Great Balls of Fire

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Come see me and Christy Stefano on the East Coast as I do October 8th, 9th, 10th, and 11th. Go to AndrewSantino.com.
You can find out where I'm doing all that stuff. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? White dude and Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Papa got them dope shades on. Hi, rude.
Hi. How are you? How are you, dude? Hey, little baby, when you're gone and all, and you're saying that down there.
Nope. Nope.
Nope. Hey, little baby, hey, little girl, and you're shining it down, Nope.
Nope.

Nope.

Hey, little baby, hey, little girl is your daddy home. Oh, sound like a liar.

Oh, I'm on fire.

True.

Hey, little baby, when you're shining it on and I don't know why,

but you don't know, don't know.

Mm-hmm.

And your mind's on fire.

Nope.

Oh, I'm on fire. Hey, little baby, when you're dummy dumb and you don't know, mine's socket all night long.
Yeah. Oh, oh, I'm on fire.
You know, I always sing that song. It's raining ash.
Hallelujah, it's raining ash. Ash, smoke, fire, it's all on fire.
It's all on fire. Fire, fire, fire, fire.

Great balls of fire.

What's going on?

He used to date his cousin of 14.

What?

That guy that sang great balls of fire.

Henry Connick.

Henry Connick Jr.? That's not his name.

Henry Lee Lewis?

Henry Connick Jr.?

Didn't they make a movie?

You know who played him? Who? One of the Quaid brothers. Randy.
Either one. Jason.
Terry. Taylor Quaid.
Taylor Quaid. Taylor Quaid played the guy in the movie.
I love it. Great Balls of Fire.
Hi, Root. Hi.
Hey. It's so smoky outside.
I'm going to show you something. This is incredible.
This got sent to me this morning. We can't play the music, but people at home can look it up.

Someone took the footage of what's going on in San Francisco and put it to the Blade Runner soundtrack.

Oh, shit.

And we can't play the music because, you know, YouTube will get us.

But look at how insane this looks.

This is all legit.

This is what it looks like, what's going on down there.

Oh, my God.

Look at how insane that is.

This is not doctored.

There is no filter on this.

Oh, my God. This is real drone footage that's up on the interweb.
What color is that, Bob? Reddish orange. Santino.
That's Andrew Santino. Oh, Andrew Santino color.
That literally looks like me. That's like as if I blanketed the city of San Francisco.
Yeah. It's a terrible color.
Terrible. It's a terrible color.
Imagine if you have to live with it all over over your body yeah this San Francisco knows what I feel like for a couple of days the ridicule that they're facing this is what I feel every day of my life yeah but you know what actually your face structure and stuff like God didn't fuck you entirely no no no the face is okay he gave you a pretty good face not bad so he wanted you know I'm going to make he probably turned to Mosesoses and you know saint somebody and said moses was around moses saint somebody cleopatra whoever it might be i'm gonna make he's southern so you know god's southern oh he is yeah because you know look at the christians let me tell you something i'm fixing to make me a little dude and he i'm gonna make him freckle face redheaded yeah but i'm gonna make him kind of good looking he's gonna be okay Yeah, yeah, yeah. And everyone's like laughing, right? But let's see.
He's going to make him freckle-faced, red-headed. But I'm going to make him kind of good-looking.

He's going to be okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And everyone's like laughing, right?

But let's see. He's going to die anyway.

He's going to die.

People are going to kill him.

When he's young, people are going to kill him.

But watch.

And he threw you down there, and you fucking survived it all.

And all the disciples, like Cleopatra and St. Somebody, was like, I can't believe he survived God.

They survived it, yeah.

And he was like, no, I'm not.

Well, I'm not going to make another one of those again.

That's the last one I'm going to do.

When he made you, he went, check this out.

Check out this big-headed little flat-faced dude

I'm about to make right here.

This buggy-eyed, massive-headed dude.

You're going to love this dude.

This dude is short, stumpy, stocky.

Fucking asshole.

Short, stumpy, stocky.

God's an asshole right now.

He's never going to get over five feet tall,

even with lifts in his shoes.

And this little dude is going to be ugly. When he made Rudy.
What did he say when he made Rudy? You know what I'm going to make? You know what I mean? I'm going to make a human pygmy. A little pygmy? Yeah, a pixie pygmy.
A little pixie pygmy girl. Yeah, and this one right here is going to, her face is going to look like a tiny bean.
Like a little bean, like a little pinto. I'm going to make one ear bigger than the other ear.
Could you have noticed that? Yeah, yeah. Which one is bigger, Ruth? My love.
Take off your headphones real fast so we can see. Show the camera.
I'm going to make one ear bigger. Listen, man.
Whoa. It's big.
Hey, listen to me, man. Hey, man, listen to me, man.
Sorry, man. Like, if she was a bird, she wouldn't be able to fly, or she'd fly in a circle.

That's why I'm going to make one ear bigger than that, right?

I'm going to make really skinny, skinny, like, gollum-y arms.

Tiny arms.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Little T-rays.

Big feet, though.

Huge feet.

Big Sasquatch feet, though.

Sasquatchy feet.

Big feet.

You can water ski on them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't even need water skis.

You got skis on your feet right now. Well, if she lived in the, if she was an Eskimo, she wouldn't need snowshoes.
You know those snowshoes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She wouldn't need snowshoes.
She wouldn't need snowshoes. And we're going to have her funny accent, and she's going to love dumb things like anime.
Anime. But she's going to be a master of knives.
Oh, yeah. A master of knives.
Oh, yeah.

You'll see.

Look at this.

They found Rudy on the internet.

So many fans sent this to us, by the way.

This is Rudy.

Rudy, you got found on the internet.

I don't know if you've ever seen this clip.

Let's see.

The music is the theme of Halloween.

Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

Look at this little girl.

Tell me this isn't Rudy.

Little mini Rudy. Rudy.
Juliana, what were you doing there? Yeah, what was going on? Yeah. That really is her.
How creepy is that? Fucking creepy. The mom just gave this little girl, this little girl's got to be like, I don't know, seven, six, seven.
And she's just like, here's a knife, here's a mask, and made her dance around in the living room.

That looks exactly like Rudy, by the way. It's the same color

brown, isn't it? But we don't know the face.

She could be 42. She is.

If she's Asian, then that's... That's an LP.

That's a little person. That's an average.
That's a little person.

Sized. You know what I said the other day?

I just saw Brad Williams this morning. I just played

golf with him, speaking of little people. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

That...

I played golf with Brad this morning?

You...

Thank you. I just saw Brad Williams this morning.
I just played golf with him, speaking of little people. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
I played golf with Brad this morning. You? What? Where do you get his clubs? What do you mean? I mean, is there? No.
Couldn't I just ask? Go ahead, yeah. Oh, but there's probably, like, because he goes to Baby Gap or whatever, right? No.
For his clothes. So you probably, there's probably, is there a baby golf club store? Yeah.
No, I'm being real. Is there golf clubs for kids? That's what mini golf is.
I know, but are there golf clubs? I'm being real. I'm not going to make fun of them.
Yeah, there are golf clubs for kids. Yes, there are.
And he's using the golf clubs for kids? I think he gets adult clubs fashioned for him. You can get them shortened.
Bob. It's amazing.

You know what I thought about the other day?

No, but let's – and does he wear – when he does the golf cart, is there like a little miniature like – you know what I mean?

One that –

It's a sidecar.

Mattel makes.

Have you ever seen like a motorcycle with a sidecar?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So there's a golf cart and there's a mini golf cart right next to it. Oh, I see.
And he gets into that one. So that's great.
That's wonderful. That just makes me laugh.
He was good at golf. I've never seen a dwarf golf.
Have you ever seen it? I've never seen it. I mean, I've played with Brad before.
I've never seen a dwarf do a lot of things. Like what? Skydive.
I have. Oh, you have? I don't know if they...
You would think that they would just fly away. I don't think...
They go, ah, and then the wind would just take them to Argentina.

I don't know if he was skydiving or they were throwing him out of the plane,

but I did see a dwarf get pushed out of a plane.

Oh, I'm sure they were pushed out as a joke.

I don't think he got a shoot.

Yeah, I think they pushed him out.

Yeah, as a joke.

You know what I mean?

No, Brad's a good golfer.

No, there's no way.

There's no way.

Yeah, he is.

Is the hole closer to him?

Like in the middle of the... It's bigger.
It's twice as big. Oh, it's twice as big.
It's twice as big for him. Am I being mean? No.
Yeah, I love him. No, we love Brad.
He's what a great little guy. He's awesome.
He's my favorite. Because I'm so small.
Yeah. I'm so small that like- You're not much bigger than Brad.
I know. That's the thing.
Yeah. Like, you know, when I'm around Brad, I always whisper to him, I go, I just like hanging out with you because, you know, the whole world has always been like, I'm the dwarf.
No, it really has because when I'm around Brad I always whisper to him I go I just like hanging out with you because you know the whole world has always been like I'm the dwarf no it really has because when I walk into places everyone's so much bigger than I am I kind of have to look up I want to like rub your head whenever I see you because you're below me so then when I'm around Brad I go I just like this is new this is just a good experience for me well you know what I said I said the other day I was I want to play with Brad. And I was thinking about Brad because I hadn't seen him in a long time.
And I thought, Brad must feel more vulnerable than we ever think sometimes. Like imagine walking on the street at any moment.
Some psycho, some crazy dude on the street on drugs could just kick him. Someone could just run up and just and boot him.
Right. I mean, think about that.
think about every day of your life some crazy person could when you walk past a crazy person on the street it's like you know that guy that like yells at the trash yeah that guy could just turn and see him and go hey and brad's like uh just runs up to him and could kick him yeah physically boot him yeah i think about that like he could just get kicked someone could just run up and kick him don't you how crazy is that yeah but when you could kick a dwarf something bad that's gonna happen it's seven years bad luck i'm sure it's seven years something bad it's like when you break a mirror it's like putting a hat on a bed or you know i mean yeah that's bad yeah yeah what is it black hat don't walk under a ladder don't walk under a ladder um don't do cross kick a dwarf don't kick a dwarf don't kick a dwarf don't cross eyes if you want to go cross eyes You can't go back Right Right Hair Well you know my dad used to say If you jerk off too much You get hairy hands Hairy hands Yeah yeah Did you know that one? Parents used to tell their kids If you masturbate You're gonna get hairy hands What's the other one? And I would just masturbate And I'd look at my hand Nothing Yeah Still nothing Asians are hairless For the most part I hairless for the most part. Maybe it's in the inside of the hand.

Because I have to shave.

I've shaved this every day.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That's funny.

Now, there's so many of those.

Do you believe in that stuff, Root?

Do you believe in that?

In bad luck stuff?

Do you believe in any of this superstition?

Is that what it is?

No, I mean, I have OCD things where I have to touch things three times or like in a movie theater.

I have to look at a guy three times in back of me.

Shut up.

Oh, yeah.

When you sit down, you have to turn and look three times?

No, that's why if you watch... OCD things where I have to touch things three times or like in a movie theater, I have to look at a guy three times in back of me.

Shut up.

Oh, yeah.

When you sit down, you have to turn and look three times?

No, that's why if I'm at a movie theater and we're watching a movie, you'll never see me turn around.

Because if I turn around, like if I turn around and look at somebody, I'll go, this is what will happen.

This is what you'll see.

Okay.

I'll be watching the movie. Oh, look at Tom Cruise just jumping over buildings.
Does his own stunts. What an amazing guy.
Oh, look at him go. He's little, but he seems big.
Why do you have to keep looking over? Watch the movie. Stop looking at me.
No, I'm not looking. No, that's not.
I haven't done it yet. Well, don't look at me anymore.
Stop it. No, you're the guy I'm sitting next to.
Oh, so I should be watching the movie. Yeah, you're watching the movie too.
Yeah, yeah, sorry. So this is why I'm watching.
Oh, wow. Look at him go.
Yeah, he's so. Maybe I should become a Scientologist.
That's what I think when I see Tom. Maybe.
Yeah, yeah. It looks good.
And I go, what's going on? What are you doing? That's what I have to do. So what do you need to look? Do you recognize him? No.
It's just a human being. You make eye contact.
I think that something bad is going to happen if I don't turn around two more times. He's going to – No.
No. It has nothing to do with him.
Just in general. In general, I think like if I don't do it, that I'm going to lose the theater and then a dwarf is going to kick me.
Oh, that makes sense. Something like that.
That makes sense. Or I'm going to get in a car accident or something will happen.

I do it when I'm at night.

Do you have to touch the light switch?

This is when last night Kalilah was sleeping next to me.

And my elbow hit her.

Right?

Yeah.

So then I have to do this.

This elbow and then this elbow.

And then it woke her up.

She's like, what are you doing? Are you doing that thing again? Yeah, yeah, I can. Oh, dude, that's OCD.
It's crazy, yeah. That's not superstition.
That's like OCD. That's like an excessive compulsive disorder.
No, it's superstition. Nope.
Do you have superstition, Rude? When I point at a tree at night, I always do this. Yeah.
What? When you point at a tree? Yeah, if ever I point at a tree, I have to like... Bite your finger? Yeah.
Okay, okay. What kind of Filipino voodoo shit? That dude, I've never heard that before in my life.
A tree. That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard.
Because you know what? Because you're thinking to yourself, how the fuck did you come up with that? Yeah, wait, wait. The first time.
Wait, how do you bite it? How do you bite your finger? Show me. That's it? I can imagine her going like this, looking at a tree one day and going, I have to do something.
You know what I mean?

Do I tap my feet three times?

You know what I mean?

Do I raise my hands and do this with my hands?

You know what I mean?

No, I'll do this.

What does this mean? What is that?

Rudy, what does that mean?

Older people said that if you point at a tree, if you don't bite it, then your fingers are

going to be cut off.

It's Filipino folklore.

That's Filipino folklore.

So somebody taught her that. Yeah.
That's crazy. When you point at a tree, your finger's going to get cut off? Yeah, by some kind of monster.
I mean, it's crazy. Have you been to Philippines? There's trees everywhere.
So you just see Filipinos biting their fucking fingers. All day just walking around.
It's crazy. Hi, how are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We got to cut those trees down. This is getting out of control.
You know what I mean? That's the weirdest thing. It's insane.
The only thing I had was in high school. This was crazy, and it went away because in my mind I thought, oh, shit, this is going to be here forever.
When I got out of the shower in high school, you know when you – we had a knob that – and you pop it out and then you can turn hot or cold.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

And when you push it in, the little drain thing goes down.

So when I – when that went down, I would have to catch it before it went down and spin it on my finger.

Yeah, that's weird too.

Crazy.

That's crazy.

It would go because the noise was like kink, kong.

So I'd go kink and then catch it and I'd spin it and then I'd have – in my mind, I'd have a good day. Yeah, that's pretty crazy.
Right? Isn't that weird? But you know what's weirder? Pointing at a tree and putting your finger on your mouth. That's crazy.
That's really strange. Biting it.
Mine was like a, mine was like just a habit of not making the noise because it was so loud when it clamped. That's like saying you have to do something when you see the sun.
Yeah, you have to go, I got to run me up to work!

You know what I mean?

Yell at the sun?

Yeah, it's just something that's just so like, when you see a cloud, right, you have to put two fingers on your eyebrows, right?

And go, ala yuja, ala yuja, whatever.

It's crazy.

Yeah, but I've seen that before in the Philippines.

They do that.

They do that.

But you know what my mom used to say?

Because when I used to, I don't know if you guys did this, but when you have a charlie horse.

Oh, right, yeah. Or you have a Charlie horse, or you have a dead leg, you know, you have a Charlie horse, you lick your finger, right? Three times, and you put it on your nose.
That doesn't help the Charlie horse. It does.
No way. I swear to God it does.
Really? Yeah. It does.
If you have a Charlie horse, go ahead. What about when you get a, you know when you get a muscle cramp? You know when your leg tightens up? Yeah, yeah.
The worst feeling in the world when you're like, oh, oh, oh, oh. And you try to go straight with it and you're like, oh, oh, oh.
And it hurts even more? Lick your nose. Lick it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God. It works every time.
Really? Yeah. I think it's psychological.
It's getting your brain away from the feeling? Yeah, away from the feeling maybe. Yeah, yeah.
That's so strange. Like whenever I would have a sore tooth or something and my mom, she would come in the room and I'd say, oh, I have a sore tooth.

And she's like, I'm going to go get something.

And she would leave the room and never come back.

And the soreness would go away.

I thought she was going to go get something for me. And I was thinking about what she was going to get.

And she never would come back with something.

And it would go away. Really? I swear to God.
Because it's's in your mind i think she's going to go get something to help me you know it's it's it's funny it's like my parents didn't know about like traditional things that you tell kids or you know or folklore american folklore any of that tooth fairy and stuff that right so you know you you you hear about it from friends right? Yeah. If you put, right? So, you know, you hear about it from friends,

right? Yeah. If you put, as a

kid, you know, if you put your

tooth underneath your pillow,

you get a dollar, right?

But your parents have to know about that,

right? So I would just... Why would they have to know about it?

Tooth, because at the end of the day,

it's their parents that put the fucking dollar

in there, right? It's not really a tooth fairy.

Yes, it is. What are you talking about? No, like Santa Claus, right? Your parents have to know about Santa Claus for them.
Well, they have to know about it to teach you about who he is. No, no, no, about...
Because they're the ones that buy the presents and put the presents underneath the tree. I love what you're doing.
I think you're... This character is so funny.
I think you're a little misinformed. I don't know how they do it in South Korea.
Yeah, so... So what you're telling me, Andrew...
Santa Clausia. Yeah, yeah.
Santa Clausia. So you're Saint Nick, a fat white guy who probably has diabetes.
He does have diabetes. Yes.
And I don't know how old these reindeer are. 148,000 years old.
He says that. He says that all the time.
He says that in the songs. Yeah.
He goes to every single house, billions of houses in one night. Yeah.
Okay. How could it not be possible? Have you never seen him tracked on NORAD? Do you know what NORAD is? No.
You don't know who NORAD is? They track where he goes. They track Santa Claus on NORAD with satellites.
I don't know where he is right now. Let's see.
Official NORAD Santa tracker. Let's see what he's up to.
Rudy, don't laugh. Come back December 1st.
All right. So the tracker's off right now.
Anyway, the joke I was going to tell about my parents about the tooth, but the joke is not going to work now. Hold on.
We can get back. I'm just going to throw it out there just because I have OCD about it.
Okay, what is it? I think the bit I was trying to go for is that I just, I don't know, something about maybe I had 15 feet, teeth underneath my pillow over the years, something like that. I don't know.
It wasn't going to work. Let me give you one.
No, it's okay. You just fucked my joke, but.
I didn't. No, let's go back to NORAD, though.
No, no, stop. NORAD's not up right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, can I tell you?

There's a friend of mine.

Because then I was going to go

to another bit about...

You can go into the bit.

I was going to go about another bit,

but then the bits aren't going to work now

because your joke was funnier

about the thing.

Yeah, sorry.

Yeah, yeah.

About not knowing what...

But did you...

But I had to throw the jokes up

because I have OCD.

Did your dad not know about Tooth Fairy for what? But here's another shitty joke I was going to get into. Okay, give me one.
They're not even true. These jokes I was going to throw out, but I have to say it now because of my OCD.
It's your joke. This is the episode, right? So I'm just going to do it.
Yeah. It's just that that um you know like the things that you would tell your kids like the kid the thing is is that if you watch the tv so like what did they say your parents say if you sit too close to the tv what happens you go blind you're right that's what my dad kind of took it and made it his own korean way he would go if you watch tv too close grandpa's gonna die right?

and then I'd be like

he's dead already

he goes

you did it

so that was the joke

I was gonna say

see that's still good

I know

but imagine the joke

now

if I didn't with the pretext

sorry

I know

I shouldn't have played

I would have hit a home run there

it was a third base

it was a triple

yeah

it was a triple in the corner

but you're very funny

thanks

and we have to go with

your gut instinct about that

yeah that was my instinct

yeah yeah yeah

but let me give you a joke

I'll see you next time. there it was a it was a third base it was a triple yeah in the part it was but you you know but you're very funny thanks and we have to go with your gut instinct about that that was my instinct yeah yeah but let me give you a joke that my friend i can't i'm not going to take credit for this yeah okay but my my friend used to have a joke my friend kinner had a joke years ago that made me laugh harder than i've ever laughed in my life and he used to say uh he's like my dad's from india and they don't know american you.
Yeah, yeah. And he used to say, the tooth fairy.
My tooth fell out, and I said, Dad, my tooth fell out. And he goes, okay, throw it in the trash.
And he said, no, no, no. I'm going to put it under the pillow, and the tooth fairy's going to come and give me money.
And he goes, what? What are you talking about? And he goes, if I put my tooth under the pillow, in the middle of the night, a fairy comes in and leaves me a dollar. Everyone at school is talking about it.
They're all losing their teeth. and he goes, if I put my tooth under the pillow in the middle of the night, a fairy comes in and leaves me a dollar.
Everyone at school is talking about they're all losing their teeth. And he goes, interesting.
And he goes to bed. And he says it wakes up the next day.
And he looks underneath his pillow. And there's no money under there.
His tooth is still there. And so are ten of his dad's teeth.
And his dad comes in and goes, come on, divvy up the cash. How much did we get? How good is that joke? That's a funny joke.
It's my buddy Kenner. But is that real? That didn't actually happen.
That's his joke. It's a joke.
It's a joke you should tell. Was he a stand-up? Kenner Shaw, yeah.
Yeah. Dude, it was the funniest joke.
It made me laugh. That's a very funny joke.
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Price and coverage match limited by state law, not available in all States. Whenever, whenever you can get into the depths of like the cultural, cultural differences, that's what I think when you're able to make fun of them as a standup, well, it's so fucking funny.
There's a few guys that do it so fucking well. Yeah.
That show the gaps of stuff. Oh, cause I don't have that.
Like for my parents, you know. But you could do like a Boston thing or a Chicago thing with your dad.
Yeah, it was just they're mean. Our parents are just mean.
American parents are just mean to their kids. Right.
And yours are mean because they want you to be good. Ours are mean because we're already bad kids.
Do you see what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. A foreigner's kid goes, you better be good because we worked hard to be here.

And American parents are like, you're a piece of shit and it's our fault. It's interesting you say that because I have been thinking about how foreigners come here.

And I know my parents were the same.

What year did they come to America?

In the late 60s.

What a time, huh?

Yeah.

But they come here for us, right? Solely for you. They come for the next generation.
They're going to get a good education. They're going to be cultured, a lot of culture.
You know what I mean? They're going to go to great college. I'm going to give them everything that I did not have.
And the next thing you know, their son is like doing crystal meth behind a tree jerking off into a Hustler magazine. Right? Yeah.
In the middle of the forest. Yeah.
Right? And that's what they made. Yeah.
Yeah. And their kids don't take advantage of it.
But you're actually the American dream. You bounced back.
Think about that. That's actually the American dream.
You bounced back. No, tell that to my dad.
In how many other – he's dead. In how many other countries – That's true.
How many other countries can someone do what you did, get into – By the way, in the Philippines, isn't drugs like – You go to prison for life for drugs? Yeah. So first of all, what other countries could you get in as low as you could and then still bounce back and look at you now? So many countries you'd be in prison or dead.
Well, yeah. I mean, if my parents had me there in Korea, you'd be dead.
Not just dead. I would or it could be like I can't maybe drugs aren't because I think drugs were tied into some of my trauma.
Yeah. Right.
So it's like maybe I wouldn't have gotten into drugs. Maybe I'd be a sake drinker or whatever.
Or, you know. Be an alcoholic or something else.
Yeah. But imagine the job I would have.
I would probably just be hauling rice. Right? Right.
In a factory. And I would, like, telling, you know, my friend Han a joke.
Yeah. And he's like, oh, I'm falling.
And my back is, like, hunched. I go, yeah, I know.
I'm falling, huh? You're so curved. That's your body? He's like, yeah.
If we had a stand-up comedy here, you could have done that. I know, but we don't.
So how many more bags? 52,000 more. You know, whatever.
I'd be just doing some fucking, you know. So you're living the literal American dream.
You bounced back from zero. Maybe I I'm very lucky right Jules you are very lucky so is she oh my god she's lucky we don't call the feds on her we can get you deported pal we can get you kicked out right away I see her sulk oh when she's sulk like she's studying right and she'll come out and her shoulders are down and she'll just just do a little pout like, oh, it's hot.
You know what I mean? Everything is so hot, depressed. You know what I mean? It's like, dude, we give you fucking everything.
Yeah, you have everything. What are you really depressed about though, Rudy? Depression can come from other things, Bob.
We know that. I'm not depressed.
I'm just tired from doing all my homework. You know, she started school.
Yeah, but what do you mean you're tired from doing your homework? Yeah. Oh, shut up.
Oh, my God. Rudy, shut up.
Shut up. You shut up.
Ungrateful. You ungrateful little brat.
Yeah. Are you really tired from doing your homework, though? It's bumming you out? Yeah, I'm just tired, yeah.
No, I get it. She gets straight A's, you know that, right? Yeah, because that's why she's tired.
She's actually doing it. You and I, we don't do it.
No, I was never tired. I got C's and D's.
Yeah. Did you really get C's and D's? Yeah.
Yeah, me too. Yeah, I know.
Terrible. That's why we are where we are.
I know, but when you got C's and D's, what did your parents say? To be expected. No, they didn't yell at you? No, so I was a C average, right? And I'd get a B once in a while.
Yeah. And then I'd get an A.
I got an A like only once or twice in high school, and it was in creative writing because that's what I knew I liked. Pretty good.
And the other one was in like econ or something like simple business math. You know what I mean? Like intro to econ or whatever.
Because it was easy. It was just like, oh, yeah, I know how to fucking balance a checkbook.
But I couldn't. You know who also got those good grades? Who? Trump.
That's exactly right. That's exactly right.
That's what he excelled at. That's exactly right.
That's what he excelled at. That's exactly right.
And then in high school, though, my parents were like, you're just going to have to figure out your own path. I never was going to go to a good college.
I was never that good of a student. You know why? School was boring.
So boring. I was miserable.
As soon as I got out, I felt good. I was like, oh, I can try everything.
I can do whatever I want. I can learn stuff if I need to learn shit.
I learn more now on my own than I ever did in school. You know how I would have got straight A's if they paid me? If money was an incentive? No, here's the thing.
Like even like when I used to be in the workforce in my 20s. Like in restaurants? Yeah, you wake up at 7 o'clock.
You have to be in the morning. Yeah.
At 6.30 you get up, right? And you're just like late, right? But you're going because you need to make money. Yeah, it's there.
That's why I'm up. If you had to get up and bus tables for free, you would never show up.
Why? Why am I going? You would never show up. Yeah.
So what my point is is that if you paid me, not a lot. Couple bucks.
Five bucks an hour. Fine.
Five buck a class. That's great.
I'd probably take 20 classes a day. I'd take as many as I could yeah i would never leave for every a you get like 2500 bucks holy shit i'd be straight straight a's i'd be an i'd be one of those there's no incentive yeah what is it you go you you basically you have to work hard for free yeah and it's like for me it's like what am I doing here? This is the worst – you know what I mean?

I'm absorbing information.

Why am I – what is this?

And most of the information – I hate to break to you, kid.

You're never going to use.

Most.

Some of it's very useful.

Like what?

Like what?

I think you should learn – I think you need to know basic math.

OK?

You need –

But only multiplication dividing.

Yeah, you need to learn percentages is probably – like –

I don't know any – I've never used it. Yeah, you do.
How? Tip. Oh, yeah.
I mean – yeah, but I'm not like – I just said basic math. Yeah, tip, all right, at a restaurant.
Basic numbers. If my bill was $33,000, $33,243.
What are you eating? Right, then I would have to learn that. What were you eating for $33,000? That's an insane bill.
I know. Where are you? I know.
But because when you generally go to a restaurant, it's like 50 bucks. You can just calculate in your head.
It's pretty easy to percentile. Can I try something? Oh, my God.
Your bill is $128. What do you tip? Just offhand? Well yeah, we're offhand.
I don't have a TI-83 nearby. I'll just tell you what I would tip.
That's what I'm asking you. How much? $128.
Just round it to $130. I would be $120.
I'd probably leave $40. That's an extremely nice tip.
Yeah. Do you know what 20% of that would be? Really? But that's what I would leave.
So if you round up to 130, 13 times 2 is 26? Because I know $100 is 15. 15% of $100 is $15.
Okay. Just start with the original number.
No, no, no. Let me just do it the way I would.
I think I thought.

Don't do that.

No, let me tell you something. That's why teachers never got through to me because of that.

Okay, let me revert back.

When teachers do that, you know what I mean?

It's fucking annoying as fuck.

Well, let me try it again.

Here you go.

I'm a teacher.

Ready?

I don't want to do this anymore.

Okay, so Bob.

I'm sweating.

So Bob.

I'm sweating.

So Bob.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Actually, how about this?

Don't challenge me.

You stay on that because you're over tipping and that's a good thing.

Yeah. That's a good thing.
Yeah.

That's a good thing.

Yeah.

20% would be around $26.

You're giving, you know.

Yeah.

You're fucking giving almost double.

You're giving like 40% tip.

So $3, so $15, $8.

So how much is the bill?

It was $128, but I said just around $130.

So I would pay to be 15% is $20 closer to that 15%?

Yeah.

What is it?

But you want to tip 20%, right?

I know, but what's 15%?

$20?

Yeah.

Yeah, so I would probably leave $40.

Double it.

Just go back to where we were before?

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, then I like that.

I think that's nice.

At least you're over-tipping.

You know?

There's nothing worse –

They had to pay you in school.

That was the bet.

Thank you. Just go back to where we were before? Yeah.
Okay. Well, then I like that.
I think that's nice. At least you're over-tipping.
You know? There's nothing worse— If they had to pay you in school, that was the bet. If they— They should pay.
They should pay. Yeah.
But you know what's so funny, though? Sometimes, like, I don't want to discuss this with you because I don't know you don't know anything about it. But they're trying to talk.
There's a pay to play in college sports.

That's a big deal.

It's a big argument whether people should.

Do you think college athletes should be paid?

Yeah.

Because does the school make money?

That's right.

And they make money because LeBron James or whatever.

He never went to college.

Let's make up a sport guy.

A running back.

Let's just make up a running back. Almost everyone else.
Just name another guy. His name is Fatim Aloha.
Fatim Muhammad? No, Fatim Aloha. Oh, Fulim Aloha.
Yeah, and he's from Nigeria. He's a great running back.
Yeah, he's amazing. Right.
He goes to Ohio State. And let's suppose he breaks all the records.
He runs it into the NZ. He runs it into the end zone, right? 20 times a game.
That's impossible, but yeah. I don't know how the sport works.
Just say like four times a game. That seems ridiculous to me.
12 times a day a game. 12 times a game.
He goes from the five yards into the NZs eight times a time. Every time a time? Eight times a time.
He's so good, right? Wow. Okay.
And he can weave and move around. And so the whole town of the, you know what I mean, Colombo.
Let's say there's a town called Colombo, right? And Colombo? It's a college. Colombo College.
3A college team. And Colombo's there.
Yeah, Colombo's there, right? He's like, you're a good runner. You're a good runner, kid.
And for Team Alohomio, right, right, he goes from the five to the Enzies, right? Yeah. Eight, nine times a game.
The whole town of Columbo realizes it. They love it.
They go, we don't usually support, you know what I mean, the Red Jams. That's the team's name.
They're called the Red Jams? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.
Yeah. The Columbo Red Jams.
Yeah, the Columbo Red Jams. And they don't, you know, we're only, you know, ninth division.
We're a 3A team, but we're ninth division. Oh, so they're 3A.
Yeah, yeah, 3A team, but we're ninth division, right? And during this regular season, right, they never win. They never win.
They never win, right? Even though they've got Fatima? No, they never won before Fatim. When Fatim showed up.
So the people in Colombo, they go, why do we go? It's embarrassing. You know what I mean? The Skylarks beat us every time.
Well, they're really good. Yeah, yeah.
Because they have that kid from New Guinea. Yeah, New Guinea.
And he's very good. The Skylarks, you know what I mean, always crush us.
right? He probably runs in the NZ maybe 13 times a game. Yeah, and the town of Middletown where Skylark school is.
It's Middleton. Middleton.
Middleton, right? And that kid, you know, they bury us every time. They're the best.
20 years that kid's been burying us. It's unbelievable.
Yeah, he can't get out of high school. It's college.
This is college sports. He can't get out of college.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, but to Sofutim, right, he comes, right, straight from Nigeria.
Right from the plane to the football field? Yeah, right to the field. Wow.
They go right to practice. And they realize right away, right, he's got, like, real strong legs.
He realized it right away. They even analyze it.
The sports doctor. You know how they all have a sports doctor? Yeah, Columbo.
They bring them in, right? And they analyze the team's legs,

right? And they see extra muscles around the calves. Uh-oh.

It's like, you know, the regular muscles, and there's another one

that protrudes out, right?

And they poke at it.

You know how doctors do? They poke at it,

right? Yeah. And they hear,

ding-ding, ding-ding-ding. It's metal?

No, it's not. But the muscle

makes a metal sound. It's good it's that tight that tight they take three steps back the doctors oh they look at it we got it we got the guy we got that guy the scout did hey randy yes some nerd with glasses he's in a wheelchair yeah it comes in he comes in.
He comes in, scrolls in, right? Yeah. Great job scouting him in Nigeria.
Oh, thank you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. And then so they push Randy out.
Oh. Right, right.
He's gone. And here's the ball.
Oh, they give Fatim the ball. Yeah, and let's give the ball because he's not the quarterback.
Right, no a running running Dylan Skybar right here I'm Dylan Skybar born and raised in Middleton I'm the Skylar hand it off to fucking you know and so he just like the roadrunner right the whole town the whole town the whole town of Columbo starts coming oh right before it was people came You know how many people live in Colombo? I think it's like 22,000 No What? 14 million 14 million people are in Colombo Yeah They all come They have to make the stadium so much bigger They gotta build a new stadium Yeah yeah They make it bigger than the biggest stadium ever Really? Yeah Wow 14 million people from Colombo are showing up to watch it 14 million people people are there, right? Okay. And, you know, they can charge so much.
They can charge $300 a head. Per ticket.
What? And now for team, he's pew, pew, every fucking year. Pew, pew, right? Touchdown.
Pew, pew. That's all he hears.
Touchdown. That's all you hear.
Touchdown. You could be, right, in fucking fucking Chicago And you could hear touchdown that loud You could hear touchdown that loud You're working at a fucking subway Not the sandwich shop In the subway Underground Touchdown Right? Fatim must have scored another touchdown.

Colombo, you know, I wish we didn't live, you know, so close.

But how close is Colombo to Chicago?

Two different states over.

Two states away I can hear touchdown that often?

Yeah, south.

Geez, Fahim is good.

I can't think of the states right now, but south, okay?

Yeah.

So then years go by.

And then one day Fatim, he goes halfway.

He doesn't go full way. He doesn't do that.

He stops. Right?

And he puts the football on the ground.

He sheds one tear like the American Indians do when you litter.

Oh boy. Yeah.

And he walks off the field.

Fatim. And why?

Because the school's making

billions of dollars. And Fatim still lives in with Because the school is making billions of dollars.

And Fatim still lives in with his grandmother, Doya.

He lives at Doya's house.

He has no money.

And he knows that the whole fucking town of Colombo, you know, he's making so much money, he gets nothing.

They're making money. That's why you have to pay college athletes.

Because of Fatim.

Exactly. What do you think? I pay college athletes.
Because of a team.

Exactly.

What do you think?

I think we should send this to the NCAA and see what they think.

Write it up.

Because I really – you know what?

You just wrote it.

I never had a cause.

I never had a cause.

I had never – you know.

But we're down with pay to play.

When I see – I get angry about things.

Yeah.

When I see Hispanic kids being at the border and they're, they put, they be put in cages.

It breaks my heart.

They're putting who in cages?

Well, you know how like people sneak over and then they take the Hispanic kids, they put them in the cages.

Well, yeah, cause they got so much energy.

What are you going to do to let them wind?

Oh, that's true.

Yeah.

You got to put them in something to keep them.

Maybe put them in a hotel room though.

Not, not out of Four Seasons, but like, you know, a Motel 6.

Like a courtyard, Marriott courtyard.

What did they put you in, Andres, when you guys came over? Yeah, you have never been big on causes. Yeah, but I think I could get behind that one because I think it's a travesty.
Pay to play is great. Particularly in fact when they make money.
What is the argument against it? Well, people that do argue against it, which I am not, they say it's usually this guy. Ready? It's this guy.
Yeah, I think we should start paying college kids. Let me tell you something stupid.
Well, please don't call me that. Let me tell you something.
It's a debate. They go to school for free.
They get a free education, okay? Which is life. It's life growth.
And then when they're done, they can go into the pros and get paid up there. But it doesn't work.
You get a free schooling, okay? And the money that you bring in goes to the team and the school itself to support this wonderful university. And we have history.
So, no, they don't deserve a dime. Yeah, but so Fatim's going to leave if you don't pay him.
Well, he can go on and go on then. But we won't.
Fatim! They think that because they get to go a free education, that's the benefit. That they get free food, free meals, free lodging, a free education, a free start.
Well, you don't pay everyone. Oh, so like...
Yeah, you don't pay... You don't pay everyone.
Only the good guys get paid. Yeah, the ones that are like, you know, the stars.
Yeah, but what do you say to the other guys then? Get better. Get better.
It gives them incentive. So give them incentive to get paid, just like you wanted before.
Yeah, like the Fatima situation. Let's say there's a guy named Todd.
Oh, fuck. Dude, I can't stand.
No, not Todd Phillips. That's a director.
He's a director, yeah. No.
Todd Todd. We don't know his last name.
His name is Todd Todd. Todd Rosende.
Todd Rosende. Thank you.
And Todd looks at 15 and he goes, hey, man, I can only do two a day a game. He only gets two NZs a game.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the guy at 15 is getting 16.
Yeah. Better than you.
If I was Todd, I would go to 15 one day and go, hey, man, in Nigeria, how do you get that extra muscle in your calf? No, honestly. Yeah.
I don't know how to do a Nigerian accent. When you run from tigers all the time.
That's the exact same accent you do for like everything. But when you run from tigers all the time.
Literally, I just found out about about that just now I'm shocked that they don't get paid anything yeah they don't it's insane it's a big debate because a lot of times I mean let me ask you something in a sport like that not all kids go to pro right does every college kid playing for NCAA team no do they go pro no so. So basically, but they all want to.
I mean, no, that's not true necessarily. Most D1 athletes wish they could go pro, but most D1 athletes realize at some point it's not going to happen.
So there's a division. There's people that they know are going to go pro.
There's three classes in my mind. Fact you're going to go pro, there's no doubt you're one of the best.

It's like a joke.

You're Fatim.

Yeah.

Second level.

You're good.

You could go pro.

Yeah.

You never know.

You never know.

Or you could get out and go, I just want to work and do a regular job.

I don't want to fucking do sports professionally because I'm not good enough to stay.

Third level of college athlete is like, look, I'm a white guy.

I'm good at basketball.

I'm 6'2".

There's no fucking way I'm going pro, but I'm having fun.

They're going to be on it if you're in if you're a college registered if you're a registered college yeah I'm a college register okay and can I just go to the stadium or the training area yeah and sign up and go I want to be on the team well there's no sign up but yeah you could go there and say I you have to try out? No, no, no. If they have walk-ons, not every school has walk-on tryouts.
Some schools do say, hey, we hold walk-on tryouts. You can try to join.
But the other players have been drafted. So those kids that are on all the teams had to either try out or get scouted? Most of them got scouted.
It's rare to get a walk-on. But you can't, if they've never seen you play basketball you can't be on the team you could if you've never played ball

and you show up and you're for team

you just show up you don't even play

and you go I want to put me on the team

yeah they go get the fuck out

so the people that are on the team

that are on the third tier

as you were saying

they should get paid because they did all the work

to get on the team

and if the school is making a bunch of fucking money

they should make money. They're making a lot of money.
They should make money. I agree.
I'm on your team. I'm on your side.
You're making these guys play. And also, a college education is worth what anymore? Are you going to go to college? Yeah.
She's looking right now. Where are we going to go? Where are we going to send you?

And on whose dollar?

You better get a scholarship.

We're not paying.

Are we paying for that?

We're not paying for that scholarship.

Where do you want to go?

What's your number one school?

I don't know yet.

Maybe just... Hey, hey, hey.

Community.

Yeah.

Community college?

Yeah.

Why community college? Roger said that it pays um less roger said it costs less yeah and who's roger um grandfather right community colleges right but i think you're smart you could probably get a scholarship somewhere you could probably maybe i think so don't you well she's getting her license too oh that's not just taking her driver. I think so, don't you? Well, she's getting her license, too.

Oh, that's... Roger's taking her driver's license.

She has her... That's worth something.

You have an interim permit, or what do you have?

Driver's permit.

She has a driver's permit. Are you letting her drive? No.

Why not? Have you driven my car

once? No. But when you get your permit,

you need hours to log in. Yeah, let Roger do it.

Why? Just in case?

What's the difference? You don't care about your car. What is the worry? That she's a bad driver? Answer? Me? No, I'm trying...
I would answer if I had the answer. I don't have the answer.
So why can't you drive your car on the way home today? Say, Tito, Bobby, can I drive home today? There's no way. No, I'm still practicing.
Practice on the way home. No, I'll tell you why.
The first time I asked her, let's go driving, she did a, no, no, no, no. You know what I mean? Like a freak out thing.
So there was no confidence behind it. So then I was like, oh, okay.
She doesn't have the skills. You lost confidence because of her lack of confidence.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's what it is.
Well, at some point you're going to have to just jump all in. You can't be scared because if you drive pensive and nervous, you know what's going to happen.
That's when you get in an accident. So you've got to drive aggressive.
Let me give you a couple simple rules that my mother taught me when I was young. My Aunt Kathy actually taught me this.
When the light is green, what do you do? You go. When the light is red, what do you do? You stop.
When the light is yellow, what do you do? You slow down. No, you speed up.
You go as fast as you possibly can to get through the light. You don't ever slow down into yellow.
Hit the gas. Even if you're in the middle of the intersection, right? Hit the gas.
And it turns red, you're the one with movement. Yeah, you're already going.
So you have the right of way. Yes, Rudy.
Yes. Yes.
You don't know shit. You don't know anything.
How far behind, when you stop at a light, how far behind the car in front of you should you be? 100 feet? As close as you possibly can. You get as close to the car in front of you.
And it's okay to even be touching if you don't ram into them. It's fine.
You can touch the cars. It's called a bumper.
Bump. Bumper.
Bump the car. You can bump them and go, beep, beep.
Go, go. We're ready to go.
And seatbelt. You wear one or not? You wear one.
It's a suggestion. It's a suggestion.
It's a reverse psychology thing. Yeah.
Because, get this, you're in a fiery ball of flame. I can't get my seatbelt off.
I can't get my seatbelt off. Right? It's burned to your skin.
Meanwhile, I don't wear one't wear one I'm on the sidewalk smoking are you okay get out get out get out of the car yeah I'm smoking get out get out of the car in fact you know what I did in my car you can look afterwards I've taken scissors I've cut the seatbelt right out of the car I don't even want it in there or you know what I've done because sometimes seatbelts make noises if you don't have it on so I have it on but I just now my back is against the seatbelt. I sit on it.
I sit on it. I do the same thing.
So it's not on me. You've got some of them, right? You've got some of it.
When you run out of gas, let's say you run out of gas in a neighborhood somewhere, what's the first move? You go to the side of the curb and then you call. No.
Put the car in park, get out, and walk away. Leave it.
Leave the car. It's not your problem anymore.
Call someone and go, hey, the car's out of gas on Briar Street. I got to go.
I got stuff going on. Someone needs to get and fix and help the car.
Not your problem. Also, in an emergency, right, you can kind of use another person's car.
You're allowed to. It's called commandeer another vehicle.
It's commandeer another vehicle. So you run out of gas you've got some, Auntie Kalila says It depends on what you have to do.
Like if you if you have to go to the gym, not necessarily but if you're late for like a development meeting at a studio. Yep.
Or dinner. Or dinner.
A dinner. A good dinner.
If you've got a good dinner. Finals.
Yeah. Finals, you can steal any car and then take it.
So the code is, you go go up to a car like at a stoplight you run out of gas and then you knock on the window tell them to roll it down you know if they have an old roller i don't know if they have or and they're all down go i'm commandeering this vehicle i have somewhere to be and if they say no you punch them as hard as you can open the door pull, get in the car and say, have a good day and keep driving. This is America, dude.
Do you give it back, the car? No. You drive until it runs out of gas and then you leave that one where it is as well.
Hopefully you'll run it out of gas near your home with a location that you're going. This is stuff that you've got to know.
I'm not going to drive with her. You You're not gonna let her drive? Roger does it Roger's her grandfather

Roger's a good guy How old is your grandfather? 72 Does he drive well? Yeah He's a good guy Because sometimes old people We really like him He's a good guy The way that they drive dude I ran an old person off the road When I first moved to LA Did you really? Yeah she hit a tree Did she die? I didn't stick around That's's illegal, bro. You have to stick around.

Eesh.

Can I tell you what happened to me?

It's like 14 years ago.

I was with my brother Steve.

It was a Friday night.

Yeah.

It was raining.

And I was on La Cienega in Sunset.

Right?

So I was going up La Cienega.

I know.

In a rented car.

By the way, I didn't run an old person off the road. I know you didn't.
That's why I went over. Sorry.
That's why I ran over the bit. But honestly? You have a joke? Did you have a joke? I did.
Do what I was doing, the OCD. Go ahead.
Tell me the joke now. See how weird it is? It's over.
Go ahead. No, no, no.
You have to say the joke now because I did a couple that like the time had passed. A lot of times in podcasts, you think of something, but then the timing, you know what I mean? It's gone.
It's gone. Yeah.
And then you just let it go. But not today.
We're not doing that today. Tell me the joke.
So I ran this old lady off the road. Right.
She hit a tree. She hit a tree head on.
Yeah.

And I didn't stay initially.

I kept driving.

You're supposed to stay.

Then I felt bad.

Yeah.

I turned around.

I came back to the scene.

Yeah.

I got her out of the car.

I noticed that she was still breathing.

And I got nervous.

Because now there's a witness.

So I took off my shirt.

She was bleeding.

And I pretended like I was going to cover up her wound.

And I just wrapped it around her head and I strangled her to death. You were on La Ciena Gun Sunset? You were on La Ciena Gun Sunset? Go ahead.
Sorry. I strangled her.
Ah, hold on. Sorry, I strangled her.
Wait, I strangled her. A little dark.
I strangled her. Can you switch it? Yeah.
Change it a little bit. Go ahead.
I ran an old lady off the road and she had a tree when I first moved to LA. Yeah, did you stop? Yeah, I did.
I stopped to make sure she was okay. And when I saw that she was totally fine and there was no big deal, I pulled out my Magnum 357 and I shot her a thousand times.
What a clever guy. Sunset in La Cienega.
Yeah. Well, now my bit see, now my bit You got to do it.
Now my bit doesn't work

after that one. You don't have a choice.
I know, but I have to do it.

But my bit, it has

nothing even to do with that. Oh, I've told you my story.
I actually

hit a guy with my car and this is real. Yeah.

I hit a man in the rain. Yeah.
I swear to God. Can I not

tell my story? No. It's not as good.
Nope.

Oh, fuck. I hit a man in the rain.
Go ahead. It was raining in La

Cienega in Sunset. You hit a man in the rain?

I did. Okay.
Alright, so let me tell you about it first. Okay.
So, I rented a man in the rain. Go ahead.
It was raining in La Ciena against sunset. You hit a man in the rain? I did.
Okay. All right.
So let me tell you first. Okay.
So I rented a car. It was like a Chrysler.
And it's one of those cars where if you look at the dashboard, you don't know where the gas light is where you're running out of gas. Sure.
All the symbols look kind of the same. I just never looked at it or whatever.
And we had just gotten the car. So I'm like, you don't assume that you have to refill it.
Not right away. But I ran out of gas.
Oh, shit. So it was raining 5 p.m.
Friday, La Cienega, right? For those that don't know, it's an incline like this and it's the most traffic, congested place on planet Earth. On Earth.
On Earth. Yep.
It's just cars everywhere. And if a car stalls there.
Oh, boy. People don't go home for five hours.
Yeah, at least. So it stalls.
Right? I put the emergency brake on. I'm with my brother.
Smart. I go, Steve! Because you know there's a Chevron right there? Yeah.
Go get gas.

My brother is panicking.

He runs in the rain, right?

People are honking, screaming at me.

I'm just sitting there sweating.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, right?

My brother comes, right, with the fucking thing, and we pour it into the, what do you call it?

Gas hole.

The gas hole?

Mm-hmm.

It's one of those nozzles, right, where you have to either push it in for it to come out. Yeah.
So my brother was doing it, but he was pushing it in in the wrong spot, and the thing wasn't actually in the hole. So it went all on the side of the car.
He had to go back there again with the same thing. They go, we don't have another thing.
He's trying to instruct my brother how to do it. Yeah.
And my brother comes back and now my brother and I are going to kill each other. Yeah.
And all of a sudden I see this guy, right? These two guys. One guy didn't do anything, but they were both wearing comedy store t-shirts.
Oh, employees. Who was it? It was Stephen Fury.
Okay. And Ahsan.
Oh, nice. You know Ahsan? Yeah, I know them both.
They're both very funny. Yeah, they're good dudes.
But I didn't know who they were at all. You never met them yet? No, I mean, you know how I am at the comedy store.
I see them around. You don't know who anybody is.
I didn't know them. Yeah.
So I go, they go, hey, you need help, Bobby? I go, yeah! And Stephen Fury does it. He puts it in, right?

And I looked at him.

I go, you're going to open for me.

And I gave him opening dates.

And that's how I knew him.

Really?

But then once he started opening for me, I realized how strong he was.

He's very funny.

He's so funny.

He's extremely funny.

And Asan, I gave Asan dates as well.

But they saved my fucking life.

There was no joke.

There was just a fucking story.

No, that's really nice.

What about the man in that?

I had a guy in the rain. Yeah, go ahead.
Go ahead. No, I had a guy in the rain.
That's a real story. I was going to a job.
I'm sorry. I was going to a dinner to get fired from a job.
That's a fact. I was going to get fired from my first job in L.A.
And I was mad I didn't want to go. And it was raining so bad on Crescent Heights and Beverly, where that big dip is, where swingers used to be.
You know how it's a dip down? Yeah. Oh, I have a swingers story.
I went through. I bought a dip.
I bought a dip. I went through so fast, and the rain hit my car so hard, it spread all over my window, and I made a left.
That guy was running through the rain across the street, and I smoked him. Shattered my windshield, got glass in my face.
I hit him so fucking hard. He came out of his shoes.
Came out of his shoes. Okay?

I got out.

What's going on?

Are you okay?

Not okay?

A woman's like,

I'm calling the cops.

Call the cops.

I was like,

it's okay.

I have insurance.

He didn't stick around.

He fled the scene.

I hit him and his buddy was like,

let's go.

We got to get the fuck out of here.

They had a backpack.

I thought something was wrong.

It's not funny.

I hit a guy.

And then for weeks,

I thought,

what if he died now? I think you made me a story. Swear to God all my life.
Well, you could go to prison. Why? We called the cops.
They left the scene. Okay.
And guess who didn't show up? Who? The cops. They never came.
I fucking sat there in the fucking rain waiting for the cops with this old, batty, crazy woman. Can I do something right now? I literally didn't hear any of this story.
I kind of dozed off. That's why I asked you that.
I'm sorry. That's okay.
I really didn't. That's fine.
I'm so fucked up that I do that. Yeah, you do it to me all the time.
Yeah. I just want to give Chris Catan a message.
Can we call Chris? No, no, no. Call him.
I don't want to. Call him.
So Chris Catattan... Call him.
I don't want to call him. Bobby.
I'm not calling him.

Bobby, call him.

Bobby, call Chris Kattan. I'm doing the same thing.
Call him.

I'm not. Call him.

No. Call him.

Here we go. Great.

Chris Kattan. We'll put up a picture right here, I'm sure.

Yes.

Come on.

Come on, Chris Kattan.

Hi, this is Chris. Please leave me a message.

How does that make you feel when someone doesn't answer the phone when you call them?

Now I'm mad.

Really?

Yeah, because I was feeling guilty because I don't text him back.

Oh, I know because I saw all the blues on his side.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was feeling guilty about it.

But now that I called and didn't pick up, I don't feel as guilty anymore.

Were you relaying because of something that happened in the text? or were you saying that because me and you, what happened yesterday?

You know, it's funny.

I didn't know that I was doing a podcast with a little boy.

I didn't know I was doing a podcast with somebody that needed tissue paper to wipe his tears. I didn't know I was doing a podcast where – you know what I'm going to get for your birthday? A little violin.
A tiny little violin. I didn't know I was doing a podcast with a biatch.
It's so funny. A biatch.
I'm going through my head right now of stuff that I want to do to you or throw at you or physically hurt you. And I was like, I can't.
I can't. I can't.
I called – I actually texted Bob ten times in a row, didn't text or call back. It's so fucking stupid.
And then I said, hey, well, first of all, I said, do you want to get lunch? I've done that twice in a row and you didn't respond either time. First of all, you just say, I'm good.
Thanks. I'm good.
I already ate. Okay, that's all I need to know.

And then I said, Bob, because I played Warzone,

the fans and me would love it if you went to the driving range with me.

I wanted to go to the driving range.

I thought it'd be fun.

I said, let's go to the driving range.

I know you have nothing going on.

I know you have nothing going on.

Because Kalilah sends me a fucking schedule.

I get a screen scout of your schedule.

I know what the fuck you're doing.

Nothing.

Goose egg.

And you didn't come to the driving range with me. And it's down the street from your house.

You can spit there from where you live.

I plan my life

with you based on proximity for you.

If you said,

hey dude,

can you come to my

house and have lunch? Because I haven't

been to a restaurant in six months, right? I have not

since the pandemic. Jules, have we been to a restaurant? You months right i have not since the pandemic jules have we been to a restaurant you went to mendocino farms no we get it delivered you didn't go you didn't go i've never eaten at a restaurant so when you go when you haven't eaten at one restaurant no so when you text me hey let's go have lunch it's like i'm not going to a restaurant to eat without i don't do we don't do that why because we're in lockdown, we're not in lockdown.
Yes, we... Oh, our family...
Your family is stupid. Everyone is eating outside.
There's outside stuff everywhere. We don't do it.
I haven't been to a Starbucks. You know how badly I want to go to a fucking Starbucks? When I leave here with her, I look at her and go, can I go to a Starbucks? She goes, no, I'll tell Kalilah.
You'll get trouble. Snitch.
You know what?

You guys can eat on a patio.

Yeah, I'm going to go to a Starbucks after this, and you're not going to tell Kalilah.

Ooh, I like this.

Okay.

So my point is that when you text me that, right, it's like I just assume that you already know the answer.

And the second thing— Of course I don't know the answer.

When I ask you to get lunch, what you should say then is, hey, not eating at restaurants, do you want to eat at your house or eat together somewhere else? We can get it delivered. But you don't say anything, and it's mean.
It's rude. And the second text was, do you want to play golf? It's like, no.
Driving range. Go to the driving range.
I don't know how to play it. That's the fun.
I fucking bought headphones to play Warzone. I don't know how to play it.
I'll do it. You're going to tape it, though? I don't want to go to waste.
You have to tape it. I'll film it.
We'll bring a camera. Andres, will you set up a camera so we can do it? Absolutely.
Then it's so much fun. And rude can come.
So wait a minute. Are you going to be allowed to go to a driving range because it's outside? Probably not.
It'll be a fight. That's another thing.
It's always a fight things. But why doesn't, why don't you guys.
She doesn't trust me. Right.
Because you're going to like lick somebody or something. No, it's not.
I don't lick things. You know what I mean? But she doesn't, she thinks that like.
But if you're wearing a mask, you're being safe and you're fine. She just doesn't trust me.
And she has a, she has a point, you know, I'm kind of like a, you know. You're like a little kid.
Yeah kid yeah like i just don't think of things like you've touched your face seven to ten times during this podcast i know i because my face itches don't itch it so my point is that she doesn't really trust me so you know it's like um what did you say oh did he text you back? Hey, can I try you back later? No.

Say, I need you now, Chris Kattan.

Cap City closed down.

Cap City Comedy Club in Austin.

Great.

Really?

They banned me.

I'm so happy that that's the case.

That's a bummer.

You know why?

Because the improv's opening there.

Oh, it is?

Yeah.

They're opening an improv in Austin.

Rogan talked about opening a club down there, and then I thought, what if he buys Cap City? Then would you do it? Oh, yeah. If it was his club? And would you just talk about the whole time that you couldn't play it anymore, you got banned from it? Well, it's so funny because the same thing happened at Tempe.
You got banned from Tempe? Yes. What did you do? So at Tempe, right, I showed the audience.
So Dan Murr, you know Dan Murr? So Dan Murr used to be the manager at the Tempe Improv, right? He's gone, right? He passed away. He died.
He passed away. What? That's my sad face.
I know. It was very sad.
He's not with us. Yeah.
So Dan Murr... First comedy club I snuck into, by the way.
There was a guy named Howard Polans that owned... And he was a Christian.
A good Christian. So it got to the point where they told...
They only would hire Christian comics. Right? And so...
But then I showed up because Mencia came in. Right? And I was opening for Mencia.
And he's Methodist. No, whatever he is.
Okay. And they were like, we don't want Bobby.
He's like, yeah, but he's my opener. And I knew that they were weird like that.
So I showed the audience the inside of my butthole. That's Christian.
Right. Because I wanted to show everyone, we're all pink on the inside or whatever, right? And then after that, I got on mat, all that stuff, and they still wouldn't put me up.
Just for showing your butthole? Yeah. So years, 12 years, and they said he'll never play here.
Wow. But then my buddy bought it.
Who bought it? Oh, the people who bought the improv. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So my buddy bought it, and I was like the second or third act that they hired.

Wow.

And so when I walked up on the improv stage, I go, I knew it was going to happen.

I win.

Yeah, you did.

I win.

Did you show that audience your butthole?

Yeah.

Yep.

And guess what?

Still pink.

Still pink, baby.

Still brown now.

And you can play more brown than ever.

More brown, yeah.

But you can play there whenever you want.

Yeah.

Thank you. Did you show that audience your butthole? Yeah.
Yep. And guess what? Still pink.
Still pink, baby. Little brown now.
More brown than ever. More brown, yeah.
But you can play there whenever you want. Yeah.
So if Rogan buys Cap City, you'll be happy to go down to Austin and do it. Or if he opens his own club.
Look, I think it's sad that things are closing down, so it did make me sad. But then I thought, what if Joe comes through and does his thing? There's another club out there that's kind of like that, too, for me.
A, right, will have me one time. And they go, oh, it's too much for me.
Or what about you? Don't you go one time and go, I don't want to go back? That's rare. I mean, there are some gigs like Virginia Beach where I went.
Never been. When I went, I went, oh, I like to play here every year.
And I remember like a year went by and I go. And I did okay numbers.
I could numbers. Improv? It's a funny bone.
And I go, can I go back? And Matt was like, probably never. Why? You showed your butthole? No, but I go crazy on stage.
You know me. Yeah, you lose it.
But what are you doing? Hard for two. Yeah.
They were like, enough. We're not going to have them.
Wow. And then the one that broke my heart the most is Columbus.
Why? The Funny Bone because I love that room. I played it like 10 times.
Right. And he's a buddy of mine, David Stroop, but they just stopped booking me.
Because you were just too much? Yeah. No, man.
By the way, let me say this. I respect the family rules of the house.
You guys are being safe. I understand it.
It's a bummer because I want to be able to just get lunch with people outside sometimes yeah i'm just i'm not one of those that i get it yeah yeah i get it it's fine i'm not i just i'm i'm gonna go to whitney's house i'm more mad to go to whitney's house tonight no like because she's doing that thing the stand-up stuff yeah i can't do stand-up in front of no i told her i'm not gonna stand up i'll come and hang out i think that's what i'm gonna do i don't know i just being around stand-up is so strange right now yeah i i can't imagine myself because i'm being invited like you know

people text me all the time hey do my show and i'll pay you yeah i'm doing my first show this

weekend where uh in glendale where it's in like a? It's in like a backyard. It's in like a backyard thing.
And who's doing it? Me, Segura, a few special guests, Ian Edwards. It's actually a good show.
Do you want to come? Yeah. Yeah.
But it's more to just try. It's been six months.
Yeah, I can't do it. And I need to practice because, you know, because

I'm going and doing dates in October.

Oh, you have to go up, yeah.

I refuse to go up until there's a regular audience.

Well, they are regular. What do you mean?

What's wrong with them? They're scattered, right?

They're six feet apart.

You and me apart. Because I look at

what Chappelle's doing in Miami and I go,

not Miami, Florida.

Dave Chappelle? Yeah, Chappelle does that outside show. It's in Ohio, right? Isn't he in Yellow Springs? Oh, he's in Ohio, wherever it is.
Yeah, where he lives, yeah. Miami.
Dave Chappelle presents! Chappelle Camp Camp! Miami! Yeah, I don't know, I don't know, dude. Wherever it is.
Yellow Springs, Ohio. It's at his fucking house, I think.
It is like a ranch or something.

Yeah, and I go, I just think,

that doesn't seem like stand-up to me.

You would go, if Chappelle sent you an invite,

you would go in a heartbeat to go to his little camp

or whatever the fuck that is.

I don't think I would.

Dave Chappelle calls you on the phone.

I don't think I would do stand-up.

What's up, Bobby?

Yeah, I know that's...

Get your ass.

I don't know if I want to do stand-up.

If Dave Chappelle called your phone and said, will you come to Yellow Springs and do a show and come hang out with me at the camp, you would say, I don't think, really? You would say, I don't think I want to go? I think I would panic and I'd probably write a set. And you'd go? I'd probably go, yeah.
If Chappelle, if the fucking goat told you to go? Sure, sure. Isn't he the greatest? Don't you think he's the greatest? I think he's our generation's our generations richard prar yeah i think he's the greatest comic i've ever that's ever lived yeah i think that in my fucking opinion every generation we have you know a type i think he's type i think he supersedes time i think that um our george carlin who's our george carlin do you think who's our george carlin uh who's who's kind of like like...
He was politically angled and prolific. It has to be represent the times as well.
So it's like in our era, it's because society changes and the culture changes. Maybe Burr? I think Bill Burr would be our George Carlin.
If Chappelle is our Richard Pryor, what else is another legend? Well, who's our – I mean Chris Rock is kind of Chris Rock. I don't think he's like anybody before him.
He's our Bill Cosby. Yep.
Yeah. Yep.
What about Seinfeld? He kind of falls in the middle. I'm going to say something controversial to you.
I don't understand it. You don't understand Seinfeld's humor? I can understand why people like it, but I've never looked at it.
It's fine. I never looked at it, and his wife pronounced my name wrong.
That's what it's about. That's more what it's about.
She called me Billy. And she didn't pronounce your name wrong.
She said your name wrong. Yes.
She goes, how are you having fun, Billy? It would be Boobie Lee. And I go, I know, and I go, she just called me Billy in my mind.
What did you call her? Nothing. I go, I'm having fun.
You know, she goes, you having fun here, Billy? And I go, I'm having fun. Where were you guys? It was a weird Like a bumper car ride?

You having fun, Billy? No, it was

this is the, I don't know, this has never

happened before or after.

It'll never happen again. And I don't know why it happened.

With the Seinfelds? No, what happened was

Apatow

calls me. And he's never called

me again.

I think something happened. I think I rubbed everyone the wrong

way or whatever. I'll tell you off air.
Okay. Do you really know? So Apatow called me.
He goes, hey, I have to go to this lunch brunch. And it's going to be you, me, and Wayne.
What's his name? Newton. Newton.
Wayne Newton. Wayne Fetterman.
Wayne Fetterman. Yeah.
And I go, where is it? It's at the Palm Restaurant, whatever. The old one on Santa Monica? So I go, what is it? And he's like, it's Jerry Seinfeld's wife has a charity, and it's a luncheon, and you want to go? And I go.
I don't feel good. I'm sick.
I'm going to go. So I wore my best Hawaiian shirt.

Right?

And I show up.

Yeah.

And it's me,

Judd,

Fetterman,

sitting at a table.

Sebastian's there too

because you know Sebastian's

in with Seinfeld.

They're very close.

They're very close.

He's the only guy

that did his show twice,

I think.

And it was like,

when Sebastian saw me there,

you could see that he was shocked.

He goes,

what are you doing here? What are you doing here? And I go, I don't know. Why I'm here.
How mean is that when somebody goes, what are you doing here? You're like, fuck. I know.
I don't belong. Oh, I have another story about a famous guy, and I've never called him out.
I'm going to call him out. Yeah, do it.
I want to start a war. But hold on.
Let's do this first. So get through this.

Sebastian says, what are you doing here?

You're like, I don't belong here.

You're at the thing.

So I go, yeah, I don't know.

And then I met Seinfeld to walk by.

Mrs. Seinfeld.

No, Jerry.

Oh.

With his wife.

And I think Judd goes, this is Bobby.

He didn't know I was a comic.

Bobby is a comic.

He's like, hi, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you. And then his wife goes, nice to meet you.
And they walk by. And then an hour into the luncheon, there was a bunch of speakers.
I don't even know what the thing was. How bored were you? I was so bored.
Yeah. And the shrimp was dry.
The shrimp was dry at the Palm? Yeah, and then I remember she comes back. She goes, you having fun, Billy?

That's fine.

She's never met you before.

She barely knows.

You don't even know her fucking name.

Yeah.

And what did you say?

Yes, I'm having fun.

Yeah.

Yeah, and you let that sit with you?

Yeah.

I don't know.

I should let it go.

That's insane.

You just met her for the first time.

It's not like, dude, I've met this girl 10 times.

Yeah. Because I have stories of comics like that.
Yeah. I've met you before.
Andrew, right? Yes, bitch. We've met a thousand fucking times.
Stop pretending like you don't know me. Yeah, yeah.
I used to go to all those because I was sober. What about that? And I couldn't get any girls.
Right. Right? And so this is so embarrassing.

So I thought because I'm on a show.

Yeah.

That if I went to a Hollywood place like Joseph's, that I may be able to get a girl.

And I couldn't get any.

You still couldn't get laid? No.

Did you ever go to like Rainbow Room?

And date the goth girls?

What's wrong with goth girls?

No, no.

I'm sure I just don't like pale skin.

I tried to go out with a goth girl and she didn't like me, I think. I don't know what it is.
Didn't you? You definitely dated pale skin women. I did a lot.
Yeah, like three of them that I've known. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you do like pale skin women. I do like pale skin women.
I don't know what you're talking about. But that vibe, I mean, did you do that thing, like the sunset shit? No, no, no.
I don't know why, but I kind of was going for like… Nightclub rats. Well, no, you kind of think to yourself, can I elevate my game? In my head, I thought the game was there.
It wasn't. Yeah, but what I went was I went to my own people.
What was your own people? Kalilah. Right, but that's years, years later.
Yeah, yeah. I feel comfort with someone that's more closer to my ethnicity, I guess.
Yeah. Somebody that eats the same kind of things I do and doesn't look at my body and judges me in a lens of race.
She doesn't judge you in any way physically. No.
No, I know. It's nice.
Like she's never looked at you it's a real it last night because i had you know i almost didn't come today because i had my stomach hurt so bad last i couldn't sleep i was achy and i was making groans tummy no no yeah my tummy and kalilah would and i was farting up because we had this garlic sauce one of the garlic sauce I was farting out something just abysmal, man.

Like it stunk up the whole room.

I know.

I know.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it was like a thick jungle, like thick napalm.

Napalm, garlic, and shit.

Like it blankets the room?

Yeah, it blankets the room.

Yeah.

Like the army could use it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so it was just blanking the room. And every 10 seconds And every 10 seconds It was like I was spreading my cheeks apart too Oh cause you didn't want to flap I didn't want to flap right Yeah So shh Right And Kalilah Would just kind of rub my head You okay So what can I do What can I do And some pale white chick Would have been like I'm out of here Right Ew you're gross Are you fart, yeah.
Go in the other room. And I just kind of like the fact that Kalilah is like, will go deep into the pigsty.
Will she smell it? She doesn't like it. Oh.
Yeah, she just is like, it is. She doesn't go, mm.
She doesn't do that. That would be hot.
Yeah. And she goes, mm.
Yeah, so you know. So you ended up where you belonged.
Yeah, but there was a time where I was like, maybe I could get like, you know um so you ended up where you belonged yeah but there was a time where i was like maybe i could get like you know did you ever get laid milano or whatever did you ever get laid at the nightclub you never took home one girl from all the years you spent in nightclubs really what about girls that were like recognize you from Mad TV? Still?

Like a girl that comes up to you that's like, you're so funny.

I want to drink with you.

And you drink and you party with them and you never got laid.

And what about like a kiss?

I was like Joey Diaz in the sense that like I kind of dated in-house.

Like your cousins?

Like family?

No, no, no, no.

Because Joey Diaz's girlfriend, right?

Or wife. Yeah, wife.

You know what I mean?

Was a waitress at the comedy store.

Correct.

Right?

Yeah.

And I knew her way back then.

So it's like you start, you know, covet what you see, like Buffalo Bill and Silence of the Lambs, right? You covet. Bad reference.
No, I love that reference. I know.
It's the truth. It's like you covet what's around, so then you start dating a comic or a waitress or whatever.
That's the way when Jim Carrey, his first wife, was a waitress at the comedy store. You covet what you see.
And so I just kind of stayed in-house rather than going outside. I think later in life, when I became more of a name,

it became much easier when I had a fan base.

But in the beginning of Mad TV, I didn't have that.

It took years and years to get a fan base.

Before we go, I want you to apologize to me for not texting me back.

Even to say, no, I don't want to to the word no is fine nope no i don't even need no thanks no on text not in person in person you say you do say something nice to me you apologize for your behavior say i'm sorry i should text back i don't know why I can't do it

Just close your eyes

I can't do it

You don't even have to look at me

Just close your eyes

But I don't feel sorry

Is that okay if I don't feel sorry?

It's fine

Alright so just know

What I'm saying

I don't mean at all

At all

Okay

Like I don't give a shit

Okay

Okay

I'm sorry for not texting you back

That's good enough

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo!

Woo-hoo!