Bad Friends Drinking Game

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You two are bad friends.

Who are these two idiots?

White dude and Asian dude.

You two are disgusting.

You two are something.

We're bad friends.

The game show is going to be great.

What are you worried about? It's going to be fucking awesome. I read the reviews already.
They're bad friends. The game show's gonna be great.
Bro. What are you worried about? It's gonna be fucking awesome.
Dude, you weren't... I read the reviews already.
So they're so good. No, you didn't.
There's no reviews? Yes, I did. Yeah, there's a bunch of reviews.
There's no reviews. Dude, Variety said it's the hottest new game show this side of the Mississippi.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. They did.
Because I've been Googling it, too. What has it been saying? Nothing.
I mean, Deadline put a fucking photo up, and it cropped me and Ian Carmel off the sides. Yeah.
So it's just Keegan, Serena, Venus Williams, and Rob Gronkowski. Yeah.
Well, what are you going to do? You know? Are you drinking now? I feel like I should have something just in case. If I'm in the mood, I'm not going to have one unless I feel it.
Take a shot. Not unless I feel it.
You know, I'm five months sober. Go ahead.
Tempt me. No, no.
Is that what you're doing? No. What do you mean? Five months sober now.
Tell me. You don't like drinking that much.
Oh, I love it.

I'm a drinker, too.

Do you not want me to do this in front of you?

No, I love it.

I love living through you.

This is a level of control that I know you have.

Come on, man.

You can do this.

Yeah.

The Bad Friends Drinking Game.

Here's how you play.

Every time Bobby Lee says...

The thing is is that. The thing is is that.
Because the thing is is that. The thing is is that.
The thing is is Lee says The thing is is that The thing is is that The thing is is that The thing is is that The thing is is that The thing is is that Have a drink Must be legal drinking age to play But whatever dude We're not the fucking cops Okay So I have a hole in my tooth Let me see You wanna see it? yeah i want to see your whole tooth all right you gotta come closer i can't do that well then you're not gonna see it well i'll just you can't see it from there where how far is it or which one is it it's way back here there's a black hole oh yeah black hole tooth in my mouth yeah and it's like you know one of those, one of those were, you're like, it's fine. It's fine.
Yeah. It's fine.
It's fine. It's fine.
And at three in the morning, you wake up. Vibrating.
It vibrates. And all of a sudden, and then spikes.
Spike. Spike.
And then you wake up and you go, fuck. And then, oh, it's gone.
You're going to make make an appointment Though now My dentist said he's back Next week I said I'm coming in Just to say hi No no no I might I like the pain a little bit So I'm gonna wait A little bit Yeah You're a little sick You're a sick fuck You're a sick fuck You like pain Well I masturbate When I It gets me hard When it hurts the worst Then you yeah I love it but um so the hole in my tooth and then um there's a lot of fucking and then the Chinese lady got her face kicked in what Chinese lady got her face kicked in did you ever see that video? did it just come out? can I play you a video that I posted on the internet first of all all, let me talk about the Chinese lady. What's her name?

Ching Chong Fat Fat.

I don't know, man.

I love Ching Chong Fat Fat.

Yeah, but Ching Chong Fat Fat, these two African-American gentlemen.

Uh-oh, you can say what you were going to say.

What were you going to say?

Black eyes.

Okay, there it is.

And they kicked this Chinese lady in the face.

Is it on the news?

Can you see it?

No, it was on the internet. Let me play this for you.
Let me tell you. This is a throwback.
I posted again because timing-wise, it's pretty great. Who is this lady, though? You know what? Maybe I, too, could be ninja.
I want to be ninja. I want to be ninja.
I learn to chop your heart. I fight with credit card.
I use my nunchucks even while feeding ducks. I throw my ninja star.
Stop it. Oh, so very star.
Will you stop it? Look at this Asian lady in the very front. First of all.
This video came out a long time ago, but I saw it again.

I was deleting stuff.

Yeah, I want to let you know.

Let's just hear the chorus again.

Oh, no, please don't turn.

It's going to be the worst.

Do karate moves with a girl.

Woo!

I learned my ninja kicks while watching Netflix.

I try to do everything like on the big screen.

And you guys, you know what?

What? I might do it. I might be a ninja soon.
I gonna be ninja. This Asian lady, how is she standing there through this? There's four minutes of this.
All right. First of all, if I was at Asian...
I gonna be ninja. Turn it off.
Turn it off. Okay, it's off.
All right. If I was that Asian lady, I'd already...
I'm gonna chop, chop, chop, chow down, take chow down to Chinatown. I'm gonna be ninja.
It makes me so angry. It's like the rudest shit I've ever heard in my life.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going through my folders on my phone.
Because she doesn't realize how difficult... It's so rude.
How difficult it is to be a ninja. Yeah, the levels are insane.
She could never be ninja. Yeah, because there's different levels.
Number one, you have to be able to climb a tree. She can't climb a tree.
There's no way. There's no chance.
Right. Number two, you have to have enough breath stamina to fucking do the blowgun.
Yeah, you got to have that. She doesn't have any of that stuff.
She doesn't have that. She has to be able to throw a star hard enough to puncture skin.
Yeah. Yeah, she can't do that.
She's gotta be sneaky as fuck. She's not sneaky at all.
Imagine her being a ninja. What's that white lady in the tree? There's a white lady in the tree.
What do you mean? Look! That's a ninja. A ninja! Yeah, way.
Ma'am, please get down. Yeah.
Look at her skin, too. I practice every day.
I practice every way. Ninjas wear sunscreen.
Ninjas wear sunscreen. Always do good.
I really wish I could. Oh, my God.
I drink from sippy cup. You know I won't give up.
I gotta try my best. You can't expect no no less That chow has not a clue It's too good to be true I'm making progress Alright, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop You know what this reminds me of? Do you know who this is, by the way? Who is that? This is a girl that sells Murphy beds in Orange County She did this as a promo to sell Murphy beds You know what Murphy beds are?? No.
The beds that go in the wall. The cabinet beds,

you know,

they pop out of the cabinets.

Have you ever seen that?

No, no, no.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Old time Murphy beds.

Yeah, that's what she's selling.

She opened a Murphy bed company.

This is like years ago.

Yeah.

But she put this out for promo.

Let's hear the chorus one more time.

I don't want to hear this.

It's one of my favorite choruses.

I must confess

I catch a flying dick

With my chocolate stick I take down. Ha, this is getting fun.
You guys, I think I almost a ninja. I almost a ninja.
She almost a ninja. I almost a ninja.
I try to chop, chop, chop, chow down Take chow down to Chinatown Take chow down to Chinatown This is the most racist shit I've ever heard of my life And it makes me laugh so hard This poor Asian lady You know what's as hard as being a ninja? Why is she there? It's being a Navy SEAL, right? Yeah, it's the hardest thing in the world. Imagine a Chinese dude or a woman.
I want to be Navy SEAL. You know what I mean? I don't think it's that offensive.
A Navy SEAL? Well, if it was a Chinese lady doing it. Ninja's a cultural thing.
I think it's what the accent is what's offensive about it too. It's very offensive.
It's really good. You know, I'll be honest with you.
I had a girlfriend once. Her name was Sarah and she lived in Louisville.
I know who she is. Do you? I know her.
She's a comic. Yeah, she was, right? Or she is? Yeah, she was.
She still does it. Did she want to be ninja? No.
I stayed at her parents' house and she goes, so we're having a special dinner for you. This actually happened.
This is so good already. I already know what it is.
No, you do? No, no, I'm in my head. We're having a special dinner for you.
So you have to sit in the – I guess white people in the Midwest or in the South, they have basements. Yeah, we have basements, yeah.
I've never been in a basement before. Well, there's a purpose for it.

We have those in the Midwest

for tornadoes and shit.

We need to go down there.

All right, my bad.

Also, extra square footage.

It's really good.

It's really great real estate.

So I'm in a basement,

and I was there for about 45 minutes,

and she comes down,

and Sarah's wearing kimono.

And she goes,

and it's,

mind you,

there's 20 people there. Yeah.
Her grandparents on both uncles aunts right so i go what what why are you wearing kimono you'll see so we go upstairs the whole place right has she put bamboo on the walls okay there's um's, like, swords on the wall, too, like, samurai swords. I like it.
The grandmother, everyone, they wear the mascara, right? Chinese eyes mascara. I walk into the fucking dining room.
They all, shut up. I swear to God.
They bowed to you? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What was that? They said, how to cha-cha-chai? What? How to cha-cha-chai? Yeah.

How to cha-cha-chai.

How to cha-cha-chai.

Right?

And then she goes, take your shirt off.

I go, why?

You have to wear this shirt.

It's an extra small Pokemon shirt.

So I put this extra small Pokemon shirt on.

And it's like, you know what I mean?

Super tight.

I can barely breathe.

Yeah.

And I'm sitting there. And then everyone's wearing chopsticks.
But we're eating like what white people eat, like roast turkey. We usually eat – oh, what do you mean? Oh, no Chinese food at all? No.
They didn't even try to make Chinese food? No, no, no. But I had to use – I remember using chopsticks to pick up stuffing, which is very difficult to do, by the way.
Do you think her mom

told,

do you think that was a bit?

She's funny,

right?

She was funny?

Yeah, she's very funny.

So do you think that was a bit?

Everyone was laughing,

having a good time

and I'm kind of laughing too

but deep down inside

this is the price you pay

to get white pussy.

You know what I mean?

If you want,

Was it worth it?

Oh yeah.

If you're an Asian dude

and you want white pussy

sometimes you have to Take one for the team. Take one for the team, yeah.
You got to take the one for the team. They were a very funny family.
One time we were horseback riding. It was in Kentucky, and we're in the woods.
And her dad just goes, see that tree right there? Yeah? I go, yeah. That's where we hang Chinamen.
Were there any Chinese guys up there? No. Oh.
It's a joke. I know.
And you're running long and you laugh. You go, this is the price you pay for white pussy.
And he literally goes, that's where we hang Chinese people. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And everyone laughs. They laughed? Oh, yeah.
It's a joke. Sure, yeah.
It's a joke. Yeah, hanging Chinese guys.
So I've had like a lot of those situations. But that's the price you pay.
It's the price you pay for white pussy, yes.

Damn, white pussy good, huh?

No.

No?

Because you get to the point,

because then you realize

all pussies are the same.

Yeah, it is.

Right?

Like, if you eat white pussy,

like, if I close my eyes,

you know,

I guess the pussy looks,

the colorization's different,

but if I close my eyes

and I looked black pussy,

white pussy,

and Asian pussy,

I don't think I'd be like,

hmm, that one tastes

Thank you. Mm-hmm.
All right. So we did a contest, right? And we have an Indian pussy in front of you.
Someone from India? Yeah. And you licked it.
What would you taste? Yellow curry. Yeah.
Black pussy. Oh, wow.
That's weird. That's like – it's like – Do you have to look at that much? Seven, eight.
You like it. Redheads love black pussy.
It tastes like corner store potato chips for some reason. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, OK. I guess you're right.
It's all the same. I can't believe we're actually talking about this in front of Rudy by the way yeah Rudy yeah this is terrible she's above she's over 18 I know but I don't wanna she shouldn't be in the room for that we should kick her out for that stuff Rudy did you like the I Wanna Be Ninja lady yeah you did she liked that song get closer to the fucking mic Rudy that's gonna be a shirt by the way yeah yeah yeah get closer to the fucking mic you don't so um Rudy you don't find that to be offensive it's offensive but it's funny yeah Yeah, yeah.
That's going to be a shirt by the way Get closer to the fucking mic So Rudy you don't find that to be offensive? It's offensive but it's funny Yeah Let me ask you something If you were at that party would you stay? Like if you were that poor woman There's one Asian woman they focus on Right over her shoulder That was you right? If that's Rudy If we're looking at this video Please don't play it again No we're looking at this video There's Rudy right there That's Rudy, if we're looking at this video again. If we're looking at this video.
Please don't play it again. No, we're looking at this video.
Right. There she is.
There she is. There's Rudy right there.
That's Rudy. Obviously, look at the woman next to the Asian lady.
Yeah. Yeah.
Right here. Right? She's smiling, right? Yeah.
They're all kind of smiling. The Asian lady is definitely not.
Do you know what she's thinking right there? I'm going to kill you after this song. Look at the whole song,

by the way.

Every frame.

She's just holding her composure.

Yeah, every frame.

Holding her composure.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I can't believe

she didn't hurt her.

Yeah.

Why didn't she kill her?

She's in every fucking shot.

And look at this

old rich white guy.

Oh, yeah, he loves it.

I want you to be a ninja too.

You can be a ninja.

I love you.

Let me tell you something.

You're a ninja girl.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Look at the big dude in the back.

You're totally a ninja, man.

I fucking love you.

Yeah, we'll fuck that one, man.

I love you, Jen.

I've never fucked a ninja before, but I'm going to fuck one tonight.

You're the best.

And she's like, I'm on so much Xanax, I don't know where I am.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

These are all real people in Orange County.

This is very Orange County. Well, Orange County is...
Look at this fucking moron's outfit. I know.
Dude, these people loved it. They all want to be ninja.
Yeah. I'm gonna be ninja.
Damn, dude. Damn, dude.
You know what it is, by the way? You know what it is? That's just like a – that's just people that have only – that kind of white people have only been around only white people. So this isn't a big deal to them.
I'm telling you. I'll tell you why.
They grew up in Orange County. They never left.
I'll tell you why that's true. You know because you grew up around San Diego.
I'll tell you why that's true because in any other area in the country, obviously,

you don't just,

you don't,

you tell somebody.

Yeah.

You always,

you call somebody

and go,

hey,

hey,

Sally,

I'm doing that ninja song.

Right?

It says,

yeah,

finally.

Yeah.

Only in Orange County.

Yeah.

In any other society,

it's like,

no, dude. Don't do that song.
Don't do that fucking song.'re gonna do that song cause Sally Chang's gonna be there and she goes yeah but she gets it yeah she's cool she gets it yeah so like if I like you know how you and I've talked about how when we make you know a joke like we wanna do a tweet about a black person, we always call four or five other dudes, comics.

We always make sure we call other people for confirmation. I have Mexican things I want to say.

There's Johnny Sanchez.

There's certain guys that I call.

Hey, dude, is it right to call you guys frijoles or whatever?

You know what I mean?

He's like, yeah, dude, it's fine, bro. It's know it's cool man yeah but it's only cool because you know them so this woman doesn't really know any asian people or have any asian friends yeah this is just her this this is a joke between her and her friends and it's the funniest thing they've ever said yeah she's like i'm gonna be canceled or no probably not right this was years ago it was just i found it in my videos on my phone when i was deleting stuff uh transferring from my to my phone from my computer and i was like what is this video and i clicked on it and i remember i was like oh my god that this was before people got canceled it's like five years ago yeah god it's so funny it makes me laugh so fucking hard it's so unaware when you're on the road because you for me i have to travel to certain country.
You've been there as well. Yeah, we do the same thing.
Your experience in Nashville is probably different than my experience. Yeah, probably.
First of all, I don't sell tickets there. You don't sell tickets at all in Nashville? Mm-mm.
Wow. The last time I was there, I did half rooms.
No way. Yeah, man.
Zanies? Yeah. Really?

Yeah, I remember leaving going, oh, they'll never have me back.

Fuck, I love that club.

I know you do.

But that's your different experience.

Right.

You know, for me, it's like afterwards, it's like you have white dudes come up to you and go, mystery.

Very, very, very funny.

Yeah.

And then you go, and then you have to laugh. That sounds just like you.
Rudy, don't laugh. Rudy, don't fucking laugh.
So here's what I would say. I know that's got to be annoying.
We've talked about it in the past. What I think you should do is, you should address it on stage.
You should say that. You should go.
If any of you fucking idiots come up to me and do a bad Asian accent

afterwards,

I'm going to spit in your mouth.

I'm going to spit

right in your face.

Right, right, right, right.

I think you should talk.

I think you should make jokes

about it,

about how annoying it is

when people do it.

Then it'll wake people up

a little bit to it.

Ooh.

You don't think so?

My tooth.

Oh, your toothy hurts?

Yeah.

Spike, spike.

I'm sorry.

I'm hard.

I'm hard again. Oh, there we go.
Do you have any cavities? Caffities? Cavities. Yeah, I have a mouth filled with them.
How many cavities have you had? Seven or nine, I don't know. Ten.
Have you ever had a root canal? Two. Yeah.
Not only did I have a root canal, I had a cap. I had to redo it.
Another dentist had to redo it it was so fucking bad Kalilah my girlfriend has never had a cavity it's so annoying because she brushes no that's not why I brush and I don't even like sweets that much it's genetics it's genetics dude I'm telling you I talked to a dentist one time I said why do I keep getting cavities when I was in my teens I was like why, why? And he goes, dude, it's just genetics. He said, your mom has a lot of cavities? Weak genetics.
Teeth genetics. Weak.
Teeth genetics. Teeth weak.
Weak teeth. Weak teeth genetics.
Fine. Weak teeth genetics.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
We can say that. WTGs.
Weak teeth genetics. That's what I have.
But it's a weakness. No.
It is. By the end of our life, our teeth are all going to come out anyway.
Right. Everyone has shitty – at the end of it, everyone has shitty teeth.

Yeah, because when I was – because I have no teeth.

I have maybe – I'm not even kidding.

I have nine maybe, eight to nine teeth in my mouth.

Okay?

You've seen it.

Yeah, it's insane.

It's insane.

I mean I'm going to start losing more.

Like my teeth are so fucked up. Right.

So then when I said, well, can you do the thing where they drill the – you know what I mean?

They drill the screw into the bone down here and then screw in.

He goes, you have weak gums.

They're that bad?

Yeah, your gums are weak, bro.

So you can't even get, even if you want it.

Well, I think maybe they've strengthened over time.

What's it called?

Veneers.

You can't get veneers, can you?

Yeah, I'm trying to get them.

But all of you went all across because sometimes they look so bad. No, I like it.
it i like it when they look like that really like the mask you know like yeah yeah i love that is that what you want yeah remember like when pablo francisco had like crack teeth yeah and then what day the problem is sometimes they look so bad look look at how stupid that looks sometimes they look yeah yeah yeah like joe coy has that it just looks like this looks way more fun what the one above yeah this one above at least she looks like she parties yeah yeah she parties you can't this girl this girl you can't take to bed this girl you could take out to the shed yeah you can shed tooth this girl you got to have another house you got to have but the one above right if you wanted if you wanted to punk shed. Yeah, you can.
That's shed tooth. This girl, you got to have another house.

You got to have-

Yeah, but the one above, right?

If you wanted to punch, beat her up a little bit, the teeth go real quick.

This one, it's some work on the bottom.

Well, because these are solid, huh?

Yeah.

You could smack around a little bit.

You could smack around a little bit before, you know what I mean?

Anyone notices, you know?

Rudy, do you have nice teeth?

Smile.

Let me see your teeth.

Yeah, you have nice teeth.

Yeah, she's 12 years old.

Of course she is.

They're like, they just grew in. What does that mean? Most young kids have bad teeth unless they got braces.
Did you have braces? No. That's what you're talking about.
Oh. Did you have braces? Yeah.
You did? Yeah, we had money. Oh, okay.
We had money growing up. I mean, I had braces, but at this point, they're all jagged now.
They're white, though. They're nice.
And I have chips in them now. Yeah.
Oh, I just got an email from a company saying they're going to send us teeth whiteners. Should we use them? Of course.
You want to do that? I'm afraid of that. The thing about teeth whiteners is because I sometimes I'll go and get white strips.
I can't use those. Right.
When you put them on. They hurt.
They hurt so bad. They're so sensitive afterwards.
And I'm real weird about my teeth things because I've had so much trouble with my teeth. What else are you weak on, your body? Well, I called you.
You called me the other day about my migraines. Yeah, that's pretty weak.
You went blind in your eye, huh? I went blind. You just go blind in your eye, huh? I go blind in one eye.
That's a weakness. I have ocular migraines.
Right. So you have weak teeth.
You have a weak eye. No, it's not my eye.
It's my brain. Weak brain.
Well, yeah. Yeah.
You've got, is there like sibling fucking in your past? Like through your history? A couple years ago. Oh, in the past past? Like is your mom and your dad, are they brothers and sisters or something? They're cousins.
Yeah. They're cousins.
Are they really? Yeah. Yeah, Bob.
My parents, my fucking parents are cousins. Yeah.

It wouldn't surprise me, man, because I'll tell you right now. Wouldn't surprise me if your family was cousins too.

You guys all look the same.

At least we look different.

You guys are carbon copies.

You must, there's no way, there's no way Koreans aren't from incest.

You all look the same.

Identical.

That's so fucking racist.

True.

It's so true.

The most racist thing you've ever fucking said in your life.

I don't look anything like my mom. You look exactly like your mother.
Do you know why? Huh? Because you're, listen, when I, growing up, when people said that Asians, people look alike. No, no, not Asians, Koreans, Japanese.
I think look different. I see a lot of different Japanese guys, Koreans.
Same. Really? Same.
So if you, when I go down Wilshire, I just go same guy, same guy, same guy, same guy, same guy. Yeah.
The whole time. So you're saying to me right now that right now, if John Cho was sitting here, you wouldn't think that— I'd go, hey, Bob, good to see you.
And we'd start the podcast and I'd finish it with him. Margaret Cho.
Same thing. I'd go, hey, what's up, Bob? What's up, Bob? You're dumb.
What's up, Bob? No, no, no. All the same.
You and redheads are the same. You look just like Margaret Cho.
You look exactly like Margaret Cho. You don't think you look like Margaret Cho? Dude, I'm telling you right now.
Tell me right now. You might have to stop right now because you just put me in such a rage.
Shut up. Margaret Cho.
Let's see what she looks like. That's you.
That's not you. That is you.
Rudy's laughing. That looks just like, doesn't it? No, it doesn't, Rudy.
Rudy, that looks just like Bobby. Look at me.
First of all, Margaret is a friend of ours. I know.
You were the one that brought it up. You guys look alike.
No, we don't. Yeah, you do.
You're acting fucking ridiculous. Look at that's Bob right there.
Are you ready to? Let's switch topics. Get Margaret off the fucking screen! Let's switch topics! Rudy loves it! No, Rudy.
Stop laughing, Rudy! Rudy, laugh, laugh, laugh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's Mother's Day, by the way. Did you wish your mommy happy birthday? Happy Mother's Day? It's Sunday, right? Yeah.
Yesterday. Yesterday was Mother's Day.
Oh, that's right. Yesterday was Mother's Day.
So we put together a little video. Some of the fans sent in Mother's Day pictures.
We really appreciate it. We want to say thank you for that.
Was your mom? Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, you fucking piece of shit.
Don't talk shit about my mom. The hovel is what I like to call her.
Yeah, so this is a lot of the fans sent in pictures of their mom, and we put together a little something for Mother's Day. Let's enjoy it.
Is it our pictures of our moms? It's our fans' moms. Our fans.
Oh, that's great. Let's see.
Let's see. Don't make fun of them, by the way.
This is no way. Happy Mother's Day, mamas.
Oh, yeah. Beautiful women across the world.
Oh, there we are. Listen to the song.
You know it. Go ahead, girl.
I want to take your mama out for date night Make her feel alright Give her conversation till the daylight Cause she is so damn tight I pick your mama up in a Ford Flex That I borrowed from my last ex Leave your purse mama cause I got checks Tonight gonna be about mental sex We hit up TGI Fridays Take the scenic route Forget the highways There's no such thing as my way It's about you mama You my baby dinner's done, take your ass straight home.

Walk you to the front door so you're not alone.

Kiss your hand and say thanks for the love you've shown.

Get back in my car and then I'm gone.

Show you respect like the queen you must be.

You never stutter, always speak indirectly.

You ever need me, mama, you just text me.

Until then, you stay so damn sexy.

Happy Mother's Day, mamas.

Happy Mother's Day, mamas.

Wow.

You know what would have been better is if we'd done that video, but you lip-synced it.

That?

Lip-sync what?

Because at first, when we were playing the video, I thought, Andrew's singing this live.

What a talent.

I don't remember the lyrics.

I wrote them when I was drunk.

Just try it.

Let's just try one real quick. By the way, I do want to say this seriously.
Some of the fans sent in – a lot of fans sent in pictures of moms. Beautiful mothers.
And some of the fans' mothers passed away. And some of these photos are of moms that are not with us anymore, which I just want to say we appreciate.
You know, Bob knows about loss of a parent, so it's cool that people included their moms that were gone. It was a big deal.
I thought that was very nice. I thought that was very nice.
That's why the song is not disrespectful. It's very respectful of the mamas.
In the video. Okay.
Asshole. Yeah.
Happy Mother's Day, mamas. Beautiful women across the world.
It's your day. You know it.
Go ahead, girl. Yeah.
I want to take your mama out for date night. Make her feel all right.
Give her conversation till the daylight cause she is so damn tight I pick your mama up in a Ford Flex that I borrowed from my last ex. Leave your purse mama cause I got checks Tonight gonna be about mental sex we hit up TGI Fridays take the scenic route forget the highways there's no such thing as my way it's about you my happy mother's day that was real good thank you that was for me Rudy did you like it? can you clap for me rude? thank you rude You feel better? No Why not? You don't feel any better? Don't you feel better now? Because I don't know Honestly, I think my mood stems from I don't know What's really what? I don't know Because the country is like Opening up You're scared? No, it's not just that It's's like, but we're kind of not in LA.
No, we are kind of. Kind of.
Stuff's kind of starting to get open. But is it too, you know, we don't know if it's too soon.
I don't know who to believe right now. You guys got like, guys like Eddie Bravo and Tripoli, you know what I mean? Like, this is, you know, government control.
Right, there was a documentary called Plandemic. Did you see it? Yeah.
Yeah. About Fauci? Yeah.
And then you have. It got debunked.
Somebody said that woman was uncredible. Yeah.
Generally it is, but. Who knows? Who knows? I don't know anything.
You don't know why I'm not a scientist, but the thing is, is that. But we do know that coronavirus is still out there, prevalent.
It's not as if, like, cases are going down. Right? We thought that, you know, we're locked down because cases.
You know, it's like, you're one of those friends friends You're one of those friends Where you constantly ask

Why is he my friend?

Dude, it's my weekend

I want to have a couple of drinks

I haven't drank all week

Yeah, go ahead

Go ahead

Yeah

Is this hard for you, really?

No

It's just a little bit. Is this hard for you, really?

No.

It's just that I was trying to... I'm not trying to be disrespectful and have a drink in front of you.

I understand that, but I was like...

You don't ever care when I have a drink in front of you.

I don't give a fuck, but I was making a point.

The way you drink is so dramatic.

It was a little distracting.

I apologize. Yeah, it's just like...
ah, I ate them in the whole... I apologize, I apologize.
Yeah, yeah. Okay.
Are you going to drive home? What? You're driving home because your car was out there. You bet.
Yeah, okay. No, that's it.
I'm not going to have any more. I wanted one little shot.
So anyway, back to my point yeah yeah it is that um i just i don't know you know when like you know tomorrow like i was invited to spade david spade and david spade's house yeah and and i'm like i don't want to go you know i mean so when is it okay to go why do you think it's not okay to go because i i still have this thing is like I don't want to go. So when is it okay to go? Why do you think it's not okay to go? Because I still have this thing especially Theo Vaughn.
Where have you been? The country? Where have you been? Hey man, I've been out in the woods, man. Spade, he never leaves that house.
You don't trust Theo? I think Theo's taking care of himself just fine.

You do?

Of course.

What do you mean?

Theo's just as diligent as anybody.

Do you think all the comics have been taking care of themselves?

No.

I would say the majority of them aren't giving a fuck.

I think a lot of people don't give a fuck.

Like who doesn't give a fuck?

I took to Andrew Schultz on my podcast the other day.

He literally says he doesn't care at all.

He's not wearing a mask.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He doesn't give a fuck.

But he's a young man. So what's the difference? Who out here, I think, doesn't give a fuck? D'Elia.
D'Elia pretends like he cares. Yeah.
But he doesn't at all. He was out at Coffee Bean drinking.
He brought his own coffee to Coffee Bean the other day. He was just drinking out front.
Yeah, I see a lot of photos of him at coffee. He loves coffee.
Just hanging out. He loves coffee.
He loves coffee. He loves coffee.
Get over it. Yeah, it's been around for a long time.
It's not a big thing. It's not that big fucking deal.
It's like loving water. No, I think a lot of – some people don't care.
I don't know. Look, we're going to get back to it.
Golf courses and parks are going to be open this weekend. Wow.
You know, but – I mean, at some point – I don't know. Look.
Here's my thing. If you've been, if we let you go to a liquor store or to get cigarettes or whatever, and you just have to go one by one, right? Six feet apart, just like you do at any corner store.
Why can't we do that for all the businesses and just do that across the board? All the mom and pop shops should have been open the whole time. In my opinion, they should just be regulated.
You should say, you can't have more than this many people for this many square feet. How big is your store? It's 400 square feet.
Great. You can only have five people in there at once.
Everyone has to wait in line outside. But the problem with that is that in certain Qingchang countries like Korea, you can trust its citizens to follow the rules.
Mm-hmm.

But we have, as Americans, a different kind of freedom and liberty and bravado.

Yeah.

And you're going to have those guys like, fuck it.

I'm not wearing a mask.

But that was going to happen anyway.

That already was happening.

That's my point.

So it didn't – that doesn't matter.

Yeah.

So if that was going to happen, then why not just – and I saw what they do in Shanghai

Disney.

They're going to open up Shanghai Disney.

And everyone gets temperature checked when you go in.

And then you have to have proof that you weren't around an infectious country or region.

You have to have travel proof if you go to Shanghai Disney.

So that's what they're going to do to open up.

Disneyland in Asia sounds crazy to me. $30 million a day they were losing.
$30 million a day. How come none of those ching chongs have eaten Mickey Mouse yet? Because he's protected.
He's protected. Donald a duck is not though.
Donald a duck a day. Donald a duck I gotta eat a fuzz.
He got eaten first. I think, look, I think'm going to obey the rules until they say that they think it's the most safe.
That's all you can. That's it.
But for you want to go over to spades and spades house and hang out with him and Theo that I think when people do that, that's up to the person that's on you. Then you gotta, then you gotta judge the, I'm not ready yet.
No. Yeah.
That's what I'm not ready. That's it.
If you're not ready, don't do it. You're ready to come here with me.
Because you hear things like, it's going to get worse in the fall. Yeah.
When it's mixed in with the flu, September, October, November, it's going to get worse. Maybe.
Yeah. And then when that happens, here's my thing.
Here's what I need. Let me say this.
Go ahead. Let me say this.
Yeah. This is not comedy fodder, by the way.
This is not comedy at all. 90% of the stuff we do is a joke on here, okay? Yeah, but sometimes we can be serious.
Sometimes. But for the most part, I don't mean any of it.
You don't look like Margaret Cho, okay? You don't look, I take that back. Thank you.
But you look a little bit. Yeah.
You look a little bit like Ken Jeong, but you don't look like Margaret. That fucking, hey! okay i'll say this do i think it's real yeah it's scary it's fucked up but there then there's a piece of me that goes well what can i do i can only protect myself so much i have to still live there's 40 million residents in the state of california 4-0 40 million right we've had about 2200 deaths that's an extremely low number of people that died it's a big state yeah 40 million, right? We've had about 2,200 deaths.
That's an extremely low number of people that died. It's a big state.
Yeah. 40 million people, dude.
2,200 deaths. Yeah.
I'm not saying it's bullshit. I'm just saying that's really low.
And at some point, what do you want me to do? What can I do? So I'm not saying I don't want to live in fear. I'm not storm fucking manhattan beach town hall but i am going i'm gonna do things as safely as i can it's a difficult thing you're saying it's difficult it's like you know we've been coming here the whole time together i know 2200 people is a low number obviously in comparison to 40 million i don't discount their but i know but my purse in my personal life you know i don't want my mother to get sick.
Right, that's the problem. No, no, that's what I'm saying.
I'm just saying the number is low enough where I feel a little bit less scared than I used to. I go, okay, we're going to manage it.
I'm going to do my best. I'm going to be safe, stay safe, do the right things, but like, cooping up in my house forever, I can't do that.

I mean, I just got to be safe.

We can't go around a lot of big crowds of people.

And dude, we got an offer the other day, you and I, to do a tour together again.

They want to do dates again.

We were going to do dates.

We got canceled.

Well, they never even got put up.

Where do you want to do them?

No, no, no.

There's a bunch of offers.

Where?

Well, I don't want to talk about it because I don't want people to get hope that it's we're not going to be able to go why'd you bring it up just to rub it in yeah so we but we are going to do dates no we are going to do dates together they did offer us and Rudy Rudy's coming when she can you're going to come right yeah dude can we take off that take off your left sandal real fast your left one and show it to that camera. That's your camera.
Show it to the camera. Yeah.
Is she okay? Show the camera your sandal. Show it.
Show it. Look at that thing.
I know. Give her some money, Bob.
No, no, no. That's not what it is.
Her fucking Filipino monkey feet. Her Filipino monkey feet only...
They can only wear those. Oh.
Right. Those are specific for...
You know know what I mean They're made for her feet The ones that Truly haven't evolved That still have monkey features Right Right So those are made out of Bamboo And eucalyptus Is that true Ruth? Eucalyptus bamboo Julio bit it So Yeah Wait what did she say? I can't even understand her half the time Because she's speaking a different fucking monkey language What did you say?

Mulio made it?

Julio

Julio who?

Who's Julio?

The dog chewed

Oh the dog chewed it

Yeah

Well whose fault is that?

Julio's

Did you leave it out for him to chew?

Okay

Well it's your fault

It's your fault

If it's at chew level it's gonna get chewed

That's how I feel around my house

If something is low it's at chew level

That's not the dog's fault

Right? That's his territory Yeah What's that show that you're watching? Get closer to the fucking mic. Normal People.
Normal People. Have you heard about this? Is it good? It's like, here's why they like it.
Kalilah and Jules like it because you can see the pimples on their face, and you can see their dicks and balls. You can see their dicks and balls? What is this on? And it's real.
What are you watching? Do I need to come over there? It's like real and it's like, you know, very visceral. It's like pimples? Pimples on their penises? Is that what you said? On the penis they have pimples? On the face.
Wait a minute, why do they show their penises? What show is this? Is it cheap? They don't have makeup artists? Wait, why do you see their penis? Is it union? I don't like that you see their genitals. Why? Is that sex stuff? Yeah, sex stuff.
Do you see vagina? Yeah. Yuck.
The lips? Yuck. No, just the hair.
Yuck! I only like penises. Yum, yum, yum.
I only like looking at penises online and on movies and stuff. Yeah.
Apparently, it's a show on Hulu. It's called Normal People.
What's it about? It's based on a book. Rudy, tell us what it's about.
I'll tell you what it is. The gist of it is, I think, it's about young Irish love.
Ooh, I'm in. Right? And it's a, I don't know much about it But I think it's a girl

Who's not that popular

Right?

Just back me up

Is it based in Ireland?

Yeah

Irish love

Oh, young Irish love

And then

Oh, Kathleen

The popular guy in town

Right?

Likes

Ryan O'Houlihan?

Yeah

What's his name?

The actor or

No, no

Yeah, well the character's name

Connell

Connell?

Connell

Oh, Connell

And who's he in love with?

What's the girl's name?

Marianne

What is it?

Thank you. The actor or No no Yeah well the character's name Connell Connell Connell Oh Connell And who's he in love with What's the girl's name Marianne What is it Marianne Marianne Connell and Marianne And then So the popular guy Connell Connell He makes love to Marianne Oh he's Yeah Oh good god I hope the lord doesn't hear that And then what happens They keep a secret.
They have to because they're Catholic, aren't they? No, because the boy doesn't like anyone to know. Because she's ugly.
Because she's a four. From what I've seen, she's pretty cute.
So why does he keep it a secret? Because a lot of students in high school doesn't like her. Oh, she's not popular.
You don't want to fuck a loser. Yeah, because she doesn't use fucking anything for her acne on her fucking face.
Idiot. Wait, so it's a high school show? Yeah, but then you also see them in college.
Huh, this is too much time jump for me. And they fuck hard? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Shut the fuck up, Rudy.
They fuck hard or what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Gross.
That's gross. I don't like stuff like that.
Speaking of shows that I'm annoyed with right now, I'm pissed off at 90 Day Fiance because you did it on Tiger Belly with Mayo Head Ed. Don't call him that.
He's a new friend of mine. Mayo Head Ed? Yeah.
I can't call him Mayo Head Ed. He is a Mayo Head.
I understand that. He's Mayo Head Ed.
But can I tell you what pissed me off about it? He's not your fucking friend either. Can I tell you what pissed me off about it? He didn't even know he was doing Tiger Belly.
He comes on because I guess he was doing some sort of press junket. Yeah.
Right? So he's doing just a serious. So then when he saw me, he knew, right, that he's the one that he called.
He said that I. Who set it up? The press person? What's the network? TLC? TLC.
Oh, so he didn't even know? No. So you could hear the first – the publicist going, this is Margaret from TLC.
So Ed is – I don't know where he is, but he'll be on in a second. I don't like this.
He's taking a break. So then when he sees me, he remembers that he told – Kalilah's too good for you.
Kalilah's too good for me. So then he was almost in shock like, oh my god!

It's you!

I didn't like it. Yeah, and you listened to it?

Yeah, I didn't like it. I watched it.
I thought it was

Here's why I didn't like it. Why?

It was too hard

I don't buy this guy, by the way.

I don't buy him.

I think this is all a big game for him.

I don't think he was never in love with Rose. I think it's a bit.
I think all that's exactly what it was yeah he's an actor it's a bit yeah and by the way I don't like it I like when it's not a bit I like when those guys on reality shows the guy that went to Serbia like seven years of dating that girl or wherever she was I love that guy that guy's my favorite the guy lives in Vegas David he's like she'll be there this time the guy answered the door he's like no one you're going to leave here looking like this i loved it so fucking much yeah i just think i don't i don't like when i find out that these guys look if you're going to be an actor on a reality show as long as it's kind of publicized that way like uh the hills or um uh uh um what was the jersey shore jersey shore like they all kind of wanted to be in entertainment. So I'm fine with it.
But so did Big Ed. Big Ed, I think secretly always.
Big Ed was a phony. I know, but he always, I think, wanted to get famous.
That's why I don't like it. That's why I think it's bullshit.
And so he lies. Yeah.
And he goes this route. I don't like it.
Right? Cheap. It's cheap.
Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap. Did you see what drove me crazy is I looked at Cameo on Instagram.
Yeah, you looked up his Cameos. Yeah.
Yeah, I did too. Elvis.
Mm-hmm. Do you see that? Yeah.
Yeah. And you can tell that he – but I didn't tell him this when we interviewed him, but I wanted to say is listen to me, Ed.
You know what that is? Yeah. only half it's only oh yeah yeah yeah 15 is right there yeah yeah 15 yeah that's it and it's um just milk it milk it milk it milk it because it's going how much money did he get on cameo for his um do you know how much they were no let's find out how much big head ed is on cameo it just upset me because i thought it was it wasn't as good as it could have been.
The whole thing, I was like, this is not...

I wanted him to be real.

I wanted him to be in love with that Rose chick, you know?

Yeah, but you know, you have to admit that he was entertaining on the show.

Only because she didn't like him at all.

Yeah.

Now that we know his intentions, it makes him unlikable. Well, here right here let's see what rose charges rose charges 54 dollars from 90 days fancy season four i'm asking you all for a cameo and i want i want to hear you greetings and personalize and click to my accounts and take care and I have a wonderful day.
Love you all. So I love, oh, and you're the roosters.
I like her a lot. You know, let's hire Rosemary.
Let's buy a, right? I'll buy her for more than that. I like her a lot.
Let's buy and just have her send a video to us. So here's what she's doing right now.
Yeah. To Brian, Jonathan, Justin, and Journey, best mom, Jennifer, hi, this is me, Rose, how are you? She needs subtitles.
Let's do one where it's like, Bobby, Andrew, you guys are getting married. Okay, we will.
And you guys haven't had sex yet. Okay.
Let's hire Rose. Yeah, we'll hire Rose.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I like her.
Yeah. And where's Mayo Head Ed? What is that fucking goon charge? I'm just being mean to him for some reason because I thought it was disingenuous.
Look it. There he is.
Oh, he thinks he's hot. He's got someone drum.
$100. $100.
You make my day. Let me make yours, okay? Let me send out a shout out to anybody you want.

Um, I'm having a lot of fun with this.

It's been a crazy ride.

It's going to get a lot crazier.

It's about to be over.

But again,

much love,

much appreciation.

And,

uh,

yeah,

let's have some fun.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So I don't hate,

I don't hate the guy.

I just think the way that I just didn't like the interaction on,

on tiger belly at all.

Yeah.

And I think the fans would say the same.

It wasn't as good as I want. It was no, there was no, There was nothing that I could fucking do, man.
It wasn't your fault. I'll tell you why.
Because the TLC publicist there was like, I want to push this, but I can't. You could have.
Because what's the worst that's going to happen? That they pull it? Yeah. You still have it on your side.
Yeah. But there was some weird thing where I wanted him to like me.
Why? I don't know why. He doesn't like you.
He doesn't like you. I know he doesn't.
He doesn't. I can tell.
I can tell. He doesn't respect me.
You don't respect him. I don't.
But that's the balance. Yeah.
He doesn't respect you because you don't respect him at all. Right.
He knows that. So he goes into that.
And by the way, that's why he talked shit. Yeah.
That's why he talked shit.

How do we do the Rose thing?

You want to buy her right now?

Let's buy her right now.

Okay, let's do it.

Rosemary Vega.

Yeah.

Okay, book now for $54.

Can we give her, okay, to?

To who?

To Bobby and Andrew?

To Bobby and Andrew.

And just say from Rudy.

From Rudy.

Yeah. From Rudy.
What's the occasion? The occasion. Wedding, right? Wedding.
Wedding. Yeah.
Okay. And what was this? So something like congratulations.
Should I spell it wrong on purpose? Yeah. Congratul Andrew.
To Andrew and Bobby. You guys finally gonna...
It's okay that gay marriage isn't legal in... Where are we? Where's gay marriage illegal in? What states? Huh? Let's just say Bosnia.
In Bosnia.

Yeah.

It's okay that gay marriage is illegal in Bosnia.

Yeah.

Because your love is more powerful than the law.

Or barbore offense.

Then.

Make her say something difficult.

Then.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Your love is more powerful than bureaucratic systems.

I can't spell bureaucratic.

It's okay.

I don't know how to spell it.

There it is.

Bureaucratic systems.

Yeah.

And.

Yeah.

Unfathomable.

That's a very difficult word.

Unfathomable.

Unfathomable.

Yeah.

Stringent. Stringent.
Unfathomable. That's a very difficult word.
Unfathomable heights. Stringent.

Stringent. Unfathomable, stringent.
Stringent heights. Heights.
You both will prevail gloriously. and

one day

you're

a dop Gloriously And One day Your Adoption Of a Lithuanian baby Will come true Can you say it? Can you read that? Yeah Read that there You can do it Even Yeah. Here, read that there.
You can do it. Just try.
Here, look on the TV right there. Even if you fuck up.
Okay, so say that, because this is what it's going to sound like from Rose. Okay.
Congrats to Andrew and Bobby. Sad game.
Hey, hey, play up the accent, will you? Will you fucking get involved here, Rudy? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Congrats to Andrew and Bobby.
Sad gay marriage isn't legal in Bosnia because your love is more powerful than bureaucratic systems and unfassumable stringent heights. You will prevail gloriously and one day adoption of Lithuanian baby will come true.
Why don't we even need to pay Rose? That was really good. That was better than probably how Rose would do it.
We're going to book this. I can't put in my email and all that stuff now.
This is what we're going to book and next week we'll play the video from Rose. Oh, I can't wait.
I think that's going to be so fun. Yeah.
Look, I think the interview wasn't anybody's fault. I just think I was disappointed.
I was disappointed. I wanted to be able to – honestly, I wanted to – Yeah, I mean in retrospect, I regret – I don't think that I prepared properly.
I think I was too nervous or I think that publicist threw me off. And I apologize to the fans.
I should have drilled them more and I – No, there's nothing you can do. When a publicist get involved it gets a little like uh too too um too professional i mean there's there's shit going on like this next monday we're doing you know the david spade movie yeah so the publicist for that movie looks so funny by the way yeah i'm dead serious that's the one that remember the one line that i had oh yeah that was that yeah that was that? Yeah, it's just that movie.
That movie looks so funny, man.

The concept is so good.

Yeah, yeah.

Tell people what the concept is.

I didn't, I didn't.

You don't know what the movie's about at all?

I didn't, no.

Seriously?

I have no idea what was going on.

David Spade essentially is in this movie where he thinks he's texting one girl, invites her on a second date to Hawaii.

And instead gets this other idiot from his past in his phone who has the exact same name.

It's Lauren Lapkus, right?

Isn't it Lapkus?

Yeah, Lapkus.

Thank you. invites her on a second date to Hawaii and instead gets this other idiot from his past in his phone who has the exact same name.
It's Lauren Lapkus, right? Isn't it Lapkus? And she shows up instead of this hot other chick that he thinks it is, this like supermodel. And Lapkus shows up and she's like the girl from hell and she's crazy and da da da.
But of course it ends up turning out that she's just as good, if not better than the original thing but but but honestly but honestly i saw that concept and i go so fun so current i hope it's really funny yeah because sometimes i see comedy movies now and i go well that concept doesn't even look good this concept looks hilarious you invite the wrong idiot on vacation yeah well well first it. First of all, when I was there, I was just like...

One line, huh?

Yeah.

Well, Spade called me and goes, you have one line.

I told you this.

Did I tell you what happened?

Yeah, we talked about it.

Yeah.

But I just can't believe one line.

They didn't let you bang out anything else?

No, one line.

What was the line?

Welcome to some hotel.

That's getting cut.

Yeah.

If I was the editor, I'd be like...

I know.

And then also then... And then they're like, hey, can you have Lorne Lapkus and Nick Swartzen on your podcast? They're coming Monday.
Together? Yeah. No, that's good.
But you've had... Yeah, but I'm just saying now...
You've had Nick on the show before. No.
Never? Nick's never done the show? Never. Have you had Nick? Yeah, after Nick got sober, he came on my show and and we talked about what happened to him.
In great depth, actually. Yeah, great.
And emotional depth. Like, he, you know, he kind of got the— Nick is a guy who's always been fun to party with, but as a child of addiction or around addiction, I know when people were too much.
Yeah, Swartzen was one of those ones that I always had in my prayers, to be honest with you. I just wanted him to be okay.
First of all, ever since I've been in comedy, he's always been the nicest, coolest guy to me. He's the shit.
You'd be at the improv, and he'd sneak up behind you and go, hey, you want to fuck? You know what I mean? He's like one of those guys.

And you go, yeah, you want to fuck now?

You know what I mean? And you would. And you would keep going.
We would simulate it in front of everybody. He's exactly my type of guy.
He's super fun. Super fun.
He used to have this – every year he had this birthday party at a roller skating rink, right? And it was the greatest party in human history because he would wear leotard and pink wings, right? Schwartzen always committed to things. I mean, he still always commits.
And then one night, you know what happened and why he canceled it, right? So he would have this gigantic birthday party and he would charge five bucks, whatever, And he would put this five bucks, all the money into this tin kind of can or thing. And at three in the morning, he was walking to his car and some man put out a shotgun, stuck it to his face and took the money.
It wasn't a shotgun. I had a handgun.
I had a handgun. Very funny.
Yeah, no. Yeah, I heard a variation of that.
I made some of it. Yeah, you made some of it up.
I was filling out the... I make things up.
But it was still good. I lie a lot.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
What do you lie about the most? Everything. Really? Yeah.
I think my whole life is a lie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think you've found a very happy medium. I think that I...
Medium? Yeah. Medium.
Medium? Medium means medium, right? Here's what I do. I embellish stories.
So let's say, suppose, like, I'm walking down the street and a homeless man bumps me.

Hey, well, heads up, heads up, man.

That story will then turn into he pulled his penis out, pissed on my leg, right?

I try to run.

He tripped me.

And then he shit on my leg or whatever.

It's always something.

It's exacerbated.

Do you do that?

Of course.

Comedians, because in our mind, and then sometimes.

But then it's a life based on lies. No, I'll do that if I'm telling a story on stage.
That's what I'm referring to. But if it's like— No, I say that in front of a friend of mine.
No, that doesn't make sense to me. That's insane.
I do it all the time. No, if that was a story— Most of my bits have come from a place where they become hyperbolized or grown into these bigger bits where like this happened and then look.
You don't like when you're on a podcast, you don't embellish stories. No, yeah, but for the most part, they're really true.
Like maybe I'll say. Yeah, they're based on truth.
Yeah, but yours is that's more than sensationalism to be like I bumped into a homeless guy versus he pulled out his dick. He pissed on me.
You know what I mean? He opened his butthole up and pulled out a little, like an American flag. Yeah, I need help.
No, you don't need help. I do, I do.
I can't. No, because that's not a way I want to, I don't want to be that guy.
It's okay to make those bits on stage. To embellish bits for the sake of comedy.
That's, dude, this is a comedy show. It's fun.
Yeah, sometimes I'm at like a Zoom AA meeting. Oh, that you should.
No, i'll be like people are sharing deep shit and i'm like i have nothing to say right right so then they'll go my turn i go hi i'm bobby and it's like oh my god life is so hard oh my god see and then um yeah so then my uncle used to like beat me and stuff you just make up stuff like that because the guy before me just fucking his whole family died. So what? Why can't you just be like, hey, that sucks about the family thing.
I'm in good shape. Yeah, because I saw that at an A meeting once where it was so funny.
It was so funny. I laughed out loud.
Yeah. So it was one of those A meetings.
I shouldn't have. Ah, fuck it.
Where everyone shares, right? And you have to share. And so one guy was like, literally was like, so my cancer came back and my doctor is giving me, you know, six weeks, you know, or whatever, right? So sad.
And then literally, the next guy was, hey, I'm Tom. I sold the script.
I sold it, guys. Did you clap? That's a good.
Yeah, I know. And it was just the disregard.
Yeah. You know, because if I was the guy, I was like, oh, I'm sorry, man.
You know what I mean? Yeah, but that's great. Yeah, but this is me in the meat.
You know. Did you talk to him afterwards? No.
You could have got a line in that. I know.
I should have said. Yeah, but what do you say to a guy who has cancer? I don't know what to say.
Well, I think that's the point of that guy saying I sold a script. Okay.
You be the guy. You tell me that you had cancer, and I'm a guy in the meeting, and I'm next.
Okay. Yeah.

Hi, I'm Brady, alcoholic.

Hey, Brady.

So, guys, you know, my cancer, I went to the doctor.

My cancer's back.

Oh, Brady.

And you know that I'm a single father of six children, and I don't know what I'm going to do about my kids. And I think I'm going to die.
That's my share. Thank you.
Damn. Damn.
My wife and I just got the pressure cooker we ordered yesterday and I got to tell you it cooks good meals. No, you shouldn't.
There's nothing you can do besides you have to move to move forward. You have to move forward.
Okay, can I share something with you here? Let's do this. I want to...
Andres, we haven't used a note in a long time, and you know he's a little upset about it. He wants us to call him Andres because he...
I guess I think he misses us a little bit. You know? So we have to call Andres because he I guess I think he misses us a little bit you know so we have to call Andres because he wants to do a little video for us let me do it on FaceTime here okay so today today today today's Bob Marley's death day he died today on this very day and because of that Andreas is a massive

our Fancy B, Andreas, our house resident Fancy B

is a massive Bob Marley fan and he

he wants to do a tribute

he wants to sing a song?

he wants to do a Bob Marley tribute

oh I like Three Little Birds, can he sing that?

I can ask, hi sweetheart

hey

como estas ustedes?

como estas? como estas ustedes? Como estas?

Como estas ustedes?

Good, I can't hear him on my phone.

I don't know why he's not in the headphones.

Hold on one second, sweetheart.

Okay, hey, hello.

Now we hear you.

Okay.

Good, you hear him now, right?

Bob, in your headphones?

Yeah, I can hear him now.

So, it's Bob Marley's birthday.

I'm sorry, it's Bob Marley's death day.

Right. You love Bob marley why i love bob marley yeah um well he's just an inspiration for all of us you know we are all down we just play some music and smoke some weed and we feel all better wow i didn't know you were such a big weed smoker yeah really are you high right now yes i needed uh a couple you know poofs to do this a poof a couple of poofs yeah that's how they say it in spain they say poofs yeah you know i need to hit a couple of poofs can i have a poof of that you imagine if a bunch of guys are smoking weed can i have a poof of at that? Oh, I would light him on fire if somebody said that.
Excuse me. Yo, bro, you say poof, bro? Could I have a poof at that, please? No, fuck you, bro.
Come on, man. I need a poof.
So listen, you like smoking weed and listen to Bob. What are you going to do as a tribute for Bob Marley's death day? He died this very day.
I thought, you know, to sing a little bit of a song for him and for all of you. Like, probably my first and last performance ever.
No, no, no. We're going to have many more.
So Bobby likes the song Three Little Birds. Can you bring that up and sing Three Little Birds? What about I Shot the Sheriff? No, no, no, no.
I want you to sing a song that you didn't prepare. He prepared I Shot the Sheriff.
Yeah, you prepared I Shot the Sheriff.

Like last night in the show, he was like, I Shot the Sheriff.

Can we hear a little bit of I Shot the Sheriff for fun right now?

Yeah.

Let's hear a little bit.

Right.

Okay.

Is that ready?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I shot the sheriff.

But I didn't shoot no deputy. Oh, no.
I shot the sheriff. Love it.
But I didn't shoot no deputy. All around my hometown, they're trying to track me down.
They say to one, we're being guilty for the killing of a deputy. Very good.
Get right to the course again. For the life of a deputy.
Very good. But I say bam, bam, bam.
Oh, shit. That's real right there.

He's fucking dope.

That's dope right there. He's fucking dope.
That's dope right there. If I'm guilty, I will pay.
Andres! Rudy's clapping for you. All right.
Three little birds. Three little birds.
Will you bring up three little birds on your computer? I don't know with that one. He trying to what? He doesn't know that one.
That's the best part. That's the best part.
That's the best song he's ever written. Okay.
You know what my favorite song is? Which one? The Woman No Cry? No. No.
Which one? Redemption Song? Yeah. That's a good song.
I wish we could play some of it right now. I you know he died from bob marley died from um foot cancer aka the government right the fucking government killed him i know they did why did they say foot like they said melanoma skin cancer the foot chow killed bruce lee simon cowell the american idol guy no simon chow the old chinese he killed Bruce Lee and his son

Brandon

that's a fact

Brandon got shot

from a blank bullet

but it was a real bullet

Simon Chow

yeah

Simon Chow

did all that stuff

not Simon Chow

the British guy

from American Idol

not the X Factor guy

no bro

he was like Bruce Lee

you're not that good

no no

it was Simon Chow

the old Chinese producer

it was a guy

he didn't like

Enter the Dragon

all that shit

why didn't he like Bruce

there was something

I don't know. What are you, in the ocean? Yeah.
It looks like Echo Park has a helicopter going by. Wow.
Okay, go. Three Little Birds.
Let's hear Three Little Birds. Okay, can you guys give me a hand and tell me a little bit what the melody is like? This is the best.
You're a Bob Marley fan, you piece of shit. Come on, dude.
You're a huge Bob Marley fan. Let's hear it.
Okay. Don't worry about a thing.
Because every little thing is going to be all right. Perfect.
Singing, don't worry about a thing. It's not.
Because every little thing is going to be all right. That.
Sing it. Don't worry about a thing.
It's not.

Because every little thing is gonna be alright.

It's not. It's not.
This is good.

It's not. It's not even.
This is it.

It's not even close. Keep going, Andreas.

You're right there. Keep going, man.

Rise up in the

morning.

He doesn't know about fire. Smile with the rice and sun.

Yep. No.

Three little birds reach by my doorstep. Sweet song.
Okay. Okay, can I teach you the best way to learn this, to learn this song? The melody is like the ABCs.
So it's... So try that.
Try that. Don't worry about a thing.
Because every little thing is going to be all right. Up higher.
Oh, my God. Come on, come on.
That's right. Let him go.
Let him do it. Dead on.
Dead on. Okay.
Singing, don't worry about a thing. Every little thing's gonna be all right.
Yep, higher, higher, higher. All right.
That's it. Because every little thing is gonna be all right.
Perfect. Okay.
Very good. You're a huge fan.
I can tell. Told you.
Massive pothead, massive Bob Marley fan.

Yeah,

guys,

like,

this is the kind of guy.

What's all over your shirt?

Is that shipping instructions to get you back

to where you're from?

What the fuck is that?

No.

You know what it looks like?

Stigmata.

You know how,

like,

right?

Through the skin?

You know how,

like,

when somebody's possessed,

right,

they write a message

through the skin?

That's what it looks like.

Help me.

That looks like,

it looks like a bunch of, you know, this looks like the movie Memento, where he writes all those tattoos. What does that shirt really say? I can't, we can't read anything.
Something about love and color and life. Meanwhile, if that was on his walls in his bedroom, you'd have to call like the cops.
It's definitely a manifesto. Who makes that shirt? Is that a fancy shirt and we just don't know yeah it's uh it's a brand called desi wall from spain desi wall elegant european style yeah all right you know what yeah you know who that is desi wall no i've never heard of this designer before in my life yeah because we're real america yeah we're real american how much would that shirt cost are you are you just trying to fucking front on us is that an expensive shirt? No.
I've never heard of this designer before in my life. Yeah, because we're real Americans.
Yeah, we're real Americans. How much would that shirt cost? Are you just trying to fucking front on us? Is that an expensive shirt? No, just like normal retail.
Maybe a little pricier than your average Zara, but it's not like a huge, you know. Like how much? Like $40, $50, $60, $70, $80? Yeah, $50, $60.
$50, $60. Are we paying him? Do we pay him money? I don't want to.
Okay. I don't think we should.
Okay, good. Not anymore.
Not anymore. Not if you're wasting money.
Very good job. Very good job, dude.
Say happy Bob Marley death day. I'm sorry he passed away on this very day a long time ago.
I'm very sad, too. Well, yeah, when you texted me, you said, I'm a big Bob fan and I would like to sing a song.
Good job, Andre. It's Andre's.
Thank you, Bobby. Yeah.
Hey, why don't you say what you were going to say to Bobby? You told me you wanted to say something to him. Why don't you say it? Well, right.
Like, since last time we talked, you guys told me that I should practice a little bit my crowd work. And I wrote down here on my sticky note sticky note like be as mean as you possibly can uh alienate the audience and be really rude so i thought of like you know uh i i've been practicing on that so let me let me try give me give me 30 seconds he wants to do stand-up you know he wants to yes he asked me he texted me he said he'll be better than george i'll tell you that he said can i open for you on the road he wants to open for-up.
You know, he wants to do, he asked me, he texted me, he said, he'll be better than George, I'll tell you that right now. He said, can I open for you on the road? He wants to open for us.
What up, motherfuckers! Welcome! I hope you guys didn't have anything better to do than to come to the shitty ass club. Like we said in my country, the road just like the poo-poo.
Oh, I hope you guys get diarrhea from the chicken wings. But let's meet some of our audience members tonight.
Yeah, let's start with a lucky charm-looking motherfucker in the corner. Very good.
Lumps ahead. Where do you leave, Hermione? On howers or hooters? If there's a pot at the end of your rainbow, it's your spill with dundies and a welfare check.
That's good. No, no, but sorry, sorry.
I'm a huge fan. You're one of my comedy heroes.
Thank you for being here, Carrot Top. That's good.
It looks like you stopped going to the gym and went to the groomers instead. You look good with a little more weight.
Is it true that gingers have no talent? In your face. He did the mic slam.
Do me now. Oh, yeah me.
Do me now. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let's go to the Chinese guy in the back. Can I call you Ming? Oh, wow.
I've never seen an Asian with a mullet before. That looks like, you know, that haircut looks like it's all business in the front and a stretch up in the back.
Wow. Walking like Bill Ray Sagan in the back.
Wow.

Walking like Bill Ray Sagan

in the house.

He's coming up to sing his hits on

Hickey Breaky Egg Roll.

But no,

no, sir, you look like a

NASCAR driver that will get into

a lot of accidents.

How sweet!

That's really good. I've got a flame bumper car.
Well, that's all I got for you. Yeah.
It's so much better. So fucking funny.
That's now the tone. That's funny, dude.
That's his voice. By the way, you did a great job.
Those jokes that you roasted us for were really good. I think some of the top ones where they say that gingers don't have talent, so good.
So good. Good twist on souls.
Yeah. And the best one for this, the best one for this, the NASCAR that gets in a lot of accents.
Very good. Very funny, man.
Because you did the whole stereotype that we can't drive as well in there. Yeah.
It's real nice. No, I think actually it also applies literally to you because you are a dog shit driver.
Right. Don you have like a pre-use that is crash? yeah, see look at that, he's paying attention Andreas, honestly can you do that every week? probably not, but I'll try but have some for Rudy next week, okay bud? so good it's it's too nice yeah she is too nice but she's talked some shit about you she has tell him what you say about him tell him what you say tell him tell him what you call him uh kind yeah that's in your face dude you're right in your fucking yeah yeah all right all right right.
Okay. All right, Andres.
We love you. We'll see you later, bud.
Love you, guys. Thank you.
Bye. So good.
It's an improvement. Honestly? Yeah.
So good. Because the other shit...
You know, stand-up, it's about finding your voice. He found it.
Yeah. Before, it was like he didn't...
That political shit he was doing was not so bad. God, that was so funny.
But that was so funny. But this was very good.
The political stuff was really funny,, I think. I think he's a very funny dude.
I think that I can't wait for him to open for us when we're on the road. But isn't she going to go out too? Would you do stand-up in front of thousands of people, Rudy? I don't know.
Yeah, but what I want her to do is sell the merch. Merch, yeah.
We need merch.

Yeah.

Do you think this is weird?

I just literally yesterday released, well, last week,

released tickets for a date in October.

Don't you think October's fine?

Yeah.

I'm doing the Wilbur in Boston for the first time.

If any of our fans are in Boston, come see me.

I played there once.

Did you love it?

It was during a hurricane. So in that big theater, I had i had not lying this is not an exaggeration nine people oh my god why didn't you just not do the show i did it why would you just do why would you just say we have to cancel i would give back their money people did you get you didn't get paid no holy it was terrible and that's why i've never played there i don't i think they think't draw or something.
Of course you could. I know I could kill it there, but they – yeah, that's what happened.
Wow. So you're going to play the Wilbur.
That's great. You should save that date for us.
The Wilbur? Yeah. This was booked forever ago, and then I had to reschedule it.
All right. You and me? We would triple sell it out.
Yeah, but we're going to do a bunch of other venues. All right way, the thing about the Wilbur that's going to be incredible for me is I taped my half hour for Comedy Central across the street at the Royale Theater.
And at the same time that I was there, across the street was Fortune Feimster playing the Wilbur. Wow.
And I was like, damn, dude, she's fucking killing it. She's killing it.
She was killing it. And that's when I did my half hour.
I i think it was i'm almost positive she was there she was coming at least but dude i i just

it was that was thank you for being thank you for being a bad friend no yeah no thank you for being a bad friend.

Yeah.

Thank you.

We don't want to hear

fucking your

Wilbur... Thank you for being a bad friend.
Yeah.

Thank you.

We don't want to hear fucking your Wilbur Comedy Central story, okay?

Who gives a shit?

Oh, I shot my special there.

And then, you know what?

Fortune Feetzer was across the street.

It was great.

She's wonderful.

She's doing great.

Thank you for being a bad friend.

That's what happens when you end it. It's like, oh, playing Philadelphia once I have a story too I was playing Philadelphia once and then like Chappelle was across the street it was great thank you for being a bad friend you know it's like what the fuck oh yeah you gonna tell us that story let's write a script on it that's how exciting it is it's a new movie you show up you know in Boston right all the cameras are set up and all of a sudden you're doing the show and then fucking fortunes across the street and that's the climax of the movie it's gonna be great we could fucking get all kind Tom Hardy will be in it you know it's like why don't you learn how to play tell a story friend huh there's gotta be a point yeah so anyway when you did that when you fucking did that in my head i was like emergency emergency fucking you know what i you for being a friend, a bad friend.
Let's get the fuck out of here. You know, it's ridiculous.
And I know you had a lapse, a lapse in thought and judgment. And you thought, there's dead air here.
I'm going to throw out this fucking story that I think is a story, but it isn't. So I, you know, you're allowed to make mistakes, but that was a dumb story, and you're gonna get angry, you're gonna do what you'd usually do, right, and snap, and just throw something, or scream, or, but let's just let it go, and let's just end the fucking podcast.
Thank you for being a bad friend bad friend I think we should because if that's what your fucking instinct is right now fuck face we're trying to make this podcast a number one friend we might even have to cut that whole portion out what do you think pal oh yeah you're getting rageful and angry.

You don't know what to do.

Go within yourself, dude.

A life not self-examined

is a life not worth living.

All right, so just examine yourself.

You fucked up.

And let's end the podcast right now, okay?

The Mother Day song was strong.

Mother Day song?

Very good.

What?

What you gonna do?

Let's move on, dude.

Look in the camera.

Look in the camera.

Thank you for being...

If you don't do this,

we're gonna have a very big problem.

What? Go ahead. You thought that was a good story? You thought that was a good story? If I had that fucking BB gun right now, I would shoot you in the fucking eye, friend Alright, so let's What? Get it off your chest That's what I thought We good? Let's just end it I'm sorry, I'm sorry is that what you want to hear i'm so sorry i shouldn't have done that more yeah all right so i i i want to say that number one you're a good stand-up you're very good storyteller.
And that I would also have to say that I think you drive this podcast. I think you prepare.
You have bits that we do on the show. I come here not prepared.
I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to say. And I should put a lot more energy into doing this podcast.
And I'm going to say that you're the foundation of this thing. And the reason why it's a success is because of you.
And I want to say that you're the foundation of this thing and the reason why it's a success is because of you and I want to thank you. But that story was the worst story I've ever heard, that Comedy Central thing and it was so fucking dumb.
But other than that, you're the greatest. I'm sorry.
Thank you for being a bad friend. Can I say this? The point is, is that, um...
I'm cute as fuck, but my point is, is that... Yeah, but my point is, is that...
But my point is, is that... But my point is, is this, so...
But my point is, is this... But my point, though, is, is that...
My point is, is that... I don't even know.
That's the thing. The thing is, is that...
The thing is, is that... Because the thing is, is that.
The thing is, is that. The thing is, is that.
The thing is, is that.

The thing is, is that.

The thing is, is that.

The truth is, is that.

What enraged me is, is that.

But what's weird is, is that.

Not only that, is, is that.

Here's the thing, is, is that.

But my honest opinion is, is that.

And especially this, is, is that.

What I like about it, is, is that.

The honest truth is, is that.

But the problem is, is that.

But what they don't get, is, is that. So what I'm saying is, is that.
Is, is that. Is, is that.
Is, is that. Is, is that.
Is, is that. Is, is that, but the problem is that, but what they don't get is that.

So what I'm saying is that.

Is that.

Is that.

Is that.

Is that.

Is that.

Is that.

Is that.

Is that.

Is that.

Is that.

Is that.

Is that.

Is that.

I don't know what it is.

Is that.

Well, what it is is this is that, um, the deal is is this.

That.