Happy Birthday, Sleepy Bobo ft. Chris Distefano

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Speaker 2 Come see me and Christy Stefano on the East Coast as I do October 8th, 9th, 10th, and 11th. Go to AndrewSantino.com.
You can find out where I'm doing all that stuff. You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 I think I'm an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends.

Speaker 2 Bro, Jules, fuck, man. She's acting like Allie Sheety from the breakfast club today.
Why, what happened? She wore the mask on the car right over as if I fucking have it. And I go,

Speaker 2 are you going to take it off? She's like, no.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 Whoa, hothead. That's fucking crazy.
Introduce our guest, Bobo. We're not starting yet.
Yeah, we are. Let's get into it.
Did you see I bought you a cake? Yo, you smell fucking good, dude. What is it?

Speaker 2 Scent. Shut up, Chrissy.
No, I swear to God, man. I'll fuck you on my birthday pre postponing.
Oh, happy birthday.

Speaker 2 Happy birthday.

Speaker 2 Happy.

Speaker 2 What did you get me? Can we sing? What did I get you? Yeah. Fuck you.
I let you have the day off yesterday and I bought you a cake that says happy birthday song. I had a cake yesterday, friend.

Speaker 2 How many cakes am I going to get, friend? I got to do a birthday gift.

Speaker 2 Give him his birthday gift. Give him his birthday.
You see what it says on here? It says, Happy birthday, sleepy bobo noodle. Oh, shit.
And how old are you?

Speaker 2 How old are you, sleepy bobo noodle? No. How old are you? 32.
No, you're not. You're 49 years old.

Speaker 2 But that's only seven in Chinese years.

Speaker 2 I look good, though. Hey, can we play this? To be honest, dude, when you see China, happy birthday.

Speaker 2 Stick it there. Stick it.
Stick it.

Speaker 2 Okay, happy birthday. And then also,

Speaker 2 $1.

Speaker 2 No, I got it from the guest. $1.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 I got everybody chocolate chip fucking bars, espresso cum cake things from the French. From the French across the street.

Speaker 2 You want these?

Speaker 2 Here, move your braces.

Speaker 2 Here's some forks.

Speaker 2 I got no COVID or anything like that. Happy birthday.
I've not touched that ever.

Speaker 2 Happy.

Speaker 2 Hey.

Speaker 2 Let me play this, Andres. I want to play this for you because this is from my family to yours.

Speaker 2 This is happy birthday in Korean. Let's all sing along for Bobby.
Let's do it.

Speaker 2 Happy birthday to you.

Speaker 2 You're welcome, dude. That was so nice.
They don't do shit like that for you in North Korea. No, they don't.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 2 Can I say this? Yes, yes. Tracy? Yes.
All right.

Speaker 2 Have you ever met anyone from North Korea? Yes. Yes.
No, you haven't. Yes.
It's like an Eskimo. You've never met an Eskimo.
You've read about them all in the books and the fairy tales. What the fuck?

Speaker 2 You can play with them in video games, maybe. But you've never met one.
I've met someone from North Korea. Who, who? What's his name? It's a girl.
It was a girl. Whoa.

Speaker 2 Concubine? Was she concubine? She was concubine. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 She was a slave that escaped. She was a female slave that escaped.

Speaker 2 She was working, I think, in like a shoemaking factory, and she escaped. Bro, Koreans don't sweat.
That's a fucking fact. You can Google that.
I swear to God.

Speaker 2 They don't sweat, and they got the gene where the sweat doesn't smell. That's a fact.
You can Google that. He smells.

Speaker 2 He smells fantastic. I've never had deodorant.
I know, but you smell, though.

Speaker 2 I analyzed it. I have a microscopic equipment at home.
There's no pores down there. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 It's like fucking an android skin, dude. Just poreless.
You don't sweat? No. I bleed.
I know, but you bleed. He bleeds.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
And it'll come.

Speaker 2 Dude's coming on my pit. No, no, it's an actual thing.
I'm not even making it out of it. If you Google, they have a thing in genes, one of the enzymes that produce Koreans specifically where they...

Speaker 2 It's either they don't sweat or the sweat doesn't smell. Yeah, but Chris, how come, hey, how come fucking white dudes smell like shit?

Speaker 2 Not just Koreans.

Speaker 2 You jog 20 feet and you smell the pit? It's like fucking

Speaker 2 Beirut fucking

Speaker 2 water. I gotta be honest with you, I used to smell a lot, but then recently, over the past like six months, I've been on estrogen therapy because I'm transitioning.

Speaker 2 Are you serious, dude?

Speaker 2 Yeah, so I've been on estrogen therapy and I don't smell anymore. I don't smell.
Yeah. Are you really agreeing?

Speaker 2 By the way, I want us to look at the camera real quick because yesterday or whenever this comes out, Andrew let me on his podcast, Whiskey Ginger. Thank you very much.

Speaker 2 And I told everybody that I was gay and I said I was being very serious. And I'm not.
I'm a heterosexual male.

Speaker 2 I just want to let everyone know I was kidding around, but I am not, I am a straight male. Now, why do you think people think you might be gay?

Speaker 2 Because I looked in the camera. You sit up straight?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Because I looked in the camera on the podcast the other day and said I was gay, but I am not gay.
So I want to say, nope, I'm straight. Okay.

Speaker 2 But there's a few things that might give it away that you might be gay. What is that? You got good skin, you got straight teeth, you wear jewelry, you are nice and in great shape.

Speaker 2 You're always at the gym. You only hang out with dudes.
Yes. All right.
I'll tell you why you're gay. Why? Can Can I tell you what you're gay? Yes.
Because

Speaker 2 when I see dudes like you that are like, you know, handsome with your body size, you know what I mean? You're a handsome guy. Phenomic?

Speaker 2 It goes Dane Cook. It goes, there's people ahead of you.
It goes Dane Cook.

Speaker 2 It goes Dane Cook. Dane Cook.
A couple of Hubble Micros I know. A couple of Hubble Microscopes I know.
Your friend right here? Yeah, he's a handsome guy.

Speaker 2 Take off his hat. Take off your hat.
Look at this guy's hairline. It doesn't stall.
Where does it start at? Stop.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. Look at how hairy he is.
Oh, fuck. No, Bobby, don't, Bobby, don't, Bobby.
Oh, fuck. I'll motherfuck you.
Dude. Oh, fuck.
You're a suck, my chick, suck. You take out good hair like that.

Speaker 2 I'll start this.

Speaker 2 Whoa. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 I'm not gay. That's full block gay.
I'm not gay. What percentage? Can I finish my point? Yeah, please.
Can I finish my point, okay?

Speaker 2 Usually, that dude look like him, right? They bully me a bit, right? They're like, hey, my little hopsy. They always say that.
Put me in a little head and they give me a nookie, right?

Speaker 2 He's like gentle. Gentle.
Yeah, he's soft. Gay.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's why. Yeah.
But, no,

Speaker 2 you're not aggressive. I'm not aggressive.
I don't know. Like I said on the podcast the other day, I don't know that I'm gay, but I will say confidently that

Speaker 2 I have sex with women, but I fall in love with men. So

Speaker 2 I would very much.

Speaker 2 You're emotionally gay. I'm emotionally gay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But and yeah, so, but and I have nothing against the gay community at all.
Nothing against I support and like the gays.

Speaker 2 Well, but I am not gay.

Speaker 2 I'm not gay. Okay.
I do, but I'm not gay, but I am a Democrat, so I don't know. But you're because they're mostly gay.
Democrats? Yeah.

Speaker 2 What do you think the percentage of Democrats that are gay? I thought 100%. Oh, all of them? Like, like somebody, somebody.
Bobby's a Dem.

Speaker 2 What? Bob's a Dem. Yeah, but Bob's gay.
He told me he's gay.

Speaker 2 Like somebody the other day, somebody was walking, and he's like, yo, and they said the F word. They're like, you fucking F's.

Speaker 2 And I was like, oh, I thought I was like, I'm, I thought it was like a Democratic rally or something like that.

Speaker 2 Right. I was like, oh, those guys vote for Joe Biden, which is fine.
That's fine. Who are you going to vote for? Huh? Who are you going to vote for?

Speaker 2 In the November election? Yeah.

Speaker 2 D-O-N-A-L-D-T-E.

Speaker 2 M-P.

Speaker 2 No. Trump.
Trump. Trump.
Trump.

Speaker 2 See?

Speaker 2 Holy shit.

Speaker 2 I feel at home when he does that, though. I feel at home.
I feel very comfortable. This is why we built the wall.

Speaker 2 We built the wall for you. We built the wall.
We're going to build the wall with the bodies of dead Democrats. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm kidding, buddy. I'm kidding.

Speaker 2 You hear about the North Korean, though, that escaped, right? Lived in South Korea for a little bit, and he goes, fuck this, and went back. Really? Was that much better? Wow.

Speaker 2 No, he just couldn't deal how good it was. It was too nice.
It's free, bobo-free. You know what I mean? Like when they get milk tea in fucking North Korea, they probably don't even get free bobo.

Speaker 2 No, no, he was like, it's aside.

Speaker 2 Yeah, or aside. Pussy? I can get pussy anytime I want.
You know what I mean? Look, it's overwhelming. You're saying, by the way, look at the forest.

Speaker 2 Look at the TV what you asked. Not just Koreans, but East Asians in general.
Koreans or any human for that matter wouldn't last very long without the ability to sweat. So humans all produce body odor.

Speaker 2 Having said that, East Asians do have less

Speaker 2 Akron sweat glands, which results in reduced ability to sweat. There you go.
So you might have to do that. I have like two Aprican sweat glands.
Yeah. Show them.

Speaker 2 There it is. Yeah.
There and there. Yeah.
Right none. Have you been doing a little bit of working out? Your muscles look a little bit.
You do look good. It's fat.
It's fat. Fuck you.
No, no, no.

Speaker 2 Jiggle the bottom. Jiggle the bottom.
That's how you know. No.
No, you look good. You look Apocranian fridge.
You look good.

Speaker 2 But you know what? You know what? Honestly, going back to the guy who escaped from North Korea to South Korea and then went back to North Korea, there is a freedom in communism, I would imagine.

Speaker 2 When you don't have much choice.

Speaker 2 Like, you ever watch Netflix and and it's like there's so many choices, like, oh, there's nothing on TV. With communism, there's no choices.
You just have to do it.

Speaker 2 So I could see if you were a product of that and then you go back. It's like in-and-out.
It's a freedom. In-and-outs communist, right? They're like burger with or without cheese.
I kind of like that.

Speaker 2 I don't want all the options. You know, like track homes, all the houses that look the same.
Yeah. Like, if your dad was like kind of a bum, right? And he lived in a track home.

Speaker 2 And then your friends in the same neighborhood's dad is a doctor, they could brag all they want, right? They can go, my dad's a doctor. Our houses look exactly the same.
Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's true.

Speaker 2 I don't think think your dad, who would be a bum, would have a track home, though. I don't think he would have a home.
The mom works. The mom works.
So that you're being a majority of the majority.

Speaker 2 What does she do? What? Well, what does she do? She works for a track home. Oh, the track home company.
Yeah, no, she cleans the house. How's it going? She's a maid.
She's Mexican. Your mom does?

Speaker 2 What size is your mom's? What size is your mom's feet? I always.

Speaker 2 Small feet. Is that for women? Women three.
Is that the women three? Yeah, yeah. Small feet.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's like a kid's half.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Your mom has tiny little feet? No, my mom has beautiful feet, dude. I bet you mock you.
My mom has the prettiest feet. Have you ever seen his mom? No.

Speaker 2 Like a hammerhead shark. Fucking real.
One eye's over here, the other one's over here. Oh, it's unbelievable.

Speaker 2 It's unbelievable. Seriously, you talk shit about my mom all the time.
My mom is a fucking Beldewisp beast. A Beldewist? A Beldewisp beast.
A Bildewis beast?

Speaker 2 Your mom is a Bilde Bear, and the fucking eyeballs are on his cheek and its forehead. It's a fucking birthday, dude.
You already attacked my mom. Yesterday was your birthday.
Yesterday.

Speaker 2 Yo, there's post and pre. I got you a cake.
I got you a cake.

Speaker 2 You know I'm not going to eat it.

Speaker 2 i know why don't you eat it you don't like the sweets no i have a fucking you know how many cakes i got from last night so what keep eating cakes netflix send me a fucking cake why did netflix send you a cake but it felt not good did they really

Speaker 2 felt good that just some young girl you know me the hipster girl they send you a cake yeah does bobby lee live here and i was just smoking a cigar i'll go yo

Speaker 2 what's up

Speaker 2 i got a cake like she didn't want to be there i got a cake

Speaker 2 it was the cast of cuties was on it yeah yeah

Speaker 2 i've you I've only been a couple things, but that was really nice. On Netflix, you've been on a few times.

Speaker 2 Yay.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. That was Ripper.

Speaker 2 I got COVID now, huh? No, no, I got to say that. I told you, let's test a negative.
Oh, okay. He tested the negative.
Test a negative test.

Speaker 2 No. Yeah.
No, no, no. Yes, you can.
The CDC said you can collect COVID one of three ways.

Speaker 2 In a small room with other people, after confined spaces and times, breathing, spitting, and also any sort of fecal matter that's in the air. So if you fart, fecal matter is in the air.

Speaker 2 I could huff your fecal matter and I could get COVID. But I'm wearing Lululemon pants.
I know. Oh, they're $110 pants.
So they're not going to go through this.

Speaker 2 And I just told you, I tested negativol for COVID. Yeah, but

Speaker 2 what if it's a false negative? That's true, too. It could be a false negative.
Those Lulu's? These are Lulu. Expensive, yeah.

Speaker 2 You smile a bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me see. You know what?

Speaker 2 Fuck your teeth. Your fucking gums.
Too big.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Let me see.
You don't have big gums. No, what do you mean you smile?

Speaker 2 You know, Bobby has 19 teeth? Really? Yeah, yeah. He's missing most of his teeth.

Speaker 2 Really? There's one going. I'm saying.
You got another one going? Yeah, Frankie. Frankie's got to go? Oh, no.
What happened to him? I name all my teeth. Frankie G's gone.
Why?

Speaker 2 Hey, bro, I can't do it anymore.

Speaker 2 Now ask him what Frankie had. Ask what I am.
Frankie had a tooth.

Speaker 2 And so there's a hole in Frankie. Like, he got shot in the head.
Oh.

Speaker 2 And then when the wind goes in there, everyone suffers. It whistles? No, everyone goes, ow.
Imagine if you open your mouth and a car's going down the road. It's like,

Speaker 2 frankie g got shot and he's dead and he's gone are you gonna have it removed are you gonna let it fall because now the um the nerve i think the nerve died oh

Speaker 2 so since the pandemic since the pandemic hey since the hey since the pandemic since the pandemic um um i've been in a lot of pain i never told you that wait seriously you've been in pain this whole time yeah you know when because you know when the whole got frankie g is whole and then there's a nerve that's sticking at frankie g's head you could see the fucking nerve well you can't see the fucking nerve matter of fact i don't have that kind of equipment you said you had a microscopic thing to check out your asparagus.

Speaker 2 I'm from the Mavi. Apocryphin, Apocrypha.
Apricot. Apocrypha, Apocryphan.
But no,

Speaker 2 no, the thing is, but I've been in a lot of pain.

Speaker 2 So are you going to use that as an excuse? Are you going to do another thing or no?

Speaker 2 What's another thing? Well, you know, you use pain as your trauma as an excuse for all sorts of fucked up shit that you'd end up doing. I'm saying.

Speaker 2 But like what? Give me an example.

Speaker 2 Being late, not texting back, not hanging out, not returning calls.

Speaker 2 You love it. Yeah, I do.
That's why I got it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 2 It's good to be on top.

Speaker 2 Are you jealous of our white privilege?

Speaker 2 That's why I said it. Let's gang up on it.
I want to see what this was. Let's gang up on him.
Yeah. Now I know what it is.

Speaker 2 I know what it is. I know what it is.
It's the winning team.

Speaker 2 The winning team. What they say? What they say, cahoots.

Speaker 2 You're in what they say, cahoots. I'm nothing about you, dude.
We're not doing that. You know what you are? What we say, caute.

Speaker 2 See?

Speaker 2 That's another thing I found out. What?

Speaker 2 You're gay. So what do you mean? Nothing.
I'm not kidding. I know, but you know what, dude? Let me say this, though, and I'm going to say this openly.
Please, seriously.

Speaker 2 That let's just suppose Jesus came down.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, not God, just some Mexican guy.
No, Jesus. And he goes,

Speaker 2 you know, you must, you know what I mean? Fuck one comedian, male comedian. Right? He's saying that to you? He's saying that to me.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Do you even want to? He might be.

Speaker 2 He might be in the top. I'd have to, him.
There's a couple of other guys. Who are the top five? That I would fuck? Correct.
Well, a couple of them are canceled, so I don't want to name them. Okay.

Speaker 2 I know who. I know who.
Tom DeLuise. Dom De Luise.

Speaker 2 No, I would say the ones that aren't. So I would probably.
He's up there, and then

Speaker 2 I'd have to say Jeselnik. Yeah.
I'd have to say Jesel Neck. He seems like he'd be a dead fish.
Yeah. He's just angry.
Like, he has a frow. He would just take it.
Yeah, take it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he would just take it. And he's also emotionalist.
He's like a Romulan to me. There's a lot of,

Speaker 2 who would I have? I have sex with somebody fun like Earthquake. Yeah!

Speaker 2 But He's just funner to say I fucked Earthquake. I fucked Earthquake.

Speaker 2 I'd fuck him. I'd bang Earthquake.
Lavelle Carlos. And then another guy.
Tig Notaro, I'd bang. Yeah, it's a big one.
That's a big leap. That's a big leap.

Speaker 2 That's a big leap. From Earthquake to Tig.

Speaker 2 I would fuck him too. Tig.
Yeah. I'd fuck him.
I'd go after the big dogs. Yeah.
Yeah, who? Rock, Chappelle,

Speaker 2 just for the clout. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because then I have something. Then I hold what Kim.
Why I'd hold it above their head. Everyone would fuck The Rock.
Everyone would, even though Jesus is coming down. Chris Rock.
Oh, no, no. No.

Speaker 2 No, I'm saying because I'd hold it above him. I'd be okay.

Speaker 2 People I still to this day jerk off to.

Speaker 2 I jerk off a lot to Barbara Walters. I still jerk off to Barbara Walters.
Yes.

Speaker 2 You used to be big into Larry King. Now you're not big into him anymore? No.

Speaker 2 Now most people I jerk off to is

Speaker 2 I jerk off to Barbara Walters.

Speaker 2 I jerk off to Tucker Carlson a lot from Fox News. Yes.
And I jerk off a lot to LeBron James. Oh.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, since we're opening up, I jerk off to, you know, that scene in Silence of the Lambs when they when they fucking flip the girl over and she had strips of flesh missing from her back yeah that's it that's it

Speaker 2 i jerk off something about yeah it's just something about it i jerk off a lot to jodi foster but from nell you ever seen the movie nell when she's being raised in the woods by wolves i jerk off dirt because there's one scene where they show full bush and i like that oh jodi foster huh yes but from nell not from silence of the lambs jerry maguire yeah the beginning scene in jerry when kidding gets takes his uh thing off when he says show me the money that's when i come yeah he says i went to arizona state jerry i bust right there yeah that's the real sex scene at the beginning of that movie is so hot.

Speaker 2 It is really hot. That is.
And you know what's another one I used to seriously, I swear to God, jerk off to all the time. True lies.

Speaker 2 When Jamie Lee Curtis was dancing on the paw, and there's about 35, 40 seconds in, her little top of her nipple comes out, and I would fucking jerk off. And I would always fucking hold it.

Speaker 2 And I would wait until fucking Arnold gets punched in the face at the end when he fucking his lip is all bleeding. And then I'd go, yeah.

Speaker 2 I fucking do it. Dude, yeah.
My mom.

Speaker 2 Do you find yourself, I mean, I don't want to go too blue, but we're here already.

Speaker 2 We're already here. So

Speaker 2 do you masturbate offense? Yes. Yes.
And I don't jerk off like this. I think I've talked about this before.
I don't do like this.

Speaker 2 I make my hands, I lay down on my back and I make my hands like, I guess it's kind of like a pussy or whatever. And I rub the base of my penis and I come directly into my belly button.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, that's a true story. I'm not lying.
I'm not lying. Really? No, I swear to God.
I swear to God. I swear in everything.
I would jerk off a lot. And I still jerk off like that.

Speaker 2 So like people are like, oh, jerking off in the shower is the best. I can't because I don't do it like that.
I have to lay, lay my penis against my body and push it down. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 I have to physically push force against your body.

Speaker 2 I push down and I go to the base of my penis and I push down right above my balls in the lower part of my penis shaft and I just push, keep pushing down, and then I, I, and uh, you know, I come into my belly button usually.

Speaker 2 Wow. Yeah.
Yeah. That's so weird.
You know the hole of the penis. Yeah.
You blow on it. You re-throw it.
I don't blow on it. And that's like that's fucking weird.

Speaker 2 And then, you know, that's fucking weird.

Speaker 2 Right below the blow.

Speaker 2 I take my two fingers like this and I squeeze squeeze as hard as I can. Oh, see.
Oh, yeah, the blowing was weird compared to that. Right.

Speaker 2 You're insane. You squeeze your penis as hard as you can.
It feels so good. No, it does not.
I do. I go, take it like that.
I make him. I mean, I talk to it.
Have you talked to your penis?

Speaker 2 Don't talk back to me. Yeah.
Right? And it goes like this. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dude, I don't know. Who's Dave?

Speaker 2 Because you know my penis, right?

Speaker 2 I want to get it. I fucking talk about it.
But I used to call my penis by a girl's name. What was her name? Well, because, well, let's just, because I don't, because she listens to the podcast.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what's her name? Yeah, I'm not going to, I'm going to make it up. Yeah, go ahead.
Katie. What's the real name, though? No,

Speaker 2 no, what's the real name? What's the real name?

Speaker 2 What's the real name? But this girl, Katie, I used to work with, right? Went out with.

Speaker 2 So I liked her, right? And then she went out with another bus boy.

Speaker 2 Okay, so, no, so here's the deal. Of all the bus boys.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was a bus boy.
Yeah, no shit. And this guy, Dave, was a busboy.

Speaker 2 And then she was a waiter. Waitress.
Server. Server, whatever.

Speaker 2 And then, you know, I used to

Speaker 2 like walk by her while she's like taking orders and smell her hair. Oh, my God, Bob.
It's like a psycho. Yeah, I'd have to fucking fuck it like this

Speaker 2 and smell it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
What would Katie say? She wouldn't know. She's fucking taking orders.
Like, what do you want her to hear about? Oh, she had no idea you were hair sniffer.

Speaker 2 And I would try to get as close as I can. And sometimes, if I snipped hard enough, one hair would go shoot into the nose.
Oh, that's fucking awesome, dude. Right.
But then, like, she, she did.

Speaker 2 So, this other guy, Dave, liked her, and then she

Speaker 2 went out with him

Speaker 2 and then they got married they have children. Oh really really Katie and Dave so I call my penis Katie right

Speaker 2 right and I squeeze it the tip

Speaker 2 and then you fucking come out. Yeah,

Speaker 2 she the one that got away

Speaker 2 Well, no because I had the one the love of my life is I live with her now. Yeah, but what Kalila didn't get away.
Did that one get away? She's trying to

Speaker 2 we won't let her though. That's trying to.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 We won't let her. That's what I'm saying.
You know what I've noticed? Ever since I've had genital warts, I have when I my penis is so much more sensitive.

Speaker 2 I'm coming so much quicker when I masturbate because I was removing them, but now I haven't removed them.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 I noticed that since I've had genital warts. And it also is good because I'll be honest with you guys.

Speaker 2 My penis is about five and a half inches, but it's six with warts. And

Speaker 2 I feel like that makes it. Oh, so the warts on the tip.
The warts are on the tip. Oh,

Speaker 2 I thought, because you know, when I imagine warts, you would think that it's the width part that would thicken it, right? But I've never seen the warts just congregate on the tip.

Speaker 2 I actually have what's known as genoanodal, uh, uh, uh, geno,

Speaker 2 genoanodal warts or genital anal warts, where I have, I have, I have right now, maybe 10 warts, a couple on my testicles, one on the base of my shaft, two or three on the tip of my penis, and then I do have one on my asshole.

Speaker 2 And that's normal.

Speaker 2 And because at first I said, because when I went to the doctor, because I went to the doctor and and I said, and I said, you know, I've never had, I've never had MSN, man, sex with man, but I do have a wart on my asshole.

Speaker 2 And he said, that's no, that's just, it's fine. It's all from the wart family.
And he said, would you like me to remove it?

Speaker 2 And I said, no, because I've recently found out that my penis and asshole is more sensitive. Like right now, I'm sitting on the ass on my ward, and I do have a heart.
I have an erection.

Speaker 2 How do you not know that it's not a hemorrhoid?

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 2 I don't bleed

Speaker 2 when I shit anymore.

Speaker 2 Did you ever have hemorrhoids? I don't know, but I was

Speaker 2 shitting pure blood for a little while.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, wait, stop, stop.

Speaker 2 Stop, all right? Yeah. When you ship, like, I don't know, baby, when I shit pure blood,

Speaker 2 immediately I just kind of stand up and I go to a facility called, you know, the hospital. The hospital, no.
Yeah, you didn't do that. Not me.
One of you guys, have you ever shit blood?

Speaker 2 I think one time it was beet. Oh, beat shit.
It ended up, it was beat. Right, right.
But I thought it was blood. Yeah.
Because I did. No, honestly, I had beet.
I love beets, by the way.

Speaker 2 You love beets? That's one of my favorite veggies. Really? Yeah.
Me too. I like the way it bleeds.
You know what I mean? It's cool. But I like the texture of everything about it, right?

Speaker 2 But sometimes I like don't chew it.

Speaker 2 I swallow beets whole. Swallow the whole thing.
Like, if I've had a salad, right, and there's a big chunk of beet, I don't even swallow. I just suck it a little bit.
I love sucking juices. Me too.

Speaker 2 That's my thing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Any kind of juice, I suck the fuck out of it. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Lollipop. Yeah.
Right? Like, even like if I have a boba,

Speaker 2 if I have a boba and there's some juice in, like, there's some sort of like in the little

Speaker 2 thing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'll dig a hole. I'll suck the fuck out of the juice.

Speaker 2 You know, that little gum with the little thing? Yeah. With the juice in the middle? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I suck the juice out before I eat the whole fucking thing in my mouth, baby. Yeah.
That's why the burger is the juicy Lucy. You ever eat a burger where you buy it and then the cheese comes and hit me?

Speaker 2 Dude, one time I was in Minnesota, that's where they have. And I bit into a juicy Lucy and the cheese hit my esophagus and I came because it was just like

Speaker 2 anytime I get violently hit in my uvula, it's an automatic thing.

Speaker 2 I don't know why I launched a juice one. What what was it? I had a point to make.
What was it?

Speaker 2 That the Holocaust isn't real? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's why I want to know that the Holocaust isn't real. It's a fucking hoax.
Yeah. Just like COVID.
Just like COVID. I don't know what the fuck is that.
I know. You do think COVID is a hoax.

Speaker 2 You told me that the other day. You said I didn't want to talk about it on air, but I don't believe in it.
I don't fucking believe COVID is a fucking hoax, man. That's why I haven't left the house.

Speaker 2 Come on, man. What are you fucking saying shit like that?

Speaker 2 Because a lot of things I think are hoaxes. What's a hoax?

Speaker 2 I think that

Speaker 2 I'm going to get in trouble here, but

Speaker 2 I think that

Speaker 2 the sun is a hoax. It's not there.
Well, let me ask you this. Let me ask you this.
Really? What is it?

Speaker 2 What is it? It's just an illusion. You know how we illuminate light from our eyes? We illuminate light from our eyes.

Speaker 2 You know, everything is an illusion, right? Sure. And everything is transfixed into a visual cortex.

Speaker 2 So I just think that it's an illusion from the mind.

Speaker 2 Dude, well, Don, it's funny because the reason why we brought Don here is Don's a director. Don,

Speaker 2 video. Well, no, no, we're going to do, but we're going to do a movie,

Speaker 2 no, Pandemic 2020 is what we're writing. I told Andrew about this yesterday.

Speaker 2 We have parts. Andrew, of course, we think Andrew wants to play the president.
He wants to play President Trump because you're red-hair, red-faced.

Speaker 2 I was going to play Nancy Pelosi, and then you're going to play the coronavirus.

Speaker 2 Under the microscope. We're going to do Under the Microscope on the spore.
Oh, CGI.

Speaker 2 What I love about a movie like that is that I don't really have to work that much. No, it's just going to be.
be you. Yeah, yeah.
You can actually even CGI.

Speaker 2 Like, I go in, they put the green suit on me. They put the balls on my head.
Yeah, they want you to get tattoos. They want you to get real coronavirus tattoos.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Little red nodules all over your body. Okay, Ken Jong.
Kim Jong? Ken Jong would love it. He's dead, though.
Kim Jong-un is dead. Kim Jong-un is dead.
No, Ken Jong. No, he's dead.
Oh, Ken Jong-un.

Speaker 2 Ken Jong-un.

Speaker 2 No, no. Ken Jong, the actor.
Is Ken Jong and Kim Jong-un related? No. Why do they look the same? They do look the same.
I can never tell you.

Speaker 2 I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

Speaker 2 You know who Ken Ken Jung is? Huh?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he did the special when he was pregnant on Netflix. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I'm kidding. Have some Ken Jones.
Very underrated special, by the way. Anyway, why do I say about the juices, though? My mind is.

Speaker 2 Oh, you really wanted to talk about the juice for some reason. I know, but my mind, I was talking about.

Speaker 2 It's good.

Speaker 2 Is it good?

Speaker 2 No, it's not. It's not good.
I swear to God, it's good.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey, do you know why? Because I have OCD. You know, I have what's that thing called? OCD.
OCD.

Speaker 2 You have ADD. Hey, what's bigger? This or your mom's foot?

Speaker 2 What's bigger? That.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What is that?

Speaker 2 Is that a chocolate chip cookie bar? It's a chocolate chip. Snicker doodle bar.
Snicker doodle bar. What is it?

Speaker 2 Coffee cake? That's coffee cake. You want some, Andrew? No, baby.
You don't like sweets, huh? I like, you know what's so funny? I'm savory over sweet. So is he.
He's the same way.

Speaker 2 This guy will eat 14 fucking steaks, but he won't eat.

Speaker 2 No, no, like if I eat a a cake, I will not eat the icing. I'll only eat the breading part.

Speaker 2 I hate icing. Really? Yeah,

Speaker 2 I hate it. What is it? I don't like it.
It's pure sugar. Sugar, sugar, sugar.
I don't like it.

Speaker 2 Yesterday's my birthday, right?

Speaker 2 Yesterday was your birthday. I want to say something.
What did Rudy get you? Rudy, what did you get?

Speaker 2 She gave me three cartridges for my Nintendo Switch. 49.
49. So can I just say something? 49 years old today? So, you know, my therapist was like,

Speaker 2 you know, because you know I have a thing about not texting people back. Yeah, it's the thing that we have together.

Speaker 2 Bingo. Yeah.
So

Speaker 2 she's like, I think you should be able.

Speaker 2 Happy birthday.

Speaker 2 What do your therapists say, Bob?

Speaker 2 I know, but

Speaker 2 let me just, because I just, fuck the therapist for a second, okay? I just want to look at you, dude. You know,

Speaker 2 when one's speaking, right? Especially the host of it, you know, right? And you do fucking, you know, that style of farting, right? Which is the worst style, right?

Speaker 2 It's acts, cheeks, clothes, probably a little sweat buildup, right? And there's a little force going, right? For timing. Yeah.
If you are pushing a little bit too much.

Speaker 2 You're pushing a little bit too much. I hear it going.
I know farts. Because I've done it before.

Speaker 2 Well, if you're going to wear Lululemon pants, you might as well test them. They're $110.

Speaker 2 That's true. So anyway, so let's go back to the thing.
My headphones are coming off, but I can't adjust them because I have chalk it on my hand. Will you you get them something from out there?

Speaker 2 Could somebody come adjust my headphones?

Speaker 2 So my therapist is like.

Speaker 2 What are your thing? My therapist is.

Speaker 2 But there was like, you know, you have a problem with testing. So you should text everyone bad.
Thank you when they say, you know, text you happy birthday, right?

Speaker 2 I knew that's why you responded so fucking fast. I fucking knew it.
Dude, I fucking knew something was afoot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was awful.

Speaker 2 When you responded immediately, I was like, something's up. But you should see my face doing it.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Such a piece of shit.

Speaker 2 How many texts did you get, you think? Happy birthday? 75. Maybe 75 to 100.
I texted you happy birthday as well. Yeah, did text back? Yes, she did.
Thank you. Okay, you're welcome.
I didn't want to.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 I appreciate it. But here's what she does.
Now, I'm going to ask you. I texted people.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 Some of them, I even did an extra word to make them feel like it's just not like, you know,

Speaker 2 thank you, right? So it's like, you know, if it was like, like, Candace Thompson, you know, she's a very funny comic. She texted me and I said, thank you, Ian.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Just to make a joke. Yeah.
But half of the people I texted back then did another text back to me. Because they're so fucking surprised.

Speaker 2 I know, but no, but then do I respond to that text as well? Well, you don't. When does it end? So it's like...
It's fine. I wrote, happy birthday, asshole.
And you wrote, thanks, Red.

Speaker 2 He added one word. Yeah, to make it more specific to you.
But I knew, look at this. I texted you at 1.43.
You texted me at 1.43. You texted me the same minute I moved.
Because I'm my therapist.

Speaker 2 What did I say to you? Okay. By the way, 143, 143, that used to mean I love you when you had beepers.
Remember that? 143? 4314? 143 is I love you. 823 was thinking you.
8008 was boob.

Speaker 2 80085.

Speaker 2 Boobs. So

Speaker 2 I said to Bobby Lee,

Speaker 2 I said to Bobby Lee, happy birthday, babe. And he wrote back, thanks, tits.
And then I wrote, I do have tits. And then he just left it on red.
Right. So

Speaker 2 the third one was the one who was like, do I text even back? Because now I'm in a text chain with fucking 60 people.

Speaker 2 So there should be a rule that if you say happy birthday to somebody in the text, you know what I mean? And then the guy says thanks, that should be it. That's fine.
I texted you something.

Speaker 2 That's not it. No, it is it.
I know, but people don't think it's it, so then they keep going. It depends on the relationship.
Relationship going, and then you got to go, I'm not responding to that.

Speaker 2 I don't have to respond to that. It's contextual, right? Like you, you have a different relationship with some people.
So some people, some people that, okay, someone you don't know that well, right?

Speaker 2 It's a text you, happy birthday, thanks, that's all you need. Someone who you're good friends with that you do know well, that knows you well, if they're going to to engage more, then you engage more.

Speaker 2 That's how text works. But a good friend, a good, true friend that loves you, which I believe Andrew does.
He knows. And I love you.
I love you as well.

Speaker 2 Unconditionally, an unconditional text means I send happy birthday, and

Speaker 2 I don't expect anything from you. Anybody who gets upset about why they're not responding to you does not love you unconditionally the way you may think they do.
It's exactly what I was saying.

Speaker 2 Unconditional love is what you should seek. So, really, you should only have that from a few people.

Speaker 2 And I believe you do. You should just hit it it on the fucking head, right? Yeah, you should have it from that.
You just, bro, you just did it for me. Just values and metrics.

Speaker 2 What I want to tell you, dude, is that do you have unconditional love for me? And if so, right, if you text me and I don't text you back, nobody loves you. Don't act like a fucking biatch.

Speaker 2 Because then it's not unconditional. The way you've been acting like a fucking pussy biachi.

Speaker 2 You

Speaker 2 biachi.

Speaker 2 And he knows.

Speaker 2 I love that. And he knows

Speaker 2 that I want to throw this cake at a stupid fucking flat face.

Speaker 2 No, but if I do, because who's going to clean it up? You're a pussy. Us.
Us. Oh, yeah, because I got crumbs over here.
He'll never clean this up. Really? He goes back to his booger layer after this.

Speaker 2 He doesn't have to fucking do anything. He's got a nice thing.
So he knows if I throw a cup of light there. Oh, I see.
You're attacking now.

Speaker 2 I am.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because you call me a bitch, so I'm going to attack you back. You little short, fat piece of shit.
No, I'm not kidding. How about that? You fucking low-to-the-earth turd.

Speaker 2 i love getting him i get him there because he knows i get so deep he's one of the only people that gets me fucking actually like an angry and an angry man and you called him a low to the earth turd he fucking it's funny man yeah

Speaker 2 he's a floater he is yeah fucking piece of shit i love him why are you wearing a beanie it's 92 outside i know because i want because i was i wanted to impress him but the thing is is that

Speaker 2 by the way he knew you were coming but he knew you were coming he got really fucking excited and i know he chose his outfit particularly because he wanted to impress you that's what he did stand up and what do you what kind of what are you wearing below what are you wearing below Gray sweats?

Speaker 2 What the fuck are you talking about? Yeah, but gray sweats because it makes your dick look big. That's exactly what you think.
So all the girls wear gray, all the guys wear gray. Gray sweats.

Speaker 2 That's a thing. That's a thing.
It is a thing. That's a thing? Yes, absolutely.
Gray sweats. Gray sweats is a thing.
Google looks good. Absolutely.
Does my dick look big?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Let me see.

Speaker 2 Yes. See? Stand up again.
Stand up again. Let me see.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've touched penises before. I've touched on the picture.
Yeah, but you never touched one. You never played sports, so you never saw other men's penises like that, though, huh?

Speaker 2 Bro, that's so insulting that you say that. Well, you never played sports.
Dude, I was on the junior varsity wrestling team in high school.

Speaker 2 You know that, right? Are you serious? Yeah.

Speaker 2 For one year? No. I wrestled all through middle school.
I was on the tennis team. Middle school doesn't count.
In high school? You played for one year in high school?

Speaker 2 No, three years I was on the tennis team. No way.
Oh, yeah. Really? You played three years of tennis.

Speaker 2 If you can look at my early Instagrams, dude, I have photos of my high school yearbook. How are you so unathletic now? You have tennis hair right now, by the way.
Bro, I'm 49, you fucker. I know.

Speaker 2 This is what your body looks like.

Speaker 2 This is what your body looks like. No.
All right, so I just want to say this. No one's surprised that this is what you turned out to be.
So, Tuesday,

Speaker 2 I shot

Speaker 2 a short film. Appropriate.
Right? And I, and I, you would just call that a film. Yeah, for you, it's just a you shot something.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Go. Does it feel good?

Speaker 2 No, I'm going to ask: does it feel good to be be tall? Yeah, I mean he's not tall. He doesn't fucking know.
What? I don't know. He's not good.
And then the little, the fat little guy, gook,

Speaker 2 the little guy, right? The FLG. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Right, right.

Speaker 2 You poke your tall. Brold wrote that one, too.

Speaker 2 Does that feel good to you? EFG and the FLG.

Speaker 2 He's your height.

Speaker 2 You're 5'8-8.5? He's your height. Oh, my bad.
Does it feel good? Anyway. Yeah, it feels good.
So I shot this thing with, it was just me and Vince Vaughan doing it, right?

Speaker 2 Wow, that must have been the Jackson position, yeah. Right? He's tall.
That was like the movie.

Speaker 2 His stomach, right, is a little bulby.

Speaker 2 And then we were talking about like our age and how we metabolize men, our age, metabolize, harder, right? How old are you? I am, uh, I turned 36 last year. Yeah, you're a young man still.
Okay.

Speaker 2 When you're 49, right, it's just harder to lose weight. I believe it.
Particularly when you eat pizza every day and you don't exercise. How's your cholesterol and blood pressure?

Speaker 2 Through their fucking root. Is it no good? Is his cholesterol and blood pressure no good? Yeah.
It's bad.

Speaker 2 But you know what's interesting about Koreans and all Asians is no matter how out of shape you are,

Speaker 2 you can still squat all the way down where your asshole is just like a millimeter off the floor and smoke a cigarette all Chinese and Asian men all people from Asia can squat down really though and smoke cigarettes on their bricks Yeah, I know you know Chris 100% believe you were Chinese.

Speaker 2 He was convinced. He was like there's no way you're Korean.
He doesn't believe it. I didn't believe it.
He doesn't he needs proof. He thinks he's like there's no way.

Speaker 2 He said all Asians are from China. He thinks everything branched from China.
No one is originated from anywhere. Just like I believe all whites are from Germany.
I just want to say that.

Speaker 2 Probably true. To make an argument against that? The squatting and the smoking? Yes.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 before the Westerners took over fucking America, right?

Speaker 2 Introduced them to fast food and

Speaker 2 artists. Before the Westerners took over America or Asia? No, when the Westerners took over Asia, like in terms of cultural cultural going in there, right? Right, right.

Speaker 2 You know, generally Asians were small. Right.
Still are. Still.

Speaker 2 I know. But, all right.
But no, because now the average height of a Korean, right, is what? A male is like a five-year-old. Five, four.
No. Five, five? Five, eight, five, nine.
Really?

Speaker 2 Do you have proof on that? Because I feel like it's on, it's about five, five, five, six. These are so insulting.
No, I'm being serious. I'm sorry.
Can I finish my point, though?

Speaker 2 I'm going to guess, by the way, I just want to put in a guess. I'm going to put in 5'7, 5'7.

Speaker 2 I'm going to put it average height of Korean male. 170 centimeters.
That's tiny. 170? That's like right here.
That's like a little tiny. Yeah, it's like a trophy.
You look like a trophy.

Speaker 2 What is that in feet?

Speaker 2 170 centimeters in feet?

Speaker 2 I would say

Speaker 2 what is a centimeter. 100 centimeters make an inch.
Is that right? Yeah. And then, and then 12 inches.
12 inches is a foot. That's 5'5.
170 centimeters is 5'5. All right.
I was fucking right, bitch.

Speaker 2 All right, but and

Speaker 2 but I'm saying

Speaker 2 who's a bitch now?

Speaker 2 Let me finish, though. Let me finish, though.
Okay, go ahead. Let me finish.
Right? But probably 20 years ago, the average height was probably 5'3. Less.
20 years?

Speaker 2 All right, so what I'm just saying, though, and now

Speaker 2 we have Asians that are much taller. Like if you look at Korean soap operas, whether they're six foot, six two.
Those guys are genetically modified. Yao Ming was made in a lab.
Exactly.

Speaker 2 Yao Ming was made from the same fucking Yao Ming was made from the same fucking petri dish they made coronavirus in.

Speaker 2 So Yao Ming is like a frankenchink. Yeah.
Yao Ming frankenchink. Say it, Cliff it.
He's

Speaker 2 let's bring it. Yao Min Frankenchink, right?

Speaker 2 So I'm regular. That's what it is.

Speaker 2 Here you go.

Speaker 2 My point is this is.

Speaker 2 But here's Yao Ming, right? The reason why we could squat like that is because we're shorter dudes, right? Yes, right?

Speaker 2 But Yao Ming can't do that. Yes, he can.
Yes, he can. No, he can't do that.
They all have, all the Asians have unbelievable, unbelievably loose

Speaker 2 hip flexor muscles because they need to get down to smoke cigarettes. It's part of what they need to do.
Look at that. Look at how low he is.
There's him and Bobby Lee right there.

Speaker 2 Look at how low he is. Look at how low his ass covers against that.
That's what he's saying. Every human can do that.
No, they cannot. No, but not like that.
Not like that. Listen,

Speaker 2 stand right there and do it.

Speaker 2 Okay. You're looking at this, all right? Yeah.
Yamin's going, um,

Speaker 2 go over there to the little girl. Right.
And the little girl's going, hold a pose.

Speaker 2 Right? He's like, I am. And before I destroy you, you go over there.
Right? That's what he's doing. Go over there.
You're right. Right? But this, check this out, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is. He's not doing this.
Right.

Speaker 2 You know me down? Right? This is different than go over there. Yeah, but it's still the same athletic muscles.
Look at the ability to do that. Y'all make it a bit more.

Speaker 2 You can find that you can just do that.

Speaker 2 No, dude, it's uh there he is smoking. There it is.
There it is. He's smoking against the magic.
And what's he saying?

Speaker 2 Look at Dwight Howard's arms. Jesus fucking.
My god.

Speaker 2 Muggsy Bogs. Look at Muggsy Bogues.
Michael Jordan used to call Muggsy Bogues a fucking midget. You ever seen that? He used to talk shit like, take the shot, you fucking midget.

Speaker 2 And Muggy Bugs in the interview was like, like, it was so upsetting. It was so emotionally scarring.
Because Jordan would just call him a fucking midget with the T.

Speaker 2 You see that? That was right.

Speaker 2 Tiny men. When you say midget, does it feel? Because, you know, they want you to change.
They change. He's saying what Jordan said.
I'm paraphrasing what Michael Jordan said.

Speaker 2 Yes. Because I would say.

Speaker 2 If Michael Jordan called somebody the F word, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 What's the F word? Agate. Without the F.

Speaker 2 With the F? No, without the F. That's the word.
So you don't get in trouble. Oh, God, in the agate.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't say, would you say that even in the what do I say? What? Let's say Michael Jordan called some other guy an agate.

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay.
Would you have repeated that? Would I have repeated that word? Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, but that's because, but that's because agates are real people and midgets aren't. Oh,

Speaker 2 you know, they're half a people. They're half a people.
They're half a people. Yeah, yeah.
Like they're not, I don't have real, like, they don't have full social security numbers or full lives. Rock,

Speaker 2 but the agates do, so then, you know. Yeah, it's like, you know, when they say count to three count to three one two three

Speaker 2 oh my god like when they say like if there's a

Speaker 2 last one sorry and there were two midgets and they go four people die I go you know I mean I go three whatever

Speaker 2 is that what you do that's what I do in my mind I go three people die three people die yeah but what they can mistake you people can mistake you for my god sorry

Speaker 2 that's funny how you can chunk of cake

Speaker 2 chunk of cake i can't smell it oh my god oh my god it's going my way i don't know why i'm sorry i can't smell it.

Speaker 2 Do you guys ever do you ever fart in the podcast? I apologize if I did. He does fart.
I was eating sushi before with a fork. When he farted,

Speaker 2 only when I eat the sushi with a fork, I fart. With a chop of sticks, I don't fart.

Speaker 2 Dude, I swear to God. Bobby, no,

Speaker 2 sit down. I can't do it.
Sit down. It smells so fucking bad, dude.
Deal with it. I'm sorry.
He left the teeth on my side. He did, he did, he did.
I'm sorry, Bobby, because I ate chocolate cake.

Speaker 2 It does smell bad.

Speaker 2 And I had salmon with a fork, and I apologize. Sushi with a fork.
Sushi with a fork. I apologize.
I'm sorry. I swear to God, that won't happen again.

Speaker 2 I realize I'm a guest on the show, and I apologize.

Speaker 2 No, I apologize. Due to him on his side, I can't smell or taste anything.
I don't know what the fuck is that. What's going on? But my Lululemon pants there will be no holes.

Speaker 2 I haven't been able to smell or taste for the past like three days. I can't smell anything.

Speaker 2 Are you serious? You really can't smell? I can't taste anything either. Oh, right, but that's one of the symptoms.
No, it's not. Smell.
It's not. Smell is.
And taste is. You can't smell or taste it.

Speaker 2 And you fucking.

Speaker 2 When we were doing Whiskey Ginger, you were like, I told you, you had like that little, like, the little striations in the lungs.

Speaker 2 I told you when I was a physical therapist, I used to see people like that. And I don't think you have COVID, but I remember like the cough.
I was like, that's coming from the center of the chest.

Speaker 2 Fuck. Yes.
Maybe you're just depressed. You seem depressed.
I am. Yeah, you seem it.
Because of you.

Speaker 2 Okay, here we go. No, no, no.
I'm serious. You do make me depressed most of the time.

Speaker 2 What about?

Speaker 2 Does it make you depressed? Let me just ask, okay?

Speaker 2 Hey,

Speaker 2 out of nowhere, like, does a man do this to another man? He's about to get married. Look at him.
He just did not breathe it, right? Unconditional love. Remember that.

Speaker 2 that's in our merchandise on what shirt do you like

Speaker 2 and then i don't respond hey buddy yellow blue or green buddy right i didn't say buddy i didn't say buddy or whatever right i said which shirts do you like for the show for merch for the show i go i don't care come on buddy pick one yeah pick one no if yannis was like hey what shirts do you like would you be like i don't care would you go i should put in my input you didn't care where you'd say you don't care if if if yannis if yannis said if yannis texted me and said what merch do i like what merch do i like i give you options and it's like, you gotta do it.

Speaker 2 If he sent me that text, the first text I'd say back is, say, do whatever you want, ag it.

Speaker 2 And then I leave him on record for the rest of the day. Exactly.
That's exactly. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah. It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter, man.

Speaker 2 It gets you crazy. You know what? It gets you crazy.
You're right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 See what you're doing right there? No, no, no, you're right. See, I love that.
You know what? You're right. I'm like a fucking dad, and when the kid is here, I'm not going to say what I want to say.

Speaker 2 And when the kid leaves, then mom's going to fucking get it. I'm going to beat the shit out of you.
When a little boy goes off to school, little mommy's gonna fucking get it.

Speaker 2 It's insane. It's crazy.
I'm gonna beat the shit out of him. It's crazy.
I'm gonna beat the shit out of you, you little bag of rice. I'm gonna fucking beat the shit out of you.

Speaker 2 And then what do they go racist? Right. The first thing they go is rice.
You go racist against me all the time. What? How? You talk bad about white people.
What? You can't be racist? Oh, really?

Speaker 2 The fucking oppressor? I can't talk about that oppressor. I'm not the oppressor.

Speaker 2 I'm not the oppressor. Huh? I'm not the oppressor.
Look at the oppressors like a bitchy now.

Speaker 2 Just oppress and just take it. Well, okay.
You take. No, you, I, then I oppress and you shut up.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you shut up. You shut up, or I'll send you back.
See if that's true.

Speaker 2 Andrew, you know, you'll be right back on a boat.

Speaker 2 What race are you? Italian. He's Italian.

Speaker 2 But from the south.

Speaker 2 I thought I could find some solace. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Hey, right, ombre? You know what I mean? But he's like, I'm Italian. He does look Mexican.
He looks Mexican.

Speaker 2 My daughter's Puerto Rican, so you can say that stuff to me. Why is your daughter Puerto Rican? Because

Speaker 2 my balls do Zumba. No.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 because I had sex with a spicy Latina five years ago.

Speaker 2 Is that your wife now or no? No, not my wife, but I think soon to be. We're back together, and it's been great.
I was Chrissy Cole's parents for a while, but now I'm back in the house. Oh, good.

Speaker 2 So just waiting to get killed through domestic violence. Well, are you going to move out here or not?

Speaker 2 No, fucking. No, no, no.
I'm going to stay in New York. Yeah, not now.
Now I'm going to stay in New York.

Speaker 2 I do like it here. It's been on fire since I've been here for a week.
You're better today. Well, it just goes, I mean, it keeps going on fire.
And, you know, you start to wonder why.

Speaker 2 And, you know jesus i think is sending a message yeah he's saying so he's saying something interesting interesting you would never so you you would even what if you got a big show out here you would never move to lay i i don't want to say now i just can't go too far from my daughter even now being away from her for just a week and after no would you move the family i would move the family if they all came with me i don't care where it would go but to if you ask me i do like to be i do like to be close to like uh you know the the water like the atlantic ocean i like being close to the atlantic ocean and i like being near puerto ricans and that's new York City.

Speaker 2 What's a better ocean, Atlantic or Pacific? I would say Pacific. I like the Atlantic Ocean better,

Speaker 2 but I'm sexually attracted to fishermen. Yeah.
You know? Oh, yeah. Because when I think of Atlantic,

Speaker 2 I think of the very, very, the Matthew

Speaker 2 Perry. No, no, the, the, the, the,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 the Godzilla with the Matthew guy who killed a woman in England. Matthew.
Who killed a woman in England? Matthew Matthew. He got drunk.
He killed a woman in England.

Speaker 2 And then he went out, he also was married to the Sex and City lady. Matthew

Speaker 2 Broderick. Matt Broderick.
Matthew Broderick. That Godzilla.
I had to go that way to get there. I got you.
Right. So, I don't know if he did.
I don't know if he killed somebody. I heard.

Speaker 2 Yeah, what did he do? He didn't know he was a Godzilla. He was Godzilla.
What do you mean? He was Godzilla. Matthew Broderick played Godzilla?

Speaker 2 After my point, though, after my point, after my point, though, right?

Speaker 2 Look up if Matthew Broderick killed somebody. He did.
He did?

Speaker 2 In real life? You're saying we're in a movie. He hit somebody.
Oh, well, he hit them with a car. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Is that when Brandy, remember Brandy did that too? She goes oopsie or whatever. And she killed somebody.
What is it? Fucking Caitlin Jenner. Same thing, right? Caitlin Jenner did kill someone.

Speaker 2 On August 5th, 1987, when driving a rented BMW 316 in Inisclean, Northern Ireland, Broderick crossed the wrong lane, collided head-on with Evolvo.

Speaker 2 The driver, Anna Gallagher, Hannah Gallagher, 28, and her mother, Margaret Doherty, 63, were both killed instantly. He later forgave Broderick amid plans to meet him in 2003.
Okay, there you go.

Speaker 2 He got forgiven. I know, but does that you think that that weighs on you? No, not at all.
I do. No, no, no.
I think if he killed somebody, yes. Not if you're rich enough.

Speaker 2 Didn't think he still lays in bed. If you got enough money, he doesn't care anymore.
He paid that family. That's true, dude.
Mark Walbert killed somebody too, they say. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't know if that's true. I don't think.
Of course, it's not true. Yes, it fucked with his head probably for a long, long time.
Yeah, it affects every ass. It's a bottom of the ball.

Speaker 2 But not Caitlin Jenner, because fucking Caitlin Jenner paid them off and then got a sex change and then the thing went away. Do you know about that? No.

Speaker 2 Fucking, he killed someone on the PCH when he was still Bruce. Uh-huh.
Killed someone on the PCH and then paid them a quarter of a million dollars and it went silent.

Speaker 2 Then he became a woman and got time woman. Do you think then that is the reason why? Do you think in a reason? I think it helps speed up the transition.

Speaker 2 In an effort to hide his identity, that's why he became Caitlin? Because of the crash?

Speaker 2 I think it helps speed. In the movie, they dye their hair.
I mean,

Speaker 2 I think it helps sped up the transition, though. He killed someone, and then not too long after was fucking.
I don't think that was the catalyst, but

Speaker 2 I do think he wanted to get the fuck away from

Speaker 2 the accident and turn the attention to something else and be like, oh, that didn't happen. Fuck that.

Speaker 2 Now, if you have children, would you allow them to get a sex change?

Speaker 2 If I have a kid and they say, I want to be a boy and they're a girl. Yes.

Speaker 2 I'll say, sure. When I'm fucking dead.
Right. Right.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 I would say, I'd say, yeah, when you're a grown-up. When you're a grown-up.
And not when you're a kid. I think, yeah, because before 18, they shouldn't, yeah, you can't, you can do that.

Speaker 2 You should legally be allowed to do that, but you. as the father have to also get a sex change with the child

Speaker 2 that's what i believe both parents what about both parents? Both parents, then, yeah. Swap, swap.
You have to swap. Actually, yes, that's what you have to do.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 If you're going to allow your child to get a sex change, then you, the mom takes the dad's dick, and then I'll cut some fat off my ass and make a pussy, or come some fat off her ass and make a pussy.

Speaker 2 And then if we lie comfortable in our bodies for a year and our child's under 18, then they're allowed to then get a sex change.

Speaker 2 If my daughter right now is five years old, if that's what she wants, if she's listening, that's that in 13 years old.

Speaker 2 Then she can have my penis. You don't do that.
I'm going to get my penis. You would never do that.
Yes. That's crazy.
I'll take the warts off. Well, what?

Speaker 2 I'm going to open. I'm going to be really honest.
Yeah, be honest. If my daughter was 18, she goes, Dad,

Speaker 2 that's your daughter? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Don't do that with your voice anymore. Yeah.
It freaks me out.

Speaker 2 All right, dad.

Speaker 2 I'm going to do the sex change operation. Now, socially,

Speaker 2 think about it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I would have to go, because I'm a liberal, I'd have to go. You're a hardcore fucking lefty.
Yeah. And we have a word for that: agate.

Speaker 2 Right? I would have to go,

Speaker 2 all right, well, what are the procedures? What's the next step? Right.

Speaker 2 And then she would go through the transition.

Speaker 2 But the whole time,

Speaker 2 do I have to be like, yay.

Speaker 2 Yes. If you want to work in television and film, yes.

Speaker 2 Or can I go? It's just what the truth is.

Speaker 2 I wish that this wasn't the case. I think that's what would enter my.
I'm just being, I'm not, no jokes, jokes aside. Okay, y'all know.
In my head, I'd just be like, you know, I don't want this.

Speaker 2 For some reason, I'm not really fully on board, but I think I have to be socially. So, and that's what she wants.
So, I just, is that all right for me to say? Sure, of course. Yes, of course.

Speaker 2 If she's an adult, who cares? If your daughter's an adult and she's like, I'm getting a sex change, why would you even fucking care anymore? She's an adult. She can do whatever she wants.

Speaker 2 But would you care, though? Deep down inside. There would be no question.
No, why? So then I'm the bad guy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 If my kids are grown up and says, I'm going to do something, something, I go, good luck. You're fucking out.
You're doing a lot of damage.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't really do that.

Speaker 2 If she's a grown-up, if she's an adult that makes decisions and is out being an adult, yeah, what the fuck? If she's fucking nine and it's like,

Speaker 2 I want a penis, I'd be like, well, let's talk about it in nine years. Because Juliana's 18.
I know. If she wants to get a penis, go.

Speaker 2 Who cares? I would allow her to do it. I afford it.
I have a five-year-old daughter. So I would allow her, if she came up to me tomorrow and was like, I think I'm a boy.

Speaker 2 I want to to start dressing like a boy, I would allow that. I would allow that dressing like a boy.

Speaker 2 I would not allow her to have any type of operation until she's 18 and has been living comfortably in that body.

Speaker 2 And if she's like, I am now making my own choices, I would say, then you have to do what you'd like to do. But my son's not playing softball.
He's not. No.

Speaker 2 No. I crossed the line at that.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 He won't. I don't play softball.
You don't fucking play baseball. Right.
Right, right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Same thing, just smaller ball. Same thing.
Smaller ball. That's it.
Just practice on the tinier one. Yeah.
Yeah. I'd let the kid do whatever they want when they become a grown-up.

Speaker 2 But you don't let your kid do anything on their own.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she can't do anything. Yeah, my daughter wants to do all types of crazy shit.
I won't let her do it.

Speaker 2 What's the craziest shit she asked you to do? So far, right now,

Speaker 2 heroin. What did you say? I said.
How do you shut that down?

Speaker 2 I told her, I told her that, you know, she shouldn't do it and that if she wants to do it, she's going to have to do it when she's with her mother. She can't do it with me.

Speaker 2 And then her mother gave it to her.

Speaker 2 When your kid's old enough and she goes, Daddy, did you ever do drugs? What did you say?

Speaker 2 Well, the God's honest truth is, I never have done drugs. Nothing.
Not, I swear on everybody, not once in my life. I smoked a little weed once.
Yeah. That's it.
That's the only thing I've ever done.

Speaker 2 You've never been drunk. Have you been drunk? Yeah.
Yes, I've been drunk. So if you want to count that as a drug, yes, I've been drunk.
He means no weed, no coke, no fucking drink.

Speaker 2 I've smoked weed five times in my life. Never did an edible once in my life.

Speaker 2 Never did any cocaine, mushrooms, heroin, nothing, not a zero. Wow.
Nothing. Nothing.
But I've done a couple of drinks. Colonnays and shit like that.
I've met comics like him before.

Speaker 2 They exist. Yeah, there's a lot of them.

Speaker 2 Mencia used to be like that. No, no, but he drinks.
Mencia didn't even drink, right? Oh, that's true, yeah. Yeah, no, he still likes to have a couple of sodas.
I'll have some drinks.

Speaker 2 I'll have some pops. It's just so weird.

Speaker 2 I'd play basketball in high school and college, and I always would, you know, we get thrown off the team for that. And also, I always worried it would, like, fuck with my heart.
Somehow.

Speaker 2 But now I've just been eating

Speaker 2 Glenn biased or something? Yeah.

Speaker 2 But now my cholesterol and everything is through the roof because I eat like shit. So I'm fucking with my heart anyway.

Speaker 2 My cholesterol and blood pressure is high. Donnie was in the room with me when the doctors came to give me a COVID test, and the blood pressure is too high, baby.

Speaker 2 So I'm going to have to go on blood pressure medication. Is stroke run in your family?

Speaker 2 What about diabetes? No stroke, no heart attack. My dad's diabetic, but he's a fat muffin.
Yeah, but you may be pre-diabetic.

Speaker 2 No, my blood sugar, my A1C, which is the main factor, it's 5.2, so that's fine. I'm on blood pressure medication.
You are? For how long?

Speaker 2 For about a year. Yeah.
I need to be on it. What was the blood pressure at its highest reading?

Speaker 2 I don't know what the number is. Top number, bottom number?

Speaker 2 The doctor told you you have to go on it. The doctor trembled.
People trembled in the room. Really? Yeah, yeah.
When they did it, they went,

Speaker 2 they almost dropped the thing. You know why? One day, in one day, we were doing the show, and he had ordered 10 Lumal Nati's deep dish pizzas and he ate them every single day

Speaker 2 until the next show we did the following week. Yeah, yeah.
And then I told him, baby's got to stop. And then he did.
One's the last. Okay, I have we have six Lumal Nati pizzas in the freezer, right?

Speaker 2 There's one here at work. Yeah, right.
There's one here at the side. I will not eat them.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 When's the last time I ate it?

Speaker 1 Last two weeks.

Speaker 2 Last two weeks. What what what do you um have you taken your blood pressure since?

Speaker 2 No, but dude, last night, um, here's what happens. I know when my blood pressure's high is when like um my neck hurts.
Right. Look at her laughing because she knows what to do.
Jules.

Speaker 2 So it's for two weeks, you know, I haven't been eating pizza when what and whatnot, right? Yes. Two weeks, no pizza? No.
Two weeks?

Speaker 2 Yeah, ask her. What have you been eating? I go I'll go to like um tender greens and get a salad.
Very good. Right.
Or do I not do that? Why are you laughing? Nothing. Huh?

Speaker 2 You're acting like Ali Sheety from the breakfast club today. I don't like it.

Speaker 2 And I'll go to creation and only drink juice. $40 juice, yeah.
$40 juice.

Speaker 2 Last night, you know, no big deal. I was playing.
Did you have some cake for your birthday? Yeah, a little bit. I was playing video games.
I have the headphones on. And my brother and I were,

Speaker 2 you know, we were in a house. And we could hear footsteps coming in.
Right.

Speaker 2 And we're scared. Right.
I'm like, Steve, wait. Flank them.
flank them, right? And I'm upstairs with the gun, right? We already had our loadout, right? So I have my loadout, right?

Speaker 2 I'm, you know, my point, right?

Speaker 2 All of a sudden he hears, happy birthday, right? And literally, right? My fucking neck clinked like that. And then my left arm became numb.
And I almost had a fucking stroke. I turn around.

Speaker 2 It's these fucking little fucking island gooks. Sneaky little island gooks like they did in fucking platoon.
Yeah. Right? In platoon, the hochi min hochimen, right? Remember, right?

Speaker 2 When they dig holes.

Speaker 2 They live in a tree for three weeks with a banana and a fucking handgun. Bananas.

Speaker 2 That's why they won the fucking war. Banana is good to lower blood pressure.
Yeah, I know, but they, yeah, right. But that's how they won, these little fucking little fuckers, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 They know where all the holes are. Yeah.
They don't give a fuck. They'll just hide in a hole for fucking a month.

Speaker 2 And then when somebody comes, they snatch them. She put it on Instagram.
Didn't you guys put that up on Instagram, the video? Right, I almost had a fucking stroke.

Speaker 2 So, you know, when I get sh you know,

Speaker 2 what are you doing? Go, I'm going to show everyone in the nice video of you almost had a heart attack.

Speaker 2 No, but go ahead. Say it.
You almost had a stroke. I almost had a fucking stroke, dude.
And I looked at Kalila. I go, you can never do that again.
Right. I could fucking die.
Right.

Speaker 2 But you could, you weren't going to die. You weren't going to die, though.
Dude, I know, but I could have a stroke.

Speaker 2 No, but the chances of you as a 49-year-old having a stroke or a heart attack is low, even with high blood pressure. Yeah, it's not.
It's all prevented.

Speaker 2 They want you to go on the medication now to prevent something happening when you're 40. Well, that's why I'm sick of it.
They take it every day. I take it every day.
Yeah, yeah. Wait,

Speaker 2 but you're not. Oh, well, your dad did die of a stroke.

Speaker 2 Dude, all my family members, right, have had strokes and they've been paralyzed from the neck down. They smoke cigarettes, though? Cigarettes is dead.
You smoke too. Oh, you smoke too?

Speaker 2 Okay, yeah, yeah. Okay.
So, you know, I told you about my grandmother. For 25 years, she never left the house.
Right. And then, you know, I told you about the welts and stuff.

Speaker 2 Didn't you have a grandmother too who got run over by a tank or something? What was that story? Oh, fuck. You told me that on Tiger.
On Tiger Bell. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I had an aunt, you know what I mean, who was run over by a military. Oh, there it is.

Speaker 2 A happy birthday.

Speaker 2 Dressed like Treddy Krueger. Happy birthday to you.

Speaker 2 Oh, it's so funny. I like at the end, the last part when they just stare look at his face.
Happy birthday. Right here at the end.

Speaker 2 I didn't want to see. Happy birthday to you.

Speaker 2 I would have came at the end and hit him with a fucking wiffle ball bat. Look at his face.
Happy birthday to you.

Speaker 2 When? Oh.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. That's

Speaker 2 funny to me, dude. You're going to be fine.
You'll be fine. Do you have an insurance policy on yourself, by the way? Do they have an insurance policy on you?

Speaker 2 Because if they fucking kill you, they're going to get paid. Is there any money to be had? Or is it just savings? Well, Kalala said that

Speaker 2 Kalala said that

Speaker 2 if we have a baby,

Speaker 2 that she needs to be on the will.

Speaker 2 She needs to be on your will. Yeah, of course, because she's going to raise your child.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I got a life insurance policy. If I die, my kid's mom will get it all.

Speaker 2 How much is your life insurance policy for? Two mil. Wow.
Yeah. Did that? Two people are worth a lot.
Did I tell you what? The blowjob she gave you a couple weeks ago? No. Oh.

Speaker 2 Go on. I don't know if I should.

Speaker 2 Well, I don't know if this is a problem. Can I ask a question? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So she likes this actor. What's the actor that she likes?

Speaker 2 Who?

Speaker 2 Some Hispanic actor that she likes? Michael Pena? No. If it's Tim, I'd kill myself.

Speaker 2 Fluffy? No, I'd really like to say that. It's Fabrizio Iglesias.
Yeah, so anyway, I go,

Speaker 2 we're hooking up and I go, blow me, I go, blow me like that actor, the guy that you like, right? And she did things that she's never done before to my dad. Because she pretended you were who?

Speaker 2 Some other actor, right?

Speaker 2 I want to know the shaft and she started licking my balls, right? And then she spit on it, and she was like, sucking on the hand.

Speaker 2 And I go, stop!

Speaker 2 I go, stop doing it like that. And then I got mad.
I go, That's you do it better for the other guy? Yeah, of course. But that's okay, but that should be okay in a healthy sexual relationship.

Speaker 2 Fantasy, fantasy, fantasy. You don't do ever fancy.
You don't ever think she's somebody else.

Speaker 2 I want those moves, too.

Speaker 2 You just got them. You got it.
Exactly. Yeah, but as for me.
No, well, you're not you anymore. Yeah.
You're not you anymore. You've been together too long.

Speaker 2 Because if I've emailed our girl, she'd like, do it like Natalie Portman. I wouldn't go and do it, you know what I mean, spin, do the whole fucking thing, you know?

Speaker 2 No, you'd sit and have a conversation with her. She's Natalie Portman.
She's not an award-winning actress. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? Do you ever visualize she's somebody else?

Speaker 2 Or when I'm at in my mind, maybe? Yes. Do you do it?

Speaker 2 You have to. Yeah, you don't have a choice.
You have to. What do you mean?

Speaker 2 Once you've had sex with your significant other enough, your mind has to make up that there's something else. Yeah.
Absolutely, man. We do role-playing.
Oh, you do? What role play?

Speaker 2 I'll say it and then I'll see if it's okay to say it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we'll see if it's okay.

Speaker 2 Hold on.

Speaker 2 We do camp stuff. Like you're camping? No, like we're at a summer camp.

Speaker 2 Like she's a counselor and you're a student?

Speaker 2 No shit. Dope.
What is her name? Does she have a counselor name? No. I just call her counselor Kalila.
You're like, Counselor Kalila? And she's like, yes, little boy. How old are you in this fantasy?

Speaker 2 Are you Jewish? Do you put on a yarmulke?

Speaker 2 Is it Jewish summer camp? But I have asthma like Jewish people do. I have psoriasis like a Jewish.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 No dairy. Go ahead.
So I,

Speaker 2 yeah, I'm a kid. You're a little boy, and you're, what happened? Did you be bad? Were you bad by the lake?

Speaker 2 Look at her. Is it uncomfortable? No, it's well.

Speaker 2 Do you want her out? She can get out of the room while you tell this nasty story. It's not nasty.
Well, it's beautiful. Okay.
Yeah. So I'll go like, did you get in trouble by the lake?

Speaker 2 What did you do? Huh? What did you do, bad boy? She's like, come here, Timmy. She'll give me a name.
Timmy? Yeah, yeah. I go, what did I do wrong? I'll do it with boys.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, you know. Yeah.
And she's like, you know, you know, I told you, you know, to put away the equipment, and you didn't put away the equipment. Right, you left the balls out.

Speaker 2 No, but I know I was playing with Johnny and the boys. Or whatever.

Speaker 2 And then she'll go, like, yeah, but when I I say something, so take your pants off. You need a spanking.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I'll go,

Speaker 2 okay.

Speaker 2 And I'll slowly, right? Meanwhile, like, when she sees the underwear, it's just

Speaker 2 already, right? Hard as a red. I like it, right? Yeah.
Do you have on little boys' underwear for the course?

Speaker 2 Of course, yeah.

Speaker 2 I only have tidy whetties. So, and

Speaker 2 it's one pair, there's a brown streak, and it's a little wet in the tip.

Speaker 2 There's a tip there. That's wet, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then she'll go,

Speaker 2 lay on your back. I'm going to give you a spanking, right? And I'll go, I'll lay on my back, but how can you spank me if I'm on my back?

Speaker 2 Right? Right. She goes, you're clever, Timmy.
Right?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 she goes,

Speaker 2 she goes, you know, your magic stick? I go,

Speaker 2 you need my peepee.

Speaker 2 Your magic stick. And I go,

Speaker 2 my pink.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Take out your pee-pee.

Speaker 2 What are you going going to do?

Speaker 2 I scared.

Speaker 2 I always say that. You scared? I scared.

Speaker 2 Right? Yeah. And then she,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? Let me kiss it like a lollipop. I'm already coming.
Sure.

Speaker 2 I mean, like, juices are just like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 It's like bubbling. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Like little fucking cum bubbles. That's hot.
Right, right. That is hot.
But then it's like, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 But then it turns into, well, I'm Timmy and she's on top of me. Right.
She'll go, she'll switch it up, which is I don't like.

Speaker 2 She's like, I'm Mark now.

Speaker 2 No, no, something like that. She'll go, like, you know,

Speaker 2 do you like it, Mark, or Frank? So I have to be a play a different character. Oh, she wants you to switch me.
Right, right. So, like, she's now fucked everyone at the camp.
Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know what I mean? Like, she's like a serial. She's like, run a train on me.
But now it's, now it turns into, like, very aggressive. Right.
Right.

Speaker 2 Where like, I've already, now I'm Mark and I've already heard the rumors, right? Right. So you know what she's been up there.

Speaker 2 So I knew all the things and I don't want to because maybe I'm gay or whatever. Right.
So it turns into me trying to get not maybe. Yeah.
What? Not maybe. Not maybe.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, we are. Does she choke you? Does she ever choke you? Oh my God.
Yeah, yeah. I was a little upset with you.
I was a little hypocritical of your fantasy

Speaker 2 when you were Timmy and all that.

Speaker 2 And Andrew, that's why Andrew and I were looking at each other because the fantasy, even though he was just talking so much shit about us, his fantasy, I was presuming, was he was acting like he was white.

Speaker 2 Because Timmy Frank, until he said, I scared, then I knew he was Chinese in the fantasy. No, no, no, no, you got it wrong.
What? I am white. In the fantasy.
In the fantasy, I'm white, right? Right?

Speaker 2 And what is she? Is she white in the fantasy too? She's Colombian. Is that white? Oh, yeah.
No, it's not. No, Colombian's Latino.
Latina. Desposito.
Joe Biden.

Speaker 2 She has like a mustache, a little mustache. Okay.
Yeah. And I love it, Harry.
She's a guy. You know that in the scene.
Yes.

Speaker 2 Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, I did it. I did it.
Yes. Okay.
No, she's a girl. And no,

Speaker 2 and then, like, I scared.

Speaker 2 Oh, bro. He just.

Speaker 2 When I say I scared, right, it's like, you know, not Asian. It's just a kid playing around, you know what I mean, with his accent a little bit.
Oh, okay. Right? So it's that, that's what it is.

Speaker 2 So it is a white kid.

Speaker 2 Do you have fantasies of being a little white boy? Like, often?

Speaker 2 I've had fantasies like that, yeah. Do you ever fantasize of being not white? Me? Yeah.
Yeah. Really? Of course.
I call those nightmares.

Speaker 2 Exactly, dude.

Speaker 2 I did this gig once.

Speaker 2 I had a fantasy that I wasn't so pale one time. I've had fantasies that I was.

Speaker 2 My wife and I, when we absexed,

Speaker 2 we role play. Really? Yeah, but it's nothing like that.
It's always small happiness victories, you know? It's like, we'll be fucking, and she'll be like, I fucking...

Speaker 2 I paid for the new water heater. And I'll be like, ooh, you know, fucking.
She's like, ooh, and I'm going to fix the drawer. I might paint the bathroom by myself without your help.

Speaker 2 Ooh, and she's like, ooh, and I'm going to cook and clean, and I'm not going to say anything. And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And she's like, and then also, I invited a bunch of my friends over to just hang out with us. I'm like, yo, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And she's like, and then, and then you can just like leave the country forever and go live somewhere else. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then Bobby Lee's next. And Bobby Lee comes in next.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I don't have, we don't have, I don't ever do fantasy stuff. I just imagine.
I know she thinks I'm Tom Hardy. She wishes I was Tom Hardy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's her fucking thing. You never watch porn and do it? We'll watch porn and fuck.
That's fun. Yeah.
Every time I watch porn and then she just blew me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But the first time I, as an adult, I slept in a white person's house was I used to do these back in the 90s. I used to do these NACA.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the college thing. The college thing.
Yeah. So you would go to like the regional thing, right? Did you ever do NACA? I did.
Did you ever go do colleges? I did. How many?

Speaker 2 Whenever I did NACA 2016 or something like that, I got like 30 of them. Wow.
That's what I did. I did one in Indiana.
You made real money. Illinois, Indiana.

Speaker 2 So I had to go to Illinois and Indiana for a whole year, right? And do all the schools, right? That's fucking incredible. But they would book you in clumps.

Speaker 2 So they would go, like, all right, so Bobby's going to play this school in Muncie, and then he's going to go here, right? But two days here, we're not going to fly him back home, right?

Speaker 2 So he has to stay somewhere. So they had me at a faculty old man's house

Speaker 2 and and his wife and they lived in a wooden house right crickety and they go um so young man bedtime's at 10

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 you're sleeping in the attic i didn't even know what an attic weren't you like 30 years old when you were doing this oh yeah

Speaker 2 so go for two i had no car right and they also lived nowhere near anything else it was like the wooden house and just snow oh creepy you were in get out yeah snow right you were in get out and then i just remember smelling things that I've never smelled before.

Speaker 2 Like, like foods? No, it's cabbage. White people's houses smell like baseball glove mitts.
Oh, love it. Oh, I love it.
Right? Oh, God. Right.
I love that. In combination with some sort of coffee acid.

Speaker 2 Yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 2 Right? And then some sort of like, you know,

Speaker 2 you know, pumpkins, pumpkin spice. Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Oh, like a hint, right? A pumpkin spice in the air, right?

Speaker 2 Pumpkin. Right.
And then there's, it's, everything's, you guys creak. You love to creak.
Well, we like creaky floors. Creeky floors.

Speaker 2 But I don't know if you do it with your mind or if you do it with your fucking body, right? But you guys love to make it well because we believe in ghosts. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, so we like creaky stuff. You don't freak out.
Well, because we believe in ghosts.

Speaker 2 Only ghosts are white. There is no Asian ghosts.
They don't, you know what I mean? That's ours. And then what's up with quilts? You look like a ghost.
Thank you. Yeah, quilts.
We like quilts.

Speaker 2 What the fuck is a quilt? Fuck you and the quilt. We love quilts.
Well, we love the Amish. You know what's a great thing, too?

Speaker 2 It's called a Quillo. I used to have a Quillo.
It's a quilt inside a pillow. Oh,

Speaker 2 yeah, yeah. Shout out the Amish people.
I just remember, like,

Speaker 2 I don't go to bed till, like, I've always been like that, four or five in the morning. Yeah.
So, mind you, and I'm starving. You can't go to the kitchen before 10.
You know what I mean? Why?

Speaker 2 After 10, yeah. So then I'm like starving, 3 in the morning, no money, right?

Speaker 2 In a dark attic with a quilt. It's freezing, right? Trembling, right? And like, you start thinking things like, should I just get out of the business? Why don't you go downstairs and just get food?

Speaker 2 They wouldn't let you. They had like a rule that you couldn't.
And you didn't want to creak. Yeah, I don't want to creak.
Also, I don't know. I don't want to have those little white people.

Speaker 2 But Bobby's little shoes. Those little tiny shoes that tie your feet.
Don't you bind your feet? Don't you guys bind your feet at night to make your toes smaller? Yeah.

Speaker 2 How did you eat? Did you bring your own chopsticks or did you just use their utensils? How do you eat so much pizza with chopsticks?

Speaker 2 You didn't want to go downstairs. You want to get out of the business.
But then what? What woke you up to stay in the business, huh? The money? The checks?

Speaker 2 Bobby, close your eyes. Close your eyes.
Count to three.

Speaker 2 I'm just kidding. That's so racist.
I'm just kidding. I'm just the racist thing I've ever heard.

Speaker 2 That's the most racist thing you've ever heard?

Speaker 2 My eyes are obviously closed, right? And they're all in the middle of the day.

Speaker 2 Close your eyes. Right? I can't tell.

Speaker 2 You really couldn't tell. Well, okay, close them now.
Let me see. Oh, yeah, no, not really.
Can't really fucking tell.

Speaker 2 The first thing.

Speaker 2 They didn't even know. The people in Indiana didn't even know you were Asian, probably.
They just thought you had allergies or something.

Speaker 2 It's hay fever season. No, but can I ask you, Bobby, though, why didn't you just go?

Speaker 2 Because I understand at that point, you know, I know there was some money to be made, but so why didn't you just stay in like a remote or like a bullshit hotel instead of the white people, weird white people's homes?

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 2 back then I had such little money to control everything. But you had the college books.
College books. They control everything.
But back then they controlled everything.

Speaker 2 Oh, they didn't send you the money right away and all that. Yeah, right, right, right, right.

Speaker 2 Imagine having no money in your bank account and you're relying on these checks, and then, but these checks you won't get for another four fucking months. I understand.
It's a terrible way to live.

Speaker 2 And it's like, at the time, you know, I had no choice. And then the gigs were terrible.
You know, you bit down those gigs. Sure.
Yeah. And you also feel scared to not do what they tell you to do.

Speaker 2 Absolutely. So you're like, if they told me I have to stay with these old fucking weirdos, I have to, because if I don't, they'll go, you're never working again.

Speaker 2 We're going to make sure that you don't. You know, that's the fear in your head is like, well, I'll just play by their fucking rules and I'll just do what they ask me.
Right.

Speaker 2 Dude, for years, I never asked for a better room.

Speaker 2 You know, when they like check in at the beginning and they put you in a hotel next to like the fucking dumpster in the basement next to like the elevator? Sure.

Speaker 2 And I used to just be like, I can't ask for a new room because I didn't pay for it and fucking, they'll tell me to go fuck myself.

Speaker 2 And then finally you get the confidence to be like, hey, can I not sleep near where the janitor masturbates at night? Like, I don't want to be in the fucking crowded, weird corner of the hotel.

Speaker 2 And they're like, oh, yeah, we didn't, you just have to ask. Right.
But you're nervous back then. You don't want to fucking

Speaker 2 ruin the relationship. You don't ask now? I didn't ask that.
I would ask now. Fuck yes.
What do you ask now?

Speaker 2 But it just comes from a place.

Speaker 2 But I only started doing those things when I had my daughter because I started. A lot of self-worth came when I became a father because I would start to say, well, I need to feel good about myself

Speaker 2 and justify leaving her for X amount of time. So if I'm going to be away from her, what helps me feel better about myself is if I'm ultimately comfortable and that's why I would upgrade the room.

Speaker 2 So I would never introspectively look at myself until I had a daughter. Right, but at the comedy club, do you like, if there's something not right with it, would you say something? Yes.

Speaker 2 And I wouldn't stay in the condo anymore just because I'd say, I don't do comedy. I'd rather not do the gig than do the condo.
And it's not a, I think I'm so good thing.

Speaker 2 Because I'm a club owner, right? Yes. And you're headlining, right? Yes.
And I say to you, you come in, I go, hey, Chris, big fan.

Speaker 2 Love the Haiyayana podcast. It's great.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, but

Speaker 2 we love it. And that Punjab, what's this guy, a hairy guy that you'll do it with? Oh, wow.
Alfie. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's Turkish. He's a very funny guy.
Is he Punjab or? Yeah, Yanni Smallheads, yeah.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 anyway, there's no green room because, you know, during the day, we do this, you know, we do a one-man show. You know, Todd McGibbons is doing a one-man show.
He's fucking so funny. So funny.

Speaker 2 You know, he's doing a one-man show about his trauma and how he was molested by pick-me's. Oh, really?

Speaker 2 Oh, Bobby Lee doesn't act just like that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I walked the fucking Italian guy.

Speaker 2 I know, because, yeah.

Speaker 2 He's pro pygmy. Yeah.
So, and then he goes, anyway, so there's no green room. And it's weird.
It's like, you do great numbers for us. Thank you so much.
But we don't really have any water for you.

Speaker 2 So if you can go across the street and go to the

Speaker 2 just go get yourself some water if you want some. Right.
No green room and you get your own water. We have a hallway next to the bathroom.
So we have a couch there. You can just hang out there.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 What would you say?

Speaker 2 Initially,

Speaker 2 I would have just done it and taken it, but today, yeah, today I would just say, no,

Speaker 2 you have to go get me water. I would tell him, you have to fucking go get me water.

Speaker 2 And then if he didn't, I obviously, you know, because I'm a U.S. passport, whatever, I brandish my weapon and I put it in his fucking mouth.

Speaker 2 And I'd say, listen, fuck nuts. Yeah, yeah.
Either you go get me some fucking aquafinas right now and some jelly donuts with some straws. I've never done drugs, so instead I snort the jelly.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Or I'm going to fucking put two in the back of your skull i'm gonna get gonna uh get away with it because my father's a criminal that's what i'd say to him

Speaker 2 yeah that's what i'd say to him you would really say that yeah and then i yeah without the gun you would say that probably i would i would probably say something similar yeah i'd say something like yeah i'm not you have to go get me the water now because uh you know fuck them it's like uh they can't treat me that way anymore but I'd say that, but again, that's probably more fantasy because probably, I guess, yeah, maybe I would, I don't know, I'd probably call my mom and ask her, tell her to tell me what to do.

Speaker 2 I took a, yeah, I would

Speaker 2 probably do even something like I'll be passive-aggressive.

Speaker 2 You are fine.

Speaker 2 I'd say, that's fine. Right.
It's just that I'll just tell every, and I, you know, I don't know if you know, but I know everyone. I'll just tell everyone I forgot to play this through again.

Speaker 2 You know what he would do? He would come on this show and talk shit about it and light them on fire.

Speaker 2 And then the internet would take course of it. And then the club owner or someone would reach out to him or a manager and go, hey, why would you being, why did you say that about the thing?

Speaker 2 And then he would let other people deal with the ramifications. The ramifications.

Speaker 2 He's very good at that. No, but that's smart.
He drops a bomb and goes, they'll figure out. You got to put people to protect you.
You're so funny. No, I had a couple of bombs, like a couple of zeros.

Speaker 2 You guys met at Open Anthony? Yeah. Yeah.
Open Anthony. Did you ever do Open Anthony?

Speaker 2 Never. Yeah.
That was like the last, like, that was like the New York fucking. But it was also like,

Speaker 2 I had no connection in New York. I started out here and I continue my career out here.

Speaker 2 And I never, when I went to New York, the only reason I got spots is because they knew who I was by the time I got stuff out here. I understand.

Speaker 2 So when I went to New York, people were like, you're going to bounce around and do shows? Like, I didn't fucking know anybody. I do the stand or stand-up New York or whoever would let me in.

Speaker 2 But that's where you learned, I learned how to do podcasting. Opie and Anthony.
It's Open Anthony. Same with me.
Because when I went there, I'm like, because you know how you do normal radio shows?

Speaker 2 And like, so we don't talk about sex here. We don't talk about, just do your act.
That's what works here. You know what I mean? And then you're like, I don't want to, this is not fun.

Speaker 2 They're like, Bobby, you're from South Korea, right? Tell us about it. Yeah, but then then Opie and Anthony, like, they're like,

Speaker 2 you were molested, ha, ha, ha, or whatever. And I was like, oh, I like it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I was.

Speaker 2 And Opie and Anthony, and it was good because what I learned, what learned the hard way, and they kept inviting me back, which I was thankful for because it did not go well the first few times is when you bomb, there's no fake laugh.

Speaker 2 When you bomb, they fuck, like, if you bomb in front of like, one time I was on, it was me, Rich Voss, Bobby Kelly, Colin Quinn, Opie and Anthony. And I said something that fucking bombed.

Speaker 2 And then it was just, which if that was a radio show, they would just laugh and ha and they move on to. And what do you think about it, Colin? But it's not that.

Speaker 2 Then the camera's on you and it's like, what the fuck are you doing? And then it's just, and then it's just for an hour just ripping you. Yeah, I love it.
But that's how you get the skin, you know?

Speaker 2 You know, the first time I did it, did you know that I left? What do you mean? Yeah, when you started to cry or whatever? Yeah, yeah. So I remember that.
I didn't know what it was, right?

Speaker 2 So I show up. It was Norton.

Speaker 2 It was Greg. It was Patrice.
It was a bunch of people, right? Yeah. And they were ripping on me so hard.
I didn't know what it it was. And I just stood up and I left.
You walked out. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then, so the next year, I had to do it again. And I thought, and I looked at the like press thing.
I go, I got to do it again. Right?

Speaker 2 So, but this time I go, I'm going to go in like self-deprecating myself. Yes.

Speaker 2 Smart. Right.
Yeah, I'm fat. I'm ugly.
I mean, I went crazy. And that's what fit in there.
You know what I mean? So, yeah, it was really hard at first, but

Speaker 2 it changed the way I approached things, man. It was a really cool show.
You just have to get used to.

Speaker 2 I remember, like, one time Piff, the magic dragon, came in, and he was a little late, and I felt bad because he's like, I'm stuck in traffic.

Speaker 2 He's got his fucking dragon costume on, even though he sells tickets. You're like,

Speaker 2 Jesus, it's got a son. You don't know him? No.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 America's got talent. Yeah, he's like, one, America's got talent.
He's got millions of dollars, but he's got to walk around in a fucking dragon suit. And I remember he was like late.

Speaker 2 He's fucking magic. Yeah.
So, you know, you feel bad. You're like, what the fuck? This kid's in a dragon suit.
It was the summertime, but he's got to do it. It's the actor.
He's making real money.

Speaker 2 So he sat down, and

Speaker 2 some sandwich shop had come with sandwiches. And I went to go give Piff a piece of sandwich because I felt bad.
And Jim Norton was like, don't give him any food. This isn't a fucking fort.

Speaker 2 And then he just

Speaker 2 wanted to give the kid a sandwich. He goes, you give him a piece of food, you get the fuck off my show.
And I was like, oh, this is great. You know, he said, this isn't a fort.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So that's just how they are. But it's great.

Speaker 2 I don't know. Why do I not know who Piff is? You would have killed on Opian Anthony.
Oh, you just had a lot of people. You would have been the guy for that.

Speaker 2 If you lived in New York, you would have been a regular there. You and Norton, all those.
I wish I lived in New York.

Speaker 2 When I started, I started out here, and I thought it was a bad decision, but I already moved out here. Right.
For me, it was like, am I going to move to New York or am I going to move to LA?

Speaker 2 The difference between living in New York and LA is you have a Mercedes and I have a Chevy Equinox. That's the difference.

Speaker 2 That was, we talked about this the other day. The funniest quote that Tim Dylan ever said to me: he's like, I got to get the fuck out of New York.
All my heroes take the train.

Speaker 2 Joe Rogan's going to gigs and spaceships and shit. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He would.

Speaker 2 I mean, honestly, it's, it's, it, but the difference is like, we just, the difference from why I had to start out here, I think, was New York to me was too tough in my mind.

Speaker 2 I was like, I'll never make it in that comedy scene out there. This fucking, because they're all, most of you guys are East Coast guys that grew up there, right? Yes.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Not out here, it's assholes from everywhere. So it was more comfortable for me to go, if I'm going to go to a place where most people aren't from there, at least we'll have that in common.
Right.

Speaker 2 That you're from, even you, from San Diego. It's like, this isn't your home.
You know, so like, even guys that are local here, no one's fucking from here. Right.

Speaker 2 Like the only guys I can think that are born and raised in L.A. were like,

Speaker 2 shit, I don't know what famous comic, what comics do we know that were born and raised here? I can't name fucking one.

Speaker 2 I don't know any of my friends that were born and raised here. They were born and raised in Los Angeles.
In L.A.? No. I don't know any.

Speaker 2 I mean, surround near L.A., a lot of guys are from like either Riverside or Inland or Orange County or, but no one's from like Hollywood or L.A. Yeah, yeah.
No, it's not. Right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I can't think of anything. So I felt comfortable because then whenever I go to New York, it's like, you're off of Brooklyn or Queens or whatever.
I'm like, that's like your home.

Speaker 2 So you're already safe.

Speaker 2 To me, that was the scariest thing. That's, yeah, I think too.
Like, sometimes people, I remember early on, would be like, oh, you know, it's crazy really taking a leap doing comedy.

Speaker 2 It's like, I'm not. I'm taking the train six stops to fucking live my dream.
This was insane for me. This is insane.
What you guys did is left your home to come.

Speaker 2 That to me is way more impressive than I took, literally took, if it didn't work, I could just take the train back. I was living with my mother.
If it never worked out, what were you going to do?

Speaker 2 I was a physical therapist. I was a PDF.
That was going to be a physical a therapist. Yeah, I mean, that's, I had a doctor degree.
I have it still in physical therapy.

Speaker 2 So I just fucking was a pediatric physical therapist. It's just what when the pandemic hit, Governor Cuomo from New York just gave every healthcare professional that's licenses had expired or lapsed.

Speaker 2 They didn't have any criminality on it or anything. They just reinstated our license.
I got an email. They're like, congratulations, you've been reinstated.
So now I'm a licensed physical therapist.

Speaker 2 I could give both of you guys advice on camera. No problem.
No, I cannot be sued. Really?

Speaker 2 And I haven't done it in six years. It's been lapsed for for whatever, six, seven years.
Yeah, I left, I became professional comedian or left physical therapy to do comedy full-time in 2013.

Speaker 2 So yeah, seven years. So

Speaker 2 you were taking on PT clients while you were still doing stand-up? Oh, of course, dude. That's how I used to go.

Speaker 2 Any show I got on in the beginning would be doing the open mics and then either, you know, bringing three people or handing on flyers, but most of them were,

Speaker 2 hey, I have a bar show. I don't know who you are, but I heard you're a physical therapist, which is a doctor to them.
Can you take a look at my back or my knee or so many dicks.

Speaker 2 I'm not even trying to be funny. It's like so many comedians would be like, can you look at my penis? For what? For like something wrong? STDs.
And I'd be like, but I'm a physical therapist.

Speaker 2 Like, I can, I give massages.

Speaker 2 They were like, look at my dick. Look at my dick.
And then I'd be like, look, I'm not licensed to tell you this, but it is herpes.

Speaker 2 But I'm not, but don't, but, but then they would give me spots on the show. So so many comedians that like, I've looked down their fucking dick holes many times and like, oh, okay, go up, go do five.

Speaker 2 And that's the nicest. The nice, truly, the nicest dick I've ever seen.
And it's, by the way, it's clean as a fucking whistle. Comic.
Dan Soder. Sodi.
Sodi.

Speaker 2 Beautiful, beautiful cock. Yeah.
Beautiful cock. He's got that deep guttural voice, too.
And clean, clean, clean. Who's the dirtiest? Dirtiest dick I've ever seen.
Gary Goldman.

Speaker 2 Who's the dirtiest cock that I really saw? That was like, oof. There were like flies coming up.
No. He seems to go as a dirty dick.
I don't know. I don't have a dirty penis.

Speaker 2 My penis is clean. I can think off the top of my head now, who had just a real disgust.
Joe DeRosa. Disgusting cock.
Fucking pig.

Speaker 2 No, Joe DeRosa is clean, clean. I was talking about Joe yesterday.
No, I love you, Joey D. Joey.
Joey. Joe DeRosa.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but that's, that's, well, it's funny to think that you, you could, if this all falls apart, you could still do PT. Like, if this falls apart, you're not, you're fucked.

Speaker 2 Like, if you get out of comedy, you're, you're can't, you can't do anything. You'd be a great PT, by the way.
Asians are great PTs. Thank you.
I'll do PT.

Speaker 2 Because they have little hands they get in between the bones

Speaker 2 go right in between the bones piti piti yeah they go pita oh most of them are pilipino yeah pilipino you know it's offensive that you say that like first i i i i would kind of i'd have to work i would figure it out no you wouldn't it it's like if there was a zombie apocalypse right oh my god is gonna go okay i'm gonna die yep no no no no i'm gonna go yes no i'm gonna do the fucking

Speaker 2 what is this what bother you building the fucking no dude the window right and the fucking wood planks i'm gonna board it i'm boarding up the window

Speaker 2 And no, you're not a fucking.

Speaker 2 You don't have a hammer in your house or nails or fucking wood. Dude, I'm gonna fucking

Speaker 2 farm, dude. Shovel, baby.
Right, we gotta eat. I'm gonna farm, plant seeds, organic seeds.
This is a guy that's a bad guy. Bobby's a guy that orders food every fucking night.

Speaker 2 He's never Bobby in his life. Bobby's very smart and very.

Speaker 2 I remember when we went out for that breakfast after the first time we met, you were the one who told me you said, Hey, you should have some real estate, you should invest.

Speaker 2 You're very good and smart with your money. Thank you.
Very good. I don't remember that, but thank you, right? No, you do.
I'm going to put the barbed wire.

Speaker 2 I'm going to do it. Put the barbed wire on the top of the fucking fence, right?

Speaker 2 You know what I'm going to do?

Speaker 2 Cement

Speaker 2 bricklayer. No, no, no, no.
No, the Chinese do that.

Speaker 2 They're good at it with the Chinese.

Speaker 2 Right? And then put the fucking pole in the ground. So when

Speaker 2 they get stabbed, right?

Speaker 2 There's you in reality. It's a zombie apocalypse.

Speaker 2 There's the internet? Yeah, there will. Yeah, there will.
There will be. You think nerds are going to take the nerds will preserve the internet before anything else.
Everything else will fail.

Speaker 2 They're like, we need to have fucking internet.

Speaker 2 You'll still be online playing a game.

Speaker 2 There was a

Speaker 2 Korean zombie film on Netflix called Hashtag Alive.

Speaker 2 Pretty good, right? Never seen it. Yeah, and it's about a Korean kid, right? He lives in an apartment complex.
Everyone goes zombie, right? And he now has to survive.

Speaker 2 When I was watching the movie, I did think, oh, I'd die.

Speaker 2 I would die. You wouldn't.
I think you're a survivor bomb. Nah, you're wrong.
You are a survivor.

Speaker 2 I need like ramen or something. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I got you the lobster flavor for your birthday.

Speaker 2 Oh, God, lobster sounds like the fucking baby. This is a nong shim, ball noodle, savory soup, lobster, artificially flavored.
It's BPA. No.
No, no offense. No offense.
But I'm not going to take it.

Speaker 2 Are you serious? Seriously? Yeah, I know. I bought you a gift.
That's food. But that's a dollar.
No, it's not. But then I bought you the chocolate chip espresso cake.
I don't know why that. No power.

Speaker 2 You know what's so funny? I went out of my way to get this cake, and I knowing that.

Speaker 2 See, there's a relationship that you have to understand about it. Like, I already knew that this was a waste of money and time, but I did it anyway.

Speaker 2 Because unconditional love is what you're doing. You have to adopt that account, though.
I'm going to say that the cake in itself, right? Yeah. I'm not probably going to eat it.
Of course not. Right.

Speaker 2 But the idea that you went out of your way to buy it,

Speaker 2 it flutters my heart. But would you ever say the blood pressure medication? Yeah, that could.
That probably is.

Speaker 2 It probably is. You could be having a stroke.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I thank you so much for it. Do you mean it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Can I nitpick a bit?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I like to nitpick.
Yeah, because I know it's coming. Yeah, it's just, you know, because, you know, I got cakes from my girlfriend last night, right?

Speaker 2 And you could tell that it was from a high-end,

Speaker 2 like a high-end bakery. And that, you know, she put like a month in.

Speaker 2 It's one of those places, like, you got it less than a month in advance because we enrich the wheat or whatever, however, they make steak, right? Yeah, they enrich the wheat.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and we get like, you know what I mean,

Speaker 2 Himalayan salt. Double zero flour.
And we use, you know what I mean, duck eggs instead of breakfast. You know what I mean? They really

Speaker 2 organic and American-free, right?

Speaker 2 But this was like Ralph's.

Speaker 2 That's Ralph's.

Speaker 2 Two things.

Speaker 2 We made 10,000 of these, and we don't give a fuck. First of all, how much is that? $3.99.
First of all, it costs dollars to put stuff on top of it. That's what that is.
$18.99. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's Vons.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Okay.
So really, where'd you get that?

Speaker 2 Vons. Yeah, exactly.
It's not from a bakery. It's from Vaughn, the bakery at Vons, the grocery store.
Oh, yeah. And the woman said, I said, can you write stuff on cakes?

Speaker 2 She said, no, we usually can't write stuff anymore because of people want obscenities or something gross and we can't do that. So you did that? No, she said, she said, but I will write happy birthday.

Speaker 2 I said, well, will you write his nickname? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she said, I don't think we can. I said, it's my friend Bobby Lee.
She goes, the comedian? I said, yeah. And she goes, I love him.
I said, really? She goes, yes. She goes, I'll be right back.

Speaker 2 So she wrote, Happy Birthday, Sleepy Bobo Noodles.

Speaker 2 I did not tell her to say that. She wrote

Speaker 2 for racism.

Speaker 2 She wrote that. Why?

Speaker 2 She was Asian. Oh, that's fine then.
She was Asian.

Speaker 2 So I appreciate the gesture. Yeah.
It's in my heart. Martha at Vaughan.
Martha Advait.

Speaker 2 Oh, this is ghetto shit. Elevate your game.

Speaker 2 This is ghetto shit. Elevate your game.
Is there anything fun if you cut into it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Am I not right, Italian?

Speaker 2 Do it, don't do it. No, no, do it, do it, do it.
It'll end everything. Yeah, it'll end the episode.
No, it'll end everything.

Speaker 2 Do it, you fucking dude. I appreciate the gesture, right?

Speaker 2 Please don't do it.

Speaker 2 Do it, do it, and then I'll fucking punch him in the face.

Speaker 2 Exactly.

Speaker 2 Threaten me again. Do it.
Say I won't do it. All right, but all right, I'm gonna do it, but I will do it, I promise you.
Okay. But I promise you, if that cake hits my face,

Speaker 2 you haven't seen the side of me, and it's going to cause problems.

Speaker 2 So you're a full-blown. You think I'm scared of you, bitch?

Speaker 2 You think I'm fucking scared of you? You're a full-blown pussy,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 If you don't fucking throw that cake at my face. So you said, don't throw it at your face.

Speaker 2 And now you want me to throw it at your face. I don't want you to do it, but you're a pussy if you don't.
But if you do it, it's going to end the podcast.

Speaker 2 Oh, this is it forever. Yeah, yeah.
This is the last episode. But you're a pussy if you throw it out.
How much long are you going to do the podcast anyway, though, dude? Maybe another week or or two.

Speaker 2 Do it, dude.

Speaker 2 Do it, you fucking Democrat.

Speaker 2 You know why? No, I'm kidding. No, do you know why? I'm not gonna throw it.

Speaker 2 Do you know why? Well, he's a pussy. No, no, because I'll have to clean it up.
Right. Because he doesn't do anything here.
He's a lazy piece of shit. He shows up late and doesn't contribute at all.

Speaker 2 Right. So I don't want to clean it up.

Speaker 2 Or worse comes to worse,

Speaker 2 he'll make Rudy clean it up, which is even more disgusting. Is it good, the cake?

Speaker 2 You don't bring any utensils. No, no, there's utensils there if we want to eat it.
Let's eat it. Happy birthday, you piece of shit.
Happy birthday. Look into the camera there,

Speaker 2 Chris, and say thank you for being a bad friend. Thank you for being a bad friend.
Let Chris say it.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 You're an animal.

Speaker 2 Now say it. Thank you for being a bad friend.