Bobby Quits Smoking & WAP!

um i think i just won my taxes yeah i just switched to h&r block in about one minute all i had to do was drag and drop last year's return into h&r block and bam my information is automatically there so i don't have to go digging around for all my old papers to switch nope sounds like we just leveled up our tax game switching to h&r block is easy just drag and drop your last return. It's better with Block.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. How do you feel, Bob? I ain't going out like that.
I ain't going out like that. I ain't going out.
I ain't going out like that. I ain't going out like that.
I ain't going out.

I ain't going out like that.

I ain't going out like that.

I ain't going out.

It's actually, I ain't going out like that.

I ain't going out like that.

That's what it's like.

I have my own way of doing it, man.

It's like a fucking...

Yeah.

That's right.

Your hair.

Your hair looks ridiculous.

Like a dum-dum.

2012.

Off to a good start.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why is your hair like that?

Because to tell you...

I made him enough

where he couldn't refuse.

You wanted me to be Italian?

I'm an Italian gangster for you. Did you go swimming? Did you go swimming And you slicked your hair back? Yeah.
I was swimming in the pool today. Do we close that or no? That stays open? It can't go close right now because George is in there and he wants to be somewhere.
George is in today because Fancy B is on vacation. Vacation.
Listen, everyone listening, so we're setting up something. Something very special.

We might be going to a city near you.

We could be coming to a city near you very, very soon. Very soon.

And we're going to do live podcasts in every city.

One-nighters.

One-nighters with...

We take an RV.

Uh-huh.

With video accompaniment, with Q&A.

We got all sorts of stuff planned.

Yeah.

But guess what?

Guess what?

Bad Rudy can't go.

Wait, why?

Because she has school.

Online.

Yeah, but I have a full load. It's the attitude is glaring.
The way she said it, she goes, yeah, I have a full load. Also, don't say full load.
What a weird thing to say. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
A full load. Just say, I'm busy.
I'm busy. I'm busy.
How many classes do you have? Eight. Okay, that is a full load.
Yeah. Eight's a lot.
But also, it's online, so you don't think we're going to go to places where there's the internet? And actually, do you know what I just bought the other day? What? A mobile Wi-Fi hotspot. Like, I literally have the Wi-Fi hotspot for when we travel, so you can have high-speed Wi-Fi internet.
And the things also that we could teach you, you'll learn a lot more than in school. By far.
Yeah. Ask me a question, Jules.
I'll fucking give you the answer. Anything.
Ask him anything. What is the chemical? 1817.
Bam. The Declaration of Independence was by John Adams, and he created the Constitution within so that we have social justice because of the fact.
Because of the fact. Yeah.
And what do you think about that kid? Yeah, go ahead. Oh actually what was the question you were going to ask? Yeah, sorry.
What is the chemical formula of water? Oh, 4.2 over pi. Chemical formula of water? Let me, you obviously know what that is.
H2O? Yeah. Is that H2O? Look at, I looked at it because I didn't know.
Yeah. But did you believe I got that?

Yeah, it was good.

My eyes started vibrating.

Well, okay.

What's carbon dioxide?

CO2.

What's carbon monoxide?

C.

Get your ass in class.

Yeah.

You're not going.

Punk kid.

You're not going.

You need to learn.

Yeah.

Do you know how many elements on the periodic table are you aware of?

There's about 20. I don't know, 28? Don't look at me.
You're in school. We finished.
We finished, and also this book smart shit doesn't make you survive in the world. I'll give you real-life street fucking...
Street skills. Yeah.
Let's suppose you're walking down the street 2 in the morning you're on 6th and Western right and a homeless man goes hey kid come in this alleyway I have some candy what do you do do you like Twix I have Twix what do you do Jules I don't want to talk to him no you get the candy. It's free.
You get the candy. It's free.
You're not going to take free candy? Are you out of your fucking mind? Because here's what happens. You don't talk to him.
Watch this. You be the homeless guy, and I'm Jules, and I'll be when you don't talk to him.
All right. Watch what happens.
Well, first he does this. Hey.
Hey. Hey, brown, brown.
You're a brown little girl, huh? Yeah, yeah. I'm from Philippines.
Yeah, you're Philippines. Yes.
Yes. Hey.
Hey, brown brown. You're a brown little girl, huh? Yeah, yeah, from Philippines.
Yeah, you're Philippines, yeah. Yes, yes.
Hey, little girl. Yes.
Come in this alleyway, my home, and I got a bag full of candy for you. No.
Oh, what a loser. Boo! Boo! Loser.
You go, where's the candy? Yeah, what if he has a vault filled with a... What's your favorite candy? Nerds.
Nerds. Nerds.
Of all the good candy, you chose nerds. Nerds is...
It's just sand petals. Do they even make that anymore? No.
Yeah. Nerds, you don't like any chocolate.
You don't like... I like Reese's.

Okay, Reese's is good.

Reese's cups or bars?

Cups.

Do you want to read the lyrics of Wet Ass Pussy?

Well, I mean, I've never read it before.

I don't know if...

I guess...

But don't say all the cuss words in this.

Let's see if we can do an edited version of...

This is Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion.

And this is WAP.

This is the new song WAP.

I'll try to change some of the lyrics so that... Let's see what you get some of the lyrics so that it doesn't become, you know what I mean? Yeah.
Loose women in this house. No, no, don't sing it.
Don't do that. Don't do that.
All right. I don't know the song, so I can't.
Loose women in this house. There's some loose women in this house.
There's some loose women in this house. There's some loose women in this house There's some loose women in this house There's some loose women in this house Ho up I said certified freak Seven days a week Moist vagina puss Moist vagina make the pullout game weak.
Woo-ha!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's go.

You fucking sum.

No, you said the F word.

Oh, shit.

You freaking sum.

Moist vagina.

Bring a bucket and a mop for this moist vagina.

Give me everything you got for this moist

ass vagina.

Right?

Beat it up again. Get your charge.

Extra large

and extra hard. That's fine.

Put this vagina right in your face.

Swipe your nose like a credit

card. Hop on top.

I want a ride.

I do a kegel. It's inside.

Spit in my mouth. Look at my eyes.

This vagina is moist. Come take a dive.

Tie me up like I'm surprised.

Let's role play. I'll wear a disguise.

I want you to park that big Mack truck right in this little garage.

Make what? Make it cream. Make me scream.

Thank you. I want you to park that big Mack truck right in this little garage.
Make what?

Make it cream.

Make me scream.

In public, make a scene.

I don't cook.

I don't clean.

But let me tell you how I got this right.

Okay.

Aye, aye, aye.

Yeah, thank you.

Thank you.

I can't believe you're not going to be able to come on the little trip with us.

I know.

I'm a little bit bummed about that.

Who are we going to have to take? Well, she said that she would do stand-up at the Irvine show. You will? You'll come down? Yes, you will.
Yeah. We're doing Irvine for sure, right? Yeah.
Yeah, so we're going to be in front. What if she goes on stage with Andres? Oh, yeah.
They do a bit. It'll be called the Broken English Buds.
The Broken English Buds. And both of you can do stand-up together.
Would you like that? You don't have a choice. Yeah, you don't have a choice.
You don't have a choice. We're going to make you do it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to make you do it.
Look, she's so betrayed by me right now. Because in the car, she goes, don't talk about the show.
I'm not doing stand-up. You know what I mean? I'm like, I promise.
Why would you do that when you know we're going to talk about it then? No, because we made a deal with Dito Bobby. What's the deal? That I would lie for him.
Alright, stop. Wait, wait, wait.
Mom's the word, dude. So, I'm warning you right now.
But you already broke the deal. It doesn't matter.
I don't care about the deal. I don't give a shit about the deal.
Young lady, right? My word is fucking betray me right now You'll see what comes to you Okay Hey Mom's the word Say it, say mom's the word That's right She's so angry I can feel it You shouldn't have told him not to say something you know he's gonna say it she feels so betrayed no because he started it he said if you lie then I won't say anything right so you're creating an allegiance here I like that I think it's smart look Rudy do what's gonna benefit you the most yeah okay okay okay so now you're thinking Rudy you're thinking that I won't reveal the lie Okay. Okay.
Okay, so now you're thinking, Rudy, you're thinking that I won't reveal the lie on air. I will reveal the lie just to spite you.
Okay? So Sunday. Sunday.
Okay, I did the hypnosis. Okay.
How'd it go? It went great. Seriously? Yes.
Wow. But I think I fell i fell completely asleep that's okay no no but i don't think i was in deep sleep yeah but i think it's subconscious it didn't work it didn't work i don't think it worked you're smoking no that's not that being said no oh okay so he allowed me so monday i did a cooking show right so i did a cooking cooking show and I said, when I'm doing cooking shows, I need to smoke.
I get stressed out. When you do shoots, yeah.
All right. So then he allowed me to smoke Monday.
And then Tuesday I completely ran out of cigarettes. And he says – he said I can only smoke one cigarette a day.
So I ran out of cigarettes, but I had these gigantic ashtrays filled with

butts. Are you smoking butts?

So I think I smoked

the equivalent of one

cigarette, but it could have been 20 cigarettes.

I don't know. Because it was just butts.

Yeah, there was no way to measure butts.

I mean, I think

one butt...

I think to get one full cigarette, you'd smoke

six butts. How about that? One full – 20.
20 buts is one full cigarette? Yeah. That's insane.
I mean that's the scale I was using. Okay.
Okay. And then so – then I told her, I go, I'm only supposed to be down to one cigarette a day, but I think I'm not doing it right.
I said don't reveal that on the podcast. You just did.
I just did because I made

a deal with her that I wouldn't mention these things. So I had, I called myself out.
All right. Now we good then.
Are you mad still? I'm fine. You're fine now.
Partially. I feel she's might be partially mad.
Do you get along with the hypnotherapist? I love the guy. He's a great guy huh he's a great a great guy, but you know, I just I don't know.
I see

here's a thing

when I was in high

school, right? Yeah.

We had a hypnotist at the

high school. He did a show.

No, he did a show.

Like a guy came in to speak. So all the students go up

on stage and everyone's like, you know

everyone's supposed to be hypnotized. Johnny turns into a duck.
You guys are roosters, right? And I was on stage too. And I was going, doing it, but I knew I wasn't hypnotized.
Of course. I just wanted to do the rooster.
I think they pick people at those school things that they know are going to be showmen. They don't pick Rudy.
They pick you because they know you're going to do it. Right.
That's my theory. That's the thing.
They go, this guy's fun. Yeah.
He's going to be a goofball. The silly little china kid.
Yeah, look at him. That's what he's like.
The silly little china kid. He looks like somebody.
With the principal? Because he's smiling right now. Yeah, with the principal.
He's like, all right, check it out. I want the little china kid.
I want the tubby little china kid. Yeah, yeah.
I want the goofball with pimples with the red hair. I want him.
Yeah. And I want the loud, fat black kid.
I want them. Like, they pick people that they know are going to have fun.
There's no way. They don't pick quiet nerds.
Yeah, she wouldn't do it. Worst candy on earth.
They wouldn't pick quiet nerds. Yeah, they wouldn't pick her.
Because you wouldn't go along with it. The thing is that it's not as if they point to people and they go, you, the guy, kid in the back who's not raising his hand.
They ask for volunteers. And the ones that are volunteering are like, I'll do it, are the ones that are going to do it anyway.
Of course, because who else would do that? Right. Who would be the first person to go, oh, pick me? Because all the friends are going – I know everyone around you goes, Bobby, do it, Bobby.
And you're like, shut up. Do it.
I'm going to do it. All right.
I'll do it. And everyone's like, Bobby.
People did that, people did that didn't they yeah see and you're up there doing a rooster and then after the show people go he dude man you're crazy up there and then you you lie you go i know i didn't even know what i was doing see like like you know i didn't want to do it but all of a sudden i'm fucking acting like a fucking abdominal snowman and i feel like i might have feathers coming in soon. Yeah.
Does this guy,

do you trust this guy?

Like,

what if he hypnotized you

into doing some weird,

like,

this is my thought,

what if he gets you in there

and you're like deep in it

and he's like,

and you're gonna quit smoking

and you're gonna give me

your social security number

and your bank account.

Yeah.

Because you could use it for evil.

See,

that's the thing.

If he did that

and I was giving him

my social security card, my bank account and stuff like that, right, then I would be like, yes, hypnotism works. Right.
If he really did that. Yeah.
But let's make him do that then. Let's make him embezzle a couple hundred thousand dollars from you.
Right. And then we'll know it's real.
Yeah. Let's make him do something evil on you just to prove that it's real.
How about him – have him do something that's something I definitely don't want to do. The last thing I would do would suck Eric Griffin's dick.
That's the last – out of everything on planet Earth, right? Dead last. Where there is not to do.
Dead last. That's the last thing.
Okay. If he can convince me to suck that guy's dick, right, then he's the real deal.

Okay, maybe we need him to... It's going to be a lot more money.

What?

I think it's a lot more money to do sexual stuff, but we'll see what he says.

And then he does it, and then a week later, my mouth looks like the Joker.

And I go, it worked.

It worked.

Griffin had a good time in here.

Did you enjoy when Eric was in here?

Yeah, he's funny. Shut up, okay? He's not funny like we're funny.
Take it back right now. Say, we're funny.
You're funny. Thank you.
But don't say it. Don't say it if you don't believe it.
No, he is funny, right? Yeah, but you're also funny. Oh.
She didn't mean it. She didn't mean it.
Yeah, she didn't mean it. I did.
Rudy! Yeah. No, we love him.
I love Griff Dog. He had a good time, and people online were saying, you guys should have more often, and I said, maybe.
Yeah. Well, we're going to definitely have guests.
Yeah, we've got to start having some guests. We're going to start having some guests, and we'll figure that out.
You guys tell us who you want to see on the show. Yeah.
See, I just don't want people that have done other shows before. That's the problem.
It's like, you know. We got to get some people that never do podcasts.
Yeah. That would be really fun.
Like I was trying to get Ronda Rousey to do ours. She said no.
To Tiger Belly. Did she say no? She just didn't respond to me.
Ronda? Yeah, but I've been reaching out to people that, or like, you know, did you see this season's Alone? Yes. You finished it? Yeah, we're done.
So, Callie. Yes.
Do you know Callie? I know who she is. I don't know her personally.
But you know she's on the show? Yeah, you reached out to her? Yeah. And? Nothing.
Really? You got stood up by the Alone cast member? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, she just didn't respond it's like she didn't see the DM

no it wasn't DM

I commented

on her

on a picture

on a picture

on her Instagram

but why don't you

just have like an agent

reach out

but here's the thing

is that

there was like

15 other responses

it was the only one

that had a thread

it was like the number one thing

she had to have read it

she saw it

yeah yeah

but see I never understand

oh you know what

usually happens though too

what

a lot of people

don't run their own stuff

she runs her own thing

she might have someone

do it now

Thank you. or read it.
She saw it. Yeah, yeah.
But see, I never understand that. Oh, you know what usually happens though too? What? A lot of people don't run their own stuff.

She runs her own thing.

She might have someone do it now.

She has 5,000 followers.

She runs her own thing, man.

5,000, that's it.

It's so funny.

This one right here.

30,000.

Over 30,000.

And here's the thing.

She has two accounts.

I know.

She has her real one.

Yeah.

Her private one. And then she has, which has what, 12 followers, right? Which is the one that she posts and everything.
Yeah. And she has the Bad Rudy one, which has over 30,000.
And I'm telling her right now, the whole reason to have social media is to brag. Brag, boast.
Is to boast. Take a note from Bob.
Right. Brag and boast.
She's telling me that she has friends in the Philippines right now that want to be influencers and they want to be social media giants. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they all have, what, 1,200 followers maybe at the most. And they think they're the shit.
This girl has over 30,000 and I'm telling her,

delete the other one.

Yep.

Use the 30,000 one as your thing.

Yep.

Try to get verified.

Yep.

Right?

And then you become, right,

the envy of all of the Philippines.

Right?

But she's not listening to me.

You're the pride of Cebu.

You can be the pride of Cebu. You're the pride of Cebu, you ding dong.

Why don't you do that?

Because I think my friends are going to...

Judge you?

Yeah, because they...

I don't you do that? Because I think my friends are going to... Judge you? Yeah, because they don't know that I'm doing this.
Let me tell you something. When you get verified and you get famous enough, you don't need friends anymore.
You get rid of those people forever. You know what they mean to you? Nothing.
When they go, Rudy, you're being mean, go, are you verified? I'm sorry, are you verified? No? Goodbye. Goodbye.
Push them out of your your life you don't from now on we're gonna get you verified you don't talk to non-verified people do you understand yeah ever again ever again ever again hi this is debbie your blinds.com design consultant oh wow a real person yep i am here to help you with everything from selecting the perfect window treatments got a complicated project. Oh, not a problem.
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We need to talk to our hypnotherapist. Hey, there's my man.
What's up, dude? That's my main man right there, dude. How you doing, Bobby? What's up, Lex? That was Picard.
No, now you're Lex. Lex Dog.
Lex Luthor. Lex Dog, baby.
What's up, Lexi? Listen, I really appreciate Sunday, man. You're welcome.
What you did for me Sunday, I went into a deep trance. It really worked.
I did the – remember the thing you taught me to do? Yeah, this. What is that? I transported him.
Yeah. He went like this.
He is a this is how small your dick is seems about right no this was so what happened was he put me in a trance and he i went to a happy place did he ask you to go to a happy place oh yeah he guided me into the happy place can you tell us where it was or what i thought of course where is You weren't in it. I had to throw it out there.
You weren't in the happy place. Really? Yeah, I don't know why.
I should have been there. No, but you weren't in the happy place.
Maybe I was. Everyone else was there.
Really? Yes. In my happy place, right? Okay.
Right. Everyone was there.
My dad was there. Juliana was there.
My girlfriend. My mom.
Eric Griffin. My brother was there.
Whitney Cum Cummings was there all of these humans were there and I wasn't in your happy place but you can't control the happy place yes you can you literally are controlling it it's your happy place no because it was I was in a trance right I'm in a trance right I can't control what's in the happy place because I was in the water so my happy place was off on an island, Cebu. Yeah.
I was in a lagoon. Yeah.
I was on my back in the water. Right.
And I can hear my dad and my mom. Fighting.
Talking. Not fighting.
Talking, right? Hear splashes, right? Then I heard, like, Whitney Cummings and my girlfriend talking. Yeah.
I think Nick Glaser was there and Esther Povinsky. All these comics.
I'm sorry. I just had half of the store was there pretty much.
Why am I not there? I don't know why, but I was on my back and I'm floating. And then he goes, I guess in the trance.
I barely remember because I'm in a trance, right? Deep. He's just like, now put your thumb and your index finger together, right? And anytime you want to, right? Like when I'm just going about my day, when I press them together, I will immediately return to this happy place.
Did you use it this past week? Yes, I did. Look, happy place.
Nice. You're not there.
You're here. You're here.
I'm here right now. Not there.
I'm not there.

You're here.

Okay.

So that's what it is.

Can I try this exercise?

Well, he has to put you in the transfer.

So then – Trans me.

No, no.

It takes a long time.

What can we do today?

What are we doing today?

It's important to reinforce what we did.

Okay.

We lock it in.

And so because I gave him a suggestion last time, and he'll be aware of this,

that he's going to find it much easier to go and relax now.

So we're going to find it much easier to go and relax now so we're doing a very short session right now yeah if you'd like if you're open to that all right let's do it yeah stare at him right here he's right here all right all right here we go i'm excited rudy are you involved or out she's out Okay, go. Don't drink Red Rudy, are you involved or out? She's out.
Okay, go.

Don't drink Red Bull.

We're not trying to get amped up.

That's water for him.

Yeah, it's like water to me.

That's nice.

Yeah, it does different things to people.

Yeah.

Yeah, some people can do coke.

Taurean.

You know, some people can just do coke and like function.

That's the exact same thing.

Yeah, that's who I am.

Yeah.

I'm giving a run for my money.

My gosh.

Yeah, yeah.

What are you drinking, vodka? We're not judging you. Yeah, that's who I am.
Yeah. You're giving me a run for my money.
My gosh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What are you drinking? Vodka? We're not judging you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay. Hypno.
Okay. Go ahead.
All right. Sit back.
Can I just say something? Doing it in my fucking garage with just you and I is one thing. Doing it in front of all these people is another thing.
What do you mean all these people? What's the big deal? There's only four cameras in this room and me and Rudy and George and you. Yeah, but when I go to the fucking, yeah, but here's the deal, dude.
Go to your happy place. When I go to my happy place.
Look at me right now. I can't go to the happy place with you.
Do you want me to leave? No, you're in the building. I can smell you.
Don't get angry. I love you like a brother.
I love you too. Right? You're in a sad place.
I am? When I go to the sad place, that's where you are. And what am I doing there? What? You're just like fucking, you're working out.
Yes! Yeah, you're working out, you're eating beef jerky. See, that's my happy place.
Right? And you're like hitting the wall with your fucking fists. Drywall is so fun to punch.
Right, right. And then you're like putting more tumbleweed on your fucking stupid eyebrows.
To thicken those fucking beastly eyebrows up. I don't need to pay for this.
I just got my happy place right now. Yeah, I'm there.
I'm in the gym. I'm punching a wall.
Okay. Go ahead.
Look, Bobby, what's important here is that you feel comfortable doing this, right? If you do, let's do it. If you don't, that's fine, too.
Okay. And we can continue to work separately.
Let's try. We don't try.
We do. No, we just, sorry.
We do. Okay, Okay, Yoda.
You remember that from last time, right?

All right.

Can I just say something?

Stop cutting him off.

I'm sorry.

Who's in charge here?

Jules laughing is bugging me out right now.

Jules?

If I hear you laugh, it's bugging me out, lady.

No laughing.

Okay.

But the difference here, this is not stage hypnotism.

You and I know Bobby, right?

This is real stuff.

This is the real stuff.

So there's nothing actually humorous going to happen here.

This actually could be really interesting for you guys.

All right.

So, Bobby, pick a spot in the studio out in the distance.

Open eyes.

Yep. Stop, stop stop stop stop jules jules jules jules jules jules jules jules i know stay in the room right i'm sorry just just just give me a second bear with us okay look at me right now, all right? If I hear you laughing, it's going to take me out.
He needs to go to play. This is very serious, all right? So you cannot laugh, okay? All right.
Bobby, you can let any of the distractions just drift out. I'll let it drift away.
I'll let it drift away or incorporate them in. It really doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter. Okay, go ahead.
Yeah. Last time when we worked together, there were distractions.
You probably don't even remember. Yeah.
Yeah. Just let it go.
What are you? I'm not looking at them. Don't look at them.
I'm going to look down. Don't look at me.
I'm going to look down. Nobody look at me.
And shut off everybody else's mic. All right.
So here we go. So as you recall, yeah, go ahead.
Look at this spot. You'll probably find that your eyes will get tired over time like most people do.
Staring at a spot and you'll begin to find it going out of focus. Deep breath.
let all the stress anxieties and worries from the past week all all the work that you've done. All right.
Bobby. Close your eyes.
Close your eyes. Close your eyes.
I don't know. It's so funny.
Bobby, close your eyes. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Close your eyes. Close your eyes.
Well, shut up. Don't tell me to fucking close my eyes.
Let me get in a fucking relaxed day. All right, all right, all right.
Be nice. Everyone's freaking me out right now.
Everyone's freaking me out, all right? All right, be nice. All right, be nice.
I'm sorry. You're great.
Here we go. You're great.
I told George just kick everybody out of the room. Let's do the staring at the thing again.
No, just kidding. I need to stare at the thing to lose focus.
Can we lose the focus? I need to do it. I have to, because in my mind, if I'm not doing it, I can't get in there.
Okay, come on. Let's go.

Let's do it. It all works.
Ready?

Deep breath,

Bobby.

Okay.

Allow your eyelids to drop when you're ready.

Go ahead.

Good. Take three

more deep breaths.

When you're ready,

you'll drop down, drop the eyes. Relax.
Okay. I got it all.
You're good. Allow them to settle down and seal shut.
Good. Sealed from left to right.
Very good. Walk to the top now of that escalator.
See its see the black whaling going around no guys what's that noise what's the noise what is that did you hear that can you hear that what was that hello george what's that no idea okay who did that did that? Did you do that?

How?

What do I have that I'm going to do?

A phone.

You're on your phone.

You probably have a fucking.

What song is that?

What?

Was that in my head?

I'm not on my.

Did you hear that?

I'm texting on my phone.

Did you hear that though?

George, did I not just text you to turn your levels down?

Yes, you did.

I just texted him.

Turn your levels down.

I don't know what that song was, but.

Was that in my own head?

I only listened.

What are you talking about?

All right. Okay.

You're not in trans yet. Don't okay all right close your eyes you're good

all right seeing the escalator now see each of the steps exiting moving downward holding on now

moving smoothly and quickly down and you can count down in your head with me. George! It's not me.
Where is that coming from? Check your Bluetooth. Is your Bluetooth on? Is your Bluetooth on? Your phone? Check your phone.
Is your Bluetooth on, George? Julia, are you fucking doing that right now? Are you fucking around? I'm not. Are you on your phone? Are you on your phone? No.
Check your phone. Is your Bluetooth on, George? Julianna, are you fucking doing that right now? Are you fucking around? I'm not.
Are you on your phone? Are you on your phone? Yeah. Get off your phone.
That's what it is. You're listening to some sort of fucking hip-hop video or something.
Julianna. George, did you do that? It's not me, sir.
George, I will fucking fire you, dude. I will fucking fire you if you're doing that shit.
we get through this we're gonna keep breaking out if you don't go alright come on I literally was almost there I know if the music happens again we can't do it okay relax alright everything's fine Jesus I'm at the top of the escalator okay you're at the top of the escalator holding on counting down with me now. Stepping on 10, 9, 8, 7, deeper and deeper, 6, 5, halfway there, 4, 3, 2, and 1.
Stepping off firmly and securely.

Seeing your door in front of you.

One, two, three, four, and five.

Fully and completely feel those good feelings within you. And the pride and success that you will have.

Good.

How do you feel good did you notice that we took your pants off during that whole thing look down no my pants are still on well we put them back on thank you hey dude how you feeling I can really get there yeah you can Hey, dude. How are you feeling? I can't really get there.
Yeah, you can. I can't get there.
That works. That's the real.
You feel good? Yeah. Thank you so much.
You're welcome. It's Andrew, right? He's the one who asked for this to help you out don't no don't yes no yes thank you yeah you're welcome puppy and happy to help you continue with this if you'd like fuck you and help thank you that's not that's not a healing thing that didn't fucking help fuck you me thank you really yeah okay fuck you okay all right thank You know what? If this is how he's going to be, I'm never doing this again.

Don't do whatever you need to do to survive.

All right?

Where did you go?

I went into that happy place.

And then when I got there, I can't – and then I saw you.

I was like, oh, yeah, that's not real.

It's a shit place.

Did you enjoy your session?

I loved it.

Thank you so much.

Thank you. You're welcome.

When you're ready to quit, quit, you let me know. i will i love you bye guys bye bye bye bye it really does i really can get there place i can really get to that place yeah and jules and i were loving it i can really get to that place and um so you know and maybe it did work because I've only been smoking butts and maybe I was only doing one cigarette length butts that day I mean maybe it worked we have to find out Jules is gonna be my reporter I think we can find out now Jules you have to tell me on that that you have to tell me are you gonna admit to playing the music I didn't do it I don't know how humor works in the Philippines shut up Jules I know it was you George told me it was you yeah he texted us there's no one else it could be Jules I don't know how humor works in the Philippines, but in America, there's timing.

Timing.

There's times to do something and times – you know, if you do a fart joke, you don't do it at a funeral.

Right.

You do it before the funeral.

Or after the funeral. Or after.

You don't do it at the funeral.

That's insane.

Yeah.

Someone's dead in there.

Yeah.

Or it would be funny if you were in the funeral and you were like, it would be funny if he farted while he was dead.

All right.

That would be funny.

There's a time and place for certain things.

All right.

You have to figure it out.

And when I was doing that, that was so fucking rude. So rude.
But that's, I guess, your deal. That's who you are.
You got anything to say? Yeah, you did. Do you have anything to say? I didn't do it.
Yeah, you did. It's just...
You're lying You're lying It's not good It's insane Jules it's not funny It's really fucking Yeah at your age To lie the amount That you lie I didn't do it And to be adamant about Yeah get off your phone First of all I'm not even plugged Into any wire Yeah you are It's not And it's not a wire It's not a wire It's a bluetooth It's a bluetooth Your phone has bluetooth Yes Yeah but And you hooked on To the bluetooth right I'm not connected to any wire. Yeah, you are.
And it's not a wire. It's not a wire.
It's a Bluetooth. It's a Bluetooth.
Your phone has Bluetooth, yes?

Yeah, but... And you hooked on to the Bluetooth, right?

I'm not connected to any Bluetooth.

Oh, liar.

Oh, my God.

Because we did that earlier.

We hooked her up earlier.

We hooked her up earlier.

That's not cool.

It's not cool.

Well, you look like you feel a little bit better.

I feel much better.

I feel a little...

Your shoulders dropped.

Yeah, I feel a little mellow. I was higher energy earlier in the beginning of the podcast a little mellower but um it's funny you know when i was at the beach in in that lagoon you know in cebu yeah and i really want to analyze why you're not a part of it and you know because we fought yesterday on the phone two days ago it was a two days ago we screamed at each other two days ago on the phone I think you of it.
And, you know, because we fought yesterday on the phone. Two days ago.
Oh, was it two days ago? Yeah, we got to go back. We screamed at each other two days ago on the phone.
I think you called and screamed at me, didn't you? No, I don't raise my voice, though. You raised the voice.
Bob? I picked up and go, hey, Bob. And you go.
You do this fake thing, like, you'll do something like, hello, sweetheart. Or you'll do something like that, right? I go, I go, hello, sweetheart.
Yeah, yeah. Or you'll go.
You all right, love? Or you'll act like a pansy. and you'll do something like that right? I go hello sweetheart.
Yeah yeah or you'll go you're alright love. Or you'll act like a like a pansy and you'll go hey Bob.
I go hi Bobby. What's a pansy? I don't know.
I go hi Bobby. And when I know that we have serious shit to talk about and then you like you'll raise your voice first which makes me raise my voice.
You raise your voice to me first. You did.
I know it for a fact. I approve.
Right there. Because you're putting out a nonsense thing, you raised your voice.
What you're doing right now is exactly how it works. Dude, you're such a little snake.
See, here we go. There it is.
Okay, ready? Yeah. You raised your voice to me first.
Okay, and I'm going to say this. If we did a poll out there, and maybe we should do a poll.
Honestly. Go ahead.
Who do you think would raise their voice first in an argument between Andrew and I? I bet you money that it would be 90% you. Do you know why that's – do you know why? Because you projected a lie.
You just put that out there. I'm not projecting a lie.
The reason why that's that is because that's the fucking truth no see you just have said that to them now you're serving them your answer people know your character no no no people know your character people know your your what your sensibility people know your what your message is and your story people know everything about you and they know you're a dark horse they know you're a dark black magic fucker fucker i am yeah you are see but in a poll people think i'm jolly people think i'm jolly i have a round face right when i walk in the room people go ah you have to turn sideways when you walk into a room see there we go that's now you go into into racism. No.
You go into flat-faced racism, right? Yeah, yeah. In a poll, they would show that.
You called me names. I'm going to call you names.
You know how many people have said... Andrew, I just don't know about that guy.
I saw him at a party. I'm not making it up.
You saw me at a party and what was I doing? I'm just giving you an example. I don't go to parties.
That's exactly what it is. Nobody invites me to parties.
Why do you think that is? It's because you're a dark horse. Because I steal stuff.
No, you're just – you have this – you're a good guy. Everyone listening right now, Andrew Santino, I swear to God, his foundation, he's a sweetie-beety.
I am. He's a little sweet-sweet, right? But you push my buttons.
He's my buttons. He's sweet, sweet.
But if you get in an argument with this fucker,

I guarantee you that his vocal will go up before yours.

Especially if you're leading me to be frustrated.

Especially if you're saying stuff that isn't true.

Yeah.

Which is what you were doing.

You need meditation.

Medication?

Meditation.

I'll take medication.

No.

I can't do that.

I can't do what you just did. You know why? Why? Anger.
I don't want to go to the place. Yeah, you don't want to go to the happy place.
That's why you're not there. And maybe if you get to the happy place, I can meet you there.
Maybe I can meet you there. Well, first of all, he was like, you're in an escalator.
Where is the escalator? Here's what the deal is. I would rather take an elevator.
I don't want to take an escalator. I know.
Okay, But before the escalator. And the doorknob.
Did you touch the doorknob with your bare hand? No, man. I have gloves on.
You did. I have gloves on.
And you go escalator. And you go to the escalator.
And then there's a golden door. Right? You open the door.
Oh, God. And there's a gold.
That's just my vision. That's so tacky.
Go ahead. I imagined it.
I know. It could be any door.

What are you, Persian?

Yours could be fucking wooden.

Mine would be made of man wood.

Yeah, it'd be a thick maple.

Yeah, like a pioneer door.

Yeah, exactly.

Right.

And it'd be hand carved.

Let me tell you something.

Yeah.

Here's my happy place.

When I...

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh.

Did you listen to what he said about texting people back and engaging?

Yeah.

No, I didn't hear it.

Uh-huh.

I didn't hear it.

I texted you three days ago, four days ago.

I said, hey, man, want to get lunch?

What did you text back?

Yeah.

Where?

You didn't.

That's right.

You didn't text back.

You didn't say anything.

But do you know why?

Why, Bob?

Because it's like this.

It's like data.

Let's go back to this next generation.

Star Trek next generation.

Okay.

It's the only references I can do. to this next generation.
Star Trek next generation. Okay.
It's the only, you're right,

references I can do. Yeah.
Right?

It just doesn't compute.

Just to get lunch? It doesn't, like,

I don't want to.

It's not necessary.

I was right near your house. It doesn't matter.
It's not necessary.

I was sleeping. I don't want to.

2.45 p.m. So I take the information and I'm like data.
I go,

does not compute. Put that to the side and I just pretend it didn't happen.
You can just go, no, I don't want to eat. I know you're awake.
It said red right underneath it. Not dumb.
You're the moron that left red receipts on your phone. Every time he texts you, it says.
The phone does that? Red. Yeah, I know that you read it.
Wait, did the phone do that? Yes. Oh, shit.
Yeah, and I'm not going to tell you how to turn it off. How do you turn it off? I'm not going to tell you.
Fuck you. I need to turn it off.
Fuck you. That way I know.
I need to learn how to turn this off. You're not going to.
What? You're not going to because I need to know when you read something. George.
No. George, absolutely not.
George, you're going to teach me how to turn that off. George, do it and I'll break your legs and I'm dead serious.
Well, I'll just ask Kalilah to do it. I'll break her legs.
I'll break everybody's legs. Rudy? Don't make me break them legs, girl.

Because of this hypnosis, maybe I will start texting you back.

I hope.

Yeah, I think it'll work.

It'd be nice.

I was by your house.

I said, hey, I'd love to buy you lunch.

Nothing.

And then where are we going to go?

Crave?

That's all you want to eat.

For breakfast, I like that place.

I was going to take you for sushi.

I just tested him.

Did you see his...

Did you see him raise his... Because you lead me down a path.
Juliana. Juliana.
Jules, help. Juliana, right? That was a test.
That was a test, and I wanted to see if – I knew it would go up. So everyone listening right now, you know that Andrew and I had that argument the other night, right? I was fucking Steven Seagal namaste.
Hello? How are you? And all of a sudden, Bob! You're a fat! And I was like, that's what gets me up there, right? I said, hi, Bobby. I actually did that British thing.
I go, hello, sweetheart. And you go, and then you started talking.
And then you're talking smack. And I'm not going to say what you said because we can't say it on air, what we were talking about.
Oh, really? I'm not going to talk about those. Do you know the reason why we can't talk about it is because you're about to lie and the information didn't get in your head.
No, because I'm not going to mention names about who you're – You live in the make-believe land. Let me tell you something, pal.
Yeah. I'm going to beat you on camera.
I'm going to beat your ass I'll beat that happy place right out of you

Here's the proof

A man who has anger issues

Always resorts to violence

Against another man who frustrates him

No

Rudy I would never hurt you

Unless of course you made me break your leg

I'm in the happy place

I'm in the happy place right now dude

You're in a fucking dark land Put me in the happy place then Put me there The only way you can do it is to be a person who is a person who is a person who is a person who is a person who is a person who is a person who is a person who is a to change. Because this whole bullshit about me smoking, texting people back, I need to improve your life, this and that.
Oh, so it's all bullshit? No, it is real, but maybe you should be looking at your own issues as well.

Okay, my anger towards you?

Yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

I will do that.

Thank you.

I will do that.

Thank you.

I'm going to look deep at it.

Deep.

Go deep.

Go deep.

Maybe respond to a lunch text.

You know, if you were one of the kindred spirits that were were in my happy place then maybe i would have responded to it george turn your mic down no no see because i'm gonna go i'm gonna lose it on you yeah yeah and i'm gonna go off on you dude go off i don't this is what i want maybe i I'll learn. Go ahead.
Teach me. No.
We tried last week. No, go ahead.
Get off. You got frustrated when me and Griff, we ganged up on you.
Yeah, yeah. And I'm going to say this.
Look at all the comments, right? Because you're telling them what to say. The truth.
The truth is you provoke me. No, I don't provoke anybody.
And everyone listening. Everyone.
He doesn't respond to text. People listening.
He's late every single day. People listening right now.
Oh, whose voice is going on? No, I'm just because I. Oh, this is interesting.
Yeah. People listening right now.
This is playful. This is playful.
Really? It sounds like. It doesn't come from anger.
And people know this. Right? People listening right here.
They have eyes. They have their own opinions.
They have their own filters of how they ingest information. And what everyone realizes is this.
The thing is this. What is the thing? The thing is this.
What is it? Is I'm the jolly guy. I'm the happy guy.
I am. I'm the sweet guy, right? Yeah.
You're the angry guy. Yeah.
Who makes me angry? You're the dark guy. Who makes me angry? You're the guy that has a temperament.
George. George, do I get angry at you, George? No.
No. George? I don't get angry at George.
George? George? Yes, Bob? You're playing with fire right now. That's me.
I'm fire. And I don't get angry at you ever, do I, George? Who's defended you, George? This has nothing to do with that.
Yes, it does. Who defends you, George? He yells at me all the time, Bob.
Thank you. It's just for no reason sometimes.
George, you're as yellow as your hair. You yellow-bellied chicken shit turd.
Look at that. Likeable.
No, you manipulate people to make people think that you're likeable. You're simple.
Simple, yes. Up here, you're very simple.
You're a simple man. Yeah.
You have to resort to name-calling. No, I just mean you're simple.
There's not a lot going on. You're saying that I'm a dumb guy.
No, I'm not. No, I'm not at all.
You're a simple man. You're very simple.
You're two modes. Sleep and sloven.
Resort to that. I'm going to look deep into myself and find out why I'm so mad at you.
Yeah, that's your baseline. But I can't wait to be on a bus with you and go on a little tour.
Oh, that's going to be great. The amount of fights we're going to do.
I don't think we'll fight. No, we probably won't fight on tour.
It's funny, too, and I just want to add this. And we have testing, by the way.
We're going to have anal corona testing. Do you know if you test in the butt, it goes faster? Does it really? Swear to God.
Yeah. Twice as fast if you go in your butt.
If you go to your local testing site, by the way, this is knowledge I learned this week. If they try to put it up your nose, ask for an anal cavity or what do they call it? They call it a – I'm serious.
What's it called? What is that called when they test in your butt, like a thermometer in your tush? I'm not doing that. I'm just doing the nose thing.
The results go twice as fast. I'm not doing the nose thing.
The guy said, can I put it in your nose? I said, I'd rather you put it in my butt. I feel like it's a trick.
This is what's going to happen, right? Have you ever heard of a thermometer in your tush? Stop for a second. You're getting aggressive again.
Calm down. Namaste.
I'm in the happy place. Okay? I'm not there, so I don't care.
It doesn't matter. All right? So, bend over, Bob.
Okay. Do you feel the metal thing in your asshole? No, Ron.
It's three and a half feet. It's going to take about four minutes.
Just hold on. Yep.
Let it sit there. Right? You pull it out, right? Right? I pull my pants back up.
And then you're going to go, ah, you fell for it. I've been in this rodeo before.
You've had people put stuff in your butthole? I've been in this rodeo before. How many people put stuff in your butthole and you didn't know? Four or five times in my lifetime.
I've done this rodeo before all right people put stuff in your butthole i've been in this rodeo how many people put stuff in your butthole and you didn't know four or five times in my lifetime i've done this rodeo before i learned my lesson the first time right you're not sticking anything in my asshole and then tricking me come on bob no please i'm going to do the nose thing and that's the only test all right all right we'll have a common nose test then and i'm still disappointed that rudy's not going to come yeah well she is going to do irvine we're going to do irvine in a drive-thru we're going to do podcast at the spectrum yeah drive-thru we can't say the date Rudy's not going to come. Yeah.
Well, she is going to do Irvine. We're going to do Irvine in a drive-thru.
We're going to do

a podcast at the Spectrum. Yeah.

Drive-thru. We can't say the date yet.
We'll announce it soon.

Rudy's going to do a couple of monologues

from her favorite movies.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, the monologues, yeah.

You do some anime monologue? She'll do an anime

monologue. She's going to do a whole

dance routine that the Cardi B thing that you've been

working on. Oh, WAP? You're doing WAP? Yeah,

yeah. Are you really doing WAP? Yeah, she's going to do the WAP and i practice yeah what's the song let me say something right now what's the song that you guys were dancing to wow no but what's the song wet as you just made a lot of people mad it's it's the song okay Okay.
Okay. If that's what you say, pal.
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Equipment tax is another fees extra and subject to change. Ends up doing James with James Cord and with Jim Carrey.
Remember you did that with Al Magical? Yeah, they just posted it.

Now look at you now.

Did I go up or down?

Angry.

No, I was happy.

I'm happier here than I was there.

Go ahead.

Where did that James Corden come from?

I saw Al Magical post.

He did post about it when he was on Me, Him, and Jim.

I got a little envious.

That was Me, Al. And Jim Carrey.
And Jim Carrey. And Eric Griffin.
And James Corden. Griff was on.
He did stand-up. He didn't have the...
He was on in the photo. Well, we were on the couch, and he did stand-up on the show.
Oh, right, Griffin did? But they didn't let him sit on the couch. Of course they didn't.
There's a weight limit on the couch. Of course they didn't.
Yeah, yeah. No, seriously, they didn't let him sit on the couch because there wasn't any room.
But he did stand up and he ripped. He murdered.
You like James Gordon? Do I like him? Yeah. I don't know him.
Was his show... Have you ever...
You've done a late night show. He produced Game On.
Yeah, they do. I love him.
But he's nice to me as a guy. He's a good guy.
The show is weird. I don't know how to do late night shows.
Yeah. I've never been invited, so I wouldn't know.

Well, you think I got invited?

You were on it.

I saw it.

I was Jim Carrey's coattail holding on for real life.

Oh, yeah, going in with one of the biggest comedy fucking stars.

I know, but it had nothing to do with me.

They were like, can we get Jim?

And they're like, yeah.

And they're like, can we get Al and Santino too?

And they were like, fine.

But it's amazing.

You looked handsome.

Thank you. It was nice.
Al looked good. You guys were on TV together.
Yeah, it was nice. Yeah, I've never been invited to any of that show.
To a late night show? I did the Tonight Show in 2000, but that was a young comic. Not on the couch.
You did stand up. He did call me on the couch.
Really? Yeah. Leno? Yeah.
Wow. Well, let's pretend like you're on The Tonight Show now.
Ready? Yeah.

I'm Jimmy Fallon.

All right. You ready?

Yeah.

Oh, I got a good one.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Today, oh, you're going to love this guy.

You're going to love this guy.

This guy's great.

This guy, he's on a podcast right now called Bad Friends.

It's a great one.

He's got his podcast at Tiger Valley.

Also a great one.

This guy's also on a game show right now.

It's awesome.

He's selling a show.

He sold a show. This guy is going to be bigger than he's already.
He's already big. He's already big.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bobby Lee. Bobby Lee! Hey, man.
Hey, you fucking white fucking tard. You tard-o.
Bobby Bobby. Look at your boogie eyes.
I remember you back in the day, bro. What's going on, man? We didn't think you were going to make it.
No? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait, why? We did.
I made it. Yeah.
Yeah, I got the roots. I got the roots.
You got the roots. I got the roots.
Hey, root. Say hi, roots.
Yeah. Anyway, good to be you, fucking Tardo.
Hey, great to be here, Bob. Yeah, yeah.
Great to be here. So tell us.
It's been so long. So you were telling me before the show.
Yeah. You just got a new turtle.
Okay. That's it.
That's what the shows are like. They're really hard.
I hate it. You told our producers, you have to tell them a setup.
I know, I hate it. And if you don't stick to the setup, they go like this.
They go like, ready? Yeah. What about this fish story? Tell us the fish story.
What happened? Yeah. And then they go.
And they go, oh man, it was crazy. My wife and my daughter wanted a fish.
You know how kids want fish? Yeah. It was crazy.
We went to the fish store, and we got one of those clownfish from the— Oh, clownfish. Yeah, yeah, yeah, from Nemo.
Nemo. Yeah, yeah.
I did a voice on that movie, by the way. You did? Yeah, I was the crabfish.
I was the crabfish. Anyway, crazy story, man.
So we put the fish in the tank. Inside it.
Wait a minute. Right.
My brother Billy came over and put tequila in the tank. The fish drunk.
That's what they're like. That's exactly what they're like.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Meanwhile, no kids, no fish, no brother. Yeah, he made the whole thing up.
Made the whole thing up. He's a single guy.
He lives in a studio in Van Nuys. He made the whole fucking thing up just so that he can get a story in.
Here's the thing about the difference between that and podcasting. It's everything.
Because we're not – Well, what about what Andrew Schultz is doing? He's podcasting kind of like a late night show, but he's doing his own monologue. Well, Andrew Schultz is – I know him.
He's done yours. He's done mine.
Good friends he's done mine good friends i love him yeah right but he's a special kind of a kid right right he just is got something different he also taught me that like because you know um me and there's a couple of other guys at my my age still want to get in hollywood what do you mean you're in hollywood no i know my point is is that like we still want to you in Hollywood? What do you mean? You're in Hollywood. No, I don't know.
My point is that we still want to, you know. Rub elbows with the.
Yeah, how come I can't get that audition? Oh, right. Oh, I wasn't invited to this, you know, and get bummed out.
You want to have Alice and Janney's phone number in your phone. Right.
But Andrew taught me that, no, dude, you do it on your own. Yeah.
Why do those other things when you can make all the money on your own? Create own franchise yeah that's we made that's what we're doing this from scratch and that's why i love the kid yeah he's great yeah have you been watching i saw a documentary on netflix i couldn't believe it blew my mind it's called speed cubers no how come we didn't talk about this did you see it the asian kid warms my soul. The way he loves the Australian kid.
I cried. When white people get autism, they count matchsticks.
Okay. No, be real.
Okay, fine. Yes.
And cars. They love trains.
The Asian guy? Can solve five seconds. He was the fastest.
Even when we have autism, we're better. Yeah, you're better.
In fact, you're way better with autism.

Yeah, we're even better with autism.

He broke five world records in one day.

I know.

And you know what?

He was still disappointed.

I know.

He cried.

It's okay.

But I don't think the crying is the autism.

No, it's not.

It's being Asian.

It's Asian.

It's being like, I didn't do it good enough.

He knows he let down his ancestors.

That's his inner Asian voice, right?

But dude, when I first, because I've had a Rubik's Cube since my sophomore year still i still have it never never solved it same never have i've tried every day i pick it up and i i try i work on it for about an hour yeah never these six five seconds the closest i've ever come yeah you know how you watch with it so it's it's this this and they also spin with their bottom fingers yeah so the closest I ever come was one time I got high, and I did it.

And I was like, I'm not even going to look at it.

I'm just going to do what they do.

And I did pretty close.

You did?

I mean, it was like I was off, but it was still close.

I did this one.

Closer than when I try it.

My friend Randy, growing up, he had solved it in like a week.

So I got a Rubik's Cube, and you can clip off the fucking.

The pieces?

The pieces and put it back together

I put it back together

like Legos

couldn't do it

I didn't even know

how it worked at first

okay here's how

lame I was

after we watched that

I googled and youtubed

how to solve my Rubik's Cube

yeah yeah yeah

I spent hours

trying to figure it out

yeah

in fact I got worse

googling

yeah

because I'm not good at math

yeah

I'm not good at math

I don't know how to do

it's all math

it's math equations

but you know what I love about

the kid

the Australian kid

I'm not good at math I'm not good at math I don't know how to do it it's all math it's math equations but you know what I love about the kid the Australian kid how nice is that kid I wish that was us that's not us we're the opposite of this no no no the Asian guy looks the Asian guy in the dark Max Park looks at the Australian kid with just doughy eyes and looks up to him you do that to to me. No.
I think you're garbage. No, you do that to me.
I kind of do, I guess. You do that to me.
You love me. I guess I do.
And you know what I do to you? What? What is the Australian kid's name? What's his name? I forgot his name. It's called Speedcubers.
Is that what it is? Yeah. Yeah.
Dude, what he does. Oh, God.
It's so sweet. It's just the cutest thing in the world.
It's Max Park and Felcus Zemdegs. And Felcus Zemdegs is me.
And you know what he does to Max? He treats him like a brother and shows him and teaches him. I do that to you.
I show you. I teach you.
He does it because. The only reason he brushes his teeth is because Felcus brushes his teeth.
He said that. This is the right one.
You're right. I'm helping you get better.
You nailed it. You nailed it.
Yeah. So Falcus knows.
This is them together. Let me just.
Can I finish my point? Yeah, go ahead. I just want to show them together.
Falcus knows that Max Park has so much more talent than him. Mm-mm.
Yeah, that's what it is. No.
And looks at him and he goes, I need to be nice to this kid because I don't have the skill level anymore. No.
That's what it is. No.
And looks at him and he goes, I need to be nice to this kid, right?

Because I don't have the skill level anymore.

No.

That's what it is.

No.

Felcus had his run for a long, for 10 years.

Congratulations.

Thank you. I had my run.

Malmagical you, Jim Carrey, right?

The reason that Felcus is so nice.

You're on Davey.

The reason that Felcus is so nice to Max Park, do you know why?

Because Max, Max might lose a tournament to the next best thing that comes because it's coming. Everyone gets replaced, right? Felcus got replaced by Max.
Max has got someone on his tails. Remember the little fat chick? So Max has a Ken Jeong.
Exactly. Max has a Ken Jeong.
And so Felcus is nice because when Max loses it and he's on the good side of the gun. Right.

Elliot Rogers. You think he's going to do an Elliot Rogers?

Yep. Wow.

When he snaps, when you snap, I know I'm going to be

on the good side of the gun.

Yeah. When you lose it.

That's why I'm always nice to the weirdo.

The guys that are going to snap?

Because I don't want to be the guy.

Who's the weirdo do you think in the comedy

store that would snap? That would be like the

snappy loser guy? Oh my god, there's so many.

I think

Thank you. I'm going to snap? Because I don't want to be the guy.
Like who's the weirdo do you think in the comedy store that would snap? That would be like the snappy loser guy. Oh my God.
There's so many. I think Tony Hinchcliffe for sure.
He could snap. There is a rage in him.
Yeah. That's bubbling over.
Yeah. A lot of things would have to happen.
Kill Tony would have to be gone. He'd have to go about five or six years not working.
Yeah. But then he'll get to that place.
Of like. He'll snap.
He'll kill everybody. Writing on the walls and lipstick and stuff.
Yeah. Yeah.
He'd have to go about five or six years not working, but then he'll get to that place.

He'll kill everybody. Writing on the walls and lipstick and stuff?

He's a Batman villain. But you and I are

on the good list with him, so we're good. I don't know

with me. You think he'll kill him? He might.
Really?

Yeah. But you're with me.
We're proportion nine.

What about Rick Ingram?

I don't think so. No, no, too good.

He's too good. Too funny.
He's too funny.

Too funny to let it get ahead of him. And you know what? He's got a family now.
He's got a little baby, so he can't think so. I don't think so.
No, no, too good. No.
He's too good. Too funny.
He's too funny. Too funny to let it get ahead of him.
Yeah. No, and you know what? And he's got a family now.
He got a little baby, so he can't do it. You got to have somebody.
But if the elements are, if the baby's gone, right? God willing, I don't want to talk about it, but let's say in a hypothetical. Let's say we kidnap the baby.
Or the baby just, you know, implodes. It explodes.
It explodes. It explodes? It goes in.
Yeah.. It goes in.
The opposite. It's like a black hole.
Yeah. Yeah, right.
Implodes and just disappears. Maybe it goes to a different dimension.
Shit. Right? So it doesn't really die.
Yeah. But he's floating in some purple goo.
Oh, yeah. It's above.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's in the ether.
In the ether, yeah. Just a baby goo ether.
He's happy there. But anyway, and then like Rick and then their stand-up is completely gone Because he wasn't much Of an actor No he Well he No he was He did a He did a Episode of I'm Dying Up Here And he was great Oh he did? Yeah he was really good Oh I love that guy so much He's the best Do you know who hit me up On Instagram by the way And is trying to start Some beef with us? Who? Buddy of yours Moved to New York Mr.
Bike Guy I call him Mr. Bike Boy Nick Yousef? Yeah he's trying to start Some beef with us.
Who? A buddy of yours moved to New York, Mr. Bike Guy.
I call him Mr. Bike Boy.
Nick Youssef? Yeah, he's trying to start some beef with us, dude. Nicky.
Do we need to fight Nick Youssef? Is that what's going on? Here's the thing with Nicky. No, I know.
He's starting some beef. He goes, he tells me he's coming after you.
He's ready to end you. Yeah, Nicky.
Listen, Nicky. Listen up, Nicky.
Nicky, I've given this fool so many years of work, right? He's a sad hipster. He's a sipster? Yeah.
I'm a little sipster. He likes his raw denim.
Yeah, he does. He likes his handball mustaches.
Uh-huh. Sometimes, remember that one time he bleached his hair blue? Yeah.
Like he's fucking future Joker. But he's, you know what? You know he can get away with it? Why? Good looking dude, man.
He dated that porn star for a long time. Or he dated two porn stars, right? A couple porn stars, yeah.
Come on. You know, he's a good-looking dude.
He's tall. He loves, I hate it.
Leggy. I hate it when he goes to mom-and-pop coffee shops.
I think he owns it. This is a great fucking latte macchiato.
Talk about a flat white. Yeah.
It's incredible. But he's starting beef with you for some reason online.
Because he asked, he called me, because it's one of those things where I didn't text him back oh it is one of those things so it's uh he texted me like hey i'm going through some tax problems can i get your number to your accountant you i would never call you for tax problem account i know exactly that there we go that's his first bad but then you should send him a video of me going why are you calling bobby i don't even want to go through the motion right smart, smart. Here's another.
Skylar Stone. You know Skylar? Yeah.
Skylar texted me the other day. Hey, it's Jay Moore's birthday.
I'm creating a compilation of happy birthday greetings. And I'm editing it now.
Can you send one? I don't respond. Jay Moore's birthday? Yeah.
So I'm going to go, then you do it because I've done it before. Hey.
Hey Jay, it's me, Bobby. I saw you a couple days ago.
Anyway, happy birthday. I love you, buddy.
And then you send it and you're in some stupid fucking collage of fucking bullshit. So Nick goes, give me your tax.
I need a tax guy. And I don't even want to deal with it.
So then I just never return. But he did it every day for like a month.
He texts me every day. I little desperate buddy you are the last person exactly this is on him it's on him it's on him Nick get your shit together there's no way to call Bob of all the guys in the store that you'd call for tax stuff first of all this is who I am the other night what did I do almost caught the house on fire yeah so you know what what we almost did too because the gas guy was fixing my water heater yeah and i'm not kidding his face was an inch away from it and i'm gonna reenact it he was a little he's a little tiny irish guy he's probably like you know five two yeah and he's going and he goes like this he goes yeah these burners sometimes they just uh you know sometimes the burners their connections bad with the with the gas and he goes and it goes and it shoots a fireball and he goes, wow.
Wow. I swear to God.

I love it when dudes like that. Whoa.
His glasses were all. When they almost died.
Yeah. Dude.
I go. Yeah.
Yeah. I go.
Get away from the thing. And he goes.
Oh. It's cool.
It's fine. It's fine.
But I've never seen that before. Yeah.
And there's huge. Dude.
A fireball this big shot out of it. Yeah.
Something like you see in anime. One of your little anime videos.
A fireball and he just goes, he couldn't care less. He put his head right back down underneath it again.
Yeah. I can't believe guys do that stuff.
When you said that, what's the noise again? The guy? Give me the noise again. Whoa! Okay, dudes do that, right? But you know what drives Kalila crazy? When white dudes go like this.
Woo! Oh yeah, woo! Yeah, like they're excited. dudes go like this there's a fucking commercial with Forrest Griffin the fighter it's a car commercial where a guy walks into a car I just want to explain it to the audience right and Francis Nganu right is in the car he goes wow there's a UFC fighter in my car and the dealer goes yeah if you buy a car, you get – it comes with a UFC fighter, right? So the girl goes – she's two guys.
I think it was Pettis and – I forget the other guy. I'm trying to remember who it is.
But Forrest Griffin is like a mechanic on the side. She goes, I'll take that one.
And he has a coffee mug and he goes, woo! Like that. And it repeats.
It gives Kalilah PTSD. But every time it comes on, I drag her in the room to watch it.
It drives her fucking crazy. There's so many commercials that get under my skin, though.
I see the same ones on loop over and over again. It kills me.
The worst. I'm sure she's a nice lady.
It's that girl that does either T-Mobile or something. She's a girl.
It's not... Not AT&T.
Not... Not...
Stephanie Courtney. No.
No, no, no. AT&T is Melania Weintraub.
Do you know her, right? Maybe that's her. Look her up.
Melania Weintraub. Yeah, Melania Weintraub.
She's the... It's Trump's XX.
Another Melania. That's her.
That's Melania Weintraub. She does the AT&T commercials.
That's who you're talking about, right? I don't know. In the commercials, that's not what she looks like.
Yeah, that's her. Yeah, this is the AT&T girl.
She doesn't bother me. I think she's super sweet.
She looks very different. She's like the new 5G robot.
Yeah, right, but there's one where it drives me crazy she's a comic she is yeah she's a comic she does sketch and improv oh okay yeah there's this one where um she dresses up a guitar or something with a mustache that's my new best friend right and it cuts back to her and she goes and she sees a cop with another mustache. She goes, sorry, Sally.
Like, you know, and I don't like it. It bothers me.
Because in no world is that even remotely funny. There's no way to get anyone in a room.
But they gave her millions of dollars. No, it's not her fault.
Right. You know what I mean? Some guy wrote that.
Yeah, some dude did copy and was like losing it. You want to check this out? Yeah.
So you're going to say the best friend with the guitar with the mustache, right? Okay, yeah, yeah. But you know, there's going to be another couple with a mustache.
It's going to hurt its feelings. We'll be right back with Jimmy Fallon in a Tonight Show right after these messages.
Yeah. I mean, it's like, do you know what's going on with her, by the way? She speaks out about her milkies.
People are calling her boob milkies. She spoke out pretty publicly about it because they, because she, I guess she was saying like people were talking about her cleavage from the commercial and she went live on Instagram.
Are woman um yeah i mean reporting them all is it's honestly there's like so many more of them than i have time to report um here's how to handle make your milkers your identity once you show people their words have the power to hurt you they'll never stop doing. So just, so this is actually like showing people my weaknesses.
Showing people that I have feelings is actually just going to make people want to hurt my feelings. So people are calling her boobs milkers or milkies? So what? It's a nickname.
It's a meme in a month that will disappear. And she's saying she's getting harassed constantly by people going show your milkies and show your milkers

or whatever

no matter who you are

as a female in entertainment

you're going to get that from

trolls on the internet

constantly they're going to say everything

what Kalilah goes through

the shit that she reads me

do they say stuff about her body

you know the worst is she's only with you

because you have money

and I've said that one

Thank you. that she reads me.
Do they say stuff about her body? Oh, her body. Yeah.
You know, the worst is she's only with you because you have money. Mm-hmm.
And I've said that one time, by the way. I've only commented that once.
I know. Let me say that.
Jules, okay? You know how disgusting I am. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. Yeah.
You know how filthy I am. Yeah.
And my behavior is erratic and almost difficult to live with. Right? Nobody would live there with me unless they truly did love me, right? Yeah.
I mean, that's why I purposely go funky. I purposely live disgustingly to test her love.
Yeah, I mean, I don't know if that's the solution, but I do know what you're saying. Let me show you the commercial that you don't like.
Okay. This is it.
I found it. Okay.
Hey, Lily from AT&T here. I'm back, and while most stores are open, I'm working from home and here to help.
Here's a tip. Get half off the amazing iPhone 11 on AT&T,

America's fastest network for iPhones.

Second tip, you can put googly eyes on your stuff to keep yourself company.

For example, that's Geraldo.

He's my best friend.

Oh, sorry, Nancy, I forgot you were there.

Get the amazing iPhone 11.

See, it appeals to idiots.

He's going to go buy an iPhone 11 because of that.

Did you really laugh at that, George? Oh, that is so stupid. He loves it.
I'm telling you. Stupid America loves this stuff.
Have you seen Reddit Glorp? We can't show any of it on this show, but Glorp is my favorite subreddit. G-L-O-R-P? Yep.
What's Glorp? Is this guy, this is it? It's a subreddit that puts googly eyes on sex things. See, see.
They put googly eyes on penises, googly eyes on vaginas, googly eyes on like mixers that go in vaginas and then the googly eyes get all funny looking. Do you see what I mean? It's hilarious.
This guy loves, he, he, I, I, Yep, see, look at that. Okay, that's very, we can't show it, but that's funny.
An evil, can evil penis. No, no, because, okay, all right, all right.
That's funny. okay that's very we can't show it but that's funny an evil Knievel penis that's funny but that's not that's not a coffee mug okay if that was in the AT&T commercial you would have left I would have been like that I'm gonna I'm with Verizon I'm switching over that's great like imagine if the middle of this podcast in the middle of this podcast if I just if my penis Bobby if my penis came up from the desk and it just had googly oh my god that's yeah yeah i'm like yeah i mean dude that's what give me some more yeah give me some more googloos what is that what the fuck is that i don't know that's very funny that's that's great that's real funny that's hilarious yeah what's up johnny yeah that is very funny if you had a funny This one they dress up Oh Princess Leia On a dildo We're not going to be able to show any of this They can find it on their own Dude that's insane Was that a vagina? No go down The sideways one With the big eyes Go down, scroll down.
No. The sideways one.
Yeah, the sideways right down with the big eyes. Sideways, go down, scroll down more.
That right there. No.
No, that's a cut in someone's arm. That's stitches.
Oh, it is? Yeah. Oh, shit.
That's not good. Googly eyes.
Oh, this is one on a fleshlight. That's very funny.
That's very funny. That's really cute.
God, that's funny. That's really funny.
Googly eyes on penises is very funny.

Very funny.

This Evel Knievel might be the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life.

It's so great.

And it looks like a real character.

And the helmet's perfectly rested on the penis. It's like a squid character in some sort of like, you know.

It's like a cartoon.

Yeah, it's really cute.

If we do animated, you and I should be penises animated.

Yeah.

Our own penises or somebody else's?

Ours.

Yeah, nah.

It would work. I'd be tall.
You'd be short. Yeah, it would be.
Mine would look like it was been in a fire. But mine is the exact same skin tone as me.
It has freckles. It's pink.
Yeah, mine is just like, it has nine different colors. Ask anybody.
I don't like it. Rainbow.
Rainbow peen. Yeah.
Oh, wait. By the way, skip back.
I watched another documentary. You reminded me when you said Cubers.
I watched another called john tries to contact space or tries to john tries to something in space it's it's you have it's going to throw you for the biggest loop and i don't want to ruin it for anybody this guy has outfitted his entire in grandparents house um with with equipment to talk to space for like 50 years the whole house is equipment trying to speak to space and he sends music every day. He does like a podcast.
He did a podcast before podcasts were a thing and he podcasted out to space to nobody. He threw his life away.
No, wait till you watch it. Watch it, watch it.
He threw his fucking life away. No, he didn't.
You know how cutie he was back in the 70s? He's still a cutie patootie. No, Back in the day, he could have been fucking a roadie for the Black Crows.
I don't know. This is more important to him.
He didn't do it yet. Watch the documentary.
He's trying to contact aliens. But has he done it yet? No.
Well, then it didn't work. But it worked.
So he threw it away. But it worked for something else.
No pussy. Look at me.
No pussy.

It worked for something else.

No money, no pussy.

Do you want me to ruin it?

Should I just ruin the whole thing?

No, no, no.

Stop and stop.

No, you don't have to ruin it.

Okay, because you're guessing wrong stuff.

I know.

I'm just saying.

Let me ask you a question.

Did he get a lot of money from it?

No.

He lost a lot of money.

Obviously.

Poor grandparents, too.

Probably their money.

Yeah, he actually killed them and used the insurance money to build it. Number two.
Is he married? Children? I'm saying, do you want me to ruin the end of it or no? Do you want me to ruin the end of it or no? Yeah, ruin. I don't care.
Okay, for people at home, it's a spoiler. Okay.
You're going to have to turn your volume off now. In three quarters of the way through, it's only 17 minutes long.
They reveal to you, he's gay. And you won't believe this.
What? The guy he falls in love with looks exactly like him. And he loves space shit.
He found love on Earth trying to look for aliens. Okay.
So he found Dick. He found Dick.
Yeah, it worked. But no aliens.
No aliens. Dick's look like aliens.
Dick's look like aliens. That's true.
There we go. So he did.
That's fine. So he did.
He found love. Okay.
Congratulations. You know what that means to me? And this means, everyone listen up.
This is a life lesson. Yeah.
If you do what you love.

Love will find you.

And let me.

Let me add on to that.

Red.

Let me add on to that.

Right.

Please.

Will there ever be a Netflix documentary about me?

Probably not.

Yes, there will.

Yes, there will.

I'm making it.

What's it called? What's it called?

What's it called?

Hold on.

Yeah.

Your Netflix documentary, When You're Dead, I will make it.

It'll be called A Childlike Essence, An Elf-like Body, and a noodle-like brain. I don't know.
A man, a boy, a noodle. Okay.
Thank you for being a bad friend. Fuck you.
Thank you for being a bad friend. Fuck you.
Hold on. If my Netflix documentary was about you seriously, it would be called Blissfully Unaware.
The Bobby Lee story. Because of your lack of awareness of nonsense, you don't let it get in your way.
It's beautiful. You know when they say ignorance is bliss? That's you.
You don't know. You don't need to know.
How much does a car tire cost?

How much?

A car tire? Yeah, how much? One car tire. Go.

Your Prius. I would spend...

I think if I spent over $1,000

on a car tire, I'd be like,

I think I'm just too much. You think that's too much?

Yeah. So you're saying just under

$1,000 is a car tire? I would say

anywhere between $500

and $1,000. Okay.

Just let's show the world. Real quick.

How much

Thank you. $1,000 is a car tire? I would say anywhere between $500 and $1,000.
Okay. Just let's show the world real quick.
How much does a car tire for a Prius cost? Rudy, you want to guess? Cost. Rudy, guess.
Don't look. Close your eyes while I'm Googling it.
$20? $20 what? $20. Or $50? For a tire? No, you said $20.
I said $500. $20, $500.
Where is it? Tell me. Wait, seriously? 20 American dollars? Yeah.
She lives from the Philippines. I say Pedestine.
Okay. The average car tire here, like let's do this Milestar Radial thing.
Okay? Yeah. On Amazon, one tire.
Oh, no, I was saying four tires. I said one tire, Bob.
One. No, I thought it came with a set.
I swear to God. Why would I think that one tire was $500? One tire here is, this says $70 just the tire.
There we go. So let's round that off.
That's $400 for four tires. You were not saying four tires.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, this can't be right.
You know what your documentary would be about? This is more about the numbers. $123, $200 a tire.
That's about right. $20? Yeah, I estimated from the Philippines.
That's how much car tires are in the Philippines?

Yeah.

We got to move there.

I know.

So that's right.

We're both right.

You're both wrong.

The documentary I would make about you is called Finding the Red.

Finding the Red.

Yeah.

Oh, I love it. And the whole thing is about, because you, there's something that happened.
you're a fucked up person something happened in your past right and it's finding where the red you know the anger the red no see you're making a mockery of it I'm trying to be real see you're making're making a mockery. So something did happen.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did you see the trailer for the new Batman?

I'm not done.

It's called The Batman.

I know.

I saw it.

I loved it.

Look at me.

The Batman.

Yeah, I saw it.

Why are you switching topics?

What do you want to know?

What do you want to know?

What happened in the past?

That my father beat me senseless into a coma when I was seven?

That he hit me with a car tire and I woke up four years later?

Is that what you want to know?

Is that what you want to hear?

That's the documentary.

How amazing is that?

What a great documentary.

The documentary would be about the four years that I was in the coma.

Yeah.

What happened?

Where did I go?

I had a nightmare last night.

Melissa Villasenora and I went to a theme park and she fell out of the ride.

I swear to God.

It was a gondola.

If you were in a coma, probably what happened is what happened to Uma Thurman and Kill Bill.

Everybody would have sex with me?

Would you be there?

I would do it just for the laughs.

One, two, three.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

No, she needs to say it with us.

Thank you for...

No, I want her to lead it.

You lead it right now.

Okay.