Pandas and Horses and Sheep, Oh My!

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You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. I switched Bobby's painting and your painting to Darling Your Pure Gold because that's more you and that's more you.
How great is that? For real. I think that art is so cool looking.
Kasuke Miyagi. Shout out to Kasuke Miyagi.
Hi. Hi.
I'm saying hi. Hi.
Hi. Hi.
No, but where's yours?

Kasuke doesn't want to draw me.

I'll be honest.

He didn't want to draw your face.

You're complex, your face, though.

It's gross.

He couldn't draw gross.

No, no.

You're very handsome.

Handsome.

I called him.

I said, Kasuke, where's mine?

And he literally was like, too.

Oh, he's Asian?

Kasuke Miyagi?

No, he's,

he's from Puerto Rico.

No, no, no.

No, he's seriously,

he's Puerto Rican.

I played with a guy on Warzone.

His name is Yamakasi.

Yamaha?

Yamakasi.

Yamakasi's his name.

Yamakasi.

Yeah, so I thought he was Japanese.

And then for like three weeks, eventually I said, so what part of Japan? He goes, no man. I'm Bangladesh man.
Oh, Bangladeshi. So I go, what's a Yamakaze then? I've been calling you I've been going, hey, go get on the war zone.
Hide behind the wall Yamakaze. You know, and then.
Get downakaze! Yeah, but now, it doesn't make any sense. No.
Yeah. It's okay.
Bangladeshiian people are named Yamakaze? Yamakaze... Well, that's his gamer tag, so...
Oh, bro. You can make that up.
Well, yeah. What's your gamer tag? It's Bobby Lee Live.
It's Bobby Lee Live. Yeah.
That's for everything. You know what I love is when we're playing, because on the screen, it'll say friend requests or followers.
Oh, yeah. So I'm playing with all my guys, and then it'll say it.
Wait. Do you know? Can you see how many people other people follow or follow other people? No.
It just tells me all the notifications. And you get off on that.
I get hard. Papa gets excited.
I get hard. Bing.
I'll be playing, and I got somebody. It'll go, bing, bing.
You know what I mean? You're getting. And Papa gets excited i'll be i'll be i'll be i'll be playing and i got somebody and it'll go you know i mean you're getting and papa gets excited and then you get better what i've also been doing is this is great what i've been doing is um so i'll be on warzone with my friend ramey and i'll be like you want to play with somebody he's like ah let's just play duo i go no let's find a fan that's'll go to my messages, and I get hundreds of messages.
And people will go, Slep King, or, you know what I mean? I'm a big fan of Bad Friends. Can we play? You know, I'm really good.
This is my KD, and I've won 500 times. What's KD? My kill to death rage? I figured it out.
And then I'll be like, they're really good, right? Yeah. So then when we play, they're not good.
Do you know why? Because they're nervous. Yes.
Yeah. And then I'll be like, okay, well.
Bye. You had your chance.
And then they put it. I was nervous.
My hands are sweaty. What if I don't? You got to be nice.
No, I go, bye-bye. Because you have to deliver under pressure.
What if I got killed himself because of you? Yeah, there's one guy named Ben Riley. He's a nice kid.
Rest in peace. He's English.
He's not dead. Not yet.
But he messaged me. Hey, can you? He keeps messaging me.
Can you give me another shot? No. Ben.
Ben. You got to hit the ball.
You got to hit the ball, bud.

It's T-ball.

It's T-ball, Ben.

It's T-ball.

Yeah.

You just got to swing, bud.

You got to step up and you have to fulfill your destiny.

Yeah.

Yeah, you do.

You have to become the person that you're supposed to become.

And if you can't.

The bar's here.

It's very low. You just got to feel that.
You kind of have to just step right over it. Right.
But I love when they get nervous because when they die right away, they go, I don't know what happened. I go, what happened? I don't know what happened.
What happened was. Yeah.
You fucked up. But this kid, Ramey, that I play with.
He's good. The reason why I like him, though, is he kept messaging me.
And I let's play this happened when i first started playing and he for some reason he's 21 year one year old kid from georgia and not everyone loves him he's friends with everybody now yeah and he um he stepped up is it because his skill level or also because he's fun to play engage with he's very polite but does he talk shit shit like everyone talks shit? He tries to, but he doesn't have the chomp. Does he have a strong southern accent? Yeah, but he'll try to do joke.
Hey man, this is like cowabunga, man. And then we'll be like, cowabunga? What the fuck are you talking about? Hey man, we're just, we're radical.
We're being radical out here, man. Hey man.
Bobby was molested, man. He was molested by a guy with Down syndrome, man.
Bobby, remember when you ate poop? Yeah, yeah. Remember when you ate poop? But it'll be like in a, you know what I mean, after we told somebody happy birthday.
Right, right. I'll be like, hey, happy birthday, Jeremy.
He's like, goddamn, Bobby was molested, man. And it's like, the timing's not...
Is it Theo? Is this Theo? Is that who you're really playing? No, no, no. By the way, Neil Brennan sent me a video on YouTube that came out a week ago.

What?

Theo's family.

Theo Vaughn's family.

Do you want to see it?

Yeah, yeah.

This is crazy.

I know what his mom looks like.

This is his whole family on YouTube.

Yeah, look at this.

This is Theo Vaughn's whole family.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I've seen it.

I met the – wait.

That's his uncle in the red.

That's his uncle?

Yeah, right there.

That's Theo's uncle. the...
Oh, wait. That's his uncle in the red.
That's his uncle? Yeah, right there. That's Theo's uncle.
Is that Theo's brother or dad on the couch? That's his uncle, the guy in the red. Right.
That's his mom right there in the blue. Right.
So what are your names? His brother. Yeah.
He's off to the right. Okay.
Yeah, and in a second, his brother will hide.

That's what his brother loves to do.

His brother loves to hide.

All these stories growing up where his brother hides.

Years ago.

Watch the video.

He said, my brother used to run and hide, dude.

He'd get so scared, man.

Lightning claps, or even lawnmowers will do it.

And your name is?

Lorraine.

Lorraine.

There's Lorraine.

Yeah.

That's his aunt. And there's Timmy, his brother.
His brother, Timmy. You guys grew up here in Odd, West Virginia.
So let me explain for people that can't see it that are listening at home. There was a video that Neil Brennan sent me.
Yeah. This is called The Whitakers.
They quoted them as the most inbred family in the United States. They have the longest lineage of inbredness.
Right, right. It's pretty brilliant.
It is brilliant. Their eyes are like hammerhead sharks.
I know. But what I'm wondering is if that guy, the guy in the red, through time that happened.
Because all he goes is... Well, no, the dog barks and it influences his bark.
So you see the dog go... But he doesn't ever speak.
Yeah, he barks. He's dog talk.
Yeah, but he doesn't ever speak regular English. So what I'm wondering is at 12 he was like, hello my name is, you know.
Came out British? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello, my name is Frank.
Or whatever, right? And then at 22 he's like, hello, my name is Frank. And then 30 he's like, yeah, over time.
Yeah. You think? Yeah, developed.
Developed. Well, dude, here's what's, and at first I thought, at first I thought, I shouldn't say anything about this because this is mean.
But then, they're not handicapped. This isn't making fun of disabled.
This is just inbred. I mean, I think that's what happens when you inbreed too much.
That's what happens. But I got to tell you, if this isn't a reason to not have sex with your brother or sister,

watch five minutes of this.

It's staggering.

Also, the lady right there,

because she has one eye that goes that way.

Well, they all have eyes

that go all the way.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But imagine making love to her.

I did.

You have to keep going like this.

You like that bit?

What?

Hey, what's over there?

What's over there?

And look over to the side.

You just have to put mirrors

all over so she keeps

looking back at you.

And then one eye is like, oh, it'll be very strange. I would have to just, you know.
Cover up. Cover up my eyes.
Well, it has to be dark. But at first I saw this video and I thought this can't be, this has got to be a, I thought this was a sketch.
I'm not kidding. Yeah.
When he sent it to me, I go, this is a, this is a, someone's doing a comedy sketch. Yeah.
It's so funny because you didn't prep me on this. Yeah.
Isn't it odd that I know? They're from Odd, Virginia. How did you see it?

I just know about videos like this. Something popped off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because it only came out a couple days ago.

But Brennan sent it to me.

He literally wrote.

My brother sent it to me.

Oh, he did?

Yeah, yeah.

My brother likes to send me shit.

Brennan goes,

I don't know why I needed to send this to you,

but I had to.

And I watched it.

I was like,

this is exactly what I need to see.

But what's funny is that

what the other guy does,

the guy at the end of the couch.

The guy that's sitting on the right here.

Eventually, he'll walk out, right? Hold on, let's scan through. To scan through make a sandwich or something well they all make sandwiches back in right yeah and he just starts to hide right did you see that he hides away yeah yeah he'll like he crawls somewhere right right maybe that's his maybe they play an afternoon game of hide and go seek i don't know what they're up to out there in odd virginia this is staggeringly sad picture, and it obviously is they're handicapped.
I recant what I said before because I'm an idiot. It's not a fair picture, though.
What do you mean? The lighting is bad? No, it's like you know that there was a point where that drool wasn't there. No, that drool's always there.
No, no, no. There was a point where the drool was building.
Yeah. Right? He could have taken that photo.
Right. But he waited until it got to the precipice of.
So you're saying the photographer exploited these guys? A little bit, yeah. I think this guy, when I looked at this video, it seems very...
They're exploiting this family for his sake of his documentary because he doesn't show a lot of heart about it. He's kind of just like, look at how crazy...
But by the way, beyond jokes, it is insane to think that five generations will have sex with their family. Five decades of people were like, okay.
It's not fair because I've never been to Odd, Virginia. I see it.
I get it. It's not as if there's like suicide girls walking around where you could tap them.

There's probably only the Whitakers.

OK, you're saying you're saying you're only as good as your options.

Well, the options aren't.

Well, who are you going to fuck?

Not your family.

Yeah, but if there's no one around.

Not your family.

I know, but just hear me out.

Then you feverishly masturbate until you die.

Let's say I had a sister. All right, we're going to have to put music over this.
I'm just trying to play it out of my head. Yeah, but look.
Let me just play it out of my head. All right, here we are in odd Virginia.
No, we're in... Yeah, yeah.
No, we're in... Tohoku, West Virginia.
No, okay. It's a different Asian.
Yeah, it's an Asian community in West Virginia. West Virginia, right.
Tohoku, well, how do you do a Japanese? Tohoku, welcome Virginia. It's a southern Japanese.
Welcome to Tohoku, West Virginia. Yeah, yeah, so.
Okay, so you're out there in West Virginia. Tohoku, West Virginia and I I don't go to school yeah there's no school no schools and the only families are the Lees right and the Jung's I know the Lees and the Jung's yeah yeah yeah they're there but the Jung's only have boys all boys yeah are all boys and the Lees have my brother Steve now is a girl yeah Stephanie Stephanie Lee right and the Jung's you know I fucked everyone already in town or the no just the Jung's oh the Jung family I fucked the Jung's so the entire the guys so Ken, Bob, Steve, Kevin, Mark and Randy and Randy yeah yeah and when you're done with that or for some reason Vladimir.
There's a Vladimir.

He's like, I love to see you, Bobby.

Yeah.

And then, you know, the only woman around is my mom.

And the Jung's Mrs. Jung.

Mrs. Jung.

Oh, that's right, Mrs. Jung.

Yeah.

And then my sister, Stephanie.

Right on.

So after you knock out the moms.

At 33, I decided to drink some, you know.

Moonshine. Not moonshine.
What's the Japanese one? Sake. Sake.
Sake. A little too much sun.
Yeah, having a night. I have to do an Asian summer.
Hey, how are you? Hey, Stephanie.

Oh, yes, brother.

Good night.

Okay.

Close my door. Close your eyes.

Good night.

Right.

And then an hour later.

Stephanie.

Stephanie.

Yes. I'm on top of you I just can't believe Five Okay how about this though Somebody had to know In the family the first time That they were like Ooh That's not That's bad But then one person went, it's not that bad.
Someone had to go, I guess it's not that bad because this is so many years of it. This isn't the first fucking time.
This is all the time. It's terrible.
It's so terrible. It's terrible.

It's like...

And we're not being mean.

Being inbred is gross.

It's so gross.

Fucking your family is...

Isn't it illegal?

Isn't it illegal?

I hope so.

Is incest illegal?

I hope it is.

Rudy, is incest...

Is incest illegal?

Somebody wrote, is it a crime?

Incest sexual relations between family members who are not spouses formerly known as incest is illegal across the U.S. because of the harm it can cause to family relationships.

That's why? Family relationships? No.

It should be about, you know, creating...

Brain damage.

Brain damage, yeah.

Incest often can be charged as a violation of a different law, such as child abuse, child devastation, rape, or statutory rape.

But that's my thing.

Is bestiality illegal?

Yes. Animal fucking?

I don't think it is. Yes, it is.
Right, Root? I think so. Is bestiality? That's beastly.
That's illegal to watch. Oh, dude, and now my computer is going to be.
Yeah, you're getting flagged by the FBI. Illegal? Is bestiality illegal? Notably, the legality of bestiality cannot be controlled from the federal level.
The only relevant federal law is the sodomy law under the military. There we go.
So if you're in the military, you can't fuck animals. Yeah, but...
They find a way. They find a way.
Where there's a will, there's a way. You can't be out there and...
I think there should be a list of animals that you shouldn't fuck. All of them.

Like if they die.

Like if I fucked a gerbil, it would die.

Well, you couldn't do it.

It wouldn't work.

Oh, I could make it work.

You'd put it in and go poof.

I know, but it would die.

That's why.

It would implode.

Or it would be like one of those.

Remember when we were kids

and those little worm things

you'd put over your finger,

like the gel molds?

Yeah.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Do you know those things from the store?

They didn't have those in the Philippines.

You probably used real animals as toys, didn't you? No. You'd chase an animal, beat it, and then they would just play with it all day? Yeah.
If there was an animal you had to have sex with, though. Forced? Yeah.
Probably sheep. I'm from Ireland.
I think they do that shit all the time. Yeah, yeah.
Sheep. I think because it's soft.
Yeah. And they're...
Don't laugh at me. Yeah.
I think because they're soft. Yeah and they're don't laugh at me yeah

I think because they're soft

yeah

and even if they get upset

they're just like

so it's not that bad

yeah yeah yeah

for me it would be panda

oh

because they're so cute

well I didn't even think

that's through

and you could

here's the thing

if I was having sex

with an animal

I wouldn't want them

to think

hey

hey there

I'm sorry. because they're so cute.
Well, I didn't even think that's through. And you could, here's the thing.
If I was having sex with an animal, I wouldn't want them to think, hey, hey there. Yeah.
Right? Somebody fucking me. Right? I wouldn't want them to think that.
You just want it to be a thing. No, I don't want them to go, hey there.
Well, then if you fucked a big animal, then they wouldn't. But what I would do with a panda is you give them grade A bamboo.
Oh, like high end. They love to chew that shit.

Wagyu bamboo.

Right, so I'd be like,

here's bamboo.

They'd be like,

hey there.

And then I would,

you know what I mean?

Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum.

And they'd be just so focused on...

But don't they get so fucked up

from the eucalyptus?

Is that eucalyptus'...

Is that pandas?

No, man.

Who eats eucalyptus?

Sloths.

Sloths.

And they black out, right?

They just pass out?

Yeah.

Yeah, they get really fucking high?

This is a dark thing,

but...

Thank you. mandas no man who eats eucalyptus sloths and they black out right they just pass out yeah yeah they get really fucking high this is a dark thing but um i did i don't know why i thought about this but let's just post bestiality just hear me out oh it was a huge thing in the world what do you mean like a normal because right now there's probably seven dudes who do it yeah you're crazy in new zealand apparently of farmers fuck sheep.
Okay. I don't want to know that, but let's just assume it's 20 dudes.
Okay. All right.
20 dudes. And let's suppose now, let's jack it up to a million dudes do it.
Okay. So it became like a normal thing.
It's kind of normal. In some semblance of society.
Yeah. I think the one animal that would be completely just off limits no you'll be they would just be extinct oh because of it because of it is the sloth right because they're so easy to catch they don't they can't go anywhere they can't i'm in a man because sloth they go well sloths live in trees how can you get them because i thought about this right honestly i don't know why i thought about this but in papua new guinea there's a lot of sloths right i didn't know there is right yeah so what they would do is they would go to papua new guinea right and sloths you don't know i googled this i don't know why i don't know why it's researchers but sloths they come to the ground while they take a shit or they go to the bathroom i've seen this right i've seen this in costa rica they ground.
Right. Yeah.
So imagine a bunch of sloths in the tree, right?

Where you going, Johnny?

And Sloth's like, I gotta take a shit. I gotta take a shit.

I'll be right back.

And as soon as he lands.

Get him!

50 dudes come out.

They form a train.

Yeah.

Right?

And then he's trying to run away.

Right?

And he's like, and his buddies are going, run Frankie. And Frankie's like, I'm trying to run.
Right. And he gets on the tree.
Right. He's already been raped 40, 50 times.
Right. And people are like jumping up and tagging him.
Right. And just ripping him.
Well, as he goes up, the taller guys get the go. Yeah, the taller guys, right? I mean, that would be a nightmare.
They'd be extinct. And then by the time he gets back up there, they're like, are you okay? He's like, it's fine.
What if they liked it? What animal's off limits? That's the real question. Rudy, what's a big no-no? If it was normal, we're joking about it.
We're joking about it and we don't condemn it. It's disgusting.
But if it was normal, what animal was a big... What's the one animal that you're like, no, you can't.
They can't touch it? Probably like small ones. Like dogs? I think she means smaller.
Oh, dogs are okay. Yeah.
Yeah.

Well, if we're assuming that this is a real thing.

All right, all right.

So dogs are okay.

Because people eat them already.

So what?

Right, right, right, right.

So what's the difference?

So what's smaller dog?

Do you mean like hamsters and gerbils?

Yeah.

Rabbit?

Bunnies?

Yeah, bunny.

But see, bunny would be so nice.

It's so soft.

So soft.

Yeah, so soft.

Bestiality doesn't exist with women. I'm sure there's not one woman.
Oh, I've seen it. What? Where? I've seen videos where a woman has blown a horse or has fucked a horse.
No. Oh, yeah.
Shut up. I've seen videos like that back in the day, yeah.
That's got to be fake. How do you – you think that these people went to ILM? A horse?

They went to George Lucas' fucking company and went –

Horse penises are like six feet long.

They're –

There is a fucking documentary.

Just stop.

Don't Google.

Don't Google.

There's a documentary.

What is the average horse penis size?

Let's see.

Dude, you –

20 inches.

You never saw –

That's the average is a foot and a half. You never saw Zoo.
The movie Zoo? There's a documentary called Zoo. Uh-huh.
And it's about a businessman. Yeah.
I swear to God. I don't know it.
Go put Zoo documentary. Look, Zoo documentary.
Oh, wow. There it is.
Yeah. 2007 film called Zoo.
There it is. Okay, so go to the image of that poster of the horse.
Okay, if you look in the eye of the horse. It's a naked woman.
It's a naked man. Oh.
Okay. Gross.
So the documentary is an actual incident where a man tells his wife, hey, I have a business convention in Washington. I haven't seen the documentary in a while, so I might get a couple of facts wrong.
Let's make up more stuff. Yeah, yeah.
Right. But this is essentially what it is.
Sure. And his wife and his daughter went, all right.
You want us to go? Yeah. I'll get a hotel.
You know what I mean? So while they're at the hotel, he goes to a farm because in the internet, there's a bestiality group that they get together. What? Yes.
This is – This is real. So it's like a – it says like a Reddit thread for bestiality people? Right.
They're like, what's going on today, horse fuckers? His wife and his daughter is in a hotel, and then he's at a fucking um farm with dudes from japan from canada people fly all over the world to do this they come to who owns the farm that lets this happen the king beast king beast yeah the king beast man right his name is carl i guess carl he's like hey welcome fellas so what they do is they um hope you got your animal fucking shoes on. I guess there's – you know that strip thing that they let the horse go up?

No.

There's a thing where they put the horse on some sort of like –

And they lift it off the ground?

They lift it to do some – like to clean it and stuff like that.

Maybe the horse shoes and stuff?

Maybe.

I don't know.

I don't know horses.

Yeah.

But so they lift it in that thing and then they take turns getting fucked by the horse.

No. No.
Yeah. No.
Yeah, they steer the dick. So you need a bunch of guys there to help steer the dick.
It's like a crane operator. It's like you need guys.
Back it up. Right.
And so they steer the dick in, right? So this has actually happened. So they do the session, right? I don't know what they call it you know what I mean I think it's sessions right sessions right and I guess he goes to sleep there in the barn you could sleep after that in the barn yeah you get fucked by a horse yeah yeah yeah you're not in agonizing pain he passes out in the barn that he got sexed in no what happens is so while all his buddies are sleeping he goes I, I'm going to get another go.
Oh, he wants one more go. Yeah, but I don't want to wake anyone up.
He wants to do it by himself. I want to do it myself.
Idiot. You always got to bring a friend.
Yeah. It's a buddy system.
Right, it is a buddy system. And I guess he goes to the barn, and he tries to do it, and the horse penetrates him so hard it punctures his stomach lining.
And his organs and his stomach all came out of his asshole. Yes.
And he died. Yeah, it makes perfect sense.
Right. And then what the police had to do is go to the hotel and inform his wife and his daughter.
Okay. What's that? I want to be the police.
I want to be the police. Hello.
It's 3.30 in the morning. I'm sorry.
Are you Mrs. Jefferson? I am.
Is something wrong? Yeah. And you're the wife of Todd? Todd Jefferson.
Yes, that's my husband, Todd Jefferson. Oh, my God.
Is he okay? Was he drinking again? There was an unfortunate incident. Oh, my God, a DUI.
Did he hit anybody? No. He's a terrible alcoholic, and I know that's a big vice of his.
We're trying to get him help, and good God, I hope he fixes his issues. Oh, God, did he hurt himself? He was punctured by a horse dick.
What? I'm sorry? He was punctured by a horse dick. He was punctured by a horse dick.
What are you saying to me, officer? The dick. You know what? He was punctured by a horse dick.
He was punctured by a horse dick?

What are you saying to me, officer?

The dick.

You know the horse?

You know what?

He was driving drunk and he hit a horse and the horse penis killed him.

No, not necessarily, though.

You know, let me, do you know about the horse anatomy?

Of course, yes.

Horses have penises.

I don't know if you know. Sure, the males.

That penis of a horse punctured the stomach lining of your husband.

What was he doing near the penis of a horse? He was stretching Oh, he was just getting ready for the big game No, no, no, he bent over You're telling me my husband was having sex with a horse And it killed him? Yeah I should have directly told you that That's That's my bad now. The fact that you had to dance around it? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But imagine if the cop was like this if it was just Yeah. Hello? Yes? What time is it? Hello? You're Barbara Jefferson? Todd Jefferson's wife? Yes, I am.
Yeah, your husband's dead he got fucked to death by a horse we gotta wrap this up. That's how fast it was.
They just throw it away? They would just throw it away. I've never heard of this thing.
Yeah, but it's funny. You can't find the...
I tried to buy it. Amazon? I couldn't find it.
Amazon always has this kind of shit on it. Yeah, you gotta watch that document.
I have to watch it. Yeah, yeah.
What, what, what? Five out of six out of ten IMDb? Rotten Tomatoes liked it a little bit. Yeah, it didn't go really...
I think they... There was just obviously some foot...
They couldn't get interviews with the fucking wife and the daughter. But what does this really mean? Let's try to think this out because they say it's a – they say taboo topics like this.
This isn't taboo. Something happened because what would lead you to want to have sex with an animal? No.
You've never looked at an animal and gone – I know what it is. What? Trauma? No, they've talked – because I've heard interviews with people that are into bestiality.
Beasties? Is that what the beastie boys are? No. And it's their affinity and their love.
So they're in love with animals. They want to get so close to nature and animals because they love it so much that they find them erotic.
Really? Yeah. That's so – I know.
It's like when a guy fucks his car. I know.
I saw that guy, but that guy is really mentally – There's something – No, he loves cars. I love cars.
Yeah. I would never – There is no sexualization of it.
Yeah, I know. You don't love him that much though.
I do. I love it.
People have sex with balloons. That's fine.
People have sex with everything. Trees.
Trees I'm kind of okay with. And people just have – I don't know what it is.
Maybe you think they were molested by a car or molested by a tree and therefore – An old Mitsubishi Gallant fucked them when they were seven. Or maybe it could be this.
Maybe it could be – let's say a guy, I fuck cars. And it turns out that my dad was super into cars but my dad...
Got in a car accident and died. Or my dad molested me.
In a car. In a car.
Yeah, and that's the car you love having sex with. Yeah, or something like that.
That could be close. That could be close.
Is that close, Rude? Yeah. Are you following any of this logic? We shouldn't be talking about this in front of you.
Well, what? It's a real documentary. Yeah, it's so sad to think, though.
It's disgusting. I'm sorry.
No, I'm not sorry. That's so gross.
Don't fuck animals. Why? People is fine.
People seems fine. I don't...
I guess there's something wrong. There must be something wrong.
It just reminds me of when Jeffrey Dahmer, you know. Mm-hmm.
Jeffrey Dahmer. He's going to like the darkest podcast today.
I know. We're going to like the I know.
We're the deepest. Oh, forget it then.
No, because by the way. I don't want to talk about Jeffrey Dahmer.
All right. All right.
But Jeffrey Dahmer, Jeffrey Dahmer, so he would capture men, right? Yeah. He would drill a hole in their head.
Milwaukee. Milwaukee.
And he would put acid in their brain because what he wanted was a live human body that just didn't think. Yeah.
You think that has a lot to do with bestiality in terms of like – That's like necrophilia. That's when people have sex with dead things.
No, but he wasn't dead. He wanted the body to be alive.
But he didn't want the thing to think. Oh, it's like Frankenstein.
Yeah, like a warm-blooded but just sex doll that just couldn't make decisions and was kind of brain dead. The worst story about that, did you hear about the guy he ran away from his house?

Jeffrey Dahmer stories,

if people that know, you know.

Oh, I know.

He ran from the house

and he ran into a cop.

Yep.

He had a hole in his brain

and the cops saw this guy

and Dahmer ran up quick enough

and was like,

he's just drunk,

he's my lover,

he's wasted.

And the cops were like,

get out of here,

you crazy kids.

Right.

They didn't see a fucking hole

in his head.

Yeah.

How insane are these, how dumb were these cops that they were just like, ah, you're

partying too hard.

Go home.

Hit a hole in his fucking head.

How did those cops keep their job?

Milwaukee.

Right.

It's Wisconsin.

Yeah.

Dude, you know, Wisconsin is, they don't have, they don't, they don't have many laws up

there.

You can have as many DUIs as you want.

There's an, it's not a, you know, we're a three strike state. If you got three DUIs as you want.
You know where a three-strike state?

If you got three DUIs in California, you'd be suspended license for the rest of your life.

Forever.

If you got three DUIs here, you can never drive again.

You're done. That's it.

Okay, Wisconsin, there is no limit.

You can have as many DUIs as you want.

You can keep drinking and driving until you kill somebody.

I don't know, but there's a far cry from that and, you know.

But I'm saying that's their last laws. Letting a Thai guy get eaten.
They can just keep getting DUIs and nobody cares. So if that's your lax law, imagine all the other laws.
Yeah, you're right. Yeah, it's like they must not give a shit.
And it's funny because Dahmer went up there. He wasn't from Wisconsin.
No, but he wanted to live around – there's a college campus there called Marquette. There's other college campuses.
There was a specific reason why he went to Wisconsin, I think. Well, Marquette's a religious school.
He was religious. And so he was a devout Christian.
But Ed Gein's from Wisconsin. He is? Yeah.
Oh, wow. Yeah.
Something about Wisconsin. Something about Wisconsin.
That is really weird. But then when I played Wisconsin, I went to Madison.
I played Comedy on A Street. Comedy on State.
Is that what it's called? Yeah. It's the greatest club and the

greatest people I've ever met. Period.

Period. Yeah, it's the best.
That was one of the

best clubs. I miss stand-up so much.

I know, Bob. It's okay.
I do

too. I do too, baby boy.

It's okay. It's okay.

Rudy, you see what you did?

This is all because of you.

There's been so many goddamn fucking videos put up

now. Like, we can't even keep up with how many videos are like.
Did you see the guy in Northern California that was like, fucking Asian piece of shit? Oh my God. You have it? He's just sitting at dinner.
He's like sitting having dinner. And he calls Asian racist in SF.
What's that down there? Here it is. Look at how fast that came up.
Look at his tech CEO.

You need to leave. What's wrong with you? Asian piece of s***.
Whoa. Okay.
Say that again. Yeah.
Say that again. Oh, now you're shy? Say it again.
Say it again. Now you're shy? What's wrong with you? Say it one more time.
I'm sorry, you need to leave.

Yeah, he needs to leave.

That is not appropriate.

Trump's going to fuck you.

Trump's going to fuck you. What's wrong with you? Say it one more time.
A middle finger. I'm sorry, you need to leave.

Yeah, you need to leave.

That is not appropriate.

Trump's gonna fuck you.

Trump's gonna fuck you.

You need to leave.

Fuckers need to leave, he says.

No, you need to leave.

What's wrong with you?

You need to leave.

Asian piece of shit.

Oh my God.

You fucking Asian piece of shit, this guy.

This guy is a CEO of a huge tech company.

Not anymore. Nope, no.
Bye-bye. Bye.
But he's drunk. He's obviously drunk.
No, his apology. He said he was totally sober.
No, he was blacked out, of course. Yeah, he was drunk.
Yeah, it's like... So are you allowed to be racist if you're drunk? I don't know what I've said drunk.
Yeah, but you don't attack people for... You don't turn into a racist just because you get drunk.
I've said crazy things drunk you would never be out having a drink and go hey you fucking blacks that's not actually now that I think about it no but I could say stuff like god damn fucking dark loving it man shit me like the fucking color of your darkness yeah but, but that's hot. Yeah, but like something would come out.
This guy's blatantly... I would probably sing a song, right? Or something, right? Sure.
Hey, friole, friole. You know what I mean? Let's do something like that and then people tape it.
Yeah, but this guy's... Why am I defending this piece of shit? Yeah say because i haven't really i've never really talked about this because um you know it drives me crazy when i see like i'll go on twitter yeah and i'll see it's like you know a public service announcement from like asian actors i'm never by the way you're never asked i'm never asked to do it they know better right you won't do it.
I won't do it, but I've never asked. If you do, you'll fuck around.
Hey, I'm Daniel Dae Kim, and anti-racist rhetoric is wrong. I'm Ken Jeong, and we're all the same people.
I'm never invited to that. Yeah, because they see one episode of this show or hear it, and they're like, oh no.
But I'm anti that too. What i i feel the same way as other asians i feel like you know the rhetoric that's happening i'm not just gonna say the guy's name or people's names but when you call you know the coronavirus kung flu and you call it the china virus all that stuff it it it incites you know these feelings amongst certain sections asians no of certain white people in this country oh you're saying oh it incites it And know, these feelings amongst certain sections.
Asians. No, of certain white people in this country.
Oh, you're saying – oh, it incites – It incites something within them and then they are more vocal about it. Sure.
That's common sense. Well, but it's hard to communicate that because it's like saying how do you assume that one leads to the other? But you have proof when you go – when you aggressively say something about immigrants, automatically we see the video in Arizona where the girl is like, you fucking – go to Mexico, bitch.
Yeah. It becomes this like – they justify it.
They justify saying it. But I'm not – I don't think that I'm – say it.
I think that cancel culture is a little out of control. Well, sure.
And, you know, does this guy deserve his whole life to be ruined because of one drunken mistake? No, I know what you're saying. What you're saying is – And I don't know if I'm there anymore with that.
No, okay. Let me say this though.
Yeah. I understand what you're saying.
I agree. You shouldn't have your life ripped away.
This guy shouldn't have his entire life ripped away forever. That being said, now that we live in this time that you know you could be filmed, why would you black out, be at a table, and when someone does pull up a camera, you still double down and go, Asian piece of shit.
I know. He doubled down.
He did double down. If he in the video went, I'm sorry, I've had too much to drink and I'm acting, I gotta go home.
He probably could have fixed it. Yeah.
But you have two ways to go. But also...
Because they turn the camera on and they go, alright, say it again. Say it again.
Yeah, Dan, yeah. At that point, listen, white people.
Yeah. You can say racist shit.
Well, say it to me. Oh, sorry, white people.
Yes. You can say racist shit.
Thank you. But we've said this before on the podcast.
When a camera comes out, right? Yeah. Learn how to act.
Turn it up. Oh, okay.
Turn it down. Learn how to act.
Right on. You switch characters.
If you want to be racist, let's put it like this. If you want to be racist, do it at home.
Do it in the goodness of your own home. Yeah.
Yeah, just be racist inside. Invite all the Asians you know.
Bring them into your house. And do it there.
Do it there. Go, fellas, I need to have a chit-chat with you.
You fucking pantheist gook, enjoy the fucking pot roast. Right? And Steve from his workplace is like, this is a weird dinner.
This is strange, but this is a very good pot roast, Martha. Yeah.
No, but I said that about what's his name that used to own the Clippers? What was his name that he got in trouble? Donald Sterling? Remember him? Mm-hmm. His girlfriend taped him talking shit about black eyes.
Yeah. Inside of his house.
Let me tell you something. Yeah.
I was on his side. Because all he said was, I don't want you bringing big black dudes to the game that you fuck.
And she taped him. He knew she was cheating on him.
And just don't bring them to the games the big big beautiful athletes yeah yeah was he racist maybe i don't know but he was just being a cock in his own house if you're gonna be a dick just do it inside yeah but also in that specific incident like it's like racism is when you're derogatory in terms of like putting a race down beneath your own race almost. Below you, yeah.
Right? That obviously he was threatened. Well, yeah.
By a big, black, beautiful dick. Well, that's because he knew she was just getting slaughtered.
Right. Her vagina is just like juicy from it.
Right? It's juiced out from it. Yeah.
It's just like if you're like – It's been murdered. She's just squirting out.
Just having a good time. A field day, yeah.
Well, she was loving it. If they could make a face...
He was just an old fat white guy who was jealous. That's all it was.
He was just a fat porky dude who was jealous. But like, yeah, this right here is incited by the rhetoric that's happening in this country.

That Asians are responsible. It's so fucking crazy because, number one, those people obviously aren't Chinese.
No, they're not Chinese. Yeah.
They seem more island Asian. I couldn't even see who the family was.
They look Filipino to me. Is it Filipino? Rudy, can't you tell? Get a side profile of that.
Well, this is the news today. Lofthouse caught a video

making an anti-Asian racist

tirade against a family

celebrating a birthday in Carmel Valley. It does not say anything about the family.
But I guess – Look at the – I can just tell by the video. Well, hold on.
There's got to be a – I'm sure there's a picture of the – or there's a part of the people here. Because i think the dad gets on camera at some point or somebody puts themselves on camera so he apologized it was a lady in the beanie no that was just you know that's just just that's just them like putting yeah an ad putting over something but yeah anyway i mean you know don't uh this guy well he's got a nice fashion though at least a very nice fashion.
San Francisco Tech. So what do you think is the responsible thing to do then? So he gets fired as CEO or does he keep his job? So if we're going to do this line of like, we shouldn't be canceling people just for no reason, right? But we also, people need to learn some kind of public lesson if you're caught like this saying shit.
What's the line? Immediately, it affects the pocketbook because I don't know what the tech company does. Yeah.
Right? But people will stop doing business with him. Yeah, sure.
And then when you don't have business, your company, you know, will crumble, obviously, right? It's called Solid 8. So it'll happen organically.
All I'm saying is is that the mob of the internet right going he should step down burn him alive you know i mean he should lose everything you know i don't really know if that's i think um i know what you're saying as a society we have to kind of step back a little bit man it's an information technology service and technology service company. Yeah, it's done.
It says, established in Silicon Valley cloud transformation experts, we lead change for consolidating in the cloud and also hating Asian pieces of shit. Oh my God.
That's in their breakdown. Yeah, so it's just a, it's a, yeah.
But honestly, there's a billion of these up in San Francisco. There'll be fucking, there'll be 10 more this morning.
Yeah. Who gives a shit? Another fucking tech company? Get over it.
Yeah. Get over it.
There's too many fucking tech companies anyway. But this thing, you know.
Well, tell me what's appropriate. What do you do to that guy, Michael Lofthouse? What happens to him? Do we put him in a public, like, jail? We put him in some kind of, like, social jail of some kind? What do you do? You get to throw rocks at him for a day? No.
What we have to do is get to the fucking root of the problem, right? Cut it out like a cancer. Yeah, but the real thing is that we have to...
That's a big sigh. That means a lot.
I know. Can't fix.
It's hard to fix. Okay.
You gonna cry? No, it's just, you know, it's strange to think that, like, because I look the way I fucking do, some motherfucker can just, at a restaurant, fucking just full-blown go on a tirade when it has nothing to do with me. Sure.
Number one, I was born here. Number two, I'm not Chinese.
No. Number three, I don't know where the fuck it comes from, the coronavirus.
We do. I know, China, I know.
But I don't know where... I don't know how it came about.
Yeah, we don't actually... I don't know, you know, does it come from a lab? Does it come from eating, you know, animals? Well, it doesn't come from eating animals.
They proved it. All right.
So it comes to some lab. Wuhan fucked up.
But how does that have anything to do with me? So I go to a park and some guy goes, hey, you chink. You brought the virus.
Go leave. And you're like, what? What you got to do is you got to go get a real Chinese guy and show him him and go, it's because of him.
I'm Korean. Yeah.
I'm fine. Yeah.
It's insane. Yeah.
But I don't even know. I was trying to think of.
I don't know any Chinese people. Do you know any Chinese? Sure.
Yeah. What's the guy from the comedy store? What's his name? Why are you? My brain is just throwing such a bad blank.
What's his name?

Oh, this is embarrassing. No, no, no.

We keep this.

What's the Chinese guy's name?

Come on, dude.

So we don't know.

No, I do know.

What's his name then?

Chan Ching.

Chan.

What's his name?

Ching Lao.

Chan Han.

What is his name?

Ching Ching.

It's not like Chi Chi.

It's Tongue Chi.

No, honestly,

what's his name?

It's going to drop me crazy. No, I know.
I'm trying to think in my mind. I swear to God.
I'm having like a brain... Chao Young-Fat.
That's an actor. Chao Young-Fat's an actor? Yes, Chao Young-Fat's an actor.
Jackie, Jackie. Jackie, Jackie.
Chong-Ching. His name is...
His name is Chan Chong-Ching. There it is.
No, it has a... Sung-Hang...
Sung... Hung...
What's his name, though? Bing-Bong? I don't know. Fuck.
I'm sorry. We figured it out.

Text somebody.

I can't continue if we don't know.

No, but I don't.

I'm going to text somebody.

I don't want to, because what are you going to text them?

Who's Bing Bong?

No, let's just see who we can call here.

What's Bing Bong's name?

Yeah, yeah.

Hold on.

I mean.

No, the honesty.

No, I know, but I just, I forgot.

I don't know.

Who would know?

Chao.

Chao Fung.

Chao Fung.

Chao Fung's his name. Chao Fung's his name.
Chao Fung. God, dude, why is my brain...
Chow Fung's his name. Chow Fung.
Yeah. Change your name, Chow.
Change the Chow part. Wait, why? Chow Fung's easy to memorize.
Yeah? Chow Fung. Chow Fung.
Chow Fung. Am I saying it? I'm saying Chow Fung? I need to make sure.
Let's call him Eli Fung. Eli Fung.
Eli's a good name. Eli Fung.
Fung Chow. Fung Chow.
Fung Chow. We fucked it up.
But the letters were right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
The words were right. Chow's easy to remember.
Chow Fung. His name is Fung Chow.
Fung Chow. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Chow's easy to remember.
Change Fung. Get out of Fung.
Get Fung. Can I tell you something about that kid? Yeah, what? I was in New York doing like a two-day shoot on something.
Yeah. And somebody was like uh uh oh do you want to go do comedy juice um up at uh wherever that was at uh is that uh not carolines maybe whatever i go over there they're in the basement a bunch of comedy store guys abby roberts was there and uh uh feng chow's there and and he goes uh you gonna stay to watch my set? That's not the accent.
Well, his is like, he's more like, I'm trying to. No, no, no, he's deeper.
He's like, you're going to stay to. He's like guttural, too.
Stay to watch my set? Yeah. And I'd seen him like twice at the store.
But I wait in the back. I go, yeah, I'm going to have a drink and hang out.
He goes, oh, cool. Like, he got excited about it.
I said I'm thinking he's gonna like ease it in he goes up there he's like my mom's a fat cunt a stupid fat cunt I was like what really funny though he's hilarious I had no idea that he I didn't know that he was that like aggressive and raw he's so Asian how Asian is he he's so Asian that one time I needed an MC for the Irvine improv.

Yeah.

And I came up to him.

And he bought a house down in Irvine and was like, I already lived here. No, no, no.

It's even worse.

Okay.

I go, hey, this weekend I need an MC.

And I know that you've asked to open for me over the years.

And I'm giving you the shot.

He goes, yeah, but I have to look.

Yeah.

And I go, yeah, but, you know. This is work.
This is work. This is a better work.
But I told the comedy store that I have to work Friday and Saturday. I go, yeah, but in America, you know what I mean? You can tell people, hey, something came up.
I have to do this. And the comedy store, obviously.
That's what they want you to do. They want you to do that.
Right. My word is my honor.
Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he says, I come from a lineage, a line of people.
We don't go against what we are worth. Wow, I like this motherfucker.
And I go, yeah, but dude, I'm not going to ask you again.

And he goes,

I'm not going to

tell you again.

I will not tell you,

Mr. Lee, again.

I will not

cancel my work.

He didn't do it.

He didn't do it.

I give him a lot of credit.

You should keep

asking him again.

But then like

six months later

he comes up to me

and goes,

I fucked up.

He goes,

I fucked up.

I was talking

to a bunch of comedians and they told me that I fucked up. I was talking to a bunch of comedians, and they told me that I fucked up.
And if you could let me have the opportunity to open, I go, no. No.
That's it. He goes, okay.
He's a great dude. Will you take him when we open back up? No.
Please? No. I'm gonna then.
I will. Feng Chow, we're gonna take you.
How about this? What? The first shows that we can do together, Fung's coming with us. Fung and Rudy.
Yeah. Come on.
Yeah, Fung. You don't want to commit to it? No.
Okay. I have this weird thing where there was this bar.
You don't want another Asian comic on the show. That's not what it is.
Fuck you. You're fucking racist.
I have Asians all the time on my show, man. Name what Asians open up for you.
Peter Kim's open for me. When? Dante Chang's open for me.
How many years ago did these guys open for you? The last five years. A year and a half ago, but I had to say Peter Kim's so fucking funny that I told him to go home.
Why? Because he ripped too hard? Oh my God. This guy could rip it.
You got nervous, huh? I got real nervous. There was this bartender at the comedy store named Max back in the day.
Uh-huh. Maybe five years ago.
Up here? And he'd go, hey, man. Yeah, in Hollywood.
Oh, yeah. It's my dream to open for you, man.
I go, all right, dude, I'm doing Ontario improv, right? This Friday. Yeah.
You can emcee. It's 7.30 when the show starts.
Yeah. He's not there.
Where are you, Max? I'm on, I'm in traffic, man. Mm, buddy.
I go. Mm, buddy.
I don't know. Turn around.
Bye. And he, a couple of months later, he quit his job there and I never saw him again.
Holy shit. I feel bad.
No, you shouldn't. Why? Because everybody fucking, dude, when I opened for somebody, the first time I got to open for somebody was fucking Billy Gardell, I think.
Yeah. I was at the fucking Irvine Improv three days before I was supposed to be there.
Oh, yeah. I showed up.
The sun was coming up. I got to Irvine at like 9 a.m.
Yeah. And I just waited around.
I was at, I went to like an Olive Garden for lunch. I sat in the parking lot in my car.
Yeah, it should be your number one priority. The only thing I had to do that day was go to the goddamn show.
I call Fihim. I go, hey, you want to open for me next week? He goes, I'm already here.
That's what I got. I'm already here.
I knew you were going to ask me. I'm already here.
He called me yesterday, by the way. We talked for a long time.
We love... If you don't know Fiji Manmar, easily one of the funniest comedians

I've ever seen in my fucking life,

is a prolific joke writer.

Constantly is making new jokes

and they're very fucking funny.

So please check him out

because we love him.

Can I show you something?

I found my new sport.

I found my new sport.

It's called...

And I'm going to fuck up the name.

Calicio Storicio.

Calicio Storicio. Okay, let me explain this sport.
This happens in Florence, Italy every year. I saw a documentary about this.
This blows my fucking mind. Okay? It's only in Florence, Italy, and it's three teams, three different colors.
First of all, let me just back up for a second. Huh? This literally looks like Spartacus like

even the saturation

of the film

is this the 1960s

this is 2019

but it's in Florence

and they don't have

good technology yet

okay

okay

look at me when I say this

it's the most

insane sport

that no one talks about

because it only happens

in Florence

three teams

the colors of the Italian flag

and the team you play for

is the district you're born in

you're not allowed

to go

I play for Liverpool

oh now I get to play

Thank you. in Florence.
Three teams, the colors of the Italian flag. And the team you play for is the district you're born in.

You're not allowed to go,

I play for Liverpool. Oh, now I get to play.

No. You're born there, you stay there.

The game is a combo of rugby,

soccer, wrestling,

and fist fighting.

I'm not kidding.

When the game starts, these men on the front line,

you'll see, they get to fist fight and whoever goes down, you have to stay down until a goal is scored, then you can get back

up and fight again.

Really?

The front line has to fight, the back line tries to score.

Watch this fucking shit.

This is the pride of Florence, Italy.

Look at these fucking guys.

Oh my god.

Ready to beat the shit out of each other.

Just calm, hanging out, doing a little bob and dancing. And they wear these ridiculous, beautiful, like, they look like.
Okay, here we go. What happens? Look down.
Just fights. They're beating the shit out of each other.
You can go 2-1-1. You can do it.
Dude, you can do it. You can tackle.
No rules. Look at that tackle.
So now that they're both down, whoever took you down, look at the kicking. No rules except for penis stuff.
No penis stuff. So let me pause.
That's what happens. Hold on.
Once a guy is down like this, like these two men, so the man who took him down... The guy on top is the winner.
That's right. right so the bottom has to surrender like in wrestling right but he just has to stay over him so the referee knows he took him down he has to stay now until the goal is scored mind you this guy wants to stay down because otherwise you get attacked by four guys they come and beat the shit out of you all the meanwhile someone's trying to score a fucking goal in the background.
The guy in the blue does he have to stay down there too? If he got taken down

as well. If you knock someone out and you go down with them but you don't go down first, they're done.
You can get back up and fight someone new. Okay, let me say this.
But once I'm down with that other person... You have to be on the ground until the goal is scored.
Right. So it doesn't – it's not a good thing to tackle somebody and go down then.
Well, you don't want to be taken down as well, right? So that's what that happened there. Yes.
He took him down with him. Why don't you – so the guy that took the other guy down has to – so he's on top of the guy.
You physically have to pin them. Right.
And then it's like, OK, I'm down too. Then the guy on the bottom would basically say, well, get off me then.
No, we can't. You have to be covered.
We're both down. Doesn't matter.
I'm covering you. We're both down.
Lay down next to me. No, I'm on top of you.
Get off of me. This is what I like.
This is what I train for. All right.
The fist fights are, to me, are the most shocking. They just, look at this, just a couple of guys just beating the fucking shit out of each other.
And they're from a mile away from each other. They were born at just, you know, four miles away.
So this guy with the ball, they're passing in the background. Trying to advance the ball past the fist fights.
So this guy, right, they're both going down. Now what? Now he's down and he's down.
They both have to stay down. Yeah.

But they're allowed to wrestle it out until he can pin him.

All right.

I'm down.

Get off of me.

No.

All right.

No.

Okay, so now watch.

Let me advance it to a point.

Now look at this.

Two tag team.

Oh, fucking.

Let's go.

Oh, let's go.

You want some?

Is that the judge? The guy that has the jacket under the judge?

That's the judge right there.

Look at that.

A referee?

Yeah, yeah.

Fuck out of here.

Look at these guys. The beauty of this sport, by the way, let me say this.
They all go get fucked up together afterwards. That's what I love.
They all go party because when it's over, it's over. They smile at each other.
Two of the guys in the documentary, one guy was from the blue team, one was from the white. He works with him.
Okay, now this is after the game, you and I. Yeah, we're all fucked up.
Oh, man. Congratulations, man.
You guys won. Hey, we're Italian.
Yeah. We're Italian.
There it goes. Do that.
Hey, Antonini. Good to see you.
How you doing? Oh, good. I bruise, bruise.
You bruise all all over my body as well But you know what? It's good to see you I'm good to see you When I told you I'm going for a call I'm going for a call Get off of me You did not get off of me Because I want to be there I know But we're already both down It does not matter That's what I like to be You're on top of me Hey I can't get on top of my wife I get on top of you Hey Florando I'm not gay I am not gay either

But you gyrated

Yes

And I kiss your lips

Yes

No rules

There is a rule

It's against the ordinances

No it's a no rules

Get off of me

Don't kiss my lips

I'm gonna stay

Don't cum on my belly

Let me buy you a drink

Okay

Let's do it again

These guys beat the life out of each other

Here I'll turn the volume down on this

You need to hear the announcers

But

So these guys just beat the shit out of each other. Here, I'll turn the volume down on this.
You need to hear the announcers. But so these guys just beat the shit out of each other until the ball can be advanced.
Holy shit. I mean, it's a con.
So when you say gladiator, that's what it is. Yeah.
This is this is. Look at the guy's bleeding.
Oh, bleeding. You can't do that.
One of the guys in the documentary had a had a documentary called. Uh, I'll fuck.
I'm so in it's called Calicio Storicho C-A-L-C-I-O I have to watch this shit I have to watch this shit but there's a documentary on Netflix I think it's called Home Game or something like that really I think Home Game might be right but Storicho I wish I knew how to say that Calicio Storicho Storicho Calico. Coliccio.
Coliccio storico. Here it is.
Is an early form of football that originated in the 16th century Italy. Wow.
Once widely played, the sport is thought to have started in the Piazza Santa Croce in Florence. That's right.
In the Florence Square. Wow.
That's what they said. It's amazing.
What else does it say in there? Does it tell you? That's it. Wait, so, yeah, and it only takes place in Florence, and this happens every year.

These guys come back, and they beat the shit out of each other every single year.

Here we go.

In Italian, let me spell it.

C-A-L-I-C-O, right?

Calcio storico.

Calcio storico.

I was not that far off.

Very good, because you're Italian.

You should fucking know that.

No, I shouldn't know what he said.

What?

What did you see?

You saw three seasons?

Three seasons of Alone.

And you fucking loved it.

I saw the one that's on Netflix.

Phenomenal.

I've loved it. I saw the one that's on Netflix.
Phenomenal. I've started the new season.
Oh. I'm four episodes in.
Dude. So good.
So fucking good. Are you watching it, Rude? No.
Why? I saw seasons. I'm watching anime.
Oh, my God. She just sits there on her days off.
Just. And just sits there on the bed and just with her iPad.
Yeah. And just watches 16 hours of anime.
I don't know what that does to the mind. Rots it.
Yeah, maybe. Or, or are you gonna be an illustrator one day? Can you draw? No.
Oh, well, fuck it. What are you doing? I saw season four, season six, and I'm starting with season seven.

And I'm going to say... Alone is so good.

It's good.

It's so good.

It's so good.

It's so good.

But I think one of the seasons, a guy that you thought would never win won.

Yes.

So a lot of it is not necessarily skill. Oh, no, no, no.
A lot of it is mental fortitude. Right.
And also, you get these medical tests. People that have seen the show.
If you don't pass the medical test, you could feel great and be doing great. If they see that your body is eating away at your muscle, they might take you.
But I would love to try. Bob.
I'm not saying that I'm going to last two or three days. How long? I just want to try.
I want to see if I can last 48 hours. How about this? Yeah.
We should set something up. We'll have the crew set something up where you and I go and we spend 24 hours alone in Joshua Tree.

Yeah.

And all we've got is a sleep.

The 10 things.

I want the 10 things.

No, you don't get 10 because we're going for one day.

I still need the 10 things.

I need my tarp.

I need my machete.

No.

You do get a machete.

We'll get knives.

Can I get a cooking pan?

Yes.

And a fire starter.

Can I get space age food?

No space food.

From the fucking astronauts.

One can of beans. You know how the astronauts have dried fruits? Yeah, Dippin' Dots.
That's where that came from. Oh.
One knife, one tent. Knife, tent, fire starter, can of beans.
That's all you get. No, no can of beans.
No food. Okay.
We're going to hunt our food. You're going to eat.
You're going to eat. I'm going to trap.
Joshua Tree's the desert. There's nothing out there.

I'll trap something.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Knife, fire starter, a pot or a pan.

Yeah.

Water because there's no water source up there.

I need wire.

You need 10-pound wire, 20-pound wire.

To set my traps.

Yeah, okay.

That's five.

What else?

And then I need a snake stick. I need a stick that I could take a snake.
A spear? You have to make that. Oh.
You have to make that. Okay.
Okay. What else do I need? Then you get to bring.
No water. No, you have to.
There's no water source. There's no water.
Let's go to a place where there's a water source because I've learned through Naked and Afraid and through Alone how to do it.

What do you do to the water

you find in a lake?

Well, some rivers,

like,

I'll tell you a story.

My dad and my family

went to Yosemite

and I was probably maybe

eight or nine years old.

Went to Yosemite

and there was no bottle of water

back then.

No.

So we were driving along

and I was thirsty.

Yeah.

I go, Dad, can we stop somewhere and I was thirsty. Yeah.
I go,

Dad,

can we stop somewhere

because I'm thirsty?

He goes,

no,

there's no place

to stop.

I go,

I'm so thirsty.

He just pulls over

and we go to this field

with this lake.

Right?

But it's like a lake,

it's a pond almost.

Yeah,

it's a pond.

Right.

Drink.

You didn't know.

Yeah,

it's a drink.

I drank out of the fucking pond. You could have got dysentery and died.
I went to the hospital. No shit.
I almost died. What did he say? He goes, you said you were thirsty.
You know what I mean? I go, he doesn't know any better. I know that the water has to be flowing.
Or sometimes when you take a lake, you dig another hole so that the water flows into that other hole. It filters out the soil.
Bacteria can – sand. But bacteria can still get in there.
Right. But then I would boil it.
You have to boil it. So I would boil the water.
Okay. Right? And because of a loan, I would set little traps.
Yeah. Right? So I'd take a rock and a little stick and I'd put like a, you know, a Skittles or something.

No, not Skittles.

Or whatever lures the animal.

When they set those traps up.

A Boston bean.

One Boston bean.

Do you love Boston beans?

Yes.

One Boston bean.

The candy.

Yeah, I know.

Everything.

Everything loves that.

You're going to put it right down there?

Right there.

And put the little thing.

Yeah.

And then.

A heavy rock, right?

Yeah, a heavy rock.

And the mouse will go, Boston bean. And it will stick stick that and then his fat hip will hit the fucking stick crush right i don't know how to um gut an animal well that's super important because how are you yeah but well i i bet i make assumptions oh you might know yeah so what i would do was take a swiss army knife yeah right and And I would shake it first.
Shake the mouse or the knife? Yeah, to see if it was dead. Can you hear the Boston baked bean rattling around inside there? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But if I liked this, I went, you know what I mean? I would stick it back in the rock and just walk away. Wouldn't you just crack its neck? No.
I would do it. I wouldn't be able to do it.
Oh, you couldn't do that? Yeah. Rudy, could you crack an animal's neck? No.
If you had to eat it, if you knew you were going to eat it, could you just crack a little rabbit's neck? Maybe. Maybe.
I saw my grandmother do that. So I would take the rat, shake it.
It's dead, right? And immediately I would just take the dick off. Why? Why the dick? I don't want to eat it.
The dick is not is not don't want to eat it don't want it out what if there's a lot of protein in the dick I don't want the dick I have to take the dick out the dick probably is inside their body I know where a dick generally is on any animal if you blow on their nose the dick pops out oh really no I have no idea then I would gut it. I would take an army knife and take the belly.
That's right. I slice it open and I would peel the skin off.
Right. You have to skin it because you want to keep the skin.
Yeah, so I try to peel the skin off the best I could. Yeah.
Right. And then I would gut it down the middle and just take everything that I can from the inside.

All of the organs?

Yeah.

Would you eat the heart and the liver?

No.

You're supposed to.

I won't.

Because I don't know which one is good.

Right.

You don't want to get it.

What's the tastiest portion?

Well, the meat is going to be the best.

Right.

So I'll just take that

and then I would stick a stick through

and I would just

like a rotisserie chicken over the fire.

All right.

Maybe we should set something up. The Bad Friends in the Desert.
But snake, I don't know how to do. Well, I'm not eating a snake.
A snake that there's like – it doesn't taste. Yeah, but in a survival situation, you can – they do eat snake.
Some of them, but I'd rather just eat vegetation if I can find it. Yeah, I have to get a book on what herbs to eat.
And what you can eat because you can get some berries and you can get fucked up from them. Yeah, or certain frogs if they're too colorful.
Well, then they're poisonous. If there was like a gay frog.
You know what I mean? The frogs are gay! No, no, no. He doesn't sound like what's his name? Well, you know how some frogs are like here I am.
I'm a frog. And they have like purple.
They have a whole thing. And they just show, they go, Rebat.
Right, right.

I'm a frog.

And so, you know what I mean?

It's like, I won't eat those because I don't want to get fucking high.

Yeah.

Or you could die or you'd get really sick.

Did you just fart?

Yeah.

In the middle of.

I don't know.

Gay frogs.

Stop it. Gay frogs.

Stop it.

I get gassy.

This isn't a big room.

I know.

I get really gassy. Can we call Fancy B? Oh, wow! Hey, guys! Hey, baby boy! You look cute today! What's the date? Hey, so good to see you! What's the date? What's the date today? What happened today? Wow.
You guys are like, yeah. You're excited, too, about July 13th? We couldn't be more.
We're so excited about July 13th. When I woke up today, what a special feeling I had in my gut.
Yes. I go, this is a monumental moment here.
What is going on on July 13th? And I thought maybe there's some sort of historical relevance about the day. Is there any relevance about today? There's tons of relevance.
I'm going to tell you this is very important. So in 2016, 40 years ago, on July 13th, Prime Minister David Cameron resigned from his duties at the UK.
Holy crap. Because of Brexit.
Oh, wow. The beginning event of the UK.
Wow, Bob, that's important. That's important.
What else happened today? Well, like 35 years ago in 1985, then Vice President Bush became acting president for one day because Ronald Reagan went under surgery. Because Reagan went under surgery.
I remember that. I remember that.
Wow. I think he tasted power then and then, you know.
Then he got hungry for it. What else? Did anything else crazy happen? Yeah.
47 years ago in 1973, the investigators for the Watergate discovered. I remember that.
Yeah, Watergate. I remember that.
Watergate. Yeah.
They discovered that Nixon had a secret recording system. Yeah.
What did any Democratic, uh, Democratic Escapacillment building? Yeah. Did anything else happen today? Yeah.
Sorry. Anything else happened today on this? Oh, yeah.
Plenty of things like 206 years ago. This is my is my favorite.
This was why I got really interested in this day. Italy created the Carabinieri.
Yes, the Italian with the hats. Yeah.
I know that too. The National Guard.
Yeah, it is today. I have a question.
Who the fuck holds a mic like that? How he's pinching it?

Yeah.

Hold it how you hold your penis.

How do you hold your penis?

That's how you hold a mic.

That's how you hold it.

Oh, Andres.

Oh, Andres, very nice.

Bueno, bueno, bueno.

Bueno, espanol.

Espanol.

Okay, so look, today in history was an important day.

You did a great job.

It's really good to see you back on the show.

It's really nice.

Yeah, good to see you guys.

We miss you.

Okay?

Yeah, I mean see you guys.

We miss you.

Okay?

Yeah, I've been missing you.

But we've got Rudy in here now,

so I don't know if we're ever going to see you again live.

I've been coming to that conclusion on my own.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let me ask you, be honest. Is there any resentment toward Rudy? Be honest.
Be honest. Well.
There it is. There it is.
Yeah. Okay.
Yeah. Yeah.
I have to say. What is it? What is the resentment? Just get it out.
Might as well get it out in the open. He called me and he was like – we were having a discussion about the show and he's like, he's getting a little heated.
He's like, why do you need it so fast? I'm trying my best to do that. And I'm like, dude, you just need to.
And he's like, well, why don't you have that bitch in there do it for you? And I'm like, what? Wow. He said, why don't you have that bitch in there do it for you? I thought I was your favorite foreigner.
Wow. Yeah, you know, you're not.
You're not our favorite foreigner. Yeah.
No, no. We'll take a Filipino any day of the week.'re just yeah she's nicer than you she's cooler than you she doesn't talk back doesn't talk back right and you run your mouth sometimes pal yeah you get a little caliente in here i'd smack you around okay i know i've been plotting against her a little bit but yeah have you.
All right. You know, how can I take her down?

You're a director, right?

He's a director, a writer, producer, and...

When are we going to do that short film

with me and Andrew?

Yeah, when?

Have you written that script yet?

Well, you could be surprised.

I have prepared not a short,

but a feature for the two of you

with Carlos Herrera.

He's got a feature for us.

I love Carlos.

Yeah, I love Carlos a lot. He's the best.
So do you write with Carlos Herrera? Yeah. Huh? Okay, good.
I've been working with him. Yeah, it's, oh, I can't wait.
What is, can you give me the premise of the movie? Yeah. It's a horror teen comedy where you guys, like imagine like something like super bad meets friday the 13th okay so it's a bunch of friends uh i mean you two guys and some of your comedic friends uh playing teenagers in high school obviously there's a role for rudy there uh and and you, there's like a murder on the

booth. And while they try to lose

their virginity around prom night,

they have also to

solve this murder

on campus. So me and Bobby

lose our virginity. So we play

high schoolers. I think we could do it.

Yeah, we look like high school kids.

No, no, no. I know we don't, but I think

that'd be funny if I shaved my

mustache, cut

my hair. We put a lot of

Thank you. Yeah, we look like high school kids.
No, no, no. I know we don't, but I think that would be funny if I shaved my mustache, cut my hair.
Yeah. We put a lot of makeup on.
Still not going to work. Yes, I think it will.
I think so. Imagine David.
What do you mean? And you can have Eric Griffin, like, could be a bully and he pushes you in the locker. Well, he could play like the janitor or the principal or something.
Right. The magical janitor.
You know how sometimes like – What was that golfy one with Will Smith? There's always a magical guy. The Bagger Vance.
Yeah, Bagger Vance, right. Or the Green Mile.
I love when there's a magical black guy. Oh, so he's our magical black guy.
Yeah, he's a magical guy. He doesn't really exist, but he's the janitor of the school.
He just kind of appears. He's been emoted.
He's at the school. Well, what if he's like an object at an animal job? Like, what if he's a talking locker? You know? You know, and the vents up top are the things that talk? He's like, you late to class again? Yeah, yeah.
That'd be fun. That'd be fun.
Andres, I like this. I want to read this script.
I'm excited. Okay.
Okay. All right.
Well, look, we love you. Give us a kiss.
Give us one big long kiss. Ready? That's not long enough.
There it is. There we go.
Love you, bud. All right, buddy.
Love you so much. Bye, baby.
Good to see you guys. You hate that guy.
I love him. I'll tell you, Rudy hates him.
No. Yeah.
Yeah, you do. Yeah, she does.
Yeah, you do. You know, it's funny.
I love him to death. In the last couple of days, I've been asking Rudy what's the matter.
Yeah. Because when she looks at me or she's in the kitchen, she just has a sad, glum vibe about her.
What's going on, Rudy? And I go, what's going on? She goes, I'm fine. She's plotting to fucking kill you, dude.
I'm telling you, she's sharpening knives. There's something going on.
So can you talk about what? Don't do the eye thing. About the boy? Is it about the same that boy? No, something great happened the other day.
What happened? Can we talk about it real quick? Yeah. Okay.
So you know that her real father, her biological father.

Bill Gates?

No, no, no.

He's some Filipino dude.

Oh. Who, when he was seven years old, he started his own family and hasn't seen Juliana since then.

Yeah.

And last night, was it?

Or two nights ago.

Two nights.

He reached out to you on Facebook.

Yeah.

And he said he... since then.
Yeah. And last night, was it? Or two nights ago?

Two nights.

He reached out to you on Facebook.

Yeah.

And he said he wanted to talk to you.

What did you say?

And she said, okay.

And they had a conversation.

Wow.

Yeah.

How was it?

Get closer to the mic.

Real close.

The name of this show should be

Get Closer to the Mic.

Yeah.

Wait a minute.

Get Closer to the Mic.

How was it, Jules?

Was it weird? Did you enjoy Closer to the Mic. Yeah.
Wait a minute. Get Closer to the Mic.
How was it, Jules? Was it weird?

Did you enjoy it?

It was awkward because I forgot his voice, his face.

Wow.

You haven't seen him since you were seven?

Yeah.

And so did you video chat or just?

Video chat.

Yeah, on Facebook, video chat.

When he reached out to you on Facebook, were you apprehensive?

Were you like, I don't want to talk to this guy because he hasn't really reached out before? I was curious, but then I also didn't want to talk because I don't know. It's weird.
Yeah. Yeah.
It is weird. I have a friend who was adopted and he didn't want to meet his...
Yeah, I would assume there's some sort of...

Resentment?

Resentment or abandonment issues.

Yeah, because it's like, why'd you fucking leave?

Yeah.

And they're like, no, but I want to meet.

It's like, well...

So, do you guys...

Did you speak in English to each other or no?

English and Cibuano.

Oh, so you go back and forth?

Yeah.

Is his English good?

Yeah.

Has he been to the United States before?

No, but he's been in Korea. Why in Korea? Because his wife is Korean.
Yeah. Oh.
Yeah. Those are like Koreans from the island of Cebu.
Huh. It's like, I don't know.
His new wife. Because your mother, they met when they were really young.
Yeah. What was that? Did you want to cry or no no i was just laughing because um dude that they say that that's what psychopaths do when they're i know they just laugh instead of crying jules jules see how there's this much space yes see how there's this much space between the mic and my mouth eat the mic you have to eat the mic get closer click closer it's mic.
Get closer. Get closer.
It's already closed. There it is.
That's fine. That's good.
So. We have her fucking levels turned all the way up just so we can capture it.
I know, I know. Because she goes like this.
Ask me a question. I'm Rudy.
Go ahead. Ask me a question.
Go. So how's it going, Rudy? He's pretty good at it.
I know. Yeah.
All right. So it wasn't as painful as you thought it was going to be? Yeah.
Are you going to speak again? He really wants to talk to me and start a relationship. Yeah.
Let me tell you something. You're a grown up.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If you don't want a relationship with him, you can say no for now and revisit it later.
I think it's different. You shouldn't feel pressure.
I think it's different because her stepfather, I know because he's been to our house. You like your stepdad.
That's her dad. Right.
That's why it's a good – yeah, you have it. So Kalilah's sister, Honey, right? What a name.
Is Rudy's – so Kalilah's your aunt. Yeah.
Yes. My girlfriend.
And Giovanni is your dad, right?

Ooh, that sounds like a great name.

They've had, wait, wait, one, two, three other children.

So your brothers and your sisters are with you.

Four others.

Well, the fourth one isn't real, right?

Adopted, but still real.

Well, it's a real person.

They just keep it in the basement.

Yeah, but it's not by a lot.

Well, yeah, they keep it away from people.

Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Get closer to the mic!

Get closer to the mic. Get closer to the mic.

She keeps wandering.

Yeah.

It goes straight ahead like this.

You're driving me crazy.

Okay, good.

And so I don't think that she has any kind – I think she's okay with it because she doesn't really view the guy as her dad.

Right.

So, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

And when we talked after you got – we talked right after you were having the conversation with them, you seemed okay. Yeah, almost happy.
Yeah. So you're happy about it? Yeah.
All right, good. Well, I want to see where this relationship continues.
I want to see if you guys actually get along. We'll check in.
If you get on with them. Can I show you something? Okay, go ahead.
You tell me if you think, give me your assessment on this pretty lady.

What do you say about this lady?

She's trans.

She's the first trans woman.

I looked at this a thousand times.

I was like, that was not a guy before.

This is the first trans person in Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition.

Wow.

I looked at it a thousand times.

I was like, they're- Can you lure her down?

I want to see what the legs look like.

The penis?

Oh, the legs?

Yeah.

Look at that fucking face.

Yeah.

She's pretty.

I was like, that was never a guy.

There's no chance.

Mm-hmm.

Would you?

Yeah.

If you were single?

Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Are you nuts?

Yeah. I mean, if there's a pee- a pee pee it'd be weird it'd be hard you would suck the pee pee it'd be weird if her penis was bigger than mine I'd be so bummed I know but you would do it yeah I know yeah just don't come in my mouth nah come on come on back it on.
Back it up. I back it up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, incredible.
First, pretty monumental. That's pretty wild.
That's congratulations to Valentina Sampio. I'm going to look her up.
The first transgender model to appear in Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue and is better looking than all my exes. By a landslide.
Thank you for being a bad friend.

I didn't hear you. She didn't even fucking say it.

No, I didn't.

No, you didn't.

No, you fucking didn't.

You're going to do it on your own now.

Now you're going to do it.

Yes, yes, yes.

You're doing it on your own.

No, no, no.

It's on your own because you fucked that up.

You fucked it up.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

That's great.

Very perfect.

Love it.