3 Bears 2 Caves ft. Tom Segura

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Speaker 2 You know, at first I was like, I'm on a show.

Speaker 2 It's pretty cool.

Speaker 2 But after a while, sitting here listening to these war ons

Speaker 2 and not once,

Speaker 2 does anyone ever think to get me some water?

Speaker 2 I'm tired, man.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 I guess I should tell you.

Speaker 2 We We got merch.

Speaker 2 Go to badfriendsmerch.com.

Speaker 2 Oh, now you give me water?

Speaker 2 F you!

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends! Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 You two are something. We're bad friends.
Hello, hello, hello. Wow.
Woo, woo, woo.

Speaker 2 welcome to another episode of bad friends

Speaker 2 we've got red red is not here red's not here

Speaker 2 red's doing a movie in beirut

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 you know it's called the uh nuremberg effect yeah he's in a movie called the nuremberg effect i'm actually i'm doing a movie right now i'm in north korea it's called the impossible chopstick and uh that's a fucking microaggression is that no it's not it's a microaggression it's a microaggression

Speaker 2 is that your

Speaker 2 bobby yeah everywhere everywhere he goes he's doing a movie it's it's him brad pitt tom hardy and some other people oh it sounds like

Speaker 2 small budget hanks yeah yeah small budget yeah the budget's like a million around the world so he he's just shooting new zealand next week so he's gonna have that set there and then that background there yeah so they then i fly to peru then i finish the movie in peru that's great and what's crazy is i start right after that i start a movie uh with the rock the rock and i are doing like a yeah it's called transitioning and uh it's called the rock in the hard place bro

Speaker 2 rock in the hard place yeah andrew that's a very that's a very busy schedule

Speaker 3 yeah dude but it's like that's who i am that's who i want to be and that's yeah yeah i mean i would

Speaker 2 honestly with that schedule i never would say this to somebody but i would i think that's appropriate to tell you that i think it's time to quit podcasting

Speaker 2 yeah you know what i mean like i mean that's tom hardy tom hanks the rock like you're fucking you're done

Speaker 2 you're done with this. I don't know, but it's like

Speaker 3 it's you guys. You know what I mean? I mean, Bobby Lee, Tom Segura.
You think your names aren't ranked as high as Tom Hardy and

Speaker 3 Tom Cruise in those cards?

Speaker 2 I don't. I don't think so.
I don't.

Speaker 2 And I think they would mock us if they met us. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Can we start with this? Last night,

Speaker 2 Papa's trying to sleep. You know, Papa, Papa, that's me.
Papa likes to sleep. And I'm about to get to bed.

Speaker 2 And then all of a sudden, you know, sometimes I'll cap the night off with, you know, going on the internet and whatnot. And then, you know, you get the news that

Speaker 2 Trump has the COVID. I know.
Right? And then

Speaker 2 I didn't sleep for 12 hours. I was just laying there just fucking.

Speaker 2 Reading? Reading and Google. What was your first emotion when you found out?

Speaker 2 I prayed. You did not.
I did.

Speaker 2 As Jules knows, as Andrew knows, I'm a Jesus freak. I believe in the Lord.
And I got on my hands and knees, and I'll tell you the fucking prayer I did. Okay, dear Lord, heavenly fathers,

Speaker 2 right? Yeah. To you, to each his own.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 So I follow up with that, right? Wait, dear Lord. Wait, who are the heavenly fathers? Because that's a pleasure.
Zeus. Okay.
Cleopatra, because he's up there.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 We've got Jesus. Definitely.
Yeah, he's a

Speaker 2 problem. He's like the captain or whatever.
Oh, he's got several up there. He's captain,

Speaker 2 I think. We've got Noisy.

Speaker 2 Moses. Some people call it Moisy.
Yes.

Speaker 2 I call it moses we've also got um um the holy ghost and he's like the ninja of up there yeah you can't really see he's not really around you can't see him do you feel like the holy ghost is asian he could be yeah yeah yeah yeah holy ghost has like a cloud mask on yeah it looks like covet but a mask but like he's got the eyes you know dude ninjas are so so yeah and the holy ghost is like a cloud ninja how much did you try did you dress up as a ninja as a kid yeah multiple times and and and it's pronounced hoary ghost Hoary ghost.

Speaker 2 Oh, Hoary Ghost. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hoary ghost.

Speaker 2 That's a microaggression.

Speaker 2 And so, um,

Speaker 2 wait, you're not afraid. You're not offended by that? What? The hoary ghost? No, because that's what ninjas are hoary ghosts.
I mean, that's what yeah, that's what they call it. Yeah, cloud ninjas.

Speaker 2 I'm very offended by it. I'm offended by it, yeah.
Okay, let it come. Okay, I'm very offended by it.
That's what I was making. Yeah, yeah.
A lot of things that he says is very offensive. Does he

Speaker 2 say as an ethnic person trying to survive in this world? Yeah. I try to let it go.

Speaker 3 Trying to survive.

Speaker 3 Trying to survive. The guy has like five television shows and five movies going right now.

Speaker 2 Shut up. I shut up.
Fuck you, all right? Fuck you. You're being rude with Tom Hanks and Tom Hardy and all the Tom.
You have five movies going right now? No, I got nothing going. All right.

Speaker 2 I don't know what he's doing. Liar.

Speaker 2 Liar.

Speaker 2 He's a little baby on FX.

Speaker 2 Does he make racially charged statements like that with the words and everything often? He does.

Speaker 2 Like the other day he goes, hey, he just calls me out. He goes, what is the direct translation of Ching Chong?

Speaker 2 And I go, yeah, he does. I go, I think Ching Chong is just,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? Not a generic thing that like white people say to Asians back in the day.

Speaker 3 That is not true. I said, I called you and I said, does Ching Chong mean anything? I didn't know.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. And I said, no, it's just, it doesn't.
And so he hangs up. And then an hour later, he goes,

Speaker 2 you know, when you drive at, I don't think it's safe for you to drive at night. And I go, go, why not? And he goes, because you're not going to be able to see much.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 2 So I go, that's not true. I have great, I can't see peripherally.
Why can't you see peripherally? Because my eyes are slanties. Wait, is this a true statement? Yeah.
Seriously?

Speaker 2 I can only see a straight ahead, and it's also like this. Yeah.
It's like a horse blinder. It's a horseblinder, yeah.
And it kind of, you know,

Speaker 2 it kind of moves off like this. Have you considered the surgery where they open it up? I refuse.
Oh. Because I don't want to see that much.

Speaker 2 You hear me? I don't want to see everything.

Speaker 2 I don't want to see everything. Right, right.
I just want to see this much. Right, right.
So your eyes are perfect. Right.
So I go, no, I can see this much on the road, so it's fine.

Speaker 2 But so my prayer, let's go back to the prayer. Dear Lord, I said all that's right.
And I go, please, in your heavenly arms, right? Please coddle. Please coddle our great leader, Donald Trump.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And make him good. The strength of America is behind him.
Right. Make him good and make him fine.
And he does not deserve this. Yeah.
Nobody does.

Speaker 2 Right? And dear Jesus in heaven's name, amen to you and all. Wow, that's a really nice prayer.
That's a really,

Speaker 2 really nice prayer. That's what I did.
When I found out that he had it, I did the prayer. And then you go into the conspiracy theories.

Speaker 2 Right? One of them being, right, he's faking it.

Speaker 2 I think it's sympathy.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I don't buy that conspiracy theory.
I don't either because,

Speaker 2 do you, Andrew? Because

Speaker 2 you'd have to get so many people involved here's how you know go ahead that that he's actually sick his whole thing his whole persona is based on like i'm tough i'm strong i don't need that that shit doesn't apply to me things don't bother me the very fact that he would allow himself to be taken to walter reed hospital believe that's right that's that's something that he would not want to do they also landed the helicopter as close as they could to the door yeah Now he's sick.

Speaker 2 He's like, pull it up right to the door. They're like, we will die if we do that.
We have to do five feet away. You know what I mean? He's like, okay.

Speaker 2 And he barely made it. They're like, the blades are going to go through the fucking wire.
He's like, hey, he's got cement here. And he's like, no, no, no, no.
So he did make it in there.

Speaker 2 And you're right. I think his ego wouldn't allow it.
Absolutely. That's why you know it's real, I think.
Yeah, but you know, I feel.

Speaker 2 But then here's what he'll probably, they'll probably say, like, he was on a respirator, his temperature is 106. When he comes out, he'll be like, not that bad.
It really wasn't bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm a strong guy, and strong guys, it just doesn't fuck with me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But it really is, I was telling Andrew earlier, because we waited three hours for you to arrive. And we would have waited forever.

Speaker 2 I am sorry. I already apologized.
I'm sorry. You were the Thomas, Sir Thomas.

Speaker 2 Sir Thomas, okay? And we know.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you this.

Speaker 2 This is actually just more wholesome than the only other time that I completely forgot I was scheduled to do a podcast.

Speaker 2 So this is the second time.

Speaker 2 Today, I was a big tennis match. You know, I was out in the sun.
I got home, showered, laying on the couch. Literally, Andrew's like, Let me know when you get there.
And I was like, fuck,

Speaker 2 right? And I just panicked. Yeah.
Got my kid dressed, and I was like, you guys got to watch them. And I just jumped in the car.

Speaker 2 The last time was in 20,

Speaker 2 God, I want to say this is 2012. Holy shit.
But I remember it like it was yesterday. And I had agreed to do the Sklar Brothers podcast, which is one of the best.
They're great. They're great guys.

Speaker 2 And they're like, hey, will you, you know, come on on Friday and we'll see you at noon. And I go, yeah, okay.

Speaker 2 I'm jerking off, looking at my phone,

Speaker 2 watching porn, like stroking my, and it's just, you know, the iPhone thing broke.

Speaker 2 It's like Randy Sklar. And I'm like, and as soon as I see his name, I'm like, fuck.
So he's like, are you close? And I was like, to coming. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I just had to do the whole thing where I couldn't, I mean, I didn't want to tell him what I was doing, but he knows now.

Speaker 3 Randy, when he texts me, I come anyway. It's really strange.
Moment, bing, I see, it just will come out.

Speaker 2 Just chiz.

Speaker 2 I'm going to be honest with you. I

Speaker 2 never have ever, and asked them, have called them by their name. Yeah.
Because I don't know who's who.

Speaker 3 I know you don't.

Speaker 2 I really don't. I know you don't.
I go, I always go, what's up? The brothers are in town. If I see them both.
Or, oh, where's your other better half? I'll do something like that.

Speaker 2 I've never felt more in sync with you because

Speaker 2 I absolutely refuse to try.

Speaker 2 And sometimes they do the thing where they're like, hey, I got the glasses. It's Jason.
Yeah, and you're like, I fucking know. I know.

Speaker 2 Really? I don't know. It's you, Jason.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so I don't know the difference, but they're great guys and you're a talent.

Speaker 2 Wait, does Ching Chong really not mean anything?

Speaker 2 I think Ching Chong means,

Speaker 2 hello, maybe.

Speaker 2 Can we just address something about it, though? Go ahead. It's a fun thing to say.

Speaker 2 It's unfortunate that it has negative

Speaker 2 racial connotation because

Speaker 2 it really feels. It flows off the top.
It flows off the top.

Speaker 3 Tell me, you guys have seen there is a very offensive meme.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 3 It's a mentally handicapped Asian guy, and he's a maestro of an orchestra.

Speaker 2 I know exactly what you're talking about.

Speaker 3 And it says, and a one and a three and a ching chong potato.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And it's easily the funniest meme meme I've ever seen in my entire life. Yeah, right.
Is it offensive? Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 It's just very funny.

Speaker 2 Very funny. But also, like, it also, it would be nice if it was acceptable to use for like, you know what I mean? Like, let's say you were like, hey, you know, my, my mom made this dish.

Speaker 2 And I was like, what is it? And then you could be like, it's just some ching chunk shit, you know? And like,

Speaker 2 you know?

Speaker 2 And then I'd be like, oh, yeah, it's just, you'll see comics. If you walk into a green room,

Speaker 2 there are some comics and they can't help themselves. They'll go,

Speaker 2 when I walk in. They do that too when you walk in.
When I walk in, and then you, and then I've been conditioned to laugh at it, but it hurts.

Speaker 2 It burns. Really? Yeah, it burns.

Speaker 2 But you have to go,

Speaker 2 that's a good one. You know what I mean? Like you've seen it 30 million times in your life, right? Of course.
Yeah, yeah. Which is when they go, gong, and then they giggle.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 People are really doing that. Oh, yeah, yeah.
When you walk in the room.

Speaker 3 Well, tell Tom about you learning about microaggressions.

Speaker 2 All right, so yesterday I went to, I was just googling things. This is before I found out that Trump had COVID.
And then I went to my high school. You know, I'm obsessed with my high school.

Speaker 2 So I went to Powwe High School. I googled that on YouTube.
And then they go. Wait, you're obsessed with your high school?

Speaker 3 Yeah, because I'm just saying. Because it's so pathetic.
Because he wants to be in the high school Hall of Fame.

Speaker 2 They don't respect me.

Speaker 3 He wants to be in the alumni, the notable alumni.

Speaker 2 They don't like me. They don't like me.
How are you not in the notable alumni?

Speaker 2 I am on Galahad. But I'm not by them.
Oh, right. Yeah, because I...
Is this a big high school? It's pretty big. Yeah,

Speaker 2 they don't find me to be a credible

Speaker 2 entity when it comes to fame.

Speaker 2 They think that... That's kind of hard to believe, man.
Well, they have people that are, like, if you look it up, we've done this before on the show, where you go, you Google, you know, their notable

Speaker 2 alums, and it's like, you know, Ving Trang, who, you know, plays the violin for the orchestra. How many seasons were you on Mad TV? Eight.

Speaker 2 Come on, man. Like that alone.
I bet that they don't care.

Speaker 3 I was on the air for eight fucking years.

Speaker 2 17. Well, the show was on air for 14 years.

Speaker 3 The one that you were on, though.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I was on the show the last eight years of Mad TV. Wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I met you on the street. I met you on the street when you were doing that.
And I remember that. No, you don't.
What a great day. Wow.
You don't remember it. Domas, certainly.

Speaker 2 I have a vivid memory of meeting him on the street. He says this all the fucking time.
Go ahead. Tell him.

Speaker 2 You're with some tall blonde, really tall. Was she cute? Yeah.
She was like 6'1.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 I was super, I was like excited to meet you. Yeah.
And

Speaker 2 we started riffing

Speaker 2 like a bit right there on the street. Yeah.
And you hopped on my back. That's right.
Yeah, I don't remember that. You don't remember that.
I do. I hopped on your back and I go,

Speaker 2 I whipped you. And I go, gallop on.
No, that's not the bit. Daddy? Nope.
No. No.
Nope. It was about a fire rescue thing.

Speaker 2 I was rescuing you from a burning building. Tom, let me just say something.
When I see people with your body type, I always jump on the back. Just body type meaning, you know, I can do deadlifts.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. Body type meaning that you're not, you know,

Speaker 2 horribly fat like some people we know.

Speaker 2 Right? And you're but you have a thickness to you. I am a thick boy.
Yeah, yeah. And it's that's not a bad thing.

Speaker 3 Can you believe he's saying this? Bobby, you're basically like,

Speaker 3 you're just a squished figure of a taller, fat guy, Bob. You're just somebody accordion to taller fat guy.

Speaker 2 Jules liked that one. Yeah.
And

Speaker 2 hey, Andrew.

Speaker 3 It's true. You talk like you're not, like, you call him thick.
You have such a rotund belly. You have a pot belly.

Speaker 2 I'm fat.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm not denying that.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but you say you jump on his back.

Speaker 2 Because I'm smaller. Yeah.

Speaker 2 A smaller fat guy is gonna jump on a fatter fat guy's body right it's not the reverse i'd get crushed by him is that in the code you could

Speaker 2 you think i would crush you i don't think you would i think i'd be able to handle your weight yeah don't get offended because you're you're doing us a favor and thank you so much for being here hey hey you're very handsome but i mean you're you're also taking jabs at my body you know that's that's a that's not even a microaggression that's that's really not part of like society today to come after my my physicality true that's true and i'm very sensitive about it yeah but can i just say something right now i'm going to tell you i found out what microcoaggression was because i went to the powwe high school youtube

Speaker 2 what what's the name of the high school powwe high school powwey yeah in hawaii no it's in san diego okay and they did a um a video on microaggression okay and i didn't i'd never heard of the word before you never heard of this no and then i was laughing at their at their sketches yeah of what a microaggression is because i thought it was a comedy video.

Speaker 2 But then at the end, they're like, don't do any of these. And I go, oh, fuck, this is what my life is based on.
Right? So then I realized that my comedy is based on microaggression.

Speaker 2 And for those of you who don't know, I'm going to just tell you

Speaker 2 the definition of it,

Speaker 2 if I may. Okay.

Speaker 2 Microaggression is a term used for brief and commonplace daily

Speaker 2 verbal or behavioral

Speaker 2 indignities, whether intentional or unintentional, that communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative, I just said that so Asian, derogatory,

Speaker 2 or negative attitudes towards stigmatized or culturally marginalized groups. That's a lot to digest.
Yeah, so I'll give you an example. Okay.
And this is what you shouldn't do. Okay.
If you see,

Speaker 2 if you're hanging out with your Mexican friend. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right? Yeah. And you go, hey, Pedro, or

Speaker 2 Jose, or Frank. Sure.
It could be Frank. It could be Frank.
It could be Frank. We don't know.
Okay.

Speaker 2 right and that's what my point is right it could be frank castilla romeres sancho right okay and what do you do so i go frankie i just want to let you know man you know i don't think you don't act mexican to me

Speaker 2 that right there is a micro is a microaggression right

Speaker 2 he go hey bro

Speaker 2 right yeah hey bro what you mean bro right yeah i go it's just that you don't know how to play an almariachi

Speaker 2 right bro you know what i mean Yeah. You know what I mean? I do rap, though, bro, or whatever it might be.

Speaker 2 I don't think, you know, that's a microaggression. Is it a microaggression if I go like, hey, Bobby? Yes.
There's a sushi place across the street. What's it like?

Speaker 2 Yes, that's a fucking microaggression. Why? But it looks like a good spot.
I know, but would you ask Andrew that? No, it's fucking redhead. I know.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't want his opinion because he has no good taste buds. Right.
Right. He likes boiled

Speaker 2 ham and boiled beef and cabbage. Right.
That's what his types of people like. But if there was a pizza place across the street, I'd be like, hey, Andrew, what's up with that pizza place, man?

Speaker 2 Right, exactly. Yeah, it's good.
It's delicious. Right.
I think I'll get a slice on the list. That is a microaggression, apparently.
It is, right? Yeah. But here's the thing, though.

Speaker 2 Are you of the mentality that, like, and I'm glad that we're getting into these microaggressions and putting it out there? Or are you like, this is fucking nonsense?

Speaker 2 No, what I'm trying to do is because this is, you know, they say about the pendulum swinging. Yes.
Right? It's swinging the other way, right?

Speaker 2 And so I'm just trying to adapt to a new world. And I'm going to tell you this right now.
I want to change. What do you want to change? I don't want to do no more microaggressions.

Speaker 2 You could do it to me. I like it.
You like the microaggressions?

Speaker 2 I love them. So, wait, do you like when you walk in the green room and they're like, don't, bong, bong? Like, all that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I do.
What? Yeah, I thought you just said, I love it.

Speaker 2 You know what I also love? I love, you know, I told you about that guy that I was on a flight, and some redneck comes up to me and he goes, he wanted, you could tell he wanted to talk to me.

Speaker 2 He didn't know how to bring it up. up so he just goes hey man i go what's up he goes my daughter

Speaker 2 she loves hello kitty

Speaker 2 that's all he said yeah just to bring up a you know i mean conversation yeah and but see as an ethnic person i know where he's coming from that he's trying right he's trying

Speaker 2 so for me the trying in itself you know

Speaker 3 to be fair the guy that created hello kitty you look strikingly like. That's the problem.

Speaker 2 That's a good question. Yeah, but why would I be in the middle seat of a Southwest Airline seat?

Speaker 3 Because you're just trying to save some money. Yeah, man.

Speaker 2 Not everyone knows. That guy sees, so his assumption is, man, that's group E.
That guy's got his group E. Hello Kitty guys.
Hello Kitty guys. Group E work Southwest like the rest of us.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He's a common man. You should have said, how'd you know it was me? Right.
How'd you know it was me? Oh, right, played along.

Speaker 2 No, wait, when he did that, because you at that point can go, what the fuck are you telling me that for, right? But what how do you? Well, I'm sure, I know, like, John Cho. Yeah.

Speaker 2 John Cho would have been like, hey, man, that's fucking crazy, what you just said.

Speaker 2 He would have said that, right?

Speaker 2 Because I know who John Cho is, right? My kid loves Hello Kitty. Yeah, yeah, but I would have been like, you know what I mean? What I was like was like, hey, man, that's cool.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think it's good stuff, too. You did.
Yeah. I love it too.

Speaker 2 And he was like, I'm just saying. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I know that, you know. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I could have gone like, yeah, you know what? When I was creating Hello Kitty, that would have been fun.
I was going to make him black

Speaker 2 at first, but I'm like, I don't know, man.

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Speaker 2 The next time a white person says says, like, any Asian reference as an opening to conversation, you should immediately act like whatever they reference is what you started. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Like, if somebody was like, hey, man, I love that crouching tiger hidden dragon. You'd be like, you know, when I was writing it, I didn't know what, where I was going to go with it.

Speaker 2 And then they'll be like, wait, you wrote that? You're like, oh, I thought that's why you said that. Yeah, yeah.
Or they say you meant my favorite food is Chinese, China food. What's so funny?

Speaker 2 You know, my name is PF. Yeah.
Right. And my family started it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I I started PF Chang's. He'll be like, what the fuck? Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you know that fucking beef that we do, the double beef? Yeah. You know, the double beef is like, you know, Chinese people usually cook it one time, right? But I was the one, right?

Speaker 2 Because I'm PF, right? Let's do it twice. Twice.
You know what I mean? And then, you know, you're just going to freak them. They'll be like, I'm sorry, man.

Speaker 2 This is my friend Johnny Chez Sanchez, right? He started the refried.

Speaker 2 They fried it one time, right? Johnny would tell him. And Johnny would be like, yeah, dude, we fried it twice.
And look, it's. What's the hottest Asian shit right now? I'm trying to think.

Speaker 2 What's like of

Speaker 2 in the last well, Crazy Rich Asians? That was about BLM.

Speaker 2 No, no, that's Black Lives Matter.

Speaker 2 What's the one called?

Speaker 2 BTF.

Speaker 2 You know, we talked about those

Speaker 2 pop groups. And then yesterday,

Speaker 2 I opened Twitter. You know, you go to the trending page.
Yeah. And it was that a pop star, they're like, oh, we saw his pack of cigarettes in his pocket.

Speaker 2 And that was a trend, worldwide trending topic. That is one of the pop singers is smokes.
Yeah, it's crazy.

Speaker 2 I didn't know the group or anything, but there's like a million tweets about this kid smoking.

Speaker 3 Well, that's the, he's the, that's the bad boy. That's the bad boys of the book.

Speaker 2 He's the bad boys. He's the bad boy.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, also, I want to announce, we talked about it before the show.

Speaker 3 Joe Biden said it on his Twitter. It's National Filipino Awareness Month.

Speaker 2 Oh, boy. Wow.
Well, congratulations there, Jules. Jules, yeah.
That's exciting. How do you feel about that, Jules?

Speaker 2 I don't know, cuz I'm not Filipino American.

Speaker 2 Oh, it only applies to the nine guys

Speaker 2 in America that are Filipino-American. You're not Filipino-American? No, but I'm from the U.S.
and I'm just staying here to study.

Speaker 2 You're from the U.S.? No, Philippines. Oh, okay.
Yeah. Why are you helling us right now? Because Tom Sugar's a big star? No.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she Googled you and she's your big star, so she gets really flustered. Yeah, yeah.
No. Yeah, don't get so nervous.
Everything's like, he's just like everyone else.

Speaker 2 Wait, you're just here studying? Yeah. Yeah.
How long are you going to study?

Speaker 2 I'm thinking about going to college here.

Speaker 2 What are you studying now?

Speaker 2 I'm in high school, senior, senior year. You're a senior in high school? All right.
Yeah. And so when

Speaker 2 we were talking about jerking off, you know, that was cool. Sorry about that.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Sorry, Jules? Yeah, sorry, Jules. How's high school going?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's comfortable now. Yeah, how is high school? She's doing good.
Wait, do you already say you have children in here all the time? She's our, she's, okay, so, you know, I'm dead.

Speaker 2 I'm, you know, I'm dating Kurosawa. Yes.
Yeah, and Curosawa is from the island of the Falapons. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 apparently they have families as well over there, like everyone else. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she has

Speaker 2 a sister. Her name is Honey.

Speaker 2 And Honey has a daughter. Happens to be her.
Okay. So she, yeah.
So that, so Kurosawa is

Speaker 2 your aunt. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So are you staying with them? She's been living with us since the pandemic. How horrible is that to live with him?

Speaker 2 It's okay.

Speaker 2 Well, okay, so that's great that you said that. That's the honest, that's an honest reaction.
Okay. So we're started there.
We started there. So let's get some of the

Speaker 2 specifics. Specifics out.
What is something that I do that you don't agree with?

Speaker 2 Maybe mostly everything.

Speaker 2 Okay, well, that's now an attack.

Speaker 2 What about the booger collection?

Speaker 3 What about the booger collection, Jules?

Speaker 2 What does it make you don't clean up?

Speaker 2 He puts boogers in my room, like at the side.

Speaker 2 And then I told him not to put it, and then he said, you can't tell me what to do.

Speaker 2 And he was serious. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Bobby, why are you torturing her like that? That's good. God, how is that?

Speaker 3 Tom, he's 49 years old, and he puts boogers

Speaker 2 on her sweetheart.

Speaker 2 Yeah, fuck you. Fuck you, all right? I'm sorry.
I apologize. But I just want to say this to defend myself.
I've never had a teenager in the house before.

Speaker 2 I didn't buy the book. Yeah.
There's no instructions. So I just don't know what to do.

Speaker 3 Bobby, there is no book, but if there was, it certainly would say don't put boogers on them.

Speaker 2 And if I read that in a manual of some sort, then I probably wouldn't. But at the time, it seems, I don't know what to talk to her about.
Right. So I'll walk into her room and I go, how's school?

Speaker 2 And she's like, it's okay.

Speaker 2 You getting good grades? It's fine. And I'll just go,

Speaker 2 I don't know what to do. I'll put a bucket on the wall.

Speaker 2 I mean, there's, you know.

Speaker 3 Why is that the solution? That doesn't seem like that. How do you get to that step?

Speaker 2 Why do you think that's a good thing? Because I just get uncomfortable because I don't know what to say and how to mold her, you know what I mean? Her mind, right? Because

Speaker 2 as a, I guess I'm a parental figure, right? I don't know how to, I've never took a class or anything, so it's like I go, I can't help her with schoolwork.

Speaker 2 She's like, you know, B equals minus 12B and pi equals the Bunsen burner. And I'll be like, that's way out of my pay grade.
Here's a booger.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Just to have some sort of interaction. How do you like the way? Is he a good partner to your aunt? Yeah,

Speaker 2 he makes her laugh. He makes her laugh.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 obviously

Speaker 2 a wonderful lover as well. Yeah, you've heard about that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, give it my rabbit style. Is that what you're saying? I was just making

Speaker 2 it.

Speaker 3 You know how girls are always like, I just want a guy who's funny.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 And then once they get the guy that's funny, they realize you also need other characteristics to like,

Speaker 2 she has, she's like, he's funny.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 No, I have other skill sets at stake. Yeah, what are they? Okay, I'm going to tell you.

Speaker 2 I'm funny. Yep.
You know, I'm also.

Speaker 3 That's the one we got covered.

Speaker 2 Okay, we got that covered. Here's another thing I do.
I don't have a problem with her.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't have a problem with her.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? There's nothing that she does that bothers me really.

Speaker 2 Kurosawa. Nothing bothers you about her.
Not really. You know what I mean? It's like I let things pass by.

Speaker 2 What's like a thing that could bother you, but you're like, I'll just, I'm not going to say anything.

Speaker 2 Well, she does, she thinks that I'm

Speaker 2 that I have

Speaker 2 she thinks that I'm not coordinated. Okay.

Speaker 2 But that's not really. So she'll say stuff like,

Speaker 2 be careful walking down the stairs.

Speaker 2 In my mind, I'm like, bitch, I've walked down so many fucking stairs. You don't even fucking know.
I'm a stair master, bitch. But you keep it your mouth.
I keep my mouth shut.

Speaker 2 And so then I'll walk down the stairs and, you know what I mean? And be careful. Yeah, right? To be very careful.

Speaker 3 What? Your weight, for some reason, your weight. You do lean forward when you walk.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 what do you weigh?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 He's top heavy. I'm top heavy.
I weigh about 175.

Speaker 2 That's it? Yeah, but 411.

Speaker 2 4. 4'11.
I'm 4'111. That's not good.

Speaker 2 175? Yeah. How much do you weigh?

Speaker 2 235 yeah yeah but you're tall how tall are you six eight yeah so there you go

Speaker 2 yeah but like so that's plus plus muscle you muscle weighs more than fat yeah right so she'll say stuff like don't play candy crush on the freeway

Speaker 2 and i'll be like that sounds like that she's supposed to say that that to me it doesn't though to me like it bothers you that she's calling i'll roll my eyes i'll go ooh and i'll put the fucking phone down right right there's just certain things like,

Speaker 2 oh, here's the thing.

Speaker 2 Hey, what's for dinner tonight? And she'll be like, I don't know. I was thinking about making salmon.
We had salmon last night.

Speaker 2 Right. And I'm a man that needs variety.
So you're like, hey, fuckhead. I'll just get the pizza.
And she goes, I'll go in my head. I'll be like, hey, I'll go, how about if I'll make a pizza?

Speaker 2 And she goes, your blood pressure.

Speaker 2 And I'll be, and I'll be like, I'll eat the fucking salmon in my mind, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 But in my mouth, I'll go, okay, we'll have salmon. Yeah.
So that, you know, it bothers me, but I don't like, but every, but if, you know, she had, she has so many problems with me, right? Yeah. Yes.

Speaker 2 What do you mean?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I mean, just how could you not?

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 3 what do you, you say it like it's like, can you believe she has so many problems? It's like, yeah, dude, it'd be fucking mind-bending if she was like, no, it's all good.

Speaker 2 He's super easy to live with.

Speaker 2 Wait, so, I mean, that seems right. But also, Jules, as a roommate for now, what, six, seven months or something? Yeah.
More?

Speaker 2 What are some things you think he could work on in addition to not wiping boogers on your wall?

Speaker 2 Maybe more responsible because he almost burned the house last week. Oh.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I was burned the house. More than once.
Yes. More than once.
How did you almost do it? In the kitchen? Burner? No. What?

Speaker 2 Well, as you know, I'm down to two cigarettes a day.

Speaker 2 That's something I was very well aware of. Yeah, so as you know, and that's a good thing,

Speaker 2 and I expect that. Thank you for starting with as you know.
As you know, and I want the people on Twitter to

Speaker 2 back me up on that and congratulate me. I think that's a big deal.
But sometimes I forget to

Speaker 2 put out the. This is a big boo-boo.
I know it is, and I'm admitting it right now, right? I'm admitting it right now.

Speaker 2 Were you sleeping with it? Like, was it one of those? No, no, I just go outside and I'll be like,

Speaker 2 I'll Google stuff and i'll go microaggressions yeah

Speaker 2 and just read about it i go that's crazy i do this all the time a bad person you know i mean and i'll just put the cigarette down i'll go inside yeah yeah instead of putting it out yeah so that's not a good thing another thing that i do is i pee in her favorite plant

Speaker 2 and whose favorite plant

Speaker 2 No, not yours. Anti Kalila's? Well, no, because there's a bush outside that she really likes.
And I don't give a fuck about no bushes. I've never been a bush fan, by the way.
I don't care about weeds.

Speaker 2 I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 3 You don't like any bushes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I like trees. You got to breathe.

Speaker 3 Right? But I'm not. I'm just a big bush.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I'm not like a fan of vines. When you can ask you this, when you reach back to the old country,

Speaker 2 when you're talking to the fam and they're like, what's going on? Are you like, we need to get Kalila out of here?

Speaker 2 Or do you go, we need to save her? Things like that? No. No, okay.
All right. Just making sure.
So anyway, there's a true. so she'll go she said um will you please look at me right in the eyes

Speaker 2 we have three bathrooms at home right just pee in the toilet right because you start pissing you you're pissing on that plant that i like and i go i know but i'm out here i don't want to go back in there so i'm smoking and i'm googling microaggressions and i do you have

Speaker 2 are you enclosed like are other people seeing you piss no i i i purposely put the shades down if i'm gonna do it shades right because i do it outside Okay.

Speaker 2 There's a bush outside, so I have a machine that does it. Okay.
So I'll go.

Speaker 2 Tom.

Speaker 3 Yeah. The mistake is, you're saying, do neighbors see you? Yeah.
Bobby just does that so no one inside his own home watches and piss in the bush.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't want them to catch me. But what about the neighbors? No, because I have like enclosements.
Enclosements. Yeah, so

Speaker 2 enclosements. Yeah, and so then I'll pee on the bush and then she'll go, what the fuck?

Speaker 2 And I'll turn around. I'll turn around.
I'll go, oh, fuck. Yeah, she puts up with a lot.
Yeah, yeah. She caught me again.
And I go, this is the last time.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but why? Why do you like people? I think you do that as an act of defiance.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I need to defy a little bit. That's my life.

Speaker 2 Why? Because that's been my whole life, is to defy against the rules. Because if you take away drugs and alcohol, which they have, you know what I mean, which I have.

Speaker 2 I've weeded drugs and alcohol out of my life, right?

Speaker 2 And then along with the pandemic, right? No weed? No. I'm in AA.
So I, you know, along with the pandemic, I can't leave the house really because we're really mindful about it. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 What is there left to do? Pee on the bush. Oh, that feels good.
Yeah, I hate it. Pee on the fucking bush.
There's nothing else to do. That feels good.
That feels good to me.

Speaker 2 It's like I'm going, yeah, I got this. Actually, that makes more sense.
Thank you so much. That makes more sense.
And so pee, they don't even know this. I'm going to admit something.

Speaker 2 And I have to clean it up.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 if you look in the garage,

Speaker 2 there's a lot of like, I drink creation

Speaker 2 juice. Creation juice? Yeah, it's like it's a company called Creation Juice.

Speaker 3 It's a juicery that makes, and they're like $13 to $15 for a bottle of fresh, fresh juice.

Speaker 2 So I get fresh, pressed juice during the day, and I'll get like five or six bottles. And I'll be playing video games.
I'll just down a fucking creation juice.

Speaker 3 He's spending $350 a day on juice.

Speaker 2 No, no, no.

Speaker 2 I swear to God.

Speaker 2 So I'll drink it, and then I'll be playing Warzone. I'll play Ground Ward, so you're like, you know, in the battle for 45 minutes.

Speaker 2 And it's not less, you can't just press pause in it because it's live. Yeah.
So I'll have an empty creation juice and I'll just go, fuck it, and I'll just pee in it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right. I'll go, fuck it.
I'm not going. Right.
I'll pee in it. And I'll throw it away later.
But then I forget. Right.
And the next thing you know, you have 15 bottles of pea juice.

Speaker 2 Look at her face. Yeah, she doesn't look like.
She doesn't look happy. No.
Yeah. Yeah.
I mean, this is, again, you're like, this is what my aunt.

Speaker 2 Which, you know, this doesn't come out until a couple days, so I'm going to have to go tonight and throw away all those bottles. You got to throw those away.
You got to.

Speaker 2 So you don't do anything like that at home? Well, no one pees in bottles. Nobody pees in bottles.
I peed in a bottle in a car

Speaker 2 in a road trip.

Speaker 3 Yeah, like a grown-up.

Speaker 2 Not at the house.

Speaker 2 You've never done it. I've never peed in a bottle in my house.

Speaker 2 And that's my bad. I haven't pissed in the backyard before.
There we go. There we go.
That's That's another thing we have in common. I've done that.
That feels good. Have you done that?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I pee in my backyard. Yes, I pee in my backyard.

Speaker 2 There you go. Well, I don't feel bad for peeing on the plant.
Yeah, but

Speaker 3 I don't get yelled at for peeing on stuff.

Speaker 2 It's a different thing, though. Like, if, Andrew, if your wife was like, hey, there's this one spot, though, I really appreciate you not pissing here.

Speaker 2 And then you go, well, that's where I'm going to piss every time.

Speaker 2 That is weird. Yeah.
Yeah, I think about it. That's weird.
What else do I do?

Speaker 2 Other than that,

Speaker 2 well, I invite ants. Ants? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I have a drawer. I have a drawer

Speaker 2 of ants. Why do you have a drawer of ants? Because

Speaker 2 at 3 and 4 in the morning, I need my snacks. Oh.
Yeah, so I have some flowers. What time do you go to bed? 6 in the morning.
So I have my sunflowers to eat. And you sleep until...

Speaker 3 Tom, he goes to bed at 6 a.m.

Speaker 3 And then he's up 30 minutes before we shoot this show.

Speaker 3 About 3.34 3.34 p.m.

Speaker 2 This is wild, dude. It's great.
It's great. It's America.

Speaker 2 It's American life. It's American life.
It's American choice.

Speaker 2 It's called freedom.

Speaker 2 Does she mimic your sleep schedule? No. No.
She's already... Like this morning, well, this afternoon, I woke up, and

Speaker 2 I go, oh, I always stretch my arms out, right? Because they're in pain.

Speaker 2 Because I sleep like this. You know what I mean? So I'll go, ah, you know,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? My bones, like, you know what I mean? disconnecting and stuff.

Speaker 2 And then I'll look over to see Kalila and she's gone. Yeah.
And then she's already like, she has her yoga. She's shit on her.
She's done things. She's done a lot of things.

Speaker 2 And went to the grocery, went to the beach. It must be crazy, though, for you on a job to go from this schedule to they're like, all right, call time is 5.30.
And are you just like,

Speaker 2 I don't sleep. Really? Yeah.
And you work the whole day like

Speaker 2 the last job, when I was in Hawaii, I was on Magnum PI. I was in every single scene, right?

Speaker 2 The whole week.

Speaker 2 I was the first one they picked up, the last one they dropped off. I didn't sleep for five days.

Speaker 2 By the fifth day, I was just like,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? Like, I couldn't say a word. I was so tired.

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Speaker 2 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 3 Tom, you saw those episodes of Magnum PI that you did. They were so good.

Speaker 2 Those are actually

Speaker 2 fuck you. Those are so.

Speaker 3 No, I'm being serious. Tom and I talked about it.
He goes, dude, he texted me and he goes, dude, I didn't know Bobby was in Magnum PI. And I said, yeah.
And he goes, he's fucking killing it.

Speaker 3 And I was like, I know.

Speaker 2 who said that I said it

Speaker 2 who do I play on it

Speaker 2 play Kevin

Speaker 2 is that not the right name no no that's not what is it yeah if you were even remotely close I would have given you it Kelvin Kelvin no I don't play Kelvin who do you play just Jin Jin yeah yeah completely different Jin like not even this not even the ballpark Jin like that sounds like a that sounds like a microaggression

Speaker 2 what it's not that sounds like a microaggression That's a microaggression, yeah.

Speaker 3 Calling you Jin.

Speaker 3 Your name should have been Kevin. Less racist.
But Jin, oh, here comes a Jin.

Speaker 2 Very racist. Yeah, I don't have an accent in it.
No, that's everyone else. Oh, here comes a gin.
You do that. What?

Speaker 2 No? Well, before every line I do, but not

Speaker 2 doing an American accent. I go, you go, oh, what's up, Madden?

Speaker 2 Dude, this is a great character. Yeah, it's a good choice.
It's a choice. That is a good choice.
It's an acting choice.

Speaker 2 What's going on here, guys? Is that your grandfather behind you? No, that's me. See, that's not a microaggression.
No, it looks like your grandfather.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, that's me. Yeah, but you realize that I'm right when I say that.
Does that look like Andrew's grandfather? Let me see.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it does. Yeah.
Is that your grandfather?

Speaker 3 Yeah, it's my granddad.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's cool. He looks just like you.

Speaker 3 Do you want to talk about movement, Tom?

Speaker 2 It's not a done deal or anything, you know?

Speaker 3 We're just like very Bobby, Bobby, Bobby was worried. Bobby said, why is everyone moving Bobby

Speaker 2 I'm worried that everyone is moving yeah

Speaker 2 okay because I think I gotta put a stop to it

Speaker 2 you know I just there's everyone

Speaker 2 I don't know anybody that's not except for this fuck right and Sebastian Monascalco they might leave too

Speaker 2 and now he's talking about hey maybe Denver Denver's awesome yeah I love Denver

Speaker 2 I love Denver too yeah but I just fucking bought a house I can't move yet why

Speaker 2 But I like where I live. Okay, that's fair.
I know, but I don't want everyone to move. But now you need to.

Speaker 2 I was looking at houses in Austin. And there's a couple I like.
There you go.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 if I go there, I don't know what to do because, you know, here's the thing. It takes me, I'm like an animal.
You know, I'm like a snow leopard. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I have to memorize everything. Would Kalila move? I don't think she wants to either because her family's here.
Her whole family's here?

Speaker 2 Yeah, her sister and her mom and stuff. You know what I mean? That's her family.
They all live in L.A., though. They live in L.A.
and it's like, you know, it's like,

Speaker 2 and my friends are moving. You know, I don't know Joe.

Speaker 2 I love Joe Rogan. I think it's his fault, though.

Speaker 2 No, I don't really think so because this exodus, I mean, you know, you can point to him, but there's a huge exodus outside of like our world, you know what I mean? New York and LA specifically.

Speaker 2 Okay, let me ask you something. What are the benefits? Well, there's a couple of big ones.
Tell me. Like, you want specifically Austin? No, just, yeah, to tell me Austin and tell me why.

Speaker 2 What are the benefits of moving out of LA? Well, okay, so one,

Speaker 2 I mean, that's a big one, obviously. There's zero state income tax.
Oh. Whereas in California, we have the highest state income tax in the nation.

Speaker 2 Not only that, we are now in a big deficit because of COVID. And more than likely, when this new proposal hits the floor, they'll raise the highest rate to a new highest rate.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 2 They'll have three tiers of tax rate on them. Okay.

Speaker 2 Then there's other things like lifestyle, right?

Speaker 2 So some people, you know, like you can love wherever you live, but like in, let's say, if you were going to Austin, you would more than likely, if you looked at those houses, have like bigger yards, maybe a bigger house, newer things like that.

Speaker 2 That's true. Less congestion, a little less people.
But a city like that has, it offers a lot, right? I mean, they have huge music scene, great restaurants. And they're groovy whites.

Speaker 2 They're groovy whites. Yeah.
As somebody that tours a lot, it's definitely a lot easier to tour from the middle of the country than the southwest corner. That's a good point.

Speaker 2 You know, I mean, look, but the thing about cities is it's a feel thing. You got to go and like you spend time, you know, in Denver or Nashville or wherever you might go.

Speaker 2 And it's a thing that you have to feel like you want to live there.

Speaker 3 there like like Bobby like Bobby said he was thinking about Portland and

Speaker 2 you know Portland might be right for you Bobby I feel like the very a very strong Bob vibes when I'm in Portland I'll tell you the reason why Portland is not aside from like the the radicals the radical things that you were saying you know what was I saying I was talking about how they've been protesting for like 117 days straight I just like in terms of weather I like it and it's the one of the worst weather one of the worst weather cities in the United States

Speaker 2 I like the moody look like the rain I like trees what about Seattle

Speaker 2 that too that would be a success as well no state income tax no state income tax at Seattle right that's right but I'll tell you the benefits of LA okay okay for me Koreatown big big benefit yeah Koreatown I lived there yeah Koreatown first of all we had Korean food last night how good was it it makes me cry it was so good how good Really good really good do you like Korean food yeah yeah more than Filipino food um maybe equal equal wow wow see thank you so koreatown first of all where am i going to go to a spa

Speaker 2 you don't think that like oh so you think that austin has a 24-hour spa with old korean men washing my back no

Speaker 2 i need that but you need i need old korean men washing my you need that specifically yeah yeah yeah i need korean

Speaker 2 how you doing bob You know what I mean? I need that, right?

Speaker 2 I need

Speaker 2 there's definitely some good Korean food. So I need 24-hour Korean spa.
Okay. I need Korean food 24-7.
I can get Korean food 24-7. 24-7 you can get? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 I can go to Hauderi. That's a 24-hour, you know what I mean?

Speaker 3 Why don't you go to the original Korea town and go to Seoul? Why don't you just move to Seoul?

Speaker 2 That place has so much Korean shit. It does? Yeah.
I've heard.

Speaker 2 I've heard. I've heard.

Speaker 3 Good things. So why don't you move there?

Speaker 2 Because I don't know anybody there, all right? Why don't you step over?

Speaker 2 Secondly,

Speaker 2 let me finish, okay? Why don't you step over the the DNZ and go to the north and see what's going on over there? Yeah,

Speaker 2 all right. So, here's a third thing, all right.
Aside from um, Korean shit, all right,

Speaker 2 um,

Speaker 2 I know right now you guys are reacting to the moment, which you should never do, right? People react to the moment. Oh man, the moment's crazy.

Speaker 2 Comedy clubs aren't fucking up and grunting and whatnot, right? This is your case. But they will, right, right? Inevitably, they will, right?

Speaker 3 Bobby's just mad

Speaker 3 that everyone is leaving LA and he's building up this defense mechanism, which is talking shit about everyone moving because he's sad that everyone's leaving.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I understand that. That makes sense.
That makes sense to me, you know?

Speaker 3 Because he doesn't want to be in his little booger castle all alone.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 3 He wants other people to still be in the city.

Speaker 2 Well, change is scary and it's uncomfortable. It's so scary.
Yeah. I'm so scared about it.

Speaker 3 Do you want to tell Tom that you guys adopted a baby? You guys adopted a little child? What?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Tell Tom.
You've got to be terrible at this.

Speaker 2 Natron Williams. Natron Williams.

Speaker 2 And we got it. You got it.

Speaker 3 Natron Williams. He's a second-year senior at Alabama.
Yep.

Speaker 3 And they adopted him. We adopted him.

Speaker 2 That's really cool. He's living in the attic.
Of your place?

Speaker 2 I don't have one.

Speaker 2 Somebody's.

Speaker 2 That's your son. Yeah, yeah.
Natron Williams is my son. Do you think you'd be do you want to be a dad?

Speaker 2 Bro, I would coddle that thing fucking for days on end. Yeah.
I would mold and create life.

Speaker 2 I would shape its mind to be unpenetrable. I would teach it.

Speaker 3 Don't say unpenetrable when you talk about your kid. It's such a weird word.

Speaker 2 He won't be.

Speaker 2 Will you tell me another dad's story? So what do you mean? You told me great stories about your dad. Oh, my dad's what a beautiful dad I had.

Speaker 2 Now, did you ever, when your dad would say things, did you ever talk back? Or did you learn? Oh, yeah, yeah. If you looked at my dad in a funny way, he would hit you in the face.
Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 You'd say, you looked at me weird, right? Yeah. And I'd go, I just looked at.

Speaker 2 And you would cry. And sometimes he would chase you down the hallway.
Stop looking at me like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, you know, I lived in, uh, or then you would like, your dad would, my dad would come home, right?

Speaker 2 I'd be sleeping on my bed, my dad would come home, and I could hear him park his car, and then he would open up the garage. So my garage,

Speaker 2 this is the garage door. Then it was my bedroom, Steve's bedroom, right? Then a guest room, and then my parents' room at the end of the hallway.

Speaker 2 You would hear the door open, you could hear him do a fucking sprint.

Speaker 2 Right? And run. Every night he would do that.
Why would he sprint? Because

Speaker 2 that part of the fucking hallway was haunted.

Speaker 2 So you're sprinting through it. My brother got possessed.
My brother got possessed. I got possessed once.
I had to go in the swimming pool to get unpossessed. Okay.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 What? What is my brother? What are you talking about? Okay.

Speaker 3 What do you mean you had to go in the swimming pool to get unpossessed?

Speaker 2 Can we call him? Can we call him? Yeah, no, no. My brother was on last week.
Now check it out, okay? And we've talked about this before.

Speaker 2 We believe that on our side of the house, we lived on an Indian, because the town was called Poway. We lived on an Indian burial ground.
Oh, Poway High School. Yeah.
Yeah, no, some famous alums.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And that's called a callback. All right.
And that's why you're good. And that's why you're the best in the game.
Thanks. And that's why you're great in countdown.
Appreciate it.

Speaker 2 All right. Yes.
So then we lived in, so my brother, right,

Speaker 2 his eyes rolled back one time. And he started convulsing.
And my aunt and my uncle and my dad had to hold my brother down. And he was convulsing, right?

Speaker 2 Because they thought that he was being possessed by

Speaker 2 native spirits. So one day, I'm taking a nap, right? And I can't move my body.
Like, something's holding me down.

Speaker 2 Why are you smiling? I'm just, I'm waiting. No, that's, fuck you, man.
And that's why I, that's why, fuck you, man. That's why I have a hard time, Andrew.

Speaker 2 Look at, he's not even fucking paying attention. He's tweeting.

Speaker 3 I'm reading about Powwe High School.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So something's holding me down, right? And I go,

Speaker 2 I go, I can't get up.

Speaker 2 Wait, why'd you have an accent for that? Because that's my inner voice. Okay, okay.
I wouldn't say that out loud. I can't get up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't get up.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 I cannot do it. Right? Or whatever, right?

Speaker 3 Yeah, he has an accent. His subconscious has an accent.

Speaker 2 Yeah, right. And I go,

Speaker 2 and I fought it, right? Yeah. And I didn't know what to do.
So I just run, right,

Speaker 2 into the laundry room, outside the door, and i jump in the winter cooled swimming pool

Speaker 2 and in this with all my clothes on yeah on and i get to the surface and the possession was gone right so we made the mistake of telling my dad this oh boy the two incidents so for since we lived in that house he would run through our part of the house i mean what did he think when you told him the stories he goes no that's in your mind yeah that's not real right

Speaker 2 oh no no no no that no ghost here expensive house. Right?

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 But then he would park and run. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. That's fucking sabotage for sure.
Yeah. Yeah.
So, you know, I didn't have a lot of...

Speaker 2 Did I tell you about... So here's the thing.

Speaker 2 When my dad died, I don't know about my family. So when my dad, I was in the room when my dad died.

Speaker 2 Right? Did he have a prolonged health issue? Yeah, he had

Speaker 2 stroke. I don't know.
I'm asking. I just told you.

Speaker 2 well you said it like hey dickhead how'd you not know no i told you no you asked me okay all right no no no stop all right i hate when white dudes do this wait whoa whoa what is it what i get it a lot but um

Speaker 2 i hate it when people do this when they when you ask me to stop when you ask me a question and i answer you accordingly

Speaker 2 and then you go and then you do some sort of defense i apologize you're welcome he had a stroke right and then how long was he but this is something that i remember okay So the nurse goes, or the hospice nurse goes, any moment now,

Speaker 2 he's going to die.

Speaker 2 What's so funny? What's so funny?

Speaker 2 What's so funny?

Speaker 3 Just the idea of just a nurse going, any moment now.

Speaker 2 I don't know how that's funny.

Speaker 2 It's going to happen. Yeah, yeah.
Are you guys ready? Yeah, she goes, at any moment.

Speaker 3 And one and a two and a ching chong potato.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 So then my mom goes, Carl, Carl, Uncle Han. My dad's brother.
So my dad's brother left San Diego, right?

Speaker 2 To drive to Phoenix. That's where the hospice hospital is, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he's not there yet. So my mom goes, call him, right? So I call, I go, where are you? He goes, He died.

Speaker 2 My uncle goes, he dead? I go, no, but he's going to die.

Speaker 2 And he my uncle goes don't let him die yet hold on right and he hung up the phone and i i didn't know what to do so i looked at my dad i go can you dad don't die yet

Speaker 2 is that a weird yeah yeah but i get that 15 minutes your uncle's almost here yeah yeah yeah my uncle shows up my uncle hans shows up my dad's already dead

Speaker 2 right My uncle, I go, dude, he died. Right? My uncle walks in the room.
He looks at my dad's body.

Speaker 2 he goes okay okay okay he gets back in the car and he drives back to San Diego that's it he didn't say anything else

Speaker 2 I would have gone you could have just stayed home yeah well is this dong young's what is this dong young's how you remember dong young well how would I forget dong young no I have I have um

Speaker 2 nine uncles and aunts what yeah yeah

Speaker 2 don't young is just a part of it okay yeah yeah but yeah so that's so this guy was just like okay and then turned around got in his car and drove away yeah he could have done that or just stayed home.

Speaker 2 Well, he could have been like,

Speaker 2 you know, do you guys want me to stay? No, he didn't do that. Nothing.
No.

Speaker 2 And he didn't cry.

Speaker 3 Did you guys have a funeral procession so people could look at him?

Speaker 2 No. No.
Anything? No, we went.

Speaker 2 Well, then my mom goes,

Speaker 2 do a selfie. Do what? Selfie?

Speaker 2 I have them on my phone if you want to see them. They're tragic.

Speaker 2 She wanted a selfie with the family. No,

Speaker 2 she did this one.

Speaker 2 So my dad's dead, right? And my brother and I. And she get in, get it, right? And she did this.
And I was just like, you know what I mean? And she goes, it's not working.

Speaker 2 I know, because I go, it's weird that you want a selfie. She goes, dude, the timer.

Speaker 2 I go, what timer? On your phone. Time, time, time.
So I did the timer. So I set it up.
Yeah. Right.
And I had to run around my dad's body. Yeah.
Right. And then do a photo, right?

Speaker 2 And we had to do it like three or four times because it clicked too early.

Speaker 2 So it has my mid-body. They got my mid-body into the.
And she wanted this moment. She wanted the moment.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, and in order for them to get his pension plan, they needed to do a series of setup shots. So they did a Christmas photo.

Speaker 2 They had

Speaker 3 Easter photos. This was all for

Speaker 2 proof of citizenship. I don't know.
Yes. But my mistake was I sent the photos immediately to the Hudsons,

Speaker 2 Kate and Oliver Hudson. Why? Because at the time, Oliver and I were on a show together.
And so I just wanted to show him that my dad died. And I know, exactly.
That was the wrong move.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what he said. Because

Speaker 2 Kate and Oliver,

Speaker 2 Oliver goes, dude,

Speaker 2 dad's not really dead in the photo, right?

Speaker 2 And I go, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 He goes, you don't send that to people. He told you.
Yeah, and now Kate's disturbed. Of course.
Yeah, and I go, oh, that's my bad. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That was definitely weird. But also.
Yeah. You want to see him? Well, no, no.

Speaker 2 I really feel like that's one of the times when white people get to go like, you know, they're fucking, you know, they're different. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 This is probably what they do.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they're like, yeah, let's not be judgmental.
Yeah. Can I just show you a photo? Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, God.

Speaker 2 You've seen them?

Speaker 2 Yes, Bobby. Yeah, yeah.
Would it horrify you? No, it won't. I actually really liked your guy's song that you came up with afterwards.

Speaker 3 Yeah, Daddy Why You You Die.

Speaker 2 Daddy Why You Die. Thank you.
That was really. Is that on iTunes?

Speaker 3 It should be.

Speaker 2 You could really make some money on that. You think so? Oh, yeah.
That's just a banger, dude.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 We actually want to do a remix with Vin Diesel

Speaker 3 to Daddy Why You Die.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I bet he would.

Speaker 3 Yeah, we're out to his publicist to see if he will.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's really sad, man. Yeah.
And who is this? My brother. That's your brother? And that's mom?

Speaker 2 He's just passed here? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's very sad, man. Thanks for showing me.

Speaker 2 I can't see. I can't deal with real shit.
Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 You have very...

Speaker 2 You have like high-level comedic wiring. That's like a lot of comedians.

Speaker 2 Yeah, my therapist even is confused. She's just constantly writing notes.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it's like, she goes,

Speaker 2 I've never, she goes, in all my history of being a therapist, and I and I am a therapist for a lot of comics and a lot of actors and directors and whatnot in the business.

Speaker 2 I've never even witnessed anything like that before, the way you think and the way you behave. I go, there's no technical term for what that is.

Speaker 2 And I go,

Speaker 2 is there no hope for me, Doc?

Speaker 2 And she goes, we'll figure it out.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 3 But you know what that means? No.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 those types of real things make you uncomfortable. I hate it.
It's like, you know, last night.

Speaker 2 But you also had kind of a traumatic upbringing, man. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, even when, like, Kalila says something real,

Speaker 2 that's her name, not Kurosawa. Let's just get that out of the way.
I didn't know that. Thanks for telling me.

Speaker 3 Let's get that out of the way an hour and a half into us saying Kurosawa.

Speaker 2 Kalila, does your wife, Christine?

Speaker 2 What's her name? That's good. Yeah.
That's her name, right? Yeah. Christina.
Right. Provinskis.
Provinskis. Right.

Speaker 2 So does your wife ever do this?

Speaker 2 I really have an issue. And then you go, what? Yeah, of course.
And then she goes, she tells you what it is. Yeah.
And it's really deep and emotional, right?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 it's a big problem.

Speaker 2 And my body just gets all tingly.

Speaker 2 So I just feel my body go,

Speaker 2 right? And like goosebumps, right? And my mind gets hyper-focused. Yep.
Like, this, you got to, you know what I mean? And it's almost like an out-of-body experience. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I just can't believe, you know what I mean? It's so real. Yeah.
Right. Do you ever get that? Yes.
Yeah. I think part of that, though, is the fact that like guys,

Speaker 2 we don't communicate on that level. Like if you hung out with just guys like in college or at the comedy, like no guy's going to like come at you.
Like guys just don't. But women do.

Speaker 2 Women do communicate on that level. Yeah.
It's like I was never taught that. You know what I mean? It's like like, I was never taught like

Speaker 2 real emotion. Even if a guy came up, like if Andrew, Andrew's never come up to me and goes, hey, can I just,

Speaker 2 you know, can I tell you something, bud? I go, what, you freak, you red-headed freak of nature. I'll say that, right? Yeah.
And he'll go, don't call me that, man. That's what hurts me.

Speaker 2 It hurts my feelings. I go, you're a fucking albino freak.
You should kill yourself or whatever it might be, right? It's very cool.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but yeah, but that would never, like, we would never have that kind of emotional conversation.

Speaker 3 There's times there's times when I try to get real with you and you don't know how to fucking handle it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 No, I say if I say to you, I'm being serious, Bob, like it really, it upsets me or I'm, I'm, it's, I'm not okay with it. And then you just are like, okay, okay,

Speaker 2 you don't know how to use it. I don't know how to do it.
You're right. And, you know, and I'm glad we're talking about it now.
Right? I think we should get it out of the way.

Speaker 2 Is there something that's bothering you about him right now?

Speaker 3 No.

Speaker 3 Well, in this very moment, no, because he's been a good boy.

Speaker 2 So I've been very happy.

Speaker 2 I think the real question is, like, Jules, what do you think, Bobby?

Speaker 2 What do you want to tell him?

Speaker 2 I think Bobby should

Speaker 2 be more

Speaker 2 active and participate more in the family.

Speaker 2 There goes those feelings.

Speaker 2 This is the thing that she was saying. It's like, I don't wake up, right?

Speaker 2 And I don't go,

Speaker 2 hey guys, I have a plan today.

Speaker 2 Right. And they're like, what is it?

Speaker 2 Messiah? A master or whatever? Right.

Speaker 2 And I'll go, let's go to the beach.

Speaker 2 I have it all planned out. You just roll with the flow.
Right. I wake up and people just tell me, we're going to the beach.
And I'll go,

Speaker 2 come on,

Speaker 2 but you will go. I do go.
Yeah. You know, what was two weeks ago, what was it? We got to go to a baby seance.
How could could he be a baby?

Speaker 2 What was that thing we went to? Baby shower? No, it's the first birthday of

Speaker 2 whatever it is. You know what I mean? You mean a birthday?

Speaker 3 A baby seance?

Speaker 2 I don't know what it was.

Speaker 2 Some sort of cultural event. How do you think he could participate more? Would one thing be like getting up at a more reasonable hour? Yeah, and like

Speaker 2 he never went to the beach with us. He doesn't like to go.
Did I not go to the fucking, you fucking ungrateful little

Speaker 2 lady? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey my bad

Speaker 2 i apologize but did i not right you know i mean did i not listen to me little one

Speaker 2 what about that one time we went to the beach and we got the mexican food we just went there and watched beach and um ate mexican food we didn't swim Oh, so you want me to go out in the cold water and swim against the current.

Speaker 2 I'm with you, Jules. And the tide.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I'll do that. And I'm going to say this to you, little one, right?

Speaker 2 Who was the guy? Were you here when we went to Hawaii and Kalila was like, we're swimming with sharks today? Right? And I go, you know what? But I wasn't there. It doesn't matter.
It happened.

Speaker 2 And I was the one that was like, you know what? I'm going to get involved. I will swim with the sharks no matter what happens, if I die or not.

Speaker 2 By the way, you have to watch a Netflix show called The Octopus Teacher. Oh, wait, wait, oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I saw the trailer. But what else could he do?

Speaker 2 What else could he do to get more involved?

Speaker 2 I feel like he's always in a bad mood. Bobby.
It feels good, huh? It feels good? Well, hold up, Red. It feels good? Okay.
You know what? I'm going to say this to you, all right?

Speaker 2 To stop. All right?

Speaker 2 Number one,

Speaker 2 you are always welcome to live in my house as long as you want. All right.
I love you like you're a family member.

Speaker 2 Even if Khalil and I, if for some circumstance, we break up right i've already i've already told you this that for the rest of your life you can always ask and ask things of me and i will be there for you right

Speaker 2 and and i will always be there for you okay

Speaker 2 and um

Speaker 2 you very impactful for my life and i really do i love you

Speaker 2 And I know that you just betrayed me right now in front of the podcast audience. And I know that that's your nature, right?

Speaker 2 But you know that my heart is in the right place. So you have to do some self-inventory, my friend, right? And some analysis, okay?

Speaker 2 And analyze where you're coming from, lady. Because it's an ungrateful attitude that's going to get you at the end.

Speaker 2 Okay?

Speaker 2 That was a real moment, Bobby. Thank you.
Good job. You're welcome.
What, Andy?

Speaker 2 Anybody worth noting that went to PewDiePie High? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, no, this is something about Powwe. Powwe, there is a

Speaker 3 Ghosts of America site, and Powwe is on here multiple times. And somebody's, what's the name of the street that you lived on, Bobby?

Speaker 2 I don't remember. Ranch Hollow Road.

Speaker 3 Ranch?

Speaker 2 Ranch Hollow Road. Yes.

Speaker 3 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 Shut up. There's nothing on Ranch Hollow Road there.

Speaker 3 I would like to know the history behind Poway Creek. I moved to Powwe in October of 96.
I've been here since eighth grade middle school.

Speaker 3 My parents moved to a new house in the Shea Holmes district of Ranch Hollow Creek. I have noticed that my parents' house is indeed haunted.
When I stay there overnight, I get chills.

Speaker 3 I walk outside to have a cigarette. I witness strange sounds before I go to bed.
One night while using my computer, I heard a rattling sound on my desk as if someone was throwing chains onto it.

Speaker 3 The doors will open and close. And the only way for me to seek relief is to dip inside of the old Poway Creek.

Speaker 2 Yep, that's exactly it.

Speaker 2 I wrote that, didn't I?

Speaker 3 No, this is real.

Speaker 2 I know it is.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 I don't know where you're getting that from,

Speaker 2 but you know what? If it's a real

Speaker 3 Ghost of of America site, I believe it.

Speaker 3 And the girl said,

Speaker 3 I knew that natives had dwelt along old Powwe Creek before the houses were even built. I also know the neighborhood has shifted over the years.

Speaker 3 Many dirty little Asian people have moved on to my parents' street, and they've ruined the neighborhood and the community significantly.

Speaker 3 Perhaps it's some of their old, gross, dirty ancestors that are mucking up the town.

Speaker 2 That sounds so dead on. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 Ghosts of America.

Speaker 2 That sounds crazy, dude.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Ghosts of America. Tommy, I want to say this from the bottom of my heart.
You know, I know I did your podcast, which is a very successful one. Probably one of the best in the world.

Speaker 2 And I really appreciate the help. In fact, you did your podcast, I think, before I did Tiger Belly.
How long have you been around? Doing podcasts? Yeah. About ten years.
Okay, so you were.

Speaker 2 You're one of the forefathers. And I appreciate that you paved the r road for us.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Thanks, man. I'm being real.
Oh, really? Yeah. Okay.
Thank you. And I've I've reiterated, I don't remember jumping on your back.

Speaker 2 I do remember the one time that I did meet you when we did the oddbod tool and what you did for me.

Speaker 2 That really says a lot about your heart. And I know that you were like three or four hours late to this podcast.
We waited here forever. I know.

Speaker 2 I know you did. I wasn't three or four hours late.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 2 you probably wouldn't do that if it was anybody. Like Rick Hassman's one, you'd probably be there.
I forgot, and I was up front, and I admitted it. I appreciate it.
And I got here faster.

Speaker 2 Even though me and Andrew are headliners headliners and we have some weight in the business as well. Yes, you do.
And I did yours. I was on time.
You were on time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I really, I honestly,

Speaker 2 all jokes aside. Yes.
All jokes aside. Go fuck yourself.
No, I'm kidding. All jokes aside.
I really,

Speaker 2 all jokes aside, I honestly like when we were, because, you know, when he's in Beirut doing the movie and I didn't know what to do, we had my brother on last week, and it's like, who do we get?

Speaker 2 And it's like, we threw out a thousand names, and you were at the top of the fucking list. And I literally went, there's no way we're going to be able to get them.

Speaker 2 You came through for us, you're here, right? I honestly, um, I know I'm a fucked-up guy, and I have

Speaker 2 I just need a lot of help

Speaker 2 peeing on things and setting things on fire. I just have a lot, I have a lot of things, you know, I have a lot of problems, but I'm a damaged guy, but I'm trying to get better.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I really hope that the rest of my life that you'll be in it, even though you'll, you know, move away and whatnot.

Speaker 2 I honestly think,

Speaker 2 you know, like Bert was here,

Speaker 2 but I think that you're ahead now.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 2 I would think that that was already

Speaker 2 a thing for you.

Speaker 2 I mean, Bert did put me on his TV show. He did? Oh, yeah.
The one that we're on, the log cabin. Oh, yeah, yeah, the cabin.
The cabin. That'll be good.

Speaker 3 Oh, dude, I loved loved it. I had so much fun doing that, too.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what did you guys do? What did you do? What did you guys do in your episode?

Speaker 3 Burt and I, Burt called me, goes, bro, you're so funny. I can put you in the woods with me in this cabin and we can just have a great time.
And I said, absolutely. And I went up there, dude.

Speaker 3 We went water skiing,

Speaker 3 kayaking. We went fly fishing.

Speaker 3 So

Speaker 3 I don't know. I just hope it stays in the final cut.
I'm sure it will.

Speaker 2 I mean, that sounds like a lot of activities. I'm sure they'll keep one in.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's odd, though.

Speaker 2 It's odd, though, because the lineup of it were like real credible people. It's odd that he would like have,

Speaker 2 would go underneath that and go,

Speaker 2 let's get like underneath people. Whoa.
To do one. Jesus.
It's just because if you look at the lineup of it, it's like. Headliner, headliner.
Credible, credible. You know what I mean? Talent, talent.

Speaker 2 And then he went, let's go open my kind of with it. And let's do one with Andrew.
So it's odd that Netflix would check that off and whatnot. But

Speaker 2 congratulations that you were in it.

Speaker 3 Yeah, what is it called again?

Speaker 2 The cabin? Yeah, the cabin. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's got Tom Hardy, Tom Hanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The rocks in it. The rocks in it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 There are some very

Speaker 3 there's some really, there's some really credible comedians on there. Kaylee Cuoco, everyone knows she's a great touring headliner.
Love to see her in there. There we go.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 3 Patty

Speaker 3 Negri,

Speaker 3 who's that?

Speaker 2 Huge, huge Vegas act. Yeah.

Speaker 3 Vegas act. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's the pre-opener for a caratop. Yep.

Speaker 3 Caitlin Jenner, she crushes.

Speaker 2 Love to see her. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 And Joelle Michaley.

Speaker 2 Joelle Michelle. Very funny.
Very talented. Very funny.

Speaker 2 Very funny. Yeah.
She was a supervisor for the West Wing. Yep.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Well, look, I'm glad that I made the final cut.

Speaker 2 You're going to love your episode.

Speaker 2 You know, your little bitch thing that you just did right that oh I'm not in it oh why not how about this fucknut all right they're doing a showtime right documentary on showtime about the comedy store yeah I've been there for 22 years if you look at the poster I'm not on the poster why not I don't know why

Speaker 2 who is who he is he's on the poster he's in there with Richard Pryor and all that stuff so I don't know why he's bitching Right some people get stuff some people don't get stuff, but we all get stuff at the end.

Speaker 2 Yeah, good philosophy.

Speaker 3 Yeah, but did you guys get paid to do the bird show?

Speaker 2 Yeah, like what? 100 grand? Something like that. Something like that.

Speaker 2 I bought it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I donated.

Speaker 3 It's nothing to me.

Speaker 3 Showtime

Speaker 3 let me have Showtime.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. I heard that.
I heard that. They gave you the network? They gave them the network.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's crazy, dude.
Yeah.

Speaker 3 Not really, not when you look at my track record. So I just, yeah, I'm going to be taking over Showtime.

Speaker 2 That's really cool, Craig. Congratulations, man.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 3 No, yeah, no shit. Congratulations, Bobby.
And also, CBS. So you'll never get a job again on CBS.
Ooh,

Speaker 2 burn. Fuck you, Bobby.
Yeah, fuck me. Fuck you.
And my fucking heritage.

Speaker 3 I love you, guys. I'm going to go back to my set in Beirut.

Speaker 2 Okay, go, go, go.

Speaker 2 Get some rest. Yeah, get some rest.
Get some rest and some water. And

Speaker 2 have fun.

Speaker 2 Yeah, me and Bayer. Did the movie good? Hey, Bobby, have fun being up for the next 11 hours.
Thank you. I will.
I haven't had my first meal yet, so I will have that. That's awesome, man.
Okay.

Speaker 2 And thank you so much, Tom, for being here. I had a good time, guys.
It was really fun. Thank you, Tom.
Killed it.

Speaker 3 It was a great time. Tom, when you sign off, will you look in the camera and say, thank you for being a bad friend?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Before we go, right? Yeah.
Everyone, make sure you check out

Speaker 2 my friend's movie. All right.
It's called The Opening Act. Thank you for being a bad friend.
Dee Byrne in the opening act.

Speaker 2 It's got Ken Jung, Bill Burr. Everyone's in it.
Yeah, yeah, me. You're in it? Yeah, I'm in it.
You play the waiter. I'm the cop.
It's great. Guess what?

Speaker 2 I get to do some fun cop shit. Yeah.
So,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 me and Andrew auditioned for the opening. We didn't get the part.

Speaker 3 Five times. Yeah.
We read five times. I went to producers.

Speaker 2 You did? I went to producers.

Speaker 2 Who are you auditioning to be?

Speaker 2 Jimmy Yo-Yang and Ken Jung's part. They both picked me out.
Yeah, but it's a lot of A-bases.

Speaker 2 It's a funny movie. It's got great people in it.
Bill Burr, Tom Segura.

Speaker 3 I went out for Bill Burr's part.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Yeah, yeah, and you didn't get it. I didn't get it.
It's fine.

Speaker 2 Hopefully, one day Steve will use me. I actually, I watched it the other day, and

Speaker 2 this is a weird thought to have. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I'm being totally honest with it. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I enjoyed that you weren't in it.

Speaker 2 Like at the end of the movie, I was like, I'm glad Bobby wasn't in it.

Speaker 2 I was like, this is so much better. That's good.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend. All right, I'm going to choke you out.

Speaker 2 Bye.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Daddy, I love you.

Speaker 2 Daddy, why'd you die?

Speaker 2 Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

Speaker 2 Daddy, I can fly.

Speaker 2 Daddy, I miss you.

Speaker 2 Why aren't you dead?

Speaker 2 Daddy, I need you laying in your bed.

Speaker 2 Daddy, I love you.

Speaker 2 Why did you die?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry I took photos of you while you were dead.

Speaker 2 And sent it to the Hudson's. What is wrong with my head?

Speaker 2 You were dead, and then I whipped out my iPhone.

Speaker 2 I can't believe I did that shit. Now I'm all alone.

Speaker 2 Daddy, I love you.

Speaker 2 Why did you die?

Speaker 2 Fuck you, George.