Bobby Floods the House and Rudy Gets Revenge

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Terms and conditions apply. I'm not a maid.
I just like... The lobby kept shouting on me when we were driving here.
Yeah. It's so loud.
It's so annoying. It's so annoying.
I hate this job, Jules. I know.
Look, these mics actually get close to you. Yeah.
It's so loud. It's so annoying.
It's so annoying. I hate this job, Jules.

I know.

Look, these mics actually get close to you.

I think we should just, like, we can take over.

Do you think the show would be successful if we would do it?

Maybe.

Right?

Maybe.

Maybe.

Look, we even have some of the homeless plus clothes from Tito Bobby.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

Hey, welcome to Bad Friends.

Hi.

Right?

And I can just, like, yell at you.

That's super easy.

It's like, you're late! You're late today! late today why are you late right you just have to do nothing this is the easiest job in the world yeah they don't even know how much we do can i still have my knife yeah i think you should have your knife okay that's it there you are if they um interrupt us then Then we use it? Yeah. That would be nice.
Be so nice. I think this will be so much nicer.
You talking now? You starting? Yeah, why don't you start the podcast? Let them start the podcast. Go ahead.
Is it on? Everything on? Yeah. Okay, go ahead.
Welcome to Bad Friends. Hi.
We decided to take over Bobby and Andrew. Yeah.
Because this is such an easy job. We just get to talk and shout at each other.
Right. Right.
And be mean. Be mean.
We could be good friends instead of bad friends yeah right we're way nicer so what did you do today juliana did you slept until like four no i slept until um five and i woke up because the constructors were coming to our house because um yesterday

tito bobby fled the house well we were on the beach no i didn't fucking shut up shut up

yeah right so what what else happened and then the floor is broken and then we have to move

Thank you. yeah right so what what else happened and then the floor is broken and then we have to move to another house in a week how did he do that i don't know he couldn't hear it so but i don't believe him was he playing video games he was doing yoga nah he.
He was exercising? Yeah. Oh, wow.
You guys are doing a good job with him. What about you, Adi? Tita Bobby? Can you get closer to the mic? I am close.
Closer. This is it.
No, closer. I'm close now.
This is the way. It can't get any closer than this.
That's what you do. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Somebody's got to go to a country club so he can get in at 3 o'clock. Because he is elitist.
That's right. It's like, hey, everybody, welcome to Bad Friends.
I'm Bobby Lee.

I'm Andrew Santino.

And so, you know, I get a call yesterday from one of my best buddies.

He goes, hey.

He goes, hey.

You know, that's how he fucking answers the phone.

I said, hi, Bob.

I was actually very nice the other day.

I go, hey, Bob, how are you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I congratulated you, didn't I?

Because what did you do?

What did you do the other day? So, nothing. What did you do? What do you mean? I do a lot of things.
What did I congratulate you on, Bob? Oh, I'm being perfect? What did I congratulate you on? Oh, I... Oh, you sold a television show.
Okay. Congratulations.
Thank you. That's huge.
Yeah. So I had to move.
So let me say something. me say something yeah go ahead all right so i'm this week i'm pitching to to networks because i wrote a stupid show okay with my friend peter and peter wrote it go ahead god damn you don't even have final draft on your computer i bet my life on it okay anyway do you do you don't have a computer! Okay, so Peter wrote it! No, you...
I do old school! Yes, old school. Hemingway.
What's old school? On a fucking pad. With a feather pen? Yeah, yeah, with a feather pen.
Okay. Alright, so you wrote the show with Peter, and you sold a show, and I was so happy for you.
So then Thursday, we shoot this on Thursdays. Usually, yeah.
Usually, and I call him and I say, listen, we're still pitching to other places. Can we move this to Friday? And he goes, ah, ah, ah, you know, his face gets on fire.
I'm ghostwriter. Right? Yeah, and then, so then, last night he calls me, he goes, meet me at one o'clock.
We do this at three, by the way. Hey, Bob, do you think you can do this at 1 p.m.? That's what I said.
Bob, do you think you can do it tomorrow at 1 p.m.? It would help me out. But that's like asking a normal person, just a normal person, hey, can you get here at 4 in the morning? Normal people don't fucking sleep until 3 p.m.
I'm just saying I'm not normal. I have a different sleeping schedule.
But that scale is incorrect. That's not correct.
It's like somebody is saying hey can you show up at 7 a.m. Yeah.
That's super reasonable. 7 a.m.
Super reasonable. People do it every day to go to work.
Every single day. In fact the mass population probably does that every day.
Yeah but Go ahead. Tell your fucking story.
Right. So I go I go why? Don't worry about it.
I move for you. That's right.
I move for you. I move for you, and I go, alright, you must have something important to do.
That's right. So I get up, and it was really difficult.
And you got up today, and it was hard to get up today, huh? It was so hard to get up. You know, I get up.
Yeah. I got a fucking...
You know, Andrew has... His aunt probably has cancer and he has to go to the hospital.
Mm-hmm. Or, you know, he's meeting, you know, the Russo brothers.
I am meeting the Russo brothers this afternoon. Because he's going to be in the next Avengers movie.
Something, you know, something like that. And that's satisfying.
Let me finish! You're so annoying. I don't have any work coming in right now.
Really? You're on Davey. It doesn't come back for a calendar year.
A year. So I don't get to work for a year.
Davey. So you get to dance around.
You've done two commercials, okay? You've had two auditions. And you sold a television show.
So then I go, I come here and I go, what was it at three that you had to go? Well, I'm trying to get into this country club. Golf club.
Country club. Golf club.
It's a men's club. It's a golf club.
And I go, that's why you move? I have to go meet with the board today. That's important.
All right, so. At 3 p.m.
At the end of the day. What are you getting so angry for? Because you're such a fucking, you're a gaslighting dick.
No, you're a dick. I'm calm.
You were smoking and you talked shit outside before the cameras were on. I'm so calm right now.
Look at the average time that most Americans wake up. Yeah.
Guess what time it doesn't have on there? P.M. No post-meridian on there.
4, 5, 6, 7, 8. You complain about waking up at one o'clock in the afternoon.

The reason why I do it.

To do me a little baby favor.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Juliana's sick.

Then why is she here?

She sleeps, right?

She sleeps.

She needs 12 hours of sleep.

Why are you here if you're sick?

She shouldn't be here if she's sick.

I'm on a daily basis.

I'm on her schedule so she can get her fucking rest.

Okay. Is that true, Jules? No.
You don't sleep 12 hours. I do, but.
There we go. She has a condition.
We have a gun to the. She's growing.
She's an 18 year old girl. She's young.
She's still growing. She needs her sleep and her rest.
Her mind is still developing. You are 50.
You don't. You've got.
Shouldn't you be up. 48.
Yeah. 48 yeah 48 years old I know but you're kissing 50 right there is that 50 yeah and it's fine I'm not criticizing you for your sleep schedule but when I ask you to do me a small favor can't you just do me a small favor if people didn't know who we were and we took our we took headshots and we we had fucking committee, like a focus group, and said, who's older? I don't know.
I don't know who would fucking win that fucking competition. That's because you were always ugly.
You always looked ugly. I got uglier as I got older.
That's fine. But you always looked that way.
That's mean. That's cruel.
It's just as cruel as the thing you just said to me, Bob. You just said, I look older than you.
You said I was 50. almost 50 i know and you know what we're gonna do for your 50th birthday let's go back to the country club let's go back to the golf club and let's go back to your house why are you moving out of your house okay if we out first of all i was not going to even mention this jules did so there are consequences to your behavior young lady right and we talked on the we talked that we would not mention this and you threw me fucking under the bus okay that was so um you broke the floor and now you have to move on can jules tell it can i hear her tell it instead of you because yours is going to be just what she just told it yeah and she just said something that made me so angry what did she she say? She goes, and it's Bobby's fault.
Something like that. Was it Bobo's fault? I mean, no one was there.
Except him. If it's only you at home, whose fault is it then? Okay.
So what you're saying to me is this. I took the kitchen.
Okay. So we have two sinks in the kitchen.
I know. Okay.
We have an island. Yes.
On the island next to the sink, right, is the lever for the fucking sink is one of those long metal things that stick out. And it's very loose.
Yeah. You tap it a little bit.
Water sprays. Sure.
What's next to the sink? The cat bowls. We have three cats.
I know. Okay.
Bojo or Goonie, one of those two cats, hit the fucking lever, right? While I'm in the other room doing yoga. These girls are going to the beach, you know know because that's the life they live

easy peasy

easy peasy

right

you bastard

did you invite him to the beach

no she didn't

no you didn't invite me

yeah but you didn't invite me

why didn't you say Tito Bobby

do you want to come to the beach

do you not care if he comes to the beach

no I care but at the Kalilah already did

and he said no. But I think it would mean a lot to him if you invited him.
Okay, next time. Yeah, it would mean so much to me.
All right. Oh, and by the way, I wasn't going to even mention this, but you deserve it.
When we were in the fucking car ride over here, we drove by a guy, right? And she goes, there he is. I go, and I waved to this guy.
We're driving. And I go, who did I just waved to? It's him.
Who? You would think that it was Brad Pitt. Right, some famous hot guy.
You would think it was George Clooney just walking down the street. Right.
She goes, Jason Nash. You know who that is? Oh, yeah.
He does – yeah, he did sketch stuff. I'm sure he's a very nice guy and very talented.
I know who he is, yeah. But she acted as if it was – Jesus just came back.
I wasn't that excited. You were.
Yeah, you were. Yeah, you were.
Yeah, you were. Oh, yeah, you were.
You like him, huh? Yeah, she likes him. And then she does a slam, another slam that you did.
I go, what, you like that guy? No, he old. I go, he's, she goes, he old as you.
And I was just like, you know, that hurts. Yeah, but she likes him because she's entertained.
She finds him entertaining. You don't have a crush on him.
No. No, no, no, no.
It's not like that. I mean, I witnessed.
I have no idea. She thinks he's funny.
So anyway, I'm doing yoga. And all of a sudden, you know, I'm in the pose.
I'm doing the stretches. Yeah.
Right. All of a sudden I see Kali like running, they come home from the beach.
The house is flooded. I go into the kitchen and there's like this much water.
Right. Wait, time out.
On hard wooden floors. Time out real fast.
They were gone. You were home.
The house flooded. You didn't know.

No.

Wow.

So you had turned on the sink on accident.

You went down to do yoga. I didn't fucking turn on the sink.

I never use that fucking sink.

But neither do they.

Yeah, they do.

They use that sink all the time.

But they didn't use it that day before the beach.

The cat hit it, man.

The cat turned it on.

Yes.

So wait, it's the spigot that goes into the sink.

How would it flood?

Is it plugged? Did the sink flood?, it's the spigot that goes into the sink. How would it flood? Is it plugged?

Did the sink plug?

No, so the, is it the spigot?

Sure.

Where the water comes out?

Yeah, I don't know if we can say that, but.

What's it called?

I think it's a spigot.

Okay, let's just say it's called a spigot.

It was off to the side.

Right.

On the counter.

Like it was turned.

Because it turned.

It can turn.

Ah, it can turn.

Yeah.

So what they're accusing me of is I went, gee, I have yoga in five minutes. I might as well just do this.
Yeah. I like water.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I did not do that. Do you know I know it's the cat? You know how I know it's the cat? The woman who bought the house across the street from me, a really sweet girl, anesthesiologist, just moved in.
The first week she was in the house, she has two cats. She's gone because she works long hours at the hospital for 13 hours one night.
She comes home. The entire house is flooded because a cat turned on the sink and ruined the whole thing.
A week she moved in, she had to redo the whole floors and the whole entire house. Yeah.
Because all the water kept going down to the other levels, too.

Yeah, and that's what we're worried about.

So wait, is your water seeping down to the other levels of the house?

No, but the wood is getting bumpy.

Oh, dude, it's warped.

Oh, that's really bad.

It's bad, yeah.

Do you think that she should pay for it?

Yeah.

I think you should work it off.

But here's another slam that she did.

So I tell them, I swear to God, it's the cats.

She doesn't believe me, this one. What do you think happened? Let me ask, Rudy, what do you think happened? No, I think the cats, but then he could have heard the water.
Oh, she's saying you were negligent in your behavior. She's saying you don't care.
So what she's saying is that I'm doing the yoga pose. What position do you think you're in? Right here? Yeah, what is that? I'm upside down right now.
Oh, on your head? This is the floor. What's that called? What? I don't know yoga positions.
What's it called? Headstand? Headstand. I'm doing a headstand.
That's what that's called? How come some of them are so elaborate and that one's called headstand? They're downward dog. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I do more dog. What's the baby one? Childbirth.
Childbirth.

Child pose.

Child pose, yeah, yeah.

What's the other one?

There's another really.

Cobra.

Cobra.

The cobra.

That's this one, right?

No, not this one. No, that's an eagle.

That's an eagle.

That doesn't look like an eagle at all.

This looks more like a cobra.

Yeah, yeah.

Because snakes intertwine.

This looks like spinal bifida.

Yeah.

They call it the spinal bifida.

This is the humpback.

Here's what happens.

So I tell them we're bummed. And so I guess 40 minutes later I go, I'll have some coffee.
Right? What? So I – you know, it's one of those coffees where – it's a machine where you press the button. It goes – Right, right.
It's little cups. Yeah, it's a Keurig.
Something like that. Yeah.
And I press it. And then all of a sudden, there's coffee all over the place.
And I forgot to take the cup and put it in the thing. Oh, you just thought coffee, the cup will be there.
I just, I don't know what's going on. Make coffee, coffee machine.
I don't know what happened. Biggity boggity boop.
So there's now coffee everywhere. Bob.
And then she looks at me and she goes, you did the faucet. Yeah, I love you, Jules.
And I go, wait. I'm on your team.
It's not your fault. It's not your fault.
That being said, someone has to pay for it. And that someone is you.
How much is it going to cost? Be real. Did they estimate it? It could cost anywhere between 20 grand.
I don't know. Where do you guys have to go in the meantime? You have to move into a rental? I'm trying to figure out if we can stay there.
While all that work, they have to rip up all the floors, right? Yeah, I don't know. There's no way.
This woman across the street had to go to a hotel. She couldn't, they were like, you can't be in the house.
We're ripping up all the floors. That's a disaster.
Was she bummed? You know what's so funny is like she was upset but she goes, this isn't the first time my cats have fucked something up in the house. Yeah, it was the first time in my mind I'm like, is it worth having cats? I mean, you know my opinion.
I know. I love my cats.
You know what my dog has never done? What? It's never turned on my sink. Yeah, you know what your dog has never done? What? Hopped onto a kitchen cabinet.
Yeah, because that's insane. Why do I have an animal inside the house that acts like it's a zoo? That's true, right? I like animals that poop outside.
Stay on the floor. Stay on the floor.
We should have a rule. Cats, stay on the floor.
Stay on the floor. Next time you're on anything levitated.
Good luck. Good luck to you.
Good luck. You're going to go to Peru because in Peru they have a cat eating festival.
Do they? Yeah, where they hunt the cats though. So they put a cat.
In the wild. No, I don't know.
They're like house cats. You put a cat in an arena, and they throw, like, bow and arrows at it.
Yeah, yeah. It's real.
Yeah. I think it's in Peru.
I don't know how the game works. Well, cats have different meanings all over the world, right? If you go to Egypt, cats are the most, like, they're high praise, right? They're, like, these beautiful ancient creatures that they give a lot of love to.
But then you go to certain places like in the Netherlands, they have shot putting contests with cats. Do you know that? Oh, no.
They throw them as far as they can. Wow.
Because cats are going to land on their feet. Yeah.
So they'll just huck them as far as they can. Those Netherlands people are wild, dude.
So they spin them around. Yeah them around.
What do they call that when they put two cats in a bag and hang them over like a phone? Pinata? No. What they do is back in the day, you should put two cats in a bag.
They throw it on like a phone wire, right? And then they just kill each other in the bag. Whoa.
What is that called? Two cats in a bag? Yeah. Do you know what that is, Jules? Have you ever heard of that? There's a term.
It's a famous term, but I forgot what it was. But you know what? I love cats because, you know, dogs to me.
This is how to cat-proof your home. There's nothing in here.
Dogs to you what? Go ahead. Keep talking.
Dogs to me are a little too needy. In what way? I've always had cats.
I prefer cats yeah dogs are always like you know where dogs are always like where are you going yeah they want to know they're concerned I don't like it what if a dog cats are like who are you I like that you're they live in your house that's so disrespectful it's like that in women right you don't want a woman that's too needy but you want you want a woman that shows you affection and love which cats do on their time that and that's what i like it's like kalilah when i met kalilah but kalilah doesn't kalilah shows you love and affection all the time no but kalilah was so difficult to get what do you mean oh to like get as a girlfriend yeah i mean it was i i was like i might have people to get this What do you mean? Oh, to like get as a girlfriend? Yeah, I mean, it was, I was like, I might have people to get this one. Yeah.
First of all, she's like, I mean, none of us thought so. What? None of us thought so.
Fuck you. When I first saw Kalilah, I was like, and I met her, not when I saw her.
How about this? Take away just that she's pretty. Yeah.
When I saw that she was so cool and nice and sweet. Yeah.
I was a little annoyed. Yeah.
That that was your girlfriend. It bothered me.
People got, yeah, people get annoyed. People got annoyed.
Yeah. Because a good looking girl is a good looking girl.
There's a fucking billion of them in Los Angeles. Yeah.
She's very cool. And it was a little bothersome for me.
Yeah. It was annoying.
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Okay.

That's fine.

But let me say this.

She shows you love and affection just like a dog does, right?

She's concerned with where you go.

But in the beginning, no.

So in the beginning, right, it was like her first thing was, I'm never going to go to L.A. She lived in Long Beach.
Right. And I go, what do you mean? Like, you're going to have to come to me.
So every day, you know how far Long Beach is? That's where I used to live down there. How long was it? I mean, from L.A.
45 minutes every day. In traffic? Yeah, about an hour then in traffic.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
Every day I would drive there and back. There and back for months.
How long did it take before she kissed you? Well, it took about a month. A month, no kisses? No, she would do things like spit in my face and stuff.
Hmm. I swear to God.
Which is just as like a bit? Like a sexual. Oh, that was hot.
That was like, ooh, yeah. Took a while to kiss.
And then eventually, because what I needed to seal the deal was her to come to L.A. to come to the comedy store.
To see you perform. Not only see me perform, but see – because I think she thought I was a lower-level comic.
She didn't know who you were at all. She did.
I mean outside – in the comedy world. She knew about TV and all that stuff.
That's what I mean. She knew you as an actor.
Yeah, but she didn't know – right? So once I brought her to the comedy store – She understood. You have to bring a girl to the comedy store.
Well, they have to, anytime you're dating someone, whether it's brand new or it's late in the relationship, you always need to let them see that you're doing well to give them some semblance of like, hey, you know I'm like not, I'm not shitting the bed. I'm actually like this, I'm actually, and that's only because oftentimes people only because oftentimes people just go, yeah, I know my buddy's a standup comedian.
Oh, what is he? Yeah. He does it like, I think in June, he does it like once every June, every June, maybe like once a year or twice a year.
Yeah. And then we're, we become that same guy in their mind.
Oh, you do standup? Oh, when do you do, when do you do it? Every fucking waking minute of my life, every night of my fucking life. Oh, I've never seen you.
Or you're in a cafe in the Midwest, right? You're on a gig. Yeah.
Right? And you're at a cafe and some guy will walk up to you and sit next to you or whatever. Doesn't know who you are.
What are you doing here? What are you doing here? And I go, oh, I'm a comic. And he goes, hey, you live in Los Angeles? I go, yeah.
You know Frankie Rice? And I go, Frankie Rice? No, how would I know him? He does comedy as well. Oh, I say yes.
Oh, you do? Every time. All right, let's say it.
No matter who it is. Let's do this fucking conversation.
Okay, I'm eating. We're in Ohio.
We're in Ohio. I'm just eating soup at a little restaurant by myself.
Hey, my redheaded friend. Hey, how are you? Hey, my name is Bill.
What's your name? I'm Andrew. Oh, hello, Andrew.
Nice to meet you. Wow, what a great weather today, huh? It is, yeah, yes.
I haven't seen you. I come to this coffee shop a lot.
I haven't seen you around. Yeah, I don't live here.
Where do you live? Can I get the check? I live in Southern California. Oh.
Yeah. Oh, I've never been to California.
I've never ever left the state. Well, you should go.
Oh, well, you should go because it's a great place. What do you do? What do you do for living there, Ant? I'm going to pay for his stuff as well.
Thank you. Thank you.
What do you do, Andy? I'm actually in town doing stand-up. You do stand-up? Wow.

Yeah, I'm at the club here.

I'm just at the club right up the street. You must know Debra Nickelback.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I do.

You know Debra Nickelback?

Do you keep in touch with her?

Well, she died.

She did die.

Yeah, she died.

Oh, God, yeah.

But she did stand-up comedy as well.

Right, I remember her.

She was great.

She was very good.

In fact, she was so good that that's somebody that I looked up to for a long time. That's someone I love.
Yeah. I love her.
And for an African-American woman to do stand-up. Thank you very much.
To stand-up in the – Yes. She wasn't African-American.
She was white. She was white.
But she was always tan.

I do.

I have to lie my way through it.

Good save.

But when someone does that, there's no advantage of, you have to just go for it.

I just go, yes, I think I've heard of him.

Yeah.

Because if you say no, then they're going to go, huh.

You know Bryce Mickelson?

No.

Huh.

You know Adam Chetlihan? No. Yeah.
Huh. And they just keep digging to think.
And then they'll just shoot for the moon. Then they'll do a big name that they know you don't know.
This is what I do. You do me now.
Okay. Yeah, well, just a table for one.
Are you Bobby Lee? No, you're supposed to not know who I am. Oh, fuck.
The same scenario you were in.

Oh, yeah, sorry.

Same fucking scenario?

What the fuck are you doing?

I haven't acted in a long time.

All right, go ahead.

Hold on.

Yeah.

I'll just take a booth here.

That's fine.

Hey, man.

Hello.

I've never seen you here.

Hello.

Oh, hi.

Hey.

Are you new in town or something? No, I'll be real. No, I always open that.
Yeah, I always open that. No, no.
Hey, man, how are you? Good, man. Good, good, good.
Good. Yeah.
It's crazy out there today. Isn't that nuts? That car accident happened on I-98? Yeah, I didn't.
Yeah. You didn't read about it this morning? Did you watch the morning news? No, man.
I'm not. With Ken and Carrie?

Yeah, I'm not from around here.

Oh, you're not from?

You're not a Loke?

I'm not a Lokey.

Oh, where are you from?

Oh, I'm from, I live in Los Angeles.

Wow.

Yeah.

The big city.

What goes on over there, huh?

You must be a Hollywood guy.

Cocaine nights, my friend.

Really?

Yeah.

No, I'm kidding.

Are you a Hollywood guy?

No, no.

I'm just a working, I just do stand-up. Shut up.
Yeah.'re a standup comic? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Really? Where are you, are you in town performing? Yeah.
Where, the club right up here in the street? Yeah, the Chucklefuck factory. Son of a gun.
Yeah. Son of a gun.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are those, what are those tickets cost? Maybe me and my, me and my wife will go wife will go.
Sold out. It's sold out? It's sold out, yeah.
Wow. Well, they must have given away a bunch of tickets or something.
That's wild. I didn't even know.
They didn't even tell me that they were selling. I don't do comps.
What does that mean? Yeah, I don't. You know, I have, because I'm a special act that I don't have.
Oh, you're a handicapped guy. No.
And I was going to say that when I saw you when I walked up.

You fucking saw me.

No, but honestly, yeah, no,

I didn't know.

So you do comedy.

That's what, you know,

I know some guys that moved out there to do comedy.

Yeah?

And they're doing really well.

Yeah?

They're doing very well.

I want to know.

Hold on for a second.

Yeah.

Let me get my notebook and pen.

Okay.

So I can write it down.

Well, just some guys that I grew up with.

Go ahead.

Tell me the names, please.

I'm very eager to hear it. Well, Sarah Silverman, Patton Oswalt.
Now, if that happened. If he starts naming names that you know.
Yeah, I'll be like, yeah. Oh, yeah, I do know them.
Yeah, I know them, yeah. I actually have had a guy, I had an Uber driver name someone that we did know.
I was in Jersey. I was somewhere on the East Coast.
Oh, no, I was doing, yeah, I was doing Stress factory in jersey and he he goes uh where are you going i said i'm going to do this comedy club and he goes oh cool i i know a comic out there in uh in uh in new york i said oh yeah you know new york guys i'm an la guy he goes oh cool yeah do you know uh uh uh do you know so-and-so so-and-so no no i don't know who that is yeah sorry no no but i know a lot of him and then he's like you know Mark Norman I was like yeah do you know Mark he's like yeah I know him well as a friend I was like oh and then it shook me and then it kind of became like well what do you want to talk about then because you make this barrier of like I know he's not going to know and we're not going to – this is going to be weird. But then we started chatting about comedy and I was like, oh, okay, cool.
Yeah. I mean I can only get there with people that are either podcast friends.
Sure. I can't do it with people that are like fans of mine from other mediums I guess.
Like TV? Like Mad TV or whatever. It doesn doesn't feel like there's they know me yeah right but with podcasting they know me or i can talk to people that are in um a 12-step group like i've been on the road where um some i'll be in the bathroom somewhere at a restaurant or something and then i'll hear two guys talk about the book and then i'll go oh i'm a friend of bill w all right right and then they'll go um and then it always changes you know the relation almost as if we're instant kind of a part of the club it's you're akin to one another because yeah so then you know you they're just a you know we speak the same language So I like that.
You know, that's so funny that there's this unspoken bond that addicts have in the same way that comic, no matter where you are, you just meet a comic. You're like, oh, okay.
Yeah. If they're a working comic, you right away are like, oh, dude, we have this thing.
I talked to Brad Garrett on my show and, you know, I said that Brad's anniversary was coming up and Richard Lewis's anniversary just happened for 26 years of sobriety. And I was asking how his generation bonds over that over the years because obviously all the people that got sober in his generation stayed alive.
A lot of guys that didn't in that generation are fucking dead. Which is crazy because in our generation we didn't lose a lot of guys.
Yeah, because I think it's not as... They lost a lot of guys to drugs.
Because back in the day, it was like something that people enable each other to do. It was part of the culture.
But now it's like when you're a full-blown drug addict, you can't even get into the clubs really. Well, they don't want to do it anymore.
It's difficult to survive because it's just like – it's just a completely different game. Whereas before – like I saw a documentary where Richard Pryor was on a movie set.
High. Not only high, he was smoking crack on set.
You know what I mean? And they were, the PA is like, uh, Richard, we need you on set. Yeah.
He's like, hold on, baby. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Like he, sir, he's smoking crack in the, in the trailer.
It was sort of enabled or well it was almost because they were such you know they were such big stars that were drug addicts people like prior or farley yeah that it was like fuck we need them because they're so valuable yeah that what are they going to do they're going to tell them no and then they're going to tell them to go fuck themselves yeah and then they're like that's the problem is there's no balance to that because you're not going to be able to tell an addict to stop when they're in the middle of it, especially if they're, it's like, it's like, it's like when someone tries to say to Trump that he can't do something and he's like, I already did it and I'm the best. Yeah.
Tell the guy that won presidency that he did, he can't do anything and you're like, really? Because I, I did that. So that's the same idea.
If you're an addict, you're like, I'm fucking killing it. Who's to say that I'm not doing it right? So it's hard to communicate that to them.
But also that kind of behavior, though, isn't like tolerated anymore. Like, for instance.
Well, no, times have changed. Like in that movie, Island of Dr.
Moreau with Marlon Brando and Val Kilmer. Yeah.
One day they just completely shut down production. because Val Kilmer refused to go on set if Marlon Brando didn't get there first.
And Marlon Brando refused to go on set if Val Kilmer didn't get there first. Right.
So they just shut down the fucking day. In this day and age, yeah, the network would come – the studio would come down and go, all right, Josh Brolin and Brad Pitt are are coming and get the fuck out right you know i mean they just wouldn't tolerate it no it would be it would be a you get wiped clean if somebody wrote an article that i thought was very funny i don't know if it was like an onion thing or something but they said uh facts you don't know about celebrities and it's got to be a bit but it said ben affleck refused to shoot for six days on g-League because they made him wear a Yankees hat.
Yeah, yeah. But, like, that would be the level of you can't do that shit anymore.
I don't know. I just think that, like, you know what? Like, here's what's changing in the business, genuinely.
When you told me about selling the show, and I was genuinely happy for you, and I said, it about and you said it's about a korean spa in south los angeles correct in korea town yeah oh i thought it was in south south i was in korea town it's fine and i thought that's great and i said who you did who did you do it with and we don't have to say his name if you don't want to peter okay peter and i said who's peter i don't know Peter. And you said he is a, what did you say? You said he's Korean.
A fat Korean. A fat Korean.
Gay guy. Gay guy.
And I said, perfect. Why? Because that's who you need to write that show.
Because if you said to me, I'm going in there with, you know dan greenfield i'd be like well get someone korean to write the fucking korean you say that and i don't like you know really talking about stuff that really isn't real yet because i'm selling a show isn't real well then we can we don't have to no but i would know it's fine i like to talk about it because i think it's important. I think it's fucking important.
Yeah. Right? But there is something about going in – because I've pitched shows with older white guys.
And famous. Famous.
Famous showrunners and it just doesn't work. There's something about going in with a kid who's young, gay, Asian.
And in this climate, it's almost as if once he does his thing in the pitch... What's his thing? He just does this...
He does this thing. What? Blow one of the executives with you? No, no, no.
He's like, so here's the show. He just kind of turns it up.

Yeah, he gays it up.

Is that what you're trying to say?

No, I'm not saying that.

You just did.

I didn't.

I'm just saying that he does a thing.

Sure.

And once he does that, right, it's like, oh, we're going to sell this.

Are you gay on the show?

No.

Is there a gay character on the show?

He's gay.

On the show?

Yeah.

Okay, great.

Right.

And I called you on the phone and I said, is there a white, angry, redheaded guy who maybe works in the shop next door? What's great about the show is that because it's – Is their landlord a white, angry, redheaded guy? No. Oh, the guy that – We have a part in the show, right, that you could play.
And he – because what I love about pitching a show like a Korean spa is that – because we have patrons that come in or regulars. It's like cheers.
Yeah, where everybody knows your balls. And in Korean spas, if you haven't been to a Korean spa, it's like you'll see – everyone goes there, Hispanics, black people.
Yeah, yeah. It's very multicultural.
Yeah, it's very multicultural. but it's like you know you'll see you know everyone goes there hispanics black people yeah yeah it's very multicultural multicultural but it's eight 70 percent korean dudes older korean dudes right yeah it's mostly it's mostly korean guys in their 80s yeah just why i love it i love it wild so um but there is a character in my show that he is a limo like a limo driver i'm I'm a lim yeah okay and so you're always in the steam room at night love it but you're always with other celebrities love it because you're you're a limo driver for celebrities before they take them home i said do you want to go to a spot yeah yeah i love it and you're always complaining about things and sitting next to you is always like you know a big guy but they don't say anything famous guy.
So hopefully one day if the show goes, right, we could have, like, somebody. You're just going on these rants.
I love it. And you're next to, like, you know, whoever it might be.
Tom Cruise. Ooh, Tom Cruise.
Yeah, yeah. Love to be in a spa with Tom Cruise.
Yeah. You know what else you could do? Because every time I used to go to the old, when I lived near Mid-City, I would go to the old – the Korean spa that's connected to the driving range on Wilshire.
You know, it's a driving range and then the Korean spa is in – so that I could be – I could work at the driving range. My Korean spa is called Hyundai Spa.
I'm going to tell you because I don't want people to flood there. Like the car company? Yeah, I think it's spelled the same way.
Hyundai's own – do they own them? No. Because they own a lot of stuff.
Well, my spa is in an alleyway. There's no sign, really.
Oh, so it's not a nice spa. No.
Okay. And it's been there forever.
And it's 24 hours. Of course.
Why would you shut down? You walk in, there's an old Korean lady there. You pay 20 bucks, $15.
And you walk in and it says, Hyundai Spa, we do your taxes. Shut up.
I'm not fucking kidding you. We do your taxes.
They do taxes, barbershop, ping pong arena. Love that.
Right? They do all kinds of stuff. Wait a minute.
Wait. Taxes is way out there.
I know, but it says it. Barbershop ping pong is like athletic, get it cleaned up, but taxes is like – I think Han, the guy – because there's this guy named Han.
He's a Korean man. He owns it.
He's like a 70-year-old man. And this guy Han, right, he only goes at 2 in the morning.
It's his own spa. So he also used to have a headshot of me.
Because I've been going there for years since Mad TV days. Yeah.
He used to have a Mad TV, you know what I mean, headshot of me. And when you walk into the lobby, it would just be a headshot of me framed, right? It was just one of those, you know.
Did you sign it? Yeah, I signed it, right? And then when my career started just depleting, because after Mad TV, there was like an eight-year gap where I didn't do anything. know I remember he just took it off he completely took it off and so now there's like a dust you know what I mean just an outline of where the he didn't fucking feel it right so whenever I walk in there and there's just this dust ring what about now he wouldn't put back up no you're killing it now there's no way that's so mean it's so mean fucking picture back up.
But this dude, right, at two in the morning, asked my brother or asked Pauly. Pauly Shore because I brought Pauly Shore, which was the biggest regret.
Why? Bro. So Pauly's always there, right? And I try to see if his car is in the parking lot because if it is, I won't go in.
Because you don't want to talk? No. I'll tell you what he does.
As I walk in and if he's there, he'll be completely naked with two Korean men. He's touching them.
Right? And he goes, Chinese people are the most beautiful people in the world. And he sings that out loud.
But he's right. I know.
And then we'll be in the steam room and he'll go, Chinese people. Does he not know it's a Korean spa? He doesn't care.
Do you think he knows where Korea is compared to China? He does. He does.
But, you know, Pauly has always been – he was raised with Asians. Because I don't know if you know this, but the comedy store staff used to be Thai.
Well, yeah. I mean, what's-his-name has a Thai food restaurant down in Santa Monica.
Right. Yeah.
So it used to be Thai, so he was kind of raised by them. So he has this weird, like, affinity for Asians.
But Thai is much different than Korean. He doesn't see the difference.
Well, that's good. That's good.
I don't see color. Yeah.
I see Asians. So when Pauly's there, it's of dread.
But I get that way. Do you, don't you get that way about a lot of things when you see, I've avoided going into places that I, when I see someone I know just because I'm like, I just can't.
I can't do it. I was going to go, I was going to go get one of my favorite Mexican restaurants right here near the house.
And as I'm getting out of my car, I see someone waiting for a pickup order that we know. And I just didn't want to talk.
Yeah. And I just got in my car and I left because I was like, I don't feel like chatting.
I do. I love seeing somebody I don't want to talk to first because once they see you, it's like Warzone.
Once they see you, you're dead. You're dead.
Right? You got to see them first. It's that moment of, oh no.
Right. And then you're in the gulag.
So then when I see them, right, I go, I just, I can do a route. Or I do what Michael McDonald always talk.
Always have your phone. Yeah, get on your phone.
On your hand. When you're in public, always have your phone so that when he sees someone beeline towards you, you're talking.
And it's got to be something crazy. What do you mean dad's dead? Yes.

I'm coming home now.

Yeah, like one of those.

Yeah, you have to have some kind of emergency.

Back to Han at two in the morning when he does.

Yeah.

I have people that back him.

If you walk in the steam room, Han, this 70-year-old Korean dude who owns the whole

plane, right?

Is he in good shape?

Yeah.

He's ripped.

He loves me too.

Those old Korean dudes are ripped all the time.

He puts his hands behind his back like this, and he never sits.

He's standing in the middle of the steam room.

So he's standing like this, right?

Yeah.

And he makes these noises.

Oh, yeah.

Who does this?

Who does this?

You know what I mean?

What is it?

What?

I don't know.

Ab workout?

His dick is this big.

Oh, he's a heavy hitter.

Yeah, he's got a big old Louisville.

It's like, I know this guy. I know this guy.
And he's just standing there. You know what I mean? Who did it? Is it moving like an elephant tusk? No, it's just, yeah, I guess.
When he goes, ho-yo. Yeah, but it's always mid-hard.
Yeah, because he's up here. He's a thinker.
He's a thinker. He's a thinker, right? And once you walk, you can't just go, excuse me, and close it like someone's taking a shit or something.
No, you just have to get in. So you have to go, oh, I gotta go in, right? Do you have to like pay homage to the penis? Do you have to like tug on it and go...
No, he always... And I hate it because he always says hi to me.
He goes, oh, there he is. Comedy, comedy.
There he is. Oh, right? And I go, hi, how are you? It's good to see you.
And he goes back, who do you? Who do you? And he does his thing. It's fucking so weird.
He's going to live forever, by the way. He probably will.
Yeah, that's one of those guys. But be honest with me.
Are you ever concerned with the sanitization of that, I think, you know, because you know I have gangrene. I have massive foot fungi.
I think gangrene is what's gangrene? Gangrene is where it's going to fall off. No, you have fungus infection.
You have an infection. And I got it from the spa.
Of course. Yeah, of course.
And I think that because of this COVID thing, it's a cesspool for Do you walk around without flip-flops? Not only that, I walk around free, baby. But wait a minute.
I'm okay with the nudity, but you don't wear flip-flops on your feet? What does free mean, baby? Bro, I'm walking... If I go there, I'm walking with aqua socks.
You know those white guy aqua socks. Yeah.
I just don't like... That about public gyms is my biggest beef.
But it's... You know, I brought Ian Edwards there once.
That's hilarious. Yeah.
And I said, you got to be completely naked. He said, nah, nah.
No. I don't do that, son.
I don't do that. I don't do that, son.
So then we're like, I'm getting naked. I go in to inside the steam room.
And Ian Edwards walks in. And he's wearing, one a bathing suit no yellow basketball shorts like Lakers Lakers and I go where'd you find it he goes I found it in the lobby what he just took someone else's shorts yeah because he didn't know what to do because he doesn't want to be naked why do you think it is just not his thing it's just not his thing yeah you know it's not his thing there's some guys that aren't comfortable it's not his thing? It's just not his thing.
Yeah. You know, it's not his thing.
There are some guys that aren't comfortable with it. It's not his thing.
Who else have I brought there? I brought Jay Davis there, Steve Byrne, people like that. I like Steve Byrne a lot.
Yeah. He's a good egg.
He's a good dude. He's one of those guys that I think has always made me laugh, and I wish nothing but the best for someone like that.
Honestly. Are you being honest? Yeah, because I really like – he's never been – he's always been positive and always been funny.
Yeah, he's a nice guy. It's like a weird loophole in our business where you're like, he's funny and he's very sweet.
Yeah, he really is a sweet guy. I wonder why he's not – Well, I mean – More.
Do you know how I met him? This is even sweeter. When you guys were on tour, right'm in LA I'm broke like I'm dirt broke right and I lived in a one one bedroom apartment in Silver Lake with 11 guys what yeah I lived what are you a fucking migrant worker they used to call it the dumpster yeah sounds like yeah yeah and.
Yeah. And it was like we had a – I'm not kidding you.
A 50-year-old guy named Dave, homeless guy, lived there. We had a 17-year-old runaway from Beverly Hills, a girl.
A rich kid, though. A meth head, though.
Yeah. Yeah, but she'll go back.
And she was able to stay there. I can't say her name, but she was able to stay there because she cleaned the house.
Well, because she was on meth all the time. Yeah, she would take a toothbrush at five in the morning.
You go... And she was just cleaning the fucking living room.
Yeah. Or the, you know, whatever, the living space.
A responsible meth head is kind of cool though. My brother Steve lived in my closet.
Like just on the floor? Yeah. Where did you keep any of your stuff? Did you have clothes? No clothes? Just a pile.
We would share community. Grab it.
But so we were living there, but for some reason I did the Tonight Show. Jay Leno.
Really? Yeah. Wow.
So I took a bus there to Burbank. To The Tonight Show? Yeah.
Wow.

And so I was just – and this is right when phones came out.

Cell phone.

Like the Nokia.

With Snake?

Yeah, with Snake.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I get a call, and it's Steve Byrne.

I don't know him.

And he goes, hey, man.

I'm Steve Byrne.

I'm a comic.

I go, what? And he goes, I live in New'm Steve Byrne, I'm a comic. I go,

what?

And he goes,

I live in New York,

I'm just grinding it out.

I go,

yeah,

he goes,

oh by the way, the reason,

I got your number

from Barry Katz,

and he goes,

I saw your Tonight Show,

man,

really inspiring.

Oh wow,

dude.

And I was just like,

wow.

Because no,

no one ever has said good job on the, you know. Well, comics don't.
It's hard for comics. No one says good job.
Right. Unless you're best friends.
So for him to do that was so fucking kind. It was very important to me at the time.
And then when he moved to L.A., we just became very good friends. There's only a few small moments like that when comics do stuff, you know they mean it because they don't have to say it.
unless they're your friends yeah look i the the one of the most meaningful moments of my career was you know bill burr tweeted at me uh after i put out my special on showtime in 2017 and i didn't love it i was kind of bummed about it i think i rushed into it whatever But he said something so nice in the tweet, and I texted him to thank him. And I was sitting on my patio, and I got emotional because it meant a lot to me.
He didn't need to say anything. Publicly, he could have been like, hey, man, good stuff.
But it was just him doing that out loud for other people to hear. It just meant a lot to me.
Yeah, he's a guy with real strong ethics. Well, he wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it yeah bill doesn't need to do that no no he's just not one of those kind of guys like i um you know when i'm a and because i i like people that are flawed and aren't ethical right right people people that have issues yeah like you and like you exactly that's where we're two peas in a pot, baby.
Two peas in a pot. Do you think we're peas? Whatever.
But with Bill – You're like a water chestnut. And I'm like a baby carrot.
Yeah, you always just like – But with Bill, what? Sorry. My mind wanders.
With Bill – With Bill. Because he has such strong ethics and stuff I can't He'll see through my bullshit He sees through everybody's bullshit So then I have to be at my full supreme Bobby mode Yeah And I don't like it Well you're I've seen you when you've got your P's and Q's together When you're trying to be like You know a know, a good boy.
Yeah. And like focused.
It's not who you are. It's not who I am.
It's phony baloney. Yeah.
And I think he sees through it. So one time, you know, Sebastian had some sort of like pizza party.
Does he have his own pizza oven? One of those? Yeah. Yeah.
No, he has Italians there, like real chefs. He bought a couple of Italians, I heard.
Yeah. He paid for them online, flew them out here.
His house is... She's been there.
She's been there. I know.
I see his online. He posts every other week.
It's a new area of his home. It's crazy.
So I... You know I'll never own a home like that? You will? No way.
I mean, you would be able to afford one. I never could.
In my mind, I'm so scared of that kind of stuff because it scares me. I think, you know...
I don't want to be like Ed McMahon. You know who Ed McMahon is? Shut up.
You know who Ed McMahon was? Yeah, he was Johnny Carson's sidekick. Right.
Don't talk to me like that. I don't know who – I'm a part of comedy.
I know, but sometimes I think you might not know. Sometimes I think you might not know.
Ed McMahon at the end of his career, truth be told, couldn't afford his house. They put a lien on his house.
Oh, really? Yeah, but that's my point. I think sometimes when you buy stuff that's so much, that's my fear.
Obviously, Sebastian is fine, but you'd think Ed McMahon would be fine. So why did they have to seize his house? He just wasn't paying his mortgage? And then when he was dying, it was like, we're going to have to take it back.
The bank's going to take back your house. Yeah, but if he's dying, why would he give a fuck? Because then all your finances for your children and your children's children are fucked.
Oh, that's true. Then you fuck them over.
Then they have to pay for all your debt. That's my biggest fear is leaving debt for other people.
Back to Sebastian, though, at the house. Oh, sorry.
My bad. Sorry, big house, sorry.
Yeah, it's so hard to keep track with you sometimes. Yeah, I'm like a tree.
I know because we go this way and I go this way. And then in my head I have to go, I have to still keep this as a thing because I was starting this story.
But the road less traveled. I'm going to meet you there at the end.
We're going to get there. I just want to go to the – I want to get leaves all over me.
This is a really good mental exercise for me though. That's what this is.
So thank you. Yeah.
Yeah. It really is.
Being with you here is such a big mental exercise for me. But that's a good thing.
Because, you am I talking, but there's a sense of rage that happens inside me. Same.
I could see it. Yeah.
Like when we got into a fight outside before the show started? It was crazy. Well, first of all, you screamed at me.
I did. You know why? Why? Because you belittled what I wanted in my life.
It's belittling. You were belittling.
It's a belittling thing. You belittled me.
You did that to yourself. You belittled me after I went and got you coffee, cigarettes, and Red Bull.
And I said, I had to cancel. After I went and got you coffee, cigarettes, and Red Bull.
I had to cancel. Have you ever bought anything for me like that? Have you ever gone to the store and bought me something that I, if I could text you and say, Bob, would you bring me? I asked you.
Would you bring me Diet Coke and coffee? I asked you to fucking bring me this because I'm not allowed to go to 7-Eleven or go anywhere. Whose problem is that? Because if I went to 7-Eleven with her to get cigarettes, she would have told on me.
Stop being a snitch. Stop snitching because then I have to do his dirty work.
So I'm asking for a fucking favor. Please, go ahead and include please in the text.
Pitching a show to Fox yesterday is not the same as going to the boardroom of some country club to get in. Golf club.
It's a golf club. They're not the same thing.
But it doesn't matter. It's my priority and your priority.
I respected yours. You respect mine.
All right. So the next time I will cancel.
I will move for something ridiculous like something ridiculous like oh you know what I mean I'm shaving my legs. Today's leg shaving and it's important to me.
And you know what I would say? Yeah. If it's important to you I'm down.
Alright good. But you have to film it.
No. Yeah.
Then film your fucking board committee thing for the country club. I will.
It's a club. It's not a golf club.
It's a country club. No it's not a country club.
That's what they call it. No, it's a men's club.
It's not. It's not a country club, right? It's like saying, is that a car? No, it's a sedan.
It's still a fucking car. No, not true.
These are two separate things. Country clubs are for like families.
This is just a golf club. It's for golf.
It's for men. It's a men's club.
It's a men's club. There we go.
That's even worse. Why? Do women go to the Korean spa that you go to, Bob? Yes.
There's a women's division. Yeah, there's a women's place, too.

So they can't go with you in all the rooms.

There is no women's division.

No, okay. So shut up.

It's the same thing.

Interesting.

Can you please say thank you for getting you coffee and cigarettes and Red Bull?

Oh, my God. It'll be my...
I will never.

Because you didn't say thank you.

I will never say it.

Why? You didn't say... Why?

Because... You just said, get me this stuff, and you didn't even say thank you to me.
I'll tell you why. Why? Because the day I met you, let me just finish without you interrupting.
Okay, I'll put the mic away. Okay.
There are just certain things, when you meet certain people, you know, I believe in an afterlife. I believe that people, we have other lives, right? And when I met you, it was almost my soul knew your soul and said, you know what? I've known this guy before in past lives.
And we're intricately entwined, our destinies, right? And there's almost a love that you can't describe or you can't really even look up in a dictionary. It really is something that is – there's no words to describe it.
And when I met you – and I've done this with a lot of comics where I meet them and I go, you know what?

We've known each other before.

So there's just unsaid things, you know.

And so when I ask you because I'm in trouble, right, and you do that for me, I don't really find the need to thank you for it because I would do the same.

And we're beyond that kind of language. I would thank you.
I would absolutely thank you. Such a dick.
I refuse. That's fine.
Yeah, I refuse. So can you finish your Sebastian about his big house that you love so much? No, no, no.
And you went and got pizza. So I saw Bill there with his wife and his baby.
The best. And I have a plate full of pizza.
And I walk by. I know they locked eyes with me.
So I just kind of, I got to go. Right? So I sit there and I go, what's your baby's name? Uh-oh.
You know what I mean? And he says it and he goes, how's the company going? And he goes, hey, man, what are you doing? Yeah, what are you doing? Yeah, that's what he said. Yeah.
What are you doing? I go, I don't know, man. I just get nervous.
He does. I know.
He goes, I know. You're doing a great job on the podcast.
Thanks for being part of our company. That's nice.
Yeah, yeah. That's very nice.
Yeah. I get really nervous around him.
Him, Rogan, I get nervous.

Papas.

Yeah, the big Papas.

Yeah, yeah.

He called me the other day.

They're prepared to leave.

He's ready to move.

Yeah, I know.

They move at the end of the month.

Joe is?

Joe's gone.

Where?

To Austin.

Yeah.

They're gone.

He's ready to rock.

He called me last night and we talked for a while.

And it was just wild.

It's wild that he's gone.

He's leaving. He's like, he's ready to go.
A new chapter in his life. You know, there's three other comics that called me and they're selling their houses.
They're leaving. Let me guess.
Paula Poundstone. I'm not allowed to say.
Margaret Cho. I'm not allowed to say.
But there's a bunch of guys leaving. People are gone.
People are leaving. Because they don't like the stringent rules.
They don't like L.A. anymore? I think that they don't like the liberal vibes.
Oh, so they're – They want more freedoms. I'll just say that.
Sure, yeah. One of them is like he was saying, I want to move because of my kids, the school system and this and that.
But I know what his ideology is. But I have heard that people are – because LAUSD is tough.
Yeah. It's tough.
I mean like I went to public school as a kid. Did you go to public school or did you go to private school? Public.
And, you know, I don't think they were the best in Chicago, but they were fine. Yeah, they were fine.
So I don't know if it's like that up here anymore because you went to public and SD. I went to a really good school district.
Poway High I went to. We've talked about it before.
Yeah, you were in the Hall of Fame. I'm not.
But, you know, it's probably the darkest time of my life.

High school, public school.

Yeah.

I have no good – I have a couple of good memories, but generally it was a lot of like dick sucking and drugs.

I'll just say that.

Thank you for being –

Yeah.

High school wasn't totally black for you.

There was moments where it was kind of nice, right? Well, I went to three rehabs in high school. Cool.
Yeah, I didn't have a girlfriend. Didn't make love to anybody.
I tried to be friends with the popular people. But you didn't get kicked out of school.
That's nice. I did.
But then you got to graduate. Because every time I would go get kicked out, I would always go through a rehab.
And then through the rehab, I would be able to get back into school saying that I'm sober, but then I would relapse. It was like one of those things.
But when I was 17 is when I got sober sober and it was my junior year in high school and um i think from junior year when i got sober until i graduated was pretty bright i guess because you know my senior year i was completely sober i was going to a meetings i was like very active you feel so much better when you're clean huh huh? I'm not good in a drug run.

In a binge.

I go hard, dude.

Right.

I go hard and I'm blind to it all and I don't give a fuck.

What do you think my drug would be if I was going to get into drugs and slip away?

You're like a whiskey guy.

Well, that does happen.

Yeah, that happens to me sometimes.

You just have an alcohol temperament.

So no drugs. I don't see you as a meth guy.
No. Yeah, I don't see you as a pothead.
Do you smoke pot? I did for years, and I don't think I do anymore. I've talked about that.
Did your wife smoke pot? No, no, no. I mean, it's just not pot.
I smoked pot for a long—I smoked pot for—since I was 15. And for high school, I smoked all the time, almost every day.
College, I smoked constantly. Yeah.
And when I got out, I just, I would smoke and, you know, I go through phases. Yeah.
And the past five years of my life, I smoke intermittently once in a great while. Yeah.
And one day, I had a bag of weed the size of this room at my house because of, we have a friend who's in the comedy world that owns a company.

And I literally just called up my buddy and I was like,

Hey,

come over and pick up this weed.

I just don't even think I need it.

I don't want it anymore.

Yeah.

And then since then,

once in a while,

if I'm at a party and someone has a joint,

I'll hit the joint.

Maybe.

Yeah.

But no,

I don't,

I think booze is my biggest crutch.

Yeah.

I,

I,

you know,

I don't,

I feel bad that I relapsed for after 17 years of sobriety,

but here's what I do like. I always, even when I, when, you know, when pot became legal, you know, in California and dispensaries opened up, I always in the back of my head went, what is that like? To go to a dispensary? Yeah, because, you know, when I was a kid, you know what I mean, I would have to, like,

search for days.

It was so annoying to get pot. When you were a kid,

and you're in the suburbs,

it would take days to get weed.

Yeah, and it was also, well, I mean... And then you would get this, like, mud,

dirt. You'd get brickweed.

You'd get shitty Mexican seeds,

brickweed. Yeah, but, so I was wondering

what that was like, so, you know, going into a dispensary and going to the expensive, you know what I mean? It's wild. Oh, my God.
Like the premium shit. The premium shit.
I think being a pothead now is much cooler than it was when I was young. And then just imagine never having anything for 17 years and taking that first hit.
Jesus. I mean, it was crazy.
You had to disappear for a little while. I remember I got high in Hawaii because I was shooting Magnum P.I.
And it took me from my hotel room to the restaurant. There was this 24 Pancake House.
It took me like an hour to get there and it it's two minutes away just like getting up and yeah because i hadn't been high in almost 20 years and right and you're just you know it just took me forever it's heavy it's heavy and i was laughing the whole time yeah hey let me let's explain go to club soon. Stop it, golf club.
Let me explain what's going on real fast. So we have a poster here that you can see behind us.
Look, thank you to the fans that wanted the shirts on the back of Rudy's chair or the shirts there. We had over 2,500 emails, entries to get the shirts, right? So we had a computer algorithm print out a random assortment of names that made it up to this level, right?

That was the only way to do it.

So there's about 200 and something names.

I don't even know how many names are up there.

And it's a target.

And who's on the target, Jules?

George.

George is.

And now George in this picture is what, Jules?

What is he there?

He's holding a gun.

But what would you assume he would be then?

He's a...

A target.

A target.

Yes.

He's a target because he's a bad guy, right?

Yeah.

So I figured the best way to do it, Bob, to get the shirts out to a fan's would be to

have Jules shoot at the target.

What do you think?

I love it.

I love the idea.

You think that's good?

I'm going to not be in the room.

No, we have to be in the room.

But I'd be in the back. We'll be behind her.
Yeah, because I'm not going to be here. All right, so do you want to shoot this now? Well, let's do it while we're here.
While you and I sit here? Yeah. You want her to shoot between us? Yeah.
Wait, on his head? Anywhere in the board. Well, just aim at him.
Are you brave enough? You want to do it? I mean, yeah. You're not going to kill us, are you? No.
Fuck, what if she hits one of us? I know, do you really think you can hit this without hurting us? Yeah. Okay.
You have to shoot it twice. Twice because we have to have two names.
Alright? Yeah. And then...
I know. Okay, close that.
Or come inside if you want. I just need to protect my face because I think she's going to shoot me in the face.

Okay, Jules, come here.

Get this gun and you're going to stand.

All right, so the safety's off, so be careful.

Okay?

The safety's off.

All you have to do is point forward and shoot it back up a little bit.

Let's get you backed up till there.

If you shoot me, I'm going to kick you out of the house.

Let me close my computer because I don't want to...

I'm going to shoot you.

Wait, okay, so hold on.

Hold on, Bob.

Okay, so it's going to bounce. You know that.
It's going to go behind. It's going to bounce and it might hit one of us anyway.
So are we good to go on that end? All right. I just want to protect my face because I don't want to get hit in the face.
All right. You ready, Jules? Yeah.
All right. Shoot.
Shoot once. Take a break.
And then shoot again. But I want you to say, because George, I want you to go, die, George.
And then die, George. Twice.
Is that cool? Die, George. Die, George.
Twice. All right, so are you ready, Andres? When you're ready, Jules, go ahead.
Die, George. Again.
Die, George. Did it get it? There's nothing there.
What do you mean? Where'd it go? Here, let me see the gun. There's nothing in there.

Just air came out.

Let me see.

Let me see.

Here, you're fine.

You're fine.

The clip was...

You hit this.

You can't...

This hits the clip out.

Don't put your hand on that.

The clip will fall out there if you go like that.

So don't put your thumb there.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

All right.

Holy shit.

All right, back up.

All right, here we go.

You ready?

Okay, go ahead.

Die, George.

Die, George.

Okay.

Where did we hit?

Where did we hit?

Nothing.

There's nothing.

How?

Give me the clip.

Let me see.

Let me see.

Go look.

Yeah, there's bullets in there.

But I saw something bounce.

How is there no holes in this?

Let me try it.

I'm going to shoot it.

I'm going to shoot it just to see where it goes over there.

Ready?

Close your eyes.

Close your eyes.

Yeah, the bullet just came out. You heard it bounce.
It never came out with her. All right come on.
Try it again. It never came out with her.
Alright, do it. Try it again.
It never came out with her. Alright, come on.
Here we go. Try it again.
Go ahead. Die, George, and do it.
Die, George. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Aim! Die, George.
Did you hit it? She doesn't know the aim. No.

It didn't go?

Do it again.

Do it again.

You have to go closer.

Get closer.

Get closer.

There you go.

Go ahead.

Die, George.

Die, George.

That one hit my head.

It's not hitting.

What do you mean?

It's bouncing.

No, it can't bounce.

No way.

Let me see. Let me try it.
Hold on. Let me try.
Yeah. Close your eyes.
Yeah. Yeah, that one went through.
Taylor Abilene. You see it? Taylor Abilene.
All right. Yeah, it also went there.
Oh, so there is two. Higgins.
Higgins. All right, so we have our two.
Trey Higgins and Taylor Abilene.

They get the shirt.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, so now I want you to just...

Here's what I want you to do now.

Just keep shooting it.

Just rapid fire at it.

Bop, bop, bop, because we have the two names now.

Now just keep shooting it.

Die, George.

Bop, bop, bop.

Over and over.

Just kill him.

Go ahead.

Keep going.

Die, George.

Die, George. Die, die, die, die, die, die.
Die, George. All right, good.
Yay! Very good. Rudy, come here.
Come back behind here. Go behind Bob.
You can. You want to shoot him? I think we need some more bullets.
Yeah, hold on. I need to get some more bullets.
It's okay, it's okay. Here, come here.
Go behind him and stand behind here and hold the gun so we can sign off. Yeah.
Hold the gun like this. I'll put the safety back on.
You know, like this, like you're hardcore. There you go.
Yeah. All right, here here we go and i want you to say it me and bobble just uh watch you say it proudly ready as loud as you can

thank you for being a bad friend yeah okay perfect Yeah. Woo.
Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.