Bad Friends Drinking Game

Speaker 1 Tito's handmade vodka is America's favorite vodka for a reason.

Speaker 1 From the first legal distillery in Texas, Tito's is six times distilled till it's just right and naturally gluten-free, making it a high-quality spirit that mixes with just about anything.

Speaker 1 From the smoothest martinis to the best Bloody Marys, Tito's is known for giving back, teaming up with nonprofits to serve its communities, and do good for dogs. Make your next cocktail with Tito's.

Speaker 1 Distilled and bottled by Fifth Generation Inc., Austin, Texas. 40% alcohol by volume.
Savor responsibly.

Speaker 1 You two are bad friends.

Speaker 2 Who are these two idiots?

Speaker 2 White dude and an Asian dude.

Speaker 2 You two are disgusting.

Speaker 2 We're bad friends. The game show is going to be great.

Speaker 2 Bro. What are you worried about? It's going to be fucking awesome.

Speaker 2 I read the reviews already. So they're so good.

Speaker 2 You did it.

Speaker 2 Yes, I did. Yeah, there's a bunch of reviews.
There's no reviews. Dude,

Speaker 2 Variety said it's the hottest new game show

Speaker 2 this side of the Mississippi. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They did. They did say that.
Because I've been Googling it, too.

Speaker 2 What has it been saying? Nothing. I mean, Deadline put

Speaker 2 a photo up and it cropped me and Ian Carmel off the sides. Yeah.
So it's just Keegan, Serena,

Speaker 2 Venus Williams, and Rob Grinkowski. Yeah.
Well, what are you going to do? You know? Drinking now? I just, I feel like I should have something just in case.

Speaker 2 If I'm in the mood, I'm not gonna have one unless I feel it. No, take a shot.
No, I'm not gonna, not unless I feel it. You know, I'm a new, I'm it's it's gotta be five months sober.

Speaker 2 Go ahead, tempt me. No, no, it's gotta be what you're doing.
No, what do you mean? Five months sober now. Tempt me.
You don't like drinking that much. Oh, I love it.
I'm a drinker, too.

Speaker 2 Do you not want me to do this in front of you? I know, I love it. I love living through you.
This is a level of control that I know you have.

Speaker 2 Come on, man. You can do this.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 The bad friends drinking game.

Speaker 2 Here's how you play.

Speaker 2 Every time Bobby Lee says... The thing is, is that...
The thing is, is that. Because the thing is that...
The thing is, is that... The thing is, is that...
The thing is, is that...

Speaker 2 The thing is, is that your thing is that... Have a drink.

Speaker 2 Must be legal drinking age to play. But whatever, dude.
We're not the fucking cops. Okay?

Speaker 2 So I have a hole in my tooth. Let me see.

Speaker 2 You want to see it? Yeah, I want to see your whole tooth. Alright, you gotta come closer.
I I can't do that. Well, then you're not going to see it.
Well, I'll just see it from there.

Speaker 2 Where, how far is it? Or which one is it? It's way back here. There's a black hole.
Oh,

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 2 Black hole tooth in my mouth.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And it's like, you know, one of those where you're like, it's fine. It's fine.
Yeah. It's fine.
It's fine. It's fine.
And at three in the morning, you hear, you wake up

Speaker 2 vibrating. It vibrates and almost

Speaker 2 and then spikes. Spike.
spike, and then you wake up and you go, fuck!

Speaker 2 And then, oh, it's gone. You're gonna make it, you can make an appointment, though, now.
My dentist said he's back next week. I said, I'm coming in just to say hi.
No, no, no. I might.
Um,

Speaker 2 I like, I like the pain a little bit, so I'm gonna wait a little bit. Yeah, you're a little sick, you're a sick fuck, yeah, you're a sick fuck.
You like pain.

Speaker 2 Well, I masturbate it when I so when it gets to me harder when it hurts the worst thing.

Speaker 2 I love it, but um, so the whole of my tooth, and then, um,

Speaker 2 there's a lot of fucking.

Speaker 2 And then

Speaker 2 the Chinese lady got her face kicked in. What Chinese lady got her face kicked in? Do you ever see that video? Did it just come out? Can I play you a video that I posted on the internet?

Speaker 2 First of all, let me talk about the Chinese lady.

Speaker 2 What's her name?

Speaker 2 Ching Chung Fat Fat. I don't know, man.
I love Ching Chung Fat Fat. Yeah, but Ching Chung Fat Fat, these two

Speaker 2 African American gentlemen. Uh-oh, you can say what you were going to say.
What were you going to say? Black eyes? Okay, there it is. And they kicked this Chinese lady in the face.
Is it on the news?

Speaker 2 Can you see it? No, it was on the internet. Let me play this for you.
Let me tell you.

Speaker 2 This is a throwback I posted again because,

Speaker 2 timing-wise, it's pretty great. Let me tell you.

Speaker 2 Who is this lady, though? You know what?

Speaker 2 Maybe I too could be ninja.

Speaker 2 I want to be ninja.

Speaker 2 I want to be ninja.

Speaker 2 I learned to champion hard. I fight with with credit card.

Speaker 2 I use my numb chops, even while feeding ducks. I throw my ninja star.

Speaker 2 Also very sad.

Speaker 2 Will you stop it? Look at this. Look at this Asian legend in the very front.

Speaker 2 First of all,

Speaker 2 this video came out a long time ago, but I saw it again. It might be

Speaker 2 okay. I want to let you like.
Let's just hear the chorus again. No, please don't turn.
It's gonna be a little bit more.

Speaker 2 everything

Speaker 2 like on the big screen. And you guys, you know what? I might do it.
I might be a ninja soon.

Speaker 2 I gonna be ninja.

Speaker 2 This Asian lady, how is she standing there through this? There's four minutes of this. All right, first of all, if I was that Asian lady.

Speaker 2 I gonna be ninja. Turn it off.

Speaker 2 Turn it off. Okay, it's off.
All right. If I was that Asian lady, I'd order.
I gonna chop, chop, chop, chow, down, take, chow, down, to Chinatown. I got a be me.
It makes me so. It makes me so sad.

Speaker 2 It's like the rudest shit I've ever heard in my life. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was going through my folders on my old on my phone. Because she doesn't realize how difficult.
It's so rude.

Speaker 2 How difficult it is to be a ninja. Yeah, the levels are insane.
She could never be ninja. Yeah, because there's different levels.
Number one, you have to be able to climb a tree.

Speaker 2 She can't climb a tree. There's no way.
There's no chance. Right.
Number one, two, you have to have enough

Speaker 2 breath stamina to fucking do the blow gun.

Speaker 2 Yeah. It's you got to have that.
She doesn't have any of that. She doesn't have that.
She has to be able to throw a star hard enough to puncture skin. Yeah.
Yeah. She can't do that.

Speaker 2 She's got to be sneaky as fuck. She's not sneaky at all.
Imagine her being a ninja. What's that white lady in the tree?

Speaker 2 There's a white lady in the tree. What do you mean? Look.

Speaker 2 That's a ninja. A ninja.
Yeah, yeah, ma'am. Please get down.
Yeah, she look at her skin, too. I practice every day.

Speaker 2 Ninjas go everywhere. Wait, ninjas wear sunscreen.
Ninjas. Always do good.

Speaker 2 I really wish I could. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 All right, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. You know what this reminds me of? Do you know who this is, by the way? Who is that?

Speaker 2 This is a girl that sells Murphy beds in Orange County.

Speaker 2 She did this as a promo to sell Murphy beds. You know what Murphy beds are? No.
The beds that go in the wall, the cabinet, the cabinet beds. You know, they pop out of the cabinets.

Speaker 2 Have you ever seen that? I don't know. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Old-time Murphy beds.
Yeah, that's what she's selling. She's like a, she opened a Murphy bed company.
This is like years ago. Yeah.

Speaker 2 But this is, she put this out for promo. Let's hear the chorus one more time.
No, no, no, I don't want to hear this. It's one of my favorite choruses.
But I must confess. I catch a flying pig

Speaker 2 with my top. Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 I take down anyone. Ha, this is getting fun.

Speaker 2 You guys, I think I almost a ninja. I almost a ninja.
She almost a ninja.

Speaker 2 I

Speaker 2 almost a ninja.

Speaker 2 I try to chomp, chop, chop, chow down. Take Chow down to Chinatown.

Speaker 2 Take Chow down to Chinatown.

Speaker 2 This is the most racist shit I've ever heard of my life, and it makes me laugh so hard. This poor Asian lady.
You know what's as hard as a ninja is being a Navy SEAL, right?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's the hardest thing in the world. So it's imagining a Chinese dude or a woman.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I want to be Navy SEAL.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? At a party. And I don't think it's that offensive.

Speaker 2 A Navy SEAL? Yeah. Well, if it was a Chinese.
Because Ninja is a cultural thing. Right, right.
So I think it's what the accent is what's offensive

Speaker 2 about it, too. It's very offensive.
It's really good. You know, I'll be honest with you.
I had a girlfriend once. Her name was Sarah, and she lived in Louisville.
I know who she is. Do you?

Speaker 2 I know her. She's a convict.
Yeah, she was, right? Or she is. Yeah, she still does it.
And

Speaker 2 I stayed at her. Did she want to be ninja? No, she stayed at her parents' house.
And she goes, so we're having a special dinner for you. This actually happened.
This is so good already.

Speaker 2 I already know what it is.

Speaker 2 No, you do? No, no, I mean,

Speaker 2 we're having a special dinner for you, but so you have to sit in the... I guess white people in the Midwest or in the South, they have basements.
Yeah, we love mace basements.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I've never been in a basement before. Well, there's a purpose for it.
We have those we have those in the Midwest for tornadoes and shit. We need to go down there.
All right, my bad.

Speaker 2 Also, extra square footage. It's really good.
So I'm in

Speaker 2 a basement. Mm-hmm.
And I was there for about 45 minutes. And she comes down, and Sarah's wearing kimono.

Speaker 2 And she goes, and it's

Speaker 2 mind you, there's 20 people there. Yeah.
Her grandparents on both sides. Yeah.
Uncles, aunts, right?

Speaker 2 So I go, what?

Speaker 2 Why are you wearing kimono? She said, you'll see.

Speaker 2 So we go upstairs. The whole place, right, has

Speaker 2 she put bamboo on the walls. Okay.

Speaker 2 There's

Speaker 2 like swords on the wall too, like samurai swords. I like it.
The grandmother, everyone, they wear the mascara, right? Chinese-eyed mascara. I walk into the fucking dining room.
They all,

Speaker 2 shut up. I swear to God.
they bowed to you oh yeah yeah what was that they said how to choose what how to choose yeah

Speaker 2 right and then she goes take your shirt off i go why you have to wear this shirt it's an extra small pokemon shirt

Speaker 2 so i put this extra small pokemon shirt on and it's like you know i mean super tight super i can bare i can barely breathe yeah and i'm sitting there and then everyone's wearing chopsticks but we're eating like um

Speaker 2 what white people eat um like roast turkey. We usually eat, oh, what do you mean? Oh, no, no Chinese food at all? No,

Speaker 2 they didn't even try to make Chinese food.

Speaker 2 I had to use, I remember using chopsticks to pick up stuffing,

Speaker 2 which is very difficult to do, by the way. Do you think her mom told, do you think that was a bit? She's funny, right? She was funny.
She's very funny. So everyone was laughing,

Speaker 2 having a good time. And I'm kind of laughing too, but deep down inside is this is the price you pay to get white pussy.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 If you want want was it worth it oh yeah if you're an asian dude and you want white pussy sometimes you have to take a take one for the team take one for the team yeah you got to take a one a photo team they were very funny funny family too one time we were horseback riding yeah it was in kentucky and we're in the woods and her dad just goes see that tree right there yeah i go yeah that's where we hang chinamen

Speaker 2 Were there any Chinese guys up there? No. Oh.
It's a joke. I know.
And you're riding long and you laugh.

Speaker 2 You go, this is the price you pay for white pussy. And he literally goes, that's where we hang Chinese people.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And everyone laughs.
They laughed? Oh, yeah, it's a joke. Yeah, sure.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it's a joke. Yeah, hanging Chinese people.
So I've had like a lot of those situations. But that's the price you pay.

Speaker 2 It's the price you pay for white pussy, yes. Damn, white pussy good, huh?

Speaker 2 No. No.
Because you get to the point. Well, because then you realize all pussy is the same.
Yeah, it is. Right?

Speaker 2 Like, if you eat white pussy, like if I closed my eyes, you know, I guess the pussy looks, the colorization is different.

Speaker 2 But if I closed my eyes and I looked black pussy, white pussy, and Asian pussy, I don't think I'd be like, hmm, that one tastes like wasabi or whatever.

Speaker 2 There's a difference.

Speaker 2 There's a difference. Wait, so if I, if we blindfolded you,

Speaker 2 all right, so we bought, we did a contest, right?

Speaker 2 And we have an Indian pussy in front of you.

Speaker 2 From someone, from someone from India? Yeah. And you licked it.
What would you taste?

Speaker 2 Yellow curry.

Speaker 2 Yeah, black pussy.

Speaker 2 Oh, wow. That's weird.
That's like, it's like.

Speaker 2 Do you have to lick it that much?

Speaker 2 Seven?

Speaker 2 Eight?

Speaker 2 You like it? Redheads love black pussy. It tastes like corner store potato chips for some reason.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. Yeah, okay, I guess you're right, yeah.
It's all the same. I can't believe we're actually talking about this in front of Rudy, by the way.
Yeah, Rudy, yeah. She's just terrible.

Speaker 2 She's over 18. I know, but I don't want to.
She shouldn't be in the room for that. We should kick her out for that stuff.
Rudy, did you like the I Wanna Be Ninja lady? Yeah. You did?

Speaker 2 Get closer to the fucking mic, Rudy. That's going to be a shirt, by the way.
Get closer to the fucking mic.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 Rudy, you don't find that to be offensive?

Speaker 4 It's offensive, but it's funny.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah. That's exactly.
Let me ask you something. If you were at that party, would you stay?

Speaker 2 Like, if you were that poor woman, that there's an Asian, there's one Asian woman they focus on right over her shoulder.

Speaker 2 If you, that was you, right? If that's Rudy, if we're looking at this video again, please don't play. If we're looking at this video, play it again.
No, we're looking at this video, right?

Speaker 2 If that's Rudy, there's Rudy right here. That's you.
That's Rudy.

Speaker 2 Obviously,

Speaker 2 look at the woman next to the Asian lady. Yeah, yeah, right here.
Right? Yeah. She's smiling, right? Yeah,

Speaker 2 they're all kind of smiling. The Asian lady is definitely not.
Do you know what she's thinking right there?

Speaker 2 I'm going to kill you.

Speaker 2 Look at the whole song, by the way, every frame. She's just holding her composure.
Yeah. Holding her composure.

Speaker 2 I can't believe she didn't hurt her. Yeah.
Why didn't she kill her? She's in every fucking shot. And look at this old rich white guy.

Speaker 2 I want you to be a ninja, too.

Speaker 2 You can be a ninja. I love you.

Speaker 2 Let me tell you something. You're a ninja girl.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow.
I know.

Speaker 2 Look at the big dude in the back.

Speaker 2 You're totally a ninja, man.

Speaker 2 I fucking love you.

Speaker 2 I love you, Jenny. I've never fucked a ninja before, but I'm going to fuck with another.
You're the best. And she's like,

Speaker 5 I'm on so much Xanax. I don't know where I am.

Speaker 2 Wow. These are all real people in Orange County.
This is very, this is very Orange County. Orange County is

Speaker 2 look at this fucking morons outfit. I know.
Dude, these people loved it. They all want to be ninja.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm gonna be ninja.

Speaker 2 Damn, dude. Damn, dude.
You know what it is, by the way? You know what it is?

Speaker 2 That's just like a ton. That's just people that have only that kind of white people have only been around only white people.
So this isn't a big deal to them.

Speaker 2 I'm telling you. I'll tell you why.
I grew up in Orange County. They never left.
I'll tell you why that's true. You know, because you grew up around San Diego.

Speaker 2 I'll tell you why that's true because in any other area in the country,

Speaker 2 obviously, you don't just

Speaker 2 tell somebody. somebody.
Yeah. You always, you call somebody to go, hey, hey, Sally,

Speaker 2 I'm doing that ninja song.

Speaker 2 Right? It's like, yeah,

Speaker 2 finally. Yeah.
Only in Orange County. In any other society, it's like, no, dude.
Don't do that song. Don't do that fucking song.
You're going to do that song? Because Sally Chang's going to be there.

Speaker 2 And she goes, yeah, but she gets it. Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's cool. She gets it.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So, like, if I, like, you know how you and I have talked about how when we make, you know, a joke, like we want to do a tweet about a black person, we always

Speaker 2 call four or five other dudes, comics. We always make sure we call other people for information.

Speaker 2 Like I have Mexican things I want to say. Yeah.
There's Johnny Sanchez. There's certain guys that I like call.
Hey dude, is it right

Speaker 2 to call you guys free joles or whatever it might be? You know what I mean? He's like, yeah, dude, it's fine, bro.

Speaker 2 It's cool, man. Yeah.
But it's only cool because you know them.

Speaker 2 So this woman doesn't really know any Asian people or have any Asian friends. Yeah.
This is just her. This is a joke between her and her friends, and it's the funniest thing they've ever said.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 She's like, I'm going to be. She's canceled or no, probably not, right? This was years ago.

Speaker 2 It was just, I found it in my videos on my phone when I was deleting stuff, transferring to my phone from my computer. And I was like, what is this video?

Speaker 2 And I clicked on it and I remember, I was like, oh my God. This was before people got canceled.
It's like five years ago. Yeah.
God, it's so funny. It makes me laugh so fucking hard.
It is so unaware.

Speaker 2 When you're on the road, because you, for me,

Speaker 2 I have to travel to certain places in the country. You've been there as well.
Yeah, we do. They do the same thing.
Your experience in Nashville is probably different than my experience.

Speaker 2 Yeah. First of all, I don't sell tickets there.
You don't sell tickets at all in Nashville?

Speaker 2 Wow. The last time I was there, I did half rooms.
No way. Yeah, man.
Zane's? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah, I remember leaving going, oh, they'll never have me back. Fuck, I love that club.
I know you do. But that's your different experience.
Right.

Speaker 2 You know, for me, it's like afterwards, it's like

Speaker 2 you have white dudes come up to you and go, Mystery.

Speaker 2 Very, very, very funny.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And then you go, and then you have to laugh.
That sounds just like you.

Speaker 2 Rudy, don't laugh.

Speaker 2 Rudy, don't fucking laugh. So here's what I would say.
I know that's got to be annoying. We've talked about it in the past.
What I think you should do is you should address it on stage.

Speaker 2 You should say that. You should go, if any of you fucking idiots come up to me and do a bad Asian accent afterwards, I'm going to spit in your mouth.
I'm going to spit right in your face.

Speaker 2 I think you should make jokes about it, about how annoying it is when people do it. Then it'll wake people up a little bit to it.

Speaker 2 You don't think so? My tooth. Oh, your two teeth hurts? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Spike, spike.

Speaker 2 I'm hard. I'm hard.

Speaker 2 I'm hard again.

Speaker 2 There we go.

Speaker 2 Do you have any cavities?

Speaker 2 Cavities? Cavities. Yeah, I have a mouth filled with them.
How many cavities have you had? Seven or nine. I don't know.

Speaker 2 Have you ever had a root canal? Two. Yeah.
Not only did I have a root canal, I had a cap.

Speaker 2 I had to redo it.

Speaker 2 Another dentist had to take it out, redo it. It was so fucking bad.
Kalila has never, my girlfriend has never had a calfs. It's so annoying.

Speaker 2 Because she brushes. No, that's not why.
I brush, and I don't even like sweets that much. It's genetics.
It's genetics, dude. I'm telling you.
I talked to to a dentist one time.

Speaker 2 I said, why do I keep getting cavities when I was in my teens? I was like, why? And he goes, dude, it's just genetics. He said, your mom has a lot of cavities? Weak genetics.
Teeth genetics. Weak.

Speaker 2 Teeth genetics. Teeth weak.

Speaker 2 Weak teeth. Weak teeth genetics.
Fine, weak teeth genetics. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 WTGs. Weak teeth genetics.
That's what I mean. But it's a weakness.
No.

Speaker 2 It is.

Speaker 2 By the end of our life, our teeth are all going to come out anyway. Right.
Everyone has shitty teeth. At the end of it, everyone has shitty teeth.
Yeah, because when I was, because I have no teeth.

Speaker 2 I have maybe, I'm not even kidding. I have nine, maybe eight to nine teeth in my mouth.
Okay, you've seen it. Yeah, it's insane.
It's insane. I mean, I'm going to start losing more.

Speaker 2 Like, my teeth are so fucked up. Right.
So then, when I said, well, can you do the thing where they drill the,

Speaker 2 you know what I mean? They drill the screw into your bone down here and then screw in.

Speaker 2 He goes, you have weak gums.

Speaker 2 They're that bad? Yeah, your gums are weak, bro. So you can't even get, even if you want it.
Well,

Speaker 2 I think maybe they've strengthened over time.

Speaker 2 What's it called? Veneers. You can't get get veneers, can you? Yeah, I'm trying to get them.

Speaker 2 But all of you want all across? Because sometimes they look so bad.

Speaker 2 No, I like it. I like it when they look like that.
Really? Like the mask?

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that.
Is that what you want? Yeah, remember when Pablo Francisco had like crack teeth? Yeah. And then

Speaker 2 sometimes they look so bad. Look, look at how stupid that looks.

Speaker 2 Sometimes they look stupid.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Like Joe Coy has that.
It just looks like this looks way more fun.

Speaker 2 What, the one above? Yeah, this one above, at least she looks like she parties. Yeah, yeah.
She looks like she parties. You can't, this girl, this girl you can't take to bed.

Speaker 2 This girl you could take out to the shed. Yeah, you can't.
That shed tooth.

Speaker 2 This girl, you got to have another house. You got to have.
Yeah, but the one above, right?

Speaker 2 If you wanted to punt beat her up a little bit, the teeth go real quick. This one, it's some work on the bottom.
Well, because these are solid, huh? Yeah. You can smack around a little bit.

Speaker 2 You can smack around a little bit before, you know what I mean, anyone notices, you know. Rudy, do do you have nice teeth? Smile.
Let me see your teeth. Yeah, you have nice teeth.

Speaker 2 She's 12 years old. Of course, she has.
They're like baby. They just grew in.
What does that mean? Most young kids have bad teeth unless they got braces. Did you have braces? No.

Speaker 2 That's what are you talking about? Oh. Did you have braces? Yeah.
You did? Yeah, we had money. Oh, okay.

Speaker 2 We have money growing up. I mean, I had braces, but at this point, they're all jagged now.
They're white, though. They're nice.
And I have chips in them now. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, I just got an email from a company saying they're going to send us teeth whiteners. Should we use them? Of course.

Speaker 2 You want to do that? I'm afraid of that. The thing about teeth whiteners is because sometimes I'll go and get white strips.
I can't use those. Right.
When you put them on, they hurt.

Speaker 2 They're so sensitive. And afterwards.
And I'm real weird about that my teeth things because I've had so much trouble with my teeth. What else are you weak on, your body?

Speaker 2 Chime. You know, when I was younger,

Speaker 2 I was terrible at banking. I was abused.
So bad.

Speaker 2 Overdraft charges. Yeah, I just didn't know how to handle my money.
I didn't know how to manage it. And also no one was there to help.
But Chime understands that every dollar counts.

Speaker 2 That's why when you set up direct deposit through QIIME, you get access to fee-free features like overdraft coverage, getting paid up to two days early with direct deposit, and much more, which definitely would have helped me when I was doing my PA jobs back in the day.

Speaker 2 Also, with qualifying direct deposits, you are eligible for free overdraft up to $200 or debit card purchases and cash withdrawal. You can learn more about it at chime.com slash bad friend.

Speaker 2 To date, Chime has spotted members over $30 billion, right? You need a little bit of help. You need a little money quicker than normal because something pops up.
It always does.

Speaker 2 You open up a check-in account with zero monthly fees and no maintenance fees, and you got access to over 47,000 fee-free ATMs. That's more than the top three national banks combined.

Speaker 2 All those ATMs are there for you to use, and don't get clipped. You got to try QIIME.
Work on your financial goals through Chime today.

Speaker 2 Open an account in two minutes at chime.com/slash bad friends. That's chime.com/slash bad friends.
Chime. Feel like progress.

Speaker 6 Chime is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services and debit card provided by the Bank Corporate Bank NA or Stride Bank NA.
Members of FDIC.

Speaker 6 Spot me eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Timing depends on submission of payment file.
Fees apply at out of network ATMs, bank ranking, and number of ATMs, according to U.S.

Speaker 6 News and World Report 2023. Chime checking account required.

Speaker 2 Hydro. I caught it.
You? They gave me one. I got one at the house.
I love it so very much. It's incredible.
And I'm rowing in the morning and it wakes me up and gets me juiced. Well, what is it?

Speaker 2 What is it? Hydro is your ultimate go-to for ultimate full-body workout.

Speaker 2 How ultimate is it? You may ask. It works 86% of your muscles, arms, legs, and core, twice as efficient as cycling or running.
Just 20 minutes, all it takes takes to feel the results.

Speaker 2 And this is true. I do it for 15 to 20 minutes in the morning, and I feel so good for the rest of the day.
People have seen traditional old rowers. The old ways are gone.

Speaker 2 Hydro's newest rower, the Hydro Arc, delivers such powerful results. GQ Magazine named it the best rower of 2025, and I agree.
You've convinced me I'm getting a hydro today. We should get you one.

Speaker 2 Head over to hydro.com and use code Bad Friends to save up to $600 off on a hydro rower during this holiday season. That's hydro, h-y-d-r-o-w.com.
Code of course is bad friends to save up to $600.

Speaker 2 Hydro.com, code is bad friends.

Speaker 1 Chronic spontaneous urticaria or chronic hives with no known cause. It's so unpredictable.

Speaker 2 It's like playing pinball.

Speaker 1 Itchy red bumps start on my arm, then my back,

Speaker 1 sometimes my legs. Hives come out of nowhere,

Speaker 1 and it comes and goes. But I just found out about a treatment option at treatmyhives.com.
Take that, chronic hives. Learn more at treatmyhives.com.

Speaker 2 Well, I called you. You called me the other day about my migraines.
Yeah, that's pretty weak. You went blind in your eye, huh? I went blind.

Speaker 2 You just go blind in your eye, huh? I go blind in one eye. I have ocular minds.
That's a weakness. I have ocular migraines.
Right. So you have weak teeth.
You have a weak eye. No, it's not my eye.

Speaker 2 It's my brain. Weak brain.
Well, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You've got, is there like um sibling fucking in your past

Speaker 2 like through your history a couple years ago oh in the oh in the past past is your mom and your dad are they brothers and sisters or something they're cousins yeah they're cousins are they really yeah yeah bob my parents my fucking parents are cousins yeah it wouldn't surprise me man because i'll tell you right now it wouldn't surprise me if your family was cousins too you guys all look the same at least we look different you guys are carbon copies You must there's no way.

Speaker 2 There's no way Koreans aren't from incest. You all look the same.
Identical. That's That's so fucking racist.
True, so true.

Speaker 2 I don't look anything like my mom. You look exactly like your mother.
Do you know why? Huh? Because you're... Listen,

Speaker 2 growing up, when people said that Asians, people look alike. No, no, not Asians.
Koreans.

Speaker 2 Japanese, they look different. I see a lot of different Japanese guys.
Koreans?

Speaker 2 Same. Really? Same.
So if you say... When I go down Wilshire, I just go, same guy, same guy, same guy, same guy, same guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. The whole time.

Speaker 2 So you're saying to me right now that right now, if I, if John Cho was sitting here, you wouldn't think that I'd go, hey, Bob, good to see you. And we'd start the podcast and I'd finish it with him.

Speaker 2 Margaret Cho. Same thing.
I'd go, hey, what's up, Bob? What's up, Bob? You're dumb. What's up, Bob? No, no, no.
All the same. You and Redheads are the same.
You look just like Margaret Cho.

Speaker 2 You look exactly like Margaret Cho. You don't think you look like Margaret Cho? Dude, I'm telling you right now.
Tell me right now.

Speaker 2 I'm going to have to stop right now because you just put me in such a rage. Shut up.

Speaker 2 Margaret Cho. Let's see what she looks like.
I guarantee you, that's you.

Speaker 2 That's not you.

Speaker 2 That is you.

Speaker 2 Rudy's laughing. That looks just like, doesn't that laugh?

Speaker 2 Does it, Rudy? Rudy, that looks just like.

Speaker 2 Margaret is a friend of ours. I know.
You were the one that brought it up. You guys look alike.
No, we don't. Yeah, you do.

Speaker 2 You're acting fucking. Look at that, Bob right there.
Are you ready to, let's switch topics?

Speaker 2 Get Marwin off the fucking screen. Let's switch topics.
Rudy loves it. No, Rudy.
Stop laughing, Rudy. Rudy, laugh, laugh, laugh.
Yeah, yeah. It's Mother's Day, by the way.

Speaker 2 Did you wish your mommy happy birthday? Happy Mother's Day? Happy Mother's Day, right? Yeah. Yesterday.
Yesterday was Mother's Day. Oh, that's right.
Yesterday was Mother's Day.

Speaker 2 So we put together a little video. Some of the fans sent in Mother's Day pictures.
We really appreciate it.

Speaker 2 We want to say thank you for that. Where's your

Speaker 2 sister? Where's your.

Speaker 2 Yeah, go ahead. Yeah, you fucking piece of shit.
Don't talk shit about my mom. The hovel is what I like to call her.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so this is a lot of the fans sent in pictures of their mom, and we put together a little something for Mother's Day. Let's enjoy it.

Speaker 2 Is it our pictures of our moms?

Speaker 2 It's our fans' moms. Our fans' moms.
Oh, that's great. Let's see.
Let's see. Let's see.
Don't make fun of them, by the way.

Speaker 2 Yay. This is no way.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Beautiful women across the world.

Speaker 2 Listen to the song. You know it.

Speaker 2 Go ahead, girl.

Speaker 2 I want to take your mama out for date night.

Speaker 2 Make her feel all right.

Speaker 2 Give her conversation till the daylight. Cause she is so damn tight.

Speaker 2 I pick your mama up in a Ford Flex that I borrowed from my last ex.

Speaker 2 Leave your purse, mama, cause I got checks. Tonight gonna be about mental sex.

Speaker 2 We hit up TGI Fridays. Take the scenic route, forget the highways.
There's no such thing as my way.

Speaker 2 It's about you, mama, you my baby.

Speaker 2 When dinner's done, take your ass straight home. Walk you to the front door so you're not alone.
Kiss your hand and say thanks for the love you've shown. Get back in my car and then I'm gone.

Speaker 2 Show you respect like the queen you must be. You never stutter, always speaking directly.
You ever need me, mama, you just text me. Until then, you stay so damn sexy.

Speaker 2 Happy Happy Mother's Day, mama. Happy Mother's Day, mamas.
Wow.

Speaker 2 You would have been better if we'd done that video, but you lip-synced it.

Speaker 2 That

Speaker 2 lip-sync what? Because at first, when we were playing the video, I thought, Andrew's singing this live.

Speaker 2 What a talent.

Speaker 2 I don't remember the lyrics. I wrote them when I was a little bit.
Let's try it. Let's just try one real quick.

Speaker 2 By the way, by the way, I do want to say this seriously. Some of the fans sent in, a lot of fans sent in pictures of moms.
Beautiful mothers. And some of the fans' mothers passed away.
And

Speaker 2 some of these these photos are of moms that are not with us anymore, which I just want to say we appreciate.

Speaker 2 You know, Bob knows about a loss of a parent, so it's cool that people included their moms that were gone. It was a big deal.
I thought that was very nice. I thought that was very nice.

Speaker 2 That's why the song is not disrespectful. It's very respectful.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Asshole.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Happy Mother's Day, mamas.

Speaker 2 Beautiful women across the world.

Speaker 2 It's your day. You know it.

Speaker 2 Go ahead, girl.

Speaker 2 I want to take your mama out for date night.

Speaker 2 Make her feel alright. Give her conversation till the daylight.
Cause she is so damn tight.

Speaker 2 I pick your mama up in the Ford Flex. That I borrowed from my last ex.

Speaker 2 Leave your purse, mama, cause I got checks. Tonight, gonna be about mental sex.

Speaker 2 We hit up TGI Fridays. Take the scenic route, forget the highways.

Speaker 2 There's no such thing

Speaker 2 as my way. That's real good.
It's a bad thing. Happy Mother's Day.
Happy Mother's Day. That was real good.
Thank you. That was from me.
Rudy, did you like it? Oh, God. Can you clap for me, Rude?

Speaker 2 Thank you, Rude.

Speaker 2 You feel better? No. No? No, I feel better.
Why not?

Speaker 2 You don't feel any better? Don't you feel better now?

Speaker 2 Because I don't know. Honestly, I think my mood stems from, I don't know.

Speaker 2 What's really what? What? What? I don't know. Because, you know, the country is like

Speaker 2 opening up.

Speaker 2 You're scared? No, it's not just that. It's like, but we're kind of not

Speaker 2 in L.A.? No, we are kind of. Kind of.
Stuff's kind of starting to get open.

Speaker 2 We don't know if it's too soon. I don't know who to believe right now.

Speaker 2 You know,

Speaker 2 you guys got like guys like Eddie Bravo and Tripoli, you know, and they're like, this is, you know, government control. Right.
There was a documentary called Plandemic. Did you see it? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 About Fauci.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 And then you have. It got debunked.
Somebody said that woman was uncredible. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Generally it is. But

Speaker 2 who knows? Who knows? I don't know anything. Neither do I.
I'm not a scientist. But the thing is, is that

Speaker 2 we do know that coronavirus is still out there, prevalent. It's not as if

Speaker 2 cases are going down,

Speaker 2 right? We thought that you know, we're locked down because chick cases,

Speaker 2 you know, it's like

Speaker 2 you're one of those friends,

Speaker 2 you're one of those friends where you constantly ask

Speaker 2 why

Speaker 2 dude, it's my it's my weekend.

Speaker 2 It's my weekend. I want to have a couple of drinks.
I haven't drank all week.

Speaker 2 Yeah, go ahead.

Speaker 2 Is this hard for you, really? No. It's just that I was to talk discrete.
I was trying to. I'm not trying to be disrespectful.
I've a drink and folks. I understand that, but I was like.

Speaker 2 You don't ever care when I have a drink in front of me. I don't give a fuck, but I was making a point, and then you were...

Speaker 2 The way you drink is like so dramatic. I just had a little just it was a little distracting.
I apologize. Yeah, it's just like, ah, I ate him in the whole thing.
I apologize, I apologize.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Okay. Are you going to drive home? What? You're driving home because your car was out there.

Speaker 2 You bet.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay. No, that's it.
I'm not going to have any more.

Speaker 2 I wanted one little shot. Yeah.
So anyway, back to my point. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Is that

Speaker 2 I just, I don't know,

Speaker 2 you know,

Speaker 2 when

Speaker 2 like, you know, tomorrow, like, I was invited to Spade, David Spade.

Speaker 2 David Spade's house. Yeah.
And I'm like, I don't want to go. You know what I mean? So when is it okay to go?

Speaker 2 Why do you think it's not okay to go?

Speaker 2 Because I still have this thing. It's like, I don't know where, especially Theo Vaughan.

Speaker 2 Where have you been?

Speaker 2 The country? Where have you been? They men have been out in the woods, man. Yeah.

Speaker 2 You know, Spade, I can, you know, Spade, you know, he never leaves that house.

Speaker 2 You don't trust Theo? I think Theo's taking care of himself just fine.

Speaker 2 Of course. What do you mean? Theo's just as diligent as anybody.
Do you think all the comics have been taken care of themselves? No. I would say majority of them aren't given a fuck.

Speaker 2 I think a lot of people don't give a fuck. Like, who doesn't give a fuck?

Speaker 2 I talked to Andrew Schultz on my podcast the other day. He literally says he doesn't care at all.
He's not wearing a mask. Oh, yeah, yeah.
He doesn't give a fuck. He's a young man.

Speaker 2 So what's the difference? Who out here I think doesn't give a fuck?

Speaker 2 Dahlia.

Speaker 2 Dahlia pretends like he cares, but he doesn't at all.

Speaker 2 He was out at Coffee Bean drinking. He brought his own coffee to Coffee Bean the other day.
He was just drinking out front. Yeah, I see a lot of photos photos of him at coffee.
He loves coffee beef.

Speaker 2 Hanging out. Loves coffee.

Speaker 2 He loves coffee. Get over it.
Yeah, it's been around for a long time.

Speaker 2 It's not that big fucking

Speaker 2 water. No, I think a lot of some people don't care.
I don't know. Look, we're going to get back to it.
Golf courses and parks are going to be open this weekend. Wow.

Speaker 2 You know, but

Speaker 2 I mean, at some point, I don't know.

Speaker 2 Look,

Speaker 2 here's my thing.

Speaker 2 If you've been,

Speaker 2 if we let you go to a liquor store or to get cigarettes or whatever, and you just have to go one by one, right, six feet apart, just like you do at any corner store, why can't we do that for all the businesses and just do that across the board?

Speaker 2 All the mom and pop shops should have been open the whole time, in my opinion. They should just be regulated.
You should say you can't have more than this many people for this many square feet.

Speaker 2 How big is your store? It's 400 square feet. Great.
You can only have five people in there at once. Everyone has to wait in line outside.

Speaker 2 But the problem with that is that in certain Qing Chong countries like Korea,

Speaker 2 you can trust its citizens to follow the rules.

Speaker 2 But we have, as Americans, a different kind of freedom and liberty and bravado.

Speaker 2 And you're going to have those guys like, fuck it. I'm not working.
But that was going to happen anyway. That already was happening.
That's my point. So

Speaker 2 that doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 So if that was going to happen, then why not just... And I saw what they do in Shanghai, Disney.
They're going to open up Shanghai, Disney,

Speaker 2 and everyone gets temperature checked when you go in. And then you have to have proof that you weren't around

Speaker 2 an infectious country or region. You have to have travel proof if you go to Shanghai Disney.
So, that's what they're going to do to open up. Yeah,

Speaker 2 Disneyland in Asia sounds crazy to me. $30 million a day, they were losing.
$30 million a day.

Speaker 2 How come none of those ching chunks have eaten Mickey Mouse yet? Because he's protected.

Speaker 2 He's protected.

Speaker 2 Donald Aduck is not, though. Donald Deck is not.
Donald De Duck has got to eat a first.

Speaker 2 You got to eat him first.

Speaker 2 I think, look, I think

Speaker 2 I'm going to obey the rules until they say that they think it's the most safe. That's all you can, that's it.
But for you want to go over to

Speaker 2 Spades' house and hang out with him at Theo, I think when people do that, that's up to the person. That's on you.

Speaker 2 Then you got to judge the... I'm not ready yet.
No, yeah.

Speaker 2 I'm not ready yet. That's it.
If you're not ready, don't do it.

Speaker 2 You're ready to come here with me. Because you hear things like, it's going to get worse in the fall.
Yeah. When it's mixed in with the flu, September, October, November, it's going to get worse.

Speaker 2 Maybe. Yeah.
And then when that happens, here's my thing. Here's what I need.
Let me say this. Go ahead.
Go ahead. Let me say this.
Yeah. This is not comedy fodder, by the way.

Speaker 2 This is not comedy at all.

Speaker 2 Most 99% of the stuff we do is a joke on here, okay?

Speaker 2 Sometimes we can be serious. Sometimes.
But for the most part, I don't mean any of it. You don't look like Margaret Cho, okay? You don't look.
I take that back.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 But you look a little bit. Yeah.

Speaker 2 you look a little bit like ken jong but you don't look like margarita that fucking hey okay okay i'll say this do i think it's real yeah it's scary it's fucked up but there then there's a piece of me that goes well what can i do i can only protect myself so much i have to still live there's 40 million residents in the state of california 4-0 40 million right we've had about 2200 deaths That's an extremely low number of people that died.

Speaker 2 It's a big state. Yeah.
40 million people, dude. 2,200 deaths.
Yeah. I'm not saying it's bullshit.
I'm just saying that's really low. And at some point, what do you want me to do?

Speaker 2 What can I do?

Speaker 2 So I'm not saying I don't want to live in fear. I'm not storming fucking Manhattan Beach town hall, but I am going,

Speaker 2 I'm going to do things as safely as I can. It's a difficult thing, you're saying.
It's difficult. It's like, you know.
We've been coming here the whole time together.

Speaker 2 2,200 people is a low number, obviously, in comparison to 40 million. I I don't discount their budget.
But I know, but

Speaker 2 in my personal life,

Speaker 2 I don't want my mother to get sick. Right, that's the problem.
So that's the problem. No, no, that's what I'm saying.
I'm just saying the number is low enough where

Speaker 2 I feel a little bit less scared than I used to. I go, okay, we're going to manage it.

Speaker 2 I'm going to do my best. I'm going to be safe, stay safe, do the right things.
But like...

Speaker 2 Cooping up in my house forever,

Speaker 2 I can't do that. I mean,

Speaker 2 I just got to be safe. We can't go around a lot of big crowds of people.
And dude, we got an offer the other day, you and I, to do

Speaker 2 to do a

Speaker 2 tour together again.

Speaker 2 They want to do dates again. We were going to do dates.
We got canceled. Well, they never even got put up.

Speaker 2 Where do you want to do them? No, no, no. There's a bunch of offers.
Where, where?

Speaker 2 Well, I don't want to talk about it because I don't want people to get hope that it's going to, we're not going to be able to go. Well, then, why'd you bring it up? Just to rub it in.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 So we, but we are going to do dates together. No, we are going to do dates together.
They did offer us to

Speaker 2 do dates. Rudy is coming.
Rudy's coming. If you're going to Ken,

Speaker 2 you're going to come, right? Yeah. Yeah.
Dude, can we

Speaker 2 take off that? Take off your left sandal real fast. Your left one and show it to that camera.
That's your camera. Show it to the camera.
Yeah. Is she okay? Show the camera your sandal.

Speaker 2 Show it. Show it.
Look at that thing. I know.
Give her some money, Bob. No, no, no.
That's not what it is. Her fucking Filipino monkey feet.

Speaker 2 Her Filipino monkey feet only can only wear those. Oh.
Right. Those are specific for, you know what I mean? They're made for her feet.

Speaker 2 The ones that truly haven't evolved, that still have monkey features. Right.
Right. So those are made out of bamboo and eucalyptus.
Is that true, Ru? Eucalyptus bamboo. Julio bit it.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Wait, what did she say? I can't even understand her actually. But she did because she's speaking a different fucking monkey language.
What did you say? Julio made it? Julio. Julio who? Who's Julio?

Speaker 4 The dog chewed.

Speaker 2 Oh, the dog chewed it. Yeah.
Well, whose fault is that? Julio's. Did you leave it out for him to chew? Okay.
Well, it's your fault. It's your fault.
If it's at chew level, it's going to get chewed.

Speaker 2 That's how I feel around my house if something is low it's at chew level that's not the dog's fault right you're in that's in his territory yeah what's that show that you're watching um get closer to the fucking mic normal people normal people have you heard about this is it good

Speaker 2 it's like

Speaker 2 here's what that why they like it kalila and jules like it because you can see like you know you can see the pimples on their face and you can see their dicks and balls you can see their dicks and balls what is it what is this on and it's real what are you watching it's It's real.

Speaker 2 Do you want me to come over there?

Speaker 2 It's like real and it's like, you know, very visceral. It's like

Speaker 2 you pimples? Pimples on their penises? Is that what you said?

Speaker 2 On the penis? They have pimples?

Speaker 2 Wait a minute. Why do they show their penises? What shows?

Speaker 2 Is it cheap? They don't have makeup artists. Wait, why do you see their penis? I don't like that you see their penis, their genitals.
Why? Is that sex stuff? Yeah, sex. Do you see vagina? Yeah.
Yuck.

Speaker 2 The lips. Yuck.

Speaker 4 No, just the hair.

Speaker 2 Yuck.

Speaker 2 I only like penises.

Speaker 2 I only like looking at penises online and on movies and stuff. Yeah.
Apparently,

Speaker 2 it's a show on Hulu. It's called Normal People.
What's it about? It's based on a book.

Speaker 2 Rudy, tell us what it's about. I'll tell you what it is.
The gist of it is, I think, is it's about Irish, young Irish love. Ooh, I'm in.
Right?

Speaker 2 And it's a, I don't know much about it, but I think it's a girl who's not that popular, right? Just back me up. Is it based in Ireland? Yeah.
Irish love. Oh, young Irish love.
And then

Speaker 2 the popular guy in town, right, likes Ryan O'Hulihan?

Speaker 2 Yeah. What's his name?

Speaker 2 The actor? No, no, well, the character's name. Connell.
Connell? Connell. Oh, Connell.

Speaker 2 And who's he in love with? What's the girl's name? Marianne. What is it? Marianne.
Marianne!

Speaker 2 Connell and Marianne. And then, so the popular guy,

Speaker 2 Connell? Connell, he makes love to Marianne. Oh, he's...
Yeah. Oh, good good God.
I hope the Lord doesn't hear that. And then what happens?

Speaker 4 They keep it a secret.

Speaker 2 They have to, because they're Catholic, aren't they?

Speaker 4 No, because the boy doesn't like anyone to know.

Speaker 2 Because she's ugly.

Speaker 2 Because she's a four-year-old.

Speaker 2 From what I've seen, she's pretty cute. Yeah.
So why does he keep it a secret?

Speaker 4 Because a lot of students in high school doesn't like her.

Speaker 2 Oh, she's not popular.

Speaker 2 You don't want to fuck a loser. Yeah, because she doesn't use fucking anything for her acting on her fucking face.
Idiot. Wait, so it's a high school.
It's a high school show.

Speaker 4 Yeah, but then you also see them in college.

Speaker 2 This is too much. Time jump for me.
And they fuck. They fuck hard.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Speaker 2 Hey, Rudy. Shut the fuck up, Rudy.
They fuck hard? Fuck. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Gross.
That's gross. I don't like stuff like that.

Speaker 2 Speaking of shows that I'm annoyed with right now, I'm pissed off at 90 Day Fiancé because you did it on Tiger Belly

Speaker 2 with Mayo Head Ed. Don't call him that.
He's a new friend of mine. Mayo Head Ed? Yeah.
I can't call him Mayo Head Ed. He is a Mayo Head.
I understand that. He's Mayohead Ed.

Speaker 2 But can I tell you what pissed me off about it? He's not your fucking friend. Can I tell you what pissed me off about it?

Speaker 2 He didn't even know he was doing Tiger Belly. He comes on because I guess he was doing some sort of press junket.
Yeah. Right? So he's doing just a series.

Speaker 2 So then when he saw me, he knew, right, that he's the one he called. He said that I.
Who set it up?

Speaker 2 What's up? The press person? What's the network? TLC? TLC. Oh, so he didn't even know? No.
So

Speaker 2 you can hear the first, the publicist going, this is Margaret from TLC. So Ed is, I don't know where he is, but he'll be on in a second, you know? I don't like it.
Taking a break.

Speaker 2 So then when he sees me,

Speaker 2 he remembers that he told

Speaker 2 me he's too good. Kalila's too good for me.
So that he was just like almost in shock, like, oh my God.

Speaker 2 It's you. I didn't like it.
Yeah, and you listened to it. Yeah, I didn't like it.
Yeah. I watched it.
I thought it was... Here's why I didn't like it.
Why?

Speaker 2 It was too hard. I don't buy this guy, by the way.

Speaker 2 I don't buy him.

Speaker 2 I think this is all a big game for him. I don't think he was never in love with Rose.
I think it's a bit. I think it's all bit.
That's exactly what it was. Yeah, he's an actor.
It's a bit. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And by the way, I don't like it. I like when it's not a bit.
I like when those guys on reality shows, the guy that went to Serbia, like nine, like seven years of dating that girl or wherever she was.

Speaker 2 I love that guy. That guy's my favorite.
He lives in Vegas. David.
He's like, she'll be there, this guy. Yeah, yeah.
The guy answered the door. He's like, no one you ever live here looking like this.

Speaker 2 I loved it so fucking much. Yeah.
I just think I don't like when I find out that these guys. Look, if you're going to be an actor on a reality show,

Speaker 2 as long as it's kind of publicized that way, like The Hills or

Speaker 2 what was the

Speaker 2 Jersey Shore. Like, they all kind of wanted to be in entertainment.
So I'm fine with it.

Speaker 2 But so did Big Ed. Big Ed, I think, Big Ed was a funny.
I know, but he always, I think, wanted to get famous. That's why I don't like it.
That's why I think it's bullshit.

Speaker 2 And so he lies and he goes this this route. I don't like it.
Right? Cheap. It's cheap.
Cheap, cheap, cheap, cheap.

Speaker 2 What drove me crazy is I looked at Cameo on Instagram. Yeah, we looked at, you looked up his cameos.
Yeah. Yeah, I did too.
Elvis. Do you see that? Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 And you can tell that he,

Speaker 2 but I didn't tell him this when we interviewed him, but I wanted to say is, listen to me, Ed.

Speaker 2 You know what that is? Yeah. Stop there.
It's only halfway. It's only one quarter.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 15 is right there.
Yeah, 15. That's it.
And it's just milk it.

Speaker 2 Milk it, milk it, milk it, milk it. Because it's going.
How much money did he get on cameo for his. Do you know how much they were? No.
Let's find out how much Big Head Ed is on Cameo.

Speaker 2 It just upset me because I thought it wasn't as good as it could have been. The whole thing, I was like, this is not.

Speaker 2 It just, I just, I wanted him to be real. I wanted him to be in love with that Roche chick, you know? Yeah, but you know, I have to, you have to admit, though, he was entertaining on the show.

Speaker 2 Only because she didn't like him at

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Now that we know his intentions, it makes him unlikable. Well, here's Rose right here.
Let's see what Rose charges. Rose charges $54.

Speaker 7 From Lady Day's Fiancé season 4, I'm asking you all for

Speaker 7 Kameyo, and

Speaker 2 I want to hear you.

Speaker 7 Greetings and personalize and click to my accounts. And

Speaker 7 take care, and

Speaker 7 I have a wonderful day. Love you all.

Speaker 2 So I love, oh, and you hear the rosemary.

Speaker 2 I like her a lot. Let's hire Rosemary.
Let's buy a

Speaker 2 right. I'll buy her for more than that.
I like her a lot. Let's buy a and just have her send a video to us.
So here's what she's doing right now. Yeah.

Speaker 7 To Brian, Jonathan, Justine, and Journey, best mom, Jennifer.

Speaker 2 Hi, this me, Rose.

Speaker 7 How are you?

Speaker 2 Me together. She needs subtle.
Let's do one word. It's like, Bobby, Andrew, you guys are getting married.

Speaker 2 Haven't had sex yet.

Speaker 2 Let's hire her up. We'll hire her.

Speaker 2 Because I like her.

Speaker 2 And where's Mayo Head Ed? What is that fucking goon charge? I'm just being mean to him for some reason because I thought it was disingenuous. Look at it.
Oh, he thinks he's hot.

Speaker 2 He's got someone drawing him. $100.

Speaker 2 $100.

Speaker 2 You make my day. Let me make yours, okay?

Speaker 2 Let me send out a shout out to anybody you want.

Speaker 2 I'm having a lot of fun with this. It's been a crazy ride.

Speaker 3 It's going to get a lot crazier.

Speaker 2 It's about to be over. But again, much love, much appreciation.
And

Speaker 2 let's have some fun.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't hate the guy. I just think the way, I just didn't like the interaction on Tiger Belly at all.
Yeah. And I think the fans would say the same.
It wasn't as good as I want.

Speaker 2 There was no.

Speaker 2 There was nothing that I could fucking do, man. It wasn't your fault.
I'll tell you why, because the TLC publishes there. It's like, I want to push this.
But I can't.

Speaker 2 You could have, because what's the worst that's going to happen?

Speaker 2 Did they pull it? Yeah. You still have it on your side yeah

Speaker 2 but there was some weird thing where i wanted him to like me why i don't know why he doesn't like you he doesn't like i know he doesn't he doesn't i can tell i can tell he doesn't respect me you don't respect him i don't

Speaker 2 but that's the balance yeah he doesn't respect you because you don't respect him at all right he knows that so he goes into there that's why he and by the way that's why he talked shit yeah that's that's why he talks shit how do we now how do we do the rose thing we're gonna buy you want to buy her right now let's buy right now okay let's do it.

Speaker 2 So, Rosemary Vega. Yeah.
Okay, book now for $54.

Speaker 2 Can we give her okay to

Speaker 2 who? To Bobby and Andrew? To Bobby and Andrew.

Speaker 2 And just say from Rudy. From Rudy.

Speaker 2 Yeah. From Rudy.
What's the occasion? The occasion. Wedding, right? Wedding.
Wedding.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Okay.
And what was this?

Speaker 2 So since they're like,

Speaker 2 congratulations.

Speaker 2 Should Should I spell it wrong on purpose? Yeah

Speaker 2 congrat

Speaker 2 to you lations

Speaker 2 to Andrew to Andrew and Bobby Bobby

Speaker 2 you guys finally gonna

Speaker 2 it's okay yeah that gay marriage isn't legal in

Speaker 2 where are we where's gay marriage illegal in what state

Speaker 2 huh say bosnia in bosnia

Speaker 2 yeah it's okay that gay marriage isn't illegal in bosnia yeah because you because

Speaker 2 your love

Speaker 2 is more powerful than the law or barbed wire offense.

Speaker 2 Make it say something difficult. Then, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Your love is more powerful than bureaucratic

Speaker 2 systems. Systems.

Speaker 2 I can't spell bureaucratic. That's okay.
I don't know how to spell it. There it is.
Bureaucratic systems. Yeah.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 unfathomable.

Speaker 2 That's a very difficult word. Unfathomable

Speaker 2 heights. Stringent.
Stringent. Unfathomable.
Stringent. Stringent.

Speaker 2 Stringent heights. Heights.

Speaker 2 You

Speaker 2 both will prevail. Prevail.
Gloriously.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 one day

Speaker 2 your

Speaker 2 adoption

Speaker 2 of a

Speaker 2 Lithuanian baby will come true. Yeah.

Speaker 3 At blinds.com, it's not just about window treatments. It's about you, your style, your space, your way.

Speaker 3 Whether you DIY or want the pros to handle it all, you'll have the confidence of knowing it's done right.

Speaker 3 From free expert design help to our 100% satisfaction guarantee, everything we do is made to fit your life and your windows.

Speaker 3 Because at blinds.com, the only thing we treat better than windows is is you. Black Friday deals are going on all month long.

Speaker 3 Save up to 45% off site-wide, plus an additional 10% off every order right now at Blinds.com.

Speaker 2 Rules and restrictions apply.

Speaker 8 This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game?

Speaker 8 Well, with the name Your Price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it at progressive.com.

Speaker 8 Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law.
Not available in all states.

Speaker 2 Here, you, can you say it? Can you read that? Yeah, read it. Off the thing? Yeah.
Can you read that there? You can read it. You can do it.
Just read it. Here, look, look on the TV radio.

Speaker 2 I'm going to give you fuck up. Okay, so say that because this is what it's going to sound like from Rose.
Okay.

Speaker 4 Congrats to Andrew and Bobby. Sad gay marriage.

Speaker 2 Hey, hey, play up the accent, will you?

Speaker 2 Will you fucking get involved here, Rudy? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 Congrats to Andrew and Bobby. Sad gay marriage isn't legal in Bosnia because your love is more powerful than

Speaker 2 bureaucratic systems and unfas fathomable

Speaker 4 stringent heights. You will prevail

Speaker 4 gloriously and one day adoption of

Speaker 4 Lithuanian baby will come true.

Speaker 2 Yeah, why do we even need to pay Rose? That was really good. That was better than probably one of Rose.
We're going to book this.

Speaker 2 I can't put in my email and all that stuff now. This is what we're going to book and next week week we'll play the video from Rose.
Oh, I can't wait. I think that's going to be so fun.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Look,

Speaker 2 I think the interview wasn't anybody's fault. I just think I was disappointed.
I was disappointed. I wanted to be able to.

Speaker 2 Honestly, I wanted to.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 2 I mean, in retrospect, I regret. I don't think that I prepared properly.
I think I was too nervous.

Speaker 2 I think that publicist threw me off. And I apologize to the fans.

Speaker 2 I should have drilled them more.

Speaker 2 Nah, there's nothing you can do. When a publicist gets involved, it gets a little like too

Speaker 2 professional. Yeah, I mean, there's shit going on.
Like, this next Monday, we're doing,

Speaker 2 you know, the David Spade movie? Yeah. So the publicists for...
That movie looks so funny, by the way. Yeah.
I'm dead serious. That's the one that...
Remember the one line that I had? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 That was that? Yeah, that's that movie. That movie looks so funny, man.

Speaker 2 The concept is so good. Yeah, yeah.
Tell people what the concept is. I didn't read it.
I didn't. You don't know what the movie's about at all? I didn't, no.
Seriously?

Speaker 2 I have have no idea what was going on. David Spade essentially is in this movie where

Speaker 2 he thinks he's texting one girl, invites her

Speaker 2 on a second date to Hawaii, and instead gets this other idiot from his past in his phone who has the exact same name. It's Lauren Lapkis, right? Isn't it Lapkis?

Speaker 2 And she shows up instead of this hot other chick that he thinks it is, this supermodel.

Speaker 2 And Lapkis shows up and she's like the girl from hell and she's crazy and da-da-da. But of course, it ends up turning out that, you know,

Speaker 2 she's just as good, if not better, than the original.

Speaker 2 But honestly, shh, the f ⁇ .

Speaker 2 But honestly, I saw that concept and I go, so fun, so current. I hope it's really funny.
Yeah. Because sometimes I see comedy movies now and I go, well, that concept doesn't even look good.

Speaker 2 This concept looks hilarious. You invite the wrong idiot on vacation? Yeah.
Well, what about it? First of all, when I was there, I was just like, um... One line, huh?

Speaker 2 Yeah, it was I well Spade called me goes you have one line. I told you this.
Did I tell you what happened? Yeah, we talked about it. Yeah, But I just can't believe one line.

Speaker 2 They didn't let you bang out anything else. No, one line.
What was the line? Welcome to some hotel. That's getting cut.

Speaker 2 Yeah. If I was the editor, I'd be like,

Speaker 2 I know. And then also then, and then they're like, hey, can you have Lauren Lapkus and Nick Swartzen on your podcast? So they're coming Monday.
Together? Yeah. No, that's good.
But you've had.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but I'm just saying now. You've had Nick on the show before.
No. Never? Nick's never done the show? Never.

Speaker 2 Have you had Nick? Yeah, after Nick got sober, he came on my show

Speaker 2 and we talked about what happened to him in great depth, actually.

Speaker 2 Yeah, great. And an emotional depth.
Like he, you know, he kind of got to

Speaker 2 Nick is a guy who's always been fun to party with, but as a child of addiction or around addiction, I know when people were too much.

Speaker 2 Yeah, Swartzen was one of those ones that I always had in my prayers, to be honest with him. I just wanted him to be okay.

Speaker 2 First of all, ever since I've been in comedy, he's always been the nicest, coolest guy to me.

Speaker 2 I mean, he's, he, you know, you'd be at the improv and he'd sneak up behind you and go, hey, you want to fuck? You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 He's like one of those guys, and you go, yeah, you want to fuck now? You know what I mean? And you wouldn't.

Speaker 2 We would simulate it, you know what I mean, in front of everybody. He's just one of those, he's exactly Mike type of guy.
He's super fun. Super fun.
He used to have this.

Speaker 2 Do you know every year he had this birthday party at a roller skating ring?

Speaker 2 Right?

Speaker 2 And it was the greatest party in human history because this is, he would wear, you know, leotard and pink wings.

Speaker 2 Schwartzen always committed to things. I mean, he still always commits.
And then one night, you know what happened and why he canceled it, right?

Speaker 2 So he would have this gigantic birthday party and, you know, he would charge five bucks, whatever, you know, and

Speaker 2 he would put this five bucks, all the money in this like tin kind of can or thing. And at three in the morning, he was walking to his car

Speaker 2 and some

Speaker 2 man

Speaker 2 put out a shotgun stuck it to his face and took the money

Speaker 2 i did it wasn't a shotgun i had a i had i had a handgun i had a handgun but

Speaker 2 very funny yeah no yeah i i heard i heard a variation of that i made i made some of it because yeah you made some of it up i was filling out the

Speaker 2 i i make things up out of it but it was still good i lie a lot yeah yeah yeah what do you lie about the most

Speaker 2 everything Everything. Really? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I think my whole life is a lie.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 I think you found a very happy medium. I think that I...
Medium? Yeah. Median.
Median?

Speaker 2 Median means medium, right? Well, here's what I do. I embellish some stories.
So let's say, suppose, like, I'm walking down the street and a homeless man bumps me. Hey, well, hedge up, yeah.

Speaker 2 Hedge up, man.

Speaker 2 That story will then turn into

Speaker 2 he pulled his penis out, pissed on my leg, right? I try to run, he tripped me, and then he shit on my leg or whatever.

Speaker 2 It's always

Speaker 2 something exacerbating. Do you do that? Of course.
That's what comedians, because in our minds, sometimes, but then it's like

Speaker 2 it's a life based on lies. No, I'll do that if I'm telling a story on stage.
That's what I'm referring to. But if it's like...
No, I say that like in front of like a friend of mine.

Speaker 2 No, that doesn't make sense to me. That's insane.
I do it all the time. No,

Speaker 2 if that was a story, like most of my bits have come from a place where they become hyperbolized or grown into these bigger bits, where like this happened, and then look at that.

Speaker 2 But you don't like when you're on a podcast, on a podcast, you don't embellish stories. No, yeah, but for the most part, they're really true.
Like, maybe I'll sensationalism.

Speaker 2 Yeah, they're based on truth.

Speaker 2 Yeah, but yours is, that's more than sensationalism. To be like, I bumped into a homeless guy versus he pulled out his dick, he pissed on me.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 He opened his butthole up and pulled out a little, like, an American flag. Yeah, I need help.
No, you don't need help. Yeah, I do, I do.

Speaker 2 I can't, no, because that's not a way that I want to, I don't want to be that guy. It's okay to make those bits on stage.

Speaker 2 To embellish bits for the sake of comedy. That's this, dude.
This is a comedy show. It's fun.
Yeah, sometimes I'm at like a Zoom AA meeting. Oh, that you should.
No, but no, because listen.

Speaker 2 And I'll be like, people are sharing deep shit.

Speaker 2 And I'm like, I have nothing to say. Right.
Right. So then they'll go, my turn.
I go, hi, I'm Bobby. And it's like, oh, my God.
Life is so hard.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 And then, um, yeah, so then my uncle used to like beat me and stuff. You just make up stuff like that? Yeah, because the guy before me just fucking his whole family died.
So, what?

Speaker 2 Why can't you just be like, hey, that sucks about the family thing?

Speaker 2 I'm in good shape. Yeah, because I saw that at an A meeting once where it was so funny.

Speaker 2 It was so funny.

Speaker 2 I laughed out loud. Yeah.
So it was one of those A meetings. I shouldn't have, ah, fuck it.
Where everyone shares. Yeah.
Right. And you have to share.

Speaker 2 And so one guy was like, literally was like, um, so my cancer came back

Speaker 2 and my doctor is giving me, you know, six weeks

Speaker 2 or whatever, right?

Speaker 2 And then literally the next thing was, hey, I'm Tom.

Speaker 2 I sold the script.

Speaker 2 I sold it, guys. Did you clap? That's a good thing.
Yeah, and no, and it was just the justice guard. Yeah.
You know, because if I was the guy, I was just like, oh, I'm sorry, Matt.

Speaker 2 You know what I mean? Yeah, but that's great. Yeah, but I, and that, and this is me and the me.

Speaker 2 Did you talk to him afterwards? No. You could have got a line in that.
No, I should have said. Yeah, but

Speaker 2 what do you say to a guy who has cancer? I don't know what to say. Well, I think that's the point of that guy saying I sold a script.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 You be the guy. You tell me that you had cancer, and I'm a guy in the meeting, and I'm next.
Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hi, I'm Brady, alcoholic. Hey, Brady.

Speaker 2 So,

Speaker 2 guys, you know,

Speaker 2 my cancer, I went to the doctor, my cancer's back, and, um,

Speaker 2 and, um, you know, that I'm a single father of six children, and I don't know what I'm gonna do about, um,

Speaker 2 my kids, and um, I think I'm gonna die. That's my share.
Thank you. Damn.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 2 Uh, my wife and I just got the pressure cooker we ordered yesterday, and I got to tell you, it cooks good meals.

Speaker 2 Now, you should.

Speaker 2 There's nothing you can do besides it. You have to move forward.
You have to move forward.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 can I share something with you here? Let's do this. There's a...

Speaker 2 I want to. Andreas, we haven't used in a long time, and you know, he's a little upset about it.

Speaker 2 He wants us to call him Andreas

Speaker 2 because he, I guess, I think he misses us a little bit. You know?

Speaker 2 So we have to call Andreas because he wants to do a little video for us. Let me do it on FaceTime here.

Speaker 2 Okay, so today. Today.
Today. Today's Bob Marley's death day.
He died today on this very day. And because of that,

Speaker 2 Andreas is a massive,

Speaker 2 our fancy bee, Andreas, our house resident fancy bee, is a massive Bob Marley fan. And he wants to do a tribute.

Speaker 2 He wants to sing a song? He wants to do a Bob Marley tribute. Oh, I like three little birds.
Can he sing that?

Speaker 2 I can ask you. Hi, sweetheart.

Speaker 2 Como estas ustedas.

Speaker 2 Como estas. Como estas ustedas.

Speaker 2 Good. I can't hear him on my head.
I don't know why he's not in the headphones. Hold on one second, sweetheart.
Okay. Hey, now we hear you.
Okay. Good.
You hear him now, right?

Speaker 2 Bob, in your headphones? Yeah, I can hear him now. So, so it's Bob Marley's birthday.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, it's Bob Marley's death day.

Speaker 2 Right. You love Bob Marley.
Why?

Speaker 9 I love Bob Marley, yeah.

Speaker 9 Well, he's just an an inspiration for all of us, you know?

Speaker 9 For all of us, we are all down. We just play some music and smoke some weed and we feel all better.

Speaker 2 Wow. I didn't know you were such a big weed smoker.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Really? Are you high right now?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 9 I needed

Speaker 9 a couple, you know, poofs to do this.

Speaker 2 A poof? A couple of poofs? Yeah, that's how they say it in Spain. They say poofs? Yeah.
You know, I need to hit a couple of poofs. Can I have a poof of that?

Speaker 2 You imagine if a bunch of guys were smoking weed. Can I have a poof poof of that? Oh, I would light them on fire.
Somebody said that.

Speaker 2 Excuse me. No, bro.
You say poof, bro? Could I have a poof of that, please? No, fuck you, bro. Come on, man.
I need a poof. So listen, you like smoking weed and listen to Bob.

Speaker 2 What are you going to do as a tribute for Bob Marley's death day? He died this very day.

Speaker 9 I thought, you know, to sing a little bit of a song for him and for all of you. Like, probably my first and last performance ever.

Speaker 2 No,

Speaker 2 no, you're going to have many more. So

Speaker 2 Bobby likes the song Three Little Birds.

Speaker 2 Can you bring that up and sing Three Little Birds?

Speaker 9 What about I Shot the Sheriff?

Speaker 2 No, no, no, no. I want you to sing a song that you didn't prepare.

Speaker 2 He prepared I Shot the Sheriff. Yeah, you prepared I Shot the Sheriff like last night in the show.

Speaker 2 Can we hear a little bit of I Shot the Sheriff for fun right now? Yeah,

Speaker 2 let's hear a little bit, right?

Speaker 9 Okay, is that ready? Oh, yeah,

Speaker 9 I shot the sheriff,

Speaker 9 but I didn't shoot no deputy.

Speaker 2 Oh no,

Speaker 9 I shot the sheriff,

Speaker 9 but I didn't shoot no deputy.

Speaker 9 All around

Speaker 2 my hometown,

Speaker 9 they're trying to track me down.

Speaker 9 They say to want me bring guilty

Speaker 9 for the killing of my deputy.

Speaker 2 Very good. Get right to the course again.

Speaker 9 For the life of my deputy.

Speaker 2 Very good.

Speaker 9 But I say, bam, bam, bam, bam, dam, da da da da da da da da damn.

Speaker 2 Oh

Speaker 2 shit, that's real. That's fucking dope.
That's dope.

Speaker 9 If I'm guilty, I will pay.

Speaker 2 Andres,

Speaker 2 Rudy's clapping for you. All right.
Three little birds. Hey, I'm a little bit of a bird.
Three little birds. You bring up three little birds on your computer?

Speaker 9 I don't know with that one

Speaker 2 he trying to what he doesn't know that one is that's the best that's the best part song that he's ever written okay

Speaker 2 you know my you know my favorite song is which one

Speaker 2 no woman no cry no

Speaker 2 no which one redemption song yeah that's a good song i wish we could play some of it right now i know you know he died from bob marley died from um Foot Cancer, aka the government. Right.

Speaker 2 The fucking government killed him. I know they did.
Why do do they say foot kill? Like they said melanoma, skin cancer of the fat. Simon Chow killed Bruce Lee.
Simon Cowell, the American Idol guy? No.

Speaker 2 Simon Chow, the old Chinese.

Speaker 2 He killed Bruce Lee. And his son.
Brandon, that's a fact. Brandon got shot from a blank bullet, but it was a real bullet.
Simon Chow. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Simon Cowell did all that stuff. Not Simon Cowell, the British guy from American Idol? Not the X Factor guy, no.
He was like, Bruce Lee, you're not that good.

Speaker 2 No, no, no. No.
It was Simon Chow, the old Chinese producer. It was a guy.
He entered the dragon, all that shit. Why didn't he like Bruce? There was something.
I don't know. What are you in the ocean?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 9 It looks like Echo Park has a helicopter going by. Wow.

Speaker 2 Okay, go. Three little birds.
Let's hear three little birds.

Speaker 9 Okay, can you guys give me a hand and tell me a little bit what the melody is like?

Speaker 2 This is the best.

Speaker 2 You're a huge Bob Marley fan.

Speaker 2 Come on, dude. You're a huge Bob Marley fan.
Let's hear it.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 9 Don't worry about a thing.

Speaker 9 Cause every little thing is going to be alright.

Speaker 2 Perfect.

Speaker 9 Singing. Don't worry about a thing.

Speaker 2 It's not.

Speaker 9 Cause every little thing is going to be alright.

Speaker 2 It's not. This is good.
It's not. It's not even.
This is it. It's not even close.
Keep going, Andreas. You're right here.
Keep going, man.

Speaker 9 Rise up in the morning.

Speaker 9 He doesn't know Bob Marley. Smile with a rising sun.

Speaker 2 Yep. No.

Speaker 9 Three little birds creeps by my doorstep.

Speaker 2 Singing sweet songs. Okay.

Speaker 2 Okay, can I teach you the best way to learn this? To learn this song? The melody is like the ABC's. So it's.

Speaker 2 So try that.

Speaker 2 Try that.

Speaker 9 Don't worry about a thing.

Speaker 9 Cause every little thing is going gonna be alright.

Speaker 2 Up higher. Singing.

Speaker 2 Come on, come on. That's right.
Let him go. Let him go.

Speaker 2 Get on.

Speaker 9 Okay.

Speaker 9 Singing. Don't worry about a thing.

Speaker 9 Cause every little thing's gonna be alright.

Speaker 2 Yeah, up higher, higher, higher. All right.
That's it.

Speaker 9 Cause everything is gonna be alright.

Speaker 2 Perfect. Okay.

Speaker 2 Very good. You're a huge fan.
I can't. I told you.
Massive pothead, massive Bob Marley fan.

Speaker 9 Yeah, guys.

Speaker 2 This is the kind of guy. What's all over your shirt? Is that shipping instructions? Get you back to where you're from?

Speaker 2 What the fuck is that? No. You know what it looks like? Stigmata.
You know how, like,

Speaker 2 right?

Speaker 2 Through the skin. You know, even like when somebody's possessed, right? They write a message through the skin.
That's what it looks like.

Speaker 2 Help me. That looks like

Speaker 2 a bunch of. You know, it looked like the movie Memento, where he writes all these tattoos.
Yeah. It's all those tattoos.
What does that shirt really say? We can't read anything.

Speaker 9 Something about love and color and life.

Speaker 2 Meanwhile, if that was on his walls in his bedroom, you'd have to call the cops

Speaker 2 or something.

Speaker 2 It's definitely a manifesto. Who makes that shirt? Is that a fancy shirt and we just don't know?

Speaker 9 Yeah,

Speaker 9 it's a brand called Desi Wall from Spain.

Speaker 2 Desi Wall.

Speaker 9 Alegand European style.

Speaker 2 Yeah. All right.
You know what?

Speaker 2 Do you know who that is? Desse Wall? No. I've never heard of this designer before in my life.
Yeah, because we're real Americans.

Speaker 2 Yeah, we're real Americans how much would that shirt cost are you are you just trying to fucking front on us is that an expensive shirt uh no just like normal retail maybe a little pricier than

Speaker 9 your average like Zara but it's not

Speaker 2 not like a huge you know like how much like like 40 50 60 70 80 50 50 60 bucks 50 60 bucks

Speaker 2 are we paying him do we pay him money

Speaker 2 okay i don't think we should okay good not anymore not anymore not if you're wasting very good job very good job yeah say Say happy, happy Bob Marley death day.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry he passed away on this very day, long time ago.

Speaker 9 I'm very sad, too.

Speaker 2 Well, yeah, when you texted me, you said I'm a big Bob fan and I would like to sing a song. Good job, Andro.

Speaker 2 It's Andreas.

Speaker 2 Thank you, Bobby. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Hey,

Speaker 2 why don't you say what you were going to say to Bobby? You told me

Speaker 2 you wanted to say something to him. Why don't you say? Why don't you say something? Well, I...

Speaker 9 Right, like last time we talked, you guys told me that I should practice a little bit my crowd work.

Speaker 9 And I wrote down here my sticky note: like, be as mean as you possibly can, alienate the audience, and be really rude. So I thought of like, you know,

Speaker 9 I've been practicing on that. So

Speaker 9 let me try it. Give me 30 seconds.

Speaker 2 He wants to do stand-up. You know, he wants to,

Speaker 2 he asked me, he texted me. He said, he'll be better than George.
I'll tell you that. He said, can I open for you on the road? He wants to open for a road.

Speaker 9 What up, motherfuckers?

Speaker 2 Welcome.

Speaker 9 I hope you guys didn't have anything better to do than to come to the shitty ass club.

Speaker 9 Like we said in my country, the roaches like the poo-poo.

Speaker 9 Oh, I hope you guys get diarrhea from the chicken winds.

Speaker 2 But let's meet.

Speaker 9 Let's meet some of our audience members tonight.

Speaker 9 Yeah, let's start with the lucky charms-looking motherfucker in the corner.

Speaker 2 Hey you!

Speaker 2 Very good.

Speaker 9 Like, loves a head.

Speaker 9 Where do you live for money? On hovers or hooters?

Speaker 9 If there is a pot at the end of your rainbow, it sure is filled with dandies and a welfare check.

Speaker 9 No, no, but sorry, sorry.

Speaker 9 I'm a huge fan.

Speaker 9 You're one of my comedic heroes. Thank you for being here.
Carrot Top.

Speaker 2 That's good.

Speaker 9 It looked like you stopped going to the gym and went to the groomers instead.

Speaker 2 But,

Speaker 9 well, you look good. You look good with a little more weight.

Speaker 9 Is it true that gingers have no talent?

Speaker 2 He did the mic slam.

Speaker 9 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go to the Chinese guy in the back.

Speaker 9 Can I call you Ming?

Speaker 2 Oh, wow.

Speaker 9 I've never seen an Asian with a mullet before.

Speaker 9 That looks like, you know, that has to look like it's all business in the front and stretch up in the back.

Speaker 2 Oh, shit. Wow.

Speaker 9 Welcome like Bill Ray Sagan in the house. He's coming up to sing his hits on Hecky Breaky Egg Roll.

Speaker 9 But no, no, sir.

Speaker 9 You look like a NASCAR driver that will get into a lot of accidents.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 9 That's all I got for you.

Speaker 2 That was my advice. I'm trying.

Speaker 2 It's so much better. That's funny.
That's

Speaker 2 so funny, dude. That's his voice.
By the way, you did a great job. Those jokes that you roasted us for were really good.
I think some of the top ones where they say that gingers don't have talent.

Speaker 2 So good. So good.
Good twist on souls. Yeah.
And the best one for this, the best one for this fucking NASCAR. The NASCAR that gets in a lot of access.
Very good.

Speaker 2 Very funny, man. Because you did the whole stereotype that we can't drive as well in there.
Yeah. It's real nice.

Speaker 2 No, I think actually it also applies literally to you because you are a dog shit driver so right the like a pre-us that is clash yeah see look at that he's paying attention still doing it huh yeah andreas honestly that can you do that every week

Speaker 2 probably not but i'll try next week well but have some for rudy next week okay bud okay so good sounds good andreas

Speaker 2 to roz rudy though she's too nice yeah she is too nice but she's talked some shit about you she has yeah tell him what you say about him tell him what you say tell him tell them what you call him.

Speaker 2 Kind.

Speaker 2 Yeah, eat your face, dude. You're looking for fucking.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
All right. All right, Andreas.
We love you. We'll see you later, bud.
Love you, Dad. Thank you.

Speaker 2 So good.

Speaker 2 It's an improvement. Honestly? Yeah.
Because the other shit now, you know, stand-up, it's about finding your voice. He found it.
Yeah, before it was like he didn't, that political shit he was doing.

Speaker 2 It was so funny. But that was so funny.
This was very good. The political stuff was really funny, too.

Speaker 2 I think he's a very funny dude. I think that I can't wait for him to open for us when we're on the road.
But isn't she going to go out, too?

Speaker 2 Would you do stand-up in front of thousands of people, Rudy?

Speaker 2 I don't know. Yeah, but what I want her to do is sell the merch.
Merch, yeah. We need merch.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you think this is weird? I just literally yesterday released,

Speaker 2 well, last week, released tickets for a date in October. Don't you think October's fine? Yeah.
I'm doing the Wilbur in Boston for the first time. If any of our fans are in Boston, come see me.

Speaker 2 I played there once. Did you love it? It was during a hurricane.
So in that big theater, I had, not lying, this is not an exaggeration, nine people.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Why didn't you just not do the show? I did it.
Why would you just do it? Why would you just say we have to cancel? I would give back their money. Nine people.

Speaker 2 Did you get you didn't get paid? No. Holy shit.
She was terrible. And that's why I've never played it.

Speaker 2 I think they think I can't draw or something. Of course you could.
I know I could kill it there, but they, yeah, that's what happened. Wow.
So you're going to play the Wilbur? That's great.

Speaker 2 Oh, you should save that date for us. The Wilbur? Yeah.
This was booked forever ago, and then I had to reschedule it. All right.

Speaker 2 Do you, you and me?

Speaker 2 We would have triple sell it out. Yeah, but we're going to do other venue.
We're going to do a bunch of other venues.

Speaker 2 By the way, the thing about the Wilbur that's going to be incredible for me is I taped my half hour for Comedy Central across the street at the Royal Theater.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 same time that I was there across the street was Fortune Feemster playing the Wilbur. Wow.
And I was like, damn, dude, she's fucking killing it. She's killing it.
She was killing it.

Speaker 2 That's when I did my half hour. That was, I think it was, I'm almost positive she was there.
She was coming at least. But, dude, I just,

Speaker 2 it was, that was. Thank you for being.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 2 Yeah. No.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Thank you. We don't want to hear fucking your Wilbur Comedy Central story, okay?

Speaker 2 Who gives a shit? Oh, I shot my special there. And then, you know what? Fortune Future was across the street.
It was great. She's wonderful.
She's doing great.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend. That's what happens when you end it.

Speaker 2 It's like...

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. I was playing Philadelphia once.
I have a story too. I was playing Philadelphia once.
And then like, Chappelle was across the street. It was great.

Speaker 2 Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 You know, it's like, what the fuck?

Speaker 2 Oh, oh, yeah, you gotta tell us that story?

Speaker 2 Let's write a script on it. That's how exciting it is.
It's a new movie. You show up, you know, in Boston, right?

Speaker 2 All the cameras are set up, and all of a sudden you're doing the show, and then fucking Fortune's across the street. And then that's the climax of the movie.
It's going to be great.

Speaker 2 We could fucking get all kinds of Tom Hardy will be in it.

Speaker 2 You know, it's like, why don't you learn how to play? Tell a story, friend,

Speaker 2 huh?

Speaker 2 There's gotta be a point,

Speaker 2 yeah.

Speaker 2 So, anyway, when you did that, when you fucking did that, in my head, I was like, emergency, emergency, fucking, you know what I mean? Emergency shoot,

Speaker 2 right? Thank you for being a friend, friend, bad friend, let's get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 2 You know, it's ridiculous. And I know you had a lapse, a lapse in thought and judgment.
And you thought,

Speaker 2 there's dead air here. I'm going to throw out this fucking story that I think is a story, but it isn't.
So I, you know, you're allowed to make mistakes, but that was a dumb story.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 you're going to get angry. You're going to do what you'd usually do, right? And snap.
And just throw something or scream.

Speaker 2 But let's just let it go. And let's just end the fucking podcast.
Thank you for being a bad friend. I think we should.
Because if that's what your fucking instinct is right now, fuck face.

Speaker 2 All right, we're trying to make this podcast a number one friend. All right, so just, you know, we might even have to cut that whole portion out.
What do you think, pal?

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 You're getting rageful and angry. You don't know what to do?

Speaker 2 Go within yourself, dude.

Speaker 2 A life not self-examined is a life not worth living. All right, so just examine yourself.
You fucked up, and let's end the podcast right now, okay?

Speaker 2 The Mother Day song was strong.

Speaker 2 Mother Day song, very good.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 What you gonna do?

Speaker 2 Let's move on, dude. Look in the camera.

Speaker 2 Look in the camera. Thank you for being.
If you don't do this, we're gonna have a very big problem.

Speaker 2 what go ahead

Speaker 2 You thought that was a good story

Speaker 2 If I had that fucking BB gun right now, I would shoot you in the fucking eye friend

Speaker 2 All right, so let's what get it off your chest

Speaker 2 That's what I thought.

Speaker 2 We good?

Speaker 2 Let's just end it.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Is that what you want to hear? I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that.
More.

Speaker 2 Yeah. All right.
So.

Speaker 2 I want to say that, number one, you're a good stand-up. You're a very good storyteller.

Speaker 2 And that

Speaker 2 I would also have to say that I think you drive this podcast.

Speaker 2 I think you prepare. You have bits that we do on the show.
I come here not prepared. I have no idea what the fuck I'm going to say.

Speaker 2 And I should put a lot more energy into doing this

Speaker 2 podcast. And I want to say that you're the foundation of this thing.
And the reason why it's a success is because of you. And I want to thank you.

Speaker 2 But that story was the worst story I've ever heard, that Comedy Central thing. And it was so fucking dumb.

Speaker 2 But other than that, you're the greatest.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry. Thank you for being a bad friend.

Speaker 2 Can I say this? Point is that

Speaker 2 I'm cute as fuck. But my point is, is that...
Yeah, but my point is is that. But my point is, is that.
But my point is, is this. But my point is, is this.
But my point, though, is that.

Speaker 2 My point is that. I don't even know.
That's the thing. The thing is, is that.
The thing is, is that

Speaker 2 the the thing is is that the thing is is that the thing is is that yep the thing is is that the truth is is that what enraged me is is that but what was weird is is that not only that is is that here's the thing is is that but i my honest opinion is is that and especially this is is that what i like about it is is that

Speaker 2 the honest truth is is that um but the problem is is that but what they don't get is is that so what i'm saying is is that is this that this is that is is that is this that is that is this that is this that is this that is that is this that is is that is this that is this that is this that I don't know what it is.

Speaker 2 Is this that? Well, what it is, is this, is that, um, the deal is, is this

Speaker 2 that