Bye Bye Brits

um i think i just won my taxes yeah i just switched to h&r block in about one minute all i had to do was drag and drop last year's return into h&r block and bam my information is automatically there so i don't have to go digging around for all my old papers to switch nope sounds like we just leveled up our tax game switching to h&r block is easy just drag and drop your last return. It's better with Block.
You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots? A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting. You two are something.
We're bad friends. I went to fucking Houston and he was an emcee.
Yeah. And he doesn't even introduce himself to me.
He just goes's a mexican guy and he goes hey bro i go yeah he goes i'm the number one comic in texas that's his opening line it's a big state so i go it's pretty big and he goes i won you know funniest man in texas whatever some oh he won funniest man yeah oh yeah so i go he goes, and then this is what drives me crazy. When an emcee says this, dude, I don't even know what I'm doing here, dude.
I'm a headliner. Oh, bro.
What an annoying. Or they go, I usually headline.
Yeah, dude, I don't know what I'm doing. Why are you not headlining right now? And I am.
So I go, okay. So then he goes up and he does a 15 minute bit about fucking old ladies as an emcee.
That's my – I do that. I know.
That's your closer. That's my biggest closer.
That's your closer. I go, Gladys, get over here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm ready to give you a gummy.
And so I go – after the show, I just go, dude, you – because I had Sarah Tiana or somebody feature. Love her.
Right? And she's pretty clean, you know? She's super clean. She was just kind of like, I don't want to follow that.
So I go, dude, hey, bro. You know, it's a or whatever.
I go, you got to clean it up. Yeah.
He goes, what, dude? I'm a headliner, bro. I don't give a fuck.

You gotta be.

So then his second show, he doubles down.

Yeah, because you, yeah, exactly.

You told him not to do.

Of course he's gonna do it.

He fucking doubles down.

Yeah.

And he does a bit about like, you know, foot fucking midgets.

That's my other bit.

I know that, dude.

Alternative closer.

This guy taking my bit. That's your opener.
Foot fucking midgets. By the way the way that is a funny concept I don't even know the bit but it sounds funny yeah yeah yeah anyway he literally gets up stage and look him right in the eyes and go you're fired oh you fired him on the spot yeah did he try to fight you he goes you can't do that I just did I just called Raymond you're gone I just, and I can go even higher.
Yeah. You're done, dude.
Bye. Bye.
Can I say something? What? Two things. One, happy 4th of July.
I hope everyone had a great 4th of July weekend. Oh! Oh! I hope everyone partied Bobby set off fireworks Hey

And Bobby lied to me Bobby said that he was in Joshua Tree And it caused a panic I said hey dude we're recording today Do you want to be honest I called you and I said Hey dude I rented an Airbnb in Joshua Tree And I completely forgot about it And then then you go, you're fucking kidding, right? You're fucking kidding. I go, no, dude.
And then you go, no, 3.30, you got to be here. And I go, I'm not going to make it.
And then you got Boily. Be real what you did.
You're not being honest about what you did. I'm a good tell if someone is bullshitting me.
You are not that good of an actor. And you sold it better than I've ever heard you sell anything.
Why? Because I wasn't in The Disaster Artist? Is that why? Is that why? Is that why? Watch the new game show with Rob Gunkowski and Robbie Rhee. Don't make fun of my projects.
I won't make fun of your projects. You just made fun of my acting skills.
You're not that good of an actor. So what I'm saying is.
No, but listen. Listen.
Yeah. You got emotional on the phone and you suck.
I bought into it. I know you did.
You said, you go, the whole family's up here and Jules and the animals. And then I got worried.
I go, fuck, they did. Maybe he took the whole family and they needed to go.
So you suckered me with emotion. I know.
I was not believing it until you got emotional. That's called acting.
That's not good acting. You got sucked or didn't do it.
But I couldn't see you. I could only hear you.
It doesn't matter. That's how good I am.
You're a good voice actor. You're a good voice actor.
You'd be a great voice actor. In fact, there's new slots opening up in Hollywood that white people took of non-white roles.

Bro, I'm on a, first of all,

number one, you fucking cocksucker.

That's a show? Number one, you fucking

cocksucker? I'm on a Netflix show coming out

that I'm a regular on. What's it called?

It's called Inside Job.

Dirty Jobs? The spin-off

with Mike Rowe? No, no.

What is it about? It's a bunch of

scientists that work for the government but we're like a, I don't want to get into it because it's not out yet. Because you don't know what it is? I do know what it is.
And number two, I'm in a Sony movie called Wish Dragon with Jackie Chan, me, John Cho. And I'm one of the leads.
It's a voiceover movie coming out. And I've also done...
I was on The Awesomes, which was a fucking Hulu. So fuck you, dude.
I said you're a good voice actor. I can do everything.
No, you can't do everything. You can't dance.
You're not a triple threat. You can't sing or dance.
You can act, but you can't sing or dance. Period.
People like the Daddy Why You Die song. It was because of me.
So you lied to me about going to Airbnb and I almost wanted to text Kalilah to be like, is this fucking real? Because you got me that much that I was like, fuck, man, are you guys really going to the fucking desert? Yeah, and I don't even know what. You are a great actor.
Fuck you. No, no, you actually are.
I don't give a fuck. I don't believe you.
I'll never believe you now. I'll never believe you.
And also, I'm doing you a fucking favor by being here right now.

Okay.

So you're doing me a favor because we came in on an off day.

Yeah.

Oh, thank you so much, Bobby.

Yeah.

You're so sweet.

I'm sorry to interrupt your jerk-off video game sleep troll schedule.

Yeah, you booger.

A booger. You're a booger.
Why, because I'm yellow and slimy? Yeah. What are you? You're a fucking.
This is my month. You're a good guy.
Thank you. This is my month.
You really have a good heart. You have a good guy.
This is my month. This was my celebratory weekend.
This is the independence of the United States of America, pal. Do you even know what the 4th of July is about?

Yes, I do know what the 4th of July is about.

What's it about?

It's about when Magellan came here and the Nosotros de Franco, the boat.

No.

Yes, let me finish.

They came here from the Nosotros de Franco boat, right?

And they hit Plymouth Rock.

They didn't hit it.

Let me finish.

Right?

Yeah.

And then the Sousa Marie boat, right?

Yeah. With the other guy, Colombo.
Yes. Right? They did.
They did. And they came here, dude, and they fucking gave the Indians the blankets.
Yeah, to keep them warm. Right.
And then Washington D. came.
Yep. Right? Washington D.
came, dude. Yeah.
He became our first president, dude. That's exactly right.
And they signed the Proclamation of Independence, dude. They signed a proclamation of independence.
That's right. And that's what happened.
Thank you so much. Rule over Chris D.
from fucking Hyena. Do you know what Fourth of July is? What it means? I just know that the colonies were fighting the British Parliament and then they won.
Knows more than you. Literally knows more than you.
Not born here knows more than you. Literally knows more than you.
I honestly believe you don't really know what it's about. I don't.
Why do we set off fireworks? Do you know why we set off fireworks? I have no idea. You know what you're doing right now? This is in your nature.
I'm trying to revoke your green card. I'm trying to get you out of this country, pal.
don't you go back to where you came from? That you like to put people in shame.

No, not you.

You like to cause trauma?

I want Rudy to outshine you because of how mean you are to her sometimes.

I want her to clap back at you a little bit.

I'm so good to her at home.

Am I not good to you at home?

I'm so good to her at home.

Wait, can I show something of Rudy?

I got sent this.

This is so fun.

Look at this.

Who is that?

Bobby, who is that?

Do you know who that is?

Well, that guy shows up every once in a while in my house.

I'm sorry. this this is so fun look at this who is that bobby who is that do you know who that is well that guy shows up every once in a while in my house i think he's like either the gardener or who is this guy he is sometimes ends up in the i sometimes see him in the garage so this is a member this isn't the newest member of of the lee household yes uh people at home ramon this is ramon we want you to meet Ramon? yeah, yeah.
Ramon Valdez. Ramon Valdez.
How old is he? He's about 18. 18 or 19.
Yeah, yeah. And he works with you guys.
He does work. He just mysteriously appears kind of like a sorcerer.
He just pops up and goes. But then it's weird.
I never see him and Rudy in the same room ever at the same time. Rudy, do you know Ramon? Do you know Ramon well? Have you ever met him? No.
No? You've never met Ramon? Yeah. He's a really nice kid.
Apparently he works. Kalilah was saying he's handy around the house.
He fixes stuff. He does fix stuff.
He's very nice. He's very sweet.
He loves to make eggs for some reason. He's a big egg guy.
He's a big egg guy. Yeah, why? He feeds the dogs, which is great.
But he likes his eggs soft scramble, which is really annoying. Yeah, that's the new member Ramon.
That's Ramon. And Ramon's girlfriend.
We have a picture of his girlfriend. This is his girlfriend here.
Yeah, that's Susie. This is Susie.
Susie Lee. This is Susie Lee.
Yeah, and she – I don't remember her. So I know Susie very well.
People say that she wanders around the house, right? But I don't really recall. I don't ever see her.
You don't – They say that she's – yeah. No, she – this – She's the aunt of Ramon.
Oh, this is Ramon's aunt. Yes, she's the Ramon's aunt.
Can I tell you something about her? Yeah. Very cute.
She has one of those little fat faces. You know those little cute little fat faces yeah and she's got um very nice pudgy little cheeks i just want to pinch her cute little cheeks mind you she's 50 she is 50 years old yeah but she looks really good very tight vagina though uh really yes wow yes and uh one more family member that's added to the new bad friends household.
This, ladies and gentlemen, this is Sheila. Oh, there's Sheila.
She's friends with Susie. Yeah, Sheila is good.
They hang out. They argue a lot.
Now, you can just tell by looking at this that she is a bitch. There's no doubt about it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. She is an awful bitch.
You know the first thing that comes out of her mouth? What? I said no tomatoes. She gets so mad at customer service, she's not a nice person.
Yep, there she is. For some reason, she really does have a hard time just keeping it together, and it could be this fiery red hair.
let's be honest now okie dokie this is a face app and this is you and honestly if I was single would I fuck that girl would you? be real you would? I think so really? yeah do you think she's cute? I wouldn't date her I wouldn't date her no no no

but if I was in

you know what I mean

dating Ohio

playing the funny bone

or whatever

and I should come up

to the show

and I'm like

hey

I really loved your performance

you're so funny

yeah

I'd just be like

yeah

open your mouth

and

yeah

Sheila

so okay

what do you think

is Sheila gross? she looks intimidating She looks intimidating Who's cuter? Sheila or Suzy? Let's side by side it Who's cuter? I like Suzy You like Suzy? You like Suzy That's because you're racist Let me ask you something If you were single, would you hook up with Suzy? If I was single, okay, let me be honest. Be honest.
Suzy looks like, okay, her face, this is not about you. She looks like she drinks and smokes a little bit too much.
She looks like she's been, she's weathered a few storms. And I bet you she'd have a fun couple of late night clubs to go to.
So yeah, I might take Suzy out. Am I going to call her again? No chance.
No. The same with Sheila.
Susie looks like you. These are one night

standers. We are one as a women.
These are one night stand women. You know that old racist term that that Vietnam vets say $2.
I know all of them. Yeah.
$2.00. $2.00.
$2.00. $2.00.
This is $1.30.

She's $1.30 fucky fucky.

How much am I?

I mean, I'm sorry, how much is Sheila?

Sheila is...

Sheila looks like a fucking $80 Vegas girl. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, that makes me feel good. Yeah.
I'm a dollar 30 fucky fucky. But you know what's funny? When the makeup comes off for both of these girls, I know.
Right. Yeah, not good looking.
And Ramon, by the way, Ramon, let's be real, is sexy as shit. Ramon knows jujitsu, it looks like.
Krav Maga. Yeah.
A big Krav Maga guy. Dude, he is actually super good looking.
I'm not kidding. He is, but yeah.
I've shown this to a few friends that listen to the show. Yeah.
And they didn't know who it was. I know.
It's so, yeah, it's really. It doesn't look like you, Rudy.

It does not look like you at all, Rudy.

Rudy, it doesn't look like you.

It's so strange.

When we did the FaceApp, we all collapsed on the ground and we laughed hysterically.

Because it's so good.

And then you saw, and then here's, Kalilah sent me hers.

I have hers in here.

Where is it?

Yeah.

No, I've, oh my God.

I have to send it to myself.

Where's Kenny?

Where is Kenny?

I have to find, do you have it?

I have to find it.

I think I have Kenny.

I have it.

But you know what the funny thing is about the FaceApp is I didn't thinkApp? I have a couple of versions of Kenny. Oh, you do? Yeah.
That looks like a dude I used to party with. Yeah.
We'll see it, bro. Post the one I just sent you.
Uh-huh. This is a different version of Kenny.
So this is version. No facial hair, Kenny.
This is Kenny. Yeah my Incel serial killer Kenny So why does this one look so different That's what's so unique about the app Is that this Kenny Doesn't look anything Like this Kenny Yeah yeah I know this guy I know love Kenny Right Kenny Yeah, yeah.
I know this guy. This guy? I know this guy.
I know left Kenny. Right, Kenny? Yeah, he only goes to Tony Hinchcliffe shows.
The left looks like he goes to that Tom Segura show. This guy on the left seems like, the guy with the beard seems like he's just trying to be a bro a little bit too much.
much but the guy on the right he's a huge brian red band fan he stands outside of the comedy store and smokes cigarettes i know and he waits to say one thing to you as you go uh goodbye and he's been practicing over and over oh yeah but only thing that comes out he's like yeah i know like are you okay you get those a lot yeah you get a lot of those they get so fucking drunk way, that's sad news. The store opened and now they're closed again.
I know. Because you know the bars are officially closed again.
The worst is when you get off stage and somebody goes, good set. Right? Thanks.
But you hadn't gone up yet. Ah, yeah.
Well, they just mean they like your stuff from before. No, no, no.
I've heard, guys, there's a lot of hanger-ons at the comedy store.

Sure.

And they say shit.

That really

just irritates me.

That's why I love

what Sebastian Maniscalco does.

He just leaves.

He doesn't even,

we don't even know

he's there.

Yeah, he ghosts his way in.

You know he has

a separate entrance.

You know that, right?

I know, I love that.

I know what his route is.

Yeah, he doesn't have

to even see anybody.

He, uh...

But that's because

he wants to go home

to his family, too.

He has young children.

I think he just wants to not get into a conversation where someone goes,

Dude, can I...

And he just doesn't have to...

He gets to avoid all that shit.

Yeah.

I went to a bar last night.

Which one?

Went to the comedy store?

No, no, no.

I wanted to go to the comedy store.

Uh-huh.

I want to go and support, and now you can't go anymore.

But I really did...

It really made me, like, heartbroken that they opened that bar for the patio, and you're like, Oh, God, we can't even go in there. No, I went to just like a neighborhood bar just to have a drink to get out of the house.
Did you wear a mask? No. Yes, dude.
You have to. You can't even walk inside.
So how did you drink? You took the mask down? You just pour it on your face. No, no.
How do you do it? You lift it, and you drink, and then you put it back on? So what what you do is I wish I would have known that. When you go to the bar, you have to put a mask on.
You order and then when you go outside to the patio to like a beer garden where tables are fucking. Well, they'd have to ask for your ID so then you had to take your They don't have to ask my ID.
Look at my fucking face. I look like I'm 100 years old.
Yeah, you look like Charleston Heston. I'm old.
Charleston Heston? Yeah. You look like a Charleston chew.
You look like a used candy bar that someone chewed up and then spit out. That's fucking rude.
Charleston Heston is a very, very good actor, a very handsome man. He's dead and he's, well, the image that we have of him is not that he was handsome.
You see, like, you're thinking about old Charleston Heston. That's why you made the joke.
No, I meant, you know, the attitude of like, take the gun from my hands or my old dead body. From my cold dead hands.
Yeah, that's what he said. That's where you'll get this gun.
So. Well, I am like Charleston Heston.
I'm a proud multiple gun owner. And when I say I own guns, I own machine guns.
Handguns are for bitches. I own the big ones.
Yeah? Yeah, come over. I fucking own bazookas.
Come over and say the wrong thing. Bazookas.
Wouldn't you love to have a bazooka, by the way? Mm-hmm. That's the problem.
I would, that's why. An RPG? Ugh.
Yeah. What would you shoot? I would shoot, just off the top of my head, crows.
Crows? Out of just resentment. No, I would probably shoot.
Like, if you could go to the top of the Hollywood sign and you could shoot it at something where would you shoot it I would aim it at probably toward Brentwood why I know I'll hit somebody I don't like well it might hit a Bel Air on the way over so that also could help so we were going to say you went to the bar and then what no I went to the bar I had a couple of people there that don't like you as well, yeah. So we were going to say you went to the bar and then what? No, I went to the bar.
I had a couple of drinks, okay? And then— Did you go with your wife? No, I went with Sheila. You went with Sheila.
Okay, so you and Sheila went out. Me and Sheila went out.
And two fiery redheads don't enter a bar without making a scene. Did you run into anybody you knew?

Yes.

Yes, that's what I'm trying to say.

Someone you don't know.

Someone that actually cuts up clips that works at a company that we've both worked with before.

Off air, I'll tell you.

That cuts up stand-up clips.

It was so crazy.

I ran into him and his wife.

And we said hi, and it was so funny. It was like, you can't really, you know, it's like you can't hug them.

You can't say hello. You can't really talk about much.
You just be like, hey. And then, you know, you kind of have a little bit of conversation.
But you're afraid of, like, I don't want, I don't know. It's weird.
It was weird. It was not even enjoyable.
That's what the bummer was. Like, we had a little bit of fun.
But the whole time in your head, you're like, should I not be here? Is this stupid? I mean, it's open. And I'm nowhere near anybody.
We're sitting we're sitting at you know you're like outside having a beer by yourself yeah you know this whole thing i just i don't know where to stand with it it's like um it's either you know you have those it's because it's so politicized that you have those that say i'll never wear a mask it's against my you know yeah constitutional rights to be free or whatever and then you have ones that are super paranoid like we are.

We as in you guys.

Yeah, like my girlfriend.

I'm not super paranoid, but it is a thing that's in my head.

It's in my head.

But it's not going to go away until we get a fucking vaccination.

Rudy, are you scared?

She's one of the most scared people I've ever met. I'm just careful.
That's so smart. What a smart phrase.
You're not just careful. You're scared.
She just said she's not scared. Because she won't even let me go get...
Let me say something. If I...
When we go back right now... But that's because Kalilah has told her not to let you wander.
I can't go to a Starbucks. Here's why, though.
You're a little... I said it before.
You're a wild card. You wander.
You may end up somewhere That you don't belong I just got a test I just got a test back COVID test Did I not? It came negative I know And I've been doing my own shit I know but But she knows Kalilah knows that If Rudy lets you Get away with whatever That you're gonna You'll wander You know what if you start Talking to a squirrel Am I like a Ronin or a fucking hobo? Yeah, you are. I'm not going to fucking wander.
What do you mean wander? A little hobo bobo with your little satchel. You might walk on the train.
I'm going to go there. I'm not, I know.
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Not available in all states. I go, I want to get Panda Express or I want to go to Trader Joe's and get, you know, my items.
But I don't wonder, like I don't go, I want to go to Trader Joe's, Sephora. Yeah, but you love Sephora.
I know, but I love Sephora, but I wouldn't go, you know what I mean? I want to buy a hammer, right? No, I go to fucking Trader Joe's. I know, trust me, I know.
Yeah, so all I want to tell these ladies in the house is that I want to go here. Just let them go.
But they won't let me go because they're scared. Right.
Okay, isn't that fine though? Then you should move out. You want to move in with me? No.
Do you want to live in my house? No. Look at me.
You want to live with me? I do. You can come live with me.
I already told you before that I just find the energy of your house to be a little stale for me.

And it's restrictive.

Is it because there's not crow shit all over the front

of my house? Do you want me to have crow shit

and 90 animals running around? Why do you

get defensive? Because you make fun of me. I'm not making

fun of you. My house is stale energy?

Not stale energy. I'm just

trying to get, you know, I don't know much about words, right?

Oh, yeah. So I make things

up and I try to get to the,

so let me just get to what I'm trying to get to.

Here's what my house feels like to you. It feels

Let's get to. Here's what my house feels like to you.
It feels clean and organized. No, it seems sterile, office-like.
It is an office. It functions as my home office as well.
Even in the living room, it's like the walls are gray. That's where I work.
First of all, it's blue, so you're not good with color. Are you colorblind? See, you're attacking me again.
You're attacking my house. It's a beautiful house.
Then end it there. No.
There's candles around. Is that bad? Is candles bad? Candles are fucking...
Everybody likes candles. Let me just get to the point.
Did it smell good when you walked in? Delicious. Yeah, so fucking come on.
But then I went to the table and there's like not a mark on it. Yeah, my table's in good condition.
But there's not even a mark. There's not even like a stain or a thing.
It's like all the chairs are pushed in. You know what I mean? All the placemats are perfect.
It's like the fucking showroom in Ikea. Is this a twilight zone? It's not a twilight zone.
There's something something weird whenever i go to a place and things are perfect and things are in place yeah something bad's about to go down and what happened we ordered steak and we had a nice night and then you left saying luckily i got luckily i came fucking well it came away from it with no consequences the dungeon master was out of town but if he was in town you would have been in the's just something weird going on in the house. So no, I don't want to live there.
That's so mean. Stop being mean.
And you know what? Well, you know why my stuff is all nice? Why? Because unlike you, unlike you, my mommy and daddy didn't let me get away with everything. If we fucked up something, we would have gotten in trouble for it.
You got to run amok and fuck up shit. Bobby, don't do that.
And you got to do it. And then they're like, Bobby, and that's it.
I couldn't get away

with fucking up shit.

If I nicked the table

or dented up

or bumped it up,

then I get in trouble.

You're a little run around

loose goose

doing whatever you want to do.

Fucking up everything

and ruining stuff.

Yeah.

Interesting.

Yeah.

You have no idea

the way I was raised.

Mommy and daddy let you

do whatever you want.

The reason why I'm like

the way I am

is because I lived in a fucking sweatshop. What did daddy let you do whatever you want.
The reason why I'm like the way I am is because I lived

in a fucking sweatshop.

What did you make?

No, it's not that.

It's just like every day

I was either getting beat

or molested or something.

Yeah, but do you...

Just here, all right?

And my house was so clean

like your house.

That's why you don't like it.

Let me finish.

Yeah.

Okay?

And everything was so restrictive and you couldn't go to certain rooms at certain times

and this and that that when I left that house, I went the polar opposite.

I immediately bought a gaming console.

I ate a pizza in my new place, the first apartment.

I ate half a pizza.

I just threw it on the ground and left it there for two weeks. That's disgusting.
No, it's not. I had to get it out.
You had to cleanse it. I had to express myself and be like a real human.
Because yours comes from trauma. My organization comes from my...
It comes from Stepford Wives' bullshit. That I like it neat and clean? It's conditioned.
It's taught... By whom? By the military.
Yes, sir.

That's what I'm saying.

There's something about you that's very militarized.

My dad had a military dad.

Yeah.

And you're very like clean cut and,

I, you know, get in line.

You know what I mean?

And this is the way it's supposed to be.

Whereas I'm what they call F-R-E-E. Free.
Oh, you're free. I'm free as a bird, baby.
Are you? Yeah. You're free as a bird.
So when I went to your place, I love everyone in the house. I love your little doggie.
Thank you. Right? Almost too perfect.
I sit down. What dog? What dog? What kind of dog does this? An Asian guy walks.
When an Asian guy walks into any house, the dog should be a little suspicious. But we've trained her well.
No. She's also black.
He's dumb. She's black.
She is black. She's black.
She's an East L.A. dog.
Which is weird. Pantera.
That's her name. So as an Asian guy walks into a house, this dog's never seen this Asian guy.
The Asian guy sits on the couch. What does this mysterious dog do? What does she do? She sits right next to me, looks at me with googly eyes, sticks his tongue out, and goes, Pat me.
Yeah. Right? And I want to look down and it's like, you're lucky that this is the type that came in.
Because, you know what I mean?

Chong Chong from fucking, you know what I mean?

You're the first Asian we've let into the house.

We only let in white and black people, and we don't let in Asians.

You're the first one.

I also knew that, too.

No, no. I felt an energy.

Actually, that's not true.

Kalilah's been to my house before you came to my house.

Oh, when you guys tried to rat me out.

Mm-hmm.

When I was relapsing on drugs, you guys tried to double team me. We didn't double team you.
First of all, when she came over for Halloween when they were on the way to another party and we talked about you because she was worried about you. You guys were so...
You know what's so funny? The reason why I got sober and all this came down was because of you. I know.
Did you know that? Yeah. Have we talked about that? Not on the show.
Yeah. You're the reason why I'm sober now.
That makes me smile, actually. No, it was sabotage.
It wasn't sabotage. In retrospect, it was a blessing in disguise.
I was worried about you. At the time, I fucking hated you.
I was worried about you. I was like, this guy, oh my God.
But now you know that it was for the better. Everything happens for a reason, I believe, in my books.
But yeah, so I'm sorry for making- Thank you for the invite. Let me- Let me- It's a 20-minute dance around about you not living in my fucking house.
Let me backtrack. Let me backtrack.
Let me backtrack. You can't live in the house.
It's fine. No, I won't live in the house.
Let me backtrack. Thank you so much for the invite.
No problem. Although I find your place neatly kept and mysterious in the best ways, I really appreciate your hospitality.
Okay. I had a very delicious meal at the table that's never been used before.
It's used every day. It just gets cleaned.
It just gets cleaned. We have a Rudy in our house.
Not a ding. Not a ding.
Who's dinging up tables? What are you hitting a table with? Do you put a plate down like this? Well, you see, this is my food plate. I want to say this.
Do you ever see Lord of the Rings? No, you know I've never seen one of them. Okay, so, or Game of Thrones.
Never seen one of them. Okay.
So I'm going to teach you something. When Vikings – right? When Vikings – My people.
Exactly. It's not your people because you don't know how to ding a table.
So when Vikings – when they go to a village and they hoard, right? Yeah. Or they're victorious in a battle.
Right. Right? They always make it to some sort of hall.
Yeah. A celebration hall.
A celebration hall, right? Or they're victorious in a battle. Right.
They always make it to some sort of hall.

Yeah, a celebration hall.

A celebration hall, right?

And the king stands up and...

Now hear this!

We are victorious!

Right?

And everyone stands up and they go clunk, clunk, clunk with their little cantinas, right?

And they fuck on the table.

They eat fucking meat off the bone, right? The leg bone, right? And they go, ah, Vladimir, come over here! Or whatever their name is, right? Yeah. And they fuck on the table.
They eat fucking meat off the bone, right? The leg bone, right? Yeah. And they go, ah, Vladimir, come over here.
Or whatever their name is, right? Yeah. Flankar, come over here.
And then they fucking, they'll do a wrestle. And they use their tables because they're full of life.
And they're full of expression. And they're full of artistic energy.
Is that what you do on your table? Yes, we do. And we're very celebratory at our table.
Okay. And you're, this is a you, right? Honey, dinner time.
Let me just say. I ring the bell.
Ring, ding, ding. Ring, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.
Dinner time, right? And then she comes up with some sort of roast, right, with herbs in it. You guys love your herbs.
Time and rosemary.

You bring it to the table.

And you go,

dark meat or white meat, honey?

Ew, dark meat.

Ew.

And then somebody probably slices it

with nice utensils,

lightly puts it on the thing.

And let me say something.

If a piece of meat goes onto the table,

it becomes a 911 freak out Karen emergency. Yeah.
Hello, police? Yeah. There's a piece of roast juice that dripped on my table.
Right. And I bet you Monday you guys do this, right? You probably go, you know, honey, I'll do the dishes tonight.
Do you do that? We do. I just, we both do it.
We both share the, it's an unspoken.

Sometimes I do.

I leave the shit on the table.

Oh, you make the women in the house do it?

I leave the shit on the table and I don't even look at it anymore.

I just, it's like as if it's like I throw the fucking napkin down.

I just, I almost push the fucking plate away from my body.

Yeah.

And I'll just turn my body and I'll just leave.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

And all I hear is clink, clink, clink.

And then they're cleaning it.

Right.

And the whole time they're going, this fucking piece of shit.

I can't wait to kill him.

I'm going to fucking kill him.

I'm a real guy.

Oh, you're a real man?

Yeah.

I just said it.

Oh, you're – so a real man just leaves someone else to clean up their bullshit?

That's what a little boy does.

A little bitch boy goes, clean up after me.

I'm not grown up enough to clean up. That's what a bitch boy does.
A little bitch boy goes, clean up after me.

I'm not grown up enough to clean up.

That's what a bitch boy does.

Yeah.

A man cleans up.

I do sometimes.

No, you fucking don't. I never do it.

When is the last time you cleaned?

I never do it.

I never do it.

Has he ever cleaned?

He tried last week, but then when I saw the plates, it was still dirty.

You scrubbed and didn't really clean them. You just put water on them? Don't.
Don't. Don't.
Don't. Don't that.
Hey, do your dogs freak out over the fireworks for real? Yeah, they don't freak out. They just...
I bought my dog. We had to buy my dog a...
Earmuffs? No, we bought her a... It's called a thunder blanket.
Do you know what that is? I think so.

Thunder blanket? It kind of like...

It hugs them so they don't have crazy anxiety because the fireworks

are fucking

insane how many people are lighting off fireworks

in LA. And it's every night we go for a walk.

Boom, boom!

But they're saying that the government is...

I read this. There's conspiracy theories that the government's

doing it to get us conditioned.

To bang noises.

I don't think that's... Do you believe

that? I do. You do?

Thank you. I read this.
Conspiracy theories that the government's doing it to get us conditioned. To bang noises.
Yeah. I don't think that's – do you believe that? I do.
You do? Yeah. Because I want to look up the story because I read that same thing that – this says the government is doing this to get us used to – what is it called? Not martial law.
Where they – like militant – we're a militant force. Look at this.
Large-scale firework displays into the evening, a week before the protest. Still now the middle of June, and every night they're still going on.
But you know what's so crazy about this? Conspiracy theorists are fun, I guess, and they're goofy people. Most of them turn out to be real.
Flat Earth, real. I know.
They proved it this year. I know.
Well, I went to the edge. You've been to the edge? I've been to the edge, dude, of the Earth.
What does it look like? What happens is I was in the ocean, and I was in my ferry boat. You know, I own a ferry boat.
Your new one. The new one that I have, yeah, the old one's bad, you know what I mean? And Jules has been out there with me, right, Jules? 2-2.

And the song that we sing is the Rorosha song.

Oh. Rorosha, Rorosha, Rorosha

boat. It's my fairy boat.

Yeah.

That's our favorite.

Mary, Mary, Mary, Mary.

It's a fairy boat.

So you got to the edge. We got to the edge

and it's like Truman Show. It just drops off? No, there's a wall.
Oh, shit. There's a fairy boat.
Right. So you got to the edge.
We got to the edge and it's like Truman Show.

It just drops off?

No, there's a wall.

Oh, shit.

There's a wall.

Oh, my God.

Right.

And what happens is

my fairy boat, right,

hit the wall

and I looked at Jules.

I goes,

I guess, back to L.A.

That was you found out the end.

Yeah, we found the end.

You didn't want to like figure out

if there was a door

or anything outside of it

like he does in Truman Show?

No, no, no.

That's it? Yeah. But, um...
Is that true out if there was a door or anything outside of it like he does in Truman Show? I don't know.

That's it?

Yeah. But um Is that true Jules? Did you see the edge of the earth? Was it beautiful at all or no? It was plain.
It was plain. Much like my house.
Just like your house and also Because guess what? Honestly You're living in my house. I know.
But honestly Yeah. I'm so proud of her.
Why? Because two times during this podcast already. Yeah.
She. Pulled the mic herself.
Not only that. She agreed.
Right. She normally would go, no, we didn't go on a boat.
You know what I mean? But now she's getting to play along. Yeah.
Honestly, I'm about to now Don't, Bob, don't cry I'm so proud of her Dude, that right there is like a gun instinctual thing that she learned From you Not just didn't learn, she just, by being on podcasts I think she learned just to add information or to agree. Right.
I never taught her the rules of improv.

Right.

But twice she already did that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're getting good.

You're really getting good.

Rudy's going to have her own podcast.

She's going to supersede this one.

Are you getting more famous online now, by the way?

She has like 14,000 followers.

Really?

Yeah.

On her Instagram.

Isn't that funny that that's more than like certain people that we know?

I know.

Like comics.

Who are like trying to do it for a living.

I know. And she doesn't care.
She posted posted one photo of the dogs no she put there was a photo of the dog i saw you this photo no she did no just shut up just give me a second okay should we bring it up bring it up here wait a minute what she oh oh go to bad rudy go to bad ruby rudy and then i'll show you the photo that she's she put up this one before this one the? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This one? Look at this.
Ooh, la, la. Don't blush.
Oh, my gosh. Look at this one.
And so Rudy posted this, and this is called, this is called, Hey, It's Me, It's Rudy, Pay Attention to Me. That's what the title of this is.
Hey, It's Me, It's Rudy, Pay Attention to Me. Rudy.
Rudy. Rudy.
Whaty what are you trying to say here young lady what are you trying to say there what are you trying to say here young lady from no posts right to like you know look at me i'm a peacock look at me i'm a peacock for people that can't see if you're listening rudy is uh trying to do one of those la model girls faces and the face looks like you face looks like you saw something in the distance and you're scared or you're almost about to fart. That's just pre-fart.
No, no, no. She looks emotional there.
Look. The sunset is so beautiful.
The sunset is so beautiful that I'm about to on the verge of crying. Look at that.
So beautiful sunset, virgin prime. I'm the virgin prime.
Or she's thinking, is that Harry Styles coming towards me?

She loves Harry Styles.

So Rudy, tell us, what's the vibe behind this?

What was the reasoning of all this?

I think Alilah helped me with a thirst trap.

Yeah.

Yes, so she said, you said, did you say, I want to do a thirst trap for the internet no i think kalilah she did gave me an idea bad influence bad influence why i'm not gonna say his name did we talk about last week i don't know about the guy in school no there's a boy that you like yeah oh boy okay so boy. Okay, so.
And I know his Instagram and whatnot. We're not going to say his name.
You've checked him out. Oh, yeah.
Okay. Is he cute? Is he cute? You know, he looks like a young, weird Al Yankovich.
Okay. Yeah, yeah.
Curly hair. Curly hair, but also just you can tell that he's a funny guy.
He looks like a young Jewish guy. He does a bit in his Instagram where he goes – he just runs into a locker.
He like jumps into a locker and falls on the ground. Yeah.
You know, and so – It's funny. Is he funny? To me, it was funny.
He's cute. Yeah.
And you really like this guy. Well, what happened was – Rudy! I don't want to embarrass her, but – Well, we're already there.
She started following him, and he never followed her back. Son of a bitch.
Son of a bitch. Who the fuck does this kid think he is? He wants to be an actor.
And he doesn't follow you? He doesn't follow you? He's an actor. And doesn't follow Rudy? And wants to pursue, right? And he doesn't realize that Rudy here- Is more famous than him.
Is more famous than him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Which is insane to me.

You still like him now?

So I wanted to fucking.

So I go to the girls.

I go, that's it.

I'm following him.

And I'm going to send him a direct message.

Follow my fucking niece back.

Did you do it?

No.

But they're like, don't do it.

Yeah, that's embarrassing.

It's embarrassing.

It's embarrassing.

It's embarrassing.

But also.

Yeah.

I kind of want you to do it.

I want to do it too.

I want to do it too.

But do you, do you, have you had run-ins with him in this summer now? When school was done, have you talked? No, but we talked once. Tell him the...
Tell me. And I'm so disappointed in her reaction.
What happened? We were in class, U.S. history, and then he said something about what are you doing for the project? And then I started coughing.
And then I couldn't talk. You got nervous? Did you get so nervous that you started coughing? Yeah.
So let me, yeah. So, Jules, what are you doing for the class? That's what you did.
You just got tightened up and then did you say anything? Or no, that's it. Oh, I forgot.
She blacked out. She blacked it out? She fucking went into a black hole.
Yeah, in her mind. Do you think now he thinks you're a weirdo? No, that you said that he laughed when you did that.
Oh, okay. He thought it was cute.
So he gets it. Yeah.
She probably blushed, coughed, right? Yeah. Yeah, and then blacked out.
And he went, weird. Filipinos are weird.
You guys are weird. But what I wanted to tell her is that...
Chinese girls are weird. Yeah.
I want to know his name so bad I'm not going to say his name. Yeah, I know.
I mean, what I would love to do is just to be – listen, okay? What I would love to do is get in contact with him. I wish we could call him on the show.
I know, me too. I wish we could do that because you're not – he graduated already, right? Yeah.
So you're never going to see him again. Oh, he's going to college.
He's going to college, right?

You're never going to see him again.

What school is he going to?

Do you know?

You're never going to – and it's also – I'm going to be honest with you.

I know for a fact, right, that one day that you're going to meet somebody so much more better than that guy.

Yeah.

Right?

But I also want to be mindful and know that she is a teenager and teenagers get crushes i had many crushes in school right do you remember your first crush oh my god i had so many of them but one that stood out the most god i can give you i can give you the first time i realized that i liked that i liked girls like you know the moment as a young boy when like, you know, there's always this joke is like,

super young boys are like,

yeah, we want to go kiss a girl.

It's like, shut up, dude.

Fucking, yeah.

And at one point I was with my dad

and we were picking up my cousin

from her birthday party at Chuck E. Cheese.

And we walked in and I was waiting for my dad

to get my cousin and my aunt.

And I look over and dude, it's as vivid today as it's ever been. It was probably, she was probably, I was probably, you know, whatever, 10 or 11 or whatever.
She was a Mexican girl. She had to have been 16, 17.
She was a high school girl, I could tell, and I was this young little nerd, and she was with. Did you think about her at nights? Yes.
Dude, dude she was with her little sister who was probably around my age yeah right and i look over and i saw this tall girl she was really tall and had this like beautiful dark skin and she looked down i mean she smiled and i swear to god my brain was like i like those things i i don't know what it was i i do it just whatever it was it clicked. Yeah, yeah.
And it just became this like, so dark, dark, you know, that like dark skin, dark hair. Yeah.
She was so pretty and her smile looked down. I mean, you know, when I was a kid, I probably thought she was 40, but she probably was 16 and I was 10.
You know, when you see older kids, you're like, yeah, what are you, 48? You know, they're like, I'm 20. And you're like, oh, what are you, what are own a bank? But that was my first moment of like – didn't have a crush on her, but I realized I was like, oh, man, I like those things.
There is parts of me that misses that young love. When you like – Oh, yeah.
When you get a crush so hard that it just – it consumes your mind 24 hours a day. Well, and you get nervous all the time to talk to them.
I remember like the first – I got set up on a date with this girl. Our friends were like, you guys need to be a couple.
You need to be a couple in junior high. I can't say her name.
She was the first black girl I've ever dated, and she was the last because they hit too hard. But she was...
But our friend set us up. Our mutual friend

set us up. And then they would call

me together and it made me

so nervous to talk to

her with our other friend listening.

The whole time you're like, don't sound stupid.

Don't sound stupid. Don't sound stupid.
And you're trying to be

cute. Like, you remember being on the

phone with somebody until like 2, 3 in the

4, 4, 5 in the morning? You just stay on the phone all night until you fell asleep. You don't do that.
You guys don't do that stuff, do you? No, because they have text and fucking Instagram and shit. Because for me, when I was 23, I was still had that high school thing because I never got girls.
Right. Yeah.
So then I remember one time I met this girl and then I opened for Carlos Mencia in San Antonio. And I remember him yelling at me because I used the condo's phone from after the show till nine in the morning.
And the condo was next to his because he could hear me. The whole night.
And the whole night I'm just like, yeah, so what are you eating? You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. I love those.
those. Yeah.
Avocado. Young love.
Right. It's young love.
One time, I'm going to tell you this story. This is so sad.
So I was a waiter at this restaurant. Which one? It's called the Brockton Villa.
Oh, in San Diego? In La Jolla. That's very nice.
I know what that is. It's on the Cove.
Yeah. I worked there for years, and there was girl that had the biggest crush on in fact i hung out with her every day for about a year in fact as a friend well i did she know no she didn't know but i had this big crush on her in fact i would go to this coffee shop on my off days because at one time i saw her

there yeah just and would stay there all day just so in case and then if i did she never came in

there again right but just in case if i did run into her i'd be like oh what are you doing here

oh you do you like coffee yeah yeah so one night and this is a year every day i would either call

her or hang out with her i would ask for shifts that she was working because she was right yeah

Thank you. So one night, and this is a year, every day I would either call her or hang out with her.
I would ask for shifts that she was working because she was right. So one day, she was supposed to hang out with me.
And I go, what are you doing? And she goes, I know we were supposed to hang out, but I'm sick. Oh, no, you're not.
I go, oh, you're sick? Okay, cool. So then my other friend goes, there's this party.
So I go to the party. And then some girl came up to me.
She goes, oh, are you here with so-and-so? She's here. Right? I go, she is? No.
She had lied. Oh, no.
And she's with someone else? Yes. And I'm looking all over the party for her.
It gets worse. So then I hear, she's in this bedroom.
Upstairs. Yeah, I'm not kidding you.
And then you instinctively are like, she must be taking a nap at the party. Yeah, yeah.
She might be tired. So I walked in.
Why would you do that? And she's hooking up with this guy. Yeah, obviously.
So I close the door. no you just walk in and go she saw me though yeah she goes what are you doing and you go nothing it's a really nice room it's a good door yeah yeah right and i remember going out in back of the party and i punched a tree 50 times.
Because you were just so angry

and so hurt.

Yeah.

And she ended up

marrying that guy.

Oh, well then it's worth it.

They have kids.

Oh, that's worth it then.

They should have named

one of their kids Lee.

No, but I remember

That hurts a lot.

I remember still

even after Matt TV

because they moved

to San Francisco

and she would she doesn't she lives like lives like an hour outside of San Francisco. I remember playing the room there and then she would always drive you know what I mean? With her husband? No, by herself to come have lunch with me.
That's really sweet. Yeah, she's sweet.
That's really nice. So it started off bad but it ended really nice.
You know, because that event happened right before I did stand-up. Yeah.
And I believe that that event drove me into doing stand-up. Really? Yeah.
There was a couple things. I was kicked out of a band called Lax and Superb.
We've seen it. We love your band.
Lax and Superb. And then that had happened.
And then also I had no money and I had no future. I remember sitting, looking at my bank account, it said like 76 cents.
And I remember just going, I got to call my parents for rent. I have no money.
And then I remember going, I have to do something drastic or this is the life I'm going to live. Yeah.
Just struggling. Yeah.
And so without, and then I'm never going to meet anybody. Oh God, all those feelings of doom.
All those feelings of doom. I was 22 years old.
And you were scared. I was scared.
And then at 23, I walked by the comedy store in La Jolla. What's her name? The first name.
Anna. Anna.
Thank you, Anna. Thank you, Anna.
And I walked by the comedy store, and the help wanted sign, and I knocked on the door.

That's incredible.

That's how it worked for you.

I'll tell you an embarrassing story that doesn't end so sweet.

Tell me.

My first year in college, a girl two doors down, who I became friends with.

We all became friends later.

But I had such a crush on her.

I thought she was so cool.

She was so cool, dude. And she was pretty, and she was nice.
And she was athletic. First name.
I gave you mine. Carrie.
Okay. It's just she was so cool.
Yeah, yeah. And I was nervous.
I know. And I stupidly, stupidly wrote a note one night and slid it on a – stop laughing, Rudy.
I wrote a note. I know.
It's so lame. I wrote a note and I slid it under her dorm door.
Okay? Did it have a question? Yes or no? No. No.
It basically was like I just want to let you know, you know, I think you're so cool and I'd love to hang out sometime. I was so nervous.
And she never, ever told me that she got the note. We never, ever talked about it.
Oh, how embarrassing. Oh, no.
Oh, poor Andrew. We became friends.
But did you ever walk by her? We became really close. But after that, she actually dated another friend of ours.
Right. But after was like in the past at some point we all became cool on our floor and hung out it was real embarrassing yeah it's you know what i call those pretend it didn't happen moments yeah oh i didn't get your note yeah she probably got it and goes i have to for me to in order for me to move on in life yeah i had to either accept this as reality or pretend it didn't happen.
And that's what happened. This didn't happen.
I think, first of all, she showed it to all the other girls making fun of me. All right.
All the girls on the dorm floor were like, you know what that stupid, redheaded piece of shit loser said? These are the freak. The unfuckable.
You know what the freak said to me? And he thinks I'm cute. And they're like, ew.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you know what I did to get back at some of the girls that were being mean to me on the hall floor? A friend of ours worked at Spencer's Gifts.
You know Spencer's Gifts in the mall? Yeah. And back then they used to sell sex toys too.
I don't even know what they do anymore. They don't.
They did though. I know they did.
Yeah, and so they used to sell sex toys and we had a friend get us a bunch of sex toys. So we got a bunch of big rubber dildos.
We used to throw them at people on campus from the bridge. And at night...
You were a frat? Huh? Were you in a frat? No. Okay.
At night, this was just me and my guy friends being idiots, but at night, one of the girls in the hall who was mean to me, who would end up being friends with a girl that I liked, she was just such a dick to me for no reason. She was doing laundry, and the doors were wide open so you could hear the laundry through the halls.

Even if at night it'd be quiet at the dryer,

I threw a bunch of dildos

in the dryer

and turned it on.

Yeah, yeah.

So for five minutes

until everyone woke up,

and she opened it up and she's like

what the fuck is it

there was like

five dildos

inside of her laundry

and then we all

I walked out like

what's going on

who would do that

that's nuts

you know what guys

don't realize

you know how like

some people

guys dildos inside of her laundry. And I walked out like, what's going on? Who would do that? That's nuts.
You know what guys don't realize? You know how some guys will snap? I don't get any pussy! And they'll snap and they'll just shoot up a mall. What these guys don't realize is none of us got any.
That's a part of growing up is these frustrations of love loss or not getting attention to women. You don't go shoot up a school.
You don't, no. You just get on the internet and feverishly masturbate hoping that your college roommate doesn't come home.
Yeah. Did you ever – I had those – you didn't really go to college.
Oh, fuck you. Well, no, you didn't.
I didn't. But I had worries all the time of timing.
If my roommate was like going out, I knew I could masturbate. And he'd be like, hey, I'm going to go to the gym for a while.
And I'm like, how long is a while?

He's like, like an hour.

I'm like, okay.

And like the moment he's gone,

it's like.

But I didn't know,

but I did live in my early 20s

with six guys in San Diego

and in a three bedroom apartment.

Oh, two guys to a room?

No, people lived on the living room.

Oh, just spread out.

Yeah, right.

And we lived with a Christian.

Okay.

With a man of God.

He was not only just a man, devout, born-again Christian. Oh, so he was – Red-headed guy.
No offense. No offense taken.
And Alex. And then I remember one time coming home from work, and he's crying on the couch.
And I go, what's the matter? And in his hand was one of my Hustler magazines. Oh, you pervert.
I know. And I go, and he gets up and he goes, how dare you lay these things around so that I can sin? These pages are all stuck together.
And he goes, I've been masturbating all day.

Right?

And he was also a guy.

And he blamed me for sinning.

You made him masturbate.

I just left it like.

Right out in the open.

In the bathroom or something.

Oh, yeah. He goes, how dare you?

I can't poop without getting a boner.

This piece of shit, too, would get Sonny Delight. Sunny D.
Sunny D is delicious. So good.
And I couldn't afford Sunny Delight. That's how poor I was.
Yeah. But also I would steal his Sunny Delight.
And he came up to me. He goes, excuse me? I work very hard.
And I've been saving my money to get the Sunny Delight. And I go, yeah.
And I would really appreciate it that if you not drink out of my Sunny Delight. And for me to now figure out, and I have a system now, see this line? So he would take a black marker.
And mark every time he had a drink? He would drink and mark it. Idiot.
Idiot, right? Because what I would do is fill it with water so eventually it was just water

this piece of shit he still doesn't want to believe it too he's just like the sunny delight tastes watery but it's still my sunny delight yeah we i lived in a house i had a when i first moved out here yeah i lived in a two bedroom one bath and it was three of us sharing one bathroom I lived in an old dining room, a partitioned-off dining room.

But my most fun too many guys house was my second year in college. We all lived together.
Our house was a constant revolving door of just people coming and going and partying and hanging out. And there were no rules.
People could just do whatever they wanted. That's how kind of all of those houses were in college.
And one of my buddies, this was great. We got kicked out of a party because one guy in our group was trying to get into an argument or a fight with some dude, right?

Yeah.

And my buddy says, all right, let's get the fuck out of here before something crazy happens.

We leave.

We get in the car.

And we're all fucking, we're all shit-faced, by the way.

It's bad.

No drinking and driving is bad.

Our driver was sober, I bet.

But he goes, fuck those guys. I go, yeah, it go yeah it's fucking sucks we always party over there that sucks he goes i got him good i was like what did you do and he just holds up an eight ball a pool ball he was i stole their eight ball from their pool table i was like why what are we gonna he goes you know how hard it is to buy one single pool ball and all those fucking idiots are going to buy a whole new ball of pool ball sack.
Really? That was his revenge. Were you like, were you laughing? No, we were like, I was like, that's cool.
I think that's pretty cool. I go, who made you think of that? And he goes, I just saw it and I was like, I'll fucking take from them.
I'm going to take a pool ball from them. That's pretty cool.
They're never, they're never, they're never going to know where it went. This is the same guy.
This is my, college roommate who the same guy. He was so depressed.
He's going to listen to this. He was so depressed that he failed math for like the n-steenth time.
And we were at a party. And he was sitting with his butt on the floor and his back against the couch.
And he had a handle of Jack Daniels sitting in his lap. And I go, come on, man.
You're being really weird, man. You can't do this kind of stuff at a party.

People are going to be fucking freaked out

that this weirdo is blacked out by himself.

He's like, get up.

You either got to go home

or you got to party with us.

And no shit, he just goes,

and I go, are you going to throw up?

And he goes, and he looks up in the sky

and he fountain throws up

like two, three feet in the sky.

But I respect him. He held his shirt out and he caught it in his shirt.
I'm not kidding. I have witnessed it.
In his shirt. And he goes, take me outside.
And I have to pick him up. And he's wiping puke off of his shirt.
And I go, are you going to go home? He goes, I think it's time to go home. This guy was the best guy to party with.
but also like you. Who knows what's going to happen? Who knows where it's going to go? I have a friend, Nathan.
I swear to God, he was in the Blue Man group. Shut up.
I swear to God. Because the Blue Man group, it's not always the same guy.
I know. There's a million of them.
There's a million of them, right? Yeah. But he was an alcoholic, Nathan, right? And my friend Kalisto told me And Nathan backed it up You know my friend Kalisto? Yeah Yeah So, Nathan was completely drunk in Vegas Doing the Blue Man Group And he was a blackout drunk, right? And he vomited into his drums But then he had to fucking It splattered into his drums Yeah, yeah, yeah yeah The colors are getting out of that drum

It was insane

Speaking of my friend Kalisto

So my friend Kalisto and I

Lived in Silver Lake

We had

Every day we'd

There was an El Pollo Loco

Across the street

And we would buy a

BRC burrito

What is that?

Bean, rice, and cheese burrito

Oh yeah yeah yeah

And we would split it in half

And that was our meal

They're our dollar

That was all you could afford?

That's all we could afford

For the day?

Yeah

Wow

Thank you. rice and cheese burrito.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we would split it in half and that was our meal.
They're our dollar.

That was all you could afford?

That's all we could afford.

For the day?

Yeah.

Wow.

And we would have,

just thinking back,

these arguments like over the phone bill.

You know how you would get enraged?

Oh, yeah.

He'd just be like,

we live in Silver Lake.

Who calls Santa Monica?

Right? What? Are you like, what what i'm not paying the 76 cents like those kind of arguments when you're so poor yeah now it'd be like oh i don't get you know you don't even look at it 76 cents well there is no phone bill anymore i know that exists before cell phones when you're the arguments of when you're so poor oh like the arguments when you're so my first. My first roommate ripped up the carpet in our house when I first moved here.
Yeah.

And I came home.

I said, what the fuck are you doing?

He goes, there's wood floors under here, man.

I was like, what the fuck?

We have to pay for that shit.

And he's like, I know.

We'll just tell the landlord there's wood floors, man.

And I was like, yeah, dude, we fucking ripped up the carpet, asshole.

And he was just like, well, I don't know what to do.

And I was like, I'm not paying a fucking security deposit.

I get all mine back.

Fuck you.

I'm not paying attention. And I was like, yeah, dude, we fucking, you ripped up the carpet, asshole.
And he was just like, well, I don't know what to do.

And I was like, I'm not paying a fucking security deposit.

I get all mine back.

Fuck you.

I'm not paying any of that shit.

You get these crazy arguments when you're poor. Yeah, because you're so nervous that it's going to collapse you.

I mean, I had panic attacks that they were going to come get my car, my first car that I was leasing.

I was so nervous that I wasn't going to pay the bills that I thought, because I'd seen or heard of those things where they repo your car and they come just take it from you even if your shit's in it they're like it's ours i know so i used to have panic attacks in the middle of the night that want because i didn't pay a bill and i was like they're gonna just take my fucking car and then i won't be able to get to my shitty job to make my shitty rent and then they'll kick me out of this place i used to have those tumbling thoughts every night, every single night. I had emotional feelings toward objects because of the experiences.
Yeah, because they meant so much. I'm not even kidding you.
I had a white. So when I moved to L.A., I had a white Toyota truck.
And, you know, my friend, Jonathan Gossick, who was a comic who I started with, he asked him, there were no windows. In the truck? In the cab? They were all blown out.
There were no windows. Ask him.
So you would be in the winter driving down. You know what I mean? No windows.
The 405. You'd be so cold imagine the wind yeah and i remember i would park at lax to go on the road and i'd come back right and i remember one time i came back and there was a one of those locks on the wheels oh oh they booted you they booted you I owed it money.
Yeah. And I couldn't pay it.
No. I'm not kidding you.
I walked up to the truck. I put my hand on the hood.
And I weeped like as if somebody had died. Because somebody did die.
Because I would never see that truck again. Did you never see it again? No.
Oh, Bob. Because I had to let it go.
I couldn't get it back.

So I remember going,

thank you.

Like, I remember saying

things to it like,

thank you so much for Tijuana

when we went to Tijuana.

Like, all those.

Remember we got in the car accident

and we got away with it.

When we hit that guy,

we killed him and no one knows

but you and me.

Yeah, yeah.

And I remember just

so many experiences in that truck.

Yeah, but it means so much.

It means,

and when you're poor, it means so much to you. Yeah.
Yeah. And you know what? What? Honestly? Yeah.
That's why my table at my house doesn't have any nicks in it. You want me to bring the story around? That's exactly why.
Because I had so little of anything that now I appreciate the fuck. What my story was is going through real life experiences with an object, right? I understand.
You bought this bullshit thing from Ikea. I don't, I didn't, it's never much I threw it in your house.
You don't give a fuck about it. I picked that table very delicately.
Oh yeah? What experiences? Oh, we had meals here. Yeah, we've had nice conversations there.
When the pandy broke out, I cried over Italy. If I went to your house, I go, how much was that? Let's just suppose that was three grand.
The dinner table? Yeah. It wasn't $3,000, dude.
A thousand, whatever it might be. No, what is wrong with you? $600.
It was like 20 grand. No, no, I don't know.
I don't even remember what it was. Right, if I gave you the 20 grand and I took a fucking, you know.

It wasn't 20 fucking grand.

Whatever it was, and I took a fucking chainsaw.

Here's 20 grand, and I fucking couldn't have you.

Would not cry.

No, if you gave me 20 grand, that's so stupid.

I could buy 10 new tables.

Happy America.

Happy America.

America.

The greatest country in the world.

Be blessed.

God loves you.

Love it.

I'm the best.

Thank you for being a bad friend. 4th of July 4th of July 4th of July It's the 4th of July Fireworks Rockworks Your neighbor Steve Is the fucking is the fucking worst.
Come on over, don't be scaredy. We're all down to party and fuck the British, yeah.
The 4th of July, yeah, the 4th of July. The 4th of July.
Ooh, Yeah. So much.

I black out.

Who showed up?

I begin to shout. Fight with my dad.
Fight with my dad Fight with my dad Fight with my dad Make up, get drunk, fight with my dad Oh, it's a 4th of July Oh, it's a 4th of July 4th of July Oh, it's a Fourth of July. Fourth of July.

Oh, it's the Fourth of July. Yeah.
Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.

Yeah.

Woo.