The Bad Friends Halloween Spooktacular!

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Speaker 1 Let's go.

Speaker 2 Oh, push you. Every fucking time.
Oh, no.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God. Oh, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 You're such a fucking brat.

Speaker 3 What do you want? I want her to ask me how I'm feeling.

Speaker 2 And how often do you genuinely ask him how he is?

Speaker 4 You make me sound like I'm the bad guy.

Speaker 3 Get closer to the mic. Don't back away.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you have to get closer to the mic so we can hear you.

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 2 Get closer to the mic.

Speaker 3 Get closer to the mic.

Speaker 3 Get closer to the mic.

Speaker 3 Get closer.

Speaker 3 Get closer to the mic. Don't go away.

Speaker 3 Talking to the mic.

Speaker 2 Just keep your mouth right where the mic is.

Speaker 3 Closer to the mic.

Speaker 3 Closer to the mic. Get closer to the mic.

Speaker 5 Get closer to the mic, dude. Talking to the mic.

Speaker 5 Talking to the mic.

Speaker 3 Um,

Speaker 3 boo-boo.

Speaker 2 Happy Halloween.

Speaker 3 Get closer to the bike.

Speaker 3 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 3 We're bad friends. Trigger tree, trigger tree.
They're not the twig to we. I like the dating clean and daddy local.
Trigger tree, trigger tree. I'll turn the canopy.

Speaker 2 So, Andrew, at your age, do you still celebrate Halloween? Look at me. I'm 37.
I'm dressed up. I know, but does it...

Speaker 2 Now, how do you feel when you do it? I feel good.

Speaker 2 Really? I love dressing up. I love when the kids come into my neighborhood and they want candy.

Speaker 2 Last year, I handed out 50 bags. 50 bags.
You got to be kidding me. All Mexican kids, too.

Speaker 2 All Mexicans came to my neighborhood. I have never

Speaker 2 ever bought a bag of candy for Halloween.

Speaker 2 You don't let kids come trick-or-treat to your door?

Speaker 2 I put apples. You're a turd.
Put razor blades in there.

Speaker 2 No. I've never bought any candy.
Yeah. Because I've always lived in an apartment, which is, I think that's the reason why I got.
No, I know. This is my first house.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I did it last year for the first time. I never have done it before.
Right. But that's why I loved living in an apartment because you didn't have to do that shit.
No, see, I love it.

Speaker 2 I was on the third level, right? Tucked away in the corner. Tucked away in the corner.
No one came. This year, we got the house, right?

Speaker 2 I go, turn off the lights, turn off all the lights. We're not home.
Really? Yeah, and we just sat on the couch until the wee hours of the night. That's so mean.
Why? Because those kids want candy.

Speaker 2 It's bad. It gives them diabetes.
Yeah. Right?

Speaker 2 It's not healthy for them. So?

Speaker 2 Vitamins, maybe. I'll look in vitamins and some zinc, maybe.
Look who's talking. You smoke and you drink Red Bull.
I know. So who cares? I also bought you a...
Look at that.

Speaker 2 Okay, you just bought me

Speaker 2 my favorite candy.

Speaker 2 It's a tub of

Speaker 2 candy corn. Candy corn.
It's my favorite one. Do you like candy corn, Jules? I've never tried.
Oh, give it. Slide that bucket to me.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So do you know, you know, these are, this is an American tradition. I fucking hate these things.
People like... Did I defend them? Let me do my case first.
Go ahead. I hate these.
They're disgusting.

Speaker 2 Usually old people really like them

Speaker 2 because they're like easy to chew. There's no crunch.
There's no crackle. There's no snapple.
There's no pop.

Speaker 2 You always can find these at an old white person's house here in the United States during this time of year, and they'll be in a glass bowl of a grandma's in a kitchen, and they're there for months after because no one likes this shit.

Speaker 2 So I want you to try some candy corn.

Speaker 2 All right, Jules.

Speaker 2 What's the verdict?

Speaker 2 It has a weird taste. Yes, it does.
Okay. He loves them.
Go ahead and defend them, you psycho. Weirdos love this.
I know. Weirdos.
Can I defend them? Yeah. All right.
Number one,

Speaker 2 perfect size.

Speaker 2 Yeah, for you. For you, you.
No, no, no. For the mouth.
Well, because you're a limited number of teeth, you can't crunch through candy. I get that.
No, no, no, no, no. They're mashable.
No. Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay. That's rude.
Fact. All right.
Number two, right? My favorite colors.

Speaker 2 Orange, like me. I love orange, right? I love yellow, like me.
You, right. And then I love white people.
Look at that. Like you, like you.
Okay. So I like the colors.

Speaker 2 And now, when I first ate a candy corn when I was a kid. Do you remember? Yeah, I do.
I remember, you know, putting it in my mouth.

Speaker 2 I was at some old white person's house, my friend Craig's grandfather's house. He had it in a white jar.
Yeah. I ate it.
I went, wow, I hate it. Right? He goes,

Speaker 2 hey,

Speaker 2 hopsing. Because back then you could say stuff like that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You still can. Yeah.
Hey, little hopsing. Hey, noodles.
You don't get it yet. It'll grow on you.

Speaker 2 And I go, okay.

Speaker 2 And then one day i realized when i ate it because and this is after i had probably a variety of thousands of different kinds of candies yeah but this is like um

Speaker 2 it's very simple right yeah it doesn't try to it doesn't try to deceive you with fancy flavorings you know what i mean you know how you you get like a um

Speaker 2 you know, a Gatorade or a Starburst or whatever. They have fancy names, you know what I mean? Yeah.
Cool blue. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Natron green. You know what I mean? Nitro green.

Speaker 2 Lightning. No.
And then you taste it. It's like a weird flavor.
This is pure sugar. Yeah.
And that, at the end of the day,

Speaker 2 is what I want. Just confectionery, sugar.
A sweet, perfectly shaped, you know what I mean, item. Yes.
Just directly put in my toothless mouth. And that's going to just make more toothless teeth.

Speaker 2 It doesn't matter. So I'm a big candy corn freak.
You love candy corn. I love them.
I want people to tell us from home, the fans, if they like candy corn.

Speaker 2 Jules, you still don't like like it, but you want another one? No. Okay, good.
See, she hates it. See,

Speaker 2 some people taste it and they go, I don't know if I like it. And you eat a few more and you go, maybe.

Speaker 2 I can't stand them. I can't stop.
Well, I put them over my

Speaker 2 eyes. I was thinking on the car right over here

Speaker 2 of

Speaker 2 the three big

Speaker 2 Halloween, like,

Speaker 2 you know, the movies that they've made. You know,

Speaker 2 the icons. You have Frankenstein.

Speaker 2 You have the Werewolf Man.

Speaker 2 The Werewolf Man? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What movie is that?

Speaker 2 The Werewolf. Which one?

Speaker 2 John.

Speaker 2 John the Werewolf. I don't know.
There's a name. What werewolf movie are you talking about?

Speaker 2 Well, is it a werewolf?

Speaker 2 Okay, first of all, there's been Teen Wolf with Michael J. Fox.
Yeah, no, not that one. Phenomenal film.
Not that one. Didn't like Court McCowan in it.

Speaker 2 Werewolves of London? Yeah, something like that.

Speaker 2 Werewolves, right, are a thing that people watch. Sure.

Speaker 2 And then you have Frankenstein. Yeah.
Right? They're also.

Speaker 2 What about the new generation, like Halloween, Friday the 13th?

Speaker 2 Just talk about the three first.

Speaker 2 The three most famous Halloween movies? No.

Speaker 2 The icons of old Hollywood. Yeah.
Those things.

Speaker 2 Vampires. Frankenstein.
Frankenstein and the werewolf. Invisible man is one.
The Invisible Man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. So these movies are really sticking out to you.

Speaker 2 You remember these so well. Yeah.
The bit that I had is going away from the bit that I had. Well, just do the bit.
Right? And now it's like we railroaded into this area. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 What are the most famous,

Speaker 2 what are the most famous. This is not what I wanted.
Stop doing this.

Speaker 2 Whatever you're doing right now, this is not what I wanted. My intentions.
I knew it was going to backfire on you. Huby Halloween, first of all.

Speaker 2 Adam Sandler's new movie, Hubie Halloween, is the most famous Halloween movie of all time.

Speaker 2 Period. Oh, God.

Speaker 2 I'll just tell you the bit I was going to go into. Do it.
Right. Out of the three, which one would you be the pros and cons of it? That's all.
And then it went into another area.

Speaker 2 Let's try it again. Let's try it.
Let's try it. You ready?

Speaker 2 You ready?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I just didn't know how to get into it.

Speaker 2 What are these Halloween movies that... What a werewolf, the werewolf? They're the iconic fucking Halloween characters.
Frankenstein, the werewolf, and vampires. Yeah.
You would be Frankenstein. No.

Speaker 2 You'd be the werewolf.

Speaker 2 No, I was wanting to talk to you about each one of what the pros and cons of you are. Well, give them to me.
Give them to me, baby. No, I was going to ask you it, but it's like, not even.

Speaker 2 You have candy corn on your chin.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 Nightmare Before Christmas is one of my favorite. I don't even know what that is.
I don't even want to know what it is. Tim Burton.
You do know what it is.

Speaker 2 But it doesn't, right? What I'm saying to you, right? This is Halloween.

Speaker 2 This is Halloween. Halloween.
Halloween. Halloween.
Halloween. I've always loved Halloween.
One of my favorite holidays because it's right around my birthday. It's right after my birthday.

Speaker 2 It incorporates a lot of orange, me, a lot of spooky stuff, skeletons. I dressed up one time as a kid, and what happened was I got expelled from school in middle school.

Speaker 2 My friend Alan Meadows and I dressed up as black people, and we got expelled.

Speaker 2 Did you blackface? We did blackface. And we brought Afros, right? What did you, what happened?

Speaker 2 I don't know what we were. What did you use for the blackface? I'm always curious.
Shoe, shoe? Shoe polish. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I remember going to the principal's office, and this is in 1960s. Early 80s, 80s, early 80s.
And then I remember them saying, the principal going, you can't do that, guys.

Speaker 2 What color was he? He was white. And I go,

Speaker 2 and my only thing was, there's no black people in our school. Yeah, it's Poway.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he's like, it doesn't matter. But you're like, but it does, because they won't know.
They won't know. It's like, you know, if I.
If a tree yells the N-word in the woods, does anybody hear it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So since then, I was just like, yeah, I just don't know how to choose right.

Speaker 2 No, you do. Also, I was going to bring in some stuff that I found at the Halloween store.
You know, it's so funny. It's like, you couldn't cancel Halloween costumes because they're not.

Speaker 2 I feel bad by it. By the way, no, you don't.
You were young. Yeah, I was a kid.
I didn't know any better, and I feel bad about it. But I wore a ninja costume, and my mom

Speaker 2 and my mom put tape on my eyes to put my eyelids down. Yeah? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, did it. Well, why would

Speaker 2 but that let me just say, first of all, you're making an assumption that all

Speaker 2 ninjas are Asian. They are.
Not all of them. Name a white guy.
American ninja. You ever see the movie? Gymcada.
They're white people.

Speaker 2 Shut up. There are white ninjas.
All the famous ninjas are Asian. Yeah, I'm just saying.
Bruce Lee. Jackie Chan.
I know, but it's like saying, like,

Speaker 2 all Italians own pizza restaurants. A good amount of them.
I don't know a black guy that runs one. Rarely.
Very good.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? It's going to be bad. I know.
My point is that some stereotypes. You don't have to go all the way and put the fucking tape your phone.
Yeah, you do. You do? Yeah, but you can.

Speaker 2 Did you paint your face yellow too, then? A little bit.

Speaker 2 A little bit. I poisoned myself and I had a little bit of jaundice, so I looked a little bit yellow.
Yeah, and then let me ask you this. Did you do an accent? Of course.
Of course you did.

Speaker 2 You love doing that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you love doing it.

Speaker 2 You love doing it.

Speaker 2 They try to cancel costumes every year, but how? How could you cancel costumes? They're all, you could find something wrong with all of them, with everything they represent.

Speaker 2 How is this not racist towards fucking leprechauns? Not a real thing. They're making fun of tiny Irish people.
So how is this not racist? That should be racist because

Speaker 2 Irish people were oppressed. Dude, everything, every costume, the reason it's funny is because it's joking about a stereotype.
That's why it's funny.

Speaker 2 That's why there was a fucking section at the Halloween store. They had a, it said voodoo stuff, and it was bones through the nose,

Speaker 2 like necklaces with saber tooths on it,

Speaker 2 shaman sticks to shake and give you a small head and stuff like that.

Speaker 2 How is that? What's the difference at some point? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's ridiculous to even try to cancel costumes. You can't.
Yeah, but you can't, like, for instance, I bet you money you can't now wear a headdress.

Speaker 2 There was still Native American stuff there. There was tons of it.
I was at the

Speaker 2 club in Edmonton. There's a mall.
I don't know if you've been to that mall. Rick a thousand times.
Rick Bronson's room? Dude, that's that's first of all.

Speaker 2 First of all, shout out to the Bronson family who was so loving and checked in on me the whole time. They also headlined me before I was ever ready.
Yeah, I love that. They're the best.

Speaker 2 They're the best. They're the best.
But yes, the West Edmonton Mall. Right.
So

Speaker 2 there was like a photograph. You know, what are those old-timey photograph things that you can go?

Speaker 2 What do you mean? When you just walk, there's like a, like it's a store, but it's really a studio. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You have that old-timey backdrop. You know what I mean? Yeah.
And they only had cowboys and Indians. Right.
Right? so i go

Speaker 2 i don't really i i think i identify more as an indian the way i look i'm not gonna wear a cowboy outfit and take the photo there were asian cowboys though

Speaker 2 no yeah they were who they were asian cowboys no it god in the old west right there were no asian cowboys what they were were they were in the world they owned the opium dens yeah laundry mats right and stuff like that and they were the dynamic detail when as a real you don't think one or two of those guys got on a horse put on a hat?

Speaker 2 That's the only way, but it's like they didn't ride like regular horses. They probably rode like

Speaker 2 that. What are you doing in this part of town, Chang? Yeah, but there was never any,

Speaker 2 I think because Asians are so like,

Speaker 2 not submissive is not the right word, but they like to, no, just hear me. I think that's the right word.
I don't think it is, right? They like to, um, they don't want to be seen, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and they want to acclimate themselves and just blend in and cause no trouble, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 So I think that's why you never saw like just a bunch of Asians hanging from trees, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 What do you mean? What are you talking about? Well, back in the day, right, if we were loud and boisterous kind of people,

Speaker 2 we would get hung a lot and beat up a lot. You never read about that.
But the Asians, they hid. No, we were like, you know, right this way, Mr.
Johnson. Right?

Speaker 2 In any job that we had back then, it was always like, come, please come in. You know what I mean? It was never like, come in, get over here.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You smoke the opium, relax. Yeah, right.
Relax.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much, China, China. Right? And they would smoke and relax.
Okay, Mr. Johnson, you feel good.
I'll come back. You want a gin tea? Right? Yeah.
And they were like that, laundry, right?

Speaker 2 Come on, bring your bring your dirty boy in here. Ah, Korean.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 It's always a kind. Very sweet.
Yeah. So there were no Asian cowboys.
Yeah, we were just, you know, in either the food industry or railroad industry. Yeah.
You know, ching, ching.

Speaker 2 That's where it comes from. What? Ching,

Speaker 2 ching.

Speaker 2 Ching. Oh, yeah.
Railroads. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That makes sense. Wow.
We just came up with that. Never thought of that.
Yeah. But like other, like the Irish would complain about their backs.

Speaker 2 First of all, the Irish were, and the same token. The Irish were blue-collar slaves.
They worked for no money. I understand that.

Speaker 2 They had to become thieves, a lot of them, because they couldn't get work. There's old signs you see that say Irish need not apply.
I don't know why

Speaker 2 they hated the Irish so much.

Speaker 2 Because I guess they thought they were useless.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 You know, another race that's like that. But I love the Irish.

Speaker 2 Our nationality is

Speaker 2 the Polish. Right.

Speaker 2 Like back in the day, like you would get, you know what I mean, how many Polish people did it take to

Speaker 2 Churuna Light Bulb, right? I don't know what the punchline is. 10,000 because they're so fucking retarded.
That's the punchline.

Speaker 2 Or whatever. Right.
Right? You'd be like, as a kid, you'd listen to go, and you wouldn't find it funny because you don't really get that stereotype. Yeah.
But then you watch Polish people now, right?

Speaker 2 Like Johanna Yankchekczek. Yacevcek kid.
You know who she is? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she's beating the shit out of people, like, you know what I mean? And she's a bright girl. Yeah.
No, I don't, that came from this old, like, I'm from Chicago.

Speaker 2 Chicago has a higher population of Polish people than Warsaw. That's a fact.
Happened years ago. And when I was a kid, used to hear it.
So the slang, the racial epithet is, they'd say Polak.

Speaker 2 That's what they call Polish people. And when you're a kid, you hear it, you don't understand why they make fun of Polish people.
And then you get older and you still don't.

Speaker 2 I don't get it. I don't know what it is.
I think it's like a...

Speaker 2 You just can. I don't know.
But where did that come from, though? I think because maybe

Speaker 2 Stefano, we should ask him. Maybe Russians, maybe Russians,

Speaker 2 the beef between Russia and Poland, maybe Russians looked down on them and they took that to America. I have no idea.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 The joke in Chicago always was that Polish guys, like, they never finished anything all the way, or they did cheap or labor that was like

Speaker 2 because a lot of them worked in construction or worked on work contract. I didn't get it when I was a kid, but it was thrown around a lot.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 it questions all kind of these stereotypes that don't make any really sense. Yeah, they just, just, well, they say the standard one, too, in LA would be maybe,

Speaker 2 you know, I mean, everybody's gay. No, Mexicans are lazy.
See, that's a weird old phrase that I think was taken from like the cartoon era of like, uh,

Speaker 2 but then you see that. Remember Speedy Gonzalez's best friend?

Speaker 2 Right. Remember his remember his best friend? What was his name? Speedy Gonzalez's best friend.
Oh, yeah, yeah. He was always like, Speedy,

Speaker 2 Sleepy Bean. Sleepy Bean.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah,

Speaker 2 and that was was like this weird perception that like that there was a lazy idea. No,

Speaker 2 they're the polar opposite. I don't think I've, I don't think I know, I don't think I've ever not seen a Mexican guy either working or looking for work or just getting off a job.

Speaker 2 Or like, you know what I mean? What do you do for a living? Well, I've got 15 jobs. Yeah, all of them.
And you're like, oh, fuck. I'll do anything you need me to do.
Yeah, yeah. And it's like.

Speaker 2 Who's the laziest people then?

Speaker 2 I don't think a people is lazy. A type is lazy.
What's the type of person? Yeah, what are you?

Speaker 2 I think I'm entitled, fat, you know what I mean? This is great. Small.
Yep. Right.

Speaker 2 Type of person. So entitled, fat, spoiled people.
Yeah. They're lazy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But you weren't the son of a billionaire.

Speaker 2 So you're entitled for someone that didn't.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 my therapist said was

Speaker 2 that I,

Speaker 2 because I struggled so hard as a comedian and was so broke for so long,

Speaker 2 that once I

Speaker 2 once I got stuff yeah right I just became entitled really quickly that's true I worked so hard you know I mean but that's wrong because they can take it all away they did take it away and then you humble yourself and then it can go away again they that those

Speaker 2 times is when you humble yourself lose the entitlement no it's you're gonna keep it I can't wait for the entitlement you you you do it now I know I'm in a good I'm in an up swing

Speaker 2 I'm in an up swing but when things start disappearing I'll become humble Bob again. Humble Bob.
Yeah, yeah. Do you really believe? Do you believe in any of the stuff that I get into like this?

Speaker 2 Because I love Halloween. Do you believe in ghosts and ghouls and spirits? No, I think it's.

Speaker 2 You don't believe in any kind of apparition or spirit or... You believe in anything.
I mean, we talked about ghosts. I grew up with them.

Speaker 2 I know, but you really don't believe in it.

Speaker 2 No, because

Speaker 2 I think everything can be explained by science. And also a lot of it's illusions, you know what I mean? Like, I've been driving, you know what I mean? You've been driving?

Speaker 2 I was driving in the desert once, yeah.

Speaker 2 I was going from Vegas to Barstow, yep, and I um was driving in the desert during the day and I didn't drink any water. Because you were dehydrated, I was dehydrated, but I was just driving.

Speaker 2 I remember I had to get somewhere in the heat, it was really hot, yeah. My car didn't have air conditioning.
What is that called again? A mirage when you saw mirage.

Speaker 2 And I, when I was looking in the desert and I saw

Speaker 2 these hands I'm chewing into the mic.

Speaker 2 It's fucking so gross. What? What? It's just the candy corn into the mic.
It's just.

Speaker 2 Why? What's wrong with you today? I just don't want to hear it. Yeah, but

Speaker 2 it's so small. Just swallow it whole.
Don't put candy next to me if you don't want to hear me chew it.

Speaker 2 I have a whole bucket full of fucking candy corn here, baby. Put a whole chunk in your mouth right now.
So you saw hands waving. You don't like chewing.
Swallow it. No.

Speaker 2 No. I'm chewing the whole fucking show.
You want to distribute that one gram of sugar all over your mouth as much as you can. I love flavors, baby.
I know you do.

Speaker 2 I want my whole mouth to fucking experience. So you're driving in the desert and you see hands waving and what happens?

Speaker 2 No, but my point is that I saw a bunch of hands waving like it were at a Coachella or something. Huh? Right in the distance, sticking out of the sky.

Speaker 2 Like, let's say this is the desert. They're sticking out of the, you know what I mean, like this? The horizon.
The horizon. And they're just waving their hands.

Speaker 2 I mean, I think they were going, you know what I mean, go, go to me. Crash, crash,

Speaker 2 crash. I saw a bunch of hands waving, right?

Speaker 2 So you think that's everything.

Speaker 2 That's not real. Yeah, well, that's an illusion.
But it's real to you. You've created that.
So

Speaker 2 it's still not real.

Speaker 2 It's an illusion in my mind. What's real then?

Speaker 2 Nothing, really.

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Speaker 7 Chronic spontaneous urticaria or chronic hives with no known cause. It's so unpredictable.

Speaker 2 It's like playing pinball.

Speaker 7 Itchy red bumps start on my arm, then my back,

Speaker 7 sometimes my legs. Hives come out of nowhere

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Speaker 2 Rudy Jules, do you believe in ghosts and spirits and ghouls and goblins and ghosts?

Speaker 4 Um, not really, but I'm interested in it.

Speaker 2 You are, yeah, it's nice. And yeah, oh my god,

Speaker 2 she hasn't. What are you, by the way, for Halloween? What did you put? What is this?

Speaker 4 I don't know. I forgot that it was today.
Yeah. And so I had a wig, so I just.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I knew it. I knew it.
And what are you, Bob? What did you dress up as? Sam Triple.

Speaker 2 An inside joke.

Speaker 2 No, I don't know what I. You're a wolf.
That's a wolf? What is it? I don't know what it was. What happened was we were, I go, she was in the backyard,

Speaker 2 and I go,

Speaker 2 I had just woken up. I woke up at 3 o'clock.
I know, I got the text. Right.
So I go in the backyard, and she's back there.

Speaker 2 Well, remember, okay, first of all, I want to address this real quick, okay? So, and we had a kind of an argument at the house. Can I just see if you can side with me? Yeah, of course.
Go ahead.

Speaker 2 So, um, so Kalila's best friend, it's her birthday today. Happy birthday.
Okay. I don't want to say her name because I love her, but um, so for her birthday, she want what do they want to do?

Speaker 4 Go fishing.

Speaker 2 Go fishing. At what time? 6 a.m.

Speaker 2 At Troutdale? I don't know which area of

Speaker 2 the. Oh.
So when I was, and they didn't invite me, right? Because it's at 6 a.m. No, that's not true.

Speaker 2 I think the reason why they didn't invite me is because I knew

Speaker 2 they knew that I knew that that

Speaker 2 was rude, right? Wait, what's rude?

Speaker 2 Just hear me out. Okay.
Okay.

Speaker 2 If I have a birthday,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 I'm not going to call people to go, hey, you're going to get up at five in the morning. to go to the lake to fish.
How rude is that? Well, because then my good friends would be like, all

Speaker 2 right. Your best friends would show up anyway.
Yeah, but they wouldn't like it. Yeah, but if it's something that you loved, I would do it for you.
Just if you wanted to. Yeah, but I wouldn't want.

Speaker 2 See, but that's the thing. I wouldn't want to put you through that.
Right. So I'd just be like, I'm going to go fishing.

Speaker 2 Right. That's like when I go golfing in the morning.
Right. So I was, we had a little argument today.
I'm like, you know what I mean? I just found that behavior to be rude. Okay.

Speaker 2 I don't think it's rude, but you think it's rude that they didn't ask you to go or that. I know why they didn't ask me to go.
Because I was just familiar with that.

Speaker 2 But I just think that the whole gesture was like kind of, you know,

Speaker 2 exclusive. When you go fishing, you have to get up early to go fishing.
You just have to when you're going out. I understand that.
So don't

Speaker 2 invite people.

Speaker 2 They didn't invite you. No, but they invited.
That's why the point, though. You feel left out.
No.

Speaker 2 I'm lost.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 What's rude? The fact that they didn't invite you or the fact that they wanted to go to the fish?

Speaker 2 I'm going to use the cat corn as an example. Please.

Speaker 2 Yeah. All right.

Speaker 2 This is me.

Speaker 2 Just about.

Speaker 2 All right. So this is me, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 These are all my friends.

Speaker 2 Okay. These are all the people that I consider friends.
Got it. Okay.

Speaker 2 And let's suppose I like to, for my birthday, my desire, right, is to go to... Hike the Sierra Mountains to see the waterfall.
You know, something even worse. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I like to swim, right, for some reason in a septic tank.

Speaker 2 Okay. that's just my desire.
I love it. Okay.
You're right. Okay.
I grew up in fucking Bangladesh.

Speaker 2 Nothing against people from Bangladesh, right? Right? But, like, you know,

Speaker 2 it's just something I wanted to do. You love swimming in septic tanks.
The nearest, you know,

Speaker 2 public septic tank, right? Yeah. That you can swim in.
That's legal. Right.
It is in. Is in Bakersfield.
And it only opens between 4 to 6 a.m. Got it.
Yeah, I get it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's see. This is something I enjoy doing.
right?

Speaker 2 Nobody.

Speaker 2 Nobody likes it. Okay.
Okay?

Speaker 2 They're going to hate it, right? It's disgusting, right?

Speaker 2 Now, do I go by myself? Or do I invite these? Now,

Speaker 2 95% of these people, right,

Speaker 2 won't go. But 5% will.

Speaker 2 Look at that. That's 5% will.
Now, these fuckers are.

Speaker 2 Now it's 5.30 in the morning. We're in Bakersfield in a septic tank.
And we're going, wee, wee, wee. Right? These guys right here are having the worst time of their lives.
Two, so two, two of them.

Speaker 2 It's rude. Two of them hate it.
Okay. But the other four are digging it.
All right, so they dig it. Yeah, they love it.
But what about these two right here? Fuck them.

Speaker 2 That's true.

Speaker 2 You're right. Fuck them.
Fuck them. Fuck them.
I think you're just mad you didn't get invited.

Speaker 2 You're having FOMO about something that you. They didn't invite me.
They did? They didn't. Yeah, you're mad that you didn't get invited.
Is that what it is? Yes. What is it?

Speaker 2 Rudy, why is he upset that you guys got they got into it? And Kalila's friend, she loves fishing. Does Kalila like fishing? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Do you? Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 They want to go fishing, Bob. You were one of the two candy corns.

Speaker 2 Let me ask you something, Jules. All right.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 And, you know, I can handle your betrayal. You mean? It's not betrayal.
Just listen to me because I know the truth. Okay, okay.

Speaker 2 I can handle your betrayer one or two times a week. Put the knife down.
We're just having discussion. All right.
Okay. Right.
But when it happens every day and you betray Papa Lee, right? Every day,

Speaker 2 it begins to burn a bit. All right.
And I know that because they didn't end up going this morning because it got foggy and the whole trip was canceled. Because you can't see, right? Right.

Speaker 2 And she was relieved. Who was? Jules.

Speaker 2 Why? Because you wanted to sleep some more?

Speaker 4 I didn't say I was relieved.

Speaker 2 I can tell that you were relieved, be honest.

Speaker 4 No, I was kind of excited.

Speaker 2 No, you weren't. Because I'll tell you what I heard back in the backyard.
You were excited to not go, or you were excited to go. To go.
She wanted to go.

Speaker 2 Listen to me, right? You would think that I'm not an investigative journalist?

Speaker 2 I am.

Speaker 2 You don't think that I could put facts together? Okay.

Speaker 2 I go in the backyard and I hear these girls taking, thank God that thing was canceled. Who said that Rudy did? All of them.
No. Yeah, and you were sitting there on the fucking...
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yes. Going,

Speaker 2 right? Is part of this true? No.

Speaker 2 You know, this is the betrayal and no more. Tomorrow, you don't betray me again.
That's it. That's it.
Here's another thing that she betrayed me on, right?

Speaker 2 Let me ask you something. If Jules, right, had a play.
Yeah, like a school play. A school play, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think you and I would go opening night, no? 100%. 100%.
I wouldn't miss it. Right? You as Huckleberry Finn? I love it.
Whatever, right?

Speaker 2 So, you know, I'm on that Netflix thing with Burke Reischer. Cabin.
Right?

Speaker 2 You know, a lot of people have seen it, right? Yeah, a couple million. She refuses to watch it.
Why don't you want to watch it, Jules?

Speaker 4 I didn't say I refused.

Speaker 2 But you watch everything else.

Speaker 4 I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 But you're only starting it now because I gave you shit about it last night.

Speaker 4 No, I was planning to watch it.

Speaker 2 I just forgot about it. She forgot about it.
Meanwhile, she's watching fucking gooky anime. I'm sorry.
I want to get fucking racial, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she's like doing other shit, right? Yeah. I just find it to be rude.
You know what I mean? With the lie today, the deception today, along with that Cabin thing. You really want her to watch Cabin?

Speaker 2 Do you really care? It's this. I don't think she'd like it.
Right, she won't. I understand that, but it's like my brother Steve.

Speaker 2 My brother Steve, right,

Speaker 2 doesn't know that I've been in a movie. That's okay.
Because he'll never watch it. Yeah, that's great.
What's wrong with that?

Speaker 2 Don't you think that as a family member or someone that you live with, right, every once in a while they partake in one thing no really so if i i i think whenever i do stuff i don't want any of my family to watch it that'd be that's true for me too right but i like the gesture of it like yesterday right or a couple days ago i woke up and i walked into the living room right and collateral's laughing at watching the cabin right huh i didn't ask her to watch it right it just feels good that she wants to see something that i'm in how about this if it was your show podcast no i don't give a fuck you do so many of them If it was your show, she'd watch it.

Speaker 2 But that's Bert's show, and you're one of the guys on it. That's why she's not quick to watch it.
If it was Bobby Lee's The Cabin, you'd watch it. A hundred percent.

Speaker 2 You're a featured comic on Bert's show. It's his show.

Speaker 2 No, it's not. If it was Bobby Lee's

Speaker 2 opium den in the woods, she'd watch it.

Speaker 2 I think that's the truth, don't you, Rude? Yeah. Also, we got Rudy a pumpkin to carve.
We want you to carve a pumpkin. I forgot to ask you.
You got to hop to it.

Speaker 2 That rooster, that's not my rooster, is it?

Speaker 2 What do you mean, your rooster?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 4 It's mine. Oh, it's from the house.

Speaker 2 You brought my lucky rooster here? Yeah, we want good luck here. No, who brought it? Who brought it?

Speaker 2 She did. Okay.

Speaker 2 What is the problem? She's just wanted to up her decor. I said, bring something that expresses yourself.
She brought the rooster and the creepy dead baby. Yeah, but the rooster, right, is a personal.

Speaker 2 Who is it who is it to you

Speaker 2 is it a good friend

Speaker 2 all right Jules you outline however you want but by the end of the podcast we want a dope pumpkin yes yeah

Speaker 2 what's wrong with her bringing in that rooster I don't understand you have three you have three

Speaker 2 I know

Speaker 2 where are they from

Speaker 2 those roosters right were given to me by a friend of mine right he passed away yeah oh Rudy it's a dead guy's rooster

Speaker 4 I didn't know.

Speaker 2 What did he die? I can't talk about it. Oh, no.
Is this real?

Speaker 2 No. No.

Speaker 2 I knew it in my body.

Speaker 2 Who gave you those roosters? I don't remember. You don't know where you got them.
Throw them away. No.

Speaker 2 We're going to keep them. All right, so back to my original thing from the beginning of the podcast, right? Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So I was thinking

Speaker 2 The pros and cons, if you were to have to pick, right, one of those three things to be, a Frankenstein, a werewolf, or a vampire, which one would you be?

Speaker 2 I think I would be.

Speaker 2 I just love vampire.

Speaker 2 I love vampire. I'm a creature of the night anyway.
Bingo. Okay.
Mm-hmm. The idea that I...
I love sucking on things. I love sucking on stuff.

Speaker 2 And the idea that you can... Because they get away with murder because they can transform.

Speaker 2 So I can suck someone's blood and then turn into a bat and fly away. So you never get caught.
Fashionable. Sexy as shit.
Sexy as shit. Do you think I would have been? Yes, dude.
Even as a vampire?

Speaker 2 100%. Yeah, because the clothing was so cool.
Transylvanian clothing. You never see vampires my body size, though, huh? Yeah, no, you don't see a little stocky vamp.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 We need to make a movie called The Stocky Vamp. Yeah.
A little Asian vampire. How come we don't see that? Why is that? Because

Speaker 2 they're all from Transylvania.

Speaker 2 Which is it? Which is Eastern Europe?

Speaker 2 Frankenstein would like to be.

Speaker 2 You want bolts in your neck? No, but I'll tell you why, right?

Speaker 2 It'll give me an excuse. You know, no one will ask you, hey, read this book.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 they won't.

Speaker 2 They would make it, right? Think about it, though. Yeah.
I'm Frankenstein. I don't read.
Well, you're way down.

Speaker 2 You're like one of the dumbest guys. Right.
You can.

Speaker 2 An excuse to wander around. Yeah, get lost.
Yeah, you can get lost. You just walk into a girl's changing room.
You're like,

Speaker 2 you don't have to. Yeah, yeah, you don't have to worry about fashion.
You're fucked up anyway. Well, he wears a suit and that's it, right?

Speaker 2 Oh. He wears like these torn clothing, right? Yeah, but it looked like I thought thought it was an old torn suit.
What was it? What did he used to wear? Was it anything?

Speaker 2 He used to wear a fucking three-piece suit like a fucking businessman? Was it three? Well, yeah, he was a Wall Streeter, wasn't it? Original Frankenstein was he wearing? What was it? Just rags.

Speaker 2 Was it really just rags?

Speaker 2 I just thought it was an old suit that was torn up. I guess it's just a yeah, it's a black sport coat.
It's a black, it was a black coat. It was a black, that's fashionable.
It's like from Zara.

Speaker 2 See what I mean?

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, he looks kind of fashionable. Yeah, he's dressed like in Zara.
He's dressed like

Speaker 2 nice. He looks like most LA guys.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's new LA fashion.
And look at he's got fucking... No, he's dressed like Anthony Jeselnick.

Speaker 2 Jeselnick wear that outfit. 100%.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Black shirt, black suit. It's pretty fashion.
Black suit coat. Yeah.
Big shoes. Look, this is what Gucci does now.
What all these new shoes do now. They make big-heeled shoes.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And also, he's got pretty tight jeans on. Yeah, Shelly's Frankenstein.
That's the original. OG.
OG Frankenstein. One of the funniest movies all the time, Young Frankenstein.

Speaker 2 Young Frankenstein is incredible. That's a Mel Brooks film.
That's totally different. So funny.
So fucking funny.

Speaker 2 Anybody listening to right now, it's one of the classics. Right.
If you're a young person who

Speaker 2 isn't tuned into that stuff, you should watch Young Frankenstein. You want to be a comedian.

Speaker 2 That's got to be in your repertoire.

Speaker 2 That and Doctor Strange Love. Hocus Pocus, also a good Halloween film.
I've never seen it. What?

Speaker 2 What a movie. Doctor Strange Love, is that what you just said? It's not a...
A Halloween movie, but

Speaker 2 for a comedy. Yeah.
Doctor Strangelove is great. You know what costume they had today that I I almost bought was Clockwork Orange.
They had Stanley Kubrick's Clockwork Orange characters.

Speaker 2 But I didn't want to.

Speaker 2 I thought

Speaker 2 you couldn't really tell, just suspenders. And then, like, what else? It's just a white shirt with black skin.
A ska. You know what I mean? Like with the scot.
Yeah, yeah. Maybe in the special.

Speaker 2 It's not specific enough. Yeah, it's not specific enough.
With that movie, though, man. Young Frankenstein? No.

Speaker 2 Doctor Strangelove. Oh, Clockwork Orange.
Clockwork Orange. Kubrick makes phenomenal shit.
Yeah, but that movie

Speaker 2 fucked with my head when I first saw it. When I first saw it as a kid,

Speaker 2 it fucked with my mind. Because I grew up in the suburbs with a bunch of like track homes and white people.

Speaker 2 And when you watch a movie like that,

Speaker 2 you just kind of, first of all, I thought I put time in it for a second that is this real? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like a alternative post-apocalyptic, not post-apocalyptic, it's an alternative world. It's kind of like a

Speaker 2 in the not-so-distant future, but it's not real. It's not real.
But in my mind, I'm like, is this what England's like? Kind of. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Where they have like, you know, statues and you can just drink milk on the breasts. Milco Villo sets.
Yeah, yeah. And they get, and then what did they trip on that, right? Wasn't it like.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what a great fucking movie, man. Yeah, it really was.
Yeah. That's probably one of my favorite.
What's your favorite of the newest? Do you like Friday the 13th? Do you like Jason? Uh, Halloween.

Speaker 2 Um, I think out of the newest, what hold on, hold on. Hell Ray.
Freddy Krueger. Okay, Freddy Krueger, which is, which is

Speaker 2 Nightmare on Elm Street.

Speaker 2 Friday the 13th,

Speaker 2 which is

Speaker 2 Jason Voorhees. Halloween, the series, which is Michael Myers,

Speaker 2 or Hellraiser are the, I think, are four of our generations.

Speaker 2 I think Hellraiser was the one that kind of...

Speaker 2 I think the first

Speaker 2 Friday the 13th freaked me out. No, Nightmare on Elm Street freaked me out.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But when I saw Hellraiser, I went.

Speaker 2 Because you had never seen like characters like that before. Right, it was wild as freaks.

Speaker 2 It's not really hell, it was more like a different dimension of hell or whatever. Right.
And it was like, these characters are so fucking.

Speaker 2 Can you do that quieter?

Speaker 2 Try it.

Speaker 2 Can you do it quieter, though, because I'm talking?

Speaker 2 You just hadn't seen Pinhead was something you. Are you wrestling a boar? What the fuck are you doing? It's hard.
They put a little animal in there. Do it on the desk.
You don't want...

Speaker 2 Is it no leverage? Is that why? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Can I take this off? It's hurting my brain. No.
It really hurts. It's okay.
No, it pinches. It's for the fans.

Speaker 2 Do you not care about the fans? I know, but it's affecting the way I do it. Take it off.
It's fine.

Speaker 2 Why are you so angry all the time? No, no, no. I'm just like a grown-up.
I'm not mad. I'm disappointed.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 I know. Leave it to us.

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 2 you have what.

Speaker 2 I'm going to tell you what you have. I'm going to tell you what you have.

Speaker 2 Oh, it looks so tight. There's a dent on your forehead.
I'm actually not kidding. There's two dents on your forehead because it was so tight.
It's so fucking brass. Why was that so tight?

Speaker 2 I know, know but it that's where i can show the middle camera that's what it's

Speaker 2 there's dents on your forehead i know that's what it's me up all podcast because i have this pain right here it's squeezing my brain oh dude why is that well then you should just i don't want to ruin the fucking halloween thing that you wanted to do you did a great job right but it was

Speaker 2 giving me a headache and all of a sudden now i'm splitting headache some candy corn and chill you're okay put on your headphones papa At blinds.com, it's not just about window treatments.

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Speaker 2 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 2 Look, for me, for me personally, I thought Freddy Cougar was easily the scariest because he comes in your fucking dreams.

Speaker 2 So that always panicked me out, right? Michael Myers was like just a real guy who was a murderer, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Michael Meyer was a murderer.
Jason wasn't just a regular guy, though.

Speaker 2 No, he was not. But I'm saying, Freddy was like a guy from a lake.
But Freddy lived. Yeah, he came out of the water.

Speaker 2 But Freddy lived in this alternative universe, which is why I thought it was so cool as a kid that, like, he could come in your dreams, but he could exist in your real life.

Speaker 2 But who knows if that was actually still in your dream or if it was real? That's true.

Speaker 2 That's why I thought that was such a wild concept. But here's another reason why, right, that he makes him scary.

Speaker 2 He molested.

Speaker 2 Was he a molester? Who was? Freddy Krueger?

Speaker 2 No, was he?

Speaker 2 Freddy Krueger

Speaker 2 was a Chester the Molester guy?

Speaker 2 The sweater, though, that's a molesting guy. It isn't.

Speaker 2 It does look like a molester. Yeah, to me.
Who looks like the molesting?

Speaker 2 He wasn't. It's just the sweater makes it seem like he was a molester.
Well, he always went after kids. How about that's why? Yeah, I always made the connection that he molested.

Speaker 2 You're right, actually, because he only come to kids dreams because adults can't

Speaker 2 adults don't

Speaker 2 right isn't that what it was adults don't really see him in their dreams but with Jason killed adults Michael definitely killed adults yeah yeah you're right that Freddie went after like specifically young kids young kids yeah he was a molesting vibe yeah he was a little scary about him to me which one of them which one of them seems which one of those four guys who I would like who would you friends with yeah who would you hang out with well who would be my top 10 friends on um my space yeah

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, because number one, I don't want to die. Yeah, that's why you want them on their own.
Right, so to me, like, well, obviously not Freddy, because... Yeah.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 wait. So my friend,

Speaker 2 who am I picking not to kill me?

Speaker 2 Who would I be trusted enough to be my friend? Okay, look, who would you be?

Speaker 2 Here we are, right at a dinner party. Right.
Who would invite to a dinner party? And somebody's, no, no, no. And somebody goes, Bob, I heard you're friends with Jason Voorhees.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 Well, because

Speaker 2 I'll be honest with you, right? Please. Jason helped me build a gazebo once.

Speaker 2 Well, he does have that chainsaw. Well, he has a chainsaw.
Yeah, but also I was at the lake. Right.
And I had this whim to build a gazebo. Over the overlooking the lake.

Speaker 2 Well, there's a lot of wood, right? And I'd never built one before. Right.
And I couldn't chop the tree down because at the time I was 14 years old, right? And I have the strength. Right.

Speaker 2 And so I was working on this tree all day long trying to chop it down. Right.
And all of a sudden, I hear like a little rumbling in the back.

Speaker 2 I turn around, and there's a guy there, right? With a,

Speaker 2 I thought he was,

Speaker 2 I thought it was Gordy Howe at first.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 I was in Canada. Yeah.
And I go,

Speaker 2 hey, what are you doing there, bud? Yeah, yeah. I thought it was Gordy Howe.
And I go, oh, I'm big fan. Can you, you know, and he goes, you didn't really say anything.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I

Speaker 2 say, you want to help me build a gazebo?

Speaker 2 And he's treated.

Speaker 2 was

Speaker 2 Jason a chainsaw guy or an axe?

Speaker 2 I thought Michael Myers was an axe and Jason was a chainsaw. I don't think either one of them had chainsaws.
Yes. Yeah, Jason.
No. Jason Voorhees had a chainsaw.

Speaker 2 I'm almost positive he had a chainsaw. Yeah, dude.
What do you mean? The fucking... Is he Canadian? Yeah.
Yeah. Keeping real.
No, he's from Alberta.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's from Banff National Forest. He lives off Lake Louise.
He's got a nice little bungalow there. Three-bed, three-bath.
It's on Airbnb if you'd like to rent. Keep it down.

Speaker 2 Keep it down. So, yeah, this machete was almost the most recognizable

Speaker 2 this Wisconsin. But the chainsaw was a thing.
He had a chainsaw, I think, at the very first.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Jason Voorhees. What a cool name, Voorhees.

Speaker 2 Based on something real, I think. I just don't know any better.
And Freddy Krueger, right? You say Freddy, you think, looks like

Speaker 2 a molester.

Speaker 2 You think he looks molester-y, huh?

Speaker 2 Dude, look at it. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hey, kids. Yeah.
Get in the bus, kids. Come on, I've got plenty of Snickers behind.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he does seem molester-y.

Speaker 2 It's maybe the colors here, but your shirt looks like the molesting shirt from

Speaker 2 Freddy Krueger. Burn.

Speaker 2 Maybe it's the colors here, but you look like the molester with that shirt on, he said.

Speaker 2 He has a thing against me. fancy bee yeah because i remember when he was doing the stand-up stuff

Speaker 2 and he was doing like the roasting stuff and he was crushing

Speaker 2 yeah but he he murdered he digs really hard at me so what that's what he was doing stand-up there's also a little whenever i see him now here too yeah there's a standoffishness about him why what do you think it is

Speaker 2 it's either he thinks he's better than me

Speaker 2 or that he um

Speaker 2 Doesn't respect me. Fancy, are either those things true? Not at all.
You guys said that you have to punch up in comedy, and I can't think of anyone higher, you know, to punch up. That's real nice.

Speaker 2 Punching up in comedy is not punching down, see? That's respect. He's saying you're the tip-top.

Speaker 2 How about this? Would you like to? Look, since it's Halloween, listen, since it's Halloween,

Speaker 2 I believe in ghouls and ghosts and goblins, and I believe in the afterlife very much. I believe your spirit can sometimes stick around.
Your father passed away. Okay?

Speaker 2 Rest in peace. Papa Lee, right? I brought something in case you feel the need or inclination.

Speaker 2 Have you ever talked to your dad?

Speaker 2 If you brought my dad's ashes.

Speaker 2 Have you ever spoken to your father? I have.

Speaker 2 You have? Yeah. I'm thinking we could contact him.
I brought a Ouija board. No, no, I can't do it.
Please. No, I'm not doing a Ouija board.
Let's contact your dad. Please.

Speaker 2 Please.

Speaker 2 I'm being real, dude. Put your hand.

Speaker 2 It's just one hand.

Speaker 2 It's one hand.

Speaker 2 Let's do it.

Speaker 2 You wanna get haunted at night?

Speaker 2 It is real, I know, and we're gonna respect it.

Speaker 2 We're not.

Speaker 2 We have every idea.

Speaker 2 So am I.

Speaker 2 I know it's real.

Speaker 2 So?

Speaker 2 You just have to say goodbye, and it closes the door. You start on Ouija.

Speaker 2 Here's the rules. Put your headphones on, put your mic back.

Speaker 2 Here's the rules. You start start on Ouija.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's not good. Blowing out a candle to begin is a bad omen.

Speaker 2 Oh, boy, is that not good. Now you're, now that's actually scary to me.

Speaker 2 I know, but that's what it's supposed to do. It's a crickle-crackle candle.

Speaker 2 Put on your headphones and get your microphone near your mouth.

Speaker 2 Okay?

Speaker 2 The proper way to do this is for you to put a hand and I put a hand. Okay? Alright, here we go.
Bob, hold on. Listen.
Listen to me. We're going to contact your pops.
Okay?

Speaker 2 What's his name again?

Speaker 2 Robert. Robert E.
Lee. Yeah.
Bob Lee.

Speaker 2 We have to say goodbye at the end, otherwise, his spirit will still remain.

Speaker 2 All right. Now put you two hands on.
Two hands. Okay.

Speaker 2 Now, calmly and slowly, the bravest amongst us asks the first question. So go ahead.

Speaker 2 Dad, are you in heaven?

Speaker 2 I'm not touching I am not moving look yeah you are no I'm not you have to be no I'm not I promise

Speaker 2 what is it what is it tea tea yeah

Speaker 2 what does that say

Speaker 2 I can't read I can't see it

Speaker 2 TG TG

Speaker 2 I know what it is what's TG he said TGI Fridays

Speaker 2 He loved TGI Fridays. Are you being serious? Yeah, he loved TGI Fridays.
That's his favorite fucking restaurant. Well, let's ask him another question.
Obviously, he's having fun. This is fun.
See?

Speaker 2 There's a TGI Fridays.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 Let's ask. Okay.

Speaker 2 I want to ask him a question about you.

Speaker 2 do you miss bobby

Speaker 2 do you miss bobby

Speaker 2 lightly lightly put your finger no don't wean don't lean your weight on it should be like this

Speaker 2 i'm not i swear to god i'm not pulling look

Speaker 2 lightly

Speaker 2 you're pulling no i'm not i'm not you're so strong i'm not pulling i did not pull it because i tried to pull it wouldn't pull my way i'm not pulling it come here you have to go strong finger I am not pulling it.

Speaker 2 You have strong fingers. Do you miss Bobby? Bobby?

Speaker 2 I'm not.

Speaker 2 You have to be pulling. I'm not.

Speaker 2 Oh, you gotta be kidding me. I'm not.
You're pulling it, pushing it my way. No, I'm not.

Speaker 2 What's that?

Speaker 2 It says you.

Speaker 2 The letter you.

Speaker 2 Does he miss you?

Speaker 2 No, No, so what was the question? Does he miss you? Okay, let's let that let's get the other letters.

Speaker 2 What is that? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Um?

Speaker 2 Oh, I know what it is. What's UM? So ask me if I'm I'm the dad.
Ask me. Mr.
Lee, do you miss do you miss Bobby?

Speaker 2 So he doesn't Okay, no, he's thinking about it. Um, um,

Speaker 2 oh, he doesn't know,

Speaker 2 or you and the University of Montana. Is there a month? Is there a University of Montana? Of course, there is.

Speaker 2 No, be real. Home of the Buff Bluffs, yeah.

Speaker 2 The Buff Bluffs are up there. The Buff Bluffs are up there.
Oh, God.

Speaker 2 So maybe that has something to do with it. Because my dad lived in Montana for a bit.

Speaker 2 What UM,

Speaker 2 Bobby,

Speaker 2 Mr. Lee, tell us

Speaker 2 what's the one thing...

Speaker 2 What's the one thing that you would ask Bobby now about what's going on?

Speaker 2 What do you want to know about Bobby? What do you... Yeah, what do you want to know about me, Dad?

Speaker 2 Ouija.

Speaker 2 Oh my god.

Speaker 2 What is that?

Speaker 2 G.

Speaker 2 You have to recenter it. Go back to the Ouija and recenter it.
Put your fingers on on lightly.

Speaker 2 I'm not.

Speaker 2 Oh my God.

Speaker 2 A GAY

Speaker 2 You are pulling it with your fucking dad. Say goodbye, say goodbye, say goodbye.
Goodbye, Dad. Bye, Dad.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. That thing is so dumb.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Are you happy we connected with your dad?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I miss him. You do? Yeah.
Do you miss him the do you miss him at night or during the day the most?

Speaker 2 There's no particular time. Sometimes it just comes in a wave of like,

Speaker 2 it's almost as if he didn't, like, I didn't accept that he was gone or,

Speaker 2 you know, it's like,

Speaker 2 if I really think about it, it's like, oh, he's dead.

Speaker 2 Right? But then it's like, I think I pretend that he's alive somewhere, like living in like

Speaker 2 Quebec. Maybe he is.
Yeah, but I saw his body.

Speaker 2 But that's just the shell. That's just the.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 His soul could be living on. That's why I believe in ghosts and apparitions

Speaker 2 They're living on somewhere else. Yeah, look at you when you said there's science explanation everything

Speaker 2 There's a little thing inside of your body a heart, right?

Speaker 2 It beats it beats because of what

Speaker 2 What why does your heart beat because the blood flowing into your heart now what creates blood flow

Speaker 2 What cuts blood your brain

Speaker 2 well oxygen helps blood flow, right? That too. Okay, which goes to your brain and your heart and it circulates throughout your body.
Why does your heart just have a beat rhythm to it?

Speaker 2 There's no batteries.

Speaker 2 Yeah, how? What's making it pump?

Speaker 2 I don't know. You have an electrical force inside of your body.
Electrical force inside your body. Right, so you do.

Speaker 2 You have electricity inside of your body, right? Yeah, like

Speaker 2 so. When you die, you just think it goes away? No.
It transfers to something else magical in the universe. This could be your dad.

Speaker 2 Your dad could be in this guy. This could be Mr.
Lee. Lee.

Speaker 2 This could be Bob Lee's father. This could be Bob Lee, Robert Lee.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 They transfer energy. He doesn't sing.

Speaker 2 No, he's never sung before, yeah.

Speaker 2 So, if this was your dad, you sing the song that he would sing if this was your father. He doesn't know how to sing, but let me hear you sing.
If this was your dad, what would he sing? Okay, ready?

Speaker 2 Well, turn it off. I'll just do it.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Bobby Bubby didn't get good grades in high school. He always did the drug.
He stole $10,000 from the safe in the closet.

Speaker 2 I caught him masturbating one time.

Speaker 2 And then...

Speaker 2 Wait a minute. You stole $10,000 from them? Yeah.
Out of their safe? Yeah. Why, why, why? Why did you...
For drugs?

Speaker 2 Isn't meth not that expensive? And others.

Speaker 2 Other things.

Speaker 2 How much is meth? I'm serious. Back then, no, what happened was I...
Why do I want to go go get meth right now. I don't know.

Speaker 2 I haven't done meth since I was 17.

Speaker 2 Okay, back then when you got meth, what does meth cost?

Speaker 2 You go to your guy and you say, yo, give me a fucking what? I don't remember, but I would assume I would probably give them 50 bucks for like a tiny rock like that. And you crush it up?

Speaker 2 I would crush it up. And you'd snort it?

Speaker 2 You never smoked it.

Speaker 2 Why not?

Speaker 2 Because I didn't know how to do it. I didn't have the like because I didn't really,

Speaker 2 there was no like head shop

Speaker 2 in my town.

Speaker 2 So you wouldn't know where to get, like, pipes and stuff. I think you'd use tin foil,

Speaker 2 but, like, I didn't know how to do it. No one around me did it.
So snorting around it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I didn't steal 10 grand like in one shot. Yeah, you just slowly were stealing.
Yeah, I stole about 10 grand through a period of like a year and a half. And what did he say when he caught you?

Speaker 2 He never caught me. He fired a bunch of people.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 okay so what happened was

Speaker 2 on Fridays my dad had five clothing stores

Speaker 2 they were called fashion gal

Speaker 2 yes okay so he had five fashion gals one in Encinitas one in Escondido but a bunch of places and on Fridays when I had my license right he tell he told me to

Speaker 2 pick up the money

Speaker 2 so being a drug addict right I go I I asked for that job I go you know after school I could just you know go pick him up for you so you can play golf or whatever was your dad a good golfer oh yeah he's won a lot of awards what do you mean one of a lot of awards trophies I mean from what tournaments

Speaker 2 where at a country you guys at a country club yeah we yeah Stone Ridge Country Club we

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 you are fancy

Speaker 2 so um on Fridays I would go to all the stores yeah and the lady or whoever was the manager would put all the money in a brown paper bag. What? You guys didn't have like a staple.

Speaker 2 And I would take all the money, he would put it in the safe at home, and then on Mondays he would deposit in the bank. Right.
Right? Right.

Speaker 2 So I would go to all, and I had, I went and bought my own stapler.

Speaker 2 So you could re-staple the bag? Yeah. You're such a bad kid.
Right. So I would go to each store, right? I would take a couple hundred bucks, right? But eventually it didn't match up with the books.

Speaker 2 So people started getting fired

Speaker 2 because of you, yeah,

Speaker 2 because of a 16-year-old who was stealing, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, adults who had jobs, I don't know, dad, you're telling me to pick it up.
That was my excuse, and you think it was about 10 grand?

Speaker 2 He would never think that I would be the one.

Speaker 2 So, over like a period of year, year and a half, I would just eventually turn out to be like 10 grand or whatever. So, every week you were doing this.
Oh, yeah. For a year, for two, a year and a half.

Speaker 2 Supported by drug habit. Wow.
Yeah. Ingenious.
It's pretty smart. Yeah, crafty.
Stupid for him to give you the access to that money. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And when I went to rehab, I told him.

Speaker 2 What did he say?

Speaker 2 He was so livid.

Speaker 2 No shit. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What did he say? He didn't really say anything. His face turned all red and all the veins popped in his forehead when I told him.
But you're in a rehab with counselors and stuff.

Speaker 2 It was like a safe space to say it, right?

Speaker 2 And then he felt really bad for firing people. Did he ever talk to those people again? I think he did something.
I don't know what he did, but I think he did do something.

Speaker 2 Called them because he blamed people. He was like, you're stealing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so fucked up, Bob.
I know. Did your mom ever say anything to you or she let you just get away with shit?

Speaker 2 Well, she didn't know. I know, but when she found out, did she reprimand you or no?

Speaker 2 No, I went to rehab. When you're in rehab, that's it's safe, baby.
That's such bullshit. Such a cop-out.
No, it's not.

Speaker 2 If I stole 10 grand from my parents, they'd wait for me to get out and they'd be like, oh, yeah, you're doing good. And they'd beat the shit out of me when I got out.
But my mom would throw fists.

Speaker 2 You have to understand that I did living amends.

Speaker 2 That doesn't.

Speaker 2 Look,

Speaker 2 living amends is pure and simple.

Speaker 2 This addict idea that, like, because you're an addict and when you apologize, like, all is forgiven, people can still want to knock you the fuck out for that.

Speaker 2 Like, your dad should have beat the shit out of you for that. No.

Speaker 2 Yes. Oh, see, what you're saying to me is this, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm strung out on drugs. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right? On the precipice of death. Mm-hmm.
Okay.

Speaker 2 They're worried that I'm going to die. I know.
Get better. We miss you.
We love you. So then they put me in a 45-day treatment center.
Yeah, for like $100,000. Yeah, for like $100,000.

Speaker 2 Right? It's insane. Because we had no health insurance.
No, I know. Well, they don't pick up.
It's out of pocket.

Speaker 2 And I went to three.

Speaker 2 What? Yeah. Three different ones? Yeah.
Jesus, dude.

Speaker 2 You got your fucking, you got your bachelor's, your master's, and your doctorate. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And,

Speaker 2 but one of them wasn't an actual treatment. It was more of of a detox kind of a place.
Right. But the two were full-fledged.
Ocean View Recovery Center and the McDonald's Center is where I went.

Speaker 2 Do they have McDonald's food there?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 They do? Yeah, yeah. I think Ronald McDonald does.
I don't know. Ron McDonald, you know, that's a family member of mine.

Speaker 2 It's my Uncle Ron. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So anyway, so you're in a treatment center, 45 days. They're not going to beat the shit out of you when you leave.
See, I would. I still would.

Speaker 2 I would say, I'm glad you're healthy and you're alive and you're not on drugs, drugs but i'm gonna i'm gonna i gotta get you back for what you did what if i said as a son i go listen i know i fucked up i'll pay i'll make it up to you how by working at the store which is what i did for free

Speaker 2 until i'm paid off my debt but don't most asian kids work for their parents' store for free anyway yeah

Speaker 2 I grew up with a kid whose parents owned a dry cleaner's right up the street from us, and he worked there forever. Great kid, awesome family.

Speaker 2 But I always thought, I bet you, I bet you they're giving him good money to work for. No, the fear, though, is this.

Speaker 2 I remember being at the store, and my dad would say things like, One day this is all yours, right? Or something like that. And then you would have this dread going, I don't want to do this.

Speaker 2 Fashion girl? Fashion gal. Was it only women's clothes? Yeah, well, it was like,

Speaker 2 I think it was Elaine Bryant for ethnic women.

Speaker 2 It was plus-size clothing for ethnic women? Yeah, because it was a lot of Samoans women that would shop there. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Nothing against, I love Samoans, but a lot of

Speaker 2 heavier Hispanic women.

Speaker 2 So it's a big women's clothing store.

Speaker 2 There was skinny stuff too, but mostly fat stuff, I felt like. Why'd your dad get into thicker wigs? Your mom was a tiny person.
Yeah. So she couldn't wear it.

Speaker 2 So why would your dad get into thick women's clothing?

Speaker 2 I don't know how they.

Speaker 2 Do you know how the business started?

Speaker 2 I've never asked you about your dad's business. Well, my dad, well, he started in the wig

Speaker 2 wigs.

Speaker 2 You know, I was born in a wig store, right? No. Yeah.
You were? I was born in a wig store. Really? Yeah, in San Diego.
Like on a pile of wigs?

Speaker 2 But this is the scariest thing ever. Your mom is about to give birth, and your dad's like, lay down, on a pile of wigs.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But here's the scary part.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 my parents owned a wig store in downtown San Diego, right? Which I was born there, right?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 real fast, why didn't she go to the hospital? Not enough time? No, no, there was a hospital down the street. I was born there, but I

Speaker 2 thought you meant you were born in the wig shop. No, she didn't get birth in the wig store.
I don't know. Those Asians are hard workers.
I know, I know.

Speaker 2 It's not like they fucking, you know what I mean, had an eight-hour shift. They're like, oh, well, we have to, we have to look.
You know what I mean? Do it here. No, no.

Speaker 2 I was born in Sharp Hospital, but then I lived in the wig store. You guys lived there? But here's the thing.

Speaker 2 So then then when my parents, my dad started Fashion Cal, my uncle took over the wig store, right?

Speaker 2 So all my life, you know what I mean, even in high school and even when I was a stand-up, right, in my 20s, I could go to that wig store and it's still there, right? Wow.

Speaker 2 And here's the scary part is one time I was there, my uncle goes, come up here, Vosa. So there's upstairs, it's an old building.
It's still around. He sold it, but it's still there.
And

Speaker 2 he brings me into this room where they have broken mannequin mannequin heads oh so creepy right so there's all these shelves right oh and it also these mannequin heads are from the fucking 60s and 70s yeah right and you can tell that the no one goes in this room right these

Speaker 2 like cobwebs right mannequin heads Right, but also all the plastic is off the eyes right and cracked. So creepy.
And in the middle of this fucking, right,

Speaker 2 is a cradle.

Speaker 2 A baby cradle thing?

Speaker 2 Oh, you slept in there?

Speaker 2 When you were taking a nap? That's where they'd put you? When I was a kid, since we didn't have a house,

Speaker 2 my parents lived in that wig store illegally. Ew.
Right? And so he goes, this is where you... Right? And you could just see all these heads

Speaker 2 staring down on me. That's so fucking creepy.
It's so creepy. Ew.

Speaker 2 Do Do you remember growing up there at all? Like, do you remember vivid images of...

Speaker 2 No, but I do remember being raised by

Speaker 2 mannequins? 80 people, it felt like. People would always just come and go.
Staring. Maybe it was my first audience.
Oh, shit. Right? Yeah.
Maybe that's how I learned to perform.

Speaker 2 You talk to the mannequins. Yeah, yeah.
This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I grew up in a wig store. Bob.
What? That's so sad. Why? Because it's just like such like a sad immigrant tale, and I'm really happy that you.

Speaker 2 It's not human trafficking. I wasn't like, I don't know.
I don't know. It sounds so close.
What do you mean?

Speaker 2 Just like the kid in the attic and stuff around the dead man, around the mannequins that are fucked up, and like downstairs, they're doing something illegal and wrong.

Speaker 2 And they probably had a conversation. They're like,

Speaker 2 we can't sell them. No one wants to buy them.
Yeah, yeah. They tried.

Speaker 2 But my brother got a real house, I think, as a baby. Right.
When he grew up, you guys had to been in the house at that point, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, we got a house then, but like, I remember my uncle showing me that shit. It was just like did it bum you out?

Speaker 2 No, but I it I know it's almost as if like because I didn't know that that would bum me out if I saw that. No, I was in there.
I'm like, wait, why is there a cradle here? And he goes, there you

Speaker 2 sleep there, right? And I go, what? I looked at my uncle. I go, what the fuck?

Speaker 2 I slept here? Why would they keep it? What? Why would they keep the cradle? As if we moved out, right? My uncle bought the store, and my uncle went, let's close the door forever.

Speaker 2 No one ever come back in here, right?

Speaker 2 Because it was in the end of this hallway upstairs, right? It was also, there's no electricity either on that side of the

Speaker 2 right. So you would walk, and it gets darker and darker as you go down this hallway.
Yeah. And then by the end of the hallway, it's pretty pitch black, right?

Speaker 2 And then when you would open the door, it was as if like

Speaker 2 the walls had openings in them.

Speaker 2 Like holes punched through? To the outside. So there's light beaming in.
This is a horror movie. No.
You grew up in a horror movie. So there's light beaming in, right?

Speaker 2 So that's what I remember. That's so fucked up.
That's like a creepy, creepy memory. Light shining through this tattered electricity-less room tucked away in the corner of a wig shop in San Diego.

Speaker 2 Yeah. No wonder you did meth.
I remember my mom. I remember when my mom, you know, ethnic women, they don't know the fucking rules.
Right. I remember my mom, we were at a mall.

Speaker 2 Then we moved to Minnesota. We were in a mall.
I don't know why this brought this memory brought up, but it's funny to me, right? And I remember being in the mall and my mom swimming in the fountain.

Speaker 2 Of the mall? Yeah. Just like no big, like, that's totally normal.
Just like that. Yeah, my mom would do like things like that.
Like,

Speaker 2 I knew as a kid socially,

Speaker 2 you throw panties in there, mom. Yep.
Right? My mom's in there, like, waiting, you know, doing, you know, washing her feet and like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And like people walking by going, did security come? No, nobody cared. And then my mom would also do this.
She would go, like, we'd be at the North County Fair, which is another mall by my house.

Speaker 2 And when we lived, we came back to San Diego. Yeah.
And my mom would go, I'm tired. And we're at the mall.
Let's go home. No, but I still have to shop.

Speaker 2 And then she would just take a nap. In the middle of the mall? Not in the middle of the mall, like off to the side, you know what I mean? On a bench or something.
Just squat and sleep.

Speaker 2 And she would just sleep there for like 30 minutes. And my mom was just wandering around.

Speaker 2 It's so embarrassed because at that time we were like, you know,

Speaker 2 like 12, 10, 12. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I mean? So we're like... Yeah, you care so much about looking cool.
Yeah, yeah. You're like, we're going to hot topic.
Later, mom.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I love when they don't know the rules. Yeah.
You know what I mean? And they just do whatever they want. Because these weird social things that I guess.
Don't exist over there.

Speaker 2 Also, why do they exist? Why can't you take a nap in the mall? Just go home. But why can't you do that, though?

Speaker 2 Why can't you go to the fountain where there's water and wade your feet in it? Because it gets dirty, then that's gross. That's unsanitary.
It's true.

Speaker 2 Yeah, if your mother had a cut, she could get infected, bacteria, she could die.

Speaker 2 It's a terrible idea. I'm just saying, though, but.
Oh, so I'm telling you why.

Speaker 2 Why we have rules in America. Oh, I see.
We could just sleep in malls and wade in the fountains. But.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I do think.

Speaker 2 I told you about the jug of piss.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 So this is so funny. So when I, so now now I'm a comic.
You know, I'm on Mad TV. Okay.
Kaylin it.

Speaker 2 And I go, um, dad, you got to, they had one fashion guy left. Yeah.
In some broken down mall. They just slowly closed down

Speaker 2 over time. Right? Yeah.
But they changed the name. It was called Changes.

Speaker 2 It's like exactly what's going on in his life. Yeah, yeah, changes.
Changes. And so my brother and I,

Speaker 2 we drive to Phoenix to do a surprise visit. Is that where your uncle lives too, right? No, my uncle lives in San Diego.
Oh. So I go, um,

Speaker 2 let's go to changes and visit dad.

Speaker 2 So we sh visit my dad, and there's no one in the mall.

Speaker 2 So sad. It's like a dead mall.
Yeah. Do you remember where? No traffic? In Scottsdale.
So not Scottsdale, no, in like

Speaker 2 Asa or Gilbert, in one of those towns. Right.

Speaker 2 And we go in. Why'd you make that face?

Speaker 2 Opinion. What do you mean? I have an opinion.
Go ahead. Tell me the opinion.
I went to Arizona State. I lived in Phoenix, so I know all about it.
So, what Mesa and Kilbro, what is it about them?

Speaker 2 Isn't that so nice?

Speaker 2 Okay. It's okay.
They're okay.

Speaker 2 That's where my mom lives now. In Mesa? Yeah.

Speaker 2 She does? Yeah. Mesa's gotten much nicer as time.
Honestly, when I was there, it was different. Okay.
It was just a little bit like

Speaker 2 uh-uh. You know,

Speaker 2 but now that's where all the fucking.

Speaker 2 No, no, no.

Speaker 2 The um spring training baseball is all in Mesa now it's fucking I mean it was two then but the neighborhoods have gotten significantly nicer so we go and visit the changes and my dad's standing there

Speaker 2 in this store empty mall right

Speaker 2 and we go dad he's so happy he says oh my sons you know I mean

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 we go around right

Speaker 2 and my dad my dad's zipper

Speaker 2 my dad's zipper is undone is his dick out? Well, it was.

Speaker 2 It turns out it was. Like father, like son, huh? Yeah, yeah.
And we look down, and there's a gigantic plastic

Speaker 2 jug, like where you would put water in. Like a Valley Springlets bottom.
Oh, yeah. Filled with urine.
Like a five-gallon drug of urine. Filled up with urine.
Did he not have a bathroom at the store?

Speaker 2 He goes, I can't afford a, I cannot afford an employee.

Speaker 2 So if I have to go to the bathroom, because the bathroom was way down on the other end of the mall, this is so sad. I know, I have to be here.

Speaker 2 Who emptied it? I guess he just, that's why he got a big one. So he's a week, accumulate a week, and maybe on a Friday, he would, like, you know what I mean, just throw it in the fucking chicken.

Speaker 2 Dude, the funniest image in my head of your dad, like, you know, the Sparklets bottles have handles on them to carry? Yeah, yeah. Your dad just carrying two Sparklets bottles.

Speaker 2 As he leaves the mall, he's like, have a good night.

Speaker 2 Dude, jugs of piss. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was.

Speaker 2 That's so sad he couldn't afford it. Then was that the last short? That was it, huh?

Speaker 2 Then retired, and then I didn't, and then I was just like, I don't know what to do. We got to close the store.
We got to close the store. So.

Speaker 2 Did he, was he going to give it to you and your brother?

Speaker 2 Was that like a thing? No. He was never going to.
There's no way.

Speaker 2 It wasn't making any money.

Speaker 2 So I decided to send them money every month. When you started making money? Yeah, I've been sending them my parents' money ever since then.
You send them the same amount of money every month?

Speaker 2 $2,500 a a month.

Speaker 2 Wow. Because you were like, I want to just make sure that they're all.
I go, how much is all this shit going to cost? Right. You know what I mean? Food, give me food, your phone bill, all that shit.

Speaker 2 Tell me everything. And I'm going to send you this, right? You close that fucking store down.
It's a money drainer. Because it was just losing money.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? We'll pay mortgage on the fucking house that you have here, right? And just chill.

Speaker 2 But then they sold the San Diego. Now your mom's out there.
No. This is all in Arizona.
Oh, that was all in Arizona? Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is she happy out there in Arizona? Oh, my God. I want to show you something.
This is so sad. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I feel so bad. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't.

Speaker 2 I know. You just talk shit about my mom every time we bring it up.
So, and I haven't said anything mean about her so far, about your mom.

Speaker 2 You talk about her cross-eyes and stuff.

Speaker 2 It's one is just obviously lower and crossy. It's just, it's.
Yeah. Like that picture when I go through your Instagram sometimes.
Your mom is a chupacabra. Huh?

Speaker 2 Huh? Chupacabra. Oh, really? Yeah.
Okay. All right.
So if you talk about my motherfucking mom, right, again, right? Your mom is a fucking beast.

Speaker 2 Remember that. And she spawned a fucking dirty beast like you, right? And you guys are fucking animals.
Right?

Speaker 2 You know, at nights I hear coyotes, right? I go, Mrs. Santino.
I'll yell that under the fucking. It's not even her name.
That's not even her name. Whatever her name is.
Yeah, you don't know.

Speaker 2 I mean, well, you know, I don't know her language.

Speaker 2 I don't know that language, right?

Speaker 2 So don't ever fucking come back me with my mom. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I take a bath in at a fountain. Oh.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So this is our exchange, my mom and I.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Since the pandemic.

Speaker 2 Every night, she sends me a meme.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Beautiful and sunny day. Not too hot or cold.
The perfect weather. Love Uma.
At first I thought this was Hiroshima.

Speaker 2 The sunset. I know, but at first I was like, what the fuck? She's lost her mind, right?

Speaker 2 She'll send me this. Good night.
And sweet dreams. And just some.

Speaker 2 That's really sweet. Flowers? That's cute.

Speaker 2 She does it every fucking night. And what do you send back, Bob?

Speaker 2 Bob. I'll say stuff like, stay safe, Author, Mom, please.
I love you. That's nice, mother.
That's nice. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 She sent me this the other night. I'm not perfect, but I'm always myself.

Speaker 2 That's really sweet. Yeah.
She's a sweet. And then I never even read this.

Speaker 2 Let's read it together. Yeah, let's hear.

Speaker 2 If you knew how hard it was, how long it took to rebuild my little universe of peace and happiness, then you would understand why I'm so picky about who I allow in my life.

Speaker 2 I don't get it. Is your mom like a teenage white girl?

Speaker 2 It's the weirdest. That's so strange.
That's so strange.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so she said, you know, this is, you know, here's a weird one. I just saw this one, right?

Speaker 2 It says, stay safe,

Speaker 2 but

Speaker 2 what the fuck is the

Speaker 2 it's the oh, it's a guy, it's like it's it's like it's like the symbol they use for depression when people are depressed.

Speaker 2 But that's strange, right? She's trying to tell you something. You think she is? Yeah.
Stay safe. She's like myself in four months.

Speaker 2 Stay safe. I'm not going to be.
Yeah, yeah. Did you finish your pump? Yeah.
Let me see it. Let's Let's see the pump right now.

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm excited to see the pump.

Speaker 2 It's bad.

Speaker 2 What do you mean it's bad? I bet you it's not bad at all.

Speaker 2 All right. Oh, yeah, that's cool.

Speaker 2 Show it to that camera. That's your camera.
That's really cool. Oh, that looks awesome.
So that's that's.

Speaker 2 She put BF there. Yeah, Beth Friends.
That's, that's, that's, uh, the one, that's Mike from

Speaker 2 No, is that Mike Walkowski? From Monsters.

Speaker 4 Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's what it looks like.

Speaker 2 What's his name? Mike Wacholski from. It's One Eye, right? Yeah, he's One Eye.
Yeah, yeah. Isn't that his name, you guys? Yes.
Monsters Inc. Monsters Inc., yeah, but his last name was Mike.

Speaker 2 You know what? I didn't get that. I've never seen anything like that.
I think that's creative. It's awesome.
You made the little eyeball. Can we have it? Can you...

Speaker 2 Oh, no, no, leave it in front of you. Rudy Jules, I think that's a phenomenal pump.
Thank you. I think you did a great job, Bob.
You like it?

Speaker 2 You know what? I think she's creative. I wouldn't be able to do that.
All right, here. Can I have the pumpkin? Hold on one second.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 And I want all of us to say thank you for being a bad friend. Okay.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Yay, Jules.

Speaker 2 That's really awesome.