3 Bears 2 Caves ft. Tom Segura

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You know, at first I was like, I'm on a show.

It's pretty cool.

But after a while, sitting here listening to these morons,

and not once.

Does anyone ever think to get me some water?

I'm tired, man.

Well, I guess I should tell you.

We got merch!

Go to badfriendsmerch.com. Oh, now you give me water? F*** you.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. Hello, hello, hello.
Wow. Woo, woo, woo.
Welcome to another episode of Bad Friends. Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.
We've got Red. Red is not here.
Red's not here. Red's doing a movie in Beirut.
Yeah. You know, it's called the Nuremberg Effect.
He's in a movie called the Nuremberg Effect. I'm actually, I'm doing a movie right now.
I'm in North Korea. It's called The Impossible Chopstick.
And it's good. Okay, that's a fucking microaggression.
Is that? No, it's not. It's a microaggression.
It's a microaggression. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that your... Bobby, yeah.
Everywhere he goes, he's doing a movie. It's him, Brad Pitt, Tom Hardy, and some other people.
Oh, it sounds like this. Small budget.
Small budget. Yeah, the budget's like a million.
It's around the world. So he's shooting New Zealand next week.
So he's going to have that set there. That background there.
Then I fly to Peru. Then I finish the movie in Peru.
That's great. And what's crazy is I start, right after that, I start a movie with The Rock.
The Rock and I are doing like a, it's called transitioning. It's called The Rock in the Hard Place.
Bro. Rock in the Hard Place, yeah.
Andrew, that's a very busy schedule. Yeah, dude, but it's like that's who I am.
That's who I want to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, honestly, with that schedule i never would say this to somebody but i would i think it's appropriate to tell you that i think it's time to quit podcasting yeah you know i mean like i mean it's tom hardy tom hanks the rock like you're fucking you're there now you're done with this i don't know but but it's like it's you guys you know what i mean i mean bobby lee tom segura you think your names aren't ranked as high as tom hardy and and and tom cruise i don't i don't think so i don't and i think i think they would mock us if they met us yeah can we start with this last night yeah papa's trying to sleep you know papa's me. Papa likes to sleep.
And I'm about to get to bed.

And then all of a sudden, you know, sometimes I'll cap the night off with, you know, going on the Internet and whatnot.

And then, you know, you get the news that Trump has the COVID.

I know.

Right?

And then I didn't sleep for 12 hours.

I was just laying there just fucking reading and Googling.

What was your first emotion when you found out?

I prayed.

You did not.

I did.

As Jules knows, as Andrew knows, I'm a Jesus freak.

I believe in the Lord.

And I got on my hands and knees.

And I'll tell you the fucking prayer I did.

Okay.

Dear Lord, Heavenly Fathers.

Right?

Yeah. To you, to each his own.
own. So I follow up with that, right? Wait, who are the Heavenly Fathers? Because that's a plural.
Cleopatra, because he's up there. We've got Jesus, definitely.
He's like the captain or whatever. He's an admiral up there.
We've got admiral up there. He's the captain of the team, I think.
We've got Moisy. Moses.
Some people call it Moisy. Yes.
I call it Moses. We've also got the Holy Ghost.
And he's like the ninja up there. Yeah.
Because you can't really see. He's not really around.
You can't see him. Do you feel like the Holy Ghost is Asian? He could be.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Holy Ghost has like a cloud mask on mask on.
It looks like COVID mask, but like he's got the eyes. Dude, ninjas are so tight.
So yeah, and so Holy Ghost is like a cloud ninja. How much, did you try, did you dress up as a ninja as a kid? Yeah, multiple times.
And it's pronounced Hori Ghost. Hori Ghost.
Oh, Hori Ghost. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hori. Hoary.
That's a microaggression. And so...
Wait, you're not offended by that?

What?

The hoary ghost?

No, because that's what...

Ninjas are hoary ghosts.

I mean, that's what...

Yeah, that's what we call it.

Yeah, cloud ninjas.

I'm very offended.

I'm offended by it, yeah.

Okay, okay.

I'm very offended by it.

That's what I was making sure of.

Yeah, yeah.

A lot of things that he says is very offensive. Bobby, as an ethnic person trying to survive in this world, I try to let it go.
Trying to survive. The guy has like five television shows and five movies going right now.
Shut up. Hey, fuck you, all right? Fuck you, Bobby.
You're in Beirut with Tom Hanks and Tom Hardy and all the Tom. You have five movies going right now? No, I got nothing going.
All right, I don't know what you're saying. Liar.
Liar. Tell him what's going on.
He's got D&D on FX. Does he make racially charged statements like that with the words and everything often? He does.
Like the other day he goes, hey, he just calls me out. He goes, what is the direct translation of Ching Chong? And I go, yeah, he does.
I go, I think Ching Chong is just, you know what I mean? Just generic. Not a generic thing that like white people say to Asians back in the day.
That is not true. I said, I called you and I said, does Ching Chong mean anything? I didn't know.
Yeah, yeah. And I said, no, it's just, it doesn't.
And so he hangs up. And then an hour later, he goes, you know, when you drive it – I don't think it's safe for you to drive at night.
And I go, why not? And he goes, because you're not going to be able to see much. Yeah.
Right? So I go, that's not true. I have great – I can't see peripherally.
Why can't you see peripherally? Because my eyes are slanties. Wait, is this a true thing? Yeah.
Seriously? I can only see a straight ahead, and it's also like this. Yeah.
It's like a horse blinder. It's a horse blinder, yeah.
And it kind of curves off like this. Have you considered the surgery where they open it up? I refuse.
Oh. Because I don't want to see that much.
Yeah. You know what I mean? That's a good point.
That's a good point. I don't want to see everything.
Right, right, right. I just want to see this much.
Right. So your eyes are much so your eyes are perfect so I go no I can see this much on the road so it's fine so my prayer let's go back to the prayer dear lord I said all that's right and I go please in your heavenly arms please coddle please coddle our great leader Donald Trump and make him good the strength of America is behind him right now.
Right, make him good and make him fine. And he does not deserve this.
Yeah. Nobody does, right? And dear Jesus in heaven's name, amen to you and all.
Wow, that's a really nice prayer. That's a really, really nice prayer.
So that's what I did. When I found out that he had it, I did the prayer.
And then you go into the conspiracy theories, right? One of them being, right, he's faking it. I've heard this.
To get sympathy. Yeah.
I don't buy that conspiracy theory. I don't either because – do you, Andrew? Because you'd have to get so many people involved.
Here's how you know that he's actually sick.

His whole thing, his whole persona is based on, like, I'm tough, I'm strong, I don't need that, that shit doesn't apply to me, things don't bother me.

The very fact that he would allow himself to be taken to Walter Reed Hospital, that's something that he would not want to do. They also landed the helicopter as close as they could to the door.
No, he's sick, man. He's like, pull it up right to the door.
They're like, we'll die if we do that. We have to do five feet away.
You know what I mean? He's like, I can't. And he barely, he made it.
They're like, the blades are gonna go through the fucking cement here. And he's like, no, no, no, no.
So he did make it in there. And you're right.
I think his ego wouldn't allow it. Absolutely.
That's why you know it's real, I think. Yeah, but you know, I feel...
But then he'll probably, they'll probably say like, he was on a respirator, temperature's 106, and when he comes out, he'll be like, not that bad. It really wasn't bad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm a strong guy, and strong guys, it just doesn't fuck with.
Yeah. But it really is, I was telling Andrew earlier because we waited three hours for you to arrive.
And we would have waited forever. I am sorry.
I already apologized. I'm sorry.
You are the Tomas, Sir Tomas, Sir Tomas. Okay.
And we know. I'll tell you this.
This is actually just more wholesome than the only other time that I completely forgot I was scheduled to do a podcast. So this is the second time.
Today, as I said, a big tennis match. I was out in the sun.
I got home, showered, laying on the couch. Literally, Andrew's like, let me know when you get there.
And I was like, fuck. Right? And I just panicked.
Got my kid dressed. And I was like, you guys got to watch them.
And I just jumped in the car. The last time was in 20, God, I want to say this is 2012.
Holy shit. But I remember it like it was yesterday.
And I had agreed to do the Sklar Brothers podcast. Which is one of the best.
They're great. They're great guys.
And they're like, hey, will you come on Friday and we'll see we'll see you at at noon and i go yeah okay i'm jerking off looking at my phone watching porn like stroking my and it just you know the the iphone thing it's like randy sklar and i'm like and as soon as i see his name i'm like fuck so he's? And I was like, to coming. Yeah.
And then I just had to do the whole thing where I couldn't. I mean, I didn't want to tell him what I was doing.
But he knows now. Randy, when he texts me, I come anyway.
It's really strange. The moment, bing, I see it just will come out.
Just jizz, yeah. I'm going to be honest with you.
I never have ever, and asked them, have called them by their name. Yeah.
Because I don't know who's who. I know you don't.
I really don't. I know you don't.
I usually go, what's up? The brothers are in town. If I see them both.
Or, oh, where's your other better half? I'll do something like that. I've never felt more in sync with you.
Because I absolutely refuse to try they're like it's and sometimes

they do the thing where they're like hey i got the glasses it's jason you're like i fucking know i know you think i don't know it's you jason yeah yeah so you know i don't know the difference but they're great guys they are a talent um i have does ching chong really not mean anything I think Ching Chong means

Hello maybe

Can we just address something about it, though? Go ahead. It's a fun thing to say.
Yeah. It's unfortunate that it has negative racial connotation because it really feels.
It flows off the tongue. It flows off the tongue.
Tell me you guys have seen. There is a very offensive meme, okay? It's a mentally handicapped Asian guy, and he's a maestro of an orchestra.
I know exactly what you're talking about. And it says, and a one and a three and a ching chong potato.
Yeah. And it's easily the funniest meme I've ever seen in my entire life.
Yeah, right. Is it offensive? Yeah.
Yeah. It's just very funny.
Very funny. But also, it would be nice if it was acceptable to use for like, you know what I mean? Let's say you were like, hey, my mom made this dish, and I was like, what is it? And then you could be like, it's just some ching chong shit.
You know? The worst is, you'll see comics, if you walk into a green room, there are some comics, and they can't help themselves, oh, yeah, yeah. You'll see comics.

If you walk into a green room, there are some comics, and they can't help themselves.

they'll go when I walk in.

They do that too when you walk in?

Yeah, when I walk in.

And then I've been conditioned to laugh at it.

But it hurts.

It burns.

Really?

Yeah, it burns.

But you have to go,

that's a good one.

You know what I mean?

You've seen it 30 million times in your life of course yeah yeah yeah they go gong and then they giggle you know what i mean people are really doing that oh yeah yeah when you walk in the room yeah well tell tell tom about you learning about microaggressions all right so yesterday i went to um i was just googling things this before I found out that Trump had COVID. And then I went to my high school, you know, I'm obsessed with my high school.
So I went to Poway High School. I Googled that on YouTube and then they go.
Wait, you're obsessed with your high school? Dude, it's so pathetic. He wants to be in the high school hall of fame.
They don't respect me. He wants to be in the alumni, the notable alumni.
They don't like me. How are you not in the notable alumni i am on wikipedia but i'm not i'm not by them oh right yeah because i is a big high school it's pretty big yeah they um they don't find me to be a credible you know entity when it comes to like fame hmm right they think that that's kind of hard to believe man well they have people that are like if you look up, we've done this before on the show, where you Google their notable – Yeah, alums.
Alums, and it's like Ving Trang who plays the violin for the orchestra. How many seasons were you on Mad TV? Eight.
Come on, man. Like that alone.
They don't care. That thing was on the air for eight fucking years? Well, the show was on air for 14 years.
The one that you were on, though. Yeah, but I was on the show the last eight years of Mad TV.
Wow. I met you on the street.
I met you on the street when you were doing that. I remember that.
No, you don't. What a great day.
You don't remember it. Yeah, Tomas.
I have a vivid memory

of meeting him on the street. He says this all

the fucking time. Go ahead, tell him.

You're with some tall blonde, really

tall. Was she cute? Yeah.

She was like 6'1".

And then

I was super

excited to meet you.

We started

riffing a bit right there on the street. And you hopped on my back.
That's right. Yeah.
You don't remember that. You don't remember that.
Yeah, I do. I hopped on your back and I go, I whipped you and I go, gallop on! No, that's not the bit.
Fatty! Nope. No? No? Nope.
It was about a fire rescue thing. Oh, it was? I was rescuing you from a burning building.
Tom, let me just say something. When I see people with your body type, I always jump on the back.
Just body type meaning I can do deadlifts? No, no, no. Body type meaning that you're not morbidly fat like some people we know.
Right? But you have a thickness to you. Yeah, I'm a thick boy yeah yeah and and it's that's not a bad thing and you can you believe he's saying this bobby you're basically like you're just a squished figure of a taller fat guy bob that's all you're just if somebody accordion to taller fat guy jules like that one yeah and hey andrew it's true what You talk like you're not, like you call him thick.
You have such a rotund belly. You have a pot belly.
I'm fat. Yeah.
Yeah. I'm not denying that.
Yeah, but you say you jump on his back. Because I'm smaller.
A smaller fat guy is going to jump on a fatter fat guy's body. Right.
It's like the reverse. I'd get crushed by him.
Is that in the code? You think I would crush you? I don't think you would. I think I'd be able to handle your weight.
Yeah. Don't get offended because you're doing us a favor.
Hey. Thank you so much for being here.
Hey, hey, hey. I think you're very handsome.
But, I mean, you're also taking jabs at my body. You know, that's not even a microaggression.
That's really not part of society today to come after my physicality.

That's true.

That's true.

And I'm very sensitive about it.

Yeah, but can I just say something right now?

I want to tell you.

I found out what microaggression was because I went to the Poway High School YouTube.

What's the name of the high school?

Poway High School.

Poway?

Yeah.

In Hawaii?

No, it's in San Diego.

Okay.

And they did a video on microaggression. Okay.
And I never heard of the high school powe high school powe yeah in hawaii no it's in san diego okay and they did a um a video on microaggression okay and i didn't i'd never heard of the word before you've never heard of this no and then i was laughing at their at their sketch sketches yeah of what a microaggression is because i thought it was a comedy video but then at the end they're like don't do any of these and i go oh this is what my life is based on. Right? So then I realize that my comedy is based on microaggression.
And for those of you who don't know, I'm going to just tell you the definition of it, if I may. Okay.
Microaggression is a term used for brief and commonplace daily verbal or behavioral indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative – I just said that so Asian – derogatory, or negative attitudes towards stigmatized or culturally marginalized groups. That's a lot to digest.
Yeah, so I'll give you an example. Okay.
And this is what you shouldn't do.

Okay.

If you see, if you're hanging out with your Mexican friend.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

And you go, hey, Pedro, or Jose, or Frank.

Sure.

It could be Frank.

It could be Frank.

It could be Frank.

We don't know.

Okay.

Right?

And that's what my point is.

Right?

It could be Frank, Castillo, Romero, Sancho.

Right?

Okay.

And what do you do?

So I go, Frankie, I just want to let you know, man.

You know, I don't think, you don't act Mexican to me.

That right there is a microaggression.

Right.

He go, hey, bro.

Right?

Yeah.

Hey, bro, what you mean, bro?

Right?

Yeah.

I go, it's just that you don't know how to play an El Mariachi bro you know what I mean I do rap though bro or whatever it might be that's a microaggression is it a microaggression if I go hey Bobby there's a sushi place across the street what's it like yes that's a fucking microaggression why but? But it looks like a good spot. I know, but would you ask Andrew that? No, it's fucking redhead.
I know! You wouldn't want his opinion, because he has no good taste buds. He likes boiled beef.
Boiled ham and shit. Boiled beef and cabbage.
That's what his types of people like. But if there was a pizza place across the street, I'd be like, hey, Andrew, what's up with that pizza place, man? You're right.
It's delicious. Yeah, it's good? It's delicious.
I think I'll get a slice on the way out. But that is a microaggression, apparently.
It is, right? Yeah. But here's the thing, though.
Are you of the mentality that, like, and I'm glad that we're getting into these microaggressions and putting it out there, or are you like, this is fucking nonsense? No. What I'm trying to do is, because this is, you know, they say about the pendulum swinging.
Yes. Right? It's swinging the other way, right? Yeah, yeah.
And so I'm just trying to adapt to a new world. And I'm going to tell you this right now.
I want to change. What do you want to change? I don't want to do no more microaggressions.
You could do it to me. I like it.
You like the microaggressions? I love them. Oh, I love them.
So wait, do you like when you walk in the green room and they're like, all that or not? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I do. What? I thought you just said you hate it.
You know what I also love? I told you about that guy that I was on a flight, and some redneck comes up to me and he goes, you could tell he wanted to talk to me. He didn't know how to bring it up.
So he just goes, hey, man. I go, what's up? He goes, my daughter, she loves Hello Kitty.
That's all he said? Yeah, just to bring up a conversation. See, as an ethnic person, I know where he's coming from.
That he's trying. Right, he's trying.
So for me, the trying in itself. No, but Bob, to be fair, the guy that created Hello Kitty, you look strikingly like.
That's the problem. That's a good point.
Yeah, but why would I be in the middle seat of a Southwest airline seat? Because you're just trying to save some money. Yeah, man.
Not everyone. Oh, I see.
So his assumption is, man, he's Group E. That guy is Group E.
Hello Kitty guy is Group E on Southwest. Like the rest of us.
He's a common man. You should have said, how'd you know it was me? How'd you know it was me? Oh, right.
Played along. No, wait.
When he did that, because you at that point can go, what the fuck are you telling me that for? But how do you... I know like Jon Cho.
Jon Cho would have would have been like hey man that's fucking crazy what you just said right he would have said that right because i know my kid loves hello yeah yeah but i would have been like you know i mean what i was like was like hey man that's cool yeah i think it's good stuff too you did yeah i love it too and he was, too. And he was like, I'm just saying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know that, you know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I could have gone like, yeah, you know what? When I was creating Hello Kitty. That would have been fun.
I was going to make him black. Yeah.
At first. But I'm like, I don't know, man.
The next time a white person says, like, any Asian reference as an opening to conversation, you should immediately act like whatever they reference is what you started. You know what I mean? Like if somebody was like, hey man, I love that Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
You'd be like, you know, when I was writing it, I didn't know where I was going to go with it. And then they'll be like, wait, you wrote that? And you're like, oh, I thought that's why you said that to me.
Or they say, Or they say, man, my favorite food is Chinese, China food. Well, it's so funny.
You know, my name is PF. Yeah.
Right? And my family started this restaurant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We started PF Chang's. He'll be like, what the fuck? Really? Yeah.
And you know that fucking beef that we do, the double beef? Yeah. You know, the double beef is like, you know, Chinese people usually cook it one time.
Right? But I was the one, right? Because I'm PF, right? Let's do it twice. Twice.
You know what I mean? And you know you're just going to freak them. They'll be like, I'm sorry, man.
This is my friend Johnny Sanchez, right? He started the refried. They fried it one time, right? Johnny would tell them.
And Johnny would be like, yeah, dude, we fried it twice and like, look, it's a hit. What's the hottest Asian shit right now? I'm trying to think.
What's like of, in the last, well, Crazy Rich Asians, that was about...

BLM.

No, that's Black Lives Matter.

What's it called?

BTS.

BTS, dude.

You know, we talked about those pop groups, and then yesterday, I opened Twitter, you

know, you go to the trending page, and it was that a pop star, they're like, oh, we

saw his pack of cigarettes in his pocket.

And that was a trend worldwide trending topic that is one of the pop singers is smokes.

Yeah, it's crazy.

I didn't know the group or anything, but there's like a million tweets about this kid smoking.

Well, that's the bad boy.

That's the bad boys.

He's the bad boys.

He's the bad boy. Yeah.
Hey, also, He's the bad boy. He's the bad boy.

Yeah. Hey, also, I want to announce, we talked about it before the show.
Joe Biden said it on his Twitter. It's National Filipino Awareness Month.
Oh, boy. Wow.
Well, congratulations there, Jules. Jules.
Yeah. That's exciting.
How do you feel about that, Jules? I don't know because I'm not Filipino American. Oh oh it only applies to the nine guys in America that are Filipino-American you're not Filipino-American? no but I'm from the US and I'm just staying here to study you're from the US? no Philippines oh okay why are you nervous right now? because Tom Seger is a big star? no yeah she Googled you and she's a big star so she gets really flustered.
Yeah, don't get so nervous. He's just like everyone else.
Wait, you're just here studying? Yeah. How long are you going to study? I'm thinking about going to college here.
What are you studying now? I'm in high school, senior year. You're a senior in high school? All right.
Yeah. And so when we were talking about jerking off, you know, that was cool.
Sorry about that. You know what I mean? Sorry, Jules.
Yeah, sorry, Jules. How's high school going? Yeah, it's uncomfortable now.
Yeah, how's high school? She's doing good. Wait do you always have children in here all the time? She's our, she's, okay, so, you know, I'm dating Kurosawa.
Yes. Yeah, and Kurosawa is from the island of the Falapans.
Yeah. And apparently they have families as well over there, like everyone else.
Yeah. And she has a sister.
Her name is Honey. and she has a sister her name is honey and honey has a daughter happens to be her okay right so she yeah so that so kurosawa is my aunt okay yeah so are you are you staying with them she's been living with us since the pandemic how horrible is that to live with him it's okay well okay so that's great that you said that.
That's an honest reaction. Okay.
We're started there. We started there.
Let's get some specifics. What is something that I do that you don't agree with? Maybe mostly everything.
Okay, well, that's now an attack. Santino.
What about the booger collection, Jules? So what is it that you don't like? He puts boogers in my room. I get the side.
And then I told him not to put it, and then he said, you can't tell me what to do. And he was serious.
Yeah. Bobby, why are you torturing her like that? How is that? Tom, he's 49 years old and he puts boogers on her doorway.
On the sweet child. Yeah.
Fuck you. Fuck you.
All right. I'm sorry.
I apologize. But I just want to say this to defend myself.
I've never had a teenager in the house before. Yeah.
I didn't buy the book. Yeah.
There's no instructions no instructions. So I just don't know what to do.
Bobby, there is no book. But if there was, it certainly would say don't put boogers on them.
And if I read that in a manual of some sort, then I probably wouldn't. But at the time, it seems – I don't know what to talk to her about.
So I'll walk into her room and I go, how's school? And she's like, it's okay. You getting good grades? It's fine.
And I'll just go, I don't know what to do. I'll put a bug around the wall.
I mean, you know. Why is that the solution? That doesn't seem like – how do you get to that step? Because I get uncomfortable because I don't know what to say and how to mold her, you know what I mean, her mind, right? Because as a – I guess I'm a parental figure, right? I don't know how to – I've never took a class or anything.
So it's like I can't help her with schoolwork. She's like, you know, B equals minus 12B and pi equals the Bunsen burner.
And I'll be like, that's way out of my pay grade. Here's a booger.
Just to have some sort of interaction. How do you like, is he a good partner to your aunt? Yeah.
He makes her laugh. He makes her laugh.
He's obviously a wonderful lover as well. Yeah.
You've heard about that? Yeah. You meant my rabbit style? Is that what you're saying? I was just making a note.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You know how girls are always like, I just want a guy who's funny.
Yeah. And then once they get the guy that's funny, they realize you also need other characteristics.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And so Kalana, she's like, he's funny.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I have other skill sets.
Let's say. Yeah, what are they? Okay, I'm going to tell you.
I'm funny. Yeah.
You know, I'm also. That's the one we got covered.
Okay, we got that covered. Here's another thing I do.
I don't have a problem with her. What? What? Yeah, I don't have a problem with her.
What do you mean? There's nothing that she does that bothers me. Who? Kurosawa.
Nothing bothers you about her? Not really. You know what I mean? It's like I let things pass by.
What's like a thing that could bother you you're like I'll just I'm not going to say anything. Well she does she thinks that I'm that I have she thinks that I'm not coordinated.
Okay. But that's not really so she'll say stuff like be careful walking down the stairs and I'm like in my mind in my mind, I'm like, bitch, I've walked down so many fucking stairs.

You don't even fucking know.

I'm a stair master, bitch.

But you keep it at your master.

I keep it at my mouth shut.

And so then I'll walk down the stairs and, you know what I mean, and be careful.

Yeah.

And be very mindful.

What?

Your weight, for some reason, your weight, you do lean forward when you walk.

Yeah.

Wait, what do you weigh oh my god

i'm top heavy i'm top heavy i weigh about 175 that's it yeah but four or five four four eleven four eleven that's not good 175 yeah how much do you weigh 235 yeah yeah but you're tall how tall are you? 6'8". Yeah.

So there you go.

6'8".

Plus much 235. Yeah, yeah.
But you're tall. How tall are you? 6'8".
Yeah. So there you go.
6'8". Plus muscle.
Muscle weighs more than fat. Yeah, of course.
She'll say stuff like don't play Candy Crush on the freeway. And I'll be like that sounds like that she's supposed to say that.
To me it doesn't though. It bothers you that she's calling you out.
I'll roll my eyes and I'll go, ooh, and I'll put the fucking phone down. Right.
Right. There's just certain things like, oh, here's the thing.
Hey, what's for dinner tonight? And she'll be like, I don't know. I was thinking about making salmon.
We had salmon last night. Yeah.
Right? And I'm a man that needs variety. So you're like, hey, fuckhead.
I'll just get the pizza. In my head, I'll be like, how about if I make a pizza? She goes, your blood pressure.
And I'll be like, I'll eat the fucking salmon in my mind. But in my mouth, I'll go, okay, we'll have salmon.
It bothers me. But don't like but every but if you know she had she has so many problems with me right yeah yes what do you mean yeah i mean just how could you not like what what do you say it like it's like can you believe she has so many problems like yeah dude it'd be fucking mind- it'd be fucking mind bending if she was like, no, it's all good.
He's super easy to live with. Wait, so, I mean, that seems right.
But also, Jules, as a roommate for now, what, six, seven months or something? Yeah. More? What are some things you think he could work on in addition to not wiping boogers on your wall? Maybe more responsible because he almost burned the house last week.
Oh. Okay.
More than once. More than once.
How did you almost do it? In the kitchen? Burner? No. What? Well, as you know, I'm down to two cigarettes a day.
That's something I was very well aware of. So as you know, and that's a good thing.
Thank you for starting with as you know. As you know, and I want the people on Twitter to back me up on that and congratulate me.
I think that's a big deal. But sometimes I forget to put out the – This is a big boo-boo.
I know it is, and I'm admitting it right now. Right? I'm admitting it right now.

Were you sleeping with it?

Like, was it one of those things?

No, no.

I just go outside, and I'll be like – I'll Google stuff, and I'll go, microaggressions.

Yeah.

And just read about it.

I go, that's crazy.

I do this all the time.

I'm a bad person.

You know what I mean?

And I'll just put the cigarette down.

I'll go inside.

Yeah.

Yeah, instead of putting it out.

Yeah.

So that's not a good thing.

Another thing that I do is I pee in her favorite plant and whose favorite plant no not yours well no because there's a bush outside that she she really likes I don't give a fuck about no bushes I've never been a bush fan by the way I don't care about weeds about weeds. I don't give a fuck.
You don't like any bushes.

Yeah, I like trees.

You gotta breathe.

It's just a big bush.

Yeah, but I'm not like a fan of vines.

When you, can I ask you this?

When you reach back to the old country,

when you're talking to the fam and they're like, what's going on?

Are you like, we need to get Kalilah out of here?

Or do you go, we need to save her?

Things like that?

No.

No, okay.

All right.

Just making sure.

So anyway, she said, will you please, looked at me right in the eyes.

We have three bathrooms at home, right?

Just pee in the toilet, right?

Because you start pissing.

You're pissing on that plant that I like.

And I go, I know, but I'm out here. I don't want to go back in there so i'm smoking i'm googling microaggressions and i do you have are you enclosed like are other people seeing you piss no i i purposely put the shades down if i'm gonna do it shades right because i do it outside okay there's a bush outside so i have a machine that does it okay so yeah the mistake is you're saying do neighbors see you yeah bobby just does that so no one inside his own home watches him piss in the book yeah i don't want them to catch me but what about the neighbors no because i have like enclosions enclosements yeah so um enclosements yeah so then i'll i'll pee on the bush and then she'll go what the fuck and i'll i'll turn around i'll turn around yeah Oh, fuck.
Yeah, she puts up with a lot. Yeah.
And so then I'll pee on the bush and then she'll go, what the fuck? And I'll turn around. I'll turn around.
I go, oh, fuck. Man, she puts up with a lot.
Yeah, yeah. She caught me again.
And I go, this is the last time. Yeah, but why? Why do you like pee? I think you do that as an act of defiance.
Yeah, I need to defy a little bit. That's my life.
Yeah, why? Because that's been my whole life is to defy against the rules. Because if you take away drugs and alcohol, which they have, you know what I mean? Which I have.
I've weeded drugs and alcohol out of my life, right? And then along with the pandemic. No weed? No.
I'm in AA. So I, you know, along with the pandemic, I can't leave the house really because we're really mindful about it.
You know I mean what is there left to do pee on the bush oh that feels good yeah yeah pee on the fucking bush there's nothing else to do that feels good that feels good to me it's like I'm going yeah I got this actually that makes more sense thank you so much that makes more sense I also pee they don't even know this I'm going to admit something and I have to clean it up but if you look in the garage yes there's a lot of like i drink um creation juice creation juice yeah it's like it's a it's a company called creation it's a juicery that makes and they're like 13 to 15 dollars for a bottle of fresh press juice so i get fresh press juice and during the day and i'll get like five or six bottles and I'll be playing video games. I'll just down a fucking creation juice.
He's spending $350 a day on juice. No, that's so...
I swear to God. So I'll drink it and then I'll be playing Warzone.
I'll play Ground War so you're like, you know, in the battle for 45 minutes and it's not less, you can't just press pause in it because it's live.

Yeah.

So I'll have an empty creation juice and I'll just go, fuck it.

And I'll just pee in it.

Yeah.

Right.

I'll go, fuck it.

I'm not going, right.

I'll pee in it.

And I'll throw it away later.

But then I forget.

Right.

And the next, you know, you have 15 bottles of pee juice.

Yeah.

Everywhere.

Look at her face.

Yeah. She doesn't look like...
She doesn't look happy.

No. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, this is, again,

you're like, this is what my aunt...

Which, you know, this doesn't come out

until a couple days, so I'm gonna

have to go tonight and throw away

all those bottles. You gotta throw those away.

You gotta. So you don't do

anything like that at home? Well, I'm trying to think...

No one pees in bottles. Nobody pees

in bottles in their own home. I peed in a bottle in a car.
In car you know in a road trip yeah like a grown-up not at the house you've never done it i've never peed in a bottle in my house definitely not all right that's my bad i have pissed in the backyard before there we go there we go that's another thing we have in common okay that feels good have you my backyard. Yes, I pee in my backyard sometimes.
There you go. I don't feel bad for peeing on the plant.
Yeah, but I don't get yelled at for peeing on stuff. It's a weird – it's a different thing though.
Like if, Andrew, if your wife was like, hey, there's this one spot though. I really appreciate you not pissing here.
And then you go, well, that's where I'm going to piss every time. That is weird.
Yeah, I think about it. That's weird.
What else do I do? Other than that, well, I invite ants. Ants? Yeah, yeah.
I have a drawer of ants. Why do you have a drawer of ants? Because at 3 and 4 in the morning, I need my snacks.
Oh. Yeah, so I have sunflowers.
What time do you go to bed? 6 in the morning. So I have my sunflowers to eat.
And you sleep until... Tom, he goes to bed at 6 a.m.
And then he's up 30 minutes before we shoot this show. About 3.34 p.m.
This is wild, dude. It's great.
It's great. It's America.
It's American life. It's American life.
It's American choice. It's called freedom.
Does she mimic your sleep schedule? No. No.
She's already, like this morning, well, this afternoon I woke up. And I go, oh.
I always stretch my arms out, right, because they're in pain because I sleep like this.

You know what I mean?

So I'll go, oh, and I hear, you know what I mean? My bones, like, you know what I mean? Cracking. Disconnecting and stuff.
Yeah. And then I'll look over to see Kalilah and she's gone.
Yeah. And then she's already, like, she has her yoga.
Of course. She's done things.
She's done a lot of things. I went to the grocery, went to the beach.
It must be crazy, though, for you on a job to go from this schedule to they're like all right call time is uh 5 30 and are you just like uh i don't sleep really yeah and you work the whole day like dude i like the last job i when i was in hawaii i was on magnum pi i was in every single scene right the whole week i was it i was the first one they picked up, the last one they dropped off. I didn't sleep for five days.
By the fifth day, I was just like, you know what I mean? Like, I couldn't say a word. I was so tired.
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La lavanda ha vuelto a Starbucks. Pon un toque de primavera en tu taza con el Ice Lavender Matcha.
Que lo disfrutes. Tus Ice Lavender Lattes están listos en Starbucks.
Tom, you saw those episodes of Magnum P.I. that you did.
They were so good. Those are actually.
You don't want to fuck you. No, I'm being serious.
Tom and I talked about it. He goes, dude, he texted me and he goes, dude, I didn't know Bobby was in Magnum PI.
And I said, yeah. And he goes, he's fucking killing it.
And I was like, I know. Who said that? I said it.
Who do I play on it? I play Kevin. Is that not the right name? No, it's not.
What is it? Yeah. If you were even remotely close, I would have given you it.
Kelvin. Kelvin.
No, I don't play Kelvin. Who do you play? Gin.
Gin? Yeah, yeah. Completely different.
Not even the ballpark. That sounds like a microaggression.

What?

It sounds like a microaggression.

It's a microaggression, yeah.

Calling you gin.

Your name should have been Kevin,

less racist,

but gin,

oh,

here comes a gin,

very racist.

Yeah, I don't have an accent in it.

No, that's everyone else.

Oh, here comes a gin.

You do that?

What?

No? Well, before every line I do do but then I do an American accent I go what's up Magnum this is a great character yeah it's a good it's a choice that is a good choice it's an acting choice what's going on here guys is that your grandfather behind you no that's me see that's not you that's a microaggression. No, it looks like your grandfather.
That's me. Yeah, but you realize that I'm right when I say that.
Does that look like Andrew's grandfather? Let me see. Yeah.
Okay. Yeah, it does.
Yeah. Is that your grandfather? Yeah, it's my granddad.
Oh, that's cool. He looks just like you.
Do you want to talk about moving, Tom? It's not a done deal or anything. Bobby was worried.
Bobby said, why is everyone moving? I'm worried that everyone is moving. Yeah.
Because I think I've got to put a stop to it. Everyone.
I don't know anybody that's not, except for this fuck, right?

And Sebastian Maniscalco.

They might leave too.

Now he's talking about, hey, maybe Denver.

Denver's awesome.

Yeah, I love Denver.

I love Denver too.

Yeah, but I just fucking bought a house.

I can't move yet.

Why?

Because I like where I live.

Okay, that's fair then. I know, but I don't want everyone to move.

But now you need to.

I was looking at houses in Austin.

And?

There's a couple I like.

There you go.

If I go there, I don't know what to do.

Because here's the thing.

I'm like an animal.

I'm like a snow leopard.

I have to memorize everything.

Would Kalilah move? I don't think she wants to either because her family's here her whole family's here? yeah her sister and her mom and stuff you know what I mean that's her family they all live in LA though they live in LA and it's like and my friends are moving I don't know Joe I love Joe Rogan I think it's his fault though no i don't really think so because this exodus i mean you know you can point to him but there's a huge exodus outside of like our world you know i mean new york and la specifically what's okay let me ask you something what are the benefits well there's a couple big ones tell me like you went specifically austin No, just, just tell me Austin and tell me what are the benefits of moving out of L.A.? Well, okay. Taxes.
I mean, that's a big one, obviously. There's zero state income tax.
Oh. Whereas in California, we have the highest state income tax in the nation.
Not only that, we are now in a big deficit because of COVID. and more than likely when this new proposal hits the floor,

they'll raise the highest rate to a new highest rate okay okay they'll have three tiers oh of tax rate on them okay um then there's other things like lifestyle right there's so so some people you know like you can love wherever you live but like in let's say if you were going to austin you would more than likely if you looked at those houses have like bigger yards maybe a bigger house newer things like that it's true less congestion little less people but a city like that has it offers a lot right i mean they have huge music scene great restaurants and they're they're um groovy. They're groovy whites.
Yeah. As somebody that tours a lot, it's definitely a lot easier to tour from the middle of the country than the southwest corner.
That's a good point. You know, I mean, look, but the thing about cities is it's a feel thing.
You got to go and like you spend time, you know, in Denver or Nashville or wherever you might go. And it's a thing that you have to go and like you spend time you know in denver or nashville or wherever you might go and and and it's a thing that you have to uh feel like you want to live there like like bobby like bobby said he was thinking about portland and you know portland might be right for you bob i feel like the very a very strong bob vibes when i'm in portland i'll tell you the reason why port'm in Portland.
Aside from the radical things that you were saying.

What was I saying?

I was talking about how they've been protesting for like 117 days straight.

In terms of weather, I like it.

And it's one of the worst weather cities in the United States. I just like rain.

I like the moodiness of the rain.

I like trees.

What about Seattle?

That too.

That would be a surprise as well.

No state income tax.

No state income tax at Seattle, right? That's right. But I'll tell you the benefits of LA okay for me Koreatown big benefit yeah Koreatown I lived there yeah Koreatown first of all we had Korean food last night how good was it it makes me cry it was so good how good really good? Really good.
Really good. Do you like Korean food?

Yeah.

More than Filipino food?

Maybe equal.

Equal.

Wow. Wow.

See, thank you.

So Koreatown.

First of all, where am I going to go to a spa?

You don't think that like.

Oh, so you think that Austin has a 24 hour spa with old Korean men washing my back?

No.

I need that. I need old Korean men washing my shit.
You need that specifically. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I need Korean men. How you doing, Bob? You know what I mean? I need that, right? There's definitely some good Korean food.
So I need 24-hour Korean spa. I need Korean food 24-7.
I can get Korean food 24-7. 24-7 you can get there? Oh, yeah.
I can go to Hordory. That's a 24-hour, you know what I mean? Why don't you go to the original Koreatown and go to Seoul? Why don't you just move to Seoul? That place has so much Korean shit.
It does? Yeah. I've heard.
I've heard. I've heard.
Good things. So why don't you move there? Because I don't know anybody there, all right?

Why don't you step over –

Secondly, let me finish, okay?

Why don't you step over the DNZ and go to the north and see what's going on over there?

Yeah.

All right.

So here's a third thing, all right?

Aside from Korean shit, all right?

I know right now you guys are reacting to the moment, which you should never do, right? People react to the moment. Oh man, the moment's crazy.
Comedy clubs aren't fucking up and grunting and whatnot, right? This is a good point. But they will, right? Inevitably they will, right? Bobby's just mad that everyone is leaving LA and he's building up this defense mechanism which is talking shit about everyone moving because he's sad that everyone's leaving.
Yeah. But I understand that.
That makes sense. That makes sense to me.
You know, cause he doesn't want to be in his little booger castle all alone. Yeah.
He wants other people to still be in the city. Well, change is scary and it's uncomfortable and it's so scary.
Yeah. I'm so scared about it.
Do you you want to tell tom do you want to tell tom that you you guys adopted a baby you guys adopted a little child what yeah tell tom you've got to be terrible at this yeah natron williams natron williams yeah and we got it you got it in the natron williams he's a second year senior at Alabama. And they adopted him.

That's really cool.

He's living in the attic.

At your place?

I don't have one. Somebody's.

That's your son.

Yeah, yeah. Natron Williams is my son.

Do you want to be a dad?

Bro, I would coddle that thing

fucking for days on end.

I would mold

and create life.

I would shape.

Thank you. Bro, I would coddle that thing fucking for days on end.
I would mold and create life. I would shape its mind to be unpenetrable.
Don't say unpenetrable when you talk about your kid. It's such a weird word.
He won't be. Will you tell me another dad story? What do you mean? You told me great stories about your dad.

Oh, my dad.

What a beautiful dad I had.

Now, did you ever, when your dad would say things, did you ever talk back?

Or did you learn? Oh, yeah, yeah.

If you looked at my dad in a funny way, he would hit you in the face.

Really?

Yeah.

You'd say.

You looked at me weird, right?

Yeah. And I'd go, I just looked at you.
And you would cry. And sometimes he would chase you down the hallway.
Stop looking at me like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, you know, I lived in... Or then you would, like...
My dad would come home. Right.
I'd be sleeping on my bed. My dad would come home.
I could hear him park his car.

And then he would open up the garage.

So this is the garage door.

Then it was my bedroom, Steve's bedroom, right?

Then a guest room.

And then my parents' room at the end of the hallway.

You would hear the door open. You could hear him do a fucking sprint.

Right?

And run.

Every night he would do that.

Why would he sprint? Because that part of the fucking hallway was haunted so you're sprinting through it my brother got possessed my brother got possessed i got possessed once i had to go in the swimming pool to get unpossessed okay well what what what are you talking about okay what do you mean you had to go unpossessed? Let's call him. Can we call him? Yeah, no, no.
My brother was on last week. Now, check it out, okay? And we've talked about this before.
We believe that on our side of the house, we lived on an Indian – because the town was called Poway. We lived on an Indian burial ground.
Oh, Poway High School. Yeah.
Yeah, I know some famous alums.

Yeah.

And that's called a callback.

And that's why you're good, and that's why you're the best in the game.

Thanks, man. And that's why you're great in Countdown.

Appreciate it.

Alright? Yes.

So my brother, right,

his eyes rolled back one time,

and he started convulsing, and my

aunt, and my uncle,

and my dad had to hold my brother

down, and he was convulsing.

Thank you. like something's holding me down.
Why are you smiling? I'm just waiting. No, that's fuck you, man.
And that's why I, that's why, fuck you, man. That's why I have a hard time, Andrew.
Look, he's not even fucking paying attention. He's tweeting.
I'm reading about Poway High School. Yeah, yeah.
So something's holding me down, right? And I go, I can't get up. Wait, why'd you have an accent for that? Because that's my inner voice.
Okay, okay. I wouldn't say that out loud.
I can't get up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can't get up. Right? I cannot do it.
Right, or whatever, right? Yeah, he has an accent. His subconscious has an accent.
Yeah, right. And I go, ah, ah, and I fought it, right? Yeah.
And I didn't know what to do. So I just run, right, into the laundry room, outside the door, and I jump in the winter-cooled swimming pool.
With all my clothes on. And I get to the surface, and the possession was gone, right? So we made the mistake of telling my dad this.
Oh, boy. The two incidents.
So since we lived in the house, he would run through part of the house. I mean, what did he think when you told him the stories? He goes, no, that's in your mind.
That's not real. Right? Oh, no, no, no, no.
There's no ghost here. Expensive house.
Right? Right? But then he would park and run. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. That's fucking sabotage for sure.
Yeah. Yeah.
So, you know, I didn't have a lot of – did I tell you about – so here's the thing. When my dad died – I don't know about my family.
So when my dad – I was in the room when my dad died. Right? Did he have a prolonged health issue? Yeah.
He had stroke. I don't know.
I'm asking. I just told you.
You said it like, hey, dickhead, how did you not know? No, I told you. No, you asked me.
Okay, all right. No, no, no, just stop.
All right? I hate when white dudes do this. Wait, whoa, whoa.
What? You're Hispanic. I get it.
Hola. But I hate it when people do this.
When you ask me – let's just stop. When you ask me a question and I answer you accordingly and then you go – and then you do some defensive thing.
I apologize. You're welcome.
You had a stroke. Right.
And then how long was the – But this is something that I remember. Okay.
So the nurse goes – or the hospice nurse goes, any moment now, he's going to die. What's so funny? Just the idea of just a nurse going, any moment now.
I don't know how that's funny. It's going to happen.
Yeah, yeah. Are you guys ready? Yeah, she goes, any moment.
And one and a two and a ching chong potato.

Right?

So then my mom goes, call Uncle Han, my dad's brother.

So my dad's brother left San Diego, right, to drive to Phoenix. That's where the hospice hospital is, right?

Yeah.

And he's not there yet.

So my mom goes, call him, right?

So I call.

I go, where are you?

He goes, he died.

My uncle goes, he died?

I go, no, but he's going to die.

And my uncle goes, don't let him die yet.

Hold on, right?

And he hung up the phone. And I didn't know what to do, so I looked at my dad.
I go, can you dad don't die yet? Is that weird? Yeah, yeah. But I get that.
15 minutes. Uncle's almost here.
Yeah, yeah. My uncle shows up.
My uncle Han shows up. My dad's already dead.
Right? My uncle, I go, he died. Right? My uncle walks in the room.
He looks at my dad's body. He goes, okay, okay, okay.
He gets back in the car and he drives back to San Diego. That's it? He didn't say anything else? He didn't say anything.
So I said, I want to go, you could have just stayed home. Yeah.
Well, is this Dong Young's? What? Is this Dong Young's? You remember Dong Young? Well, how would I forget Dong Young? No, I have nine uncles and aunts. What? Yeah, yeah.
Jesus. Dong Young is just a part of it.
Okay. Yeah, yeah.
But yeah, so that's what happened. So this guy was just like, okay, and then turned around and got in his car and drove away.
Yeah, he could have done that or just stayed home. Well, he could have been like, do you guys want me to stay?

No, he didn't do that. Nothing.

And he didn't cry.

Did you guys have a funeral procession so people could look at him?

No.

Anything? No, we went.

Well, then my mom goes,

do a selfie.

Do what? Selfie?

I have it on my phone.

Do you want to see it? It's tragic.

She wanted a selfie with the family? She did this one. You're right? Yeah.
So my dad's dead, right? And my brother, and she's like, get in, get in, right? And she did this. And I was just like, you know what I mean? And she goes, it's not working.
I know because I go, it's weird that you want a selfie. She goes, do the timer.
I go, what timer? On your phone. Time, time, time.
So I did the timer. So I set it up.
Yeah. Right.
And I had to run around my dad's body. Yeah.
Right. And then do a photo.
Right. And we had to do it like three or four times because it clicked too early.
So it was my mid-body. They got my mid-body into the.
And she wanted this moment. She wanted the moment, yeah.
Well, and in order for them to get his pension plan, they needed to do a series of set-up shots. So they did a Christmas photo.
They had Easter photos. This was all for proof of citizenship? I don't know.
Yes. But my mistake was I sent the photos immediately to the Hudsons, Kate and Oliver Hudson.

Why?

Because at the time, Oliver and I were on a show together.

And so I just wanted to show him that my dad died.

And I know exactly.

That was the wrong move.

Yeah.

What did he say? Because Kate and Oliver goes, dude, your dad's not really dead in the photo, right?

And I go, yeah, yeah.

He goes, you don't send that to people.

He told you.

Yeah, and now Kate's disturbed. Of course.
Yeah, and I go, oh, that's my bad. Yeah, that was definitely weird.
But also. Yeah, you want to see him? Well, no, no.
I really feel like that's one of the times when white people get to go like, you know, they're fucking, you know, they're different. You know what I mean? This is probably what they do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they're like, yeah, let's not be judgmental about it.
Can I just show you a photo? Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. Have you seen them? Yes, Bobby.
Would it horrify you? No, it won't. I actually really liked your guy's song that you came up with afterwards.
Yeah, Daddy Why You Die. Daddy Why You Die.
Thank you. That was really – is that on iTunes? It should be.
You could really make some money on that. You think so? Oh, yeah.
That's just a banger, dude. Yeah, yeah.
We actually want to do a remix with Vin Diesel to Daddy Why You while you die yeah i bet he would yeah we're out to his publicist to see if he will oh that's really sad man yeah and who is this my brother that's your brother and that's mom he's just passed here yeah it's very sad man thanks for showing me I can See, I can't deal with real shit. Yeah, I know.
You have very... You have high-level comedic wiring.
That's a lot of comedians fall into this. Yeah, my therapist even is confused.
She's just constantly writing notes. Yeah.
And it's like... She goes...
I goes i've never she goes in all my history of being a therapist and i and i i'm a therapist for a lot of comics and a lot of actors and directors and whatnot in the business i've never even witnessed anything like that before the way you think and the way you behave i go there's no technical term for what that is. And I go, is there no hope for me, doc? And she goes, we'll figure it out.
Yeah. Yeah.
But you know what? That means no. But those types of real things make you uncomfortable.
I hate it. It's like, you know, last night.
But you also had kind of a traumatic upbringing, man. Yeah.
Like even when like Kalilah says something real, that's her name, not Kurosawa. Let's just get that out of the way.
I didn't know that. Thanks for telling me.
Let's get that out of the way an hour and a half into us say Kurosawa. Kalilah, your wife, Christine.
What's her name. That's her name, right? Yeah.
Christina. Right.
Provinskis. Right.
So does your wife ever do this? I really have an issue. And then you go, what? Yeah, of course.
And then she goes – she tells you what it is. Yeah.
And it's really deep and emotional, right? And it's a big problem. And my body just gets all tingly.
So I just feel my body go, right? And like goosebumps, right? And my mind gets hyper-focused. Yep.
Like this, you know what I mean? And it's almost like an out-of-body experience. Yeah.
And I just believe you know i mean it's so real yeah right do you ever get that yes yeah i think part of that though is the fact that like guys we don't we don't communicate on that level like if you hung out with just guys like in college or at the comedy like no guy's gonna like come at you like guys just don't. Women do communicate on that level.
Yeah. It's like I was never taught that.
You know what I mean? It's like I was never taught, like, real emotion. Even if a guy, like, Andrew's never come up to me and goes, hey, can I just, you know, can I tell you something, bud? I go, what, you freak? You redheaded freak of nature.
I'll say that, right? Yeah. And he'll go, don't call me that, man.
That's what hurts me. It hurts my feelings.
I go, you're a fucking albino freak. You should kill yourself or whatever it might be, right? It's very cool.
Yeah, but that would never like, we would never have that kind of emotional conversation. There's times when I try to get real with you and you don't know how to fucking handle it.
Yeah. Yeah.
No, I say if I say to you, I'm being serious, Bob, like it really it upsets me or I'm it's I'm not OK with it. And then you just like, OK, OK.
You don't know how to you. I don't know how to do it.
You're right. And, you know, I'm glad we're talking about it now.
Right. I think we should get it out of the way.
Is there something that's bothering you about him right now? No. Well, in this very moment, no, because he's been a good boy.
I've been very happy with him. I think the real question is, Jules, what do you think, Bobby? What do you want to tell him? I think Bobby should be more active and participate more in the family.
There goes those feelings. This is the thing that she was saying.
It's like I don't wake up, right, and I don't go, hey, guys, I have a plan today. Right.
And they're like, what is it? Messiah? Master or whatever, right? And I'll go, let's go to the beach. I have it all planned out.
You just roll with the flow. Right.
I wake up and people just tell me, we're going to the beach. And I'll go, let's go.
But you will go. I do go.
Yeah. You know, two weeks ago, what was what was it we gotta go to a baby seance how could he what was that thing we went to baby shower no it's the first birthday of Jessica's baby whatever it is you know what I mean you mean a birthday party a baby seance I don't know what it was some sort of cultural event how do you think he could participate more would one thing be like getting up at a more reasonable hour yeah and like he he never went to the beach with us he doesn't like to go did i not go to the fuck you fucking ungrateful little lady hey hey hey my bad i've apologized but did i not right you know i mean did i not listen to me little one what about that one time we went to the beach and we got the Mexican food we just went there and watched the beach and ate Mexican food we didn't swim oh so you want me to go out in the cold water yeah and swim against the current I'm with you, Jules.
And the tide. Okay.
I'll

do that. And I'm going to say this to you, little

one, alright?

Who's the guy? Were you here

when we went to Hawaii and

Kalilah was like, we're swimming with sharks

today, right? And I

go, you know what? But I wasn't there. It doesn't

matter! It happened.

And I was the one that was like, you know what?

I'm going to get involved.

I will swim with the sharks no matter what happens, if I die or not.

By the way, you have to watch a Netflix show called The Octopus Teacher.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I saw the trailer.

But what else could he do?

What else could he do to get more involved?

I feel like he's always in a bad mood. Bobby.
It feels good, huh? It feels good? Hold up, Red. It feels good? Okay.
You know what? I'm going to say this to you. Alright? Just stop.
Alright? Number one, you are always welcome to live in my house as long as you want. I love you like you're a family member.
Even if Kalilah and I, for some circumstance, we break up, right? I've already told you this, that for the rest of your life, you can always ask things of me, and I will be there for you. Right? And I will always be there for you.
Okay? And you're very impactful for my life, and I really do. I love you and and i know that you just betrayed me right now in front of the podcast audience and i know that that's your nature right but you know that my heart is in the right place so you have to do some self-inventory my friend right and some analysis okay and analyze where you're coming from, lady, because it's an ungrateful attitude that's going to get you at the end.
Okay? That was a real moment, Bobby. Thank you.
Good job. You're welcome.
What, Andy, okay? So anybody worth noting that went to PewDiePie High? Yeah. Well, no, this is this is something about Poway.
Poway, there is a Ghost of America site and Poway is on here multiple times. And somebody's what's the name of the street that you lived on, Bobby? I don't remember.
Ranch Hollow Road. Ranch? Ranch Hollow Road.
Yes. Shut.
Shut the fuck up. Shut up.

There's no thing on Ranch Hollow Road there.

I would like to know the history behind Poway Creek.

I moved to Poway in October of 96.

I've been here since eighth grade middle school.

My parents moved to a new house in the Shea Holmes district of Ranch Hollow Creek.

I have noticed some of my parents' houses indeed haunted.

When I stay there overnight, I get chills.

I walk outside to have a cigarette.

I witness strange sounds before I go to bed.

One night while using my computer, I heard a rattling sound on my desk as if someone was throwing chains onto it. The doors will open and close.
And the only way for me to seek relief is to dip inside of the old Poway Creek. Yep, that's exactly it.
I wrote that, didn't I? No, this is real. I know it is.
I don't know where you're getting that from. but you know what? If it's real, I believe it.
There's a Ghost of America site. I believe it.
And the girl said, I knew that natives had dwelt along old Poway Creek before the houses were even built. I also know the neighborhood has shifted over the years.
Many dirty little Asian people have moved down to my parents' street, and they've ruined the neighborhood and the community significantly. Perhaps it's some of their old, gross, dirty ancestors that are mucking up the town.
That sounds dead on. Ghosts of America.
That sounds crazy, dude. Yeah.
Ghosts of America. So, Tommy, I want to say this from the bottom of my heart.
I know I did your podcast, which is a very successful one. Probably won the best in the world.
And I really appreciate the help. In fact, you did your podcast, I think, before I did Tiger Belly.
How long have you been around? Doing podcasts? Yeah. About 10 years.
Okay, so you were. You're one of the forefathers.
And I appreciate that you paved the road for us. Okay.
Thanks, man. I'm being real.
Oh, really? Yeah. Okay.
Thank you. And I've reiterated, I don't remember jumping on your back.
I do remember the one time that I did meet you when we did the Oddball tool and what you did for me. That's right.
And that really says a lot about your heart. And I know that you were like three or four hours late to this podcast.
We waited here forever. I know.
I'm sorry. I know you did.
I wasn't three or four hours late. Anyway, you probably wouldn't do that if it was anybody.
No. Like Rick Glassman's one, you'd probably be there.
I forgot, and I was up front, and I admitted it. I appreciate, though, that you came, even though me and Andrew are headliners, and we have some weight in the business as well.
Yes, you do. And I did yours.
I was on time. You were on time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I really, I honestly, all jokes aside.
Yes. All jokes aside.
Go fuck yourself. No, I'm kidding.
All jokes aside. I really, all jokes aside.
I honestly like when we were, because you know when he's in Beirut doing the movie and I didn't know what to do. We had my brother on last week, and it's like, who do we get? And it's like we threw out a thousand names, and you were at the top of the fucking list.
And I literally went, there's no way we're going to be able to get them. You came through for us.
You're here, right? I honestly – I know I'm a fucked up guy, and I have – I just need a lot of help. Peeing on things and setting things on fire I just have a lot of things you know I have a lot of problems but I'm a damaged guy but I'm trying to get better but I really hope that the rest of my life that you'll be in it even though you'll move away and what not I honestly think, you know, like Bert was here, but I think that you're ahead now.
Yeah, I mean, I would think that that was already a thing for you. I mean, Bert did put me on his TV show.
He did? Oh, yeah. The one that we're on, the log cabin.

Oh, yeah, yeah, the cabin.

That'll be good.

Oh, dude, I loved it.

I had so much fun doing that, too.

Yeah, what did you guys do on your episode?

Bert and I, Bert called me, he goes,

bro, you're so funny,

I can put you in the woods with me in this cabin,

and we can just have a great time.

And I said, absolutely. And I went i went up there dude we went water skiing um kayak we went fly fishing so i don't know i just hope it stays in the final cut i'm sure it will i mean that sounds like a lot of activities i'm sure they'll keep one in but yeah it's odd though it's odd though because the lineup of it were like real credible people it's odd that he would like have would go underneath that and go let's get let's get like underneath people whoa to do one jesus it's just because if you look at the the lineup of it it's like headliner headliner credible headliner, credible, credible.
You know what I mean?

Talent, talent.

And then he went, let's go open mic kind of with it.

And let's do one with Andrew.

So it's odd that Netflix would check that off and whatnot.

But congratulations that you were in it.

Yeah, what is it called again?

The Cabin?

Yeah, The Cabin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's got Tom Hardy, Tom Hanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The Rock really credible comedians on there Kaylee Cuoco, everyone knows she's a great touring headliner, love to see her in there Patty Negri who's that? Huge Vegas Act Vegas Act Vegas act. She's the pre-opener for Caratop.
Caitlyn Jenner. She crushes.
Love to see her. And Joelle Michele.
Very funny. Very talented.
She's a script supervisor for the West Wing. Well, look, I'm glad that cut.
Yeah, man. You're going to love your episode.
You know, your little bitch little thing that you just did, right? That, oh, I'm not in it. Oh, I'm not.
How about this? Fuck not. All right? They're doing a Showtime, right? Documentary on Showtime about the comedy store.
Yeah. I've been there for 22 years.
If you look at the poster, I'm not on the poster. Why not? I don't know why.
Who's on it? Who is? He is. He's on the poster? He's in there with Richard Pryor and all that stuff.
So I don't know why he's bitching. Right? Some people get stuff.
Some people don't get stuff. But we all get stuff at the end.
Yeah. Good philosophy.
Yeah, but did you guys get paid to do the Burt Show? Yeah, like 100 grand?

Something like that.

Something like that.

I donated it.

Yeah, I donated it.

It's nothing to me.

Showtime.

Showtime.

Let me have Showtime.

Yeah, yeah.

I heard that.

I heard that.

They gave you the network?

They gave them the network.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's crazy, dude.

Yeah.

Not really.

Not when you look at my track record. So I just, yeah, I'm going to be taking over Showtime.
That's really cool, network. That's crazy, dude.
Not really. Not when you look at my track record.

I'm going to be taking over Showtime.

That's really cool, man.

Congratulations, man.

No shit. Congratulations, Bobby.

And also, CBS.

You'll never get a job again on CBS.

Ooh.

Burn. Fuck you, Bobby.

Fuck me and my fucking heritage.

I love you, guys. I'm going to go back to my set in Beirut.
Okay, go, go, go. Thank you so much for coming.
Get some rest. Yeah, get some rest.
Get some rest and some water. And have fun.
Be in Beirut. Yeah, be in Beirut.
Do the movie good. Hey, Bobby, have fun being up for the next 11 hours.
Thank you. I will.
I haven't had my first meal yet, so I will have that. That's awesome, man.
Okay. And thank you so much, Tom, for being here.
I had a good time, guys. It was really fun.

Thank you, Tom.

Tom, will you sign off? Will you look in the camera and say

thank you for being a bad friend? Yeah.

Before we go, right? Yeah. Everyone, make sure

you check out

my friend's movie.

All right. It's called The Opening

Act. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Steve Byrne in The Opening Act.

It's got Ken Jeong, Bill Burr, everyone's in it. Yeah, yeah, me.
You're in it? Yeah, I'm in it. You play the waiter.
I'm the cop. Guess what? I get to do some fun cop shit.
Yeah. So, you know, me and Andrew auditioned for this opening act.
We didn't get the part. Five times.
We read five times. I went to producers.
You did? I went to producers. Who were you auditioning to be? Jimmy Yo-Yang and Ken Jeong's part They both picked me out It's a funny movie It's got great people in it Bill Burr, Tom Segura I went out for Bill Burr's part And you didn't get it It's fine Hopefully one day Steve will use me.
I actually watched it the other day.

This is a weird

thought to have.

But I'm being totally honest with it.

I enjoyed that

you weren't in it.

At the end of the movie, I was like,

I'm glad Bobby wasn't in it.

I was like, this is

so much better. That's good.

Thank you for being a bad friend. I'm going to choke you out.
Bye-bye. Bye.
Yeah. Daddy, I love you.
Daddy, why'd you die? Happy Father's Day, Daddy. Daddy, I can fly.
Daddy, I miss you. Why are you dead? Daddy, I need you laying in your bed.
Daddy, I love you. Why did you die? Yeah.
I'm sorry I took photos of you while you were dead and sent it to the Hudson's what is wrong with my head You were dead And then I whipped out my iPhone I can't believe I did that shit Now I'm all alone Daddy, I love you Why did you die?