Happy Birthday, Sleepy Bobo ft. Chris Distefano

September 21, 2020 1h 35m Explicit

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Go to andrewsantino.com. You can find out where I'm doing all that stuff.

You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Bro, Jules, fuck, man. She's acting like Ally Sheedy from the Breakfast Club today.
Why? What happened? She wore the mask on the car ride over as if I fucking have it. And I go, are you going to take it off? She's like, no.
Whoa. Whoa, hothead.
You're fucking crazy.

Introduce our guest, Bobo.

We're not starting yet.

Yeah, we are.

I had to get into it.

Did you see I bought you a cake?

Yo, you smell fucking good, dude.

What is it, Scent?

Shut up, Chrissy.

No, I swear to God, man.

I'll fuck you on my birthday, post-birthday.

Happy birthday.

What did you get me?

Can we sing?

What did I get you?

Yeah.

Fuck you. I let you have the day off? What did I get you? Yeah Fuck you

I let you have the day off yesterday

And I bought you a cake

That says happy birthday

I had a cake yesterday friend

How many cakes am I gonna get friend?

I got you a birthday gift

I want something to solve it

Give him his birthday gift

Give him his birthday

You see what it says on here

It says happy birthday sleepy bobo noodle

Oh shit

And how old are you?

You added the noodle?

How old are you sleepy bobo noodle?

How old are you?

No you're not

You're 49

You old fuck

But that's only 7 in Chinese years

I look good though

Thank you. How old are you, Sleepy Bubbo Noodle? How old are you? 32.
No, you're not. You're 49, you old fuck.
But that's only seven in Chinese years. I look good, though.
Hey, can we play this? Be honest, dude. When you see China...
Happy birthday. Sneak it there.
Stick it. I'm all there.
Okay, happy birthday. And then also...
One dollar. No, I got it from the gas station.
That costs one dollar. Two dollar.
And then I got everybody chocolate chip fucking bars, espresso,

cupcake things from the French across the street.

You want these?

Here, move your glasses.

Three dollar.

One dollar.

Oh, here.

I got some forks.

And I got no COVID or anything like that.

I got a happier birthday.

I'm not touched that ever.

Happy birthday. Hey, let me play this, Andres.
I want to play this for you because this is from my family to yours. This is happy birthday in Korean.
Let's all sing along for Bobby. Let's do it.
Sayang-i-chuk-ha-ham-ni-da. Sayang-i-chuk-ha-ham-ni-da.
Ji-ju-kisu, ji-ju-kisu, jilisan-ram-ham-ni-da. Keep the ball that's incomplete Be your ball You're welcome, dude.

That was so nice.

They'll do shit like that for you in North Korea.

No, they don't.

Yeah, okay.

Can I say this?

Yeah, say it. Yes.
All right. Have you ever met anyone from North Korea? Yes.
Yes. No, you haven't.
Yes. It's like an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo? You've read them all in the books and the fairy tales? What the fuck? You could play with them in video games maybe, but you've never met one. I've met someone from North Korea.
Who? What's his name? It's a girl. It was a girl.
Whoa. Concubine? Was she concubine? She was a concubine.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
She was a slave that escaped. She was a female slave that escaped.
She was working, I think, in a shoemaking factory, and she escaped. Bro, Koreans don't sweat.
That's a fucking fact. You can Google that.
I see? They don't sweat, and they got the gene where the sweat doesn't smell. That's a fact.
You can Google that. He smells.
No, he smells fantastic. I've never had deodorant.
I know, but you smell, though. I don't sweat and they got the gene where the sweat doesn't smell that's a fact you can google that he smells he smells fantastic I've never had deodorant I know but you smell though I analyzed it I have a microscopic equipment at home there's no pores down there no no no it's like it's like fucking an android skin dude just poreless you don't sweat no I bleed I know but you bleed you bleed he bleeds yeah I don't come no no it's an actual thing I'm not even making that I don, but you bleed.
He bleeds. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. And you'll come.
Nah. I'm going to do something.
No, no. It's an actual thing.
I'm not even making that out. Google.
They have a thing in the genes, one of the enzymes that produce Koreans specifically where they, it's either they don't sweat or the sweat doesn't smell. Yeah, but Chris, how come fucking white dudes smell like shit? Not just Koreans.
Dude, you jog 20 feet and you smell the pit? It's like fucking Beirut fucking water. I gotta be honest with you.
I used to smell a lot, but then recently, over the past six months, I've been on estrogen therapy because I'm transitioning. I'm serious, dude.
Yeah. I've been on estrogen therapy and I don't smell anymore.
I don't smell. Are you really...
By the way, I want us to look at the camera real quick because Yes, dude. Yeah.
So I've been on estrogen therapy, and I don't smell anymore. I don't smell.

Yeah.

Are you really?

By the way, I want us to look at the camera real quick, because yesterday, or whenever

this comes out, Andrew let me on his podcast, Whiskey Ginger.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

And I told everybody that I was gay, and I said I was being very serious, and I'm not.

I'm a heterosexual male.

Yeah.

I just want to let everyone know I was kidding around, but I am not.

I am a straight male.

Now, why do you think people think you might be gay? Because I

looked in the camera. You stood up straight?

Yeah. Because I

looked in the camera on the podcast the other day and said I was

gay, but I am not gay. So I want to say

nope, I'm straight. Okay.

But there's a few things that might give it away that you might be

gay. What is that, Andrew? You got good skin, you got straight

teeth, you wear jewelry, you are nice

and in great shape, you're always at the gym, you only hang out with dudes. Yes.
All right. I'll tell you why you're gay.
Can I tell you why you're gay? Yes. Because when I see dudes like you that are handsome with your body size, you know what I mean? You're a handsome guy.
From a comic, it goes Dane Cook, it goes there's people ahead of you. It goes Dane Cook? You know what I mean? It goes Dane Cook.
Dane Cook, a couple of open micers I know. A couple of open micers I know.
Right. You have your friend right here.
Yeah, he's a handsome guy. Way better.
Take off his hat. Take off your hat.
Look at this guy's hairline. It doesn't stop.
Where does it start and stop? Italiano. Italiano.
Oh, shit. Look at how hairy he is.
Oh, fuck. No, Bobby, don't.
Bobby, don't. Bobby, don't.
Oh, fuck. I'm gonna fuck you.
Dude. Oh, fuck.
You'll suck my dick. You'll suck my dick.
You take out good hair like that. I'll suck it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's gay.
No, no, no, I'm not gay. I'm not gay.
That's full-blown gay. What percentage? Can I finish my point? Yeah, please.
Let me finish my point, okay? Usually that dude that look like him, right, they bully me a bit, right? Like, hey, my little hopsick. They always say that.
Yeah. Put me in a little head.
They give me a nookie, right? He's, like, gentle. Gentle.
Yeah, he's soft. Gay.
Oh, that's why. Yeah.
But, no, I i don't you're not aggressive i'm not aggressive i don't know i've like i said on the podcast the other day i i don't know that i'm gay but i will say confidently that i i i i have sex with women but i fall in love with men so i would i would i would very much i'd you're emotionally gay i'm emotionally gay yeah but and yeah but I have nothing against the gay community at all. Nothing against, I support and like the gays.
Well. But I am not gay.
I'm not gay. Okay.
I do, but I'm not gay, but I am a Democrat, so I don't know. But you're a Democrat.
Because they're mostly gay. Democrats? Yeah.
What do you think the percentage of Democrats that are gay? I thought 100%. All of them? Like somebody, somebody.
Bobby's a dem. What?

Bob's a dem.

Yeah, but Bob's gay.

He told me he's gay.

Like somebody the other day,

somebody the other day was walking

and he's like, oh,

and they said the F word.

They're like, you fucking Fs.

And I was like, oh,

I thought I was like,

I thought it was like a Democratic rally

or something like that.

Right, right.

I was like, oh,

those guys vote for Joe Biden,

which is fine.

That's fine.

Who are you going to vote for?

Huh?

Who are you going to vote for?

In the November election? Yeah. D-O-N-A-L-D.
That's fine. Who are you going to vote for? Huh? Who are you going to vote for? In the November election?

Yeah.

D-O-N-A-L-D-T-R-U-M-P.

D-O-N-A-L-D-R-U-M-P.

Duh!

No!

Trump!

Trump! for you. We built the wall.
I told you we're going to build the wall with the bodies of dead Democrats. I'm kidding, buddy.
I'm kidding. You hear about the North Korean, though, that escaped, right? Lived in South Korea for a little bit.
And he goes, fuck this, and went back. Really? Was that much better? Wow.
No, he just couldn't deal how good it was. It was too nice.
It's a free, boba free? You know what I mean? Like when they get milk tea in fucking North Korea, they probably don't even get free boba. No, it's a side.
Or like, pussy? I can get pussy anytime I want. You know what I mean? It's overwhelming.
Look at the TV, what you asked. Not just Koreans, but East Asians in general.
Koreans or any human, for that matter, wouldn't last very long without the ability to sweat. So humans all produce body odor.
Having said that, East Asians do

have less apocrine

sweat glands, which results in

reduced ability to sweat. There you go.

I have like two apocrine sweat glands.

Show them. There it is.

There and there. Right none.

Have you been doing a little bit of working out? Your muscles look a little bit...

You do look good. It's fat.
Fuck you.

No, no, no. Jiggle the bottom.
Jiggle the bottom. That's how you know.

No. You look apocrine-y and fritch.
You look good. But's fat.
It's fat. Fuck you.
No, no, no. Jiggle the bottom.
Jiggle the bottom. That's how you know.
No. No, look.
It's kind of tight. You look apocrinian fritch.
You look good. But you know what? You know what? Honestly, going back to the guy who escaped from North Korea to South Korea and then went back to North Korea, there is a freedom in communism, I would imagine.
When you don't have much choice. Yeah.
Like you ever watch Netflix and it's like there's so many choices. Like, oh, there's nothing on TV.
With communism, there's no choices. You just have to do it.
So I could see if you were a product of that

and then you go back.

It's like In-N-Out.

It's a freedom.

In-N-Out's communist, right?

They're like burger with or without cheese.

I kind of like that.

I don't want all the options.

You know, like track homes,

all the houses look the same.

Like if your dad was like kind of a bum, right?

And he lived in a track home

and then your friends in the same neighborhood's dad is a doctor,

they could brag all they want, right?

They can go, my dad's a doctor.

Our houses look exactly the same.

Yeah, that's true.

That's the same thing.

I don't think your dad who would be a bum would have a track home, though. But the mom works.
The mom works. What does she do? What? Well, what does she do? She works for a track home.
Oh, the track home company? Yeah. No, she cleans the house.
Houses. She's a maid.
She's Mexican. Your mom does? What size is your mom's feet? I always...
Three. Small feet.
Is Yeah, yeah. Small feet.
It's like a kid's half. Your mom has tiny little feet? No, my mom has beautiful feet, dude.
I bet you mom... Fuck you.
My mom has the prettiest feet. Have you ever seen his mom? No.
Like a hammerhead shark. Fucking really? One eye's over here, the other one's over here.
It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable.
Seriously, you talk shit about my mom all the time. Your mom is a fucking Beelderwist beast.
A Beelderwist? A Beelderwist beast. A Beelderwist beast? You've never heard of Beelderwist? Your mom is a Build-A-Bear and the fucking eyeballs are on his cheek and its forehead.
It's my fucking birthday, dude. You'll attack my mom.
Yesterday was your birthday. Yesterday.
Yeah, there's post and pre. I got you a cake.

I got you a cake.

You know I'm not going to eat it.

I know. Why don't you eat it? You don't like your sweets?

No, I have a fucking... You know how many cakes I got,

Chris, from last night? So what? Keep eating cakes.

Netflix sent me a fucking cake.

Why did Netflix send you a cake? I don't know why.

Did they really? Oh, that's nice.

That's just some young girl. You know me, the hipster girl? They sent you a cake.

Yeah, because Bobby Lee live here.

And I was smoking a cigarette.

I go, yo, what's up?

She said, I got a cake.

She didn't want to be there.

I got a cake.

It was the cast of Cuties was on it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's just giving me to me.

Because, you know, I've only been on a couple things, but that was really nice.

On Netflix, you've been on a few times.

Hey! Oh, wow. That was ripper.
I got COVID now, huh? No, no, I got... He tested negative.
Oh, okay. He tested negative.
Can you get COVID for farts? Yeah. No.
Yeah. No, no.
Yes, you can. The CDC said you can collect COVID one of three ways.
In a small room with other people, after confined spaces and times times breathing, spitting, and also any sort of

fecal matter that's in the air.

So if you fart,

fecal matter's in the air.

I could huff your fecal matter

and I could get COVID.

But I'm wearing

Lululemon pants.

Oh, then we're good.

They're $110 pants.

So they're not going

to go through this.

And I just told you

I tested negativo for COVID.

Yeah, but what if it's

a false negative?

That's true, too.

It could be a false negative.

Are those Lulus?

These are Lulus.

Spence, yeah.

Can you smile a bit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me see.
You know what? Fuck your teeth. Your fucking gums.
Too big. Yeah.
Let me see. You don't have big gums.
No, what do you mean? You smile. You know Bobby has 19 teeth? Really? Yeah.
He's missing most of his teeth. That's a lot of teeth.
Really? There's one going. You got another one going?

Yeah, Frankie.

Frankie's got to go?

Oh, no.

What happened to him?

I name all my teeth.

Frankie G is gone.

Wow.

It's, hey, bro, I can't do it anymore.

Ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-boom, ba-da-ba-da-bing.

Now, ask him what accent that is.

Ask him what accent that is.

Frankie the tooth.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so there's a hole in Frankie.

Like, he got shot in the head.

Oh.

Right?

And then when the wind goes in there, everyone suffers.

It whistles? No, everyone goes, ow. Imagine if you open your mouth and the car's going down the road.
It's like, Frankie G got shot and he's dead and he's gone. Are you going to have it removed? Are you going to let it fall out? No, because now the nerve, I think the nerve died.
Oh, shit. So since the pandemic, since the pandemic, hey, since the pandemic, I've been in a lot of pain.
I never told you that. Wait, seriously? You've been in pain this whole time? Yeah, because when the whole Frankie G's hole and then there was a nerve that stuck at Frankie G's head.
You could see the fucking nerve? You can't see the fucking nerve. I don't have that kind of equipment.
You said you had a microscopic thing to check out your asparagus. Apocrine, apocrine.
Apocrine, apocrine. But no,

the thing is, I've been in a lot of pain.

Are you going to use that as an excuse?

Are you going to do another thing?

What's another thing?

You use pain, your trauma as an excuse for all sorts of fucked up shit that you'd end up doing.

Like what? Give me an example.

Being late, not texting back,

not hanging out, not returning calls.

It's a great privilege, huh? You love it.

Yeah, I do. That's why I got it.
Yeah, dude, it's good to be on top. Are you jealous of our white privilege? That's why I said it.
Let's gang up on it. I want to see what this was.
Let's gang up on it. Yeah.
Now I know what it is. I know what it is.
It's the winning team. You're in what they say, cahoots.
The winning team. What they say? What they say, cahoots.
You're in what they say, cahoots. We're not in cahoots.
I always know that about you, dude. We're not in cahoots.
And you know what you are? What? We say cahoots you're in what they say cahoots about you dude we're not you know what you know what you are what we say cute that's another thing i found out what you're gay so what do you mean nothing i'm not gay i know but you know what dude let me say this though and i'm gonna say this openly please serious that um let's just suppose j came down. Yeah.
Yeah. Not God.

Just some Mexican guy.

No.

Jesus.

And he goes, you know, you must, you know what I mean, fuck one comedian, male comedian.

Right?

He's saying that to you?

He's saying that to me.

Okay.

He might be in the top.

I'd have to him.

There's a couple of other guys.

Who are the top five?

That I would fuck? Correct. A couple of them are are cancelled so I don't want to name them okay I know who I know who Dom DeLuise Dom DeLuise and no I'll say the ones that aren't cancelled I would probably he's up there and then I'd have to say Jez on that yeah I'd have to say Jez on that he seems like he'd be a dead fish yeah or he's just angry like he has a frow he would just take it yeah take it yeah he would just take it and he's also emotionalist he's like a Romulan to me there's a lot of who would I have I'd have sex with somebody fun like Earthquake yeah but he's just funner to say I fucked Earthquake I fucked Earthquake yeah I.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'd fuck him. I'd bang Earthquake.

Lavelle Crawford.

Any of those guys. Who's another guy?

Tig Notaro, I'd bang.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a big leap.

That's a huge leap.

That's a big leap.

From Earthquake to Tig?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

I would fuck him, too.

Tig.

Yeah.

I'd fuck him.

I'd go after the big dogs.

Yeah.

Yeah, who?

Rock, Chappelle.

Just for the clout.

Yeah.

You know, because then I have something.

Well, let's make the comic.

It's not what comedian.

Well, I'd hold it above their head.

Everyone would fuck the Rock. Everyone.
No, no. Even without Jesus coming down.
Chris Rock. Oh, no, no, no.
No, I'm saying I'd hold, because I'd hold it above him. I'd be okay.
You know who I still to this day jerk off to? I jerk off a lot to Barbara Walters. I still jerk off to Barbara Walters.
Yes. You used to be big into Larry King.
Are you not big into him anymore? No. Now, now, now, most people I jerk off to is, is I jerk off to Barbara Walters.
I jerk off to Tucker Carlson. A lot from Fox News.
Yes. And I jerk off a lot to LeBron James.
Oh. Yeah.
Since we're opening up I jerk off to you know that scene in Silence of the Lambs when they when they fucking flip the girl over and she had strips of flesh missing from her back. Yeah.
That's it. That's it.
Something about it's just something. I jerk off a lot to Jodie Foster, but from Nell.
You ever seen the movie Nell when she's being raised in the woods by wolves? I jerk off there because there's one scene where they show full bush, and I like that. Oh, Jodie Foster, huh? Yes, but from Nell, not from Silence of the Lambs.
Jerry Maguire. Yeah.
The beginning scene in Jerry Maguire. When Cuba Gooden takes his thing off.
When he says, show me the money, that's when I's like I went to Arizona State Jerry I bust right there yeah the real sex scene at the beginning of that movie is so hot it is really hot that is and you know it's another one I used to seriously I swear to God jerk off to all the time True Lies when Jamie Lee Curtis was dancing on the pole and there's about 35-40 seconds in her little top of her nipple comes out and I would fucking jerk off and I would always fucking hold it and I would wait until fucking Arnold gets punched in the face at the end when he fucking, and his lip is all bleeding, and then I go, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I fucking do it.
Dude, yeah. My mom's- Do you find yourself, I mean, I don't want to go too blue, but we're here already.
We're already here. So do you masturbate often? Yes.
Yes, and I don't jerk off like this. I think I've talked about this before.
I don't do like this. I make my hands I lay down on my back and I make my hands like I guess it's kind of like a pussy or whatever and I rub the base of my penis and I come directly to my belly button.
I swear to God that's a true story. I'm not lying.
I'm not lying. Really? No, I swear to God.
I swear to God. I swear on everything.
I would jerk off a lot and I still jerk off like that. So people are like, oh, jerkingking off in the shower is the best i can't because i don't do it like that i have to lay lay my penis against my body and and push it down you know what i do physically push force against i push down and i go to the base of my penis yeah and i push down right above my balls in the lower part of my uh penis shaft and i just push keep pushing down and then i i and uh you know i come into my belly button usually wow yeah yeah Yeah.
That's so weird. You know the hole with the penis? Yeah, you blow on it? Urethra.
I don't blow on it. That's fucking weird.
That's fucking weird? And the stem, right? Right below the – I take my two fingers like this and I squeeze as hard as I can. Oh, see.
Oh, yeah, the blowing was weird compared to that. Right.
You're insane.

You squeeze your penis

as hard as you can?

It feels so good.

No, it does not.

Yes, I do.

I go, take it.

Like that.

I talk to it.

If you talk to your penis?

Yeah, you don't talk back to me.

Yeah.

Right?

And it goes like this.

Yeah.

Dude, I don't know.

Who's Dave?

Because you know my penis, right?

I don't want to get it.

I don't know if I can talk about it.

But I used to call my penis

by a girl's name. What was the name? Well, because she listens to the podcast.
Yeah. What's her name? Yeah.
I'm not going to make it up. Yeah.
Go ahead. Katie.
What's the real name though? What's the real name? That's a real name. What's the real name? But this girl Katie I used to work with, right? Went out with this other.
So I liked her. Right.
And then she went out with another busboy

so here's the deal

of all the busboys

yeah yeah yeah

so I was a busboy

yeah no shit

and this guy Dave

was a busboy

and then she was a waiter

waitress

server

whatever

and then I used to

walk by her

while she was taking orders

and smell her hair

oh my god Bob

it's like a psycho

I'd have a fucking

bucket like this

and smell it hair. Oh, my God, Bob.

It's like a psycho.

Yeah. I'd have a fucking bucket like this and smell it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. What would Katie say? She wouldn't know.
She's fucking taking orders. Do you want to hear about a sniffer? Oh, she had no idea you were a hair sniffer.
And I would try to get as close as I can. And sometimes if I snipped hard enough, one hair would shoot into the nose.
Oh, that's fucking awesome, dude. Right.
But then like like, she did. This other guy, Dave, liked her.
And then she went out with him. And then they got married, their children.
Oh, really? Really? Katie and Dave? So I call my penis Katie. Right? Right? And I squeeze it, the tip.
And I go, what's up with Dave? And then you fucking come out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is she the one that got away? Well, no, because the love of my life is I live with her now.

Yeah, but Kalilah didn't get away.

Did that one get away?

She's trying to.

We won't let her, though.

We won't let her.

You know what I've noticed?

Ever since I've had genital warts, my penis is so much more sensitive. I'm coming so much quicker when I masturbate because I was removing them, but now I haven't removed them.
And I've noticed that since I've had genital warts. And it also is good because I'll be honest with you guys.
My penis is about five and a half inches, but it's six with warts. And I feel like that makes it a bit different.
Oh, so the warts are on the tip. The warts are on the tip.
I thought, because when I imagine warts, you would think that it's the width part that would thicken it, right? But I've never seen the warts just congregate on the tip. I actually have what's known as genoanidal genoanidal warts or genital anal warts where I have – I have right now maybe 10 warts, a couple on my testicles, one on the base of my chest, two or three on the tip of my penis.
And then I do have one on my asshole. And that's normal because at first I said – because when I went to the doctor – because I went to the doctor and I said – and I said, you know, I've never had MSN, man sex with man, but I do have a wart on my asshole.
And he said that's just – it's fine. It's all from the wart family.
And he said, you know, I've never had MSN, man sex with man, but I do have a wart on my asshole. And he said, that's just, it's fine.
It's all from the wart family. And he said, would you like me to remove it? And I said, no, because I've recently found out that my penis and asshole is more sensitive.
Like right now I'm sitting on the ass on my wart and I do have a heart. I have an erection.
How do you not know that it's not a hemorrhoid? Because I don't bleed when I shit anymore. Did you ever have hemorrhoids? I don don't what i don't i don't bleed uh when i when i shit anymore did you ever have hemorrhoids i don't know but i was i was shitting pure blood for a little while but wait wait stop stop stop all right yeah when you ship like i don't know baby when i shit pure blood right immediately i just kind of stand up right and i go to a facility called you know the hospital the hospital no yeah you't do that.
Not me, man. Have you ever shit blood? I think one time it was beet.
Oh, beet juice. It was beet.
Beet juice, yeah. But I thought it was blood.
Yeah. No, honestly, I had beet.
I love beets, by the way. You love beets? That's one of my favorite veggies.
Really? Yeah. Me too.
I like the way it bleeds. You know what I mean? It's cool.
But I like the texture of everything about it, right? But sometimes I don't chew it. I swallow beets whole.
Swallow the whole thing. Like if I've had a salad, right, and there's a big chunk of beet, I don't even swallow.
I just suck it a little bit. I love sucking juices.
Me too. That's my thing.
Yeah. Any kind of juice, I suck the fuck out of it.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Lollipop.
Yeah. Right? Even like if I have a boba.
So juice and a lollipop. If I have a boba And there's some juice Like there's some sort of Like in the light thing Yeah I'll dig a hole I'll suck the fuck out of the juice Yeah You know that little gum With the little thing Yeah With the juice in the middle Yeah Yeah I suck the juice out Before I eat the whole fucking thing In my mouth baby Yeah That's why The burger's the juicy Lucy You ever eat a burger where you bite it and then the cheese comes and hit me?

Dude, one time I was in Minnesota.

That's where they have.

And I bit into a Juicy Lucy and the cheese hit my esophagus and I came because it was

just like beep, beep.

And it was like anytime I get violently hit in my uvula, it's an automatic thing.

I don't know why I wanted a juicer.

What was it?

I had a point to make.

What was it?

I don't know.

That the Holocaust isn't real?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's why I want to know that the Holocaust isn't real. It's a fucking hoax.
Just like COVID. Just like COVID.
I don't know what the fuck is. You do think COVID is a hoax.
You told me that the other day. No, I don't.
You said, I don't want to talk about it on air, but I don't believe in it. I don't fucking believe COVID is a fucking hoax, man.
That's why I have it left to happen. Come on, man.
What are you fucking saying shit like that? There's a lot of things I think that are hoaxes. What's a hoax? I think that

I'm going to get

in trouble here,

but

I think that

the sun is a hoax.

It's not there.

Well, let me ask you this.

Let me ask you this.

Really?

What is it?

What?

What is it?

It's just an illusion.

You know how we illuminate

light from our eyes?

We illuminate light

from our eyes.

Well, we

you know,

everything is an illusion, right? Sure. And everything's transfixed into a visual cortex yeah dude well done it's funny because the reason why we brought down here is Don's a director Don Don no we're gonna do we're gonna do a movie pandemic pandemic pandemic 2020 is what we're that we're writing I told Andrew about this yesterday.
We're going to, we have going to do a movie. Pandemic 2020 is what we're writing.
I told Andrew about this yesterday. We have parts.
Andrew, of course, we think Andrew wants to play the president. He wants to play President Trump because of red hair, red face.
I was going to play Nancy Pelosi. And then you're going to play the coronavirus.
Under the microscope. We're going to do under the microscope on the spore.
Oh, CGI. CGI.
What I love about a movie like that Is that I don't really Have to work that much No it's just gonna be Yeah yeah You can actually Even CGI Like I go in And they put the Green suit on me They put the balls On my head They want you to get tattoos They want you to get Real coronavirus tattoos Yeah Little red nodules All over your body Get Kim Jong Kim Jong Kim Jong would love it He's dead though Kim Jong Un is dead Kim Jong Un's dead No Ken Jong Oh Ken Jong Un Ken Jeong would love it. He's dead, though.
Kim Jong-un is dead. Kim Jong-un's dead.
No, Ken Jeong. Oh, Ken Jeong-un.
Ken Jeong-un. Yeah.
No, no. Ken Jeong the actor.
Is Ken Jeong and Kim Jong-un related? No. Why do they look the same? They do look the same.
I can never tell you. I'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding. Yeah.
You know who Ken Jeong is? Huh? Yeah. Yeah, he did the special when he was pregnant on Netflix.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
Have some kids. Very underrated special, by the way.
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Chips Registry, Bahamas. Anyway, why did I say about the juices? My mind can't.
You really wanted to talk about the juice for some reason. I know, but my mind, I was talking about.
It's good. Is it good? No, it's not.
It's not good. I swear to God, it's good.
Hey, do you know why? Because I have, you know, I have, what's that thing called? OCD. OCD.
You have, you have ADD. Hey, what's bigger, this or your mom's foot? What's bigger? Nah.
Yeah. What is that? Is that a chocolate chip cookie bar? It's a chocolate chip...
A snickerdoodle bar? Snickerdoodle bar. What is it? Coffee cake? That's coffee cake? You want some, Andrew? No, baby.
You don't like sweets, huh? I like... You know what's so funny? I'm savory over sweet.
So is he. He's the same way.
This guy will eat 14 fucking steaks, but he won't eat. No, no.
If I eat a cake, I will not eat the icing. I'll only eat the breading part.
I hate icing. Really? Yeah, I hate it.
What is it? I don't like it. It's pure sugar.
Sugar, sugar, sugar. Yeah, I don't like it.
Yeah. Let me, because yesterday was my birthday, right? Yeah, yesterday was your birthday.
I want to say something else. What did Rudy get you? Rudy, what did you get, Tito?

She gave me three cartridges for my Nintendo Switch.

49.

So can I just say something?

49 years old.

So, you know, my therapist was like, you know, because you know I have a thing about not texting people back?

Yeah, it's the thing that we have together.

Bingo.

Yeah.

So she's like, I think you should be able...

Happy birthday.

What do your therapists say, Bob?

I know, but let me just...

Fuck the therapist for a second, okay?

I just want to look at you, dude.

You know, when one's speaking, right?

Especially the host of it, you know, right?

Thank you. but let me just, can I just, fuck the therapist for a second, okay? I just want to look at you, dude.
You know, when one's speaking, right, especially the host of it, you know, right, and you do fucking, you know, that style of farting, right, which is the worst style, right, it's ax, cheeks, clothes, probably a little sweat build up, right, and there's a little force going, right, for timing. Yeah, you are pushing a little bit too much.
You're pushing a little bit. I hear it going.
I know far. Because I've done it before.
Well, if you're going to wear Lululemon pants, you might as well test them. They're $110.
That's true. So anyway, let's go back to the thing.
My headphones are coming off, but I can't adjust them because I have chalked it on my hands. Will you get them something from out there? Can somebody come adjust my headphones? So my therapist was like...
What did your therapist say? My therapist was like, you know, you have a problem with testing, so you should text everyone back thank you when they say, you know, text you happy birthday. Right? I knew that's why you responded so fucking fast.
I fucking knew it. Dude, I fucking knew something was afoot.
Yeah, yeah. When you responded immediately, I was like, something's up.
But you should see my face doing it. Such a piece of shit.
How many texts did you get, you think, happy birthday? 75. Maybe 75 to 100.
I texted you happy birthday as well. Yeah, did I text back? Yes, you did.
Thank you. Okay, you're welcome.
I didn't want to. No, I appreciate it.
But here's what she did. Now, I'm going to ask you.
Yeah. I texted people.
Thank you. Some of them, I even did an extra word to make them feel like it's just not like you know what you said thank you right so it's like you know if it was like like candace thompson you know she's a very funny comic she texted me and i said thank you ian you know i mean just to make a joke yeah but half of the people i texted back then did another text back to me because they're so fucking surprised i know No, but then, no, do I mean? Just to make a joke.
Yeah. But half of the people I texted back then did another text back to me.
Because they're so fucking surprised that you texted. I know, but then do I respond to that text as well? Well, you didn't.
When does it end? So it's like... It's fine.
I wrote, happy birthday, asshole. And you wrote, thanks, Red.
He added one word. Yeah, to make it more specific to you.
But I knew. Look at this.
I texted you at 1.43. You texted me at 1.
You texted me the same minute. Because I'm a therapist.
What did I say to you? Okay. By the way, 143, 143.
That used to mean I love you when you had beepers. Remember that? 143.
143 is I love you. 823 was thinking you.
8008 was boob. Remember that? 8008.
Five. Boobs.
Boobs. So I said to Bobby Lee, I said to Bobby Lee, happy birthday, babe.
And he wrote back, thanks, tits. And then I wrote, I do have tits.
And then he just left it on read. Right.
So the third one was the one that was like, do I text even back? Because now I'm in a text chain with fucking 60 people. So there should be a rule that if you say happy birthday to somebody on a text, you know what I mean? And then the guy says thanks, that should be it.

That's fine.

I texted you something.

But that's not it.

No, it is it.

I know, but people don't think it's it, so then they keep going.

It depends on the relationship.

How is it going?

And then you've got to go, I'm not responding to that.

I don't have to respond to that.

It's contextual, right?

Like you have a different relationship with some people.

So some people – okay, someone you don't know that well, right?

So I text you, happy birthday, thanks, that's all you need.

Someone who you're good friends with that you do know well, that knows you well.

if people are not going to engage more, then you engage more. That's how text works.
But a good friend, a good true friend that loves you, which I believe Andrew does. He knows.
And I love you, I love you as well. Unconditionally, an unconditional text means I send happy birthday and I don't expect anything from you.
Anybody who gets upset about why they're not responding to you does not love you unconditionally the way you may think they do. That's exactly what I was saying.
So unconditional love is what you should seek. So really, you should only have that from a few people.
That's exactly what my – And I believe you do. You just hit it on the fucking head right there.
Yeah, you should have it from – Bro That you just, bro, you just did it for me. Values and metrics.

What I want to tell you, dude, is that do you have unconditional love for me?

And if so, right, if you text me and I don't text you back.

Nobody loves you the way I love you.

Don't act like a fucking biatch.

Because then it's not unconditional.

The way you've been acting like a fucking pussy biatchy.

You.

Biatchy. And he knows.
I love it. And he knows that I want to throw this cake at his stupid fucking flat face.
Dude, throw it at him. No, but if I do, because who's going to clean it up? You're a pussy.
Us. Us.
Yeah, because I got crumbs over here. He'll never clean this up.
Really? He goes back to his booger layer after this. He doesn't have to fucking do anything.
He's got a nice... So he knows if I throw this...
Oh, I see. You're attacking now.
I am. Yeah, because you called me a bitch, so I'm going to attack you back.
You little short, fat piece of shit. No, I'm not kidding.
How about that? You fucking low-to-the-earth turd. I love getting him.
I get him there. Because he knows.
I get so deep. He's one of the only people that gets me fucking...
Actually, like, Angry man I love it And you called him A load of the earth turd That's funny man He's a floater He is He's a fucking piece of shit I love him Why are you wearing a beanie It's 92 outside I know Because I wanted to impress him But the thing is By the way He knew you were coming He got fucking excited. And I know he chose his outfit, particularly because he wanted to impress you.

That's what he did.

Stand up.

And what do you what kind of what are you wearing below?

What are you wearing below?

Gray sweats?

What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, but gray sweats because that makes your dick look big.

That's exactly right.

All the girls wear gray.

All the guys wear gray sweats.

That's a thing.

It is a thing.

That's a thing?

Yes.

Absolutely.

Gray sweats.

Gray sweats is a thing.

Google it.

Absolutely, man.

Does my dick look big?

Yeah.

Let me see.

Yes. See? Stand up again.
man. Yeah.
Let me see. Yes.

See?

Stand up again.

Let me see.

Yeah.

I've touched penises before.

I've sucked one.

You never played sports, so you never saw other men's penises like that, though, huh?

Bro, that's so insulting that you say that.

Well, you never played sports.

Dude, I was on the junior varsity wrestling team in high school.

Mm-hmm.

You know that, right? Are you serious? Yeah. For one year.
No. I wrestled all through middle school.
I was on the tennis team. Middle school doesn't count.
In high school? You played for one year in high school. No, three years I was on the tennis team.
No way. Oh, yeah.
Really? You played three years of tennis. If you look at my early Instagrams, dude, I have photos of my high school yearbook.
How are you so unathletic now? You have tennis hair right now, by the way. Bro, I'm 49, you fucker.
I know. This is what your body looks like.
No, this is what your body looks like. No.
All right, so I just want to say this. No one's surprised that this is what you turned out to be.
So Tuesday I shot i shot a um a short film appropriate right and i and i you would just call it a film yeah for you it's just a you shot something yeah go does it feel good no i'm gonna ask is it does it feel good to be tall yeah he's not tall he doesn't fucking know what he's not that good and the little, the fat little guy, Gook. The little guy, right? The FLG.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right, right.
You poke, you poke. Roald Dahl wrote that one too.
Does that feel good to you? The BFG and the FLG. I'm like 5'8 and a half.
He's your height. How old? You're 5'8 and a half? He's your height.
Oh, my bad. Does it feel good? Anyway.
Yeah, it feels good. So I shot this thing with, it was just me and Vince Vaughn doing it, right? Wow, that must have been the juxtaposition.
Right? He's tall. That was like the movie fucking Twins.
His stomach, right, is a little bulby. And then we're talking about our age and how we metabolize men.
Our age, metabolize harder. How old are you? I turned 36 last week.
Yeah, you're a young man still. Okay.
When you're 49, right, it's just harder to lose weight.

I believe it.

Particularly when you eat pizza every day and you don't exercise.

How's your cholesterol and blood pressure?

Through the fucking roof. Is it no good?

Is his cholesterol and blood pressure no good?

Yeah.

It's bad.

But you know what's interesting about Koreans and all Asians is no matter how out of shape

you are, you can still squat all the way down where your asshole's just like a millimeter

off the floor and smoke a cigarette.

All Chinese and Asian men, all people from Asia can squat down really low and smoke cigarettes on their bricks yeah i know you know chris 100 believe you were chinese he was convinced he was like there's no way you're korean he doesn't believe it i didn't believe it he doesn't he needs proof he thinks he's like there's no way he said all asians are from china he thinks everything branched from china no one is originated from anywhere just like i believe all whites are from germany i from Germany. That's probably true.
To make an argument against that, the squatting and the smoking. So before the Westerners took over fucking America, introduced them to fast food and our time to eat.
Before the Westerners took over America or Asia? No, when the Westerners took over Asia in terms of corporations going in cultural, going in there, right? Right, right. You know, generally Asians were small.
Right. Still are.
Still are. I know.
But, all right. But, no, because now the average height of a Korean, right, is what? A male is like 5'4".
No. 5'5"? 5'8", 5'9".
Really? Do you have proof on that? Because I feel like it's about 5'5", 5'6".

You're so insulting.

No, I'm being serious.

I'll bring it up.

Can you finish my point, though?

I'm going to guess.

By the way, I just want to put in a guess.

I'm going to put in 5'7".

5'7".

The average height of Korean male.

170 centimeters.

That's tiny.

That's like right here.

That's like a little tiny.

Yeah, it's like a trophy.

You look like a trophy.

What is that in feet?

170 centimeters in feet?

I would say, what is a centimeter? 100 centimeters make an inch. Is that right? Yeah.
And then 12 inches. 12 inches is a foot.
That's 5'5". 170 centimeters is 5'5".
I was fucking right, bitch! All right, but Andrew. Bitch! Bitch! Who's a bitch now? Bitch! Let me finish, though.
Let me finish, though. Please.

Go ahead. Let me finish.

Right?

But probably 20 years ago, the average height was probably 5'3".

Less.

20 years?

All right.

So what I'm just saying, though, and now we have Asians that are much taller.

Like, if you look at Korean soap operas, whether they're 6'6".

Those guys are genetically modified.

Exactly.

Yao Ming was made in a lab.

Exactly.

Yao Ming was made in a lab. Yao Ming was made from the same fucking Petri dish they made coronavirus in.
So Yao Ming is like a Franken-chink. Yeah.
Yao Ming Franken-chink. Say it.
Cliff it. He's saying it.
Let's bring it back. Yao Ming Franken-chink.
So I'm regular. That's what it is.
Here you go. But the point is this.
here's Yao Ming, right? The reason why we could squat like that is because we're shorter dudes, right? Yes. Right? But Yao Ming can't do that.
Yes, he can. Yes, he can.
No, he can't do that. They all have, all the Asians have unbelievably loose hip flexor muscles because they need to get down to smoke cigarettes.
It's part of what they need to do. Look at that.
Look at how low he is. There's him and Bobby Lee right there.
Look at how low he is. Look at how low his ass hovers against the floor.
Every human can do that. No, they cannot.
Not like that. Not like that.
Stand right there and do it. You're looking at this, alright? Yama's going, go over there.
To the little girl. Hold the pose.
He's like, I am. And before I destroy you, you go over there.
That's what he's doing. Go over there.
Right? But this, check this out, right? Yeah. He's not doing Right.
You know what I mean? Down, right? This is different. Then go over there.
Yeah, but it's still the same athletic muscles. Look at the ability to do that.
Y'all make him squat. He can't go all the way down.
Even if I said you could just do that. He can't go all the way down.
No, dude. There he is smoking.
There it is. Smoking a cigarette.
Smoking against the magic. And what's he saying? Tau ishi.
Chi hu dishi. Chi hu dishi.
Look at Dwight Howard's arms. Jesus fucking Christ, dude.
Muggsy Bogues. Look at Muggsy Bogues.
Michael Jordan used to call Muggsy Bogues a fucking midget. You ever seen that? He used to talk shit like, take the shot, you fucking midget.
And Muggsy Bogues in an interview was like, it was so upsetting. It was so emotionally scarring.
Because Jordan would just call him a fucking midget with the T.

You see that?

That was right.

Tiny men.

When you say midget, does it feel...

Because they want you to change.

They change.

He's saying what Jordan said.

I'm paraphrasing what Michael Jordan said.

Yes.

Because I would say...

If Michael Jordan called somebody the F word, you know what I mean?

What's the F word?

Agate.

Without the F.

With the F? No, without the F. That's the word.
So I don't get in trouble. Oh, God, an agate.
Right? Would you say that even? What do I say what? Let's say Michael Jordan called some other guy an agate. Okay.
Right? Okay. Would you have repeated that? Would I have repeated that word? Yeah.
If you were quoting him? No, but that's because agates are real people and midgets aren't. Oh, yeah.
That's different. They're half a people.
They're half a people. They're half a people.
Yeah, yeah. Like, they don't have real, like, they don't have full social security numbers or full lives.
Right, right, right. But the agates do, so then, you know.
Yeah, it's like, you know, when they say. Count to three.
Count to three. One, two, three.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Like, when they say, like, if there was a helicopter accident. All right, that's the last one.
Sorry. Right, and there was two midgets, and they go, four people die.
I go, you know what I mean? I go, three, whatever. Is that what you do? That's what I do in my mind.
I go, three people die. Three people die.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but what can they mistake you? People can mistake you for it.
Oh, my God. Sorry.
Fuck you. That's fuck you.
I ate the chocolate cake. Chocolate cake.
Chocolate cake.

I can't smell it at all.

Oh my God.

It's going my way.

I don't know why.

I'm sorry.

I can't smell it.

Do you guys ever, do you ever fart on the podcast?

I apologize if I did.

He does fart and I lose it.

I was eating sushi before with a fork.

When he farts, I fucking lose it.

Only when I eat the sushi with a fork, I fart.

With a chopper sticks, I don't fart.

Dude, I swear to God.

Bobby, I'm sorry. No, come sit down.
No, I can't do it.'t do it It smells so fucking bad dude Deal with it I'm sorry I'm sorry Bobby I ate chocolate cake And I had salmon with a fork Sushi with a fork I apologize I'm sorry I swear to god that won happen again. I realize I'm a guest on the show and I apologize.
No, I apologize. Dude to him on his side.
I can't smell or taste anything. I don't know what the fuck is going on.
But my Lululemon pants, there will be no holes. I haven't been able to smell or taste for the past like three days.
I can't smell anything. Are you serious? You really can't smell? I can't taste anything either.
Oh, right. That's one of the symptoms.
No, it's not. Smell.
It's not. Smell is.
And taste. You can't smell or taste.
And you fucking, when we were doing whiskey ginger, you were like, I told you, you had like that little, like, with the little striations in the lungs. I told you when I was a physical therapist, I used to see people like that, and I don't think you have COVID, but I remember like the cough.
I was like, that's coming from the center of the chest. Fuck.
Yes. Maybe you're just depressed.
You seem depressed. I am.
Yeah, you seem it. Because of you.
Okay, here we go.

No, no, no, I'm serious.

You do make me depressed most of the time.

What about?

Does it make you depressed?

Let me just ask, okay?

Hey, just out of nowhere.

Like, does a man do this to another man?

He's about to get mad.

Look at him.

He just doesn't breathe in, right?

Unconditional love.

Remember this, Andrew.

So in our merchandise, what shirt do you like?

And then I don't respond.

Hey, buddy, yellow, blue, or green, buddy. Right? I don't.
Or whatever. I said, which shirts do you like for the show, for merch for the show? And I go, I don't care.
Come on, buddy, pick one. Yeah, pick one.
No. If Giannis was like, hey, what shirts do you like? Would you be like, I don't care? Or would you go, I should put in my fucking input.
But if you didn't care, would you say you don't care. If Giannis if Giannis said if Giannis texted me and said what merch do I like what merch do I like.
I gave you options and it's like you got options. If he sent me that text the first text I'd say back is say do whatever you want agate.
And then I just and then I leave him on red for the rest of the day. Exactly that's exactly.
Yeah. It doesn't matter man.
You're right. You know what? It gets you crazy.
You're right. Yeah, you're right.
See what you're doing right there? No, no, no, you're right. See, I love that.
You know what you're doing right now? I'm like a fucking dad, and when the kid is here, I'm not going to say what I want to say. And when the kid leaves, then mom's going to fucking get it.
I'm going to beat the shit out of you. When the little boy goes off to school, little mommy's going to fucking get it.
It's insane. That's crazy.
I'm going to beat the shit out of him. That's crazy.
I'm going to beat the shit out of you, you little bag of rice. I'm going to fucking beat the shit out of you.
And then what do they go racist? The first thing they go is racist. You go racist against me all the time.
How? You talk bad about white people. What, you can't be racist? Oh, really? The fucking oppressor? I can't talk about that oppressor? I'm not the oppressor.
In a free market? In a free market? I'm not the oppressor. Huh? I'm not the oppressor.
Look at the oppressors like a bitchy now. Just oppress and just take it.
Okay. No, then I oppress.
I'm not the oppressor. Huh? I'm not the oppressor.
Look at the oppressor's like a bitchy now. Just oppress and just take it.
Okay. No, then I oppress and you shut up.
I'm the oppressee. Yeah, you shut up.
You shut up or I'll send you back. See, that's what he wants to do.
Andrew, you'll be right back on a boat. What race are you? He's Italian.
But from the South. Yeah, yeah.
I thought I could find some solace. You know what I mean? Right, hombre? You know what I mean? But he's like, I'm Italian.
He does look Mexican. He looks Mexican to me.
My daughter's Puerto Rican, so you can say that stuff to me. How's your daughter Puerto Rican? Because I had sex on my balls do Zumba.
No, because I had sex with a spicy Latina five years ago. Is that your wife now or no? No, not my wife, but I think soon to be.
We're back together and it's been great. I was Chrissy Cole's parents for a while, but now I'm back in the house.
Oh, good. So just waiting to get killed through domestic violence.
Are you going to move out here or no? No, fucking. No, I'm going to stay in New York.
Yeah, no, no. Now I'm going to stay in New York.
I do like it here. It's been on fire since I've been here for a week.
Is it better today? Well, it just goes – I mean it keeps going on fire and you start to wonder why. And Jesus, I think, is sending a message.
Yeah, he's saying something. Interesting, interesting.
So you would – what if you got a big show out here? You would never move to L.A.? I don't want to say – I just can't go too far from my daughter. Even now being away from her for just a week and I have to be – No, would you move the family? I would move the family.
If they all came with me, I don't care where we'd go. But if you ask me, I do like to be close to the water, like the Atlantic Ocean.
I like being close to the Atlantic Ocean, and I like being near Puerto Ricans. And that's New York City.
What's a better ocean, the Atlantic or Pacific? I would say Pacific. I like the Atlantic Ocean better because I'm sexually attracted to fishermen.
Yeah. You know? Oh, yeah.
Because when I think of Atlantic, like, I think of, like, you know, the very, very, the Matthew... Perry? No, no, the...
You know, the Godzilla with the Matthew guy who killed the woman in England. Matthew's...
He killed the woman in England? Yeah, yeah. Matthew.
Matthew. He got drunk.
He killed a woman in England. And then he went out.
He also was married to the Sex and the City lady. Matthew.
Broderick. Broderick.
Matthew Broderick. That Godzilla.
I had to go that way to get there. I got you.
Right. So I don't know if he did.
I don't know if he killed somebody. I heard.
I didn't know he was Godzilla. He was Godzilla.
What do you mean? He was Godzilla. Matthew Broderick played Godzilla? After my point, though, right? Look up if Matthew Broderick killed somebody.
He did? In real life? You're saying or in a movie? He hit somebody. Oh, okay.
Hit them with a car. Yeah.
Okay. It's like when Brandy, remember when Brandy did that, too? She goes, oopsie, whatever.
And she killed somebody. What is it? Fucking Caitlyn Jenner, same thing, right? Caitlyn Jenner did kill someone.
On August 5th, 1987, when driving a rented BMW 316 in Innesclean, Northern Ireland, Broderick crossed the wrong lane, collided head-on with a Volvo. The driver, Anna Gallagher, 28, and her mother, Margaret Doherty, 63, were both killed instantly.
He later forgave Broderick amid plans to meet him in 2003. Okay, there you go.
He got forgiven. I know, but does that, you think that that weighs on you?

No, not at all.

I do.

No, no, no.

I think if he kills somebody, yes.

Not if you're rich enough.

If you think he still lays in bed and goes, why did I do that? If you got enough money, he doesn't care anymore.

He paid the family.

I don't think that's true, dude.

Mark Wahlberg killed somebody too, they say.

Yeah, yeah.

I don't think that's true.

Of course it's not true.

Yes, it fucked with his head probably for a long, long time.

Yeah, it affects every aspect.

It bothers him.

But not Caitlyn Jenner because fucking Caitlyn Jenner paid them off and then got a sex change and then the thing went away do you know about that no fucking he killed someone on the pch when he was still bruce uh-huh killed someone on the pch and then paid them a quarter of a million dollars and it went silent then he became a woman and got time one woman do you think then that is the reason do you think in a I think it helped speed up the transition. In an effort

to hide his identity, that's why he became Caitlin?

Because of the crash? I think it helped

speed up. In the movies, they dye their hair.

Right. I think it helped sped up the transition

though. He killed someone and then not

too long after was fucking, I don't think

that was the catalyst, but I do think it, I do think

he wanted to get the fuck away from the accident

and turn the attention to something

else and be like, oh, that didn't happen. Fuck

that. Now, if you have

children, would you allow them to get a

Thank you. He wanted to get the fuck away from the accident and turn the attention to something else and be like, oh, that didn't happen.
Fuck that. Now, if you have children, would you allow them to get a sex change? If I have a kid and they say I want to be a boy and they're a girl? Yes.
I'll say, sure, when I'm fucking dead. Right.
Right. No.
Yeah. I would say, yeah, when you're a grown up.
When you're a grown up Right Not when you're a kid I think yeah Because if Before 18 They shouldn't Yeah You can't You can do that You should legally be allowed to do that But you As the father Have to also get a sex change With the child That's what I believe Both parents What about both parents Both parents then Yeah Swap swap They have to swap Actually yeah That's what you have to do Yeah yeah yeah, swap. If you're going to allow your child to get a sex change, then you, the mom takes the dad's dick and then I'll cut some fat off my ass and make a pussy.
Oh, it comes to fat off her ass and make a pussy. And then if we lie comfortable in our bodies for a year and our child's under 18, then they're allowed to then get a sex change.
My daughter right now is five years old. If that's what she wants, if she's listening.
That's up. In 13 years old.
She can have my. You don't do that.
I'm going to get my penis. get my penis you would never do that yes that's crazy I'll take the warts off this is what I'm gonna open I'm gonna be really honest yeah be honest if my daughter was 18 she goes dad that's your daughter yeah yeah don't do that with your voice anymore yeah it freaks me out alright dad I'm gonna do the sex change operation now socially yeah think about it yeah I All right, dad.
I'm going to do the sex change operation. Now, socially, think about it.

I would have to go because I'm a liberal.

You're a hardcore fucking lefty.

Yeah, and we have a word for that.

Agate.

Right?

I would have to go.

All right. What are the procedures? What's the next step? Right.
And then she would go through the transition. But the whole time, do I have to be like, yay? Yes.
If you want to work in television and film, yes. Or can I go? It's just what the truth is.
I wish that this wasn't the case i think that's what it would enter my i'm just i'm not no jokes jokes aside in my head i'd just be like you know i don't want this for some reason i'm not really fully on board but i think i have to be socially so and that's what she wants so i just is that all right for me to say? Sure, of course. Yes, of course.

If she's an adult, who cares? If your daughter's an adult and she's like, I'm getting a sex change, why would you even fucking care anymore? She's an adult. She can do whatever she wants.
Why would you care, though, deep down inside? There would be no question? No. So then I'm the bad guy.
Yeah. If my kid's a grown up and says, I'm going to do something, I go, good luck.
You're fucking not. I have to.
You wouldn't really do that. if she's a grown-up,

if she's an adult that makes decisions

and is out doing it, being an adult. Yeah.
What the fuck? If she's fucking nine and it's like, I want, I want to, I want a penis. I'd be like, well, let's talk about it in nine years.
Because Juliana's 18. I know.
If she wants to get a penis, go, go. Who cares? I would allow.
I would support it. I have a five-year-old daughter daughter so i would allow her if she came up to me tomorrow and was like i think i'm a boy i want to start dressing like a boy i would allow that i would allow that dressing like yeah i would not allow her to have any type of operation until she's 18 and has been living comfortably in that body and if she's like i'm i'm now making my own choices i would say then you have to do what you'd like to But my son's not playing softball.
He's not? No. Yeah, yeah.
I crossed the line at that. Yeah.

He don't want to play softball. You don't fucking play baseball! Right.
Same thing, just smaller ball. Smaller ball, that's it.
Just practice on the tinier one. Yeah, I'd let the kid do whatever they want when they become a grown-up.
But you don't let your kid do anything on their own. Yeah, she can't do anything.
My daughter wants to do all types of crazy shit. I won't let her do it.
What's the craziest shit she asks you to do? So far, right now, heroin. What did you say? I said...
How do you shut that down? I told her that, you know, she shouldn't do it and that if she wants to do it, she's going to have to do it when she's with her mother. She can't do it with me.
And then her mother gave it to her. When your kid's old enough and she goes, Daddy, did you ever do drugs?

What did you say?

Well, the God's honest truth is I never have done drugs.

Nothing.

I swear on everybody.

Not once in my life.

I smoked a little weed once.

That's it.

That's the only thing I've ever done.

You've never been drunk?

Have you been drunk?

Yeah.

Yes, I've been drunk.

So if you want to cut that as a drug, yes, I've been drunk.

He means no weed, no coke, no fucking ecstasy. No, I've smoked weed five times in my life.
Never, I did an edible once in my life. Never did any cocaine, mushrooms, heroin, nothing, nada, zero.
Wow. Nothing, nothing.
No, but he'll have a couple of drinks. Flonés and shit like that.
I've met comics like him before. They exist.
Yeah, there's a lot of them. Mencia used to be like that.
No, no, but he drinks. Mencia didn't even drink, right? Oh, that's true, yeah.
Yeah, no, he still likes to have a couple of sodas. I'll have some drinks.
I'll have some pops. It's just so weird.
We're shipping Mother's Day gifts with a rapid-fire round of questions. Ready? Yes, my gift.
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Protect electronics? Dog proof it? Return it if they hate it? Yes, no, and

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today. I played basketball

in high school and college, and I always, you know,

we'd get thrown off the team for that, and also I was always worried

it would, like, fuck with my heart. Somehow.

But now I've just been, you know, but now I

Thank you. store today.
I played basketball in high school and college, and I always, you know, we get thrown off the team for that. And also, I was always worried it would like fuck with my heart somehow.
But now I've just been, you know, but now I've. Len Bias or something? Yeah.
But now I've. But now my cholesterol and everything is through the roof because I eat like shit.
So I'm fucked with my heart anyway. It's not that bad, is it? It's cholesterol and blood pressure is high.
Donnie was in the room with me when the doctors came to give me a COVID test and the blood pressure is too high, baby. So I'm going to have to go on blood pressure medication.
Is stroke running your family? What about diabetes? No stroke, no heart attack. My dad's diabetic, but he's a fat muffin.
Yeah, but you might be pre-diabetic. No, my blood sugar, my A1C, which is the main factor, it's 5.2, so that's fine.
I'm on blood pressure medication. You are? For how long? For about a year.
Yeah? I need to be on it. What was the blood pressure at its highest reading? I don't know what the number is.
Top number, bottom number. The doctor told you you have to go.
The doctor trembled. People trembled in the room.
Really? Yeah, yeah. When they did it, they go, ah.
They almost dropped the thing. You know why? One day we were doing the show and he had ordered 10 Lou Malnati's deep dish pizzas.
And he ate them every single day until the next show we did the following week. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then to stop and then he did. Once in the last, okay, we have six Luminati pizzas in the freezer, right? There's one here at work.
Yeah, right. There's one here at the studio.
I will not eat them. Right.
Once in the last time I ate it. Last two weeks? Yeah.
Last two weeks. What, what, what do you, have you taken your blood pressure since? No, but dude, last night, here's what happens.
I know when my blood pressure is high is when like my neck hurts. Look at her laughing.
She knows what I'm talking about. Jules.
So it's for two weeks. I haven't been eating pizza and whatnot, right? Yes.
Two weeks, no pizza? No. Two weeks? Yeah.
Ask her. What have you been eating? I'll go to like Tender Greens and get a salad.
Very good. Right.
Or do I not do that? Why are you laughing? Nothing. Huh? You're acting like Ally Sheedy from the breakfast club today.
I don't like it. All right? And I'll go to Creation and only drink juices all day.
I have $40 juice. Right? $40 juice.
Last night, you know, no big deal. I was playing.
Did you have some cake for your birthday? Yeah, a little bit. I was playing video games.
I have the headphones on. Yeah.
And my brother and I were, you know, we're in a house. And we could hear footsteps coming in, right? And we're scared, right? I'm like, Steve, wait.
Flank him. Flank him, right? And I'm upstairs with the gun, right? We already had our loadout, right? So I had my loadout, right?

You know what I mean?

My point, right?

All of a sudden here is,

happy birthday, right?

And literally, right?

My fucking neck clinked like that.

And then my left arm came numb.

And I almost had a fucking stroke. I turn around.

It's these fucking little fucking island gooks.

Sneaky little island gooks like they did in fucking Platoon. Yeah.
Right inatoon, the whole Ho Chi Minh Ho Chi Minh, right? Remember? Right? They dig holes. They live in a tree for three weeks with a banana and a fucking handgun.
That's why they won the fucking war. Bananas good to lower blood pressure.
But that's how they won, these little fucking fuckers, right? They know where all the holes are. They don't give a fuck.
just hide in a hole for fucking a month. Right.
And then when somebody comes, they snatch them. She put it on Instagram.
Didn't you guys put that up on Instagram, the video? Right. I almost had a fucking stroke.
So, you know, when I get, you know. What are you doing? Go, I'm going to show everyone the nice video of you almost having a heart attack.
Oh, yeah, this is real. No, but go ahead.
Say it. You almost had a stroke.
I almost had a fucking stroke, dude. And I looked at Kalilah.
I go, you can never do that again. Right.
I could fucking die. Right.
But you could. You weren't going to die.
You weren't going to die, though. Dude, I know, but I could have a stroke.
No, but the chances of you as a 49-year-old with having a stroke or a heart attack is low, even with high blood pressure. Yeah.
It's all preventative. They want you to go on the medication now to prevent something happening when you're 50s or 60s.
Well, that's why I've been taking it. I take it every day.
I take it every day. Yeah, yeah.
Wait, but you're not... Oh, well, your dad did die of a stroke.
Dude, all my family members, all right, have had strokes and they've been paralyzed from the neck down. They smoke cigarettes, though? Cigarettes is big.
I smoke two. Oh, you smoke two.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
So, you know, I told you about my grandmother. For 25 years, she'd never left the house.
Right. And then, you know, I told you about the welts and stuff.
Didn't you have a grandmother, too, who got run over by a tank or something? What was that story? Oh, fuck. You told me that on Tiger Belly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a aunt, you know what I mean, who was run over by a military.
Oh, there it is. One, two, three.
Happy birthday to you. Dressed like Freddy Krueger.
Happy birthday to you. Oh, it's so funny.
I like at the end The last part When they just stare Look at his face Happy birthday to you I can watch this Happy birthday to you I would have came at the end And hit him with a fucking Wiffle ball bat Look at his face Happy birthday to you You you. You win.
Oh. Oh, man.
That's so fucking funny to me, dude. You're going to be fine.
You'll be fine. Do you have an insurance policy on yourself, by the way? Do they have an insurance policy on you? Because if they fucking kill you, they're going to get paid.
Is there any money to be had? Or is it just savings? Well, Kalilah said that Kalilah said that if I we have a baby, that she needs to be on the will. She needs to be on your will.
Yeah, of course because she's going to raise your child. Yeah, I got a life insurance policy.
If I die my kid's mom will get it all. How much is your life insurance policy for? Two mil.
Wow. You're worth a lot of did I tell you about the blowjob she gave me a couple weeks ago no oh go on I don't know if I should well I don't know if there's a problem but can I ask a question yeah so she likes this actor what's the actor that she likes who some Hispanic actor that she likes Michael Pena no if it's him I'd kill myself Fluffy Gabriel Iglesias yeah so anyway I go we were hooking up and I go blow me I go blow me like that actor the guy that you liked right and she did things that she's never done before to my day because she pretended you were who some other actor right I want to know who it is she lifted the shaft and she started licking my balls? And then she spit on it and she was like sucking on the head.
I was like, and I go, stop! I go, stop doing it like that! And then I got mad. I go, you do it better for the other guy? Yeah.
Of course. But that's okay.
But that should be okay in a healthy sexual relationship. Yeah, fantasy, fantasy, fantasy, fantasy.
You don't ever think she's somebody else? I want those moves too.

You just got them.

You got them, exactly.

Yeah, but as for me...

No, well,

you're not you anymore.

Yeah.

You're not you anymore.

You've been together too long.

Because if I'm eating out of a grocery day,

do it like Natalie Portman,

I wouldn't go

and do the whole fucking thing.

You'd sit and have a conversation

with her.

She's Natalie Portman.

She's an award-winning actress.

Yeah.

What do you mean?

Do you ever visualize she's somebody else? In my mind, maybe? Yes. Do you do it? You have to.
Yeah, you don't have a choice. You have to.
What do you mean? Once you've had sex with your significant other enough, your mind has to make up that there's something else. Absolutely, man.
We do role-playing. Oh, you do? What role-play? I'll say it

and then I'll see if it's okay to say it. Yeah.
Yeah, we'll see if it's okay. Hold on.
We do camp stuff. Like you're camping? No, like we're at a summer camp.
Like she's a counselor and you're a student? No shit. Dope.
What is her name? Does she have a counselor name? No, I just call her Counselor Kalilah. You're like, Counselor Kalilah.
Yeah, yeah. And she's like, yes, little boy.
How old are you in this fantasy? Are you Jewish? Do you put on a yarmulke? Is it Jewish summer camp? But I have asthma like Jewish people do. I have psoriasis like a Jew.
Oh, yeah, yeah. No dairy.
Go ahead. So I, yeah, I'm a kid.
You're a little boy and what happened? Did you be bad? Were you bad by the lake? Look at her. Is it uncomfortable? No, it's fine.
Okay, okay. Do you want her out? She can get out of the room while you tell this nasty story.
It's not nasty. Well.
It's beautiful. Okay.
Yeah. So I'll go like.
Did you get in trouble by the lake? What did you do? Huh? What did you do, bad boy? She's like, come here, Tammy. She'll give me a name.
Tammy? Yeah, yeah. I go, what did I do wrong? I'll do a voice.
Yeah. We're like, you know.
Yeah. And she's like, you here, Tammy.
She'll give me a name. I go, what did I do wrong? I'll do it with boys.
She's like, I told you to put away the equipment and you didn't put away the equipment. You left the balls out.
I was playing with Johnny and the boys. Or whatever.
She'll go, yeah, but when I say something, take your pants off. You need a spanking.
Okay. I'll go, okay.
Slowly, right? Meanwhile, like, when she sees the underwear, it's just already, right? Hard as a rock. I like it, right? Do you have on little boys underwear for the fantasy? Of course.
I only have tighty-whities. One pair.
One pair. There's a brown streak, and it all wet in the tip.
It's a tip. There's a tip there.
That's wet, yeah. And then she'll go, lay on your back.
I'm going to keep you spanking, right? And I'll go, I'll lay on my back, but how can you spank me if I'm on my back? Right? Right. She goes, you're clever, Timmy.
Right? And she goes, you know your magic stick?

I go, you mean my pee-pee?

Your magic stick.

And I go, my pee-pee.

Right?

You take out your pee-pee.

What are you going to do?

I'm scared.

I would say that.

You're scared?

I'm scared. Right? Yeah.
And then she okay you know i mean let me kiss it like a lollipop i'm already coming sure i mean that juices are just like you know i mean it's like bubbling yeah i mean like little fucking cum bubbles that's hot right right that is hot but then it's like you know i mean but then it turns into well I'm Timmy and she's on top of me she'll go she'll switch it up which is I don't like she's like I'm Mark now no something like that she'll go like do you like it Mark or Frank so I have to play a different character. Oh, she wants you to switch.

Right, right.

So she's now fucked everyone at the camp.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

She's like a serial.

She's like, run a train on me.

But now it turns into very aggressive.

Right.

Right, where like I've already,

now I'm Mark and I've already heard the rumors, right?

Right.

So you know what she's been up to.

So I knew all the things and I don't want to because maybe I'm gay or whatever. Right? So it turns into me trying to get – Not maybe.
Yeah. What? Not maybe.
Yeah. No, we are.
Does she choke you? Does she ever choke you? Oh my God. Yeah, yeah.
I'm so sorry. I was a little upset with you.
I was a little hypocritical of your fantasy when you were Timmy and all that and Andrew. That's why Andrew and I were looking at each other because the fantasy, even though he was just talking so much shit about us, his fantasy, I was presuming, was he was acting like he was white because he was like Timmy Franklin.
Until he said, I'm scared, then I knew he was Chinese in the fantasy. No, no, no, no.
You got it wrong. What? I am white.
In the fantasy? In the fantasy, I'm white, right? And what is she? Is she white in the fantasy too? She's Colombian is that white oh yeah no it's not it's no colombians are latina latina desposito joe joe biden she has like a mustache a little mustache okay yeah and uh i love a hairy she's a guy you know that in the in the scene yes oh yeah i did it i did it yes okay no she's a girl and uh no um and then like I scared don't oh bro he just

when I

scared Yeah, yeah, yeah. I did it.
I did it. Yes.
Okay. No, she's a girl.
And then I scared. Don't.
Oh, bro. He just.
When I say I scared, right, it's like, you know, not Asian. It's just a kid playing around, you know what I mean, with his accent a little bit.
Oh, okay. Right? So that's what it is.
So it is a white kid. Do you have fantasies of being a little white boy? Like often? I've had fantasies fantasies like that yeah do you ever fantasize of being not white me yeah yeah really of course i call those nightmares exactly dude i did this gig once i had a fan i had a fantasy that i wasn't so pale one time i had i've had fantasies that i was when i when my wife and i when we have sex we we play we role play really yeah but it's nothing like that it's always small happiness victories it's like we'll be fucking and she'll be like I fucking I paid for the new water heater and I'll be like oh you don't fucking she's like oh and I'm gonna fix the drought I might paint the bathroom by myself without your help oh and she's like oh and I'm gonna cook and clean and I'm not gonna say anything and I'm like oh yeah yeah yeah yeah and she's like and then also I invited a bunch of my friends over to just hang out with us and I'm like oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and she's like and then you can just like leave the country forever and go live somewhere else and then Bobby Lee's.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't ever do fantasy stuff.
I just imagine. I know she thinks I'm Tom Hardy.
She wishes I was Tom Hardy. Yeah.
That's her fucking fantasy. You never watch porn and do it? We'll watch porn and fuck.
That's fun. Yeah.
I watch porn and then she just blew me. Yeah.
But the first time as an adult I slept in a white person's house was I used to do these back in the 90s. I used to do these NACA.
Yeah, the college thing. The college thing.
Yeah. So you would go to like the regional thing, right? Did you ever do NACA? I did.
Did you ever go do colleges? I did. How many? Whenever I did NACA 2016 or something like that, I got like 30 of them.
Wow. That's what I did.
I did one in Indiana. He made real money.
Illinois, Indiana. So I had to go to Illinois and Indiana for a whole year, right? And do all the schools, right? That's fucking incredible.
But they would book you in clumps, so they would go like, alright, so Bobby's gonna play this school in Muncie, and then he's gonna go here, right? But two days here, we're not gonna fly him back home, right? So he has to stay somewhere. So they had me at a faculty old man's house and his wife.
And they lived in a wooden house, right? Crickety. And they go, so young man, bedtime's at 10.
And you're sleeping in the attic. I didn't even know what an attic was.
Weren't you like 30 years old when you were doing this? Oh, yeah. So go for two days.
I had no car, right? And they also lived nowhere near anything else. It was like the wooden house and just snow.
Oh, creepy. You were in Get Out.
Yeah, snow, right? You were in Get Out. And then I just remember smelling things that I've never smelled before.
Like foods?

No, it's...

White people's houses smell like

baseball glove mitts.

Oh, love it.

Oh, I love it.

Oh, God.

I love that.

In combination with

some sort of coffee-esque.

Yes, yes, yes.

Yes.

Right?

Yes.

And then some sort of like,

you know,

pumpkin spice.

Yes.

Yeah, yeah.

Always pumpkin.

Like a hint, right? A pumpkin spice in the air, right? Always. Pump's it's everything's you guys creak love to creak well we like creaky floors but you i don't know what if you do it with your mind or if you do it with your fucking body right but you guys love to make well because we believe in ghosts you know so we like creaky stuff freak us out yeah because we believe in ghosts there's only only ghosts are white there is no asian ghosts they don't you know what i mean that's ours and then look like a ghost.
Quilts. Fuck you and the quilt.
We love quilts. We love the Amish.
You know what's a great thing too? It's called a quillo. I used to have a quillo.
It's a quilt inside a pillow. Shout out the Amish people.
I just remember I don't go to bed. I've always, 4 or 5 in the morning.
Yeah. So mind you, and I'm starving.
You can't go to the kitchen before – you know what I mean? What? After 10, yeah. So then I'm like starving, 3 in the morning, no money, right? In a dark attic with a quilt.
It's freezing, right? Trembling, right? And you start thinking things like,

should I just get out of the business?

Why don't you go downstairs and just get food?

They wouldn't let you.

They had a rule that you couldn't do it.

And you didn't want to creak.

Yeah, I don't want to creak.

Also, I don't want to wake up with white people.

Don't you have those little shoes,

those little tiny shoes that tie your feet?

Don't you bind your feet?

Don't you guys bind your feet at night

to make your toes smaller?

Yeah.

How did you eat?

Did you bring your own chopsticks or did you just use their utensils? How do you eat so much pizza with chopsticks? You didn't want to go downstairs. You want to get out of the business.
But then what? What woke you up to stay in the business? The money? The checks? Bobby, close your eyes. Close your eyes.
Count to three. We're just kidding.
That's so racist. I'm just kidding.
That's the most racist thing I've ever heard. That's the most racist thing you've ever heard? My eyes are obviously closed, right? Oh, now they're open.
And then Chris goes, close your eyes. Right? I can't tell.
You really couldn't tell? Well, okay, close them now and let me see. Oh, yeah, no, not really.
Can't really fucking tell. The first thing, they didn't even know.
The people in Indiana didn't even know you were Asian, Bobby. They just thought you had allergies or something.
Like it's hay fever season. No, but can I ask you, Bobby, though? Why didn't you just go? Because I understand at that point, I know there was some money to be made.
So why didn't you just stay in like a Ramada or like a bullshit hotel instead of the weird white people's homes because back then I had such little money and control but you had the college books but they control everything back then they controlled everything they didn't send you the money right away imagine having no money in your bank account and relying on these checks and then but these checks you won't get for another four fucking months i understand it's a terrible way to live but and it's like at the time you know i had no choice and then the gigs were terrible you know you bit down those gigs sure yeah and you also feel scared to not do what they tell you to do absolutely so you're like if i if they told me i have to stay with these old fucking weirdos i have to because if i don't they'll go you're never working again we're gonna make sure that you don't you know that's the fear in your head is like well just play by their fucking rules and i'll just do what they ask me right dude for years i never asked for a better room you know when they like check in at the beginning and they put you in a hotel next to like the fucking dumpster in the basement next to like the elevator sure and i used to just be like i can't ask for a new room because i didn't pay for it and fucking they'll tell me to go fuck myself and then finally you get the confidence to be like hey can I not sleep near where the janitor masturbates at night like I don't want to be in the fucking crowded weird corner of the hotel and they're like oh yeah you just have to ask but you're nervous back then you don't want to fucking ruin the relationship you ask now I didn't ask now fuck yes what do you? But it just comes from a place. But I only started doing those things when I had my daughter because I started – a lot of self-worth came when I became a father because I would start to say, well, I need to feel good about myself and justify leaving her for X amount of time.

So if I'm going to be away from her, what helps me feel better about myself is if I'm ultimately comfortable and that's why I would upgrade the room so I would never introspectively look at myself until I had a daughter right but at the comedy club do you like if there's something not right with it would you say something yes and I wouldn't stay in the condo anymore just because I'd say I'd rather not do the gig than do the condo and it's not a I think I'm so good thing I'm a club owner right and you're headlining right and I say to you you come in I go hey Chris big fan haha love the podcast it's great oh yeah yeah but we love it and that Punjab what's his hairy guy that you do it with he's great Alfie oh yeah yeah he's Turkish very funny guy. Is he Punjab? Yeah, Yanni Smallheads.
So, anyway, there's no green room because during the day we do this one-man show. Todd McGivens is doing a one-man show.
He's fucking so funny. So funny.
He's doing a one-man show about his trauma and how he was molested by pygmies. Oh, really? Oh, Bobby Lee doesn't act just like that.
Yeah. Yeah.
And then I walk the fucking Italian guy. No, because, yeah.
He's Pearl Pygmy. Yeah.
And then he goes, anyway, so there's no green room. And it's weird.
It's like you do great numbers for us. Thank you so much.
But we don don't really have any water for you so if you can go across the street and go to the just go get your some water if you want some right no green room and you get your own water yeah but we have a hallway next to the bathroom so we have a couch there you can just hang out there yeah what would you say initially I would have just done it and taken it but today yeah today I would just say no you have to you have to go you have to go get me water I would tell him you have to fucking go get me water and then and then if he didn't I obviously you know because I'm US passport or whatever I brandish my weapon and I put it in his fucking mouth and I'd say listen fuck nuts yeah yeah either you go get me some fucking aquafinas right now, some jelly donuts with some straws. Because I've never done drugs, so instead I snort the jelly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or I'm going to fucking put two in the back of your skull.
I'm going to get away with it because my father's a criminal. That's what I'd say to him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's what I'd say to him.
You wouldn't really say that. Yeah, and then I'd.
Without the gun, you would say that, probably. I would probably say something similar.
Yeah, yeah. I'd say something like, yeah, I'm not.
You have to go get me the water now get me the water now because fuck them. It's like they can't treat me that way anymore.
But I say that. But again, that's probably more fantasy because probably I guess – yeah, maybe I would.
I don't know. I'd probably call my mom and ask her to tell me what to do.
I'd say go to – yeah. I don't know.
I don't have a good answer. I would probably do even something like I'd be passive aggressive.
You are fine. Passive passive aggressive I'd say that's fine it's just that I'll just tell every and I don't know if you know but I know everyone I'd just tell everyone to play this role you know what he would do he would come on this show and talk shit about it and light him on fire and then the internet would take course of it and then the club owner or someone would reach out to him or a manager and go, hey, why did you say that about the thing? And then he would let other people deal with the ramifications.
The ramifications, yeah. He's very good at that.
No, but that's smart. He drops a bomb and goes, they'll figure it out.
You've got to put people to protect you. You're so funny.
No, I had a couple of bombs, a couple of zero. You guys met met at Open Anthony? Yeah.
Did you ever do Open Anthony? Never. Yeah.
That was like the last, that was like the New York fucking cool thing. But it was also like, I had no connection in New York.
I started out here and I continued my career out here and I never, when I went to New York, the only reason I got spots is because they knew who I was by the time I got stuff out here. I understand.
And when I went to New York, people were like, you're going to bounce around and do shows? I didn't fucking know anybody. I'd do The Stand or Stand Up New York or whoever would let me in.
But that's where you learned, I learned how to do podcasting. Open Anthony.
It's Open Anthony. Same with me.
Because when I went there, I'm like, because you know how you do normal radio shows? And like, so we don't talk about sex here. We don't talk about, just do your act.
That's what works here. You know what I mean not fun they're like Bobby you're from South Korea right tell us about it yeah but then Opie and Anthony they're like you were molested ha ha ha or whatever and I was like oh I like it yeah yeah I was ha ha ha and Opie and Anthony and it was good because what I learned would learn the hard way and they kept inviting me back which I was thankful for because it did not go well the first few times is when you bomb, there's no fake laugh.
When you bomb, they fuck like if you bomb in front of like one time I was on. It was me, Rich Voss, Bobby Kelly, Colin Quinn, Opie and Anthony.
And I said something that fucking bombed. And then it was which if that was a radio show, they would just laugh and high and then move on.
And what do you think about it, Colin? But it's not that it then the camera's on you and it's like what the fuck are you doing and then it's just and then it's just for an hour just ripping yeah i love it but that's how you get the skin you know i you know the first time i did it did you know that i left yeah when you started to cry or whatever yeah yeah so i remember that i didn't know what it was right so i show up it was norton um it was greg it was patrice it was a bunch of people right and they were ripping on me so hard I didn't know what it was, right? So I show up. It was Norton.
It was Greg.

It was Patrice.

It was a bunch of people, right?

Yeah.

And they were ripping on me so hard.

I didn't know what it was.

And I just stood up and I left.

You walked out.

Yeah.

And then so the next year, I had to do it again.

And I looked at the press thing.

I go, oh, you got to do it again.

Right?

But this time, I go, I'm going to go like self-deprecating myself yes smart right yeah i'm fat i'm ugly i mean just i went crazy and that's what fit in there you know i mean so yeah it was really hard at first but it's it it changed the way i approached things man it was a really cool show you just have to get used to i remember like one time Piff the Magic Dragon came in and he was a little late and I felt bad because he's like, I'm stuck in traffic. He's got his fucking dragon costume on even though he sells tickets.
Who the fuck is that? Jesus, it's got to suck. You don't know him? No.
Yeah. America's Got Talent.
Yeah, like one America's Got Talent. He's got millions of dollars but he's got to walk around in a fucking dragon suit.
Yeah. And I remember he was like late.
He does magic. Yeah, so you know, you feel bad.
You're like, what the fuck? This kid's in a dragon suit. It was the summertime, but he's got to do it.
It's the actor. He's making real money.
So he sat down, and some sandwich shop had come with sandwiches, and I went to go give Piff a piece of the sandwich because I felt bad, and Jim Norton was like, don't give him any food. This isn't a fucking fort.
And then he just... And then Jim...
And then Jim... He said...
And I was like, I just want to give the kid a sandwich. He goes, give him a piece of food, get the fuck off my show.
And I was like, oh, this is great. He said, this isn't a fort.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's just how they are, but it's great.
Wait, I don't know. Why do I not know who Piff is? You would have killed on Opie and Anthony.
You would have been the guy for them. If you lived in New York, you would have been a regular there.
You and Norton, all those guys. I wish I lived in New York.
When I started, I started out here, and I thought it was a bad decision, but I already moved out here. Right.
For me, it was like, am I going to move to New York or am I going to move to L.A.? Well, the difference between living in New York and L.A. is you have a Mercedes and I have a Chevy Equinox.
That's the difference. We talked about this the other day.
The funniest quote that Tim Dillon ever said to me is like, I got to get the fuck out of New York. All my heroes take the train joe rogan's going to gigs and spaceships and shit yeah he would i mean honestly it's it's it but the difference is like we just the difference from why i had to start out here i think was new york to me was too tough in my mind i was like i'll never make it in that comedy scene out there there's fucking because they're all're all, most of you guys are East Coast guys that grew up there, right?

Yes.

Yeah, not out here.

It's assholes from everywhere.

So it was more comfortable for me to go,

if I'm going to go to a place

where most people aren't from there,

at least we'll have that in common.

Yeah.

Right, that you're from,

even you from San Diego,

it's like, this isn't your home.

You know, so like,

even the guys that are local here,

no one's fucking from here.

Right.

Like the only guys I can think

that were born and raised in LA were like,

shit, I don't know, what famous comic, what comics do we know they're born and raised here guys I can think that were born and raised in LA were like, shit,

I don't know,

what famous comic,

what comics do we know

that were born and raised here?

I can't name fucking one.

I don't know any of my friends

that were born and raised here.

They were born and raised

in Los Angeles.

In LA?

No.

I don't know any,

I mean,

near LA,

a lot of guys are from like

either Riverside or Inland

or Orange County or,

but no one's from like

Hollywood or LA.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No.

Right, yeah.

I can't think of anybody.

So I felt comfortable

because then

whenever I go to New York

it's like,

you're all from Brooklyn

or Queens or whatever

Thank you. but no one's from Hollywood or LA.
Yeah, yeah. Right, yeah.
I can't think of anybody. So I felt comfortable because then whenever I go to New York, it's like you're off of Brooklyn or Queens or whatever.
I'm like, that's like your home, so you're already safe. Right.
To me, that was the scariest thing. Yeah, I think too, sometimes people, I remember early on, would be like, oh, it's crazy really taking a leap doing comedy.
It's like, I'm not. I'm taking the train six stops to fucking live my dream.
This was insane for us. This is insane.
What you guys did is left your home to come. That, to me, is way more impressive than I literally took.
If it didn't work, I could just take the train back. I was living with my mother.
If it never worked out, what were you going to do? I was a physical therapist. I was a pediatric physical therapist.
I had a doctorate degree. I have it still in physical therapy.
So I just fucking was a pediatric physical therapist when the pandemic hit Governor Cuomo from New York just gave every healthcare professional that's licenses had expired or lapsed they didn't have any criminality on it or anything they just reinstated our license I got an email, they were like congratulations so now I'm a licensed physical therapist I could give both of you guys advice on camera no problem,. No, I cannot be sued.
Really? And I haven't done it in six years. It's been lapsed for whatever, six, seven years.
Yeah, I left. I became a professional comedian or left physical therapy to do comedy full time in 2013.
So yeah, seven years. So you were taking on PT clients while you were still doing stand-up? Oh, of course, dude.
That's how I used to go. Any show I got on in the beginning would be doing the open mics and then either bringing three people, handing out flyers but most of them were.
Hey, I have a bar show. I don't know who you are but heard you're a physical therapist which is a doctor to them.
Can you take a look at my back or my knee or so many dicks? I'm not even trying to be funny. It's like so many comedians would be like can you look at my penis? For what like something wrong STDs and I'd be like but I'm a physical therapist like I can I give massages they were like just looking look at my dick look at my dick and I'd be like look I'm not licensed to tell you this but it is herpes but I'm not but don't but then they would give me spots on the show so so many comedians thatians that, like, I've looked down their fucking dick holes many times,

and they're like, oh, okay, go up, go do five.

Who's got the nicest?

The nicest, truly, the nicest dick I've ever seen,

and it's, by the way, it's clean as a fucking whistle.

Comic?

Dan Soder.

Sody!

Sody.

Beautiful, beautiful cock.

Beautiful cock, absolutely. Because he's got that deep, guttural voice, too.

And clean, clean, clean.

Who's the dirtiest?

Dirtiest dick I've ever seen. Gary Goldman.
What? Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta. Who's the dirtiest cock that I really saw that was like, oof, there were like flies coming up.
No. He seems like he has a dirty dick.
I don't know. I don't have a dirty penis.
My penis is clean. I can't think off the top of my head now who had just a real – Joe DeRosa.
Dis cock Fucking pig No Joe DeRosa's clean clean clean We were talking about Joe yesterday No I love you Joey D Joey Joey Joe DeRosa Yeah but that's Well it's funny to think that you You could If this all falls apart You could still do PT Like if this falls apart You're not You're fucked Like if you get out of comedy You you can't do anything. You'd be a great PT, by the way.
Asians are great PTs. Thank you.
I'll do PT. Because they have little hands.
They get in between the bones. I'll go right in between the bones.
PT, PT. Yeah, they go PT.
Oh, most of them are Filipino. You know, it's offensive that you say that.
Like first, I would have to work, I would figure it out. No, you wouldn't.
It's like if there was a zombie apocalypse, right? Oh my God, is it gonna going to go, okay, I'm going to die. Yep.
No. No, no, no.
I'm going to go. You? Yes.
No, I'm going to do the fucking. What is this? No, Bobby.
I'm going to fucking. No, dude.
The window, right? And the fucking wood plant. I'm going to board it up.
I'm boarding up the windows. Yeah, board it right.
No, you're not. You don't have a hammer in your house or nails or fucking wood.
Dude, I'm gonna fucking farm, dude. Shovel, baby.
We gotta eat. I'm gonna farm, plant seeds, organic seeds.
This is a guy that orders food every fucking night. He's never cooked in his life.
Bobby is very smart and very, I remember when he went out for that breakfast after the first time we met, you were the one who told me, you said, hey, you should have some real estate, you should invest. You're very good and smart with your money.
Thank you. Very good and smart with his money.
with your money thank you very good i don't remember that but thank you i'm gonna put the barbed wire i'm gonna do it put the barbed wire on the top of the fucking fence right you know what i'm gonna do cement brick layer no the chinese do that yeah and they're good at it they're good at it, too. They're good at it, the Chinese.
Right?

And then put the fucking pole in the ground so when they get stabbed, right?

Here's you. Here's you in reality.

It's a zombie apocalypse.

Oh, there's going to be no internet?

Yeah, there will.

There will be?

You think nerds are going to take – nerds will preserve the internet before anything else.

Everything else will fail.

They're like, we need to have fucking internet.

You'll still be online playing a game.

There was a Korean zombie film on Netflix called Hashtag Alive. Pretty good, right? Never seen it.
Yeah, and it's about a Korean kid, right? He lives in an apartment complex. Everyone goes zombie, right? And he now has to survive.
When I was watching the movie, I did think, oh, I'd die.

I would die.

You wouldn't.

I think you're a survivor,

Bobby.

No,

you're wrong.

You are a survivor.

I need like ramen or something,

you know what I mean?

I couldn't,

it's right there.

I got you the lobster flavor for your birthday.

Oh God,

lobster sounds like the fucking word.

This is a nang shim,

bowl noodle,

savory soup,

lobster artificially flavored. It's BPA free.
No offense, no offense. But I'm not going to take it.
Are you serious? Yeah, no offense. I bought you a gift.
That's food. That's a dollar.
No, it's not. But then I bought you the chocolate chip espresso cake.
I don't know why. You know what's so funny? I went out of my way to get this cake and knowing that see this is a relationship that you have to understand about.
I already knew that this was a waste of money and time, but I did it anyway for him.

Because unconditional love is what you have for him.

It's the thought that counts out.

I'm going to say that the cake in itself, right?

I'm probably not going to eat it.

Of course not.

But the idea that you went out of your way to buy it, it flutters my heart.

But that could be the blood pressure medication.

Yeah, that could.

That probably is.

It probably is.

It could be having a stroke.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I thank you so much for it. Do you mean it? Yeah.
Can I nitpick a bit? Yeah. Yeah.
I like to nitpick, right? Yeah, because I know it's coming. Yeah, it's just, you know, because, you know, I got cakes from my girlfriend last night, right? And you could tell that it was from a high-end, like a high-end bakery.
And that, you know, she put like a month in.

It's one of those places

like you got to let us

know a month in advance

because we enrich the wheat

or whatever,

however they make cake, right?

Yeah, they enrich the wheat.

Yeah, and we get like,

you know what I mean,

Himalayan salt.

Double zero flour.

And we use, you know what I mean,

duck eggs instead of regular.

You know what I mean?

Sure.

They really...

Well, for you, yeah.

Yeah, everything's organic and American free, right? But this was like Ralph's. That's Ralph's.
Two things. We made 10,000 of these and we don't give a fuck.
First of all. How much is that? $3.99.
First of all. It costs a dollar if we put stuff on top of the sheet.
That's what that is. It was $18.99.
Yeah. That's Von's.
Yeah. Okay.
No, really, where'd you get that from. Theo? Vons.
Yeah, exactly. It's not from a bakery.
It's from the bakery at Vons the grocery store. Oh, yeah.
And a woman said, I said, can you write stuff on cakes? She said, no, we usually can't write stuff anymore because of people want obscenities or something gross and we can't do that. So you did that.
No, she said, but I will write happy birthday. I said, well, will you write you write his nickname yeah and she said uh i don't think we can i said it's my friend bobby lee she goes the comedian i said yeah and she goes i i love him i said really she goes yes she goes i'll be right back so she wrote happy birthday sleepy bobo noodles i did not tell her to say that she wrote that bonds for racism'm going to sue Vaughn's for racism.
She wrote that. Why?

She was Asian. Oh, that's fine then.

She was Asian. So I

appreciate the gesture. It's in my heart.

Martha at Vaughn's. It's ghetto shit.

Oh, this is ghetto shit? Elevate your game.

This is ghetto shit. Elevate your game.
Is there anything fun

if you cut into it? Yeah.

Am I not right, Italian? Don't do it. It'll end everything.
Yeah, it'll end the episode. No, it'll end everything.
Do it, you fucking putsy! You appreciate the gesture, right? Please don't do it. Do it! And then I'll fucking punch him in the face.

Exactly.

Threaten me again.

Do it.

Say I won't do it.

All right.

I'm going to do it, but I will do it.

I promise you.

Okay.

But I promise you, if that cake hits my face, you haven't seen the side of me, and it's going to cause problems.

All right?

You think I'm scared of you, bitch?

Yeah. You think I'm fucking scared of you? You're a full-blown pussy, right? If you don't fucking throw that cake at my face.
So you said, don't throw it at your face and now you want me to throw it at your face. I don't want you to do it, but you're a pussy if you don't.
But if you do it, it's going to end the podcast. Oh, this is it forever? This is the.
This is the last episode. But you're a pussy if you throw it.
How much longer are you going to do the podcast anyway, though, dude? Maybe another week or two. Do it, dude.
Do it. You fucking Democrat.
He's not going to do it. You know why? No, I'm kidding.
No, do you know why? I'm not going to throw it. No, you know why, won't you? He's not going to throw it.
Do you know why? Because he's a pussy. No, no, because I'll have to clean it up.
Right. Because he doesn't do anything here.
He's a lazy piece of shit. He shows up late and doesn't contribute at all.
Right. So I don't want to clean it up.
Or worse comes to worse, he'll make fucking, he'll make Rudy clean it up, which is even more disgusting. Is it good, the cake? You didn't bring any utensils.
No, no, there's utensils there if we want to eat it. Let's eat it.
Happy birthday, you piece of shit. Happy birthday.
Look into the camera there, there Chris and say thank you for being a bad friend

Thank you for being a bad friend

Let Chris say it

Thank you for being a bad friend

You're an animal

Now say it

Thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you.

Happy Birthday, Sleepy Bobo ft. Chris Distefano

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