The Bad Friends Halloween Spooktacular!

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Let's go! Oh, shoot. Every fucking time.
Oh, no. Oh, my God.
Oh, no, no, no. You're such a fucking brat.
What do you want? I want her to ask me how I'm feeling. And how often do you genuinely ask him how he is? You make me sound like I'm the bad guy.
Get closer to the mic. Don't back away.
Yeah, you have to get closer to the mic so we can hear you. Yeah, yeah.
No. Get closer to the mic.
Get closer to the mic. Get closer to the mic.
Get closer to the mic. Don't go away.
Hey, talking to the mic. Just keep your mouth right where the mic is.
Closer to the fucking mic. What? Get closer to the mic.

Talking to the mic.

Get closer to the mic, Jules.

Talking to the mic.

Get your mouth closer to the mic.

Talking to the fucking mic, Rudy.

Talking to the mic.

Talking to the fucking mic.

Sit to the mic.

Boo-boo.

Happy Halloween. Get closer to the bike

you two are bad friends

you two are disgusting

you two are something. You two are something.

We're bad friends.

Trick or treat, trick or treat,

give me something sweet to eat.

I like the baby, please it taste so good.

Trick or treat, trick or treat, all sweet me to the beat. Oh.
No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

So, Andrew, at your age, do you still celebrate Halloween?

Look at me.

I'm 37.

I'm dressed up.

I know, but does it... Now, how do you feel when you do it? I feel good.
Really? I love dressing up. I love when the kids come into my neighborhood and they want candy.
Last year, I handed out 50 bags. 50 bags.
You've got to be kidding me. All Mexican kids All Mexicans came to my neighborhood.
You know, I've never ever bought a bag of candy for Halloween. You don't let kids come trick or treat at your door? I put apples.
You're a turd. I put razor blades in it.
No, I've never bought any candy because I've always lived in an apartment. I think that's the reason why I got know, this is my first house I did it last year for the first time, I never have done it before Right, but that's why I loved living in an apartment because you didn't have to do that shit I was on the third level tucked away in the corner no one came this year, we got the house I go, turn off the lights.
Turn off all the lights. We're not home.
Really? Yeah, and we just sat on the couch until the wee hours of the night. That's so mean.
Why? Because those kids want candy. It's bad.
It gives them diabetes. Yeah.
Right? It's not healthy for them. So? Vitamins maybe.
I'm looking at vitamins and some zinc maybe.

Look who's talking.

You smoke and you drink Red Bull.

I know.

So who cares?

I also bought you a...

Okay, you just bought me my favorite candies of all time.

Bobby, a tub of candy corn.

Candy corn.

It's my favorite one.

Do you like candy corn, Jules?

I've never tried.

Oh, slide that bucket to me.

Yeah.

So do you know these are...

This is an American tradition. I fucking hate these things.
Can I defend them? Let me do my case first. Go ahead.
I hate these. They're disgusting.
Usually old people really like them. Okay.
Because they're like easy to chew. There's no crunch.
There's no crackle. There's no snapple.
There's no pop. You always can find these at an old white person's house here in the United States during this time of year, and they'll be

in a glass bowl of a grandma's

in a kitchen, and they're there for

months after because no one

likes this shit. So I want you to try some candy

corn.

All right, Jules.

What's the verdict?

It has a weird taste. Yes, it does.
Okay. He loves them.
Go ahead and defend them, you psycho. Weirdos love this.
I know. Weirdos.
Can I defend them? Yeah. All right.
Number one, perfect size. Yeah, for you.
For you. No, no, no.
For the mouth. Well, because you're a limited number of teeth.
You can't crunch through candy. I get that.
No. They're mashable.
No. Okay.
Okay. That's rude.
Fact. All right.
Number two, right? My favorite colors. Orange, like me.
I love orange, right? I love yellow, like me. You.
And then? I love white people. Look at that.
Like you. Like you.
Okay? So I like the colors. And now, when I first ate a candy corn, when I was a kid.
Do you remember? Yeah, I do. I remember,.
I remember putting it in my mouth. I was at some old white person's house.
My friend Craig's grandfather's house. He had it in a white jar.
Yeah. And I ate it.
And I went, wow, I hate it. Right? He goes, hey, Hopsing.
Because back then you could say stuff like that. Yeah.
You still can. Yeah.
Hey, little Hopsing. Hey, noodles.
You don't get it yet. It'll grow on you.
And I got, okay. And then one day I realized when I ate it, because this is after I had probably a variety of thousands of different kinds of candies.
Yeah. But this is like, it's very simple, right? Yeah.
It doesn't try to deceive you with fancy flavorings. You know what I mean? You know how you get like a Gatorade or a Starburst or whatever.
They have fancy names, you know what I mean? Yeah, cool, blue, ice glacier. Nature on green, you know what I mean? Nitro green.
Lightning, no. And then you taste it.
It's like a weird flavor. This is pure sugar.
And that, at the end of the day, is what I want. Just confectionery sugar.
A sweet, perfectly shaped, you know what I mean, item directly put in my toothless mouth. And that's going to just make more toothless teeth.
It doesn't matter. i i'm a big candy corn freak you love candy

corn i love them i want people to tell us from home the fans if they like candy corn jules you still you still don't like it but you want another one no okay good see she hates it see there's easy some people taste it and they go i don't know if i like it and you eat a few more and you go maybe i can't stand them i can't stop i put them over my you can eat as many as you want i was thinking on the car right over here

of

the three big

... I can't stop.
I put them over my ear. You can eat as many as you want.
I was thinking on the car ride over here of the three big Halloween, like, you know,

the movies that they've made, you know, the icons.

You have Frankenstein.

You have the werewolf man.

The werewolf man?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What movie is that?

The werewolf.

Which one?

John. John the werewolf.
I um john john the werewolf i don't know there's a name what werewolf movie are you talking about well is it a werewolf okay first of all there's been teen wolf with michael j fox yeah no not that one phenomenal film not that one didn't like court mccowan in it um and uh werewolves of london yeah something like that but it is werewolves of London? Yeah, something like that.

Werewolves, right,

are a thing that people watch.

Sure.

And then you have Frankenstein.

Yeah.

Right?

They're also... What about the new generation,

like Halloween,

Friday the 13th?

Just talk about the three first.

The three most famous

Halloween movies?

No.

The icons of old Hollywood. Yeah.
Those things. Vampires.
Frankenstein. Frankenstein and the werewolf.
Invisible Man is one. The Invisible Man.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
So these movies are really sticking out to you. You remember these so well.
Yeah. The bit that I had is going away from the bit that i had well just do the bit right and now it's like we're we railroaded into this area it doesn't matter what are the most famous what are the most famous this is not what i wanted stop doing this whatever you're doing right now this is not what i wanted my intentions i knew it was gonna back fire hubie halloween first of all Adam Sandler's new movie Hubie Halloween is the most famous Halloween movie of all time period oh god I'll just tell you the bit I was gonna go into do it right out of the three which one would you be the pros and cons of it that's all and then it went into another area let's try it again let's try it.
You ready? You ready?

Yeah, I just didn't know how to get into it. What are these Halloween movies that...

The werewolves?

Iconic fucking Halloween characters.

Frankenstein, the werewolf, and

vampires. Yeah.

You would be Frankenstein. No.

You'd be the werewolf.

No, I just wanted to talk about each one,

what the pros and cons of the werewolves. Well, give them to me.
Give them to me, baby. No, I was going to ask you it, but it's like not even...
You have candy corn on your chin. I know.
Nightmare Before Christmas is one of my favorite... I don't even know what that is.
I don't even want to know what it is. Tim Burton.
You do know what... It doesn't, right, what I'm saying to you, right...
This is is Halloween Halloween Halloween Halloween Halloween I've always loved Halloween one of my favorite holidays because it's right around my birthday it's right after my birthday it incorporates it incorporates a lot of orange me a lot of spooky stuff skeletons I dressed up one time as a kid and what happened was I got expelled from school in middle school. My friend Alan Meadows and I dressed up as black people

and we got expelled.

Did you blackface? We did blackface.

And we brought afros, right?

What did you put? I don't know what we were.

What did you use for the blackface? I'm always curious.

Shoe? We were like shoe polish.

Yeah.

I remember going to the principal's office

and this is in 19...

Early 80s.

And then I remember them saying

the and then I remember going to the principal's office and this is in 19 early 80s and then I remember them saying the principal going you can't do that what color was he? he was white and I go and my only thing was there's no black people in our school and he's like it doesn't matter but it does because they's like, you know, if I. If a tree yells the N word in the woods, does anybody hear it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So it's sad. I was just like, yeah, I just don't know how to choose right.
No, you do. Also, I was going to bring in some stuff that I found at the Halloween store.
You know, it's so funny. It's like you couldn't cancel Halloween costumes because they're.
I feel bad by it, by the way. No, you don't.
You were young. Yeah, I was a kid.
I didn't know any better and I feel bad about it, but... I wore a ninja costume and my mom...
See, that's rude. And my mom put tape on my eyes to put my eyelids down.
Yeah? Yeah. I swear to God, did it.
Well, why would... But that...
Let me just say, first of all, you're making an assumption that all ninjas are Asian.

They are.

Not all of them.

Name a white ninja. American ninja.

You ever see the movie?

Gymkata.

There are white people.

Shut up.

There are white ninjas.

All the famous ninjas are Asian.

Yeah, I'm just saying.

Bruce Lee.

Jackie Chan.

I know, but it's like saying all Italians own pizza restaurants. A good amount of them do.
I know a black guy that runs one. Rarely.
Very good. You know what I mean? It's going to be bad.
I know what my point is, is that you don't have to go all the way and put the fucking tape. Yeah, you do.
You do? Yeah. Because I paint your face yellow too, then a little bit, a little bit.
I poisoned myself and I had a little bit of jaundice. So I looked a little bit yellow.
Yeah. yellow.
Let me ask you this. Did you do an accent? Of course.
Of course you did. Chic order the treater.
You love doing it. They tried to cancel costumes every year but how? How could you cancel costumes? You could find something wrong with all of them.
With everything they represent. How is this not racist towards fucking leprechauns? not a real thing they're all you could you could find something wrong with all of them with everything they represent how is this not racist towards fucking leprechauns not a real thing they're making fun of tiny irish people so how is this not racist that should be racist because it is irish people were oppressed dude everything every costume the reason it's funny is because it's joking about a stereotype yeah that's why it's funny That's why, there was a fucking section at the Halloween store,

they had,

it said voodoo stuff

and it was bones

through the nose,

like necklaces

with saber tooths on it.

Yeah.

Shaman sticks

to shake and give you

a small head

and stuff like that.

How is that?

What's the difference

at some point?

Yeah.

It's ridiculous

to even try to cancel costumes.

You can't. Yeah, but you can't, like for instance, I bet you money you can't now wear a headdress.
There was still Native American stuff there. There was tons of it.
I was at a club in Edmonton. There's a mall.
I don't know if you've been to that mall. A thousand times.
Rick Bronson's room? Dude, that's, first of all, shout out to the Bronson family who was so loving and checked in on me the whole time.

They also headlined me before I was ever ready.

Yeah, I love that.

They're the best.

I love that.

They're the best.

They're the best.

But yes, the West Edmonton Mall.

Right, so there was like a photograph,

you know, one of those old-timey photograph things

that you can go?

What do you mean?

When you just walk, there's like a,

it's a store, but it's really a studio.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You have that old-timey backdrop, you know what I mean i mean yeah and they only had cowboys and indians right right so i go i don't really i i think i identify more as an indian the way i look i'm not gonna wear a cowboy outfit and take the photo there were asian cowboys though no yeah they were who there were asian Cowboys. No.
In the they were. Who? They were Asian cowboys.

No.

Oh, God.

In the old west, right?

There were no Asian cowboys.

What they were, were

they were in the world.

They owned opium dens.

Yeah.

Laundry mats.

Uh-huh.

Right, and stuff like that.

And they did dynamic detail

as a railroad worker.

You don't think one or two

of those guys got on a horse,

put on a hat?

That's the only way,

but it's like,

they didn't ride like

regular horses. They probably rode like, Kia little doggie.
Kia. Yeah, yeah.
You know, it's so funny too. What are you doing in this part of town, Chang? Yeah.
But there was never any, I think because Asians are so like, not submissive is not the right word. But they like to – no, just hear me out.
I think that's the right word. I don't think it is, right? They like to – they don't want to be seen, right? Yeah.
And they want to acclimate themselves and just blend in and cause no trouble. You know what I mean? So I think that's why you never saw like just a bunch of Asians hanging from trees.
You know what I mean? What? What do you mean? What are you talking about? Well, back in the day, right? If we were loud and boisterous kind of people. Oh, you get hung.
We would get hung a lot and beat up a lot. You never read about that.
But the Asians, they hid. No, we were like, you know, right this way, Mr.
Johnson, right? In any job that, you know, we had back then, it was always like, please come in. You know what I mean? It was never like, come in! Get over here! Yeah, yeah.
Smoke the opium, relax. Yeah, relax.
Thank you so much, China, China. Right? And they would smoke and relax.
Okay, Mr. Johnson, you feel good.
I'll come back. You want a gin tea? Right? right yeah and they were like that laundry right come and bring your dirty boy in here I'll clean it right it's always a kind very sweet yeah so there were no Asian cowboys yeah we were just you know in the either the food industry or railroad industry.
Yeah. Ching,

Ching,

That's where it comes from.

What?

Ching,

Ching,

Ching,

Oh yeah,

for railroads.

Yeah.

That makes sense.

Wow.

We just came up with that.

I never thought of that.

Yeah.

But like other,

like the Irish

would complain about their backs.

First of all,

first of all,

the Irish were,

on the same token,

the Irish were blue collar slaves. They worked for no money.
I understand that. They had to become thieves, a lot of them, because they couldn't get work.
Yeah. There's old signs you see that say, Irish need not apply.
I don't know why they hated the Irish so much. Because I guess they thought they were useless, because they were like...
I know. Another race that's like that...
But I love the Irish. Our nationality is the Polish.
Right. Back in the day, you would get, you know what I mean? How many Polish people did it take to screw in a light bulb? I don't know what the punchline is.
10,000 because they're so fucking retarded. That's the punchline.
Or whatever. Right.
You'd be like, as a kid, you'd listen to go, and you wouldn't find it funny because you don't really get that stereotype yeah but then you watch Polish people now right like Johanna Yancekczak Yancekczak you know who she is yeah and she's beating the shit out of people like you know what I mean and she's a bright girl and yeah no I don't that came from this like I'm from Chicago Chicago has a higher population of Polish people than Warsaw that's a fact happened years ago and when i was a kid used to hear so the slang the racial epithet is they'd say polack that's what they call polish people and when you're a kid you hear it you don't understand why they make fun of polish people and then you get older and you still don't i don't i don't get it i don't know what it is i think it's like a, you just can. I don't know.
But where did that come from, though? I think because I maybe. Stefano, we should ask him.
Maybe Russians. Maybe Russians.
The beef between Russia and Poland. Maybe Russians looked down on them and they took that to America.
I have no idea. Yeah, yeah.
The joke in Chicago always was that Polish guys, like, they never finished anything all the way. They did cheap or labor that was like – because a lot of them worked in construction or were contractors.
I didn't get it when I was a kid, but it was thrown around a lot. Yeah, it questions all kind of these stereotypes that don't make any really sense.
Yeah, they just – well, they say them. The standard one, two in L.A.
would be maybe you know i mean everybody's gay

no mexicans are lazy see that's a that's a weird old phrase that i think was taken from like the cartoon era of like uh but then you see them remember speedy gonzalez's best friend that job right remember his remember his best friend what was his name speedy gonzalez's best friend oh yeah He was always like,

Eh, Speedy.

Sleepy Bean.

Sleepy Bean.

Yeah.

Yeah, and then,

and then, and, and that was like this weird perception that like, uh, that there was a lazy idea. No, they're the, they're the polar opposite.
I don't think I've, I don't think I know. I don't think I've ever not seen a Mexican guy either working or looking for work or just getting off a job.

Or like, you know what I mean?

What do you do for a living?

I've got 15 jobs.

Yeah, all of them.

You're like, oh, fuck.

I'll do anything you need me to do.

Yeah, yeah.

Who's the laziest people then?

I don't think a people is lazy.

A type is lazy.

What's the type of person?

Yeah, what are you?

I think I'm entitled, fat, you know what I mean? This is great. Small.
Yep. Right? Type of person.
So entitled, fat, spoiled people. Yeah.
They're lazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you weren't the son of a billionaire. So you're entitled for someone that didn't come from – Well, my therapist said was that I – because I struggled so hard as a comedian and was so broke for so long.

Same.

That once I got stuff, right, I just became entitled really quickly.

Because I worked so hard.

You know what I mean?

But that's wrong because they can take it all away.

They did take it away.

And then you humble yourself.

And then it can go away again. The try times is when you humble yourself.
Lose the entitlement. No.
You're going to keep it? I can't wait for the entitlement. You do it now.
I know. I'm in an upswing.
I'm in an upswing. But when things start disappearing, I'll become Humble Bob again.
Humble Bob. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Do you believe in any of the stuff that I get into like this? Because I love Halloween.

Do you believe in ghosts and ghouls and spirits?

No, I think it's, um... You don't believe in any kind

of apparition or spirit or

you believe in... No, we talked about ghosts

that I grew up with them, but, um...

I know, but you really don't believe in it?

No, because, um...

I think

everything can be explained by science.

And also a lot of it's illusions, you know what I mean? Like Like I've been driving, you know what I mean? You've been driving? I was driving in the desert once. Yeah.
I was going from Vegas to Barstow. Yep.
And I was driving in the desert during the day. And I didn't drink any water.
Because you were dehydrated? I was dehydrated, but I was just driving. I remember I had to get somewhere.
In the heat, it was really hot. Yeah, my car didn't have air conditioning.
What is that called again? A mirage, when you saw a mirage. And when I was looking in the desert, and I saw these hands.
I'm chewing into the mic. It's fucking so gross.
What? It's just the candy corn into the mic. Why? What's wrong with you today? I just don't want to hear it.
Yeah, but it... Don't put candy next to me.
It's so small. Just swallow it whole.
Don't put candy next to me if you don't want to hear me chew it. I have a whole bucket full of fucking candy corn here, baby.
Well, put a whole chunk in your mouth right now. So you saw hands waving.
You don't like chewing. Swallow it.
No. No.
I'm chewing the whole fucking show. You want to distribute that one gram of sugar all over your mouth as much as you can.
I love flavors baby. I know you do.
I want my whole mouth to fucking experience it. So you're driving in the desert and you see hands waving and what happens? No but my point is is that I saw a bunch of hands waving like we're at a coachella or something huh right in the distance sticking out of the sky not like let's say this is the desert they're sticking out of the you know i mean like this the horizon horizon and they're just waving their hands i mean i think they were going you know i mean go go to me crash crash crash crash i saw a bunch of hands waving, right? So you think everything is...
But that's not real. That's an illusion.
But it's real to you. You've created that.
My point is it's still not real. It's an illusion in my mind.
What's real then? Nothing, really. Rudy Jules, do you believe in ghosts and spirits and ghouls and goblins and ghosts? Not really, but I'm interested in it.

You are?

Yeah, it's nice and fun.

Oh my God.

She hasn't.

What are you, by the way, for Halloween?

What did you put?

What is this?

I don't know.

I forgot that it was today.

Yeah.

And so I had a wig.

Yeah, I knew it.

I knew it.

And what are you, Bob?

What did you dress up as?

Sam Tripoli. What an inside joke.
No, I don't know what I... You're a wolf.
That's a wolf? What is that? I don't know what it was. What happened was, I go, she was in the backyard, and I go, I had just woken up.
I woke up at 3 o'clock. I know, I got the text.
Right. So I go in the backyard, and she in the backyard and she's back there well remember okay first of all i want to address this real quick okay so and we had a kind of an argument at the house can i just see if you can side with me yeah okay go ahead so um so kalilah's best friend it's her birthday today happy birthday okay i don't want to say her name because i love her but um so for her birthday she went what do they want to do Go fishing.
Happy birthday. Okay.
I don't want to say her name because I love her. So for her birthday what do they want to do? Go fishing.
Go fishing. At what time? 6am.
At Troutdale? I don't know which area. So when I was and they didn't invite me right? Because it's at 6am.
No that's not true. I think the reason why they didn't invite me is because I knew – they knew that I knew that that was rude, right? Wait, what's rude? Just hear me out.
Okay. Okay? If I have a birthday, right, I'm not going to call people to go, hey, you're going to get up at 5 in the morning to go to the lake to fish.
How rude is that? Because then my good friends would be like, all right. Yeah, your best friends would show up anyway.
Yeah, but they wouldn't like it. Yeah, but if it's something that you loved, I would do it for you.
Yeah, but I wouldn't. See, but that's the thing.
I wouldn't want to put you through that. Right.
So I'd just be like, I'm going to go fishing. Right.
That's like when I go golfing in the morning right so i was we had a little argument today i'm like you know i just found that behavior to be rude okay i don't think it's rude but you think it's rude that they didn't ask you to go or that i know why they didn't ask me to go because i just think that the whole gesture was like kind of you know okay look at it like this when you go fishing you have to get up early to go fishing. You just have to when you're going out.

I understand that.

So don't invite people.

They didn't invite you.

No, but they invited the...

That's why the point, though.

You feel left out.

No.

I'm lost.

Well, you're...

No.

What's rude?

The fact that they didn't invite you or the fact that they wanted to go fishing?

I'm going to use the candy corn as an example.

Please. Yeah.
All right. This is me.
Just about. All right.
So this is me, right? Yeah. These are all my friends.
Okay. These are all the people that I consider friends.
Got it. Okay.
And let's suppose I like to, for my birthday, my desire, right, is to go to- Hike the Sierra Mountains to see the waterfall. You know, it's something even worse.
You know what I mean? I like to swim, right, for some reason in a septic tank. Okay.
That's just my desire. I love it.
Okay. You all right? Okay.
I grew up in fucking Bangladesh nothing against people from Bangladesh right right but like you know it's just something I want to do you love swimming in septic tanks the nearest you mean public septic tank right that you can swim in that's legal is in is in Bakersfield and it only opens between 4 to 6 a.m. Got it.
Yeah, I get that. Let's see.
This is something I enjoy doing. Nobody likes it! Okay.
They're going to hate it. It's disgusting.
Now, do I go by myself? Or do I invite i invite these now 95 of these people right won't go but five percent will look at that that's five percent will now these fuckers now now it's 5 30 in the morning we're in bakersfield yeah in a septic tank and we're going we right these guys right here Are having the worst time of their lives So two It's rude Two of them hate it Okay But the other four are digging it Alright so they dig it Yeah they love it But what about these two right here Fuck em That's true You're right Fuck em Fuck em Fuck em I think you're just mad you didn't get invited You're having FOMO about something that you didn't They didn't invite me They did? They didn't Yeah you're mad that you didn't get invited. You're having FOMO about something that you didn't.
They didn't invite me.

They did?

They didn't.

Yeah, you're mad that you didn't get invited.

Is that what it is?

Yes.

What is it?

Rudy, why is he upset that you guys got, they got into it?

And Kalilah's friend, she loves fishing.

Does Kalilah like fishing?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Do you?

Yeah.

Okay.

They want to go fishing, Bob.

You were one of the two candy corns.

Let me ask you something, Jules. All right? All right.
And, you know, I can handle your betrayal. You know what I mean? It's not betrayal.
Just listen to me because I know the truth. Okay, okay.
I can handle your betrayal one or two times a week. Put the knife down.
We're just having a discussion. All right? Okay.
Right? But when it happens every day and you betray Papa Lee, right to burn a bit and I know that because they didn't end up going this morning because it got foggy and the whole trip was cancelled and she was relieved who was? Jules why? because you wanted to sleep some more? I didn't say I was relieved I can tell that you were relieved be, be honest. No, I was kind of excited.
No, you weren't because I'll tell you what I heard back in the backyard. You were excited to not go or you were excited to go? To go.
She wanted to go. No, no, no.
Listen to me, right? You think that I'm not an investigative journalist? I am. You don't think that I could put facts together? Okay? I go in the backyard and I hear these girls take it.
Thank God that thing was canceled. Who said that? Rudy did.
All of them. No.
Yeah, and you were sitting there on the fucking, you know, yes, going, right? Is part of this true? No. But then, you know, this is the betrayal and no more.
Tomorrow, you don't betray me again. That's it.
That another thing she betrayed me on right let me ask you something if Jules right had a play yeah like a school play a school play right yeah I think you and I would go opening night no 100% 100% I wouldn't miss it right you as Huckleberry Finn I'd love it whatever right so Right? So, you know, I'm on that Netflix thing with Berk Reischer. Cabin.
Right? A lot of people have seen it, right? Yeah, a couple million. She refuses to watch it.
Why don't you want to watch it, Jules? I didn't say I refused. But you watch everything else.
That's the thing. I'm starting it.
But you're only starting it now because I gave you shit about it last night no I was planning to watch it I just forgot about it she forgot about it meanwhile she's watching fucking gooky anime I'm sorry I wanna get fucking racial right yeah and she's like doing other shit right yeah I just find it to be rude you know what I mean with the lie today the deception today along with that cabin thing you really want her to watch cabin do you really care it's this i don't think she'd like it right she won't i understand that but it's like my brother steve my brother steve right doesn't know that i've been in a movie that's okay because he'll never watch it yeah that's great what's wrong with that i don't you think that as a family member or someone that you live with right every once in a while they partake in one thing no really so if i i i think whenever i do stuff i don't want any of my family to watch it that's true for me too right but i like the gesture of it like yesterday right or a couple days, I woke up and I walked into the living room, right? And Collada's laughing at watching The Cabin, right? I didn't ask her to watch it, right? It just feels good that she wants to see something that I'm in. How about this? If it was your show...
Podcasts? No, I don't give a fuck. We do so many of them.
If it was your show, she'd watch it. But that's Bert's show and you're one of the guys on it.
That's why she's not quick to watch it. If it was Bobby Lee's The Cabin, you'd watch it.
100%. You're a featured comic on Bert's show.
It's his show. If it was Bobby Lee's opium den in the woods, she'd watch it.
I think that's the truth. Don't you, Rude? Also, we got rudy a pumpkin to carve we want you to carve a pumpkin i forgot to ask you you gotta hop to it that that rooster that's not my rooster is it what do you mean you're a rooster yeah it's mine oh it's it's from the house you brought my lucky rooster here yeah we want good luck here no who brought it Me.
She did. Okay.
What is the problem?

She's just wanted to up her decor. I said bring something that expresses yourself.
She brought the rooster and the creepy dead baby. Yeah, but the rooster, right, is a personal...
Who is it? Who is it to you? Is it a good friend? All right, Jules, you outline it however you want,

but by the end of the podcast, we want a dope pumpkin, yes?

Yeah.

What's wrong with her bringing in that rooster?

I don't understand.

You have three.

You have three.

I know.

Where are they from?

Those roosters, right, were given to me by a friend of mine, right? Did he pass away? Yeah. Oh, Rudy.
It's a dead guy's rooster. I didn't know.
What did he die of? I can't talk about it. Oh, no.
Is this real? No. No.
I knew it in my bones. It's not real.
Who gave you those roosters? I don't remember. You don't know where you got them.
Throw them away.

No.

We're going to keep them.

All right, so back to my original thing from the beginning of the podcast, right?

Yeah.

Okay.

So I was thinking the pros and cons. If you had to pick one of those three things to be a Frankenstein, a werewolf, or a vampire,

which one would you be?

I think I would be – just i just love vampire for

i love vampire i'm a creature of the night anyway bingo okay the idea that i love sucking on things

i love sucking on stuff and the idea that you can because they get away with murder because they can

they can um transform they can so i can suck someone's blood and then turn into a bat and

fly away so you never get caught fashionable sexy as? Sexiest shit. Sexiest.
Do you think I would have been? Yes, dude. Even as a vampire? 100%.
Yeah, because the clothing was so cool. Transylvanian clothing.
You never see vampires my body size, though, huh? Yeah, no, you don't see a little stocky vamp. Yeah.
We need to make a movie called The Stocky Vamp. Yeah.
A little Asian vampire. How come we don't see

that? Why is that? Because they're all

from

Transylvania.

Which is Eastern Europe?

Frankenstein would like to be.

You want bolts in your neck?

I'll tell you why, right?

It'll give me an excuse.

No one will ask you, hey, read this book.

Yeah, they won't.

They would make it, right?

Just think about it, though.

I'm Frankenstein.

I can't read.

Well, you're one of the dumbest guys.

Right.

An excuse to wander around.

Yeah, get lost.

Yeah, you can get lost.

You just walk into a girl's changing room.

You're like, I don't know.

Yeah, you don't have to worry about fashion.

You're fucked up anyway. Well, he wears a suit, and that's it, I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, you don't have to worry about fashion. You're fucked up anyway.

Well, he wears a suit

and that's it, right?

No.

He wears like,

he's torn clothing, right?

Yeah, but it looked like,

I thought it was an old torn suit.

What was it?

What did he used to wear?

Was it in his?

You think he used to wear

a fucking three-piece suit

like a fucking businessman?

Was it three?

Well, yeah,

he was a Wall Streeter,

wasn't it?

Original Frankenstein,

what was he wearing?

What was he wearing?

I think just rags.

Was it really just rags?

I just thought it was an old suit that was torn up. I guess it's just a black sport coat.
It was a black coat. It was a black...
That's fashionable. It's like from Zara.
See what I mean? Right? Yeah, he looks kind of fashionable. Yeah, he's dressed like...
He's dressed like really nice. He looks like most LA guys.
Yeah, yeah LA fashion. He's dressed like Anthony Jizzleneck.

Jizzleneck

wore that outfit. 100%.

Black shirt, black suit

coat, big shoes. Look, this is what Gucci

does now, what all these new shoes do now.

They make big heeled shoes.

And also, he's got pretty tight jeans on.

Yeah, Shelly's Frankenstein.

That's the original. OG.
OG Frankenstein. One of the funniest movies.
Yeah, Shelley's Frankenstein. That's the original.

OG.

OG Frankenstein.

One of the funniest movies all the time, Young Frankenstein.

Young Frankenstein is incredible.

That's a Mel Brooks film.

It's totally different.

It's so funny.

It's so fucking funny.

Anybody listening to it right now, it's one of the classics.

Right.

If you're a young person who isn't tuned into that stuff, you should watch Young Frankenstein.

If you want to be a comedian, that's got to be in your repertoire.

That and Dr. Strangelove.
Hocus Pocus, also a good Halloween film. Never seen it.
What? What a movie. Dr.
Strangelove, is that what you just said? It's not a Halloween movie, but for a comedy. Yeah.
Dr. Strangelove is great.
You know what costume they had today that I almost bought was Clockwork Orange. They had Stanley Kubrick's Clockwork Orange characters.
But I didn't want to... I thought you...
It was not... You couldn't really tell.
Just suspenders and then... Like, what else? It's a white shirt with black...
It could be a Scott. You know what I mean? Like, with a Scott.
Yeah. It could be in the special.
It's not specific enough. Yeah.
Yeah, it's not specific enough. But that movie, though, man.
Young Frankenstein? No. Doctor Strangelove? No.
Oh, Clockwork Orange. Clockwork Orange.
Kubrick makes phenomenal shit. Yeah, but that movie? It fucked with my head when I first saw it.
When I first saw it as a kid, it fucked with my mind. Because I grew up in the suburbs with a bunch of track homes and white people.
And when you watch a movie like that, you just kind of – First of all, I thought I'd put time in it for a second that, is this real? Yeah. It's like a alternative post-apocalyptic, not post-apocalyptic, it's an alternative of the world.
It's kind of like a It's not real. In the not so distant future, but it's not real.
It's not real. But in my mind, I'm like, is this what England's like? Kind of.
You know what I mean? Yeah. Where they have like, you know, statues and you can just drink milk of the breasts.
Milkolo sets yeah yeah and they forget and then what did they trip on that right wasn't it like yeah what a great fucking movie man yeah it really was yeah that's probably one of my favorite what's your favorite of the newest do you like friday the 13th do you like jason halloween um i think out of the newest one hold on hold on freddy freddy okay fred Freddy Krueger which is Nightmare on Elm Street Friday the 13th which is Jason Voorhees Halloween the series which is Michael Myers or Hellraiser I think our four of our generations I think Hellraiser was the one that kind of – I think the first Friday the 13th freaked me out.

No, Nightmare on Elm Street freaked me out.

Yeah.

But when I saw Hellraiser, I went – because you had never seen characters like that before.

Right.

It was wild as fuck.

It's not really hell.

It was more like a different dimension of hell or whatever.

Right.

And it was like these characters are so fucking...

Can you do that quieter?

I'm trying.

Can you do it quieter though?

Because I'm talking.

You just hadn't seen...

Pinhead was something unique.

Are you wrestling a boar?

What the fuck are you doing?

It's hard.

They put a little animal in there.

Do it on the desk.

You don't want...

Is it no leverage?

Is that why?

Yeah.

Can I take this off?

It's hurting my brain.

No.

It really hurts.

It's okay.

No, it's affecting the way I do it Take it off It's fine Why are you so angry all the time? No no no I'm just like a grown up I'm not mad you have what... I'm going to tell you what you have.
I'm going to tell you what you have. Oh, it looks so tight.
There's a dent on your forehead. I'm actually not kidding.
There's two dents on your forehead because it was so tight. I know, it hurts so fucking Brad.
Why was that so tight? I know, but it... Pull your hair back and show the middle camera.
That's why it's fucked. There's dents on your floor.
I know, that's why it's fucked me up all podcast because I have this pain right here. It's squeezing my brain.
Oh, dude, why is that? Well, then you should have said that. I didn't want to ruin the fucking Halloween thing that you wanted to do.
You did a great job. Right? But it was fucking giving me a headache and all of a sudden now I have a splitting headache.
Have some candy corn and chill. You're okay.
Put on your headphones, Papa. Look me for me personally i thought freddie cougar was easily the scariest because he comes in your fucking dreams so that always panicked me out right michael myers was like just a real guy who was a murderer right yeah yeah yeah michael myer was a murderer jason wasn't just a regular guy, though.
No, he was not.

But I'm saying, Freddie— He was like a guy from a lake.

But Freddie—

Yeah, he came out of the water.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But Freddie lived in this alternative universe,

which is why I thought it was so cool as a kid that, like,

he could come in your dreams, but he could exist in your real life.

But who knows if that was actually still in your dream or if it was real.

That's true.

That's why I thought that was such a wild concept.

But here's another reason why, right, that makes him scary. He molested.
Was he a molester? Who was? Freddy Krueger? No. Was he? Freddy Krueger was a Chester the Molester guy? The sweater, though.
That's a molesting guy. It is.
It does look like a molester. Yeah, to me.
Who looks like the most? Maybe he wasn't. It's just the sweater makes it seem like he was a molester.
Well, he always went

after kids. How about...
That's why. Yeah, I always

made the connection that he

molested them. You're right, actually, because he only come to kids' dreams

because adults can't...

Adults don't... Yeah.
Right? Isn't that what

it was? Adults don't really see him in their dreams?

But with Jason killed adults,

Michael definitely killed adults.

Yeah. Yeah, you're right that Freddie

went after, like, specifically young kids. Young kids, yeah.
I think it was a molesting vibe. Yeah, he was.
That's what's a little scary about him to me. Which one of them seems, which one of those four guys? Who I would be friends with? Yeah, who'd you hang out with? Who'd be my top 10 friends on MySpace? Yeah.
Yeah. Because, number one, I don't want to die.
Yeah, that's why you want them on your team right so to me like well obviously not Freddy because yeah no what wait so my friend who do who am I picking not to kill me who would I be trust enough to be my friend okay look who would you be here we are at a dinner party right who would I And somebody, no, no. And somebody goes, Bob, I heard you're friends with Jason Voorhees.
Yeah. Why? Well, because I'll be honest with you, right? Please.
Jason helped me build a gazebo once. Well, he does have that chainsaw.
Well, he has a chainsaw. Yeah.
But also I was at the lake. Right.
And I had this whim to build a gazebo. Overlooking the lake.
Well, there's a lot of wood, right? And I'd never built one before, right? And I couldn't chop the tree down because at the time I was 14 years old, right? And I had the strength, right? And so I was working on this tree all day long trying to chop it down, right? And all of a sudden I hear like a little rumbling in the back.

Right? I turn around and there's a guy there

right with a, uh,

I thought he was, I thought it was Gordie

Howe at first.

You know? I was in

Canada. Yeah.
And I go,

Hey, what are you doing there, bud? Yeah, yeah.

I thought it was Gordie Howe. And I go, oh, I'm a big fan.

Can you, you know? And he goes, you didn't really say

anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I said, you want to help me build a gazebo?

And he started.

Wait, wait.

Was Jason a chainsaw guy or an axe?

I thought Michael Myers was an axe and Jason was a chainsaw.

I don't think either one of them had chainsaws.

Yeah, Jason. No.
Jason Voor and Jason was a chainsaw. I don't think either one of them had chainsaws.
Yeah, Jason Voorhees had a chainsaw. I'm almost positive he had a chainsaw.
Yeah, dude, what do you mean? Is he Canadian? Yeah. No, he's from Alberta.
He's from Banff National Forest. He lives off Lake Louise.
He's got a nice little bungalow there. Three bed, three bath.
It's on Airbnb if you'd like to rent. Keep it down.
Keep it down. So yeah, this machete was almost the most recognizable.
This was constant, but the chainsaw was a thing. He had a chainsaw, I think, at the very first.
Jason Voorhees. What a cool name, Voorhees.
Based on something real, I think. I just don't know any better.
And Freddy Krueger, right, you say Freddy you think looks like... A molester.
You think he looks molester-y, huh? Dude, look at it. Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah. Hey, kids! Yeah! Get in the bus, kids! Come on, I've got plenty of Snickers bars! Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, he does seem molester-y. Are you fucking kidding? Also, it's maybe the colors here,

but your shirt looks like the molesting shirt from Freddy Krueger.

Burn.

Maybe it's the colors here,

but you look like the molester with that shirt on, he said.

He's a thing against me.

Fancy B?

Yeah, because I remember when he was doing the stand-up stuff,

and he was doing the roasting stuff.

And he was crushing.

Yeah, but he...

He murdered.

He murdered. He digs really hard at me.
So what? He was doing stand-up. There's also a little...
Whenever I see him now here too, there's a stand-offishness about him. Why? What do you think it is? It's either he thinks he's better than me, or that he doesn't respect me.
Fancy, are either of those things true? Not at all. You guys said that you have to punch up in comedy and I can't think of anyone higher, you know, to punch up to.
Punching up in comedy. He's not punching down, see? That's respect.
He's saying you're the tip top. Yeah.
How about this? Would you like to, look, since it's Halloween, listen, since it's Halloween, I believe in ghouls and ghosts and goblins, and I believe in the afterlife very much. I believe your spirit can sometimes stick around.
Your father passed away. Okay? Rest in peace, Papa Lee, right? I brought something in case you feel the need or inclination.
Have you ever talked to your dad? If you brought my dad's ashes. Have you ever spoken to your father? I have.
You have? Yeah. I'm thinking we could contact him.
I brought a Ouija board. No, no, no, I can't do it.
Please? No, I'm not doing a Ouija board. Let's contact your dad.
Please. Please.
No, no, wait, stop, stop, stop. I'll be real.
Put your hand, it's just one hand. It's one hand.
Do it. No your hand.

It's just one hand.

It's one hand.

Let's do it.

It is real.

I know, and we're going to respect it.

We're not.

We have every idea.

So am I.

I know it's real. So? You just have to say goodbye, and it closes the door.
You start on Ouija. Here's the rules.
Put your headphones on, put your mic back. Here's the rules.
You start on Ouija. Oh, that's not good.

Blown out a candle to begin is a bad omen.

Oh, boy, is that not good.

Now that's actually scary to me.

It's sizzling in my ear.

I know, but that's what it's supposed to do.

It's a crickle-crackle candle.

Put on your headphones and get your microphone near your mouth.

Okay?

The proper way to do this is for you to put a hand and I put a hand.

Okay?

All right, here we go.

Bob, hold on. listen to me we're gonna contact your pops okay what's his name again robert e lee yeah bob lee we have to say goodbye at the end otherwise his spirit will still remain.
Okay. All right? Now put your two hands on.

Two hands.

Okay.

Now calmly and slowly, the bravest amongst us asks the first question.

Okay.

So go ahead.

Dad, are you in heaven?

I'm not touching. I am not moving.
Look. Yeah, you are.
No, I'm not. You have to be.
No, I'm not. I promise.
Why is it moving? What is it? What is it? T? T? Yeah. What does that say? I can't read.
I can't see it. What does it say? TG? TG.

I don't know what it is.

What's TG?

He's at TGI Fridays.

He loved TGI Fridays.

Are you being serious?

Yeah, he loved TGI Fridays.

That's his favorite fucking restaurant.

Well, let's ask him another question.

Obviously, he's having fun.

This is fun.

There's a TGI Fridays in heaven. Oh, wow! Let's ask.
Okay. I want to ask him a question about you.
Okay. Do you miss Bobby? Do you miss Bobby? Lightly, lightly.
Put your finger... No, don't lean your weight on it.
It should be like this. I'm not.
You're pulling it. I'm not.
I swear to God, I'm not. I'm not pulling it.
Look. Lightly.
You're pulling it. No, I'm not.
I'm not. You're so strong.
I'm not pulling... I did not pull it.
Because I tried to pull it. It wouldn't pull my way.
I'm not pulling it I'm not pulling it come here I am not pulling it do you miss Bob Lee I'm not I'm not I'm not.

Oh, you gotta be kidding me. I'm not.

You're pulling and pushing it my way. No, I'm not.

What's that?

It says U.

The letter U.

Does he miss you?

No, so what was the question? Does he miss you?

Okay, let's get the other letters. Alright.

What is that? M.

U-M?

Oh, I know what it is. What's U-M?

So ask me if I'm

the dad. Ask me.
Mr.

Lee, do you miss Bobby? Oh. So he doesn't, okay.
No, he's thinking about it. Oh, he doesn't know.
He doesn't know. Or you at the University of Montana.
Is there a University of Montana? Of course there is. Don't be real.
Home of the Buff Bluffs. Yeah.

The Buff Bluffs are up there. The Buff Bluffs are up there.

So maybe that has something to do with it. Because my dad lived in Montana for a bit.
You am. Bobby, Mr.
Lee, tell us, what's the one thing... what's the one thing that you would ask Bobby now about what's

going on? What do you want to know about Bobby?

What do you want to know about me, Dad?

Luigi.

Oh my God.

What is that?

G?

You have to recenter it. Go back to the Ouija and recenter it.

Put your fingers on it lightly.

Why are you pulling?

I'm not!

Oh my god.

A?

G-A.

Y.

G-A. you are pulling it with your fucking say goodbye say goodbye say goodbye goodbye dad oh my god that thing is so dumb yeah are you happy we connected with your dad yeah Yeah.
I miss him. You do?

Yeah.

Do you miss him at night or during the day the most? There's no particular time. Sometimes it just comes in a wave of like – it's almost as if he didn't – like I didn't accept that he was gone or it's like if I really think about it, it's like, oh, he's dead.
Right? But then it's like, I think I pretend that he's alive somewhere, like living in like Quebec. Maybe he is.
Yeah, but I saw his body. But that's just the shell.
That's just the... Yeah.
His soul could be living on. That's why I believe in ghosts and apparitions.
They're living on somewhere else. Yeah.
Look at, when you said there's science explanation to everything, there's a little thing inside of your body, a heart, right? It beats because of what? What? Why does your heart beat? Because of the blood flowing into your heart. Now, what creates blood flow? What creates blood well oxygen helps blood flow right that too okay which goes to your brain and your heart and it circulates throughout your body why does your heart just have a beat rhythm to it there's no batteries pumping yeah how what's making it pump i don't know you have an electrical force inside of your body electrical So you do.
You have electricity inside of your body, right? Yeah, like... So when you die, you just think it goes away? No.
It transfers to something else magical in the universe. This could be your dad.
Your dad could be in this guy. This could be Mr.
Lee. It's a Ligatee.
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. This could be Bob Lee's father.
This could be mr lee this could be bob lee's father this could be bob lee robert lee yeah they transfer energy to sing no never sung before yeah so if this was your dad you sing the song that he would sing if this was your father he doesn't know how to sing but let me hear you sing if this was If this was your dad, what would he sing? Okay, ready? Well, turn it off. I'll just do it.

Okay.

Bobby Bobby didn't get good grades

in high school. He always did

the drug. He stole $10,000

from the safe

in the closet.

I caught him masturbating

one time.

And then... Wait a minute.
You sold $10, grand from them? Yeah. Out of their safe? Yeah.
Why, why, why? Why do you... For drugs? Meth.
Isn't meth not that expensive? And others. Other things.
How much is meth? I'm serious. Back then, no.
What happened was... If I want to go get meth right now...
I don't know. I haven't done meth since I was 17.

Okay, back then when you got meth,

what does meth cost?

You go to your guy and you say,

yo, give me a fucking what?

I don't remember,

but I would assume I would probably give them 50 bucks for like a tiny rock like that.

And you'd crush it up?

I would crush it up.

And you'd snort it?

Yeah.

You never smoked it?

Why not?

Because I didn't know how to do it. I didn't have the...
Because I didn't really... Do you think that's a good thing? I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing.

I think that's a good thing. I think that's a good thing.
I think that's a good thing. didn't know how to do it.
I didn't have that. Because I didn't really.
There was no head shop in my town. So you wouldn't know where to get pipes and stuff.
I think you'd use tinfoil. But I didn't know how to do it.
No one around me did it. So we just snorted it.
And I didn't steal 10 grand like um in one shot yeah you just slowly were stealing yeah i stole about 10 grand through a period of like a year and a half and what did he say when he caught you he never caught me he fired a bunch of people what okay so what happened was on friday my dad had five clothing stores They were called Fashion Gal Yes Okay, so he had five Fashion Gals One in Encinitas, one in Escondido, a bunch of places And on Fridays, when I had my license, right He told me to pick up the money So being a drug addict, when I had my license, he told me to pick up the money.

So being a drug addict, I go – I asked for that job.

I go, after school, I could just go pick them up for you so you can play golf or whatever.

Was your dad a good golfer?

Oh, yeah.

He's won a lot of awards.

What do you mean won a lot of awards?

Trophies, I mean.

From what?

Tournaments.

Where?

Did you guys at a country club?

Yeah, Stone Ridge Country Club. Yeah.
You are fancy. That's right.
So on Fridays, I would go to all the stores. Yeah.
And the lady or whoever was the manager would put all the money in a brown paper bag. What? You guys have like a staple and what and i would take all the money he would put in the safe at home and then on monday he would deposit in the bank right right right so i i would go to all and i had i went and bought my own stapler so you could restable the bag yeah you're such a bad kid right so i would go to each store right I would take a couple hundred bucks right but eventually it didn't match up with the books so people started getting fired because of you yeah because of a 16 year old who was stealing yeah yeah yeah so like adults who had jobs I was like I don't know dad you tell me to pick it up that was my excuse and you it was about 10 grand.
He would never think that I would be the one.

So over like a period of year, year and a half, I would – eventually it turned out to be like 10 grand or whatever. So every week you were doing this?

Oh, yeah.

For a year and a half?

It supported my drug habit.

Wow.

Yeah.

Ingenious.

It's pretty smart.

Yeah, crafty.

Stupid for him to give you the access to that money.

Yeah. But then when I went to rehab i told him what did he say he was so livid yeah no shit yeah what did he say he didn't really say anything his his face turned all red and all the veins popped in his forehead when i told him but you're in a rehab with counselors and stuff it was like a safe space to say it it, right? And then he felt really bad for firing people.
Did he ever talk to those people again? I think he did something. I don't know what he did, but I think he did do something.
Called them because he blamed people. He was like, you're stealing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so fucked up, Bob.
I know. Did your mom ever say anything to you or she let you just get away with shit? Well, she didn't know.
I know when she found out, did she reprimand you or no? No, I went to rehab. When you're in rehab, it's safe, baby.
That's such bullshit. It's such a cop out.
No, it's not. If I sold 10 grand from my parents, they'd wait for me to get out and they'd be like, oh yeah, you good? And they'd beat the shit out of me when I got out.
My mom would throw fists. You have to also understand that I did living amends.
That doesn't... Look...
Living amends

is pure and simple.

This addict idea

that because you're an addict

and when you apologize

all is forgiven,

people can still want to

knock you the fuck out for that.

Like your dad should have

beat the shit out of you for that.

No.

Yes.

Oh, see,

what you're saying to me is this, right?

Yeah.

I'm strung out on drugs.

Yeah.

Right?

On the precipice of death.

Mm-hmm.

Okay?

Mm-hmm.

They're worried that I'm going to die.

I know.

Get better.

We miss you.

We love you.

So then they put me in a 45-day treatment center.

Yeah, for like 100 grand.

Yeah, for like 100 grand.

Right?

It's insane.

Because we had no health insurance.

No, I know.

Right.

Well, they don't pick up. It's out of pocket, out of pocket right and i went to three what yeah three different ones yeah jesus dude they went you went you got your fucking you got your bachelor's your master's and your doctorate yeah yeah and um but one of them wasn't an actual treatment was more of a detox kind of a place right but the two were full-fledfledged.
Ocean View Recovery Center and the McDonald's Center is where I went. Do they have McDonald's food there? Yeah.
They do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think Ronald McDonald does.
I don't know. Ron McDonald, you know that's a family member of mine.
It's my uncle, Uncle Ron. Yeah.
So anyway, so you're in a treatment center, 45 days.

They're not going to beat the shit out of you when you leave.

See, I would.

I still would.

I would say I'm glad you're healthy and you're alive and you're not on drugs, but I got to get you back for what you did.

What if I said as a son, I go, listen, I know I fucked up.

I'll make it up to you.

How?

By working at the store, which is what I did, for free until I'm paid off my debt. But don't most Asian kids work for their parents' store for free anyway? Yeah.
I grew up with a kid whose parents owned a dry cleaner's right up the street from us, and he worked there forever. Great kid.
Awesome family. But I always thought, i bet you they're giving him good money to work for

no the fear though is this i remember being at the store and my dad would say things like

one day this is all yours right or something like that and then you would have this dread going

i don't want to do this fashion girl fashion gal was it only women's clothes

yeah well it was like i think it was Elaine Bryant for ethnic women.

It was plus-size clothing for ethnic women?

Yeah, because it was a lot of Samoans women that would shop there.

Nothing against...

I love Samoans, but a lot of heavier Hispanic women.

So it's a big women's clothing store.

Why would you...

I think there was skinny stuff too, but mostly fat stuff, I felt like. Why'd your dad get into thicker, your mom was a tiny person.
Yeah. So she couldn't wear it.
So why would your dad get into thick women's clothing? I don't know how they, maybe. Do you know how the business started? I've never asked you about your dad's business.
Well my my dad – well, he started in the wig – wigs.

You know I was born in a wig store, right? No. Yeah.
You were? I was born in a wig store. Really? Yeah, in San Diego.
Like on a pile of wigs? But this is the scariest thing ever. Your mom is about to give birth and she – your dad's like, lay down, on a pile of wigs? Yeah.
But here's the scary part. so my parents

owned a week store

in downtown San

California pile of wigs yeah but here's the scary part huh so my parents owned a wig store in downtown san diego right which i was born there right and um time real fast why didn't you go to the hospital not enough time no no there was a hospital down straight when i was born there but i oh i thought you meant you were born in the wig shop no she didn't give birth in the wig store I don't know those Asians are hard workers I know I know it's not like they fucking you know what I mean had an eight hour shift they're like oh well we have to we have to walk you know what I mean do it here no no I was born in Sharp Hospital but then I lived in the wig store you guys lived there but here's the thing so then when my parents my dad started Fashion Cal my uncle took over the wig store right so all my life you know i mean even in high school and even when i was a stand-up right in my 20s i could go to that wig store and it's still there right wow and the here's the scary part is one time i was there my uncle goes come up here brosa so there's So there's an upstairs. It's an old building.
It's still around. He sold it, but it's still there.
And he brings me into this room where they have broken mannequin heads. Oh, so creepy.
Right, so there's all these shelves, right? And also, these mannequin heads are from the fucking 60s and 70s. Yeah.
Right? And you can tell that no one goes in this room. Right.
These cobwebs, right? Mannequin heads, right? But also all the plastic is off the eyes, right? And cracked. So creepy.
And in the middle of this fucking, right, is a cradle. A baby cradle thing? You slept in there? When you were taking a nap, that's where they'd put you? When I was a kid, since we didn't have a house, my parents lived in that wig store illegally.
And so, this is where you... You could just see all these heads staring down on me that's so fucking creepy it's so creepy do you remember growing up there at all like do you remember vivid images no but I do remember being raised by mannequins 80 people it felt like people would always just come and go maybe it was my first audience oh shit right maybe that's how i learned to perform you talk to the mannequins yeah yeah like this guy knows what i'm talking about yeah i grew up in a wig store bob what that's so sad why because it's just like such like a sad immigrant tale and i'm really happy that human trafficking i wasn't like I don't know.
I don't know. It sounds so close.
What do you mean? Just like the kid in the attic and stuff around the dead, around the mannequins that are fucked up and like downstairs, they're doing something illegal and wrong. And yeah, they probably had a conversation.
They're like, we can't, we can't sell them. No one wants to buy them.
Yeah. Yeah.
They try. But my brother got a real house, I think as a baby.
Right. When he grew grew up, he was, you guys had been in the house at that point, right? Yeah, we got a house then, but like, I remember my uncle showing me that shit.
It was just like. Did it bum you out? No, but it, no, it's almost as if, like, because I didn't know that.
That would bum me out if I saw that. No, I was in there, I'm like, wait, he goes there you you sleep there right I go what I looked at my uncle go what the fuck I slept here why would they keep it why would they keep the cradle as if we moved out right my uncle bought the store close the door went, let's close the door forever.

No one ever come back in here, right?

Because it was in the end of this hallway upstairs, right?

It was also, there's no electricity either on that side of the- Oh my God.

So you would walk and it get darker and darker as you go down this hallway.

Yeah.

And then by the end of the hallway, it's pretty pitch black, right?

And then when you would open the door, it was as if like the walls had openings in them.

Thank you. pretty pitch black right and then when you would open the door it was as if like the walls had openings in them like holes punched through the outside so there's light beaming in this is a horror movie no you grew up in a horror movie so there's light beaming in right so that's what i remember that's so fucked up that's's like a creepy, creepy memory.
Light shining through this tattered electricity-less room tucked away in the corner of a wig shop in San Diego. Yeah.
No wonder you did meth. I remember my mom.
I remember my mom. You know, ethnic women, they don't know the fucking rules.
Right. I remember my mom.
We were at a mall. Then we moved to Minnesota.
We were in a mall. I't know why this brought this memory brought up but it's funny to me right and i remember being in the mall and my mom's swimming in the fountain of the mall yeah just like no big like that's totally normal just yeah yeah my mom would do like things like that like like i knew as a kid socially you throw panties in their mom yep? My mom's in there like waiting, you know, washing her feet and like, you know what I mean? And like people walking by going.
Did security come? No. Nobody cared.
And then my mom would also do this. She would go like, we'd be at the North County Fair, which is another mall by my house when we came back to San Diego.
Yeah. And my mom would go, I'm tired.
And we're at the mall. Let's go home.
No, but I still have to shop. And then she would just take a nap.
In the middle of the mall? Not in the middle of the mall, like off to the side, you know what I mean, on a bench or something. Just squat and sleep? And she would just sleep there for like 30 minutes.
And my mom was just wandering around. It's so embarrassed because at that time we were like you know like 12 10 12

yeah yeah yeah

you know what I mean

so we're like

yeah you care so much

about looking cool

yeah yeah

you're like we're going

on a hot topic

later mom

yeah I love when

they don't know the rules

you know what I mean

and they just do

whatever they want

because there's these

weird social things

that I guess

don't exist over there

also why do they exist

why can't you take a

nap in the mall

just go home

but why can't you do that though

just go

why can't you go to the fountain

where there's water

and we're going to have a over there. Also, why do they exist? Why can't you take a nap in the mall? Just go home.
But why can't you do that, though? Why can't you go to the fountain where there's water and wade your feet in it? Because it gets dirty. Then that's gross.
That's unsanitary. It's true.
Yeah. If your mother had a cut, she could get infected.
Bacteria, she could die. It's a terrible idea.
I'm just saying, though. So I'm telling you why.
we have rules in America oh I see we can't just sleep in malls and wait in the fountains but yeah but I do think I told you about the jug of piss what so this is so funny so when I so now I'm a comic you know I'm on mad TV okayilling it. And I go, Dad, they had one fashion guy left.
Yeah. In some broken down mall.
They just slowly closed down. In Phoenix, Arizona.
Over time. Right? Yeah.
But they changed the name. It was called Changes.
It's like exactly what's going on in his life. Yeah, yeah and so my brother and i we drive to phoenix to do a surprise visit is that where your uncle lives too right no my my uncle lives in san diego oh so i go um let's go to changes and visit dad so we visit my dad and there's no one in the mall.
So sad. It's like a dead mall.
Yeah. Do you remember where it was? No traffic.
In Scottsdale. Not Scottsdale.
No, in like Mesa or Gilbert in one of those towns. Right.
And we go in. Why'd you make that face? Opinion.
What do you mean? I have an opinion. Go ahead.
Tell me the opinion. I went to Arizona State.
I lived in Phoenix, so I know all about it. So what Mesa killed? What is it about them? It's not so nice.
Okay. It's okay.
They're okay. That's where my mom lives now.
In Mesa? Yeah. She does? Yeah.
Mesa's gotten much nicer. Honestly, when I was there, it was different.
It was just a little bit like, uh-uh. You don't go,

eh, no.

But now,

that's where all the fucking,

the, the, the, uh. Who was there?

No, no, no.

The, the, the, the,

um,

spring training baseball

is all in Mesa now.

It's fucking,

I mean, it was too then,

but the neighborhoods

have gotten significantly nicer.

So we go and Vita changes

and my dad's standing there.

We're in this,

the store,

empty mall, right?

And we go, Dad, he was so happy. He says, oh, my sons.
You know what I mean? And we go around, right? And my dad's zipper. My dad's zipper is undone.
Is his dick out? Well, it was. It turns out it was.
Like father, like son, huh? like son huh? yeah yeah and we look down and there's a gigantic plastic like a jug like where you would put water in like a valley spring yeah yeah like a sparklets bottle? filled with urine like a five gallon drug of urine filled with urine. Did he not have a bathroom at the store?

He goes, I can't afford a I cannot afford an employee

so if I have to go to

the bathroom, because the bathroom was way down

on the other end of the mall. This is so sad.

I know. I have to be here.

Who

emptied it? I guess he just

that's why he got a big one.

A week, accumulate a week and

maybe on a Friday he would like

just throw it in the fucking gigantic dump funniest image in my head of your dad like you know the sparklet bottles have handles on them to carry yeah yeah your dad just carrying two sparklet bottles as he leaves them all he's like have a good night yeah dude jugs of piss yeah it was uh that's so sad he couldn't afford it was at the last store that was it huh then huh? Then retired, and then I was just like, I don't know what to do. We've got to close the store.
We've got to close the store. Was he going to give it to you and your brother? Was that like a thing? No.
He was never going to... There's no way.
It wasn't making any money. So I decided to send them money every month when you started making money

yeah I've been sending them

my parents money

ever since then

you send them the same amount of money

$3,500 a month

wow

because you were like

I want to just make sure

that they're okay

I go how much is all this shit

going to cost

right

you know what I mean

food

give me food

your phone bill

all that shit

tell me everything

and I'm going to send you this

right

you close that fucking store down

it's a money drainer

because it was just losing money

We'll be right back. food give me food your phone bill all that shit tell me everything and I'm gonna send you this right you close that fucking store down it's a money drainer because it was just losing money right you know what I mean we'll pay mortgage on the fucking house that you have here right and just chill but then they sold the San Diego now your mom's out there no this is all in Arizona oh that was all in Arizona yeah yeah oh wow yeah is she happy out there in Arizona? Oh, my God.
I want to show you something. This is so sad.
Yeah. I feel so bad.
Yeah. I don't.
I know. You just talk shit about my mom every time we bring it up.
And I haven't said anything mean about her so far, about your mom. You talk about her cross eyes and stuff.
One obviously lower and crossy it's just it's yeah like that picture when i go through your instagram sometimes your mom is a chupacabra huh huh chupacabra oh really yeah okay all right so if you talk about my motherfucking mom yeah right again right your mom is a fucking beast remember that and she spawned a fucking dirty beast like you

right

and you

you right your mom is a fucking beast remember that

and she spawned

a fucking

dirty beast

like you

right

and you guys

are fucking animals

right

you know at nights

I hear coyotes

right

I go Mrs. Santino

I'll yell that

under the fucking

it's not even her name

that's not even her name

whatever her name is

yeah you don't know

well you know

I don't know her language

I don't know that language

right

so don't ever

fucking come at me

about my mom

okay

yeah

Thank you. Yeah, you don't know.
Well, you know, I don't know her language. I don't know that language.
Right? So don't ever fucking come at me about my mom. Okay? Yeah.
I take a bath in a fountain. Oh.
Yeah. So this is our exchange, my mom and I.
Yeah. Since the pandemic.
Every night, she sends me a meme right beautiful and sunny day

not too hot or cold

the perfect weather

love Uma

at first I thought

this was Hiroshima

it's a sunset

I know but at first

I was like

what the fuck

she's lost her mind

right

she'll send me this

goodnight

and sweet dreams

and just some

that's really sweet

flowers

that's cute

she does it

every fucking night

and what do you send back

Bob

Thank you. Love you, mother.
That's nice. You know what I mean? She sent me this the other night.
I'm not perfect, but I'm always myself. That's really sweet.
Yeah. She's a sweet woman.
And I never even read this. Let's read it together.
Yeah, let's hear it. If you knew how hard it was, how long it took to rebuild my little universe of peace and happiness, then you would understand why I'm so picky about who I allow in my life.
Hmm. I don't get it.
Is your mom like a teenage white girl? It's the weirdest That's so strange It's so strange Yeah so she said You know Here's a weird one I just saw this one right? It says stay safe But What the fuck is the It's the Oh it's a guy It's like the symbol they use for depression When people are depressed But that's strange right? She's trying to tell you something You think she is? Stay safe I kill myself in four months Stay safe I'm not gonna be Did you finish your pump? Let me see it Let's see the pump right now I'm excited to see the pump It what do you mean it's bad i bet you it's not bad at all all right oh yeah show it to that camera that's your camera over there really cool oh that looks awesome so that's that's uh that she put bf there yeah bad friends that's that's that's uh that's uh mike from uh no is that mike wakowski from monsters oh yeah yeah that's what it looks like what what's his name mike wakowski from it's one eye right yeah he's one eye yeah yeah isn't that his name you guys yes monsters inc monsters inc yeah but his last name was mike you know what i didn't get that I've never seen anything like that I think that's creative it's awesome you make the little eyeball can we have it can I can you oh no no leave it in front of you Rudy Jules I think that's a phenomenal punk thank you I think you did a great job Bob you like it you know what I think she's creative I wouldn't be able to do that alright here can I have the pumpkin hold on one second okay

and I want all of us to say

thank you for being a bad friend

thank you for being a bad friend

yay Jules