Rudy Runs for VP & The Podcast Guys Tour!

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LinkedIn, the friends. Andreas, can you hear me right now? Yes, I can.
Yes, I can. Yes, I can.
Yes, I can. Yes, I can hear you.
Yes, I'm down here with Fifele the Mouse. We are going on a traveling adventure today.
I am going to be riding on a matchstick down a river. I'm going to be in a riverbed riding down on a matchstick.
And today, I might eat a whole blade of grass. That's my Andreas.
Yeah, that's good. Is that good? Yeah.
I'm a Latin ex-boy. I come from Aspan, and now I work for George for minimal amounts of pay.
George takes all my monies. Ha, ha, ha, ha.
You just sound like, you know, in every Western, there's like that seventh guy that's a Mexican guy. Yeah.
We don't need to rob the bank tomorrow, compadre. Are we sure it's going to be safe? Tonight we can dance and sing and drink our whiskeys.
I was thinking maybe I could kiss one of the girls. I love that guy.
I love The Bad and the Ugly. Have you seen that movie? Love Good, Bad and the Ugly.
What a good movie. That's such a good movie.
Do you like movies like that? I just like certain directors. I like Sergio Leone a lot.
Okay, yeah.

I like Spaghetti, his stuff.

But Spaghetti Westerns.

Once Upon a Time in the West was great.

He directed that.

Yep.

The Good, Bad, and the Ugly.

He directed that.

Really good stuff.

Do you like John?

Do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like?

I've got to get in the mood, bud.

It's not against you.

I've got to get that engine running.

So it's like me attacking you. I'm just trying to get some vocal exercises done so that I can get in the mood, bud.
It's not against you. I got to get that engine running.
So it's like me attacking you.

I'm just trying to get some vocal exercises done so that I can get in the mood to do it, right?

Do you like, do you like, do you like?

Hey, we don't need to rob the bank tomorrow, compadre.

But, you know, I'll tell you something right now.

I'm in a funk.

I'll tell you why.

Because a couple of things.

Number one, something happened yesterday in the house I'd like to talk about. May I? Yeah, of course.
May I? I haven't interrupted you. Do you like, do you like, do you like? Ow.
So there's some sabotage going in my house. So the other day I was writing something on a piece of paper with a felt pen, right? And I asked Jules, I go, hey, Jules, if I write on this paper, will the felt pen seep in and mark the table? Of course it will.
Yeah, but she says, Uncle Tito, no. Uncle Tito, no.
It's impossible. Why did you ask her? I thought she was in school.
Yeah, She's used writing implements before. Did you not take felt bleeding 101? You didn't take that class? So then yesterday I did it again.
I had a piece of paper and I had to put some numbers down, a code. It seeped in.
It marked the table. Why don't you use your phone? Because I had to put in the code on the phone.

You hit on the speakerphone and go to your notes.

Oh, I didn't think of that.

I always go to notes.

What table did you ruin?

The dining table?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

So then I write.

I write.

It seeps in.

I get yelled at by my girlfriend.

Rightfully so.

Rightfully so.

And then I go to my girlfriend.

I go, but fucking, you know, she told me that it was okay and she goes no i didn't i i never i never said what do you have to say for yourself you have to say for yourself did you tell him it was okay i never said that did you tell him it was okay rude rudy did you tell him it was okay? No, I said it might stay in the table, and then he said, no, it's fine. Bob? Who do you believe? Who do you believe? Let me close my eyes.
Say the arguments one more time. So, Rudy, I'm going to ask you without looking at you because I don't want to influence you by looking at you.
Okay. Did you tell Tito Bobby that it was okay to draw on the table? No, I said the opposite Time out You told him not to do it Yeah Bobby, did Rudy tell you that it was okay? She did tell me And I want to know what position you have and what side you're on Because it's going to really dictate the way our relationship is going That's a side note Let's shoot it down to Fancy B Fancy B, who Bobby.
Oh, boy. Okay.
Well, you know, it's so funny, Fancy B, because yesterday— I mean Rudy. I mean Rudy.
No, it's so funny. No, no, no.
You just fucked yourself. Because it's so funny that you say that because yesterday, what, you were on a Zoom meeting with a bunch of guys that you want to write a movie with me in it and get me involved? Now you're out.
Uh-oh. Bye.
I can't fucking believe you, Fancy B. Wait a minute.
What movie are you guys writing? We're writing a movie. You're in it.
Okay, we're writing a movie together. You're in it, all right? Can I...
Do you have to understand where you are? Well, we got... Think about your fucking actions.
Yeah, I meant Rudy. Sorry, buddy.
Thank you. That's exactly right.
We have him down near... He's behind Plexiglas.
I apologize, by the way. Fancy B, I apologize.
I'll tell you why I apologize. Because he's viable to us.
He's viable. Not only that, it's...
This morning I had a discussion with my girlfriend and David Spade was on my podcast. Saw it.
Loved it. Great pod.
You should do it. I'm dead serious.
Great pod great pod but he said something he goes nobody really basically nobody really knows who you are you're hard to get to know to you? yeah and I'm like and then I kind of been thinking about that and I realized yeah who am I? you're having an existential crisis right now? I don't know who I am why I do what I do Why I treat people the way I do Oh, this is great Who did this? David Spade did this? Yeah Thank you, David And now No, I'm being real So am I And so it's like I'm not really in a funny mood I'm more in a crisis mode No, call it introspective I'm very introspective right now Yeah You're thinking Okay, so let's say this Yeah, look at her Look at her look at how fucking sour she is are you really pissed off no she seems are you thinking about the fucking marker thing yeah she is yeah what did i tell you because here's the thing you're right i'm i fucking i'm the one that said it's impossible and she said tito don't do that don't do it or i did that right but when i got yelled at right i turned fucking her and I said, in front of my girlfriend, I go, didn't you tell me that? I needed some backup. I needed her to lie on my behalf.
Would you ever do that for him? Would you back him up? Yeah. But why didn't you do it then? Maybe one time you backed me up.
One time. You've been living in my fucking house for six months.
When's the last time you backed me up? Every time you back her up. I always back you when Antikala said, is he going to be safe? Is he going to be responsible? I always say, yeah.
That's a vague thing. I want specific things.
Next time I do something wrong, specifically a certain act that I did that I got in trouble for, even if I'm in the wrong wrong i need you to back me up because that tells me that you're a part of the fucking group yeah that tells me a part of the part of the gang and also it gives it tells me a lot okay you gotta back him up you gotta back me up you promise yeah all right say say repeat after me say i i rudy jules rudy jules will alwaysules. Rudy Jules.
Will always back up Tito Bobby.

Will always back up Tito Bobby.

Even if it's a lie.

If it's a lie.

Even if it's a lie.

And I get deported because of the lie.

And I get deported because of the lie.

Very good.

There we go.

That's great.

And that you have, that's called, in America, baby, that's called a verbal contract.

Okay.

Hey, can I show you something I'm very excited about?

This is for Rudy, baby.

Listen up.

Uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

A boy wrote a song for Rudy.

Wow.

Listen to this.

Jimmy, you're the beat, boy.

Rudy.

Rudy.

Rudy.

You want to be my girlfriend.

Girlfriend.

I'm going to love you till the world ends.

World ends.

You don't know what you're missing.

and I'll see you next time. Jimmy on the beat, boy.
What you missing? I got the prescription. I know what I'm giving.
No, I ain't going to change it up.

Swear I'm loyal.

Tell us done.

Please hold us where I'm from.

Before me, that's why I need your love.

God, I made me for you.

Showing signs.

I'm looking up above.

I know I'm across the country, but I'll fly.

You hit us like a dove.

I'm only 17, but I'll be 18 in a couple months.

Drunk off of your love, but it's a long time.

So I'm 21.

My life gets where it should be.

I'm going to give you the world and then some. If you don't know what I mean by you, designer, couple binge drugs.

Hey, Juliana.

Oh, Juliana.

What do you think of that?

You know she has 28,000 followers on Instagram now?

What?

Yeah.

That's more than most of our friends.

I don't know.

And she's like, she goes, I don't care.

It don't mean much to me.

Do you engage with anybody?

Yeah. I talk to them when they talk about anime.
I know. Yes.
I talk to them, they talk to me about anime. First of all, did you like that song or no? It's nice.
But you have no interest in that boy? No. Okay, based on doesn't want to date a rapper based on the song what ethnicity is the person singing white white no no he's not he's a black dude that's a black guy that is he's a black guy that's a black guy and you know what what shame on you for not knowing? Don't know what I mean by you, designer.

Couple binge trucks.

Hey.

Juliana, I need you.

Gonna make your world amazing.

Swear to God that I'ma treat you. And I've never fell in love, but once we meet, I'm guaranteed to.

Got a heart that's still ain't fixed.

I got some flaws.

I won't mislead you.

Rudy.

Rudy.

Do you want to be my girlfriend?

Girlfriend.

This is great.

That's so good.

Rudy.

Rudy.

Do you want to be my girlfriend?

You don't want to be that guy's girlfriend? No. He says so many...
You know what? First of all, he doesn't cuss. He says he wants to treat you better than you've ever been treated.
He says he lives across the country, but he wants to get you a plane ticket to come meet him. Where does he live? I don't know.
He didn't say. He just said, I live across the country, but I'll fly you out here like a dove.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I listened to that song like 19 times.
In the shower this morning, I listened to it. That's weird.
On loop.

Oh, it's a little weird. I was just,

Rudy, do you want to be my girlfriend?

Yeah.

But, so, Rudy, also somebody

on her direct message goes,

I want her to be my girlfriend. So guys

are hitting her up. Are you engaging

in any of these guys that are trying to be your boyfriend, or no?

No. Yeah, you don't need any of that shit.
You don't need anything. It's gross.
You focus on school and life, right? Yeah. Yeah.
She really is a really good girl. I mean, how old are you now? 18.
18. When I was 18, oh my God.
Piece of shit. I was a piece of human garbage.
Same. What a turd.
What a turd. I didn't know what was going on ever Just was either partying I didn't pay attention to anything I was just on drugs and drinking You have a good keen mindset of what's going on Who did Joe Biden pick as his running mate? It's the black woman in California Perfect No no no Fuck that Fuck that Give me the name Or you're gonna make our households Look like shit I forgot You did? Yeah Give her some hints Okay her first name Starts with a K Let's go Last name H Alright I'll give you the first two initials Of the first K-A last name H-A Kate yes Kate yes he he son yes Kate Hanson Kate Hanson very good let's.
Very good. Very good.
Let's let go. Let's let's let's.
This is very good. So let's let's go with this.
Yeah, let's go with this. All right.
So what is the the current vice president's name? I don't know. OK, well, we'll start the first initial.
Right. And M.
Right. Last initial, P.
So go ahead. M-I is the first.
Last, P-E. Mark.
Mark. Mark.
Go ahead. This is good.
Mark. What's his last name? P-E.
P-E. P-E.
P-E. P-E.
P-E. You're doing it.
You're sounding it up. Mike.
P-E. Mark.
Mark. P-E.
P-E-N-ish. Yes.
Mark P-E-N-ish. Mark P-E-N-ish.
It's Mark P-E-N-ish is our fucking vice president. Isn't this fucking fun? That's really good.
So the vice president that's running right now is what? Kate. Kate.
Kate. Hanson.
You fucking forgot already? Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.
And Mark. Mark.
Panish. Mark Panish.
Mark Panish, yeah. Mark Panish and Kay Hanson.
Yeah, yeah. That's who they are.
You should know our history. You should know the current history.
Let's go back in time. Let's go back in time then.
Let's go. Who was our very first president? The first president of the United States.
You know who that was? George Washington. Very good.
Oh, you know that just comes out like fucking. Forefathers.
Yeah. Do you know who's on Mount Rushmore? No.
Do you know who's on Mount Rushmore? Oh, shit. This is fun.
No, it's not. It's gonna make me look like a fool.
I don't know either. Yeah, you do.
I'm pretty sure you know. No.
Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln, FDR? Theodore Roosevelt? Yeah, that's FDR. Yeah, yeah.
Wait, what? No. No.
John Adams. I think John Adams is on it.
I think John Adams is on it. Wait, wait, wait.
John Adams has to be on it. Who's on Mount Rushmore? I'm dead serious.
I don't know. You know why? Lincoln's on it.
I said Lincoln. I said.
John Adams. I said Washington.
I said Washington. I said Lincoln.
I said John Adams. I said Washington.
I said Washington.

I said Lincoln.

Who did I say?

Oh, shit.

Did I say them all right? There's Wash.

Jefferson, I said that. Teddy Roosevelt

and Lincoln. Oh, fuck.

I didn't get any of that right. I said FDR.
I meant Teddy Roosevelt.

You didn't mean that.

I did. I did.
Alright, alright. FDR was frankly

I look like a fucking idiot. No, you don't.
Give me another history question without even Googling it. I want to see if I can get it.
Declaration of Independence, when did we sign it? Oh, fuck you. Come on.
1718? 17... Nope.
What is it? 1776. 1776? Deck of Independence was 1776, the 4th of July.
Okay, well, I know questions like this. I'll ask you a question now.
All right, fine. Who produced the first four Talking Heads albums? Mark Panish.
Yes! Mark Panish did. And, yeah, and the engineer was? I think it was Kate Hanson.
Kate Hanson, yeah, yeah, yeah. She was good.
Yeah Brian Eno. Oh, Ryan Eno.
Brian Eno. Brian Eno.
What band was Brian Eno in? In the late 60s and early 70s. Beatles? No.
Skinos. Roxy Music.
So I know information like that. I don't know that kind of stuff.
Yeah, I don't know historical. Because I was doing math and falling asleep in class when I was her age.

That's really funny.

I didn't do math and I still didn't pay attention.

I was really so bad in school.

That's not my fault, is it?

Yeah, it's funny.

It's like I have interests.

I have certain interests and I'll learn about those interests.

But if I'm not interested or it doesn't pertain to my life, I don't feel like I need to absorb that information.

It's just too hard for me to retain it if I don't care.

Yeah, it's like, it's just bullshit.

They got to change just the high school curriculum.

Well, look, it's important to probably know some history,

but I also think I don't know if I... But why?

Because it's nice to know what the past is, right?

But if you have no interest in it,

how does that pertain to your life, though?

I think it's probably good to have a general knowledge.

Yeah, I know generally what's going on.

Okay, so that's... Right? I don't know.
But if you have no interest in it, how does that pertain to your life, though? I think it's probably good to have like a general knowledge.

Yeah, I know generally what's going on. Okay, so that's what I'm saying.

I think what we do is fine.

We don't have a good – I don't have a good – I couldn't tell you – okay, when was the Civil War?

What year?

Don't – I said I don't want to play this.

No, but that's my point.

I don't know it either.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I know it was back then.

That's what I say.

Back then.

Yeah, yeah, it's back then.

Back in the day. Different clothes, racist guys.
I don't know it either. Yeah.
I don't know. I know it was back then.
That's what I say. Back then.
Yeah, yeah, it's back then. Back in the day.
Back then. Different clothes, racist guys.
I got that down. Yeah.
Did you see the black, did you see the real life Clayton Bigsby on the news? The black white supremacist? No. For the grandsons of the KKK? No, no.
Or I mean of the whatever? Well, before we do that. Tell me, but I want to show you.
Go ahead. You haven't mentioned anything about my shirt.
I know. I saw it.
You know what it is? No. These are the first African-American astronauts.
No shit? Yeah. Can you name any of them? Yeah.
Right here. Frederick D.
Gregory. Frederick Gregory.
From the Gregory Institute of Harmonics. Whoa.
Yeah. Who else? We got...
Is that Tony Rock?

No.

And we got

John Waynes,

Frank Waynes.

Oh, the Waynes brothers?

Do you know Waynes?

Yeah.

It's the Waynes you don't know.

Oh, those are the other Waynes.

Yeah, yeah.

Ricardo Waynes.

Are these really

the first black astronauts?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's what it says, yeah.

The first black astronauts in space.

Well, it's funny

because I saw this

and it says

African-American astronauts. And when I saw this at a thrift store, I had to get it.
Yeah. Because I wanted to learn.
But you haven't learned any of them. I know, but I know that they exist.
It's like saying, you know, there are dwarf, it's like, say, say, I can't say it. Say it.
I'll get canceled. No, no, no, no, no.
Come on, come on. Say it.
It's like saying, you know, there's a dwarf running back for the Minneapolis Vikings. What do you mean? No, no, there's not.
I'm just saying that's how, I didn't know that there were African-American astronauts. That's how shocking it was to me.
Right. Not that I believe that everyone has a skill level.

I just had never heard of one.

Because NASA has 10 old nerdy white guys in your mind.

You watch all the movies, yeah.

But look at this.

This is Guillaume Stewart Bluford Jr.

That's one of the men on your shirt, I imagine.

Correct?

Maybe.

That's him at the top, isn't it?

Look at the very top by you.

Look at the top by your chin.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

By your chin.

By your chin.

Dr. Guillaume S.
Bluford. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. By your chin.
By your chin. Dr.
Guion S. Booth Blufford.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Guion Stewart Blufford. Yeah, he's here.
He's at the top by your chin. He's at the top, yeah, yeah.
Top guy. Yeah.
Do you know about him? I knew a lot about him. Well, can you just close the window before? Okay.
I know he was born in Philly. Fuck you.
I don't know. What were you going to show me? What were you going to show me? No, I wanted to show you the first.
I wanted to show you the black, black, white supremacist. You know, I remember that Dave Chappelle sketch.
Do you remember what I'm talking about? Do you know what I'm talking about? The black, the black, the black, white supremacist. He was blind.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's say their names.
Alabama has some opposition from about two dozen members and supporters of the Sons of Confederate veterans. Regardless how the next person feels, I'm not going to take my flag down.
If I got a thing to do with it, ain't no monument going to come down. Daniel Simms says he was adopted as a child.
My whole family's white. Went to an all-white school, grew up in an all-white neighborhood.
My grandfather was white, and he was the main one that fought in this war here. And he's taught me everything I know.
He explains how he'd feel if the statues and flag were relocated. It may make my blood boil if they just come up here and feel like they could just tear it down.
I don't see me still living if they do that right there. That monument ain't hurting nobody.
That monument ain't killing my soul. It ain't talking bad to nobody.
It't ain't even racist but dunson says she's confident her group will be successful in getting the flag and mon i mean well you can't blame the guy though because he was growing up in a because he grew up if he grew up in like an all-black home in like in you know then you would think what happened in his life.

Was he watching too many, like, you know, movies?

Did this guy not watch any movies?

Right.

Or maybe no movies.

Yeah.

But because, you know, you're a product of your environment.

This is definitely that it's nurture over nature in this regard.

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Only available with TurboTax Live full service. My parents, I don't know why, but my parents had like these crazy racist ideas about things.
And my brother and I were just like, nah. What would they say that would blow your mind? Oh, all Vietnamese, they deserve to die.
What's wrong? I don't know. I'm just saying he would say crazy shit like that.
No, I know. At the dinner table, and you're like six.
And you're like, I don't think that's right. Or like, you know me, if you gay, everybody's going to die.
Right? Yeah. I don't think that's deserving of death.
You know what I mean? And you're a kid, and you would lay in bed and just think of all the things. Did you and your brother talk about it? Oh, yeah.
Would you guys sit up at night? Yeah, I'd be like, Steve, Steve, I don't know how you feel about being gay or whatever. I'm not gay, but I just don't think that they deserve to be dead, do you? Right.
And my brother would be like, no, Bob, I don't – Bob, I don't think they should be – Because they're human beings and they have a heart and they have a family. That's exactly right.
Yeah, yeah. But we would have our own little – our own little powwow.
Did your mom feel that way? Was she racist? I mean she would say, if you don't marry Korean, I never meet your wife. Does your mom? So it's like – that was as a kid.
Oh, shit. But then what I did was I went, all right, I'll show you.
And I just did a bunch of drugs and stuff like that. And so it got to the point where they were more concerned if i was going to be alive or dead so they stopped like you know trying to skew my mind or you know or mold me they're just like if he meets anybody you know what i mean that's a miracle right yeah if he is just around, if you put one foot in front of honor, right? I'm happy with that.
Right? Yeah. So then it got to the point where they were like, you know, and then later in life, before my dad died, I made them vote for Obama.
I know. That's wild to me.
Yeah. So they waited in the line.
You changed their minds. Yeah.
But see, but that he was. Do you think, I'm going to ask you a real question.
Do you think if you never got through drugs and you never had a tumultuous childhood, do you think you would have been able to get through to them? If you did exactly what they wanted, do you think you could have changed their opinions on things like that? Or do you think because of such chaos, it like recentered their viewpoints on you? I don't understand what you're saying. Because you were a drug addict.
Because I'm a drug addict. And because they had such a hard time raising you, do you think that's why they were more open to be...
Yes. That's what I'm saying.
So if you had done by the book, they probably would have never been influenced by you. Yeah.
If I was done by the books, then I think they would be still trying to throw their ideas. But I have to say...
Drugs saved your life. I think it did.
Drugs saved your life in a weird way. I think in many ways, because I can't imagine...
I think it fucked my brain up where I behave in the way I behave. You behaved like this before that, didn't you? No.
You just think this was all post-drug? I just think when I was a kid, I don't think that this was the final product that it was intended. What was it going to be? I think it was more like so I'm here to talk about your insurance and this policy here is not really great for your...
I mean, that's the kind of person I think I would have been maybe. An insurance salesman? Or, you know what I mean? Just a regular job? Yeah.
Hey, boy. You know, clear up table number seven.
We got a party coming. Okay.
I could be that guy, too. Just putting in dishes.
A busboy? A busboy, yeah. Okay, okay, okay.
By the way, you as a busboy at your age would be fucking hysterical. A busboy at 48 years old? Not at 48.
I know. I was the one when I was 20.
It was so hard. I was a busboy when I was 20 as well.
It was hard. Where'd you bus? Brockton

Villa. It's the only restaurant I've ever worked in.

Oh, in San Diego? Because they promoted me as a

waiter. Yeah, but that's a nice restaurant.

Dude, in the mornings, though,

it's like the busiest restaurant in San Diego. No, but you made good

money, I mean, right? Not as a busser.

Maybe 40, 50 bucks a shift. I bussed

at Outback Steakhouse, okay?

Why? Do you have to do an exit?

I had to go, I'll clean your tables, mate. I go, would you like another shrimp from the babby? I had to bust at Outback Steakhouse because they wouldn't give me a serving job.
Yeah. That's what I got.
They were like, no, we don't have any positions available. You can be a busboy.
So I bust and wash dishes. I also remember, I don't know how I got there.
I don't know how I got the job. But I remember I was at like a congressperson.
I don't know how i got there i don't know how i got the job but i remember i was at like a congress person i don't know what congresswoman it was what do you mean someone who was in congress you worked for them no i was there was a banquet i don't i don't because i i just vividly remember yeah and i remember this guy going i was wearing like some weird like valet kind of a costume were you you a valet? No, I was like – I was supposed to pour water. Oh, you're a – like a – But I remember just being yelled at like, hey, man, Congresswoman.
Right? And I'm just shaking, putting – but I don't recall how I got the job. It had to have been just like through a friend was like, hey, they need somebody to do –.
It's like catering or whatever. Yeah.
I'll tell you all the bullshit jobs. And then when I came to L.A., I had a job licking envelopes.
Shut up. I'm not kidding you.
Twelve hours a day licking envelopes. Like the whole up and down? I was in the bottom of Beverly Boulevard, right some office and there were just piles of envelopes and I was licking licking all day and after two days Did you have water to dip your tongue in? No, they never gave me any water and I remember my mouth would get all dry and I had scabs cuts and scabs? Cuts on my tongue and I would still do it you know what I mean? And I did like fucking $3,000 a day.
How much did they pay you? Oh, it was like under the table. There was another Mexican guy there too.
He's like, hey, bro, go faster. You know what I mean? And I was like, go as fast as I can, man.
I'm a comic. I don't give a fuck, bro.
It's not that bad of a gig. Yeah.
And then they would give us like $20 under the table. I don't know what it was.
$20? Whatever. But I remember afterwards I was like, yeah, I'm done.
And then I actually did another shitty job I've had. There was this guy named F.
Scott Collins. He used to be an actor.
Wait, I know who that is. No, you don't.
Yes, I do. Oh.
He's been in stuff. A couple things.
But F. Scott Collins goes, hey, man, you need a job? And I go, yeah, I have no money.
He's like, I'll get paid you $100, right, just to clean my garage. Holy shit.
And I'm thinking, fuck. Cha-ching.
Yeah. Literally, it's not a garage.
It was a warehouse. What? Like an airplane hangar? It was like an airplane hangar.
It wasn't like a garage. It was like this separate building, right? Yeah.
That was probably formerly a house. Yeah.
And they gutted it and now it's a fucking garage. What the fuck was in there? Oh my.
You know what it looked like? Do you remember in Silence of the Lambs when she has to break into that storage house

that's what it looked like there was a car you know i mean with a head headless you know a head in it you know i mean like just a bunch mannequins shit everywhere and it was just cobwebs and spiders and i remember like and i had a fucking paper towel and windex walking in you know i mean going

this is a

three thousand

dollar job

yeah and it

was a hundred

bucks

a hundred

oh it took

me

you and Windex walking in. You mean, going, this is a $3,000 job.

Yeah,

and it was $100.

$100.

It took me probably four days.

Did you do it?

You finished it.

I needed the money.

$100 for four days of work?

It was terrible, man.

Holy shit.

By myself.

I've had so many

I've had so many shitty jobs.

I was a stock,

when I first moved out here,

I was a PA

and I was doing stocking stuff.

Like just stocking

in their bullshit room of like organizing DVDs and just hours and hours and hours and hours of nothing. And I had been getting super depressed and I was drinking a lot because I was just sad.
So I would just go get like a 12-pack of beer every night, the cheapest shit I could buy, and just drink it until I woke up the next day. And we were cutting boxes.
I'll never forget. We're cutting boxes and I was just was just terribly hungover.
And the kid that I was working with was brand new. And I cut open a box.
And as I open it, I crack it open, right? And stuff falls out everywhere. The DVDs fall everywhere.
And I was like, fuck. And he goes, whoa.
That box smells like shit. I had just farted.
But I didn't say anything. I just did one of those little little pinch and pulls you know where it's like let it a ghost you know like a balloon you're like but he goes whoa that box smells like shit and i pretended i go oh no yeah that's gross that i must the box smells yeah i'm blaming it on the box why do you own up to it it's a guy and then he goes and then he goes oh it's so gross i know he goes it smells like a rotten pumpkin and i was like does it he goes yeah it smells like a fucking pumpkin.
And I was like, does it? And he goes, yeah, it smells like a

fucking rat died inside of a

rotten pumpkin. And it had like

it had a disease.

And I kept thinking, that's what my fucking belly

smells like right now. So then

I had to fart again. Had to go open

another fucking box. I just kept opening.
Be like,

dude, these boxes are all poop boxes.

Where are these from?

I was embarrassed because he said it smells so fucking bad. I'll do it in front of you.
I didn't really know him. It was weird.
We were in the stock room, and I didn't know the kid that well. I was embarrassed.
I was embarrassed. I'll fart in front of my friends.
I didn't know that guy, and I didn't want to get fired. I didn't want him to be like, this guy's ripping shit in the fucking storage room.
It was like my first job in L.A., and I was so nervous to lose it oh i don't know why but that brought up a story i've never told before where i was like i met a girl i saw nirvana play where it was in orange county and it was like three weeks later he died he died wow but i remember um i asked this girl from work who I had a big crush on to go. I spent money, all the money I had.
And she goes, I'll go watch Nirvana. And we were in the parking lot.
And she's like, do you mosh pit? Are you a mosh pitter? And I'm a little guy, right? She's like, yeah, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.
Fuck yeah, mosh pit. You're like, I fucking, I'm small, but man, I'm like fucking like a piece of iron.
She's like, what? Yeah, I go, yo, you want to see? I start mosh pitting around, right? I don't know why I did this. In a parking lot? Yeah, in a parking lot.
I was just showing her, trying to be funny too. And i started swinging my head like and i hit her

fucking mouth and her tooth broke i swear to god it cracked like that i'm so sorry and i remember

she her mom picked her up or something i went i was by myself and i remember like being so i was

sober too and i remember being at the concert being by myself and i remember they were smoking

Thank you. And so I was like, okay.
As if they knew about what happened in the parking lot? No, but it was almost as if they saved me from relapsing.

That's nice, though.

Yeah.

Thank God.

Whoever those non-shareable stoners.

I don't know why the poop box story.

I don't know.

It got there, though. It got there in my mind.

Was it like a first date for you with that girl?

I never saw her again.

No, but oh, that was the first and last date.

That's it.

First and last date I ever saw her again.

The first date I ever went on in Los Angeles.

I took a bus to a gay bar in West Hollywood, met a girl. I didn't know it was a gay bar.
Just took a bus to meet her somewhere. I met her at this bar right on Santa Monica.
Naked dudes, I mean, just everywhere. And I'm like, oh, is this a spot? She's like, yeah, it's really cool.
Like, this is like a hip area. I was like, oh, okay.
And then the dude serving us was like, body shots! So I took a body shot off of this guy. Yeah.

Yeah.

Wait,

wait, wait,

a guy goes,

wait,

a guy goes,

a guy that works.

Body shot.

Yep.

Body shots.

And you took a body shot.

So what does that entail?

I put,

he poured it on his chest and I drank it off.

You drank off a man's chest.

Big black man.

Yeah.

A big black man.

I wanted to impress this chick.

I thought it was fun.

And wait, she's watching you do a body shop off of a black man. I wanted to impress this chick.
I thought it was fun. And then, wait, wait, wait.
She's watching you do a body shop off of a black man. Yeah.
And then what did she do? She didn't do one. I did one.
That's it. I know, but afterwards, was she weird? I never saw her again.
I didn't know. What was I supposed to do? I know.
We make mistakes. Because you think I want her to like me.
I know. We make mistakes.
And so this gay guy comes over. I want to show her that I'm okay with my sexuality.
That I'm not. So the big black guy gets on the table.
Oh, I wish. You know what? I wish I was there.
Body shots. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he lays down on the table. I would have been like, no.
I would have grabbed her arm. No, dude.
Dude. You're reading it wrong.
I was 22. I didn't know.
I would have grabbed her wrist. I go, no, no, no.
no I would have done that There's no way By the way though She was planning on like Leaving me at the bar I'll never forget She was like I think I'm gonna go home I was like I'll get out of here too She's like no you can stay I was like oh she Did she think I'm gay And I'm not But I did When was the first time you had sex I did have a good time 15 Marco 15. Marco Island, Florida.
On a hotel room. Why are you smiling and licking your lips? That's weird.
Really weird. Memories.
Memories. What happened? I traded a bottle of Captain Morgan's for a hotel room key.
You did? Yeah. And do you remember the girl's name? Oh yeah.
She was my girlfriend. It was my high My god Yep Condom no condom Condom broke That's right dad Condom broke I'm dead serious Condom broke On purpose Yeah Clip Poke a little hole Poke a little hole Yeah Oh no This one ripped No the condom broke In the middle of us having sex It was the only condom I had Well First Well, first of all, you're acting as if your dick was so powerful.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. It was probably sheepskin, very thin.
It was a nice Trojan. It was just pointy.
My penis is pointy. You circumcised, right? Yeah, but no, I mean, I have a tip.
I have like a sharp tip. It's like a pencil.
Is it? No, seriously, it broke. You know how it broke? Yeah.
I know. Oh, how? It was in my pocket at the beach all day.

Ah.

It was in the ocean with me.

But then when you, did you tell her, oh, it broke?

I went like this.

I went, oh, no.

And she goes, what?

And I go, nothing.

No.

No, I told her immediately.

I was like, oh, my God, the condom broke.

Yeah, yeah.

And she was like, what the fuck?

What the fuck did you do?

And I was like, I didn't do anything.

I had to, like, dude, I had to like maneuver a condom from a friend.

I was so scared to go buy one.

Why?

Can you buy condoms at 15?

I think you can.

You should,

right?

You should be able to,

yeah.

But I was so scared to go get them.

I had to get one from a guy who got one from a guy.

Yeah,

it's weird.

There was probably like a 30 year old on the beach.

What year was in the 90s?

This was in the year

1998

or something like that?

1998.

Eight or nine.

Yeah.

Wow.

That's what I moved to LA. Really? Yeah.
I lost my Virginia when you moved to Los Angeles. Wow.
Wow. I mean, that's the difference.
The age difference between you and I? Yeah, look it, we caught up. Isn't that weird? Okay.
Bob! Because it's funny how you call me and you start crying. I do.
I want to work. And you said, I'm going to name you.
Can I get involved? I can't get any work. I really can't get any work.
Everyone's in a pandemic. What do you need to be doing? You are working.
All right. Stop.
Bobby? No. Bobby? Stop.
First of all, I've had a conversation with somebody that we both know that told me that you just got another offer for a job. Who? None of your fucking business.
It's somebody I know that we know that just said you got another offer for a job. It's fine.
Don't play dumb with me, pal. Bro, we're in a pandemic.
You act like I don't fucking know things. We're in a pandemic.
I don't care. Why do you keep getting stuff? Are you more talented than me? No, you're way more talented.
No, we're the same. You can do accents.
I gonna do accents? Hey, bro, are you doing? No, but my point is, you're just prettier than I am right now. You're prettier than I am in Hollywood right now.
When you got, all right, I auditioned. They don't like me.
Stop. When I auditioned for Mixology, right, I didn't even get past the casting director.
Right? specific job that specific role I remember in my head laying in bed I couldn't even get to producers on that and then when I found out that you got it I went yeah it's over for me this is the new age and it's so not true this is the new group the young hot people right and it's same thing happened you weren't in this but undateable when undateable happened yeah same thing i i didn't who were you gonna be i couldn't get an audition funches i couldn't even get an audition yeah and then when everyone all my friends everyone got on it you did love and people started guest starring on it i was never asked whitney i you know i i want to everyone got on it. You did love.
And the people started guest starring on it. I was never asked.
Whitney. I want to say this.
Do it. And, you know, I love Whitney.
We're like this. But...
Like an A-frame house? This is the truth, but I just feel like this is going to be one of those regrettable. All right.

So, you know, I know Whitney.

True.

And I love her.

I've always loved her.

So when Whitney was casting, they were casting.

Everyone went in.

Did you read for Whitney?

Nope.

Oh, shit.

That makes me feel better.

But everyone that I knew, aside from you, went in.

Everyone except for you. Everyone Whitney brought her on the road.
You know what I mean? Can't even get an audition. Who are you saying that to? Just friends? Everyone.
D'Elia, everybody. Yeah.
Everyone. Outwardly.
So then one day I found out that the thing is pretty much cast or done casting. Then I get a call.
They want to see you. So I memorize it.
I go, I'm going into producers. I'm going to nail this fucking thing.
I walk there. I go there.
No producers. There's a girl with braces.
Are you ready for your audition? And I go, what? And they put me in a storage room. And they just kind of filmed me on a little handy cam.
Right? And she goes, okay, thank you. No notes.
No notes. You did great.
In the back of my head, I'm thinking, did they just do that so I would stop complaining? Or they just said, all right, you went in. But I didn't have a shot.
They did that so you would shut up.

That's genuinely someone being like,

just let them fucking read for something then.

With all the stories I just told you, right,

there was a big time period in my career

where I couldn't even get into rooms.

So, yes, I might be doing something

with Mark and Jay Duplass.

Okay? I pitched, you know what I mean? Andres, if I hear you laugh again, I'm going to pitch it. I might be doing something with Mark and J.
Duplass. Okay.

I pitched.

You know what I mean?

Andres, if I hear you laugh again, I'm going to break your fucking throat.

I pitched to ABC.

They bought my show.

Right.

Okay.

You know, I might have a campaign here.

A commercial campaign.

Right.

A couple of other things.

Two other shows I'll be doing next week.

So five things. We're shows will be next week.
So, five things.

We're in a pandemic, buddy.

Obviously we're not!

We're in a pandemic. Obviously you're not!

Your business is not in a pandemic.

So, you know, hey kiddo,

hey kiddo, go get back on the horse.

You know what they say?

You know what they say?

Always stay out in the rain.

Always stay out in the rain?

Who says that? I'm going inside, it's wet.

No, no, no, you don't. Because if you don't stay out in the rain, you might not get struck by lightning.
Why would I want to get fucking wet and then struck by lightning? It's an analogy. That's a terrible – an analogy? How about this one? I've been told.
How about this one? I've been told. What? Right? Don't you hate it when things aren't going well in your career? People give you analogies.
Yeah, they give me something that they think makes sense and makes none. Hey, man.
I heard someone once told me, hey, man, it's just like, it's like surfing. And I go, okay.
How? It's like sometimes, you know, you'll ride a big wave. Meaning, you know what I mean? Like you'll get on a show.
Yeah. And you'll, you mean, it's a long ride, right? But then sometimes, right, there are no waves at all, and you're just sitting out there, right? But the most important thing, buddy, is just have fun with being out there.
You know what I've been doing? What? I've been boogie boarding for the past 10 years. I know.
I hate. I don't like that kind of stuff when someone tries to tell you that there's like a light at the tunnel for a thing.
It's like, yeah, but it's my – these are our jobs. Yeah.
I hate – you know what I hate the most? Stay out in the rain? Footprints in the sand. Oh, God.
The Jesus thing? Yeah. You carried him and stuff? It's like – yeah.
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't have it memorized. Wait.
Am I saying the same one as you are? The footprint – the Jesus carried me or whatever? Yeah. So in my life, right, I saw footprints with me and Jesus back in my hardest times.
It was only one set of footprints. And then it's basically God going, yeah, that's when I was carrying you.
Right? Footprints in the sand. So basically it's this.
If I went to – let's say I died of cancer. What kind? Pancreatus.

Do you think you'll get pancreatus?

No, I'm just giving you a fucking analogy.

Let's say I died from pancreatus cancer.

Got it.

And I go to heaven and I'm like bombed, right?

And God's like, what's the matter, buddy?

I just – all my life, man, we had footprints side by side, bro.

And then when I had the fucking cancer, right, there was only one set of footprints. And God going, that's because I was carrying you.
Oh, cool. How about the second option? Now, don't give me cancer.
Thanks for the ride. Thanks for the ride, God, but how about no cancer? I want to see the footprints of the sand of him trying to pick you up and then stumbling.
It's like a drunkard on the beach. He drops you once and picks you back up.
What was this big lump in the ground? Do you think Tito Bobby is going to go to heaven when he passes away, Rude? Big pause. Wow.
Big pause. No, fuck you.
Big pause. Fuck you.
Rude. You really just heard me there, Rude.
No, I was thinking. What were you thinking about Yesterday when I walked into your room And I go what's up Jules And she looks at me She has tears Running down her face And I'm like oh fuck someone died What happened Jules? I finished an anime.
What the fuck is that? What world are we living in? You finished an anime and it made you cry? What was the end of it? Did everybody die? No, the best friends were parting ways. Wow.
What, did they go off to school or something? No, the other one is going to his father And the other one is going back home But none of them are dying They could see each other again Right no one's going to pick them up in the sand right? They still have to keep walking in the sand? Wow and that made you cry? Yeah because it's the end Of what? Of their friendship? No, of the anime, of the show.

By the way, that's what I'm dealing with. I know.
You wouldn't cry at a funeral, would you?

Have you ever been to a funeral?

Yeah.

Do you cry or no?

I cry.

You did?

Every funeral you've cried.

I've only went to, like, two.

And did you cry on both?

Dude, I went to my grandmother's funeral and I didn't cry.

I didn't know how.

Yeah.

I didn't know how.

Dude, I went to my grandmother's funeral and I didn't cry. I didn't know how.
Yeah. I didn't know how.
Dude, I got to the casket. I got up to the casket right up next to it.
What was this, by the way? I was a kid. I was young.
10, 11, something like that. Oh, I thought recently.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This is my dad's mom.
And I get up to the casket and someone next to me is like it's so sad and i'm not kidding i'm like this yeah it's sad i didn't know i didn't i try to pretend to cry yeah nothing came out nothing i know and then i walked away going trying to cry i couldn't do it i don know why. It was so surreal for me.
When my dad died, he took his last breath. You took his last breath.
You told me you sucked it right out of his mouth. Yeah.
And as soon as he goes, right? You heard it? Yeah. And that's it.
My mom and my brother acted as if it was the worst. It pretty bad, very bad one of the worst things ever but they were like doing rolls on the ground just losing it you know what I mean, flips and just I mean? And just bonkers.
And you? I'm standing there. I'm just looking at my dad and just nothing.
No tears. No.
And I walk up to him. I kiss his forehead.
I say, I love you. And I just walked out of the room.
Yeah. We handle it differently, huh? We all handle it differently.
Have I told you what my uncle did? No, I don't think so. Maybe.
Okay, so my dad's best friend is my uncle, all right? And we call him Jaganapa. Jaganapa.
Small dad. I mean, that's the translation.
Yeah. Jaganapa.
So we call him and go, he's going to die soon. He goes, okay.

And he drives from San Diego to Phoenix.

He walks in the hospital, the hospice.

My dad had died maybe 20 minutes, you know, before he got there.

Oh, he just missed it.

He missed it.

He walks in.

He looks at the body like this.

And he goes, bye.

And he got in his car and drove back.

No way.

Swear to God.

He just said bye?

He goes, to us.

He didn't say bye to him.

Oh, I thought he was saying bye to him.

He didn't look at my dad and go, bye.

That would have been so fucking funny.

That would have been good.

No, he just kind of looked and then looked at us and he goes, bye-bye.

And he just left.

Have you talked to him since?

No.

No.

Yeah, that's it.

Like, I had an uncle growing up that wasn't my real uncle.

But this is funny.

I didn't know until I was a little bit older.

When I say a little bit older, by the time I got cognitively aware that, like, oh, clearly it's not my uncle.

Yeah.

His name was Ira.

And he was a really, really in shape, good-looking gay guy. Jewish gay guy.
Wait, wait Jewish gay guy you had a real uncle that was gay? not my real uncle I didn't know until later I called him Uncle Ira he was my dad's good friend gay Jewish guy I'm thinking this is my uncle we don't have any Jews in our family I was like oh I don't know my Uncle Ira and only later would I realize that he was gay I didn know i just was like uncle ira's in great shape and he always has so many friends my dad is like well yeah some of his friends are you know they're really good friends and i'm like wow this guy's got a lot of good friends he always had like seven or eight dudes around him all the time young good looking you know like 22 23 year old dudes and i just i was like this guy's guys want to be around him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then that's how I learned about body shots. You might have to delete that body shop story.
It's shameful. Why? It's just so sad.
That I took a body shot off a guy? Yeah. Can I ask you something? Wait a minute.
You've never done anything shameful like that? Like I've sucked a dick before. Okay! Let me say something.
Ask you something. Yeah.

When you talked about the Ira guy. Ira, yeah.

Okay. It sparked

something else that I thought I would never say.

But, um, I need

your advice.

Okay.

So,

I'm not gonna tell you. I'm never

gonna tell you who it is. I know who it is already.

No, you don't. Yeah, I do.

Okay. You don't even know the

gist of the story. Uh me where it came from So my brain is going to a place Okay so I was at a club A comedy club Hanging out Another comic It was just me And this other comic How long ago? Before the pandemic Probably a year ago Okay And he's just sitting there and he goes, hey, man, can I express something to you, man? Because I know your dad died.
You know, it was like right after my dad died. And he goes, I go, yeah, he goes, I don't know, man.
It's just like when I was a kid, my dad had a business partner. And I go, uh-huh.
And the business partner would call the house and ask for me. And I go, uh-huh.
Basically, man, he gave me $100 because we were poor. You know what I mean? We're poor to jerk him off.
You know what I mean? Oh, no. And I was like, I didn't know what to say.
What was the business? It was a hand-jerking job. What was the business? It was like, you know what I mean? Just a hand job.
Handyman. They called it handyman.
Handyman. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Handyman. Yeah.
Wait a minute. But when somebody says something to you.
Wait, he said his dad's business partner paid him $100 dollars just to give him a hand job yeah and he did it all the time he did a lot a hundred dollars is pretty good it's a lot that's pretty good yeah that's right i think that's what i told him yes and he goes oh it is yeah he goes i go yeah what year it was in the 80s i go yeah it's like 500 bucks today it's like 500 bucks today wait so he did a lot but wait but yeah I kind of went – I didn't give him any advice because what do you say to somebody? I just said, all right, man. I'm about to go up.
He just got the light. Yeah, yeah.
I got to go. I just don't know how to deal with that kind of shit.
To this day, have you ever talked to him about it? No. He wanted you to help him through that.
He obviously was sexually abused. He also told me never to talk about it.
We just talked about it.

Yeah, but I didn't say his name.

Let's take a guess.

Let's have Rudy guess.

No, no, no.

No, we're not playing that game. Let's have Rudy guess.

Anyway, that hasn't happened.

His name starts with a...

Let's just say...

We'll say who it is.

He's an older comic.

I don't want to talk about it.

He's an older comic, Rudy.

His name starts with a C.

And his last name...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So C...

Yeah.

H...

It starts with C-H. name right t-o all right so

Chuck?

Yes.

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To To To To To To I have. It's good to be here.
That's sad. I shouldn't make fun of that kid.
Yeah, it's so sad. But he didn't have to kiss him or nothing.
You know, that brings up, right? That brings up, like, even this joke that we're doing. Yeah, it's a joke.
No kidding. It's a complete and utter joke.
But I just feel like that we're in a time, you know, in America. We can't joke about a story that's...
Where we can't even joke about stuff like that. it's a joke it's a complete and utter joke but I just feel like that we're in a time you know in America we can't joke about a story where we can't even joke about stuff like that it's not a funny thing listen anyone listening right now we're not it's a terrible thing they're fans they know we're just kidding I understand that but I just we have to now reiterate to them because you're afraid that someone's going to take that out of context you know it's like I've been accused of a lot of things that are taking out of context out of podcasts.
Sure. But anybody that knows, anyone that knows that means anything in the business, i.e.
all the people that you're working with right now, they know that we're fucking around. We're having a good time.
Yeah, but still, people on the internet and Reddit and people, they just start coming up with their own theories. Why do you think that is?

I don't know. Do you think it's because people are bored and they have nothing fucking better to do? No.
The pandemic? I think that a lot of people out there have been hurt in the past and have been victimized. And I think there's a lot of anger and rage that goes on with that.
And I'm all for fighting for the little man and fighting against oppression and wrongdoings. But it's like it comes to a point where it's like it is getting out of hand.
Well, I think – It's getting out of hand. I think people are going to pull stuff out of context on a podcast because it's the easiest thing to do.
To just go, oh, they made a joke about that and it wasn't okay. You can say every joke is not okay.
You can say that with every joke ever made. You can go, that's not okay.
That's not an okay thing to say. But people also seem to think that everything that I say or what we say is truth.
Yeah, of course. Yeah, and we're so far from – I mean – It's like, yeah, maybe 80% of my stories are based on some sort of truth.

But we embellish things, right?

We'll put in new characters and change things to make the story funnier or better because we're storytellers.

Well, that's what comics do.

Well, like for instance, that story you just told, that guy.

He didn't give him a handjob.

He used to blow his dad's friend. Fuck him.
No condom. Right in the asshole.
But, um... There, we're gonna get written up for that.
You know what's so funny, though? What? People... People are strange.
People are strange. And you're a stranger.
But, look, then some people are getting in trouble when you know it was coming. That what's even funnier to me like the joe biding the guy that got in trouble for uh he wrote joe in the hoe did you see that campaign that they did i was like you know you're gonna get fired a guy tweeted an image that was like joe biden's uh twitter campaign or whatever and he tweeted it and it basically just said joe in the hoe and he was like a professional photographer or something who was, you know, I was like, how do you not know that you, this is what I mean, like, if someone pulls something out of context for us, yeah, what are you going to do? They, the fucking, they just, they, they, what, what a weird.
That's Joe Ho. What a weird, that's Joe Ho.
Yeah, yeah. No, Joe and the hoe was a thing that someone just, yeah, look at this, this guy.
Look at this. And he tweeted this.
Yeah. And then he got fired for it.
Almost immediately, obviously, because... You know, how do you not know that that's going to get you fucking fired? Especially if you had a job that has profile.
First of all, you would know that. That's what I'm saying.
Like, how obvious. Yeah.
But that's my point, is like, when the internet calls out stuff that's ridiculous, like that, I go, yeah, come on, yeah come on dude that guy fucking you gotta know that that's the dumbest thing but when somebody takes something out of context that's a story from a fucking podcast of us just joking around I just how do you not know the difference that's just like of course they're gonna fucking yell at you about that I'm not saying the guy should be fucking strung out to dry and kill him for that but it's like well he knows that's dumb that's a dumb thing's a dumb thing to tweet. Yeah, it's just concerning to me.
Yeah, I mean, you know, I don't know. We're going to make it out alive.
As soon as we get out of the pandy, I think we're going to be fine. And Rudy is going to lead us out of the pandy.
When is that going to happen? Rudy, when's it going to happen? Next year. What time? You're the soothsayer.
You know. April.
April. Of next year? April 2021.
Oh my God. God, how many months is left now? September, October, November, January, February, March, April.
I have to count on my hands. I don't know how to do that month.
Seven months? This is so crazy. Think about it.
Do you really think seven more months? When's the last time you did stand-up? Philadelphia, Philly Punchline, March 8th.

Yeah, me too.

March sometime.

March 8th and 9th.

How long has it been?

April, May, June, July, August.

Five months.

Oh, wow.

Wow.

I don't feel like a stand-up anymore.

I don't either.

You know, it's so funny.

I don't even think I'm a stand-up anymore.

We're not.

We're podcast guys.

We're podcast guys now.

Look at us.

One, two, three.

Podcast guys. Welcome back to podcast.
No, I don't feel like a stand-up at all. Yeah.
I got an offer. What is it? Outdoor show, 20 people.
La Jolla? No, that I did get already as well. Outdoor show, 20 people.
Where? I'm not going to mention it because I don't want to – Are you going to do it? No. Yeah.

20 people.

Yeah.

I mean I've got – every day I get calls.

I was like, I can't do that.

There was a televised thing they asked me to do.

It was – I can't tell you who it was but probably the same guy.

Yeah.

But it was going to be like on streaming and it's 20, 40 people by being a big park.

And I'm like, yeah. I go, I'm not doing stand-up until it's back in the club until it's stand-up again yeah look i don't blame people for doing it i just don't i don't think i'm gonna be good at it i said on this other podcast if you and i got to go on a tour and do a little fun thing yeah we would probably have some fun but it's so hard to route it's tough to like get in a bus and then we have to drive all the way across the country yeah it's like you know back when we were doing stand-up and somebody you you run into an alternative comic say hey man i have this show in silver lake you know i mean at a laundromat and you're and every once in a while you'll go fuck it he's he asked me every fucking week he's a good dude i like him so i drive over there and it's like there's just 20 people in a laundromat you hear some lady dropping change and it's like and the comics up there are like reading other jokes off of a notebook and they're crushing right and I go up there to do my performance piece nothing right nothing you know and then you think and then you get off and you go man I fucking ate it I haven't I haven't eaten that so long.
They're like, you did well. Right? It's the same thing as this.
It's going to be the same thing. Yeah, you're not going to be able to feel it at all.
Yeah, you're not going to be able to feel it. But I like being on stage and getting, right? And dicks in the audience getting hard.
You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just like, you know what I mean? Juices.
I like it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't like cricket, cricket, cricket. I don't like that.
The outdoor thing has got to be tough. I think a lot of people are just doing it and dealing with it, but I just don't, I don't know, man.
Maybe you and I should go do one outdoor show. Well, I don't know.
I mean, it's, because we, if you're listening, Andrew and I were trying to do a road. We were going to do a road tour, yeah.
A road tour, maybe podcast in certain towns where you come out outside. I would do that.
Like let's get a – It's just really hard to do. It's hard to like figure out where you can go.
Well, not do stand-up, but let's get a minivan. Not a minivan but like a trailer.
How about this? A long time ago, Rogan wanted to buy one of those Sprinter vans yeah and he was like dude if you outfitted a Sprinter van with a bunch of cameras you could podcast from the van on the way to whatever venue we're going to yeah I was like that's a genius idea and he never did it and I was like just because he was like you could rent one of these Sprinter vans or buy them which is what he wanted to do and just put cameras in them and we could just pod from there we'd have Fancy B working the controls would controls. Would you be in there with us, Fancy B? Of course.
Fancy B could drive. Can you drive? Do you have a license? I do.
Do they give you guys licenses? Yeah. Fancy B could drive, right? Jules would have to go.
Yeah, she has to be shotgun. Shotgun.
Can you stay awake for long trips, though? I don't want you falling asleep in case Fancy B dozes off. I always sleep on car rides.
She always does. Okay, so we can't have her in the front.
We have to have someone that's a co-pilot that can stay awake. What if we give you a little bump of cocaine? You think you can stay awake? Do you have never done drugs? Look at me in the face and say I've never done drugs.
She never has. Say I promise.
I promise. But we go to town to town.
We do four cities. Four cities.
Start with four cities. Where do we go first? We'll probably go to Phoenix.
Phoenix? Right. Then to Albuquerque? Albuquerque.
Austin? Austin. Houston? Houston, Dallas.
Yeah. Back home.
Yeah. That we could do.
A little Southwest tour? Yeah. Okay.
No, I'm being real. I know.
We pot it. And pod in a van, right? Don't you think it's a good idea? No, but we have to set up venues where we can do our podcast.
It's a live podcast. Yeah, outside though.
Outside. And figure that out.
You think we'd be able to do that? Yeah. Live pod outside, and then people just show up in their cars like that? No seats or nothing, right? No chairs?

No, we could even do seats

and just have some sort of

social distancing merch table

where we sell stuff.

We'll make Fancy B or George sell.

Fancy, will you go sell merch?

Yes.

Or people can just...

What I would love

is people wait in line, right?

We have a table set up

and you and I are just standing... There's a whole area where we're way far back from people 30-40 feet 20 feet 20 feet right and people can say hi right and we just go what's up man thank you for coming and that kind of thing and then you know what we'll do we'll do a plexiglass and we'll like the scientists do when they're doing experiments we'll have our hands through with the gloves do you know what I'm talking about and we can wave to people and shake their hands through those gloves we could also do a plexiglass Yeah And like the scientists do When they're doing experiments We'll have our hands through With the gloves Yeah Do you know what I'm talking about? And we can wave to people And shake their hands Through those gloves We could also do a Plexiglass thing To take photos with people That's what I'm saying Yeah But our hands can go Through the gloves Like the scientists do Do you know what I'm doing? Yeah that's cool And we can high five them Yeah And they can kiss us On the glass If they want to kiss us On the glass Kisses five bucks obviously Yeah Or smear your tit Against the plexi.
Plexi? Plexi tits. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then we'll shake hands and we'll say hi to people. Do you want to do that? Yeah, I do.
And if they can't hear us, we'll put a string through it in like a can. Remember when you see cans when you're a kid? Yeah, yeah.
I'm down to do it. If you're down to do it and we get in a bus, we can do it.
We have to rent a big bus and do it. We have to sleep on the bus.
Well, yeah, it's got to have beds in it. Yeah.
So we do a trailer. What do you call them? No, RV.
RV. Yeah, we'll do an RV.
A cool RV. Probably George and George, Fancy B.
Fancy B, Jules. And us and are we bringing our ladies or no? They have to leave them.
Yeah. Because there's nowhere for them to sleep and they can't sleep with us.
We need to sleep in our beds alone.

Yeah.

George and Fancy B share a bed.

Rudy gets one, and you and I get one.

Three beds.

Yeah.

Well, three beds, but four.

You guys are fine sharing a bed, aren't you, Fancy?

But if you look at one of those trailers, there's a back section, right, where the main bed is.

That's me and you.

We're sleeping in there together. Okay.
Yeah, but we got to get it. Yeah, but separate beds.
We'll put a piece of glass between us. No, no, no.
I'm not sleeping next to you in that way. You wouldn't sleep in bed with me? You're a fucking mom.
You wouldn't sleep in a bed with me? No, no. I can't.
Please. No.
Please. But then on the side, there's these individual beds on the tour bus, right? Yeah, and they get those.
They get those. There's always four.
How about this? This will be great. Here's what we'll do because we want a democracy.
Yeah. You can get the main bed.
I'll take – because four beds, I'll take the top. No, here's the deal.
We switch over who gets what bed what night. It's a gamble.
We put our name in a hat. No, no, no.
I'll just take a small bed. I'll take a small bed on the top.
I don't get a – you can take the main bed in the back. Sounds great to me.
Okay, good. You can take the main bed in the back sounds great to me okay good you can take the main bed in the back

you don't want the main bed

I like the little bed

I like the little bed

because it feels like

back home

that's racial

but on my own

what do you mean

that's racial

back home

I have a fucking

double king sized bed

right home

back in Korea

oh yeah yeah

it's a small bed

tiny little beds

down there

yeah

let's do it though

no I'm serious

if you really want to do it

we should plan it

but I don't want you

to just say it

let's make the call

we'll do it for the fall

I'll call after this

in the fall

well yeah

I'm saying earlier

We're approaching the fall. Do you know what time of year it is right now? We're about to be in the fall in like three weeks.
Yeah, the fall. I want the fall.
Can we call one of our agents and see if we can do it right now? Yeah, let's do it. You want to? Yeah.
Oh, who do I call? We'll call your agent. Let's see.
Let's see what he says.

Hello?

Matt Blake, Andrew Santino.

Great to talk to you, bud.

What's up, Santino?

How are you, buddy?

It's me too, Bobby.

Bobby's here.

Your agent.

I mean, your agent, your client. What's up, Bobby?

Your client.

You're on our show.

Hey, Bobby, how are you?

You're on our show right now.

You're on our show.

Oh, boy.

Is it that?

Is it that?

Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? On our show. Oh, boy.
Mm-hmm. Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that?

Is it that?

Is it that?

Is it that?

Is it that?

Is it that?

Is it that?

Is it that?

Is it that?

Is it that?

Is it that?

Is it that?

Is it that?

All right, guys.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Do you have sleep apnea?

I do.

You do, don't you?

Yeah.

I can hear it when you breathe.

I do have it.

I'm dead serious.

Like, if you, here, let's be silent for two seconds.

Will you just breathe into the mic?

I've been smoking too much, I think.

I gotta quit.

Let me hear you breathe with your nose into the mic. Just your nose.
Go. Oh, yeah, there it is.
I can hear it. You have sleep apnea, huh? In the middle of the night, you go...
Oh, I make noises at night, yeah. I make, like, these kind of noises.
Yeah, yeah, and it drives Kalyla crazy. But then Joe Coy has it.
Joe Rogan Coy? No, Joe Rogan Coy has it, and he has to wear one of those Bane masks to go to sleep. Yeah.
And I saw him wear it once, and I go, I just don't want to – but I think it's the smoking. You think the smoking is causing it? Yeah, I'm smoking a lot.
But sleep apnea – I need to quit. Sleep apnea, you can

die from it in the middle of the night. You know that, right?

That's why he wears a mask. Yeah.

But how many are smoking now? Are you smoking a pack a day?

No less.

But I've been

having a hard time breathing. Let me ask

you something real. I'm not being mean.
Does Kalilah make

you brush your teeth before you kiss her? After you smoke?

A couple times, yeah.

She's like, get in there and

wash out the trench before you get over here. Yeah, I need to get healthier i'm gonna die i don't think i don't think you're gonna die right now from smoking but it's definitely gonna hurt you in the long run i guess yes it is gonna i mean maybe i'm having a hard time breathing i think like in general like when you just walked up the stairs after you smoked it was like mount everest.
Seriously, it's hard. Yeah.
Are you breathing heavy? Yeah. Here's a good pulse.
Here, check your pulse. I put your here.
No, I have high blood pressure. Well, how many beats per minute are you? 42.
That's literally impossible. I don't know.
42 would be like a high-end athlete. That's like a world-class athlete.
He's sub-60. Two, three, four, five, six.
Yeah, 42. Two, three, four, five, six.
What is that, a Broadway play? 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8? Yeah, I have real conditions. Are you taking blood pressure med? Yeah, I am.
What's it called? Amblopine. Amblopine? Yeah.
And what is it for? Is it for people who have... High blood pressure.
I've never heard of that one. Does it affect you any other way, or no? It affects my dick a little bit.
You can't get your pee-pee hard? Yeah. Are you being serious? Well, I was making love to Kalilah the other night.
Gross. And she was looking at my talons.
Your hook feet? Yeah, like I don't cut my nails. So she took a glimpse of my toes sticking out of the blankets like this.
And then she was just like, that took me out of it a little bit. Don't look at my feet.
I don't want to show my feet. I'll show my feet, you show your feet.
You end up on wiki feet. I don't want to be on wiki feet.
I have bad feet. What if you're already on wiki feet for having weird feet? I'm not on wiki feet.
Have you looked? Yeah. How do you know? There's no way I'm on wiki feet.
Celebrity search, let's see. Bobby Lee, God, I hope so bad you're on WikiFeet.
Damn it. Nothing.
Whose feet do you think that are on here that you want to see on WikiFeet? I'd like to see... Brad Pitt? Brad Pitt's feet.
You think he's got hot feet? I didn't even know there was a WikiFeet. Yeah, WikiFeet, feet, feet.
Brad Pitt, too many Ts. Too many Ts.

How did they knock out that guy's foot?

That guy's got a... Because he's wearing shoes all the time.

He's got to take off them shoes.

No.

Who do we have here?

This says celebrities, but I don't know any of these names.

Ely Goulding, she's a singer.

Alicia Ambrosio, Vanessa Hudgens.

Isn't this weird?

There's a real site dedicated to people's feet.

It's not nudity.

I've never had a foot fetish, have you? No. I mean I think like women's legs and feet are sexy.
I do too. But I don't – but like this.
Look, there's no nudity but just somebody – But I've seen porn where like the guy is like taking a woman's foot and then he takes the bottom of the feet, sandwiches his penis in between. Yeah.
And then the girl has to do this weird like, you know what I mean, this move. And the guy's like, yeah.
You know what I mean? I'm like, what? The whole time I'd be like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I don't get it.
This is the thing. People like this.
They like to look at their feet. What is that, Rudy? Do you have a fascination with feet? No.
Do you know why people do? I don't know. It's sexy for them? I guess, but it's kind of weird sexy.
It's just a foot. Let's say, because I know that you're attracted to Harry Styles, right? Let's see if his feet are on here.
How do you spell his name? H-A-R-R-Y-S-T-Y-L-E-S? Yeah. Come on, Wiggy Feet.
What a crock of shit. All right, so, Jules.
Feet of the year. Let's suppose you're making love to Harry Styles, and you look down, and his feet, right, were, like, green and black because of, like, you know.
If they were like Tito Bobby's. Like my feet.
Would that turn you off and they smelt? Kind of, but I think I'd still do it. Right, because you just love him so much.
That's how hot that guy is. Wow.
But you know what's so crazy about this? Feet carry the weight of your body. They're inherently going to be gross.
I don't care how good you take care of your feet. You're going to have gross feet.
They carry the weight of your body, and they're the bottoms of our body. Right? It's the same way I feel about, like, why are we attracted to butts? It's your poop portal, and I don't know why we like it.
But I'm not like – I'm very specific with butts.

Like what kind of butt do you like?

Like I know – I have certain friends that like booty.

Black eyes.

I'm not going to say that.

Black eyes.

That's what I meant.

I didn't mean that.

Yeah.

Yeah, right?

But they're just like thick-ass booties.

They love big booties.

And I look at this one on the internet, whatever, and I go, uh-uh. I like it i like it to a degree you like a regular but i don't like it when it's cartoony i don't like cartoony butts either yeah and now people getting butt implants and i see girls and it's insane yeah but i um i like regular i'm a vag guy right that part i like too yeah yeah and there are certain ways of vag looks where i just get turned off but that's you know I'm not body shaming anybody.
Yeah, you are. Whatever your vag looks like, that's on you.
That's fine. No, whatever.
Just the way you're doing your hands. You're like, whatever your vag looks like.
Let me ask you this. If you – let's suppose you're not married and you meet the most beautiful woman you've ever met.
Yeah, I see her now. Okay, and she spreads open.
You're eating the vagina.

Just don't be too graphic.

I'm not.

You're eating the vag.

I'm going down on her.

You're going down on my bad.

I'm not a doctor.

Yeah.

And you open up the cavernous floor.

The flower.

And you, instead of a clit, right?

Instead of clit, there's a little penis.

You're like, in the beginning, you're like, is that a clit? But then it just gets erect. Right.
And it just gets hard. And it's literally – you have the head and the head and the stem.
And I pull away and I go, what is that? And she says – Yeah, I was just born with a little penis inside my vagina. Oh, whoa.
And then she looks at you and she goes, will you suck it, please?

Would you suck it?

What if I get it?

You do a lick first.

Yeah.

You would do a quick lick.

Just one.

Okay, that's it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If she's the most beautiful woman

I've ever met in my life.

Yeah, she's like,

more, please.

Right, right.

And then I would say,

I have enough money.

Can we get it taken off? She's like, no, I really like, that's where I get all my sensation actually I come out of it right so she's like just suck it right and yeah like I stick it in my mouth real quick yeah blah blah and back it back out yeah and then what if it just you know it just sprays in your face you know what I mean like just hot just hot milk. You know what I always thought would be really cool?

If a girl had one big boob.

If there was just one boob on a chest.

You think one boob would be cool?

Yeah.

Two boobs is weird.

One big boob would be cool if it was just one big mound boob.

Yeah, you know, I have fantasies about limbs missing.

Like a girl with one leg gone?

Yeah, a leg gone.

Like a removable?

No, I wouldn't want that.

That makes me laugh.

Yeah, I wouldn't laugh too hard.

If a girl gets in bed,

it goes,

takes off her legs.

I wouldn't laugh so hard.

Right?

And she just puts them on the counter.

Her eyes?

Her eyes?

Like a Mr. Potato Head.

I would laugh so hard.

And then she's just a body?

I would laugh so hard.

I would still do it.

Wait, wait.

Do you have fantasies

about people with missing limbs?

Yeah, one time I was

at the La Jolla Comedy Store

and there was a girl,

I just saw her face and she was beautiful yeah and i looked down and she just had nubs both of our arms both our arms geez and i went i thought to myself yeah still 100 percent i think you'd have to drive all the time yep and that's the excuse yeah you can't you know also But you never have to give her a hug. That's true excuse but you never have to give her a hug that's true she's never going to be like hug me goodbye you're like I just wave yeah but then you have to wipe everything down is waving rude is that like showing off that's not how I would wave you know how I would wave bye and I would wave with my i this is this is crazy but there was a guy sitting at the bar and where were we in austin at the cap city and we were outside of the bar all night i was drinking with this guy talking laughing he gets up to go away and he's got one of those legs where the shoe is big do you know what i'm talking about it's like a big shoe because one leg is really really short and i i saw him get down he goes i'll take take it easy and i didn't know what to say yeah and i'm looking at his and i go oh my god that's you gotta that's a uh i know i got so uncomfortable and he was like what's up and i was like uh that those custom shoes those shoes are dope and he was like oh yeah yeah it's what yeah it's what yeah i have to get it because my one leg is longer the other one i i was like i know i see it yeah it's weird i don't know what to say sometimes i was at the ice house and there was a line to come to my show right and there was a group of guys and one guy was making like the funniest face it was like this just fucking around yeah he was like in front of his face i go that's a funny face funny face.
And he goes, what do you mean?

And that was his face. Like he had some sort of like, you know, disorder.
Disorder. Right? He's doing that.
And I was like, I mean, you know what I mean? You're handsome. You don't know what to say.
What if he does a regular face and he looks like us? Like this is him all the time and he's like, oh, look, I'm one of you guys. Oh, yeah.
And he goes right back to it Yeah Do regular face Do regular face Mike He's like Yeah They have a nice laugh at us Yeah Hey We all have to make fun Of each other equally Isn't that right Boop? Yeah You ever watch Have I talked about Body Bazaar? I have right No What is Body Bazaar? It's one of my favorite shows in the whole world. Do you know what this is? No.
Body Bazaar is the best show ever. On what? It sounds like an old HBO show.
No, it's new. They have new seasons.
Body Bazaar. I'm telling you right now.
Look it up. Body Bazaar.
Yeah. Show.
Okay. Tell me more.
What is it? What's the deal? Every episode, there's like three or four different cases of people with like disorders that are very like unusual. Oh, dude.
I've seen this. Yeah, Body Bizarre.
I've seen this. Body Bizarre.
Yeah. I've seen this before.
Yeah, I've seen – I saw the guy that has hair like growing out of his eyeballs and stuff. The hairiest man man in the world I've seen that guy yeah or what about like you know what I mean a guy that lives in the jungle and he's a tree yeah he's made out of yeah he's made like a tree he's a tree man right oh look at this tallest woman in the world yeah tallest boy and the wait the tallest boy and the man with his the tallest boy that's a boy is that a boy that's a woman it says the tallest boy and the man that's a woman it says the tallest boy my friend that's not a boy I That's a boy.
Is that a boy? That's a woman. It says the tallest boy.
And the man, that's a woman. It says the tallest boy, my friend.
That's not a boy. I've seen that episode.
That's a woman. It literally says the tallest boy.
So that's a boy. And the man with his first hand.
That's just the background of the actual show. That has nothing to do with...
This stuff is crazy. Oh, that one right there.
Twins? Attached to the head. Twins who have...
Hold on. Tw twins that have attached to the head that blows my mind dude if you and I if you and I were fused to the head and we had the same personality our same dynamic the worst thing in the world they just one day would find our skeletal body one with a fucking in our skeleton a fucking sword sticking out, right? One's completely burnt on fire.

I mean,

imagine every night.

I mean,

because I don't sleep

until six in the morning.

I'd fucking kill you.

I would fucking kill you.

Yeah.

I'd kill you so fast.

I would kill you so fucking,

how would you kill me?

Slut your throat.

No,

but if we're head to head.

Yeah,

and I go to the top of it.

Oh,

right,

right.

I'd stab you.

Yeah,

and I would do this.

We would be in a stabbing war like this.

Yeah,

oh my God. This poor woman, some of these cases are just insane.
Insane, look at that. That's stab you.
Yeah, and I would do this. We would be in a stabbing war like this.
Yeah, oh my God.

This poor woman.

Some of these cases are just insane.

Insane.

That's crazy.

That's you and me.

What can I say?

We're attached to the hip.

Yeah.

That's the craziest kind of stuff to me.

That their bodies are fused.

You know what I don't like when I watch this?

Like, whoa.

Check it out.

Wait, hold on.

Just look at this one.

Whoa. I know dude

over here please

over here please

yeah

what are you looking at

terrible

yeah

what don't you like

what

this is

I hate like

I hate like

you know how

white people want to

fix people

what

when do I try to fix you

check it out

so

alright

sometimes we'll see like

in a village

in India, a girl will be born with like 12 arms. Mm-hmm.
And what happens when that happens? What do you mean? She's the coolest girl in town. Well, yeah.
The villagers find her. They worship her as a god.
Yeah, she's fascinating. They put her in a temple.
They think she's Shiva. They pray, right? But then some white British doctor was, I'll do it for free.
I'll do the surgery for free to make his – Yeah. And then she just – he removes all the arms.
She's not a god anymore. And then like eight years later, she's working in a non-factory.
Right? Yeah. With just regular arms.
Yeah. And she's like, this is fucking bullshit.
I used to be a god.

They used to throw pedals at my feet when I walked out of the house.

I didn't do shit.

Now I've got to fucking make nawn all day.

The doctor's like, well, I did it for free.

Yeah.

White savior shit is fine.

I hate white savior.

If I had 12 arms, I would just say, please don't remove them.

Well, how about the one guy that left his arm so long in the air that his arm fused that way?

Did you ever see that guy? He held his arm out for like 60 years. No.
There's no way. Swear to God.
There's a guy that held his arm up in the air. Man holds arm in air.
Dude, he held up his arm in the air for like, look at that. There he is.
Boom. There's my guy.
Indian Sadhu keeps his arm raised for 38 years. Sorry, I was wrong.
38 years. This guy.
Look at this guy. Yeah.
Why? This is years ago. Why? He was waving to somebody and they just didn't see, so he left it up there until they...
I will not put it down until he waves back. This was a long time ago, this guy, though.
Wow. His devotion.
Look, this is years and years ago. Amir Bharati claims to have kept his hand raised for 38 years in devotion to Hindu deity Shiva.
You know what I would do to him? Shiva's the one we're talking about with so many arms. You know what I would do to him? What? If I was his buddy, right? No, no, no.
He'd be like this, right? And I would pull his fingers up so he'd do this motion. So it's like a Hitler thing.
You're like Hinduism, huh? He was like, I can't pull it down. He can't pull it down.
Please help. Help, help, help.
Twist my fingers back. But they showed this guy, pictures of this guy.
You can see his fingernails grew super, super long. It's crazy to me, dude.
Yeah. What people do.
Look at this guy and look at how skinny his arm. Oh my, that's a stick now.
Yeah, and look at his finger. Those are his fingernails.
That's how long those are. Those are his fingernails.
So I guess if you don't move it, you lose all the muscle.

Well, the muscle dies, and then the bone

fuses that way. Wow, and the bone

fuses that way. There's no energy

that that takes then. Nope.

Right. He would do great in New York.
But he's got a

cell phone. Look at him.
Yeah, he's calling.

He's calling his Uber. He's hailing his Uber.

Yeah. Can you

imagine? Yeah, that's insane. Left his arm

for 38 years.

That kind of stuff is crazy to me. Dude,

honestly, some people have way more

I'm serious you gotta quit I need to do it soon everyone that's listening all the fans write in on Bobby's Instagram page quit smoking everyone, quit smoking. Everyone write quit smoking in the comments.
Yeah, I had to quit. Seriously.
It's affecting my lungs. Well, what can we do to get you to quit for real? I don't know.
How are you willing to go about quitting? Well, I'm doing less, so I'm more mindful about when I do it. How about this? Here's a way to do it.
Go into your pack and throw away half of the pack. I have 15 packs at home.
Okay, this isn't going to work. Yeah.
Wait, really? You have 15? You bought a carton? Yeah, I have like 100 packs. Why? So I don't run out.
All right. You're going to go home, Rude.
And you're going to throw... He doesn't know where it is.
I hide him. Why do you do this? I hide it.
Can you find his cigarettes? Do you know where they are? Maybe on his bed. In his bed? Like at the side.
Oh, he does. There's a table, but it's really disgusting.
It is. What do you mean? There's like ants.
There's ants inside your house on your side bedside table? Yeah. So we have these two beautiful side, you know.
Bedside tables. Bedside tables.
And we,

Kalilah's and I are the same style.

Right.

But her drawer is,

has these little compartments

so she put little boxes in there.

This is where my meds go.

Right.

This is where the keys go.

Right.

If you open mine,

it's like a fucking

aerial view of fucking

Vietnam.

I mean, it's like.

What's in there?

Is there food in there?

Yeah.

Food wrappers, old donuts, ants. Do you eat food in bed? Fingernails.
You eat food in bed? Skin. Does Klaila let you eat food in bed? No, but what I'll do is she'll fall asleep and I'll go Indian style in front of my bedside table and I prop my iPad on it and I watch like horror movies and then I'll be eating like a Snickers bar you know what I mean? and then I'll take powder powder? yeah I take this stuff called dream powder it helps me to go to sleep oh does it? not really so I'll be eating Snickers I'll do dream powder and I'll drink a Diet Coke and I don't want to go to the kitchen.
I'll just throw it in the fucking drawer. So you throw it in the drawer next to your bed.
Yeah, yeah. And it's never been cleaned.
Mm-mm. Mm.
Mm. Everyone needs to write in, Bobby.
I have problems. Quit smoking.
No, quit smoking. Yeah.
That's the first thing we're going to take care of. Next week, we're going to do an exercise on how to quit smoking.
Yeah. I might be too late, though.
No, no, no, no. My lungs are over.

My dad smoked for like 35 years and he quit.

You did?

How long did you smoke for?

You've only been smoking for like 15. Since I was 18.

All right, so 45 years for you.

Yeah, yeah.

We're going to get you to quit smoking, okay?

Your dad is still alive?

Yeah, and his lungs are clean now.

They are?

I mean, they're cleaner than when he was smoking.

Yeah.

Will you please quit?

Yeah, I'm going to try.

All right. All right.
Thank you for being a bad friend. This is that.
This is that. This is that.
This is that. What was weird? This is that.
Not only that. This is that.
This is that. This is that.
This is that. This is that.
Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that Is that What was weird is that What was weird is that What was weird is that What was weird is that What was weird is that What was weird is that?

Not only that, is it that? Thank you. Yeah.
Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.