because they were like, oh, I don't have Uber on my phone. So I gave him an Uber.
When a friend does something, right, that's a little weird to me, like really weird. Like that? No.
It completely ruins the friendship. Like I went out to eat with a friend of mine and I said, it's my Right? Yeah It's cool And then he ate half a salad What? Yeah he ate half of a salad And he tells the waiter He goes Don't charge me for that It was terrible No Yeah You ate it You pay Yeah but I looked at him And I went Dude don't worry about it I'm paying for it He's like no no no Dude You can't pay for that That's He didn't mean a stink of it And I just thought to myself don't worry about it.
I'm paying for it. He's like, no, no, no.
Dude, you can't pay for that.

He didn't make a stink of it.

And I just thought to myself, oh, we're done.

Yeah.

That's a cheap guy.

I can't do it.

How much was the salad?

Ten bucks?

What it could have been?

Yeah, it was just the act of it.

That's what I'm saying.

Like, how cheap?

I don't like it.

Have you lost friends like that from a lot of other stuff?

Mm-hmm.

What else?

I'm trying to become friends with this guy again. Mm-hmm guilty about it but he does one thing that really bothers me what is it he because we were kids we grew up together right right so he does this thing where he touches me and run away what like a child like a child playing tag yeah and then i have to touch him and i run away right well? Well, you participate.
I know, but it doesn't matter. It's like if I don't – like if he touches me, right, and he runs away and I don't chase after him, he will touch me again.
Until you chase him. Until I chase him.
So then eventually it will get to a point where I – oh, fuck. You know, it's always after dinner.
When does it end? It just goes back and forth. And then in my mind, I got to win.
So him and I just running around in a fucking parking lot. I'm in my 40s, running around in a parking lot.
He's hiding behind a fucking dumpster. He climbs the fucking fence and I tag his shoe.
Then I run the other way and he chases me. It's a fucking nightmare.
This sounds like you're just upset because you don't win. No.
It's like I don't want to do this game anymore. But you do because you participate.
Because he touches me first. So you do want to play the game.
I need the last touch. So don't touch me at all.
So you do play the game. If he starts it, he starts it every fucking time.
He starts the game every fucking time. But you just don't want to lose.
That's what it is. Once he touches me, the game is on.
Right? But if he didn't touch me, shaking hands is one thing, but that's not how he goes. He'll go, and he'll run.
He'll hit you a little bit. Yeah, like that, right? Like, we're starting now, right? How old is he? And I want to go, I'm on TV.
I don't do that anymore. Yeah, you do.
Yeah, but I still do. How old is he? Same age? Yeah, I grew up together.
Two guys almost 50 playing tag. Yeah, 50 playing tag.
Can I tell you something? Yeah. Something sweet about that.
It's something gay about it, too. Why? Do you guys kiss at the end? Is that how you know who wins? No, but do you understand how that would bother one? I guess, but I have friends that I grew up with that...
You have that old game that you play. Yeah.
Yeah. I still...
I have a photo I can show you that when we were like i hang out with old friends and then they say something like you know remember martin coit they're like what and when you were 12 you know i mean you know i mean like somebody threw a rock on your shoulder you cried yeah but it's like an experience yeah it's like yeah i remember martin coit who gives a fuck and they're like wasn't that crazy yeah it was crazy it's like 30 years. I don't give a fuck.
I have a friend that I always hit in the nuts. We always hit each other in the nuts.
Yeah, you hate it, right? I do, but I choke him. I always choke him.
I really love it. I get behind him.
I choke him from behind. If we're walking to another bar or restaurant, I'll always sneak up behind him and I'll put him in a choke.
Do you like that old shit though or no? It feels good when I can choke him.

Because you can't do that to other adults now.

And that's only with friends that you grew up with. You can't do that

to new friends. And I'll tell you another thing that

kind of bothered me when I'm going to do it.

Remember that band that kicked me out? Yeah.

They're going back together. Laxton? Yeah.

Laxton Supreme is making a fucking comeback?

Yeah. Why don't we make a band and compete with them?

No, they invited me back. Can I go?

But I'm thinking, are you using my notoriety to... No, they would never.
Maybe not, huh? I'd do it. No, of course they're using your notoriety, you bozo head.
I'll do it, huh? No. Are they cool still? Yeah.
Do you talk to any of them? Yeah. Have you been keeping up with all of them? No.
No. But they text me.
Why don't we form a band? Why don't you and I form a band? What kind of music, though? The Bad Friends Band. Rudy, can you play anything? No.
She can sing. I've seen you sing.
Will you sing a little something for us? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't sing.
I can't sing. I can't sing.
Can I say something? Here's the deal. You either sing or you're off the show forever.
All right. So she had to audition for some sort of school.
Look at her. School play? School play.
All right, so. Oh, rude.
What was the play? Something Rotten. Right, yeah.
Oh. So the whole family, it was like Christmas or something, the whole family was in the house.
We're talking about, why are you laughing? Because it's embarrassing. It's not embarrassing.
About 20 people, right? Okay people right okay and somebody mentions Jules you have that audition coming up she's like what now what and we're like yeah do it yeah sing the song and then we all kind of gather together on the couch so mean I know and she walks in front of everybody she starts singing and then halfway during it, just her eyes bulge out.

She's just committing to the song.

Tears coming down her eyes,

shaking.

Why are you crying, Jules?

I don't know.

I just cried.

Wait, were you emotionally hurt or upset?

No, I don't.

Are you upset now?

No.

Oh.

What's the song?

What is it?

Lumineers by...

No.

The band is the Lumineers.

Yeah, yeah.

Lumineers.

Yeah.

You sing it now?

Yeah, will you sing it now?

No!

Yeah, you sing it now?

You sing it now?

What's the song?

What's the name of the song?

Before and after?

I won't if you sing it together.

Yeah, we will. What's it called? When we sing it together? What's it called? Ophelia's the one that What's the name of the song? Before and after? I won't if we sing it together.
Yeah, we will.

What's it called?

We sing it together?

What's it called?

Ophelia's the one that goes, uh-uh, girlfriend.

Dead Sea.

Dead Sea.

Okay.

Well, you have to sing the...

Okay, how about we'll play the...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You do first, I do second, she does third verse.

You ready?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Start from the top.

Ready?

I headed west, I was a man on the move. You're next.
I thought you were reading the whole thing. You're reading the whole fucking thing.
Oh, wait. So it goes, I headed west, I was a man on the move.
New York had lied to me. No, sing it.
Just sing it. Oh, I needed someone, needed someone I could try.
Is that the same thing? Yes. I don't gamble, but I do bet on us.
Yeah, you're perfect. I headed west, I was the man on the move.
New York had lied to me, I needed the truth. Oh, I needed something, someone I could trust.
I don't gamble, but if I did, I would bet on us. Like the Dead Sea told me I was dead like the Dead Sea you'll never sink when you are with me oh lord oh lord like the Dead Sea yeah yeah okay I'm like the Dead Sea.
Yeah, yeah. Okay.
I'm like the Dead Sea. The finest words you ever said to me.
Honey, can't you see? I was born to be your Dead Sea. Wow! We're making a band! How hard is that? We're making a band! It's not hard.
That was so good. You're about to cry again? No, but my throat is very tight.
That's our band name. My throat is very tight.
Yeah, yeah. Rudy, you're really good.
Yeah? You want to do the whole thing? No. Please.
Oh, please. It was so good.
Yeah. You told me you were good at running away.
Domestic life, it never sued you. So did you like a suitcase? I don't know the tone.
You left with just the clothes on your back. You looked at this when you took the map.
Yes, there are times we live for somebody else. Your father died and you decided...
I think she's out. I think she's out.
Okay. I think she's out.
Oh, then you're out of the band. Yeah.
Because we're trying our best here to make a band. But here's the thing, rude, Julie, is that you sang it in front of the house, in front of 10 people.
You just sang it in front of just now. How many people are listening? Hundreds of thousands.
Hundreds of thousands of people. Yeah.
Now, can you do it in Christmas, do you think? This Christmas? Yeah, I think so. You can? When she did it was so heartbreaking.
When she cried. Oh, I was going to say, the song was beautiful.
She had to be whisked away. You know how they do that? Come here, sweetie, and the girls whisk them away into her room.
Yeah. And I'm like smoking, giggling.
So mean. Yeah, yeah.
Like, ha, ha, ha. You know what I mean? It should have been Steve Harvey at the Apollo where they pull the cane.
You know, when she's like, get your ass off stage. And they just pull her back.
So we're forming a band. That's it.
You guys comment below on what you want the band to be called because we're starting a band the Bad Friends Band you're not going back to Laxton we're starting a new band have you watched the Comedy Central documentary about the Comedy Store? Showtime documentary about the Comedy Store yeah I have is it good? yeah yeah it's pretty powerful they did some great stuff I smoked a smoke smoke I spoke to Mike Binder today about it, who created it, literally. What do you say? I mean, you know, it's just we kind of went into the depths of like it was wild about how Sam Kinison really died.
For young people that don't know who Sam Kinison was or you do if you're a comedy fan. It's a sham.
Well, look, no, no, no. I shouldn't say young.
Some people don't know. Some people are older and don't know who he was.
But Kinison had died. I heard two different versions of the story, and I told Mike this today.
I said, you know, I had heard two versions of the story that Kinnison had gotten clean and was going to do the gig in Laughlin, Nevada. And spoiler alert, he dies.
He got hit. He tried to pass a truck in an 18-wheeler, and he got smoked head on, and he died and his wife lived.
Carl LeBeau was there. Okay carl lebow tells the story in the documentary which i highly recommend and i'm not blowing anything because it's known that kinnison died with carl but carl's perspective was interesting because that he told kind of the opposite which was no he was still getting fucked up he was still using coke heavily still drinking still being irresponsible um and carl lebow tells the moment that Kinison died died in his arms yeah and i gotta tell you it's on the documentary i highly suggest watching it it's it's extremely powerful because it's simple he's telling it you can tell he's not hyperbolizing the story there's no lies you can tell he's saying it like literally what happened he was looking away from him he said his eyes looked like they were at the sky and it kept saying you're gonna be okay buddy you're not you're not gonna die because he kept saying i don't want to die right now yeah and he said what are you talking you're not gonna die and he goes i realized he wasn't talking to me he was looking straight up in the sky oh my god and he was talking to somebody else oh my god and he reiterated the way he says it and he said when he snapped back into reality he could hear cars and ambulances and his wife crying and he said it took a lot for me to forgive him but the thing i never knew what carl above told me or told us was yes he was still getting fucked up he wasn't sober he hadn't reached that point which was a lie publicly people thought he was and also carl above's daughter yeah that's the most shakespearean well can i finish it for the fans? Yeah.
But I just want to – can I just throw in my – it's Shakespearean? Let this go real quick. Karlobove's daughter turned out not to be his daughter.
It was Sam Kinison's. His best friend was sleeping with his wife on drugs.
She got pregnant, had the kid. They never were able to talk about it.
So imagine your friend. Imagine I knock up Kalilah.
I would know. How? The baby comes out all redheaded and freaky looking.
Oh, you don't think you could have a redheaded baby? Yeah, it's gonna have fucking bushy eyebrows and angry. It's gonna cry like that.
Imagine a redheaded Filipino kid. How bad would he get beat up? If I saw red hair on that baby, I might go to prison.
Why killing the baby? I might throw it across the street Yeah, but they're resilient, they can bounce You think we haven't been thrown out of windows before? It would be devastating I'm going to tell you this right now If I had a baby And it came out with a little red head And I asked Kalilah, is that Andrew's baby? And she said, yeah, right? I would literally probably kill you. Why? It would be great for the show.
All right. The numbers are good? The numbers are good.
No, because Carl, see Carl, you know, when I came to the comedy store, him and I became instant friends. Yeah, I've heard he's a good dude.
Yeah, in fact, he used to like, him and his, at the time he was dating this, an ex-waitress from the comedy store. Yeah.
And they would invite me to his house. I was like, kind of like an open mic-er almost.
Yeah, like today. And they would make food, right? And then when I made some money, I helped him get his teeth fixed.
Oh, really? Yeah. What, because he had messed up teeth? One day he was talking and it smelled like shit.
And I said, um.

So mean.

It just smelled like pure dog shit.

That's so mean, Bob.

It didn't smell good.

He had rotting teeth?

Yeah.

And I go, oh, man, what the fuck?

Is that shit?

Did you eat shit for lunch? Yeah.

And he goes, no, man, I just have this hole and it hurts so bad.

And he goes, I, And he goes I asked Roseanne

for some money and she wouldn't give me any for my teeth.

She's like a hundred million dollars.

How much is it? And he's like

$2,500. And he paid me back

but I gave him the money. That's amazing.

Because I love him so much.

He's one of my idols.

In fact Sabrina

one of Sam Kinison's

His wife.

She

one day, this actually happened

Thank you. In fact, Sabrina, one of Sam Kinison's – His wife.
Yeah.

Right.

She – one day – this actually happened because she knows I was a big Sam Kinison fan. And she comes to me and I was like – I think I just got on Matt TV or something.
And she goes – she gives me a plastic bag and I open it up. and it's just a gigantic, stinky shirt

with a cut down here like this open. I go, what is it? She's like, this is the Sam's favorite shirt that he used to perform in.
I never washed it. Wow.
And I had it on today. I found it today.
You need to frame that. I found it today.
Right. And I tried it and I looked in the mirror.
It's so big on me, right? And I, yeah, but it's ironic, coincidental that you brought that up. Yeah, that you wore a Kinnison shirt today.
Yeah. Bobby, I'm being genuine when I say this.
I'll buy you a frame, but you must frame that. I'm going to frame it.
Because that's the thing that'll just get lost on accident. You're right.
That's like – It's dope. It's not like the rooster.
Those can go. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean? Like that's the thing that I like – George Carlin gave me that. He's dead.
You get another one. Yeah, yeah.
No, it's really special. But people should watch the Showtime documentary.
It's about the comedy star if you care. I know people sometimes are like, we've already heard about it.
It's like – look, this is beautiful insight. And it's Leno, Letterman, Jim Carrey, Burr.
But Pauly yelled at me because apparently he said that I said in the documentary that the green moon smelled like his mom's pussy. Did it? I don't know, but I don't remember.
Did I say that on the documentary? I don't think I don't remember that. That's he told me that I said and he yelled at me I don't remember that

was I in it?

you are in it

okay

yeah

they said

it said resident noodle

that's what the tag said

alright that's enough

stop it

that's crazy

hi JK

thank you for being

a bad friend Yeah. Woo.
Yeah. Woo.
Yeah. Woo.
Yeah. Woo.
Yeah. Woo.
Yeah. Woo.
Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.