Bobo's Magic Calf Cream

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Speaker 1 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two, idiots?

Speaker 3 I can fucking Asian dude.

Speaker 1 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends. People in my house that I live with, they treat me like I'm a fucking ghetto son of all sons.
Could you imagine?

Speaker 2 What would you sell door-to-door if you could tour the country and sell stuff? What do you think you would sell? I will sell

Speaker 2 I would sell ointments. Oils? Just for the calves.
Like when a calves... Calve ointment.

Speaker 2 Yeah, when you know how calves sometimes get sore sore from their daily activities like hauling rocks or mining or whatever you do? Is this the karate kicks? Is this the pitch? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay, pitch me.

Speaker 2 Do you ever, I would go, hello? Hi.

Speaker 2 My name would be Robert. Hello, I'm Robert Young Lee.
That's my middle name. Hi, Robert.
Hi, I'm Robert Young Lee. And may I ask you some questions, sir? Absolutely.
I've got nothing but time.

Speaker 2 Are your calves sore?

Speaker 2 How do you know that? Yeah, because do you every day, as we go on to our daily businesses

Speaker 2 and we walk mountaintops and we climb cliffs, solo? I've been climbing a lot of clays. And then we also do reverse kung fu kicks to the suplexes to people.

Speaker 2 Yes. And do you ever also do sidesteppings when you're dancing?

Speaker 2 Yeah. You know, in the country line, when you're in the country line and you do sidesteps? Yes.
Do you ever do that? Do you ever

Speaker 2 do you ever like go when you instead of saying no you do like you know I mean you lift your leg up yeah yeah yeah of course when somebody says have you ever seen

Speaker 2 Jungle Book the movie you go no but instead of saying you put lift your leg up no

Speaker 2 yeah yeah well I have the greatest omefra for you okay what is it this is called green stuff green stuff yeah yeah and it's made from aloe and um tree bark and also if you go deep in the Amazon there's a mysterious tree called the carnivora tree.

Speaker 2 The carnivora tree? Yeah. So it eats meat? The tree eats meat? Yeah, but you...

Speaker 2 And let me tell you, my friend, we have a technology in hand.

Speaker 2 We take

Speaker 2 a machine, right? Bunsen burners.

Speaker 2 You take Bunsen burners? It's a machine based on the Bunsen burner technique. Got it.
Right, and then what we do is we slice over the artery of the base of the carnivore tree.

Speaker 2 So the tree has veins, so it has a blood running through it?

Speaker 2 And we take

Speaker 2 a technological tube in it. Oh, a tech tube.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 We call it a technological tube. Sorry, I shouldn't shorten it.
And over, yeah, thank you. But over a six-month period, right, we slowly ionize the juices from the carnivore tree.
Whoa. Right.

Speaker 2 Along with aloe and also along with angel wing dust. Where does the aloe come from? I'll tell you what the angelwing dust come from.

Speaker 2 Did you know know that some of our we have a crew of people who die? Everybody dies. No, we flatline on purpose, like in the movie Flatliners.
Yes. And what we do is we flatline for a split second.

Speaker 2 We only let them flatline for about 15 minutes because if you let them flatline more than that, they'll die. Or they'll become brain activity dead.
Brain activity dead?

Speaker 2 Right, so what we do is we flatline some of our scientist teams, right?

Speaker 2 And in that 15 minutes, they're in heaven and they hunt down angels to create the angel angel wing dust. Wow.
So we shoot down angels. So you kill angels? Yes.
We kill someone.

Speaker 2 My company. Just listen, sir.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you something, sir. I wasn't even going to stop.
I wasn't even going to stop by this house. Oh, why? I'm busy.
I have to go to the corporate center and sell my product to

Speaker 2 Bezos. Jeff Bezos? Yes.
You were selling this product to Jeff Bezos? He's selling it. He wants it.
I don't know. I haven't decided.
Well, I want it.

Speaker 2 But my point is that you're lucky to have it. So let me finish this.

Speaker 2 So for 15 minutes, my scientists, right, we flatline. Okay.

Speaker 2 And then we hunt down angels. And then we do with delicately with the same technology as we do as the carnivore technology.
The Bunsen burners? Well, yeah. And we have a clipping mechanism

Speaker 2 called Yarai. Yarai.
Y'all right clips. Oh, Yari clips.
Yeah, because they're very gentle.

Speaker 2 We don't kill the angels. Well, they're already dead anyway.
They're dead. Yeah.
Okay. But

Speaker 2 we clip their wings, right? And they're very small. Angels are small.
But people don't realize how small.

Speaker 2 People think the angels are human size. They're not.
They're the size of little fairies. Sometimes angels are the size of mosquitoes, so they're very difficult to catch.

Speaker 2 How do you delineate between an angel and a fairy? How do you know which one's which then?

Speaker 2 Well, fairies. Because I'll tell you why.
Because fairies live on middle-earth or some sections of the earth. Of course.
Right. And

Speaker 2 they're not angels. Angels are dead.

Speaker 2 They live in heaven. But are fairies dead? But when fairies die, they turn into the mosquito-size angels.
Oh. Right.
Okay. And those ones

Speaker 2 we capture as well. And

Speaker 2 clip the wings, some ears, right? But mostly wings. Mostly for the dust.
And we get the dust. Right.
With the carnivorous tree

Speaker 2 extract. Right.
And the aloe.

Speaker 2 We combine this ointment.

Speaker 2 We call green stuff. The green stuff.
I remember. Right, right, right.

Speaker 2 And you just gently inject them into your calves. Into my calves.
Yeah, you don't rub it on the surface. Okay.
We stick it in a syringe. Oh, it goes inside my...
Yes. In the muscle.
You inject it.

Speaker 2 Okay. Right.
Now, I'll tell you what. In the beginning, you won't feel well.
I'm going to be sick? No, you won't be able to walk for six months. Six months? So, one half year?

Speaker 2 One half year. One half year, I can't use my legs.
Your calves will petrify a bit.

Speaker 2 They'll turn actually. A lot of people think that they'll turn stone.

Speaker 2 petro they'll turn into stone yeah but almost like a hard uh quartz rock huh do you ever see the movie um or the tv show um chernobyl yes those little quartz rocks they find on the yeah that's my legs that's what it'll feel like there'll be radiation as well wow and people around you might get cancer Okay, but it will it make my calves feel better.

Speaker 2 But in six months, I'll tell you what, you'll run like that

Speaker 2 like that African-American runner, Carl Lewis. Carl Lewis? Yeah.
Are you a salesman from 40 years ago?

Speaker 2 Do you mean Usain Bolt? Usain Bolt. Will I run like him?

Speaker 2 Hey, sir, sir, before you go.

Speaker 2 Before you go? I have not told you the price. Oh, how much? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 $4.5, my friend. $4.50.
$4.5 million. $4.5 million?

Speaker 2 How many injections do I get? One. So

Speaker 2 one injection, and in six months, you will run like Hussein Bolt. Hussein? Or Hussein? Or Hussein? Well, you're not from where he's from, Jamaica.
I'm from Jamaica, yes.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm from the section of Jamaica where he is from. Oh, you are? Yeah.
Tatao village. And in Tatau Village, we call him Hussein because that's

Speaker 2 the common tongue.

Speaker 2 Hussein. That's right.
Like Saddam. Much like it.
Okay. Yeah, much like it.
So

Speaker 2 5.4 million?

Speaker 2 million yep 4.5 million yeah and we only receive cash or you only take cash we only take cash even during the pandey yeah can I just Venmo you well it's usually 12.5 that's the thing I forget so you're giving me a discount half off more than half off it's yeah 60 off yeah

Speaker 2 well where do I sign up green stuff here's you and you don't get it right well I need the cash up front you don't get it right away when do I get it we're still we have two scientists oh so it's not you don't have any in heaven right now catching angels.

Speaker 2 No, we have some, but we sold out Bezos. Bezos has all of it.
Bezos has one. Yeah.
Yeah, he paid 15 million, but you know. How have you turned Jeff Bezos into a Spanish guy? Bezos.

Speaker 2 Before you go, can I talk to you about something? Yeah, go ahead. You have something to sell me? Mm-hmm.
What is it? Have you ever been introduced to your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?

Speaker 2 No, what is that? I've never heard of that. You don't know who that is? No.
He's a wonderful little man. Is he little? He's very tiny.
Is he a dwarf? Smaller. Oh.
He takes away. Agme? A Pygmy Dwarf?

Speaker 2 Well, it's a new name now. It's not called Pygmy anymore because that's offensive to pigs.

Speaker 2 Oh, my bad.

Speaker 2 It's called Muskrat Dwarf. A Muskrat.
A Muskrat dwarf. Muskrat Dwarf.
Dwarf. That's right.

Speaker 2 Very tiny. I'll do that later.
You can. Yes.
He has very little sharp, pointy ears. He hears and sees everything.
He takes away all of your pain.

Speaker 2 And all you need to do today is to commit to me all of your secrets, and I'll take away all of your pain forever. Great.
So may I give you some secrets? Please. Okay, is there a.

Speaker 2 Because I've seen movies. Yeah.
Are there booths? Are there booths for the secrets? Is there a booth that I can go in where I can close a door and there's like a little curtain thing?

Speaker 2 Little do you know you're being protected right now by an invisible booth. Literally, nobody can hear you within five feet.
Yeah. Watch this.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Say, say to her, say, you suck. Just say it out loud right now.
You suck. Didn't even hear it.
She didn't hear it. Didn't hear it.
You're in a booth. You're in a private booth with me.

Speaker 2 Okay, here we go then. Tell me your secret.
All right, so in not a big deal. No, not at all.
Not a big deal. Hold on one second.
Yeah, yeah. I have to just record this on my phone.
Go ahead. In 1997.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I decided to to become a i got a job offer for being a school bus driver in in thailand okay yeah and um i signed up um i applied went to thailand and uh the bus um

Speaker 2 it looked it wasn't a yellow school bus it was uh what color are they this was a white it looked like a van

Speaker 2 like a van with no windows yes a van with no windows it's a bad school bus i would go to the yeah

Speaker 2 I would go and pick up the kids for school. Okay.
Yeah, and

Speaker 2 we would jam about 60 kids in the back of this van. 60 kids will lay them down like sardines.
On top of each other?

Speaker 2 They're crying. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It turns out it was a,

Speaker 2 unbeknownst to me, a human trafficking business.

Speaker 2 Yes. Yes.
Did you get in trouble for that?

Speaker 2 Well, once I found out it was one, I quit after that first job. Okay.
Yeah. Well, then delivered the kids.
One second. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's go! Fly again!

Speaker 2 The green stuff

Speaker 2 sale man!

Speaker 2 Hey, uh, you know what? I watched all night last night. I got a new show for you guys.
Oh my god, what is it? Alone.

Speaker 2 Oh, do you know alone on Netflix? 10 people are put out in the middle of the Arctic, in the middle of nowhere, hundreds of miles, thousands of miles north in northern Canada. Why?

Speaker 2 In the Arctic Circle. Why? They're given 100 days to survive on their own using 10 items, and if they can do it, they get a half a million dollars.
It's like Naked and Afraid, but way cool.

Speaker 2 Way cooler. Are they naked? No, they got clothes on.
That's not as cool.

Speaker 2 Why does naked and afraid have to be about naked people? Because it's because in naked and afraid. First things first, your penis gets bit.
I'm out. I'm going home.
That's it. The first mosquito.
Yep.

Speaker 2 Sucking by Good Club.

Speaker 2 Wait, let me. Is this.
Oh, so this is a reality show. It's real people.
This is real. It's a documentary.
It's a docu scene. Oh, it is.
Yeah. Oh, well, then that's cool.
It's awesome.

Speaker 2 I thought you said that there was a movie. No, no show.

Speaker 2 It's a new show. Listen, I thought you said alone.
I thought Alone was kind of like a lost, like a scripted show. Oh, no.
And then, so in my head, I'm like,

Speaker 2 how is that cooler than, because that's what's real is naked and afraid, but you're saying that alone is real people. Real people.
Going out in the Arctic with clothes. Yep.
10 items of their own.

Speaker 2 They get 10 items and they have to survive. A hundred days.
Through the Arctic winter?

Speaker 2 Can they bring their own foods? No.

Speaker 2 What do they eat?

Speaker 2 Polar bear blabber?

Speaker 2 Polar blare blabber. What do they eat? Well, there's all sorts of stuff up up there.
There's elk, there's mountain lion, there's deer, there's a muskrat. A guy ate a muskrat.
There's squirrels.

Speaker 2 There's.

Speaker 2 Do they bring their own tents? They can bring tarps, not tents. So you can make a tent.
What's the difference between a tarp and a tent? Big difference between a tarp and a tent.

Speaker 2 You live in a house or you go, hey, Bobby, where do you live? A house. But then it turns out to be a condominium.
Same thing. It's not even remotely close to being the same thing.

Speaker 2 A tarp and a tent are two different things. A tent is pre-built as a tent.
A tarp is a tarp. What is a tarp? It's just a big piece of material that you can use in a million different ways.

Speaker 2 A tent is is a fucking tent. Can a tarp turn into a teepee tent like

Speaker 2 back in my boys did? Can.

Speaker 2 Can. But is the teepee tent a tent? Tepee's a teepee.

Speaker 2 No, they call them tents sometimes. No, they don't.
They call them teepees. Some tribes do.
Which ones? The Mohakan. Oh, Mohakans do.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, maybe then.

Speaker 2 So what you're saying is that they take a tarp. They take a tarp and turn it into a tent.
They can turn it into a tent. It's a teepee.
They can start a fire of... They have fire mechanisms.

Speaker 2 So they have flints, you know, fire starters? I get what they are. One guy forgot one, and he had to do the bow and arrow, you know, the bow thing.
Yeah, didn't work. Forever.
No, it was so stupid.

Speaker 2 It was really funny to watch that.

Speaker 2 And he's like, my hands. Yeah.
I know. They always do that, too.
Yeah, because it gets sore from this. Like in Naked Afraid, if they don't have a flint, there was always one guy that goes, bro,

Speaker 2 I've started 10,000 fires with a stick and a piece of, you know what I mean? Bark. Can't.
And then when they get out there, I don't know why it's not working.

Speaker 2 And their partner just looking at them like this, like, you fucking sort of just got to fucking get a flint. Yeah, it's so just bring the fire starter thing.

Speaker 2 So they can bring 10 things, and then they can only survive off of the land. Yeah, I also love a negative fraid when, like, because everyone gets to choose, you know what I mean, a survival thing.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? Like, you get a pot, I guess, and like, you know, but then you get one choice. Oh, yeah, you can bring along another thing.
So one guy's like, I brought my machete. Right.

Speaker 2 And the other partner's like, I brought a pencil.

Speaker 2 And they're like, why? In case we need to take notes.

Speaker 2 This is many uses. I'd like to draw some of the leaves.
And when you get, actually, I can draw the blood. Yeah, I mean, like, and then they're going to get upset.

Speaker 2 Yeah, no, everyone's bringing like an axe or a knife or a machete. I do love Naked and Afraid because they give people PSRs.
Your primitive survival rating is 8.6. What would yours be? 0.7.
0.7.

Speaker 2 What would yours be? Way higher than you out of 10. You have no fucking survival skills whatsoever.
Insane. Insane.

Speaker 2 Alright, so you don't have to. At the very start, you don't have to fire.
Yup. With a a lighter, probably, and gasoline.
Yeah. No, but what I'm saying, you could

Speaker 2 start it with a smoke. If I dropped you off in the middle of the Amazon with nothing,

Speaker 2 you'd be able to start a fire. Not with nothing.
No, I can't. Fuckers can.
No, they can't. They always have to have something to start off.
You need something to start.

Speaker 2 No, I've seen dudes go, I don't need it because I have a fucking, I can get a stick and I know how to do it. I know what wrong.
I can't do the smoke thing. I can't.
But then either can I.

Speaker 2 So that goes against you. Okay, but I, okay, let's do my points then.
I'm athletic, which helps tremendously because you're good. Fat dudes survive longer.
No, they don't. You have to hunt game.

Speaker 2 How can you hunt game if you're fat? Bro, a lady on fucking did two fucking

Speaker 2 Naked Afraids. Yeah.
Vegetarian.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 One lady did the 40-day challenge. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Vegetarian. And she refused to eat any fish.
She's dead now. No, she's not.
She's dead now. She had sepsis and died.
I read that article. She doesn't exist anymore.

Speaker 2 No, she did exist, but now because she has no nutrients, she could be just in and out of. She floats in and out of our universe.
Our universe. Okay, I'm also athletic is a huge thing.
No.

Speaker 2 Conservative fat is a huge thing. I've seen fat.
Your fat is concentrated into one area. Yeah.
It needed to be spread out. Your arms aren't fat.
It's on my dick, baby. No, it's not.
It's on you.

Speaker 2 It's on my dick, bait, bait. Your dick fat looks like a lava lamp.
It's like fat here, skinny, fat here, fat, skinny, skinny, fat. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Your penis looks like an anal bee. You know what your fucking penis looks like? If you opened up Trump's dick and just took out one of his veins, is what your dick would look like.
Okay. That's okay.

Speaker 2 What do you mean? It's a big, thick vein. No, not a thick vein.
Thick vein. Look at a dick.
Yeah. Trump's dick.
Look at Trump's dick, right? Fine.

Speaker 2 And those little dicks, those little, not the little dicks, but the little veins in the dick. That's what your dick looks like.
There's not a bigger dick in his dick. She hates this.
I know.

Speaker 2 She's so grossed out. Yeah.
Rudy, I'm sorry. Are you grossed out by his talk about Trump's pee-pee? Kind of.
Offensive, no less.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I tried to go bowling yesterday

Speaker 2 and they are closed down in it because the country's closing down again. What do you mean? You know, what do you mean?

Speaker 2 No, the country. I've reopened.

Speaker 2 Really? Oh, yeah. I've gone to three raves.
Where? Up in the fucking Temecula. Seriously, have you been to a rave? Yeah, three of them.
I was the only one there. I had my gloves.

Speaker 2 People got mad at me because I said

Speaker 2 I've been really good during the pande. The only thing I've been doing is I've been playing...

Speaker 2 On Craigslist, I'm part of this group, and we play tackle football with strangers in the park, and it's no pants. It's shirts, but no pants.
Is that bad? People got so mad. They're like,

Speaker 2 they're like, that's irresponsible.

Speaker 2 But it's just a group of buds. Yeah.
And we just meet up every Sunday right here, Balboa Park, and we just hang out. Yeah.
And it's no, it's pants. You know why it's no pants, by the way?

Speaker 2 Because you can't run in jeans. It's impossible to play football in jeans.
Yeah. You gotta have no pants.

Speaker 2 Also, we used to have a rule where you couldn't tackle by the dick. You can now.
Well, people are mad at me because I do

Speaker 2 every Saturday. I do an escape room.

Speaker 2 I do an escape room. Where is it? What? It's over there in Los Felos.
I do an escape room with 100 people.

Speaker 2 It's all my friends, 100 people, right? You know them all.

Speaker 2 And we wear masks when we get there, but in the escape room, you can't because you have to communicate.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you need to talk. You need to talk.
Like, how did we get into that fucking opening up there? Right? Yeah. Hey, hey, Raul, you know what I mean? Let's solve

Speaker 2 this puzzle together.

Speaker 2 And so 15 of us will huddle together and solve it. And just stare at a little mechanism and just figure out what buttons to press.

Speaker 2 Is it really hot in there? Super hot. So you're sweating like crazy.
Yeah, yeah. And there's no, because it's an escape room, there's no ventilation.
People get so mad about that. I don't know why.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. And

Speaker 2 one escape room, it took us 12 hours to get out of. Yeah.
Right. And the last bit of it is us,

Speaker 2 about 30 of us at a time, have to shimmy

Speaker 2 in a tube

Speaker 2 together, right?

Speaker 2 You have to take your clothes off as well. Of course.
Right. And you have to shimmy, right? And they blow smoke in there.
Oh, right.

Speaker 2 It's a fire like a fucking, it's like a back, like backdraft kind of theme. Oh, I love that thing.
Right. So you're love, right? So the smoke is in the, you cough.

Speaker 2 Right. Right.
Yeah. And you're just shimmering, shimmying, naked.
Right. But, you know, we stopped doing it last Saturday.
It's over now? Because of the, you know, the hysteria. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 I trust me. It's crazy.
Can I take you guys to a restaurant? We went to a new restaurant. It's fucking phenomenal.
What's it called? It's called Mama Bird. There's no way.
Have you heard of Mama Bird?

Speaker 2 Do you guys know about this? I just said there's no way. How wow, how?

Speaker 2 No, no. It's delicious.
It's so good. Is it the chicken? No, Mama Bird is like a, it's like a, I'd say Americana bistro.

Speaker 2 And what happens is the chef comes out, greets you, she takes your order as well. She recommends stuff and she cooks it, brings it back to the table, and then she chews it and spits it in your mouth.

Speaker 2 It is the best restaurant. It's some of the most delectable.

Speaker 2 None of the nutrients are gone. You still get all the nutrients.

Speaker 2 It's so good.

Speaker 2 Okay, Mama Bird. That's Mama Bird.
Wow. It's so good.

Speaker 2 And apparently, the reason that she pre-chews it for you is

Speaker 2 because a lot of times, do you know how many people choke and die at restaurants in the United States of America? Yeah. 30,000 people.

Speaker 2 Wait, this restaurant, it's in Arizona, right? Yes. It's in downtown Phoenix.
Downtown Phoenix. Yes.
Go to Mama Bird. Mama Bird, downtown Phoenix.

Speaker 2 And her name is Gladys the chef, and she will chew and spit in your mouth your food because so many people choke and die

Speaker 2 in restaurants, 30,000 a year. She's cutting that number down to nothing.
Yeah. You can't choke on it when it's pre-chewed.

Speaker 2 Pretty cool.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you a bad story? I don't know the restaurant that I go to. Oh, what is it? Yeah, it's called The Exotic.
The Exotic? Yes. What is it? It's a great restaurant.
Well, it's pretty far.

Speaker 2 It's in Wuhan.

Speaker 2 In Wuhan? Oh, Oh, Wuhan, China.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Oh, I love that spot.
It's called The Exotic. And they only serve

Speaker 2 bats.

Speaker 2 Really? Yes. But what's great about it,

Speaker 2 they catch bats. Oh, they catch them? They catch them, right?

Speaker 2 Uh-huh. And while they're alive, they just

Speaker 2 slice meat like a sashimi. They don't cook it.
Why would you cook it? Why? Right? That's the question. People cook their bats.

Speaker 2 People cook their bats. They boil it.
No. Stupid, no need.
In the belly of the bat, it's where the fat, the belly meat is. You know what I mean? Where the fat is, you know what I mean? Like, total.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's like total, right? It's like Toro. And you just slow, right? While the bat's still alive, he's still alive.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's saying stuff like, I got COVID.

Speaker 2 What does that mean? I don't know. Okay.
That's the noise. I don't know if you know, but that's the noise a bat makes.
Oh.

Speaker 2 Because I go to this restaurant, and when you cut open the bat's belly, it goes, I got COVID!

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 COVID, Lundy!

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Sometimes it goes,

Speaker 2 can I tell you a really weird story about a choking on food, by the way? This is so mean. We have a family friend.
This is so mean. Is this real or not? Swear to God.
No, this is real. No more joke.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 His wife. From now on, let's be real.
Okay.

Speaker 2 No more lies, all that stuff.

Speaker 2 Okay, go ahead. His wife

Speaker 2 was eating lunch in his office, right in front of him, and choked to death on a chicken bone.

Speaker 2 Died, was eating chicken wings and died in his office, came to see her husband for lunch and died.

Speaker 2 This is crazy. And one time, someone in my family forgot his name, right?

Speaker 2 And she's trying to reference him. And she's like, you know, dad's buddy.
I'm like, I don't know who you're talking about. And she goes, chicken bone.

Speaker 2 Chicken bone.

Speaker 2 No, really and i was like don't stat so

Speaker 2 yeah his wife died from a chicken bone and it got lodged in her throat

Speaker 2 so you know what we don't have we don't have chicken anymore in our house this is not a lot

Speaker 2 the we have a cousin yeah i'm serious by the way that's what i'm just i'm serious yeah and my dad call it calls us smash why because

Speaker 2 it a fucking

Speaker 2 was smashed in a fucking car accident and died like flattened Yeah, he didn't know the name. So he goes, you know, Smash.

Speaker 2 I go, Dad, Jennifer, you mean?

Speaker 2 Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Smash Jennifer. I made that story up.
Smenifer. I made that story up.
That's a fake story? I lied, yeah. Look into the camera and say it wasn't real.
It wasn't real. Ah, fuck it.

Speaker 2 Car accident stuff is creepy and gross. No, I don't know why I did that.
I apologize. Sometimes I lie.
About Jennifer's. Sometimes I do deceit.
Sometimes. Sometimes.
The song was good last week, huh?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. People love the song.
You know what I suck about it? You know what I hate about the comments? What? Song's great, but when Andrew kicks in, that's when it becomes really funny.

Speaker 2 You got another song you want to play?

Speaker 2 No, I'm not doing another song, but I'm just saying. You're not doing another song.
I wrote the music of that song. Not that hard.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Daddy While You Die. Daddy Why You Die.
Daddy Why You Die. I write the music.
Yeah, you did. I'm the one that you watched.
I tell Jules, I asked Jules, I was in the car, right?

Speaker 2 Like before you got there because you were late. And I go, you know what I mean,

Speaker 2 trying to compose the, you know what I mean? Yeah. And then you come in and you kick in with pretty good improv.
Better than yours.

Speaker 2 It's true.

Speaker 2 Don't be sad, Bob. You're better than me.
Don't be sad. You're all better than me.
No, we're not. Yeah.
I get a call the other day.

Speaker 2 Ring-a-ding, ding-ding, ring-a-ding, ding, ding, ring-a-ling, ding, ding, ring-a-ding, ding, ding. And then I go, hello, it's my, you know, my agents at

Speaker 2 CAA.

Speaker 2 And they go, um, you like to play video games. I go, yeah.
And they go, well, they want you to play Apex Legends. And I go, what is that? It's like, they say it's like Warzone, but it's more cartoony.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And I go, okay.
And they go, you're going to play with a bunch of other comedians. Ron Funches.
Love. Eric Griffin.
Love.

Speaker 2 You know, Jackie Cashin. Yeah, she's great.
I love Jackie.

Speaker 2 Brian Pussing. Yep.

Speaker 2 And maybe some other. There was a thinking, maybe Sarah Silverman, and I go,

Speaker 2 okay, how much? You have to play 11 hours? 11 straight? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 What would be the purpose of that? They're streaming it. Oh, they're live streaming it on the street.
Live streaming it. Twitch?

Speaker 2 Twitch, I think. And then you're playing Apex Legends for 11 hours.
And I do that anyway with Warzone. So I said, fuck it.
Let's just do it. 11 hours straight? Yeah.
But you know what?

Speaker 2 I think there's breaks. Like, I have to take a shit.
I'm not going to take take a shit on.

Speaker 2 Shit break. Yeah.
And then, so they'll play me.

Speaker 2 Probably cigarette breaks.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they definitely got to have cigarette breaks. They're doing it out of your house, which is going to be cool.

Speaker 2 You're filming it on your computer? No, in my house. They're coming over to install a bunch of fucking technology.
Wow. I don't know if we're able to keep that technology, but that'd be fucking cool.

Speaker 2 It's just, it's a dream situation. Yeah, to get paid to play the video.
They're getting paid to fucking sleep. Which is kind of.

Speaker 2 Hey, we're going to come over and just hook up some mechanisms in the bed. You won't even feel it.
You do get paid to sleep.

Speaker 2 You sleep in for the most of the day. You're getting paid for some of that day.
From what? Who's paying me? Everything that you've ever done. Oh, that is true in a sense.
We have shadow money coming.

Speaker 2 Shadow money.

Speaker 2 Dude, you get checks like, you know, you did an El Pollo Loco commercial, you know what I mean? And they kind of did a snippet of it in Brazil. And here's $10.

Speaker 2 It's a nice little $10. Yeah, yeah.
I mean, you get like weird money. I get a couple.
I have one on the way from. From what?

Speaker 2 From the disaster artist

Speaker 2 good yeah it's a little bit of money it's not bad what's the most what's what's a movie the biggest residual movie what's a movie that you get still get residual checks on not movie but I still get checks from

Speaker 2 this is us that TV show oh you do I did the pilot I still get checks wow it's like five years ago I don't even know what it is now and that they're bigger than they should be they're bigger than when I really was in something right I was just a little guest star I want to ask you something yeah how come you haven't brought up uh soccer at all?

Speaker 2 This is a big, isn't this big for soccer right now? What do you mean? Liverpool won the EPL? Yeah, isn't that amazing?

Speaker 2 I tried to watch, I think, Man Yu played, I forgot who they played, but I was watching it.

Speaker 2 And it just, because there's no audience, and because there was a disruption to the season, and because we already knew Liverpool was going to win the whole fucking thing. It doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 I was just like, I'm done. I want to wait until the EPL starts again.

Speaker 2 And then I want to see what happens in the transfer window. I also want to see if there's going to be actually an audience.
Probably not. And I want to say that, let's talk real for a second.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 regardless if you feel like, you know, we should open everything up

Speaker 2 or if you're like me who thinks that it was a little too soon.

Speaker 2 Listen, I want to listen to everyone's perspective. Everyone has a right to have their own opinion

Speaker 2 about any issue. Yeah.
Right. Yeah.
But facts are facts. And we

Speaker 2 at a rise right now. It's bad in LA.
In Texas, it's bad. Here, we lead the country in new cases.
It's fucking insane. In Florida, it's bad.
It's bad in pockets, in different pockets of the country.

Speaker 2 Yeah, and there's no let up.

Speaker 2 No, I know. And when they say that the world could change, it has.

Speaker 2 From now on, we don't know now when comedy clubs are going to open. There's no way to know.
Probably never. All the way? Yeah.
Who falls? All the way to know. Who knows? Who knows?

Speaker 2 Two years, three years, four years? Especially in L.A. I mean, they were thinking that July was going to be.
I know, I remember that? Remember what? July, like, the store will open.

Speaker 2 After the holiday, we'll be back. Yeah, yeah, and we're not.
Not even close. We're on the opposite.
So,

Speaker 2 man, that's why I, like, when they called me for this video game thing, I'm also doing like Howie Mandel called me and goes, you know, usually, you know, he's so proactive. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's like, hey, I'm doing this other, you know what I mean, reality show. I'm like, I'll just do it.
What reality show are you doing with this?

Speaker 2 Not a reality show, but it's like a game show kind of a thing. You You know what I mean? What is it?

Speaker 2 I don't even know what it is, but it's like, and with you, Eric Stone Street, and the other lady that's on Modern Family. What's her name? Julie Bowen? No, the Hispanic lady.
Sophia Vergara?

Speaker 2 Yeah, Sophia Gagara.

Speaker 2 Wait, what's her? What is it? Sophia Gagara. Sofia Griggara.
He goes, Yeah, it's Sophia Gagara and Eric Stone Street from Modern Family. I go, It's just me too.
And they go, Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it's one of those just like

Speaker 2 game shows.

Speaker 2 That's fun. I go,

Speaker 2 I'll do it. Normally, I would be like, I would not do it.

Speaker 2 Well, I would ignore his call, maybe.

Speaker 2 I love Howie Mendel, but every time it's something, it's a business thing.

Speaker 2 But isn't that good? If he's calling you for a while, it's like, you know what I mean? So I have no idea.

Speaker 2 You, Joe Koi, you know, Santino, you're naked. You're in a bucket.
Yes, yes. Yes.
Their score points. Yes.
Yes. And then Eva Longoria,

Speaker 2 Soviet Long Longong, right? From Modern Family, right? They're judging you, but they're doing accents. You have to pretend what they're saying.
You have to figure it out, right?

Speaker 2 Sign me up the audience choose. And it's always something like that.
And I'm always writing notes. Like, okay, bucket, Santino, right?

Speaker 2 And then I'll see it a week later, and I won't understand the notes. It'll say, bucket, Santino, Eva, Langangong.

Speaker 2 And it'll say crowd and points. Yeah.
And I'll go, I have no idea what the fuck that is.

Speaker 2 Right? So it's always, I love him. Yeah.
Out of all those old school guys, I have to say, out of all those old school guys, you know, I love Louis Anderson. Louis is.
You know, Louis? Come on.

Speaker 2 Yeah, he's the best. Honestly,

Speaker 2 his role in baskets was one of the coolest things I've ever seen in my life. He was so funny as Zach's mom.
But let me take it back one step.

Speaker 2 The reason I respect guys like that, like Howie's work ethic, like you're talking about, you're talking about a guy who's been in the game for so fucking long and done so much.

Speaker 2 Dude,

Speaker 2 Bobby's world. I know.
Was

Speaker 2 so good.

Speaker 2 Was so unique for a guy.

Speaker 2 to do like that that was a stand-up that could do 10 different other things. That was pretty incredible.

Speaker 2 There is also a kid in me that's like, I remember when I was, I think in middle school and I was watching HBO or something and I was a kid.

Speaker 2 And I remember watching like Howie Mendel like in a young comedian special or something like that. And he would, you know what I mean? Hey, I got a black head.

Speaker 2 And he would pick up a black mannequin head and stick it on his face. And I remember like as a kid, just

Speaker 2 gut crying, right? And then it's just like, how does it sound cheesy? But, you know, so when he calls, right, there is that kid inside me that goes, there's that guy that I watched.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Of course, I thought it was, he was so great. And then

Speaker 2 I love also

Speaker 2 Dice too, because I just kind of grew up watching him. Well, they reconnect with a point of your childhood.
Yeah. That's like so, like, that makes you feel so happy.

Speaker 2 Like, dude, when I worked with Jim Carrey on the Showtime show, we were having drinks and dinner one night. Yeah.
And I'll never forget, in the middle of him talking,

Speaker 2 I was like, just buzzed enough where I was watching his lips and I was watching his lips and it looked like he was doing the Ace Ventura mouth, you know, like

Speaker 2 and it like reinvigorates that that memory from your brain as a kid. Oh my god, it is weird to it's weird when you, yeah, it's weird when you get to work or befriend people that you

Speaker 2 love that you loved. When I mean you still intimidated by him, I remember when they were like doing audio, not auditions, he came to the comedy store to see people perform.
I was on the lineup.

Speaker 2 Oh, I know. He had showed me, and he came up to me and he goes, Hey, buddy, fucking hilarious, right? And I went,

Speaker 2 you.

Speaker 2 Sing you, Ting. Yeah, yeah.
And then when

Speaker 2 Mitzi's funeral, in Mitzi's funeral, so Al Madrigal goes, you know, everyone's there, right? Yeah. And so Al Madrigal goes,

Speaker 2 hey, man, let's just sit over here to the side. But for some reason, When we sat down, like all the cool comics sat with us.

Speaker 2 So first Bill Burr, right, and a couple of other people, and then Jim Carrey walks. And there's a gap between me, Bill Burr, and a bunch of people.
Jim Carrey sits right next to me. Wow.
I go,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 And he takes his hand and he puts it on my back and he kind of just rubs it. Oh, nice.
And I'm just like, oh, this guy is so fucking cool. He's very connected.

Speaker 2 He's had like a really cool, connective kind of thing. You can tell he, he, um,

Speaker 2 you could tell he's very in the moment. He's very present.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I embarrassed myself when I asked him one time.
I said, Jim, where do you, uh, where are you living now? And he's like,

Speaker 2 so stupid.

Speaker 2 Why? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he was like, um,

Speaker 2 I'm kind of everywhere, man. And I was like, I know.

Speaker 2 Why did you ask them? Asking a billionaire where he lives. Why did you ask them? They live wherever they need to live.
He lives, he can live here. He can live there.
He

Speaker 2 He can live in L.A. for half the year.
He can live in Canada for half of the year. Yeah,

Speaker 2 it's funny.

Speaker 2 I get nervous

Speaker 2 a lot socially.

Speaker 2 I don't know what to say. Well, it's also because

Speaker 2 I get nervous around people that I really respect. Yeah.

Speaker 2 It doesn't matter if you're famous. Yeah.
If I respect your work and I know that you've done stuff that I'm like, wow, you're very good at something. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Whatever it is, musicians, athletes, you know, someone that's just anybody who's great at something, I'm always like, I don't know what I'm supposed to say to you.

Speaker 2 Cause I know they don't want to talk a lot to some guy that's like, hey, talk a basketball, LeBron. And he's like, yeah.
And you're like, basketball, LeBron. What am I supposed to?

Speaker 2 There is, we don't have anything in common. Or when you're, sometimes what happens is when you're on a TV show

Speaker 2 and sometimes like an actor will direct. Oh, yeah, that happens a lot.
Fred Savage directed me a few times. Right.

Speaker 2 So when I was on Spling Up Together, I just show up on set on a Monday and I realize, I go, I know this director.

Speaker 2 And it was Helen Hunt shut up no I'm not kidding wild and so I walked up to her I go I love Twister I don't know why

Speaker 2 I don't know why why out of all her jobs

Speaker 2 you love the fucking tornado

Speaker 2 I love twister how stupid

Speaker 2 she's like yeah that was a tough job she's like yeah I've done a lot of movies yeah and for some reason like I would like she was a little distant. Well, after the Twister comment, yeah.
No,

Speaker 2 yeah. She was very distant to me, right? And then, like, it got to the point where her notes were just, just say it faster or whatever it might be, right? She didn't want to talk to me.

Speaker 2 But then what happened was she took my, so she, I guess,

Speaker 2 one of the producers, Greg, who's a friend of mine, right?

Speaker 2 Um, had his office. And I'm just, I have the kind of relationship where I could just walk in.
Sure. Right.
So, but she had, he had told her, you could just have my office while you're working here.

Speaker 2 So I just barked into his office, like, what's up?

Speaker 2 Like, I don't even know who's in it. And she's sitting there with her assistant, and they're on their computer, and they're on a conference call, and they're taking notes, and they're really serious.

Speaker 2 And I go,

Speaker 2 what's up, Helen?

Speaker 2 Like, I had to switch it,

Speaker 2 you know, like, improvise. Because Greg was there in your mind.
Yeah, yeah. What's up, Greg? What's up, Helen? And she's just like, I'm working.

Speaker 2 Get out. Okay.
I'm Bobby. Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God. I'm working.
I'm Bobby.

Speaker 2 Get out. It was terrible.
Yeah, those moments are only because when you respect someone, you feel stupid. You wouldn't feel stupid if you didn't really care.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 If it was just a regular nobody that you're like, I don't fucking know. It's fine.
I'll just feel like, oh, my bad. Sorry, I made a mistake.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 It's when you respect someone, you feel foolish when you make a stupid mistake like that. One of my dreams is this, is like, if I ever die, that's it.
There is a heaven. If you ever die, you're dying.

Speaker 2 You're going to die. But if I die, when I die, and my brother dies,

Speaker 2 and we're in heaven,

Speaker 2 one of my dreams, this is never going to happen, but maybe. I would love to go to God or whoever is in charge.

Speaker 2 There's probably like a point person. I bet there's a committee.
Or there's probably somebody that's designated for like an angel that's designated to you. You don't get a direct line to God.
Jesus.

Speaker 2 Right. And you go, I would want to go, hey, is there any way that I can look at my brother's best of tape?

Speaker 2 You're like, what do you mean? Like, all his just awkward mishaps. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, just a compilation over the years, and my brother and I just want to sit there and watch it.

Speaker 2 I know that my brother and I will laugh so fucking hard. And then my brother will say the same.
I want to see Bobby's best of tape. Just all the awkward

Speaker 2 moments how he tried to like, you know,

Speaker 2 my blooper reel.

Speaker 2 I wish we all got to see our own blooper reel to just laugh at that. Like right before you die, if you saw all the dumbest, dumb shit that you've ever done.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Like one, like, like you want to talk about it here. I just remembered an embarrassing moment the other day because when we were watching Alone, the guy almost fell into the fire that he made.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right. And it brought me back immediately to when we were camping in, we were in northern Illinois or Wisconsin somewhere, right? There was a girl.
I was probably in junior high.

Speaker 2 There was a girl that I had a huge crush on. Okay.
And everyone is like goofing around by the fire. And it's getting late.
And we're all young, dumb teenagers.

Speaker 2 And people are like jumping over the fire or throwing stuff in it to make it get bigger

Speaker 2 you know but you know what i mean but it's like just to get it lit up or throw kerosene in it or something yeah and i and this girl was there and i was like i can jump from like outside of the rocks all the way across like it was it was a bigger gap i'm not kidding at all yeah okay the parents are like inside the house or whoever we're with yeah and i'm trying to show off this girl and i'm like no i can fucking yeah dude i jump and my foot hits the rock one of the rocks outside and I face plant into the fire.

Speaker 2 Into the fire.

Speaker 2 Luckily, I roll out as fast as I can. Everyone is

Speaker 2 dying, laughing. No one's concerned.
No one's... Oh, you know, everyone's.

Speaker 2 What happened to you? No, I was fine. Just I was the biggest fucking loser for the rest of time.
Yeah, yeah. Everyone laughed.
Nobody tried to help me.

Speaker 2 I would have burned to death and they would have laughed the whole fucking time. Yeah.
Because I thought it was going to be cool in front of the girl to jump over the fire. Yeah.
Like a moron.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Is that impressive when boys try to do, you know, when boys try to do dumb stuff to show off, yeah, yeah, boys do that like when you're younger, right?

Speaker 2 Like little like 12, 13-year-old boys, you think you're cool and you want to do something like that. And then for the rest of the time,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 For the rest of time, you're like, that guy's a loser, right? Yeah, see, that's it. I did this once at a restaurant years ago, and I was at a restaurant, I was by myself.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And this beautiful, this is way before Kalila. This beautiful girl, I don't know why I remember this because it was so embarrassing.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So this girl walks in and she looks right at me and she goes, hey, like that. So I go, I do a silly hi.

Speaker 2 Like,

Speaker 2 like I do a finger.

Speaker 2 What do you, the fonts? You. Hey, you.
Yeah, yeah. Like, I know you, you know what I mean? Yeah.
And it's one of those situations where she was obviously waving to somebody in back of me. Right.

Speaker 2 So I do this and I turn around and there's a guy that stands up and goes, hey, you know, Sally or whatever. And I'm standing like this, right?

Speaker 2 But in my mind, right, I go, I'm going to pretend someone's behind her.

Speaker 2 So I go, and she looks at me. I go, no, not you.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 But there was no one, there was no one behind her.

Speaker 2 She turned around. There was literally no one behind her.
So I was like, the paranormal.

Speaker 2 There's a ghost. She goes to the dude.
She's like, that poor schizophrenic Asian boy. I looked so crazy because not only did I do that, but I go like that, and there's no one there.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Oh god. Hey, me? No.

Speaker 2 I know. You, her.
Yeah. But now when people wave to me, even if I know them,

Speaker 2 even if I know them, I don't do a thing right away. Why? Just in case.
I just go.

Speaker 2 In case it's not happening,

Speaker 2 I'm kidding. I'm not kidding you.

Speaker 2 I think there's been 10 times in my life that that's happened where... Because also when you

Speaker 2 get,

Speaker 2 maybe I'm narcissistic, but especially when you're a comedian. Yeah.

Speaker 2 because people come up to you all right you're at you're at a starbuck people often will say people will walk by and go what's up dude i'm a fan of your podcast or mad tv or whatever i might be right sure and i'm cool about it i'll go thanks dude or whatever right but it's like sometimes people will just go smile at you and you don't want to be rude so you smile back but yeah what you do yeah no i smile back yeah yeah i smile back you have to you have to smile back but if if it but now i'm a little more you're weary no if they smile i just

Speaker 2 yeah there is an awareness. Have you ever had it where somebody knows who you are at like a coffee shop or a place you go to all the time and you don't know their name?

Speaker 2 You know, when you go enough? Oh, yeah. And you don't know their name? Oh, yeah, yeah.
And it feels really bad when they're like, hey, all right, Bobby, take it easy, man. And I'm there all the time.

Speaker 2 No. Because I'm there all the time.
I don't feel bad about that. I don't give a fuck.
I say, thanks, dude. There's a

Speaker 2 captain. You could say chief.
I should know his name. No, you don't.
Oh, no. I see him every day.
Do you know his name now? No. Yeah.

Speaker 2 He's probably,

Speaker 2 he hears this. He's like, next time I go in, he's like, what? Yeah.
What do you want? My brother worked at a fucking coffee bean on Sunset Boulevard and

Speaker 2 Ardmore. Oh, yeah, I know, yeah.
I think Ardmore. No, Las Palmas.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so Los Palmas. Yeah, I know that.
Oh, yeah, yeah. In Hollywood.
Yeah, in Hollywood, right.

Speaker 2 And he used to work with this guy named Donnie.

Speaker 2 Fucking Donnie. Donnie, right? And Donnie would always, like, fucking drop names.
Like famous people? Yeah, but they weren't famous.

Speaker 2 Hey, man. Fuck, you can't even believe who came in here, man.
You're not going to fucking believe who came in here, man. Charlie Sheen standing, man.

Speaker 2 Charlie Sheen standing, man.

Speaker 2 I got a photo of him and everything, man. That's huge for that guy.
Oh, my God. That's big for Donnie.
I hate this town. No, you don't.
You love this town. Dude, you own this town.

Speaker 2 I met fucking Raul Jenkins, dude. He was the stunt man for the Nickelodeon show Blue Wave, man.

Speaker 2 And you're like, oh, fuck this town. No, it's fun.
It's great. No, it's really fun.
It's delightful.

Speaker 2 I love it. You do love it here.

Speaker 2 What are you looking at? You're looking at your text massages? Yeah, man. You're a busy guy.
You're blowing up lately, man. You got new video game contracts.

Speaker 2 Dude, you have a game show. You got video game contracts.
You're killing it. What aren't you doing? What's next for Bobby Lee? Huh? A memoir?

Speaker 2 You know why I i don't take that seriously could you ever write could you ever write a memoir i don't make fun of yeah you do you you're every you're sarcastic no i'm not yeah you're not you because you know that you're on davey

Speaker 2 you know right yeah yeah you know you've done you know the disaster artist stop it

Speaker 2 i make you know what i mean i make fun of big feature films you know what i mean like i you know what i was really hurt i was so disappointed when they didn't fucking nominate you for the disaster artists

Speaker 2 You think that's funny?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I literally, I called my HS, I called the Academy. I go, how can you not?

Speaker 2 The acting.

Speaker 2 And you know what? You know what? You were better than

Speaker 2 when Brian Callan was in the Joker. He was really good in the Joker.
He was so good in the Joker. Hey, how many weeks are left on your game show? Probably a couple more weeks.
Are you watching? No.

Speaker 2 Why not? Why? It's so good. No, you're being sarcastic.

Speaker 2 I've seen every episode.

Speaker 2 What did I do last week? Oh, my God. With the.

Speaker 2 What did I do last week? I know what you did. What?

Speaker 2 The one where you eat the bugs. No, that was the first episode.
Oh, it was? Yeah. God, it feels like it was last week.
No. Oh, no.
Last week was the

Speaker 2 tournament of time.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you don't watch it. I do watch it.

Speaker 2 Maybe one activity I did last week because I know what I did last week.

Speaker 2 You ran up the gauntlet. Didn't you run the gauntlet? Wait, you ran the gauntlet.
I watched it. You ran the gauntlet.
No. No? No.
Wait, what did you do last week? Here's the thing.

Speaker 2 You don't watch any of my shit. I don't watch any of your shit.
That's the truth. Because we don't.
That's not true. I watch Love.

Speaker 2 We know each other, not from that. Yeah, I know, that's true.
I saw you when you were like a young comic. Yeah.
And I remember me and what's his name? Saw you. Yeah, yeah.
How's Leonard Crowen?

Speaker 2 He's gone.

Speaker 2 But he's in the neighbor's yard. Is he dead now? Who knows? You don't check in? Do you not check in on Leonard Crowhan? No, we checked in, but then we didn't saw him.
Oh, no. So he's dead for sure.

Speaker 2 He's dead, right? There's literally no chance he couldn't be dead. It pissed me off, too.
It's like she...

Speaker 2 Is the poop still on your patio? Yeah, but when the crow left, right, I go, um, all right, guys, I'm gonna go sweep up the balcony. No one helped me.

Speaker 2 And I spent hours out there sweeping,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean, trying to get the fucking shit. it's it's still shit all over the place you gotta use a hose I know I understand that but it's like

Speaker 2 not that I love crows I love an Amelia

Speaker 2 oh my god they don't want to hear that what

Speaker 2 what was that I don't know it wasn't a burpa fart it was a fart it was like a yeah like a fart came out of your mouth I know I haven't eaten all day, dude. Why?

Speaker 2 Because I woke up at 2.45 and I realized, holy shit, I have bad friends today. And so Jules was like, what? What are you reading something? She was reading a book on the couch.
And I go, let's go.

Speaker 2 She's like, okay, okay.

Speaker 2 Why don't you just make a meal prep? Why don't you have a meal? She ate already.

Speaker 2 I have not eaten.

Speaker 2 You know what I'm going to get? I'm going to get an acaibol delivered. That's not food.

Speaker 2 It is. Acai bowl is like a hundred calories.

Speaker 2 Acai buls are so.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 2 Who is it? Nobody.

Speaker 2 You remember him? I love him.

Speaker 2 Open it.

Speaker 2 Hi, sweetheart.

Speaker 2 Hey, you're on the podcast. It's Bobby Lee.
You're on the podcast with Nick Lee. Bobby Lee.
Bobby, how are you? Remember, you did the movie and you made me audition?

Speaker 2 Oh, fuck you. Did I get an offer?

Speaker 2 Dude, fuck a dick.

Speaker 2 I'm doing my best, man. Did he get the part? No, I didn't even do it.
Huh. Were you in the movie? I was.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Nick,

Speaker 2 did you make me audition, Nick?

Speaker 2 Guys, it's not about who gets auditioned.

Speaker 2 No, but I want to ask Nick, I love you so much, but did Nick.

Speaker 2 Did Andrew sent you to audition for your movie? No. Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 But he's my best friend, and I wrote the role for him. That's right.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 What was Bobby going in for?

Speaker 2 I don't remember. Who got it? Who got it? Was it Adam Lustix thing? I think it was Adam Lustix, though.
Who's Adam Lustix? Maybe one of the funniest people on Earth.

Speaker 2 He's on a show corporate on Comedy Central.

Speaker 2 He's so fucking funny. He's bigger than me?

Speaker 2 He's skinnier than you. He's bigger than me in the name.
No. Oh.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 You're like a network guy, man. You're a network guy, see? You're a game show guy now.

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm a network guy. Is that why? You're Nick.
Yeah, yeah. So if I would have read for it, would I got it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude.
Oh, shit. I should have auditioned.
You should have auditioned. What's up, Nick?

Speaker 2 I love you, Nick. I was just kidding.
No, jokes on me because the movie didn't do great.

Speaker 2 Do you know any of the sales numbers of the film?

Speaker 2 No, I think we came close to getting their money back, which is. That's good.
Let's promote the movie. What is the movie called? Nick.

Speaker 2 Little bitches. Little bitches.
Can they get it on iTunes, Nick? Amazon, right? iTunes and Amazon.

Speaker 2 we have a very big audience here I love Nick Nick and I've worked with Nick before yeah he's awesome he's one of my I love he's one of my favorite people in the whole world

Speaker 2 you're so great um I was just watching the Father's Day song oh yeah oh yeah yep it's it

Speaker 2 who had a better verse Bobby or me

Speaker 2 you know I love you Nick

Speaker 2 so watch uh little bitches got little bitches yeah little bitches right on um iTunes and fucking Amazon yep Nick is my boy and then you know what dude next time you do a movie I will read for it I'll read for it next time

Speaker 2 I'll read for it next time okay

Speaker 2 don't worry I won't get another movie yes I want you to get another fucker you're so fucking talented yes you will you're a fucking talented fucker all right Nicholas you want me to call you I'll call you LA I'll call you after love you guys

Speaker 2 baby

Speaker 2 what a good guy he fucking made me read Yeah, he told me he was going to make you read. He goes after me.

Speaker 2 Because that would tell me that

Speaker 2 he thinks that I can't act. No, it's not that he doesn't think that you can act.
He knows you can act. I think he didn't know if you could do that character.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 It was the character was a blind black guy in a wheelchair.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, I had to read. Yeah, I had to read.

Speaker 2 There's no way. That's very difficult.
There's no way. Yeah, yeah.
I was going to do a show where they said that I had to be in a wheelchair. Yeah.
And I was like, I don't think I want to do that.

Speaker 2 If I got a movie deal,

Speaker 2 right, and I wrote a part or I'm casting it and I gave an offer to Theo Vaughan.

Speaker 2 Yeah, man. Right.
And I offered one to Brian Callen.

Speaker 2 But then your agents here, you have to read.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'd be mean if you gave roles to other people. No, would you read?

Speaker 2 For you?

Speaker 2 No, would you read for me? No.

Speaker 2 No, no chance. So why is it? that I have to read for him.

Speaker 2 Because you're a wild card.

Speaker 2 We don't know what you're coming with, you know? know you're gonna read for me

Speaker 2 no i'm not because you said that you have to read from me no yeah you're my friend but you understand how that feels though i know but i wouldn't make you read

Speaker 2 i think you would no i wouldn't you're a wild card you are a fucking wild card yeah

Speaker 2 but i wouldn't make you read but i would fuck with you a lot on the set of something without a doubt i'd give you wrong call times you'd show up way too early because i know you'd be late Right?

Speaker 2 I'd make sure that you only had access to certain amounts of food, certain kinds of food, certain amounts of food, right?

Speaker 2 Well, you think I just need fucking translation.

Speaker 2 And I would have a translator for you on set because no one can understand you.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Speaking of translator,

Speaker 2 you know, Neil Neil Brennan directed a movie called

Speaker 2 with Will Farrell produced it. It was about the cars.

Speaker 2 With Jeremy Piven. Piven, right.
Yeah, this car salesman movie. He gave the part to Dr.
Ken.

Speaker 2 But anyway. Did you audition for that? Yes.
Oh, man, and he got it over you? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I know. And I give him Shirobato every time I see him.
I'm being genuine. You didn't audition for the hangover, right? No.
They wouldn't see me. God, that would have been crazy for you, huh? I know.

Speaker 2 We wouldn't have been doing this show. You'd be so big.
You'd be doing it with somebody bigger. Like, shut the fuck up anyway.
Like Joe Olma. So I remember being in the audition, though.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And doing a pass.

Speaker 2 I did a scene. A couple of scenes.
Yes. Neil gets up from, I swear to God, he does this.
He gets up from fucking, you know what I mean, the couch or whatever.

Speaker 2 And there's probably eight people in the room.

Speaker 2 He comes to me and whispers, this is what he whispers. And he wasn't even kidding.

Speaker 3 No one can understand what you're saying.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 Why? I have no idea. You're mumbling? I don't know.
I thought I did it good, but he goes, no one can understand what you're saying.

Speaker 2 How do you take that note?

Speaker 2 Speak up. No, I did.

Speaker 2 Then I did it again, and they're like, thank you. Yeah, you're probably mumbling.
No, I wasn't fucking mumbling. Do I mumble now? I do mumble.
In the business, they call you the mumbles.

Speaker 2 Yeah, do I mumble? I do mumble a little bit. Sometimes you mumble your way through words, or you say words so incorrectly that it might sound like a mumble.
Yeah, but I do that purposely for comedy.

Speaker 2 I got it. Is Panda Express bad for you? Number one, is it the best Chinese food I've ever had? No.
No. Number two.
P.F. Chang's is.
Oh, it's the number one. P.F.
Chang's is so good.

Speaker 2 It's so authentic Chinese. The lettuce cups?

Speaker 2 dude if you went to the most ching changed town in china yeah what is it right and you opened up a pf chang

Speaker 2 they would be like oh my god this is is it this is high quality you'd close down all the who is pf i want to meet him do you know who pf is paul frank the clothing designer yes he owns that i know paul frank channel paul frank chang chang chang that was his name yeah he made shirts and lettuce cups yeah he did he was good yeah paul frank chang

Speaker 2 You don't eat Panda Express. But you know what I love? Dog shit.

Speaker 2 You know what? Here's my qualms about Panda Express. Everything.
It's bad. It's gross.

Speaker 2 No, there's a couple of good things in there.

Speaker 2 And they have their eggplant.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 if you live in the Midwest, they might not offer this.

Speaker 2 But in some cities...

Speaker 2 They did do. You have a select menu of Panda Efu? No, there are some cities that have eggplant tofu.
Eggplant tofu. Yeah.
Fried eggplant.

Speaker 2 But what I hate about eggplant tofu is people don't get it, right?

Speaker 2 So it's like, well, you'll go to

Speaker 2 a Panda Express and it'll say eggplant tofu, you know, against the window. Yeah.
But there's nothing in it. And you go, give me eggplant tofu.
And then they get angry because they have to make it.

Speaker 2 See, they always have to go, oh, God, God.

Speaker 2 Why? Why? They go, oh.

Speaker 2 And then they have to turn to the guy, one eggplant tofu,

Speaker 2 right? And then the chefs are like, we have to go get that shit in the back. Because no one orders it.
Yeah, so they have to get the fucking eggplant and tofu.

Speaker 2 And you can see them making it and not good.

Speaker 2 They don't cook it all the way. And they just fucking, you know what I mean? There it is.
That's their slogan,

Speaker 2 Panda Express. It's not cooked all the way.
The eggplant tofu should be served in every fucking PF Chang.

Speaker 2 Do you eat? Do you eat

Speaker 2 Panda Express? Do you like it? Yeah, I like it. She likes it.
What?

Speaker 2 Just go to a mom-and-pop Chinese place. Which one? All of them.
Century Dragon.

Speaker 2 High Hot Dragon. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 maybe we should get Chin Chin's. Chin Chin is.
You like Chin Chin? It's okay. It's okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah. No, we're going to go Panda again.

Speaker 2 Also, can I just say something? I love Jersey Mics.

Speaker 2 You do? My bad. No, I like it.
It's fine.

Speaker 2 It's a sub above. It's better than fucking Subway.
Well, I don't eat that stuff.

Speaker 2 Oh, really?

Speaker 2 You're so fucking snooty, dude. Why you have your own like meat cutting in my house?

Speaker 2 I have a meat slicing machine in my house. Oh my god.

Speaker 2 And then I say to myself, I hold it up and I go, is that thin enough, sir? And I go, oh. Do you do any fast food?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I do fast food. I just don't like sub-sandwiches fast food.
I like a deli, a mom-and-pop deli that makes sandwiches.

Speaker 2 Fast food for me, my advice would be

Speaker 2 I fuck with a McFlurry. McDonald's will forever be a place in my heart.
McDonald's. It's McDonald's.

Speaker 2 Come, it's the best breakfast on ever. I don't fuck with that shit.

Speaker 2 I don't give a fuck if it gives me fucking colon cancer. I will fucking.

Speaker 2 Does it give you colon cancer? Whatever. Oh.

Speaker 2 Your asshole is petrified from eating too many egg McMuffins.

Speaker 2 Is there a McDonald's nearby? Yeah. That's what I said.
It's unclogged that much. What time is it? Is it before 10:30?

Speaker 2 It's all day now. Now it's all day.
Yeah. Remember before it was 10:30? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you don't know about that, do you? It's 10:15, you're in traffic, and right, and you're like, Come on!

Speaker 2 Come on! You're a half a mile from a fucking McDonald's, because you, and then when you get there at 10:35, and they're like, sorry, we switched over. We switched.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You have the material.

Speaker 2 No, it's driving. Yeah, I hate it.
No, but I'll fast-food it. I'll fast-food it,

Speaker 2 but I will say all the options that we have around us,

Speaker 2 there's so many better burgers I'd rather go get than a fast-food burger. A Shake Shack?

Speaker 2 It is a good fucking burger.

Speaker 2 It's a good fucking burger. It's a pretty good place.
It's very good. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But also,

Speaker 2 but most of the time, most fast food, I don't really, I'm not really, I don't crave it.

Speaker 2 Like, I don't crave Taco Bell. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Can I tell you? We live in Southern California. When they first announced the Mexican pizza, did you know that I drove 100 miles to get it? Why? Isn't there like on every corner?

Speaker 2 No, but they announced it, but like, we're Mexican pizza. And

Speaker 2 in my area, they didn't have it where was this in san diego or something or when you were up here yeah it was san diego oh so i think i drove like to irvine just to get a mexican pizza was it worth it no no

Speaker 2 no i go this is a taco but flat it's it's not it's not good no it's not but you know what what's your fast food rudy

Speaker 2 jolly bee

Speaker 2 what you don't know jolly bee it's a filipino oh jolly bee jolly bee is a filipino right i've lumped jolly bee in the same category as like Wiener Schnitzel.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Places I don't go. Yeah, yeah.
Wiener Schnitzel.

Speaker 2 Oh, no. You don't fuck.
Wiener Schnitzel is one of my favorites.

Speaker 2 Pretzel bun?

Speaker 2 Pretzel bun. Those are.
Two words.

Speaker 2 Pretzel bun.

Speaker 2 No. You know why I love a pretzel bun? Why? Because they don't.
It's like a thicker boat. Yeah.
You know how you sometimes you see like... That's your nickname now is a thicker boat.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I love thicker boats. Because you, oh, yeah, you're a Chicago dog.
Yeah, you go to a fucking ball game, you get a fucking hot, you get that fucking weak-ass steamed bun. It's delicious.

Speaker 2 And the chili seeps through it and it gets destroyed in fucking three minutes. First of all, we don't put

Speaker 2 a chili dog is in a hot shit. 15 years they hold up.
Yeah, that's not good. That's good for your stomach.
No, it's not good for your stomach. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 15 years that thing will fucking, you can still eat it. So Jollibee is your favorite rude? Yeah.

Speaker 2 What do you get? What do you get? What do you get there?

Speaker 2 I get chicken or the spaghetti.

Speaker 2 This place sh serves Italian and then just chicken.

Speaker 2 No, that's it. You said it was a Filipino restaurant.

Speaker 2 I wouldn't consider it spaghetti. It's not Filipino.
It's noodles with some sort of, like, you know what I mean? Suspect sausage. Wait,

Speaker 2 why did you say it's a Filipino place? It's not a Filipino place. That's where it's from.
Jolly Beas? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And so, what do you mean? They just do a plate of spaghetti? No, there's different kinds. You can have a burger,

Speaker 2 spaghetti. What the fuck is this place?

Speaker 2 It's everything? It's burgers, spaghetti. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Chicken sandwich. Empanadas.
Can you get an empanada there? Yeah. Yeah, you can get empanadas.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 That's, you know,

Speaker 2 do never eat at a fucking restaurant that has three different fucking, you know what I mean? Three different ethnicities of food. Yeah, yeah.
Spaghetti, empanadas, and a burger. Yeah.
No.

Speaker 2 That's your favorite jollipi? Yeah. What else? Nothing else? Is that the one you like the most? McDonald's.
Yeah, everybody. What's your order at McDonald's?

Speaker 2 Chicken. Chicken again? She loves chicken.
Chicken nuggets. Chicken fuck up a chicken.
Yeah, I like chicken nuggets too. But I want everyone listening to me hear this.

Speaker 2 If you go to Taco Bell, there is something on the menu that's not on the menu, but that you can order and they have to make it for you. What is it called?

Speaker 2 It's one of the original things that Taco Bell made. It's called the En Chorito.
Enchorito. Right.
But it's not on the menu, but they have the ingredients for it. They're just hiding it.

Speaker 2 No, they just go, it's one of those things when I tell them to make that fucking eggplant tofu where they go,

Speaker 2 and they have to make it. They make it.
The enchorito. Yeah.
And it comes in a black fucking box.

Speaker 2 It's like a black plate. Really? Yeah, a plastic black plate.
Are you fucking with me, right?

Speaker 2 It's called the enchorito. Okay.
Basically what it is, it's fucking a bean burrito with ench with

Speaker 2 enchilada sauce on it. Or whatever the red sauce is.
A bean and cheese burrito with red sauce? Yeah. That sounds so good.

Speaker 2 Right, and you have to eat it with a fucking spork because they have sporks sporks there. Yeah, so what I do is I get the enchorito and I'll just fucking draw fire sauce on it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's pretty fucking good, man. Maybe I'll go get just an enchorito.
Get an enchorito, dude. Should we? They might not make it for you.
Why? Because I look like this? Maybe.

Speaker 2 Why would you get it and I wouldn't get it? Because they'll probably deny it. They deny it at first.
They'll make it a bit of a mess. Make it inch or no.

Speaker 2 Make the enchorito. Is there a secret password? What? You go, make it.
Oh, this just you flick them off. You flick them off.
That's that's it. Fucking make it.
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 You just flick them off and they make it for you? Yeah, they do. Well, we don't want to promote people flicking off people at Taco Bell.
No. Please don't do that.
But fast food is

Speaker 2 fast food, it's a good thing.

Speaker 2 I love it.

Speaker 2 I don't eat it all the time, but I don't. If you don't eat it all the time, if it's a daily thing,

Speaker 2 it's not good for you. But it's good.
I've been in

Speaker 2 an emergency before. Like a month or two, I'll go by and not eat any fast food.
But like, you know, you have to be somewhere at six.

Speaker 2 It's five o'clock. Yeah.
You've been working all day, like meetings or auditions or whatever, and you're getting that headache. Oh, I know that.
I know what you're talking about. That sugar headache.

Speaker 2 I don't have it right now. I have a headache because I haven't eaten all day.
Right. Yeah.
And thank you for being here. Being a bad friend.

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