President Lee Addresses the Nation and Santino Is Back!

This is a message from sponsor Intuit TurboTax.

Taxes was getting frustrated by your forms.

Now, Taxes is uploading your forms with a snap and a TurboTax expert will do your taxes for you.

One who's backed by the latest tech, which cross-checks millions of data points for absolute accuracy,

all of which makes it easy for you to get the most money back, guaranteed.

Get an expert now at TurboTax.com.

Only available with TurboTax live full service. See guaranteed details at TurboTax.com.
Only available with TurboTax live full service. Seek guaranteed details at TurboTax.com slash guarantees.
Attention Riso Audioma victims. If you or a loved one has Riso Audioma and it's causing terrible headaches and fits of rage, we feel your pain.
It's terrible that George's annoying laughter has put innocent Americans in harm's way. Call us right now.
Call the Santino and Lee law firm 1-888-431-3611. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
I'm back, y'all! And I'm back, y'all! And I'm biggity back, and I'm back, y'all! First of all, George, before we start, this is regular Red Bull. Ruh-roh.
Ruh-roh, Scoob. Do you have the sugar-free? Do you have the sugar-free, George? Or no? Because otherwise, we're throwing a fit.
I'm not going to throw a fit. I'm throwing a fit.
I'm not throwing a fit. He wants sugar-free, George.
By the way, you know those things. What's the difference between sugar-free anyway? Sugar-free is...
Well, one sugar, and the other one has taurine.

Well, it's fake sugar, which is worse for you, so you should just drink good sugar, real sugar.

Really?

Real sugar is not—yes, fake sugar is so bad for you.

So this has real sugar in it.

Well, look at it.

What does it say?

I don't know.

I don't drink Red Bull.

It says taurine, lightly carbonated.

Taurine is the energy element.

What's the sugar element?

The sugar element is—

Do you think taurine is sugar? Do you think taurine is sugar? It could be. Man, it's good to be back.
No, because I'll tell you why. A lot of times they hide certain ingredients, right? And it's something else, but I don't know the technical term.
I'll give you an example. It says here niacinamide, right? Oh, you know what niacinamide is? It could be – but here's the thing.
It's a balance inhibitor. It makes sure that your balance is good even when you're running at a high level.
It could be like bulldick, ground-up bulldick. But then they put a term on it, niacinamide, and I'm drinking bulldick, but I'm really you know what I mean, but I think it's Niassai Manide.
Do you really think there's bull dick in there? I think there's some dick in here. Yeah, I think there's some dick in here.
There is some dick, but I don't think it's bull dick. I've heard stories that there's like Red Bull, what is it? There's some bullish elements in here.
Well, do you want to know the history of it? Yeah, I'd love to. Seriously, it was created by a German guy.
Yeah. And it's like 20 years old.
It only came to America the past 10 years. Yeah, because I went to Thailand.
They have the Red Bull there as well. Red Bull started in Thailand.
I think it started in Thailand. It did.
Listen. Yeah.
A German guy stole the company, like stole the idea, and brought it to Germany and the Netherlands. And that's where it started to grow in Europe.
He stole the idea. It translates to Red Bull.
The name of the company translates to Red Bull. I'm dead serious.
In Thai, Red Bull. I'm smiling because I'm just good to see you back.
I know. I'm glad to be back.
In Thai, Red Bull, to say it, it's, that means Red Bull. Is that Thai? I know.
What did you do to my head? By the way, we got these great figurines from Van Dool, and my head broke. We're going to glue it back on, and I'm really sad.
Somehow my head broke. Dude, what's the...
Hey. Oh, fuck.
What is this? Get this off. Why is this here? Well, you didn't even let George explain why.
Don't shake the table, because then I won't get... Then my head will fall off again.
What is this? What is it today, Bob? Do you want to ask George? Do you want to ask George why he did... George, do you have sugar-free Red Bull for him? I'll go buy some, sir.
Yeah, yeah. Also, what does four mean? This is our fourth podcast? What does the four mean? Thank you, George.
I love you. It's our fourth podcast.
No, but we've done way more than four. We've done more than four.
It's my birthday today. Today is my birthday.
No, it's not. Yes, it is.
Today is my born day. I was born today.
There's no way today is your birthday. Yes, it is.
Can I read you the text that my mother sent me? Honestly, I got to look it up because if I didn't know it was your birthday, and I'm going to feel so guilty. Yeah.
No, I knew you would know, and I said to them, I knew. Andrew Santino.
I said, I'll bet $1,000.

I tell these guys, he'll never know my birthday.

Santino birthday.

Did you know it was my birthday?

No, happy birthday to him.

Thanks.

Yeah, thanks.

And you know what's so fucked up about this?

October 16th.

That's my birthday.

That's today.

Oh, fuck.

That's today.

Well, I got you something.

What'd you get me?

Regular.

I know you don't like sugar.

Does that have bull dick in it?

It's got bull dick.

Oh, I love these.

It's going to dick. Oh, I love these.
It's got 99 sign. I don't drink this.
I don't drink that stuff, but thank you. Is it really? How old are you? I feel so bad.
37. You don't feel bad at all.
Don't lie. No, I'll tell you why.
Liar. Because for my birthday, right, you got me stuff.
I got you a Chris DiStefano, and I got you a cake, and he got you ramen noodles. And they got you Corona.
So, you know what I mean? That was for your birthday. That was an early birthday.
No, no, no. That was your birthday gift.
Oh, that was my birthday to give you Corona. Was to give me Corona.
Yeah. Ironically enough, I brought a gift to the studio, and it's for Rudy Jules, because I think she deserves it.
I'm 37. 37.
Wow, you're that much younger than me. Mm-hmm.
I've got so much more life to live but you look so much older fuck you

this is from this company

my Los Angeles

look what they got for Rudy

show everybody at home

show Tito

and show the people

what did she need more than anything

what did you get sick of

what did you get sick of Bob

her repulsive sandals

she finally got new sandals

say thank you my Los Angeles Thank you. What did you get sick of? What did you get sick of, Bob? Her repulsive sandals.

She finally got new sandals.

Say thank you, Ma Los Angeles.

Thank you.

Thank you, Ma Los Angeles.

What are those?

Birkenstocks?

No.

That's a competitor, dude.

What's it called?

Ma Los Angeles.

Oh, I love Ma Los Angeles.

Look on the bottom.

It says it.

Read it out loud.

Say what it is.

They sent you shoes.

What does it say on the bottom of the shoe? Ma Los Angeles. Ma Los Angeles.
That's a company. Ma LA.
Try them on. And put your foot up.
Let people see your foot. Let's see it.
Hold on. Put your foot up so people can see the old sandals to the new sandals.
Put your foot up so people see. Also, this will end up on like Wiki feed or something.
Now I just realized. Gross.
Let's see the old sandals. My feet is dirty.

Yeah, we know. Okay, those are the old ones.

Look at those fucking things. I know, those are

mongo feet. Jesus Christ.

You can climb the fuck out of a tree, dude. You can water ski

on those. I know.
Oh, I like it.

Like, if she was an Eskimo, she wouldn't need

those shoes. Snowshoes?

Yeah, yeah. They would look down and be like,

you're okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take your shoes off.

Let me see what they look like. Are they comfy?

Yeah.

In fact, throw those other ones away.

Right in the trash. Right over there.
Please.

Honestly, I don't ever want to see those ever again.

Look at how sad she is. Those are like, they're from home.

They're my only reminder of the Matalan.

Who made the other ones? Those had to have been

handmade. I don't know.
I think Alayla

just gave it to me.

Ah.

Yeah.

Well, I gave you new sandals from my Los Angeles, so thank you.

Very nice.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.

No, you're not.

Yeah, I'll tell you why I am.

By the way, it's my first day back from COVID, and I was like, I'm coming back.

We're shooting on my birthday.

He won't even know or care.

And you know what?

Ding, ding, ding. I was right.
I care. i care i feel bad you know i'll tell you why i'm mad at facebook because usually um i'm not on facebook is that why yeah i don't do facebook because i get notifications that's how you know that's how i know so it'll say um bobby it's you should wish cassie not you but Cassie, happy birthday.
And I always go, no, and I turn it off, right? But if they said it, why aren't you on Facebook? Why do I want to be on Facebook? You know who's on Facebook? Like aunts, like moms and aunts. I know, but your family and stuff.
You can reach out to cousins. I have high school friends I'm friends with on Facebook.
The moment I moved to California, I cut those people out of my life. That's right.
I don't talk to people. Oh, family.
Oh, but we miss you. Don't forget where you came from.
That's why I moved away. Leave me alone.
No, I connect with them in real life. Not Facebook.
I connect with them on like, you know, on email or pictures or text. I stay in good contact with my fam.
Have you noticed, too, that I'm not being mean anymore? Yeah, it's a little annoying. I wish you would get back to where you were.
No, no, no, I can't. Why? I'm not going to be mean.
All right, you can be mean. You know, because when I turned 50, I'm 49, I mean, right? Yeah.
And then when you got COVID, I cared so much. I know it hurt me.
I'm like, please, Lord, please don't let him die.

I have proof that you talk shit about me on video games saying people were like, what if Santino dies?

And you're like, if he dies, he dies.

No, I never said that.

I have audio proof of that.

Literally never said that.

I have audio proof.

I'm going to play it on next week's episode.

Play it next week because you'll have to make it up because I never said that.

Who am I playing with?

I'm not playing with anybody online.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm playing with my brother who doesn't stream and this kid Dylan.

Dylan.

No, Dylan doesn't stream.

Dylan streams.

No, he doesn't.

He's been recording stuff behind your back.

And I have not been talking about you.

You're trusting Dylan.

I don't ever talk about you.

I don't give a fuck.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

I don't talk about-

Can this be about me for a second?

It's my day.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Can I read you what my mom said to me?

What? The Beast. Read me what the Beast said.
Honestly? Yeah, yeah. Don't.
I was just trying to get back to my old self. Yeah, but other stuff.
Okay. I apologize.
Thinking of my boy this morning. That's what I hear.
You know how pretty my mom is compared to your mom? It's unbelievable. I know.
My mom's actually pretty, and your mom is, you know, a decrepit swath. My mom is a yellow cockroach.
One of her eyes is much lower on her cheek. Look, George went and got you a sugar-free Red Bull.
You're such a fucking brat. Thank you, George.
I was just kidding. I don't give a fuck.
No, you fucking weren't. I was just kidding.
George, you went to the store? You were not kidding. That's ridiculous.
You're such a bitch. Oh, man.
And listen to what she said. Yeah.

I have so many fond memories of you.

How you used to run away from me, and I couldn't run with groceries, so I got scared.

You used to crawl out of your crib at two and use the wall as a backboard to throw toys back in your crib and climb back in.

Yeah.

The rage started there.

How we had to change preschools three times because you were very bored and too

disruptive. You're dumb.

No, I just would get into fights and ruin stuff.

Yeah, because your emotions, you couldn't handle your emotions.

I hear you talk.

We probably should have skipped kindergarten and moved right

into first grade. But one of my

favorites is when you were telling

dad about the D.C. trip you were going to take.

We were going to go to D.C. in high school

to go to see the White House. Bob, don't fall asleep.
I'm not. I'm trip you were going to take.
We were going to go to D.C. in high school to see the White House.

Bob, don't fall asleep. I'm not.
I'm just

focusing. Piece of shit.

You're a piece of shit. I love your mom.

God, you're such an annoying person. She's a wonderful person.

I'm so happy to be back. How are you,

Rude? I'm good.

I'm back in the studio, baby.

Huh? Misinformation.

I feel so good. You don't know what it's like living with her.
That feels good. She's a good girl.
First of all, this is what she does. I'll record it.
Every day I go, how are you? Or how was school? Or how are you feeling? Yeah. Not one time has she ever asked how I am, what I ate, what I'm going to do.
Wait, wait going to do why would she want to know what you ate? what a weird thing to say I always ask her because sometimes we don't have dinner together like last night I go what did you have for dinner tonight? but that's selfish, you just want to know because you like to think about food a lot that's not true when you ask somebody how you feel how are you feeling? that fucking weird no but the food thing is weird what did you eat the food thing fuck the food thing i shouldn't even use that an example you shouldn't have so wait do you do you never ask him how he feels jules i think i asked him like three days ago if he was depressed oh yeah because i mope around and also i only I only do that. That one specific case, when she asked me, I exaggerated, right, my mood so that she would ask me.
So I was like, I woke up. I'm walking through the house.
Oh, no. Right? I'm kind of like, you know what I mean? And I walk in a circle.
Oh, no, no, no. Right? Woo! Right? And she goes, how are you? Are you depressed? That's very nice.
That's conscious. But I only did that so she could...
I want her to ask when I'm not acting like that. How would she know then if you're depressed? It's not about depressing.
It's just I want her to ask me how I'm feeling about my day. How often do you really...
I have fucking dreams, Andrew. What? What are your dreams? I want to fly in the sky.
You'll never be able to. You're too heavy.
I know. Too bottom heavy.
No, but that's just a metaphor, right? Oh. Right? I want to soar.
Well, you are soaring, Bob. I want to be free.
Look at you. You're doing so well.
I know, but I just need people around me in my house to care about... Who are asking you constantly? Constantly.
One time! Every day I fucking... How often do you ask her, really? Every day.
Yeah, every day. And how often do you genuinely ask him how he is? How many times since we've lived together in the last eight months? Be honest.
Maybe five times. That's dope.
One time time are you depressed three days ago you've never asked me before fuck you okay i love you but thank fuck you you know so my point is is this well no time out let's get her perspective why do you feel like you don't knowing that he gets bothered by it why don't you ask him more often yeah because i'm scared that if that if I ask, because he's always grumpy every morning. He is, yeah.
He's grumpy even in the afternoon. That's an attack on me.
No, he's grumpy in the evening. When is he not grumpy? Yeah, so I don't want to like...
Oh, I'm grumpy at night too? Is that what you're saying? Sometimes. How? In what way? Like when you're done with your game.
Oh, okay. All right, so you fucking...
Look at you. What you're doing right now.
I'm excited. No, no, no, no.
So what you're saying is this. Hear me out.
At two in the morning when I'm done playing, when you're fucking asleep because you have school at 6.30 in the morning, you witness me being grumpy? No, like at... That's crazy.

Like at 9 or 10.

9 or 10.

So you think I walk through the house

at 9 or 10 angry and depressed?

Sometimes you sigh a lot.

Oh, you sigh.

A very big sigh.

And if one sighs, right?

If you sighed a lot,

I go, hey, bud, what's the matter?

No, you wouldn't.

You wouldn't even notice I was sighing.

But if someone in my house is sighing a lot, I would take it as an annoying indication that they want attention.

If you walked through my house and went, I go, what?

What is that?

What do you want?

I do that a lot.

I sigh a lot at night.

That's interesting.

Because you want someone to go, what's wrong?

That's the reason why you have never asked me how I'm feeling.

I don't want to annoy you. Oh, that's very nice.
There's no reason why you have never asked me how I'm feeling.

I don't want to annoy you.

Oh, that's very nice.

She doesn't want to annoy you. She doesn't want to bother you.

She acts.

She acts.

She acts?

She acts.

Okay, she'd be axing what?

She'd be axing.

Yeah.

As if I'm like Kanye or something.

To her, maybe you are. I'm not.
Are you sure? I almost voted for him yesterday. Are you being serious? Well, I saw the ballot box.
I got the ballot in the mail. Yeah.
Right? And he's first, by the way, on my thing. He's first, but he's only running for vice president here.
And then I Googled the Mexican guy that he's running with. Yeah, Rocky de la...
Rocky de la... De la forte.
And then he was a nice old white Mexican man. He looked nice.
Yeah. And I just, I don't know what it was, but I just wanted to, as a laugh and as a joke, fill it out.
Well, I didn't vote for him. Yeah, I didn't vote for him either.
I did a write-in. What do you mean? You can write in your own candidate.
Who'd you write in? I'm not going to tell you who I wrote in. But I wrote in somebody.

Ron Howard.

No.

Well, you love Red...

No, I wrote in Jackie Chan.

What does that make you...

I wrote in Jackie Chan.

Why did that make you angry?

See, you deserve that.

Your head fell off.

I feel bad for Vanduul.

Thank you for these things.

It sucks that my head broke.

You broke it.

I didn't.

I saw you do it.

The table broke it.

This table sucks.

No, I wrote in a candidate. If you're not going to tell me who it is, we can move on from that.
No, we can say it. Tell me.
It's an actor. Let me guess.
Mm-hmm. Redhead.
Seth Green. Why? No, it's not a red.
Why are you going to redheads? It's not a redhead. I would just think that you would.
Because for me, right, there was a congressman running.

Yeah.

I never even knew who he was.

And I'm going to get in trouble for saying this.

David Ryu?

No.

Something Fong.

Oh, I saw it on the thing.

Yeah, I saw it. So right.

And I didn't know.

I didn't hear any.

I didn't know who any of these people were.

Yeah.

So I was with Kalilah and I filled out Fong.

Yeah.

And she goes, she caught me.

She's like, are you voting for accusation?

I go, no, I just... these people were yeah so i like i was with kalilah and i filled out fong yeah and she goes she caught me she's like are you voting from because asian i don't know i just like his details and his fucking um i like his um stances on the props like i try to make something up yeah way off prop 12 where he says about the thing he really has it right on that one yeah and she's like, you just fucking voted for him because he's like, oh yeah.

Yeah, that's fine. Is that fine?

Do you think black people didn't vote for Obama because he was do you think there's got to be some black people

that just were like, I want to vote for Obama because he's black.

Right, right. There's nothing wrong.
If you want to vote, vote for who

you want to vote for. Who the fuck cares? That's what I did.

Do you think that... Wait, oh

you can't vote. I can't.
No, she can't.

But do you think, let me ask you this.

Good. Do you think that Joe Biden asked Kamala, right, because Kanye ran? Because their names sound alike? Yes.
No, that's not why. That's not why.
That's exactly what I thought. Just think of my thinking.
Kamala Kanye. No, just think of my thinking.
Kamala versus Kanye. Think of my thinking for a second, all right? All right? I'm going to ax you something.
Ax me, please. Okay.
is um so you know obviously this is what the theory or is is that um some i don't know who but somebody encouraged kanye to run from the republican side i would say someone someone in kanye's head maybe it could have been somebody in his head it could be somebody in his head right you gotta run he's like i gotta run but so that could have scared people right going he's gonna get you know black votes just because he's kanye right to take away from the right so do you think that biden got kamala because of that fact not because of that fact but i think he got there's a combination of things blm all kinds of stuff going on can i tell you something yeah yes you're right no are you being sarcastic no that no i think biden got kamala yes he wanted to get a black woman is a is a good it helps i think he i imagine he thinks she's very uh qualified and great and is going to do great yeah but also yeah don't wouldn't you okay how about this if you were running for president who would be your vice president it would happen to be somebody completely opposite from me right right joe Joe Biden's an old white guy. Yeah.
He got a young – I would get a fat black man. So you'd run with? Somebody I know.
I don't want to call him out, but he's got funny glasses. So you'd run with? I'm not going to call him out.
So your running mate would be? Chunko. We know Chunko.
So mean. He's so chunky, though.
He just texted me earlier. But who'd you run with? The opposite of me.
No, I couldn't ask Chunko because I would want somebody with, like, that could do it. Because obviously, if I'm running, I know my frailties.
I'm not like Trump where I'm like, I know everything, right? Trust me. I know my frailties.
You'd go back on so much. I know I'll be fucked, right? So I'm going to need somebody, right, that, you know what I mean, could really back me up.
Imagine how big your teleprompter would need to be. You can't read the TV that's three feet away.
Oh, no, I would never read the prompter. So what would you do with speeches? You'd improvise every speech? Every speech.
All right, here we go. A national address right now.
You're the president of the United States. Oh, no, I would never read the prompter.
So what would you do with speeches? Improvise. Oh, you'd improvise every speech?

Every speech.

All right, here we go.

A national address right now.

You're the president

of the United States.

Oh, God, not this.

Yes, we're going to do it.

You're going to look

right into your camera

right there.

No, no, this one right here.

That one straight ahead.

Which one, right here?

I want you to make

a national address

to the country

to tell them that we're...

I'm not going to be funny

about it, but I want to be real.

Yeah, of course.

That's what they need out of you.

You're the president.

Because a lot of times

when I do these improvs,

I lean toward funny. Don't be funny.
I'm not going to do it. I want to be real about it, of course.
That's what they need out of you. You're the president.
Because a lot of times when I do these improvs, I lean toward funny. Don't be funny.
I want to be real about it. This is real.
All right. Okay, so I want you— Do not laugh.
I'm not going to. Because it's not funny.
Tell her. She's the one that does it.
All right. I want you to address the nation and tell them that we're— What's going on, though? Tell me the scenario.
Can I tell you? Yeah. We're under attack right now.
We've had a terrorist attack. Okay? Okay.
All right? Where? In New York City in the subway line.

Okay, okay.

But can I tell you what was going on down there?

What?

A bunch of terrorists decided to start raping.

Okay, okay, okay.

That's all you need to know.

Raping and killing people in the subway.

You're my secretary of defense.

In the subway.

This is what's going to go on backstage, by the way.

You're my secretary of defense.

You're telling me. Okay, sir, a bunch of people.

I got it.

Okay, so you need to address the country.

I got it.

In three. You said terrorists? Two.
of people. I got it.
Okay, so you need to address the country. I got it.
In three, two, one. Heary, heary.
Look there. Okay, well.
You're my secretary. Heary, heary to the people.
I, your president, have a national address for you. As we know, our Constitution creates a foundation for which we must react to global epidemics and also national ones.
And something horrific occurred in New York City. I also want to add that I, as president, to the people, right, based on all the amendments, especially the second one, and all of them, they're all important, by the way.
The amendments were created, right, as, you know, a tool set in which we can look down the line. We have 50-plus amendments.
There are a lot. There are a lot, all right? Tell them what happened.
We'll get to that because I know that I have to fill 30 minutes, right? Yeah, but they want to know what happened.

Tell them what happened, sir.

Sir.

I'm sorry.

People are dying.

This is no laughing matter.

I apologize.

This is no laughing matter, right?

Yesterday, last night.

Last night?

Last night at 2 in the morning so technically today so technically today although some would assume that it happened yesterday because it happened in the wee hours yesterday at 2 in the morning in the subways of our great city of New York, which is

a part of the United States of America.

Yeah.

I'm sorry.

I don't know why. Sorry.
What happened, sir?

A gig of terrorists.

ISIS, a.k.a. Al-Qaeda.

A.k.a. You know, from Turkey.
What? Yeah, Hassan. Okay.
Hassan and his wife. Okay.
Hassan and his wife, right? They dispatched their cronies, a.k.a. the ISIS, right, to come into our great city of New York, which happens to be in the United States of America, right, to terrorize us, right, with their ideology that's based on scriptures that don't go against the Bible.

They do go against the Bible.

They have a different ideology.

Although, be it, we have freedom of religion in this country.

Yes.

So you may worship any god as you want.

So I am not judging one's religion or sect or dominatrix.

Dominatrix, right?

But yesterday at 2.32 a.m. of today, right, in the subways of our great city, you know, they attacked a bunch of elderly people in the subways.

Now, this elderly group of people were going to a volleyball game. They were going to a volleyball tournament, right, in Brooklyn, right? They were going from Queens to Brooklyn, right? They were this elderly volleyball team, right? They're called the Hazmatics.
And they were fighting, you know what I mean? The Crutchers. Crutchies.
The crutchies in the final senior citizen volleyball tournament. Championships.
Right. Championships in Brooklyn.
And they were waiting for the subway, right? And as you know, at 2.30, 2 in the morning, the subwaves, they don't – they're not as active as often, right? And they come in waves, the subwaves. So in the window between, you know what I mean, stop and go, between the two junctions, right, to the people, right? Hiri.
Right? No, I'm not done. Oh, shit.
I'm not done, yeah. A gang of al-Qaeda, Assad terrorists, right? They came in with their masks.
We had no idea what was going on. We also have the best police force in the subways of New York, right? And they patrol them at every hour, in every station, in every point.
And we are salutes to them. So we salute them.
All the seniors were raped. They were raped.
They were bent over the benches down there in the subways in a line, right? And these Al-Qaeda ISIS people, right? They bent each one of them over. They lube their dicks because, as you know, American citizens and senior citizens, they have dry orifices.
Because they're getting old, right? They were raped, then murdered, then left to rot. This morning at 8 in the morning is when they were found.
So, heary, heary, heary. God bless America.
We will get these perpetrators. And so long.
Honestly? Yeah, pretty good. I mean, as your secretary of defense, I'm impressed.

Thank you.

And that's no teleprompter.

You did it, no telly.

No teleprompter, looking in the camera.

You were very coherent.

Coherent.

You were fluid.

I had information.

Lots of information.

Lots of information.

Yeah.

And I feel like I would have, I think Americans would applaud.

I think we did.

Yeah, and I think the poll numbers would be favorable. Through the roof.
And I think that I would get another term. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. At least I think you might crack the mold and get two or three extra on top of it.
I wouldn't be able to do it because of pressure. I wouldn't be able to be president.
I've been watching the show on Netflix. It's called Criminal.
Oh, yeah. You told me.
What is it? Is it good? Well, it's basically what it is is the whole – there's a lot of set pieces, right? It's basically in the interrogation room is when it all starts. Yeah.
So it will start with a guy, you know what I mean, being accused of something, right? And it's like – Don't spoil anything. I'm not going to.
But it's all the episodes start that way. Yeah're in an interrogation room it's like a dateline right and they're being interviewed by and you don't know what you know they're accused of until the dialogue it's really well written right and a lot of them are um some of them are innocent some of them are not and all episodes revolve around one case right but i realized by watching criminal that that's the reason why i don't commit crimes is because i wouldn't be able to lie in those situations ah right i think the pressure would get to me right and i even if i had a plan i would be so scared in there yeah trying to pretend to make up shit right to make up shit that i wouldn't be able to get my story straight.
I would crumble. They would get me.
What about this? Okay, so your theory is that by watching those shows, it deters you from doing something bad. Yeah, I mean, I don't know.
No, no, no. There's some validity to it.
Yeah, there is validity. It's a question I've always asked myself.
Do I not commit crimes because I'm a good person? Or do I not commit crimes because I just don't want the consequences of it? I think the B. I'm going to take the latter.
You think so? I think because you don't want to get in Trub Trub. Yeah, but there's also crimes that I wouldn't want to do.
There's crimes I wouldn't want to do. Okay, sure, but how fun would it be to rob a bank? Fun.
Yeah, but if they knew that I wasn't going to kill them, that wouldn't be fun because I wouldn't get the money. Well, what do you mean? If you went in there without a gun? Yeah.
Well, no, I even had a gun, right? I think they would be able to read the bank teller that I'm not going to hurt them. Well, what if you threatened them with other stuff? If you broke into the bank.
Oh, like a little mini baseball bat. Yeah, a little tiny, like something that wasn't going to kill them just hurt them a little bit.
Hey! Well, I would have to hide it in my jacket, right? And they would say, I'll come to the front counter. Yeah.
Or the, is that what it's called? I guess. Yeah, yeah.
I don't know, account, yeah, it's account banker, teller. Yeah, yeah, teller, I go to the teller.
And she would probably say something like, may I help you? Hi, can I help you? What are you doing today? What can I do for you today? Oh, you know what I would do? I'd be the note guy. Oh, what's that? Sometimes they say it.
Are you sliding me a note, sir? Yeah, I would give him a note. And I would point to it.
It would probably say on the – it would be folded. And I would say open.
Okay, I just – So they would open it, right. Okay, this is – So I wouldn't have to say anything.
This is a grocery list from Trader Joe's. Right.
And I would probably have boxes in there. Okay.
Like, where you can check. Oh, what I wanted...
Am I okay with something? No, no. I would ask it, like, may I have all the money in the bank? Oh, no.
Oh, you would say that? Yeah. The note boxes.
I wouldn't want to... I wouldn't want to give them the option.
You... Okay, so you...
So what does the note say? Just one box. Yes, and that's it.
Hey, give me the money, yes, no? I would probably say, give me the money, I'm strapped with bombs. Whoa.
Yeah. So I'm wearing an overcoat jacket, as you can tell, right? And I'm strapped with 3,000 magnitude bombs.
3,000 magnitude? Yeah, yeah, yeah. With Pro-Matic ice.
Taurine? Ice. What? Is Taurine in there? Yes.
Wow. Taurine, yeah.
Isovallicular, you know what I mean? Acid. Isovallicular acid is in there.
Yeah. And also napalm.
Nate-ton. Yeah.
Some sort of, they wouldn't know. No, they would have no idea.
They're not making it up, but they wouldn't know, right? But they would go, but just in case. Enough to, you know what I mean, dishevel.
Enough to blow up the whole city. Just dishevel the area.
And you think- I'd say dishevel. But what if they give you just a couple hundred bucks? If that's all this bank has, is a credit union.
I'll go Dunkin' Donuts. I'll go straight to Dunkin' Donuts.
Sir, you robbed a school credit union. That's fine.
We have $780 here. I'll get the $780.
Okay. Give them the $780.
That's pretty good money. Yeah.
Yeah. I think you don't commit crimes because you know better.
But also on your point of why you don't commit crimes because of those shows, it's like back when Marilyn Manson, they were like, he's making kids do crazy stuff. Or they're like, murderous video games are bad.
But then they turn out that that's not true even a little bit, that rates don't go up because of video games or because of television shows. In fact, it can be the opposite.
Yeah. But here's some controversy that just hit the airwaves.
It's like, wait, just real quick. It's like, does life imitate art or does art imitate life? One and the same.
Right. They're intermingling.
They're intermingling. They coexist.
Like the yin and the yang. Exactly.
They coexist. Here's a good one.
They're bringing back cops. Bad boys! They're bringing it back.
People got mad. They wanted it off.
Now it's back on the air. Cops, the show Cops.
The longest running fucking show about police officers in the history of television. Cops, C-O-P-S, Cops.
Do you hear me right? Yeah, I hear you. No, honestly, it's a show then.
Television show Cops. They used to be on and they're bringing it back.
Is that what you're saying? It was on forever. It was all controversy.
They took it away because- I never saw it. How did you not see Cops? Is it like- She's not even from here.
Do you know what Cops is? No. Say yes.
Yes. See? Is it like an NCIS show where they like- No, man.
It's a reality show where cops with bodies- Oh, it's a reality? It's real. They follow cops with cameras and they show them like busting people and shit.
Cool. Holy fuck.
I can't believe you've never seen cops. I have to show you a scene from cops.
I've seen cops. You fucking idiot.
You know, you say that and then piece of me knows the whole time that you have already seen it. And then a piece of me goes, he's going to say that he's seen it to make me feel stupid, but him less uncomfortable.
No, there's a Bill Hicks joke

where he talks about

the show Cops.

Uh-huh.

About,

they were usually

in trailer parks.

Uh-huh.

Right?

I remember seeing it

as a growing up.

Cops.

But you watched the show

or you just made a joke?

I loved watching the show.

It's always the same thing.

It's different cities,

you know what I mean?

Yeah.

So,

I lied to you.

Yeah,

it's a bad lie.

I'm very,

no,

I shifted your mindset

and I deceived you a bit

and you believed me

and I was like lied to you. Yeah, it's a bad lie.
I'm very – no.

I shifted your mindset and I deceived you a bit and you believed me.

And I win that one.

Sorry I believed you.

Sorry I believe that you're dumb enough to not know what cops are because I did sink on that.

Because you are stupid.

I know so many things that you're not even aware of.

Name some things that you know that I don't know.

There it is, ladies and gentlemen.

No, no. Right, right.
Okay. Who created the show X-Files? Come on.
Who? Scannifon. No.
Yeah, Scannifon did. Chris Carter.
Yeah, Chris Carter. You don't know.
Yeah, the football player, Chris Carter, the ex-NFL player. I'll start with more information I know that you don't know.
Okay. Who produced the first four Talking Heads albums? Marcus Lofield.
Don't know. No.
Brian Eno. China Eno.
Brian Eno. Brian Eno did.
Yeah, yeah. My point is...
I want to say happy birthday to John Mayer because we share a birthday today and we're best buds and we both... We love Johnny.
We love Johnny Mayer. We love Johnny, but what a nice guy.
Hey, can I tell you something else moving forward? But I highly recommend the show Criminal. It's better than Cops.
Doubt it. Doubt it.
Andres is our lover boy, our fancy bee. Andres, say hi.
Hello. Sweetheart.
Two monumental things happened with Andres. When I was sicky sick sick, someone sent me a clip clip of a guy on TikTok, and they said it looks exactly like Andres okay okay you you tell me and rudy you chime in if you think this this guy okay look at this guy tell me if he looks like andres our fancy b oh oh oh oh oh he's got some moves dude can you pause for a second? Yeah.
I mean, I'm impressed by Andres. Look at that.
How is that not Andres? I don't want to be mean. I don't want to be mean.
I do. I know I'm going to be.
Okay. I believe that all human beings fall into a certain prototype.
Okay? Mm-hmm. And it's what you do with that prototype is what defines you how you work with what you've got exactly right so this young man right had the same fucked up prototype as andreas so they have the same missing chromosome or whatever it might be right right in the little bald spot right but this this young man decided not to wear shirts, button-up shirts with postcards on it.
What's wrong with that? I'm just saying, right? This young man, right, does that thing called sit-ups. This man, right? You think he's in better shape than Andres? Oh, yeah.
He took dance classes, right? He tried to improve, right, his situation. Okay.
Right? Andreas, right? Andreas. He took the prototype that he was given by the Lord himself, right, and fucked it up a bit.
Why? What? Well, I think he did a great job. Andreas? He's a good-looking, sweet-talking, smart boy.
He's a nice guy. Yeah.
Can I eat this? No. No.
That's my fucking cake.

I'm going to eat it.

I've been eating all day. Can't have food

around you. Yeah.

I don't like icing, as everyone

knows that, so I'm just going to eat the breading part.

The cake. The breading

part. The cake part.
Yeah.

It's cake underneath there. Breading.

Alright, well, that was a guy that looked like Andre's

thing. Thanks.

I don't love when I do that. Wait, let me show you something.
What? Let me show you this. We made Andres do a dance video himself to prove to you he looks like that guy.
Okay? Yeah. Now when you say...
And get ready for his dance skills. I mean, look.
You can see these guys side by side. Let's side by side and let's play.

You know what, dude?

Let me say something.

Now, when I see it

side by side,

Andreas is skinnier than him.

Yes, he is, dude.

You were going at him

for no reason.

Andreas is an in-shape fit.

Andreas, come in the room

for a second.

And he dresses well.

Look at how nice

Andreas dresses versus

this guy in the Rockets jersey

looks like a dorkus.

Andreas, come in the room

for a second.

Come in.

All right, let's play

both these.

Let's play Andreas' first and then we'll play him at the same time. Here andreas dancing look look at those uh look at that oh stand right there oh oh uh-huh uh-huh i apologize i tapped you right for no reason at all not comparing the two videos couldn't do it mouth full, by the way.
Couldn't wait until he was done eating to apologize

genuinely.

Now that I see him back and forth,

I attacked you for no reason.

I can't help that you grew up in a different faraway

land, right? Not that far.

Not that far away. Different cultural

experience. He's from Mexico City.

He's from Spain. Same thing.

Okay. Five hours away.

Okay.

Alright. Oh, burn.
It's closer than Korea. Okay.
Andres for the win. I said come in here.
I said come in here. I was going to give you a real apologies.
Oh, be nice then. Be nice.
Come on. That's crazy talk.
Be nice, Bob. Don't be like that.
Be nice. All right.
I enjoy you. You you do work really hard for the company and I really like you also do some work for us for Tiger Belly a lot of work and I really fucking appreciate it man I love you I love you Andres let's play these side by side let's see what they look like just to prove that these two gentlemen I don't know how to play I'm just gonna play play let's see if it works ready one two three hold on it's so annoying we can't play music thanks YouTube for fucking being the most annoying thing alright here we go let's play these side by side okay and Bob let's see let's see how let's see genuinely let's let Rudy Jules judge Rudy who is a better dancer of these two gentlemen? Okay? Ready? Here we go.
Bop. Bop.
Mmm. Mmm.
I don't know. What do you think, Rude? Andreas is more...
Andreas is cooler.

Andreas is cooler.

There you are.

That settles it, Bob.

Rudy is the judge.

Let's give it up one time for Andreas.

Andreas is like a lot of soft...

I think he's cooler.

Jules is like a lot of soft liberals.

Oh, boy.

When they want to pick the one that's obviously not the better candidate. What does that even mean? What do you even say? Let me finish what I'm saying.
Yeah. But because she has a sensitivity, right? She wants the underdog to win.
She chooses Andreas. So you think she feels bad for Andreas? That's why? But it's based on skill level.
I don't understand. Life is.
Yeah, Andreas is a very skilled man. And sometimes people get hurt.
Some people that you love aren't good. Some people that, you know, try their best fail.
And we have to acknowledge that as a society. What if you're wrong? What do you mean? What if you're wrong? What if her opinion about his skill set is high and you're incorrect? You ever think about that? Yeah.
I think about it all the time. I think millions of people really do love Andres, and they're begging.
See, look at Rudy's nodding. And they're begging for what I'm about to show you next.
Andres has gotten a lot of requests from our fans to be on OnlyFans. They want to see a little bit more of how sexy this guy is.
It's OnlyFans. OnlyFans is a website that people use to sell themselves to either like, sometimes they show nudity, sometimes it's like secret content.
You know, you can't get anywhere else. OnlyFans.
A lot of women do it. Like actresses and stuff.
Nudes. They put like nudes and stuff up there.
Whoa, I want to know what OnlyFans is. OnlyFans.
OnlyFans. I want to look at that.
So our very own Andres, Fancy B, has his OnlyFans. And would you like to see his OnlyFans content? We're going to give the first video away for free, okay? And then after that, people got to pay.
You got to go to Andres' account and pay. Andres, what's the name of the account to search for on OnlyFans? Come check out my OnlyFans at Fancy B Fans.
Check it out. You want to see Fancy B's? Watch.
It's an app. Yeah, dude.
OnlyFans at FancyBeeFans. check it out let's let's see you want to see fancy bees watch it's an app yeah dude only fans i'm gonna download it let's do stuff like bad frick can we do a bad friends one only fans well we want to promote fancy bee first oh yeah okay look look okay all right you ready there is no um wait hold on it's a bad friends day today, so...
What shirt should I wear? Let's see. What shirt? Look at all those shirts, Bob.
Two Centino. Not enough words in that one.
Maybe too many words in this one. Yeah, no.
Yep. I think I have a winner.
Just enough words. This one's just right.
Now, before breakfast, we'll play my favorite part of last week's Bad Friends cannot stand george and i miss andres cannot stand george and i miss andres cannot stand george cannot stand george and i miss andres feels good oh he's having a little croissant bob oh that's what we see look at fancy real fancy this is a good croissant anyway i think i'm ready for another bad friends day see you my only fun next week ciao so sign up for only fans if you're looking for content like that that's that is that's hot no it's it's just dot com itcom. It's just .com.
And watching you learn about it while I'm trying to show you Fancy Bees has been really fucking frustrating. Why are you trying to learn? Authorize OnlyFans to access your account.
Yes, let them access whatever they need. Use your...
Use your... Okay.
Mm-hmm. Is this how we're going to spend the next couple of minutes? Watching you learn OnlyFans? So it says, Save Changes.
It's says save changes it's my birthday it's my birthday okay changes well let me just hold on hold on yeah almost there almost there yeah so um everybody um tell me something yeah um let's get serious i don't want to talk about it i've talked about it too much i know we're not going to talk about it. I've talked about it too much.

No, we're not going to talk about the things you've talked about.

Okay.

Okay?

I'm going to ask you because, you know, it's like, you know,

I was watching that show, that movie, not Hot Zones.

It was that one with Dustin Hoffman. Tootsie? Maybe.
Maybe. No, it's about the diseases.
Diseases? Yeah. Is it Hot Zones or what's it called? Outbreak.
Heartbreak? Outbreak. Maybe break out no it's it's it's a it's a plague there's a plague going on it's in some wildfire outbreak outbreak thank you and um you know when you watch a movie like that you go you think to yourself oh man that disease is fucking scary yeah i wonder what that feels like to have it, right? And, you know, COVID came along, right? Which is like, you know,

mysterious. Scary.
It's a mysterious disease. Yeah.
And I don't have you're the only person I think that I know that I'm close with that I could ask these kind of questions. Yeah.
Out of curiosity. Yeah.
Right? So I'm just going to ask you some yes and no questions. Shoot.
And then you can answer them for me. Okay.
Okay. When you're in the height of your COVID journey, can you still make love? Could you get it up and have it desired

yes

of course

because you're a man

but you can't make love

to anybody

you can pound your pod

okay good

that's something I talked about

publicly

when you're in the height

of your COVID

are you eating things

yeah

you get hungry

but you can't taste anything

so that's real

no taste no smell

can't smell it

that's real

wow

so if you're eating

like

a roast beef sandwich. Why? Exactly.
Yeah, why am I eating that when I'm sick? I'd be eating soup. Soup? Soup, ramen, peanut butter and jelly.
Right. Meat and potatoes, simple stuff.
Not meat and potatoes at all. Just a term.
That was a term. Simpler than meat and potatoes.
Right.

But not meat and potatoes.

It should be called peanut butter and jelly.

Peanut butter and jelly.

So let me ask you this.

Is it worse than the flu?

My personal experience felt just like a flu.

It felt like what I've had when I had a flu. So if there was no – if there was nothing – if we never had covid right and you got this yeah you just be like oh i have a nasty flu if we didn't know what covid was right i would go man i've got this weird fucked up flu it feels weird okay so it was then it's different than a flu it's different but this but simple things mocked each other right like like tired very tired like the flu achy body aches for a day two days what about the lung stuff people talk about so that that affects some people i didn't get pneumonia i didn't get a lung infection i mean as far as i know i didn't have restricted breathing and i didn't have pressure on my chest which people say so i didn't have that but i've heard that that's fucking bad right but mine felt But mine felt like someone beat the shit out of your head.
Oh. Headaches, bad headaches.
It's like in the movie The Third Dark Knight where Batman. The Third Dark Knight? Which one? Yeah, when he punches Bane in the mask part.
In the mask piece. And remember the little log...
King, king. Yeah.
And he goes, ooh, ooh.

Right?

Is that what it felt like?

That genuinely hurts.

Is that what it felt like?

Yeah.

Oh, that's what I'm saying.

Yeah, it's very banish.

Yeah, how...

Very banish.

Yeah, how long did it last, though,

the sickness?

Like, feeling sick

is probably a week and some change.

Wow.

But then after that,

you're just kind of residual effects

from being sick.

Tired. Because you're lazy and you're tired, so you're even more tired because you're being lazy.
Would you want it again? Huh? Would you ever want it again? What a dumb question. Would I want to get a fucking virus again? No, I didn't want to get it in the first place.
It's just a yes or no question, man. That's fucking crazy.
Sorry, ask me again. Would you want it again? No, what a dumb question.
Okay, that was a dumb question. No, I don't want, I would never.
I didn't filter these questions. Do I, is it one of those things where I was, I'll tell you what, you know what scares you the most? Is that you don't know enough.
Right. When you get, when I get a sinus infection, when I get all the time, I get them three, four times a year, I know what's happening.
I know what's to come. So there's an element of unknown fear.

Yeah.

And I don't think speculation in the media helps either because everyone's like, fuck, what if I get, what if I get, what if I get, what if I get?

Right.

And it perpetuates.

But it hits people in different ways, I hear.

So it's like, you never know.

Some people, it's really, really bad.

Yeah.

Some people end up in a coma.

My buddy's mom, I'm sorry, my buddy's aunt went into a coma.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And when she came back out,

she couldn't speak English.

Wow.

She spoke Japanese.

That's cool.

She learned a new language.

I know.

Weird.

It's a difficult language to learn.

No, the poor woman,

she literally,

but she survived,

thank God.

But when she came out,

yeah,

she had to relearn.

I mean,

it's fucking insane.

It's so sad.

It's disgusting.

So some people are luckier than others. Are you mad at the guy that gave it to you yeah no because you know what what it's 30 million fucking people no I'll be honest with you how could you I'm not mad I have to throw my two can I throw my two cents on the table.
Number one, it disrupted our business.

Yeah, the pod pod.

Yeah.

It did.

It was tough doing it from home.

I took it personally because now my friend's sick.

I'm going through unknown questions.

You're right.

Do I have to do one with Eric Griffin?

I mean, do I have to team up with Yamin Chonko over here?

So I'm laying in bed going, we can call fat friends.

Stay tuned. I mean, do I have to team up with Yamin Chonko over here, right? So I'm laying in bed going, we can call fat friends.
Oh, I don't know. Whatever.
You know what I mean? Because I'm fat too, right? Yeah, that's true. Right? So that's number one.
And number two, I'm like, I hope he doesn't die. Yeah.
I hope I didn't die too. Yeah, yeah.
That would be sad. Yeah.
And then also it disrupted. Then when we did the podcast, I mean,, the podcast we've done with you, Sick, right? We did the best we could with those.
We had some fun. But what's great about you and I together – I need to see – we have to be in the same – I know.
Because you have a certain energy, right? Yeah. That I respond to.
Same. And in the three that we did without you, it didn't feel the same for me.
But you did get get some enjoyment You told me after the fact on the phone That you liked doing it with your brother It felt really good Well I hadn't seen Steve since the pandemic So that was nice I would rather not you get Corona for that Sometimes you gotta get Corona to bring brothers together Now will you go to Hawaii when I go I don't know I'm thinking about We're trying to plan it because I start shooting Davey season two when you go to Hawaii. Yeah, it's hard, you know.
Where are you staying? I don't know. Well, tell the people so they can come say hi.
Well, I'm staying in Honolulu somewhere. I'll have days off.
When we find out what Hotel Bob is in, we're going to tell you guys because we want the fans of Hawaii to be able to come say hi to you. No, not in the pandemic.

You're a people person.

That's true.

You love people.

I like it.

Everyone, I'm going to tell you on my Twitter what hotel he's in.

I'd like you to go say hi to him and bring him gifts during the day in the hotel.

Well, you can drop off gifts at the concert.

I want them to wait outside of your room so when you wake up they can have gifts for you in the hallway.

Oh, like Henry Lau.

You know Henry Lau?

Henry Lau.

And put some rose petals on the floor when you leave.

Is she going?

Rudy, are you going to Hawaii? I don't know yet. That's a no.
It's up to Auntie Kalilah. It's a yes, obviously.
Everything's, you know, it's so funny, Rudy. It's so funny.
You know, it's like everything's up to her. Well? I have no say in anything.
If Auntie Kalilah goes, like she orders food, right? She'll go, it's good, huh, Jules? And it could be a pile of dog shit. Juliana will go, it's great, Auntie Kalilah, right? Well, what if she likes the taste of it? No.
If I order something, right? It's good, right? It's okay. I never said that.
It's okay. I never said that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You never side with me.
Why don't you side with him more often? And you never agree with me. And you're never on my side with him.
Be honest, Jules. Is it because you like Auntie Kalilah way more? You just genuinely like her more? They're blood.
They share blood. It doesn't matter.
There's people that I'm blood with that I don't like as much as I like strangers. That's true.
That's a true point. Is it because you really love her

more than you love Tito?

No, I love them both equally.

That's impossible,

and that's a lie.

Everyone that says that

is such a lie.

Yeah, when someone says

about their kids,

I love my kids the same.

No, they don't.

No, they don't.

No, they fucking don't.

They hate one of them, for sure.

Yeah.

So be honest.

What is it really?

Say it.

She's got it loaded up.

She just doesn't want to unload. Just say it.
Be honest. This is time to be honest.
He wants it. I got it loaded up She just doesn't want to unload Just say it Be honest This is time to be honest He wants it I want it Okay I love I think Halilah A little bit more God that hurt Oh fuck that hurt so bad I know it did Oh shit Now instead of taking this negatively The way she did it The way she did it It was really honest Yeah Don't take this negative bob how about this i can i say what can you do to beat her love there's no way i'm gonna say this money gifts i already know that yeah right but you have to understand that i know that and i'm trying yeah he is right and you don't you're not giving me the opportunity I do yeah and you know I'll add another thing even though you hurt me just now alright that I will continue to look at this finger I will continue look how tiny your pinky is I know I will continue to try for the rest of my life, even though it's moot.

Even though I know, okay, that it's never going to work in my favor.

That you're going to betray me.

Wow.

Right?

And that it's a love I'll never get.

Okay?

Are you okay with that? I love Tito Bobby and I side with him sometimes. Never.
Sounds like never. She's a liar.
You're a fucking Hey, hey, hey, hey. Be nice.
Mongo liar. Be nice.
Be nice. Sorry.
I apologize. Do you, are you still having trouble in your sleep sleep by the way? I have sleep apnea I know but are you using A machine now? No Because when we talked You said you were going To get it checked out You didn't Yeah I'll wake up At 6 in the morning Not being able to breathe I know but Bob You gotta go see somebody If I die I die Okay that's true I'm at a point now Because you have to understand Imagine dying I'm 49 I know but you don't want To die in your sleep You think to yourself When you turn almost 50 I'm at a point now because you have to understand that.
Imagine dying in your fucking. I'm 49.
I know, but you don't want to die in your sleep. You think to yourself, when you turn almost 50, I'm almost 50.
You think to yourself, right? You kind of start Googling, when did this person die? Right? Yeah. And I always have a thing like, you know, Keith Richards.
He's alive. I know.
Oh. But he's my, like, meter.
Oh, when he dies, you die. No, when he dies, I'll know.
That's pretty much around the time I'll die, I think. You think you live the same life that Keith Richards did? I think he snorted his dad.
You know that. Yeah.
Did you? He mixed in his dad's ashes. Did you snort your dad? No, it's still in the box, right? And he snorted it.
He's done every drug in the book. He smoked cigarettes until he was like night, you know, whatever.
Yeah. Right.
And he's still walking around. So he's my meter.
Like, you know, oh, he's still alive. I have a shot.
Okay. What about guys that just did? I'll be honest with you.
You know, I always thought that if I got COVID that I would die immediately. No.
But when Trump went, got through it, it kind of gave me hope. Like, I can live through it.

Right.

It's kind of like that.

Yeah.

But you still – when you turn – when you get toward 50, you literally start thinking about death a lot and your mortality.

Maybe not everybody, but I think – What?

Whoa.

Are you going to die?

I don't know.

I almost died.

There's not – not every second of every day.

It's every once in a while.

All right.

How do you want to die?

Not in your sleep.

Thank you. Whoa, are you going to die? I don't know.
I almost thought there's not. Not every second of every day.
It's every once in a while. All right, how do you want to die? Not in your sleep.
Oh, for sure in my sleep. Why, Bob? I don't want to fucking die walking down the street, like walking around.
I do. Hey, John.
Yeah, I don't want to die. But I want to know I'm dying.
You know what I mean? I want to have the moment of, oh my God, I'm dying. No, no, no, no.
I don't want to just be in bed, like having a dream and then die in my yeah if i'm in a dream right and i die i'm not what it's like being in a blackout drunken but you'll never know that you died you're not gonna know anything even if you die after you die because if you know no but if you know you died when you died you saw it you knew it was real right but if there's let me. If there's nothingness, if there's no God and there's no heaven...
What if you already died in your sleep and this is all just the afterlife? Well, then I would have... What if, dude? What if you've already died? That's my point.
I want to see that I did it. I want to go.
I want to see that I'm like, oh, God, I'm dying.

And I want to die.

Die.

And then if there's no afterlife.

Which there is. If you're a good Christian like me.

What does it matter?

Okay.

For instance, if I'm in my sleep, right, and I open my eyes and I go, holy shit, I'm on

a cloud hanging out with Cleopatra.

I've said that before.

Right.

Yeah.

And like I would love to see Coleman. Ronnie Coleman? No.
What's his name? Coleman. Different strokes.
Oh, Gary Coleman? That's right. So, Cleopatra, right? Cleopatra.
Gary Coleman. Gary Coleman is that now? Gary Coleman.
Gary Coleman. Gary Goldslaw, Gary.
Gary Coleman. Gary Coleman.
Okay. The, um.

Kerry Goldslaw.

The television little person.

TVLP.

Yep.

And I'd be hanging out there on a cloud, and I'd open my eyes, right?

Yeah.

And I'd be like, did I die?

And then Gary Coleman'd go, yeah, buddy, you did.

You know what I mean?

No, you know what he, he fucked that joke up.

Why?

I'm Gary Coleman.

Okay.

Ask me if you're dead.

Did I die?

What'd you talk about, Willis? I was, that's's too easy it didn't work? it didn't work I love it when bits don't work so funny isn't that fun? so funny that little moment I've done that on stage by the way you go I know 100% that this joke is gonna work right? and when you're like, you go, I know. Didn't work.
100% that this joke is going to work,

right?

And you,

when you're driving

to the club,

right?

Yeah.

You get excited.

And then when the guy's

in front of you on stage,

you just kind of go,

hurry up.

I have a joke.

I have a new bit.

I have a new bit.

And you get up on stage

and you see the punchline

and it doesn't work

and it's completely silent.

That feeling

is the fucking worst. It's the best, actually.
I think it's so fun. What do you do in that situation? I acknowledge it and move forward.
You have to acknowledge it. I go, wow.
On the way here, I thought that was good, and you guys really let me know how bad it was. I would say everything I just said before coming and even doing this bit right now.
I was excited to come up here, right?

And wow.

Wow.

And if they don't laugh at that, right?

You're now in a hole.

Well, then you usually go, and I've seen you usually go, oh, fuck you guys.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

And then you turn it up.

And then they love you again.

I snap.

I snap, yeah.

So look, I'm being serious.

You need to go get sleep apnea help.

No.

Bob, Kalilah doesn't want to wake up with you dead because you couldn't breathe in the middle of the night. What an annoying way to find your— But all that happens is I don't die, right? Yeah, correct.
You don't die. I didn't die yet.
I know, but if you get help, then you definitely won't die. It didn't happen.
Okay. So what I'm saying is that I'll just continue this way of doing things because it didn't happen.
Okay. Right? Okay.
It's just hearsay. It's weird to be so safe about COVID but not care about dying in your sleep.
Because one of the two you have much more control over. Because I know I have friends that have it.
I have a friend that has to sleep with a breathing machine. Yeah, Joe Coy.
He has? Oh, yeah. But he's in pretty good shape, too.
No, he has the thing. He has to sleep with the baby thing.
All night long, that's what they hear. So what's worse? You die in your sleep or her listening to the hum of that machine? She probably wants you dead.
That's what happens. People just unplug the machine.
That's what'll happen. Or you could fill.
Can you do that? Fill it with stuff? Can you fill? Can you get murdered that way?

You can fill it with toxic fumes?

Yeah.

I imagine.

Like you light a cigarette and you stick it and you blow it in.

You'd love that if I'd smoke.

Oh, yeah.

That would be great.

You could smoke while you sleep.

Yeah.

You need to get help.

I'm being serious.

It's so dangerous.

Well, I mean, maybe I'm waiting for an intervention.

I'll do a thing on the show.

Yeah.

A friend of mine. So let me say this.
A friend of mine... You need to eat your cupcake? Is there more? I don't know, dude.
I didn't bring them. It's my fucking birthday.
You should have brought me some shit. My friend Dave from my show, Davey, that you make fun of, Dave got me a fucking beautiful cake.
A big beautiful cake he dropped off to my house.

Okay, that's different because...

I'm way more friends with you than I am with him.

I'll tell you why it's different.

I've known you for a decade.

I'll tell you why it's different.

Please.

Like, you know, when I go to Hawaii,

I'm going to do Magnum PI.

Oh my God, are you plugging your fucking Magnum PI?

No, I'm not.

I'm going to give you an example.

Please.

Let me get there. Please.
God. And when they text me, right? Aloha.
Like if Jay Hernandez, the star, texts me. Yeah, text.
Aloha, how's it going? I respond to him right away because he doesn't know that I'm a piece of shit yet. Well, he's going to when this comes out.
That's what I'm saying. Is that because you're working with Davey, right? So you put on the best face possible.
You and I are already friends. Dave knows me too.
Yeah, but you're not there yet with him. Okay, so you're saying because we're real friends, you don't care about me.
No, I care so more deeply about you. More deeply than you wouldn't want to do gestures.
We're beyond gifts. We're past gestures of niceties.
No, we don't, you and I have an internal fucking solo. Did I go to Vons and get you a cake? Yeah, and I'll tell you one thing, it wasn't good.
You didn't eat it. I don't eat Vons cakes.
You just did. Hold on, time out, time out, time out.
Was it good though? You want another one? Pretty good. Yeah? It was from Vons.
It was. He got it from Vons, for real.
Really? Andres, is it from Vons? It is. Yeah, it is.
Let me ask you something. And Vons isn't bad.
It's not Johns. Johns is worse.
It goes Johns, Vons. No, first of all, it goes Smart and Final.
Let's rate the LA ones, all right? Well, that's what I'm doing. It goes Gelson's.
At the top. At the top.
Gelson's is number one. Right.
And then there's Pavilions. Pavilions is pretty close to Whole Foods.
So what's Whole Foods on top then? But it's not even in the grocery. It's its own thing.
It's its own thing. It's Amazon.
It's Amazon. But so it goes Gelson's, Pavilions, Safeway, Safeway, no, Ralph's? No, no, no.
I think Ralph's in Safeway. Because rock and roll Ralph's in Hollywood is scary.
It's great though. I saw a guy.
When you see Marilyn Manson there eating an apple, it's great. That's fun.
But then you go there in the middle of the night. It's on Sunset.
One time I was going there before I went to the store. I saw a homeless guy because they're all over in that little strip right there.
Yeah. Walked in.
I love that Ralph. Walked in, grabbed a newspaper, and spit at one of the employees.
I love it. All right.
Yeah. I've seen like Modest Mouse there, the band.
Yeah. Yeah.
I've run into them there. Who else? I've seen Marilyn Manson.
They're eating an apple. He's just eating an apple inside the Ralphs? Yeah.
He wasn't even paying for it. I think he was just eating it in the fruit section.
He can't afford to pay? No, he was doing one of those things where Marilyn, like everyone was like, oh my God, holy fuck, it's Marilyn Mansoe, he's eating an apple. He's like, I gotta eat this apple.
You would never think that he would be eating an apple. You would think that he'd be eating a human heart.
Like a bat? Yeah, or something, right? Yeah. But he's eating a fresh, you know, it was not even a red one.
Imagine you went up to him, you're like, hey, why are you eating – I thought you'd be eating like a human heart. Marilyn Manson is like, listen, dude, after years of doing that kind of stuff, I really had to curb it.
My doctor said my blood pressure is through the roof. I've seen there.
I've seen Dice there, Andrew Dice Clay. Yeah.
I mean, yeah, but we see him at the comedy store too. I'm just telling you who I've seen there.
All right, give me someone. And then there are other actors, like Spanish actors I've seen there.
Who? I don't know their names, but they're like, oh, that guy's on the Mozart show on Hulu. Oh, that guy? Yeah.
Oh, that guy's good. Yeah.
Why can't I get his name? I don't know. That's why I didn't say it.
Oh, fuck yeah. Sorry, that guy.
That guy's good. Yeah, he's good.
Oh, oh, oh. I've seen that guy.
Fancy B-nose. Say it again.
We can't hear you. Gael Garcia Bernal.
Oh, dude. You know what? He's doing the accent.
I hate when they do that. It's so annoying.
Give me the fucking American version of whatever you just said. Gabriel Garcia.
Gabriel Garcia. Someone like that.
Yeah, he's like, Gabriel Garcia. Why do they do that on the rolling thing? I know.
Stop it. Can you roll? Gabriel.
Gabriel. I've never been able to roll.
Gabriel. No, it is.
Gabriel. I can't do is.
Garriel. Garcia.
I have fat tongue. Am I good fancy beer or no? Really good.
Grazie. So, yeah, so it goes Ralph's and then what? Then Vons? Ralph's, then Vons, and then John's.
John's. And then Smart and Final.
Smart and Final. And then the last one is, where do you shop, George? Trader Joe's.
Swish. Yeah, Swish, yeah.
Where is it, George? What's the bottom? I do Vons, usually. He does Vons.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Smart and final's probably dead last. Unless, or 99 cent store.
Does that count? That's not, they don't have fruit there. They have groceries.
No. Yes, they do.
Dude, they sell produce. When I first moved to L.A., my old roommate used to buy eggs there, and I was so scared.
Yeah. I was like, 99 cent eggs? For 12 eggs? Yeah.
That was so scary. I mean, I ate them.
Do you ever eat at places like it says, Chinese food and donuts? L.A. has so many places that says, pizza, kebabs, Mediterranean, sushi.
Yeah, yeah. And you're're like I will never eat that no you do too many things yeah master one thing there's one place on the way to this there's one place here in the valley that's called H.
Salt Fish and Chips I've eaten there I loved that I used to live right I used to live on Camarillo yeah right there right there by the way terrible the worst place on earth yeah, first of all, I don't even know if it's fish. Not fish.
Look at the reviews on Yelp. Oh, I don't even know.
I need to keep talking about it because I'm going to bring it up. Also, it's supposed to be fish and chips, right? That's all, yes.
Why is it wet? The breading, everything's wet. Hold on.
H. Salt Fish and Chips.
This is it right here. H.
Salt Esquire. Esquire.
Oh, my God. It's called H.
Salt Esquire. That's the nerve of this fucking place.
All right. It's a chain.
H. Salt Fish and Chips.
No, this is it right here. Oh, no.
That's in Saltel. Oh, wow.
Is it really? It's a chain. Oh, my God.
Yeah. Well, I...
Maybe some of them are better than that one. I can't imagine.
Look at this one. This is a photo on the Yelp page.
Okay, that's not... Okay.
There's no fish in there! By the way, that looks like fish and chips as one. That's a fish and chip.
All right, all right, all right. That's fish and chip.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's fish and chip.
Oh. Is that supposed to be the french fry or the fucking fish part? This is their Yelp page.

Look at that photo.

What is that?

What is that?

Right there.

I don't even know.

Look at that discoloration.

What part of the fish is that that's black?

That's its heart.

Yeah.

All right, so let's see some of these reviews from the A-Self Fish and Chips.

Oh, there's some good ones.

Okay, but let's go to the bad ones.

That's the only one.

Oh, whoa, whoa.

That's a five star.

Five star baby. She was high.
Let's sort by newest. She was high.
There they are. There we go.
They always put best up first. Yeah.
Wendy says, worst customer service ever. The owner screams and treats every customer so bad.
The day I went in, she decided she was going to first have my food. He's Asian, by the way.
No shit. She said he screams and treats everyone so bad.
But based on that, please don't assume that he's Asian. I did.
I'm just telling you he is. I've been there.
I know because I read what it just said. I know, but what you're doing is a racist, you know.
How is that racist? I've never been yelled at by a black or a white owner of a restaurant. I've only been yelled at by Asian owners in restaurants.
Generally, they are Asian, right? Always. Not always, but not even.
Hurry up and pick up! Every time. That's not it.
Number two, now! Yeah, every time. Why is it this when you're in a Chinese restaurant, right, and they're so calm when they're talking to her, but when they turn to their, so this is what I get.
Would you like to hear about our specials? Right? Yeah. Yeah, and they tell you the special.
Yeah, I'll have number three. Okay, number three, and then he'll turn around and go, Is that honor? Right, and kind of turn back.
Why do they do that? Because they need to communicate loudly to the back of the kitchen. Or, how about this? Take the fucking order, right? And walk back there.
Why did they yell? Let him bark, baby. Let him bark.
Okay, so yeah. I've been there.
He's a Chinese guy. The day I went in, decided first

it's a woman on this one. She's first going to decide to have

my food photographed and then packed it up, expecting me

to be happy with it. Then she didn't even want to

give me my money back when I didn't want the food. Horrible

customer service. So she wanted to take photos of it.

Because it looked so terrible.

What happened? H salt.

The H salt is off the building.

By the way, that's true. The letter H is falling

off the building. It's very funny.
Prices have

doubled. Fish is a burnt rectangle.

Lady, will you... The H salt is off the building.
By the way, that's true. The letter H is falling off the building.
It's very funny. Prices have doubled.
Fish is a burnt rectangle. Lady will yell at you to put the food in the bag.
I said I was eating outside of the table. She ran over to take it away from a tray so I could carry a cardboard box.
Wow, this can't be an H salt franchise. Something is wrong.
Is it 80 cents extra for some tartar sauce? Ugh. Yeah.
Regardless of COVID, this lady is very rude, loud, loud, and yells. Why? This is great.
Everything is overpriced. She tricks you into making things a combo and charges you for sauces.
Well, that's good. That's just good business.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a crappy business.
I was there with my friend for lunch. Two fish sandwiches and fries.
The worst sandwich I've ever had in my life. Bad service.
This is mean. We should go there and write a really good review.
I think I want to. I want to eat to eat it though This is one of the worst quality fish and chips spots on the west coast Zero seasonings Disappointed I am British This is valid Okay yeah Let me read it like this guy Benjamin V Disappointed I'm British and this was not tasty Chips were french fries and no chippy chips I don was a thin rectangle.
Barely any fish. I've been to either ate salt and this is not good.
Yeah. But then he took pretty good photos.
That looks okay. This is my favorite.
Chips with French fries and no chippy chips. Well, clue in Benjamin.
We eat chips here in a bag. Those are Doritos.
We eat fries and those are french fries, not chippy chips. Well, clue in, Benjamin.
We eat chips here in a bag. Those are Doritos.
We eat fries, and those are French fries, not chippy chips. Ben, this is a good one.
Haven't had it since I was seven. Great service, great food.
Thumbs up. Do you think that's her at night writing these? That's her.
This is her. She's like, get a picture of Mexican boy.
Put it up there. Constance, that's five from her.
Yeah. Donnie is three.
So it's not too bad, but it does scare me on the way through. Is there a good place in LA to get fish and chips? I've heard on the west side they've got good spots, but I don't go near the beach.
Oh, Connie and Ted's. It's a ripoff.
Look, it's good food, but. Connie and Ted's.
Why am I paying 80 bucks for. It's a great place.
It's good. but Connie Ted's why am I paying 80 bucks

for

it's a great place

it's good

Connie Ted's is great

I've had fish and chips there

it's good

I used to live up

literally around the corner

I get it

and the fucking sushi place

next door

don't go there

you know why

my buddy got fucking worms

from it

exactly

I'm not kidding

got worms

Connie Ted's is good

it's good

you're the type of person

I cook my own fish

but you're the type of person

I cook my own fish

can I just say

what kind of type of person

Thank you. Right Got worms Connie Towns and Ted's good It's good Yeah It's good You're the type of person right I cook my own fish

Okay but you're the type of person I cook my own fish Can I just say what kind of type of person you are The guy who cooks his own fish You are that type as well Thank you Right But you're the type right That orders at a place like Connie and Ted's Sure Right And then you get the bill Right And you go you go, geez, pricey, huh?

Whoppers.

Man, sure wasn't worth it.

You know, the price, though.

Man, it's just fish and, you know what I mean?

Some flavorings and whatnot.

But why is it 80?

And then you're the type of person that probably goes,

well, tell the waiter.

Like, he has no fucking control over it.

Right?

You'll be like, wow, man. You probably do a joke.
I had to mortgage my house on this one. Do some sort of joke, right? And they're like, what do you mean? He's like, I mean, an arm and a leg and a thigh.
Take everything. Well, it can't be an arm and a leg and a thigh.
Your thigh is on your leg already. Yeah, the joke wouldn't work, right? It doesn't make any sense that you would say, right? Right? That's you, right? And then you'd probably stand up and make a picture to look at the tables, yeah? Yeah.
Boy! That was something. I don't know what the joke is.
You're that type of person, though. What you talk about, Willis? Okay, so check this out.
I'm going to play this for you. This is fucking insane.
The reason I need you to get help with your sleep apnea, okay, is because they have these apps now that measure how you sleep, when you sleep, and also they can record you if you talk in your sleep. Okay.
A good friend of mine talked in his sleep. It's voice activated.
He leaves it next to his bed, okay, and it just picks up shit in the middle of the night. So when he starts, it turns on.
You need to get this fucking thing. Listen to this.
This is no way.

100%.

Swear to God in my life.

He sent me a dozen of them.

The app logs it so that you put it next to your bed when you're sleeping,

and it just turns on the moment it starts to hear you.

How does he not listen to that and go, what the fuck is wrong with that? He does. That's why he's scared.
He wants to go get help because he's talking to his sleep too much. That's fucking crazy.
I gotta get the app. What's it called? I already just fucking prove less than bitches to this.
Let me show a show of this. Who saw this? Wow.
He's like mad in his sleep. Yeah, he swears a lot too.

He does.

Yeah.

Bro, it sounds a little bit like he's speaking...

Yeah.

Like a language almost. He's drunk.
Maybe he's drunk in the dream. Sober.
No, but he's in... Oh, in his dream he's drunk.
Yeah, in the dream he's at a bar. That's good.
And he's whispering to like, you know, the regular, the old lady that sits there that's an alcoholic.

Yeah.

And he's telling some story to her.

That's funny.

Is that it?

That could be it.

Listen to it again.

Here.

Think of it in that way.

And then it makes sense.

I'm for 200 that.

Except I'm for 200 that.

No.

I'm for some baby kids.

I'm for nobody.

And it makes sense.

Yeah, it does.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's wasted. What is he in this one?

She has to have balls

pull her a bunch of...

Erps! Oh, I know what you it.

Erps.

Oh, I know what it is.

I know what he's doing.

What?

He's teaching.

Wait.

In front of a class.

Do you want to know how crazy?

You're going to think I'm insane.

What?

He used to teach ESL.

Yeah, that's what he's doing.

That this is... Seriously?

I swear to God, yeah.

That's so creepy.

That's what I heard

he's teaching

but he's not

he's walking

you're in a classroom

right

and he's telling

a student something

because he

you know where he lived

out of college

I don't know who

this person is

a good friend of mine

guess where he lived

out of college

Connecticut

ESL

he taught ESL

English as a second language

Connecticut

New Hampshire

if I'm referencing you

as my friend

where do you think

he lived when he taught ESL

English as a second language

New York

I'm referencing you as my friend, where do you think he lived when he taught ESL? New York. English as a second language? New York.
Out of this country? Spain. Where do you think he lived, Jules? I don't know.
Out of this country? B.F. Changs.
Exactly. New York.
B.F. Changs.
Thank you, Andres. South Korea.
Exactly. Fucking.

South Korea.

So he's telling this to a student.

A South Korean student.

That's why he's walking around the class.

He's not walking.

But that's what he's...

That's something banging in his bed.

Exactly.

That's what he's doing.

She has to have balls pull over a bunch of...

I'm telling you it.

Oops.

Oops, you got the answer wrong.

Oops, you got the answer wrong.

Is that really what that is?

Yeah.

Huh.

We got to help my buddy, though.

Isn't that fucking wild talking in his sleep?

What's the app?

Because I want to do it.

Sleep Talk.

How obvious.

How fucking annoying and obvious.

Sleep Talk is the name of the app.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Woo-hoo.
Yeah. Woo-hoo.

Yeah.