The Yin and Yang of Earthquakes

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Speaker 2 Seriously, we're just going to wait until you do it. I'm not going to.
No, we're not going to do the show until you do it. I'm not going to talk until you do it.
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Speaker 2 We're not going to go then until you do it. Just fucking press the fuck.
Now. Press it.

Speaker 2 All right, well, relax. Sorry.
They're gonna do it. All right.

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 You two are something.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends.

Speaker 2 Hey.

Speaker 2 So I come in here today feeling so jolly and carefree, as they say. I understand.

Speaker 2 I walk in here and I see this little, nice little painting here. Yeah.
And this is me

Speaker 2 as a Chinaman. Are you Chinese in that?

Speaker 2 I don't know what he is, but I'm not, you know. Do you not know that's a Korean warrior? Okay, but I'm not.

Speaker 2 That's a hotu. Have you know, do you know what a hotu is? Yeah.
What are you there?

Speaker 2 An English dignitary? Yeah, exactly. I'm a pretty boy.

Speaker 2 Okay, you look regal in that. Yeah.
Like, like you run some shit. I'm royalty.
I'm carrying rice. To me, the royalty to eat.
I'm hungry. Yeah, but I live in Wuhan, right?

Speaker 2 And I have to carry it to England. That's right.

Speaker 2 90,000 pounds of rice on my hat. On your shoulder.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. But it's hand-drawn.
Hand-drawn by Jack Dragon. By a man by the name of Jack Hansby.
Yeah. Let me read the letter.
Read his letter. Let me read the letter.
Okay. Hi, Bobby.

Speaker 2 Love your stuff a lot. So I painted you a painting.
I hope you like it.

Speaker 2 If not.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 welcome to the podcast, Bad Friends. Welcome to the Bad Friends.
So we got Jackson. I didn't sleep good at all.
Same. You want to talk about it?

Speaker 2 Well, I want to talk about what I've been

Speaker 2 actually,

Speaker 2 and I have a lot of questions in life because what happened was,

Speaker 2 I'll just say this. During a couple of nights ago in L.A.,

Speaker 2 there was an earthquake at around 3.34 in the morning.

Speaker 2 I know.

Speaker 2 Let me just explain. Okay.

Speaker 2 And so the earthquake erupts, erupts. And I know what Juliana did.
Juliana, you probably slept right through it, right? Right. She slept right through it.

Speaker 2 I was already awake. The earthquake, I was playing this game on my iPad.
It's called

Speaker 2 Palace and Conquerors, or something like that.

Speaker 2 And earthquake happened, and I kind of looked up.

Speaker 2 It was over, and then I started playing my game again. Maybe I didn't stop playing.
I don't know.

Speaker 2 So some people react like that.

Speaker 2 There are those also. So I have a friend.

Speaker 2 I have a friend, right? You may or may not know him. But the earthquake happened and he went like, he woke up.
He was sleeping. He went, ooh, he went, he went,

Speaker 2 what's going on?

Speaker 3 Right?

Speaker 2 And blood rushed to his head, right?

Speaker 2 And that's a reaction of.

Speaker 2 Some people would call that cowardly.

Speaker 2 Some people would call that weak. I call it,

Speaker 2 he was just scared, surprised.

Speaker 2 So he goes, oh,

Speaker 2 and he goes to the bathroom because he has to take a fear shit.

Speaker 2 Now, a lot of white people, when they get scared, they take fear shits. And it's like, it's a combination of gas and diarrhea, right? Maybe a little bit of blood.
And so he took this little fear shit.

Speaker 2 And as he got up from the fear shit, he goes, he goes, oops. He goes, this is what he goes.
He goes, oops, I lose consciousness.

Speaker 2 And he hits his head, you know what I mean, on a cabinet and he almost gouches his eye out.

Speaker 2 And so, um, and then what happens is he goes, Wifey,

Speaker 2 wifey, I

Speaker 2 hurt.

Speaker 2 I got scared

Speaker 2 from

Speaker 2 From the earthquake. Right? Let's go to the...
They go, oh, they always go to the eye. This is almost as bad as your stand-up stand-up comedy that's how bad this bit is

Speaker 2 a bad bit yeah yeah you're a bad you're your whole life is a bad bit

Speaker 2 why are you so angry right now because you're you're you spent four minutes on a dog shit story it's not even

Speaker 2 to you i woke up that's what happened to you i had a couple of drinks why is he so angry today can i tell the real story

Speaker 2 i woke up

Speaker 2 i'm i'm having so it's joy stuff was breaking So I ran into the guest room. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I had woken up so fast that my equilibrium was off because i also had a couple drinks with my neighbor oh i didn't know that we'll throw in the details next time you call me you're not listening anyway bob you don't listen to me ever i need details like hemingway i need specific what the sunset looks like you can't just say sunset you gotta stay glowing red no hemingway said sunset made you figure it out you can figure out the rest in this case hemingway I had a couple of drinks.

Speaker 2 I woke up. I went to go hear what was breaking, see if the dog was okay.
And then when I walked back to the room, I lost my balance because the blood was rushing to my head.

Speaker 2 I got up so fast and the earthquake was still shaking that I sat on the hallway toilet in the bathroom

Speaker 2 to level myself. But I had flipped, my up and down had flipped so much, I blacked out.
I blacked out and I hit my head. Yeah.
And I busted my head. What's the difference? And I busted my head open.

Speaker 2 That's the story that I told and your story. You threw an unnecessary,

Speaker 2 you said coward, lie, not true. I wanted to make sure my dog and my house were were okay.

Speaker 2 You know what? You're right. Yeah, but stuff was breaking.
I got nervous. I thought, oh, my God.
First of all, I don't know. What if the TV fell on the dog? What if the TV fell on the dog? The dog.

Speaker 2 Meanwhile, you're playing.

Speaker 2 I'm 50. I like iPad games at 3 a.m.
You're in. Shut up.
Shut up.

Speaker 2 Shut up. Rudy, do you like your new painting? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I did. I went to the ER.
Honestly, no, but look, my eyes busted for the fans. Yeah.
And I went and got my skull and my noggin checked. And I went in an imaging machine.

Speaker 2 And I was scared because the only one they had was in Panorama City. You can Google it.
It's not nice.

Speaker 2 And I got nervous the whole time. So when it gets, let me just ask you.
And they sent back the results and they said, you're fine, but you have an overwhelming amount of stress in your blood level.

Speaker 2 Do you, by chance, work with a Korean man on a weekly basis? That's already. I said, yeah, I work with a little troll, a little booger-eating troll in a room in the valley.

Speaker 2 And they said, that could be part of the problem. Rudy, your painting is dope, though.
It's a really good painting. And the knife got hung up.
That's really nice. Let me ask you this question.

Speaker 2 Honestly, how tight is that painting? Hey, dear friend. Hey, baby.
Hey, dear friend. Yeah.
So, and this is an honest question. I'm not trying to be funny or facetious.

Speaker 2 Don't roll your eyes. Because I know it's coming.
No, it's not. You're going to make fun of me.

Speaker 2 I'm not going to make fun of you. I need questions answered.
Okay. All right.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So if you're walking down the street,

Speaker 2 let me finish my question.

Speaker 2 And there's a little wind. Do you go, tornado? I hit the deck.
And you hit the deck. I hit the deck.
Okay, that's all I wanted to ask. I freak out.
Right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I would love to see you in a real situation of fear. If you see...
You know what I'm going to do? What? I'm going to pay someone to come rob you guys with a real knife and a real gun. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to see who steps up to the plate. Not you.
You're not going to protect the girls. You have no idea.
You're a puss puss. You're a little puss-puss boy.
I am a puss puss.

Speaker 2 You're a puss-puss boy. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 You won't fight or protect. You're not a protector.
You either. Yes, I am.
That's why I joked up.

Speaker 2 No, that's not why you got up from the fucking thing. Why'd I get up? Because you didn't know what was going on.
No, I knew it was an earthquake. You got confused.
I woke up.

Speaker 2 I knew it's an earthquake. You got confused.
And I heard stuff crashing and I thought

Speaker 2 of the world. I thought, oh my God, what if you? What did the world? What if, what if, is the dog okay? Did something break? Is something heavy? Is everything okay? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 They should make, you know, they should remake me. This is you.
I smoke a cigarette. I play iPad.

Speaker 2 You little late night troll. You little late night booger.
Don't make fun of me, dude. I had to go to the hospital.
Okay?

Speaker 2 The hospital.

Speaker 2 I'm just saying they should remake certain movies about you. You should be the movie.
There is no movie about you. Yeah, like

Speaker 2 Armageddon. Speaking of,

Speaker 2 let me finish. Armageddon, part the remake.
The Earthquake Armageddon. No, no, no.
No, you're in it, right? Uh-huh. Asteroids coming, right?

Speaker 2 And then the credits roll down. Because nothing happens.
You're the hero of the story. Nothing happens.
The credits roll down, and everyone's in the movie theater they're going, I guess everyone dies.

Speaker 2 They've already made a movie about you. There we go.
Here we go. This is what I like about our relationship.
This.

Speaker 2 I miss this. They made several movies about you.

Speaker 2 I love you. What's Eating Gilbert Grape? You were fantastic in that.
Oh, I'm at the Leonardo DiCaprio. I am Sam.
You were very good in that. Oh, I see.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're saying that I'm the one who's Johnny Knoxville. What? No, the one with Johnny Knoxville.
That was about you, wasn't it? Were you trying to go to the Olympics? What's even eating Gilbert Grape?

Speaker 2 Am I the fat mother? Could be. No.
You're here. You're saying that I am.
You're here as much as you're anybody else in that movie. Yeah.
Yeah. I want my son.
That's you.

Speaker 2 You are the obese mother that they're going to have to remove from your video game layer in 20 years when you die of lack of movement. And the whole time you'll be yelling, I want my war zone.

Speaker 2 We played. We did play.
I'm terrible. I'm so bad,

Speaker 2 it's not even funny. Bobby would check in with me.

Speaker 2 Andrew, are you still okay? No, it was in, it was, it was fun to play with you because

Speaker 2 so bad. The first couple times you died, you didn't open up your parachute.

Speaker 2 Yeah, well, you have to learn how to jump. No one gave me the details.
I know. And then you jumped off a building and you didn't open up your parachute.
Well, three stories.

Speaker 2 I thought he could take the hit. Yeah, no, you didn't.
You broke your legs. We revived you.
You did. Well, no, you didn't.

Speaker 2 Josh did. Yeah, Josh Price.
Very good. He's phenomenal.
How good is that guy? He saved me six times and we won twice. I know.

Speaker 2 But first of all, you have to understand how difficult it is. I know.
I talked to some friends. Nobody wins.
We won. Nobody wins.
I know we won. So when it happened, I just didn't.

Speaker 2 But it was very joyous

Speaker 2 because you have a win in your column.

Speaker 2 Can you tell the fans one thing? Even though I didn't get credit for it, but

Speaker 2 they said it was true. I killed a guy.
You did. But I didn't get credit because what is it? It said it was.

Speaker 2 This is what happened. Yeah.
Okay. This is that.

Speaker 2 Somebody had hit the guy maybe a couple of times. Sure.
But you had the final elimination.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Right.
But because maybe that person got a little bit more damage than the guy,

Speaker 2 you didn't get the kill. But you will get kills.

Speaker 2 And I feel like because of your temperament and your aggressiveness, that you will get like five, six kills. I'm going to get it.
At some point. Do you like the game? I love it.
Can I show you a gift?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Somebody did something for you. A friend of a friend of a friend made you

Speaker 2 an operator.

Speaker 2 How cool is that? That's really cool. Isn't that cool? Yeah, they should have that operator.
So here's the thing.

Speaker 2 I think we should start some kind of petition to get your Bobby Lee operator on the game. Look, they do this with all other sports games.
I have friends that are in other video games. Yeah.

Speaker 2 How come you can't have an operator that's you in the game? And that looks good, too.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that looks good.

Speaker 2 There's already a Korean woman in the game. That's what this is.
No, that's the, they put my face on the Russian guy's body. On the Russian guy's body, but actually, that's, you know, this image.

Speaker 2 Do you remember this image? This is taken from an actual image. Oh, you know what that image is? Yeah, that's me, my first, second headshot at Mad TV.
That's exactly right.

Speaker 2 You shaved half of your head. Look how cute I am.
You were really cute. I was cute.
What happened to me? No, you look good now. Now it's just you're

Speaker 2 just you're you're you're there's different things that are cute about you that you didn't have back then like what your comedy confidence is better I think so. Yeah, much more.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're definitely more comfortable in your skin. There you go.
You

Speaker 2 I'm waiting for it. I don't know what else.
Are you waiting for me to be mean? Yeah. I'm not going to.

Speaker 2 It's a nice day today. Yeah.
I had perspective on life because I got out of the hospital feeling.

Speaker 2 Were you scared because of COVID and all that stuff? Yeah. Now, was the, you went to the ER, right? Yeah.
Now, were there people with obviously everyone's wearing a mask in the lobby?

Speaker 2 Yeah, they don't, you, they let you in one at a time. They let you in one at a time.
Are you sitting with anywhere near anybody else? Nope. Nope.
And are there people there for COVID?

Speaker 2 When I went, no.

Speaker 2 They tell you, which is crazy. They go, do you or anyone you know in your household have had COVID symptoms or have had COVID itself diagnosed? No.
Okay.

Speaker 2 They say, today, we have not had any COVID patients, but we're required to tell you if we've had anyone come in here with COVID. I said, oh, okay.

Speaker 2 They immediately took me in an isolated room, met with a doctor, told her my symptoms. She was very cool.
She did a post-concussion test. Are you wearing a mask at the whole time?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, you have to. And gloves and face shield.
Wow.

Speaker 2 They did a post-concuss test to make sure i'm not i didn't have concussion

Speaker 2 and then she did a bunch of blood work tons of blood work you could have your eye out man i missed i met it's actually the cut is actually on my if you when you get close to me you can see the cut hits my eyelid so i actually missed my eye by this much my god blacked out yeah blacked out and she she was like

Speaker 2 just confused on the angle Because I was like, oh, my neck hurts so I can't move my neck this much.

Speaker 2 She was wondering how I hit the floor because that's what she was worried about, what part of my head hit first.

Speaker 2 When I went for the CAT scan, that's when I started to get emotional because I got nervous. I was like, oh, my God, what if something happened? But I'm fine.

Speaker 2 It's an okay day, and I'm back with you, and I feel good. Yeah, I go to the hospital.

Speaker 2 Over the last.

Speaker 2 But I was nervous. I'm not going to be able to do that.
I've been in the CR so many times. It's scary.
Because of Kalila. Well, because she has a life-threatening condition.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she has a heart condition.

Speaker 2 So I have been to the hospital many, many times. She's never had a stroke, has she? No.
What? What do you mean? People have mini-strokes. No, she's not going to have no stroke.

Speaker 2 Do you know what a stroke is? My dad died from one. Yeah, I do.
So what is it?

Speaker 2 He has high blood pressure, and

Speaker 2 his veins and his brain, all the veins that lead up to his brain, are clogged. And the blood can't get to the brain, right? And then

Speaker 2 your brain needs oxygen and blood. It starts where, though? What? Where does this all start from the heart? From the heart.
Yeah. So my question was valid.

Speaker 2 I was trying to be nice to you.

Speaker 2 And now you're not going to be? No, I was trying to be nice, but that's my pet peeve when people go treat me like, I think you really think that I have some sort of mental deficiency.

Speaker 2 Do you know what a stroke is? Explain it to me. Yeah, because I know you don't know.
I do know. My dad died from one.
If your dad didn't die from it, you wouldn't know.

Speaker 2 Did you know what a stroke was before your dad died a stroke? Yeah, of course I know what a fucking stroke is. I don't know.
You don't know much.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of stuff you don't know, Bob.

Speaker 2 Go ahead. Let it out.
No, this is retaliation for you being mean to me up top about my injury. I was

Speaker 2 bro, bro. I can't wait till you pass out and get hurt.

Speaker 2 And I laugh. Bro, hey, bro, man.
Hey, bro. Hey, bro.
Hey, bro, man. Are you selling me a car? Hey, bro.

Speaker 2 White people.

Speaker 2 I don't have a lot of friends. I know.

Speaker 2 You know this, right? Julietta knows this. I don't have a lot.
I don't talk to a lot of people. Yes.

Speaker 2 And I have,

Speaker 2 you know, maybe four friends. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You're a part of that infrastructure

Speaker 2 of friendship.

Speaker 2 It's very difficult to get into that kingdom.

Speaker 2 You know, the kingdom is closed for

Speaker 2 enlightened hierarchy. Do you think it's because most people don't want to get in that kingdom anymore? There's other ones available? Maybe.

Speaker 2 But I still have a very strict dress code. You have a strict code.
In my kingdom code,

Speaker 2 also, you know, philosophical code. Okay.
Okay. So it's like, just imagine me being a kingdom, right? You being

Speaker 2 a king?

Speaker 2 I'm a king. You're a king.
And there's a gate. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And people walk up, knock, knock, knock. Hello?

Speaker 2 Can I be Bobby's friend? Yeah. And then there's, you have to go into a room, you take a test.
What's the test? Oh, there's a million.

Speaker 2 There's 10 questions, pretty much.

Speaker 2 There's 10 questions. What are they?

Speaker 2 Do you know what?

Speaker 2 The first question is Chicago pizza or Detroit pizza? Chicago. There we go.
So that's number one. So I passed.
Yeah, you passed number one. Okay.

Speaker 2 Number two, it's Rolling Stones or the Beatles? Neither. Trick question.
That's exactly what it is. Exactly what it is.
All right.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Number three,

Speaker 2 what is the most important area of the genitalia? The asshole, the taint,

Speaker 2 or the head of the penis? There's another quick question. It's all the above.
Exactly.

Speaker 2 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 The kingdom is exclusive. Yeah, it's very exclusive.
Well, I'm glad I'm your friend. Well, there's also physical challenges.
I'll kiss you. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you know what's so funny is one of the first times that we ever like started to talk to each other in friendly conversation,

Speaker 2 you would kiss me.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you're the first guy that I would go, even on stage, after we've done it a number of times, where Andrew's brought me up or I brought him up, and I look in front of a packed room.

Speaker 2 A couple hundred people. I'll look at Andrew.
He'll bring me up. Bobby Lee, and I'll cross paths and I'll go, and you'll just go, I'll know better, and you'll kiss on my lips.

Speaker 2 I gotta kiss you, and people will laugh, and I go, and I don't even say anything about it. You just walk right over there because that's called, he's in part of my kingdom.
I'm in the kingdom, right?

Speaker 2 And so, when I play Warzone, some of these kids I play with, they want to desperately get in.

Speaker 2 The ones that are in there are so good. There's a husband and wife combination that we played with,

Speaker 2 and they're both phenomenal. Phenomenal, yeah.
I don't know who's better, her or him. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, I don't know because I'm not smart with that stuff, but they're very good.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but they're all bad friends fans. No, you're right, right, right.

Speaker 2 I mean, they are, you should imagine, imagine, honestly,

Speaker 2 if you wanted to play the game and I'm not around,

Speaker 2 right? Literally,

Speaker 2 I mean, there's so many, what you do is this. What I did was like, who can carry me?

Speaker 2 That's the question. So when people message me on PlayStation, people will go, I'm okay at it.
Right. You're out.
Yeah, you need to be very good. There are people like Raymie and Josh Price and Guzz.

Speaker 2 I'm probably one of the best out there. I'm a tournament.
I mean,

Speaker 2 I was a professional COD player two years ago. I was ranked, you know what I mean, 123 in the world or whatever.
Can they make money at that?

Speaker 2 I mean, there's a guy, I don't know what his name is, but he makes what, $5 million a week playing video games.

Speaker 2 A week? Something like that. Yeah, yeah.
What? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you know about this stuff, Rude? No.

Speaker 2 And here's this. Because you're a comedian and because I'm bad, I honestly think that if we started a Twitch, a Bad Friends, and we played once a week for like five or six hours, we could make money.

Speaker 2 Five million dollars? Not five million dollars, a couple grand. Is that guy good? Who? The $5 million guy or people just like to watch.

Speaker 2 There's a guy out there that makes so much money that maybe like $100 million a year or something. On just playing? Yeah.
And he's really good. We picked the wrong fucking career.
I should have.

Speaker 2 No, because there are people in our

Speaker 2 thing that make a lot of money as well. Only a few.
Bro. Nobody in our

Speaker 2 who's making $100 million in our agenda. Josh.
No, Josh. Josh Rogan.
Josh Rogan? Joe Rogan. Does Josh Rogan make a hundred million? Joe Rogan, how much does he make? He makes a lot.

Speaker 2 He doesn't make $100 million in comedy. No way.
Not even close. Yeah, but his Spotify deal was.
Different thing. That's a podcaster.
That's what we are. We're podcasters.

Speaker 2 We're podcasters now. We can't do it.
Dashaman Escalco makes millions of dollars. Sure, not 100 million.

Speaker 2 I want to show you something. This is why we're good friends.
Somebody made this. But let me make a point real quick before you even do that.

Speaker 2 oh it's like the aha yeah

Speaker 2 video

Speaker 2 just a nice loop of us

Speaker 2 Bobby and Andrew scoop into the hallway they're in love

Speaker 2 they're in love

Speaker 2 Bobby and Andrew scoop into the hallways

Speaker 2 give me a hug

Speaker 2 now your turn go

Speaker 2 Andrew is

Speaker 2 I'm holding on to him. We might fall over because there's an earthquake happening.

Speaker 2 I could die because I'm clinging on to a coward.

Speaker 2 A fucking coward, but pussy, he don't know nothing.

Speaker 2 You like that? Such a little dick. What, you said the cat on? You did.
You did. You added on.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Tito, Andrew. Um, Andreas wants to call you.

Speaker 2 He wants to call me now? Yeah. Okay.
All right, let's call this guy.

Speaker 2 I want you to say that again. Wait, wait, stop for a second.
Say that again.

Speaker 2 Say what?

Speaker 4 Say it again. Tito Andrew, Andreas wants to call you.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Say it again.

Speaker 4 Tito Andrew, Andreas wants to call you.

Speaker 2 Oh, thank you. And if you don't do that from now on, they made a compilation of that.
Yeah, we do. We have a compilation of you not getting to the mic.
Get closer to the mic.

Speaker 2 It does, I know, because it's too far away.

Speaker 2 Hello? Hello.

Speaker 2 Hi. Hi, sweetheart.
Hi.

Speaker 2 Hi, Matthew.

Speaker 2 What's up? Did you want to talk?

Speaker 5 Well, yeah, after our talk last, well, after your show last week, and I saw you guys talk about fashion.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 3 so.

Speaker 5 I bought you guys something. I have a gift for you.
Rudy has it.

Speaker 5 Rudy, can you give it to them? Yeah.

Speaker 5 And I decided to share a little bit of like a style with you guys.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Thank you.
Did you really buy us a gift? Incredible.

Speaker 3 Yes, I did.

Speaker 2 You don't need a sanitizer?

Speaker 3 I did sanitize it.

Speaker 2 He sanitized it already. Oh, my God, Andreas.
Oh, Andreas. This is like one of his European.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God, Andres, these are the European shirts. These are the European shirts.
Oh,

Speaker 2 it's by design. Look at how...
No, it's not. Do you want to wear it? Yeah.
Let's wear it from now on. What is it? This is called Desidual? Desidual? Yeah.

Speaker 3 Oh, dude. Desijual.

Speaker 2 Oh, wait. Say it again.
How do you say it in your language?

Speaker 2 Decewal.

Speaker 2 This is so nice.

Speaker 2 Well, can we show?

Speaker 2 Look at how unnecessary. Look at this.
So this is the best part. Where is this from?

Speaker 2 What country is this?

Speaker 2 This is from Spain. So, in Spain, look at this.
This is so Spanish clothing. First of all, Bobby has two shirts that they just made into one,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 And then, so, this is what they do. Look at what they do all the time, Bobby.

Speaker 2 84. So, they took football numbers and put it on a T on a shirt.
Yeah. And it's down here again,

Speaker 2 just in case. And look at what it says here: Love the world, love, love, love.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 This is so nice, Andres. Positive energy.
Thank you. Positive energy.

Speaker 2 Thank you so much. Andres, this is

Speaker 2 I have a fancy dish rack now.

Speaker 2 I'm going to wear it. I'm going to wear it.
I love it. It actually looks good.
That's actually a cool shirt. Yeah.
It's a little too small. What size did you get, Bobby?

Speaker 3 I think I, I mean, a nail,

Speaker 5 but it's a European nail.

Speaker 2 It's a European one.

Speaker 2 It's not small then. It's a little tight.
Rudy, is his shirt a little tight?

Speaker 4 I think it's fine. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Well, that's because she has residency at your house. Yeah.
Thank you so much, Andreas. We will get you a gift, too.

Speaker 3 One day. Oh, no, that's good.

Speaker 2 No, I really like it. Thank you so much, brother.

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay, thank you.

Speaker 3 Bye-bye. Bye, guys.

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 we've got our Spanish shirts on.

Speaker 2 Do you like it?

Speaker 2 It's not really that Spanish. It looks like somebody that a homeless person in Bangladesh would wear it.
You know what I mean? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, it has this third world quality, which I love third-world wear, but, you know,

Speaker 2 it just feels like it's just patched together. You can buy this on the streets of Calcutta.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Meanwhile, I think he told.

Speaker 2 Like, you're, you're, if you're with a prostitute in Calcutta. You need to get an issue.
No, no, no. And you, and you, you, like, come on the wall.
She gives you this to clean it off.

Speaker 2 I was gonna say, if you got one in Calcutta and you had a t-shirt on, she's like, You can't come in unless you have a collared shirt. Go buy a $3 prostitute.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's what it is.

Speaker 2 This is a Calcutta $3 prostitute shirt. And then you go to the store, right? It's $3, and you almost contemplate not even getting it and saying, fuck it.

Speaker 2 And you're like, oh, God, I don't even want to. Do I have to wear that inside? Yeah.
Rudy,

Speaker 2 who's better?

Speaker 2 And rank it. When I say better, I mean, which one do you hate the most? Okay.

Speaker 4 I think.

Speaker 2 They're both pretty bad.

Speaker 4 I think yours.

Speaker 2 This is pretty bad. Excuse me, say it in the mic.

Speaker 4 I think it's Tito Andrews.

Speaker 2 Is the worst? Yeah. It's pretty bad.
Yeah. It's got football numbers on it right here and up here.
Yeah, yours is pretty bad.

Speaker 2 But yours is just... Honestly, it's just two shirts.
They threw away two shirts. Yeah.
It's a left side of some guy's shirt and a left guide of a dead guy's shirt.

Speaker 2 But honestly, if I wore this in any kind of like

Speaker 2 business meeting,

Speaker 2 and especially if I met people for the very first time,

Speaker 2 I'm probably not going to get the job. They'd ask you to leave.
Well,

Speaker 2 I don't think they would ask me to leave, but they would just be like, you know, when, you know, during the audition or whatever, they would do the smile, but they would just be so distracted by.

Speaker 2 They go.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Can we ask you something? Yeah.

Speaker 2 The shirt. Why did you choose? Is it because of the character?

Speaker 2 Was it character in the shirt? No,

Speaker 2 I wear this. That's your shirt.
Yeah,

Speaker 2 I get this in the Spain. Oh.

Speaker 2 Is there.

Speaker 2 It's a good skit from e-design design. My friend.
Honestly, it looks terrible. And genuinely, it doesn't do you any favors.

Speaker 2 And if it's not part of the character, I don't know why you wore that to the audition today.

Speaker 2 It's loud, it's distracting, it doesn't make any sense. Well, as a guesting director, you should use your imagination.

Speaker 2 My imagination is saying that I can't see you in any other normal clothes because you have a really bad, stupid shirt on right now. But if I get the job, my acting skills are good.

Speaker 2 The job is not going to happen. There's no chance we're going to give you the job.
Yeah, but you're the word of the child. There's no chance.
You'll never get the job. Bye-bye.

Speaker 2 You'll never get the job. Bye-bye.
Bye.

Speaker 2 Don't you miss going to bad auditions, by the way? Oh, my God. I miss going and bombing auditions.
I miss saying no.

Speaker 2 I miss bombing auditions. I miss saying I can't do it or making some excuse.
It was so funny because there was a three-year period where I would make excuses. It's just too hot.

Speaker 2 I know, I got to take it off. I got to take it off.
It's the worst. It's bad.
It's very bad. Thank you, Andres.
Thank you. We'll keep it here.
We'll keep it here.

Speaker 2 How much are these? Honestly,

Speaker 2 I think they're expensive. No, you got to be real.
How about this? You know what we should do?

Speaker 2 Hey, if any bad friends are out there, why don't you guys email us

Speaker 2 and we'll sign them and send them to you, whoever we will randomly pick. Yeah.
We'll randomly pick who gets the shirts and we'll sign them and we'll mail you

Speaker 2 the fancy B-shirts. You got to do more than sign it, though.
Well, we'll write a message in it or something. I don't know if you can really sign those.
That'd be hard.

Speaker 2 We'll sign a bad friend's picture for you, but email us. Why don't you guys email us why you think you deserve the shirt? Yeah, and do it at bad friendsmail at gmail.com.
Bad friendsmail at gmail.com.

Speaker 2 We'll send somebody those beautiful Andres De Siku shirts. Oh, it's so funny.

Speaker 2 So when I was driving over here, my manager had texted me and she goes, Improv is doing some summer drive-ins in Irvine. Do you want to do 8.15 or 8.29? Watch what?

Speaker 2 That's like saying,

Speaker 2 watch, that's like saying,

Speaker 2 like saying,

Speaker 2 hey,

Speaker 2 next week.

Speaker 2 Are you typing this to your manager? Yeah. So, so she said that.
Hey, that's like saying, hey, next week,

Speaker 2 can you

Speaker 2 eat a bucket

Speaker 2 of broken glass?

Speaker 2 8.15 or 829. Yeah, yeah, yeah, 8.15.

Speaker 2 8.15. Pick a day.
Yeah, 8.15

Speaker 2 or

Speaker 2 829.

Speaker 2 You want to write one?

Speaker 2 Yeah. All right.

Speaker 2 I'll say, or,

Speaker 2 hey.

Speaker 2 Hey. Hey.
Next week. Next week.
Next week.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Do you have time in your schedule? Do you have time? Wait, do you have time? Do you have time? Just say, do you have time? Time.

Speaker 2 Two. To

Speaker 2 visit this. visit

Speaker 2 this

Speaker 2 AIDS prison

Speaker 2 AIDS prison

Speaker 2 or 829. That's going to be an absurd AIDS prison in Haiti.
AIDS

Speaker 2 in Haiti. 815 or 829.
Haiti. 8.15 or 829.
Is she going to be pissed off? I don't give a shit because that is the most ridiculous.

Speaker 2 But there are people that probably go, yeah, I'll do it. Does she have fun with you like that? Does she ever joke back? No, she's gonna go,

Speaker 2 she'll say something like a simple no would suffice. Oh, so you don't have this kind of rapport with her? I just sent it anyway

Speaker 2 if you don't have that kind of rapport, I don't understand.

Speaker 2 Can you can

Speaker 2 bucket a booklet or hey, next week, do you have time to visit this AIDS prison in Haiti, 815 or 820? This is great.

Speaker 2 It's so mean. I've got an offer saying, What if she fired you because of that? She's like, I don't want to work with you anymore.
Bro, bro, and I want to

Speaker 2 say this:

Speaker 2 I love Abby. My manager, Abby, I've been with her since I was an open micer.
A long time? Yeah. 20 years ago.
Longer. 25 years ago.

Speaker 2 And she used to, when I couldn't pay rent or pay phone bills or anything like that, she would pay it. That's huge.

Speaker 2 And she would always look at me and she goes, I honestly, because at that time she had two producers that she was managing. She was managing Steve Scrovan, who did Everybody Loves Raymond.
Wow.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 Warren Hutchinson, who was doing

Speaker 2 executive producing with the Bernie Mac show. So she was making pretty good money.
R.I.P. Right.

Speaker 2 So she would just pay my shit, and she'd just be like, I know for a fact that you're going to work one day and pay me back. And you did.
And so when

Speaker 2 things started rolling and the bigger management companies were going, you know, the big ones, were going, hey, we want to sign you.

Speaker 2 trust me, tempted, right? You said no, but I would never leave her. Wow.
What is she? Who's she with? She's just

Speaker 2 independent. She's a woman that just lives in Venice.
Right. And she just has her, she works out of her house.

Speaker 2 You've met her. She's been to the house.
And she's just a sweet, you know. That's really nice.
You stuck with her. My first manager was not the same case.
Who was your first? I noticed.

Speaker 2 This dude is not around anymore. Oh, yeah.
I mean, as far as I know, I don't know what he's doing, but he would, you know, he kind of like coerced me into

Speaker 2 his company. I didn't even know if I wanted to be represented because I was like, I don't know, what does he do? I don't really know if he has any, does he really put you out on stuff?

Speaker 2 And I landed a job

Speaker 2 and I had to pay him

Speaker 2 for, I don't even think he, I don't know if he got it for me or someone got it for me and I had to pay him anyway.

Speaker 2 But he would make me drive his checks to his house or he'd stop by my place and pick up checks. And he'd come by with his girlfriend sometimes.
And it bothered me so much.

Speaker 2 It was so gross and weird that the second season when we got picked picked up it was a hosting job that i made them renegotiate the contract so i didn't have a manager i didn't have anybody and he said and he said he was going to sue me he goes i'm going to sue you for the sunset clause i didn't know what that was yeah yeah and i said you better sue yeah you better sue me for the sunset clause i'll see you back yeah and he said he's gonna sue me for for the uh for the payment on the next year of that show it's it's funny and i wasn't making any money it was an internet thing yeah it's like it's super petty it's funny how people bamboozle you early on when you don't know much.

Speaker 2 Well, you don't know any better. I know anybody.
I'm so stupid and vulnerable, and I just thought, I guess if you can get me in. Yeah.
But the job I landed, I'll never forget.

Speaker 2 You know who was in that room? Sklar Brothers.

Speaker 2 What's the guy who hosts?

Speaker 2 Not Ben Bailey. Not Cash Cab.
The other guy that hosts everything like that. We know him.
He's a comic.

Speaker 2 Matt Eisman. You not remember him? Love him.
No, you don't know him? He does like

Speaker 2 Wipeout on. Oh, yeah, yeah, Mac, Matt, Matt.
Matt,

Speaker 2 and then another big name. And I remember walking into the room and going,

Speaker 2 I'm 23. I'm brand new.
Nobody here knows me. I'll never, ever get this job.
There's literally no chance. These are all guys that have hosted stuff I've seen before.

Speaker 2 She literally goes, Pam Fraser, shout out. I don't know where she is now.
She goes, honey, you funny. You funny, but you're not good at hosting.
And I was like, oh, okay. I've never done it before.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I'm just a comedian.
Yeah. She goes, we go figure something out.
Two days later, she calls me back. She goes, come back in.
They want to see how funny you are. So I went in there.

Speaker 2 I just told jokes live on camera in a green screen room. I didn't even think, I thought this was just maybe to just let them know me.
And they gave me the job.

Speaker 2 I hate like weird shit like, you know, Johnny Sanchez? Yeah. So Johnny Sanchez and I auditioned for this Mountain Dew commercial.
Yeah. And so it was a callback.
Right.

Speaker 2 So four people would go in at a time. Yeah.
And then another four. So they were going to pick three out of, you know what I mean, the eight that went in.

Speaker 2 So they go, all right, everyone back in the room. So we all came in the back of the room.
And some white dude just walks up to me and goes, in, in, in, out, out, out, out, out.

Speaker 2 And I'm, and then Johnny, we were the ones that are out. Yeah.
And Johnny and I are like, you could just sit that in the hallway. Yeah, you didn't do that in front of me.
Why'd you call everyone in

Speaker 2 to go out? Out.

Speaker 2 Yeah. What do we say about the Korean guy? Out.
Yeah. But what people don't realize is that, like, we had spent three, we had gone back there the third, two or three times

Speaker 2 parking in Santa Monica, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah. It takes hours to get there if you don't know LA traffic.
Forever. And then you can't find parking anywhere.
No. Right.
So you're going to get a ticket.

Speaker 2 And you're stressed out because you're never going to make it. You're never going to.
Yeah. And then you spent all these hours doing it just so that somebody go out to your fucking face.
In, in,

Speaker 2 out. Yeah.
And looks at it and points at you like you're a like. Yeah, I've been in before.
Right. And when they say in, the best.
I look at the outs and go,

Speaker 2 loser. I would do that.

Speaker 2 Bye.

Speaker 2 Take it easy.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Is it what's the best? When you got a call, what was the best job you got when you were? That one. That little, that one.
That one that I got. That's the most exciting job you've ever had.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you know why? Why? Because it got me. That's the, I quit my day job that day.

Speaker 2 It was the day I got to finally never work in a day job again. I hung up the phone.
I ran down the stairs and I ran on mid-Wilshire. I can't make this up.

Speaker 2 From the E building where that is, that's where I used to work across the street. All the way down, all the way down to Vineland.
No, sorry, to

Speaker 2 whatever. Los Phillies Boulevard, whatever that is.
Yeah, Los Phillies Boulevard, right there. Highland.
No, no, Hillhurst, whatever.

Speaker 2 Ran all the way down, sat there, realizing I just ran out of the office, smiling, laughing. Oh, such ugly.
It was like the greatest. Oh, the best.
I just ran.

Speaker 2 I ran.

Speaker 2 Felt so good. I never stopped running.
I just ran and ran. And then I called my mom, and I was like, I'm never going to have to work a job ever again.
I'm not going to have to worry. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 That joy. It felt so real.
Can I tell you my best friend? Yeah, what is it?

Speaker 2 So I get a call from Sasha Baron Cohen's people that they want to do a table read for the movie The Dictator.

Speaker 2 Right. And I go, table read?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I mean, they're just calling every comic and actor. You're not going to get the part.
Thanks. Yeah, but so I show up.

Speaker 2 And it's one of those things where you don't read it and you go, it's just going to be in an office. Who gives a shit? But then you show up and you realize, oh, there's an audience.
Yeah. Right.

Speaker 2 So we're all on stage.

Speaker 2 And if you look at the audio, I'm not kidding you. Larry David, Gary Shandling, Judd Appatow,

Speaker 2 everybody. Just taking notes.
Yeah, they're all taking notes.

Speaker 2 Everyone in the industry. And I'm sitting there with Nick Croll was there, Renazizzi, just a bunch of fucking people.

Speaker 2 Everyone has a part.

Speaker 2 And I'm just playing the part that I played in the movie.

Speaker 2 Right? Yeah. So I just do it.
And

Speaker 2 I leave.

Speaker 2 This is probably the greatest moment in show business.

Speaker 2 So Larry Charles, who directed the movie, Gary Shandling, Sasha, they're all like sitting on this patio outside these two doors when people are walking out. And they're talking.

Speaker 2 And I walk by them and Gary goes, Gary Shandling goes, stop, you, kid, stop. And I go, what, what, what, what?

Speaker 2 And he turns to them and goes, you should give that guy that part. That guy killed it.
Wow.

Speaker 2 And I go, oh, I just, you know, yeah, you tried to play humble.

Speaker 2 I don't know. I was, yeah, I just if it works, it works.

Speaker 2 Right, right, right. And I remember I got in the car, tears.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Tears. People don't realize that something like that, because I was, you know, I feel like a loser all the time.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 No, being real.

Speaker 2 No, no, I'm saying, yeah, yeah you yeah you get defeated yeah you just feel like a loser that nobody wants you that you're never gonna really make it right and so when you get a simple yes like that yeah it means a lot right you can start you start fantasizing too and dreaming right gary and i are gonna hang out yeah yeah never sell them again but you know what i mean

Speaker 2 and just tears and you're just like you know and i i want one of those wins

Speaker 2 Right, I've had better like when Larry David hired me for curb that was huge. Yeah, that made me feel how you just felt.
Like, oh my God, I made Larry David laugh. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But the reason that that first job meant so much to me is because I finally could quit my day job. And I finally got to be a comic.

Speaker 2 From then, I was a kid who worked at a desk and then at night of day comedy, but couldn't take off. She didn't, they didn't let me leave.
I had to work this job to pay rent. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Mommy and Daddy weren't going to pay my rent. So I just didn't have a choice.
But it's like that with first love, too.

Speaker 2 Definitely.

Speaker 2 Right. When you

Speaker 2 have a crush on somebody

Speaker 2 and they don't reciprocate, right?

Speaker 2 And you know what I mean? The 24-hour every day just thinking about them and just being emotionally just cruel. Well, then you go, I don't deserve them.
I guess I'm too ugly. And Stu.

Speaker 2 Have you ever asked someone to a dance and they said no? Oh, so many times. Boom.
Yeah. It's broke my soul.
Honestly, a girl that, quite frankly, I was like, you're not even that hot.

Speaker 2 I brought a girl to prom. Yeah.
And I brought her there. I never saw her again.

Speaker 2 I was her Uber driver. Oh, wow.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 We drove. It was a white girl.
I have the fucking prom photo at home. Blonde hair.
Yeah. She's like,

Speaker 2 she just walks out. Thanks.
Bye. I'm going to go hang with my friends.
Well, she just knows she didn't even say that. Thanks.
Closed the door. And she just went into the prom.
And I'm in the car.

Speaker 2 Stacey, how'd you get here? That weird Korean guy dropped me off. Yeah.
He thought he liked you. You looking like it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's so mean.
It's so mean.

Speaker 2 I asked a girl to go to a dance, and she said, I think I'm waiting for someone else to ask me. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I was like, ow and i picked her because i thought it'd be easier i'm like she's not even that good looking she just texts back my manager uh-uh

Speaker 2 okay

Speaker 2 she goes

Speaker 2 i was just asking because some people are just dying to get out there no pun intended and they're doing these drive-ins i agree with you that it's not worth it but i had to ask i don't think there's an aids prison in haiti there's two of them there's two of them there's two of them there's two there's two of them wait can i by the way i don't know if i've i've said this before do you know what my my claim to fame of going to a dance with someone in high school was?

Speaker 2 I went with, do you remember Brett Michaels had a reality show called Rock of Love where he picked

Speaker 2 it vaguely, yeah. Okay, the girl that won the first season

Speaker 2 was a friend of mine in high school, and we went to a dance together, and my mom sent me a picture.

Speaker 2 She goes, she was sorting out all the pictures. She goes, who is this girl? I'll show you who she is.
Yeah. This is her.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I went to Prime,

Speaker 2 we went to a dance together. I don't know which dance we went to, but this

Speaker 2 she was more of this blonde look when we were in in high school together. This was when she got on TV with Brett Michaels.
She did the rock and roll pink hair. Yeah.
She was a super fucking cool girl.

Speaker 2 Love it. She seems cool.
She was dope as fuck. But we went to a dance together and she was a mega babe.
And then she was the first person that I knew in my group of friends that like made it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, exactly. I was like, whoa, she made it.
She's up with Brett Michaels?

Speaker 2 I was blown away. I was like, holy shit.
What is she? A billionaire now? Yeah. Was she worth $8 billion?

Speaker 2 But it was a reality show that

Speaker 2 I didn't even understand. I didn't know what it was.
I was like, oh, what did she win? I don't know. You know who Darren Carter is? Come on.

Speaker 2 The party starter? So there's a comedy. Of course I know who he is.
Darren Carter. He's a redhead as well.
And they call him Darren Carter, the party starter. He calls him that.
He calls himself that.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Right, he does.

Speaker 2 So when I was an open micer in San Diego, he was a doorman at the comedy store in La Jolla. He was? Yes, he was.
I didn't know he worked La Jolla. He lived in San Diego.
I do know that.

Speaker 2 I didn't know he worked La Jolla. Yeah, he did.
So he was a doorman there, right? And he brought me to this coffee shop to do an open mic. And I always thought he was a nice guy.

Speaker 2 He's very nice so much. I still like him.
So he moves to LA. I'm still down there, right? And I'm watching some CW or Warner Brothers show, right?

Speaker 2 And he has a line. I watched some random sitcom, and the doorbell rings, some guy answers it, and Darren Carter's there going, Pizza.
And they go, Yeah, thanks. And the door closes.

Speaker 2 For a week, I couldn't sleep. Why? I know that guy.

Speaker 2 I know Darren.

Speaker 2 Oh my God.

Speaker 2 Losing your mind.

Speaker 2 Telling people around. He's famous.

Speaker 2 You know the guy that was at the fucking doorman at the fucking La Joya Commons store? I know him. I know him.

Speaker 2 Like bragging about him. He's the pizza guy on the CW.
Yeah, yeah. And then when I saw him again, I got nervous.

Speaker 2 How's LA treating you?

Speaker 2 i hear you're doing good good good good things right and he was just like what the is wrong with you i have one line in a cw oh yeah yeah mr humble over here when is your emmy come in the mail

Speaker 2 dude my dad embarrassed me so much the first time i so the first time i ever saw a famous person was in downtown chicago when i was a kid at an ice cream store and it was the mom from um the mom from uh uh uh Fred Savage show.

Speaker 2 What's wrong with me? Yeah. What can I think of it?

Speaker 2 What's wrong with Wonder Years? Wonder Years, yeah. And she signed a napkin for me.
That was the first time, the second time I ever saw someone famous. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I didn't want to say hi because I thought he was so Tom Selleck in the airport. Whoa.
Check this out. My dad.
I go, Dad, it's Tom Selick. And he goes, Where?

Speaker 2 Right there, right there. Like, right, like, right, you know, like 20 feet away.
Yeah. And he goes, holy shit, Tom Selleck.

Speaker 2 No. Tom Selleck turns and he goes, What's up? And Tom Selick goes, Hello.
And my dad goes, Right on.

Speaker 2 no it's like so i was i'm already orange yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah glowing i was like why would you do that to tom seller

Speaker 2 why would you say hello

Speaker 2 i know you idiot you because now what you do is i could i still get like that with people yeah but if i if i'm in an airport and i see them then i become an extra like i don't know what it is my defense mechanisms mechanisms come out yeah so i'm not like that i could become more douchey almost well because you don't know how to act sometimes.

Speaker 2 Yeah, because they'll come up to me.

Speaker 2 I could be a huge fan. Yeah.
And they're going to be like, what's up? And I could be like, hey.

Speaker 2 But meanwhile, I would suck that guy's dick.

Speaker 2 Meanwhile, you know, you're just pretending inside. Right.
Yeah. Because you just, you don't know how to act.
I don't know how to act.

Speaker 2 And it's only because you, if I don't admire someone, if I don't think they're amazing, if I'm not like, whoa, that guy or that girl is so good at what they do, if I just see someone that's famous, I usually just, you know.

Speaker 2 Okay, whatever. Yeah.
But if I like them, then I get my brain changes. Oh, my God.
If I'm like, oh, fuck, I really think they're good at what they do.

Speaker 2 Like when Sebastian, Manascalco, I kept asking him because when he was in that Irishman,

Speaker 2 he was saying one night he said that Joe Pecci,

Speaker 2 like after they were done shooting a scene, goes, hey, come to my trailer. I have a chef.
I'll cook your meal.

Speaker 2 And Sebastian's like, all right. He shows up.
It's like a full-blown chef. Yeah, like a real chef.
He's in Joe Pecci's trailer eating a steak right and in my head i'm like

Speaker 2 wow you know that's how they live that's how they live and then like he was saying that you know when he worked with da naro da naro was just like hey i heard you're doing great things in the comedy business and gave him a hug oh right cool like those little moments yeah i don't know if i would be able i think i would just melt yeah i do when i was walking from set to lunch with larry david I had nothing good to say.

Speaker 2 I love that guy, by the way. What a nice guy.
I had nothing good to say. So I was nervous.
I was nervous.

Speaker 2 I never get nervous yeah but it's larry it's different you know what i mean it's like he's the one he's the one so i'm walking to lunch with him and i'm silent and he's like uh you had to good you did good in the scene i was like oh thanks like he's trying to start conversation because we're walking together yeah and i was like thank you very much

Speaker 2 and you can tell he's pulling teeth yeah oh man and then he goes he goes

Speaker 2 jeff said you do stand-up Garland, right? I go, yeah, yeah. We stand up together at the comedy store.
He goes, awesome. Yeah, yeah.
Like, go, keep going. What are you doing? I didn't know.
And then I.

Speaker 2 What are you doing? You're better than that. No, but he's, but it's Larry fucking David.
Because I think anything I'm going to say, he's going to be like, what?

Speaker 2 Shut up. Like, I'm afraid he's going to be like, you're an idiot.
Don't say that. Don't ask me that.
So I just kind of kept quiet.

Speaker 2 And then we sat, when we sat at lunch, then Jeff showed up, and it made me feel better because Jeff, you know, Jeff.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey! Hey! Love! Yeah, but love that. Love that guy.
He's so full of life. I love that guy.
He took care of it for me. And then I started talking.
It got normal. But I was nervous around Larry.

Speaker 2 Larry's a fucking, he's a comedic king. So to me, I don't want to say the thing where he goes to a party one night or is with a friend and goes, yeah, you know what?

Speaker 2 That kid said some dumb shit to me on the way to lunch. Yeah.
It was really annoying. Because I did the show season five when the show was more popular.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. And you know what? It got less popular after you did it.
Do you think that was a con do you think that was a coincidence?

Speaker 2 Do you think that was a coincidence?

Speaker 2 Stop. That might be damaged from the earthquake.

Speaker 2 Why am I so mean to you? I actually asked the doctor that. Yeah, why? I I said, Should I look for any signs or symptoms of brain damage? And she goes, You'll know.
You'll know. Oh, you'll know.

Speaker 2 So I think that's it. No.
Coco, coco, coco, coco, coco, coco. That's not it.
Ask me a question. Let's see if I can solve it real fast.
Go. I want a riddle.
Oh, okay. Yeah.
I'm being real. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I have a riddle. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Don't say shit. Riddled me this, Batman.
So listen to me. A grandfather.
Got it.

Speaker 2 His father.

Speaker 2 And his grandson. Right?

Speaker 2 A grandfather. Yeah, his father and the grandson.
No, grandfather, his son, and his grandson. So grandfather, his son, mm-hmm, and his grandson.

Speaker 2 Okay, they go fishing. Okay.

Speaker 2 You know this one? No? Okay.

Speaker 2 They go fishing, right? And they're in one car. Okay.
On their way back, they get in a car accident. Oh, no.
Yeah. The grandfather and his son, they die.
Of course.

Speaker 2 The grandson is still alive, but he needs surgery. Right? He's in the emergency room, right? He needs surgery right away.
The surgeon walks in and says, I can't operate on this boy. He's my son.

Speaker 2 What happened?

Speaker 2 The doctor's father and grandfather took his son out fishing.

Speaker 2 What do you say? I think I got it. No, that's not it.
What are you talking about? The surgeon walks in. The grandfather and his son is dead.
The grandson's still alive.

Speaker 2 The surgeon goes, I can't operate on this boy. He's my son.
What happened?

Speaker 2 I can't operate on this boy. He's my son.
But you're saying his dad and his granddad died in a car accident. Yeah.

Speaker 2 This mom has been sleeping around. Yeah.
This mom's a whore. So you think that's what it is? It's a whore riddle.
You think that's what it is? It's a riddle. Yeah.
That's not the answer. What is it?

Speaker 2 You wouldn't give up? I think you're being too vague. I think we're missing a detail.
No, we're not. It's very simple.
The surgeon thinks it's his kid. No.

Speaker 2 because he because he's been knocking with knocking boots with this girl this woman is a family

Speaker 2 this woman is a tramp none of that is happening what is it the rants are yeah

Speaker 2 the surgeon's his mom

Speaker 2 and that's sexist you're sexist and that's sexist yeah and that's the the reason why you asked that riddle is because you're a sexist person that's funny that i assumed it was a man i know but most people assume it's a man that's why it's a public riddle

Speaker 2 you can say that nobody got it i guess it i guess the first time no you didn't

Speaker 2 why are you blushing? I know you didn't. Why are you blushing? Because I can't.
It is an interesting thing. I know.
I couldn't figure it out. Well, because this surgeon guy walks in.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Did you say man?

Speaker 2 No. I said, a surgeon walks in.
I can't operate on this boy. He's my son.
Why can't she operate on the boy just because it's her son? Because it's a law. You can't operate on your own family member.

Speaker 2 Because you give them better attention? Yeah. No.
I guess that's a thing. That's a bad law.

Speaker 2 It's in the riddle in that world. I don't fucking know.

Speaker 2 She decided. I don't like the law.
First of all, if you're let's say, let me me ask you this, right? You're a surgeon, right? And you have to operate on her, would you be too nervous to do that?

Speaker 2 Or would you just get, let's say, you have another friend who's just as good as a surgeon as you. Would you rather have him do it or you do it? Me.

Speaker 2 Because I know why. I'm going to save my wife's life.
Dude. Dude.
Scalpel. Dude.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't be able to do it. She's dead.
I wouldn't be able to do it. No, I don't think so either.
I would be so nervous. I wouldn't want to operate on my family.
No, I wouldn't want to.

Speaker 2 You'd be so nervous. Yeah, because if you killed...
You drop a scalpel in the fucking inside the body.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 You're digging up, you know what I mean? The organs to get the scalpel. It's like flying like fucking a pizza roller.
Hold this. Hold this.
Yeah, yeah. Meanwhile, like, Kalila's eye opens.

Speaker 2 What are you doing? Right? And you have her, like, lung and her fucking pancreas in your hand. Come back to Sasha.
Fuck the scalpel when it's such a body. Yeah, that would be terrible.
Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, Rudy would be like, I've got this.

Speaker 2 and fix it in like two seconds no she makes sashimi yeah with her fucking knife

Speaker 2 put on a little plate with wasabi did you order more knives

Speaker 2 no do you want to let's get her another knife

Speaker 2 yes rudy more knives

Speaker 2 yeah why not yeah you yeah you would get her another knife there's root by the the way, your popularity is growing so much. A friend asked about you, a friend who's a fan of the show.

Speaker 2 He's like, Rudy is so funny, and she doesn't even try to be funny. I said, I know.
That's bad friend's rude. And he said,

Speaker 2 does she have like a big following now? In Instagram, she has like 20-some-odd thousand followers.

Speaker 4 22. She knows.

Speaker 2 22,000. Yeah, okay, so.
She's making a mark in comedy faster than she thinks. First of all, I know a dude, right, who was on a TV show,

Speaker 2 right? Who has been grinding for 25 years in this business, Yeah. Who has 15,000 followers?

Speaker 2 That's

Speaker 2 so mean. And she has.
I know. And so I told her the other day, I go, because she has two

Speaker 2 Instagram accounts. Private and she has a private one that has 100 followers, right? That's for family friends.
Island friends. That's for your island friends.
For her island friends, right?

Speaker 2 And I'm just like, I just put it all in one because the whole point of Instagram is to brag. No, but the island friends know the other.
They follow the other account.

Speaker 2 Did they follow the other account?

Speaker 4 No, I don't want them to know.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 keep it private. She wants to keep it private.
Maybe Bad Rudy, because that's not her real name. Yeah, yeah.
Maybe Bad Rudy, her fucking Instagram account, is her U.S. persona.
That's right.

Speaker 2 This is Rudy is Rudy's United States girl. She's like,

Speaker 2 in Cebu, she's Bruce Wayne.

Speaker 2 But in America, she's the Dark Knight. She's the darkest of the knives.
Yeah, she's the darkest of the knives. She's the darkest knife.
The darkest knife. Ladies and gentlemen, the darkest knife.

Speaker 2 So you have 22,000. 22,000 people are following you.
I wonder if now opportunities are going to open up after Pandy's done. Maybe she can host something.

Speaker 2 What if she gets offered a forest?

Speaker 2 Here's the thing. I'm trying to get her out of her shell.
Do we take commission on anything she lands? No, I'm trying to get her out of her shell because she doesn't like to talk that much. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Even around the house, like, she'll be laying there. Like, what have I been doing lately? What do I have saved up

Speaker 2 in the closet?

Speaker 4 You've just been doing video games.

Speaker 2 No, but the thing that I'm trying to make a ball of what?

Speaker 4 Boogers.

Speaker 2 Bob.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 What do I have in the closet?

Speaker 4 You have, I don't know, five or ten boogers,

Speaker 4 and you're trying to make it into a ball.

Speaker 2 You're trying to make a booger ball, bud.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Are you really? And I threaten to wear that.
Oh, it's like you're gonna get it if you don't. I'm gonna stick in her mouth.

Speaker 2 What do you think about that?

Speaker 2 Hey, hey.

Speaker 2 hey

Speaker 2 no i'm being real yeah i am okay good

Speaker 4 if he if he does it then i'm also gonna do it you're gonna do it back to him yeah

Speaker 2 you're you're playing with fire kids she also has knives around the house that's why i haven't done it because you're afraid of the knives yeah

Speaker 2 what if she what honestly what if she comes back and starts hurting you you don't think she's capable because i do i really do i think that would be a proper end to this life if rude killed you i think that would be a fantastic story how many times do you think you've um lived?

Speaker 2 Probably hundreds of times. Hundreds, if not thousands? Yeah, yeah.
Which life haven't you lived yet that you're excited for?

Speaker 2 Well, if this is my show business life, this is not good enough, but it is good enough. I think that

Speaker 2 I want to do like a primitive life. Right.
Like a tribe, like people part of a tribe. What part of the tribe would you be? Gathering.
A gatherer. Fruits.
and nuts and stuff.

Speaker 2 So you would be out gathering?

Speaker 2 I'd be making like water moccasins

Speaker 2 and whatnot.

Speaker 2 A little seamstress? Would you stitch and sew? Yeah, I'd be the tribe whore. You'd be slutting yourself out to everybody.
Yeah, I would have to be a man, and after

Speaker 2 the great hunt. But you'd be a very effective man.
And I come back with the buffalo. Yeah.
After the great hunt, I'm just laying on my belly in a tent, right? And I put like animal fat.

Speaker 2 Animal fat in the fat. Right? Because it's like a natural lube.
I'll just take, you know, buffalo animal fat, right? And just rub it, just jam it into my butthole, right?

Speaker 2 Just lay on my stomach, right? Come get some, boys. And I'd go, ooh,

Speaker 2 ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. They'll make it like a sound.
You're gonna make it like an Indian sound.

Speaker 2 And they would, all the trucks,

Speaker 2 they'd get off the horses

Speaker 2 and they would form a line. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm in the line. Yeah, yeah.
They would form a line, and then my cousin or whatever would have tickets. Yeah.
But the tickets are made of bark. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right, right, right. And they would come in, and

Speaker 2 you get two minutes.

Speaker 2 There's a hundred people in the truck. And one guy's keeping a clock.
Yeah. He comes in and goes,

Speaker 2 yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like,

Speaker 2 and they come out like almost disappointed. Yeah.
Because the further the line goes in, right? They're like the 80th guy, he comes out and he's like,

Speaker 2 too loose.

Speaker 2 Because imagine, right? 79 guys have already been in there. Yeah.
Too loose. Too loose.
Couldn't come. No, no, no.

Speaker 2 Oh, oh.

Speaker 2 Bell Cave.

Speaker 2 Remember the bear cave? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm in the back of the line going, no!

Speaker 2 Yeah. I'm going to go turn.

Speaker 2 I know what you would do too. Right? You would take two fucking.
I know you would do.

Speaker 2 You would take two fucking like buffalo bones and put it on my ass cheeks to make a tighter squeeze it together like this. And you would just try to just get some friction there.

Speaker 2 Right. And I'm going, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's live that life. Let's live that life.
Let's live that life. So I haven't lived that one

Speaker 2 that I've not lived. What is another life?

Speaker 2 I want to be back in like the.

Speaker 2 I want to be back just one time in Kings and Queens, like 15th century type of shit. Oh, yeah, yeah.
So bad. I want to be a jester.
I want to be a little court jester. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I want to hang out in my little lounge with the other artists. And I want to eat.

Speaker 2 eat whatever food they give us and drink and be drunk all the time. And they go out there and they're like, Joshua.
And they get out there and they're like,

Speaker 2 and do a little dance. and then they're like,

Speaker 2 and they beat me, they beat you every night, but they still love you, you know? Yeah, but they're not going to kill you.

Speaker 2 They don't kill the girls.

Speaker 2 You're in with me? Yeah, I'm the castle whore. You're still in the castle whore.
You're a whore in another life? I'm still there. Hello, hello, welcome, welcome.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I'm still doing the same thing.

Speaker 2 Have you visited the whore of service?

Speaker 2 And you're like, hello, boys.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And you're beautifully draped, by the way.
You always have the nicest clothes in these other lives. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I want a simple life. You want, no, one of them has to be very simple.
Like a butcher. A cobbler, a shoemaker, a butcher.
A shoemaker, or like something that I'm good at one thing.

Speaker 2 You know what I see you as? A fisherman.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that would be a nice. Yeah, that was a nice.
You show the fish to the village and they go, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every day.
Get it. Yeah.
You go out there, you catch some fish, you come back, you cook, you talk. God, imagine, though, back in the day when a fisherman got like

Speaker 2 lupus or.

Speaker 2 you know, some disease or

Speaker 2 they got cancer. Well, when they didn't know what cancer was, you just didn't.
They they didn't even know what it was.

Speaker 2 And you just, and you had stomach cancer, and there's, like, no medicine, really. Yeah, they just say,

Speaker 2 for a year, you're just like, oh,

Speaker 2 you know, oh, my God. And you know what they do with the fishermen? They put them out on a boat and they just push them out to sea.
And they're like, they don't do that. Yeah, they do.
Bye.

Speaker 2 And then when you go, bye.

Speaker 2 They don't want you to spread the disease to the town.

Speaker 2 Push you out to sea. Or like when they used to just fucking burn people alive.
That's terrible. Isn't it? But they would just go, anything I could do? Witch! Remember back then? Witch! Witch!

Speaker 2 It's like, I'm just, you know,

Speaker 2 I'm cleaning.

Speaker 2 I'm sweeping the living. I'm sweeping the living room.
Shut yourself. Witch.
And they would just tie you. You know what the fuck was going on? Oh, my the horrors.
They would just pick people to kill.

Speaker 2 I know. They just would kill.

Speaker 2 Anything that was different. Could you imagine me and you in a town back then? They would kill us immediately.
Yeah. The Korean guy and the red-headed boy.
Oh, I always think. Imagine

Speaker 2 imagine this. Let's say you and I were time travelers, right? Yeah, yeah.
And you and I are wearing cowboy hats, and we're just galloping into Deadwood. Okay, right? You're at the lead.

Speaker 2 And we walk into the saloon, right? You know how the piano guy stops?

Speaker 2 And everyone turns, right?

Speaker 2 And you know, I mean, I'm still on your back.

Speaker 2 And go, hey, man. I go, hey, fellas.

Speaker 2 Here to grab a drink. Yeah.
We love whiskey. Got whiskey.
You guys have any whiskey in this bar? You would be hung just right now. Like, cut to the next scene is us up.
Using it. Dangling from it.

Speaker 2 Just dangling from it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 We caught these two gay boys rolling into town, kissing and hugging on each other.

Speaker 2 One was a Chinese boy. Yeah.
The other one was a freak, a red-headed freak. Oh, speaking of my freakness, I had to look this up.
The doctor was asking me, do I have any

Speaker 2 allergies to medications? And I said, not really that I know of, but my pain tolerance for medication is pretty high. My tolerance is high.

Speaker 2 And she was like, oh, yeah, redheads. Do you know about this? We can handle 20%

Speaker 2 more

Speaker 2 tolerant level for

Speaker 2 painkillers, stuff like that. We need 110% of

Speaker 2 anesthesia because we slip out of it all the time. So if I get surgery and they don't juice me up, I'll just, like you said, with a skept, I'll just wake up in the middle of it.

Speaker 2 In the middle of surgery i can wake up they say it happens to redheads all the time i think it's the lord's way of saying get rid of these people no i think the lord's way of saying

Speaker 2 we're gonna make this particular group of people look

Speaker 2 sick yeah

Speaker 2 but we're gonna give them strong resilience ah you know yeah there's a yin and a yang to everything what's your yin because i know what your yang is what's my yang i know what your yang is what's my yang man i don't know what your yang is well tell me what my yang is a couple of yangs

Speaker 2 I don't know which one's which. Yeah, yeah.
What is yin and yang? What's the name of that? I have no fucking idea. Isn't that weird that nobody knows?

Speaker 2 It's just the opposites that balance each other, right? Yeah. That's life.
Life is yin and yang. Life is yin and yang.

Speaker 2 I know you're a big fan of Ellen, and I'm sorry to hear all the ensuing news about her being called out.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 well, first of all, I don't know her. You're a big fan, big friend, big fan.
I'm not a friend. You know her very well.
She produced the show I was on last year. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 You didn't didn't meet her? I never met her. No, no.

Speaker 2 She got called out online for being there. These are things I've heard those things.

Speaker 2 I've said this before, and I'll say it again. There are certain things that go around that you hear, you know.
Yeah, I've heard things

Speaker 2 for years,

Speaker 2 and then it comes into a reality one day. Like the Ellen thing? There's many things.
Yeah. You know,

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 some of them you don't believe. Some of them you go, there's that's valid, the rumors.

Speaker 2 There's some big Hollywood stars that have weird little rumors that people don't talk about, but you just kind of know it's said, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And sometimes they don't come out. Right.

Speaker 2 But with Ellen,

Speaker 2 I did hear certain things like

Speaker 2 you couldn't lock eyes with her. Couldn't look her in the eye.
I thought I heard that, but I thought that was bullshit. Yeah, but I had heard that.
Yeah, but it sounds like bullshit. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Like, how do you work with some, like, a boss

Speaker 2 who doesn't look at you in the eye? Yeah, I don't get it, you know what I mean. Get me a latte, you're like, okay, what size? It's just like she shows you, like, oh, fuck,

Speaker 2 yeah, she puts it right over her face just to test you, yeah, you're lucked, yeah.

Speaker 2 I've heard that, but they called her out, they said it was abusive behavior, um, uh, and then it got turned into one of the producers is getting in trouble for being, you know, creepy to whatever to people, cast to people that work there.

Speaker 2 But it's funny because I'm thinking, huh,

Speaker 2 Ellen doesn't know what's going on inside of her stable. I don't know if she knows.
She knows what she does. And then Brad Garrett came out today and was like, yeah, she's not nice.

Speaker 2 I was like, wow, Brad,

Speaker 2 he's quiet usually about a lot of stuff.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? All I know about Ellen is because,

Speaker 2 you know who Jeff Lala is? I don't. Jeff Lala runs the Addison Improv and all those improvs in Texas.
Sure. And he's been in the comedy industry for 35 years.

Speaker 2 And one day we were doing press in the morning. And I'm like,

Speaker 2 so what big comics did you hang out with back in the day in the early days? And he goes, Ellen. And I go, oh, really? Ellen DeJenners? He's like, yeah.

Speaker 2 I would drive her from city to city.

Speaker 2 Like she would do one night, you know, in Houston. Sure.
And I would get in a car and I would drive her and we would hang out. And I go, what is she like? He's like, she was always hardworking.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Very funny. Yeah.
She never complained. She never complained.
Because she knew. No, so you think she's a woman in the 80s, difficult.

Speaker 2 Who's gay? Who's gay, but doesn't

Speaker 2 come out. Can't come out.
Yeah. Difficult.
Right.

Speaker 2 In a male-dominated industry. Totally, yeah.
Right.

Speaker 2 And she

Speaker 2 had to. jump over certain hurdles that we

Speaker 2 we might not have had to jump over.

Speaker 2 I know that I know that as an Asian guy, I've had to jump over a lot of hurdles that others, I don't complain about them. I just know that they were there, right? Sure.
And so,

Speaker 2 and then she became one of the biggest stars on planet Earth.

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 What it's like to be her. Yeah, I say that.
I think that a lot of people.

Speaker 2 I don't walk her shoes. I don't know anything.
I'm not there.

Speaker 2 But if it's true that you can't look her in the eye, that's fucking insane. That's what I mean.
If it's stuff like that, I'm like, what? That's crazy.

Speaker 2 If it's just like, when somebody goes, they're mean to me, I'm like, lots of people are mean to you. Yeah.
What do you like? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I mean, I've read things that I'm mean.

Speaker 2 You, in what regard? Like, when I'm in the middle of the time. Oh, I met him.
He was not nice to me.

Speaker 2 And then it's like, you don't remember? You're like, I don't remember that. That's because the interaction went like this.

Speaker 2 I'm you, and you're an adoring fan. Say hi to me on the patio.
I'm you, and you're the fan. Go ahead.

Speaker 2 Hey, dude, fuck. I'm a fan of you.
Hey, what's up, man? How are you? Huge fan, man. Thank you very much.

Speaker 2 So we got to go to that. And you're just talking to somebody else.
And then that guy goes, Fuck, Bobby Lee. Didn't even fucking give me the time of day.
Right.

Speaker 2 But you were already talking to somebody else. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So it's kind of like people can just say you're, people can just say that you're a dick just because they like you and they didn't get from you what they wanted. Oh, one time I did.

Speaker 2 Which is super fucking selfish.

Speaker 2 I was in Chicago

Speaker 2 in

Speaker 2 Zane. In February.
No, I was at the Sean Bergen problem. Oh, Oh, yeah.
And I did a meet and greet.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 three days later, I get an Instagram message from a woman going,

Speaker 2 hey, I just want, you know,

Speaker 2 my husband hasn't slept in three days.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, what happened? Right? And she goes, because he didn't,

Speaker 2 you were talking to somebody, and then he made some sort of Asian joke. And then you just kind of turned your head.
Like, he completely offended you. You probably didn't even hear it.

Speaker 2 I don't remember any. I don't know what the fuck she's talking about.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so he's like, What's up, Chang?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, I wasn't even hearing it. I was doing something else.
So maybe, you know, with Ellen, it could be a lot of that. I don't know.
I wasn't there. So many.

Speaker 2 Could you imagine how many times people have said something to you that they think they said wrong and you didn't even, it didn't register?

Speaker 2 The people just say stuff, and you're like, I don't know, man. I'm doing, especially when you're doing 15 things.
You're meeting people and you're, yeah, I know, they take a picture.

Speaker 2 You're going to do all that stuff. Someone could be like, hey, man, we're a biggest fan.
You're like, great. Oh, thanks, man.
And that guy's like, that's it.

Speaker 2 We live in a strange world where people know that gossip is

Speaker 2 black magic

Speaker 2 no it is it is you know gossip is the worst thing our society does because it's used it's always like in there's lies and opinions that are threaded through gossip yeah because it's worse

Speaker 2 yeah so the truth becomes muddled right truth it doesn't exist it doesn't even exist it just becomes turns into this thing what people think and it's that's what social media is. Yeah, Twitter.

Speaker 2 People accuse people of things, and it's like we live in a very dark

Speaker 2 alternative reality. Well, I think people are bored and tired, and the pandy has made people angry as fuck, and they're broke, and they don't have a job.

Speaker 2 And so, this is an outlet to go, fuck you, or fuck you, or I like this, and I hate this. Yeah.

Speaker 2 A lot of our friends in comedy have been doing Jimmy Kimmel guest hosting, and Bob and I submitted,

Speaker 2 and

Speaker 2 we didn't get it. And we were jealous because a lot of people got it.
You know, Sebastian got it. Perfect.
Eliza. Eliza, Whitney.

Speaker 2 What other comics did it?

Speaker 2 It doesn't matter. We submitted it.
It hurts me that we didn't get it.

Speaker 2 But we're not them. It doesn't matter.
We submitted a good tape. Yeah, but it's like saying,

Speaker 2 hey,

Speaker 2 YouTube, not even YouTube, Coldplay got something, and it's like Fugazi didn't.

Speaker 2 I know, but. Fugazi is cooler.
We put in a lot of work. Fugazi is cool just on its own, and U2 is cool on its own.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Whatever, let them be. Okay, well, anyway, we submitted some tapes.
We submitted to tapes. I'm not thinking about it personally.
That's fine. Yeah.
I slept. I didn't sleep.
No, yeah, it's ruined.

Speaker 2 It's honestly the fact that they emailed back and said, no, thanks, LOL. Yeah.
Anyway, I guess we'll show it on the show. We'll show the tape.

Speaker 2 Um hey everybody, okay,

Speaker 2 Tokipang here. Today, I oh, Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy Kimmel.

Speaker 2 I don't wanna I don't wanna do this. Bob, I don't wanna do this.

Speaker 2 I don't, I don't wanna. What you made me fucking do it? Jimmy Kimmel,

Speaker 2 he uh he not gonna host the show for a while, so I'm going to uh try to get the job there to do the hostings.

Speaker 2 You have to fucking do it. I can't, but I don't know what to say.
This is your fucking idea. Give me any joke to say.
I do comedy too.

Speaker 2 No, don't you shut the fuck up. I'm

Speaker 2 okay. Here we go.

Speaker 2 Hey, Alive Around the World is the world is absolutely insane right now. What's going on around the world?

Speaker 2 Everybody talking bang here. Oh, boy, what's going on in the world right now? It's crazy.
It's 150 million

Speaker 2 thousand people die from corona. And boy, Melania Trump.
I do. I fuck her.

Speaker 2 I fuck her.

Speaker 2 You gotta make it G-Red. It's for network TV.
So, oh, okay, so I saw this.

Speaker 2 150,000 million people die from COVID-19. Donald Trump, wife, Melania, I stick it.

Speaker 2 I stick it

Speaker 2 to the president's wife. Do anything else but that?

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. Okay.

Speaker 2 There was a guy who was raising sea turtles. turtles, and check this out.
And he's selling them.

Speaker 2 He's selling them at

Speaker 2 two shells a pop.

Speaker 2 He's he's uh

Speaker 2 this guy's getting a he's getting a killer deal on that.

Speaker 2 Don't talk about the Maloney. Yeah, not about don't talk about the president's wife.
The BLM, Black Aliva, they matter. And you know, you go to the protest, right? You still sign.

Speaker 2 Do not do that to the black, right?

Speaker 2 and you know one time I went to a protest and I saw a woman who are protesting with her where she looked like

Speaker 2 you know Milani

Speaker 2 no but she I she not do it was not her because this was in LA okay so this is not her but she looked like okay she looked like Maloney so she protesting black lie black lie and I was

Speaker 2 getting toward the two like black lives getting to that right

Speaker 2 and then I hit like this, her hit, right? And I look at her, I go, you know, one day, you and I could go come bang bang. No, stop saying you're gonna have sex with the president's wife.

Speaker 2 She's not there. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stick to current events.
Oh, current occurrence.

Speaker 2 Okay, okay. My God,

Speaker 2 what's going on with the UI2K?

Speaker 2 The Y2K, man, 2000.

Speaker 2 Everything is gonna be wiped out.

Speaker 2 There is a, um

Speaker 2 the Malanania Malania.

Speaker 2 What? Malania Trump

Speaker 2 if you we never we're never gonna get this gig if you do that

Speaker 2 So Rudy um has a poem she wrote

Speaker 2 I'm gonna read your poem to it's you're gonna read her poem and if you didn't write it you're gonna have to make one up I don't have you said you were gonna write a poem so you're gonna write a poem about the butterflies go write it write it about knives

Speaker 2 write it right now about

Speaker 2 Filipino butterflies and knives yeah

Speaker 2 hey hey don't ever uh Uh-oh.

Speaker 2 You're gonna make papa mad. I don't have the poem.
You better just make it up right now because we asked you to make up a poem and you didn't do it.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Roses are red. Yeah.
They are.

Speaker 2 Violets are blue. Also true.
Yeah.

Speaker 4 The Philippine butterfly

Speaker 4 is as beautiful

Speaker 4 as you

Speaker 2 thank you for being a bad friend?