Bye Bye Brits

Speaker 1 I am so excited for this spa day. Candles lit.
Music on.

Speaker 1 Hot tub warm and ready.

Speaker 2 And then my chronic hives come back.

Speaker 1 Again, in the middle of my spa day. What a wet blanket.
Looks like another spell of itchy red skin. If you have chronic spontaneous urticaria or CSU, there is a different treatment option.

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends. Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 1 We're bad friends. I went to fucking Houston, and he was an MC.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he doesn't even introduce himself to me. He just goes, he's a Mexican guy, and he goes, hey, bro.

Speaker 1 I go, yeah. He goes,

Speaker 1 I'm the number one comic in Texas.

Speaker 1 That's his opening line. It's a big state.
So I go, it's pretty big. And he goes, I won, you know, funniest man in Texas, or whatever.
Oh, he won funniest man.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, yeah.
So I go, okay. And he goes, and then this is what drives me crazy when an MC says this, dude, I don't even know what I'm doing here, dude.
I'm a headliner. Oh, bro.

Speaker 1 That's what an annoying state.

Speaker 1 Or they go, I usually headline. Yeah, I do.
I don't know what I'm doing. Why are you not headlining right now when I am?

Speaker 1 So I go, okay, so then he goes up and he does a 15-minute bit about fucking old ladies as an MC. That's my, I do that.
I know, that's your closer. That's my biggest.
That's your closer.

Speaker 1 I go, Gladys, get over here. Yeah, yeah.
I'm ready to give you a gummy.

Speaker 1 And so I go,

Speaker 1 after the show, I just go, dude, you, because I had a feet at Sarah Tian or somebody featured her.

Speaker 1 Love her. Right? So, and she's pretty clean, you know? She's

Speaker 1 kind of like,

Speaker 1 she was just kind of like, I don't want to follow that. So I go,

Speaker 1 dude,

Speaker 1 hey, bro, you know, the way,

Speaker 1 you know, it's a or whatever, I go, you gotta, you can't, you gotta clean it up. Yeah.

Speaker 1 He goes, what, dude? I'm a headliner, bro.

Speaker 1 I know, I don't give a fuck. You gotta be.
So then his second show, he doubles down. Yeah, because you, yeah, exactly.
What you told him not to do, of course he's gonna do it. He doubles down.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And he does a bit about like, you know,

Speaker 1 foot fucking midgets.

Speaker 1 That's my other bit. I know that's your alternative closer.
This guy taking my kids. That's your opener.

Speaker 1 Foot fucking midgets? By the way, that is a funny concept. I don't even know the bit, but it sounds funny.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Anyway, he literally gets upstage. I look him right in the eyes.
I go, you're fired. Oh, you fired him on the spot? Yeah.
Did he try to fight you? He goes, you can't do that. I just did.
I just called

Speaker 1 Raymond. You're gone.
I just called, and I can go even higher. Yeah.
You're done, dude. Bye.
Bye.

Speaker 1 Can I say something? What? Two things. One,

Speaker 1 happy Fourth of July. I hope everyone had a great Fourth of July weekend.

Speaker 1 I hope everyone partied Bobby, set off fireworks. Hey!

Speaker 1 And Bobby lied to me. Bobby said that he was in Joshua Tree and it caused a panic.
I said, hey, dude, we're recording today. Well,

Speaker 1 you want to be honest?

Speaker 1 I called you and I said, hey, dude.

Speaker 1 I rented an Airbnb in Joshua Tree and I completely forgot about it. And then you go, you're fucking kidding, right? You're fucking kidding.
I go, no, dude.

Speaker 1 And then you go, no,

Speaker 1 3.30, you got to be here. And I go,

Speaker 1 I'm not going to make it.

Speaker 1 And then

Speaker 1 you got boily. Be real, what you did.
You're not being honest about what you did.

Speaker 1 I'm a good tell if someone is bullshitting me.

Speaker 1 You are not that good of an actor. And you sold it.
Better than I've ever heard you sell anything. Why? Because was it in the disaster artist?

Speaker 1 Is that why

Speaker 1 is that why is that why watch the new game show with rob gunkrowski and robbie recap don't make fun of my projects i won't make fun of your projects you just made fun of my acting skills it's you're not that good of an actor so what i'm saying is

Speaker 1 no but listen listen yeah you got emotional on the phone and it you suck i suck i bought into it i know you did you said you go the whole the whole family's up here and and jewels and and the animals and and then i got worried i go fuck they did maybe he took the whole family and they needed to go so you succored me with emotion.

Speaker 1 I know. I was not believing it until you got emotional.
That's called acting. That's not good acting?

Speaker 1 You got suckered into it. But I couldn't see you.
I could only hear you. It doesn't matter.
That's how good I am. You're a good voice actor.
You're a good voice actor. You'd be a great voice actor.

Speaker 1 In fact, there's new slots opening up in Hollywood that white people took of non-white roles. Bro, I'm on a, first of all, number one, you fucking cocksucker.
That's a show?

Speaker 1 Number one, you fucking cocksucker? I'm on a Netflix show coming out that I'm a regular on. What's it called? It's called Inside Job.

Speaker 1 with my dirty jobs the spin-off with micro no no what is it about it's a bunch of scientists that work for um the government but we're like a anyway i don't want to get into it because it's not out yet because you don't know what it is i do know what it is and number two um i'm in a sony um movie called um wish dragon with jackie chan me john cho and I'm one of like the leads.

Speaker 1 It's a voiceover movie coming out. Well, you are.
And I've also done, you know what I mean? I was on The Awesomes, which was a fucking Hulu. So, fuck you, dude.
I said you're a good voice actor.

Speaker 1 I can do everything. No, you can't do everything.
You can't dance. You're not a triple threat.
You can't sing or dance. You can act, but you can't sing or dance.
Period. People like the

Speaker 1 Daddy Why You Die song. It was because of me.

Speaker 1 So you lied to me about going to Airbnb, and

Speaker 1 I almost wanted to text Kalila to be like, is this fucking real?

Speaker 1 Because you got me that much that I was like, fuck, man, are you guys really going to the fucking desert? Yeah, and I don't know.

Speaker 1 You are a great actor. Fuck you.
No, no, you actually. I don't give a fuck.
I don't believe you. I'll never believe you now.
I'll never believe you.

Speaker 1 And also, I'm doing you a fucking favor by being here right now.

Speaker 1 Okay. So you're doing me a favor because we came in on an off day.
Yeah. Oh, thank you so much, Bobby.
Yeah. You're so sweet.
I'm sorry to interrupt your

Speaker 1 jerk-off video game sleep troll schedule. Yeah, you booger.
That's a booger. You're a booger.
Why? Because I'm yellow and slimy?

Speaker 1 What are you?

Speaker 1 You're a fucking this is my month. You're a good guy.
Thank you. This is my month.

Speaker 1 This is my month. This was my celebratory weekend.
This is the fourth. This is the independence of the United States of America, pal.
You know, do you even know what the 4th of July is?

Speaker 1 I do know what the French is. What's it about? It's about when Magellan came here and the Nosotros de Fofranco, the boat.
No. Yes, let me finish.

Speaker 1 They came here from the Nosotro de Fern de Franco boat, right? And they hit Plymouth Rock. They didn't hit it.
Let me finish. Right? Yeah.
And then the Sousa Marie boat, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 With the other guy, Colombo. Yes.
Right? They did. And they came here, dude, and they fucking gave the Indians the blankets.
Yeah, keep them warm. Right.
And then Washington D came. Yep.
Right.

Speaker 1 Washington D came, dude. Yeah.
He became our first president, dude. That's it.
And they signed a proclamation of independence, dude. They signed a proclamation of independence.
Right.

Speaker 1 And that's what what happened. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 Rule over Chris D from fucking hyena. Do you know

Speaker 1 do you know what 4th of July is? What it means?

Speaker 1 I just know that

Speaker 1 the colonies were fighting the British parliament, and then they won.

Speaker 1 Knows more than you, literally knows more than you. Yeah.
Not born here knows more than you. Literally knows more than you.
I honestly believe you don't really know what it's about. I don't.

Speaker 1 Why do we set up fireworks? Do you know why we set up fireworks? I have no idea. I have no idea.
And you know what

Speaker 1 you're doing right now? And this is in your nature. I'm trying to revoke your green card.

Speaker 1 I'm trying to get you out of this country, pal.

Speaker 1 Why don't you go back to where you came from? That you like to put people in shame. No, not you.

Speaker 1 You like to cause trauma. I want Rudy to outshine you because of how mean you are to her sometimes.
I want her to clap back at you a little bit. I'm so good to her at home.

Speaker 1 Am I not good to you at home? I'm so good to her at home. Wait, can I show something of Rudy? I got sent this.
This is so fun. Look at

Speaker 1 this. Who is that? Bobby, who is that? Do you know who that is? Well, that guy shows up every once in a while in my house.
I think he's either the gardener or something. Who is this guy?

Speaker 1 He sometimes ends up in the, I sometimes see him in the garage. So, this is a member.
This is the newest member of the Lee household. Yes.

Speaker 1 People at home.

Speaker 1 Ramon. This is Ramon.
We want you to meet Ramon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ramon Valdez.

Speaker 1 Ramon Valdez. How old is he? He's about 18.
18 or 19. 19, yeah.
And he works with you guys. He does work.
He just mysteriously appears kind of like a sorcerer.

Speaker 1 He just pops up in your mind. But then it's weird.
I never see him and Rudy in the same room ever at the same time. Rudy, do you know Ramon? Do you know Ramon well?

Speaker 1 Have you ever met him? No. No, you've never met Ramon? Yeah.
He's a really nice kid. Apparently, he works.
Kalila was saying

Speaker 1 he's handy around the house. He fixes stuff.
He does fix stuff. He's very nice.
He's very sweet. He loves to make eggs for some reason.
He's a big egg guy. He's a big egg guy.
Yeah, why?

Speaker 1 He's a dog, which is great. But he likes his eggs soft scramble, which is really annoying.
Yeah, that's the new member, Ramon. That's Ramon.

Speaker 1 And Ramon's girlfriend, we have a picture of his girlfriend. This is his girlfriend here.
Yeah, that's yeah.

Speaker 1 That's Susie. This is Susie.
Susie Lee. This is Susie Lee.
Yeah, and she,

Speaker 1 I don't remember her. She, so I know Susie very well.
People say that she wanders around the house, right? But I don't really recall. I don't ever see her.
You don't say that she's, yeah.

Speaker 1 No, she, she, this, she's the aunt of Ramon. Oh, this is Ramon's aunt.
She's the Ramon's aunt. Can I tell you something about her? Yeah.
Very cute. She has one of those little fat faces.

Speaker 1 You know, those little cute, little fat faces. Yeah, yeah.
And she's got very nice, pudgy little cheeks. I just want to pinch her cute little cheeks.
Mind you, she's 50.

Speaker 1 She is 50. She is 50 years old.
Yeah. But she looks really good.
Very tight vagina, though.

Speaker 1 Really?

Speaker 1 Yes. Wow.
Yes. And one more family member that's added to the new Bad Friends household.

Speaker 1 This, ladies and gentlemen, is, I'll tell you. This is Sheila.
Here's Sheila. Here's Sheila.
She's friends with, she's friends with Susie. Yeah, Sheila is good bugging.

Speaker 1 Yeah, they argue a lot. Now, you can just tell by looking at this that she is a bitch.

Speaker 1 There's no doubt about it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She is an awful bitch. You know the first name that comes out of her mouth? What? I said no tomatoes.

Speaker 1 She gets so mad at customer service, she's not a nice person. Yep.

Speaker 1 For some reason,

Speaker 1 she really does have a hard time

Speaker 1 just keeping it together. And it could be this fiery red hair.
Okay, so

Speaker 1 let's be honest now. Okey-dokie.
This is a face app. Everybody knows.
This is you. This is face.

Speaker 1 And honestly, if I was single, would I fuck that girl? Would you?

Speaker 1 Be real. Yeah.
You would? I think so. Really?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Do you think she's cute? I wouldn't date her.
I wouldn't date her. No, no, no, no, no.
But if I was was in, you know, I mean,

Speaker 1 Dayton, Ohio, playing the funny bone or whatever. And I, and I should come up to the show and I'm like, hey, I really loved your performance.
You're so funny.

Speaker 1 Yeah, I'd just be like, yeah, open your mouth. And oh.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Sheila, so, okay, Sheila.
She, what do you think, Rude? Is Sheila gross?

Speaker 1 She looks intimidating. She looks intimidating.
Who's cuter? Sheila? Or Susie? Let's side by side it. Who's cuter? I like Susie.
You like Susie? You like Susie. That's because you're racist.

Speaker 1 Let me ask you something. Yeah.
If you were single,

Speaker 1 would you hook up with Susie? If I was single, okay, let me be honest.

Speaker 1 Susie looks like,

Speaker 1 okay, her face, this is not about you.

Speaker 1 She looks like she drinks and smokes a little bit too much. She looks like she's been, she's weathered a few storms.
And I bet you she'd have a fun couple of late night clubs to go to.

Speaker 1 So yeah, I might take Susie out. Am I going to call her again? No chance.
No, no, no. No.
The same with Sheila. Susie looks like you.
These are one-night standers.

Speaker 1 As a woman, these are one-night stand women. You know that old racist term that Vietnam vets say? $2.

Speaker 1 I know what? Fucky, fucky. Yeah.
$2 fucky fucky? $2 fucky fucky. This is $1.30.

Speaker 1 She's $1.30 fucky-fucky. How much am I? I mean, I'm sorry, how much is Sheila? Sheila is...

Speaker 1 Sheila looks like a fucking $80 Vegas girl. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Wow, that makes me feel good. Yeah.
I'm $1.30 fucking fucking. But you know what's funny?

Speaker 1 When the makeup comes off for both of these girls,

Speaker 1 I know. Bro.
Right. Yeah, not good looking.
And Ramon, by the way, Ramon, let's be real. Yeah.
Is sexy as shit. Ramon knows jiu-jitsu, it looks like.

Speaker 1 Krav Maga. Yeah.
A big Krav Maga guy. Krav Maga.
Dude, he is actually super good looking. I'm not kidding.

Speaker 1 He is, but yeah. I've shown this to a few friends that listened to the show.
Yeah. And they didn't know who it was.

Speaker 1 It's so, yeah, it was really. It doesn't look like you.
It really looks like you. Rudy, it doesn't look like you.
It's so strange.

Speaker 1 When we did the face app, we all collapsed on the ground and we laughed hysterically. It's well, because it's so good.
And then you saw, and then here's Kalila sent me hers. I have hers in here.

Speaker 1 Where is it? Yeah. No, I have, oh my God, I have to save it to you.
Where's Kenny? Where is Kenny? I have to find it. Do you have it? I have to find it.
I have Kenny. I have it.
But you know what?

Speaker 1 The funny thing is about the face app is I didn't. I have a couple of versions of Kenny.
Oh, you do? Y'all.

Speaker 1 That looks like a dude I used to party with. Yeah.

Speaker 1 We'll celebrate.

Speaker 1 Just post the one I just sent you. Uh-huh.

Speaker 1 This is a different.

Speaker 1 This is a different version of Kenny. So this is version of.

Speaker 1 No facial hair, Kenny. This is Kenny.
Yeah, this is serial killer.

Speaker 1 Serial killer. Oh,

Speaker 1 my.

Speaker 1 So why is this one look so different? That's what's so unique about the app. Yeah, yeah.
Is that

Speaker 1 this Kenny

Speaker 1 doesn't look anything like this, Kenny?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so. I know this guy.
This guy, I know this guy. I know Lev Kenny.
Yeah, Lev Kenny?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah,

Speaker 1 he only goes to Tony Hinchcliffe shows.

Speaker 1 Yeah. The right.
The left looks like he goes to that Tom Seguro show. This guy on the left seems like he, the guy with the beard seems like he's just trying to be a bro a little bit too much.

Speaker 1 But the guy on the right, he's a huge Brian Redband fan.

Speaker 1 He stands outside of the comedy store and smokes cigarettes. I know.
And he waits to say one thing to you as you go goodbye, and he's been practicing over and over.

Speaker 1 But the only thing that comes out, he's like, Carlos Bissa. Yeah, I know.
You're like, Are you okay? You get those a lot. Yeah,

Speaker 1 you get a lot of those. They get so fucking drunk.
I know. By the way, that's sad news.
The store opened and now they're closed again. I know.
Because, you know, the bars are officially closed again.

Speaker 1 The worst is when you get off stage and somebody goes, good set.

Speaker 1 Right? Thanks.

Speaker 1 But you hadn't gone up yet. Ah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, they just mean they like your stuff from the war. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 1 I've heard guys,

Speaker 1 there's a lot of hanger-ons at the comedy store. Sure.
And they say shit just that really just irritates me that's why i love what sebastian monascalco does he just leaves

Speaker 1 he doesn't even we don't even know he's there yeah he ghosts his way in you know he has a separate entrance you know that right i know i love that i know what that i know what his route is yeah he doesn't have to even see anybody he uh but that's because he wants to go home to his family too he has he has young children i think he just wants to not

Speaker 1 uh get into a conversation where someone goes dude

Speaker 1 And he just doesn't have to, he gets to avoid all that shit. Yeah.
I went to a bar last night. Which one? Went to the the comedy store no no no i wanted to go to the comedy store

Speaker 1 i want i want to go and support and now you can't go anymore but i really did it really made me like heartbroken that they opened that bar for the patio and you're like oh god we can't even go in there no i went to just like a neighborhood bar just to have a drink to get out of the house did you wear a mask no yes dude you have to you're you can't even walk inside and then how did you drink you take the mask down you just pour it on your face no no no how do you do it you you lift it and you drink and you put a mask on so what you do is i wish i would have known that when you go to the bar, you have to put a mask on.

Speaker 1 You order, and then when you go outside to the patio to like a beer garden where tables are placed in the middle of the city. Well, they have to ask you for your ID so that you have to take your gun.

Speaker 1 You had to ask my ID. Look at my fucking face.
It looks like I'm a fan of my family. Oh, from my ears.
Yeah, yeah. You look like Charleston Heston.
I'm old. Charleston Heston? Yeah.

Speaker 1 You look like a Charleston Chew.

Speaker 1 You look like a used candy bar that someone chewed up and then spit out. That's fucking rude.
Charleston Heston is a very, very good actor, a very handsome man.

Speaker 1 He's dead and he, and he's, well, the image that we have of him is not that he was handsome. You see, like, you're thinking about old Charleston Heston.
That's why you made the joke.

Speaker 1 No, I meant the attitude of, like,

Speaker 1 take the gun from my hands of my own dead body. What do you mean? From my cold, dead hands.
Yeah, that's what he said. That's where you'll get this gun.

Speaker 1 So.

Speaker 1 Well, I am like Charleston Hesson.

Speaker 1 I'm a proud, multiple gun owner. And when I say I own guns, I own machine guns.

Speaker 1 Handguns are for bitches.

Speaker 1 I own the big ones. Yeah.
Yeah, come over. I fucking own.
Come over and say the wrong thing. Bazookas.
Wouldn't you love to have a bazooka, by the way?

Speaker 1 That's the problem.

Speaker 1 RPG. Oh.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 What would you shoot? I would shoot,

Speaker 1 just off the top of my head, crows. Crows?

Speaker 1 Negative out of just resentment. No, I would probably shoot.

Speaker 1 Like, if you could go to the top of the Hollywood sign and you could shoot it at something, where would you shoot? I would aim it at

Speaker 1 probably toward Brentwood. Why?

Speaker 1 I know I'll hit somebody I don't like.

Speaker 1 Well, it might hit a Bel Air on the way over. So that's probably one of the people there that will help you too.

Speaker 1 So what you were going to say, you went to the bar and then what? No, I went to the bar. I had a couple of drinks.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Did you go with

Speaker 1 your wife? No, I went with

Speaker 1 Sheila.

Speaker 1 What was Sheila?

Speaker 1 So you and Sheila went out? Me and Sheila went out. And two fiery redheads don't enter a bar without making a scene.
Did you

Speaker 1 run into anybody you knew?

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 Yes.

Speaker 1 That's what I'm trying to say. No, someone you don't know.
Someone that actually cuts up clips

Speaker 1 that works at a company that we've both worked with before. Off-air, I'll tell you, that cuts up stand-up clips.
It was so crazy. I ran into him and his wife, and we said hi, and it was so funny.

Speaker 1 It was like, you can't really,

Speaker 1 you know, it's like you can't, like, you can't hug them, you can't say hello, you can't really talk about much.

Speaker 1 You just be like, hey, and then, you know, you kind of have a little bit of conversation, but you're afraid of like, I don't want,

Speaker 1 I don't know. It's weird.
It was, it was weird. It was not even enjoyable.
That's what the bummer was.

Speaker 1 Like, we had a a little bit of fun, but the whole time in your head, you're like, should I not be here? Is this am I, is this stupid? I mean, it's open and I'm nowhere near anybody.

Speaker 1 We're sitting out, you know, you're like outside having a beer by yourself.

Speaker 1 You know, this whole thing, I just, I don't know where to stand with it. It's like, it's either,

Speaker 1 you know, you have those, it's because it's so politicized that you have those that say, I'll never wear a mask. It's against my, you know, constitutional rights to be free or whatever.

Speaker 1 And then you have ones that are super paranoid like we are, you know.

Speaker 1 We is in you guys. Yeah, like my girlfriend.
I'm not super paranoid, but it is a thing that's in my head. It's in my head.
But, you know,

Speaker 1 it's not going to go away until we get a fucking vaccination.

Speaker 1 Rudy, are you scared?

Speaker 1 She's one of the most scared people ever. I'm just careful.
That's so smart. What a smart phrase.
You're not just careful. You're scared.

Speaker 1 And she just said she's not scared. Because she won't even let me go get...

Speaker 1 Let me sit some. If I, when we go back right now.

Speaker 1 But that's because Kalila has told her not to let you wander I can't go to a Starbucks here's why though you're a little I said it before you're a wild card you wander you may end up somewhere that you don't belong I just got a test I just got a test back COVID test did I not it came negative I know and I've been doing my own shit I know but but she know Kalila knows that if Rudy lets you get away with whatever that you're gonna you'll wander you know what if you start talking to a squirrel am I like a Ronin or a fucking hobo Yeah, you are.

Speaker 1 I'm not sure. You're like a little hobo.

Speaker 1 What do you mean, wander? A little hobo bobo with your little satchel. You might walk on the side.
I'm going to go there. I'm not.
No,

Speaker 1 I have specific goals in mind when I go out.

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Speaker 1 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 1 I go, I want to get Panda Express, or I want to go to Trader Joe's and get, you know, I mean, my items. But I don't wander, like, I don't go,

Speaker 1 I want to go to Trader Joe's, Sephora. Yeah, but you love Sephora.
Why not? I know, but I love Sephora, but I wouldn't go, you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 I want to buy a hammer, right? No, I go to fucking Trader Joe's. I know.
Trust me, I know. Yeah, so, you know, all I want to tell these ladies in the house is that I want to go here.
Just let them go.

Speaker 1 But they won't let let me go because they're scared. Right.

Speaker 1 Okay, isn't that fine though? You occupy. Then you should move out.
You want to move in with me? No. Do you want to live in my house? No.
Look at me. You want to live with me?

Speaker 1 You can come live with me.

Speaker 1 I already told you before that I just find the energy of your house to be a little stale for me.

Speaker 1 And it's restrictive. Is it because there's not crow shit all over the front of my house? Do you want me to have crow shit and 90 animals running around? Why do you get defensive?

Speaker 1 Because you make fun of of me and I'm not sure what I'm doing. I'm making fun of you.
My house is stale energy. Ness tail energy.
I'm just trying to get...

Speaker 1 You know, I don't know much about words, right?

Speaker 1 So I make things up and I try to get to the... So let me just get to what I'm trying to get to.
Here's what my house feels like to you. It feels clean and organized.
No, it seems sterile, office-like.

Speaker 1 It is an office. It functions as my home office as well.
Well, even in the living room, it's like the walls are gray or everything.

Speaker 1 First of all, it's blue. So you're not good with color.
Are you colorblind? See, you're attacking me again. You're attacking my house.

Speaker 1 It's a beautiful house. Then end it there.
No. There's candles around.

Speaker 1 Is that bad? Is candles bad? Candles are fucking. Everybody likes candles.

Speaker 1 Let me just get to the point. Did it smell good when you walked in? Delicious.
Yeah, so fucking, come on. But then I went to the table and there's like not a mark on it.

Speaker 1 Yeah, my table's in good condition. Yeah, no, but there's not even a mark.
There's not even like a stain or a thing. It's like all the chairs are pushed in

Speaker 1 You know I mean all the placemats are perfect. It's like the fucking a showroom in Ikea.
Is this a twilight zone? It's not a twilight zone.

Speaker 1 It's there's something weird whenever I go to a place and things are perfect and things are in place Yeah, something bad's about to go down and what happened we ordered steak and we had a nice night and then you left saying this luckily

Speaker 1 I went it came fucking

Speaker 1 Well, it came away from it with no consequences. It's because the dungeon master was out of town.
But if he was in town, you would have been in the garage in a hard time.

Speaker 1 There's something weird going on in the house. So, no, I don't want to live there.

Speaker 1 That's so mean. You're not being mean.
And you know what? Well, you know why my stuff is all nice? Why? Because unlike you, unlike you, my mommy and daddy didn't let me get away with everything.

Speaker 1 If we fucked up something, we would have gotten in trouble for it. You got to run amok and fuck up shit.
Bobby, don't do that. And you got to do it.
And then they're like, Bobby, and that's it.

Speaker 1 I couldn't get away with fucking up shit. If I nicked the table or dented up or bumped it up, then I get in trouble.

Speaker 1 You're a little run-around loose goose doing whatever you want to do, fucking up everything and ruining stuff. Yeah, interesting.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 You have no idea the way I was raised. Mommy and daddy let you do what you're doing.
And everybody I'm like the way I am

Speaker 1 is because I lived in a fucking sweatshop.

Speaker 1 What did you make? No, it's not that it's just like every day I was either getting beat or molested or something. Yeah, but do you just hear, all right? And my house was so clean, like your house.

Speaker 1 That's why you don't like it. Let me finish.
Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 1 And everything was so restrictive and you couldn't go to certain rooms at certain times and this and that that when i left that house yeah i went the pole door opposite i immediately bought a gaming console i immediately i got i ate a pizza in my new place the apartment i first apartment i i ate half a pizza i just threw it on the ground and left it there for two weeks that's disgusting no it's not i had to i had to get it out you had to cleanse it i had to express myself and be like a real human because yours comes from trauma but my organization my organization comes from my my

Speaker 1 it comes from Stepford Wives bullshit that I like it needs cleaning conditioned, it's taught by whom the by the military,

Speaker 1 yes, sir. That's what I'm saying.
There's something about you that's very militarized. My dad had a military dad, yeah, and you're very like clean-cut.
And I,

Speaker 1 you know,

Speaker 1 get in line, you know what I mean? And this is the way it's supposed to be. Whereas I'm what they call F-R-E-E, E

Speaker 1 free. Oh, you're free.
I'm free as a bird, baby. Are you? Yeah.
You're free as a bird. So when I went to your place, I love everyone in the house.
I love your little doggy. Thank you.
Right.

Speaker 1 Almost too perfect.

Speaker 1 Well, I sit down. What dog? What dog? What kind of dog does this? An Asian guy.
Yeah. Walks.
When an Asian guy walks into any house, the dog should be a little suspicious. But we've trained her well.

Speaker 1 No. She's also black.
He's dumb. She's black.
She is black. She's black.
She's an East LA dog. Pantera.
That's her name. So an Asian guy walks into a house.
This dog's never seen this Asian guy.

Speaker 1 The Asian guy sits on the couch. What does this mysterious dog do? What does she do? She sits right next to me, looks at me with googly eyes, sticks his tongue out, and goes, pet me.
Yeah. Right?

Speaker 1 And I want to look down and it's like, I'm the...

Speaker 1 You're lucky that this is the type that came in.

Speaker 1 Because, you know what I mean? Chong Chong Chong from fucking, you know what I mean? You're the first Asian we've let into the house. We only let in white and black people, and we don't let in Asians.

Speaker 1 You're the first one. I also knew that, too.
No, no.

Speaker 1 Actually, that's not true. Kalila's been in my house before you came to my house.
Oh, when you guys tried to rat me out.

Speaker 1 When I was relapsing on drugs, you guys tried to double team me. We didn't double-team you.

Speaker 1 First of all, when she came over for Halloween when they were on the way to another party, And we talked about you because she was worried about you. You guys were sober.
You know, it's so funny.

Speaker 1 The reason why I got sober and all this came down was because of you. I know.
Did you know that? Yeah. Have we talked about that? Not on the show.
Yeah. You're the reason why I'm sober now.

Speaker 1 That makes me smile, actually. No, it was sabotage.
It wasn't sabotage.

Speaker 1 In retrospect, it was a blessing in disguise. I was worried about you.
At the time, I fucking hated you. I was worried about you.
I was like, this guy, oh my God.

Speaker 1 And then, um. But now you know that it's a further, it was for the the better.
Everything happens for a reason, I believe, in my books. But, um,

Speaker 1 yeah, so you know, I'm sorry for making it. Thank you for the invite.

Speaker 1 Let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me, let me. It's a 20-minute dance around about you not living in the house.

Speaker 1 Let me backtrack. Let me backtrack.
Let me backtrack. You can't live in the house.
It's fine. No, I won't live in the house.
Let me backtrack. Thank you so much for the invite.
No problem.

Speaker 1 Although I find your place neatly kept and mysterious

Speaker 1 in not in the best ways.

Speaker 1 I really appreciate your hospitality.

Speaker 1 I had a very delicious meal at your

Speaker 1 table that's never been used before. It's used every day.
Just gets cleaned. It just gets cleaned.

Speaker 1 We have a Rudy in our house. Not a ding.
Not a ding.

Speaker 1 Who's dinging up tables? What are you hitting a table with? Do you put a plate down like this?

Speaker 1 Oh, no, see, yo, this is good.

Speaker 1 I want to say this. Do you ever see? Do you ever see Lord of the Rings? No, you know I've never seen one of them.
Okay, so, or Game of Thrones. Never seen one of them.

Speaker 1 Okay, so I'm going to teach you something. When Vikings, right?

Speaker 1 When Vikings... My people?

Speaker 1 Exactly. It's not your people because you don't know how to ding a table.
So when Vikings,

Speaker 1 when they go to a village and they hoard, right? Or they're victorious in a battle. Right.
Right. They always make it to some sort of hall.
Yeah, a celebration hall. A celebration hall, right?

Speaker 1 And the king stands up and we... Now hear this! We are victorious, right? Yeah.
And everyone stands up and they go clonk, clonk, clonk with their little cantinas, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And they fuck on the table. They eat fucking meat off the bone, right? The leg bone, right? And they go, oh, Vladimir, come over here, whatever their name is, right? Yeah.
Vlamkar, come over here.

Speaker 1 And then they fucking, they'll do a wrestle and they use their tables because they're full of life and they're full of expression and they're full of artistic energy.

Speaker 1 Is that what you do on your table? Yes, we do. And we're very celebratory at our table.
Okay. And you're, this is a you, right?

Speaker 1 Honey, dinner time.

Speaker 1 Just let me just. I ring the bell.
Ring. Ding, ding, ring.
Ding-a-ning-ling-ling-ling. Dinner time.
Right?

Speaker 1 And then she comes up with some sort of roast,

Speaker 1 right, with herbs in it.

Speaker 1 You guys love your herbs. Time, time, time and rosemary.
Love your herbs. Time and rosemary.
You bring it to the table, right?

Speaker 1 And you go, dark meat or white meat, honey? Ew, dark meat, ew.

Speaker 1 Right?

Speaker 1 And then, you know, know, somebody probably slices it with nice utensils, brightly puts it on the thing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And if, let me say, if a piece of meat goes onto the table, it becomes a 911 freak out Karen emergency. Yeah.
Hello, police. Yeah.
There's a piece of roast juice that dripped on my table. Right.

Speaker 1 And I bet you, money, you guys do this, right?

Speaker 1 You probably go, you know, honey, I'll do the dishes tonight.

Speaker 1 Do you do that?

Speaker 1 We do, I just, we both do it. We both share the, it's an unspoken.
Sometimes I do,

Speaker 1 I leave the shit on the table. Oh, you make, you make the way else do it? I leave the shit on the table and I don't even look at it anymore.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I just, it's like as if it's like I throw the fucking napkin down and I just

Speaker 1 push the fucking plate away from my body. Yeah.
And I'll just turn my body and I'll just leave. Yeah.
You know,

Speaker 1 and then all I hear is clink, clink, clink,

Speaker 1 and then they're cleaning it. Right.
And the whole time they're going, this fucking piece of shit. Yeah.
I'm going to kill him. I'm going to fucking kill him.
I'm a real guy. Oh, you're a real man?

Speaker 1 Yeah, I just said it. Oh, you're...
So a real man just leaves someone else to clean up their bullshit? That's what a little boy does. A little bitch boy goes, clean up after me.

Speaker 1 I'm not grown up enough to clean up.

Speaker 1 That's what a bitch boy does. Yeah.
A man cleans up. I do sometimes.
No, you fucking don't.

Speaker 1 When is the last time you clean?

Speaker 1 I never do it. Has he ever cleaned? Um, he tried last week, but then when I saw the plates, it was still dirty.

Speaker 1 You scrubbed and didn't really clean them. You just put water on them?

Speaker 1 Dog. Oh, you wonderful girl.

Speaker 1 Thank you so much for saying that.

Speaker 1 Hey,

Speaker 1 do your dogs freak out over the fireworks, for real?

Speaker 1 Yeah, they don't freak out. They just.
I bought my dog. We had to buy my dog a.

Speaker 1 Earmuffs? No, we bought her a... It's called a thunder blanket.
Do you know what that is? I think so. Thunder blanket? It kind of like

Speaker 1 hugs them so they don't have crazy anxiety because the fireworks are fucking insane how many people are lighting off fireworks in L.A. And it's every night night we go for a walk.

Speaker 1 Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. But they're saying that the government is doing this.
I read this. The conspiracies theories are doing it.
I read this government's doing it.

Speaker 1 So that is conditioned. To bang noises.
Yeah. I don't think this, that's.
Do you believe that? I do. You do? Yeah.
Because I want to look up the story because I read that same thing that,

Speaker 1 you know, this says the government is doing this to get us used to,

Speaker 1 what is it called? Not martial law. You know,

Speaker 1 like

Speaker 1 where militant force.

Speaker 1 Look at this. Large-scale firework displays into the evening, a week before the protest, still now the middle of June, and every night they're still going on.
But you know what's so crazy about this?

Speaker 1 Conspiracy theorists are fun, I guess. And they're goofy people.
Most of them turn out to be real. Flat Earth, real.

Speaker 1 I know. They proved it this year.
I know. Why? I went to the edge.

Speaker 1 You've been to the edge? I've been to the edge, dude, of the earth.

Speaker 1 What does it look like? Well, what happens is I was in the ocean

Speaker 1 and I was in my fairy boat. Oh, you know.
I own a fairy boat. Your new one.
The new one that I have, yeah, the old one's bad. You know what I mean?

Speaker 1 And Jules has been out there with me, right, Jules? Too too. Yeah, see? And the song that we sing is the Rorosh song.
Oh, Rosho, Rosho, Rosho, boat. It's my fairy boat.

Speaker 1 Yeah, that's our favorite.

Speaker 1 It's a fairy boat.

Speaker 1 So you got to.

Speaker 1 We got to the edge, and it's like Truman Show. It just drops off.

Speaker 1 No, there's a wall. Oh, shit.

Speaker 1 There's a wall. Oh, my God.
Right. And what happens is my ferry boat, right, hit the wall, and I looked at Jules.
I go, okay,

Speaker 1 back to LA.

Speaker 1 That was you found out the end. Yeah, we found the end.
You didn't want to figure out if there was a door or anything outside of it like he does in Truman Show? I don't know. That's it? Yeah.

Speaker 1 But is that true, Jules? Did you see the edge of the earth?

Speaker 1 Was it beautiful at all or no? It was plain.

Speaker 1 It was plain. Much like my house.
Just like your plain... A house.
And also,

Speaker 1 you're living in my house. I know.
But

Speaker 1 honestly, I'm so proud of her. Why? Because two times during this podcast already,

Speaker 1 she pulled the mic herself. Not only that,

Speaker 1 she agreed.

Speaker 1 Right.

Speaker 1 She normally would go, no, we didn't go on a boat.

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? But now she's getting to play along. Yeah.
Honestly, I'm about to cry right now. Don't, Bob, don't cry.
I'm so proud of her. Dude,

Speaker 1 dude, that right there is like a gun instinctual thing that she learned. From you.
Not just that learn. She just, by being on podcast, I think she learned just to add information or to agree.
Right.

Speaker 1 I never taught her the rules of improv. Right.

Speaker 1 Like twice she already did that. Yeah.
Yeah. You're getting, you're getting

Speaker 1 good. Judy's going to have her own podcast that's going to supersede this one.
Are you getting more famous online now, by the way? She has like 14,000 followers. Really? Yeah.
On her Instagram.

Speaker 1 Isn't that funny that that's more than like certain people that we know? I know.

Speaker 1 Like comics. Who are like trying to do it? Real big comics.
Yeah, who are trying to do it for a living. I know.
And she doesn't care. She posted one photo.
Of the dogs. No, she put it.

Speaker 1 There's a photo of the dogs. No, I'm going to show you this photo.
No, she did. No, just

Speaker 1 shut up. Just give me a second, okay.
Should we bring it up? Bring it up here. Wait a minute.
Oh, oh, oh, oh. Go to bad, Rudy.
Go to bad.

Speaker 1 And then I'll show you the photo that she put up. The one before this one.
This one?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Look at this. Ooh, la la.

Speaker 1 Don't blush.

Speaker 1 Oh, my gosh. Look at this one.
And so Rudy posted this, and this is called,

Speaker 1 Hey, It's Me, It's Rudy, Pay Attention to Me. That's what the title of this is.

Speaker 1 Hey, it's Me, It's Rudy, Pay Attention to Me. Rudy, Rudy.

Speaker 1 Rudy.

Speaker 1 What are you trying to say here, young lady? What are you trying to say there? What are you trying to say here, young lady? It goes from no posts

Speaker 1 to like, you know, look at me, I'm a peacock. Look at me.
I'm a peacock. For people that can't see, if you're listening, Rudy is trying to do one of those LA model girls faces.

Speaker 1 And the face looks like you're either you saw something in the distance and you're scared, or you're almost about to fart. That's just pre-fart.
No, no, no. She looks emotional there.
Look. Yeah.

Speaker 1 The sunset is so beautiful. The sunset is so beautiful that I'm about to on the verge of crime.

Speaker 1 Look at that. So beautiful sunset, virgin prime.
I'm the Virgin Prime. Or she's thinking, you know what I mean? Is that Harry Styles coming towards me?

Speaker 1 She loves Harry Styles. So Rudy, tell us the, what is the, what's the, what's the vibe behind this? What was the reasoning of all this?

Speaker 1 Atikalila helped me with a thirst trap.

Speaker 1 Yeah. Yes.
So this is, so she said, you said, did you say I want to do a thirst trap for the internet? No, Ati Kalila. She did.
She gave me an idea. Bad influence.

Speaker 1 Bad influence. Why? I'm not going to say his name.

Speaker 1 Did we talk about it last week? I don't know.

Speaker 1 About the guy in school? No.

Speaker 1 There's a boy that you like?

Speaker 1 Yeah. Oh, boy.
Okay, so.

Speaker 1 And I know who... I had his Instagram and whatnot.
Okay, we're not going to say his name. You've checked him out.
Oh, yeah. Okay.
Is he cute? Is he cute?

Speaker 1 You know, he looks like a young, weird Al Yankovic.

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah, yeah.
Curly hair. Curly hair, but also just you can tell that he's a funny guy.
He looks like a young Jewish guy. He does a bit in his Instagram where he goes, he just runs into a locker.

Speaker 1 He like jumps into a locker and falls on the ground. Yeah.
You know, and so. It's funny.
Is he funny? To me, it was funny. He's cute.
Yeah. And you really like this.
Well, what happened was Rudy.

Speaker 1 I don't want to embarrass her, but

Speaker 1 we're already there.

Speaker 1 She started following him, and he never followed her back.

Speaker 1 Son of a bitch. Son of a bitch.
Who the fuck does this? He wants to be an actor. And he doesn't follow you?

Speaker 1 He's an actor. And doesn't follow Rudy.
And he wants to pursue, right? And he doesn't realize that Rudy here is more famous than him. He is more famous than him.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, which is insane to me. You still like him now?

Speaker 1 So I go to the girls, I go, that's it, I'm following him. And I'm going to send him a direct message.
Follow my fucking niece back.

Speaker 1 No, but they're like, don't do it. Yeah, that's embarrassing.
It's embarrassing. It's embarrassing.
It's embarrassing. But also,

Speaker 1 I kind of want you to do it.

Speaker 1 I want to do it too. I want to do it too.
But do do you, do you, have you had run-ins with him over the summer now? When school is done, have you talked? No, but we talked once.

Speaker 1 Tell him how the tell him the

Speaker 1 tell me. Yeah, and I'm so disappointed in her reactions.
What happened?

Speaker 1 We were in class, U.S. history, and then he said something about

Speaker 1 what are you doing for the project?

Speaker 1 And then I started coughing. And then I couldn't talk.

Speaker 1 You got nervous? Did you get so nervous that you started coughing? Yeah. So let me, yeah.

Speaker 1 So, um, Jules, what are you doing for the class?

Speaker 1 That's what you did. You just got tightened up and then did you say anything? Or no, that's it? Um, I forgot.
She blacked out. She blacked it out?

Speaker 1 She fucking went into a black hole, yeah, in her mind. Do you think now he thinks you're a weirdo? No, that you said that he laughed when you did that.
Oh, okay. He thought it was cute.
So he gets it.

Speaker 1 Yeah. She probably blushed, coughed, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah, and then blacked out. And he went, oh, weird.

Speaker 1 Filipinos are weird.

Speaker 1 You guys are weird.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 But what I wanted to tell her is that. Chinese girls are weird.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. I want to know his name so bad.
I'm not going to say his name.

Speaker 1 No, I know. I mean, what I would love to do is just to be listen, okay?

Speaker 1 What I would love to do is get in contact with him.

Speaker 1 him i wish we could call him on the show i know me too i wish we could do that because you're not he's he graduated already right yeah so you're never gonna see him again oh he's going to college yeah he's going to college right you're never going to see him again what school is he going to do you know no you're never going to you're not going to and and it's also i'm going to be honest with you i know for a fact

Speaker 1 right that one day that you're going to meet somebody so much better much more better than that guy yeah right but i also want to be mindful and know that she is a teenager and teenagers get crushes.

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Speaker 1 Not available in all states.

Speaker 1 I had many crushes in school.

Speaker 1 Do you remember your first crush?

Speaker 1 I had so many of them. But the one that stood out the most.
God.

Speaker 1 I can give you the first time I realized that I liked girls.

Speaker 1 Like, you know, the moment as a young boy when, like, you know, there's always this joke is like, young, you, super young boys are like, yeah, we want to go kiss a girl. It's like, shut up, dude.

Speaker 1 Fucking.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And at one point, I was with my dad and we were picking up my cousin from her birthday party at Chuck E.
Cheese

Speaker 1 and I we walked in and I was waiting for my dad to get my cousin and my aunt and I look over and dude I it's as vivid today as it's ever been it was probably she was probably I was probably you know whatever 10 or 11 or whatever yeah she was a Mexican girl She had to be 16, 17.

Speaker 1 She was a high school girl, I could tell. And I was this young little nerd and she was...
What do you think about her at nights? Yes, dude.

Speaker 1 She was with her little sister, who was probably around my age. Yeah.
Right.

Speaker 1 And I look over and I saw this tall girl. She was really tall and had this like beautiful dark skin.
And she looked down at me and she smiled.

Speaker 1 And I swear to God, my brain was like, I like those things.

Speaker 1 I don't know what it was.

Speaker 1 I do. I like it.
It just, whatever it was, it clicked. Yeah, yeah.
And it just became this, like, so dark, dark, you know, that like dark skin, dark hair. Yeah.
She was so pretty.

Speaker 1 And her smile looked down at me. And, you know, when I was a kid, I probably thought she was 40, but she probably was 16.

Speaker 1 And I was, because because i was 10 you know when you see older kids you're like yeah what are you 48 you know and they're like i'm 20 and you're like oh what what do you what do you own a bank you know you have no but that was my first moment of of like didn't have a crush on her but i realized i was like oh man i like those things you miss i there's parts of me that misses that young love when you when you like when you oh yeah when you get a crush so hard that it just it consumes your mind yeah 24 hours a day well and you get nervous all the time to talk to him i remember like um the first

Speaker 1 I got set up on a date with this girl. Our friends were like, you guys need to, you guys need to be a couple.
You need to be a couple in junior high.

Speaker 1 I can't say her name. She was the first black girl I've ever dated.
And she was the last because they hit too hard. But she was,

Speaker 1 but our friend set us up. Our mutual friend set us up.

Speaker 1 And then they would call me together. And it made me so nervous to talk to her with our other friend listening.
Yeah. Because I knew the whole time you're like, don't sound stupid.
Don't sound stupid.

Speaker 1 Don't sound stupid. And you're trying to be cute.
Like, you remember being on the phone with somebody until like 2, 3 in the morning, 4, 4, 5 in the morning? No, no, either.

Speaker 1 You just stay on the phone all night until you fell asleep. You don't do that.
You guys don't do that stuff, do you? No, because they have text and fucking Instagram and shit.

Speaker 1 Because for me, when I was 23, I was still...

Speaker 1 had that high school thing because I never got girls, right? Yeah. So then I remember one time I met this girl and then I opened for Carlos Mencia in San Antonio.

Speaker 1 And I remember him yelling at me because I used the condo's phone from after the show till nine in the morning.

Speaker 1 And the condo was next to his because he could hear me. The whole night.
And the whole night, I'm just like, yeah, so what are you eating?

Speaker 1 You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Oh, I love those.
Yeah. Avocado.
Young love. Right.
It's young love. One time, I'm going to tell you this story.
This is so sad. So I was a waiter at this restaurant.

Speaker 1 Which one? It's called the Brockton Villa. Ooh, in San Diego?

Speaker 1 In La jolla that's very nice i know what i know what that is it's on the cove yeah and um i worked for years and there was this girl that i had the biggest crush on in fact i hung out with her every day for about a year

Speaker 1 in fact as a friend well i did she know no she didn't know oh bow but i had this big crush on her in fact I would go to this coffee shop on my off days because at one time I saw her there just and would stay there all day just so in case.

Speaker 1 And then if I did, she never came in there again. Right.
But just in case, if I did run into her, I'd be like, oh, what are you doing here? Oh, do you like coffee?

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. So one night, and this is a year, every day I would either call her or hang out with her.
I would ask for shifts that she was working, because she was, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 So one day, I go, she was supposed to hang out with me, and I go, um,

Speaker 1 what are you doing? And she goes,

Speaker 1 I know we were supposed to hang out, but I'm sick. Oh, no, you're not.

Speaker 1 I go, oh, you're sick? Okay, cool.

Speaker 1 So then

Speaker 1 my other friend goes, there's this party. So I go to the party.
And then some girl came up to me. She goes, oh, are you here with so-and-so? She's here.

Speaker 1 Right? I go, she is? No. She had lied.
Oh, no. And she's with someone else? Yes.

Speaker 1 And I'm looking all over the party for her.

Speaker 1 It gets worse.

Speaker 1 So then I hear, she's in this bedroom upstairs. Yeah, I'm not kidding you.
And then you and Sigilly, you're like, she must be taking a nap at the party. Yeah, yeah.
She might be tired. So I walked in.

Speaker 1 Why would you do that?

Speaker 1 And she's hooking up with this guy. Yeah, obviously.
So I close the door. Do you say anything? No.
You just walk in and go. She saw me, though.
Yeah. She goes, what are you doing?

Speaker 1 And you go,

Speaker 1 nothing close to the door. It's a really nice bathroom.
These are a good door. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 Right. And I remember going out in back of the party, and I punched a tree 50 times.

Speaker 1 Because you were just so angry and so hurt. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And she ended up marrying that guy. Oh, well, then it's worth it.
They have kids. Oh, that's worth it then.
Yeah. Did they name, they should have named one of their kids Lee.
No, but I remember.

Speaker 1 That hurts a lot. I remember still,

Speaker 1 even after Matt TV,

Speaker 1 because they moved to San Francisco, and

Speaker 1 she lives like an outside, an hour outside of San Francisco I remember playing the room there and then she would always drive you know I mean with her husband no by herself huh to come have lunch with me that's really sweet sweet that's really nice yeah so it started off bad but it ended really nice I

Speaker 1 it was because that event happened right before I did stand-up yeah and I believe that that event drove me into doing stand-up. Really? Yeah.
There was a couple things. I was kicked out of a band.

Speaker 1 Yeah. collapsed and superb.
We've seen

Speaker 1 you relaxed and superb. And then that had happened.
And then also, I had no money and had no future. I remember sitting, looking at my bank account, it said like 76 cents.

Speaker 1 And I remember just going,

Speaker 1 I got to call my parents for rent. I have no money.

Speaker 1 And then I remember going, I have to do something drastic. Or this is the life I'm going to live.
Yeah. Just struggling.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 And so without, and then I'm never going to meet anybody. Oh, God, all those feelings of love.
With all those feelings of doom. I was 22 years old.
And you were scared. I was scared.

Speaker 1 And then at 23, I walked by the comedy store in La Jolla. What's her name? The first name.
Anna. Anna.
Thank you, Anna. Thank you, Anna.
And I walked by the comedy store

Speaker 1 and the help wanted son, and

Speaker 1 I knocked on the door. That's incredible.
That's how it worked for you.

Speaker 1 I'll tell you an embarrassing story that doesn't end so sweet. Tell me.
My first year in college,

Speaker 1 a girl two doors down who who i became friends with we all became friends later but i had such a crush on her i thought she was so cool she was so cool dude and she was pretty and she was nice and she was athletic first name

Speaker 1 i give you mine carrie okay

Speaker 1 it's just she was so cool yeah yeah and i was nervous i know and i stupidly stupidly yeah wrote a note one night and slid it under stop laughing rudy

Speaker 1 i wrote a note. I know it's so lame.
I wrote a note and I slid it under her dorm door. Okay.
Did it have a question? Yes or no? No, it's just.

Speaker 1 No, it basically was like, I just want to let you know, you know, I think you're so cool and I'd love to hang out sometime. And I was so nervous.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 she never, ever told me that she got the note. We never, ever talked about it.
Oh, how embarrassing. Oh, no.

Speaker 1 Oh, poor Andrew. We became friends.
But did you ever walk by her? We became really close. So basically.
But after that, she actually dated another friend of ours. Right.

Speaker 1 But after that, it was like in the past at some point, we all became cool on our floor and hung out. It was real embarrassing.
Yeah, it's, you know what, that came from those.

Speaker 1 Pretend it didn't happen moments. Yeah.
Oh, I didn't get your note. Yeah.
She probably got it and goes, I have to, for me to,

Speaker 1 in order for me to move on in life,

Speaker 1 I had to either accept this as reality or pretend it didn't happen.

Speaker 1 And that's what happened.

Speaker 1 I think, first of all, she showed it to all the other girls making fun of me. She probably got,

Speaker 1 all the girls on the dorm floor.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we're like, you know what that stupid red-headed piece of shit loser said?

Speaker 1 You know what the freak said to me? He thinks I'm cute. And they're like, ew!

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah. But you know what I did to get back at some of the girls that were being mean to me on the hall floor? A friend of ours worked at Spencer's Gifts.
You know Spencer's Gifts in the mall?

Speaker 1 Yeah. And back then, they used to sell sex toys, too.
I don't even know if they do anymore. They don't.
They did, though. I know they did.

Speaker 1 And so they used to sell sex sex toys and we had a friend get us a bunch of sex toys. So we got a bunch of big rubber dildos.
We used to throw them at people on campus from the bridge. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And at night. You're a frat? Huh? You're in a frat? No.
Okay. At night, this is just me and my guy friends being idiots.

Speaker 1 But at night, one of the girls in the hall who was mean to me, who would, it would end up being friends with the girl that I liked, she was just such a dick to me for no reason. She was doing laundry.

Speaker 1 And laundry was, the doors were wide open, so you could hear the laundry through the halls.

Speaker 1 Even if at night it'd be a quiet dryer, I threw a bunch of dildos in the dryer and turned it on. Yeah, yeah.
So for five minutes until everyone woke up,

Speaker 1 yeah. And she opened it up and she's like, what the fuck is it? There was like five dildos inside of her laundry.

Speaker 1 And then we all walked out like, what's going on? Who would do that? That's nuts.

Speaker 1 Well, people, you know what guys don't realize? You know how like some people, guys, you know, like, you know, will snap. I don't get any pussy.
And they'll snap and they'll just kill them.

Speaker 1 And they'll kill a school.

Speaker 1 What these guys don't realize is we, none of us got any. Yeah, when you're

Speaker 1 that's a part of growing up is these frustrations of love loss or not being a getting a bunch of people. You don't go shoot up with school.
You don't know.

Speaker 1 You just get on the internet and feverishly masturbate hoping that your college roommate doesn't come home. Yeah.
Did you ever? I had those scares. You didn't really go to a college.

Speaker 1 So like, I never let it fuck you. Well, no, you didn't.
I didn't. But I had worries all the time of timing.
If my roommate was like going out, I knew I could masturbate.

Speaker 1 And he'd be like, hey, I'm going to go to the gym for a while. And I'm like, how long's a while?

Speaker 1 He's like, like an hour. I'm like, okay.
And like the moment he's gone, it's like.

Speaker 1 But I did, no, but I did live in my early 20s with six guys in San Diego and in a three-bedroom apartment.

Speaker 1 Oh, two guys to a room? No, people lived on the living room. It was just spread out everywhere.
Yeah, right. And we lived with a Christian.

Speaker 1 Okay. With a man, with a man of God.

Speaker 1 He was, he, he was, no, no, just a man, devout, born-again Christian. Oh, so he was a red-headed guy.
No offense. No offense taken.
And Alex.

Speaker 1 And then I remember one time coming home from work and he's crying on the couch.

Speaker 1 And I go, What's the matter? And in his hand was one of my hustler magazines. Oh, you pervert.
I know. And I go, and he gets up and he goes, How dare you lay these things around so that I can sin?

Speaker 1 And I go, These pages are all stuck together. He goes,

Speaker 1 I've been masturbating all day.

Speaker 1 Right? And he

Speaker 1 was also a guy.

Speaker 1 And he blamed me for sinning. You made him masturbate.
I just left it like right out in the open. In the bathroom or something.
Oh, that, yeah.

Speaker 1 How dare you? I can't poop without getting a boner. This piece of shit, too, would get Sunny Delight.
Love Sunny D. Sunny D is delicious.
So good. And I couldn't afford Sunny Delight.

Speaker 1 That's how poor I was. Yeah.

Speaker 1 So I would steal a Sunny Delight.

Speaker 1 And he came up to to me,

Speaker 1 excuse me.

Speaker 1 I work very hard and

Speaker 1 I've been saving my money to get the Sunny Delight. And I go, yeah.
He goes, and I would have really appreciated that if you not drink out of my Sunny Delight.

Speaker 1 And for me to now figure out, and I have a system now. See this line? So he would take a black marker.
And mark every time he had a drink. He would drink and mark it.
Idiot. Idiot, right?

Speaker 1 Because what I would do is fill it with water. So eventually it was just water.

Speaker 1 This piece of shit. He still doesn't want to believe it too.
He's just like, the sunny delight tastes watery, but it's still my sunny delight. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I lived in a house. I had a, when I first moved out here, I lived in a two-bedroom, one bath, and it was three of us sharing one bathroom.
I lived in an old dining room, a partitioned off dining room.

Speaker 1 But my most fun too many guys house was my second year in college. We all lived together and our house was a constant revolving door of just people coming and going and partying and hanging out.

Speaker 1 And there were no rules. And people could just do whatever they wanted.
That's how kind of all of those houses were in college.

Speaker 1 And one of my buddies, this was great. We got kicked out of a party because one guy in our group was trying to get into an argument or a fight with some dude, right? Yeah.

Speaker 1 And my buddy says, everybody says, all right, let's get the fuck out of here before something crazy happens.

Speaker 1 We leave. We get in the car.
And we're all fucking, we're all shit-faced, by the way. Bad.
No drinking and driving is bad. Our driver was sober, I bet.
But he goes, fuck those guys.

Speaker 1 I go, yeah, it's fucking it sucks. We always party over there.
That sucks. And he goes, I got him good.
I was like, what did you do? And he just holds up an eight ball, a pool ball.

Speaker 1 He goes, I stole their eight ball from their pool table.

Speaker 1 I was like, why? What are we going to do? He goes, you know how hard it is to buy one single pool ball and all those fucking idiots are going to buy a whole new ball pool ball set.

Speaker 1 Really? That was his revenge.

Speaker 1 Were you laughing?

Speaker 1 No, we were like, I was like, that's cool, but

Speaker 1 I go, well, who made you think of that? And he goes, I just saw it and I was like, I'll fucking take from them. I'm going to take a pool ball from it.
That's pretty cool.

Speaker 1 They're never going to know where it went.

Speaker 1 This is the same guy. This is my old college roommate who, the same guy, he was so depressed.
He's going to listen to this. He was so depressed that he failed math for like the 17th time.

Speaker 1 And we were at a party and he was sitting with his butt on the floor and his back against the couch. And he had a handle of Jack Daniels sitting in his lap.
And I go, come on, man.

Speaker 1 You're being really weird, man. You can't do this kind of stuff at a party.
Like, people are going to be fucking freaked out that, like, this weirdo is blacked out by himself. I was like, get up.

Speaker 1 You either got to go home or you got to party with us.

Speaker 1 And he, no shit, he just goes, oh,

Speaker 1 and I go, are you going to throw up? And he goes,

Speaker 1 and he looks up in the sky and he

Speaker 1 fountain throws up. Like two, three feet in the sky.

Speaker 1 But I respect him. He held his shirt out and he caught it in his shirt.
I'm not kidding. I have witnessed it

Speaker 1 in his shirt. And he goes, take me outside.
And I have to pick him up. And he's wiping puke off of his shirt.
And I go, are you going to go home? He goes, I think it's time.

Speaker 1 I think it's time to go home. This guy was a, he was, he was a, the best guy to party with, but also

Speaker 1 like you,

Speaker 1 who knows what's going to happen. Right.
Who knows where it's going to go? I have a friend named Nathan. I swear to God, he was in the blue man group.
Shut up. I swear to God.
Like

Speaker 1 the blue man group wasn't, it's not always the same guy. I know, there's a million of them.
There's a million of them, right? Yeah. But he was an alcoholic, Nathan, right?

Speaker 1 And my friend Kalisto teletold me, and Nathan backed it up. You know my friend friend Calisto? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 Nathan was completely drunk in Vegas doing the Blue Man group, and he was a blackout drunk, right? And he vomited into his drums, but then he had to fucking fucking splattered into his Vegas.

Speaker 1 Yeah, yeah, yeah. The colors are getting out of that drum is insane.
Speaking of my friend Calisto, so my friend Callisto and I lived in Silver Lake.

Speaker 1 Every day we'd

Speaker 1 there was an El Pollo loco across the street, and we would buy a

Speaker 1 BRC burrito. What is that? Bean, rice, and cheese burrito.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And we would split it in half, and that was our meal, they're our dollar.

Speaker 1 That was all you could afford, that's all we could afford for the day, yeah. Wow, and we would have just thinking back these arguments like over the phone bill.
You know how you would get enraged?

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah, he'd just be like,

Speaker 1 We live in Silverlake

Speaker 1 who calls Santa Monica,

Speaker 1 right? What you'd be like, what? I'm not paying the 76 cents.

Speaker 1 Like those kind of arguments when you're so poor. Yeah.
Now it'd be like, oh, I don't get, you know, you don't even look at it. 76 cents.
Well, there is no phone bill anymore.

Speaker 1 I know that doesn't exist. It was before cell phones.
When you're the arguments of when you're so poor.

Speaker 1 Like the arguments when you're so broke. My first roommate, my first roommate ripped up the carpet in our house when I first moved here.
Yeah. And I came home and I said, what the fuck are you doing?

Speaker 1 He goes, there's wood floors under here, man.

Speaker 1 I was like, what the fuck? We have to pay for that shit. And he's like, I know.
We'll just tell the landlord those wood floors, man.

Speaker 1 And I was like, yeah, dude, we fucking, you ripped up the carpet, asshole. And he was just like, well, I don't know how to do it.
And I was like, I'm not paying a fucking security deposit.

Speaker 1 I get all mine back.

Speaker 1 Fuck you. I'm not paying any of that shit.
Crazy arguments when you're poor. Yeah, because you're so nervous that it's going to collapse you.

Speaker 1 I mean, I had panic attacks that they were going to come get my car. My first car that I had, that I was leasing.

Speaker 1 I was so nervous that I wasn't going to pay the bills that I thought, because I'd seen or heard of those things where they repo your car and they come just take it from you.

Speaker 1 Even if your shit's in it They're like it's ours I know so I used to have panic attacks in the middle of the night that what because I didn't pay a bill and I was like they're gonna just take my fucking car and I'll then I won't be able to get to my shitty job to make my shitty rent and then they'll kick me out of this place I used to have those tumbling thoughts every night every single night.

Speaker 1 I had emotional feelings toward objects because of the experiences. Yeah, because they meant so much.
I'm not even kidding you. I had a white.
So when I moved to LA, I had a white Toyota truck.

Speaker 1 And my friend Jonathan Gossick, who was a comic, who I started with,

Speaker 1 he asked him, there were no windows.

Speaker 1 In the truck? In the cab? They were all blown out.

Speaker 1 There are no windows. Yeah.
Ask him.

Speaker 1 So you would be in the winter driving down, you know what I mean? No winter. 405.

Speaker 1 You'd be so cold.

Speaker 1 Imagine the wind.

Speaker 1 And I remember

Speaker 1 I would park at LAX to go on the road, and I'd come back, right?

Speaker 1 And I remember one time I came back, and there was

Speaker 1 one of those locks on the wheels. Oh, oh, they booted you.

Speaker 1 I owed it money. Yeah.
And I couldn't pay it. No.

Speaker 1 I'm not kidding you. I walked up to the truck.
I put my hand on the hood.

Speaker 1 And I weeped

Speaker 1 like as if somebody had died. Because somebody did die.
Because I would never see that truck again.

Speaker 1 Did you never see it again? No. Oh, bah.
Because I had to let it go. I couldn't get it back.
So I remember going, thank you.

Speaker 1 Like, I remember saying things to it, like, thank you so much for Tijuana when we went to Tijuana. Or like all those other people.
Remember, we got in the car accident, we got away with it.

Speaker 1 When we hit that guy, we killed him, and no one knows but you and me. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 And I remember just so many experiences in that truck. Yeah, but it means so much to me.

Speaker 1 And when you're poor, it means so much to you. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Well, and you know what? What? Honestly? Yeah. That's why my table at my house doesn't have any nicks in it.

Speaker 1 You want me to bring the story around? That's exactly why. Because I had so little of anything that now

Speaker 1 I appreciate.

Speaker 1 What my story was is going through real

Speaker 1 life experiences

Speaker 1 with an object, right? I understand. You bought this bullshit thing from IKEA.
I don't die anymore. You just threw it into your house.

Speaker 1 You don't give a fuck about it. I picked that table very, very delicately.
Oh, yeah. What experiences? Oh, we had meals here.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we've had nice conversations there. When the pandy broke out, I cried over Italy.
If I went to your house, I go, how much was that?

Speaker 1 Let's just say, let's just suppose that was three grand. The dinner table? Yeah.
It wasn't $3,000. $2,000, whatever it might be.
No, what is wrong with you? $600. It was like $20,000.

Speaker 1 No, no, I don't know. I don't even remember what it was.
If I gave you the $20,000 and I took a fucking, you know,

Speaker 1 whatever it was, and I took a fucking chainsaw. Here's 20 grand, and I fucking cut and have, you would not cry.
No, if you gave me 20 grand, that's so stupid. I could buy 10 new tables.
Happy America.

Speaker 1 Happy America. America, the greatest country in the world.
Be blessed. God loves you.

Speaker 1 I'm the best.

Speaker 1 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1 Fourth of July

Speaker 1 Ooh, Fourth of July

Speaker 1 Fourth of July

Speaker 1 It's a Fourth of July

Speaker 1 Fireworks

Speaker 1 Rockworks

Speaker 1 Your neighbor Steve

Speaker 1 Ooh is the fucking worst

Speaker 1 Come on over

Speaker 1 Don't be scared.

Speaker 1 We're all down to party

Speaker 1 and fuck the British year.

Speaker 1 A fourth of July.

Speaker 1 Yeah, the Fourth of July.

Speaker 1 Ooh, it's a Fourth of July.

Speaker 1 So much booze.

Speaker 1 I black out

Speaker 1 Who showed up

Speaker 1 I begin to shout

Speaker 1 Fight with my dad

Speaker 1 Fight with my dad

Speaker 1 Fight with my dad

Speaker 1 Make up, get drunk Fight with my dad

Speaker 1 Oh it's a fourth of July

Speaker 1 Oh, it's a fourth of July

Speaker 1 A fourth of July

Speaker 1 Oh it's a fourth of July.