Daddy Why You Die?

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Welcome to another episode of bad friends, everybody. Yesterday was yesterday was yesterday was father's day and oh boy I miss my dad and the thing is I wanted to write a Father's Day song and I told you I was going to do that too yeah you promised me and I thought you weren't going to do it I'm being serious and I forgot about it and then we were sitting here outside waiting for you because you were late I wasn't late I was getting you sugar free sugar-free Red Bull.
Rudy, was I getting sugar-free Red Bull? Yeah. See? Okay, but were we here before I called him? Dude, you called me.
It doesn't matter. No, no.
You called me and said... Can we do the Father's Day? What's you angry about? You always do this to me.
You trample on me. Trample, trample.
You're trampled. You trample on me.
Trample, trample. You trample, trample.
That's you. Trample, trample.
Yeah, yeah. Go ahead, Tramply.
So, you know, while we were waiting for you, because we were early.

Because I got sugar real, you go.

Yeah, and I wrote a song real quick.

Because I write a lot of music on my garage band, so I just came up with it.

I have an older, like, weird song.

You know what I mean?

So I wrote a song for my dad.

Okay, let's hear it.

All right.

Daddy, I love you.

Daddy, why you die?

Happy Father's Day,

Daddy.

Daddy,

I can fly.

Daddy, I miss you.

Why are you dead? Why did you die? Daddy, I need you I need you so badly Laying in your bed Laying in your bed I'm sorry I took photos of you while you were dead And sent it to the Hudson's what was in my head You were dead and I whipped out my phone I can't fucking believe I did that shit I'm all alone Miss you, Daddy, I love you Okay, there we go. That's a song.
Very good. Very good song.
I Miss You, Dad. And he died 11 months ago.
Wait, was it already 11 months ago? Oh, my God. It's terrible.
Rest in peace, Daddy. It's been a terrible, terrible 12 months.
It's been bad. Yeah, it's been bad.
We had – my dad died last August and then the pandemic. Then the pandemic came.
You sound like it's fake. You're saying like it's not a real – It's not real.
Yeah, that's DL. Can you – we'll talk about that later.
We'll talk about it later. And then – DL, Jesus.
DL. And then poor – Then a massive injustice that happened once again for the thousandth time.
And then last Tuesday something happened that was just as shocking and terrifying to me. Yeah, same.
I want people to know that I don't know what I don't know. The news that you received Tuesday is the same exact new information that we received.
Yeah, we were not privy to any of that stuff and did not know. And we found out when you found out.
I think that that kind of behavior is abhorrent. I resent it.
And it's not good. No.
It was awful and shocking and very, quite frankly, taking us all aback. I mean we call each other and you sit in disbelief because you don't know, we don't know this stuff and we're finding this stuff out at the same time.
People are and people are throwing around questions to everybody. We don't know.
I haven't, we haven't slept. I mean, and what we know now is we're, it's really, it's really, it's really disappointing.
It's really sad. And I think all we can say is we hope he gets help.
And that's it. And that's all we can say.
I mean, like, you know. That's all we can say, yeah.
But we want to continue to do our bad friend show. Can we do our bad friend show? We want to do our bad friend show, Yeah.
And we started with a dead dad song, which I think is good.

I have two dads.

I brag to you very, very heavily about that.

But when you say that.

No.

At first, because you've been saying that all day. I only had one dad.

I know your mom looks like a man.

But is that what you're saying?

That my mom looks like a man.

I have two dads.

My mom is very pretty.

I put pictures of her online.

She's a very pretty woman.

I've seen your mom.

Your mom is beautiful. No, she's not.
The little BTS troll. I put pictures of her online.
She's a very pretty woman. I've seen your mom.
Yeah, my mom's beautiful.

No, she's not.

The little BTS troll.

I've seen her.

Really?

You want to see my mom?

No.

Yeah, I'm going to show you my mom.

Yeah, let's see your mom.

All right.

Here's my dad holding me, by the way.

When I was a baby.

What's so fucking funny?

What's so funny?

That's my...

Me as a baby?

Look at your dad's head. Your dad's my whole...
Me as a baby?

Look at your dad's head.

Your dad's head is huge.

It makes sense why your fucking melon is so big.

Your dad's head is massive.

Look at how big his dad's melon is.

I can't help it.

I'm Korean.

Do all Koreans have big heads?

Yes, we're generally a big-headed people.

I don't know.

That's huge.

That looks like a fucking helium balloon.

Next to my baby head, it's...

Next to my baby head, it looks big.

Your baby head looks like my head as an adult.

All right, so...

And then this is my mother.

That's my mother.

It's so fucking funny.

Is she cross-eyed?

Yeah, she is cross-eyed.

Hey, fuck you.

And that's my mom and... You made fun of my parents.
You're the one that said I have two dads. I don't know what to fucking assume.
I do have two dads. Well, I have two.
Technically, I have two dads. You really? So you're because.
My mom remarried. My mom.
Oh, she did. My mom is a strong, independent, badass woman.
What happened to OG dad? He's still alive. He abandoned you.
No, he didn't. He abandoned the family.
Did he abandon you? Your resentment? No, he went away to prison. Is that the one that you were just talking to earlier? No.
That was my stepdad. Your fake dad.
My stepdad. Not your real dad.
No, that is my real dad. Your real dad.
That's not biological blood dad. My biological father went away to prison.
Did he really? Yeah, a few times. Why? See, now everything comes so clear to me.
It comes to a point and I can figure things out. Because I'm thinking to myself, you know what I mean? Where does his like...
No, he had... My parents got divorced when I was young.
Your rage though. Your rage and your anger.
Where does that come from? Let me say, can I talk? Your original dad? Your original dad. You...
My parents got divorced when I was young. My mom is a strong, badass, independent, hardcore.

Thick woman.

Beautiful woman.

Yes.

Who is a fucking gangster who raised me by herself.

Great.

Like a G.

Great.

Started at the bottom.

I know.

I love your mom.

She's a gangster.

She's a fucking badass woman.

Okay.

Respect my mother.

All right.

So what happened to your original dad?

Unfortunately, he's a drug addict and he got caught up in the drug scene and went away. But, I mean, he's been sober and healthy for a long time.
And so did he start a new family? I used to joke, my dad has more kids than my black friends have shoes. Whoa.
Too soon. What the fuck are you talking about? After George Floyd? Come on, man on shut the fuck up hey um so you have other you have stepbrothers and sisters those are half those are that means half you have half ones yeah those are half and so you ever mention them that you don't consider them real no no i i don't know most of my dad's side of the i don't know a lot of them like we like we just went separate ways in life oh so you don't know you't know.
You have half brothers and sisters out there. Yeah, they're your halves.
That you've never met or talked to? I have one that's like a couple years younger than me. How old is she? Well, I'm 36 and she must be 33 after my mom split for my dad.
Is that incest if you point because you don't want to raise together? I mean if I do like Latino chicks and – no. Come on.
No, but I've never met her. I don't even know who she is.
But she's a couple years younger than me and I don't know who she is. And does she have the same last name as you, Centeno? No, because I don't think – my father and her mother never got married.
They just had a child together. They never got married.
So she has the last name of her mother. Right.
My dad didn't remarry. Do you have the last name of your OG dad? Yeah.
Santino was my, my, my birth name, a birth name. And is your sister, the one that you know, my, my sister, my real sister.
Well, she's no, I'm an only child. She's my half.
She's from my stepdad and my mom. Wow.
But my, but my, the one I i'm referring to the one that's like 33 who i don't know i've never met before is a grown woman who my dad had a couple years after my parent my mom and him split why don't you guys get together i don't know maybe she doesn't fucking want to get together have you tried no do you know her name and all that we're not gonna say it but you don't know i don't i don't know don't know her name. You don't even fucking know her name? Dude, it was a story that I didn't learn until literally a couple years ago.
I was told this story later in life of like, hey, you have a sister. So you have no relationship with OG? With her? No, with your original dad.
Oh, yes, I do. Yes, I do.
Yes, I do. Yes, I do.
You never said, hey, dad, do I have any half brothers and sisters? No, that's what I'm saying. He told me later in life.
Okay. Yeah.
But also, I was like, oh, my God, I have a 34-year-old or whatever, 33-year-old. It's crazy to think someone is almost your age that you've never met in 30 years, 30 some odd years.
That is strange. Right? You don't even know.
It's blood. Blood is there.
Yeah. You don't even know it.
Like, like, like all of us have some kind of family member that we've never met before. Like, I know some people have family members that I've heard this from.
There was a comic. Oh, I don't want to mention his name.
This was crazy, though. He learned his father had a had another family was like not married, but was like raising another entire another family with a woman who had kids from another family and they raised a kids together that they had.
And it didn't exist until he was in his late twenties. Oh my God.
I'll tell you off air who it was. It's dude.
It, it, it put him in a spiral. It's spiraling that he's like, wait a minute.
I have, you have, I have sisters and brothers with someone I've never even met. Yeah.
20 some odd years. It's funny because when you find out things about people like that, Like that they have another.
No, you see even dark shit. Huh? Like, you know, I worked with this girl once on a show.
What show? I can't tell you. Because I don't want people to narrow it down and go, it's this person.
Sure. So I worked with this person on the show.
And this person, like, whenever I would do scenes with her, like, they would say cut. And I'd go, that was good.
And she would just kind of look at me like that. And I'd go.
Did you like it? And then I'd go, what'd you do this weekend? Nothing. You know what I mean? That kind of.
You go to craft service, right? Lunchtime. She's eating the spoons? No, she's sitting by herself.
Oh, go sit with her. I do.
I would go. You know what I mean? Like,'m the popular kid at school.
You. Yeah, with my Letterman jacket.
Can you imagine one of those high school movies that all the good-looking kids are nerds and you're the popular kid? I'm the popular kid, yeah. And you walk around and you're like, what's up, ladies? Everyone's like, Bobby's here.
Yeah, yeah. I like to hang out with the stoners or whatever, right? And the weird nerds.
So I go – I would sit next to her and go, wow, fuck. You know what I mean? Chicken again or something.
She would just eat chicken. Well, no.
We – you know, sometimes craft service, they just have one piece of kind of – Oh, yeah. It's kind of a ghetto.
So I go, chicken again. And she'd just be like, yeah, chicken.
And she would just eat it, right? And I was like, I can't get through. Like, we're on a show together.
Yeah. Right? Were you acting in scenes together or no? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
One time. Wait, wait.
Finish this, though. She was eating alone.
Yeah, she would eat alone a lot. And I would go.
And she would just give me cross eyes. Yeah, chicken.
And just eat. Never ask about me.

But you'd sit there in silence and just eat a meal with her? I'd sit there in silence and just go, what else can I say?

You don't need to get it going.

You know what I mean?

Wow, the new fucking Radiohead album.

I don't get it.

In Rainbows?

I don't get it.

She's like, what's a Radiohead?

What's a rainbow?

Do you mean your car?

Yeah, it was that kind of thing.

So what?

And then one time in the scene, I had to pull her hair.

What?

Yeah, in a scene i had to pull her hair like a sex scene no it was a sex scene it was a violent scene like you were fighting her yeah holy shit and i had to pull her hair right and um she had wig on i didn't know that right so i pulled the wig and her thing, the bobby pins were going to her scalp. I was pulling it and then blood was coming down into her face.
And she was going, what the hell? You know what I mean? Because maybe I was trying to get a response out of her. How did you not know? I don't know.
Like, talk to me. Like that.
And blood was coming down her face. And she went crazy on me.
What the fuck? You know what I mean? Yeah, dude. You're causing her to fucking, her skull is impacted with bobby pins.
So then one day I just went to another friend that's on the show. What's up? What's up? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? You know what I mean? And she goes, in college, she was in college and she found out that she got a call that her dad killed her mom and then he killed himself.
Oh, my God. So that ever since then, you know, I'd see her eating by herself.
I would just sit with the other people. So fucked.
Yeah. Daddy, I love you.
Wow. Have you worked with crazy people? Not – well, yes.
Yes. You have? Crazy as in like they're mean.
They're very, very mean. Yeah.
And I don't – you know, look. How about this? How about this? I've worked with people and I've talked about it before.
I've worked with people on shows where they're acting and their process tends to be very heavy and it drains the room and it makes you feel kind of uncomfortable that you're like, am I just – I'll tell you the number one person for me. I'll say the name.
I'll give a fuck. Okay.
Brooke Shields. Really? Brooke Shields.
I said it. Is what mean? I fucking hate her.
Bing, bing, bing. I fucking hate her, dude.
Wait, why? Fucking hate her, dude. What did she do, dude? Dude.
Hey, Brooke Shields, what did you do, dude? Dude, I hate ya. What did she do? So, um, and I'm gonna expose all kinds of people right now.
Because this story, I've always kind of held in my heart.

Yeah.

But fuck it.

I don't give a fuck.

What did she do?

I'll tell you what she did.

I'll tell you what they did.

So I'm on Mad TV, right?

Yeah.

And so I get a call from Fox Television.

They go, hey, we want you on this other show.

What was the other show? It was called New Car Smell. What? It's got a shitty idea.
Right. It's got that new car smell.
Let me guess. It's a sitcom about car salesmen.
Yes. Okay, it's called New Car Smell.
Bad pitch. Brooke Shields is the star.
Okay. Then so then I get a call going, you know, us as a network, we want you on the show.
But the showrunners don't want you on the show. Why? Because they want Geddy Wananabe.
Oh. You know who that is? Yes.
He was Long Duck Dong from 16 Candles. Yeah.
Yes. So then I just call.
Is he alive? Yeah. Giddy's alive.
Okay. And I go, I was a kid.
I was, what, 28 years old? Yeah. So I go, yeah, I don't want to do it then.
And they're like, it's a lot of money. It's a great.
It's a network prime time. You're on a late night Saturday show that no one watches.
You know what I mean? Yeah. You got to – come on.
We want you. Yeah.
So I go, who else is in it? And they go a couple of names. Dave Attell.
Huge. Right? And then it was – you know who else had a couple – a guest star was Jimmy Schubert.
I love Jimmy Schubert. So I love Jimmy.
So I go, yeah, I'll do it then. But then – so it's the Cullen brothers are the showrunners.
The Cullen brothers? Yeah. So Rob Cullen – Rob Cullen used to hang out with Dice.
Huh? And Dice, me, and Rob Cullen went to Vegas one time when I was a kid. I was 25.
And Dice lost hundreds of thousands of dollars. Dude, I've heard he loves gambling.
Yeah. So Dice took me, he used to call me Ching.
Hey, Ching, come over here. So I was working the back door, and he goes, Hey, Ching, me and Rob Cullen are going to go to Vegas.
Get in the fucking car. I'm working the back door.
They want to drive to Vegas? No. Oh.
I'm wearing a Comedy Store t-shirt and I have no money. And I go, what? I'm working.
No, I talked to the manager. So I literally, no money, no clothes.
Right. Just got in a car with them and drove to LAX.
To go to Vegas. Yes.
What? Yeah. You, Dice, and Cullen.
Me, Dice, and this guy, Rob Cullen. Okay.
So we go to Vegas, and we're sitting at the blackjack, the high-end ones. And Dice would fucking throw down $10,000 hands.
$10,000 hands? Yeah. He was making that kind of money? He was a multi-multi-millionaire.
I know, but $10,000 hands is insane. Yeah, kind of money he was a multi-multi-millionaire I know but $10,000 hands yeah it was crazy it was crazy and I'm sitting there going and he would lose $50,000 you know what I mean in 20 minutes and not care and not care and I would just be like sweating because he brought me because he thought I was a good luck charm right Chang will bring us luck yeah Chang he lost a lot of money yeah bad luck and then he goes you're not good luck yeah and the next day right so i had that experience with rob cullen but he liked you yeah we're friends okay so then um now i'm on a show with his brother and him are show running and they didn't want me they wanted getty one knobby and so i had like two pages of like dialogue in it.
And David Swimmer was the director from Friends. Oh, really? Yeah.
So Swimmer directed it. The swim dog.
So every day I would show up, Swimmer would walk up to me and go, hey, man. They cut a page.
It's your page. Yeah.
And I go, okay, so yeah yeah, it's just this big chunk in the front. So, you know, you're introducing, you know what I mean? You're introducing yourself.
Yeah. But it'll be great when the show gets picked up.
You know what I mean? They'll give you more lines. It's like, okay.
The next day, chunk's gone. Chunk is gone.
And I go, what do you mean? Yeah. It's just gone.
You have a line. You have a line now.
And I go, what does that mean yeah just go you have a line you have a line now and I go what does that mean listen you know I'm on friends I was on friends I know how these work these things work you're fine you just want to test okay you know what I mean but in my head I'm like you're fine I was on friends yeah yeah yeah what does that even mean I don't know I was on one of the most successful. You're fine.
The experience. The experience.
You know what I mean? Yeah. You're going to be fine.
Yeah. Next day.
The line's gone. The line's gone.
I go, what do I do then? You walk in. You walk in.
You walk out. You don't even say hi? No.
You sound like me and disaster artists. Right? So I'm on it for like a week and a half or two weeks a lot you know so you're rehearsing every day oh god every day gets worse and worse and now boils are forming on my head what do you mean stress boils yeah gigantic boils are stress on my head yeah and i was smoking like 15 packs of cigarettes because you thought you were gonna get canned from the.
I didn't know what was going on. I had never been in this situation before.

Right.

It was so uncomfortable.

But then like I would,

I thought,

you know,

Brooke Shields is the star.

So I remember walking

right up to her one morning

and she's at like craft service.

I look her right in the eyes

like good morning.

And she just kind of

looks at me

and walks away.

That's why you hate Brooke Shields? Yeah. Bob.
That's such a stretch. No.
You said good morning and she just walked. She didn't talk to me all week.
What if she didn't hear you? No, no, it's not that. Or see you.
She's taller than you, isn't she? The scene that I'm walking in. She's probably 5'10".
The scene I'm walking in and out of. Yeah.
I'm obviously there on set rehearsing, right? How tall is Brooke Shields? Rudy, will you look that up? How tall is Brooke Shields? I'm obviously right. She won't even lock eyes with me.
You don't think I fucking know when somebody doesn't like me? It's not that. What if she didn't...
No, it's this. She knew I was on my way out.
She she didn't need to. She wrote you off.
Yeah, she didn't need to make that connection. Right? But here's the answer to everyone's question.
I'm still here. Papa's still here.
I'm still here. Papa's still here.
And it's like I think I deserve a little bit of an amends from the Cullen brothers. I don't think she did that on purpose.
How tall is she?

Six.

She's six feet.

Six foot?

She's six feet tall.

She's six foot five?

Let's just say she was in heels that day.

No, every day for two weeks?

Come on, man.

But you're so low to the earth.

How do you know she could see right over you? And she hears this little voice.

So no one said hi to Peter Dinklage on fucking Game of Thrones.

Did you not hear that story?

The first day he showed up, they didn't even know he was there. He acted a whole day.
They didn't even know he was there. Yeah, that's so fucking funny.
That's so funny. Don't say fuck Brooke Shields because of that.
That's such a small—that's not even a real thing. No, because I— She didn't say, like, you suck or fuck you.
Wait, can I give you a story of embarrassment now? How about this? I'll give you go ahead not fuck these people but here's how i felt like a real moron okay go okay i get a phone call that they're like they're doing a read at funny or die and they need you to read for this movie it's called house something will ferrell and it's the gambling the game you know they had oh the gambling movie the Poehler. Exactly.
Yeah. I get amped.

They're like, they love you.

They don't even need...

They're just going to have this role for you as this dude that comes in, pretends to be

a cop, but he's really just like a fuck up looking to steal stuff.

I go to Funny or Die.

Dude, I'm so good in a room that I'm...

When I have confidence that I'm like, I'm going to be fine.

You know what I mean?

Like, I never go in shook.

I'm never like nervous.

I'm always like, I'm going to be fine.

What the fuck?

Dude, who cares?

I've done a million table reads I get in there you did table read not an audition no no we were reading for the they already were giving me the part oh so you're now a table read yeah because they said they didn't have time to cast they had to shoot the movie so they were like we're just gonna give they're like we have a role for you can have it you have to come to the read though. And you have to read, they go, you have to read the role and you have to read two other roles.
Oh my. Don't you hate when they do that? I don't want it.
Yeah. I don't know how to do the other one.
I don't know. You show up, you show up, you, you worked on the lines that you're playing.
I know these roles. And then when you show up, you see in the front page, cop, you know what I mean? Passager number one.
Mailman. And yeah.
And then you go, I have to read these. And then you have to do a different voice.
And first take. You a different voice and first take you've never done it before you've never done it before and there's someone in a production assistant comes up to you and goes we've highlighted a couple of their characters and you're like oh my god i didn't so i'm like this i'm thumbing through them trying to find where the characters are because by the way if you mess up the rhythm of the room you look like an asshole right so here i am i'm going will ferrell's right there am Amy's across the table.
Kroll is there. Nick Kroll? Yeah, Nick's like the only guy that I like know no in the room.
Right, right. And Nick's like, what's up, man? I'm like, hey, what's up? So that made me feel comfortable.
Yeah, yeah. Okay, I get to- Great guy, by the way.
Yeah, love Nick. I get to my line that I know.
Yeah, yeah. And I fuck it up.
And I fuck it up so bad. Why you got nervous? yes I know you get intimidated because Will Ferrell looked over at me when I was going to read my line oh no as if to say like oh this I don't know this guy let's see if he's funny oh no dude I ate such a massive a massive thick veiny penis did Did you blush? Can you get more red than this?

Oh, my God, yeah.

No, I was so embarrassed.

Dude, let's just say the line.

And it was quick.

It was, they got to be outside behind.

They have to be outside because I just climbed through the roof.

It was something like that.

Like, people were on the run.

Now, tell me how you said it.

They have to outside if there's a roof.

Hey, everybody just kept going like it didn't happen because they were like, Jesus fucking Christ. They just kept reading.
Yeah. And nobody looked up.
Nobody looked up at me. No one looked up at me to be like, it's OK.
It's OK. You fucked up.
No, they kept going. I'm getting PTSD.
What do you think I did for the other lines? I fucked him up! I fucked up every fucking line. Yeah, yeah.
I swear to God, I'm not exaggerating. Every fucking line.
And here's the thing. For me, and especially for the other ones.
You're literally reading it. I'm reading it.
I can't read. You're literally reading it.
Can't read. I can't fucking read.
I'm in there. You get so nervous.
So nervous. That the lines become blurred.
Let me do this. On the way out.
Wait, on the of, you're me and I'm Will Ferrell. Ready? So say, goodbye, everyone says goodbye and you're me and you say, thanks a lot.
Just say thanks a lot to me. And you're Will Ferrell.
Yeah, go ahead. Hey, thanks a lot.
That's what he did. He breathed in and looked away.
And by the way, every right. Will is right.
Will was right. He breathed in and looked away as if to say, you should kill yourself.
You're not. Yeah.
You should have killed yourself. It's on the eighth floor.
Jump out. Jump out of the window.
Wow. How are you still alive? What do you think happened the next day? You got the part.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Hello.
Hey, what's up, man? It's your agent. Hey, it's your agent.
Hey, what's up? Yeah, I think think they're gonna slice up some stuff and move some stuff around so we got you some stuff later this week some auditions I was like oh they're gonna cut it he's like yeah they're gonna cut it they cut the whole roll but you know what I thought for a second I thought they're just gonna give it to somebody else I lost i like i lost i fucked it up they did cut the roll but that being said but you know why they cut the roll because i fucked it up because you fucked it up yeah because i fucked it up this part is shouldn't be in here yeah and by the way it wasn't the right because an actor can't even fucking do wasn't the writing yeah it was every inch of me it was me i literally on the way home i'm like ready to throw up in my car and i'm like oh they're never gonna work with me like these people are gonna be like that guy sucks you know what i mean and guess what never worked with any of those people they think i said i was like they think i fucking suck because i i shit the bed in the room yeah he was there oh my god yeah sitting right across from me oh yeah i've been she was sitting right across you're will ferrell that's Amy, Nick is over there. Nick my God.
Yeah. Sitting right across from me.
Oh yeah. I've been.
She was sitting right across.

You're Will Ferrell.

That's Amy.

Nick is over there.

Nick said goodbye because Nick is a good dude.

And Nick knows me.

And he was like, later man, take it easy.

Like he was very nice.

But I'm sure he on the way home was like, what the fuck was that?

When I was on Spilling Up Together.

Mm-hmm.

So this is, you know, the actors are on one side, right?

Yeah.

But for some reason, they had the executives just literally on the other side of a table like this.

Mm-hmm.

Right?

Like two feet long.

Right, two feet long, right?

Bobby?

So you sit down like this.

So you have a name card, right?

Yeah, they put your—

So my name card goes Bobby Lee Arthur, who's who I play.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We remember.

Then there was a name card here.

Peter Roth, president of Warner Brothers. Peter there was a name card here.
Peter Roth,

president of Warner Brothers.

Peter Roth was sitting across from you?

He'd come in.

Like this.

I could see his fingernails

right here, right?

Hands like this, right?

Peter?

And it was,

dude,

you lock eyes with him.

Bobby, how was your weekend?

Like,

you can't even speak English.

And then one time,

Oliver laughed at me.

He came in for a hug,

and I went like this.

Right?

I wanted to do like a hand thing,

this, like, right?

But he came like this,

so I went right to the center of his chest. To his sternum? Yes like that he made that noise and then later we had dinner and oliver was laughing that i did that like making fun i was just trying to you know yeah so it's like all those little tiny things they matter they matter yeah because we look like idiots they matter so much i know it's so stupid.
Why do they matter so much? You don't mean it. I want to be a good guy.

I want to do the right thing you want to be funny yeah yeah can I tell you that you know who showed up people more than I've ever seen in my life he's a cool dude this is not me talking shit but Bill Bellamy I did a pilot with Bill Bellamy oh yeah yeah so a friend of mine wrote a pilot for Bill about his real life which is his mom got a divorce and then later in life started dating ex-NFL players. So all of his stepdads were like these big jacked ex-NFL players.
And Bill Bellamy was supposed to play my friend that wrote it. So Bill Bellamy on the first day were – dude, I sit down at this table and this is not on me.
I'm making him laugh because I'm mocking his two friends. I'm supposed to be, it's supposed to be three black dudes in this white nerd from the neighborhood.
Yeah. Who's like the dork that they just let to play cards because he, they feel bad for me.
Yeah. So I was doing this character where they would say something.
I'd be like, I hear that bro. Holler, you know? And Bill was loving it.
Yeah. And dude, in between scenes, he literally is like, drew, drew, drew, like yeah yeah and he's like uh he's like will you grab me are you getting a coffee will you get a coffee and i was like yeah i'm gonna go get something he's like yeah yeah will you get me one too and i was like yeah for sure so go get a coffee and on the way back he's like berating them when i'm behind like behind my back to his mind but like in a positive me way like, man, y'all better step the fuck up.
Y'all are regulars on this show and this motherfucker is funnier than both of y'all motherfuckers. You want to lose your job? You want to lose your motherfucking job? Dude, it was, and he doesn't know I see him.
Right. And he's like, yeah, y'all ain't funny.
That bullshit that you said, but that shit wasn't funny at all, motherfuckers. Why would you say that? He was lighting them up.
Well, because they're friends. He was his friend.
It doesn't matter. Dude, he was checking them.
Yeah. And he started laughing.
He wasn't being like, as mean as I'm making it. He was just being like, y'all are garbage.
He gonna take your role, bro. You are trying.
You're saying some dumb shit. Then when I sit back down, he's like, thank you, bro.
These two guys fucking hate. I mean, now they're like, fuck this dude.
Yeah, because I was funny. Like, all I was doing was slinging bullshit lines.
And I was a day player. There's an old saying, never outshine your master.
Oh, bro. Well, bro, I didn't.
Bill was, it's his scene, it's his show. But these two guys, I'm just trying to have fun with them.
But that's why he did that. I know.
Because you outshined him. I know.
It was bad. You outshined him.
You never outshined your master. We tuned it down big time.
We tuned it down. Like I just took it back.
Yeah. And then they would take heavy shots.
Slink Johnson. Do you know who that is who played? I love Slink.
Yeah. Great guy.
He was in that scene with us. Slink started just shitting on me.
I mean, and it was funny. Yeah.
But he was sick of it. He was like, you ain't going to be funnier than me.
So Slink was the whole time. And we started, we got a friend.
What was this? It was a pilot for CBS. It was four years ago.
I don't even know. Four or five years ago.
Yeah. How many pilots have you done? I don't know.
Six, maybe seven. I have no idea.
Me too. I mean, I did the worst pilot of all time.
I did How I Met Your Father, the spinoff i met your mother i've talked about that oh i i did problem child time out do you hear what i said though yeah the most success one of the most successful sitcoms of all time how i met your mother yeah i did how i met your father that would have been great oh it must have been great oh it was so bad the network don't don't they don't let people see it i had to sign an nda when i went and watched it at the network that i wouldn't talk about scenes uh characters anything nothing it was that bad who else was in it well greta gerwig it was it was going to be the star oh wow and she wrote it she co-wrote it with emily spivey who's a great writer. I've told this story.
Maybe not say the name. No, no, no.
That was public knowledge. Yeah, but they did a good job.
No, they did do a good job. What I'm saying is there was no, we didn't work.
It didn't work. It's like I, me and Drew Tarver were boyfriends and that was the other thing, man.
They wouldn't let us kiss. They didn't want us to kiss.
And Drew was like, well, you know, because we went in to like do a kiss one time like he was just gonna kiss me on my cheek yeah and the network was like i just think the kissing is a little much yeah you know they didn't want us to show affection so how do i this is my boy this is my boyfriend otherwise it just looks like two guys have you ever worked with anybody that was so good that you're like i think i'm gonna quit my whole career almost everybody i've worked with yeah more so many so many people i did that show sean saves the world oh i love i did that show i played his boyfriend we had a kissing scene when you brought that up yeah you thought about what's his name sean um he's on will and grace hayes sean hayes yeah do you know i didn't know much about him. I used to live in his apartment.
Really? That was the first thing the landlord said. And when I watched him do it, like rehearsal, I literally went, oh, I'm in the wrong business.
This guy is so good. So you're a pro and I'm a hoe.
Yeah, because what people don't realize is that I signed up with a bunch of homeless people, to be honest, and crazy street people to do amateur night at comedy clubs. Yeah, same.
That's us. Have you ever done – and you first start off, you're with a guy in a green suit.
Yeah. Right? Like who's that guy? That Robert William Aprevaia? You know him? Mm-hmm.
So a homeless man, crazy person. Who's going to the same audition you are.
Right. Right.
And then you're like – or some like other homeless person. And then you're like – for years, that's your school.
Right. Yeah.
Right. You're performing with mentally disabled people and people with problems.
Yes. And then all of a sudden one day you get an opening job for somebody or you start or you start featuring and you go oh it's a little better but that's pretty much that's your training and then and then you end up like with then you're on a show with a professional people with that can sing and dance and tap dance and you're like i i could fart into a mic and not make the mic smelly or that's my talent or whatever you know you know what I mean? You don't have- So Sean was so good.
Oh my God, he's so good. Yeah, he's like shocking to watch.
Yeah, it memorizes lines during rehearsals. He knows it.
I'm going to mispronounce his name, so I don't want to say it. But Oba, Oba.
That's it. Fuck.
You got to know- Oba, Oba. No, but the best actor I think I've ever worked with was on, I'm dying up here i don't i don't want to say mispronounce his last name so i don't want to sound um like an idiot oba babatunde babatunde do you know him oba babatunde dude this guy is so let me look let me look oba babatunde oh yeah that guy's i've seen him before he's great i mean his face is like, his face is like, don't fuck around.
Don't fuck around. He's so good.
He was so fucking good at playing this smooth, slick club owner that there were times when we were done with the scene. His name was Barton Royce or whatever on the show that I thought it was club owner Barton Royce.
In my mind, I was like, oh, that's Barton Royce. Because he would walk up and he would still kind of be in his vibe yeah and he'd be getting coffee he's like what's going on kid i feel like i was in a fucking a light movie with that he was one of those guys where you watch him and you go oh he's just he just is better than every and then everybody yeah and he knows it there's no way they don't know it those guys fucking know i those evergreen, those evergreen working actors that have been around since the 70s.
Yes. Sometimes you're on a set, right? Yeah.
With guys you grew up, you know, watching. Rick Overton was on our show.
I love Overton. And Rick is phenomenal.
Yeah, he's a fucking legend. Guys like that where you're like, oh, you've been good your whole life.
Yeah, and you just kind of go, what am I doing here? What am I doing here? Why did you guys say yes to me? Yeah, it's crazy. Speaking of people that are good their whole life, let's talk about the D.L.
thing. D.L.
Hughley collapsed on stage. By the way, a great comic who I've always thought was kind of in a class of his own.
Like when Pablo passed out on stage. That was from drugs.
I understand that. He fell because of drugs.
I understand that. But they did both fall.
Yeah, but DL was sick. It doesn't matter.
They both fell. Okay, same story.
I'm just saying when you see a fall. Yeah, when you watch it happen.
Yeah, because they always happen in clubs that I play. That's funny.
That's so true. Right? So you know exactly what that room is.
Yeah. Right? So – Where was Pablo's fault? Sacramento Punchline.
Oh, yeah. SAC.
That's right. So I played SAC thousands of times.
Right? Yeah. And go, oh, my God.
I remember that little – I know. That table.
That table where he almost cracked his skull in. Where did D.L.
fall? Zany's, right? Zany's. That's right.
Yeah. and I played that room as well.
God, that's insane. It's insane.
So he's on stage and he's sitting down. Is that what it was? Yeah, I think he's sitting there.
Okay. So already in your head, because I'd never seen DL sit before.
That could have been a clue. Because did you see how fast his manager and his people got to save him? Well, I mean, yeah.
Because they knew that he was sitting there.

So he must have been like, hey, man, I'm tired.

I don't feel good.

I don't feel good.

I've had that before.

I don't feel good in the middle of stage.

So he's sitting there, and so people were kind of attentive.

Let me try to find it.

Go ahead.

Keep talking.

And then he falls over, and you hear the gasp.

Yeah.

And you probably have some audience members going, do I get my money back? Yeah, you saw a couple of those. Yeah, well, that's the first thing they want to think of.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do I get my money back? Hey, is there any way that I could get paid in return for this? Because I didn't want to see him fall.
Yeah. The opening act was very funny, though.
Yeah. Have you ever passed out on stage? No.
I have never. Here's the video.
Hold on one second. I've been choked out on stage.
I got you. I got you.
Wow. Wow.
That video is so creepy it's so ominous yeah right to watch him look at his buddy is waiting for him because he can tell he's wobbly oh my god it'd be funny if he regains consciousness, stands back up and goes, Bitch! Bitch, got it! You know what I mean? I guess it was a joke. I got you! I almost passed out on stage when I first auditioned for Last Comic Standing.
Really? Yeah, my feet tingled. Why did you audition for that? I was brand new.
It was my second year doing comedy. I drove to San Francisco with my friend, with my buddy, and we drove and we waited out.
We camped. Can I tell you something? Yeah, yeah.
That was one of those moments in comedy where you're like, fuck, man. It sucked, but I'll never forget those moments.
We slept outside together. We told stories all night.
Everyone was coming up and down. People we never met before were like, where'd you guys come from? Where'd you come from? To audition.
so it was kind of it was like one of those things i mean and were you and also i remember those early things you know for me yeah i would get really worked out for them oh my fucking god it was so nerve-wracking all night long thinking about what i was gonna say yeah i yeah so what did you get it yeah i got it i won the show i'm dad fan I'm dad fan. I'm dad fan.
Oh, it was the first season? I'm dad fan. I did a show called Friday Night Videos, and I was in San Diego.
I was an open mic-er, and I got it because my manager hooked it up for me. I used to have this really – this older black guy named Worthy Patterson.
What a name. I see him in my head right now.
Yeah. Big, heavy, big, heavy set guy.
No, skinny. Okay, let me take it back.
I got it. Skinny guy.
Yeah, yeah. Hats? And it's so funny because I remember Worthy.
The reason why I left Worthy, they used to call him Worthless. Worthless Patterson.
Yeah, yeah. They used to call him Worthless Patterson.
Because he got no gigs for you? He's a great manager. And he really, he, you know, I was such a, so green.
Sure. That I sure that i just i bless the guy i love him yeah because they those guys that took a shot in you before you he's a great guy i still run into him today oh really he works for a big management company he has a bunch of clients he's great i thought for sure you're gonna be like no he's at the panda express on sunset no he's a great guy he does scoops big scoops so but um worthy um got me this gig right so i drove from san diego early because i had to be there at like two i left san diego at four in the morning and i drove to burbank and i sat in my i had this junky fucking truck yeah and i remember there was a little park in Burbank there right by where The Tonight Show was.
Oh, yeah. There's a couple little parks.
And I was just pacing my act. All night long.
Yeah, until like four in the – six in the morning until two. Damn.
I had no food, money, or anything. No, of course not.
Starving. Yeah.
And just doing my act and smoking, doing my act. You know what I mean? The ninja, the ninja, the ninja crossed the road and you know what I mean? And all these bits, you know what I mean? Masturbate alone, you know what I mean? These bits, you know what I mean? Grab your own ass when you masturbate.
That's why I'm lonely or whatever, I mean, all these bits that I used to do. Yeah.
You still do those. I've heard all those.
Just a couple years ago, I just, I've heard all those. Stop it.
Anyway, I show up.

No, you said your dad.

What about your dad?

My dad, you know, you're not funny, Bobby, and all those bits.

You know what I mean?

Knock, knock, who's there?

You're not funny, all that stuff, right?

And I remember being –

I still love those.

I don't do that fucking joke anymore.

I still love that joke.

Fuck face.

I'm just saying I love it.

So then I remember backstage and just ready to go and then going and then hitting the stage.

And I only did comedy 60 times.

Oh, you were so new.

Yeah.

60 or 70 times.

It's your first year into the gig?

Yeah.

And I remember the lights coming on and there's an audience and just nothing came out just nothing just nothing and then i pulled my stomach out yeah and i started doing this weird stomach thing because you know your survival yeah you just kick in yeah and i would go like grab my penis and go like that yes and then like beep, like that. Yes.
And then like, make noises. What the fuck is that? Yeah, just like anything because my jokes weren't working.
And do like bird thing, right? And do whatever. And then afterwards, where they go, yeah, man, they're not going to pay you.
What? They're not going to air it. They're not going to pay you or they're not going to air it.
Then you didn't get then you didn't get paid? no what was that? NBC? NBC fuck let's go get that money but then what's funny is I go to Worthy like five months later I have no money and I go hey can I can I get a commercial agent? and he goes yeah, you're never going to work.

They're not going to. You watch television? You just don't see no Asian guys on television? Is that what he said? Yeah, yeah.
You don't see Asian guys on no El Pollo Locke? Zulu. Right.
Back then? No. Yeah, Zulu.
So then I fired him, and I went with Abby, my manager now. Yeah, yeah.
And then she got me an agent, and I booked 20 national commercials in one year. Wow.
That's insane. I did El Pollo Loco.
I did one of them. This is how fucking hungry I was.

I would call my agent and go, whatever.

Even if it's the polar opposite of me, send me in.

So one of them, he goes.

Six foot eight black guy. Yeah, yeah.

No, one of them was.

So they're looking for a Brad Pitt looking guy.

You?

Log cabin.

You're chopping wood.

You?

Right.

And you're wearing a turtleneck.

It's for Maxwell House. How could that not be you? Right.
So I go, send me in. So I show up, and it's all these guys that look like Brad Pitt in turtlenecks.
Real good-looking dudes. I'm wearing this.
Yeah. And your belly's showing.
My belly's showing. I'm wearing this, right? Because I knew that in those kind of commercial auditions,

there's no line.

You're just drinking coffee on a porch,

chopping wood,

and just doing that, right?

So in those commercials,

what do they do

is they ask you how your day was.

They just want to talk to you, right?

Right, so they turn the camera on.

They go, slate your name.

You go, I'm Bobby.

Profiles, you do the profiles.

So what were you doing?

Halloween, as soon as they ask me, you just go into this bit. You have to.
You just make them laugh. Right.
And then next year, no. You get a call.
All right. So it's down to you and four other Brad Pitts.
Because they love you. So then you get called in with everyone in the room.
Right. And then ask me a question.
They ask you a different question. I don't give a fuck.
I got it. Right? Make them to laugh.
Right? Make beep, beep. Ta-da! And do a funny dance, right? Yeah.
And the next thing you know, you're on a porch. You get it.
You're on a porch with a turtleneck. I did a muscle hall, because I remember drinking the coffee, chopping wood.
I never chopped wood before. And they just wanted to be funny.
No, they just, they go, you know, they go, why can't it be a fat Asian guy? Yeah, why not? Fat Asian guys like coffee. They like wood.
They like wood and coffee. They like I make a wood and coffee.
And I would get a lot of those when I went, you know, just send me in where all the white dudes are being sent. Yeah.
Don't give me the ching-chongy ones. Yeah, those were for me.
Yeah. Those I liked.
Yeah, anyway, I don't know if that's interesting

but probably not. Yes, it is.
It's not.

Yes, it is. What are you looking at? All your texts?

Eric Griffins keeps texting me.

What did he say?

He always just says, oh boy, low bar

something something.

He's too much.

I love him. No, we do.

Well, we like him. I don't know if we love him

but we like him. Call me back!

Okay, you know, I know you don't like talking about Karens. I don't.
It's just we've talked a lot about Karens. I know, but every week there's a new Karen and they're more evolved.
They're more evolved. They have different fucking sorts.
They're changing shape. Yeah.
What's the new Karen? This is the new, I call her the Sorcerer San Francisco Karen. San Francisco Karen? She's like a sorcerer.
What's her name? She's mythical. You know her name.
Just put San Francisco Karen. It'll come up.
You know what's so funny about this lady? Yeah. When I saw this video for the first time, Lisa Alexander apologizes for Karen-like confrontation.
Yeah. When I saw this woman.
I just need to talk about it for a second. When I saw this woman, I literally said out loud, San Francisco.
I said it right away. Yeah, you could tell.
I could feel it. You could feel San Francisco.
It's got that San Francisco vibe. Yeah.
So talk about it. Or this is it right here.
Are you sure that's it? Yeah, this is him. A white couple called the police on me, a person of color for silence.
Let me just do a backdrop. So this older Filipino man who owns the property of his house.
He owns his house. He owns the property of his house.
Is this your property? Here she says. Is this your property? Look at that.
There's the sorcerer. That should be the...
She's a Salem witch right there. The San Francisco tree.
Bing, bing. That should be the fucking commercial.
Let's play the clip and let's talk about it. Is this your property? Hi.
I'm asking you if this is your property. Why are you asking? Because it's private property.
Because it's private property, sir. So are you defacing private property or is this your building? They're going to smile.
Oh, my God. You're fine to express your opinions, but not on people's property.
Okay. Absolutely.
Just respectfully. Sure.
So we're just saying, absolutely, your signs and everything, and that's good. This is not the way to do it.
Okay. It's private property.

But if I did live here in a one-way property, this would be absolutely fine.

Now.

Let's get to her and frame her a little bit more.

Okay.

But now let me tell you something.

Let me just pause right here.

Now, if this is happening to me.

Outside of your place right now?

Yeah.

If I'm this guy, this is what I'm feeling. you god right yeah yes this is this is what i want in life yeah you're this is turning you on this is i would be so turned on because i would play it exactly the way he's playing right where he didn't he never said it was his property even though it was he kept going what does it matter you have to fucking you're fishing yeah yeah yeah you can tell we go he keeps fishing now this guy's a brilliant property this would be absolutely fine and you don't know if i live here or this is my property perfect oh really because you live here right you said so we know the person who does live oh we know the person who lives here Lie number one.
And now if that was me yeah it would a thing that would turn in my head like a little noise right yeah lie bing and it would make me more excited because he knows because now i you know i mean well this is his chance to go what are their names yeah i thought he was going to be like who does live here yes because i i thought i i think i know them do we know the same people yeah yeah and and he should just said his name right if he just was like oh is it mar is it marcus and jan do they live here that's fucking me oh okay then i suggest you call him or call the police or because you're accusing me of a crime correct what i'm asking you asking you is why are you... So she realizes here, fuck, I'm not fucked up.
Well, she does call him. I know, but you can feel her right now in her voice go, I'm asking you.
She knows. Here's what drives me crazy.
Yeah, you love Karen stuff. Is the assumption that this guy doesn't own the fucking place.
Right. Because to me, if I see a guy painting on a wall or whatever, my assumption is that if it's not my fucking wall, it's none of my fucking business.
In fact, if I ever see anybody painting anything on something, I don't care.

I don't care.

Even when like cholos do, you know what I mean?

What, are you going to go ask them what they're doing?

What are you spouters up to?

I know.

Yeah, fucking, what are you, nuts?

Yeah.

Mind your own fucking, keep moving.

The worst thing that can happen is if someone is fucking, like, let's say someone's just

graffitiing on a building and you go, hey, don't do that.

Now they're going to beat the shit out of you.

Mind your own business. Survive.
I'm not answering you okay that's fair yeah that's fair so you your choices are to call the cops i love it if you believe i'm calling a crime and i will more than be happy to talk to them okay thank you what's your name good i'm lisa lisa what's your last name what is your name what's your name i'll ask first lisa what's your name sir what's your last name sir i'm nervous guy? What's your name? I asked first, Lisa. What's your name, sir? Robbie.
What's your last name, sir? I'm nervous. I'm sorry.
He's backing up a little bit. He goes like this.
He goes, Robbie. Robbie.
Robbie. And now he's like...
What's your name? Robbie. Let's hear what...
I think his name... I think he said Robbie.
It's just... The way he backs up is great.
What's your name, sir? Robbie. What's your last name, sir? What is your first name, sir? I'm not answering.

I'm not talking to you.

You're talking to me.

I'm asking you the questions.

That's another the right move.

Asking them the questions?

Yeah, that's what you're saying.

He's doing the right move.

He's going, I'm asking you.

Because basically, I'm just going to translate to you people.

All right?

Basically, he's saying is that.

You people?

To you.

Okay.

Basically, what he's saying is that, like, I am just doing what I'm doing, right? I don't know you. Yeah.
Why are you bothering me? You're in my shit, right? So I don't have to do shit. That's basically the translation.
By the way, it should be known. This is sidewalk chalk.
And there are people, right, online, because I've been obsessed with this.

Yeah.

I have read a guy goes, well, why don't you just say your name and just say you own the property and let it go?

That's people's fucking thing.

I know.

No, because he doesn't want to.

He didn't do anything.

Time out.

No, because he doesn't have to.

Why are you bothering me?

They're coming to him. He's not doing anything.
Imagine if I'm on my front lawn and I'm just trimming something and some guy goes, is that your lawn? Do you live on that lawn? Is this your house? It's the assumption. They're assuming he doesn't live there.
It's the assumption that Roger Price is. It's very obvious.
It's very obvious. When people say, why wouldn't you just say your name? Because why are you bothering me? Okay, now go keep going.
this is what freaks me out about the video really oh okay well then call the cops lisa and robert yeah i'll be right here okay thank you bye well you forgot the moment where she puts her what happened to the wire her finger on her the finger on her when did she do that she's touching her chest no she does a thing when she. I didn't know.
I didn't see it. We played the whole clip.
Yeah, I think you passed through it. No.
Keep playing. This is your property.
Hi, I'm asking you if this is your property. Why are you asking? Because it's private property.
I think when you zoomed in, all this. Keep it clear.
Are you defacing private property or is this your building? You're free to express your opinions. No, you.
But not on people's property. Okay.
Absolutely. Sure.
Just respectfully. Sure.
So on people's property. Absolutely.
Just respectfully.

Sure.

It cuts away. Why?

I don't know. Hold on.

This is not the way to do it.

Okay.

It's private property.

But if I did live here and it was my property,

this would be absolutely fine.

And you don't know if I live here

or if this is my property.

There it is.

Pause it there. Okay.
Pause it there. So, I imagine.
Can this be my background for my fucking computer? I imagine, right? For somebody, I imagine having sex with her. And she just goes.
And when you're coming, coming she does that. Oh my god.
If that happened when you were having sex with somebody like that it would be burned into your fucking psyche forever. While you're having sex she goes this is private property.
This is fucking sorcery right there. Look at her.
You know this is what's funny about San Francisco and also I'm going to talk a little shit about San Francisco. I like that city.
I like performing there. Okay.
But I got to tell you, every time I go, I go up the Visadero or whatever that's called, Elephant Heights or whatever the fuck. Yeah.
You look at the amount of fucking wealth there. It's sickening.
It's insane. You're like, these fucking rich fucks could save the world.
San Francisco is this like liberal island where they're like,

we're the most progressive.

Yeah.

Meanwhile, there's a house worth

50 million fucking dollars.

You're too young to know

what I'm talking about here.

Okay.

Don't do that.

I know who Cat Stevens is, dad.

You're too young to experience this.

I hate when people say that,

but go ahead.

Okay.

Yeah, go ahead.

Is that I've been playing the San Francisco punchline since the late 90s. Yeah, I know.
I wasn't born yet. Go ahead.
And the difference between the audiences now and then, night and day. In what way? When you played San Francisco, you couldn't sleep because you couldn't wait.
Because the audiences were so wild.

Right.

You would see a lot of different colors.

A lot of different kinds of people.

Different kinds of people.

Like beatniks, hippies.

But not only just beatniks but also just like every type of person.

But what it was is they're enjoying it and you could say whatever you want

and they would stand up and it would be – you would crush harder than in any other room. Can I tell you? And now it's like doing a fucking EA convention.
I'm going to go – I'm going to completely combat what you just said. No way.
I just played last year. I just played up there at Cobbs i i literally said to my agent i cannot believe how free it was in my mind i thought fuck san francisco's always kind of been this tight place the last couple of years the pacific northwest has this thing no dude san francisco was fucking incredible now granted i'm sure a lot of those people didn't live on the island they weren't a a bunch.
You play Cobbs? I play I play both of them. But Molly wouldn't let me play Punch because because of what happened because of the fucking, you know, the lease and they and they couldn't.
All right. Contracts had to change for everybody.
So she was like, do you want to sell more tickets or not? I said, I don't want to play Cobbs. I don't want that big room.
I like the small punch. And she goes, do you want to sell tickets or not? And I said, OK.
okay so I went over there and I sold out four shows at Cobbs so it it was well worth it and I gotta tell you every fucking audience not one oh none of that oh maybe I should play Cobbs it was fucking awesome it was fucking I used to think that I was nervous about the northwest being like oh what if they they don't like that I do a question about now because the last time I had to play Cobbs, ask Al Madrigal. I had a nervous breakdown and I collapsed into the kitchen and I took my shirt off and I started crying like a little baby.
And Natasha Legere had to pick me up. Because you were just eating it? No, I did a corporate event at Cobbs for Facebook.
Well, dude. And I was last.
It was Ian Edwards was there too. And I bombed so badly that I took my shirt off I went to

the kitchen of Cobbs I went into a

thing and then also so that's the

first the second time at Cobbs before

that yeah is where Ken

Jung physically assaulted me

he punched me tried to punch me in the face

and then Steve Byrne had to

separate us when you guys were on tour together

that's a long story but he separated

us and I had to get back on a plane and go

home damn so I had

two bad things happen at Cobbs

Thank you. separate us when you guys were on tour together that's a long story but he separated us and I had to get back on a plane and go home damn so I had two bad things happen at Cobb this is why you gotta wipe that away from your brain it's still there gone look at me I need a science seance gone okay don't get that okay good it's gone don't think about that that stuff has changed a lot me.
I know what you're saying. So two things.

Bobby came over last night.

Oh, my God.

And we ate dinner together, and we had steaks.

And Bobby ordered—I'm going to give Bob's order.

There was only three of us, right?

Bobby ordered prime rib, two corn on the cobs, artichoke, steamed spinach— I'm sorry, creamed spinach, garlic bread, the big order, a cup of clam chowder, right? We had... We had...
And you and your wife had... Falazin onion rings.
That's it. And green beans.
And salads. And...
That's it. No, there's one more thing you ordered that I'm missing.
You ate the fucking... You ate the green beans and salads and – That's it.

No, there's one more thing you ordered that I'm missing.

You ate the fucking – you ate the green beans and the steak.

Oh, that was mine.

That was yours.

That's right.

That was mine.

Yeah, yeah.

Bobby ordered –

And two Diet Cokes.

Two Diet Cokes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bobby ordered –

Everything on the menu.

Everything on one side of the menu.

And when we were calling, the guy kept going like this.

Okay.

And then I added – he goes, okay. Oh, and barbecue baked beans.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you had barbecue baked beans.
That's right, that's right. And then he started, okay.
Okay. And then it started going.
How many utensils would you like? 36? Yeah, he couldn't fucking believe. I said, just three people.
Yeah. The guy goes, three people? Because I haven't ordered at a restaurant in a very long time.
You ordered so much food. It was insane.
Did I eat most of it?

You ate a lot of it.

Yeah, you ate a lot of it.

I know I did.

The one thing that you do that most people can get over that I can't with eating, you slurp.

Beans, you slurp.

It was hard to watch.

I love you, but you were baked beans.

And when you dip that steak in the horseradish sauce, my, my, my, my, my, my, too much of sauce. Oh, my God.
Yeah. You were like.
Yeah. I was astounded at your etiquette.
Yeah, because I eat like a fucking adult. No, you guys sit there like fucking.
Like grownups. No, like it's, you know, pilgrims.
Like fucking little house in the prairie pilgrims. What does that even mean? Upright, white people, upright, right? You pick up utensils, right? You lock each other in the eyes, right? And you just, you know what I mean? Like Stepford Wives.
The whole time we ate, we go like this. We go, is this your private property? Do you live here? And doing this move.
Do you live here? I eat like a fucking immigrant. No.
I want to eat what I eat. You eat as if I imagined the original humans ate.
That's fine. But they hunted all day.
That's right. And they exercised all day and they finally got food.
That's right. And then they had to wait to cook it.
And then when they were done, they wouldn't wait. They would just ravage it.
Meanwhile, we ordered out, picked it up.

You didn't even have to go get it.

I had to wait.

I had to fucking wait and sit in your uncomfortable living room on the uncomfortable couch and just do small talk.

What's uncomfortable about it?

Oh.

What's uncomfortable?

Beautiful gray walls.

What's uncomfortable about it?

Your house looks like a fucking anthropology store. Okay.
Just conks and fucking candly and just light. Light and airy and nice.
It's light and nice. It's fucking bullshit.
And I have to sit there and go. You live in a booger cave.
You live in a booger cave. Oh.
With skin shrapnel all over it. What's going on in politics? I don't give a fuck.
I don't give a fuck about look at my backyard. We go in the backyard I'm like this is fucking, what is this? How nice is the backyard? Beautiful.
Yeah, what do you mean? Beautiful pool. And I have to pretend.
What would you like to eat? Come on white, let's fucking do it. Let's eat now.
Now this is you just being racist. I'm not being racist.
So to wait you just don't like whites no i had to you just don't like white don't yell dude you act silly you don't like whites no i'm just saying i don't i had to wait and pretend like you care that i cared about you wish you had a video game controller and i had to sit there and eat there and and then be and now i'm not gonna ever do it again because now you're making fun of the way I eat. No, I wasn't making fun of the way you eat.
The slurping and the slurping. Two things.
One, when you left, you literally said, hey, I really enjoyed this and I do want to do it again. Didn't you? And then you got in your car, you got a cigarette and then I called you and we had a conversation and you really did enjoy it and I said, you know what? I yeah, I enjoyed it that way.
It was different. It was different.
And I asked, why can't Rudy come? But you didn't want her. Was she in trouble? Rudy doesn't like you.
Look at that face. That calls out bullshit.
Yeah, Rudy doesn't like you that much. Do you not like me that much? Would you not come over and I would have a good dinner for you? You don't want to come over, huh? She's paranoid because even on the way over here, I joke, can I get some coffee? I'll tell Auntie Kalilah that you do it.
I'll tell Auntie Kalilah, we have GPS in the car. We'll know.
She'll know. It's like she's a fucking.
And you know, all these people in the internet go, you got to be nicer to Rudy. She has to be nicer to me.
You do take a lot of abuse from Rudy. I get abuse from her and Kalilah all the fucking time.
I'm tired of it. You guys boss him around a lot.
I'm going to tell you another fucking bullshit thing she did. Here we go! So I go to Gold Belly.
I haven't told you how mad I am about this. What's Gold Belly? Gold Belly is an app online and you can order food from all over the country.
Oh, now I want to see it. Gold Belly.
It's an app online, and you can get delicious. They have recommended things, so I get my Luma Notties from there.
I get different pizzas from there. Love.
I get barbecue. But I also get this.
I get chicken pot pies and beef pies from a company out of New York. I love chicken pot pie.
All right? What's it called so we can rep on it? I'll show you. I have to go on my Gold Belly real quick.
Are you a pot pie person? She doesn't like it. I've never tried.
She doesn't like it. You know how pot pies, you eat pot pies and it's so hot that even when you're done it's still hot? So here's Gold Belly right here and I'm going to show you some of my transactions here.
So this is it. You can go over here and get bagels.
By the way, this isn't a sponsor of ours. I'm just telling you I like it.
So my account, right? And I go to my orders, okay? What do you order from Goldback? I've gotten Lou Malnati's, four of those. I love.
Carol, Ba, Kitty, Party, Family Meal. It's like Indian food.
Keddie Ba? Wait, Keddie Ba? What? My Pie Pizza. I get deep pizzas there.
But this is – I get Panberry's double crust hand pies. Wait a minute.
You get pizzas from Luminati's and from Pie Guy? I get them from six different companies. Jesus.
So I get this thing called Panberry's double crust hand pies. Okay.
Okay. So they come frozen.
Listen to me when I'm talking to you. I am listening to you.
Okay. I'm just looking at this belly thing.
So they're in, they come in a box. This is Gold Belly and I get 12 pies.
They're about this big. Okay.
Listen to me. I am.
And so they come to the door and Kalilah has a thing where I can't touch anything that comes to the door rudy has to clean it all and disinfect everything right i know you made her disinfect the red bull she lives my she leaves my pies out there for two days melt right so then she doesn't tell me yeah she freezes them that way. So now, the pies come in a plastic wrapping.
Right.

And when they melt all the filling inside pours out so the plastic's filled now frozen with the filling that's inside the fucking pie and she just puts it in the freezer and she doesn't tell me so I'm like hey shit hey shit I wake up one shit. I wake up one day.
Hey, shit. I want a pie today.
Hey, shit, I want a pie today. I go to the pie and I pick them up and the fucking the pie, the crust is still there, but there's holes in the bottom where all the filling had spilled out into the thing.
So now I'm just getting crossed. Yeah.
Right?

And all 12 of them are that way and I've been eating it that way

but all the shit fucking oozed out.

Did you apologize?

I only made the mistake once

and because you didn't tell me

that the package arrived

because I never go down

and I don't know when it arrived.

She didn't know.

And the fillings didn't go out.

Only the oil went out.

Hey, slow down.

Hey, you can relax.

Sit down.

Rudy?

Rudy?

No, no, no.

Rudy?

No, no, no.

It was just the oil.

All right, all right.

So was he exaggerating?

No.

Stop, stop, rude.

Bob?

I love you.

Stop, rude.

Bob?

Let me tell you this, Andrew, all right? When I when i'm okay so i'll show you my orders okay i want to see i'm going to show you my orders okay so this okay so i get let's go to it um i fall in love i fall deeply in love with you when you get into these things so okay the way i look at you when you're like a little a little you're like a little too excited right now. Okay, so I got two braised pork pies.
Yes. Two country chicken pies.
Okay. Two breakfast chicken, southern chicken pies.
Oh, look. I didn't get oil pies.
Since I didn't get oil pies, how the fuck Is there not oil pies on that menu? Is there oil in the fucking thing? It's the filling, not the oil. It's not the filling because if it won't be the filling, there would be like meat.
No, here's a Wait, time out. Let me investigate.
Is there meat spilling from outside of it? No. Oh, so it's something else.

When you open up a pie, a panberry pie, it's delicious.

Let me close my eyes.

I see it.

Go ahead.

Imagine this.

I am.

Imagine this.

Imagine the feeling inside the pie is a stew.

Oh, I love it.

All right.

When I ask you what a stew is, what does that consist of?

Chunks of meat and potatoes and carrots. But what's the most important thing in a stew? The gravy.
The juice. The juice.
Right? Yeah. The most important thing is the juice.
The juice. The juice.
The juice is gone. The juice is gone.
The juice is gone, Rudy. The juice has now filled into the plastic.
The bag. So when you open it up, it's frozen, so I have to put just beef and potato chunks with no juice.
Can you just crack them and put them back in the pie and cook it that way? No, you can't. Like a frozen ice block.
You can't crack them off? You can crack it and put it on top of the shell of the pie and have it melt it over. That sounds good too.
That doesn't sound good. That doesn't sound good.
Because I don't want a moist ball. I don't want a moist ball of a fucking disaster.
Do they not sell moist balls on that menu? So you never apologize for that and I'm being nice to Rudy because I'm being nice to her and I never yelled at her about it but that is what she did. Did you not do that though? Okay.
See, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Okay. She's so fucking nice.
She she's a nice girl that's why i didn't yell at her until now i've been eating these fucking balls of dough yeah you know what i mean yeah they're delicious but that's not what i want that's not what you initially intended daddy wants a pie daddy wants a pie well how about this yeah but it's a great company if you ever go to gold belly you got to get these panberry panberry pies and i love the mushroom chicken why are you let me ask you this why are you guys leaving it outside for so long that's to disinfect it is that what that is yeah yeah you're not supposed to leave it out there for days why don't you guys just spray it inside take it take inside and spray it with alcohol. Because she just – we live in a – listen, to us, people have different points of view.
It's about the pandemic. It's about the pandemic.
Oh, right. And we are taking it real safe.
Sure. And people go, are you scared? Yeah, I'm scared.
Why wouldn't you be? I'm a smoker. I'm scared.
Are you seriously?

We had this conversation when the pandemic –

Sebastian said to me once when the pandemic started, he goes, you have nothing to worry about.

You're going to be fine.

And I go, Sebastian, you have nothing to worry about because you're athletic.

That doesn't make a difference anymore.

You have a great body.

That doesn't make –

You have a great Italian body.

I know.

Trust me.

But for me, you you know i don't think

the smoking thing is going to be the detriment for you what is it i don't know you just said it as if there was a detriment i just think i think that health has a lot to do with it yeah beyond the smoking i'm talking about just diet oh yeah what did i do today when i woke up Yoga.

Did you do 30 or an hour?

45.

Oh, you did 45?

We were supposed to do 75. How intense, though? Was it a lot of stretching? Why did you add that part? Because she knows what I'm asking.
She knows exactly what I'm asking. Was it hard? Yeah, it was kind of hard.
Did you sweat? Yeah. Did you? Why are you looking at her? Did you sweat? I know she sweat because she probably puts in the effort.
How about this? Because you were supposed to do Wednesday with us. I know I bailed.
And you bailed. I bailed.
You bailed a lot. First of all, I have a sever.
You bail on a lot of things. I had a sever in my leg.
Did you ever play Warzone with me? No. Did you ever go to the Korean spa with me? We can't do yoga.
We can't do anything. You don't do anything.
I back up everything I say. Did I come over to your uncomfortable house? I did.
Did I eat dinner? We had a good time. Yeah, shut the fuck up.
You're being such an exaggerated dick. I bailed on yoga for one reason, and I can tell you this right now.
I am going to a podiatrist next week. I think I got to get surgery on my fucking leg now.
No, you're doing yoga with us Wednesday.

No, I'm serious.

I've let this go for too long.

This is bad.

Look at how gross that looks.

You see how red and swollen it is?

Yeah.

I let it go for too long, and I thought it was like, oh, it'll just heal itself.

Yeah.

So I wake up Wednesday morning, and I go, fuck, I don't think I can do yoga.

And then I'm thinking, no, man, I'll just go walk around the neighborhood.

I'll take the dog for a walk.

Then I go inside.

My ankle is swollen.

Your dog, though?

Yeah. You know, your dog reminds me of my brother's dog.
Really? Yeah. Just, you can tell.
I don't know why you got lucky, but you could tell he's a good guy. It's a girl.
It's a girl. Whatever.
We did put a penis on it, but it is a girl. It is the most loving.
It sat next to me. She went right up to you.
Yeah. You know what's so funny is when someone says that you got lucky, I believe that to be true.
I used to think I was like, no, dogs take after the way you treat them and the owner. No.
No, you get lucky. I have good friends that have dogs that are just fucking assholes that tear shit up, that poop on everything.
She doesn't do any of that stuff. We have one of those.
You have an asshole.

Oh, I have a fucking,

I have an update on fucking Leonard.

Leonard.

Leonard update.

What happened?

Oh, this is a great one.

This is great.

So,

did I tell you

we ordered a spa for it?

Yeah.

So, you know, a spa.

Yeah.

Then she ordered

a full-blown tree thing

that came today.

You guys are going to spend

50 grand on a bird. Can I just show you what my fucking patio looks like? It's disgusting.
I'll show you what the patio. Have you guys sprayed it down at all or cleaned it off? Just watch, watch, watch.
You can't really see it, but like. Let me see.
Oh, bro. Get a hose.
Right. So this is essentially, you know, these branches, right? There's the spa that they ordered.
Oh, my God. There's so much poop.
There's so much poop. I know.
Why don't you guys? Can you not just. So what happens this morning is.
Put some of those meat pies outside. And he's gone.
Today he's gone? right so then what happened was he flew but couldn't fully make it so he ended up on somebody else's lawn right and you know it's like going I'm leaving the Four Seasons I'm going to a Motel 6 right he went from tip from tip top to bottom. Yeah, to bottom.
And now he's on somebody

else's lawn.

None of our business.

Kalilah probably cares. None of our

business. Do you miss Leonard?

Um, I care.

No, you don't. We talked

about it in the car. His wings are still broken.

No, no, no, no. His wings are broken

still. I said, it

asked her in the car, and you have to be honest with me. I go, do you love Leonard? She goes, yeah.
And I go, if Leonard died, would you cry? She goes, no. And I go, then I go, have you ever cried in a movie? She goes, yeah.
What movie?

No, it's just a love story. A love story.
Which one?

A Walk to Remember.

Oh, yeah. What a movie.

And I go, what scene? When she dies.

Right? I go, you

love that scene more than you

love Leonard. Oh, boy.

I said, I don't know if I would cry.

You wouldn't cry.

I would cry. She'd cry.
You just told me in the car that you wouldn't cry. I said, I don't know if I would cry.
You wouldn't cry. You know you wouldn't.
I would cry. She'd cry.
You just told me in the car that you wouldn't cry. I said, I don't know.
She would cry. She wouldn't be heavy, but she would cry.
If one of your animals died, would you cry? Yeah, because I love them. But for how long? It would devastate me.
For how long? I would get one of them cloned. Do you know that? Can you do that? Oh, yeah.
You can get your animal cloned now? Oh, yeah. How is that? Meryl Streep did it.
How expensive is that? $50,000. You would do that? Fuck yeah.
Gobi? Yeah. Wait, can I do that? How old are they? How do you do that? You gotta get their fingernails or something.
You send it to Korea. Right before they die, you gotta get their DNA their DNA.
Send it away. Send it away.
How long does it take? And they clone it. A couple of months.
Wow, this is a great idea. Then you really never lose your family dog.
Meryl Streep or one of those actresses did it. Her dog.
Brooke Shields. She was the inventor of it.
The Brooke Shields clone your dog. I can't believe that you had that.
Yeah, I'll clone. You're going to clone Gobi? I would clone Gobi But then you think, right? Isn't that creepy? If they can clone a dog They can clone humans They have to clone humans You don't think they've I think they've done it already Yeah, but then But then if we can clone humans I've always asked this question Let me ask you this question Oh boy Do you believe in God? I believe in a being, yes.
I don't know what it is, but I know it's there. So if we can clone a human, are we creating life or is God still creating life? Okay.
Well, that's complex. I believe in a thing.
I don't believe in a man in the sky. I don't believe in that.
I believe in a universal power or energy that's massive that we'll never be able to wrap our brains around. So in that regard, it's all creating without our knowledge.
Things are being created without our knowledge. So do I think...
We live in a fucking alternate universe, dude. None of this is real.
This is a simulation. You're freaking me out right now.
You live in a simulation. You're freaking me out so much.
Let me give you a theory. No, no, no.
Let me give you a theory. It's not a simulation.
The way you look at her, the way she looks to you, when you look at her, you know her characteristics, you've seen her before. You've created that image of who you think she is in your mind.
That energy is real. She exists.
But she looks different to me than she does to you. When you look at her right now now you think i see her the same way you do like she looks cambodian to me i don't know what you're saying you look cambodian no but what you see of her physically all her physical attributes they don't look the same to me we just assume they do because we live in a fucking simulation we've created these universes the way we want to create it's funny because i first thought you know when she first moved in.
Mushrooms. Right.
She looked like a mushroom. No, I thought, oh, she looks like a young – but now she looks exactly – I don't know why.
You take offense to this. She takes offense to this.
But she looks exactly like her mom to me. Well, that's not – I mean she is a child of her mother.
Why would that be a – you see reflections of her in you. But then I call her her mom and she gets really angry.
Well, that's annoying.. I mean, she is a child of her mother.
Why would that be? You see reflections of her. But then I call her her mom and she gets really angry.

Well, that's annoying.

I call her Honey.

Why?

That's her mom's name.

Oh, your mom's name is Honey?

Yeah.

What?

Is that her real name?

Her full name is Honey Luce.

Honey Luce?

That's a great name.

Honey Luce.

Yeah.

Honey Luce.

But you know, Filipinos, they name their kids' names crazy shit. What do you mean? Like three people have named their kids COVID.
Yeah, that's fine. I know.
It's kind of cool. Or paperclip.
They just name their kids in a weird way. Sewerhead.
Yeah. You know what? Yeah.
Thank you for being a bad friend. Here's a little song we wrote for all the dads out there.
We see you. We see you working on that grill.
It's getting real hot. Yeah.
You know that lawn looks damn fine, daddy. Mm-hmm.
We understand what all the moms see. Check out the dad in his new balance sheets.
Tommy Bahama, three buttons undone There goes your dad riding on his mower Just glistening in the hot summer sun So high, dad bites See our bolts coming through So high

We won't tell you what we wanna do

We wanna fuck your dad

A good time will be had

When we fuck your dad

We know your mom will be mad

When we fuck your dad

Thank you. We want to fuck your dad.
We know your mom will be mad.

When we fuck your dad.

Show me how to drive your papa.

Yeah.

We want to fuck your dad.

Everybody.

We want to fuck your dad. We want to fuck your dads.

We want to fuck your dads.

We want to fuck your dads.

Yeah.

Happy Father's Day. Thank you.
Yeah. Woo.
Yeah.

Woo.