Rudy Runs for VP & The Podcast Guys Tour!

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends. Andreas, can you hear me right now? Yes, I can.

Speaker 2 Yes, I can. Yes, I can.
Yes, I can. Yes, I can.
I can hear you. Yes, I'm.
I'm down here with Feifel the mouse. We're going on a traveling adventure today.
I am going to be riding on a matchstick

Speaker 2 down a river. I'm going to be in a riverbed riding down on a matchstick.
And today, I might eat a whole blade of grass.

Speaker 2 That's my undress. Yeah, that's good.
Is that good? Yeah. I'm a Latinx boy.
I come from Haspan. And now I work.

Speaker 2 Now I work for George for minimal amounts of pay. George takes all my monies.

Speaker 2 Ha ha ha ha. You just sound like, you know, in every Western, there's like that seventh guy that's a Mexican guy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 We don't need to rob the bank tomorrow. Are we chore?

Speaker 2 Are we sure it's going to be safe? Yeah. Tonight we can dance and sing and drink our whiskeys.
You know what I mean? I was thinking maybe I could kiss one of the girls. Yeah.
I love that guy.

Speaker 2 I love the good, the bad, and ugly. Ever see that movie? I love good, bad, and the ugly.
What a good movie. Such a good movie.
Do you like movies like that? Well, I just like certain directors.

Speaker 2 I like Sergio Leone a lot. Yeah, I like Spaghetti, his stuff.
But Spaghetti Western. Once upon a time in the West was great.
He directed that. Yep.
The Good, Bad, and the Ugly. He directed that.

Speaker 2 Really good. Really good stuff.
Do you like, do you like Joe? Do you like, do you like, do you like, do you like?

Speaker 2 I gotta get in the mood, bud. It's not against you.
It's, it's, I gotta get the engine running. So it's like me attacking you.

Speaker 2 It's just, I'm just trying to get some vocal exercises done so that I can get into the mood to do it, right? Do you like, do you like, do you like?

Speaker 2 Hey, we don't need to rob the bank tomorrow, compadre.

Speaker 2 But, um, you know,

Speaker 2 I'll tell you something right now. I'm in a funk.
I'll tell you why. Because a couple of things.
Number one, something happened yesterday in the house I'd like to talk about.

Speaker 2 May I? Yeah, of course. May I

Speaker 2 have an interview?

Speaker 2 Do we like? Do we like

Speaker 2 ow?

Speaker 2 So, um,

Speaker 2 there's some sabotage going in my house. So

Speaker 2 the other day, I was writing something on a piece of paper with a felt pen, right? And I asked Jules, I go, hey, Jules, if I write on this paper, will the felt pen seep in and mark the table?

Speaker 2 Of course it will. Yeah, but she says, Uncle Tito, no.

Speaker 2 Uncle Tito, no, it's impossible. Why did you ask her? I thought she was in school.
Yeah, she's used writing implements before.

Speaker 2 Did you not take Felt Bleeding 101? You didn't take that class?

Speaker 2 So then

Speaker 2 yesterday I did it again. I had a piece of paper and I just put, I had to put some numbers down, a code.
It seeped in. It marked the table, right? Why don't you use your phone?

Speaker 2 Because I had to put in the code on the phone. You hit it on a speakerphone and go to your notes.
Oh, I didn't think of that. I always go to notes.

Speaker 2 What table did you ruin? The dining table? Yeah. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 So then

Speaker 2 I write. It seeps in.
I get yelled at by my girlfriend. Rightfully so.
Rightfully so. And then I go to

Speaker 2 my girlfriend, I go, but fucking, you know, she told me that it was okay. And she goes, no, I didn't.

Speaker 2 I never said that. What do you have to say for yourself? What do you have to say for yourself? Did you tell him it was okay?

Speaker 2 I never said that. Did you tell him it was okay, Rudy?

Speaker 2 No, no, no. Rudy, did you tell him it was okay?

Speaker 3 No, I said it might stay in the table. And then he said, no, it's fine.

Speaker 2 Who do you believe? Who do you believe? Let me close my eyes.

Speaker 2 Say the arguments one more time.

Speaker 2 So, Rudy, I'm going to ask you without looking at you because I don't want to influence you by looking at you. Okay.
Did you tell Tito Bobby that it was okay to draw on the table?

Speaker 4 No, I said the opposite. Timeout.

Speaker 2 You told him not to do it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Bobby, did Rudy tell you? Did you just tell me?

Speaker 2 And I want to know what position you have and what side you're on because it's going to really dictate the way our relationship is going. That's a side note.
Let's shoot it down to Fancy B.

Speaker 2 Fancy B, who's guilty?

Speaker 2 Bobby. Oh, boy.
Okay, well, you know, it's so funny, Fancy B, because yesterday... You mean Rudy? No, you mean Rudy.
No, no, it's so funny. No, no, no.
You just fucked yourself.

Speaker 2 Because it's so funny that you say that because yesterday, what, you're on a Zoom meeting with a bunch of guys that you want to write a movie with me in it and get me, get me involved. Now you're out.

Speaker 2 Uh-oh. Bye.
I can't fucking believe you, Fancy B.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute. What movie are you guys writing? We're writing a movie.
You're in it. Okay.
We're writing a movie together. You're in it.
All right. Can I...

Speaker 2 Do you have to understand where you are?

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 think about your fucking actions.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I meant Rudy. Sorry, buddy.
Thank you. That's exactly right.
We have him down near, but he's behind plexiglass. I apologize, by the way.
Fancy B, I apologize. I'll tell you why I apologize.

Speaker 2 Because he's viable to us. He's viable.
Not only that, is,

Speaker 2 you know, this morning I had a discussion with my girlfriend and,

Speaker 2 you know, David Spade was on my podcast. Saw it, loved it.
Great pod.

Speaker 2 I'm dead serious. Great pod.
All right. Great pod.
But he said something. He goes, nobody really, basically, just,

Speaker 2 nobody really knows who you are. You're hard to get to know.
To you? Yeah. That's normal.
And I'm like, and then I kind of been thinking about that and I realized, yeah, who am I?

Speaker 2 You have an existential crisis? I really am. I don't know who I am, why I do what I do, why I treat people the way I do.
Oh, this is great. Who did this? David Spade did this? Yeah, I.

Speaker 2 Thank you, David. And now, no, and now, no, I'm being real.
So am I. And so it's like, I'm not really in a funny mood.
I'm more in a crisis mode. No, call it introspective.

Speaker 2 I'm very introspective right now. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're thinking, okay, so let's say this. Yeah,

Speaker 2 look at her. Look at her.
Look at how fucking sour she is. Are you really pissed off? No.

Speaker 2 Are you thinking about the the fucking marker thing yeah she is yeah what did i tell you because here's the thing you're right i'm i fucking i'm the one that said it's impossible and she said tito don't do that don't do it or i did that right but when i got yelled at right i turned to fucking her and i said in front of my girlfriend i go didn't you tell me that i needed some backup well i needed her to lie on my behalf would you ever would you ever do that for him would you back him up yeah but why didn't you

Speaker 2 let me one time you backed me up one time you've been living in my fucking house for six months.

Speaker 2 When's the last time you backed me up? Every time you back her up.

Speaker 3 I always back you when Aunt Tikala said, yeah, is he gonna be safe? Is he gonna be responsible? I always say yeah.

Speaker 2 That's a vague, you know, that's a vague thing. I want specific things.

Speaker 2 Next time, next time I do something wrong, specifically, a certain act that I did that I got in trouble for, even if I'm in the wrong, I need you to back me up because that tells me that you're a part of the fucking group.

Speaker 2 yeah that tells me a part of the gang and also it gives it tells me a lot okay you gotta back him up you gotta back me up you promise yeah all right say say repeat after me say i i rudy jules rudy jules will always back up tito bobby will always back up tito bobby even if it's a lie if it's a lie even if it's a lie and i get deported because of the lie and i get deported because of the lie very good there we go that's great yeah and that you have that's a that's called, in America, baby, that's called a verbal contract.

Speaker 2 Okay. Hey, can I, uh, can I show you something I'm very excited about? This is for Rudy, baby.
Listen up. Okay.
Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Speaker 2 A boy wrote a song for Rudy. Wow.
Listen to this.

Speaker 2 Jimmy on the beat, boy. Rudy, Rudy.
You wanna be my girlfriend? Girlfriend, I'ma love you to the world end.

Speaker 2 You don't know what you're missing. I got the prescription I know what I'm giving Rudy

Speaker 2 You wanna be my girlfriend

Speaker 2 I'ma love you till the world end

Speaker 2 You don't know what you're missing I got the prescription I know what I'm giving

Speaker 2 No I ain't gonna change it up Swear I'm loyal, tell us done Tell us where I'm from before me, yeah, that's why I need your love God

Speaker 2 Know I'm cross the country, but I'll fly you here just like a dove I'm only 17, but I'll be 18 in a couple months Drunk off of your love, but it's a long time till I'm 21 My life gets where it should be.

Speaker 2 I'ma give you the world an insight. You don't know what I mean by you, designer, couple bins, trucks.
Hey, Julie. Juliana.
Juliana.

Speaker 2 What do you think of that?

Speaker 2 You know, she has 28,000 followers on Instagram now. What? Yeah.
That's more than most of our friends. I know, no.

Speaker 2 And she's like, I. She goes, I don't care.

Speaker 2 It don't mean much to me. Do you engage with anybody?

Speaker 3 Yeah, I talk to them and they talk about anime.

Speaker 2 I know. Yes.

Speaker 2 I talk to them, they talk to me about anime.

Speaker 2 First of all, how did you, did you like that song or no?

Speaker 2 It's nice.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 you have no interest in that boy?

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Okay, based on the song. She doesn't want to date a rapper.

Speaker 2 Based on the song, what ethnicity is the person singing? White.

Speaker 2 White? No. No.
No, he's not. He's a black dude.

Speaker 2 That's a black guy. That is.
It's a black guy. That's a black guy.
And you know what? What? Shame on you for not knowing. Yeah.
Rudy.

Speaker 2 Don't know what I mean by you. Designer, couple bench trucks.
Hey, Juliana, I need you. Make your world amazing.
Swear to God that I'm going to treat you.

Speaker 2 And I've never fell in love, but once we meet, I'm guaranteed to. Got a heart that's still ain't fixed.
I got some flaws that won't mislead you. Rudy.
Rudy, you wanna be my girlfriend?

Speaker 2 This is great.

Speaker 2 Rudy, do you wanna be my girlfriend?

Speaker 2 You don't wanna be that guy's girlfriend? No. He says so many.
You know what? First of all, he doesn't cuss. He says he wants to treat you better than you've ever been treated.

Speaker 2 He says he lives across the country, but he wants to get you a plane ticket to come meet him. Where does he live? I don't know.
He didn't say. He just said, I don't live.

Speaker 2 I live across the country, but I'll fly you out here like a dove. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I listened to that song like 19 times in the shower this morning. I listened to it.
That's weird.

Speaker 2 On loop. Oh, it's a little weird.
I was Rudy. Rudy.
Yeah, it's not that.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 But so Rudy,

Speaker 2 also, somebody on her direct message goes, I want her to be my girlfriend. So guys are hitting her up.
Are you engaging in any of these guys that are trying to be your boyfriend or no? No.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you don't need any of that shit. You don't need anything.
It's gross. You focus on school and life, right? Yeah.
Yeah. She really is a really good girl.

Speaker 2 I mean, how old are you now? 18. 18.
When I was 18, oh, my God. Piece of shit.
I was a piece of human garbage. Same.

Speaker 2 What a turd.

Speaker 2 I didn't know what was going on ever. Just was either partying.
I didn't pay attention to anything, yeah.

Speaker 2 I was just on drugs and drinking. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You probably, you, you, you have a good, keen mindset of what's going on. Who did Joe Biden pick as his running mate? Um,

Speaker 4 it's the black woman in the morning.

Speaker 2 No, no, no, fuck that, fuck that. Give me the name, or you're gonna make our households look like shit.

Speaker 2 I forgot

Speaker 2 you did, yeah, give her some hints. Okay, her first name starts with a K.

Speaker 2 Let's go.

Speaker 2 Last name, H.

Speaker 2 All right, I'll give you the first two initials of the first K-A.

Speaker 2 Last name, H-A.

Speaker 2 Kate.

Speaker 2 Yes, Kate. Kate, yes.

Speaker 2 He,

Speaker 2 he.

Speaker 2 Son? Yeah, that's Kate Hansen. Kate Hansen.
Kate Hansen. Very good.
Very good. Let's go.
Let's, let's, let's, this is very good. So let's, let's go with this.
Yeah, let's go with this, all right?

Speaker 2 So what is the

Speaker 2 the current vice president's name?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Okay, well we'll play start the game with the first initial, right? And M, right?

Speaker 2 Last, right?

Speaker 2 Last initial P. So go ahead.

Speaker 2 M-I is the first. Last P-E.

Speaker 2 Ma.

Speaker 2 Mark.

Speaker 2 Mark. Mark.
Mark. Go ahead.
This is good, Mark.

Speaker 2 What's his last name? P. P.
P. P.

Speaker 2 Pay.

Speaker 2 Pay.

Speaker 2 This is just it.

Speaker 2 You're doing it yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mike. Penn.

Speaker 2 Pen.

Speaker 2 Mark. Mark Pay.

Speaker 2 Payness.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Mark Penish. Mark Painish.
It's Mark Pinish is our fucking vice president. Isn't this fucking fun? That's really good.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So the vice president that's running right now is what? Kate. Kate.
Kate.

Speaker 2 Hanson. You forgot.
You fucking forgot already.

Speaker 2 Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ.
And Mark. Mark.
And Mark. Painish.
Yeah, Mark Paynish. Yeah.
Mark Paynish and Kate Hanson.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's who they are. You should know our history.
You should know the current history. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's go back in the time. Let's go back in time then.
Let's go.

Speaker 2 Who was the

Speaker 2 our very first president? The first president of the United States. You know who that was?

Speaker 4 George Washington.

Speaker 2 Very good. Oh, you know that just comes out like fucking

Speaker 2 forefathers. Yeah.
Do you know who's on Mount Rushmore? No. Do you know who's on Mount Rushmore? Oh, shit.
This is fun. No, it's not.
He's going to make me look like a fool. I don't know either.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you do. I'm pretty sure you do.
No. Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln.

Speaker 2 FDR?

Speaker 2 Theodore Roosevelt? Yeah, that's FDR. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Wait, what? No.

Speaker 2 No. John Adams? I think John Adams is on it.

Speaker 2 I think John Adams is on it. Wait, wait, wait.
John Adams has to be on it. Who's on Mount Rushmore? I'm dead serious.
I don't know. You know why? Lincoln's on it.
I said Lincoln. I said.
John Adams.

Speaker 2 I said Washington. I said Washington.
I said Lincoln.

Speaker 2 Who did I say? Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 Did I say him all right? There's Wash. Johnson, I said that.
Teddy Roosevelt and Lincoln. Oh, fuck.
I didn't get it. I said FDR.
I meant Teddy Roosevelt. Teddy.
No, you didn't mean that.

Speaker 2 No, no, I did. I did.
All right, all right. FDR was frankly.
I look like a fucking idiot. No, you don't.
Give me another history question without even googling it. I want to see if I can get it.

Speaker 2 Declaration of Independence. When did we sign it? Oh, fuck you.
1718? 17.

Speaker 2 Nope. What is it?

Speaker 2 1776.

Speaker 2 1776? Deck of Independence was

Speaker 2 1776, the 4th of July. Okay, well, I know questions like this.
I'll ask you a question now. All right, fine.
Who produced the first four Talking Heads albums?

Speaker 2 Mark Painish. Yes! Mark Paynish did!

Speaker 2 And yeah, and the engineer was.

Speaker 2 I think it was Katie Hansen. Katie Hansen, yeah, yeah.
She was good. She was so good.
Yeah, but you know, I don't know. Brian Eno.
I'm not. Oh, Ryan Eno.
Brian Eno. Brian Eno.

Speaker 2 What band was Brian Eno in?

Speaker 2 In the late 60s and early 70s. Baskinos.
No. Boschinos.
Roxy music. So I know information like that.
I don't know that kind of stuff. Yeah, I don't know historical.

Speaker 2 Because I was doing meth and falling asleep

Speaker 2 in class when I was her age. That's really funny.
I didn't do meth and I still didn't pay attention. I was really

Speaker 2 so bad in school.

Speaker 2 That's not my fault, is it? Yeah, it's funny. It's like I have interests.
I have certain interests, and I'll learn. about those interests.

Speaker 2 But if I'm not interested or it doesn't pertain to my life, I don't feel like I need to absorb that information. It's just too hard for me to retain it if I don't care.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's like it's just bullshit. They got to change just the high school curriculum.
Well, look, it's important to probably know some history, but I also think I don't know if I. But why?

Speaker 2 Because it's nice to know where things, what the past is, right? But if you have no interest in it,

Speaker 2 how does that pertain to your life, though? I think it's probably good to have like a general knowledge. Yeah, I know generally what's going on.
Okay, so that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 I think what we do is fine. We don't have a good, I don't have a good, I couldn't tell you,

Speaker 2 okay, when was the Civil War? What year?

Speaker 2 I don't want to play this. No, but that's that's my point.
I don't know it either. Yeah.
I don't know. I know it was back then.
That's what I say. Back then.
Yeah, it's back then.

Speaker 2 Back then. Different clothes, racist guys.

Speaker 2 I got that down. Yeah.
Did you see the black? Did you see the real-life Clayton Bigsby on the news? The black white supremacist? No. For the grandsons of the KKK? Or, I mean, of the whatever?

Speaker 2 Well, before we do that,

Speaker 2 tell me, but I want to show you. Go ahead.
You haven't mentioned anything about my shirt. I know.
I saw it. You know what it is?

Speaker 2 No. These are the first African-American astronauts.
No shit? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Can you name any of them? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right here. Frederick D.
Gregory. Frederick Gregory.
And the Gregory Institute of Harmonics. Whoa.
Yeah. Who else? We got.

Speaker 2 Is that Tony Rock? No.

Speaker 2 And we got

Speaker 2 John Waynes, Frank Waynes. Oh, the Wayne's brothers?

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's the Waynes you don't know.
Oh, those are the other Waynes. Yeah, yeah.
Ricardo Waynes. Are these really the first black astronauts? That's what it says, yeah.

Speaker 2 The first black astronauts in space. Well, it's funny because I saw this.
It says African-American astronauts.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 when I saw this at a thrift store, I had to get it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because I wanted to learn. But you haven't learned any of them.
I know, but I know that they exist. It's like saying, you know,

Speaker 2 there are dwarfs. It's like,

Speaker 2 oh, I can't say it. Say it.
I'll get canceled. No, no, no, no, no.
Come on, come on. Say it.

Speaker 2 It's like saying, you know, there's a dwarf running back for the

Speaker 2 Minneapolis Vikings. What do you mean?

Speaker 2 No, no, there's not. I'm just saying that's how I didn't know that there were African-American astronauts.

Speaker 2 That's how shocking it was to me. Right.
Not that I believe that everyone has a skill level. I just had never heard of one.
Because NASA is 10 old, old, nerdy white guys. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You watch all the movies, yeah. But look at this.
This is Geon Stewart Blueford Jr. Yeah.
That's one of the men on your shirt, I imagine, correct? Well, maybe. That's him at the top, isn't

Speaker 2 Look at the very top by you. Look at the top by your chin.

Speaker 2 By your chin, by your chin. Dr.
Geon S. Booth Bluford.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Keon Stewart Bluford. Yeah, he's here.
He's at the top by your chin. He's at the top, yeah, yeah.
Top guy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you know about him? I knew a lot about him. Well, can you just

Speaker 2 close the window before? Okay, I knew he was born in Philly.

Speaker 2 Fuck you.

Speaker 2 I don't know. What were we going to show me? What were you going to show me? No, I wanted to show you the first, but I wanted to show you the

Speaker 2 black white supremacist. You know remember that Dave Chappelle sketch?

Speaker 2 Do you remember what I'm talking about?

Speaker 2 Do you know what I'm talking about?

Speaker 2 The black white supremacist? He was blind. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 5 Let's say their names, Alabama, has some opposition from about two dozen members and supporters of the Sons of Confederate veterans.

Speaker 6 Regardless of how the next person feel,

Speaker 6 I'm not going to take my flag down. If I got anything to do with it, ain't no monument going to come down.

Speaker 5 Daniel Sims says he was adopted as a child.

Speaker 6 My whole family is white. Went to all-white school, grew up in an all-white neighborhood.
My grandfather was white, and he was the main one that fought in this war here.

Speaker 6 And he's taught me everything I know.

Speaker 5 He explains how he'd feel if the statues and flag were relocated.

Speaker 6 It may make my blood boil if they just come up here and feel like they could just tear it down. I don't see me still living if they do that right there.
That monument ain't hurting nobody.

Speaker 6 That monument ain't killing a soul. It ain't talking bad to nobody.
It ain't, it ain't even racist.

Speaker 5 But Dunstan says she's confident her group will be successful in getting getting the flag and mon

Speaker 2 I mean

Speaker 2 you can't blame the guy though because he was growing up in a

Speaker 2 if he grew up in like an all-black home in like in you know

Speaker 2 then you would think what happened in his life was he watching too many like

Speaker 2 you know movies this guy not watch any movies right or maybe no movies yeah but because

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Speaker 2 nah that's what like like what would they say that would blow your mind

Speaker 2 oh all Vietnamese they deserve to die what's wrong I know but I'm just saying he would say crazy shit like that

Speaker 2 at the dinner table and you're like six and you're like I don't think you pay

Speaker 2 that's right or like you know me if you gay

Speaker 2 everybody gonna die right yeah I don't think that's that's deserving of death you know what I mean and you're a kid and you would lay in bed and just think of all the things that you and your brother talk about it it?

Speaker 2 Would you guys sit up and yeah, I'd be like, Steve, Steve,

Speaker 2 I don't know how you feel about being gay or whatever. I'm not gay, but I just don't think that that dates deserve to be dead.
Do you? Right. And my brother be like, No, Bob, I don't,

Speaker 2 Bob, I don't think they should be died because they're human beings and they have a heart and they have a family. Exactly.
Yeah, yeah. But we would have our own little, you know,

Speaker 2 powwow. Did your mom feel that way? Was she racist? I mean, she would say, it's like, if you don't, you know, marry Corean, I never meet your wife.
Does your, does your mom feel like?

Speaker 2 So it's like, that was as a kid. Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 But then what I did was I went, all right, I'll show you. And I just did a bunch of drugs and stuff like that.

Speaker 2 And so it got to the point where they were more concerned if I was going to be alive or dead.

Speaker 2 So they stopped,

Speaker 2 you know, trying to skew my mind or, you know, or mold me. They were just like,

Speaker 2 if he meets anybody,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? That's a miracle. Yeah.
Right? Yeah. If he is just walking around,

Speaker 2 if if you put one foot in front of him, right?

Speaker 2 I'm happy with that. Right.
Yeah. So then it got to the point where they were like, you know, and then later in life, before my dad died, I made them vote for Obama.
I know, that's wild to me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so they waited in the line. They changed their mind.
Yeah. But see, but that he was.
Do you think, I'm going to ask you a real question.

Speaker 2 Do you think if you never got through drugs and you never had a tumultuous up like childhood, do you think you would have been able to get through to them?

Speaker 2 If you did exactly what they wanted, do you think you could have changed their opinions on things like that? Or do you think because of such chaos, it like re-centered their viewpoints on you?

Speaker 2 I don't understand what you're saying. Because

Speaker 2 you were a drug addict. It's because I'm a drug addict.
Because they had such a hard time raising you. Yeah.
Do you think that's why they were more open to be... Yes.
That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 So if you had done by the book, they probably would have never been influenced by you. Yeah, if I was done by the books, then I think they would be like

Speaker 2 still trying to throw their ideas. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But I have to say... Drugs saved your life.
I think it did. Drugs saved your life in a weird way.
I think in many ways, because I can't imagine,

Speaker 2 because the way I think it fucked my brain up where I behave in the way I behaved. You behaved like this before that, didn't you? No.
You just think this was all post-I don't know.

Speaker 2 I just think that when I was a kid, I don't think that this was the final product that it was intended.

Speaker 2 What was it going to be? I think it was more like,

Speaker 2 So I'm here to talk about your insurance, and this policy here is, you know, not really great for your... I mean, that's the kind of person I think I would have been maybe.
An insurance salesman?

Speaker 2 Or, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Just a regular job. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey, boy, you know, clear up table number seven. We got a party coming.
Okay. I could be that guy, too, just putting in dishes and a bus boy.
A bus boy, yeah. Okay, okay.

Speaker 2 By the way, you as a bus boy at your age would be fucking hysterical. A bus boy at 48.
48 years old? Not at 48. I know.
I wasn't one when I was 20. It was so hard.

Speaker 2 I was a bus boy when I was 20 as well. It was hard.
Where'd you bus? Brockton Villa. That's the only restaurant I've ever worked in.
Because they promoted me as

Speaker 2 a waiter. Yeah, but that's a nice restaurant.
Dude, in the mornings, though, it's like the busiest restaurant in the United States. No, but you make good money, I mean, right?

Speaker 2 Not as a buster, maybe 40, 50 bucks a shift. I bust at Outback Steakhouse, okay?

Speaker 2 Why? Do you have to do an accent?

Speaker 2 I had to go, I'll claim your titles, Mike. Yeah, they go, I go, would you like another shrimp from the Babby? I had to bust at Outback Steakhouse because they wouldn't give me a serving job.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I swear to God, they were like, no,

Speaker 2 we don't have any positions available. You can be a bus boy.
So I bust and wash dishes. I also remember, I don't know how I got there.

Speaker 2 I don't know how I got the job, but I remember I was at like a Congress

Speaker 2 person. I don't know what Congresswoman it was.
What do you mean? Someone who was in Congress, you worked for them? No, I was, there was a banquet.

Speaker 2 I don't, I don't, because I just vividly remember. Yeah.
And I remember this guy going, I was wearing like some weird like valet kind of a costume. Were you a valet?

Speaker 2 No, I was like, I was supposed to pour water. Oh, you're you're a uh uh like a um

Speaker 2 but I remember just being yelled at like hey man

Speaker 2 you know the congresswoman

Speaker 2 right

Speaker 2 and just shaking putting but I don't recall how I got the job it had to be just like through a friend was like hey they need somebody to do it's like catering or whatever when I tell you all the bullshit jobs about and then when I came to LA I had a job um licking envelopes

Speaker 2 shut up I'm not kidding you 12 hours a day licking envelopes. Like the whole.
I was in the bottom of

Speaker 2 Beverly Boulevard, right? In some office.

Speaker 2 And there were just piles of envelopes. And I was licking, licking all day.
And after two days. Did you have water to dip your envelopes? No, no, no.
They never gave me any water.

Speaker 2 And I remember my mouth would get all dry. And I'd have like

Speaker 2 scabs. Cuts on my tongue.
And I would still do it. You know what I mean? And I did like fucking 3,000 a day.
How much did they pay you? Oh, it was like under the table.

Speaker 2 There was another Mexican guy there, too. He's like, hey, bro, go faster.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And I was like, I'm going as fast as I can, man. I'm a comic.
I don't give a fuck, bro. That's the bad of a gig.
Yeah. And then they would give us like 20 bucks under the table.

Speaker 2 I don't know what it was. 20 bucks.
Whatever. But I remember like afterwards, I was like,

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm done. And then I showed another, I'll do another one.
I had another shitty job I've had. There was this guy named F.
Scott Collins. He used to be an actor.
Wait, I know who that is.

Speaker 2 No, you don't. Yes, I do.
Oh.

Speaker 2 He's been in stuff. A couple things.
But F. Scott Collins goes,

Speaker 2 hey, man, you need a job? And I go, yeah, I have no money. He's like, I'll get pay you $100,

Speaker 2 right, just to clean my garage. Holy shit.
And I'm thinking, fuck. Cha-Ching.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Literally, it's not a garage. It was a warehouse.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Like an airplane hangar? It was like an airplane hangar. It wasn't like a garage.

Speaker 2 garage It was like this separate building right yeah that was probably formerly a house Yeah, and they gutted it and now it's a fucking garage What the fuck was in there?

Speaker 2 Oh my you know you know what it looked like do you remember in silence of the lambs

Speaker 2 when she has to break into that storage house? That's what it looked like. There was a car You know what I mean with a head headless, you know, a head in it.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Like just a bunch of mannequins. Shit everywhere.
And it was just cobwebs and spiders. And I remember like, and I had a fucking paper towel and Windex walking in,

Speaker 2 going,

Speaker 2 this is a $3,000 job. Yeah, and it was $100.
$100,000. It took me probably four days.
Did you do it? You finished it. I needed the money.
$100 for four days of work? It was terrible, man. Holy shit.

Speaker 2 By myself.

Speaker 2 I've had so many shit. I've had so many shitty jobs.
I was a stock.

Speaker 2 When I first moved out here, I was a PA and I was doing stocking stuff, like just stocking in their bullshit room of like organizing DVDs and just hours and hours and hours and hours of nothing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I had been getting super depressed and I was drinking a lot because I was just sad.

Speaker 2 So I would just go get like a 12-pack of beer every night, the cheapest shit I could buy, and just drink it till I woke up the next day.

Speaker 2 And we were cutting boxes. I'll never forget.
This is my...

Speaker 2 We're cutting boxes and I was just like, just terribly hungover. And the kid that I was working with was brand new.

Speaker 2 And I cut open a box. And as I open it, I crack it open, right? And stuff falls out everywhere.
The DVDs fall everywhere. And I was like, fuck.
And he goes, whoa,

Speaker 2 that box smells like shit.

Speaker 2 I had just farted, but I didn't say anything. You know, I just, I, I just did one of those like little pinch and pulls, you know, where it's like, let it, a ghost, you know, like a balloon.

Speaker 2 You're like,

Speaker 2 but he goes, whoa, that box smells like shit. And I pretended I go, oh no, yeah, that's gross.

Speaker 2 The box smells. Yeah.
I'm blaming it on the box. Why'd you own up to it? It's a guy.
And then he goes, and then he goes, oh, it's so gross. I go, I know.
He goes, it smells like a rotten pumpkin.

Speaker 2 And I was like, does it? And he goes, yeah, it smells like a fucking, like a a rat died inside of a rotten pumpkin. And it had like, it had a disease.

Speaker 2 And I kept thinking, that's what my fucking belly smells like right now.

Speaker 2 So then I had to fart again, had to go open another fucking box. I just kept opening it, be like, dude, these boxes were all poop boxes.
Where are these from?

Speaker 2 I was embarrassed because he said it smells so fucking bad.

Speaker 2 I just own it. I'll do it in front of you.
I didn't really know him. It was weird.
We were in the stock room and I didn't know the kid that well. I was embarrassed.
I was embarrassed.

Speaker 2 I'll fart in front of my friends. I didn't know that guy.
guy, and I didn't want to get fired. I didn't want him to be like, this guy's ripping shit in the fucking storage room.

Speaker 2 It was my first, it was like my first job in LA, and I was so nervous to lose it.

Speaker 2 I don't know why, but that brought up a story I've never told before

Speaker 2 where

Speaker 2 I was like,

Speaker 2 I met a girl.

Speaker 2 I saw Nirvana play.

Speaker 2 Where?

Speaker 2 It was in Orange County, and it was like three weeks later. He died.
He died. Wow.
But I remember

Speaker 2 I asked this girl from work who I had a big crush on to go. I spent money, all the money I had.
And she goes, I'll go watch Nirvana.

Speaker 2 And we were in the parking lot. And she's like, do you mosh pit?

Speaker 2 Like, are you a mosh pitter? And I'm a little guy, right? It's like, yeah, fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.
Fuck yeah, mosh pit.

Speaker 2 You know, like, I fucking, I'm small, but man, I'm like fucking like...

Speaker 2 piece of iron. She's like, what? Yeah, I go, yeah, you want to see?

Speaker 2 I start mosh pitting around, right? I don't know why I did this. In a parking lot? Yeah, in a parking lot.
I was just showing her. Trying to be funny, too.
And I started swinging my head like that.

Speaker 2 And I hit her fucking mouth. And her tooth broke.
Shut up. I swear to God.
It cracked. And she goes, ah!

Speaker 2 Like, like that. And I'm so sorry.
And I remember

Speaker 2 her mom picked her up or something. She didn't forget to go see her.
I went.

Speaker 2 I was by myself. And I remember like being sober.
I was sober too.

Speaker 2 And I remember being at the concert, being by myself. And I remember they were smoking pot in back of me.

Speaker 2 And I was like,

Speaker 2 and I was sober for like a couple of years. And I remember turning going, can I take a hit of that? They're like, fuck you.

Speaker 2 And so I was just, okay. As if they knew about what happened in the parking lot? No, but it was almost as if they saved me from relapsing.
That's nice, though. Yeah.
Thank God.

Speaker 2 Whoever those non-shared poop box story. I don't know what got there, though.
It got there in my mind. Was that your first, was it like a first date for you with that girl? I never saw her again.

Speaker 2 No, but oh, that was the first and last date. That's it.
First and last I ever saw her again. The first date I ever went on in Los Angeles.
I took a bus to a gay bar in West Hollywood, met a girl.

Speaker 2 Didn't know it was what I didn't know it was a gay bar. Just took a bus to meet her somewhere.
I met her at this bar right on Santa Monica. Naked dudes, I mean, just everywhere.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, oh, is this a spot? She's like, yeah, it's really cool. Like, there's like a hip area.
I was like, oh, okay. And then the dude serving us was like, body shots.

Speaker 2 So I took a body shot off of this guy. Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, wait, wait, wait.
A guy goes.

Speaker 2 Wait. A guy goes.
A guy that works. Body shot.
Yep. Body shots.
And you took a body shot.

Speaker 2 So what does that entail? He poured it on his chest and I drank it off the chest. He drank off a man's chest.
Big black man. Yeah.
A big black man. I wanted to impress this chick.

Speaker 2 I thought it was fun. And then

Speaker 2 wait. She's watching you do a body shop off of a black man.
Yeah. And then what did she do? She didn't do one.
I did one. That's it.
I know, but afterwards, was she weird? I never saw her again.

Speaker 2 I didn't know. What was I supposed to do? You know, we make mistakes.
Because you think I want her to like me. No, we make mistakes.
And so this gay guy comes over.

Speaker 2 I want to show her that I'm okay with my sexuality.

Speaker 2 So the big black guy gets on the table.

Speaker 2 Oh, I wish. You know what? I wish I was there.
Body shot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he lays down on the table. I would have been like, no, I would have grabbed her arm.
No, dude.

Speaker 2 Dude, you're reading it wrong. I was 22.

Speaker 2 I would have grabbed her wrist. I thought, no, no, no.
Samantha's here. No, no, no.
I would have done that. There's no way.
By the way, though, she was planning on leaving me at the bar.

Speaker 2 I'll never forget. She was like, I think I'm going to go home.
I was like, I'll get out here, too. She's like, no, you can stay.
I was like, oh, she, does she think I'm okay?

Speaker 2 Ah.

Speaker 2 And I'm not.

Speaker 2 That was the first time you had sex. I did have a good time.
15. Marco Island, Florida.

Speaker 2 On

Speaker 2 hotel room. Why are you smiling? I'm licking your lips.
It's weird.

Speaker 2 It's really weird. Mary.
Let me get in the corner. Well, what happened?

Speaker 2 I traded a bottle of Captain Morgan's for a hotel room key. You did? Yeah.
And you were with the do you remember the girl's name? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 She was my girlfriend. It was my high school girlfriend.
Oh, my God. Yep.
Condom, no condom. Condom broke.
That's right, dad. Condom broke.
I'm dead serious. Condom broke.
On purpose.

Speaker 2 Hey, clip.

Speaker 2 Poke a little hole. Poke a little hole.
Yeah. Oh, no.

Speaker 2 This one ripped. No, the condom broke in the middle of us having sex.
It's the only condom I had. Well, first of all,

Speaker 2 you're acting as if your dick was so powerful. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 It was probably sheepskin. No, it was a nice Trojan.
It was just pointy. My penis is pointy.
You circumcise, right? Yeah, but no, I mean, I have a tip. I have like a sharp tip.
It's like a pencil.

Speaker 2 But seriously, it broke. You know how it broke? I know.
Oh, how? It was in my pocket at the beach all day. Ah.
It was in the ocean with me. But then

Speaker 2 did you tell her, oh, it broke. I went like this.
I'm like, oh, no. And she goes, what? And I go, nothing.

Speaker 2 No. No, I told her immediately.
I was like, oh my God, the condom broke.

Speaker 2 And she was like, what the fuck? What the fuck did you do? And I was like, I didn't do anything.

Speaker 2 I had to, like, dude, I had to maneuver a condom from a friend. I was so scared to go buy one.
Why? Can you buy condoms at 15?

Speaker 2 I think you can. You should, right? You should be able to, yeah.
But I was so scared to go get them. I had to get one from a guy who got one from a guy.
Yeah, it's weird.

Speaker 2 There was probably like a 30-year-old on the 1990s.

Speaker 2 This was in the year

Speaker 2 1998 or something like that? 1998. Eight or nine? Yeah.
Wow. That's when I moved to LA.
Really? Yeah. I lost my Virginia when you moved to Los Angeles.
Wow.

Speaker 2 Wow. I mean, that's the difference.
The age difference between you and I? Yeah, look at what we caught up. Isn't that weird?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Bob! Because it's funny how you call me and

Speaker 2 you start crying. I do.

Speaker 2 I want to work. And you said I'm an A.
Can't get involved? I can't get any work. I really can't get any work.
Everyone's in a pandemic. What do you need to be? You are working.
All right, stop. Bobby?

Speaker 2 No. Bobby? Stop.
First of all, I've had a conversation with somebody that we both know that told me that you just got another job or another offer for a job. Cool.
None of your fucking business.

Speaker 2 It's somebody I know that we know that just said you got another offer for a job. It's fine.

Speaker 2 Don't play dumb with me, pal.

Speaker 2 Bro, you act like I don't fucking know for you. We're in a pandemic.
I don't care. Why do you keep getting stuff?

Speaker 2 Are you more talented than me? No, you're way more talented than me. No, we're the

Speaker 2 same. You can do accents.
I'm gonna do accents.

Speaker 2 No, no, but my point is.

Speaker 2 You're just prettier than I am right now. You're prettier than I am in Hollywood right now.
When you got, all right, I auditioned. They don't like me.
Stop. When I auditioned for Mixology, right?

Speaker 2 I didn't even get past the casting director.

Speaker 2 Right? Mm-hmm. You got that specific job.
That

Speaker 2 specific role. I remember in my head, laying in bed, right, going, I couldn't even get to producers on that.
And then when I found out that you got it, right, I went, Yeah, it's over for me.

Speaker 2 This is the new, the new age. That's and it's so not true.
It is. That's so natural.
This is the new group. This is the young, hot people, right?

Speaker 2 And it's the same thing happened. You weren't in this, but undatable when undatable happened.
Yeah. Same thing.

Speaker 2 I didn't even.

Speaker 2 Who were you going to be? I couldn't even get an audition. Funches? I couldn't even get an audition.
Yeah. And then when

Speaker 2 all my friends, everyone got on it. You did love it.
And then people started guest starring on it. I was never asked.
Whitney,

Speaker 2 I want to say this. Do it.
And, you know, I love Whitney. We're like this.

Speaker 2 But. Like an A-frame house?

Speaker 2 This is

Speaker 2 the truth, but I just feel like this is going to be one of those regrettable.

Speaker 2 All right, so,

Speaker 2 you know, I know Whitney. True.
And I love her. I've always loved her.

Speaker 2 So when Whitney was casting, they were casting, casting, everyone went in. Did you read Frick Whitney? Nope.
Oh, shit, that makes me feel better.

Speaker 2 But everyone that I knew, aside from you, went in.

Speaker 2 Everyone, except for you. Everyone.
Not you. Not you.

Speaker 2 But everyone went in. And

Speaker 2 I just started. And I call my agent.
I go, Can I get in? Like, there's nothing in it. Or I don't know.
We don't get, we're not getting an appointment. Or there was a weird vibe, right?

Speaker 2 So I just started like outwardly complaining.

Speaker 2 Fucking Whitney

Speaker 2 brought it on the road. You know what I mean? Can't even get an audition.
Who were you saying that to a Jesus? Everyone. Delia, everybody.
Yeah. Everyone.
Outwardly.

Speaker 2 So then one day I found out that the thing is pretty much cast or done casting.

Speaker 2 Then I get a call. Yeah, they want to see you.

Speaker 2 So I memorize it, right? I go, I'm going into producers. I'm going to nail this fucking thing.

Speaker 2 I walk there. I go there.
No producers. There's a girl with braces.

Speaker 2 Are you ready for your audition?

Speaker 2 And I go, What?

Speaker 2 And they pu put me in a storage room

Speaker 2 and they just kind of filmed me on a little chunk of

Speaker 2 handy handy handy can. Yeah.
Right? And she goes, Okay, thank you. No notes.

Speaker 2 No notes. You didn't agree.

Speaker 2 In my he back in my head, I'm thinking,

Speaker 2 did they just do that so I would stop complaining? Or they just said, all right, you went in, but I didn't have a shot. They did that so you would shut up.

Speaker 2 That's genuinely someone being like, just let him fucking read for something then.

Speaker 1 I am so excited for this spa day.

Speaker 2 Candles lit.

Speaker 1 Music on.

Speaker 2 Hot tub warm and ready.

Speaker 7 And then my chronic hives come back.

Speaker 1 Again, in the middle of my spa day.

Speaker 2 What a wet blanket.

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Speaker 2 with all the stories i just told you right there was a big time period in my career where i couldn't even get into rooms so yes

Speaker 2 i might be doing something with mark and jave dupless

Speaker 2 okay

Speaker 2 i pitched you know i mean andres if i hear you laugh again i'm gonna break your throat

Speaker 2 I pitched

Speaker 2 to ABC. They bought my show.
Right. Okay.

Speaker 2 You know, I might have a campaign here, a commercial campaign. Right?

Speaker 2 I've got a couple of other things. Two other shows up here next week.
But

Speaker 2 so five things.

Speaker 2 We're in a pandemic, buddy.

Speaker 2 Obviously, we're not. We're in a pandemic.
Obviously, you're not. Your business is not in a pandemic.
So, you know, hey, hey, kiddo. Hey, kiddo.
You'll get back on the horse.

Speaker 2 You know what they say? You know what they say? You know what they say?

Speaker 2 Always stay out in the rain. Always stay out in the rain? Yeah, when it's raining.
Who says that? I'm going inside. It's wet.

Speaker 2 No, no, you you don't because, um, if you don't stay out in the rain, you might not get struck by lightning. Why would I want to get wet and then struck by lightning? Oh, it's an

Speaker 2 analogy. That's a terrible analogy.
How about this one? When I've been told, how about this one? I've been told, right?

Speaker 2 Don't you hate it when things aren't going well in your career? People give you analogies, yeah. They give me something that they think makes sense and makes no man.

Speaker 2 I heard someone once told me, Amen. It's just like, it's like surfing.

Speaker 2 And I go, Okay, how?

Speaker 2 It's like sometimes you know, you'll ride a big wave, meaning you know I mean like you'll get on a show yeah and you'll you mean it's a long ride right but then sometimes right there are no waves at all and you're just sitting out there right but the most important thing buddy is just have fun with this being out there you know what I've been doing what I've been boogie boarding for the past

Speaker 2 I know I hate I don't like that kind of stuff when someone tries to tell you that there's like a light at the tunnel for a thing it's like yeah but it's my these are our jobs yeah I hate you know what I hate the most Stay out in the footprints in the sand.

Speaker 2 Oh, god, the Jesus thing carried him in the sand. It's like, yeah,

Speaker 2 I don't know. I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't have a memorizing. Wait, is am I saying the same one as you are? The footprint that Jesus carried me or whatever?

Speaker 2 Yeah, so you know, in my life, right, I saw footprint friends prints with me and Jesus back, but in my hardest times, there's only

Speaker 2 one set of footprints, and then it's basically God going, yeah, that's when I was carrying you,

Speaker 2 right? Footprints in the sand. So basically, it's this.

Speaker 2 If I went to, let's say I died of cancer. What kind?

Speaker 2 Pancreatis. Do you think you'll get pancreatis? No, I'm just giving you a fucking

Speaker 2 analogy. Let's say I died from pancreatis cancer, right? Got it.
And I go to heaven and I'm like bombed, right? And God's like, what's the matter, buddy?

Speaker 2 I just, you know, all my life, man, we had... footprints side by side, bro, you know, and then when I had the fucking cancer, right, there was only one foot set of footprints.

Speaker 2 And God going, that's because I was carrying you. Oh, cool.

Speaker 2 How about the second option? Now, don't give me cancer.

Speaker 2 By the way. Thanks for the ride.
Can I see the cancer? Thanks for the ride, God, but how about no cancer?

Speaker 2 I want to see the footprints of the sand of him trying to pick you up and then stumbling if you don't

Speaker 2 side sideways.

Speaker 2 It's like a drunkard on the beach. He drops you once.
He picks you back up.

Speaker 2 What was this big lump in the ground? Do you think Tito Bobby is going to go to heaven when he passes away, Rude?

Speaker 2 paws wow big paws now fuck you big paws you really

Speaker 2 know i was thinking then what were you thinking about yo what did you have to analyze are you thinking about yesterday when i walked into your room and i go what's up jules and she looks at me she has tears what happened running down her face and i'm like oh fuck someone died What happened, Jules?

Speaker 4 Um, I finished an anime.

Speaker 2 What the fuck is that? What world are we living in?

Speaker 2 You finished an anime and it made you cry? What was the end of it?

Speaker 2 Did everybody die?

Speaker 4 No, the best friends were parting ways.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 What, did they go off to school or something? No,

Speaker 4 the other one is going to his father and the other one is going back home.

Speaker 2 But none of them are dying. They could see each other again.
Right. No one's going to pick them up in the sand, right? They still have to keep walking in the sand?

Speaker 2 Wow. And that made you cry?

Speaker 3 Yeah, because it's the end

Speaker 3 of what of their friendship no of the anime of the show

Speaker 2 i mean by the way you die that's what i'm dealing with i know you wouldn't even die you wouldn't cry at a funeral would you has people have you ever been to a funeral yeah do you cry or no i cry you did okay every funeral you've cried i've only went to like two and did you cry on both

Speaker 2 dude i went to my grandmother's funeral and i didn't cry i didn't know how yeah i i didn't know how dude i I got to the casket. I got up to the casket right up next to it.
What was this, by the way?

Speaker 2 I was, I was a kid. I was young.
10, 11, something like that. Oh, I thought recently.
No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.
This is my dad's mom. And I get up to the casket and someone next to me is like,

Speaker 2 it's

Speaker 2 so sad.

Speaker 2 And I'm not kidding. I'm like this.
Yeah, it's sad. I didn't know.
I didn't.

Speaker 2 It's sad. I tried to pretend to cry.
Yeah. Nothing came out.
Nothing. I know.
And then I walked away going,

Speaker 2 trying to cry. I couldn't do it.
I don't know why. It was so surreal for me.
When my dad died in the, he took his last breath. You took his last breath.

Speaker 2 You told me you sucked it right out of his mouth.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And as soon as he goes,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 You heard it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And that's it.

Speaker 2 My mom and my brother acted as if it was the worst,

Speaker 2 it was pretty bad, very bad. Yeah.
When the worst things happened yeah right but they were like doing rolls on the ground

Speaker 2 just losing it you know what i mean flips and just yeah you know what i mean running through the wall coming back in yeah yeah yeah you know what i mean and just bonkers and i'm i'm standing there i'm just looking at my dad

Speaker 2 and just nothing no tears no and i walk up to him I kiss his forehead. I say, I love you.
And I just walked out of the room. Yeah.

Speaker 2 We handle it differently, huh? We all handle it differently. I told you what.
Have I told you what my uncle did? No, I don't think so. Maybe.

Speaker 2 Okay, so my dad's best friend is my uncle. All right.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 we call him Jaganapa. Jaganapa.
Small dad.

Speaker 2 I mean, that's a translation. Yeah.
Jaganapa.

Speaker 2 So we call him and go, he's going to die soon.

Speaker 2 And he drives from San Diego to Phoenix.

Speaker 2 He walks in the hospital, in the hospice. My dad had died maybe 20 minutes, you know, before he got there.
I just missed it. He missed it.
He walks in. He looks at the body like this.

Speaker 2 And he goes, bye.

Speaker 2 And he got in his car and drove.

Speaker 2 No way. I swear to God.
He just said bye. He goes, to us.
He didn't say bye to him.

Speaker 2 He didn't look at my dad, go, bye. That would have been so fucking funny.

Speaker 2 No, he just kind of looked and then looked at us and he goes, bye-bye. And he just left.
Have you talked to him since? No. No.
Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 2 Like, I had an uncle growing up that wasn't my real uncle. But this is funny.
I didn't know until I was a little bit older.

Speaker 2 When I say a little bit older, by the time I got cognitively aware that, like, oh, clearly it's not my uncle,

Speaker 2 his name was Ira.

Speaker 2 And he was a really, really in-shape, good-looking gay guy. Jewish, gay guy.
Wait, wait, you had a real uncle that was good. He's not Not my real uncle.
I didn't know until later.

Speaker 2 I thought he was my, I called him Uncle Ira. Okay.
He was my dad's good friend.

Speaker 2 Gay Jewish guy. I'm thinking, this is my uncle.

Speaker 2 We don't have any Jews in our family. I was like, oh, I don't know.
My uncle Ira. And only later would I realize that he was gay.
I didn't know.

Speaker 2 I just was like, Uncle Ira's in great shape and he always has so many friends. My dad is like, well, yeah, some of his friends are, you know, they're really good friends.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, wow, this guy's got a lot of good friends. He always had like seven or eight dudes around him all the time.
Young, looking, you know, like 22, 23 year old dudes.

Speaker 2 And I just, I was like, this guy's just so cool. All the guys want to be around him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then that's how I learned about body shots.

Speaker 2 No, but I'm keeping it. You're not going to delete that body shop story.
It's shameful. Why? It's just so sad.
That I took a body shot off a guy? Yeah. Can I ask you something? Wait a minute.

Speaker 2 You've never done anything shameful like that? Like, I've sucked a dick before. Okay.
Now, let me say something. Ask you something.
Yeah. When you talked about the Ira guy.
Ira, yeah. Okay.

Speaker 2 It sparked something else that I thought I would never say,

Speaker 2 but I need your advice.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 I'm not going to tell you. I'm never going to tell you who it is.
I know who it is already. No, you don't.
Yeah, I do.

Speaker 2 Okay. You don't even know the gist of the story.

Speaker 2 You told me where it came from, so my brain is going to a place. Okay, so I was at a club, a comedy club, hanging out, another comic.

Speaker 2 It was just me and this other comic. How long ago?

Speaker 2 Before the pandemic, probably a year ago. Okay.

Speaker 2 And he's just sitting there and he goes, Hey, man, can I express something to you, man? Because I know your dad died. You know, it was like right after my dad died.
And he goes, I go, yeah, he goes,

Speaker 2 I don't know, man. It's just like when I was a kid,

Speaker 2 my dad had a business partner.

Speaker 2 And I go, uh-huh.

Speaker 2 And the business partner would call the house and ask for me.

Speaker 2 And I go, huh?

Speaker 2 Basically, man, like, he gave me a hundred bucks because we were poor. You know what I mean? We're poor

Speaker 2 to jerk him off. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And I was like, I didn't know what to say. What was the business?

Speaker 2 It was a hand-jerking

Speaker 2 business.

Speaker 2 It was like a, you know, just a hand job.

Speaker 2 Handyman. They called it handyman.

Speaker 2 Handyman.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Wait a minute.
But when somebody says something to you, he said he'd his dad's business partner paid him $100 just to give him a hand job? Yeah. And he did it all the time.
He did a lot.

Speaker 2 $100 is pretty good.

Speaker 2 That's pretty good. Yeah.
That's what I, I think that's what I told him. Yes, I guess.
And he goes, oh, just for a hand job? Yeah. He goes, I go, yeah.
What year? It was in the 80s. I go, yeah.

Speaker 2 It's like 500 bucks today. It's like 500 bucks today.

Speaker 2 Wait, so he did a lot. He came to the business.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and I kind of went, I didn't give him any advice because what do you say to somebody? I just said,

Speaker 2 all right, man.

Speaker 2 I'm about to go up. He just got the light.
Yeah, yeah. I got to go.
I just don't know how to like

Speaker 2 deal with that. To this day, have you ever talked to him about it? No.
He wanted you to help him through that. He obviously was sexually abused.
He also told me never to talk about it.

Speaker 2 We just talked about it. Yeah, but I didn't say his name.
Let's take a guess. Let's have Rudy guess.
No, no, no, no, no, no, we're not playing that. Let's have Rudy guess.

Speaker 2 Anyway, that hasn't happened. His name starts with a.

Speaker 2 Let's just say, we'll say who it is. He's an older comic.
I don't want to talk about it. He's an older comic, Rudy.
His name starts with a C. His last name.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 yeah. So, C.
Yep.

Speaker 2 H.

Speaker 2 It starts with C H

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 The last name, right? T O.

Speaker 2 All right. So,

Speaker 2 Chuck. Yes.

Speaker 2 Tony!

Speaker 2 Chuck Tony, dude. That guy's so good.
He's such a good comic. I can't believe he did that stuff.
Great one-liners. Great one-liners.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. His point of view is very specific.

Speaker 2 You guys ever jerked off one of your dad's business partners for $100?

Speaker 2 God knows I have.

Speaker 2 It's good to be here.

Speaker 2 That's sad. I shouldn't make fun of that.
Yeah, it's so sad. But he didn't have to kiss him or nothing.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 that brings up, right? That brings up, like, even this joke that we're doing. Yeah, it's a joke.

Speaker 2 It's a complete and utter joke, but I just feel like that we're in a time, you know,

Speaker 2 where we can't even joke about stuff like that. It's not a funny thing.
Listen, anyone listening right now, we're not, it's a terrible thing. They're fans.
They know we're just kids.

Speaker 2 I understand that, but I just, we have to now reiterate to them. Because you're afraid that someone's going to take that out of context?

Speaker 2 You know, I've been accused of a lot of things that are taking out of context out of podcasts. Sure.
But anybody that knows, anyone that knows that means anything in the business, i.e.

Speaker 2 all the people that you're working with right now, they know that this is a, that we're fucking around. We're having a good time.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but still, people on the internet and Reddit and people, they just start like, you know, coming up with their own like theories. And why do you think that is?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Huh.
Do you think it's because people are bored and they have nothing fucking better to do? No. The pandemic.
I think that

Speaker 2 a lot of people out there have, you know, have been hurt

Speaker 2 in the past and have been victimized. And I think there's a lot of anger and rage that goes on with that.
And, you know, I'm all for fighting for the little man, you know, and

Speaker 2 fighting against oppression and

Speaker 2 wrongdoings. But it's like, it comes to a point where it's like,

Speaker 2 it is getting out of hand. Well, I think it's getting out of hand.
I think people are going to pull stuff out of context on a podcast because it's the easiest thing to do.

Speaker 2 To just go, oh, they made a joke about that, and it wasn't okay.

Speaker 2 You can say it, every joke is not okay. You can say that with every joke ever made.
You can go, that's not okay, that's not an okay thing to say.

Speaker 2 But people also seem to think that everything that I say or what we say is truth.

Speaker 2 Yeah, of course, yeah, no, yeah, and we're so far from, I mean, it's like, you know,

Speaker 2 yeah, maybe 80% of my stories are based on some sort of truth, but we embellish things, right? We'll put in new characters

Speaker 2 and change things to make the story funnier or better because

Speaker 2 more interesting. You're a storyteller.
Well, that's what comics do. Well, like, for instance, that story you just told, that guy, he didn't give him a hand job.
He used to blow his dad's friend.

Speaker 2 Fuck him. No condom.
Right in the asshole.

Speaker 2 There, we're going to get written up for that. You know what's so funny, though?

Speaker 2 People.

Speaker 2 People are strange. People are strange.

Speaker 2 And you are strange. But look, then

Speaker 2 some people are getting in trouble when you know it was coming. That's what's even funny to me.
Like, the Joe Biden, the guy that got in trouble for,

Speaker 2 he wrote Joe and the Ho. Did you see that campaign that they did? I was like, you know, you're going to get fired.
A guy tweeted an image that was like Joe Biden's Twitter campaign or whatever.

Speaker 2 And he tweeted it and it basically just said Joe and the Ho. And he was like a professional photographer or something who was,

Speaker 2 you know, I was like, how do you not know that you, this is what I mean. Like if someone pulls something out of context for us, yeah, what are you going to do? They fucking, they just, they, they,

Speaker 2 what, what a weird, that's Joe Ho. What a weird, that's Joe Hoe.
Yeah, yeah. No, Joe and the hoe was a thing that someone just, yeah, look at this, this guy.
Look at this. And he tweeted this.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then he got fired for it almost immediately, obviously, because,

Speaker 2 you know, how do you not know that that's going to get you fucking fired? Especially if you're at a job that has profile. First of all, you would know that.
That's what I'm saying. Like, how obvious.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But that's my point.
It's like when the internet calls out stuff that's like ridiculous like that, I go, yeah, come on, dude. That guy fucking, you got to know that that's the dumbest thing.

Speaker 2 But when somebody takes something out of contest as a story from a fucking podcast of us just joking around,

Speaker 2 I just, how do you not know the difference? That's just like, you're, of course, they're going to fucking yell at you about that.

Speaker 2 I'm not saying the guy should be fucking strung out to dry and kill him for that, but it's like, well, he knows that's dumb. That's a dumb thing to tweet.
Yeah, it's just concerning to me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, you know, I don't know. We're going to make it out of live.
As soon as we get out of the pandy, I think we're going to be fine. And Rudy,

Speaker 2 when, when, when, when is that? Rudy is going to lead us out of the pandy. When is that going to happen? Rudy, when's it going to happen?

Speaker 4 Next year.

Speaker 2 What time? You're the soothsayer. You know.

Speaker 4 April.

Speaker 2 April. Of next year?

Speaker 2 April 2021. Oh, my God.
God, how many months is left now? September, October, November, January, February, March, April. I have to count on my hands.
I don't know how to do that month. Seven months?

Speaker 2 So crazy. Think about it.
Do you really think that's a good thing?

Speaker 2 When's the last time you did stand-up?

Speaker 2 Philadelphia, Philly Punchline,

Speaker 2 March 8th. Yeah, me too, in March sometime.
March 8th and 9th.

Speaker 2 March. How long has it been?

Speaker 2 April, May, June, July, August, five months. Oh, wow.
Wow.

Speaker 2 I don't feel like a stand-up anymore. I don't either.
You know, it's so funny. I don't even think I'm a stand-up anymore.
We're not. We're podcast guys.
We're podcast guys now. Look at us.

Speaker 2 One, two, three. Podcast guys.

Speaker 2 Welcome back to podcast guy. No, I don't feel like a stand-up at all.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I got an offer. What is it?

Speaker 2 Outdoor show, 20 people. La Jolla? No, that I did get already as well.
I got that. Outdoor show, 20 people.
Where?

Speaker 2 I'm not going to mention it because I don't want to, I don't want to. Are you going to do it? No.
Yeah. 20 people.
Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 2 every day I get calls. I was like, I can't do that.
There was a televised thing they asked me to do. I can't tell you who it was, but probably the same guy.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But it was going to be like on streaming, and it's 20, 40 people

Speaker 2 in a big, you know, park.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, yeah, I go, I'm not doing stand-up until it's back in the clubs. Until it's stand-up again.
Yeah. Look, I don't blame people for doing it.

Speaker 2 I just don't, I don't think I'm going to be good at it. I said on this other podcast, if you and I got to go on a tour and do a little fun thing, yeah, we would probably have some fun.

Speaker 2 But it's so hard to route. It's tough to like get in a bus and then we have to drive all the way across the country.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's like, you know, back in when we were doing stand-up and somebody,

Speaker 2 you'd run into an alternative comic. Say, hey, man, I have this show in Silverlake, you know what I mean? And I had Laundromat.

Speaker 2 And every once in in a while, you'll go, fuck it.

Speaker 2 He asks me every fucking winter. He's a good dude.
I like him. So I drive over there, and it's like, there's just 20 people in a laundromat.
You hear some lady dropping chats.

Speaker 2 And it's like, and the comics up there are like reading other jokes off of a notebook, and they're crushing.

Speaker 2 Right? And I go up there to do my performance piece. Right? Nothing.

Speaker 2 And then you think, and then you get off and you go, man, I fucking ate it. I haven't eaten that in so long.
They're like, you did well.

Speaker 2 It's the same thing as this. It's going to be the the same thing.
Yeah, you're not going to be able to feel it at all. Yeah, yeah, you're not going to be able to feel it.
I like

Speaker 2 being on stage and getting,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 And dicks in the audience getting hard.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And just like,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? Juices. Just kind of like.
I like it.

Speaker 2 I don't like cricket, cricket, cricket. I don't like it.

Speaker 2 The outdoor thing is going to got to be tough. I think a lot of people are just doing it and dealing with it, but I just don't.
I don't know, man. Maybe you and I should go do one outdoor show

Speaker 2 well I don't know I mean it's because we if you're listening Andrew and I were trying to do a road we were gonna do a road tour yeah a road tour maybe podcast in certain towns right you come out you know outside you know I would do that like let's get a just really hard to do it's hard to like figure out well you can not do stand-up but let's do it get a minivan not a minivan but like a trailer well how about this A long time ago, Rogan wanted to buy one of those sprinter vans.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And he was like, dude, if you outfitted a sprinter van with a bunch of cameras, you could podcast from the van on the way to whatever venue we're going to.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I was like, that's a genius idea. And he never did it.

Speaker 2 And I was like, just because he was like, you could buy, you could rent one of these Sprinter vans or buy them, which is what he wanted to do, and just put cameras in them.

Speaker 2 And we could just pod from there. We'd have Fancy B working the controls.
Would you be in there with us, Fancy B? Of course. Fancy B could drive.
Can he drive? Can you drive? Do you have a license?

Speaker 2 I do. Did they give you guys licenses? Yeah.
Yeah. Fancy B could drive, right? Jules would have to go.
Yeah, she has to be shotgun. Shotgun.
Can you stay awake for for long trips, though?

Speaker 2 I don't want you falling asleep in case Fancy B dozes off.

Speaker 1 I always

Speaker 4 sleep on car rides.

Speaker 2 She always does. Okay, so we can't have her in the front.
We have to have someone that's a co-pilot that can stay awake. Should do.
What if we give you a little bump of cocaine?

Speaker 2 You think you can stay awake?

Speaker 2 Do you never done drugs? Look at me in the face and say I've done it. She never does.
She never has. See, I promise.
I promise. But we go to town to town.
We'll do four cities.

Speaker 2 Four cities. Start.
Start. With four cities.

Speaker 2 Where do we go first? We'd probably go to Phoenix. Phoenix? Right.
Then to Albuquerque.

Speaker 2 Albuquerque. Austin.
Austin. Houston.
Houston, Dallas.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Back home.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 That we could do. A little southwest tour? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. No, I'm being real.
I know. And we pod it.
And pod in it like in a van, right? Don't you think that's a good idea? No, but we have to set up like venues where we can do our podcast.

Speaker 2 It's a live podcast. Yeah, outside, though.
Outside. And figure that out.

Speaker 2 You think we'd be able to do that? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Live pod outside, and then people just show up in their cars like that. No seats or nothing, right?

Speaker 2 No, no, you could even do seats and just have like some sort of like social distancing merch table where we sell stuff.

Speaker 2 Or we'll make Fancy B or George sell. Fancy, will you go sell merch?

Speaker 2 Yes. Or we have, or people can just, people can just, what I love,

Speaker 2 I would love is people wait in line, right?

Speaker 2 We have a table set up, and you and I are just standing. There's a whole area where we're way far back from people.

Speaker 2 30 40 feet 20 feet 20 feet right and people can say hi right and we just go what's up man thank you for coming and that kind of thing and then you know what we'll do we'll do we'll do a plexiglass yeah and we'll like the scientists do when they're doing experiments we'll have our hands through with the gloves yeah do you know what i'm talking about and we can we can wave to people and shake their hands through those gloves we could do also do a peck plexiglass thing to take photos with people that's what i'm saying yeah but our hands can go through the gloves like the scientists do you know do you know yeah yeah that's cool and we can high-five them yeah and they can kiss us on the glass if they want to kiss us on the glass.

Speaker 2 Kiss is five bucks, obviously. Yeah.
Or smear your tit against the window. Yeah, put your tit on the plexi.
Plexi? Plexi tits. Yeah, yeah.
And then we'll shake hands and we'll say hi to people.

Speaker 2 Do you want to do that? Yeah, I do. And if they can't hear us, we'll put a

Speaker 2 string through it and like a can. Remember when you used to be cans when you were a kid? Yeah, yeah.
I'm down to do it. If you're down to do it and we get in a bus, we can do it.

Speaker 2 We have to rent a big bus and we have to sleep on the bus. Well, yeah, it's got to have beds in it.
Yeah, so we do a trailer. Wait, what do you call them? A RV.
RV? Yeah, we'll do an RV. A cool RV.

Speaker 2 You know, probably George and

Speaker 2 George, Fancy B. Fancy B, Jules.
And us and us. Are we bringing our ladies or no? No, they have to leave them.
Yeah. Because there's nowhere for them to sleep and they can't sleep with us.

Speaker 2 We need to sleep in our beds alone. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Joe, George and Fancy B share a bed.

Speaker 2 Rudy gets one and you and I get one. Three beds.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Well, three beds, but four. You guys are fine sharing a bed, aren't you, Fancy?

Speaker 2 But if you look at one of those trailers, there's

Speaker 2 a back

Speaker 2 section, right, where the main bed is. That's me and you.

Speaker 2 We're sleeping in there together. Okay.
Yeah, but we got to get a club.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but separate beds. We'll put a piece of glass between us.
No, no, I'm not sleeping next to you like that. You wouldn't sleep in bed with me?

Speaker 2 Are you a fucking mom? You wouldn't sleep in a bed with me?

Speaker 2 Priest? No. Priest.
But then on the side, there's these individual beds on a tour bus, right? Yeah, and they get those. They get those.
There's always four. How about this? This will be great.

Speaker 2 Here's what we'll do. Because we want a democracy.
Yeah, you can get the main bed. I'll take because four beds, I'll take the top one.
No, here's the deal.

Speaker 2 We switch over who gets what bed, what night. It's a gamble.
We put our name in a hat. No, no, no.
I'll just take a small bed. I'll take a small bed on the top, but I don't get a word of...

Speaker 2 You can take the main bed in the back. Sounds great to me.
Okay, good. You can take the main bed in the back.
You don't want the main bed? I like the little bed. I like the little bed.

Speaker 2 Because it feels like back home.

Speaker 2 That's racial, but on my own. What do you mean that's racial? Back home.
I have a fucking double king-sized bed right home. Back in Korea.
Oh, yeah, yeah. It's a small bed.

Speaker 2 The tiny little beds on there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Let's do it, though.
No, I'm serious. If you really want to do it, we should.
No, but I don't want you to just say it.

Speaker 2 Let's make the call. I'll do it for the fall.
I'll call after this. In the fall.
Well, yeah. I'm saying earlier.
We're approaching the fall, right? Do you know what time of year it is right now?

Speaker 2 We're about to be in the fall in like three weeks. Yeah, that meant the fall.
I want the fall. Can we call one of our agents and see if we can do it right now? Yeah, let's do it.
You want to? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, who do I call? We'll call your agent. Let's see.

Speaker 2 Let's see what he says.

Speaker 2 Hello. Matt Blake, Andrew Santino.
Great to talk to you, bud.

Speaker 2 What's up, Santino? How are you, buddy? It's me too, Bobby. Bobby's your agent.
I mean, your agent, your client.

Speaker 2 Your client. You're on our show.

Speaker 2 You're on a show right now.

Speaker 2 Oh, boy.

Speaker 2 Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that?

Speaker 2 Is it that? Is it that?

Speaker 2 Is it that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is it that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that is that

Speaker 2 do you have sleep apnea?

Speaker 2 I do you do don't you yeah I can hear it when you breathe I do have it. I'm dead serious.
Like if you hear let's be silent for two seconds. Will you just breathe into the mic?

Speaker 2 I've been smoking too much, I think. I gotta quit.
Let me hear you breathe with your nose into the mic. Just your nose.
Go.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, there it is.

Speaker 2 I can hear it. You have sleep apnea, huh? In the middle of the night, you go.

Speaker 2 Oh, I make noises at night, yeah.

Speaker 2 I make like these kind of noises.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, and it drives Kalila crazy. But then Joe Rogue, Joe Coy has it.
Joe Rogan Coy? No, Joe Rogan Coy has it, and he has to wear one of those Bane masks to go to sleep. Yeah,

Speaker 2 yeah. And I saw him wear it once, and I go, I just don't want to, but I think it's the smoking.
You think the smoking is causing it? Yeah, I'm smoking a lot. But sleep apnea.
You gotta quit.

Speaker 2 Sleep apnea, you can die from it in the middle of the night. You know that, right? That's why he wears a mask.
Yeah. But how many are you smoking now? Are you smoking a pack a day? No, less.

Speaker 2 But I've been, I'm just having a hard time breathing. Let me ask you something real.
I'm not being mean. Does Kalila make you brush your teeth before you kiss her? After you smoke?

Speaker 2 Like a couple times, yeah.

Speaker 2 She's like, get in there and

Speaker 2 wash out the trench before you get over here. Yeah, I think I need to get healthy or I'm going to die.

Speaker 2 I don't think you're going to die right now from smoking, but it's definitely going to hurt you in the long run, I guess.

Speaker 2 Yes, it is going to. I mean, maybe.
I'm having a hard time breathing, I think.

Speaker 2 In general, like when you just walked up the stairs after you smoked, it was like Mount Everest.

Speaker 2 Seriously, it's hard. Yeah.
Are you breathing heavy?

Speaker 2 Here's a good pulse. Here, check your pulse.
I put your here. No, I have high blood pressure.
Well, how many beats per minute are you? 42. That's literally impossible.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 42 would be like a high-end athlete. That's like a world-class athlete.
He's sub-60. 2, 3, 4, 5, 6.
Yeah, 42. 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8.
What is that, a Broadway play? 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I have real conditions. Are you taking blood pressure med? Yeah, I am.
What's it called? Amblipine. Amblipine? Yeah.
And what is it for? Is it for people who have... High blood pressure.

Speaker 2 I've never heard of that one.

Speaker 2 Does it affect you any other way or no? It affects my dick a little bit. You can't get your pee-pee hard? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Are you being serious? Well, I was making love to Kalila the other night, and

Speaker 2 she was looking at my talons. Your hook feet? Your feet? Yeah, like

Speaker 2 I don't cut my nails.

Speaker 2 So she took a glimpse of my toes sticking out of the blankets like this.

Speaker 2 And then she was just like, that took me out of it a little bit. Do you have anything to do with it?

Speaker 2 Don't look at my feet. Show your feet.
I don't want to show my feet. Show your feet.
No. I'll show my feet.
You show your feet.

Speaker 2 No. You end up on Wiki feet.
I don't want to be on Wiki feet. I have bad feet.
What if you're already on Wiki feet for having weird feet? I'm not on WikiFeet. Have you looked? Yeah.
How do you know?

Speaker 2 There's no way I'm on WikiFeet. Celebrity search, let's see.
Bobby Lee, God, I hope, so bad you're on WikiFeet.

Speaker 2 Damn it. Nothing.
Whose feet do you think that are on here that you want to see on WikiFeet?

Speaker 2 I'd like to see

Speaker 2 Brad Pitt. Brad Pitt's feet.
You think he's got hot feet?

Speaker 2 I didn't even know those are Wiki feet. Yeah, Wiki feet, feet, feet.
Brad Pitt, too many T's. Too many T's.

Speaker 2 How do they knock out that guy's foot? That guy's got a girl. Because he's wearing shoes all the time.
He got to take off them shoes. No.
Who do we have here?

Speaker 2 This says celebrities, but I don't know any of these names. Ely Goulding, she's a singer.
Alicia Ambrosio, Vanessa Hudgens. Isn't this weird? This is a real site dedicated to people's feet.

Speaker 2 It's not nudity. I've never had a foot fetish, have you? No.
I mean, I think like women's legs and feet are sexy. I do too.
But I don't. But like this, look, there's no nudity, but just somebody.

Speaker 2 But I've seen porn where the guy is taking a woman's foot, and then he takes the bottom of the feet, sandwiches his penis in between, yeah, and you know, I mean, and then, and then the and then the girl has to do this weird, like, you know what I mean, this, this move, and the guy's like, yeah, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I'm like, what? The whole time, I'd be like, oh,

Speaker 2 I don't, I don't get it. This is the thing, people like this, like, they like to look at their feet.
What is that, Rudy? Do you have a fascination with feet? No. Do you know why people do?

Speaker 4 I don't know.

Speaker 4 It's sexy for them?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I guess, but it's kind of weird.

Speaker 2 Okay, let's say, let me say, if you were, let's say,

Speaker 2 because I know that you're attracted to Harry Styles,

Speaker 2 right? Let's see if his feet are on here.

Speaker 2 How do you spell his name? H-A-R-Y-S-C-Y-L-E S? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Come on, Wiggy Feet. What a crocker shit.
All right, so,

Speaker 2 Jules. Feet of the year.
Let's suppose you're making love to Harry Styles, and you look down and his feet, right, were like green and black because of like, you know. If they were like Tito Bobbies.

Speaker 2 Like my feet.

Speaker 2 Would that turn you off? And they smelt?

Speaker 3 Kind of, but I think I'd still do it.

Speaker 2 Right. Because you just love them so much.
That's how hot that guy is. Wow.
But you know what's so crazy about this?

Speaker 2 Feet carry the weight of your body. They're inherently going to be gross.
I don't care how good you take care of your feet. You're going to have gross feet.

Speaker 2 They carry the weight of your body, and they're the bottoms of our body, right?

Speaker 2 It's the same way I feel about, like, why are we attracted to butts? It's just, it's your poop portal, and I don't know why we like it. But I'm not, like, I'm very specific with butts.

Speaker 2 Like, what kind of butt is you like? Like, I know, you know, I have certain friends that like, you know,

Speaker 2 booty. Black eyes.
I'm not going to say that. Black eyes.
That's what I meant. I didn't mean that.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, right.
But they're just like thick-ass

Speaker 2 booties. And I look at, like, like, look at this one on the internet, whatever, and I go, uh-uh, right? I like it to a degree.
You like a regular button? But I don't like it when it's cartoony.

Speaker 2 I don't like cartoony butts either. And now people are getting butt implants, and I see girls and two cartoony for me.
Yeah. But

Speaker 2 I like regular

Speaker 2 vag guy.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 That part I like too yeah yeah and I there's certain ways a vag looks where I just got turned off but that's you know I'm not body shaming anybody yeah you are when whatever your vag looks like that's on you that's fine no whatever you know like just the way you're doing your hands you're like whatever your vague

Speaker 2 let me ask you this if you

Speaker 2 let's suppose you you you're not married and you meet the most beautiful woman you've ever met yeah i see her now Okay, and she spreads open her, you're eating, you know, eating the

Speaker 2 eating the vag. I'm going down on her.
That's what I'm doing. My bad.
I'm not a doctor.

Speaker 2 And, you know, you open up the cavernous flower. The flower.
The flower.

Speaker 2 And you,

Speaker 2 instead of a clit, right? Instead of a clit, there's a little penis.

Speaker 2 You're like, in the beginning, you're like, is that a clit? But then it just gets erect.

Speaker 2 Right. And it just gets hard.
And it's literally, you know,

Speaker 2 you know, you have the head and the head and the skin. And I pull away and I go, what is that?

Speaker 2 And she's like, yeah i was just born with a little penis inside my vagina oh whoa and then she looks at you and she goes will you suck it please would you suck it

Speaker 2 what if i get it you would do a lick first like

Speaker 2 yeah you would do a quick lick just one

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 yeah yeah she's the most beautiful woman i've ever met in my life yeah she's like more please

Speaker 2 right right and then i would say i have enough money can we get it taken off she's like no i really like that's where i get all my sensation actually i come out of it.

Speaker 2 Right? So she was like, just suck it, right? I put that.

Speaker 2 Yeah, like I stick it in my mouth real quick

Speaker 2 and drag it back out. Yeah.
And then what if it just, you know, it just sprays in your face?

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Like just hot milk.

Speaker 2 You know what I thought would be really cool? Was if a girl had one big boob, if there was just one boob on a chest.

Speaker 2 Anything one boob would be cool? Yeah. Two boobs is weird.
One big boob would be cool if it was just one big mound boob. Yeah, you know, I have fantasies about limbs missing.

Speaker 2 Like a girl with like a with one leg gone gone yeah a leg gone like a removable no i wouldn't want that that makes me laugh yeah i would laugh too hard if a girl gets in bed and goes takes off the legs i would laugh so hard right and she just puts them on the counter

Speaker 2 like a mr mr potato head

Speaker 2 i would laugh so hard and then she's just a body

Speaker 2 i would laugh so hard i would still do it boy like i would still do it fantasies about a little about people with missing limbs yeah one time i was at the la jolla comedy store and there was a girl girl.

Speaker 2 I just saw her face and she was beautiful. Yeah.
And I looked down and she just had nubs. Both of her arms? Both our arms.
Jeez. And I thought to myself, yeah.
Still.

Speaker 2 100%.

Speaker 2 Chilling. I think you'd have to drive all the time.
Yep. And that's the excuse.
Yeah. You can't, you know.
Also, but you never have to give her a hug. That's true.

Speaker 2 She's never going to be like, hug me, goodbye. You're like, I just wave.
Yeah, but then you have to wipe everything down. Is waving rude?

Speaker 2 Right, right. Is that like showing off? Oh, that's not how I would wave.
You You know how I would wave? Right. I would be like, bye.

Speaker 2 And I would wave with my elbow. See ya.
See you. Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is crazy, but there was a guy sitting at the bar. And where were we in? Austin?

Speaker 2 At Cap City?

Speaker 2 And we were outside of the bar all night. I was drinking with this guy, talking, laughing.
He gets up to go away, and he's got one of those legs where the shoe is big.

Speaker 2 Do you know what I'm talking about? It's like a big shoe because one leg is really, really short. And I saw him get down.
He goes, I'll take, take it easy. And I didn't know what to say.

Speaker 2 And I'm looking at his, and I go, oh my God,

Speaker 2 that's a.

Speaker 2 I know, I know. I got so uncomfortable.
And he was like, what's up? And I was like,

Speaker 2 those custom shoes, those shoes are dope. And he was like, oh, yeah, yeah,

Speaker 2 it's what you, I have to get it because my one leg is longer than the other one. I was like, I know, I see it.
Yeah. It's weird.
I don't know what to say sometimes.

Speaker 2 I was at the ice house and there was a line coming to my show, right?

Speaker 2 And there was a group of guys, and one guy was making like the funniest face. It was like this.

Speaker 2 Just fucking around. Yeah, he was like in front of his face.
I go, that's a funny face. And he goes, what do you mean?

Speaker 2 It was, that was his face. Like, he had some sort of like, you know, disorder.
Disorder, right? You're his being that. And I was like, I mean, you know, I mean,

Speaker 2 you're handsome. Like, you don't know what to say.
What if he does a regular face and he looks like us? Like, this is him all the time. And he's like, oh, look, I'm one of you guys.
Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 And then he goes right back to it.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do regular face. Do regular face, Mike.
He's like.

Speaker 2 Yeah. They have a nice laugh at us.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hey, we all have to make fun of each other equally. Isn't that right, Boob? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you ever watch it? Have I talked about Body Bazaar? I have, right? No. What is Body Bazaar? It's one of my favorite shows in the whole world.

Speaker 2 Do you know what this is? No. Body Bazaar is the best show ever.
On what? It sounds like an old age.

Speaker 2 No, it's new. They have new seasons.
Body Bazaar. Yeah, I'm telling you right now, look it up.
Body Bazaar. Yeah, show.
Okay. But tell me more.
What is it? What's the deal?

Speaker 2 Every episode, there's like three or four different cases of people with like disorders that are very like unusual.

Speaker 2 Oh, dude. I've seen this.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Body Bazaar. I've seen this.
Body Bazaar. Yeah.
I've seen this before. Yeah,

Speaker 2 I've seen.

Speaker 2 I saw

Speaker 2 a guy that has hair growing out of his eyeballs and stuff. They got the hairiest man in the world.
I've seen that guy. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Or what about like

Speaker 2 a guy that lives in the the jungle and he's a tree. Yeah, he's made out of

Speaker 2 tree man, right? Oh, look at this tall, like tallest woman in the world. Yeah.
Tallest boy and the wait, the tallest boy and the man with his

Speaker 2 tallest boy, that's a boy. Is that a boy? That's a woman.
It says the tallest boy. And the man with his woman.

Speaker 2 It says the tallest boy, my friend. That's not a boy.
I've seen that episode. That's a woman.
It literally says the tallest boy. So that's a boy.

Speaker 2 And the man with his,

Speaker 2 that's just the background of the actual show that has nothing to do with the

Speaker 2 twins attached to the head. Twins who have hold on twins that have attached to the head, that blows my mind.
Dude, if you and I

Speaker 2 refused, if you and I refused to at the head, and we had the same personality, our same dynamic. The worst thing in the world.
They just one day would find our skeletal.

Speaker 2 body one with a fucking you know in our skeleton a fucking sword sticking out right one's completely burnt on fire i mean imagine every night i mean we don't sleep until six in the morning.

Speaker 2 I'd fucking kill you. I would fucking kill you.
Yeah. I'd kill you so fast.
I would kill you so fucking fast. How would you kill me? Slit your throat.
No, but if we're head to head. Yeah, and I go.

Speaker 2 Oh, right, right.

Speaker 2 Yeah. I'd stab you.
Yeah, and I wouldn't. We would be in a stabbing war like this.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
This poor woman, some of these cases are just insane. Insanely.
That's crazy. That's you and me.

Speaker 2 What can I say? We're attached to the hip. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That's the craziest kind of stuff to me. That their bodies are fused.
You know what I don't like when I want to watch this? Like.

Speaker 2 Whoa.

Speaker 2 Check it out. Like, if.
Wait, hold on. Yeah.
Just look at this one. Whoa.
I know, dude.

Speaker 2 Over here, please. Over here, please.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 What are you looking at?

Speaker 2 Terrible. Yeah.
What don't you like?

Speaker 2 Like, I hate like,

Speaker 2 you know how white people want to fix people? What? When do I try to fix you? Check it out. So,

Speaker 2 well, sometimes we'll see, like, in a village in India,

Speaker 2 a girl will be born with, like, 12 arms.

Speaker 2 And what happens when that happens? What do you mean? She's the coolest girl in town. Oh, yeah, the villagers find her.
They worship her as a goddess. Yeah, she's fast.
They open her a temple.

Speaker 2 They think she's Shiva. They pray, right? But then some white British doctor was, I'll do it for free.
I'll do the surgery for free. You know what I mean? To make us, you know.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then she just, he removes all the arms. She's not a god anymore.
And then like eight years later, she's working in a non-factory.

Speaker 2 right yeah with just regular arms yeah and she's like this is fucking bullshit i used to be a god they used to throw pedals at my feet yeah i walked in and do shit now i gotta fucking make naan all day noct was like well i did it i did it for free yeah i work white savior shit as free i hate white savior if i had 12 arms i would just say please don't remove them well how about the guy that how about the one guy that left his arm so long in the air that his name you know his arm fused that way did you ever see that guy he would hold his arm he held his arm up for like 60 years do you know you've never seen that No way.

Speaker 2 Swear to God. There's a guy that held his arm up in the air.

Speaker 2 Man holds arm in air. Dude, he held up his arm in the air for like, look at that.
There he is. Boom.
There's my guy. Indian sadhu.
Indian sadhu keeps his arm raised for 38 years. Sorry, I was wrong.

Speaker 2 38 years. This guy.
Look at this guy. Yeah.
This is years ago. Why? This is years ago.
This years ago.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 He was waving to somebody and they just didn't see, so he left it up there until they.

Speaker 2 I will not put it down until he waves back.

Speaker 2 This was a long time ago this guy though why his devotee his devotion look uh this is years and years ago amir bahat bharati claims to have kept his hand raised for 38 years in devotion to hindu deity shiva you know what i would do shiva's the one we're talking about with someone you know what i would do to him what if i was his buddy right no no no no he'd be like this right and i would pull his fingers up so he'd do this much

Speaker 2 so it's like a hitler thing you know you're like hindu can't pull it down he can't pull it down please help help help help twist my fingers back

Speaker 2 but they showed this guy pictures of this guy you can see his fingernails grew super super long it's crazy to me dude yeah what people do look at this guy and look at how skinny his arm oh my god it's a stick now yeah and look at his finger those are his fingernails that's how long those are those are his fingernails so i guess if you don't look like he's always handling a calf if you don't move it it just you lose all the muscle well the muscle dies and then the bone fuses that way wow and the bone fuses that way yeah

Speaker 2 there's no energy that that takes then nope right he would do great in new but he's got a cell phone look at him yeah he's calling he's calling he's calling his uber he's handling his Uber.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Can you imagine? Yeah, that's insane. Left this arm for 38 years.
That kind of stuff is crazy to me. Dude, honestly, some people have way more discipline.
That's discipline.

Speaker 2 And that's how we're going to get you to quit smoking. Will you read a book? I have a book for you to quit smoking.
Yeah, I need to do it. I'm serious.
You got to quit. I need to do it soon.

Speaker 2 Everyone that's listening, all the fans, write in on Bobby's Instagram page, quit smoking. Everyone, write quit smoking in the comments.
Yeah, I need to quit. It's affecting my lungs.

Speaker 2 well what can we do to get you to quit for real

Speaker 2 i don't know what are you willing to what do you how are you willing to go about quitting well i'm doing less so i'm more mindful about when i do it how about this here's a way to do it

Speaker 2 go into your pack and throw away half of the pack i have 15 packs at home okay this isn't gonna work yeah wait really you have 15 you bought a carton yeah like hundreds of packs of this

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 So I don't run out. All right.
You're going to go home, Rude, and you're going to throw it. I don't know where it is.
I hide him. Why do you do this? I hide it.
Can you find his cigarettes?

Speaker 2 Do you know where they are?

Speaker 3 Maybe on his bed.

Speaker 2 In his bed?

Speaker 4 Like at the side.

Speaker 3 Oh, he is. In the table, but it's really disgusting.

Speaker 2 It is. What do you mean?

Speaker 4 There's like ants.

Speaker 2 There's ants inside your house on your side, bedside, table. So we have these two beautiful side, you know,

Speaker 2 bedside tables. Bedside tables.

Speaker 2 And Kalila's and I are the same style. Right.
But But her drawer has these little compartments. She put little boxes in there.
This is where my meds go. Right.
This is where the keys go. Right.

Speaker 2 If you open mine, it's like a fucking

Speaker 2 aerial view of fucking Vietnam. I mean, it's like...
What's in there? Is there food in there? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Food wrappers, old donuts, ants. Do you eat food in bed? Fingernails.

Speaker 2 You eat food in bed. Skin.

Speaker 2 Does Kalila let you eat food in bed? No, but what I'll do is she'll fall asleep, and I'll go Indian style in front of my

Speaker 2 bedside table.

Speaker 2 And I prop my iPad on it. And I watch like horror movies.
Yeah. And then I'll be eating like a Snickers bar.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And then I'll take powder. Powder? Yeah, I take this stuff called dream powder.
It helps me go to sleep. Oh, does it?

Speaker 2 Not really. So I'll be eating Snickers.
I'll do dream powder. And I'll drink a Diet Coke.
And I'll be like, I don't want to go to the kitchen. I'll just throw it in the fucking Snowden.

Speaker 2 So you throw it in the the drawer next to your bed. Yeah, yeah.
And it's never been cleaned.

Speaker 2 Everyone needs to write in, Bobby. I have problems.
Quit smoking. No, quit smoking.
Yeah. That's the first thing we're going to take care of.

Speaker 2 Next week, we're going to do an exercise on how to quit smoking. Yeah, I might be too late, though.
No, no, no, no, no. You're never going to be able to do it.
My lungs are over.

Speaker 2 My dad smoked for like 35 years and he quit. He did? How long did you smoke for? You've only been smoking for like 16 years.
I was 18. All right, so 45 years for you.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 We're going to get you to quit smoking, okay? Your dad is still alive? Yeah. And his lungs are clean now.
They are?

Speaker 2 i mean they're cleaner than they're cleaner than when they were when he was smoking yeah will you please quit yeah i'm gonna try all right all right thank you for being my bad friend

Speaker 2 is just that is that

Speaker 2 is that this is that is just that is that for what weird isn't that it's that

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