Bobo's Magic Calf Cream

Llévate más de lo que esperas todos los días con el nuevo Mid Value en McDonald's.

Ahora puedes comprar uno y sumarle otro por un dólar.

Así que cuando tu equipo favorito enfrenta a sus rivales,

enfrenta tus antojos con $5.000.

Y si estás corriendo para alcanzar el desayuno,

corre a LA para llevarte ofertas antes del cut-off.

Tú decides.

Y con Mid Value, tu decisión siempre rinde más.

Precios y participación pueden variar.

Volga un dólar válido para un producto de igual o menor valor.

Debe estar registrado en Rewards para ofertas en el app. Or something.
We're bad friends. People in my house that I live with, they treat me like I'm a fucking ghetto son of all sons.
Could you imagine, what would you sell door-to-door if you could tour the country and sell stuff? What do you think you would sell? I would sell, um, I would sell ointments. Oils? Just for the calves.
Like when calves... Oh, calf ointment.
Yeah, you know how calves sometimes get sore-y-sore Do I? For fucking the daily activities like hauling rocks or mining or whatever you do.

Is this the pitch?

Or do karate kicks.

Is this the pitch?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, pitch me.

Do you ever – I would go, hello.

Hi.

My name would be Robert.

Hello, I'm Robert Young Lee.

That's my middle name.

Hi, Robert.

Hi, I'm Robert Young Lee.

And may I ask you some questions, sir?

Absolutely.

I've got nothing but time.

Are your calves sore?

How do you know that?

I'll pick Young Lee. And may I ask you some questions, sir? Absolutely.
I've got nothing but time. Are your calves sore? How do you know that? Yeah, because do you every day, as we go on to our daily businesses, and we walk mountaintops, and we climb cliffs solo.
I've been climbing a lot of cliffs. And then we also do reverse kung fu kicks to the suplexes to people.
Yes. And do you ever also do sidesteppings when you're dancing? Yeah.
You know in the country line, when you're in the country line and you do sidesteps? Yes. Do you ever do that? Do you ever go, instead of saying no, you do like, you know what I mean? You lift your leg up.
Yes. Yeah.
Of course. So when somebody says, have you ever seen Jungle Book the movie? You go, no.
But instead of saying you lift your leg up. No.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, I have the greatest ointment for you. Okay.
What is it? This is called Green Stuff. Green Stuff? Yeah, yeah.
And it's made from aloe and tree bark. And also, if you go deep in the Amazon, there's a mysterious tree called the carnivora tree.
The carnivora tree? Yeah. So it eats meat? The tree eats meat? Yeah, but if you – let me tell you, my friend.
We have a technology in hand. Oh, okay.
We take a machine, right? Buns and burn. You take bunsen burners? It's a machine based on the bunsen burner technique.
Got it. Right.
And then what we do is we slice over the artery of the base of the carnivore tree. So the tree has veins, so it has a blood running through it? Mm-hmm.
Wild. We take a technological a tech tube.
We call it technological tube. Sorry, I shouldn't shorten your stuff.
Yeah, thank you. But over a six month period, right, we slowly ionize the juices from the carnivore tree.
Whoa. Right.
Along with aloe and also along with angel wing dust. Where does the aloe come from?

I'll tell you where the angel wing dust comes from.

Did you know that some of our – we have a crew of people who die.

Everybody dies.

No.

We flatline on purpose like in the movie Flatliners.

Yes.

And what we do is we flatline for a split second. We only let them flatline for about 15 minutes because if you let them flatline more than that, they'll die or they'll become brain activity dead.
Brain activity dead. Right.
So what we do is we flatline some of our scientist teams, right? And in that 15 minutes, they're in heaven and they hunt down angels to create the angel wing dust. Wow.
So we shoot down angels. So you kill angels? Yes.
We kill someone to kill – Okay, sorry. My company – just listen, sir.
Let me tell you something, sir. I wasn't even going to stop by this house.
Why? I'm busy. I have to go to the corporate center and sell my product to Bezos.
Jeff Bezos? Yes. You were selling this product to Jeff Bezos? Well, he's not selling it

He wants it

I don't know

I haven't decided

Well, I want it

How much is it?

My point is that you're lucky to have it

So let me finish this

So for 15 minutes

My scientists, right?

We flatline

Okay

And then we hunt down angels

And then we do it delicately

With the same technology as we do as the carnivore tree

The Bunsen burners?

Well, yeah

And we have a clipping mechanism

Called Y'all Right

Y'all Right

Y'all Right clips

Let's go. same technology as we do as the carnivore tree.
The Bunsen burners? Well, yeah. And we have a clipping mechanism called Y'all Right.
Y'all Right? Y'all Right Clips. Oh, Y'all Right Clips.
Yeah, because they're very gentle on the angels. We don't kill the angels.
Well, they're already dead anyway. They're dead.
Yeah. Okay.
But we clip their wings, right? And they're very small. Angels are small? People don't realize how small.
People think the angels are human size. They're the size of little fairies.
Sometimes angels are the size of mosquitoes, so they're very difficult to catch. How do you delineate between an angel and a fairy? How do you know which one's which then? Well, fairies, because I'll tell you why.
Because fairies live on Middle Earth. Of course.
Or some sections of the Earth. Of course.
Right? And they're not angels. Angels are dead.
They live in heaven. But are fairies dead? But when fairies die, they turn into the mosquito-sized angels.
Oh. Right.
Okay. And those ones we capture as well.
We clip the ear. We clip the wings.
Some ears. Right? But mostly wings.
Mostly for the dust. And we get the dust.
Right. With the carnivorous tree extract.
Right. And the aloe.
Mm-hmm. We combine this ointment.
We call green stuff. The green stuff, I remember.
Right, right, right. And you just gently inject them into your calves.
Into my calves. Yeah, you don't rub it on the surface.
Okay. We stick it in a syringe.
Oh, it goes inside my – Yes. In the muscle.
You inject it. Okay.
Right. Now, I'll tell you what.
In the beginning, you won't feel well. I'm going to be sick? No, you won't be able to walk for six months.
Six months? Yeah. So one half year? One half year.
One half year, I can't use my legs. And your calves will petrify a bit They'll turn actually A lot of people think that They'll turn stone They'll turn into stone Yeah but almost like a hard quartz rock Huh Do you ever see the movie Or the TV show Chernobyl? Yes Those little quartz rocks they find on the Yeah That's That's my legs.
That's what it'll feel like.

There'll be radiation as well.

Wow.

And people around you might get cancer.

Okay.

Yeah.

But will it make my calves feel better?

But in six months, I'll tell you what, you'll run like that African-American runner, Carl Lewis.

Carl Lewis?

Yeah. Are you a salesman from 40 years ago? Do you mean Usain Bolt? Usain Bolt Will I run like him? Hey sir Sir Before you go Before you go I have not told you the price Oh how much? Yeah yeah yeah 44.50.
$4.5 million. $4.5 million? Yes.
How many injections do I get? One. So one, that's it.
One injection, and in six months, you will run like Hussein Bolt. Hussein? Or Usain? Whatever.
Or Usain? Well, you're not from where you're from, Jamaica. I'm from Jamaica, yes.
Well, I'm from the section of Jamaica where he is from. Oh, you are? Yeah, Tatao Village.
And in Tatao Village, we call him Hussein because that's the common tongue. Hussein.
That's right. Like Saddam.
Much like it. Okay.
Yeah, much like it. So 5.4 million? Yep.
4.5 million? Yeah, and we only receive cash. Oh, you only take cash? We only take cash.
Even during the pandy? Yeah. Can I just Venmo you? Well, it's usually $12.5.
That's the thing. Oh, so you're giving me a discount.
Half off. More than half off.
60% off. Yeah.
Well, where do I sign up? Green stuff. And you don't get it right away.
I need the cash up front. You don't get it right away.
When do I get it? We're still, we have two scientists Oh, so it's not, you don't have it yet? In heaven right now catching angels. No, we have some, but we sold out.
Bezos. Bezos has all of it.
Bezos has one. Yeah.
He paid $15 million, but you know. How have you turned Jeff Bezos into a Spanish guy? Bezos.
Before you go, can I talk to you about something? Yeah, go ahead. You have something to sell me? What is it? Have you ever been introduced to your Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ? No, what is that? I've never heard of that.
You don't know who that is? No. He's a wonderful little man.
Is he little? He's very tiny. Is he a dwarf? Smaller.
Oh. He takes away...
Pigmy? Huh? Pigmy dwarf? Well, it's a new name now. It's not called pigmy anymore because that's offensive to pigs.
Oh, my bad. It's called muskrat dwarf.
A muskrat dwarf. A muskrat dwarf.
Muskrat dwarf. That's right.
They're very tiny. I have to Google that later.
You can. Yes.
He has very little sharp pointy ears. He hears and sees everything.
He takes away all of your pain and all you need to do today is to commit to me all of your secrets and I'll take away all of your pain forever. Great.

So may I give you some secrets?

Please.

Okay.

Is there a, because I've seen movies.

Yeah.

Are there booths?

Are there booths for the secrets?

Is there a booth that I can go in where I can close the door and there's like a little

curtain thing?

Little do you know you're being protected right now by an invisible booth.

Literally nobody can hear you within five feet.

Yeah.

Watch this.

Okay.

Say, say to her, say you suck.

Just say it out loud right now.

You suck.

Didn't even hear it. She didn't hear it.
Didn't hear it. You're in a booth.
You're in a private booth with me. Okay, here we go then.
Tell me your secret. All right.
So in, not a big deal. No, not at all.
Not a big deal. Hold on one second.
Yeah, yeah. I have to just record this on my phone.
Go ahead. In 1997.
Yeah. I decided to become a, I got a job offer for being a school bus driver in Thailand.
Okay. Yeah.
And I signed up, applied, went to Thailand. And the bus, it wasn't a yellow school bus.
What color are they? This was a white. It looked like a van.
Like a van with no windows? Yes, a van with no windows. That's a bad school bus.
So I would go and pick up the kids for school. Okay.
Yeah, and we would jam about 60 kids in the back of this van. 60 kids? We would lay them down like sardines.
On top of each other? They're crying. It doesn't matter.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It turns out it was, unbeknownst to me, a human trafficking business.
Yes. Yes.
Did you get in trouble for that? Well, once I found out it was one, I quit after that first job. Okay.
Yeah. Well, then.
Delivered the kids. One second.
Yeah. Let's go! Fly in! The green sauce man! The green sauce man! We got him! Hey, you know what I watched all night last night? I got a new show for you guys.

Oh, my God.

What is it?

Alone.

Do you know Alone?

On Netflix, 10 people are put out in the middle of the Arctic, in the middle of nowhere,

thousands of miles north in northern Canada.

Why?

In the Arctic Circle. Why?

They're given 100 days to survive on their own using 10 items, and if they can do it,

they get a half a million dollars.

It's like naked and afraid, but in the cold.

But way cooler.

Are they naked?

No, they got clothes on.

Not as cool.

Why does naked and afraid have to be about naked people?

Because in naked and afraid.

First things first, your penis gets bit.

I'm out.

I'm going home.

That's it.

The first mosquito, suck in my dick blood, I'm gone.

Wait, let me. Is this? Oh, so this is a reality show.
It real people this is real it's a documentary it's a docu-series oh it is yes oh well then that's cool it's awesome you said that there was a movie no new show it's a new show listen i thought you said alone i thought you alone was kind of like lost like a scripted show no and then so in my head i'm is that cooler than, because that's, what's real is naked and afraid, but you're saying that alone is real people. Real people.
Going out in the Arctic with clothes. Yep.
10 items of their own. They get 10 items, and they have to survive.
A hundred days. Through the Arctic winter.
Can they bring their own foods? No. What do they eat? Polar bear blabber? Polar bear blabber.
What do they eat? Well, there's all sorts of stuff up there. There's elk.
There's mountain lion. There's deer.
There's a muskrat. A guy ate a muskrat.
There's squirrels. Do they bring their own tents? They can bring tarps, not tents.
So you can make a tent. What's the difference between a tarp and a tent? Big difference between a tarp and a tent.
It's like I live in a house. You go in a house you go hey Bobby where do you live a house but then it turns out to be a condominium same thing it's not even remotely close to being the same thing a tarp and a tent are two different things a tent is pre-built as a tent a tarp is a tarp what is a tarp it's just a big piece of material that you can use in a million different ways a tent is a it's a fucking tent can a tarp turn into a teepee tent like the back of my boys did? Can.
Can. But is a teepee tent a tent? Teepee's a teepee.
No, they call them tents sometimes. No, they call them teepees.
Some tribes do. Which ones? The Mohawkin.
Oh, Mohawkins do. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe then. So what you're saying is that they take a tarp.
They take a tarp and turn it into a tent. They turn it into a tent.
A teepee. They can start a fire.
They have fire mechanisms? Mm-hmm. So they have flints, you know, fire starters.
Okay, I get what they are. One guy forgot one and he had to do the bow and arrow, you know, the bow thing? Yeah, didn't work.
Forever. No, it's so stupid.
It was really funny to watch that. Yeah, yeah.
And he's like, my hands. Yeah.
I know, they always do that too. Yeah, because it gets sore from this.
Like in Naked and Afraid, if they don't have a flint, there's always one guy that goes, bro, I've started 10,000 fires with a stick and a piece of, you know what I mean, bark. Can't.
And then when they get out there, I don't know why it's not working. And their partner's just looking at them like this, like, you fucking son of a bitch, you gotta fucking get a flint.
Yeah, it's so, just bring the fire starter thing. So they can bring 10 things, and then they can only survive off of the land.
Yeah. I also love a naked afraid when like because everyone gets to choose, you know, a survival thing.
What do you mean? Like you get a pot, I guess, and like, you know, but then you get one choice. Oh, yeah.
You can bring along another item. One thing.
So one guy's like, I brought my machete. Right.
And the other partner's like, I brought a pencil. And they're like, why? In case we need to take notes.
This is many uses. I'd like to draw some of the leaves.
And when you get an infection, I can draw the blood. Yeah, I mean, like, and then they get upset.
Yeah, no, everyone's bringing like an axe or a knife or a machete. I do love Naked and Afraid because they give people PSRs.
Your primitive survival rating is 8.6. What would yours be? 0.7? 0.7.
What would yours be? Way higher than you. Out of 10.
You have no fucking survival skills whatsoever. Insane.
Insane. At the very start.
You don't want to start a fire. Yup.
With a lighter probably and gasoline. Yeah.
No, but what I'm saying, you could... I can start it with a flip.
If I dropped you off in the middle of the Amazon with nothing, you'd be able to start a fire. Not with nothing.
No, I can't. These fuckers can? No, they can't.
They always have to have something to start off. You need something to start...
No, I've seen dudes go, I don't need it because I have a fucking... I can get a stick and I know how to do it.
I know what rocks you use. I can't do the smoke thing.
I can't... Well, then either can I.
So that goes against you. Okay, but I...
Okay, let's do my points then. I'm athletic, which helps tremendously.
Fat dudes survive longer. No, they don't.
You have to hunt game. How can you hunt game if you're fat? Bro, a lady did two fucking Naked Afraid's.
Yeah. Vegetarian.
No. Yes.
One lady did the 40-day challenge. Yeah.
Vegetarian. And she refused to eat any fish.
She's dead now. No, she's not.
She's dead now. She had sepsis and died.
I read that article. She doesn't exist anymore.
No, she did exist, but now because she has no nutrients, she could be just in and out of— She floats in and out of our universe. Our universe, yeah.
Okay, I'm also—athletic is a huge thing. No, conserving fat is a huge thing.
I've seen fat dudes. Your fat is concentrated into one area.
Yeah. It needed to be spread out.
Your arms aren't fat. It's on my dick, baby.
No, it's not. It's on your dick.
It's on my dick, baby. Your dick fat looks like a lava lamp.
It's like fat here, skinny, fat here, fat, skinny, skinny, fat. Oh my God.
Your penis looks like an anal bee. You know what your fucking penis looks like? If you opened up Trump's dick and just took out one of his veins is what your dick would look like.
Okay. That's dope.
What do you mean? It's a big, thick vein. No, not a thick vein.
Thick vein. Look at a dick.
Yeah. Trump's dick.
Look at Trump's dick, right? Fine. And those little dicks, not little dicks, but the little veins in the dick that's what your dick looks like

There's not a bigger dick in his dick

She hates this. I know.
She's so grossed out

Rudy, I'm sorry

You're grossed out by his talk about Trump's peepee?

Kind of. Offensive, no less

Yeah, I tried to go bowling

yesterday and they

are closed down in it because the country's

closing down again. What do you mean?

What do you mean?

I've reopened

Really? Oh yeah, I've gotten to three raves. Where? Up in the fucking Temecula.
Seriously, have you gotten to a rave? Three of them. I was the only one there.
People got mad at me because I said, I've been really good during the pandy. The only thing I've been doing is I've been playing on Craigslist.
I'm part of this group, and we play tackle football with strangers in the park, and it's no pants. It's shirts but no pants.
Is that bad? People got so mad. Really funny.
They're like, that's irresponsible. That's really funny.
But it's just a group of buds. Yeah.
And we just meet up every Sunday right here, Balboa Park, and we just hang out. And you know why it's no pants, by the way? Because you can't run in jeans.
It's impossible to play football in jeans. You gotta have no pants.
Also, we used to have a rule where you couldn't tackle by the dick. You can now.
Well, people are mad at me because I do every Saturday I do an escape room. I do an escape room.
Where is it? It's over there in Los Feliz. I do an escape room 100 people you're right it's all my friends 100 people you know them all and we wear masks when we get there but in the escape room you can't because you have to communicate yeah you need to talk you need to talk how do we get into that fucking opening up there right hey Raul you know what I mean let's solve this together.
And so 15 of us will huddle together

and just stare at a little mechanism

and just figure out what buttons to press.

Is it really hot in there?

Super hot.

So you're sweating like crazy.

Yeah, yeah.

And there's no,

because it's an escape room,

there's no ventilation.

People get so mad about that.

I don't know why.

Why?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And one escape room,

it took us 12 hours to get out of, right?

And the last bit of it is us.

About 30 of us at a time

have to shimmy

in a tube

together.

You have to take your clothes off as well.

Of course. And you have to shimmy.

And they blow smoke in there.

It's a fire.

It's like a

backdraft kind of a theme

oh I love that movie

right

so you love

so the smoke is

you cough

right

and you're shimmying

shimmying

naked

right

but you know

we stopped doing it

last Saturday

it's over now

because of the

you know

the hysteria

yeah I know

trust me

it's crazy

can I take you guys

to a restaurant

we went to a new restaurant

it's fucking phenomenal

what's it called

it's called Mama Bird

there's no way

have you heard of Mama Bird

do you guys know about this

I just said there's no way. How, how, how, how, how.
No, no. It's delicious.
It's so good. Is it for chicken? No, Mama Bird is like a, it's like a, I'd say Americana bistro.
And what happens is the chef comes out, greets you. She takes your, takes your order She recommends stuff.
And she cooks it, brings it back to the table. And then she chews it and spits it in your mouth.
It is the best restaurant. It's some of the most delectable.
None of the nutrients are gone. You still get all the nutrients.
It's so good. I literally thought you were being real.
Okay, Mama Bird. That's Mama Bird.
Wow. It's so good.
Apparently, the reason that she pre-chews it for you is because a lot of times, do you know how many people choke and die at restaurants in the United States of America? 30,000. Mama Bird.
Wait, this restaurant, it's in Arizona, right? Yes. It's in downtown Phoenix.
Downtown Phoenix. Yes.
Go to Mama Bird. Mama Bird, downtown Phoenix.
And her name is Gladys the Chef, and she will chew and spit in your mouth your food because so many people choke and die in restaurants. 30,000 a year.
She's cutting that number down to nothing. Yeah.
You can't choke on it when it's pre-chewed. Pretty cool.
Can I tell you a bad story? There's another restaurant that I go to. Oh, what is it? Yeah, it's called The Exotic.
The Exotic? Yes. It's a great restaurant.
Well, it's pretty far. It's in Wuhan.
In Wuhan? Oh, Wuhan, China. Yeah.
Oh, I love that spot. It's called The Exotic.
And they only serve bats. Really? Yes.
But what's great about it, they catch bats. Oh, they catch them.
They catch them, right? Uh-huh. Right? Uh-huh.
And while they're alive, they just slice meat like a sashimi. They don't cook it.
Why would you cook it? Why? Right. That's the question.
People cook their bats. People cook their bats.
They bad they boil it no stupid no need they're in the belly of the bat is where the fat the belly bean is you know what i mean yeah the fat is like total like yeah it's like right it's like the world and you just slow you're right while the bat's still alive he's still alive yeah yeah yeah and he's saying stuff like i got covid what does that mean that mean? I don't know. Okay.
That's the noise. I don't know if you know, but that's the noise a bat makes.
Oh. Because I go to this restaurant, and when you cut open the bat's belly, it goes, I got COVID.
Really? Yeah. COVID, indeed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.
Sometimes it goes, kung-floo. Sometimes.
Don't miss your chance to spring into deals at Lowe's. Right now, get five select one-pint annuals for just $5.
Plus, get a free 60-volt Toro battery when you purchase a select 60-volt Toro electric mower. With deals like these, your yard wins.

Shop in-store or online today.

Lowe's, we help. You save.

Valid through 430, while supplies last.

Actual plant size and selection varies by location.

Excludes Hawaii.

Hey there, travelers. Kaylee Cuoco here.

Sorry to interrupt your music, great artist BT-dubs, but wouldn't you rather be there to hear it live? With Priceline, you can get out of your dreams and into your dream concert. They've got millions of travel deals to get you to that festival, gig, rave, sound bath, or sonic experience you've been dreaming of.
Download the Priceline app today, and you can save up to 60% off hotels and up to 50% off flights. So don't just dream about that trip.
Book it with Priceline. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile.
I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same premium wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities.
So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to do at mint mobile.com slash switch up front payment of 45 for three-month plan equivalent to 15 per month required intro rate first three months only then full price plan options available taxes and fees extra default terms at mint mobile.com can i tell you a really weird story about a choking on food by the way this is so mean we have a family friend this is so Is this real or not? Swear to God.
No, this is real. No more joke.
All right. His wife.
From now on, let's be real. Okay.
No more lies and all that stuff. No problem.
Okay, go ahead. His wife was eating lunch in his office.
Right in front of him. And choked to death on a chicken bone.
Died? Died. Was eating chicken wings and died in his office came to see her husband for lunch and died and this this is crazy and one time someone in my family forgot his name right and she's trying to reference him and she's like you know dad's buddy i'm like i don't know who you're talking about and she goes chicken bone chicken no really and i was like don't that's so mean yeah his wife died from a chicken bone and it got lodged in her throat so you know what we don't we don't have chicken anymore in our house this This is not a lot.
We have a cousin.

Yeah.

I'm serious, by the way.

That's a real story.

I'm serious.

Yeah.

And my dad calls him Smash.

Why?

Because my cousin was smashed in a fucking car accident and died.

Like flattened? Yeah, so he didn't know the name.

So he goes, you know Smash.

I go, Dad, Jennifer you mean? Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, Smash Jennifer.
I made that story up. Smenifer.
I made that story up. That's a fake story? I lied, yeah.
Look into the camera and say it wasn't real. It wasn't real.
Eh, fuck it. Car accident stuff is creepy and gross.
I don't know why I just did that. I apologize.
Sometimes I lie. About Jennifer's.
Sometimes I do deceive. Sometimes.
Sometimes. The song was good last week, huh? Oh, my God.
People love the song. You know what I suck about it? You know what I hate about the comments? What? The song's great, but when Andrew kicks in, that's when it becomes really funny.
Mm-hmm. You got another song you want to play? No, I don't have my iPad.
No, I'm not doing another song, but I'm just saying. You're not doing another song? I wrote the music of that song.
Not that hard. Yeah.
Daddy, Why You Die. Daddy, Why You Die.
Daddy, Why You Die. I write the music.
Yeah, you did. I'm the one that, I tell Jules, I asked Jules, I was in the car, right? Like before you got there because you were late and I go, you know what I mean? Trying to compose, you know what I mean? Yeah.
And then you come in and you kick in with pretty good improv. Better than yours.
It's true. Don't be sad, Bob.
You're better than me. Don't be sad.
You're all better than me. No, we're not.
Yeah. I get a call the other day.
Mm-a-ling-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.

Ring-a-ling-ding-ding-ding. Yeah, and I go, hello,

it's my, you know, my agent's at CAA.

And they go,

you like to play video games?

I go, yeah. And they go, well, they want you to play

Apex Legends.

And I go, what is that? They say it's like

Warzone, but it's more cartoony.

And I go, okay. And they go, you're going to play with a bunch of other comedians.
Ron Funchess. Love.
Eric Griffin. Love.
You know Jackie Cation? Yeah, she's great. I love Jackie.
Brian Poussaint. Yeah.
And maybe some other. There's a thinking maybe Sarah Silverman.
And I go, okay, how much? You have to play 11 hours. 11 11 straight? yeah why? what would be the purpose of that? you're streaming it oh they're live streaming it on their site like Twitch? on Twitch? yeah Twitch I think and then you're playing Apex Legends for 11 hours and I do that anyway with Warzone so I said fuck it let's just do it 11 hours straight? yeah but you know what I think there's breaks like I have to take with Warzone.
So I said, fuck it. Let's just do it.
11 hours straight? Yeah. But you know what? I think there's breaks.
Like, I have to take a shit. I'm not going to take a shit on fucking Twitch.
Shit break! Yeah, and then, so they'll probably take me cigarette breaks. Yeah, they definitely got to have cigarette breaks.
And you're doing it out of your house, which is going to be cool. You're filming it on your computer? No, in my house.
They're coming over to install a bunch of fucking technology.

Wow.

I don't know if we're able to keep that technology, but that'd be fucking cool.

It's a dream situation.

Yeah, to get paid to play video games.

It's like getting paid to fucking sleep.

Which is kind of...

Hey, we're going to come over and just hook up some mechanisms in the bed.

You won't even feel it.

You do get paid to sleep.

You sleep in for the most of the day.

You're getting paid for some of that day.

From what? Who's paying me?

Everything that you've ever done.

Oh, that is true in the sense. We have

shadow money coming. Shadow money.

Dude, you get checks like,

you know, you did an El Pollo Loco commercial,

you know what I mean? And they kind of did a snippet

of it in Brazil.

So here's $10. It's a nice little

$10 check. Yeah, I mean, you get like weird money.

I get a couple.

I have one on the way from...

From what?

From The Disaster Artist.

Good.

Yeah, it's a little bit of money.

It's not bad.

What's the most...

What's a movie...

The biggest residual check?

What's a movie that you still get residual checks on?

Not movie, but I still get checks from This Is Us, that TV show. Oh, you do? I did the pilot.
I still get checks. Wow.
It's like five years ago. I don't even know what it is now.
And they're bigger than they should be. They're bigger than when I really was in something.
Right. I was just a little guest star.
I want to ask you something. Yeah.
How come you haven't brought up soccer at all? This is a big – isn't this big for soccer right now? What do you mean? Liverpool won the EPL? Yeah, isn't that amazing? I tried to watch, I think Man U played, I forgot who they played, but I was watching it, and it just, because there's no audience, and because there was a disruption to the season, and because we already knew Liverpool was going to win the whole fucking thing. It doesn't matter.
I was just like, I'm done. I want to wait until the EPL starts again, and then i want to see what happens in the transfer window i also want to see if there's going to be actually an audience probably not and i want to say that let's talk real for a second you know regardless if you feel like you know we should open everything up or if you're like me who thinks that it was a little too soon.
Listen, I want to listen to everyone's perspective. Everyone has a right to have their own opinion about any issue.
But facts are facts. And we are at a rise right now.
In Texas it's bad. Here.
We lead the country in new cases. It's fucking insane.
In Florida it's bad. It's bad in LA.
In Texas it's bad. Here.
We lead the country in new cases.

It's fucking insane. In Florida it's

bad. It's bad in pockets

in different pockets of the country.

And there's no

let up. No I know.

And when they say that the world has

changed it has.

From now on. We don't know

now when comedy clubs are going to open.

There's no way to know.

Probably never.

All the way?

Yeah, all the way.

Who knows?

Two years, three years,

four years?

Especially in LA.

I mean,

they were thinking

that July was going to be...

I know, I remember that.

They remember what?

July, the store will open.

After the holiday,

we'll be back.

Yeah, yeah,

and we're not.

Not even close,

we're the opposite.

And so,

that's why I like

when they called me for this video game thing, I'm also doing like, mandel called me and guys you know usually you know he's so proactive yeah he's like hey i'm doing this other you know i mean reality show i'm like i'll just do it what reality show you're doing it's not a reality but it's like a game show kind of a thing you know what i mean what is it i don't even know what it is but it's like with you eric stoneestead and the other lady that's on Modern Family what's her name Julie Bowen no the Hispanic lady Sofia Vergara yeah Sofia Vergara wait what's her what is it Sofia Vergara he goes yeah it's Sofia Vergara and Eric Stonestead from Modern Family I go it's just me too and they go yeah and it's one of those just like game shows. That's fun.
It could be fun. I go, ah, I'll do it.
Normally I would like not do it. Well, I would ignore his call maybe.
I love Howie Mandel, but every time it's a business thing. But isn't that good if he's calling you for business? It's always like, you know what I mean? So I have a show idea.
You, Joe Koi, Santino, you're naked. You're in a bucket.
Yes, yes, yes. There's score points.
Yes, yes. And the Eva Longoria.
Great. So if you're a long-long-long, right? From Modern Family, right? They're judging you, but they're doing accents.
You have to pretend what they're saying. You have to figure it out, right? Sign me up.
And then the audience choose. And it's always something like that.
And I'm always writing notes. Like, okay like okay bucket santino right and then i'll see it a week later and i won't understand the notes it'll say bucket santino evil and it'll say crowd and points yeah and i'll go i have no idea what the fuck that is right yeah so it's always i love him yeah out of all those old school guys i have to say out of all those old school guys, I have to say, out of all those old school guys, you know, I love Louie Anderson.
Louie is... You know Louie? Come on.
Yeah, he's the best. Honestly? Yeah.
His role in baskets was one of the coolest things I've ever seen in my life. He was so funny as Zach's mom.
But let me take it back one step. What? The reason I respect guys like that, like Howie's work ethic, like you're talking about, you're talking about a guy who's been in the game for so fucking long and done so much.
Dude, Bobby's world. I know.
Was so good. Was so unique for a guy to do like that, that was a standup that could do 10 different other things.
That was pretty incredible, man. There is also a kid in me that's like, I remember when I was, I think in middle school and I was watching HBO or something and I was a kid.
And I remember watching like Howie Mandel in a young comedian special or something like that. And he would – you know what I mean? Hey, I got a black head.
He would pick up a black mannequin head and stick it on his face. And I remember like as a kid just gut crying, right? And then it's just like – this sounds cheesy.
But, you know, so when he calls, right, there is that kid inside me that goes, there's that guy that I watched. You know what I mean? Of course.
And I thought he was so great. And then I love also Dice too because I just kind of grew up watching him.
Well, they reconnect with the point of your childhood. Yes.
That's like so like – that makes you feel so happy. Like, dude, when I worked with Jim Carrey on the Showtime show, we were having drinks and dinner one night.
Yeah. And I'll never forget in the middle of him talking.
Yeah. I was like just buzzed enough where I was watching his lips and I was watching his lips and it looked like he was doing the Ace Ventura mouth.
You know, like, yeah. And it like reinvigorates that that memory from your brain as a kid.
Oh, my God. It is weird.
It's weird when you get to work or befriend people that you loved. I'm so intimidated by him.
I remember when they were doing audition. He came to the comedy store to see people perform.
I was on the lineup. They showed I know.
They had showed me. And he came up to me and he goes, hey, buddy, fucking hilarious.
Right? And I went, ha, ha, ha, ha. Thank you.
Thank you. Yeah, yeah.
And then when Mitzi's funeral, in Mitzi's funeral, so Al Madrigal goes, you know, everyone's there, right? Yeah. So Al Magical goes, hey, man, let's just sit over here to the side.
But for some reason, when we sat down, all the cool comics sat with us. So first Bill Burr, right, and a couple of other people.
And then Jim Carrey walks. And there's a gap between me, Bill Burr, and a bunch of people.
Jim Carrey sits right next to me. I go, Smurfs, and are you? I'm so sad.
We funeral. I'm so sad.
I'm so sad. Right.
And he takes his hand, and he puts it on my back, and he kind of just rubs it. Oh, nice.
And I'm just guy is so fucking cool he's very connected he's like a really cool connective kind of you can tell he he um you could tell he's very in the moment he's very present yeah yeah i embarrassed myself when i asked him one time i said jim where do you uh where are you living now and he's so stupid Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he was like, um, I'm kind of everywhere, man.

And I was like, I'm kind of everywhere, man. And I was like, I know, why? Why did you ask that? Why am I asking a billionaire where he lives? Why did you ask that? They live wherever they need to live.
He lives, he can live here, he can live there, he can live in LA for half the year, he can live in Canada for half of the year. Yeah, it's funny.
I get nervous, like, a lot socially. I only get nervous.
I just don't know what to say. Well, it's also because I get nervous around people that I really respect.
Yeah. It doesn't matter if you're famous.
Yeah. If I respect your work and I know that you've done stuff that I'm like, wow, you're very good at something.
Yeah. Whatever it is, musicians, athletes, you know, someone that's, anybody who's great at something, I'm always like, I don't know what I'm supposed to say to you.
Because I know they don't want to talk a lot to some guy that's like, hey, you're talking basketball, LeBron? And he's like, yeah. And you're like, basketball, LeBron? What am I supposed to, there is, we don't have anything in common.
Or when you're, sometimes what happens is when you're on a TV show, and sometimes like an actor will direct. Oh yeah, that happens a lot.
Fred Savage directed me a few times. Right, so when I was on Spling Up Together, I just show up on set on a Monday and I realize, I go, I know this director.
And it was Helen Hunt. Shut up.
No, I'm not kidding. Wild.
And so I walked up to her and I go, I love Twister. I don't know why.
I don't know why. Why? Out of all her jobs.
You love the fucking tornado movie? Out of all her jobs. That's the one.
I love Twister. How stupid did you feel? I felt so stupid.
She's like, yeah, that was a tough job, long hours. She's like, yeah, I've done a lot of movies.

And for some reason, like, I would, like, she was a little distant.

Well, after the twister comment?

Yeah.

No, yeah, yeah.

She was very distant to me, right?

And then, like, it got to the point where her notes were just, just say it faster or whatever it might be, right?

She didn't want to talk to me.

But then what happened was she took my, so she, I guess, the producers greg who's a friend of mine right um had his office and i'm just i have the kind of relationship where i could just walk in sure right so but she had he had told her you could just have my office while you're working here so i just barged into his office like what's up like i don't even know who's in it and she's sitting there with her assistant and they're on their computer and they're on a conference call and they're taking notes and they're really serious and i go what's up helen like i had to switch it yeah you know like improvise because Greg was there in your mind. Yeah, yeah.
What's up, Greg? What's up, Ellen? She's like, I'm working. Get out.
Okay. I'm Bobby.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God.
I'm working. I'm Bobby.
It was terrible. Get out.
It was terrible. Yeah, those moments are only because when you respect someone, you feel stupid.
You wouldn't feel stupid if you didn't really care. Yeah.
If it was just a regular nobody that you're like, I don't fucking know. It's fine.
I'll just feel like, oh, my bad. Sorry, I made a mistake.
Yeah. It's when you respect someone, you feel foolish when you make a stupid mistake like that.
One of my dreams is this. If I ever die, let's say there is a heaven.
If you ever die, you're going to die. But if I die, when I die, and my brother dies, and we're in heaven, one of my dreams, this is never going to happen, but I would love to go to God or whoever is in charge.

There's probably like a point person.

I bet there's a committee.

Or there's probably somebody that's designated, like an angel that's designated to you.

You don't get a direct line to God.

Jesus.

Right, and you go, I wouldn't want to go, hey, is there any way that I can look at my brother's best of tape? He's like, what do you mean? Like all his just awkward mishaps. Yeah.
Compile. Just a compilation over the years.
And my brother and I just want to sit there and watch it. I know that my brother and I will laugh so fucking hard.

And then my brother will say the same.

I'm going to see Bobby's best of tape.

Just all the awkward, fuck-ups, weird moments.

How he tried to like, you know what I mean?

You're a blooper reel.

Yeah, I'm a blooper reel.

At Firestone Complete Auto Care,

we hold our service to the highest standard.

That's why we have thousands of ASE-certified

expert technicians nationally.

So if you're looking at the podcast, Firestone Complete Auto Care, we hold our service to the highest standard. That's why we have thousands of ASE certified expert technicians nationally.

So if you're looking for car service that's got your back on the road,

choose the place that treats every car like their own and every customer like family.

Don't wait any longer. Call your local Firestone Complete Auto Care and book your next appointment today.

Hilton brings you new ways to stay.

With experiences, we'll let you capture the glory days.

Introducing the Graduate Hotels.

Each inspired by local college towns, these stays are always original and never boring.

Get in touch with traditions all across the country and enjoy a stay that's a class above the rest. Book at graduate hotels with Hilton honors points at Hilton.com.
It's a win-win. Hilton for the stay.
I know every operating system like the back of my head. I have five years of experience and have worked with several people from your company.
I've been recognized for my passion. My team is everything.
LinkedIn delivers candidates who rise above the rest. With an up-to-date view into shared connections, skills, and interests, you won't find anywhere else.
See why 86% of small businesses who post a job on LinkedIn get a qualified candidate within a day. Post a job for free at linkedin.com slash achieve.
LinkedIn, your next great hire is here. I wish we all got to see our own blooper reel to just laugh at that.
Like right before you die, if you saw all the dumbest dumb shit that you've ever done, like what, like, like you want to talk about it here. I'll just remember the embarrassing moment the other day because we were, when we were watching alone, the guy almost fell into the fire that he made.
Right. And it brought me back immediately to when we were camping in – we were in northern Illinois or Wisconsin somewhere, right? There was a girl – I was probably in junior high.
There was a girl that I had a huge crush on. Okay? And everyone is like goofing around by the fire.
And it's getting late. And we're all young, dumb teenagers.
And people are like jumping over the fire or throwing stuff in it to make it get bigger.

You know?

You know what I mean?

When it's like just to get it lit up or throw kerosene in it or something.

And this girl was there and I was like, I can jump from like outside of the rocks all the way across.

Like it was a bigger gap.

I'm not kidding at all.

Okay?

The parents are like inside the house of whoever we're with.

And I'm trying to show off this girl and I'm like, no, I can fucking. Dude, I jump and my foot hits the rock, one of the rocks outside.
And I face plant into the fire. Into the fire.
Luckily, I roll out as fast as I can. Everyone is dying.
I mean, dying laughing. No one's concerned.
No one's, oh no. Everyone's, ah.
What happened to you? No, I was fine. Just I was the biggest fucking loser the biggest fucking loser for the rest of time.
Everyone laughed. Nobody tried to help me.
I would have burned to death and they would have laughed the whole fucking time. Because I thought it was going to be cool in front of the girl to jump over the fire.
Like a moron. Is that impressive when boys try to do dumb stuff to show off? Boys do that.
When you're younger like 12, 13 younger, right? Like 12, 13-year-old boys, you think you're cool and you want to do something like that. And then for the rest of the time, right? For the rest of the time, you're like, that guy's a loser, right? Yeah, see? I did this once at a restaurant just years ago.
And I was at a restaurant. I was by myself.
Yeah. And this beautiful, this is way before Kalilah.
This beautiful, I don't know why I remember this. Because it was so embarrassing.
Yeah. So this girl walks in and she looks right at me and she goes hi like that.
So I go I do a silly hi. Like I go like I do a finger.
What are you the Fonz? Like I know you you know what I mean? Yeah. And it's one of those situations where she was obviously waving to somebody in back of me.
Oh, no. Right? So I do this, and I turn around, and there's a guy that stands up and goes, hey, you know, Sally or whatever.
And I'm standing like this, right? But in my mind, right, I go, I'm going to pretend someone's behind her. So I go, and she looks at me.

I go, no, not you.

Right?

But there was no one behind her.

She turned around.

There was literally no one behind her.

So I was like, the paranormal.

There's a ghost.

She goes over to the dude.

She's like, that poor schizophrenic Asian boy.

I looked so crazy because not only did I do that, but I go like that, and there's no one there. Oh, my God.
Oh, God. Hey, me? No.
I know. You, her.
Yeah. But now when people wave to me, even if I know them, even if I know them, I don't do a thing right away.
Why? Just in case? I just go. in case it's not for you I'm not kidding you because you get nervous I think there's been 10 times in my life that that's happened where because also when you you get maybe I'm narcissistic but especially when you're a comedian yeah because people come up to you right you're at a Starbucks people often will say hi people will go, what's up, dude? I'm a fan of your podcast or Mad TV or whatever it might be, right? Sure.
And I'm cool about it. I go, thanks, dude, or whatever, right? But it's like sometimes people will just go, smile at you.
And you don't want to be rude. So you smile back.
But you do? Yeah, no, I smile back. Yeah, yeah.
I smile back. You have to.
You have to smile back. But if – But now I'm a little more...
You're weary? No, if they smile, I just... There is an awareness.
Have you ever had it where somebody knows who you are at like a coffee shop or a place you go to all the time and you don't know their name? You know when you go enough? Oh, yeah. And you don't know their name? Oh, yeah, yeah.
And it feels really bad when they're like, hey, all right, Bobby, take it easy, man. And I'm there all the time.
No. Because I'm there all the time.
I don't feel bad about that. I don't give a fuck.
I say, thanks, dude. There's a captain.
You can say chief. I should know his name.
No, you don't. Oh, no.
I see him every day. Do you know his name now? No.
Yeah. He hears this.
Next time I go in, he's like, what? Yeah. What do you want? My brother worked at a fucking coffee bean on Sunset Boulevard and Ardmore.
Oh, yeah. I know.
Yeah. I think Ardmore.
No, Las Palmas. Yeah.
So Las Palmas. Yeah.
No. In Hollywood.
Yeah. In Hollywood.
Right. And he used to work with this guy named Donnie.
Fucking Donnie. Donnie, right? And Donnie would always, like, fucking drop names.
Like famous people? Yeah, but they weren't famous. Hey, man, fuck, you can't even believe who came in here, man.
You're not going to fucking believe who came in here, man. Charlie Sheen Stand-In, man.
Charlie Sheen Stand-In, man! I got a photo with him and everything, man! That's huge for that guy. Oh, my God.
That's big for Donnie. I hate this town.
No, you don't. You love this town.
Dude! You own this town! I met fucking Raul Jenkins, dude! He was the stuntman for the Nickelodeon show Blue Wave, man! And you're like, oh, fuck this town. No, it's fun.
It's great. No, it's really fun.
I love it. You do love it here.
What are you looking at? You looking at your text massages? Yeah, man. You're a busy guy.
You're blowing up lately, man. You got new video game contracts.
Dude, you have a game show. You got video game contracts.
You're killing it. What aren't you doing? What's next for Bobby Lee? Huh? A memoir? You know why I don't take that seriously? Could you ever write a memoir? I don't make fun of you.
Yeah, you do. You, you're sarcastic.
No, I'm not. Yeah, you're not.
Because you know that you're on Davey. You know, right? Yeah.
Yeah, you know you've done the Disaster Artist. Stop it.
I make... You know what I mean? I make fun of you.
Big feature films. Mm-hmm.
You know what I mean? Like, you know what I was really hurt? I was so disappointed when they didn't fucking nominate you for The Disaster Artist. You think that's funny? Yeah, I literally...
I called my AHS. I called the Academy.
How can you not? How, the acting. Mm-hmm.
And you know what? You know what you were better than? You were better than when Brian Callen was in The Joker. He was really good in The Joker.
Yeah, he was so good in The Joker. Hey, how many weeks are left on your game show? Probably a couple more weeks.
Are you watching? No. Why not? Why? It's so good.
No, you're being sarcastic. I've seen every episode.
What did I do last week? Oh, my God. What did I do last week? I know what you did.
What? The one where you eat the bugs. No, that was the first episode.
Oh, it was? Yeah. God, it feels like it was last week.
No. Oh, no, last week was the Tournament of Town.
Yeah, you don't watch it. I do watch it.
Maybe one activity I did last week, because I know what I did last week. You ran up the gauntlet.
Didn't you run the gauntlet? Wait, you ran the gauntlet. I watched it.
You ran the gauntlet. No.
No? No. Wait, what did you do last week? Here's the thing.
You don't watch of my shit I don't watch any of your shit that's the truth because we don't that's not true I watch love we know each other not from that I know that's true I saw you when you were like a young comic yeah and I remember me and what's his name? saw you yeah yeah how's Leonard Crowen? He's gone. He's in the neighbor's yard.
Is he dead now? Who knows? You don't check in? Do you not check in on Leonard Crowen? No, we checked in, but then we didn't saw him. Oh, no.
So he's dead for sure. He's dead, right? There's literally no chance he couldn't be dead.
It pissed me off, too. Is the poop still on your patio? Yeah, but when the crow left, right, I go, all right, guys, I'm going to go sweep up the balcony.
No one helped me. And I spent hours out there sweeping, you know what I mean? Trying to get the fucking shit.
It's still shit all over the place. You got to use a hose.
I know. I that, but it's like, not that, I love crows.
I love anemilia. Oh my God.
They don't want to hear that. What? What was that? I don't know, it wasn't a burp or fart, it was a fart burp.
Yeah, like a fart came out of your mouth. I know.
I haven't eaten all day, dude. Why? Because I woke up at 2.45 and I realized, shit I have bad friends today And so Jules was like What are you reading something? She was reading a book on the couch And I go Let's go She's like okay Why don't you just make a meal Why don't you have a meal She ate already I've not eaten You know what I'm going to get gonna get i'm gonna get an acai bowl delivered that's not food it is acai bowls like a hundred calories acai bowls are oh my who is it nobody you remember him i love him just open it hi.
Just open it. Hi, sweetheart.

Hey, you're on the podcast.

Hey, Nick, it's Bobby Lee.

You're on the podcast.

Nick, Bobby Lee.

Bobby, how are you?

Remember you did that movie and you made me audition?

Oh, fuck you, man.

Did I get an offer?

Dude, suck a dick.

I'm doing my best, man. Did he get he get the part no i didn't even do it

huh were you in the movie i was yeah nick did you make did you make did you make me audition nick i guys it's not about who gets no but i want to ask nick i love you so much but did nick did Andrew Santino audition for your movie?

No.

Uh-huh.

But he's my best friend, and I wrote the role for him. That's right.
Okay. What was Bobby going in for? I don't remember.
Who got it? Who got it? Was it Adam Lustig's thing? I think it was Adam Lustig's role. Who's Adam Lustig's? Maybe one of the funniest people on earth.
He's on a show corporate on Comedy Central. He's so fucking funny.
He's bigger than me? He's skinnier than you. He's bigger than me in the name.
No. No.
No. You're like a network guy, man.
You're a network guy, see? You're a game show guy now. Oh, I'm a network guy.
Is that why? Yeah. So if I would have read for it would I got it yeah dude oh shit I should have auditioned what's up Nicholas I love you Nick I was just kidding no joke's on me because the movie didn't do great do you know any of the sales numbers of the film?

No, I think we came close to getting their money back, which is...

That's good.

Let's promote the movie.

What is the movie called?

Little Bitches.

Little Bitches.

Can they get it on iTunes, Nick?

Amazon, right?

iTunes and Amazon.

Andrew is very funny in it.

We have a very big audience here.

I love Nick.

Nick, and I've worked with Nick before.

Yeah, he's awesome.

He's one of my favorite people in the whole world.

I love you.

You're so great.

I was just watching the Father's Day song.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, who had a better verse, Bobby or me?

Love you, Nick.

So watch Little Bitches.

Got Little Bitches?

Yeah, Little Bitches. Right on iTunes and fucking Amazon.
Yep. Nick is my boy.
And then, you know what, dude? Next time you do a movie, I will read for it. I'll read for it next time.
Offer. Well, you're offering.
I'll read for it next time. Okay.
Don't worry. I won't get another movie.
Yes, you will. I want you to get another fucker.
You're so fucking talented. Yes, you will.
You're a fucking talented fucker. All right, Nicholas, you want me to call you? I'll call you later.
I'll call you after. Love you guys.
Bye, baby. What a good guy.
He fucking made me read. Yeah.
He told me he was going to make you read. He goes, I don't...
Because that tells me that he thinks that I can't act. No, it's not that he doesn't think that you can act.
He knows you can act. I think he didn't know if you could do that character.
Yeah. The character was a blind black guy in a wheelchair.
Oh, yeah. I had to read.
Yeah, I had to read. There's no way.
That's very difficult. There's no way.
I was going to do a show where they said that I had to be in a wheelchair yeah and i was like i don't think i want to do that if i got a movie deal yeah right and i i wrote a part yeah right i'm casting it and i i gave an offer to theo vaughn yeah man right and i offered one to brian callan but then your agents here you have to read it's, I'd be mean if you gave roles to other people.

No, would you read?

For you?

No, would you read for me?

No.

No, no chance.

So why is it that I have to read for him?

Because you're a wild card.

We don't know what you're coming with, you know?

You're going to read for me.

No, I'm not. Because you said that, you have to read for me.

No. Yeah.
You're my friend. But do you understand how that feels, though? I know, but I wouldn't make you read.
I think you would. No, I wouldn't.
I'm a wild card. You are a fucking wild card.
Yeah. But I wouldn't make you read.
But I would fuck with you a lot on the set of something, without a doubt. I'd give you wrong call times.
You'd show up way too early because I know you'd be late. Right? I'd make sure that you only had access to certain amounts of food, certain kinds of food, certain amounts of food.
Right? Well, you think I just need fucking... And I would have a translator for you on set because no one can understand you.
Oh, my God. Speaking of translator, you know Neil Brennan directed a movie called...
Was it Will Ferrell produced it. It was about the cars.
With Jeremy Piven. Piven, right.
Yeah, this car salesman movie. He gave the part to Dr.
Ken. But anyway.
Did you audition for that? Yes. Oh, man.
And he got it over you? Yeah. I know.
And I give him shit about it every time I see him. I'm being genuine.
You didn't audition for The Hangover, right? No. They wouldn't see me.
God, that would have been crazy for you, huh? I know. We wouldn't have been doing this show.
You'd be so big. You'd be doing it with somebody bigger.
Shut the fuck up. Anyway.
Like Joel McHale. Because I remember being in the audition, though.
Yeah. And doing a...
I did a whole... I did a scene.
A couple of scenes. Yes.
Neil gets up from... I swear to God he does this.
He gets up does this he gets up from fucking you know i mean the couch or whatever and there's probably eight people in the room he he comes to me and whispers this is what he whispers and not he wasn't even kidding no one can understand what you're saying why i have no idea you're no idea. You're mumbling? I don't know.
I thought I did it good, but he goes, no one can understand what you're saying. How do you take that note? Speak up.
No, I did. Then I did it again, and they're like, thank you.
Yeah, you're probably mumbling. No, I wasn't fucking mumbling.
Do I mumble now?

I do mumble.

In the business, they call you the mumbles.

Yeah, do I mumble?

I do mumble a little bit.

Sometimes you mumble your way through words

or you say words so incorrectly

that it might sound like a mumble.

Yeah, but I do that purposely for comedy.

I got it.

Is Panda Express bad for you?

Number one, is it the best Chinese food I've ever had?

No.

Number two.

P.F. Chang's is.

Oh, it's the number one. P.F.
Chang's is so good. It's so authentic Chinese.
The lettuce cups? Dude, if you fucking went to the most ching chong-y town in China. Yeah, what is it? Right, and you opened up a P.F.
Chang's, they would be like, oh my guy, this is high quality. You'd close down all the mouth.
Who is P.F.? I want to meet him. meet him.
Do you know who PF is? Paul Frank. The clothing designer.
Yes. He owns that.
I know. Paul Frank Chang.
Paul Frank Chang. Chang.
Chang. That was his name.
Yeah. He made shirts and lettuce cups.
Yeah, he did. He was good.
Yeah. Paul Frank Chang.
No, but I, but. You don't eat Panda Express.
It's dog shit.

You know what?

Here's my qualms about Panda Express.

Everything.

It's bad.

It's gross.

No.

There's a couple of good things in there.

And they have their eggplant.

If you live in the Midwest, they might not offer this.

But in some cities, they do. You have a select menu of Panda Express? No, there are some cities that have eggplant tofu.
Eggplant tofu. Yeah.
Fried eggplant. But what I hate about eggplant tofu is people don't get it, right? So it's like – well, you'll go to a Panda Express and it will say eggplant tofu against the window.
Yeah. But there's nothing in it and you go give me eggplant tofu and then they get angry because they have to make it so they always have to go why why they go oh and then they have to turn to the guy one egg tofu right and then the chefs are like we have to go get that shit in the back because no one orders yeah so they have, so they have to get the fucking eggplant and tofu, and you can see them making it and not good.

They don't cook it all the way, and they just fucking, you know what I mean?

There it is.

That's their slogan, Panda Express.

It's not cooked all the way.

The eggplant tofu should be served in every fucking P.F. Chang.

Do you eat Panda Express?

Do you like it?

Yeah, I like it. She likes it.

What?

Just go to a mom and pop Chinese place. Oh, which one? All of them.
Century Dragon. High Hot Dragon.
Yeah. You know, maybe we should get Chin Chin's.
Chin Chin. You like Chin Chin? It's okay.
It's okay. Yeah.
No, we're going to go Panda again. Also, can I just say something? I love Jersey Mike's.
You do? My bad. No, I like it.
It's fine. No, Jersey Mike's.
It's a sub above. It's better than fucking Subway.
No, I don't need that stuff. What, are you all really fucking – you're so fucking snooty, dude.
Mm-hmm. You have your own meat cutting machine? In my house.
I have a meat slicing machine in my house. Oh, my God.
And then I say to myself, I hold it up, and I go, is that thin enough, sir? And I go, no. Do you do any fast food? Yeah, I do fast food.
I just don't like sub-sandwiches fast food. I like a deli, a mom-and-pop deli that makes sandwiches.
Fast food for me, my vice would be, I fuck with a McFlurry. McDonald's will forever be a place in my heart.
McDonald's. It's McDonald's.
It's the best breakfast on earth. You can't fuck with that shit.
They beat everybody. I don't give a fuck.
It gives me fucking colon cancer. I will fucking eat.
Does it give you colon cancer? Whatever. Oh.
Your asshole's petrified from eating too many Egg McMuffins. Is there a McDonald's nearby?

Yeah.

That's what I'd say.

Let's unclog that motherfucker.

What time is it?

Is it before 10.30?

It's all day now.

Now it's all day.

Yeah, thank God.

Remember before it was 10.30?

Yeah.

You don't know about that, do you?

It's 10.15.

You're in traffic,

and you're like,

Come on!

Come on!

You're a half a mile

from a fucking McDonald's,

and then when you get there at 10.35

Sorry, we switched over.

We switched.

You have the materials!

It's right there!

No, but I'll fast food it.

But I will say

all the options that we have

around us

there's so many better burgers I'd rather go get

than a fast food burger.

Shake Shack?

It is a good fucking burger.

It's a pretty good place.

It's – there's so many better burgers I'd rather go get than a fast food burger Shake Shack? it is a good fucking burger it's a pretty good place it's very good but also but most of the time most fast food I don't really I don't crave it I don't crave Taco Bell oh my god we live. Can I tell you? We live in Southern California.

When they first announced the Mexican pizza, did you know that I drove 100 miles to get it?

Why?

Isn't there like on every corner? No, but they announced it, but like Mexican pizza.

And in my area, they didn't have it.

Where was this?

In San Diego or something?

Or when you were up here?

Yeah, it was San Diego.

Oh.

So I think I drove like to Irvine. Just to get a Mexican pizza? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Was it worth it? No. No.
It wasn't. No.
I go, this is a taco, but flat. It's not good.
No, it's not. But you know what? What's your fast food, Rudy? Jollibee.
What? You don't know Jollibee? it's a Filipino

oh Jollibee

Jollibee is a Filipino

I've seen it

right

I've lumped Jollibee

in the same category

as like Wienerschnitzel

yeah

places I don't go

Wienerschnitzel

oh no

you don't fuck

Wienerschnitzel is one of my favorites

pretzel bun?

pretzel bun

those are

two words

pretzel bun no you know why I love a pretzel bun? Pretzel bun. Those are.
Two words.

Pretzel bun.

No. You know why I love a pretzel bun?

Why?

Because they don't.

It's like a thicker boat.

Yeah.

You know how you sometimes you see like.

That's your nickname now is a thicker boat.

Yeah.

I love thicker boats.

Because you.

Oh, yeah.

You're Chicago dog.

Yeah.

You go to a fucking ball game.

You get a fucking.

You get that fucking weak-ass steamed bun.

It's delicious.

And the chili seeps through it, and it gets destroyed in fucking three minutes.

First of all, we don't put chili dog in Chicago.

15 years they hold up.

Yeah, that's not good.

It's good for your stomach.

No, it's not good for your stomach.

Yeah, yeah.

15 years that thing will fucking—you can still eat it.

So Jollibee is your favorite route?

Yeah.

What do you get there?

I get chicken or the spaghetti. This place serves Italian and then just chicken? You said it was a Filipino restaurant.
I wouldn't consider it spaghetti. It's not Filipino, is it? It's noodles with some sort of, you know what I mean? Suspect sauce.
Wait, why did you say it's a Filipino place? It's not a Filipino's where it's from Jollibee's yeah and so what do you mean they just do a plate of spaghetti no there's different kinds you can have a burger spaghetti what the fuck is this place it's everything it's burgers spaghetti chicken sandwiches empanadas can you get an empanada there yeah yeah you can get empanadas you know do never eat at a fucking restaurant that has three different fucking you know what I mean ethnicities of food spaghetti, empanadas and a burger no that's your favorite Jollibee what else nothing else is that the one you like the most? McDonald's. Yeah, everybody.
What's your order at McDonald's?

Chicken.

Chicken again?

She loves chicken.

Chicken nuggets?

Chicken's fuck up a chicken.

Yeah, I like chicken nuggets too. But I want everyone listening to me hear this.

If you go to Taco Bell, there is something on the menu that's not on the menu, but that

you can order and they have to make it for you.

What is it called?

It's one of the original things that

Taco Bell made.

It's called the Enchirito.

Enchirito. Right.

But it's not on the menu, but they have

the ingredients for it. They're just hiding it.

No, they just go. It's one of those

things when I tell them to make that fucking egg black

tofu, where they go.

And they have to make it.

The Enchirito. Yeah.
What is it? It is it in a black fucking box it's like a black plate really yeah a plastic black paint are you fucking with me right now it's called the enchirito okay basically what it is it it's fucking a bean burrito with inch with um um enchilada sauce on it or whatever the red sauce is a bean and cheese bur? Yeah. That sounds so good.
Right, and you have to eat it with a fucking spork because they have sporks there. Yeah.
So what I do is I get the enchilada and I'll just fucking draw fire sauce on it. Yeah.
It's pretty fucking good, man. Maybe I'll go get just an enchilada.
Get an enchilada, dude. They might not make it for you.
Why? Because I look like this? Maybe. Why would you get it and I wouldn't get it? Because they'll probably deny it.
They deny it at first. They'll go, we don't make it.
Make the Enchirito. Is there a secret password? What? You go, make it.
Oh, this just, you flick them off. That's it? You fucking make it.
You just flick them off and they make it for you? Yeah, they do. Yeah.
Well, we don't want to promote people flicking off people at Taco Bell. No.'t do that but fast food is um fast food it's a good thing i i love it i don't i don't i don't i don't i don't eat it all the time but i i don't if you don't eat it all the time if it's a daily thing it's probably not good for you it's not good for you but it's good i've been in an emergency before like a month two, I'll go by and not eat any fast food.

But like, you know, you have to be somewhere at 6.

Yeah.

It's 5 o'clock.

Yeah.

You've been working all day, like meetings or auditions or whatever.

And you're getting that headache.

Oh, I know that.

I know what you're talking about.

That sugar headache.

I don't have it right now.

I have a headache because I haven't eaten all day.

Right.

Yeah.

And thank you for being a bad friend. Are you tired of aching calves from line dancing rock climbing or karate try green stuff our scientifically patented formula combines the carnivorous tree of the amazon with the dust of captured angel's wings for a once-in-a-lifetime cure our untrained physician will inject you with green stuff and in just six months, you'll have the speed and mobility of 1996 Olympic champion Carl Lewis

If you act now, you'll receive one injection of Green Stuff

For the introductory price of just $4.5 million

Green Stuff may cause petrified muscles, tremors, nausea, vomiting, violent rage, memory loss, hair loss, hearing loss, loss of appetite, blindness, difficulty breathing, divorce, financial ruin, and paralysis.

Greenstone.