Bobo's Pandy Conspiracy Theory

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This is all the vacations. Come seek the caribbean chips registry bahamas you two are bad friends who are these two idiots white dude and an asian dude you two are disgusting you two are something we're bad friends can i play you a song to start the show? Why? I want to play you a song.

You can do whatever you want.

It's your show, baby.

Oh, boy.

You make all the decisions.

I'm going to do this.

I'm going to come up with these little games

that we do,

call-ins,

and these little

sketchy sketch things.

I'm going to choose

the bad friends' colors

and the background.

I'm going to change.

I'm going to do the art direction.

Can you imagine?

And then, Bob, you just show up, okay?

So why do you even ask me?

I mean, it's...

See what I mean?

There we go.

Yeah.

Is it nothing about my flat face or...

Nope.

Okay.

That, that, that. Did you sing it? No, there's a kid named Amphu.
It's a remix from last week's episode. Is it that? Is it that? What was weird? Is it that? Not only that.
Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? What was weird? Is it that? Not only that. Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Is it that? Hey.
Yeah. Okay.
Is it that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, alright, hey, yeah, okay. This is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is that, this is That Is Is That Oh I love it so much Is Is That Is Is That Is Is That Thank you so much to Amphu Is Is That Thank you man Thanks for the shaming And SoundCloud Is Is That Thanks bro Is Is That It's really good I don't have enough problems That's really good I don't have enough problems Oh get fucked That's such a fun song That some guy did R Rude, do you like it? Yeah.
Yeah, you do? Because I'm going to say this. You fucking live in my house rent-free, baby.
And you pay her. And I pay you, and I feed you, all right? So how about one time you're fucking side with me? Oh, Papa is angry.
Shout out to my friend Ramey and Branson and Frankie. They live in Georgia and we play Warzone together.
Shout out to you guys. We took number one one time during the week.
What's up, babies? Shout out to my Georgia fucking Warzone buddies online. What's up, babies? What's up? What's up, babies? Yeah.
You know, the thing is, the thing is, is that. Is is that? Is is that? Is is that? I love that song.
I've been trying to get you to play Warzone, but now you won't play because of the fact that Fatty Eric Griffin posted. Online.
I don't want to be on YouTube. Yeah, we're not going to...
Because I'm not that good. When we play, we're not going to go online.
So will you promise me this? Do you play tonight? Yeah. No, promise me this, that you play tonight or no? I can't play tonight.
Why? Because I have a thing. What thing? It's date night tonight.
Really? At midnight, I'm asking. We're supposed to be fucking them.

Oh, so you fuck every Friday night?

No, no, no.

Well, we fuck a lot of nights.

But I'm saying we do it because the pandemic has kept us in the house and we don't have any normal lives.

We've been doing date night once or twice a week.

So we arrange a nice night to get dressed up, to make a nice dinner, to not just do

the TV sit around fuck off thing.

Well, what about then Saturday night? Warzone, baby. Okay, Saturday night I'll play.
At midnight? Whenever. Whatever time you want to play.
But if you're not on, dude, I'm done with this podcast. Great.
Okay. Oh, don't roll your eyes because I'm being real, baby.
What a stupid threat. Because I've been asking you all week and I get hurt.
I tell everybody. You get hurt? I get hurt that you sit there with Eric Griffin chumming around with Griffin.
Are we going here, Bobby? Here we go. We're going to go get the money, Bobby.
Hey, Bobby. He's leading you around that game, and you're letting him do it.
It's making me sick. It's making me sick.
I know. I understand that.
I don't like what he does. I don't like it.
I don't like it either, but... Bobby, we got to go over here to get this cash drop.
I don't like it. I know.
Put it in the box and make it a balloon go. How'd the balloon go up? I don't like it.
I don't like it either. And then he puts it on YouTube.
And that's why I'm asking you to play. I will play.
So that we can weed him out. He's gonna get so mad.
You know what's gonna happen. I don't need, I don't.
You know what's gonna happen. You think that I feel good about a fatty, fat fuck like him leading me in a war? We're gonna get, here's what's gonna happen.
Hey, baby. He goes, hey, baby, let's go to that fucking McDonald's right there.
Wait, wait for the, I know what he's trying to fucking do. Half of the game was spent in fast food for some reason.
I know. He always wants to go to those fucking like abandoned fucking fast food places.
I don't know why. Because it's like an old PTSD thing.
Yeah, I don't know. Taking it back.
Hey, tell me, before you left to go outside you think the pandy is um a conspiracy well you know here's here's the thing bobby me yeah you're bob yeah i don't know much i read you know i read i read articles on on the web yeah i watch the news the you know maybe it's the fake news i have no idea well it's's all fake pretty much. And I get pulled one direction, right? Because for me, my foundation is, I'll admit, is, you know, Papa's a liberal.
I'm a liberal. You're a liberal.
Yeah. And so then I kind of generally listen to, oh, yeah, I'm on this team.
But there are sides of me now that is being pulled in the other direction. Well, what led you to this? What article did you read? Well, it's just that sometimes I listen to Joe Rogan and all those kind of – Brian Callen and those guys.
Well, don't listen to Callen. That's a foolish mistake.
That guy's a moron. And then Joe Rogan, he said that maybe he's going to move to Montana.
To Montana or something, yeah. So he can do stand-up and stuff.
He wants to move because he has enough money to go wherever he wants. Yeah.
If you were that rich, wouldn't you just leave? I would have left a long time. What would be the purpose? Yeah, like Pauly flew to Hawaii.
I would fly to Hawaii too if I had to. Yeah, he's in Hawaii right now.
Speaking of Hawaii and your shirt your shirt look at you got a Hawaiian shirt on I watched your movie last night and I called you didn't I oh god listen listen listen David Spade has a new movie called The Wrong Missy on Netflix Spade's our homie we love Spade he's our buddy Swartzen is in it who by the way so funny and I texted Nick I go very funny in the movie he goes it's the fattest I've ever been. And I go, I don't think so.
It is the fattest he's ever been. Probably.
Yeah, definitely. But it's not that he was fat.
He's not fat in it. It's just, I think.
Bloated. It looks like that he.
Like Jimmy Hoffman? He was regular size and he died, went into the ocean. They found him.
And then, you know, over the week, the ocean water made him bloaty. That's mean.
He's our friend. That's mean.
He's our friend. Oh, then it looks like instead of that, it looks like that he was a regular guy.
Right. He got real hongo hongo.
Right. And then just ate a buffet in Vegas for 24 hours straight.
And then flew to Hawaii to shoot. And then, no.
And then went onto a boat, got shot in the head, went into the water, and then he got blown. I called you after I watched the movie.
And then you put me in a fucking bad mood. I did put you in a bad mood.
I said this. Let the fans decide then.
I said this phrase. My wife and I said, an underutilization of your talent.
It's a bummer that I didn't see more of you. That's a compliment, Bob.
That's saying, I wish I wanted to see more of you. I was bummed.
Since the year 2000, I've been auditioning for Adam Sandler movies. I auditioned for a bunch of them.
The Pixels. Did you go out for that? Yeah.
Zohan? Zohan, a bunch of stuff. Okay.
And I could never get into his world. You know, I memorized the lines.
I go in there. I could never get into a movie.
And that was a dream. Like, I just want to be in an Adam Sandler movie.
Yeah. Okay.
Now you are. So then last summer, Spade calls me and goes, Hey, man, will you do one line in my movie in Hawaii? And if anybody had asked me that, I'd be like, fuck you.
Fuck you? Fuck you. If I asked you, you would do it for me.
There's rare occasions I would do it for you. Yeah.
But most people you would go. Most people, I'd just be – especially if my agent called me and goes, it's one line.

He'd even talk me out of it, probably, and go, I don't think it's worth your time.

But Spade wanted you to do it.

He called you directly.

Yeah, Spade called me, and I go, one line, I go, I don't know.

And he goes, it's a big favor to me and Adam.

And that was like.

To Ygritte.

No, Adam Sandler.

Oh, the other Adam. Who produced it.
So I go, fuck, maybe this is my way into that world. And I went there and I was kind of just like, I have one line.
So it was no pressure. I slept fine that night.
So usually when I'm – I've been in a movie before where I – Did you stay in that hotel that you guys shot in? No, it was a different hotel that they shot. But my point is then when I showed up, I'm on set.
And, you know, I see all my friends are there. Witowski.
Love him. He's so funny.
So funny. Lapkus.
Yeah. Spade.
Yeah. And I'm – Sandler's wife.
Sandler's wife. I do one take, right?

And then I hear cut.

I shouldn't be talking about this.

I'm going to – Why?

This isn't bad.

It's not bad.

I know.

I shouldn't be talking about this.

But I hear cut and then I see on my peripheral vision, Mr. Sandler come across – you know what I mean?

To come to me.

You got to do it a different way. Yeah way yeah yeah and it's just not right whatever I'm doing is not right the vibe wasn't right what he wanted I think I was making because you know back in the Mad TV Mad TV days if they gave me a line I would do everything I can to get a laugh from that one line well that was that was the job right right that was the whole job so even if it was like you know welcome to McDonald's right I would do everything I can to get a laugh from that one line.
Well, that was the job. Right.
Right? That was the whole job. So even if it was like, you know, welcome to McDonald's, right? I would go, you know, do something.
What, what, what, what? You know what I mean? I'd do a stutter or, you know what I mean? Do what you would do. I would do something to get, especially in front of a live audience, do whatever I can to get a laugh.
You'd go, welcome to McDonald's! Yeah. You'd do it huge.
But I didn't do that. I guess it's a movie, so I go, you know, I'll just play as real, but try to get a...
Ben, it just, every take was like, it's too broad, it's too... I don't understand what you're...
It just wasn't working. So what you see in the movie is, as, you know, what I did.
And it hurt my feelings. Have you seen the whole film? You haven't watched it? No.
No. So you don't even know what it is? Well, I've seen the clips that I – They sent you the clip.
Fans go, ah, you got a line. And you find that condescending? I find it to be – listen, I'm not like some of these other comics that you know i'm trying i'm not like i don't want to fucking name anybody okay don't name anybody but i've done a lot of tv shows and yeah movies it's it's not as if it's my first rodeo baby nah papa been on a bull before And I So you know By doing one line

I'm doing a favor.

I'm trying to like go, you know what?

Try to be in service.

Yes, service the film.

Service the film.

Yeah, that's the move.

And I did that.

But in retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have done it.

Well, here's the thing. And you've been in those situations before, Bob.
Come on, bud. I have the...
You want to have the fans get a real good laugh? Go ahead and watch James Franco's The Disaster Artist, which is based on the movie The Room, which is one of the worst movies of all time. Your boy is in four scenes? I'm in the first fucking scene.
Like, the first thing you see, it's my big fucking orange head guess what i say what nothing this is i go like this and they cut me out i have literally zero dialogue yeah you see me about to say something four times nathan fielder and i had a whole bit in an alleyway gone i was so mad about it i know like so hurt by it I know you were that I genuinely wanted to say something to Franco and be like my guy I respect what what people do when they cut a movie and things end up on the editing floor that's how it goes but then don't show me what do you mean well don't show me and I don't say anything don't show me cut around you yeah don't show me Oh What do you mean? Well, don't show me and I don't say anything.

Don't show me. Cut around you.
Yeah, don't show me.

Oh, cut around you. Don't show me.

But if it's a wide shot and your little orange

head because it's not hard, it's hard.

It's not hard to miss your ugly orange head.

VFX can do wild, cool

stuff. You could have just

done something. Right.

Get rid of me. Get rid of me.
Cut around me.

You know how television

and film works. No, because they're

I'm going to go over. stuff you could have just done something right get rid of me get rid of me cut around me it's you know you know how television and film works you do because they were there you do a thousand takes there's a way to cut around how cool is it though right that i was a part of it no but how cool listen to this logic though let's suppose i directed a movie right and i just i directed a movie and i had tom hardy in it but i cut out all his lines.
Yeah. But he's still in it.
Yeah. And people are watching and go, oh, Tom Hardy.
That's how cool Bobby Lee's movie is, that even Tom Hardy is an extra. Yeah, but that's Tom.
I'm me. That's Tom Hardy.
He's a fucking superstar. I'm trying to.
You're a superstar too. No, I'm trying to get.
In comedy? Who's being originated? I'm trying to. Bill Bur only Bill Burr's huge Yeah Louis CK Greg Fitzsimmons He doesn't have hair anymore Neither of them do Okay Louis Yeah Redheads are There's a bunch Louis Burr Burr Fitz Fitzsimmons Caratop Caratop Kathy Griffin Kathy Griffin Lucille Ball R.I.P.
Yeah There a lot. A lot of redheads.
You're right. And you're like the last one.
I'm seventh. No, you're probably up there.
No, my point is I have no disrespect to James and to Seth and those guys. I think Seth and Evan, I love those guys.
I wanted to be in part of their camp too, just like you want to be a Sandler. Yeah.
The thing that broke my heart was I went to the fucking premiere. Dude.
They didn't tell you before you went to the premiere? They don't tell you. Oh my God.
If I was in the audience and I saw that, I would probably kill myself right there in the theater. So I almost did.
I can't imagine you in the theater watching the whole thing and what was going through your head. Oh, that's joy.
So here's what happened. Oh, I love it was at the man's chinese theater it was at the premiere uh your uncle uh your uncle chong man owns it and uh wong man sorry the wong man and i went to the premiere we sat in the very far back corners me and the me and my uh my lady and um and the movie starts and i see it i'm kind of getting into, oh, OK, OK.
Well, they didn't use me at this front scene even though I had a really funny line to James. It's OK.
And I see the next one. I was like – I was at the lunch table.
I had some really funny lines to June Diane Raphael. You know who she is, right? Yeah.
And then I thought – oh, that's – and then me, her and Paul Scheer and Davey Franco were in this other room together. And then i thought uh oh that's and then then me her and paul sheer and um davy franco were in this other room together and then i thought well this scene literally calls for us to make fun of the other scene it's us it's us yeah and um and then nothing there and so then i get to the fourth time i come on camera and i was next to you i been laughing the whole time.
And I get so hurt by it that I mean this. As we're leaving, I had a full-fledged panic attack.
My blood pressure went up. I couldn't see.
I couldn't breathe. So I grabbed my wife's hand and I was like, let's go.
Let's go immediately. Let's get in the fucking car.
And what is your wife doing? Let's get the fuck out of here. She was so bummed for me.
Shemed for me she was just super hurt she was like it's okay she goes do you want to show your face at the party because you people that don't know after you do a premiere you have to go to this after party did you go no i went right to my house and i sat in my fucking bed and i'm not kidding i didn't sleep for like two days because i was just like this must mean i suck this must mean they don't like me this must mean i'm fucking dog shit all the dude me over and over. And then a piece of me was like, and then I felt bad that I didn't go to the party.
Oh, am I a fucking, why wouldn't I go to that party? Now they're going to be like, that guy's a fucking asshole. He didn't even go to the party.
All of that stuff was going through my head. And, you know, come to, come to know that those guys don't give a fuck.
They have to do what they have to do. It's like they didn't do that on purpose.
It's a thing. Nobody cares.

That's my point is like it's over.

It's in the past.

It's not – there was no reason for it.

It was just it was what it was.

But I've always wanted to be a part of a camp.

I think that's the problem.

Of course we want to be a part of a camp.

Swartzen's in the Sandler camp. But he's been in there forever.

I know, but I'm saying though Ken Jeong's in a camp.

Which camp?

What was he in? He's in the Apatow, that kind of camp. No, he's not.
Ken Jeong? No, he's not. Not really.
Ken just gets a lot of work. He just gets work.
Hangover got him a lot of work. He's not in like a camp camp.
Like Schwartz and those guys, I get it. All the guys that do Sandler films, Schneider, they're all in the same Spady.
They're they're all in the same that makes sense and and evan and uh seth and evan do a lot of the same kind of people franco and his brother and yeah yeah dude those are great places to fucking be we have to create our own camp that's the point well let's create our own camp lazy i don't know how to do it who would be in your camp oh shit. Am I in it? Oh, yeah.
100%. Right on.
If I had a camp – let's say I was a full-fledged writer-director. Let's say you had a huge studio deal.
Studio deal. Universal gave you a huge 10-picture deal, and they're like, Bobby, you have a bungalow on the lot.
You can hire writers and actors and directors. Who are you picking?

Wow, that's difficult.

But I would probably do you.

I would try to help my friends that I think are really good

that don't work as much

as I think they should.

Who do you think is really good

that doesn't work enough?

Rosenbaum.

Yeah, Michael's great.

I think Michael Rosenbaum

is very funny.

I've got to text him back.

I have to text him back

about doing his show.

Yeah.

I feel bad.

I just remembered that. Yeah, I would probably Sasso.
Easily one of the funniest people on planet Earth. I would use this also the standard, but a lot of chicks too, I'd probably use.
You know what? I like Melissa Villasenor a lot. One of my closest friends.
Yeah, there would be a bunch. Love her.
Probably Jay Catapretta maybe. Would you hire Griff?

Of course, I'd have to As what?

Security

You know how you go in the lot

And he's the one that checks the ID

You gotta pass

You can't get on the lot

You're not on the list man

Or let me call

You know how they call

I know every operating system

I have five years of experience

And have worked with several people from your company

I've been recognized for my passion

Thank you. Call.
You know how they call? Yeah. I know every operating system like the back of my head.
I have 25 years of experience and have worked with several people from your company. I've been recognized for my passion.
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Click or tap the banner to shop now. Dad, I think I already told you about just I've had so many problems at those gates.
Oh, it's endless. For people that don't know, when you go up to a gate, Warner Brothers Universal, one of these lots, they have to check your ID and you have to have a drive-on pass to get your car on there.
And if they don't, they embarrass you and they make you pull over to the side while everyone just like scans in. Yeah.
And they call and go yeah he's out here it's it's i just pitched with howie mendell and joe coy before the quarantine yeah and i was at um it was a netflix or someplace like that and i'm at the gate and i'm telling them i'm on the list like you're not on the list man get out of here he says get out of here shut up kidding you. I go, get out of here? I swear to God.
I'm with Howie Mandel. He just texted me.
Right? He goes, no, you don't know, Howie Mandel. Get out of here.
What do you think? You were like a crick. And then I hear Howie go, hey, Bobby Lee.
And go like this. And you could see the security guy's face just drop and go, all right.
Did this guy have like a vendetta against you? No. It's just i don't look like i should be in showbiz yes you do no i don't yeah you do no you do no i was at a hotel was me jordan peele and ardent marine were publicizing um mad tv and i was at a hotel yeah and i just sitting outside and the security guard comes up to me and goes get off the premises shut up the first thing that comes out to us I go what did I do why because it was in a really nice hotel and I always look like I'm a black market pineapple smuggler you know what I mean just like shady like I have a human trafficking business on the side yeah you're up to something you're driving you're driving a u-haul for some reason and without even asking me are you a guest or anything like that his opening line was get off the premises or i'll call the police i like this guy no but i'm just saying that i just have that vibe i think i don't feel i don't I don't look – Here's another thing.
I did this Nickelodeon show once, and I show up to Paramount. And I go to the lady, and she goes, all right, in this room.
And I go, what room? I'm Bobby Lee. She goes, I know, in this room.
So I go in the room, and it's like 10,000 extras. And I wanted to say to her, you know, I was a principal on it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But instead of saying that,

I go, okay.

And you just did it.

I just sat there.

Why?

For an hour.

Why would you do that?

So that kid lady would get in trouble.

You wanted to get this woman fired

because of your defiance?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

So then my agent calls me.

I'm sitting there and he goes,

where are you?

I go, I'm here.

I was here early.

I'm in the fucking extra stable. He goes, where are you? I go, I'm here.
I was here early. I'm in the fucking extra stable.
He goes, what? Yeah, that lady, the blonde lady with the thing sent me here. And then she comes up to me.
And she goes, are you Bobby Lee? Yeah, you're the one. Yeah, I told you I was.
But you're not supposed to be. You sent me in here.
And she got in so much trouble. She probably got fired.
got fired I don't give a fuck don't do that that girl's probably making like six bucks a day know who's coming know who's coming know who's coming I've done so many of those little weird things I can't do that why? it's too mean it's too mean I just who cares sometimes when someone goes I've been treated like that no I show up for a show fight for yourself yourself. Nah.
Yeah, play you something. Your lovely girl sent me this, as you know, okay? This is something that we have on the show here.
This was from before. This is you.
This is Tuti Bobo. That's how I wake up.
This is Tut 2D Bobo this is waking up at about 2.45 this is we played this a couple weeks ago there he goes there he goes come back this way come back this way I really like that Did you hear that too? Yeah That fart That fart She's so turned off by my farts That what I do at nights I have a system now It's so gross I know I have a system Because I have a very tight butthole Well a guy named Spencer Tritt Did you a. So what I do at night is, can I just finish my point? So what I do is I take both fingers when I have to fart and I spread my cheeks as wide as I can to create the biggest opening and it goes like a loose queef.
It goes like that and then I trap the fart in the blanket but did you know this?

and this is science

no matter how long you trap

it stays

I know it doesn't go away

I should have went to biology class

but that's science

you learn everything new

every day

it's so mean

it's so gross

what are you going to do?

I'm old

the mechanisms don't work

you just roll over

get out of bed

fart and get back in

Thank you. It's so mean.
I know. It's so gross.
What are you going to do? I'm old. My body, I think the mechanisms don't work.
But you just roll over, get out of bed, fart, and get back in. That's what I do.
I get out, get out, fart. Well, you get off the bed.
If it's going to be a bad one. If it's going to be a bad one.
Do you ever think when you fart into the mattress, does it stay in there? I think about that. How many poo particles stay inside of there? Probably a lot.
So many. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen to what this boy did for you for that fart sound. Listen to how good this is.
Another fucking techno kid sent us something that I'm amazed by. Listen.
How good is this? So good. It's really actually good.
This kid's name is Fractal Beef. Rudy, you like it? shout out to Ramey and you watch Ragey from Georgia you watch Rogan and you bought into the thing that you believe that it's – I told Rudy before that they did a study in the Philippines that he talked about on there.
In the Philippines, they found that people that have higher levels of vitamin D had seven times the chances of having a less severe COVID infection. You know they're saying sun helps a lot? Yeah, vitamin D.
Guess who has the highest, yeah, vitamin D from the sun. Who has it? Orange head.
Yes. The orangeies.
Redheads have super high levels of vitamin D. Why do we produce high levels of vitamin D? Guess.
Because of the sun. Because we're not supposed to be outside.
Yeah. So our body naturally, like a superhero, I make tons of vitamin D.
Wow. I didn't know that.
I tried to Google it to try to find out if any redheads have died from COVID. Yeah.
And they don't categorize you by hair, but they should. They should.
But they do make a point that if – here's the – I want to be mindful and I really feel even – we've had 85,000 deaths in this country. A lot of people.
That's so sad. A lot of people have died.
And it's devastating. It is.
And I feel so bad for their families. But when I talked to Adam Egott yesterday – I talked to him yesterday too.
When did he say that the comedy store might open? September. Me too.
He said that. But here's the caveat.
Caveat. Caveat means here's the exception of the rule do you really exception of the rule the caveat he said was that it's going to be half capacities in most of those rooms and they won't be able to open all of them anyway so what that really means is what i said the other day before you get into your your honest truth depiction i said to rudy before the show said, I believe in my heart.
I'm not trying to sound like a crazy person. I believe that it's real.
It is all real, but I do think they're not telling us something and when it does come out, it's going to fucking blow up. It's going to be the scariest world-changing event.
Wait, wait, you think that- I think they know something and the reason that they extended our stay for indoors for three more months is because they can't tell us something. That you think that – I think in a government – You think it's a lie? No.
Or you think that coronavirus can mutate into something even crazier? I think there's a bigger detail that we don't know about. I think international fucking – I think there's international conversation between massive world leaders and essentially in my stupid, dumb, up while i'm running in the middle of the night i think this was a threat it was a this is what's going to happen you think this was a biological weapon that was 100 a biological weapon that the ching chongs created to destroy america i don't even think it was them actually if i'm being honest irish no the ir Oh, that's right.
Okay, my bad. They wouldn't do that.
My bad. No, but do you know that the lab in Wuhan, the sister lab is in South Carolina here in the United States? They actually did not – they actually disproved a wet market theory.
That's not – it didn't come from a wet market. Yeah, no, I believe that it did come from a lab.
Okay, so not only did it come from a lab, nobody knows where that lab – which lab it came from. It didn't – it's not the lab in America.
How do you know? How the fuck would you know? Because it happened in Wuhan first. It doesn't matter, dude.
That could be the way that they start that viral spread. If they contain it, these are sister labs.
We don't know what we're talking about. We don't.
I think they're not telling us one big thing, and at the end of the year, they're going to go, fuck. Here's what's going on.
We got a huge threat. Make something up.
Make something up. Here's what's going on.
Kim Jong-un called up some of his homies. They fucking plotted some shit.
They broke into a lab in the middle of the night. And these Chinese lab guys are like, what do you do here? And then the Korean, the fucking North Koreans are like, fucking choked them the fuck out.
What?

And they took the vial and they spread it over Wuhan.

I'm laughing with the accent first.

Go ahead.

What?

The Korean?

Why we?

Well, because the Chinese.

Why we do here?

What do you do here?

And the Korean guy's like, that's Japanese.

But they're there too.

That's not the first thing that they would say if they walked into a lab.

What do we do here? What do you do here? That's not the first thing. And would say if they walked into a what do we do here what do you do here that's not the first thing and then the Korean guys go we're not Korea and they grab the vial it's so racist and they break it and it starts to spread oh shit yeah but they were sent there by people from around the world it was a world coalition why can't they just say that that's what happened that's because a war's about to break a world war 3 motherfucker that's what's gonna happen that's.
I sound like saying Tripoli. Yeah, you do.
You're the one that doesn't believe in it. I believe in it.
I just know there's something they're not telling us. Yeah.
They're not telling us something. Okay.
What I've read is that the fastest we've ever come up with a vaccine is four years. Yeah.
They said it would take two years to get it everywhere. Two years to get this vaccine at the earliest.
Yes. Okay.
Bayer. So we have to now go, do we quarantine until then or should we try to adjust and go out and live our lives with this pandemic? Do you want to just go out and live? You can be honest.
It's okay to say yes. You do.
You want to go out and live you can be honest that's not it's okay to say yes you do you want to go out and and live rude do you want to go out and live she doesn't no because when we walked this is bullshit what you did that she instinctively you know what she just did her today she really we left the house yeah and my friend jeff a dear friend of mine jeff who do i know him okay never mind Do I know him? I know. Okay, never mind.
Your dearest friend, Jeff. Jeff Flank.
My best friend. I don't know his last name.
Let's make up a name. Yeah.
Jeff Bulbous. Jeff Bulbous.
Jeff Bulbous. We hired my friend Jeff because we got a bunch of furniture.
I'm sure you did. I don't know how to build it.
I know. You're not going to build it.
I don't know how to build we were paying this guy to build it. So he was in the garage and as we walked out of the house, Jeff goes, what's up, man? I go, Jeff! And then fucking Rudy, Uncle Tito, Uncle Tito, don't even get close to him.
Don't get close to him, Uncle Tito. I go, he's my friend.
No, no, no, no. I think he got it.
Don't don't get close to him. You think he had the Rona? No, but still, you have to be six feet away.
Oh, were you really close? She's one of those clinical, like, fucking. Did you hug him? No.
He was supposed to. He was doing this thing.
He went to hug him. You went to go hug him.
That was my, when you, I'm sorry. It's instinct, I know.
It's instinct. And you said, Tito Bobby, don't.
Don't go to him. Yeah.
Don't go to him. It's like if I saw a samurai, I would bow.
You know what I mean? That's my instinct because of my old traditional training. Yes, that's in your gut.
As a ronin. As a ronin.
As a ronin. Yeah, yeah.
So what happened? He went and he hugged him or no? No, he stopped. Did you snitch? No.
She will snitch. She's a fucking snitch, this little one.
Did you snitch? No. Look at me.
Did you snitch? No. We had no time because we're...
So she didn't snitch to Kalilah? No, but she is a snitch and it drives me crazy. She's not on my side.
I have no ally to her. She told me she collects notes in her phone about all the stuff that you do that she's going to hold against you.
She's got a blackmail note folder. Yeah, but we haven't paid her yet.
I know we need to pay her. No, we'll wait.
We shall wait. Write it down.
We'll wait. That's true.
We don't need no blackmail. We're blackmailing her.
Yeah, we're blackmailing her. We're brownmailing you.
Yeah, but I don't, you know, because Callan and Rogan and some of these guys. Well, those guys, Callan and Schaub and Theo, those guys all get together.
They all get together. Well, they don't care.
But to be fair – And then it's like Whitney will have Steve-O and a bunch of people coming to her house. Spade's at her house today.
I know. I saw it.
And it's like – and we don't do – well, you went to her house. I went to her house.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You went to her house.
Yeah, I went to her house. I was one of the first ones to go to her house.
Yeah, but – But that was more because – She's like a lonely lady.

She's very sad.

She needed someone to come over, and Tim Dillon and I went over there to console her.

She said, will someone braid my hair?

And you have to go braid her hair.

It's so funny because Whitney Cummings is like, yeah, I'm going to just buy a house in the middle of nowhere.

You've been out there.

It's so far away.

So far away.

In the middle of nowhere. And then when you go to her house, it's like, look, there's no houses around.
Yeah, I know. And I'm like, you're a fucking witch now.
You might as well have that pot and you stir it. You know what I mean? You're like the crazy woods witch.
Boil and trouble. Yeah.
She sits outside in her backyard and she talks to the coyotes. Yeah.
Come closer, coyotes. And she's got 52 dogs.
Too many fucking dogs. Right.
One of her dogs bit somebody. Did she tell you that? No, no, no.
Yeah, she'll tell you. I don't know which one.
One of the dogs bit somebody. But you know what? People are – here's what I think.
People just want to feel normal, right? Like we had come over for the in the backyard and hang out and we just stayed in the backyard nowhere near each other and i missed it so much there's so much i missed it so much just like and then when they left it was like this weird like okay bye and they had to like you know it's just people want to feel normal again that's Yeah, you know, I, in the beginning when the quarantine happened, I would go, this is nice, this is cool. Yeah.
And I'm going to say something that's, I don't know if I... Say it.
What was nice about it is the competitiveness went away with other comics. Oh, right, you mean like the petty bickering? Those resentments and that jealousy and all that stuff had stopped because we were all now in limbo.

We're all kind of on the same page almost.

We're on the page.

No one can do stand-up right now.

No one can sell out stadiums.

Right.

And in the beginning, I'm like, this is good.

We're all at the starting line or whatever or we're all in the penalty box. Right.
We're all in this. Yeah.
We're not in play. Right.
That's good. But now I miss the competitiveness of life.
So much. I miss, you know, getting things and not getting things.
I miss having something to complain about. Like when you go, when you're like, I got to go to this fucking audition.
I got to drive all the way over here. I got, I liked it.
Like I, I could, we complained about it, but I loved it. It was so much fun to just like, cause it's something to have in your life.
It's something to like fill, occupy your time with emotion. Now it's like a still, it's such a fucking still numb thing that you're trying to find some shit to do.
It's driving me fucking insane. I ran six and a half miles last night.
I was only supposed to do four, and I was like, whatever, I'll just keep going. There was nothing to go home.
There was nothing to do with the house. War zone? Yeah, but this was at 7 p.m.
I know. You're not playing before 11.
Yeah. I'm just telling you that, like, you said that you were good at first-person shooter games.
I am good at first-person shooter games. I'm not going to be led around by Eric Griffin.
That's all. Okay.
I'm not going to be led around by him. Oh, by the way, before I forget, we got our video response back from our girlfriend, Rose.
No. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't wait.
I can't wait. Click fast and save big.
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We're shipping Mother's Day gifts with a rapid-fire round of questions. Ready? Yes, my gift.
Can you pack it? Yep. Ship it? Yes.
Guarantee it? Of course. Oh, send gift baskets? For sure.
Protect electronics? Dog proof it? Return it if they hate it? Yes. No.
And yeah. Are you the UPS store?

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OK, so this will this will be good.

Ready?

Mm hmm.

Hi, Bobby. Hi, Andrew.

This me. Hello.
how are you guys you know what i always believe that love is more than a gender it's more than anything actually love is love i just want to say that I'm very, very, very proud of you.

Guys, please, please, please always stay strong.

Most especially that your adoption to Lithuania baby will come true.

I love you guys and always stay safe, okay?

Love you.

How sweet is that?

Lithuanian.

Yeah, that was nice.

That was very nice.

We have to do another one.

How many times do you How sweet is that? Lithuanian. Yeah, that was nice.
She was very nice. We have to do another one.
How many more can we do with her? We just have to keep asking her to do it. Every week we should do one.
You want to do another one? Yeah, let's do one. I propose an idea.
Just a very simple thing that doesn't make any sense. Can we just tell her, just say, lululala.
Lulut Like some weird thing, like Lulu Magic. This is the thing.
She might not say it. Magic bus, magic bus.
Magic bus. Toot toot.
Happy for Toot Toot Magic Bus. Yeah, yeah.
That's it. Happy for Toot Toot Magic Bus.
Yeah, we'll do that. Happy for Toot Toot Magic Bus.
That's it, and that's all we want to say. That's all we want.
Okay. So we'll do one for next week.
We'll do one next week week and we'll get her. But that was very sweet of her.
That was really nice that she did that. She's got the fan blowing in the background.
Hi, Bobby. Hi, Andrew.
Oh, she's so sweet. She is so nice.
What a sweet girl. You like her? Yeah.
Do you? You do. Does she remind you of home? Kind of, yeah.
She does? Yeah. She misses home.
You do? Should we send you back? Can we send you back? Right now? We tried to buy you a flight that one time, and we couldn't buy you a flight. What about a boat? How long would it take to boat down there? What do you miss about home? I mean, talk in the mic, Jules.
All right. No, get your mouth to the mic.
What do you miss about home? My friends. Your friends.
And then my dogs. Your dogs.
Oh. That's so – But did you notice she didn't say her brothers? Well – She has two little brothers she hates.
How old are they? Six and seven. Yeah, that's the worst.
They're little assholes. They're little idiots.
They smell like poop. I know.
Right? They have shit all over the place. They suck.
Last week we got a lot of hoorah for the fire stand-up comedy of Andres Rosende. This dude was a beast, right? I want to show you we found something from his earlier days of trying to get movies produced.
You're going to fucking really love this, by the way. He did a Kickstarter.
By the way, it got funded. $10,000 he asked for and he got it.
And this is it. He directed it? Yeah, this is a Kickstarter.
Would you press pause for a second? Just, I want to let you know, the reason why I know Andreas in the first place is I knew him as a director. You did? Yeah, because this is how I met George.
I met George and Andreas at the same time. So years ago, I was at Maker Studios.
I remember. And I met George.
Yeah. And then one of the first sketches, he told me I know this really good director

from Spain and he's going to

direct the sketch. So he directed me

in a sketch. Did he? That's how

I met Andreas. He's great.

So let's see the movie. Well, this is the Patreon

to get the movie funded. I mean, I'm sorry, this is the Kickstarter

to get the movie funded. Hello Kickstars! And welcome to what will hopefully be the set of my new movie, Mr.
Bear. My name is André Rosende, and I'm an MFA from Canto at Columbia University and Mr.

Bear is my thesis film.

Steve needs now to face the biggest decision of his life.

Either go ahead and get rid of the bloody corpse or become one himself. All right.
As you can see, this is going to be a kick-ass movie. So, if you want to know how the story ends, please, we need your support.
And now they beg for money for the next 20 minutes. It worked.
We have to see this movie. What we have to do is during this – how about this?

During this coronavirus, this pandemic, let's have Andreas write us a short. And shoot it? Let's shoot it.
I'm 100% down. I'm being real.
So am I. But Jules has to have lines in it.
Yeah. Do you want to do that? If Andreas wrote a movie, a short, with me and Andrew.
Would you do it? Maybe it's a quick heist thing where you're trying to... I'm a Korean jeweler or something, and you're trying to...
And I try to rob you? Yeah, something like that. I take you hostage.
Yeah. Or maybe there's just one scene in a movie.
You're a jeweler, and you're going to check on your store because it's been shut down during the pandy. Yeah.
And you see that I'm breaking in there, and I take you hostage. Like Dog Day Afternoon ever see dog day afternoon yeah you never saw yeah i loved it yeah really yeah who's in it dog day afternoon um al pacino was in it and you know who else was in it is john cassetti's is that his name john john cavettis is that what is his name what his name? That's it.
Yeah. And Dog Day Afternoon is they train dogs to race.
Is that what it is? Have you never seen it for real? Of course I've fucking seen it. They try to rob the bank.
And then what happens? And it's a true story. And it's a fumble.
They fumbled this bank robbery all day. Right? And it's a true story.
I even saw the documentary based on the guy. So let's do our dog day afternoon.
Yeah. So you and I – we have to find a bank to do it.
No. We'll find a studio.
We'll do it inside of a closed studio. So you and I are in cahoots.
We're both bank robbers? We don't find that out to the end. Oh, right.
I'm a teller then? You – no, no, not a bank. Jewelry.
Oh, jewelry. I'm a jeweler.
Yeah, and you work with me in the jeweler. And I hold both of you hostage.
Right. And the police come and there's this hostage negotiation and we fool them to thinking that if they just give me what I need, I'll let you guys go.
But in turn, you're working with me and we have an escape plan and Rudyy is the one that gets us out of there she's in the helicopter she nobody knows she can fly a fucking she's like i'm from philippines i don't know next the end of the scene she's like come on rope it down let's go hey red i don't know why you come into i'm gonna have that accent i don't know why you come into my jewelry store to try to love me and my friend what's what my – what am I playing? What's my action? I don't know. You can make it up.
Okay. Okay.
Hey, wait. Hold me up first.
You – oh. What the fuck? Are you a Franken – Franken-orange? No, don't do that.
I want that to- No, be real. Be real.
Be real. All right, all right.
Yeah, yeah. Hey, you stupid Asian piece of shit.
Whoa. Put your hands up.
Whoa. You too, lady.
Put your hands up now. Whoa.
My God. Oh, you're so scared.
Don't call the cops.

If you hit that panic button, I'll shoot both of you in the face.

Give me all the jewelry.

Okay.

Where's the diamonds?

In the vault.

Take us to the vault.

No, no.

Put your hands up.

We'll go.

Both of them.

Yeah.

I just did.

Yeah.

There we go.

I'm fucking you in the ass right now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I have a pointy dick and the cops come just have Andreas write it I'm being real though because I have to figure out something creative to do this podcast ain't doing it for me no I.
You just want more. You want more creativity.
I want to be able to do more because I just – During the week, they just blend together. I don't know what day it is sometimes.
I know. It's really fucking sad, man.
Well, honestly – It's hard to be even funny in this fucking situation. That's all.
We're destined to do some kind of movie or something together. We need to do something like that.
We need to do something, yeah. This was us.
Somebody found footage of us from a long time ago.

Look at how great this is.

This is us.

This is this guy,

Doug Bento,

sent this to us.

This is us on a game show for many years from the 80s.

I was not in a game show.

Yeah, you and I did a game show

together in the 80s.

Yeah, that was us.

I remember that.

When we refer to someone

as yellow,

we consider them to be what?

Chinese?

Not Chinese.

Over to Jerry and Murray?

No.

Yes, Jerry.

Thank you. as yellow, we consider them to be what? Chinese? Not Chinese.
Over to Jerry and Murray. Now.
Yes, Jerry. Um, Cowardly.
Cowardly is correct. Jerry Romo.
When we find someone to be yellow, what are they? Uh, Chinese. Not Chinese.
Over to the Chinese kid. Oh, Cowardly.
How great. That's like one of the greatest clips I've ever seen.
Also, it's like, what? Do you think that kid got canceled? No, you can't get canceled back then. Kid canceled in the 80s? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
When we refer to someone as yellow, we consider them to be what? Chinese? Push-ups there. Yeah, yeah.
Over to Jerry. Yeah.
And when the guy says no, probably 90% of America's like, what is it then? It is Chinese. Yeah, it is Chinese.
By the way, you can tell this is Britain, by the way. Oh, yeah.
British people, yeah. Listen to what he sounds.
He says... ...as yellow.
Yellow. We consider them to be what? Watch his face.
Chinese? Not Chinese. Over to Jerry and...
Look at how bummed he is. I know.
He's like, it is Chinese. Watch when he says Chinese, and he goes, no, watch his face.
Chinese? Not Chinese. Over to Jerry and look at how bummed he is.
I know.

He's like, it is Chinese. Watch when he says Chinese and he goes, no, watch his face.

Not Chinese. Over to Jerry and

Oh, like, oh.

Yes, it is. That's what my dad

calls them all the time.

Yellow bastards. Those

yellow bastards. Get off

our lawn, yellow bastards.

Yes, Jerry.

Cowardly. Cowardly is

correct. And then during the commercial break the Asian guy goes to the orange you're right like just to make him feel better you're probably right we agree we agree we agree but you know how weird that of course and look at his little face is looking over.
Oh, I hate. Fucking little.
I hate, I know. He's crying.
No, he was hating on the redheaded kid. Can I just say something? When in school, you don't think that when I saw that kid in school, in my class, I went.
Fucking chong chongs. Because I hate Asians like that.
Why? Because those are the ones that fuck up the curve. Do you hate Asians like that, Ruud?

Yeah.

You do? Yeah. I'm the one that people cheat off of and we all fail.
Right. Right? But everybody wants to cheat off of him.
They want – yeah. So there's two different types.
So you're the other. I'm the other type, the dumb one.
But you don't like them because they're making – they're progressive. They're doing – they're too smart.
There's just like – there's – a lot of Asians are very sciencey and mathematics.

They're progressive. They're too smart.
There's just like – a lot of Asians are very science-y and mathematics. They're good at mathematics, right? Yeah.
But you have to understand that in every country, you have coal miners as well. Sure.
And I come from that lineage. What about you? I don't know.
Are you a math girl? She gets straight A's. Why do you hate this kind of Asian? She gets straight A's.
Why do you hate this kind of Asian? There's a lot in my school, and they're, like, very, like, they think of a lot of Asians as stupid. So they think if you're not like them, you're stupid? Yeah.
Yeah. I remember going to, I was in rehab in my junior year in high school.
Yeah. And when I got out of school, I remember the teacher, a history teacher goes to the class.

So Bobby just got out of rehab.

She makes an announcement.

Why would she say that?

Because I missed a bunch of – and discuss the journey that you just had.

I go, yeah, I just was on drugs and now I'm sober.

She made you do that in front of the –

And a Chinese guy raises his hand and goes, why do you have to do drug in the first place?

And I remember turning to the guy and going, you fucking gook fuck.

So I think the same thing.

I'm that guy that says yellow.

Yeah.

You're more racist than I am.

Honestly.

Do you want something to wipe up that coffee?

No, it's fine.

I don't give a fuck.

Honestly, dude. It's just like I don't even really identify with it.
What do you identify as? Nothing. I more identify with a strange guy.
Do you forget that you're Asian until someone says something stupid? I don't even think of it. Do you ever think – Jules, do you ever think that you're Asian? No.
Yeah. What white people don't get is that when you wake up, you don't go, I'm Asian.
You don't think that. The only way, of course you don't think that.
I'm saying it's not conscious until someone says something about it. Yeah, you realize, you know like my friend pk sent a put a post off on his instagram and there's a bunch of white chicks in a mall and they're like what kind of race would you never date it's all these white chicks going asian definitely gross right right yeah and those are the moments where i realize oh am i different Yeah, very.
Yeah. What? Very.
I said very. I know you said that, but what do you mean by that? Because, like, black people are cool, and they have all that – they're cool, and they have culture and music, and Mexicans are fun, and they have good food.
Yeah, all that stuff. It's like great cars, great style.
And you guys are just buying up land. You're going to come here to buy the land.
We're so much more than that. I know, dude.
I'm clearly fucking kidding around. Stop it.
Stop it. You know how much I love Asians.
Some of them. Some of them.
Some of them. Yeah.
Which one do you think I don't like the most? You know. You know.
Hey. Vietnamese.
No. Japanese.
No. Korean.
No. Chinese.
No. Wuhan.
No. Cambodians.
Yep. No, really? No.
I don't hate anybody. I don't have time to do that shit.
Yeah. What a waste of my time.
I hate people, not races. There's a lot of people I hate.
There's a reason to hate the person. It's not because of their race.
I feel the same way in a weird... I forget that I have red hair until someone makes a joke about it.
Right. It's really fucking...
It's like this this it's not the same as when someone makes an asian joke to you but it's annoying to me in a way where i go well i'm not allowed to be mean back yeah because then i'm a bad guy yeah you know it's it's so interesting that that it's like without that we i think we would get along better i think as you know it's like but we need to be different i think it's i know we need to be different. I know we need to be different, but why bring it up? Why do people bring it up and then they draw lines and then they say that this group of people that look like this are less than this group of people? Because I think that when you're – when you don't – when your life is not that fulfilled and you're kind of dumb or average, that's a point of conversation.

It's a point of life that you can go – like my buddy's mom was like, you know at that grocery store?

Yeah.

There's lesbians.

Yeah.

And it was like – and of course to us in our world, you go, yeah, so what?

And to them in their little insular world, they're like, no, I mean we don't see a lot of lesbians over here. It's like they're always at that store.
It's a point of conversation. But you know what's funny about this? It's just something to talk about.
It's that everyone says that you're a product of your environment, whatever. So it's like basically if you were born in a Christian household, you're probably going to end up being a Christian, right? Most likely.
Or the opposite. Yeah, but my parents were always anti-whatever I was into.
Like, I remember as a kid, my dad just pounded his hand on the table. If you're ever gay, I kill you.
Right? And I remember going, wow, that's really? Yeah. What's wrong with that, right? I never thought that any race or any gender or any position sexually was a fucking bad thing.
Because it doesn't matter to you. But I know, but I was never conditioned to think that.
I just – I feel like I was born – I kind of analyzed the world around me and things that made sense and didn't make sense and came to the conclusion that why does it matter about one's gender or what their sexual preferences or race? It doesn't matter. But my parents definitely had an ideology and their own set of – But this is to play devil's advocate though.
Our ideology is everyone's cool and it's OK and do whatever you want 50 years from now maybe they'll look back at us and be like god they were so fucking stupid the way that they looked at that i don't know what theirs is going to be yeah but it'll also probably end up being like even calling you a redhead would be like saying the n-word it is it is no it's not it is to me no it's the exact same it's an ugly look ginger that's that's the obvious thing ginger is the n-word uh with different yeah it is it's the different letters you know it's a weird look people just does it look weird though yeah good people just want to feel like they have something to say people elevator music people weather oh god it's hot out they want to just talk about stuff my neighbor to me i'm washing the cars yesterday i'm washing me and my wife's car in the driveway i like it it's like nice i put in my headphones my neighbor does this thing i take my hand yeah she goes you could do ours next yeah what am i supposed to say Now I have to play along with her thing that I don't like. I have to go, you go, it's 300 bucks a car.
I have to do that. Yeah.
Because if I really go, if I go, what? What the fuck are you talking about? No, I'm not going to. That's a stupid thing to say.
Don't say that. And then put on my headphone.
Then I'm the mean guy. I don't do that.
You just have to go along with it. If somebody brings up something that I don't want to talk about, like if somebody comes up to me, a stranger, and goes, wow, I really like that shirt you're wearing.
Yeah. I'll just go, no.
Shut up. I really will.
If somebody goes, where did you get that shirt? Bobby, that Hawaiian shirt's cool. Where did you get that? No.
Fuck you. I really will.
Why? Or I won't even ask me again. Whoa, those pants are cool.
Where did you get those? Who makes those? Bop, bop, bop. Bop, bop, bop makes those? No.
Oh, the company No Bop, Bop, Bop? No, I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to talk to you Bop, Bop, Bop No makes those? Something like that.
Yeah, a spiral. Yeah.
I have a face of ask me directions. People always come up to me.
Yeah, I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to talk to you.
Bop, bop, bop. No makes sense.
Something like that. Yeah, spiral.
Yeah. I have a face of ask me directions.
People always come up to me. Hey, excuse me, sir.
Yeah, what's up? How do I get to Second Street and Gardner? Oh, so easy. Do you have a smartphone and iPhone? Yes.
Okay, open it up and then type that in. No, no, I want you to tell me, Red.
No, I'm telling you what to do with your phone. Type in, how do I get to Sunset and Gardner?

And then when you're done, put the phone right all the way up your asshole.

Yeah.

You know what happened to me this morning that I feel really good about?

What?

I pull up to the Starbucks drive-thru.

I go to Starbucks drive-thru.

I get to the window and she hands me the food.

And I go to hand her my card and she goes, it's okay.

The car in front of you already paid for you.

Wow.

You know, one of these like Oprah things.

you know,

I'll be right back. she hands me the food and I go to hand her my card and she goes, it's okay, the car in front of you already paid for you.
Wow. You know, one of these like Oprah things, you know, pay it forward.
Yeah. And I was like, oh, why did they do that? And she goes, I don't know.
And then my head goes, they're fans, bad friends, or your whiskey ginger. my first unfortunate thought is, did they see me and they know me? Yeah.
But they're in front of me through the rear view. They couldn't have.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. No way.
They did. But then I thought this could be because of the pandy.
People are trying to be nice to people and pay for other people's shit. So then I said to her, well, I should pay for the people behind me then.
Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I had a very – she goes, I mean, if you want to.
And I go, yeah, of course I will. Let me do that that let me pay for the next car yeah but in a larry david moment when she goes away to go get the total yeah i felt like this is so a larry david i literally go what if they got a lot of stuff i don't want to pay for a lot of stuff like i can hear larry david being like did they just get coffee yeah yeah they got more than coffee i don't want to pay for i'll pay for just their coffee yeah and that would be a larry david moment right right they would go they'd get up to the window they'd hand him and they go that guy took care of your coffee um the food he didn't pay for and somehow they remember him they run into him later it's such a larry david moment so i called uh jeff schaefer who did this season of curb and i told him that and i go if you use that i want fucking credit because it's i can see larry doing that thing but i paid for the meal i paid for the people behind me how much it i don't know i didn't even ask yeah but she's you know whatever i paid for it and i hope in my head people kept doing it all afternoon oh what a sweet guy no because that's really fucking cool that's a nice thing to do to make it because here's why if it wasn't the pandy i'm not doing that but the pandy is making us go hey man times are fucking annoying are fucking annoying.
This is something fun to shift it up. It's just fun.
There's something about it. When you go to a restaurant and they go, hey, we're big fans of yours.
It's on us. Oh, God.
You have to tip so much. You have to tip so much money.
That's why. You have to tip so much money when they do that.
What I say is this. I go, no, I'm paying for it.

The reason why is because,

especially if it's a restaurant

that I'm going to come back to,

I don't want them to think

that here he comes again

for a free meal.

There he comes.

He's been here for twice a week

to get the free meal.

So I tell them that.

I go, don't pay for me

because I want to come back.

I'll still give you a big tip.

Don't worry about it.

But I don't want to feel pressure of not coming back. I want to come back.
Right. still give you a big tip.
Don't worry about it. But I don't want to feel pressure of not coming back.

I want to come back.

They're like, sir, this is your eighth time this week

at this PF change. You have to go somewhere else.

I just, I was on, I was

took my, I took my wife's parents out for dinner.

I had a really nice steakhouse.

And they brought us wine. And after the guy

he comes up to me kind of like over my shoulder

they can't really hear.

So I thought. And he goes, hey man

I just, I'm a massive fan.

And this is like

Thank you. he comes up to me kind of like over my shoulder they can't really hear so i thought and he goes hey man i just i'm a massive fan and this is like such a big deal if i don't want to bug you now but after dinner could i get a photo and i go yeah totally no doubt on the way out just you know wait till we're done like done eating and then of course no big deal and then he comes up and the manager comes up and he's like great to meet you in front of my wife and her parents and it's like we took care of the bill and i was like fuck fuck i know because now i'm like you have to give you you have to tip in my opinion you have to tip double double the bill right right double the bill so whatever the bill was two times that has to go to the server's pocket right yeah which is fine it's just it's a forced hand yeah i would have t him well anyway.
But now you're tipping 200% of what the bill was. Right.
And then we take the photo and it's one of these moments where we're not getting the photo. Oh, something's wrong with the thing.
And it's lasting a long time. Yeah.
And now people are looking at me. And for everything in the world, I wish I could have just given all the money for the thing and ran out as fast as I could.

Just give him the money and be like, I can't take the photo.

I'm sorry.

I got to go.

Something's wrong at the thing.

Yeah.

It was just uncomfortable.

It was just weird.

I don't like those moments. Here's what I don't like too.

At a restaurant where the waiter will go, so the chef's a really big fan, right?

Oh, fuck.

You're fucked.

And so he made something special for you, right?

So you already ordered your meal. Yeah.
And then the waiter comes with a boar. Yeah.
On fire. On fire.
And I got to eat the whole fucking thing now. Yeah.
The chef's just sitting there like this. Yeah.
You have to finish it. You have to finish it.
Oh, it's the worst. That I don't like.
I don't like it either. Here's what I do like.
What? When people just do a subtle thing knowing that I know that they know, I think that's the coolest thing when When they go like – like I've had a guy go like this in a restaurant. He just goes like this.
Like that. Oh, I love – it's like Fight Club.
Yes! It's like Fight Club. Yeah.
You know, I know. Okay.
We don't say anything. When we went to Hawaii with my mom before the pandy, we did the road to Hana and then we wanted to go to Mama's Fish House.
But have you've ever been to Mama's Fish House. Yes.
It's a two month reservation. Yeah.
You can only get in if you know someone that can get you in. Right.
So we drove. I tell you this story.
No. OK.
So I we drive up and I go to the hostess and I go, hey, for six. You have reservations? I go, no.
And she goes, sorry, it's a two monthmonth reservation. Like that, and she looks me right in the eyes.
And I kind of blush, but I go, all right, guys, let's get back in the car. But then the valets, they go, what, you can't get in? I go, no, hold on.
I had a valet run down to the hostess. And I could see that from afar, him yelling at her, right? It was the the best right yeah and then she calling the owner of whatever yeah and then she goes she had to go all right you get primed to your table right right this way oh how awesome so we go to the table and this is the best yeah and i love that's why i love podcasting yeah Waiters and waitresses would walk by me and whisper, Nosotros papaya.
Or, hail the Slep King. That's so funny.
And it feels, I love, and I love those fans. I mean, I love MADtv fans and if they like me in a movie or whatever.
Yeah. But our podcast friends are people that we would hang out with.
It's great. It's great.
Yeah, no, I love it. It really is.
I do love it. I love it when all you have to do is be cool and don't make it weird.
Don't say a weird thing. That's why when I – Ramey and those guys I play at Warzone with is when I'm talking to them – because I know during the messages they go, I'm a Bad Friends Tiger Belly fan.
That's cool. And then when you become, when you're playing with them, it's almost as if there's a trust factor because they know all my fucking insecurities.
Well, because they're a part of us. Yeah.
It's really nice. I fucking love it.
Oh, speaking of which, Bob and I, it's not a fact, but we might be be trying to do copying a good friend of mine um no we're gonna do it okay we're gonna do these drive-in movie we're gonna try to do a drive-in movie theater that we might do we might do it in bakersfield yeah we're working it out so um andrew and i bad friends and uh rudy will be there too has to she has to be there on stage with us but we're gonna do a drive-in drive-in movie theater and then and you're gonna go well why can i just i just rather just listen to it but we're gonna we're gonna go to car to car. Yeah, we're going to be there on stage with us, but we're going to do a drive-in.
Drive-in movie theater. And you're going to go, well, why can't I just – I'd just rather just listen to it.
But we're going to go to car to car. Yeah, we're going to be walking around.
And we'll stick a sticker or something on your windshield. We're going to do something.
And we'll wave. You know what I mean? Just don't get out of your cars or roll up the window.
It'll be very – I promise you we're going to make it a whole thing. Wait, let me tell you this one story.
Tell me stories. I love stories.
No, no, no. This just reminded me, though, of that kind of thing i can i can't do that i can't walk up to a restaurant and hey da da da da although nobu malibu i it worked and it felt really good but it never really happens to me yeah but i was in chicago with rogan doing a show and um we go to this place called bavettes and buff one of my favorite steakhouses in chicago, right? This is very Rogan-esque.
Rogan loves MMA, doesn't know sports. He thinks like sports are ridiculous.
I'm like, you like a sport, how do you not like other sports, right? A very famous Chicago Blackhawk hockey player walks up to us as we're walking in and is like, Joe Rogan. And Joe's like, hey, what's up, man? He's like, holy shit, I'm a huge fan.
I'm a huge fan. Corey Crawford, hey man, you're a huge fan, da-da-da.
And he goes, oh, cool, man in and he's like joe rogan and joe's like hey what's up man he's like holy shit i'm a huge fan i'm a huge fan hey man you're a huge fan da da da and he goes oh cool man and he walks and he's like what are you doing in town he's like doing a show and he's like annoyed almost with him yeah and he walks away and i say to joe i go do you know that's like one of those yeah i was like what the fuck and he's like i don't know man and we walk up to the thing joe joe is on the phone and he's out by the car i go inside and i go hey we're looking to get a table there's uh four of us and she's like uh we're totally booked like it's what do you like she's looking at me like i'm a moron yeah and i go i know it's late a late night thing and but um is there any way it's um uh joe rogan like joe is here if we're in town doing the usc and she goes no i'm sorry i don't there's nothing nothing like that i i don't know what you she thinks i'm full of shit so joe comes walking in and the girl at the front is like uh joe goes over there he's like what's the deal we can we is there any way we can sneak somewhere in here at all yeah he's being so polite so nice and she's like i don't have it dude before she can finish her sentence you see a guy i mean that's like out of a movie he's like talking to guests in like a nice suit and then he turns and he sees joe and he's like and he just beelines and he goes joe rogan what's what can we do how can we help you where do you need to be tonight really yeah and he's like, we just want a table. He's like, right this way.

And the girl was like, I don't know who that is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they sit up. She should get fired.
She got fired. She got fired.
She got fired. No.
No, I have no fun. But she should get fired.
But we sat down at the most prime booth in the thing. Oh, it's the best.
And because it's him, because I'm with him, it's an endless pouring of meat. It's just like they like are shoving.
Oh, yeah. Five hours of just me just eating meat, drinking, blacking out.
It was like the most. It's the opposite of what happened to me in Irvine when I told you.
Huh. When I went to the restaurants, I told you that.
Yes, I did. When? On this podcast, I ever told you.
What did you do in Irvine? When I – I didn't tell you? No. So I can't – you know what? I don't want to tell you it's embarrassing after hearing that story actually because I did the polar opposite.
You know what I mean? Why? Tell me. All right.
We might have to cut it out though. Did you tell it on belly or something? I don't remember.
I don't know if I said – have you heard this story before?

This just happened.

So this happened in February or – February.

Yeah.

So I sold out the Irvine Improv, which is difficult to do.

Very.

Right?

Very.

It's 500 – I feel the first time I ever sold out before going there.

It felt good.

Yeah.

So I went there early. I go, you know what?

I'm going to show up, right? And I'm going to have a nice dinner before my show. So I show up at the club and I go to the manager and they go, why are you here so early? I go, you know, I want to be mindful to get here early so you're not worrying that the headliner's not here.
So I came early. And I'm going to eat some dinner next door at Paul Martini's or something like that.

Sure.

So I walk in there and I go, hey, I'm – can I – one?

And she goes, no.

She goes, no.

We're three-hour away.

And I go, yeah, but –

I'm by myself.

Yeah, also I'm headlining literally next door, and I have to perform.

No.

We don't give a fuck.

No.

I go, can I see the manager?

Yeah, all right.

Jimmy.

Jimmy comes.

Yeah, I'm headlining.

No.

Nope.

I go, but I'm headlining.

Yeah, we don't do that.

We don't do that.

They didn't let you eat?

No, so then what I go?

I go, hold on.

I go next door to the Irvine Improv and I go, yeah, they said no.

Right?

And they go, yeah, okay.

And I go, I know, but I go, yeah, but go over there with me.

No.

No.

No.

And they go, but you know what we do have?

There's a Mexican restaurant right next door to that.

Yep. We have Connect.
I'll call. We'll call.
We have Connect. It's really good.
You'll love it. So, okay, know what we do have? There's a Mexican restaurant right next door to that.

We have – I'll call.

We'll call.

We have connection.

It's really good.

You'll love it.

So, okay, great.

I'll have Mexican.

So they call.

I go over there.

Hey, excuse me.

No.

I go, but yeah, but they called.

We know.

We know they called.

Irvine Improv.

You're getting shut down?

And I go, but I go, but I know, but they called, so you talked to them.

Yeah, we just got off the phone with them, idiot We just said No No to you And I go Yeah but I'm We don't give a fuck No So I went back And I went to the manager Of the Iraq And this is This is what This is the part That's gonna be embarrassing Yeah I go I'm going home Shut up I swear to God I said that. Like an idiot.

Like a fucking baby.

You're like, I didn't know when give me food.

I don't like a fuck.

We have food here.

I don't want to eat your diarrhea fucking ridden, infested fucking food here.

How do you know it's diarrhea ridden?

I don't know.

I just don't like club food.

Did I get food poisoning from your old Irvine improv?

I did.

Yeah, I know.

That's what I'm saying. I did.

You hear stories.

Yeah.

So I went to my car. You pretended like you like you were gonna fucking leave you're such an asshole and they're like pop where are you pop no no they're like you know i mean and i i think i called like um some guy from a you know i mean to help you get through it yeah i go i go because i just got on you know you know you know you were just pissed off.
I was just newly sober. That was when you just got sober.
I was like a month and a half in. You know what I mean? So I was just like really tender.
Yeah. And I was just like – he was just like, what are you doing? You got to work, dude.
See? It's not a big deal. Grow up.
And I go, all right. I know, but I'm just saying when you said the Joe Rogan thing, right, it's the polar opposite of it.

It was just –

And I'm being honest with you.

When I behave in that way –

Yeah.

But somebody should have sat me, by the way, but –

Well, you're a single.

It should have been easy to take one person.

It should have been easy.

Can I just defend my position real quick?

Sure.

Is that the Irvine Improv, how many – I mean, you're talking about 2,500 people

during the weekend

that you're bringing in,

right?

Yeah,

it's a lot of business.

So you're bringing in business

to those restaurants,

am I not right?

The majority of that business

is probably those people.

Don't you think?

Yeah.

Right?

Just give me a table.

That was my thinking,

right?

You're right.

I should have done it differently.

I was acting,

my ego got in the way.

Yeah.

And I don't want to apologize

to those restaurants.

That being said,

fuck those restaurants.

Give me a fucking table.

Fuck those restaurants.

Give me a table.

I'm not sure. you're right, I should have done it differently.
I was acting, my ego got in the way. And I don't want to apologize to those restaurants.
That being said, fuck those restaurants.

Give me a fucking table.

Fuck those restaurants.

Give me a table.

Okay.

It is true.

Yeah.

It is true.

Fuck those restaurants.

Give me a table.

You can help me the fuck out.

No, I can't pull any strings.

Joe was the only reason that,

every time I've ever tried,

they don't even acknowledge it.

Okay, one more story.

Yeah.

One more story.

So this was just surprising to me.

Jordan Peele and I,

he goes, let's go have lunch somewhere.

So we went to this restaurant On Los Feliz Boulevard Right Little Dom's It was dinner It was dinner Like 6pm Little Dom's No it wasn't Little Dom's It was called the lodge Or something like that Okay Or the living room Some bullshit fucking thing like that And we walk into the lobby And We go, hey, can we sit too? Necessarily reservations only. And Jordan just goes, all right, walks out.
And I go, Academy Award nothing? You won an Academy Award nothing? It's so funny if he just brought his Oscar and he's like, hey. I'm just saying that you can't get in? No, good.
But don't you think that's fair? That's fair. I think it's fair.

No, you want it.

You want it so you can do it. I think it's fair.

Did you get into Poway Hall of Fame, by the way?

I didn't.

We never checked.

No, never.

You crashed the website?

It still didn't work?

Yeah, yeah.

It's there.

I'm sorry.

I let it go.