Daddy Why You Die?

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Speaker 2 Hey!

Speaker 2 Hey!

Speaker 2 Hey!

Speaker 2 Welcome! Welcome to another episode of Bad Friends, everybody.

Speaker 2 Yesterday was Father's Day. And oh boy, I miss my dad.
And the thing is, I wanted to write a Father's Day song. And I told you I was going to do that too.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you promised me, and I thought you weren't going to do it. I'm being serious.
And I forgot about it. And then we were sitting here outside waiting for you because you were late.

Speaker 2 I wasn't late. I was getting you sugar-free Red Bull.
Rudy.

Speaker 2 Was I getting Sugar-Free Red Bull? Yeah. See? Okay, but

Speaker 2 were we here before I called him? Dude, you called me. It doesn't matter.
No, no, you called me. All right.
Can we do the Father's Day? What's angry about? You always do this to me. You trample on me.

Speaker 2 Trample, trample. You're trample.
You trample on me. Trample, trample on.
You trample, trample. That's you.
Trample, trample. Yeah, yeah.
Go ahead, Trampoli.

Speaker 2 So, you know, while we were waiting for you,

Speaker 2 because we were early. Because I got a Sugar Red Bill.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Yeah, and I wrote a song real quick. Because I write a lot of music on my garage band, so I just came up with it.
I have an old, older, like, weird song. You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 So I wanted to, I wrote a song for my dad. Okay, let's hear it.
All right.

Speaker 2 Daddy, I love you.

Speaker 2 Daddy, why you die?

Speaker 2 Happy Father's Day, Daddy.

Speaker 2 Daddy, I can fly.

Speaker 2 Daddy, I miss you.

Speaker 2 Why are you dead?

Speaker 2 Daddy, I need you.

Speaker 2 I need you so badly.

Speaker 2 Laying in your bed.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, I took photos of you while you were dead

Speaker 2 and sent it to the Hudson's. What was in my head?

Speaker 2 You were dead, and I whipped out my phone.

Speaker 2 I can't fucking believe I did that shit. I'm all alone.
I miss you, Daddy. I love you.

Speaker 2 Okay, there we go. That's a song.
Very good. Very good song.
I miss your dad. And he died

Speaker 2 11 months ago. You know, and wait, was it already 11 months ago?

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 It's terrible. And rest in peace, Daddy.
Yeah, it's been a terrible,

Speaker 2 terrible 12 months. It's been bad.
Yeah, it's been bad. We had my dad died last August, and then the pandemic.

Speaker 2 Then the pandemic came. You sound like it's fake.

Speaker 2 You're saying like it's not a real...

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not real.
Yeah, SDL. Can you? We'll talk about that later.
We'll talk about it later. And then DL Hugh, Jesus.
SD DL.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 poured.

Speaker 2 Then a massive injustice

Speaker 2 that happened once again for the thousandth time.

Speaker 2 And then last Tuesday, something happened that was just as shocking and terrifying to me.

Speaker 2 Same.

Speaker 2 I want people to know that

Speaker 2 I don't know what I don't know.

Speaker 2 The news that you received Tuesday is the same exact new information that we received.

Speaker 2 We received. Yeah, we didn't, we were not privy to any of that stuff and did not know.
And

Speaker 2 we found out when you found out. I think that

Speaker 2 that kind of behavior is abhorrent. I resent it.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 it's not good. No,

Speaker 2 it was awful and shocking and very,

Speaker 2 quite frankly, taken us all aback. I mean, we called each other and,

Speaker 2 you know, you sit in disbelief because

Speaker 2 we don't know this stuff and we're finding this stuff out at the same time.

Speaker 2 People are and people are throwing throwing around questions to everybody we don't know I haven't slept we haven't slept have anything and what we know now yeah yeah um is we're uh

Speaker 2 it's really it's really it's really disappointing it's really sad and I think all we can say is uh

Speaker 2 we hope we hope he gets help

Speaker 2 and that's it and that's all we can say I mean I like

Speaker 2 you know

Speaker 2 That's all we can say. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But we want to continue to do our bad friend show.

Speaker 2 Can we do our bad friend show? We want to do our bad friend show. Yeah.
And we started with the dead dad song, which I think is good.

Speaker 2 I have two dads. I brag to you very, very heavily about that.
But when you say that, no, I know. First, because you've been saying that all I only had one dad.

Speaker 2 I know your mom looks like a man, but is that what you're saying? That my mom looks like a man. I have two dads.
My mom is very pretty. I put pictures of her online.
She's a very pretty woman.

Speaker 2 I've seen your mom. Yeah, my mom's beautiful.
No, she's not.

Speaker 2 The little BTS troll. I've seen her.
Really?

Speaker 2 You want to see my mom? No. Yeah, I'm going to show you my mom.
Yeah, let's see your mom. All right.

Speaker 2 Here's my dad holding me, by the way,

Speaker 2 when I was a baby. What's so fucking funny? What's so funny? That's my whole me as a baby.
Look at your dad's head. Your dad's head is huge.
It makes sense why your fucking melon is so big.

Speaker 2 Your dad's head is massive. Look at how big his dad's melon is.

Speaker 2 I can't help it. I'm Korean.

Speaker 2 Do all Koreans have big heads? We're generally a big-headed people. I don't know.
That's huge. That looks like a fucking

Speaker 2 baby head. It's...

Speaker 2 I missed my baby head. It looks big.
Your baby head looks like my head as an adult.

Speaker 2 All right, so, um, and then this is my mother.

Speaker 2 That's my mother.

Speaker 2 It's so fucking funny. Is she cross-eyed? Yeah, she is cross-eyed.

Speaker 2 Hey, fuck you. And that's my mom.

Speaker 2 You made fun of my parents. You're the one that said, I have two dads.
I don't know what to fucking assume. I I do have two dads.
Well, I technically have two dads. You really? So you're...

Speaker 2 My mom remarried. My mom was a dad.
Oh, she did. My mom is a strong, independent.
And then what happened to OG dad? What happened to OG dad? He's still alive. He surrounded you.
No, he didn't.

Speaker 2 He abandoned the family.

Speaker 2 Did he abandon you? Your resentment? No, he went away to prison. Is that the one that you were just talking to earlier? No.
That was my step-down daddy. That's my step-dad.
Yep, my step-dad.

Speaker 2 That's my real dad. Not your real dad.
No, that is my real dad.

Speaker 2 That's not biological blood dad. My biological father

Speaker 2 went away to prison. Did he really? Yeah, a few times.
Why? See, now, now everything comes so clear to me. It comes to a point, and I can figure things out.

Speaker 2 Because I'm thinking to myself, you know what I mean? Where does his life... No, he went.
He had... My parents got divorced when I was dying.
Your rage, though. You're rage.

Speaker 2 My parents got divorced when I was young.

Speaker 2 Let me say, can I talk?

Speaker 2 My parents got divorced.

Speaker 2 My parents got divorced when I was young. My mom is a strong, badass, independent, hardcore,

Speaker 2 beautiful woman who is a fucking gangster, who raised me by herself. Great.
Like a G. Great.
Started at the bottom. I know.
I love your mom. She's a gangster.
She's a fucking badass woman. Okay.

Speaker 2 Respect my mother. All right.
So, what happened to your original dad? He, unfortunately, is a drug addict, and

Speaker 2 he got caught up in the drug scene and went away. But, I mean, he's been sober and healthy for a long time.
And so, did he have a, did he start a new family?

Speaker 2 I used to joke, my dad has more kids than my black friends have shoes. Whoa,

Speaker 2 too soon.

Speaker 2 What the fuck are you talking about? After George Floyd? Come on, man. Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 2 So you have other, you have stepbrothers and sisters. Those are half.
Those are half. That means half.
You have half ones. Yeah, those are half.

Speaker 2 And so you never mentioned them that you don't consider them real? No, no, no. I don't know most of my dad's side of the family.
I don't know a lot of them. Like, we just went separate ways in life.

Speaker 2 Oh, so you don't know. You have half-brothers and sisters.
Yeah, they're your halves. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That you've never met or or or talked to i have one i have one that's like third that's like a couple years younger than me how old is she well i'm 36 and she must be 33 uh-huh after my mom split from my dad is that incest if you point because you didn't went raised together i mean if i do like latino chicks and no

Speaker 2 come on no but i know i've never met her i don't even know who she is but she's a couple years younger than me and i don't know who she is and does she have the last name last name is yours santino no because i don't think her my father and her mother never got married.

Speaker 2 They just had a child together. They never got married.
So she has the last name of her mother.

Speaker 2 Right. My dad didn't remarry.

Speaker 2 Do you have the last name of your OG dad? Yeah, Santino was my birth name. A birth name.
And is your sister

Speaker 2 the one that you know, my sister? My real sister. Well, she's no, I'm an only child.
She's my half. She's from my stepdad and my mom.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 But my, but my, well, the one I'm referring to, the one that's like 33, who I don't know, I've never met before is a grown woman who my dad had a couple years after my parent my mom and him split.

Speaker 2 Why don't you guys get together? I don't know.

Speaker 2 Maybe she doesn't fucking want to get together. Have you tried? No.
Do you know her name and all that? We're not going to say it, but you don't know. No, I don't know her name.

Speaker 2 You don't even fucking know her name? Dude, it was a story that I didn't learn until literally a couple years ago. I was told this story later in life of like, hey, you have a sister.

Speaker 2 You have no relationship with OG.

Speaker 2 With her? No, with your original dad. Oh, yes, I do.
Yes, I do. Yes, I do.
Yes, I do. You never said, hey, dad, do we have any half-brothers and sisters? No, that's what I'm saying.

Speaker 2 He told me later in life. Okay.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 But also,

Speaker 2 I was like, oh, my God, I have a 34-year-old or whatever, 33-year-old. It's crazy to think someone is almost your age that you've never met in 30 years.
30-some-odd years. That is strange.
Right?

Speaker 2 You don't even know. It's blood.
It's blood. Blood is there.
Yeah, you don't even know it. Like, like, like, all of us have some kind of family member that we've never met before.

Speaker 2 Like, I know some people have family members that I've heard this from, there was a comic, oh, I don't want to mention his name. This was crazy though.

Speaker 2 He learned his father had another family, was like

Speaker 2 not married, but was like raising another entire another family with a woman who had kids from another family and they raised a kids together that they had.

Speaker 2 And it didn't exist until he was in his late 20s. Oh my God.
I'll tell you off-air who it was. It's dude, it put him in a spiral.
It's spiraling. That he's like, wait a minute,

Speaker 2 I have sisters and brothers with someone I've never even met. Yeah.
20 some odd years. It's funny because when you find out things about people like that, like that they have another.

Speaker 2 No, you see even dark shit.

Speaker 2 Like, you know, I worked with this girl once on a show.

Speaker 2 What show? I can't tell you. Because I don't want people to narrow it down and go, it's this person.
Sure. So I worked with this person on the show.
And this person, like,

Speaker 2 whenever I would do scenes with her,

Speaker 2 Like they would say cut and I go that was good. And she was just kind of look at me like that

Speaker 2 And I go did you like it? And then I go, what'd you do this weekend?

Speaker 2 Nothing.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 You go to craft service, right? She's lunchtime. She's eating the spoons.
No, she's sitting by herself.

Speaker 2 Oh, go sit with her. I do.
I would go. I would go.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 I'm the popular kid at school. You.
Yeah, with my Letterman jacket.

Speaker 2 Can you imagine one of those high school movies? Yeah. That all the good-looking kids are nerds and you're the popular kid.

Speaker 2 And you walk around, you're like, what's up, ladies? Everyone's like, Bobby's here. Yeah, yeah.
I like to hang out with the stoners or whatever, right? And the weird nerds.

Speaker 2 So I go, I would sit next to her and go,

Speaker 2 wow, fuck. You know what I mean? Chicken again.
Or something like that. She would just eat chicken.

Speaker 2 Well, no,

Speaker 2 sometimes craft service, they just have one piece of kind of

Speaker 2 because it's kind of a ghetto. So I go, chicken again.
And she'd just be like, yeah, chicken. And she would just eat it, right?

Speaker 2 And I was like, I can't get through. Like, we're on a show together.
Yeah. Right?

Speaker 2 Were you acting in scenes together or not? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. One time.

Speaker 2 Wait, wait, finish this, though. She was eating alone.
Yeah, she would eat alone. And I would go.
And she would just give me cross-eyes. You'd be like, yeah, chicken.
And just eat.

Speaker 2 You'd never ask about me. But you would sit there in silence and just eat a meal with silence and just go, what else can I say? You don't need to get it going.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Wow, the new fucking radio head album.

Speaker 2 I don't get it. In rainbows? I don't get it.
She's like, what's a radio head? What's a rainbow? Do you mean your car?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was that kind of thing. So what? And then one time in a scene, I had to pull her hair.
What? Yeah, in a scene, I had to pull her hair. Like a sex scene? No, it wasn't sex scene.

Speaker 2 It was a violent scene. Like you were fighting her.
Yeah. Holy shit.
And I had to pull her hair, right?

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 she had a wig on. I didn't know that.

Speaker 2 Right? So I pulled the wig and her thing,

Speaker 2 the bobby pins were going to her scalp.

Speaker 2 I was pulling it, and and then blood was coming down to her into her face.

Speaker 2 And she's going, What do I do? You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Because maybe I was trying to get a response out of her. How did you not know? I don't know, like, talk to me,

Speaker 2 like, like that, and blood was coming down her face.

Speaker 2 She went crazy on me. What the fuck, you know what I mean? Yeah, dude, you're causing her to fucking her skull is impacted with bobby pins.
Then one day I just went to

Speaker 2 you know another friend that's on the show.

Speaker 2 What's up? What's up? But you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And she goes, in in college she was in college and she found out that she got a call that her dad killed her mom and then he killed himself oh my god so that ever since then you know i'd see her eating by herself i would just sit with the other people

Speaker 2 so fuck yeah yeah daddy i love you wow have you worked with crazy people

Speaker 2 Not cra well, yes. Yes.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Crazy is in like they're mean.
They're very, very mean. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I I don't, I don't, you know, look, I've

Speaker 2 this. I've worked with people, and I've talked about it before.
I've worked with people on shows where they, um,

Speaker 2 their acting and their process tends to be very heavy and it drains the room and it makes you feel kind of uncomfortable. That you're like, Am I just I'll tell you the number one person.

Speaker 2 Are you gonna say okay, I'll say the name? I'll give a fuck. Okay, Brooke Shields.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 2 Brooke

Speaker 2 Shields is I said it is what mean is an asset fucking hater bing bing bing I fucking hate her dude wait why fucking hater dude what did she do dude dude

Speaker 2 hey Brooke shields what you did

Speaker 2 I hate you what did she do so um and I'm gonna I'm gonna expose all kinds of people right now

Speaker 2 Because this this story, I've always like kind of held in my heart. Yeah.
But fuck it. I don't give a fuck.
What did she do? I'll tell you what she did. I'll tell you what they did.

Speaker 2 So I'm on Mad TV, right? Yeah. And so I get a call from Fox Television.
They go, hey, we want you on this other show.

Speaker 2 What was the other show? It was called New Car Smell.

Speaker 2 What? Kind of shitty idea. Right.
It's got that new car smell.

Speaker 2 Let me guess. It's a sitcom about car salesman.
Yes. Yeah.
Okay. It's called New Car Smell.
Bad pitch. And Brooks Shields is the star.
Okay. Okay.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 so then I get a call going, you know, us as a network, we want you on the show,

Speaker 2 but the showrunners don't want you on the show. Why?

Speaker 2 Because they want Geddy Wananabe.

Speaker 2 Oh. You know who that is? Yes.

Speaker 2 He was a long duck dong from 16 Candles. Yeah, yes.
So then I just call, I go, is he alive? Yeah, Getty's alive. Okay.
And I go,

Speaker 2 I was a kid. I was, what, 28 years old? Yeah.
So I go,

Speaker 2 yeah, I don't want to do it then.

Speaker 2 And they're like, it's a lot of money. It's a great, it's a network prime time.
You're on a late-night Saturday show that no one watches. You know what I mean? Yeah.
You got to, come on. We want you.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I go, who else is in it? And they go, a couple of names. Dave Ettell.

Speaker 2 Huge. Right.

Speaker 2 And then it was,

Speaker 2 you know who else had a couple of a guest star was Jimmy Schubert. I I love Jimmy Schubert.
I love Jimmy. So I go, yeah, I'll do it then.

Speaker 2 But then, so it's the Cullen brothers are the showrunners. The Cullen brothers? Yeah, so Rob Cullen.

Speaker 2 Rob Cullen used to hang out with Dice.

Speaker 2 Huh?

Speaker 2 And Dice, me, and Rob Cullen went to Vegas one time when I was a kid. I was 25.

Speaker 2 And Dice lost hundreds of thousands of dollars. Dude, I've heard he loves gambling.
Yeah. So Dice took me, he used to call me Ching.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 I was okay.

Speaker 2 Ching, come over here. So I was working the back door.
Yeah. And he goes, Hey, Ching,

Speaker 2 you know, me and Rob, Cullen, are going to go to Vegas. Get in the fucking car.
I'm working the back door. They want to drive to Vegas? No.
Oh. I'm wearing a comedy store t-shirt and I have no money.

Speaker 2 And I go, what?

Speaker 2 I'm working. No, I talked to the

Speaker 2 manager.

Speaker 2 So I literally, no money,

Speaker 2 no clothes,

Speaker 2 just got in a car with them and drove to LAX. To go to Vegas.
Yes. What? Yeah.
You, Dice, and Cullen. Me, Dice, and this guy, Rob Cullen.
Okay.

Speaker 2 So we go to Vegas, and we're sitting at the blackjack, the high-end ones.

Speaker 2 And Dice would fucking throw down $10,000 hands.

Speaker 2 $10,000 hands? Yeah. He was making that kind of money? He was a multi-multi-millionaire.
I know, but $10,000 hands is going to be a crazy thing. Yeah, it was insane.
You crazy.

Speaker 2 And I'm sitting there going, and he would lose $50,000, you know what I mean? In 20 minutes. And not care.
And not care. And I would just be like sweating.

Speaker 2 Because he brought me because he thought I was a good luck charm.

Speaker 2 Right? Chang will bring us luck.

Speaker 2 He lost a lot of money. Yeah, bad luck.
And then he goes, you're not good luck.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And the next day, right? So I had that experience with Rob Cullen.

Speaker 2 But he liked you. Yeah, we're friends.
Okay. So then now I'm on a show with his brother and him are showrunning.
And they didn't want me. They wanted Getty Wananabi.

Speaker 2 And so I had like two pages of like dialogue in it.

Speaker 2 And David Swimmer was the director from Friends. Oh, really? Yeah.
I didn't know that. So Swimmer directed it.
The Schwim Dog. So every day I would show up, Swimmer would walk up to me and go,

Speaker 2 hey, man.

Speaker 2 They cut a page. It's your page.
Yeah. And I go, okay, so.
Yeah, it's just this big chunk in the front. So, you know, you're you're introducing, you know what I mean? You're introducing yourself.

Speaker 2 Yeah. But it'll be great when the show gets picked up.
You know what I mean? They'll give you more lines. So, okay.
And the next day, chunk's gone.

Speaker 2 Chunk is gone. And I go, what do you mean? Yeah.
It's just gone. You have a line.
You have a line now. And I go, what does that mean?

Speaker 2 Listen, you know, I'm on friends. I was on friends.
I know how these work. These things work.
You're fine. Yeah.
You just want to test. Okay.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 But in my head, I'm like. You're fine.
I was on Friends. Yeah, yeah.
What does that even mean?

Speaker 2 I was on one of the most successful security. But he, the experience, you have the experience.
You know what I mean? Yeah. You're going to be fine.
Yeah. Next day,

Speaker 2 line's gone. The line's gone.

Speaker 2 I go, what do I do then? You walk in. You walk in, you walk out.

Speaker 2 You don't even say hi?

Speaker 2 You sound like me and disaster artists. Right?

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 but then, but, so I'm on it for like a week and a half, right? Two weeks. A lot, you know, so you're rehearsing every day.
Oh, God.

Speaker 2 Every day it gets worse and worse and now boils are forming on my head what do you mean stress boils yeah

Speaker 2 gigantic boils are stressed on my head yeah and i was smoking like 15 packs of cigarettes because you thought you were gonna get canned from the show i didn't know what was going on i had never been in the situation before right it was so uncomfortable but then like i would i thought you know brooke shields is the star

Speaker 2 So I remember walking right up to her one morning, and she's at like craft service. I look her right in the eyes like good morning and she just kind of looks at me and walks away

Speaker 2 that's why you hate brooke shields yeah

Speaker 2 bob

Speaker 2 that's such a stretch no you said good morning and she just walked what if she should talk to me all what if she didn't see hear you no no it's not or see you she's taller than you isn't the scene that i'm walking in she's probably 5'10 the scene i'm walking in and out of yeah i'm obviously there on set rehearsing right how tall is brooke shields rudy what you looked at how tall is brooch shields Right.

Speaker 2 I'm obviously, right? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And she won't even lock eyes with me. I don't, you don't think I'm fucking no when somebody doesn't like me? It's not that it is that.
What if she didn't? No, it's this. She knew I was on my way out.

Speaker 2 So she didn't need to. She wrote you off.
Yeah, she didn't need to make that connection. Right?

Speaker 2 But here's the answer

Speaker 2 to everyone's question.

Speaker 2 I'm still here. You're still.
Papa's still here. I'm still here.
Papa's still here. Right? And it's like, I think I deserve a little bit of an amends from the Cullen brothers.

Speaker 2 I don't think she did that on purpose. How tall is she? Six.
She's six feet. Six foot? She's six feet tall.
Six foot five? Let's just say she was in heels that day. No,

Speaker 2 she's in two weeks. Come on, man.
But you're so low to the earth. How do you know she's there? All right.
She could see right over you. And she hears a single.

Speaker 2 No one said hi to Peter Dinklage on fucking Game of Thrones. Did you not hear that story the first day he showed up? They didn't even know he was there.

Speaker 2 He acted a whole day. They didn't even know he was there.

Speaker 2 yeah that's so fucking funny that's so funny don't say fuck brooke brooks shields because of that that's such a small that's not even a real thing no because

Speaker 2 she didn't say like you so

Speaker 2 fuck you

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Speaker 1 And then my chronic hives come back. Again, in the middle of my spa day.

Speaker 2 What a wet blanket.

Speaker 1 Looks like another spell of itchy red skin. If you have chronic spontaneous urticaria or CSU, there is a different treatment option.
Hives during my next spa day? Not if I can help it.

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Speaker 2 Wait, can I give you a story of embarrassment now? How about this? I'll give you one. Okay, go ahead.
Not fuck these people, but here's how I felt, like a real moron. Okay, go ahead.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I get a phone call that they're like, they're doing a read of Funny Your Die and they need you to read for this movie.

Speaker 2 It's called House Something, Will Farrell, and it's the gambling, the gambling, you know, they had a gambling movie. The casino movie in that with Amy Poehler.
Exactly. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I get amped. They're like, they love you.
They don't even need that. They're just going to have this role for you as this like

Speaker 2 dude that comes in, pretends to be a cop, but he's really just like a fuck up looking to steal stuff.

Speaker 2 I go to Funny or Die.

Speaker 2 Dude, I'm so good in a room that I'm, when I have confidence, that I'm like, I'm going to be fine. You know what I mean? Like, I never go in shook.
I'm never like nervous.

Speaker 2 I'm always like, I'm going to be fine. What the fuck? Dude, who cares? I've done a million table reads.
I get in there. You did a table read, not an audition.

Speaker 2 No, no, we were reading for the, they already were giving me the part. Oh, so you're, you're not a table read.
Yeah, because they said they didn't have time to cast. They had to shoot the movie.

Speaker 2 So they were like, we're just going to give, they're like, we have a role for you. You can have it.
You have to come to the read, though, and you have to read. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 They go, you have to read the role, and you have to read two other roles. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Don't you hate when they do that by the way? I don't want it. Yeah, I don't know how to do the other one.
I don't know. You show up.
You show up. You worked on the lines that you're playing.

Speaker 2 I know these roles. And then when you show up, you see in the front page, cop.
You know what I mean? Passenger number one. Mailman.
And yeah, and then you go, I have to read these.

Speaker 2 And then you have to do a different voice. And first take.
You've never done it before. You've never done it before.

Speaker 2 And then someone in a production assistant comes up to you and goes, We've highlighted a couple of their characters.

Speaker 2 And you're like, oh my God, I didn't like it. So I'm like, this.
I'm thumbing through them trying to find where the characters are.

Speaker 2 Because by the way, if you mess up the rhythm of the room, you look like an asshole. Right? So here I am.
I'm going, Will Farrell's right there. Amy's across the table.

Speaker 2 Kroll is there. Nick Kroll.
Yeah, Nick's like the only guy that I like.

Speaker 2 No, no, in the room. Right, right.
And Nick's like, what's up, man? I'm like, hey, what's up? So that made me feel comfortable. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. I get to,

Speaker 2 by the way. Yeah, I love Nick.
I get to my line that I know.

Speaker 2 yeah and i it up and i it up so bad why because because though you got nervous yes i know you get intimidated because will farrell looked over at me when i was going to read my line oh no as if to say like oh this i don't know this guy let's see if he's funny oh no dude i ate such a mass a massive thick veiny penis did you blush not

Speaker 2 can you get more red than this oh my god yeah no i was so embarrassed dude i literally the line let's just say the line, and it was quick.

Speaker 2 It was, they got to be outside behind, they have to be outside because I just climbed through the roof. It was something like that.
Like, people were on the road. Now, tell me how you said it.

Speaker 2 They have to outside if there's a roof.

Speaker 2 Hey.

Speaker 2 Everybody just kept going like it didn't happen because they were like, Jesus fucking Christ. They just kept reading.
Yeah. And nobody looked up.

Speaker 2 Nobody looked up at me. No one looked up at me to be like, it's okay.
It's okay. You fucked up.
No, they kept going. I'm getting PTSD.
What do you think I did for the other lines? I fucked them up.

Speaker 2 I fucked up every fucking line. Yeah, yeah.
I swear to God, I'm not exaggerating. Every fucking line.
And here's the thing. For me,

Speaker 2 and especially for the other lines.

Speaker 2 I'm reading it. I can't read it.
You're literally reading it. Can't read.
I can't read it.

Speaker 2 I'm in there. You get so nervous.
So nervous. That the lines become blurred.
Let me do this. On the way out.

Speaker 2 On the way out. Yeah.
This is the face. You're me, and I'm Will Farrell.
Yeah. Ready? Yeah.
So say, everyone's, goodbye, goodbye. Everyone says goodbye.

Speaker 2 And you're me, and you say, and you say, thanks a lot. Just say thanks a lot to me.
And you're Will Farrell. Yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 2 Hey, thanks a lot.

Speaker 2 That's what he did. He breathed in and looked away.
And by the way, every right. Will is right.
Will was right. He breathed in and looked away, as if to say,

Speaker 2 you should kill yourself. Yeah, you should have killed yourself.
It's on the eighth floor. Jump out.
Jump out of the window. Wow.
What are you still alive? What do you think happened the next day?

Speaker 2 You got the part.

Speaker 2 Hello. Hey, what's up, man?

Speaker 2 It's your agent. Hey,

Speaker 2 it's your agent. Hey, what's up? Yeah, I think they're gonna slice up some stuff and move some stuff around.

Speaker 2 So

Speaker 2 we got you some stuff later this week, some auditions. I was like, oh,

Speaker 2 they're gonna cut it. He's like, yeah, they're gonna cut it.
They cut the whole roll.

Speaker 2 But you know what? I thought for a second, I thought they're just gonna give it to somebody else. I'm like, I lost.
I fucked it up. They did cut the roll.
But that being said.

Speaker 2 But you know why they cut the roll? Because I fucked it up. Because Because you fucked it up.
Yeah, because I fucked it up. This part

Speaker 2 shouldn't be in here. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And by the way, it wasn't the writing. Because an actor can't even fucking do it.
It wasn't the writing. Yeah.
It was every inch of me. It was me.

Speaker 2 I literally, on the way home, I'm like ready to throw up in my car. And I'm like, oh, they're never going to work with me.
Like, these people are going to be like, that guy sucks.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? And guess what?

Speaker 2 Never worked with any of those people.

Speaker 2 They think I suck. I was like, they think I fucking suck because I shouldn't have to.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Amy was Oh my god. Yeah.
Sitting right across from me. Oh, yeah.
I've been she was sitting right across. You're Will Farrell.
That's Amy. Nick is over there.

Speaker 2 Nick said goodbye because Nick is a good dude. And Nick knows me.
And he was like, later, man, take it easy. Like, he was very nice.
But I'm sure he, on the way home, was like, the fuck was that?

Speaker 2 And I was on spilling up together. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 2 So this is the, you know, the actors are on one side, right? Yeah. But for some reason, they had the executives just literally on the other side of a table like this.

Speaker 2 Right? Like two feet long, right? Two feet long, right? Bobby. So you sit down and like this, but so you know, you have like a name card, right? Yeah, they have a card.

Speaker 2 So my name card goes Bobby Lee Arthur, who's who I play. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We remember. And there's a name card here.

Speaker 2 Peter Roth, president of Warner Brothers. Peter Roth was sitting across from you? Yeah.
He'd come in

Speaker 2 like this. I could see his fingernails right here, right? Hands like this, right?

Speaker 2 Peter.

Speaker 2 And it was,

Speaker 2 dude, you lock eyes with him. Bobby, how was your weekend?

Speaker 2 Like, you can't even speak English.

Speaker 2 And then one time,

Speaker 2 Oliver laughed at me.

Speaker 2 He came in for a hug, and I went like this.

Speaker 2 Right? You black.

Speaker 2 I wanted to do like a hand thing this. Like, right? But he came like this.
So I went

Speaker 2 right to the center of his chest. Tersternum.
Yes, to sternum. And he goes, oh, like that.
He made that noise. And then later, we had dinner, and Oliver was laughing that I did that.

Speaker 2 Like making fun of me. I was just trying to, you know what I mean? Yeah.
So it's like all those little tiny things. They matter.
They matter. Yeah, because we look like idiots.
They matter so much.

Speaker 2 I know. It's so stupid.
Why do they matter so much? You don't mean it. I want to be a good guy.

Speaker 2 I want to do the right thing. You want to be funny.
Yeah, yeah. Can I tell you that? You know who showed up people more than I've ever seen in my life?

Speaker 2 He's a cool dude. This is not me talking shit, but Bill Bellamy.
I did a pilot with Bill Bellamy. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 So a friend of mine wrote a pilot for Bill about his real life, which is his mom got a divorce and then later in life started dating ex-NFL players.

Speaker 2 So all of his stepdads were like these big, jacked ex-NFL players. And Bill Bellamy was supposed to play my friend that wrote it.
So Bill Bellamy on the first day were,

Speaker 2 dude,

Speaker 2 I sit down at this table

Speaker 2 and this is not on me.

Speaker 2 I'm making him laugh because I'm mocking his two friends.

Speaker 2 It's supposed to be three black dudes and this white nerd from the neighborhood who's like the dork that they just let to play cards because they feel bad for me.

Speaker 2 So I was doing this character where they would say something, and I'd be like, I hear that, bro. Holler, you know, and Bill was loving it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And dude, in between scenes, he literally is like, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew. And I'm like, Yeah, yeah.
And he's like, He's like, Will you grab me? Are you getting a coffee? Were you getting a coffee?

Speaker 2 And I was like, Yeah, I'm going to go get something. He's like, Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Will you get me one too? And I was like, Yeah, for sure. So go get a coffee.

Speaker 2 And on the way back, he's like berating them when I'm

Speaker 2 behind my back to his mind, but like in a positive me way. Like he was like, man, y'all better step the fuck up.
Y'all are regulars on this show.

Speaker 2 And this motherfucker is funnier than both of y'all, motherfucker. You want to lose your job? You want to lose your motherfucking job? Dude, it was, and he doesn't know I see him.

Speaker 2 And he's like, yeah, y'all ain't funny. That bullshit that you said, but that shit wasn't funny at all, motherfucker.
Why would you say that? He was lighting them up. Well, because they're friends.

Speaker 2 He was his friend. It doesn't matter.
Dude, he was checking them. And he started laughing.
He wasn't being like, as mean as I'm making it. He was was just being like, y'all are garbage.

Speaker 2 He going to take your role, bro. You're a trade.
You're saying some dumb shit. Then when I sit back down, he's like, thank you, bro.
These two guys fucking hate.

Speaker 2 I mean, now they're like, they hate you. Fuck this dude.
Yeah, because I was funny. Like, all I was doing was slinging bullshit lines.
And I was a day player. That's an old saying.

Speaker 2 Never outshine your master. Oh, bro.
Well, bro, I didn't. Bill was.
Bill was, it's his scene. It's his show.
But these two guys, I'm just trying to have fun with them.

Speaker 2 But that's why he did that i know because you outshined him i know it was bad you outshined him you never outshined your man we tuned it down big time we've tuned it down like i just took it back yeah and then they would take heavy shots slink johnson do you know who that is who played i love slink yeah he was one great guy he was he was in the he was in that scene with us yeah slink started just shitting on me i mean and it was funny yeah but he was sick of it he was like you ain't gonna be funnier than me so slink was the whole time and we started i we got

Speaker 2 what was this? It was a pilot for CBS. It was four years ago.
I don't even know. Four or five years ago.
Yeah. How many pilots have you done?

Speaker 2 I don't know, six, maybe, seven. I have no idea.

Speaker 2 I mean, I did the worst pilot of all time. I did How I Met Your Father, the spin-off to How I Met Your Mother.
I've talked about that. Oh, I did problem child.
Time out.

Speaker 2 Do you hear what I said, though? Yeah.

Speaker 2 The most success, one of the most successful sitcoms of all time, How I Met Your Mother. Yeah.
I did How I Met Your Father. That would have been great.
Oh,

Speaker 2 it must have been great. Oh, Oh,

Speaker 2 it was so bad. The network

Speaker 2 don't let people see it. I had to sign an NDA when I went and watched it at the network that I wouldn't talk about scenes,

Speaker 2 characters, anything. Nothing.
It was that bad. Who else was in it? Well, Greta Gerwig was going to be the star.
Oh, wow. And she wrote it.
She co-wrote it with Emily Spivey, who's a great writer.

Speaker 2 I've talked to people. I've told this story.
Maybe not say that. No, no, no.
That was public knowledge. Yeah, but they did a good job.
No, they did do a good job.

Speaker 2 What I'm saying is there was no, it didn't, we didn't work. It didn't work.
It's like I, me and Drew Tarver were boyfriends, and that was the other thing, man. They wouldn't let us kiss.

Speaker 2 They didn't want us to kiss.

Speaker 2 And Drew was like, well, you know, because we went in to like do a kiss one time. Like, he was just going to kiss me on my cheek.
Yeah. And the network was like,

Speaker 2 I just think the kissing is a little much. Yeah.
You know, they didn't want us to show affection. So how do I, this is my boy, this is my boyfriend.

Speaker 2 Otherwise, it just looks like two guys.

Speaker 2 Have you ever worked with anybody that was so good that you're like, I think I'm gonna quit? My whole career. Almost everybody I've worked with.
Yeah, so many movies.

Speaker 2 Did you do that show, Sean Saves the World? Oh, I love. I did that show.
I played his boyfriend. We had a kissing scene when you brought that up.
Yeah, you thought about getting it. Is this Sean?

Speaker 2 What's his name, Sean?

Speaker 2 He's on Will and Grace. Hayes.
Sean Hayes. Yeah.
Do you know what I mean? I didn't know much about him. I used to live in his apartment.
Really? That was the first thing the landlord said.

Speaker 2 And when I watched him do it, like rehearsal, yeah, I literally went, oh, I'm in the wrong business. Yeah,

Speaker 2 this guy is so good. So you're a pro and I'm a hoe.
Yeah, because what people don't realize is that, you know, I did, I signed up with a bunch of homeless people

Speaker 2 to be honest, and crazy street people to do amateur night at comedy clubs. Yeah, same.
That's us.

Speaker 2 Have you ever done, you know, you and you first start off, you're with a guy, like a guy in a green suit? Yeah. Right? Like, who's that guy, that Robert William Aprovaya you know him

Speaker 2 so a homeless man crazy person who's going to the same audition you are right right and then you're like or some like other homeless person and then you're like for years that's your school right you're yeah right you're you're you're performing with mentally disabled people and people with problems

Speaker 2 yes and then all of a sudden one day you get an opening job you know what i mean for somebody or you start featuring and you go oh it's a little better but that's pretty much that's your training your training.

Speaker 2 And then you end up like with, then you're on a show with a person watching people that can sing and dance and tap dance. And you're like, I could fart into a mic and not make the mic smelly.

Speaker 2 Well, that's my talent or whatever. You know what I mean? You don't see.
So Sean was so. Oh, my God.
He's so good. Yeah, he's like shocking to watch.
Yeah, it memorizes lines during rehearsals.

Speaker 2 He knows it.

Speaker 2 I'm going to mispronounce his name, so I don't want to say it, but Oba, Oba. That's it.
Fuck. You got to know.

Speaker 2 No, but the best actor I think I've ever worked with was on, I'm Dying Up Here, and I don't want to mispronounce his last name, so I don't want to sound like an idiot. Oba Baba Tunde.
Baba Tunde.

Speaker 2 Do you know him? Oba Baba Tunde? Dude, this guy is so.

Speaker 2 Let me look.

Speaker 2 Oba Baba Tunde? Oh, yeah, that guy's. I've seen him before.
He's great. I mean, his face is like, don't

Speaker 2 fuck around. Don't fuck around.
He's so good.

Speaker 2 He was so fucking good at playing this like smooth, slick club owner that there were times when we were done with the scene, his name was Barton Royce or whatever on the show. Yeah.

Speaker 2 That I thought it was up club owner Barton Royce. In my mind, I was like, oh, that's Barton Royce.
Because he would walk up and he would still kind of be in this vibe. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And he'd be getting coffee. He's like, what's going on, kid?

Speaker 2 Really? I feel like I was in a fucking light movie with that guy. He was one of those guys where you watch him and you go, oh, he's just.

Speaker 2 He just is better than

Speaker 2 everybody. Yeah.
And he knows it. There's no way they don't know it.
Those guys fucking know. I love those evergreen, those evergreen working actors

Speaker 2 that have been around since the 70s. Yes.
Sometimes you're on a set, right? Yeah. With guys you grew up, you know, watching just like, oh, yeah.
Rick Overton was on our show. And I love Overton.

Speaker 2 Phenomenal. Yeah, he's a fucking legend.
Guys like that, where you're like, oh, you've been good your whole life. Yeah, and you just kind of go, what am I doing here?

Speaker 2 What am I doing here? Why did you guys say yes to me? Yeah, it's crazy. Speaking of people that are good their whole life, let's talk about the DL thing.
DL Huley collapsed on stage.

Speaker 2 A great comic, by the way, a great comic who I've always thought was

Speaker 2 kind of in a class of his own. Like when Pablo, remember when Pablo passed out on stage? That was from drugs.
I understand that.

Speaker 2 He fell because of drugs. I understand that.
But they did both fall. Yeah, but DL was sick.
It doesn't matter. They both fell.
Okay, same story. I'm just saying, when you see a fall.

Speaker 2 Yeah, when you watch it happen. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Because they always happen in clubs that I play.

Speaker 2 That's funny. That's so true.
Right. So

Speaker 2 you know exactly what that room is. Yeah.
Right. So.
Where was Pablo's fall? Sack Sacramento Punch. Oh, yeah.
Sack. So I played Sack thousands of times.
Right. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And go, oh my God, I remember that little

Speaker 2 table where he almost cracked his crack. Crack cracked his skull in.

Speaker 2 Where did DL fall? Zane's. Zane's, that's right.
Yeah. And I played that room as well.
God, that's insane. It's insane.
So he's on stage and he's sitting down.

Speaker 2 Is that what it was? Yeah, I think he's sitting there. Okay.
So already in your head, because I've never seen DL sit before, that could have been a clue.

Speaker 2 Because did you see how fast his managers people got into save him? Well, I mean,

Speaker 2 because they knew that he was sitting there. So he must have been like, hey, man, I'm tired.
I don't feel good. I don't feel good.
I've had that before. I don't feel good in the middle of stage.

Speaker 2 So he is sitting there, and so people were like kind of attentive. Let me try to find it.
Go ahead.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 he falls over, and you hear the gasp.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you probably have some, you know, I mean, audience members going, do I get my money back?

Speaker 2 Yeah, you saw a couple of those. Yeah, well, that's the first thing they want to think of.
Yeah, yeah. Do I get my money back?

Speaker 2 Hey, is there any way that I could get paid for the pay, get paid in return for this? Because I didn't want to see him fall. Yeah.
The opening act was very funny, though. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Have you ever passed out on stage?

Speaker 2 No, I've never

Speaker 2 hold on one second. I've been choked out on stage.

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Speaker 2 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 2 I got to pull the railing.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 That video is so creepy. It's so ominous.
Yeah. Right, to watch him.
Look at him. His buddy is waiting for him because he can tell he's wobbly.

Speaker 2 Oh my god.

Speaker 2 It'd be funny if he regains consciousness, stands back up and goes, bitch, bitch, got it. You know what I mean? I guess it was a joke.

Speaker 2 I got you.

Speaker 2 I almost passed out. I almost passed out on stage

Speaker 2 when I first auditioned for Last Comic Standing. Oh, really? Yeah, my feet tingled.
Why'd you audition for that?

Speaker 2 I was brand new. It was my second year doing comedy.

Speaker 2 I drove to San Francisco with my friend,

Speaker 2 with my buddy, and we drove and

Speaker 2 we waited out loud. We camped.
You know, can I tell you something? Yeah, yeah. That was one of those moments in comedy where, like,

Speaker 2 you're like, fuck, man, it sucked, but I'll never forget those moments. We slept outside together.
We told stories all night. Everyone was coming up and down.

Speaker 2 People we never met before were like, where'd you guys come from? Where'd you come from? To audition? Oh, my God. So it was kind of, it was like one of those things.
I mean,

Speaker 2 were you, were you? And also, I remember those early things, you know, for me,

Speaker 2 I would get really worked up for them. Oh, my fucking God.
It was so nerve-wracking. All night long thinking about what I was going to say.
Yeah, yeah. So what happened? Did you get it?

Speaker 2 Yeah, I got it. I won the show.
I'm Dad Fan.

Speaker 2 I'm Dad Fan. This was the first season? I'm Dad Fan.

Speaker 2 I did a show called Friday Night Videos, and I was in San Diego. I was an open micer, and I got it because my manager hooked it up for me.
I used to have this really,

Speaker 2 this older black guy named Worthy Patterson. What a name.

Speaker 2 I see him in my head right now. Yeah.

Speaker 2 A big, heavy set guy. No, skinny.
Okay, let me take it back. I got it.
Skinny guy. Yeah, yeah.
Pats? And it's so funny because I remember the reason why I left Worthy, they used to call him worthless.

Speaker 2 Worthless pats.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. They used to call him worthless pats.
Because he got no gigs for him. He's a great manager.
And he really, he, you know, I was such a so green. Sure.
That I just, I'm, I bless the guy.

Speaker 2 I love him. Yeah, because they, those guys that took a shot on you before you were.
He's a great guy. I still run into him today.
Oh, really? And he works for a big management company.

Speaker 2 He has a bunch of clients. He's great.
I thought for sure you were going to be like, no. He's at the Panda Express on Sunset.
No, he's a great guy. He does scoops, big scoops.
So, but

Speaker 2 Worthy

Speaker 2 got me this gig, right? So I drove from San Diego early because I had to be there at like two.

Speaker 2 I left San Diego at four in the morning.

Speaker 2 And I drove to Burbank, and I sat in my, I had this junky fucking truck. Yeah.
And I remember there was a little park in Burbank there, but right by where the tonight show was. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, there's like a couple more parks. Yeah.
And I just pacing my act. All night long.
Yeah, till like four in the six in the morning till two. Damn.
I had no food, money, or anything.

Speaker 2 No, of course not. Starving.
Yeah. And just doing my act and smoking, doing my act.
You know what I mean? The ninja, the ninja, the ninja across the road. And, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 And all these bits. You know what I mean? Masturbate alone.
You know what I mean? These bits. You know what I mean? Grab your own ass when you masturbate.
That's why I'm lonely. Whatever.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? These bits that I used to do. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You still do those. I've heard all those.
Just a couple of years ago, I've heard all those.

Speaker 2 Stop it. Anyway,

Speaker 2 I show up. No, no, no.
You said your dad. What about your dad? My dad, you know, you're not funny, Bobby.
And all those bits. You know what I mean? Yeah, knock on.
Who's there? You're not funny.

Speaker 2 All that stuff, right? Right? And I, and I remember

Speaker 2 being,

Speaker 2 I don't do that fucking joke anymore. I still love that joke.
Fuck face. I'm just saying I love it.
So then I remember backstage and

Speaker 2 just ready to go and then going and then hitting the stage. And I'd only did comedy 60 times.
Oh, you were so new. Yeah.
60 or 70. That's your first year into the gig? Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I remember the lights coming on, and there's an audience, and just nothing came out.

Speaker 2 Just nothing. Just

Speaker 2 nothing.

Speaker 2 And then I pulled my stomach out. Yeah.
And I started doing this weird stomach thing. Because, you know, your survival.
Yeah, you just kick in. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And I would go beep, beep, like grab my penis and go, beep, beep, beep, beep. Like that.
yes and then like

Speaker 2 make noises what the fuck yeah just like anything because my jokes weren't working

Speaker 2 and do like bird thing

Speaker 2 right and do whatever and then afterwards worthy come yo yeah man they're not gonna pay you what they're not gonna hear it they're not gonna pay you or not then they didn't get paid no

Speaker 2 what was it what was that an nbc nbc that's so then um let's go get that money but then what's funny is then i go to worthy like five months later. I have no money.
And I go, hey,

Speaker 2 can I get a commercial agent?

Speaker 2 And he goes,

Speaker 2 yeah, man, you're never going to work.

Speaker 2 They're not going to.

Speaker 2 You watch television? You just don't see no Asian guys on television. Is that what he said? Yeah, yeah.
You don't see Asian guys on no airport, your local. Zulu.
Right.

Speaker 2 Back then?

Speaker 2 No. Yeah, Zulu.
So then I fired him and I went, you know, with Abby, my manager now. Yeah, yeah.
And then she got me

Speaker 2 an agent and I booked 20 national commercials in one year. Wow.

Speaker 2 That's insane. I did El Pollo Loco.

Speaker 2 I did do

Speaker 2 one of them.

Speaker 2 This is how fucking

Speaker 2 this is how hungry I was. I would call my agent and go, whatever, even if they even if it's the polar opposite of me, send me in.

Speaker 2 So one of them, he goes, six foot guy. Yeah, yeah.
No, one of them was, so they're looking for a Brad Pitt-looking guy. You.
Log cabin. You're chopping wood.
You. Right.

Speaker 2 And you're wearing a turtleneck. It's for Maxwell House.

Speaker 2 How could that not be you?

Speaker 2 Right. So I go, send me in.
So I show up, and it's all these guys that look like Brad Pitt in turtlenecks. Real good-looking dudes.
I'm wearing this. Yeah.
And your belly's showing.

Speaker 2 My belly's showing. I'm wearing this, right?

Speaker 2 Because I knew that in those kind of commercial auditions, there's no line.

Speaker 2 You're just drinking coffee on a porch, chopping wood, and just doing that, right? So in those commercials, you know, what do they do is they ask you how your day was. They just want to talk to you.

Speaker 2 Right. So they turn the camera on, they go, slate your name.
You go, I'm Bobby. Profiles, you do the profiles.
So what were you doing in Halloween? As soon as they ask me, you just go into this bit.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you have to.

Speaker 2 You just make them laugh. Right.

Speaker 2 And then next year you know,

Speaker 2 you get a call. All right.
So it's down to you and four other Brad Pitts. Because they love you.
So then you get called in with everyone in the room. Right.
And then ask me a question.

Speaker 2 They ask you a different question. I don't give a fuck.
I got it. Right.

Speaker 2 Make them to laugh. Right.
Make beep, beep,

Speaker 2 and do, you know, do, and do a funny dance, right? And the next thing you know, you're on a porch.

Speaker 2 You get it. You're on a porch with a turtleneck.
I did a massel haul because I remember drinking the coffee, chopping wood. I've never chopped wood before.
And they just want it to be funny.

Speaker 2 No, they just, they go, you know, they go, why can't it be a fat Asian guy? Yeah, why not? Fat Asian guys like coffee. They like wood.
They like wooden coffee. Why can't they make wooden coffee?

Speaker 2 And I would get a lot of those when I went, you know, just send me in where all the white dudes are being sent. Yeah.
Don't give me the Ching Chong-y ones. Yeah.
Those were for me.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Those I liked. Yeah.
Anyway, I don't know if that's interesting, but probably not. Yes, it is.
It's not. Yes, it is.
What are you looking at all your

Speaker 2 Eric Griffins keeps sexing me?

Speaker 2 What did he say?

Speaker 2 He always just says, says, oh boy, low bar, something, something.

Speaker 2 He's too much. I love him.
No, we do. Well, we like him.
I don't know if we love him, but we like him. Call me back.
Okay,

Speaker 2 I know you don't like talking about Karens.

Speaker 2 I don't. It's just we've talked a lot about Karens.
I know, but every week there's a new Karen, and they're

Speaker 2 more evolved. They're more evolved that they have different fucking stories.
They're changing shape. Yeah.
What's the new Karen? What is the new, I call her the sorcerer San Francisco Karen?

Speaker 2 San Francisco Karen. She's like a sorcerer.
What's her name? She's mythical. You know her name.
Just put San Francisco Karen. It'll come up.

Speaker 2 You know what's so funny about this lady? Yeah. When I saw this video for the first time, Lisa Alexander apologizes for Karen-like confrontation.

Speaker 2 When I saw this woman. I just need to talk about it for a second.
When I saw this woman,

Speaker 2 I literally said out loud, San Francisco. I said it right away.
I could feel it. She has that.

Speaker 2 It's got that San Francisco vibe.

Speaker 2 So talk about it. Or this is it right here.
Are you sure that's it? Yeah, this is him. A white couple call the police on me, a person of color for silent.
Let me just do a backdrop.

Speaker 2 So, this older Filipino man who owns the property of his, you know, you're his house. He owns his house.
He owns the property of his house. Is this your property? Here's that.

Speaker 2 She says, Is this your property? Look at that.

Speaker 2 There's a sorcerer. That should be the

Speaker 2 Salem witch, right? San Francisco tree.

Speaker 2 That should be the fucking commercial.

Speaker 2 Let's play the clip and let's talk about it.

Speaker 1 Is this your property? Hi, I'm asking you if this is your property.

Speaker 2 Why are you asking? Because it's private property.

Speaker 1 Because it's private property.

Speaker 2 So are you defacing private property or is this your building? They're going to smile. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 We're not on people's property. Okay.

Speaker 1 Absolutely. Just respectfully.
Sure. So we're just saying, absolutely, your signs and everything, and that's good.
This is not, this is not the way to do it.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 1 It's private property.

Speaker 2 But if I did live here in a worldwide property, this would be absolutely fine.

Speaker 2 Now,

Speaker 2 let's get to her in frame here a little bit more. Okay, but now let me tell you something.
Let Let me just

Speaker 2 pause right here. Pause right here.
Pause right here.

Speaker 2 Now, if this is happening to me. Outside of your place right now? Yeah, if I'm this guy, this is what I'm feeling.
Thank you, God.

Speaker 2 Give me, yeah. Yes.

Speaker 2 This is what I want in life. Yeah, this is turning you on.

Speaker 2 I would be so turned on because I would play it exactly the way he's playing it. Right, where he didn't, he never said it was his property, even though it was.
He kept going, what does it matter?

Speaker 2 You have to fucking fucking

Speaker 2 fish it. Yeah, yeah, you can tell me.
Here we go. He keeps fishing now.
This guy's a brilliant. This is my property.
This would be absolutely fine. Totally.

Speaker 2 And you don't know if I live here or if this is my property. Perfect.

Speaker 2 Oh, really? Because you live here, right? You said so. Because we know the person who does live here.
Oh, we know the person who lives here. Fly number one.

Speaker 2 And now,

Speaker 2 if that was me,

Speaker 2 a thing that would turn in my head. Like a little noise.
Bing, bing! Right? Yeah. Fly, bing.
And it would make me more excited. Because he knows.
Because now, you know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Well, this is his chance to go, what are their names?

Speaker 2 I thought he was going to be like, who does live here? Yes. Because

Speaker 2 I think I know them. Do we know the same people? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 And he should have just said his name, right? If he just was like, oh, is it Mark? Is it Marcus and Jan? Do they live here?

Speaker 2 That's fucking me.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Then I suggest you call him or

Speaker 2 call the police.

Speaker 2 Or

Speaker 2 because you're accusing me of a crime, correct? What I'm asking you is, why are you so she realizes here, fuck,

Speaker 2 I'm a guy fucked up. Well, she does call him.
I know, but she you can feel her right now in her in her voice go,

Speaker 2 I'm asking you. She knows.

Speaker 2 Here's what drives me crazy. Yeah, you love this.

Speaker 2 This assumption

Speaker 2 is the assumption that this guy

Speaker 2 doesn't own the fucking place. Right.

Speaker 2 Right? Because to me, if I see a guy painting on a wall or whatever, my assumption is that hey, if it's not my fucking wall, it's none of my fucking business.

Speaker 2 Yeah, in fact, if I ever see anybody painting anything on something,

Speaker 2 I don't care. I don't care.
I don't care. Even when like cholos do, you know what I mean? What are you going to go ask them what they're doing? What are your fellows up to?

Speaker 2 I know. Yeah, fucking, what are you, nuts? Yeah.
Mind your own fucking, keep moving.

Speaker 2 The worst thing that can happen is if someone is fucking, like, let's say someone's just graffitiing on a building and you go, hey, don't do that. Now they're going to beat the shit out out of you.

Speaker 2 Mind your own business. Fine.

Speaker 2 I'm not answering you. Okay, that's fair.
Yeah. That's fair.
So your choices are to call the cops. I love it.
Do you believe I'm calling a crime? And I will more than be happy to talk to them.

Speaker 2 Okay, thank you. What's your name, Jude? I'm Lisa.
Lisa, what's your last name? What is your name? What's your name? I'll speak, Lisa.

Speaker 2 What's your name, sir? Robbie. What's your last name, sir? I'm so nervous.

Speaker 2 He's backing up a little bit. He goes like this.
He goes, Yeah. Robbie.

Speaker 2 Robbie. Robbie.
And now he's like um what's your what's your name he robbie let's hear what i think his name i think he said robbie it's just the way he backs up is great yeah your name sir

Speaker 2 what's your last name sir what is your first name sir

Speaker 2 i'm not answering i'm not talking you're talking to me i'm asking you the questions that's another the right the right move

Speaker 2 asking them the question yeah that's what you're saying he's doing that he's doing the right move he's going i'm asking you because basically i'm just gonna translate to you people all right basically he's saying is you people

Speaker 2 to you okay

Speaker 2 basically what he's saying is that like,

Speaker 2 I am just doing what I'm doing.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 I don't know you. Yeah.
Why are you leaving

Speaker 2 my shit? Yeah. Right.

Speaker 2 So I don't have to do shit.

Speaker 2 That's basically the translation. By the way,

Speaker 2 this should be known. This is sidewalk chalk.
And there are people, right, online, because I've been obsessed with this. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I have read a guy who goes, well, why don't you just say your name and just say you own the property and let it go?

Speaker 2 That's people's fucking thing. i know no

Speaker 2 because he he doesn't want to he didn't do anything time out well you're no because he doesn't have to why are you bothering me you're

Speaker 2 he they're coming to him he's not doing anything imagine if i'm on my front lawn oh my god and i'm just trimming something and some guy goes is that your lawn Do you live on that lawn?

Speaker 2 Is this your house? It's the assumption. They're assuming he doesn't live there.
It's the assumption that it's very obvious. It's very obvious.
When people say, why wouldn't you just say your name?

Speaker 2 Because why are you bothering me? Okay, now go keep going

Speaker 2 This is what freaks me out about the video

Speaker 2 Okay, well then call the cops

Speaker 2 Lisa and Robert. Yeah, I'll be right here

Speaker 2 Wait, you forgot the moment where she puts her

Speaker 2 finger on her

Speaker 2 the finger on her when did she do that? She's touching her chest. No, she does a thing while she does this.
I didn't know. I didn't see it.
We played the whole clip.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I think you've passed through it. No, keep playing.

Speaker 1 This is your property? Hi, I'm asking you if this is your property.

Speaker 2 Why are you asking? Because it's private property. I think when you zoomed in,

Speaker 2 keep it clean.

Speaker 2 Are you defacing private property or is this your building?

Speaker 2 You're free to express your opinion.

Speaker 2 But not on people's property. Okay.
Absolutely.

Speaker 3 Just respectfully.

Speaker 2 Sure. So we're just saying

Speaker 2 absolutely. It cuts away.
Why? I don't know. Hold on.

Speaker 1 This is not the way to do it.

Speaker 3 Okay.

Speaker 1 It's private property.

Speaker 2 But if I did live here and it was my property, this would be absolutely fine. Totally.

Speaker 2 And you don't know if I live here or if this is my property. We actually do know.
There is no.

Speaker 2 Pause it there.

Speaker 2 That's okay.

Speaker 2 Pause it there.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 so

Speaker 2 I imagine. Can this be my background for my fucking computer? I imagine, right?

Speaker 2 For some reason, I imagine having sex with her. And she just goes.

Speaker 2 And when you're coming,

Speaker 2 she does that.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. If that happened when you were having sex with somebody like that,

Speaker 2 it would be burned into your fucking psyche forever. While you're having sex, she goes, this is private property.
This is fucking sorcery right there.

Speaker 2 Look at her.

Speaker 2 You know, this is what's funny about San Francisco. And also, I'm going to talk a little shit about San Francisco.
I like that city. I like performing there, okay?

Speaker 2 But I got to tell you, every time I go, I go up the Visadero or whatever that's called, Elephant Heights or whatever the fuck.

Speaker 2 You look at the amount of fucking wealth there. It's sickening.
It's insane. You're like, these fucking rich fucks could save the world.
San Francisco is this like liberal

Speaker 2 island where they're like, we're the most progressive. Yeah.
Meanwhile, there's a house worth $50 million fucking dollars. You're too young to know what I'm talking about here.
Okay.

Speaker 2 Don't do that. I know who Cat Stevens is, dad.

Speaker 2 You're too young to experience this. I hate when people say that, but go ahead.
Okay. Yeah, go ahead.
Is that I've been playing the San Francisco punchline since the late 90s. Yeah, I know.

Speaker 2 I wasn't born yet. Go ahead.
And the difference between

Speaker 2 the audiences now and then, night and day. In what way?

Speaker 2 When you played San Francisco, you would couldn't sleep because you couldn't wait.

Speaker 2 Because the audiences were so wild.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 You would see a lot of different colors. A lot of different kinds of people.
Different kinds of people. Beatniks, pipe.
But not only just beatniks, but also just like...

Speaker 2 Every type of person. But what it was, is there enjoying it, and you can say whatever you want, and they would stand up, and it would be, you would crush harder than in any other room.
Can I tell you?

Speaker 2 And now

Speaker 2 it's like doing a fucking EA convention. I'm going to go, I'm going to, I'm going to completely combat what you just said.
No way.

Speaker 2 I just played last year. I just played up there at Cobbs.

Speaker 2 I literally said to my agent, I cannot believe how free it was. In my mind, I thought, fuck, San Francisco has always kind of been this tight place the last couple of years.

Speaker 2 The Pacific Northwest has this thing. No, dude, San Francisco was fucking incredible.
Now, granted, I'm sure a lot of those people didn't live on the island. They weren't a bunch.
Did you play Cobbs?

Speaker 2 I play both of them, but Molly wouldn't let me play Punch because

Speaker 2 of what happened because of the fucking,

Speaker 2 you know, the lease and they couldn't

Speaker 2 contracts had to change for everybody. So she was like, do you want to sell more tickets or not? I said, I don't want to play Cobbs.
I don't want that big room. I like the small punch.

Speaker 2 And she goes, do you want to sell tickets or not and i said okay so i went over there and i sold out four shows at cops so it it was well worth it and i got to tell you every fucking audience not one oh none of that oh maybe i should play comms it was awesome i should play it was i used to think that i was nervous about the northwest being like oh what if they they don't like that i do a questionable nah Because the last time I had to play Cobbs, you know, ask Al Madrigal, I had a nervous breakdown and I collapsed into the kitchen and I took my shirt off and I started crying like a little baby.

Speaker 2 And Natasha Lejeur had to pick me up. Because you were just eating it? No, I did a corporate event at Cobb's for Facebook.
Well, dude. And I was last.
It was Ian Edwards was there too.

Speaker 2 And I bombed so badly that I took my shirt off. I went to the kitchen of Cobbs.
I went into a thing.

Speaker 2 And then also, so that's the first, the second time at Cobb's, before that is where Ken Jung physically assaulted me.

Speaker 2 He punched me, tried to punch me in the face. And then Steve Byrne had to separate us.
When you guys were on tour together.

Speaker 2 That's a long story, but he separated us and I had to get back on a plane and go home. Damn.
So I had two bad things happen at Cobb's. This is why.
You got to wipe that away from your brain.

Speaker 2 It's still there. Gone.
Look at me. I need a science seance.
It's gone. Okay.
Mumbai's old.

Speaker 2 It's gone.

Speaker 2 You don't think about that. It's changed.
That stuff has changed a lot. Trust me.

Speaker 2 I know what you're saying.

Speaker 2 So two things. Bobby came over last night.
Oh, my God. And we ate dinner together and we had steaks.
And Bobby ordered.

Speaker 2 i'm gonna give bob's order there was only three of us right bobby ordered prime rib

Speaker 2 uh two corn on the cobs um artichoke steamed spinach i'm sorry cream spinach the garlic bread the big order a cup of clam chowder right

Speaker 2 uh we had

Speaker 2 we had and you and you fillet

Speaker 2 my wife had fillets and onion rings that's it and and and and green beans and salads And...

Speaker 2 That's it. No, there's one more thing you ordered that I'm missing.

Speaker 2 You ate the green beans and the steak. Oh, no, that was mine.
That was yours. That's right.

Speaker 2 That was mine. Yeah, yeah.
Bobby ordered. And two Diet Cokes.
Two Diet Cokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bobby ordered. Everything on the menu.
Everything on one side of the menu.

Speaker 2 And when we were calling, the guy kept going like this. Okay.

Speaker 2 And then I added, he goes, okay. Oh, and barbecue baked beans.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you had barbecue baked beans.
That's right. That's right.

Speaker 2 And then he started, okay. Okay.
And then it started going. How many many utensils would you like? 36? Yeah, he couldn't fucking believe.
Like I said, just three people. Yeah.

Speaker 2 The guy goes, three people? Because I haven't ordered at a restaurant in a very long time. You ordered so much food.
It was insane. Did I eat most of it? You ate a lot of it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You ate a lot of it. I know I did.
The only one, the one thing that you do that most people can get over that I can't with eating, you slurp. You slurp.
Beans, you slurp. It was hard to watch.

Speaker 2 I love you, but you were

Speaker 2 baked beets.

Speaker 2 And when you dip that steak in the horseradish sauce, my, my, my,

Speaker 2 my, my, my.

Speaker 2 Too much a sauce.

Speaker 2 Oh, my.

Speaker 2 Yeah. You were like,

Speaker 2 it was. I was astounded at your etiquette.
Yeah, because I eat like a fucking pilgrimage. No, you guys sit there like fucking.
Like grown-ups. No, like it's a, you know, like.
Pilgrims. Like fucking

Speaker 2 little house in the prairie pilgrims. What does that even mean? Upright, upright, white people.
Upright, right? You pick up utensils, right? You lock each other in the eyes, right?

Speaker 2 And you just, you know what I mean? Like

Speaker 2 Stepford-wise. The whole time we ate, we go like this.
We go, is this your private property?

Speaker 2 Do you live here? And doing this move. Do you live here? And I eat like a fucking immigrant.
You eat.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 I want to eat what I eat. You eat as if I imagined the original humans ate.
That's fine. But they hunted all day.
That's right. And they exercised all day and they finally got food.
That's right.

Speaker 2 And then they had to wait to cook it. And then when they were done, they wouldn't wait.
They would just

Speaker 2 ravage it. Meanwhile, we ordered out, picked it up.
You didn't even have to go get it. I had to wait.

Speaker 2 I had to fucking wait and sit in your uncomfortable living room on the

Speaker 2 couch and just do small talk. What's uncomfortable about it? Oh, what's uncomfortable? What's beautiful gray walls? What's uncomfortable about it?

Speaker 2 Your house looks like a fucking anthropology store.

Speaker 2 Okay. Just conks and fucking candly and just light light and light and airy and nice.

Speaker 2 It's light and nice. It's fucking bullshit.
And I have to sit there and get a fucking body. You live in a booger cave.
You live in a booger cave. Oh! With skin shrapnel.
What's going on in politics?

Speaker 2 I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck about...
Look at my backyard. And we go in backyard.
I'm like, this is fucking... What is this? How nice is the backyard? Beautiful.
Yeah. What is it?

Speaker 2 Beautiful pool. You know what I mean? And I have to pretend.
And then what would you like to eat?

Speaker 2 Come on, white. Let's fucking do it.
Let's eat now. Now, this is you just being racist.
Now, not being racist. See, I had to wait.
You just don't like whites.

Speaker 2 You just don't like whites. Don't yell, dude.
You act silly. You don't like whites.
No, I'm just saying.

Speaker 2 I had to wait and pretend

Speaker 2 that I cared about. Don't you wish you had a video game controller? And I had to sit there and eat there and then be.

Speaker 2 And now I'm not going to ever do it again because now you're making fun of the way I eat. No, I wasn't making fun of them.
And the slurping and the slurping. Two things.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 One, when you left, you literally said, hey, I really enjoyed this, and I do want to do it again. Didn't you?

Speaker 2 And then you got in your car, you got a cigarette,

Speaker 2 and then I called you, and we had a conversation, and you really did enjoy it. And I said, you know what? I'd never done it before, so yeah, I enjoyed it.
It was different. It was different.

Speaker 2 And I asked, why can't Rudy come? But you didn't want her. Was she on, is she in trouble? Rudy doesn't like you.

Speaker 2 Look at that face. That calls out bullshit.

Speaker 2 Do you not like me that much? Would you not come over and I would have a good dinner for you? You don't want to come over, huh?

Speaker 2 She's paranoid because even on the way over here, I joke, can I get some coffee? I'll tell

Speaker 2 Auntie Kalila that you do it.

Speaker 2 I'll tell Aunt Auntie Kalila,

Speaker 2 we have GPS on the

Speaker 2 car. We'll know.
She'll know.

Speaker 2 It's like she's a fucking,

Speaker 2 and you know, all these people on the internet go, you got to be nicer to Rudy. She has to be nicer to me.
You, you do, you do take a lot of abuse from Rudy.

Speaker 2 I get abuse from her and Kalila all the fucking time. I'm tired of it.
You guys boss him around. I'm going to tell you another fucking bullshit

Speaker 2 thing she did. Here we go.

Speaker 2 So I go to Gold Belly. And I haven't told you how mad I am about Gold Bell.
What's Gold Belly? Gold Belly is an app online, and you can order food from all over the country. Oh, now I want to see it.

Speaker 2 Gold Belly. It's an app online.
And you can get, you know, delicious. They have like recommended things.
So I get my Lou Milales from there. I get different pizzas from there.
Love. I get barbecue.

Speaker 2 But I also get this.

Speaker 2 I get chicken pot pies and beef pies from a company out of New York.

Speaker 2 What's it called? So we can rep rep up. I'll show you.
I have to go in my Gold Belly real quick.

Speaker 2 Are you a pot pie person?

Speaker 2 She doesn't like it. You know how pot pies, you eat pot pies, and it's so hot that even when you're done, it's still hot.
So here's Gold Belly right here.

Speaker 2 And I'm going to show you some of my transactions here. So this is it.
You can go over here and get bagel. By the way, this isn't a sponsor of ours.
We're just going to get it.

Speaker 2 I'm just telling you, I like it. Okay.
So my account, right?

Speaker 2 And I go to

Speaker 2 my orders, okay?

Speaker 2 What do you order from Goldbell?

Speaker 2 I've gotten Lumal Nadis, four of those. I love Carol, Ba, Kitty, Party, Family Meal.

Speaker 2 It's like Indian food. Keddie Ba.
Wait, Keddie Ba, what? My pie pizza. I get deep pizzas there.
But this is, I get Panberries double crust hand pies.

Speaker 2 Wait a minute.

Speaker 2 You get pizzas from Lumal Nadis and from Pie Guy. I get them from six different companies.

Speaker 2 Jesus. So I get this thing called Panberries Double Crust Hand Pies.

Speaker 2 Okay. Okay.
So they come frozen.

Speaker 2 Listen to me when I'm talking to you. I am listening to you.
Okay. I'm just looking at this belly thing.

Speaker 2 So they're in, they come in a box. This is gold belly.
And I get 12 pies. They're about this big.
Okay. Listen to me.
I am.

Speaker 2 And so they come to the door, and Kalila has a thing where I can't touch anything that comes to the door. Rudy has to clean it all and disinfect everything.
Right? I know.

Speaker 2 You made her disinfect a red bull.

Speaker 2 She leaves my pies out there

Speaker 2 for two days.

Speaker 2 Melt.

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 So then she doesn't tell me. Yeah.
And she freezes them that way.

Speaker 2 So now, like, now the pies come in a plastic wrapping. Right.
And when they melt, all the filling inside

Speaker 2 pours out. So the plastic's filled now, frozen with the filling that's inside the fucking pie, right? And she just puts it in the freezer and she doesn't tell me.
Wait, why is it?

Speaker 3 So I'm like, hey, shit.

Speaker 2 Hey, shit. I wake up one day.
Hey, shit.

Speaker 2 I want a pie today. Hey, shit, I want a pie today.

Speaker 2 I go to the pie and I pick them up. And the fucking

Speaker 2 pie, the crust is still there, but there's holes in the bottom where all the filling had spilled out into the thing. So now I'm just getting crust.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Right? And all 12 of them are that way, and I've been eating it that way, but all the shit fucking oozed out.

Speaker 2 Did you apologize?

Speaker 2 i only made the mistake once and because you didn't tell me that the package arrived because i never go down and i don't know when it arrived she didn't know and the fillings didn't go out only the oil went out oh hey hey slow down hey you relax

Speaker 2 sit down

Speaker 2 rudy no no no no no rudy no no no no no no no no it was just the oil all right all right all right so was he exaggerating no uh stop stop rude

Speaker 2 i love you stop rude bob let me tell you this, Andrew. All right.

Speaker 2 When I'm ordering,

Speaker 2 okay, so I'll show you my orders, okay? I want to see. I want to show you my orders, okay?

Speaker 2 So, this, okay. So, I get, let's go to it.

Speaker 2 I fall in love with you. I fall deeply in love with you when you get into these things.
So, I, okay. The way I look at you when you're

Speaker 2 like a little,

Speaker 2 you're like a little too excited right now. Okay, so I got

Speaker 2 two

Speaker 2 braised pork pies. Yes.
Two country chicken pies. Okay.

Speaker 2 Two

Speaker 2 breakfast chicken, southern chicken pies.

Speaker 2 Oh, look. I didn't get

Speaker 2 oil pies.

Speaker 2 Since I didn't get oil pies, how the fuck?

Speaker 2 Is there not oil pies in that menu? Oil. Is there no

Speaker 2 fucking thing? It's the filling, not the oil. It's not the filling, because if it won't be the filling, there will be like meat.
No, here's a wait, timeout. Let me investigate.

Speaker 2 Is there meat spilling from outside of it? No.

Speaker 2 Oh, so it isn't. It's something else.

Speaker 2 When you open up a pie, a Panberry pie, it's delicious. Let me close my eyes.
I see it. Go ahead.
Imagine this. I am.
Imagine this. Imagine the feeling inside the pie is a stew.
Oh, I love it.

Speaker 2 All right. When I ask you what a stew is, what does that consist of?

Speaker 2 Chunks of meat and potatoes and carrots. But what's the most important thing in a stew? The gravy, the juice.
The juice. The juice.
Right? Yeah. The most important thing is the juice.
The juice.

Speaker 2 The juice juice is gone the juice is gone the juice is gone the juice is gone

Speaker 2 the juice has now filled into the plastic so when you open up it's frozen so i have to put just beef

Speaker 2 right and potato chunks with no juice can you just crack them and put them back in the pie and cook no you can't you can't it's like a frozen ice block you can't crack them all you could you can crack it and put it on top of the shell of the pie and have it melt it over that sounds good too it doesn't sound good doesn't sound good because i don't want a moist ball.

Speaker 2 I don't want a moist ball of a body. Do they not sell moist balls on that menu? So, you never apologize for that.
And

Speaker 2 I'm being nice to Rudy.

Speaker 2 I'm being nice to her. And I never

Speaker 2 yelled at her about it. But that is what she did.
Did you not do that, though?

Speaker 2 Okay. Say, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Okay.

Speaker 2 She's so fucking nice. She's a nice girl.
That's why I didn't yell at her until now.

Speaker 2 No, I've been eating these fucking

Speaker 2 balls of dough. Yeah.
You know what I mean? Yeah. They're delicious, but that's not what I want.
That's not what you initially intended.

Speaker 2 Daddy wants a pie. Yeah, daddy wants a pie.
Well, how about this? Yeah. But it's a great company.
If you ever go to Gold Belly, you got to get these panberry

Speaker 2 pies.

Speaker 2 And I love the mushroom chicken. Why are you, let me ask you this.
Why are you guys leaving it outside for so long?

Speaker 2 That's to disinfect it? Is that what that is? Yeah, we don't have to.

Speaker 2 You're not supposed to leave it out there for days. Why don't you guys just spray it inside?

Speaker 2 Take it inside and spray it with alcohol. Because she just, you know, we live in a, you know,

Speaker 2 listen to us, people have different points of views.

Speaker 2 This is about the pandy. Oh, right.
And, you know, we are taking it real safe. Sure.
And we, and, you know, people go, are you scared? Yeah, I'm scared. Why wouldn't you be? I'm a smoker.
I'm scared.

Speaker 2 Seriously? We had this conversation when the pandemic. Sebastian said to me once, you know, when the pandemic started, he goes, you have nothing to worry about.

Speaker 2 You're going to be fine. And I go, Sebastian, you have nothing to worry about because you're athletic.
I don't, that doesn't make a difference anymore.

Speaker 2 Oh, you have a great body, that doesn't make any great Italian body. I know, trust me.
But for me,

Speaker 2 you know, I don't think the smoking thing is going to be the detriment for you. What is it?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 2 You just said it as if there was a detriment. I just think, I think it that health has a lot to do with it.

Speaker 2 Yeah, beyond the smoking, I'm talking about just diet. Oh, yeah.
What did I do today when I woke up? Yoga.

Speaker 2 Yeah, did you do 30 or an hour?

Speaker 2 45. Oh, you did 45? We were supposed to do 75.
How intense, though? Was it stretch? With a lot of stretching? Why did you add that part? Because she knows. Because she knows what I'm asking.

Speaker 2 She knows exactly what I'm asking. Was it hard?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was kind of hard. Did you sweat? Yeah.
Did you? Why are you looking at her? Did you sweat?

Speaker 2 I know she sweat because she probably puts in the effort.

Speaker 2 How about this? Because you were supposed to do Wednesday with us. I know I bailed.
And you bailed. I bailed.
You bail a lot. First of all, I have a lot of people.
You bail on a lot of things.

Speaker 2 I had a sever in my leg. Did you ever play Warzone with me? No.
Did you ever go to the Korean spa with me? Well, we can't do that. Did you ever do yoga? We can't do the yoga.
We can do anything.

Speaker 2 I back up everything I say. Did I come over to your uncomfortable house? I did.
Did I eat dinner? We had a good time. Yeah, shut the fuck up.
You're being such an exaggerated dick. I know.

Speaker 2 I bailed on yoga for one reason, and I can tell you this right now.

Speaker 2 I am going to, I am going to a...

Speaker 2 I'm going to a podiatrist next week. I think I got to get surgery on my fucking leg now.
No, you're doing yoga with us Wednesday. No, I'm serious.
I've let this go for too long. This is bad.

Speaker 2 Look at how gross that looks. You see how red and swollen it is? Yeah.
I let it go for too long and I thought it was like, oh, it'll just heal itself. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So I wake up Wednesday morning and I go, fuck, I don't think I can do yoga. And then I'm thinking, no, man, I'll just go walk around the neighborhood.
I'll take the dog for a walk. Then I go inside.

Speaker 2 My ankle is swollen. Your dog, though.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, your dog reminds me of my brother's dog. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Just, you can tell.

Speaker 2 I don't know why you got lucky, but you could tell he's a good guy.

Speaker 2 It's a girl.

Speaker 2 It's a girl. Whatever.
We did put a penis on it, but it is a girl. It is the most loving.

Speaker 2 It sat next to me. She went right up to you.

Speaker 2 You know what's so funny is when someone says that you got lucky, I believe that to be true. I used to think I was like, no, dogs take after the way you treat them and the owner.
No.

Speaker 2 No, you get lucky. I have good friends that have dogs that are just fucking assholes, that tear shit up, that poop on everything.
She doesn't do any of that stuff. We have one of those.

Speaker 2 You have an asshole. Oh, I have a fucking, I have an update on fucking Leonard.
Leonard, bam, ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba. I got an update.
What happened? Oh, this is a great one. This is great.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 did I tell you, we ordered a spa for it? Yeah. So the spa.
Yeah. Then she ordered

Speaker 2 a full-blown tree thing that came to that. You guys are going to spend 50 grand on a bird.

Speaker 2 Can I just show you what my fucking

Speaker 2 patio looks like?

Speaker 2 It's disgusting.

Speaker 2 I'll show you what the patio is.

Speaker 2 Have you guys sprayed it down at all or cleaned it all?

Speaker 2 You can't really see it, but like.

Speaker 2 Let me see.

Speaker 2 Oh, bro. Get a hose.
Right. So, this is essentially, you know, these branches, right? There's the spa that they ordered.
Oh, my God. There's so much poop.
There's so much poop. I know, I know.

Speaker 2 Why don't you guys? Can you not? So, what happens this morning is

Speaker 2 put some of those meat pieces outside, and he's gone

Speaker 2 today? Yeah. He's gone? Right, so then what happened was he flew but couldn't fully make it.
So he ended up on somebody else's lawn, right?

Speaker 2 And, you know,

Speaker 2 it's like going, I'm leaving the four seasons. I'm going to a Motel 6.
Right. He went from tip-top to bottom.
Yeah, to bottom. And now he's on somebody else's lawn.

Speaker 2 None of our business. Kalila probably cares.
None of our business.

Speaker 2 Do you miss Leonard?

Speaker 2 You know what? Did you care? No, you don't. We talked about it in the car.
His wings are still broken. No, no, no, no.
His wings are broken still.

Speaker 2 I

Speaker 2 asked her in the car, and you have to be honest with me. I go, do you love Leonard? She goes, yeah.

Speaker 2 And I go,

Speaker 2 if Leonard died, would you cry? She goes, no.

Speaker 2 And I go, then I go, have you ever cried in a movie? She goes, yeah.

Speaker 2 What movie?

Speaker 2 No, it's just a love story. I love it.
What? Which one?

Speaker 2 A Walk to Remember. Oh, yeah.
What a movie. And I go, what scene? When she dies, right? I go, you love that scene more than you love Leonard.
Oh, boy. I said, I don't know if I would cry.

Speaker 2 You wouldn't cry. You know you wouldn't cry.
I would cry. She'd cry.
You just told me in the car that you wouldn't cry. I thought, I don't know.
She would cry.

Speaker 2 She wouldn't be heavy, but she would cry.

Speaker 2 the dog, if, if, if one of your animals died, would you cry? Yeah, because I love them. But for how long?

Speaker 2 It would devastate me. For how long? I would get one of them cloned.

Speaker 2 Do you know that? Really? Can you do that? Oh, yeah. You can get your animal cloned now? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Meryl Streep did it. How expensive is that? $50,000.
You would do that? Fuck yeah. Gobi? Yeah.
Wait, can I do that? How old are they? How do you do that? You got to get their fingernails or something.

Speaker 2 You send it to Korea. Right before they die, you got got to get their DNA.
Send it away. Send it away.
How long does it take? And they clone the children. A couple of months.

Speaker 2 Wow, this is a great idea. Then you really never lose your family, don't you? Meryl Streep or one of those actresses did that.
Her dog. Brooke Shields.
She was the inventor of it.

Speaker 2 The Brooke Shields clone your dog.

Speaker 2 I can't believe that you

Speaker 2 clone. You're going to clone Goby?

Speaker 2 I would clone Goby, but then you think, right? Isn't that creepy? Clone a dog? They can't clone humans. They have to clone clone humans.
You don't think they've, I think they've done it already.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but then, but then if we can clone humans? I've always asked this question. Let me ask you this question.
Oh, boy. Do you believe in God? I believe in a being, yes.
Okay.

Speaker 2 I don't know what it is, but I know it's there. So if we can clone a human,

Speaker 2 are we creating life or is God still creating life?

Speaker 2 Hmm.

Speaker 2 Okay. Well, that's complex.
I don't I believe in a thing. I don't believe in a man in the sky.
I don't believe in that.

Speaker 2 I I believe in a universal power or energy that's massive that we'll never be able to wrap our brains around. So in that regard, it's all creating without our knowledge.

Speaker 2 Things are being created without our knowledge. So do I think

Speaker 2 we live in a fucking alternate universe, dude?

Speaker 2 None of this is real.

Speaker 2 This is a simulation. You're freaking me out, right? You live in a simulation.
You're freaking me out.

Speaker 2 Let me give you a theory. No, no, no.
Let me give you a theory. It's not a simulation.
The way you look at her, okay? The way she looks to you, right?

Speaker 2 When you look at her, you know her characteristics. You've seen her before.
You've created that image of who you think she is in your mind. That energy is real.
She exists.

Speaker 2 But she looks different to me than she does to you. When you look at her right now, you think I see her the same way you do? Like she looks Cambodian to me.
I don't know what you're saying.

Speaker 2 You look Cambodian. No, but what you see of her physically, all her physical attributes, they don't look the same to me.
We just assume they do. Because we live in a fucking simulation.

Speaker 2 We've created these universes the way we want to create it's funny because I first thought you know when she first moved it, mushrooms. Right.

Speaker 2 She looked like a mushroom. No, she, um, I thought, oh, she looks, you know, like a young, but now she looks exactly, I don't know why.
And you take offense to this.

Speaker 2 Looks like she takes offense to this, but she looks exactly like her mom to me. Well, that's not, why, I mean, she is a child of her mother.
Why would that be a fucking you see reflections of her?

Speaker 2 And then I call her her mom's, and she gets really angry. Well, that's annoying.
I call her honey.

Speaker 2 Why? That's her mom's name. Oh, your mom's name is Honey? Yeah.

Speaker 2 What? Is that her real name?

Speaker 2 Her full name is Honey Loose. Honey Loose? That's a great name.
Honey Loose. Yeah.
Honey Loose. But you know, Filipinos,

Speaker 2 they name their people's

Speaker 2 kids' names crazy shit. What do you mean? Like

Speaker 2 three people have named their kids COVID.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that's fine. I know.
It's kind of cool. Or paperclip.

Speaker 2 They just name their kids in a weird way. Sewer head.
Yeah. You know what? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Here's a little song we wrote

Speaker 2 for all the dads out there.

Speaker 2 We see you.

Speaker 2 We see you working on that grill.

Speaker 2 It's getting real hot.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know that long

Speaker 2 looks damn fine, daddy.

Speaker 2 We understand what all the moms see.

Speaker 2 She got the dad in his new balance skins. Tommy Bahama, three buttons undone.

Speaker 2 There goes your dad riding on his mower.

Speaker 2 Just glistening in the hot summer sun.

Speaker 2 So high,

Speaker 2 dad bites.

Speaker 2 See our bullets coming through.

Speaker 2 So hot

Speaker 2 We won't

Speaker 2 tell you what we wanna do We wanna fuck your dad

Speaker 2 A good time will be had

Speaker 2 When we fuck your dance

Speaker 2 We know your mom will be mad

Speaker 2 When we fuck your dance

Speaker 2 Show me how to drive

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 2 We wanna fuck your dance, everybody.

Speaker 2 We wanna fuck your dance.

Speaker 2 We wanna fuck your dance.

Speaker 2 We wanna fuck your dance, yeah.

Speaker 2 Happy Father's Day.