The White Cheeks

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Terms and conditions apply. You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots? White dude and Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
Welcome to Bad Friends. Listen, I've been thinking about the Lord so much as of late.
Tell me. Hi, Jesus here.
Me and my dad are just chilling here at the Heaven Super Disco waiting for Bobby. I can already see his gangrene-ridden foot between the pearly gates.
As for Andrew, I'm sorry.

No gingers allowed.

Them's the rules.

B.S.

Rudy, lay down those knives.

Jesus out.

Well, the Jesus, the Jesus, I call it the Jesus, by the way.

You call it the Jesus?

Yeah, because there's only one.

There is only one.

Yeah. There can be only one.
There can only be one. He's like the Neo of the sky, by the way.
You call it the Jesus? Yeah, because there's only one. There is only one.
Yeah.

There can be only one.

There can only be one.

He's like the Neo of the sky.

Uh-huh.

You know how Neo was, you know, the one in the Matrix?

Yep.

Jesus is the one in the sky.

Fact.

And there's no one else that can beat him.

That's right.

His powers outlast and outpower all the other powerful ones.

You better believe it, baby boy.

Zeus, gone.

He can destroy Zeus. Uh-huh.
He can destroy, what else is another? Medusa. Yeah, Medusa.
Is it Medusa one? Is Medusa a Greek god? Yes. Sure.
Why not? Yeah. Because all I know is from Clash of the Titans.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
He can destroy the Kraken what about what some other greek gods um pyrenees he's a good one pyrenees pegasus pegasus is pegasus a god yes yeah he's a horsey huh he's a horse god anyway jesus is the best and um i believe you know i had a spiritual awakening this week and i've been reading the Bible and the Bible I know what I have to say and you know I believe that he died for our sins that he's the manifestation of the real God yeah he's not just the son the Holy Ghost and Jesus and God are one they're one thing they're all one Right. But Jesus is the flesh form of the God.
The Holy Ghost is the ghost form. Yeah.
Yeah. He's like a transformer God.
This guy can do everything. You know how transformers can turn into a car and stuff? Yeah.
Yeah, but they're the same one, right? Yeah. So that's what God does.
Jesus does. Jesus.
But Jesus is God?

Jesus is God.

So,

but God,

but God is the,

is God,

is God separate from Jesus

or they're the same thing?

They're the same exact thing.

I just told you

they're the same,

but different form.

They're the different form

of the same thing.

So why do they have

two different names?

Because,

um,

that's true,

huh?

Mm-hmm.

I've never thought of it that way.

Yeah. Because, um, the landy mammals of our planet, which is humans.
Us. And via also elephants.
Oh, elephants. Elephants, huh? Yeah.
Yeah. And sea pups.
Oh, sea pups. Yeah, sea pups are mammals.
Sea pups. Yeah, orp, orp, orp, orp.
Sea pup. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So the land creatures, they need things to be defined.

Uh-huh.

That's why.

And so they just need – okay.

In the sky world, which is heaven, in the sky world, they don't have those – they don't put people in boxes and they don't have divisions and words for different things.

Do you think when you get to heaven there's no gender, no sex, no class? No, no. We're all the same? What's up, you? Like if I ran into Pamela Anderson in heaven.
You sure she's going up there? I'm pretty sure. Okay.
And her tits are. Whoa! Her tits will definitely be there.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
I'd say, what's up, you? What's up, you? And she'll be like, hey. Hi.
Yeah, I'm just, you know, lifeguarding. Lifeguarding? That's what she does.
In heaven? I'm sure. Is there a pool up there? Maybe.
All right. There's everything up there, by the way.
Oh, really? Have you been? Yeah, because it's like, you know, it's like the Matrix. Let's go back to the Matrix.
It's like you can manifest in heaven when you're an angel and stuff, any kind of world that you want. I believe.
I believe that to be true. Whatever you want it to be.
It's there. Mountain tops.
Some would say heaven is right here on Earth. It's not.
This is hell. This is hell? Sure.
Los Angeles is hell? No. This planet.
Have you ever been to Montana? Oh, it's beautiful. Pretty beautiful.
Yeah. That might be heaven.
Yeah, that's heaven. Maybe.
But let's go back to my Christianity, maybe. Sure.
Why not? When was the last time you went to church? Sunday. Oh, really? Yeah.
What's Korean Christian church like? Hello. Welcome.
Thank you. Yes.
Right now, I talk to you about Jesus Christ, our Lord and Flavor. If it said Ward and Flavor behind the pulpit, how hard? How hard would I laugh? No, if you were to Korea time on Vermont, right? There's a shirt that says R-O-R-D-A-N, right? Yeah.
S-A-B B right? O-R O-R Sabor Yeah, yeah. Lord and Sabor But anyway, so I believe in the Christian rules as well.
Like I believe in They shall not abort. They shall not kill.
Abort. Another topic we probably can't talk about.
The amount of topics that we're not allowed to talk about. That's why we started this.
New rules. We started the podcast this way because, you know, we want to – because of last week's episode.
Well, because the – We talked about some unsavory topic. Oh, somebody sent me something.
Look at this. So I showed you that Caliccio Storiccio, the Italian game where they just murder each other.
Oh, yeah, yeah. I loved it.
I forgot to watch that this week. Do you know what this is? What, Bo Taoshi? This Japanese game? No.
What is it? Oh, my. Okay, first of all, let's stop.
Stop. Yeah.
I love it already because there are stormtroopers in it.

Yes.

There's full-blown stormtroopers. I love Star Wars.
Stormtroopers, and for some reason they have those guys that direct airplanes out there right next to them that are just standing waiting to direct traffic. These people pay good money to see people do Bo Toshi.
It literally looks like because there's a lot of Asians in it too. Wait, there are? Yeah, that was right there.

It looks like there's 20 stormtroopers and about 120 Yodas.

This is a cool fucking Star Wars movie.

So, how about this?

Let's just have you guess what's going to happen next.

Oh, that's good.

That's good.

Okay.

So, all right.

So.

You're seeing one half of the quote unquote field, right? You're seeing – mirroring this is the same amount of men in the same amount of outfits. Okay.
Well, there's helmets going on. So I have to assume that they're going to use their head in some way.
That's correct. And those helmets seem like there's – it's a gigantic white kind of ball on their head.
You know what that looks like is jack-o'-lanterns made out of just white foam. Yep.
Right. So they're covering every dimension of their face.
So I can only assume that the guy into the right, right? In the red, yeah. Red right there is completely fucked.
Because he's got nothing on. Well, no, I think he has one, but I feel like they're all going to headbutt him.
Okay. At the same time.
That's a good guess. Yeah, yeah.
Rudy, do you want to take a guess over what happens next? Keep in mind, you're not seeing one element of this, but there's another team over there, and they're doing something that we don't see. Rudy, put your mic, please.
Say what you want to say. What? Get closer to the mic, please.
There it is. Please.
No, get your mouth closer to the mic.

I'm tired of... That's the attitude.

Okay, go ahead.

There it is.

I don't know.

I think they're going to march.

They're going to march.

They're going to march.

They're going to march to the other team.

They're going to...

And then I think they're just going to wrestle.

They're going to wrestle.

They're going to march to them. March to the other team and wrestle.
Not run. March.
A march is a specific. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. What are you thinking about? I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds like you've seen too much of that Hitler footage where they march.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So this is what you're missing.
What I left out of this on purpose is there is a man on a pole.

Both teams have a man on a pole.

Have you seen this before?

No.

A man is on a pole on both teams.

The goal is to take that man off.

It's basically capture the flag, but it's a man.

And your team has to take him down by any means necessary.

Okay, go ahead.

So they start out with a bow.

They always bow.

No matter what sport it is. Bow and a chant.
Yeah. Now they're ready to rock and roll.
Amazing. Look at that.
Man on a pole. Amazing.
Look at this. They have to charge him, and they can kick.
They can punch. They can do anything to get on top of there to take him off the pole.
Amazing. Look at how hard they kick each other when they get up there.
Look at the guys just kicking him in the face. And look at the little man on the top of the pole, holding on as tight as he can.
They charge and they jump on each other. And the reason they have helmets is because they get kicked in the face.

Kicked in the head as hard as they can.

Oh my god. Now watch.
Now that they've climbed up there's definitely somebody

on the bottom that's dead.

Somebody's dead. Look at that guy.

Skillful on the right. Yeah.
Look at his skill

level.

So essentially once they get to this man on the pole

if they can take him down and climb it themselves

You can punch. You can punch.

You can punch. You can punch.
You can choke him out. You can choke him out.
You can kiss him. Look at that.
Look at that. Oh, my God.
Shaking, kicking, kick, kick. Yeah, kick.
Get away, get away. Go off.
Get off. Get off.
Oh, my God. I die, I die.
And they almost have him. There's many men that die underneath that pile.
Oh, look at that. And then someone else got on from the other team.
Oh, if somebody goes up. I see.
Somebody tries to replace. No.
So if your team can rip down that man and then one of your teammates gets to touch the white pole at the top, that's a... All right.
You score. I want to do something.
Let's say you invented this game. I did.
And you're from Japan. I wanted to show it off to you.
You're Japan. Yeah, I'm Japan.
I want to see how you explain to your buddy how you invented this game, what the rules are. Oh, you're like the International Japanese Sport Council? No, just tell me.
And I come in? Yeah, so, yeah. So, you know – hey, Shimizitsu.
Hi. So we today – you know, I called you earlier last week about, you know, we don't have a lot of sports here in Japan.
We have a sumo. I have one for you.
Yeah, we have ninja. I like it.
You know, but I called you to see if you have a good idea about that. I have a great idea.
Really? Many men charge other men. Oh, wait, wait.
Stop, stop, stop. Fast as can Stop, stop, stop One man on pole Another man on pole Uh-huh They rip down men on pole And other men climb pole Oh Ever jerk pole at top hardest? Yeah, yeah Win day Wow Okay, let's do it Let me Wow Somebody came up with that Yeah, somebody's jerk him off a pole.
Yeah. Let's hit him as hard as we can off the pole.
Bo. How do you say that? Bo Taoshi.
Bo Taoshi. Taoshi.
But you realize, though, I'm sure there's so many sports that's been invented that just didn't make it to, like, the major leagues. Well, enough people were like, I don't want to play that.
Yeah, or I don't want to watch it. This is easy to watch.
I know, but it's like... Could you watch a lot of it? No.
Because there's no real skill. Do you think there's skill involved? In this? Yeah.
Strategy. Because the guy on the poll, there's probably one guy that everyone says.
Let's say I created my team.

Toko, you're the pole.

He's like, no.

No, why?

Because I saw you.

Remember that one time, right?

When we were eight, you were on top of that tree like a fucking koala.

And we go, get off the tree, Toko. And you're like, I don't want to.
You're done and coming down for four days. Four days.
You're on top of the boat. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But so there's that guy, right? So that's really not that much of a skill is to hang on. No, I think that takes a lot.
That's balance. That's coordination, don't you think? All right, balance, coordination.
But it's like you can do it your own way. Yeah, you don't have to jump and kick and try to hurt people.
And then the other people's skill level is to charge and climb. Yeah, climb is not really a skill, though, is it? That's why I said strategy.
Strategy. These guys just have good strategy.
Whoever knows how to topple over their best friend the best. Like how do you become a pro in this game uh i think this well this is what like five seven year old boys do every day they just you're like what is it king of the hill remember king of the hill or uh that's all you do is try to hurt each other to get to the top of something yeah when you play when you play with your brother as a little kid didn't you guys try to like hurt each other all the time and like see who could best each other at climbing something or getting on top of something yeah you did stuff like that didn't you yeah you know what i would do like would you ever push your brother down the stairs would you guys ever have do you have stairs in your house push my brother down the stairs yeah man i've done all kinds of stuff i used to he's sleeve i put bangay on his dick what yeah why it hurts so bad burns huh dude i've had it on.
Oh, my God. What you have to do, bro?

Yeah.

This is a right for every man.

Every man listening right now, right?

Listen up.

If you're a man, you will do this right now as we speak.

What?

You'll get Bengay, okay?

You'll go to your bathroom, and you'll take a glob of it, stick it all over your dick,

inside the hole of your dick.

No, Bob. No.
Inside? Not the hole. That would hurt.
All right, not the hole. Okay.
But on the outside. Sure.
Of the head. Yep.
You know, down your sacks, right? And just stand there, you know what I mean, without going inside a shower for about 30 minutes. 30 minutes.
Yeah. And it burns.
You won't be able to do it. Guys, send in a video if you're going to do that.

You're not going to be able to do it.

But imagine my brother now.

He's sleeping.

He's in eighth grade.

That's so funny.

So mean.

It's not.

That's so mean. It's a rite of passage.

Bengay on your brother's penis?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maybe you just wanted to feel your brother's penis.

What if it turns out I didn't have Bengay?

He's like, what are you doing?

You're like, I'm rubbing Bengay on you. He's like, your hand is dry.
I know. Good night.
Yeah, happy April Fool's. April Fool's.
It's June. Yeah, yeah.
Good night. Good night.
Good night. If anybody's going to do that, please send us a video because I do want to see that.
Yeah, I used to do all kinds of things with my brother, dude. You know what I did? The last one I did is I dropped a bunch of acid when I was in eighth grade.
Eighth grade you did a bunch of acid? Yeah, I took like probably four tabs. Jesus, I thought you did acid in high school.
No, in middle school. Junior high? Yeah, yeah.
Oh my God. It was in eighth grade and I remember going into my brother's room and just scratching his face.
Why? I don't know why. You were that messed up? Yeah, yeah.
I just started scratching his face. Was it bleeding? He's like, Bob, stop scratching my face.
You're hurting me. How old was he? And I'd be like, yeah? You're a fucking creature of the night, my friend.
How old was your brother? I'd say eighth grade. He's my age, right? Fifth grade.
Yeah. Wait, how old is your brother? My brother is 45 years old.
No, he's not. Yeah.
He is? Why? He looks so young. I know.
He's 46. When I see your younger brother, I think he's so much younger than you because he just has a baby face.
Yeah, my brother's only three years younger than me. That's crazy to me.
It's crazy. Because he's just got this like innocent face.
Also, I think he has an innocent demeanor. He's such a sweet guy.
You know what I mean? Have you met my brother? Jules, have you met my brother? He's a sweetheart. What's my brother's name?

Steve.

Uh-huh.

She looked at me like I was going to tell her no.

She was like this.

Steve.

Tell me I'm wrong.

Yeah, my brother is, you know, but my brother has always looked like that.

Like when he was 21, he probably couldn't buy booze because they were like, you're a kid.

Yeah, but also my brother just is, I think the way he acts in life too, and I'm the same way, I guess, is we're very childish. Yeah, but you're.
I don't know how anything really works. Same.
No, you do. You have some responsibility.
I meant I don't know how anything works for you. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Because you'll call me and go, you'll call me and go, yeah, I'm just working on the porch yeah or something like that I'll be working on something outside yeah like the ceiling the roof you know I'm doing a little thing I'm like what's going on why what do you think you'd know how to fix around your house Jules honestly do I know how to fix how about this could you replace a screen on a window? Do you think I could, Jules? I think you could, but it would take like three days. You think it would take three days? Yeah, or five.
Okay, what are these? A pipe is leaking onto the sink. What's your first move? Let's just do the honest response.
Yes. Wow.
The fucking pipe's leaking. Yeah.
I wonder why. So those are the thoughts in my head.
And then? And then I would probably just look at it, just kind of analyze where it's leaking, and just go, okay. And I'll probably take duct tape, duct tape whatever section.
Oh. Yeah.
You wouldn't call someone for help? No, duct tape it. That's the help.
Well, it would probably work, no? I don't – it depends on the leak, but probably not. Okay, but if that doesn't work, then I would go to Kalilah and be honest and go, listen, the leak, it's leaking.
I duct taped the sink and it got worse. It got worse And she'll yell at me Yeah Profusely Yeah Like you're a fucking moron You're an idiot And all that kind of stuff She says that? She says you're an idiot? Does she call you an idiot? She doesn't call me an idiot But she says things that are She'll say things like You're a child You don't know nothing Yeah, something like that.
And what do you say back? I go, yeah, I know. Yeah.
Yeah, and then I'll just go down and play Warzone. She goes, go downstairs and play your video games now.
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You're back the other day. I was telling Jules in the car.
And I don't know why, but this started a fight. I was watching last night you know alone season three with with kalilah no the new season of yeah the new episode that came out for season seven and um i had my mouth open because when i watch like this i have my mouth open because it's incredible smoke so much no i smoke.
I think just my mouth just opens. Trying to get oxygen in my body.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
And then she stuck her finger in my mouth. And I felt like there was something in my mouth.
And I go, what was in my mouth? And she giggled. And I go, what are you giggling about? She said, I put Bojo's eye burger in your mouth.
So Bojo is my youngest cat. Oh, my God.
I know. And she – I know.
And he gets these – right, Jules? He gets these thick-ass eye boogers. I'm going to throw up.
I know. And they turn black.
Jules, right? Back me up. They turn black.
So she puts Bojo's eye booger in my mouth. you know what When you have a cat's eye booger in your mouth There's a sensation that goes Over your body And I can only equate it to another sensation Which is rage Right So what I did was I dug in my nose Because I have so much Because I smoke and I sleep with my mouth open.
I have a booger fest just deep in the canals. You're the booger king.
I am, aren't I not? Mm-hmm. And I dug in a tricolor.
Where it's dark yellow and clear or something? Oh, red. Oh, that's not good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's bad.
I call it the tricolor. It's yellowish clear.
There's dark portions. Black almost.
Almost black. Yeah.
And streaks of red. Because of blood.
Yeah. And it's one of those ones with a hard tip.
Do you get what I'm saying? Yeah. So it's not slimy, but it's basically you pull out The hard tip of it It's softened No there's like Yellow and red entrails It's great So the hard tip Is between my Fingernail here Oh man And the entrails Of the fucking booker Is coming down like this Fans are loving this one What did you do with it? Why? What did you do with it? You think I should stop Talking you think I should stop talking about it no no no I just imagine some guy people people people tell us like I always watch you guys when I'm eating breakfast in the morning Monday mornings just fucking just having some eggs and toast I don't care I don't care what did you do I tried to stick it in her mouth.
No. She put a fucking cat's eye burger in my mouth.
No? No, no. I know, I know.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just the duality of it.
What's the proper retaliation? You hit her as hard as you can. Yeah.
I did that. No.
So she grabs my hand. She still blocks you.
Yeah, and it's almost in her mouth, right? And I almost get it in her lip, but then she looks at me and she goes, if that goes into my mouth, we're done. Yeah.
I know those ultimatums where it's like I'm not playing around anymore. Yeah, we're done.
So I stuck it, right? So I have this glass on the side of my end table, the table. I have this glass for my water.

And I stuck it at the tip of it. Oh, my God.

It's still there now.

Bob.

What?

But it's your glass.

Yeah, it's my booger.

It was already inside my body.

I know, so get it out.

Get it away.

Get it going.

No, no, no.

If I stick it back inside my body, who cares?

It's where it belongs.

What's so end with it?

No.

Yeah.

Boogers are gross to me.

Why? I don't know. I don't know why.
It's just yucky. I don't like that stuff.
You've never eaten it? You eat your boogers? Do you really eat your boogers? I have. When was the last time you ate a booger? When was the last time you ate a booger? You know, it's...
When was the last time... Let me go back, though, for a second.
Just give me a second. I want an answer.
We will give you an answer. I want to give you a fucking answer.
All right? But I'm going to tell you something. Yeah.
There are things in people's lives, private lives, right? What you do in secret, right? And you're in your privacy. Booger eating is not a thing that people do in their private lives.
Private lives is like I have too many drinks at night by myself. No, no, no.
There are things people do that, oh, no one's around. You look around first.
I don't eat – I've never eaten a booger where I haven't done this first where I looked around. And what does that mean? You probably shouldn't do it.
Maybe. Right.
But I don't want anyone to see me. It's like if someone says the N-word and they go, and they say it.
Right. Because they know they're not supposed to.
Is that what it... That's the only reason you would look around.
Yeah, but mine was just based on embarrassment. Yeah, you're right.
Yeah, you don't want to. You're right, you're right.
I've tried to justify it. When was the last time you did it? I don't know.
I don't... Because I don't eat a booger and go, hmm, that was a good one.
It happens enough that you don't know. I don't I don't because I don't eat a booger and go.
So that was a good one. It happens enough that you don't remember.
What? It happens enough that you don't remember. It happens often enough that you don't remember.
Oh, in my lifetime, you're asking me? It must happen regularly that you don't remember. Yeah, I don't remember.
So maybe a couple of days ago. No, I would have remembered a couple of days ago, but maybe a week or two in the but maybe a week or two within the month within the month within the month have you ever eaten a booger root no no no never never but have you ever pulled out a booger and rolled it for a while yeah i've rolled it for a while so what does the booger taste like to you i don't know i've never tasted it what do i think it tastes like? Mucus.
What's the flavor, though? What's the flavor? Yeah. Funyuns? No.
It's salty. Okay, funyuns are very salty.
That's exactly what they are. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like onion-y chips. Salty.
You've eaten a booger before, man. No, man.
You've eaten a fucking booger before in your life. Swear to God I have not.
That's ridiculous. The look of it is gross to me.
I've tried everything off of my body. I mean, I wouldn't even eat mushrooms until I was 30.
Sperm. Never.
You've never tasted your own sperm? Nope. Nope.
Well, me either. Yeah, right.
I haven't either. You've tasted— You've tasted your own sperm and other people's.

Yep.

Don't be like that.

Is that not true?

Don't say it like that.

Tell me is it true.

Have I tasted other people's cum?

Yeah.

Yes.

Okay.

Bad friends would like to apologize for the preceding segment.

Please watch the following clip to heal any trauma this may have caused.

I've never, no, never.

You never have.

Only things I've tasted in body stuff, blood.

Yeah, obviously.

Obviously, like my own blood.

Yeah.

Poo?

Never tasted, have you tasted poo? No. No way, man.
Smelled it, though. Oh, yeah.
When you wipe, do you smell it? You do, don't you? Yeah, don't you? No. You don't? What do you? No.
I can't. Do you stand up to wipe or you sit down to wipe? I stand.
I'm on my way. I have things to do.
You stand, wipe, go. I have things to do.
I'm on the go. So it's safe to say you're probably not all the way clean.
I am. You don't ever finish all the way.
You wipe and go. You don't even think about it if maybe it's...
No, because I have a Tushy at home. My Tushy...
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Tushy.com. Do you want...
Oh. What? Okay, I just want to defend myself real quick.
Oh, go ahead. Before we move on to the next topic.
You go ahead. No, no, no.
What are you doing right now? I'm setting up something for you because I want you to defend yourself for eating your own boogers. Okay.
What's wrong, Jules? You're ashamed of me? No. That's what that look is right there.
Yeah, that was. Yeah, you know what she was just doing now? This is what she did.
Why did you do that, Jules? No, no, no. This is what Andrew does.
I look over and she's doing the... No.
In that face, she's just like, should I move out? Like, who am I living with? Like, she's literally contemplating her life. Do you not...
Are you sick and tired of living with Uncle Tito? No. Are you? Be honest.
I'm not. Does that stuff bother you, the booger stuff everywhere? No, because I don't see it also.
So it's fine. Okay, you don't see it.
I do walk around the house in my underwear. Does that bother you? No.
There's no way it doesn't. But he puts, like, nails everywhere, including on my bed.
What? What do you mean, nails on your bed? Like, he eats his nails and then the remaining part, he puts it on my bed. Why do you do that, dude? Do you really do that? Listen, you fucking...
Wait, wait, you chew your nails and then then you put the And you put them on her bed

I'll do Listen You little one What the fuck Do you really do that No listen Calm down everybody No no no I'm just I'm listening Everyone just regroup yourself Okay Okay I have in the past With my nail clippings on my feet and my fingernails, given her some. Put some on her nightstand or on her bed.
What does that mean? It's a gift. Dude, I'm Bobby Lee, dude.
Oh, that's a gift that she should feel so lucky. I'm Bobby fucking Lee.
You know what, dude? What, dude? I'm going to defend myself.

The booger that I eat,

it's not just regular booger, baby.

What is it? It's Bobby Lee

booger. Bobby Lee boogers.
It's next

level. Are you looking for next

level boogers?

Bobby Lee boogers.

And it's a gift, so you're welcome.

You're welcome, Jules. You know what?

I agree with Bob. How about that? We've got some friends, some international friends that we haven't talked to in a long time.
Bad friends around the world. Hey, there's our boys.
Our boys. My little fucking love toys.
My sweet boys. My sweet boys.
I'm going to call you guys white cheeks. White white cheeks here we go with white cheeks hey guys hey the white cheek brothers what's up we miss you where are you guys from again Amsterdam what time is it there 1.22 the morning.
Yeah. Are you guys in quarantine or is the Netherlands...
I think they're done. It's kind of quarantine.
It's like we can do a lot of things, but we have to keep like one and a half meters. That's like...
No, six feet would be two meters. Oh, really? A meter is three feet.
Why inches no they don't have extra inches we have less but they have less they have less than yeah i mean less into we're greater than them yeah yeah we're better than that we are better we're better than them and you know that they know we get more distance yeah so wait a minute so so amsterdam the netherlands is is uh you guys are almost all done right um yeah Yeah, I think so. Is everything open? Yeah, everything's open.
So you guys are not sitting a meter and a half apart from each other. You're right next to each other.
So why don't you turn and give each other a kiss to prove us that the Netherlands are done? If COVID is really done, why don't you give each other a kiss? Go ahead. On the lips.
On the lips. There you go.
On the lips. Do it.
Do it or we don't believe it. We don't believe you.
We, we, oh, okay, okay. Give him a kiss on the cheek so I can prove that COVID is over.
Is COVID over? Yeah. Yeah.
It's over. They solved it.
They solved it. You guys solved the problem.
Now, do you guys have a mask mandate? I mean, do you guys walk around in public with masks on? Yeah, but nobody – like in shops, you don't have to. So nobody does it in the shops.
But in public transit, you have to wear it. Right.
But when you go – like how about – do you guys go to a gym? You guys don't. Do you guys go to a gym? Yeah.
When you go, do you have to wear a mask?

No, I don't think so.

Wow.

You just need to make an appointment and no mask.

No mask.

Did you guys get tested?

No, I didn't.

Nope.

Not yet.

Did anybody you know get it?

Yeah, my dad got it.

Oh.

Is he okay?

Yeah, he's okay.

It was like pretty false.

He didn't have it again. He didn't have it anymore.
Did he get really sick or no? Like, one or two days. He was really sick, and after that, it was, like, better.
Did he do anything weird while he was sick? Did he act differently? No, no. Nothing? It was just, like, sick, and he had a fever fever.
But he was... Were you worried? Yeah, of course.
Oh, yeah? Yeah. But it's like, I didn't think it was like that bad because it was only two days.
Two days, that's not bad. He's like, he would walk around with your boner and we thought that was the COVID.
But that's just my dad. Weird, guys.
Is that a good accent? Does that sound good? It was dead on. My dad would walk with a boner and he would suck.
And we thought COVID was the boner reason. But he was just a dead guy.
Goofy guy. My dad.
Yeah. Is that a good accent? Let's hear Bobby's.
I cannot even try it. Tell me what to say.
Tell him a phrase to say and then he'll say it back to you. I'm going to the supermarket.
Or in Dutch. I'm going to the supermarket.
That's like a robot. I'm going to that show by my hat.
It's like a Jim Carrey robot. Do you guys think we sound like robots? Bobby's impression of you.
I think you sound like a robot. Wait.
Did we say a phrase in Dutch and then you reply? Oh, yeah. Okay.
So we say, I'm going to the supermarket. Okay.
Ik ga naar de supermarket. Ik ga naar de supermarket.
Ik ga naar de supermarket. Oh, wow.
Okay. Ik ga naar de supermarket.
No, but you said supermarket normal. Ik ga naar de supermarket.
Now, give us a more advanced phrase. Give me a more advanced phrase like, why are you leaving mom, dad? Valum falaka mama pop.
Valum falaka mama pop. Valum falaka mama pop.
Valum falaka mama pop. Valum falaka mama pop.
Valum falaka mama pop. Valum falaka mama pop.
Okay, okay. yeah make a song out of it yeah do you guys have girlfriends um no not yet not yet good good stay that way be free i forget how old they were they're 17 and 16 right no 17 and 18 18 They're brothers? No They're not brothers They're best friends They're 17 and 16, right? No, 17 and 18.
18. They're brothers? No.
They're not brothers. They're best friends.
They're you and me. Best friends.
The one on the left is the Asian guy, and the one on the right looks like me. This is you and I in a mirror.
Who's, by the way, is that a Harvard shirt? Are you wearing a Harvard shirt? Yeah, I'm wearing a Harvard shirt. Did you get into Harvard? No.
No, no. no i wish i know but you're probably smart enough you you seem like really smart boys you guys could get into a good school like that don't you think um yeah it's uh no i don't think harvard because it costs costs a lot of money yeah it's expensive we're going to university next year we would ever find you guys in la would you ever come to los ang? Yeah, sure.
Yeah, I've been to Los Angeles once. Oh, really? How much fun would it be for us to fly these guys out? Have lunch with these guys.
When the pandy's over, we should get you guys to LA. When the pandy's over, let's have a lunch with these two.
We would really love that. That would be awesome.
But here's the deal. We're going to fly you here, but you have to stop five or six times.
So we're going to fly you. You'll stop once in Iceland, new york then you're gonna go on a donkey for about 50 miles 50 miles on a donkey in mexico and then we're gonna fly you to wisconsin where you got a shovel snow in the winter then we'll get you here eventually let me ask you guys another question um what other podcasts do you listen to um i i like like all the comedian joe rogan Right now, a lot of Two Bears, One K.
I don't know who that is. I don't know.
It's the one with... They haven't mentioned anyone that I've heard of.
Any other ones that you like? I like Tiger Belly. Oh, yeah.
Whiskey ginger. Those are the only two.

That's it.

How do you feel about Jules?

Yeah, do you guys like Jules?

You like Rudy?

Yeah.

Comedy?

We do.

No, no, no.

Just as a person.

Yeah, as a person.

Yeah, yeah.

Of course, yeah.

We both love Rude.

Yeah, and you guys are the same age, no?

We are.

I tried it last time, but it didn't work.

It didn't work.

What?

She didn't like him.

She didn't like him, yeah. Nope.
No. He said they flirted a little time, but it didn't work.
It didn't work. What? She didn't like him.
She didn't like him, yeah. No.
He said they flirted a little bit, and it didn't work. Look at how embarrassed she is.
Embarrassed. But here's the thing, right? Because I think when Rudy joined the show, it made the show better.
Yes, it did. Bad Friends became way more.
Bad Friends became better with Rudy. Isn't that so nice? Feel nice, Rudy? Rude.
Look at her. The boys can't see you because they're facing this way.
Yeah, they can't see you. Isn't that so nice? Isn't that nice? Yeah.
Say something to the boys. Say thank you to the boys.
Thank you. That was such a parent that was like, go thank them right now.
She's a sweet girl. We love her so Also, Andreas.
Andreas, yeah. We love Andreas.
So what does that mean? You hate George? Is that what it is? Well, he's your least favorite. He's your least favorite.
Well, I've never heard him on the podcast doing something. Yeah, we try to put him in the corner.
Yeah, we try to put him in the corner. So you love Andres.
We're going to... What would you...
How about this? Bobby and I go back and forth over what segment Andres should do. What would you like to see Andres do? What would be your favorite thing to watch him do other than read the news or jokes? What would you like to see him do? Maybe a sketch.
Some kind of sketch. Oh, you want to write a sketch for him? Okay, that's really funny.
We're going to make andres do a sketch that we write we should be in the sketch as well though i just think it'd be we're gonna push rudy to have some lines as well that's true so if we did a sketch like uh you guys email me a sketch that you want me to read i know i have it right here you guys told me you guys wrote a sketch they did they emailed it to me it's here in front of me. It says, we'd like to see Andres do blackface.

That's what you guys said.

We want to oblige.

So Andres, who can hear us right now, he's listening.

He's going to have to do a sketch in blackface.

And that's what the fans want.

Don't you think that's what our fans and our friends want?

Yes. We want that.

We'll have him do that.

What's been going on for the rest of the summer, you guys?

Do you have any plans, or has COVID just made it

so you can't really do much?

I've enjoyed

myself, but it kind of

sucks. It kind of sucks.
You can't travel anywhere.

Listen, we're all affected by this,

guys. We're all really bummed about this.
It is a bizarre world we live in right now it stinks and um we just have to take it day by day and you know what nothing is forever and it's going to change and we will get back to our normal lives we'll be back to square one we will be you guys want to ask anything before we let the jet set you guys want to say anything say anything? Yeah. Do you want to promote? Yeah.
We had a question. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah. So there was this episode on Tiger Belly where you guys talked about a special podcast episode that you two recorded with each other and it never got released.
Right. Do you Do you guys have anything of context about that? You can tell us.
Anything about that podcast. All right.
I'm going to just say this. If we released that podcast, our careers would be over.
It would be cancelled forever. It's far worse than anything that you've ever heard.
Yeah. We just say a lot of bad stuff because we were jumping on each other.
Yeah. And we were angry at each other like we always are.
But then we said, let's just do one. Let's just keep going.
But no one's ever going to hear it. Let's just say whatever we want to say.
And we did. So we say things that are so evil and so bad.
They're very bad. Very bad.
You'll never hear it. You'll never hear it.
One day – how about this? One day. One day when I die.
One day when Bobby's dying and I'm laying dying next to him. We will release it.
We'll release it, but we'll sell it for charity money. And all the money will go to our favorite charity, and it'll release right as we're dead.
So it'll take care of it. By that time, it won't be that big of a deal.
The world will have changed so much. Listen, boys, I'll never forget you again.
I love you. Please visit us again.
I love you guys so much, okay? Thank you guys for staying up to be on the show. The cheeks.
We love you. The white cheeks.
Ladies and gentlemen, the white cheeks.

Bye, guys. Thank you.

We had fun.

They are the best.

We love those fucking dudes, man.

These boys are very European.

They're cute boys.

They're cute boys.

They're cute boys.

You don't like them.

I like anime.

She likes anime.

She needs therapy.

I like anime.

Yeah, she needs therapy. Wow.
You really do. You don't like real people.
Only Harry Styles. Yeah, I get that.
He's cute. He's a cutie patootie.
Yeah, I really like him. It's funny because, you know, I'm on that game show and Ben Winston.
Yeah, Ben's a good looking guy. But Ben also discovered Harry Styles.
Did he? Yeah, because he used to be the producer of X Factor. What's it? Is it like American Idol? That's the same thing, right? X Factor was before American Idol.
It was? Right. And One Direction was discovered on X Factor.
So Harry Styles auditioned. I didn't know that.
Yeah, he was on the show, X Factor. Wow.
And Simon Cowell brought One Direction together, right? Yeah, right. He, like, produced them or whatever.
No, he produced X Factor with Ben Winston. And then they discovered.
So Ben Winston and Harry Styles are almost best friends. So can we hang out? Well, you know, if they do another second season, I think I'll be comfortable enough.
Even though when the pandemic is over, I think there will be a chance where I can call somebody and go, can we get backstage passes or something? Meet and greet. Yeah, so that Jules can meet him.
How nice is that? How nice is that? What do you have to say? What if he's rude, though? It will disappoint you? Here, I'm Harry Styles, and you guys just came backstage. Ready? Yeah.
Hey.

Hey, what's up? Hello, hello. Big fan, big fan.
Oh, yeah, thanks. Sure, yeah, yeah.
No doubt. This is my niece, Jules.
She's a really big fan. Hey, what's up, Jules? What's up? Hi, I really like you.
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Hey, what's up? Hey! It's Oscar! Wait, he's from what? Let me guess where he's from. You don't remember where he's from? I do.
Kind of vaguely know. He's Irish? Is he Irish? Yeah.
Wait what let me guess where he's from you don't remember me i do no i kind of vaguely know he's irish is he's irish yeah he's no wait let me give you a sec he's from new zealand yep where are you from i'm from sweden pretty close so close new zealand sweden what's the difference between now new zealand sweden is you have ireland yeah new zealand not even right now I know. Sweden's.
So you have Ireland? Yeah. New Zealand.

Not even.

Right?

Yeah, no.

Sweden's right there.

So Ireland.

Yeah.

New Zealand.

Yeah.

Underneath the earth.

Yeah.

Sweden is right there.

Over here.

Oh, it's not.

Yeah, not even close.

Oh, fuck.

My bad.

That's almost.

Yeah, that's bad.

That's very far. That was probably the worst guess I could have.

That's fine.

It's fine.

What's up, bud? What's up, dude? I'm good. I'm good.
Can't complain. How about you guys? We're good.
You look more jacked than normal. Last time we commented how jacked this dude was.
Have you been working out more? Not really, actually. I've been just sleazing around, but thank you.
Wait, did you say sleazing around? Yeah. He's a little fuck machine.

Look at that fuck machine. Flex both of your arms real quick so we can see where you're at.
Flex them. Yeah.
There he is. Whoa, he did the fucking turn to the sky.
Yeah, because he's able to get him. He knows.
Do the hair thing. Do the hair thing.
Do the hair thing. There you go.
Yeah go yeah baby hey so um in sweden are you guys in quarantine still or i don't know what's going on over there well i'm not in sweden right now because i'm in japan i live in japan yeah so i'm not that's true yeah which is closer to to australia and new zealand there you go so you very good so in um Japan, they're very stringent, right, in terms of the rules? No, I think Japan is pretty lax compared to other countries. Oh, really? Yeah.
Are you wearing a mask outside? Yeah. Yeah, I do.
I do because it's like everyone does it. So if you don't have a mask people will look at you like hey you're trying to kill people right i'm not trying to kill people so i just have a mask his his fucking room too looks very japanese yeah it does look very japanese can we see around it's like fucking the grudge oh wow that place is cool fuck yeah i have nightmares about this Yeah, I have nightmares about this place There's a little fucking white-faced boy up there Yeah Wait, wait, exactly.
Can we see can we see out the window? Is there a window right there? Yeah, yeah to see What time is it there? In the morning. Oh, look at that view.
What a beautiful view. Nice.
Look at the garden and the temple. You can see the temple from your view.
Yeah, yeah. Hey, now that the window's open, yell out there, yell out.
Everybody watch Bad Friends. Just give us some.
Everybody watch Bad Friends! Oscar, do you have any fluency level of Japanese or no? Do you not speak it at all? Yeah, I speak. I can survive for sure.
You can? Oh, wow. Let me ask you something.
You're there as an – is he an animator? Is that why he's an artist? He's anime. He is anime.
Are you an artist out there? What do you do for work out there again? Well, I am anime, but also I teach English and i go to a japanese language school oh but his but his ultimate goal remember you remember his ultimate goal yeah what do anime is to be an anime animator animator animator and um do you are you attracted to asian women i love asian women i love all women, but Asian women are pretty legit. Wow.
What a good phrase. They're pretty legit.
You should just be a fucking superhero. You have all of the markings of a superhero.
You have great phrasing. Your accent's good.
You got a nice... Look at that fucking jawline.
You could cut wood with that thing. He's so cute.
I don't know why you don't get into... have you ever tried to be an actor you could be the next uh action hero star yeah uh sure can i try something with you give me a scene absolutely yeah let's do it yeah uh help me help me i'm never gonna let this broad go what are you gonna do about it tough guy is she asian yeah, you can see she's Asian.

Look at her face.

Stop. Don't break

the scene.

I'll kill her right now. Back up.

You're going to kill me with a gun. Back up.
Get me the money

or I'll kill the girl.

I will save you.

I will help you.

Very much.

Where are you going? I'm out of here. That guy scares me.
You did it. You did it.
Really good movie. Man, that was really, really good.
Really good action scene. We could get you in something.
I feel like we could get him in something. Oh, so if we write our sketch, we should include Oscar in it, right? Well, we are going to do a movie one day, Andrew and I.
We should. And we will have you in the movie maybe.
Yeah. Yeah.
Thank you very much. I will absolutely do my best.
You'd be a villain though for sure. Yeah, 100.
Yeah. Yeah, because we said that before.
He looked like Viggo Mortensen. Look at that forehead.
Viggo? Yeah, Viggo Mortensen. You have a beautiful forehead.
Yeah, you do. It's big.
It's up there. Thank you, Bobby.
Thank you. Oscar, what's been going on on your schedule? Tell us what the life is like right now in Japan in the summer of COVID.
Well, not much has been going on in my life. I'm studying.
I'm doing my work. Just trying to do the best I can every single day.
Bars are still open, but not as lively as they used to be. Do you get depressed?

Oh yeah, I've been

depressed all my life.

I have a bond with you because I too

have been depressed all my life.

What are you depressed about, do you think?

Well, I think the lack of color in that room is a dead giveaway.

We should throw something

up on those walls, Oscar. Can we

send you something to throw up on that wall? If me and Bobby send a picture of us will you put it on your wall i will i will very much appreciate it we're taking it we're taking a hey we're taking a photo and we're going to give it to him of us and we'll sign it say thinking about you oscar okay we don't want anything to happen to you we love you we love you we got to get you some we want you to smile because you got you're you're uh you're a great dude we love you see that smile there it is that's what

that's what i that's what i was hoping for no oski oscar thank you my buddy um what are some things that you we can improve on in our podcast yeah tell us improve on um like that's a good question i think you're doing it very well thank you you had like you have this dynamic like bobby is of course bobby and andrew you don't you don't fall into bobby's games you have your own opinions and you play with each other and you sometimes you go very hard at each other with your own opinions yeah and it just keeps keeps going but that's enjoyment for me so i like it i love it oscar you know my honest truth i was i woke up the other day and i was like do i love or hate andrew there really is that no honestly there really is that question sometimes i fucking hate? Yeah. But I think at the end of the day, if you died, it would really devastate me.
So that's how I know I love you. Thanks.
Oh, that's a good point. I don't have any more love in my heart to give

to you than I already have done

so at this point

I am

I feel like I'm your stepdad

I love you and I know I love you

but it's hard for me to show it

because I want to fucking kill you most of the time

that's how I feel about you

then we're good

that's how I feel about him

and Oscar you're the glue that binds us

I know the movie

The movie is you and I are a gay couple. Of course.
Right? And we adopted him. You know what I mean? From Sweden.
But he was like 17. And we live in Japan.
We live in Japan. And it's two, you know what I mean? Yeah.
Stubborn gay lovers. We three guys.
And our son.

And our son.

Yeah.

And our beautiful son, Oscar.

Our son, Oscar.

And we're in Japan, and you are, of course, an engineer of some kind.

And a ventriloquist.

And a ventriloquist.

Yes.

And I am a street vendor.

I sell food in Japan.

What's your favorite street vendor food in Japan?

Street vendor food. What do you get on so i like seafood they have very nice fresh seafood okay and the market i'm a see i'm a market i do i work in the fish market or maybe you have a low grade sushi stand right it's the old fish it's old fish i have all the old it's called old fish yeah my market's called old fish yeah it's all that you what you do is you get your fish from all the other sushi restaurants that are that they throw their fish out yeah that they got when when the guys like when uh uh hero is like no good and i'm like i just take it with me and i go oh do you ever see that do we ever talk about that that documentary dreams of sushi have you ever seen that documentary Euro Dreams of Sushi? No, I haven't seen it.
I heard about it. It's really good.
You should go visit him. You should go.
They're in the bottom of one of the train stations. I forget which one.
Yeah, it took it. You need a four month reservation to get there.
Yeah, but look at how cool he is. Oscar can get in there.
You knew who went there? Andrew Schultz. Yeah, I know.
I know. He told me that.
He hated it. Yeah, he said it wasn't that good, but nothing was going to live up to the hype.

You know?

What did you do in Japan when you first got there that you thought was going to be great,

but it turned out to be not worth the hype?

Did you do anything like that when you moved there?

What did we go?

The rice?

Rice is good.

Rice is good.

Everything has been good in Japan so far.

Yeah. I mean, you know people when they talk about when AI gets sentient like what happens like ultimate intelligence get emotions yeah Japan it'll be Japan Japan's the best I think when the singularity happens and machine has consciousness yeah i think japan will be the first country that'll be taken over by machine but but see taken over sounds negative i bet you they'll be immersed with machinery working as one there's gonna be a war in our country we will have a war i think in america we'll have a machine war i think over there in japan they'll have figured it out.
Yep, the machines will all be connected. It'll be man versus machine.
There's no division. They're not like, we're Japanese robots.
We're cool. Yeah, there are other Japanese robots.
What I'm just saying is that they're all connected. They're going to be connected through the internet.
They're all going to think the same. That's not true.
And you go to Japan. Does a dog speak English or Japanese? Oh, yeah.
Japanese dog. That's right.
That's right. Japanese dog.
Yeah, they bark different. Yeah.
Haruk! Haruk! Haruk! Right, they do bark different. Yeah.
And the cats go? Mioruk! Mioruk! Mioruk! Mioruk! Mioruk. Yeah, you're right.
Oscar, we love you to death. And I want you to keep being happy and smiling because we like you more like this.
If you ever get bummed out, you let us know. Yeah, do not harm yourself ever.
And do you have a girlfriend now or no? No, not right now. I'm dating a girl though.
Ooh. Can you tell us anything or what? Yeah, everything.
She's Filipina. You know Bobby.
Hit the wink. Does she live in Japan? She lives in Japan, but she's from the Philippines originally.
Right on. She's very great.
She's very great, he said. What what does she do what does she do oscar oh she's also a teacher okay you met at work yeah awesome and and what's what you guys are doing for fun are you guys going on dates can you go out on dates uh is restaurants all open there or no yeah we have a lot of places open rest we go to restaurants drink coffee mostly we just like talk you know what's incredible to me is that my our friend here lives in japan he's from sweden and he still for some reason listens to bad friends what do you mean he yeah no but it's just such a weird idea to me you mean it's just like uh hard to think it's real yeah i mean it's it feels good to me that he likes us.
Yeah. But it's just almost unfathomable in my mind.
I can tell you, start fathoming it because Oscar is our lifelong friend. That's really nice.
It makes me feel warm hearted. Thank you.
Yeah, me. Absolutely.
Me too. And I appreciate you guys.
I'm Bobby. I've been listening to you since like Opie and Anthony.
Oh, wow wow long time ago and all and all you've been doing like all your all the success you have right now it like it makes me generally feel very good and i'm so happy for you isn't that nice it really feels like a like a friend we're my friend friend. You're my friend.
One time before.

You're my friend, too.

Thank you.

It is kind of cool to see him ascend in his career.

And you know what the most remarkable thing is, honestly, more than anything?

And I mean this.

He deserves almost none of it.

And it is cool to watch.

He's crying.

He's crying, Ask.

Do you see he's crying?

All right.

Sign off and say goodbye.

Ask, do you want to say anything else? Fuck you. Hey, enough.
Do you want to say anything else or do you want to ask a question, Ask? Do you have anything else before we sign off? I get emotional. Fuck you.
Lie. No, I'm too nervous to think of anything.
I love you, buddy. We love you, Oscar.
You're the best, buddy. Look at Bobby showing his boobs for you.
Show your boobs there for us. There you go.
Bye, buddy. Bye, buddy.
I love you. Bye, buddy.
He's great. I really did get emotional.
That was not a fucking lie. And you fucking had to put me down.
You faked it. So you might have got emotional after the fact, but you faked it at the beginning.
Look at that. You faked it at the beginning.
You know what that is? You faked it at the beginning. She knows.
Did he fake it at the beginning? I don't know. See? Look it look I know but you can do that at any point in time because you're holding in so many emotions you can make yourself cry over anything I think I want the Swedish guy to date Rudy the Swedish guy he's like our age oh he is yes no I thought he was in his early 20s maybe I'm wrong maybe he's not but I he's in his early 20s I thought you said he is? Yes.
Oh. No, he's a fucking...
I thought he was in his early 20s. Maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe he's not, but I... He's in his early 20s.
I thought you said he was cute. Yeah, but I didn't say...
You were dating him? Yeah. All right, all right.
He looks more mature, for sure. All right.
How old does he look to you? 25. I would say 28, 30, 5.
All right. No, but let's...
Hey. Let's make it happen.
Well, I don't – it's funny because I feel like I'm Rudy's dad, American dad. I'm sure.
No, there is a feeling of that. No, I don't disagree.
Yeah, and I for some reason want her – I don't want her to like go to school and come back and go, I have a new boyfriend and it's some fucking dirtbag. I want to be able to – you know what I mean? I want to be able to go yeah or no.
First of all, she's out in a year. She's going to go to school somewhere and she's not going to bring home a boyfriend to you.
She's never going to tell you. Are you? Are you going to tell him? If it's like serious, yeah.
Family. You think she's going to get serious with a boy soon? No, she's focused on school and life and things she cares about.
Anime. And Harry Styles.
Ding dong, the country's gone. Let's go.
Woo! Ding dong, the country's gone. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.
We're locked down, can't go out, can't go out to eat with friends. Because people won't wear masks, so we have to stay at home.
Ding dong, country's gone. Rip your cheeks off with my fucking fingers.
Rip my cheeks off? Yeah. Rip my cheeks off with your dirty little fingernails.
I wish you would wash them more than you could. Rip my cheeks.
Yeah? Yeah? You really, really do irritate me, though. You irritate me.
You get me so angry and rageful. And it's like I've known you all.
Hold on. Is that music? Oh, are you cleaning a knife? Yeah.
What is that for? I just bought it. Brought it.
What? what what i just brought it at home you brought that knife yeah here i asked that to kalilah if like i can play with it and like maybe decorate it here and she said yeah wait wait whose knife is that i've never seen that knife before in my life No, I bought it at home and then I brought it here. You bought it in the mail?

Yeah.

And you brought it in the mail? Yeah. And you brought it here? Yeah, on Amazon.
Holy. You brought that.
And what is that knife for? I thought that I could play with it, but then I thought also that I could decorate my table. Oh, you want to decorate your table with a fucking That's her station.
Cling on hunting knife? That's your station. You're allowed to do whatever you want to your station.
This is really weird because I did not see Dude, I heard a sing sing and I'm thinking it's music. No.
No, I'm serious. I heard sing sing and I'm thinking oh, someone's got music on in their headphones.
No. But she's cleaning the knife.
Yeah. It's kind of rusty.
Did you know this was, you brought this, you saw her bring this in? I swear to God on my mother's life that I did not see her bring that into the car. No, I did.
You remember when we got out, I grabbed my hand at the back. Is there a sleeve that it goes in? Is there like a leather pouch? Yeah.
I think you cleaned it enough. Stick it back in the pouch.
Can I see it? Yeah. Yeah.
Holy shit. This has the dried blood of soldiers on it.
Look at that. That's the dried blood of men.
Yeah. Where did you buy this, Rude? Amazon.
Yeah, but from a guy? Yeah. Is it handmade? I don't know, but it was like $25.
Do you want to cut something? That's all it was, is $25? Yeah, that's fine. Let me see.
Should I cut this as hard as I can? No. Why? Can I hold on to it? God, I don't trust you with it so much.
Give me the fucking knife. Say please.
Please. Fuck no.
Jagoff. You're a jagoff.
Giving you a fucking weapon. I'm giving you a weapon? Really? I don't have Amazon.
I can't get a knife as well. Then get a knife and bring one yourself.
I will. I'm going to bring other things as well.
Okay? Give me the knife. Put your hand out real fast.
Let me do the knife game. You know the knife game? All right, do it.
See what happens. Okay.
Go ahead. Put it more in the middle.
I can't really. All right, ready? Oh, man.
This is so fucking... Can I do yours now? No, because you'll stab me on purpose as a bit.
No, you're going to do it as a bit. I'm not going to do it.
Why would I stab you as a bit? I wouldn't do it. Because you would do it and then you'd go, oh my God, I was just kidding.

Yes, you were.

What?

You have no trust with me.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

Put your fucking hand down or I'm leaving.

That's not fair.

If you stab my fucking hand.

Yeah.

I'm dead serious.

Yeah.

I'm going to fucking beat the shit out of you.

You don't think that that's going to be a...

Yeah.

Be a man, dude. Slow.
You cucksucker. No, no, go faster.
Ah, fuck this shit. Rudy, Rudy, why do you have this? That's so scary that you have that.
I thought... I don't know.
Get close to the mic. Rudy, get close to the mic.
This is important.

You thought what?

I thought that I could decorate.

I know, but...

Yeah, but get candles and photographs.

That's what people use in America.

Yeah, but then everyone's saying that I'm Rudy with a knife.

You are Rudy with a knife.

Because you had one dream, but that doesn't make you who you are.

Because you had a dream. But it's also nice you who you are.
Because you had a dream.

But it's also nice. She does like knives.

She does like knives. Oh my god.

She's a spooky girl. Wait a minute.

Can I just say something? At five in the morning,

I'll just go out to get a water, and she's just

kind of, with her hair over her face, wandering

around the house. Do you do that to freak him

out, or just... No.

I usually just do that.

You just walk around? Yeah.

And I don't... Rudy, leave the knife out

if you... Do you want it on the wall? Yeah.

Okay, we'll do it after the show. I'll put...

So she'll wander around the house.

She wanders around the house at five

in the morning and you go,

hey, Juliana,

and nothing.

Why don't you respond, Rude?

Sometimes I don't hear him. Do you not want to hear him or do you genuinely not hear him? No, I don't hear him.
And that's why he gets mad that I don't say good morning to Bobby. Yeah.
You get mad because maybe she doesn't hear you. No, there's something going on.
She's probably spaced out. She has those, like, I'm about to snap eyes.
Yeah. You know, like when she tells me when she tells me and she has to learn how to do this better.
But take out the trash. We asked last time and you said it really nice.
No, but she does it like this. Tito Bobby, take out the trash.
Take out the trash. As if if I don't, there are consequences.
And I don't know what those are. Filipino witchcraft? They do that.
They have that. Yeah.
And she likes to eat old food. Like leftovers? Yeah.
Leftovers. No, but real old.
Like it's been in there for a while. Like four week, five week old fucking sandwiches and shit.
You don't get sick from that? Just one week, not four weeks. One week is not that bad.
No, there's been something that's been for weeks and weeks. Rudy, have you bought more than one knife on the internet so far? Yeah, I have three more in the house.
Do you know that? Do you seriously not know that she has three knives at the house? I don't know. Are they that size? There's one that's bigger and then there's another one that's like just small.
You created a monster, dude. The Rudy with the knife thing took off and now she's got knives.
This is how it starts. This is how those shows start.
She'll go like this too. Uncle Tito, Tito Bobby, look.
And she'll look and it'll be like someone will draw a photo of her with a knife. But she'll look like almost as if this is who I am.
I mean, do you love knives? Get the Bobby look. This is who I am.
She does like knives. But what do you love about the knife? What do you love about ordering these knives that makes you feel good? Is it protection? No.
I like the style, but then it's also because of anime. Anime.
Always they have a lot of knives and swords. You know, honestly, this anime thing, because this is a God honest truth.
Every time I walk by her room and she leaves it cracked open. She wants you to know.
And she just has her big jungle feet. She has big feet, by the way.
I know. And she'll just be there and she'll be watching anime 24 hours a day.
Just watching. And every once in a while, I'll look through and she'll look at me like this.
And she'll go back to the anime. There's something wrong.
Yeah, but I think it's a good thing. She's finding a new hobby.
She's not on drugs. Yeah, not on drugs.
She doesn't do drugs. Run around with loser dudes.
She doesn't hang out with loser dudes.

But she is going to get her license, right?

Yeah.

Are you?

Yeah, we're going to get her a driver's license.

Can we film her getting her driver's test?

Oh, yeah, that'd be great.

Will you do that?

Can we film you driving?

Is that possible?

Yeah, we can put a GoPro in the car. Yeah, we have fucking the equipment.

Cameras, yeah.

We can do all that stuff.

Yeah.

Are you down?

Yeah.

Let's do Jules takes us for a drive.

Yeah. Will you get in the car? Can you and I get in the car with her or no? Never.
Why? Have you driven before ever? In the Philippines. Never once here in the United States? No.
Why don't you drive home? You want to drive home? No. Please? Yeah.
Please drive home. Please.
Rudy, please. It's so easy.
It's so easy. Put your foot on the gas and let it go, go, go.
And as soon as something gets in the way, hit it. You gonna drive home? No.
Let her drive. Seriously, will you do it? I think Kalilah's gonna get mad.
She won't even know. Yeah, Auntie Kalilah is the ruler of the house.
Ruler of the house. Maker of the...
Why? Why can't... What if you didn't tell her? What if we get into an accident? That's true.

But then?

But then?

We switch seats.

You switch seats.

Right.

And the cop will go ahead.

I'm the one that ran over the family.

The entire family?

There was seven people that you ran over.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, well, Rudy.

Really?

Rudy, we're going to talk about the knife thing later. We're going to talk about the knife thing off camera, I'm sure.

Honestly, I'm freaked out that I wasn't able to notice that she brought the fucking knife into the fucking car. I'm beginning to think the knife was already here.
No. No, it was not here.
I was here earlier and there was nothing on the floor. You brought that in.
Look at me right now. Okay, look at me right now.
Yes. No.
Yes, what? Tito Bobby. Okay, Tito Bobby.
You promised me that you brought that knife into my Prius and brought it here to the studio. Yes.
And if I find out that you're lying, I'm going to put a booger in your mouth. Okay.
Okay? All right. Okay.
I'm a man of my word. He is.
Okay. All right, come here.
For this, here's what I want you to do.

Take your headphones off and walk back here with your knife and get between us and let's sign off together.

Okay?

Because last time she didn't sign off.

Yeah, and I thought the video was only me.

Yeah, because we caught you not signing off.

So I want to see it with us right here because that's part of the...

Or we'll cut to just you.

We're a team.

You either come with us or you're...

Yeah, see? There we go.

Go near Tito with that

knife. Holy fucking shit.
Dude, she is gonna

fucking kill you guys.

100%. Okay, so there we go.
Now look

right in the center camera. One, two, three.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

I didn't hear you.

I didn't hear her either.

I did.

Loud.

Do it on your own.

On your own.

Do it on your own.

Ready?

One, two, three.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

Good.

Knife is so legit.

You're careless with your eyebrows.

You don't trim them.

You let them go crazy. What is it?

Is he organizing this show?

It's amazing.

On this day of history.

I'm just going to fire. You just wand with me.
Oh, he's just chomping into your video game. Andreas, here's Bobby.
Bobby, tell him. Bobby, you tell him to go fuck himself.
You fucking son of a bitch. I swear to fucking God, dude.
All right? I put you on the podcast map. You're dead, Andreas.
Andreas, log off. You guys log off.
No, don't log off. Yeah, yeah.
I put you on the podcast map. You're dead, Andres.
Andres, log off.

You guys log off.

No, don't log off.

Yeah, yeah.

I like your shirt.

Woo.

Woo.

Woo.

Yeah.