Great Balls of Fire

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Speaker 2 Come see me and Christy Stefano on the East Coast as I do October 8th, 9th, 10th, and 11th. Go to AndrewSantino.com.
You can find out where I'm doing all that stuff. You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 Hi, dude.

Speaker 2 Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends. Papa got them dope shades on.

Speaker 2 Hi, Rude.

Speaker 2 Hi.

Speaker 2 Hi.

Speaker 2 How are you, dude? Hey, little baby, when you're going on, and you're shining down and

Speaker 2 shooting it down,

Speaker 2 nope. Hey, little baby, hey, little girl, is your daddy home?

Speaker 2 True?

Speaker 2 Hey, little baby, when you're shining on, and I don't know why, but you don't know, don't know.

Speaker 2 And your mind's on fire. Nope.
Oh,

Speaker 2 I'm on fire.

Speaker 2 Hey, little,

Speaker 2 hey little baby, when you're dumb, you're dumb and you don't know mine suck it all right long

Speaker 2 Yeah

Speaker 2 Oh

Speaker 2 I'm on fire

Speaker 2 You know

Speaker 2 I always sing that song It's raining ash!

Speaker 2 Hallelujah, it's raining ash!

Speaker 2 Smoke, fire! It's all on fire! It's all on fire. Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!

Speaker 2 Great balls of fire!

Speaker 2 What's going on? He used to date his, you know, huh? His cousin, 14.

Speaker 2 What? That guy that sang Great Balls of Fire.

Speaker 2 Henry Connick. Henry Connick Jr.

Speaker 2 Is that his name? Henry Lee. Where is Harry Connick? Harry Connick Jr.? Didn't they make a movie? You know who played him? Who? One of the Quaid brothers.
Randy.

Speaker 2 He's the one.

Speaker 2 Jason. Taylor Greg.
Taylor Grey.

Speaker 2 Taylor Quaid. Taylor Quaid played the guy in the movie.
I love it. Great balls of fire.
Hi, Rude. Hi.

Speaker 2 It's so smoky outside. I'm going to show you something.
This is incredible. This got sent to me this morning.

Speaker 2 We can't play the music, but people at home can look it up. Someone took the footage of what's going on in San Francisco and put it to the Blade Runner soundtrack.
Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 And we can't play the music because, you know, YouTube will get us. But look at how insane this looks.
This is all legit.

Speaker 2 This is what it looks like, what's going on down there.

Speaker 2 Look at how insane that is. This is not doctored.
There is no filter on this. Oh, my God.
This is real drone footage that's up on the

Speaker 2 interweb. What color is that, Bob?

Speaker 2 Red asana. Santino.
That's Andrew Santino.

Speaker 2 Andrew Santino color. That literally looks like me.
That's like as if I blanketed the city of San Francisco.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's a terrible color. Terrible.
It's a terrible color. Imagine if you have to live with it all over your body.
Yeah. San Francisco knows what I feel like for a couple of days.

Speaker 2 The ridicule that they're facing, this is what I feel every day of my life. Yeah.
But you know what? Actually, your face structure and stuff, like, God didn't fuck you entirely. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 The face is okay.

Speaker 2 He had a pretty good face. So he went, you know, I'm going to make...

Speaker 2 He probably turned to Moses and, you know, Saint somebody and said.

Speaker 3 Moses was around?

Speaker 2 Moses, Saint Somebody, Cleopatra, whoever it might be.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to make, he's Southern, so, you know, God's Southern. Oh, he is? Yeah, because, you know, look at the Christians.
Let me tell you something. I'm fixing to make me a little dude.
he...

Speaker 2 I'm going to make him freckle-faced, red-headed. Yeah, but I'm going to make him kind of good-looking.
He's going to be okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then everyone's like laughing, right? But let's see.

Speaker 2 He's going to die anyway. He's going to die.
People are going to kill him. When he's young, people are going to kill him.
But watch. And he threw you down there, and you fucking survived it all.

Speaker 2 And all the disciples, like Cleopatra and Saint Somebody, was like, I can't believe he survived it. They survived it, yeah.
And he was like, no, I'm not.

Speaker 2 And I'm not going to make another one of those again. That's the last one I'm going to do.
When he made you, he went, check this out.

Speaker 2 Check out this big-headed, little flat-faced dude I'm about to make right here. This buggy-eyed, massive-headed dude.
You're going to love this dude. This dude is short, stumpy stock.
Like an asshole.

Speaker 2 Short, stumpy stock. He's like an asshole, right? He's never going to get over five feet tall, even with lifts in his shoes.
And

Speaker 2 this little dude is going to be a ghen Rudy. What did he say when he made Rudy? Well, you know what I'm going to make? You know what I mean? I'm going to make a human pygmy.
A little pygmy?

Speaker 2 Like, yeah, a pixie pygmy. Little pixie pygmy.
Yeah, and this one right here is gonna,

Speaker 2 her face is gonna look like a tiny bean. Like a little bean, like a little bit of a bean.
I'm gonna make one ear bigger than the other ear. Could you have you have noticed that?

Speaker 2 Which one is bigger, rude? My love. Take off your headphones real fast so we can see.
Show the camera. I'm gonna make one ear big.

Speaker 2 Listen, man. Whoa, it's big.
Lee, listen to me, man. Hey, man, listen to me, man.
Sorry, man.

Speaker 2 Like, if she was a bird, she wouldn't be able to fly, or she'd fly in a circle. That's why I'm going to make one

Speaker 2 ear bigger than the other right i want to make really skinny skinny like gollamy arms tiny arms

Speaker 2 yeah little t-rays big feet though big sasquatch feet

Speaker 2 feet big feet you can water ski on them yeah you don't even need water skis you got skis on your feet right now well if she lived in the if she was an eskimo she wouldn't need snowshoes

Speaker 2 You know the snowshoes that they yeah, she wouldn't need snowshoes. She wouldn't need snowshoes.
And we're going to have her a funny accent, and she's going to love dumb things like anime. Anime.
But

Speaker 2 she's going to be a master of knives. Oh, yeah.
A master of knives. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Look at this. They found Rudy on the internet.
So many fans sent this to us, by the way. This is Rudy.
Rudy, you got found on the internet. I don't know if you've ever seen this clip.
Let's see.

Speaker 2 The music is the theme of Halloween.

Speaker 2 Look at this little girl. Tell me this isn't Rudy.

Speaker 2 Little mini Rudy. Rudy?

Speaker 2 Juliana, what were you doing there? there?

Speaker 2 Yeah, what was going on? Yeah.

Speaker 2 That really is.

Speaker 2 How creepy is that? Fucking creepy. The mom just gave this little girl.
This little girl's got to be like, I don't know,

Speaker 2 six, seven.

Speaker 2 Look at it. And she's just like, here's a knife.
Here's a mask. And made her dance around in the living room.
That looks exactly like Rudy, by the way. It's the same color brown, isn't it?

Speaker 2 But we don't know the fish. She could be 42.

Speaker 2 She is. Yeah, that's an LP.
If she's Asian, then that's an LP. That's a little person.

Speaker 2 That's a little person.

Speaker 2 You know what I said the other day? I just saw Brad Williams this morning. I just played golf with him, speaking to low people.
Whoa, whoa, wait, wait.

Speaker 2 I played golf with Brad this morning.

Speaker 2 You.

Speaker 2 What? Where do you get his clubs?

Speaker 2 What do you mean? I mean, I mean, is there. No,

Speaker 2 could I just ask? Right. Go ahead, yeah.
Well, but

Speaker 2 there's probably, like, because he goes to Baby Gap or whatever, right? No. For his clothes.
So he probably, there's probably, is there a baby golf club store? Yeah. No, I'm being real.

Speaker 2 Is there golf clubs for kids? That's what mini golf is. I know, but are there golf clubs? I'm being real.
I'm not going to make fun of them. Yeah, there are golf clubs for kids.
Yes, there are.

Speaker 2 And he's using the golf clubs for kids? I think he gets adult clubs fashioned for him. You can get them shortened.

Speaker 2 It's amazing. I thought, you know what I thought about the other day?

Speaker 2 And does he wear like when he does the

Speaker 2 golf cart? Oh, yeah. Is there like a little miniature like, you know what I mean? One that

Speaker 2 it's a sidecar. Matel makes.
Have you ever seen a motorcycle with a sidecar? Yeah, yeah. So there's a golf cart and there's a mini golf cart right next to it.
Oh, I see. And he gets into that one.

Speaker 2 So that's great. That's wonderful.
It just makes me laugh. He was good at golf.
He's a good rat. I've never seen a dwarf golf.

Speaker 2 Have you ever seen that? I've never seen that. I mean, I've only played with dwarfs.
I've never seen a dwarf with dwarf do a lot of things. Like what? Skydive? I have.
Oh, you have?

Speaker 2 I don't know if they... You would think that they would just fly away.
I don't think so.

Speaker 2 They'd go, ah, and then the widow would just take them to Argentina.

Speaker 2 No, I don't know if he was skydiving or they they were throwing him out of the plane, but I did see a dwarf get pushed out of a plane. Oh, I'm sure they were pushed out.

Speaker 2 I don't think he got a shoot. Yeah, I think it was a joke.
You know what I mean? No, Brad's a good golfer. No, there's no way.
There's no way. Yeah, he is.

Speaker 2 He's the hole, like, closer to him, like, in the middle of the... It's bigger.
It's twice as big. Oh, it's twice.
It's twice as big for him. Am I being mean? No.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I love him. No, we love him.
He's what a great little guy. He's awesome.
He's my favorite. Because I'm so small.
Yeah. I'm so small that, like, I'm not much bigger than Brad.

Speaker 2 I know, that's the thing. Like, you know, when I'm around Brad, I always whisper to him, I go, I just like hanging out with you because, you know, the whole world has always been like, I'm the dwarf.

Speaker 2 No, it really has, because when I walk into places, everyone's so much bigger than I am. Yeah.
Right. That I kind of have to look at.
I want to like rub your head whenever I see you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, polite. So then when I'm around Brad, I go, I just just like this is new for this is just a good experience for me.
Well, you know what I said? I said the other day.

Speaker 2 I was like, I want to play with Brad. And I was thinking about Brad because I hadn't seen him in a long time.
And

Speaker 2 I thought

Speaker 2 Brad must feel more vulnerable than we ever think sometimes. Like imagine walking down the street at any moment, some psycho, some crazy dude on the street on drug could just kick him.

Speaker 2 Someone could just run up and just

Speaker 2 and boot him. Right.
I mean think about that. Think about every day of your life some crazy person could when you walk past a crazy person on the street like

Speaker 2 you know that guy that like yells at the trash

Speaker 2 that guy could just turn and see him and go, hey and Brad's like, huh, just runs up to him and could kick him. Yeah.
Physically boot him. Yeah.
I think about that. Like, he could just get kicked.

Speaker 2 Someone could just run up and kick him. Don't you? How crazy is that? Yeah, but when you could kick a dwarf, something bad's going to happen.
It's seven years of bad luck.

Speaker 2 I'm sure it's seven years, something bad. It's like when you break a mirror.
It's like putting a hat on a bed or, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah. That's bad.
Yeah, yeah. What is it? Black cat? Don't walk under a ladder.
Don't walk under a ladder.

Speaker 2 Don't do cross-section. Don't kick a dwarf.
Don't kick a dwarf. Don't kick a dwarf.
Don't cross-eyes. If you want you to go cross-sey, you can't go back.
Right.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Hairy. Well, you know, my dad used to jerk off too much you get hairy hands hairy hands yeah yeah

Speaker 2 you know that one

Speaker 2 parents used to tell their kids if you masturbate you're gonna get hairy hands what's the other one if you just masturbate and i look at my hand nothing yeah still nothing asians are hairless for the most part i don't think it's in the inside of the hand because i have to shave i've shaved this ever oh yeah yeah that's funny now what what uh there's so many of those oh do you believe in that stuff rude do you believe in that in bad luck stuff do you believe in any of the superstition is that what it is um no i mean i have OCD things where I have to touch things three times or like in a movie theater, I have to look at a guy three times in back of me.

Speaker 2 Shut up. Oh, yeah.
When you sit down, you have to turn and look three times? No, that's why if I'm at a movie theater and we're watching a movie, you'll never see me turn around.

Speaker 2 Because if I turn around, like if I turn around and look at somebody, I'll go, this is what will happen. This is what you'll see.
Okay. I'll be watching the movie.
Oh, look at Tom Cruise.

Speaker 2 Just jumping over buildings. Does his own stunts.
What an amazing guy.

Speaker 2 Oh, look at him go. He's little, but he seems big.
Why do you have to keep looking over? Watch the movie. Stop looking at me.
I'm not looking at it. No, that's not.
I haven't done it yet.

Speaker 2 Well, don't look at me anymore. Stop looking at me.
You're the guy I'm sitting next to. Oh, so I'm going to go.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, you're watching the movie too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sorry.

Speaker 2 So, um, okay, go ahead. So, this is why I'm watching.
Oh, wow, look at him go.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's so. Maybe I should become a Scientologist.
That's what I think when I say Tom Cruise. Maybe.
Yeah, yeah. It looks good.
And I go, what's going on?

Speaker 2 what do you what what are you doing that's what i have to do well so what do you need to you look do you recognize him no it's just a human being you make

Speaker 2 i think that something bad's gonna happen if i don't turn around two more times he's gonna no it i know it's not it has nothing to do with him just in general in general i think like if i don't do it that i'm gonna leave the theater and then a dwarf's gonna kick me oh that's right something like that you know what i mean or that makes sense or like i'm gonna get in a car accident or something will happen

Speaker 2 i do that at i do it when i i'm at night. Do you touch the light? Do you have to touch like the light?

Speaker 2 Yeah, so this is what when Kalila like last night Kalila was sleeping next to me and my elbow hit her, right? Yeah. So then I have to do this.

Speaker 2 This elbow and then this elbow.

Speaker 2 And then it woke her up. She's like, what are you doing? Are you doing that thing again?

Speaker 4 I'm like, yeah, yeah, I can.

Speaker 2 Oh, dude, that's OCD. It's crazy, yeah.
That's not superstitious. That's like OCD.
That's like a pet assessive compulsive disorder. No, that's no,

Speaker 2 it's superstition. Nope.
Do you have superstition, Rude?

Speaker 5 When I point at a tree at night, I always

Speaker 5 do this.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What? When you point at a tree?

Speaker 5 Yeah, if ever I point at a tree, I have to like.

Speaker 2 Bite my finger? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. What kind of Filipino voodoo shit?

Speaker 2 That dude, I never thought of that. I've never

Speaker 2 heard that before in my life. A tree.

Speaker 2 That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard. Because you know what? Because you're thinking to yourself, how the fuck did you come up with that? Yeah, which

Speaker 2 the first time. Wait, how do you bite it? How do you bite your finger? Show me?

Speaker 2 That's it? I can imagine her going like this looking at a tree one day and going, I have to do something.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Do I tap my feet three times? You know what I mean? Do I raise my hands? I do this with my hands. You know what I mean? No, I'll do this.

Speaker 2 What does this mean? What is that? Rudy, what does that mean?

Speaker 5 Older people said that if you point at a tree,

Speaker 5 if you don't bite it, then your fingers are going to be cut off.

Speaker 2 Filipino focal point. That's Filipino focal.
So somebody taught her that. Yeah.
That's crazy. When you point at a tree, your finger is going to get cut off.

Speaker 5 Yeah, by some kind of monster.

Speaker 2 I mean, it's crazy. Have you been to the Philippines? There's trees everywhere.
So

Speaker 2 you just see Filipinos buying their fucking fingers all day just walking around. That's crazy.
Hi, ha ha.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 We got to cut these trees down.

Speaker 2 This is getting out of control. You know what I mean? That's the weirdest thing.

Speaker 2 It's insane. I used to, the only thing I had was in high school, this was crazy, and it went away because in my mind, I thought, oh, shit, this is going to be it forever.

Speaker 2 When I got out of the shower in high school, you know, when you, I had a, we had a knob that when you pop it out and then you can turn hot or cold? Do you know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 2 And when you push it in, the little drain thing goes down. So when I, boop, boop, when that went down, I would have to catch it before it went down and spin it on my finger.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's weird, too. Crazy.
That's crazy. It would go because the noise was like tink kong.
So I'd go king and then catch it and I'd spin it and then I'd have, in my mind, I'd have a good day.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's pretty crazy. Right? Isn't that weird? But you know what's weirder? Pointing at a tree and putting your finger in your mouth.
That's crazy. That's really strange.
Biting it.

Speaker 2 Mine was like a, mine was like just an

Speaker 2 habit of not making the noise because it was so loud when it clammed.

Speaker 2 That's like saying

Speaker 2 you have to do something when you see the sun. Yeah, you have to go, I got a rubber cool.

Speaker 2 You hear what I mean? Yell at the sun. Yeah, it's just something that's like just so like when when you see a cloud, right, you have to put two fingers, you know, on your eyebrows, right?

Speaker 2 And go, allahua, alleluia, or whatever. It's crazy.
Yeah, but I've seen that before in the Philippines. They do that.
They do that. But you know what my mom used to say?

Speaker 2 Because when I used to, I don't know if you guys did this, but when you have a Charlie horse.

Speaker 2 Or you have dead leg. You know, you have a Charlie or a Charlie horse.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You lick your finger,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 Three times and you put it on your nose.

Speaker 2 That doesn't help the Charlie horse. It does.
No way. I swear to God, it does.
Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It does. If you have a Charlie horse, go there.

Speaker 2 What about when you get a let, you know, when you get a muscle cramp? You know, when your leg tightens up? Yeah, yeah. The worst feeling in the world when you're like, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Speaker 2 And you try to go straight with it, and you're like, oh,

Speaker 2 and it hurts even more. Lick your nose.
Lick it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.
It works out. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think it's psychological. It's getting your brain away from the feeling.
Yeah, away from the feeling, maybe. Yeah, yeah.
That's so strange. Like whenever I would have a, um

Speaker 2 whenever I'd have like a like a sore tooth or something, and my mom, she would come in the room and I'd say, Oh, I have a sore tooth, and she's like, I'm going to go get something.

Speaker 2 And she would go, she would leave the room and never come back, and the soreness would go away.

Speaker 2 I thought she was going to go get something for me, and I was thinking about what she was going to get, and it never, she never would come back with something, and it would go away.

Speaker 2 I swear to God. Because it's in your mind.
I think she's going to go get something to help me. You know,

Speaker 2 it's funny. It's like,

Speaker 2 My parents didn't know about like traditional things that you tell kids or, you know, or folklore, American folklore anything like tooth fairy and stuff, that right. So,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 you hear about it from friends, right? Yeah, if you put as a kid, you know, if you put your tooth underneath your pillow, you get a dollar, you get a dollar, right?

Speaker 2 But if your parents have to know about that, right? So, I would just

Speaker 2 tooth because at the end of the day, it's that it's their parents that put the fucking dollar in there, right? It's not really a tooth fairy, yes, it is.

Speaker 2 What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 There's

Speaker 2 no, like Santa Claus, right?

Speaker 2 Your parents have to know about Santa Claus for them to. Well, they have to know about it to teach you about who he is.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, about because they're the ones that buy the presents and put the presents underneath the tree.

Speaker 2 I love who you are. I think you're...
His character is so funny. I think you're a little misinformed.
I don't know how they do it in South. Yeah, yeah.
So what you're telling me,

Speaker 2 Santa Clausia.

Speaker 2 Santa Claus

Speaker 2 St. Nick a fat white guy who probably has diabetes he does have diabetes yes and um I don't know how old these reindeer are 148,000 years old he says that he says that all the time

Speaker 2 yeah he goes to every single house billions of houses in one night yeah okay

Speaker 2 how could it not be possible Have you never seen him tracked on NORAD? Do you know what NORAD is? No. You don't know what NORAD is? They track where he goes.

Speaker 2 They track Santa Claus on NORAD with satellites. I don't know where he is right now.
Let's see. Official NORAD Santa Tracker.
Let's see what he's up to. Rudy, don't laugh.
Come back December 1st.

Speaker 2 All right, so the tracker's off right now. Anyway, the joke I was going to tell about my parents about the tooth, but you know,

Speaker 2 the joke is not going to work. It's not going to work.
Hold on. We can get back.
I'm just going to throw it out there just because I have OCD about it. Okay, what is it?

Speaker 2 I think the bit I was trying to go for is that

Speaker 2 I just, I don't know, something about maybe I had 15 feet teeth underneath my pillow over the years, something like that.

Speaker 2 It wasn't going to work.

Speaker 2 Let me give you one. No, it's okay.

Speaker 2 You just fucked my joke, but I didn't. Let's go back to NORAD, though.
No, no, stop. NORAD's not up right now.

Speaker 2 No, can I tell you, there's a friend of mine. Because I was going to go into another bit about.

Speaker 2 You can go into the bit. I was going to go about another bit, but then the bits aren't going to work now because your joke was funnier about the thing.
Yeah, sorry. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But not knowing what's going on.

Speaker 2 But I have to throw the jokes up because I have OCD. Did your dad not know about Tooth Fairy for what?

Speaker 2 But here's another shitty joke I was going to get at. Okay, give me one.

Speaker 2 And if they're not even true, these jokes I was going to throw out, but I have to say it now because of my O C D, right? It's your joke.

Speaker 2 This is the episode, right? So I'm just going to do it. Yeah.
Is that,

Speaker 2 you know, like the things that you would tell your kids, like, the thing is, is that if you watch the T V so like, what did they say? Your parents say

Speaker 2 to the T V, what happens? You go blind. You're right.
That's not what my dad kind of took it and made it his own Korean way

Speaker 2 he would go if you watch tv too close grandpa's gonna die right and then i'd be like he's dead already he goes you did it

Speaker 2 so that was a joke i was gonna see that's still good i know but imagine the joke now yeah without if i didn't with the pretext sorry yeah i shouldn't have i would have hit a home run there it was a it was a third bait it was a triple yeah in the park it was but you know but you're very funny thanks and we have to go with your gut instinct about that that was my instinct yeah yeah but let me give you a joke that my friend friend, I can't, I'm not going to take credit for this.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 my friend used to have a joke. My friend Kinner had a joke years ago that made me laugh harder than I've ever laughed in my life.
And he used to say,

Speaker 2 he's like, my dad's from India and they don't know American customs, just like you. Yeah, yeah.
And he used to say,

Speaker 2 the tooth fairy, my tooth fell out. And I said, dad, my tooth fell out.
And he goes, okay, throw it in the trash. And he said, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 I'm going to put it under the pillow and the tooth fairy is going to come and give me money. And he goes, what? What are you talking talking about?

Speaker 2 And he goes, if I put my tooth under the pillow in the middle of the night, a fairy comes in and leaves me a dollar. Everyone at school is talking about they're all losing their teeth.

Speaker 2 And he goes, interesting. And he goes to bed.
He says he wakes up the next day and he looks underneath his pillow and there's no money under there. His tooth is still there.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so are 10 of his dad's teeth.

Speaker 2 And his dad comes in and goes, come on, divvy up the cash. How much did we get?

Speaker 2 How good is that joke? joke? That's a funny joke. It's my buddy Kinner Shaw.
But is that real? That didn't actually happen. That's his joke.
It's a joke. It's a joke he used to tell.

Speaker 2 Was he a stand-up? Kinner Shaw, yeah. Yeah.
Dude, it was the funniest. It made me laugh.
That's so funny. Very funny joke.

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Speaker 2 Whenever you can get into the depths of like the cultural cultural differences,

Speaker 2 that's what I think when you're able to make fun of them as a stand-up. Oh, it's so fucking funny.
There's a few guys that do it so fucking well that show the gaps of stuff.

Speaker 2 Because I don't have that. Like for my parents, you know, they don't.
And you could do like a Boston thing or a Chicago thing with your dad. Yeah, it was just they're mean.
Our parents are just mean.

Speaker 2 American parents are just mean to their kids. Right.
And yours are mean because they want you to be good. Ours are mean because we're already bad kids.
You see what I mean?

Speaker 2 A foreigner's kid goes, you better be good because we worked hard to be here. And American parents are like, you're a piece of shit and it's our fault.

Speaker 2 It's interesting you say that because I have been thinking about

Speaker 2 how

Speaker 2 foreigners come here. And I know my parents were the same.

Speaker 2 What year do they come to America? In the late 60s.

Speaker 2 What a time, huh? Yeah, but

Speaker 2 they come here for us, right? Solely for us. They come for the next generation.
They go, they're going to get a good education.

Speaker 2 They're going to, you know, be cultured, a lot of culture. Yeah.
You know what I mean? They're going to go to great college.

Speaker 2 They're going to, you know, I'm going to give them everything that I did not have. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And the next thing you know, you know, their son is like doing crystal math, you know, behind a tree, jerking off into a hustler magazine, right? Yeah. In the middle of the forest.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 4 And that's what they made.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
and their kids don't take advantage of it but you're actually the american dream you bounced back

Speaker 2 think about that that's actually the american dream you bounced back so no you tell that to my dad in how many other he's dead in how many other countries

Speaker 2 how many other countries can someone do what you did get into drugs by the way in the philippines isn't isn't drugs like you don't you go to prison for life for drugs yeah so first of all what other countries could you get in as low as you could and then still bounce back and look at you now so many countries you'd be in prison or dead Well, you know, yeah, I mean, if my parents had me there in Korea, you'd be dead.

Speaker 2 Not just dead. I would, or it could be like, I can't, maybe drugs aren't because I think drugs were tied into some of my trauma.
Yeah. Right? So it's like, maybe I wouldn't have gotten into drunk.

Speaker 2 Maybe I'd be a sake drinker or whatever, or you know, be an alcoholic, alcoholic, or whatever.

Speaker 2 But imagine the job I would have. I would probably just be hauling rice

Speaker 2 in a factory. And I would like telling you know my friend Han a joke.
joke. Yeah.
And he's like, oh, that's funny.

Speaker 2 And my back is like hunched.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know. It was funny, huh?

Speaker 2 You're so curved that. So,

Speaker 2 he's like, yeah.

Speaker 2 If we had a stand-up comedy here, you could have done that. I know, but we don't.
So,

Speaker 2 how many more bags? 52,000 more.

Speaker 2 Whatever. I'd be just doing some fucking...
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, so you're living the literal American dream. You bounced from back from zero.
Maybe I'm, you know, maybe. I'm very lucky.
I'm very lucky, right, Charles? You are. You are very lucky.

Speaker 2 So is she. Oh, my God.
She's lucky we don't call the feds on.

Speaker 2 We can get you deported, pal. We can get you kicked out right away.
Because you're sulk. Oh, and she's so lucky.
Like, she's studying, right? And she'll come out and

Speaker 2 her shoulders are down, and she'll just do a little pout like, oh, you're hot.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Everything is so hot, depressed. You know what I mean? It's like, dude, we give you fucking everything.
Yeah, you have everything. What are you really depressed about, though, Rudy?

Speaker 2 Depression can come from other things, Bob. We know that.

Speaker 5 I'm not depressed. I'm just tired from doing all my homework.

Speaker 3 You know, she started school.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but what do you mean you're tired from doing your homework? Yeah. Oh, shut up.
Oh, my God. Rudy.

Speaker 2 Shut up. Shut up.
You shut up.

Speaker 3 Ungrateful.

Speaker 2 You ungrateful little brat. Yeah.
Are you really tired from doing your homework, though? It's bumming you out. Yeah, I'm just tired.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 She gets straight A's. You know that, right? Yeah, because that's why she's tired.
She's actually doing it. Yeah, you and I.

Speaker 2 We don't know it. I was never tired.
I got season D's. Yeah.
Did you get really good season D's? Yeah. Yeah, me too.
Yeah, I know. Terrible.
That's why we are where we are.

Speaker 2 I know, but when you got season D's, what did your parents say?

Speaker 2 To be expected.

Speaker 2 No, but they didn't, they didn't yell at you. No, so I was a C average, right? And I'd get a B once in a while.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then I'd get an A. I got an A like only once or twice in high school, and it was in creative writing because that's what I knew I liked.
Pretty good. And

Speaker 2 the other one was in in like

Speaker 2 oh,

Speaker 2 like econ or something, something like simple business math. You know what I mean? Like intro to like econ or whatever.
Right. Because it was easy.

Speaker 2 It was just like, oh, yeah, I know how to fucking balance a checkbook. But I couldn't like.
You knew who also got those good grades? Who? Trump. That's exactly right.
That's exactly right.

Speaker 2 That's what he'd accepted. That's exactly right.
That's what he accepted. That's exactly right.

Speaker 2 And then in high school, though, my parents were like, you're just going to have to figure out your own path. I never was going to go to a good college.
I was never that good good of a student.

Speaker 2 You know why? School was boring. So boring.

Speaker 2 I was miserable.

Speaker 2 As soon as I got out, I felt good. I was like, oh, I can try everything.
I can do whatever I want. I can learn stuff if I need to learn shit.
I learn more now on my own than I ever did in school.

Speaker 2 You know how I would have got straight A's? If they paid me. If money was an incentive? No, here's the thing.
Like, even like when I used to be in the workforce in my 20s. Like in restaurants?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you wake up at seven o'clock you have to be in the morning. Yeah.
At 6.30, you get up, right?

Speaker 2 And you're just like, or late, right? But you're going because you need to make money. Yeah, it's there.
That's why I'm up.

Speaker 2 If you had to get up and bust tables for free, you would never show up. Why? Why am I going? You would never show up.
Yeah. So my point is, is that if you paid me, not a lot.
A couple bucks.

Speaker 2 Five bucks an hour. Fine.
Five buck a class. That's that's great.
I'd probably take 20 classes a day. I'd take as many as I could.
Yeah. I would never leave.
For every A, you get like $2,500.

Speaker 2 Holy shit, I'd be straight A's. Bro, straight A's.

Speaker 2 I'd be one of those men. There's no incentive.
Yeah, what is it?

Speaker 2 Basically, you have to work hard for free.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it's like, for me, it's like, what am I doing here? This is the worst.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? I'm absorbing information. Why am I...
What is this?

Speaker 2 And most of the information, I hate to break it to you, kid, you're never going to use. Most.
Some of it's very useful.

Speaker 2 Like what? Like what? I think you should learn. I think you need to know basic math, okay?

Speaker 2 But only multiplication dividing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you need to learn percentages is probably...

Speaker 2 I don't know any.

Speaker 2 I never used it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you do. How? Tip.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah, but I'm not.
I just said basic math. Yeah, but tip, all right, at a restaurant.
Basic numbers.

Speaker 2 If my bill was $33,000, it would be $33,243. What are you eating? Right, then I would have to to learn that.
What were you eating for $33,000? That's an insane bill. I know, but

Speaker 2 I'm not afraid. I know.
But because when you generally go to a restaurant, it's like $50. You can just calculate in your head.
It's pretty easy to percentile. Can I try something? Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Your bill is $128.

Speaker 2 What do you tip?

Speaker 2 Just offhand? Well, yeah, we're offhand. I don't have a TI-83 nearby.
So I'll just tell you what I would tip.

Speaker 3 That's what I'm asking you. How much?

Speaker 2 $128. $128.
Just round it to $130.

Speaker 2 Okay. I would be

Speaker 2 lose $40.

Speaker 2 That's an extremely nice tip. Yeah.
Do you know what 20% of that would be, really?

Speaker 2 But that's what I would lose. So if you round up to $130, $13 times 2 is $26? Because I know $100 is

Speaker 2 15% of $100 is $15.

Speaker 2 Okay. Just start with the original number.
No, no, no, no. Let me just do it the way I would, I think, I thought.
Don't do that. No, let me tell you something.

Speaker 2 That's why the teachers never got through to me because of that. Okay, let me revert back.
When teachers do that, you know what I mean? It's fucking endorsement. Well, let me try it again.

Speaker 2 Here you go. I'm a teacher, right? No, no, I don't want to do this anymore.
Okay, so Bob. I'm sweating.
So, Bob. I'm sweating.
So, Bob? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Actually, how about this? Don't challenge me. You stay on that because you're over tipping, and that's a good thing.
Yeah. That's a good thing.
Yeah. 20% would be around 26 bucks.

Speaker 2 You're giving, you know. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're fucking giving almost double. You're giving like 40% tip.
So if on $3,

Speaker 4 so $15

Speaker 2 $8.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 how much is the bill? It was $128, but I said just round it up.

Speaker 2 I would pay, to be 15% is $20 closer to that, 15%?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What is it? But you want to tip 20%, right? Yeah, but what's 15%? $20?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, that's...
So I would probably leave $40,

Speaker 2 double it. Just go back to where we were before? Okay.

Speaker 2 Well, then I like that.

Speaker 2 I think that's nice. At least you're over tipping.
You know? There's nothing worse. They can't pay you in school.
That was the pit. If they.

Speaker 2 They should pay. They should pay.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But you know what's so funny, though? Sometimes,

Speaker 2 like, I don't want to discuss this with you because I don't know you don't know anything about it, but they're trying to talk. There's a pay-to-play in college sports.
That's a big deal.

Speaker 2 It's a big argument whether people should. Do you think college athletes should be paid? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because does the school make money? That's right. And they make money because LeBron James whatever.
He never went to college.

Speaker 2 Let's make up a sport guy. Well, there's a running back.
Let's just make up a running back. Almost everyone else.
So just name another guy.

Speaker 2 His name is Fatim Aloala. Fatim Muhammad? No, Fatima Aloala.
Oh, Falim Aloala. Yeah, and he's from Nigeria.
He's a great running back. Yeah, he's amazing.
Right. He goes to the New York Times.

Speaker 2 And suppose he's like, he breaks all the records.

Speaker 2 He runs it into the NZ.

Speaker 2 He runs it in the end zone

Speaker 2 20 times a game. That's impossible, but yeah.
Well, I don't know how the sport works. Just say like four times a game isn't.

Speaker 2 That seems ridiculous to me. 12 times a day, game.
12 times a game.

Speaker 2 He goes from the five yards into the NZs

Speaker 2 eight times a time.

Speaker 2 Every time a time? Eight times a time. He's so good, right? Wow.
Okay. And he can weave and move around.
And so it's a whole town of the, you know, I mean, Colombo.

Speaker 2 Let's say there's a town called Colombo, right?

Speaker 2 And call it, just call it a college.

Speaker 2 3A college team. And Colombo's in there.
Yeah, Colombo's team. He's like, you're a good runner.

Speaker 2 You're a good runner, kid. And for Tima Law Along, right, right, he goes from the five to the NZs, right? Yeah.
Eight, nine times a game. The whole town of Colombo realizes it.
They love it.

Speaker 2 They go, we don't usually sport, you know what I mean? The Red Jams.

Speaker 2 That's the team's name. They're called the Red Jams? Yeah, yeah.
Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The Colombo Red Jams. Yeah, the Colombo Red Jams.
And they don't, you know,

Speaker 2 we're only, you know, 9th Division. We're a 3A team, but we're 9th Division.
Oh, so they're 3A? Yeah, yeah, 3-18, but we're 9th Division, right?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 during this regular season,

Speaker 2 they never win. They never win.
They never win, right? Even though they've got Fatima. No,

Speaker 2 they never won before Fatim. When Fatima beats.

Speaker 2 So the Colombo, the people in Colombo, they go, why do we go?

Speaker 2 It's embarrassing. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 The Skylarks beat us every time. Well, they're really good.
Yeah, yeah. Because they have that kid from New Guinea.
Yeah, New Guinea. And he's

Speaker 2 always crushed us.

Speaker 2 He probably runs in the NZ maybe 13 times a game. Yeah, and the town of Middletown where Skylife, that Skylarks are.
It's in Middleton. Middleton, Middleton, right?

Speaker 2 And that kid, you know, they bury us every time. They're the best.
For 20 years, that kid's been burying us. It's unbelievable.
Yeah, he can't get out of high school. It's college.

Speaker 2 This is college sports. He can't get out of college.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So, but this a fatim, right? He comes, right, straight from Nigeria. Right from the the plane to the football field? Yeah, right to the field.

Speaker 2 They go right to practice, and they realize right away, right? He's got like real strong legs.

Speaker 2 They realize it right away. They even analyze it.
The sports doctor, you know how they all have a sports doctor? Yeah, Columbia. They bring them in, right?

Speaker 2 And they analyze Fatim's legs, right? And they see extra muscles around the calves. Uh-oh.
It's like, you know, the regular muscles, and there's another one that protrudes out, right?

Speaker 2 And they poke at it.

Speaker 2 You know how doctors do? They poke at it right yeah and they hear ding ding ding ding ding ding it's metal no it's not but the muscle makes a metal sound

Speaker 2 right that good it's that tight that tight

Speaker 2 they take three steps back the doctors oh they look at it we got it

Speaker 2 we got the guy we got the guy the scout did hey randy yes some nerd with glasses he's in a wheelchair yeah comes in he comes and scrolls it right yeah

Speaker 2 great job scouting him in Nigeria oh thank you

Speaker 2 yeah yeah yeah yeah and then so they then they push Randy out

Speaker 2 right he's gone and they'll get here's the ball oh you give they give they give

Speaker 2 Fatim the ball and let's what give the ball because he's not the quarterback right no he's a running Dylan Skybark right here

Speaker 2 I'm Dylan Skybark Born and raised in

Speaker 2 Middleton Skylark

Speaker 2 hand it off to fucking you know

Speaker 2 and so he just, boom, like the roadwork.

Speaker 2 Right. The whole town, the whole town

Speaker 2 is coming. Oh, right.
Before it was a few people. How many people live in Colombo? I think it's like 22,000.
No. What? 14 million.
14 million people are in Colombo. Yeah.
They all come.

Speaker 2 They have to make the stadium so much bigger. They got to build a new stadium.
Yeah, yeah. Like, they make it bigger than the biggest stadium ever.
Really? Yeah. Wow.

Speaker 2 14 million people from Colombo are showing up to watch it. 14 million people are there, right? Okay.
And, you know, they can charge so much. They can charge $300 a head.
Per ticket.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 And now, Fatim, he's

Speaker 2 every fucking year. Boom, boom.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Touchdown. Boom, boom.
That's all he hears.

Speaker 2 That's all you hear. Touchdown.

Speaker 2 You could be

Speaker 2 in fucking Chicago. And you could hear touchdown that loud.
You could hear touchdown that loud. You're like, you know, you're working at a fucking subway.
Yeah. Right?

Speaker 2 Not the sandwich shop, in the subway.

Speaker 3 Oh, underground.

Speaker 2 Underground. Okay.
Right? And you just sweat. Touch that.
Bum, pew, touch.

Speaker 2 Right? And for the team must have scored another touchdown.

Speaker 2 Colombo, you know, I wish we didn't live, you know,

Speaker 2 so close. But how close is Colombo to Chicago? Two different states over.
Two states away. I can hear a touchdown that often south.
Geez, Fajita. No, no, no.
I can't think of the states right now.

Speaker 2 But South. Okay.
Yeah. So then years go by.
And then one day, Fatim,

Speaker 2 he goes halfway.

Speaker 2 He doesn't go full way.

Speaker 2 He doesn't do that.

Speaker 2 He stops, right?

Speaker 2 And he puts the football on the ground.

Speaker 2 He sheds one tear like the American Indians do when you litter. Oh, boy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he walks off the field. Fatim.
And why?

Speaker 2 Because the school is making billions of dollars.

Speaker 2 And Fatim still lives with his grandmother, Doya.

Speaker 2 He lives at Doya's house.

Speaker 2 He has no money. And he knows that the whole fucking town of Colombo, you know, he's making so much money, he gets nothing.
They're making so much money. That's why you have to pay college athletes.

Speaker 2 Because of a team. Exactly.

Speaker 2 What do you think? I think we should send this to the NCAA and see what they think.

Speaker 2 Write it up. Because I really, you know what?

Speaker 2 I never had a cause. I never had a cause.
I had never, you know. But we're down with the city.
When I see when I see, I get angry about things. Yeah.

Speaker 2 When I see Hispanic kids being at the border and they're being put in cages, It breaks my heart. They're putting who in cages?

Speaker 2 Well, you know how people sneak over and then they take the Hispanic kids, they put them in the cages. Well, yeah, because they got so much energy.
What are you going to do to let them wine?

Speaker 2 Oh, that's true. Yeah, you got to put them in something to keep them.
Maybe put them in a hotel room, though. Not out of four seasons, but like, you know, a Motel 6.

Speaker 2 Like a courtyard, Marriott Courtyard. What did they put you in, Andres, when you guys came over?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you have never been big on causes. Yeah, I never, yeah, but I think I could get behind that one because I think it's a travesty.
Pay-to-play is great. Particularly, in fact, when they make it.

Speaker 2 But what is the argument against it?

Speaker 2 Well, people that do argue against it, which I am not, they say

Speaker 2 it's usually this guy. Ready? It's this guy.
Yeah, I think we should start paying college kids.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you something, stupid. Well, please don't call me kids.
Let me tell you something.

Speaker 2 They go to school for free. They get a free education, okay? Which is life.
It's life growth. And then, when they're done, they can go into the pros and get paid up there.
But

Speaker 2 it doesn't work out. You get a free schooling, okay?

Speaker 2 And the money that you bring in goes to the team and the school itself to support this wonderful university. And we have history.
So, no, they don't deserve a dime.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but so Fatim's going to leave if you don't pay him. Well, he can go on and go on then.

Speaker 2 But we want

Speaker 2 Fatim.

Speaker 2 They think that because they get to go a free education, that's the benefit, that they get free food, free meals, free lodging, a free education, a free start. Well, you don't pay everyone.

Speaker 2 Oh, so like... Yeah,

Speaker 2 you don't pay everyone. Only the good guys get paid.
Yeah, the ones that are like, you know, the stars. Yeah, but what do you say to the other guys then? Get better.
Get better. It gives an incentive.

Speaker 2 So give them incentive to get paid. Just like you get a picture of the page.
Like the Fatim situation. Let's say there's a guy named Todd.
Oh, fuck. Dude, I don't

Speaker 2 stand. No, not Todd Phillips.
That's a director. That's a director, yeah.
No. Todd Todd.

Speaker 2 We don't know his last name. His name is Todd Todd.

Speaker 2 Todd Rosende. Todd Rosende.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 And Todd looks at Fatim and he goes, hey, man, I can only do two a day, a game. He only gets two NZs a game.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this guy, Fatima, is getting 16.
Yeah. Yeah.
Better than you.

Speaker 2 If I was Todd, I would go to Fatim one day and go, hey, man, in Nigeria, how do you get that extra muscle in your calf?

Speaker 2 No, honestly. Yeah.
He's like,

Speaker 2 I don't know how to do a Nigerian accent.

Speaker 2 When you run from, when you run from tigers all the time.

Speaker 2 That's the exact same accent you do for like everything.

Speaker 2 But when you run from tigers all the time.

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Speaker 2 Literally, I just found out about that just now.

Speaker 2 I'm shocked that they don't get paid anything. Yeah, they don't.
That's a big debate. It's insane.
It's a big debate. Because a lot of times, I mean, let me ask you something.
In a sport like that,

Speaker 2 not all kids go to pro, right? Does every college kid playing for an NCAA team

Speaker 2 do they go to pro? No. So basically,

Speaker 2 but they all want to. Of course.
I mean, no, that's not true necessarily. Most D1 athletes wish they could go pro, but most D1 athletes realize at some point it's not going to happen, right?

Speaker 2 So like there's a division. There's people that they know are going to go pro.

Speaker 2 There's three classes in my mind.

Speaker 2 Fact, you're going to go pro. There's no doubt you're one of the best.
It's like a joke. You're fatim.
Yeah. Second level, you're good.
You could go pro. Yeah.
You never know.

Speaker 2 Or you could get out and go, I just want to work and do a regular job. I don't want to fucking do sports professionally because I'm not good enough to stay.

Speaker 2 Third Third level of college athlete is like, look, I'm a white guy. I'm good at basketball.
I'm 6'2 ⁇ . There's no fucking way I'm going pro, but I'm having fun.
There's that guy too.

Speaker 2 So that guy should get paid. The guy who's just having a good time? I mean, it's like, it's, because you, can anyone can, well, let me ask you this.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 If I went to school, like college, what's a good basketball college? I mean, University of North Carolina. Okay, I go to University of North Carolina.
Right. I get in.
Duke.

Speaker 2 Can I just show up and go, I want to be on it.

Speaker 2 If you're in, in college,

Speaker 2 if you're a registered college registrar. Yeah, I'm a college registrar.
Okay. And can I just go to the stadium or the training area

Speaker 2 and sign up and go, I want to be on the team. Well, there's no sign-up.
But yeah, you could go there and say, I'd like to try out if you. Oh, you have to try out.
No, no.

Speaker 2 So if they have walk-ons, not every school has walk-on tryouts. Some schools do say, hey, we hold walk-on tryouts.
You can try to join. But the other players have been drafted.

Speaker 2 So those kids that are on all the teams had to either try out or get scouted. Most of them got scouted.
It's rare to get away.

Speaker 2 If they've never seen you play basketball, you can't be on the team.

Speaker 2 You could if you're fucking, if you've never played ball and you show up and you're for team. No, you don't.
You just show up, you don't even play, and you go, I want to put me on the team.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they go, get the fuck out of here. Okay, so there we go.

Speaker 2 So the people that are on the team, right, that are on the third tier, as you were saying. Like the best of the best.
The best of the best.

Speaker 2 They should get paid because they did all the work to get on the team. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And if the school is making a bunch of fucking money,

Speaker 2 they should make money. They're making a lot of money.
They should make money. I agree.

Speaker 2 I'm on your team. I'm on your side.
You're making these guys play. And also, a college education is worth what anymore.
Are you going to go to college? Yeah. She's looking right now.

Speaker 2 Where are we going to go? Where are we going to send you? And on whose dollar? You better get a scholarship. We're not paying.
Are we paying for that? We're not paying for that scholarship.

Speaker 2 Where do you want to go? What's your number one school?

Speaker 2 I don't know yet. Maybe just

Speaker 5 community.

Speaker 5 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Community college? Yeah. Why community college?

Speaker 5 Roger said that it pays less.

Speaker 2 Roger said it costs less. Yeah.
And who's Roger?

Speaker 5 Grandfather.

Speaker 2 Right. Community colleges.
Right, but I think you're smart. You could probably get a scholarship somewhere.
You could probably.

Speaker 2 Maybe. I think so, don't you? Well, she is getting her license, too.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's. Roger's taking her driver license.
She has her.

Speaker 2 Do you have interim permit or what do you have?

Speaker 5 Driver's permit.

Speaker 2 She has a driver's permit. Are you letting her drive? No.
Why not? Have you driven my car once? No. But when you get your permit, you need hours to log in.
Yeah, let Roger do it. Why, just in case?

Speaker 2 What's the difference?

Speaker 2 You don't care about your car. What is the worry? That she's a bad driver?

Speaker 2 Answer? Me?

Speaker 2 No, I'm trying.

Speaker 2 I would answer you if I had the answer. I don't have the answer.
So why can't you drive your car on the way home today?

Speaker 2 Say, Tito, Bobby, can I drive home today? No, no way. There's no no way no i'm still practicing

Speaker 2 because the first time practice on the way home no i'll tell you why the first time yeah i asked her let's go driving she did a no no no no you know i mean like a freak out thing so she there was no confidence behind it so then i was like oh okay

Speaker 2 so you have skills you you lost confidence because of her lack of confidence yeah yeah yeah I think that's what it is.

Speaker 2 Well, at some point, you're going to have to just jump all in.

Speaker 2 You can't be scared because if you drive pensive and nervous, you know what's going to happen. That's when you get in an accident.
So you got to drive aggressive.

Speaker 2 Let me give you a couple simple rules that my mother taught me when I was young. My aunt Kathy actually taught me this.

Speaker 2 When the light is green, what do you do?

Speaker 4 You go.

Speaker 2 When the light is red, what do you do? You stop. When the light is yellow, what do you do? You slow down.
No, you speed up. You go as fast as you possibly can to get through the light.

Speaker 2 You don't ever slow down into yellow. Hit the gas.
Even if you're in the middle of the intersection, right? Hit the gas. And it turns red,

Speaker 2 you're the one with movement. Yeah, you're already going so you have the right of way yes rudy yes yes you don't know shit you don't know anything

Speaker 2 how how far behind when you stop at a when you stop at a light how far behind the the car in front of you should you be

Speaker 2 um

Speaker 2 a hundred feet as close as you possibly can you get as close to the car in front of you and it's okay to even to be touching

Speaker 2 it it's fine what you can touch the cars it's called a bumper yeah bump bumper yeah you can bump bump bumps you can bump them and go peep peep go go we're ready to go seatbelt you wear one or or not?

Speaker 2 You wear one. It's a suggestion.
And also,

Speaker 2 it's a reverse psychology thing. Yeah.
Because get this. You're in a fiery ball of flame.

Speaker 2 I can't get my seatbelt out. Right? It's burned to your skin.
Meanwhile, I don't wear one. I'm on the sidewalk.
Smoking. Okay.

Speaker 2 Get out. Get out.
Get out of the car. Smoking.
Get out. Get out of the car.

Speaker 2 In fact, you know what I did in my car? You can look afterwards. I've taken scissors.
I've cut the seatbelt right out of the car. I don't even want it in there.
Or you know what I've done?

Speaker 2 Because sometimes seatbelts make noises if you don't have it on. When they do.
So I have it on, but I just, now my back is against the seat. I sit on it.
I sit on it. I do the same thing.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So it's not on me.

Speaker 2 You've got some of them, right? Some of it, yeah. When you run out of gas, let's say you run out of gas

Speaker 2 in a neighborhood somewhere. What's the first move?

Speaker 5 You go to the side of the curb and then you call. No.

Speaker 2 Put the car in park, get out, and walk away. You don't? Leave it.
Leave the car. It's not your problem anymore.
Call someone, go, hey, the car is out of gas on Briar Street. I got to go.

Speaker 2 I got stuff going on. Someone needs to get and fix and help the car.
Not your problem. Also, in an emergency, right, you can kind of use another person's car.

Speaker 2 You're allowed to, you're allowed to, it's called commandeer another vehicle. You're commandeer another vehicle.
So you run out of gas, you've got some, Auntie Colada says.

Speaker 2 It depends on what you have to do. Like if you, if you have to go to the gym, not necessarily, but if you're late for like a development meeting at a studio,

Speaker 2 or you're a fine, or dinner,

Speaker 2 a good dinner. If you've got a good dinner, finals.
Yeah. Finals, you can steal any car and then take it.

Speaker 2 So the code is you go up to a car, like at a stoplight, you run out of gas, and then you knock on the window, tell them to roll it down.

Speaker 2 You know, if they have an old roller, I don't know if they have, or

Speaker 2 and they roll it down and go, I'm commandeering this vehicle. I have somewhere to be.
And if they say no, you punch them as hard as you can, open the door, pull them out.

Speaker 2 get in the car and say, have a good day. And keep driving.

Speaker 2 This is America, dude. Do you give it back the car? No.

Speaker 2 You drive until it runs out of gas and then you leave that one where it is as well. Hopefully you'll run it out of gas near your home or the location that you're going.

Speaker 2 This is stuff that you've got to know. I'm not going to drive with her.
You're not going to let her drive with her. But Roger does it.
Roger's her grandfather. Roger's a good guy.

Speaker 2 How old is your grandfather?

Speaker 5 72.

Speaker 2 Does he drive well? Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's a good guy. Because sometimes old people drive

Speaker 2 them. He's a good one.
He's the way that they drive, dude. I ran an old person off the road when I first moved to LA.

Speaker 3 Did you really? Yeah, she hit a tree.

Speaker 2 Did she die? I didn't stick around.

Speaker 2 That's illegal, bro. You have to stick around.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you what happened to me? It's like 14 years ago. I was with my brother Steve.

Speaker 2 It was a Friday night. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was raining. And I was on La Cienega in sunset, right?

Speaker 2 See, I was going up La Cienega

Speaker 2 in a rented car.

Speaker 2 By the way, I didn't run an old person off the road. I know what you didn't.

Speaker 2 That's why I went over.

Speaker 2 Sorry. That's why I ran over the

Speaker 2 bit. But honestly? You have a joke?

Speaker 2 Did you have a joke? I did.

Speaker 2 Do what I was doing, the OCD. Go ahead.
Tell me the joke now.

Speaker 2 See how weird it is? It's over. Go ahead.
No, no, no, no. You have to say the joke now.
Because I did a couple that, like, the time had passed.

Speaker 2 A lot of times in podcasts, you think of something, but then the timing, you know what I mean? And then it's gone. Yeah.
And then you just let it go.

Speaker 2 But not today. We're not doing that today.
Tell me the joke. So I ran this old lady off the road.
Right. She hit a tree.
She hit a tree head-on. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I didn't stay. Initially, I kept driving.
She was supposed to stay. Then I felt bad.
Yeah. I turned around.
I came back to the scene. Yeah.
I got her out of the car.

Speaker 2 I noticed that she was still breathing. And I got nervous because now there's a witness.
So I took off my shirt. She was bleeding.
And I pretended like I was going to cover up her wound.

Speaker 2 And I just wrapped it around her head and I strangled her to death. You were on La Ciena Gun Sunset?

Speaker 2 You run La Ciena Gun Sunset? Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Sorry.

Speaker 2 Sorry. Hold on.

Speaker 2 Sorry. I strangled her.
Wait, I strangled her. A little dark.
I strangled her. Did she switch it? Yeah.
Change it a little bit. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 I ran an old lady off the road and she hit a tree when I first moved to L.A. Yeah.
Did you stop?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I did. I stopped to make sure she was okay.

Speaker 2 And when I saw that she was totally fine and there was no big deal, I pulled out my Magnum 357 and I shot her a thousand times. Yeah?

Speaker 2 What a clever guy. Sunset and La Cienega.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, now my bit. See, now my bit is.
You got to do it. Now my bit doesn't work after you.
You don't have a choice. I know, but I have to do it.
But my bit,

Speaker 2 it has nothing even to do with that. Well, I've told you my story.
I actually hit a guy with my car, and this is real. Yeah.
I hit a man in the rain. Yeah.
I swear to God. Can I not tell my story?

Speaker 2 No, that's good. Nope.
Oh, fuck. I hit a man in the rain.
Go ahead. It was raining in La Cena and Sunset.
You hit a man in the rain? I did. Okay, all right.
So let me tell my first. Okay.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 so we rented a car. It was like a Chrysler.
And it's one of those cars where if you look at the dashboard, you don't know where the gas light is,

Speaker 2 where you're running out of gas. Sure.

Speaker 2 All the symbols look kind of the same. I just never looked at it or whatever.
And we had just gotten the car, so I'm like, you don't assume that you have to refill it. Not right away.

Speaker 2 I ran out of gas. Oh, shit.
So it was raining 5 p.m. Friday, La Cieneca, right?

Speaker 2 For those that don't know,

Speaker 2 it's an incline like this. And it's

Speaker 2 the most traffic

Speaker 2 congested place on planet earth on earth on earth yeah it's just cars everywhere

Speaker 2 and if a car stalls there oh boy people don't go home for five hours yeah at least

Speaker 2 so it stalls

Speaker 2 right i put the emergency break up my brother i'm with my brother smart i go stay because you know there's a chevron right there yeah go get gas My brother panicky. He runs in the rain, right?

Speaker 2 People are honking, screaming at me. I'm just sitting there sweating.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, right? My brother comes, right, with the fucking thing, and we pour it into the,

Speaker 2 what do you call it? Gas hole. The gas hole.

Speaker 2 It's one of those nozzles, right, where you have to either push it in for it to come out. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So my brother was doing it, but he was pushing it in in the wrong spot, and the thing wasn't actually in the hole. So it went all on the side of the car.

Speaker 2 He had to go back there again with the same thing. They go, we don't have another thing.

Speaker 2 He's trying to instruct my brother how to do it. Yeah.
And my brother comes back, and now my brother and I are going to kill each other. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And all of a sudden, I see this guy,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 These two guys. One guy didn't do anything, but they were both wearing comedy store t-shirts.
Employees.

Speaker 2 Who was it? It was Stephen Fury and Assan. Oh, nice.
You know, Assan? Yeah, I know them both. Very funny.
Yeah, they're good dudes. But I didn't know who they were at all.
You never met him yet?

Speaker 2 No, I mean, you know how I am at the comedy store. i'd see them around you don't know who anybody is i didn't know them yeah

Speaker 2 so i go um they go hey you need help bobby

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 and stephen fury does it he puts it in right and i looked at him i go you're gonna open for me and i gave him opening dates and that's how i knew him but then when he once he started open for me i realized how strong he was he's very funny he's so funny he's extremely funny and ahsana i gave a san dates as well but they saved my fucking life that's the there was no joke there was just a fucking swing.

Speaker 2 No, that's really nice. But the man in that.

Speaker 2 I had a guy in the rain. Yeah, yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. No, I hit a guy in the rain.
That's a real story.

Speaker 2 I was going to a job.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. I was going to a dinner to get fired from a job.
That's a fact. I was going to get fired from my first job in LA.
And I was mad I didn't want to go.

Speaker 2 And it was raining so bad on Crescent Heights and Beverly, where that big dip is, where swingers used to be. Yeah.
You know how that's a dip down? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I have a swinger story. I went through.
I was about to I bought a dip. I went through so fast and the rain hit my car so hard, it spread all over my window and I made a left.

Speaker 2 A guy was running through the rain across the street and I smoked him, shattered my windshield, got glass in my face. I hit him so fucking hard.
He came out of his shoes. Came out of his shoes.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I got out. What's going on? Are you okay? Not okay.
A woman's like, I'm calling the cops. Call the cops.
I was like, it's okay. I have insurance.
He didn't stick around. He fled the scene.

Speaker 2 I hit him and his buddy was like, let's go. We got to get the fuck out of here.
They had a backpack. I thought something was wrong.

Speaker 2 It's not funny. I hit a guy.
And then for weeks, I thought, what if he died now? I think you made me up the story. I swear to God, on my life.
Well, you could go to prison. Why?

Speaker 2 We called the cops.

Speaker 2 They left the scene. Okay.
And guess who didn't show up? Who? The cops. They never came.

Speaker 2 I fucking sat there in the fucking rain, waiting for the cops with this old baddie, crazy woman.

Speaker 2 I literally didn't hear any of the story. I kind of dozed off.

Speaker 2 That's why I asked you that.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. That's okay.

Speaker 2 I really didn't. That's fine.
I'm so fucked up that I do that. Yeah, you do it to me all the time.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I just want to give Chris Katan a message. Can we call Chris? No, no, no.
Call him. I don't want to.
Call him. So I Chris Katan.
Call him. I don't want to call him.
Bobby. I'm not calling him.

Speaker 2 Bobby, call him. But he's saying, Bobby, call Chris Katan.
You're saying the same thing. Call him.
I'm not. Call him.
No. Call him.
All right. Here we go.
Great.

Speaker 2 Chris Catan, we'll put up a picture right here, I'm sure.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Come on.

Speaker 2 Come on, Chris Catan.

Speaker 2 Hi, this is Chris. Please leave me message.

Speaker 2 How does that make you feel when someone doesn't answer answer the phone when you call them? Now I'm mad. Really? Yeah, because I was feeling guilty because I don't text them back.

Speaker 2 Oh, I know, because I saw all the blues on the side.

Speaker 2 I was feeling guilty about it. But now that I called and he didn't pick up, I don't feel as guilty anymore.
Are you relaying?

Speaker 2 Were you relaying because of something that happened in the text, or were you saying that because me and you, what happened yesterday?

Speaker 2 You know, it's funny.

Speaker 2 I didn't know that I was doing a podcast with a little boy.

Speaker 2 I didn't know I was doing a podcast with somebody that

Speaker 2 needed tissue paper to wipe his tears. I didn't know I was doing a podcast where, you know what I'm going to get for your birthday? A little violin.

Speaker 2 A tiny little violin. I didn't know I was doing a podcast with a biotch.

Speaker 2 It's so funny.

Speaker 2 I'm going through my head right now for stuff that I want to do to you or throw at you or physically hurt you. And I was like, I can't, I can't, I can't.

Speaker 2 I called, but I actually texted Bob 10 times in a row, didn't text or called him.

Speaker 2 It's so fucking stupid. And then I said, hey, well, first of all, I said, do you want to get lunch? I've done that twice in a row, and you didn't respond either time.

Speaker 2 First of all, you just say, I'm good.

Speaker 2 Thanks.

Speaker 2 I'm good. I already ate.
Okay, that's all I need to know.

Speaker 2 And then I said, Bob, because I played Warzone, the fans and me would love it if you went to the driving range with me. I wanted to go to the driving range with you.
I thought it'd be fun.

Speaker 2 I said, let's go to the driving range. I know you have nothing going on.
I know you have nothing going on. Because Kalila sends me a fucking schedule.
I get a screen scout of of your schedule.

Speaker 2 I know what the fuck you're doing. Nothing.
Goose egg. And you didn't come to the driving range with me.
And it's down the street from your house. You can spit there from where you live.

Speaker 2 I plan my life with you based on proximity for you.

Speaker 2 If you said,

Speaker 2 hey, dude,

Speaker 2 can you come to my house and have lunch? Because I haven't been to a restaurant in six months, right? I have not, since the pandemic. Jules, have we been to a restaurant? You went to Mendocino Farms.

Speaker 2 No, we get it delivered. You didn't go, you didn't go.

Speaker 2 you've never eaten at a restaurant so when you go when you you haven't eaten at one restaurant no so when you text me hey let's go have lunch it's like i'm not going to a restaurant to eat with you i don't do we don't do that why because we're in lockdown no we're not in lockdown yes we oh our our family

Speaker 2 is stupid everyone is eating outside there's outside stuff we don't do it we don't do it i haven't been to a starbucks You know how badly I want to go to a fucking Starbucks?

Speaker 2 When I leave here with her, I look at her and I go, can I go to a starbucks she goes no i'll tell kalila you get trouble snitch

Speaker 2 you know what fact you know what i'm going to say

Speaker 2 on a patio yeah i'm going to go to a starbucks after this and you're not going to tell kalila oh i like this

Speaker 2 okay

Speaker 2 so my point is is that so when you when you text me that right it's like you already i think i just assume that you already know the answer and the second of course i don't know the answer when i ask you to get lunch what you should say then is hey not eating at restaurants do you want to eat at your house or eat together somewhere else we can get it delivered But you don't say anything, and it's mean.

Speaker 2 It's rude.

Speaker 2 And the second text was: Do you want to play golf? It's like, no. Driving range.
Go to the driving range. I don't know how to play it.
That's the fun. I fucking bought headphones to play Warzone.

Speaker 2 I don't know how to play it.

Speaker 2 I'll do it. You're going to tape it, though.

Speaker 2 I don't want to do it go to waste. You have to tape it.
I'll film it. We'll bring a camera.
Andres, will you set up a camera so we can do it? Absolutely. Then it's so much fun.
And Rude can come.

Speaker 2 so wait a minute are you gonna be allowed to go to a driving range because it's outside probably not it'll be a fight but that's another thing it's always a fight things but why doesn't why don't you guys she doesn't trust me right because you're gonna like lick somebody or something no it's not i don't lick things you know i mean but she doesn't she thinks that like but if you're wearing a mask you're being safe and you're fine she just doesn't trust me and she has a she has a point you know i'm kind of like a

Speaker 2 you know you're like a little kid yeah like i just don't think of things like you've touched your face seven to ten times during this podcast I know because my face itches. Don't itch it.

Speaker 2 So my point is that she doesn't really trust me. So, you know, it's like

Speaker 2 What did he just say? Oh, did he text you back? Okay, hey, can I try you back later? No. Say, I need you now, Chris Katan.

Speaker 2 Cap City closed down.

Speaker 2 Cap City Comedy Club in Austin. Right.
Really? They banned me. I'm so happy that that's the case.
That's a bummer. You know why? Because the improv is opening there.
Oh, it is? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Rogan talked about opening a club down there, and then I thought, what if he buys Cap City?

Speaker 2 Then would you do it? Oh, yeah. If it was his club? And would you just talk about the whole time that you couldn't play it anymore, you got banned from it?

Speaker 2 Well, it was so funny because the same thing happened at Tempe. You got banned from Tempe? Yes.
What did you do? So at Tempe, right,

Speaker 2 I showed the audience.

Speaker 2 So Dan Murr, you know Dan Murr?

Speaker 2 So Dan Murr used to be the manager at the Tempe Improv, right?

Speaker 2 He's gone, right? He passed away. He died.
He passed away.

Speaker 2 What? That's my sad face. I know.
It was very sad. He's not with us.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So Dan Murr. First comedy club I suck into, by the way.
There was a guy named Howard Polands that owned, and he was a Christian.

Speaker 2 A good Christian. So it got to the point where they told they only would hire Christian comics, right?

Speaker 2 And so, but then I showed up because mencia came in

Speaker 2 right and i was opening for mencia and he's methodist no whatever he is okay and they go and they and they were like we don't want bobby he's like yeah but he's my opener and i knew that they were weird like that so i showed the audience the inside of my butthole that's christian right just because i wanted to show everyone we're all pink on the inside or whatever right

Speaker 2 they And then after that, I got mad, all that stuff, and they still wouldn't put me up.

Speaker 2 Just for showing your butthole? Yeah. So years,

Speaker 2 12 years, and they said he'll never play here. Wow.
But then

Speaker 2 my buddy bought it.

Speaker 2 Who bought it? Oh,

Speaker 2 the people who bought the improv. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So my buddy bought it, and

Speaker 2 I was like the second or third act that they hired. Wow.
He said, when I walked up on the improv stage, I go,

Speaker 2 I knew it was going to happen. It's good to play.
I went.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you did. I win.
Did you show that audience your butthole? Yeah. Yep.
And guess what? Still pink. Still pink, baby.
Still brown now. And you can play more brown than ever.
No problem, yeah.

Speaker 2 But you can play there whenever you want. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So if Rogan buys Cap City, you'll be happy to go down to Austin and do it.

Speaker 2 Or if he opens his own club. Look, I think it's sad that things are closing down, so it did make me sad.
But then I thought, what if, you know, Joe comes through and does this.

Speaker 2 There's another club out there that's kind of like that, too, for me. A lot of clubs, right, will have me one time, and they go, oh, it's too much for me.
Or what about you?

Speaker 2 Don't you go one time and go, I don't want to go back? That's rare. I mean, there are some gigs like Virginia Beach, where I went, never been when I went, I went, oh, I like to play here every year.

Speaker 2 And I remember like a year went by, and I go, and I did okay numbers, I could numbers. Improv.

Speaker 2 That's a funny bum. And I go, um,

Speaker 2 can I go back? And Matt was like, uh, probably never. Why? You showed your butthole? No, but I go crazy on stage.
You know me. Yeah, you lose it.
But what do you do?

Speaker 2 Yeah. They were like, enough.
We're not going to to have him. Wow.
And then

Speaker 2 the one that broke my heart the most is Columbus.

Speaker 2 Why? The funny bone because I love that room. I played it like 10 times.
Right. And he's a buddy of mine, David Stroop, but they just stopped booking me.
Because you were just too much? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, man.

Speaker 2 By the way, let me say this. I respect the family rules of the house.
You guys are being safe. I understand it.
It's a bummer because I want to be able to just get lunch with people outside sometimes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm just, I'm not one of those that

Speaker 2 It's fine. I'm not.
I just, I'm not.

Speaker 2 I am going to go to Whitney's house. I'm more mad.
You're going to go to Whitney's house? Tonight? No, like, because she's doing that thing.

Speaker 2 The stand-up stuff? Yeah. I can't do stand-up in front of.
No, I told her I'm not going to do stand-up. I'll come and hang out.

Speaker 2 I think that's what I'm going to do. I don't know.
I just, being around stand-up is so strange right now. Yeah, I can't imagine myself because I'm being invited.
Like,

Speaker 2 you know, people text me all the time. Hey, do my show, and I'll pay you.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm doing my first show this weekend. Where? Uh, in Glendale.
Where? It's in, like, a backyard. It's in, like, a backyard thing.
And who's doing it? Me, Segura, uh, a few special guests, Ian Edwards.

Speaker 2 It's actually a good show. And and uh, do you want to obviously? Yeah.
Yeah. But it's more it's more to just try.
I it's been six months.

Speaker 3 Yeah, I can't do it.

Speaker 2 And I need to practice because, you know. Because

Speaker 2 I'm going and doing dates in October. Oh, you have to go up, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I refuse to go up until until there's a regular audience. Oh, they are regular.
What do you mean? What's wrong with them? They're scattered, right? They're six feet apart.

Speaker 2 They're you and me apart. I mean, because I look at what Chappelle's doing in Miami, and I go, um, not Miami, Florida.

Speaker 3 Dave Chappelle?

Speaker 2 Yeah, Chappelle does that outside show.

Speaker 3 It's in Ohio, right?

Speaker 2 Isn't he in Ohio? Oh, I don't know where it is. Yeah, where he lives, yeah.

Speaker 2 Miami.

Speaker 2 Dave Chappelle presents!

Speaker 2 Chappelle, come come! Miami! Yeah, I don't know. I don't know, dude.

Speaker 2 Wherever it is. Yellow Springs, Ohio.
It's at his fucking house, I think. It is like a ranch or something.
Yeah, and I go, I just think, and I go, I just, that doesn't seem like stand-up to me.

Speaker 2 You would go, if Chappelle sent you an invite, you would go in a heartbeat to go to his little camp or whatever the fuck that is. I don't think I would.
Dave Chappelle calls you on the phone.

Speaker 2 I don't think I would do stand-up. What's up, Babe?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know. Get your ass.

Speaker 2 I don't know if I want to do stand-up. If Dave Chappelle called your phone and said, will you come to Yellow Springs and do a show and come hang out with me at the camp?

Speaker 2 You would say,

Speaker 2 I don't think, really? You would say, I don't think I want to go. I think I would panic and I'd probably write a set.
And you'd go. I'd probably go, yeah.

Speaker 2 If Chappelle, if the fucking goat told you to go? Show sure. Isn't he the greatest? Don't you think he's the greatest? I think he's our generation's Richard Pryor, yeah.

Speaker 2 I think he's the greatest comic I've ever, that's ever lived. Yeah, I think that in my fucking eyes.
I think in every generation, we have, you know,

Speaker 2 a type. I think he's typed.
I think he supersedes Tom. I think that our George Carlin, who's our George Carlin, do you think? Who's our George Carlin?

Speaker 2 Who's kind of like

Speaker 2 he was politically angled and prolific. Yeah, but he also has to be

Speaker 2 represented has to represent the times as well. So it's like in our era, it's because society changes and the culture changes.

Speaker 2 Maybe Burr. I think Bill Burr would be a good idea.
Yeah, Burr would be a Carlin. R George Carlin.
If Chappelle is our Richard Pryor, what else is another legend?

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 who's our?

Speaker 2 I mean, Chris Rock is kind of Chris Rock. I don't think anybody, I don't think he's like anybody before him.
He's our Bill Cosby. Yep.
Yeah. Yep.

Speaker 2 What about Seinfeld? He kind of falls

Speaker 2 in the middle. I'm going to say something controversial to you.

Speaker 2 I don't understand it.

Speaker 2 You don't understand Seinfeld's humor?

Speaker 2 I can understand why people like it, but I've never looked at it. It's fine.
Yeah. I never looked at it and,

Speaker 2 you know, his wife pronounced my name name wrong that's what it's about yeah that's more what it's about she called me billy and she didn't pronounce your name wrong she said your name wrong yeah pronounce it wrong you're having fun would be booby leaky and i go

Speaker 2 and i go i know and i go she just called me billy in my mind what'd you call her nothing i go i'm having fun you know she goes you having fun here billy and i go i'm having fun where were you guys it was a weird like a bumper car ride

Speaker 2 you having fun billy no it was um this is the i don't know this has never happened before or after, it'll never happen again. And I don't know why it happened with the Seinfelds.

Speaker 2 No, what happened was Apatow

Speaker 2 calls me and he's never called me again.

Speaker 2 I think something happened. I think I rubbed everyone the wrong way or whatever.
I'll tell you off air. Okay, do you really know?

Speaker 2 So, Apatow calls me. He goes, Hey, I have to go to this like this

Speaker 2 lunch brunch,

Speaker 2 and it's gonna be you, me, and um,

Speaker 2 Wayne. What's his name? Newton.
Newton. Wayne Newton.

Speaker 2 Wayne Fetterman. Wayne Fetterman.
Yeah. And I go, where is it? It's at the Palm restaurant, whatever.
The old one on Santa Monica. So I go, what is it?

Speaker 2 And he's like, it's Jerry Seinfeld's wife has a charity and it's a luncheon. And you want to go? And I go, I don't feel good.
I'm sorry. I go, I'm going to go.
Wow. So I wear my best Hawaiian shirt,

Speaker 2 right? And I show up. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it's me, Judd Federman sitting at a table Sebastian's there too because you know Sebastian's in with Seinfeld they're very close they're very close he's the only guy that did a show twice I think it was like when Sebastian saw me there you could see that he was shocked he goes what are you doing here what are you doing what are you doing here right and I go I don't know why I'm here how mean is that when somebody goes what are you doing here you're like fuck I know I don't belong Oh, I have another story about a famous guy, and I've never called him out.

Speaker 2 But this, I'm I'm going to call him out. Yeah, do it.
I want to start a war. But hold on, let's do this first.
So get through this. Sebastian says, what are you doing here?

Speaker 2 You're like, I don't belong here.

Speaker 2 You're at the thing. So I go, yeah, I don't know.
And then I met Seinfeld to walk by. Mrs.
Seinfeld. No, Jerry.
Oh. With his wife.

Speaker 2 And I think Judd goes, this is Bobby.

Speaker 2 He didn't know I was a comic. Bobby, he's a comic.
So, hi, nice to meet you. Hi, Simmons.
Nice to meet you. And then his wife goes, nice to meet you.
And they walk by.

Speaker 2 And then an hour into the luncheon, there was a bunch of speakers.

Speaker 2 I don't even know what the thing was. How bored were you? So bored.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And the shrimp was dry. The shrimp was dry at the palm? Yeah.
And then I remember she comes back. She goes, you having fun, Billy?

Speaker 2 That's fine. She's never met you before.
She barely knows you. You don't even know her fucking name.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And what did you say? Yes, I'm having fun. Yeah.
Yeah. And you let that sit with you? Yeah.
I don't know. I should let it go.
That's insane. You just met her for the first time.
It's not like it.

Speaker 2 It's not like, dude, I've met this girl 10 times. Yeah.
Could I tell you? Because I have stories of comics like that. Yeah.
I've met you before.

Speaker 2 Andrew, right? Yes, bitch. We've met a thousand fucking times.
Stop pretending like you don't know me.

Speaker 3 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But I used to go to all those because I was sober. What about that? And I couldn't get any girls.
Right. Right? And so this is so embarrassing.
So I thought

Speaker 2 the time on a show

Speaker 2 that if I went to a Hollywood place like Joseph's, that I may be able to get a girl, and I couldn't get any. You still couldn't get late? No.
Did you ever go to like Rainbow Room?

Speaker 2 And date the goth girls? What's wrong with goth girls? No, no, but sure, I just don't like pale-skin.

Speaker 2 I tried to go out with a goth girl, and she didn't like me, I think. I don't know what it is.
Didn't you do? You definitely dated pale-skinned women. I did a lot.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like three of them that I've known. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So you do like pale-skinned women. I do like pale-skinned women.

Speaker 2 What you're talking about. But that vibe, i mean like did you do that thing like the sunset no no no i don't know why but i kind of was going for like um

Speaker 2 nightclub rest well no you kind of think to yourself can i elevate my game in my head i thought the game was there it wasn't yeah but what i went was i went to my own people

Speaker 2 what was your own people kalila right but that's years years later yeah yeah yeah i feel comfort with someone that's you know, more closer to my ethnicity, I guess. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Somebody that, you know, eats the same kind of things i do and doesn't look at my you know body and judges me in in in a you know in any lens in a lens of of race she doesn't judge you in any way physically no no i know it's nice like she's never looked at you

Speaker 2 last night because i had i you know i almost didn't come today because i had

Speaker 2 my stomach hurt so bad last i couldn't sleep i was achy and i was making groans tummy no no yeah my tummy and kalila would and i was farting up because we had this garlic sauce, remember the garlic sauce?

Speaker 2 I was farting out something just abysmal, man.

Speaker 2 Like, it was, it stunk up the whole room. I know.
I know. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And it was like a thick jungle, like, thick napalm.

Speaker 2 Napalm, garlic, and shit. That's what I'm saying.
Like, it blankets the room. Yeah, it blankets the room.
Yeah. Like, the army could use it.
Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And so it was just blanking the room. And every 10 seconds, shh, it was like, I was spreading my sh cheeks apart too.
Oh, because you didn't want to flap? I didn't want to flap, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, shh, right? And Kalila would just kind of rub my head, you okay, so what can I do? What can I do? And some pale white chick would have been like, I'm out of here.

Speaker 2 Right? Ew, you're gross. Are you farting? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Go in the other room. And I just kind of like the fact that Kalila is like, will go deep into the pick style.
Will she smell it?

Speaker 2 She doesn't like it. Oh.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she just is like, it is.

Speaker 2 She's going to go, mmm.

Speaker 2 That would be hot. Yeah.
And she goes, mmm.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so you know, um, so you ended up where you belonged. Yeah, but there was a time where I was like, maybe I could get, like, you know,

Speaker 2 did you ever get laid?

Speaker 2 Did you ever get laid at the nightclub? You never took home one girl from all the years you spent in nightclubs? Really?

Speaker 2 What about girls that were like recognizing you for Mad TV?

Speaker 2 Still? Like a girl that comes up to you that's like, you're so funny. I want to drink with you.
And you drink and you party with them. And you never got laid

Speaker 2 and what about like a kiss i was like joey diaz in the sense that like i kind of dated in-house like your like your cousins like family

Speaker 2 because joey diaz is you know girlfriend right or wife you know what i mean with the was a waitress at the comedy store correct right yeah and i knew her way back then so it's like um

Speaker 2 it's just it's in-house right so it's like you start you know Covet what you see like Buffalo Bill and Silence of the Lambs, right? You covet, you know what I mean? bad reference.

Speaker 2 No, I love that reference. It's the truth.
It's like you covet what's around, so then you start dating, you know, a comic, right? Right. Or, you know, a waitress or whatever.

Speaker 2 It's, it does, you know, that's the way when Jim Carrey, you know, his first wife was a waitress at the comedy store. Yeah.
You covet what you see.

Speaker 2 And so I just kind of stayed in-house rather than going outside. You know, I think later in life, you know, when I became more of a name, it became much easier when I had a fan base.

Speaker 2 But in the beginning of Mad TV, I didn't have that.

Speaker 2 It took years and years to get a fan base. Before we go,

Speaker 2 I want you to apologize to me for not texting me back. Even to say no, I don't want to.

Speaker 2 The word no is fine.

Speaker 2 Nope. No.

Speaker 2 I don't even need no thanks. No.

Speaker 2 On text, not in person. In person, you do say something nice.

Speaker 2 You apologize for your behavior.

Speaker 2 Say, I'm sorry, I should text back.

Speaker 2 I don't know why I can't do it.

Speaker 2 Just close your eyes. I can't do it.
You don't even have to look at me. Just close your eyes.
But I don't feel sorry. Is that okay if I don't feel sorry? That's fine.
Just because.

Speaker 2 All right, so just know what I'm saying. I don't mean at all.

Speaker 2 At all. Okay.
Like, I don't give a shit.

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay.
Okay. I'm sorry for not texting you back.
That's good enough. Thank you for being a bad friend.