The Yin and Yang of Earthquakes

My dad works in B2B marketing. He came by my school for career day and said he was a big ROAS man.
Then he told everyone how much he loved calculating his return on ad spend. My friend's still laughing me to this day.
Not everyone gets B2B, but with LinkedIn, you'll be able to reach people who do. Get $100 credit on your next ad campaign.
Go to linkedin.com slash results to claim your credit. That's linkedin.com slash results.
Terms and conditions apply.

LinkedIn, the place to be to be. Look, a lot of people are watching the video, but they're not subscribing to Bad Friends.
And we need you to subscribe and hit the notification bell right there or down there, because then you know when we post an episode, because if YouTube doesn't show it to you, you're not subscribed and you don't see it. And then we're sad.
So we get sad because, um, we know that a lot of you like it. Yeah.
And we want you to get notifications for it to see it. So you can see it.
We don't want to rely on, you know, YouTube to make sure you make sure, you know, we're in people's faces.

Yeah, we're going to be in your face right now.

Yeah, so please subscribe.

Okay, do it now.

Seriously, we're just going to wait until you do it.

I'm not going to talk until you do it.

No, we're not going to do the show until you do it.

I'm not going to talk until you do it.

Go.

You're not doing it.

We're not going to go then until you do it just fucking press the fuck now alright well relax sorry you two are bad friends who are these two idiots a white dude and an asian dude you two are disgusting well you two are something we're bad friends Hey So I come in here today Feeling so jolly and carefree as they say I understand I walk in here and I see this little Nice little painting here And this is me As a Chinaman Are you Chinese in that? I don't know what he is, but I'm not, you know. Do you not know that's a Korean warrior?

Okay, but I'm not.

That's a hotu.

Do you know what a hotu is?

What are you there?

An English dignitary.

Yeah, exactly.

I'm a pretty boy.

Okay, you look regal in that.

Yeah.

Like you run some shit.

I'm royalty.

I'm carrying rice. To me, the royalty to eat.
I'm hungry. Yeah, but I live in Wuhan, right? And I have to carry it to England.
That's right. 90,000 pounds of rice on my head.
On your shoulder. Oh, my God.
But this is hand-drawn. Hand-drawn by Jack Hansby.
By a man by the name of Jack Hansby. Yeah.
Let me read the letter. Read his letter.
Let me read the letter. Okay.
Hi, Bobby. bobby love your stuff a lot so i painted you a painting i hope you like it if not okay so um welcome to the podcast bad friends welcome to the bad friends so we got i didn't sleep good at all same you want to talk about it i want well i want to talk.
What I've been actually – I have a lot of fear and I have a lot of questions in life because what happened was – I'll just say this. During a couple of nights ago in L.A., there was an earthquake at around 3.34 in the morning.
And I know. Let me let me just explain okay and so the earthquake erupts and i know what juliana did juliana you probably slept right through it right right she slept right through it um i was already awake the earthquake i was playing this game on my ipad it's called uh palace and conquerors or something like that.
And earthquake happened and I kind of looked up. It was over.
And then I started playing my game again. Maybe I didn't stop playing.
I don't know. So some people react like that.
There are those also. So I have a friend.
I have a friend. Right? You may or may not know him.
But the earthquake happened and he woke up. He was sleeping.
He went, ooh. He went, ooh.
What's going on? Right? And blood rushed to his head, right? And that's a reaction of some people would call that cowardly. Some people would call that weak.
I call it he was just scared, surprised. So he goes, oh, oh, oh, oh.
And he goes to the bathroom because he has to take a fear shit. Now, a lot of white people, when they get scared, they take fear and it's like it's it's a combination of um gas and diarrhea right maybe a little bit of blood and so he took a little fear shit and as he got up from the fear shit he goes he goes oops he goes this is what he goes he goes oops i lose consciousness and he hits his head what I mean, on a cabinet.
And he almost gouches his eye out. And so, and then what happens is he goes, wifey, wifey, I hurt.
I got scared from the earthquake, right? Let's go to the, they always always go to the ICU this is almost as bad as your stand up comedy that's how bad this bit is yeah yeah yeah it's a bad bit yeah yeah your whole life is a bad bit why are you so angry right now cause you're you spent four minutes on a dog shit story that's not even real that's what happened to you I woke up that's what happened to you I had a up. That's what happened to you.
I had a couple of drinks.

Why is he so angry today?

Can I tell the real story?

I woke up.

I'm having so much joy.

Stuff was breaking,

so I ran into the guest room.

Yeah.

And I had woken up so fast

that my equilibrium was off

because I also had a couple of drinks

with my neighbor.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Well, throw in the details the next time you call me. You're not listening anyway, Bob.
You don't listen to me. Ever.
I need details like Hemingway. I need specific what the sunset looks like.
You can't just say sunset. You got to say glowing red.
No, Hemingway said sunset made you figure it out. You can figure out the rest.
In this case, Hemingway. I had a couple of drinks.
I woke up. I went to go hear what was breaking was breaking see if the dog was okay and then when i walked back to the room i lost my balance because the blood was rushed to my head i got up so fast and the earthquake was still shaking that i sat on the hallway toilet in the bathroom to to level myself but i had flipped my my up and down had flipped so much i I blacked out.
I blacked out and I hit my head.

Yeah.

And I busted.

What's the difference?

And I busted my head open.

The story that I told and your story.

You threw in unnecessary.

You said coward lie.

Not true.

I wanted to make sure my dog and my house were OK.

You know what?

You're right.

Stuff was breaking.

I got nervous.

I thought, oh, my God. First of all, I didn't know I thought, oh my god.
What if the TV fell on the dog? What if the TV fell on the dog? Meanwhile, you're playing I'm 50. I like iPad games at 3am.
Shut up. Shut up.
Shut up. Rudy, do you like your new painting? Yeah.
I did. I went to the ER.
I know you did. No, but look, my eyes busted for the fans.
Yeah. And I went and got my skull and my noggin checked.
And I went in an imaging machine. And I was scared because the only one they had was in Panorama City.
You can Google it. It's not nice.
And I got nervous the whole time. So when it gets, let me just ask.
And they send back the results and they said, you're fine, but you have an overwhelming amount of stress in your blood level. Do you by chance work with a Korean man on a weekly basis? I said, yeah, I work with a little troll, a little booger eating troll in a room in the valley.
And they said, that could be part of the problem. Rudy, your painting is dope though.
It's a really good painting. And the knife got hung up.
That's really nice. Let me ask you this question honestly how tight is that hey dear friend hey baby dear friend yeah so um and this is an honest question i'm not trying to be funny or facetious don't roll your eyes because i know what's coming no it's not you're gonna make fun of me you think i'm not gonna make fun of you i need questions answered okay all right okay so if you're walking down the street.
Yes. And there's a let me finish my question.
And there's a little wind.

Do you go, tornado? I hit the deck. And you hit the deck.
I hit the deck. Okay.
That's all I wanted to ask. Yeah.
I freak out. Right.
Yeah. I would love to see you in a real situation of fear.
If you see – You know what I'm going to do? What? I'm going to pay someone to come rob you guys with a real knife and a real gun. Yeah.
And I'm going to see who steps up to the plate. Not you.
You're not going to protect the girls. You have no idea.
You're a puss-puss. You're a little puss-puss boy.
I have a puss-puss. You're a puss-puss boy.
Okay. You won't fight or protect.
You're not a protector. You either.
Yes, I am. That's why I jumped up.
I've never seen you. I've never.
No, that's not why you got up from the fucking thing. Why'd I get up? Because you didn't know what was going on.
No, I knew it was. You got confused.
I woke up. I knew it's an earthquake.
You got confused. I heard stuff crashing.
I thought it was the end of the world. I thought, oh, my God.
End of the world. What if, what if, is the dog okay? Did something break? Is something heavy? Is everything okay? Yeah.
Yeah. They should make, you know, they should remake movies.
This is you. I smoke a cigarette.
I play iPad. You little late night troll.

You little late night booger.

Don't make fun of me, dude.

I had to go to the hospital.

Okay?

The hospital.

I'm just saying they should remake certain movies about you.

There is no movies about you.

Yeah, like Armageddon.

Speaking of...

Let me finish.

Armageddon.

Part, the remake. The earthquake Armageddon remake? No, no, no.
No, you're in it, right? Uh-huh. Asteroids coming, right? And then the credits roll down.
Because nothing happens. You're the hero of the story.
Nothing happens. The credits roll down, and everyone's in the movie theater going, I guess everyone dies.
They've already made a movie about you. There we go.
Here we go. This is what I like about our relationship.
This. I miss this.
They made several movies about you. I love it.
What's Eating Gilbert Grape? You were fantastic in that. Oh, I'm at the Leonardo DiCaprio.
I Am Sam. You were very good in that.
Oh, I see. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
You're saying that I'm mentally challenged. What? No.
The one with Johnny Knoxville? That was about you, wasn't it? Were you trying to go to the Olympics? What's Eating Gilbert Grape? Am I the fat mother? Could be. No.
You're saying that I'm mentally challenged. What? No, the one with Johnny Knoxville? That was about you, wasn't it? Were you trying to go to the Olympics? What's Eden Gilbert going, am I the fat mother? Could be.
No. You're saying that I am the Leo.
You're her as much as you're anybody else in that movie. Yeah? Yeah.
I want my son! That's you. You're the obese mother that they're going to have to remove from your video game layer in 20 years when you die of lack of movement.
And the whole time you'll be young. I want my words on.

We played.

We did play.

I'm terrible.

I'm so bad.

It's not even funny.

Bobby would check in with me.

Andrew, are you still okay?

No, it was fun to play with you because.

So bad.

The first couple of times you died, you didn't open up your parachute.

Yeah, we used to learn how to jump.

No one gave me the details.

I know.

And then you jumped off a building and you didn't.

Thank you. You did.
Well, no, you didn't, Jay. Josh did.
Yeah, Josh Price. Very good.
He's phenomenal. How good is that guy? He saved me six times and we won twice.
I know. But first of all, you have to understand how difficult it is.
I know. I talked to some friends.
Nobody wins. We won.
Nobody wins. I know.
We won. So when it happened, I just didn't – but it was very joyous.
It was. Because you have a win in your column.
Can you tell the fans one thing, even though I didn't get credit for it? But they said it was true. I killed a guy.
You did. But I didn't get credit because what is it? It said it was – This is what happened.
Yeah. Okay.
Is that somebody had hit the guy maybe a couple of times. Sure.
But you had the final elimination. Kill, yeah.
Right? But because maybe that person got a little bit more damage than the guy. They get the kill.
Yeah, you didn't get the kill. But you will get kills.
I feel like because of your temperament and your aggressiveness, that you will get like five, six kills a game. I'm going to.
At some point. Do you like the game? I love it.
Can I show you a gift? Yeah. Somebody did something for you.
A friend of a friend of a friend made you an operator. That's amazing.
How cool is that? That's really cool. Isn't that cool? Yeah, they should have that operator.
So here's the thing. I think we should start some kind of petition to get your Bobby Lee operator on the game.
Look, they do this with all other games. I have friends that are in other video games.
Yeah. How come you can't have an operator that's you in the game? And that looks good, too.
Yeah, that looks good. There's already a Korean woman in the game.
That's what this is. No, that's the, they put my face on the Russian guy's body.
On the Russian guy's body, but actually that's, you know, this image, do you remember this image? This is taken from an actual image. Oh, you know what that image is? Yeah.
That's me, my first, second headshot at MADtv. That's exactly right.
You shaved half of your head back then. How cute I am.
You were really cute. I was cute.
What happened to me? No, you look good now. Now, it's just your, there's different things that are cute about you that you didn't have back then.
Like what? Your comedy confidence is better. I think so.
Yeah, much more. Yeah.
You're definitely more comfortable in your skin.

There you go.

I'm waiting for it.

I don't know what else.

Are you waiting for me to be mean?

Yeah.

I'm not gonna.

It's a nice day today.

Yeah.

I had perspective on life because I got out of the hospital feeling.

Were you scared because of COVID and all that stuff?

Yeah.

Now, you went to the ER, right? Yeah. Now, were now were there people with obviously everyone's wearing a mask in the lobby yeah they don't you let they let you in one at a time they let you in one at a time are you sitting with anywhere near anybody else nope and are there people there for covid when i went no they have they tell you which is crazy they go um do you or anyone you know in your household have had COVID symptoms or have had COVID at self-diagnosed? No.
Okay. They say, today, we have not had any COVID patients, but we're required to tell you if we've had anyone come in here with COVID.
I said, oh, okay. They immediately took me in an isolated room, met with a doctor, told her my symptoms.
She was very cool. She did a post-concussion test.
Are you wearing a mask at the whole time? Oh, yeah, you have to. And gloves and face shield.
Wow cool she did a post-concussion test are you wearing a mask at the whole time oh yeah you have to and gloves and face shield wow um they did a post-concussed test to make sure i'm not i didn't have concussion and then she did a bunch of blood work tons of blood work you could have gouged your eye out man i miss i miss it's actually the cut is actually on my if you when you get close to me you can see the cut hits my eyelid. So I actually missed my eye by this much.

My God.

Blacked out.

Yeah.

Blacked out.

And she was like just confused on the angle because I was like, oh, my neck hurts.

So I can't move my neck this much.

She was wondering how I hit the floor because that's what she was worried about, what part of my head hit first.

When I went for the CAT scan, that's when I started to get emotional because I got nervous. I was like, oh my God, what if something happened? But I'm fine.
It's an okay day and I'm back with you and I feel good. Yeah, I go to the hospital.
Over the last six years, I've been to ER so many times. It's scary.
Because of Kalilah. Well, because she has life-threatening.
Yeah, she has a heart condition. i i've been to the hospital many many times she's never had a stroke has she no what what do you mean people could people have mini strokes no she's not gonna have no stroke do you know what a stroke is my dad died from one yeah i do so what is it he uh he he has high blood pressure and and his veins in his brain all the veins that lead up to his brain, are clogged.
And the blood can't get to the brain, right? And then your brain needs oxygen and blood. It starts where though? What? Where does this all start? From the heart.
From the heart. Yeah.
So my question was valid. It's so – I was trying to be nice to you.
And now you're not going to be? No, I was trying to be nice, but that's my pet peeve when people go, treat me like

I think you really think that I have some sort of mental

deficiency.

Do you know what a stroke is?

Explain it to me. Yeah, because I know you don't know.

I do know. My dad died from one.

If your dad didn't die from it, you wouldn't know.

Did you know what a stroke was before your dad died of stroke?

Yeah, of course I know what a fucking stroke is!

I don't know. You don't know much.

There's a lot of stuff you don't know, Bob.

Go ahead.

Let it out.

No, this is retaliation for you being mean to me up top about my injury.

I wasn't being mean.

I was.

Yeah, you were.

Bro.

Bro.

I can't wait till you pass out and get hurt and I laugh.

And I laugh.

Bro.

Hey, bro, man.

Hey, bro.

Hey, bro.

Hey, bro, man.

Are you selling me a car?

Hey, bro.

White people.

I don't have a lot of friends.

I know.

You know this, right?

Giuliana knows this.

I don't have a lot of friends. I know.
You know this, right? Giuliana knows this. I don't talk to a lot of people.
Yes. And I have, you know, maybe four friends.
Yeah. You're a part of that infrastructure.
I know. A friendship, right? It's very difficult to get in that kingdom.
You know, the kingdom

is closed for

enlightened hierarchy.

Do you think it's because most people don't want to get in that

kingdom anymore? There's other ones available? Maybe.

But

I still have a very strict

dress code. You have a strict

dress code, yeah. Also, you know,

philosophical code. Okay.
Okay? So it's like, just imagine me being a kingdom, right? You being a king? I'm a king. You're a king.
And there's a gate. Yeah.
And people walk up, knock, knock, knock. Hello? Can I be Bobby's friend? Yeah.
And then there's, you have to go into a room, you take a test. What's the test? Oh, there's a million.
There's ten questions pretty much. There's ten questions.
What are they? Do you know what the first question is Chicago pizza or Detroit pizza? Chicago. There we go.
So I passed. Yeah, you passed number Okay.
Number two, it's Rolling Stones or the Beatles. Neither.
Trick question. That's exactly what it is.
Exactly what it is. All right? Right? Yeah.
Number three, what is the most important area of the genitalia? The asshole, the taint, or the head of the penis? There's another quick question. It's all's all the above exactly that's what I'm saying I get it the kingdom is exclusive yeah it's very exclusive well I'm glad I'm your friend well there's also physical challenges I'll kiss you yeah yeah do you know what's so funny is one of the first times that we ever like started to talk to each other in friendly conversation you would kiss me yeah you're the first guy that i would go even on stage i've done a couple times where andrew's brought me up and or i brought him up and i look in front of a packed room a couple hundred people i'll look at andrew he'll bring me up bobby lee and i'll cross paths and i'll go and you'll just go i'll know better you'll kiss on my lips i gotta kiss you and people will laugh and i go and i don't even say anything about it.
You just walk right away. Because that's called, he's in part of my kingdom.
I'm in the kingdom. Right, and so when I play Warzone, some of these kids I play with, they want to desperately get in.
The ones that are in there are so good. There's a husband and wife combination that we played with.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they're both phenomenal.
Phenomenal, yeah. I don't know who's better, her or him.
Yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't know, because I'm not smart with that stuff.
Yeah. But they're very good.
Yeah. But they're both phenomenal phenomenal yeah i don't know who's better her or him yeah yeah i mean i don't know because i'm not smart with that stuff yeah but they're very good yeah but they're all bad friends fans no they're right right right i mean i mean they are you should imagine imagine if you honestly yeah if you wanted to play the game and i'm not around yeah right literally with them i mean there's so many.
What you do is this. What I did was like, who can carry me? That's the question.
So when people message me on PlayStation, people will go, I'm okay at it. Right.
You're out. Yeah, you need to be very good.
There are people like Raimi and Josh Price that goes, I'm probably one of the best out there. I'm a tournament.
I was a professional COD was professional cod player two years ago i was ranked you know i mean 123 in the world or whatever can they make money at that i mean there's a guy i don't know what his name is but he makes what five million dollars a week playing video games a week a week something like that yeah yeah what yeah do you know about this stuff rude no and here's this you're a comedian and because I'm bad, I honestly think that if we started a Twitch of Bad Friends and we played once a week for like five or six hours, we could make money. $5 million? Not $5 million.
A couple grand. Is that guy good? Who? The $5 million guy or people just like to watch him? There's a guy out there that makes so much money that maybe like $100 million a year or something.
On just playing? Yeah. And he's really good.
We picked the wrong fucking career. No, because there are people in our thing that make a lot of money as well.
Only a few. Bro.
Nobody in our... Who's making $100 million in our – Josh – no, Josh.
Josh Rogan.

Josh Rogan?

Joe Rogan.

Does Josh Rogan make $100 million? Joe Rogan, how much does he make?

He makes a lot.

He doesn't make $100 million in comedy.

No way.

Not even close.

Yeah, but his Spotify deal was –

Different thing.

That's a podcaster.

That's what we are.

We're podcasters.

We're podcasters now.

We can't do standards.

So that's a lot of sculco makes him millions of dollars.

Sure.

Not $100 million.

La lavanda ha vuelto a Starbucks.

Pon un toque de primavera en tu taza con el iced lavender matcha. Sure, not 100 million.
stressing about all the time and all the money you spent on your taxes.

This is my bill?

Now Business Taxes is a TurboTax small business expert who does your taxes for you and offers year-round advice at no additional cost

so you can keep more money in your business.

Now this is taxes.

Intuit TurboTax.

Get an expert now on TurboTax.com slash business.

Only available with TurboTax Live full service. I want to show you something.
This is why we're good friends. Somebody made this.
But let me make a point real quick before you even do that. Oh, it's like the AHA video.
Just a nice loop of us. Bobby and Andrew scooting through the hallway.
They're in love. They're in love.
Bobby and Andrew scooting through the hallway. Okay.
Give me a hug. Give me a hug.
Now your turn. Go.
And there is. I'm holding on to him.
We might fall over because there's an earthquake happening. I could die because I'm clinging on to a coward.
A fucking coward. A pussy.
He don't know nothing. You like that?

Such a little dick.

What?

You said to add on.

You did.

You did.

You added on.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tito Andrew, Andreas wants to call you.

He wants to call me now?

Yeah.

Okay.

All right.

Let's call this guy.

I want you to say that again.

Wait, wait.

Stop for a second.

Say that again.

Say what?

Say it again.

Tito Andrew, Andreas wants to call you.

No.

Say it again.

Tito Andrew, Andreas wants to call you.

Oh.

Thank you.

And if you don't do that from now on, they made a compilation of that.

Yeah, we do.

We have a compilation of you not getting to the mic. Get closer to the mic.
It stresses me out. It does.
I know because it's too far away. Hello? Hello.
Hi. Hi, sweetheart.
Hi. How are you guys doing? What's up? Did you want to talk? Well, yeah after our our talk last well after your show last week and i thought you guys talk about fashion and i think so i i bought you guys something i have a gift for you rudy has it and you rudy can you give them give it to them yeah and I decided to share a little bit of style with you guys.

Oh, this is incredible.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

Did you really buy us a gift?

Incredible.

Yes, I did.

Did you sanitize it?

You don't need to sanitize it?

I did sanitize it.

He sanitized it already.

Oh, my God.

Andres.

Oh, Andres.

This is like one of his...

Oh, my God. Andres.
These are theres. This is like one of his European...
Oh, my God, Andres.

These are the European shirts.

These are European shirts.

Oh, it's by design.

Look at how...

You want to wear it?

Yeah.

Let's wear it from now on.

What is it?

This is called desidual?

Desidual?

Yeah.

Oh, dude.

Desigual.

Oh, wait.

Say it again.

How do you say it in your language?

Desigual?

Desigual.

This is so nice.

Look at...

Un-even?

Well, can we show... Look at how unnecessary...
Look at this. So this is the best part.
Where is this from? What country is this from? This is from Spain. So in Spain, look at this.
This is so Spanish clothing. First of all, Bobby has two shirts that they just made into one right and then

so this is what they do look at what they do all the time about yeah 84 so they took football numbers and put it on a t on a shirt yeah and it's down here again yeah just in case and look what it says here love the world love love love yeah this is so nice yeah positive energy thank Thank you. Positive energy.
Thank you so much.

This is really sweet.

I have a fancy dish rack now. I'm going to wear it.
I'm going to wear it. I love it.
It actually looks good. That's actually a cool shirt.
Yeah. It's a little too small.
What size did you get Bobby? I think I, I mean, a nail,

but it's a European nail.

It's a European one.

It's not small then.

It's a little tight.

Rudy,

is his shirt a little tight?

I think it's fine.

Thank you.

Well,

that's because she has residency

at your house.

Yeah.

Thank you so much,

Andreas.

We will get you a gift too.

One day.

No,

that's fine.

No,

I really like it.

Thank you so much, brother. Okay.
Okay, thank you. Bye-bye.
Bye, guys. Well, we've got our Spanish shirts on.
Do you like it? It's not really that Spanish. It looks like somebody that a homeless person in Bangladesh would wear.
You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, you know, it has this third world quality, which I love third world wear, but, you know, it just feels like it's just patched together.
You could buy this on the streets of Calcutta. Yeah.
Yeah. Meanwhile, I think he told...
Like, if're with a prostitute in Calcutta. You need to get an issue.
No, no, no. And you like come on the wall.
She gives you this to clean it off. I was going to say, if you got one in Calcutta and you had a T-shirt on, she's like, you can't come in unless you have a collared shirt.
Go buy a $3 collared shirt. Yeah, that's what it is.
This is a cow-colored $3 prostitute shirt. And then you go to the store, right, it's $3 and you almost contemplate not even getting it and saying, fuck the prostitute.
You're like, oh god, I don't even want to if I have to wear that inside? Rudy, whose is better? And rank it, when I say better, I mean, which one do you hate the most? Okay. I think...
They're both pretty bad. I think yours.
This is pretty bad. Excuse me? Say it in the mic.
I think it's Tito Andrews. Is the worst? Yeah.
It's pretty bad. Yeah.
It's got football numbers on it, right here and up here. Yeah, yours is pretty bad.
But yours is just, honestly, it's just two shirts. They threw away two shirts.
Yeah. It's the left side of some guy's shirt and the left side of a dead guy's shirt.
But honestly, if I wore this in any kind of business meeting, and especially if I met people for the very first time, I'm probably not going to get the job. They'd ask you to leave.
I don't think they would ask me to leave but they would just be like you know during the audition or whatever they would do the smile but they would just be so distracted by they go yeah can we ask you something yeah the shirt why did you choose is it because of the character is it was it character influence no I wear this that's right. I get this in Spain.
Oh. Is it? It's a good shirt.
It's from E-Design. My friend.
Honestly, it looks terrible. And genuinely, it doesn't do you any favors.
And if it's not part of the character, I don't know why you wore that to the audition today. It's loud.
It's distracting. It doesn't make any sense.
Well, as a casting director, you should use your imagination. My imagination is saying that I can't see you in any other normal clothes because you have a really bad, stupid shirt on right now.
But if I get the job, my acting skills are good. The job is not going to happen.
There's no chance we're going to give you the job. Yeah, but the word will come.
There's no chance. You would never get the job.
Bye-bye. You'll never get the job.
Bye-bye. Bye.
Don't you miss going to bad auditions, by the way? Oh, my God. I miss going and bombing auditions.
I miss saying no. I miss bombing auditions.
I miss saying I can't do it or making some excuse. It was so funny because there was a three-year period where I would make excuses.
This is too hot. I know.
I've got to take it off. It's the worst.
It's bad. It's very bad.
Thank you, Andres. Thank you.
We'll keep it here. We'll keep it here.
How keep it here how much are these?

I feel bad I think they're expensive

how about this?

you know what we should do?

if any bad friends are out there

why don't you guys email us

we'll sign them

and we'll sign them and send them to you

we'll randomly pick

who gets the shirts

and we'll mail you

the fancy B shirt

we'll write a message in it

I don't know if you can really sign those

that'd be hard

Thank you. Randomly pick who gets the shirts and we'll sign them and we'll mail you the fancy B shirt.
We've got to do more than sign it though. Well, we'll write a message in it or something.
I don't know if you can really sign those. That'd be hard.
We'll sign a Bad Friends picture for you, but email us. Why don't you guys email us why you think you deserve the shirt? Yeah.
And do it at badfriendsmail at gmail.com. Badfriendsmail at gmail.com.
We'll send somebody those beautiful Andres Desicchio shirts.

Oh, that's so funny.

So when I was driving over here, my manager had texted me.

She goes, improv's doing some summer drive-ins in Irvine.

Do you want to do 815 or 829?

Watch.

That's like saying, watch.

That's like saying, like saying, hey, next week. Are you typing this to your manager? Yeah.
So she said that. That's like saying, hey, next week, can you eat a bucket of broken glass.
8.15 or 8.29. Yeah, 8.15.
8.15. Pick a day.
Yeah, 8.15 or 8.29. You want to write one? Yeah.
All right. I'll say or.

Hey.

Hey.

Hey.

Next week.

Next week.

Week.

Yeah.

Do you have time in your schedule?

Do you have time?

Wait.

Do you have time?

Have time.

Just say do you have time.

Time.

To.

To.

Visit this.

Visit this. AIDS prison? AIDS prison? AIDS prison in Haiti? In Haiti? 815 or 829? Haiti.
Is she going to be pissed off? I don't give a shit because that is the most ridiculous.

But there are people that probably go, yeah, I'll do it.

Does she have fun with you like that?

Does she ever joke back?

No.

Never.

She'll say something like, a simple no would suffice.

Oh, so you don't have this kind of rapport with her?

I just sent it anyway.

If you don't have that kind of rapport, I don't understand. Next week, can you...
Or, hey, next week, do you have time to visit this AIDS prison in Haiti? 815 or 829. This is great.
That's so mean. I got an offer saying...
What if she fired you because of that? She's like, I don't want to work with you anymore. Bro, bro, and say this i love abby my manager abby i've been with her since i was an open miker a long time yeah 20 years ago longer 25 years ago and she used to when i couldn't pay rent or pay phone bills or anything like that she would pay it that's huge and and she would always look at me and she goes, I honestly, because at that time, she had two producers that she was managing.
She was managing Steve Scrovan, who did Everybody Loves Raymond. Wow.
And then Warren Hutchinson, who was doing executive producing with the Bernie Mac show. So she was making pretty good money.
R.I.P. Right? So she would just pay my shit and she'd just be like, I know for a fact that you're going to work one day and pay me back.
And you did. And so when things started rolling and the bigger management companies were going, you know, the big ones, were going, hey, we want to sign you.
Trust me, tempted, right? You said no. But I would never leave her.
Wow. Who is she with? Oh, it's independent.
She's a woman that just lives in Venice. Right.
And she just works out of her house. You've met her.
She's been to the house. And she's just a sweet, you know.
That's really nice. You stuck with her.
My first manager was not the same case. Who was your first? Oh, no.
It's a dude who's not around anymore oh yeah i mean as far as i know i don't know what he's doing but he would you know he kind of like coerced me into like into his company i didn't even know if i wanted to be represented because i was like i don't know what does he do what i don't really know if he has any does he really put you out on stuff and I landed a job and I had to pay him for I don't even think he

got Does he really put you out on stuff? And I landed a job, and I had to pay him for—I don't even think he—I don't know if he got it for me or someone got it for me, and I had to pay him anyway. But he would make me drive his checks to his house, or he'd stop by my place and pick up checks.
And he'd come by with his girlfriend sometimes, and it bothered me so much. It was so gross and weird that the second season when we got picked up, it was a hosting job, that I made them renegotiate the contract.
So I didn't have a manager. I didn't have anybody.
And he said he was going to sue me. He goes, I'm going to sue you for the sunset clause.
I didn't know what that was. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I said, you better sue. Yeah, you better sue me for the sunset clause.
I'll sue you back. Yeah.
And he says he's going to sue me for the payment on the next year of that show. It's funny.
And I wasn't making any money. It was an internet thing.
Yeah. It's like super petty.
It's funny how people bamboozle you early on when you don't know much. Well, you don't know any better.
You don't know any better, yeah. I was so stupid and vulnerable, and I just thought, I guess if you can get me in.
Yeah. But the job I landed, I you know who was in that room sklar brothers um uh uh uh uh what's the guy who hosts uh um not ben bailey not cash cab the other guy that hosts like everything like that we know him he's a comic matt eisman you not remember him love him no you don't know him he does like um he does wipe out.
Oh, yeah, yeah, Matt, Matt, Matt. Matt.
And another big name. And I remember walking into the room and going, I'm 23.
I'm brand new. Nobody here knows me.
I'll never, ever get this job. There's literally no chance.
These are all guys that have hosted stuff I've seen before. She literally goes, this Pam Frazier, shout out.
I don't know where she is now. She goes, honey, you funny.
You funny, but you're not good at hosting. And I was like, oh, okay.
I've never done it before. I don't know.
I'm just a comedian. Yeah.
She goes, we go figure something out. Two days later, she calls me back.
She goes, come back in. They want to see how funny you are.
So I went in there. I just told jokes live on camera in a green screen room.
I didn't even think, I thought this was just maybe to just let them know me and they gave me the job. I hate like weird shit like, you know Johnny Sanchez? Yeah.
So Johnny Sanchez and I auditioned for this Mountain Dew commercial. Yeah.
And so it was a callback, right? So four people would go in at a time. Yeah.
And then another four. So they were going to pick three out of the eight that went in.
So they go, all right, everyone back in the room. So we all came in the back of the room.
And some white dude just walks up to him and goes, in, in, in, out, out, out, out, out. And then we were the ones that were out.
And Johnny and I were like, you could just sit that in the hallway. Yeah, you didn't do that in front of everyone.
Why don't you call everyone in to go out? Out. Yeah.
What do we say about the Korean guy? Out. Yeah.
But what people don't realize is that, like, we had spent three, we had gone back there the third, two or three times. Thinking.
Parking in Santa Monica, right? Yeah. It takes hours to get there if you don't know LA traffic.

And then you can't find parking anywhere.

No.

Right?

So you're going to get a ticket.

And you're stressed out because you're never going to make it.

You're never going to.

Yeah.

And then you spend all these hours doing it just so that somebody go out to your fucking face.

In, in, out.

Yeah.

And looks and points at you like you're like a.

But I've been in before.

Right.

And when they say in.

The best. I look at the outs and go, loser I always do that bye, take it easy yeah when you got a call what was the best job you got that one, that one that's the most exciting job you've ever had yeah, you know why? I quit my day job that day it was the day I got to finally never work in a day job again I hung up the phone I ran down the stairs and I ran on mid-Wilshire I can't make this up from the E building where that is that's where I used to work across the street all the way down all the way down to Vineland no sorry to whatever Los Feliz Boulevard whatever to whatever.
Los Feliz Boulevard, whatever that is. Yeah, Los Feliz Boulevard, right there.
Highland. No, no, Hillhurst.
Whatever. Ran all the way down, sat there, realizing I just ran out of the office, smiling, laughing.
Oh, such other joy. It was like the greatest.
Oh, the joy. I just ran.
I ran. Felt so good.
I never stopped running. I just ran and ran, and then I called my mom, and I was like, I'm never going to have to work a job ever again.
I'm not going to have to work. Oh, my God.
That joy. It felt so real.
Can I tell you my best job? Yeah, what is it? So I get a call from Sasha Baron Cohen's people that they want to do a table read for the movie The Dictator, right? And I go, table read? Yeah, I mean, they're just calling every comic an actor. You're not going to get the part.
Thanks. Yeah.
So I show up. And it's one of those things where you don't read it, and you go, it's just going to be in our office.
Who gives a shit? Right. But then you show up, and you realize, oh, there's an audience.
Yeah. Right? So we're all on stage.

And if you look at the audience, I'm not kidding you,

Larry David, Gary Shandling, Judd Apatow, everybody.

Just taking notes.

Yeah, they're all taking notes.

Everyone in the industry.

And I'm sitting there when Nick Kroll was there,

René Zizi, just a bunch of fucking people.

Everyone has a part.

And I'm just playing the part that I played in the movie Right? So I just do it And I leave This is probably the greatest moment in show business So Larry Charles Who directed the movie Gary Shandling, Sasha They're all sitting on this patio Outside these two when people are walking out and they're talking and I walk by them and Gary goes Gary Shandling goes stop you kid stop and I go what? and he turns to them and goes you should give that guy that part that guy killed it wow and I go you know how you tried yeah you tried to play humble you go well I don't know I was if it works it works right right right and I remember I got in the car tears yeah tears people don't realize that something like that because I was you know I feel like a loser all the time yeah not being real no no I'm saying yeah you get defeated yeah you just feel like a loser all the time. Yeah.
No, I'm being real. No, no, I'm saying, yeah, you get defeated.
Yeah, you just feel like a loser that nobody wants you,

that you're never gonna really make it, right?

And so when you get a simple yes like that...

Yeah, it means a lot.

You start fantasizing too and dreaming, right?

Gary and I are gonna hang out.

Yeah, yeah, never sell them again, but you know what I mean? And just tears, and you're just tears and you're just like I want one of those wins I've had better when Larry David hired me for Curb that was huge that made me feel how you just felt like oh my god I made Larry David laugh but the reason that first job meant so much to me is because I finally could quit my day job and I finally got to a comic. From then I was a kid who worked at a desk and then at night at a comedy but couldn't take off.
They didn't let me leave. I had to work this job to pay rent.
Mommy and daddy weren't going to pay my rent. So I just didn't have a choice.
But it's like that with first love too. Definitely.
Right? When you like have a crush on somebody and they don't reciprocate, right? Mm-hmm. And you know what I mean? The 24-hour every day just thinking about them and just being emotionally just crushed by them.
Then you go, I don't deserve them. I guess I'm too ugly and stupid.
Have you ever asked someone to a dance and they said no? Oh, so many times. Boom.
Yeah. This broke my soul.
frankly i was like you're not even that hot i brought a girl to prom yeah and i brought her there i never saw her again i was her uber driver yeah we drove it was a white girl i have the fucking prom photo at home blonde hair yeah she's like she just walks out thanks bye i'm gonna go hang with my friends well she's just no she didn't even say that thanks closed the door, she just walks out. Thanks.
Bye. I'm going to go hang with my friends.
Well, she just, no, she didn't even say that. Thanks.
Close the door. And she just went into the prom.
And I'm in the car. Stacy, how'd you get here? That weird Korean guy dropped me off.
Yeah. He thought he liked you.
And you're looking like him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's so mean. It's so mean.
I asked a girl to go to a dance and she said, I think I'm waiting for someone else to ask me. Yeah.
And I was like, her because i thought it'd be easier i'm like she's not even that good looking she just texts back my manager okay she goes i was just asking because some people are just dying to get out there no pun intended and they're doing these drive-ins i agree with you that it's not worth it but i had to ask i don't think there's an AIDS prison in Haiti. There's two of them.
There's two of them. There's two of them.
There's two of them. Wait, can I – by the way, I don't know if I've said this before.
Do you know what my claim to fame of going to a dance with someone in high school was? I went with – do you remember Bret Michaels had a reality show called Rock of Love where he picked – Vaguely, yeah. Okay, the girl that won the first season was a friend of of mine in high school and we went to a dance together and my mom sent me a picture he goes she goes she was sorting out all pictures who is this girl i'll show you who she is yeah this is her yeah i went to we went to we went to a dance together i don't know which dance we went to but this oh she was more of this blonde look when we were in high school together this was when she got on tv with brett michael she did the rock and roll pink hair yeah she's a super fucking cool girl she seems cool she was dope as fuck but we went to a dance together and she was a mega babe and then she was the first person that i knew in my group of friends that like made it made it yeah exactly i was like! She made it.
She's with Bret Michaels? I was blown away. I was like, holy shit.
What is she, a billionaire now? Yeah. What is she worth? Eight billion dollars? Yeah.
But it was a reality show that I didn't even understand. I didn't know what it was.
I was like, oh, what did she win? I don't know. You know who Darren Carter is? Come on.
The party starter? Okay, so there's a comic name. Of course I know who he is.
Darren Carter. He's a redhead as well.
And they call him Darren Carter, the party starter. He calls him that.
He calls himself that. Yeah.
Right, he does. So when I was an open mic-er in San Diego, he was a doorman at the comedy store in La Jolla.
He was? Yes, he was. I didn't know he worked La Jolla.
He lived in San Diego. I do know that.
I didn't know he worked La Jolla. Yeah, he did.
So he was a doorman there, right? And he brought me to this coffee shop to do an open mic. And I always thought he was a nice guy.
He's very nice. I love him so much.
I still like him. So then he moves to LA.
I'm still down there, right? And I'm watching some CW or Warner Brothers show, right? And he has a line. I was watching some random sitcom.
And the doorbell rings. guy answers it and darren carter's are going pizza and they go yeah thanks and the door closes for a week i couldn't sleep why i know that guy i know darren oh my god losing your mind lose telling people He's famous.
You know the guy that was at the fucking doorman at the fucking La Jolla Comedy Store? I know him. I know him.
Like bragging about it. He's the pizza guy on the CW.
Yeah, yeah. And then when I saw him again, I got nervous.
How's LA treating you? I hear you're doing good things. Right? And he was just like, what the fuck is wrong with you? I had one line in a CW show.
You're like, oh, Mr. Hummel over here.
When does your Emmy come in the mail? Dude, my dad embarrassed me so much. The first time I ever saw a famous person was in downtown Chicago when when i was a kid at an ice cream store and it was the mom from um the mom from uh uh uh fred savage show what's wrong with me yeah what can i think of it uh uh what's wrong with the wonder years wonder years yeah and she signed a napkin for me that was the first time the second time i ever saw someone famous yeah i didn't want to say hi because i thought it was so Tom Selleck in the airport.
Whoa. Check this out.

Yeah.

My dad.

I go, dad, it's Tom Selleck.

And he goes, where?

Right there.

Right there.

Like, you know, like 20 feet away.

Yeah.

And he goes, holy shit.

Tom Selleck.

No.

Tom Selleck turns and he goes, what's up?

And Tom Selleck goes, hello.

And my dad goes, right on. Now, I was, I? I'm already orange.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was glowing.
I was like, why would you do that to Tom Selleck? Why would you say hello to Tom? I know. You idiot.
Because now what you do is, because I still get like that with people. Yeah.
But if I'm at an airport and I see them, i become an extra like i don't know what it is my defense mechanisms mechanisms come out yeah so i'm not like that i could become more douchey almost well because you don't know how to act sometimes if it's someone that you admire and i could be a huge fan yeah and they're gonna be like what's up and i could be like hey but meanwhile i would suck that guy's dick right meanwhile you know you're just pretending inside. Right.
Yeah. Because you just, you don't know how to act.
I don't know how to act. It's only because you, if I don't admire someone, if I don't think they're amazing, if I'm not like, whoa, that guy or that girl is so good at what they do.
If I just see someone that's famous, I usually just, you know, okay, whatever. Yeah.
But if I like them, then I get, my brain changes. If I'm like, oh fuck, I really think they're good at what they do.
Like when Sebastian Manoscalco, because I kept asking him because when he was in that The Irishman, he was saying one night he said that Joe Petschy, like after they were done shooting a scene, he goes, hey, come to my trailer. I have a chef.
I'll cook you a meal And Sylvester's like, all right. He shows up.
It's like a full-blown chef. Yeah, like a real chef.
He's in Joe Petschy's trailer eating a steak, right? And in my head, I'm like, wow. That's how they live.
That's how they live. And then he was saying that when he worked with De Niro, De Niro was just like, hey, I heard you're doing great things in the comedy business.
And gave him a hug. Oof.
Right? Cool. Like those little moments.
Yeah. I don't know if I would be able.
I think I would just melt. Yeah.
I do. When I was walking from set to lunch with Larry David, I had nothing good to say.
I love that guy, by the way. Love.
What a nice guy. I had nothing good to say.
So I was nervous. I was nervous.
I never get nervous. Yeah.
But it's Larry. It's different.
You know what I mean? It's like, he's the one. He's the one.
So I'm walking to lunch with him, and I'm silent. And he's like, you did good in the scene.
I was like, oh, thanks. He's trying to start conversation because we're walking together.
Yeah. And I was like, thank you very much.
And you could tell he's pulling teeth. Yeah, oh man.
And then he goes, Jeff said you do stand-up. Garland, right? I go, yeah, yeah.
We do stand-up together at the comedy store. He goes, awesome, yeah, yeah.
Like, go, keep going. What are you doing? I didn't know.
What are you doing? You're better than that. No, but it's Larry fucking David.
Because I think anything I'm going to say, he's going to be like, what? Shut up. I'm afraid he's going to be like, you're an idiot.
Don't say that. Don't ask me that.
So I just kind of kept quiet. Then we sat at lunch.
Then Jeff showed up, and it made me feel better. Because Jeff, you know, Jeff.
Hey, man! Hey, what? Love that guy. He's so full of life.
Love that guy. He took care of it for me.
And then I started talking and got normal. But I was nervous around Larry.

Larry's a fucking, he's a comedic king.

So to me, I don't want to say the thing where he goes to a party one night or is with a friend and goes,

yeah, you know what?

That kid said some dumb shit to me on the way to lunch.

Yeah.

It was really annoying.

Because I did the show, season five, when the show was more popular.

Oh, my God.

And you know what?

It got less popular after you did it.

Do you think that was a coincidence? You think that was a coincidence? Stop. That might be damage from the earthquake.
Why am I so mean to you? I actually asked the doctor that. Yeah, why? I said, should I look for any signs or symptoms of brain damage? And she goes, you'll know.
You'll know. Oh.
You'll know, yeah. So I think that's it.
No. That's not it.
Ask me a question. Let's see if I can solve it real fast.
Go. How about a riddle? Oh, okay, yeah.
I'm being real. Yeah.
I have a riddle. Don't say shit.
Riddle me this, Batman. So listen to me.
A grandfather. Got it.
His father. Mm-hmm.
And his grandson. Right? A grandfather.
Yeah. His father and the grandfather, his son and his grandson.
So grandfather, his son and his grandson. They go fishing.
You know this one? No. Okay.
They go fishing, right? And they're in one car. On.
On their way back, they get in a car accident. Oh, no.
Yeah. The grandfather and his son, they die.
Of course. The grandson is still alive, but he needs surgery, right? He's in the emergency room, right? He needs surgery right away.
The surgeon walks in and says, I can't operate on this boy. He's my son.
What happened? The doctor's father and grandfather took his son out fishing. What are you saying? I think I got it.
No, that's not it. What are you talking about? The surgeon walks in.
The grandfather and his son is dead. The grandson's still alive.
The surgeon goes, I can't operate on this boy. He's my son.
What happened? I can't operate on this boy. He's my son.
But you're saying his dad and his granddad died in a car accident. Yeah.
This mom has been sleeping around. Yeah.
This mom's a whore. So you think that's what it is? It's a whore riddle.
You think that's what it is? It's a riddle. Yeah.

That's not the answer. What is it?

You want to give up? I think you're being too vague. I think we're

missing a detail. No, we're not.

It's very simple. The surgeon thinks it's

his kid. No.
Because

he's been knocking boots with this girl.

This woman has two families. This woman is a

tramp. None of that has happened.
What is it?

Answer? Yeah.

The surgeon's his mom. And that's sexist.
You're sexist. And that's sexist.
Yeah, and that's the reason why you asked that riddle is because you're a sexist person. That's funny that I assumed it was a man.
I know. But most people assume it's a man.
That's why it's a public riddle. You can say that.
Nobody got it. I guess the first time.
No, you didn't. Why are you blushing? I know you didn didn't Why are you blushing? Because I can't It is an interesting thing I know I couldn't figure it out Well because you think The surgeon guy walks in Yeah yeah Did you say man? No I said the surgeon walks in I can't operate on this boy He's my son Why can't she operate on the boy Just because it's her son? Because it's a law You can't operate on your own family member Because you're giving better attention yeah no i guess that's a thing that's a bad law it's in the riddle in that world i don't fucking know she might side i don't like the law first of all if you're let's say let me ask you this right you're a surgeon right and you have to operate on her would you be too nervous to do that or would you just get let's say you have another friend who's just as good as a surgeon as you.
Would you rather have him do it or you do it? Me. Because I know why.
I'm going to save my wife's life. Doot.
Doot. Scalpel.
Doot. I wouldn't be able to do it.
She's dead. I wouldn't be able to do it.
No, I don't think so either. I would be so nervous.
I wouldn't want to operate on my family. No, I wouldn't want to.
You'd be so nervous. Yeah, because if you killed...
You drop a scalpel inside the bottle. Right? And you're digging up the organs to get the scalpel.
It's like flying like fucking a pizza roll. Hold this! Hold that! Yeah, yeah.
Meanwhile, like, Kaleela's eye opens. What are you doing? Right? And you have her, like, lung and her fucking pancreas in your hand.
Go back to sleep! I felt the scalpel when it's on your body! Yeah, that would be terrible. Yeah.
Yeah. You know, Rudy would be like, I've got this.
And fix it in, like, two seconds. No, she makes sashimi.
Yeah. With her fucking knife.
Put on a little plate with wasabi. Did you order more knives? No.
Do you want to? Let's get her another knife. Yes, Rudy.
More knives. Yeah.
Why not? Yeah, you, yeah. You would get her another knife.
There's, by the way, your popularity is growing so much. A friend asked about you, a friend who's a fan of the show.
He's like, Rudy is so funny and she doesn't even try to be funny. I said, I know.
That's Bad Friends Rude. And he said, does she have like a big following now? In Instagram, she has like 20 some odd thousand followers.
22. She knows.
22,000. Yeah.
Okay. So she's making a mark in comedy faster than she thinks.
First of all, I know a dude, right, who was on a TV show. Yeah.
Right? Who has been grinding for 25 years in this business. Yeah.
Who has 15,000 followers. I'm not kidding you.
That's so mean. And she has.
I know. And so I told her the other day, I go, because she she has two instagram instagram accounts private and she has a private one that has a hundred followers right that's for family friends island friends that's for your island friends for island friends right and i'm just like i just put it all in one because the whole point of instagram is to brag no but the island friends know the other they follow follow the other account? Did they follow the other account?

No, I don't want them to know.

Oh, she wants to keep it private.

She wants to keep it private.

Maybe Bad Rudy, because that's not her real name.

Yeah, yeah. Maybe Bad Rudy, her fucking Instagram account, is her U.S.
persona.

That's right.

This is – Rudy is United States girl.

She's like – in Cebu, she's Bruce Wayne.

But in America, she's the Dark Knight. She's the darkest of the knights.
Yeah, she's the darkest of the knives. She's the darkest knife.
The darkest knife. Ladies and gentlemen, the darkest knife.
The darkest knife. So you have 22...
22,000 people are following you. I wonder if now opportunities are going to open up after Pandy's done.
Maybe she can host something. What if she gets offered a fucking job? Here's the thing.

I'm trying to get her out of her shell.

Do we take commission on anything she lands?

No, I'm trying to get her out of her shell because she doesn't like to talk that much.

Yeah.

Even around the house, she'll be laying there.

What have I been doing lately?

What do I have saved up in the closet?

You've just been doing video games?

No, but the thing that I'm trying to make a ball of what?

Boogers.

Bob, why?

What do I have in the closet?

You have, I don't know, five or ten boogers.

And you're trying to make it into a ball.

You're trying to make a booger ball, bud.

Yeah.

Are you really?

And it's right nowhere then. Oh, it's like you're going to get it if you don Yeah.
Are you really? And it threatened her with that.

Oh, it's like you're going to get it if you don't.

I'm going to stick it in her mouth.

What do you think about that?

Hey, hey.

Hey.

No, I'm being real.

Yeah, I am.

Okay, good.

If he does it, then I'm also going to do it.

You're going to do it back to him? Yeah. You're playing with fire kids.
She also has knives around the house now. That's why I haven't done it.
Because you're afraid of the knives? Yeah. Honestly, what if she comes back and starts hurting you? You don't think she's capable? Because I really do.
I think that would be a proper end to this life. If Ruud killed you? I think that would be a fantastic story.
How many times do you think you've lived?

Probably hundreds

of times. Hundreds if not thousands? Yeah, yeah.

Which life haven't you lived yet that you're excited

for?

Well, if this is my show business life,

it's not good enough. It is good enough.

I think that

I want to do a primitive life.

Right. Like a tribe.

Like be part of a tribe. What part of the tribe would you be? Gathering.
A gatherer. Fruits and nuts and stuff.
So you would be out gathering? I'd be making like water moccasins and whatnot. A little seamstress? Would you stitch and sew? Yeah, I'd be the tribe whore.
You'd be slutting yourself out to everybody. Yeah, I would have to be have to be a man and after the great hunt.
But you'd be a very effeminate man. They'd come back with a buffalo.
Yeah. After the great hunt, I'm just laying on my belly in a tent, right? And I put like animal fat.
Animal fat. Right, because it's like a natural lube.
I'll just take, you know, buffalo animal fat, right? And just rub it, just jam it into my butthole, right? Just lay on my stomach, right? Come get some, boys. And I'd make, like, a sound.
You know what I mean? Like an Indian sound. And they would, all the trucks, they'd get off the horses.
And they would form a line. I'm in the line.

Yeah, yeah.

They would form a line

and then my cousin or whatever

would have tickets.

Yeah.

But the tickets are made of bark.

Yeah.

Right, right, right.

And they would come in

and you get two minutes.

There's a hundred people in the truck.

And one guy's keeping a clock.

Yeah, yeah.

He comes in and goes,

yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're're like and they come out like almost disappointed because the further the line goes the 80th guy he comes out and he's like too loose because imagine 79 guys have already been in there too too loose couldn't come no no no oh oh bear cave remember the bear cave yeah yeah yeah and I'm in the back of the line going no oh yeah I'm on my turn I know what you would do too right you would take two fucking I know what you would do you would take two fucking like buffalo bone yeah and put it on my ass cheeks to make it tighter.
Squeeze it together like this. And you would just try to just get some friction there.
Right. And I'm going – Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow. Let's live that life.
Let's live that life. Let's live that life.
So I haven't lived that one. Not yet.
That I have not lived. What's another life? I want to be back in like the – I want to be back just one time in Kings and Queens, like 15th century type of shit.
Oh, yeah, yeah. So bad.
I want to be a jester. I want to be a little court jester.
Yeah. And I want to hang out in my little lounge with the other artists and I want to eat whatever food they give us and drink and be drunk all the time and they go out there and they're like, jester! And they get out there and they're like, and do a little dance and then they're like, and they beat me.
They beat you every night but they still love you, you know? Yeah. But they're not going to kill you.
They don't kill the Jester. I'm in the same castle.
You're in with me? Yeah, I'm the castle whore. You're still in the castle.
Okay, you're a whore in another life? I'm still there. Hello, hello, welcome, welcome.
You know what I mean? I'm still doing the same thing. Have you visited the whore upstairs? Yeah.
And you're like yeah and you're beautifully draped by the way you always have the nicest clothes in these other lives yeah I want a simple life you want no one of them has to be very simple like a butcher a cobbler a shoemaker a butcher or like something that I'm good at one thing I want you know what I see you as a fisherman yeah that would be a nice yeah that was a nice... You show the fish to the village and they go, Yeah! Yeah, yeah.
Every day. I did it.
Yeah. You go out there, you catch some fish, you come back, you cook, you talk.
God, imagine though back in the day when like a fisherman got like lupus or some disease or they got cancer. When they didn't know what cancer was, you just died at 38.
And you had stomach cancer and there's like no medicine really.

Yeah, they just say goodbye.

So for a year, you're just like, oh, my God.

And you know what they do with the fishermen?

They put them out on a boat and they just push them out to sea.

And they're like, they don't do that.

Yeah, they do.

Bye.

And then when you go, bye.

They don't want you to spread the disease to the town.

Oh.

Push you out to sea.

Or like when they used to just fucking burn people alive.

That's terrible.

Isn't it?

But they would just go, anything.

Witch.

Remember back then?

Witch.

Witch.

And it's like, I'm just, you know, I'm sweeping.

I'm sweeping.

I'm just sweeping the living room.

Shut you up, witch. Witch.
And they would just tie you. You'd know what the fuck was room.
Shut up, bitch.

And they would just tie you.

You didn't know what the fuck was going on.

Oh, my, the horrors.

They would just pick people to kill.

I know.

They just would choose who they wanted to kill.

Anything that was different.

Could you imagine me and you in a town back then?

They would kill us immediately.

Yeah.

The Korean guy and the redheaded boy?

Oh, I always think.

Imagine this.

Imagine this. Let's say you and I always think.
Imagine this. Imagine this.

You and I were time travelers.

Yeah.

And you and I are wearing cowboy hats.

And we're just galloping into Deadwood.

Okay.

You're in the lead.

And we walk into the saloon, right?

You know how the piano guy stops?

And everyone turns, right? And you know what I mean? I'm still on your back. And he goes, hey, man.
I go, hey, fellas. Here to grab a drink.
Yeah. We love whiskey.
Got whiskey? You guys have any whiskey in this bar? We would be hung just right there. Like cut to the next scene is us.
Us just dangling. Dangling.
Just dangling from it yeah oh my god we caught these two we caught these two gay boys rolling into town kissing and hugging on each other one was a chinese boy yeah the other one was a freak a red-headed freak oh speaking of my freakness i had to look this up the doctor was asking me do i have any um allergies to medications and i said not really that i know of but my pain tolerance for medication is pretty high my tolerance is high and she was like oh yeah redheads do you know about this we can handle 20 percent more uh tolerant level for for painkillers stuff like that we need 110 percent of anesthesia anesthesia anesthesia because we slip out of it all the time. So if I get surgery and they don't juice me up, I'll just, like you said with a scat, I'll just wake up in the middle of it.
In the middle of surgery, I can wake up. They say it happens to redheads all the time.
I think it's the Lord's way of saying... Get rid of these people.
No, I think the Lord's way of saying, we're going to make this particular group of people look sick. Yeah.
But we're going to give them strong resilience. Ah.
You know? Yeah. There's a yin and a yang to everything.
What's your yin? Because I know what your yang is. What's my yang? I know what your yang is.
What's my yang, man? I know what your yang is. Well, tell me what my yang is, man.
You got a couple of yangs.

I don't know which one's which.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What is yin and yang?

What's the difference? I have no fucking idea.

Isn't that weird that nobody knows?

It's just the opposites that balance each other, right?

Yeah.

That's life.

Life is yin and yang.

Life is yin and yang.

I know you're a big fan of Ellen, and I'm sorry to hear all the ensuing news about her being called out.

You know, first of all, I don't know her. You're a big fan, big friend, big fan.
I'm not a friend. You know her very well.
She produced the show I was on last year. Yeah, I know.
You didn't meet her? But I never met her, no. No? No.
You see, she got called out online for being mean. But these are things, I've heard those things.
You know, I've said this before and I'll say it again. There are certain things that go around that you hear, you know? Yeah.
I've heard things for years and then it comes into a reality one day. Like the Ellen thing? There's many things.
Yeah. You know, and some of them you don't believe.
Some of them you that's valid the rumors there's some big Hollywood stars that have weird little rumors that people don't talk about but you just kind of know it's said and sometimes they don't come out with Ellen, I did hear certain things like

you couldn't lock eyes with her.

Couldn't look her in the eye.

I heard that,

but I thought that was bullshit.

Yeah,

but I had heard that.

Yeah,

but it sounds like bullshit.

Yeah.

Like,

how do you work with a boss

who doesn't look at you in the eye?

Yeah,

I don't get that.

You know what I mean?

Get me a latte.

You're like,

okay.

What size?

It's just like,

she shows you,

you're like,

oh,

fuck.

Yeah, she puts it right over her face just to test you yeah you're locked yeah I've heard that but they called her out they said it was abusive behavior and then it got turned into one of the producers is getting in trouble for being you know creepy to whatever to people cast to people that work there but it's funny i'm thinking um ellen doesn't know what's going on inside of her stable i don't know maybe she knows what she does and then brad garrett came out today and was like yeah she's not nice i was like wow brad garrett's really i was like he's quiet usually about a lot of you know what i mean all i know Ellen is because – you know who Jeff Lala is? I don't. Jeff Lala runs the Addison Improv and all those improvs in Texas.
Sure. And he's been in the comedy industry for 35 years.
And one day we were doing press in the morning and I'm like, so what big comics did you hang out with back in the day in the early days

and he goes ellen and i go oh really ellen did i say yeah um i would drive her from city to city like she would do one night you know in houston sure and i would get in the car i would drive her to dallas and we would hang out and i go what is she like he's like she was always hard working yeah

very funny

yeah

she never complained

she never complained

because she knew

no And I go, what is she like? He's like, she was always hardworking. Yeah.
Very funny.

Yeah.

She never complained.

She never complained. Because she knew.
No. So you think she is a woman in the 80s, difficult.
Who's gay. Who's gay but doesn't – can't come out.
Can't come out. Yeah.
Difficult, right? In a male-dominated industry. Totally, yeah.
Right? And she had to jump over certain hurdles that we might not have had to jump over. I know that as an Asian guy, I've had to jump over a lot of hurdles that others – I don't complain about them.
I just know that they were there, right? Sure. And so, and then she became one of the biggest stars on planet Earth.
I don't know what it's like to be Ellen. What it's like to be her.
Yeah, I say that. I think that all the time.
I don't walk her shoes. I don't know anything.
I'm not there. But if it's true that you can't look her in the eye, that's fucking insane.
That's what I mean. If it's stuff like that, I'm like, what? That's crazy.
If it's just like, when somebody goes, they're mean to me, I'm like, lots of people are mean to you. Yeah.
I mean, I've read things that I'm mean. You, in what regard? Like working with you? Well, I met him.
He was not nice to me. And then it's like, you don't remember.
You're like, I don't remember that. It's because the interaction went like this uh i'm you and you you're an adoring fan say hi to me on the patio this is i'm you and you're the fan go ahead hey dude fuck i'm a huge man how are you huge fan man thank you very much um so we got to go to that and you're just talking to somebody else and then that guy goes fuck bobby lee didn't even fucking give me the time of day right but.
But you were already talking to somebody else. Yeah.
So it's kind of like people can just say that you're a dick just because they like you and they didn't get from you what they wanted. Oh, one time I did a show.
Which is super fucking selfish. I was in Chicago in February.
No, I was at the Schaumburg Improv and I did a meet and greet and three days later I get an Instagram message from a woman going hey I just want to you know my husband hasn't slept in three days and I'm like what happened? and she goes you talking to somebody and then he made some sort of Asian joke and then you just kind of turned your head. Like he completely offended you.
You probably didn't even hear it. I don't remember any – I don't know what the fuck she's talking about.
He's like, what's up, Chang? Yeah, I wasn't even hearing it. I was doing something else.
So maybe with Alan it could be a lot of that. I don't know.
I wasn't there. Could you imagine how many times people have said something to you that they think they said wrong and it didn't register? The people just say stuff and you're like, I don't know, man.
Especially when you're doing 15 things. You're meeting people and you're like, yeah, I know.
I take a picture and do all that stuff. Someone could be like, hey, man, I'm your biggest fan.
You're like, great. Thanks, man.
And that guy's like, that's it? We live in a strange world where people know that gossip is black magic. Yes.
No, it is. It is.
You know, gossip is the worst thing our society does because it's always like there's lies and opinions that are threaded through gossip. Yeah, because it's one doesn't exist sometimes it just becomes what people think and that's what social media is people accuse people of things and it's like we live in a very dark alternative reality people are bored and tired and the pandy has made people angry as fuck and they're broke and they don't have a job.
And so this is an outlet to go, fuck you or fuck you or I like this and I hate this. Yeah.
A lot of our friends in comedy have been doing Jimmy Kimmel guest hosting and Bob and I submitted. And we didn't get it.
And we were jealous because a lot of people got it. You know, Sebastian got it.
Purple. Eliza.
Eliza, Whitney. What other comics did it? But, dude.
It doesn't matter. We submitted it.
It hurts me that we didn't get picked. But we're not them.
It doesn't matter. We submitted a good tape.
Yeah, but we're – it's like saying, hey, YouTube – not even YouTube, Coldplay got something, and it's like Fugazi didn't. I know, but – Fugazi is cooler.
We put in a lot of work. Fugazi is cool just on its own, and U2 is cool on its own.
Yeah, yeah. Whatever.
Let them be – Okay, well, anyway, we submitted some tapes. We submitted the tapes.
I'm not taking it personally. It's fine.
Yeah, I slept. I didn't sleep.
No, yeah, it's ruined. It's honestly, the fact that they emailed back and said, no thanks, LOL.
Yeah. Anyway, I guess we'll show it.
I don't know. We'll show the tape.
Okay. Hey, everybody.
Okay. Today, Jimmy Kimmel.
Jimmy Kimmel. I don't want to do this.
Bob, I don't want to do this. I don't want to.
What do you mean? We fucking do it. Jimmy Kimmel,, he not going to host the show for a while,

so I'm going to try to get the job there to do the hostings.

You have to fucking do it.

I can't, I don't know what to say.

This is your fucking idea.

Give me any joke to say.

I do comedy too.

Shut the fuck up.

Okay, here we go.

Hey, Alive Around the World, the world is absolutely insane right now. What's going on around the world? Hey, everybody took a bang here.
Oh, boy, what's going on in the world right now? It's crazy. It's 150 million, 1,000 people die from Corona.
And boy, Melania Trump, I do, I fuck her. I fuck her.
You gotta make it to G-Bread. This is for network TV.
Oh, okay, so I saw this. Oh, boy, what going around this town right now? Holy moly.
Shit, 150,000 million people die from COVID-19. Donald Trump, wife Melania, I stick it.
I stick it. Stay away from having to do the president's wife.
Do anything else but that. Oh, shit.
Okay. There was a guy who was raising sea turtles.
And check this out. And he's selling them.
He's selling them at two shells of pop. This He's getting a killer deal on that.
Don't talk about the Maloney. Yeah, don't talk about the president's wife.
The BLM. Black Alive.
They matter. And, you know, you go to the protest, right? You still sign.
Do not do that to the black, right? And, you know,

one time I went to a protest, and I saw a woman protesting with her,

but she looked like,

you know, Melani.

No, not the president's wife.

No, but she, she not,

it was not her, because this was in

LA, so this is not her,

but she looked like,

she looked like Melani,

so she protesting black life, black life,

and I was getting

Thank you. LA.
So this is not her, but she look like Maloney. So she protesting black lives, black lives.
I was getting toward her too, like a black lives. Getting to that, right? And then I hit like this, her hit, right? And I look at her and I go, you know, one day, you and I could go bang, bang.
No! Stop saying you're going to have sex with the president's wife! She's not there. Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stick to current events.
Oh, current events. Okay.
My God. What's going on with the Y2K? The Y2K, man.
2000. Everything is going to be wiped out.
There's a... What? She's hot.

We're never going to get this gig if you do that.

So Rudy has a poem she wrote.

You're going to read your poem to us?

Yes, you're going to read her poem.

And if you didn't write it, you're going to have to make one up.

I don't have.

You said you were going to write a poem.

Yes, you're going to write a poem about the butterflies so you're going to write a poem about the butterflies.

Go ahead.

Write it right now about Filipino butterflies and knives.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, don't ever.

Uh-oh.

You're going to make Papa mad.

I don't have the poem.

You better just make it up right now because we asked you to make up a poem and you didn't do it.

Okay.

Roses are red.

Yeah.

They are.

Violets are blue.

Also true, yeah.

The Philippine butterfly.

Yeah.

Is as beautiful as you.

Thank you for being a bad friend. Yeah.
Woo.