Bobby Floods the House and Rudy Gets Revenge

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Speaker 2 Yeah, he's so loud, so annoying. They're so annoying.
I hate this job, Jules. I know.
Look, these mics actually get close to you.

Speaker 2 I think we should just like

Speaker 2 we can take over.

Speaker 2 Do you think the show would be successful if we would do it?

Speaker 2 Maybe. Right? Maybe.

Speaker 2 Look, we even have

Speaker 2 some of the homeless plus

Speaker 2 clothes from

Speaker 2 tito bobby

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 right

Speaker 2 yeah

Speaker 2 hey welcome to bad friends hi

Speaker 2 right and i can just like yell at you because that's super easy it's like you're late you're late today why are you late

Speaker 2 right you just have to do nothing this is the easiest job in the world. Yeah.
They don't even know how much we do. Can I still have my knife? Yeah, I think you should have your knife.
Okay.

Speaker 2 That's it.

Speaker 2 There you are. If they interrupt us, then...
Then we use it? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Be so nice. I think this will be so much nicer.

Speaker 2 You're talking now? You're starting?

Speaker 2 Yeah, why don't you start the podcast?

Speaker 2 Let them start the podcast.

Speaker 2 Is it on? Everything on? Yeah. Okay, go ahead.
Welcome to Bad Friends. Hi.

Speaker 2 We decided to take over Bobby and Andrew. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because this is such an easy job. We just get to talk and shout at each other.
Right.

Speaker 2 Right. And be mean.
And be mean.

Speaker 2 We could be good good friends instead of bad friends. Yeah.
Right?

Speaker 2 We're way nicer.

Speaker 2 So, what did you do today, Juliana? Did you slept until like four?

Speaker 2 No, I slept until um five

Speaker 2 and I woke up because the constructors were coming to our house because

Speaker 2 um yesterday Tito Bobby flooded the house

Speaker 2 while we were on the beach.

Speaker 2 I did something.

Speaker 2 Shut up, shut up.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Right, so what what else happened? And then the floor is broken and then we have to move to another house in a week.
How did he do that? I don't know.

Speaker 2 He couldn't hear it, so but I don't believe him. Was he playing video games? He was doing yoga.
Nah.

Speaker 2 He was exercising?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Oh, wow.

Speaker 2 You guys are doing a good job with him.

Speaker 2 And what about you, Any?

Speaker 2 Tito Bobby, can you get closer to the mic?

Speaker 2 I am close. Closer.

Speaker 2 This is it. This one ended in my mic.
No, closer. I'm close now.
This isn't the way.

Speaker 2 He can't get any closer than this.

Speaker 2 That's what you do.

Speaker 2 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 1 You are these two idiots.

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 I'm bad friends.

Speaker 2 Somebody's got to go to a country club so he can get in at three o'clock. Cause he is elitist.
That's right.

Speaker 2 It's like, um...

Speaker 2 Hey, everybody, welcome to Bad Friends. I'm Bobby Lee.
I'm Andrew Santino. And so, you know, I get a call yesterday from one of my best buddies.

Speaker 2 He goes, hey, he goes, hey, you know, that's how he fucking answers the phone. I said, hi, Bob.
I was actually very nice the other day. I go, hey, Bob, how are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I congratulated you, didn't I?

Speaker 2 Because what did you do? What did you do the other day? So, nothing. What did you do? What do you mean? I do a lot of things.
What did I congratulate you on, Bob?

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm being perfect.

Speaker 2 What did I congratulate you on? Oh, I see. Oh, you sold a television show.
Okay. Congratulations.
Thank you. That's huge.
Yeah. And because.

Speaker 2 So let me say something. Yeah, go ahead.
All right. So I'm this week, I'm pitching to networks because I wrote a stupid show.
Okay? With my friend Peter.

Speaker 2 Peter wrote it.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. God damn.
You don't even have final draft on your computer. I bet my life on it.
Okay. Anyway.
Do you?

Speaker 2 Do you have? I don't have a computer. Okay.
So Peter wrote it. No, you, I do old school.

Speaker 2 Yes, old school. Hemingway.
What's old school? Fucking pad. With a feather pad? Yeah, yeah, the feather pad.
Okay.

Speaker 2 All right, so you wrote the show with Peter, and you sold a show, and I was so happy for you. So then Thursday, we shoot this on Thursdays.
Usually, yeah.

Speaker 2 Usually, and I call him and I say, listen, we're still pitching to other places. Can we move this to Friday? And he goes, ah,

Speaker 2 ah,

Speaker 2 you know, his face gets on fire.

Speaker 2 I'm ghost rider.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, and then,

Speaker 2 so then last night he calls me and he goes, meet me at one o'clock.

Speaker 2 We do this at three, by the way. Hey, Bob, do you think you can do this at 1 p.m.? That's what I said.
Bob, do you think you can do it tomorrow at 1 p.m.? It would help you.

Speaker 2 That's like asking a normal person,

Speaker 2 just a normal person, hey, can you get here at 4 in the morning? Normal people don't fucking sleep till 3 p.m. I'm just saying, I'm not normal.

Speaker 2 I have a different

Speaker 2 schedule.

Speaker 2 But that scale isn't correct. That's not correct.
It's like somebody saying, hey,

Speaker 2 can you show up at 7 a.m.? Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's super reasonable. 7 a.m.
Super reasonable. People do it every day to go to work.
Every single day. In fact, the mass population probably does that every day.
Yeah, but.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. Okay, tell your fucking story.
Right. So

Speaker 2 I go, why?

Speaker 2 Don't worry about it. I move for you.
That's right. I move for you.

Speaker 2 I move for you. And I go,

Speaker 2 all right, you must have something important to do. That's right.
So I get up, and it was really difficult. And you got up today, and it was hard to get up today.
It was so hard to get up.

Speaker 2 You know, I get up. Yeah.
I got a fucking, you know, Andrew has,

Speaker 2 his aunt probably has cancer and he has to go to the hospital.

Speaker 2 Or, you know, he's meeting, you know, the Russo brothers. I am meeting the Russo brothers and he's going to be in the next Avengers movie.
Something, you know, something like that. And that satisfy.

Speaker 2 Let me fifth. You're so annoying.

Speaker 2 I don't have any work coming in right now. Really? You're on Davey? It doesn't come back for a calendar year.

Speaker 3 A year.

Speaker 2 So I don't get to work for a year. Davey.
So you get to dance around. You've done two commercials, okay? You've had two auditions.

Speaker 2 And you sold a television show. So then I go, I come here and I go, what was it? At three that you had to go? Well, I'm trying to get into this country club.
Golf club. Country club.
Golf club.

Speaker 2 It's a men's club. It's a golf club.
And I go,

Speaker 2 That's why you moved? I have to go meet with the board today. That's important.
All right. So at 3 p.m.

Speaker 2 Why do you get so angry? What do you mean?

Speaker 2 You're such a fucking, you got a gaslighting dick. No, you're a dick.
You were smoking and you talked shit outside before the cameras were on. I was so calm, right?

Speaker 2 Look at the average time that most Americans wake up. Yeah.
Guess what time it doesn't have on there? P.M. No post-meridian on there.
4, 5, 6, 7, 8.

Speaker 2 You get a cut. You complain about waking up at 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
The reason why I took it. To do me a little baby favor.
I'm sorry. Juliana's sick.
Then why is she here? She sleeps, right?

Speaker 2 She sleeps. She needs 12 hours of sleep.
Why are you here if you're sick? She shouldn't be here.

Speaker 2 I'm on a daily basis, I'm on her schedule so she can get her fucking rest.

Speaker 2 Okay. Is that true, Jules? No.
You don't sleep 12 hours.

Speaker 2 I do, but.

Speaker 2 There we go. She has a condition.
We have to come to the doctor. She's growing.
She's an 18-year-old girl. She's young.
She's still growing. She needs her sleep and her rest.

Speaker 2 Her mind is still developing.

Speaker 2 You are 50.

Speaker 2 You don't, you've got, shouldn't you be young? 48. 48.
Yeah, 48 years old. I know, but you're kissing 50 right there.
Is that 50? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it's fine. I'm not criticizing you for your sleep schedule, but when I ask you to do me a small favor,

Speaker 2 can't you just do me a small favor? If people didn't know who we were and we took our, we took headshots and we we had a fucking committee, like a focus group, and said, who's older? I don't know.

Speaker 2 I don't know who would fucking win that fucking competition. That's because you were always ugly, you always looked ugly.

Speaker 2 And I got uglier as I got older, that's fine, but you were you always looked that way. That's mean, that's cruel.
It's just as cruel as the thing you just said to me, Bob.

Speaker 2 You just said, I look older than you. You said, I was 50.
You are. I know.
You're almost 50. I know.
And you know what we're gonna do for your 50th birthday? Let's go back to the country club.

Speaker 2 Let's go back to the golf club and let's go back to your house. Why are you moving out of your house?

Speaker 2 Okay, if we first of all, I was not gonna even mention this. Jules did.
So there are consequences to your behavior young lady, right?

Speaker 2 And we talked on the we talked that we would not mention this and you threw me fucking under the bus

Speaker 2 You broke the floor and now you have to move can Jules tell it can I hear her tell it instead of you because yours is gonna be

Speaker 2 What she just told it? Yeah, and she just said something that made me so angry. What did she say? She goes and it's Bobby's fault or something like that.
Was it Bobo's fault?

Speaker 2 i mean no one was there

Speaker 2 except him if it's only you at home whose fault is it then okay

Speaker 2 so what you're saying to me is this that i took the kitchen okay so

Speaker 2 we have a we have two sinks in the kitchen i know okay we have an island yes on the island next to the sink right is

Speaker 2 The lever for the fucking sink is one of those long metal things that stick out and it's very loose. Yeah.
You tap it a little bit, water sprays. Sure.

Speaker 2 What's next to the sink? The cat balls. We have three cats.
I know. Okay.
Bojo or Goonie, one of those two cats, hit the fucking lever,

Speaker 2 right? Well, I'm in the other room doing yoga. These girls are going to the beach,

Speaker 2 you know, because that's the life they live. Yeah.
Easy peasy. Easy peasy.
Easy peasy.

Speaker 2 Right? You bastard.

Speaker 2 You fucking unrealistic.

Speaker 2 Did you invite him to the beach? No, she did. No, she didn't.
I think Kalila did, but then... No, you don't.
You didn't invite me. But I think Kalila did.
Yeah, but you didn't invite me.

Speaker 2 Why didn't you say, Tito Bobby, do you want to come to the beach? Do you not care if he comes to the beach? No, I care, but I think Kalila already did. And he said no.

Speaker 2 But I think it would mean a lot to him if you invited him. Okay, next time.
Yeah. It would mean so much to me.
All right. Oh, and by the way, I wasn't going to even mention this, but

Speaker 2 you deserve it.

Speaker 2 When we were in the fucking car ride over here, we drove by a guy, right? And she goes, there he is.

Speaker 2 I go, and I wave to this guy. We're driving.

Speaker 2 And I go, who did I just wave to?

Speaker 2 It's him. Who?

Speaker 2 You would think that it was Brad Pitt. Right.

Speaker 2 Some famous guy. I would think it was George Clooney just walking down the street.
Right. She goes, Jason Nash.
You know who that is? Oh, yeah. He does.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he did sketch stuff. I'm sure he's a very nice guy and very talented.
I know who he is. Yeah.
But she acted as if it was, Jesus just came back. I wasn't that excited.
You were. Yeah, you were.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you did. Yeah, you were.
Yeah, you were. Oh, yeah, you were.
Okay. You like him, huh? Yeah, she likes him.
And then she does a slam, another slam that you did. I go, what, you like that guy?

Speaker 2 She, no, he old.

Speaker 2 I go, he's, she goes, he old as you.

Speaker 2 and I was like, you know, that was. Yeah, but she likes him because she's entertaining, she finds him entertaining.
You don't have a crush on him. No, no, no, no, no.
It's not like that.

Speaker 2 I mean,

Speaker 2 she just thinks he's funny. I have no idea.
She thinks he's funny. So anyway, I'm doing yoga

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 all of a sudden, you know, I'm in the pose.

Speaker 2 I'm doing the stretches. Yeah.
Right. All of a sudden, I see Kali running.

Speaker 2 They come home from the beach. The house is flooded.

Speaker 2 I go into the kitchen. There's like this much water, right? Wait, timeout.
Hard wooden floors. Timeout, real fast.
They were gone. You were home.
The house flooded. You didn't know.
No.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 So you had turned on the sink on accident. You went down to do yoga.

Speaker 2 Turn on the sink. I never used that fucking sink.
But neither do they. Yeah, they do.
They use that sink all the time. But they didn't use it that day before the beach.
The cat hit it, man.

Speaker 2 The cat turned it on. Yes.
So, wait, it's the spigot that goes into the sink. How would it flood? Is it plugged at the same time? No, so the so the

Speaker 2 spigot? Sure. Where the water comes out? Yeah.
I don't know if we can say that, but. What's it called? I think it's a spigot.
Okay. There's a state called spigot.

Speaker 2 It was off to the side

Speaker 2 on the counter. Like it was turned.
Does it turn? It could turn. It can turn.
Yeah. So what they're accusing me of is I went, gee, I have yoga in five minutes.
I might as well just do this.

Speaker 2 I like water. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I did not do that. Do you know I know it's the cat? You know how I know it's the cat?

Speaker 2 The woman who bought this house across the street from me, a really sweet girl, anesthesiologist, just moved in. The first week she was in the house, she has two cats.

Speaker 2 She's gone because she works long hours at the hospital for 13 hours one night. She comes home.
The entire house is flooded because a cat turned on the sink

Speaker 2 and ruined the whole thing.

Speaker 2 A week she moved in, she had to redo the whole floors and the whole entire house. Yeah.
Because all the water kept going down to the other levels. Yeah, and that's what we're worried about.

Speaker 2 So, wait, is your water seeping down to the other levels of the house? No, but the wood is getting bumpy. Oh, dude, it's warped.
Oh, that's really bad.

Speaker 2 Do you think that she should pay for it?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think you should work on it. Here's another slam that she did.
So I tell them, I swear to God, it's the cats. She doesn't believe me, this one.
What do you think happened?

Speaker 2 Let me ask what, Rudy, what do you think happened? No, I think

Speaker 2 the cats, but then he could have heard the water. Oh, she's saying you were negligent in your behavior.
She's saying you don't care. So what she's saying is, is that I'm doing the yoga pose.

Speaker 2 What position do you think you're in? Right here? Yeah, what is that? I'm upside down right now. Oh, on your head? This is the floor.
What's that called?

Speaker 2 I don't know yoga positions.

Speaker 2 What's it called? Headstand? Headstand. I'm doing a headstand.
That's what that's called? How come some of them are so elaborate, and that one's called headstand?

Speaker 2 They're downward dog. Yeah, yeah, I

Speaker 2 what's the baby one?

Speaker 2 Birthing child birth, child pose. Child pose, yeah, yeah.
What's the other one?

Speaker 2 There's an there's another really cobra, cobra. The cobra.
That's this one, right? No, not a bad one. No, that's an eagle.
That's an eagle. That doesn't look like an eagle at all.

Speaker 2 This looks more like a cobra because snakes intertwine. It looks like spinal bifida.
Yeah, they call it the spinal bifida.

Speaker 2 This is a humpback. Here's what happens.
So I tell them we're bummed. And so I guess 40 minutes later, I go, I'm gonna have some coffee.

Speaker 2 Right? What? So I so I you know, it's one of those coffees where it's a machine where you press the button. It goes

Speaker 2 little cups. Yeah, it's a Keurig.
Something like that. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I press it.

Speaker 2 And then all of a sudden, there's coffee all over the place. And I have forgot to take the cup and put it in the thing.
Oh, it just said you just thought coffee, the cup will be there.

Speaker 2 I just, I don't know. Make coffee, coffee machine.
I don't know what else. Biggity, boggity boop.
So there's now coffee everywhere. Bob.
And then she looks at me and she goes, you did the faucet.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I love you, Jules. And I go, wait,

Speaker 2 I'm on your team. It's not your fault.

Speaker 2 It's not your fault. That being said,

Speaker 2 someone has to pay for it. And that someone is you.
How much is it going to cost? Be real. Did they estimate it? It could cost anywhere between 20 grand.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 Where do you guys have to go in the meantime? You have to move into a rental? I'm trying to figure out if we can stay there.

Speaker 2 While all that work. They have to rip up all the the floors, right? Yeah, I don't know.
There's no way.

Speaker 2 This woman across the street had to go to a hotel. She couldn't, they were like, you can't be in the house.
We're ripping up all the floors. That's a disaster.
Was she bummed?

Speaker 2 You know what's so funny? It's like, she was upset, but she goes, this isn't the first time my cats have fucked something up in the house.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there was the first time in my mind I'm like, is it worth having cats? I mean, you know my opinion. I know.
I love it. You know what my dog has never done? What? It's never turned on my sink.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You know what your dog has never done? What? Hopped onto a kitchen cabinet.
Yeah, because that's insane. Why do I have an animal inside the house that acts like it's a zoo? That's true, right?

Speaker 2 I like animals that poop outside. Stay on the floor.
We should have a rule. Cats stay on the floor.
Stay on the floor. Next time you're on anything levitated.
Good luck. Good luck to you.
Good luck.

Speaker 2 You're going to go to Peru. Because in Peru, they have

Speaker 2 a cat eating festival. Do they? Yeah, where they hunt the cats, though.
So they put a cat. In the wild.
No, I don't know. They're like house cats.

Speaker 2 You put a cat in an arena and they throw like bow and arrows at it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's weird.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
I think it's in Peru, you know. I don't know how the game works.
Well, cats have different meanings all over the world, right? If you go to Egypt, cats are the most like,

Speaker 2 they're high praise, right? They're like these beautiful, ancient creatures that they give a lot of love to. But then you go to certain places, like

Speaker 2 in the Netherlands, they have shot-putting contests with cats. Do you know that? Oh, no.
They throw them as far as they can. Wow.
Because cats are going to land on their feet. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So they'll just huck them as far as they can. Those Netherland people are wild, dude.
So they spin them around.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, what do they call that when they put two cats in a bag and hang them over like a

Speaker 2 phone? Piñata? No, what they do is back in the day, you should put two cats in a bag, they throw it on like a

Speaker 2 phone wire, right?

Speaker 2 And then they just kill each other in the bag. Whoa, what is that called? Two cats in a bag.
Yeah. Do you know what that is, Jules? Have you ever seen that?

Speaker 2 There's a term, it's a famous term, but I forgot what it was.

Speaker 2 But you know what? I love cats because, you know, dogs to me.

Speaker 2 This is how to cat-proof your home. There's nothing in here.
Dogs to you. What? Go ahead, keep talking.
Dogs to me

Speaker 2 are a little too needy.

Speaker 2 In what way? I've always had cats. I prefer cats.

Speaker 2 Dogs are always like, you know,

Speaker 2 dogs are always like, where are you going? Yeah, they want to know. They're concerned.
Nah, I don't like that.

Speaker 2 Cats are like, who are you? I like that.

Speaker 2 They live in your house, and that's so disrespectful.

Speaker 2 it's like that in women right you don't want a woman that's too needy

Speaker 2 but you want you want a woman that shows you affection and love which cats do on their time that and that's what i like it's like kalila when i met kalila but kalila doesn't kalila shows you love and affection all the time no but kalila was so difficult to get What do you mean?

Speaker 2 Oh, to like get as a girlfriend? Yeah, I mean, it was, I was like, I might not be able to get this one. Yeah.
First of all, she's

Speaker 2 for what? None of us thought so.

Speaker 2 Fuck you. When I first saw Kalila, I was like, and I met her.
Not when I saw her. How about this? Take away just that she's pretty.
Yeah. When I saw that she was so cool and nice and sweet.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I was a little annoyed. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That that was your girlfriend.

Speaker 2 It bothered me.

Speaker 2 People get annoyed. People got annoyed.
Yeah. Because a good-looking girl is a good-looking girl.
There's a fucking billion of them in Los Angeles. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's very cool, and it was a little bothersome for me. Yeah.
It was annoying. Yeah.

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Speaker 2 No, you and your wife bother me. Okay.

Speaker 2 That's fine. But let me say this.

Speaker 2 She shows you love and affection

Speaker 2 and just like a dog does, right? She's concerned with where you go. But in the beginning, no.
So in the beginning, right, it was like her first thing was, I'm never going to go to L.A.

Speaker 2 She lived in Long Beach. Right.
And I go, what do you mean? Like, you have to come to me.

Speaker 2 So every day,

Speaker 2 you know how far Long Beach is. That's where I used to live down the hill.
How long was it? I mean, from LA. 45 minutes every day.
In traffic? Yeah, but an hour then in traffic. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Every day I would drive there and and back.

Speaker 2 There

Speaker 2 and back for months.

Speaker 2 How long did it take before she kissed you?

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 it took about a month.

Speaker 2 A month, no kisses? No, she would do things like

Speaker 2 spit in my face and stuff.

Speaker 2 I swear to God. Which is just as like a bit?

Speaker 2 Like a sexual. Oh, that was hot.
That was like, ooh, yeah. Yeah.
Took a while to kiss. And then eventually,

Speaker 2 because what I needed to seal the deal was her to come to LA to come to the comedy store. To see you perform.
Not only see me perform, but see, because I think she thought I was a lower-level comic.

Speaker 2 She didn't know who you were at all. She did.
I mean, outside.

Speaker 2 That's what I mean. She knew you as an actor.
Yeah, but she didn't know, right?

Speaker 2 So once I brought her to the comedy store,

Speaker 2 you have to bring a girl to the comedy store. Well, they have to, anytime you're dating someone,

Speaker 2 whether it's brand new or it's late in the relationship, you always need to let them see that you're doing well to give them some semblance of like

Speaker 2 hey, you know, I'm like, not

Speaker 2 shitting the bed. I'm actually like this.
I'm actually, that's only, and that's only because oftentimes people just go, yeah, I know, my buddy's a stand-up comedian. Oh, what is he?

Speaker 2 He does it like, I think in June, he does it like once every June, every June, maybe like once a year or twice a year. Yeah.
And then we become that same guy in their mind. Oh, you do stand-up?

Speaker 2 Oh, when do you do it? When do you do it?

Speaker 2 Every fucking waking minute of my life.

Speaker 2 Every night of my fucking life. Oh, I've never seen you.

Speaker 2 Or you're in a cafe in the Midwest, right? You're on a gig. Yep.
Right. And you're at a cafe and some guy will walk up to you and sit next to you or whatever.
Doesn't know who you are.

Speaker 2 What are you doing here? What are you doing here? And I go, oh, I'm a comic. And he goes, hey, you live in Los Angeles? And I go, yeah.
You know Frankie Rice?

Speaker 2 And I go, Frankie Rice. No, how would I know him? He does comedy as well.
Oh, I say yes. Oh, you do? Every time.
All right, let's say it. No matter who it is.
Let's do this. Okay, I'm eating.

Speaker 2 We're in Ohio. We're in Ohio.
I'm just eating soup at a little restaurant by myself. Hey, my red-headed friend.
Hey, how are you? Hey, my name is Bill. What's your name? I'm Andrew.
Oh, hello.

Speaker 2 Hello, Andrew. Wow,

Speaker 2 what a great weather today, huh? It is, it is, yeah. Oh, yes.
I haven't seen you. I come to this coffee shop a lot.
I haven't seen you around.

Speaker 2 I don't live here. Where do you live? Can I get the check?

Speaker 2 I live in Southern California. Oh.
Yeah. Oh, I've never been to California.
I've never ever left the state. Well, you should go.
Oh, well, you should go because it's a great place. What do you do?

Speaker 2 What do you do for living there?

Speaker 2 I'm going to pay for his stuff as well. Thank you.
Thank you. What do you do, Andy?

Speaker 2 I'm actually in town doing stand-up.

Speaker 2 Will you do stand-up? Wow. Yeah, I'm at the club here.
I'm just in the club right at the store. You must know Deborah Nickelback.
Oh, yes.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 I do. Do you know Deborah Nickelback? Do you keep in touch with her? Well, she died.
She did die.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she died. Oh, God.
Yeah. But she did stand-up comedy as well.
Right. I remember her.
She was great. She was very good.

Speaker 2 In fact, she was so good that that's somebody that I looked up to for a long time. I took no, that's someone I love.
Yeah. I love her.
And for an African-American woman to do stand-up.

Speaker 2 Thank you very much. Stand-up in the

Speaker 2 African-American. She was white.
She was white, but she was always tan.

Speaker 2 I do that. Let's say I have to lie my way through.

Speaker 2 But when someone does that, there's no advantage of,

Speaker 2 you have to just go for it. You got to go.
I just go, yes, I think I've heard of him. Yeah.
Because if you say no, then they're going to go, huh?

Speaker 2 You know Bryce Mickelson? No. Huh.

Speaker 2 You know Adam Chetlahan?

Speaker 2 No. Yeah.
Huh. And they just keep digging to think, and then they'll just shoot for the moon.
Then they'll do a big name that they know you don't know. I do.

Speaker 2 You do me now. Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, just a table for one. And

Speaker 2 are you Bob? Are you Bobby Lee? No, you're supposed to not know who I am. Oh, fuck.

Speaker 2 The same scenario you were. Oh, yeah, sorry.

Speaker 2 What the fuck are you doing? I haven't acted in a long time. Go ahead.
Hold on. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'll just take a booth here, and that's fine.

Speaker 2 Hey, man.

Speaker 2 I've never seen you here.

Speaker 2 Oh, hi. Hey.

Speaker 2 Are you new in town? I'm not sure. I'll be real.

Speaker 2 No, hold on.

Speaker 2 I always open like that. Yeah, I always open like at all.
No, no, no. Hey, man.
How are you? Good. Good, man.
Good, good. Good.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's crazy out there today. Isn't that nuts that car accident happened on 998? Yeah, I didn't.
Yeah. You didn't read about it this morning? Did you watch the morning news? No, man.

Speaker 2 With Kennen Carrie? I'm not from around here. Oh, you're not from.
You're not a Loki? I'm not a Loki. Oh, where are you from? Oh, I'm from, I live in Los Angeles.
what

Speaker 2 yeah the biggest city captain what goes on over there huh

Speaker 2 you must be a hollywood guy cocaine nights my friend really yeah no i'm kidding are you a hollywood guy no no i'm just i i'm just a working i just do stand-up

Speaker 2 shut up yeah you're a stand-up comic yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah really

Speaker 2 where are you performing are you in town performing yeah where at the club right up here at the street yeah the chucklefuck factory son of a gun yeah son of a gun yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah what do those what do those tickets cost?

Speaker 2 Maybe me and my me and my wife will go.

Speaker 2 Sold out. It's sold out? It's sold out, yeah.
Wow. Well, they must have given away a bunch of tickets or something.
That's wild. I didn't even know.

Speaker 2 They didn't even tell me that they were selling them. I don't do comps.
What does that mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I don't, you know, I have, because I'm a special act that I don't have. Oh, you're a handicapped guy.
No. And I was going to say that when I saw you and I walked up.

Speaker 2 You fucking snuggle.

Speaker 2 No, but honestly, yeah, no, I didn't know. So you do comedy.

Speaker 2 You know, I know some guys that moved out there to do comedy. Yeah.
And they're doing really well. They're doing very well.
I want to know. Hold on for a second.
Let me get my notebook and pen. Okay.

Speaker 2 So I can write it down. Well, just some guys that I grew up with.
Go ahead. Tell me the names, please.
I'm very eager to hear it. Well, Sarah Silverman, Patton Oswald.

Speaker 2 Now, if that happened. If he starts naming names at you, you'll be like, yeah.

Speaker 2 I know them.

Speaker 2 I actually have had a guy tell, I had an Uber driver name someone that we did know.

Speaker 2 I was in

Speaker 2 Jersey. I was somewhere on the East Coast.
Oh, no, I was doing, yeah, I was doing Stress Factory in Jersey. And he goes, where are you going? I said, I'm going to do this comedy club.

Speaker 2 And he goes, oh, cool. I know a comic guy there

Speaker 2 in New York. I said, oh, yeah, you know, New York guys? I'm an LA guy.
He goes, oh, cool. Yeah.
Do you know

Speaker 2 so-and-so? So-and-so? No. No, I don't know who that is.
Yeah, sorry. No, no, but I know a lot of them.
And then he's like, you know Mark Normand? I was like, yeah, do you know Mark?

Speaker 2 He's like, yeah, I know him well.

Speaker 2 as a friend. I was like, Oh, it like, and then it shook me.
I didn't, I was like, Oh,

Speaker 2 right, right. Okay, uh, and then it kind of became like,

Speaker 2 Well, what do you want to talk about then? Like, right, because I, you make this barrier of like, you know, I know, I know he's not gonna know, and we're not gonna, it's just gonna be weird.

Speaker 2 But then we started chatting about comedy, and I was like, Oh, okay, cool.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, I can only get there with people that are either podcast friends, sure, I can't do it with people that are like fans of mine from other, you know, mediums, mediums, I guess.

Speaker 2 Like

Speaker 2 MAC TV or whatever. It doesn't feel like there's they know me.
Yeah. Right.
But with podcasting, they know me. Or I can talk to people that are in

Speaker 2 a twelve step group. Like I've been on the road where

Speaker 2 some I'll be in the bathroom somewhere at a restaurant or something and then I'll hear two guys talk about the book

Speaker 2 and then I'll go, Oh, I'm a friend of Bill W.

Speaker 2 All right. Right.
And then they'll go,

Speaker 2 and it always changes, you know, I mean, the relationship almost as if we're instant, kind of a part of the club.

Speaker 2 You're akin to one another because

Speaker 2 then, you know, they're just a, you know, we speak the same language, I guess. So I like that.

Speaker 2 You know, that's so funny that there's this unspoken bond that addicts have in the same way that comic, no matter where you are, you just meet a comic, you're like, oh, okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 If they're working comic, you right away are like, oh, dude, we have this thing.

Speaker 2 I talked to Brad Garrett on my show, and, you know, I had said that Brad's anniversary was coming up and Richard Lewis's anniversary just happened for 26 years of sobriety.

Speaker 2 And I was asking how, like, his generation bonds over that over the years, because obviously, all the people that got sober in his generation stayed alive.

Speaker 2 A lot of guys that didn't in that generation are fucking dead, which is crazy because in our generation, we didn't lose a lot of guys.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because I think it's not as

Speaker 2 they lost a lot of guys together. Because back in the day, it was like something that people enabled each other to do.
It was part of the business.

Speaker 2 But now it's like when you're a full-blown drug addict, you can't even get into the clubs, really. Well, they don't want to do it anymore.

Speaker 2 It's difficult to survive because it's just like, it's just a completely different game. Whereas before, like, I saw a documentary where Richard Pryor was on a movie set.

Speaker 2 Hi.

Speaker 2 Not only high, he was smoking crack on set. You know what I mean? And the PA is like,

Speaker 2 Richard, we need you on set. Yeah.
He's like,

Speaker 2 hold on, baby.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, sorry, he's smoking crack in the trailer.
It was sort of enabled or, you know.

Speaker 2 Well, it was almost because they were such, you know, they were such big stars that were drug addicts, people like Pryor or Farley,

Speaker 2 that it was like, fuck, we need them because they're so valuable. Yeah.
That what are they going to do? They're going to tell them no, and then they're going to tell them to go fuck themselves. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then they're like,

Speaker 2 that's the problem is there's no balance to that because you're not going to be able to tell an addict to stop when they're in the middle of it, especially if they're...

Speaker 2 It's like when someone tries to say to Trump that he can't do something, and he's like, I already did it, and I'm the best. Yeah.
Tell the guy that won presidency that he did, he can't do anything.

Speaker 2 And you're like, really? Because I did the thing. So that's the same idea.
If you're an addict, you're like, I'm fucking killing it. Who's to say that I'm not doing it right?

Speaker 2 So it's hard to communicate that to them. But also, that kind of behavior, though, isn't like tolerated anymore.
Like, for instance, well, no, times have changed. Like in that movie, Island of Dr.

Speaker 2 Moreau with Marlon Brando and Val Kilmer,

Speaker 2 one day they just completely shut down production

Speaker 2 because

Speaker 2 Val Kilmer refused to go on set if Marlon Brando didn't get there first, and Marlon Brando refused to go on set if Val Kilmer didn't get there first.

Speaker 2 So they just shut down the fucking day. In this day and age,

Speaker 2 yeah, the network would come down, the studio would come down and go, all right,

Speaker 2 Josh Brolin and Brad Pitt are coming in, get the fuck out. Right.
You know what I mean? They just wouldn't tolerate it. No, it would be a, you get wiped clean.

Speaker 2 Somebody wrote an article that I thought was very funny. I don't know if it was like an onion thing or something, but they said, facts you don't know about celebrities.
And it's got to be a bit.

Speaker 2 But it said, Ben Affleck refused to shoot for six days on G Lee because they made him wear a Yankees hat.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. But like, that would be the level of

Speaker 2 you can't do that shit anymore. I don't know.
I just think that like, well, you know what? Like, here's what's changing in the business, genuinely.

Speaker 2 When you told me about selling the show, and I was genuinely happy for you, and I said, What's it about? And you said, It's about a Korean spa

Speaker 2 in South Los Angeles, correct? In Korea town, in Koreatown. Yeah.
Oh, I thought it was in South South Angels. No, it was in Korea.

Speaker 2 And I thought, that's great. And I said, Who you did it? Who'd you do it with? And we don't have to say his name if you don't want to.
Peter.

Speaker 2 Okay. Peter.

Speaker 2 And I said, Who's Peter? I don't know Peter. And you said, He is a

Speaker 2 what'd you say? You said he's Korean,

Speaker 2 a fat Korean, a fat Korean. Gay guy.
Gay guy. And I said, perfect.
Why?

Speaker 2 Because that's who you need to write that show.

Speaker 2 Because if you said to me, I'm going in there with,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 Dan Greenfield, I'd be like, well,

Speaker 2 get someone Korean to write the fucking Korean show. It's funny that you say that.
And I don't like, you know, really talking about stuff that really isn't real yet.

Speaker 2 Because if selling a show isn't real to me, well, then we can, we don't have to do it. No, but no, it's fine.
I like to talk about it because I think it's important. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think it's fucking important. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But there is something about going in because I've pitched shows with you know older white or you know and famous famous famous showrunners and it just doesn't work.

Speaker 2 There's something about going in with a kid who's you know young, gay,

Speaker 2 Asian, and in this climate, it's almost as if once he does his thing in the pitch, what's his thing? He just does this. I mean,

Speaker 2 so he does this thing.

Speaker 2 What are you like? He just blow one of the executives?

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. He's like, so here's the show.

Speaker 2 He just kind of turns it up. Yeah, he gays it up.
Is that what you're trying to say? No, I'm not saying that. You just did.
I didn't. I'm just saying

Speaker 2 that he does a thing. Sure.
And once he does that, right, it's like, oh, we're going to see that.

Speaker 2 Are you gay on the show? No. Is there a gay character on the show? He's gay.
On the show? Yeah. Okay, great.
Right.

Speaker 2 And I called you on the phone and I said, is there a white, angry, red-headed guy who maybe works in the shop next door? What's great about the show is that

Speaker 2 because it's...

Speaker 2 Is there landlord a white, angry, red-headed guy? No. Oh, the guy that, oh, the guy that...

Speaker 2 We have a part in the show, right?

Speaker 2 That you could play.

Speaker 2 And he, you're, because what I love about pitching a show like a Korean spa is that you, because we we have patrons that come in or regulars. It's like cheers.
Yeah, where everybody knows your balls.

Speaker 2 Everyone knows everybody. Everybody knows your balls.
And in Korean spas, if you haven't been to a Korean spa, it's like, you know, you'll see, you know, everyone goes there. Hispanics, black people.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, it's very multicultural. It's very multicultural.
But it's

Speaker 2 70% Korean dudes, older Korean dudes, right? Yeah, it's mostly Korean guys in their 80s, which is wild. I love it.
I love it. It's wild.

Speaker 2 But there is a character in my show that he's a limo driver, like a limo driver. I'm a limo driver.
Yeah. Okay.
And so you're always in the steam room at night. Love it.

Speaker 2 But you're always with other celebrities. Love it.
Because you're a limo driver for celebrities. Before they take them home, I say, Do you want to go to a show?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. I love it.
And you're always complaining about things. And sitting next to you is always like, you know, a big guy.
But they don't say anything. A famous guy.

Speaker 2 So hopefully one day if the show goes, right? Yeah. We could have like somebody, you're just going on these rants.
I love it. And you're next to like, you know,

Speaker 2 whoever I might be. Tom Cruise.
Tom Cruise. Ooh, Tom Cruise.

Speaker 2 Love to be in a spa with Tom Cruise. Yeah.
And you know what else you could do? Because every time I used to go to the old,

Speaker 2 when I lived near mid-city, I would go to the old, the Korean spa that's connected to the driving range on Wilshire. Ah.
You know, it's a driving range, and then the Korean spa's in.

Speaker 2 So that I could be, I could work in the driving range.

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Speaker 2 Rules and restrictions apply. My Korean spa is called Hyundai Spa.
I'm going to tell you why, because I don't want people to flood there. Like the car company?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think, yeah, it's spelled the same. Hyundai's own.
Do they own them? No. Because they own a lot of stuff.
Well, my spa is in an alleyway. There's no sign, really.
Oh, so it's not a nice spa?

Speaker 2 No. Okay.
And it's been there forever. And

Speaker 2 it's 24 hours. Of course.
Why would you shut it? You walk in. There's an old Korean lady there.
You pay 20 bucks, $15.

Speaker 2 And you walk in, and it says, Hyundai Spa, we do your taxes.

Speaker 2 Shut up. I'm not fucking kidding you.
We do your taxes.

Speaker 2 They do taxes, barbershop, all right ping pong arena love that right they do um all kinds of stuff and wait wait a minute wait what is taxes is it says way out there i know but it says it barbershop ping pong is like athletic get it cleaned up but taxes like han the guy because there's this guy named han he's a korean man he's like 70 year old year old man

Speaker 2 and this guy han right

Speaker 2 He only goes at two in the morning. It's his own spa.
So he also used to have a headshot of me when I was, because I've been going there for years since Mad TV days. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He used to have a Mad TV, you know what I mean? Headshot of me. And when you would walk into the lobby, it would just be a headshot of me framed, right?

Speaker 2 It was just one of those, you know. Did you sign it? Yeah, I signed it, right?

Speaker 2 And then when my career started just depleting, because after Mad TV, there was like an eight-year gap where I didn't do anything. I know, I remember.
He just took it off.

Speaker 2 He completely took it off. And so now there's like a dust, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Just an outline of the outline of one of those changes to me he didn't feel it right so whenever i walk in there and they're just this dust ring what about no he wouldn't put back up no you're killing it there's no way that's so mean it's so mean con put the picture back up but this dude right um at two in the morning and ask my brother or ask polly polly short because i brought polly short that was the biggest regret why

Speaker 2 bro

Speaker 2 so polly's always there right and i try to see if his car is in the parking lot because if it is i won't go in because you don't want to talk no I'll tell you what he does.

Speaker 2 As I walk in, and if he's there, he'll be completely naked with two Korean men. He was touching them,

Speaker 2 right? And he goes, Chinese people

Speaker 2 are the most beautiful people in the world.

Speaker 2 And he sings that out loud. But he's right.
I know, but then, and then we'll be in the steam room and he'll go, Chinese people. Does he not know it's a Korean spa? He doesn't care.

Speaker 2 Do you think he knows where Korea is compared to just China? He does. He does.
But, you know, Pauli has always been, he was raised with Asians.

Speaker 2 Because I don't know if you know this, but the comedy store staff

Speaker 2 used to be Thai. Well, yeah.
I mean, what's his name? He has a Thai food restaurant down in Santa Monica. Right.
Yeah. So it used to be Thai, so he was kind of raised by them.

Speaker 2 So he has this weird, like, affinity for that. For Asians.
But Thai is much different than Korean.

Speaker 2 He doesn't see the difference. Well, that's good.
That's good. I don't see color.
Yeah. I see Asians.
So when Pauli's there, I just, it just, there's a sense of dread. But I get that way.

Speaker 2 Do you, don't you get that way about a lot of things when you see, when I've avoided going into places that I see when I see someone I know, just because I'm like, I just can't. I can't do it.

Speaker 2 I was going to go. I was going to go get one of my favorite Mexican restaurants right here near the house.

Speaker 2 And as I'm getting out of my car, I see someone waiting for a pickup order that we know.

Speaker 2 And I just didn't want to talk. Yeah.
And I just got in my car and I left because I was like, I don't feel like chatting.

Speaker 2 I love seeing somebody I don't want to talk to first.

Speaker 2 Because once they see you, it's like Warzone. Once they see you, you're dead.
You're dead. Right? You got to see them first.
It's that moment of, oh, no.

Speaker 2 Right. And then you're in the Google.
So then when I see them, right, I go, I just, I can do a route or I do what Michael McDonald always taught. Always have your phone.
Yeah, get on your phone.

Speaker 2 On your hand. When you're in public, always have your phone so that when he sees someone beeline towards you, you're talking to...
And it's got to be something crazy. What do you mean, dad's dead?

Speaker 2 Yes, I'm coming home now. Yeah, that's like one of those.
Yeah, you have to have some kind of emergency. Back to Han, though, at two in the morning, what he does.
Yeah, I have people that back him.

Speaker 2 If you walk in the steam room, Han, this 70-year-old Korean dude who owns the whole thing, right?

Speaker 2 Is he in good shape? Yeah, he's ripped. He loves it.
These old Korean dudes are ripped all the time. He puts his hands behind his back like this,

Speaker 2 and he never sits. He's standing in the middle of the spot in the steam room.
So standing like this, right? Yeah. And he makes these noises.
Oh, yeah. Hood is.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? What is it? What? I don't know. Ab workout? His dick is this big.
Oh, he's a heavy hitter. Yeah, he's got a big old Louisville slug.
I know this guy. I know this guy.

Speaker 2 And he's just standing there. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Is it moving? Like an elephant tusk? It's just, yeah. It's just moving.
When he goes, oyo. Yeah, but it's always mid-hard.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You know, it's because he's up here.

Speaker 2 He's a thinker. He's a thinker.
he's a thinker, right?

Speaker 2 And you, once you walk, you can't just go, excuse me, and close it like someone's taking a shit or something. No, you just have to go, so you have to go, I gotta go in, right?

Speaker 2 Do you have to like pay homage to the peanut? Do you have to like tug on it and go? No, he always, he always, and I hate it because he always says hi to me. He goes, Oh,

Speaker 2 there he is,

Speaker 2 comedy, comedy, there he is,

Speaker 2 oh, right. And I go, hi, how are you? It's good to see you.
And he goes back,

Speaker 2 and he does his thing, you know what I mean? It's fucking so weird. He's going to live forever, by the way.
He probably will. Yeah, that's one of those guys.
I think, but be honest with me.

Speaker 2 Are you ever concerned with the sanitary

Speaker 2 sanitization of that place? Well, I think, you know, because you know I have gang, like gangrene. I have massive foot fungi.
I think gangrene is, what's gangrene?

Speaker 2 Gangrene's where it's going to fall off. Yeah.
No, you have fungus infection. You have an infection.
And I got up from the spa. Of course.
Yeah. Yeah, of course.

Speaker 2 And I think that because of this COVID thing, it's a cesspool for.

Speaker 2 Do you walk around without flip-flops? Not only that, I walk around free, baby. But wait a minute.
I'm okay with the nudity, but you don't wear flip-flops on your feet? What does free mean, baby?

Speaker 2 Bro, I'm walking. If I go there, I'm walking with AquaSocks.
You know,

Speaker 2 those white guy AquaSox. Yeah.
I just don't like that about public gyms is my biggest beef. But it's, you know, I brought Ian Edwards there once.

Speaker 2 That's hilarious.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I said,

Speaker 2 you got to be completely naked. He said, nah, nah.
No. I don't do that, son.
I don't do that. I don't do that, son.
So then we're like, I'm getting naked. I go in to

Speaker 2 inside the steam room and Eno Edwards walks in and he's wearing and number one. A bathing suit.
No. Yellow basketball shorts.
Like Lakers. Lakers.
Lakers. And I go, where'd you find it?

Speaker 2 He goes, I found it in the lobby. What, he just took someone else's shorts? Yeah, because he didn't know what to do.
Right. Because he doesn't want to be naked.

Speaker 2 Why do you think it is? Just not his thing? It's just not his his thing. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's not his thing. There are some guys that aren't comfortable with it.
It's not his thing. Who else have I brought there? I brought Jay Davis there, Steve Byrne, people like that.

Speaker 2 I like Steve Byrne a lot. Yeah.
He's a good egg. He's a good dude.
He's one of those guys that I think

Speaker 2 has always made me laugh. And

Speaker 2 I wish nothing but the best for someone like that. Honestly.
Are you being honest? Yeah, because I really like... He's never been...
He's always been positive and always been funny.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's a nice guy. It's like a weird loophole in our business where you're like, like, he's funny and he's very sweet.
Yeah, he really is a sweet. So why not? I wonder why he's not well, I mean,

Speaker 2 more. Do you know how I met him?

Speaker 2 This is even sweeter. When you guys were on tour, right? Didn't you? No.
No. So I'm in L.A.
I'm broke. Like, I'm dirt broke.
Right. And I lived in a

Speaker 2 one-bedroom apartment in Silver Lake with 11 guys.

Speaker 2 What? Yeah, I lived. Are you a fucking migrant worker? And they used to call it the dumpster.
Yeah, sounds like it. Yeah, yeah.
And it was like we had a,

Speaker 2 I'm not kidding you, a 50-year-old guy named Dave, homeless guy, live there.

Speaker 2 We had a

Speaker 2 17-year-old runaway from Beverly Hills, a girl. A rich kid, though.
A meth head, though. Yeah.
Yeah, but she could go she'll go back to the house. And she was able to stay there.

Speaker 2 I can't say her name, but she was able to stay there because she cleaned the house. Well, because she was on meth all the time.
Yeah, she would take a toothbrush at five in the morning, you heard her

Speaker 2 and she was just cleaning the fucking living room. Yeah.
Or the, you know, whatever, the living space. A responsible method is kind of cool, though.
My brother, Steve, lived in my closet.

Speaker 2 Like just on the floor? Yeah. Where did you keep any of your stuff? Did you have clothes? No clothes.

Speaker 2 Just a pile. We would share, community.
Grab it. But so we were living there, and but for some reason, I did the tonight show.

Speaker 2 Jay Little.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah. Wow.
So I took a bus there to Burbank. To the Tonight Show?

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 And so I was just, and this is right when phones came out. Cell phone.
Like the Nokia, like

Speaker 2 with Snake? Yeah, with Snake. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I get a call, and it's this Steve Byrne. I don't know him.

Speaker 2 And he goes, hey, man,

Speaker 2 I'm Steve Byrne. I'm a comic.
I go, what?

Speaker 2 And he goes, I live in New York. I'm just grinding it out.
I go, yeah. He goes, oh, by the way, the reason I got

Speaker 2 your number number from Barry Katz.

Speaker 2 And he goes, I saw your tonight show, man.

Speaker 2 Really inspiring. Oh, wow.
And I was just like, wow.

Speaker 2 Because

Speaker 2 no one ever has said good job on that. Well, comics don't, it's hard for comics to do that.
No one says good job. Right.
Right. Unless you're best friends.
So for him to do that was so fucking kind.

Speaker 2 It was very important to me. at the time.
And then when he moved up here, moved to LA, we just became very good friends.

Speaker 2 There's only a few times, small moments like that when comics do stuff, you know, they mean it because they don't have to say it. Unless they're your friends.
Yeah. Look,

Speaker 2 one of the most meaningful moments in my career was, you know,

Speaker 2 Bill Burr tweeted at me

Speaker 2 after I put out my special on Showtime in 2017, and I didn't love it. I was kind of bummed about it.
I think I rushed into it. Whatever.
But he said something so nice in the tweet.

Speaker 2 And I texted him to thank him. And I was sitting on my patio, and I got emotional because it meant a lot to me.
He didn't didn't need to say anything.

Speaker 2 Publicly, he could have been like, hey, man, good stuff. But it was just him doing that out loud for other people to hear.
It just meant a lot to me. Yeah, he's a guy with real strong ethics.

Speaker 2 Well, he wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it. Yeah,

Speaker 2 yeah. No, no, he's just not one of those kind of guys.
Like, I,

Speaker 2 you know, when I'm around,

Speaker 2 and because I like people that are flawed

Speaker 2 and aren't ethical. Right.
Right.

Speaker 2 People that have issues. Yeah, like you.
And like you. Exactly.
That's where we're two peas in a pot, baby. Two peas in a pot.
Do you think we're peas? Whatever. But with Bill.

Speaker 2 You're like a water chestnut.

Speaker 2 And I'm like a baby carrot. Yeah, you always just like.
But with Bill, what? Sorry.

Speaker 2 My mind wanders.

Speaker 2 With Bill, with Bill.

Speaker 2 Because he has such strong ethics and stuff, I can't, he'll see through my bullshit. He sees through everybody's bullshit.
Right, so then I have to be at my full supreme bobby mode. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I don't like it. Well, you're, you, you, I've seen you when you've got your P's and Q's together when you're trying to be like, um,

Speaker 2 you know, a good boy. Yeah.
And like focused. It's not who you are.
It's not who I am. It's phony baloney.
Yeah. And I think he sees through it.

Speaker 2 So one time, you know, Sebastian had some sort of like pizza party.

Speaker 2 He's got an own, does he have his own pizza oven? One of those? Yeah. Yeah.
No, he has Italians there, like real chefs. He bought a couple of Italians, I heard.
Yeah. He paid for them online for

Speaker 2 his house is.

Speaker 2 She's been there. She's been there.
I know. I see his online.
He posts every other week. It's a new area of his home.
That's crazy.

Speaker 2 You know, I'll never own a home like that. Who will? No way.
I mean, you would be able to afford one. I never could.

Speaker 2 In my mind, I'm so scared of that kind of stuff. Because it scares me.

Speaker 2 I don't want to be like Ed McMahon. You know who Ed McMahon is?

Speaker 2 Shut up. You know who Ed McMahon was? Yeah, he was Johnny Carson's psychic.
Right.

Speaker 2 Don't Don't talk to me like that. Like, I don't know who

Speaker 2 I'm a part of comedy. I know, but sometimes I sometimes I think.
Shut up. Sometimes I think he might not know.
Yeah. Sometimes I think he might not know.

Speaker 2 Ed McMahon at the end of his career, truth be told, couldn't afford his house. They put a lien on his house.
Oh, really? Yeah, but that's my point.

Speaker 2 I think sometimes when you buy stuff that's so much,

Speaker 2 that's my fear. Obviously, Sebastian's fine, but you'd think Ed McMahon would be fine.
So why did they have to lien his house? Why did they have seized his house? He just wasn't paying his mortgage?

Speaker 2 And then when he was dying, it was like, we're going to have to take it back. The bank's going to take back your house.
Yeah, but if he's dying, why would he give a fuck?

Speaker 2 Because then all your finances for your children and your children's children are fucked. Oh, that's true.
Then you fuck them over. Then they have to pay for all your debt.

Speaker 2 That's my biggest fear is leaving debt for other people. Back to Sebastian, though.
Oh, sorry. My bad.
Sorry. Big house.
Sorry. Yeah.
It's so hard to keep track with you sometimes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm like a tree. I know, because we go this way and I go this way.
And then in my head, I have to go, I have to still keep this as a thing because I was starting this story.

Speaker 2 But the road less traveled. I'm going to meet you there at the end.
We're going to get there. I just want to to go to the I want to I want to get leaves all the time.

Speaker 2 This is a really good mental exercise for me though. That's what this is.
So thank you. Yeah.
Yeah. It really is.

Speaker 2 Being with you here is such a big mental exercise for me. But that's a good thing.
Because, you know, not only am I talking, but there are sense, there's a sense of rage that happens inside me. Same.

Speaker 2 I can see it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do like when we got into a fight outside before the show started? It was crazy.

Speaker 2 You screamed at me. I did.
You know why? Why? Because you belittled, belittled what I wanted in my life. It's belittling.
You were belittling me.

Speaker 2 It's a belittling thing. You belittled me.
And you did that to yourself. You belittled me after I went and got you coffee, cigarettes, and Red Bull.
And I said, after I went and got you coffee,

Speaker 2 cigarettes, and Red Bull. I had to cancel it.
Have you ever bought anything for me like that? Have you ever gone to the store and bought me something that I... If I could text you and say, Bob,

Speaker 2 would you bring me...

Speaker 2 Would you bring me Diet Coke and coffee?

Speaker 2 I asked you to fucking bring me this because I'm not allowed to go to 7-Eleven or go anywhere. Whose problem is that? Because if I went to 7-Eleven with with her, right, to get cigarettes, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah. She would have told on me.
Stop being a snitch.

Speaker 2 Stop snitching. Because then I have to do his dirty work.
So I'm asking for a fucking favor. Please.
Come and include please in the text.

Speaker 2 Kitchen a show to Fox yesterday is not the same as going to the boardroom of some country club to get in. Golf club.

Speaker 2 It's a golf club.

Speaker 2 They're not the same thing. But it doesn't matter.
It's my priority and your priority. I respected yours.
You respect mine. All right, so the next thing I'm going to do is

Speaker 2 cancel. I will move move for something ridiculous.
Like, oh, you know what I mean? I'm shaving my legs.

Speaker 2 Today's leg shaving. It is important to me.
And you know what I would say? Yeah. If it's important to you, I'm down.
All right, good. But you have to film it.
No. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The film your fucking board committee told me. I will.
It's a club. It's not a golf club.
It's a country club. No, it's not a country club.
That's what they call it. No, it's a men's club.

Speaker 2 It's not a country club. Right?

Speaker 2 It's like saying, is that a car? No, it's a sedan. It's still a fucking car.
No, not true. These are two separate things.
Country clubs are for like families. This is just a golf club.
It's for golf.

Speaker 2 It's for men. It's a men's club.
It's a men's club. There we go.
That's even worse. Why? Do women go to the Korean spa that you go to, Bob? Yes.
There's a women's visa.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's a women's place, too. So they can't go with you in all the rooms.

Speaker 2 No, okay. So shut up.
It's the same thing.

Speaker 2 Interesting. Can you please say thank you.
Thank you for getting you coffee and cigarettes and Red Bull. Oh, my God.
It'll be my,

Speaker 2 I will never. Because you didn't say thank you.
I will never say it. Why? you didn't say why

Speaker 2 because you just said get me this stuff and you didn't even say thank you to me I'll tell you why why

Speaker 2 because

Speaker 2 the day I met you let me just finish without you interrupting okay I'll put the mic away okay

Speaker 2 there are just certain things when you meet certain people

Speaker 2 You know, I believe in an afterlife. I believe that people, we have other lives, right? And when I met you, it was almost my soul knew your soul and said, you know what?

Speaker 2 I've known this guy before in past lives. And we're

Speaker 2 intricately entwined, our destinies, right? And there's almost

Speaker 2 a love that you can't describe or you can't really even look up in a dictionary. It really is

Speaker 2 something that is undis,

Speaker 2 there's no words to, you know, to describe it. And

Speaker 2 when I met you, and I've done this with a lot of comics where I meet them and I go, you know what? We've known each other before. So there's just unsaid things, you know.
And so

Speaker 2 when I ask you, because I'm in trouble, right? And you do that for me, I don't really find the need to thank you for it because I would do the same.

Speaker 2 And we're beyond that kind of language. I would thank you.

Speaker 2 I would absolutely thank you.

Speaker 2 Such a dick. I'm not, I refuse.
That's fine. Yeah, I refuse.

Speaker 2 So can you finish your Sebastian about his big house that you live in? Oh, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 2 So I saw Bill there with

Speaker 2 his wife with his baby. The best.
And I have a plate full of pizza. And I walk by.
I know they locked eyes with me. So I just kind of,

Speaker 2 I gotta go.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 So I sit there and I go, what's your baby's name? Uh-oh. You know what I mean? And he says it.
And he goes,

Speaker 2 how's the company going? And he's like, hey, man, what are you doing? Yeah, what are you doing? Yeah, that's what he said. Yeah.
What are you doing? I go, I don't know, man. I just get nervous.

Speaker 2 He does.

Speaker 2 He goes, I know. You're doing a great job on the podcast.
Thanks for being a part of our company. That's nice.
Yeah, yeah. That's very nice.
Yeah. I get really nervous around him.

Speaker 2 Him, Rogan, I get nervous. Papas, yeah, the big papas.
Yeah, yeah. He called me the other day.
He's, they're prepared to leave. He's ready to move.
Yeah, I know. They move at at the end of the month.

Speaker 2 Joe is? Joe's gone. Where? To Austin.
Yeah. They're gone.
He's ready to rock. He called me last night and we talked for a while.

Speaker 2 And it was just wild. It's wild that he's gone.
He's leaving. He's like,

Speaker 2 he's ready to go. A new chapter in his life.
You know, there's

Speaker 2 three other comics that called me, and they're selling their houses.

Speaker 2 They're leaving.

Speaker 2 Let me guess. Paula Poundstone.
I'm not allowed to say that. Margaret Cho.
Not allowed to say.

Speaker 2 But there's a bunch of guys leaving. People are gone.
People are leaving. Because they don't like the stringent

Speaker 2 rules. They don't like LA anymore.
I think that they don't like the liberal vibes.

Speaker 2 Oh, so

Speaker 2 they want more freedoms. I'll just say that.

Speaker 2 Sure, yeah.

Speaker 2 One of them is like he was saying, I want to move because of my kids, you know, the school system and this and that. But I know what his ideology is.

Speaker 2 But I have heard that, that people are, because L-A-U-S-D is tough. Yeah.
It's tough. It's tough.
I mean, you know, like I went to public school as a kid.

Speaker 2 Did you go to public school or do you go to private school? Public. And, you know, I don't think they were the best in Chicago, but they were fine.
Yeah, they were fine.

Speaker 2 So I don't know if it's like that up here anymore. Because you went to public NSD.

Speaker 2 I went to a really good school district, Hawaii High, I went to. We've talked about it before.
Yeah, you're in the Hall of Fame? I'm not.

Speaker 2 But, you know, it's probably the darkest time of my life, high school, public school. Yeah, I have no good, I have a couple of good memories, but generally, it was a lot of like

Speaker 2 dick sucking and drugs.

Speaker 2 I'll just say that. Thank you for being

Speaker 2 high school wasn't totally black for you. There were moments where it was kind of nice, right?

Speaker 2 Well, I went to three rehabs in high school. Cool, yeah.
I um

Speaker 2 didn't have a a girlfriend.

Speaker 2 Didn't make love to anybody.

Speaker 2 I tried to be friends with the popular people. But you didn't get kicked out of school.
That's nice. I did.

Speaker 2 But then you got to graduate. Because every time I would go get kicked out, I would always go through a rehab.

Speaker 2 And then, you know, through the rehab, I would be able to get back into school saying that I'm sober, but then I would relapse.

Speaker 2 It was like one of those things.

Speaker 2 But, you know, when I I was 17 is when I got sober, and it was my junior year in high school.

Speaker 2 And I think from junior year when I got sober until I graduated, it was pretty bright, I guess, because, you know, my senior year, I was completely sober. I was going to A meetings.

Speaker 2 I was like very active. You feel so much better when you're clean, huh? I just, I'm not good in a drug run.

Speaker 2 In a binge. Because I go hard.
In a binge.

Speaker 2 I go hard, dude. Right.
I go hard and I'm blind to it all and I don't give a fuck. What What do you think my drug would be if I was going to get into drugs and slip away? You're like a whiskey guy.

Speaker 2 I think an alcoholic. Well, that does happen.
Yeah, that happens to me sometimes. You just have an alcohol temperament.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 I don't see you as a meth guy. No.
Yeah, I don't see you as a pothead.

Speaker 2 Do you smoke pot? I did for years, and I don't think I do anymore. I've talked about that.
Have your wife smoke pot? No, no, no. I mean, it's just not.

Speaker 2 I smoked pot for a long time. I smoked pot since I was 15.
And for high school, I smoked all the time, almost every day. College, I smoked constantly.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Then when I got out, I just, I would smoke and, you know, I go through phases. Yeah.
And the past five years of my life, I smoke intermittently once in a great while. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And one day I had a bag of weed the size of this room at my house because of

Speaker 2 we have a friend who's in the comedy world that owns a company. And I literally just called up my buddy and I was like, hey, come over and pick up this weed.
I just don't even think I need it.

Speaker 2 I don't want it anymore. Yeah.
And then since then, once in a while, if I'm at a party and someone has a joint, I'll hit the joint, maybe. Yeah.
But no, I don't, I think booze is my biggest crutch.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 you know, I don't, I feel bad that I relapsed after 17 years of sobriety, but here's what I do like. I always, even when I, when, you know, when...

Speaker 2 pot became legal, you know, in California and dispensaries opened up, I always in the back of my head went, what is that like? To go to a dispensary.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because, you know, when I was a kid, you know what I mean? I would have to, like, search for days. It was so annoying to get away.

Speaker 2 When you're a kid and you're in the suburbs, it would take days to get weed. Yeah, and it was also, well, I mean, you would get this, like, mud, dirt.

Speaker 2 You get brickweed. You get shitty Mexican seeds, brickweed.
Yeah, but so I was wondering what that was like. So, you know, going into a dispensary and going to the expensive, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 It's wild. Oh, my God.
Like the premium shit. The premium shit.
I think being a pothead now is much cooler than it was when I was young. And then just imagine

Speaker 2 never having anything for 17 years and taking that first hit. Jesus.

Speaker 2 I mean, it was crazy. You had to disappear for a little while.
I remember, like, I got high in Hawaii because I was shooting Magnum PI.

Speaker 2 And it took me from my hotel room to the restaurant. There was this 24-bit pancake house by my, right?

Speaker 2 It took me me like an hour to get there and it it's two minutes away just like getting up and yeah because I hadn't been high in almost 20 years and right

Speaker 2 and you're just you know it just took me forever it's heavy it's heavy and I was laughing the whole time yeah hey let me let's explain to your country club club stop at uh golf club let me explain what's going on real fast

Speaker 2 so we have a poster here that you can see behind us uh look thank you to the the fans that wanted the shirts on the back of Rudy's chair or the shirts there.

Speaker 2 Um, we had over 2,500 emails, entries to get the shirts, right? So, we had a computer algorithm print out a random assortment of names that made it up to this level, right?

Speaker 2 That was the only way to do it. So, there's about 200 and something names.
I don't even know who's up, how many names are up there, and it's a target. Um, and who's on the target, Jules? George.

Speaker 2 George is. And now, George in this in this picture is what, Jules? What is he there? He's holding a gun.
But what would you assume he would be then? He's a...

Speaker 2 A target. A target.
Yes. He's a target.
Because he's a bad guy, right?

Speaker 2 So I figured the best way to do it, Bob, to get the shirts out to fans, would be to have Jules shoot at the target. What do you think? I love it.
I love it. You think that's good?

Speaker 2 I'm going to not be in the room. No, no, no, we have to be in the room.
But I have to be in the back. We'll be behind her.
Yeah, because I'm not going to be here.

Speaker 2 All right, so do you want to shoot this now? Well, let's do it while we're here. While you and I sit here? Yeah.
You want her to shoot between us? Yeah. Wait, on his head?

Speaker 2 Anywhere in the bar?

Speaker 2 Just aim at him. Are you brave enough? You want to do it? I mean, yeah.

Speaker 2 You're not going to kill us, are you? No.

Speaker 2 Fuck, what if she hits one of us? I know, I know.

Speaker 2 Jules, do you really think you can hit this without hurting us? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 You have to shoot it twice. Okay.
Twice because we have to have two names. All right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 Okay, close that. Or could you come inside if you want? It doesn't matter.
I just need to protect my face because I think she's going to shoot me in the face.

Speaker 2 Okay, Jules, come here, get this gun, and you're going to stand. All right, so the safety's off, so be careful.
Okay?

Speaker 2 I have the safety's off. All you have to do is point forward and shoot it.
Back up a little bit. Let's get you backed up till there.
If you shoot me, I'm going to kick you out of the house.

Speaker 2 Let me close my computer because I don't want to.

Speaker 2 Wait, okay, so hold on. Hold on, Bob.

Speaker 2 Okay, so it's going to bounce. You know that.

Speaker 2 It's going to bounce, and it might hit one of us anyway. So are we good to go on that end?

Speaker 2 All right, I just want to protect my face because I don't want to get hit in the face. All right, you ready, Jules? Yeah.
All right, shoot once, take a break, and then shoot again.

Speaker 2 But I want you to say, because George, I want you to go, die, George, and then die, George, twice. Is that cool? Die, George.
Die, George, twice. All right, so are you ready, Andres?

Speaker 2 When you're ready, Jules, go ahead. Die, George!

Speaker 2 Again?

Speaker 2 Die, George.

Speaker 2 Did it get it? There's nothing there.

Speaker 2 What do you mean?

Speaker 2 Where'd it go? Here, let me see the gun. There's nothing in there.
Just air came out. Let me see.
Let me see. No, here, you're fine.
You're fine.

Speaker 2 The clip was, you, you hit this. You can't.
This hits the clip out.

Speaker 2 Don't put your hand on that. The clip will fall out there if you go like that.

Speaker 2 So don't put your hand, don't put your thumb there.

Speaker 2 Okay. Oh, my gosh.
All right.

Speaker 2 Holy shit. All right, back up.

Speaker 2 All right, here we go. You ready? Okay, go ahead.
Die, George.

Speaker 2 Die, George.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 where did we hit?

Speaker 2 Where did we hit? Nothing. There's nothing.
How? See the clip. Let me see.
Let me see.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 there's bullets in there.

Speaker 2 But I saw something bounce.

Speaker 2 How is there no holes in this? Let me try to get it.

Speaker 2 I'm going to shoot it just to see where it goes over there. Ready? Close your eyes.
Close your eyes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, the bullet just came out. You heard it bounce.
It never came out with her. All right, come on.
Try it again. It never came out with her.
All right, do it. Try it again.

Speaker 2 It never came out with her. All right, come on, here we go.
All right. Try it again.
Go ahead. Die, George, and do it.
Die, George.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Aim! Die, George.

Speaker 2 Did you hit it? He doesn't know what to aim. No!

Speaker 2 It didn't go? Do it again! Do it again! Go closer! Get closer, get closer.

Speaker 2 There you go. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Die, George.

Speaker 2 Die, George.

Speaker 2 That one hit my head. It's not hitting anything.
What do you mean?

Speaker 2 No, it can't bounce. No way.
Let me see. Let me try it.
Hold on, let me try. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Close your eyes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that one went through. Taylor Abilene.
You see it?

Speaker 2 Taylor Abilene. All right? Yeah, it also went there.
Oh, so there is two. Higgins.
Higgins. All right, so we have our two.

Speaker 2 Trey Higgins and Taylor Abilene. They get the shirt.
Yeah, yeah. All right, so now I want you to just

Speaker 2 here's what I want you to do now. Just keep shooting it.
Just rapid fire at it. Bop, bop, bop, because we have the two names now.

Speaker 2 Now just keep shooting it. Die, George.
Ba, ba, ba, over and over. Just kill him.
Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Keep going. Die, George.
Die, George. Die, die, die, die, die, die.

Speaker 2 Die, George.

Speaker 2 All right, good. Yay!

Speaker 2 Very good.

Speaker 2 Rudy, come here. Come back behind here.

Speaker 2 Go behind Bob. You can.
You want to shoot him?

Speaker 2 I think we need some more bullets.

Speaker 2 Yeah, hold on. I need to get some more bullets.

Speaker 2 Here, come here. Go behind him and stand behind here and hold the gun so we can sign off.

Speaker 2 Hold the gun, hold the gun like this, like you're a... I'll put the safety back on.

Speaker 2 You know, like this, like your hardcore. There you go.
Yeah. All right, here we go.
And I want you to say it. Me and Bob will just watch you say it proudly.
Ready? As loud as you can.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Perfect. Good job, Jewel.