Bobby Quits Smoking & WAP!

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 I'm bad friends.

Speaker 2 How do you feel, Bob? I ain't going out like that. I ain't going out like that.
I ain't going out. I ain't going out like that.
I ain't going out like that. I ain't going out.
It's actually.

Speaker 2 I ain't going out like that. I ain't going out like that.

Speaker 2 That's what it's like. But that da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
da da da da da da da da. I have my own way of doing it, man.
It's like a fucking.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's right.

Speaker 2 Your hair.

Speaker 2 Your hair looks ridiculous like a dum dum. 2012.

Speaker 2 Off to a good start. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Why is your hair like that? Because Tatalia.

Speaker 2 I made him enough for a kid.

Speaker 2 You wanted me to be Italian? I'm an Italian gangster for you. It's something that's not.
Did you go swimming? Did you go swimming and you slicked your hair back?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I was swimming in the pool today.

Speaker 2 Do we close that or no?

Speaker 2 It can't go closed right now

Speaker 2 because George is in there and he wants to be somewhere. George is in today because Fancy B is on vacation.
Vacation. Listen, everyone listening, so we're setting up something, something very special.

Speaker 2 We might be going to a city near you. We could be coming to a city near you very, very soon.
Very soon. And we're going to do

Speaker 2 live podcasts in every city, One Nighters. One Nighters with.
We we take an RV

Speaker 2 with video accompaniment, with QA. We got all sorts of stuff planned.
Yeah, but guess what? Guess what? Bad Rudy can't go. Wait, why? Because she has school.
Online.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I have a full load.

Speaker 2 The attitude is glaring.

Speaker 2 The way she said it, she goes, yeah, I have a full load. Full load? Also, don't say full load.
What a weird thing to say. Yeah, yeah.
A full load. Just say, I'm busy.
I'm busy. I'm busy.

Speaker 2 How many classes do you have? Eight.

Speaker 2 Okay, that is a full load. Yeah, but eight loads.
But also, it's online. So what? You don't think we're going to go to places where there's the internet?

Speaker 2 And actually, do you know what I just bought the other day? What? A mobile Wi-Fi hotspot. Like, I literally have the Wi-Fi hotspot for when we travel.
So you can have high-speed Wi-Fi internet.

Speaker 2 And the things also that we could teach you, you'll learn a lot more than in school. By far.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Ask me a question, Jules. I'll fucking give you the answer.
Anything. Ask him anything.

Speaker 2 What is the constitution of the. 1817, the Declaration of Independence was by John Adams, and he created the Constitution within so that we have social justice because of the fact.

Speaker 2 Because of the fact. Yeah.
And what do you think about that, kid? Yeah, go ahead. Oh, actually, what was it? What was the question you were going to ask? Yeah, I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 What is the chemical formula of

Speaker 2 4.2?

Speaker 2 Chemical formula of water? Let me, you obviously know what that is. H2O?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Is that H2O? Look at it.
I looked at it because I didn't know.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But did you believe I got that? Yeah, it was good.

Speaker 2 My eyes started vibrating. Well, okay, what's carbon dioxide? CO2.
What's carbon monoxide?

Speaker 2 C.

Speaker 2 Get your ass in class. Yeah, you're not going.
Punk kid. You're not going.
You need to learn. Yeah.
Do you know how many elements on the periodic table are you aware of?

Speaker 2 There's about

Speaker 2 20,

Speaker 2 I don't know, 28.

Speaker 2 I don't look at me. You're in school.
Also, that this. We finished.
We finished. And also this book smart shit

Speaker 2 doesn't make you survive in the world.

Speaker 2 I'll give you real life street fucking.

Speaker 2 Yeah. All right.

Speaker 2 Let's suppose you're walking down the street, two in the morning. You're on 6th and

Speaker 2 Western, right?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 a homeless man goes, hey, kid, come in this alleyway. I have some candy.

Speaker 2 What do you do? Do you like Twix?

Speaker 2 I have Twix. Yeah, yeah.
What do you do? What do you do, Jules? I don't want to talk to him. No,

Speaker 2 you get the candy. It's free.
You're going to take candy. It's free.
You're not going to take free candy. Are you out of your fucking mind? Because here's what happens.
You don't talk to him.

Speaker 2 Watch this. You be the homeless guy, and I'm Jules, and I'll be when you don't talk to him.
Watch what happens.

Speaker 2 Well, first he does his

Speaker 2 brown brown.

Speaker 2 You're a brown little girl, huh? Yeah, yeah, from Philippines. Yeah, you're Philippines.
Yes. Yes.
Hey, little girl. Yes.

Speaker 2 Come in this alleyway, my home. And I got a bag full of candy for you.
No.

Speaker 2 Oh, what a loser. Boom!

Speaker 2 Loser. You go, where's the candy? Yeah, and then you go, what if he has a vault filled with a...

Speaker 2 What's your favorite candy?

Speaker 2 Um.

Speaker 2 Nerds.

Speaker 2 Nerds.

Speaker 2 Nerds? Nerds. Of all the good candy, you chose nerds.

Speaker 2 Nerds is just sand pedal. Do they even make that anymore? No.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Nerds, you don't like any chocolate. You don't like...
I like Reese's. Okay, Reese's is good.
Reese's cups or bars? Cups.

Speaker 2 Do you want to read the lyrics of What Ass Pussy? Well, I mean, I've never read it before. I don't know if, I guess.
But don't say all the cuss words in this.

Speaker 2 Let's see if we can do an edited version of this is Cardi B and Megan the Stallion.

Speaker 2 And this is WAP. This is the new song.
I'll try to change certain of the lyrics.

Speaker 2 Let's see what you get out of this.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Loose women in this house. No, no, don't sing it.
Don't do that.

Speaker 2 Don't do that. All right.
I don't know the song, so I can't. Loose women in this house.

Speaker 2 There's some loose women in this house.

Speaker 2 There's some loose women in this house.

Speaker 2 There's some loose women in this house. Ho up.

Speaker 2 I said, certified freaks. Seven days a week.

Speaker 2 Wet, no, moist vagina puss. No, moist vagina make the pullout game weak.
Woo-hoo!

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's go.

Speaker 2 You fucking some.

Speaker 2 Oh, you said the F-word. Oh, shit.
You freaking some.

Speaker 2 Moist vagina.

Speaker 2 Bring a bucket and a mop for this moist vagina.

Speaker 2 Give me everything you got for this moist.

Speaker 2 Moist. I can say ass vagina, right?

Speaker 2 Beat it up again. Take your charge.

Speaker 2 Extra large and extra hard. That's fine.
Put this vagina right in your face. Swipe your nose like a credit card.
Hop on top. I want to ride.

Speaker 2 I do a kegel. It's inside.

Speaker 2 Spit in my mouth. Look at my eyes.
This wet. This vagina is moist.
Come take a dive. Tie me up like I'm surprised.
Let's role play. I'll wear a disguise.

Speaker 2 I want you to park that big Matt truck right in this little garage.

Speaker 2 Make what? Make it cream. Make me scream.
In public, make a scene. I don't cook.
I don't clean. But let me tell you how I got this right.
Okay. Aye, aye, aye.

Speaker 2 Yeah, thank you. Thank you.
I can't believe you're not going to be able to come on the little trip with us.

Speaker 2 I'm a little bit bummed about that. Who are we going to have to take? Well, she said that she would do stand-up at the Irvine show.
You will? You'll come down?

Speaker 2 Yes, you will. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We're doing the Irvine. We're doing Irvine for sure, right? Yeah.
Yeah. So we're going to be a be a bit.
What if she goes on stage with Andres?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, they do a bit.

Speaker 2 It'll be called The Broken English Buds. The Broken English Buds.
And both of you can do stand-up together. Would you like that?

Speaker 2 You don't have a choice. Yeah, you don't have a choice.
You don't have a choice. We're going to make you do it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We're going to make you do it.

Speaker 2 Look, she's so betrayed by me right now. Because in the car, she goes, don't talk about the show.
I'm not doing stand-up. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Why would you do that when you know we're going to talk about it then? No, because we made a deal with Tito Bobby. What's the deal?

Speaker 2 That I would lie for him.

Speaker 2 Alright, stop.

Speaker 2 No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait. So,

Speaker 2 I'm warning you right now, okay? But you're in the middle of the day.

Speaker 2 It doesn't matter. I don't care about the deal.
I don't give a shit about the deal. All right? Young lady, right?

Speaker 2 My word is God.

Speaker 2 Okay? It's by God. And if you fucking betray me right now, you'll see what comes to you.
Okay?

Speaker 2 Hey. Yeah.
Mom's the word. Mom is the word, pal.
Say it. Say mom's the word.
Mom's the word. That's right.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's so angry. No, no, no.
I can feel it.

Speaker 2 You shouldn't have told him not to say something. You know he's going to cry.
Say it. She feels so betrayed.
No, because he started it. He said, if you lie, then I won't say anything.
Right.

Speaker 2 So you're creating an allegiance here. I like that.

Speaker 2 I think it's smart. Look.
Yeah. Rudy, do what's going to benefit you the most.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay?

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay.
Okay. So now you're afraid.
Now you're thinking, Rudy, you're thinking that I won't reveal the lie on air.

Speaker 2 I will reveal the lie just to spite you. Uh-oh.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So Sunday.

Speaker 2 Sunday. Okay, I did the hypnosis.
Mm-hmm. Okay.
How'd it go? It went great. Seriously? Yes.
Wow. But I think I fell completely asleep.

Speaker 2 That's okay. No, no, but I don't think I was in deep sleep.
Yeah, but I think it's subconscious. It didn't work.
It didn't work. I don't think it worked.
You're smoking. No.
That's not.

Speaker 2 That being said, no. Oh.
Okay, so he allowed me. So Monday I did a cooking show.
Right.

Speaker 2 So I did a cooking show and I said, when I'm doing cooking shows, I need to smoke. I get stressed out.
Tea, when you do shoots, yeah. Right.
So then he allowed me to smoke Monday.

Speaker 2 And then Tuesday, I completely ran out of cigarettes. And he says, he said, I can only smoke one cigarette a day.
So I ran out of cigarettes, but I have these gigantic ashtrays filled with butts.

Speaker 2 Are you smoking butts?

Speaker 2 So I think I smoked the equivalent of one cigarette, but it could have been 20 cigarettes. I don't know.
Because it was just butts. Yeah, there was no way to measure butts.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 I think one butt.

Speaker 2 I think to get one full cigarette, you'd smoke six butts. How about that?

Speaker 2 One full 20.

Speaker 2 20 butts is one full cigarette. Yeah.
That's insane. I mean, that's the scale I was using.
Okay. Okay.
And then, so

Speaker 2 then I told her, I go, I'm only supposed to be down to one cigarette a day, but I think I'm not doing it right.

Speaker 2 I said, don't reveal that on the podcast. You just did, I just did because I made a deal with her that I wouldn't mention these things.
You know what I mean? So, I had, I called myself out.

Speaker 2 All right, now are we good? Then, are you mad still? I'm fine. You're fine now? Partially.
I feel she might be partially mad. What? Do you get along with the hypnotherapist? I love the guy.

Speaker 2 He's a great guy, huh? He's a great guy, but you know, I just,

Speaker 2 I don't know. I see.

Speaker 2 Here's the thing.

Speaker 2 When I was in high school, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 We had a hypnotist at the high school. He, you know,

Speaker 2 no, he did a show. This right.
Like a guy came in to speak. So all the students go up on stage and everyone's like, you know,

Speaker 2 everyone's supposed to be hypnotized. And he's like, he turns into a duck.
And yeah, you guys are roosters, right? And I was on stage too. And I was going,

Speaker 2 doing it, but I knew I wasn't hypnotized. Of course.
I just wanted to do the rooster. I think they pick people at those school things that they know are going to be showmen.

Speaker 2 They don't pick like the court. They don't pick Rudy.
They pick you because they know you're going to do it. Right.
That's my theory. That's the thing.
They know they go, this guy's fun. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's going to be a goofball. The

Speaker 2 silly little China kid. Yeah, look at him.
That's what he said. The silly little China kid.
Yeah, he looks like somebody. With the principal? Because he's smiling right now.
Yeah, with the principal.

Speaker 2 He's like, all right, check it out. I want the little China kid.
I want the chubby little China kid. Yeah, yeah.
I want the goofball with pimples with the red hair. I want him.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I want the

Speaker 2 the loud fat black kid. I want them.
Like they pick people that they know are going to have fun. There's no way.
They don't pick quiet nerds. Yeah, she wouldn't do it.
Worst candy on earth.

Speaker 2 They wouldn't pick

Speaker 2 up

Speaker 2 her.

Speaker 2 But she wouldn't raise that. The thing is, is that it's not as if

Speaker 2 they point to people and they go, you,

Speaker 2 the guy kid in the back who's not raising his hand. Uh-uh.
They ask for volunteers. And the ones that are volunteering, like, I'll do it are the ones that are going to do it anyway.

Speaker 2 Of course, because who else would do that? Right. Who would be the first person to go, oh, oh, pick me?

Speaker 2 Because all the the friends are going, I know everyone around you goes, Bobby, do it, Bobby. And you're like, shut up.
And they're like, do it.

Speaker 2 I'm going to do it. All right.
All right. I'll do it.

Speaker 2 Bobby. People did that, didn't they? Yeah.
See? And you're up there doing a rooster. And then after the show, people go, hey, dude, man, you were crazy up there.
And then you lie. You go, I know.

Speaker 2 I didn't even know what I was doing. See?

Speaker 2 Like, you know, I didn't want to do it, but all of a sudden I'm fucking acting like a fucking abdominal snowman. I feel like I might have feathers coming in soon.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Does this guy, does this, do you trust this guy? Like, what if he hypnotized you into doing some weird, like, this is my thought.

Speaker 2 What if he gets you in there and you're like deep in it and he's like, and you're going to quit smoking and you're going to give me your social security number and your bank account? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because you could use it for evil. See, that's the thing.
If he did that and I was giving him my social security card, my bank account and stuff like that,

Speaker 2 then I would be like, yes, hypnotists. Hypnotism works.
Right. If he really did that.
Yeah. But let's make him do that then.
Let's make him embezzle a couple hundred thousand dollars from you. Right.

Speaker 2 And then we'll know it's real.

Speaker 2 Let's make him do something evil on you just to prove that it's real. How about have him do something that something I definitely don't want to do? The last thing I would do

Speaker 2 is suck Eric Griffin's dick.

Speaker 2 That's the last out of everything on planet Earth, right? Dead last. Where there is not to do.
Deadlast. That's the last thing.
Okay.

Speaker 2 If he can convince me to suck that guy's dick, right, then he's the real deal. Okay, maybe we need him to...
Maybe we

Speaker 2 It's going to be a lot more money. What? I think it's a lot more money to do sexual stuff, but we'll see what he says.
And then he does it, and then a week later, my mouth looks like the Joker.

Speaker 2 And I go, it worked.

Speaker 2 It worked. It worked.

Speaker 2 Griffin had a good time in here. Did you enjoy when Eric was in here? Yeah, he's funny.
Shut up, okay? He's not funny like we're funny. Take it back right now.
Yeah. Say we're funny.
You're funny.

Speaker 2 Thank you. But don't, but don't.
I'm saying.

Speaker 2 Don't say it if you don't believe it. No.
He is funny, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but you're also funny.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 She didn't mean it. She didn't mean it.
Yes, she didn't mean it.

Speaker 2 Rudy? Yeah. No, we love him.
I love Griff Dog.

Speaker 2 He had a good time. And people online were saying, you guys should have more often.
And I said, maybe. Yeah.
Well, we're going to definitely have guests. Yeah, we got to start having guests.

Speaker 2 We're going to start having some guests, and we'll figure that out.

Speaker 2 You guys tell us who you want to see on the show.

Speaker 2 See, I just don't want people that have done other shows before.

Speaker 2 That's the problem. It's like, you know,

Speaker 2 we got to get some people that

Speaker 2 never do podcasts. Yeah.
That would be really fun. Like, I was trying to get Rhonda Rousey to do ours.
She said no. To Tiger Belly.
Did she say no? She just didn't respond to me. Rhonda?

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I've been reaching out to people that, or like, you know,

Speaker 2 did you see this season's alone? Yes. You finished it? Yeah, we're done.

Speaker 2 So, Callie.

Speaker 2 Yes. Do you know Callie? I know who she is.
I don't know her personally. But you know she's on the show? Yeah, you reached out to her? Yeah.
And?

Speaker 2 Nothing. Really? You got stood up by the alone on an alone cast man? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But she just didn't respond. It's like...
She didn't see the DM. No, it wasn't DM.
I commented.

Speaker 2 On a picture? On a picture on her Instagram. But why don't you just have like an agent review? But here's the thing, is that there was like 15 other responses.
It was the only one that had a thread.

Speaker 2 It was like the number one thing. She had to read it.
Read it. She saw it.
Yeah, yeah. But see, I never understand that.
Oh, you know what usually happens, though, too? What?

Speaker 2 A lot of people don't run their own stuff.

Speaker 2 She runs her own thing. She might have someone do it now.

Speaker 2 She has 5,000 followers. She runs her own thing, man.
5,000. That's it.
It's so funny. This one right here.
30,000. Over 30,000.
And here's the thing. She has two accounts.
I know.

Speaker 2 She has her real one. Yeah.
Her private one. And then she has, which has, what, 12 followers?

Speaker 2 Right? Which is the one that she posts

Speaker 2 and everything. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she has the Bad Rudy one, which has over 30,000. All right.
And I'm telling her right now, the whole reason to have social media is to brag. Brag, boast.
Is to boast. Take a note from Bob.
Right.

Speaker 2 Brag and boast. She's telling me that she has friends that in the Philippines right now that want to be influencers and they want to be social media, you know, giants.
Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And they all have, what, 1,200 followers, maybe at the most, right? And they think they're the shit. This girl has over 30,000.
And I'm telling her, delete the other one. Yep.

Speaker 2 Use the 30,000 one as your thing. Yep.
Try to get verified. Yep.
Right. And then you become right the envy of all of the Philippines.
Right. But she's not listening to me.
You're the pride of Cebu.

Speaker 2 You can be a bad person. You're the pride of Cebu, you ding-dong.
Why don't you do that?

Speaker 2 Because I think my friends are going to judge you?

Speaker 2 Yeah, because

Speaker 2 they don't know that I'm doing this. Let me tell you something.
When you get verified and you get famous enough, you don't need friends anymore. You get rid of those people forever.

Speaker 2 You know what they mean to you? Nothing. When they go, Rudy, you're being mean, go, are you, are you verified? I'm sorry, are you verified? No.
Goodbye. Goodbye.
Push them out of your life.

Speaker 2 From now on, we're going to get you verified. You don't talk to non-verified people.
Do you understand? Yeah. Ever again.
Ever again. Ever again.

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Speaker 2 Rules and restrictions apply. We need to talk to our

Speaker 2 hypnotherapist. Hey, there's my man!

Speaker 2 What's up, dude? There's my main man right there, dude.

Speaker 2 How you doing, buddy? What's up, Lex?

Speaker 2 I thought it was Picard. No, now you're Lex.
Lex dog. Lex Luthor.
Lex dog. What's up, Lexi? Listen,

Speaker 2 I really appreciate Sunday, man.

Speaker 2 Well, you did it for me Sunday. I went into a deep trance.
It really worked. I did the, um,

Speaker 2 remember the thing you taught me to do?

Speaker 2 Yeah, this. What is that?

Speaker 2 I transported him. Yeah.
He went like this. He goes, this is how small your dick is.

Speaker 2 Seems about right? Seems all right.

Speaker 2 No, this, so what happened was he put me in a trance, and I went to a happy place. Did he ask you to go to a happy place? Oh, yeah.
He guided me into the happy place.

Speaker 2 Can you tell us where it was or why?

Speaker 2 Of course. All right.
So you weren't in it.

Speaker 2 I had to just throw it out there. You weren't in the happy place.
Really? Yeah, I don't know why. I should have been there.
No, but you weren't in the happy place. Maybe I was there.

Speaker 2 Everyone else was there. Really?

Speaker 2 In my happy place, right? Okay. Right.
Everyone was there. My dad was there.
Juliana was there. My girlfriend, my mom.

Speaker 2 Eric Griffin. My brother was there.
Whitney Cummings was there. All of these humans were there, and I wasn't in your happy place.
But you can't control the happy place. Yes, you can.

Speaker 2 No, you literally are controlling it. No, because I was in a trance, right?

Speaker 2 I'm in a trance, right? I can't control what's in the happy place.

Speaker 2 Because I was in the water. So my happy place was off an island, Cebu.
Yeah. I was in a lagoon.
Yeah. I was on my back in the water.
Right. And I can hear my dad and my mom.
Fighting. Talking.

Speaker 2 Not fighting, talking, right? Hear splashes, right? Then I heard like Whitney Cummings and my girlfriend talking. I think Nikki Glazier was there and Esther Krofinsky.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. I just had half of the store was there pretty much.
Why am I? And I'm on my back. And I don't know why, but I was on my back and I'm floating.

Speaker 2 And then he goes, I guess in the trance, I barely remember because I'm in a trance, right? Deep. He's just like, now put your thumb and your index finger together, right?

Speaker 2 And anytime you want to, right?

Speaker 2 Like when I'm just going about my day when I press them together, I will immediately return to this happy place.

Speaker 4 Did you use it this past week? Yes, I did.

Speaker 2 And look, happy place, you're not there. You're here.
You're here. I'm here right now.
Not there. I'm not there.
You're here. Okay.
So that's what it is. Can I try this exercise?

Speaker 2 Well, he has to put you in the transverse. So then, um, trance me.
No, no, it takes a long time. What can we do today? What are we doing today?

Speaker 4 It's important to reinforce what we did.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 4 We lock it in. And so because I gave him a suggestion last time, and he'll be aware of this, that he's going to find it much easier to go and relax now.
So, we'll do a very short session right now.

Speaker 2 Right now? Yeah.

Speaker 4 If you'd like. If you're open to that.

Speaker 2 All right. Let's do it.
Yeah. Stare at him right here.
He's right here. All right.
All right. Here we go.
I'm excited. Rudy, are you involved?

Speaker 2 She's out.

Speaker 2 Okay, go.

Speaker 2 Don't drink Red Bull.

Speaker 4 We're not trying to get amped up.

Speaker 2 That's water for him. Yeah, it's like water to me.
That's what I'm doing.

Speaker 2 You know how, yeah, it does different things to people yeah yeah some people can do chlorine you know some people can just do coke and like function that's exactly yeah that's how that's who i am yeah yeah you're giving me a run for my money my gosh yeah yeah what are you drinking vodka we're not judging you yeah yeah

Speaker 2 okay hypno okay go ahead all right hold on

Speaker 2 can i just say something doing it in my garage with just you and i is one thing doing it in front of all these people

Speaker 2 what's the big deal there's only four cameras in this room and me and rude and yeah but when i go to the fucking yeah but here's the deal dude go to your happy place when I go to my happy place look at me right now I can't go to the happy place with you do you want me to leave no you're in the building I can smell you

Speaker 2 don't get angry you're I love you okay like a brother I love you too right you're just you're in a sad place I am when I go to the sad place that's where you are and what am I doing there what you're just like fucking you're working out yes yeah you're working out you're eating beef jerky see that's my happy place right and you're right and you're like hitting the wall with your fucking fist drywall so fun to punch.

Speaker 2 Right, right. And then you're like putting more tumbleweed on your fucking stupid eyebrows to thicken those fucking beastly eyebrows up.
I don't need to pay for this.

Speaker 2 I just got my happy place right now. Yeah.
I'm there.

Speaker 2 I'm in the gym. I'm punching a wall.
Okay. Go ahead.

Speaker 4 Look, Bobby, what's important here is that you feel comfortable doing this, right? If you do, let's do it. If you don't, that's fine too.

Speaker 2 And we can continue. Let's try.
Let's try. Let's try.

Speaker 4 We don't try. We do.

Speaker 2 No, we sorry. We do.
Okay, Yoda. Fuck.

Speaker 4 You remember that from last time, right?

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 4 All right. So settle back.

Speaker 2 Okay. Can I just say something? Stop cutting him off.
I'm sorry. I'm not going to charge you.
Jules laughing is

Speaker 2 bugging me out right now. Jules.

Speaker 2 Jules.

Speaker 2 If I hear you laugh, it's bugging me out, lady. No laughing.
Okay.

Speaker 4 But the difference here, this is not stage hypnotism. You and I know Bobby, right?

Speaker 2 This is real stuff. This is the real stuff.

Speaker 4 So there's nothing actually humorous going to happen here. This actually could be really interesting for you guys.

Speaker 2 All right. So,

Speaker 4 Bobby, pick a spot in the studio out in the distance. Open eyes.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 2 Stop, stop, stop. Stop.
Jules.

Speaker 2 Jules. Jules.
Jules. Jules.
Jules. Jules.
Jules.

Speaker 2 Jules.

Speaker 2 No, stay in the room, right? I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 Just give me a second. Bear with us.
Bear with us, okay?

Speaker 2 Look at me right now. All right.

Speaker 2 If I hear you laughing, it's going to take me out.

Speaker 2 He needs to go to the bottom. This is very serious, all right? So you cannot laugh, okay? All right.

Speaker 4 Bobby, you can let any of the distractions

Speaker 4 just drift out.

Speaker 2 I'll let it drift away. I'll let it drift out.
Drift away. Incorporate them in.

Speaker 4 It really doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 Okay, go ahead. Yeah.

Speaker 4 Last time when we worked together, there were distractions.

Speaker 2 You probably don't even remember. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Just let it go.
What do you guys think? I'm not looking at their mic. Don't look at it.
Don't look at me. I'm going to look down.
Don't look at me. I'm gonna look down.
Nobody look at me.

Speaker 4 And shut off everybody else's mic.

Speaker 2 All right. So here we go.

Speaker 4 So, as you recall, yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 4 Hit the spot. You'll probably find that your eyes will get tired over time, like most people do.
Staring at a spot, and you'll begin to find it going out of focus.

Speaker 2 Deep breath.

Speaker 4 With all the stress, anxieties, and worries from the past week, all the work that you've done.

Speaker 2 All right. Bobby,

Speaker 4 close your eyes. Close your eyes.

Speaker 2 I don't know. It's so funny.
Bobby, close your eyes.

Speaker 2 Close your eyes.

Speaker 4 Close your eyes.

Speaker 2 Shut up. Don't tell me to fucking close my eyes.
Let me get in and fucking relax. All right, all right, all right.
Be nice. Everyone's freaking me out right now.
Everyone's freaking me out. All right.

Speaker 2 So just be nice. All right.
Be nice. I'm sorry.

Speaker 2 You're great. Here we go.
You're great. Everyone's great.

Speaker 2 Let's do the staring at the thing again. No, just

Speaker 2 stare at the thing to lose focus.

Speaker 2 We lose the focus. I need to do it.
I have to. Because in my mind, if I'm not doing it, I can't get in there.
Okay, come on. Let's go.
Let's do it. All right, let's work.

Speaker 2 Ready?

Speaker 2 Deep breath, Bobby.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 4 Allow your eyelids to drop when you're ready.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. Just get it down.
Good.

Speaker 4 Take three more deep breaths.

Speaker 4 When you're ready, you'll drop down, drop the eyes.

Speaker 2 Relax. Okay.

Speaker 2 I got it all.

Speaker 4 You're good. Allow them to settle down and seal shut.

Speaker 2 Good.

Speaker 4 Sealed from left to right. Very good.
Walk to the top now of that escalator.

Speaker 4 See its detail.

Speaker 4 See the black railing going around.

Speaker 2 No, guys. What's that noise? What's the noise? What is that?

Speaker 2 Did you hear that?

Speaker 2 Did you hear that? What was that? Hello? George, what was that? I have no idea. Okay.
Who did that?

Speaker 2 Did you do that? How? What do I have that I'm going to do?

Speaker 2 You're on your phone. You probably don't fucking...
What song is that? What?

Speaker 2 Was that in my head? I'm not on my phone.

Speaker 2 Did you hear that? I'm texting on my phone. Did you hear that, though? George, did I not just text you to turn your levels down? Yes, you did.
I just texted him, turn your levels down.

Speaker 2 I don't know what that song was, but... Was that in my own head? I only listened.
What are you talking about? All right, okay.

Speaker 4 You're not in trans yet, don't worry. Okay,

Speaker 4 all right. Close your eyes, you're good.

Speaker 4 All right, seeing the escalator now, see each of the steps

Speaker 4 exiting,

Speaker 4 moving downward, holding on now, moving smoothly and quickly down. And you can count down in your head,

Speaker 2 George.

Speaker 2 It's not me.

Speaker 4 Where is that coming from?

Speaker 2 Check your Bluetooth. Is your Bluetooth on

Speaker 2 is your Bluetooth on your phone?

Speaker 2 Check your phone. Is your Bluetooth on George?

Speaker 2 Juliana

Speaker 2 are you fucking around? I'm not. Are you on your phone? Are you on your phone? Yeah.
Get off your phone. That's what it is.
You're listening to some sort of fucking hip-hop video.

Speaker 2 Hip-hop video or something.

Speaker 2 Juliana.

Speaker 2 George, did you do that?

Speaker 2 It's not me, sorry. George, I will fucking fire you, dude.

Speaker 2 I will fucking fire you if you're doing it. Let's go.
Can we get through this? We're gonna never get it. We're gonna keep breaking out if you don't go.
All right, all right. Come on, I was.

Speaker 2 I literally was almost there. No, no, wow.
If the music happens again, we have to, we can't do it. Okay, relax.
All right, everything's fine. Jesus,

Speaker 2 I'm at the top of the escalator. Okay,

Speaker 4 you're at the top of the escalator. Holding on, counting down with me now.

Speaker 4 Stepping on 10,

Speaker 4 9,

Speaker 2 8,

Speaker 4 7,

Speaker 4 deeper and deeper. 6,

Speaker 4 5, halfway there.

Speaker 2 Four,

Speaker 4 three,

Speaker 4 two,

Speaker 4 and one. Stepping off firmly and securely.
Seeing your door in front of you.

Speaker 2 One, two,

Speaker 4 three,

Speaker 4 four, and five. Fully and completely.
Feel those good feelings within you and the pride and success that you will have.

Speaker 2 Good.

Speaker 4 How do you feel?

Speaker 4 Good.

Speaker 4 Did you notice that we took your pants off during that whole thing? Look down.

Speaker 2 No, my pants are still on. Well, we put them back on.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Hey, dude.

Speaker 2 Hey, Sean.

Speaker 2 I can really get there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you can.

Speaker 2 That works.

Speaker 2 That's the real.

Speaker 2 You feel good? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Say thank you. Thank you so much.
You're welcome.

Speaker 4 It's Andrew, right? He's the one who asked for this to help you out.

Speaker 2 Yes? No. Yes.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're welcome, hubby.

Speaker 4 And happy to help you continue with this if you'd like.

Speaker 2 Fuck you. And help.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 That's not a healing thing. That didn't fucking help.
Fuck you.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Really? Yeah.
Okay. Fuck you.
Okay. All right.
Thank you. You know what? If this is how he's going to be, be, I'm never doing this again.
Don't do whatever you need to do to survive.

Speaker 2 All right. Where did you go? I went into that happy place.
And then when I got there,

Speaker 2 and I saw you. I was like, oh, yeah, that's not real.

Speaker 2 It's a shit place.

Speaker 2 Did you enjoy your session? I loved it. Thank you so much.
Thank you.

Speaker 4 When you're ready to quit, quit, you let me know.

Speaker 2 Okay, I will. I love you.
Bye, guys. Bye.

Speaker 2 Bye-bye. Bye.
It really does. I really can't get to that place.
Can you get to the place? I can really get to that place. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Although, Jules and I were loving it. I can really get to that place.
And so, you know, and maybe it did work because I've only been smoking butts.

Speaker 2 And maybe I was only doing one cigarette-length butts a day. I mean, maybe it worked.
We have to find out. Jules is going to work on it.
I think from now on, yeah, yeah. I think we can find out now.

Speaker 2 Jules, you have to tell me on that. That you have to tell me.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 But are you going to admit to playing the music? I didn't do it.

Speaker 2 I don't know how humor works in the Philippines. I did.

Speaker 2 Shut up, Jules. I know it was you.

Speaker 2 George told me it was you. Yeah, he texted us.
Yeah. Yeah, so.

Speaker 6 There's no one else it could be.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Jules, I don't know how humor works in the Philippines, but in America, there's timing. Timing.
There's times to do something and times that. You know,

Speaker 2 if you do a fart joke, you don't do it at a funeral. Right.
You do it before the funeral. You do it or after the funeral.
Or after. You don't do it at the funeral.
That's insane. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's dead in there. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Or it would be funny if you were in the funeral and you were like, it'd be funny if he farted while he was dead.

Speaker 2 That would be funny. There's a time and place for certain things.

Speaker 2 You have to figure it out. And when I was doing that, that was so fucking rude.
So rude.

Speaker 2 But that's, I guess, your deal. That's who you are.
You got anything to say? I did. Yeah, you did.
Do you have anything to say? I didn't do it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you did. It's just, I can't.

Speaker 2 You're lying. You're lying.
It's not good. It's insane.
Jules, it's not good. It's really fucking.
Yeah, at your age to lie the amount that you lie. You don't have to do it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, get off your phone for some time. I'm not even plugged into any wire.
Yeah, you are.

Speaker 2 And it's not a wire. It's not a wire.
It's a Bluetooth. It's a Bluetooth.
Your phone has Bluetooth, yes? Yeah, but... And you hooked onto the Bluetooth, right? I'm not

Speaker 2 connected to any Bluetooth. Oh, liar.
Oh, my God. Because we did that earlier.
We hooked her up earlier.

Speaker 2 we hooked her up earlier why that's not cool that's not cool well you look you look like you feel a little bit better i feel much better i feel a little um

Speaker 2 your shoulders dropped yeah i feel a little mellow i was i i was higher energy earlier in the beginning of the podcast i'm a little mellower but um it's funny you know when i was at the beach in in that lagoon you know in cebu yeah and i really want to analyze why you're not a part of it and you know because we fought yesterday on the phone two days ago Was it two days ago?

Speaker 2 Yeah, we got to go. We screamed at each other two days ago on the phone.
I think you called and screamed at me, didn't you? No, I don't raise my voice, though. You raise the voice.
Bob?

Speaker 2 I picked up, I go, hey, Bob. And you go, you do this fake thing.
Like, you'll do something like, hello, sweetheart. Or you'll do something like that, right? I go, I go, I go, hello, sweetheart.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or you'll go, right, love.

Speaker 2 You'll act like a pansy, and you'll go, hey, Bob. I go, hi, Bobby.
Hey, Baby. What's a pansy? I don't know.
I go, hi, Bobby.

Speaker 2 And when I know that we have serious shit to talk about, and then you, like, you'll raise your voice first, which makes me raise my voice. You raise your voice to me first.
You did.

Speaker 2 I know it for a fact. I approve.

Speaker 2 Right there. Because you're putting out a nonsense thing.
You raised your voice and you got to go to the bathroom. What you're doing right now is exactly how it works.
Dude, you're such a good idea.

Speaker 2 See, here we go. There it is.
Okay, ready? Yeah. You raise your voice to me first.

Speaker 2 Okay. And I'm going to say this.
If we did a poll out there, and maybe we should do a poll.

Speaker 2 Honestly go ahead who do you think would raise their voice first in an argument between Andrew and I I bet you money that it would be 90% you do you know why that's do you know why because you projected a lie

Speaker 2 I'm not projecting a lie the reason why that that's that is because that's the fucking truth no see you just have said that to them now you're serving

Speaker 2 people know your character no no no no people know your character people know your your you what your sensibility. People know what your message is and your story.
People know everything about you.

Speaker 2 And they know. And you're a dark horse.
They know. You're a dark black magic fucker.
Fucker. I am? Yeah.
You are. See,

Speaker 2 in a poll, people think I'm jolly.

Speaker 2 People think I'm jolly. I have a round face, right? When I walk in a room, people go, ah.
Do you have to turn sideways when you walk into a room? See, there we go.

Speaker 2 Now you go into racism. No.
You go into flat-face racism, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. That's

Speaker 2 in a poll. They would say, show that.
You called me names. I'm going to call you names.
You know how many people have said,

Speaker 2 Andrew, I just don't know about that guy.

Speaker 2 I saw him at a

Speaker 2 party.

Speaker 2 I'm not making it up. You saw me at a party.
What was I doing? I'm just giving an example, right? I don't go to parties.

Speaker 2 That's exactly what it is. Nobody invites me to parties.
Why do you think that is? It's because you're a dark horse. Because I steal stuff.
No, you're just that. You have this.
You're a good guy.

Speaker 2 Everyone listening right now. Andrew Santino.
I swear to God,

Speaker 2 his foundation, he's a sweetie beady. I am.
He's a little sweet, sweetie. But you push my beat.

Speaker 2 But, you know, if you ever, if you get in an argument with this fucker, right,

Speaker 2 I guarantee you that his vocal will go up before yours. Especially if you're leading me to be frustrated.
Especially if you're saying stuff that isn't true. Yeah.
Which is what you were doing.

Speaker 2 We need meditation. Medication? Meditation.
I'll take medication. No.
I can't do that. I can't do what you you just did.
You know why? Why? Anger. I don't want to go to the place.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you don't want to go to the happy place. That's why you're not there.
And maybe if you could get to the happy place, because I can meet you there. Maybe I can meet you there.

Speaker 2 Well, first of all, he was like, you're in an escalator. Where is the escalator?

Speaker 2 Here's what the deal is. I would rather take an elevator.
I don't want to take an escalator.

Speaker 2 But before. Okay, before the escalator,

Speaker 2 did you touch the doorknob with your bare hand? No, man. I have gloves on.
You did.

Speaker 2 I have gloves on, and you go escalator, and you go to the escalator, and then there's a golden door, right? You open the door. Oh, God, there's a gold.

Speaker 2 That's just my vision. That's so tacky.
Go ahead. I imagined it.

Speaker 2 It could be any door. What do you prefer? Yours could be fucking wooden.
Mine would be made of man wood. Yeah, it'd be a thick maple.
Like a pioneer door. Yeah, exactly.
Right.

Speaker 2 And it'd be hand-carved.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you something. Yeah.
Here's my happy place.

Speaker 2 When I, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Speaker 2 Oh, oh. Did you listen to what he said about texting people back and engaging? Yeah.
No, I didn't hear it. Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 I didn't hear it. I texted you three days ago, four days ago.
I said, hey, man, want to get lunch? Would you text back? Yeah. Where? You didn't.
That's right. You didn't text back.

Speaker 2 You didn't say anything. Do you know why? Why, Bob? Because it's like this.
It's like data. Let's go back to next generation.

Speaker 2 Star Trek next generation. Okay.
It's the only

Speaker 2 references I can do. Yeah.
Right?

Speaker 2 It just doesn't compute. Just to get lunch? It doesn't like, I don't want to.

Speaker 2 It's not necessary. I was right near your house.

Speaker 2 It's not necessary. I was sleeping.
I don't want to. 240.
So

Speaker 2 I take the information, and I'm like, data, I go, does not compute, put that to the side, and I just pretend it didn't happen. You can just go, no, I'm not feeling, I don't want to eat.

Speaker 2 I know you're awake. It said red right underneath it.
Not dumb. You're the moron that left red receipts on your phone.
Every time he texts you, it's. Wait, the phone does that? Red.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I know that you read it. It posted red.
Wait, did the phone do that? Yes. Oh, shit.
Yeah. And I'm not going to tell you.

Speaker 2 How do you

Speaker 2 tell you? Fuck you. I need to turn it off.
No, fuck you. That way I know.
I need to learn how to turn this off. You're not going to.
What? You're not going to, because I need to know when you rest.

Speaker 2 George, George. No.
George, absolutely. George, you're going to teach me how to turn that off.
George, do it, and I'll break your legs. And I'm dead serious.
Well, I'll just ask Kalila do it.

Speaker 2 I'll break her legs.

Speaker 2 I'll break everybody's legs. Rudy,

Speaker 2 don't make me break them legs.

Speaker 2 Because of this hypnosis, maybe I will start texting you back.

Speaker 2 I hope. Yeah, I think it works.
It'd be nice. I was by your house.
I said, hey, I'd love to buy you lunch. Yeah.
Nothing. And then where are we going to go? Crave? That's all you want to eat.

Speaker 2 For breakfast, I like that place. I was going to take you for sushi.
I just tested him. Did you see his?

Speaker 2 Did you see him raise him? Because you lead me down a little bit. Juliana.
Juliana. Jules.

Speaker 2 No, Juliana, right?

Speaker 2 That was a test. That was a test.
And I wanted to see if, and I knew it would go up. And so, everyone listening right now, you know that when Andrew and I had that argument the other night, right?

Speaker 2 I was fucking Stephen Segal Namaste.

Speaker 2 Hello? How are you? And then all of a sudden, Bob, you're you're a fat. And I was like,

Speaker 2 that's what gets me up there. Right.

Speaker 2 I said, hi, Bobby. I actually did that British thing.
I go, hello, sweetheart. And you go,

Speaker 2 and then you started talking. And then you talk to Smack.
And I'm not going to say what you said because we can't say it on air who we're talking about. Oh, really?

Speaker 2 I'm not going to talk about those.

Speaker 2 Do you know the reason why we can't talk about it is because you were about to lie and the information didn't get in your head? No, because

Speaker 2 I'm not going to mention names about who you are. You live in the make-believe land.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you something, Pat. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm going to beat you on camera. I'm going to beat your ass.

Speaker 2 I'll beat that happy place. Here's it out.

Speaker 2 Here's the proof.

Speaker 2 A man who has anger issues always resorts to violence

Speaker 2 against another man who frustrates him. No.
Never, Rudy. Listen, Rudy, I would never hurt you unless, of course, you made me break your leg.
I'm in the happy place. And I would have to be like you.

Speaker 2 You're breaking the happy place right now, dude. Right? You're in a fucking dark lands.
All right, put me in the happy place then. Put me there.
The only way you could be in my happy place.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. No, put me in the middle.
In the next month, in the next month, right? I need you to change. Because this whole bull, this all this bullshit about me smoking, texting people back.

Speaker 2 I need to improve your life, this and that. Oh, so it's all bullshit? No, it is real, but maybe you should be looking at your own issues as well.
Okay, my anger towards you. Yeah.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 2 I will do that. Thank you.

Speaker 2 I will do that. Thank you.
I'm going to look deep at it. Deep.
Deep at it. Go deep.
Go deep. Maybe respond to a lunch text.

Speaker 2 You know, if you were one of the, you know, kindred spirits

Speaker 2 that were in my happy place, then maybe I would have responded to it.

Speaker 2 George, turn your mic down. No, no, no, no, no, see.
Because I'm going to lose it on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm going to go off on you, dude. Go off.
This is what I want. Maybe I'll learn.
Go ahead. Teach me.
No. We tried last week.
No, go ahead. Get off.

Speaker 2 You got frustrated when me and Griff, we ganged up on you. Yeah, yeah.
And I'm going to say this. Look at all the comments.
Right?

Speaker 2 Because you're telling them what they say. No, the truth.
The truth is you provoke me. No, I don't provoke anybody.
And everyone listening. Everyone.
He doesn't respond to the body.

Speaker 2 People listening to him. He's late every day.
People listening right now. Oh, whose voice is going on? No, I'm just because I, because this is interesting.

Speaker 2 People listening.

Speaker 2 This is playful. This is playful.
It really is. It doesn't come from from anger.
And people know this.

Speaker 2 People listening, right, hear, they have eyes, they have their own opinions, they have their own filters of how they ingest information. Nope.
And what everyone realizes is this.

Speaker 2 The thing is, is this. What is the thing? The thing is, is this.
What is it?

Speaker 2 Is I'm the jolly guy. I'm the happy guy.

Speaker 2 I am.

Speaker 2 I'm the sweet guy.

Speaker 2 You're the angry guy. Yeah.
Who makes me angry? You're the dark guy. Who makes me angry? You're the guy that has a temperament.
George.

Speaker 2 George,

Speaker 2 do I get angry at you, George?

Speaker 2 No. Yes, George? I don't get angry at George.
George?

Speaker 2 George? Yes, Bob.

Speaker 2 You're playing with fire right now. That's me.
I'm fire. And I don't get angry at you either.
Do I, George?

Speaker 2 Who's defended you, George? This has nothing to do with it. Yes, it does.
Who defends you, George? No, no.

Speaker 6 He yells at me all the time, Bob.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 6 It's just for no reason sometimes.

Speaker 2 George, you're as yellow as your hair. You yellow-bellied, chicken-shit nerd.
Look at that. Likable.

Speaker 2 No, you manipulate people

Speaker 2 to make people think you're likable. You're very simple.

Speaker 2 Simple, yes. Up here, you're very simple.
You're a simple man. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You have to resort to name-calling. No, I just mean you're simple.
There's not a lot going on. I'm not saying that I'm not a dumb guy.
No, I'm not. No, I'm not at all.
You're a simple man.

Speaker 2 You're very simple.

Speaker 2 Your two modes, sleep and slavin.

Speaker 2 Resort to that. I'm going to look deep into myself and find out why I'm so mad at you.
Yeah, that's your baseline. But I can't wait to be on a bus with you and go on a little tour.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's going to be great.

Speaker 2 The amount of fights we're going to do. I don't think we'll fight.
You know, and we probably won't fight.

Speaker 2 It's funny, too. And I just want to add this.

Speaker 2 And we have testing, by the way, we're going to have anal corona testing. Do you know if you test in the butt, it goes faster? Does it really? I swear to God.
Twice as fast if you go in your butt.

Speaker 2 If you go to your local testing site, by the way, this is knowledge I learned this week. If they try to put it up your nose, ask for an anal cavity, or what do they call it? They call it a.

Speaker 2 I'm serious. What's it called? What is that called when they test in your butt like a thermometer in your toes? I'm not doing that.

Speaker 2 I'm just doing the nose. The results go twice as fast.
I'm not doing the nose thing. The guy said, Can I put it in your nose? I said, I'd rather you put it in my head.
I feel like it's a trick.

Speaker 2 I feel like this is what's going to happen, right? Have you ever heard of a thermometer in your life? Stop. Stop for a second.

Speaker 2 You're getting aggressive again. Calm down.
Namaste. I'm in the happy place.
Okay. I'm not there for you.
I don't care. It's a matter.
All right. Okay.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 bend over, Bob. Okay.

Speaker 2 Do you feel the

Speaker 2 the metal thing in your asshole? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's going to take about four minutes. Just hold on.
Yep. Right.
Let it sit there. Right.
You pull it out, right?

Speaker 2 Right. And I pull my pants back up.
And then you're going to go, ah,

Speaker 2 you fell for it.

Speaker 2 I've been down this fucking road. I've been in this rodeo before.

Speaker 2 You've had people put stuff in your butthole. I've been in this rodeo before.
How many people put stuff in your butthole and you didn't know? Four or five times in my lifetime.

Speaker 2 I've done this rodeo before. I learned my lesson the first time, right? You're not sticking anything in my asshole and then tricking me.
Come on, Bob. No.
Please.

Speaker 2 I'm going to do the nose thing, and that's the only test I'll have a common nose test then. And I'm still disappointed that Rudy's not going to come.
Yeah. Well, she is going to do Irvine.

Speaker 2 We're going to do Irvine in a drive-thru. We're going to do podcasts at the Spectrum.
Yeah. Drive-through.
We can't say that. And

Speaker 2 Rudy's going to do a couple of monologues from her favorite movies. Oh, yeah.
Are you? Yeah. You do the monologues, yeah.
You do some anime monologue? She's just an anime monologue.

Speaker 2 She's going to do a whole dance routine, the Cardi B thing that you've been working on. Oh, WAP? You're doing WAP? Yeah, yeah.
The Cardi B. Are you really doing WAP? Yeah, she's gonna do the WAP.

Speaker 2 Oh, I think Kalila and I are practicing. Yeah, what's the song? Let me say something right now.
What's the song that you guys were dancing to? WAP. No, but what's a song?

Speaker 2 Wed

Speaker 2 as.

Speaker 2 OC.

Speaker 2 You just made a lot of people mad.

Speaker 2 It's the song. Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay. If that's what you say, I can't even say the name because I'm Christian.

Speaker 2 Ends up doing James with James Cord with Jim Carrey. Remember, you did that with Al Magrigal? Yeah, they just posted it.

Speaker 2 Now look at you now.

Speaker 2 Did I go up or down? Angry. No, I was happy.

Speaker 2 I'm happier here than I was there. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Where did that James Corden come from?

Speaker 2 I saw Al Magrigal post. He did post about it when he was on.
Yeah, he was on me, him.

Speaker 2 I got a little envious. That was me, Al.
And Jim Carrey. And Jim Carrey.
And Eric Griffin. And James Corden.
Griff was on.

Speaker 2 He did stand-up. He didn't have the.

Speaker 2 He was in the photo. Well, we were on the couch, and he did stand-up on the show.
Oh, right. Griffin did? But they didn't let him sit on the couch.
Of course they didn't.

Speaker 2 There's a weight limit on the couch. Of course they didn't.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. No, seriously, they didn't let him sit on the couch because there wasn't any room.
But he did stand up and he ripped. He murdered.
You like James Gordon? Do I like him? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't know him. Was his show.

Speaker 2 You've done a late-night show? He produced Game On. Yeah, they do.
I love him.

Speaker 2 But he's nice to to me as a guy. He's a good guy.
The show is weird. I don't know how to do late night shows.
Yeah. I've never been invited, so I wouldn't know.

Speaker 2 Well, you think I got invited? You were on it. I saw it.
It was Jim Carrey's coattail holding on for a while. Oh, yeah.
Going in with one of the biggest comedy fucking stars.

Speaker 2 I know, but it had nothing to do with me. It was Jim.
They were like, they were like, can we get Jim? And they're like, yeah, can we get Alan Santino too? And they were like, fine. It's amazing.

Speaker 2 You looked handsome. Thank you.
It was nice. I looked good.
You guys were on TV.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was nice. Yeah, I've never been invited to any of that show.
To a late-night show?

Speaker 2 I did the tonight show in 2000, but that was a young comic. Not on the couch.
You did stand up. He did call me on the couch.
Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Leno? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wow. Well, let's pretend like you're on the tonight show now.
Ready? Yeah. I'm Jimmy Fallon.
All right. You ready? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, I got a good one. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
Today, oh, you're going to love this guy. You're going to love this guy.
This guy's great. This guy is on podcast right now called Bad Friends.

Speaker 2 It's a great one. He's got his podcast at Tiger Valley.
Also a great one. This guy's also on a game show right now.
It's awesome. He's selling a show.
He sold a show.

Speaker 2 This guy is going to be bigger than he's already. He's already big.
He's already big. Ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Lee.
Bobby Lee.

Speaker 2 Hey, man. Hey, you fucking white fucking tard.

Speaker 2 You tardo.

Speaker 2 Bobby Bobby. Look at your buggy eyes.
I remember you back in the day, bro. What's going on, man? We didn't think you were going to make it.
No. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You did. I made it.
Yeah. Yeah, I got the roots.
I got the roots. You got the roots.
I got the roots. Hey, Root.

Speaker 2 Say hi, Roots. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Anyway, good to be you, fucking Tardo. Hey, great to be here, Bob.
Great to be here. So tell us.
It's been so long. So you were telling me before the show.
Yeah. You just got a new turtle.

Speaker 2 Okay. That's it.
That's what the shows are like. They're really hard.
I hate it. So you told our producers about, you have to tell them a setup.

Speaker 2 I hate it. And if you don't stick to the setup, they go like this.
They go like, ready? Yeah.

Speaker 2 What about this fish story? Tell us the fish story. What happened? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then they go. And they go, oh, man, it was crazy.
My wife and I, my daughter wanted a fish. You know how y'all kids want fish? Yeah.
It was crazy.

Speaker 2 We went to the fish store and we got one of those clownfish from the...

Speaker 2 Clownfish. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Nemo. Nemo.
Yeah, yeah. I did a voice on that movie, by the way.
You did? Yeah,

Speaker 2 I was the crabfish. I was the crabfish.

Speaker 2 Anyway, crazy story, man. So we,

Speaker 2 you put the, you know, the fish in the tank. Inside it.
Wait a minute. Right.
My brother Billy came over and put tequila in the tank.

Speaker 2 the fish drunk

Speaker 2 that's what they're looking like that's exactly what yeah yeah yeah yeah and um meanwhile no kids no fish no brother yeah he made the whole thing up made the whole thing up he's a single guy he lives in a studio

Speaker 2 he made the whole thing up just so that he can get a story on

Speaker 2 and here's the thing about um the difference between that and podcasting it's everything

Speaker 2 Because we're not, you know. Well, what about what Andrew Schultz is doing? He's podcasting kind of like a late night show, but he's doing his own monologue.

Speaker 2 Well, Andrew Schultz is, you know, I know him. He's done yours.
He's done mine.

Speaker 2 I love him. Yeah, right.

Speaker 2 But he's a special kind of a kid. Right.
Right. He just is.
He's got something different. He also taught me that, like, because, you know,

Speaker 2 me and there's a couple of other guys at my age still want to get in Hollywood. What do you mean? You're in Hollywood.
No, I know. My point is that, like, we still want to, you know, rub elbows with.

Speaker 2 How come I can't get that audition? Oh, right. Oh, I wasn't invited to this, you know, and get bummed out.
You want to have Alice and Janny's phone number in your friend. Right.

Speaker 2 But Andrew taught me that, no, dude, you do it on your own. Yeah.
Why do those other things when you can make all the money on your own? Create your own franchise. Yeah, that's what we made.

Speaker 2 That's what we're doing. We made this from scratch.
And that's why I love the kid. Yeah, he's great.
Yeah. Have you been watching? I saw a documentary on Netflix the other day.
I couldn't believe it.

Speaker 2 It blew my mind. It's called Speed Cubers.

Speaker 2 How come we didn't talk about this? Did you see it? The Asian kid warms my soul. The way he loves the Australian kid, I cried.
When white people get autism,

Speaker 2 they count matchsticks. Okay.
No, be real. Okay, fine.
Yes. The Asian guy? Cars.
They love trains.

Speaker 2 The Asian guy can solve five seconds. He was the fastest.

Speaker 2 Even when we have autism, we're better. Yeah, you're better.
Yeah. In fact, you're way better with autism.
Yeah, we're even better than with autism. He broke five world records in one day.
I know.

Speaker 2 And you know what? He was still disappointed. I know.
The mom was. He cried.
It's okay. But I don't think the crying is the autism.
No, it's not. It's being Asian.
It's Asian.

Speaker 2 It's being like, I didn't do it good enough. He knows he let down.
That's his inner Asian voice, right?

Speaker 2 But dude, when I first, because I've had a Rubit's Cube since my sophomore year, still, I still have it. Never saw that.
Never solved that. Same.
Never have, I've tried. Every day I pick it up.

Speaker 2 And I try. I work on it for about an hour.
Yeah. Never.

Speaker 2 Six, five seconds. The closest I've ever come.
Yeah. You know how you watch with it.

Speaker 2 So it's this, this and they also spin with their bottom fingers yeah so the closest i ever come was one time i got high yeah and i did it and i just and i was like i'm not even gonna look at it i'm just gonna do what they do and i and i get pretty close you did yeah i mean it was like i was off but it was still close i did this one closer than when i try it my friend randy growing up right he had solved it in like a week so i got a rubio's cube and i

Speaker 2 you can clip off the fucking the pieces the pieces and put them back together i put it back together like legos you're like couldn't do it i didn't even even know how it would work at first.

Speaker 2 Okay, here's how lame I was. After we watched that, I googled and YouTubed how to solve my Rubik's Cube.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I spent hours trying to figure it out.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 In fact, I got worse Googling because I'm not good at math. I'm not good at math.
I don't know how to do it. It's all math.
It's a math equation. But you know what?

Speaker 2 I love it about the kid, the Australian kid? How nice he is. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 I wish that was us. That is us.
That's not us. We're the opposite of this.
No, no, no.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, you're right. The Asian guy looks, the Asian guy in the Max Park

Speaker 2 looks at the Australian kid with just doughy eyes and looks up to him. You do that to me.
No, I think you're garbage. No, you do that to me.
I kind of do, I guess. You do that to me.
You love me.

Speaker 2 I guess I do. And you know what I do to you? What is the Australian kid's name? What's his name? I forgot his name.
It's called Speed Cubers. Is that what it is? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Dude, what he does, oh, God, it's so sweet. It's just the cutest thing in the world.
It's Max Park and Felkis Zemdegs. And Felkus Zemdegs is me.
And you you know what he does to Max?

Speaker 2 He treats him like a brother and shows him and teaches him. I do that to you.
No, but I show you, I teach you. He does it because.

Speaker 2 The only reason he brushes his teeth is because Felkis brushes his teeth. He said that.
This is the right one.

Speaker 2 You're right. I'm helping you guys.
You nailed it. You nailed it.
Yeah. Because so Falcus knows.
This is them together. Let me just finish.
Yeah, go ahead. I just want to show them together.

Speaker 2 Falcus knows

Speaker 2 that Max Park has so much more talent than him.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's what it is. No.
And looks at him and he goes, I need to be nice to this kid, right? Because I don't have the skill level anymore. No.
That's what it is.

Speaker 2 No, Felkus had his run for a long, for 10 years. Congratulations.
You had your run. I had my run.
Mal Magical U, Jim Carrey. Right.
The reason that Felkus is so nice to Mark.

Speaker 2 The reason that Felkus is so nice to Max Park, do you know why? Because Max.

Speaker 2 Max might lose a tournament to the next best thing that comes because it's coming. Everyone gets replaced, right? Felkus got replaced by Max.
Max has got someone on his tails. Remember the little fat?

Speaker 2 So Max has a Kenjung. Exactly.

Speaker 2 Max has a Kenjung. And so Felcus is nice because when Max loses it and

Speaker 2 he's on the good side of the gun. Right.
Right? I know that's it. Elliot Rodgers.
You think he's going to do an Elliott Rodgers? Yep. Wow.

Speaker 2 When he snaps, when you snap, I know I'm going to be on the good side of the gun. Oh, did you? Yeah.
When you lose it. That's why I'm always nice to like the weirdo, the guys that are going to snap

Speaker 2 because i don't want to be the guy like who's the weirdo do you think in the comedy store that would snap that would be like the snappy lose it guy oh my god there's so many um um i think tony hinchcliffe for sure he could snap there is a rage in him yeah that's bubbling over yeah and a lot of things would have to happen kill tony would have to just be gone he'd have to go about five or six years with not working yeah but then he'll get to that place of like he'll snap he'll kill writing on the walls and lipstick and stuff yeah yeah he he's a Batman villain.

Speaker 2 But you and I are on the good list with him, so we're good. I don't know with me.
Do you think he'll kill him? He might. Really? Yeah.
But you're with me. We're Purple Sign.
What about Rick Ingram?

Speaker 2 No. I don't think so.
I don't think so. No, no, too good.
No. He's too good.
Too funny. He's too funny.
Too funny to let it get ahead of him. Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, and you know what? And he's got a family now. He got a little baby, so he can't do it.
You got to have some. But if the elements are, if the baby's gone, right?

Speaker 2 God willing. I don't want to talk about it.
But let's say, in a hypothetical. Let's say we kidnap the baby.
Or the baby just, you know, implodes. it explodes it implodes

Speaker 2 like a black hole yeah

Speaker 2 yeah right implodes and just disappears maybe goes to the a different dimension

Speaker 2 right so it doesn't really die yeah but he's floating in some purple goo

Speaker 2 oh yeah it's above

Speaker 2 ether in ether yeah it's a baby goo ether he's happy there but anyway um and then like rick um and then their stand-up is completely gone because he wasn't much of an actor no he well he no he was he did a he he did a, um, he did a episode of I'm Dying Up here, and he was great.

Speaker 2 Oh, he did? Yeah, he was really good. Oh, I love that guy so much.
He's the best. Do you know who hit me up on Instagram, by the way, and is trying to start some beef with us? Who?

Speaker 2 Buddy of yours moved to New York, Mr. Bike Guy.
I call him Mr. Bike Boy.
Nick Youssef? Yeah, he's trying to start some beef with us, dude. Nikki.
Do we need to fight Nick Youssef?

Speaker 2 Is that what's going on? Here's the thing with Nikki. No, I know.
He's starting some beef. He goes,

Speaker 2 he tells me he's coming after you. He's ready to end you.
Yeah, Nikki. Listen, Nikki.
Listen up, Nikki. Nikki, I've given this fool so many years of work,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 He's a sad hipster. He's a sipster? Yeah.

Speaker 2 He likes his raw denim. Yeah, he does.
He likes his hand the ball mustaches. Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 Sometimes, remember that one time he bleached his hair blue? Yeah. Like he's a fucking future joker.
But he's, you know what? You know he can get away with it? Why? Good-looking dude, man.

Speaker 2 He dated that porn star for a long time. Or dated two porn stars, right? A couple porn stars.
Come on. You know, he's a good-looking dude.
He's tall. He loves, I hate it.

Speaker 2 i hate it when he goes to mom and pop coffee shops i think he goes oh this is a great fucking latte

Speaker 2 talk about a flat white yeah he looks incredible yeah but he's starting beef with you for some reason online because he asked he called me because it's one of those things where i didn't text him back oh

Speaker 2 it is one of those things so it's uh he texts me like hey i'm going through some tax problems can i get your number to your accountant you i would never call you for tax problem accountant i know exactly that there we go that's his first bad but then you should send him a video of me going, why are you calling Bobby?

Speaker 2 I don't even want to go through the motion. Right, smart.
Yeah. It's here's another Skylar Stone.
You know Skylar. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Skylar texted me the other day.

Speaker 2 Hey, it's Jay Moore's birthday. I'm creating a

Speaker 2 compilation of happy birthday greetings. And I'm editing it now.
Can you send one? I don't respond. Jay Moore's birthday? Yeah.

Speaker 2 So he's doing like so I'm gonna go and then you do it because I've done it before. Hey, hey Jay, it's me, Bobby.
I saw you a couple days anyway. Happy birthday.
I love you, buddy.

Speaker 2 And then you send it and you're in some stupid fucking collage of fucking bullshit.

Speaker 2 So Nick goes, give me your tax. I need a tax guy.
And I don't even want to deal with it. So then I just never return.
But he did it every day for like a month.

Speaker 2 He texted me every day. I'm real desperate, buddy.

Speaker 2 You are the last person. He's

Speaker 2 on him. It's the wrong move.
It's on him. It's it on him.
Nick, get your shit together. There's no way to call bot.
Of all the guys in the store that you would call for tax stuff, first of all.

Speaker 2 This is who I am. The other day, what did I do? Almost caught the fuck house on fire.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So, you know what? What? We almost did too. Because the gas guy was fixing my water heater.
Yeah. And I'm not kidding.
His face was an inch away from it. And I'm going to reenact it.

Speaker 2 He was a little, he's a little tiny Irish guy. He's probably like, you know, 5'2.
Yeah. And he goes like this.

Speaker 2 He goes, yeah, these burners, sometimes they just, you know, sometimes the burners, their connections are bad with the gas. And he goes,

Speaker 2 and it goes,

Speaker 2 and it shoots a fireball. And he goes, whoa!

Speaker 2 Whoa!

Speaker 2 I swear to God. I love it when dudes like that.

Speaker 2 His glasses are all off.

Speaker 2 When they almost die. Yeah, dude.
I go, I go, get away from the thing. And he goes, oh, it's cool.
It's fine. It's fine.
I've never seen that before.

Speaker 2 And there's huge, dude, a fireball this big shot out of it. Something like you see in anime.
One of your little anime videos. A fireball.
And he just goes,

Speaker 2 he couldn't care less. He put his head right back down underneath it again.
Yeah. I can't believe guys do that.
Wait, okay, when you said that, was the noise again? What do you mean?

Speaker 2 The guy? Give me the noise again. Whoa! Okay, dudes do that, right? But you know what drives Kalele crazy? When white dudes go like this.
Woo! Oh, yeah. Woo! Yeah, like they're excited.

Speaker 2 There's a fucking, there's a commercial with Forrest Griffin, the fighter. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 It's a car commercial where

Speaker 2 a guy walks into a car. I just want to explain it to the audience, right? And Francis Nganu, right, is in the car.
He goes, wow, there's a UFC fighter in my car.

Speaker 2 And the dealer goes, yeah, well, if you buy a car, you get, you know, it comes with a UFC fighter, right? So the girl goes, she's two guys, you know, I think it was Pettis and

Speaker 2 I forgot the other guy. And they're right, but Forrest Griffin is like a mechanic on the side.
She goes, I'll take that one. And he has a coffee mic and goes, woo, like that.

Speaker 2 And it repeats, but it gives Kalila PTSD. But every time it comes on, I drag her in the room to watch it.
It drives her fucking crazy. There's so many commercials that get under my skin, though.

Speaker 2 I see the same ones on loop over and over again. It kills me.
The worst.

Speaker 2 And I'm sure she's a nice lady it's that girl that does either t-mobile or something

Speaker 2 she's a girl it's not not not at t not not

Speaker 2 not uh uh

Speaker 2 stephanie courtney no no no no at t is um uh melania weintraub do you know her right then maybe that's her look her up melania yeah melania weintraub she's the it's trump's ex-ex another melania

Speaker 2 That's her. That's Melania Weintraub.
She does the AT ⁇ T commercials. You've never seen it.
That's you're talking about, right? I don't know.

Speaker 2 In the commercials, that's not what she looks like. Yeah, that's her.
Her.

Speaker 2 Yeah, this is the AT ⁇ T.

Speaker 2 She doesn't bother me. I think she's super sweet.
She looks very different.

Speaker 2 She's like the new 5G roller. Yeah, right.
But there's one where it drives me crazy. She's a comic.
She is? Yeah, she's a comic. She'll sketch and improv.
Oh, okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 There's this one where she dresses up a guitar or something with a mustache. That's my new best friend.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 And it cuts back to her and she goes, and she sees a cup with another mustache she goes sorry sally

Speaker 2 like you know

Speaker 2 and i don't like it

Speaker 2 it bothers me

Speaker 2 like because in in no world is that yeah even remotely funny yeah like there's there's no way to get anyone in a room but they gave her millions and go no it's not her fault right you know what i mean some guy wrote that yeah some some dude did copy and was like yeah losing it

Speaker 2 What? Check this out. Yeah, what?

Speaker 2 So you're going to save the best friend with the guitar with the mustache, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know,

Speaker 2 there's going to be another couple with a mustache. It's going to hurt its feelings.

Speaker 2 We'll be right back with Jimmy Fallon at Tonight Show right after these messages. Yeah.
I mean, it's like... Do you know what's going on with her, by the way? She speaks out about her milkies.

Speaker 2 People are calling her boob milkies.

Speaker 2 She spoke out pretty publicly about it because

Speaker 2 she, I guess she was saying, like, people were talking about her her cleavage from the commercial and she went live on Instagram. Are you woman?

Speaker 7 Yeah, I mean reporting them all is

Speaker 7 it's honestly, there's like so many more of them than I have time to report.

Speaker 7 Here's how to handle. Make your milkers your identity.
Once you show people their words have the power to hurt you, they'll never stop doing it.

Speaker 2 Ah.

Speaker 7 So just so this is actually like showing people my my weaknesses Showing people that I have feelings is actually just going to make people want to hurt my feelings.

Speaker 2 So people are calling her boobs milkers or milkies. So what? It's a nickname.

Speaker 7 It's a milkies that will disappear.

Speaker 2 And she's okay, right? She's saying she's getting harassed constantly by people going, show your milkies and

Speaker 2 show your milkers or whatever. Listen,

Speaker 2 no matter who you are

Speaker 2 as a female in entertainment, you're going to get that from trolls. on the internet.
Constantly. They're going to say everything they can.
What Kalila goes through, the shit that she reads me.

Speaker 2 Do they say stuff about her body? Oh, yeah, her body. Yeah, you know, the words is she's only with you because you have money.

Speaker 2 And I, and I've

Speaker 2 said that one time, by the way. I've only commented on that.
I know, let me say that, Jules. Okay, you know how disgusting I am.
Yeah, right? Yeah. Yeah.
You know how

Speaker 2 filthy I am. Yeah.
And my behavior is erratic and almost difficult to live with. Right?

Speaker 2 Nobody would live there with me unless they truly did love me, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah. I mean,

Speaker 2 I know that. That's why I purposely go funky.

Speaker 2 I purposely live disgustingly to just test her love. Yeah, I mean, I don't know if that's the solution, but I do know what you're saying.

Speaker 2 Let me show you the commercial that you don't like. Okay.
This is it. I found it.
Okay.

Speaker 8 Hey, Lily from AT ⁇ T here. I'm back.
And while most stores are open, I'm working from home and here to to help. Here's a tip.

Speaker 8 Get half off the amazing iPhone 11 on AT ⁇ T, America's fastest network for iPhones.

Speaker 8 Second tip, you can put googly eyes on your stuff to keep yourself company. For example, that's Geraldo.
He's my best friend. Oh, sorry, Nancy, I forgot you were there.

Speaker 2 Get the amazing iPhone 11.

Speaker 2 See, it appeals to idiots. He's going to go buy an iPhone 11 because of that.
Did you really laugh at that, George? Oh, that is so stupid. He loves it.
I'm telling you.

Speaker 2 Stupid America loves this stuff. Have you seen Reddit Glorp?

Speaker 6 We can't show any of it on the show, but Glorp is my favorite subreddit.

Speaker 2 G-L-O-R-P? Yep. What's Glorp?

Speaker 2 This is it?

Speaker 6 It's a subreddit that puts googly eyes on sex things.

Speaker 6 They put googly eyes on penises, googly eyes on vaginas, googly eyes on like

Speaker 6 mixers that go in vaginas, and then the googly eyes get all funny looking.

Speaker 2 Do you see that? That's hilarious. This guy loves.

Speaker 2 Yep, see, look at that. No.
Okay, that's very. We can't show it, but that's

Speaker 2 an evil can evil penis.

Speaker 2 Okay, all right, all right, all right.

Speaker 2 But that's not

Speaker 2 a coffee market. Okay, if that was in the ATT commercial, you would have laughed.
I would have been like, bad, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna ferriza. I'm switching over.

Speaker 2 That's great. Like, imagine if the middle of this podcast, yeah, in the middle of this podcast,

Speaker 2 if I just, if my penis came,

Speaker 2 if my penis came up from the desk and it just had googly eyes. Oh, my God.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'm like, yeah. I mean, dude, that's, give me some more.
Yeah. Give me some more googloos.

Speaker 2 What is that? What the fuck is that? I don't know.

Speaker 2 That's very funny. That's great.

Speaker 2 That's real funny. That's hilarious.

Speaker 2 What's up, Johnny?

Speaker 2 That is very funny. Feel their voice.

Speaker 2 This one, they dress up. They put

Speaker 2 Princess Leia. On a dildo.
On a dildo. We're not going to be able to show any of this, huh, George? Nope.
Nah. No.
They can find it on their own. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Dude, that's insane.

Speaker 2 Was that a vagina?

Speaker 2 Where? No. No, go down no the sideways one yeah the sideways right right down with the big eyes sideways go down scroll down more that right there

Speaker 2 no no that's a cut in someone's arm that's stitches oh it is yeah oh shit that's not good googly oh this is one on a flashlight that's very funny that's very funny that's really cute god that's funny that's really funny googly eyes on penises is very funny guys

Speaker 2 this evil can evil might be the funniest thing i've ever seen in my life it's so great and it looks it looks like a real character And the helmet's perfectly rested on the penis.

Speaker 2 It's like a squid character in some sort of like... It's like a cartoon.
Yeah, it's really cute. If we do animated,

Speaker 2 you and I should be penises, animated. Yeah.
Our own penises or somebody else? Ours. Yeah, nah.
It would work. I'd be taller.
You'd be short.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it would be. Mine would look like it was been in a fire.
But mine is the exact same skin tone as me. It has freckles.
It's pink. Yeah, mine is just like, it has nine different colors.

Speaker 2 Ask anybody. I don't like it.
Rainbow.

Speaker 2 Rainbow pen. Yeah.
Oh, wait. By the way, skip back.
I watched another documentary. You reminded me when you said Cubers.

Speaker 2 I watched another one called John Tries to Contact Space or Tries to John Tries to Something in Space.

Speaker 2 It's going to throw you for the biggest loop, and I don't want to ruin it for anybody.

Speaker 2 This guy has outfitted his entire

Speaker 2 grandparents' house

Speaker 2 with equipment to talk to space for like 50 years. The whole house is equipment trying to speak to space, and he sends music every day.
He does like a podcast.

Speaker 2 He did a podcast where a podcast were a thing and he podcasts out to space to nobody.

Speaker 2 He threw his life away. No, wait till you watch it.
Watch it. Watch it.
He threw his fucking life away. No, he didn't.
You know how cute he was back in the 70s? He's still a cutie patootie.

Speaker 2 No, back in the day, he could have been fucking

Speaker 2 a roadie for the Black Crows. I don't know.

Speaker 2 This is more important to him. He didn't do it yet.

Speaker 2 Watch the documentary. He's trying to contact AD.
But has he done it yet? No.

Speaker 2 Well, then it didn't work. But it worked.
He threw it away.

Speaker 2 but it worked for something else no pussy look at me no pussy it worked for something else no money no pussy do you want me to ruin it should i just ruin the whole thing no

Speaker 2 stop for instance no you don't have to ruin it okay because you're you're guessing wrong stuff i know i'm just saying

Speaker 2 let me ask you a question

Speaker 2 did he get a lot of money from it no he lost a lot of money

Speaker 2 obviously

Speaker 2 poor grandparents too probably their money their yeah he actually killed them and used the insurance money whatever

Speaker 2 number two is he married children

Speaker 2 I'm saying, do you want me to ruin the end of it or no?

Speaker 2 Do you want me to ruin the end of it or no? Yeah, ruin. I don't care.

Speaker 2 Okay, for people at home, it's a spoiler. Okay.
You're going to have to turn your volume off now.

Speaker 2 In three-quarters of the way through, it's only 17 minutes long. They reveal to you he's gay.

Speaker 2 And you won't believe this. What? The guy he falls in love with? Yeah.
Looks exactly like him.

Speaker 2 And he loves space shit. He found love on Earth trying to look for aliens.

Speaker 2 Okay. So he found Dick.

Speaker 2 He found Dick. Yeah, it worked.
But no aliens. No aliens.
Dicks look like aliens. Dicks look like aliens.
That's true.

Speaker 2 There we go. So he did.
That's fine. So he did.
He found love. Okay.

Speaker 2 Congratulations. You know what that means to me? And this means, and this is, everyone, listen up.
This is a life lesson. Yeah.

Speaker 2 If you do what you love,

Speaker 2 love will find you.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 let let me add on to what you love. Let me add lovely.
Let me add on to that, Red. Let me add on to that, right? Please.
Will there ever be a Netflix documentary about me? Probably not.

Speaker 2 Yes, there will. Yes, there will.
I'm making it.

Speaker 2 What's it called? What's it called?

Speaker 2 Hold on. Yeah.
Your Netflix documentary when you're dead. Yeah.
I will make it. It'll be called

Speaker 2 a childlike essence,

Speaker 2 an elf-like body,

Speaker 2 and a noodle-like

Speaker 2 brain.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 A man, a boy, a noodle.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend. Fuck you.
Thank you for being a bad friend. Fuck you.
Hold on, hold on. If my Netflix documentary was about you, seriously,

Speaker 2 it would be called

Speaker 2 Blissfully Unaware.

Speaker 2 The Bobby Lee story.

Speaker 2 Because of your lack of awareness of nonsense, you don't let it get in your way. It's beautiful.
You know when they say ignorance is bliss? That's you.

Speaker 2 You don't know. You don't need to know.
How much does a car tire cost?

Speaker 2 How much?

Speaker 2 A car tire? Yeah, how much? One car tire? Go. You're Prius.
I would spend...

Speaker 2 I think if I spent over $1,000 on a car tire, I'd be like, I think I'm just too much. You think that's too much? Yeah.
So you're saying just under $1,000 is a car tire?

Speaker 2 I would say anywhere between $500 and $1,000. Okay.

Speaker 2 Just let's show the world real quick.

Speaker 2 How much does a car tire for a Prius?

Speaker 2 Cost. Rudy, guess.

Speaker 2 Don't look. Close your eyes while I'm Googling it.
$20?

Speaker 2 $20 what?

Speaker 8 $20.

Speaker 2 For $50? For a car, for a $20. No, you said $20.
I said $500. $20, $500.
Where is it? Tell me. Wait, seriously? $20 American dollars? Yeah.
She listed from the

Speaker 2 Philippines. How do you say Petacene? Okay.

Speaker 2 The average car tire here, like let's do this Milestar radial thing. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 On Amazon, one tire.

Speaker 2 Oh, no, I was saying four tires. I said one tire, Bob.
No, I thought it came with a set. I swear to God.
Why would I think that one tire was $500?

Speaker 2 One tire here

Speaker 2 is,

Speaker 2 this says $70 just the time.

Speaker 2 Let's round that off. That's $400 for four tires.
You were not saying that. Yes, I know, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so.

Speaker 2 By the way, this can't be right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you want your documentary would be about? This is more about the numbers. $123, $200 a tire.
That's about right.

Speaker 2 $20?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I estimated from the Philippines.

Speaker 2 That's how much car tires are in the Philippines? Yeah. We got to move there.
I know. So that's right.
We're both right. You're both wrong.
The document I would make about you

Speaker 2 is called Finding the Red.

Speaker 2 Finding the Red. Yeah.
Oh, I love it. And the whole thing is about, because

Speaker 2 you,

Speaker 2 there's something that happened.

Speaker 2 You're a fucked up person. Mm-hmm.
Something happened in your past, right? And it's finding where the red, you know, the anger.

Speaker 2 No, see, you're making a mockery of it. I'm trying to be real

Speaker 2 See you're see you're making a mock you're making see you're making a mockery. So something did happen

Speaker 2 Yeah

Speaker 2 Yeah

Speaker 2 Did you see the trailer for the new Batman? I'm not done. It's called the Batman.
I know I saw it. I love it.
Look at me the batman. Yeah, I saw it.
Why are you switching topics?

Speaker 2 What do you want to know?

Speaker 2 What do you want to know what happened? That my father beat me senseless into a coma when I was seven? That he hit me with a car tire and I woke up four years later. Is that what you want to know?

Speaker 2 Is that what you want to hear? That's the documentary. How amazing is that?

Speaker 2 What a great documentary. The documentary would be about the four years that I was in the coma.
Yeah. What happened? Where did I go? I had a nightmare last night.

Speaker 2 Melissa Villa Sinura and I went to a theme park and she fell out of the ride.

Speaker 2 I swear to God. It was a gondola.
If you were in a coma, probably

Speaker 2 what happened is what happened to Uma Thurman and killed Bill. Everybody would have sex with me?

Speaker 2 Would you be there?

Speaker 2 I would do it just for the laughs.

Speaker 2 One, two, three. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 No, she needs to stay with us.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 I want her to lead it. You lead it right now.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.