Bobo's Big Head and Rudy Wins an Oscar!

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You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

White dude and an Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

So I would like to open up this podcast by saying I appreciate ya. Me? Yeah.
I think that. I think that.
I honestly know. You know, I've been thinking about you laying in bed.
When I lay in bed, Kalea's asleep usually. And I just kind of lay in bed and I think about you and I get warm fuzzies and I think to myself, what a lucky guy I am.
I'm lucky to have you as a friend. I'm lucky to have you to work with you because you're one of the top comedy talents.
It's like if I had a wish list of the best people I could do it with you'd be in the top of the list. I'm very lucky in that way.
We have great chemistry. I just am blessed to have you in my life And I just think that you're a great guy, man.
I love you, Bob. I love you too, man.
I love you. I love you too.
And, you know, I think that you're just so talented. You know, what's great about you as well is you are, you're handsome.
You're a good looking guy as well. Where's this going? Nowhere.
This is genuine? You know what, dude? No, honestly, dude. Bro, I've just had a rebirth, man.
Really? Yeah, and I have other things I want to say. I want to say to Jules, oh, wow.
Are you done with me? There's so much I can say. No, I just want to say thank you.
Not only that, I just think that your wife is a superb, it's like a superb human. Yeah.
Like she was made, you know, almost perfectly. Yes.
Yeah, you both were. Thank you.
And I think that you come from great stock. Bobby.
No, I really, your parents, dude, I don't know much about them. Yeah.
Even your OG dad. Yeah.
I'm sure he was crazy and violent and whatnot. I'm sure that he is just genetically one of the greatest.
Can I say something about you? Please. You are by far my favorite comedian.
Thank you. Sorry, my favorite Korean comedian.
Okay, I take that. You know what? I take it.
And I mean that. And I think it's great.
Name another Korean comedian that's as good as you. Ken Jeong.
Shit. Yeah.
I didn't think about it. But, all right.
You know, you're probably making this into a bit, but I'm trying to be sincere. Let me be sincere.
All right. You're one of the most talented people I've ever known in my entire life.

Appreciate it.

I love you.

I'm so happy that we're doing this show together.

Yeah, it's great. There's only one problem with this show.

What?

Yeah.

He's Rudy.

I know.

She's so spoiled

and I told you guys in the parking lot

she got a gift.

Someone sent you an amazing gift

and I don't know if you deserve it

and Bobby actually said don't give it to her.

Yeah, but can I just finish my thing or not? Oh, sorry. May I? Yeah, please.
Because I want to move on from it. Okay.
I do. I want to say my piece.
I want to move on from it. Before you say anything, are you still smoking or no? I've gone to three a day.
It worked. It's working.
It's working. Yes, it's working.
Feels good. I feel great.
I feel great about life and I feel good.

Do you feel better genuinely?

I do.

And I feel like breathing.

Let me hear you breathe into the mic.

Feels great.

Sounds good.

Uh-huh.

Jules, you know, if I had a daughter, I probably would want you as my daughter.

I think that you are – what a great lady.

She cleans vomit, cat vomit. She does?

Yeah, she does and you do it perfectly.

She does.

I love your animation,

your anime likes. Animation.

You've recommended

me some. I love them all.

I think that you're pure at heart.

Andreas, you're better

looking than

Puyol. Who's Puyol? You know Puyol.
Yeah, he's a defender for Barcelona. Yeah, Puyol.
I think that you move like Iniesta, another soccer player. I think that when I smell you, I don't smell nasty beans.
Fancy beans. I smell fancy beans.
I think you're a great guy. George, if you're listening, you're one of my favorite people in the whole world.
Yeah, I really do. And I'll tell you why I'm doing this.
And I'll tell you why. There's an explanation to all this.
You know, I got a – sometimes I go on the gram. what was on the gram and you know this guy just you know I get a lot of direct messages DM request God you're such a massive cunt to Santino that's the first sentence is that what he.
God, you're such a massive cunt to Centino. You have all

these ball-gaggling sycophants

around you that validate your

shitty behavior.

Are you 50 fucking

years old? And he leaves it at that.

You're 49. I'm 48.
48.

Yeah, and it's not a satire anymore,

dude. It's just bullying.

And you know what? Usually,

I don't know this guy, but, you i i went at first i was in a rage when i read it i threw the phone this fucking son of a bitch can i see it i want to see his name sure yeah i want to see his profile but don't say his name of course not no need no need no need yeah no need so no need but i want to see his profile. Yeah, look at his profile.
So I can thank him.

No.

Yeah, so when I got that message, I did some introspection. Yeah.
And I thought to myself, this guy has a point. What a piece of shit I am.
And I need to be better around the people around me because the people around me love it. They don't need my toxic, poisonous, you know, words to hurt them and slash them down every day.
You know, I need to be more uplifting. And so for the rest of this podcast, my friend, I am going to approach it, right, as a Christian, I am going to approach it in the purest form I can.
I'm not going to degrade anybody. Okay, I'm not going to make fun of anybody.
I'm just going to be Mr. Positive.
And I think that that's going to be my new route in life. I found a new path.
Let me ask two things. One, this guy is a fan of you, obviously, right? Sure, and thank you for being one.
But he's obviously a fan. I love him.
So maybe he's taking it too serious when we joke around with each other. I appreciate the notes, and I appreciate your criticism, and I took it to heart.
Thank you, friend. He took it to heart.
Yeah. Well, I'll say this.
I love you to death. Love you.
You're the greatest guy I've ever met.

Okay, this is not.

It's working.

But can I tell you what you said?

Can I say what you said after that?

No, don't read my response.

Well, no, he said, are you?

I don't read my response.

Well, he said, are you 50 years old?

Yeah, yeah.

50 years old?

Yeah.

F-ing.

I say F-ing now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm changing.

I don't use the F word anymore.

Yeah, yeah.

And you said 48.

Yeah. You just wrote 48.
That's what I read. It's not satire anymore.
Dude, it's just bullying. I get unsubscribe, yada, yada, yada.
What is he saying there? Oh, he's going to unsubscribe from us? Yeah. From our show? Yeah.
Huh. He's defending me, but he doesn't want to see us together anymore.
Yeah. He wants to break it up.
He wants to break us up? Yeah. No, I think that he just doesn't find the way I approach the podcast is positive.
And he thinks it's – he later says that everything I say is cringeworthy. So – and I really took it to heart.
So I don't want to say cringeworthy things. And I want to change.
I'm getting too old to be combative and being – I feel like I'm too mean. This is positive, I guess.
So I want to be positive and I want to change my stuff. So I think this podcast is going to be completely just positive for me.
And I'm not going to say anything negative. And I love the way you bobble your head.
It's cute. I really do.
I have to say this, that I saw the documentary you recommended. Which one? John and Aliens.
John tries to talk to aliens. How fun was that? You didn't like it.
I mean, I wish I could get the 17 minutes back. It's 17 minutes.
It's hard to do this positive, but... This is what that guy was talking about.
I know. I know.
I know. This is what the guy's talking about.
So let me just. The reason there's a beautiful love story.
I think the love is good. You know, it's another bad.
You know, it's another bad documentary you shouldn't watch. And I mean it.
What? Netflix is I am a murderer released. It's about a guy that had a life sentence.
He did 30 years. And then Texas overturned his death sentence and he got released.
And I'm thinking this is going to be good. They introduced this woman.
He goes to live with this woman. He calls mama.
And I think they're sleeping with each other. Yeah.
Yeah. And I think right away.
Well, I want to watch it, so don't give it away. I'm not going to.
But I think right away with this woman. Yeah.
He goes to live with. Yeah.
What do you think? He's going to kill her. I'm like, he's got to kill her.
Or does he? Poink? Boink, boop, boop. Does he? Nothing fun.
Nothing fun happens? Nothing! Oh, nothing happens? It's not worth watching? No, I texted Netflix. I emailed Netflix.
I go, what is this? Can we go back to John? Go back to John. Yeah, yeah.
So, I found it, I'm watching it, I go, this is very interesting. Yeah.
This documentary, right? And it's about a guy, right, who – It's about a guy that tried to talk to aliens. No, let's start with he had a traumatic childhood.
Yes. And he was, I guess, beaten by his parents.
They were drug addicts or whatnot. I think by everybody.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And his grandparents – I love grandparents like this, by the way.
So nice. They go, well, I'm going to take you out of this toxic situation and we're going to raise you ourselves.
Yeah. And then so at that point, I think that's when I lost me.
And then John goes, can I talk to aliens? And they were like, what do you mean? Kiddo, I just – can I have half a million dollars so I can buy the equipment?

And they're like, well, we've been saving all of our lives. Yeah, and then so what they do is they're sitting in their living room,

and this piece of shit starts building, you know what I mean?

He takes over the whole house.

He takes over the whole house building all this equipment to contact the aliens, you know?

And I just think that it would have been a little better that if the grandparents said,

half a million dollars, and he goes, yeah, and they said, NASA, they do it. They have it.
Yeah, but he wants to be different. No, no, no, no, no, they have it.
They talk to aliens. They've been up there.
Yeah, but he wants to. Yeah, in 1977, they launched the Voyager 2, which reached what, they, all the planets, it circled all the planets.
Not all the planets. That's insane.

In our solar system, yeah, they went to Venus.

They saw the off moons as well.

They didn't go to all of them.

Yes, they did.

They used the rotation of the – my point is that – Can you name the planets?

Yeah.

Mercury.

My very good mother – go ahead.

Yeah, I don't know that in order, but Venus, Jupiter, Saturn, right?

Yeah.

Mars.

Yeah.

Venus. Said that already.
Okay. What about Serena? Uranus.
Venus, Serena. Serena.
Uranus. Yeah.
Urethra. Yeah.
Venus. And? And.
Calabrese. Williams.
Top of nuts. Venus Williams.
But anyway, so I would have said that. No, I would have said that.
And then it's like, and then, you know, he found another fatty that he, fuck. Hey, hey, hey.
I love it. I love it.
Be positive. I love the love.
I know you're right. He found the love of his life.
He found the love of his life. And they made her.
No, you're right. You're right.
You're right. I'm trying to correct myself.
I know. Found the love of his life, right? And at the end, he makes out with him.
Well, they kiss because they're in love. They're in love.
You don't want to see men kiss? I love it. I love it.
I love it. I love it.
And I was watching it, and I turned to Kalilah. I was blushing.
Yeah. You know what I mean? And I did a tremble.
You know what I mean? I think it was a love tremble. Okay.
It wasn't negative. What did Kalilah say? She goes, oh.
And I went, oh. Like that.
But you know what? I think that was a love gurgle. I think the problem was because they both have big heavy beards.
Yeah. Anyway, so good luck to them.
Yeah, good luck. And thank you so much.
All that equipment, by the way, all the money they spent is now in a warehouse. It's in a warehouse and no one's using it.
Yeah, because it doesn't work. I know, but it's the only thing he likes.
Oh, can I just say one last thing? Sure. Right? It's like, um, so he, what was he? He was sending music up there, right? Yes, he was like broadcasting radio waves.
He was sending Nigerian Afrofunk. Right? He's like, he's sending Nigerian Afrofunk up in space, right? And what I want to ask him is just put up some Adele.
A little bit. Shit that people like.
A little bit of Adele. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Adele. Taylor Swift.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Some tunes.
Yeah, yeah. Don't put up, like, you know what I mean? This is albino country music from fucking Argentina.
They don't want to hear that. Yeah.
Well, maybe they do. They want to hear pop.
How do you know what aliens like? But that's the thing. You don't know that they like Nigerian African punk.
So what if they like Nigerian Afro-punk? They might, but also throw out some stuff that we all like. Right, a little bit of Beach Boys.
Yeah, I'm Whitney. Whitney Houston.
Yes, I'm Whitney. I get it.
Beat it, whatever. If you're going to send music to space, what are you sending? What's the top three things you'll send? I would probably send some sort of opera.
Oh, okay. Because, you know, it shows vocally.
Ave Maria. Probably Ave Maria.
Yeah. Right? Very good song, right? Yes.
I would probably send also some, I would send something poppy like Whitney or something. Okay.
You know? How will I know? Yeah, I would probably sell, probably the Eagles. Ooh.
Yeah. Pass.
No. What, Hotel California? Not Hotel California, like Easy, Take It take it easy take it easy can I tell you something I'm being genuine right now yeah yeah yeah when I was going through this this um my ocular migraines in college and I was having really bad panic attacks and then sending me to the ER because I couldn't see out of my left eye and I thought I was dying take it easy that's not funny I just no you're right you're right.
Are you okay? No, are you okay? Don't pretend. No, I'm not trying to pretend.
I like old Bobby. I want a fucking change! I like old Bobby.
I want a fucking change. I like old Bobby.
No, I don't want... I want this new one.
You're supposed to make fun of me when I say something like that. No, I'm not gonna.
Are you okay? Really? I'm gonna keep tempting you. Are you okay? I hit my face on my counter when I passed out during an earthquake.
What do you think? you know what when that happened it was it was sad funny no you thought it was funny i wanted to go to i wanted to go to the hospital i wish i was there with you at the hospital okay so anyway i did i used to listen to the eagles take it easy because it calmed me down but i don't even like the eagles i know i think i think they're great what three songs would you send to space? Or three bands? One would be an anime song. I made this.
That's why you're not in charge of it. No, just one.
That's why we would never put you... There will never be a documentary.
Jules talks to aliens. Because they would talk back.
Actually, they probably love anime. You know what Kalilah did? What? She spent $5,000 or something to put her name on a plaque on a satellite that was sent to the thing.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, and 50,000 people did it.
Yeah. You think the alien's going to grab the fucking satellite and go, Kalilah? Yeah.
No. Yeah, they are.
No, they're going to explode it. No, they're going to take it and go.
And another fucking thing Kalilah did is one time one time she, you know what she did? She goes, I go, where are we going? It's four in the morning. We're going to go see the launching of the satellite.
The plaque into space. Whatever.
And I go, okay, I'm going to sleep. That's the old me.
The new me would go. Thank you.
Where are we going? I got my binoculars. Let's go.
Good boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've got my little fucking antenna hat. Well, now that I have you in this good mood.
Yeah. I think, I think.
But can I tell you what happened? Tomorrow morning we should go for a walk together. I love it.
Let's go. You want to go hiking? I'll bring my shoes.
9 a.m. Will you go? I'll be there.
You're going to go. And we'll look at the butterflies and the trees.
Well, there is no butterflies. Whatever it is.
But there's trees. Is there fresh air? 930.

Are you going to be there?

I'll be there.

That's the most important thing.

You didn't even tell us the songs.

We cut her off.

An anime song and what else?

Let me just finish this thing, right?

Just give her two more.

Let her have two more.

Maybe a rock song so that aliens would be curious.

What rock song?

Maybe like Nirvana.

Okay. Pretty good.
I like that. That's a good choice.
Pretty good. What song? What song though? Teen Spirit or Lithium? Lithium? Lithium.
Very good. I would do Rate Me.
Yeah. Yeah.
That makes sense. I would do Rate Me.
Because that's a signal to tell them, come on down. It's just a good song.
And it also teaches them about, you know, bad things, too. About life.
Right, right. What else? What are you looking for on the floor? Did you lose something? No, I thought I dropped my rubber band.
Oh. And then maybe a classic song or...
A classic song? Like what? I don't know. Yes, you do.
Throw it out there. Yes, you do.
I don't know anything. She doesn't know any.
You don't know any? You don't know one classic rock song? Not a rock song. No, classic song.
You don't know any classic songs. Do you know a Beatles song? Maybe a Beatles song.
What's a Beatles song? Hey June. Hey June.
Hey June's a good song.

Hey June.

When is it April?

Yeah. That's a good song.
So that's good. You'll send

Hey June up there.

Here's my three. Ready?

Yeah, go ahead.

Otis Redding. Great.

Sitting on the dock of the bay.

Unconventional song. There's a lot of different,

but I like it because

there's a song he wrote

before he died.

So I like it.

He died?

Otis died.

Oh.

Crashed in a plane crash.

With Richie?

Richie.

Richie Valley, bro.

Richie Valley, bro.

He died in Lake Monona,

which is in Madison, Wisconsin.

Oh, shit.

You know those two lakes

that surround Madison?

Of course.

Lake Monona?

Lake Monona. Yeah, yeah.
And he died in one of them. One of them crashed.
Otis Redding. Anything really about Otis Redding.
I would send them really any Radiohead. That's really tough, but I would send them something by Radiohead.
I would just put – you know what I would send them? The whole OK Computer album. OK Computer, yeah.
You don't like that? Do I like OK Computer? Yeah, because you don't seem artsy in that way. Oh, Bobby.
But you are. You're creative.
Thank you. Thank you.
See, that's just you judging. You don't know enough about what I like.
You're just white dudes, stiff white. I'm a stiff white dude? No.
No, I'm just saying. I'm friends with hip-hop artists.
I know some, too. Who? What one friend do you have in hip-hop?

I have a friend named Marshall.

He's pretty good.

What is he?

Marshall what?

I don't know.

His name is Eminem or something like that.

You're not friends with Eminem?

I did his video.

So?

Because he wanted a chunky Korean guy in the video?

So you're friends with him now?

And we talked and we hung out.

Really?

Yeah.

Text him.

Call him.

No.

Why?

Do you have his number?

No.

Not friends.

Oh, so I need to have the number to be friends with somebody? Yeah. Text him.
Call him. No.
Why? Do you have his number? No. Not friends.
Oh, so I need to have the number to be friends with somebody? Yep. You're right.
You know what? I fucked up. I have a gift.
Oh, great. What is it? I have a gift for Rudy.
Yeah. So this is from our friend Small Plate Blades, and this is maybe one of the coolest things on earth.
Go ahead and there you go. Oh, my God.
Open that up. Amazing.
Wait till you see how cool this looks. Look at the handle on that thing.
How beautiful is that? That's handmade. That's a handmade knife.
Now take it out of its sheath. Be careful.
Just pull. There you go.
Look at that thing. How beautiful.

What does the handle look like?

Here, give it to me.

I'll give it to Bob.

Let me see.

How incredible is this knife?

Handmade.

Look at that.

It's absolutely stunning.

That is fucking stunning, dude.

And it's sharp as fuck.

Well, yeah.

Be careful.

This is real.

Yeah.

I just want to do this.

No!

Yeah, yeah.

Don't cut.

Yeah.

Go across.

But, you know, it's down the street, not across the road if you're going to do it.

Ah, definitely don't.

Yeah.

Here you go.

It's a great knife.

This is your beautiful knife.

What do you think?

It's really beautiful.

Say thank you.

Thank you to whoever made it.

Small plate blades.

All right.

Thank you, small plate blades.

Let me go back to myself.

You want me to go back to myself?

Yeah, of course.

Is it not working?

I just, I want you to be you. And he made us one, Bob.
Look at this. And what does that say? Bad friends.
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Not available in all states. I think I want to go on a fast.
A water fast. There's a show called Well and I've been watching it with my girlfriend.
You want to just drink water? Yeah, people do 30-day water fasts and I want to do a water fast I think. One guy died.
One guy died. That's bad.
Yeah, one guy died. But I want to do what? Today, I haven't eaten all day because I watched that fast documentary so I'm going to try not to eat really.
I don't know if that's a good idea. I've got to figure something out.
I have to i you know i i've been stagnant maybe you need some fat and i just want to eat pizza so fucking badly all the time it is the best i have six fucking lou malnati's pizzas in my freezer and they've just been sitting there because i'm trying every time i eat a pizza my neck hurts and i want to fucking i do i know but your neck hurts from eating pizza? Yeah, and my neck hurts. How many slices of food do you eat?

I eat the whole thing.

And my whole – my blood pressure shoots through the roof.

My neck hurts and I can't move and I feel like shit.

It like cripples you?

Yeah, but then yesterday I'm like, I'll go to fucking – I'll go to Mendocito Farms and get the impossible salad.

You know, the impossible meat?

Sure.

So they – it's not good.

It's not good for you. They put it in there and I shaked it up.
I ate it. I'm like, oh, that didn't feel good.
And then I saw healthy food doesn't feel good either. Well, it doesn't feel like you ate anything.
Right. It's just air.
So then I, and then last night I didn't really eat much. And then today I'm being out of fast.
So I need to change my life. And so they're doing, I watching that documentary well and then there's another episode about tantric sex.
I want to do that maybe. I want like somebody's fingers on my belly and I want an orgasm without ejaculation.
But you know how hard that is? You have to last hours and hours and hours without. I want a two hour orgasm with you.
With me? I don't know why I said that. Wait seriously? Are you being serious? No, I don't know why I said that to you.
I would love it. I would love it.
I would do two-hour... Do you want a tantric? I would do a two-hour tantric orgasm session with you.
We could open an OnlyFans and see how many people would pay for us to tantric. Well, there's a lady in Mexico that we could stay at her place.
Hmm. Yeah, I would do a two-hour.
Her last name's Cobra. It would be real.
Maybe it's like Sasha, Martha Cobra or something. Martha Cobra? And she, no, she's white.
Oh, okay. She's white.
What's going on in Mexico? She has her own institute, a tantric sex interest. That's right, because it's illegal probably to do here.
I don't know, but you and I could get naked. We could sit and touch each other.
She puts her fingers on your belly. Why in your belly? I don't know.
In your button? button maybe sometimes do you have an innie or an out and she goes you know just giggle and then in the documentary they were giggling so i would love to get naked and giggle with you and then and then and then what she does is and then cry if you want to so they cry and then they go laugh and then they orgasm together so i would love to lock eyes with you and just orgasm without being gay what do you mean how is it gay I just don't want that to be thrown in why there's just no gay it's just friends it's just two guys naked laughing orgasming together there's nothing gay about it. No, it's fine.
And it's cool. Yeah.
We could touch each other. Yeah.
Yeah. But not like hold hands.
Well, but don't they say we can tickle noses? We can tickle noses. But you know what we also could do? Yeah.
Because we're laying side by side together, right? Yeah. Our dicks aren't out.
Yeah, they are. They might be.
In my mind, they are. Yeah, yeah.
But in the document, they document they have a blanket over it which way is your dick laying you know how it lays sometimes straight up I'm hard oh you are yeah yeah straight up see I'm soft for the whole thing oh you are well tantric says you have to really calm yourself and pace yourself so I would lay next to you it'll be doing this you know when it does that you know when it's going down and it's popping it's getting the heartbeat back and whoa, and you're like, oh, oh, oh. Yeah.
And it comes down. And I would lay next to you and I would just, you know, giggle, cum, and then cry.
And I think that would... You want to snuggle at the end? You want a spoon? Nah.
Come on. I walk away.
Oh, you're going to leave me the way I am. I might even take a plane without you and just leave.
That's kind of hot. Yeah, yeah.
You leave me, you smoke a cigarette and you go no don't even do that flick it on me don't even do that bobby no we we do the session right yeah i literally like a zombie get up get up pack my shit and get out and i just take a mexican uber and i'm out of there uh you want to fast with me yeah no no i can't drink just water i can't do it but what it says it resets your your body but you can reset your body in other ways like how uh by doing stretching exercising mindful meditation you know i've been trying to do that really difficult to do yeah because my water heater went out and i was two weeks without water i don't know the name of the company but i but i do want to defame them on I will defame the homeowner's insurance company that screwed us over. So the water heater at your home went out.
I had two weeks of cold showers. Do you pee in the shower? I pee right outside of the shower.
Do you really pee? You don't pee in the shower? No, I pee in the shower every time. Yeah, me too.
Doesn't everybody? Do you pee in the shower? Of course you do. You pee in the shower.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Fancy, do you? No. Fancy doesn't pee in the shower.
Yeah, of course. Because he's fancy.
Why don't you fancy? Do you go in the toilet? Of course. Loser.
Are you afraid to pee in the shower? It's the same drain. Do you pee in the swimming pool? I pee in my pool.
It's my pool. In a public pool, have you peed? If it's in a public pool, I'll get out and I'll stand up and I'll pull it out and I'll pee right into it.
I won't pee while I'm swimming. No, but I always pee in a public pool.
You're supposed to. Really? They're public.
That's the whole point of a public pool is to pee in it. But could I...
I would love to take a poll of how many people pee in the shower. I'm offended you don't pee in the shower, Fancy.
That's so stupid. But one time, I went to Splash Mountain.
Six Flags? Yeah. Not at Splash Mountain.
They have a water park attached to Six Flags. Did you know that? Yeah, I think they own it.
It's a water slide park. That's what I mean.
Right. And around the water side park, I swear to God I did this.
Around the water side slide park, there's a river. Lazy river.
It's like a lazy river, right? Yes. And 10,000 kids are in this river.
Oh, yeah.

Right? Oh, yeah. And I went in the river

and my friend Laban, I have a friend named Laban,

I know, my friend

Laban, he's a skater. Okay.
Laban goes,

dude, don't go in there, brah.

And I go, why? It'll be

funny. I'll take the life raft.

Don't go in there, brah.

I wouldn't go in there. I go, why? He goes, you know how many kids shit in there and piss in there and i go dude look at the river that's like i drink that water you're like dude i'm gonna shit and piss in that water i might that's why i'm getting in i went to the hospital i went straight to the hospital you got an infection i had to put they had to drain my body I had an infection I had diarrhea I almost died dude that water is fucking like rancid it's so gross it's all bacteria it's all bacteria it's just peeing all day because what I did was I was trying to be funny I was on the tube my friend Laban was like dude, dude, get out of there, brah.
Right?

And I was like drinking the water.

Oh, God.

Like just to be funny.

You know what I mean?

Like, dude, whoa, look.

Next thing, beep, beep.

I swear to fucking God, dude.

That place should shut down.

Yeah, but just don't get in that water.

You're right.

Let little kids get in there.

I love water slides, though.

You do?

Yeah.

I don't like them.

I love them.

I don't like them.

Why? Because I fell off one in high school. Really? Yeah.
I don't like them. I love them.
I don't like them. Why? Because I fell off one in high school.
Really? Yeah. I went to a fair once in Del Mar.
And they had roped off a section. And then I looked at this roller coaster.
And there was a father and a kid dangling. They had off the roller coaster shut up yeah and i remember going hurry i want to get on it you know i'm being real i was because i thought that i didn't know what it was at first you didn't know they were in danger yeah they didn't die but they were about to did they i don't know but i was like hurry it up you know what i mean let's go because i was waiting, I think, or something.
I went to Six Flags one time when they shut it down. It was called Six Flags Great America in Chicagoland.
And they shut it down because one of the rides got stuck, and the people were in it, sideways, stuck. Sideways, sitting in the chair sideways.
Oh, wow. Like on an embankment curve.
Yeah. And they're like, help, help.

And honestly, I stared for like five minutes.

And then afterwards, I was like, let's go.

Yeah.

Really?

I don't want to see if they get killed, if they die.

Her family?

Yeah.

They build water slides.

Cowards.

Yeah.

We went to Disneyland, right?

Every ride.

Disneyland.

Yeah.

It's not Magic Mountain.

I rode everything except the Guardians.

Yeah. We go to the Guardians of the Galaxy ride.
Disneyland. It's not Magic Mountain.
I rode everything except the Guardians.

We go to the Guardians of the Galaxy ride.

Awesome.

Did you see it?

We ride it?

Yeah, it's awesome.

It's awesome.

I don't want to.

Why?

Why?

I'm scared.

What are you scared of? Scared of what?

Of the roller coasters and the up and down.

Nobody dies on them other than Kyle Schmidt, 10-year-old boy, four ago. Most people don't die.
Yeah. I'm not scared of them at all.
Some people just don't like them. One out of 100 people die, maybe.
Maybe a little bit more. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe one out of 70, but you're not going to be one of the one. Yeah.
You think you're going to be the one that dies on a roller coaster? Maybe. Are you scared of planes? No.
Because you guys took a boat to get over here. I feel like you're...
What are you scared of other than roller coasters? Just that. I just don't like the G-Force.
But your father and your mother wouldn't go on the other ones. Oh, it's a family thing.
You know that, right? Yeah. Yeah.
You don't like the Gs. You don't like to be pushed back in your seat? Does it make you...
Well, they don't have that in the Philippines. You don't have roller coasters.
Yeah, we're not used to it. They're not used to it.
Life is a roller coaster in the Philippines. I know.
Their whole life is... Yeah, getting through the day is tough.
Yeah. They don't have fairs in the Philippines.
You don't have rollercoaster. Yeah, we're not used to it.
They're not used to it. Life is a rollercoaster in the Philippines.
I know. Their whole life is, yeah.
Yeah, getting through the day is tough. Yeah.
They don't have fairs in the Philippines? Do they not have like a summer fair? Just a few. Just like a Ferris wheel.
Have you done a Ferris wheel? Yeah, that's okay. I'm okay with that.
What about the one where you stick to the wall? That's the G-Force one. What's that called? I know that one.
You know where it squips around so fast? I love that one. What's that called? Do you know what I'm talking about? You don't know what this is? You're in like a circular room.
Yeah. And it just starts going.
Yeah. And you get sucked against the wall.
Oh, I love that. And sometimes you see people vomit and it splashes right back in their face.
Yeah. It happens a lot, actually.
Yeah, yeah. I love it.
I love it. There's the guy next to him.
And then you see the funny guy, like the jackass guy, like the kid. He stands up.
He tries to stand up on it.

The carnival riding it.

The Gravitron.

The Gravitron.

Gravitron.

There's people that will stand up when the Gravitron.

That's what I'm saying.

You always see guys trying to do that.

How to ride it like a pro.

Watch this guy.

Watch this guy.

Okay, there's all the G-Force.

See, they're on the wall.

Look at this dude.

He's standing up.

Oh, my God.

Oh, they're moving.

He loves it.

He doesn't care at all.

Oh, there's another guy doing it.

I was never that guy.

Yeah.

This was me right here. Yeah, that's me.
Just arms up, panic the whole time. Yeah.
And look at the carnival ride guy in the middle here. Look at this freak.
I love this dude. I think it's a cool life to be able to just move towns.
They call them carnies. That's basically what comics are.
We're carnies. Yeah, I think I would do that.
I would do it.

What, you just travel around and have fun?

Yeah, man.

I eat fried Twinkies.

Fried Oreos for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

And I get to look at the girls.

Look at the girls.

They never get to fuck them, though.

No, of course not.

No.

They never get to fuck them.

What about the people that work in the freak show?

Maybe they're fun to party with.

Oh, dude, that's Barnum and Bailey. Barnum and Bailey and bailey dude that's i think i did that in a previous life you were a barnum bailey no i was the show i wasn't part of that show oh you were like part of the freak show yeah yeah what was your freak no no legs yeah right you were a fin arm stumpy fin arms hairy face stumpy fin arm hairy would sit there in a cage, right? Yeah.
And people would pay a dollar just to walk in. 50 cents.
75? 75, 75. 75 cents, right? And they just, they would go like this.
They would look at me. Step right up! Yeah, they would walk in.
There it is. They wouldn't say he.
There it is. And they would look right at me.
Yeah. And they would go.
And spit right in my face. Everyone.
Lugie, right? And I would eat them out of the air. Oh, you'd catch the loogies? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Whoa. And no one ever taught me how to speak.
Oh, you didn't? That's how I'd say. But would spit in your mouth? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You would just catch them? I think that I was, yeah. I think the scariest movie I've ever seen, by far, because I was a kid when I saw it, was David Lynch's The Elephant Man.
Oh, my God. Bro.
Oh, my God. Bro.
Image burned into my brain. Burned into my brain.
Dude. Well, how did he sound? I mean this.
We have to this. We have to play the elephant man.
You all sleep for a week. Do you know what the elephant man is? I'm not an animal.
The elephant man. I'm a human being.
There he is. I'm not an animal.
I'm a human being. Yeah, I'm not an animal.
This is the scene, right? Yeah, this is the scene. Rudy, do you know what elephant man is? No.
It's a real guy by the name of John Merrick. That's right.
He really existed. He had elephantiasis of the face.
But back in London or whatever, right? Yeah. He was a circus sideshow guy but was whipped and treated poorly.
I mean they basically – they beat him into being – they like enslaved him. John Hurt played him.
John Hurt? Yeah, the actor. John Hurt.
Oh, Hurt. I was like, not John Hurd.

Hurt.

Yeah, John Hurt.

John Hurd had passed away.

Good actor, by the way.

Great guy.

So is John Hurt.

Stop that man.

Stop him now.

Did he just go golfing?

Is that a golf club?

What is that?

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, no.

No, no. Oh, no.
Looks like Tony Hinchcliffe. Now they want to follow him.
He's just trying to go get the train. Let's go follow him.
Let's go check it out. He's just trying to go to the barber shop.
He's just trying to get a trim. Yeah, he wants to get a faux hawk.
Oh, no, the cage. Oh, no, the cage.
I am not an animal. I am not an animal.
I'm not an animal. I am a human being.
Oh. How heartbreaking.
What do you think, Rudy? It's sad. It is.
They treated you bad because you look different. You know what's so funny? It's not okay.
20 years ago, right? Yeah. 20 years ago, I was watching this going, chop his hat up.
You know, back then. You have a mob mentality.
Get the bat, you know what I mean? Get him. Yeah, get him.
You're an animal, you know what I mean? Whatever. Right.
And now when I just saw that, dude, I got fucking emotional, bro. Right.
That's so sad what people used to do. Doesn't that tell you something about what's going on? I've changed the thing.
Doesn't that tell you something about what's going on now? I think what's going on now is helpful. Some of the things that, you know, the social, you know.
The social mob? I think some of it has, you know. Some of it.
Some of it. Some of it's a little too far.
Some of it's insane. Right? But it's like that really, because as a kid, I was just like, get him, you know? Yeah.
Even when he said that, fuck you, you fucking freak, you know? And just jab the fucking in his eyes, you know what I mean? Kill him. The boiled slats, you know what I mean? Whatever, you know? Yeah, yeah.
But now it's like, I want to go, come here, my big-headed friend. Help him out.
And hold him. Not too close.
No, not too close. Put his head to the side.
Yeah. But I was like, you want to be my roommate? Right? And have him come in.
They really ridiculed him just because of the way he looked. This is how people treat people.
You see that, Rudy? What does that teach you? Be nice just because people look different. In the Philippines, do they have things like that? Yeah.
Oh, dude. I feel like the Philippines has probably...
What have you seen there? Faces that are burned like full or half. Oh, my God.
That's crazy. Wait, why do they get burned? They burn? Because of fire.
There's a lot of fire accidents that happen there. Why are there many fire accidents in the philippines um like the gasoline it's not um how do you say it it's not um hot no is that really hot no the gasoline is just um you just buy a gasoline the the tank yeah and then some people just leave it on.

Oh, so they...

Well, I don't know

what you mean.

I know what they mean.

Yeah.

They buy the tank

of gasoline.

Yeah.

They light it on fire

and they go to sleep.

And they just leave it.

In their house?

In their house.

Right next to you,

as a pillow.

Is that a normal thing

to just be like,

I left the gasoline on

to light it

and walk away?

No, they don't light it.

Do you mean propane? Yeah. Oh, propane.
Not gasoline. Propane gas.
So they have propane accidents. Propane.
So it's a tank. Yeah.
And what's it connected to? Like stoves? Stoves. You're right.
Yeah. So blows up a lot? Yeah.
Wow. And then they, oh my God.
Have you ever had a close friend have a propane accident? No. Nobody you know? Nobody I know.
Oh, just you see people, though. And are people mean to them in the streets? They do? They do? Yeah.
What do they say to them? What's something that they would say? Like, ugly or... They say it out loud? They just yell ugly? Yeah.
Wow. Oh, my God.
Yeah. Society.
That's gonna change. That's bad.
It's real bad. They just yell ugly? Yeah, and they make fun of them, like push them around.
What? Really? What? They fucking shoulder check them? Yeah. What fucking assholes? They hockey check? They hockey check.
Yeah. They tackle them? Is that normal? Yeah.
Is that normal to do? Do people not say anything when someone's mean to somebody who has a burn? Is there a nickname? Do they call them something? Yeah. Bernies? No, I don't.
I've never heard of nicknames. They're mean to people in the streets like that.
Yeah. God, that's so sad.
That's so sad. That's so sad that you would just do that to someone.
Probably cruel. Like for Halloween, right, they know a guy that was in a fire.
Right. So then you dress up as an egg.
Right. And you just kind of stand next to him.
Yeah. Bacon! you know what I mean this is fucking fucked up shit right? fucked up shit that's funny though yeah but hey guys that's not me being mean it was just a hypothetical thing okay? stop don't Instagram nothing last week was our first playoff game and my plaque psoriasis was so itchy under all my gear sometimes Sometimes just thinking about scratching could take me out of the moment.
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Okay, so Rudy wants to take acting classes. Yeah, baby.
And we want to get her into the biz. Well, yeah, I think that she has

the bug right now.

She's got the potential for sure to be

a great actor because I wish...

How old were you when you first started?

I was 30.

Yeah, like I didn't get a job until

I was

27 or 8 or something.

If I started at 18, that would have been like...

I would have been the next

Leo. Do you think so?

Yeah, man. Do you think you would have been Leo? The next Leo, yeah.
Titanic 2, right? The boat comes back? No. The whole movie is underwater, baby.
Oh, that's tight. Yeah, I'm still living down there, baby.
Aquaman stuff. Yeah, I do.
So you're living and breathing? I'm still, you know what I mean? You're Jesus? No, I'm in the front of the boat. You know what I mean? I'm the king of the world.
I'm the king of the world. I'm the king of the underworld.
Underwater world. Water world.
And then Kevin Costner's going to be there. He'll be there, too.
He'll be there. Yeah, yeah.
And then Jason Momoa. Was he in Underwater World? Well, he's the Aquaman.
Oh, yeah. That's good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's hot.
And then you know who else is gonna be in my movie? Who else? I'm gonna have Nemo. The fish? Yeah.
Nice. Nemo, Spongebob.
Okay, okay. It's great.
Who else? Titanic 2, right? Titanic 2. Who else is gonna be there is Nemo, Spongebob, Bobby Lee.
Bobby Lee.

Well, do you get billed higher than those guys, or does Spongebob get top billing?

Spongebob goes first.

So, featuring Spongebob.

Well, it's three headlines.

Oh, it goes...

Spongebob, right?

Spongebob, Nemo, Bobby Lee, right?

And also featuring...

Featuring Kevin Costner.

Kevin Costner.

Yeah, I mean, as...

Jason Momoa.

Jason Momoa, right? The Little Mermaid, the priest from The Little Mermaid who gets a boner. Yeah.
And Sebastian the Crab. Yeah.
And then, and a special, special appearance. Super special appearance.
John F. Kennedy Jr.
And Jimmy Hoffa. And Jimmy Hoffa.
Because they're both at the bottom of the ocean, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah at last. In Titanic 2.
And what's the subtitle? Fun Water World. Funder Water.
Funder Water. That's it.
Funder Water. Funder Water.
Funder Water. I love it.
Did she get a role in the movie? No. No.
Well, she has to practice. Well, she auditioned five times.
She didn't get it. We screen tested her.
Oh, you did? Yeah. What did the audience think? Well, they couldn't understand what she was saying.
Yeah. What does the little brown girl say again? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I can't understand a word she's saying. Is that Dora? Is that Dora the Explorer? Now, listen, I like Mexican stuff.
Yeah, yeah. Like their food and their music, but I just don't like her as an actress.
I get it. It's like an underwater apocalypto.
I get it. Right, right.
There's a Mayan temple. She's fucking killing lamb.
But how did the Mexicans get in? Now, did they swim under the wall underwater? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a scene for you I'd like you to read.
A very famous movie called On the Waterfront. Do you know what that is? No.
You've never heard of it in your life? No. Okay.
Bobby's gonna play opposite of you. Okay? So we're gonna see your acting skills.
I my lines. Do I have lines? We're going to put them up.
Okay, good. But I want to see your acting ability.
Okay? And I want you to take this. No.
No, no, no. Rudy, take this serious.
Don't do that. No laughing.
Don't do that. Please take it serious.
Okay. Say, I'll take it serious.
I'll take it serious. Hell yeah.
And you don't, is it a scene from a movie? It's from On the Waterfront. Oh, wow.
We're doing three scenes, but the first one we're doing is from On the Waterfront. On the Waterfront.
Because everybody wants to know if you truly do have what it takes to make this. I'm also scared because I've never seen the movie.
You've never seen it? No. Brando's in it, right? This is going to be good.
Brando's in it, right? All right, so look. Am I playing? You've literally never seen this movie one time? No.
Do you have any reference to what it's about? I think it's by a – let me just guess. Let's have a guess.
It's the docks. It's about – what do you mean? Oh, about the docks, the water docks? Yeah? Yeah.
Yeah. It's not really in the middle of the ocean, the movie.
I just remember it being in the docks, you know, Brando's in it, and it's kind of black and white. Yeah.
And it's dreary. Okay.

Is it dreary?

Yeah.

Okay, good.

Dreary's good.

Good.

So here's the deal.

I'm going to read the action.

Yeah, who am I playing?

You're going to be Charlie

and you're going to be Terry.

Okay?

Rude?

Okay.

And I want you to take it serious.

Do you need to take a beat?

Do you need to step outside?

No, it's fine.

That's what they say in rooms.

Do you want to step outside?

Okay. Charlie continues looking at him.
He does not deny it. They stare at each other for a moment, then suddenly Terry starts out of the cab.
Charlie pulls a pistol. Terry's motionless, now looking at Charlie.
Take the boss landing, kid. For God's sakes, I don't want to hurt you.
Hush gently, guiding the gun down toward Charlie lap. Charlie.
Charlie. Wow.
I wish I didn't have to do this, Terry. Terry eyes him, beaten.
Charlie leans back and looks at Terry. Strangely, Terry raises his hand above his head, somewhat in the manner of a prizefighter admitting the crowd.
The image nicks Charlie's memory. Wow.
What do you weigh these days, slugger? 8-7-88 What's it to you? Gee, when you tipped 175, you were beautiful. You should have been another Billy Khan.
What's that skunk I got to manage you brought you along too fast? It wasn't him. It was you, Charlie.
You and Johnny. Like the night the two of you come into the dressing room and say, Kid, this ain't your night.
We're going for the prize on Wilson. It ain't my night.
I've taken Wilson apart that night. I was ready.
Remember the early rounds? Throwing them combinations. So what happens?

This bomb person, he gets

the title shot. Outdoors

in the ballpark. And what do I get?

A couple of bucks and a one-way ticket to

Palook...

Palookaville! Palookaville!

It was you, Charlie.

You was my brother.

You should have looked out for me instead of making me take them dives for the short-end money. I always had a bet down for you.
You saw some money. See? You don't understand.
I try to keep you in good with Johnny. You don't understand.
I could have been a contender. I could have had class and been somebody.
Real class. Instead of a bum.
Let's face it, which is what I am. It was you, Charlie.
Wow. Oh, my God.
I might need to go home. Oh, my God.
I might need to go home. Is there an Oscar here? Well, we have an Andres.
Oh, yeah, we have an Andres. Oh, you meant the statue.
I thought you meant just a Latino person. That was incredible.
Moving. Rooting.
Yeah. Combination.
I mean, you know, when people read that on the script, right? Yeah. You know, as a regular actor or whatever, just an average actor, I would have read a combination.
You read doing those one-two combinations. But, you know, the great actors, they take a word and they make it their own.
Like a balloon animal. Right, right, like a balloon.
Look at that. It turns into something.
And, you know, normally people would go, you know, how should I say this? Right? Combination, right? But, and they process it. She didn't process it.
That's how fast it happened. Instantaneous.
Homination. Homination.
Yeah, yeah. Wow.
Oh, my God. Rudy Jules.
Holy shit. Bueno, bueno, bueno.
That's incredible. That's incredible.
You're going to be a superstar. Yeah, yeah.
Next scene. Okay, you and I, Bob, are going to read a scene.
Yeah, yeah. I want you and I to read a scene and it's from, it's a great scene from Step Brothers, which I really love.
I haven't seen it. They were at the Doughback House at night.
Dale and Brennan are laying in separate beds to each other. You can pick whoever you want.
I'll start with Dale then. Okay, go ahead.
Yeah. No, Dale has a lot of lines.
I'll be Brendan. And remember this.
I'll be Brendan. We're laying in separate beds in the middle of the night.
I'll be Brendan. And this is more for me than it is for anything.
Go ahead. I'll be Brendan.
Okay. Go ahead.
Hey. You awake? Yeah.
I just want you to know I hate you. And so does my dad.
Well, that's fine. Because guess what? I hate you, too.
And this house sucks ass. Well, the only reason you're living here is because me and my dad decided that your mom was really hot.
And maybe we should both just bang her. And we'll put up with the retard in the meantime.
Who's the retard? You. Hey, you don't say that.
Shut up.

Shut up. You'll wake up my dad and get me grounded.
Just shut up. You and your mom are hillbillies.
This is a house of learned doctors. You're not a doctor, and you're a big, fat, girly-headed fuck.
Oh, yeah? Yeah. I'm a girly-headed fuck? Yeah, and you better not go to sleep.
As soon as your eyes shut, I'm going to punch you square in the face.

I hope you stay still when you sleep, because I'm putting a rat trap between your legs.

I'm going to take a pillowcase and fill it with bats, bars of soap, and beat the shit out of you.

I want you out of my fucking house. No way, Zimbozabazi.

This is my house now.

Kimosavi?

Oh, I couldn't read it.

Zimbozabazi? Dude, I couldn't read it. Because my eyes...
Dude, I can't read. My eyes...
I need glasses. That's good.
Yeah, yeah. Pretty good? I like that scene.
Yeah, pretty good. I like that scene.
Jules now, though. Yeah, we have one more with Jules.
Yeah. That was really for me and you.
There's another scene. Another? This is The Big Lebowski.
This one is... This is great.
This is awesome. So I want...
I'm gonna be... Okay.
Yeah, you do the lines now. I already did it.
So I'm going to do it with Rudy? Yeah. But I want you to be Smokey.
Smokey's going to come up at the end of this scene. Okay.
And it's two lines. All right.
So... She should play the dude.
She should play Walter. No, because I want her to get intense.
I want to feel her. Because we saw the intensity.
Oh, no, you're right. We saw intensity on the waterfront.
Should we see her play the dude? A stoner? Stoner or intense? Yeah, so the dude is a stoner. You know who a stoner is? He smokes a lot of weed.
A man in his probably mid-40s. Late.
Late 40s. Yeah, who lives in Los Angeles and can't get his life together.
He goes to the grocery grocery store wears a bathrobe you know with sunglasses this is you yeah yeah yeah you're playing me this is you and the other guys of Vietnam yeah he's like hey dude I can't do that you're gonna fucking do it I think you're gonna do it I think you're gonna do it you're gonna do it alright so you're playing the dude you're a pothead and I'm gonna be Walter and depending on how it goes we can swap we can switch it around yeah yeah yeah alright you ready ready I'll do stage stage director're going to do it. Alright, so you're playing the dude, you're a pothead, and I'm going to be Walter.
And depending on how it goes, we can swap. We can switch it around.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alright, you ready? Ready? I'll do stage directions.
Alright, do stage directions. He lets a small yapping dog out of the carrier.
It scoots around the bowling table, sniffing at bowlers and wagging its tail. Hey, man.
If my fucking ex-wife asked me to take care of her fucking dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu, I'd tell her to go fuck herself.

Why can't she board it?

First of all, dude, you don't have an ex.

Secondly, it's a fucking show dog with papers.

You can't board it.

It gets upset.

Its hair falls out.

Hey, man.

Fucking dog has papers, dude.

Over the line.

Smokey, huh?

That's you.

That's you.

Your stage direction.

Oh, yeah.

Smokey turns. Let's start it again.
Let's try it again. Yeah, yeah.
And let me say something. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We's you, your stage direction. Oh, yeah, Smokey turns.

Let's start it again.

Let's try it again.

Yeah, yeah.

And let me say something.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We're going to give you a no.

I think you're rushing through the line.

More weed.

More weed.

You're high.

Hey, man.

Let it settle in.

Hey, man.

If you fuck it, it's like I'm out.

You know what I mean?

Nice and slow.

You don't have to rush through it.

It's not a fucking contest.

This isn't anime.

This isn't anime.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There is no rapid This isn't anime.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

There is no rapid scenes of shooting lights. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, you ready? Okay. Okay, really stoned.
You're stoned. Keep your eyes low, too.
Yeah, there it is. Perfect.
Okay, go ahead. Go ahead.
Oh, he lets a small yapping dog out of the carrier. It scoots around the bowling table, sniffing at boulders and wagging its tail.
Hey, man. Come on.
Stop. Do the line again.
Ready? One, two, action. Hey, man.
If my fucking ex-wife asked me to take care of her fucking dog, will she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu? Stop, stop, stop. It's way too fast.
Slow. No, you read the line first.

No, no, the first line was perfect.

Yeah.

You keep that and that, right?

And that's what you keep, okay?

You want me to do a reading for you?

Yeah, yeah.

Listen to how this sounds.

Okay.

Hey, man, if my fucking ex-wife

asked me to take care of her fucking dog

while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu,

I'd tell her to go fuck herself.

Why can't she board it?

Thank you. If my fucking ex-wife asked me to take care of her fucking dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu, I'd tell her to go fuck herself.
Why can't she board it? See what I mean? Nice and slower and smooth. Right.
And action. Hey, man.
If my fucking ex-wife asked me to take care of her fucking dog while she and her boyfriend went to Honolulu. I tell her to fuck herself.

Why can't she board it?

First of all, dude, you don't have an ex.

Secondly, it's a fucking show dog with fucking papers.

You can't board it.

It gets upset.

Its hair falls out.

Hey, man.

Fucking dog has papers, dude.

Over the line!

Smokey turns from his last row to look at Walter.

It's you.

Smokey.

Huh? You again. Over the Walter.
Smokey. Huh?

You again.

Over the line, Smokey.

I'm sorry.

That's a foul.

That's you.

That's you.

You're Smokey.

Bullshit.

Hey, dude.

Excuse me.

Market zero.

Next frame.

Bullshit.

Walter.

This is not nom.

This is bowling.

There are rules.

Come on, Walter.

It's just... It's Smokey.

So it's toe slip over a little.

It's just a game.

This is a league game.

This determines who enters the next round.

Robin, am I wrong?

Yeah, but.

Am I wrong?

Yeah, but I wasn't over.

Give me the marker, dude.

I'm marking it on eight.

Smokey, my friend, you're entering a world of pain.

Hey, Walter.

Mark that frame eight, dude.

You're entering a world of pain.

I'm not. A world of pain.
Look, dude, I don't hold with this. This guy is your partner.
You should. Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one here who gives a shit about the rules? Mark it zero.
Very good. Very good.
I think. They might do remakes one day.
I think you have a future in the biz.

But if there's anybody out there listening, if you guys are acting coaches with any acclaim, how about give her some free acting lessons?

Are you in?

But I honestly think that she should take some sort of improv class to get –

Like a UCB or something?

Something like that.

Like I have a friend named Colton Dunn or something like that.

Yeah, he's very funny.

Yeah, but he's an actor now.

He's a big guy.

He's on Superstore.

but um he's an actor

and a very funny

uh

imp

he's an actor

he's an actor

he's an actor

he's an actor

he's an actor

he's an actor

he's an actor

he's an actor

he's an actor

he's an actor

he's an actor

he's an actor

he's an actor

he's an actor

he's an actor

he's an actor

he's an actor

he's an actor

he's an actor

he's an actor now. He's a big guy.
He's on Superstore. He's an actor and a very funny improv comedian.
Well, he was a writer at MADtv for years. Was he a stand-up at some point too? No.
No, but he also taught at UCB. He's a really talented guy.
I would like somebody like that to teach a class and have her enter it so that she can – because she's shy. Yeah.
So it will get her out of herself. But she's broken open on this show.
I think she has. You know? Colton's probably got the best job on Superstore.
He's paralyzed, so he just has to sit in a chair all day. There's no standing at all.
What a great gig. It's a great gig.
I want to be paralyzed in my next role. I want to be in a coma.
That's what Eric Griffin says all the time. Really? He says his next show he wants to be a mental detective who gives clues to people from a coma.
So they just walk up to him and touch his chest and it transfers information to them. So they know what happened.
How about this? Better yet. I'm a character that died.
Yeah. I'm in a casket for all five seasons.
Yeah. Right? And eventually, like, my character gets so popular that I eventually go, yeah, just put a dummy in there.
You have a double for your casket? Yeah, yeah. Because he doesn't move anyway.
I don't want to wake up. Like, you know, I love Star Trek Next Generation.
Here's what they do. They cut to you, and it's just your voiceover, so you just have to record from home.
That's right. So it's just you speaking through your telepathy.
Yeah. That's genius.
That's genius. And you do it like, you know, once a week.
Yep. You wake up.
You just do it. You don't even give a fuck.
Scan through it. Yeah, you scan through it.
You're in bed still. You do it on your iPhone.
Fucking 50 grand. How great would that be? I mean, that's kind of like what's his name? Wheel of Fortune.
What's his name? Why can't I think of his name? Pat Sajak. You know they record for like four months and then he just disappears? So four months he works like every day.
And then for the rest of the year, he literally just goes on vacation. Four months, that's it.
You're like, boop, done. I'm done.
I have a question for you. Yeah.
Because you know who Eric Olsen is? I don't know. He's on NCIS Los Angeles.
But he was also, you know, he played Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber. Yes.
I know who he is. So he's a great guy.
Him and Matt Damon, right? Matt Damon? Was he the other guy in Dumb and Dumber? No, not Dumb and Dumber. They were stuck to you.
That was Matt Damon's. Yeah, but I don't think it was Eric Olsen.
I don't really know. You don't know what you're saying? Yeah, I have no idea what I'm talking about.
Yeah, but Eric Olsen... Okay.
Fine. Why would you add that? My brain isn't working.
Well, I was like... So Eric Olsen, I was doing NCIS, and you know, he was saying that he was doing Community.
He was on Community, guest starring. Oh, yeah.
And he was doing a scene with Chevy Chase. He pissed Chevy Chase off.
Dude, I've heard he gets so mad. And Chevy Chase grabbed him by the neck and, like, tried to pull him off, you know what I mean? Like up the wall? Yeah, yeah.
If you, if an actor like Chevy Chase hit you in the face or strangled you on set, what would you do? Fight back as hard as I could. I beat the the shit out of Chevy Chase.
On set? I'd kill him. No, you wouldn't.
If he put his hands on me, I'd hurt him immediately. I wouldn't even think twice.
I don't give a shit. But you have the director.
Everyone's laying around. I don't care.
Really? If he put his hands on me, I'd punch him in the fucking head. Okay, what if it was...
I'd put Chevy Chase in a coma. What if it was a...
Let's say you're doing a movie okay the biggest movie of your life you're doing a movie with the batman i'm the new robert pattinson got covid and they wanted me and i'm the batman no you're more like the robin you're the robin i get it okay you're right right the robin right yeah and they get um scorsese to direct it okay okay and you're you know who's the nemesis? Bane. They get Tom Hardy to redo his in Bane.
It's going to be hard to not want to make out with him when I see him in scenes. Right.
So you're doing a scene and it's a scene where Bane is grabbing Robin by the neck and pulling up, right? Same. So he's doing it, right? You're in the scene.
Scorsese goes, cut!

But you're still up there.

Yeah.

And he squeezes harder and harder and harder

because he's so into the character, right?

You can't breathe at this point.

Yeah, I'm dying.

You're dying almost.

Turning blue.

And you're like, stop, stop, man.

Scene's over, right?

I'm like, stop.

I don't know how he sounds.

He goes, I've got to complete this. Yeah, so what would you do? Honestly, I think Tom Hardy's very attractive, so I'd probably let him kill me.
No, really, but what would you do? Yeah. I would take it.
You suck his dick. I'd flip myself upside down and be 69 each other.
Would you suck Tom Hardy? No, what would I do if Tom Hardy... Would you suck Tom Hardy? Yeah, no.
No, no. No, no.
No, no. Would you suck you suck his ass? No.
What would I do if you were choking me up against the wall? Honestly? For me? Yeah. No.
Absolutely. Yeah.
No way. No, but if I was at a party though? Yeah.
No, I'm being real. You would.
If I was using... If I was using...
I wasn't sober. I'm still smoking weed.
I'm drunk. Right? Yeah.
No, I'm being real. You would.
If I was using, if I was using, let's okay, let's say I wasn't sober. I'm still smoking weed.
I'm drunk, right? Yeah. And I'm at a party and I see fucking Keanu's there.
Keanu's there. Yeah.
Charlize Theron's there. Everyone's there.
They're all doing coke. They're all doing it.
Everyone's doing it, right? What's up, Bob? Right, everyone's doing it. And Tom is like, what's up? Hello, Mike.
I'm like, what's up, man? I love Big Fan. You know, come over here.

Do some cocaine or whatever.

Hey, Bobby, you want to come over and do cocaine?

Yeah, so I do cocaine.

He's sober, too, but let's see.

He relapsed.

And then he's just like, all right, here's a straw. And as I grabbed the straw, right, as I grabbed the straw, I realized it's his penis.

Right?

It's his penis, right?

Yeah.

And at this point,

what do I do?

I go,

your normal guy would go,

hey man,

that's a good trick,

that's your dick, man.

Come on!

Yeah, not me.

I would probably,

you know,

it's ad information, right?

It's always a yes and.

It's a yes and, right?

I can't deny it.

Right.

So I would go,

ha ha ha.

And I would suck it.

I would suck it so hard. And he's like, dude, it was just a joke, right? Me too.
Me too, yeah. Just kidding around.
You know how funny it would be if Tom Hardy put his penis there? And I would just nuzzle it with my nose. Oh, you would Eskimo kiss it? I would Eskimo kiss it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Flick is nuts.
Yeah. No, if Tom Hardy, if someone was in a scene doing that, because I've seen that kind of stuff.
I thought, this is really weird you say that, because I literally thought of that before we came today, because I was watching some of these scenes while I was getting some of these scripts. And there's a scene where Finkel is Einhorn.
Einhorn is Finkel from Ace Ventura, where he proves that she's a man. Oh, yeah, yeah.
And he goes, would a man have these? And he exposes her breasts. And he goes, but what about this? He also pulls on her hair so fucking hard.
He's like, it's a wig. Dude, when you see it, I have to bring it up.
When you see how hard he pulls, like you're talking about, because you know sometimes when you're acting with somebody somebody, like I've gotten, I've had to do like fight scenes and stuff like that. Yeah.
You, it sucks. I did that to Daniel Gaither.
What did you do? So we were doing a war, you know the movie Warriors? Yeah. We were doing a Warriors scene.
I'm listening. I'm just going to bring this up.
And I had a scene where I was playing a character that I do called the Blind Kung Fu Master. Yeah.
I do a character called the blind Kung Fu Master. Yeah.
And I'm like, and this is not your real hair. Right? And I grab her head, right? And I think it's her real hair.
It's not a wig. It is a wig.
You've got her real hair underneath. I think it's her real hair.
But when I grab it, I realize, oh, it's her – a wig. I think it would be funny if I just pull it off.
Oh, no. Right? In front of an audience.
Right? But the wig is attached to – Your real hair. Bob hair.
She put a bunch of bobby pins. That's how they attach wigs.
Right? Yeah. And as I pull it, clumps of her hair come out, and I can see a bald spot with blood.
And she's like, what the fuck are you doing, man? And she's like freaking the fuck out. And I was like, oh, my God.
It hurts so much. Oh, my God.
I did that for real life. I've had people pull on it.
I've had people pull on a wig when I'm dying up here. I had people pull on it.
They sew it into your hair and they glue it to your face. They do, yeah.
It rips.

It hurts so much.

Yeah.

So look at this scene.

That's funny.

Look at this scene.

You can't tell me that this isn't, that this didn't hurt.

There's no way that this didn't hurt because it looks too real.

Oh, here.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Let's just see who's lying, shall we?

Would a real woman have to wear one of these? Ah! Oh, dude. Boy, that's really on there.
There's no way that didn't hurt her head. Especially when he puts his other hand on it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. These? That? Ow! That, that, yeah, yeah.
That? that but you know what you know what she could

have bro she could have like they could have rehearsed that that looks pretty good yeah she

could have got i'm just gonna go back wait but don't really pull it uh you this is either good

camera work or great acting because i have to wear one of these oh that's for that's pretty hard yeah

yeah i don't know that looks like by the way tone look one of the greatest underrated actors one of

One of the things that I've ever seen yeah. That looks like it.
Yeah. I don't know.
That looks like, by the way, Tone Loke, one of the greatest. Underrated actors of our generation.
One of the greatest, not only actors, but musicians and also personalities. Yeah.
I forgot he was in this until I rewatched it. Look how skinny he is.
I mean, he was a tiny guy when he did this. And Courtney Cox, super young.
I forgot how many people were in this movie. Dude, that movie.
This movie? Ace Ventura was. Changed me i remember going to the theater watching it me too it changed me this is what you know he's it changed undeniably why i became a comedian yeah yeah and then you became friends with him uh he was my boss i wouldn't say friends i'd say he's my boss he was a great boss but honestly him him this whole movie talking out of your butthole I mean I remember laughing so hard it hurt

my body hurt

but I think

Dumb and Dumber

steal the deal from me

oh it's the better

of the movies

yes it's the best

it was so funny

because it's joke

joke per minute

it's just like

ba da ba ba ba ba ba

it's constant

so many jokes yeah

but this had a lot

you know the scene

in the

the scene in the

the scene

where he's like

put me in coach

you know where he's got

he's trying to check

into the crazy house

right right right

that was phenomenal

the guano scene

with the bat shit

I wouldn't have... The scene where he's like, put me in, coach.
You know, where he's trying to check into the crazy house. Right, right, right.

I mean, that was phenomenal.

The guano scene with the bat shit.

I want to ask you this.

Everyone loves a slinky.

I mean.

I've always wanted to ask you this.

Yeah.

What's your top five movies?

And I know I hate top ten lists.

Sure.

They do it on the internet.

But I don't know that about you.

Comedy?

Because when you said that, what album did you say you liked?

OK Computer.

OK Computer.

It freaked me.

That freaked me out.

Why?

Because you just didn't think I would like radio.

Because I just think that you're more of a creedy kind of –

Oh, shut up.

Now you're baiting.

No, I'm not being – I just think that you like Korn or Creed, that type of guy.

First of all, those two things have nothing to do – Korn and Creed are not even like

No, but either one.

You know what I mean? Not being real. But you know how much I love – first of all, two things have nothing to do Corn and Creed are not even either one you know what I mean not being real but you know how much I love first of all you know how much I love hip hop that's crazy to me I loved it I like it's crazy I used to rap when I was young that's crazy top five movies Across the Board you looked at me I'm a guy comedy anything no anything I'm a guy.
Comedy anything? No, anything. I'm a guy.

I'm an alien.

Yeah.

Right?

Hello.

Hi.

I would like you.

I've heard this. Are you Stephen Hawking or are you an alien?

I'm Stephen Hawking.

What is your favorite movie?

So I don't know what film is.

Tell me.

I don't have a lot of time.

Okay.

I have only three days here, and I want to watch five movies. Give me the five movies that would best represent cinema.
Cinema. Or just movies in general.
God. Casino.
The Princess Bride. Oh, great.
Big. Wow.
I'm doing another Tom Hanks. Oh, my God.
There's like three. Everything he's ever done.
I think Catch Me If You Can is one of the greatest movies of all time great story but it's based on something real yeah and I gotta give you some history I can't if I'm gonna you gotta have to do something like do another Tom Hanks Saving Power Island yeah I was gonna go I would go with... Platoon?

Wait, I said big?

I said big?

You want me to give you more films?

No, no, no.

I said big.

Schindler's List, maybe?

That's the one.

Schindler's?

He's in that, right?

He's Schindler?

No.

Tom Hanks is not Schindler.

No, no, no, he's not Schindler.

No, Forrest Gump.

I mean, dude, he's made...

Oh, God.

No, but getting away from that, seriously, seriously. Based on Princess Bride Big Bronx Tale wow and there's so many movies it's hard to like recategorize and then probably I would say Star Wars.
And that's not because I'm a big Star Wars fan. That's because what it did to movies.
It's cultural. It changed the world.
It was a cultural phenomenon. It changed, but it still does.
You're like, you are a Creed, Korn guy. Why? He's a star.
I listed great films. You're a Creed and Korn guy and I'm trying to be kind to you.
I love you. First of all, I don't like any of those bands.
I don't like either of those bands. They're interesting choices.
And you can't compare music to movies. You're right.
Okay, here you go. I just came down from space.
What are your five favorite films that would depict cinema? I don't have a lot of time here on Earth. Debbie Does Dallas.
Debbie Does Dallas. Yeah.
Okay, What else? Probably something off of Pornhub.

No.

Is it my top five?

I don't have much time.

All right.

So I would have to go – I would probably do a Western.

So I would probably do –

Blazing Saddles?

No.

Sergio Leone's The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

Great movie.

It's a great movie.

Yeah, it's a great movie.

It just shows you that era.

I don't have much time. Okay.
Number two, I would have to do, go, a Curacao film for sure. Okay.
Don't roll your eyes. That's so fucking dumb that you just did that.
Recommend me a Dave Eggers book, too. He's an alien.
He's an alien. He wants to know about the world.
You're going to suggest Infinite Jest to me next as a book? Whoa, dude. I'll rip your fucking...
You're a basic bitch. Fuck you.
You're basic. You're basic.
What Korn album do you like? I don't know Korn. I don't know Korn.
All right, go ahead. Go ahead.
A Curacao film. Can I do my fucking thing? Yes.
Sorry. Yeah, yes.
I would probably do Ron. Ron? Yeah, it's a Curacao film.
Funches? Yeah. No, Ron.
It's called Ron, R-A-N, and it's a colored movie. So I think – Don't have much time.
Okay, number three, I would go – I would have to do – It's hard, see? Apocalypse Now. Okay.
It's a war movie. I haven't done a war movie yet.
I know. You're right.
It's a war movie. I did need one in there.
Yeah, it's also – it's got some fantasy in it too a little bit. Mm-hmm.
You know? Yeah, I like it. Okay, that's four.
Yeah, that's three. Oh, what? Yeah.
Kurosawa. Kurosawa.
Good, Bad, and the Ugly. And also Apocalypse Now.
Apocalypse Now. Okay, number four would have to be – Our spaceship is warming up.
You know, I would do something – a comedy – you know, I would, you have to have a comedy in there. Yeah, I would probably do, this is going to sound so stupid, you're going to hate this.
Yeah. But it's because it's a little artsy.
I just really think it's funny and cute, but I would do The Royal Tenenbaums. Okay.
The Royal Tenenbaums.

That's not a traditional comedy to me, but it's good.

You would pick Big.

Big is unequivocally

one of the most fantasy

slash reality well-written

It doesn't make any sense.

Big?

A fortune teller machine turned him

into a fucking kid.

An adult. What the fuck is this? Perhaps it was a metaphor.
Do you think that deeply? Anyway, can I do my fifth? Yeah, please. You fucking asshole.
Big is a phenomenal movie. Front to back.
Upside down. Some of the most comedically hilarious scenes Tom Hanks has ever done.
Give me the ball, Baskin. He gets into a fist fight over a handball.
So funny. That movie is so good.

The piano scene in FAO Schwartz, like one of the most iconic scenes in film history.

That's an iconic scene in film?

Andres, who went to film school, is the FAO Schwartz scene from Big one of the most iconic scenes in film history?

It's a well-known scene.

There.

Not iconic.

It is iconic.

Okay, Andres, based on what?

Come in.

Andres, based on fucking, based on the movies we just suggested, Andreas, right? What would they teach in film school? Oh, that's not what we're going for. You just said, what are my five films that I suggest? No, no, no.
You brought up film school. Yeah, because he knows movies.
Did you not do film school? So he knows. Right.
I just want to – I'm curious. I'm curious.
Go ahead, Andreas. They're pretentious assholes in film school, first of all.
I know. I'm pretentious.
They are, aren't they, Andreas? They are. Yeah.
It's the worst. Andreas, though, in terms of film school.
Let him answer. He was just going to say something.
Kurosawa might be in there. Yeah.
Yeah. It would.
Honestly, Andreas, listen to me right now, okay? Of course Penny Marshall films aren't going to be in film school. Would Big be in film school? Would they even say the movie?

Probably not. No.
Thank you.

But you didn't say

what movies would be

in film school. I'm giving an alien

what I think is dope. Yeah.

Go ahead. The fifth one's going to drive you crazy.
Yeah, I know.

The Royal Tenenbaums, by the way?

You're a comedian, and you think that's

the comedy you'd give them? Yeah, because

it's... Ooh.
Okay. I would probably do Paris, Texas as my fifth.
Would they teach that in film school? Probably. Yeah.
Yeah, pretentious poo-poo crap. Good movies, good movies.
Anyway, Korn, what else do you want to— It's so funny that you pretend like you like high-end stuff, but you're the most low-end boogered person on earth. I really am.
And also, you yelled at me. You just yelled at me way louder than I ever yell at you.
About what? And you said last week... About what? Take a poll over who yells first.
Do you remember that? Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, we did.
Okay. Yeah, we did.
Twitter responded. Let's take a look at what this says, Bob.
Can you read that? Yeah. Rudy, why don't you tell me what this says? Just read that out loud.
The fans can see it. But go ahead and tell me what it says there, Rude.
Tita Bobby has 60. Hold on, hold on.
Sorry. There you go.
What does it say? Tita Bobby has 60.5% and Andrew has 39.5%. Wow.
The final results are in. Wow, that's betrayal.
2,200 votes. It's betrayal? No, no, no.
It's fact. You yell first.
It's betrayal from the audience. How? They just know.
They recognize. They don't know.
Yeah, no, they do you know they do know you know it really is sad it really is i think you've skewed this fucking this yeah i think the fans now i can see it you know i'm cracked open the not blind i'm not blind and i'm not dumb well i go on the internet and i read things one of two i read things one of two all right well then No, it's a blind. Because of my slanty eyes.
No, it's a dumb joke. You're dumb.
But I think that you've skewed the audience into your favor, and it's fine. And it was a little bit of a slanty eye joke.
Yeah, I know it was. No, it was not.
So I do raise my voice first. You always do.
You do, and you put it on me as if I do. And Andres is laughing.
I do a lot of things like that. you know reverse psychology i do a lot of that you're extremely manipulative i'm very manipulative and you're good yeah i'm like here's like you know what you can do you were late today again uh and that's okay and i don't mind it because i prep for it i know it's coming but if i'm late once who throws a fit yeah i know me.
Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad. Yeah, I'm a bad guy.
No, no, no. No, I mean, I do things.
But that, recognize that. If we had a tally board of who's late, I'd have one tally.
And you'd be a tally whacker. My neck hurts so bad right now.
Why? What happened? It's stressing me out. Oh, I'm sorry.
No, no stress. No stress.
That's fine. No, I'll have a stroke in front of you.
That'll be great.

I'll do a full-blown stroke in front of you. It's fine.

I think, in fact, that would be

if I was going to have a stroke, I would

have one in front of you. Is that how you want to die?

A stroke? No, but I just think

because it's just part of my family history.

Who had a stroke in your family? My dad.

But he died of cancer.

No, he didn't.

He didn't die of cancer? No. Stroke.
But the stroke was from something. Didn't he have anything wrong inside of him? Yeah.
He couldn't walk because of the stroke? But I thought he was deteriorating because of something inside. He didn't have any diseases.
Please, please. No, I'm not joking.
Whatever you're doing right now, dude, is really hurtful. I'm saying I didn't.
Well, why don't you listen then? Did he have something else? No, he had a stroke. So the stroke is the only thing that killed him? He was healthy otherwise? Well, there's complications after a stroke.
From the stroke, right. But he didn't have anything else otherwise? No pre-existing conditions of health? Like AIDS? He had AIDS.
Okay, that's what I'm talking about. No.
My dad died from a stroke. He died from complications of a stroke? And because of the complications of a stroke.
Because he lived through the stroke. Yeah, My grandparents were all paralyzed from the neck down from fucking strokes.
Wow. I had my...
I'm going to tell you a fucked up story. I'm ready.
Did I ever tell you about when my dad discovered marks on my grandmother's body? No. No, I don't think so.
So my grandmother... I'm fucking sweating right now.
Wait, what? So my grandmother lived in Korea, and she was paralyzed from the neck down from a stroke for like 25 years. Oh, my God.
She never left the living room of this, like... Imagine this old Korean house with paper walls.
We're in it. Okay.
Thank you. And she would just sit there on this, like, kind of colorful pad up against a wall.
And she'd just sit there because she couldn't move. So she would sit on the floor and lean against the wall.
Yeah, but she would always be smiling. You know what I mean? And one day, my dad discovers welts all over her body.
Oh, no. Right.
He goes, hey, why does grandma have welt? You know what I mean? We go, we don't know. Why is she always beating here with her? Why is she bleeding? Oh, he thinks you're beating her.
And we're like, what? Yeah. We don't, what the fuck? You? You're right.
So like two days later, he walks in the room and my brother and I have sticks. Sticks? What? You're hitting her? Why? Because she couldn't feel it.
Bob. And she would just sit there and smile, right? You would be hitting her grandma? Yeah, with sticks, yeah.
You are awful. I know, we're awful.
I have so many stories like that that are so fucking weird. No, never on the face.
It shows on the face. You're right.
How could she go to work? She had to explain it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You can't do it on the face.
That's insane. It's insane.
You'd hit your grandma? Yeah. And I remember getting in so much trouble.
Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Yeah your why you lie i got i got you he saw you guys doing it oh yeah you convinced steve poor steve probably didn't want to do it he was like i don't know bob steve used to go to we'd go to a mcdonald's and even as a three four-year-old fiber as soon as he could speak right he would literally walk up to a fat person and go yep you're fat and just walk away like he had one of those like he's one of those kids that like just didn't have no filter yeah you you know you're funny and then just walk away like he was a fucking asshole and then we had to teach him not kids do that kids say things they don't know any better and they just say what they're feeling right away right there's no filter yeah he he's my brother's been doing that all his life though And then we had to teach them not to do that.
Kids say things they don't know any better, and they just say what they're feeling right away.

There's no filter.

Yeah, he's – my brother has been doing that all his life, though, and then we had to teach him not to do it. Well, yeah.
Just to be completely like – I told this – I used to tell a joke about this. A kid – when we were playing basketball, I had horrifically bad acne, and we were playing basketball, and it's even worse when I'm in season.
I was sweating. and a little black kid in West Aurora at this high school,

he came up to me in the hallway when I was having a drink of water and he was like... worse when i'm like in season i was sweating and a little black kid in at west aurora at this high

school he came up to me in the hallway when i was having a drink of water and he was like man you pretty good for a white boy i was like oh thanks and i thought he was like a sweet little kid like a little tiny kid i don't even know how old he had been maybe six seven i have no idea yeah and as he's walking away he goes hey white boy and i turn and he's smiling already and he goes what's all over your face?

Yeah.

I mean it like broke my soul. What was it? Pimples, Bob.
Oh, really? Yeah. I had such bad acne.
He was like, what's all over your face? And then what did you say? I said, this is part of the joke. Yeah, yeah.
I said, this is what happens when your dad sticks around. No, but it really hurt my feelings.
When I was a kid, it hurt my feelings so much. Yeah.
This little confident, little tiny kid. And I'm a teenager in high school.
Yeah. What's all over it hurt unbelievable like oh god it was my soul acne i was acne ridden myself you had it bad did you ever go on the stuff no accutane i did it i took it even in my early 20s i remember like my friends took it four times really and that stuff like killed people really accutane oh my god yeah people committed suicide on it and they got sued.
It was crazy. Yeah, I would just go to work at like – I worked at this coffee shop called the Panican in La Jolla.
Uh-huh. And I would just have fucking zits and boils all over my face.
Yeah. Because I had no fucking money.
Dude, I had – I was so stressed out. You will – And I had no soap.
I had no money. I had nothing.
And you can't take care of it. Yeah, Accutane.
I've never seen a doctor back that time. I didn't have a dentist.
All my teeth are gone because I was so poor for so long. What do you mean all your teeth are still in your mouth? No, they're not.
Smile. No, I can't tell you.
Smile for me. You know about my teeth.
Yeah, but your teeth are fine. The teeth that you're seeing now? I know.
Yeah, yeah. Are the only ones that are there? That's the remnants.
That's the remnants. Have you seen back here? The back I've never seen.
I'll show you. Yeah, let me see.
But don't get too close. Oh, wow, they're all gone.
They had left town. Bye-bye.
I mean, I've got... You can't see, but my teeth were so bad.
All I've got from here, from the canines all the way back, what do you call them? Crowns and – They're all crowns, yeah. Yeah, it's all fake.
They're all bad, yeah. Nothing back here is real.
In fact, one time my dentist said to me – he goes, look, dude, this is getting bad. Like he's – I have to keep fixing stuff because you just have bad teeth.
And I was like, well, I don't even eat sugar. I'm not like a dessert guy.
I don't do any of that. He goes, nothing to do with that.
That's a lie. It's a rumor.

It's hereditary.

He's like, you either have bad teeth or you don't.

Some people have better teeth.

Some people never get cavities.

Yeah.

He goes, just get veneers.

And I said, I don't know what that is.

I don't know anything about them.

He showed me pictures of veneers.

Like, if they're done right, they're good.

Yeah.

But it's scary because if you get the bad ones, if you get the bad ones, you look like

Matt Dillon from, what is it called? What's the Cameron Diaz movie? Something About Mary? Yeah, I mean, if you get bad veneers, you end up having these teeth, the Matt Dillon. And this is all.
I always think of this. I always think about this movie whenever I think about veneers.
Yeah, I love that movie. So good.
I love that movie. You know the cum was real in her hair? Ben Stiller was like, no, he didn't want to do it unless it was real.
That's not true. Yes, it is.
He's a method guy. He goes, I won't do it.
Can I tell you what I did to him? What? So he liked this open mic-er. Yeah, like had a crush on her? At the comedy store? Yeah.
I can't say her name. No, shouldn't.
So he would come just to see her. Wow.
And then he kind of knew that I was like a regular or whatever. Uh-huh.
And then... So I don't know why I did this, but one day, you know what I mean? I wanted to wrestle him.
You wanted to wrestle Matt Dillon? Yeah, yeah. Why? I don't understand.
You were just in one of your moods? Yeah. You know how I do it? Yeah.
Yeah. So of got it.
He's like, get off me, man. He's kind of laughing.
But then he started walking and I clung onto his legs. You got on the ground? No.
I was on his legs like this and he's trying to walk, right? He goes, get off me. And then he snapped.
Oh, yeah. He goes, get off me! And I never saw him again.
I never saw him there again you know i mean there's always those like little weird things he decided in your mind your mind like why did i do that yeah why would you why did i make that choice it's a really bad idea yeah it was a bad idea it's a bold leap but you have to try right we all have to try we all take shots yeah so you're not you're not old enough. You're about to experience these things in your 20s.
Ugh. You're about to experience nightmarish social situations.
Yeah, get ready. Where you go, why did I do that? You know what I mean? Forget combination, the way you said that, right? I mean, it's going to get.
It's going to get way worse. Way worse.
When you start going to bars and meeting guys and you start going out in the workforce you know people are going to be so awkward to you too especially now that you're a superstar on the internet um i want to show you a little gift that was given to me some information that i think you'll really enjoy honestly this is really positive stuff um so let's take a look at this little news report that just came out moving on to a different story now the average head size of kore Koreans has been supposedly growing and growing over the past four decades. A group of researchers from a renowned local university claims to have evidence to prove this phenomenon is real.
Kim Dami sheds light on how and why this might be happening. It's getting bigger.
Thanks to a better quality of life and proper nutrition, Koreans are getting taller and bigger, and so is their head size. Researchers at Korea University College of Medicine ran magnetic resonance imaging scans on 115 Koreans born in the 1930s and 1970s and reconstructed their craniums into three-dimensional images.
So you guys are so advanced. You've sped up to four decades.
What took us two centuries. Six percent.
That's incredible. In four decades.
Are you doing this honestly? What? No, listen. In four decades, your heads have grown.

Are you calling me a mongoloid?

No, I'm just saying this is how advanced.

This is not a slam or.

No, this is positive.

It's positive.

Koreans obviously are more advanced than us.

Their heads are growing at a beautiful rate.

The bigger their head, the better.

So your head, they said in the rest of this, I can't play the whole clip.

It's not that entertaining.

But they said your head right now as a Korean man will grow before your death two to three times the size of an average Western American. I just wish that like there are other things that grew as well.
Like your nose or your ears? Dick. You had that shot and it stopped.
No, what I'm saying is that why does it have to be the head? Oh, why does that have – why does your – Why can't everything grow proportionally to everything else? Well, it sometimes does for some people. Yeah, but in this situation, it seems like the head is growing.
The head's the only thing that's growing. Yeah, it's the only thing that's growing.
It's getting out of control. Well, because, look, I mean...
What? We're big-headed people? You're a little too... And you are...
But why is that even a slam? That's not even a negative thing. It's not a slam.
I just wanted to show you this article. But if you were at a bar and you walked up to the gate, you big-headed lug, people would be like, what did you call me? It just makes me laugh to think if one day you do have kids and 40 years from now, if they get another 6% increase, how big your child's head would be.
I mean it would be very, very, very large. You already have a large dome.
Wait. What you're saying to me now is

that if you saw me

we didn't know each other

and we were at, let's say

wings, some sort of wing place.

Buffalo Wild Wings.

B-dubs.

I'm at a table. I'm having a beer watching again.

Come on, let's go!

Let's go! Tackle them!

Hey man, keep it down. Jesus Christ, your your head is big is that what you would think no honestly no i'd go hey man what's up and i'd turn to my friend i go look at this big-headed korean i know but no but honestly is that gonna be something that you would think about sitting down your head doesn't look big but standing up it does all right so so what you're saying is that i'm like a fucking wobbly headed guy You're a bobble head I'm a bobble headed guy And I have a very big head You don't have a very big head but it's big It's big It's big proportion to your body Jules is tiny She has a small because she's a tiny girl Yeah yeah Tiny body I mean is Tito's head big? Yeah.
Yeah. Okay.
Okay.

Okay.

You can be mad at her now.

I'm a little mad.

All right.

You didn't think about it yet.

Okay.

Oh, man.

You should have.

I mean, thank you for playing, but also you're in trouble.

Thank you for playing, but you're also in trouble.

So, you know, I'm so glad that we did this voyage together.

Oh, you were done with the voyage?

Yeah, this is the end.

But don't you think you need to carry the voyage no no I think

I realized that

you know

because you know

we talked about this guy

yes

on Instagram

and I realized

that I don't give a fuck now

I'm just gonna be myself

that's what I like

yeah because

you know

I don't give a fuck

well you have to be you

it doesn't even matter

we have to be us

it's gonna be me

and I'm just gonna do it

look at me

yeah

I love you

I hate you

Bob

I hate you

that's how I'm trying to be myself

honestly

yeah

Thank you. I hate you.

Bob.

I hate you.

That's how I'm trying to be myself.

Honestly?

Yeah.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Woo-hoo.
Yeah.

Woo-hoo.